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This was a pretty catty week . My wonderful vet , Lisa Lemke of Green Oak Vet Clinic , made an offer I couldn 't resist : if I would take a wonderful big siamese cat named Boots to my farm , she would spay whatever cats I chose . I wanted to take my basic family of cats , but was only able to get Fluffy ( Chickboy 's mother ) into a carrier , so I set the live trap near Raccoon ( Fluffy 's sister ) and hoped she would walk in when I wasn 't looking . Unfortunately , Raccoon didn 't fall for the trap , but two other young cats did . One of the trapped was an unnamed mother , probably a yearling , and the other was probably her kitten . The mother was old enough to spay , so she went with Fluffy . Doc did a wonderful new form of spaying that meant she entered from the side instead of the belly of the cat . The opening was smaller and closes up easier because the entry is through three layers of muscle that automatically want to close up . The black mother earned a name , if I can identify her amongst all of the other black cats , she will be called Shadow . Both Shadow and Fluffy recovered quickly after they returned to the farm . The little kitten that made the trip to the vet 's with Shadow was gone the minute I opened the trap . Sadly , Boots the Siamese also disappeared as soon as my back was turned . I was hoping to introduce him gently to the farm , but when he didn 't jump right out of the carrier , I made the mistake of turning my back and poof ! he was gone . I looked for him on and off until about midnight last night but didn 't see him . Both of the young male tiger cats were waiting at the gate tonight , so I guess they are feeling fine . Chick Boy walked with me to the feeding station , but Tiger Boy was gone a moment after I opened the gate . I put a lot of food down hoping there would be enough left after the large group was finished so the scared cats could slip in later and still find something to eat . There 's one young black cat whose hip bones are sticking out . He waits with the group at the gate , but won 't go near the feeding station . I 've tried to put food in different places , but someone else always seems to find it . I think I 'm going to have to set another feeding station . I have some fittings for building some out - buildings . I 've been planning to build a chicken house , but I won an eBay auction with fittings for three buildings . I may build a double size chicken house and then use the third kit to build a cat shelter - it might be fun to have a building to protect them in the winter and fill it with climbing things and little cat caves , etc . I 'm thinking I could paint the buildings with plans for hooked rugs . I was in the back hay field tonight , stacking hay bales on a trailer . The hay field is the prettiest place on the farm - surrounded by trees and high enough to look down on everything visible in all directions . Jim , from across the street , was driving the tractor and baling the hay ; Becky , his wife , was driving the truck that was pulling the old car hauling trailer ; and I was stacking hay bales on the trailer - we worked back there until the baler broke just before it was getting dark . Except for equipment break downs , that 's a nice , relaxing way to work - even though it 's exhausting . It 's sort - of a very physical form of meditation , hard enough that your mind focuses on the labor and not on any distracting thoughts . Maybe this would be a better world if everyone baled hay . Technically , the cats at my farm are feral cats . They aren 't exactly barn cats because most of them don 't live in a barn - some of them may live in the hay loft , especially when they want to hide their kittens , but mostly they live elsewhere . Some live under my front porch , some live under my swimming pool room , and both of those groups can access the crawl space under one wing of my house - which is good in the winter time because there 's a heat duct in the crawl space . Recently , I 've realized that some of them are living rough out in the bushes and brush piles , as though the colony has split into lots of separate little family groups . Two of my favorite kittens are now half - grown males . It 's the time in their life when they might be driven away by the dominant male - and the dominant male has suddenly become a big black tyrant - a tough male with facial scars who appeared out of nowhere . Last year , the tomcat was a very sweet orange tiger , one who almost let me pet him and spent most of his time watching the farmyard from the roof of the boarder 's lounge building . He seems to have disappeared and been replaced . I want the little half - grown males to stick - around , so I captured them last night in a live trap and took them to the vet this morning . Their surgery was uneventful and all is well , I left them sleeping off their drugs in the open cat carrier , in a shady spot near the feeding station . I hope their testosterone will disappear asap so the black tom doesn 't hurt them - or , at least , doesn 't hurt them anymore . One of them , Tiger Boy , has already been pretty well beaten up . He had been gone for a couple days and then was hiding at the end of the driveway when I decided it was time for the trip to the vet . I have my fingers crossed for both of them , especially Chick Boy who is the little gray tiger in photographs earlier in this blog who grew up with the chickens . He greets me at the driveway gate every time I arrive at the farm - which is where I 'm going to go now ( Gotta spend some time with Gibby ! ) I 've been thinking about the story of " Old Drum " recently . I saw the movie a long time ago and thought I remembered something about a faithful dog - I found the movie and watched it , using an instant download through my Wii from Netflix . The story in the movie reaches its climax with a speech by a famous attorney . Turns out the story is basically true - except the dog that is shot in the movie survives . The reason I 've been thinking about the faithfulness of dogs is my dog George 's behavior since my mother passed away . George was very close to my mother , and vice versa . My mother saved his life a couple times when she knew he was not well and I hadn 't noticed anything was wrong . The first time , I hesitated because I hadn 't noticed he was sick , and barely got him to the vet in time . The second time , I loaded him in the car the minute my mother said something was wrong - I think they were able to read each other 's minds . Anyway , Ol ' George has always spent his sleeping time on the cold wooden floor of the downstairs bathroom or on the cold wooden floor of the kitchen where anyone using the back door had to step over him . Since my mother died , he 's been sleeping on the carpeted floor next to her couch . After she turned 95 she spent most of her not - in - bed time resting or sleeping on that couch . That 's where George is right now , stretched out on the floor , leaning his back against the couch . Here is part of the speech , spoken in the real Old Drum trial in the Supreme Court of Missouri . It 's the only part of the speech that was saved . George Graham Vest speaking : " Gentlemen of the jury , the best friend a man has in this world may turn against him and become his enemy . His son or daughter whom he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful . Those who are nearest and dearest to us - - those whom we trust with our happiness and good name - - may become traitors in their faith . The money that a man has he may lose . It flies away from him , perhaps when he needs it most . A man 's reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ilPosted by The videos on this page are just a few seconds each . I wanted to show Gibby living inside his four bedroom dog house - using my cellphone camera that I thought was set for still photos . Anyway , Gibby is a happy dog - although he runs for the library , the room that leads to his doggy door , the minute I pick up my BB gun . I 've been shooting at rats . Rats in Gibby 's house . I 've tried live traps and sticky traps , now the BB gun . Truth is , I 'm sure the only solution is to set out poison and I can 't do that without endangering cats and dogs . Posted by I attended a very sad funeral today . It was particularly sad because most of my departed friend 's friends thought he was already gone . He was my dearly beloved veterinarian , Buck Lindquist . Buck was a truly amazing animal man - I think he spoke the language of every animal he ever met . He was also the most intelligent man I ever knew . He was a sort of combination Dr . Doolittle and Albert Einstein . The sad end to his life lasted for ten years . He fell down a long flight of stairs onto a cement floor and had a closed head injury . He was just starting to get over it , and came to help me with a dying horse . He overstressed himself walking out to my pasture , laying on top of the horse to hold her down , and then hiking back to my farmyard . He drove home and had a stroke . He was in a nursing home for the last ten years . Ten years of an extremely bright mind closed up by brain damage and drugs . One time , Buck saved my favorite horse . He walked into our riding arena , heard a sound no one else heard , ran to the far end of the arena , and found my Morgan stallion , Tara , choking on an apple that was lodged halfway down his throat . Buck massaged his throat and moved that apple up and out ! It popped out like a ping - pong ball . Buck was like that , he could just look at a horse and make a completely accurate diagnosis . He treated 45 horses at my farm for about 25 years and I never knew him to be wrong - even when vets at Michigan State gave second opinions , they used all their high tech stuff and just confirmed Buck 's seat - of - the - pants diagnosis . Horses weren 't afraid of Buck . Other vets might walk into a barn and every horse would suddenly be on the alert , but not with Buck . Horses , even breeding stallions , were so relaxed around him that he could give them shots or stitch up wounds and they wouldn 't even wiggle . I helped him do a surgery one time . He had fingers the size of sausages , yet he removed the tiniest little bone chip from the hock of an Appaloosa race horse . He stitched up that surgical site so years later there was no sPosted by Gibby is staying home . I haven 't heard from Kate and now it doesn 't matter . If she doesn 't care enough to call me , she obviously doesn 't have what it takes to care enough for my Gibby . I think I 'll give Gibby a new assignment . I have to get some exercise . His new assignment is to make me take him for walks . We 'll start out with walks in the pasture , then gradually get back to the woods . I 'd like to be back there during the spring wildflower season . I haven 't seen the trout lillies or trillium for years - my woods used to be carpeted with them . I 'd like to see how cutting trees out of the woods changed the spring flowers - I hope not much . We won 't start our new plan today , it 's pouring rain outside and the lower pasture will be underwater . Today is Saturday and no call from Gibby 's possible new family . Kate thought they might come out Friday , but she didn 't call . She said she 'd like to get Gibby early in the weekend so he could be with them for a full couple days before they would have to leave him alone to go to work - but , that hasn 't happened . I 'm beginning to think the whole idea was a mistake - the right people would have called to let me know what was going on . I stopped at the vet clinic to see if they had heard anything from Kate , so Shelly called to see if they were still interested in Gibby . That should have triggered a call to me , but it didn 't , so . . . I 'm thinking it was a mistake . I am really fond of Gibby and giving him away was going to be hard , maybe I 'm not going to do it . He is one hundred pounds of loving dog ( having gained 30 + pounds since he came to the farm - one - third of his weight ! ) I was looking forward to moving some cats into the farmhouse , maybe I 'll have to figure out a way to still do that with Gibby in the house . He didn 't chase the cats when Kate came to see him and he didn 't chase the cats at the vet clinic . . . I 'm trading a sock knitting machine ( CSM ) for some cat spaying and I need to have them in the house during the recovering time . I guess I 'll go buy a baby gate so I can put the cats in the kitchen . Gibby has been a wonderful guard dog - his deep bellow of a bark is quite enough to warn the bad guys that he is there and on duty . He has done his job for almost two years now , so it 's time for him to have an end to this lonely duty - and that may happen this weekend . Two days ago he met Kate . Met her and liked her . She took him for a walk out in the pasture and they both came back happy . This weekend , he will meet the other member of Kate 's family - if they hit it off , away he 'll go - to a real family where he can be a real member of the family . Last night , I told Gibby he could go live with Kate , and I think he understood . He 's never been so obnoxious before about wanting to be petted and held - I was trying to work on a rug and he kept bumping my arm with his big head . If I sat back in the chair , I suddenly had the upper half of a hundred pound dog in my lap . If I didn 't pay attention , he showered my face with kisses - something he 's never done before . He couldn 't have been more lovable . Sad time at the farm . I 've been working on the farmhouse , doing some paint - up , clean - up . When the new furnace was installed last year , all of the dust and dirt in the system blew out into the house , and now I have time to do something about it . The dust in some places is inches deep and permeated into fabrics . I 've done some painting in the kitchen that I 've thought about for years - I painted everything white . It 's a small room that always seemed smaller because the maple colored cabinets seemed to hog all the room - the room seems twice as big now . I got rid of the refrigerator , mostly because I just didn 't want to clean it . The seal was broken on the freezer and lots of mice droppings were on it . Now I 'm looking for a new refrigerator small enough to come through my 28 " doors . While I was working the other night , the dogs all started barking . It wasn 't their arguing with each other bark , it sounded like they wanted me to see to something . I looked out the window , didn 't see anyone in the driveway , finally went outside and looked around but didn 't see or hear anything , and then the dogs stopped barking . It was really cold and windy , icey rain and snow blowing almost straight across the ground , so all four of the dogs came inside and found warm places to lay down . What I didn 't know was that one of my horses , Tam Burn , had somehow crashed into two fences and died . I hope the fact that the dogs stopped their barking so soon means that she died quickly and didn 't suffer . Tammy was 25 years old , by Big Burn TB out of Chi Chi Deck , AQHA , a beautiful buckskin who took over leadership of the herd when her mother died . Tonight , when I was spreading hay in the indoor arena , Manly , Tammy 's close friend , couldn 't eat . He 'd take a bite and then turn and watch the back door , walk a few steps , and stand at alert watching . He doesn 't understand she 's gone . That makes me think she did die quickly because he didn 't hear her calling . I will never know why she was so far away from the herd . Manly broke my heart , I had to leave . TryiPosted by I 've been spending a good chunk of each day working on Gibby 's house - that is , my house at the farm . I 've painted the walls and cupboards in the kitchen white and removed the old vinyl floor tile . I 'm in the process of replacing the floor tiles with some that look like wood . My neighbor , the sheep / border collie man , is a carpenter , so I 'm going to have him help me with some of the work - like building a doorway and hanging a door where the former opening to the pantry was . I had 1800GotJunk ? remove the refrigerator and huge old microwave . from the kitchen I was shocked when they lifted the refrigerator and a skeleton rolled out . The wonderful little cat that disappeared when Gibby arrived must have hidden inside the bottom of the frig next to the motor and died there . I never thought to look there for him . I had the GotJunk people take two other refrigerators that had been left outdoors by my last renter - one of them was still full of old food . I am sooooo glad I had the GotJunk people deal with that mess . Gibby has been a little confused - kept outside longer than usual , and then brought inside while I work . He wants so much attention ! He 's getting close to understanding that I won 't pet him while I 'm working in the kitchen , but as soon as I sit in a chair in the dining room I 'm ready to give him my full attention . He throws himself down on the floor - so hard the floor shakes - and I get to rub his tummy . No matter how much time I have , I can never rub his tummy long enough . As soon as I quit , he jumps up and then throws himself down again . Blue and Patches will go into the house , but George won 't . I guess he remembers that I left him there when I went away the last time and he must not remember that its our real home . He lived there when he was a puppy , but he spent a lot more of his youth in my studio above the store than he ever did in the house . Patches is pretty silly when she comes into the house - she comes inside and then immediately goes out through the doggy door into the dog kennel , where she starts baPosted by My mother has been quite ill , so I 've been rushing back and forth to the hospital and not having much time for the dogs . One recent day , I decided it would be easier to have all of the dogs in one place , so I took George and " the girls " to spend the day with Gibby at the farm . I don 't know whether or not they rested all day , they were really anxious when I got to them in the evening . The " house dogs " were all out in the kennel and Gibby was in his usual place in the kitchen . I couldn 't tell if the dogs were stuck in the kennel or just didn 't want to return through the doggy door , but I had to call all three of them by putting my hands and voice through the doggy door . They acted like I 'd left them for days . Blue , especially , told me off by diving at me full speed several times . The next day , I had planned to repeat the same doggy day care plan , but I was too rushed in the morning to stop at the farm , so the dogs spent the day in the car . I got to walk and water them every couple hours , which was good for them and great for me - a little break from mother 's bedside was energizing . It was a really beautiful day , the autumn leaves were a bright yellow with intermittent flashes of red , the temperature was almost balmy , and we had a little wooded walking spot next to the nursing home where my mother has been transferred . I even gathered a few mushrooms to investigate for dyeing - they 're shaggy manes , which I used to love chopped and mixed with Italian dressing and served on crackers - haven 't had that treat for a long time . I think the dogs were much happier . I know they were a lot calmer . Today , I did the same thing , but they were only in the car for a few hours , then we went to the farm ( Mother 's guardian is requiring that I leave the nursing home by 2 : 00 in case my brother who hasn 't spoken to Mother in three years wants to visit ) . The dogs had quite an adventure at the farm . I had to do some small chores in the house while Gibby was on his cable in the yard and the girls were on their leashes ( George is the only onPosted by While an aide was caring for my mother , I went to the farm this afternoon to meet a dog trainer . He wants to train his dogs in a space where he can shoot out some kind of thing for the dog to retrieve and it turns out my newly brush - hogged hay field will work perfectly . The horses were in the front pasture , eating between the weeds in the paths we 've created with the brush hog . They 're all looking pretty fat and sassy , but they weren 't sassy - we drove two trucks through the pastures to the hay field and the horses paid no attention at all . Only Weaver even looked up . Weaver and Manly look like stuffed sausages almost ready to burst . I think Manly is right up at the top of my list of the most beautiful horses ever born . I 'm really sorry my loss of physical adeptness has kept me from ever enjoying riding him . His back looks so broad it would be like sitting on a big couch . After the dog training use of the hay field was arranged , I took my ( second ) new rowboat over to the public access point on Whitmore Lake . I bought this boat with the idea I could handle it better by myself than the first boat that required a trailer and is just too heavy for me . There were other people at the access point , taking pontoon boats out of the water . I waited while one beautiful boat was loaded on a trailer and hauled out of the lake , then backed my truck up to one side of the dock while another pontoon trailer was backed in on the other side . Somehow , while I was getting my truck in a good spot , the men with the second pontoon boat lost it . There was a pretty good wind and by the time I saw what was happening , their boat was heading toward the center of the lake . I got my boat out quick and let one of them take it out to catch the boat . The little boat moved pretty fast and the guy caught the pontoon boat right away , but that didn 't end the trouble . The wind was a little stronger than the rowboat and the pontoon boat was headed for shore , or at least for shallow water where the sand would have ruined the motor . The other fellow had to Posted by Once a year , my across the road neighbor , Jim , puts on a sheepdog trial . Border Collies come from all over to herd sheep around a course in a cow pasture . The dogs are amazing - they make those sheep 250 yards from the top of a hill down to the bottom , then back halfway up and through a gate , then back again and into a little pen . All of this while being directed with whistles and calls from their shepherd who has to stand at a post at the bottom of the hill . The dogs move at lightning speed , down low and close to the ground . I guess any sheep that sees a dog coming at them like that is going to want to get away . The dogs seem to really love this sport . Even when it 's not their turn they sit on the sidelines like avid fans and their eyes closely follow the action . Border Collies are very individualistic - they are all of a type , but their looks vary tremendously . As do the shepherds - there are men and women , young and less young , and all having fun . Watching them is a really nice way to spend part of a day . I wish I could have stayed there all week - end . Of course , after just a short visit , I was wishing for a trained Border Collie of my own . Hunting season is striking early at Pirate 's Place Farm . For the last twenty years , hunting season has meant Trespassing and Poaching season on my property . It 's not even official hunting season yet and a ten point buck has already been poached and my friend and his grandson have been unpleasantly confronted in my woods . I 've spent the afternoon on the phone trying to find the supervisor of the man who yelled at them . He claims to be a conservation officer but none of the supervisors will claim him because he doesn 't wear a uniform . His conversation with my friend proved he is the trespasser who has been causing me a lot of grief for the last couple months - leaving my road gate open , leaving barn doors open , leaving barn lights on - all of those things that leave a message that someone without permission has been there . The story is that Mr Gooding , whose property is next to mine , called this morning because there was a strange truck parked in his driveway early this morning . He apparently foolishly gave some men permission to take " nature walks " in his woods - and it turned out they are really poachers . Allegedly Jason Smith responded to the call and caught two men with a ten point buck , but one of the men escaped and ran across my property . So , just like the trespasser / poachers who always say they are only on my property because they wounded a deer and it ran onto my property , Jason Smith ran onto my property and confronted my friend and his grandson . No escaped poacher seemed to be anywhere around . What he did today was annoying , but add up what he 's been doing to me for weeks and I think it 's criminal . Someday with all of the crazies who illegally hunt in woods there is going to be a terrible accident . The area just isn 't big enough for a bunch of armed men to shoot at everything that moves and never hit each other , and , at the moment , I wouldn 't feel bad if the man who has been scaring me for weeks was an accidental target . |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Jack O ' Neill stepped through the ' gate to Earth to the familiar sounds of the iris closing and guns cocking . And the familiar sight of weapons being aimed at him . He held his hands up to show he was unarmed . He had stopped carrying weapons two weeks into his trips through the mirror . He had started his trips five months ago . Five months and still no place he can call home . Every reality he went to either already had a Jack , it 's was taken over by the Goa ' uld , or Jack didn 't feel welcome . Like the last , in that one Jack had killed himself after a wrong call and not believing in Daniel had gotten SG - 23 killed and SG - 1 injured . He had also been a General in that reality . " Jack . My name is Jack . I am here to help . " Jack wanted to wait to see if anyone recognized him before he gave name , rank , and serial number . It was better that way . He heard the doors open and Sam and Teal ' c walked into the room . Sam looked different but happy . Jack wondered if she had her Pete in this reality . Then it registered neither Sam nor Teal ' c showed a slight bit happiness at seeing him . He wondered if in this place if he had been part of the SGC , or if he had died on the first mission to Abydos . " He says his name is Jack and that he 's here to help . But with what I don 't know . He 's tried nothing , Col . Carter . " Jack 's eyebrows jumped at this . Sam being a Colonel was something new . In all the realities he had been to she was either a civilian or a Major . His thoughts went to Daniel . Was this a reality with a Daniel in the project ? " The General won 't be back for another two days . Check him out and put him in a cell . We will let the General talk to him . Find out why he 's in SGC BDU 's and how he got our iris code . " Sam said before walking away . She didn 't give Jack a second glance but Teal ' c did . Teal ' c knew he had seen this man before but he didn 't know where he had seen him before . Two days later Jack was taken out of his cell and brought into the briefing room . He hadn 't talked saying he would wait to talk to the General . They didn 't press it . He didn 't know what to expect . Hopefully Hammond but that 's not who he got . He looked at the back of the man in front of him . He knew he knew that body shape but he couldn 't place it . While being here no one visited him . He was given food three times a day and that was it . Once he was taken to shower . The man was yelling now . His shoulder turned and Jack saw two stars on this man 's lapel . A Major General . So same rank as Hammond but not Hammond . And the voice well it was deeper than he thought it should be . His senses screamed he should know this man . Since he hadn 't started the entropic - cascade failure stuff he knew that Jack O ' Neill was either dead or never existed . " I don 't know , General . It will take three hours to get the gate running again . Seems Siler was the cause . " The scientist said . She seemed ready to bolt as soon as she could . " For cryin ' out loud ! Well , have Colonel Carter help with the repairs . I don 't want it to happen again . I leave for two days and everything goes to hell in a hand basket . Dismissed . " Jack was surprised the man said things that he himself would normally say but it wasn 't him . He knew that . It couldn 't be . Not since he wasn 't being ripped apart . " Sir , we have the man who came through the gate . " The guard said . The General spun around shock in his eyes once he got a look at Jack . Jack copied the look . Standing in front of him in BDU 's with the rank of Major General was his Dr . Daniel Jackson . " Daniel ? " Jack said . The guards looked at Jack funny . Thinking ' how does this man know the General 's first name . ' Then they tensed ready to do whatever the General asked . " Uncuff him then leave him . " The guards started to protest but Daniel held up a hand . " Am I giving orders or suggestions here ? I said now , Airmen ! " The guards uncuffed him then walked out the door they came in . Daniel didn 't say anything just stared at Jack . Almost waiting for him to disappear . " Come here . " Daniel said . His voice soft and caring . A total 180 from his tone used seconds before . Jack complied . " You look like him . The scar . The manor . But you aren 't . Another reality ? " " Yes , so you know me . Why doesn 't anyone else ? " Jack asked trying not to hug the man . Daniel was also having the same problem but neither man knew the other one was . " I don 't know about your reality . We 've met a few which were really different . I think we are the odd one out . But here after the first mission to Abydos the program stayed open . Ferretti , Kawalsky , you and I comprised SG - 1 . We had seven other teams . General Hammond replaced General West . Were you military there ? Here you were a Major . " " Yes , a Colonel . What do I call you ? " Jack didn 't know what to call him . He didn 't think that Daniel was appropriate but he didn 't think he could call Daniel ' sir . ' " Daniel is fine . I still am here but I also hold the rank of Major General . Once I joined the military I was trained to work on this project . After the mishap in 1945 they had small groups of military men working on it . Anyway , we went to a planet called Argos . That 's where you died . We didn 't figure it out in time . Sam was brought shortly after that . We returned to Earth after a mission to find that a Goa ' uld had taken some people . We went to Abydos to see if they were all right to find that Sha 're and Skaara were taken . We were able to get the address to Chulak . There we were taken hostage and able to escape with the help of a Jaffa named Teal ' c . How about you ? " " Mostly the same . But you stayed on Abydos with Sha 're . The ' gate program was shut down . I lived through Argos because of Sam . And I was the one to turn Teal ' c . " Daniel looked at him . He missed this man . He heard a knock on the briefing room door . " Enter . " Daniel said turning to face who ever came in . Sam and Teal ' c entered the room . Sam had a wary look on her face at seeing Jack out of the cuffs and no guards around . " Sam , Teal ' c . I am glad you came . This is Jack O ' Neill , from another reality . I 'm guessing you didn 't recognize him . " " Indeed . That is where he was familiar from . The picture on your desk , Daniel Jackson . " Teal ' c nodded to the man . Jack nodded back , smiling . " Yes , Did you two want something ? " For a second he forgot about Jack . He went straight into military mode . Which was nice . Too many emotions . " Pete 's out of town so I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat . " Sam asked wanting to talk to Jack . All that alternate reality stuff . " Yes , he 's my husband . I am just so glad to meet you , Major O ' Neill . " Sam said walking up to him and shaking his hand . " Actually , Sam , for him its Colonel . But I think it would be best to get Jack out of here to talk . If you two don 't mind ? " Daniel knew that Jack may ask some personal questions and here wasn 't the place to do it . " Yes , here they would too . Unless you work in the mountain . Frat regs are gone too . Due to the nature of the problem . Most can 't get lives and live them with the secrecy of the job . So we have made changes . But most don 't do the name thing . It 's General . Except Sam . But let 's talk about that later . I am hungry . You do like steaks don 't you ? " Daniel asked turning to look at Jack . " Yeah , Teal ' c take him to find some clothes . " Teal ' c nodded and walked out . Jack followed . Once they were out of earshot Daniel 's shoulders slumped and he walked to his office . He picked up a picture . The picture was of himself ad Jack kissing . " Can you do this ? " Sam asked . She had heard about Daniel and Jack 's relationship the moment she set foot on the base . They had met when they were both Majors . The relationship had stayed through Daniel 's promotions due to his job . Then Jack had been transferred onto the base . Then Abydos happened . She knew that after Jack had died he had almost killed himself . But hadn 't due to his promise to the man he loved and his stubbornness . He advanced rather quickly in the SGC to Colonel until Hammond had died of a heart attack . Then he was promoted to Brigadier General . His promotion to Major General was just recent , under two months . " Yeah , he may not want to stay . You know in his reality I was just a doctor of archeology . Not in the military . And it seems I was straight . " Daniel smiled weakly at this . " Yes , it is . DNA tests confirm it . Well seeing as how his reality differed from ours we could use him . He may know more than we do . Since Col . Breen is flying a desk job now he could be the replacement on SG - 1 . No , I don 't know who would lead . I understand , Sir . Yes , I will talk to him . " Jack knocked on the door . Daniel turned and smiled then motioned for Jack to come in a take a seat . " I don 't know . He has never talked about staying . Well , I don 't know why he wouldn 't , Sir . Yes , I will try . I won 't force him to . We have no right to do that . Have a nice day too , Sir . " " Talking about me behind my back ? " Jack asked as Daniel hung up the phone . Daniel smiled and picked up the phone again . He didn 't say anything just dialed a number . " Yes , Please find Col . Carter and Teal ' c and have them meet me in the briefing room . Thanks , Walter . " He hung up the phone . " You are allowed to stay if you want . You will even have the rank you had in your reality . But whether you join SG - 1 is up to you and Sam . She has been the leader of SG - 1 for two months . Col . Breen retired . He took over for SG - 1 when I became a Brigadier General . She may just let you have the lead . If not you two can fight over it . Her promotion is new . Just under two months . That 's how long I have been a Major General . But housing will be hard . Due to what we are doing here . It will take a few months to get you papers so you can live on your own . Plus , this world is a little different from yours . As you found out . " " Teal ' c lives off base ? " Jack asked . That was different . This government was different from his . Way different . They wouldn 't trust Teal ' c to live off base . " Yes , since I became leader of the SGC near four years ago . I pushed for it and it was approved . He lives rather well . No trouble . Except being a really good neighbor . Helps little old ladies . Fixes leaks and such . " Daniel said . He was trying to find a way to tell Jack why he was living in the house that Jack probably owned in the other reality . Daniel had taken the pictures of him and Jack off the desk . Except one , it was a picture of Jack and himself in front of an open wormhole . Nothing wrong about that one . Noting revealing . " Apartment . Sam lives with Pete in a house . And I live in a house , alone . " Daniel said . He was regretting the alone thing now . His son had moved out two years ago when he had started college . " Somewhat . " Daniel answered . Jack saw the look on Daniel 's face . He was keeping something from him , he wondered what . " But first you need clothes , and other things . So we need to go shopping . I have taken the rest of the day so that we can do that . Once we get SG - 1 sorted out . You may just have to deal with leading another team . " " I understand . I never thought that I would be able to just pop over and get my life back . Nor did I think it would be this easy . " Jack said . And he hadn 't . He remembered what a hassle Dr . Carter and Kawalsky went through in his reality . " We were host to a group of refugees from an AR a few years ago . They stayed for a few weeks while we got a plan together to free their world from the Goa ' uld . Seems that SG - 1 died on Apophis 's ship in that reality . They also had a device that stopped Entropic - Cascade . But they did not leave it with us . Seems that the plans were destroyed and they couldn 't make anymore . We helped them contact the Asgard and free their world . In light of that we are rather happy to accommodate people from AR 's . " Jack nodded at this . Then Sam and Teal ' c entered the briefing room . Jack and Daniel moved out of Daniel 's office to speak to them . " Well I have agreement from the Air Force , Pentagon , and President to allow Jack to stay here . So , what to do with him ? " Daniel said . Sam knew that she could say whatever she would like in front of Daniel . He had long ago told her that , as long as they were alone . Daniel had also explained this to Jack . Jack was having trouble getting used to the rules here under the mountain . He saw people hugging and laughing in the corridors . He even saw two men kissing . He asked Daniel about that and said that in this military gays were allowed . " That 's good . What do you want to do with him ? " Sam asked . She didn 't know what they had talked about . He and Jack . " I don 't care . That would be for you two to work out . " Daniel said . He smirked . " I am not getting in the middle of it . " " Probably . " Daniel said . He looked at Jack . " I never got to see your leadership abilities here . I was the leader . I have no reference . So how about a trial period ? Take a few missions , see if Sam and Teal ' c like the way you do things . If not you 're leading another team and I will find someone to replace Breen . " " Janet , back so soon . I thought you were gone another week ? " Daniel asked standing to hug Janet . Behind her came a little girl . " And why are you hiding , Aurora ? " " Sorry , Mine and Janet 's daughter . Sorry . Where 's Charlie ? " Daniel asked wanting to know where his son was . This was going to be hard on both of them " No . I asked him to give me a child near six years ago . Yesterday she turned five . I loved raising Cassie and helping with Charlie and I wanted one of my own . I asked he said yes . Though the taking was fun . " Janet laughed her eyes twinkling . " Janet β¦ " Daniel warned . " Aurora , why don 't you go find Charlie and tell him his dad wants to see him pronto . Then why don 't you go find something to eat ? " " So you have two kids . " Jack asked his stomach dropping . He was hoping that here he and Daniel were together . Or at least there was the chance . But it seemed that this Daniel was straight . " Only one is mine . Charlie is not mine . His mother died during childbirth and when his father was killed I adopted him . " Daniel said moving away from Janet . Janet knew that this man was Charlie 's real dad . She had seen so many pictures of all three together . And she had heard of the man from the alternate reality . " Who was the father ? " Jack asked , fearing the answer . But Daniel didn 't have to answer when Charlie came into the room . Charlie stood still where he was standing . Standing in front of Jack was an eighteen - year - old Charlie . " Jack , don 't you know your own son ? He was your son right ? " Daniel asked he was puzzled . He had hoped that there had been a Charlie in Jack 's reality . Maybe he was wrong . " Jack , I 'm sorry . If I had known I would have done this different . You never talked about it . That could never happen here . You never kept a gun in the house . You weren 't allowed . " Daniel said moving to rub Jack 's back . He kept back that Daniel was the one to not let him have a gun in the house . To Charlie seeing his parents together again made his happy . Daniel had told him that Jack had come through the ' gate but he didn 't believe it . Not until he saw it . " Why 'd you β¦ ? " Jack asked wanting to know what would make Daniel adopt his kid after he died . By the looks of it they were friends but not real close . " After you died , I raised him . Who else was there ? Your parents had disowned you long before then . Sara 's dad didn 't want anything to do with a tainted child , as Charlie was called . Since he and Cassie were roughly the same age they hung out all the time . Janet helped me when she could . So did Sam and Teal ' c . He 's in his second year of college , archeology . The president thought that he should be in the program . Since his father died in it , and his other father was living it . " Daniel watched Jack 's face for a reaction to that but didn 't get one . He thought that Jack must not have caught it . " Oh . Why did my parents disown me ? Why was Charlie ' tainted ' ? " Jack was puzzled . In his reality , Sara 's father loved Charlie . " Jack , you mean to tell me that in your reality you and Daniel weren 't lovers like here ? " Charlie asked . Daniel looked away form Jack waiting for the rebuke about being a fag . Jack looked at Daniel wondering why Daniel hadn 't told him . Why was Daniel going out of his way to be nice when this must be killing him inside ? To be so close to an old lover and not be able to hold and touch . " Well β¦ we were about a month into a relationship . I just thought that it didn 't happen here . Daniel , you never acted that way . " Jack said . He looked at Daniel to find Daniel with his back to him and him staring at the ' gate . Janet saw that the men needed to talk . " Charlie , Sam , Teal ' c , I think they need to have a talk . Alone . Let 's go make sure Aurora isn 't terrorizing the guards . " Charlie didn 't want to leave his Dad right now . He knew what his Dad was like inside . The emotions that were probably just on the surface . " Daniel ? " He asked . Not wanting to confuse anybody by calling out dad and getting Jack 's answer . Jack had noticed that he wasn 't Dad . It had been Jack . And no wonder . Daniel had been raising him for about eight years . " I 'm fine , Son . Just make sure Aurora is . She may understand all this . God , she grew up around it . " Charlie nodded and walked out . Jack moved to stand behind Daniel . Daniel could see him in the reflection . He could see the sorrow in Jack 's eyes . The real reason he hadn 't brought it up was because if this Jack had been straight he didn 't think he could bare his soul and then have it ripped out . He still thought that . What if he was too different from the Daniel he had fallen in love with ? What if Jack couldn 't get past him being military ? Jack placed his hand on Daniel 's shoulder . Daniel just shrugged out of it . " Don 't . Please just don 't . It 's too much . " Daniel was finally crumbling . His military training was failing . His emotions were getting too much . " How long were you two together ? " Jack asked . Wanting to know how long in this reality that he was openly gay . And how long his alter got to be in love with Daniel . " We got together about two years after Sarah 's death , so about eight years . We raised Charlie together . When we first met we were both Majors . I had been advanced a lot due to my training . And because of that allowances were made about the rules of being with a superior officers . I was promoted to Lt . Col . a few months after Jack and I got together . Then Colonel when Jack died . When Hammond died they promoted me again so I could run the base . I became a Maj . Gen . just less than two months ago . I nearly killed myself when Jack died . But he made me promise not to . And that I would raise Charlie . But I couldn 't stand it . I tried once . I had the gun in my mouth here on the base . I didn 't want Charlie to find me . Then I looked at my desk . There sat a picture of Jack , Charlie , and I . I lost it right then . Sam found me and took the gun away . " Jack had noticed that Daniel 's voice got smaller as the story went on . By the end he was actually crying . He still hadn 't turned around . Jack turned him around and pulled Daniel to his chest . Daniel tried to fight it but it was weak and halfhearted . In the end he just held onto Jack while he cried . " It 's alright , Danny . I 'm here . When I got here I thought you were so different from my Daniel . But you 're not . You still care too much and about everyone but yourself . " Jack just held Daniel while he cried as the tears subsided Jack felt a tap on his shoulder . He turned to see Charlie and Janet . " Take him home . Talk there . Sam will take care of the base . Here are the keys to his jeep . " Charlie said . Jack noticed the only sympathy was for Daniel . Jack looked at him and nodded . " Let 's get you home , Danny . " Jack said . Daniel pulled back and started to walk out of the room to change . Jack tried to follow . Charlie stopped him . " He 's been my only parent for eight years . Because of him I am in my second year of college when I should just be starting . He didn 't cry when Jack died . He wouldn 't let himself . He didn 't show weakness in front of anybody . From people he saw serving with I found out his nickname was ' Ice Bitch ' no one thought he would fall in love with anybody . There was this one guy who Dad had been with for a short time . I must have been eight . We were at the park . Frank was his name . He saw Dad at the park . He made the comment that Dad was patrolling for a lay . I ran to him and jumped in his arms screaming ' Dad ! ' He started to tickle me . Then Jack came over and kissed him . Frank was dumbfounded . That Dad and Jack had been together for six years and that Dad would even consider going with a man who had a kid . Especially such a young kid . Essentially you are not my father , my father died eight years ago . If you hurt him I will castrate you , Jack . " Charlie turned and left . Jack stared at his retreating form for a few seconds before moving to change . He found Daniel sitting in the passenger seat of the jeep . His eyes still teary and red from crying . But Jack knew he wouldn 't want to talk . Not until they got to the house . Jack drove and didn 't even think about asking for directions . The thought that Daniel didn 't live at his house didn 't cross his mind . Until he pulled up in front of it . Then he turned to ask and saw the mailbox , D . Jackson . " Yeah , I didn 't even think to ask . I just drove . I 'm glad you stayed . Most wouldn 't have . " Jack said shutting his door and walking to the sidewalk . " It was all I had left . This house and Charlie . They didn 't go to your funeral . Your parents . " Daniel said as he pulled out his keys and opened the door . " Eight . " Jack finished for him . Daniel looked at him and smiled . Jack didn 't say anything just looked around the house . This house was the perfect balance of Jack and Daniel . Ancient artifacts and space stuff . All over were pictures of Jack and Daniel . Both of them with Charlie . Each with Charlie . Singles of all three . Both men jumped when a knock came at the door . Daniel turned and opened it . Jack moved so no one could see him . " I 'm fine , Daniel . I just wanted to bring you by some brownies . You need fattening . " Jack smiled and remembered his Mrs . Brown , when she had been like that . Before she found out that Jack liked to sleep with other men . " And I 'll keep saying it until you find someone to care for you . Even if it 's just a friend . I know you still love Jack . Have a nice day dearie . " Mrs . Brown said before turning and walking back to her own house . " She 's not the same Mrs . Brown I know . She screamed sinner when she caught Daniel and I kissing . " Jack said as Daniel shut the door . " So did she . Until a person robbing the house shot me . She saw the love in Jack 's eyes that night when I was on the stretcher . She couldn 't deny the love between us . Since then she 's adopted me . She dotes on Charlie when he 's home from Chicago . Said we have raised him better than most hetero couples raise theirs . Coffee ? " Daniel said before moving into kitchen . Jack leaned on the frame and chuckled . Daniel turned and looked at him . " What ? " " Guilty . " Daniel said sheepishly . He found this Jack so much like his own it was hard not to feel those feelings start again . He took a few breaths and shut off the emotions . He had revealed too many today . In a few minutes the coffee was done . He poured himself a cup and moved so that Jack could do the same . Jack took one look at Daniel 's face and knew that Daniel had shut off his emotions . " I was on leave from the mountain . Vacationing in Florida , Kissimmee to be exact . I went to Disney World . I had never been there . I had just finished my second degree . I was twenty - three . I 'd just gotten off a ride β¦ " Daniel stepped off the ride he had been on waiting for his stomach to settle . He looked around and saw a little boy crying . He went over to him . The little boy didn 't say anything . Daniel noticed the tags on the boy 's neck . Daniel pulled his tags out of his pocket and showed them to the little boy . He let Daniel pick him up . Daniel walked to the nearest info booth and looked at the tags the kid was wearing . " Tall , hair lighter than yours . No funny eye things . " Daniel laughed at the kid 's description . Charlie was still in his arms and snuggled against his chest . Twenty minutes later Charlie was asleep . Daniel looked down at him and noticed that the kid had wrapped his little hand around Daniel 's tags . Around a half and hour later Daniel saw a man looking around the crown . Worry in his eyes . Daniel saw the he was tall and had brownish blonde hair . Daniel waved his arm and the man saw it . Then he saw the kid in Daniel 's arms . Relief washed over his face . He ran to Daniel and Charlie . " I don 't want to wake him . How about I walk you two to your car ? " Daniel said . Jack 's face got a shy look come over it . " Oh . Well I 'll drive you to your hotel . I dare say you both had some excitement today . " Daniel said as Charlie stirred a little . Daniel started rubbing his back . " Special training . I 've officially been with the military eight years . Went to college at 15 . Long story . " Daniel said motioning to his car . " What about you , Jack ? " " No need to collect anyone else . Charlie 's mom ? " Daniel said just now noticing that there had been no mention of a mom . Daniel took the keys from his pocket and handed them to Jack " β¦ we were staying at the same hotel . Charlie became attached to me . I spent the next three days waking up at god - awful hours to go out and around the town with Jack and Charlie . Charlie was sad to see me go . But I had my job to get back to . Because of the nature of my job no one could know where I work other than out west . So we talked over the phone a lot . No letters or such . Charlie looked forward to that call every week . Then one week after I was dome talking to Charlie Jack told me he was being moved . Top - secret local . So it may be a week or two before he 's able to call and talk . Getting moved and settled in and such . About a week later I went to General West 's office to meet the newest recruit . He was being brought in because of his degree in Astronomy . I didn 't look at his file . I wouldn 't be working with him . I was with the archeologists . He 'd be with the scientists . But since I was the lead of the archeo 's I had to meet him . I walked into the office to be staring in the face of Jack . West was happy that we knew each other . Might make things more hospitable between the eggheads and the geeks . Geeks being the archeo 's and eggheads being the scientists . Self inflicted nicknames . " Jack and I arranged to meet at his place for dinner that night . So I could give him the run down of the project . He picked up Charlie from the sitter 's and cooked dinner . When Jack opened the door to let me in and Charlie got sight of me he squealed . I never wanted to fall in love . And boy was I scared when I noticed that I had . I started to pull away . Slowly at first . Then more and more . Jack showed up one night at my apartment . I opened the door and before I could shut it he pushed past . I told him to leave but he wouldn 't . I screamed at him to leave . He was always stronger than I was . He pinned me against the wall and demanded to know why I was pulling away . Having him holding me against the wall like that was a sort of fantasy . And boy was it getting a reaction . I tried to wiggle out of his grip but all that did was make him put a leg between mine so I couldn 't go anywhere . Well that made sure he could feel the reaction it was having on me . Even to this day I can feel and hear him say those words in my ear . ' Why didn 't you say something , Danny ? ' he then plastered his body against mine . I could feel his erection as well . And that was too much . Way too much . ' Is it love or lust , Danny ? ' He may be stronger . But I was quicker . I was able to shove him backwards and make it to my bedroom before he could catch me . I had the door shut and locked before he even got near it . The thoughts in my head just kept on spinning . I couldn 't love . Not him . Not anyone . It would all end badly . Luckily I had just ate so I wouldn 't need to do that . And my bathroom is connected to my bedroom . So won 't have to leave for that . After two hours he got the idea and left . " Next day at work we acted normal . I come visit Charlie on the weekends when I had time . One night I was sitting at home and the phone rang . I answered it and heard nothing . Then a little voice spoke over the phone . ' I 'll be there soon , Charlie . Just hold on . ' I rushed over to Jack 's . Luckily the door was unlocked . Charlie met me in the living room and showed me to where Jack was . I checked on him . He was burning up . I called for an ambulance . Several hours later they finally got him into a room . He had phenomena . But they wouldn 't let me in . After hours and I 'm not family . But Charlie wouldn 't go in with the nurse and he was starting to make scene even with me trying to calm him down . So they let me in . Charlie crawled up in bed with him and I sat beside him . I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up that morning one of Jack 's hands was rubbing my head and the other was holding my hand . I sat up and saw Charlie eating Jack 's breakfast . " I guess you could say the rest is history . How 'd you and your Daniel get together ? " Daniel asked after his long story . Jack smiled . His was nowhere near that long or that winded . " Well , uhh , in 1996 Daniel was brought to crack the code on the coverstsone . He saved my life on Abydos . Charlie had just recently died by my gun . He stayed on Abydos with his new wife Sha 're . Year later Apophis 's goons come through the ' gate and make trouble . We spend the next seven or so years fighting the Goa ' uld . One of which he spends as and Ascended being . " " Yeah , anyway he got kicked out of there for helping us with Anubis . Came back with no memory . Took that for me to cop to the feelings I had for him . And a good long while before I did anything about it . We were celebrating a month together when Anubis attacked . " Jack said . Daniel knew that his story was done . No more on it . " We destroyed Anubis six months ago . It cost us a good soldier who downloaded the ancient information in his brain . We weren 't able to contact the Asgard on time . He died in the outpost . " Daniel said looking in to his coffee cup . " General Tso 's Chicken . I 'm gonna use the restroom . " Jack said setting down his coffee cup and motioning upstairs . Out of habit he went to the master bathroom connected to the master bedroom . After he was done he walked out and looked at the bedroom . He looked to the left side of the bed , where he normally slept and saw only a picture on the stand . It was on of Jack and Daniel . It had to be early in the relationship because Daniel still looked so young . Daniel was on Jack 's back and they were both smiling . In the background he could see people and it looked at though they had been playing football in the park . On the right side of the bed on the stand sat another picture . This one had all three or them in it . Jack could see the Christmas tree in the background along with presents scattered around the floor . Then he saw the dog . A small black puppy . Charlie had to be near ten in this picture . Charlie sits in front of the tree holding the dog and Jack and Daniel were seated behind him petting the dog . All three wore giant smiles . Charlie had always wanted a dog . Then Jack saw the dog tags sitting near the picture . Jack picked them up . " They 're his . Hammond let me keep them . Records say they went to his family . Even before they found out about me fucking their son they didn 't like me . First time I met them they had stopped by for a surprise visit . It had to have been a week or so after Jack got back from the hospital . I came by with papers for him to sign about work . He wouldn 't be back for another two days . John took one look at me and scowled . Marie didn 't even look at me . I think they knew . Of his family only Aunt Maggie accepted it . But she died two years into the relationship . " Daniel said moving and taking the tags from Jack . Jack handed them over . " Oh , Jake down the street 's watching her . I was going to go pick her up soon . That was the last Christmas with us together as a family . Charlie was so happy that morning when he woke up to find her curled up with him in her bed . Pure blood black lab . Her name 's Starry . Jack named her for the Stargate . He thought it was funny . Do you want to meet her ? " Daniel looked at him . Jack wondered if the dog would know whether he was a different person . " Sure . My Charlie always wanted a dog . We were going to get him one for Christmas the year he died . Why didn 't you let Jack keep his gun in the house ? " " I was on a dig . They kept guns around in case some wild animal got into the dig . A young girl about eight found a loaded one and shot her foot off . I was near her when it happened . After that I never wanted to touch a gun . But I wanted the military more . I just never used them if I didn 't have to . Since I was just in the military for the Stargate project it was easy to not have to handle one . Boy was I happy when we found the Zats . So much better . Well , I 'll go get Starry . The Chinese should be here soon . The money 's on the stand by the door . Check to make sure that it 's not someone from the neighborhood before you answer . I think we may want to save that for when we have a story for how you are alive . " Daniel said before leaving the room . Jack just simply nodded . He understood . Having Jack open the door and having Mrs . Brown standing out there would probably give her a heart attack . And for the first time Jack wonders about the cover story they used to cover up Jack 's death . Was there anyway for Jack to jus t mysteriously come back to life . Before he could really get into it the doorbell rang . Jack walked to it and looked out the peephole . He could see the hat that said the kid was from the local Chinese restaurant and so he opened the door . " Uh , fifteen even . I thought he got a lot of food . Just thought Charlie was in town . " Jack smiled and looked at the money Daniel had laid out . A note was on it . ' no change . ' Jack smiled . " Here , keep the change . " Jack said . Handing the two bills to the kid . The kid eyed the ten and the twenty and saw he was getting a fifteen - dollar tip . And he smiled at Jack . " Steve . The Gen knows me . I 'm the only one who he 'll let deliver to his place . Bye . " The kid turned around again and walked back to his car . As the kid drove away Jack heard him honk his horn . Then he heard a dog back . " General ! " " Steve . " Daniel said as he waved to Steve . Jack smiled . " Starry , no . Calm down . " Jack looked at the dog . She was tugging to get out of Daniel 's grip . The dog wanted to get to him . " I 'd put the food down and get into the house . She 'll tackle you . " " I got it . Let her go . " Jack said after setting the food down and taking a few steps into the house . Starry did barrel him down . And he emerged a few minutes later with a face covered in dog saliva . " She has missed you . She may have been Charlie 's dog but she loved you dearly . Starry , go eat . " Daniel said to the dog . She went off and started to eat . " Help your self to a shower . My clothes should fit . Just wear what you find . " " I have to go to the base around five . So set your alarm accordingly . " Daniel said as he helped Jack put the sheets on the bed in the guest room . " I don 't like to be late . " " That 's early . Even for you . " Jack said . Daniel nodded and moved to throw Jack a pillow so he could put the case on it . " Well SG - 18 is leaving at 5 : 30 . They are bartering with the inhabitants of P9H - 212 . They want to talk over breakfast . I usually go in around six anyway . Sleep well , Jack . Start may want in at some point . So I 'd leave the door open . She 's allowed to sleep at the bottom of the bed , if it 's fine with you . " Daniel said moving to the door . " The truth . She 's like me . She understands everything . She knows I love her mom just not that way . Friday she 'll be coming here to stay for a week . It 's Easter Break and she 'll be coming to the base everyday . Janet and Cass are going to Washington . Some seminar they 've turned into a trip . " " Since she was three . She couldn 't sleep so we were sitting in the living room watching a documentary . Next thing I know I was standing on the newest Asgard ship and Aurora was saying ' aliens . Thor was apologizing , he didn 't know Aurora was in my lap . " Daniel said with a smile on his face . " Two years . I 've known him for three . O ' Neill , there 's someone at the ' gate . " Jack and Sam both bring their weapons to bear on the man at the ' gate . " Let 's radio back . Ask Jackson . " Jack said as he dialed the ' gate . Jack didn 't enter the IDC but he did click his radio twice . " It 's O ' Neill . We 've got a man here wanting help . He was standing at the ' gate waiting . Please advise . " Jack said . He heard talking coming over his radio . " No . Not here . Plus since Teal ' c doesn 't have Junior anymore he 's the only one who can check to see if a person is a Goa ' uld . " Jack 's eyes widened . " My name is Ren . My village is many miles that way . We have no food . Can you spare some for us ? " Daniel stepped up to the man . He smiled and pulled out an energy bar . He tore it open and handed it to the man . He started eating it . " In an hour some people will come through the ring . You will show then to your village . They will have food for you village . " Ren nodded and Daniel stepped back on to the platform . " Jack , take us home . " " You don 't know what they could be walking into . He may no have been a Goa ' uld but that doesn 't mean that there is Jaffa waiting for them at that village . " Jack said remaining standing . " Yes , I know . That 's why the SG - 3 Marines are going in . Weapons ready along with SG - 13 and a med staff . Jack , we 've done this before . Food and medicine where it 's needed . Medicine or just good company . Sure we 've got out hands burned before but it 's worth it . It 's all volunteers . I don 't force SG teams to do missionary work . This will be the 37th planet we 've helped . " Jack couldn 't look Daniel in the eye . He still saw his Daniel trying to be military . " You didn 't know . Now you do . No harm , no foul . Why don 't you take a day or two and read some of the mission files from SG - 1 . I 'll have them sent to your office . " Daniel said picking up his phone . He dialed a number and spoke for a minute or so . Then he hung up . " Yes , as rank goes you are second in command . You have to have and office . Sam never needed one because she had her lab . It 's been empty since I left it . It 's being set up now . Do you read your memos ? " Daniel asked standing he motioned for Jack to follow him . " Damn straight . " Jack said . He followed Daniel to his office . But it wasn 't the same one he had had in his reality . No this one was bigger . He looked around . " Really . Show me which was yours . " Daniel said as he waited for Jack to walk out . They went a floor up . And they found what was Jack 's office . " Well Kelowna was destroyed here . That bomb destroyed the whole planet . " Daniel said grabbing the bowl of mashed potatoes from the table seconds before Teal ' c could get them . Teal ' c turned and stared at Daniel hard . " You gotta be fast Teal ' c . I would think you 'd have learned that . " " Indeed , one would think . " Teal ' c said taking the bowl Daniel was handing him . Jack laughed . Then he took a bite of his food . " Don 't . They do this all the time . Teal ' c will get him back . It 's been like this since the beginning . Daniel will find himself needing a change of clothes tomorrow . It 's usually messy . Last time it was a rigged jello shooter in his desk drawer . Supplied by yours truly . " Sam said whispering in Jack 's ear . Jack started laughing . " Oh , god ! The whole base was scared to make Daniel made for weeks after that . He succeeded in making Teal ' c think he was crazy . Moved Teal ' c room one floor up . Used some of the Asgard tech to make Teal ' c think he was seeing things . " Sam said laughing at the memories . " It was most confusing . " Teal ' c said . Daniel laughed . The rest of the meal was finished while everyone chit chatted . Afterwards they went to the living room to drink coffee . " Thanks , you guys didn 't have to invite me . " Jack said as he sat down on the couch next to Sam and Pete . Teal ' c sat in the large overstuffed chair and Daniel took the place by the fire on the hearth . It was the start of November and Daniel wore heavy sweaters and still froze . " Hey , your family now . " Pete said . He looked around at everyone . " I mean come on . You have to know more about Sam than I do . " " Maybe , there seems to be a lot of differences . " Jack said . He looked at Daniel . " Although Daniel here is still cold in anything below eighty degree weather . " " Yeah , well that happens when you lived in the desert for the first part of your life . Sam , where 's my blanket ? " He was looking around . Sam laughed and left the room . She came back in carrying a blanket . She handed it to him . Daniel wrapped it around his shoulders . " Remember you spilt whiskey on it last time . It 's been in the laundry room ever since . " Sam said as Daniel nodded to say he remembered . Jack found it easy to get into the banter these people shared . He liked these versions of his friends . They are much more open . " So , Jack , where are you ? " Daniel asked as he drained his cup of coffee . He stood making sure the blanket doesn 't go into the fire . He makes his way to the kitchen . He comes back with his cup nice and full . " With them . We never had this . There was the regs . No one knew about Danny and me . We were going to wit until after we dealt with Anubis . I had to be sure that I didn 't act to friendly around Carter . So that we would get the frat regs thrown in our face . In the three weeks I 've been here I have laughed more than I had in years there . " Jack said . Sam hugged him . Then he got a surprise when Teal ' c hugged him . " I think that that may be the difference between having you convince him to betray Apophis and me . A bond was formed and since I was slightly more open with feelings I guess it rubbed off on Teal ' c . But he only ever hugs the people he calls friends . " Daniel said . Sam looked at the clock . It was near ten . " Since there wasn 't any alcohol consumed you guys can find your own ways home . I need my sleep . " Sam said standing and leaving . Pete followed her . Jack gave he retreating form a funny look . " We can leave when we want . Or if we really want crash here . Two guest beds and Teal 's gets the big one . She got and extra long one just for him . " Daniel said . Jack laughed . These guys were truly a family . Sam entered Daniel 's house using the key she had . It was Thanksgiving morning and it was her turn to cook the meal but considering who was coming it was going to be held at Daniel 's house . She knew that he might not be awake so she didn 't knock . She moved to the kitchen immediately . She did a mental count of who was coming : Herself , Teal ' c , Pete , Jack , Daniel , Charlie , Janet , and Aurora . Eight people . Last year it had only been six . Charlie had decided to stay in Chicago and Jack hadn 't been here . She looked at the coffee pot . Empty . So neither man was up . Half an hour later she had the turkey in the oven . The turkey would take six hours to bake and it was now ten in the morning . She made sure that everything was set out and that she had everything she needed . Once she was sure she went to the living room . Then stopped dead in her tracks . Both Jack and Daniel lay on the couch . Jack on the couch and Daniel on him . Jack had his arms wrapped around Daniel in a possessive manner . She could see that Daniel had been crying at one point . She smiled . She was happy that Daniel finally let Jack in . She removed herself from the living room and made her way to bedroom where she picked up a blanket and returned to the living room . She covered the men up . The blanket settling over them woke up Jack . She shushed him and smiled . He smiled back and went to sleep again . She made a note and hung it up on the door . ' Don 't Knock ! . ' Then she found herself a book and set down in the kitchen to read until she had to start cooking again . Knowing Teal ' c he would be here soon . The guys had already planned to play football in the vacant field across from Jack 's house . She heard the door open and shushed Charlie before he screamed for Daniel . " Good . Finally . I 've had them both call to talk to me about how I would feel if they started something . I gave them both my blessing . He 'll be good for Dad . " Sam laughed . " Well , I don 't know how far they have gotten but it seems that Daniel was crying and fell asleep on top of Jack . It 's a step in the right direction . That 's why the sign is out there . " Charlie nodded . Then moved to take his suitcase to his room . Twenty minutes later he came back down to find Teal ' c and Pete with Sam looking at the two guys , dead to the world , on the couch . Teal ' c was smiling . Charlie was laughing and remembering all the times he had woke up when he was younger to this exact same picture . Pete was also smiling . " I think that they would have thought that I would be on top . The one getting consoled . Remember you 're their hard ass CO . " Jack said as he slipped out from under Daniel to stand . He spent a good while stretching , as did Daniel . " They may be , but not me . This was the way it was when I was growing up . Daniel on top of Jack . See , Jack , Daniel has a slight problem with claustrophobia . " Charlie said . " Yeah , doesn 't bother me on missions and such . Just having someone on top of me . Kind of freaks me out . " Daniel says . Jack laughs . " Yeah , Aurora Fraiser would be most displeased if we started to play and she wasn 't here . " Teal ' c says moving to sit down . Everyone else followed suit . " Because she likes to see Pete and Teal ' c tackle her brother and father . That 's the way we play . And since we have a fifth man this year your on our team . Teal ' c counts as two . " Charlie said . He pointed at Teal ' c . " And believe me Teal ' c can tackle . " " Yeah , and I learned it from Jack . Jack , we have someone to see . " Daniel says . Jack nods and they get up . They go to their bedrooms to change . " Hold on a minute . " Mrs . Brown says . Jack stays hidden where Mrs . Brown can 't see him . Daniel stands in front of her door . A big smile on her face when she sees Daniel . " First , I have something to tell you . " Mrs . Brown nods and shuts her door so the heat won 't be let out . " Do you remember the mission Jack went on and didn 't come back from ? " " Was he ? " Mrs . Brown asked . She saw movement and saw Jack walking towards her . She rushed over to hug him . She 's crying and so is Jack . " God , you two . Get your asses in the house . It 's cold out here . " " No , Ma ' am . Five . I was injured in the firefight where they thought I died . I took a bullet to the head . Grazed it . The first few months in a coma , then the rest of the five years regaining my memory . Then I was caught and put in a prison . I 've been state side for about four months . But they didn 't tell Danny until a month ago . I didn 't want him telling anybody until I got back . I returned this morning . You 're the first to find out except the friends at the house right now . " Jack said while drinking his chocolate . " I 'm so happy to see you back , Jack . But my family will be arriving soon . We can catch up later . Oh ! " Mrs . Brown stood and hugged them both again . Even kissing Jack on the cheek . Then she ushered them out with promises of later . " I think she cracked a few of my ribs . Stronger for her age . " Jack said . He had just finished putting everything on his plate and took his first bite . " Sam , Janet , you two are going to be the death of me . This is so good . " " Yeah , you got to love him . I 'm told Sam 's cooking prior or meeting him could kill a goat . And they can 't eat anything . " Pete said . Getting himself a jab in the rib from Sam . " She wanted to stay in Chicago . She 's at the med school there . Dominic also goes to school there . But I have my eyes right here . Cassie and Charlie share an apartment . " Janet said . " That would be him telling me the last words Jack said to him on Argos . And they are private and I 'm not telling . " Jack said sticking his tongue out at Sam . " Yeah , he 's definitely my father . Childish . " Charlie said . Jack looked at him . That was the first time that Charlie had called him dad . Daniel reached over and squeezed his thigh . 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I 'm so glad I did my long run yesterday . Since Jerry was off work , we got to spend the day together and it was really nice to relax ! We drove the kids to school , and from there we went to Wal - Mart for a few things while we waited for Weight Watchers to open . I haven 't eaten Pop - Tarts in a really long time , but I used to love them ( the S ' mores ones , particularly ) . Quite honestly , I 'm surprised that they 've never come out with a peanut butter flavored one before ! Next up will be peanut butter AND chocolate , just watch . I couldn 't help it - - I bought a box . My kids eat Pop - Tarts sometimes , and I 'm sure they 'll like them . I 'm going to have one , just to try it . I usually spend 5 - 6 PointsPlus on an afternoon snack , so I 'll just eat one for a snack tomorrow . We already knew he would do it . This morning at home , he weighed in at 168 , which is 11 pounds below his Weight Watchers goal . That 's a grand total of 85 pounds lost ! I made him pose for a quick picture - - I think I am even prouder than he is about it . Anyway , we went in , and he weighed in under goal , and earned his Lifetime membership . Now , he just has to do the same as me - - weigh in once a month , no more than two pounds over goal weight , and he will continue to be a free member . While we were there , he bought an ActiveLink . He 's seen how much I like mine , and wants to try it out , also . So now he 'll begin the one - week assessment period before he starts earning his Activity PointsPlus . I asked how he wanted to celebrate , and we decided to go to La Pita for lunch . Remember how I forgot the hummus I 'd paid for last time I went there , and the manager said she 'd send me a gift card ? Well , she sent me a $ 15 card ! I was expecting a $ 9 card , because that 's what I paid for the hummus . It was so nice of her , and we were excited to use it . I got the chicken tawook sandwich today , and it was amazing ! It was a pita with grilled chicken breast chunks , pickles , and garlic sauce - - sounds like a strange combo , but it all went so well together . Jerry got the chicken schwarma sandwich , and we shared a small order of hummus . I think I actually like the chicken tawook sandwich better than the lunch plate I used to get . We saved enough room for some self - serve frozen yogurt afterward , too . We don 't have any self - serve fro - yo places near us , and since we were in Dearborn already , it was hard to resist when we were just down the road from one ! I got a tiny bit of about five different flavors of fro - yo , and then put way too many toppings on it . I couldn 't decide which toppings to choose , so I put all kinds of different ones . I ran out of room , or I 'm sure I would have put more . To give myself a little credit , those were actually the smaller sized cups , so it could have been worse ; ) Needless to say , we were both very full after that , and decided to call that our lunch AND dinner . Our lunch and frozen yogurt came out to 35 PointsPlus ! But considering I didn 't have a long run treat yesterday , it worked out well . I asked Jerry if he 'd write a guest post about his weight loss , but he said he has no idea what to write . Do any of you have questions for him ? I think he 'd do better with a Q & A than he would just writing a post . It 's been a long journey for him , and I 'd love for him to be able to show off his accomplishments a little ! I know I posted his comparison photo before , but I just love his transformation . . . I woke up feeling MUCH better than yesterday . It must have just been some weird stomach bug , but thankfully it didn 't last a long time . After I got the kids off to school this morning , I ate breakfast and while I was drinking my tea , I thought about doing my long run today instead of tomorrow . Jerry is off work tomorrow , and it 's a big day ( he 'll reach " Lifetime " status at WW ! ) , so I 'd like to spend some time with him . Running at a slower pace is really hard ( mentally ) for me , but I would really like to work on slowing my pace for my long runs - - mainly to enjoy them more . With marathon training starting soon , I don 't want to dread my long runs ! And now that my big sub - 2 : 00 half - marathon goal is out of the way , I don 't feel pressure to run fast . : ) It was hot outside . Like , reallyfuckinghot , and I almost changed my mind altogether about running . I know that those of you from Texas or Florida , or other hot and humid states , probably think that 82 degrees is a nice temp , but for this girl ( who likes 30 - 40 degrees for running ) , it was HOT . And really humid . I brought my handheld water bottle with me , because I knew I 'd need it in the heat . I headed out for an 8 - mile lollipop route , and then I figured I 'd just do an out - and - back route after that to get in 12 miles . I started running at a pace that felt comfortably slow ; I was aiming for 9 : 30 . When my Garmin beeped at mile 1 , I saw 9 : 29 - - not bad ! Usually I have a hard time with judging my pace by feel . I really started having second thoughts during mile two . If I had been running at home , I probably would have done four miles and called it quits , but because I drove and parked somewhere , I was invested . I kept going . I finished mile two in 9 : 30 . Mile three is when I felt myself slowing down . Then miles four and five were on a gravel path through a park , in full sun , and I would have happily accepted a ride home if someone had asked ; ) At that point , I wasn 't sure that I 'd even be able to maintain under a 10 : 16 pace ! It 's amazing how much the heat and humidity affect my pace . Just before mile five , I stopped at a water fountain in the park and refilled my water bottle . I was really fighting in my head whether I should just finish the run at mile eight , when I got back to the car , of if I could stick it out another four miles . I debated this the entire way back ! I stopped again for another water refill at a fountain about a mile from my car . At around mile 7 . 9 , I was stopped by a train . I 'm not going to lie , I was pretty happy to take a legit break ; ) That was when I decided to do a compromise - - I 'd run out an extra mile and back , and that way I 'd get in 10 miles - - not quite the 12 I 'd planned on , but not just 8 , either . The last two miles felt like they took forever . During mile 10 , I couldn 't get my heart rate back down into Zone 3 ; it was in Zone 4 , and even though I felt like I was going really slow , the heat was really affecting me . Finally hit 10 miles , and was SO happy to be done ! I was completely drenched in sweat . I was really proud of myself for sticking it out , despite the heat . My average pace was 9 : 57 / mi . Average heart rate was 151 ( goal was141 - 156 bpm ) . On the way home , I drove through McD 's and got a large Diet Coke . I drank the whole thing on the way home , and it really hit the spot . I spent a lot of PointsPlus the last couple of days because of my stomach issue , so I probably won 't be getting a long run treat today . I think part of the reason I love hate love running is because I feel SO good when I fulfill some sort of challenge . Today 's run in the heat was a big challenge for me , but I felt amazing when I did it ! Posted by I woke up a sweaty mess this morning , feeling extremely fatigued , and nauseous . Flu ? I hope not . I was feeling " off " all day yesterday , too . It was my stomach , mostly ; I felt like I was really hungry , and if I ate , I would feel better ( so I was eating all day ) , but nothing sounded good . I ended up using a lot of PointsPlus yesterday , which made my weight go up a little this morning ( compared to yesterday ) . It was VERY difficult , and I don 't think I 'll try that again for a long time ( if ever ) . I reset my goal to earning 8 PointsPlus per day , which is much more realistic for me . Some days , I 'll earn more , some day ( like today ) I 'll earn less . My other goal was to get in my Good Health Guidelines this week , and I did really well with that , too . I filled them all for every day except yesterday . That was also hard to do . I have a hard time getting in the healthy oils and the dairy servings . My goal for this week is just to stay on track with my eating , and not go over my PointsPlus for the week . Unfortunately my stomach was feeling crappy all day today , too . Eli went through this not too long ago , where he was constantly hungry but nothing sounded good and he complained about his stomach hurting ; so I probably have the same bug . I laid on the couch all day today - - mentally , I wanted to go for a walk , but physically , I felt sick every time I stood up . I really hope I 'm feeling better tomorrow . I 'm deathly afraid of spiders . I hate them ! I was pan - frying some pork chops when I saw this spider crawling across the microwave . The microwave is just above the stove , so it was right in front of me ( and directly over the pan ) . I was trying to think of how to kill it - - if I missed , it could fall into the pan , and I couldn 't spray it with poison , because our food was right there . I snapped this picture to show Jerry when he got home from work . Right after I took the picture , I grabbed a paper towel to try and kill it . Before I could even move , I saw it moving downward . I watched helplessly as the stupid thing dropped right into the pan of pork chops . It crawled for a second in the pan before dying a pretty miserable death . I plucked it out of the pan , but there was no way I was going to eat the pork chops after that . Jerry ended up eating them , except for the one that the spider touched . I had another big scare that evening . Jerry and I were talking in the living room , and I handed him my phone , which was plugged into my computer . When he pulled it toward him , the cord knocked over my water bottle , right onto my laptop . And by " my " laptop , I mean the one that Microsoft is letting me borrow for a year . I jumped up and ran to the kitchen for a towel , and dried it off . The screen shut off and I couldn 't turn the computer back on . I kind of flipped out after that . I was REALLY upset that we were going to have to pay to replace this very expensive computer . I just cried on my bed while Jerry tried to figure out what to do . About an hour later , we ended up putting it in a bag of uncooked rice , which seemed to be the most popular home remedy . I 'd lost hope ; I was sure it was ruined . Yesterday morning , while it was still in the bag , I pressed the power button just to see what happened - - and it worked ! I ended up having to reinstall a few things , but other than that , everything is back to normal . I dodged a very expensive bullet . And now I 'm making sure to put the lid on my water bottle whenever I 'm not drinking from it . On Monday , I went grocery shopping for the first time since April 30th . I know I said we were going to challenge ourselves for the entire month of May , but quite honestly , I didn 't think we 'd make it past a week or two ; and we lasted four weeks ! So I went on a big grocery shopping trip Monday , but tried not to buy more than we 'll use within the next week or two , so it wouldn 't defeat the whole purpose of doing the challenge . It was a fun challenge , and I think we 'll do it again sometime . We had to get pretty creative with meals toward the end , but we liked the things we made , and have new meals in rotation now . We used up a lot of stuff that probably would have gone bad while just sitting in our pantry . I 'd consider the challenge a success ! 2013 Memorial Day 8K race report The night before last , I was cleaning up my Inbox , and found an e - mail about a Memorial Day 5K / 8K race about 30 minutes from my house . I 'd done the race a couple of years ago , and it was miserably hot . I had such a bad memory of that race , that I didn 't even consider it last year . But Jerry and I were trying to come up with something to do with the boys on Memorial Day , and since there was a 1 mile Fun Run , I thought maybe we could take them to do their first 1 mile race . I mentioned it to the boys . Eli loved the idea , and begged to do the 5K ; Noah didn 't want to do it at all , because he was really worried about being in last place . I told Eli that he 'd have to train for a 5K , but I 'd let him do the 1 mile if he wanted . He was really upset about it , so I just figured we 'd forget the whole idea . I didn 't want to bring it up again , so when the boys woke up yesterday morning at around 6 : 45 , I asked what they wanted to do today . Eli mentioned the race again , and I didn 't want to tell him no , so we decided to go ( I told him he had to do the 1 mile , not the 5K ) . We all threw on our running clothes and ran out the door . We got to Grosse Ile and drove around for a bit , because I couldn 't really remember how to get to the high school , but my memory came back pretty quickly . I had been planning to do a 5 mile run sometime during the day , and since we were at the race , I decided to just sign up for the 8K ( 4 . 97 miles ) . The weather wasn 't bad ( 55 degrees ) , so I hoped it would be a better experience than last time . The kids ' race started at 9 : 00 , and they said they wanted to do it without Jerry or me . Noah was super nervous , but Eli was excited . I kept stressing to them that they need to run at their own pace - - not to start too fast , even if it seems like all the other kids are passing them . I saw Renee , who was there with her family ( husband and three boys ) . They made the last minute decision to go to the race as well . Her boys were lined up for the 1 mile , and I should have told Eli to make sure he didn 't try to keep up with Ben ( Renee 's youngest ; he 's Eli 's age ) . Renee 's family is SUPER fast . After the countdown , the kids were off . I was so nervous I could hardly stand it ! The kids went 3 / 4 of the way around the track , then cut across a small patch of grass to a sidewalk and took it out a ways , then turned around to come back . Noah and Eli seemed to be doing pretty good , but I could tell they were really pushing themselves . I think they started out too fast ; ) I expected to see them both walking on the way back , but they were still running along , at what seemed to be a good pace . Noah was just slightly ahead of Eli the whole way . Renee 's oldest boys zoomed by and one first and second place , and her youngest was probably eighth . When Noah and Eli were almost to the finish line , I ran out onto the track to be there when they crossed . Noah crossed first , with a time of 9 : 05 ! I gave them both a huge hug and kept saying how proud I was of them for finishing , even though it was hard . Noah said he felt like he was going to throw up . ; ) The kids were given ribbons and they could choose a piece of candy from a bowl ( very cool prize for a kid ! ) . Both of the boys were SO proud of themselves , and they said they were really glad that they did it . After that , it was time to head over to the starting line for the 8K . I chatted with Renee for a minute before lining up , and she asked what pace I was going to run . I told her about 8 : 45 , since it was just for fun . She gave me this look that said , " You can do better than that ! " I hadn 't been planning to " race " it , but made the last minute decision that I would do my best . We lined up and got ready to start . ( If I 'd been prepared , I would have come up with a cute red / white / blue outfit ) . The horn sounded , and off we went . I started out too fast - - about 7 : 15 pace for the first half - mile , and it was rough . I naturally slowed down , because there was no way I could keep up that pace , and then I just hoped to keep my pace under 8 : 15 . It was hard ! I have no idea how I managed a 7 : 57 pace for my recent 10K . There is a small section that goes through the woods on a trail . This was a little frustrating because it was narrow and we had to run single - file . I wanted to pass the man in front of me , because it felt like we were going kind of slow , but after we got out of the woods , I saw that we 'd been running 8 : 15 , so it wasn 't bad . They had quite a few water stops for an 8K - - probably 4 ? - - but I didn 't stop for any of them . When I got to this one stretch of road in the final mile , I remembered how much I hated that part a couple of years ago , because the sun was beating down on me . This time , I did fine with it , and managed a sub - 8 : 00 pace for the last mile . The last hundred yards or so is on a track . I started looking for Jerry and the boys , and saw them just before the finish line . I finished in 40 : 31 , which wasn 't bad for a last - minute race ( although my pace wasn 't as good as my 10K a couple of months ago ) . I checked out the food , but didn 't take anything ( bagels from Panera , lots of baked goods - - cookies , brownies , etc . - - bananas , watermelon , and yogurt ) . Then we headed back to the car . I saw Renee in the parking lot , and she 'd finished in 37 : 37 ! We said our good - byes , and she told me that she 'd pick up my medal for me if I 'd won anything ( hahaha ! I laughed at that ) . I was stunned . Granted , it was a fairly small race , but it was still exciting . Renee picked up my award ( she 'd won third in her age group , her husband took first , and I already mentioned her boys were first and second in the kids ' race . . . I told you they were a fast family ) . They dropped off my medal for me on the way home , and we got a quick picture . I hope everyone has had a nice ( and healthy ) long weekend ! Jerry was off work today , and the kids didn 't have school , so the four of us were trying to come up with something to do . At about 7 : 00 this morning , we decided to go run a race ! The race started at 9 : 00 , and was about 30 minutes away , so we threw on some clothes and headed out the door . I 'll save all those details for tomorrow , when I 'll write an actual race report ; for now , let 's focus on Motivational Monday ! Allison ran a 5K race with her kids , Esther and William , a race where she did her first 5K a year ago . She 's lost 117 pounds , and is in the best shape she 's ever been . She says there is nothing like running with your kids ! Jenny and her husband made a new year 's resolution - - she wanted to run a half - marathon , and he wanted to run a full - marathon . They both started training , and her husband talked her into doing the full instead of the half ! Unfortunately , he was injured and had to stop training , but Jenny kept going , and just ran her first marathon ! ( Two weeks later , she finally ran her first half - marathon , hahaha ) After being an on - again - off - again runner for years , Kelsey decided to sign up for a half - marathon and stick to her training schedule . After following the training ( losing over 35 pounds in the process ) , she just ran her first half - marathon ! Here is her race report . Debra ran a 5K that was actually her first 5K last year . This year was quite different , however ! Last year , she ran / walked the course in 45 : 11 and was 216 pounds . This time , she ran it in 36 : 03 and 173 pounds ! Gigi just celebrated her two - year running anniversary . After her first race , a 5K , she was totally hooked - - and has run well over 100 races in the past two years ! She just recently ran the Flying Pig Half - Marathon . You can see lots of her race reports on her blog , Running on Candy . source In about a month from now , Jen will be competing in swimsuit on stage for the title of Miss Virginia . She is preparing her body the healthy way , without crash dieting or doing anything she wouldn 't want her young students to do . She has a history of disordered eating , and this time around she wanted to get in shape the right way , and set a good example . Through mindful eating , she 's gone from 165 to 135 , and has become a runner . She decided to run a race every weekend until the Miss Virginia pageant , and has quite a few under her belt already ! ( You can read more about it on her blog , Life Gets 2 Thumbs Up . Jennifer and her sister , Crystal , ran their first 5K ! Jennifer had decided that she wanted to run a half - marathon in the fall ( after walking one this past spring ) , so she started training and is well on her way . Here is her race report . Magdalena ( " Mimi " ) ran her first 5K on Saturday ; and her son ran his first kids ' run ( 300 meters ) ! She has lost 10 pounds since she started training for the 5K . Rachel originally started running in 2009 in order to lose a little weight without giving up her favorite foods . After doing some 10K and half - marathon races , she finally took the big plunge and registered for a full marathon . She trained , all on her own , for 18 weeks and hoped just to finish . She blew away her expectations and finished in 4 : 17 : 31 ! Last night , Jerry and I went to our friends ' house for a get - together . It was a lot of fun to see everyone ( my friends from high school ) . We didn 't stay too late , because Jerry had to work this morning . It was around 10 : 00 when we got home , and as I was walking up to the house , I noticed something that made me stop in my tracks . The screen was pushed from the window and lying in the yard . The house was totally dark , and Jerry and I ( stupidly ) left the windows open when we left . I was a little worried for a minute that someone had broken in , but when I looked in the house , I could see our computers , so I knew that wasn 't the case . I rounded up the cats , and Chandler was missing . I knew exactly what happened - - Chandler pushed the screen out of the window and went on a little excursion outside while we were gone . I told Jerry , " I bet you anything he 's sitting at the back door right now , waiting for us to let him in . " We went to the back door , and sure enough , he was sitting there . I 'm really surprised that Phoebe and Estelle didn 't wander out ( or they did , and had the agility to jump back in . . . ) . Paolo has no interest in going outside , so he was lying on the couch . I wish I could have been here to see what all the cats did when Chandler broke out . This morning , I really wanted to do anything other than run . I 've put in a lot of miles over the past week . The problem is , it 's really hard to earn 14 Activity PointsPlus on the days I don 't run . But I really couldn 't stand the thought of a run today , so I ended up going for a long walk . Thankfully , there weren 't any wandering dogs today , and everything was great . I walked slowly , and listened to the Jillian Michaels podcast . Yurbuds recently contacted me and asked if I 'd be interested in reviewing their earbuds . I 've heard really great things about them ( I had actually bought a pair for Jerry last year ) , so I said of course I 'll try them out . I think I 'm pretty lucky in that I 've never really had big issues with the standard earbuds that came with my iPod . I don 't have problems with those falling out like a lot of people do . My only real complaint about those ones is that they are really uncomfortable after a while , especially in the winter when I have a headband covering my ears . They kind of hurt . So I was hoping to find the yurbuds to be more comfortable . The yurbud earphones , of course , but also a towel , a mini Luna bar , and a Sweaty Band . Fun ! The model they sent was the Inspire Talk for Women , which means the buds are made for smaller ears . I wore them on a couple of runs ( even though I 've stopped using my iPod while running - - I wanted to see if they stayed in ) and on my long walk today . They didn 't fall out at all , and I didn 't have to readjust them . They are certainly more comfortable than the regular earbuds I 'm used to . So overall , I really like these , and they will definitely replace my regular old earbuds from now on . My only complaint about them is that I think the wind noise is a little more noticeable ; it was REALLY windy a couple of days ago when I wore them . I don 't know if the wind noise was because of the earbuds themselves or just because it was so windy . But the wind noise wasn 't bad enough to make me not use them . Oh , but speaking of the wind , I did notice one thing that I really liked . The cord on the Yurbuds is slightly stiffer than the earbuds that came with my iPod , which I noticed made the cord move a lot less in the wind . I hate how the wind blows the cord from my iPod all over , and sometimes my arm will rip the earbud out because of that . With the Yurbuds , the cord didn 't bother me , even in the strong wind , so I was happy about that . One of you can win a pair of green yurbuds Inspire for Women , because they generously agreed to let me give away the same package I got ! ( Note - - the model of earbuds is slightly different in that it doesn 't have the microphone ) . Just fill out the form below , and I 'll use Random . org to choose a winner on Tuesday , May 28th at 9 : 00 a . m . EST . Good luck ! Contest has now ended . ( Disclosure : yurbuds sent me a pair of earphones for free to review , but I was not required to give a favorable opinion . All opinions are honest , as always . ) Posted by So , I couldn 't help myself this morning . I kept thinking about the garage sale yesterday - - how many clothes I bought , but also how many more I didn 't buy . I bought mostly bottoms yesterday ( jeans , capris ) , so I wanted to go back and maybe get some tops . The kids really wanted to go to a garage sale , so at around 9 : 00 , we headed out . When we got there , I was glad to see that she still had a lot of her clothes there . I went though all of the tops , and ended up buying another $ 40 worth of stuff . I seriously have an entire new wardrobe ! I went through my closet and took out a bunch of stuff to donate , and then put all my new stuff in . It 's so fun to have all these " new " clothes . A few people asked how I find good deals like this - - the key is to go EARLY to the sales . If it starts at 8 : 00 , get there at 7 : 45 . If the sale starts Friday , but you can 't go until Saturday , chances are it will be pretty picked over . You can look for garage sales advertised in the newspaper , because sometimes they list whether they have clothing and / or what sizes . Also , I 'm not going to lie , it 's gotten easier to find good stuff now that I 've lost weight . When I was a size 24 , it was really rare to find nice clothes in that size . There are times I go to sales and don 't find a single thing ; but when I do , like at this sale , it 's totally worth it ! I wasn 't sure if I was going to run today . Normally , Saturday is a rest day , but since I 'm going for 100 Activity PointsPlus this week , it would be really hard to get in 14 ish PP today without a run . My kids went over to my parents ' house when we got home from the garage sales , so I ate lunch and then decided I 'd go run five miles or so at an easy pace . It ended up being a bad run . I went out a little less than three miles , then turned around to head home . at about mile four , I passed an unleashed German Shepherd . I 'd seen it a couple of times before - - once , it scared the crap out of me , barking like crazy and walking toward me , but the last time I saw it , it just stood there watching me , motionless . There was a mail truck right across the street , so I ran on the other side of it , shielding myself from the dog in case it came at me , but the dog just stood there like a statue . A few houses down , there was an unleashed bulldog , but the owners were out and the dog was sleeping , so I wasn 't too nervous . I just kept thinking , " A few more houses to go , and then I 'm in the clear ! " because there is a huge stretch of about a mile without any houses ( and therefore , less chance of an unleashed dog ) . At the very last house before the empty stretch , I saw an unleashed Husky . I froze and watched , trying to figure out what to do . There wasn 't anyone outside , and I had never seen that dog there before , so I didn 't think it belonged there . The dog spotted me , and watched me for a minute , then started walking toward me . I turned around and started walking the other way , trying not to panic . I kept looking over my shoulder , and the dog started running at me , so I started running away from it ( the opposite direction that I had been headed to get home ) . I know , dogs can 't chase you if you don 't run , but I was terrified and just wanted to get away from it . I decided to just run to a house and knock on a door , ask to use their phone , and call my parents for a ride home . I ran up the driveway of the first house , the dog closing in on me , and there was a woman in her garden . I 'm sure I looked ridiculous , but I was gasping as I told her a dog was chasing me . She looked at the dog and said she knew who it belonged to . The dog ran up the driveway , and she stooped to pet it . I was trying to hard not to cry , because she probably thought I was mentally unstable or something from how scared I was ! She said that I could go ahead and keep running , and she 'd take care of the dog . After that , my run was ruined . I couldn 't get my heart rate to slow down , and I had exhausted myself from all the adrenaline . I ended up finishing out six miles . Tonight , Jerry and I were invited to a get - together at our friends ' house . They actually live really close to us , so I think we 'll walk over there . They 're going to grill out , and asked us to bring a dish to pass . I 'm thinking a fruit salad ( or fruit kabobs ) , for a couple of reasons : 1 ) It 's 0 PointsPlus , so I can fill up on it ; 2 ) Produce is " allowed " in our no - grocery - shopping - in - May challenge . We 're still going strong with it , but I am SO excited to go grocery shopping again ! Oh , and that reminds me . . . yesterday , when I ate a bite of my chocolate peanut butter ice cream , I realized that I had forgotten that I challenged myself to give up peanut butter for six weeks ! But I still enjoyed the ice cream , and as long as peanut butter doesn 't become a problem again , I 'm okay with ending the challenge early . ; ) I 've been doing really well this week with my eating and my activity . I 've earned 57 PP at the moment ( probably 61 by the time this post goes live tonight ) . So I 'm definitely on track for 100 ! I 've kept my eating really consistent , too , so I hope that by my weigh in on Wednesday , I 'll be back down to 133 ish . Today felt like Saturday . I was confused all day ! But I got up and got the kids ready for school this morning , and Jerry was off work . My mom called this morning and asked if I wanted to go to a few garage sales with her , so Jerry put the kids on the bus while I went with my mom . I totally hit the jackpot at one of the sales . From the street , I could see a super cute black and yellow dress , and it looked like it could be my size . When I checked it out , it was indeed my size , and the $ 80 price tag was still on it ! The woman was selling it for $ 5 , so I snatched it up . I walked into the garage , and there were a TON of clothes on the left , all folded in organized piles ( organization will get you everywhere when having a garage sale ) . Almost everything was American Eagle , which is my favorite brand of jeans ( or clothes in general , I guess ) . Their jeans fit me really well ( a lot of jeans are tight in the calves , because my calves are huge , but AE jeans fit me all over ) . I bought about 6 pairs of jeans , 5 pairs of capris , 4 pairs of shorts , that dress above , a sundress , about 8 tops , and a pair of jeans for Jerry - - for a grand total of $ 58 . Normally , $ 58 would seem like a lot for a garage sale , but I knew the jeans would fit , and I got SO much cute stuff ! I was really excited to get home and try it all on . The first thing I tried on was the yellow and black dress . I zipped it up , admired it in the mirror for a minute , and then when I went to unzip it , it only unzipped halfway . It was completely stuck . I could zip up , but not down , and I couldn 't slide the dress off unless I unzipped it . I fought with it for a few minutes , and was starting to feel panicked and claustrophobic , so I grabbed the dress and pull the two sections apart , breaking the zipper . I know I can put a new zipper in it , so it will be worth it later , but I was bummed that the zipper was messed up . All the other clothes fit perfectly , and I was thrilled . Jerry tried on the pair of jeans I got him ( also AE brand ) and they fit him really well ( he 's getting so skinny ! They were a size 31 waist . . . I remember when he was a 40 waist ) . I told him that they had a ton more , so he should go check it out , and he did . He came home with a whole bunch of stuff . Apparently , that woman and her husband are the same size as us , and they really like AE also . Good for us ! After my shopping spree , I finally did my long run at 11 : 00 a . m . I never go for a run that late ! But it was pretty cold outside today . I even needed to wear long sleeves and pants while running . I 'm not training for anything important right now ( marathon training doesn 't " really " start for another couple of months , so I just decided to run a short - long run of eight miles today . It was pretty windy , which I 've come to get super annoyed with lately , but I was glad it wasn 't hot outside . A couple of miles in , I actually discovered that I am capable of screaming one of those high - pitched screams from the movies . I didn 't even SEE the snake until it was right at my feet , slithering around . I 'm pretty sure I jumped a mile in the air and my scream was heard from here to California . Normally , I 'm not afraid of snakes ; I 'm much more scared of spiders ! But the fact that I totally wasn 't expecting to see it right at my feet scared me half to death . The rest of the run was totally uneventful . Since it wasn 't a really long run run , I didn 't get anything very special for a long run treat today . Being Pizza Friday , though , we actually dined out for pizza . I invited my parents to come with us , and the six of us went to a local place . Jerry and I ordered a small fajita pizza , and it was FANTASTIC . It had chicken , green peppers , onions , tomatoes , and banana peppers on it . I ate two pieces , and was very tempted to have a third , but I always regret it when I eat three . I brought it home instead , and will probably have it for lunch tomorrow . I did want to get some sort of dessert for my long run today , so I got a teeny tiny little ice cream cup . I haven 't had this flavor since August 2009 - - I used to eat a few pints of it a week ! I 'm still too scared to buy a whole pint , but today , I got this 3 . 6 oz . cup . It was very small for 8 PP , but the ice cream is just as good as I remember it being . Definitely worth it ! But too dangerous to buy more than a tiny cup ; ) I finished the day yesterday with 15 Activity PointsPlus - - not bad ! It was pretty hard to get that many , but ( obviously ) not impossible . Now I just have to do it for six more days ; ) My mom reads my blog , so I usually avoid writing about very personal things ( i . e . sex ) . So , Mom , if you 're reading this , that was your cue to scroll down a bit . Okay , so last night , Jerry and I were - - ahem - - " talking " in bed , and all of a sudden , there were these bright flashy lights . I said , " What the heck is that ? ! " and then I realized it was my ActiveLink , which I forgot to take off ( I wear it clipped to my underwear band ) . When it gets in a certain position , the lights start flashing to show your activity progress for the day . So it was just letting me know that I 'd reached almost 125 % of my goal for the day . Just before bed , I had only earned 14 PP ; but after the " talk " Jerry and I had , I 'd earned another , bringing me to 15 for the day ; ) This morning , I did pretty much the exact same workout as yesterday . First , I ran five miles on the treadmill ( keeping my heart rate in Zone 3 ) . This time , I set it up as a virtual race , so the incline would go up and down randomly . The last couple of miles , I increased my pace to get my heart rate up a little higher . I realized that when I set the treadmill at 7 . 0 mph , my heart rate only gets up to about 145 . I was a little nervous to set it higher , but at around 7 . 3 - 7 . 5 mph is where my heart rate got to the top of Zone 3 . I was watching Flashpoint , and that episode ended about five minutes before I reached five miles , so I started a new episode . Then , when I reached five miles , I just switched over to a walking program on the treadmill to keep earning the Activity PP . This afternoon , I was getting edgy and wanting to eat out of boredom , so I started cleaning . I cranked up some music and cleaned the hell out of the house . A Blink 182 song came on and it reminded me of a playlist I used to have when I was losing weight . I have no idea what happened to it , but I titled it " Skinny " and it was a whole bunch of songs that just made me want to be thin and happy . Weird , right ? When I was losing weight , and feeling like I wanted to binge , I would sometimes turn on the playlist and crank up the volume , and it would help take away the urge to binge . I had forgotten just how helpful that was , so this afternoon , I created a new " skinny " playlist ; mostly all the same songs as before . I have a lot of Blink 182 on there , because it reminds me of the hot summer nights of 1999 , when Jerry and I first started dating ( no idea why that is ) . I 'm not going to write out the list , because , well , some of the songs are kind of embarrassing ; ) The songs aren 't inspirational or motivational in any way ; rather , I chose them based on how I feel when I listen to them . Oh ! I keep forgetting to write an update on Chandler 's weight loss . He 's down to 23 pounds now , which means he 's lost 2 pounds in 2 months . That 's pretty good for a cat ! Jerry and I have noticed a HUGE difference in his energy level . He 's very playful now . When we get out " the bird " toy , and fly it around , he actually leaps in the air for it . Before , I couldn 't even get him to open his eyes , let alone play . When Purina ONE gave me a month 's worth of cat food , I assumed I 'd just use it and then switch back to a cheaper food ; but when we ran out , I asked Jerry what he thinks , and he said we should keep buying the Purina ONE Healthy Metabolism stuff . Even though it 's more expensive , it lasts longer , because I 've been feeding them on a schedule ( which is a total pain in the ass , by the way , but the only way I can get Chandler not to eat more than he should ) . Also , the cats are doing so great on it that I 'd hate to make any changes . I feed the cats at 6 : 30 in the morning , and again at 4 : 30 pm . I mix a little wet food with some dry food , and they each get their own plate . Chandler wolfs his down , and then watches for the other cats to be done . If I don 't watch him carefully , he 'll finish off their food in mere seconds , so I have to watch them eat . I do leave dry food out all day in the puzzle feeders - - Phoebe , Estelle , and Paolo eat from them , but Chandler refuses to work for his food , hahaha . At first , Paolo wouldn 't use it either . He would see me get a scoop of food and pour it in the top , then look at me like I was pure evil when he realized he couldn 't eat it out of the top where I poured the food in . He figured it out , though ; ) Like I said yesterday , I expected a bad weigh - in today . I went over my PointsPlus by 165 for the week , so I knew it wasn 't going to be pretty . I thought that the worst it could be was 137 , because last week I was 134 . In reality , it was actually higher than that . . . At 137 . 5 , that 's a 3 . 5 pound gain for the week . I 'm not liking this upward trend ! I definitely feel ready to get back on track though . I really would like to start and end the summer at ( or below ) my goal weight of 133 . Summer officially begins on June 21st , so I 'm going to stick to my plan to get back to it . I am shooting for 100 Activity PointsPlus this week , which is going to be very tough ! That 's over 14 PP per day . But I 'm really hoping that it keeps me active and busy , so I don 't think so much about eating . I 'm also doing my best to get in all the Good Health Guidelines for Weight Watchers this week . Today , I checked them all off , even my healthy oils . ( I actually love to drizzle oil over popcorn for a snack , sprinkled with lots of salt ) . Today is normally a rest day , but I took Monday and Tuesday off after the half - marathon on Sunday , so I decided to run today . It was raining this morning , with a good chance of thunderstorms , so I ran on the treadmill . This is the first time I 've run on it since finishing Sons of Anarchy , and I 've been dreading it because I wasn 't sure what new show to watch . I 'd added quite a few shows to my Netflix queue , so I chose one that looked interesting - - " Flashpoint " . The description on Netflix says : " Sgt . Gregory Parker and his Strategic Response Unit tackle high - risk cases too tough for normal cops , including bomb scares and hostage situations . " I like crime / drama shows , so I gave it a try this morning . It was really good ! It 's exactly what I was looking for - - dramatic with lots of action and suspense to keep me interested when I really want to do anything other than run on the treadmill . There are four seasons , so it should keep me busy for a while . I ran five miles today ( heart rate in Zone 3 ) , and then walked 2 . 2 miles ( which got me through two episodes of the show ) . When I was done , I saw that I had already earned 8 PointsPlus . ( I stopped my Garmin after the run , because I don 't log the walking ) . Once I plugged in my ActiveLink to the computer , a new message popped up , congratulating me for finishing the 12 - week challenge . I earned 785 Activity PointsPlus during the 12 - week challenge . That 's an average of 65 per week , or 9 per day . That 's actually much more than I thought it would be . Now I 've changed it to a goal of 12 per day ( the highest it would let me ) , just for this week . Next week , I 'll probably drop it back down to 9 or 10 per day . I used an Amazon gift card to buy the Nike + Kinect Training game today . I 've heard good things about it , and I really liked doing the Wii Active 30 - Day Challenge last year . I 'm going to try and do something similar this summer , and figured I 'd check out the Nike + game . Today was a great day - - let 's hope I can repeat it tomorrow ! Posted by Yesterday morning , Jeanie and Shawn took me to the bus station at 10 : 40 , where I took the 11 : 00 bus to O ' Hare . The bus took forever , and I was getting worried that I would miss my plane . My flight was at 2 : 00 , and I finally got into the airport at 12 : 50 . I had to pee really badly , but the security line was really long , and I wasn 't sure if I 'd have time to spare , so I suffered through the line . Finally , I was through security and I headed to my gate . I had a couple of minutes to spare , so I was able to stop in the bathroom . Then , on impulse , I bought a bag of Twizzlers for the plane . Stupid ! Those things are 1 PointsPlus each , and I can eat it in about 3 bites . Coupled with my nerves about flying , that 20 - PointsPlus bag didn 't stand a chance . I was really nervous about the fact that I was stuck in a middle seat . I 've always sat by the window , because I 'm such a nervous flier , and it makes me more comfortable to be able to see the ground . I 'd been checking the seating chart ever since I got my ticket to try and get a window seat , but the only seats available were middle seats . It was a really bumpy take - off , and I felt really claustrophobic and panicky for about 10 minutes , because I couldn 't see very well out the window , and I felt cramped between two other people . Thankfully , the flight from Chicago to Detroit is only 42 minutes ( from take - off to touch - down ) . Pretty much as soon as we reached altitude , we were descending . Because we lost an hour coming home ( time zone change ) , it was 4 : 20 when we finally arrived at the gate . If I had driven home , I would have been about 20 minutes from home . Instead , Jerry was going to pick me up after he got off work at 6 : 00 , so I had a couple of hours to kill at the airport . I spent a lot of time walking around , but after walking past all these food places , I wanted to eat . I wasn 't hungry at all , but I ended up eating at Burger King - - my first time eating there since August 2009 ! It wasn 't even good , so I have no desire to ever eat it again . I worked on my blog post until Jerry picked me up , and then we went to the boys ' baseball practice ( my parents had taken them ) . I finally got home at 7 : 30 last night , and I was exhausted ! I had a couple of glasses of wine and watched TV with Jerry for a little while before bed . The weekend was SO fun , and I 'm really , really glad that I went . It was awesome to be able to run with Jeanie , and then celebrate with Shawn , Jeanie , and Jen afterward . I don 't regret the food choices I made while I was at Jeanie 's , but I do wish I had given it more thought beforehand , and maybe planned it out ahead of time . The margarita I had with lunch ? It was 43 PP ! ! To put that in perspective , I only earned 26 PP on during the half - marathon . ( Although I have to say , it honestly was worth 43 PP . . . it was REALLY good ! ) When I ordered it , I had no idea it would be that big . The scale was WAY up this morning , and ( once again ) I 'm really not looking forward to my " official " weigh - in tomorrow , but I know that the gain is legit . I went over my PointsPlus by about 165 this week . No , that 's not a typo . I had a terrible week as far as food choices , but like I said , I don 't regret it ( well , I do regret the Twizzlers and the Burger King , but not the stuff I ate at Jeanie 's ) . Mentally , I 'm just going to wipe the slate clean and start completely fresh tomorrow . I 'll still be in " weight loss " mode on Weight Watchers , because I 'm sure my weight is going to be over goal ( unless a miracle happens overnight ) . I don 't want this to sound like a negative post - - I 'm really happy that I went , I loved the Mexican food and drinks , and the Butter Pecan Blondie for dinner on Sunday . My weight is going to be up , but I can 't complain about that , because I knew that when I ordered the food . I just have to reel it in now ! I think rather than focusing so much on getting my food back on track , I 'm going to try and make this a 100 Activity PointsPlus week . The most I 've ever earned in a week is 75 , but I think that if I really focus on it , I could get 100 . The point of that is not so I can eat more , but so that I keep myself really busy . If I 'm constantly trying to earn PointsPlus , I won 't be thinking about eating all day . I 'm also going to make a conscious effort to get in all of my Good Health Guidelines ( 5 + fruits / veggies , 2 tsp . healthy oils , 2 servings dairy . . . ) . I 'm terrible with getting those in , especially the healthy oils and the dairy . I think by focusing on that , and the activity , I should be back on track without feeling too stressed about it . Shawn 's friend came over to pick up Shawn to go to breakfast . While Jeanie went to get Shawn , I chatted with him for a minute . Making small talk , he said , " Oh , I met your other sister a few years ago . " I must have looked confused ( I don 't have another sister , just Jeanie ) , because he started to explain , " She came out here to go camping ; she brought her kids , and you all went camping for a couple of nights . . . " Then it hit me . He was talking about ME , when I was still 253 pounds , and he just didn 't recognize me now that I 've lost the weight ! Hahaha , I think I embarrassed him when I told him it was me , but that totally made my day : ) I 'm working on this while I 'm waiting for Jerry to pick me up from the airport , so I 'm going to get right to the good stuff ! I hope you all had a great week , and even if it wasn 't so great , maybe you will find some motivation from today 's stories . . . Amber just ran her second 5K race , and she says she was the last runner to finish , followed only by a couple of walkers . She said a lot of people were trying to console her by saying , " Hey , at least you finished ! " but Amber says she just smiled and said she is very PROUD of her time . She says , " Three months ago , I would have been dead last , and four months ago , I would have been on my sofa ! " She followed her training schedule and felt great through the race . When I read Colleen 's e - mail , I really couldn 't summarize it without cutting out a bunch of important stuff . So I 'm just going to copy and paste what she wrote about this picture . It 's a GREAT story , and the picture is awesome ! " I 've been dying to send you this email . Today , I ran my first 1 / 2 marathon and killed my goal of sub 2 hours . Some background - when I lived in Chicago , I ran a lot . I ran the 2006 full marathon and various other Chicagoland area stapes ( Shamrock Shuffle , etc . ) . When I moved to Denver , the elevation change was tough on my running . I 've always struggled with getting my breath under control and I never felt like I could check out and just run because I was always gasping for air . Cut to living on the front range for five years and slowly building my endurance back up . When I started to get back into running last September , I found your blog and started to mimic your interval training and some of your work outs . It was really encouraging to see myself get faster and stronger . I ran the Running of the Green ( 7k ) in March and attempted to maintain a 8 : 30 pace . Turns out , I ran it with an average 8 : 17 . I was still afraid to take the plunge and sign up for a longer race until my work challenged us to do so . My boss , Vince DiCroce , is an avid marathoner / triathlete . He was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer 8 years ago , and made the choice to not only survive , but be better than before . He ran over 30 marathons and PR 'd most of them . He also competed in Iron Mans . He 's a super hero . Recently , the tumor came back and was more aggressive . We decided to Run with Vince to push ourselves to go beyond what we think we 're capable . ( http : / / www . 9news . com / rss / story . aspx ? storyid = 332359 and http : / / www . denverpost . com / running / ci _ 23235866 / colfax - marathon - just - another - way - vince - dicroces - life ) He signed up for the half , but ended up running the full today because his last chemo treatment wasn 't that aggressive ( ! ! ! ) . He finished in 3 : 57 . 40 . I know . Superman . " Anyway , I knew I could run 10 miles . I knew it wouldn 't be that big of a challenge , so I sucked it up , and before I could change my mind , swiped my credit card for the 1 / 2 with a goal of sub 2 hours . I continued to do speed interval work and added in long runs all while reading your blog . Today , I crossed the finish line in 1 : 51 : 30 . I 've attached some pictures of my elated ass because I just couldn 't believe that someone like me could be " fast . " Thanks for writing and continuing to motivate your readers . I know some days it is hard to open up and be honest , but I appreciate it so much , and I know others do to . Congrats on your race today and for helping out your sis ! I 'm sure she has her own MM post to write . You go girl ( s ) ! " Felicia has a shiny new 5K PR of 30 : 31 , which also earned her third place in her age group ! Over the past year and a half , she 's lost a whopping 82 pounds , and has run at least one race each month since October . Jen and her 15 - year old son just completed their first 5K ! She has been training 3 - 4 days per week , and has a goal of running the whole distance soon . She finished about two minutes faster than her " practice " times ! She 's also down 20 pounds since January - - she decided that slow and steady was the way to go , and she 's seeing great results : ) Julie 's daughter ( shown in the pic ) just ran 6 . 5 miles in her school 's jogathon . . . and she 's not even nine years old ! The kids have to be in third grade to participate , and she was very excited that she was old enough to do it this year . The jogathon lasts 90 minutes , and she insisted on running the whole time ! ( I love that proud smile on her face ! ) Katie surprised herself when she ran a 5K in 26 : 01 ! She 's used to running 9 : 30 - 10 : 00 / mi pace , but she gave it all she had and got a shiny new PR . She 's also lost 35 pounds since January , and she credits that partly to teaching Jazzercise . Here is a comparison pic from November and from last weekend . After completing the Couch to 5K program , Kylie just ran her first 5K ! Her boyfriend raced with her , and her parents cheered her on , despite the rain . Her goal was to run the whole distance , and she did even better than she expected , finishing in 33 : 48 ! Lesleigh just ran her second 5K , taking a full 10 minutes off of her first from August ! She 's come a long way on her journey , losing 55 pounds and lots of inches . She said her husband was folding laundry , and said , " How did one of the boys ' skinny jeans get mixed up in our wash ? " She looked at them and realized they were HER jeans he was talking about . ; ) Jen ran her third 5K , and finished with a 2 - minute PR ! Her kids , Ryan and Liam , each ran the 1K after being inspired by their mama to run . Ryan got her face painted at the after party : ) Are you sitting down ? Get comfy , because this is a doozy of a post . And actually , this post is terrifying for me to write . I have bee . . . I have decided to take an indefinite break from running . I had gotten tired of always feeling like it was a chore - - I lost my passion for it . I hope to get it back someday ; but if I don 't , that 's okay , too . I enjoy living an active lifestyle , and running doesn 't have to be a part of that if I don 't have the passion for it . Runs for cookies does not share personal information with third - parties nor do we store information we collect about your visit to this blog for use other than to analyze content performance through the use of cookies , which you can turn off at anytime by modifying your Internet browser 's settings . We are not responsible for the republishing of the content found on this blog on other Web sites or media without our permission . This privacy policy is subject to change without notice . |
I strive to be like Samuel . I stand ready and long to hear God 's call . God has placed on my heart the call of adoption , I hear the orphan 's cry . Through many prayers and discussions with my husband , we believe now is the time . Here is the story . I 'm sure that many aspects of our lives such as homeschooling , food and nutrition , and family life will trickle in . I pray that through this blog and our lives that you will see God 's glory and hear Him call you . For the past several years , I had gotten into the ritual of spending the entire month of November posting on Facebook what I was thankful for . This year , I didn 't . I wasn 't entirely in the loop when October gave way to November and I just found it difficult to get started . However , I have a whole lot to be thankful for this year . Not really only this year , but it seems that I 'm realizing it more this year than other years . So here 's a short list of what I 'm thankful for . 10 . I 'm thankful for our material blessings . I know it sounds shallow but without this house , we wouldn 't have been able to bring three more kids home . Without my van , we wouldn 't have been able to travel in one car together as a family . And then there 's food . I love food and I 'm thankful that we are able to buy what we need when we need it . . . and for the most part what we want , too . 9 . I 'm incredibly thankful for our church family , work friends , and homeschooling friends who are helping to carry us along in this rough transitional time . They have prayed for us , given us money , encouraged us , brought us food , and have really lightened our load . We have truly been able to concentrate on our new family because of them and there is no doubt that the prayers have gotten us through the tough days . 8 . I 'm thankful for my baby boy John and that he 's allowing my to have one more mamma 's boy . I 'm thankful for one more go round with baby talk and sippy cups . I love his cute little smile and the dimple right in the middle of his cheek . I love it when he calls me Mami and clutches onto my leg when he doesn 't want Daddy to take him to bed . I love when he wraps his arms around my neck like I 've always been his mommy . 7 . I 'm thankful for my quiet , shy , baby girl , Yuli . When she cuddles with you , she just sinks right into your arms and your heart . When she is happy , she is really , really happy and she 'll share it with anyone . She loves hugs and cuddling . She 's cute as a button and has the best smile ever . She 's brave even in the face of doing something she doesn 't want to do ( ie . come to the US ) . 6 . I 'm thankful for my loud rambunctious girl , Diana . She has a huge personality and lives life to the fullest . She really loves her new family and is not at all shy about saying so . Well , she 's just not at all shy . She is so very patient with me and my Spanish . She is willing to help out when a job needs to get done and she is so very full of life . She 's a fast learner and loves playing with her big brothers . 5 . I 'm thankful for my bright , loud , energizer night owl , Cody . He is so smart it scares me sometimes . He is very good with his little brother and is an excellent translator when it comes to Spanish . I love to hear him singing ( which he does all the time ) and he is a fantastic cuddler . He remembers everything he 's ever read , seen on tv , or heard someone tell him . 4 . I 'm thankful for my quiet soul son , Rylan . He is an amazing gymnast and overall athlete . He can be counted on when something needs to get done . He is an amazing cook but he chops wood , too . He is my mini - me and is the first one to know when someone is upset . He gives the best hugs and when I wrestle with him , it has to be only him because he is about to overtake the strength I have left in this old body . 3 . I 'm thankful for my dear , sweet , grown up little man , Connor . He sometimes behaves more like a mature adult than I do . He keeps me together when I can 't find my keys or sunglasses or almost forget my water . He herds the little ones when we 're going out the door and keeps them busy when I need to get something done . He has a very generous heart and always thinks of others first . 2 . I 'm thankful for the godly man that is walking this life beside me . I am so very blessed to have him . He is nothing short of amazing and I have no idea what I would do without him . Sometimes I think that God crafted him especially for me . . . because I 'm not sure the average man could handle my mess . 1 . I 'm most thankful for the sacrifice that Jesus made . He gave up everything that was pure and holy and perfect to come down to this filthy , awful place filled with pain and suffering to die an excruciating death . . . for what ? For . Me . Wow . Every day should be a day of thanksgiving for that . Here it is . We 've been home for one week . All in all , things have been going ok . Ken went back to work on Tuesday . He had been planning on taking one more week off to help us get settled in . I told him that I would actually prefer he go in for short days to get me used to it before he goes back to full days . He 's such a good man . I don 't know if he actually wanted to go to work or not but he did . I 'm sure it 's much quieter there . He would stay home in the morning long enough for me to get showered and get the kids together and be ready for the day ( it takes longer than you might think ) . Then he would go in and most days be home by 6 : 30 or so . It worked out well . Connor is as awesome and mature as ever . He sees what needs to be done and does it . He helps out with the little ones as much as he can . I don 't think he 'd admit it if you asked him but he seems to really like having a two year old to take care of . He 's really great with them and obviously got his patience from his father , definitely didn 't get that from me . He started back to guitar on Monday and it 's good for him to be playing Christmas music . Rylan went back to gymnastics on Tuesday , also good for him . He needs a break to be with friends and enjoy time away from the craziness . He started having breathing problems that night so we broke out the nebulizer . It 's been quite a while since he 's needed it . At first we thought it was that he had lost his tolerance for chalk dust . Then we thought he 'd picked up the cough that Ken , John , and I had all been through . After three days of needing the nebulizer and it not helping much , Ken took him to the doctor Friday . He 's got bronchitis . Yay . Why him ? He 's got a meet in two weeks . I know one thing for sure , he won 't let it slow him down and he won 't miss competition season . I just pray that he can get over it and have a good season . Cody is . . . well . . . Cody is . . . Cody . Is there any other way to describe him ? He waffles between being mature and helpful to behaving like a three year old . I don 't guess that 's any different than it was before . He has been fabulous in the roll of seat belt police officer . Yuli hates her car seat . I have had to forcefully insert her into it more times than not . Luckily , her petite little fingers aren 't strong enough to actually open the latch but she 's trying . Cody is excellent at waffling between orders of ' No toca ' ( don 't touch ) and entertainment by teaching her to count in English . She skips numbers when she counts in Spanish so we 've given up on correcting that and are going straight for the English . He likes to teach and help them . Anyway he is very good at being silly and engaging the little ones to buy us some more time . Diana is adjusting well . She like us . She likes being here . She still doesn 't like being told what to do and I think at times she views things as being unfair . I hate that she sees it that way and at times I am without the words in Spanish to explain it to her . However , for the most part , she 's a whole lot of fun . She has an energy that just doesn 't quit and it seems that all the kids enjoy playing with her at different times . She seems to be coping well to the transitions . She did try to test Ken earlier this week to see if he would be consistent . She actually seemed surprised when he was . All in all , she is adjusting much easier than we expected . Yuli is not . She is still having a difficult time . I dont ' know what to do for the poor baby . She goes from one extreme to the next . She 's either fighting mad and screaming , deliriously happy and giggling / squealing like a crazy person , or catatonic . She is never anything in between and switches from one to the other like she has a light switch . I 'm praying that with time she will realize that we are it and she will be ok with that . I hope that you all will continue to keep her in your prayers as she is really , really hurting . Also , the mood swings are really , really exhausting for Ken and I . We ( Yuli included ) have a moment of peace yesterday . She found the storybook reader and thoroughly enjoyed listening to it read " The Lion King " to her . It was in English . I won 't be at all surprised if she is the first one to fully embrace English . John is also adjusting well . He likes me now . He likes me a lot . It was easier when he liked Ken and Yuli liked me . Now , frequently , I have one kid in each arm . Luckily , they are only five lbs different so I 'm not unbalanced ( at least when it comes to my muscle strength , I can 't say much for my mental state here ) . He has settled into life here and is a typical two year old into everything . He is mostly happy and is good to have around but we are currently in a power struggle . He likes to throw food and dump drinks on the floor . Now he has a sippy cup . He doesn 't like it . I do . When he throws it , I don 't have to clean up milk . I think he 's smart so he will learn fast that if he wants a drink , he needs to get it from the sippy cup because he ain 't getting it from anywhere else . As a matter of interest , if you have been reading their names in your head , you probably have been pronouncing them incorrectly and when you are introduced , you will be surprised . Well , ok . John is John . Yuli is pronounced Julie . We will probably have her name changed legally to Juli to save her the headache of explaining it as she gets older . I actually really like her name pronouced as it 's spelled . I 've heard her pronounce it that way several times . I frequently ask her which she likes better . When I ask , she tells me , ' Juli ' . . . The other day after I asked her , she looked at me and asked , " Which do you like better - Mami or Mami ? " Diana is pronounced like Deaunna or go with the guys ' name Dion and add an ' uh ' at the end . We aren 't quite sure how to explain that to Diana . I 've tried many times but my Spanish is lacking . She 's old enough to have the choice as to whether or not to change the spelling so that people will pronounce it correctly or keep the spelling and have to correct people that say it like , well Diana . Anyway , that 's all for today . Tomorrow I have to figure out Thanksgiving . I was so thankful this morning that John slept in until 8 : 00 . I changed his pants , brought him downstairs to get him started on breakfast , and enjoyed the quiet morning that I 'm not used to . All they other kids were still sleeping . The peace didn 't last long . Yuli was in a bad way when she woke up and was sitting on the bed by 9 : 00 . It only got worse from there . She would not listen to a word I said and was looking for a fight at every turn . By the time lunch rolled around , I was . . . done . There 's no other way to describe it . I was just done . She pushed my buttons one more time and it was up the stairs we went . Thankfully , I had already fixed John 's lunch and he was sitting in the high chair eating . Also thankfully , I had already sliced the bread for the sandwiches for the other kids . I left John in Connor 's very capable hands ( he 's awesome ) and the big kids fixed their own sandwiches while I dealt with her . I hate this . I hate every moment that I fight with her . I remember another adoptive friend telling me to remember that we are not fighting with our children , we are fighting satan for our children . It 's very hard to remember that when it 's their little defiant faces curled into a scowl right in front of you . I admit . . . by this point , I was angry . Very . Angry . I couldn 't even stand to be in the room with her . In the back of my mind , I know I can 't leave her although that 's very much what I wanted to do . When she finally conceded to sit on her bed without restraint , I walk out into the hallway ( where she can still see me ) because I need that space . I can deal with it if I can be in a separate ' room ' than her . I drop to my knees and pray because it 's the only thing I can do right now . This sucks . It sucks that my baby girl is so messed up that she can bring out the worst in me . It sucks that I allow it to happen . It sucks that I love her so much but at times I can 't even be in the same room . I find myself praying the same thing over and over . " God , you gave me this job , give me what I need to get it done . " By the time her 10 minutes were up ( she starts with much less time but when she fights with me , time gets added ) , I had not an ounce of anger left , thank you God . It was all sorrow . I hate what 's happened to her . She 's four years old . She shouldn 't have to deal with this . She shouldn 't feel this way . I went and sat on her bed , every bit as sad as she was in that moment . I told her that I love her . She says , " No . " I told her that I love her . I told her that I am her mommy . I am your mommy forever . Papi is your Papi forever . We love you . This is your family . You have four brothers and one sister . They all love you . This is your house . This is your room . This is your bed . I 'm sad that you don 't like it . I 'm sad that you don 't like us . I know that this isn 't what you wanted but that doesn 't change what it is . This is your family . This is your house . I am your mommy . For . Ever . I don 't like fighting with you . I like to cuddle and hug and play with you . It 's difficult to do those things when you 're fighting with me . It 's ok to not like us but that if you will listen to me that things will go much better for you . Things were just as bad a few more times . While John was sleeping she and Diana went outside to play . When she came back in , she was ok . This evening when we went to church , she allowed me to put her into her car seat and didn 't fight me . This is a HUGE step . After I buckled up I thanked her for not fighting me . I asked if she likes it better when we don 't fight and she said yes . When we got to church and I went to unbuckle her ( she cannot do it herself , thank you again , God ) , she told me , " I didn 't touch [ the seatbelt ] , I didn 't shout , I didn 't fight . " I said , " Yes , I know . Thank you . This is much better . " The same thing happened when we left church . When we got home , she was asleep . I don 't know , but I 'm hopeful that maybe , just maybe , we may have turned a corner . I did have two very good things with Diana today . When I got on FB to post about bike helmets there was a KidSave post up . Diana is always asking about the pictures on my computer and this was no different . I told her about the KidSave program and hosting and kids from Colombia looking for their families . She seemed really interested . We talked about it for a while and then I told her that when she and Yuli are older , I 'd like to have some of them come and stay with us and we can help them look for their new families . She choked . She looked horrified and asked , " Me ? " Oh no ! " No ! No ! You are mine . You are mine forever . Other kids ! Other kids that need mami 's and papi 's . " She understood but in that instant I saw a very clear image of just how much she likes us and how much I messed up not making it clear that it was other kids that are looking for families . Since Yuli was asleep when we got home I was able to climb into bed with Diana . . . it 's the top bunk , I hope it holds . We laid and the dark and talked for several minutes . I told her how much I love her . I told her that I 'm very happy she 's my daughter . She said , " Yuli . " I said that I love Yuli and I 'm happy Yuli is my daughter but that I 'm very happy that she is my daughter . She said , " No . " I said yes and she let it drop . I have read about it , I know it happens . But it still breaks my heart that it will take so long and take a million ' I love you 's before she actually believes it . I 'm going to try and get that million in as fast as I can . Well , if you couldn 't tell by the silence on the blog . We are home now . When we were in Colombia in a hotel room , once we got the kids to bed , there was nothing we could do for fear of waking them . Here , there 's a lot to be done and I can only get it done while the kids are in bed . Since I need to sleep as well , the blog has suffered . I have been informed that my friends are going through withdrawal . So here 's your post . Things are hard , but good . I forgot what it was like to have a two year old . He loves closing everything and pushing buttons . He 's sharp as a tack and has already learned how to turn off the lock out feature on the ice / water dispensers on the fridge . Diana loves it here and is so very happy . She loves her room , she loves having the top bunk , she loves the hand me down bike ( thank you Marsha ) , and she loves , loves , loves playing with her brothers . It makes me really happy to see how very happy she is . She has had some moments where she acts like your typical 7 year old who didn 't get her way but definitely not like those first few weeks . Speaking of the first few weeks . . . back then I thought Yuli was going to be the fastest to adjust . I was wrong . In hindsight , I realize she wasn 't cuddling with me , she was retreating inside herself , going almost catatonic . . . she just happened to be on my lap . She 's started that again but instead of me , she 's on my mom 's lap . Now that I can see it on someone else , I wonder how I could have missed it before . She needs prayers . She is not healing well . I realize that this is just another transition for her . I realize I need to give her more time . I 'm worried about her . Please pray for her . Please pray for me . She 's really testing us . Ken went back to work today and so it 's mostly testing me . I start every day with a prayer . I pray for all the kids ' healing . I pray for the strength and wisdom to be what they need . Only by the grace of God ( cause it ain 't me ) , I am able to stay calm while she 's doing what she 's doing . . almost all day . Almost . At the end of the day when it 's time to put the girls to bed , the absolute last thing I want to do is lay down with her . I know , it sounds awful . I feel awful when I say it . I 'm trying to be real here . By the time it 's time for her to go to sleep , I 've already been done with her for about an hour and all I want to do is leave . But I can 't . She 's afraid of closed doors . She 's afraid of the dark . She 's afraid of cats . She 's afraid of being alone . SWe ventured into the WalMart today while Rylan was at gymnastics . We needed several things in we just had to go . You could say it was over stimulation , but it wasn 't . It was just her doing what she does and not liking the consequences . She ended up throwing a full blown fit . I was calm . I was collected , I was firm . I kept repeating , " When you are ready to listen to me , tell me and I 'll let go . " She answers with a well placed kick or a ear piercing shriek . When we were waiting to pay , an older gentleman from the next register over was watching . He kind of smiled a little and leaned over to his wife and said , " She 's really not happy . " He noticed that I was speaking Spanish to her and English to the other two and we started talking ( loudly to be heard over the screaming ) . I explained that we had just gotten home from adopting them and she was having a really difficult time with it . He smiled and said he was very impressed with how I was handling it . He said that most moms would be beating their kids senseless by now . I smiled back and said , " There have been many times that I have been really grateful that the agency made us sign a paper saying we wouldn 't spank the kids . " Then I got serious and said , " It 's only by the grace of God that I have patience . " It 's true . My knee jerk reaction has always been to fight fire with fire . I was always ready for a fight and met people head on . Calm isn 't me . I truly believe that this is a peace that comes only from God . He has given me what I need for this job he gave me . It 's not easy . But I know that it 's a job that needs doing and He will be with me along the way . No matter how much I love her and how much my heart aches for her , He loves her more and He aches for her more . Ken and I can do this , because we are not alone . On a side note - I was really proud of Connor , Cody and Diana for stepping up in the WalMart . They helped with the cart , with John , loaded everything onto the belt and then back into the cart . I 'm really proud of them . It was really great . We were successful today in all our adventures . We are leaving tomorrow to go home . As such , the kids ( the new ones ) are subconsciously reacting to the impending transition . Diana is so very excited to be going to the US but I think deep down she is very stressed . Her behavior today was so much like that first week . Yuli has finally agreed to get on the plane but she still doesn 't want to go to the US or to her new house . She as well had a difficult time making good choices today . I think Helena ( our interpreter here in BogotΓ‘ ) was quite astonished by her behavior today . Me , not so much . She 's having a difficult time . Helena asked me if she was going to need counseling . I said that I didn 't know but that I wanted to give her time to adjust at home before we make that decision . I think she 'll be ok but we 'll do whatever is necessary to help her cope with what she 's been through . John is so comfortable with us now , he 'll be fine . As for Connor , Rylan , and Cody . . . they are so very happy to be going home . I think that bringing them here was hands down the absolute right choice . They have handled all the ups and downs like champions . I am so very proud of them . I was tickled to see Connor grinning from ear to ear tonight nonstop . He 's ready . So am I . Papa John 's for dinner . . . I can 't wait for some real pizza ! We have three things that need to happen tomorrow . We need to get the paperwork from the Doctor 's office saying that everything is ok and has been taken care of . All three passed the TB test with flying colors . It just about killed me to have to give them the chicken pox vaccine . I didn 't want any of my kids to have that one but I didn 't really have a choice . I 'd like to come back to the US . Yuli also needed a second vaccine . That did not go well . It took me and two nurses to hold her still while she got them . It really kind of stinks . She thinks I 've betrayed her . After we get the report from the doctor , we need to get the conformity paper from ICBF . I 'm not sure what that is but I know we need it . We have to be at the US Consulate at 1 : 30 to attempt to get the visas . From the sounds of it , the Consulate works very hard to get them done very quickly but sometimes the computer network ( Colombian ) that they have to be on to get it done doesn 't work . So , there it is . It all comes down to whether or not the network is up and running tomorrow afternoon . If it is , we come home Saturday . If not , we have to wait till Monday to get the visas and fly home on Tuesday . However , we ventured out to MultiParque today . Now the kids are hollering to wait until next week to go home because they want to go back it was so awesome . It 's kind of like a citified version of Cox farms . They have some really awesome stuff there . The park section has all this equipment that you work yourself , none of it goes on electricity . It was a whole lot of fun even though we didn 't have much time there . They also have bumper boats and three different go kart courses , paintball , trampolines , mini - golf , and some amusement park rides . I highly recommend it if you find yourself in BogotΓ‘ and need something to do with the kids . The park is the only part that 's open during the week ( and the lunch counter ) but the rest is open on the weekends . Anyway , tomorrow we 'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store ! One more dawn , one more day , one day more ! I 'm really sorry . . . it 's stuck in my head . Now it 's stuck in yours . Whilst you sing , enjoy some pictures . Many thanks to my fabulous husband who took the camera for the day so I could play and actually be in some of the pictures . They had these swings with really long ropes . Some were seats that you buckled into and some had cages like this one . They were really fun . The frame that held them was taller than most of the trees . I feel like the typical kid in the back seat of the station wagon ( oooohhh , I 'm dating myself ) on a roadtrip . " Are we there yet ? " I 'm ready to be home and we are one step closer to getting there . I went and picked up the kids passports today . So far , no reaction whatsoever on the TB tests . We go to the doctor tomorrow for the official reading and we have an appointment for Visas on Friday at 1 : 30 because they don 't do those in the morning . So close . On a good note , when I returned from the passport office , I was greeted by a , " MA ! " from the stairs . It was Diana . She was so happy to see me back she ran down and jumped into my arms . I carried her to the bottom of the stairs to the tune of crying . I got there and looked up and both Yuli and John were standing at the top , held back by only a baby gate , crying for me to get there faster . It felt good to be so wanted . We went to the park this afternoon and ran off some steam . Kids had another cut throat game of soccer . They like playing with the other Colombian children because they are really good . Baby girl took on a wooden swing and the swing won . Yes , that is a band - aid between her eyes . She wouldn 't stop touching it and I was afraid it would get infected . Other than that , we are just passing the time , waiting to get home . I would like to see more of BogotΓ‘ , I really would . However , I have reached a certain state of doneness that I can 't quite describe . I can compare it to going past your due date when you are expecting a baby . I know about that . . . my first three kids were 12 , 11 , and 10 days late respectively . When my sister - in - law ( love you Claira ! ) would talk about being done with here pregnancies at about 32 weeks ( as far as I know , none of hers were late and most of them were early ) I would think , " Honey , you don 't know what done feels like until you are a week past your due date . " Yeah . That 's where I am now . Done . I wanna go home and we have so much to do before we can . I 'm thinking about how to make it through each day , not about sightseeing . Anyway , the day started with Helena picking up Ken and Diana this morning to go get her ID card . She 's 7 and in Colombia , at that age , you have to have an ID card . They waited a really , really long time just to be seen . When they were seen , they were told that she was already in the system and had a card . They would have to pay a fee to change the info on the card . They have to go to the bank to pay the fee and bring the receipt back . They have to wait again . By the time they returned , the rest of us had eaten lunch and I had just gotten John down for a nap . Helena ate with Ken and Diana while we talked and worked out a game plan . It was decided ( partly because Ken wasn 't feeling great and partly because John seems to prefer me now - yay ! ) that I would be a better choice for the afternoon errands . As soon as Diana was finished eating , all three new kids ( had to wake John - practically against my religion ) , Helena and I set out for the passport office . We squeaked in about 10 minutes before they locked the doors . We didn 't have to wait long for help but doing the application wasn 't fast and Yuli and John were done before we got there . Diana was fantastic all day . She was just really patient and well behaved . After we left the passport office , we headed over to the medical building for the kids ' TB tests and Dr . 's appointments . This was not fun . Diana complains a lot about doing stuff , but I think the complaining is mostly for attention . When it 's time , she puts her big girl panties on does what needs to be done . I was counting on that when I made her go first for the test . In the US ( at least the last time I had it done ) , they just poked you with something that looks like a thumbtack . That 's what I had told the kids it would be . I was wrong . It was a subcutaneous injection that bubbles up the skin like an allergy test . Oops . Diana did great but it was lost on Yuli . From the instant I wheeled the stroller in and she was face to face eye level with the three syringes laying on the table , it was over for her . Let 's put it this way . . . when Diana was done , the nurse looked at me and said , " Let 's do John next . " Yeah . It 's a good thing I 've had a lot of practice holding the girl down this past month . Even the nurse told me to wrap my legs around hers and hold her tight . It was bad . She 's no bigger than a minute but her eyes can pierce right through you . Today , they were telling me that I had betrayed her . I did not tell her that we have to go back Thursday and she needs two vaccines . . . I 'm just going to act surprised when we get there . By the time we saw the Doctor ( they are all healthy , by the way ) it was very late . We had missed dinner at the hotel but I had asked Ken to request they save food for us . As we started to drive home , we passed a restaurant and we all started talking about what might be for dinner and dessert . The girls were talking so fast about what they hoped it would be and then John started yelling , " Pan , pan , pan , pan ! " ( bread ) Helena listened for a few minutes and then whipped out her cell and called the hotel . She told them we were on our way and we 'd be home soon and the kids were all starving . They had it waiting for us when we got back . It was really nice . I , however , acted like a first time mom today , rather than the usually prepared experienced mom I am . I took no snacks or water . They were starving . And somehow in my packing for BogotΓ‘ carry on and then repacking my around town purse , I forgot to put the diapers and wipes back in . Fail . I had nothing and had to present my two year old to the doctor with a diaper so full it had seeped through his clothes . I don 't know what 's wrong with me , neither one of those are things that I forget . Lose my car keys , cell phone , or my sunglasses , yep . Forgetting snacks or being caught without diapers or wipes , never ever . I 'm just so thankful that he didn 't do a job . I don 't even want to think about that . The highlight of my day was sitting in the doctor 's office . I started chatting with an obviously American couple who were also there adopting three kiddos . Their kiddos were 14 , 13 , and 10 , if I remember correctly . As it turns out , they are from Bel Air , Maryland . I looked at her and asked , " You didn 't by any chance get your kids through KidSave , did you ? " " Yes , we did . " I proceeded to tell her how much we love KidSave and how we had tried to host several times but that it never worked out . I then told her about the two KidSave kids that we dropped everything for and drove to NYC to meet . I told her the whole story about how we decided to adopt them and then the host family decided they wanted to adopt as well . Of course , the host family got first preference and we were disappointed , but how could we be sad ? We had seen them together . They obviously belonged together as a family . She was asking about the kids and I told her more . She said , " They are staying in the same hotel as us . They left here about 10 minutes before you came in . " Wow . Seriously small world . They arrived in Colombia 5 days after we did and their sentencia was the day after ours . By the way , KidSave is an awesome organization . We loved them . . . it just didn 't work out for us . Maybe in the future . If you really , really want to help kids find a home but adoption isn 't right for you , click on the link above to check out KidSave . They are near and dear to my heart and they have really helped a whole lot of kids . We left Pasto early Sunday morning . It was a little like leaving family . Patrice doesn 't serve breakfast until 9am on Sundays but he got up early and the guys were ready to cook for us at 7 : 30am . We miss them all already . We were so very blessed that God led us there . I don 't know what we would have done or how we would have managed without Patrice and the guys . Amazingly , I have done pretty well with the morning business , both on the day we went to Las Lajas and Sunday as well . I think it 's because I 'm a little overwhelmed with the idea of getting out the door with six kids so I plan better and procrastinate less . I started packing on Friday night . We found out that there was a classical guitar series going on in Pasto last week . . . we found out because all the guitarists were staying in the hotel . Since that 's what Connor does we really wanted to go . It was a difficult decision and Ken and I waffled several times on to go , to not go , what to do . We typically do everything together as a family . We decided to split up and give the big four kids a choice as to whether or not they wanted to go . Two of them said yes , two said no . When those two found out that the contingent that stayed at the hotel would be going to bed , they decided to go . Anyway , Ken took them and I stayed with Yuli and John . I got them to bed and then started packing . This was Friday . I never pack this far in advance . By the time I went to bed , enough stuff was packed that we needed to keep the kids at the park all day to keep them from unpacking . It worked well . We had to take two taxi 's to the airport . I was dreading this trip . Since we didn 't book until Friday afternoon , we couldn 't get a direct flight . I was very stressed . I was afraid we 'd lose someone in the airport ( s ) , I was afraid one of them would twig on the plane , I was afraid our luggage would get lost , I was afraid that one of the girls would have a fit and security wouldn 't let us on the plane . Praise God , none of the above happened . It all went really well . All the kids did great . Everything went very smoothly . Again , praise God . When we got to our new hotel in BogotΓ‘ , we met another family from the States . They have a 6yo boy and are here adopting a 2yo girl who coincidentally has the same name as my daughter , Diana . I thought that they must think we 're crazy until we chatted and I found out that they have three more in high school at home . They are really great people and are here at the beginning of the process . They 're hoping to be home by Christmas so we 'll be praying for them as we make our way home . They showed us the way to a park that has some soccer fields . Once we got there , Keith ( the dad ) organized a soccer game and it got really intense . A couple of local boys joined them and they had a real game going . We went back with them again today , this time Joshua ( the son ) was sporting a Colombia team shirt too . It 's nice to be with people who speak English . As it turns out , Joshua is home schooled and that was nice too . It 's also nice to be with people who know . . . I mean know . . . what 's going on and how it all works . Unfortunately , the girls are having a difficult time with the transition . Diana is very excited about our family ( until she has to do something she doesn 't want to do ) but Yuli still says she 's not going to the US . It doesn 't seem to matter how they outwardly feel . Subconsciously , they feel the change coming . Something big is happening and they are reacting to it . It 's been rough since we got to BogotΓ‘ . They are having a really difficult time , again . Anyway , neither Jamie ( the mom ) nor Keith batted an eye yesterday when Yuli pitched a fit and Ken fireman carried her all the way home . At one point , I took her shoes off her because she was kicking him and I was sure it hurt with the shoes . Jamie asked if I wanted them in their stroller . She then proceeded to tell me that if any of her biological kids had done that , she would have taken them to the wall ( I can 't remember her words but that 's the idea ) . She said it 's different with these kids and you have to meet them where they are . As it turns out , they used to be foster parents so they have a lot of experience . Anyway , it was nice to know that we weren 't being judged , that they understand . We are looking forward to going home but that means another difficult transition for the girls . So tomorrow , we have ( among other things ) to take the kids for their TB test and Dr . 's appointments . We also have to apply for their passports . On Thursday we go back to the Dr . to have the ' results ' read from the TB test . They will probably have to have some immunizations at this point but we 're not sure what yet . If they are all negative for TB , we go to the Embassy Friday afternoon to get the Visas . Here 's hoping we 're on a plane Saturday morning . If the TB tests come back positive , we will have to have x - rays to confirm they don 't have TB . That will delay our return . Here 's praying we will be back with our church family for the next Lord 's day . I 've really missed worshipping with them . Since I hadn 't posted in way too long , this post is way too long . I 'll leave you with the highlight of my day . John has become more and more relaxed with me . This morning we were having our meeting with Helena and Ken got up to go get more paperwork from our room . John had been sitting with me but he jumped up to follow Ken . I asked him if he wanted to go with PapΓ or stay with Mami . He grabbed Ken 's pants . Ken scooped him up to go faster and he turned and reached for me and yelled , " Mami ! " That 's the first time he chose me and the first time he called me Mami . When it comes to adoption , like everything else , you have to roll with the punches . You have to find the blessings in the midst of chaos . . . and I mean chaos . That right there was God 's gift to me , letting me know that we are doing the right thing . We are the ones that need to raise these kids . He knew that today was going to be a bad day and he saved that gift for that moment . If you 've ever thought about adopting but were afraid of it being too difficult , too expensive , or just too much , realize this - God will give you what you need to get through all of that if you just trust Him . Ken is back with us and safe . Their travels did not go well , nor did the paperwork go smoothly . He did however accomplish the one thing he set out to do today : sign the sentencia . The kids are ours now . They are Yeatmans . It 's official . Unfortunately , they had to leave our lawyer in Tumaco to finish up the rest of the stuff . I 'm thankful that he is doing that for us and that Ken and Patrice were able to come home , but I have to wonder , " Why does every single step have to be so hard ? " On the other side of the mountain , the kids and I did pretty well . I had absolutely no problems with Diana today and John did great with me . Unfortunately , Yuli was very upset that she had to share me with John . She had an extremely difficult day . I 'm sad that she 's having such a hard time . When John took his nap , I held her on my lap for the entire 90 minutes . I don 't know if it helped or not . . . she didn 't do better the rest of the day but hopefully , it will add up . Tomorrow is the day ! In a mere 5 hours , Ken and Patrice leave for Tumaco . He will sign the sentencia and they will be ours . . . forever and ever , amen . Tumaco is not at the top of the ' must see ' list in Colombia , if you know what I mean . Patrice and our lawyer have assured us that the road is safe . They have done this trip many , many times with other adoptive parents . We trust their judgement . More importantly , we trust God . I don 't believe that God would call us all the way down her to adopt these kids just to allow their new Dad to be taken away from them . However , I will feel much better when he is back in Pasto with us . This will be my first day with all six kids by myself . It 's not going to be easy . I need an extra dose of patience , peace and fun to make it through the day . It 's always a difficult day when we are stuck in the hotel . I was planning on taking the kids to the park . . . I feel confident that I can do that . . . at least I did till this morning . The past two days have been very difficult for the girls , and therefore Ken and myself as well . Please pray that they are having positive feelings towards this adoption tomorrow and aren 't struggling so much . John has been doing so fabulous with me , I 'm really ok with that part of tomorrow . I just hope he doesn 't feel betrayed and revert once Ken returns . Please pray for Connor , Rylan , & Cody as well . They have done amazingly well this whole time . I don 't expect for them to be perfect all the time but tomorrow would be a bad day for them to slip up . In other news , our first week here was the last game of the regular season of fΓΊtbol ( soccer ) and Colombia made it into the finals for the World Cup . That day was crazy and everyone was selling Colombian shirts to support the team . We didn 't buy them then and have been unable to find them since . The kids really wanted one . At one point , Diana had told me that at her house in Tumaco , she has one . This makes me sad . I know full well , she 'll never see any of ' her stuff ' again . How some kids manage to survive and even thrive after all that they go through amazes me . Anyway , Patrice took us out today and helped us find them . Can I just say that Patrice is awesome . It was raining and he let us sit in the car while he drove around and went into all the little shops to talk about prices . Once he found one with reasonable prices and sizes for the kids , he found a parking space and took two of the kids by the hand and we all walked there . Once we had decided on what we wanted , he then talked the guy down on price for us . The kids actually got the shirt and a pair of shorts and Ken and I each got a shirt . It was about $ 75 USD , which I think is a pretty fantastic bargain . The current plan is to do the Tumaco thing tomorrow and head to BogotΓ‘ over the weekend . I just don 't think I can pack all our stuff while taking care of the kids to be ready to fly to BogotΓ‘ on Friday . Plus the kids really want to exchange the tickets they 've been saving at the arcade . As much as I 'm mentally ready to go , I don 't want to rush and be stressed . This is difficult enough without putting unrealistic goals in front of ourselves . However , the monkey wrench is that Monday is a Colombian holiday . We were told that we needed five business days in BogotΓ‘ . I really , really wanted to be home on Saturday of next week . So that 's the last prayer request . Please pray that all things in BogotΓ‘ move unusually fast and that we can get it done in four days . We are ready to come home . We got a call from our lawyer today . He is hoping that their trip to Tumaco will be Thursday or Friday . We are hoping to go to BogotΓ‘ over the weekend and , Lord willing , come home the following weekend . Thank you all for your prayers . I am feeling loads better today . My headache is completely gone , as is the tired / achy / cranky feeling . My congestion and sore throat are much more manageable and less irritating today . Ken was still feeling pretty poor most of the day . He did say this evening that he was starting to feel a little better . Hopefully a good night 's sleep will send him in the right direction . Hopefully , we will get a good night 's sleep . We had an event last night . Shortly after midnight , John started crying . This is very unusual . He 's usually a pretty deep sleeper and even in the first few days we had him , he was restless and woke some but not much crying . And boy , was he crying . Actually , he was screaming . It was awful . There was nothing that we could do to console him . We finally decided that he must be hurting but we didn 't know where . We gave him some Tylenol hoping that it would help with whatever it was . It didn 't . He screamed and cried . I tend to be a laid back parent having already done this age bracket with three boys . However , even I started to panic . And you know when I 'm panicking and Ken 's agreeing with me . . . it 's really bad . He was crying so hard and was so upset that he started hitting Ken . Finally , we decided the only thing to do was to turn on some light and strip him down and see if we could see some indication of the problem . When we tried to take his clothes off , he held onto them and continued screaming . I literally had to peel his tiny fingers off his zipper to get the clothes off . We checked every toe , every finger , every inch of his little body . We couldn 't find anything . The funny thing is that when we got his clothes off , he stopped screaming . I don 't know why . We never did figure out what it was . We are thinking it might be night terrors and when we took his clothes off , he woke up . I need to find out more about that . When he finally went back to sleep , it was 1 : 30am . Poor little guy . Poor Ken . He 's the one that John wanted . I would have gladly taken him since Ken was sick but it would never have worked . Oh well , I remember many nights when a certain little boy ( Rylan ) would only have Mommy even though Mommy was sick . It was weird being on the other end . Anyway , we went to the park and enjoyed some sun for a couple of hours this morning . That was good because we were constrained to the hotel this afternoon while it down poured . I let Diana do my hair and then I ran each girl through the shower individually and did their hair . I did Yuli 's the same as this past week with the X 's . It stays in pretty well and I think it 's cute . Diana wanted braids all over her head like what I did with Yuli 's the first time . It turned out pretty well , too . Her hair is easier to braid and it stays parted for me better . She seems really , really happy with her new do and it feels good that she thinks I 'm capable of doing something right . As you might tell from that statement , we had some problems again today . It turned out ok . She definitely is getting better , by a whole lot . She just needs some more time . I think she likes our family and is happy to have us , she just is finding some of our rules difficult to follow . You can tell that she 's used to doing whatever she pleases and has her own idea of how things are going to go . The thing that I 've noticed with both girls is that when it 's good , it 's really good . However , when it 's bad , it 's really bad . We did ok today . It seems like now our goal is to just make it one more day . . . one more day brings us closer to home . Diana told me today that she hopes we can spend Christmas in the US . Me , too . Part of me really hates to ask this . I know that so many of you have been praying for us for so long and I feel greedy asking for more . We are so close to being done here but we have no idea when it will happen . And we are growing weary . Please pray for these specific things when you pray for us . We need the strength to make it though the next two weeks ( or possibly more ) here in Colombia . I have a really bad migraine that comes and goes . Right now , it 's not here , this morning it was gone , but this afternoon , it was throbbing so bad that I could hardly stand up . Please pray for it to go away and stay gone . Ken and I are both sick with some kind of coughing / sore throat / achy / tired crud . Thankfully the kids are not sick but it makes the days long having six kids with full amounts of energy and two parents running on empty . Please pray for Ken and I to get better and for the kids to not get it . Yuli is really struggling with loving / hating us . She waffles back and forth . Sometimes it seems that she has really accepted us and enjoys being with us and then she goes back to hating her situation . She also needs comfort that only God can provide . Please pray for my emotional health . I know I 'm not well but being sick is not an excuse for not being a good mom . These kids need me right now and I need to be there for them , even when I don 't feel like it . Please pray that God gives me what I need so that I can give them what they need . I know it sounds awful . It feels awful but I 'm sure we 'll get through . God has provided for us everything we have needed every step along the way . I trust that He will continue to provide all that we need . On a positive note , yesterday when I was feeling a little better and Ken was feeling a lot worse , I put my hands out to John and asked him if he wanted to come with me . Low and behold he held up his arms and let me take him - - by choice ! He seems comfortable with me more and more each day and today he was having a rough time at lunch . I scooped him up onto my lap , mostly expecting a protest and he sank down in . He fell asleep there . After some loving and cuddling , I laid him on the bed so I could clean up the kitchen . He slept for 45 minutes and when he woke up , he came and found me and I put him back on my lap where he sat and cuddled for another 30 minutes or so while I played with Yuli . That makes this momma 's heart happy . He still prefers Ken if given the choice , but now he realizes that I 'm ok , too . We went on our first big family adventure today . Patrice has a friend with a van and we hired him and his wife for the day . It was a nice van and if I had been able to buy one of those in the states , I would have been content with it instead of gigantic van . Why don 't we get the same vehicles in the states that they send elsewhere ? It 's about a two hour drive from Pasto . I am proud to say that my entire family was ready and waiting when he showed up at 9 : 00 . That 's 9 : 00 AM . We had drugged Connor up with some Dramamine . The roads here are mostly paved but they wind and turn , go up and down so much that it makes the back roads of southern WV look like the interstates in the Midwest . I attempted to get some pictures of the mountains . . . they are beautiful and impressive . You can 't quite appreciate them in the pictures partly because it was overcast and everything looks very gray and partly because there is nothing to give the pictures scale so that you realize the vastness , the enormity of them . Anyway , I was really impressed . I 'll try and post some pictures of that another day . Las Lajas is a church that was built upon a sight where a supposed miracle occurred . If you want to read more about the story , click here . The first three building in this location were so well attended that the fourth was built on donations . Later , the bridge was added . It really is an awesome church . We got there just as mass ended . We went in the church and looked around , took some pictures , prayed and then went down below to visit the museum . We also played at the little playground on the other side of the gorge for a few minutes before we steeled ourselves for the walk back up the hill . We grabbed a quick snack to tide us over and stopped in Ipiales for a late lunch on the way home . We had a good day . Here , have some pictures . This one is taken from the overlook down into the valley where the church sits . This is the best thing that I can give you for perspective on just how tall the mountains are . See how small the church is ? So back to the beginning , here we are coming down the mountain on foot . ( It 's all relative , too . Coming down the mountain to visit the church that sits at 9000 ft above sea level . ) On the rock walls are plaques remembering those that donated to the current cathedral . Ahhh , yes . Here 's a teaser . It 's the whole family together in front of the church . . . too bad we 're so far away and you can 't see how cute the kiddos are . This is the waterfall across the gorge from the church . If you look in the bottom center of this picture , you can barely make out a set of swings , slide , and see - saws . That 's where we 'll be later in the pictures . A model of the church . The sign says , " Favor , No Toca " ( Please don 't touch . ) Do you see what my 7 year old ( who can fully read and understand Spanish ) is doing ? In other news , were are in the final stages of paperwork here in Pasto . We are waiting for one last person to give the stamp of approval . Technically , they have ten working days to do it , starting October 30th but Patrice says it doesn 't take that long . We are hoping to be going to BogotΓ‘ by the end of next week , maybe . Then we will be one full week there . Then we come home . Today when we were driving in the van , Yuli asked me if we were going to Los Estados Unidos today . She wasn 't crying . This is good . I told her not today . I told her one more week in Pasto , then we fly to BogotΓ‘ , then we fly to the United States . She seemed excited to fly to BogotΓ‘ on an airplane , so I think that 's a good sign . All in all , we survived our first family field trip . I found it difficult to take pictures since Yuli tends to wander . Ken carried John practically the whole day so he couldn 't do much with her . It 's going to take some practice . It was good to get out and do something different . Even if the road trip was torturous to the three new kids . They will be road warriors soon enough . We just need to work on increasing the size of Yuli 's bladder . ο»Ώ |
Top Posts & Pages GRAN HOTEL : YOU ' LL NEVER LEAVE ! HINTS ON ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION FOR FOREIGNERS FAKING IT TALKING ABOUT GRIEF ABOUT ROGER ANGELL ON LIFE IN HIS NINETIES SEX AT NINETY - ONE BECOMING A SMOKER TIM KREIDER AND HIS CAT STAY PUT OR MOVE ON ? Follow me on TwitterMy Tweets family history HOW I GOT TO BE BORN IN AMERICA [ This piece first appeared under another title in the Spring 2010 issue of Persimmontree , an online magazine of the arts by women over sixty . The editors called it " A Story . " It is a story , about another story . But whatever the title , it 's what 's at the end that counts . ] I was fifteen when I learned how my parents had managed to get out of Russia . I found out only because Mr . Mirsky had come to dinner . My mother and father did not usually discuss the past . While I was still a little girl , I did sometimes ask my father why he had left , but I never thought to ask how . I was sure that if you were a grownup and decided to go somewhere , there was no problem about it . You just went . " Of course he was my uncle , " my father would laugh . " In Russia , he 's everybody 's uncle . That 's why they call him ' Uncle Joe . ' " Then came the war - the Second World War - and the Soviet Union became our ally . It was suddenly okay to have a Russian last name ( although people were still always asking you to spell it ) . I even stopped wishing my parents had named me Joan or Barbara , and focused on getting the teachers at P . S . 99 to pronounce my first name correctly . My father met Mr . Mirsky at the Marshall Chess Club about a year after the war . There must already have been early rumblings in the papers of the Cold War to come , but it wasn 't called that yet . In any event I didn 't read newspapers much . By then , I had plenty of homework from Hunter High and spent all my leftover time being hopelessly in love with Leonard Bernstein . Mr . Mirsky had emigrated from Russia earlier than my father and mother , while the Czar was still on the throne and it was easy to leave , but had gone to England , not America . ( He had even flown in the Royal Air Force during World War I . ) Afterwards he had married a rich Argentinian and now lived with her in Buenos Aires most of the time . He was temporarily in New York , at a small residential hotel ( confided my mother ) , so as to make sure that his daughter , who was at Vassar , met the " right " sort of young man . He was trim , rather good - looking for an older gentleman , and had a charming English accent with a faint underlay of Russian and beautiful manners . He always kissed my mother 's hand when he arrived for one of the occasional Sunday dinners to which my father invited him , and he always brought a fifth of Haig & Haig Pinch , which he emptied mainly by himself during the course of the afternoon , after my father had had his habitual single shot and my mother her habitual single sip . Although I was several years younger than Mr . Mirsky 's daughter , I was consumed with envy of her . Rich mother , distinguished father , Vassar , and her choice of an appropriate husband delivered on a silver platter ! I therefore lingered at the table after these dinners , so as to gather every crumb of information that might fall from Mr . Mirsky 's lips about this fortunate young woman . My father was less interested in Mr . Mirsky 's problems with his daughter 's romantic life . His usual discretion and courtesy dissolved by good food and Scotch , he had a dismaying postprandial tendency to reminisce . Always hoping he would be quick about it so we could get back to Mr . Mirsky 's daughter - who after several of her father 's dinners at our house had somehow managed to become entangled with a Life photographer of whom both her parents disapproved - I would stay fixed in my chair ( the alternative being greasy pans in the kitchen sink ) . And so , on one occasion , I heard the following story : In 1921 my father was nineteen years old and in the third year of the engineering program at the Institute of Technology in Baku . Baku was then still part of " White " Russia . ( Mr . Mirsky confirmed this with a nod . ) In many of his classes , there was a slightly older , very serious student with round spectacles who never chatted with anyone and was not part of any social group my father knew of . But because they were enrolled in so many of the same lectures , they began to greet each other when they met in the halls , and once in a while they lent each other their notes when one or the other had to be absent from class . Then the Red Army completed its long southward march from Moscow and reached Baku . The solitary bespectacled student disappeared from school . One day , two policemen rapped at the door of the apartment where my father 's family lived . He was to come at once to the Central Police Station . What had he done wrong ? He told his frightened parents not to expect him back . However , after he was dragged to the station and roughly pushed into an office set off from the main room , who did he see behind the large desk in front of the windows ? His missing classmate ! Such courtesy ! And what 's more , an apology of sorts : The police should not have manhandled him . They were new recruits . Not yet trained . A weary sigh from Mr . Spectacles . What could he do with such peasants ? " Please , have a seat , " he urged again . ( My father was still standing . ) " It is not , of course , a criminal matter . " Two small cups of bitter black coffee appeared . Bottoms up together ! And with the coffee , a modest confession . All the time the two of them had been attending lectures at the Institute together , Mr . Spectacles had secretly been head of the local Bolshevik party cell . With the arrival of the Red Army , there was no longer need for secrets . As my father could see , he was the new Chief of Police . But then , enough with pleasantries ! Time for business . Bringing his empty cup down on the desk with a loud clap , the young Chief of Police briskly explained that he had ordered my father brought to him because he was the only student from the Institute he knew by name . Since he was now very busy with his new responsibilities , he had no more time to go to class and would therefore appreciate it if my father could fill him in on a regular basis with what was going on there so he could sit for the exams at the end of the academic year . And so for the rest of the academic year , my nineteen - year - old father came daily to the Central Police Station after school , trying not to see what was taking place in the main room as he passed through it . He sat nervously on the extra chair in the inner office , where he read aloud his notes of that day 's lectures while his former classmate nodded thoughtfully behind the big desk and , as my father put it , signed orders for execution by firing squad . The small cup of bitter coffee he was offered each time didn 't help . After a while , he couldn 't stand it any more . It wasn 't just the mandatory sessions in the police station . Life under this new regime was becoming hopeless . He didn 't want to live in fear that the next time the police rapped on the door it would be a " criminal matter . " He didn 't want his family to have to share their apartment , their kitchen , their bathroom with three other families they didn 't know . He didn 't want meals to consist primarily of sandy bread and moldy potatoes , brought back from the countryside by his two sisters on their bicycles . Once he managed to scrape together enough money to buy his mother a pound of butter on the black market for her birthday . He saw the butter , paid for the butter . But what got wrapped up for him to take home was a pound block of ice that melted on the kitchen table as his mother unwrapped it . He had to leave . Mr . Mirsky shook his head . " 1921 ? Too late . You needed papers for that . No more getting on the train and taking off for Paris or London . " " Well , " said my father , " I was young . And I was stifling . There was no harm in trying . But not Europe , " he added . " I was thinking America . " And should he bring his older brother with him ? Then there was my mother , just seventeen , whom he had met a few months before . He asked if she wanted to come to America , too . She had to go ask her mother . " If you can get out , get out ! " her mother told her . " There 's nothing for you here now . " He , his brother , and his half - sister would all very much like to study in Germany during the next semester , he said . There were some important courses there , not being offered at the Institute or the University in Baku , which they felt were necessary to their education . Would it be possible for their departure to be authorized for this limited purpose ? The Chief of Police peered over his spectacles at my father , then looked away . He did not ask anything about these very important courses , or where they were being offered , or if my father or his brother or his so - called half - sister with the different last name spoke German , or when they all planned to return . Instead , after a moment he picked up his pen and quickly signed all three sets of papers . " One good turn deserves another ? " suggested my father . " He later rose very high , you know . Very high . " He looked meaningfully at Mr . Mirsky . After he left , my father came to find me in my room . " Don 't tell that story to anyone else , " he said . " I shouldn 't have let you hear it . " Did I know ? What did he think ? That I was stupid ? Lavrenti Beria was Stalin 's executioner . Head of NKVD , the Soviet secret police agency that later became the KGB . He was responsible for millions and millions of deaths of innocent people . He was a bad bad man . Just looking at his face in the newsreels , you could tell he was evil . That 's what made it a story , for heaven 's sake . " What who will think ? Who is ' they ' ? " He was so exasperating . " You 're not in Russia anymore , Daddy . This isn 't the Soviet Union . You 're an American citizen . " Our voices brought my mother out of the kitchen . I could see her pale , worried face next to his . Two anxious people standing in the doorway of my room who did not want to hear from me about freedom of speech , or this being a free country , or any of the other things I had learned in Civics . Although they had managed to escape from a place where fear had darkened their lives and were now in a nice three - and - a - half room apartment with good light in Queens , they were both forever alert to gossamer threats of danger everywhere . The brother who was supposed to come with my father to America decided at the last minute to remain behind . My mother and father never saw their families again . But they eventually moved from New York to Los Angeles , and later to Palm Springs , where they lived long and relatively tranquil lives under the California sun . By contrast , my mother 's brother and my father 's brother and two sisters in Baku all died before them - one banished to Siberia and an unknown fate during the Kirov purges ( for which Lavrenti Beria was responsible ) , the others succumbing to various diseases after shortened lives of constricted deprivation . I became a lawyer after college , eventually married , and had two sons - each of whom now has a little daughter and son of his own . That makes seven of us , all American born , who could be said to owe our existence to Lavrenti Beria . He doesn 't get full credit , of course . However , one could make an argument that but for him , we would not exist . Which excuses nothing about his life , except that it 's interesting to think about . On the other hand , it 's highly improbable that our seven lives were foreseeable in the Central Police Station of Baku in 1921 , when Beria set pen to paper on the basis of my father 's dubious explanation of his need to take leave of the better Soviet world then in birth . So if I put my professional glasses on , proximate cause just doesn 't figure into it and none of us owes Beria a thing . What happened to Mr . Mirsky ? The problem of the Life photographer soon resolved itself without his intercession ; the young man was sent overseas to cover some unsavory part of the world where trouble was brewing . Several years later , when I myself was in college ( although not Vassar ) , I learned from my mother that the daughter eventually met the scion of a publishing company ( a choice apparently " right " enough for her parents ) and had a very grand wedding . Her father then returned to Argentina and the rich wife and was never heard from again . Stalin died early in 1953 . Lavrenti Beria was soon afterwards either shot in his own house in June 1953 ( according to his son ) or executed by firing squad in December 1953 after a trial without defense counsel ( according to official accounts ) , whereupon he began gradually to fade from popular memory . That would seem to release me now , finally and definitively , from the promise I reluctantly made my father not to tell the story I had just heard him tell Mr . Mirsky . But after all these years it 's not , as Mr . Mirsky observed , " quite a story " any more . Not when the name in the punchline no longer inspires fear and trembling in anyone . In fact , it seems to have become quite another story - about a time when I was young and my father was alive , sitting at the dining room table , his eyes shining with pleasure as he told us what had happened when he was young , and life exciting , and the unknown future still ahead . About six months after the end of the war , the Philadelphia hotel where Anna 's father was working decided to replace him and his ensemble with a pianist , bass player and drummer who played popular music and jazz . This time , however , he 'd sensed management might be up to something and was able to jump before he was pushed . When " they " came to give him his pink slip , he informed them he would be leaving in any case . Anna tried to visualize this scene as her father , the wonderful raconteur , waved his fork in triumph over his plate of Sunday roast beef and mashed potato . Who was the " they " who had come to him with the dreaded piece of pink paper ? Surely it had to have been a single person . She imagined a balding bulky man in a dark business suit , with a white handkerchief folded just so in his breast pocket and gleaming gold cuff links at his wrists . Dressed exactly like her father when he went to work , as a matter of fact . Well , her father wasn 't bulky . Although he was getting there . He must have been eating very well in Philadelphia . Her mother 's eyes shone with happiness . " He 'll be playing at the Biltmore ! " she announced . " Under the clock . Isn 't that wonderful ? They 've put his picture up all over the hotel already . " " The clock in the cocktail lounge off the lobby , " said her mother , as if she were explaining something to an idiot . " It 's a well - known meeting place . Haven 't you ever heard the expression , ' Meet you under the clock at the Biltmore ' ? " All the same , the next day she dragged a friend from her Latin class to the Biltmore after school let out . The friend was for moral support . Clutching their strapped books and notebooks against their winter coats , the two tiptoed through the hushed resplendent hotel lobby towards the cocktail lounge . No one stopped them . Anna looked up . Her mother had been right : there was a large clock face suspended from the ceiling . They didn 't have to . You couldn 't miss the important - looking photograph of her father holding his cello - wearing his best dark suit and gold cufflinks , with a white handkerchief folded just so in his breast pocket . It was to the side of the lounge entrance on a tall stand , above an announcement in beautiful lettering : " He 's not so famous , " said Anna as they backed away on the plush carpeting . Her father 's photograph and the announcement were also on the mirrored wall by the elevators in two places . She felt proud , and at the same time ashamed of being proud . After all , it was just an advertisement , wasn 't it ? And she herself had had nothing to do with its being there . They walked out of the hotel and as far as the subway at the corner . " Are you sure you know how to get home to Brooklyn from here ? " Anna asked . This friend wasn 't the sharpest tool in the box . But Anna was glad she had asked her to come along . It was very pleasant to be envied , if only for having a father with his picture in a hotel lobby . Her mother 's despondency didn 't lift . Anna dealt with it by spending as little time with her as possible . Every school night she worked in her room for three or four hours on her Latin , English , Algebra and Biology assignments , including the ones for extra credit . On Saturdays she always tried to arrange a visit to one of her new high - school friends from another borough . On Sundays she took long walks all around Kew Gardens and Forest Hills no matter the weather , peering into the windows of other people 's houses and daydreaming of life in another family . Behind the closed door of her room she also made frequent and lengthy entries in her diary , including every detail of her mother 's complaints about her , so there should be some record of them . Since this will not be read by anyone till I am gone , I can confide from the inner recesses of my soul and hold back nothing . Someday I will be famous , and after I am dead people will want to know all about me . That is my motive for writing in this secret book . It is an account for posterity of what is going on in my life , so that future generations will not have to speculate about missing facts . One November weekend when her father was home she went with him to buy the Sunday paper . Being unable to keep up with him when she was little , and even the business later with the belt , seemed so long ago and insignificant compared to her present circumstances . Besides , it was no problem at all to keep up with him without getting out of breath now she was fourteen ; they could even have a conversation while they were walking . She told him she was having a lot of trouble with her mother . Nothing she did was ever right . She didn 't know any more what would please her . As soon as the words were out of her mouth , she wished them back again . Suppose her father didn 't believe her ? After all , her mother always cheered up when he was there . Surprisingly , he nodded thoughtfully . " Yes , she was . And he was a famous orchestra conductor . They were here in New York for a series of concerts in 1914 when war broke out so they couldn 't get home again . And after the revolution , naturally they didn 't want to . He - Danilov - was about my father 's age . A fine musician and a real man of the world . Very helpful to me when I was young and just off the boat . " " Of course not , " said her father . " They moved to L . A . just after you were born . But before that , I always felt I could go to him when I needed advice . " " And , " said Anna 's father , " after I had been married to your mother for about six months , I realized I was tired of her . I was only twenty - four and she was already very boring . I wanted a divorce . So I went to Danilov to ask what to do . You know what he said ? " " He said , ' So what if you 're bored ? You get divorced , you 'll find another woman , and in six months you 'll be bored with that one too . This one is young and pretty . Why go through the trouble to change ? They 're all the same . Manage with what you 've got . ' " They had reached the front door of their apartment house . For a moment Anna was flooded with pleasure to learn that her father found her mother boring . Then she wondered what lesson she was supposed to draw from this confidence . Manage with the mother she had ? That 's what she was already doing ! It wasn 't until years later , when she was seeing her first shrink , that Anna began to wonder why her father had been so ready to share advice from a so - called man of the world with his fourteen - year old daughter about wanting to leave her mother . Did he think he was comforting her ? He had even seemed in a particularly good mood for the rest of that day . When Anna 's father had to take a job in Philadelphia , Anna 's mother said they would just have to manage . But she didn 't manage . Especially not after Anna began attending a selective high school for girls in Manhattan . Anna now had to leave the apartment at 7 : 30 in the morning to get to school by roll call at 8 : 30 , and was almost never back before 5 : 30 . She was in the Latin Club , the Drama Club and the Debating Club , all of which met once a week after school . Her class had elected her Class Representative to the Student Council , and she had also become a reporter for the school newspaper . She felt busy and important and excited about being in this interesting new school . Her mother was not equally excited for her . Anna would often open the front door when she finally got home only to find her mother sunk in an upholstered armchair in the very clean living room still in her housecoat , apron and slippers , no lipstick on and hair not yet combed although it was almost dark out . Without Anna having noticed how or when it had happened , her mother had gradually slipped into a state of sour unhappiness . What had become of the mother Anna loved so much ? This one complained Anna didn 't keep her room neat , her bureau drawers were sloppy , all she did was read , read , read . This one scolded that Anna didn 't stand straight : Didn 't she realize what she looked like when she slumped ? This one found everything wrong . Anna didn 't even try not to wear her glasses all the time . ( Her eyes were her best feature - why was she hiding them ? ) Anna had no nice friends . ( Peggy downstairs was a " shtunk . " ) Anna should have gone to Forest Hills High like the other girls in her eighth - grade class , where she wouldn 't be wandering around downtown until suppertime . And where there were boys . It was so unfair . She wasn 't fourteen yet . Did getting her period make everything different ? Was she suddenly supposed to become another sort of girl ? Or was it because of what her father , on one of his alternate weekends at home , had called " the change ? " Apparently " the change " had come early to her mother . Also her father 's absence in Philadelphia was in its second year , which meant that her mother had been having much less to do around the house for a long time . All his laundry was done at the hotel ; the bathroom was much less untidy ; her mother didn 't have to prepare meat and potatoes every night . She should get a job , thought Anna . Quite a few mothers had jobs . If she had a job , she wouldn 't always be picking on every single thing Anna did . Anna sighed . " You told me once you were good at mathematics in school . You don 't need spelling for that . You could be a bookkeeper . " " I was working in bookkeeping in a big department store when Daddy married me , " said her mother . " But he made me stop . He said it wasn 't right for a man 's wife to work . " " I 'm useless now , " her mother said flatly . " And worn out . Just worn out . " She bent over in the chair ; Anna could hardly make out what she was saying . She thought she heard , " What 's going to happen to you when I 'm dead ? " Her mother rocked back and forth , still bent over . " I sacrificed my life for you when you were a baby . " Her voice was shaking . " And now look at you . " She began to cry . " I wish I 'd never been born . " After a moment , she added , " I wish you 'd never been born ! " Anna turned away , so her mother shouldn 't see her face if she sat up . The parquet pattern of the wood floor blurred , but she managed to get to her own little room and sit down at her maple desk . A few tears escaped the back of her hand and fell on her desk blotter . She looked at the small wet spots with satisfaction , wishing someone could have seen how brave she had been when her mother said that horrible thing to her . Once school began again in the fall Anna didn 't see her father much except on Sundays , when he didn 't go to work . She would be on her way to P . S . 99 before he was up in the morning . By the time she came home in the late afternoon he had usually already left with his cello for the subway trip to whichever downtown hotel he was playing at . And because he had to be there from the beginning of the cocktail hour until they stopped serving dinner , he wouldn 't get back again until eleven or so , by which time Anna was in bed if there was school the next day . Sometimes on Friday or Saturday nights she did still happen to be up that late , listening to records in the living room or talking with her mother about the movie they had just come back from seeing . But once they heard the sound of his key in the lock , her mother would jump up and say , " There 's your father . He 'll be very tired . You better go to your room . " Anna always went . If her time alone with her mother was over , why stick around ? From behind her closed door at the end of the corridor she could hear their two voices at the other end , speaking a mixture of Russian and English . Although she had come to understand a few household Russian expressions , she could never quite make out what they were saying . After a while she stopped trying . Then one afternoon during her last semester of grade school , she dropped her schoolbooks on the hall table , hung her coat up in the hall closet , and found her father home , apparently not in a good mood . He was standing with her mother in their bedroom and he wasn 't wearing one of the dark suits he reserved for going to work . Her mother gestured and put her finger to her lips - meaning , Anna supposed , that she should go quietly away and leave them alone . But Anna was not in such a good mood herself . She had got B + on her most recent composition for English , unfairly she thought , and wanted to complain about Mrs . Seabury , her eighth grade teacher , who had refused to raise it despite Anna 's best efforts at persuasion . She planted herself in the doorway . " What 's going on ? " she asked . " Why is Daddy home ? " Her father was breathing hard . Suddenly he unbuckled his belt and wrapped one end around one hand . " Lay down on the bed and pull up your dress , " he commanded . Anna stared . Was this really happening ? Neither of her parents had ever even spanked her before . Beating with belts was from stories about poor unloved little children growing up on farms in Europe in the last century . Besides , she wasn 't a little child anymore . She was twelve ! She was nearly as tall as he was ! She tore the belt from her father 's hand and threw it on the double bed . Then she turned and ran to her own room , slamming the door behind her . No steps came after her in the hall . The apartment was very quiet . It was probably safe to hurl herself on her own bed and stare , enraged , at the ceiling . How dare he ? Pull up her dress ? Whip her ? With a belt ? She was never going to forgive him ! After a while her mother tiptoed into her room and sat next to her on the bedspread . " Anna , " she said . " He didn 't mean it . He really didn 't . He 's so sorry . " " You have to understand , Anna , " said her mother . " You 're a big girl now . He just lost his job . The hotel is economizing . Live cocktail and dinner music can be cut . So they cut it . And now we won 't have money coming in any more . " Anna sat up . Her mother had a serious expression on her face . So it was true . Anna tried to imagine what life would be like if her parents couldn 't pay the rent or buy food . " Where will we live ? " she asked . " Will the landlord put us out on the street ? " Why did this have to happen to her now ? " We hope so . He 's certainly going to try . " Anna 's mother stroked her hair . She hadn 't done that for a while . " But he 's very worried . So it wasn 't a good time to make him angry . " Her mother ignored this remark . " But even if he was angry , " she said , " he would never actually hurt you . You 're his daughter , a member of his family . Believe me , that man couldn 't hurt a fly . " Anna 's father did find another job during the next two weeks , although not in New York . What he was offered was in Philadelphia . But it paid extremely well , said Anna 's mother , and might also lead to profitable side engagements playing at society parties and weddings , so they would be able to save money for the next rainy day . Unfortunately , he would be living at the Philadelphia hotel and coming home only every other weekend . Well , they would just have to manage , said her mother . It was a big load off Anna 's mind to learn they would not be put out on the street . She also hoped that once her father had nothing more to worry about , he would tell her he was sorry about the belt . But he didn 't . He went off to Philadelphia without a word about it . He must have forgot . When the eating was over , she cleared the kitchen table and wiped it clean of crumbs , after which she filled the kitchen sink with hot water and suds and washed all the breakfast dishes , the double boiler used for making oatmeal , the greasy frying pan , the juice squeezer and strainer , and the coffee pot . These she dried with a kitchen towel and put away . She scrubbed the kitchen sink clean and took the garbage out to the incinerator at the end of the third - floor hall . Next she aired and made the beds . Then it was time to dust . Every day she went over every surface of every piece of furniture in every room with an oiled cloth , picking up each thing on top of each table and bureau and giving it a good wipe as she went . After that she swept the floors and ran a carpet sweeper over the rugs in the living room , Anna 's little room and the big bedroom . Once a week , instead of using the sweeper she pulled the heavy vacuum from the front hall coat closet , not only to give the rugs a more thorough cleaning but also to use one of the attachments on the sofa , two upholstered chairs and drapes in the living room . Last , she cleaned the toilet , bathtub and sink - where Anna 's father left a lot of hairs - and washed the bathroom floor and kitchen linoleum on her hands and knees , using a pail of soapy water and old torn - up sheets and towels to wipe with . She said she couldn 't reach into all the corners and cracks with just a mop . Often she got through all this by eleven in the morning . Then she could brush her teeth , wash her face , change her housecoat and apron for a skirt and blouse , and put on some lipstick for doing the marketing , usually her only outing of the day . Anna 's mother shook her head . " How do I know what he would notice or not notice ? " She put the carpet sweeper away in the broom closet and hung her apron on an inside hook . " Besides , " she added , " even if you were right , which you 're not - what else would I do ? " Anna and Peggy were sitting on the floor of Peggy 's room in Apartment 2C with their underpants off and their legs spread apart , each holding a pocket mirror a few inches away from her vagina in order to see what was there . The mirrors were Peggy 's idea ; she had inspected herself that way before . At first Anna had hesitated . But after she finally did look , she was disappointed . Somehow she had thought her secret place would be more alluring . Instead , all she saw was a yucky mess of creases with a little goo in the folds . She wondered if Peggy 's secret place was better looking . " Probably , " said Peggy . " But I searched their bureau drawers once when they were both out , and I couldn 't find any rubbers or anything . There was nothing in the bathroom either . " " They look like long skinny white balloons before you blow them up , " Peggy said . " Men put one on their thing so as not to make babies . Then their stuff comes out in the rubber instead of in the woman , and they can just take off the rubber and throw it away when it 's over . " Anna wondered who Peggy was hanging around with . Her mother had recently declared that Peggy 's mother and father were not cultured . ( Nyi kulturnyi was the expression she used , but Anna knew what she meant . ) Maybe her mother was right that she - Anna - shouldn 't be coming down here so much . She moved the conversation back to where it had begun . " Don 't you think our parents are too old ? " she asked . Nevertheless , Anna went through the bureau drawers in her own parents ' bedroom at the first opportunity . Her mother had gone to the butcher for a chicken and would be gone for half hour at least , so she had plenty of time to search thoroughly . But she could find nothing that resembled a skinny white balloon . On the other hand , tucked between two of her mother 's monogrammed Irish linen hankies was an interesting discovery of another sort : a full - length sepia snapshot of her father standing in front of a building somewhere , looking young and slim and handsome . He was wearing a light - colored double - breasted suit and smiling warmly into the camera . The words in ink on this photograph were Russian , in her father 's neat handwriting . Anna took the snapshot over to a window , where the light was better . The date written on it - 1923 - was no trouble to read . It meant the picture was taken two years before her parents had married . But all the rest of the four lines squeezed into the bottom of the snapshot were impossible for her . Although she knew how to pronounce the Cyrillic letters , she had no idea what they spelled out . Only one word at the end of the first line - " Musinka " - was comprehensible . " Musinka " meant " little Musia . " " Musia " was what her mother had been called in Russia , although her official name was Mira . But " Musinka " was an expression of great affection . The four lines to little Musia were from " M . , " who was of course the person in the picture - her father . Anna 's father sometimes did call her " Annushka " when he was in a very good mood . She couldn 't remember a single time when she had heard him call her mother " Musinka . " Howeever , the snapshot and whatever else was in the long - ago message on the photo must still mean a lot to her mother if she kept it in such a very private place , and not in one of her photograph albums . Best if it stayed private . Carefully , Anna slid the sepia snapshot back between the pink hankie and the pale green one , where her mother had hidden it , and closed the bureau drawer . |
Lovely lovely day ! I have had such a wonderful day today ! My riding club had arranged a Pay & Jump . That 's essentially a non - competition jumping meet - there is no placement list or winner , you don 't get any rosettes or anything , but you do get to jump a proper set of fences in a new environment , so for many people it 's good training before the season begins . The rules are a bit more lax too , in a regular competition you aren 't allowed to continue if the horse has refused a fence more than three times but at the P & J it 's up to the judge how long they can be allowed to try . Also you can get help to get the horse across ( e . g . by someone leading the horse or egging it on ) , or get a fence lowered a little . Since quite a few horses have learned to count to three , knowing that after the third stop they get to go out and won 't have to jump anymore , it 's very useful to let them continue on . Some of them looked very surprised indeed . . . There was one incident with a horse that kept baulking at the fences , where the rider got frustrated and started using her whip too much . You 're allowed to use the whip as an aid ; that is , to indicate with a light touch that the horse should do something . This rider got frustrated and unhappy when her horse refused fence after fence and gave him a sharp touch with the whip after he 'd refused . I told her to use the whip only as an aid and not as a punishment , and she got over the fence on the fourth try . When she rode up to the next fence she started whipping the horse on the way up to the fence , and as she did it without switching the reins to one hand , she was also pulling on the rein on the side where she held the whip . The horse , unsurprisingly , refused , and she used the whip again . At that point I had to tell her that since she kept using the whip in the wrong way I was excluding her . I let her jump one more fence - without using the whip - so they wouldn 't end with a refusal , since that is a bad memory to leave the horse . She was of course very unhappy , but I feel very sure that I ddi the rLink Jenny with the Broken LegLast Sunday , the 11th , I was booked to have a jumping lesson on Melanie at the stables at 9 am . I think there were six riders in all , and Eva , the owner , was holding the lesson . I got there in time to help carry out the fences . Melanie had a small wound on her left shoulder but Eva said it didn 't seem bad and she wasn 't lame . I took her out , and she felt very good . For once there was no problem keeping her at a collected trot , she responded very well to my hands when I asked her not to rush on . gnapp showed up to take pictures and I asked her to hold my new iPhone so I wouldn 't risk it falling out of my pocket or something . When we were all warmed up , I started trotting towards the end of the paddock to make a turn and come up to the first fence . That 's when it happened . Melanie stumbled and was almost down on her left knee . I was sure she 'd go over and I 'd get her over me , so I let go of the stirrups so I could get away if I needed . Instead , she righted herself with a jerk - and I flew off , landing on my left foot . It broke . Or , rather , the leg broke close to the foot . People were asking me how I was , and I remember yelling that this was Not Good . Gnapp came running up and I told her to get the shoe off quickly before the foot would swell up . She did . Eva came up and they both agreed that the leg looked really broken . Eva got a bale of hay to put my foot on ( by this time I was lying on my back - fortunately it wasn 't raining , as it had been when we were carrying the fences out ) and Gnapp called an ambulance . They took turns staying with me and fetching blankets and things to pile all around me . I borrowed a phone and called Calle to tell him what had happened . The ambulance showed up within ten minutes I think - it felt a lotlonger , but I don 't think it really was . One of them gave me morphine and I was ready to marry him on the spot . Gnapp went with me in the ambulance because I really didn 't want to be alone . Once we 'd gotten to the hospital they put on a plaster cast and took some X - raysLink Cats and horses and stuff , oh my ! The cats have stayed well , so we 're satisfied it was the rowan berries that caused the problems ( thanks artela for telling us about it ! ) . The girlfriend has fetched her new kitten , who is awesomely cute , as he should . This weekend we 've been having competitions at the stables . They 're members - only , but we had a fair number of participants ( there are quite a few people who join the club in order to be able to compete there ) . These competitions were at a reasonably low level , they 're mainly set up to be practice for inexperienced horses / riders or just a fun thing . We didn 't have winners as such ; in the jumping part ( which was today ) everyone got a rosette if they got around all the fences in the right order without any faults . The dressage was on Saturday . We 'd also announced a " flea market " for horsey stuff , since we need to get some money for our new riding paddock - we really need a second one for the warmups when we 're having competitions . I came early and helped set up the market , pricing some stuff that had been delivered late , and so on . Then I took Melanie for a walk , to see how she 'd behave when there were so many other strange horses and people around . She seemed more curious than scared , which is a very good thing . Hopefully I 'll be able to ride some practice competition on her next year , if she doesn 't go lame again . Then I helped out at the food stall , where we didn 't have much actual food to serve as the electricity was gone for several hours - not only at the stables , but in a fairly large surrounding area . The closest shop and gas station didn 't have any either . . . When the guest riders had left , I fetched Prime Diamond in and started picking burrs out of his mane . He was really bored and wanted to chew stuff , preferably me or my clothes , but I got a lot of them out . Of course he 'll pick up new ones , but I made a start cutting the burr plants in the field . I filled the largest wheel barrow , but I couldn 't see any noticeable change in the field . . . still , if the others wLink Cautiously optimisticThe cats have now been free of symptoms for about 36 hours . artela said that rowan berries may cause these symptoms - I really hope that 's it , because then this is over . It might also be something in the dry food they 've been having , so we 've got a new bag of another brand waiting . We 're still keeping them to only my bedroom and the living room . Arthas is busy trying to dig through the glass of the living room door . I did go riding yesterday . Melanie now shows no lameness at all . She doesn 't like to gallop on the right lead , so we 'll have to work on that , but she 's very happy to be ridden at all . I was very nice to not have to clean out stalls - I 'd spent the night waking up every time one of the cats made any noise at all , or moved around on the bed . . . Doing it right actually worksI 've not posted much about Dexter . That 's the horse in the icon of this post , and I 've been riding him for about a year now . Dexter is owned by Eva ( who 's also the co - owner of the foal ) and her sister . He 's basically got two modes - the one where he just lazes along nicely , and the one where he 's got a rocket under the tail . In lazy mode I have to work on getting him to lift his legs ; in rocket mode I have to work to not get thrown off ( which he actually did once , on purpose . . . ) . I 've not " clicked " with Dexter the way I did with Melanie , or with Skutt . He 's nice enough , he 's just not my horse in the way Melanie is even though I don 't own her . But I have learned a lot from riding him . Eva rides him in dressage competitions , and she 's a very good rider . She uses her seat a lot , so he 's sensitive to weight distribution and movement of the abdomen and seat . This basically means that he doesn 't listen to me unless I 'm firmly seated . That took me a long time to get used to . I had the problem that when we 'd go in a trot , he 'd speed up more than I was comfortable with , and then I 'd get nervous and want to slow down . I 'd haul on the reins - but at the same time I 'd be leaning forward , and he listened more to the weight than to the reins , so to speak . So I 've had to teach myself to first sit down properly and only then take the reins . It works , when I do it right , which is far from every time . When we do go at a trot or a gallop , he usually wants to go faster than I 'm comfortable with , and when we trot he wants to gallop . Part of this is because I lean forward too much ; the other part is that he 's not strong enough to carry himself at a slower pace , especially with an not - completely - balanced rider like me . Needless to say , Eva doesn 't have this problem . So , in short , I 've been having some difficulty and have been a bit wary of riding him alone . But a while ago I had a lesson with Eva which pretty much changed everything . We basically created the situations where I 've felt uncomfortable , and then shLink FoalAt 2 . 45 I was called by Eva who owns Melanie . It was foaling time . I got up , threw on the riding clothes and made a cup of coffee which I drank in the car . I got to the stable five minutes after he was born . Newborn In the midst of death , we are in lifeTwo pieces of news . This morning , my ( paternal ) grandmother died . I will miss her . I can 't really grieve , though , because I know that she was tired of this life and wanted to move on . She was in pain , she was unable to walk more than a few steps , she couldn 't stay in her own apartment any more , and she missed my grandfather who died seventeen years ago . I 'm glad she 's no longer in pain - but I 'll miss her . Day before yesterday I took the day off to go with the owner of Melanie to the breeding station . They did an ultrasound and we saw a tiny blob in Melanie 's womb . If all goes well , there 'll be a foal by the end of May . Next Friday we 'll be going there for a second ultrasound and by then there should be a heartbeat . Horse newsIn my last horse post I wrote that Melanie was getting inseminated . She 's back now , hopefully impregnated . Eva , one of the owners , has asked me to go with her to the vets in a couple of weeks to check whether the insemination worked . I 'm very happy that she asked me , it shows a level of trust and that she wants to let me be involved . Ownership of the foal , if there is one , still isn 't settled . I 've told her that no matter what , I 'll help out with some of the work , but I 'm not willing to spend any money unless I also get a part ownership of the foal . There 's certainly a risk in buying a foal , even part of one , but there 's also a possibility of a reward - whether by eventually buying it out or by selling it and getting some money back . Last week there was a dressage competition at the stables . Our small club has managed to scrape together a team for the division III league , and it was our turn to host . I was speaker , which was great fun - I got to say " Rider # XX is invited onto the course , and we ask rider # XY to be ready . The horse " Foo " is a mare , born in XXXX and owned by Bar . The rider Baz competes for the Gazonk club . And we now have the result for Bar Bazson , they got XXX points and YY . YY percent . Also there 's a green car with registration number XXX YYY with the lights on in the parking lot . " Being as how I love to hear my own voice , it was the best job I could get ! It would have been nicer if it hadn 't been so cold ( about 12C ) and wet ( rainy or drizzling most of the day ) . I was sitting under a roof , but I was still very cold . I felt very sorry for the people who had more outdoorsy duties ! One of the horses in the competition was son to the same stallion Eva 's used for Melanie . He was a beautiful black , with a star , had great moves and came in fourth . But I expect that if Melanie 's foal is anything like that good I won 't get to ride it much - still , if she gets one that good they 're more likely to keep breeding her , which is good in itself . She 's still very affectionate when I come to see her in the Link New lifeThe lovely horse Melanie , the one who isn 't rideable any more , won 't be put down . At least not yet . Today she 's away to be inseminated . If all goes well , there 'll be a foal next year . The sire is a very qualified dressage horse , dark brown , whose offspring has done very well . So if we 're lucky , Melanies mother 's genes and the sire 's will combine to create a good foal . I 've offered to buy a part in the foal , and promised that I 'll help with it regardless . Cats and horses and work , oh my ! So , it 's been a month since the last time I updated . Stuff has happened . Tusse got well , but we both have the feeling that he got a lot older during his illness . We don 't really expect him to be around for more than a year or so . Work has been hellish but is getting better now . We finally got the $ BIG _ PROJECT into production . There 's still some mopping up to do , but at least the time - critical stuff is over and we can breathe again . And then there 's the bad news . Melanie , the mare I 've been riding since January , has been lame a lot . She was taken to the vets yesterday and got X - rayed . It turns out her hind legs are basically shot , and she has a problem in her neck that makes it hard for her to use her right front leg properly . So she won 't ever be well enough to be ridden again . At best she might be good for breeding , but given her physical problems - she was born with one eye missing , as well as having had the leg problems - it mightn 't turn out that well . In which case she 'll be put down . I 'd gotten so very attached to her , I was planning on buying her in a few years , and I 'd started considering how to arrange stuff so I could ride more often . I 'm devastated . There 's the practical side of it , too - I 'll have to find another horse to ride on weekends , because I really do need to ride twice a week . But most of it is just grief that I 've lost her . MelanieFinally , here 's some pictures of Melanie . Also of how I look with riding helmet / hat hair . gnapp was kind enough to take the pictures last time we were out together ( also the second time I fell off Melanie - I probably should stop making a habit of that ) . There are more Melanie pictures at my gallery , and there should be an icon at some point . When I started riding Melanie she was still recovering from a kick to one leg so she was slightly lame . She 's a lot better now and up to galloping . I 've had nightmares that she was lame again and it was my fault for working her to hard . Very irritating , because I can 't get the thought out of my head , even though I 've not been working her hard and last time I had her I only rode for about half an hour due to this cold coming on . And she was walking perfectly well when I got off . Also I am quite sure her owners would let me know if I did something wrong , they certainly are not the type of people to let anyone hurt a horse if they could prevent it . Still the stupid mental image won 't fscking go away . Tusse is also ill ; he 's had a fever and been very withdrawn for several days . He 's getting better though ; his nose isn 't hot any more and he 's slept in our bed tonight for the first time this week . He still isn 't interested in food , but at least he drinks a lot of water and he seems to be moving around more , so we 're trying to not be too worried . But if he doesn 't get better it 'll be the vet for him on Monday . This is a threat that should scare him into eating , I should think . Well , that was bracingOn Sunday I went out riding Melanie . This time I was accompanied by L on her 25 - year old mare Ellie , and A on Melanie 's brother Elliot who 's eight or so . We walked along the road until we got to a nice meadow , where we first trotted a while and then took a gallop . Melanie behaved very well ; she was calm on the road even when an idiot driver honked his horn at us - damned lucky none of the horses got scared ! She was very good at keeping a quiet pace when trotting , and when L started galloping I had no trouble keeping Melanie at a trot for a while before I let her start galloping as well . ( I did this mainly to see how well she 'd listen to me and how hard it 'd be to keep her back - that 's a fairly good thing to know when you 're out on an unfamiliar horse . . . ) We turned back and decided to gallop back across the meadow . This wasn 't really the best idea we 'd had so far - the horses knew they were headed back to the stable and their food , so they were very eager to run . L 's mare was off like fired from a cannon , and I wasn 't far behind . I heard later that the mare had taken the bit and refused to slow down . . . Melanie at least kept listening ; I could slow her down , so I kept changing the pace - reining in to slow down a little , then letting her get her speed back up , a couple of times . That 's when it happened . Ellie stepped on a six foot long branch that was hidden in the snow . It flew up right in front of Melanie , who naturally shied away from it - and I lost my seat and went down in the snow . Melanie kept running until she caught up with L and Ellie . I 'd managed to fall well enough that I didn 't hurt myself , I just was a bit winded , so I got up and walked over to L and Ellie . L got off and caught Melanie . Looking back , A had also gotten off her horse and was walking towards us . It turned out he 'd been so eager to catch up with us that he 'd started bucking and jumping , and A was smart enough to get down and lead him instead of trying to stay on when he was in that mood . We walked back towards the stabLink Still alive and dying1 point to anyone who knows where the subject line is taken from . . . It seems the stupid cold has loosened its grip on me . I spent the whole day sitting or lying down , mainly because every time I tried to stand up I got dizzy . I 'm sure Calle was as pleased as I was that the shower stool was still around , as it meant I could get clean without falling over in the shower . About an hour ago something changed - I couldn 't sleep so I got up and didn 't feel like the room was spinning around me . It makes a nice change , I must say . If this keeps up I might even be able to go riding this Sunday , which would be nice ( and also good for my health ) . I still miss Samurai , but I also like Melanie , the new horse a lot . It 's a very different experience riding a six - year - old from riding a well - schooled elderly gentleman of nineteen . But Melanie is affectionate and very calm - I tried riding in skirts last week , and she didn 't bat an eyelid at them , even though it was very windy . That 's a bit surprising in such a young and comparatively untrained horse , especially as she is blind on one side . I feel very secure with her ; we seem to understand one another reasonably well and I 'm sure it 'll get even better . I still love Skutt , though - he 's the one I 've ridden the longest , and though he can be a bit of a stubborn donkey at times , we have a lot of fun . I think he does some of his tricks just to mess with me and liven things up a little . It 's strange , being all clear - headed again . Though I did get a lot of thinking done during the past few days - as long as I kept sitting or lying down , I was reasonably OK . I 've been making some notes about dealing with chronic pain , from various perspectives . I might even post some of them at some point . Night wibblingsI can 't sleep . I don 't know why , because I 'm really tired , but I can 't make my body relax enough to let me drift off . Today I was out with Samurai again . I timed my arrival to the stables so I just got finished cleaning out his box when the stable owner started bringing the horses in from pasture . I helped her a bit , then when she was finished bringing them all in , I put Campero in the stable corridor and cleaned out his stall . After that I washed his wound - he 's still got some seepage around the site of the fistula . He doesn 't like it when I press to hard around it , but he was very well behaved anyway - amazingly so for a four years old stallion . I took Samurai out on the country roads , where we had a few gallops , and then took the path through the forest back . There were lots of insects which was irritating , but Samurai behaved very well . It 's hard to believe this is the same horse who bolted with me the first time I was out with him - the past month or so he hasn 't even tried to take the bit and run . Sure , he 's still eager and he wants to go faster than I feel comfortable with , but he doesn 't argue when I tell him to slow down . Since it 's hot outside he was very sweaty when we got back , so I gave him a wash . Then I walked back to his box , without holding him - he followed like a dog going " heel " , never trying to move past me even though there was food in his box , never even trying to look or go in the wrong direction . I feel that he 's really started listening to me and accepting me as a leader . Or perhaps he 's just tired from the heat . . . General updateI 've been having a back ache for a couple of weeks so I haven 't been riding much - in fact I 've been doing very little except for working and lying in bed watching TV series . It 's better now , though , so this weekend I went out to Samurai . I 'd settled with jegra that she 'd book someone to clean the stalls so I could rest the back a little . Samurai was being very careful with me . He tends to notice how I 'm feeling and he 's always on his best behaviour when I 'm unwell . It was nice to basically give him the reins and let him pick his own way through the forest , and he seemed to enjoy a lazy walk as well - lucky for me , because when he 's eager for a run it can be very hard to control him . But it worked fine . Yesterday gnapp was at a showjumping contest . I went along to help with the loading , fetching and carrying . Since the class started at 9 am , we needed to leave the stables before 8 am . That meant I had to be there at 7 , which means leaving home at 6 , which means getting up at 4 . 30 . Which I did . On a Sunday . Gnapp did well - she and Skutt got around the course with no stops and no fallen fences , and all of 3 / 10ths of a second to spare to the maximum time allowed . They got their first rosette and Skutt got to graze for half an hour before we went back home . That was at half past eleven , and it 'd already gotten very hot . I was glad to be wearing a cap , and I felt sorry for Gnapp who had to wear a dark sweater when riding . The cap I 've got is one with the text " Everyone knows I 'm gay " and a rainbow on it . I got it from a friend some years ago when I was working with the Stockholm Pride parade teams - I ran along the parade and tried to make people stay in the part of the road where the traffic was blocked instead of running out in front of the oncoming cars . Today I left the car for repairs - she 's got a bad scratch on her left rear side , probably from someone trying to park too close to her . I 'd planned to stop by at the inspection center by 8 . 15 and then drive straight to the repair shop ( which is very cLink Green card ! I 've got a green card ! No , not the US immigration variety . Not the golfing type either . This is the card that shows I 've passed the tests and am allowed to compete in e . g . dressage or show jumping . In order to get it one needs to take a course and pass a riding test , a practical horse handling test and a written exam . I did the practical test last week and today I did the written one - and I went away with a shiny new green card in my wallet ! To compete at anything above club level one also needs a riders ' licence , which costs money - and to get the riders ' licence you must have the green card and be a member of a club which is a member of the Swedish equestrian sports association . So the green card isn 't a license but it 's a prerequisite for the license . I fully intend to take part in at least one dressage competition , even if only at the club level , this autumn . And even if I don 't , at least I 've got a major sense of accomplishment out of getting the green card ! Sunday ridingAs I wrote earlier , I 've decided to participate in a dressage competition this year . I 've had lessons both on Samurai and on Skutt , and I 've learned a great deal . I 've got a much better seat and I 'm much more relaxed , much more able to communicate clearly with the horse . On Sunday we had a competition training day . For a dressage competition , the arena should be 20 x 40 metres ( or 20 x 60 ) . Our arena is 30 x 60 . So we had to start by putting out small fences to make a 20 x 40 arena . There were five of us and we were supposed to start at 9 . I hadn 't slept well so I didn 't get there until 9 . 20 ( after having had breakfast in the car - how 's that for a good start ? ) . We still got the arena done by 10 am as planned . Monika rode Skutt first , then the stable owner rode , then it was my turn to take Skutt . I didn 't quite make the round properly , mainly because I didn 't know the course completely by heart and so sometimes I took the wrong turn , slowed at the wrong place , stuff like that . But it did feel as if I can take part in a competition without embarrassing myself too much . Then I took Skutt out to walk him a while and cool him down . We went along the small road for a few hundred metres and then turned back . That 's when we heard the motorcycles . We moved off the road and waited on a patch of grass some metres away . The first six motorcycles weren 't a problem , but the seventh made a lot more noise , and Skutt took off like he was fired from a rocket . It took maybe fifty metres to get him down to a reasonably collected gallop rather than a wild bolting , and another hundred metres before I got him to stop . By then the motorcycles had also stopped and turned off their engines . I thanked them for doing so and got Skutt to walk past them with only a little prompting required . They didn 't start up until we were well past them , and Skutt danced a little but didn 't try to bolt again . I don 't think he was really that scared , he was probably just taking the chance to get to run a bit . . . I got back to the stable , Monika tLink First dressage training daySo today was the first day of riding lessons on Samurai . I got to the stables at 12 . 15 for lunch with the other participants , which was nice . I cleaned Campero 's fistula ( he still has a hole going through his cheek by the fracture ) and mucked out Samurai 's box . At 14 I brought Samurai in so he 'd be able to eat while I mucked out Campero 's box . I got him ready on time to get into the riding house and start warming him up ten minutes before 15 , when my lesson was to start . We started with simply walking around and I got some tips on how to improve my seat . Eva saw that I tend to not notice if I 'm not sitting centered on the horse and she helped me with tips on how to avoid listing to one side . Then we did rising trot , where again she helped me get a better seat - I tend to fall forward a bit too much and she had me practicing my balance by standing in the saddle while Samurai was standing still , until I could stand properly without losing my balance . Then I did some more turns doing rising trot so I 'd get it fixed in my mind . After that it was time for the seated trot . As I wrote yesterday , that 's something that 's always been a problem for me . Part of it is that with the abdominal pains from the endometriosis , the incessant movements required for the seated trot can be very painful , but the greatest part is that I 'm not supple enough or relaxed enough to follow the horse 's motions . Eva helped me with this . She had me relaxed enough that I could do seated trot for several minutes , with change of pacing and speed , without losing the rhythm . Part of it was simply learning how to deal with losing the rhythm - I 've kept trying to get it back while keeping the horse at a trot , but that 's uncomfortable for both of us and has never been successful . Eva told me to instead slow down to a walk and get my seat back properly at walking pace , and then try again . This worked wonders ! Then we did turning on front legs and hind legs . This is stuff that Samurai knows very well but I have never tried it before Link Back to SamuraiYesterday I was back to jegra 's stable for the first time since December . Originally I 'd planned to start riding Lemkje , the horse I fell off from , but for various reasons that 's not likely to happen any time soon , and as Samurai isn 't going to be hired out he 's still available and Jegra still needs help . I got to the stables at about three in the afternoon . All horses were still out in the fields . I mucked out Campero 's and Samurai 's boxes ( Campero 's fracture is now completely healed , BTW ) and then went with the owner to bring in Samurai and the other horses sharing a field with him . I let him eat and went off to the nearby gas station to get a hot dog for myself . When I got back I started brushing and cleaning hooves and all that . Samurai was reasonably nice about it . It took some time to fit the saddle properly ( Samurai got very upset when I didn 't get the saddle right at first ! ) as it 's a bit different from the ones gnapp uses . The weather was lovely , but as Samurai hadn 't been ridden in a week or so , and he can get quite hot and hard to hold when he 's too frisky , I decided to stay indoors . It 's nice to have a lovely big place to ride in , as opposed to the half of a barn we 've got at Skutt 's stables . I kept to walks and trots , not feeling quite up to galloping yet . Samurai was a bit disappointed and tried to get away with claiming to be afraid of certain parts of the walls . When he found that all that happened was that he 'd get to walk slowly past the same spot several times , he gave up on that , and the rest of the ride was uneventful . I 'd forgotten how lovely it is to have such a well schooled horse - not that I don 't love Skutt , because I do , but they are so very different and I really enjoy being with both . But I 'm starting to feel the need for some lessons if I 'm to progress and be of use to both the horses and their owners . After I 'd put Samurai in his box and put away the tack , I went up to get Campero from his field . He hadn 't been let out until 12 . 30 , so the stable owner and I thought he ' dLink Horse picturesJust spoke to a coworker , one of the developers , about some work stuff . I mentioned that I 'd not been involved in some stuff around Christmas due to having a broken arm . It turned out he 'd grown up in a horse - raising family and he was very interested in what horses I ride . So I finally got around to putting some of my riding pictures up at my LJ scrapbook - they 're at http : / / pics . livejournal . com / jennyaxe / gallery / 0000cxfr . All of them are two years old or more ; I hope I 'm a somewhat better rider by now . |
Well I 'm finally a big Grade ' 12 ' . It feels good but not much different really . It was good to go back to school and see all my friends again . I 'm in two , maybe three classes with Karina which is really good because last year I wasn 't in any with her . I met the exchange student from Switzerland . He 's not exactly as cute as I hoped but I guess he 's not really bad . He 's very , very , very tall and wears glasses . His name is Nicholas . He 's from a French speaking area . I 'm going to try to get a part - time job at a hairdresser 's and give up my job at the supermarket . I 'm hoping it 'll give me a better chance of getting a full - time job there next year . But I doubt I 'll get a part - time job there , let alone a full - time one . Today I made a chef of myself . I cooked a chocolate cheesecake , the same one we made at Joanne 's . Then I made the potatoes for tea . I learnt a new way , also at Joanne 's . I start school in the morning . I don 't mind . I 'm looking forward to it really . I 'm also looking forward to asking Paul to partner me . Only if he says yes ! Mum went into town today . I got her to get some things for my cooking tomorrow . I 've only got one day of holidays left . It was Melissa 's first day at high school today . I drove down to pick her up from the bus stop . She loved it . It 'll be good having her at the same school . I 've been to school for eleven years and only three have been at the same school as her . I read the book Donna lent me today . It was really good . I read the whole book in one day . Karina rang me today . Right when I was cooking potato salad . I burnt it ! Anyway she couldn 't stop talking about Brad . Their Rural Youth Group went on a camp on the weekend . I was crying when she was talking to me . She didn 't know though . She was saying how she thinks Brad 's mum wants her to ask Brad to partner her for her debut . It was really depressing me . Mum rang Aunty Pat ( Mason 's mum ) last night to see about him partnering me . He 's taken on a lot at uni so he probably can 't do it . So it looks like it 'll be Paul Street ( Eric 's brother ) . I really want him to , I think he 's very nice . He may not be able to do it because he goes to boarding school . But he already knows how to dance so he wouldn 't be disadvantaged if he missed a few practices . Aunty Kaye ( she & Leonie train the Catholic debs ) said boys from boarding school have done it before so I hope he can . Aunty Kaye was very sympathetic towards my finger . She 's really nice . She 's a terrific aunty . I told her how I wanted Brad to partner me but Karina wanted him . She told me to get in before Karina . I like the way she says things like that . Mum never would . Donna & Joanne made cushions for their beds today & I read a condensed novel from a magazine . I 'm home now . I came home after tea . I really enjoyed myself at Willett 's . Donna gave me a book to read & I wrote out a few recipes before I left . They 're all such good cooks down there . Donna is training to become a Home Economics teacher . We went up to the Tooradin store today to do some shopping for the cooking we did afterwards . Mum rang to see when I was going home . I told her about my finger and said it didn 't look too good so she came down to have a look at it . She used to be a nurse . She said it would be alright and redressed it . I 'm having a great time down here . We muck around all the time . I wish I lived here . Today I had fun . I went to the ambulance . I cut my finger on the meat slicer at at work . It 's not very bad but it 's a good play for sympathy . Although I push my luck at times ! We went to mass tonight in town and Eric was there . I talked to him for awhile . I asked him about Brad and he said , " You 're not still chasing him are you ? " I don 't know why he 's telling me to forget him . He wanted Brad and I to get together earlier on . Donna , Joanne & I are sleeping outside tonight so we can gossip . Posted by Aunty Kaye and Uncle Frank came down here for tea tonight so we made a cheesecake this morning . Then we rang home to see if the boys and Melissa wanted to play tennis . They did so we played tennis and then we played handball . It was good fun . They went home today . We had to walk home on the road . We only got one offer for a lift . Of course we said no . Then we cooked more when we got home . I didn 't see Peter Napier at all today . I saw Paul & Peter No . 2 for a little while . I 'm at Joanne 's now and they 're going home tomorrow so I won 't see them for awhile . I came down at about 1 : 30 . We rode the bikes up the back road and I killed my legs . We played the piano and organ for awhile after that we had tea . Everyone eats so fast down here and I 'm always last by a long way . How embarrassing . I was playing on the computer this morning and Peter came over to ask me to do some sewing for him . I felt good that he asked me but I can 't sew very well . He wanted me to take down the hem from his long pants . All I did was pin them , I got Mum to sew them . Then he got me to cut his hair . It 's so short already and there was hardly anything to cut . I just did what he said but I probably really ruined his whole lifestyle by cutting it wrong . He said it looked better anyway . We went swimming again today . Peter didn 't come for about an hour after we got there because he said , " The men needed my valuable assistance . " We had a nice BBQ planned for Chris 's party . We were going to have Nan & Kevin , Aunty Kaye , Uncle Frank , Peter , Paul & Peter No . 2 along with Grandma , Grandfather & Dan ( Mum 's brother ) who were coming out from town . But Aunty Kaye and her group couldn 't make it because they went to Aunty Kaye 's friend 's for tea . And Grandfather had bookwork to do , so he couldn 't make it . And on top of all that , it stormed and washed out our barbie . Ben , Chris & Natasha left with Grandma tonight . They were beginning to get on my nerves so I 'm glad they 've gone . Chris is OK but Ben & Natasha are pains . Last night Geoff , Chris , Paul & Peter ( Paul 's friend ) didn 't go to sleep at all . They got into big trouble this morning and weren 't allowed to go swimming . So us girls went with Peter Napier . I 'm getting on really well with Peter . I don 't mind at all that he only likes me as a friend . It 's just when he doesn 't talk to me much that I get angry with him . I like to be the popular person with eveyone talking to me . But everyone has dreams . Today was really great . I didn 't see Peter until we went swimming at about 2 : 30 . We were down there for about an hour and a half . I was talking to Paul for awhile about David and he 's a real little sweetie . He 's so cute . Takes after his big brother , David . Then a mud fight started . Geoff , Chris , Ben , Paul , Peter ( Paul 's friend ) & Natasha against Peter Napier . Melissa & I were smart enough to just watch . Then when Peter got back in the water we had a really good talk . I 'd forgotten what it was like to really talk to him . We used to talk alone for a long time every time he came up but lately he has been neglecting me , and with six boys and three girls here at the moment he doesn 't usually spend any time with us . After swimming he asked us to go to Aunty Kaye 's place so we did . He had a bad headache and Aunty Kaye had no Panadol so we had to come back here for that . Then he came into my bedroom and stayed here for over an hour . I cleaned his toenails and cut them for him . I like doing things for him . Then he tried to go to sleep . But I wouldn 't let him . Then Paul & Peter ( the other one ) came over to collect him . We all played pool at Nan 's tonight with the exception of Mr Napier who went to sleep right after dinner . Not much happened today but I did a lot of thinking . We went swimming at the river and Peter pushed me under and I got a nose full of water . I got in a stink but it didn 't last long . We went to mass at Ridgehaven tonight . Mum was talking about deb partners again . She told me to ring Mason but I said I didn 't want to so she said she would . She didn 't today but she will . I asked her about Eric but she said he was too young . Then I asked about Brad but she said to ask Mason first . I hope Mason says no because I want Brad but I bet Brad would say no , too . Kelly was finally at work this morning . And her hair is the same as mine ! We both changed it the same way without each other knowing . Yoko came in to see me this morning . She gave me Paul 's address . Anyway , enough of that rubbish . On to the good stuff . Of course it 's about the dance . Brad did go but he completely ignored me all night . Eric didn 't know why . I was talking to Eric a great deal tonight and had two dances with him . Eric is very , very , very nice . I really like him . But no more than a friend . I was really depressed when Brad ignored me . I was so upset I could have cried BUT beautiful Bryant came in and asked me for a dance . Then I forgot all my worries about Brad because Bryant gave me all the attention I wanted . I 've like him for about two years ( that is , when I see him ) . David Barrett 's younger brother Paul and his friend Peter have been at Aunty Kaye 's since Friday and they went to the dance . I had two dances with Paul but during the second dance with Paul , Bryant got Melissa up so we swapped partners and I got to dance with Bryant . He 's so gorgeous . Will Roley went and he really likes Jo . He gave me a sweet smile and said hello but I looked the other way . I had a total of 8 dances tonight . One with Peter Napier , one with Matt , two with Eric , one with an old bloke , two with Paul B AND most importantly one with Bryant . I rang Jo today to tell her some good news . Peter is coming up tomorrow . He 'll be going to the dance tomorrow night so she 'll see him there . I can 't wait until the dance . It better be good . In other words , Brad better go ! We went to Brisbane today to pick up our cousins , Ben , Chris & Natasha . They 'll be staying for about a week . We went swimming when we got home . We also bought two more computer games . One can only be played with a joystick so we 'll have to buy one . I kept my hair the same ( which is different from usual ) and everyone seems to like it so I 'll probably keep it like this although I am getting a bit sick of it . Natasha 's sleeping with me while they 're here so I have to hurry while I 'm writing my diary . I rang Karina today and Arlene was there , too . Karina is going out to Brad 's place tonight to watch a video . She 's so lucky ! I wish I saw him as much as she does . We talked about deb partners and I told her I wanted Brad but so does she . I feel like asking him at the dance this weekend but I 'd have to ask Karina if she minded and she would so I won 't get to ask him . I changed my hair today . I brushed it over to the side . I like it and Melissa said she likes it better but I don 't know whether to keep it like this or not . Brad might not like it and that 's really my only concern . Everything about Brad is confusing me . The more I think about it the more confused I get . I wonder if Brad will ever like me and I think about both answers but I can 't come up with a conclusion . Sometimes I wonder why I like him at all , I hardly know him . It seems like all my depression is for nothing . But I do like him . I can 't help it . I wonder what he 's doing now . I wonder what Karina is doing . She 's probably glad to be near him but upset that he 's not treating her the way she wants him to . That 's how I feel whenever I 'm with him . It 's the fact that he 's so close yet unobtainable that depresses me . I feel like he 's torturing me . I hate it and I wish he meant nothing to me then I wouldn 't be hurting like I am now . I 'm sure he 'll be the same at the dance but there is that slight chance . I hope Eric goes . He pushes Brad along a bit . I just hope he doesn 't push too hard or my chance will be no chance . We went into town today , Mum , Melissa and I . Melissa was really getting on my nerves . I 'm glad I went though because I saw Karina and Arlene . I spoke to them for a few seconds because Mum was in a hurry . But then I saw them again when Mum was in the supermarket so I was talking to them for quite awhile . I wish more people liked me . I mean genuinely liked me . I feel very lonely and as if no one cares about me . Karina wanted to stay and talk to me but Arlene kept saying she wanted to leave . She doesn 't like me but I wish she would . I like her . On Sunday in the pool I was right on the edge and the others were throwing a ball around . Arlene threw it and it hit me on the face . She must have meant it because it would have been easy to miss . I wasn 't even in the way . The others didn 't seem to worry too much . At least the Streets talk about me in their home , Arlene was telling me Mrs Street told Brad that Karina was older than him ( by 24 days ) and she said , " Wouldn 't it be funny if Tara was older than you because she 's such a little thing and you 're such a big thing . " I keep asking myself what I did so Brad doesn 't like me . I might think too much of myself and he may not like that , although I never mean too . There must be some reason because Erick was so sure he liked me . And I can 't think of any reason why Eric would lie to me . I really want Brad to partner me for my debut . But I can 't ask before Karina does or she 'll never speak to me again . And I value her friendship too much for that . But if she asks and he says no , there 's no reason he 'd say yes to me . Brad 's the only person I want as a partner but I never usually get what I want and this time won 't be any different . There 's a dance on this weekend at Tooradin . I really don 't know whether to go or not . I want to see Brad but not if he doesn 't particularly want to see me . I guess I will go though because there 's always a chance something may happen and I 'm not one to pass up on a chance , especially where Brad is concerned . Posted by Last night after I wrote my diary Mum came in and suggested I should ask Paul Street to partner me for my debut this year . I told her I don 't really know him very well and he goes to boarding school . She said I could get Mason to do it then . I really want Brad to do it but Karina told me she wants to ask him first . And so he 'll partner her but if he says no he 'll say the same to me . So there 's no way I 'll get Brad as my partner . Last night I couldn 't stop crying about what didn 't happen yesterday . I was so disappointed . Joanne rang me to see how the party went but I couldn 't say much because Mum was in the room . I 'll ring her back sometime this week . Mum made herself a skirt and tried it on in my room . Then she told me to try it on . It fitted me and she asked me if I wanted . So I 've got a new skirt . I wrote a very personal letter to Brad today . I 'm not going to give it to him , I wouldn 't dare ! I just poured out my feelings into it . I like him so much but that doesn 't make any difference to him . He didn 't say he only wants to be friends , but I 'm not stupid . You could tell a mile away he 's not interested . Not even slightly . Eric has got to be the biggest liar I 've ever met , by far . I think it was very cruel to say Brad likes me when he knows he doesn 't . Why would he say such things ? Maybe he hates me and he 's doing it to hurt me . Well today wasn 't what I hoped for but it was what I expected . I 'm so depressed that I 'll cry myself to sleep tonight . I went into Karina 's place at 9 : 30 this morning and we started writing a letter to Ann . Then we went down to the newsagents to buy a card for Paul from Karina . Then Rick & Brad came at about 10 : 15 . Brad was as gorgeous as ever . Anyway we were walking down to the car , Karina first then me , then Brad . I went around to the other side of the car because I knew Karina wanted to middle . But Brad followed me around so I ended up in the middle and sat next to Brad all the way to Paul 's . I thought , " This is great ! " . But that was all he did that could possibly mean he likes me . We got to Paul 's place too early , so he told us . It wasn 't a very good party . Paul practically said nothing but hello to us all day . But it wasn 't Paul I was worried about . Brad was talking to me but he never showed any more interest than a friend . I didn 't eat anything at Paul 's place because I hate eating at other people 's places and I wasn 't hungry anyway . After lunch someone suggested we go swimming at Brad 's place ( his grandma owns a pool and they live right next to them ) . I was all for that except I had no togs but Karina said Arlene ( Brad 's sister ) would have a pair that would fit me . So we said goodbye to Paul and went back to Karina 's . ( Karina sat in the middle this time ) . I rang Mum and she said I could go swimming . So we went out to Rick 's place to get his things . Then we went to Brad 's place and I got changed there . Then we went up to his grandparents ' place . It was fun swimming . But Brad didn 't say much to me . Anyway we had to be back in town by 5 because I had to go to mass tonight . We got changed at Brad 's place again . I saw his baby photo and it 's so cute . Then we said goodbye and went back to Karina 's again . I rang to tell Mum to come & get me then we finished Ann 's letter . When I got home we had tea which was good because I ate absolutely nothing between breakfast & tea . I haven 't done that for ages . Then we went tI like Brad so much . He 's very nice and he 's real funny . But Eric must have been lying . For someone who 's supposed to like me he sure shows it strangely . I guess there is a possibility that he may like me but I 'm being very optimistic . Karina and I both think he 's terrific . I only wish he felt the same about me . Kelly wasn 't at work again today . I don 't know why she 's been away for so long . I might ring her . I was sun - baking today and got very burnt . My face didn 't though . I 'm glad because I don 't want to be red at Paul 's party tomorrow . Mum bought a card , badge & keyring for me to give to him . I rang Karina to see what she 's wearing tomorrow . She wasn 't sure . I was going to wear shorts but I don 't want everyone to see my red legs so I 'll wear a skirt . I 've got nothing good to wear . And I want to impress Brad . I can 't wait to see him again . Joanne went home this afternoon and Melissa came home & brought Amber with her . I 'm glad Joanne came up . I like it when she comes up but she really must have been so bored because we did nothing . Today we swam on the trampoline for awhile and we played pool & watched TV . Karina rang me today . She didn 't ask me to stay at her place but she did ask if I still wanted to go down to the party with them . And , of course , I said yes . She had to ask me a question though . It was , " Can I sit in the middle on the way down ? " . I said yes because I don 't want to push my luck . I 'm really hoping Brad will ask me to sit in the middle but as if . I 'm dying to go to this party but Karina said she heard that some ' tough ' grade 12 boys are going to gatecrash for a stir . That will ruin the whole day if they do . Karina & I decided not to buy Paul a present . Mum thinks I should but I don 't want to be the only one . We 'll probably just buy him a card . I wonder what Brad will say to me on Sunday . I hope he 's really nice to me and he really likes me . But I 've got high hopes . I suppose I 'd better go to sleep . I 'm very tired . The heat wears me out . And I have to work in the morning . Kelly had better be there this week . I 'll be very bored if she isn 't . And I want to tell her all my ' exciting ' news . ( Real exciting ! ) Joanne must be so bored here because we did absolutely nothing today apart from swim in the river for about an hour & we played the piano again . But I guess it 's better getting bored at someone else 's place than your own . Karina didn 't ring today . She 's only got tomorrow left if she 's going to ask me to her place . Mum asked me today about a present for Paul . I said I 'd talk about it with Karina . So if she doesn 't ring me , I 'll ring her . I can 't wait until Sunday . I 'm dying to see Brad again . I got Joanne the stupid , dull , brat , dumb , pain friend of mine up today ( she told me to write bad stuff about her ) . I am really only joking . We were swimming on the tramp today . I was trying to get brown but Joanne doesn 't have to . She 's brown enough . After that we were just mucking around . Mum wants us to play a duet on the piano at this year 's speech night . So we played a couple and picked one out . Tonight was the best though . I was taping songs and we were going crazy dancing . And by crazy I mean C - R - A - Z - Y ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Especially Joanne , she 's a bit weird you know . Strange person . That 's why we get on so well . This morning I asked Mum if I could get Joanne up for a few days . She amazingly said yes . So I rang Joanne but she couldn 't today because they are having guests for dinner tonight . But she 's coming tomorrow morning and probably staying until Friday . We talked for about 2 hours . That was because it gave us both something to do for once . Melissa asked her friend Amber to come up today but instead she 's going to her place for a few days . I spent the rest of the day doing nothing much . I made up my face and put my new dress on , did my hair and danced in my room . That tells you how bored I was ! Then Melissa came in so I did her face & hair . Then she did mine ( I 'd taken off what I did ) . You 've probably noticed I haven 't said anything about Brad . . . yet . I thought about him a bit today and I 'm crazy about him but there 's no use upsetting myself by spending all day thinking about him . I 'd probably just get my hopes too high and be disappointed on Sunday . I was so happy yesterday about Brad . But it usually takes me about a day or so to realize the truth . Brad doesn 't like me . Did I really think that someone who was interested in me would sit beside me all night and barely speak to me ? Today I was really very upset and just moped about the house all day . I rang Karina but she likes Brad , too , so I really can 't say very much to her . Eric kept telling me Brad is very interested but Karina seems to think the opposite and tells me so . I told Karina what Eric asked Brad but I only said me & Sandy . I didn 't want to hurt her by saying he likes me better than her . But I don 't think he does . I feel like ringing Eric and having a really good , long talk about everything Brad has said about me . But it would probably be a short talk if that was the subject . I really want to go to Karina 's place at the end of the week . She said if I do I could go down to Paul 's party with Rick , Nerida , Karina AND most importantly Brad ! That 's not the only reason I want to go . I do want to see Karina , too . But after I told her he liked me better than Sandy she didn 't sound like she wanted me to come anymore . I don 't think she had any idea that Brad even slightly liked me . I really don 't know what to think because Eric always talks to him and he says Brad likes me but Karina stays at their place ( she 's good friends with Brad 's sister ) and she doesn 't think he 's interested . She might be saying it out of jealousy but if he really did like me he would have probably made it a little more obvious at the dance . Yoko rang me today and said something about the letter being stupid , but she was positive Paul gave her the card . But who cares ? All I could think about all day was Brad again . It 's really getting me down . I like him so much but does he care ? I don 't think so . I can 't wait to see him on Sunday and I hope something happens . I want to get Joanne up for a few days . I need someone to talk to badly . I just make myself more depressed if there 's no one around . I really want to ring Eric because I simply must know what Brad thinks of me . This time ( unlike any other ) I 'm not going to do anything stupid to ruin all my chances . I 'm going to let Brad make all the moves , if he 's got any he wants to make . Karina says that 's why he doesn 't like me , he doesn 't like being chased , he wants to do the chasing , if there 's any to be done . I won 't be able to stop thinking about him so you 'll have to put up with me until I see him again ( that includes you Jo ) . Joanne is the only one I let read my diary . She was the only one that knew about it , too , until my sister found out ! I like to keep it a secret because I 'm afraid the rest of the family would try to read it if they found out . Today was so hot . It was 36oC at 10 : 45 this morning ! But we got a few big storms in a row at about 1 : 30 to 2 : 00 so that cooled things down a bit . We went to mass at Ridgehaven tonight and there was a huge crack of thunder . Everyone almost died of fright . Aunty Marie , Uncle Warren , Natasha , Uncle Warren 's mother and her brother and his wife all arrived at our place unexpectedly today . Ben & Chris didn 't come , they 're in Adelaide . They didn 't stay for very long . About 3 - 4 hours . Aunty Coralie brought an old friend from school up to Nan 's today , too . Owen & Trent didn 't come because they were doing something with Uncle David . I couldn 't stop thinking about Brad at all today . I can 't wait to see him again . And I wish he really , really liked me . I don 't think he does but I wish he would . I kept thinking about him and the dance all day . He 's so nice , cute , gorgeous , funny , tall , great , etc . I really like him a lot . More than Paul O ' L . Paul doesn 't talk to me all that much . When he does he says things that make me think he likes me but then he goes and talks to someone else all night . Brad sat with me all night and he 's much better looking than Paul . He doesn 't think himself great like Paul does and he 's very nice ! ! Eric is really good . He talks with Brad and I think he did a lot of good but he keeps stirring Brad around me and it annoys Brad . Last night Eric said , " Where are you going to send your kids to school ? " Brad wasn 't impressed . I can 't wait until Paul 's party . Then I 'll find out more about how Brad feels about me . I hope he likes me . I couldn 't be happier if he does . It 's only 5 : 45pm but I have quite a bit to write and I don 't want to leave it all until after the dance tonight . Kelly wasn 't at work again this morning . I worked with Donna Craig this time . She 's good to work with . We get along well . Donna Willett drove me in this morning . Mrs Willett didn 't come . On the way home Donna was telling me her problems with a particular guy . Of course I feel sorry for her , but it make me feel better to know I 'm not the only one . Paul T . came into work this morning . He didn 't talk to me , he just waved . Nick Saxby came into the deli this morning and lent right over me and said into my ear , " How are you this morning , Tara ? " I liked that . Mr Myer 's son has been working in there lately and he kept looking at me this morning . Probably because I 'm so ugly . Grandma came down to me at work to give me our family presents from our cousins ' grandma in Brisbane . I went to sleep when I got home and the phone woke me . It stopped ringing so I thought someone must have answered it . I felt sure it was for me and was surprised when no one came to get me . So I went back to sleep . Then the phone rang again . I couldn 't be bothered answering it but it kept ringing so I got up to answer it , but , you guessed it , it stopped just as I reached it . Anyway it was for me . Karina rang back ten minutes after that last call . She rang to see if I was going to the dance . She 's going , too . She had quite a good deal of news for me . Paul Zimmermann likes her and now she knows how I felt about Paul T . She also said Yoko rang her just before she rang me , asking for my phone number . So that must have been the first caller . I knew it was for me . But she still hasn 't contacted me . I wish she would . I have to ask her about that letter . Just after Karina rang Grandma rang with good news . Mum 's brother in Sydney , Uncle Carl , has a son . That 's two now , Laura and this new baby . Now I have seven cousins . Five are boys and two girls . The dance was unreal . It was one of the best ever . I was surprised when Eric came up to me almost as soon as he came in and talked to me . He asked me up for a dance . So that was dance number one . We had a really good talk about Brad . He said he was talking to Brad and asked him who he liked best out of Karina , Sandy and me . I was very surprised and happy to hear he chose me . Then Brad asked me for two dances in a row . I love dancing with him , he 's so tall and big . He 's 6 ' 1 1 / 2 " . I just seem to disappear in his arms when I dance with him . I am only 5 ' 2 " . I feel really comfortable dancing with him . After the second dance he sat beside me for the rest of the night . If he does like me , he 's a very slow mover . He hardly spoke to me and I wish he would have held my hand or something . Paul O ' L was there , too , but he wasn 't sitting with us . When he first came in he said it was good to see me again , that he hadn 't seen me for ages . That embarrassed me and I didn 't know what to say . Roselise also went and Paul hadn 't personally invited them ( her & Karina ) to his party so I had to ask him if they were invited . He said of course and Brad asked if he could go . Paul said yes so it should be great ! ! Even better , Karina 's sister Nerida and her boyfriend Rick are going and will be taking Karina and Brad , and I might be going with them ! Brad has the most gorgeous blue eyes . He 's really adorable . For my fourth dance , Matt Stetson got me up . He used to like me but I did nothing about it so he has another girlfriend now . Anyway , he got me up in the Progressive Barn Dance . I progressed onto Paul O ' L and he said , I mentioned that at the last dance Benny Schneider was there . Well tonight both Benny and Byrant went . I danced with Bryant in the progressive barn dance and said hello but I didn 't think he recognized me . He obviously did because he asked me for a dance . The same way he always used to . It was the Rockabilly and he just kept looking and smiling at me . He used the same antics he did about 2 years ago and I said , " You 're still the same . " He just looked at me innocently and said , " Who ? Me ? " I think he liked it when I said that because he smiled at me even more . He 's got the most gorgeous crooked smile . Karina was angry with me a usual . My first two dances with Eric and Brad made her very angry and I didn 't know why until she said , " Not only do you steal one , but two ! " She still likes Brad and Eric . I didn 't know . I asked Paul about the letter and he said it must have been from someone else . I still don 't understand but it doesn 't bother me that much anymore . Paul also thanked me very much for the Christmas present I gave him . Overall the dance was fantastic , great , unreal , fun and I got plenty of attention from all the guys I wanted . That really made my day . ( Just in case you 're wondering , I like Brad the most . Definitely ! ! ) At least I did something again today rather than sit at home and be bored . I went into town with Mum . I didn 't see anyone I knew . I got more of my reading books for English . After Mum had finished her shopping I decided to get my hair cut . This was at quarter to one and the next appointment was for one - thirty , so we went up to Grandma 's . My cousin , Natasha , is up there at the moment . Anyway , when I went back to the hairdresser I said I wanted it different but I didn 't know how . So she just cut it shorter at the sides and trimmed it at the back . It 's not really very different but I like it anyway . I cut Geoff and Melissa 's tonight , too . So we all had a haircut today . Today we went visiting . We went to see a good friend of Mum 's since she was at school . Their names were Sharon and Errol Jones . They have 3 children , Paul , Belinda and Katrina . Paul , the oldest is the same age as Michelle , our youngest . We had dinner there and just got home at 11 : 30pm ! They live in Brisbane . They 're really lovely people . I didn 't really want to go but now I 'm glad I did . Katrina wasn 't there today . She was staying with a friend . They have a video and we hired " Mr Mom " . I 've seen it before at Ann 's birthday party . It 's very funny ( especially when it 's being rewound ) . Before we left , which was about 3 : 30 , I mainly read one of my books for English . I figure I won 't have much time to read them after school starts so I 'll read them now . Besides , I like reading . The painter came back to finish off today and brought his two , brat daughters with him . Talk about make themselves at home . We 've never even seen them before . They stayed inside , supposedly watching TV after we left , but Melissa thinks they may have gone through stuff in her room . I nearly fried alive today . It was boiling ! It must have reached 40o . Anyway , we solved that problem by going swimming . Aunty Kaye 's sister and her family are up for a few says . She has two boys , Scott & Andrew . They 're both younger than Geoff . Scott & Geoff are great mates . They came swimming with us too . I got a letter from Yoko today which has really got me confused . When I gave her her Christmas Card ( at school ) I had written on it " Sorry for all the trouble I cause you " at the term dance . But in the letter she said - " Anyway he ( Paul ) then gave me your New Year Card . So that 's mainly why I 'm writing to you now . Thank you so much for it . You are a very sweet friend . I know I 'll miss you in Japan . I don 't know why you gave it to Paul and why you said that you were sorry to have caused me trouble " etc , etc . I really can 't understand how my Christmas Card which I gave to her in person turned into a New Years Card given to her by Paul . I 'm really worried about it . How on earth did Paul get it . I 'm sure I gave it to her . I wouldn 't have given it to Paul , I 'm sure ! Today , of course , was New Year 's Day . I had a great time at Aunty Pat 's and Uncle Henry 's . We played computer games which is fun , then we went swimming in a creek near their place . It 's a really deep hole , like ours at the river . We also went to mass tonight at Littleview . In the past 2 weeks I 've been to mass 4 times . Joanne went but I didn 't get much chance to talk to her because another friend , Wendy Harvey , came over and started talking to me . I still have to get Joanne up but every time I ask Mum she just says , " Sometime . " I was an innocent country girl , living on a dairy farm with my parents , my younger brother and sister . My Nan and intellectually impaired uncle lived next door . And Dad 's older brother and his wife lived across the dirt track . The farm was owned and run by the extended family . I attended the local state high school . The social groups at that time were the popular kids , the ' brains ' , the dags , the rough kids & the indigenous kids . I wasn 't indigenous ; I was scared of the rough kids ; on the edge of the dags ; in with the brains ; and the popular kids rarely noticed me , let alone spoke to me . I thought I was unattractive and had fairly low self - esteem . When I began my diary I had never had a boyfriend , but I was dying to have one . I 'd never even kissed a boy ! |
Β© 1995 by Kelly Link . Previously published in CENTURY and in Kelly Link 's MAGIC FOR BEGINNERS ( Houghton Mifflin Harcourt ) . Used by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt . All rights reserved . Rachel Rook took Carroll home to meet her parents two months after she first slept with him . For a generous girl , a girl who took off her clothes with abandon , she was remarkably close - mouthed about some things . In two months Carroll had learned that her parents lived on a farm several miles outside of town ; that they sold strawberries in summer , and Christmas trees in the winter . He knew that they never left the farm ; instead , the world came to them in the shape of weekend picnickers and drive - by tourists . " Do you think your parents will like me ? " he said . He had spent the afternoon preparing for this visit as carefully as if he were preparing for an exam . He had gotten his hair cut , trimmed his nails , washed his neck and behind his ears . The outfit he had chosen , khaki pants and a blue button - down shirt - no tie - lay neatly folded on the bed . He stood before Rachel in his plain white underwear and white socks , gazing at her as if she were a mirror . " My father will like you , " she said . " But he likes everyone . My mother 's more particular - she thinks that you lack a serious nature . " Rachel snorted . Then she sighed in a way that seemed to suggest she was regretting her decision to take him home . " You 're ashamed of me , " he guessed , and Rachel kissed him and smiled and didn 't say anything . Rachel still lived on her parents ' farm , which made it all the more remarkable that she had kept Carroll and her parents apart for so long . It suggested a talent for daily organization that filled Carroll 's heart with admiration and lust . She was nineteen , two years younger than Carroll ; she was a student at Jellicoh College and every weekday she rose at seven and biked four miles into town , and then back again on her bike , four miles uphill to the farm . He looked up . The girl who stood before the tall desk was redheaded . Sunlight streaming in through a high window opposite her lit up the fine hairs on her arm , the embroidered flowers on the collar of her white shirt . The sunlight turned her hair to fire and Carroll found it difficult to look directly at her . " Can I help you ? " he said . She placed a shredded rectangle on the desk , and Carroll picked it up between his thumb and forefinger . Pages hung in tatters from the sodden blue spine . Title , binding , and covers had been gnawed away . " I need to pay for a damaged book , " she said . The farmhouse where Rachel lived had a wrap - around porch like an apron . It had been built on a hill , and looked down a long green slope of Christmas trees towards the town and Jellicoh College . It looked old - fashioned and a little forlorn . On one side of the house was a small barn , and behind the barn was an oval pond , dark and fringed with pine trees . It winked in the twilight like a glossy , lidless eye . The sun was rolling down the grassy rim of the hill towards the pond , and the exaggerated shadows of Christmas trees , long and pointed as witches ' hats , stitched black triangles across the purple - grey lawn . House , barn , and hill were luminous in the fleet purple light . Carroll parked the car in front of the barn and went around to Rachel 's side to hand her out . A muffled , ferocious breathing emanated from the barn , and the doors shuddered as if something inside was hurling itself repeatedly towards them , through the dark and airless space . There was a sour animal smell . " What 's in there ? " Carroll asked . There was a man sitting on the porch . He stood up as they approached the house and came forward to meet them . He was of medium build , and had pink - brown hair like his daughter . Rachel said , " Daddy , this is Carroll Murtaugh . Carroll , this is my daddy . " Mr . Rook had no nose . He shook hands with Carroll . His hand was warm and dry , flesh and blood . Carroll tried not to stare at Mr . Rook 's face . In actual fact , Rachel 's father did have a nose , which was carved out of what appeared to be pine . The nostrils of the nose were flared slightly , as if Mr . Rook were smelling something pleasant . Copper wire ran through the bridge of the nose , attaching it to the frame of a pair of glasses ; it nestled , delicate as a sleeping mouse , between the two lenses . " Nice to meet you , Carroll , " he said . " I understand that you 're a librarian down at the college . You like books , do you ? " His voice was deep and sonorous , as if he were speaking out of a well : Carroll was later to discover that Mr . Rook 's voice changed slightly , depending on which nose he wore . " Yes , sir , " Carroll said . Just to be sure , he looked back at Rachel . As he had thought , her nose was unmistakably the genuine article . He shot her a second accusatory glance . Why didn 't you tell me ? She shrugged . Mr . Rook said , " I don 't have anything against books myself . But my wife can 't stand ' em . Nearly broke her heart when Rachel decided to go to college . " Rachel stuck out her lower lip . " Why don 't you give your mother a hand , Rachel , setting the table , while Carroll and I get to know each other ? " Mr . Rook sat down on the porch steps and Carroll sat down with him . " She 's a beautiful girl , " Mr . Rook said . " Just like her mother . " " Yes sir , " Carroll said . " Beautiful . " He stared straight ahead and spoke forcefully , as if he had not noticed that he was talking to a man with a wooden nose . " Strawberries , too , " Mr . Rook said . " It 's a funny thing about strawberries and pine trees . People will pay you to let them dig up their own . They do all the work and then they pay you for it . They say the strawberries taste better that way , and they may be right . Myself , I can 't taste much anyway . " Carroll leaned back against the porch rail and listened to Mr . Rook speak . He sneaked sideways looks at Mr . Rook 's profile . From a few feet away , in the dim cast of the porch light , the nose had a homely , thoughtful bump to it : It was a philosopher 's nose , a questing nose . White moths large as Carroll 's hand pinwheeled around the porch light . They threw out tiny halos of dark and stirred up breaths of air with their wings , coming to rest on the porch screen , folding themselves into stillness like fans . Moths have no noses either , Carroll thought . " I can 't smell the pine trees either , " Mr . Rook said . " I have to appreciate the irony in that . You 'll have to forgive my wife , if she seems a bit awkward at first . She 's not used to strangers . " Rachel and her father looked at each other thoughtfully . " That 's great , " Rachel said . " You know what he 's really dying to ask , Daddy . Tell him about your collection of noses . " But Mr . Rook stood up , dusting off the seat of his pants . " I 'll go get them down . I almost wore a fancier one tonight , but it 's so windy tonight , and rather damp . I didn 't trust it not to rain . " He hurried off into the house . " A boy named Biederbecke bit it off , in a fight . " The alliteration evidently pleased her , because she said a little louder , " Biederbecke bit it off , when you were a boy . Isn 't that right , Daddy ? " The porch door swung open again , and Mr . Rook said , " Yes , but I don 't blame him , really I don 't . We were little boys and I called him a stinking Kraut . That was during the war , and afterwards he was very sorry . You have to look on the bright side of things - your mother would never have noticed me if it hadn 't had been for my nose . That was a fine nose . I modeled it on Abraham Lincoln 's nose , and carved it out of black walnut . " He set a dented black tackle box down next to Carroll , squatting beside it . " Look here . " The inside of the tackle box was lined with red velvet and the mild light of the October moon illuminated the noses , glowing as if a jeweler 's lamp had been turned upon them : noses made of wood , and beaten copper , tin , and brass . One seemed to be silver , veined with beads of turquoise . There were aquiline noses ; noses pointed like gothic spires ; noses with nostrils curled up like tiny bird claws . " Who made these ? " Carroll said . Carroll chose a nose that had been painted over with blue and pink flowers . It was glassy - smooth and light in his hand , like a blown eggshell . " It 's beautiful , " he said . " What 's it made out of ? " Rachel had straight reddish - brown hair that fell precisely to her shoulders and then stopped . Her eyes were fox - colored , and she had more small , even teeth than seemed absolutely necessary to Carroll . She smiled at him , and when she bent over the tackle box full of noses , Carroll could see the two wings of her shoulder blades beneath the thin cotton T - shirt , her vertebrae outlined like a knobby strand of coral . As they went in to dinner she whispered in his ear , " My mother has a wooden leg . " She led him into the kitchen to meet her mother . The air in the kitchen was hot and moist and little beads of sweat stood out on Mrs . Rook 's face . Rachel 's mother resembled Rachel in the way that Mr . Rook 's wooden nose resembled a real nose , as if someone had hacked Mrs . Rook out of wood or granite . She had large hands with long , yellowed fingernails , and all over her black dress were short black dog hairs . " So you 're a librarian , " she said to Carroll . She pulled him into a dining room with dark wood paneling and a long table set for four people . The long black hem of Mrs . Rook 's dress hissed along the floor as she pulled her chair into the table . Carroll sat down next to her . Was it the right or the left ? He tucked his feet under his chair . Both women were silent and Carroll was silent between them . Mr . Rook talked instead , filling in the awkward empty pause so that Carroll was glad that it was his nose and not his tongue that the Biederbecke boy had bitten off . How had she lost her leg ? Mrs . Rook watched Carroll with a cold and methodical eye as he ate , and he held Rachel 's hand under the table for comfort . He was convinced that her mother knew this and disapproved . He ate his pork and peas , balancing the peas on the blade of his knife . He hated peas . In between mouthfuls , he gulped down the pink wine in his glass . It was sweet and strong and tasted of burnt sugar . " Is this apple wine ? " he asked . " It 's delicious . " " It 's strawberry wine , " Mr . Rook said , pleased . " Have more . We make up a batch every year . I can 't taste it myself but it 's strong stuff . " Rachel filled Carroll 's empty glass and watched him drain it instantly . " If you 've finished , why don 't you let my mother take you to meet the dogs ? You look like you could use some fresh air . I 'll stay here and help Daddy do the dishes . Go on , " she said . " Go . " Mrs . Rook pushed her chair back from the table , pushed herself out of the chair . " Well , come on , " she said . " I don 't bite . " " Flower and Acorn , " she said , and flung open the barn door . Two Labradors , slippery as black trout in the moonlight , surged up at Carroll . They thrust their velvet muzzles at him , uttering angry staccato coughs , their rough breath steaming at his face . They were the size of small ponies and their paws left muddy prints on his shirt . Carroll pushed them back down , and they snapped at his hands . " Flower 's pregnant , " Mrs . Rook said . " We 've tried to breed them before , but it never took . Go for a run , girl . Go with her , Acorn . " The dogs loped off , moonlight spilling off their coats like water . Carroll watched them run ; the stale air of the barn washed over him , and under the bell of Mrs . Rook 's skirt he pictured the dark wood of the left leg , the white flesh of the right leg , like a pair of mismatched dice . Mrs . Rook drew in her breath . She said , " I don 't mind you sleeping with my daughter but you had better not get her pregnant . " On Friday , Carroll was shelving new books on the third floor . He stood , both arms lifted up to steady a wavering row of psychology periodicals . Someone paused in the narrow row , directly behind him , and a small cold hand insinuated itself into his trousers , slipping under the waistband of his underwear . " Rachel ? " he said , and the hand squeezed , slowly . He jumped and the row of books toppled off their shelf , like dominoes . He bent to pick them up , not looking at her . " I forgive you , " he said . " She swims down in the pond . She was walking back up to the house . She was barefoot . She sliced her foot open on something . By the time she went to see a doctor , she had septicemia and her leg had to be amputated just below the knee . Daddy made her a replacement out of walnut ; he said the prosthesis that the hospital wanted to give her looked nothing like the leg she 'd lost . It has a name carved on it . She used to tell me that a ghost lived inside it and helped her walk . I was four years old . " She didn 't look at him as she spoke , flicking the dust off the spine of a tented book with her long fingers . Two days after they had first met , Carroll was in the basement stacks . It was dark in the aisles , the tall shelves curving towards each other . The lights were controlled by timers , and went on and off untouched by human hand : There was the ominous sound of ticking as the timers clicked off row by row . Puddles of dirty yellow light wavered under his feet , the floor as slick as water . There was one other student on this floor , a boy who trod at Carroll 's heels , breathing heavily . Rachel was in a back corner , partly hidden by a shelving cart . " Goddammit , goddammit to hell , " she was saying , as she flung a book down . " Stupid book , stupid , useless , stupid , know - nothing books . " She kicked at the book several more times , and stomped on it for good measure . Then she looked up and saw Carroll and the boy behind him . " Oh , " she said . " You again . " " Nothing , " Rachel said . " I 'm just tired of reading stupid books about books about books . It 's ten times worse than my mother ever said . " She looked at him , weighing him up . She said , " Have you ever made love in a library ? " Rachel stripped off her woolly sweater , her blue undershirt . Underneath , her bare flesh burned . The lights clicked off two rows down , then the row beside Carroll , and he moved forward to find Rachel before she vanished . Her body was hot and dry , like a newly extinguished bulb . The first night , he had arranged a makeshift bed in the aisle between PR878W6B37 , Relative Creatures , and PR878W6B35 , Corrupt Relations . In the summer , the stacks had been much cooler than his un - air - conditioned room . He had hoped to woo her into his bed by the time the weather turned , but it was October already . Rachel pulled PR878W6A9 out to use as a pillow . " I thought you didn 't like books , " he said , trying to make a joke . " My mother doesn 't like books , " she said . " Or libraries . Which is a good thing . You don 't ever have to worry about her looking for me here . " When they made love , Rachel kept her eyes closed . Carroll watched her face , her body rocking beneath him like water . He closed his eyes , opening them quickly again , hoping to catch her looking back at him . Did he please her ? He pleased himself , and her breath quickened upon his neck . Her hands smoothed his body , moving restlessly back and forth , until he gathered them to himself , biting at her knuckles . Later he lay prone as she moved over him , her knees clasping his waist , her narrow feet cupped under the stirrups of his knees . They lay hinged together and Carroll squinted his eyes shut to make the Exit sign fuzzy in the darkness . He imagined that they had just made love in a forest , and the red glow was a campfire . He imagined they were not on the third floor of a library , but on the shore of a deep , black lake in the middle of a stand of tall trees . Carroll thought for a moment . " When I was a teenager , " he said , " I used to go into my room every day after school and masturbate . And my dog Sunny used to stand outside the door and whine . I 'd come in a handful of Kleenex , and afterward I never knew what to do with them . If I threw them in the wastebasket , my mother might notice them piling up . If I dropped them under the bed , then Sunny would sneak in later and eat them . It was a revolting dilemma , and every day I swore I wouldn 't ever do it again . " Rachel curled herself against him . " Well , when I was little , and I did something bad , my mother used to take off her wooden leg and spank me with it . When I got older , and started being asked out on dates , she would forbid me . She actually said I forbid you to go , just like a Victorian novel . I would wait until she took her bath after dinner , and steal her leg and hide it . And I would stay out as late as I wanted . When I got home , she was always sitting at the kitchen table , with the leg strapped back on . She always found it before I got home , but I always stayed away as long as I could . I never came home before I had to . " When I was little I hated her leg . It was like her other child , the obedient daughter . I was the one she had to spank . I thought the leg told her when I was bad , and I could feel it gloating whenever she punished me . I hid it from her in closets , or in the belly of the grandfather clock . Once I buried it out in the strawberry field because I knew it hated the dark : It was scared of the dark , like me . " Carroll eased away from her , rolling over on his stomach . The whole time she had been talking , her voice had been calm , her breath tickling his throat . Telling her about Sunny , the semen - eating dog , he had sprouted a cheerful little erection . Listening to her , it had melted away , and his balls had crept up his goose - pimpled thighs . Somewhere a timer clicked and a light turned off . " Let 's make love again , " she said , and seized him in her hand . He nearly screamed . In late November , Carroll went to the farm again for dinner . He parked just outside the barn , where , malignant and black as tar , Flower lolled on her side in the cold dirty straw . She was swollen and too lazy to do more than show him her teeth ; he admired them . " How pregnant is she ? " Carroll asked Mr . Rook , who had emerged from the barn . " She 's due any day , " Mr . Rook said . " The vet says there might be six puppies in there . " Today he wore a tin nose , and his words had a distinct echo , whistling out double shrill , like a teakettle on the boil . " Would you like to see my workshop ? " he said . " Okay , " Carroll said . The barn smelled of gasoline and straw , old things congealing in darkness ; it smelled of winter . Along the right inside wall , there were a series of long hooks , and depending from them were various pointed and hooked tools . Below was a table strewn with objects that seemed to have come from the city dump : bits of metal ; cigar boxes full of broken glass sorted according to color ; a carved wooden hand , jointed and with a dime - store ring over the next - to - last finger . Carroll picked it up , surprised at its weight . The joints of the wooden fingers clicked as he manipulated them , the fingers long and heavy and perfectly smooth . He put it down again . " It 's very nice , " he said and turned around . Through the thin veil of sunlight and dust that wavered in the open doors , Carroll could see a black glitter of water . " Where 's Rachel ? " " She went to find her mother , I 'll bet . They 'll be down by the pond . Go and tell them it 's dinner time . " Mr . Rook looked down at the black and rancorous Flower . " Six puppies ! " he remarked , in a sad little whistle . Carroll went down through the slanted grove of Christmas trees . At the base of the hill was a circle of twelve oaks , their leaves making a thick carpet of gold . The twelve trees were spaced evenly around the perimeter of the pond , like the numbers on a clock face . Carroll paused under the eleven o ' clock oak , looking at the water . He saw Rachel in the pond , her white arm cutting through the gaudy leaves that clung like skin , bringing up black droplets of water . Carroll stood in his corduroy jacket and watched her swim laps across the pond . He wondered how cold the water was . Then he realized that it wasn 't Rachel in the pond . Rachel sat on a quilt on the far side of the pond , under the six o ' clock oak . Acorn sat beside her , looking now at the swimmer , now at Carroll . Rachel and her mother were both oblivious to his presence , Mrs . Rook intent on her exercise , Rachel rubbing linseed oil into her mother 's wooden leg . The wind carried the scent of it across the pond . The dog stood , stiff - legged , fixing Carroll in its dense liquid gaze . It shook itself , sending up a spray of water like diamonds . " Cut it out , Acorn ! " Rachel said without looking up . All the way across the pond , Carroll felt the drops of water fall on him , cold and greasy . He felt himself turning to stone with fear . He was afraid of the leg that Rachel held in her lap . He was afraid that Mrs . Rook would emerge from her pond , and he would see the space where her knee hung above the ground . He backed up the hill slowly , almost falling over a small stone marker at the top . As he looked at it , the dog came running up the path , passing him without a glance , and after that , Rachel , and her mother , wearing the familiar black dress . The ground was slippery with leaves and Mrs . Rook leaned on her daughter . Her hair was wet and her cheeks were as red as leaves . " Let me explain . You can lie to water - you can say no , I 'm not in love , I don 't need love , and you can be lying - how is the water supposed to know that you 're lying ? It can 't tell if you 're in love or not , right ? Water 's not that smart . So you fool the water into thinking you 'd never dream of falling in love , and when you 're thirsty , you drink it . " " Don 't be silly , " Mr . Rook said . " He can stay here and we 'll get someone in the morning . Besides , it 's going to rain soon . " " He 'll stay in the back room , " Mrs . Rook said . " Come and have another glass of wine before you go to bed , Carroll . " She grinned at him in what might have been a friendly fashion , except that at some point after dinner , she had removed her dentures . Rachel brought him a pair of her father 's pajamas and led him off to the room where he was to sleep . The room was small and plain and the only beautiful thing in it was Rachel , sitting on a blue and scarlet quilt . " Who made this ? " he said . " My mother did , " Rachel said . " She 's made whole closetsful of quilts . It 's what she used to do while she waited for me to get home from a date . Now get in bed . " She stuck a long piece of hair in her mouth , and sucked on it , staring at him without blinking . He tried again . " How come you never spend the night at my apartment ? " Carroll yawned , and gave up . " Yes , " he said and Rachel kissed him goodnight . It was a long , thoughtful kiss . She turned out the light and went down the hall to her own bedroom . Carroll rolled on his side and fell asleep and dreamed that Rachel came back in the room and stood naked in the moonlight . Then she climbed in bed with him and they made love and then Mrs . Rook came into the room . She beat at them with her leg as they hid under the quilt . She struck Rachel and turned her into wood . Carroll discovered that if he said " I love you , " to Rachel , she would say " I love you too , " in an absentminded way . But she still refused to come to his apartment , and because it was colder now , they made love during the day , in the storage closet on the third floor . Sometimes he caught her watching him now , when they made love . The look in her eyes was not quite what he had hoped it would be , more shrewd than passionate . But perhaps this was a trick of the cold winter light . Sometimes , now that it was cold , Rachel let Carroll drive her home from school . The sign beside the Rooks ' driveway now said , " Get your Christmas Trees early . " Beneath that it said , " Adorable black Lab Puppies free to a Good home . " But no one wanted a puppy . This was understandable ; already the puppies had the gaunt , evil look of their parents . They spent their days catching rats in the barn , and their evenings trailing like sullen shadows around the black skirts of Mrs . Rook . They tolerated Mr . Rook and Rachel ; Carroll they eyed hungrily . Carroll gave Rachel a wooden bird on a gold chain for Christmas , and the complete works of Jane Austen . She gave him a bottle of strawberry wine and a wooden box , with six black dogs painted on the lid . They had fiery red eyes and red licorice tongues . " My father carved it , but I painted it , " she said . Rachel shrugged . The library was closed for the weekend , and they sat on the dingy green carpet in the deserted lounge . The rest of the staff was on break , and Mr . Cassatti , Carroll 's supervisor , had asked Carroll to keep an eye on things . There had been some complaints , he said , of vandalism in the past few weeks . Books had been knocked off their shelves , or disarranged , and even more curious , a female student claimed to have seen a dog up on the third floor . It had growled at her , she said , and then slunk off into the stacks . Mr . Cassatti , when he had gone up to check , had seen nothing . Not so much as a single hair . He wasn 't worried about the dog , Mr . Cassatti had said , but some books had been discovered , the pages ripped out . Maimed , Mr . Cassatti had said . Rachel handed Carroll one last parcel . It was wrapped in a brown paper bag , and when he opened it , a blaze of scarlet and cornflower blue spilled out onto his lap . " My mother made you a quilt just like the one in the spare bedroom , " Rachel said . " I told her you thought it was pretty . " " It 's beautiful , " Carroll said . He snapped the quilt out , so that it spread across the library floor , as if they were having a picnic . He tried to imagine making love to Rachel beneath a quilt her mother had made . " Does this mean that you 'll make love with me in a bed ? " He looked around to see if anyone else had heard her , but of course they were alone . " That 's impossible , " he said . " You 're on the pill . " Carroll dropped his own eyes , ashamed of himself and not quite sure why . He took a deep breath . " What I meant to say , Rachel , is I love you very much and would you please marry me ? " Rachel pulled her hand away from him . She said in a low angry voice , " What do you think this is , Carroll ? Do you think this is a book ? Is this supposed to be the happy ending - we get married and live happily ever after ? " She got up , and he stood up too . He opened his mouth , and nothing came out , so he just followed her as she walked away . She stopped so abruptly that he almost fell against her . " Let me ask you a question first , " she said , and turned to face him . " What would you choose , love or water ? " Carroll thought about it during the car ride . He came to the conclusion that it was a silly question , and that if he didn 't answer it correctly , Rachel wasn 't going to marry him . He wasn 't entirely sure that he wanted to give the correct answer , even if he knew what it was . He said , " I love you , Rachel . " He swallowed and he could hear the snow coming down , soft as feathers on the roof and windshield of the car . In the two beams of the headlights the road was dense and white as an iced cake , and in the reflected snow - light Rachel 's face was a beautiful greenish color . " Will you marry me anyway ? I don 't know how you want me to choose . " Rachel looked at him . It was hard to read her expression , but she sounded resigned . " Have you ever even broken a bone ? Do you ever have to stop for red lights ? " " Okay , okay , " he snapped . " My life is pretty easy . I 've gotten everything I ever wanted for Christmas , too . And I want you to marry me , so of course you 're going to say yes . " He reached out , put his arms around her . She sat brittle and stiff in the circle of his embrace , her face turned into his jacket . " Rachel - " " So tell me , how hard has your life been ? " Carroll said . " You 've got your nose , and both your legs . What do you know about losing things ? " " I haven 't told you everything , " Rachel said and slipped out of the car . " You don 't know everything about me . " Then she slammed the car door . He watched her cross the driveway and go up the hill into the snow . Carroll called in sick all the next week . The heating unit in his apartment wasn 't working , and the cold made him sluggish . He thought about going in to the library , just to be warm , but instead he spent most of his time under the quilt that Mrs . Rook had made , hoping to dream about Rachel . He dreamed instead about being devoured by dogs , about drowning in icy black water . He lay in his dark room , under the weight of the scarlet quilt , when he wasn 't asleep , and held long conversations in his head with Rachel , about love and water . He told her stories about his childhood ; she almost seemed to be listening . He asked her about the baby and she told him she was going to name it Ellen if it was a girl . When he took his own temperature on Wednesday , the thermometer said he had a fever of 103 , so he climbed back into bed . When he woke up on Thursday morning , he found short black hairs covering the quilt , which he knew must mean that he was hallucinating . He fell asleep again and dreamed that Mr . Rook came to see him . Mr . Rook was a black Lab . He was wearing a plastic Groucho Marx nose . He and Carroll stood beside the black lake that was on the third floor of the library . " No , really , " the dog insisted . It leaned its head on Carroll 's knee , still looking up at him . " We like to look on the bright side of things . You have to do that , you know . " " Now , is that looking on the bright side of things ? " said the dog . " Scratch a little to the right . Rachel has a hard time , like her mother . Be patient with her . " " Who says anyone gets to choose anything ? You said you picked water , but there 's good water and there 's bad water . Did you ever think about that ? " the dog said . " I have a much better question for you . Are you a good dog or a bad dog ? " But when he got there , no one was there . The sight of the leftover Christmas trees , tall and gawky as green geese , made him feel homesick . Little clumps of snow like white flowers were melting in the gravel driveway . The dogs were not in the barn and he hoped that Mrs . Rook had taken them down to the pond . He walked up to the house , and knocked on the door . If either of Rachel 's parents came to the door , he would stand his ground and demand to see their daughter . He knocked again , but no one came . The house , shuttered against the snow , had an expectant air , as if it were waiting for him to say something . So he whispered , " Rachel ? Where are you ? " The house was silent . " Rachel , I love you . Please come out and talk to me . Let 's get married - we 'll elope . You steal your mother 's leg , and by the time your father carves her a new one , we 'll be in Canada . We could go to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon - we could take your mother 's leg with us , if you want - Ellen , I mean - we 'll take Ellen with us ! " Carroll heard a delicate cough behind him as if someone were clearing their throat . He turned and saw Flower and Acorn and their six enormous children sitting on the gravel by the barn , next to his car . Their fur was spiky and wet , and they curled their black lips at him . Someone in the house laughed . Or perhaps it was the echo of a splash , down at the pond . One of the dogs lifted its head and bayed at him . " Hey , " he said . " Good dog ! Good Flower , good Acorn ! Rachel , help ! " She had been hiding behind the front door . She slammed it open and came out onto the porch . " My mother said I should just let the dogs eat you , " she said . " If you came . " She looked tired ; she wore a shapeless woolen dress that looked like one of her mother 's . If she really was pregnant , Carroll couldn 't see any evidence yet . " Do you always listen to your mother ? " he said . " Don 't you love me ? " " When I was born , " she said . " I was a twin . My sister 's name was Ellen . When we were seven years old , she drowned in the pond - I lost her . Don 't you see ? People start out losing small things , like noses . Pretty soon you start losing other things too . It 's sort of an accidental leprosy . If we got married , you 'd find out . " Carroll heard someone coming up the path from the pond , up through the thin ranks of Christmas trees . The dogs pricked up their ears , but their black eyes stayed fastened to Carroll . " You 'd better hurry , " Rachel said . She escorted him past the dogs to his car . " That 's not a good idea , " she said . The dogs watched him leave , crowding close around her , their black tails whipping excitedly . He went home and in a very bad temper , he picked up the quilt to inspect it . He was looking for the black hairs he had seen that morning . But of course there weren 't any . The next day he went back to the library . He was lifting books out of the overnight collection box , when he felt something that was neither rectangular nor flat . It was covered in velvety fur , and damp . He felt warm breath steaming on his hand . It twisted away when he tried to pick it up , and when he reached out for it again , it snarled at him . He backed away from the collection box , and a long black dog wriggled out of the box after him . Two students stopped to watch what was happening . " Go get Mr . Cassatti , please , " Carroll said to one of them . " His office is around the corner . " " Good dog ? " Carroll said , and held out his hand . " Flower ? " The dog lunged forward and , snapping its jaws shut , bit off his pinky just below the fingernail . The student screamed . Carroll stood still and looked down at his right hand , which was slowly leaking blood . The sound that the dog 's jaw had made as it severed his finger had been crisp and businesslike . The dog stared at Carroll in a way that reminded him of Rachel 's stare . " Give me back my finger , " Carroll said . The dog growled and backed away . " We have to catch it , " the student said . " So they can reattach your finger . Shit , what if it has rabies ? " " In the corner over there , " Carroll said . " It bit off my finger . " He held up his hand for Mr . Cassatti to see , but Mr . Cassatti was looking towards the corner and shaking his head . The two students hovered , loudly insisting that they had both seen the dog a moment ago , while Mr . Cassatti tended to Carroll . The floor in the corner was sticky and wet , as if someone had spilled a Coke . There was no sign of the dog . Mr . Cassatti took Carroll to the hospital , where the doctor at the hospital gave him a shot of codeine , and tried to convince him that it would be a simple matter to reattach the fingertip . " How ? " Mr . Cassatti said . " He says the dog ran away with it . " The doctor raised his eyebrows . " A dog in a library ? This looks like he stuck his finger under a paper cutter . The cut is too tidy - a dog bite would be a mess . Didn 't anyone bring the finger ? " " The dog ate it , " Carroll said . " Mrs . Rook said the dog would eat me , but it stopped . I don 't think it liked the way I tasted . " Mr . Cassatti and the doctor went out into the hall to discuss something . Carroll stood at the door and waited until they had turned towards the nurses ' station . He opened the door and snuck down the hallway in the opposite direction and out of the hospital . It was a little hard , walking on the ground - the codeine seemed to affect gravity . When he walked , he bounced . When walking got too difficult , he climbed in a taxi and gave the driver the address of the Rook farm . His hand didn 't hurt at all ; he tried to remember this , so he could tell Rachel . They had bound up his hand in white gauze bandages , and it looked like someone else 's hand entirely . Under the white bandages , his hand was pleasantly warm . His skin felt stretched , tight and thin as a rubber glove . He felt much lighter : it might take a while , but he thought he could get the hang of losing things ; it seemed to come as easily to him as everything else did . Carroll thought maybe Rachel and he would get married down by the pond , beneath the new leaves of the six o ' clock oak tree . Mr . Rook could wear his most festive nose , the one with rose - velvet lining , or perhaps the one painted with flowers . Carroll remembered the little grave at the top of the path that led to the pond - not the pond , he decided - they should be married in a church . Maybe in a library . " Are you sure you 'll be okay ? " the driver said . Carroll shook his head , yes , he was sure . He watched the taxi drive away , waving the hand with the abbreviated finger . Mrs . Rook could make her daughter a high - waisted wedding dress , satin and silk and lace , moth - pale , and there would be a cake with eight laughing dogs made out of white frosting , white as snow . For some reason he had a hard time making the church come out right . It kept changing , church into library , library into black pond . The windows were high and narrow and the walls were wet like the inside of a well . The aisle kept changing , the walls getting closer , becoming stacks of books , dark , velvety waves . He imagined standing at the altar with Rachel - black water came up to their ankles as if their feet had been severed . He thought of the white cake again : if he sliced into it , darkness would gush out like ink . He shook his head , listening . There was a heavy dragging noise , coming up the side of the hill through the Christmas trees . It would be a beautiful wedding and he considered it a lucky thing that he had lost his pinky and not his ring finger . You had to look on the bright side after all . He went down toward the pond , to tell Rachel this . |
On the day Cheyenne disappeared , two out - of - the - ordinary things happened . I got a flat tire , and I asked Beth Woodall for help with trig . At least , that 's what I told the police . Of course , that morning , I didn 't know she was missing . I kept texting her for a ride , and when she didn 't answer , I had to walk , which made me late . I pretty much stayed mad at her for the rest of the day because she ditched without me . I wasn 't worried until after my last class , when Mrs . L texted . She needed a fill - in babysitter because Cheyenne didn 't show . It was unusual for her to miss work . She moved in with Billy six months ago and paid her bills by babysitting and cleaning houses after school and on weekends . With all that time spent in other people 's homes , she had plenty of everybody 's dirt under her fingernails . And , she spread it liberally my way . I was pretty careful about the information , but knowing people 's secrets , especially adults ' secrets , put me at a definite advantage . Anyway , she needed the money more than most teens . Maddie was sitting on the porch steps waiting for me . She is so darn cute ! Her hair is all brown and long and curly , and she has this little round face that always makes me just want to hug her and make sure she 's safe . " I am so glad you could come on such short notice . " Mrs . L rushed past me to the car . " I 'll be back in a few hours . " Mrs . L didn 't get back until after eleven . Since we live in a safe neighborhood , I didn 't ask for a ride . I walked about a block and a half when I heard this shushing sound behind me , kind of like an animal walking through leaves . I ignored it at first ; a dog or a cat would either overtake me or veer off on the trail of some interesting smell . The noise followed me across the street . Not one house had a light in the window . Elderly people live on this block , and they all go to bed early . Turning around to see what was back there scared me . Any change of pace might trigger an attack . I pulled out my phone , turned on the mirror app . The angle wasn 't right , so I moved it until it reflected the sidewalk behind me . I froze . The thing got larger and larger as it dragged toward me . A skinny arm reached toward my leg . That 's when I started running . My terrified face looked up under my index finger as it frantically moving over the smooth cell screen . I couldn 't get it off the mirror app . The phone slipped out of my hand and clattered on the concrete . I hesitated , bent down to pick it up . The shuffle sounded close , the beat of its movements steadily increasing . I realized grabbing it would forfeit my thin advantage . I ran . I tried to scream but no sound came out . I wouldn 't make it . The thing was too fast . I could hear it shuffling faster and faster to match my reckless pace . I could see my house now . I wanted so much to be safe inside . Only a few more yards . A short , an impossible distance . The front door seemed to move further away the more I ran . And the thing almost had me . I took the steps two at a time to Sadie 's room and turned on the light . I paused long enough to make sure she was still breathing , then I ran to the window and locked it . I checked under her bed and inside her closet . They did the downstairs while I did the upstairs . I did my room last , wrapped a blanket around myself , sat on the bed , and shook . Mom and Dad came in a few minutes later . Mrs . L called Mom early in the morning to see if I could take over the before and after school babysitting . As I retraced the previous night 's path to her house , I carried a can of hairspray , just in case . With my luck , the thing would be wearing goggles . The sidewalk looked different in the morning , and I wondered if I 'd just let my imagination take over . I was disappointed that I couldn 't find my phone . After school , as I walked to babysit , I planned : play with Maddie , put whatever the Nanny pre - made for supper in the oven , have my first tutoring session with Beth . I 'm not sure how long he 'd been walking just behind me before I noticed . This time , I swung around , hairspray at the ready . He was the kind of guy I don 't normally find attractive . Long hair , so black it had to have been dyed , hung in swathes around his head . Through the bangs , I could just see dark eyes made darker by thick black eyeliner painted around the lids . Miniature silver rings perforated his nose and lip . A large plug hollowed out his left earlobe . Black clothes and skinny jeans made his slender body appear even skinnier than it probably was . He grinned , and I melted . The next day , when looked around school for him . I caught a few of glimpses . Before the first warning bell , he balanced on a knee by a locker talking to Gimpy Trish . He passed me in the hall a couple of times , but there 're so many kids , he didn 't see me . I spotted him sitting in the far corner of the lunch room . He blended in with the other kids at his table . I 'd probably looked at him a million times but never really seen him . Once , he glanced up from his sandwich and tilted his head at me . I looked away . After school , I kind of meandered in the yard , pretending to talk to friends , really waiting for him . I messed around as long as I could and then started toward my job . After about a block , he caught up with me . His voice in my ear made me jump . " Still no car ? " He shoved me back . When I slid sideways , his hand caught mine and pulled me to balance . His grip felt good : firm and protective . He let go before I did . Beth was sitting with Maddie on the front porch . Maddie came running to meet me and grabbed my jeans with her little fingers . He walked off without saying anything . " Don 't you watch the news ? " Beth was clearly exasperated by my lack of interest in current events . " It started about six months ago . The police are waiting for him to make a mistake . " When I thought about all the stuff Cheyenne had told me , my chest felt heavy . Until now , I hadn 't been that worried about her . She probably just took off to think . But , what if she 'd accidentally hit a button on the Griffon 's computer when she found out about their little side business . Or what if she hadn 't put what she found in the Taylor 's closet back exactly where and how she found it . He started walking again . The silence gave me time to think about what I did . Before school , Gimpy Trish always sits at the lockers just inside the door . Last year , a group of boys stood around , asking her to homecoming and mock - fighting over who she 'd pick . She didn 't know they were making fun of her . Her face beamed at the prospect of having a date . I don 't know why , but I got so mad . I walked right in the middle of them , said , " Hey , Trish , how 's it going ? " and gave her a knuckle bump . She told me how she would have a date to homecoming . After that , I gave her a knuckle bump every morning in the hall . I was surprised when other kids started doing it . Then , she sat with me at lunch . When she eats , she spits little food particles and chews with her mouth open . I get a little nauseous . My friends don 't like it , but they tolerate her because I do . I think the lunch ladies ran interference , because after the first week , they only let her sit with me once in a while . " I don 't think you know me well enough to insult me like that . " His voice was solemn , but he gave me that stomach twisting grin again . My face got hot ; and I got embarrassed which made skin even redder . I walked a little ahead of him so he couldn 't see how much I liked him . " Just , be careful . This isn 't that far from downtown , and you know how people get . " He jerked his head to toss the hair from his eyes . Their beautiful , soft brown showed concern . Bang , Bang , Bang , a shadowy figure slammed its fist on the screen wall . Maddie screeched and dropped the mirror which shattered into tiny shards . I picked her up and ran into the living room . Without putting her down , I locked the door to the porch . After I was sure all the windows and doors were locked , I sat on the couch and held her . I was too afraid to turn on the television or do anything that might create enough noise to block the sounds of an intruder . We were still there when Mrs . L got home a few hours later . When I got back to her house early next morning , I wondered if I should just pack some clothes and move in . I felt braver in the daylight ; last night 's intruder was probably some drunk that thought scaring us would be fun . Maddie and I sat on the picnic table in the back yard and colored . I didn 't think I would see him again , at least not alone . Dad got my tire fixed . I wanted to pretend it was still flat , but that wouldn 't be honest . I 'd messed up one other relationship by pretending things were one way when they were another , and I didn 't want to do that again . Besides , I knew from experience that if he wanted to be with me , he 'd find a way . If he didn 't , he wasn 't worth the effort , no matter how much I 'd miss him . I was more than a little surprised when he showed up at my house Monday after school . Mom let him in . He was sitting at the table eating cookies and drinking milk when I came downstairs . " The mirror . " He said it matter - of - fact , kind - of like if he 'd told me the speed limit in town is 35 . " When he got Cheyenne , I was pulled through . I need you to leave town so I can take care of it . " This time I started running . By the time I got home , I was crying . I didn 't know if I was upset because he turned out to be such a lunatic or because he didn 't chase after me and beg me to believe him . " Nothing . " I practically ran to the bathroom , locked the door , and leaned against it . This was silly . I could step outside the situation and see that . There was no Largarus and getting pulled through a mirror was impossible . I wet a washcloth and forced myself to watch while I wiped my face clean . " I 'm right here . " Beth walked in from the screened in porch . " Just because I 'm not as pretty as you , doesn 't give you the right to treat me like I 'm nothing . " I carried her over to the compact . I couldn 't bring myself to touch it . I kicked it in Beth 's direction . " Don 't let the door hit you in the behind on the way out . " I thought about what happened for a long time . I could usually walk all over Beth . She 'd just duck her head and take it . Her self - esteem was less than zero . She was actually very pretty . She just didn 't have the self - confidence it takes for other people to see it . Something had to have motivated her to stand up to me . " I wrote it on the calendar . " I pointed to the wipe - off board on the frig . " I won 't be babysitting this week after today . " I couldn 't believe she was firing me . She looked like she was waiting for something : me to lose my temper , cry , tell her off ? I decided to be classy . " I 'm sorry you feel that way . You can mail me my last check . " " Largarus , pulls through a soul . That one goes through because it wants to . Then , it has to steal six other souls in order to get what it wants . The ones it steals are stuck there . " " Different for each person . If Mrs . L can 't steal the sixth by the deadline , Maddie . . . " He looked out the window , patiently giving me the time I needed to think . He stretched and pushed a button on the door . The window opened an inch or two . Cool air flowed into the car . " He 's never done . " " Too much tele , " he said , mocking me . " Anyway , Largarus can pull people through ; Tristen can send ones originating from the mirror out , but not many . It throws off the balance if too many of us come through on this side . " He held a shining disk with a jewel imbedded in the side . It hung on a thickly braided chord . It looked like he bought it at a craft store and decorated it with his little sister 's Bedazzle set . He looked so earnest and pleased that I didn 't want to hurt his feelings . I decided to be diplomatic and say what I said to Maddie when she brought me a picture and I didn 't know what it was . " Tell me about it . " " Number One , you wouldn 't have worn it . And Number Two , it would have forfeited my advantage . If Mrs . L saw it , she 'd know I figured it out , and she 'd have moved faster . Now that she knows , it doesn 't matter . " He got out of the car so fast , the door slammed before I realized what was happening . He walked toward one of the bins . I followed . " What ? " " It 's soon , then , not tonight , but soon . She doesn 't want to risk another girl connected with her disappearing . She 'll lay low for a week at most , then take you . " He didn 't answer , but I felt his fingers tentatively touching mine , asking . I answered by running my index finger along the back of his hand and caressing the inside of his wrist . He laced his fingers through mine and leaned toward me . I reached up and pushed the hair out of his eyes . They tugged at me , pulling me closer . He brushed my lips with his , softly , then with more pressure . His tongue was definitely pierced . He laughed a little . " No . The ones from the other side can 't see everything on your side , just like you can 't see everything on theirs . If there is someone on the other side you 're connected with , like Cheyenne , you might be able to see each other . " This time when we kissed , it was a lingering kiss so soft and sweet that I didn 't want to go . He moved away first . " See ya , " he said . And he was gone . Harper and I spent every spare minute together after that . Mom and Dad were pretty good about letting him stay at our house . They made him leave around 9 : 00 p . m . every night . I think he 's the first boyfriend they really liked . Probably because he invited them to play cards with us , and helped Mom and me clean up the dishes , and admired my dad 's hunting stuff . He also helped me with trig . I 'd tried to apologize to Beth one more time , but she wasn 't buying it . Harper left later than usual that night . Mom and dad got it in their heads to watch every embarrassing home movie with me in it . I didn 't mind as much because it kept him with me longer . Well after ten , my parents gave him the signal to leave . I was tired because I went to sleep right away , without checking under my bed or in my closet like I usually did . Sometime in the night , I woke up with something pressing on my chest . Jagged clamps around my wrists and ankles kept me from moving . A horrid smell filled my nose , and cold liquid rolled down my neck . My dresser mirror sat to my right . When I turned my head , I saw myself . A dark shape crouched on top of me . Spindly legs angled up from a long , segmented body and down again to split at the bottom into zagged clamps , holding me in place . The shoulders and torso dwarfed the disproportionately small head that nuzzled at my neck . It must have sensed when I stopped struggling because the face turned toward the mirror , and I screamed . I saw Beth 's face attached to that insectoid body . Her stringy hair was pulled back so tightly from her pale skin that her lids slanted up , narrowing her eyes to slits . Drool slid from her mouth and dangled in beaded strands to my neck . I pushed against the spikey constraints sawing into my skin . " Make her leave , or I 'll drop on her , " Beth 's voice rasped . It crept sideways up the wall and hung on the ceiling . I could see it in my mirror . Sadie peeked around the door . Her stuffed bunny rested in the crook of her arm . She took her thumb out of her mouth long enough to say , " You alright ? " The thing stretched its skin back from its teeth until it looked like a screaming baboon . Foamy spittle gathered on the bottom lip and dripped , almost landing on the toe of the pink footie pajamas . I forced myself to focus . " Yeah , bad dream . " It clip - clapped swiftly along the wall toward me . I tried to hit it , but in the mirror , things are opposite , so I kept hitting the air . It grabbed my necklace . My neck jerked down with the force of the tug . The thing let out a frustrated sneer . I managed to pull free and crawled over the bed , the sheets tangling my arms . It grabbed one of my feet , and I kicked the other one straight back . It slid sideways on the slick shell , but I was able to move again . I ran through the door and down the hall . My eyes focused on the stairs . If I could just make it to the stairs . I glanced at the wall directly in front of me . An antique mirror reflected Sadie standing outside my room . I looked back into an empty hallway . I looked forward . In the mirror , Sadie stood holding Mr . Bun and sucking her thumb . Tears formed in her eyes , and her shoulders started to shake . " I want mommy ! " That did it , I walked backward toward her . Somehow , on her way to her room , Sadie had been trapped in the mirror . If I could get close enough , maybe I could , what ? I became aware of the wet around my neck . The necklace . I could take off the necklace and put it on her . Maybe that would get her out of the mirror . I moved faster . Walking backward while looking in the hall mirror got my feet tangled , and I fell . Something jumped on top of me . My nervous system took over . I flung my arms and rolled aside . Somehow , I got back to my feet and started running . In the mirror , Sadie 's little body rotated over into a backbend . Her head turned right side up , and she crab - walked after me . This sight had paralyzed me on the sidewalk , but now , it gave me an adrenaline rush . I got to the stairs . Mom was standing at the bottom . " Beth has no idea why you have turned into a paranoid freak . It was one of the souls . Mrs . L gave it Beth and Sadie 's image to use . " " I know . " He picked up a maple leaf that landed at his feet . It twirled between his fingers in a dizzy orange whirl . " I 'm impressed you got away . I couldn 't see you from my side , but it looked like you put up one heck of a fight . " " I lied , " he admitted . I sat up , but he averted his eyes even more so I couldn 't see . " The truth is , I didn 't want to . The rule is soul for soul . I can pull her through if I go back , permanently . " We knew it would be wrong for him to stay . I missed my best friend . But neither of us wanted him to go back through . The next morning was Saturday . We decided to find her then . I took the mirrors out of all of the upstairs rooms and slept on the floor next to Sadie 's bed that night . " Oh , no thank you , " I said . " I hate to ask , but there 's this picture of us Cheyenne had , from when we were little . I was hoping you 'd let us look for it . " Mrs . Pelter sighed . " I locked her room up the day she moved out . No one 's been in there since . I was hoping she 'd move back after a while . " I don 't understand why adults bring up uncomfortable issues with kids . I mean , what do they expect us to answer ? I knew how things were between Cheyenne and her mom , and I didn 't have any comfort for her . Harper and I shuffled our feet and waited . When we didn 't say anything , Mrs . Pelter started toward the back of the house . " When you 're done , stay for snacks . It 's been so long since I 've seen you , Kelsey . I 'd like to catch up . " Mrs . Pelter opened the door and retreated back down the hall . Harper and I stepped inside . Dusty light shone through the blinds onto the bed and furniture . The mirror hung on the wall next to the closet . " Not sure . She can 't go to Billy 's , or your house . Usually they go someplace familiar . If she can stay hidden most of the time , she 's probably here . " " I don 't either , " he whispered . He held me for a long time . Finally , he said , " We 'd better get started before Mrs . Pelter comes back . " I put my face against the mirror and said , " Cheyenne , are you there ? " My breath fogged the glass . My nose looked all smashed in and distorted . " See anything ? " I asked without moving . I pressed my ear against the image , but I couldn 't hear anything . I didn 't realize until that moment how much I 'd missed her , and I didn 't realize until that moment , how much losing Harper was going to hurt . I put myself in front of the mirror , blocking it . Cheyenne pounded on the mirror . Her eyes pleaded with me to free her . Harper took a step back . The footsteps got closer . I thought , just under the sound , I could hear a rhythmic shushing . Cheyenne 's eyes became wide with fear . She could see something we couldn 't . Time slowed to almost a stop . The doorknob started to turn . Harper took two running steps . I pulled the necklace off and charged at him , wrapping my hands around his waist . If he couldn 't stay here with me , I would go through with him . We crashed into the mirror , and it splintered into a million tiny pieces . Help me get the word out . Please share this story on your social media ( Buttons are below . ) and tell your friends about it . Help me reach 1 , 000 " Likes . " Please " Like " my author page on Facebook at Facebook / authorcatherinehackman and then please invite your friends to do so . Click to share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Click to email this to a friend ( Opens in new window ) 14 thoughts on " Pieces Part One ~ Not Your Ordinary Trip Through the Looking Glass " Buffy Tillitt - Pratt says : October 12 , 2013 at 10 : 49 pm That was such a good story ! I don 't ever read fiction because I feel that only non fiction is proper use of my time . Ha how long does it take for you to write something that imaginative ? Reply catherine says : October 13 , 2013 at 1 : 09 am I am so glad you like it , Buffy . The amount of time depends for each story . This one is a conglomeration of a lot of pieces of stories that have been floating around in my thoughts for a while . Reply Cathy Megginson says : October 13 , 2013 at 1 : 41 am Hi , I 'm Buffy 's sister . I very much enjoyed your story . There was not a date to correspond to the two weeks so I 'm anxiously waiting the next installment . Reply catherine says : October 13 , 2013 at 1 : 58 am I 'm glad you liked it . Thank you so much for reading . I didn 't think about giving a date . It is Friday , October 25 . Reply catherine says : October 15 , 2013 at 1 : 05 pm Thank you , Kim . And my family all enjoyed your cheeseburger stuffed baked potatoes ( Here 's a link for anyone interested : http : / / alittlelunch . com / 2013 / 02 / 21 / a - foodie - love - story - cheeseburger - stuffed - baked - potatoes / attachment / 7203 / ) last night . They were fast , easy , and healthy - which is what I 'm aiming for right now . Reply Ana says : November 2 , 2013 at 10 : 50 pm This is truly amazing ! I love it ! The details are very vibrant , and it makes me want to read even more without the whole cheesy " And then I blacked out . " kind of thing , if you know what I 'm saying . ( Forgive me , I 'm a teenager . Reply Terri Weldy says : November 10 , 2013 at 5 : 28 am Great story ! I am an avid reader and love a good story that pulls me into the story as though I am there . Looking forward to reading the second part ! Reply catherine says : November 10 , 2013 at 1 : 01 pm The second part is posted , you probably saw that and didn 't have time to read it . The third part comes out on November 15 . I am glad you like the story . Thank you for reading it and for commenting ! Reply Cindy Farmer says : December 6 , 2013 at 7 : 38 pm Love it ! I read constantly - anything I can get my hands on ! This is terriffic ! Can 't wait to read more ! Reply catherine says : December 6 , 2013 at 8 : 04 pm Thank you , Cindy ! I appreciate that you left a comment . " Can 't wait to read more " is one of the best comments an author can get . Part Four comes out January 17 , 2014 . I started writing when I was 10 years old . I have always wanted to have a published book . My first , self - published book , Until Jerusalem is available in electronic and paper formats . |
Last night it fell , and I awoke to a pretty white world this morning . I quite enjoy truding through the snow when its first on the ground , all soft and white , so as I needed so milk off I went to the town , a short walk away . The side streets were fine , it was when I got into the main street where people had been walking more that it became all slushy and slippery on both the pavements and the road . I safely negotiated crossing the road to get to the supermarket , got my milk , bread , some meat and some skate to cook for my dinner , turned to recross the road . . . . . . and . . . . . . down I went on the slippery slush . Fortunately I didn 't do any harm to myself other than some bruises . I still like the look of the snow , but won 't be in a rush to go out again ! ! My birthday came and went last Wednesday , didn 't do anything special to celebrate it . Worked in the morning , went to see my mother in the afternoon . I was going to have tea with her , but it snowed so hard there and covered the roads in about and inch in a short time , so I came back home . And sat by the fire and watched tv in the evening . No birthday cake . Infact still no present from mother , as I 've to take her out shopping to get it and until this weather clears that won 't happen ! I did though have 19 nice birthday cards from different friends , so they 're standing on the mantlepiece and cabinets in the room making the place look nice and bright . ( the cards are standing , not the friends ! ! ) On top of everything else , I 've now gone down with a cold or virus of some sort , and feel like curling up in a corner and being left alone . I should have been going to Norwich today to learn something else to do with my work - I 'm now going to have to contact them and say I can 't go . No way can I drive there sneezing away all the way . My head is fuzzy and my mind won 't concentrate on anything , so to try and learn something connected with accounts would be absolutely useless . Why did I have to get this , this week ? Since All Saint 's Day ( which also would have been my Dad 's birthday ) , I don 't know what 's happened to me . It 's just over 18 years since my Dad died , yet everything seems to have come back so strongly to me these last two weeks , lots of memories , feelings and the sadness of those weeks . I don 't understand why after all those years I should suddenly feel it so deeply again . Added to that , I seem to have so many different things to do this week especially , I 've had two church meetings to attend and related work following them , I 've had to prepare items for a Christmas sale for tomorrow . As well as my Work work and all the things I normally do in a week , including visits to my mother - all of which take time . I 've started jobs , very half - heartedly , put them down , tried to do something else then thought of something else I should have done , so left that and done something else . I 've just got no enthusiasm or drive to do things , not even tne normal things that I would do . The house looks a tip I 've got different bits of paper and things in all rooms , from when I 've started something and put it down . I feel quite down and stressed about things . - and that 's not like me . I 'm not sleeping well either so that doesn 't help . Yes , finally my kitchen window has been sorted out and I 've a brand new window . A full pane of glass to see out of , without the monstrosity of a big square white fan in the the top quarter of it . The kitchen is so much lighter and brighter now . People were standing and looking up the road , trying to identify what the sound was . It appeared to be getting closer . Then we could see a group of people walking down the centre of the road , all dressed in colourful costumes and ringing large bells as they came . continued from yesterday . . . . . The workman - two of them and a young lad , came in carrying a big bag of tools and a new extractor fan to fit in the kitchen window . Now , I should add that it was early evening when they came , so dark outside . Looking at the fan they said that they just needed to unscrew the fittings on the current one and then put the new one in , wouldn 't take long . One strapped a light to his head and went outside to hold the outside part of the old fan . They got the screws out , but , the fan wouldn 't lift off of the window . We just need to cut the seal all around it then it will be free to lift out I heard them saying . So they did that . The chap outside was trying to pull his side off , and the ones inside were doing the same , but , the fan still wouldn 't budge . So next they tried dismantling more of it . I went off into the other room and left them to it . I could hear them knocking and banging away at it . A while later one of them came through to me , " We 've a problem , a little mishap - but it 's nothing to worry about " he said . " the glass has cracked around where we 're trying to get the fan out " . We 've found that whoever put the fan in , didn 't do it right - they 've completely stuck it to the window with strong sealer , and we can 't get it off . So , I went throught with him to see . He showed me the cracks ( actually not quite as bad as I expected ) . " We 've got to get a new pane of glass for it - then it will be easy to put the new one in . It won 't be your expense " he said . " How long will that take " , I asked , and was told 3 or 4 days , but we 'll block the fan blades etc all up so that you don 't get any draught in he said . Then spotting that I 'd got an extractor over the cooker , they asked if I really wanted a fan in the window , or just a plain window . Now , to be honest , I 've never liked that big monstrosity in the window - so I jumped at the chance of having the window replaced with a plain piece of glass . My kitchen window has one of those big square extractor fans in it . Through , I suppose the wear and passing of time since it was put in , I noticed that one and then two of the outside flaps which should close the aperture when not being used , had fallen off . During the summer this didn 't matter so much , but with the cold winds of recently my kitchen was becoming colder than inside my fridge ! So , when the builder was doing the outside of my house several weeks back , I mentioned it to him , and he said he could get one of his electricians to sort it for me . Weeks went by , I rang and reminded him 3 or 4 weeks ago . He said he hadn 't forgotten and that he 'd get the chap to come when he was in the town again . Fine . My boss popping in with some work and a cup of tea the one day last week came into the kitchen and immediately said " it 's cold in here ! where 's the draught coming from ? " I explained what and why . So he straight away got out his mobile phone and rang the builder ( who he knew ) . What happened ? - the workmen came last night ! We understand how , with time life insurance becomes more expensive and difficult to get . So we 're delighted to offer you an easy opportunity to get more value for money , provided you apply before your 57th . birthday . . . . . it can provide your loved ones with a guaranteed cash sum on your death from any cause . . . . . . . . " why is the colour Red called red , or Brown brown , why is Green called green - infact why are any of the colours called the names they are ? Why isn 't yellow called blue or blue called purple ? ? Who decided what colour should be named what it is ? This may look to be just a picture of sand , but it 's one of my favourite places to walk , and I went there yesterday afternoon . There were lots of families there enjoying it too - some just walking , some playing cricket on the sand , a few digging sandcastles , some sunbathing , others picnicing - all enjoying the open air , warm sun and the space . And - what joy - not the sound of a single person talking on a mobile phone ! There are just miles and miles of sand and its very peaceful . It really is a place to feel close to God in creation . . . . . to my right was a beautiful rainbow - so I just had to get out of the car and take some photo 's of it . It was a perfect arc , I could see both ends , but unfortunately it was too big to get the full arc on a photo . This is the best I could do . As I watched , they were quickly devouring the ants , then I saw one lift its wing and peck under it . Watching them closer others did the same , and it appeared that they were picking up ants and putting them in their wings . I wondered why ? . Although somewhere in my mind I seem to recall a tv nature programme about this , but I can 't remember the reason the starlings do it . They seemed totally unaware of me sitting there , they were so engrossed in the feast they had found . My telephone rang yesterday evening , just as I 'd finished watching a television programme . I looked at the number on the display and saw that it was my mother . I answered it as normal , and heard her say " Is that you ( and my name ) ? " I said " Yes " " it doesn 't sound like you " she said and then she kept repeating my name . . . I kept saying " Yes it is me " I began to think that she was having some kind of fit or turn . I wondered what to do . I daren 't put the phone down , because if she heard it cut off I sensed that she 'd be even more alarmed . Then I thought , the only thing I can try is to try changing the phone I 'm using and pick up another of the handsets in the house . So , I tried that , and it worked ! she heard me on that . Thank goodness . So we then experimented and I got her to ring it again and I answered on the first phone I 'd been using and she heard me perfectly . So , what had been wrong , I 've no idea . It was beautiful . The sky was blue and so was the sea . I tried to capture all the wonderful colours and shade of blue in the sea , with my camera , but it doesn 't really do it justice . I 've just realised , I 've had , and got different men coming to my house every day this week ! I 'm not talking about the outside workmen , because they 've all gone . These have all come to the front door and I 've let them in . I 've been so busy over the past days since my last post , that I haven 't had time to write anything . So , an update - The scaffolding came down off my house one day last week , so I now have what looks in one sense to be living in a new house ! - well from the sides and back views , the front we have kept the same bricks as before , and just had pointed up where necessary , so I 'm glad about that . I don 't think I 'd like to change the traditional look of the front . I 've now been working from home for a fortnight and it 's lovely ! I looked out of the window the other morning at the time I should have been setting out for my office and it was pouring with rain . What a pleasure it was to just be able to go upstairs to my office here and not have to get umbrella and rainccoat out and venture out into it . All I need to do is to get things sorted out as to the best layout for working in the room , but that will come with working there and finding out as I go , what works best where . My house is undergoing a facelift at present . It was built around 1900 , as far as I know . ( I 'm thinking of trying to find the actual history of it ) It was , so I 'm told the first one to be built in this road , and is the only one which was a detached house the ones which followed it were all semi - detached . Being built over 100 years ago , of a softer type of brick and a sandyier mortar I suppose its no wonder that the bricks have been eroded away with the winds , the salt air and the weather . As for the mortar between the bricks , it had got so that you could run your finger along it and it would just crumble out . Infact at times , sitting indoors at night you would occasionally hear pieces falling down in the cavity wall . So , although preserving the bricks on the front with pointing up , as the weather hasn 't attacked them so badly , the gable ends and sides have now had a coat of cement ( or whatever you call what they put on them ) , and then it 's going to be painted with a weatherproof paint - so a new look ! I started a new phrase of my working life yesterday . I 've worked in the same business and building for just over forty years . During that time , I have ofcourse seen lots of changes , both to the actual physical structure of the building , its frontage , door , inside layout etc have been changed numerous times . When I started there , the first and second floor of it were a ' house ' and the manager lived there , coming down stairs straight into the store . Later the stairs were closed up and made to enter from the main street to access the upper floors . Then , for years and years the upper rooms were left empty . After many years of being disused , and with a change of ownership of the business the rooms became the head office , and I moved up there to work . Now , the rooms have been converted back into living accommodation and made into two flats . That meant the office I work in needed to be re - located . An office was made for me in the warehouse - disused warehouse ( I should add ) of another of the company 's stores . I went over to look at it a few weeks ago , and as soon as I walked up the stairs to it I experienced a very strange feeling - I just totally felt very uncomfortable there , it felt somehow very spooky . I just knew that I just couldn 't work there . My boss , who was with me , took one look at me as said " you don 't like it , do you ? " and I had to admit I didn 't . He was very good about it , and didn 't say - well this it you 'll have to get used to it , he instead said we 'll have to see what else we can find or do . So , yesterday began the new session of my working life - as I am now working from home , and just using that " spooky office " for a base for mail , storing paperwork etc . . . . Last week we moved all the office items which I needed to here , and yesterday I started actually working here . And it was a good day ! Here is the Flower Festival which I was involved with last week . Just click on the photo below and it will take you to the site will all the photos on . - you can either then watch it as a Slide show , or individual ones , and at full screen . Enjoy ! I was sitting on my office chair in my office / workroom here at home yesterday evening and decided to just alter the height of the seat and the angle of the back slightly . I pressed and moved the relevant levers under the bottom of the chair when all at once I heard the sound of liquid running . I jumped up , wondering what on earth it was and where it was coming from as it seemed to be coming from the chair . It was , out of the bottom at the back liquid was running onto the floor . I ran downstairs and grabbed a cloth to put on the floor so that it didn 't sink into the carpet . By the time I got back with the cloth it had stopped running out , so I set to work to mop up and clean the carpet - it was a very acidy , oily sort of smell to the fluid . Then , I wondered what to do , I daren 't sit on the chair again incase it made any more come out ; I daren 't move it for the same reason . Standing there looking at the chair , I decided that the best thing to do would be to give it a nappy - so downstairs I ran again , and got a plastic carrier bag , which I 've now sellotaped to hang below the parts at the bottom where I think the fluid came from . I think my next move is to somehow find a way to get rid of the chair , as I daren 't use it again . Any ideas , how ? As a woman on my own I can 't carry it down the stairs , it 's too awkward a shape and weight for me to do that safely . And then , how to dispose of it ? I had to visit two of our stores yesterday , one in Norwich , so I set off quite early so as not to be late through being held up in traffic . What happened ? I got there thirty minutes early . The sun was shining and it was a beautiful morning . So having parked at the back of the store and rather than fluster the store manager by being so early , I had the opportunity for a short walk down by the river . As usual my camera was in my handbag , I seldom go anywhere without it , so it gave me the opportunity to take these pictures of a spot I think is very beautiful . For the first time , I was asked to take part in a Flower Festival at a village church . I was nervous about doing it somewhere else , but as the Organiser always does one for the Festival I help organise , I decided to accept . This is the arrangement I did for the subject " A day in the life of . . . . . a Stained glass worker " . The Festival is at Upper Sheringham parish church this weekend . Although I passed a few people also enjoying the lovely afternoon , it was really peaceful and quiet and just what I needed after the worries of last week . The air was filled with the sounds of birds calling and singing . In the stream to my right as I stood looking around me , I spotted a coot with two tiny new chicks , beyond that in the meadow a pair of geese walked along with young goslings in a line behind one parent bird with the other parent bird at the back of them . What happened was my boss brought a young man into the office with him and after introducing him the young man went off to do some work in another part of the building . J , my boss , then told me that the young man 's daughter , aged just 8 months old , had died a few days ago and naturally the lad was very , very distressed . After a while J suddenly said to me " You believe in God , don 't you ? " , to which I replied " Yes " , ( It was the first time that anyone had ever openly asked me that ) and I knew somehow that he was thinking about that baby and the lad , and asking ' why ' . I just didn 't know what to say . All I could come out with , is " there is a lot that happens that we just don 't understand , but I believe there is a purpose behind all that happens even though we can 't see it , and may never understand it " I feel very challenged by his question . - not in the sense of challenging God , but in how deep my faith is . I feel I should have given a better answer than just those few words . The morning started nice and bright although breezy , so I hung my washing out on the line . It was getting nice and dry by lunch time , but needed just a little longer . I needed to go somewhere , so off I went in the car . By the time I came back a couple of hours later it had been raining , and my washing was now wetter than when I put it out ! Now , I 'm in pain . I went through to the kitchen to make myself a supper drink yesterday evening , and turning to do something in the living room on my way , somehow my slipper seemed to grip to the carpet as I turned back and . . . . . down I went , hitting my side on the corner of a dining chair , and my hip on the floor . Thankfully I was on the carpet and not the tiled kitchen floor . But now I 'm in pain whenever I move . I guess it 's just bruises and maybe strained a muscle there , but ouch ! I 've got to stop and think now before I stretch to pick something up or reach out to the right and try and find a different way to move to do whatever it is I 'm trying to do to lesssen it hurting . How frustrating . The sun shone , I was on holiday from work , so into the car I jumped yesterday morning and set off along the coast road , enjoying the beauty of all the new spring life around me . The wonderful green of the trees , the pink blossom on the almond and cherry trees , the sight of lambs in a field . What could be more beautiful . Stopping in a town to get myself some fish & chips for dinner , I then drove along the cliff top found a good spot to park overlooking the sea and enjoy the fish & chips . Sitting there in the car eating them , I became aware that two ducks had waddled over and stood there watching me . I decided to see if they liked chips ! , so threw two small ones out of the window , which they soon devoured . They stood waiting for more ! ( which they duly got ) but I discovered that they don 't like fish skin - I threw a little battered covered bit of skin out to them , they looked at it and ignored it . - not so the sea - gulls , they quickly came for it . I 've just realised it 's a while since I wrote a post . It was a lovely week of weather here last week , well , until Sunday when it turned dull and showery . Still the showers have done my garden good . I spent most of Saturday out there , as I 'd been to the garden centre on Friday afternoon and got some plants to put into tubs and pots , so spent quite a while doing that , then set all my runner bean seeds in pots to start off . At the moment my summer house is full of little plant pots , some geraniums and now all the pots of runner beans . So , everytime I want to sit in there I have to move them all out ! Maybe one day I 'll think about getting a green - house , but at the moment it doesn 't really seem worth it , not just to use for a few weeks of the year as a nursery for baby plants . Now I look forward to the seeds growing into carrots , beetroot , parsnips and onions . The runner beans will go in later . Looking up from my work , I spotted this blackbird , obviously collecting food , which set me wondering if he had nest of chicks alreay . Anyway - during the 1960 's my mother decided she was tired of keep having to dust all the fiddly fancy bannister posts and rails and we had a handiman come and box the whole thing in with sheets of hardboard and then it was painted . Looked very solid , and I didn 't like it . So , now having the house to myself , I decided it was time those awful sheets of hardboard came off . And what a difference it 's made to the the house . It 's given it a whole new feel and made it seem so much bigger , brighter and lighter as one comes in the front door . Later in the morning , needing to find an old personnel file , I again went up to the next floor , but this time to the unused office at the front of the building . On opening the door something large whirred around me , making me jump . ( this office too had been unused for months and just occasionally I had need to enter it ) . Once I got over being startled , I looked around and there was a pigeon . I quickly shut the door so that it didn 't get loose in the whole of the building , thankful that I like birds and am not afraid of them flying round in the way that many people are . How had it got there ? Looking across at the window , which had roller blinds pulled right down to the window sill and quite tight against the window , I spotted that one of the sash windows was open about 12 inches from the top . Obviously that was how the bird had got in , but yet , the blinds were close to the window , so quite how he ( or she ) had managed it I 'm not sure . By now the bird had quietened down and was sitting perched on the edge of the filing cabinet watching me , I went over to the window and pulled up the blind of the opened window . After a minute or so the bird flew and perched on the top of the open window beside me then with a flap of its wings sped off out into the world again . I wonder what tales he / she will tell the other pigeons of its adventure . I took so many photos of the snowdrops on my walk that I thought I 'd share a few more with you all . To me they are such a beautiful flower and one of my favourites . I marvel at the way something so small and fragile looking can struggle through the earth at this time of year and withstand the cold , frost and all that the climate gives it at this time of year . Looking closely at the snowdrops , there were many different kinds too - like this one with the lovely green petals and shading , which one couldn 't see unless you gently lifted its head - or as in this case , put the camera underneath it ! |
Corbette woke up to a horrible stench of beer and all things not natural . She glanced at the man sharing his bed with her , still stone drunk and snoring like an overgrown rhino . Sighing , she got up from bed and looked around for her clothes . The beast has thrown them under the bed , probably hoping that she wouldn 't find them anytime soon . Exasperated , Corbette rummaged under the creaking thing and proceeded to cover her naked body . She made herself coffee in the beast 's kitchen and excused herself out . She had got her money last night , so there was nothing left for her to wait about for . Her trade wasn 't borne out of patience ; it was to make herself available to the whims and fancies of all the drunks who roamed the sad parts of town in the death of night . She still dreamed of the good old days , when she had a house - on - wheels of her own , when she had a son of her own . That was 16 years ago , and since then fortune hadn 't favoured her . The great hurricane of 1996 had taken everything away from her except her son , and she had nothing for herself , let alone for her foetus that would need so much . Worse , she didn 't even know who the boy 's father was β¦ Corbette couldn 't bear her son to grow up in such a sorry state . She was resigned to living a bad lifestyle , but she had always had high hopes for her son . Heartbroken , she couldn 't bear to see him grow up and struggle against a miserable world . So one non - descript Friday evening , she approached a young couple emerging from a cinema , and handed them her foetus , only murmuring that the boy 's name was Jacob . She was forced to let go of the last thing that was truly hers , and she had turned to the night streets for a means of survival . Jacob had tried so hard to protect Lucy . She was the one person in the world he couldn 't bear being dragged into this mess , as much as she was the only person alive he wanted right now by his side . But now that the anomaly had captured her , a strange kind of fury surrounded Jacob , supported by just a tinge of calm . He had already known that he couldn 't keep her safe from all this , that someday soon he would have to tell her the truth . But he had rather hoped that he could have done it himself , rather than some creature of the underground belting it out in rough cut words . He couldn 't bear the idea of losing Lucy after all that she had done for him . Had it not been for her , he would have lost hope long back . Smiling , he still remembered the last time he 'd met her . She had slapped him because she was exasperated with his depressing mood . Not the best send - off gift , but he treasured that memory . Slowly , he trudged up the last hill . He was getting close to the lair now , the place where it should all have ended , as it was the place where it started . Jacob had an eidetic memory of the most unusual sort , he remembered every single memory of his living life , right up to one month of his birth . He hadn 't really needed a map to guide him , he had the way laid out right there in his head . The gateway to a cave loomed in front of him . Ahead of here , there was no light of the sun , only the death cry of reaped souls to guide him . It was the closest thing to being Hell on Earth , just that Jacob couldn 't believe that Hell had this bad lighting . Ah well , he plunged into the darkness and was lost to the mortal world . Inside that cave lay his one love , along with the secrets to his birth , and to the death of Isabelle O ' Conner . Adrian carefully lifted the sword out of the box , knowing that even touching the blade would be a catastrophe for him and the house . It felt as if the sword was softly whispering to him , trying frantically to get out of his hands and drop to the floor . But Adrian was careful enough not to let that happen , he had seen how much the sword loved setting things ablaze . It was the summer of 1997 , a few months after Isabelle had passed away and the sword entered the house . Adrian wished to have no further role for it , and he had wanted to burn the ungodly thing with her corpse . But even after the last ashes had floated away , the sword had stuck around . Oh , it was set ablaze to all hell glory , but not a single mark was left behind on the jewels or the handle of such magnificent steel . It had entered the mortal world for a purpose , and it wasn 't going to give up so easily . One night , when 2 - year old Jacob had been laid in bed and was fast asleep in his cot , Adrian took it out by the fireplace to have a closer look at it . Even in his hands , it just felt wrong , like it was yearning to prise itself free from him . The fire burnt low , and Adrian didn 't really feel man enough to get up and find the poker . He just lazily brushed aside the logs with the long tip of the sword , but it wasn 't an occurrence he was going to forget anytime soon β¦ The sword was set ablaze again , and it nearly burnt his hand off . The fire rose to at least a meter high , and would have set the carpet ablaze had it not been taken away because young Jacob had urinated on it that day . Adrian fell away from the fireplace , and couldn 't move a muscle till the fire subsided to its normal self . Slowly , he crept towards the ancient weapon , and picked it up . Words had appeared on the blade , words that looked like they had been burned onto the magnificent steel . They weren 't words he was going to forget anytime soon , for they were the last words Isabelle had ever spoken before him . " Bon AppΓ©tit , Jacob needs his beauty sleep . " This was 13 years ago now , and Adrian would have happily left it all in the past had all this not happened . He had promptly sealed the weapon in a box filled with hay , and hidden it in a secluded corner of the attic . How it had moved by itself diagonally across the room only God knew , but then , God didn 't seem quite willing to give him support here , was he ? The sword wasn 't his , nor was it his mother 's . It had only shown those words because they were spoken at the last by the mother of the prodigy , but she wasn 't the prodigy . There was something queer about Jacob and how things always seemed to be β¦ . different β¦ around him . It was as if his presence itself bended the very will of nature , and caused ungodly things to happen . It was as if his just being born had caused a disturbance in the force , a disbalance that nature was struggling to overcome . But whatever it was , Adrian somehow knew that it was only the sword which could help Jacob wherever he had gone . But how he would get it to him , of that he had no idea . Meanwhile , dark forces stirred around Jacob , as he tried to sleep among all those marshes . He shifted uncomfortably ; there wasn 't an inch of dry space in those dark and damp areas of the living Earth . But journey through them was imperative ; there was no other way around to get to the Doors of Haein . Wishfully thinking of his mother , Jacob slept off among the reeds and other slimy plants that served as his pillow . But sleeping off didn 't mean that he got any peace . Dreamland is another dimension altogether , and one can easily get lost in them . Jacob had long since learned that his dreams weren 't just illusions , they were showing him the future . A figure made his way through the tunnel , stumbling over the uneven rocky surface and bouncing off the balls . The tunnel opened out into a huge chasm , and the path suddenly stopped in the centre . The figure hurried over to the edge and kneeled , waiting for the words that he knew was coming . " No , my Lord . She refuses to divulge any of her past whatsoever , and all attempts to get into her mind were futile . It 's as if the boy 's power itself is shielding her mind , protecting it from us . " Jacob slowly made his way through the shallow marshes , which seemed to be even slimier than the villagers had told him . He nearly went down once when his foot slipped off the path and went into the water . Fortunately , he reached out and grabbed hold of a tree - root just in time and pulled himself up . His jeans were ruined , but he wasn 't going to visit the drycleaners anytime soon anyway β¦ Jacob studied the map in his hand . It seemed pretty straightforward , telling him to go straight through the marsh , and whatever happens , never ever stray from the path . As long as he could tell , he was still on the right track , but with the sun setting down , he couldn 't stay out in the open much longer . Best to pitch his tent on the side of the track and wait until daybreak . The area around him wasn 't renowned for much wildlife , but then again , it was renowned for being the most haunted place on the dying Earth . As Jacob sat there unpacking the kettle , flashes of his memory passed through him . The only thing he remembered about his mother was her in the kitchen , ferociously working the roller and moving pans in and out from the oven . She used to give him a nibble or two of her muffins sometimes , but not much , because his teeth hadn 't grown by that time . He remembered the delicious smell that came from her and her apron , but beyond that , his memory of his mother was a complete blur . It felt exasperating , not having any solid memory of her to hold on to . But Jacob did know one thing , and that was that his father loved Isabelle more than his life , and that Adrian was alive till now only because he had to care for her offspring . It killed him to see his father like this , and Jacob remembered the last time when he had brought up talk about his mother . His father had suddenly seemed to grow old before his eyes , and he firmly refused to discuss what had happened that fateful winter of 1997 . Thinking about all this , Jacob dozed off right there , with his head resting against an old tree - trunk , oblivious to the night - sounds and the dark forces which hovered around him . Adrian had never let slip details about Isabelle 's death , but the town - folk were always up for a meaty rumour or two . Talk spread around the town about the sheriff 's villa being haunted , that dark forces roamed the grounds when all but the mortal were in their beds . Adrian never denied these rumours , but he didn 't dare add to them by commenting himself . He wanted Jacob to grow up in a care - free environment , free from the inquisitive and forbidding eyes of the town folk . There wasn 't a single day when he didn 't miss his wife , not a single day when he didn 't think about Isabelle O ' Conner . They had both decided to take their relationship to the next level the year they graduated from the University of Casavania . Both of them were quite young when Jacob was born , Isabelle 22 and Adrian barely 23 years of age . Adrian was hoping that he would never have to see it again , but grudgingly , this wasn 't the time to let his fears rule over him . He climbed up to the attic and roamed his sight , looking for the box which he knew was there . He saw it by itself in a corner , away from the damp of the lake . That was queer ; he definitely remembered putting it with the rest of the stuff under the porthole window . Ah well , what was inside that box was nowhere close to normal anyway . Opening the box slowly , he felt the same awe that he had felt 15 years ago , when it had appeared in the house , lying across Isabelle 's corpse . The jewels hadn 't lost their glow even now , and the handle was still made of the most marvelous steel there could be in the world . The sword was still there , and its time had arrived . Adrian still remembered the first time he had set eyes on Jacob 's mother . Isabelle and he were fresh out of school and had both joined the local university . Looking at her , Adrian knew that he had found the one for him , not because she was blonde , but because she just was the one . He remembered their first date as if it was only yesterday . He had taken her up to the patio of their university one autumn evening , where his friends had gone out of their way to make it a great setting with candles and all . Every moment with her seemed like a moment lost , but he refused to believe that he had lost her for good . Her soul still rested in the house they had bought together off their meager income , the house Jacob and he were currently living in . . Her death shocked the entire town . Isabelle was well known in the locality for her marvelous muffins , which she catered out of the house . The circumstances of her death were never disclosed to the public , because Adrian wished some parts of her life to remain personal . He didn 't want it to become a witch 's tale , he wanted the town to always remember her as the young , sweet and selfless Isabelle she was . It was the year of 1997 , the 17th day of the month of December , Jacob 's second birthday . It was a particularly chilly winter that year , with the whole of Casavania snowed under . It was then that the strange things started happening around the house . Trees started uprooting themselves , the birds stopped flying down to their porch for the seeds Isabelle laid out for them , smoke could be seen coming out of the chimney without anyone lighting a fire underneath it . It seemed like a spirit had taken over the house , but it didn 't occur to anyone then that the young boy in the house was the one . Then , a week later , the thing happened . Adrian woke up to a sound downstairs at an ungodly hour , when all but the dead should have been sleeping . He got up to investigate , sure that it must have been yet another one of those infernal owls which haunted their roof . They were one of the drawbacks to the otherwise - perfect house . Adrian didn 't mind ; the local birdlife was pretty frequent in these parts , and you grew used to them after a while . As he walked down the stairs , Adrian looked out of the window and was struck at the beauty of the night . The moon was out in full glory , there was no breeze , no wind , and not a single thing moved . The moonlight glistened off the tree - tops , making them look as if they had been freshly washed . Adrian nearly went back to wake Isabelle up and share it with her , when the sound occurred again , but from the kitchen now . Adrian cursed himself for not having brought his revolver with him . He always had it on his person , and the one bloody time he did not , a burglar apparently has stolen into his kitchen . Well , he couldn 't go back now , the burglar would get away . Best to just startle the bloody person and give him a good solid thunk over the head with something . Adrian picked up the poker from the fireplace , and slowly made his way to the kitchen door and put his hand on the doorknob when all hell broke loose . A bright , yet completely black light glowed from the kitchen , and SOMETHING broke through the door . Adrian never got a look at the thing , before something slimy hit him from behind . As he went down , the only thing going through his mind was " Please not them " β¦ Adrian never saw Isabelle after that night , except her corpse . The next morning when he went up to the room on regaining consciousness , he witnessed a scene straight from hell . The place had been ransacked and a dark circle been drawn around the bed on which young Jacob lay . There was no sign of his mother , and Adrian screamed aloud with agony . Her corpse reappeared on that exact bed a week later , but by then that room had been shut down , Adrian wishing to have no further use for it . There were no marks of external injury on her body , and the post - mortem didn 't reveal anything inside her either . It was as if something had passed through her , and she hadn 't survived it β¦ Wincing , Adrian felt the small of his back where he still had the scar from that night . It refused to heal or go away , always staying there as the dark spot on his fair skin . It was as if something evil had touched him , but not penetrated through . He just wished that it had finished with him and not taken Isabelle . But then , he had to live for his boy and protect him . It was obvious now that there was something special about him , maybe even godly , but what it was eluded him . The only thing he could do was nurture him and show him the trades of the world , hoping that one day it would all become clear to him . But now , Jacob had disappeared too , but Adrian couldn 't bear to feel as useless all over again as on the night of Isabelle 's death . He understood that some dark force was acting on his family , but he couldn 't just bear to stand down and let everything around him pass him by . The fact that the anomaly had used ' IT ' for Jacob rather than referring to his boy as HIM and so a human being was strange , and may hold some clue . Whatever it was , Adrian couldn 't bear to let his one child go away , just like he could barely bear the death of his love . He had survived Isabelle being taken away just because he had her child to take care of , but not now . Now , something had to go , and it wouldn 't be his son . Jacob knew that the only way to get around it was to drive straight into it and not give a damn . After all , who in the world would suspect a 17 - year old guy driving a bicycle of the crime that he had just committed ? Sure , a lot of people would report that a young - ish blonde guy had been seen on the screen , but that description could quite easily be related to a hundred other teenagers in that small village of Casavania , a lot of whom would also have been present at that fair when he lighted the fire . He reached home and flung the keys on the dining - table . His father would find them there when he returned home after performing his duties as Sheriff at the scene . Jacob walked into his bedroom and yanked up the loose plank off the floor . His bag was already packed , waiting for him to make a quick get away from there and enter a place where no mortal man had ever set foot . He trudged down the stairs with a heavy heart . It 's not easy leaving behind a home where he had spent his entire life , the place he had lost his first tooth , won his first musical chairs . But he knew that it was the only way to finding redemption for what had happened to his mother , brutally killed 15 years ago in a case shrouded in mystery , and which the locals didn 't dare to talk about . But finally , after waiting his entire childhood in the same house by the lake , he trudged outside into the mist to follow up his latest lead , and wasn 't heard of again for the better part of a year β¦ Jacob 's dad , Adrian reached home that night exhausted . It had been a long day ; what had looked like a pretty standard Annual parade at the funfair had turned into one of the biggest fires the town had ever seen . Fortunately , no one was hurt . Of course , Mrs . Flattherty had complained of chest burns and suffocation , but she seemed all right after the village doctor told her that she would need an injection . A couple of the younger lads had received 3rd degree fire burns trying to help evacuate the elderly , and young Nick Flanagas had broken his arm trying to pitch in by carrying a water bucket which was heavier than his old mum . Adrian smiled to himself ; that young kid certainly had a lot of pluck , just like his father . Expecting that Jacob would already have gone to bed , Adrian made himself a cup of tea and tried to reflect on the day 's proceedings . Some fool had strayed behind the Big Tent where the elephants usually sleep and tried to light a cigarette . It looked like he had dropped his lighter on the stack of hay used for the mammals ' food , and had high - tailed it out of there when he realized that he couldn 't control the ensuing blaze . Thank heavens that the army guys had come over for a night out ; without their help and muscle , the damage could have been a lot more . Adrian sighed and put his feet up on his table . It was going to be a long day tomorrow , what with the press conference and then having to write out a proper report for the Superintendent . The fire was going to be plastered on the front page of every newspaper in the district by dawn tomorrow morning , and the Superintendent didn 't take lightly of being shown up as an incompetent in his own jurisdiction . Stubbing out his cigarette , Adrian decided to call it a day . His body wasn 't what it once used to be , when he used to stay up all night texting Jacob 's mother . Isabelle wasn 't with them anymore , but he felt her presence in that house every single day , every single moment of his life . Too bad that she couldn 't be here to see how big her young lad had grown , and too bad that Jacob never really knew his mother . He slowly walked up the stairs , stood outside Jacob 's door listening for a sound of his son . Hearing none , assuming that the boy had slept off , Adrian walked into his room next door and quickly changed . Then he crashed on the bed , and he dozed off before his head hit the pillow . He didn 't know what had woken him up . Perhaps it was another one of those damned night owls who had thought it a good idea to sit on top of the chimney and hoot to all hell . But Adrian couldn 't hear anything right now , so he decided to let the infernal bird live another day , and went back to sleep . The morning came , and with it came a severe headache . Perhaps it wasn 't a good idea to try that new herbal tea last night after all , it would have been safer to stick to his good old teapot with its good old tea leaves . But whatever , nothing he could do about it , except pop in an Aspirin and hope it will wear off before he reached the police station . The breakfast wasn 't ready on the table for him , which was rather an oddity . Jacob always laid out a bowl of cereal for him before cycling off to college . But seeing as his bicycle wasn 't leaning out there by the garage , Adrian could only assume that he was late and had to go off in a hurry . Adrian wasn 't bothered ; he just got the cereal himself and read the morning 's newspapers ' take on last night 's events . He sent a txt to his son 's phone to reply when he could to make sure he was safe , and didn 't think anymore over it . It didn 't strike him to check his son 's room at that time β¦ That night , when his son still hadn 't checked in , Adrian started to feel worried . Jacob was a responsible boy , he never stayed out of touch so long . The moment Adrian reached home , he ran upstairs and flung open the door to his son 's room . His eyes veered to the wall above the bed 's head , and so Adrian lost his footing , tears escaping the sanctity of his eyes . In a time not akin ours , with people not unlike us , there was a teenager not unlike us . This is the story of how he found his life , his love , and how he went on to get what he wanted even when no one would have expected it from him . This isn 't an autobiography ; it 's rather a hopefully heartwarming story which drew inspiration from my life . There are a couple of instances from my life , but each love part is not taken from anywhere , and IS FICTIONAL ! But as is the case with teenage boys , he got over this quickly enough . A week after that , he was jumping around like a spring chicken , oblivious to the worries of the world . It 's been said that true inspiration comes from a broken heart , but what about the inspiration when a load has been taken off your back ? On top of that , it 's not like we teenage boys are the fastest at anything , are we ? Hell , if we had a competition over this , I guess frogs would be more romantic than us . Every single person nowadays has someone with whom they 've fixed a song as ' their ' song . In this period of time , he started listening to that song over and over again , and was shocked at how idiotic that song sounded to him . He tried to hear it again to find out why he had liked the song in the first place , but all rationality had left him . He changed his songs , but more importantly , he just gave a couple of tweaks to his life . School life passed him by ; after all , which kid his age would want to get up every day in the morning and think ' yes , we 're going to start this chapter today ! " ? It was like it was always going to be . As long as you left the system alone , the system would not gobble you up . But there was something wrong with the way he felt towards school life . He started looking at life within those boundaries as just an intermediary to the larger picture , as just a stepping - stone towards the real world outside . I guess that 's actually the right way of thinking , but come on , which kid among us doesn 't want to go to school every day if only to meet his friends and have fun ? Leaving aside some of the ' un - social ' kids , if you may , but then , he wasn 't having any problems in that regard . It wasn 't like he didn 't talk to girls at all . Earlier , you 've already been told of his brief fling when he was all of 13 years old . But as is the case with most children of his age , it was never going to go on , and these two just drifted apart over time . Perhaps he just didn 't consider himself ready enough to be drawn into this net of relationships . He had heard a lot of comments from people around him about how difficult it is to sustain a long relationship with someone , and some very hurtful comments towards their ex ' es . And it horrified him that some situations can occur which can make someone think about another being in that way . I guess that was the reason he just made up his mind that he wasn 't big enough and man enough to take care of a special someone for a long time . He preferred to go about his life as it were , keeping everyone happy while not taking it any further . He went to tuition , but it just wasn 't the same now . He missed the fact that earlier , he actually had someone to stare at when everything being taught in class was zooming right over him . The rest of his gang were fun enough , but something just felt missing . That did not mean that they didn 't have fun in class , joking with the teachers and spreading the gossip around them . These are the small little things which can make the most boring of things worthwhile , and he fell right back into it . And then one day , his gang and he reached tuition early , and they went inside early because the helper was watering the pavement outside . Most of them were in a good mood then ; it was a glorious day with a chance of rain in the next couple of hours . There were still 15 minutes or so left for the class to start , so they just started to do anything which came in their mind . After drawing faces of Scooby - Doo , Powerpuff Girls and a couple of other Cartoon characters which came in their minds , they started to mess with their own hairstyles , asking others just how big an idiot they looked like . And just when he had managed to make up his hair in such a way that half of it came into his eyes and it was all standing out like a porcupine 's from the side , she walked in β¦ . Imagine the expression on the poor guy 's face . Not the best second first - impression anyone would want to have on someone he was attracted to , was it ? But he quickly regained his composure and included her in the fun . Though he seemed solid enough at the outset , a cold feeling had crawled up his spine . He had let go with such difficulty , but now that she was in front of him , the world just seemed a bit messed - up to his adolescent mind . Remember the piles of concrete or whatever it is that looks a lot like sand , which you always see near any place where construction is going on ? Sometimes the smallest of things , however irrelevant they may seem , are the biggest things possible in a normal person 's life , and you just can 't help yourself but try to climb over it and feel like a circus performer . That was the day he first held her hand , supporting her as she climbed over the huge pile out of childish want . In a time not akin ours , with people not unlike us , there was a teenager not unlike us . This is the story of how he found his life , his love , and how he went on to get what he wanted even when no one would have expected it from him . This isn 't an autobiography ; it 's rather a hopefully heartwarming story which drew inspiration from my life . Yes , there are a couple of instances from my life , but each love - part is not taken from anywhere , and IS FICTIONAL ! Yes , it wasn 't the best of starts for him , but honestly , which teenager would care when he can get to sit with his crush like that ? Some can go all high heaven for a chance to do so . And of course , the best part of Truth & Dare was to pair someone with his or her crush . Soon after that , he had a fight with his mom over the dishes . He had eaten his sister 's birthday cake and forgotten to put it back into the fridge . It wasn 't anything big enough to fight over , but his mind really wasn 't in it . His mother sensed that he wasn 't listening to her , and further prodded him . Brought back from his daydreams , he snapped back at her , exasperated by everything going on in his life . One thing led to another , and he found himself trudging off all alone to his room for some privacy . He went there , sat down on the floor , and promptly started daydreaming . Next day , he again got ready for school , but his mood just wasn 't in it . Games at school went some way to taking his mind off things , and he acted like a lunatic all day . His friends didn 't mind ; as long as they got their dose of entertainment , why would they care about whatever madness he did ? His mind wasn 't on studies all day , but I guess that could be said about half the school . It was a glorious day outside ; the sun was out in its full - glory , yet there was that cool little breeze blowing which made every teenager 's head go crazy . You know the things you daydream about when you 're sitting in the middle of the exam hall with absolutely nothing to do . It was somewhat along the same lines , with the exception that he wasn 't really thinking about what to do with his friends like the rest of us normally would have . Till now , he had fair falling all over his head in a heap . He didn 't really care about it before , but suddenly he started paying attention to his face and everything else that , you know , isn 't like normal guys . He combed down his hair , he spiked it up , he tried absolutely every possible kind of hairstyle . Exasperated , he nearly got a crew cut , but luckily someone talked him out of it . Such was his longing for her to notice him . I 've said that he was one of the more social kids of his age . He enjoyed talking to different people and sharing their problems , and if he could , try to give them solutions . But when he needed to have shared it with someone else , he preferred to clamp up and withdraw inside his shell . Some people can think over matters so much that they put themselves into a bad mood . His friends weren 't idiots ; they did know that something was wrong . To see the clown of their gang suddenly sitting in his seat alone when the rest of the class was enjoying themselves in a substitution just wasn 't right . He wasn 't going to get away with his drama anyway ; this is India , you know . Friends just cant let each other stay in a bad mood for long , and somehow or the other he cheered up and went about his life . All that day and the next , he tried to draw out a plan as to how he could go up to her and actually talk to her . He did decide on his opening line , the topics he could talk over with her , and absolutely everything that he would want to know about her . He reached the centre well ahead of time , put his books inside and came outside to stroll around the place , waiting for her . He just wanted to have a glimpse of her , no matter what it took . But she never came , not that day , not the next , not that week β¦ In a time not akin ours , with people not unlike us , there was a teenager not unlike us . This is the story of how he found his life , his love , and how he went on to get what he wanted even when no one would have expected it from him . This isn 't an autobiography ; it 's rather a hopefully heartwarming story which drew inspiration from my life . There are a couple of instances from my life , but each love part is not taken from anywhere , and IS FICTIONAL ! You couldn 't really fault him for being the way he was . If life had taught him one thing , it was to never trust others to do the work you could do yourself . Over the years , he had found out that the only way for children like him to merge in was to make yourself entertaining , to make yourself the clown of the gang . It wasn 't the hardest thing for him , he was in his element when he was allowed to talk free without any restraints , and somehow he found it a lot easier with people of all sorts than most others of his age . Talking about his looks , they weren 't much to talk about when he was younger . Neatly combed hair stuck down over his round head , a protruding nose which was a bit curved at the tip , and eyes that were sharp yet sleeping . His dressing sense was like all children at first , exactly as his mother ordered him to . This started to change as he grew older . His features became more pronounced , and he started transforming into someone who people would term as good - looking . Not like the ' oh , he 's so hot ' type , just plain old good - looking with softened features and a balanced face . As all children , he started to rebel when he entered double - figures and puberty started to set in . He felt each emotion a hundred times stronger , but the one emotion that eluded him was love . As he grew up , he slowly started building his fame in the school . A couple of academic awards later and playing in the school football team , other students started knowing of his existence . It wasn 't like he was hard to get to , rather that he just didn 't bother to . A lazy kid some could call him , but one who could shine when it really mattered . He didn 't get along with everyone , but he didn 't despise anyone for not liking him . The kid I 'm describing wasn 't challenged in any way except for the fact that he wore spectacles . But seeing as a third of the population around him did so , it wasn 't really a big thing for him . In fact , there was nothing extraordinary about him . Good enough in academics , good in football , good with his friends , he was a Jack of all trades , master of none . I guess kids like him really were popular among his peer group . But despite everything , he never got a swollen head ; it was all the same for him whatsoever the case . It wasn 't like opportunities didn 't present themselves for him to show off and make a scene ; it just wasn 't in his nature . The only field he wasn 't accomplished in was in matters of the opposite sex . These completely passed him by , and perhaps he just didn 't think himself ready to get into all of this . It 's not as if the girls around him weren 't pretty enough , it 's just that the one for him wasn 't among them . He did try his hand at love , you know . There was a brief time when he was 13 when he thought he had finally grasped the meaning of interaction with the opposite sex . There was a girl in his class who he liked conversing to . He wanted to sit with her every day , wanted to know what happened to her everyday and what she did every day . But it just wasn 't meant to be . Before anything developed , the two of them grew apart . They didn 't have a fight ; they just drifted apart over time . He was a plucky kid , no doubt about it . Announcing to the world on Facebook that he was gay as part of a dare , he never stood down from making a mockery of himself as long as people around him were having fun . Kneeling down in front of innumerable girls to propose as part of the infamous Truth & Dare times , he set the benchmark for doing the things others would have been afraid to . People admired him for his bravery , and he basked in the glory of their admiration . It was only when he approached his last 2 years in school when he found himself drawn into the net of social interaction . He started conversing with girls over the net , he started talking to them in person when earlier he would have ignored them , he just started to have a positive looking social sphere . People were entertained by talking with him , and he was glad to be of service to everyone . But even among the people he talked to , he never had the first inclination of the first signs of love . He never daydreamed about any single girl when he was alone . Taking up group tuition when he reached his higher class , he started having a wider range . He was still popular in there , yet he was still trying to find his way . It was there that he set eyes on her for the first time . The way she tied back her hair , the way she held herself , it just appealed to the person inside him and he needed to know more about her . He didn 't even dare to go to her and ask her name , he found it out by peaking into the class list . Secret admiration grew inside him , and he was killing himself for a way to get to her . It would be prudent to say that he lived on like this . He knew that he couldn 't pass a single moment without thinking about her , and he returned to Facebook with a new vigor . He started talking to a whole lot more people , he started putting more of his life onto the net , yet he didn 't dare send her a friend request . For doing so would have been him making the first move , and he didn 't dare do that . I suppose there was that political side inside him , which analyzed each situation far harder than he should have . One day , he reached late to class because he was coming from a friend 's house . Miraculously , the entire class had chosen just that very day to all be present , and that wasn 't even an important class . I suppose most of them had gotten bored of bunking classes , and it was just unfortunate for him that they had chosen just that day to reach and enter on time . There wasn 't a single seat empty for him , any , except one . This was by her side . Reprimanded by the teacher , he went and sat down beside her . Normally , people would have been cursing the teacher for having embarrassed them in front of their batch . But he wasn 't thinking about any of that . After an hour of molar concepts , all he retained in memory was that she smelled of strawberries . Sitting in an examination hall , we always daydream about what we are going to do once the exams get over and the crazy fun we would have with our friends . A lot of people end up lazing about at home , eating all day long and updating their FB status , to hell with those plans . But these times won 't come back ever again , school is going to start once again and we 're going to dissolve into the hectic oblivion that is school life . So I hope you enjoyed yourself in these few days , cos it 's not going to get any easier . For my batch , it 's going to be the last year of school - life . Nostalgia is kicking in since we gave a farewell to the batch of 2012 , and we just can 't believe that it 's all going to end soon . Cry all you like , everyone remembers school life and all the fun that it was . It 's hard to believe that we won 't ever be fully assembled again , that everyone is going their own separate way soon , and that friendships made can 't last forever . There 're the boards too , you know , but we shouldn 't ponder on the depressing thoughts , should we ? School life 's boring for some , but it 's heaven on Earth for others . I 'll be going to Hell when I die , but that 's not relevant right now . Within the infinite boundaries of school lies your childhood , the urge to succeed , the urge to be known , and the glory of enjoying . Bonds grow deeper , friendships spring up , and people get the social urge to interact . It makes us ready to face what 's out there in that big world , but that 's just old talk . Rather , it makes us ready to face what is inside us . I mean β¦ each of us gets the urge to go and watch a movie every night , don 't we ? School life controls that urge in us , by giving us homework β¦ I won 't go on forever because I do hate blabbing like this . It 's better when you 've got a comrade in arms to do the dirty work with you , but no such luck for me . Chalo , I won 't bore you anymore . Vella tha , likhne ka mann kiya , and here it is . Best of luck for your results , now Ciao . We 11thies did our best to put up a great show for you guys , and I hope it went to your satisfaction . I don 't know about you guys , but some of us got pretty senti thinking about our own farewell next year . We understand now how much this school means to anyone , and how we 're going to miss everything that comes our way in some form or the other within the campus of GBS , Saket . In the end , I believe our hard - work paid off . First of all , major kudos to the backdrop guys . In my opinion , this was the best backdrop GBS has ever seen , and certainly one of the most technical ones . I know how much the guys of SS1 - B worked on it , and it all ended off with Saurav Roy lying across 4 art room tables placed together painting the Scooby - Doo gang . Now that this has all finished , I think that I can share some details that people have been demanding from the 11thies . I do think that we deserve some applause for managing to keep our mouths shut , and so keep the sanctity of the farewell . Today , we all are so bloody exhausted , bodies ache , minds off the radar , no level of concentration , and yeah , no god - damn sense of time . Thank God it 's a Sunday , and a good long sleep was needed , and received . But nah , I won 't really share details . Let 's just keep the farewell shrouded in as much mystery as possible π I hope the soon - to - be alumni appreciated our efforts to put on a great show for them , and enjoyed their last day in the school . All of them looked great , and special congrats to Abhishek and Malini , our Mr . and Ms . GBS . Everyone looked glamorous in their suits and saris , and we were in awe for having seen the transformation . It was your day guys , and I hope you enjoyed it . We did our best with the dances and all , and it all came back to us when the 12th ka boys gang stood up and started dancing along with us . The Bhangra boys did their bit , and it was a great sight to see them dancing in their suits . Even the teachers smiled at them and their new - found sense of freedom , and it was all we could do to not join in with them . We did our bit at the end of the play , storming onto the stage , reminding them what they 're going to miss at the end of the day , and inversely , how much we 're going to miss them . It 's the dawn of a new day at GBS , and it will be a sad day without you guys there all the time . |
George was born in rural Australia , in 1960 . He was the eldest son in a family of two parents and four children . As a child he was interested in music and sport , and was a proficient athlete . George joined the police force at the earliest opportunity and his career ended after retiring from Ill - health . He lives in rural Australia with his wife Emma . George has had many unusual experiences and UFO sightings , the majority of which this report will cover in depth . In April 2009 , he decided to go for hypnotic regression by renowned hypnotherapist Mary Rodwell to see if it would provide him with any answers . The near - complete transcript of this regression can be read towards the end of the report . George 's journey began in March 1994 . He was in the bathroom getting ready for work when he heard a voice in his head . He at first thought this voice was his own . The voice told him not to go to work that day . The first obvious vision that George had took place in 1997 when he was 37 years old . Towards the end of August he started dating Sophie , a lady who had emigrated from England . On 20th September he was vacuuming his home in Bairnsdale , Victoria , when he kept seeing the image of an older gentleman in his mind . He recognised this man as Sophie 's father who had passed away two years earlier . He had never met him before but had seen a photograph of him on Sophie 's dresser . In his mind he saw her father slapping him on the back and saying " Look after her son and she 'll never let you down " . He also saw the name Eric written in big black capital letters . Later he drove to Sophie 's house to pick her and her daughter up to take them out to the country for the weekend . As they left town and were heading across the highway , he asked her " What was your father 's name ? " She replied " Roger " . George was a little perplexed by this as this wasn 't the answer he was expecting to hear . But then she continued , " Actually his real name is Eric , but nobody knows that . He was christened as Eric but all his documents and drivers licence had Roger . " George was so taken aback he almost drove off the road ! He exclaimed to her , " I was just talking to him before ! " George was both stunned and confused . He asked her whether she had told him her father 's name before , to which she replied " No " . He asked her if she was certain and she said " Yes , if I did I would have told you Roger . He hated his real name and he used Roger on all of his documents . Even his driver 's licence . Everyone knows him as Roger " . George replied " I saw him before in my mind and he kept saying ' Look after her son and she 'll never let you down ' . And he was laughing and slapping me on the back . Are you sure you haven 't told me his name ? " Sophie said " It doesn 't surprise me . I feel him around me a lot of the time . I would have told you Roger or just Dad . " George was a little surprised at how un - perturbed she seemed by his revelation . An hour later Sophie asked him what the date was . When he told her , she replied " This is my wedding anniversary . I married Gregg on the 20th September in 1984 . That is what my father would have said to Gregg ! " On a number of occasions , George has heard disembodied voices or seen apparitions of people in his house . He is not sure whether or not these incidents are linked to his contact experiences , but it is possible that they are due to a heightened awareness that his experiences have granted him . Perhaps they are ghosts / spirits that he is now able to detect as a result , though he of course cannot say for sure . One night in the late 1990 's while he was single , George was suddenly awoken around 4 . 30am by a voice in his bedroom . He heard what sounded like the voice of a young girl coming from a position level with his head on the pillow . She said " Wake up George ! " At the same time he heard four knocks on the bedside bench . The voice then said " Wake up ! " and again accompanied by four knocks on the bench . It was pitch black in the room and George could not see anything . He was not frightened by the voice , and instead reacted like a concerned parent . He switched on the light and asked " Can I help you ? " but there was no - one there . George felt there was a definite presence in the room and that the voice was not just a dream . As the voice had been at head - height , if it did come from someone they would have been about three feet high . On another night in 1999 , he awoke about 3 - 4am to the feeling that someone was in the room . George could see a tall slim man with thick chestnut - coloured hair , wearing jeans and a flannelette shirt , standing next to his bed . He could see this man even though it was apparently pitch black in the room , which is an interesting aspect of this incident . The man did not move or communicate with George . As soon as he switched on the light , the figure completely vanished . Later the same year , George also saw what appeared to be a stout , middle aged 17th century soldier wearing a red tunic with white lace top , and holding a stick of some kind , perhaps a drumstick . George feels it was around 4am again . This apparition walked through his bedroom and kept on going straight through the wall . In 1998 George decided to join a group known as the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families group ( ACOA ) . Members of the group knew of a nearby Reiki class . George decided he would go along with a couple of the other members . He was inquisitive about it and thought that it couldn 't hurt . In early August he was given a Reiki on a massage table at a friend 's house by his friend Marie and another group member . While he was under the Reiki , George drifted into a semi - sleep state . In this state he found himself drifting down towards a large stone wall with land behind it . He was then standing in a large gravelled area where a bazaar was in progress . A man came into view from his left . The man was wearing a turban and a crimson speckled George . The man had golden - brown coloured skin and a moustache and beard . Even though he did not speak , George immediately felt akin to him . Another shorter man dressed in white clothing came in from George 's right and exchanged greetings with the first man . The men appeared to know each other . They led George across to the right to the edge of the land . This lead down into water which spread out into the distance underneath a sun - filled sky . The man in white drew George 's attention across the water towards the light . George was then told that he was one of them and that he was going to help bring all people back to God . They were very out - numbered but in the end the truth would prevail and people would turn back to faith . He was told he was young and good but also naive , and would need to learn a lot before he would be ready to assist in this endeavour . George then found himself near a darkened entrance in the rock wall . A number of women were spinning wool near the entrance . He felt that this was pressure to commit to something , and that he should only walk into the entrance when he was ready . He said " Do I have to do this now ? Commit now ? " A voice replied to him " No , only when you 're ready " . He then became aware he was lying on the table and could see a tape of letters going past his eyes right to left . He recognised some of the words but others he hadn 't seen before . One of the words he saw was Ramana . For some reason he began to speak this word out loud until he was brought back to full awareness . George felt a little embarrassed about it . A few days later on the 9th August , George was telling his sister June about the experience . He wrote down some of the words he had seen and then felt compelled to draw . This appeared to be happening automatically , as if he was tracing out a shape that had already been defined . George is not an artist and wondered if it was him drawing or someone else . First he drew Ramana . He then filled in an object behind him which turned out to be an elephant . George began to see a mountain in his mind and get a strong impression of where Ramana lived . He then drew a map showing coast lines , borders and the position where the man lived . Unfortunately George has since lost this map drawing . At the time George was not familiar with the world map and didn 't recognise the area he had drawn . He had no idea whether or not Ramana actually existed . Soon afterwards he put the drawing of Ramana he had done on his lounge wall . In April 2000 George 's friend Valerie came to visit . When she saw the picture on the wall she asked who the man was . George had come to believe that he was a spirit guide to him in some way . She asked his name and George told her he had come to know the man as Ramana . She asked how he had found out the man 's name and George explained how it had come to him in the vision . Valerie replied " Do you realise he is a real person ? " George asked " How do you mean ? " She told him " Ramana Raharshi was a healer in India . He died a long time ago " . George had no idea and was quite stunned by this revelation . When they looked at the map George had drawn , they found out that this too was real and showed an area of India . The location George marked on the map , and the low mountain he had seen in the vision were both correct . Ramana lived in Tiruvannamalai , Tamil Nadu , South India . He walked up the mountain named Arunachala daily . He was a Hindu spiritual teacher , and declared himself an Atriasrami - Someone completely withdrawn from the outside world and entirely dedicated to spiritual freedom . Ramana died on 14th April 1950 . George feels that his vision was from the 1920 's when Ramana was still relatively healthy . George was not interested in India or Indian culture , nor had he been taught it at school . There is no explanation for why he had the vision of this man , and at the time he had no idea he was even a real person . In late 2008 Valerie visited India . When she showed George her holiday photos , he saw huge rock walls which looked very similar to those he had seen in the vision . George believes that the vision of Ramana was presented to him for a reason . Back when it took place he felt it was God 's way of letting him know there is more to life than just the five senses . He now believes it may have something to do with his contact experiences in some way . He believes that Ramana is a protector and guide of some kind , and that the man in white was a higher being representative of the light . One Sunday afternoon in July 1999 , George went on a trip to Picton about 16 km from his home . About 3 . 30pm he decided to return to Beeton . There are two return routes to Beeton , the common route is the Beeton - Picton Road , or alternatively there is the Fern Creek Road which heads further inland . George reached a location known as Echo Point and then for some reason decided to turn onto the Fern Creek Road , something he would not usually do . As he drove along he thought to himself " Why did I go this way ? " He assumed he must have subconsciously wanted to visit his friend Paul who lived just off the Fern Creek Road . Further on the route he decided he didn 't want to go there so he drove on into Beeton . As he drove along Light Street , towards the turning into Donald Street , he noticed a small blue truck facing West on the corner . Someone was in the driver 's seat but the truck was stationary . As George got closer he recognised the driver as his old friend Andy Mitchell who he had not seen in a long time . Andy had been a well respected builder in the town , and George also recognised the truck as his work vehicle with the name " A . Mitchell " on the door . He waved at him and Andy acknowledged him by lifting a finger off the wheel . George had used to visit Andy 's nightclub regularly . One night there in 1992 , Andy had confided in him that he had leukaemia , and had required bone marrow transplants numerous times to stay alive . As George drove on past he thought to himself " He looks bloody good for a bloke who should have been dead ten years ago . I 'm glad I saw him " . Andy had been there for George during a bad patch of his life soon after he left the police force . He turned right and continued onward to his home . The following Tuesday or Wednesday , George decided to visit his friend Paul , who ran a gym in the local area . Paul was busy chatting to someone else , so while he waited , George picked up a newspaper that was lying around . At the time he had the habit of reading the paper from the back . As he got to the obituaries he saw the name Andy Mitchell . He immediately thought it must have been Andy 's father who had died . He interrupted Paul to ask him , and Paul informed him that it was Andy who had died and not his father . George was surprised and said " Geez it can happen quick can 't it ? I only saw him the other day . He looked great " . George 's assumption was that Andy had died suddenly since the weekend . Seeing Paul was in deep conversation he said goodbye and headed back home . At the time , George would often go to the Triton Hotel about 5pm in the evening to catch up with the locals and have some drinks . As he was newly retired this was a good way to stay in touch with people . That evening as he drove into town he suddenly had the strong urge to head towards the Central Hotel instead . This felt strange but because he knew others who drank there he went along with it . As he arrived he realised his friends were there . He went to get a beer and then joined them for a chat . About 20 minutes past , and Daryl , another old friend of his walked into the bar . Daryl was a retired sergeant but did some work at the bar as a doorman . George assumed he was there to collect a pay check . As he entered the bar , he walked right up to George , picked up a newspaper and said to him " Hey Georgie , did you see this ? " He pointed at Andy 's obituary . " It 's impossible ! You must be seeing things . He was in the City Hospital for the last six weeks dying . He was in a coma for the last ten days , and died a very painful death . " George felt awkward and confused . He was certain he had seen both Andy and his old truck . He had looked right at him . Andy had even acknowledged him . He did not want to offend Daryl by pushing the issue . In the weeks that followed , George could not get what had happened out of his head . He went to Andy 's funeral and was considering telling Andy 's wife Jenny what had happened but decided not to in the end . Many times he thought about visiting Daryl 's house to take a look at the old truck just to confirm that the words on the door were " A . Mitchell " but he was too worried about what he might think of him . George was friends with the neighbours of his friend Valerie . At Christmas time , they were out one warm evening and the neighbours came outside for a chat . They started reminiscing old times and Tim mentioned the nightclub . George then remembered that Tim had used to work on the door of the club . He informed him about Andy 's death . He also told him about how Andy had opened up to him about his ill health . Tim replied that he must have liked George because he wouldn 't waste time chatting to people he didn 't like . Tim also said that he was a very fair and good boss . It was now that George learnt that Tim had actually helped Andy with his building work as well as with the club . George decided to seize the opportunity and ask him about the truck . " Nah it was just A dot Mitchell . We actually used to give him a hard time because it only had his name and not Jenny 's on it . He said if Jenny ever left him at least he 'd have something to show for it . All his other work stuff had A and J Mitchell Builders on it . " Soon afterwards George visited Andy 's grave , and the photograph on the headstone was exactly the same as the person he had seen in the blue truck . He doesn 't know why or how , but he is completely convinced that on that day in July 1999 he saw a vision of Andy Mitchell and his old truck shortly before the time that he died , even though Andy spent his final weeks in a hospital bed . This and other experiences George has had suggest that he has heightened senses and can sometimes see apparitions . Whether or not this has been brought on by his contact experiences is not currently known . Since 1990 George has had numerous impressive and varied sightings of UFOs . Some of these have appeared as glowing lights in the sky , others have had definite solid structure to them . He believes that some of the glowing UFOs may have been solid craft , where as others may have been in the form of energy . In some of the sightings , George believes that he was being shown them on purpose rather than being a random observer . In many there have been multiple witnesses , which validates them as real objects . He has also managed to take a number of interesting photographs . George has been fascinated by UFOs for most of his life , but has only started looking into them in detail in recent years . His first real sighting of unknown aerial phenomenon did not occur until late 1998 / early 1999 . It was around midnight , and a clear night with the stars visible . George was in the back yard of his house chatting with his friend Marie who was sitting in the back doorway . He was also playing ball with his dog . They were casually drinking beer at the time , but had not had a lot . George was looking towards the house when suddenly his attention was drawn to what he first thought was an unusually bright star . It was a pure white light to the South West and high in the sky . He thought to himself " That 's not where a bright star should be " . Then suddenly the object grew to three times it 's original size . He exclaimed " Wow ! " out loud . George felt that there was some sort of intelligence to it . At this moment he received two messages in his head , " We love you " , and " Someone standing next to you may not see us " . He continued to stare at the light . After about eight seconds it started to shrink in size . As it did so a mild mist passed it , and George wondered how small it would get . Then suddenly it completely disappeared . There was no obstruction such as a cloud which could have accounted for this . This sudden disappearance impressed him . Looking back at the incident he likens it to a dimensional window that closed in front of the object . This would not be the last time that George would see something act in this manner . After George explained to Marie what he had seen , she smiled and described it as a " mind touch " , and told George they were just letting their presence known to him . At the time he didn 't really fully believe this . Today he does . Up until several years ago , George 's vision was excellent . Today his vision is still very good although he now reads with glasses . So this is unlikely to have been the cause of the incident . The fact the light was stationary and then grew considerably in size , and the messages that George received suggest it wasn 't a satellite or meteorite . George believes that the object was in the atmosphere rather than in orbit . There is a mountain north of Beeton . George has walked on this mountain many times and is especially drawn to the place . He would walk from the crossroads near the base of the mountain , up a gravel road which leads up it , to a gate at the top . He used to do this every few days . On 13th April 2001 he went there with his friend Valerie . It was 9pm and the sun had gone down , the weather was clear and the sky a magenta colour . They had reached the top of the mountain and were on their way back down the road . They were talking about the bad things that people do to each other , and how beings from other planets would view our race . George remarked " You know Valerie , these poor bastards probably think we 're mad here . And who do we think we are ? How would we feel if they said we didn 't exist ? " They continued walking . Several minutes later , George noticed a bright white light coming from above them . He turned to Valerie and saw that she was already staring up at it . He looked also and knew immediately it was them . They could see a stationary bright white light in the sky . George estimates it was about 3000 feet high . He exclaimed " Now that 's not a shooting star is it ? " As they watched , the object suddenly increased in size by at least two times . It is unknown whether the object increased physically in size or if this was just caused by an increase in the light intensity . The light was like a shimmering pure white globe and there was a dark purple corona between the light and the dark . Valerie was awestruck and said " Wow . " She had heard George 's accounts of sightings he had had , but had never experienced anything before herself . George replied " Scared ? " She said " Nooo β¦ " . She then put her hand up to her chest , and informed George that she felt love . Several seconds later the object collapsed back down to its original size . It then began moving away from their position and climbing in altitude . They watched it as it slowly vanished from sight over three minutes . George was pleased that Valerie had finally had an experience herself . He assumes they must have heard what he said and appeared on purpose . The object certainly appeared to be under intelligent control , and there is no doubt in George 's mind that it was an ET craft . The sudden increase in size of the light is identical to what happened in the late 1998 / early 1999 sighting , suggesting that it was a similar object or an object being controlled to the same effect . Later the same year on 3rd August another impressive sighting took place . It was 8 . 00pm in the evening , and George was getting ready to drive across town to see his friend Valerie and her 16 year old son Dan . He got into his car outside his house . The sun had gone down a couple of hours earlier and it was a clear and starry night . He reversed out of his drive way and was looking to the East , when he immediately noticed a golden orange glow low down in the sky to the South East . He thought to himself " It 's them " but then wondered if it was the security light at the Army Hall which was situated in that direction . He braked the car to a halt to see if the glowing light was stationary . It was now that he realised it was moving ! The light was moving slowly in a westerly direction . George became excited as this light was familiar to him . He quickly drove the car to the end of the street and parked again . On the opposite corner were three people , two were obviously in the process of leaving . George felt a little awkward as he thought they may assume he was watching them . In the background the golden glow continued moving to the west . Less than a minute later George decided to drive around the corner and south to the council yards where he could get a better look at the glowing light . Here he got out of the car . The light was now clearer and sharper , and looked very beautiful . It continued slowly in front of him high up in the sky , and then suddenly became stationary . George thought about driving over to Valerie 's house so they could see it to . At this moment something said to him " There 's no hurry , it 's ok , there 's no need to do that " . For an unknown reason George felt that Valerie and Dan would see the light anyway , and there would be no need for him to go and tell them about it . George continued to watch the stunning golden glow in the sky in front of him . George estimates it was half a mile south of his position and between 800 - 1000 feet high . He watched it for about eight minutes in awe . Then the light began to dim in intensity until it had completely switched off . George could now see the object the light had been coming from . It looked like a small , dull , shiny stone . It then dropped and swooped to the right underneath a second shiny stone he noticed as the first one dropped . He then realised there was a second object which remained stationary next to where the first had been situated moments ago . Excited by this impressive sighting , George drove over to Valerie 's house five minutes away . When he arrived he immediately went back outside to see if he could see anything else in the sky . Valerie asked " You 've seen them haven 't you ? " George replied " Yep , and I think they 're coming back " . George called for Dan to come and watch with him outside . He did so , and they leant against the car looking to the South . About 5 - 7 minutes passed , and then suddenly two golden coloured stationary lights appeared in the sky . One light was diagonal from the other , with a short distance between them . George called Valerie and she too came outside and saw the lights . They remained motionless in the sky for about four minutes and then suddenly vanished without trace . This was an impressive series of events , and the fact that there were multiple witnesses certainly shows it actually took place . The colour of the objects is not consistent with them being aircraft , and the fact that they moved slowly and hovered motionless means they cannot have been meteorites . They are also unlikely to have been earth lights , and these do not tend to appear over urban areas . Neither George nor Valerie can remember the exact date when this sighting occurred , but they were both present for it . They were in George 's car driving along Lion Street in Beeton . George suddenly noticed a glowing golden light in the cloudy sky to the North West . It appeared to be stationary . He stopped the car at the corner and they watched it . It was like a big bright star , but golden yellow in colour . There was a group of teenagers also on the corner but they either didn 't notice the light or were ignoring it . They drove up to the hill and continued to watch it from there . It remained in the sky , and Valerie said it must be a star , but George was sure it was not . Then it was covered by a cloud , so after a few minutes they decided to drive to Valerie 's house . When the sky cleared the object had vanished . The unusual thing about this sighting was that the other people present did not appear to notice the object at all even though it was very obvious . George says it felt as if the were in a separate time slot to everyone else . In total they watched the object for about 15 minutes . On the 1st December 2001 , George was having an evening drink outside with his friend Valerie at his house . The weather was bright and breezy . George was standing in the back yard 15 feet from the door facing South East , and Valerie was seated on the lawn facing North West . Outside the front of George 's house is a 50 foot high Gum tree . He could see the top of this tree over the roof of his house . Suddenly something came floating into his vision above the tree , heading in a northwards direction . His first thought was that it was a floating piece of tin or cardboard . But as he focused on the object he could see it was rectangular in shape , and a metallic looking deep red colour . It had rounded corners and three or four straight black coloured grooves in its underside . It also had four or five aluminium - like antennae protruding from one of the corners . The object was moving slowly on a northward path , and was slowly turning anti - clockwise . It was completely silent , and appeared to be 300 - 400 feet high . It did not appear to be being propelled in any way , and was emitting no smoke or gas . It looked like a solid dense object which was freely floating of its own accord . George pointed out the object to Valerie . She saw it approaching and exclaimed " Gee it 's moving ! " As it passed , George saw it on the horizontal , and compared the shape to that of a traditional biscuit tin . They continued to watch the object until it had disappeared out of sight . The whole sighting lasted for a minute at most . One night in 2001 / 2002 ( he cannot remember the exact date ) , George let the dog out into the back yard of his house . He was out in the yard and happened to look to the west . He then noticed two or three small lights moving and tangling around each other , and coming in his direction . They appeared to be 1000 - 1500 feet high . As they got closer , George could see them as soft milky coloured lights in the dark sky . The lights were completely silent . As they approached they formed a triangular formation and flew past George continuing eastward . The lights certainly appeared under intelligent control , but George could not make out any solid shapes behind the lights . It certainly seems that these lights were coming from actual objects rather than natural phenomena due to the straight flight path and fact the lights were moving together in formation . George cannot remember the date of this particular UFO sighting but is sure it was in either 2001 or 2002 . It was late afternoon about 5pm , and the sky was clear . He arrived home and walked out into the back yard of his house . He was at the South - East corner of the house when something suddenly made him look straight up into the sky . When he did so , he saw what looked like a dull grey metal disc - shaped object hovering stationary in the air . It was hard to tell how high it was , but he believes it was very high up , at least 3000 feet , and one fifth the size of his thumbnail at arm 's length . He does not believe anyone else saw the object as it was very high in the air . It certainly looked like a solid metallic craft of unknown type . He was awestruck by what he had seen , and still is when he thinks back to the incident . One evening in September 2002 , George drove out to see the Beeton football finals at the local football ground . When he arrived home it was getting dark . He went into his lounge and put the light on , but nothing happened . He could hear the TV coming from next door so knew it was only his property that was affected . He checked the fuse box but could find no fault . He decided to call out the local power company to check up on the problem . Half an hour later two people from the power company turned up . They decided the power line at the front of the property was faulty and would need replacing . As they got to work on it , George decided to grab a beer and head out into the back yard . He was standing in the back yard about 7 . 30pm listening to the radio , when he spotted a golden orb of light coming from the North quite slowly , on the western side of the fence , above the gulley which ran along the side of his house . The object was roughly 200 metres high . He ran and grabbed his binoculars from the bedroom dresser . He then returned outside and watched the golden molten orb of light as it passed by the property . He tried to urge it to stop but it continued on a straight flight path . After it had gone he went around front and asked the workers if they had seen it too , but because they were distracted they hadn 't noticed the object . They finished fixing the power line and tested it before departing . The following morning , George was on his way out when he realised his car battery was dead . It was so drained of power that he couldn 't even jump start it . The battery was relatively new and had not caused any trouble prior to this . In the end he had to get his mechanic friend to bring over his super jump starter pack , and they had to jump start the vehicle three times on the way to the garage . George wonders if this unusual power drainage , and perhaps the power outage , were in some way linked to the object which he had seen . He does not believe the object was something mundane , such as a home - made garbage bag lantern or balloon . Several days later , George had an appointment in the City and asked his brother Martin to come along for the trip . In the evening they were driving back to George 's house . It was around 7 . 30pm and dusk . They were travelling along the highway when Martin needed to use the toilet . George pulled into the public toilets on the main street of Smithville . George was leaning against his truck facing to the West when a light gradually came into view . He watched as the light expanded and slowly moved northward on a horizontal path . George describes the object as " slug shaped " rather than an orb and was a mild whitish colour . His brother came out of the toilets so George called him and pointed out the light to him . Martin , who had had a few drinks , laughed and said " Shit , I can 't believe I have seen one ! It 's great " . They watched it for a number of seconds before it faded out . George is not sure whether or not it was extraterrestrial in nature . Later when they arrived home , George grabbed a beer and then sat in the kitchen talking with his brother . After about an hour , they decided to go out into the back yard as it was a clear night . Martin was quite drunk by this time , but George was still sober and reflective . Suddenly something made him look straight up into the sky above . Initially he saw nothing , but almost immediately a ring of lights appeared in sequence to form more than a semi - circle shape . He quickly tried to grab Martin 's head to direct him to look up but by the time he had done this the lights had vanished George 's impression was that the lights were either a circle of separate objects that were very high up and illuminated one after the other , or that there was a larger single object at a lower position which had tilted and gave a display of a number of lights upon it . If it was the later of these , he did not see any solid object behind the lights . The lights were clearly defined much like halogen lights in the night sky . George is very happy to have had this sighting , and is convinced that it was something out of the ordinary . One night in 2002 George had a very vivid " dream " in which he saw a UFO . In the dream , he was standing outside near a letter box at his childhood home and it was a warm night . He could feel the warm breeze against his face . He looked up into the sky and saw a craft move off to the south from about 300 feet up . It looked like a grey coloured circular disc shape with a mauve colour at the centre . In 2003 a counsellor invited George to sit in on a men 's support group . One of the men there was very angry and couldn 't accept the fact his wife was changing as a person . George was concerned for him . He became even more concerned as the man 's manner changed after being medicated . The following day George went swimming and met one of the other men from the group . He learnt that during the night or the day before , the angry man he knew of had committed suicide . George wonders if the two events were linked , but he has no way of knowing for sure . On numerous occasions George has taken photographs of the sky in the hope of catching something unusual . This photo was taken from the driveway of his house . It may be merely a bird , but it does look metallic as if it reflecting the sunlight . Could this be a disc - shaped craft that George unwittingly photographed ? This incident did not happen to George , but to a friend of his brother 's named Stan . One night in October 2008 , George was chatting with his brother Martin online via Messenger . His brother knows about George 's views and some of his experiences . He said to him " Got a mate lives near you . Saw something unusual up the bush a few months back β¦ grey type of unusual thing " . George asked his brother for more details . In early 2008 , Stan had been working on a property in rural Australia clearing up trees and bushes . All day long he felt a strange feeling of being watched . It was 3 . 15pm and Stan was just finishing off , clearing some bushes from around the front gate of the property . He finished clearing and put away his tools in his tray vehicle . As he closed the door , he suddenly noticed that he was being observed by a " classic " Grey being . It was standing about 40 metres away from him , slightly higher on the hillside and partially hidden behind a bush . The being was short with a large head , pale grey coloured skin , and two large black almond - shaped eyes . Stan was of course shocked by what he was looking at . He stood there for a while , staring at the being . It did not move and in the end he decided to leave . He went to close the gate and looking up again he could still see the Grey staring at him . Stan got into his truck and drove away . After hearing the story , George immediately felt it was very important to meet Stan and speak to him about his encounter . It suddenly became the most essential thing for him to do , and he was highly agitated by it . He believed that the story was genuine but could not understand his reaction to hearing it . He asked his brother to pass on his number to Stan . A week later Stan called George and they had a long conversation . George and Emma first met Stan in person in November 2008 . George describes Stan as a very honest , intelligent and hard working man , and is absolutely certain that the incident took place as Stan described . After their initial meeting , George was still highly agitated and was having trouble sleeping . Stan 's story had affected him deeply in ways he did not then fully understand . He felt worried about going outside and kept staring up at the roof of the house . He knew there had to be a reason for this . After a while he settled down and things seemed to be getting back to normal , but then it all started again . Martin 's girlfriend had a copy of Mary Rodwell 's book " Awakening " . She decided to lend it to George to read , as she knew he had experienced things . When George began reading the book , he became even more uncomfortable and found it even harder to get to sleep . Spurred by these unexplained feelings he was having , George began to make plans to visit Mary Rodwell for a hypnotic regression . One evening in November 2008 George and Emma were coming home from a trip to town . They were driving along the road when George suddenly felt compelled to take a photograph of the sunset . He pulled over , and set his digital camera on night portrait - without flash mode . He then leant it on the driver 's side open window . He took two photographs . Suddenly there were two flashes heading North between the two bright stars he could see in the sky . George was annoyed that the camera hadn 't been ready to take at that moment . He continued to take more photographs before continuing the drive home . On 18th January 2009 George aimed his camera at the sky and took a sequence of three shots . The first photo showed nothing but on the 2nd and 3rd appeared two white glowing orbs in close proximity to one another . George feels there is the possibility these are not simply birds caught in the sunlight . However , they are at such a distance it is hard to say for sure . It was around 6 . 00am on 22nd March 2009 , shortly before George went for his regression , when he had another fascinating vision . At this time he was having trouble sleeping with the light off , so they would obscure it with a cuddly toy rather than switch it off . As with many nights , George and Emma had stayed up very late chatting . George believes he eventually dropped off to sleep around 5am . He awoke an hour later with the feeling of a presence in the room . He opened his eyes and could see that Emma was also awake . He rolled over in bed away from her extremely fast , and could immediately see a figure standing next to the bed in front of him . The being looked like a tall , thin aged humanoid , probably female , wearing a white Georgee / gown with dark line down the centre . The woman 's head was small and roundish in shape . She had white coloured skin and close - set , very intense staring eyes which appeared dark but not black - George believes they were very dark brown . Coming outward from the eyes were darkish lines . She had long straggled hair that hung over the sides of her head to just below the ears . The hair was like spaghetti tubing and was white with a blue tinge to it . The being was standing straight and looking down at George . There appeared to be white light coming from behind the figure . George stared deeply into the eyes of the being for several seconds , and as he did it seemed to become even more physical . He was surprised and pointed up at the being saying to Emma " Look ! " At that moment the being appeared to fade away to nothing . Emma informed George she did not see the being but had seen him point up at where it was standing . The being did not appear to communicate with him in any way . George is convinced that the manifestation was real and that he was fully awake at the time . He believes the being appeared for a reason . Probably to validate his feelings that there are presenses in his life . George believes that the being was very old and wise . He has heard of tall slim humanoids but this is the only time he has seen one . This being bears striking similarities to those seen by both Simon , the key witness in the Bletchley contact case , in late June 2009 , and by Daniel , the contactee from Bromsgrove during his contact experience when he was three years old . These similarities include the long white robes , height and build , stern serious look , dark piercing eyes , shoulder - length hair and elderly appearance . It is quite possible that the beings were all of the same race / type . If so this highlights the fact that this is a world - wide phenomenon . All his life George has had recurring dreams of flying or floating upward . When he does he is always worried about hitting power lines . He never feels fully in control and is scared of being electrocuted , but even when he thinks he hits them he never feels any electricity . Just prior to going to see Mary Rodwell for his regression he had a dream of this type . He was on a street in his hometown . He could see people he knew sitting outside and drinking coffee . He then began to float upwards . When he looked up , instead of seeing power lines , he saw a grid covered vent . He was able to control himself and move around it . Ever since going for the regression he has not had another dream of this type . George believes this is significant . He believes that he has lost his fear of being electrocuted when he has contact and this is why he no longer has the dream . In April 2009 just before going to meet Mary Rodwell for the first time , George and Emma visited the mall in Perth . It was a bright and clear day . George took some pictures of the tall buildings . When he got back home he scanned in the photographs and noticed something unusual in one of them . When he zoomed in on the anomaly he was amazed to see that to him it resembled two beings . This was especially interesting considering the purpose of his trip . Was this pure coincidence or a genuine sign that George was being watched ? In April 2009 George and Emma flew to Perth so that George could undergo a hypnotic regression by renowned hypnotherapist Mary Rodwell . They met for a number of hours the day before his regression to discuss George 's experiences . He then returned at mid - day the next day to be regressed by Mary . This regression brought up some interesting information . It may have helped explain the fear which George had felt after speaking with Stan about his incident , and gave the impression that George has been an extraterrestrial contactee for most of his life . Nevertheless Greorge now has no fear or anxiety regarding his contact and has slept soundly since speaking with Mary Rodwell . M : As you 're aware of standing on the top , I want you to walk down the stairs one at a time . Very slowly , and as you walk down you 're going deeper and deeper into that knowing . And we 're going down the steps one at a time very slowly , as we 're going from ten β¦ down to nine β¦ down to eight β¦ you feel yourself going deeper into that knowing β¦ down to seven β¦ six β¦ five β¦ deeper and deeper β¦ four β¦ three β¦ two β¦ one . You 're now at the bottom of the stairway , and right in front of you I want you to imagine , sense or feel a beautiful bright lit passageway , and when you can see that passageway I want you to tell me . You can imagine it , you can create it however you wish to . M : And as you 're walking , and it 's brightly lit , to one side are many doors and each door has a number on it , and each number is a year of your life , going from 1 to your age now , right through to when you were a small child . And I want you to start walking down the passageway , and we 're asking for the beginning or the origin of some of your fear , we want to know when it started , when it began . So as you 're walking down that passageway now , you 're going to be drawn to a particular door with a number on it . M : Ok . So that 's the doorway that I want you to allow yourself to walk through . Only when you 're ready , tell me when you 're ready to walk through it . Only when you 're ready to go . M : You 're one of them . Ok . Is there β¦ can you tell me where you are ? What you 're seeing in front of you ? M : No , you just keep going , you 're doing well . Ok so we 've got some more understanding now , so we 're looking at the origin of your fear and we 're asking that part of you that knows to give you information . So where are you , are you standing inside or outside ? Do you feel like you 're in something or in a room , or do you feel like you 're outside ? Get a sense of where you are , just allow it to unfold , don 't try , see it as it comes . G : Black eyes . Been seeing them since I started here . Through the door , standing , looked down β¦ that kind of got me . Errr β¦ and I 'm not a kid , you know . Errr β¦ errr β¦ what saying me for ? G : And umm β¦ I 've got an ego , ' cause I reckon I 'm pretty handsome . The one I 'm looking at 's not handsome . He is handsome though , it 's weird , smoother than I thought . G : They go around the side or something . His head 's kind of flat , but the eyes are up round the sides . I 'm seeing all these little heads looking at me all the time . Just standing on the floor β¦ and I open the door and walk down and I 'm standing on the floor , and I kind of got stuck there , ' cause when I looked down it was so clear . I can draw it , I 'll draw it one day , but I 'm kind of half way in between , you know , I need to go back , but definitely door one , it was door one , had to go straight down there . It started from forty - nine , we went down , it went pretty quick , there was a white door , walked through , and I 'm looking there , I 'm just looking down and that 's where I 've gotten stuck . G : A shock , I tell ya . Bloody hell ! And because , you know , you look down and it 's your legs you 're looking at β¦ M : Ok . So you can still go back , even if that shocked you out of it , you 're still in hypnosis but you 're just a bit lighter that 's all . Ok , so I want you to go back to that beautiful feeling of calm . And as I go one , two , three , four β¦ G : Oh , I was there , it was me β¦ I can 't believe this . I 'm really finding this hard to believe . I 'm really finding this hard to believe . I think I 'm going fucking nuts . M : You 're doing really well . It 's a big step for you , you 're doing really well . Just allow yourself to go back , you want answers , and you want to understand , and you need to understand what happened . Did you feel yourself actually in that physical body ? Did you feel that you were literally β¦ G : Yes I did . But I got such a shock when I realised I was looking at myself . ' Cause it had to be me , it wasn 't me looking at someone behind me or in front of me . M : Ok . So there was something to do with going through that doorway and seeing your non - human self . It 's a way of finding out now what it is that you 're β¦ your subconscious wants to show you . M : Emma 's fine and she 'll be fine with it , she 's meant to be here . Ok , so what are the emotions ? Tell me what 's going on . M : Ok find out where that emotion has come from , where is it being held ? In your heart ? Ok , have a think about what that emotion is trying to tell you , what 's it trying to say to you ? M : Ok . Now we 're asking that aspect of yourself to show you what it 's trying to show you . So as you 're standing there I want you to tell me what 's directly in front of you . Let it unfold directly in front of you . As you 're standing there as your non - human self . What 's directly in front of you ? Let it unfold and trust your feelings . You 're doing really well . M : Ok , for as long as you can remember . Ok , so we 're going to actually ask them why they 're with you . What have they done to you ? M : Ok . If it 's white I want you to turn down the brightness so you can see more of the detail of where you are . So turn it down , and as you do so things start to become more visible to you , so that you get more of a sense of the space that you 're in , and what you 're standing on , and what 's around you . And as you let this come into your focus I want you to say it as you perceive it . M : Just relax , you 're doing really really well . The beings are still there . How many of the beings are still there ? Look around you . What do you see around you ? G : Errr there 's a chair , big square top chair , facing that way . It 's big β¦ it 's big β¦ big . Window . There 's chairs along the perimeter . G : Well they 're looking at me . They 're looking at me , they 're looking at me . They 've stopped , they 're onto me ( Gasp ) . They 're onto me . Some of the faces are very very clear , very β¦ they just pop in , pop in , pop in , pop in , pop in , pop in . And the big one 's right in front of me , and he 's still here β¦ M : Can you ask him , or it , who it is and why they 're there ? Why they 've started looking at you ? He wants you to know . Talk to him . G : ( Chuckles ) He smiled ! He smiled ! He smiled at me , he smiled at me , didn 't know he had a mouth ( Laughs ) . He smiled at me ! He did , I 'm not joking ! G : " You are me " . Oh he 's looking at me . God , he 's real , he 's standing there β¦ ( distressed gasps ) . It 's blue . It 's beautiful blue in here . M : Ok . So ok , so we 'll ask first why you 're being shown your non - human body , what is the reason for that ? Why did you need to see that right now ? G : They 're checking me . They 're checking me , they 're checking to see how I 'm going . That 's what they 're doing . " We 're just checking to see how you 're going . We 're just checking to see how you 're going . It won 't hurt , it 's ok . What did you do at school today ? It 's ok β¦ it 's ok . What you do at school today ? " Ahhh β¦ needle . It 's a needle . It 's a needle . G : It 's very skinny . It 's very little , it 's very little . Small . Tiny . Mini . Can 't hardly see it , it 's skinny . But I can see it . Is that blood ? Is that skin ? No , I can see a pattern there . I can see β¦ clear . G : What 're you doing this for ? " Oh we 're just checking you β¦ we 're just checking you . We care about you , we 're just checking you . We 're just checking you , it 's ok , we do this all the time . " You do this all the time ? " We do this all the time . Do this all the time . " When all the time ? When all the time ? " Oh , when you 're asleep . " Err β¦ he 's making himself look like Casper . And Elmur Fudd . G : Well two , of course . One , three , nine , eighteen β¦ err β¦ I liked them when I was four . I like them now β¦ . It 's ok . They don 't know I knew . Mmm . Elmur Fudd ( chuckles ) . Had me fooled β¦ . ooh β¦ ooh . You know their eyes aren 't always black ? G : They almost err β¦ they 're not like err β¦ I was looking at err Elmur Fudd , and all of a sudden , it 's a big head and the eyes were down here , and they weren 't covered in black , they were β¦ not like cartoon eyes ' cause they 're not like cartoons . But they 're β¦ hard to describe , hard to describe . Anyway , I 'm β¦ at the moment I 'm just a little bit self conscious so I think I need to relax a bit more . G : ' Cause you weren 't ready . We have β¦ we 're ready . I 'm asking them if mum is one of them too . I β¦ see I don 't talk to them out loud you know . G : God , he 's right there . He 's right there Mary . He 's right there , he 's right there . I 'm blown out , you know ? He 's right there . I am my own worst enemy . I think too much . M : You 're asking questions about why you 're being shown your non - human body , what is the purpose of showing you that ? What is it that you need to know on another level about who you are ? What does it show ? G : " It 's ok . You can handle it . We love you . You 're one of us . We help you . We have work to do " . Sounds strange to me . I think ' cause I haven 't been at work for a long time . M : Ok bring him in , bring him there , feel his energy . He 's the one that you 're connecting with to get information . Ask him what kind of mix you are , what kind of mix have they done , what have they done with your genetics ? I want to understand why you feel such hostility to them . What is your mix ? I want whatever you get . M : Yeah β¦ yeah . When you 're actually in that body I want you to feel that body , I want you to feel that body that you perceive to be you . I want you to be aware of it . How you feel it . Tell me what it feels like . G : Very strong . Very strong and very lean β¦ very β¦ but I 'm kind of like a β¦ oh this is unbelievable β¦ like I 'm seeing β¦ I 'm seeing kind of like a β¦ ok I 'll tell you what I 'm seeing β¦ blue . Blue in there , believe it or not . G : Very strong . Very strong . Very very strong . Very β¦ just blue . Very very royal , deep , deep , graduating blue here . I see ribs β¦ . there 's shape β¦ . shape β¦ shape to my torso . It 's not what I 'm expecting to see , which is good , ' cause I 'm seeing what I 'm seeing . M : You 've got to the torso , and I asked you about your head . That 's where you struggle . What 's so hard about the head ? Put your hands up there . M : You don 't have to be in there , you can still get the information from it . You don 't have to be in it . Get the information . Look at it from another perspective . Look at that being , an aspect of you , and look at the way you need to see it . G : Yeah my experience has been so bloody perfecting of me , and my brain has had to work so hard to keep it out of my conscious , that that part of me Mary is still β¦ is so strong . I tell myself that it 's just no no no , that 's just bullshit you know , or I just β¦ I tell myself that I 'm making it up . Get it ? M : You 're doing good . First time you 've ever done this and you 're doing really really well . The first time they 're challenging your conscious mind , you 're doing well . You 've reached the doors and you 've opened them β¦ G : But this is not making sense because I 'm seeing something different now . I 'm seeing more of a lizard head . Now I don 't know whether that 's right . M : Well we talked about that , and we 're asking your subconscious to give you , ultimately we 'll look at whether it 's real or not , but at the moment we 're seeing if you 're allowing your subconscious to offer you information , we 're not asking your subconscious to monitor it , and that 's the only way , and you knew you were going to be challenged . . We 're asking for what genetic mix you are . And you 're seeing various β¦ G : Maybe . I 'm telling you β¦ when I went in there , I definitely saw many many ETs . Little Greys . They 're real . And I saw them . They had personality . Believe it or not , they 're real . I mean , they 're looking at me . G : Yeah . I 've seen them before , but not that clearly , to be honest with you . It 's kind of like I 'm waiting for you to ask me something . G : This is where I don 't know whether I 'm just repeating something or it 's suggestion , you know , and that 's where I stop myself Mary . I 'm sorry but I do . But I 've got in big loud letters Zeta Reticuli . Now I don 't know whether I made that up as I was going along . G : Yes , it is . Shit that 's better . Let 's try that way . If you don 't give me time to think I 'll just say it . G : He 's my older brother ! He 's my older brother ! Older brother . God , you know , they 're kind of like angels too , you know ? M : Mmm . Well you 're just bringing yourself back into that place , pulling yourself into that frequency again . Reach in . You can do this . Mary has worked as a counsellor for 22 years and is very good at judging people 's physical and mental health . She says George is intelligent , articulate and mentally sound . She believes his experiences to be genuine . He has spoke of many things which are patterns of contact , some of which are obscure and which he would not be aware of , even if he had looked into the subject before . Mary believes that knowledge of the subject actually clarifies the contactee 's own experiences , rather than causes them to fabricate stories that haven 't taken place . The markings on his body ( see later ) , contact with beings , premonitions and other experiences are all signs that he is experiencing this for real . She could see that George , as with many of her other clients , almost wished that the regression would prove the experiences had a normal explanation . She was highly impressed with George 's emotional response to what he was remembering under the regression , and believes that this lends a lot of weight to it being real , if it was a fantasy he would not have reacted in the way in which he did . As for the various apparitions and spirit - like phenomena that George has experienced , Mary says this is a common factor in contactee cases , she believes they sometimes become more aware of other dimensions , the " unseen " world . The regression affected George greatly and was a life - changing event for him . He was very shocked by some of the revelations that came out of it . Since it he has become more aware that he may have been an extraterrestrial contactee for most of his life . It has opened his eyes to the possibilities and given reason behind many of his experiences . He still has many reservations about believing that everything he discussed in the regression actually took place , and likes to keep a very open mind . The fear and anxiousness he felt after speaking with Stan about his Grey being sighting completely vanished after the regression . Soon after the dream in July , George started having visions of a smiling Grey - type being in his mind . The vision has appeared at random times throughout the day - time as well as night . The beings skin is light grey with a slight bluish tinge . It has a large rounded cranium , high cheeks and a face which tapers off into a rounded chin . Its eyes are not black but white with pale grey iris and pupils . George is adamant that it is a completely different being to the one he saw in the dream . The being is always smiling when it appears . It has no lips , and off - white coloured pointed teeth . Sometimes the being is facing him and other times looking over its shoulder at him . George refers to the being as " Little Guy " . He isn 't frightened by the being , and feels that he is playful and joyous . When Little Guy appears , George is always drawn to the facial features of the being , and does not really notice the surroundings . However he can see that these surroundings are in darkness . He sometimes feels that the being may be trying to lead him somewhere , which would explain why it is sometimes facing away from him . George is unaware if any communication with this being has taken place . He wonders if it is communicating with him at night , and the vision is recollections of this interaction . George is emotional when he thinks of the being , and is sure that there is something more to it that he doesn 't yet realise . He is also sure that the being he sees is real and not just his imagination . George also remembers one or more incidents linked with the middle bedroom of the house he used to live in . This room he mentioned under regression regarding the beings putting the needle into his ear . He recalls being in this room as a child and staring out of the window at the moon , yet it seemed to be closer and larger than it should have appeared . Could this be memories of seeing something else entirely - an extraterrestrial craft come to check up on him ? Back in 1984 George watched the movie 2001 : A Space Odyssey on TV . He remembers being fascinated by it for some reason . After seeing it he rented and copied a version of it and then proceeded to watch it again and again for over a year . He could not understand why he felt so drawn to it , but could it have been because of its concepts about the origins of life ? Alternatively George says it may have been the music . As you can see , this is a fascinating and highly detailed case . It seems that George is a genuine extraterrestrial contactee . Many of the things he has experienced fit in with other contact cases , including others I have personally investigated . George is very sincere and has nothing to gain from making up his experiences . At the moment he is still on a journey of discovery , and has not yet fully come to terms with what he is and how extraterrestrial contact has changed his life . George is very brave in coming forward with this information , we should all be grateful that he is willing to share such personal experiences with those who choose to listen . Telephone Hotline : 07527 948 730 - Email : contact @ bufog . com Copyright 2006 - 2011 Β© Birmingham UFO Group . All Rights Reserved . Prior Permission Required . Designed by Craig Lowe |
There were five of the Lynde family - three brothers and two sisters . One of the sisters was a widow , one a spinster . The sisters kept house for the brothers , who were all unmarried . The brothers were working a large farm on scientific principles . People said they were getting rich . Their style of living gave evidence of prosperity . About six o ' clock one night the three brothers , with two hired men , came across the stubble of a recently mowed field towards the large white house where supper was awaiting them . The eldest brother , James , came first , walking with a free majesty of carriage . He was a handsome man , nearly forty . Behind James Lynde came his brother Edgar , the youngest of the three . He was also handsome , although with a boyish sort of beauty . He was thirty - five , and looked scarcely more than twenty . The principal expression of his face was one of unquestioning happiness . People said that Edgar Lynde had the happiest disposition of them all . He was a great favorite with everybody , and the hired men would do anything for him . Unquestioning happiness has about it a certain self - centredness . The hired men said that Mr . Edgar would not worry if all the hay on the farm was out and a shower coming up . Women adored him . There was something about this happy - faced man , so happy that he felt no real need of anything more , even of them , which fascinated and allured . The two hired men came after Edgar , walking with the loose , almost disjointed , hip - hop of their kind . Behind them , last of all , came William Lynde . He was slightly younger than James , but he looked much older . He was small , rather unfitted for manual labor by his physical condition . His delicate bones and muscles had become warped into unnatural shapes by exercise , rather than strengthened . He was bent , and moved with unmistakable weariness , yet with a persistency which gave the impression of reserve strength . His face , originally as handsome as that of either of his brothers , was worn , and had a look of dogged patience and humility which usually years alone bring . He seldom spoke . He was unfailingly industrious , but was popularly supposed to accomplish nothing , to know little , and to be " rather lacking . " The hired men held him in no respect . He never raised a voice of authority . He crept after the others several paces in the rear , with his rake over his shoulder . As he walked - they were all moving towards the west - he gazed at the sunset sky . It was a sea of glory : a daffodil radiance , with clouds like wings of gold and silver and pearl . The man 's face , gazing at it , changed . He looked like one for whom a trumpet of action had just sounded . The other men did not notice the sunset at all . Finally they reached the great white house - a fine structure , with a noble array of outbuildings , barns , and storehouses . The hired men entered the kitchen door ; the brothers , with the exception of William , entered a side door , and went directly to their rooms to wash and change their linen before supper . William entered the kitchen door with the hired men . In the kitchen was a masterful maid who had been long with the family . She was capable with a capability almost amounting to genius . The two hired men washed their hands and faces at the sink . William waited his turn , and the maid , whose name was Emma , regarded him with scorn . The kitchen table was set for three . William always ate with the hired men . Emma gave supper to the three men , and to the two brothers and the sisters in the dining - room ; then she had her own supper . After she had seen the three men in the kitchen eating , the two hired men with loud gulps and gurgles , and William silently , with his face bent with an indescribable gentle melancholy over his plate , she put on a clean white apron , entered the dining - room , and took up her station at the table there until the others had finished . Mrs . Meserve , by virtue of her former married estate , as well as her superior age , had the head of the dining - table , which was of solid old mahogany . The dining - room was really charming . Beside the solid old mahogany table was a marvellous old sideboard , and a corner cupboard filled with Canton china . The windows had diamond - shaped panes . Annie Lynde , the spinster sister , was artistic , and she had had the old rectangular panes of distorting glass changed . She had also had the walls papered with dull blue , and there was a moulding with more of the blue Canton - ware . She was a year older than William , very pretty , with a delicate prettiness , and was well dressed . Mrs . Meserve was stouter and older , with a fair hardness of countenance , and she was well dressed . The brothers , now they had changed their working - clothes , appeared distinctly gentlemen . The two meals progressed , the one in the dining - room , the other in the kitchen . William , of those in the kitchen , finished his supper first . He had not much appetite , and , besides , the alien company of the hired men irritated him more than usual . He rose abruptly and went out of the kitchen and the house , and back across the stubbly field until he reached the nine - acre lot - a noble field , as level as a floor , enclosed with well - kept stone walls , and bordered on two sides with sweeping elms . He crossed to one of those sides , and seated himself on the wall on a large flat stone , where he had often sat before . Then his face took on an almost happy expression . He looked at the trees , which crossed the horizon with majestic arcs of grace ; he looked at the sky , which had not yet lost all its sunset glory , but was fading slowly with wonderful gradations of rose and violet and primrose , and at the stubble of the field . The mutilated stalks of grass showed rainbow lights , and the air was sweet and cool . The trees , the sky , the field , the blessed coolness , and the descending shade of the night were all inexpressibly dear to the man . He could just see , across the field , the roof of a house . When he looked at that , his face became at once yearning and benignant . He could hear faintly across the field the sound of a piano and a singing treble voice . It was rather thin , but sweet , and carried far . The song had a pretty air , somewhat plaintive ; the words were inaudible . William listened . That was really what he had come to this place for . He came there nearly every warm night , when the windows were open and he could hear the singing . Miss Rose Willard lived in the house . She was the music - teacher of the village , and sang in the church choir every Sunday . She usually practised the hour after supper . As he listened , William seemed to see her seated at the piano in the pretty little parlor , where he had been a few times years ago . Rose Willard was not so very young , but she was a beauty . He could see just how her face looked : her sweet eyes bent upon the lines of the song , the singing curve of her parted lips . He sighed ; and yet not altogether sorrowfully . Suddenly the music ceased ; it usually lasted an hour . The man 's face fell disappointedly . Then he saw a flutter of something white across the field . It was now nearly dusk . William gazed at the pale , moving flutter across the field , close to the trees , where the stubble was not so trying to delicately shod feet . Then , before he could realize it , Rose Willard stood before him . Her dainty white gown was gathered up , revealing the lace on her petticoat ; a lilac ribbon was tied around her waist ; her gown was slightly open at the neck , revealing a firm , round throat . Rose was rather below the middle height ; she was small and firm , with charming curves . Her face was round , with large blue eyes , and her curling yellow hair was twisted into a little crest at the top of her head . She stood looking at the man on the wall in an odd fashion , half ashamed , half defiant . " Why don 't you hold your head up ? " she burst out . " Why do you do so ? William Lynde , I am all out of patience with you . " Rose made an impatient movement , and seated herself on the wall . " I am doing an outrageous thing , and it would be town talk if it got out , " said she , " but I can 't help it . I 've stood this just as long as I can . Sit down here beside me , William Lynde ; I 've got something to say to you . " William moved slowly to a stone at some distance from Rose . William waited , his head turned away from her . He was conscious of a faint , subtle perfume from her garments , and the malodorousness of his own came in his face and filled him with a sort of despair . What was he to sit beside this white - clad song - bird ? " Why didn 't you eat in the dining - room with the rest of the family ? Why do you eat in the kitchen with the servants ? Why don 't you dress like a gentleman as your brothers do ? You must have your rights in the property as well as they . " The two sat silently on the wall ; then Rose spoke again . " I am going to do a dreadful thing , I suppose , " said she . " I am mortified and ashamed of myself for doing it , and you needn 't think I am not . Afterwards , when I think it over , I shall be almost crazy , but I am going to do it . I am going to ask you if you remember a night when you walked home with me from church , years ago , when we were very young . " " Well , " said Rose , " I didn 't know but you had forgotten . I am going to say right out - although , as I said before , when I think of it afterwards I shall be most ready to kill myself for it - that I never forgot , and - " She hesitated , then she went on with a sort of shamed resolution . " Of course , I haven 't married " - she bridled a little as she spoke - " but , of course , I 've had my chances , and now - " " I have a good chance now , " said Rose ; " perhaps you can guess who , but - I guess I am not made like a good many women . When I have once - " She paused and hesitated , then she continued , firmly : " When I admitted what I did to you , that time , " she said , " I didn 't do it in a flirty kind of way , like some young girls . I was never that kind , and I never forgot , and I have always felt bound to myself because of it , if I didn 't to you . Then there was another thing . I have been scolding you for letting yourself be so put upon , but I guess I am one of the kind of women who has a liking for the under dog . " Her defiant voice trembled and broke . She began to weep softly . Her dainty shoulders , turned from the man beside her , were heaving . William looked at her , and his face was convulsed and ghastly . Then he spoke with determination . " I have never changed my mind . " In spite of himself , William 's voice was full of the tenderest inflections . " It wasn 't that , but I didn 't know how much you had understood or meant , you were so pretty , and there were so many - " " What have you done wrong , for Heaven 's sake ? I don 't believe you ever hurt a fly , William Lynde . You were never that kind . You always took the heavy end of things and let yourself be put upon more or less . I don 't believe a word of it . " " I don 't believe a word of it , " said Rose . William remained silent . His face had a curious doggedness - the doggedness of a martyr under fire . Rose moved a little nearer . " Well , if you did , " said she , " people can always overlook anything if one is sorry and never does so again . " Rose sprang to her feet . " Well , I guess I 've humiliated myself enough for one night ! " she cried . " I wouldn 't marry you now , William Lynde , if you were to tell me you hadn 't done anything worse than to steal a pin . " Rose went slowly home across the field . The stubble pricked her feet , and she set them down with a gingerly impatience . She was angry with William , she pitied him , and she felt humiliated . She said to herself that it had come to a pretty pass when she , Rose Willard , had in a measure thrown herself at a man 's head to be rejected . Then she wondered what in the world he had done , and evil surmises swarmed in her innocent mind like so many unclean flies . She was a good woman , and had led a pure life , but the imagination for evil is dormant or rampant in all things human . She really stained herself imagining what William might have done , as she crossed the field , her dainty white gown gathered up , the lace of her petticoat ruffling around her carefully stepping feet . When she reached home she found her widowed aunt , Eliza Ames , and her sister , Gloria . Gloria was a libellous name for Rose 's elder sister , but there had always been a Gloria in the Willard family , and the name had fallen to her lot , with none of the meaning implied by it . Gloria was older than Rose , and a fac - simile of her in everything except tints . Nothing more sallow and , where it was not sallow , colorless could be imagined than her face . She seemed homelier than if she had not had Rose for a sister . She had contrast to encounter as well as her own defects . But Gloria did not repine , at least openly . She had an even temperament , which was a blessing to her . Marriage had been dismissed finally from her thoughts when she was eighteen and a young man had walked home from evening meeting with her , and the next week with another girl , whom he had married in three months . Privately Gloria regarded that as the chance which every woman is said to have , and it was a taste of sweet which comforted her . When Gloria looked up at Rose , lovely as a flower , in the choir , she had a curious pride of proprietorship in her . It really seemed to her that in some way Rose was dependent upon her for her beauty and her sweet singing voice , that to her were due the thanks for both . It was also borne in upon Gloria 's mind that Rose owed all the comforts of life to her . She took pleasure in thinking her sister unpractical . Rose made all her own pretty gowns , but Gloria never fairly realized that she herself did not make them ; she looked at a hat which Rose had trimmed , and it seemed to her that she was the one who had fastened on the knots of ribbon and the flowers . She even had an odd sense of singing instead of Rose , and , withal , she was entirely sincere . Rose was good - nature itself as regarded her sister . She was as sweet , in fact , with loyalty as a rose is with its essential perfume . To - night , as Rose entered , Gloria was seated in the lighted parlor , engaged on some fancy - work . She looked at her beautiful sister , and it was as good to her as if she saw herself , and yet not because of unselfishness . Rose seated herself at the piano , and began to sing a foolish , sentimental song , but in a moment her voice broke . She leaned her head over against the music - rack . " I guess you 'll be all right now , " whispered Gloria . She admired Edgar Lynde , and felt as proud as if he had been her own lover . Then she gathered up her work and went out of the room . Edgar laughed his unfailing laugh of merriment . There was to Rose something exasperating about Edgar Lynde 's laugh . It did not seem to her as if everything in life was provocative of mirth , or even of good - nature . " Oh , nothing , " replied Edgar . " I was only thinking how many widows and widowers , and even folks who have had stacks of love - affairs , would feel singing that song . " There was nothing whatever satirical in his voice , which expressed simply good - humored and happy acquiescence with the laws of life . Rose set her full lips firmly . " It may be truer than you think , all the same , " said she . " You don 't know what is at the bottom of folk 's hearts . " A singular expression came over Rose 's face ; her full lips tightened still more . " That 's what I say , " said she . Then she began to sing . Her voice rang out with unusual feeling and sweetness . " It would break up the meeting , I guess , " said Edgar , and he laughed again . He pulled a chair close to her with easy grace . Then he caught at her work . " Oh , hang the wool ! " said Edgar . Then he pulled the work out of her lap and gave it a toss onto the floor . Rose sat still , with an odd expression as of some one who expects something long looked for and is passive before the fatality of its advance . Edgar gave a little triumphant laugh and flung an arm around Rose 's waist . " You suppose so ; I like that , " he repeated . " That is all a man gets after he has been hanging around a girl as long as I have . " " That ought to be enough , " said Rose , soberly . " Of course , I have understood , or thought I did , what your attentions meant . There is no use in pretending I didn 't . We are not children . " " Well , I have had my eye on you ever since you were that high , " said Edgar , indicating a three - feet height from the floor . " I know , dear , you would have been blind if you had not supposed so . But - " Edgar hesitated a second . Then he went on : " I will confess , though , I thought at one time that William had the best chance . That kept me back . " Edgar 's smiling lips became firm . He looked down almost frowningly at her . " Rose , " he said , " I love you , and I am going to do everything I can to make you happy , but there is one thing I cannot do , and none of the rest of us can do , and you must never ask it nor expect it . " " No , dear , and you must not ask me . We have good and sufficient reasons for it all . I know it looks as if we were treating William terribly , but we are treating him better than you may think . " Suddenly Edgar 's face , looking down at Rose 's beautiful one , changed . " Say , Rose , what are you going to be married in ? " said he . " White and a veil ? " " Stuff ! " said Edgar . " There is not a young girl in town who can compare with you . White you wear , veil and all . Now I have waited all this time , you need not think I am going to miss anything . " Edgar laughed again , exultingly , and again his exultant laugh irritated Rose . " Why did you make me wait so long , dear ? " he asked . " You never even gave me a chance to ask you before . " " Hurry ! I should think not , " returned Edgar , laughing a loud peal . " Well , " he said , " you 've got to hurry now , dear ; and I am going to have the wedding march played like a jig , and you will have to run up the aisle , with your white veil streaming out behind . " Edgar leaned his face close to Rose to kiss her , but she pushed him away . That night when Edgar had gone it was nearly midnight . Rose went up to her room , and the door of Gloria 's opposite was wide open . The room was full of moonlight , and Rose saw Gloria stir in her white bed . She entered softly , setting her candle on a little table in the entry . " I hope you 'll be real happy , " Gloria whispered back . Rose went up to the bed , and Gloria kissed her . Then Rose went out . " Please shut my door , " Gloria said , in a muffled voice . After Rose had gone , Gloria still lay there awake in the moonlight . Her cheeks were quite wet with tears ; and yet she was not conscious of unhappiness or of envy because of the sight of her sister 's possessing a happiness which she must miss . Still , her self - esteem held her firm . She felt like the background of gloom against which there is only possible the true belief of happiness . She almost felt as if , had there been no Gloria , with her calm self - renunciation , there could have been no Rose - certainly no Rose to the extent of beauty and happiness of which she was capable . She lay awake a long time planning Rose 's trousseau . The next Sunday Rose dined with the Lyndes . She was charming in her summer silk of a soft , brown shade and her hat with the brim faced with pink roses . There was a state dinner . William as usual sat meekly with the hired men in the kitchen , but he ate nothing . He was ghastly pale . He had dressed himself , as he always did on Sunday , in his best clothes . After dinner he went across the field to his accustomed seat on the stone - wall and thought about what was coming , how Rose Willard was going to marry Edgar and would live in the house as his brother 's wife . " I 've got to stop feeling about her the way I have done , " he said to himself . " There is no use talking , it has got to be done . " Edgar wiped his forehead , gazed towards the west , where the sun was sinking , and thought of Rose . He fairly laughed with love of her and self - love . He worshipped at a double shrine , and was in an ecstasy . He thought how happy he was , and how happy he was making Rose , and he laughed again . The hired men , watching him furtively , grinned . Meanwhile William was driving a lame old horse to Askam . He was going to buy a wedding - present for Rose . He had his own account at the Askam bank . He drew generously upon it , and carried home a service of solid silver . " It 's all right , " repeated William . " I don 't want any supper . " Then , much to her astonishment , he passed directly into the sitting - room with his package . He produced as much astonishment there . His sisters , seated near the table with their work , and James with his evening paper ( Edgar had gone to see Rose ) , started . William spoke to his elder sister , Mrs . Meserve . " Will you come into the parlor a minute ? " said he . " I want to speak to you . " " Better ? Goodness ! I should think it was a princess that was going to get married . I never saw anything like it . I don 't see when she 's going to use it , for my part . " Annie and James followed Mrs . Meserve into the parlor to inspect William 's wedding - present to Rose . He himself , sitting beside the window in his little bedroom , reflected upon it with a measure of self - gratulation new to him . It was a hot night and overcast . There was a fine misting rain . It blew into the open window upon him until he was quite damp . He seemed to see the blue lights of the silver pieces , and he tried to see them as Rose might . At last it seemed to him that he could do so . He became sure that he was reflecting upon the possession of the silver exactly as a woman might do , and he smiled in the darkness , an angelic smile of unselfish love . Then he coughed . He had coughed a good deal lately , but nobody had noticed it . He had not noticed it himself . However , his cough settled a much - deliberated question when the night of the wedding came , a month later . The Lyndes had wondered whether it would be inevitable that he should go . William himself had made up his mind . A curious pride in going possessed him . The worm turned . He ordered a suit of clothes in Askam at his brother 's tailor 's , and the tailor told Edgar . James frowned . " Well , perhaps it is better , " he said , at length . " People might think it singular for him not to attend his own brother 's wedding , and might talk , and that is what we don 't want . " " It is no use , " said Annie , positively ; " leaving everything else out of the question , he cannot go for that reason alone . He coughs every minute . It is incessant . Hear him now . " In fact , at that moment the sound of William 's persistent cough was heard from the kitchen . That afternoon , when William was sitting alone on the back porch , Mrs . Meserve came out hesitatingly . She did not like what she had to do . She told him that she and Annie had been talking it over , and they both thought that , coughing as he did , it was hardly advisable for him to go to the wedding . William turned his face towards her , and for the first time she saw an expression of something like reproach on it . She noticed , too , for the first time that he had grown thin . He had shaved , and was all ready to don the new suit which lay on his bed up - stairs . " Yes ; he started just before I came up - stairs . He looked as handsome as a picture . I hope you are right about William 's cough . " Edgar had proceeded to the house of the bride - elect , because of a note just received from her aunt asking him to do so . The note was evidently written hurriedly and had an agitated air . " Please come at once instead of going to the church first ; something has happened , " it said . Edgar felt a little uneasy as he rolled along the old , familiar road , with such a feeling of strangeness in his heart that it almost looked unfamiliar to him . He gazed out at the leafless trees , whose branches gleamed golden under the brilliant winter sun against the blue of the sky , and it did not seem that they could possibly be the same trees which he had seen ever since he could remember , but , instead , trees which had gotten their growth in some unknown paradise . He was very fond of Rose , and very happy . It is true that her aunt 's letter made him a little uneasy , but his cheerful optimism sustained him . Mrs . Ames , who was emotional , began to cry . Even then Edgar 's smiling face did not change . " I don 't know what has come over Rose , " Mrs . Ames sobbed out . " She 's in the parlor with Gloria . She 's all dressed . It isn 't that . It fits her beautifully . She 's just like marble . I don 't know what the matter is . I guess she 's told Gloria , but she hasn 't said a word to me , her own aunt , that 's been just like a mother to her . " Mrs . Ames began to weep weakly . Edgar frowned a little ; then he laughed his everlasting laugh of sheer optimism , and slowly entered parlor . In the midst of the parlor sat Rose enveloped in a cloud of fleecy white , through which her face showed , as her aunt had said , with the rigidity of marble . Not a vestige of her lovely color remained . Even her lips were white and closely compressed . Gloria , who was standing over her , and dressed in her wine - colored silk , which cast a glow over her own usually colorless face , gave a terrified roll of her eyes at Edgar entering . Then she murmured something about the note which Rose had wished sent . Edgar made one stride to Rose , and , thrusting aside her veil , took her hands , which were as cold as ice . " I don 't know why . I know he has done something dreadful . He told me so himself . I know all that , but I can 't break off the habit of loving him . I have loved him ever since I went to school with him . " " It wouldn 't make any difference . It wouldn 't ever make any difference to me . I have imagined everything . Nobody can imagine anything worse . He could not have done anything worse than the things I have imagined , but I love him just the same , more than anybody in the whole world , and I now feel as if his sin , whatever it is , is mine too . I feel as if I had done just what he did , and I can no more hate him for it than I could hate myself . I love him , and I shall love him just the same after I am married to you . " " No , I don 't back out . I will marry you if you say so . I know I am putting you in an awful light and doing you an awful wrong if I don 't , but I can 't marry you without telling you the truth . " Edgar Lynde had within him the capacity of men of his make , who are uniformly good - natured and optimistic , of almost devilish revolt when pushed against the wall , of sudden moves of almost incredible daring . His very optimism had its roots in self - esteem . It seemed to him preposterous , almost incredible , that anything like this could happen to him . At the same time he was not a man to force a woman into an unwilling marriage . A sort of contempt was in his face as he gazed at Rose in her bridal attire , with her love for his brother in her heart . He was almost brutal . He turned suddenly and looked at Gloria . Her eyes fell . She had all her life , ever since she could remember , thought there was no one to equal Edgar Lynde in the whole world . His own anger and wonder at her sister were reflected in her face . Her eyes , which were really lovely , were brilliant with unshed tears . The unwonted glow on her cheeks made her almost beautiful . " If you think I would marry a woman after she had confessed her love for my own brother , and a brother who is unworthy of it , you are mistaken , " said Edgar then . There was no longer even the semblance of a laugh or even a smile on his face . The hardening of their old lines made it seem , instead , fierce . Then he continued : " But , " he said , " if you think I am going to have all those people turned away and have them told that there is to be no wedding - " he paused again . He looked at Gloria . Then he spoke again . " See here , Gloria , " said he , " I know second fiddle isn 't the best place in the orchestra , and I know I am asking you to play it , but I 'll promise you to do all I can for you if you will . " Edgar went on quite calmly : " I know I have been courting your sister a long time , and I won 't pretend that I haven 't thought more of her than of you , and I expected to marry her , of course , and now she has decided at the last moment to put me to shame in the face and eyes of the whole town . You can make it right if you will . People will only think a trick has been played on them . I have always been playing tricks on people , and they won 't be so surprised as if I were another man . I shall like you well enough , Gloria , and I 'll do my best to make you a good husband , and you have not much to look forward to here . " " Make up your mind quickly , " Edgar said , in a masterful voice . " There isn 't any time to lose . Rose 's things will fit you . Go up - stairs with her , and change dresses , and go and be married to me . Will you do it , Gloria ? " " Oh , Lord ! " said Edgar , " I shall love you well enough . I dare say I should have loved you instead of Rose in the first place if you had been as good - looking , and in a few years what do looks amount to ? I shall like you well enough . I am not one of the kind of men who go into fits over a woman , anyway . I shall be just as happy with you as with her . Hurry , Gloria . There is the carriage for you and your aunt and Rose now . " In fact , a carriage decorated with white ribbons just then drove up before the parlor windows . Gloria cast one more glance at Edgar - a glance of adoration , of shame , and something like guilt ; then she looked at her sister . Rose made an almost imperceptible motion towards the door . Gloria followed her . They both rustled out of the room . " Be as quick as you can , " Edgar called after them . His face was very pale , but it had resumed its look of pride at his awards of life . He called to Mrs . Ames in the entry , and was laughing when he accosted her . " I have something to tell you , " he said . She stared at him , white - faced . " You thought I was going to marry Rose all the time , didn 't you ? " said Edgar . " It would be better for all concerned - for Rose and Gloria and me - if nothing of this got out , " said Edgar . He began whistling as Mrs . Ames kept on up the stairs . He then went out of the house , got into his own carriage , and drove to the church , where most of the wedding - guests were already assembled . It is probable that there had never been such a sensation in the village as that occasioned by Edgar Lynde meeting Gloria in bridal array instead of Rose , and being married to her . It was a simple wedding . Rose sat in the audience , dressed in the wine - colored silk which had been intended for her sister . Edgar had whispered vehemently to his sisters and brother , and they maintained an outward calmness , as if everything was going forward as had been planned , as did Rose and her aunt . People actually thought that it was one of the whimsical proceedings for which Edgar Lynde had always been noted in the place ; that he had stolen a march upon them , and had been courting Gloria all the time instead of Rose , and had meant to marry her . Still , they wondered . Rose was , superficially at least , so superior to Gloria . However , Gloria , in her bridal white , looked better than she had ever done before . The shock of happiness radiated her dull face ; her cheeks glowed . People whispered that she was almost as pretty as Rose , after all , and they guessed maybe she would make a better wife . William went to the reception , and moved mechanically up to greet his brother and his bride . When he saw Gloria 's face under the filmy veil instead of Rose 's , his own turned ghastly white , and he staggered . A man caught his arm . " You look dreadful pale , " said the man , kindly . He was a young farmer with a sympathetic nature . He steered William over to a sofa . " You 'd better set down , " said he , " and I 'll see if Almira can 't scare you up a cup of coffee . " Almira was the farmer 's wife . Presently she came , bringing the coffee to William , who remained sitting where he had been placed , but whose look was aloof upon Rose in her wine - colored silk , talking with seeming gayety with a knot of people on the other side of the room . Rose 's manner was the same as ever , but her look was strange , and people remarked it . They whispered among themselves . William heard a man say to another that Rose Willard had got left , he guessed ; that it wasn 't always the birds with the finest feathers that got the nest . He himself was fairly dizzy with bewilderment . Edgar had said nothing to him . He had not , in fact , considered it worth while . William gradually gathered consciousness , sitting there on the sofa sipping his coffee , that Rose was not , after all , married ; but he also seemed to gather a stronger consciousness than ever before that she was out of his own reach . She had never seemed so far from him as that afternoon , as she stood and chatted with the wedding - guests . She never once looked at him - at least , if she did , he did not know it . He noticed the strange look on her beautiful face , and wondered with the rest what it meant . It was not long after Edgar 's marriage that William moved out of the Lynde house into a little shanty in the field . It had one room and a chimney , and could be warmed , and was comfortable enough . Gloria was the cause of his moving . Now she was married and at a pitch of happiness and success which she had never anticipated , her character took on a higher phase of self - satisfaction . She said openly to Edgar that either they must have a new house or William must live elsewhere . She showed the true imperiousness which had always been dormant in her nature . The Lynde property was undivided . It was almost impossible for Edgar to separate his portion from the rest and live separately . The family discussed the matter , and William moved his poor belongings into the little shanty in the field . He was quite uncomplaining . Sometimes he wished that Rose had owned the silver service which glittered on the table when the family entertained , which was quite frequently since Edgar 's marriage . However , he took some comfort in the reflection that Rose at least had the use of the silver sugar - bowl and cream - pitcher . But soon he became very ill . Then he was moved , in spite of his protest , into the house , and James gave up his own chamber - a large , sunny room - to him . A specialist was consulted , a nurse was engaged , and Rose stayed at the house a great deal to assist , although she never saw William . She had a knack at delicate cookery , and she prepared the greater part of his meals . She herself grew thin and pale , and her beauty waned . She was torn with grief and love , and horror of that unknown something which William had done . She had locked up in her little rosewood desk a letter which William had written and sent to her the day after their conversation in the field , when he had thought she was to marry Edgar . It was addressed to Miss Rose Willard , and that envelope contained another , on which was inscribed , " To be opened and read after my death . " She often thought of this letter . William , now he was so ill , seemed the centre around which the whole family revolved . Their very indignation towards him made them more eager to do all that could be done . At last it was said that William 's death was only a matter of days . He no longer left his bed . It was then that Rose made up her mind . She was a woman with a good head and strong sense of justice , and that influenced her as well as her love for the sick man . " I don 't know what William has done , " she said to herself , " and they will not tell me ; but they must think it is something dreadful or they wouldn 't have treated him as they have done . Now it may be that they are mistaken , and this letter which William wrote for me to read after he was dead explains everything . If that is the case , what folly it is for me to wait until he is dead . I should regret it all the days of my life . " She considered her own possible pain as well as the injustice to William when she opened the letter the afternoon before he died . She locked herself into a room before opening it , although she was quite safe from intrusion . James and Edgar had gone on business to Askam ; Annie was lying down ; Mrs . Meserve had gone on an errand to the drug - store . Rose , having locked the door , opened the letter and read it . It did not take long . It was very short . Rose thrust the letter into the bosom of her dress , and crossed the hall to William 's sick - room . She knocked , and the nurse came to the door . " How is he ? " she whispered . She was trembling from head to foot . The nurse cast a glance into the room . William was lying very still , with eyes partly closed and a ghastly streak of white visible between the lids . " No , I don 't think so , " he replied . William opened his eyes and looked at her , although seeming at the same time to look at something past her . He essayed a smile , but his face relapsed into its majestic melancholy . He had almost done with the things of earth . A sudden light of interest leaped into the sick man 's face . He tried to speak , but the cough choked him . He made a terrific effort to subdue the cough , and succeeded . " Why didn 't you wait ? " he asked , in a loud , clear voice , which was startling , coming from those lips , so straight and blue that they looked like those of one already dead . Rose glanced at the door , and saw that it was tightly closed . " William , I know it all now , " she said . " How you destroyed your father 's will because he had left everything to you , and how they found it out , and thought it was the other way around . " " It was a dreadful thing I did . I made myself liable - " said the sick man . He cleared his voice , which seemed to come not so much from his throat as from his soul , such a far - off quality was in it . " The sense of guilt has always kept me down , " he said . " It wasn 't altogether the way they treated me ; they had reason . I had made myself an underling . I knew I was guilty . " " Father had a hasty temper , " said William , " and he and James quarrelled ; then Edgar got mixed up in it , and Annie , and he didn 't like Agnes 's husband . He left them each a dollar apiece , and all the rest to me . I couldn 't have it so . I don 't believe but father has thought better of it himself by this time . " " If the lawyer who drew up the will hadn 't died suddenly , just as father did , I couldn 't have done it , " said William . " James was suspicious , and he watched me that night when I went down to father 's desk . Father had told me all about the will , and I couldn 't get him to change it . We had words about it , and James had overheard something , and put the wrong construction on it . Father was unconscious , and I knew he wouldn 't live till morning . James caught me just as I put the will in the fire , and he couldn 't save it . It was blazing . He accused me , and told the others . I couldn 't deny it . I was guilty . " But the sick man roused himself , and sat up with a terrible effort . " Oh , Rose , " he begged , " don 't tell them . Don 't you see ? " Rose went over to the hearth , where there was a fire burning , and dropped the letter . It blazed up quickly . William smiled . He had settled down again into a shrunken heap . Rose went up to William and kissed him again . " I didn 't marry your brother because I loved you so , " said she . " I told him so at the last minute , and he asked Gloria . I loved you , sin and all , William , and now - I see , I love you , goodness and all . I have never seen such a good man as you , William , and loving you is better than being married to anybody else . " They were all sitting in the best parlor , and the sisters had reddened eyes . They had been weeping . James spoke tenderly , even while relating what his dead brother had done . It was evident that all rancor on the part of the family had disappeared . It seemed incumbent upon Rose to speak . " I never lay up anything against the dead , " said she . " He may have been better in his heart than any of us . " Rose said no more . She sat beside the window . It was a wonderfully bright moonlight night , and they had not lit the lamps . The field across the road from the house stretched in vast levels of silver light . It seemed to Rose that she could see the underling coming across the field with a glory of his good motives around his head , and bent no longer beneath the burden of his earthly deeds , and she felt like his bride . |
I just realized that it 's been a week since I last posted . I really wish that was because I had nothing going on . My therapist is back , so occupational therapy restarted for me . It turns out that he was in the hospital . I 've teased him mercilessly about running away for a vacation . On Tuesday I took Donny to see the oral surgeon . He absolutely refuses to put Donny under general anesthesia . I can 't say that I blame him . So instead he 's going to give Donny a pill to relax him and then pull all his teeth . But of course that can 't happen until he talks to the doctor and finds out for sure what kind of infection Donny has in his legs . I think that the blood cultures should be done now , so that shouldn 't be a problem . On Thursday I took Donny in for a follow up with our doctor about his legs . We 've been there so many times lately that I 'm beginning to wonder if the doctor hates to see us coming . That afternoon he had an appointment with a doctor for Social Security . Donny thought that he 'd be seeing a regular doctor , but that 's not what happened . He saw a psychologist for some mental testing that they wanted done . That appointment was actually rather interesting . It started with an interview . The doctor would ask Donny a question and then we 'd sit there while he 'd try to figure it out . Then the doctor would turn to me and let me know that now it was okay for me to answer . There were very few questions that Donny could answer . Even when the doctor was asking about Donny 's sibling 's mental health history I knew more than Donny did . I was shocked to realize how little Donny remembers now . I was able to sit there and watch the doctor administer the tests . It was really interesting to see what Donny could do and how much was beyond his grasp . There was even one point where the doctor and I started discussing how interesting it was to see how Donny 's mind processes information . And then yesterday I had a day without Donny . I went to therapy in the morning . In the afternoon my mom and I went out to her friend 's house to pick yams . TPosted by The fun began again . Yesterday I was sitting in class when my cell phone rings . It was Donny letting me know that he was going to the hospital . His legs were swollen and had ared area on the front of them when I left the house that morning . He said that they were even bigger and the redness was spreading . I got off the phone with him and made arrangements to go to the ER to meet him . On the way to ER the friend that I was with called my mom . She apparently was unaware of the fact that her and my dad were taking Donny to the hospital . When I finally got it straightened out it was a case of miscommunication , but it was frustrating getting things resolved . I ended up waiting at the ER for an hour before Donny arrived . ( This was to be expected since we live about 45 minutes away , but my class is just a couple miles away . ) When he got there I signed him in and the waiting began . I hate going to ER unless it 's bad enough to think the person might need to be admitted . However , on a Saturday our choices are limited . Donny had been signed in for probably an hour and a half when he got one of the hall beds . This was much faster than I had dared hope for , so I was pleasantly surprised . The only real problem that I have with a hall bed is that there 's no curtain to pull around Donny so that he can 't see what 's going on . When he saw a lot of people being discharged around him he started complaining about being ignored . He stopped everybody in scrubs that he could get to stop to try and get what he wanted , whether it was a blanket , something to eat , or pain meds . And we were by the door to the break room , so I had to hear an endless complaint about how the nurses weren 't doing anything but drinking coffee . I hate hall beds now . Finally one of the nurses that Donny stopped said that he 'd go check the board to see where we were at in waiting for the doctor , since it 'd been a while and still no doctor . He came back and let us know that he 'd try to find somebody to see us since we 'd been waiting longer than anybody else and , even thouPosted by I 've been trying to think of a really great post , but I can 't get past my gratefulness for percocet . On Wednesday Donny woke me up WAY too early wanting pain killers . I pointed out that it was 6 hours until his next dose and begged to go back to sleep . He let me , for a while . Wednesday was a bad day , but Thursday was worse . When Donny 's hurting he spreads the misery around liberally . Apparently I have no clue about anything because I refuse to give him more medicine than what 's prescribed . Never mind the fact that it was his habit of taking too many that made the doctor ask me to take over his medicine in the first place . So , after 2 straight days of being yelled at for not giving him extra pain killers , I cracked . On Thursday night I gave him 3 benadryls and put him to bed . It was the first night of decent rest that I 'd gotten in a while . I 'm considering stocking up on the stuff . I actually shouldn 't need more benadryl . We went back to the doctor today and asked for more painkillers . At one point I was muttering under my breath about how short Donny 's life would be if he didn 't get any more pain medicine . I think that the doctor heard me though . It was decided that since Donny 's liver is already completely shot that we really don 't need to worry as much about Tylenol . So Donny got a prescription for percocet . When I took the prescription to the pharmacy the lady gave me a funny look and headed to the back where the pharmacist is . She had just looked in the computer and so I 'm sure she saw that we picked up morphine on Monday for this same person . I was absolutely positive that she was going to come out and accuse me of drug seeking and refuse to give Donny his medicine . Apparently the pharmacist didn 't have a problem since they filled the order without any more strange behavior . Or maybe I 'm just paranoid because I read too many blogs about people who are just looking to get high . Today was a day of little pleasures . I woke up next to my husband , who actually got a good night 's rest . I had a slow , lazy morning . We went on a picnic at the city park . We sat there and watched the kids playing . Then this evening we went to my friend 's house and visited with her for a little while . My two year old nephew , Dennis the Menace , even gave me kisses goodbye . He always does my heart good . I baked bread with my mom this evening . After it cooled the whole family had some , and we sat around talking and enjoying each other 's company . All in all , a really good day . Today was supposed to be a good day . I was prepared for our doctor 's visit today . I had a list of questions , and a list of what 's gone on since last month 's visit . I just knew that today would be great . Boy was I wrong . I got woke up at 4 : 00 this morning , for no apparent reason . And then , Donny put his hand in the small of my back and used that hand to push himself up . Talk about painful . He had no clue what he 'd done . Somewhere around 5 : 00 , just as I was falling back asleep , a very pissed off husband came and demanded that I go out to the garage . ( The garage is his hangout . ) It seems that he had gone in the kitchen , turned on the light , and then turned on the garbage disposal . When there are two people using the living room for a bedroom this is a problem . I guess that Donny wanted me to defend him , but I wouldn 't . The whole thing blew up out of proportion and my husband nearly left over it . As if this doesn 't make for a bad enough day , it got worse . We went to the doctor , and I asked my questions . The doctor says that Donny 's in the end stage now . He also let us know that our insurance won 't pay for a transplant . So there goes my last hope . We started discussing how to make the end better . He won 't guess as to how long we 've got , but I 'm scared . I don 't know what we 'll do . It seems like life works really hard at kicking us while we 're down . My great - aunt suggested that I write to Montel and see if he 'll help . She said that sometimes the talk shows will hook people up with doctors who are willing to do the surgery for free . I don 't see how that can work when you have to wait for a liver to become available , but I 'm desperate enough to try almost anything . I 've been thinking about my recent posts . I 'm beginning to think that maybe my expectations of nurses are too high . I have a hard time believing that it can 't at least partially be me when there 's so many bad experiences clumped together . Maybe I just need to make my expectations fit reality better . I can tell you where I got my expectations from . They come from a hospital in the state of Washington . My husband had gone to visit his daughters and became ill . None of the people that he was staying with realized just how serious it was . I was at home in California , so I was of no help to Donny . On April 18 , 2007 my step - daughter had just gotten home from taking her husband to work and decided to check on her dad , since she was worried about him . She found it hard to get any sort of response from him and decided to take him to ER . She had a friend come help her get him out to the car . When they were in the driveway they noticed that he had turned blue . The friend that was carrying Donny put him down on the ground . They felt for a pulse and there wasn 't one . Donny 's oldest daughter keeps up her certification in CPR because she volunteers at a summer camp for handicapped children . She administered CPR until the ambulance arrived . The paramedics ( EMTs , whatever they were ) took over doing CPR and got Donny breathing again . I got a call while Donny was still being worked on by the paramedics telling me what had happened so far . It seems like it was no time until the girls were calling me from ER , and yet it seemed to have taken forever . The doctor 's said that I needed to come right away , that Donny wasn 't going to make it . They said they would try to keep him alive until I got there . Before I hung up the phone I had a ticket for the next flight up that I had time to get to . ( We live 2 hours from the airport . ) I arrived in town and went straight to the hospital . He was in ICU by that time , and so I went and sat with him in his room . The nurse let me know that there were no hard and fast visiting hours , that I could stay as mucPosted by Early this morning I received a call from the hospital . At first my heart went about three times it 's normal speed , but I shouldn 't have worried . Donny woke up today and he wanted to know when I 'd be there to visit . One of the best calls I 've ever gotten . I let the nurse know that I 'd be there around 8 : 30 and we hung up . I arrived at the hospital when I said I would , parked , and went in . I walked in to his ( private ) room , only to see some stranger in his bed . So that 's when I found a nurse to tell me where my husband was hiding . Apparently he 'd been moved and nobody had thought to let me know . Not a big deal , just a minor frustration . I managed to get there before the doctor did rounds , so I got to talk to her . She said that Donny 's ammonia levels were fine , but that she wanted to keep him for another day for observation . We talked a little more , then she left . A little later I noticed that Donny was spacing out . A previous hospital had said that these were absent seizures brought on by high ammonia levels . But his levels were normal , so I started asking questions . The nurse let me know that the doctor overseeing the resident who was caring for Donny was about to do rounds and that we should ask him . Dr . B came in and I started discussing a few issues with him . I asked him about the seizures and he said that there were still some after - effects going on in Donny 's body . He advised me that once we had kept Donny 's ammonia levels normal for three months , if it was still happening , to ask our regular doctor about it . That 's when I looked down and noticed that Donny was in the middle of one right then . I pointed it out to Dr . B . After seeing what I was talking about for himself he advised me that Donny should see a neurologist in a couple of weeks . He also let me know that he would call and speak to our regular doctor personally to let him know what was going on . He then said that he 'd be discharging Donny that day . About 20 minutes later we were told that an EEG had been ordered and we had to wait for it before Donny coulPosted by I went by and checked on Donny today . When I walked into his room it reeked . It was so bad I was gagging . Apparently , the enema worked really well . It looked like they were set up to bathe him , so I waited for the nurse to come in . After about 5 minutes I decided that looks could be deceiving , and maybe I should make sure that his nurse knew there was a problem . The only hitch in this plan was that I had no idea who his nurse was . So I stood in his doorway hoping to catch a nurse running by and ask for the nurse who 's name was on his dry erase board . After a couple of minutes the charge nurse noticed me and came over to see if I needed something . I explained the situation to her and let her know that I just wanted to be sure that his nurse knew . She found the nurse and told her . About 30 minutes later his nurse came in to check on him . By this time I was needing to leave since I had just stopped in between doctor 's appointments . I talked to her for a minute and then she said that she was going to be bathing him now . She walked out of the room and I stood there and waited about 5 more minutes . I finally tracked her down in the hallway to ask a couple more questions that I had thought of . To be fair , she wasn 't goofing off . I firmly believe that she was busy that whole time . The problem I 'm having is this . My husband had to lay in his own filth for AT LEAST a half hour . It may have been longer , but that 's how long I witnessed it for . Now , I realize that you only want to change him once , and I know that you 're busy , but what about him ? Would you like to be put in restraints , sedated , and then left to lie in your own filth for a half hour ? There has to be some sort of middle ground here . Wouldn 't putting him on a bag be more humane ? I truly do understand the nurse 's position here , but I want to cry at what I see Donny going through . I know he 'll remember this , he always remembers what happened after the fact . And I know he was awake , because he looked at me . In fact , he gave me the most pitiful look ever , and there was nPosted by Today was nowhere near what I had hoped for . I thought that I 'd get up , take my time getting ready , and then go to work . And then this afternoon I 'd take my grandma to her appointment with the Orthopedic Surgeon . Boy was I wrong ! I knew I was screwed when I tried to wake Donny for his meds . He was hard to wake , and very uncooperative . I tried to give him his meds , but he shook his head like a little boy and said , " I 'm done ! " There was no getting anything in him . I started off trying to get him out of bed . He went into the bathroom and insisted that he was sleeping . I got him out of there , but he went the wrong way down the hall . After a lot of hard work I managed to get him in the car . I buckled him up and it was off to the hospital for us . I pull up in front of ER and run in for a wheelchair . I then opened his door , unbuckled him , and asked him to get in the wheelchair . He got out of the car , but would not sit down . I finally gave the chair to the next people who pulled up . After pacing in front of ER for a while I finally got Donny into the ER . But again , he wouldn 't sit down anywhere . Finally the security guard asked me to take him outside so that he didn 't get the other people in the waiting room riled up . So I let him go out , and I stayed inside to check him in . And the pacing outside of ER continued . After a while he did finally go in and sit down on his own . That 's when I finally got a chance to park the car . We waited for a little bit and then triage called Donny up , but he wasn 't about to go anywhere . So I went and let the triage nurse know what was going on . He was really nice and agreed to come help me . We got Donny to move about 10 feet , and then he was done cooperating . The nurse finally called for help , and Donny was forced to cooperate . As we headed back towards a bed I started counting people . It had taken 3 security guards , 1 law enforcement officer , and 2 or 3 nurses to get him to go . They held his arms behind his back and made him walk to a bed . I couldn 't help but wonder if that 's what 's meant by thPosted by There are times that I wish our doctor lived with us . This evening Donny started acting like his ammonia levels were elevated . I know for a fact that he took his lactulose , I watched him drink it . The dosage must not be right . The problem is , by the time we go see the doctor he 'll be fine . That leaves me looking like an overreacting wife when I insist that his mental status was altered . The only thing that I have going for me is the fact that the doctor knows me , and trusts me . Hopefully he 'll believe me when I describe what 's going on . With any luck there will be a change in meds . I 'm hoping that the altered mental status isn 't a permanent thing . If it is then there may come a time that I can 't care for Donny at home . I hate the thought , but just today was bad enough to make me wonder what to do . On the bright side , my mom might get to come home in the next day or two . She 's doing much better , but she started a new medication and they want to monitor her on it for a couple days to see how it 's going . New meds are always scary . At one point my mom was on so many psych meds that she was a zombie . For two years she barely qualified as being alive , and she had no quality of life . My mom , who 's always been the out going , lively one , was doing nothing but sit there and stare out in space or lay in bed and stare out in space . When my sister decided that she 'd had enough , it took two paper grocery bags to carry my mom 's meds . A really great doctor helped us get her off of almost everything , but we 're now a little leery of new meds . The good thing is that my mom has a great medical doctor ( finally ) who will take a look at what she 's been given and help us understand it . And we know that never again will we allow one med to be prescribed on top of another to the point that it gets out of control . It may have taken a while , but we 've learned to ask questions . Have you ever noticed that there 's nothing good on TV on Friday nights ? And if you 're broke there 's not a whole lot to do . Which leaves me with some very boring Friday nights . That 's why I developed my own Friday night entertainment . Every week on Friday night I will take somebody to be admitted to the hospital . Last week it was my husband . He got out Tuesday , so I needed something to do today . And if you ask my mom she 'll tell you that 's why she 's in the hospital right now . The truth of the matter is that she 's not doing well and we couldn 't keep her safe at home anymore . Does it make me a bad daughter to be relieved to put her in the hospital ? I hate the thought that I might get too busy and my mom wind up dead when she 's at home . This isn 't how I always felt about this . I still remember the first time we had to put mom in a psych hospital . I was 13 years old . Mom had been having a hard time for a while , but we were helping her through it . I was proud of my ability to get her back when she was lost in a flashback . I liked being able to help . But mom just got worse . She started hallucinating . We came home one day to find all our dishes smashed on the kitchen floor and mom sitting on the counter . She thought that there were snakes trying to get her . It became routine that I 'd have to check under her bed for snakes before she 'd get up . My dad finally decided that we just couldn 't care for my mom at home anymore , and he found a psych hospital she could go to . It was about 2 hours away , but it dealt with her issues . So we packed up her stuff , hopped in the van and set out . We got there and my parents had a lot of paperwork to do . My sister and I were to wait in the waiting room until they were done . I sometimes wonder if I looked as scared as I felt . Somebody from the hospital staff came and took my sister and I on a tour of the grounds and hospital . They explained things to us to the best of their ability . It helped some . Mom was finally checked in and we went to help her settle in to her room . That 's when we discovered thaPosted by I really thought that I might have a slow day today . I woke up and realized that the only thing on my schedule was physical therapy . Could it be ? Could I really have a day with next to nothing to do ? And that 's when it hit me . I absolutely had to go to work . I had already put it off too long . And I needed to return that call from disability . We 've got to get them going on processing Donny 's claim . And I have to get Donny going on his new meds schedule . And then this afternoon , after physical therapy , I really needed to go to Wal - Mart . And mom needed me to take her to run some errands . Oh , and grandma and Aunt Lenora need me to pick up prescriptions for them . And since I didn 't get everything done at work this morning I really do need to go back this evening . And there goes my slow day . I ended up putting off work until tomorrow afternoon / evening . If I let it be known that all my time is scheduled maybe the scheduling gods will take pity on me and put everything else off until Friday . Wait , I 'm busy then . Maybe this weekend ? Nope , already committed . I might be able to work you in next week , but act quick because it 's going quick . Donny 's home again . He was discharged this afternoon . He came home with a brand new nebulizer and some insulin . Hopefully he won 't need the insulin anymore once he 's off the steroids . But until then , I get to stab him in the stomach at least once a day . The upside to this is that it helps alleviate the scheduling issues that I 'm dealing with . That 's one less place that I need to be . The downside is that I just lost my help in caring for him . As awful as one nurse was , I really liked the peace of mind that comes with knowing that he 's surrounded by medical professionals if anything goes wrong . Besides , the other nurses were great ! I 'll really miss the help . I spent my day beating my head against the clock . Let me tell you something , beating your head against the clock gets you nothing but a headache . I started off by forgetting that with my grandma you need to tell her that you 're walking out the door a half hour before you plan to . I said we 're leaving at 9 : 00 , we left at 9 : 20 . And we discussed all this last night . I got to the hospital just in time to go in and check on my husband really quick before having to leave again . I literally spent more time parking than I did in his room . We left the hospital bound for grandma 's appointment with the neurologist . The only problem was that grandma wasn 't really sure where his office was . This was her first appointment and she 'd failed to bring the address . Fortunately we found it and she was less than 5 minutes late to her appointment . After that we had a short break before I had to be at my appointment . I thought that since it was lunchtime this would be a good time to eat the lunch that I 'd packed . But grandma insisted that we had to go to the bank before eating . So after a couple wrong turns she found her bank and all was well . Or was it ? I think that I angered my grandmother when I insisted that my growling tummy meant that we had to stop and eat . She thought that I should be off in search of stamps . Since I was driving , I won . After taking an entirely too long 15 minute lunch break I realized that if I didn 't head to my appointment immediately I 'd be late . So we were off again . I did my physical therapy , and it was the most relaxing part of my day . I really love those therapists ! After therapy I took grandma for her head ex ray . They confirmed that her head is still there , and we decided to finally go get the stamps that she bugged me about every 15 minutes . But alas , that was not to be . As we left the ex ray I got a call from Donny that he needed me at the hospital , so we went there . He had been given his nebulizer and needed to show me what he 'd been taught about it before he forgot . At 4 : 30 my grandma decides to let me know Posted by This blog is the one place where I don 't censor myself . If you know me in real life you may not want to read this , since it may be you that I 'm talking about . If you choose to ignore the warning and your feelings get hurt , I don 't want to hear about it . |
This morning , when I went out to feed Rambo , I looked up and saw him walking back from his bathroom spot . It was so cute , because when he saw me , he ran right up to the gate and started grunting ! He is a big talker ! I had to go inside his house this morning , because I had to check his water . I poured his food into his big rubber dish , and looked in the water container . Sure enough , I had to get him some more . I went into the house , and grabbed the water jug . My mom offered to fill up the water jug since I was standing in the house with my snow covered boots . So , once his water jug was filled up , I had to maneuver my way outside while holding the lantern and trying not to spill his water at the same time ! I finally got to his house , Rambo was still eating , I was happy about that because , when I am holding his jug , and its full of water , he will nudge it with his nose . I have to make sure he doesn 't spill it ! I filled up his water dish to the brim , then gave Rambo a hug , and went back inside . Its so fun seeing Rambo in the morning ! - oboe . chick Hello ! Here is a picture I took of Rambo rolling his new toy around ! It has some Cheerios inside it , and Rambo rolls it around until the Cheerios fall out ! Here is the picture : Isn 't he cute ? Rambo has a lot of fun rolling around his light bulb ! It 's pretty cool because the light bulb smells like mint ! Maybe that is another reason he likes it ! I love how he always has all kinds of straw stuck to him ! - oboe . chick Hello ! I hope everyone had a great Christmas ! Rambo sure did ! Although , his sweater that we had gotten him for him was too small ! His head wouldn 't fit ! Poor Rambo ! Although , he did get a bag of Cheerios from Santa , and he also got a green light bulb toy we can put his Cheerios in ! He rolls it around the driveway , and gets all of the little treats out ! It is so cute ! Today , my mom and I went to the store and bought him a green velvet stocking that has a big golden " R " on it . It is very pretty ! Rambo is a very good pig , and today , he got an orange mixed in with his supper tonight ! He loves it when there is a little treat in his meals ! I have a picture of Rambo rolling his green light bulb around the driveway that I will be posting soon ! - oboe . chick Hello ! I was so excited when I saw this ! My mom said that our friend , Mary had brought something fun to work . I was so excited to see what it was ! So , when we got to her office , my mom opened the door , and I saw - - THIS ! ! ! Isn 't it the cutest ? ! Mary 's daughter painted it for my family and I ! We enjoyed it a lot ! The white stripe is perfect , and she even got the white patch of hair under his chin ! I love the wings , aren 't they cute ? - oboe . chick I am so excited ! We got Rambo a present for Christmas ! It is a cute little sweater ! It is actually a dog sweater , but I bet it will fit Rambo also ! : ) I will post a picture of him on his blog so you can see what he looks like ! I bet he will love it ! When Rambo came outside today , he was full of straw ! It was totally embedded in his hair ! My dad and I gave him a good massage and some of the straw came out ! But , it wasn 't even half of it ! Rambo is excited for Christmas ! - oboe . chick This morning , I looked outside , and of course , it had snowed . I had another thing on my agenda , to dig out a new path for Rambo to walk to his bathroom corner . The reason we have this path is because , if Rambo stands in the snow for too long , his poor little hooves get cold , and he holds them in the air if they get too cold . So my dad and I have been scraping the snow out of the way for him so that he can walk to and from his bathroom area without him getting his feet cold . I went outside in my snowsuit outfit , and filled up his cup of food . I gave him his food and got the shovel that was leaning against the tree and scraped the snow out of the way all the way to the dirt . After I looked at the path and thought it looked good , I said good - bye to Rambo on my way out the door . He is always a good boy when I am at school , and he is so excited when he sees me come home ! - oboe . chick Hello ! I have decided that every week , I will take a picture of Rambo , and post it on his blog ! That way , you can see how much he is growing week by week ! I think that his tail keeps getting longer ! He has a nice winter coat on him , it is long and thick ! I will try to get Rambo when he looks really cute , but that is hard because he likes to walk up and sniff the camera before I can get a good picture of him ! Here is an image I took of Rambo when he was younger , I will be getting a new picture of him this week , but this one is the cutest picture ever ! Rambo lounging after his bath ! - oboe . chick I went up to the cities today with my mom , me and our friend , Linda , and so my dad was at home with Rambo . My mom called Dad , and my dad said : Rambo had rode on the four wheeler ! Dad said that Rambo was nervous grunting , and then he calmed down and dad rode up and down the driveway with him ! It sounded pretty cute , but then Rambo just ate some bird seed the rest of the time ! I was so happy to hear that he had a good time ! - oboe . chick So far this winter , Rambo has been doing pretty good . Although , my dad and I don 't like it when he goes outside because he might get cold hooves . Rambo already had a cold hoof a couple days ago . My dad tried to warm up his hoof , but Rambo would pull it away , and he would hold his foot in the air because it was cold . We are thinking of getting Rambo a little piggy sweater for Christmas ! That way , he won 't get chilly if he does want to go for a little walk . My dad shoveled a little path for Rambo if he has to go to the bathroom . Rambo walks along it and his hooves don 't get cold . Rambo has a long winter ahead of him , but I am sure he will do great ! - oboe . chick Brr . . . It is really cold out here where I am . We are having a snow storm . Well , its really not much of a snow storm though . But since the weather is really cold , Rambo has to be prepared ! Every morning I went out to feed him , I would check the temperature in his house , and it would always say 40 degrees . Well , my dad went and got seven bales of hay , and grouped them around Rambo 's house to keep the heat in . It has been working real well so far . I just went out to see Rambo , and he was wagging his long black tail ! He was so excited to see me , he was also very excited to see I also had an apple with me ! I fed him the apple , and checked his water . Everything was perfect in there ! Rambo is being very good , he doesn 't like to go outside though . That is very understandable ! - oboe . chick Today , since these winter days are getting cold , we had to fix up Rambo 's house a little so that we made sure that Rambo stayed nice and warm during the night , where the temperature really drops down to a low level . So , my dad took a big quilt that we didn 't use , and nailed it in his house like a flap . It hung down by his bed area so that his bed stayed warm and no drafts got in . Rambo liked that a lot ! We also hooked up a water dish that heated up so that his water didn 't freeze . That will be nice so that I don 't have to get him new water if it freezes . Now , Rambo will be sure to stay cozy and warm on those winter nights ! - oboe . chick As I was getting ready for school this morning , my dad called and told me to check Rambo 's water to make sure it wasn 't frozen . So , when I went out to feed Rambo , I checked his water , and as my dad had predicted , his water was totally frozen . I gave him his food , then quickly rushed inside . I chipped all the ice out , then filled up the dish , and brought it back outside . Well - - I called my dad and told him Rambo 's water had frozen , and my dad said to fill up his rubber black dish instead of the original one . So , I told my mom that I had to fill up the rubber dish , so she filled it up , and we went outside . It was pretty cold by the way . : ) I grabbed Rambo 's old dish , and replaced it with the rubber dish , and then I ran back inside . It was such a relief to be back in the warm , cozy , house ! - oboe . chick Where I live , the snow has started to fall ! I got home from school today , and we stopped by Rambo 's house and we called for him . But , he didn 't come out . Rambo is being pretty smart in staying inside his house where it is cozy and warm ! Poor Rambo ! My dad says we will have to get him extra straw and make sure his house is staying warm at all times ! I went out and visited him last night , and he had been sleeping in his house , and when I opened his roof , he was covered from head to hoof in straw ! It was so cute ! We gave him a few Cheerios , but then , Rambo was to tired , and he went to sleep . - oboe . chick Hello ! As you can see , Rambo 's blog got a new blog design ! It now has three columns , so that I can post stuff on BOTH sides of my blog , and the background was changed , and so was the text , so you can read the blog posts easier ! I would like to thank Reyna for giving Rambo 's blog a new look ! Thank you ! - oboe . chick I was so happy when I got home today , my mom drove up to Rambo 's house and we looked outside , and . . . Rambo 's water dish was outside ! It was so funny ! I jumped out of the car and grabbed the water jug , it was completely dry ! So , when Rambo popped out , I told him I was going to get him some water . His only reply was a " grunt . " : ) So I walked over to the faucet and filled up his water , and brought it back . My mom grabbed his Cheerio container , and I filled up his apple juice jug with some Cheerios , and dropped it on the ground . Rambo immediately attacked it and started shoving it around with his nose ! He is so cute ! When I left his pen , I turned around and saw his big , long , tail wagging , and he was pushing around the jug . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It was 4 : 30 , so I looked outside , and Rambo 's beautiful Christmas lights were on when I went out to feed him . I complemented him on lights , but the only thing he was focused on at the moment were the potbelly pig food that I had in my hand ! He is such a fun little guy ! - oboe . chick Rambo really has the Christmas spirit with his bright twinkling lights ! We managed to snap a picture of his lights , here it is : Here is Rambo 's nice , bright condo ! Isn 't it cute ? Rambo even hasa timer for his lights . When its time to turn off the lights , the timerwill turn them off ! Its pretty nifty ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Did you also notice the little white dots falling on Rambo 's blog ? It must mean it is SNOWING ! ! ! ! Rambo insisted that I put it on here ! I found these little snowflakes on a blog called Olive Tree . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In other news with Rambo , today my dad and I filed Rambo 's nails ! He seemed to like getting his pedicure ! He would lay there and grunt . He is such a happy pig ! - oboe . chick It is just so funny what Rambo finds to eat ! Today , my dad was putting Christmas lights up and we let Rambo out . Rambo trotted right over to the tree , and eats the little pieces of bird seed that he finds in the ground . I have been watching him for the past 5 minutes , and all he is doing is eating the seed ! He is like a vacuum cleaner ! I was telling him that its called BIRD seed not POTBELLIED PIG seed . He doesn 't seem to care though . He is pretty happy , because looking at him right now , his tail is wagging ! I just love his tail ! It is the cutest ! It is pretty chilly though . It is always nice to walk into the house and have it be nice and warm . Rambo 's house is like that too ! If it 's cold outside , he always has a warm house to walk into ! - oboe . chick A few days ago , my dad and I were sitting with Rambo , and we looked at his hooves and noticed they were a little long . My dad said we would have to get a file and file them down a little . So , when we go to the store sometime , we will be picking up a file for Rambo ! Rambo doesn 't seem to care that his hooves are getting a little long , I guess it doesn 't bother him ! He is so fun ! He is always digging at my pocket if he smells some cheerios in my pocket , he loves to talk , and he loves to be hugged ! I am always having fun with Rambo . He is funny ! - oboe . chick Rambo had a fabulous Thanksgiving ! Everyone thought he was so cute ! Rambo got to be pet , given an apple , and Rambo figured out he liked . . . BIRD SEED ! Silly Rambo , he is always eating the silliest things . Rambo squealed in protest as my dad was trying to bring him to his pen , he wanted to keep eating the bird seed ! It was funny . Rambo was a perfect pig , when my aunt saw him , the first thing she said was : " He is so cute ! Look at that tail ! " Everyone always comments on Rambo 's tail and whether or not it should be curly , or if its wagging like crazy ! It 's funny ! Well , Rambo 's Thanksgiving dinner was his Mazuri : Active Adult food . Although it probably was the best dinner he ever had . Rambo 's meal also consisted of an apple and bird seed . I will probably have to steer clear of the bird seed for a while when I take Rambo on his walk ! - oboe . chick During dinner one night , I noticed my mom had put oranges on the table . So I asked my dad if Rambo liked oranges . I looked in my potbellied pig book , and I found that pigs loved any fruits or melons , so we gave Rambo a few pieces of an orange . We brought it out there , and Rambo was grunting , all excited to see what was on the Harry Potter paper plate ! ( Yes , I said Harry Potter paper plate ! ) So , I set the plate down , and I thought to myself : Maybe we should have given him some more ! Because Rambo ate those pieces of oranges so fast , the orange pieces were gone when I looked back at the plate ! I thought that was the funniest thing ! - oboe . chick My family and I had been discussing this for awhile , and could never decide the perfect day to do it . What were we trying to plan you may ask ? Well the answer to that question is : taking the picture for our Christmas cards . This Christmas card wasn 't just the Christmas card with the members of the family , we also had to include the ANIMALS ! So in our picture was the following : Saydee and Mia ( the pugs ) , and Rambo ( the pig ) . Today was a rainy day , so we had to try and get this photo taken before more rain started to fall . Here is how it went : My dad grabbed Rambo from his pen , and my mom and brother grabbed the two pugs . We sat on the front steps of our house and held the animals . My brother held Saydee , my mom held Mia , and I held Rambo . My dad put on the automatic picture taker , and he ran to sit down . Christmas Picture # 1 : Well , Mia started whining her head off , and Rambo decided to see what was wrong , so he turned his head around , and the camera took the picture . So , in that picture , all you saw was the back of Rambo 's head . Scratch that photo ! Christmas Picture # 2 : I don 't think you want to know what happened in that one . . . : ) Christmas Picture # 3 : FINALLY ! WE FINALLY GOT A PERFECT PICTURE ! ! ! Saydee did pretty well in this picture , she even looked at the camera . Mia , we decided was very photogenic , because she sat up straight and looked right at the camera . And Rambo , well he wouldn 't look at the camera , so I had to turn to the side to get him to look at the camera ! : ) Taking pictures is very hectic sometimes , but it went pretty well over all ! ! ! I was so glad ! - oboe . chick Rambo had a fun day today ! First , Rambo and my dad went running in the ditch ! It was pretty funny , my dad said that Rambo ran down into the ditch , then he kept running , and running ! It sounded pretty funny ! Then , Rambo got to dig around outside , my mom got a little wary when Rambo was digging all kinds of big holes ! He was half buried in one hole he was digging ! : ) Rambo was pretty tired after that exercise , so I went and sat in his house with him . I fed him some Cheerios and re - filled his water jug . My dad and I taught Rambo how to take Cheerios from us without him biting our fingers on accident . We tell him to " sit , " then Rambo sits , and we give him his Cheerio . He nibbles on the Cheerio and bites it in half without biting our fingers ! We even were able to show him how to stand on his back legs and take the Cheerio without accidentally getting our fingers too ! I am so proud of him ! - oboe . chick Well , it 's that time of year again ! The time where you are bustling about trying to find gifts for friends and family ! It 's a little different for me this year because I am not only looking for presents for my friends and family , but Rambo too ! I had one idea in mind that I got from a website called pigs4ever . com . It is a website especially for potbellied pigs , and I found under the Amusement section on the website something called a " busy ball . " It is a ball that you can put treats inside , and your pig can roll it , and treats will fall out ! I thought that this toy would be perfect for Rambo since : 1 . He gets bored sometimes . 2 . He loves Cheerios and rolling things around ! I will have to look into getting this for him , and it would greatly replace the apple juice bottle that he has outside , which he could wreck sometime , and the busy ball is indestructible to pigs , so there is another reason why it would be a good gift for him ! I found a picture on the website of the owner 's pig , Ziggy , playing with his busy ball . . . Here it is ! The busy ball ! It would be the perfect size for Rambo , and with his big , strong , snout , he wouldn 't have any trouble pushing it around ! - oboe . chick Sorry I didn 't post for a few days , this is because , Rambo went hunting again ! I wasn 't able to get any pictures this time because we forgot our camera , but Rambo did the same thing he did the last time . . . He rooted ! On Saturday , Rambo rooted the ENTIRE day without stopping . I would come back from hunting , he would be digging , I looked out the window in the cabin , he would be digging , etc . Rambo was so exhausted when he got in the car today to go home , he lied down instantly ! He would rest his head on my hand , and he would lay there , all nice and calm . Except , when we went over bridges , he would sit up for a few seconds , then he would lay back down again . It was pretty cute ! When we finally got home , my dad lifted Rambo out of the car and I brought him to his pen . He was trotting all the way over to his house . I opened the gate and he walked right in and I unhooked him from his leash , and he immediately went inside his house . I plugged in his heater , and it warmed up in there right away ! I also fluffed up his hay , and put his blankets and his toy inside his house too ! He was so happy ! I also fed him some Cheerios too . He is now sound asleep in his house ! He was such a good pig ! - oboe . chick I got home from school today , and my dad was home with Rambo . I looked outside , and Rambo was of course , doing his favorite thing in the whole world - - ROOTING ! I did my homework assignment , then went outside to see him . My dad told me that he and Rambo had gone into the ditch by our house so that he could eat some Dandelion leaves ! Rambo was so excited when he learned that my dad and I were going back into the ditch ! He was oinking all the way there ! It was pretty cute . My dad found some pretty big dandelion plants in the ditch . I never knew there were so many ! Rambo had a little bit of a hard time digging up the roots though , so my dad had grabbed a screwdriver and was helping Rambo pull the roots out of the ground . Rambo of course didn 't like that dad was trying to help him , because he was supposedly thinking that dad might try to eat his root , so he pushed my dad 's hand away a couple times . Overall , Rambo got to eat about four dandelion plants before we had to go back to the house to start supper . Rambo was kind of sad when we had to leave , but once he saw that he got to have Cheerios in his apple jug , he was pretty excited to leave ! So , I grabbed a bag of Cheerios and walked Rambo back to his pen . But Rambo basically pulled my dad back to his pen because he was so excited ! So , once I got the Cheerios in the bottle , I dropped it on the ground , and Rambo plowed right into it , intent on getting those Cheerios ! - oboe . chick We have come back from our hunting trip ! I had so much fun , but sadly , no one got a deer . Rambo had a whole lot of fun ! He didn 't go hunting , but he did love digging in the dirt ! I think he may have overworked his nose though , because on the way home , he fell asleep as soon as he got in the car ! Here are some pictures : Doesn 't Rambo look nice in this picture ? He is wearing his blaze orangebandanna ! It was always easy to see Rambo digging in the dirt whenwe came back from hunting ! Here is a cute picture of Rambo eating some lettuce . Rambo is still eating his lettuce ! I loved his bandanna ! It got a bit dirty though . : ) Rambo is still eating ! Heehee ! My dad took this picture , becausehe liked having the woods showing in the background . Well , that 's all of Rambo 's Hunting pictures ! He was a very good boy up at the cabin ! Everyone loved him , my godparent 's dog Snicker even liked him too ! - oboe . chick Today is the day ! We are heading up north with Rambo ! He is very excited to go up there ! He is going to meet some new friends , my godparents . We are also going to be taking our Christmas pictures up there also ! I am very happy also , because Rambo still fits in his kennel ! While heading up there , I will be reading him a book , although I can 't decide which one . . . Hmm . . . I will have to think about it . I have got to go and get Rambo ready to go now ! - oboe . chick Today , when I got home from school , Rambo was outside waiting for us ! I went outside right away to see him ! He was running low on water , so I refilled it , and I put some Cheerios in his jug for him to roll around . He had great fun with that ! It started to rain after awhile , and my mom , brother , and I were going to my brother 's guitar lesson . So we went , and then we came home . It was still raining out when we arrived back at home , but I still went out and fed Rambo ! - oboe . chick Rambo is so strong ! I had my Grandma and Grandpa over , and I was going to get Rambo out on his leash , so I got his leash out of his house , and I was about to hook him up until . . . Rambo ran out of his pen , with me still hanging onto his harness ! He stopped running after about 2 seconds , and I was sprawled on the ground . I wasn 't hurt or anything and it was quite funny after I lay there for about a minute ! I finally got Rambo attached to his leash , and we fed him some fat free popcorn ! A special treat ! Rambo liked it a lot ! - oboe . chick Next Weekend , my family and I are going up to my godfather 's cabin and we are going to go hunting ! Rambo is coming with us too ! He has gotten so big , we are afraid he might not fit in his carrier anymore ! Rambo is going to have so much fun , he will have lots of places to root in , and we will probably be able to find him lots of dandilion leaves ! Maybe even a special treat , he will get to sleep on my bed ! Then , when we go hunting , my mom is going to stay back and take care of him . I will have to post some pictures of him on his adventure ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I had gone to a friend 's house on Friday and had slept over night . I had so much fun ! My mom and dad had sent me some cute pictures of him of my dad holding him . When I got home I was so excited to see my family , and Rambo too ! - oboe . chick After school , my mom drove my brother and I home . When we got home , Rambo was standing outside his house , with his water jug stuck in the doorway ! So poor Rambo was stuck outside ! I had to run out there super fast and fix his water ! I also picked up his bathroom corner too ! I am going to go outside with my dad and sit in his house and feed him some Cheerios ! Silly pig , pig ! - oboe . chick Hello ! We had gotten some reindeer antlers from a friend , and they were for Rambo to wear for Christmas ! Here are some pictures that we took of him - - they are quite cute ! : ) Rambo wasn 't so sure when we put these on . . . but he looked so cute , we just had to get a picture ! Isn 't this just adorable ? ? ? ! ! ! Hmmm . . . Maybe these will have to be on our Christmas cards ! - oboe . chick Rambo was a so silly ! When we got home I looked outside his house and he had knocked his water dish outside his house ! So I had to get him some more water , and then I got him some Cheerios and put them in his apple juice bottle , and set that down , Rambo had fun playing with that . Although , I went to babysit and so I didn 't get to give him his dinner , but , I will be able to tomorrow ! : ) - oboe . chick Rambo had a couple visitors today . It was a couple of our neighbors . Rambo was so excited to see them ! He showed them his tricks , and let them pet him ! He was such a good pig ! After the neighbors left , I took Rambo for a walk , ( well it wasn 't really a walk , he basically just rooted the whole time ! ) Then I gave him his daily apple ! Boy , does he like apples ! Rambo had a pretty fun day ! I go and sit with him in his house all the time , and give him Cheerios ! He is very enjoyable ! - oboe . chick Here are some pictures of Rambo : Here is a picture of Rambo 's heater ! He likes it a lot ! Rambo thought I should get a picture of him in his hay ! Rambo felt like staring at the wall in this picture ! " Goodbye ! " Oinks Rambo as he exits his house - - leaving me all alone inside ! Rambo is such a silly piggy ! I hope you enjoyed the pictures ! - oboe . chick Today , it was drizzling outside , and my dad and I went and got Rambo a heater . It is really nice and is good quality . It is made for dog houses , and it means that it won 't catch on fire , which I am very happy about ! After we installed Rambo 's heater , we took him for a walk to the store . It isn 't far away , and it gave Rambo good exercise ! We had to walk into a ditch , then cross the highway ( we got across safely ! ) , then walk through another ditch to the store . Since Rambo has hooves , when he walks through mud , it looks like a baby deer was walking through the ditch ! It was cute ! Rambo also dug around in the pine needles when we got back , and of course he was digging up more DANDELION LEAVES ! ! ! ! My dad is always helping him sniff out the dandelions . After that , Rambo went back in his house to dry off from the drizzle next to his new heater ! - oboe . chick Rambo has now moved on to the Mazuri : Active Adult pig food ! Rambo is now 4 months old , and a brochure we have about the pig food says that when a piglet reaches 4 months old , they are ready to move on the the next food level ! Rambo is growing so fast ! I had to clean out his straw and alfalfa today , because his hay was damp again . Poor Rambo ! We now have to get more straw since we used all of it already ! We will have to probably get double the straw we got last time since winter is coming ! It seems like it is already here with little piles of snow on the ground ! - oboe . chick Rambo was such a good boy today ! My dad and I called his name and he would do some sprinting across the yard ! It was so cute ! While my dad and brother were loading up our for - wheelers to go up north , Rambo was digging in the pine needles eating of course - - DANDELION LEAVES ! ! ! They , as you may already know , are his FAVORITE ! ! ! Hee - Hee ! But while he was digging , I was kind of chilly , but I was okay ! Rambo got all kinds of Cheerios today too ! Silly piggy ! We brought him back in his house after about an hour of playtime , and we fluffed up his hay , and Rambo was ready for bed ! - oboe . chick It has been pretty nice outside ! Just really chilly ! I heard on the news it was supposed to snow on Saturday ! Brrr ! ! ! ! Rambo will have to have lots of hay in his house ! Although the isolation from the Styrofoam is working well too ! I was in his house a few days ago , and it was so warm in there ! It was nice and cozy ! Rambo is such a big pig ! He is probably almost to his full height ! He is growing so fast ! He was a dirty piggy after rooting in the dirt today ! He looked so cute outside wagging his tail ! I will have to post some pictures soon ! - oboe . chick Today was sadly another cloudy - rainy day . Rambo got out quite a bit though ! He had fun , although he dug up the grass in our yard a little - - but it wasn 't too bad ! My dad brought our camper home from up north , and Rambo was so happy to see him ! He had an apple today , and a numerous amount of Cheerios ! Rambo is such a cutey ! My dad and brother were raking up pine needles , and Rambo was out on his leash with them . He was " helping " them rake ( well actually it was more digging than raking ! Hee Hee ! ) I had a really fun day with Rambo today ! - oboe . chick Yesterday , my dad , brother , and I went out to Rambo 's house and sat in his house with him for a bit . He was very happy to have us ! When we arrived , Rambo was laying in his hay . When he saw who was there , he shot up out of his hay and grunted , and wagged his tail ! He was very excited ! So we all sat in there with him , petting him , feeding him Cheerios , and scratching his belly . He is a very spoiled piggy ! My brother left after a bit , so my dad and I were left . Rambo was getting tired . So when we fluffed up his hay for him , he burrowed in there and fell asleep . - oboe . chick Brr ! ! ! It is getting pretty chilly around here ! Its rainy , and cold ! That 's fall for you ! Rambo is going to need some moisturizing lotion , which I will be hopefully lathering him in tonight ! Rambo is getting really big ! I will have to post a picture soon ! And if you scroll down , you can see that I have a button for Rambo 's blog ! Please feel free to post it on your blog ! We are celebrating my dad 's birthday today , we are all excited - - and so is Rambo ! We wanted to put him in a party hat . . . but unfortunately we don 't have any . Oh well ! Now a great present for my dad is if I could teach Rambo how to oink Happy Birthday ! How cute would that be ? ? ? ? Here is a picture of the button ! - oboe . chick Since today was a rainy day , I thought I would write about Rambo 's playtime he had yesterday . First Rambo had his daily apple , he is taking some pretty big bites out of them , so I have to watch my fingers ! After his apple , we went into the pine needles , and Rambo dug around in there to find some plants and roots to chew on - - his favorite is dandelion leaves ! Next , I brought him around the house a few times , Rambo did some " scooting " ( or sprinting ) . He pulled me along like someone on a dog sled ! He is getting really strong , and BIG too ! Then when my dad got home , Rambo trotted and grunted all the way over to see my dad ! He likes my dad a lot ! He is starting to squeal when we pick him up like he is saying : " Hey put me down I want to play ! " But it is pretty funny , and he settles down after a few minutes ! Over all , Rambo had a fun day ! - oboe . chick Fall is definitely here ! It is pretty windy out here , and Rambo 's house had pine needles all over the top of his house so I had to go and brush all of them off ! The next thing on my agenda was to check if his hay was damp at all - - which it was , so I took out all of the hay , stuffed it in garbage bags , and put new hay back in ! Rambo was so excited to get new hay , so he dug into the hay and started chewing on some alfalfa . It was pretty cute to listen to him chomp on his hay ! My dad came home from up north today so Rambo was pretty excited ! He grunted with joy ! Rambo is doing so well here , and he has grown up a lot too ! - oboe . chick Sorry I haven 't updated Rambo 's blog for awhile ! I have busy with swimming and school and don 't have a lot of time . My swim team had our first meet on Monday and we got first place ! I was so excited ! Rambo has been very good while I have been gone , he has gotten an apple every night and lots of running around time with my dad and I ! He likes to scoot ( or sprint ) a lot ! Even when he is on his leash , he will run really fast ahead of my dad and I , do a few little circles and come right back ! He is so cute ! I say good - bye and tell him to be a good pig ( which I know he will be ) every morning ! And he always is . He is very excited when we get home - - because he also knows it is feeding time ! Today it was raining out , so Rambo didn 't get a chance to come out of his pen . But he will absolutely have time tomorrow ! - oboe . chick These were some funny pictures I got of Rambo on Friday when he had his bath ! He was a little more antsy than last time . But that 's okay ! I just thought I 'd share these , because they were pretty cute ! - oboe . chick Today , Rambo came out of his pen for a while and watched my dad and brother while they made a fire in the fire pit . Rambo didn 't like it very much - - it got a little too warm for him . I had Rambo drinking out of the hose , it was pretty cute ! He would get his lips up close to the water and he slurped some of it into his mouth , although he got tired of the water spraying out at him all the time , so he didn 't drink out of it very long ! To bad I didn 't get a picture ! Rambo had some more visitors today , he enjoyed it a lot , especially when they had Cheerios ! It is 4 : 15 PM right now , not quite time for Rambo to eat . Rambo also had an apple today , it was considered a mid - supper meal ! Rambo enjoyed it a lot ! - oboe . chick The good , good pig is a very cute biography about a pig named Christopher Hogwood . Christopher Hogwood was adopted as a sick little piglet who was the runt of his litter . The author , Sy Montgomery writes about Christopher 's everyday life on the farm , Christopher is a pig that loves to eat , break out of his pen , and loves attention . Christopher gets pretty famous throughout this book , and Sy opens up a " Pig Spa " where people come and give Chris a bath . It was a very cute book over all , but it can be sad and funny at times too . I got this book from a friend . - oboe . chick Last night , Rambo stayed inside for the night after his bath . Although it was kind of sad because he would stare outside and root at the bottom of the door like he was saying , " I want to go back outside ! " But since Rambo has been outside more often now , he has gotten attached to his outside home . He was really excited when I brought him back outside the next morning , he was practically running to the gate ! I bet he was probably thinking , " I 'm home ! I 'm home ! " My dad and I are going to be changing his hay , it has gotten damp , and Rambo does not want to sleep in wet hay ! That would not be very fun . We are trying to think of some toys to give Rambo for when he has to stay home alone by himself when I am at school . He is not a big fan of balls right now , and his 2 liter pop bottle that he has , is all dented up from him pushing it up against the gate , his house , and trees . If you have any ideas for a pig toy , please give me some ideas . Because we are stumped when it comes to toys for a pig ! - oboe . chick Rambo was a very good pig today , I fed him in the morning and gave him fresh water before I went off to school ! Waking up at 5 : 30 is hard , but it is totally worth it ! Rambo gets sad when we leave him home , but when we get home , we give him loads of attention and give him Cheerios ( of course ) and he gets so happy ! Rambo is a very fun piggy ! I gave him a bath today - - he was a little squirmy , but he was good ! We lathered him in moisturizing lotion and now he smells good , and is soft and cuddly too ! - oboe . chick I have been really busy lately , so I haven 't been able to play with Rambo a whole lot . But I still fit it in ! My dad has taught Rambo how to climb the stairs ! He was never able to do that before , since he was so small . He has gotten bigger now and has accomplished a lot in the short time that we have had him ! We all love him , my mom even caught herself kissing him on the head the other night ! Tomorrow is Friday , and then the weekend . . . I can 't wait to spend time with Rambo ! - oboe . chick This afternoon , our neighbors came over to see Rambo . I got him on his leash and brought him over to the front of the house where we waited for them to arrive . When they got here , he was a very good pig , he sniffed their hands and let them pet him . He did a very nice job ! My family and I brought our neighbors over to his house , and Rambo was trying to run ahead so he could show it off , but his leash slowed him down . The neighbors were pretty impressed . So , after they left , we fed Rambo some of his Cheerios , then he went off to bed . - oboe . chick Rambo 's day was pretty good ! He had to stay home for a little while , but when we got home , I brought him outside and we let him walk around for a while . He enjoyed it a lot ! My dad and I were trying to teach Rambo the " stay " command . He did okay , but it still needs some perfection . I also gave Rambo an apple ! I took out the seeds , they are toxic to potbellies so it is always a good idea to take them out ! Rambo has been getting bigger every day ! His belly has been getting really big ! It is getting it 's potbelly form ! - oboe . chick Yay ! I got a score of 155 on my State Shoot score ! I am so happy ! It got kind of rainy though , and it rained at my house . Rambo was home alone at the time . He got kind of bored apparently because he knocked the ramp that was used for his pool over , he also knocked his ramp off of his house , and tipped the stool over . That silly pig ! He can 't be kept occupied for very long ! When I went to see him , he was grunting away ! It was pretty cute ! - oboe . chick Today , my brother and I are going to be competing in the State Shoot for 4 - H ! It is going to be pretty cool ! I asked my dad if we could bring Rambo so that he could be our mascot - - but he said no . Darn ! Oh well , I bet he will have a lot more fun being in his pen rolling around his bottleFULL of Cheerios ! - oboe . chick Rambo is sleeping inside tonight after his bath . We shampooed him today , and he smells so good ! We are convincing my mom to let him sleep on the bed , which has finally worked ! Hee - Hee ! His tail seems to always wag faster when he is in the house . My dad had to take him outside for about 15 minutes , because Rambo had to go to the bathroom first before he could even sleep on my bed . Outside , all Rambo did was basically rut and sniff around before he finally decided to go to the bathroom . Silly pig ! I have noticed that Rambo has been getting a little agressive - - to help solve this problem , we just grab Rambo 's snout and tell him " no , " so then he will know not to do that . Otherwise , he has been a very good piggy ! - oboe . chick After a LONG day at school , I finally got home to see Rambo ! He was quite dirty from digging in the dirt ! Silly guy ! He is starting to get a big belly ! I can 't believe how big it is ! I fed him his Mazuri pig food , I just cut him off of his baby grain about a week ago . He didn 't mind at all ! Rambo got to come out of his pen and walk around without his leash on , and he was doing really well - - until he found the tomato plants in my dad 's garden ! Then he had to go on his leash . Rambo had a lot of fun outside , he would trot around on his leash , and stretched the leash as far as it would go ! He would , rut little holes in the grass , then he would eat plums from the tree , and even tried to sneak over to my dad 's tomato plants again ( but my dad caught him ! ) After awhile , I had to go and take a shower , so my dad and brother brought him back to his pen . They let him off his leash , and he grunted while he watched them walk back to the house . - oboe . chick Rambo is so funny ! He loves to run ! We were shooting archery , and practicing for the state shoot , and my dad would say " Come and help us score Rambo . " He would trot , trot , trot , back and forth over to the targets and look around like he was helping us " score , " then he would trot , trot , sprint and spin all the way back ! It was so cute ! - oboe . chick Today was my first day of 7th grade , and Rambo had to be home all alone ! I missed him a lot ! I gave him his food in the morning , then put some Cheerios in his 2 liter pop bottle so that he would be kept busy ! He did very good ! I think he missed us though ! I just fed him , and he was so happy - - and a little slobbery too ! - oboe . chick My dad built Rambo a door flap for in front of his door way so that mosquitoes , wind , snow , etc . can 't get into his house . My dad and I climbed into his house and called him in . He was hesitant at first , then lifted the flap with his nose and walked inside . We gave him some Cheerios as a reward . Rambo was very happy . Rambo is doing very well , he can run around the yard without his leash on , he won 't walk off anywhere , but he does walk away to try and sneak an apple or a plum from the tree . My dad has to pull the plum seed out of his mouth because they are toxic to pigs . Running is his all time favorite . He runs in circles then comes running back to us . He is a silly pig ! - oboe . chick This morning , I brought out Rambo 's food EARLY in the morning , and the mosquitoes were at it again ! While he ate , the mosquitoes were buzzing all over him ! He has about 4 little bug bites . Poor pig ! He was so excited to see me though ! He came grunting and squeaking out of his house . I was getting eaten alive by mosquitoes , so I had to go back in the house , but I went and checked on him later and he was doing very well ! - oboe . chick Poor Rambo ! The mosquitoes were just terrible ! We took him for a little walk , and he was attacked by tons of mosquitoes ! I felt bad for him , my dad is planning to put a door on the front of his house so that the mosquitoes , snow , etc . can 't get inside . My dad sprayed him with some insect repelint . I think it worked well . Rambo is now safe and sound in his house - - and out of the mosquitoes ! - oboe . chick This is before the vacation when Rambo , and the two pugsSaydee and Mia were sitting for Cheerios ! Rambo is eating some clover ! It 's his favorite ! Rambo at the lake ! Rambo saying hello to a toad ! ( If you look reallyclose , you can see the toad . ) Rambo was like a celebrity at the campground , so here he is watching for visitors ! Yes , I know this is a weird picture , butit was real cute because Rambo waswalking up to my dad and I carrying thisstick ! It was like he was saying : " Look what I found ! " Camping is exhausting ! Rambofell asleep on the couch watchinga movie ! Rambo had a really fun vacation ! Although his constipation made him a little uncomfortable ! Poor little guy ! He is feeling a lot better though , and was so happy to get back to his pen when we got home ! - oboe . chick Rambo has been a very good pig up here at the campground ! He has been getting tons of attention from passersby , who always want to come up and pet him ! Lots of Cheerios are basically what he has been getting all day ! I will have to cut him back on his Cheerios tomorrow ! Rambo went down to the lake and drank some lake water - - Yuck ! Rambo has been having a little trouble with constipation . I gave him some prune juice and that helped ! He didn 't poop in his carrier on the way up here either ! I started reading to him a book called " The good good pig . " Fits for him doesn 't it ? He fell asleep since we left at around 8 : 00 pm . I pet him too ! He slept good in our trailer all night , then woke up at around 6 : 18 to eat ! I was pretty tired ! He is visiting my Grandma and Grandpa 's trailer right now . Lot 's of attention is drawn to him ! I will put some pictures of Rambo at the lake tomorrow ! - oboe . chick Rambo was such a good boy today ! We brought him to my dad 's work , and he never had an accident on the way there ! He had had some accidents when he first came home , so what an improvement ! The people at dad 's work absolutely loved Rambo ! Now , we are packing up Rambo to bring him on a two day vacation ! I bet he will be the perfect pig ! I will have to get some pictures of him ! I also will post how the vacation went too ! - oboe . chick After Rambo 's bath we gave him tonight , he is going to stay in the house for the night . I got a really cute picture of him and our two pugs sitting for a treat which is really cute ! I will be posting it on here tomorrow . Rambo , has been talking a bunch ! He loves to talk ! Wagging his tail is also another one of his favorites ! Well , better get Rambo off to bed ! - oboe . chick Hello ! How do you like my header image ? My friend Reyna made it for me , if you want a header for your blog , Reyna will make you a custom made blog header ! Her blog is : bloggingheaders . blogspot . com ! Rambo was being a very good pig today ! Reyna and her brother Adam got to see his fabulous tricks when they came over today ! Now my dad is talking about bringing Rambo to work with him ! His friends at work really want to see him . I think it would be quite fun to bring him ! He would only stay for lunch though ! We are also still deciding if Rambo is coming to the campground on Labor Day weekend ! If I get some cute pictures of him , I will post them on here ! - oboe . chick This morning , I woke up at around 6 : 25 to go out and feed Rambo . He was a hungry little piggy ! I let him eat then came back outside to play with him . He did his " circle , " " sit , " and " up " tricks , and I rewarded him with Cheerios ! After all the Cheerios were gone , I picked him up and held him on my lap . I held him for 10 - 15 minutes then set him down . Rambo enjoyed getting a belly rub too ! He is such a cute pig ! - oboe . chick If you want to teach your pig some tricks , here are some basic tricks to start you off : Sit - Hold a Cheerio ( or which ever treat you want ) , a little bit above your pig 's nose . Say " sit " and move the treat backwards until your pig moves into a sitting position . Once your pig does this , reward him / her with a treat . Up - Get another treat , hold it above your pig 's head and tell him / her " up " your pig should lift his / her front legs into the air and stand on his / her back legs . Reward your pig with a treat . Circle - With a treat , hold it in front of your pig , and say " circle " and move the treat in a circular motion . Your pig should follow the treat in a full circle . Reward your pig once he / she does this . Here are three basic moves for your pig . Your pig may not get this at first and will need to have lots of practice . It is always exciting when Rambo learns a new trick ! Good luck and have fun ! - oboe . chick Today , Rambo and I went for a walk outside , I brought him around the driveway two times , and he also went into the pine trees and he dug around in there for a while . He is doing REALLY well on his leash ! I am so proud of him ! His new " circle " trick is coming along nicely too ! He is already a natural ! Yesterday , we gave him his de - wormer . We put the de - wormer on a half piece of peanut butter bread , and he ate it all up ! It works really well . Rambo is doing really well , every night , my dad gives him an apple to eat . Rambo absolutley LOVES apples ! We went outside and gave him some Cheerios before bed , testing him on all of his tricks ! Then we fluffed up his hay for him , and said goodnight . - oboe . chick Yesterday , while my dad , my brother , and I went to shoot archery , my mom stayed home . She had to unpack groceries and couldn 't make it . So when we got home from archery , my mom said Rambo had learned how to " circle . " Which is , holding a Cheerio in front of your pig and say " circle , " then you move the treat in a circle and the pig should follow . I was sitting with Rambo and tried out that trick , and he moved in a complete circle ! I am so proud of him ! I had visited him just now , and he was laying in the sun by his pool , I think he may be a little cold . On Thursday , we are going to rinse off Rambo and apply some more moisturizing lotion . I was holding him today and noticed he had big flakes of dry skin coming off of him , so we will have to add a little more lotion . He smells so nice when we spread lotion on him ! He will be coming up to our trailer on Labor Day weekend , I don 't know what he will think though , with kids riding up and down the road on their bikes , screaming and yelling ! I hope he doesn 't get too scared ! - oboe . chick Tonight was Rambo 's nightly walk , he did very good ! He likes the following technique the best , where someone in front calls him , and he will start trotting forward , all excited ! He is so cute ! We had our pug Mia outside , and Rambo would be eating the dandelions and Mia would look at him like , " What are you eating ? I don 't see anything ! " It was pretty funny ! Rambo would be wagging his little tail all the time ! We brought him back to his pen after a walk around the perimeter of the house , where Rambo drank quite a bit of water ! My dad and I sat outside with him , and went through his tricks , which right now are , sit , and sit up , and come . He is so smart ! After a bit , he got tired , and we said goodnight ! - oboe . chick Yesterday , before Rambo watched some T . V . , he had to have a bath first ! For his bath , we just rinsed him off with some water , ( because we didn 't have to shampoo him for 6 weeks , ) and put on some lotion that made him so soft ! He smelled so nice ! We watched the movie " New in town " and Rambo was laying in my lap for part of it until he had gotten thirsty and had to use the bathroom , then it was bedtime for a tired piggy ! I have added some pictures of him when he had his bath ! Isn 't he cute ? - oboe . chick I am so proud of Rambo ! My dad had been adding tension to his harness so that he could feel what it was like to walk with a leash and today we brought him out and he walked all by himself on his leash ! What a good pig ! When I pulled on it to get him to turn , he wouldn 't squeal or run , he would walk right over ! He walked on our driveway , then he rutted in the pine needles , he was having lots of fun ! I will have to get a picture ! I will also be posting a couple pictures of Rambo when he got his bath yesterday ! - oboe . chick Today , my friend Taylor was over , and she absolutely LOVED him ! ! ! ! Rambo was so nice to Taylor , he didn 't even flinch away from her , he just sniffed her hand and he let her pet him ! He even let her rub his belly ! Such a good pig ! My mom held him for ten minutes , hardly fussing a bit ! He just lay there ! Mom got a bit dirty though . But she didn 't mind it at all ! Tonight , my dad was putting tension on Rambo 's harness , he squealed a little , but not too much ! Then , after he got used to the tension , my dad told him , " Come , " and Rambo squealed , he didn 't like that very much ! But he soon got used to it after a few Cheerios ! After supper , we are going to give Rambo a bath , after that , Rambo gets a special treat . . . he gets to watch T . V . ! - oboe . chick Hi ! This post is going to be written by my friend Taylor on what she thought of Rambo ! Taylor : Hey everyone ! I 'm oboe . chick 's friend , Taylor ! I thought Rambo is the CUTEST most ADORABLE potbellied pig in the UNIVERSE ! He is so cute when you hold up a cheerio in front of his nose and say " Sit " and then either give him the cheerio or you can tell him " Up " and he will STAND ON HIS BACK LEGS ! How positively sweet is that ? And then when you scratch his little tummy he will sometimes flop over and it makes you feel so special ! Rambo is the most wonderful , amazing , and spectacular pig to ever live ! Thanks , oboe . chick for letting me post a comment on your blog ! Back to oboe . chick ! Thanks Taylor ! I will be updating more soon ! - oboe . chick Today after I had fed Rambo , I had gone back in the house to do my jobs for the day . Then I went back outside , I called for him , and he came running ! It was so cute ! I went inside his house and sat in his bed of hay and he walked up to me and sniffed my face and got my shirt all dirty ! Oops ! So I sat and pet him and he lay down and closed his eyes . I left him to take a nap in his hay , which looked quite comfy ! I would have slept there ! - oboe . chick Today , I woke up at around 6 : 15 to go and feed Rambo . He was in his house sleeping , he looked very cozy ! I went and measured out his food and brought it to him , and he ate it all up ! I also gave him some fresh water since he gets it all dirty after rooting in the pen ! Silly Rambo ! It was supposed to rain this morning so I went back inside . It rained a little bit so I went to check on him after it rained to make sure he was doing good ! And of course he was , all curled up in his hay ! I went and sat with him every few minutes or so , and gave him Cheerios . My brother scratched his tummy until he fell asleep in his house ! So sweet ! After I got home from swimming , I went to give him his supper and he had rooted giant holes in the ground and his water dish was sitting outside his house ! What a silly pig ! Soon my dad came home and he helped me pick up Rambo for the first time by myself ! I held him on my lap and fed him Cheerios and scratched his tummy , rubbed his ear , and scratched his back . I set him down and gave him some more Cheerios . My dad taught him how to sit up on his back hooves ! Good Rambo ! Since Rambo can 't quite get into his wading pool , my dad built him a ramp so he can get in and also get back out . So far he has made it to the top , but hasn 't gotten in the pool yet . After some playtime , I said goodnight ! - oboe . chick If you want or already have a potbelly pig , a book that you should get is : The Complete Guide for the Care and Training of Pet Potbellied Pigs . This book is by Kathleen Myers who is a nationally known pig breeder and consultant . This book has 11 chapters and is full of information . My mom ordered this book from Amazon . - oboe . chick After a few hours of playing with Rambo outside , I had to go to swimming practice for the swim team . While we were gone my dad came home with some hay for Rambo . We only had had blankets and some pillows in their for him at first , so we thought he may have been a little cold . My dad spread out the hay and put everything back in his house and he absolutely LOVED it ! I told my dad after I got home , that he would sleep better that night , since two nights ago Rambo had not slept very well , and he fell asleep instantly ! We were so relieved ! - oboe . chick What a night Rambo had last night ! We were checking on him every few minutes , since it was his first night outside , and he kept rooting the ground ! Even at about 8 : 00 past his bedtime ! My dad , brother , and I went out there with a flashlight and told him he needed to sleep , so we refilled his water , covered up the gigantic rooting holes he had made , and went back inside . We checked him two times until finally when me and my dad went and checked , he was fast asleep curled up in his blankets ! What a good boy ! - oboe . chick This morning , Rambo woke up early , so my mom had to come and wake me up . Rambo was up and about looking for food ! Rambo had his morning meal , and me and my family went to church and ran some errands . Then when we got inside the house , Rambo was standing in the dog carrier waiting for us . My dad had gotten more wood at Menards and went to work on the house with my brother . We took Rambo with us , although , he still didn 't like his leash and got squealy . But soon he settled down for us and he got to root around in his pen . My dad started working on the house and first , he put Styrofoam on the bottom of the house , then put plywood on top for the floor . Next , he cut out some Styrofoam into the shape of the walls and glued them to the walls for insulation in the winter . After that , he put on the roof , he measured the one half of the house for the permanent part of the roof and the other half he measured so that I could open up the roof and climb inside to check on Rambo , or clean up his house . My mom came out a while later and painted the house , a light brownish color . Rambo was out there rooting the whole time ! I had taken him off of his leash , so he could go where ever he wanted ! My dad finished the house , and put hinges on the one half of the roof where you could lift up it up . But we are still a little wary of it , because it might fall down . Rambo is a little scared of it too , but he does okay . My mom and I went and gathered up Rambo 's Patrick ( from SpongeBob ) stuffed pillow , and his fleece and silk blanket , and a big quilt that we didn 't have any use for anymore , and his caterpillar toy . I wrapped it in the quilt and arranged it in a way that he would like , soon he went and explored sniffing around inside , we were a little worried , because we thought he was wrecking the Styrofoam ! After awhile , I brought out his food and water , and set it on a mat inside his house , he gobbled up his food and came outside . I got a tupperware full of Cheerios and taught him how to sit , and get up on the log . ( He even jumped on me a Posted by Yesterday with Rambo I gave him his food for the morning , and he gobbled it down like always ! It was the first day that we put on his harness , he had no problem with it ! We gave him a Cheerio for being so good with putting on his harness ! So he walked around with it on for a while and decided that he was tired and needed a nap . He decided that he liked our multicolored rug in the entry way and lay down on that . He tried to doze off but the ongoing noises kept him awake . My dad and brother went off to Menards to get wood for Rambo 's house , so I went and laid on a blanket and read a book , while Rambo laid on the rug . If I laid still on the blanket , he walked up to me a couple times and sniffed me . Which was good so that he would get to know me ! Or sometimes , he would just lay on his rug and stare at me . After awhile , we decided to take him outside on his leash . . . he didn 't like it that much . We set him in the grass and he squealed quite a bit and ran around , but soon we picked him up and put him in his pen outside and he loved it ! It was packed with all the dirt that he needed ! He rooted around in the dirt for about three hours , and got a really dirty nose ! Soon , after we brought in Rambo 's big house , ( which is 9 feet long , by 4 foot high at it 's highest point ) my dad installed a gate and finished wrapping the chain link fence around it . Rambo went and sniffed around inside his house for about 5 minutes , then it was time for Rambo to come in for a bath ! Well , Rambo isn 't a big bath taker when it comes to the laundry room tub ! He squealed and jumped around , but my dad got him under control , and we got all the dirt off of his nose , and also the dirt off of the bottom of his hooves ! We dried him off and rubbed some lotion on him , and he was sparkly clean ! Then after a little playtime and some supper , Rambo was off to bed after a big day rooting in his pen ! - oboe . chick Yesterday , we went to get Rambo . I put his carrier we would bring him home in together , and put newspapers in the bottom for accidents . We got to the farm where we would pick him up , and got information on the different things he liked to do , like where he liked to be scratched ( on Rambo it is his ears . ) We learned how much food he would eat , and learned how to clean out his ears . Rambo was the second to the last pig left , his brother , Rosco was left , he was separated from Rambo though . Rambo is a black pig with a white stripe down his forehead . We got Rambo in his carrier easily , but had a few accidents on the way . ( It is good to have newspapers . ) When we got home , we introduced him to our cats : Carmel and Mitzi . Although , they were a little wary of him . Which is what you would expect from cats , Carmel 's hair stood on end and her tail became a whole lot bushier ! So after we got his dishes and litter box set up , we gave him his food . 1 / 2 a cup of Mazuri potbelly pig food , and 1 / 8 cup of grain . He gobbled that up quickly ! After feeding time , we played with him and held him for about an hour and a half , then it was off to bed ! Rambo settled in quite nicely to his silk and fleece blankets , and fell asleep instantly ! - oboe . chick Today , I went to the thrift store and found a fleecy blanket , a silky blanket , and a toy for Rambo to play with . Tomorrow is the BIG day to go and pick him up ! I am pretty excited , although my mom is a little leery about it . I will post another entry about the car ride home , and his first day here tomorrow . - oboe . chick I 'm a High school student , and I enjoy hanging out with my friends and family . I love reading , and I have also started taking an interest in photography ! I have a potbellied pig named , Rambo and you can check out his blog at : rockinrambo . blogspot . com |
Days , Life , DreamsMy life , family , work , and everything inbetween . All posts tagged vacation Back to School - Finally ! ! After 2 weeks of holidays , it is Monday morning and back to school . As usually happens during a holiday , we were all on a rather late schedule , with the kids going to bed as late as 10 or 11 p . m . and not getting up before 9 a . m . , so moving up to our school schedule does take some adjusting . I did have them in bed by 9 but they didn 't sleep ' till almost midnight ( Logan and Lila , that is . Scarlett slept on time . ) So getting them up at 7 : 30 was not so easy . I managed to make it up by 6 : 30 and get in a half hour walk . I 've gotta get more exercise , but I 've come to realise that a little is better than none , and I feel better . It wakes me up , too , and I 'd rather be awake before the kids get up than have them wake me ( like was happening these past 2 weeks ) and be groggy and not able to focus while they beg for food , milk and t . v . Our t . v . is super old . We got it from some friends who had it for I don 't know how many years , and I think it may have been used when they got it . Just around the time we decided to move , it started acting up . Turning it on most days requires banging it and turning it on and off until it connects with the set top box . The remote is fiesty too . So imagine being woken and the first request is " Mommy , can you put the t . v . on ? " Oh , and even if daddy was up and sitting in the living room reading the newspaper , Logan still wanted me to do it . I tried sending him to daddy but he says , " No , only you do it . " So now my mornings are slightly more peaceful , except for the crying of a certain someone who wants to be carried as soon as the others leave . She follows me around begging me to pick her up while I try to get the house clean . What ever happened to the days when she would play quietly on her own ? Now to plan my next big project : Logan and Scarlett 's birthdays . Scarlett is easy - she wants a butterfly cake and doesn 't care about gifts yet . I think I 'll get her a doll , if I can find a good one . The one I got Lila is already falling apart from so much love . It wasn 't as sturdy as I thought . Good thing Lila isn 't attached to it ' cause it won 't be coming to Canada with us . ( They already know no broken toys are coming and they have each picked out their one or two favorite cuddle toys to keep . ) Logan had to go and make it hard for me by not being able to make up his mind about his cake . As you know , he is into animals of all kinds , so first he wanted another farm cake , then a bear , butterfly , Noah 's Ark , back to farm , and we left off on a water animals cake . I 'm still stuck as to what to make . I offered to make a cow , as in an actual cow cake and not one with the cow drawn like last year , but he doesn 't want that . And of course the only gift he wants is more plastic animals . Now to make up my own mind about what to make . Filling My Senses One of the kids favorite of bedtime routines is dancing with daddy before sleep . He puts on some slow bedtime songs , things like " Twinkle , Twinkle Little Star " and such . But his favorite song to play is " You Fill Up My Senses " by John Denver . It is such a beautiful song ; if you have never heard it , you 're missing something . This song always brings back to me the memory of our first vacation as a couple . Well , okay , as a family , since Logan was there , but he was only 4 months old . We were staying in a small resort in Goa . Every night at dinner a guy ( who could barely be called a musician since he could hardly play and definitely couldn 't sing ) would play the guitar and sing for us . That was our nightly " entertainment " . Because the food was served buffet style , I didn 't pay any attention the night Glad got up from the table . I figured he was after more food so I turned my attention to Logan , who was fussing . As soon as I stood up I heard , " Sit down , honey " , and there he was , guitar in hand , trying his best to figure out the cords to the song . Glad had gotten up to borrow the guitar from the guy so he could play me a song in front of all those people , mostly old couples . He fumbled through the cords in the first verse , probably out of nervousness , but then by the second verse he got it and sang so everyone there could hear . ( He has a great voice , by the way . ) Afterward he got a round of applause and I was left with a memory I will always cherish . Vacation 2010 - Here it is ! It 's been 2 years since we last had a vacation . In 2008 we went to Goa for 10 days ( if I remember correctly ) . Logan was only 4 months old so it was fairly relaxing and we didn 't have to do too much as far as his care went . Last year I was too pregnant to go anywhere for vacation so we just sort of relaxed at home . So this year we were ready . We had to go somewhere - get out of the house and relax ( well , relax as much as is possible with two active children ) . Our original plan was to go to Goa again , mainly because a number of people we know were going to be there at the same time . But as we added up our finances and realised what another long train journey with the kids would mean , we decided to look for something closer to home . Besides , Chennai is on the coast . There is lots of beach around if we want it . So we ended up going to a place not too far outside of Chennai . From our house the drive was about 1 1 / 2 hours . We stayed in a small but nice hotel that was situated right on the beach . Ok , so I 'm going to divided this up by days ( to the best of my memory ) . Since I have such a large selection of photos to show you , I have put them in albums . Just click on the picture below and you can see the slideshow . Enjoy ! Day 1 : We left around 12 noon for the hotel . Both children fell asleep almost immediately so we had a quiet drive down . Drove to a place called Mahabalipuram . ( Don 't feel bad if you can 't pronounce it . I had a tough time at first too . ) We checked in to the hotel , only to find that the room we had reserved was still occupied by some guys who were too drunk to know what was happening around them . They gave us a temporary room so we could at least have a place to wait . We had lunch and relaxed a little , then went for a swim . This was Lila 's first time in a pool . At first she was ok with it , but after a short while she wanted nothing to do with it . She held me tight and wouldn 't even kick her legs or splash like she does in the tub . I think she realised that not being able to touch the bottom is scary , even if mommy is holding you . Logan , on the other hand , took to it right away . It had been about a year since he last went in a pool , and he hadn 't liked it much that time , but this time , with the aid of some water wings , he had a great time . The first day he swam all over but the next few times he just kind of floated in the water and took it easy . After swimming we moved to our room and got set up . Then we went out for dinner . We found a small restaurant on the beach and ate there . Glad loves his seafood so he was happy to be able to eat lots of his favorites on this trip . I 'm not so fond of it so I stuck to pasta as much as I could . That night the children went to bed quiokly , tired from the day , but I stayed up for a while and read " King Solomon 's Mines " . Interesting , but not as much mystery as I had hoped for . Day 2 : We ate all our breakfasts at the hotel restaurant , so would go there each morning as soon as the kids were up and dressed , usually by 9 a . m . Then back to the room to decide what to do that day . It was hot , not terribly hot but hot enough that Glad preferred to stay in the room in the aircon and watch cricket . I prefer to get out even if it is hot cause I have to do something . But this morning we stayed in for a while , then went swimming . After lunch the children napped and I finished reading " King Solomon 's Mines " . When they woke up we took them to the beach . This was the only time we ventured to the beach and you will see why . The first thing Lila did while there was eat the sand . She shoved a handful into her mouth and wouldn 't take it out β¦ and she kept eating it . Logan and daddy played cricket for a while , then they went in the water . Daddy decided to take Lila in the water and did she get mad . She screamed and freaked out and came to me , not looking back . After she calmed down he took her in again and the same thing happened . After that she refused to even look at him , much less go to him . She is still not comfortable in the water . Glad tried building sand castles with Logan , but every time he got one bucketful of sand to stand up , Logan would smash it . He gave up after a short time , and I don 't think I was ever happier to leave the beach . Day 3 : Today I went out shopping while the kids slept . I always like to pick up a little something from wherever we are staying as a reminder of the place , but I like it to be useful . I looked in many places but only bought two silk scarves . Got a good deal on them though . They will go nicely with my formal tops . Logan wasn 't feeling too well today . I think he had too much activity yesterday . He went down for his nap much earlier than usual , before lunch . Later we discovered a sort of inflamed rash on his abdominal area . We have no idea how he got it or what the cause is . He finds it very itchy . In the afternoon we went out for ice cream . You can see in the pictures the progression of Logan 's . He only licks it with the tip of his tongue , hardly getting any on it , and most of it melted on his pants , but he enjoyed it . I also picked up a herbal antiseptic cream to put on his rash . I hope it works . Tonight we ate at a different restaurant . It was small but very busy . We had a table right on the sidewalk . I finally got smart and took Lila to meals in the stroller so that I didn 't have to hold her . The best thing about a restaurant is each person can get the food they want . So tonight we went all out . Logan had chicken and fries , Glad had his favorite fish curry , and I had spagettie bologness . Lila had a little bit of everything . Day 4 : Today Glad was determined to stay in the room and watch cricket . For those of you who aren 't cricket buffs , this was the day that his favorite player , Sachin Tendulkar , scored 200 runs in the game in one shot . I am not a cricket fan , but I think that if you love your husband , you will at least familiarise yourself with his favorite game and players . Apparently this game had historical relevance and it was in the newspapers for days afterwards . I didn 't want to stay in the room all day so we decided that Logan would stay with Glad and I would go out with Lila . I wanted to check out a park I had heard of that was full of rock carvings and sculptures . I 'm not normally into this kind of stuff , but I found it very interesting . Most of the temples were all carved from one rock , except for the biggest one , which was pieced together from several large rocks . You can see in the pictures what they look like . I also found steps cut from rocks that were just lying around . It wasn 't easy getting around this place with the stroller and my high heels but I was determined to see it all . Had I known I would be mountain climbing I would have worn other shoes so don 't blame me for wanting to look fancy . I would have preferred running shoes . One of the main attractions of the park is a large rock that is perched on a much larger rock . It is perfectly balanced , so much so that even hooking 8 elephants up to it didn 't budge it . The top half of the rock is cut off , but even then , it is a sight to behold . The locals have named it " Krishna 's Butterball " . Another attraction was the lighthouse . There was a long walkway up to it and I carried the stroller up the stairs , hoping for a look inside but it was closed up . After that I think I only saw one or two other carved temples and then I left . Lila napped most of the time so I was free to look at things , but I did have to carry the stroller over rocks and in areas that weren 't made for a stroller to go . Along one side of the park were lots of stone masons who sold small replicas of the statues in the park , and most of the Hindu gods for anyone who was interested . I wasn 't . I did pick up some earrings made of seashell . I usually get a pair on vacation . They are cheap , and last until the shell gets broken by me carelessly tossing them in my jewelry box . I also bought Lila a pink straw hat with a big flower on it . There was a time when I used to love to wear things like that . Now you couldn 't pay me to wear them but I think my baby looks adorable in such girly things . On the way home the hat blew out of the stroller and I didn 't notice until I got back to the room . I wasn 't happy with that so I left Lila with Glad and went out to look for it . I found it with someone at the end of the street and happily brought it back . By this time the camera was full of pictures , so I emptied it . That afternoon we went to the grassy area above the beach so I could relax in the hammock and Logan and daddy could play cricket together . Then we swam again . Lila is finally warming up to the water and enjoyed it more today . She didn 't freak out like before . That night we tried a different restaurant . It was a failure from the start as we were there for at least an hour waiting for our food , as was each other person there . We finally found out they only had one cook on duty that night . I think they lost a lot of customers because of that . One good thing that happened while waiting is Logan said a few new words . To pass the time and distract the kids while they were waiting , we watched the kitten begging for food from the other tables , played games and sang their favorite songs . They both love " Twinkle , Twinkle , Little Star " . Any time it is sung you get their attention . Then at one point Logan started saying the words of the song , not the whole thing but just the part he wanted to : up above ( you know , up above the world so high ) . But when he said it , it came out more like " upabub " . He thinks it is one word . He also said the word " high " fairly well . Then he looked at the banner above the restaurant ( you could see the words printed on the other side through it ) and he recognised the letter " b " and very clearly said b . I had reviewed the phonetic alphabet with him and found that he can say most of it , but to have him indentifying letters even when backwards means he can read them well , even if he can 't say all of them or many words . I find it very encoraging and I think it won 't be long before he talks well . Day 5 : I decided I wanted Logan to see the park and sculptures for himself , not to mention the animals that were there . The grass was so nice that there were goats all over feasting on it . Logan learned to climb rocks and he had fun but also found out that rocks sitting in the sun are HOT . He climbed some rock steps by himself . I followed him up to take his picture at the top ; then I helped him down . I turned my back for one minute to check on Lila and he was back at the top . But the highlight for Logan was seeing monkeys up close . He wanted to follow and touch them but these monkeys can be dangerous . Not only are they dirty and full of germs , but also they have a nasty bite . They get away with a lot because of this . They steal food from vendors and shops , and will even enter your house if they can get away with it . For this reason we used to keep a pellet gun when I lived in Bangalore . Once shot they never came back . In the evening we went out to a very nice restaurant . A friend of a friend had invited us to sample the buffet in his 5 star resort . Who wants to turn that offer down ? The kids enjoyed it too . The bad thing was that the camera chose this moment to conk out so I have no pics of that night . Day 6 : Vacation is over . We only had to check out by noon , so I took my time packing . The camera , tempermental piece of equipment that it was , decided to work again so I got some last minute pics of the kids and hotel before leaving . I 've made it to my 100th post this year β¦ β¦ and it is also my last for the year , because tonight we are traveling to Mangalore to visit Glad 's mom . We booked our tickets late so are getting the slow train that takes 24 hours . Do you feel sorry for me yet ? I 'm gonna be on the train with my kids for 24 hours ! ! ! Better bring lots of things for Logan to do . We will be there for 5 days plus two days of travel so will be gone a total of 7 days . Don 't expect to hear from me until I get back . There is no internet in the house we will be staying in and I won 't go out to use it ( since I 'd have to take the kids along and I can 't post with Lila crying in the stroller ( oh dear , I won 't have that with me either ) and Logan running around playing with all the computers in the internet cafe ) . But I do promise to update you on everything when we get back . Now I 'm off to pack . Gotta get it done since we are leaving in a few hours . Just taking a chance to type this while the kids nap . And I 'll leave you with the pic you 've been waiting for - Lila standing by herself . Vacation Highlights Well , I finally get to sit and write about our vacation . I am only going to put the highlights as most of the 10 days were spent doing routine things - mostly things involving the care of the baby . So here we go with what we did on vacation . Glad drove some people in the car while Logan and I went with the rest by bus . We took a night bus that had beds instead of seats all along the sides . I 've never seen anything like it . The aisle was no more than a foot and a half wide and the beds were about 5 Β½ feet by 2 Β½ feet . It wasn 't very easy to sleep in as I spent most of my time hanging on and trying to not fall out of bed . The trip takes about 14 hours so most prefer it to be while they are sleeping , which in a way is good as you get something done while you are sleeping but it was hard to nurse the baby while the bus was swaying side to side . There is one portion of the road on the way to Goa that is very winding and it takes a good two to three hours to drive it . On the way back it was easier as that portion of road passed before I went to sleep and I slept better on the way back than on the way there . The beach was just a 10 minute walk away . Logan had his first experience of being on the beach . Well , he didn 't like it too much but he put up with it , mostly because of the wind and heat . Goa is extremely hot and you have to have an aircon in the room to just feel comfortable . Every time we stepped out of the room it was like walking into a sauna , the humidity was so thick . What he did enjoy was the pool . Every time we took him in , he would kick and have a great time , and he would also tire himself out enough that I would put him on a sunbed ( in the shade of course ) and let him sleep while we swam . His after - swim naps were some of his best . One highlight to remember is the night that Glad sang to me at dinner . Every night they had a " band " , a man who could hardly sing , with his guitar . So one night I 'm sitting eating . Glad had gone to get more food from the buffet and I was about to put the baby into the stroller when I heard " Sit down , Honey , I 'm going to sing for you . " So he sang for me in front of all the old couples who were there and afterwards they were all congratulating him . It was so sweet . He was nervous during the first verse so he couldn 't get the cords but kept playing anyway and got them on the second verse . Oh , you want to know what song he sang , do you ? It was " You Fill Up My Senses " . Such a beautiful song . Another highlight was going to the Saturday Night Bazaar , something they have every week . Our band was playing so we went to see them as well as do some shopping . I found a Goa shirt Logan 's size and Glad had to get him a superman shirt , so Logan did the most shopping that night . I got a nice top and Glad got some too . Then we got a whole roast chicken to take back to the hotel for dinner . This bazaar is full of all kinds of things , and not just ethnic Indian things either . There are many foreigners who go there to sell their wares . Items range from clothing to jewelry to bedding to ornaments , food and more . The big thing about it is you don 't pay the price they first give you . If you do they know you must be a dumb rich tourist who doesn 't care about the price . Everyone bargains to get the lowest price possible . It 's tricky but some people get real good at it . On our last day there we wanted to do something special so we set out to the beach and on the way met someone representing a major company here that was giving away prizes . We got a top prize so decided to walk to the hotel to claim it . On the way we met two others doing the same thing and each time we got a top prize . The last guy took us to the hotel and in order to claim the prize you had to take the tour of the property and listen to them try to sell you on their holiday package . In the end , we didn 't qualify for their packages , which we didn 't mind , but we did get the prize ( all the prizes we scratched on the cards were the same ) - paid stay at one of their hotels for up to 14 days in Goa or 7 days in Singapore . Well , we might use it , you never know . And of course , being that a beer company was hosting this , we got a large bottle of beer . This outing took most of the morning but it was something different and we did enjoy ourselves . The only nice thing about coming back to Bangalore after being in Goa is that the weather here is much cooler and not so humid . Otherwise I didn 't really look forward to coming back to work . What am I saying ? My work traveled with me . He was a very good boy for the whole trip . Actually , he loves going out in the car and seeing new places . He gets bored being in the same place for too long . Oh , one thing comes to mind . Twice I got to go shopping without the baby . Glad kept him in the hotel while I went to some nearby store to indulge in the womanly art of shopping . I think that was so sweet of him . Once the baby was sleeping and once he was awake but happy . Glad hates shopping and I think Logan does too , since the last time I took him , he gave me a hard time . He fussed and cried and I ended up buying something that didn 't fit . Oh well . And I made sure to not be gone too long ( 1 Β½ hours max . ) so the baby wouldn 't freak out when he got hungry . It felt nice to be able to shop without bouncing him and trying to get him to be quiet at the same time . Share this : EmailGoogleLinkedInFacebookPinterestLike this : Like Loading . . . 1 Comment We 're off to Goa ! In a few days we are leaving for Goa for a much needed vacation . Yippie . I don 't think I will be able to post anything while there but I will be sure to update you all when I get back . I have yet to see how much I will need to pack now that I have to pack for a baby . Usually I just take a small bag for myself , but this year I 'm thinking of taking a suitcase , a small one , but it is bigger than the bag I usually take . Logan is now getting on a better schedule . He still sleeps a lot , but when he is rested he will play on his own for a while . Like right now . He is lying down kicking his legs and babbling to himself . He responds well when you play with him , usually with a smile but sometimes even with a laugh . He doesn 't last too long on his own so I have to do this while I can and hope he doesn 't get bored too soon . He is usually in bed by 9 p . m . Not bad for a baby his age . And he will sleep for about 3 hours , then wake to nurse , and sleep soundly for the night , waking at least once to nurse . The downside to this early bedtime is that he tends to wake up at 6 : 30 a . m . Sometimes he just wakes up to nurse and goes back to sleep , but more often now he stays awake so that is my revelie for the day . But I don 't mind . I prefer that he is in bed early at night so I can have the evening free to relax or get needed things done . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I 'm not breaking any rules of confidentiality by saying that the high schools in Lowestoft aren 't some of the most successful in the county . As a result , we have a busful of pupils coming over to our school every day , whose parents have opted out of their local school . These students are very motivated to do well and the ones I 've met are delightful . And a group of girls today , in conversation , discovered that I and Weeza share names with two of them . " Where does your daughter go to school ? " another girl asked , which was so charming . I explained that my daughter is old enough to be her mother . " My mother 's 32 , she said " ( she 's 13 ) . " Ah " I said , feeling very old . " My mother 's 52 " said another girl of 13 . Then someone asked my age . I hesitated for a minute . It 's not a usual thing to ask - but they weren 't being rude , they were being friendly , I 'm not a teacher ( that would have been inappropriate ) and so I told them , 57 . They were so sweet , they assured me they would have thought anything down to 40 . " I didn 't think you were that old " said Ellie , knowing it was a two - edged remark , and laughingly friendly . We 're finally back on our internet booster , wirelessly . The router doesn 't quite have the gumption to get to both our drawing room and Al and Dilly 's house without it so , whilst we were able to use that , we had to be in the kitchen . The options on the booster website were beyond my comprehension , but I hadn 't felt able to bother Ro last week as he was really busy at work , and Dora was leaving for Thailand to visit her brother on Sunday , so I didn 't want to interrupt his weekend either . Today , however , we helped each other out . I was going to Norwich to pick up Zerlina 's present , and offered him a lift home afterwards , to save a long walk with shopping . I had a bit of a decision - wobble in the afternoon because of the weather , but the snow stopped by the time I was at my destination and hasn 't started again yet here , although apparently it has in Norwich . However , let 's start at the beginning . As so often , I was awake early and up late , and found there was a pleasing amount of snow - not enough for us to be snowed in ( this often has happened in the past ) but a decent couple of inches . So , later , when the sun began to shine through , I trotted out to build another snowman . Al had been asked to mind the shop for a couple of hours , so he left Pugsley with me . He was quite happy roaming around in the snow while I worked , but he didn 't think much of my attempt to sculpt arms . He thought I should have used sticks . It was snowing quite hard by the time I finished though , so I hastily gave him a face , took his picture and went indoors . This evening , Ro was talking me through the procedure when we got cut off - the landline phone rang a minute later so I thought it was him , but it was Weeza . Then Ro rang back on my mobile . I promised to phone Weeza back , got the internet working , phoned Al to ask him to check , phoned Weeza , then Al rang back - I needed extra ears and was about to run out of telephones . Still , all is jolly good and we are hoping to get together at the weekend . So , today - I was up first . Actually , I didn 't get up until 8 o ' clock , though I 'd been awake for a couple of hours reading . I have half a dozen books on the go on my phone , and today 's choice was Tom Sawyer . I 've read it several times already , of course , but not for a few years and I 'd rather forgotten how frightening a character Injun Joe was . There 's a Facebook meme been going around of which authors have influenced you in some way , and several of us have chosen Mark Twain amongst others ( one of mine was Saki , of course ) . When I went out , about 9 o ' clock , the wise Sage was still in bed . As I left the house I heard bantams chatting to each other about the breakfast they expected any minute . I didn 't have time to soak their bread in hot water , their usual breakfast , but I went back to get a dish of corn for them . They are all clustering together at this time of year rather than going off alone - warmth and safety , I guess . They all hurried to greet me , anyway . We hadn 't expected many people to brave church , but were surprised . On the fourth Sunday , it 's a cafΓ© - style do , with Communion first for the few who prefer the Book of Common Prayer , then coffee and bacon sandwiches , and later a very informal family service . You 'd hardly say service really . The children were decorating Christmas baubles and doing various puzzles and painting and that sort of thing . Cake and grape juice were served . I played the clarinet - not in a soloish way , but to lead the singing . Several friends of about my age turned up sans any children , and the youngsters ranged from babies to teenagers . All very sociable and seemed to be enjoyed , I played the last verse very fast ( this was appropriate , it was that sort of song ) and was applauded good - naturedly . We were in the church rooms , but we 'll be in the church next week so I turned up and on the heating , to check it was effective , and set the timer for the Christingle service and for next Sunday . Neither of the churchwardens have mastered the timer yet , so I 'm still doing it , This afternoon , I was playing Scrabble on my phone ( the phone was the opponent ) and went into the kitchen to think what to cook for dinner . When I looked at my phone , it had turned itself off - which is normal , it does so if not used for a few minutes . However , it didn 't come back on when I pressed the button . Deeply alarmed , I pressed the main button - nothing . I was sure there was juice in the battery , but put it into the computer to recharge and it didn 't show up on iTunes . I was shocked and appalled . At this point , Weeza happened to ring up . I made polite conversation for all of two minutes before telling her my woes , and logged on to the Apple website while still talking to her to make an appointment to get it sorted out . However , first , I looked at the troubleshooting advice , which was just as well , because it soothingly explained what to do . And now all seems fine . So , a ten - minute storm in a teacup , but it made me quite anxious at the time . It was very cold overnight , but no more snow yet . I might go over to Norwich tomorrow , to buy Zerlina 's Christmas present . Most other things will be bought online or in Yagnub or Selcceb . Possibly Notselrah , but that 's harder to pronounce . Well , there was enough snow for me to build a snowman . A little one , admittedly , because I didn 't get around to it until the afternoon , by which time the sun had been shining and some of it had thawed . If we get more snow , I 'll build a bigger one . Al and the children built one too - Al being the smart one of the family , he managed to get arms to stay on . In fact , it was good building snow , sticking together well and not too powdery . I 'd quite forgotten , by the way , that I never wrote final " bringing on the wall " posts - if you read Dave 's blog , you 'll know that he and the Sage put in a couple of final sessions at the start of this month to finish it off . They finished exactly four weeks ago and ended with a celebratory bonfire and fireworks , it also being Bonfire Night weekend . My friend is still seriously ill and they hope to fly him back to hospital in this country in the next day or two . He is in intensive care , but they have not been able to diagnose what the cause of the problem is yet . Very worrying and we feel for his wife too , living in a hotel so far from home . His daughters have flown out to be with them ; one of them has a paraplegic husband and a young baby , but the husband has to have full - time carers so it 's not as difficult as leaving an invalid usually would be , in practical terms anyway . You 'll want snowman photos , of course . Here you are - it was a brighter afternoon than these show , but I took them on my phone , which is always a bit dark . There are a couple of pictures of the wall too . As you see , not much snow was left by 2 o ' clock this afternoon . But we can still hope ! I 'm still doing the rota . It 's a bit difficult , because the person who 's ill - he 's my fellow organist , and his wife also reads lessons , makes coffee and will be sidesman if necessary - I 've eased their burden for the next few months , but I don 't want to leave them off altogether in case it makes them feel sidelined . But if he 's fine and wants to do more , he can always take some of the jobs I 've put myself down for in their place . Today was Founder 's Day . The school was founded in 1565 which is rather splendid , because they 've celebrated Founder 's Day ever since . Whole lots of Old Boys turn up , though not as many as usual because of the snowy weather and several cried off . I don 't know at what point you 're invited , most of them are knocking on a bit . They included a previous Head , Deputy Head , two other teachers and someone whom I really tried to persuade to be a governor but haven 't managed yet . He 's so excellent that he 's in demand elsewhere , I do understand - what a handicap being nice is . Anyway , I was clearing snow off the windscreen at 8 . 30 this morning to go to the special assembly , and returned for lunch with the Old Boys ( and girls ) . I was meeting the Head later , so browsed in the library for a while and made notes of a book I 'd like to give someone . He came for me while I was jotting the name on my phone and was amused . He and I think the same way about a lot of things , professionally - we do chat about the odd family matter , but tend to keep to school matters most of the time - it is such a pleasure to work with someone where there 's mutual respect and liking . I think that confidence has a lot to do with it . If you are secure in your self - awareness , you will not feel threatened by someone who is good and ambitious , but encourage them . If you have any insecurity yourself , you might not give credit where it 's due or try to squash initiative . I find this sort of thing very hard to work with , and there is no question of it here . Very much the opposite , which means there is a strong and ambitious team who aren 't afraid to come up with ideas and who will be given resources to carry them out if they put up a convincing case . The school motto , by the way , is so hard to translate that an explanation has to be given with it . Excuse the disguise , but I am easy enough to identify without giving the game away to the idle googler . I 've been working on the rota in between writing . It 's so dull that I have to give myself little treats every so often . But it 's done now . I 'll email it out and watch a DVD before bed . I had finally , after six years , got rid of the church rota . But now the chap who has taken over the job is ill , and in hospital on holiday , which is worse , so I 've said I 'll do the next one . And of course I couldn 't possibly mind , he and his wife are kind and helpful and completely took over all my duties while I was out of action last winter . The photos didn 't get taken today . The IT boys couldn 't get the camera to work . Heh . No , we were all really nice about it . Snow fell in Norwich and on Dave early in the morning , and on Somerleyton and maybe other places around here , but didn 't arrive in these parts until late morning , briefly , and then the sun shone . Snow returned later , however . It was quite thick on the car when I left the meeting just before 5 . I had to go to the supermarket , then for petrol , and every time I opened the car door more snow fell on me from the roof . I was ever so glad I hadn 't gone on my bike ( because I needed petrol ) because it was slushy and slippery on the way home and I would have been afraid to bike it , with a porcelain hip . It 's true , I 'm more nervous of falling heavily than I ever was . I could shatter . The Sage took my and his tax stuff to the accountant this morning . Dave will say this is months late , but it 's in plenty of time . This evening , I asked if he 'd said how much I was likely to owe ( I paid tax for the first time evah last year ) . The Sage said not , he 'll write . " There 's plenty of money in the TSB " he said reassuringly . " It 's all right , I 've been saving up " I said , not without a hint of resourceful pride . " So have I " he said , evidently not having had a lot of reliance on my forethought . He just came in the room . " What do you want for Christmas ? " I asked . " Ooh , what gadget do I want ? " he said . And then decided he was fairly gadgetted up for now . He 's thinking about it . He didn 't return the question , which might mean he 's already decided or , more likely , that he won 't think about it until he panics in four weeks ' time . Actually , both of us are a bit too independent , if we really want something we buy it rather than mark it to be asked for . Since we 're both pretty frugal , day to day , this rarely happens though , the shopping , I mean . Though I couldn 't be doing with a husband who looked askance when I did buy something . If I come home with something new , he 's really pleased . We encourage each other to be frivolous . Friends of ours moved house back in the summer - he is a good friend of mine in particular , and had asked me to drop in any time I was passing . Well , I 'm not very good at dropping in so had been diffident about it , and a few weeks ago he reminded me . Then , last month , I finally had a week with some spare time , and then I got a cold , then it was our auction , then I was on holiday , then I had a lot to catch up on - anyway , the upshot was that I finally called in today . We 'd exchanged emails the other day - he 's the one thinking about buying an iPad - and I suggested today could be The Day . I stayed for lunch and nearly for tea , I finally rolled home at 4 o ' clock . The Sage had been out and phoned to find out where I was and to say he was going out again - I haven 't seen him since he kindly brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning ( you see , Roses , it does sometimes happen ) . It 's a lovely house , though quite awkward , having a lot of steps between rooms , for someone who has rheumatoid arthritis and walks with a stick , but I can quite see why they loved it . It is situated on the edge of the town , so it 's got the river running by the garden , you can see the road from the front but people can 't look in and no one can see into the delightful garden at all . The lovely deli and wholefood shop , and the post office , are within 20 yards but you don 't feel you 're in the town at all . In addition , it 's Georgian and very attractive . Not entirely practical , but I see no reason to be overly sensible either . So , that 's about all I 've done today . It was only 4 when I got home , as I said , but the evening had already started because it was starting to drizzle and the light was failing . Can 't wait for the government to drop GMT . I will feel as though I 've gained an hour in every winter day . Got a bit of a problem with the wifi . That is , it suddenly locked us out . Since the Sage and Al need the internet constantly for eBay ( well , I exaggerate , but the Sage isn 't quite happy unless he has his evening fix , and Al had stuff he was selling that finished last night ) they weren 't pleased . Since , among us , my poor knowledge is the best going , it turned into my responsibility . I 've fixed it up to an extent , but will need more advice from Ro before we 're going properly . As it is , we are all using our computers in the kitchen . The complexity of school governor stuff is increasing . And likely to increase more . Ho hum . Still , I daresay it 'll be interesting . A governors ' meeting on Thursday and we 're having our photos taken . Such is the paranoia about safeguarding that now everyone has to have photo id . Pity . I 'm rather attached to my present name badge , which has a little Happy Face sticker on it , courtesy of my friend Caroline who is a teaching assistant there . Still , I 'll bear the experience with good nature , if not good cheer . I 'm not too fond of having a photo taken of me . Why is it , by the way , that ' official ' photos , for passports and suchlike , are always so dreadful ? In my passport , I look terrified . On the Sage 's driving licence , he looks frightening . I 've never seen a good one yet . The really depressing thing is that they are actually accepted as a likeness . I overslept . I switched the light off around 1 , woke around 7 , slept again and was woken up by the phone ringing at 9 . 30 . So it 's fair to say I caught up on some sleep . It left me in a hurry to get going , but I arrived at the funeral in Oulton Broad with more than half an hour in hand . All the same , I was too late to sit in the church and had to go into the connecting hall , where there was a video link . It was standing room in there by the time the service started , there must have been 400 or 500 people there altogether . It seems so sad that it 's a mark of how much people think of you , that they can only show it at the last by coming to your funeral . The Sage got back after a successful trip this afternoon . So things are right around here again . I shall go and cuddle him appreciatively when I 've written this . A friend is considering buying an iPad . He has suggested I go with him to try one out . What a good idea . I don 't know quite what he wants out of it , but that 's up to those nice people at the Apple store to discuss with him . I 'm quite happy just to have fun . As usual . I was writing to a friend and didn 't notice the time . It 's nearly midnight . I 'll have to adjust the time to make this Sunday 's post . Last night , I didn 't sleep . I whinged gently on Facebook every hour or so , and eventually got up to make tea and fetch my phone recharger , because I 'd been using it for so long I 'd run the battery down . Usually , reading on the phone sends me off to sleep quite quickly , but not this time . Eventually at about 4 . 30 , I put some music on and managed to drift off for 3 hours . So I confidently expect a sound night 's sleep tonight . I went up to put the electric blanket on an hour ago so I won 't have cold feet to keep me awake . All quiet here , not a lot to say . The chickens all came running when I took their breakfast out and again for lunch ( bread and maize respectively - they also have a feeder filled with wheat grains in their run ) . This afternoon , I went out to shut up the henhouse when it was getting to dusk - a fox has been seen on the field so we 're being careful . Most of the chickens roost in trees , we think they are safer that way so don 't clip their wings , but a few like to sleep in the henhouse . I came back in and there seemed no good reason not to just lock the door and settle down for the evening . No dog to let out or take for a walk last thing . When I went out at 8 , several bantams were strolling about on the drive so I knew all was well there . Not too busy a week coming up . A funeral in Lowesoft tomorrow , then nothing in the diary until Thursday and Friday , both school things . I wonder if I 'll manage to get something productive done instead of just faffing about . I usually faff , to be honest . I 've just realised there are a couple more emails I meant to write - Weeza , the Sage and Wink have all been on the phone chatting to me this evening , I haven 't got everything done . Tomorrow morning will be good enough though . Really is time for bed now . We both slept really well last night . When I previously changed the bedclothes I was busy , so simply changed the bottom sheet and swapped duvet and pillows with the spare room bed , all being the same size and all . I swapped again this time ( having made the bed up in the meantime , obviously ) and , evidently , that duvet is just a little bit thicker - so we were really warm and comfortable . So this is the one to stay with for the winter . Al and Dilly invited me in to dinner , I took a started and an unstarted bottle of wine , so we made merry . I lit the fire before I went so there was a cheerful blaze to return to . I 've lit candles too , so as not to feel lonely . When I 've finished this , I 'll start on the DVDs - the too - loud music ( not very loud actually , I care for my ears ! ) is on now . The Hold Steady and J Roddy Walston . Oh yes , Julie formerly from Athens leads me astray . BTW , Julie , Ro has a ticket for Hold Steady in February when they 'll be in Norwich ( thanks to me , I told him they were coming ) - I asked him how long he 's been listening to them and it 's been longer than I have , and you put me on to them ; evidently you and he would get on well musically . So , today - no , not a lot to report . I went supermarket shopping because I had a voucher ( Β£ 7 off Β£ 60 ) so bought some wine as I didn 't need that much in groceries . Misty and dull , but mild . Squiffany and Pugsley are staying with Dilly 's parents and were going to see the Christmas lights in Norwich this evening , they were very excited at the treat . Squiff and Nanny were going to watch Strictly this evening . I 've never seen it . More likely to watch I 'm a Celebrity , actually . Not that I am . It 's still swearing and violence for me . I mean , you only have to look at me . It 's obvious . So , either I waffle on generally about my fairly uneventful day , or I reminisce or I go off on one , in the more vulgar parlance ( how is it that parlance always follows vulgar ? ) - which last I did this evening , only to find it was the dullest option of all . Because , who cares , hey ? No darlings , it 's still quiet . But it seems to be a week of sadness . My friend Val 's sister has died , and so has my friend George 's brother . The first expected , the second a sudden shock . Val 's latest granddaughter is being christened tomorrow - Russian Orthodox - so it 's a strange set of emotions for her . I bought myself aniseed balls . Well , you have to do something , don 't you ? And I like old - fashioned sweets , liquorice , aniseed , sherbet and so on . And I cooked a particularly nice dinner - albeit with leftovers . We 're still eating last Sunday 's chicken . I think I 'll be eating it all weekend , as the Sage is off again . He 's going on a china picking - up trip and will be away from tomorrow ( Saturday ) to Monday . I shall play loud music and watch too many DVDs and go to sleep cuddling a pillow . Ooh , talking about sleep , we were a bit fitful last night . By the time we were ready , it was about 1 am and I couldn 't , so played Scrabble on the phone , which isn 't a brilliant idea at that time as you forget your two - letter words . We both kept waking each other up and I was awake from 4 anyway , and when I was ready to get up a couple of hours later , the Sage put his comforting arm around me , so of course we both fell asleep . Then I woke again so played poker , and finally he woke up , looked at the clock , said " 9 . 15 - heh ! " and went straight back to sleep . I exhaust him , darlings , I can 't deny it . But it 's absolutely worth it . I mean , you only have to look at him . I was playing the organ for a funeral this afternoon and ran through the hymns , which was fine , and then started to practise the voluntaries , and found that one of the keys was sticking , an E . Which was a bit of a nuisance . I had to keep flipping it up with a spare finger . If that occasionally happens at our own church , I can , as a last resort , work out which pipe it is and disconnect it , but these were boxed in . Fortunately , it 's a two - manual organ , so I played the other one . It was all right for the hymns as , by chance , neither of them used that note . The final voluntary was in E flat so that was all right too . The lady who had died was 85 years old and had lived in the village nearly all her life , until she moved into a retirement bungalow after her husband died , two years ago . She 'd married a local man , and some of their friends had known them since schooldays . I don 't think that would be the case with many people now . One of the things that other smartphones are , apparently , better at than iPhones are notifications . It 's set up for one email address but , like many people , I have several . The other day , I read about an app that does it all for you , so I downloaded it , and started to set it up - Facebook messages came through quickly ( I have Facebook on the phone too , but it doesn 't notify me that regularly ) but when I put on an email account , the promised email to confirm didn 't arrive . Eventually , I discovered ( ahem ) that I 'd mistyped the address . I 'd put ( actually , this is a bit embarrassing ) gmali . And there didn 't seem to be any way to change it . I even went on the website and it seems that no one else has done this silly a thing - though mind you , lots of people change their emails , so there should be provision . I 've sorted it out , I deleted the app , reinstalled it and set the whole thing up again , correctly . So now it works nicely and will save me checking several little - used emails every day . I have to say , having this phone really keeps me away from the computer , it 's brilliant . I used to check things and , having sat down , stayed there for a while . Now , I leave it alone unless I 've got work to do . It 's the reason posts are written late at night , mostly . And occasionally from my bed , when I realise at the last that I 've forgotten about it . Not that I feel I * have * to write something every day of course , you understand . Or maybe I do . Hm . Doesn 't the year seem to be galloping on ? Now we 're on the final slope towards its end , time has speeded up with a worrying momentum . I don 't think that going away for the first week in November helped , I left in early autumn and returned to near - winter and long to - do lists . Having said that , I 'm feeling quite good at the prospect of December , largely because I won ' 't have to make holly wreaths this year . You may remember how much I dislike this job , yet I felt obliged to do it because they were worth so much to Al . He bought the wire frame and we mostly cadged fir and holly to make the body of the wreath - that part was the Sage 's job . Al made several pounds profit on each , if you didn 't count anything for my time , which I didn 't . I sat down two or three evenings a week with an old sheet spread over the floor and worked away for two or three hours getting thoroughly prickled hands - anyway , that 's it , I don 't have to now . So I can - um - well , I can lounge around in the evenings not doing much instead , now I come to think of it . I spent all day at the school , and sat reading for half an hour while munching toast and Marmite on my return home . Gosh . How do people manage doing it full - time ? Though I suppose I did for thirteen years . I was young then , of course . Anyway , I was accosted by one of the staff , who wants me to be a Dragon . I agreed , of course , though secretly a bit daunted . I 'll rise to the occasion though , I 'm sure . The Business and Enterprise ( or whatever , I can never remember the names of everything ) group are putting together business plans as a project . Our business manager will also be on the panel . Should be fun . In music this morning , one of the four groups didn 't have anyone willing to sing - which meant that it wasn 't going as well as it might . So I became their vocalist . I know , it was absurd . Singing I Predict A Riot accompanied by five teenagers young enough to be my granddaughters . Still , I took the view that I can 't expect them to overcome inhibitions unless I 'm going to do it too . I didn 't know until recently that the popular shortening of Juliet is now Jelly . There are two in one year at the high school . I rather like it , I must say . In this afternoon 's class , there 's a Z and a Weeza , which is a first - though she prefers Ellie , inexplicably . I think Weeza ( her actual name , that is ) is lovely and she likes it too , although I do sometimes call her Ella , or Weeza of course . Although Dilly , Dora and Phil are noms de blog , my own three children are called by short versions of their actual names here . That reminds me , what is blog in other languages ? Or is it a weblog in every country ? I was so pleased with myself this afternoon , that 's the thing . I so rarely get it completely right first off . Al and Pugsley appeared at the door after lunch ; it seems that Dilly had some friends over and Al felt that the atmosphere was entirely too girly and that he and his son were , as he put it , personae non gratae . I know , darlings , I didn 't understand it either . Anyway , they came and joined me for a considerably less girly atmosphere . Al read several books to Pugsley and then P wanted to watch television ( he loves tv here , as I allow CITV , which has advertisements ) , so Al felt able to turn his attention to his laptop . I may have mentioned that Al is a governor at the village school , the same one I was governor at for 18 years and which Ro attended for 5 years . They found it hard to get rid of me , darlings . Actually , when I became chairman of governors ( because the CoG died suddenly , it was awful ) , they were going through a difficult time - anyway , a few months later , we appointed a new headteacher . The choice wasn 't a unanimous decision , and she knows that so I can say it , but I will also say that it was a superb decision and I was instrumental in it happening . A cautious person by inclination , I 'm not afraid to follow my instincts when it 's time to be bold . This was 8 years ago and she has been brilliant in sometimes difficult circumstances ( coincidental serious staff illnesses , that was awful too , because not all of them survived ) . Now she 's moving to a different part of the country and a new job . So , various governors have been asked to write each part of the information pack to applicants , and Al was asked to write the part about the locality . He agreed and came promptly to me for advice , wise boy . I ( ' scuse the caps ) WENT STRAIGHT INTO THE STUDY , TOOK DOWN A FILE AND FOUND THE INFO FROM 8 YEARS AGO . Just like that . I haven 't been a governor there for 4 1 / 2 years , I 've destroyed nearly everything , but I still had this and I knew where to look . Remarkable , hey ? Anyway , some of it is out of date , but at least it gives Al something to base his piece on . The second thing I 've already mentioned on Facebook is the phone call I had this morning from someone called Kate who wanted the Sage to ring her back , from the Viron Licencing Dept . I asked her to repeat it twice , I didn 't understand , and I could only write it down phonetically . The Sage was puzzled for a minute . Then his face cleared . " Firearm " , he said . " It 's about my firearm certificate . " Oh . Tonight , I had governors training on Safeguarding Children , which is a main OFSTED focus this year . Next September , it 'll be dead in the water but right now if you haven 't ticked all the boxes you 'll fail . Actually , we do tick nearly all the boxes and have an action plan ( sorry ) for the rest but I need to keep up to date on things and haven 't been trained for about 4 years . I wisely prepared a delicious fish pie before I went out . I was glad of nice food when I slunk back at 9 . 45 . And a couple of glasses of wine . Ro and Dora came over for dinner today . She and her sister are going to Thailand in a fortnight , to visit their brother and his other half , who are expecting a baby in the New Year . She confidently expects Ro to miss her horribly , and I 'm sure he will , except for the weekend when he 's visiting Zain in London . I promised to lend him my Oyster card and then we forgot . D ' oh . I 'll put it in the post , if we won 't be meeting before then . I had an unscheduled stint at the early service this morning . The person who was down to be sidesman has a frozen shoulder ; he had to help shift a dead body the other day and was obliged to take the weight on his wrists as he couldn 't use the strength of his upper arms and , yesterday , found that his hands swelled up . He and his wife were due to go on holiday tonight , so yesterday were trying to get a doctor 's advice on whether it was okay to go . I hope so , the profession of undertaker is a demanding one and they need a break . Anyway , I was searching for my key at 7 . 30 this morning . I had last seen it , that I remembered , before I went away when I was sorting out my handbag . Having looked in all the likely places , I decided it might be in another bag , which I couldn 't find . In the end , just as I thought I was going to have to give up and call on someone else with a key ( who would be up , I 'm not that inconsiderate ) , I found the bag and therefore the key . I also found Β£ 100 which I had squirrelled away and forgotten where . It wasn 't lost , you understand , I just hadn 't found it again yet . I had another visit to church later of course , for the Remembrance Sunday service . I shall never not be struck by the recital of the names of 25 men from this little village who lost their lives in the Great War . It still shocks . And another of our three linked villages lost 4 from the same family . I had several vivid dreams last night - or , at any rate , I remembered them , which is rarely the case . Don 't worry , I won 't tell you all about them , just one thing . At one point I was brought a cup of coffee and didn 't drink it for a while . When I took a sip , it was stone cold . I remember being surprised that it was completely cold already , not just lukewarm , and I could clearly taste the coffee , which I also could see was black - but black as a specific shade , not black and white . So I dream in colour , taste and temperature . Which maybe I 've always known and had forgotten . There was something I was going to tell you , but which I can 't think of at present . I daresay it will come back to me . In the meantime , a few other random snaps of Malta . I bought some Montezuma giant chocolate buttons . Zerlina was most impressed . She came and stood beside me several times , being very affectionate in a hopeful sort of way and kissing me lovingly before asking if there was any chance I might be considering opening Granny 's tin . It got me every time . I 'm afraid my reputation as a soft touch will take a while to live down . She also hoped I 'd notice and remark upon her appearance . She touched her fringe faux - casually and tossed her pigtails , and glanced down at her striped wool dress . Each time I complimented her , her face lit up happily . She still has an afternoon nap , something which her mother strenuously encourages . She loves her nap and now has graduated to a full - sized single bed in our smallest bedroom . When she woke , I went to fetch her . " Look , I 'm in a big girl 's bed " were her first words . We walked downstairs , holding hands , and she showed me the cars decorating her socks ( not actual cars , darlings , they were part of the pattern ) . I woke to the sound of rain and wind against the window , and was in no hurry to get up . I thought of Al , who normally would be getting the shop ready at that time . I 've done it myself in the winter , they used to go on holiday the first week in January when things were quiet and I took over . I remember one week when , every day , I had to weigh down the display as I put it out because the wind was so strong and even so , I had to hurry down the road after various baskets and cloths that had blown away . I also remember cycling against a wind so strong that , in quite a slight upward incline , I had to get off and walk . I didn 't go out all day except to pick Pugsley up from nursery school . Jo brought him to the gate for me . " Tell Granny what you have done this afternoon " she prompted . " I 've made cake ! " he announced . " Carrot cake . I love carrot cake ! " I was slightly surprised as well as pleased , because he isn 't all that keen on vegetables usually and so I 'd have thought he 'd have a prejudice against cake containing them . We were lucky with the weather , the sun came out ten minutes before I left and then the rain started again on the way home . It rained hard and turned to sleet . We sat in the car and waited for it to ease , while I showed him an app I 'd downloaded for him , and then , as it dried up , hopped indoors . Minutes later , it was bucketing down again . I 've not really got myself sorted out this week . I meant to go shopping today but changed my mind , and so actually emptied the fridge . We finished leftovers from the past couple of days for lunch , and then there was nothing left . Some milk and cheese , butter and champagne , the tail end of a jar of pesto , a tube of the children 's cheese spread and some orange and apple juice and half a jar of mayonnaise . That was it . Not a lot to base dinner on . Fortunately , I had vegetables so improvised . You can make a delicate soufflΓ© from cooked squash mixed with cheese and a couple of egg yolks with the whisked whites folded in . No flour or anything else . I seasoned it with cumin and piled it back into the squash shell - it was a largish Festival squash , that is , some 5 or so inches in diameter , plenty for two - topped it with flaked almonds and baked it again . Ro phoned to say that he and Dora will come over on Sunday , so I 've said I 'll do dinner a bit early , and Weeza and Zerlina are coming over tomorrow . It was a fortnight ago I saw them , at the auction , and we were busy then , so that will be good . I haven 't set foot in the dining room since I got back , I bet it 's cold in there . There 's no point in lighting the fire for two of us to have dinner at an 8 foot long table so we don 't use it much in the winter . Phil had a job interview last week and has been successful . He likes his present job , but it 's a long way to travel every day and takes him ages . He 'll be working in Great Yarmouth , so he 'll still be cycling and then travelling by rail , but the train journey is much shorter . The road from Acle to Yarmouth is far too dangerous to cycle . It 's nearly a year and a half since Ro moved out and the Sage and I have been living by ourselves . You might say that it was about time and you wouldn 't be wrong - of course , we had been alone before while he was at university , but that didn 't seem to count . This isn 't a large house , though it does sprawl rather - it 's a rambling cottage really , but it does seem rather big for the two of us . I mentioned the room I never go in - actually , there are several that I don 't go in much , particularly in the winter . A few weeks ago , when the family came to stay , the whole place was in use again , of course . I can 't see us ever downsizing - for a start , Al and family live here too , in the annexe . And one of the reasons I ever suggested moving here was that I couldn 't see the Sage clearing out the outbuildings . Well , since then , he 's built more and filled them too , and an extension to the house . I sometimes wonder , if I started again , what I 'd have for my own choice . I don 't believe that I 'm that bothered about having stuff , but I could be deluding myself . Certainly , I 'm rarely tempted to buy anything . The last item of furniture I bought , a couple of years ago , was a cabinet for the Sage to keep one of his collections in . That was an old one , bought from eBay . We 've hardly got any new items of furniture . The bed was bought new of course . We had the dining table made and the Sage made the kitchen table . Otherwise , apart from armchairs and the sofa , it 's all recycled . Very uninterestingly , today 's journey to London went smoothly . The train wasn 't very busy so no one sat next to me , any audible chat was not intrusive , the trains were on time and I arrived at my destination , at both ends of the underground journey , unexpectedly promptly . The meeting was fine and I put in a fair contribution of my own ideas and gained benefit from that of others and , although it rained , it didn 't while I was outside . The most notable event of the whole day was when I was standing on the Tube , a seat became empty and a young woman offered it to me rather than sitting down herself . Which was vastly kind , if a bit lowering , that I bring out the lovely in people , meaning I evidently look old and / or infirm . Anyway , I smiled and thanked her and sat down . Dave , this morning , said in his post that he empathises with fictional characters on film or in books to the extent that he identifies with them , even imagining himself as them , whether they are heroic or even deeply unpleasant . I don 't suppose he identifies with all of them , but it made me question my own reaction to people in books - and I don 't think I ever have done that . I might be very engaged with a story , deeply moved or interested by a character or situation , but it 's as an onlooker , not as a participant . In fact , thinking about it , I seem to be becoming more dispassionate if anything . I judge a book more rapidly than I used to - it doesn 't have to be badly written now , as once it did , for me to decide that I don 't care enough to finish it . I still don 't know why this is , maybe I 've just read most of my lifetime quota of books and very few excite me any more . I seem to notice the writing more than I used to - for example , in any book set in the late 19th century which involves a family , I look for the baby boy born for the sole purpose of being poignantly killed off in the first world war . Even very good writers do it - they 're manipulating my feelings , so I won 't play along . A book has to be either light enough for me not to mind or good enough for me to either overlook the devices or else become so genuinely engaged that I don 't notice them . Like in an action film where you know that several characters are going to be killed off and you entertain yourself by deciding the most likely ones . Indeed , with a lot of more ' serious ' actors , I often observe their acting more than the characters they portray . The Sage has been looking after me very well , starting with tea in bed and going on to cooking my lunch for me , having lit the fire and all . We had the children in the afternoon , as Dilly and Al had an appointment in Norwich . At seven o ' clock , I took them back home to get ready for bed , only to find that the key didn 't work - Al lost his door key a couple of months ago , changed the lock and then found it ( it had fallen from his keyring , but turned up in his van ) and thought he 'd given us a new key . Anyway , I read to them their bedtime stories until their parents arrived home . I 'll do final Wall posts as soon as I can - if you read Dave 's blog then you 'll have seen them there already . He sent me one photo of the finished structure , but it 's late now and I have to get going early tomorrow again . The Sage 's business email has been down this evening , which is a pain as I 've a quite urgent letter to get off , and I haven 't got the chap 's address except in the Sage 's account . I 'll try again first thing tomorrow , but I 've got to leave here by 7 . 30 . It was nearly 5 o ' clock when I finally got home yesterday , having reached Liverpool Street at 12 . 00 . I should have been back here two hours later , or three allowing for the notified Sunday service . This is a scheduled programme of work on the line , it 's quite remarkable that the alternative arrangements always come over as so scrappily put together . Anyway , having been unexpectedly busy with children when I 'd expected to work , and then had a long chat to Ro this evening , and not having got very much going at all this morning , I 've not got a lot of work done . I haven 't worked out my route for tomorrow yet , I 'll have to look up buses on the phone when I 'm on the train . Horrible weather , at least I didn 't have rain to cope with yesterday . Okay , let 's start with a couple of good points . There are very helpful staff to give information and they are being unfailingly patient and polite which can 't be easy when you 're being asked the same questions over and again . And I remembered a two - bar Kitkat I 'd got in my bag , so I have had some lunch . Otherwise , there is nothing good to report about British public transport . I didn 't sleep last night , a brief nap around midnight and then I lay there waiting for 5 o ' clock . We arrived at Gatwick at 10 . 30 and were on the train platform within half an hour . So far so good . I noticed that the expensive Gatwick Express is less than 5 minutes quicker than the regular train , don 't waste your money . I knew I 'd have to take a bus for part of my route , because that 's always the way on this line on Sundays ( remember , the Bod didn 't consult me before he booked the holiday , I 'd not have chosen to travel today ) . But I expected the bus either to start at Liverpool Street Station or to take a train some way and then be bussed . So I got off the Tube train , carried my suitcase up the steps ( there are very few stations that are entirely served by escalators ) and looked for the platform . No trains to Norwich . I found a notice board that said I 'd have to get on the tube again , but it wasn 't clear and I had to ask . So I ended up on the same platform I 'd left ten minutes previously and got the next tube train . I arrived at Newbury Park and lots of us hung around for a bus . It 's about 12 or 15 miles to Ingatestone , but the traffic was heavy . I arrived find I had Neely an hour to wait . Helpfully , it was suggested that I take the train in half an hour ( five minutes from now ) to Ipswich , where at least there 's a coffee shop and I can pick up the train to Norwich half an hour after that . I 'll let you know when I get home . Sorry for mistakes , you can 't see what you 're writing when it 's a long post from the phone . I was awake early this morning , too early for Wink , so caught up with some blog - reading , and found that Boy On Top had updated after two years of silence . I meant to write a post a couple of weeks ago on those whose blogs I used to read and who don 't update any longer ( and then something more topical came up to write about ) and he was one of my favourites , so I was glad to hear from him again . We had a splendid last day , with a thoroughly touristy boat trip round the harbours and then we went off to Naxxar to the palazzo there and had lunch . Afterwards , feeling cheerful , I looked around and bought myself a necklace - I 'm afraid I can 't load a photo from my phone ( or at least , I don 't know how ) but you may have seen it on Facebook . To put things into perspective , it cost less than three of their cakes of soap . But I did just spend β¬ 82 on myself on a whim . Still . I hear that Dave was persuaded to stay for fireworks and supper this evening , which is jolly good . Any party would be enhanced by Dave 's company . Zerlina has gone to bed in a full - sized single bed and is very pleased with herself . I have set my alarm for 5 o ' clock tomorrow morning . Our flight is at 8 . 30 . Saturday is our last day here . We 're leaving the hotel early on Sunday morning , as our flight is about 8 . 30 . I 've been phoning the Sage every evening , and things seem to be fine at home . He and Dave have nearly finished the wall , there are pictures at Dave 's place today and it looks wonderful . They 're planning another session tomorrow , weather permitting . Bod 's mum is getting on well , although progress is slow . She is 89 , in good health until she fell and broke bones a month ago , which is the reason the Bod isn 't with us . There 's no actual reason why she can 't be left , as he will be needed much more when she leaves hospital , but she asked him not to go and so of course he didn 't . We have very much enjoyed our week here . It 's good to spend time together , of course , for one thing and this is a lovely place . We have got about on foot or by bus and I 've thought many times how lucky I am to have my new hip working so well . A lady in her seventies struggled to get on the bus today , it was an old one with a high step . A kind young man supported her and helped her up . I realised that , a year ago , I could not have managed that step . There would have been no point in even trying . We 've been in Valletta today doing the history thing . The war museum is very good actually , with a well - written narrative on the 20th century history of Malta and particular focus on the last war . It was very moving in fact , particularly a video of street scenes taken by a gunner , whose name was Stan Fraser I think ( should have written it down ) which showed the devastation caused by the bombing and the fortitude of the Maltese more eloquently than any words . The George Cross given to all the islanders in 1942 is on display there . We walked round the Grand Harbour - the Sage has a painting of a storm scene in Valletta Harbour , painted by Beechey in 1865 or thereabouts and he wanted me to identify where it was painted . Not very easy , especially as I haven 't looked at the painting for several years . It 's too large to hang in any of our rooms , used to be on the stairs but when it was taken down for some reason we couldn 't hang it again without help . It 's been in the room I never go in ever since . I 'd like to go in there , but the Sage has filled it . It 's unusable . It was last used more than five years ago . Anyway , I found the most likely place and took photos , but it could be the harbour the other side of Valletta . I 'll have a look there on Saturday . Tomorrow , we 're planning to head south and see if we can find the restaurant recommended by Sarah . Today we went to Mdina , which was absolutely delightful . I can imagine living there . Actually , now I come to think of it , I like walled towns . I 'm trying to think of one in Spain that I liked very much - one of you will tell me , I visited it on the same day I went to Segovia . . . which I also loved , I 'd have liked to spend more time there . Gratifyingly , the Sage says he 's missing me . He even used the L word yesterday . So I should think . Last night I slept well , at last , after three nights of very little sleep at all . Thank goodness for that - I was starting to think that I 'd arrive home more tired that I left and in need of another holiday . And now , if you 'll excuse me , I think I 'll have a little mid - afternoon nap . Don 't work too hard , will you , darlings . It would be such a pity if you started to make me feel guilty . Excuse me being less than reliable about replying to comments . It 's all just a bit more fiddly on this little screen . I 'm reading them of course , and thank you . I 've been to the Armoury , Mike and Ann . And I 've written you a postcard , Dave . Haven 't actually posted it but the thought was there . Hope you 're all being very good without me to keep an eye on you . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
I 'm not breaking any rules of confidentiality by saying that the high schools in Lowestoft aren 't some of the most successful in the county . As a result , we have a busful of pupils coming over to our school every day , whose parents have opted out of their local school . These students are very motivated to do well and the ones I 've met are delightful . And a group of girls today , in conversation , discovered that I and Weeza share names with two of them . " Where does your daughter go to school ? " another girl asked , which was so charming . I explained that my daughter is old enough to be her mother . " My mother 's 32 , she said " ( she 's 13 ) . " Ah " I said , feeling very old . " My mother 's 52 " said another girl of 13 . Then someone asked my age . I hesitated for a minute . It 's not a usual thing to ask - but they weren 't being rude , they were being friendly , I 'm not a teacher ( that would have been inappropriate ) and so I told them , 57 . They were so sweet , they assured me they would have thought anything down to 40 . " I didn 't think you were that old " said Ellie , knowing it was a two - edged remark , and laughingly friendly . We 're finally back on our internet booster , wirelessly . The router doesn 't quite have the gumption to get to both our drawing room and Al and Dilly 's house without it so , whilst we were able to use that , we had to be in the kitchen . The options on the booster website were beyond my comprehension , but I hadn 't felt able to bother Ro last week as he was really busy at work , and Dora was leaving for Thailand to visit her brother on Sunday , so I didn 't want to interrupt his weekend either . Today , however , we helped each other out . I was going to Norwich to pick up Zerlina 's present , and offered him a lift home afterwards , to save a long walk with shopping . I had a bit of a decision - wobble in the afternoon because of the weather , but the snow stopped by the time I was at my destination and hasn 't started again yet here , although apparently it has in Norwich . However , let 's start at the beginning . As so often , I was awake early and up late , and found there was a pleasing amount of snow - not enough for us to be snowed in ( this often has happened in the past ) but a decent couple of inches . So , later , when the sun began to shine through , I trotted out to build another snowman . Al had been asked to mind the shop for a couple of hours , so he left Pugsley with me . He was quite happy roaming around in the snow while I worked , but he didn 't think much of my attempt to sculpt arms . He thought I should have used sticks . It was snowing quite hard by the time I finished though , so I hastily gave him a face , took his picture and went indoors . This evening , Ro was talking me through the procedure when we got cut off - the landline phone rang a minute later so I thought it was him , but it was Weeza . Then Ro rang back on my mobile . I promised to phone Weeza back , got the internet working , phoned Al to ask him to check , phoned Weeza , then Al rang back - I needed extra ears and was about to run out of telephones . Still , all is jolly good and we are hoping to get together at the weekend . So , today - I was up first . Actually , I didn 't get up until 8 o ' clock , though I 'd been awake for a couple of hours reading . I have half a dozen books on the go on my phone , and today 's choice was Tom Sawyer . I 've read it several times already , of course , but not for a few years and I 'd rather forgotten how frightening a character Injun Joe was . There 's a Facebook meme been going around of which authors have influenced you in some way , and several of us have chosen Mark Twain amongst others ( one of mine was Saki , of course ) . When I went out , about 9 o ' clock , the wise Sage was still in bed . As I left the house I heard bantams chatting to each other about the breakfast they expected any minute . I didn 't have time to soak their bread in hot water , their usual breakfast , but I went back to get a dish of corn for them . They are all clustering together at this time of year rather than going off alone - warmth and safety , I guess . They all hurried to greet me , anyway . We hadn 't expected many people to brave church , but were surprised . On the fourth Sunday , it 's a cafΓ© - style do , with Communion first for the few who prefer the Book of Common Prayer , then coffee and bacon sandwiches , and later a very informal family service . You 'd hardly say service really . The children were decorating Christmas baubles and doing various puzzles and painting and that sort of thing . Cake and grape juice were served . I played the clarinet - not in a soloish way , but to lead the singing . Several friends of about my age turned up sans any children , and the youngsters ranged from babies to teenagers . All very sociable and seemed to be enjoyed , I played the last verse very fast ( this was appropriate , it was that sort of song ) and was applauded good - naturedly . We were in the church rooms , but we 'll be in the church next week so I turned up and on the heating , to check it was effective , and set the timer for the Christingle service and for next Sunday . Neither of the churchwardens have mastered the timer yet , so I 'm still doing it , This afternoon , I was playing Scrabble on my phone ( the phone was the opponent ) and went into the kitchen to think what to cook for dinner . When I looked at my phone , it had turned itself off - which is normal , it does so if not used for a few minutes . However , it didn 't come back on when I pressed the button . Deeply alarmed , I pressed the main button - nothing . I was sure there was juice in the battery , but put it into the computer to recharge and it didn 't show up on iTunes . I was shocked and appalled . At this point , Weeza happened to ring up . I made polite conversation for all of two minutes before telling her my woes , and logged on to the Apple website while still talking to her to make an appointment to get it sorted out . However , first , I looked at the troubleshooting advice , which was just as well , because it soothingly explained what to do . And now all seems fine . So , a ten - minute storm in a teacup , but it made me quite anxious at the time . It was very cold overnight , but no more snow yet . I might go over to Norwich tomorrow , to buy Zerlina 's Christmas present . Most other things will be bought online or in Yagnub or Selcceb . Possibly Notselrah , but that 's harder to pronounce . Well , there was enough snow for me to build a snowman . A little one , admittedly , because I didn 't get around to it until the afternoon , by which time the sun had been shining and some of it had thawed . If we get more snow , I 'll build a bigger one . Al and the children built one too - Al being the smart one of the family , he managed to get arms to stay on . In fact , it was good building snow , sticking together well and not too powdery . I 'd quite forgotten , by the way , that I never wrote final " bringing on the wall " posts - if you read Dave 's blog , you 'll know that he and the Sage put in a couple of final sessions at the start of this month to finish it off . They finished exactly four weeks ago and ended with a celebratory bonfire and fireworks , it also being Bonfire Night weekend . My friend is still seriously ill and they hope to fly him back to hospital in this country in the next day or two . He is in intensive care , but they have not been able to diagnose what the cause of the problem is yet . Very worrying and we feel for his wife too , living in a hotel so far from home . His daughters have flown out to be with them ; one of them has a paraplegic husband and a young baby , but the husband has to have full - time carers so it 's not as difficult as leaving an invalid usually would be , in practical terms anyway . You 'll want snowman photos , of course . Here you are - it was a brighter afternoon than these show , but I took them on my phone , which is always a bit dark . There are a couple of pictures of the wall too . As you see , not much snow was left by 2 o ' clock this afternoon . But we can still hope ! I 'm still doing the rota . It 's a bit difficult , because the person who 's ill - he 's my fellow organist , and his wife also reads lessons , makes coffee and will be sidesman if necessary - I 've eased their burden for the next few months , but I don 't want to leave them off altogether in case it makes them feel sidelined . But if he 's fine and wants to do more , he can always take some of the jobs I 've put myself down for in their place . Today was Founder 's Day . The school was founded in 1565 which is rather splendid , because they 've celebrated Founder 's Day ever since . Whole lots of Old Boys turn up , though not as many as usual because of the snowy weather and several cried off . I don 't know at what point you 're invited , most of them are knocking on a bit . They included a previous Head , Deputy Head , two other teachers and someone whom I really tried to persuade to be a governor but haven 't managed yet . He 's so excellent that he 's in demand elsewhere , I do understand - what a handicap being nice is . Anyway , I was clearing snow off the windscreen at 8 . 30 this morning to go to the special assembly , and returned for lunch with the Old Boys ( and girls ) . I was meeting the Head later , so browsed in the library for a while and made notes of a book I 'd like to give someone . He came for me while I was jotting the name on my phone and was amused . He and I think the same way about a lot of things , professionally - we do chat about the odd family matter , but tend to keep to school matters most of the time - it is such a pleasure to work with someone where there 's mutual respect and liking . I think that confidence has a lot to do with it . If you are secure in your self - awareness , you will not feel threatened by someone who is good and ambitious , but encourage them . If you have any insecurity yourself , you might not give credit where it 's due or try to squash initiative . I find this sort of thing very hard to work with , and there is no question of it here . Very much the opposite , which means there is a strong and ambitious team who aren 't afraid to come up with ideas and who will be given resources to carry them out if they put up a convincing case . The school motto , by the way , is so hard to translate that an explanation has to be given with it . Excuse the disguise , but I am easy enough to identify without giving the game away to the idle googler . I 've been working on the rota in between writing . It 's so dull that I have to give myself little treats every so often . But it 's done now . I 'll email it out and watch a DVD before bed . I had finally , after six years , got rid of the church rota . But now the chap who has taken over the job is ill , and in hospital on holiday , which is worse , so I 've said I 'll do the next one . And of course I couldn 't possibly mind , he and his wife are kind and helpful and completely took over all my duties while I was out of action last winter . The photos didn 't get taken today . The IT boys couldn 't get the camera to work . Heh . No , we were all really nice about it . Snow fell in Norwich and on Dave early in the morning , and on Somerleyton and maybe other places around here , but didn 't arrive in these parts until late morning , briefly , and then the sun shone . Snow returned later , however . It was quite thick on the car when I left the meeting just before 5 . I had to go to the supermarket , then for petrol , and every time I opened the car door more snow fell on me from the roof . I was ever so glad I hadn 't gone on my bike ( because I needed petrol ) because it was slushy and slippery on the way home and I would have been afraid to bike it , with a porcelain hip . It 's true , I 'm more nervous of falling heavily than I ever was . I could shatter . The Sage took my and his tax stuff to the accountant this morning . Dave will say this is months late , but it 's in plenty of time . This evening , I asked if he 'd said how much I was likely to owe ( I paid tax for the first time evah last year ) . The Sage said not , he 'll write . " There 's plenty of money in the TSB " he said reassuringly . " It 's all right , I 've been saving up " I said , not without a hint of resourceful pride . " So have I " he said , evidently not having had a lot of reliance on my forethought . He just came in the room . " What do you want for Christmas ? " I asked . " Ooh , what gadget do I want ? " he said . And then decided he was fairly gadgetted up for now . He 's thinking about it . He didn 't return the question , which might mean he 's already decided or , more likely , that he won 't think about it until he panics in four weeks ' time . Actually , both of us are a bit too independent , if we really want something we buy it rather than mark it to be asked for . Since we 're both pretty frugal , day to day , this rarely happens though , the shopping , I mean . Though I couldn 't be doing with a husband who looked askance when I did buy something . If I come home with something new , he 's really pleased . We encourage each other to be frivolous . Friends of ours moved house back in the summer - he is a good friend of mine in particular , and had asked me to drop in any time I was passing . Well , I 'm not very good at dropping in so had been diffident about it , and a few weeks ago he reminded me . Then , last month , I finally had a week with some spare time , and then I got a cold , then it was our auction , then I was on holiday , then I had a lot to catch up on - anyway , the upshot was that I finally called in today . We 'd exchanged emails the other day - he 's the one thinking about buying an iPad - and I suggested today could be The Day . I stayed for lunch and nearly for tea , I finally rolled home at 4 o ' clock . The Sage had been out and phoned to find out where I was and to say he was going out again - I haven 't seen him since he kindly brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning ( you see , Roses , it does sometimes happen ) . It 's a lovely house , though quite awkward , having a lot of steps between rooms , for someone who has rheumatoid arthritis and walks with a stick , but I can quite see why they loved it . It is situated on the edge of the town , so it 's got the river running by the garden , you can see the road from the front but people can 't look in and no one can see into the delightful garden at all . The lovely deli and wholefood shop , and the post office , are within 20 yards but you don 't feel you 're in the town at all . In addition , it 's Georgian and very attractive . Not entirely practical , but I see no reason to be overly sensible either . So , that 's about all I 've done today . It was only 4 when I got home , as I said , but the evening had already started because it was starting to drizzle and the light was failing . Can 't wait for the government to drop GMT . I will feel as though I 've gained an hour in every winter day . Got a bit of a problem with the wifi . That is , it suddenly locked us out . Since the Sage and Al need the internet constantly for eBay ( well , I exaggerate , but the Sage isn 't quite happy unless he has his evening fix , and Al had stuff he was selling that finished last night ) they weren 't pleased . Since , among us , my poor knowledge is the best going , it turned into my responsibility . I 've fixed it up to an extent , but will need more advice from Ro before we 're going properly . As it is , we are all using our computers in the kitchen . The complexity of school governor stuff is increasing . And likely to increase more . Ho hum . Still , I daresay it 'll be interesting . A governors ' meeting on Thursday and we 're having our photos taken . Such is the paranoia about safeguarding that now everyone has to have photo id . Pity . I 'm rather attached to my present name badge , which has a little Happy Face sticker on it , courtesy of my friend Caroline who is a teaching assistant there . Still , I 'll bear the experience with good nature , if not good cheer . I 'm not too fond of having a photo taken of me . Why is it , by the way , that ' official ' photos , for passports and suchlike , are always so dreadful ? In my passport , I look terrified . On the Sage 's driving licence , he looks frightening . I 've never seen a good one yet . The really depressing thing is that they are actually accepted as a likeness . I overslept . I switched the light off around 1 , woke around 7 , slept again and was woken up by the phone ringing at 9 . 30 . So it 's fair to say I caught up on some sleep . It left me in a hurry to get going , but I arrived at the funeral in Oulton Broad with more than half an hour in hand . All the same , I was too late to sit in the church and had to go into the connecting hall , where there was a video link . It was standing room in there by the time the service started , there must have been 400 or 500 people there altogether . It seems so sad that it 's a mark of how much people think of you , that they can only show it at the last by coming to your funeral . The Sage got back after a successful trip this afternoon . So things are right around here again . I shall go and cuddle him appreciatively when I 've written this . A friend is considering buying an iPad . He has suggested I go with him to try one out . What a good idea . I don 't know quite what he wants out of it , but that 's up to those nice people at the Apple store to discuss with him . I 'm quite happy just to have fun . As usual . I was writing to a friend and didn 't notice the time . It 's nearly midnight . I 'll have to adjust the time to make this Sunday 's post . Last night , I didn 't sleep . I whinged gently on Facebook every hour or so , and eventually got up to make tea and fetch my phone recharger , because I 'd been using it for so long I 'd run the battery down . Usually , reading on the phone sends me off to sleep quite quickly , but not this time . Eventually at about 4 . 30 , I put some music on and managed to drift off for 3 hours . So I confidently expect a sound night 's sleep tonight . I went up to put the electric blanket on an hour ago so I won 't have cold feet to keep me awake . All quiet here , not a lot to say . The chickens all came running when I took their breakfast out and again for lunch ( bread and maize respectively - they also have a feeder filled with wheat grains in their run ) . This afternoon , I went out to shut up the henhouse when it was getting to dusk - a fox has been seen on the field so we 're being careful . Most of the chickens roost in trees , we think they are safer that way so don 't clip their wings , but a few like to sleep in the henhouse . I came back in and there seemed no good reason not to just lock the door and settle down for the evening . No dog to let out or take for a walk last thing . When I went out at 8 , several bantams were strolling about on the drive so I knew all was well there . Not too busy a week coming up . A funeral in Lowesoft tomorrow , then nothing in the diary until Thursday and Friday , both school things . I wonder if I 'll manage to get something productive done instead of just faffing about . I usually faff , to be honest . I 've just realised there are a couple more emails I meant to write - Weeza , the Sage and Wink have all been on the phone chatting to me this evening , I haven 't got everything done . Tomorrow morning will be good enough though . Really is time for bed now . We both slept really well last night . When I previously changed the bedclothes I was busy , so simply changed the bottom sheet and swapped duvet and pillows with the spare room bed , all being the same size and all . I swapped again this time ( having made the bed up in the meantime , obviously ) and , evidently , that duvet is just a little bit thicker - so we were really warm and comfortable . So this is the one to stay with for the winter . Al and Dilly invited me in to dinner , I took a started and an unstarted bottle of wine , so we made merry . I lit the fire before I went so there was a cheerful blaze to return to . I 've lit candles too , so as not to feel lonely . When I 've finished this , I 'll start on the DVDs - the too - loud music ( not very loud actually , I care for my ears ! ) is on now . The Hold Steady and J Roddy Walston . Oh yes , Julie formerly from Athens leads me astray . BTW , Julie , Ro has a ticket for Hold Steady in February when they 'll be in Norwich ( thanks to me , I told him they were coming ) - I asked him how long he 's been listening to them and it 's been longer than I have , and you put me on to them ; evidently you and he would get on well musically . So , today - no , not a lot to report . I went supermarket shopping because I had a voucher ( Β£ 7 off Β£ 60 ) so bought some wine as I didn 't need that much in groceries . Misty and dull , but mild . Squiffany and Pugsley are staying with Dilly 's parents and were going to see the Christmas lights in Norwich this evening , they were very excited at the treat . Squiff and Nanny were going to watch Strictly this evening . I 've never seen it . More likely to watch I 'm a Celebrity , actually . Not that I am . It 's still swearing and violence for me . I mean , you only have to look at me . It 's obvious . So , either I waffle on generally about my fairly uneventful day , or I reminisce or I go off on one , in the more vulgar parlance ( how is it that parlance always follows vulgar ? ) - which last I did this evening , only to find it was the dullest option of all . Because , who cares , hey ? No darlings , it 's still quiet . But it seems to be a week of sadness . My friend Val 's sister has died , and so has my friend George 's brother . The first expected , the second a sudden shock . Val 's latest granddaughter is being christened tomorrow - Russian Orthodox - so it 's a strange set of emotions for her . I bought myself aniseed balls . Well , you have to do something , don 't you ? And I like old - fashioned sweets , liquorice , aniseed , sherbet and so on . And I cooked a particularly nice dinner - albeit with leftovers . We 're still eating last Sunday 's chicken . I think I 'll be eating it all weekend , as the Sage is off again . He 's going on a china picking - up trip and will be away from tomorrow ( Saturday ) to Monday . I shall play loud music and watch too many DVDs and go to sleep cuddling a pillow . Ooh , talking about sleep , we were a bit fitful last night . By the time we were ready , it was about 1 am and I couldn 't , so played Scrabble on the phone , which isn 't a brilliant idea at that time as you forget your two - letter words . We both kept waking each other up and I was awake from 4 anyway , and when I was ready to get up a couple of hours later , the Sage put his comforting arm around me , so of course we both fell asleep . Then I woke again so played poker , and finally he woke up , looked at the clock , said " 9 . 15 - heh ! " and went straight back to sleep . I exhaust him , darlings , I can 't deny it . But it 's absolutely worth it . I mean , you only have to look at him . I was playing the organ for a funeral this afternoon and ran through the hymns , which was fine , and then started to practise the voluntaries , and found that one of the keys was sticking , an E . Which was a bit of a nuisance . I had to keep flipping it up with a spare finger . If that occasionally happens at our own church , I can , as a last resort , work out which pipe it is and disconnect it , but these were boxed in . Fortunately , it 's a two - manual organ , so I played the other one . It was all right for the hymns as , by chance , neither of them used that note . The final voluntary was in E flat so that was all right too . The lady who had died was 85 years old and had lived in the village nearly all her life , until she moved into a retirement bungalow after her husband died , two years ago . She 'd married a local man , and some of their friends had known them since schooldays . I don 't think that would be the case with many people now . One of the things that other smartphones are , apparently , better at than iPhones are notifications . It 's set up for one email address but , like many people , I have several . The other day , I read about an app that does it all for you , so I downloaded it , and started to set it up - Facebook messages came through quickly ( I have Facebook on the phone too , but it doesn 't notify me that regularly ) but when I put on an email account , the promised email to confirm didn 't arrive . Eventually , I discovered ( ahem ) that I 'd mistyped the address . I 'd put ( actually , this is a bit embarrassing ) gmali . And there didn 't seem to be any way to change it . I even went on the website and it seems that no one else has done this silly a thing - though mind you , lots of people change their emails , so there should be provision . I 've sorted it out , I deleted the app , reinstalled it and set the whole thing up again , correctly . So now it works nicely and will save me checking several little - used emails every day . I have to say , having this phone really keeps me away from the computer , it 's brilliant . I used to check things and , having sat down , stayed there for a while . Now , I leave it alone unless I 've got work to do . It 's the reason posts are written late at night , mostly . And occasionally from my bed , when I realise at the last that I 've forgotten about it . Not that I feel I * have * to write something every day of course , you understand . Or maybe I do . Hm . Doesn 't the year seem to be galloping on ? Now we 're on the final slope towards its end , time has speeded up with a worrying momentum . I don 't think that going away for the first week in November helped , I left in early autumn and returned to near - winter and long to - do lists . Having said that , I 'm feeling quite good at the prospect of December , largely because I won ' 't have to make holly wreaths this year . You may remember how much I dislike this job , yet I felt obliged to do it because they were worth so much to Al . He bought the wire frame and we mostly cadged fir and holly to make the body of the wreath - that part was the Sage 's job . Al made several pounds profit on each , if you didn 't count anything for my time , which I didn 't . I sat down two or three evenings a week with an old sheet spread over the floor and worked away for two or three hours getting thoroughly prickled hands - anyway , that 's it , I don 't have to now . So I can - um - well , I can lounge around in the evenings not doing much instead , now I come to think of it . I spent all day at the school , and sat reading for half an hour while munching toast and Marmite on my return home . Gosh . How do people manage doing it full - time ? Though I suppose I did for thirteen years . I was young then , of course . Anyway , I was accosted by one of the staff , who wants me to be a Dragon . I agreed , of course , though secretly a bit daunted . I 'll rise to the occasion though , I 'm sure . The Business and Enterprise ( or whatever , I can never remember the names of everything ) group are putting together business plans as a project . Our business manager will also be on the panel . Should be fun . In music this morning , one of the four groups didn 't have anyone willing to sing - which meant that it wasn 't going as well as it might . So I became their vocalist . I know , it was absurd . Singing I Predict A Riot accompanied by five teenagers young enough to be my granddaughters . Still , I took the view that I can 't expect them to overcome inhibitions unless I 'm going to do it too . I didn 't know until recently that the popular shortening of Juliet is now Jelly . There are two in one year at the high school . I rather like it , I must say . In this afternoon 's class , there 's a Z and a Weeza , which is a first - though she prefers Ellie , inexplicably . I think Weeza ( her actual name , that is ) is lovely and she likes it too , although I do sometimes call her Ella , or Weeza of course . Although Dilly , Dora and Phil are noms de blog , my own three children are called by short versions of their actual names here . That reminds me , what is blog in other languages ? Or is it a weblog in every country ? I was so pleased with myself this afternoon , that 's the thing . I so rarely get it completely right first off . Al and Pugsley appeared at the door after lunch ; it seems that Dilly had some friends over and Al felt that the atmosphere was entirely too girly and that he and his son were , as he put it , personae non gratae . I know , darlings , I didn 't understand it either . Anyway , they came and joined me for a considerably less girly atmosphere . Al read several books to Pugsley and then P wanted to watch television ( he loves tv here , as I allow CITV , which has advertisements ) , so Al felt able to turn his attention to his laptop . I may have mentioned that Al is a governor at the village school , the same one I was governor at for 18 years and which Ro attended for 5 years . They found it hard to get rid of me , darlings . Actually , when I became chairman of governors ( because the CoG died suddenly , it was awful ) , they were going through a difficult time - anyway , a few months later , we appointed a new headteacher . The choice wasn 't a unanimous decision , and she knows that so I can say it , but I will also say that it was a superb decision and I was instrumental in it happening . A cautious person by inclination , I 'm not afraid to follow my instincts when it 's time to be bold . This was 8 years ago and she has been brilliant in sometimes difficult circumstances ( coincidental serious staff illnesses , that was awful too , because not all of them survived ) . Now she 's moving to a different part of the country and a new job . So , various governors have been asked to write each part of the information pack to applicants , and Al was asked to write the part about the locality . He agreed and came promptly to me for advice , wise boy . I ( ' scuse the caps ) WENT STRAIGHT INTO THE STUDY , TOOK DOWN A FILE AND FOUND THE INFO FROM 8 YEARS AGO . Just like that . I haven 't been a governor there for 4 1 / 2 years , I 've destroyed nearly everything , but I still had this and I knew where to look . Remarkable , hey ? Anyway , some of it is out of date , but at least it gives Al something to base his piece on . The second thing I 've already mentioned on Facebook is the phone call I had this morning from someone called Kate who wanted the Sage to ring her back , from the Viron Licencing Dept . I asked her to repeat it twice , I didn 't understand , and I could only write it down phonetically . The Sage was puzzled for a minute . Then his face cleared . " Firearm " , he said . " It 's about my firearm certificate . " Oh . Tonight , I had governors training on Safeguarding Children , which is a main OFSTED focus this year . Next September , it 'll be dead in the water but right now if you haven 't ticked all the boxes you 'll fail . Actually , we do tick nearly all the boxes and have an action plan ( sorry ) for the rest but I need to keep up to date on things and haven 't been trained for about 4 years . I wisely prepared a delicious fish pie before I went out . I was glad of nice food when I slunk back at 9 . 45 . And a couple of glasses of wine . Ro and Dora came over for dinner today . She and her sister are going to Thailand in a fortnight , to visit their brother and his other half , who are expecting a baby in the New Year . She confidently expects Ro to miss her horribly , and I 'm sure he will , except for the weekend when he 's visiting Zain in London . I promised to lend him my Oyster card and then we forgot . D ' oh . I 'll put it in the post , if we won 't be meeting before then . I had an unscheduled stint at the early service this morning . The person who was down to be sidesman has a frozen shoulder ; he had to help shift a dead body the other day and was obliged to take the weight on his wrists as he couldn 't use the strength of his upper arms and , yesterday , found that his hands swelled up . He and his wife were due to go on holiday tonight , so yesterday were trying to get a doctor 's advice on whether it was okay to go . I hope so , the profession of undertaker is a demanding one and they need a break . Anyway , I was searching for my key at 7 . 30 this morning . I had last seen it , that I remembered , before I went away when I was sorting out my handbag . Having looked in all the likely places , I decided it might be in another bag , which I couldn 't find . In the end , just as I thought I was going to have to give up and call on someone else with a key ( who would be up , I 'm not that inconsiderate ) , I found the bag and therefore the key . I also found Β£ 100 which I had squirrelled away and forgotten where . It wasn 't lost , you understand , I just hadn 't found it again yet . I had another visit to church later of course , for the Remembrance Sunday service . I shall never not be struck by the recital of the names of 25 men from this little village who lost their lives in the Great War . It still shocks . And another of our three linked villages lost 4 from the same family . I had several vivid dreams last night - or , at any rate , I remembered them , which is rarely the case . Don 't worry , I won 't tell you all about them , just one thing . At one point I was brought a cup of coffee and didn 't drink it for a while . When I took a sip , it was stone cold . I remember being surprised that it was completely cold already , not just lukewarm , and I could clearly taste the coffee , which I also could see was black - but black as a specific shade , not black and white . So I dream in colour , taste and temperature . Which maybe I 've always known and had forgotten . There was something I was going to tell you , but which I can 't think of at present . I daresay it will come back to me . In the meantime , a few other random snaps of Malta . I bought some Montezuma giant chocolate buttons . Zerlina was most impressed . She came and stood beside me several times , being very affectionate in a hopeful sort of way and kissing me lovingly before asking if there was any chance I might be considering opening Granny 's tin . It got me every time . I 'm afraid my reputation as a soft touch will take a while to live down . She also hoped I 'd notice and remark upon her appearance . She touched her fringe faux - casually and tossed her pigtails , and glanced down at her striped wool dress . Each time I complimented her , her face lit up happily . She still has an afternoon nap , something which her mother strenuously encourages . She loves her nap and now has graduated to a full - sized single bed in our smallest bedroom . When she woke , I went to fetch her . " Look , I 'm in a big girl 's bed " were her first words . We walked downstairs , holding hands , and she showed me the cars decorating her socks ( not actual cars , darlings , they were part of the pattern ) . I woke to the sound of rain and wind against the window , and was in no hurry to get up . I thought of Al , who normally would be getting the shop ready at that time . I 've done it myself in the winter , they used to go on holiday the first week in January when things were quiet and I took over . I remember one week when , every day , I had to weigh down the display as I put it out because the wind was so strong and even so , I had to hurry down the road after various baskets and cloths that had blown away . I also remember cycling against a wind so strong that , in quite a slight upward incline , I had to get off and walk . I didn 't go out all day except to pick Pugsley up from nursery school . Jo brought him to the gate for me . " Tell Granny what you have done this afternoon " she prompted . " I 've made cake ! " he announced . " Carrot cake . I love carrot cake ! " I was slightly surprised as well as pleased , because he isn 't all that keen on vegetables usually and so I 'd have thought he 'd have a prejudice against cake containing them . We were lucky with the weather , the sun came out ten minutes before I left and then the rain started again on the way home . It rained hard and turned to sleet . We sat in the car and waited for it to ease , while I showed him an app I 'd downloaded for him , and then , as it dried up , hopped indoors . Minutes later , it was bucketing down again . I 've not really got myself sorted out this week . I meant to go shopping today but changed my mind , and so actually emptied the fridge . We finished leftovers from the past couple of days for lunch , and then there was nothing left . Some milk and cheese , butter and champagne , the tail end of a jar of pesto , a tube of the children 's cheese spread and some orange and apple juice and half a jar of mayonnaise . That was it . Not a lot to base dinner on . Fortunately , I had vegetables so improvised . You can make a delicate soufflΓ© from cooked squash mixed with cheese and a couple of egg yolks with the whisked whites folded in . No flour or anything else . I seasoned it with cumin and piled it back into the squash shell - it was a largish Festival squash , that is , some 5 or so inches in diameter , plenty for two - topped it with flaked almonds and baked it again . Ro phoned to say that he and Dora will come over on Sunday , so I 've said I 'll do dinner a bit early , and Weeza and Zerlina are coming over tomorrow . It was a fortnight ago I saw them , at the auction , and we were busy then , so that will be good . I haven 't set foot in the dining room since I got back , I bet it 's cold in there . There 's no point in lighting the fire for two of us to have dinner at an 8 foot long table so we don 't use it much in the winter . Phil had a job interview last week and has been successful . He likes his present job , but it 's a long way to travel every day and takes him ages . He 'll be working in Great Yarmouth , so he 'll still be cycling and then travelling by rail , but the train journey is much shorter . The road from Acle to Yarmouth is far too dangerous to cycle . It 's nearly a year and a half since Ro moved out and the Sage and I have been living by ourselves . You might say that it was about time and you wouldn 't be wrong - of course , we had been alone before while he was at university , but that didn 't seem to count . This isn 't a large house , though it does sprawl rather - it 's a rambling cottage really , but it does seem rather big for the two of us . I mentioned the room I never go in - actually , there are several that I don 't go in much , particularly in the winter . A few weeks ago , when the family came to stay , the whole place was in use again , of course . I can 't see us ever downsizing - for a start , Al and family live here too , in the annexe . And one of the reasons I ever suggested moving here was that I couldn 't see the Sage clearing out the outbuildings . Well , since then , he 's built more and filled them too , and an extension to the house . I sometimes wonder , if I started again , what I 'd have for my own choice . I don 't believe that I 'm that bothered about having stuff , but I could be deluding myself . Certainly , I 'm rarely tempted to buy anything . The last item of furniture I bought , a couple of years ago , was a cabinet for the Sage to keep one of his collections in . That was an old one , bought from eBay . We 've hardly got any new items of furniture . The bed was bought new of course . We had the dining table made and the Sage made the kitchen table . Otherwise , apart from armchairs and the sofa , it 's all recycled . Very uninterestingly , today 's journey to London went smoothly . The train wasn 't very busy so no one sat next to me , any audible chat was not intrusive , the trains were on time and I arrived at my destination , at both ends of the underground journey , unexpectedly promptly . The meeting was fine and I put in a fair contribution of my own ideas and gained benefit from that of others and , although it rained , it didn 't while I was outside . The most notable event of the whole day was when I was standing on the Tube , a seat became empty and a young woman offered it to me rather than sitting down herself . Which was vastly kind , if a bit lowering , that I bring out the lovely in people , meaning I evidently look old and / or infirm . Anyway , I smiled and thanked her and sat down . Dave , this morning , said in his post that he empathises with fictional characters on film or in books to the extent that he identifies with them , even imagining himself as them , whether they are heroic or even deeply unpleasant . I don 't suppose he identifies with all of them , but it made me question my own reaction to people in books - and I don 't think I ever have done that . I might be very engaged with a story , deeply moved or interested by a character or situation , but it 's as an onlooker , not as a participant . In fact , thinking about it , I seem to be becoming more dispassionate if anything . I judge a book more rapidly than I used to - it doesn 't have to be badly written now , as once it did , for me to decide that I don 't care enough to finish it . I still don 't know why this is , maybe I 've just read most of my lifetime quota of books and very few excite me any more . I seem to notice the writing more than I used to - for example , in any book set in the late 19th century which involves a family , I look for the baby boy born for the sole purpose of being poignantly killed off in the first world war . Even very good writers do it - they 're manipulating my feelings , so I won 't play along . A book has to be either light enough for me not to mind or good enough for me to either overlook the devices or else become so genuinely engaged that I don 't notice them . Like in an action film where you know that several characters are going to be killed off and you entertain yourself by deciding the most likely ones . Indeed , with a lot of more ' serious ' actors , I often observe their acting more than the characters they portray . The Sage has been looking after me very well , starting with tea in bed and going on to cooking my lunch for me , having lit the fire and all . We had the children in the afternoon , as Dilly and Al had an appointment in Norwich . At seven o ' clock , I took them back home to get ready for bed , only to find that the key didn 't work - Al lost his door key a couple of months ago , changed the lock and then found it ( it had fallen from his keyring , but turned up in his van ) and thought he 'd given us a new key . Anyway , I read to them their bedtime stories until their parents arrived home . I 'll do final Wall posts as soon as I can - if you read Dave 's blog then you 'll have seen them there already . He sent me one photo of the finished structure , but it 's late now and I have to get going early tomorrow again . The Sage 's business email has been down this evening , which is a pain as I 've a quite urgent letter to get off , and I haven 't got the chap 's address except in the Sage 's account . I 'll try again first thing tomorrow , but I 've got to leave here by 7 . 30 . It was nearly 5 o ' clock when I finally got home yesterday , having reached Liverpool Street at 12 . 00 . I should have been back here two hours later , or three allowing for the notified Sunday service . This is a scheduled programme of work on the line , it 's quite remarkable that the alternative arrangements always come over as so scrappily put together . Anyway , having been unexpectedly busy with children when I 'd expected to work , and then had a long chat to Ro this evening , and not having got very much going at all this morning , I 've not got a lot of work done . I haven 't worked out my route for tomorrow yet , I 'll have to look up buses on the phone when I 'm on the train . Horrible weather , at least I didn 't have rain to cope with yesterday . Okay , let 's start with a couple of good points . There are very helpful staff to give information and they are being unfailingly patient and polite which can 't be easy when you 're being asked the same questions over and again . And I remembered a two - bar Kitkat I 'd got in my bag , so I have had some lunch . Otherwise , there is nothing good to report about British public transport . I didn 't sleep last night , a brief nap around midnight and then I lay there waiting for 5 o ' clock . We arrived at Gatwick at 10 . 30 and were on the train platform within half an hour . So far so good . I noticed that the expensive Gatwick Express is less than 5 minutes quicker than the regular train , don 't waste your money . I knew I 'd have to take a bus for part of my route , because that 's always the way on this line on Sundays ( remember , the Bod didn 't consult me before he booked the holiday , I 'd not have chosen to travel today ) . But I expected the bus either to start at Liverpool Street Station or to take a train some way and then be bussed . So I got off the Tube train , carried my suitcase up the steps ( there are very few stations that are entirely served by escalators ) and looked for the platform . No trains to Norwich . I found a notice board that said I 'd have to get on the tube again , but it wasn 't clear and I had to ask . So I ended up on the same platform I 'd left ten minutes previously and got the next tube train . I arrived at Newbury Park and lots of us hung around for a bus . It 's about 12 or 15 miles to Ingatestone , but the traffic was heavy . I arrived find I had Neely an hour to wait . Helpfully , it was suggested that I take the train in half an hour ( five minutes from now ) to Ipswich , where at least there 's a coffee shop and I can pick up the train to Norwich half an hour after that . I 'll let you know when I get home . Sorry for mistakes , you can 't see what you 're writing when it 's a long post from the phone . I was awake early this morning , too early for Wink , so caught up with some blog - reading , and found that Boy On Top had updated after two years of silence . I meant to write a post a couple of weeks ago on those whose blogs I used to read and who don 't update any longer ( and then something more topical came up to write about ) and he was one of my favourites , so I was glad to hear from him again . We had a splendid last day , with a thoroughly touristy boat trip round the harbours and then we went off to Naxxar to the palazzo there and had lunch . Afterwards , feeling cheerful , I looked around and bought myself a necklace - I 'm afraid I can 't load a photo from my phone ( or at least , I don 't know how ) but you may have seen it on Facebook . To put things into perspective , it cost less than three of their cakes of soap . But I did just spend β¬ 82 on myself on a whim . Still . I hear that Dave was persuaded to stay for fireworks and supper this evening , which is jolly good . Any party would be enhanced by Dave 's company . Zerlina has gone to bed in a full - sized single bed and is very pleased with herself . I have set my alarm for 5 o ' clock tomorrow morning . Our flight is at 8 . 30 . Saturday is our last day here . We 're leaving the hotel early on Sunday morning , as our flight is about 8 . 30 . I 've been phoning the Sage every evening , and things seem to be fine at home . He and Dave have nearly finished the wall , there are pictures at Dave 's place today and it looks wonderful . They 're planning another session tomorrow , weather permitting . Bod 's mum is getting on well , although progress is slow . She is 89 , in good health until she fell and broke bones a month ago , which is the reason the Bod isn 't with us . There 's no actual reason why she can 't be left , as he will be needed much more when she leaves hospital , but she asked him not to go and so of course he didn 't . We have very much enjoyed our week here . It 's good to spend time together , of course , for one thing and this is a lovely place . We have got about on foot or by bus and I 've thought many times how lucky I am to have my new hip working so well . A lady in her seventies struggled to get on the bus today , it was an old one with a high step . A kind young man supported her and helped her up . I realised that , a year ago , I could not have managed that step . There would have been no point in even trying . We 've been in Valletta today doing the history thing . The war museum is very good actually , with a well - written narrative on the 20th century history of Malta and particular focus on the last war . It was very moving in fact , particularly a video of street scenes taken by a gunner , whose name was Stan Fraser I think ( should have written it down ) which showed the devastation caused by the bombing and the fortitude of the Maltese more eloquently than any words . The George Cross given to all the islanders in 1942 is on display there . We walked round the Grand Harbour - the Sage has a painting of a storm scene in Valletta Harbour , painted by Beechey in 1865 or thereabouts and he wanted me to identify where it was painted . Not very easy , especially as I haven 't looked at the painting for several years . It 's too large to hang in any of our rooms , used to be on the stairs but when it was taken down for some reason we couldn 't hang it again without help . It 's been in the room I never go in ever since . I 'd like to go in there , but the Sage has filled it . It 's unusable . It was last used more than five years ago . Anyway , I found the most likely place and took photos , but it could be the harbour the other side of Valletta . I 'll have a look there on Saturday . Tomorrow , we 're planning to head south and see if we can find the restaurant recommended by Sarah . Today we went to Mdina , which was absolutely delightful . I can imagine living there . Actually , now I come to think of it , I like walled towns . I 'm trying to think of one in Spain that I liked very much - one of you will tell me , I visited it on the same day I went to Segovia . . . which I also loved , I 'd have liked to spend more time there . Gratifyingly , the Sage says he 's missing me . He even used the L word yesterday . So I should think . Last night I slept well , at last , after three nights of very little sleep at all . Thank goodness for that - I was starting to think that I 'd arrive home more tired that I left and in need of another holiday . And now , if you 'll excuse me , I think I 'll have a little mid - afternoon nap . Don 't work too hard , will you , darlings . It would be such a pity if you started to make me feel guilty . Excuse me being less than reliable about replying to comments . It 's all just a bit more fiddly on this little screen . I 'm reading them of course , and thank you . I 've been to the Armoury , Mike and Ann . And I 've written you a postcard , Dave . Haven 't actually posted it but the thought was there . Hope you 're all being very good without me to keep an eye on you . Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
This morning I got up and hurried to get ready to run in the " Race to Feed the Hungry " ( 5k ) with my friend Kristel . I put my right contact in , no problem . Put my left contact in and felt as if I had dumped burning acid in my eye . I grabbed the contact out and frantically flushed my eye out and it gradually started to feel a little better , although it was definitely still stinging . I had run out of contact solution the night before right after filling the right eye case , had dug around in a drawer and found an old bottle of sample contact solution and had used it for my left contact . Now that I felt like my eye had been acid burned I looked at the bottle and apparently this solution wasn 't just the regular old 3 - in - one stuff . You had to use a special kind of container and it said not to put it directly on the contact . Oops . Plan B : run in glasses which I usually avoid doing at all costs . Also wear glasses for the next week or so till I can get an eye appointment since I cannot seem to find my box of contacts that I just opened a week and a half before . Be thankful I have glasses to wear . Also hope that I haven 't done any permanent damage to my eye . I hurried off to pick up Kristel and left Chris and the kids . He was still undecided as to whether he was going to try to come watch me run . Once Kristel and I got there and walked up to where it started ( leaving my phone in the car of course ) I realized that it was a way bigger event than I had known and there were tons of people running . Also , we waited and waited for it to start but apparently they had a lot of last minute sign ups and so started about 20 minutes late . At this point I was wishing I had my phone to tell Chris not to try to come as parking would be crazy and I had no idea when we would finish . The race finally started and we had quite a nice run , but the course ended up being about 3 . 6 miles instead of 3 . 1 like it was supposed to be . This made our time several minutes longer than it should have been which we thought was weird . Luckily I had my GPS watcI jumped quickly in the shower and got ready as fast as I could , and then ran upstairs to finish up one of the pies . I had saved putting the bananas , toffee and whipped cream on the banoffee pie till right before we left because I didn 't want it to get soggy or the bananas to go brown . I had to try the whipped cream 3 times because the cream had gotten warm in the fridge and wasn 't whipping properly . On the third try it turned out okay , although not as stiff as I would have liked , and I was able to finish up the pie which looked quite beautiful . At this point we were running late to get to Chris 's sisters house 25 minutes away for dinner at 1 : 00 . They had scheduled it for that time because Chris had to work at 3 : 00 so we knew we needed to hurry . Chris got the kids and pies in the car and then took off in his own car . As I hurried to lock up and grab the last couple of things I went to grab diapers and realized that our diaper bin was empty . I found one diaper in the diaper bag and literally felt like I was having a panic attack as I thought about the implications of running out of diapers on Thanksgiving / Black Friday when Chris had to work both days and I would have to take the kids with me to the store . I did some deep breathing flagged down Chris as he was pulling out of the driveway , and he told me there were a few diapers in the car . Luckily I found 4 or 5 . Phew . We could make it . At this point I was ready for the day to be over . But Chris was right . . . we could and did fix it . The pie didn 't look quite as beautiful as it had originally , but was still acceptable , and we cleaned everything else up . It was as if up until 1 : 15pm we had been living in a Murphy 's law ( anything that can go wrong , will go wrong ) universe , and then all of a sudden the universe righted itself , birds started singing and flowers blooming . Okay . . . I guess we didn 't have flowers blooming in November , but the weather was beautiful . The big kids disappeared to go play with their cousins while we finished getting dinner on . Elijah was happy . Dinner was ( of course ) delicious , all the big kids were old enough to sit at their own table and need minimal supervision , so we adults were able to talk and enjoy ourselves . Elijah happily ate everything I fed him and amused us by playing peek - a - boo . And while we were in the middle of dinner Chris got a phone call from work asking if he would be okay with going on - call instead of coming in . Ummmmm . . . . yes ? ! ! After dinner Trey ( 9 ) took Elijah outside to play . He pulled Elijah around in the wagon and chased the cat with him which of course Elijah absolutely loved . The other kids disappeared again to play , and eventually went outside as well . I am always happy on a day in the winter where my kids will go outside and gets some fresh air . It makes for happy kids and a happy mom . I made more whipped cream for the rest of the pies . It turned out much better than it had at my house , and everyone was very kind about the pies , even the banoffee one which at that point was more like soup than pie , but at least tasted super yummy . HA HA ! I got really lucky with a new dark chocolate pie recipe and everyone raved about it . It had the " perfect " texture . Phew ! Visiting was done , naps were taken , dishes were washed , the food put away , and goodbyes said . Katherine gave the kids a really cool lego advent calendar as an early Christmas present . They are SO excited about it . And now we are home . The kids got in a little trouble because Chris found another place where they had written on the wall . This has been a trend lately . But it was actually okay with me because that meant that after they scrubbed it off ( thank you Katherine for the magic erasers ! ) they got their pajamas on and went straight to bed a little before 8 . Minimal bedtime hassle . Now I am sitting here writing this book of a blog post while Chris is upstairs cleaning the kitchen . I love that man . It 's been a long day , but a good day . A day to remember for the good and the not - so - good - but - will - be - funny - someday , which is why I wanted to write it all down in detail . I have so much to be thankful for - not just in November , or on Thanksgiving Day , but all the time . I hope that even when I stop writing it down every day , I will still remember to look for the good , the little things that make me smile , and the tender mercies every day . One thing doing this has taught me is that even on the worst , or craziest or even on the most ordinary days there is always something to be thankful for if I just pay attention and remember to look for it . A few phone pics from the day : Tonight I was trying to finish up the dishes and I could tell Elijah was tired . I had changed his diaper and put his pajamas on , and he had found a pacifier ( which I usually only let him have in his bed ) and he kept doing things like laying down on the floor . He finally got cranky enough that I stopped doing the dishes even though I was almost done , and picked him up and he immediately said , " night night " . Ha ! It was very obvious that he was ready to go to bed . I don 't think I 've ever had one of my kids tell me they wanted to go to bed before , although Isaac did used to fall asleep in his high chair . It was kind of a stressful point in my day but I did have to laugh and appreciate that one little thing . On a somewhat unrelated note , we finally cut Elijah 's hair . Yesterday the mullet he has been developing just got too much for me and I decided to take the clippers to it . He is such a wiggly boy it was hard to get it all even . Chris tried to clip around his ears with scissors and it is definitely not the smoothest job since he kept trying to turn his head , but at least the mullet is gone . I really loved his longer hair and I am trying to get used to it short but I still think he 's pretty darn cute . Here 's a picture with his new ' do : Eating his first oreo while I made oreo pie crust . He devoured it and asked for more and wasn 't very happy when I told him no . Posted by One of my friends has an incredibly sweet six month old baby girl that I got to snuggle a little bit today . I love my boys and feel pretty content at this point imagining only having boys but every once in a while it 's nice to get a baby girl fix . Her chubby legs in her tights and her chunky little bum with a pink tutu on it was just so cute and fun . And she loves to play on her stomach and roll around all over which my kids never really did so that was fun to watch too . Incidentally Elijah absolutely adores this particular baby girl and constantly tries to give her loves and hugs and stares into her eyes . It is hilarious and also a little alarming at times . I have to say the kids got good taste though because little Abigail is just the sweetest ! For my birthday a year or two ago Chris gave me one of those hand held electric back massager things and today the kids saw it and pulled it out . They were trying to convince me to pay them " twenty five REAL cents for a massage " or one dollar for 5 massages every day , or 10 dollars for a hundred massages every day etc . I kept trying to convince them that they were using MY massager to earn money so I should get to have massages for free . They were pretty stubborn about needing to be paid though , ( quite the little businessmen ) so I finally convinced William that he should give me a massage and then I would give him a massage and then we would pay each other a quarter . When I gave William his massage he could NOT stop laughing . It was so ticklish to him everywhere that the only place I could use without him cracking up was his calves . Of course , that didn 't really stop me from trying out his stomach and his sides and his feet and his armpits : ) . And it was pretty hilarious that after all his negotiations he was content to have me hand him a quarter and then hand it back to me . HA ! Then of course Isaac wanted me to give him a massage and he was even worse than William . They were all giggling like crazy and Elijah kept trying to climb on top of whoever was laying down , and my hair was a crazy mess and it was a lot of fun . The whole thing was just silly and funny from the start to the finish . My kids are silly and exhausting and messy and smart and helpful and helpless and crazy and cute and naughty and I love hearing them laugh . I 'm grateful I got to enjoy that funny little time with them today . Posted by The last few days I got a much needed break from my regular life . It was really a lot of fun to go shopping and hang out and attend Time Out for Women , and not have to cook or take care of anyone except myself . Kristel and I laughed a lot and did a lot of silly things . It was a wonderful break . However , right after we got to Salt Lake I got a phone call from my dad who told me he had run into the father of my best friend from high school . Stephanie 's dad told my dad that doctors had found a cancerous tumor in Stephanie 's one year old son Noah 's abdomen . My heart broke for her . Noah is Stephanie 's miracle child who she shouldn 't have even been able to get pregnant with in the first place . Her pregnancy with him was terribly hard resulting in her having to be in the hospital for over a month at the end of it while leaving her husband and two older kids . And then Noah was born and he has been her sweetheart from the beginning . He is the first of her children to look like her , and the happiest most endearing baby . Stephanie told me that although she ( of course ) definitely loves her other babies and is so grateful to have them , Noah was the baby to teach her how much joy motherhood can really bring . I had a wonderful weekend , but Stephanie and Noah were in the back of my mind the whole time . Saturday night I just couldn 't sleep . I kept thinking about them and wishing I could do something , and praying for them . I thought of my own sweet , healthy little boys and wondered why some people seem to have to go through so much . My heart broke for them . I joined in the fast that they had today for Noah . I believe that there is a lot of power in people of faith joining together in fasting and prayer . And I wanted to be a part of that power for their family . Noah goes in for surgery on Tuesday . I am grateful for modern medicine and doctors who can perform life - saving operations . I am grateful for the power of the priesthood which Noah 's father holds . I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and a loving Savior who have the power to heal our bodies and our hearts . I know that they weep for little Noah at this time just like I do . " Come unto me , all ye that labour and are heavy laden , and I will give you rest . Take my yoke upon you , and learn of me ; for I am meek and lowly in heart : and ye shall find rest unto your souls . For my yoke is easy and my burden is light . " I 'm on vacation ! Yay ! Kristel and I are taking a break from life , shopping a lot , laughing a lot and attending Time Out For Women this weekend . At one point in our search for awesome stores today we got all turned around but luckily Kristel 's GPS on her phone came to our rescue and led us the right way without us going too far out of our way . That GPS lady sure is smart . She knows exactly the right way to go ! I am also super grateful for all the people back home that are making this vacation happen for me , particularly Chris and also my Mom for her help with the boys . And of course for Kristel for being the kind of friend that I can do something like this with . And now I must sleep so I have lots of energy for tomorrow : ) Today I taught 7 of my 13 students with 5 of them all in a row because I am going out of town tomorrow morning and had to shuffle things around a bit . Five in a row is a lot for my kids to handle and even lot for me as I start to feel brain fatigue , but today was really not bad . Luckily I have an awesome student who trades her lessons for taking care of the kids while I am teaching other students . I don 't know what I would do without her ! In the last 6 months I have almost doubled the amount of students I had and it has been largely due to this girl that I have been able to do it . I really do enjoy teaching and even though it can be stressful and exhausting sometimes , it is also really rewarding . Today one of my violin students played a song entirely in tune with relatively good hand position which is something we have been working on pretty much exclusively since she started with me at the beginning of the school year . I can 't even express how pleased and proud that made me ! I was also able to work with one of my students on the new practicing system and I know she is the type to do what I ask her to do so I really hope she has good success with it . She is going to be kind of my guinea pig and so I 'm excited to see where that goes . This picture is really blurry which is super irritating , ( I didn 't properly explain how to use my camera before I handed it to my dad . . . my bad ! ) but I wanted to put it up anyway . My students were all so cute and did such a good job when we had our Halloween recital in October , and I am grateful for the opportunity to teach them and to continually try to improve as a teacher . I started helping Isaac keep a journal which he loves ! He asks me to write in it quite often and he always says things that make me laugh and I make sure to write them exactly as he tells them to me . He really likes to recount his dreams , so a lot of it is a dream journal and he often talks about parties he is going to have and who he is going to invite . Here are a few of my favorites ( although it really is hard to chose ) : I had a dream that I had flowers in my bed growing while I was sleeping and I was watering the plant . I had a dream about I was sleeping in a vase . I 'm having a party . I was awake in my bed dreaming that I was eating bread and eating some corn . I have a plant growing but it died . I am so unhappy . I wish they wouldn 't die . I have balloons for my party . They are on my brick tree where I am selling bricks . Oct . 28 , 2013 The funniest thing I ever dreamed : I dreamed that I was in November 15 when I had the 3rd birthday that I was turning ten . I had a dream that all the people were naked in the store but one was a ghost that had a blanket over it and it was a dementor . Well it was a person but it was dressed up as a dementor . I am going to be Woody for Halloween and I am going to bring my gun . It was fun going to the Trunk - or - Treat and getting all that candy . It was also fun eating the soup and I also ate a roll . I cooked stuff in a pretend pan for my friends that are almonds . I am learning so much of one of my friend 's songs . It 's called " Sew your shirt together because it ripped . " Ummmmmm I love so much . . . . I love Paige . Well she is my best friend well sometimes she doesn 't play with me because I am gone , but she usually comes to the Ammon Pool with me . Also when I had this crazy dream , one of the stores was made out of ghosts . Then it built up with wood . But then it turned into a GREAT BIG GHOST ! And everyone was sucked up except for one who went to a bad , bad ghost and a bad , bad guy . This kids imagination is wild ! But he is always good for a laugh . I hope he 'll continue to write in his journal because it 's fun to get a little glimpse of what is going on in his 4 - year - old head . Today I asked my sweet William to spend some time cleaning up his bedroom while I was teaching lessons . While I was teaching I could hear that he had turned on an audio book , and since he usually just sits at the computer and listens I figured he hadn 't done what I asked . After I finished teaching and was about to go downstairs he ran up and told me he had a surprise and I needed to close my eyes . He held my hand as we went down the stairs and then said , " OPEN " . When I opened my eyes I saw that not only had he cleaned his room like I asked , but had also cleaned up the rest of the basement . He has started doing things like this lately and it has been so nice ! It really makes me happy ( duh ) and I can tell it makes him really happy to do . Like I said a while ago , he once went around and offered to take everyone 's plates off of the table which he has done again since then . He also often responds to things I ask him to do with , " Sure ! I 'd love to ! " He is generally happy to help with Elijah and really is a sweet older brother . Several times I have seen Elijah lay his head in William 's lap and William rub Elijah 's back , or Elijah giving him a big hug . It is very sweet . Of course William can still be quite whiny and has a lot of times where he doesn 't really want to be helpful , but more and more I am seeing this considerate , thoughtful , mature little boy show through and it is really fun to see . Classic William face I am really grateful for my kids today ! I took them to Stake Conference by myself which I 've been dreading for days and they were SOOOO good ! I couldn 't believe it . Elijah was really good for the first hour , but then was pretty done , but the other boys were so good sitting there quietly coloring and playing with legos that I was able to take him out and let him wander the halls for a while which helped a lot . Isaac started disintegrating about the last 10 minutes but he had been so good the rest of the time that I was able to deal with that without getting frustrated . It seemed like a miracle and also made me realize how much my boys are growing up . Posted by Today was sort of one - of - those - days . Not that my kids were extra naughty or anything really bad happened ( other than slamming my finger in the door - ouch ! ) , I just wasn 't feeling it today you know ? And although I 'm pretty ready for today to be over ( but at the same time dreading tomorrow which consists of me taking the kids to stake conference by myself ) there are a few things that I did enjoy about today . 1 - I spent some time coloring with Isaac . He is such a funny kid and can drive me up the wall sometimes , but his imagination and ideas are endless and it is so fun when I get a chance to just sit down and enjoy some time with him . He is always the director , whether we are playing blocks or coloring or whatever , he tells exactly how it is all supposed to be done . And I am happy to be his assistant and do whatever he tells me to do . I figure he gets bossed around enough I better let him have a chance to be the boss when I can . 2 - Isaac got sent to bed a little before William , and I put Elijah down at the same time , which left me time to read to William all by himself which is rare . It was nice to just snuggle with him and read , even though after a little while Elijah started screaming in the background . I really love how much William loves books . He is really getting the hang of reading himself now and is trying to read just about everything , so I 'm sure it won 't be long before he is reading books to himself . I hope he 'll continue to like having me read to him though . 4 - I was asked to play the violin at a funeral for a gentleman in our ward this morning . It was really nice to be asked and I felt honored to be a part of it . I also love it when I have an excuse and a chance to practice . The presenter was one of the newer piano professors at BYU - I and he taught how to teach students to practice . I loved the presentation because he gave such a systematic approach to teaching your students and I could see how helpful it will be if I can teach my students to practice this way . He gave measurable goals , and really broke the music down in a way that if the student follows the plan success is virtually guaranteed . It was interesting because although I feel like I teach many of the same practice techniques and use the same way to solve problems in my teaching that he taught , I could see how having a step by step plan for the students to follow makes so much sense and could put together the things I had been teaching them more haphazardly into something simple and clear for them to follow . His plan addresses every issue from the notes and the rhythms , hand position , technique , dynamics , phrasing , articulation . . . everything ! All in one plan that I can make a chart of . I decided that I am going to go through one of my books of shorter classical pieces and teach them to myself using this plan and see how it goes for me at the same time that I am going to start teaching it to my students . One thing he said that stood out to me as a new way of thinking is that the musicality of a piece of music cannot be done just by intuition . Although some people have really good intuition , it is still never going to be exactly what it should be unless you decided deliberately and specifically exactly what you want to do with each phrase , and build up the muscle memory to be able to do it . I knew this before on some level of course , but the way he explained it , and the way he explained how to practice it was really kind of a revelation to me . Anyway , it really made me happy that I was able to attend that workshop today and I hope that I will be able to use the things I learned to improve my skills as a teacher and as a performer . Although I really miss the learning environment at college , I am glad to be able to continue my studies through workshops and through reading and simply by trial and error in my own teaching . The other day I was going running with my friend Kristel and as I was walking out the door I called to Chris , " The Baby is in the back yard , just so you know . " Kristel just started laughing at me and said that maybe we should start calling him Elijah . I couldn 't figure out what she was talking about , but then realized that it might sound kind of funny to someone who didn 't know I was talking about my 16 month old . I 'm not sure that Elijah will ever grow out of being " Baby " . We all call him that , although I have started using his name more than I did before . We love having our baby boy and hope that it is a while before he starts resenting the nickname . He is such a funny , quirky , opinionated , squishy , hamball of a baby . I am totally biased , but every day I think he has hit his cuteness limit but he always comes up with even more endearing stunts the next day . Some of the things he 's been doing lately are : - Calling the chickens in a funny little high pitched voice . He makes his chicken call while sitting at his high chair and then tosses the food on the ground like he thinks they are going to come inside and eat it . It 's hilarious , though I do wish it didn 't make quite such a mess . He has a love / hate relationship with both the chickens and William 's parakeets . He loves them , calls them , watches them incessently , but if they make any sudden movements or come to close to him totally freaks out and screams hysterically . - He loves to give hugs and kisses . The kisses are slobbery but oh so sweet . - Playing chase . The other day I was saying , " I 'm going to get you " as I was chasing him around . When I got distracted for a little while he came up to me and said , " GIT CHOO " and then ran away squealing . - Saying " thank you " both verbally and with the sign . He perfected this one on Halloween . He absolutely loved the fact that person after person was handing him candy . - Grabbing his nose and anybody else 's who gets close enough . He has been fascinated with noses since he figured out about them . - Being super possessive of his dirty diapers . He INSISTS on throwing them away himself , and for a while was refusing to put them in the garbage and would cry hysterically whenever I would throw them in . Luckily he has gotten over that and now just has to throw it in himself . And a million other cute things . I can 't believe how much fun we have with him . It 's not like he is always happy , or sleeps super well , but for some reason watching him grow and learn new things has been an incredibly fulfilling , joyful experience . Not that it wasn 't with my other boys , but I feel like I have a different sort of appreciation for it now that I have some older kids too . I was thinking today about what our life would be like without him and the thought was so bleak and sad ! He choked on something ( I 'm not sure what ) and I was of course a mess about it for a few minutes until he managed to get it all the way down . We would all be lost without our sweet baby . He really is like a ray of sunshine in our lives ! Yeah . That 's me . NOT the brightest crayon in the box . On Wednesdays I teach piano and violin lessons to 3 sisters and I go to their house to teach . When I got there and was taking out my violin I realized that my bow was not in my case . I could not figure out what in the world could have happened to it ! I thought back and realized that I hadn 't ( so I thought ) had it out since I had taught at their house the week before because my other violin students hadn 't come that week . So I thought maybe I had left it , but they hadn 't seen it and it wasn 't in any of their cases . I then thought maybe my boys had taken it out of the case at some point but when I asked them if they had played with it they told me very wide eyed and convincingly that they hadn 't touched it at all . I decided to believe them until I had evidence that they were guilty . I 'm glad I did . I tried not to panic and went on with my lessons ( using one of their bows ) . After I got home I only had about 10 minutes until I had another student come , but I spent it looking under couches and behind the piano to no avail . I kept going over the week in my mind trying to think if there could possibly be another time I had had my violin out but couldn 't think of anything . So I taught another two lessons and still tried not to panic . Finally after I was done teaching I told my mom what was going on and asked if she had any ideas or had possibly seen my kids with it . She said . . . " Well , you had it in church on Sunday . Did you leave it on the sacrament bench ? " And then it dawned on me . I had played the violin in sacrament meeting as part of the primary program on Sunday . And I had moved my violin from the bench to the floor when the primary president came to sit by me during the closing song . And then I had picked up my violin and gone in the little back room by the choir seats where my case was and had laid the bow on the counter while I put the violin away and had ( probably ) forgotten to put it in the case . As soon as Chris got home I ran over to the church and sure enough ! There was my bow on the counter . Someone had obviously seen it and moved it over to the side , but it was there . So today I am grateful that despite my . . . what is it exactly that I have ? Dementia ? 3kid - itis ? Not enough sleep syndrome ? I did NOT lose the bow to my violin . I am also grateful that I didn 't keep accusing my kids of something they didn 't have anything to do with . And I 'm grateful for my mom who could retrace my steps when I couldn 't . I am a little worried that I will become a complete zombie if I have any more kids . Posted by Chris cleaned my car out for me today . It really makes me happy to drive a clean car . Especially when I didn 't have to clean it myself . : ) Posted by Although I do sort of mean to have this whole gratitude theme going with these posts , sometimes it is more fitting to talk about things that made me happy in the day or ways in which I saw the hand of the Lord . I am very grateful for the things that make me happy , or which help me to see the hand of the Lord , but that isn 't necessarily inherently obvious when I tell about what happened . I guess to me it is all tied in together and interconnected . As I sat down to write this evening I was trying to decide what to write about and nothing immediately came to mind . Sure , I can think of plenty of things I am grateful for , but nothing in particular to today that stands out to me . I suppose that is horrible because I should be feeling a huge amount of gratitude to our service men and women , but like I said that didn 't particularly stand out in my life TODAY . Normally the time when I am trying to get dinner on is the worst / craziest time of day for me . Often I have just finished teaching lessons and so my kids have already had to fend for themselves for a while , and then I am trying to hurry and get dinner , and wanting them to continue fending for themselves for a while longer . This usually leads to meltdowns , a baby standing at my feet crying , William and Isaac making as much noise and being as underfoot as possible and trying continually to get snacks out which drives me crazy since I am preparing a meal right then ! Often they turn the CD player on with whatever music / audiobook is in it and while it is going and the baby is crying they either play the piano or play some kind of battle game where they run screaming all around the kitchen and living room . Talk about sensory overload to an already tired Mom ! But today was relatively peaceful . The baby played pretty happily with Isaac . William practiced his piano and although he turned the CD on he was often playing with it which made it much nicer . Isaac then made up a little game that he and William played and although it was a little underfoot in the kitchen it wasn 't overwhelming because it wasn 't super loud . In the middle of their game I asked them to clear and set the table , and William 's response was " Okay Mom . I 'll do whatever you want me to do . " Ummmmmm ? ? ? Okay ? ? The whole time felt so much more peaceful than it normally does and I really noticed and appreciated the difference . Even after dinner , when they tend to go right back to their hyper - craziness was nice and calm . William got engrossed in making a card for Lyndon ( our adopted grandpa ) to say thank you for his service in the military , Isaac was engrossed in his bird cage he was making out of wire racks and blankets , and Elijah played happily in his high chair while I got a fair amount of the kitchen clean and the food put away . Usually I don 't have the slightest chance of doing that stuff until after they are in bed . So that little moment is what I am grateful for today . And now , I am very tired and desire to go to bed , so I am not going to proof read this . If it is incoherent you know why . Goodnight ! Posted by But really , it went very well . We have a small primary ( 30 kids ) and for the last several years they haven 't even attempted to have the kids sing without someone holding up the words of the songs for them to see . This year they did it all without any flip charts or pictures ! One lady told me that she was sure there must have been angels singing with the kids because it was such a full sound for so few kids . I am sure there were ! Another older gentleman in our ward told my dad that it was the best primary program he has ever seen . He also commented that he very much enjoyed watching Isaac 's antics ( a comment I heard several times afterward ) . Apparently Isaac was quite amusing to watch . I wasn 't watching him much because I was busy helping the kids at the microphone , but every once in a while during the songs I would hear him suddenly yell out the song at the top of his lungs . He got super shy for his first part and wouldn 't say it , but his second one he spoke right up into the microphone . Crazy kid ! You never know what to expect from him . I " wrote " the program , but really provided prompts and had most of the kids write their own parts . One of my favorite lines was a 4 year old who said , " Prophets teach me to live the Word of Wisdom . Obeying the Word of Wisdom means that we don 't smoke or drink coffee , but we can eat lettuce . " Ha ha ! Isn 't that the truth ? We can always eat lettuce . Several people said they also enjoyed William 's part where he said " I am William . I am a fly fisherman , but most importantly I am a child of God . " Apparently hearing " I am a fly fisherman " come out of a ( small ) six year old 's mouth is quite amusing . William had his 2 parts memorized this morning and he said the first one about being a fly fisherman just fine , but when it got to the second one he had to go to the bathroom really bad . So his teacher prompted him the words since he couldn 't concentrate on it , and then he jetted out to go to the bathroom . We had a brother ( 7 ) and sister ( 5 ) come and participate in our program who have only recently started attending church . It was really wonderful to see their shining faces and hear their simple words of testimony . I love hearing the basic truths of the gospel shared by the children in our church . It is such a blessing to be in the primary . These kids strengthen my testimony and teach me every week . Posted by Today was a beautiful day ! It was sunny and warm with no wind . We took advantage of the sunshine and worked outside as a family to finish up getting all the stuff in the yard put away , the lawn mowed and mulch and leaves put on the garden . It was so nice to be outside all afternoon working with my family . The boys helped rake leaves and pick up apples . Even Elijah helped pick up leaves and put them in the wheelbarrow ! I always have a great sense of satisfaction when I am working ( especially when I can see progress being made ) , but working outside in the sunshine is even more fulfilling , especially when Chris and the boys are working alongside me . I am so grateful today was so nice and that we got all the work done . I will be able to look out the back door now with satisfaction at how nice it looks without stressing that it will start snowing before we get the yard ready . Here are a few pictures I caught with my phone today : I started teaching William to play the piano around the beginning of the school year and he has really taken off with it . It is so fun to see him excited about playing , and gratifying to see how quickly he catches on and what a good sense for music he has . Often the first thing he does when he goes upstairs in the morning is to sit down at the piano , and he goes back to it constantly throughout the day . Isaac has also been " taking lessons " although with him I do a lot more little games , or whatever he decides our lesson should be for the day . William insisted on me teaching him one of the songs from Harry Potter , and he has in turn taught Isaac the beginning of it . On Sunday at the end of church just after we finished practicing for the primary program , Isaac sat down at the piano and played the Harry Potter song and it was so funny to see his primary teacher 's ( also a piano teacher ) look of surprise when she saw who it was playing . In the last few weeks we have started listening to the Suzuki piano book 1 CD and also listening to the CD that goes with the Alfred book I 've been teaching William from . Between them playing the piano and the CD 's being played the music is pretty continuous . Sometimes it gets a little old , but for the most part I absolutely love it . It makes me smile to hear William sing " Hey Rock and Roll Man " along with the CD and to hear him try to figure out some of the harder songs we haven 't gotten to yet ( and he usually can figure them out ) . I don 't even mind listening to the Twinkle Variations over and over because I LOVE that they like to listen to them . Even Elijah gets into the music . He always dances to it , and lately has started " singing " along with the Suzuki CD in the car . I can 't even stand how cute it is . Tonight while running an errand , I had the classical music station on in the car and at first they were playing songs from musicals which is always fun to listen to . They then started playing music from movies with political themes which isn 't quite as exciting as The Lion King , butPosted by Today I am grateful that I know I can trust the Lord with my life . I am a planner . I like to know what is coming with the future and have it all figured out . But I have found that I am really not very good at figuring out my own life and things don 't often go according to my plans . I have also found that circumstances I would never have placed myself in have brought blessings I couldn 't have imagined . Back when Chris was going through the Seminary program I had a night where I was really really discouraged . All I wanted was for him to get hired by the church , for us to be able to settle down somewhere and for us to have the stability afforded by having that kind of job . I had this beautiful , happy future all envisioned in my head , but it just didn 't seem to be working out . Chris was discouraged about teaching , the economy had tanked and the church wasn 't hiring , and everything looked kind of bleak . I felt so angry that God wouldn 't want my perfect plan for a happy family to work out ! That evening , in the midst of my anxiety and frustration and anger , I had one of the most clear revelations that I have ever had . The Lord told me directly that even if things didn 't work out the way I wanted them to , it didn 't mean that he didn 't want me to be happy . In fact , it meant the opposite . I was told that Heavenly Father wants for my family what will make us the most happy and what will be the best for us . He told me that He had amazing blessings waiting for us in our future . I will never forget the revelation of that night . The inspiration incredibly clear , and the comfort immediate . When Chris didn 't get hired to teach Seminary we both felt amazing peace about it . I think all the other guys who didn 't get hired at the same time and even the teachers thought we were a little crazy because we were calm , and even happy about it . We have come down a long road since then in a direction I never could have foreseen . And it is true that we really have been showered with blessings . Not necessarily the kind of blessings I was looking for at the time , but ones that I am very grateful for nonetheless . Now , once again , we find ourselves at the same sort of crossroads . Chris has submitted applications to PA school and we are just waiting . Although I feel much as I did the last time - I really want him to get accepted and for us to be able to move on and make plans - this time I feel much more ability to trust my Heavenly Father . I feel so much more peace in my heart knowing that his plan for our family might be something different than my plan , but that it 's okay because He will always take care of us . He always has . Posted by Honestly , today the thing I am the most grateful for is bedtime . First my kids , then mine . It wasn 't a bad day at all , just a go - go - go sort of day . I had in mind what I was grateful for all day , but then this evening had several other things that came to mind as well . But I guess I 'll stick with what I woke up feeling grateful for . Daylight Savings . I know , I 'm weird . I 'm supposed to hate it , but honestly having it be getting light in the morning when I 'm getting up is really nice for me . It makes me much more likely to want to get out of bed and much more cheerful about starting the day . And yes , I know that we really just went back to the normal time and so if we had just stuck to it through the summer it would have been this way anyway , but sometimes I think the change is nice . Without it changing , I probably wouldn 't have noticed the light this morning to be grateful for it . No , I don 't really like losing an hour of sleep in the springtime , and no I don 't love having it be dark by 5 at night , but I do think I may have it easier than some people who hate daylight savings in a few ways : 1 - My kids aren 't super early risers , so even with the time change they aren 't up at a ridiculous hour . Sunday morning the bigger boys were up at 6 : 45 and the baby slept till almost 8 . Not really anything to complain about . 2 - My kids are fairly flexible in their routine so the time change doesn 't throw them off too much . Although they do have a regular routine for the day , the times we do things already fluctuate an hour or so either way , and my kids deal with it fine , so they aren 't too thrown off by an hour time change . For instance , they are almost always in bed between 8 - 9 at night . Some nights it is right at 8 : 00 , and some nights it is 9 : 00 and some nights it is in between . Some mornings they are up at 7 , some they sleep in till 8 and occasionally William will even sleep till 9 . So really , an hour either way doesn 't bother them too much . It really has never been a big deal at all . Today I am feeling grateful for the school William is going to . I really really agonized over the decision of whether to send him to school or to homeschool him this year , and then again where I should send him . Long story short , we decided to send him to a Montessori Charter school that is conveniently pretty close to where we live . I was a little apprehensive about it , but after observing the kindergarten class at the end of last year I felt a lot of peace about sending him there and have been more and more pleased with the decision as he has gotten further into the school year . I try to volunteer in his classroom once a week , and this morning I went in and was reminded how glad I was to have him in the school . I know that it isn 't a perfect school or anything , and having a public montessori school isn 't ideal , but I have been so pleased that his class is organized , and calm and that he obviously understands what he is supposed to be working on . I love that his teacher really teaches them to be self sufficient in their work and that they can all work at things according to the level they are at instead of having to catch everyone up to the same level before they go on . It 's fun to have William show me the things he is working on and see how excited he is to show me what he can do . A few days ago I was talking to a friend who 's son is in the class William would have been in at the regular school and she was telling me how disorganized and chaotic the whole class is and how frustrated she has been so far . I had also heard this same sort of thing from parents who had their kids in this class last year . So this morning when I walked into William 's bright , sunlit ( his school has huge windows that let in a ton of natural light ) , interestingly and aesthetically set up classroom with children who were well behaved and understood their regular routine it just made me really happy ! I 'm glad to know that he is starting his school experience this way . I am also grateful that because William has to go to school in the morning I have to get up early and get the day started quickly . Although generally I always was a morning person , the combination of having kids who keep me up at night and having a night - owl husband has really gotten me out of the habit of utilizing my morning hours . This is something that I constantly regret , but haven 't been able to get myself to change . Now I 'm glad I don 't have a choice . I don 't know what kind of schooling we will do with our kids in the future . We will more than likely do different things at different times , but I am grateful that our first school experience has been so positive thus far . Posted by Still , it is always a bummer knowing that as soon as we get home from church Chris will have to hurry and eat , and then run off to work . So today it was a wonderful surprise when we got home from church and Chris had a message saying that they didn 't have enough patients for him to have to come in for his shift . Yay ! And then we proceeded to have a wonderful , relaxing Sunday afternoon and evening . The older boys actually played quietly and listened to an audio book while the Baby slept , and I got to snuggle with Chris and even take a little nap . It still seems like such a luxury to have Chris all to myself two days in a row . Like being rich ! Posted by Chris has worked on Saturdays for a long time . And for a long time he has been so busy working and going to school that the kids often went days at a time without seeing him . In July Chris got a job working for the hospital in addition to his satellite job , and since his school was then significantly less he started working 60 - 70 hours a week between the two jobs . On top of that , he came down with a bad case of Shingles , and was dealing ( and is still dealing ) with the effects from that . Although we were enjoying having a good income again , since we had gone so long with him working a minimal amount , I started urging him to take Saturdays off work . He was reluctant because of the income , but we knew his health was suffering , and I also knew our family was suffering . And those things are just more important than money . So for the last month Chris has had Saturdays off . And we love it . It is so nice to have a whole day with him every week ! Today he made waffles for breakfast while I was at a baptism , and then spent time working in the yard with the boys while I worked inside . Later we took a walk at the river and went to the store as a family . When we came home he helped me make dinner , and then did the dishes afterward . Last week we went hiking with some friends and their kids . I don 't remember the last time we were able to do something like that with another family . I know that at some point we will probably have to give up our Saturdays again , but for now I am just going to enjoy them and try not to take them for granted . The money we give up is nothing compared to the satisfaction and joy gained from having Chris home with us . Posted by I find that I really struggle this time of year . I have a hard time when it starts getting cold outside , and my kids don 't want to go out to play , and when it gets dark so much earlier . Isaac gets very " busy " ( read destructive and aggressive ) when he is bored and cooped up inside and he and William get on each others nerves a lot more easily . It really tries my patience , and I find myself short tempered , easily frustrated and irritable . So this is a perfect time of year for me to make a deliberate effort to focus on the positive . Today I am thankful for the public library . Seriously , it is the coolest thing ever that for free ( yes , I understand that we pay taxes and that I also continually pay fines for late movies . . . but you know what I mean ) we have access to thousands and thousands of books , and movies , and audiobooks and ebooks . And there is the internet access , and educational activities for kids , and summer reading programs , and story time , and all the other cool stuff at the library . And the fish . My kids love the fish at the library , and I remember loving them when I was a kid . We went to the library today , and I picked up a book I am excited to read about teaching violin . I have started teaching violin lessons again and since it 's been quite a while since I taught or took lessons myself I am a little out of my comfort zone and have been doing quite a bit of study on the subject . It 's awesome that I can jump online and find all sorts of videos and posts and suggestions , but I also think it is awesome that I can check out books . There is just something about being able to physically turn pages and carry a book around with you that I 'm not sure I 'll ever quite be able to replace with a smartphone . My kids did their usual things when we got there - the older boys ran in ahead of me while I got Elijah in the stroller , and were attempting to drive the motorized wheelchairs by the time I got in the doors . After yet another lecture about how the wheelchairs are not toys we returned our over due movies and proceeded upstairs to pick out some new ones , stopping for a minute first to check out the fish . Typically Isaac chose his movie in about 1 minute and proceeded to run all around and pull a bunch more off the shelves while William agonized over his decision . He absolutely refuses to try any movies I suggest and acts as if this will be his only chance to ever pick a movie in his whole entire life . This happens every . single . time . Finally when Elijah was trying to climb out of the stroller , and Isaac had run off somewhere I turned around to leave and William grabbed wildly for a movie and ran after me . Once I located Isaac we headed upstairs to get my book which I did as quickly as humanly possible to minimize the amount of time Elijah had to pull books off the shelves , which he can do in those narrow isles , and we headed back down the ramp to pick out children 's books . The boys grabbed the first few books they saw , Isaac insisting that his pet dinosaur also needed a book , then ran off to the computers to play games while I checked everything out and the sweet librarian oogled Elijah . Later , when we were eating dinner I was really considering putting on a movie for the kids to hold them over until bedtime . Chris wasn 't going to be home till late and I was tired and didn 't feel up to the general evening shenanigans . . But then I saw our library bag full of books and instead of a movie we sat down and read through all the new books they had chosen . And even though each of the big boys ended up in time out at some point in our reading , and the baby dumped water all over the kitchen table , chairs and floor , I was able to keep my temper and enjoy having my kids snuggled up to me . It really was a blessing to look over and see that full bag of books and know that I had something peaceful that we would all enjoy doing for the rest of the evening . Our cute library bag my SIL gave me , and a book about chickens . The big boys always get a book about chickens for Elijah if they see one because they know he loves chickens so much . Posted by How is it possible that this little boy is a month away from being a one year old ? It seems incredible to me ! But then again , when I think about it , the nine months I was pregnant with him seemed to last at least 2 years so maybe this last year has just been catch up and time will slow down after this . Just hanging out with Grandpa He is still very attached to Mom , although he is independent when he wants to be . He has started getting more confident standing on his own , especially when he is busy with something and isn 't paying attention . He has also taken a few steps in the last few days , although after one or two he sits down to crawl . It 's just so much faster ! I couldn 't resist this one . I love that cute little body , especially the puckered cheeks and the tippie toes . He folds his arms when we pray . Cutest thing ever ! His tongue is constantly sticking out . He 's basically a little puppy dog crawling all over the place with his tongue out and eating everything off the floor . Gross ! Still no teeth , although his top two are starting to look pretty bulgy . I can also feel something starting to push up on the bottom and today his cheeks were rashy and his diapers yucky . Maybe we 'll just get it all over with at once ? I 'm pretty sure he did his first attempt at a sign the other day . He was definitely gesturing at his mouth and was obviously crying for a drink . . . so yeah . I concluded it was his attempt to sign " drink " . He also kind of does the " all done " sign , although I 'm not sure if he is saying all done or just wringing his hands in frustration that he can 't get down from his chair . He has developed a certain controlled scream that he does deliberately if he is not happy about something . He has recently started sobbing and dramatically holding his arms out to me when he wants me to pick him up and the other day he was started screaming at Isaac because Isaac had a toy he wanted . I swear it starts younger with each one . He loves to dance ! Turn on music and this kid will wave his arms , bend his knees and move his hips like nobody 's business . He has also definitely entered the " destruction " phase . He can pull everything off the shelves , out of the cabinets , out of toy boxes ( especially when we are trying to clean up ) and so forth quite happily . He loves attention and will ham it up if everyone is watching him . He also loves to flirt , especially with the people behind us in sacrament meeting . He sleeps - erratically . When he was a little baby he was an excellent sleeper and I had high hopes for him . But alas , no . I pretty much can 't count on anything , although he does seem to be getting better and better about taking more regular naps . Not so much on the night sleeping thing . The one thing I CAN always count on is that he will wake up as soon as I lay down and start to relax . Without fail , no matter what time it is . We call him " Baby " and refer to him as " the Baby " more than we use his actual name . Loving swimming at our Hotel in West Yellowstone He loves his brothers so much . He especially loves when they get down on the floor and play follow the leader crawling style . They can make him laugh like crazy ! He had his first haircut last week . I wanted his hair trimmed up because it was pretty uneven and crazy , but then I was so sad after we did it . I loved his cute little soft curls in the back and it just made him seem so much more grown up to have it trimmed up like the other boys . The thing is , I actually really enjoy cleaning , organizing and de - junking . Just not so much with the kids around . Katherine had the big boys over last week and I was able to get so much done , even with the baby . When they came home quotes like , " trying to clean the house when kids are little is like trying to brush your teeth while eating oreos , " and " trying to clean the house while the kids are little is like trying to shovel snow in an avalanch " kept coming to my mind . I was able to get their room done , though , including de - junking their toys , rotating clothes , cleaning their mattresses with baking soda and lavender , cleaning out closet and drawers , and behind their bed . Seriously , if I am ever missing something I will look behind / under their bed first thing , because that 's probably where it 'll be . Their room was the very worst so I feel really good about getting it done . Too bad they aren 't as keen on keeping it clean as I am . After their room was finished I moved onto my room . The problem with this room is I 've had to do it little by little since Elijah sleeps in there and I can 't work while he 's sleeping . I much prefer just getting in and getting it done , but since lately he 's become persnickety about where / how / sleepingingeneral there isn 't much I can do about it . So right now my room is in a semi state of organization . Hopefully I will get it finished by spring cleaning time next year . In the past few weeks we 've found Isaac asleep in several funny places . The first one was after church . We had all been eating and talking in the kitchen when I suddenly realized that Isaac was being very quiet . We went looking for him and it took us a few minutes to realize that he was under the baby blanket in the living room . I thought he was just hiding , and so I started acting like I couldn 't find him , but uncharacteristically I didn 't hear any giggling or see any wiggling in response . It was then that I realized he was actually sound asleep under that little blanket . Haha ! These next two were both times that he was supposed to be asleep in his bed , and Chris and I had gone upstairs and then came down a while later to find him asleep playing with legos under a blanket : It 's hard to believe our Elijah baby is almost 8 1 / 2 months old . I hate that this baby stage is going by so quickly , and it seems even quicker with him because he is so anxious to keep up with his brothers . He started crawling a few weeks ago and was starting to pull himself up on things even before that . Neither of the other boys were even close to this mobile at his age so it 's a new experience . I just want to kiss that face ! A funny little story : Last night a little while after I had put Elijah to bed , I was upstairs and started hearing him crying . I knew Chris was downstairs and figured he would take care of it , but the crying went on and on and got louder so I finally went downstairs to investigate . Sure enough , Chris was in the room with him trying to calm him down . I stood at the door ( semi - open ) and listened to Chris talk to him when he suddenly said , " you little stinker ! " and came out . He looked at me standing there and said , " He keeps crying at the door . He started crying louder when I came in and then just keeps craning his head around and crying at the door . " As soon as I walked in , Elijah stopped crying , gave me a big grin and acted all excited . All I did was sit down in the rocking chair and hum a little tune and he settled himself right back down and was asleep again in about 5 minutes . Little stinker ! Here 's a video of Elijah 's bath tonight . He get 's so excited when I turn the bath water on and then starts splashing like crazy the minute he goes in . And yes , he does fall toward the end ( oops - my bad for holding the camera ! ) but notice it doesn 't phase him a bit . Crazy kid ! July 12 , 2012Mom : Isaac , you just seem like such a sturdy , solid little boy . Isaac ( indignantly ) : I 'm not a dirty salad ! July 29 , 2011William : " Tim , when you get married to a girl , you won 't need your guitar anymore . " Tim : " Why do you say that ? William : " Well , my Dad got married and he doesn 't need his guitar anymore . " July 24 , 2011 ( singing ) " Here comes the oxcart oh so slow . . . ( speaking ) Tim , EVERY kid wants to be an ox ! " May 4 , 2011We were sitting at the table eating lunch , and I was lost in thought about something and probably had a " zoning " look on my face . William suddenly started laughing and said , " Mom , your face looks funny ! It looks like there is a dream in your eye ! ! " May 4 , 2011William found Chris 's stud finder , and he kept putting it on the walls and hitting the button and saying he was " looking for studmeisters " . My favorite was when he put it on Isaac 's head and said , " I 'm looking for a studmeister in Isaac 's head ! ! " April 7 , 2011William let out a toot as we were standing at the counter working on something . I said " excuse you " and he said " excuse me " , and then said , " It 's okay mom . It just means I 'm out of gas . " February 2011 ( To Chris ) " Dad , Mom is nicer than you . She fixes my truck . " January 2011Grandma Hall and William were playing with some blocks that Chris made a couple of years ago , and Grandma asked him , " William , do you know who made these blocks ? " William promptly replied , " Jesus ! " She then explained that Jesus had made the trees that the wood came from , but Daddy had built the blocks . Later when Chris came home the first thing Will said was , " Jesus made the wood , but you made the blocks ! ! ! " January 2011William , holding a piece of paper from a note pad in his hand said to Chris " Do you want to know what my computer says ? It says : Dear Dad , please do not be afraid of the lion . " 6 - 24 - 10I made William a sandwich for lunch , and he was eating it while I made myself one . When I sat down I bowed my head and said a little silent prayer . While doing so , William kept asking me what I was doing . When I finished I Simple theme . Powered by Blogger . |
It was about 8 o ' clock in the morning when Ryan Hayes left the hospital . He would let Nathan into Elisabeth 's penthouse in Sandy Grotto then grab some of his daughter 's things before heading back to the hospital . The doctor had said she was on the mend , but right now she needed her dad . " I know it 's a bit much , " Hayes said as he opened the penthouse door , " but it 's my little girl 's first place of her own . I admit I spoil her , but what can I say ? She 's all I have left . " " Polished wood floors in the living room , carpet in the bedrooms , and marble tile in the kitchen and bathrooms , " Hayes announced . " At 3400 square feet , my girl 's got lots of room . If she had asked , I 'd probably have bought two . The main bedroom is Elisabeth 's , but there are two spare bedrooms . Choose whichever one you want . I have groceries delivered , and a cleaning service comes in every two weeks . " " It is ! Anyway , I 'm talking your ear off . I 'm going to throw a few things in a suitcase and get back to Elisabeth . Do you have anything to unpack ? " Hayes asked . " I insist ! It 's the least I can do . Mind you if you refuse , I 'll just have to guess your size , " Hayes laughed . " You look exhausted , Nathan . Go get some rest . I 'm just going to jump in the shower then get back to the hospital . I 'll lock up behind me , " Hayes smiled , patting Nathan 's shoulder . While Hayes headed off for Elisabeth 's room , Nathan chose one of the spare bedrooms and collapsed on the bed without bothering to take off his shoes . Glancing at the clock , he saw the blue digital numbers change to 9 : 00 a . m . He was out before 9 : 01 . When Nathan came to , he was lying on the hood of a car looking up . The clouds were a mix of black and deep blue . His head ached , his joints were sore , and he felt as though a great weight were pressing down on him . Slowly he sat up and saw that he was dressed in combat fatigues and a gas mask with a rifle at his side . Dead bodies and stalled cars filled the streets , and the pavement was buckled and cracked . Some buildings lay in piles of rubble while others stood undamaged . Nathan slid off the car , bracing himself against the hood as he struggled to stand under the weight of the gear . When he walked around to the side of the car , he glanced at his reflection in the glass . Lifting the gas mask , he was shocked to discover that the face staring back at him was not his own . " Don 't be stupid , rookie ! You know what 's going on . Captain wants to brief us before we move out , and I was sent to find your dumb butt , " Gold complained as he lead Nathan through the store 's aisles past armed soldiers standing guard in pairs . " Why do I get stuck with the idiots ? " Gold grumbled as he walked through a pair of swinging back doors into the storage area . Standing before a large map facing a platoon of soldiers was Captain Stanley Dukes . " At 0100 hours , a scout returned with intel on more food and supplies . I don 't have to tell you how important this is . The enemy is heavily guarding this location , so we 're going to split into teams . Team Alpha will make a direct assault while Team Beta and Charlie will hit the flank . Team Delta will move in from the back and engage any targets guarding the supplies . We need this win , men , so stay focused and don 't be a hero . Follow orders and we will win this day . " A door opened behind Nathan , and he felt himself move involuntarily as another enemy soldier charged in firing his weapon . Nathan spun then ducked , dodging a spray of automatic gunfire . Without looking , he reached out and fired his rifle at the soldier , killing him and two more who ran in behind him . Up into the sky the figure flew then dropped down onto the roof of a greenhouse . When a door opened , Nathan was dragged in . After a hiss of air , a second door opened and the figure tossed Nathan inside . " No time for questions , Nathan . I have a message from you . This is not a dream ; this is real . The butterfly was released and we 're fighting for our lives against Dr . Gishlain and his army . You made a terrible mistake , and now it 's time to wake up and fix it . Do you hear me , Nathan ? " Elisabeth asked . Nathan snapped awake in bed at Elisabeth 's penthouse where he had fallen asleep . He looked at the clock . It was 9 : 30 a . m . " Nathan ? " Hayes called as he walked into the room . " I heard you thrashing about in here . " Did you have a nightmare , son ? Is everything all right ? " " We 've been ordered to stand down and let you try an approach alone . Remember that Crandall is armed and he 's already fired at officers . There 's no safe way to do this . " Crandall stood at the window , looking out . Ray saw that he gripped a pistol in his hand . When he looked around the room , Ray spotted a 2008 calendar on the wall . " By that time , you were just an annoyance that should have been paid off , even though you thought you were too good for that . But what you did at the carnival , I 'll never forgive . She was mine . How could you have done such a thing ? " As Ray went down , Crandall felt a pang of relief . He knew the cops would be breaking down the door any moment , but he didn 't care . When movement from the bathroom caught his eye , he whirled around to see Captain Bonkers step out . " You 've been out for a couple of days . The doctor said the bullet didn 't hit any vital organs . He said you 're lucky to be alive , especially given your advanced age , " Deborah replied . Just then the door opened and Mavis stepped into the room . Her auburn hair fell forward , covering her red eyes and splotched face . When she looked at Ray , fresh tears washed down her cheeks . Magdalene was King 's only daughter . Shortly after his wife died in a plane crash , he had enrolled Magdalene in a private school in Switzerland . With King 's promise of a sizeable donation to the school , the headmaster had promised to keep a close eye on her . King made a note to punish the man for not telling him she had left . He followed Granger to a private visitor 's cell . When Granger opened the door , King saw that another guard had been posted inside the waiting room . The black stubble on his face made him look dark and angry . As though frozen in place , his arms were crossed as his cold black eyes stared straight ahead . Although he stood at an angle behind one of the chairs , King could see part of his name tag . His first name looked like it was Joseph . " She told me what she found out about you . About your business . Then the next thing you know , the plane she 's on goes down suddenly . Engine trouble they said . " When the door closed behind her , Magdalene walked away in peace , her eyes straight ahead . This was finally over . The guards nodded as she passed by moving down the hallway toward the exit . Suddenly from the room where she had left her father , she heard him yell , Late in the middle of the night in a condemned , burned out house , the front door slowly opened . Roaches scurried across the floor , disappearing under the baseboard . The floor creaked beneath his feet as Captain Bonkers stepped into the room . He walked through the house and out to the back porch where he started up a small generator . Reaching down to grab the attached extension cord , he pulled it inside the house and lay it on the floor next to an old chair , its stuffing spilling out through the scorched fabric . Years earlier , the house had caught fire and suffered extensive damage before firefighters arrived on the scene . As he watched the screen , the white light danced across his cold dead eyes beneath the clown mask . He pressed the play button and a video started , a video of his boy surrounded by friends celebrating his birthday at a pool party . The boy looked up at the camera with a big smile and said , It had the makings of a perfect day as Ray eased back onto the cushioned rocking chair . Across the room , Deborah rested on the couch , a pillow at the small of her back , with Pete her protector curled up beside her . Tommy whistled in the kitchen as he made tea and sandwiches for everyone . Just then the key turned in the lock and Richard walked in . Richard quickly got up and answered it . Leaning against the doorpost , trying to catch her breath , was Mavis . She was disheveled , as though she had dressed in a great hurry and neglected to brush her hair . As the gunman ran through the library , Nicole kept after him . She couldn 't get a good look at his face with the cap pulled down over his head . Like a gazelle , he bounded down the stairs taking three and four at a time . When he hit the first floor lobby , he ran through a large group of people without slowing then exploded through the front doors , flipping forward over the stairs and hitting the pavement in a full sprint . Nicole kept him in her sights , knowing he 'd tire before she . Across an open courtyard and around a fountain the gunman ran without slowing . Nicole easily cleared the fountain and was just gaining ground when the killer entered a tunnel that ran from the courtyard to the street . The well - lit tunnel was empty except for a woman walking with her small child . Nicole pushed herself , picking up speed . If the killer held the woman at gunpoint , Nicole knew she 'd have him . She was a crack shot and never missed her target . Suddenly , the killer headed towards the mother , unaware of the danger , and dipped , scooping up the child in his arm and snatching her away . " Noble causes aside , you can 't protect someone if you 're nowhere near them . Leaving them in a safe location instead of dragging them into a firefight may feel like the right thing , but when things go bad as they usually do , you 'll be nowhere near them to help . Now because I 'm busy helping you , there 's no one watching out for the others , " Elliot argued . Once he found a phone , he told Lucy to stay beside him while he made a call . He dialed 911 and waited for an operator to answer . When she came on the line , he told her about the woman 's body , what had happened , and explained that he only got a glimpse of the man as he fled the library . She told him to wait on the line , but he quickly ended the call . Captain Bonkers strode past Ray , taking out one guard after another before they could react , while Ray along with Tyler , Tommy , and Rory kept out of sight . Ray knew they would be safe as long as they stayed out of the way . After a few minutes , the gunfire stopped and a sickening hush fell over the hallway . Gathering courage , Ray and Rory risked a peek from behind the boxes . " Rory , I need your help with this . I think Bonkers was letting us in on his plan . He 's going to distract the guards while you and I go after King . " Up in his office , Bradford King grabbed a couple of bags and started filling them with cash . The cops were crawling all over the place , and Bonkers was probably in the building . Everything was falling apart and he had only a few minutes to get out before he was dragged under . King left the pistol in its holster then pulled his hand back and slipped the key from the lock . He knew the name Raymond Slats . Slats was a retiree whose personal hobby was pestering King 's associates . " Mr . Slats , this is not a good time . I 'm on my way out , " King said , shifting his weight . " I 'd ask how you got up here , but at this point , it doesn 't matter . " By this time , King was close enough to Ray to see past him . A few feet back , weapons drawn , stood Captain Bonkers . Next to him lay an unconscious man , one of King 's bodyguards . " You have more tricks up your sleeve than I have given you credit for . And to think this was all your doing . I didn 't know you were involved in mass murder . " " Any charges leveled against me won 't keep . You know that . I 'll have to make some hefty donations , but they 'll send me to some comfy resort with bars while I think about the error of my ways . " Up on the roof , Bonkers balanced himself on the ledge as officers tried to talk him down . Ray noticed that Bonkers seemed a little woozy . Suddenly , Bonkers raised his pistol . " Sir , " an officer called out as he approached . " We found David Crandall . He 's hold up in a motel room . Swears he 'll shoot anybody who tries to enter except . . . " " There 's no other way , Richard . I 've been waiting for this moment for a long time , " Ray sighed . " It 's time to end it . " Even though driving around in circles may seem like a good way to lose the cops in a chase , it 's not . Police officers spend a lot of time in the city and are in communication with other officers and districts . Law enforcement agencies will put out an All Points Bulletin , casting a citywide net if need be . Focus on a point and aim for it . Detour if necessary , but have a destination in mind . It will keep you from being turned around . Michael raced down the street dodging cars and running lights . He knew that thousands of car chases ended in tragedy or capture , so he needed to lose the police officers quickly and ditch the car . Aiming for the outskirts of town , Michael kept driving east . Worst - case scenario , he would drive the car into the river and hopefully lose them in the bay . Racing through an intersection during a police chase , narrowly avoiding the cross traffic , may seem dramatic , but intersections , especially high traffic ones , are the most likely place to be caught or killed . People tend to focus on their own plans , where they are going , what they will do . They fail to consider others , to be environmentally aware . It is best to drive as though no one can see you so you never expect someone to get out of your way . This driving style is far more defensive and will increase your chances of getting safely through traffic . Up ahead Michael saw an intersection , so he slowed and planned his next move . A sign just under the traffic light pointed left indicating an upcoming tunnel to the airport . Michael cut the wheel hard and turned at the intersection , following the signs . Driving faster and outmaneuvering the police isn 't always enough to keep from being caught . A resourceful officer might request that a police helicopter be brought into the chase , providing a law enforcement presence in the air . Air support is an overwhelming advantage for ground officers because the aircrew can keep you in sight . No matter where you drive , how fast , or how well , they will alert the ground force as to your location . To outsmart the helicopter crew , you will need to seek cover , places the helicopter cannot track you . Michael flew into the tunnel , moving as quickly as traffic would allow . He turned on his low beams and tried not to get too close to the vehicle in front of him . He knew his speed was too fast for the confined space , but he had to exit the tunnel before the police could seal off the other end . Up ahead two cars were stopped , blocking off one of the lanes . The drivers were out of their cars , arguing over a fender bender . Michael slid to a stop , hopped out of the ' 66 Chevelle SS , threw the keys to the nearest of the two drivers , and slid into the lead car , a red Volkswagen bug . As he pulled away , the driver yelled in surprise , chasing Michael for a few feet . When he drove out of the tunnel , he passed two police officers on the road . Heading for the airport , he knew he didn 't have much time before the cops discovered he was driving a red Volkswagen bug . If he could just get to the airport 's long - term parking lot , he would have plenty of vehicles to choose from . After pulling in to airport parking , he drove past the front doors , catching the attention of an officer . When the officer yelled for him to stop , Michael stepped on the gas . As he flew past the rows of cars with the officer in pursuit , a van pulled out in front of him . Unable to stop in time , Michael struck the side of the van . He leapt out , made sure the driver was not injured , then ran into the airport . Within minutes , airport security had joined the chase . Michael shot across the terminal but stopped halfway . By now , the airport was crawling with security and police , and Michael was getting desperate . He noticed a small door less than 5 feet to his right . Hoping it opened into a tunnel to the runway , he hurried over and pulled the door open . On the other side of the door was a small room , less than 30 square feet . When he stepped back out of the room , a gunshot rang out , forcing him to dart back inside . He closed the door and began a frantic search for another way out of the room . Any second now , the cops would pull open the door and arrest or shoot him . He felt like a trapped rat . Heart racing , Michael told himself not to panic . As he tried to decide what to do , suddenly the door opened . Dr . Ricer and Nicole headed down the street to the pharmacy to get directions to the public records office . As she scribbled directions on a scrap of paper , the woman at the front cash register told them it was across the street from the public library . With Lucy in tow , they thanked the woman and stepped outside to hail a cab . Ten minutes later , they stood in front of the public records office . While Nicole worked her way through city records , Ricer headed for the library to research the history of the neighborhood . Although the library was full of patrons , Ricer stopped reading when he suddenly felt an uncomfortable presence nearby . Ricer met her eyes , and when she saw his fear , she drew her weapon . Squaring her shoulders , she raised her gun and turned . Suddenly the man bolted from his hiding place and ran for the exit . As Nicole chased after the gunman , Ricer hurried over to check on Lucy . When he looked into the aisle where the man had been hiding , he saw a woman lying on the floor in a pool of blood . As Nathan inched his way toward John Stafford , his boots clicked on the metal walkway suspended above rows of large tanks containing hazardous waste marked for disposal . His back turned toward Nathan , Stafford and his hostage Charlene Reynolds were cornered at the other end of the walkway with nowhere to go . Nathan took a deep breath and slowly let it out as he cautiously drew closer . " I know exactly what you 're going through . Graduated third in your class . When you were hired by Thymatec , the largest pharmaceutical company in Crescent Bay , you felt you had accomplished your dream . You had the job you wanted , and now you could go ahead and propose to your girlfriend . You finally had something to offer her , a solid future , " Nathan said . " Joanne was the prettiest girl you 'd ever seen , wasn 't she ? Athletic , charming . No wonder everyone loved her . Yet for some crazy reason , she only had eyes for you . " " That was until she got sick . No one could have predicted how fast it would spread . Before Joanne could plan her perfect wedding , you had to plan her funeral . It was the worst time in your life . You were heartbroken , defeated , vulnerable . That 's when he approached you . " " He promised he could help . All you had to do was make some arrangements , see that a few people were hired . Nothing serious . Just one man trying to make a difference . You believed what he said , what he wanted . It wasn 't until you were in too deep that you realized you had sold your soul to a monster . " " When my parents died , I was barely out of high school . Lost and drifting , I almost drove my life into the ditch . But then I met a man who saved me . He straightened me out , taught me how to cope with loss , and even got me my first real job . He was a surrogate father to me , my mentor . I looked up to him until the day I realized he was using me . The only reason he helped me get the job was so that he could steal a diamond exchange . I was so buried in trouble I couldn 't see a way out that wouldn 't land me in jail . Somehow I found the courage to turn against him and call the cops . The judge gave me probation while he was sent to prison . " " Joanne . I know . He promised he could bring her back . But , John , think about the clones that work for him . Anyone he brought back would be just as dedicated to him as they are . She would look like Joanne , but she wouldn 't be Joanne , " Nathan explained . Elisabeth knew she couldn 't reach Horton in time to keep him from shooting Nathan , so she had to stop him some other way . But before she could pull out her pistol , Morton was on her . He grabbed her hands and squeezed until she cried out in pain . Knowing that Elisabeth was fighting for her life beneath the walkway made it hard for Nathan to stay focused on Stafford . Appealing to him seemed to be working , but then suddenly everything clicked in Nathan 's mind and he saw what was coming . He had only seconds to act . As Morton 's grip tightened on Elisabeth , she pulled back her hands , forcing him to tumble off balance towards her . Pushing her head forward , she struck his jaw with her forehead and heard a satisfying crack . Morton quickly released her hands and held his broken jaw . It was early morning as Ray drove the Cadillac down a twisting gravel road . Rory had made himself comfortable in the passenger seat , and Pete was settled down beside Ray . In the back , Roddy pressed his nose against the glass of the lowered window , enjoying the wind on his face . Ray sighed deeply . Nash had been up to his eyeballs in the cover - up of Bonkers ' murdered family . When Ray found out about it a few months ago , he figured Bonkers might come after Nash . He should have done something , said something . But at the time , he had been focused on other things . How many more people would die because of Captain Bonkers ? " Hold him , Ray , " Richard said , handing over Pete . " Normally , his antics are amusing , but I know what he 's after and I can 't let him loose . This is a crime scene . " " Evelyn Caine is dead . Her remains were found this morning by a farmer who owns this property . He was out checking the fence when he found her . " " The coroner 's not finished yet but looks like she was shot twice , once with an arrow , then torn apart by dogs . Animal control 's still searching the property . So far , they 've rounded up six of them . " Forty - five minutes later , they waited outside Bradford King 's office building . Police officers filled the parking lot as the SWAT moved forward , waiting for Clive Morgan 's orders . His brow furrowed , Ray looked at Richard and asked , " Sorry . I 'm not just keeping a promise to Deborah . I can 't guarantee your safety inside . Stay here or I 'll have to arrest you , " Richard warned . " How is that possible ? We had just gotten here off the train when things started changing . How could he have known what we were up to ? " Dr . Ricer asked . Although you may be tempted , ditching a car for the stealthy approach is a bad idea while the police are after you . Wait until you 've lost them . The cops and environment may try to slow you down , but stopping is a certain death sentence . Slow down as necessary but avoid stopping at all costs . Keep moving and always have an exit plan . " If it 's necessary . But I don 't believe that 'll stop the killer . What is it about these places that 's drawing him ? " Nicole wondered . Surprised by Nathan 's uncertainty , Elisabeth asked , " What do you mean you don 't know ? " I thought you were the man who knew everything . How can you not know ? " " Where I come from , everything that 's been happening here is right out of a graphic novel . I 've read that novel and its sequels so many times that I memorized it cover to cover . Problem is , what I know ends with the battle going on outside . I don 't know what happens in here where we are , " Nathan explained . " Yes ! " Nathan insisted . " I still can sense things just before they happen . I can still tell you anything about anyone I meet . And I still have visions . But my knowledge of what happens next isn 't as extensive as it was . " " I can 't do it . Can 't seem to think straight , " Nathan confessed . " Back home , I never took risks without a backup plan , an exit plan . Before I came to Starfall , the biggest risk I ever took was cheating on a Biology exam . I knew I was going to fail the test anyway , so getting caught cheating wasn 't much of a risk . " " Right . You didn 't have one because you weren 't thinking . You acted on instinct , " she pointed out . " My father used to say that you can know everything about the wild and still be a lousy hunter . Sometimes life is moving too fast for us to think about it . We just have to react and trust our training . " " You have everything you need , Nathan , " she said . " I 've seen it . You just need to trust your instincts . Let me prove my point . " " I 'll tell you exactly what I 'm going to do , so there 'll be no surprises . You 're fast enough to react properly . Just trust your instincts and don 't think about it . " As he hurried down the hall , he kept considering what Elisabeth had told him , trying not to over think things . If Stafford were cornered , he would release the butterfly . Nathan knew he didn 't have much time , but he couldn 't stop worrying about Elisabeth . Suddenly a chunk of concrete struck her in the side . She turned just in time to see Morton pulling another chunk of concrete out of the floor . What she didn 't see was Horton raising his rifle . " Richard , you 're a good cop . And a great detective . Course you 're not as good as your daddy , but you 're getting there . Everybody on the force respects you . That being said , some of us suspect that your recent success comes from this mysterious father - in - law of yours whose life apparently began when he started driving a cab for the city of Whitelake . " " No disrespect intended , but let 's just cut the charades . Instead of talking to the puppet , let 's hear what Geppetto has to say , " Morgan requested as he looked at Ray . " Spill it , old timer . What makes you think this clown is headed for King ? " " For the same reason you won 't find the body of Evelyn Caine . Captain Bonkers is acting out a plot of revenge to destroy the people who ruined him . Every person he 's killed has either worked directly for King or been associated with him in some way . Not only did Bonkers kill whoever answered to King but also he left behind a marker with each victim . A game piece from a chessboard . In his twisted mind , each of these people represents a piece of a figurative chessboard that protects King in some way . Bonkers has been slowly working his way up the line until he reaches the final piece on the board , the king . " " I think Caine ordered the hit on Bonkers ' family and King approved it . If my theory is correct and Bonkers is acting out his revenge , Evelyn Caine 's his next victim . She may still be alive but not for long , " Ray explained . When Evelyn Caine regained consciousness , she was lying on a cold wooden floor . Her head throbbed , and as she reached up to touch the spot , she discovered that her hands were bound . A thick musty smell filled her nostrils , and she gagged at the stench . Except for a few pinpricks of light , the room was dark . Struggling to her feet , she felt nauseous and her head began to spin . She reached out with her foot and hit what seemed to be a wall . Bracing herself against it , she let her eyes adjust to the dark while she waited for the nausea and dizziness to pass . When she strained against the dark to see where she was , she saw that she was in the back of a large truck . At first she hesitated , but then she realized that if she got closer , she might have a chance to get the gun away from him . Walking to the edge of the truck , she looked out . They were in the country in the middle of a field with no houses nearby . Bonkers lowered the ramp and motioned for her to walk down onto the grass . She decided she would collapse , falling into him and grabbing the gun . But the second she came close , he backhanded her and pushed her down the ramp . " My name is Evelyn Caine . Working with Bradford King , I have cost the lives of hundreds . Most of them I had killed because they were a threat to me . Others because they insulted me . I deserve no more than the same mercy I offered to others . Don 't bother burying me for like Jezebel , only the dogs will remember me . " Bonkers turned to the box and removed the tarp . Caine saw that it was a large metal crate with holes along the top . When Bonkers pounded the crate three times , from inside came the sound of barking dogs . She saw Bonkers reach down and raise a bow and arrow . Placing the nock of the arrow into the bowstring , he pulled back , aiming at the fleeing Caine , and released . Looking ahead , she fought against the pain , trying to run faster . Bonkers watched , his head tilted slightly to the side , and listened to Caine scream as the dogs tore at her . When her cries finally died down , Bonkers climbed down from the crate , removed the recorder from his pocket , and placed it on top the crate . Then from his other pocket , he pulled out a chess piece , the black queen , and centered it on top the recorder . Turning back to the truck , he slid the ramp back in place , climbed in the cab and drove away . |
I have been making biscuits since I was about ten years old . My mom taught me to make them the way she did which wasn 't that much fun or easy . She put flour in a large bowl , took her fist and made a well in the middle by pressing the flour down . After that , she would put in the buttermilk and shortening . I think it was lard back in those days and take her hand and squeeze the milk and lard together as she pulled in a bit of flour from the edges until she had the dough form a ball . That wasn 't fun because the milk would be too cold and when I was finished , my fingers were freezing . Then I had to pinch off a bit of the dough and roll it between floured hands and put them in a pan close together . Times changed and so did the way I made biscuits . In time , I figured out that I could measure the flour into the bowl , add the shortening and then buttermilk . It has to be the right kind of ingredients . In the south , we use soft winter flour . My personal choice is White Lily and I always use Crisco . I never buy a knock off brand or store brand of solid shortening . Crisco is all I ever use . One has to have a dough cutter to cut the shortening into the flour . Cut the shortening until it forms little pea size bits . Then add the buttermilk and stir until the dough starts to pull away from the bowl . Don 't overwork it . Be very careful to be gentle with the dough for soft biscuits . A stainless steel bowl or a glass bowl is what I use . Never use aluminum . It isn 't good because the biscuits can take on a bad taste from being mixed in aluminum . Most folks know not to cook in aluminum now days anyway . When the dough is ready , I have a board or a clean counter top ready with flour that I have sprinkled on it . I turn the dough out and ( very gently ) pad it down to about 3 / 4 β³ to 1 β³ flat . I then take a sharp biscuit cutter to cut them quickly . Never twist the cutter just press down until the biscuit is cut though . One can make a biscuit cutter out of a vegetable can if they do not have one . Be sure to flip the biscuit when you put it in the pan . When the cutter presses down on the dough , it needs to be flipped to get the biscuits to rise correctly . Many people do not know this trick but I learned as I went . I put the biscuits in a dark pan that has been lightly greased . They cook at 450 degrees until the tops are nice and golden brown . Using a dark pan will ensure that the bottoms will be brown too . What I want in a biscuit is for it to be golden brown with a crust on the outside and soft on the inside . There isn 't a man in the south who would not love having a great home made biscuit for breakfast . Heck , he might eat a half dozen . So , if you are cooking for a man , make sure to cook plenty . Biscuits can be kept in a covered bowl for a few days on the counter . Did you notice the little biscuit on the plate ? That is what we call a baby biscuit . If there is any dough left , we use it even if it isn 't large as the rest . Thus , at my home , they are called baby biscuits . The children would fight over who got that one . Too sweet just thinking about it . What I like to do with old biscuits is to split them open , but butter or margarine on both sides and sprinkle a mixture of cinnamon and sugar . Then I pop them under the broiler until the butter is melted and the sugar is dissolved . I have had friends visit from other parts of the country and when I made cinnamon biscuits from old ones , they simply loved them . Don 't say you can 't make a good biscuit . There were many things in life that you once couldn 't do but practice will prefect them . I worked on making them forever and now , it is second nature to make them . It will be for you too if you keep at it . Look on the side of any bag of flour for the recipe . I don 't need to tell you because I use the same amount of ingredients . The thing with me now is that I don 't have to measure . I have cooked them so long that I can just look at the amount going in and know if it is right . One last thing and that is buttermilk . Don 't try making biscuits with really drinking milk . The buttermilk makes them worth eating . In fact , one of my favorite moments is when the biscuits come out of the oven and I hold the pan up to smell them . Ahhh , there is nothing like a buttermilk make biscuit . Barber 's Buttermilk . Now , get busy and give it a try . Your family will love you for putting a great bread on the table . They aren 't hard to make and they sure beat making bread that has to be kneed . Never , never knead them . Good luck and have fun . Baking is a joy to me and I hope it will be for you too . I just returned from helping a friend who needed to clear his parents home of fifty years of accumulated things . It was not anything that could be done in two months . When I first flew up , my plans were to stay for a month but I changed my mind . People do not realize as they live their lives each day that something may or can happen to them tomorrow . We all are guilty of keeping too many things that are not needed in our home . On top of that , may people will not let go of things and rent storage to put them in . His father was a doctor and had retired . When he did , he bought home everything even the table he used to examine people . He bought home drugs , medical records and anything else that was there . Even the posters that were on his walls . I wonder if it ever occurred to him to just throw away most of the things . We had to contact a group to disposes of medicines the proper way . Now , my friend will have to jump through hoops just trying to do the proper thing about getting rid of the medical records . His dad was not doing well mentally but no one understood that until his mother had a stroke . His mother sewed . She did brilliant embroidery work and had so many extra supplies from years and years ago . I know because she still had thread on wooden spools . She had boxes and boxes of buttons , old sewing needles , yarn , knitting needles and fabric . You name it and she had it . She loved making pretty things but when her hands started to hurt from arthritis , she had to give it up . What does keeping all of these things matter ? It matters a lot when someone else has to clean it out of a home . One thing is certain , I came home with a new view on how I will leave my home to my children once I am gone . It isn 't fair to expect our children to come behind us to clean up our mess . A mess that we just didn 't take the time to clean up or one that we were not thinking was even there . Sometimes , I feel that people do not realize that when they put a receipt for something in a drawer that unless they are diligent in cleaning out their drawers and closets often , that receipt may be there 30 years later . We found receipts from fifty years ago . My friend feels overwhelmed . He felt that way while I was there . Before his father died , we had some fun even in the middle of trying to make sense of all that was in the home . Afterward , the fun stopped as he was grieving . Not only was he grieving but he was angry . I understand because that it is one of the first steps of grief . He didn 't understand . When I would try to talk to him about it , he wasn 't interested . It is hard to watch a person grieve knowing that there is nothing anyone can do . That is a journey that a person has to make alone in life . Sure good friends can reach out to them and try to give comfort but in the end , they will have to walk though that time alone . We all do . I have made that journey many times in my life . In the mean time , his mom is still in a nursing home . They are not treating her well . Since she is in another state where is brother lives , it is hard for him to get there to see her as much as he would like . He worries about her . So , in the middle of grieving for his father , worrying about his mother , not being employed at the time , he still has to clean out this house by himself . He is angry , confused , dazed and dismayed at what to do with everything . He doesn 't have time to sell a lot of things since he needs to be looking for a job . I know what he is going though since I was there . It is like trying to reach the top of a mountain with branches of trees hitting you in the face with every step . My heart goes out to my friend . I would not wish this on anyone . So , if your home is filled with paperwork that isn 't necessary , get rid of it . If you have old clothes give them away . Thin out the number of dishes you have in your kitchen . When we reach a certain age , we do not entertain like we once did . Do you really need all of those pots and pans in the kitchen ? When was the last time you cleaned out your closets , drawers or even the pantry ? Do your family a huge favor and save them from having to clean up after you when you are gone . We never know when that day will come . I plan to start with my project of cleaning out my home this week . I would not like to think of my children here in my home being unhappy when if I had planned like I should have , they would have little to do . Burying your parents is bad enough . Before today , I knew how to put gas and oil in the mower along with how to clean the air filter and change the spark plug . Now , I can say that I know a few more things . Now , I know where the carburetor is located . I didn 't say I can work on it just that I know where it is . When I tried to start it a few days ago , it wouldn 't . It had always started with the first pull of the cord . I hate spending money on something that I might be able to do myself . With that thought in mind , I headed for the backyard to see if I could figure out what was wrong . The first thing I did was to empty the tank of all gas . I should have taken it a step futher and taken the gas line off and cleaned out the tank . I didn 't because the last time that it didn 't start , that was all I had to do . The filter was dirty so , I took it off and cleaned it . Later , while watching a video on lawnmower repair , the guy said that oil should be added to the filter . Not a lot but just enough to wet it . That kind of amazed me . How can it breath if it has oil on it ? Oh well . I took the spark plug out and looked at it . It had a little bit of carbon so I took a wire brush and cleaned it up and put it back in . Then I noticed that the line that controls the air flow to the carburetor was loose . I put it back in place but it had a tear near the end . Back to the house to get some electrical tape to fix that for now . All I wanted was for the thing to start . I made a hundred trips from the back yard where the mower was to the house for either tools or to watch videos on repairing the mower . The walking tired me out more than working on it . Plus , it was hot . In the south this time of year , it is always hot and humid . I hate it . Another thing I did when I came inside was to get the grease off my hands . I know . I am a sissy . I learned a few things while outside battling the misquotes while working on it . I need a table to put it on so it will be up closer to my face . Before I tackle it again , I will find a way to get it up higher . In my life , I have tackled just about anything that a person can . In the end I am a lot like some men . I end paying to have it done . It is amazing to me that I keep trying to do things when I don 't have a clue . Like I said , it is probably just that I want to see if I can . Can anyone say , bored woman ? I never thought that I would work on my mower . However , I am stubborn and sometimes just need to know that I can still do things . It probably wouldn 't cost that much to take it somewhere for repair . That is a problem for me because I don 't have a truck . I have always needed a truck so , why didn 't I buy one ten years ago when I bought a new car ? Brain dead probably . What I really need is one like this . There is a for sale sign on it . I think I will buy it tomorrow . This one just needs cleaning up a bit and some paint and I will be ready to go . I finally made the laundry detergent that I blogged about a few weeks ago . It was so easy and I wanted y ' all to see my finished product . Hey , it looks like I have many different types of detergent because I have been saving the empty bottles to put my freshly made detergent in . I suppose it is clear from the bottles that I am not a fan of any certain brand . Whatever is on sale is what I usually buy . Thank goodness those days are over . No more paying big prices for something that I can make in my kitchen . Plus , since it only cost about 4 cents per load to wash my clothes , that is more money in my pocket for other things . I hope my grandchildren do not come over and think the detergent in the milk jug is for drinking . Talking about washing their mouth out . Hoot woot β¦ that wouldn 't be any fun . Oops , not like that . I don 't want to go to jail . All I want is to be famous and make tons of money like she did . Woot Hoot β¦ I never thought that I would made laundry detergent but after making it today , I may never buy it from the store again . How simple can it be ? I will tell ya . Easier than making a pie or for real easier than washing the dishes . Don 't let the name of the soap throw ya . It can be found . I found it at Ace Hardware . They will order it for you if they do not have it in stock . Y ' all can find the washing soda there too . Borax is on every grocery shelf in the nation I am fairly sure . Now , don 't pay 3 or 4 dollars a bar because they is just insane . I paid about $ 1 . 40 for one bar . Get out your cutting board and chop the soap into tiny little pieces . Add 4 cups of water to a 4 quart pan and add the soap to it . Let it simmer until the soap is melted . Take off the stove eye and add the washing soda and borax to it and stir real well until it dissolves . That doesn 't take but a minute . Add this mixture to 4 cups of hot water in the 2 gallon container . Stir again . Now , you will add the rest of the water which is 1 gallon plus , 6 cups of cold water . Y ' all need to let this sit for about 24 hours . Tomorrow , it will be sort of like a jell but do not expect it to look like what you buy at the store . Pour it into some containers that you have for this . Y ' all can use gallon milk jugs or y ' all could use the laundry detergent containers where you have run out of detergent . If y ' all do , make sure that they no longer have the old soap in them . We are making something that far surpasses what one buys at the store and listen to this . Y ' all will be spending about 4 cents per load to wash y ' all clothes . Oh and one more thing . Make sure to shake this soap before adding it to your laundry each time . Just make sure that it is blended real well . This soap does not make suds . The suds isn 't what cleans the clothes . If y ' all can 't live without suds , just add about a half bottle of Joy dish washing soap to it . I would not but hey , women have their quirks . Another thing that can be done is too add some fragrance such as lilacs but the soap has a pretty smell so why mess with it ? Isn 't that worth going to just a tad of trouble to make this great soap ? In my book it is . Have fun . I expect that y ' all will give this a try . If for no other reason , y ' all can talk about it at the next office party . Right before Thanksgiving a squirrel moved into my attic . I heard the noise but in my mind I suppose that I thought that a bird was beating against the house . What could have I been thinking ? One night as I lay on the sofa after Thanksgiving , sick as a dog with the flu , I heard this noise in my attic . I lay still and listened . It was like a scratching sound . Then I hear little feet scurrying above in the ceiling . Dang , that is not a bird . I do believe that a rat is in my attic . It bothered me but there wasn 't anything that I could do since I was sick . I lay either in my bed or on the sofa for about a week listening to something having a party in the attic . All that was needed was music . Thank goodness that there wasn 't any . Monday , I decided that I had to figure out what was going on . I got a ladder and went to the front and put it up next to the front door . There seemed to be a hole in the eve right below the roof . I climbed up and found a hole that had been eaten away . I knew then that it wasn 't a rat but a squirrel . I had seen that sign before now . What to do ? I went to my storage building and found some pieces of wood to do a temporary mending job . What a mess . It looked like what we see in photos of a hillbilly house . I nailed the board one way and then another was nailed at an angle on top of that one . I had to do it that way because of a gable . I stepped down from my patch job and felt proud but ashamed at the same time . I was pleased that the squirrel couldn 't get back in but I was also hoping that my neighbors wouldn 't be looking at my eves . I mean the boards didn 't even have paint on them . Oh well , I wasn 't going to have to be concerned about that too long as the squirrel was back . I woke the next morning to the tune of the squirrel 's chatter of teeth drilling away on the boards . What ? I was insulted . How could he think that he could get back in after the job that I had done . I am a person and he is only a squirrel β¦ . . a rat with a fluffy tail . I wasn 't going to put up with it . No sir - ree . I went out and looked up to see that his teeth had already made a good job of whittling away at the replacement boards . What to do ? I went into the kitchen and took down some shortening and powdered hot pepper . I mixed the two together and smeared it on the boards . That should do it . I went about my business . The next morning I woke to the sound of you guessed it β¦ . . the chatter of a squirrel 's teeth drilling away on my house . This was getting personal . I walked out to see the damage that had been done . It was still OK but if he kept it up , I would have to replace those boards . I started looking for a piece of sheet metal . Standing there I could visualize the squirrel eating through the metal like it was frosting on a cake . Bingo β¦ . . that gave me a thought . Later that day , I heard a thump on the front porch and went to look . It was that squirrel looking at me dead in the eyes . He didn 't run off . He just sat there looking at me the same as to say , " Look what you have done to me ? I don 't have a home . You have all of my food and now you are trying to set my mouth on fire . " Then he ran off , jumped up on the fence , ran across it , jumped down on the ground , back up on another fence and up a tree . He sat on a limb for a minute and then he was gone . I thought , well , he is gone for good . Surely , he will not be crazy enough to try again . It never occurred to me that he had stored food there until a friend suggested it to me . Food ? Of course , squirrels live in trees but once they store their food in a tree , that is home . My attic now was home because of his stored away winter food supply . I wish that I could just say , " Here squirrel , come get these tasty nuts that I am putting out for you but I am afraid that he will not be interested in what I can give him . He is only interested in what he worked so hard to get and put away for a rainy day . I wish that he had all the nuts that make pecan trees in my shrubs each year . Or the Magnolia seeds that sprout into small trees that he hid there . What to do ? I think that next thing that I should do is trap him in a cage and take him to another part of the state . I would turn him loose somewhere close by but I do not think that he will forget where I live for one minute . Maybe I will be moved or dead and gone before he finds his way back from across the state . Yesterday , the roofers showed up to put a new roof on my home . I have had a new roof put on before this one . This time , I was seriously impressed . These men came prepared . Their team work amazed me . As they were on the roof working away in 90 degree weather , they were singing . Amazing . Who sings in 90 degree weather while on top of a roof ? These men . American 's are so grouchy about their jobs . They complain all the time . The office is too hot or too cold . The company doesn 't furnish coffee . The phone rang off the hook all day . Right . Like it isn 't their job to answer it . I could go on and on but y ' all get the jest . These men were contracted by a government agency to do this job . They were Mexican . I am so glad that I had the chance to see men working and not complaining . It did my heart good . When they were finishing up , they were cleaning up my yard as if it belonged to them . I mentioned to one young man how he didn 't have to get the last bit of grass off of my landing but he said that he wanted it to look nice with a smile on his face . I was blown away with this remark . When they left , all that was left behind was a new roof . One would never know that anyone had been in my yard that day . My point is that so many Americans complain about people from Mexico living and working here . That make me wonder just what they are really thinking . Now , I am thinking that American 's are jealous because people come here to work and that is what they do . They work . They do not complain . They just do the best job they can and are happy about it . I once complained because my home is only 1100 square feet . Then the boys grew up and moved out . I realized then that I had more space than I needed . This young man in Hong Kong lives in 24 rooms with only 104 meters . It is unbelievable but wonderful . Check it out and never complain about not having enough space . It isn 't the space but rather how we use it . I have been working on my bedroom for over two weeks . The walls are nearly completed . I peeked in this morning with dread to see just how much needs to be done for it to be completed . Not much . The ceiling has been primed and needs paint . The trim needs to be painted . I hate painting trim . I am still sleeping on my new bed in the living room floor . It would appear that I would want to finish this job and move into my beautiful new bedroom . I have all new things to dress the room to make it so lovely . I would but one day this week my lover came for a visit . The next day I didn 't do anything but wash the dishes . I was worn out . Sounds crazy . I used to make love or if one prefers , have sex and get up and be full of energy . Not anymore . Afterward now , I am worn out . I have to wonder if it is the quality of the love making or just me getting older . Dang , I hate to think it is because I am getting older . Might be . I think I will talk to my doctor about it next time . I can see the look on his face when I tell him . He is so young that is probably thinks ladies my age do not have sex . OK β¦ . I know that y ' all are wondering why I don 't get my lover to paint the room . He said he would but that he had never painted . Hey , I don 't know about y ' all but that is a huge red flag in my book . I had rather do it myself . He does know how to mow grass so the next time he comes over , I think I will suggest that he mow mine before we have fun . That should be a good test to see what his real intentions are . Don 't ya think ? It took about two weeks for the mattress to be delivered . Instead of taking the old bed down and painting the room , I shopped for new bedding since I was changing from a king to a queen sized bed . Not only did I buy new bedding , I bought new curtains and a comforter set along with a rug . Here is my point , I spent all that time shopping for the room and did not paint the room . What was I thinking ? The bed arrives and I can not take down the king bed . I called my son to come take it down . He stored it in another room . My computer room . Yuck . I hate looking at that bed in my computer room . But that isn 't all . The new bed is standing next to a wall in my living room . At night , since I do not have a bed to sleep on , I just lay the new mattress in the living room floor and sleep on it . It is so nice to know that no one can see me trying to get up and down off of the mattress . I am not a kid anymore but sometimes , I think that I am . I have been spending time this week scraping , puttying , sanding and filling any imperfections . Today , I finally was to the point where I could prime the walls . That isn 't entirely finished because now , I need someone to help me move a big dresser . Remember ? I said that I thought I was a kid sometimes . The real thing is that I didn 't think this entire thing though . Thanks for your visit Thank you for visiting my site . I hope that y ' all enjoy my rambling writing . This site has no theme as I write about whatever ops into my mind . Remember I am an older woman so , young people might not get me . However , I think they will . Don 't just read one . Keep going down the page to find the older post . There is something for everyone . |
Chapter One : Bloodchild My last night of childhood began with a visit home . T ' Gatoi 's sister had given us two sterile eggs . T ' Gatoi gave one to my mother , brother , and sisters . She insisted that I eat the other one alone . It didn 't matter . There was still enough to leave everyone feeling good . Almost everyone . My mother wouldn 't take any . She sat , watching everyone drifting and dreaming without her . Most of the time she watched me . I lay against T ' Gatoi 's long , velvet underside , sipping from my egg now and then , wondering why my mother denied herself such a harmless pleasure . Less of her hair would be gray if she indulged now and then . The eggs prolonged life , prolonged vigor . My father , who had never refused one in his life , had lived more than twice as long as he should have . And toward the end of his life , when he should have been slowing down , he had married my mother and fathered four children . But my mother seemed content to age before she had to . I saw her turn away as several of T ' Gatoi 's limbs secured me closer . T ' Gatoi liked our body heat and took advantage of it whenever she could . When I was little and at home more , my mother used to try to tell me how to behave with T ' Gato - how to be respectful and always obedient because T ' Gatoi was the Tlic government official in charge of the Preserve , and thus the most important of her kind to deal directly with Terrans . It was an honor , my mother said , that such a person had chosen to come into the family . My mother was at her most formal and severe when she was lying . I had no idea why she was lying , or even what she was lying about . It was an honor to have T ' Gatoi in the family , but it was hardly a novelty . T ' Gatoi and my mother had been friends all my mother 's life , and T ' Gatoi was not interested in being honored in the house she considered her second home . She simply came in , climbed onto one of her special couches , and called me over to keep her warm . It was impossible to be formal with her while lying against her and hearing her complain as usual that I was too skinny . T ' Gatoi was hounded on the outside . Her people wanted more of us made available . Only she and her political faction stood between us and the hordes who did not understand why there was a Preserve - why any Terran could not be courted , paid , drafted , in some way made available to them . Or they did understand , but in their desperation , they did not care . She parceled us out to the desperate and sold us to the rich and powerful for their political support . Thus , we were necessities , status symbols , and an independent people . She oversaw the joining of families , putting an end to the final remnants of the earlier system of breaking up Terran families to suit impatient Tlic . I had lived outside with her . I had seen the desperate eagerness in the way some people looked at me . It was a little frightening to know that only she stood between us and that desperation that could so easily swallow us . My mother would look at her sometimes and say to me , " Take care of her . " And I would remember that she too had been outside , had seen . Now T ' Gatoi used four of her limbs to push me away from her onto the floor . " Go on , Gan , " she said . " Sit down there with your sisters and enjoy not being sober . You had most of the egg . Lien , come warm me . " I would like to have touched my mother , shared that moment with her . She would take my hand if I touched her now . Freed by the egg and the sting , she would smile and perhaps say things long held in . But tomorrow , she would remember all this as a humiliation . I did not want to be part of a remembered humiliation . Best just be still and know she loved me under all the duty and pride and pain . My older sister obeyed , swaying drunkenly as she stood up . When she had finished , she sat down beside me and took my hand . We had always been a unit , she and I . It was an old joke between them . They had grown up together , sort of , though T ' Gatoi had not , in my mother 's lifetime , been small enough for any Terran to step on . She was nearly three time my mother 's present age , yet would still be young when my mother died of age . But T ' Gatoi and my mother had met as T ' Gatoi was coming into a period of rapid development - a kind of Tlic adolescence . My mother was only a child , but for a while they developed at the same rate and had no better friends than each other . T ' Gatoi had even introduced my mother to the man who became my father . My parents , pleased with each other in spite of their different ages , married as T ' Gatoi was going into her family 's business - politics . She and my mother saw each other less . But sometime before my older sister was born , my mother promised T ' Gatoi one of her children . She would have to give one of us to someone , and she preferred T ' Gatoi to some stranger . Years passed . T ' Gatoi traveled and increased her influence . The Preserve was hers by the time she came back to my mother to collect what she probably saw as her just reward for her hard work . My older sister took an instant liking to her and wanted to be chosen , but my mother was just coming to term with me and T ' Gatoi liked the idea of choosing an infant and watching and taking part in all the phases of development . I 'm told I was first caged within T ' Gatoi 's many limbs only three minutes after my birth . A few days later , I was given my first taste of egg . I tell Terrans that when they ask whether I was ever afraid of her . And I tell it to Tlic when T ' Gatoi suggests a young Terran child for them and they , anxious and ignorant , demand an adolescent . Even my brother who had somehow grown up to fear and distrust the Tlic could probably have gone smoothly into one of their families if he had been adopted early enough . Sometimes , I think for his sake he should have been . I looked at him , stretched out on the floor across the room , his eyes open , but glazed as he dreamed his egg dream . No matter what he felt toward the Tlic , he always demanded his share of egg . My mother recognized her tone and got up just in time to avoid being dumped on the floor . T ' Gatoi whipped her three meters of body off her couch , toward the door , and out at full speed . She had bones - ribs , a long spine , a skull , four sets of limb bones per segment . But when she moved that way , twisting , hurling herself into controlled falls , landing running , she seemed not only boneless , but aquatic - something swimming through the air as though it were water . I loved watching her move . I left my sister and started to follow her out the door , though I wasn 't very steady on my own feet . It would have been better to sit and dream , better yet to find a girl and share a waking dream with her . Back when the Tlic saw us as not much more than convenient , big , warm - blooded animals , they would pen several of us together , male and female , and feed us only eggs . That way they could be sure of getting another generation of us no matter how we tried to hold out . We were lucky that didn 't go on long . A few generations of it and we would have been little more than convenient , big animals . " He was trying to reach a call box , I suppose . " She carried the man past me , unconscious , folded like a coat over some of her limbs . He looked young - my brother 's age perhaps - and he was thinner than he should have been . What T ' Gatoi would have called dangerously thin . She looked at my brother - older , bigger , stronger , certainly more able to help her here . He was sitting up now , braced against the wall , staring at the man on the floor with undisguised fear and revulsion . Even she could see that he would be useless . " This man 's name is Bram Lomas , " she told him , reading from the man 's armband . I fingered my own armband in sympathy . " He needs T ' Khotgif Teh . Do you hear ? " Lomas began to regain consciousness . He only moaned at first and clutched spasmodically at a pair of T ' Gatoi 's limbs . My younger sister , finally awake from her egg dream , came close to look at him , until my mother pulled her back . I got up , feeling stupid for having ignored her warning , and went into the kitchen . Maybe I could kill something with a knife or an ax . My mother raised a few Terran animals for the table and several thousand local ones for their fur . T ' Gatoi would probably prefer something local . An achti , perhaps . Some of those were the right size , though they had about three times as many teeth as I did and a real love of using them . My mother , Hoa , and Qui could kill them with knives . I had never killed one at all , had never slaughtered any animal . I had spent most of my time with T ' Gatoi while my brother and sisters were learning the family business . T ' Gatoi had been right . I should have been the one to go to the call box . At least I could do that . I went to the corner cabinet where my mother kept her large house and garden tools . At the back of the cabinet there was a pipe that carried off waste water from the kitchen - except that it didn 't anymore . My father had rerouted the waste water below before I was born . Now the pipe could be turned so that one half slid around the other and a rifle could be stored inside . This wasn 't our only gun , but it was our most easily accessible one . I would have to use it to shoot one of the biggest of the achti . Then T ' Gatoi would probably confiscate it . Firearms were illegal in the Preserve . There had been incidents right after the Preserve was established - Terrans shooting Tlic , shooting N ' Tlic . This was before the Joining of families began , before everyone had a personal stake in keeping the peace . No one had shot a Tlic in my lifetime or my mother 's , but the law still stood - for our protection , we were told . There were stories of whole Terran families wiped out in reprisal back during the assassinations . I went out to the cages and shot the biggest achti I could find . It was a handsome breeding male , and my mother would not be pleased to see me bring it in . But it was the right size , and I was in a hurry . I put the achti 's long , warm body over my shoulder - glad that some of the weight I 'd gained was muscle - and took it to the kitchen . There , I put the gun back in its hiding place . If T ' Gatoi noticed the achti 's wounds and demanded the gun , I would give it to her . Otherwise , let it stay where my father wanted it . I turned to take the achti to her , then hesitated . For several seconds , I stood in front of the closed door wondering why I was suddenly afraid . I knew what was going to happen . I hadn 't seen it before but T ' Gatoi had shown me diagrams and drawings . She had made ! sure I knew the truth as soon as I was old enough to understand it . Yet I did not want to go into that room . I wasted a little time choosing a knife from the carved , wooden box in which my mother kept them . T ' Gatoi might want one , I told myself , for the tough , heavily furred hide of the achti . I swallowed . I had not imagined a single moving of the feet could be so difficult . I realized I was trembling and that shamed me . Shame impelled me through the door . I put the achti down near T ' Gatoi and saw that Lomas was unconscious again . She , Lomas , and I were alone in the room - my mother and sisters probably sent out so they would not have to watch . I envied them . But my mother came back into the room as T ' Gatoi seized the achti . Ignoring the knife I offered her , she extended claws from several of her limbs and slit the achti from throat to anus . She looked at me , her yellow eyes intent . " Hold this man 's shoulders , Gan . " I stared at Lomas in panic , realizing that I did not want to touch him , let alone hold him . This would not be like shooting an animal . Not as quick , not as merciful , and , I hoped , not as final , but there was nothing I wanted less than to be part of it . My mother came forward . " Gan , you hold his right side , " she said . " I 'll hold his left . " And if he came to , he would throw her off without realizing he had done it . She was a tiny woman . She often wondered aloud how she had produced , as she said , such " huge " children . Lomas began to groan and make choked sounds . I had hoped he would stay unconscious . T ' Gatoi put her face near his so that he focused on her . " There 's no more time , Bram . I 'll sting you as soon as it s over . When T ' Khotgif ! " arrives she 'll give you eggs to help you heal . It will be over soon . " Lomas 's entire body stiffened under T ' Gatoi 's claw , though she merely rested it against him as she wound the rear section of her body around his legs . He might break my grip , but he would not break hers . He wept helplessly as she used his pants to tie his hands , then pushed his hands above his head so that I could kneel on the cloth between them and pin them in place . She rolled up his shirt and gave it to him to bite down on . His body convulsed with the first cut . He almost tore himself away from me . The sound he made . . . I had never heard such sounds come from anything human . T ' Gatoi seemed to pay no attention as she lengthened and deepened the cut , now and then pausing to lick away blood . His blood vessels contracted , reacting to the chemistry of her saliva , and the bleeding slowed . I felt as though I were helping her torture him , helping her consume him . I knew I would vomit soon , didn 't know why I hadn 't already . I couldn 't possibly last until she was finished . She found the first grub . It was fat and deep red with his blood - both inside and out . It had already eaten its own egg case but apparently had not yet begun to eat its host . At this stage , it would eat any flesh except its mother 's . Let alone , it would have gone on excreting the poisons that had both sickened and alerted Lomas . Eventually it would have begun to eat . By the time it ate its way out of Lomas 's flesh , Lomas would be dead or dying - and unable to take revenge on the thing that was killing him . There was always a grace period between the time the host sickened and the time the grubs began to eat him . It was limbless and boneless at this stage , perhaps fifteen centimeters long and two thick , blind and slimy with blood . It was like a large worm . T ' Gatoi put it into the belly of the achti , and it began at once to burrow . It would stay there and eat as long as there was anything to eat . Probing through Lomas 's flesh , she found two more , one of them smaller and more vigorous . " A male ! " she said happily . He would be dead before I would . He would be through his metamorphosis and screwing everything that would hold still before his sisters even had limbs . He was the only one to make a serious effort to bite T ' Gatoi as she placed him in the achti . Paler worms oozed to visibility in Lomas 's flesh . I closed my eyes . It was worse than finding something dead , rotting , and filled with tiny animal grubs . And it was far worse than any drawing or diagram . " Ah , there are more , " T ' Gatoi said , plucking out two long , thick grubs . You may have to kill another animal , Gan . Everything lives inside you Terrans . " I had been told all my life that this was a good and necessary thing Tlic and Terran did together - a kind of birth . I had believed it until now . I knew birth was painful and bloody , no matter what . But this was something else , something worse . And I wasn 't ready to see it . Maybe I never would be . Yet I couldn 't not see it . Closing my eyes didn 't help . T ' Gatoi found a grub still eating its egg case . The remains of the case were still wired into a blood vessel by their own little tube or hook or whatever . That was the way the grubs were anchored and the way they fed . They took only blood until they were ready to emerge . Then they ate their stretched , elastic egg cases . Then they ate their hosts . T ' Gatoi bit away the egg case , licked away the blood . Did she like the taste ? Did childhood habits die hard - or not die at all ? " One more , I think , " she said . " Perhaps two . A good family . In a host animal these days , we would be happy to find one or two alive . " She glanced at me . " Go outside , Gan , and empty your stomach . Go now while the man is unconscious . " I staggered out , barely made it . Beneath the tree just beyond the front door , I vomited until there was nothing left to bring up . Finally , I stood shaking , tears streaming down my face . I did not know why I was crying , but I could not stop . I went further from the house to avoid being seen . Every time I closed my eyes I saw red worms crawling over redder human flesh . There was a car coming toward the house . Since Terrans were forbidden motorized vehicles except for certain farm equipment , I knew this must be Lomas 's Tlic with Qui and perhaps a Terran doctor . I wiped my face on my shirt , struggled for control . " Gan , " Qui called as the car stopped . " What happened ? " He crawled out of the low , round , Tlic - convenient car door . Another Terran crawled out the other side and went into the house without speaking to me . The doctor . With his help and a few eggs , Lomas might make it . The Tlic driver surged out of her car , reared up half her length before me . She was paler and smaller than T ' Gatoi - probably born from the body of an animal . Tlic from Terran bodies were always larger as well as more numerous . " Lomas ? " she said harshly . I liked her for the question and the concern in her voice when she asked it . The last coherent thing he had said was her name . I said nothing . I had extended courtesy to the Tlic . Now I didn 't want to talk to anyone . I hoped he would go in - out of curiosity if nothing else . I walked away from him . He and I had been close when we were kids . He would let me follow him around when I was home , and sometimes T ' Gatoi would let me bring him along when she took me into the city . But something had happened when he reached adolescence . I never knew what . He began keeping out of T ' Gatoi 's way . Then he began running away - until he realized there was no " away . " Not in the Preserve . Certainly not outside . After that he concentrated on getting his share of every egg that came into the house and on looking out for me in a way that made me all but hate him - a way that clearly said , as long as I was all right , he was safe from the Tlic . " I had . . . never seen a person cut open before . " That was true , and enough for him to know . I couldn 't talk about the other . Not with him . " I saw them eat a man . " He paused . " It was when I was little . I had been to the Hartmund house and I was on my way home . Halfway here , I saw a man and a Tlic and the man was N ' Tlic . The ground was hilly . I was able to hide from them and watch . The Tlic wouldn 't open the man because she had nothing to feed the grubs . The man couldn 't go any further and there were no houses around . He was in so much pain , he told her to kill him . He begged her to kill him . Finally , she did . She cut his throat . One swipe of one claw . I saw the grubs eat their way out , then burrow in again , still eating . " " They do sometimes . " I glanced at him . Actually , they prefer women . You should be around them when they talk among themselves . They say women have more body fat to protect the grubs . But they usually take men to leave the women free to bear their own young . " " Sure it is . You weren 't supposed to see it , that 's all . And his Tlic was supposed to do it . She could sting him unconscious and the operation wouldn 't have been as painful . But she 'd still open him , pick out the grubs , and if she missed even one , it would poison him and eat him from the inside out . " There was actually a time when my mother told me to show respect for Qui because he was my older brother . I walked away , hating him . In his way , he was gloating . He was safe and I wasn 't . I could have hit him , but I didn 't think I would be able to stand it when he refused to hit back , when he looked at me with contempt and pity . I hit him . I didn 't know I was going to do it , but I think I meant to kill him . If he hadn 't been bigger and stronger , I think I would have . He tried to hold me off , but in the end , had to defend himself . He only hit me a couple of times . That was plenty . I don 't remember going down , but when I came to , he was gone . It was worth the pain to be rid of him . I got up and walked slowly toward the house . The back was dark . No one was in the kitchen . My mother and sisters were sleeping in their bedrooms - or pretending to . I sat down at my mother 's table , waiting for quiet . The table was smooth and worn , heavy and well crafted . My father had made it for her just before he died . I remembered hanging around underfoot when he built it . He didn 't mind . Now I sat leaning on it , missing him . I could have talked to him . He had done it three times in his long life . Three clutches of eggs , three times being opened up and sewed up . How had he done it ? How did anyone do it ? " T ' Khotgif - Ch ' Khotgif now - she will die of her disease . She will not live to raise her children . But her sister will provide for them , and for Bram Lomas . " Sterile sister . One fertile female in every lot . One to keep the family going . That sister owed Lomas more than she could ever repay . " Nothing . Nothing important . " Human eyes probably wouldn 't have noticed the swelling in the darkness . The only light was from one of the moons , shining through a window across the room . " The animals we once used began killing most of our eggs after implantation long before your ancestors arrived , " she said softly . " You know these things , Gan . Because your people arrived , we are relearning what it means to be a healthy , thriving people . And your ancestors , fleeing from their homeworld , from their own kind who would have killed or enslaved them - they survived because of us . We saw them as people and gave them the Preserve when they still tried to kill us as worms . " This was going too fast . My sister Hoa had had almost as much to do with raising me as my mother . I was still close to her - not like Qui . She could want T ' Gatoi and still love me . I shook my head . " Don 't do it to her , Gatoi . " I was not Qui . It seemed I could become him , though , with no effort at all . I could make Xuan Hoa my shield . Would it be easier to know that red worms were growing in her flesh instead of mine ? It was clearly hard for her to let go of the rifle . A shudder went through her and she made a hissing sound of distress . It occurred to me that she was afraid . She was old enough to have seen what guns could do to people . Now her young and this gun would be together in the same house . She did not know about the other guns . In this dispute , they did not matter . Why else had I been given a whole egg to eat while the rest of the family was left to share one ? Why else had my mother kept looking at me as though I were going away from her , going where she could not follow ? Did T ' Gatoi imagine I hadn 't known ? She flowed around me and into my bedroom . I found her waiting on the couch we shared . There was nothing in Hoa 's room that she could have used . She would have done it to Hoa on the floor . The thought of her doing it to Hoa at all disturbed me in a different way now , and I was suddenly angry . Yet I undressed and lay down beside her . I knew what to do , what to expect . I had been told all my life . I felt the familiar sting , narcotic , mildly pleasant . Then the blind probing of her ovipositor . The puncture was painless , easy . So easy going in . She undulated slowly against me , her muscles forcing the egg from her body into mine . I held on to a pair of her limbs until I remembered Lomas holding her that way . Then I let go , moved inadvertently , and hurt her . She gave a low cry of pain and I expected to be caged at once within her limbs . When I wasn 't , I held on to her again , feeling oddly ashamed . " Yes . " I leaned my forehead against her . She was cool velvet , deceptively soft . " And to keep you for myself , " I said . It was so . I didn 't understand it , but it was so . I didn 't like the sound of that - and I doubted that it was possible . " Not protected , " I said . " Shown . Shown when we 're young kids , and shown more than once . Gatoi , no Terran ever sees a birth that goes right . All we see is N ' Tlic - pain and terror and maybe death . " Her tone kept me from insisting - that and the knowledge that if she changed her mind , I might be the first public example . But I had planted the thought in her mind . Chances were it would grow , and eventually . she would experiment . The small amount of fluid that came into me with her egg relaxed me as completely as a sterile egg would have , so that I could remember the rifle in my hands and my feelings of fear and revulsion , anger and despair . I could remember the feelings without reviving them . I could talk about them . I moved carefully , uncomfortable . " I could have done that . I nearly did . That 's Qui 's ' away . ' I wonder if he knows . " |
I have to tell you that it 's something I 'm awfully short of right now despite the fact that I 'm drinking coffee and am trying to perk up my mind . I 'm working on my second cup but haven 't reached that state of sharp wittedness yet that allows my imagination to run free . It 's possible that I have too many cobwebs in my mind and that it 's not going to happen today . I 'm lacking that inner perkiness that would let it happen more naturally . All day long I have been in a minor mood . This despite the fact that today is a national holiday and a lot of people are out celebrating it . Maybe it is because I 'm not that I am in a minor mood but there 's no need to start analyzing that . I will leave that stone unturned . It 's not necessary to do an archeological dig into my mind every time . Suffice it to say that I 'm not in a celebratory mood . Tomorrow normal life will start up again and we can all act like normal people again . The Belgians will have a holiday and populate downtown . But that will not be of concern to me . My life will return to its regular routine and that 's all I care about . If I were part of a family unit , I might feel differently but since I am alone , I feel this way . The holidays are always harder to get through when you 're not plural . I have to be honest with you and tell you that I 've started smoking again . It proved to be too difficult to quit . I found it too hard to fill the empty hours without smoking cigarettes . It 's how I get through the day and I have no other way to do it . I spend so much time in my own company and I alone am not enough . I could not stand to sit and do nothing . It is the only thing that gives me any kind of joy because I have no hobbies . That 's the kind of dull person I 've become . I 'm not interested in anything but sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel . I can spend a lot of time doing that . I lead a very uninteresting life and I 'm aware of that . Smoking cigarettes is what keeps me sane . Yesterday I had to make an emergency trip to the convenCiao , I am sitting here with a strong cup of coffee . I need it because I am so sleepy . I want to take a nap at every opportunity . I think that is because I 've quit smoking . It seems to me that I had this reaction before . Of course , I can 't keep sleeping . I will have to get up now and then too . I hope this coffee gives me some perkiness . I only made one cup because I thought it would be enough but I may have to make more . Of course , taking naps is one way to get through the day if I can 't smoke . It does occupy my time . I have to think of things to do to keep my mind off the cigarettes that I can 't have . If I just sit in my armchair without anything to do it gets too difficult . I do need to be a bit diverted . This morning there were cultural programs on televsion that helped me keep my mind busy . Now I 'm trying to do the same thing with the internet . I make it sound like I 'm having a heck of a time not smoking but it really isn 't that bad . It 's all within the limits of my control . I 'm not going crazy yet with withdrawal but I Γ‘m having an allergic reaction to the nicotine patches . Where they are and have been , I have perfect squares of bright red skin . That does make you think , doesn 't it ? Because it 's the weekend , I don 't have much on the program . On top of that it 's a three day weekend because on Monday it is Queen 's Day and that is a national holiday . Actually , I can be as lazy as I want to be and that 's the nice part about it . I can take naps whenever I want . As long as I take care of the animals , I can have totally unstructured days and nights . I 'm sure there 's some advantage to that . It 's actually a warm day here today and it feels like it 's 23 degrees Celcius outside . Isn 't that unbelievable ? I 've got the kitchen window wide open so I can smell the fresh air . Unfortunately , there 's hardly any wind so there 's not much of a draft . Still , I mustn 't complain . It was raining during the night and now it 's dry , although the sun is not out completely . I hope the weather stays good like this for the whole three day weekend . The queen deserves good weather to celebrate her day in . The coffee has perked me up properly and I am functioning again . One cup turned out to be enough but it was a strong one . I think the dog wants to go for a walk so I better take him now . He acts like it 's urgent . Of course , he always does . Have a nice day . Just when I claimed that the dog never slept on his big pillow beside the bed , he has started sleeping on it and making a liar out of me . The very fact that I mentioned it must have been a trigger for him to start using it . That happens a lot when I mention some sort of behavior of his here on this blog . The minute I do he starts doing it in the exact opposite way I claimed he did . Maybe he secretly turns the computer on when I 'm asleep and reads my blog . That will make world news . It will teach me not to make generalized statements about the dog because they all will prove to be untrue . When I mentioned the other day that he was completely house broken , he did a neat turd directly by the back door on the linoleum . When I say he 's best friends with the cat , he starts bothering her something awful as if he doesn 't like her at all . Anything I say about him , he 'll prove differently . He 's an ornery dog . Other than that he thinks that every banana I eat is supposed to be shared with him and he looks very disappointed if he only gets one bite . He thinks I go to the toilet just to sit there and rub his belly because he always follows me into the bathroom . The first thing I do every morning is greet him as if he 's the most important creature in the world ( don 't tell anyone but he is ) . He 's an attachment of me just as well as my arm or leg is . So much for that rotten dog . I went to the hairdresser this morning and had the great pleasure of having my hair washed and cut . When my hair was washed , I also got a great head massage and I had been secretly hoping for one . I needed it because my muscles were very tight and they loosened up quite a bit . I got a great haircut and it 's very easy to manage . Everybody who works there knows how I want my hair cut and they all do a great job . I do have my personal preference but anyone can do it . It had been something like seven weeks since I had it cut so it was more than time for it to be done . I was amazed at how much hair came off . I do see a very middle aged woman when I look in the mirror at the hairdresser . It 's even worse when my hair is wet and it sticks up in all directions . It 's best not to be too critical of yourself then . I purposely don 't wear my glasses when I go . I don 't have to see every detail . Every evening it rains but luckily it does so after I have taken the dog for a walk . Well no , it was raining a bit when I took him this evening but we didn 't get wet too badly . All it took was a bt of a rub with a towel to get us dry again . The dog does enjoy that . He comes running when he sees the towel and very willingly stands and gets rubbed dry all over . It 's much easier now that his fur is cut so short . It 's raining harder now and I think we got back inside just on time . It doesn 't really rain during the day and I suppose the rain in the evening is good for nature and the farmers . I haven 't heard anything about it on the news . There 's usually some news about the water level in the rivers also but I haven 't heard anything about that either . Maybe the snow in the Alps hasn 't melted yet . I have had a quiet day in which I have done nothing but contemplate my navel a lot and it has been most peaceful . I was not bored for one minute but enjoyed sitting in my armchair and letting the time slowly go by without feeling that I had to fill it with activity . It was enough just to sit and exist and be aware of that . I also took a nap and got up late in the morning . I still enjoy sleeping . It 's one of my favorite hobbies . I fall asleep within a minute after putting my head down on the pillow and don 't remember a thing after that . I usually wake up quite refreshed unless I 'm grumpy like I was yesterday . But that was the exception to the rule . The dog sleeps on the bed with me because there 's linoleum in that bedroom and no carpeting . He doesn 't sleep on the big pillow that 's beside the bed . He never really did get used to it . The linoleum is too cold to sleep on , although he may appreciate in the summertime when it is hot . I can 't imagine hot temperatures now but I am looking forward to them . This Saturday it 's supposed to get up to 24C degrees and we won 't know what hit us . That will be the warmest it has been since last year . I 've got just a few cigarettes left and no tobacco . The empty package is in the trash bag . I wiCiao , I 've got an extremely grumpy mood and I think it 's because I just woke up from a nap . I must have gotten out on the wrong side of the bed or I haven 't had enough coffee yet . The sun is shining outside so it 's not the weather 's fault . I must drink another cup of coffee and see if that will straighten me out . I can 't stay grumpy because I am my own worst enemy this way . If I could kick myself in the rear end , I would do it . I don 't usually wake up grumpy from naps . As a rule I am quite reasonable . I only need the coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind , not to put me in a good mood . As a matter of fact , I 'm a quite mild mannered person and not prone to grumpiness . That doesn 't mean that I don 't think a person is not allowed to be it once in a while . We can 't all be saints . There is a time and a place for everything . A lesser mood does happen when you 're a mere mortal . Besides , the Greek gods were famous for their moodiness . I know I will get over it in no time at all and that this will not last . I 'm not going to stay grumpy for the rest of the day . It 's just a temporary hitch in the system . Just by writing about it I will start feeling better . And I can always talk myself out of everything , including temporary grumpiness . In the meantime , I 'm having another cup of coffee and I 'm already starting to feel better . I don 't feel so overwhelmed anymore . I just made another pack of cigarettes from my dwindling tobacco supply and I think by tomorrow I should be all out of it . Then it will be time for the nicotine patches . I 'm lucky that I still have those and that I don 't have to go out and spend the money on them because they are expensive enough . It 's been a great day today in which nothing of importance happened whatsoever and that was fine with me . I watched the news updates a lot because politically there 's a lot going on right now and I do want to stay informed . It looks like we 're going to have elections on September the 12th and that gives all the parties time to prepare for them properly . Having elections on JuneCiao , It 's already halfway through the evening and it 's still light outside . The sun keeps setting later each day . I do like it because it gives me hope that summer is really on its way . You wouldn 't think it was springtime the way the weather is behaving , although the temperatures are only a little bit below normal for the time of year . I 've only watched the news to see what was happening politically in the country and didn 't see the weather forecast so I have no idea how the rest of the week is going to be . The prime minister turned in his and his cabinet 's resignation to the queen this afternoon . Her acceptance should be a mere formality . A lot of political parties want elections as soon as possible but others say to wait until September . There are the Euro Cup Football half finals on the day they picked in June . I 'll not bore you with the politics of my country . I 'm sure you 're more than bored enough with the politics of your own country . Or maybe you get excited about them too like I do . The dog ate a banana and an apple . I asked him if he was happy in English and he mistook the word " happy " for the word " apple " which is pronounced almost the same way in Dutch as it is in English . Of course I had no rest after that until I had peeled him an apple . He did eat some of his regular food but not until I threw away what was left over and put new food into his bowl . He is picky . He does require new kibbles every day . Everything has to be as fresh as possible . The cat is the same way and right they are . I ate vanilla pudding after the Exfactor went to the grocery store and bought it . It 's my major downfall and what I really like most of all . After I 've had it , I 'm happy for the rest of the day . I don 't have that with any kind of other food . It 's completely satisfactory and filling . I 've decided to give quitting smoking another try . I 'm going to finish the tobacco I have left and then start on the nicotine patches . I have enough of those for the first two weeks . This will be the third time that I try it and that should be Ciao , I 'm always the most comfortable when I tell you that I 'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette . It sets the stage , sort to say . I 've taken a nap and now it 's almost evening . Outside the sky looks threatening and it wouldn 't surprise me if we got another terrible shower that we seem to get every evening . Inside it is a little chilly because I don 't have the heater turned on yet . I don 't know why I 'm being so stubborn . I guess I 'd rather sit here and freeze my buns off but the cup of hot coffee is warming me somewhat . My mood is neither here nor there . It 's unimportant and I 'm not going to waste any words on it . The less said about it the better . This weekend the government collapsed and we will have new elections . A lot of people have been waiting for this to happen , including me . I was not too fond of the government and I hoped it would collapse . Still , I was pleasantly surprised when it did . It collapsed over the budgetary cut backs and how severe they were going to be and believe me , they were . Now it is hoped that all the other political parties come up with their better alternative budgets so we can make sensible decisions . Because of the summer holidays , the elections won 't take place until September at the earliest . Everyone will get the time to prepare themselves properly . I already know which party I 'm going to vote for , so I 'm more than ready to . There was also a train accident at the Central Station in Amsterdam . For some reason there were two trains on the same track that hit eack other head on . There were many wounded and a lot of them severe . For now it is unknown how these two trains ended up on the same track but there 's going to be an investigation . So , despite the fact that I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping , I did manage to stay well informed . I watched the news as events unfolded and took naps in between . I did miss most of the sports that were on but I 'm going to watch the highlights tonight . A couple of football games were played today and I want to know their outcomes . Except Ciao , I 'm allowing myself to be officially depressed . There 's no reason to fight it because I 've been becoming it since the middle of the night when I sat up with a cup of coffee and tried to deny it . It 's always better to acknowledge it and give into it than to try and act as if there 's nothing wrong , which is impossible anyway . I usually feel relieved when I admit I am depressed . It 's like suddenly falling into a deep hole and not knowing what exactly preceeded it . I never seem to know how I ended up there . There I find myself and at first I don 't even realize what 's wrong . I just feel extreme discomfort . It 's good to give it a name once I 've figured out what it is . It 's even better to talk about it . I act like what I do here is talk but it does feel like that . I do imagine that you 're all listening to me and are pondering it over . I don 't know how much of that is actually true and I don 't have to know . Just leave me with my illusions . The bad part about being depressed is that it 's very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything . Mostly you want to crawl into a little hole and disappear . At least be somewhere warm and safe , maybe some place like the womb . I 'm trying to get out of doing most everything , although that 's very difficult when you 're the only person in your household . I can 't expect the animals to take over . I 'm constantly cold and in need of warmth . I want the sun to shine on me but I 'll have no such luck with this kind of weather . Besides , it is at the end of the afternoon and gray and cloudy and the sun is low in the sky . It has just started to rain too . There is no joy in being depressed . There is only the relief of acknowledgement and the giving into it . You don 't have to fight a battle . I certainly am not going to waste my time on one . It would be silly to because I would lose it . I 'm going to very kindly take care of myself . Have a good evening . There 's nothing that perks you up as well as drinking a freshly brewed cup of coffee . It makes a tremendous amount of difference with a cup of instant coffee which doesn 't seem to do a lot for me in comparrison . I had forgotten what it was like to drink a freshly brewed cup of coffee and what it did for me but I 'm glad I 'm having the experience now . It has improved my mood tremendously and I haven 't felt as good since the old coffeemaker died . The Exfactor was kind enough to bring me the new coffeemaker yesterday because he didn 't want me to drink the instant coffee any longer and thought I shouldn 't have to wait until Friday when he is coming over next . I sure do appreciate that . It 's the seemingly little things in life that make the most difference and that make you the most happy . You can savor them and be truly glad that you 've got them . In that same manner I 'm enjoying the newly trimmed dog who looks so different and who I have to keep looking at with a smile . He 's taken on a whle new appearance and it 's like I took a new dog home from the trim salon . I know he 's the same dog because he shows the same amount of adoration if not more so because he thought I had abandoned him forever there . We 're bonding up a storm and are like a newly wed couple and inseperable . I had missed him for the time he was gone . So had the cat . I 'm now drinking a tall glass of ice cold milk to quench my thrist and to get over the high of the coffee . I do have to settle down again because I have to go back to bed again in a while . It 's with some mixed feelings that I look forward to that because I 'm wide awake but I 'll soon start yawning and be more ready to go . After having had things on the program for the past three days , I have nothing going on tomorrow and I can sleep as late as I want . It 's also with mixed feelings that I look forward to that . I 'd like to sleep late but actually doubt if I will having gotten used to waking up early . I won 't know what to do with myself and hope I can find some household chores to do . We 're supposed to have periods of rain and it won 't be all that warm , but rain was promised yesterday too and not much came of it . There were some splatters and that was about it . We don 't always get a lot of the weather down here in the south that the rest of the country gets . I 've finished my milk and will be off to my bed now . The dog has been out back twice in the time I 've sat here . I think the second time was just for amusement but I couldn 't be sure . Sometimes he has legitimate reasons . I hope you 're all having a good night . Ciao , Frankly , I 've looked high and low for inspiration and I haven 't found any yet but maybe I 'll stumble over it when I 've finished this cup of coffee . Anything is possible after all . What I want to write about may be staring me right in the face and I may be overlooking it completely . It may be as simple as not looking good enough . Or not having had enough coffee yet . That could be the case also . I 'll quickly finish this cup . I just mustn 't dribble . The Exfactor called me a while ago to ask me what color I wanted my coffeemaker in . He was at the Kijkshop getting ready to buy one at a very good price . He will deliver it to me on Friday and then I will be able to make regular coffee again and my heart will soar . I hope I still remember how to make it correctly and haven 't lost the skill . I do still have the coffee . I have two full packages ready to use on the kitchen shelf . Isn 't that utterly convenient ? The dog was sitiing beside me begging for an apple . At least I think that 's what he wanted . He usually does at this time of the afternoon . He remembers they are in the refrigerator and gets a hunkering for them . He patiently sits beside me in the kitchen while I peel one for him and then goes to the living room to eat it . He always goes to look at the peel on the counter afterwards but it 's too far away for him to get it . I don 't think he should be ingesting any pesticides . Isn 't he cute , though ? Him and his apples . The wind from the south has picked up and is blowing dry leaves through the street rapidly . It looks like autumn out there . It makes me feel cold just watching it . I feel that I should go and put my winter clothes on . Sometimes the weather is beautiful at this time of year but we sure didn 't get lucky this time . It was supposed to have rained today too but it never did , thank goodness . I still have to go out and walk the dog and I don 't want my nearly perfect hairdo to get ruined . My cup of coffee is empty and I 'm out of inspiration and never really found it . As a result , it 's not much of a post but what tIrene I 'm actually still yawning from the long nap I took this afternoon and the cup of coffee I just had has not made much of an impact yet . I guess I didn 't make it strong enough and the second cup will have to pack a punch . That 's why my mood is still undetermined and I have no idea of how I 'm put together yet . I think right now I 'm mostly grumpy but I 'll try to get over that as quickly as I can and you can all be witness to it . Watch a metamorphosis take place . I must be in one of those cycles that I need a lot of sleep because I have not gotten a shortage of it for the last 24 hours . It seems that I can 't get enough of it . I even slept on the sofa for an hour while I was waiting for the domestic help to get here . When she did , I was so comatose that I could hardly talk to her . So much for my conversational skills that usually don 't let me down . But right now I 'd rather sleep than do almost anything else and that includes eating , although that doesn 't say much . The sun has been shining a lot today but it hasn 't actually been a warm day . I did have to wear my winter coat when I went out and I 've had the heater on for most of the day . I do have to admit that I get cold quickly and I seem to be allergic to the cold . I was definitely meant to live in a warmer climate . But at least the sun was out and it did cheer things up . Of course , the world is a lot greener and that does make things look a lot more cheerful too . I do appreciate the fact that I have to go out a couple of times a day to walk the dog because otherwise I would not be aware of how quickly nature is changing right now . It 's thΓ© opportunity for me to be out regularly and see how green the trees are becoming and how many dandelions there are growing in the grass . The lowly dandelion does have its place in nature too . There , I 've become sensible and wide awake again and I never did have that second cup of coffee . I had two glasses of cold milk instead . I was very thirsty and slightly hungry too . That milk took care of that . I can now move on to the next chCiao , I 'm slightly discombobulated from having fallen asleep in my armchair . I had pulled the red fleece blanket over me because I was cold and before I knew it , I had nodded off . I slept sitting up like that for about an hour and woke up completely disoriented . It was a bit of an unusual place to take a nap , after all . I 'm still yawning now after a cup of coffee and I 'll have to have a second one before I really am awake . I just peeled an apple for the dog and he ate it with much appetite . I secretly obeserved him eating it . It 's so much fun to watch . He takes delicate bites and makes thoughtful crunching sounds when he chews . For a while , nothing in the world exists but that apple . I 've gotten a second cup of coffee and I 'm starting to feel better now . I 'm not quite as fuzzy as I was . Cups of coffee are so good for my mental health . If tea did the same thing I would drink it but I have not experienced the proof of it yet . The afternoon is drawing to a close and we didn 't see any sunshine all day . It has been dreary and cold . The wind was coming from the north - east today and that usually means it 's colder . I 've had the heater on for most of the day and even so I 've been feeling chilled . I think I 'm wearing enough clothes but that doesn 't seem to help . If I really want to do something nice for myself , I 'd change the bed and I think that 's just what I 'll do . It will be a treat to get under a clean duvet cover this evening . Besides , I 've got that new good smelling washing powder and it does make the laundry smell good . It 's great to have it drying on the clothes rack . My thumb is healing up quite nicely and doesn 't hurt half as bad as it did yesterday . I can even use it a little bit if I 'm careful . I 'm very careful with the new paring knife now that I know how sharp it is . I treat it with the respect it deserves . The Amstel Gold Race was taking place here this afternoon and there were helicopters in the air making lots of noise . It must have been a madhouse along the route . I didn 't follow the race on television , althougIrene At least I can tell you one thing for certain , I 'm having better instant coffee now than I have been having . I got the better brand today which I won 't mention by name but it is very well known . It sure makes a difference in how good the coffee tastes and I 'm drinking it with more pleasure . I no longer make an ugly face when I take the first sip . I 'm even looking forward to the second cup . I 've got groceries in the apartment and I can eat good things again . I celebrated that by eating vanilla pudding and I peeled an apple for the dog which he ate with much enthusiasm . The only problem is that I cut myself in my thumb while peeling the apple and it went deep . For a while ( about an hour ) I was bleeding all over the place . I have to be careful with my thumb now or it will start all over again . Do you know how difficult it is not to use your thumb ? It is raining outside and has been for a while . I thought it was just a shower at first but it kept on raining and hasn 't stopped for the past hour and a half . The dog very enthisiastically wanted to go for a walk just now but I let him out back and he got the message . He 's now lying belly up beside me with his four paws in the air , sound asleep . He 's so exposed , it does make you want to tickle him . I 'll be kind and not do that . I 've got to think of my thumb too . I 'm still yawning from the nap I took . I thought , while I wait for my thumb to stop bleeding I might as well take a nap . The animals slept on the bed with me and it was very cozy . I like the room I sleep in now and am used to it . It is very much my room . I would like to add some different furniture to it but those are just future dreams . I can go to the Ikea website any time and long for all the things I want to get . Because I smoke again , I won 't have the money to get anything . That 's the price I pay . Since it 's Saturday evening , there will no doubt be many boring television shows on . I will have to find another way to amuse myself . I don 't hang out on Facebook much anymore having become completely bored with it Irene I haven 't taken a nap but I 'm having a cup of that delicious instant coffee instead to perk me up . I need the caffeine so I don 't mind how bad it tastes . Actually , I am getting used to it so it isn 't the awful experience I make it sound like . It serves the purpose and that 's what counts . It is true that I can 't wait for a decent cup of coffee and that I 've almost forgotten what one tastes like . It will be like an angel peeing on my tongue . The day has gone by quickly and no doubt that was partly due to the fact that I slept late this morning . The dog was kind enough not to wake me up at all . I very leisurely had a cup of coffee in my armchair while I remembered who I was and what day it was . I didn 't realize that it was Friday the 13th but it wouldn 't have made any difference . I would have approached the day the same way . I was glad it was Friday and that the domestic help was going to be here to clean up the apartment . It 's nice to enter the weekend with everything in ship shape . All I had to do was the dishes and some laundry and make the bed . Luckily it was not that cold outside so I could open the windows and let the place air out . For that reason I 'm looking forward to the real springtime so I will be able to always have the windows open . I have headaches off and on and sometimes I take a painkiller for them . At least I know why I get them and I 'm not worried about them . It 's just a bit of a bother . I mostly try to relax and ignore them . I do pay attention to how I hold myself . I make sure that I 'm not in a cramped up position and that I sit behind the computer straight . I also think that I need to get some new pillows for my bed . The ones I have are a little old and not so very supportive . I just noticed that the domestic help cleaned the French way , in other words , with a lick and a promise . I just gathered a lot of dog hair out from underneath my desk . There 's a lot of dust on the baseboard too . I think people in the south don 't clean as rigorously as people in the north . The furniture doesn 't get vacuumeHave a good evening . I woke up from my nap with a headache so that was not a good begin to the rest of the day . But it got better as I moved around and now it is nearly gone . I haven 't yet taken a painkiller and will not unless I have to . I 'd rather not take anything if I don 't absolutely have to . It 's amazing though that you can get a headache from sleeping . I thought that was a very relaxing activity . I guess I don 't know everything yet . I woke up half way through my nap because the dog had thrown the alarm clock to the ground where it landed in three seperate pieces . Fortunately , it was still working and when I put it back together it was still telling the right time . I do have to get another , sturdier alarm clock . This one is rather old and rickety . I got it from the Exfactor to use temporarily . That 's been long enough now . You should look gift horses in the mouth sometimes . The first thing I did when I got up was make a cup of coffee . It may be instant coffee but I needed the caffeine . I 'm properly activated now after the first cup but I can 't take the dog for a walk because it 's raining outside . That means I 'll have another cup of coffee and wait a while . The dog is very patient and didn 't even want to stay out back for fear of getting wet . He is sensible sometimes . The older he gets , the more sensible he becomes . The rain stopped and the sun suddenly came out and it was the perfect time to take the dog out . It was lovely outside and not too cold . It was perfect to be out there for a while and get some fresh air . I do so appreciate the longer days . I feel like I 've been out in the country . That 's a lot of wishful thinking on my part . The air did feel awfully clean , though . I feel completely restored by it . The dog is casually eating his dinner but I neglected the cat and almost forgot to give her her kibbles . She did sit on the kitchen counter with a look of astonishment on her face . I quickly remedied that and she 's now chowing down from a newly filled bowl . I suppose I must start thinking about what to eat for dinner myself . I first have to take my medicines . I 'm a very faithful medicine taker and never skip a dose and very seldom forget to take them . For this reason , my psychiatrist is very fond of me . I think I will have Greek yoghurt and a banana and share the banana with the dog . He is awfully fond of them and they are starting to get a little spotted . Tomorrow the Exfactor will do the groceries and buy more of the things I like best . Luckily , they are not the most expensive . I 'm an inexpensive consumer . It doesn 't matter what the prices are at the supermarket . I always fall into the cheap category . Right , off I go . I hope you 'll all have a good evening with something good to eat . That 's what I intend to describe here anyway , although it will probably turn in to a description of many long moments in time because I 'm sitting here comfortably with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am not about to go anywhere . I 'm still sleepy enough to be nice and mellow but alert enough to make sense . At least I 'm not in one of my hypo - manic moods and floating on a cloud . I 'm completely down to earth where I belong . I 've done some sleeping already because I went to bed early last night . I didn 't have the patience to stay up late and watch television . I wanted to get comfortable under the duvet and drift off into sleep and dreamland . I don 't remember if I dreamed or not . If I did , it wasn 't very impressive because nothing stayed with me . They must have just been very ordinary things that weren 't worth remembering . I hope that when I go back to bed , the rest of my night will be like that also . There 's not much to talk about when you 're down to earth where you belong . I 'm frantically searching in my mind for subjects to discuss and all I can think of are the things I already talked about on my other blog . I don 't want to fall into repetition so I won 't be discussing them . I suppose that I 'm not as alert as I thought I was because normally I have no problem coming up with things to talk about . That warrants another cup of coffee and I 'm drinking it now . Hopefully it will loosen me up a bit . It 's a terrible thing when your mind lets you down . It 's the one thing you have to be able to rely on . That 's why you have to run a little interference every now and then and give it a little stimulance . A mind on its own sometimes can 't do a lot but sit there and be very dull . And that is very boring . My therapist wants me to see a woman who does breathing and relaxation techniques . She teaches you how to do them . My therapist thought they might be good for me to know because I now use tranquilizers . I 'm somewhat interested in this and already know the woman who teaches them from yoga classes that I took a long time ago aI hope you 're all having a good night . Now , in the late evening , it is raining buckets , but I don 't have to be out there so I am glad . The dog very briefly went out back and was more than happy to come back inside . He got wet enough in the very short time that he was out there . The cat very wisely is staying inside where she belongs . It may be a matter of being smarter or having better bladder control , I don 't know . I 'm fighting my sleepiness with a cup of instant coffee . It does serve its function in that capacity . I haven 't replaced the coffeemaker yet . There 's been no opportunity for it yet . It will wait a while as long as I have the instant coffee , I just have to get a better brand . Much as I dislike drinking it , I 'm sure that will make a difference . It 's been an interesting day today . I found out what I already suspected . I didn 't have to file income taxes over 2011 . I had gotten no paperwork about it and started to get big doubts so I called the tax office . The woman I got on the line confirmed my suspicions and reassured me that I would not have to . That was a relief to hear . I thought I might have been going into default and have gotten into trouble . Because I 'm switching energy companies , I was waiting for the final closure bill from my old energy provider with some dread . I thought I might be owing them all sorts of money because it had just been wintertime and an expensive time of the year . That bill came in the mail today and much to my relief , I 'm getting a nice amount of money back that I can really use . The gods smiled kindly upon me . Because of circumstances beyond my control . I had today to get a new telephone number and I thought that was going to be a quite involved process , but it turned out to be fairly easy . After a few formalities it was done in a flash and I will know my new number in a few days when it will be sent to me in the mail . My old number has already been disconnected so the problems with it should be resolved . The new number will be a secret number . I made an appointment for the dog to get his fur trimmed and I don ' tThat about sums up my day , except for the usual odds and ends . The laundry and the dishes and changing the bed , etc . I hope you 'll all have a good night and lots of good news . Ciao , I 've already been sleep but the dog woke me up by licking my hands and my face , He knows that 's a surefire way of waking me up , it works every time . I think he does it when he his bored of being all by himself and wants some company . He didn 't have to go out anyway . So here I am sitting with a cup of coffee and a cigarette . Outside it is raining like it has a lot today . No doubt we need it because it hasn 't rained a lot lately . It is a gentle rain and not coming down in buckets . That is some relief . And at least it isn 't very cold outside . I have been eating the Greeks yoghurt that I bought for my sister . It is delicious and I think I 'm hooked on it . It is so thick that you can set a spoon straight up in it . I eat it with brown sugar like she does and I can heartily recommend it . I like it at least as much as I like vanilla pudding and that is saying a lot . I don 't know how many calories there are in it , I think there must be a lot , but it is worth every bite . I 'm sure it 's very good for you too . I 've also got the drink yoghurt that I usually never buy in raspberry flavor . I will be having that next . I 'm looking forward to it . I actually wish I had buttermilk to drink and I will have the Exfactor buy that the next time he goes grocery shopping which will be tomorrow as a matter of fact . The timing couldn 't be better . I took the dog out for walks in the rain today and we did get wet which the dog didn 't mind at all . I didn 't either because I was dressed for it . We didn 't get overly wet and I dried the dog off with a towel when we got home . He did enjoy that but I get the top half of him more dry than the bottom half . That 's as much as he was able to co - operate . When I was done drying him , he was one mess of little curls which made him look very smart . I wish I could say the same for my hair , but it just stayed as straight as it always was . Things are divided unequally in this world . Of course , people with curly hair want straight hair . Having straight hair , I just don 't understand that . The cat stayed inside for mGave a good night you all . I am getting used to the horrid taste of the instant coffee and have almost forgotten what a decent cup of coffee tastes like . I guess that 's a good thing . If I am going to drink this awful stuff , I may as well get used to it and not find it as horrible as I did in the beginning . It does what it is supposed to do and that is get me alert enough after I wake up from sleeping or if I 'm having a dip . The fact that it has caffeine in it is the most important thing , although I did have my doubts about that when I first started drinking it . I even looked on the jar to make sure it wasn 't decaffeinated coffee . At first I thought it wasn 't doing a thing for me , but I 've since started making stronger cups of it . That 's working quite a bit better . The sad news is that my older sister was not able to come down here . She is in too bad a shape to make it . She called me this morning and was very disappointed . She had a packed bag all ready to go but had to cancel her trip . She is going to try and come later this month if she can get her illness under control better but I doubt she is going to be able to . I think until she 's seen the specialist , she 's just going to have an awfully hard time . At least I will be able to save most of the foods I bought for her stay here . Most of them can go into the freezer and the other ones can stay in the cupboards . I 'll have to eat the bananas but that will be no great sacrafice . I was looking forward to fixing the food but it will wait . It 's more fun to cook for two people than it is for one . I did go and have brunch with my younger sister and her family . She had all sorts of foods and a nicely laid out table . I had a hard boiled egg and a little bit of fruit salad but there were many more things to choose from . One of them was the special Easter bread which looked great but which I 'm unable to eat . I was awfully full when I was done eating and felt like I had eaten a ton of food . I wish I could have , it all looked so good . Instead of going for a walk with them after the meal , I went home andHappy Easter all of you ! My coffeemaker has completely given up the ghost . I was trying to make a pot of coffee but I waited for one in vain . It made an awful lot of noise and it looked like it was working as hard as it possibly could , but mostly some steam came out of the top . There was no hot water dripping into the filter and no coffee dripping into the pot . I ran a bottle of vinegar through it , which I should have done a long time ago , but it was all to no avail . It is now just sitting there doing nothing at all but playing dead . I 'm afraid I killed it through neglect and I 'll have to carry it to its last resting place and buy a new one . Unfortunately , the stores are all closed now and there 's not a coffeemaker to be gotten anywhere . That 's the bad news . The good news is that I do have a jar of instant coffee and , although it doesn 't taste very good , it does have caffeine in it and that is good enough for me . I do get some gratification out of it . It is through this minor miracle that I can sit here and be somewhat coherent and write this . It would be impossible otherwise . I did take a nap earlier and found out about the coffeemaker when I woke up and was shocked when I thought I wasn 't going to be able to drink coffee . Luckily , I remembered that jar of instant coffee on the shelf in the kitchen . My first reaction was to call the Exfactor to have him , as if by a magic , pull a coffeemaker out of his sleeve . I thought if anyone knew where to get a coffeemaker it would be him . He didn 't answer his telephone , however , and really , where would he have gotten one ? The things I expect of him ! I hope my sister doesn 't mind drinking instant coffee . The stores will be closed on Monday as well because it 's another holdiday , so a new coffeemaker can 't be bought until Tuesday . That 's a long time to go without a decent cup of coffee . We 'll have to try and get outselves invited somewhere else a lot . The Exfactor and I did the groceries this afternoon when everybody else and their brother was doing them too . People had their shopping trolleys filled with groceries and there seemed to be no recession going on . I 'm amazed at the money that is spent during the holidays . Maybe it 's a good thing because it 's good for the economy . I spent more than I usually do too . I 'm a over consumer also . I also cleaned house and that was a lot of fun . I found out that the vacuum cleaner wasn 't working properly and I fixed that . Apparently the domestic helps have been vacuuming at half power . I would have thought they 'd let me know . It sure made a difference once I fixed it . There was a stoppage where the hose entered the vacuum cleaner . I 've got to take the dog for a walk into the moon filled night . I 'm late , I 've been distracted . Have a good evening all of you . My stomach has been in such an uproar for the past 24 hours that I 've only been able to eat two rusk toasts and as a result I am very hungry . I don 't dare eat anything else , though , and am glad the rusk toast stayed down . I 've been trying to drink something besides water and I 'm now trying to drink a much needed cup of coffee . So far , so good . I don 't tolerate milk very well at all . I did miss the coffee very much , though . Who am I without my cups of coffee ? I can only think that this is a case of nerves about my sister coming to stay here and in case it is that , I have taken a tranquilizer about an hour ago . I do feel myself getting a lot more relaxed now and I think it may be doing me some good . I was also getting my headache back and I 've taken a painkiller . It 's very possible that stress translates itself into physical ailments in my case . It wouldn 't surprise me at any rate . I do have a tendency to let things bother me more than I realize and they build up inside of me until the very moment that it starts to count . I seem fine until that very moment . In the meantime , subversively , the stress is creeping up on me and shows itself suddenly in less expected ways . It seems to always do that in the form of some physical dysfunction . Lately it has been my stomach that seems to be the weak spot . Of course with my gastric band it is bound to be that way . My domestic help didn 't show up today and this was just on a day that I really needed her . I 'll have to do the housecleaning myself now . It 's not something I was counting on , especially not with an upset stomach . I hope I 'm doing much better by tomorrow . The Exfactor was here this afternoon to do the groceries , but we postponed getting them until tomorrow because I was in no shape to go to the supermarket with him to get them . I went to bed instead and took a much needed nap . I sure as heck hope that I 'm in good shape tomorrow because I 'll have enough to do . I also have to clean the patio . So you see , I 'm not doing all that great . I do wish I 'd get over it and I hopCiao , I am sitting here with my first cup of coffee and a cigarette and I 'm more than ready to start the day . I am up bright and sunny , but I don 't think the day is actually going to be . It is now cloudy and gray outside and it is supposed to stay that way . I 'm not going to let that press my good mood and I 'm totally going to ignore it . I will have a fine day no matter what the weather is going to be like . That 's the kind of mood I 'm in . I was up earlier during the night but I never did get around to writing a post . I was too busy on Pinterest because I had redivided some boards and of course I had to add new pins to them . That kept me out of trouble for a while . I had a wonderful time pretending I could make all my wishes come true . It 's like being a little girl and making your wish list for Santa Claus and sometimes these things come true . I 've cut down even more on my tranquilizers and am now down to only one dose of 10 mg at night . These were strong ones and they worked great when I was highstrung but they made me very sleepy when I was not . That resulted in me always wanting to take naps during the day and I hope I won 't feel that need now . I started taking them when I got so grumpy when I quit smoking the first time . It 's always best to get off these kinds of medications as quickly as possible but it can take a while before you are able to . You have to choose the right moment and you have to have the wilpower to do it . You actually have to be stubborn enough and damn well make up your mind you 're going to . Nobody else can make you do it . Don 't rely on anyone else . I jusr stepped outside when the dog had to go out back and it is nice and chilly out there . There 's a cold wind blowing and it felt good . All the trees and shrubs are green and it looks wonderful . It does give you hope for better weather , but this is okay with me too . I 'll just have to dress a little warmer when I take the dog for a walk in a while . I 'm looking forward to it . It will be nice to feel the cold air on my face . I don 't have much else to repCiao , I 'm not quite as wide awake as I usually am at this time of the night . For some reason I am more tired and sleepy . It could be because the dog woke me up out of a sound sleep when I was least prepared for it . He had to go out back , of course . At least he doesn 't have any accidents inside anymore . There are no more innocent puddles to step into in the morning . He no longer fouls his own nest . Thank goodness for small favors . I am having some coffee and it is waking me up somewhat , though I 'm not getting the caffeine kick that I usually do . I guess this is not my lucky night . I mustn 't despair , though . I haven 't had my second cup of coffee yet . Anything is still possible . I am usually full of piss and vinegar in the middle of the night and more than ready to write a post and do all sorts of things . Even more so than during the daytime . You 'd think I saved all my energy for the nighttime and used it all up then . Now I 'm sitting here yawning . I do have to keep looking at the bright side of things and that is that the night is peaceful and quiet and that all is well with my little world , but that 's just very personally speaking . It doesn 't take into account that my sister is going to be here and that she is very sick . The surgeon who saw her told her that her symptoms are too severe for it to be only a matter of gallstones . He is sending her to a gastroenterologist . I do worry about her and I think this news , that I got today , weighs heavy on my mind . I wanted the problem to be something simple like gallstones and wished for it , although I had my doubts . I think she did too . Now that I shared this with you , I feel a little bit lighter . I had not realized how much this was bothering me . I want to help her and will do whatever I can to make her stay here as pleasant as possible . I want to spoil her as much as I can . That speaks for itself , of course . At least I know now why I don 't have my usual get up and go . I can take that into account . I must cheer up and be more lively . It will not do to be down in the dumps . ItCiao , I opened the flatpacks that the dresser came in with some muscle power . They were very well closed and I had to rip them open . It said not to use a knife and I was obedient . Inside them were a myriad of different parts that had to be put together and a hundred different screws and nuts to do it with . There was also an instruction booklet of quite a few pages . Now , I know I 'm smart enough to tackle the job , but I looked at all the screws and nuts and at my measly little screwdriver and thought , " Forget it , this is a job for the Exfactor ! " He is supposed to be here tomorrow anyway to do it , and he is bringing his electric screwdriver , so the job will be much easier for him with my able help . I think two can do a better job than one at any rate . We will have it done in no time at all . And , oh yes , it also requires a hammer . That sounds like fun , doesn 't it ? I had some spare time on my hands and that 's why I considered putting the dresser together , but in the end it was the domestic help who needed my spare time . You see , she is almost three months pregnant and in need of a older , wiser listening ear and one with humor . So I had to do my best to cheer her up and make her see the sunny side of pregnancy . I think I succeeded to some extent . I 'm very capable of being wise and funny simultaneously when I have to help out young pregnant women . I used to be one myself and I know what they need to hear . It seems to me that she 's surrounded by doomsday thinkers who tell her horror stories . Someone needed to make her feel good . I can 't stand people who don 't think and say whatever enters their head . You know the kind . They try to be funny while being knuckleheaded with no regard to the person they 're being it to . The unwise and the unkind people . The dumb people . Lord save us from them all . I feel very protective toward people who I cnsider as falling under my care and start to take things personally when I think they aren 't being treated properly in some way . I feel it is my duty to do something about it and be their advocatCiao , I 'm in an extremely warm and fuzzy mood because I 've just woken up from a life renewing nap and I 'm now having a cup of coffee and a cigarette . The circumstances couldn 't get much better than this . For just a little while anyway , I can let myself believe that everything is perfect and that I 've landed in heaven . It isn 't every day that I can say that . I do have to treasure the moment and share it with you . The sun is shining into the living room and , because I also had the heater on for a while , it 's nice and warm in here . That was a pleasure to wake up to . I feel warm all the way through my bones and that doesn 't happen all the time . It 's good because my bathrobe is in the washing machine and I 'm not able to wear it right now . I did finally remember to stick it in there and wash it after emptying the pockets . That was a crucial factor because there were all sorts of things in there that wouldn 't have survived the wash cycle . It would have been a right mess if I hadn 't taken them out . Especially the paper tissues would have created a disaster . After I put together the bed for the guest room yesterday , I had all the carton packing material that I didn 't know what to do with stacked up in the hallway . The animals and I kept having to step on top of it if we wanted to go anywhere and it really was in the way . I was a little puzzled as to what to do with the very large pieces but today I got it sorted out . I got a box and folded everything into as small as possible enough pieces so they would fit into the box . It really turned out to be fairly simple and not that much work and I was done in no time at all . The dog helped me by standing on every piece of carton that I wanted to fold . He was very thoughtful that way . I did appreciate it very much . Now the box can be put out by the sidewalk for the people of the recycle truck to pick it up . I didn 't put together the dresser but have decided to let the Exfactor do that with my able help . I 'm a little bit intimidated by the heaviness of the flatpacks it comes in and I think putting it together will be more work than I anticipated . The bed turned out to be . The Exfactor may be just a little more technical than I am when it comes to putting together complicated pieces of furniture . I mustn 't say that because I 'm sure I 'm quite capable of it , but I 'm letting myself be intimidated . I would do it if left to my own devices . Circumstances dictate that I 'm more helpless now . I must get back to my Zen moment that I was in at the start of this post . The dog is telling me it 's time to go for a walk , however , and I suppose I will take him out now . I do hate to make him wait . He 's such a well mannered animal . I hope you 're all having a good day . |
I have to tell you that it 's something I 'm awfully short of right now despite the fact that I 'm drinking coffee and am trying to perk up my mind . I 'm working on my second cup but haven 't reached that state of sharp wittedness yet that allows my imagination to run free . It 's possible that I have too many cobwebs in my mind and that it 's not going to happen today . I 'm lacking that inner perkiness that would let it happen more naturally . All day long I have been in a minor mood . This despite the fact that today is a national holiday and a lot of people are out celebrating it . Maybe it is because I 'm not that I am in a minor mood but there 's no need to start analyzing that . I will leave that stone unturned . It 's not necessary to do an archeological dig into my mind every time . Suffice it to say that I 'm not in a celebratory mood . Tomorrow normal life will start up again and we can all act like normal people again . The Belgians will have a holiday and populate downtown . But that will not be of concern to me . My life will return to its regular routine and that 's all I care about . If I were part of a family unit , I might feel differently but since I am alone , I feel this way . The holidays are always harder to get through when you 're not plural . I have to be honest with you and tell you that I 've started smoking again . It proved to be too difficult to quit . I found it too hard to fill the empty hours without smoking cigarettes . It 's how I get through the day and I have no other way to do it . I spend so much time in my own company and I alone am not enough . I could not stand to sit and do nothing . It is the only thing that gives me any kind of joy because I have no hobbies . That 's the kind of dull person I 've become . I 'm not interested in anything but sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel . I can spend a lot of time doing that . I lead a very uninteresting life and I 'm aware of that . Smoking cigarettes is what keeps me sane . Yesterday I had to make an emergency trip to the convenCiao , I am sitting here with a strong cup of coffee . I need it because I am so sleepy . I want to take a nap at every opportunity . I think that is because I 've quit smoking . It seems to me that I had this reaction before . Of course , I can 't keep sleeping . I will have to get up now and then too . I hope this coffee gives me some perkiness . I only made one cup because I thought it would be enough but I may have to make more . Of course , taking naps is one way to get through the day if I can 't smoke . It does occupy my time . I have to think of things to do to keep my mind off the cigarettes that I can 't have . If I just sit in my armchair without anything to do it gets too difficult . I do need to be a bit diverted . This morning there were cultural programs on televsion that helped me keep my mind busy . Now I 'm trying to do the same thing with the internet . I make it sound like I 'm having a heck of a time not smoking but it really isn 't that bad . It 's all within the limits of my control . I 'm not going crazy yet with withdrawal but I Γ‘m having an allergic reaction to the nicotine patches . Where they are and have been , I have perfect squares of bright red skin . That does make you think , doesn 't it ? Because it 's the weekend , I don 't have much on the program . On top of that it 's a three day weekend because on Monday it is Queen 's Day and that is a national holiday . Actually , I can be as lazy as I want to be and that 's the nice part about it . I can take naps whenever I want . As long as I take care of the animals , I can have totally unstructured days and nights . I 'm sure there 's some advantage to that . It 's actually a warm day here today and it feels like it 's 23 degrees Celcius outside . Isn 't that unbelievable ? I 've got the kitchen window wide open so I can smell the fresh air . Unfortunately , there 's hardly any wind so there 's not much of a draft . Still , I mustn 't complain . It was raining during the night and now it 's dry , although the sun is not out completely . I hope the weather stays good like this for the whole three day weekend . The queen deserves good weather to celebrate her day in . The coffee has perked me up properly and I am functioning again . One cup turned out to be enough but it was a strong one . I think the dog wants to go for a walk so I better take him now . He acts like it 's urgent . Of course , he always does . Have a nice day . Just when I claimed that the dog never slept on his big pillow beside the bed , he has started sleeping on it and making a liar out of me . The very fact that I mentioned it must have been a trigger for him to start using it . That happens a lot when I mention some sort of behavior of his here on this blog . The minute I do he starts doing it in the exact opposite way I claimed he did . Maybe he secretly turns the computer on when I 'm asleep and reads my blog . That will make world news . It will teach me not to make generalized statements about the dog because they all will prove to be untrue . When I mentioned the other day that he was completely house broken , he did a neat turd directly by the back door on the linoleum . When I say he 's best friends with the cat , he starts bothering her something awful as if he doesn 't like her at all . Anything I say about him , he 'll prove differently . He 's an ornery dog . Other than that he thinks that every banana I eat is supposed to be shared with him and he looks very disappointed if he only gets one bite . He thinks I go to the toilet just to sit there and rub his belly because he always follows me into the bathroom . The first thing I do every morning is greet him as if he 's the most important creature in the world ( don 't tell anyone but he is ) . He 's an attachment of me just as well as my arm or leg is . So much for that rotten dog . I went to the hairdresser this morning and had the great pleasure of having my hair washed and cut . When my hair was washed , I also got a great head massage and I had been secretly hoping for one . I needed it because my muscles were very tight and they loosened up quite a bit . I got a great haircut and it 's very easy to manage . Everybody who works there knows how I want my hair cut and they all do a great job . I do have my personal preference but anyone can do it . It had been something like seven weeks since I had it cut so it was more than time for it to be done . I was amazed at how much hair came off . I do see a very middle aged woman when I look in the mirror at the hairdresser . It 's even worse when my hair is wet and it sticks up in all directions . It 's best not to be too critical of yourself then . I purposely don 't wear my glasses when I go . I don 't have to see every detail . Every evening it rains but luckily it does so after I have taken the dog for a walk . Well no , it was raining a bit when I took him this evening but we didn 't get wet too badly . All it took was a bt of a rub with a towel to get us dry again . The dog does enjoy that . He comes running when he sees the towel and very willingly stands and gets rubbed dry all over . It 's much easier now that his fur is cut so short . It 's raining harder now and I think we got back inside just on time . It doesn 't really rain during the day and I suppose the rain in the evening is good for nature and the farmers . I haven 't heard anything about it on the news . There 's usually some news about the water level in the rivers also but I haven 't heard anything about that either . Maybe the snow in the Alps hasn 't melted yet . I have had a quiet day in which I have done nothing but contemplate my navel a lot and it has been most peaceful . I was not bored for one minute but enjoyed sitting in my armchair and letting the time slowly go by without feeling that I had to fill it with activity . It was enough just to sit and exist and be aware of that . I also took a nap and got up late in the morning . I still enjoy sleeping . It 's one of my favorite hobbies . I fall asleep within a minute after putting my head down on the pillow and don 't remember a thing after that . I usually wake up quite refreshed unless I 'm grumpy like I was yesterday . But that was the exception to the rule . The dog sleeps on the bed with me because there 's linoleum in that bedroom and no carpeting . He doesn 't sleep on the big pillow that 's beside the bed . He never really did get used to it . The linoleum is too cold to sleep on , although he may appreciate in the summertime when it is hot . I can 't imagine hot temperatures now but I am looking forward to them . This Saturday it 's supposed to get up to 24C degrees and we won 't know what hit us . That will be the warmest it has been since last year . I 've got just a few cigarettes left and no tobacco . The empty package is in the trash bag . I wiCiao , I 've got an extremely grumpy mood and I think it 's because I just woke up from a nap . I must have gotten out on the wrong side of the bed or I haven 't had enough coffee yet . The sun is shining outside so it 's not the weather 's fault . I must drink another cup of coffee and see if that will straighten me out . I can 't stay grumpy because I am my own worst enemy this way . If I could kick myself in the rear end , I would do it . I don 't usually wake up grumpy from naps . As a rule I am quite reasonable . I only need the coffee to get the cobwebs out of my mind , not to put me in a good mood . As a matter of fact , I 'm a quite mild mannered person and not prone to grumpiness . That doesn 't mean that I don 't think a person is not allowed to be it once in a while . We can 't all be saints . There is a time and a place for everything . A lesser mood does happen when you 're a mere mortal . Besides , the Greek gods were famous for their moodiness . I know I will get over it in no time at all and that this will not last . I 'm not going to stay grumpy for the rest of the day . It 's just a temporary hitch in the system . Just by writing about it I will start feeling better . And I can always talk myself out of everything , including temporary grumpiness . In the meantime , I 'm having another cup of coffee and I 'm already starting to feel better . I don 't feel so overwhelmed anymore . I just made another pack of cigarettes from my dwindling tobacco supply and I think by tomorrow I should be all out of it . Then it will be time for the nicotine patches . I 'm lucky that I still have those and that I don 't have to go out and spend the money on them because they are expensive enough . It 's been a great day today in which nothing of importance happened whatsoever and that was fine with me . I watched the news updates a lot because politically there 's a lot going on right now and I do want to stay informed . It looks like we 're going to have elections on September the 12th and that gives all the parties time to prepare for them properly . Having elections on JuneCiao , It 's already halfway through the evening and it 's still light outside . The sun keeps setting later each day . I do like it because it gives me hope that summer is really on its way . You wouldn 't think it was springtime the way the weather is behaving , although the temperatures are only a little bit below normal for the time of year . I 've only watched the news to see what was happening politically in the country and didn 't see the weather forecast so I have no idea how the rest of the week is going to be . The prime minister turned in his and his cabinet 's resignation to the queen this afternoon . Her acceptance should be a mere formality . A lot of political parties want elections as soon as possible but others say to wait until September . There are the Euro Cup Football half finals on the day they picked in June . I 'll not bore you with the politics of my country . I 'm sure you 're more than bored enough with the politics of your own country . Or maybe you get excited about them too like I do . The dog ate a banana and an apple . I asked him if he was happy in English and he mistook the word " happy " for the word " apple " which is pronounced almost the same way in Dutch as it is in English . Of course I had no rest after that until I had peeled him an apple . He did eat some of his regular food but not until I threw away what was left over and put new food into his bowl . He is picky . He does require new kibbles every day . Everything has to be as fresh as possible . The cat is the same way and right they are . I ate vanilla pudding after the Exfactor went to the grocery store and bought it . It 's my major downfall and what I really like most of all . After I 've had it , I 'm happy for the rest of the day . I don 't have that with any kind of other food . It 's completely satisfactory and filling . I 've decided to give quitting smoking another try . I 'm going to finish the tobacco I have left and then start on the nicotine patches . I have enough of those for the first two weeks . This will be the third time that I try it and that should be Ciao , I 'm always the most comfortable when I tell you that I 'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette . It sets the stage , sort to say . I 've taken a nap and now it 's almost evening . Outside the sky looks threatening and it wouldn 't surprise me if we got another terrible shower that we seem to get every evening . Inside it is a little chilly because I don 't have the heater turned on yet . I don 't know why I 'm being so stubborn . I guess I 'd rather sit here and freeze my buns off but the cup of hot coffee is warming me somewhat . My mood is neither here nor there . It 's unimportant and I 'm not going to waste any words on it . The less said about it the better . This weekend the government collapsed and we will have new elections . A lot of people have been waiting for this to happen , including me . I was not too fond of the government and I hoped it would collapse . Still , I was pleasantly surprised when it did . It collapsed over the budgetary cut backs and how severe they were going to be and believe me , they were . Now it is hoped that all the other political parties come up with their better alternative budgets so we can make sensible decisions . Because of the summer holidays , the elections won 't take place until September at the earliest . Everyone will get the time to prepare themselves properly . I already know which party I 'm going to vote for , so I 'm more than ready to . There was also a train accident at the Central Station in Amsterdam . For some reason there were two trains on the same track that hit eack other head on . There were many wounded and a lot of them severe . For now it is unknown how these two trains ended up on the same track but there 's going to be an investigation . So , despite the fact that I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping , I did manage to stay well informed . I watched the news as events unfolded and took naps in between . I did miss most of the sports that were on but I 'm going to watch the highlights tonight . A couple of football games were played today and I want to know their outcomes . Except Ciao , I 'm allowing myself to be officially depressed . There 's no reason to fight it because I 've been becoming it since the middle of the night when I sat up with a cup of coffee and tried to deny it . It 's always better to acknowledge it and give into it than to try and act as if there 's nothing wrong , which is impossible anyway . I usually feel relieved when I admit I am depressed . It 's like suddenly falling into a deep hole and not knowing what exactly preceeded it . I never seem to know how I ended up there . There I find myself and at first I don 't even realize what 's wrong . I just feel extreme discomfort . It 's good to give it a name once I 've figured out what it is . It 's even better to talk about it . I act like what I do here is talk but it does feel like that . I do imagine that you 're all listening to me and are pondering it over . I don 't know how much of that is actually true and I don 't have to know . Just leave me with my illusions . The bad part about being depressed is that it 's very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything . Mostly you want to crawl into a little hole and disappear . At least be somewhere warm and safe , maybe some place like the womb . I 'm trying to get out of doing most everything , although that 's very difficult when you 're the only person in your household . I can 't expect the animals to take over . I 'm constantly cold and in need of warmth . I want the sun to shine on me but I 'll have no such luck with this kind of weather . Besides , it is at the end of the afternoon and gray and cloudy and the sun is low in the sky . It has just started to rain too . There is no joy in being depressed . There is only the relief of acknowledgement and the giving into it . You don 't have to fight a battle . I certainly am not going to waste my time on one . It would be silly to because I would lose it . I 'm going to very kindly take care of myself . Have a good evening . There 's nothing that perks you up as well as drinking a freshly brewed cup of coffee . It makes a tremendous amount of difference with a cup of instant coffee which doesn 't seem to do a lot for me in comparrison . I had forgotten what it was like to drink a freshly brewed cup of coffee and what it did for me but I 'm glad I 'm having the experience now . It has improved my mood tremendously and I haven 't felt as good since the old coffeemaker died . The Exfactor was kind enough to bring me the new coffeemaker yesterday because he didn 't want me to drink the instant coffee any longer and thought I shouldn 't have to wait until Friday when he is coming over next . I sure do appreciate that . It 's the seemingly little things in life that make the most difference and that make you the most happy . You can savor them and be truly glad that you 've got them . In that same manner I 'm enjoying the newly trimmed dog who looks so different and who I have to keep looking at with a smile . He 's taken on a whle new appearance and it 's like I took a new dog home from the trim salon . I know he 's the same dog because he shows the same amount of adoration if not more so because he thought I had abandoned him forever there . We 're bonding up a storm and are like a newly wed couple and inseperable . I had missed him for the time he was gone . So had the cat . I 'm now drinking a tall glass of ice cold milk to quench my thrist and to get over the high of the coffee . I do have to settle down again because I have to go back to bed again in a while . It 's with some mixed feelings that I look forward to that because I 'm wide awake but I 'll soon start yawning and be more ready to go . After having had things on the program for the past three days , I have nothing going on tomorrow and I can sleep as late as I want . It 's also with mixed feelings that I look forward to that . I 'd like to sleep late but actually doubt if I will having gotten used to waking up early . I won 't know what to do with myself and hope I can find some household chores to do . We 're supposed to have periods of rain and it won 't be all that warm , but rain was promised yesterday too and not much came of it . There were some splatters and that was about it . We don 't always get a lot of the weather down here in the south that the rest of the country gets . I 've finished my milk and will be off to my bed now . The dog has been out back twice in the time I 've sat here . I think the second time was just for amusement but I couldn 't be sure . Sometimes he has legitimate reasons . I hope you 're all having a good night . Ciao , Frankly , I 've looked high and low for inspiration and I haven 't found any yet but maybe I 'll stumble over it when I 've finished this cup of coffee . Anything is possible after all . What I want to write about may be staring me right in the face and I may be overlooking it completely . It may be as simple as not looking good enough . Or not having had enough coffee yet . That could be the case also . I 'll quickly finish this cup . I just mustn 't dribble . The Exfactor called me a while ago to ask me what color I wanted my coffeemaker in . He was at the Kijkshop getting ready to buy one at a very good price . He will deliver it to me on Friday and then I will be able to make regular coffee again and my heart will soar . I hope I still remember how to make it correctly and haven 't lost the skill . I do still have the coffee . I have two full packages ready to use on the kitchen shelf . Isn 't that utterly convenient ? The dog was sitiing beside me begging for an apple . At least I think that 's what he wanted . He usually does at this time of the afternoon . He remembers they are in the refrigerator and gets a hunkering for them . He patiently sits beside me in the kitchen while I peel one for him and then goes to the living room to eat it . He always goes to look at the peel on the counter afterwards but it 's too far away for him to get it . I don 't think he should be ingesting any pesticides . Isn 't he cute , though ? Him and his apples . The wind from the south has picked up and is blowing dry leaves through the street rapidly . It looks like autumn out there . It makes me feel cold just watching it . I feel that I should go and put my winter clothes on . Sometimes the weather is beautiful at this time of year but we sure didn 't get lucky this time . It was supposed to have rained today too but it never did , thank goodness . I still have to go out and walk the dog and I don 't want my nearly perfect hairdo to get ruined . My cup of coffee is empty and I 'm out of inspiration and never really found it . As a result , it 's not much of a post but what tIrene I 'm actually still yawning from the long nap I took this afternoon and the cup of coffee I just had has not made much of an impact yet . I guess I didn 't make it strong enough and the second cup will have to pack a punch . That 's why my mood is still undetermined and I have no idea of how I 'm put together yet . I think right now I 'm mostly grumpy but I 'll try to get over that as quickly as I can and you can all be witness to it . Watch a metamorphosis take place . I must be in one of those cycles that I need a lot of sleep because I have not gotten a shortage of it for the last 24 hours . It seems that I can 't get enough of it . I even slept on the sofa for an hour while I was waiting for the domestic help to get here . When she did , I was so comatose that I could hardly talk to her . So much for my conversational skills that usually don 't let me down . But right now I 'd rather sleep than do almost anything else and that includes eating , although that doesn 't say much . The sun has been shining a lot today but it hasn 't actually been a warm day . I did have to wear my winter coat when I went out and I 've had the heater on for most of the day . I do have to admit that I get cold quickly and I seem to be allergic to the cold . I was definitely meant to live in a warmer climate . But at least the sun was out and it did cheer things up . Of course , the world is a lot greener and that does make things look a lot more cheerful too . I do appreciate the fact that I have to go out a couple of times a day to walk the dog because otherwise I would not be aware of how quickly nature is changing right now . It 's thΓ© opportunity for me to be out regularly and see how green the trees are becoming and how many dandelions there are growing in the grass . The lowly dandelion does have its place in nature too . There , I 've become sensible and wide awake again and I never did have that second cup of coffee . I had two glasses of cold milk instead . I was very thirsty and slightly hungry too . That milk took care of that . I can now move on to the next chCiao , I 'm slightly discombobulated from having fallen asleep in my armchair . I had pulled the red fleece blanket over me because I was cold and before I knew it , I had nodded off . I slept sitting up like that for about an hour and woke up completely disoriented . It was a bit of an unusual place to take a nap , after all . I 'm still yawning now after a cup of coffee and I 'll have to have a second one before I really am awake . I just peeled an apple for the dog and he ate it with much appetite . I secretly obeserved him eating it . It 's so much fun to watch . He takes delicate bites and makes thoughtful crunching sounds when he chews . For a while , nothing in the world exists but that apple . I 've gotten a second cup of coffee and I 'm starting to feel better now . I 'm not quite as fuzzy as I was . Cups of coffee are so good for my mental health . If tea did the same thing I would drink it but I have not experienced the proof of it yet . The afternoon is drawing to a close and we didn 't see any sunshine all day . It has been dreary and cold . The wind was coming from the north - east today and that usually means it 's colder . I 've had the heater on for most of the day and even so I 've been feeling chilled . I think I 'm wearing enough clothes but that doesn 't seem to help . If I really want to do something nice for myself , I 'd change the bed and I think that 's just what I 'll do . It will be a treat to get under a clean duvet cover this evening . Besides , I 've got that new good smelling washing powder and it does make the laundry smell good . It 's great to have it drying on the clothes rack . My thumb is healing up quite nicely and doesn 't hurt half as bad as it did yesterday . I can even use it a little bit if I 'm careful . I 'm very careful with the new paring knife now that I know how sharp it is . I treat it with the respect it deserves . The Amstel Gold Race was taking place here this afternoon and there were helicopters in the air making lots of noise . It must have been a madhouse along the route . I didn 't follow the race on television , althougIrene At least I can tell you one thing for certain , I 'm having better instant coffee now than I have been having . I got the better brand today which I won 't mention by name but it is very well known . It sure makes a difference in how good the coffee tastes and I 'm drinking it with more pleasure . I no longer make an ugly face when I take the first sip . I 'm even looking forward to the second cup . I 've got groceries in the apartment and I can eat good things again . I celebrated that by eating vanilla pudding and I peeled an apple for the dog which he ate with much enthusiasm . The only problem is that I cut myself in my thumb while peeling the apple and it went deep . For a while ( about an hour ) I was bleeding all over the place . I have to be careful with my thumb now or it will start all over again . Do you know how difficult it is not to use your thumb ? It is raining outside and has been for a while . I thought it was just a shower at first but it kept on raining and hasn 't stopped for the past hour and a half . The dog very enthisiastically wanted to go for a walk just now but I let him out back and he got the message . He 's now lying belly up beside me with his four paws in the air , sound asleep . He 's so exposed , it does make you want to tickle him . I 'll be kind and not do that . I 've got to think of my thumb too . I 'm still yawning from the nap I took . I thought , while I wait for my thumb to stop bleeding I might as well take a nap . The animals slept on the bed with me and it was very cozy . I like the room I sleep in now and am used to it . It is very much my room . I would like to add some different furniture to it but those are just future dreams . I can go to the Ikea website any time and long for all the things I want to get . Because I smoke again , I won 't have the money to get anything . That 's the price I pay . Since it 's Saturday evening , there will no doubt be many boring television shows on . I will have to find another way to amuse myself . I don 't hang out on Facebook much anymore having become completely bored with it Irene I haven 't taken a nap but I 'm having a cup of that delicious instant coffee instead to perk me up . I need the caffeine so I don 't mind how bad it tastes . Actually , I am getting used to it so it isn 't the awful experience I make it sound like . It serves the purpose and that 's what counts . It is true that I can 't wait for a decent cup of coffee and that I 've almost forgotten what one tastes like . It will be like an angel peeing on my tongue . The day has gone by quickly and no doubt that was partly due to the fact that I slept late this morning . The dog was kind enough not to wake me up at all . I very leisurely had a cup of coffee in my armchair while I remembered who I was and what day it was . I didn 't realize that it was Friday the 13th but it wouldn 't have made any difference . I would have approached the day the same way . I was glad it was Friday and that the domestic help was going to be here to clean up the apartment . It 's nice to enter the weekend with everything in ship shape . All I had to do was the dishes and some laundry and make the bed . Luckily it was not that cold outside so I could open the windows and let the place air out . For that reason I 'm looking forward to the real springtime so I will be able to always have the windows open . I have headaches off and on and sometimes I take a painkiller for them . At least I know why I get them and I 'm not worried about them . It 's just a bit of a bother . I mostly try to relax and ignore them . I do pay attention to how I hold myself . I make sure that I 'm not in a cramped up position and that I sit behind the computer straight . I also think that I need to get some new pillows for my bed . The ones I have are a little old and not so very supportive . I just noticed that the domestic help cleaned the French way , in other words , with a lick and a promise . I just gathered a lot of dog hair out from underneath my desk . There 's a lot of dust on the baseboard too . I think people in the south don 't clean as rigorously as people in the north . The furniture doesn 't get vacuumeHave a good evening . I woke up from my nap with a headache so that was not a good begin to the rest of the day . But it got better as I moved around and now it is nearly gone . I haven 't yet taken a painkiller and will not unless I have to . I 'd rather not take anything if I don 't absolutely have to . It 's amazing though that you can get a headache from sleeping . I thought that was a very relaxing activity . I guess I don 't know everything yet . I woke up half way through my nap because the dog had thrown the alarm clock to the ground where it landed in three seperate pieces . Fortunately , it was still working and when I put it back together it was still telling the right time . I do have to get another , sturdier alarm clock . This one is rather old and rickety . I got it from the Exfactor to use temporarily . That 's been long enough now . You should look gift horses in the mouth sometimes . The first thing I did when I got up was make a cup of coffee . It may be instant coffee but I needed the caffeine . I 'm properly activated now after the first cup but I can 't take the dog for a walk because it 's raining outside . That means I 'll have another cup of coffee and wait a while . The dog is very patient and didn 't even want to stay out back for fear of getting wet . He is sensible sometimes . The older he gets , the more sensible he becomes . The rain stopped and the sun suddenly came out and it was the perfect time to take the dog out . It was lovely outside and not too cold . It was perfect to be out there for a while and get some fresh air . I do so appreciate the longer days . I feel like I 've been out in the country . That 's a lot of wishful thinking on my part . The air did feel awfully clean , though . I feel completely restored by it . The dog is casually eating his dinner but I neglected the cat and almost forgot to give her her kibbles . She did sit on the kitchen counter with a look of astonishment on her face . I quickly remedied that and she 's now chowing down from a newly filled bowl . I suppose I must start thinking about what to eat for dinner myself . I first have to take my medicines . I 'm a very faithful medicine taker and never skip a dose and very seldom forget to take them . For this reason , my psychiatrist is very fond of me . I think I will have Greek yoghurt and a banana and share the banana with the dog . He is awfully fond of them and they are starting to get a little spotted . Tomorrow the Exfactor will do the groceries and buy more of the things I like best . Luckily , they are not the most expensive . I 'm an inexpensive consumer . It doesn 't matter what the prices are at the supermarket . I always fall into the cheap category . Right , off I go . I hope you 'll all have a good evening with something good to eat . That 's what I intend to describe here anyway , although it will probably turn in to a description of many long moments in time because I 'm sitting here comfortably with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am not about to go anywhere . I 'm still sleepy enough to be nice and mellow but alert enough to make sense . At least I 'm not in one of my hypo - manic moods and floating on a cloud . I 'm completely down to earth where I belong . I 've done some sleeping already because I went to bed early last night . I didn 't have the patience to stay up late and watch television . I wanted to get comfortable under the duvet and drift off into sleep and dreamland . I don 't remember if I dreamed or not . If I did , it wasn 't very impressive because nothing stayed with me . They must have just been very ordinary things that weren 't worth remembering . I hope that when I go back to bed , the rest of my night will be like that also . There 's not much to talk about when you 're down to earth where you belong . I 'm frantically searching in my mind for subjects to discuss and all I can think of are the things I already talked about on my other blog . I don 't want to fall into repetition so I won 't be discussing them . I suppose that I 'm not as alert as I thought I was because normally I have no problem coming up with things to talk about . That warrants another cup of coffee and I 'm drinking it now . Hopefully it will loosen me up a bit . It 's a terrible thing when your mind lets you down . It 's the one thing you have to be able to rely on . That 's why you have to run a little interference every now and then and give it a little stimulance . A mind on its own sometimes can 't do a lot but sit there and be very dull . And that is very boring . My therapist wants me to see a woman who does breathing and relaxation techniques . She teaches you how to do them . My therapist thought they might be good for me to know because I now use tranquilizers . I 'm somewhat interested in this and already know the woman who teaches them from yoga classes that I took a long time ago aI hope you 're all having a good night . Now , in the late evening , it is raining buckets , but I don 't have to be out there so I am glad . The dog very briefly went out back and was more than happy to come back inside . He got wet enough in the very short time that he was out there . The cat very wisely is staying inside where she belongs . It may be a matter of being smarter or having better bladder control , I don 't know . I 'm fighting my sleepiness with a cup of instant coffee . It does serve its function in that capacity . I haven 't replaced the coffeemaker yet . There 's been no opportunity for it yet . It will wait a while as long as I have the instant coffee , I just have to get a better brand . Much as I dislike drinking it , I 'm sure that will make a difference . It 's been an interesting day today . I found out what I already suspected . I didn 't have to file income taxes over 2011 . I had gotten no paperwork about it and started to get big doubts so I called the tax office . The woman I got on the line confirmed my suspicions and reassured me that I would not have to . That was a relief to hear . I thought I might have been going into default and have gotten into trouble . Because I 'm switching energy companies , I was waiting for the final closure bill from my old energy provider with some dread . I thought I might be owing them all sorts of money because it had just been wintertime and an expensive time of the year . That bill came in the mail today and much to my relief , I 'm getting a nice amount of money back that I can really use . The gods smiled kindly upon me . Because of circumstances beyond my control . I had today to get a new telephone number and I thought that was going to be a quite involved process , but it turned out to be fairly easy . After a few formalities it was done in a flash and I will know my new number in a few days when it will be sent to me in the mail . My old number has already been disconnected so the problems with it should be resolved . The new number will be a secret number . I made an appointment for the dog to get his fur trimmed and I don ' tThat about sums up my day , except for the usual odds and ends . The laundry and the dishes and changing the bed , etc . I hope you 'll all have a good night and lots of good news . Ciao , I 've already been sleep but the dog woke me up by licking my hands and my face , He knows that 's a surefire way of waking me up , it works every time . I think he does it when he his bored of being all by himself and wants some company . He didn 't have to go out anyway . So here I am sitting with a cup of coffee and a cigarette . Outside it is raining like it has a lot today . No doubt we need it because it hasn 't rained a lot lately . It is a gentle rain and not coming down in buckets . That is some relief . And at least it isn 't very cold outside . I have been eating the Greeks yoghurt that I bought for my sister . It is delicious and I think I 'm hooked on it . It is so thick that you can set a spoon straight up in it . I eat it with brown sugar like she does and I can heartily recommend it . I like it at least as much as I like vanilla pudding and that is saying a lot . I don 't know how many calories there are in it , I think there must be a lot , but it is worth every bite . I 'm sure it 's very good for you too . I 've also got the drink yoghurt that I usually never buy in raspberry flavor . I will be having that next . I 'm looking forward to it . I actually wish I had buttermilk to drink and I will have the Exfactor buy that the next time he goes grocery shopping which will be tomorrow as a matter of fact . The timing couldn 't be better . I took the dog out for walks in the rain today and we did get wet which the dog didn 't mind at all . I didn 't either because I was dressed for it . We didn 't get overly wet and I dried the dog off with a towel when we got home . He did enjoy that but I get the top half of him more dry than the bottom half . That 's as much as he was able to co - operate . When I was done drying him , he was one mess of little curls which made him look very smart . I wish I could say the same for my hair , but it just stayed as straight as it always was . Things are divided unequally in this world . Of course , people with curly hair want straight hair . Having straight hair , I just don 't understand that . The cat stayed inside for mGave a good night you all . I am getting used to the horrid taste of the instant coffee and have almost forgotten what a decent cup of coffee tastes like . I guess that 's a good thing . If I am going to drink this awful stuff , I may as well get used to it and not find it as horrible as I did in the beginning . It does what it is supposed to do and that is get me alert enough after I wake up from sleeping or if I 'm having a dip . The fact that it has caffeine in it is the most important thing , although I did have my doubts about that when I first started drinking it . I even looked on the jar to make sure it wasn 't decaffeinated coffee . At first I thought it wasn 't doing a thing for me , but I 've since started making stronger cups of it . That 's working quite a bit better . The sad news is that my older sister was not able to come down here . She is in too bad a shape to make it . She called me this morning and was very disappointed . She had a packed bag all ready to go but had to cancel her trip . She is going to try and come later this month if she can get her illness under control better but I doubt she is going to be able to . I think until she 's seen the specialist , she 's just going to have an awfully hard time . At least I will be able to save most of the foods I bought for her stay here . Most of them can go into the freezer and the other ones can stay in the cupboards . I 'll have to eat the bananas but that will be no great sacrafice . I was looking forward to fixing the food but it will wait . It 's more fun to cook for two people than it is for one . I did go and have brunch with my younger sister and her family . She had all sorts of foods and a nicely laid out table . I had a hard boiled egg and a little bit of fruit salad but there were many more things to choose from . One of them was the special Easter bread which looked great but which I 'm unable to eat . I was awfully full when I was done eating and felt like I had eaten a ton of food . I wish I could have , it all looked so good . Instead of going for a walk with them after the meal , I went home andHappy Easter all of you ! My coffeemaker has completely given up the ghost . I was trying to make a pot of coffee but I waited for one in vain . It made an awful lot of noise and it looked like it was working as hard as it possibly could , but mostly some steam came out of the top . There was no hot water dripping into the filter and no coffee dripping into the pot . I ran a bottle of vinegar through it , which I should have done a long time ago , but it was all to no avail . It is now just sitting there doing nothing at all but playing dead . I 'm afraid I killed it through neglect and I 'll have to carry it to its last resting place and buy a new one . Unfortunately , the stores are all closed now and there 's not a coffeemaker to be gotten anywhere . That 's the bad news . The good news is that I do have a jar of instant coffee and , although it doesn 't taste very good , it does have caffeine in it and that is good enough for me . I do get some gratification out of it . It is through this minor miracle that I can sit here and be somewhat coherent and write this . It would be impossible otherwise . I did take a nap earlier and found out about the coffeemaker when I woke up and was shocked when I thought I wasn 't going to be able to drink coffee . Luckily , I remembered that jar of instant coffee on the shelf in the kitchen . My first reaction was to call the Exfactor to have him , as if by a magic , pull a coffeemaker out of his sleeve . I thought if anyone knew where to get a coffeemaker it would be him . He didn 't answer his telephone , however , and really , where would he have gotten one ? The things I expect of him ! I hope my sister doesn 't mind drinking instant coffee . The stores will be closed on Monday as well because it 's another holdiday , so a new coffeemaker can 't be bought until Tuesday . That 's a long time to go without a decent cup of coffee . We 'll have to try and get outselves invited somewhere else a lot . The Exfactor and I did the groceries this afternoon when everybody else and their brother was doing them too . People had their shopping trolleys filled with groceries and there seemed to be no recession going on . I 'm amazed at the money that is spent during the holidays . Maybe it 's a good thing because it 's good for the economy . I spent more than I usually do too . I 'm a over consumer also . I also cleaned house and that was a lot of fun . I found out that the vacuum cleaner wasn 't working properly and I fixed that . Apparently the domestic helps have been vacuuming at half power . I would have thought they 'd let me know . It sure made a difference once I fixed it . There was a stoppage where the hose entered the vacuum cleaner . I 've got to take the dog for a walk into the moon filled night . I 'm late , I 've been distracted . Have a good evening all of you . My stomach has been in such an uproar for the past 24 hours that I 've only been able to eat two rusk toasts and as a result I am very hungry . I don 't dare eat anything else , though , and am glad the rusk toast stayed down . I 've been trying to drink something besides water and I 'm now trying to drink a much needed cup of coffee . So far , so good . I don 't tolerate milk very well at all . I did miss the coffee very much , though . Who am I without my cups of coffee ? I can only think that this is a case of nerves about my sister coming to stay here and in case it is that , I have taken a tranquilizer about an hour ago . I do feel myself getting a lot more relaxed now and I think it may be doing me some good . I was also getting my headache back and I 've taken a painkiller . It 's very possible that stress translates itself into physical ailments in my case . It wouldn 't surprise me at any rate . I do have a tendency to let things bother me more than I realize and they build up inside of me until the very moment that it starts to count . I seem fine until that very moment . In the meantime , subversively , the stress is creeping up on me and shows itself suddenly in less expected ways . It seems to always do that in the form of some physical dysfunction . Lately it has been my stomach that seems to be the weak spot . Of course with my gastric band it is bound to be that way . My domestic help didn 't show up today and this was just on a day that I really needed her . I 'll have to do the housecleaning myself now . It 's not something I was counting on , especially not with an upset stomach . I hope I 'm doing much better by tomorrow . The Exfactor was here this afternoon to do the groceries , but we postponed getting them until tomorrow because I was in no shape to go to the supermarket with him to get them . I went to bed instead and took a much needed nap . I sure as heck hope that I 'm in good shape tomorrow because I 'll have enough to do . I also have to clean the patio . So you see , I 'm not doing all that great . I do wish I 'd get over it and I hopCiao , I am sitting here with my first cup of coffee and a cigarette and I 'm more than ready to start the day . I am up bright and sunny , but I don 't think the day is actually going to be . It is now cloudy and gray outside and it is supposed to stay that way . I 'm not going to let that press my good mood and I 'm totally going to ignore it . I will have a fine day no matter what the weather is going to be like . That 's the kind of mood I 'm in . I was up earlier during the night but I never did get around to writing a post . I was too busy on Pinterest because I had redivided some boards and of course I had to add new pins to them . That kept me out of trouble for a while . I had a wonderful time pretending I could make all my wishes come true . It 's like being a little girl and making your wish list for Santa Claus and sometimes these things come true . I 've cut down even more on my tranquilizers and am now down to only one dose of 10 mg at night . These were strong ones and they worked great when I was highstrung but they made me very sleepy when I was not . That resulted in me always wanting to take naps during the day and I hope I won 't feel that need now . I started taking them when I got so grumpy when I quit smoking the first time . It 's always best to get off these kinds of medications as quickly as possible but it can take a while before you are able to . You have to choose the right moment and you have to have the wilpower to do it . You actually have to be stubborn enough and damn well make up your mind you 're going to . Nobody else can make you do it . Don 't rely on anyone else . I jusr stepped outside when the dog had to go out back and it is nice and chilly out there . There 's a cold wind blowing and it felt good . All the trees and shrubs are green and it looks wonderful . It does give you hope for better weather , but this is okay with me too . I 'll just have to dress a little warmer when I take the dog for a walk in a while . I 'm looking forward to it . It will be nice to feel the cold air on my face . I don 't have much else to repCiao , I 'm not quite as wide awake as I usually am at this time of the night . For some reason I am more tired and sleepy . It could be because the dog woke me up out of a sound sleep when I was least prepared for it . He had to go out back , of course . At least he doesn 't have any accidents inside anymore . There are no more innocent puddles to step into in the morning . He no longer fouls his own nest . Thank goodness for small favors . I am having some coffee and it is waking me up somewhat , though I 'm not getting the caffeine kick that I usually do . I guess this is not my lucky night . I mustn 't despair , though . I haven 't had my second cup of coffee yet . Anything is still possible . I am usually full of piss and vinegar in the middle of the night and more than ready to write a post and do all sorts of things . Even more so than during the daytime . You 'd think I saved all my energy for the nighttime and used it all up then . Now I 'm sitting here yawning . I do have to keep looking at the bright side of things and that is that the night is peaceful and quiet and that all is well with my little world , but that 's just very personally speaking . It doesn 't take into account that my sister is going to be here and that she is very sick . The surgeon who saw her told her that her symptoms are too severe for it to be only a matter of gallstones . He is sending her to a gastroenterologist . I do worry about her and I think this news , that I got today , weighs heavy on my mind . I wanted the problem to be something simple like gallstones and wished for it , although I had my doubts . I think she did too . Now that I shared this with you , I feel a little bit lighter . I had not realized how much this was bothering me . I want to help her and will do whatever I can to make her stay here as pleasant as possible . I want to spoil her as much as I can . That speaks for itself , of course . At least I know now why I don 't have my usual get up and go . I can take that into account . I must cheer up and be more lively . It will not do to be down in the dumps . ItCiao , I opened the flatpacks that the dresser came in with some muscle power . They were very well closed and I had to rip them open . It said not to use a knife and I was obedient . Inside them were a myriad of different parts that had to be put together and a hundred different screws and nuts to do it with . There was also an instruction booklet of quite a few pages . Now , I know I 'm smart enough to tackle the job , but I looked at all the screws and nuts and at my measly little screwdriver and thought , " Forget it , this is a job for the Exfactor ! " He is supposed to be here tomorrow anyway to do it , and he is bringing his electric screwdriver , so the job will be much easier for him with my able help . I think two can do a better job than one at any rate . We will have it done in no time at all . And , oh yes , it also requires a hammer . That sounds like fun , doesn 't it ? I had some spare time on my hands and that 's why I considered putting the dresser together , but in the end it was the domestic help who needed my spare time . You see , she is almost three months pregnant and in need of a older , wiser listening ear and one with humor . So I had to do my best to cheer her up and make her see the sunny side of pregnancy . I think I succeeded to some extent . I 'm very capable of being wise and funny simultaneously when I have to help out young pregnant women . I used to be one myself and I know what they need to hear . It seems to me that she 's surrounded by doomsday thinkers who tell her horror stories . Someone needed to make her feel good . I can 't stand people who don 't think and say whatever enters their head . You know the kind . They try to be funny while being knuckleheaded with no regard to the person they 're being it to . The unwise and the unkind people . The dumb people . Lord save us from them all . I feel very protective toward people who I cnsider as falling under my care and start to take things personally when I think they aren 't being treated properly in some way . I feel it is my duty to do something about it and be their advocatCiao , I 'm in an extremely warm and fuzzy mood because I 've just woken up from a life renewing nap and I 'm now having a cup of coffee and a cigarette . The circumstances couldn 't get much better than this . For just a little while anyway , I can let myself believe that everything is perfect and that I 've landed in heaven . It isn 't every day that I can say that . I do have to treasure the moment and share it with you . The sun is shining into the living room and , because I also had the heater on for a while , it 's nice and warm in here . That was a pleasure to wake up to . I feel warm all the way through my bones and that doesn 't happen all the time . It 's good because my bathrobe is in the washing machine and I 'm not able to wear it right now . I did finally remember to stick it in there and wash it after emptying the pockets . That was a crucial factor because there were all sorts of things in there that wouldn 't have survived the wash cycle . It would have been a right mess if I hadn 't taken them out . Especially the paper tissues would have created a disaster . After I put together the bed for the guest room yesterday , I had all the carton packing material that I didn 't know what to do with stacked up in the hallway . The animals and I kept having to step on top of it if we wanted to go anywhere and it really was in the way . I was a little puzzled as to what to do with the very large pieces but today I got it sorted out . I got a box and folded everything into as small as possible enough pieces so they would fit into the box . It really turned out to be fairly simple and not that much work and I was done in no time at all . The dog helped me by standing on every piece of carton that I wanted to fold . He was very thoughtful that way . I did appreciate it very much . Now the box can be put out by the sidewalk for the people of the recycle truck to pick it up . I didn 't put together the dresser but have decided to let the Exfactor do that with my able help . I 'm a little bit intimidated by the heaviness of the flatpacks it comes in and I think putting it together will be more work than I anticipated . The bed turned out to be . The Exfactor may be just a little more technical than I am when it comes to putting together complicated pieces of furniture . I mustn 't say that because I 'm sure I 'm quite capable of it , but I 'm letting myself be intimidated . I would do it if left to my own devices . Circumstances dictate that I 'm more helpless now . I must get back to my Zen moment that I was in at the start of this post . The dog is telling me it 's time to go for a walk , however , and I suppose I will take him out now . I do hate to make him wait . He 's such a well mannered animal . I hope you 're all having a good day . |
By now , if you have read my earlier postings , you have met Ubi , and you know that he is a Cavachon . You also know that a Cavachon is the lucky offspring of Cavalier King Charles Spaniel , and a Bichon Frise . I say lucky because , well , just look at him . Look into his eyes . My neighbor gets credit for this picture . She dropped her keys and he started to eat them , but she got him to look up at her long enough to capture one of the best photos of him to date . Every time I look at it , and look at those eyes , tears come to mine . I am so blessed to have this guy in my life . He is teaching me so much about patience , tolerance and understanding . So far he has gone through several USB chargers for my phone , and two power supplies for my Microsoft Surface Pro 4 at $ 80 a piece . He has destroyed several of his toys in an explosion of fluff . He has peed and pooped all over the area rug and hardwood floor in my living room , but that 's ok . I purchased the rug just for him . It 's made of polypropylene . And yes , I can 't find half of my socks . I 'm sure they will turn up somewhere one I find his hiding place . I tried letting him sleep in bed with me , and at first that worked out just fine . But then he decided it was more fun to kiss me than go to sleep . I don 't mind him kissing me , but not when I 'm trying to fall asleep . So now I 'm putting him in his crate by my bed until he is a little older and learns that when the lights go out it 's time for bed . As you know , Ubi broke his leg . He healed spectacularly . To watch him run is a wonderful sight . He is so fast . We are in puppy class right now , and he is the smallest puppy in the room by far , but he doesn 't care . During play time he plays with the bigger boys and girls and loves it when he can get them to chase him . So what is it that I didn 't know until last night ? Well another neighbor was over with her dog , and Ubi was playing with her and the other dog , and me . Ubi is so friendly to everyone . He loves it when people visit . He runs up to them with so much enthusiasm . He is just so irresistible . I 'm very happy about this . I want a dog that people don 't have to be afraid of when the come in to my home . I really hope he stays this way . But there 's also a part of me that wants him to be attached to me more so than others . I want him to know that I am his caretaker , and that I am , well , his Daddy . But I figured , if he is friendly with everyone , I guess that 's good enough . At least I don 't have to worry about him biting anyone . But last night something happened and I knew . While we were playing , with my neighbor there , and the other dog there , and new bully sticks that the dogs were chewing on , I had to go upstairs to make sure the doors were closed , so the dogs didn 't get into anything up there . So I go upstairs , and I 'm closing the doors , and I turn around , and there was Ubi . No bully stick , neighbor and other dog downstairs , but there he was , looking up at me , seemingly with relief that I didn 't leave the house through some hidden exit in my bedroom . What did I know ? I think you know what I knew . It was 4 : 00 am this past Wednesday night . Just like the past 3 nights , Ubi was sleeping with me on the couch . I felt this was safe because my couch is so low to the ground . The highest point is no more than 2 feet above the ground . Unlike the past 3 nights , at 4 : 00 am I woke up to a thud , and then loud screeching . " Oh no ! Ubi ! " , I cried out loud . I got up and turned on the light and picked him up . He was shaking violently and yelping . I comforted him as best I could , stroking him , as he looked up at me with those all too expressive eyes . I knew he was in severe pain . Eventually he stopped shaking and squealing though , and I put him on the ground to see if he was limping . He wasn 't putting any weight on his right rear leg . He limped over to his crate , stepped inside , and lied down and went to sleep . I closed the door to his crate , and decided to wait until morning to take him to the vet since he wasn 't complaining anymore and he was resting . The next morning I called the vet at 7 : 00 am , right when they opened , and they got me an appointment at 9 : 00 am . An x - ray showed a broken tibia in his right rear leg . I felt so bad . I felt like I used very poor judgement and I could never forgive myself . The picture above was from when I picked him up from the vet a little bit later . You can tell he 's frowning . My frown is fake , but inside it wasn 't . I told the vet tech that I just felt horrible . She reminded me that I 've never had a puppy before , and sometimes lessons have to be learned the hard way . She said that she had no hesitation sending him home with me because she and everyone else there knew that I would do right by him . It turns out that Ubi doesn 't need his cone collar because he can get to the bandage anyway . A friend at work had a good idea , which was to spray Bitter Apple on it . Today I am having to slow Ubi down because he doesn 't appear to be in any pain , and he 's flying around my condo like nothing happened . He has definitely learned how to use his peg leg , and it doesn 't deter him from playing . It pains me to stop him and slow him down because I know he has a ton of energy and he just wants to play , but the more he puts weight on the peg leg , the longer it will take to heal . So I 've learned a big lesson , and as I finish this up with Ubi at my feet barking at me to play with him , all I can think about is that this could have been much worse . Everyone tells me that he will heal quickly because he is a puppy . I 'm looking forward to the day when he gets the bandage off and is released from bondage . In the meantime , I will consider this to be a character building exercise . Not for Ubi , but for me . Being unemployed is very humbling , but it 's teaching me a lot about budgeting , and keeping my expenses in check . I 've had to cut way back in a lot of areas . No vacation to Africa this year . No more delivery pizza or Chinese food . No more steak dinners at Outback . Regular gas for me , even though my car performs better on premium . I can survive turning the thermostat up a couple of degrees , even though I might sweat a little bit more . Maybe I don 't need the water to be so hot in the shower , and the shower doesn 't need to be so long . Generic prescriptions at Walmart are cheaper than the Giant Food or Rite Aid which are far more convenient . Water out of the tap is just fine . Bottled water is a luxury I just can 't afford right now . Do I really need to rent a movie on Vudu for $ 5 . 99 or should I just watch one on Netflix which only costs me $ 8 . 00 per month . Oh , and I certainly can 't forget about the Ramen Noodles and Macaroni and Cheese . 88 cents for 6 packs of Ramen noodles . Can 't beat that price . I can mix that with some pre - sliced chicken breast , and some spinach and mushrooms , and maybe some canned pees of black beans . I don 't use the nasty flavor packets . Just the plain noodles mixed with just about anything . Macaroni and cheese mixed with some of these things are good too . It 's amazing what you can discover , or in this case rediscover in the grocery store that is so inexpensive , and yet still very tasty . What hurts me though is having to cut back on pet food as well . No more Blue Buffalo . There are other good foods that are not as expensive . I asked the vet for advice on that one and other ways I could save . The vet is being very nice and allowing me to email her when there is a problem to see if the problem can be resolved with free advice . She is also giving me free supplements which my dog needs in her old age when she has them available . I have a job interview on Monday . I 'm not going to try to predict how that will turn out , but even if I get the job and I wind up keeping it for a while , I 'm still actually going to be grateful for this time in my life . I 'm learning once again how to be thrifty . After all , there once was a time when I was making far less than I was making when I got laid off and I figured out how to survive . In fact , I was living on less when my mortgage was higher , and I had a car payment which I don 't have right now . I must have just forgotten about this time in my life at some point , but somehow I figured out a way to pay all of my bills , and eat and take care of pets on much less that I was making . To find my way back to that time , I had to ask for help and wound up speaking with a financial counselor . She helped me get my priorities straight , and figure out how to pay all of my bills , and still keep some money aside for an emergency . My Dad helped me find this free service . It 's amazing what happens when you ask for help . Yeah , I think I 'm going to be eating Ramen noodles and Macaroni and Cheese even after I get a job . I 'm learning some valuable lessons here about the importance of saving as much as you can for a rainy day or week or month or year . I was saving money , but I could have been saving more just by making a few simple changes . Maybe that 's why this happened . Maybe this happened to teach me some humility and gratitude . Maybe this happened so that I don 't take a job for granted . Maybe this happened to help me to realize just how much I can tolerate and still have a positive attitude . Everything happens for a reason . I 'll never forget this time in my life , that 's for sure . I can only control so much of what happens in my life . Eating Ramen noodes and Macaroni and Cheese is certainly something that is under my control . So it 's almost 10 : 00 on a Tuesday evening , and I 'm not tired yet . I don 't want to watch TV . I don 't really have anything to do , hmmm β¦ Oh ! I haven 't written in my blog in a while . Now first , I want to warn you , because I 'm about to talk about God . Not the traditional God that many people think of . I 'm not a Christian , and even though I 'm Jewish I still don 't believe that Jewish parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally . I 'm not even talking about an all powerful , omnicient being , that guides our every day lives . In fact , I 'm not talking about anything predefined . The word God is what we use to describe something that means different things to different people . I 'm going to use that word for brevity sake , but really what I mean is , higher power , and by that I mean anything that is more powerful than me . Myself and a friend . Together we are more powerful than me alone . Myself and a group of friends . Even better . Myself and a group of friends and loving family members . Or maybe it 's not people for you . Maybe it is the God of the Bible . The point is it doesn 't matter . What I 'm talking about is anything that you feel can help you when you need help , better than you can help yourself , or , anything that can help you help someone else better than you can help them yourself . For the rest of this reading , God = hire power . God has helped me a lot lately . When I found myself in my depression , just wanting to stay in my hole and not deal with the situation I was going through , some very loving , caring people in my life gave me some help that I needed . First , it was my family , and I didn 't really need to ask too hard for that help . All I needed to do was pick up the phone and say , this is what is happening , and the help was offered . My father and step - mother love me so unconditionally . Sometimes I can be the biggest baby about things , and sometimes there are things I 'm going through which they can 't possibly understand from my perspective , but they don 't care . They just love , and they show it by doing as much as they possibly can , whenever they are able . The problem is , they aren 't as able right now . My step - mother just had knee replacement surgery , and my father is going to have a heart valve transplant sometime very soon . But they were still there for me when I needed them , as much as they could be . However , this time , during a crisis I was going through and I 'm still going through they couldn 't offer as much as they 'd like to be able to , and that meant I needed to grow up just a little bit . That was very difficult for me at first . I wanted more care than they were able to give , and I finally had to face that fact after a week of hell , and a trip to the emergency room because I thought something was horribly wrong with my stomach or abdomen , or I had some other major medical issue going on , only to be diagnosed with constipation . That 's ok . You can laugh . That shit really hurt man ! Then , quite frankly , I started to pray to my higher power . Now , again , if I 'm sitting in my living room saying , " God , please , I need your strength here ! " , is anyone listening , or am I just affirming in my head , that I need help from something more than myself , and trying to work through how to get that help in my head . The weirdness is not in the asking . The weirdness is in the answers you get , and recognizing them . At this point it was another family member who came through for me . My aunt , who just lost her husband and my Uncle from cancer sent me an email one morning , asking me if I could help her with some computer problems . I told her about my situation , and how debilitating it was for me , and that all I could offer was to keep in touch because I thought it would be good for the both of us . I then asked her a question . How is she coping ? Because she 's pretty depressed right now too . She told me about how our grandmother used to make her make up her bed as soon as she got out of it , so she would at least have that to say she accomplished that day . So for some reason , I got out of bed , I not only made my bed , but I finally changed the sheets , putting clean ones on , and then I put the dirty ones in the washing machine along with some other laundry I needed to do . Then we chatted back and forth in email , and eventually she asked me a specific computer question , and it gave my mind something to do . At first I just explained what it could be , and pushed it back on her . But we kept chatting . Then I decided to do some searching online , and I was able to at least partially find the answer to her problem and help her get it more under control . I was still in a bad place , but my mindset had changed a bit . Frankly , having something to do made me feel less depressed . So we continued to chat , and I continued to pray . I also had to make some very tough decisions about some things in my life which I will talk about in another post some time . I started doing a few more , manageable tasks around the house . More laundry , wash the dishes , vacuum a little bit . And then I allowed myself to take a break because I had accomplished some things that I needed to accomplish . Another pretty much sleepless night went by , but I got up and took care of some things I needed do . I went to a doctor 's appointment . I had to take a cab there because of some other real ( more than constipation ) issues I 'm dealing with right now , but I went . I asked the doctor for help with some things and she went over and above to help me . Certainly a higher power there . Another sleepless night , still chatting with my aunt , still getting small , manageable tasks done , still praying . By the way , my prayers were pretty simple . " God , please help me to know what to do next . " This time the answer came to make some phone calls , and I did . I called very good friends . That was today . I had several phone conversations . Then I got a ride to another doctor 's appointment from one of those friends . Then I met my parents for lunch , and took care of some business that needed to be taken care of to make it easier for them to help me in ways that they could help me . Then I met another person and took care of some more business that needed to get taken care of . Then another friend picked me up , and we went to meet with some other friends . I got home at about 8 : 30 after a very full day . I made a few more phone calls . And now I 'm writing this . Will I sleep tonight . Who knows ? If my body needs sleep , I will sleep . It will eventually come , but it sure will come a lot faster if I 'm up and moving , and doing things and staying active . By the way , I meantioned more phone calls . Tomorrow is a very full day . Thursday will have some activity in the evening , and I can always think about how to do more between now and then , and then make some more phone calls . Oh , and I need to go grocery shopping . Luckily the grocery store is in the same shopping center where my condo is . I think I can manage a 3 block drive . I was told so by one of my advocating friends . . So now it 's midnight . I 'm not really sleepy , but I 'm tired , and that 's a good thing . I have to deal with chronic pain , and managing that is tough because it adds to the depression causing the sleep issues which adds to the depression and yes I did mean to say depression three times . But today was a good day . I was up , and active , and tomorrow and the next day will be the same . I 'm certainly not out of the woods here . I 've got a lot more to do to get back into life . Find a job for one , but I need to take care of myself first , and this one was a bit of a nose dive so I 've still got some climbing to do , but I 'm grateful , because I have help , from my higher power . As long as I ask for it , and am able to recognize it when it is presented , it will always be there . People , activity , things to think about . They are keeping me sane , at least for now . So it 's almost 10 : 00 on a Tuesday evening , and I 'm not tired yet . I don 't want to watch TV . I don 't really have anything to do , hmmm β¦ Oh ! I haven 't written in my blog in a while . Now first , I want to warn you , because I 'm about to talk about God . Not the traditional God that many people think of . I 'm not a Christian , and even though I 'm Jewish I still don 't believe that Jewish parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally . I 'm not even talking about an all powerful , omnicient being , that guides our every day lives . In fact , I 'm not talking about anything predefined . The word God is what we use to describe something that means different things to different people . I 'm going to use that word for brevity sake , but really what I mean is , higher power , and by that I mean anything that is more powerful than me . Myself and a friend . Together we are more powerful than me alone . Myself and a group of friends . Even better . Myself and a group of friends and loving family members . Or maybe it 's not people for you . Maybe it is the God of the Bible . The point is it doesn 't matter . What I 'm talking about is anything that you feel can help you when you need help , better than you can help yourself , or , anything that can help you help someone else better than you can help them yourself . For the rest of this reading , God = hire power . God has helped me a lot lately . When I found myself in my depression , just wanting to stay in my hole and not deal with the situation I was going through , some very loving , caring people in my life gave me some help that I needed . First , it was my family , and I didn 't really need to ask too hard for that help . All I needed to do was pick up the phone and say , this is what is happening , and the help was offered . My father and step - mother love me so unconditionally . Sometimes I can be the biggest baby about things , and sometimes there are things I 'm going through which they can 't possibly understand from my perspective , but they don 't care . They just love , and they show it by doing as much as they possibly can , whenever they are able . The problem is , they aren 't as able right now . My step - mother just had knee replacement surgery , and my father is going to have a heart valve transplant sometime very soon . But they were still there for me when I needed them , as much as they could be . However , this time , during a crisis I was going through and I 'm still going through they couldn 't offer as much as they 'd like to be able to , and that meant I needed to grow up just a little bit . That was very difficult for me at first . I wanted more care than they were able to give , and I finally had to face that fact after a week of hell , and a trip to the emergency room because I thought something was horribly wrong with my stomach or abdomen , or I had some other major medical issue going on , only to be diagnosed with constipation . That 's ok . You can laugh . That shit really hurt man ! Then , quite frankly , I started to pray to my higher power . Now , again , if I 'm sitting in my living room saying , " God , please , I need your strength here ! " , is anyone listening , or am I just affirming in my head , that I need help from something more than myself , and trying to work through how to get that help in my head . The weirdness is not in the asking . The weirdness is in the answers you get , and recognizing them . At this point it was another family member who came through for me . My aunt , who just lost her husband and my Uncle from cancer sent me an email one morning , asking me if I could help her with some computer problems . I told her about my situation , and how debilitating it was for me , and that all I could offer was to keep in touch because I thought it would be good for the both of us . I then asked her a question . How is she coping ? Because she 's pretty depressed right now too . She told me about how our grandmother used to make her make up her bed as soon as she got out of it , so she would at least have that to say she accomplished that day . So for some reason , I got out of bed , I not only made my bed , but I finally changed the sheets , putting clean ones on , and then I put the dirty ones in the washing machine along with some other laundry I needed to do . Then we chatted back and forth in email , and eventually she asked me a specific computer question , and it gave my mind something to do . At first I just explained what it could be , and pushed it back on her . But we kept chatting . Then I decided to do some searching online , and I was able to at least partially find the answer to her problem and help her get it more under control . I was still in a bad place , but my mindset had changed a bit . Frankly , having something to do made me feel less depressed . So we continued to chat , and I continued to pray . I also had to make some very tough decisions about some things in my life which I will talk about in another post some time . I started doing a few more , manageable tasks around the house . More laundry , wash the dishes , vacuum a little bit . And then I allowed myself to take a break because I had accomplished some things that I needed to accomplish . Another pretty much sleepless night went by , but I got up and took care of some things I needed do . I went to a doctor 's appointment . I had to take a cab there because of some other real ( more than constipation ) issues I 'm dealing with right now , but I went . I asked the doctor for help with some things and she went over and above to help me . Certainly a higher power there . Another sleepless night , still chatting with my aunt , still getting small , manageable tasks done , still praying . By the way , my prayers were pretty simple . " God , please help me to know what to do next . " This time the answer came to make some phone calls , and I did . I called very good friends . That was today . I had several phone conversations . Then I got a ride to another doctor 's appointment from one of those friends . Then I met my parents for lunch , and took care of some business that needed to be taken care of to make it easier for them to help me in ways that they could help me . Then I met another person and took care of some more business that needed to get taken care of . Then another friend picked me up , and we went to meet with some other friends . I got home at about 8 : 30 after a very full day . I made a few more phone calls . And now I 'm writing this . Will I sleep tonight . Who knows ? If my body needs sleep , I will sleep . It will eventually come , but it sure will come a lot faster if I 'm up and moving , and doing things and staying active . By the way , I meantioned more phone calls . Tomorrow is a very full day . Thursday will have some activity in the evening , and I can always think about how to do more between now and then , and then make some more phone calls . Oh , and I need to go grocery shopping . Luckily the grocery store is in the same shopping center where my condo is . I think I can manage a 3 block drive . I was told so by one of my advocating friends . . So now it 's midnight . I 'm not really sleepy , but I 'm tired , and that 's a good thing . I have to deal with chronic pain , and managing that is tough because it adds to the depression causing the sleep issues which adds to the depression and yes I did mean to say depression three times . But today was a good day . I was up , and active , and tomorrow and the next day will be the same . I 'm certainly not out of the woods here . I 've got a lot more to do to get back into life . Find a job for one , but I need to take care of myself first , and this one was a bit of a nose dive so I 've still got some climbing to do , but I 'm grateful , because I have help , from my higher power . As long as I ask for it , and am able to recognize it when it is presented , it will always be there . People , activity , things to think about . They are keeping me sane , at least for now . It 's not like I forgot about the Lake . I knew it was there . I just hadn 't thought to visit it in a while . I used to walk the dog by it several times a week . I remember feeling better then . Emotionally , physically , better . It 's not a long walk . In fact , if I walk to the path that is adjacent to the lake on two sides , and then walk this path , past the " Logan 's Road House " , past the Hampton Inn , it 's about a mile . Not a really long walk by any stretch , unless you don 't have any legs , or they don 't function for you the way they used to . Mine do . I can walk . There are a few people in my life who can 't say this . Some of these people are rather close to me . But I can walk , and so I did this morning . Something to be grateful for today . The dog was grateful too . Although she was huffing and panting along the way , she turned to me , squinting in the sun , with her tongue hanging out and I could see that all too familiar smile on her face . " Thanks Daddy ! " , that smile was saying . I smiled back and said , " You 're welcome ! " She 's an old dog , my Jamaica . She 's in fairly good health for her age . Sometimes she falls when we are walking , but she gets right back up and continues to walk like nothing happened . I can learn a lesson from that . When we get back to the house and walk inside , it 's nice to feel the cool , dry air hit my face . It 's warm outside , and humid . This is as it should be in late May in the Washington , DC area . Not quite hot yet , but warm enough and moist enough to bring about a mild sweat , even with a mild walk . When we do these walks during the mid - summer months , I am dripping by the time we get back . The dog walks over to the water fountain ( Yes , I said fountain . Just a little gift I gave to her and to the cats a while ago to keep the water fresh and clean for them ) . She laps up 5 or 6 tongue fulls of water , as I reach into the refrigerator and pull out a can of sparkling , lemon - flavored water for myself . Nice , and cold , with a little bit of a bite . This would be a perfect start to a weekend day , except that it 's not the weekend . It 's the Tuesday after Memorial Day , and at the moment I don 't have a job to go to . I should be grateful , and I am for the fact that for the time being I 'm still receiving a pay check , and my company is searching for another position for me . I am grateful , both for this , and for the ability just for now to appreciate the time I had this morning to take the dog for a walk near the lake . We need to do this more often whether or not I 'm working . I need to make the time to do this with her , for both ours sakes . We really only have today . Who knows what tomorrow will bring . I need to make the most of each moment that I have , and not waste the moments feeling sorry for myself , or wallowing in self - pity or fear . But the only way to push the fear away is to fill my life with other things . Good things , like a walk by the lake , and the gratitude that I 'm able to take this walk with my old dog , and add some joy and contentment to her life if only for 1 mile at a time . Maybe we 'll walk a little further tomorrow . Or maybe tomorrow I will have a job to go to . No matter what , I still need to make the time to take these walks with her , for both our sakes . Over the past 3 weeks or so I 've been trying to write another blog entry about my struggle with pain . I was going to write about how a second surgeon , this time from the premier spine center in the country told me that surgery would not be the best option for me right now because of my age , and the risk , and the likelyhood of little improvement . Such a complicated back I have . I just couldn 't find the motivation to write out the whole , drawn out story though , so that 's about all I 'll write about that . Instead , I found some motivation to write today from an entirely different source . I have a new job , and I 've been struggling to overcome a hurdle where I feel comfortable with what I 'm doing . I 've been doing pretty much the same thing for a number of years now , and this job , although somewhat related to the direction my career has been going , is really a whole new direction . Finally , over the past couple of days I 've been finding a comfort zone . I 've been starting to understand the process flow , where the work is coming from , and what to do with the work when I find it . And then fate decided that it had different plans for me today . A few days ago my team was told that we were absorbing some new responsibility from a different team , due to the downsizing of that team . We were getting a new person on our team , and he was to crosstrain with us , as well as members of my team crosstraining with him . Yesterday our new team member said he had something he wanted to show us , and asked us if we wanted to come over and take a look at what he was doing . There were only two of us in the room at the time , and I was the only one who went over to take a look . While over there I remarked about how nice the guy 's view was . His cube was against the window , and outside the window was a lake where there were Geese and some other birds . We discussed logistics , about how we were going to crosstrain when there really wasn 't any more room in our office , and there was only one open cube next to this guy , which was vacated by the person who was fired , which was why his team ( or him because he was now on his own ) was merging our team . We couldn 't come up with a solution as to how the crosstraining would easily take place amongst all team members . Well , today it became clear that what our manager really meant was that I was going to be crosstraining with this new team member and his responsibilities and this didn 't really include the rest of my team . Not only that , but I was going to be moving into the cube next to this guy . Now here 's something else I haven 't mentioned yet . The office I 'm in is closing shortly . The other office is in downtown DC , which I am not excited about traveling to and from every day . But our manager assured us that when this move happens , our team would be work exclusively from home . So no worrying about having to travel downtown . Well , now with these changes taking place , was that still going to be the case ? So how did I feel about all of this ? Well , I was at first a bit frustrated . I had just started to get comfortable and suddenly the rug was pulled out from under me and I was now taking on completely different responsibilities . I then started to worry that this happened because I wasn 't cutting it in my current position , and they saw that , and decided to move me to something else , maybe even to just give me busy work to do until I became the next downsizing victim . The I started worrying about the working from home thing . I 've recently been looking for a new home , maybe a little further away from the city because I 'll have more space and it will be cheaper . Would this sudden change mean that I 'd have to be slogging it downtown every morning and I 'd have to put my plans to move on hold ? I took everything off of my desk and stuffed it into a bag , and moved over to the cube next to my new teammate . I looked at the cube , and noticed that I now had some privacy . The walls of the cube were really high . I then turned around , and remembered the window , which I was also right next to . There were the geese , swimming in the lake . Suddenly my fear just lifted . Sometimes I try so hard to focus on the negative of a situation when that negative is completely imaginary because I had not bothered to substantiate one bit of my fear . Maybe I 'll have the same deal with being able to work from home . Maybe I 'll love this new job , and I 'll love the new responsibilities . The thing is , I was living in the wreckage of the future , which many wise people in my life have cautioned me against , and I have in turned cautioned others against . Who knows what will happen tomorrow . Today I have a nice cube with a view of a lake and geese . So for this day , and this hour , and this minute , things are pretty good , and I 'm going with that . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
CHAPTER ONE NIGHTMARE When my mother was pregnant with me , she told me later , a party of hooded Ku Klux Klan riders galloped up to our home in Omaha , Nebraska , one night . Surrounding the house , brandishing their shotguns and rifles , they shouted for my father to come out . My mother went to the front door and opened it . Standing where they could see her pregnant condition , she told them that she was alone with her three small children , and that my father was away , preaching , in Milwaukee . The Klansmen shouted threats and warnings at her that we had better get out of town because " the good Christian white people " were not going to stand for my father 's " spreading trouble " among the " good " Negroes of Omaha with the " back to Africa " preachings of Marcus Garvey . My father , the Reverend Earl Little , was a Baptist minister , a dedicated organizer for Marcus Aurelius Garvey 's U . N . I . A . ( Universal Negro Improvement Association ) . With the help of such disciples as my father , Garvey , from his headquarters in New York City 's Harlem , was raising the banner of black - race purity and exhorting the Negro masses to return to their ancestral African homeland - a cause which had made Garvey the most controversial black man on earth . My father was enraged when he returned . He decided to wait until I was born - which would be soon - and then the family would move . I am not sure why he made this decision , for he was not a frightened Negro , as most then were , and many still are today . My father was a big , six - foot - four , very black man . He had only one eye . How he had lost the other one I have never known . He was from Reynolds , Georgia , where he had left school after the third or maybe fourth grade . He believed , as did Marcus Garvey , that freedom , independence and self - respect could never be achieved by the Negro in America , and that therefore the Negro should leave America to the white man and return to his African land of origin . Among the reasons my father had decided to risk and dedicate his life to help disseminate this philosophy among his people was that he had seen four of his six brothers die by violence , three of them killed by white men , including one by lynching . What my father could not know then was that of the remaining three , including himself , only one , my Uncle Jim , would die in bed , of natural causes . Northern white police were later to shoot my Uncle Oscar . And my father was finally himself to die by the white man 's hands . I was my father 's seventh child . He had three children by a previous marriage - Ella , Earl , and Mary , who lived in Boston . He had met and married my mother in Philadelphia , where their first child , my oldest full brother ; Wilfred , was born . They moved from Philadelphia to Omaha , where Hilda and then Philbert were born . I was next in line . My mother was twenty - eight when I was born on May 19 , 1925 , in an Omaha hospital . Then we moved to Milwaukee , where Reginald was born . From infancy , he had some kind of hernia condition which was to handicap him physically for the rest of his life . Louise Little , my mother , who was born in Grenada , in the British West Indies , looked like a white woman . Her father was white . She had straight black hair , and her accent did not sound like a Negro 's . Of this white father of hers , I know nothing except her shame about it . I remember hearing her say she was glad that she had never seen him . It was , of course , because of him that I got my reddish - brown " mariny " color of skin , and my hair of the same color . I was the lightest child in our family . ( Out in the world later on , in Boston and New York , I was among the millions of Negroes who were insane enough to feel that it was some kind of status symbol to be light complexioned - that one was actually fortunate to be born thus . But , still later , I learned to hate every drop of that white rapist 's blood that is in me . ) Our family stayed only briefly in Milwaukee , for my father wanted to find a place where he could raise our own food and perhaps build a business . The teaching of Marcus Garvey stressed becoming independent of the white man . We went next , for some reason , to Lansing , Michigan . My father bought a house and soon , as had been his pattern , he was doing free - lance Christian preaching in local Negro Baptist churches , and during the week he was roaming about spreading word of Marcus Garvey . He had begun to lay away savings for the store he had always wanted to own when , as always , some stupid local Uncle Tom Negroes began to funnel stories about his revolutionary beliefs to the local white people . This time , the get - out - of - town threats came from a local hate society called The Black Legion . They wore black robes instead of white . Soon , nearly everywhere my father went , Black Legionnaires were reveiling him as an " uppity nigger " for wanting to own a store , for living outside the Lansing Negro district , for spreading unrest and dissention among " the good niggers . " As in Omaha , my mother was pregnant again , this time with my youngest sister . Shortly after Yvonne was born came the nightmare night in 1929 , my earliest vivid memory . I remember being suddenly snatched awake into a frightening confusion of pistol shots and shouting and smoke and flames . My father had shouted and shot at the two white men who had set the fire and were running away . Our home was burning down around us . We were lunging and bumping and tumbling all over each other trying to escape . My mother , with the baby in her arms , just made it into the yard before the house crashed in , showering sparks . I remember we were outside in the night in our underwear , crying and yelling our heads off . The white police and firemen came and stood around watching as the house burned down to the ground . My father prevailed on some friends to clothe and house us temporarily ; then he moved us into another house on the outskirts of East Lansing . In those days Negroes weren 't allowed after dark in East Lansing proper . There 's where Michigan State University is located ; I related all of this to an audience of students when I spoke there in January , 1963 ( and had the first reunion in a long while with my younger brother , Robert , who was there doing postgraduate studies in psychology ) . I told them how East Lansing harassed us so much that we had to move again , this time two miles out of town , into the country . This was where my father built for us with his own hands a four - room house . This is where I really begin to remember things - this home where I started to grow up . After the fire , I remember that my father was called in and questioned about a permit for the pistol with which he had shot at the white men who set the fire . I remember that the police were always dropping by our house , shoving things around , " just checking " or " looking for a gun . " The pistol they were looking for - which they never found , and for which they wouldn 't issue a permit - was sewed up inside a pillow . My father 's . 22 rifle and his shotgun , though , were right out in the open ; everyone had them for hunting birds and rabbits and other game . After that , my memories are of the friction between my father and mother . They seemed to be nearly always at odds . Sometimes my father would beat her . It might have had something to do with the fact that my mother had a pretty good education . Where she got it I don 't know . But an educated woman , I suppose , can 't resist the temptation to correct an uneducated man . Every now and then , when she put those smooth words on him , he would grab her . My father was also belligerent toward all of the children , except me . The older ones he would beat almost savagely if they broke any of his rules - and he had so many rules it was hard to know them all . Nearly all my whippings came from my mother . I 've thought a lot about why . I actually believe that as anti - white as my father was , he was subconsciously so afflicted with the white man 's brainwashing of Negroes that he inclined to favor the light ones , and I was his lightest child . Most Negro parents in those days would almost instinctively treat any lighter children better than they did the darker ones . It came directly from the slavery tradition that the " mulatto , " because he was visibly nearer to white , was therefore " better . " My two other images of my father are both outside the home . One was his role as a Baptist preacher . He never pastored in any regular church of his own ; he was always a " visiting preacher . " I remember especially his favorite sermon : " That little _ black _ train is a - comin ' . . . an ' you better get all your business right ! " I guess this also fit his association with the back - to - Africa movement , with Marcus Garvey 's " Black Train Homeward . " My brother Philbert , the one just older than me , loved church , but it confused and amazed me . I would sit goggle - eyed at my father jumping and shouting as he preached , with the congregation jumping and shouting behind him , their souls and bodies devoted to singing and praying . Even at that young age , I just couldn 't believe in the Christian concept of Jesus as someone divine . And no religious person , until I was a man in my twenties - and then in prison - could tell me anything . I had very little respect for most people who represented religion . It was in his role as a preacher that my father had most contact with the Negroes of Lansing . Believe me when I tell you that those Negroes were in bad shape then . They are still in bad shape - though in a different way . By that I mean that I don 't know a town with a higher percentage of complacent and misguided so - called " middle - class " Negroes - the typical status - symbol Β oriented , integration - seeking type of Negroes . Just recently , I was standing in a lobby at theUnited Nations talking with an African ambassador and his wife , when a Negro came up to me and said , " You know me ? " I was a little embarrassed because I thought he was someone I should remember . It turned out that he was one of those bragging , self - satisfied , " middle - class " Lansing Negroes . I wasn 't ingratiated . He was the type who would never have been associated with Africa , until the fad of having African friends became a status - symbol for " middle - class " Negroes . Back when I was growing up , the " successful " Lansing Negroes were such as waiters and bootblacks . To be a janitor at some downtown store was to be highly respected . The real " elite , " the " big shots , " the " voices of the race , " were the waiters at the Lansing Country Club and the shoeshine boys at the state capitol . The only Negroes who really had any money were the ones in the numbers racket , or who ran the gambling houses , or who in some other way lived parasitically off the poorest ones , who were the masses . No Negroes were hired then by Lansing 's big Oldsmobile plant , or the Reo plant . ( Do you remember the Reo ? It was manufactured in Lansing , and R . E . Olds , the man after whom it was named , also lived in Lansing . When the war came along , they hired some Negro janitors . ) The bulk of the Negroes were either on Welfare , or W . P . A . , or they starved . The day was to come when our family was so poor that we would eat the hole out of a doughnut ; but at that time we were much better off than most town Negroes . The reason was that we raised much of our own food out there in the country where we were . We were much better off than the town Negroes who would shout , as my father preached , for the pie - in - the - sky and their heaven in the hereafter while the white man had his here on earth . I knew that the collections my father got for his preaching were mainly what fed and clothed us , and he also did other odd jobs , but still the image of him that made me proudest was his crusading and militant campaigning with thewords of Marcus Garvey . As young as I was then , I knew from what I overheard that my father was saying something that made him a " tough " man . I remember an old lady , grinning and saying to my father , " You 're scaring these white folks to death ! " One of the reasons I 've always felt that my father favored me was that to the best of my remembrance , it was only me that he sometimes took with him to the Garvey U . N . I . A . meetings which he held quietly in different people 's homes . There were never more than a few people at any one time - twenty at most . But that was a lot , packed into someone 's living room . I noticed how differently they all acted , although sometimes they were the same people who jumped and shouted in church . But in these meetings both they and my father were more intense , more intelligent and down to earth . It made me feel the same way . " No one knows when the hour of Africa 's redemption cometh . It is in the wind . It is coming . One day , like a storm , it will be here . " I remember seeing the big , shiny photographs of Marcus Garvey that were passed from hand to hand . My father had a big envelope of them that he always took to these meetings . The pictures showed what seemed to me millions of Negroes thronged in parade behind Garvey riding in a fine car , a big black man dressed in a dazzling uniform with gold braid on it , and he was wearing a thrilling hat with tall plumes . I remember hearing that he had black followers not only hi the United States but all around the world , and I remember how the meetings always closed with my father saying , several times , and the people chanting after him , " Up , you mighty race , you can accomplish what you will ! " I have never understood why , after hearing as much as I did of these kinds of things , I somehow never thought , then , of the black people in Africa . My image of Africa , at that time , was of naked savages , cannibals , monkeys and tigers and steaming jungles . My father would drive in his old black touring car , sometimes taking me , to meeting places all around the Lansing area . I remember one daytime meeting ( most were at night ) in the town of Owosso , forty miles from Lansing , which the Negroes called " White City . " ( Owosso 's greatest claim to fame is that it is the home town of Thomas E . Dewey . ) As in East Lansing , no Negroes were allowed on the streets there after dark - hence the daytime meeting . In point of fact , in those days lots of Michigan towns were like that . Every town had a few " home " Negroes who lived there . Sometimes it would be just one family , as in the nearby county seat , Mason , which had a single Negro family named Lyons . Mr . Lyons had been a famous football star at Mason High School , was highly thought of in Mason , and consequently he now worked around that town in menial jobs . My mother at this tune seemed to be always working - cooking , washing , ironing , cleaning , and fussing over us eight children . And she was usually either arguing with or not speaking to my father . One cause of friction was that she had strong ideas about what she wouldn 't eat - and didn 't want _ us _ to eat - including pork and rabbit , both of which my father loved dearly . I 've said that my mother was the one who whipped me - at least she did whenever she wasn 't ashamed to let the neighbors think she was killing me . For if she even acted as though she was about to raise her hand to me , I would openmy mouth and let the world know about it . If anybody was passing by out on the road , she would either change her mind or just give me a few licks . Thinking about it now , I feel definitely that just as my father favored me for being lighter than the other children , my mother gave me more hell for the same reason . She was very light herself but she favored the ones who were darker . Wilfred , I know , was particularly her angel . I remember that she would tell me to get out of the house and " Let the sun shine on you so you can get some color . " She went out of her way never to let me become afflicted with a sense of color - superiority . I am sure that she treated me this way partly because of how she came to be light herself . I learned early that crying out in protest could accomplish things . My older brothers and sister had started to school when , sometimes , they would come in and ask for a buttered biscuit or something and my mother , impatiently , would tell them no . But I would cry out and make a fuss until I got what I wanted . I remember well how my mother asked me why I couldn 't be a nice boy like Wilfred ; but I would think to myself that Wilfred , for being so nice and quiet , often stayed hungry . So early in life , I had learned that if you want something , you had better make some noise . Not only did we have our big garden , but we raised chickens . My father would buy some baby chicks and my mother would raise them . We all loved chicken . That was one dish there was no argument with my father about . One thing in particular that I remember made me feel grateful toward my mother was that one day I went and asked her for my own garden , and she did let me have my own little plot . I loved it and took care of it well . I loved especially to grow peas . I was proud when we had them on our table . I would pull out the grass in my garden by hand when the first little blades came up . I would patrol the rows on my hands and knees for any worms and bugs , and I would kill and bury them . And sometimes when I had everything straight and clean for mythings to grow , I would lie down on my back between two rows , and I would gaze up in the blue sky at the clouds moving and think all kinds of things . At five , I , too , began to go to school , leaving home in the morning along with Wilfred , Hilda , and Philbert . It was the Pleasant Grove School that went from kindergarten through the eighth grade . It was two miles outside the city limits , and I guess there was no problem about our attending because we were the only Negroes in the area . In those days white people in the North usually would " adopt " just a few Negroes ; they didn 't see them as any threat . The white kids didn 't make any great thing about us , either . They called us " nigger " and " darkie " and " Rastus " so much that we thought those were our natural names . But they didn 't think of it as an insult ; it was just the way they thought about us . One afternoon in 1931 when Wilfred , Hilda , Philbert , and I came home , my mother and father were having one of their arguments . There had lately been a lot of tension around the house because of Black Legion threats . Anyway , my father had taken one of the rabbits which we were raising , and ordered my mother to cook it . We raised rabbits , but sold them to whites . My father had taken a rabbit from the rabbit pen . He had pulled off the rabbit 's head . He was so strong , he needed no knife to behead chickens or rabbits . With one twist of his big black hands he simply twisted off the head and threw the bleeding - necked thing back at my mother 's feet . My mother was crying . She started to skin the rabbit , preparatory to cooking it . But my father was so angry he slammed on out of the front door and started walking up the road toward town . It was then that my mother had this vision . She had always been a strange woman in this sense , and had always had a strong intuition of things about to happen . And most of her children are the same way , I think . When something is about to happen , I can feel something , sense something . I never have known something to happen that has caught me completely off guard - except once . And that was when , years later , I discovered facts I couldn 't believe about a man who , up until that discovery , I would gladly have given my life for . My father was well up the road when my mother ran screaming out onto the porch . _ " Early ! Early ! " _ She screamed his name . She clutched up her apron in one hand , and ran down across the yard and into the road . My father turned around . He saw her . For some reason , considering how angry he had been when he left , he waved at her . But he kept on going . She told me later , my mother did , that she had a vision of my father 's end . All the rest of the afternoon , she was not herself , crying and nervous and upset . She finished cooking the rabbit and put the whole thing in the warmer part of the black stove . When my father was not back home by our bedtime , my mother hugged and clutched us , and we felt strange , not knowing what to do , because she had never acted like that . I remember waking up to the sound of my mother 's screaming again . When I scrambled out , I saw the police in the Irving room ; they were trying to calm her down . She had snatched on her clothes to go with them . And all of us children who were staring knew without anyone having to say it that something terrible had happened to our father . My mother was taken by the police to the hospital , and to a room where a sheet was over my father in a bed , and she wouldn 't look , she was afraid to look . Probably it was wise that she didn 't . My father 's skull , on one side , was crushed in , I was told later . Negroes in Lansing have always whispered that he wasattacked , and then laid across some tracks for a streetcar to run over him . His body was cut almost in half . He lived two and a half hours in that condition . Negroes then were stronger than they are now , especially Georgia Negroes . Negroes born in Georgia had to be strong simply to survive . It was morning when we children at home got the word that he was dead . I was six . I can remember a vague commotion , the house filled up with people crying , saying bitterly that the white Black Legion had finally gotten him . My mother was hysterical . In the bedroom , women were holding smelling salts under her nose . She was still hysterical at the funeral . I don 't have a very clear memory of the funeral , either . Oddly , the main thing I remember is that it wasn 't in a church , and that surprised me , since my father was a preacher , and I had been where he preached people 's funerals in churches . But his was in a funeral home . We children adjusted more easily than our mother did . We couldn 't see , as clearly as she did , the trials that lay ahead . As the visitors tapered off , she became very concerned about collecting the two insurance policies that my father had always been proud he carried . He had always said that families should be protected in case of death . One policy apparently paid off without any problem - the smaller one . I don 't know the amount of it . I would imagine it was not more than a thousand dollars , and maybe half of that . But after that money came , and my mother had paid out a lot of it for the funeral and expenses , she began going into town and returning very upset . The company that had issued the bigger policy was balking at paying off . They were claiming that my father had committed suicide . Visitors came again , and there was bitter talk about white people : how could my father bash himself in the head , then get down across the streetcar tracks to be run over ? So there we were . My mother was thirty - four years old now , with no husband , no provider or protector to take care of her eight children . But some kind of a family routine got going again . And for as long as the first insurance money lasted , we did all right . Wilfred , who was a pretty stable fellow , began to act older than his age . I think he had the sense to see , when the rest of us didn 't , what was in the wind for us . He quietly quit school and went to town in search of work . He took any kind of job he could find and he would come home , dog - tired , in the evenings , and give whatever he had made to my mother . Hilda , who always had been quiet , too , attended to the babies . Philbert and I didn 't contribute anything . We just fought all the time - each other at home , and then at school we would team up and fight white kids . Sometimes the fights would be racial in nature , but they might be about anything . Reginald came under my wing . Since he had grown out of the toddling stage , he and I had become very close . I suppose I enjoyed the fact that he was the little one , under me , who looked up to me . My mother began to buy on credit . My father had always been very strongly against credit . " Credit is the first step into debt and back into slavery , " he had always said . And then she went to work herself . She would go into Lansing and find different jobs - in housework , or sewing - for white people . They didn 't realize , usually , that she was a Negro . A lot of white people around there didn 't want Negroes in their houses . She would do fine until in some way or other it got to people who she was , whose widow she was . And then she would be let go . I remember how she used to come home crying , but trying to hide it , because she had lost a job that she needed so much . When the state Welfare people began coming to our house , we would come from school sometimes and find them talking with our mother , asking a thousand questions . They acted and looked at her , and at us , and around in our house , in a way that had about it the feeling - at least for me - that we were not people . In their eyesight we were just _ things _ , that was all . My mother began to receive two checks - a Welfare check and , I believe , widow 's pension . The checks helped . But they weren 't enough , as many of us as there were . When they came , about the first of the month , one always wasalready owed in full , if not more , to the man at the grocery store . And , after that , the other one didn 't last long . We began to go swiftly downhill . The physical downhill wasn 't as quick as the psychological . My mother was , above everything else , a proud woman , and it took its toll on her that she was accepting charity . And her feelings were communicated to us . She would speak sharply to the man at the grocery store for padding the bill , telling him that she wasn 't ignorant , and he didn 't like that . She would talk back sharply to the state Welfare people , telling them that she was a grown woman , able to raise her children , that it wasn 't necessary for them to keep coming around so much , meddling in our lives . And they didn 't like that . But the monthly Welfare check was their pass . They acted as if they owned us , as if we were their private property . As much as my mother would have liked to , she couldn 't keep them out . She would get particularly incensed when they began insisting upon drawing us older children aside , one at a time , out on the porch or somewhere , and asking us questions , or telling us things - against our mother and against each other . We couldn 't understand why , if the state was willing to give us packages of meat , sacks of potatoes and fruit , and cans of all kinds of things , our mother obviously hated to accept . We really couldn 't understand . What I later understood was that my mother was making a desperate effort to preserve her pride - and ours . Pride was just about all we had to preserve , for by 1934 , we really began to suffer . This was about the worst depression year , and no one we knew had enough to eat or live on . Some old family friends visited us now and then . At first they brought food . Though it was charity , my mother took it . Wilfred was working to help . My mother was working , when she could find any kind of job . In Lansing , there was a bakery where , for a nickel , a couple of us children would buy a tall flour sack of day - old bread and cookies , and then walk the two miles back out into the country to our house . Our mother knew , I guess , dozens of ways to cook things with bread and out of bread . Stewed tomatoes with bread , maybe that would be a meal . Something like French toast , if we had any eggs . Bread pudding , sometimes with raisins in it . If we got hold of some hamburger , it came to the table more bread than meat . The cookies that were always in the sack with the bread , we just gobbled down straight . But there were times when there wasn 't even a nickel and we would be so hungry we were dizzy . My mother would boil a big pot of dandelion greens , and we would eat that . I remember that some small - minded neighbor put it out , and children would tease us , that we ate " fried grass . " Sometimes , if we were lucky , we would have oatmeal or cornmeal mush three times a day . Or mush in the morning and cornbread at night . Philbert and I were grown up enough to quit fighting long enough to take the . 22 caliber rifle that had been our father 's , and shoot rabbits that some white neighbors up or down the road would buy . I know now that they just did it to help us , because they , like everyone , shot their own rabbits . Sometimes , I remember , Philbert and I would take little Reginald along with us . He wasn 't very strong , but he was always so proud to be along . We would trap muskrats out in the little creek in back of our house . And we would lie quiet until unsuspecting bullfrogs appeared , and we would spear them , cut off their legs , and sell them for a nickel a pair to people who lived up and down the road . The whites seemed less restricted in their dietary tastes . Then , about in late 1934 , I would guess , something began to happen . Some kind of psychological deterioration hit our family circle and began to eat awayour pride . Perhaps it was the constant tangible evidence that we were destitute . We had known other families who had gone on relief . We had known without anyone in our home ever expressing it that we had felt prouder not to be at the depot where the free food was passed out . And , now , we were among them . At school , the " on relief " finger suddenly was pointed at us , too , and sometimes it was said aloud . It seemed that everything to eat in our house was stamped Not To Be Sold . All Welfare food bore this stamp to keep the recipients from selling it . It 's a wonder we didn 't come to think of Not To Be Sold as a brand name . Sometimes , instead of going home from school , I walked the two miles up the road into Lansing . I began drifting from store to store , hanging around outside where things like apples were displayed in boxes and barrels and baskets , and I would watch my chance and steal me a treat . You know what a treat was to me ? Anything ! Or I began to drop in about dinnertime at the home of some family that we knew . I knew that they knew exactly why I was there , but they never embarrassed me by letting on . They would invite me to stay for supper , and I would stuff myself . Especially , I liked to drop in and visit at the Gohannases ' home . They were nice , older people , and great churchgoers . I had watched them lead the jumping and shouting when my father preached . They had , living with them - they were raising him - a nephew whom everyone called " Big Boy , " and he and I got along fine . Also living with the Gohannases was old Mrs . Adcock , who went with them to church . She was always trying to help anybody she could , visiting anyone she heard was sick , carrying them something . She was the one who , years later , would tell me something that I remembered a long time : " Malcolm , there 's one thing I like about you . You 're no good , but you don 't try to hide it . You are not a hypocrite . " I was growing up fast , physically more so than mentally . As I began to be recognized more around the town , I started to become aware of the peculiar attitude of white people toward me . I sensed that it had to do with my father . It was an adult version of what several white children had said at school , in hints , or sometimes in the open , which really expressed what their parents had said - that the Black Legion or the Klan had killed my father , and the insurance company had pulled a fast one in refusing to pay my mother the policy money . When I began to get caught stealing now and then , the state Welfare people began to focus on me when they came to our house . I can 't remember how I first became aware that they were talking of taking me away . What I first remember along that line was my mother raising a storm about being able to bring up her own children . She would whip me for stealing , and I would try to alarm the neighborhood with my yelling . One thing I have always been proud of is that I never raised my hand against my mother . In the summertime , at night , in addition to all the other things we did , some of us boys would slip out down the road , or across the pastures , and go " cooning " watermelons . White people always associated watermelons with Negroes , and they sometimes called Negroes " coons " among all the other names , and so stealing watermelons became " cooning " them . If white boys were doing it , it implied that they were only acting like Negroes . Whites have always hidden or justified all of the guilts they could by ridiculing or blaming Negroes . One Halloween night , I remember that a bunch of us were out tipping over those old country outhouses , and one old farmer - I guess he had tipped over enough in his day - had set a trap for us . Always , you sneak up from behind the outhouse , then you gang together and push it , to tip it over . This farmer had taken his outhouse off the hole , and set it just in _ front _ of the hole . Well , we came sneaking up in single file , in the darkness , and the two white boys in the lead fell down into the outhouse hole neck deep . They smelled so bad it was all we could stand to get them out , and that finished us all for that Halloween . I had just missed falling in myself . The whites were so used to taking the lead , this time it had really gotten them in the hole . Thus , in various ways , I learned various things . I picked strawberries , and though I can 't recall what I got per crate for picking , I remember that after working hard all one day , I wound up with about a dollar , which was a whole lot of money in those times . I was so hungry , I didn 't know what to do . I was walking away toward town with visions of buying something good to eat , and this older white boy I knew , Richard Dixon , came up and asked me if I wanted to match nickels . He had plenty of change for my dollar . In about a half hour , he had all the change back , including my dollar , and instead of going to town to buy something , I went home with nothing , and I was bitter . But that was nothing compared to what I felt when I found out later that he had cheated . There is a way that you can catch and hold the nickel and make it come up the way you want . This was my first lesson about gambling : if you see somebody winning all the time , he isn 't gambling , he 's cheating . Later on in life , if I were continuously losing in any gambling situation , I would watch very closely . It 's like the Negro in America seeing the white man win all the time . He 's a professional gambler ; he has all the cards and the odds stacked on his side , and he has always dealt to our people from the bottom of the deck . About this time , my mother began to be visited by some Seventh Day Adventists who had moved into a house not too far down the road from us . Theywould talk to her for hours at a time , and leave booklets and leaflets and magazines for her to read . She read them , and Wilfred , who had started back to school after we had begun to get the relief food supplies , also read a lot . His head was forever in some book . Before long , my mother spent much time with the Adventists . It 's my belief that what mostly influenced her was that they had even more diet restrictions than she always had taught and practiced with us . Like us , they were against eating rabbit and pork ; they followed the Mosaic dietary laws . They ate nothing of the flesh without a split hoof , or that didn 't chew a cud . We began to go with my mother to the Adventist meetings that were held further out in the country . For us children , I know that the major attraction was the good food they served . But we listened , too . There were a handful of Negroes , from small towns in the area , but I would say that it was ninety - nine percent white people . The Adventists felt that we were living at the end of time , that the world soon was coming to an end . But they were the friendliest white people I had ever seen . In some ways , though , we children noticed , and , when we were back at home , discussed , that they were different from us - such as the lack of enough seasoning in their food , and the different way that white people smelled . Meanwhile , the state Welfare people kept after my mother . By now , she didn 't make it any secret that she hated them , and didn 't want them in her house . But they exerted their right to come , and I have many , many times reflected upon how , talking to us children , they began to plant the seeds of division in our minds . They would ask such things as who was smarter than the other . And they would ask me why I was " so different . " And when my mother fought them , they went after her - first , through me . I was the first target . I stole ; that implied that I wasn 't being taken care of by my mother . All of us were mischievous at some time or another , I more so than any of the rest . Philbert and I kept a battle going . And this was just one of a dozen things that kept building up the pressure on my mother . But I can distinctly remember hearing " crazy " applied to her by them when they learned that the Negro fanner who was in the next house down the road from us had offered to give us some butchered pork - a whole pig , maybe even two of them - and she had refused . We all heard them call my mother " crazy " to her face for refusing good meat . It meant nothing to them even when she explained that we had never eaten pork , that it was against her religion as a Seventh Day Adventist . They were as vicious as vultures . They had no feelings , understanding , compassion , or respect for my mother . They told us , " She 's crazy for refusing food . " Right then was when our home , our unity , began to disintegrate . We were having a hard time , and I wasn 't helping . But we could have made it , we could have stayed together . As bad as I was , as much trouble and worry as I caused my mother , I loved her . It was about this time that the large , dark man from Lansing began visiting . I don 't remember how or where he and my mother met . It may have been through some mutual friends . I don 't remember what the man 's profession was . In 1935 , in Lansing , Negroes didn 't have anything you could call a profession . But the man , big and black , looked something like my father . I can remember his name , but there 's no need to mention it . He was a single man , and my mother was a widow only thirty - six years old . The man was independent ; naturally she admired that . She was having a hard time disciplining us , and a big man 's presence alone would help . And if she had a man to provide , it would send the state people away forever . We all understood without ever saying much about it . Or at least we had no objection . We took it in stride , even with some amusement among us , that when the man came , our mother would be all dressed up in the best that she had - she still was a good - looking woman - and she would act differently , light - hearted and laughing , as we hadn 't seen her act in years . It went on for about a year , I guess . And then , about 1936 , or 1937 , the man from Lansing jilted my mother suddenly . He just stopped coming to see her . From what I later understood , he finally backed away from taking on the responsibility of those eight mouths to feed . He was afraid of so many of us . To this day , I can see the trap that Mother was in , saddled with all of us . And I can also understand why he would shun taking on such a tremendous responsibility . But it was a terrible shock to her . It was the beginning of the end of reality for my mother . When she began to sit around and walk around talking to herself - almost as though she was unaware that we were there - it became increasingly terrifying . The state people saw her weakening . That was when they began the definite steps to take me away from home . They began to tell me how nice it was going to be at the Gohannases ' home , where the Gohannases and Big Boy and Mrs . Adcock had all said how much they liked me , and would like to have me live with them . I liked all of them , too . But I didn 't want to leave Wilfred . I looked up to and admired my big brother . I didn 't want to leave Hilda , who was like my second mother . Or Philbert ; even in our fighting , there was a feeling of brotherly union . Or Reginald , especially , who was weak with his hernia condition , and who looked up to me as his big brother who looked out for him , as I looked up to Wilfred . And I had nothing , either , against the babies , Yvonne , Wesley , and Robert . As my mother talked to herself more and more , she gradually became less responsive to us . And less responsible . The house became less tidy . We began to be more unkempt . And usually , now , Hilda cooked . We children watched our anchor giving way . It was something terrible that you couldn 't get your hands on , yet you couldn 't get away from . It was a sensing that something bad was going to happen . We younger ones leaned more and more heavily on the relative strength of Wilfred and Hilda , who were the oldest . It was better , in a lot of ways , at the Gohannases ' . Big Boy and I shared his roomtogether , and we hit it off nicely . He just wasn 't the same as my blood brothers . The Gohannases were very religious people . Big Boy and I attended church with them . They were sanctified Holy Rollers now . The preachers and congregations jumped even higher and shouted even louder than the Baptists I had known . They sang at the top of their lungs , and swayed back and forth and cried and moaned and beat on tambourines and chanted . It was spooky , with ghosts and spirituals and " ha ' nts " seeming to be in the very atmosphere when finally we all came out of the church , going back home . The Gohannases and Mrs . Adcock loved to go fishing , and some Saturdays Big Boy and I would go along . I had changed schools now , to Lansing 's West Junior High School . It was right in the heart of the Negro community , and a few white kids were there , but Big Boy didn 't mix much with any of our schoolmates , and I didn 't either . And when we went fishing , neither he nor I liked the idea of just sitting and waiting for the fish to jerk the cork under the water - or make the tight line quiver , when we fished that way . I figured there should be some smarter way to get the fish - though we never discovered what it might be . Mr . Gohannas was close cronies with some other men who , some Saturdays , would take me and Big Boy with them hunting rabbits . I had my father 's . 22 caliber rifle ; my mother had said it was all right for me to take it with me . The old men had a set rabbit - hunting strategy that they had always used . Usually when a dog jumps a rabbit , and the rabbit gets away , that rabbit will always somehow instinctively run in a circle and return sooner or later past the very spot where he originally was jumped . Well , the old men would just sit and wait in hiding somewhere for the rabbit to come back , then get their shots at him . I got to thinking about it , and finally I thought of a plan . I would separate from them and Big Boy and I would go to a point where I figured that the rabbit , returning , would have to pass me first . It worked like magic . I began to get three and four rabbits before they got one . The astonishing thing was that none of the old men ever figured out why . They outdid themselves exclaiming what a sure shot I was . I was about twelve , then . All I had done was to improve on their strategy , and it was the beginning of a very important lesson in life - that anytime you find someone more successful than you are , especially when you 're both engaged in the same business - you know they 're doing something that you aren 't . I would return home to visit fairly often . Sometimes Big Boy and one or another , or both , of the Gohannases would go with me - sometimes not . I would be glad when some of them did go , because it made the ordeal easier . Soon the state people were making plans to take over all of my mother 's children . She talked to herself nearly all of the time now , and there was a crowd of new white people entering the picture - always asking questions . They would even visit me at the Gohannases ' . They would ask me questions out on the porch , or sitting out in their cars . It was seventy - some miles from Lansing , about an hour and a half on the bus . A Judge McClellan in Lansing had authority over me and all of my brothers and sisters . We were " state children , " court wards ; he had the full say - so over us . A white man in charge of a black man 's children ! Nothing but legal , modern slavery - however kindly intentioned . My mother remained in the same hospital at Kalamazoo for about twenty - sixyears . Later , when I was still growing up in Michigan , I would go to visit her every so often . Nothing that I can imagine could have moved me as deeply as seeing her pitiful state . In 1963 , we got my mother out of the hospital , and she now lives there in Lansing with Philbert and his family . My last visit , when I knew I would never come to see her again - there - was in 1952 . I was twenty - seven . My brother Philbert had told me that on his last visit , she had recognized him somewhat . " In spots , " he said . But she didn 't recognize me at all . She stared at me . She didn 't know who I was . Her mind , when I tried to talk , to reach her , was somewhere else . I asked , " Mama , do you know what day it is ? " She said , staring , " All the people have gone . " I can 't describe how I felt . The woman who had brought me into the world , and nursed me , and advised me , and chastised me , and loved me , didn 't know me . It was as if I was trying to walk up the side of a hill of feathers . I looked at her . I listened to her " talk . " But there was nothing I could do . I truly believe that if ever a state social agency destroyed a family , it destroyed ours . We wanted and tried to stay together . Our home didn 't have to be destroyed . But the Welfare , the courts , and their doctor , gave us theone - two - three punch . And ours was not the only case of this kind . I knew I wouldn 't be back to see my mother again because it could make me a very vicious and dangerous person - knowing how they had looked at us as numbers and as a case in their book , not as human beings . And knowing that my mother in there was a statistic that didn 't have to be , that existed because of a society 's failure , hypocrisy , greed , and lack of mercy and compassion . Hence I have no mercy or compassion in me for a society that will crush people , and then penalize them for not being able to stand up under the weight . Back then when our family was destroyed , in 1937 , Wilfred and Hilda were old enough so that the state let them stay on their own in the big four - room house that my father had built . Philbert was placed with another family in Lansing , a Mrs . Hackett , while Reginald and Wesley went to live with a family called Williams , who were friends of my mother 's . And Yvonne and Robert went to live with a West Indian family named McGuire . |
As promised , today we start a New Serial Story . For those of you who are new to the site , I post a new chapter each Saturday . For this edition I will be shifting gears from fantasy to science fiction . We are going back to rejoin 3su , Star Trader to the known Verse , on one of her missions . It seemed like an easy and lucrative job when she accepted it . But , as we all know often what we expect is not what we get . Things can turn ugly very quickly in space . Read more Β» " Hold your paw right there , " Anna said to her father . Farloft placed one large green paw on the paper to hold it in place while Anna wrapped the ribbon around the package . It was handy having a shape - shifting - dragon for a daughter . Her human hands were made for this type of work , unlike his huge paws . The two of them were quickly wrapping presents while everyone else was off picking up the company . Clearair 's first stop was to pick up Theresa , the healer and Farloft 's best friend . Then they would continue to the castle to pick up Sarah , Theresa 's niece and the sorcerous in the kingdom . " My leigh , if you could but consider loaning me the services of your dragon , I can prove to you that my trading vessel will work , " Captain Matt pleaded . King Alfred shook his head . " I do not doubt that you can do as you say , Captain . I saw your impressive machine pull into the dock belching smoke like Farloft himself . But you see , he is not my dragon , as you put it . Farloft is very much his own commander . You would have to approach him directly . " " Have you seen that pearl necklace I received from Queen Sophia ? " Farloft asked , as he came into the main part of the cave . Clearair waded out of the thermal pool in their lair . " It was in the top of the silver caldron with the other jewels in your hoard last time I saw it . " Farloft sat down on his haunches and gazed lovingly at his beautiful blue dragoness . " You always shine so when you are wet from the pool . " He shook his head . He needed to keep his mind on the task at hand , not his lovely mate . " Have the younglings been playing in the hoard again ? " Farloft lay on the rock shelf above the entrance to his cave . His belly was turned up toward the sky and his eyes were mere slits as he basked in the mid - day sun . " Ah β¦ hum β¦ " someone said , disturbing the dragon 's peaceful snooze . Farloft didn 't have to look to know who had flown in on silent wings and landed below at the entrance to his cave . It would be Storm Gryphon . He was the only one who could get past Farloft 's exceptional hearing . His silent and stealthy ways were the reason the king employed him as scout and sometimes spy for the kingdom . As promised here is a short story you can read in one setting . We will do this every Saturday through the holidays . In January I will start a new serialized story . Farloft and Haristaan had been traveling together for several weeks . The old dragon enjoyed the company of the younger black . Haristaan was quick witted , charming and best of all he was a good listener . The younger dragon seemed to absorb Farloft 's stories like a sponge . He never tired of the old one 's tales of times long gone by . Farloft swooped to the right , did a flip , and looked quickly up into the puffy clouds above . This morning Haristaan has started a game of tag and currently he was ' it . ' Farloft was not near as fast as the young dragon , but he did have years of cunning on his side . He knew Haristaan was just waiting for that perfect moment to dive from the clouds and tag him . " Ha ! " he laughed , " I see you . " Haristaan 's black was hard to hide in those white fluffy clouds . The black dipped back out of sight , his exposed wing tip disappeared . It felt to Farloft as though every member of his clan were gathered around him and desperate to hear where he had been and what had happened the six and a half months he had been ' lost . ' His father and mother had not left his side since they spotted him approaching the lair from his jump point . His sister was snuggled so tightly up against him she was like moss on a tree trunk . Personally , Farloft couldn 't stop grinning . It was so good to be home , even if he couldn 't get a word in edgewise . " Give him some room to breathe , " his Father said to the collective group . " Let 's all give him some time to get his paws under him and then we can all sit down and listen to his story . " " He 's so happy with his family home . " Farloft watched Rugarth with Ralgarth playing on the ledge outside their cave . He heaved a big sigh . " You miss your family , " Mesanth said . " It 's only natural . " She draped a wing over Farloft 's shoulders . She knew that their visitor had become very attached to the clan leader . " Will you be going home soon ? " " There is no need for him to hurry off , " Trisk spoke up from her perch over their head in the apple tree . " We 've only just returned home . You should rest up . " She addressed Farloft craning her neck to see him below in the grass . " I do miss my family . Most likely they have given up looking for me by now . " He shook his head when he imagined what his parents must have gone through over the last few months . Many times he had wished he could send them a message , but there was no way . " I should leave soon . " A New Chapter of " In2MInds " will be available soon , but I just couldn 't wait to show you the cover of " In2Minds2 " and the NEW cover for the previous chapter " In2Minds . " These were done by the talented Sherry D . Ramsey . I can hardly wait for the release later this month ! Compare it to the old cover . You will see why I am so excited * jumping for joy * The next day , Rugarth led his party in a wide sweep of the volcanic island below them as he roared a greeting at the top of his lungs . Farloft wondered what was in store for them . Perhaps he was going to be introduced to another clan of dragons on this mysterious island . The volcano at its center puffed plumes of smoke and ash . Farloft could see a river of lava trailing down its side and bisecting the island in its rush toward the shelf where it fell off into the sea creating giant clouds of steam . On either side of the lava the island was lush and green with huge palms and oasis ' of little valleys with glittering pools of fresh water . It was in one of these valleys that the party landed , in a meadow , beside a pool . " Should we go up ? " Daldrath asked excitedly . " They saw and heard us . They will come down . " Tempith tucked her wings and lowered her head to the pool for a drink . It was three days later and the dragon party sat behind a long table with the remainder of their gems spread before them . There had been no further contact with pirates on their journey through the last of the swamp to the Isles of Ryland . The people of Ryland welcomed them with open arms . They prepared a feast and brought them presents of jeweled collars and gilded arm cuffs . The human children wove garlands of flowers to drape over the dragon 's heads and ringed their horns with bands of silver and gold . " Is the dragon steel for trade , " one merchant asked , as he approached the table . " It would make some truly amazing crowns and pendants with the addition of a few of these fine stones . " He waved his hand at the gems scattered across the long table . " I would like to make you a gift of mine , " Tempith said with a nod . " If I might commission a piece in return to be picked up by Rugarth on his return journey . " " Colith ! " Tempith roared . The female dragon had been set upon by three of the flying contraptions of the swamp pirates . Their weapons cut into her flesh as they strafed across her . The sharp metal of their wings kept her from grabbing them by paw or teeth and throwing them into a spin . Every time she reached for one , it tucked its wings and dove in to rip another line across her vulnerable stomach or wing . As the others tried to run toward the outcrop that jutted up out of the swamp to their right , Rugarth and Tempith did their best to fend off the pirates , but Colith 's wing had been injured in the first few minutes of battle and she had fallen behind . Her baskets of precious gems kept the pirates on her tail trying to drive her to ground . " Go ! " Colith roared , as she did her best to fend them off . " Take the rest and fly ! " Gord was unlike anything Farloft had ever seen in his world , or in this one . The colony was huge and the buildings were tall spires made up of steel and glass that reflected the sky and clouds around them . The dragons sailed in among them tilting their wings and catching the thermals and wind tunnels created by their height and close proximity . Rugarth lead them to the largest , and tallest , of all the towers , where he landed and tucked his wings in order to sit . They all followed his example and lined up in a group behind him to wait . It wasn 't long before a committee of Gord emerged from a door on the roof to join them . They were all dressed the same , male and female , in pantsuits of varying shades of gray with only a band around their upper left arm as a symbol of their rank within the community - red being the highest official , down through blue , to green , and finally to yellow . All colors were represented in the reception committee . After almost an hour of walking they finally approached the main settlement of Tilmor . All the teams of working animals had been brought in and put in their corrals . There was no one visible except for a single female human standing in the middle of the town square with her hoe in hand . " It is Dresda , " Tempith said with a sigh of relief over her shoulder to the younglings . " She is wife to the leader we dealt with last time we were here . " Rugarth pulled up at the edge of the settlement , the rest of the dragons came to a stop behind him . He churred to Tempith and she advanced to his side . " I think you should take the lead , " he said to Tempith and nodded in the direction of the human . It was another five day 's trek before they saw the smoke billowing up from the forges of Lanis . Rugarth led the way , making sure he presented a powerful presence to the strong Lanis . Paalsar was the leader of his people . He came out to meet them in his leather apron , his hammer still in one hand and the blade he was working on in the other . The man was built like a dragon without wings . His arms and legs were huge and muscular , and his chest a barrel which made his voice low and powerful . The muscles of his arms rippled as he placed the hammer and blade down on his anvil . A woman , Farloft later found out was Paalsar 's wife , Medeev , came to stand by his side . She rivaled her husband with her muscular arms as she folded them across her chest to listen in silence as Rugarth and Paalsar greeted each other . Rugarth was the first to speak . " It is good to see you , my old friend . " " We 'll buy new ones when we get to Gildon . " Tempith tossed the broken basket to the side of the trail . She and Pier finished redistributing her load . She was one of ten females on the trading mission . " We have to have new strong ones . They will hold precious cargo on the way home . " Farloft handed Pier the last of the stones that spilled out when the bottom of the basket gave out . " Even more precious than these ? " he asked , as he handed her a large emerald and what looked like a rough cut diamond . " Far more , " Tempith said in a laughing voice . She was a large blue dragon with a lovely pattern of rose splashed like wet paint across the breadth of her wings . " I can 't wait to get to the meadows beyond Gildon , " Pier said , changing the subject . " I have never seen dragons hunt . " " We 're going to hunt ? " Farloft said with enthusiasm . Read more Β» Farloft scratched at the side of Rugarth 's cave entrance to announce himself . There was a worn patch in the rock where many before him had requested admittance to an audience with the ruler of the Moreth Clan . " Come in , " Rugarth 's deep baritone rumbled . " Sit . I will be with you in a moment , " he said without turning to see who had entered . The old dragon was sitting before a wall filled with chalk symbols almost from floor - to - ceiling . The runes were in long columns as if they were lists . Rugarth made one last mark with a large piece of chalk , then turned to face his company . The chalk dust had mixed with the silver of the scales on his paw . He had been at this for over an hour now . " Ah , Farloft β¦ I was just making a list for Kennoith of the issues which need attention while we are away trading . " " He isn 't going with us ? " Farloft has thought the senior human would accompany them . Farloft awoke still surrounded by Rugarth 's large frame . The dragon continued to sleep , his head close to the young dragon 's . Farloft studied the old ruler . Up close he could see Rugarth 's silver scales and a scar he had not noticed under his left eye where the scales parted and the black skin beneath bulged upward . The old dragon could feel the youngling studying him . He continued to feign sleep so the little one could finish his inspection . He sensed the young male would feel more comfortable afterward . Farloft slowly wiggled his way out from between Rugarth 's paws . The dragon was as large as his father , but much heavier . Where Mandrake was lean and long , the ruler of the Moreth was bulky and muscular . Farloft sat on his haunches and studied the pattern of silver scales that ran down the old dragons back and spilled off his spine in tendrils like ivy running down a wall . When Rugarth moved in his sleep the scales caught the light filtering in through the opening of the cave and they reflected sun dots throughout the cave . It was magical and Farloft sighed thinking that of all the places he might have been flung during an ill thought out jump , he was lucky to have ended up among friends . Farloft stood with the others at the side of Laroth 's body on the Northern peak of the mountain range . He had walked up with the Nal of the blended community . It was slow , but with Trisk on his back his wing did not hurt any more then when he started the trek . Mesanth carried his stone balanced on her back between her slightly raised wings . He was told that each member of the colony , both dragon and Nal would place a stone to help finish covering Laroth 's body . Mesanth and Trisk introduced him to both humans and dragon as they took to the trail . Some Nal flew with their partners to the top , but many of them were farmers from the community walking up to pay their respects . There were even dragons that chose to walk . One voiced the opinion that they were doing it with respect to Laroth 's broken wings , and the fact that had she been there among them , she would have been walking . Farloft opened his eyes from his nap to find Trisk had been joined by two other dragons of her clan . The three sat above him on the branch of the tree , one was a deep burgundy color with a feathered mane of the palest pink , the other was a bright gold with a pale green mane . The three made the tree appear to have blossomed as they held their wings outstretched to catch the filtered sun bleeding though the leaves of the tree . Mesanth was laying by his side breathing softly as she snoozed in the dappled sunshine . Farloft studied her as she slept . She was really a lovely dragon . Around her eyes and the bridge of her muzzle her golden scales took on a slightly lime green tint . When she opened her eyes , he realized that the coloring made her green eyes stand out even more . Farloft 's pink tongue curled out in a huge yawn . " Afternoon , " he gulped out as he closed his huge maw . " Did you have a nice nap ? " Mesanth pulled herself up into a sitting position . The old dragon frowned , his brow gathering in furrows . Kennoith snuffed in derision , sending the bell at the end of his beard swinging . Mesanth who was allowed to stay after bringing his food and drink , rolled her lovely green eyes as she pinned them on Farloft 's broken wing , and Trisk merely sat silently fanning her wings up and down like a resting butterfly . " No , really , ' jumping ' is very safe if done correctly . " Farloft nodded toward his wing . " This was my fault . I have had time to think about what happened . You have to keep the place you want to arrive at fixed in your mind . A gust of wind caught my wing at the crucial point in the jump and I let my mind wander . I thought of a storm and that jumped me here in the middle of the horrible wind . " " The tunnel twister . " Trisk offered helpfully . She had spoken with the Nal who rescued Farloft and they told her about the twister which had plowed a furrow in the land the day before . Being familiar with the devastation those storms caused , they had avoided its path . Farloft woke up comfortably swathed in blankets laying in a stone depression filled with layer upon layer of soft furs . He raised his head slowly and found that he could focus for the first time in days . He was in a shallow cave and presently unattended , or at least he thought he was . When he tried to rise Trisk swooped down from her perch above his head to land in front of him on the floor . " Don 't try to move just yet . " She cocked her small wedged head and pinned him with her bright blue eyes . " How are you feeling ? " The unrelenting sun beat down on Farloft as he dragged himself slowly forward . He was searching for water and shade on this wasteland his ' jump ' had delivered him to . There was nothing on this barren land except short dried up grass and lichen the color of a fire 's day old ashes . And , there was no sign of relief . The view stretched from horizon to horizon bare and lifeless with hardly more than slight swells in the earth to give it texture . Farloft was heading toward the only outcrop of rock he had seen in hours . It would afford him a bit of shade and allow for him to rest . He had dragged his wing so long over the rocks of this land that it was leaving a bloody trail behind him where he literally scrapped off the scales and then the skin below . An hour later , he finally made it to the rock . He flopped down with his bad wing stretched out in as comfortable a position as he could while still keeping it in the shade . For once he was pleased he was a youngling and no bigger than a very large horse . If he had been his father 's size the outcrop would not have afforded any discernable shade for the huge dragon . " Are you listening to me ? " Farloft 's father asked . The youngling dragon snapped back from his thoughts of fun in the snow with his friends , to his father 's slightly irritated tone . " Yes , Dad , " he said , as he came to his feet and ruffled his wings in order to wake up and get his mind back on the lesson . " You need to pay attention , " Mandrake lectured . " You have to concentrate . " His father shook his wedged head and started to turn away . " Maybe it 's too soon . " " No ! " Farloft shouted . He bound around his father to stop him . " I really want to learn how to ' jump , ' it 's just that Nillit found an abandon human 's sleigh and the rest of the gang helped fly it up to the glacier and they are going to sled today and I was thinking about that and β¦ " his voice trailed off as his father looked down his muzzle at him in total disapproval . " What kind of dangerous folly is that ? " his father growled . " Careening down a glacier in a beat up human sleigh . You could break a wing , or worst , your neck . How many times do I have to tell you β¦ " His lecture stopped abruptly . The youngling really was not ready to learn how to ' jump ' through time and space . He was too irresponsible . The first snow of the season fell late last night and left the farm looking clean and fresh . Charles and Saul were dressed as though they were preparing for a hunt . Charles has on his cloak with his bow and quiver slung over his back . Saul had his dragon tooth dagger and spent the morning sharpening his claws . Azur joined them holding Simone in her arms . " You be a good girl for Brela and mommy will bring you home a surprise , " she said , as she kissed the child and handed her off to the satyr . Charles leaned over and kissed Simone on the top of the head . " We 'll be back soon . " He handed Azur her staff . Saul patted Brela 's shoulder and bent down to rub noses with Simone before turning his back toward the door . ALL of my books are 50 % off during the Smashwords Summer Sale 2016 July 1 - 31st . This is exclusive to Smashwords and there are thousands of authors participating . Hop over and grab some great Summer Reading at a discounted price . Use Promo code : SSW50 Charles paced the living room in agitation . He paused on occasion to look out the front window , across the yard , toward the road . Night had fallen in The Realms over an hour ago and Saul was still not home . Brela sat at the dining room table , her hand wrapped around a mug of tea that had long since grown cold . " I should go after him , " Charles mumbled . " He 's clever . He 's probably decided to stay with someone for the night . " Charles let the curtain he had pulled aside fall and turned back toward Brelar . " Probably . " He really didn 't want to leave the house . He wasn 't afraid of the vamps . They would be fools to try an assault on his home , but left unprotected , his family could be overrun by some thugs Raven hired to do his dirty work for him . The satyr put Simone to bed hours ago and Charles closed Azur up safely for the night . It was just the two of them left to worry if Saul was holdup somewhere or lying dead in a ditch . " Let me make you a cup of tea , " Brela offered . " I 'm going to make me another . Mine 's gone cold . " She jumped up from the table as Charles came to sit down . The water was already simmering at the back of the stove . She spooned out some lose tea into a teapot , added the water and brought it to the table . As an afterthought she turned back toward the cupboard and placed cookies on a plate . She sighed silently before she turned . These were Saul 's favorites . He had a sweet tooth and always loved her chocolate chip cookies . She hoped nothing had happened to him . He was clever , but he wasn 't as agile or strong as he was prior to the mauling . She put the plate on the table and before she sat , she leaned over to pour the tea for Charles . Her ears pricked when she heard the latch on the door lifted . " Saul ! " Charles jumped to his feet . Saul was overwhelmed by his greeting upon arriving home . Brela spilled tea and knocked over a chair to run to him and throw her arms around his waist . Charles ' look of relief made Saul feel guilt . He hadn 't meant to worry his friends so . He want * * * * * " I have to see them , " Azur repeated once again . She and Charles had been arguing about her insisting she had to see the sick vampires . In order to determine what she needed to adjust in the potion she had to see their symptoms . Charles was continuing his pacing downstairs . He didn 't even break stride . " I have told you , going in among the vamps is not an option . " " Then bring one of them here , " Azur suggested . " Not in my house . " Charles stopped and turned on his wife . " Isn 't my description enough ? " Azur stood with her arms crossed , fire licking higher on her horns . " Did you touch them ? Did they have a fever ? In addition to the open sours , did they have lumps or swollen glands ? " Charles shook his head . " No β¦ and I don 't know . " Azur walked up to him and placed a hand on his chest . His aura flared to protect him from her fire . " I need to see them or we will never put a stop to all this . " Charles let out a deep sigh of defeat . " We 'll go during the day so there will be less of them to deal with . " Charles trudged up to Raven 's mansion pushing the wheel barrel full of blood and the red eye potion . It was late afternoon , so there was no guard at the door . Charles used the large brass knocker with gusto . He was hot and tired and wanted to be done with this business . A female vampire answered the door . She kept well back in the shadows out of the overcast afternoon light spilling in the door . Charles had never seen this one before . " I 've come to see Raven , " he announced . " He is not accepting visitors at this time , " she sneered , making her rather charming face totally unattractive . The dungeon was dark except for the pools of light cast by the torches in the scones along the wall . There was a dreadful stench of rotting flesh . But it was the eerie , wailing sounds that careened out of the cells and bounced off the walls of the hall that pierced the soul of the Light - bearer . It was the agonizing cries from the undead and damned of this region of The Realms . " Here . " Raven motioned toward an open cell door . He was not about to let Charles leave without seeing what his new spouse had done to the vampire clan . Bouchard might be able to threaten him with the memory of Adele and what he lost , but he wouldn 't get away with making him feel guilty about killing Azur . She deserved it for the pain and suffering she had caused his people . He still wasn 't sure if he would spare her . Charles ' heart was full of doubt , and his head full of questions , when he returned to the house with the firewood . He unceremoniously dropped it in the box to the side of the hearth with a loud bang . " Charles , " Brela admonished , " you 'll wake Simone . " He turned a sheepish look toward the satyr , but it immediately left his face when he saw Azur standing next to her drying the dishes . He strode up to her , took the plate and cup towel from her hand and laid them on the counter . " We 're going to bed , " he said to anyone who was listening . He took her by the hand and practically dragged her to the trapdoor of the basement . He gestured downstairs . " After you . " He followed Azur down and grabbed the door to close it behind them . As his head was just about to disappear he looked to Saul . " Lock the door and don 't come down no matter what you hear . " Then he dropped the door down in place . Saul looked up at the sky . Even though it was still drizzling and dark anyway , he felt in his bones that it was close to dusk . " We need to go home . " Azur stood in the mud of the road . They had made four house - calls in the last three hours and found all the occupants ill . " What about the rest ? " " We 'll , have to see them tomorrow . I have to get you home . " Saul shifted from foot to foot . It was going to be a long walk home and he had to admit he was the one who would be slowing them down . His left hip had begun to ache since his stand against Howard during the full hour at their home . They had to start for home or they wouldn 't make it before dark . Dear Readers : Thank you so much for being patient with me last week . I am now set up with a new computer and as promised this post is twice as long to make up for lost time . I hope you enjoy the continuing story of " Threat of the Fire Demon . " " I 've come to meet your lovely wife , " Raven said . He had once more ambushed Charles outside his home - this time as he gathered wood for the stove . Raven was just so silent and with the vamp being so old , he could stand the light of dusk and be out before many of his clan were awake . " I have told you before , Raven , you are not welcome here . " Charles picked up another log and added it to the load in his arms . " Well , that is interesting because I don 't think I want her here . Your little Fire Demon bride . " My computer crashed on Thursday . I am stuck with just my iPad . So there will not be a post this week , but I promise to do a post of double length next week provided my new computer arrives in time . Until then I hope you all have a lovely week . Saul picked at his teeth with one long claw . " I swear between you two women you make the best meals in The Realms . I didn 't think I could eat anymore after all the bounty of the circus . " Charles noticed the outing had also improved Saul 's mood . He was smiling again . He 'd been a bit down the last few days . Brela leaned over the table to clear the plates . She swatted at Saul to stop him from picking . The cat looked properly chastised and put his paw back on the table . " I swear I never saw such huge tomatoes , " Sam exclaimed . " One is as big as a softball and it ain 't even ripe yet . Your new woman is a wizard . " Even though he wasn 't doing the work of filling the barrel he took off his hat and wiped his brow with his sleeve . Today was actually a warm August day for The Realms . " Don 't press , Charles . " She leaned back against him as he stood behind her enveloping her in his arms . They were admiring the garden and its bounty . It had never , ever grown as well . He turned her around . " I want to share with the neighbors . At the rate the plants grow they could all have enough to store up for the winter . " He put his hands on either side of her face and raised it up to look into his eyes . " It was a horrible winter last year , Azur . I don 't look forward to repeating it and because of you , we won 't , but I want to pass the bounty on to my neighbors . I want them to be safe and well fed too . " They put Simone to bed still clutching her fire opal . They came back to sit down around the table for another cup of tea and a biscuit . Saul was reclining on the couch where he was in much less pain then he had been since the mauling . Charles was pleased he caught several good sized trout earlier in the morning and Brela had worked her wonders with the last of the potatoes and dandelion greens she picked in the meadow . But it was a poor showing compared to the feasts Azur had set before them in her home . The biscuits with jam were a welcome addition and Azur , with her usual gusto , was putting them away one by one . She was telling them about her journey . It had been a long one and grueling at times . Her people seldom left their land , so mapped routes were not available . It was a matter of finding someone in each world to director her to the next gate . Spring finally arrived . The snow began to melt and soon there was sunshine and green grass sprouting up in the meadow . " There you go , " Charles said , as he helped Brela lower Saul onto the bench at the edge of the meadow behind the house . " A little sun will do you good . " Saul settled himself on the bench which Brela had padded with cushions from the couch inside . The cat was no longer comfortable sitting like a man . His hip ached constantly so he preferred to recline like his cat ancestors with most of his weight on his uninjured right side and belly . He sprawled across the bench . Brela hurried back inside and came out with a small table and set it within reach of Saul . Then she and Charles made another trip inside and brought back a blanket , a cup of tea and some biscuits . They fussed around Saul so much that eventually he hissed at them . He felt lousy afterward . They were just trying to help , but there wasn 't any help for it . He 'd been mauled by a bear . He was hopeful he would one day walk again , but never , ever upright . He would be looking at everyone 's waist for the rest of his life and it angered him no end . He 'd done a stupid thing charging after the bear without Charles close at hand for backup . It was his own damn fault and he didn 't want to impose on anyone because of his stupidity . Charles had a garden to prepare and plant . Brela needed to tend to Simone when she woke up from her nap . They both just needed to leave him alone to sulk on his own . It can 't be said that the rest of the winter passed without incident . A tree fell from the weight of the snow at the arrival of a later storm . It clipped the corner of the upstairs apartment where Brela lived in Charles ' house . They closed off the apartment and Brela had to move downstairs for a couple of weeks until Charles and Saul could make the needed repairs . Brela was capable of making a dishrag taste good , so she made the produce from the goblin delivery stretch further than any of them thought possible . However , in that sweet week in February when all the citizens of The Realms were teased by nature into thinking it was going to be an early spring , even the meat had run critically low . Charles and Saul decided to go for a day hunt . It was too much of a risk to stay out overnight . For the last couple of weeks they had heard the werewolves howling and Saul told Charles privately that he saw a vampire lurking at the edge of the woods . The natives were restless and they were the nasty sort you didn 't want to meet up with in the dark even if you were the last Light Bearer and a Baretii . Just because they had not heard of an incident between their kin and the vamps , it did not mean there wasn 't a chance if the later were hungry enough . As for the werewolves they would be willing to take down anything . They were just generally a nasty tempered bunch . Read more Β» Brela stood at the stove doctoring up her pot of beef broth with the last of her spices . By the end of the week she would be out of everything and hope of spring was still at least two months , maybe fourteen weeks away . Saul arrived a week ago with what he had left of his supplies and a toboggan loaded with firewood . He moved in thinking he could help the family with what little he had and go hunting more often with Charles . He took up residence on the couch in the front room and assigned himself the tending of the fire in the fireplace which kept the house warm . Brela found relief in the cat - man 's presence . Simone was just a child and a cooped up child was a bored and unhappy one . Saul was the child 's favorite playmate . He played with her so hard during this past afternoon that Simone was curled up against Saul 's furry belly on the rug in front of the fire fast asleep . Charles was napping on the couch . The cold outside and the continually piling up snow had made them all lazy . Read more Β» Charles found Brela at the dining room table the next morning . She tried to hide the jumper she was removing the ward - totem from before Charles could see . " It 's okay , Brela , " Charles said . Saul told him about the satyr 's misgivings . He walked to the kettle she kept boiling on the stove for tea . He dumped a spoon full of tea in the pot , poured in some water and grabbed a mug and the tiny sieve off the shelf . Brela pulled the jumper back from under the table into her lap and continued to remove the small stitches that held the totem in place . Charles came around and sat down across the table from her . " You would have liked her , Brela , " Charles said . Read more Β» Azur cried into Charles ' shoulder as she sat in his lap by the fire in her home . He cradled her and held her tight , trying to banish her heartbreak with his presence . He did not want to see her exiled from her family . That had never been his intention . " I am so sorry , " he murmured in her ear . " I never thought it would come to this . " She wiped at her face with the kitchen towel she brought with her when she collapsed in his lap . Lunch would not be edible by the time she got back to it . " I would bring Simone here if I could , " Charles said . Azur held her finger up to Charles lips to silence him . " We have talked about this . You know it is too much to subject a child to . I would not want her to hate me because I pulled her away from her home and friends . She considers Brela her mother and there is no guarantee the satyr would agree to move too . " Charles and Azur lay in each other 's arms on a blanket of ferns at the edge of the forest . Charles toyed with a strand of Azur 's silken hair , coiling her curly locks around his index finger . She snuggled in tighter to his side , her head on his chest . " I love you , Charles , " she whispered . She stroked the inside of his pant leg with the bottom of her barefoot . She couldn 't get close enough to him . Her soul was at peace when she was in his arms . No vengeful thoughts , no desire to go anywhere other than closer to him . Charles kissed the top of her head . " As I do you , my love . " Saul didn 't return for breakfast or lunch . He just couldn 't bring himself to sit watching Charles fawn over Azur . His head already hurt from both the anxiety of his friend 's actions and the lump he was still sporting from the collision with the wall . When he got hungry he grazed the back area of someone 's orchard , taking a couple of apples and some grapes he thought wouldn 't be missed . When that didn 't satisfy his hunger he went hunting in the forest and killed a rabbit type of animal he cleaned and cooked over a fire made from the flint starter in his pouch . As the afternoon dragged on , his mind toyed with a plan to kidnap Charles during the night , secret him to the gate , leaving the Land of the Fire Demons behind . Perhaps distance would cure his friend 's mood . But , he worried the bond would be so strong Azur might pursue them . Then the very thing they came here to stop would follow them home . The cat 's mind continued to run in circles like a mouse in a cage until by mid - afternoon he decided to wander back to Azur 's . Saul watched the two of them at lunch from under hooded eyes . They took every opportunity to touch one another . Azur came up behind Charles and laid her hand on his shoulder in order to place the dishes of food on the table . Each time Charles passed a plate to her , their fingers caressed each other 's . It was like they were magnetized . When Azur reluctantly left after lunch to tend to her garden , Charles asked Saul to help him to the bench at the side of the house . He sat with his gaze riveted on her . Azur located an appropriate branch to fashion a crutch and Saul sat down next to his friend . Using his dagger he carved the top into a more comfortable ' U . ' Azur took a break , wrapped and secured a cushion of material on the arm rest . Charles was now mobile . He hobbled around behind Azur until she ordered him to sit down and rest or she would send him back to bed . It was a long afternoon for Saul , worrying about his longtime friend 's unusual actions . Saul slowly worked his way through the village . Even though he must have been a creature few of these people had ever seen before , he was welcomed . If the human or demon ( he could not tell one from the other during these daylight hours ) was tending their garden , they stopped to chat . Many offered him something to eat from their bounty . As he wandered , silently looking for Azur 's two keepers within the community , he tried to envision what happened when Thaldrake arrived here . It must have been dark , or he couldn 't have survived . The sun was strong here during the day . If it was night he had to evade the roaming demons and find the homes of their unprotected , sleeping human companions . Azur 's home was at the far end of the village . Why had he passed up all the other human occupants in order to get to Azur 's family ? AUTHOR 's NOTE : ( Fun insight into how an author 's mind works . ) You will see I have added an element into this passage as though it were here all the time . Charles now has a journal . When ' free writing , ' as I do on the blog , I sometimes have ' after - thoughts ' of something I would have , or should have , written if I had it all to do over again . I wanted a journal and so added it . You will find , if you chose to backtrack , that I inserted it in the chapter where they first start off on their journey and again in the ' swamp ' chapter . This will be an element I will use to move the story forward or for reflection , as the case may be . Happy reading , Theresa For such a petite young lady , Charles and Saul were amazed at the amount of food Azur ate . They both assumed it was because she burnt off so much energy when she was in demon form . Charles insisted on joining them at the table for lunch even though Azur suggested he take it in bed on a tray . They filled their plates and bowls with a hearty stew , hunks of homemade bread with butter , and a salad made from every conceivable vegetable the pair knew , plus some odd things they had never seen before . There was a plate of cheeses and sausage , a plate of sweetbreads and cookies , a bowl of mixed fruit , and mugs of cider , ale or water . The pair had not eaten this well in years . The conversation was confined mostly to how the two travelers came to be in Azur 's land . " The swamp was the worst , " Saul declared in a disgusted tone . Saul told Charles everything . He detailed the attack by the beasts in the jungle and Thaldrake 's timely intervention . He told Charles about how Thaldrake was turned , about the dungeon no one knew existed below Raven 's mansion and the atrocities that took place there . He told Charles what Thaldrake said about Remy and his mind . Charles cursed under his breath at the injustice . And Saul told the man about Thaldrake 's intention to become a doctor . By the time he got to the night Thaldrake lanced Charles ' leg , Charles was shaking his head . " We can 't tell anyone where he is , " Charles said . " My thoughts exactly , in fact , I felt so strongly about it that I promised for both of us that we wouldn 't tell , " Saul confirmed . The cat handed Charles a slice of fruit he picked up in the jungle . The elf ate it and held out his hand for more . The cat saw that as a good sign . " What are you going to do about Azur , " Saul asked . " She was frantic to get at him last night when we arrived . " When Saul stepped through the gate , he had just enough time to register in his mind that everything was scorched to a black wasteland , before he was shoved to one side sending him and Charles sprawling to the ground . Saul sprang to all fours with a snarling growl of protest . What he saw made the growl choke in his throat . A fire demon was standing with her back to him frantically striking the boulder where they had just stepped through the gate . Each time her hand struck the stone , sparks flew . She was a petite little creature , only a little over five feet tall , but no less menacing looking . Her forked tail flicked in agitation from beneath a short leather skirt . On occasion it stuck out at the boulder as if on its own violent mission . The fiery tattoos which snaked their way up her legs and arms blazed and flared with each impact of the stone . She knew it was a gate and she wanted in , but the gates only ran one way β¦ lucky for Thaldrake . Saul slept soundly for the first time in three days . He knew the vampire was incapable of harming Charles and he had never heard of their kind attacking one of his kin . And to add to his sense of security , the vamp looked well fed . The game in the jungle must be easy pickings for a flying blood - sucker . When Saul woke up five hours later , he noted several changes . Thaldrake had obviously gone back to their makeshift camp and retrieved their packs along with their meager supplied . The pot he had been using to warm water for tea over the fire was hanging over the vamp 's with stream flowing off its surface . Charles ' injured leg was stripped of its bandages and in their place was a moist , hot rag lying over his wound - another piece of Charles ' ever shorting cloak . The vamp had applied a poultice , and by the looks of things - another rag in the pot - it appeared as though he had been doing it all night . The vamp stopped at a small pool and told Saul to wash the beast 's blood off so they were less likely to follow the scent of their own . While the cat quickly obliged , the vampire pulled a pair of gloves from his pocket and slipped them on . He started to pick Charles up . Saul came to his feet at the edge of the pool and growled menacingly . " We 'll never outrun them if you continue to carry him , " the vampire pointed out the obvious . " You can keep up with me if I take him . " He frowned at the cat - man . " If I had wanted you dead , I would have killed you the day you arrived . " Saul was frantic . It was not a state of mind the usually calm cat was accustomed to . When they came out in this jungle on the other side of the gate he immediately administered first aid to Charles . He cleansed the wound and used the supplies in Charles ' pack to stitch it . He cut more strips of material from the cloak to bandage it again . Then he tended to his own foot . His wound was not so deep and seemed to be healing , but his friend 's was infected and growing worse by the hour . They both expected to see people here or ' demon people ' at least , but none appeared . Over the last three days Saul had run in increasingly wider circles hunting for someone to help . He had not encountered anyone . Read more Β» Charles stood waist deep in the pool at the mouth of the cave . They made it to the mountain ridge by late afternoon . Remy 's map indicated this gate would take them to the Crystal Cave . In the cave they would find the last gate , the one that would deliver them into the Land of the Fire Demons . Only problem was , this gate was a pool of water and required the traveler to dunk their full body under the surface in order to pass through to the Crystal Cave . Saul was more than reluctant to go for a swim . Charles stepped back further in the pool . " Come on , " he said again . " It 's warm , and look at you , " he waved his hand at the cat , " you 're filthy . This will clean you up in no time . " |
As promised , today we start a New Serial Story . For those of you who are new to the site , I post a new chapter each Saturday . For this edition I will be shifting gears from fantasy to science fiction . We are going back to rejoin 3su , Star Trader to the known Verse , on one of her missions . It seemed like an easy and lucrative job when she accepted it . But , as we all know often what we expect is not what we get . Things can turn ugly very quickly in space . Read more Β» " Hold your paw right there , " Anna said to her father . Farloft placed one large green paw on the paper to hold it in place while Anna wrapped the ribbon around the package . It was handy having a shape - shifting - dragon for a daughter . Her human hands were made for this type of work , unlike his huge paws . The two of them were quickly wrapping presents while everyone else was off picking up the company . Clearair 's first stop was to pick up Theresa , the healer and Farloft 's best friend . Then they would continue to the castle to pick up Sarah , Theresa 's niece and the sorcerous in the kingdom . " My leigh , if you could but consider loaning me the services of your dragon , I can prove to you that my trading vessel will work , " Captain Matt pleaded . King Alfred shook his head . " I do not doubt that you can do as you say , Captain . I saw your impressive machine pull into the dock belching smoke like Farloft himself . But you see , he is not my dragon , as you put it . Farloft is very much his own commander . You would have to approach him directly . " " Have you seen that pearl necklace I received from Queen Sophia ? " Farloft asked , as he came into the main part of the cave . Clearair waded out of the thermal pool in their lair . " It was in the top of the silver caldron with the other jewels in your hoard last time I saw it . " Farloft sat down on his haunches and gazed lovingly at his beautiful blue dragoness . " You always shine so when you are wet from the pool . " He shook his head . He needed to keep his mind on the task at hand , not his lovely mate . " Have the younglings been playing in the hoard again ? " Farloft lay on the rock shelf above the entrance to his cave . His belly was turned up toward the sky and his eyes were mere slits as he basked in the mid - day sun . " Ah β¦ hum β¦ " someone said , disturbing the dragon 's peaceful snooze . Farloft didn 't have to look to know who had flown in on silent wings and landed below at the entrance to his cave . It would be Storm Gryphon . He was the only one who could get past Farloft 's exceptional hearing . His silent and stealthy ways were the reason the king employed him as scout and sometimes spy for the kingdom . As promised here is a short story you can read in one setting . We will do this every Saturday through the holidays . In January I will start a new serialized story . Farloft and Haristaan had been traveling together for several weeks . The old dragon enjoyed the company of the younger black . Haristaan was quick witted , charming and best of all he was a good listener . The younger dragon seemed to absorb Farloft 's stories like a sponge . He never tired of the old one 's tales of times long gone by . Farloft swooped to the right , did a flip , and looked quickly up into the puffy clouds above . This morning Haristaan has started a game of tag and currently he was ' it . ' Farloft was not near as fast as the young dragon , but he did have years of cunning on his side . He knew Haristaan was just waiting for that perfect moment to dive from the clouds and tag him . " Ha ! " he laughed , " I see you . " Haristaan 's black was hard to hide in those white fluffy clouds . The black dipped back out of sight , his exposed wing tip disappeared . It felt to Farloft as though every member of his clan were gathered around him and desperate to hear where he had been and what had happened the six and a half months he had been ' lost . ' His father and mother had not left his side since they spotted him approaching the lair from his jump point . His sister was snuggled so tightly up against him she was like moss on a tree trunk . Personally , Farloft couldn 't stop grinning . It was so good to be home , even if he couldn 't get a word in edgewise . " Give him some room to breathe , " his Father said to the collective group . " Let 's all give him some time to get his paws under him and then we can all sit down and listen to his story . " " He 's so happy with his family home . " Farloft watched Rugarth with Ralgarth playing on the ledge outside their cave . He heaved a big sigh . " You miss your family , " Mesanth said . " It 's only natural . " She draped a wing over Farloft 's shoulders . She knew that their visitor had become very attached to the clan leader . " Will you be going home soon ? " " There is no need for him to hurry off , " Trisk spoke up from her perch over their head in the apple tree . " We 've only just returned home . You should rest up . " She addressed Farloft craning her neck to see him below in the grass . " I do miss my family . Most likely they have given up looking for me by now . " He shook his head when he imagined what his parents must have gone through over the last few months . Many times he had wished he could send them a message , but there was no way . " I should leave soon . " A New Chapter of " In2MInds " will be available soon , but I just couldn 't wait to show you the cover of " In2Minds2 " and the NEW cover for the previous chapter " In2Minds . " These were done by the talented Sherry D . Ramsey . I can hardly wait for the release later this month ! Compare it to the old cover . You will see why I am so excited * jumping for joy * The next day , Rugarth led his party in a wide sweep of the volcanic island below them as he roared a greeting at the top of his lungs . Farloft wondered what was in store for them . Perhaps he was going to be introduced to another clan of dragons on this mysterious island . The volcano at its center puffed plumes of smoke and ash . Farloft could see a river of lava trailing down its side and bisecting the island in its rush toward the shelf where it fell off into the sea creating giant clouds of steam . On either side of the lava the island was lush and green with huge palms and oasis ' of little valleys with glittering pools of fresh water . It was in one of these valleys that the party landed , in a meadow , beside a pool . " Should we go up ? " Daldrath asked excitedly . " They saw and heard us . They will come down . " Tempith tucked her wings and lowered her head to the pool for a drink . It was three days later and the dragon party sat behind a long table with the remainder of their gems spread before them . There had been no further contact with pirates on their journey through the last of the swamp to the Isles of Ryland . The people of Ryland welcomed them with open arms . They prepared a feast and brought them presents of jeweled collars and gilded arm cuffs . The human children wove garlands of flowers to drape over the dragon 's heads and ringed their horns with bands of silver and gold . " Is the dragon steel for trade , " one merchant asked , as he approached the table . " It would make some truly amazing crowns and pendants with the addition of a few of these fine stones . " He waved his hand at the gems scattered across the long table . " I would like to make you a gift of mine , " Tempith said with a nod . " If I might commission a piece in return to be picked up by Rugarth on his return journey . " " Colith ! " Tempith roared . The female dragon had been set upon by three of the flying contraptions of the swamp pirates . Their weapons cut into her flesh as they strafed across her . The sharp metal of their wings kept her from grabbing them by paw or teeth and throwing them into a spin . Every time she reached for one , it tucked its wings and dove in to rip another line across her vulnerable stomach or wing . As the others tried to run toward the outcrop that jutted up out of the swamp to their right , Rugarth and Tempith did their best to fend off the pirates , but Colith 's wing had been injured in the first few minutes of battle and she had fallen behind . Her baskets of precious gems kept the pirates on her tail trying to drive her to ground . " Go ! " Colith roared , as she did her best to fend them off . " Take the rest and fly ! " Gord was unlike anything Farloft had ever seen in his world , or in this one . The colony was huge and the buildings were tall spires made up of steel and glass that reflected the sky and clouds around them . The dragons sailed in among them tilting their wings and catching the thermals and wind tunnels created by their height and close proximity . Rugarth lead them to the largest , and tallest , of all the towers , where he landed and tucked his wings in order to sit . They all followed his example and lined up in a group behind him to wait . It wasn 't long before a committee of Gord emerged from a door on the roof to join them . They were all dressed the same , male and female , in pantsuits of varying shades of gray with only a band around their upper left arm as a symbol of their rank within the community - red being the highest official , down through blue , to green , and finally to yellow . All colors were represented in the reception committee . After almost an hour of walking they finally approached the main settlement of Tilmor . All the teams of working animals had been brought in and put in their corrals . There was no one visible except for a single female human standing in the middle of the town square with her hoe in hand . " It is Dresda , " Tempith said with a sigh of relief over her shoulder to the younglings . " She is wife to the leader we dealt with last time we were here . " Rugarth pulled up at the edge of the settlement , the rest of the dragons came to a stop behind him . He churred to Tempith and she advanced to his side . " I think you should take the lead , " he said to Tempith and nodded in the direction of the human . It was another five day 's trek before they saw the smoke billowing up from the forges of Lanis . Rugarth led the way , making sure he presented a powerful presence to the strong Lanis . Paalsar was the leader of his people . He came out to meet them in his leather apron , his hammer still in one hand and the blade he was working on in the other . The man was built like a dragon without wings . His arms and legs were huge and muscular , and his chest a barrel which made his voice low and powerful . The muscles of his arms rippled as he placed the hammer and blade down on his anvil . A woman , Farloft later found out was Paalsar 's wife , Medeev , came to stand by his side . She rivaled her husband with her muscular arms as she folded them across her chest to listen in silence as Rugarth and Paalsar greeted each other . Rugarth was the first to speak . " It is good to see you , my old friend . " " We 'll buy new ones when we get to Gildon . " Tempith tossed the broken basket to the side of the trail . She and Pier finished redistributing her load . She was one of ten females on the trading mission . " We have to have new strong ones . They will hold precious cargo on the way home . " Farloft handed Pier the last of the stones that spilled out when the bottom of the basket gave out . " Even more precious than these ? " he asked , as he handed her a large emerald and what looked like a rough cut diamond . " Far more , " Tempith said in a laughing voice . She was a large blue dragon with a lovely pattern of rose splashed like wet paint across the breadth of her wings . " I can 't wait to get to the meadows beyond Gildon , " Pier said , changing the subject . " I have never seen dragons hunt . " " We 're going to hunt ? " Farloft said with enthusiasm . Read more Β» Farloft scratched at the side of Rugarth 's cave entrance to announce himself . There was a worn patch in the rock where many before him had requested admittance to an audience with the ruler of the Moreth Clan . " Come in , " Rugarth 's deep baritone rumbled . " Sit . I will be with you in a moment , " he said without turning to see who had entered . The old dragon was sitting before a wall filled with chalk symbols almost from floor - to - ceiling . The runes were in long columns as if they were lists . Rugarth made one last mark with a large piece of chalk , then turned to face his company . The chalk dust had mixed with the silver of the scales on his paw . He had been at this for over an hour now . " Ah , Farloft β¦ I was just making a list for Kennoith of the issues which need attention while we are away trading . " " He isn 't going with us ? " Farloft has thought the senior human would accompany them . Farloft awoke still surrounded by Rugarth 's large frame . The dragon continued to sleep , his head close to the young dragon 's . Farloft studied the old ruler . Up close he could see Rugarth 's silver scales and a scar he had not noticed under his left eye where the scales parted and the black skin beneath bulged upward . The old dragon could feel the youngling studying him . He continued to feign sleep so the little one could finish his inspection . He sensed the young male would feel more comfortable afterward . Farloft slowly wiggled his way out from between Rugarth 's paws . The dragon was as large as his father , but much heavier . Where Mandrake was lean and long , the ruler of the Moreth was bulky and muscular . Farloft sat on his haunches and studied the pattern of silver scales that ran down the old dragons back and spilled off his spine in tendrils like ivy running down a wall . When Rugarth moved in his sleep the scales caught the light filtering in through the opening of the cave and they reflected sun dots throughout the cave . It was magical and Farloft sighed thinking that of all the places he might have been flung during an ill thought out jump , he was lucky to have ended up among friends . Farloft stood with the others at the side of Laroth 's body on the Northern peak of the mountain range . He had walked up with the Nal of the blended community . It was slow , but with Trisk on his back his wing did not hurt any more then when he started the trek . Mesanth carried his stone balanced on her back between her slightly raised wings . He was told that each member of the colony , both dragon and Nal would place a stone to help finish covering Laroth 's body . Mesanth and Trisk introduced him to both humans and dragon as they took to the trail . Some Nal flew with their partners to the top , but many of them were farmers from the community walking up to pay their respects . There were even dragons that chose to walk . One voiced the opinion that they were doing it with respect to Laroth 's broken wings , and the fact that had she been there among them , she would have been walking . Farloft opened his eyes from his nap to find Trisk had been joined by two other dragons of her clan . The three sat above him on the branch of the tree , one was a deep burgundy color with a feathered mane of the palest pink , the other was a bright gold with a pale green mane . The three made the tree appear to have blossomed as they held their wings outstretched to catch the filtered sun bleeding though the leaves of the tree . Mesanth was laying by his side breathing softly as she snoozed in the dappled sunshine . Farloft studied her as she slept . She was really a lovely dragon . Around her eyes and the bridge of her muzzle her golden scales took on a slightly lime green tint . When she opened her eyes , he realized that the coloring made her green eyes stand out even more . Farloft 's pink tongue curled out in a huge yawn . " Afternoon , " he gulped out as he closed his huge maw . " Did you have a nice nap ? " Mesanth pulled herself up into a sitting position . The old dragon frowned , his brow gathering in furrows . Kennoith snuffed in derision , sending the bell at the end of his beard swinging . Mesanth who was allowed to stay after bringing his food and drink , rolled her lovely green eyes as she pinned them on Farloft 's broken wing , and Trisk merely sat silently fanning her wings up and down like a resting butterfly . " No , really , ' jumping ' is very safe if done correctly . " Farloft nodded toward his wing . " This was my fault . I have had time to think about what happened . You have to keep the place you want to arrive at fixed in your mind . A gust of wind caught my wing at the crucial point in the jump and I let my mind wander . I thought of a storm and that jumped me here in the middle of the horrible wind . " " The tunnel twister . " Trisk offered helpfully . She had spoken with the Nal who rescued Farloft and they told her about the twister which had plowed a furrow in the land the day before . Being familiar with the devastation those storms caused , they had avoided its path . Farloft woke up comfortably swathed in blankets laying in a stone depression filled with layer upon layer of soft furs . He raised his head slowly and found that he could focus for the first time in days . He was in a shallow cave and presently unattended , or at least he thought he was . When he tried to rise Trisk swooped down from her perch above his head to land in front of him on the floor . " Don 't try to move just yet . " She cocked her small wedged head and pinned him with her bright blue eyes . " How are you feeling ? " The unrelenting sun beat down on Farloft as he dragged himself slowly forward . He was searching for water and shade on this wasteland his ' jump ' had delivered him to . There was nothing on this barren land except short dried up grass and lichen the color of a fire 's day old ashes . And , there was no sign of relief . The view stretched from horizon to horizon bare and lifeless with hardly more than slight swells in the earth to give it texture . Farloft was heading toward the only outcrop of rock he had seen in hours . It would afford him a bit of shade and allow for him to rest . He had dragged his wing so long over the rocks of this land that it was leaving a bloody trail behind him where he literally scrapped off the scales and then the skin below . An hour later , he finally made it to the rock . He flopped down with his bad wing stretched out in as comfortable a position as he could while still keeping it in the shade . For once he was pleased he was a youngling and no bigger than a very large horse . If he had been his father 's size the outcrop would not have afforded any discernable shade for the huge dragon . " Are you listening to me ? " Farloft 's father asked . The youngling dragon snapped back from his thoughts of fun in the snow with his friends , to his father 's slightly irritated tone . " Yes , Dad , " he said , as he came to his feet and ruffled his wings in order to wake up and get his mind back on the lesson . " You need to pay attention , " Mandrake lectured . " You have to concentrate . " His father shook his wedged head and started to turn away . " Maybe it 's too soon . " " No ! " Farloft shouted . He bound around his father to stop him . " I really want to learn how to ' jump , ' it 's just that Nillit found an abandon human 's sleigh and the rest of the gang helped fly it up to the glacier and they are going to sled today and I was thinking about that and β¦ " his voice trailed off as his father looked down his muzzle at him in total disapproval . " What kind of dangerous folly is that ? " his father growled . " Careening down a glacier in a beat up human sleigh . You could break a wing , or worst , your neck . How many times do I have to tell you β¦ " His lecture stopped abruptly . The youngling really was not ready to learn how to ' jump ' through time and space . He was too irresponsible . The first snow of the season fell late last night and left the farm looking clean and fresh . Charles and Saul were dressed as though they were preparing for a hunt . Charles has on his cloak with his bow and quiver slung over his back . Saul had his dragon tooth dagger and spent the morning sharpening his claws . Azur joined them holding Simone in her arms . " You be a good girl for Brela and mommy will bring you home a surprise , " she said , as she kissed the child and handed her off to the satyr . Charles leaned over and kissed Simone on the top of the head . " We 'll be back soon . " He handed Azur her staff . Saul patted Brela 's shoulder and bent down to rub noses with Simone before turning his back toward the door . ALL of my books are 50 % off during the Smashwords Summer Sale 2016 July 1 - 31st . This is exclusive to Smashwords and there are thousands of authors participating . Hop over and grab some great Summer Reading at a discounted price . Use Promo code : SSW50 Charles paced the living room in agitation . He paused on occasion to look out the front window , across the yard , toward the road . Night had fallen in The Realms over an hour ago and Saul was still not home . Brela sat at the dining room table , her hand wrapped around a mug of tea that had long since grown cold . " I should go after him , " Charles mumbled . " He 's clever . He 's probably decided to stay with someone for the night . " Charles let the curtain he had pulled aside fall and turned back toward Brelar . " Probably . " He really didn 't want to leave the house . He wasn 't afraid of the vamps . They would be fools to try an assault on his home , but left unprotected , his family could be overrun by some thugs Raven hired to do his dirty work for him . The satyr put Simone to bed hours ago and Charles closed Azur up safely for the night . It was just the two of them left to worry if Saul was holdup somewhere or lying dead in a ditch . " Let me make you a cup of tea , " Brela offered . " I 'm going to make me another . Mine 's gone cold . " She jumped up from the table as Charles came to sit down . The water was already simmering at the back of the stove . She spooned out some lose tea into a teapot , added the water and brought it to the table . As an afterthought she turned back toward the cupboard and placed cookies on a plate . She sighed silently before she turned . These were Saul 's favorites . He had a sweet tooth and always loved her chocolate chip cookies . She hoped nothing had happened to him . He was clever , but he wasn 't as agile or strong as he was prior to the mauling . She put the plate on the table and before she sat , she leaned over to pour the tea for Charles . Her ears pricked when she heard the latch on the door lifted . " Saul ! " Charles jumped to his feet . Saul was overwhelmed by his greeting upon arriving home . Brela spilled tea and knocked over a chair to run to him and throw her arms around his waist . Charles ' look of relief made Saul feel guilt . He hadn 't meant to worry his friends so . He want * * * * * " I have to see them , " Azur repeated once again . She and Charles had been arguing about her insisting she had to see the sick vampires . In order to determine what she needed to adjust in the potion she had to see their symptoms . Charles was continuing his pacing downstairs . He didn 't even break stride . " I have told you , going in among the vamps is not an option . " " Then bring one of them here , " Azur suggested . " Not in my house . " Charles stopped and turned on his wife . " Isn 't my description enough ? " Azur stood with her arms crossed , fire licking higher on her horns . " Did you touch them ? Did they have a fever ? In addition to the open sours , did they have lumps or swollen glands ? " Charles shook his head . " No β¦ and I don 't know . " Azur walked up to him and placed a hand on his chest . His aura flared to protect him from her fire . " I need to see them or we will never put a stop to all this . " Charles let out a deep sigh of defeat . " We 'll go during the day so there will be less of them to deal with . " Charles trudged up to Raven 's mansion pushing the wheel barrel full of blood and the red eye potion . It was late afternoon , so there was no guard at the door . Charles used the large brass knocker with gusto . He was hot and tired and wanted to be done with this business . A female vampire answered the door . She kept well back in the shadows out of the overcast afternoon light spilling in the door . Charles had never seen this one before . " I 've come to see Raven , " he announced . " He is not accepting visitors at this time , " she sneered , making her rather charming face totally unattractive . The dungeon was dark except for the pools of light cast by the torches in the scones along the wall . There was a dreadful stench of rotting flesh . But it was the eerie , wailing sounds that careened out of the cells and bounced off the walls of the hall that pierced the soul of the Light - bearer . It was the agonizing cries from the undead and damned of this region of The Realms . " Here . " Raven motioned toward an open cell door . He was not about to let Charles leave without seeing what his new spouse had done to the vampire clan . Bouchard might be able to threaten him with the memory of Adele and what he lost , but he wouldn 't get away with making him feel guilty about killing Azur . She deserved it for the pain and suffering she had caused his people . He still wasn 't sure if he would spare her . Charles ' heart was full of doubt , and his head full of questions , when he returned to the house with the firewood . He unceremoniously dropped it in the box to the side of the hearth with a loud bang . " Charles , " Brela admonished , " you 'll wake Simone . " He turned a sheepish look toward the satyr , but it immediately left his face when he saw Azur standing next to her drying the dishes . He strode up to her , took the plate and cup towel from her hand and laid them on the counter . " We 're going to bed , " he said to anyone who was listening . He took her by the hand and practically dragged her to the trapdoor of the basement . He gestured downstairs . " After you . " He followed Azur down and grabbed the door to close it behind them . As his head was just about to disappear he looked to Saul . " Lock the door and don 't come down no matter what you hear . " Then he dropped the door down in place . Saul looked up at the sky . Even though it was still drizzling and dark anyway , he felt in his bones that it was close to dusk . " We need to go home . " Azur stood in the mud of the road . They had made four house - calls in the last three hours and found all the occupants ill . " What about the rest ? " " We 'll , have to see them tomorrow . I have to get you home . " Saul shifted from foot to foot . It was going to be a long walk home and he had to admit he was the one who would be slowing them down . His left hip had begun to ache since his stand against Howard during the full hour at their home . They had to start for home or they wouldn 't make it before dark . Dear Readers : Thank you so much for being patient with me last week . I am now set up with a new computer and as promised this post is twice as long to make up for lost time . I hope you enjoy the continuing story of " Threat of the Fire Demon . " " I 've come to meet your lovely wife , " Raven said . He had once more ambushed Charles outside his home - this time as he gathered wood for the stove . Raven was just so silent and with the vamp being so old , he could stand the light of dusk and be out before many of his clan were awake . " I have told you before , Raven , you are not welcome here . " Charles picked up another log and added it to the load in his arms . " Well , that is interesting because I don 't think I want her here . Your little Fire Demon bride . " My computer crashed on Thursday . I am stuck with just my iPad . So there will not be a post this week , but I promise to do a post of double length next week provided my new computer arrives in time . Until then I hope you all have a lovely week . Saul picked at his teeth with one long claw . " I swear between you two women you make the best meals in The Realms . I didn 't think I could eat anymore after all the bounty of the circus . " Charles noticed the outing had also improved Saul 's mood . He was smiling again . He 'd been a bit down the last few days . Brela leaned over the table to clear the plates . She swatted at Saul to stop him from picking . The cat looked properly chastised and put his paw back on the table . " I swear I never saw such huge tomatoes , " Sam exclaimed . " One is as big as a softball and it ain 't even ripe yet . Your new woman is a wizard . " Even though he wasn 't doing the work of filling the barrel he took off his hat and wiped his brow with his sleeve . Today was actually a warm August day for The Realms . " Don 't press , Charles . " She leaned back against him as he stood behind her enveloping her in his arms . They were admiring the garden and its bounty . It had never , ever grown as well . He turned her around . " I want to share with the neighbors . At the rate the plants grow they could all have enough to store up for the winter . " He put his hands on either side of her face and raised it up to look into his eyes . " It was a horrible winter last year , Azur . I don 't look forward to repeating it and because of you , we won 't , but I want to pass the bounty on to my neighbors . I want them to be safe and well fed too . " They put Simone to bed still clutching her fire opal . They came back to sit down around the table for another cup of tea and a biscuit . Saul was reclining on the couch where he was in much less pain then he had been since the mauling . Charles was pleased he caught several good sized trout earlier in the morning and Brela had worked her wonders with the last of the potatoes and dandelion greens she picked in the meadow . But it was a poor showing compared to the feasts Azur had set before them in her home . The biscuits with jam were a welcome addition and Azur , with her usual gusto , was putting them away one by one . She was telling them about her journey . It had been a long one and grueling at times . Her people seldom left their land , so mapped routes were not available . It was a matter of finding someone in each world to director her to the next gate . Spring finally arrived . The snow began to melt and soon there was sunshine and green grass sprouting up in the meadow . " There you go , " Charles said , as he helped Brela lower Saul onto the bench at the edge of the meadow behind the house . " A little sun will do you good . " Saul settled himself on the bench which Brela had padded with cushions from the couch inside . The cat was no longer comfortable sitting like a man . His hip ached constantly so he preferred to recline like his cat ancestors with most of his weight on his uninjured right side and belly . He sprawled across the bench . Brela hurried back inside and came out with a small table and set it within reach of Saul . Then she and Charles made another trip inside and brought back a blanket , a cup of tea and some biscuits . They fussed around Saul so much that eventually he hissed at them . He felt lousy afterward . They were just trying to help , but there wasn 't any help for it . He 'd been mauled by a bear . He was hopeful he would one day walk again , but never , ever upright . He would be looking at everyone 's waist for the rest of his life and it angered him no end . He 'd done a stupid thing charging after the bear without Charles close at hand for backup . It was his own damn fault and he didn 't want to impose on anyone because of his stupidity . Charles had a garden to prepare and plant . Brela needed to tend to Simone when she woke up from her nap . They both just needed to leave him alone to sulk on his own . It can 't be said that the rest of the winter passed without incident . A tree fell from the weight of the snow at the arrival of a later storm . It clipped the corner of the upstairs apartment where Brela lived in Charles ' house . They closed off the apartment and Brela had to move downstairs for a couple of weeks until Charles and Saul could make the needed repairs . Brela was capable of making a dishrag taste good , so she made the produce from the goblin delivery stretch further than any of them thought possible . However , in that sweet week in February when all the citizens of The Realms were teased by nature into thinking it was going to be an early spring , even the meat had run critically low . Charles and Saul decided to go for a day hunt . It was too much of a risk to stay out overnight . For the last couple of weeks they had heard the werewolves howling and Saul told Charles privately that he saw a vampire lurking at the edge of the woods . The natives were restless and they were the nasty sort you didn 't want to meet up with in the dark even if you were the last Light Bearer and a Baretii . Just because they had not heard of an incident between their kin and the vamps , it did not mean there wasn 't a chance if the later were hungry enough . As for the werewolves they would be willing to take down anything . They were just generally a nasty tempered bunch . Read more Β» Brela stood at the stove doctoring up her pot of beef broth with the last of her spices . By the end of the week she would be out of everything and hope of spring was still at least two months , maybe fourteen weeks away . Saul arrived a week ago with what he had left of his supplies and a toboggan loaded with firewood . He moved in thinking he could help the family with what little he had and go hunting more often with Charles . He took up residence on the couch in the front room and assigned himself the tending of the fire in the fireplace which kept the house warm . Brela found relief in the cat - man 's presence . Simone was just a child and a cooped up child was a bored and unhappy one . Saul was the child 's favorite playmate . He played with her so hard during this past afternoon that Simone was curled up against Saul 's furry belly on the rug in front of the fire fast asleep . Charles was napping on the couch . The cold outside and the continually piling up snow had made them all lazy . Read more Β» Charles found Brela at the dining room table the next morning . She tried to hide the jumper she was removing the ward - totem from before Charles could see . " It 's okay , Brela , " Charles said . Saul told him about the satyr 's misgivings . He walked to the kettle she kept boiling on the stove for tea . He dumped a spoon full of tea in the pot , poured in some water and grabbed a mug and the tiny sieve off the shelf . Brela pulled the jumper back from under the table into her lap and continued to remove the small stitches that held the totem in place . Charles came around and sat down across the table from her . " You would have liked her , Brela , " Charles said . Read more Β» Azur cried into Charles ' shoulder as she sat in his lap by the fire in her home . He cradled her and held her tight , trying to banish her heartbreak with his presence . He did not want to see her exiled from her family . That had never been his intention . " I am so sorry , " he murmured in her ear . " I never thought it would come to this . " She wiped at her face with the kitchen towel she brought with her when she collapsed in his lap . Lunch would not be edible by the time she got back to it . " I would bring Simone here if I could , " Charles said . Azur held her finger up to Charles lips to silence him . " We have talked about this . You know it is too much to subject a child to . I would not want her to hate me because I pulled her away from her home and friends . She considers Brela her mother and there is no guarantee the satyr would agree to move too . " Charles and Azur lay in each other 's arms on a blanket of ferns at the edge of the forest . Charles toyed with a strand of Azur 's silken hair , coiling her curly locks around his index finger . She snuggled in tighter to his side , her head on his chest . " I love you , Charles , " she whispered . She stroked the inside of his pant leg with the bottom of her barefoot . She couldn 't get close enough to him . Her soul was at peace when she was in his arms . No vengeful thoughts , no desire to go anywhere other than closer to him . Charles kissed the top of her head . " As I do you , my love . " Saul didn 't return for breakfast or lunch . He just couldn 't bring himself to sit watching Charles fawn over Azur . His head already hurt from both the anxiety of his friend 's actions and the lump he was still sporting from the collision with the wall . When he got hungry he grazed the back area of someone 's orchard , taking a couple of apples and some grapes he thought wouldn 't be missed . When that didn 't satisfy his hunger he went hunting in the forest and killed a rabbit type of animal he cleaned and cooked over a fire made from the flint starter in his pouch . As the afternoon dragged on , his mind toyed with a plan to kidnap Charles during the night , secret him to the gate , leaving the Land of the Fire Demons behind . Perhaps distance would cure his friend 's mood . But , he worried the bond would be so strong Azur might pursue them . Then the very thing they came here to stop would follow them home . The cat 's mind continued to run in circles like a mouse in a cage until by mid - afternoon he decided to wander back to Azur 's . Saul watched the two of them at lunch from under hooded eyes . They took every opportunity to touch one another . Azur came up behind Charles and laid her hand on his shoulder in order to place the dishes of food on the table . Each time Charles passed a plate to her , their fingers caressed each other 's . It was like they were magnetized . When Azur reluctantly left after lunch to tend to her garden , Charles asked Saul to help him to the bench at the side of the house . He sat with his gaze riveted on her . Azur located an appropriate branch to fashion a crutch and Saul sat down next to his friend . Using his dagger he carved the top into a more comfortable ' U . ' Azur took a break , wrapped and secured a cushion of material on the arm rest . Charles was now mobile . He hobbled around behind Azur until she ordered him to sit down and rest or she would send him back to bed . It was a long afternoon for Saul , worrying about his longtime friend 's unusual actions . Saul slowly worked his way through the village . Even though he must have been a creature few of these people had ever seen before , he was welcomed . If the human or demon ( he could not tell one from the other during these daylight hours ) was tending their garden , they stopped to chat . Many offered him something to eat from their bounty . As he wandered , silently looking for Azur 's two keepers within the community , he tried to envision what happened when Thaldrake arrived here . It must have been dark , or he couldn 't have survived . The sun was strong here during the day . If it was night he had to evade the roaming demons and find the homes of their unprotected , sleeping human companions . Azur 's home was at the far end of the village . Why had he passed up all the other human occupants in order to get to Azur 's family ? AUTHOR 's NOTE : ( Fun insight into how an author 's mind works . ) You will see I have added an element into this passage as though it were here all the time . Charles now has a journal . When ' free writing , ' as I do on the blog , I sometimes have ' after - thoughts ' of something I would have , or should have , written if I had it all to do over again . I wanted a journal and so added it . You will find , if you chose to backtrack , that I inserted it in the chapter where they first start off on their journey and again in the ' swamp ' chapter . This will be an element I will use to move the story forward or for reflection , as the case may be . Happy reading , Theresa For such a petite young lady , Charles and Saul were amazed at the amount of food Azur ate . They both assumed it was because she burnt off so much energy when she was in demon form . Charles insisted on joining them at the table for lunch even though Azur suggested he take it in bed on a tray . They filled their plates and bowls with a hearty stew , hunks of homemade bread with butter , and a salad made from every conceivable vegetable the pair knew , plus some odd things they had never seen before . There was a plate of cheeses and sausage , a plate of sweetbreads and cookies , a bowl of mixed fruit , and mugs of cider , ale or water . The pair had not eaten this well in years . The conversation was confined mostly to how the two travelers came to be in Azur 's land . " The swamp was the worst , " Saul declared in a disgusted tone . Saul told Charles everything . He detailed the attack by the beasts in the jungle and Thaldrake 's timely intervention . He told Charles about how Thaldrake was turned , about the dungeon no one knew existed below Raven 's mansion and the atrocities that took place there . He told Charles what Thaldrake said about Remy and his mind . Charles cursed under his breath at the injustice . And Saul told the man about Thaldrake 's intention to become a doctor . By the time he got to the night Thaldrake lanced Charles ' leg , Charles was shaking his head . " We can 't tell anyone where he is , " Charles said . " My thoughts exactly , in fact , I felt so strongly about it that I promised for both of us that we wouldn 't tell , " Saul confirmed . The cat handed Charles a slice of fruit he picked up in the jungle . The elf ate it and held out his hand for more . The cat saw that as a good sign . " What are you going to do about Azur , " Saul asked . " She was frantic to get at him last night when we arrived . " When Saul stepped through the gate , he had just enough time to register in his mind that everything was scorched to a black wasteland , before he was shoved to one side sending him and Charles sprawling to the ground . Saul sprang to all fours with a snarling growl of protest . What he saw made the growl choke in his throat . A fire demon was standing with her back to him frantically striking the boulder where they had just stepped through the gate . Each time her hand struck the stone , sparks flew . She was a petite little creature , only a little over five feet tall , but no less menacing looking . Her forked tail flicked in agitation from beneath a short leather skirt . On occasion it stuck out at the boulder as if on its own violent mission . The fiery tattoos which snaked their way up her legs and arms blazed and flared with each impact of the stone . She knew it was a gate and she wanted in , but the gates only ran one way β¦ lucky for Thaldrake . Saul slept soundly for the first time in three days . He knew the vampire was incapable of harming Charles and he had never heard of their kind attacking one of his kin . And to add to his sense of security , the vamp looked well fed . The game in the jungle must be easy pickings for a flying blood - sucker . When Saul woke up five hours later , he noted several changes . Thaldrake had obviously gone back to their makeshift camp and retrieved their packs along with their meager supplied . The pot he had been using to warm water for tea over the fire was hanging over the vamp 's with stream flowing off its surface . Charles ' injured leg was stripped of its bandages and in their place was a moist , hot rag lying over his wound - another piece of Charles ' ever shorting cloak . The vamp had applied a poultice , and by the looks of things - another rag in the pot - it appeared as though he had been doing it all night . The vamp stopped at a small pool and told Saul to wash the beast 's blood off so they were less likely to follow the scent of their own . While the cat quickly obliged , the vampire pulled a pair of gloves from his pocket and slipped them on . He started to pick Charles up . Saul came to his feet at the edge of the pool and growled menacingly . " We 'll never outrun them if you continue to carry him , " the vampire pointed out the obvious . " You can keep up with me if I take him . " He frowned at the cat - man . " If I had wanted you dead , I would have killed you the day you arrived . " Saul was frantic . It was not a state of mind the usually calm cat was accustomed to . When they came out in this jungle on the other side of the gate he immediately administered first aid to Charles . He cleansed the wound and used the supplies in Charles ' pack to stitch it . He cut more strips of material from the cloak to bandage it again . Then he tended to his own foot . His wound was not so deep and seemed to be healing , but his friend 's was infected and growing worse by the hour . They both expected to see people here or ' demon people ' at least , but none appeared . Over the last three days Saul had run in increasingly wider circles hunting for someone to help . He had not encountered anyone . Read more Β» Charles stood waist deep in the pool at the mouth of the cave . They made it to the mountain ridge by late afternoon . Remy 's map indicated this gate would take them to the Crystal Cave . In the cave they would find the last gate , the one that would deliver them into the Land of the Fire Demons . Only problem was , this gate was a pool of water and required the traveler to dunk their full body under the surface in order to pass through to the Crystal Cave . Saul was more than reluctant to go for a swim . Charles stepped back further in the pool . " Come on , " he said again . " It 's warm , and look at you , " he waved his hand at the cat , " you 're filthy . This will clean you up in no time . " |
The Death Diary ofTroy BurroghsExtract # 2Day Three and Four of Troy BurroghsDay ThreeBeing dead is going to take some getting used to . According to earth time this would be day three of my so called , death . I keep looking down on North America , I guess it 's still home to me for the moment anyway . A few hours ago , I caught a comet , the tail end of it and I noticed it was quite slow compared to my form of travel , that is , I think I was going as fast as 200 , 000 - thousand miles an hour , and it somehow zigzagged , and jumped off or out of its orbit and fell back into it somehow - kind of speaking - by an asteroid belt is where I was , I 'd estimate somewhere around twenty to fifty million miles from earth , who can say , surely not me for certain . I thus far , have learned something in this new development of mine , that being , traveling in space in what I call shape - traveling , for that is all I am , simple a shape with some kind of energy source to me , one could even call it residue , soul or whatever they wish , a part of another dimension with substance : I used the thrust of the comet , the velocity - I used it somehow , not quite knowing how , allowing it to push me , that is , more likened to throwing me - hurdling me I would guess , out into the empty part of space , the black airless cold space β¦ I actually felt something to my shape : I sensed something also , something like . the several world surrounding me produced other forms of life , ghosts maybe , demonic being trying to escape earth 's hell , other aliens looking down through their portholes , through layers of time and space and echoes , and so forth . I felt like a new born baby learning everything all over , I do think I have some source of natural feeling to my movements , should I want to use them , up to now its been more on the order of the elements in space moving me you might say . I , at this point cannot name it but I 'd like to kick it , to see if how much control I have here in this new environment . Nevertheless , what I was going to say , had on my mind to say , beforposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 1 : 54 PM The Tic Tac Toe ManFrom DubaiI once owned a hotel with a big lounge in it , I was kind of a stickling person , or stubborn about who came in my place back in those days , and things , little things annoyed me back then , trivial matters that is , a trying period of time in my life you could say . Having said that , one day a man come in that really got my goat , he was about six - foot three inches tall , perhaps 220 - pounds , with a balled head , said he was from Dubay , wherever that is . As I stared at the man , now sitting in my lounge chair , legs spread out on the carpet , as if he owned the place , I noticed a drawing on his head , right in the middle of it , it covered the whole top of his head , everywhere , and there in the lounge , everyone , several folks , could see it , if indeed they were looking his way , and once they looked his way , they stared like me , and never look any other way but at him . Anyhow , this fellow from Dubay annoyed me some , and if you can 't figure it out , I can 't figure you out ; because I believed at the time , he should annoy anyone if not everyone with his mannerisms and floppiest of behaviors , and so I still felt , yet I learned something from this fellow , perhaps not to judge , and to be wise enough to figure out what he may has up his sleeve . Now that this happening is history , I get thinking : what if I had just left this alone , you know , not let it bother me , just overlooked it , and said , hell with the trivial matters , let it go , he 'll go away , and so will my annoyance , and so will that snake up his sleeve . But you know , that was not me , things are not always so simple for me , I actually make things worse , harder on myself sometimes , a curse I suppose you might call it , so although I can say that now , then I couldn 't , and to be quite frank , the man from Dubay , was not all that bad , he just irritated me . And if that joker came back into my new life , the one I no I 'd hide from him , but of course that was some fifteen years ago . So here we are , I 'm looking at this deadbeat , and he is looking at m0 comments You ever been in a bad storm ? I have . Believe me , it is spooky . I 've never liked them . I have traveled the world over , and never have I meant never , have I seen a storm like this one , the one I 'm going to tell you about ; it happened in January , no February in St . Paul , Minnesota ; the coldest land next to the North Pole , and perhaps Alaska , Canada , and lets add the South Pole , and perhaps Iceland . But for me it is just part of traveling . You know , take life and live it , take it as it is , you 've heard that before I 'm sure . Make the best of it . If it snows , slide or sky . If it 's hot , swim or lay in the sun . If you got mountains next to you climb them . If you got a storm , ride it out . That 's my motto . Live and let live . Once in Maui , there was a storm . I was on vacation , and when I got there they shut the whole island down . That 's right , the whole damn place . I couldn 't get a coke , or for that matter , gumball . I walked along the shore though . I like the winds . I think the biggest adventure in Maui , was the storm . You can tell I didn 't care for Maui all that much , or the hotel I was at . They 're all acting like hot shots . Go to Malta , or some other island , they will treat you better I believe . I did get to see some whales ; thirty feet from me . But Maui is not my cup of tea . I guess you can 't love every place . In a way it was alright , the more I think of it . But you 'd have to pay my way to get me back there . Of the five - days there in December , 3 Β½ were days of winds and rain and , oh well , I 'm glad I did not go there for the sun . I hate the sun . But the people that thought they were going to get it , did not , it was a costly " no sun Β½ week . " But back to Minnesota , land of the ice cube , the ice donut , the ice parades , the snowball , and snowmen . I was in St . Paul . In an area called the Midway area of town . I have a few friends there . And a bank I used was work at , in that area . And a storm came . Like out of the blue . One minute it is a great cold day , and the next minute , it is a hell of a coldposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 10 : 18 PM Boxing Fan BurroughsI was going on a trip again to NYC , short for New York City ; I love it in New York ; especially Central Park ; the Museum is great also , and of course , the Empire State Building . Woops , what museum , the Metropolitan , that is my choice . Then I like to walk down the street , and there is the big sign : The Tonight Show , which I 've never been on , but at its location on all my trips ; but once my wife and I went down to see if we could get in , August 14 , 2001 . They were on a break of some kind . We met Rufered at the " Hello Deli " ; had one of his famous sandwiches . He often helps Mr . Dave Letterman with some pranks he puts on during his shows ; got a picture with him . I like them two the best . This would be my 4th trip to the great city by the Atlantic . I like Paris even better I hate to say . But New York is a good runner up . Time WarpI can never tell when it is going to happen , but it is becoming normal , all of a sudden I was there . I was in a hallway in New York City , looking at some pictures on the wall , and waiting . My brother was with me . A man came down , called Ed ; I guess I knew him from some place . I couldn 't quite place him , but I introduced my brother to him . My bother is a photographer of sorts , an Independent Contractor I would gather . He travels throughout the country , and many of his many pictures he took of me , he sold many to text books and magazines . He has his own vaults of pictures some place in Arizona ; maybe it is New Mexico , Haw β¦ ! Someplace out West . He has done some overseas traveling , but not much , or should I say , like me . Not sure if that needs to be said . But my mind is racing . I like being in New York City . I noticed as I was introducing my brother to Ed , the ex world champion of boxing , Fraaaaz β¦ , that is all I could read . I think it was Frazer , but I can 't say for sure . He had an office in the same building , upstairs on the second or third floor . I should go check it out I told myself , maybe it is Frazer . I had seen all his fights . I have all his fights on tape , thposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 10 : 16 PM Surrealist - Traveler ] The bad thing about being a counselor is that it is like chewing bubble gum , yup that is exactly what I do , and just like that you just keep on doing it . I suppose I could pick out a better analogy but I can 't think of one . But did you know I had a brother . Oh yaw , a big brother , and this adventure takes me back a few years . I got to tell you about it . Why ? Well , for my friends out there , if I have any ; got to get it off my chest . It was l969 , my brother just got a divorce and had a number of girlfriends , and so I got to see a few . Well he was thinking about going back with his wife during this period of time . Well , I stopped over to his house , and there were a few people over their talking to him , and his maid , yup , he had a maid of all things . A hot shot you could say . And so β¦ woops , his name is Mick . Now back on track . As I was saying , I stopped over to his house and we β¦ woops , he had a beer , and I a coke [ I was on the wagon ] . As I was about to say , his friends were walking around aimlessly waiting for him . I guess he was going over to his youngest daughter 's house to see her , some kind of an ' after - wedding shower , ' of sorts ; she had gotten married two years before . Samah , his maid started looking in the mirror powdering her face . Mick grabbed the mirror from her and made stupid looking faces in it , mocking her . I said to myself , is this brother doing such a thing . I knew we were a little strange , but not goofy like this : I mean he kind of reflects me , if not so , than our heritage , somewhere along the line . Fine , to make a long story short , or a short story shorter , I guess that is the real truth of it , I asked Mick , " What are you doing ? " " I have a contract with her she wants me to pay her off , " he commented . Fine , I kind of knew what it meant , let me explain : He was going back to his ex - wife , and no longer needed her services , and for the most part could not afford them . And living in Montclair , California was a little expensive back then . I looked at Samah , and she was cryingposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 10 : 14 PM Life never is a piece of cake for me , oh no , it has always had its ups and downs . I know , for I 've had my share . I was driving the other day to the movie theater ; it was in the State of Minnesota , in the middle of its most deadly winter , snow up to your elbows , and so I parked the car , went into see the movie , got all the stress of the day out of me ; that is why I usually go to the movies , half the time anyhow , I don 't even watch the movie , unless it 's a real good one . In any case , I ate my popcorn , and my diet pop , and I was in the valley of happiness . My stress level was . 00001 , way down brother . Well , to make a short story shorter , I came out of the movie house , and found a ticket on my car . I looked around for the police and they were long gone , went home for breakfast I suppose , it was late . I was not a happy camper , I was angry . I almost went back into the show house to get rid of this new stress , but I didn 't . I made ten - snow balls and threw each one at the sign that said , " No Parking , Handicap . " Then I thought , boy this is either a $ 200 , or $ 500 dollar fine . Things were not looking good . And so I threw more snowballs at the sign . Then I noticed I had covered the sign up with snow , it was sticking on the sign . I got a bright idea : I threw some more snowballs at the sign : and more and more snow balls at the sign . Then I took a picture of my car and the sign . Knowing I had this damn ticket . Well , the next day I went down to the courthouse , asked for the " Interceder 's ' office for city transportation violations ( the referee ) , to talk to him about the ticket that is , and showed him the sign was not clear , that snow was on it and thus , how could I read it , and therefore was not responsible for parking where a snow - covered sign said : ' no parking , handicap ' . He looked at me , and looked at me . Then he kept looking at the sign . It was a $ 300 fine , I now found out . He said , " Well , Mr . Burroghs it would seem you and the officer are a little both wrong . I 'll cut the fine to $ 100 - dollars ! " Then heposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 10 : 13 PM ( December l969 ) I was going on leave , from Army Basic Training ; it was Christmas time , and I stopped in Chicago , a short stay , and only but a few hours . I pulled the string of the bus and he let me off . I was thinking this was my stop , seeing a sign that said Greyhound , but when I got to it closer that is , the station was abandoned , and the sign indicated where the new station was . I had taken a plane to this mighty and windy city , and I wasn 't all that far from my hometown , to be quite honest . I look around for a cab , no luck . For another bus , no luck , and then I saw a Spanish dud coming . He came to about four feet in front of my nose . I looked about , and there were three others , all standing in a funny diamond shaped geographical design . On corners , and within running distanced , as if they were covering the four corners of the world . I knew I was being set up to be robbed : and I felt it was act now , or never . He clicked his finger in my face with the " West Side Story Look , " on it . I saw as I was about to open the door of the little barber shop next to me , a lady , and when she saw the sit - up , she shut the inside door , and locked it . She was cutting another woman 's hair , and another customer woman was waiting . I went to see if the door locked completely , because I heard the latch possibly miss , as she walked away . I think she was hoping I didn 't notice it , but she didn 't turn around anyways . I did open the door , and I went in . " Can you call me a cab Miss ; it 's getting a little dangerous out there . " " No , " she replied . I looked about . Everyone was just doing their thing . No eye contact . I looked out the window . There was that dim short looking Mexican , with his pals nearby . I turned away from the window and looked at her again . She did catch my eyes this time , but did not say a word . So I sat down . It was 3 : 45 PM . She would be closing I thought soon , and she 'd have to let me use the phone . I kept looking out the window , for about twenty - minutes . I never saw a cab . No buses . Then I thought I seen a posted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 10 : 11 PM I was in a little town I call , " Somewhere in North Dakota , " outing with a few friends . I guess they were supposed to have been friends , they were supposed to be - but ! I took a picture of Johnny and Johnny . I asked them to take a picture of me , but they wouldn 't , I 'm not sure why and I left it at that for the moment - a forever moment . I guess it didn 't matter all that much , I noticed I didn 't have any film in the camera anyhow , so all the better , and I got to see what they were made from , or out of . Then I noticed a store nearby , saw the roof of it to be frank , over the trees somewhat , and as I walked towards it , I discovered I was walking the wrong way ; in any case , a black man came walking by me wanted to help me , and I said : " No need to , " not sure why those exact words came out , but they did . Perhaps I was mad because Johnny and Johnny didn 't take my picture with my camera that didn 't have any film ; perchance a delayed reaction , a little Post Traumatic Stress , I hear so much about that nowadays . He asked for a Chesterfield cigarette , and some candy : yes , yes , we 're still on the black man , he now wants a certain cigarette brand and candy ; as if I 'm the store I was headed for before I went the wrong way . He was on his way to his mother 's house he said , and asked if I wanted to go with him . I got moving , in motion as he was talking , I thought maybe he wanted my Dobbs hat , but now that I think about it maybe it was my wife he wanted . She wasn 't with me though . Who knows what people want , you can 't read their minds . I once asked a black man : " β¦ why do you date white women ? " I mean there are a lot of black pretty women out there , I 've dated a few . And he said , " They 're easier β¦ ! " I was in shock , I didn 't ask : easier than what , because I was still trying to figure out if I was going to get into a cockfight or not over this . Anyhow he didn 't have blood in his face when he said it , it was just down to earth honest to gosh truth . So I left it at that . At this point , I decided toposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 10 : 09 PM Surrealist - TravelerAt the Doctors Office " What 's the difference between a crazy man who kills you and one who is not crazy ( ? ) I would think they both are crazy , or both are not . Isn 't killing without motive , simply against our values ? " said Troy to his Psychologist . The good doctor looked at Troy , smiled , and laughed a little , " You been watching them courtroom battles haven 't you ? " Troy smiled . " Well , it 's simply documentation , " commented the good Doctor . " Do I have good documentation , " replied Troy . " I think you are thinking about suicide my good friend , " commented the doctor , adding " β¦ please tell me about your week . You know what you got to do so get it out , off those rounded shoulders of yours , so you can let go , go forward in life , smell the roses again . My job son is to bring you back , back , back to being a healthy person . " " Say Doc , " asked Troy , " I wish I had more friends to talk to , and then I wouldn 't have to see you . Spend all this money so someone will listen to me . Do you believe doctors are simply good listeners ? " " Troy , get back into telling me about your week , you are avoiding the real issues . I will feed you back your distortions , generalizations , your incomplete white lies so you can look at the real issues , " said the doctor with a slight slant towards irritation . " Maybe all I need is a good listener ; do you know where I can find one ? Maybe I do not need an interpreter , I 'm not a Picasso you know , " replied Troy . " Oh , that is quite a good analogy my friend , quite good , quite good , but you are avoiding again , yes indeed , avoiding the real issue ! " exclaimed the doctor . " Well doc , if you must know , I have been a little mixed up lately ; things have been somewhat confusing this week for me . First , I went running around trying to find a camera , a Browne camera ; like my mother first bought me in the l950 's . I know my childhood is coming up . But you know , you know I like taking pictures , it relaxes me . My next stop was Tuesday , that last one was Monday ( posted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . 10 : 05 PM I 've learned in life you got to have an eye like an eagle and senses like a panther to survive . Oh yes , it 's that kind of a world my friend . Survival is the name of the game . People like me need to be one step ahead of the other person . Got to have the edge you know . Life teaches you the hard way if you don 't listen at first , you may lose your edge . I know this for a fact , because I came from a school down in Missouri , if you get my drift . In my life I was in the Army three different times . Just like Muhammad Ali winning the championship three times . You can do it , it 's a simply fact , mind over matter . And this is where my story starts , the third time I was in the Army . This is what I call a happening . I went for training up to Camp Ripley . I got a private room being a staff sergeant . During this two - week training period , I ended up going to a few military meetings ; doing some paperwork , and some drills . Being a Staff Sergeant , I got to have a private room . It was on the third floor of the barracks . One of the two brothers I had met during some of the weeks training , noticed I had $ 300 on my money clip , these two brothers had a room under me on the first floor along with two other dudes ; and as I carried my groceries up to my room they watched me intensively . They had evil eyes : evil , evil eyes . I had to go up three flights of stairs . The older brother came to my rescue , said he would help me , me being a little short winded , I said sure . But you get them senses you know , I did anyways , and I should have said no , especially with them evil , evil eyes I had noticed . But that is history now . I said , " Yes . " And so he grabbed one bag of groceries and climbed up the stairs like a bird : he didn 't smoke I suppose . When I finally reached the top , walked through the door , I noticed my groceries were all over the floor , some lying about on the table , but all were out of the bag , and the bag wasn 't ripped . I then put my bag down and started to pick them up thinking the young lad must have fallen or something . Theposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 10 : 01 PM This is not a story about farting by far , no sir - ree , it is a story about almost farting and dying . I was a drunk for twenty - two years , and I had some fart problems when I stopped drinking . Now if you 've drank before , and I personnel know 70 % those in the US do drink , and while in Germany , 98 . 6 % of them drink . And while in Iceland , 99 % of them drink and while in Alaska , the Arctic region , and I flew with a mail carrier delivering mail ( yaw mail up my tuba β¦ ( ? ) ) just in case my wife is reading this ; she likes Troy , and I may have it out yet ) ) , he sold whiskey when I wasn 't looking . Anyways , I 'm not here to get him in trouble , but in the deep artic 99 . 6 % drink . They wanted me to stay and work for them in the arctic , back in ' 96 , because they were going to open up the area for legal drinking β¦ yaw you get the picture , legal , legal , legal β¦ rehab β¦ rehab β¦ lots of farting is going to start . Now you may think this a bit to the left my friend , you know , Mr . Burroghs is not telling his audience the full truth of the matter , baby you are getting it full steam β¦ the bare truth of the matter . I 'm a 100 % man , all the way , traveled the world 24 - time around . Oh yes , 2 and and 4 β¦ got it . Yes , yes and and yes , and for 22 - years of traveling , them planes got stinky β¦ farting all the way ; if you drink , you fart : that is the gospel truth ; don 't try to tell me otherwise , I 've been down the tail too many times . No questions asked . That is the mighty truth . You can bank on it β¦ that is right and as good as gold . Now , as I was saying , I was a counselor , and sitting out on this nice sunny day in July , sitting out in Wisconsin having a group therapy session , about nine people involved . And here was this guy and his wife . The wife came down to be with him on this occasion , not sure why but I let her join the group , after asking the group permission , you know , because they 're going to reveal some stupid private information - us ex - drunks think no one in the world knows a damn thing about our behavior , when it 's plastered posted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 9 : 57 PM I was watching TV a few days ago and it just come to my mind , one of them flashbacks you hear about I suppose - you know , PTS : those Post Traumatic Stress flashes . Anyways , the guy was talking on TV , calm like , mildly well dressed in his early ' 30s style attire , representing an insurance company . Maybe he knows about my flash backs , I thought , maybe he has flashbacks , he 's selling insurance , so perhaps this has something to do with it . I was now wondering about my flash - back potential a while ago , and this trigger it again , it gave me the willies . Well , he was standing in this apartment you see , and said on the TV screen , " Water , yes it can save you when you are hungry . " ( Get to the damn point , my subconscious was trying to penetrate through the smoke screen in my mind . ) Then he just looked straight at me and said , " No kidding . " Can you believe that ? Then he goes on to say , " Just drink water , it will file you up until your insurance money comes to you . " Then this creep adds , " We pay a few days early , " not sure where he is going with this , but I hope you don 't have to drink water that long to collect . Now he says , " Don 't go away , I got more . " This jellyfish is giving me flashbacks . Now he is walking outside of the apartment to a front lawn . What is this guy up to , and was he really talking to me , I mean - really ? He picks up a water hose with one of the adjustable spouts , turns it up , " Fuel up , " he says , with excitement . Boy , this fish is way out of water I tell myself . Now I don 't know if he 's selling water or insurance , maybe the hose . You ever see those commercials it takes forever to tell what is being sold , well , this was one . That was it , I had to turn the TV off and go talk to my wife . This guy made no sense , plus he irritated me ; I had to take calm down pill . He could have told me to make ice cubes , and it would have make more sense than ' now you can fuel up , ' something like that , that would have been better than a hose being shoved in my face in front of my TV . The ice cube waposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 9 : 55 PM The Omaha Spy - 1967I know - , Omaha isn 't the biggest city in the world but I liked it ( until they through me out , kind of ) ; and yes I was really there . I especially liked its museum with all the Indian artifacts , and a girl named Piggy , yaw : let 's get to the story . I was a young man back then , just turned 19 - 1 / 2 years old . I was working for Military Intelligence , which worked with the FBI , whom didn 't want to work with the local police . One afternoon in fall season , some of my friends , black friends that is , were taking me to a party and a car pulled up , full of black folks . This wasn 't the best moment in my life , I got a little scared . I was the only white person in the immediate vicinity . They exchanged a few negative words , and went on their way . But I noticed a woman in the other car , they called her Piggy , she was the second white person , now that I think of it ; long blond hair , thin , big breasted , about five foot five inches tall . Long legs my friend , very long legs . As I was saying they took off , and George told me he had to let me off , right there , in the middle of nowhere land . And so I got out of the car , and he raced off . I found myself walking for miles , and miles , and then I found myself by a row of old looking houses . And there was Piggy getting into her small MG Sports car . She smiled at me and waved , " Hi Troy ! " she knew my name , but how I don 't know , but she went on to say , " everyone talks about you Troy , the only white man in an all black car . You live dangerously . " Not sure if that was a question or a statement , or a statement - question , but now that I look back at it , well , I 'd have to say , back then , in l967 , it was a show of strength to do such daring deeds as that , and so I played it down and asked : " How about a ride home , Piggy ? " She told me to jump in the car and that was that , I did jump into her car and we took off . We got talking about what she knew about me and what about herself . She mentioned she knew I had some property in the area and was successful in the realposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 9 : 53 PM The Troy Burroghs Adventures [ Impressionist - Traveler ] The ThiefYou just never know what is around the corner on this planet do yah . I was somewhere in Boston I think , I think I was a little out of it , you know , drunk and found myself in another town , place , kind of like a Giant Black - Out , anyways here I am at the mission , and I got to eat , got some sleeping gear here also , I put it over in the corner for the moment , found myself in an earthquake looking at someone from across the table , the building 's shaking . A thought went through my mind : go outside , and so I did , I found a money clip with some money in it , my hands a little nervous , I quietly put it in my pocket , a black guy saw me do it . I checked out my pocket again yaw it 's there . I had two sets of keys , where did I get them I ask myself . I don 't have a car to drive . This is weird . I then gave the black guy one of the two money clips I found in my pocket . Yup , I had two of each , money clips and sets of keys : weird things happen in my life I 'll tell you . I must have found them somewhere ( I 'm talking to myself I think ) . I remember the one money clip , I kind of stole it , back in the old days , in my old neighborhood , back in the early or mid 60s we called it scarfed it : there 's no such word but I didn 't know that back then , I mean it 's not in the dictionary - the ' ed ' part of it anyhow ; let 's see now , where was I ( ? ) : you know , I found it , them in my pocket . As I was about to say , I gave one of the money clips with some money in it to the black guy . He looked desperate , like me I suppose . You know , we get our good and bad days ; this is a bad one . I now took out one set of keys and threw them into the street , as I stood along side of this building . Now I heard a cop 's voice say : " Who threw those keys , they belong β¦ " that is all I could hear . The black guy looked at me , threw the money clip on the ground with $ 5 . 00 in it , and hi - tailed it out the back way up a hill . I figured dandy , I 'm standing here and he scoots to who know where . I stposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 9 : 49 PM I was walking through Herald 's in London it was Thanksgiving Day in the US of A , - 2001 . As I was getting onto an escalator I met a young Spanish woman . I said Hola ; she smiled and returned my greeting . She was Peruvian I think , like my wife , it must be I told myself , very lovely . We walked a little together , or at least it seemed we were together . I told her she had deep dark eyes . I 'm kind of glad my wife wasn 't there because Peruvian women can get real jealous , even though my gesture was harmless , sometimes Peruvian women do not see it that way , they see it quite the opposite , harmful ; yet my wife seems to understand my complements to others quite well , - most of the time β¦ . I said to her : you have deep beautiful eyes - she smiled evermore , she lost her breathe for a moment , and then got it back . ' I 'm happily married β¦ . ' I added . She looked a bit puzzled , but smiled anyways . Anyhow , here we are on this escalator again , and a girlfriend of hers shows up , says : ' Here 's a gift from a young admirer , ' it was a plastic ship . I took it out of her hands and in the process of taking it and examining it , the top of the smokestack fell off , broke . I commented , ' It reminds me of the Taj Ma Hal , ' she looked at me with excitement . Then we walked a ways . As we passed a jewelry stand , I made a 180 - degree turn back , bringing her with me , and picked out a gold chain with a boat , figurine attached to it , sold gold . I bought it for her $ 139 . 68 , put it around her neck and said it was a gift . She looked stunned , speechless . As we walked a little farther , I stopped , put my hands on her face , by her ears and told her to look at me in my eyes , as if she wasn 't doing it already , for she was I think . Then I said , ' Listen , my deep eyed beauty , you got to go into the Deep Blue Sea that is where you will find him . ' I then put my hands down and walked away taking the plastic ship with a sticker tag that read $ 4 . 28 , and tossed it in the garbage can . I know she seen me do that , even though I do not have eyes in the backposted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 9 : 46 PM The Troy Burroghs Adventures [ Impressionist - Traveler ] Episode : # 24The Bridge of Latin VilleAs I sat along side of the bridge I noticed many people wanting to see the bridge , this cool Thursday afternoon . I sat looking over its edge pretending not to notice , or trying not to be too noticed , although I was the only gringo in town until 10 PM or so . I was quite impressed with how many people I counted , maybe 200 , which is not bad out of a town of 400 . This was a nice bridge ; I called it the ' Good Bridge . " Actually I was an undercover city employee , hired to do a job by the Mexican government . I knew a little Spanish , like Hola , and adios amigo , y amiga , you know those big words . Also how to get food if I was hungry , I can 't think of it at the moment how to say it , but when I get hungry I 'll figure it out I suppose ; when I get hungry , I 'll come back to the paragraph and insert it , in this diary note . As I was saying , or about to say , there were about 200 - people that walked across the bridge this Thursday ( I just remembered Tengo hombre ) , well they hired me because I was bilingual , plus I had two degrees ; that kind of stuff . Then I left this bridge and walked to a more notorious area a different bridge : to a bridge called " Unpleasant Bridge " a groovy name , it fits though ; out by the nasty marshes , I got out of my Super Jet VW , turned on my music loud : if the blacks can do it back home , I can do it here ( so I told myself , plus β¦ ) , so can the gringo , so I thought , plus , the Mexicanos do also , so I was in like Flynn ( so , so , so so β¦ ) ; so here was me playing cool as I walked toward this hum - drum of a bridge , dilapidated . When I got there I had noticed more rats and crap under the bridge than people , no one was walking across it willingly ; but I did notice three small groups : one , people smoking pot and shooting up ( under the bridge , and laying down where the creek was , laying in the mud , they had fallen and was too drugged to get back up ) ; two , a blissful drunk with wine bottles in his hands ( and he buddies ) ; posted by Dennis Siluk Ed . d . @ 9 : 45 PM |
Now I know it has been a little silent for a little bit . I am currently typing up the latest update ( been hand writing them ) . But I thought it would be fun to put up another teaser ! I hope you all enjoy it We had been found out . Which really meant we had to get a move on , and get this done . I looked at my group , and we stood still as could be . Just knowing the smallest sniffle could alert them , and we would be doomed . Still standing there we heard footsteps come closer , and closer to our closet . Then past and to the room next door . I could hear the Savior ranting down the opposite hallway . I had to breathe a sigh of relief knowing I won 't have to be face to face with him . I guess the idea of fear was reemerging inside of me , I mean as mad as I was , and as much hatred as I had for the man β¦ he was also the holder of a small army . While he was a crazy guy , could I really beat that ? Would I want to try ? Or would I be better off just escaping and just taking to the hills ? I guess we would all be finding that out sooner or later to be honest . Closing my eyes for a moment I said in a whisper When I reopened them , I saw P still holding the semi automatic whatever gun , T kneeling down holding the the bleach , while I still had my hand firmly holding the ammonia . Regardless of what was happening this was our only real shot . P looked really nervous , and K seemed as impassive as ever . " Before we do this . One more backup plan . " I said reaching into my pocket . I pulled out my lighter . I guess they hadn 't remembered to take it . " What do you need now ? " K said almost seeming annoyed " He will be put in his own personal pit . " I said smiling 3 sets of eyes seemed to be glued to me after I said it . I knew this was going well beyond what I had originally thought , but I could justify the idea with my original statement of sending him to hell . Most images of hell do involve some sort of fire pit , so I am sure these ideas matched up just fine . " Roasted . " T said " Toasted , " K added " And burnt to a crisp . " I ended it with " Guys β¦ You watched way to many cartoons as a kid . " P retorted " We lived ' em . " T responded I took one more quick glance at the shelves . I had no reason to believe it , but we still lived in the era of smokers . Maybe some lighter fluid would be around here . To my luck ( still having some luck during the era of zombies eating our flesh is better then none ) I saw the yellow bottle . I quickly shoved it in my pocket . " I got what I need . " I told them T nodded and K just had her small smile . P still was looking nervous . I looked at him and tried to smile . " P , I know this isn 't ideal , and I am pretty damn sure this is different than the army . But , we are kinda in guerrilla warfare situation . " I said to him shrugging " I know . This is just different . " he said while almost clutching the gun . " We will go down together , though . " T said smacking him on the back " Or die trying . " K said finally letting a real smile cross her face " So get ready , P . You will be the one watching our back . " He nodded , and I looked at K " You stay2 β¦ We began the pour the 2 liquids in , and I tried to hold my breath ; knowing how dangerous this really was to try and do . Please let this go well , and please let me know what I am doing . I turned my head briefly and saw both K and P . K was watching us , and P had his back to us , watching the hallway and making sure we wouldn 't get ambushed . My eyes began to tear up and as my bottle finished . Dropping it , I looked over to T who finished as well . " Good . Lets get the fuck out of here . " I said trying not to cough We caught up to K and P . β¨ " Well if that is as bad as it looks we gotta go fast . " P said " Not before getting our shit back . " T added " Get behind me then . " He said getting ready We got behind P , letting him take the lead . It honestly felt like we had entered the world of Doom . Long hallways , getting ready to face a demon . It would be very interesting . Looking quickly behind us , I could see a haze slowly filling up our previous hallway . I am sure this would take the former guards , and future corpses by surprise . I just hope we didn 't breathe any of it in . I was jolted back to reality when I heard P fire . Looking quickly I saw one of the roid - raged out freaks drop quickly . It wasn 't as loud , and he seemed to be dead before hitting the ground . Lucky for him . K went up to him and took his firearm away . She checked to see if it was loaded and smiled . " Got what you need ? " P asked " Oh yeah . " smiling as she said it " I get dibs on the next one . " T itched for a chance " Fine by me . " I said We continued down , and turned . Soon we approached the office of the Savior . We were so close . Outside stood two muscle bound dumpsters just waiting for a chance . I was wondering what we should do when P signaled for T . " You are the fastest . " He said matter of frankly " Yeah ? " He said back " Run past them and when they turn , we shoot . B , you run to the office after . " He added " Sounds good to me . " Our plan had began to form . This seemed like a very wor " I see you escaped . " He went reaching for something As he reached K showed up by my side with her gun aimed at him . " Don 't even try it . " she ordered His movements stopped quick . I walked over to him as K , P and T all entered after . I pushed his chair out of our way , and they all had their guns focused on him , and him alone . I saw what he was reaching for . It was another semi automatic , which I grabbed and focused on him as well . " Where is our stuff ? " I asked He pointed at the corner of the room , where our backpacks were piled up and left alone . " Everything there ? " K asked He nodded . It seemed for a man so sure he was the savior seemed very nervous . I went to his desk and opened the drawers . Seeing some nails and a hammer , I walked over to him . He eyed them as I approached . " Son , what do you think you are doing ? " he had a slight quiver to his voice " As a Savior to humanity I would think you 'd know . " I held a nail to his hand . I saw some sweat start to form on his head . " The greatest saviors seem to be willing to die . Are you willing ? " I asked , not knowing where these words seemed to come from He didn 't want to answer . His eyes focused on the nail . I grinned at him " You seemed so willing to let others die , though . So that doesn 't seem like a thing a savior would do to his people . " I walked behind him " The needs of the many outnumber the few . " he retorted " How many died for your pits ? How many victims of nothing but your insanity ? " P asked " We haven 't kept records but a good 35 percent of this town has been saved BY ME ! " He yelled " How many died because of you ! ? Its only been a few days ! " K screamed back at him . I hushed them all while grabbing his shoulders . He seemed afraid to move . " Well , Savior you have been found guilty , and time to meet your maker . " I blurted P and T both grabbed his arms , holding him down while I pulled out the lighter fluid . " This seems to be how your victims felt , right ? " I asked " The pit is a ceremony to preserve the good ! " He yelled I opened it , and started to pour it on him . " You know , this will only make me a legend . People will sing songs about their great savior , and how we fell victim to the demons and their whore ! " he continued to rant I pulled out my lighter and was read to flick it . My hand began to shake . " Afraid to do the job ? Just like the typical yellow bellied scum ! " he laughed and jerked My eyes had become glued to the lighter , knowing exactly what I wanted to do . Send the man to hell , and hope the flames send him to his path . I looked over to K . She went to her bag , and pulled out her handgun from before and checked to make sure it was loaded . " The demon whore should know . You will all meet your maker , and he will let you all see my path was right , and I will be left forever in his arms ! " He looked up towards the heavens K began to walk towards him , handgun in her hand . The Saviors eyes soon met hers . " Tell the devil his whore says Hi . " she said His eyes widened and she fired . He slumped to the ground quickly . T , P and I 's mouth all dropped . " Wow . " was all I could stutter out . K turned her back towards his body and looked at me . " I knew you were to good to kill him . " she smiled at me I had to smile back . " I guess so . " i responded " Lets get our shit , and get out of here " P interrupted We ran towards the corner to grab our bags , and quickly looked through them . Our ammo was still there , the cigarettes , the handguns , our food , our shotguns had gone MIA , though . But , what we stole from the guards seemed to balance it out . I checked out his desk quickly to see if he had any ammo for them . We found some and took it for our own . Taking one last look at the " Savior " , as I saw his blood painting the wall . We slowly opened up his office door , so we could make our way to the front . Looking around , I could tell our gas had done the trick . No need to worry about the rest of the guards for now . I couldn 't help but think just a few days ago I was at home watching a George Romero movie laughing . Now , I was worried about the dead and the living . I wonder what else was going to stand in our way . Well we are still working on everything but I did get some news on our comment feed and I felt the need to thank them . A while back I posted about how we had been listed on a site for zombie fiction . Earlier this week I found out that the list was plagiarized by another authors who 's list can be found below I want to thank the author Shanna Redwind for letting me know and for including us on the list . It really does mean a lot . Tags : # webfic , # webfiction , Art , awesomeness , Blog Fiction , blovel , efiction , Fiction , Fun , left 4 dead , novel , surprise , webfiction ( webfic ) , weblit , webserial , Zombie , zombie attack , Zombies Today as promised here is a little present from the Before The Dead crew ! We will have a chapter update within the next few days and some more videos in the future . Keep posted ! Tags : # webfic , # webfiction , Art , awesomeness , Blog Fiction , blovel , efiction , Fiction , Fun , left 4 dead , novel , surprise , teaser , trailer , Video , webfiction ( webfic ) , weblit , webserial , Zombie , zombie attack , Zombies Long time no post we know but we wanted to thank all of our readers for their continued support as well as to wish all of our American readers a Happy Thanksgiving ! By tomorrow a special surprise will be posted on our page for all of you ! Tags : # webfic , # webfiction , Art , awesomeness , Blog Fiction , blovel , efiction , Fiction , Fun , left 4 dead , novel , surprise , webfiction ( webfic ) , weblit , webserial , Zombie , Zombies She was lying on the grass . She had been there for several hours that she knew of but none of that seemed to matter . All that did was the pure and unadulterated fear that was pounding throughout her body . She barely knew what she had been through but all that mattered was it was over . " What 's wrong with daddy ? " He was in town and someone bit him on the arm . He has been lying in bed ever since . I have called the doctor and he is on his way over . " Who would bite middle aged man ? That was defiantly not normal behavior by any sense of the word . S knew that many diseases would spread by a human biting one another . " Dad must be crazy to react like that . He acts the same way when he has a cold , " she told her mom His eye ? She decided to go upstairs and see her father . As she climbed that stairs the idea popped into her head of all those bad corny horror movies she watched as a teenager . She laughed off the possibilities of Jason attacking from around the corner and walked into his bedroom . This was not the father she had known her entire 23 years of life . He was always a superman to her and now he was lying in the bed . She could see soars developing all over his arms and face . Each breath seemed to be a massive struggle . Then he looked at her with a sad grin on his face and she saw the eyes her mom was speaking of . His eyes had begun to glass over . She ran down the stairs to tell her mother and her mother wept into her body . All S could do was hold her and tell her everything would be okay and that he was in a better place . A place with his father and mother and brothers . She picked up the phone to call the doctors office . That was odd she thought as he hung up the phone . Her mom had gone upstairs to say her last goodbye to the husband she adored . S has sat on a chair and turned on the news . She wondered what the doctor had been speaking of . " Today there has been a rush of people being bit . As first most authorities had thought it was nothing until it seemed the corpses had begun to reanimate . The Government is implores us to stay away from any bodies we may see and stay indoors . More will be told as we learn . " S turned to run up the stairs when she had already heard her mother scream a scream that would have been envied by any metal band in the world . She rushed up the stairs to see the father she had though of as superman feast upon her mother . Slow twitches from her mom 's corpse seemed to be all the news she needed to know she was beyond help . His head suddenly shot up at the sight of what was once his daughter . " Please stay away from any corpse or any person who may have come into contact with one . This disease is highly contagious and one bite could turn you . If needed a gunshot to the head can kill these creatures . The government will be doing a official statement tonight " A gunshot ? This will be extremely difficult that was her mom and dad . Then devils advocate came into her head . It was her or them , they are no longer her parents . They are creatures threating her life . She went to the gun cabinet and remembered what her father had taught her . She walked towards the door and opened it quickly and when what was formally her father charged she shot one bullet right threw the center of his forehead as dropped to the ground . She walked up the stairs and saw the twitching body of her mother . She wiped her eyes as she saw the blood stained sheets . This is the most horrid experience of any person 's life . Killing her parents was an unthinkable act . The blast in her mothers head was right on the mark and the twitching had stopped . She left the house and fell onto the grass several feet away and began to weep . How could this have happen ? She may never know that answer . We called them Snakes . At first , they approach you with a friendly smile , and greet you . Offer to trade , to where β¦ they would always get the better of the deal . It was like β¦ trading your only gun for a fucking pencil . But β¦ we would politely decline , wish them a good day and be on our way . Until they surrounded us , and pointed any sort of weapon that they had at us , demanding that we now GIVE them what they wanted . Which was everything we had , except for the clothes on our back . I came upon a small cottage and knocked on the door to see if anyone was home . Even if this was an apocalypse ; my mother did teach me respect . I wasn 't about to just barge into someone 's house . I wasn 't a snake . In the kitchen , i came upon a small oil lantern . There wasn 't much fuel in it , but i thought it might at least keep a room lit through the night . Next to the lantern was a box of those long matches . only 4 lay inside . I would take them with me , of course . T , my best friend , and i never had much luck when it came to starting fires . We would get a small spark , or some smoke and it would fade away . Once , we did start a small fire . Just as we were about to place it upon the wood pile , a gust of wind picked up β¦ blowing it out , and the pile of sticks far away from us . We huddled up together and slept under a pile of leaves that night . We Still froze our asses off . I walked around the house and found a small room with a bed , and an easy chair inside . I set my backpack down on the bed , and the lantern and matches on a small table next to the bed . I walked back into the kitchen and began to open cabinets , the fridge , drawers . Anywhere where they could have stored food . I Began to lose hope . Again , i would go to sleep hungry . Though , this wasn 't anything new . I Hadn 't eaten in days . Maybe weeks ? I 'm not sure . I 've lost track of time . I remember the last time that i had food . T and I had come across a gas station in the middle of nowhere . one of those places , where even in the apocalypse looked sketchy . We decided to hold on to the food until we found a safer place to hide out . A place where we could try and make fire . With a lighter , we were hoping it would be much easier than before . Before the Apocalypse i was a big chain smoker , which i believe was partially due to the addiction of the nicotine , and partially because i was stressed more than the average person . T always told me to Keep calm , and to slow down . To not take on so much . Not to work so hard . I told her that would happen when i retired . I wanted to make something of myself , and i wanted it NOW . I was willing to work 10 times as much as anyone else just to get ahead . Which caused me to stress more , lose more sleep , and of course smoke a lot . After walking for a few miles , we came upon what looked to be a small general store . The windows were busted out , and the door was broken . But , it was better than the gas station was . We could probably find something inside to board up the windows and the door with , or find another room inside with a working door . She pulled out a small pocket knife and walked inside , i followed behind . She opened the door of a small office and we walked inside . Papers , wood β¦ clutter everywhere . But , it was a shelter and it would do . While it may be the end of the world , we still had each other . That was worth the entire world to me , and i believe she felt the same . I took off my backpack , reached in and grabbed the items that we had found earlier , as well as a half filled water bottle . She grabbed the bottle , and the ramen and poured some of the water inside . She Set the ramen down on the floor , got up and began picking up some of the clutter . I knew she was a bit iffy about sharing food that way . She always was . Always would be . I think it was at that point that she caught on . I was always the type of person to β¦ Spoil her , i guess you would call it . Of course i would give her the majority of the food when she was obviously quite hungry . I Didn 't care if it was a survival situation . If i could do something to help her , i would . I always would . I nodded my head , agreeing with her . I reached over and grabbed the crackers . I Snagged two out of the pack , and put the rest in the bag while T was looking away . I would save them for later . We may need them . I continued looking through the kitchen for something to eat . Finally , i opened a cabinet , and there stood a box of cereal . I smiled , and grabbed it down from the shelf . It felt about half full . Holding the box , i went back into the room , closed the door and sat down . I reached into the bag to make room for the box , and felt something on the bottom . I grabbed it out . A lighter , and the Box of smokes . . I sighed , and set them on my lap , putting the bag back onto the bed . I opened the box to see a cigarette inside , and a napkin which had writing on it . I brought the Cigarette to my lips , and lit it . Inhaling deeply . I grabbed the napkin , and opened it . It simply read : You 're my Best friend . I Love you . Happy bir - The ink from whatever pen she was using seemed to have ran out at that point . I Smiled . My birthday was a few days ago . I can 't believe she β¦ No . I can believe she would remember something as simple as that . We only have simple things to celebrate now . Well β¦ . Had . She was a person that i was more myself around than anyone else . She was someone who made my Darkest days bright . She made me feel like i was a kid again , going to disneyland for the first time and seeing the castle . She was , and is my disneyland . I know that all sounds Highly cliche ' . but , i 've never been able to Express my feelings that way . Even my thoughts are a giant Jumble of words . If i ever wanted to Express more Complex feelings about something . i would have to Show it . I would have to Love Out Loud . ( September , For LOL day , i decided to write this little entry for B4TD which i dedicate to my best friend . Being that i can 't hop into my nonexistent car , with my nonexistent License and travel to where she is to be with her today , i wrote this . I hope she knows how much i love , and appreciate her friendship . She has gotten me through some of the worst times in life , and has often been a part of the best times . Tay , I love you So freaking much that it cannot be put into words . I Would have to create a new word just to express it . heart Filed under : Story - Leave a comment My counterparts stared at me like I was completely insane . I had never really been one to go out and look for a fight . But , this " savior " asshole had really made my blood boil , and I wanted to get even . I already had one mans blood on my hands , and as much as I hated to admit it : I don 't mind the idea of getting his on me either . I looked over to K whose eyebrow was still arched , and her mouth was slightly gaped like she didn 't know exactly what to say . P 's eyes looked to the ground and T 's eyes still had been glued onto me . I grinned and looked at P who just nodded . I then looked at K again who 's eyebrow had finally settled to its normal place on her head . She was looking at me with curiosity . I pressed my back against the walls as we walked down them . I had no idea what that was supposed to really do , but I had always seen secret agents , and military men do that in the movies . So , I figured it had to be helpful in some way or another . We are so completely out of our elements β¦ just last week my biggest concern was how to afford my electric bill . Now I am planning to kill a man . Premeditated murder was illegal a few days ago . I wonder what the situation will call for if we survived ? I heard a few voices coming towards us . We paused like video game characters . I grabbed the nearest doorknob and quickly jiggled it , hoping it would open . For the first time in several days someone up there liked me , and the door opened . I signaled for everyone and they all rushed in , as did I . Looking around quickly at the room , i can see it used to belong to a pencil pusher . It had the desk pressed against the wall and was now torn apart . Cracked frames on the walls show what used to be a happy family . I had a half smile on my face looking and thinking of happier times . Snapping back from my thoughts , I closed the door as quietly as possible and pressed my ear up , hoping to hear a conversation . I wanted to grab the gun from K and just shoot them both . But , I knew we couldn 't afford the noise . We needed to be careful . We are stepping on a lot of boundaries here , and to be honest I wasn 't too sure how to go about doing this to begin with . I held my breath for a few moments until I couldn 't hear the footsteps any longer . Both K and I joined in . It was nice to let the sense of normalcy happen . As normal as hiding in an office covered in the blood of man I murdered with my " family " , and one of them holding an semi automatic that β¦ I will be honest ; I still had no idea how to use . Yep , the new normal seemed pretty crappy . So its time to enjoy the little things . I walked over to the wall and stretched up and yanked a smoke detector off the wall . Taking out the batteries and putting them in my pocket . I liked that idea more then I would care to admit . How could I have doubted that they would have my back ? I stood up and extended my hand to K who took it . I put out my cigarette on the floor , and faced them . Then it was decided exactly what we would have to do . Stay watching each others backs . Find some weapons fast , attack , and get the fuck out of dodge . Some plans really needed to be properly thought out . But , we had been running on empty for so long that this was the best we could come up with . Slowly opening the door and didn 't see anything , so I signaled to everybody to follow me . Slowly , K took the lead , seeing as she was the only one of us armed . We had decided to try to see if any of the other rooms had weapons in them . As K stood watch we opened the doors one by one to see if we could get our mitts on anything helpful . Finally we found a collection of the most ineffective weapons from what I could only call a janitor closet . Including a mop . But , this isn 't an 80 's adventure game , so I know it won 't really help . Not even if it was gold . With K still taking watch for us I started to sift a little harder . I had never been much of a person to pay attention when I took my science classes , but I always did have a very destructive edge to me . Then I saw exactly what I wanted . I saw Clorox Bleach ! Many years ago when I was a reckless teen my friends and I had experimented with " bombs " . The basic stuff I still believe most teens do when they have way to much free time , access to a local hardware store , and a wooded area . Now we had done pipe bombs , and even tons of degrees of smoke bombs . Now one we had been afraid to try due to the warnings of death stayed in our head . It contained things we would all find under our sink . One of them being bleach . Now I was like a man possessed ! I started to look over everything with the bottle of bleach firmly in my hands . I felt a tap on my shoulder . T gave me a puzzled look as it seemed like his train of thought was still boarding the station . Suddenly a glint of memory popped in his head . He moved into the closet as well . P had a look that let him say without words that I was insane . I am okay with him thinking that at the time . I could have just saved our weaponless selves . K 's eyes kept darting between the two of us . I guess the idea of mass murder could be an ideal that takes a while to get used to . To think I used to be the most heavily moraled . I look over to T and he looked back at me . We had shared similar adventures in our previous life without knowing each other ( we grew up on opposite sides of the country ) , and it was a common bond between the two of us . We had " the spark " that could easily be turned on that neither of us could properly control until we got older . I really did . I didn 't want them to know I had no idea how much to add . I was just going by idea of the method . Every time I wanted to try this way back in the day , the same imaginary conclusion happened . Me dying , and personally I was not and I am still not a fan of that idea . K 's arms still placed firmly on our shoulders . T 's other hand rose and pointed high on the top shelf . I turned my head and saw he saw a green bottle labeled " Ammonia " . I turned , and while I had to go on my tippy toes to reach , I was able to get it . It was a big bottle that matched that of our bleach . We heard what sounded like a stampede running down the hallways . We all held our breath . Hoping this was another issue . Anything . Just don 't notice we are gone yet please . Yep I know a long time waiting but finally the last part of Chapter 4 is up ! How exciting is that ? So now we have Chapter 5 to look forward to ! Keep reading keep commenting and follow us on Twitter ! We will keep putting up more info as it becomes available and thanks to everyone for the continued support . |
Brent Cowan opened the door of his New York apartment and looked around , wondering for the third time that day where Anna was . As he set his luggage down by the door and walked into the darkened living room , his eyes missed the blinking light on the answering machine . " Anna ? Are you in here ? " There was no reply , which made the man nervous . Brent set down his keys and went into the kitchen to get a cup of milk to help settle his stomach , an old post - flight ritual he had begun not long after being hired by BSE . Beaumont Systems Engineering was a very highly - rated engineering and development firm that worked at the cutting edge of computers and several other fields , and he had been lucky to get a job there . Unfortunately for the twenty - nine year - old engineer , that meant that he was away from home for a third of every year . Anna did not seem to mind , though . Anna Mayhew ( soon to be Cowan ) was twenty - six , vivacious , and independent to a fault . She and Brent had been seeing each other for almost four years , and had just gone to California to spend some time together while he finished up a major job out in Sacramento . She was supposed to have arrived back in the Big Apple by noon ( she had taken an earlier flight , complaining of feeling ill and wanting to be fully rested for work the next day ) , while he had given a summary report and caught the redeye . Now it was almost two in the morning , and Anna was nowhere to be found . Brent searched every room in the apartment and found no signs of Anna having returned after her flight . Relax . She probably got stuck in Chicago or Toledo or somewhere else with engine trouble , he thought as he walked toward the telephone to call the airline . As he approached , he saw the blinking red light on the machine . . . and a chill gripped his heart with icy fingers . He pressed the play button and listened . " Mister Cowan , my name is Darryl Simms and I work for Trans - America Lines . Please call me as soon as you hear this . I must speak with you regarding your fiancee . . . " In the years that followed , Brent could never remember the rest of the message , nor the details of his conversation with that very same Mr . Simms an hour after he heard it . Anna Mayhew , who had taken an afternoon flight in order to come home and rest , had died halfway between Sacramento and Denver . Tests eventually showed that Anna 's heart had been damaged by the particularly tough strain of the flu she had been suffering from ; the virus had eaten through the pericardium and caused her heart to fail while she slept . It had been peaceful , he had been told ; she probably had not felt any pain . Joan Kelleigh had always enjoyed playing poker . . . until she played Jack Marshak . She had thought herself a reasonably competent player , and had bested Johnny and Micki several times over her three months working with them . Now she was in the middle of a game with Jack . . . and he was beating her socks off . She squinted at her cards again ( two pair , jacks over sevens ) , then back at the substantial pile of chips in the pot . Finally , regret heavy in her voice , she said , " I fold . " " Yes , well , I did warn you that I was rather good in my youth . " He began stacking the chips back in the antique holder and walked over to place it back on its shelf . He and Joan were working the store alone today ; Johnny and Micki were both out trying to follow up a lead on a cursed barber pole . " I thought I 'd be rustier . " " Yeah , you and Micki both . There are words for people like you , " Joan said as she took a deep drag . But before she and Jack could exchange another word , the front door of Curious Goods swung open and a man walked in , a small trail of snow ringing his footsteps . He was maybe in his early sixties , but his hair had gone completely white . His eyes , once blue , had taken on a gray cast and were ringed by deep wrinkles . With his shabby overcoat and tattered pants he looked much like a bum that had come in to get warm , which Joan and Jack had no problem with having obliged a few others over the winter . His first shot went wide , smashing the various china items the store had in stock to the left of where Jack and Joan were standing . Joan barely had time to realize that she was in danger before Jack was pulling her toward the back of the store . The man racked the slide of the gun , chambering another shell , and took more careful aim at the two scampering figures before squeezing the trigger . A second thundering boom filled the store as one of the glass display cases shattered , sending a dozen different items crashing to the floor . Jack pushed Joan ahead of him and managed to turn the corner leading to the basement stairs just before a third shot tore through where his body had been . The two scrambled down the steps and Joan ran toward the darkest for corner of the perpetually - darkened room , praying that she could not be seen . Jack , on the other hand , had no intention of running . As the man ran down the steps , Jack tackled him and wrestled him to the floor , getting a firm hold on the shotgun and refusing to let go . He might have been almost seventy years old , but he was in very good shape and still resembled the football player he had been in his youth , while the assailant was thin and scrawny , with barely enough strength to keep a hold on the gun . Jack drew a fist back and slugged the man , then pulled the gun away while he was stunned for a moment . Aiming the shotgun at the man , Jack said , " Who the hell are you ? " Touching the trickle of blood running from his mouth , the man said , " I 'm nobody . . . can 't you see that ? Don 't you know ? Didn 't you make me ? " The man 's voice was pleading as he lay there on the concrete , waiting for Jack to pull the trigger and finish the job . " Please . . . no more . . . I 'll do whatever you want , but no more . . . " " Are you okay ? " Jack said as he raced over to Joan , checking her to make sure she had not been struck by an errant pellet . Finding nothing , he quickly looked himself over and was relieved to see no blood . Joan could only nod numbly as Jack led her to his bed and sat her down before returning to the man 's body . " W - Why do you think he tried to kill us ? " Joan asked as Jack searched the man 's pockets , desperate for any answers he could find . " Is he c - crazy ? " " Crazy people can 't get police - issue shotguns , not even on the street . It 's an entry model , a good four inches shorter than the legal length . " Jack had pumped the action two more times , emptying the weapon , and then put the shells into his pocket along with the reloads the man had in his coat . " Ivanovich used to have one like it , back in the war . " Jack pulled a battered wallet from the man 's pocket and looked inside : three dollars and seventy - one cents , along with several expired ID cards . " Brent Cowan , 141 East 6th Street , New York . . . " " No , Joan , not yet . I want to talk to him first . " Jack reached into the coat 's inner pocket and pulled out a small spiral notebook crammed with newspaper clippings and scribbled notes . Jack shoved it into her hands along with the shotgun , then draped the man over his shoulder to take him upstairs . While Joan went upstairs to make a pot of coffee , Jack sat a chair next to the couch and waited for the man to regain consciousness , all the while looking through the battered notebook . After a few minutes Joan returned and set a pot on the desk . She was barely able to keep from dropping the pot as she poured a cup , and the cup itself tipped over and spilled its contents acoss the desk as Joan began shaking so badly that she fell to her knees . Jack was beside her a moment later , holding her as the tears of rage and terror came boiling to the surface . After a few minutes , Joan pushed away from him and looked into his eyes . " Oh , Jesus , Jack , I 'm scared . It wasn 't real before , nobody 's ever tried to kill me - " " I know , Joan . It 's hard when you know it 's coming . . . it 's impossible to deal with when you 're not ready for it . " Jack stood up and got Joan into a chair , then poured her a cup of coffee and helped her keep it steady . " You 're okay . He didn 't hurt you . . . and he won 't ever get the chance . I 'll make sure of that . " Jack picked the shotgun and slipped four shells into the magazine , the most it would hold , before going back to sit beside the man . It was almost an hour later before the man bgan to stir . Jack waited for him to open his eyes , then slowly and deliberately racked the slide to chamber a round . He got the desired effect ; the man stopped moving immediately and looked at Jack . " Why didn 't you kill me , you bastard ? " he asked flatly . The man shook his head and laughed sadly . " I thought killing you would set me free , or at least give me my life back . But I failed , and now you 'll keep on helping him make more . . . just like me . " The man looked into Jack 's eyes . . . and then into the shotgun muzzle , which was still pointed at him . " You know , I believe it when you say that . Are you the man who helped him create me ? Are you Lewis Vendredi ? " " Lewis ? " Now it was all starting to make a little sense . " No , my name is Jack Marshak . . . and if you came here to kill Lewis , you 're four years too late . " Joan came a few steps closer to look at the man . His white hair was thinning , and his face and hands were deeply lined with age . He looked like he hadn 't eaten in weeks . " Who are you ? " " Well , Brent , as I told you , my name is Jack , and this is Joan . " She managed a weak wave as the man turned his attention to her for the briefest of moments . " Now , would you care to tell me what all this is about ? " " Yeah , he must have . I mean , he was nothing but a hack writer until he ran into Vendredi on a business trip in Newark . Then he starts putting out novels that shoot to the top of every bestseller list in the space of three short months . " " You 're talking about Gregory Morcos , aren 't you ? " Joan said . When Jack looked at her in confusion , she said , " He 's been the most popular horror author of the past four or five years . Sight Unseen , All My Pretty Ones , The Longest Night . . . Jack , he 's put out twelve books since 1986 . " After an awkward moment , she continued with , " He 's one of my favorite authors . . . or , at least , he used to be . " " He 's everyone 's favorite . That 's part of his power . " Brent looked over at a clock hanging on a wall . " How long was I out ? " " Dammit . " He stood up and began backing away from Jack , who had raised the shotgun again . " I 've got to go , I 'm endangering you just by being here . " He started to turn , but the ring of the telephone made him look at the desk with a look of horror on his face . Jack gestured at Joan to answer it . " Hello ? " she said after raising the handset to her ear . After a moment , she looked at Brent . " It 's for you . " " Ah , such a poor attitude . . . and from one of my favorite players ! I thought we 'd gotten over this long ago . " The voice was tinged with sarcasm and menace , and Brent knew it very well . " I know what you 're trying to do , and it won 't work . You can 't stop me , Brent . " " Yeah ? Well , fuck you , too , " he spat , but there was no real feeling in the epithet . " I 'm damn well going to try . " " Do you really want to enter the game again , after all you went through to escape ? No , you 're going to make whatever existence you can with what little I gave you . Leave it be . " And then there was silence on the line . Brent let the phone slip from his hand . " He knows I 'm here . I should leave before he decides to punish me , and you as well . " Brent looked into Jack 's eyes , then into Joan 's . " All right . What the hell , it 's your lives . " The man trudged back to the couch and sat down , taking a deep breath before speaking again . " My name was Brent James Cowan . . . but I don 't know who I really am . Maybe I was conjured out of thin air . I am now thirty - four years old , and I have no past . . . and no future . " I was engaged to a beautiful young woman , but she died . . . and I fell apart . I quit my job with an engineering firm and ended up in New Orleans , where I ran into something that I 'm sure I 'll never forget . Have either of you seen a demon ? I mean a real demon , called up from Hell ? Well , I have . Slimy red skin , black , razor - sharp horns , eyes like ebony pearls . . . I 've seen more of those than I care to remember - " " He thinks he 's Brent Cowan . " At Jack 's blank look , she said , " Brent Cowan , the Demon Hunter ? Star of six novels and an upcoming movie ? " " I do not think I 'm him , I am him ! " Brent almost shouted , his face flushed a bright crimson . " Jesus , I lived through everything you people just read about ! I fought the Cult of Al ' Cazzir underneath the sewers of New Orleans , I battled the Spawn of Malkur out on Cape Hatteras . Every word you read about , he made happen to me . . . or to somebody else . I don 't know how he does it , but he creates people out of thin air . . . just to kill them in his books . Like he almost killed me . " He left me dying , and when I woke up I was lying on a beach in Oregon with nothing but the clothes on my back . I was walking by a telephone when it rang . . . and when I picked up , he told me that I 'd won my freedom . " He laughed , a short , barklike , bitter noise . " Freedom . What freedom ? I don 't exist anymore , I have no past thanks to Gregory Morcos . He took Anna , then he took any semblance of my life . . . and for my reward , he took everything from me . But I didn 't know that at the time . " I have no fingerprints on record , no driver 's license , no Social Security number , nothing that ever says that I existed . There is not a scrap of paper to be found to document my existence . Nobody knows me ; my family and friends , all gone . I 'm nothing , I can 't even get a job without getting a fake ID . I scraped along for almost a year before I ran across a book called All Fall Down . . . which was the book I was dying in . " " He 's keeping me , saving me for a rainy day , just in case the sales go down . That way he can ' resurrect ' me , like Doyle did with Sherlock Holmes . Oh , he 'll claim it 's popular demand . . . but it 's really because I 'm his favorite creation . " Brent looked at them , a dour expression on his face . " I know you don 't believe this . Hell , nobody else did . " " You might be surprised what we 'd believe , " Jack replied softly . " Why don 't we find you some clothes and get some food into you . Then we can talk . " Later that afternoon , the front door opened again and two people came rushing through . Micki peeled off her coat as Johnny let a heavy - looking barber pole thump down on the desk . " Okay , Mick . . . next time , you get to carry it . " As he hung his coat on the rack , he looked up to see Joan coming down the stairs . " Hey , what 's up ? " " Yeah , and it wasn 't cheap to get back . At least it only cost money , though ; we don 't think the guy ever used it . " Johnny picked up the object and started lugging it toward the basement steps . " Is Jack around ? " " I 'd better let Jack tell you . " A few minutes later Jack walked down the steps , followed by a middle - aged man who Johnny realized was wearing his favorite sweater . Johnny set the pole down and walked up to him , then turned to Jack . " What the hell is this ? " he asked . " His name is Brent Cowan , and he can help us get back one of the objects . " Jack turned the Manifest around for Johnny and Micki to look at . " We 're going after this . " " We now have a new source of information . The desk is owned by one Gregory Morcos , a novelist of some fame , I 've been informed . And Brent is going to help us get it back . " " How ? Jack , does he know what it is ? Does he know what it might do ? " Johnny blurted , glancing over at the frail - looking man in his blue sweater . The gears were moving in Johnny 's mind , turning until the right pieces of information were lined up . " You 're that Brent Cowan ? " he asked incredulously . " The one from the books ? " " Yes , and I 'd rather you didn 't remind me of it . " He looked over at Jack as Joan quickly explained to Micki where Cowan had come from . " Now , what can we do ? " " Because the desk was purchased under his original name - Michael Eglund . And the rest were purchased by people he . . . created using the desk , for use in his books . We 've gotten most of those back over the years , but there are a few that Morcos might have in his possession . " Jack closed the book and stood up . " We also know where his residence is - Denver . " " I also have skills that will probably be helpful in getting to Morcos , " Brent said . " After all , I am the world 's premier demon hunter . . . and I know how the man thinks . I know how he 'll try to manipulate the situation , especially as we get close to him . I can come up with ways around his obstacles . " He hefted a large duffel bag and several gentle clanks came from inside . " I 'm also well - equipped . " He looked around at the people gathered in the room . " You know , I haven 't felt like this in a long time . It feels like I 'm part of something important again , something worth doing . Plus , you 're the only people who believe me . " As soon as they turned the Suburban up the road that led to Morcos ' house , Brent knew that they were in for a long night . It had taken two days of travel to reach Denver from Chicago , and the rented Suburban - while comfortable - was beginning to get boring . He had heard all about the cursed objects of Lewis Vendredi , all about Ryan Dallion and Jack 's career as a stage magician . He had even given Johnny several pointers on how to improve his writing , especially in the area of depicting combat . Despite the pain that had been inflicted in creating them , Brent had to admit that Morcos ' novels were incredibly descriptive . . . after all , he had imagined them and they had come true thanks to the desk . That cursed desk . Brent was not surprised that the Devil was directly involved ; he 'd always suspected as much , although he 'd never found any proof . Not that it mattered now ; he and his newfound associates were going to put an end to the man , come hell or high water . As they turned onto the darkened drive that led the half - mile up to Morcos ' estate , Brent was unsurprised to see a dark mist covering the road , at least two feet thick . " Heads up for anything , people . We 're not in Kansas anymore . " Behind him , Joan gasped in shock as she looked at the mist . She could see dark tendrils moving through it , unseen by normal eyes , coiling like wisps of smoke . " Is there any other way in ? " she managed to say . " Not unless you 're all willing to consider an air drop . No , this is it . " He pulled a heavy , black pistol from his bag and checked it over . " Make sure your gear is ready . " Jack was behind the wheel , and had already checked over the weapons that Brent had given him . He had killed before , back in the Second World War , but that had been a long time ago . . . and then he had been leading soldiers . Now , he was going in with friends . . . so there was far more to be lost . Johnny and Micki gingerly checked their weapons ; neither had wanted to go in armed at first , but Brent had assured them that Morcos would populate his estate with evil creatures that were tough enough to tear most men apart . Joan would stay in the middle of their formation once they exited the vehicle because she was their eyes ; if she could see evil like Jack and the others had claimed , that would give them a substantial edge . Johnny and Micki would be her defenders , and Jack would bring up the rear , leaving Brent on point . They were all dressed in black fatigues courtesy of an army / navy surplus store , making them almost invisible in the dark confines of the vehicle . " Okay , people . We walk from here . Remember what I told you : short , controlled bursts . Aim for the eyes if you can . Johnny and Micki , do not leave Joan 's side . And one more thing . . . if I start to attack you , don 't hesitate to bring me down . Kill me . That 's the only way you can save yourselves . Since I 'm the only one he created with the desk , I 'm the only one of us he can affect that way . " He holstered the pistol and raised the shotgun he had been keeping on his lap . " Let 's do it , " he said , echoing what he had always used to tell his old teams . They all got out of the truck , cautiously moving around the tree and down the road toward the house . Jack was armed with a shotgun , and Micki and Johnny were both carrying sub - machine guns uncertainly . Jack thought , I wish we would have had more time to get them used to the guns . At least I had boot camp . But then Brent gave the signal to move faster , and he turned his thoughts to making sure that nothing attacked them from behind . Joan held the pistol in her right hand gingerly ; she had never held a gun before , and was not looking forward to having to use it . It was a black plastic and metal weapon , a 10 - millimeter Glock that Brent had said was very potent . As the group moved away from the headlights , Joan looked back at the vehicle one last time . And in a fluid , practiced motion , he turned and fired a blast from the shotgun itno the beast 's skull , dropping it immediately . " Thanks " he said . Joan nodded silently as they shuffled past the creature 's remains . " Expect more of them , " Brent said darkly . True to his word , by the time they reached the main gate they had encountered six more of the creatures , but they had been easily dispatched . " All right , now the hard part . I 'll climb over first - " The iron gate creaked as it swung outward , driven by some invisible force . " Like I was saying . . . let 's go right on in . " Once inside the wall , the grounds appeared tp be a perfectly normal place ; flowers , hedges , stone benches lining a pond . Brent carefully led the way up to the mansion , which had no lights showing through its windows . " I don 't like it . It 's too quiet . " " I agree , " Jack replied , looking around in a slow circle . He barely had time to look back at the mansion before a tendril slipped silently out of the water and wrapped itself around his throat , dragging him to the edge of the pool before Johnny and Joan managed to get a grip on him . As the plant - like thing squeezed the breath from him , Jack wondered if this was finally going to be his death . . . and then there was the sound of several shots , followed by a loosening of the pressure around his neck . He looked up to see Micki holding her gun out , its barrel still smoking in the chill night air . " One of the Spawn of Malkur . . . nasty sons - of - bitches that live in the water . " He looked up as Jack got to his feet , and realized that he felt years younger . " Oh , shit , " he muttered . " I think . . . I think he 's writing for me again . He 's remaking me , turning me young again . . . he could have control any minute . Watch me closely . " And then he walked up to the door and swung it open . There were no lights inside the house ; everything looked like it had been readied for storage decades ago . The furniture was all under white sheets , and the kitchen was full of unpacked boxes . Walking toward the stairs by the front door , Jack looked up into the shadows , saw nothing . . . and turned back just in time to see Johnny carefully aim at Brent 's leg and fire a single shot into his calf . The 9 - millimeter round punched through the skin and muscle with little effort , travelling out the other side and into the carpet , and Brent collapsed as his leg went out from under him . Johnny turned to Jack , and the older man realized what he had to do . He tried to raise the shotgun , but Johnny already had a gun on him ; he had no chance . So it was something of a surprise when Johnny collapsed as Joan clubbed him over the head with her pistol . Jack knelt beside Brent as Joan pulled the cord off one of the bulbless lamps and began tying Johnny 's hands together at the wrists . Micki bound Johnny 's feet , muttering , " What the hell is happening ? " " I think I know . . . " Brent said as Jack bandaged up his leg . The wound was minor , no bones or blood vessels hit . . . he would heal just fine , provided he survived the encounter at all . " Morcos must have thought that someone might try and backtrack to his supplier . . . he wanted somebody there just in case , someone he could use to stay safe . " Brent nodded . " Morcos must have placed him just before he let me go , sometime back in ' 89 , right ? He 's been there waiting for me . . . and he didn 't even know it . " Brent sighed and leaned a little more against Jack . " Okay , have it your way . " He had dropped his shotgun and was now wielding a large . 45 - caliber automatic , while Jack held his aging Webley revolver . Brent had scoffed at the ancient weapon , but he knew that it had carried the old soldier through many battles . . . so why not let him use it ? As they reached the second floor , all four carefully looked around before noticing the same thing : They were halfway to it when they heard the voice echoing up the hallway to them . " Ah , Brent . . . you 've come to visit at last . The prodigal son returns . " By the time the dozen Servitors had taken their weapons away , the four had mostly returned to their senses . They were now bound to large wooden racks with leather straps and manacles holding their extremities in place , surrounded by chittering imps that poked and prodded at the clothes and bare skin . Brent tried to pull away from the restraints , but he knew that it was no use . . . Morcos could make the bonds indestructible and inescapable here , in his own little domain . Gregory Morcos was sitting behind the writing desk , upon an intricately carved wooden dais that hovered above his hundreds of minions as they performed their infernal work . This chamber - impossibly large , too large to fit even on the entire Denver estate - was filled with the cries of the damned and their tormentors . It was as close to Hell as Brent had ever seen . Morcos turned to his captives slowly , relishing the terror in their eyes . " Hello again , " he said to Brent . " You 've come a long way since I freed you . " " You needed the proper motivation . That 's the problem with portraying characters correctly ; all too often , they lack the proper motivation to accomplish the deeds they must . " He leaned back and picked up a quill pen . " Like you must learn to relish the darkness within your soul . " He scribbled something on a sheet of paper lying on the desk , and Brent 's bonds fell away . " I 'll give you back everything I took away , and more . You can have Anna back . . . have children , if you wish . All you have to do is kill them . You 've had so much practice . . . what are a few more bodies ? " " She was a puppet , just like you . . . only she was insignificant . You , you were necessary - I had to train you , to give you the experience you needed to help me in my conquest . " Morcos ' eyes glowed a bright red as his voice rose to almost a shout . " Hardly ; the world is so insignificant . No , I want something far greater . The world is but a rough sketch . . . the real masterpiece is to be found in Hell itself . " " No , I am not insane . . . but I am your God . " Morcos began to write again , and a sword appeared in Brent 's hand . " Strike them down , and lead my armies to take Hell from its Master . " The shotgun blast took him entirely by surprise as Johnny rushed into the chamber , hitting him squarely in the chest as he ran up to his friends . With expert precision he took out five Servitors , then blasted the iron locks that held the chains in place . " No . . . " Morcos gasped as he gripped the quill and began to write again . . . but there was no healing , and none of the Servitors rushed to protect him and destroy the intruders . " Why has this happened ? Why has it not worked ? " " You 're a fool , Morcos . You think the Devil would actually let you try and take over Hell ? He gave you the power you wield , he gave you the ability to shape the world in your image . . . and now he takes it back . " Brent helped Jack to his feet as Johnny ushered Joan and Micki from the chamber , which had started to rumble threateningly . Morcos stood and grabbed at the edge of the desk , trying to steady himself . . . but then the ground opened underneath him and he was pulled down by a thousand sucking , biting mouths that were hungry especially for him . Blood sprayed everywhere as Morcos struggled to free himself , and then was gone as he was pulled out of sight . Brent leaned against Jack as the chamber seemed to fold in upon itself , squeezing itself out of existence until all that remained was a small library . . . and the writing desk ; then he and everyone else collapsed to the floor . The room was eerily silent except for the heavy , ragged breathing of everyone who had made it out . A few minutes later , Jack noticed light starting to build outside the windows . " Is everyone okay ? " he wheezed , the entire ordeal making itself felt throughout his body now . One by one they answered in the affirmative , until only Brent was left . . . and he said not a word . Jack crawled over to him , placed a hand against his neck , and found no pulse . Brent 's eyes were wide open , and Jack gently ran his hand over them . " I hope you find her , " was all he said . Micki left the small pile of dirt first , making her way back to the vehicle in the growing pre - dawn light , hoping that her tears would not be seen . As she waited for her friends , all her thoughts were focused on Johnny - whoever he turned out to be , now that his creator was dead . All this time , and nobody ever knew . . . not even him , she thought , pulling the bottle out of her pocket and uncapping it . For months now - almost longer than she seemed to remember - it had been her companion , her friend . It comforted her , made the dreams less intense , less real somehow , and made the chore of everyday life bearable . Joan and Jack left Johnny at the graveside a few minutes later . Jack had said a few words , something about how every good person finds their reward in the afterlife , but even to him the words seemed to ring hollow . In a way , he was no more real than Cowan had been . . . or Johnny was . But he was real , he was a living , breathing being who had to live with whatever the consequences of his actions were . He - or some aspect of him - had chosen the right path , despite his own selfish motivations . And now he had to see it through . . . consequences be damned . " I don 't know . I imagine that he 'll be the same person we 've always known . He won 't cease to exist . . . not unless somebody writes him out of life itself . And no one will ever get that chance . " Jack felt the younger woman 's head come to rest on his shoulder , felt the gentle shudder as a sob surfaced . And there , alone in the twilight woods , Jack knew what she did - what he had known all along , in fact . " Just like you . " Joan backed away from Jack , the sheen of tears showing on her chalk - white face . " You knew ? " she whispered , remembering the feeling that had gripped her when she had first seen the Servitor - utter terror , but a kind of passing familiarity , like she had seen the beast not just in her mind from the books but from her dreams as well . She could feel unbidden thoughts filling her mind as they had moved toward the house ; no doubt Morcos probing to see whether she or Johnny would be more fitting to kill Cowan when the time came . " I suspected . Of course , there was no way to prove it . . . you 're as real as anyone else because of that desk . But the timing was too perfect ; it was too coincidental that you came to us just when we needed you . Morcos used you to get to us , he wanted you to find us beacuse he knew that Cowan was getting close . But he could only control one character at a time . " Jack put a hand on her cheek , running his callused fingers over her flawless skin . " I think that you 'd have made a fine protagonist for a novel or two , " he said , a glint of humor in his eye . . . and a glint of sympathy . And back at the grave , Johnny knelt by the shallow hump of earth and ran his hand across it . " How did you deal with it ? What am I supposed to do now ? I mean , Pop . . . Mikey Connant . . . Mrs . Gravetti . . . everyone I knew before I got involved with Jack and Micki . . . none of them are real , are they ? " Who am I ? What am I ? " he hissed at the earth , as if the ground or the body it sheltered could somehow provide an answer . When none came , Johnny stood up and stepped away from the grave and , finding himself with nothing else to say , began walking back toward the Suburban parked a mile away . He caught up with Jack and Joan after a few minutes , and the three of them made their way back to the vehicle in silence . They were just in time to see Micki fling a small glass bottle deep into the woods , where it shattered with a hearty tinkle - a sound that was eminently satisfying to Micki as she made her way over to the others . " Are we ready ? " she asked as she brushed a strand of hair from her face . " Johnny , " Jack said in return as he sat down across from the young man . It had been four days since that night at the mansion , but Johnny still seemed to be in a daze over the whole incident ; Jack had no intention of telling either him or Micki about Joan 's similar background , not until they had managed to heal somewhat . " How are you feeling ? " " How do you think ? My life , my family , my memories . . . none of them are real , Jack . They 're all bullshit , created by a madman . I 'm not real . " " Now you know how I felt after I found out about the original deal I made with the devil . It 's not fair , Johnny . It 's not fair that this had to happen to us , any of us . " Jack sipped at the cup of tea he had been carrying , grimacing at the strong taste of the Earl Grey , but glad that he no longer felt it necessary to add a healthy shot of bourbon to it as well . " But I came to a realization : I 'm alive , and under nobody 's control now . And so are you . " " I wish I could believe that . . . but we 'll never be sure , will we ? I 'll never be sure . " Johnny moved slightly , and Jack could see the open phone book still in front of him . " I . . . I don 't know , Jack . I don 't know anything anymore . I don 't know if I should stay here or just run , try and vanish somewhere so the Devil can 't get at you or Micki or Joan through me . All my life , I 've known who I was and what I believed in . . . but now that I need to the most , I don 't know anything for certain . " " Well , I do , Johnny . . . and that is that we need you , now more than ever . Hold onto that , because it will never change . . . and if you still want to leave , I won 't stop you . " Jack placed a hand on his friend 's shoulder and got up to head back to his bed when a thought struck him . " Would you like to play some poker ? " " There 's no time like the present , then . " Jack pulled the deck of cards from his robe pocket and began to shuffle them . " Life 's too short . " " Yeah . Jack , do you think he found her ? I mean . . . do you think he went to Heaven ? Do you think he had a soul ? " Do I have a soul ? he wanted to say , but kept the words inside . " I don 't know , Johnny . I think that , even if he was created by an evil man , he was just as human as me . . . and you . The desk makes perfect characters , Johnny , real people . . . sometimes too real . And when you play at being God , there are always consequences . . . good , and bad . " With that , Jack started dealing the cards and the men played well into the morning , each realizing that they now understood the other better than before . . . and that , given time , it could make all the difference . |
Vladivostok , Russia . He was 15 months old . He is the light of my life and I can 't imagine my life without him . Henry is a HUGE fan of Curious George . Another email update to Aunt Leslie : Things went well today . We went out at 11 : 30 , so I was in a panic about what to do about lunch . I decided to feed him as soon as he got up from his nap . So , at 11 : 15 , he was lunching away , and then out the door at 11 : 30 . First we went to the passport office and picked up the children 's new passports . Then it was off to the doctor . That took a while and Henry HATED it , cried like the doctor was trying to kill him or something . All she did was listen to his breathing , look down his throat and feel him up a little . I guess it was the whole ' getting naked ' thing he disliked . Then , it was off to the American Consulate . It was about 2 when we got there . I figured we would be there awhile , especially since our appointment wasn 't officially until 2 : 30 . So my mom rocked Henry and he was sleeping in about 5 minutes flat . He ended up getting to sleep for about 45 minutes , which is a liittle shorter than normal , but still not bad . We were then going to go out to lunch , but the other little girls had had enough , so it was back to the hotel . It was almost 4 by the time we got here . So my mom and I snacked a little , and then went down for dinner at 5 . We even ordered dessert tonight . We always say we will come back later for dessert , but we never do , so we just ordered it tonight . I was telling my mom how much Henry has progressed in the time we have been here . The first few nights in the dining room with him was really not very much fun . After he was done eating , he had no interest in sitting in the high chair any more . Tonight , he sat ( rather quietly ) until my mom and I were both done eating . And he was in a very good mood . Mom went to check her email and he and I headed upstairs . He giggled all the way up ! Anyway , we are really on the countdown now , and they finally fixed to the TV tonight ! A few more days and we will be on the airplane to head home . Hope you have a happy Wednesday and I look forward to talking to you in the morning ! Just a quick note for you to let you know how we are doing . It feels like we have been here forever and we are now counting down until we get to come home ( 11 / 20 ) . As you saw from my other email , I got to pick Henry up right after court on 11 / 4 . It all becomes official on Tuesday . We should have a busy week finalizing the paperwork and then we need to do some paperwork with the US Consul to get his passport and visa all lined up . A courier will take it all to the US Embassy in Moscow for us . She arrives back on Saturday morning , and we leave out on Saturday afternoon - - arriving back in Houston on Saturday evening . I am sure by the end of it , Saturday will feel like the longest day in my life ! ! ! Henry and I are adjusting so well to each other . In the beginning , he was totally a Mama 's boy and did not want anything to do with grandma . It took him a good 4 - 5 days before he warmed up to her and allowed her to hold him and snuggle with him . So I guess that just goes to show that he did remember me from my previous visit . He is a sponge and seems to learn new things every day . Of course , some of the old tricks fall off for a while to make room for the new ones , but I am sure they will re - surface again ( like saying uh - oh ) . It is hard being cooped up here day in and day out . My coordinator has been kind enough to make sure we have what we need and take us to the market or baby store when needed . She has also taken us to lunch several days . It is hard to try and coordinate these activities between nap times - something I never had to consider before . I cannot imagine having done this trip without my mother . She has been so helpful in playing with and distracting Henry when I need to prepare his bottle or meals . Also , there have been times when I think she knew I just needed a few minutes for myself . And then we also trade off when it is naptime so we can check our emails . Hope things are going well there for you and the boys . Can 't wait to call when I get home so we can catch up on everything ! ! I miss our chats . An email update sent to Aunt Leslie , Aunt Nada , and Papa : Okay , tonight I decided I am breaking my rule and sending a few pics for you guys to look at . Please feel free to print them out and show them to whoever you want , but please , I still ask that you not forward them on to anyone via email until after we are home . The first one captures his playful spirit . You can see the gleam in his eyes ( probably was snapped just before he threw his sippy cup on the floor faster than mom could catch it ! ) . The second is of him settled down for the night . His favorite crib toys to take to bed include his photo album and monkey - both of which you can see how close he keeps at hand . Enjoy , and more to follow once everything is official and we are home ! at Hey Girlie Girl . Sorry I couldn 't make your Mary Kay party , but I heard it was a blast . . . . Okay , tell me please what the secret to mixing bottles is . I cannot make Henry a bottle that we don 't get to the bottom of and there are clumps and clumps of baby formula . It is maddening . It doesn 't seem to matter whether I mix it in hot or cold water , or how hard I shake , I just can 't seem to get it to mix . Of course , maybe it is the cheapy Russian formula that is to blame and not my mixing skills . Also , what is a typical day like for Jack as far as what he eats ? Henry starts the morning with a 6 oz bottle . This is followed by about 1 / 2 cup of cereal about an hour later . For lunch , he can easily down a jar of baby food , as well as a piece of bread ( without the crust ) and 4 crackers . For dinner , he usually will polish off two jars of baby food , as well as a piece of bread . Besides this , he snacks all day long ! He gets another 4 oz bottle before bedtime . And then the next day , he gets up and eats it all again ! He knows the corner of the room where we keep his snacks , so he is all day long pointing over there and demanding " Dah ! " ( Dah means everything to him . ) Then he will open his mouth and say ' ahhhh ' while pointing to it to show me it 's empty and needs some snacks . How funny is that ? ? ? Anyway , I really hope I am not overfeeding him , although I didn 't think that was possible . And I am almost certain that my pediatrician said to let him eat as much as he wanted in the beginning . It hasn 't started squirting out his ears yet , and he usually only has one BM a day , so I am guessing this is okay . Anyway , we can 't wait to get home so Henry can play with his buddy Jack . I can 't wait until their first photos together . Jack will be the tall skinny one , and Henry will be the short fat one . ( He isn 't really fat at all , but he is solid for his size . ) And the wonderful response I received : You didn 't miss much at the MK party ? We missed you though . You are doing the formula perfect . Warm the water and then mix in the formula . Worked for me . Pat Another email update to Aunt Leslie : eeeeeeeeeeeejjxy ' ] ] ] ] ] [''' ' ' ' henrySorry for the minor interruption , Henry wanted to say hello . Henry doesn 't seem to mind being around people so much , as long as there is distance . He loves looking at new things . When we got out of the car at the aquarium , he was looking everywhere at everything and pointing and saying ' Dah ! ' . I think on the inside , you have to get so close to the glass to see what is in each tank , that is what unnerved him . It was too close . So as long as people don 't all crowd him and get in his face , I think he will be fascinated to meet new people . I can 't wait to hear all of the other little things that have gone one while I 've been gone . It is so weird to think that by the time I get home , I will have spent most of the month of November in Russia . Who would ever have thought that would happen . Something seems to be going on at the hotel . I told you the English cable channels quit working . Well , for a while yesterday , we had no water . It really didn 't impact us because it was at a time where we didn 't really need water . But it seems that the water heater or something is out . It also seemed like the heating system was out for a while . Nothing ever to the point of causing discomfort ( other than the tv ! ) . But we sure are counting down - - the last Sunday we will be in Russia . It is cold outside , so we will not have any major outings today . The sun is out , so we are contemplating a small walk after our afternoon nap . We shall see . We have discovered Bleeny on the menu . They are like crepes and are served with jam . I finally feel like myself when I am eating them . Yum yum . Tonight , we will have left over spaghetti from last night . It will be good - at least it was last night . Okay , gotta run . Henry is getting antsy and I think they are done cleaning our room . It is 3 p . m . here and we went to the aquarium today . Henry liked it , but at some level , it also scared him a little . He was just squealing the whole time we were there and you couldn 't really tell if he was extremely excited or on the verge of tears . He was READY for his nap when we got back , was sleeping within 5 minutes of walking in the door . Poor little thing . B & R was good . Very similar to the ones at home . I had a scoop of jamocha almond fudge in a cone . They did not have pralines and cream - bummer . There was a person dressed up as Minnie Mouse . How " ironic " is it that Henry 's first picture with Minnie Mouse is in a Baskin Robbins in Vladivostok , Russia ? Another email update to Aunt Leslie : Good Saturday ! ! It is about 10 : 20 and Mr . H is down for his nap . He had a hard time going to bed last night , but went down easily for his nap this morning . Go figure ! Not much to report here since the last time I wrote . Glad to hear that it has cooled off there . It is cold here again today , although I haven 't been out yet . I am glad your workweek is over . I 'm glad it kept you busy but didn 't make you crazy ! As far as the bathroom , he is a little less afraid . We go in there a couple of times a day and turn the water on and flush the toilet , so he can see that it isn 't the end of the world . He will crawl up to the door and look in , but hasn 't gotten the guts to actually go in there on his own yet . Nada called this morning . It was nice chatting with her for a few minutes . And Dad called too , and talked to mom for a while . He said that he had printed the last Henry Update I sent and took it to bookstudy with him . The overseer read it to the entire bookstudy at the end . Imagine that ! ( He 's the husband in the family that sent the stuffed monkey that Henry loves so much . ) Hey , you know what ? Tonight is the LAST Saturday night that I will sleep in this hotel ! Yeah ! They had a big party here last night , and the way the hotel is built , the music drifts up the middle . It was so loud , no wonder Henry wouldn 't go to sleep . Okay , I 'm off to check on my little man and see if Mom wants to send some emails . Another email update to Aunt Leslie : Well , we did not make it to Baskin Robbins today . It is on the agenda for tomorrow . Today , Irina did not pick us up until 12 : 30 , so it was tricky to keep Henry happy until we got to the restaurant , since he usually eats lunch at noon . But I gave him snacks in the car and then fed him immediately when we got there . They had a high - chair , so he did pretty good . I made him stay awake in the car , because if he falls asleep , he will only sleep for a few minutes , and then will not take a nap in the afternoon . So , when we got home , I took him out of his snowsuit and straight into the crib . He was not too happy with that , but then I gave him his picture book and within 5 minutes , he was sleeping . ( I forgot to take his shoes off ! ) Irina said that on Tuesday , we will go to court with the other family that is here , and then all of us will go to the office of vital statistics to finalize everything . Then they will bring us back to the hotel while the other couple go to the baby home to get their children . On Wednesday , we will go to the doctor and to visit the consulate . Then Anya will FLY to Moscow ( a 7 hour flight , so I can 't imagine what it would be like in a car ) . I am not exactly sure when she will go or return , I just know that we are good to come home on Saturday . So we are on the countdown now . One week to go , with lots of things to do to keep us busy . It was only 38 here today . I think this was the chilliest day we 've had so far . But it is supposed to warm up . We haven 't had snow yet , so that 's a good thing . And we can still go outside and walk , although Henry wasn 't too happy about that this morning . Thanks for taking care of those things in Henry 's and my rooms . It will be nice for all of that to be fresh when we get home . I am still struggling with how to handle the flight and whether to treat Henry ( food and naps ) like it is the time here in Vlad , or the time at home , or when to switch between the two . I guess we will take it one hour at a time and figure it out together . I thought sat Another email update to Aunt Leslie : Greetings ! It is about 9 p . m . here and the little man just fell asleep a few minutes ago . He was a wild one today . He was playing so hard after dinner that I had to put him in the stroller and take him for a walk just to calm him down . He was practically running to all of the areas in the room that he knows that I don 't like him to play in so that I would chase him . If I did follow him , he would giggle and giggle . He thought he was just so funny . But when he gets like that , he starts throwing himself around and I was afraid he was going to crack his head open on something . So , off for a walk and he calmed down some . But he did not want to go to sleep tonight . Finally , clutching his stuffed monkey , he wandered off to sleepy time 's house ! He has become such a little power - hungry man ! When I was feeding him dinner tonight , I was feeding him a meat combo and a vegetable . Well , he decided he would only eat if I was holding the jar he wanted me to hold . So if I was holding the combo , he would point to the veggies and say ' Dah ! ' . If I didn 't switch and pick up the veggies , he would keep his mouth closed . So then I would switch and he 'd take a few bites , and then ' Dah ! ' , he wanted the combo again . Too funny ! He has really started teasing mommy and thinks he is just got me wrapped around his finger ( which he does ) . I know it doesn 't really work for you , but the best time to call us is first thing in the morning . We are almost always up by 7 a . m . and in the room until 9 . Then we may step out for a little walk before our morning nap . Even if you called during his nap , he usually sleeps well and we have the tv on ( when it is working ! ) and it doesn 't bother him . Irina is probably going to pick us up around 11 : 30 tomorrow , too . I don 't know what we will do tomorrow , but we passed a Baskin Robbins today and suggested a stop there would be most welcomed . So we shall see . My appetite is so - so . I eat every meal , so don 't worry that I am undernourished or on the brink of dehydration . I just can 't eatat Another email update to Aunt Leslie : Hope you a pleasant dinner with Ashley . Hope you had a margarita for me ! That sounds good right about now ( okay , maybe not now at 10 a . m . , but maybe tonight with dinner it would be good ) . I am feeling better and better each day . My appetite is not great , but I am eating something for every meal , so that is an improvement over a few days ago . My energy level is good and we actually stayed up until 10 last night . We were so proud of ourselves . That is the latest we have managed . It helped because we slept until about 5 this morning . We wake up early and then go back to sleep . Henry is an excellent sleeper , when he finally falls asleep . At night , he likes to play in his crib so long I think he is never going to fall asleep . I look forward to when we are home and he can be alone in his room because I think that will help him calm down . This morning , he woke up early ( 6 : 50 ) so I put him down a little earlier for his morning nap . He was a little cranky , which is unusual for him , and he was sleeping within 10 minutes , which is also unusual for him . He usually plays for about 30 minutes . He fell asleep with his head on his picture album and his arms clutching a stuffed monkey that my mom 's friend sent for him . He loves the monkey very much . Irina is going to pick us up at 11 today to take us out . It looks kind of dreary and cold out , so I am not sure what we will do . We are going to drop some laundry off ( should get us through the rest of the trip ) and go to the ticket office to change our tickets . Irina is supposed to call and confirm our appointment at the embassy today so we should know with certainty when we can come home , although she has consistently told us that it would be 11 / 20 . I can drop you an email later after we have officially changed the tickets , because I know you are anxious to get your invitations out and know for sure when you will get to meet Henry . We have done good at getting into a good routine ( although we may mess that up today with our outing ) . You are not going at Dear Dr . XXXX ( the doctor at the IA clinic I used ) , This is Paula writing to you from Russia . We went to court last week , however , even with your great letter , we did not get our 10 - day wait waived . So we will be here until 11 / 20 . I have one concern I would like to ask your opinion about . I was given custody of Henry while we wait , so he is here with me in the hotel . A few nights ago , I was putting the scabies cream on him and he got pretty upset ( he is 15 mos old ) . He started crying and was inhaling to let out a big wail . He kept inhaling and inhaling and it was like he got stuck . Then he started turning blue . Obviously this freaked me out big time . I had no idea what to do . He wasn 't choking on anything . I tried patting him on the back and talking to him . I think at some point , he must have passed out because then he was back to normal and even stopped crying . I think now I am a little over - sensitive . He has not turned blue again , but there are times when he is crying where he seems to just not be able to breath . I have read that sometimes children will hold their breath when they are upset and that they will eventually pass out and then be fine . I am hoping that this is the case of what is happening here . This is making me so nervous that I can hardly eat or sleep . Do you have any words of advice for me on this topic ? Thank you for any assistance you can provide - - even if only to give me some peace of mind . You can email me back or call me at the hotel ( I am in room 315 ) . I am in Vladivostok and we are 16 hours ahead of Houston . And the response I received : What you describe sounds exactly like a breath holding spell . The good news is that children cannot hurt themselves - - they will pass out first . But I agree it is a very scary thing to see ! Your instincts were absolutely correct ; the best thing to do is try to help them calm down and " catch their breath " . Lots of holding time ( if he is amenable to it ) may also help as he learns to trust you some more . It is not a seizure or anything else , and the more you twat Good Sunday evening to you , from Late Monday morning from Me ! Henry is napping now so I thought I would check my emails . He is doing so well . I wish I felt better . I did pretty good yesterday , ate a granola bar for breakfast and had some soup for lunch . But I just couldn 't deal with dinner . And then I went to bed with Henry . I think part of my problem is nerves . So I am taking some stomach stuff today that my Mom gave me and I am going to try and have a shot of vodka later tonight to help calm my nerves a little . I am so worried about taking care of Henry and doing everything right for him . Hopefully , it will settle down in a day or two and I will feel back to myself . I also think that the weather here is making my sinuses act up . I am taking half dosages of cold medicine , and while it helps my stomach , it doesn 't do too much for my head ! Henry enjoys going for a walk , but then he didn 't want to take an afternoon nap yesterday . I tried to get him to go down , but he just played and played and would never go to sleep . So finally , I got him up and we played some more . My mom had gone to check her email and I needed to go to the bathroom , so I put him in the crib for a few minutes and he fell promptly asleep ( at 5 p . m . ! ) I was freaked out , because certainly he couldn 't sleep through the night going to bed that early . And we hadn 't had dinner yet . Well , fortunately , he only slept for about 45 minutes , but he sure was cranky when he got up . But I had the opportunity to get him ready for bed and give him his bottle . I put him back down about 7 and he played quietly in his crib for about 30 minutes and then finally went to sleep and slept until 7 this morning . So we are working on his naps today . I am not going to let him sleep so long in the morning and then I am going to try and get him down earlier in the afternoon . I may take a few days to make this adjustment for him , so we 'll see . He loves to sleep with his legs outside the crib . I 've taken pictures because he is so cute , but then I tuck them up in the crib because I at The time difference between Russia and home is 16 hours ( Russia is 16 hours ahead of you ) . So , if you call in the late afternoon or evening , it will be morning here ( 4 p . m . your time is 8 a . m . here ) . Amazingly , we are staying pretty busy . When Henry is awake , we play and play . We went for a walk yesterday , which he enjoyed , but then he didn 't take an afternoon nap . So we will have to do that differently today . He sleeps through the night with no problems . He goes down at about 8 and sleeps until 7 or 7 : 30 each morning . Sometimes he whimpers a little during the night , but I get up and pat him in the back and he goes right back to sleep . He loves mealtimes and will even eat the things that he doesn 't like very much , like his morning cereal . His bottle in the morning and before bed is his favorite and he cries when it is empty . We are taking lots of pictures and I will email some to you when we are home . It seems like we have been here forever and it will be forever before we get to go home . But I am sure the time will pass quickly enough . Henry is such a happy baby , he really is . He woke up when Nada called this morning , but he just sat up in his crib and started smiling at me . My mom came out of the bathroom and started talking to him and he just started giggling . He will be sitting playing contentedly by himself , and then look up and see me watching him . He just breaks into a big grin and many times will come across the room to hug and snuggle with me . He is a little sponge and is just soaking everything up . The first day , he was saying uh - oh , except when he says it , it is more like uh - ah . He absolutely loves his stacking cups and can stay entertained stacking and unstacking them forever . He loves putting things in them , too , so I am glad that I brought him some smaller cups . He loves to let me read to him , but I can tell that he wasn 't used to this at all . When he first got the book , he really didn 't know how to open it or look at each page . We read brown bear over and over again , making the animal noises for each page . He anticipates the last page that has the goldfish on it because I make the goldfish face and he loves to stick his finger in my mouth , just like Sara did . And then I kiss him and he tries to make kissing noises back . He is close to being able to throw kisses and will do it if Irina tells him in Russian . He does wave hello and goodbye , pretty much on demand . I am feeling a little better . I took half of a dosage of cold medicine because I think that my sinuses were draining into my tummy and that was causing me not to be hungry . I do feel better and my stomach is actually growling now , so I am going to have some soup for lunch . I also think that it is a bit of nerves , like , ' oh my god , I am responsible for this little boy ' and whether or not I am doing the right things to care for him . I am certainly learning from my mistakes . He is a very good eater . I am thinking that he is allergic to milk since he would get very congested when I gave him his bottle . So I switched to the soy formula and it seems to be better . He absolutely loves hat He is very entertaining . And he is good on his own , he plays and plays and does not require constant attention . When he realizes you are paying attention to him , he just grins . . . he is not used to having attention . Nana is sitting with him looking out the window and they are watching the birds . He gets so excited everytime he sees one . He loves music , and will dance when he hears music . We took him for a walk in his stroller yesterday , and he just sat there and seemed to enjoy it . I don 't think he really has been outside very much , so he is just taking everything in . Greetings from Russia ! Here are some pictures of the courthouse . Just wanted to drop everyone a quick note to let everyone know that , as of 10 a . m . Thursday , November 4 , I was granted the adoption of Henry . Although our 10 - day wait was not waived , I was able to get custody of him . We went straight to the baby home to pick him up after court . We are having fun getting to know each other better . He has already started taking steps and I imagine he will be running all over the place by the time we get home . The decree will be official on 11 / 16 and I am expecting that we will return home on 11 / 20 ( a week later than anticipated ) . Thanks for everyone 's well wishes and I look forward to you all getting to meet my Henry . Paula and Henry ( and Nana Pat ) Our visit with Henry was wonderful . I don 't think he remembered me at first , he cried really hard when they first brought him to me . But I started reading to him and the sound of my voice calmed him down and then I think he remembered who I was . My mom was amazed at the transformation of him from when he first came until it was time to go . At first , he was withdrawn and unhappy and wouldn 't smile . By the time we left , he was giggling non - stop . So having him with me full - time will make such a difference . When they came to get him , he actually cried because he didn 't want to leave me . Then my mom started crying . Oh boy ! Irina really doesn 't think we can get immediate release , but she is going to make one last attempt by calling the judge tonight . The American Consul is on vacation and the substitute is giving her a hard time about taking care of it . She is hoping maybe the judge will be sympathetic and give us release so we don 't have to worry about it . Court will be at 9 a . m . tomorrow morning . Irina says we will go straight to the baby home after that and get the children . Yippee ! We went to the baby store today and I got more food and diapers for him . So we should be all set . I don 't think he grew very much during the last month . He looked pretty much the same and the outfit he had on was 3 - 6 months . I think it must have been mis - sized because he is certainly bigger than that . I guess we will see how is clothes fit him . Hey , we had a few minutes before dinner . Unfortunately , we did not get to go see the children today - Irina needed to go and talk to the judge before court on Thursday . She makes it seem like it is a slam - dunk and the court is just a formality . I hope it goes smoothly . However , she really is setting us up that the 10 - day wait will not be waived . I guess we 'll know for sure in a couple of days . We are having a hard time staying awake , so we will probably go to bed right after dinner . I 'll try giving you a call in the morning ( afternoon your time ) and then we can try the calling cards that we have . All right , that 's all for now . Looks like the internet may be working a little better so we should be able to stay in touch a little better this time around . Well , I am sitting here after I have filtered through all the crap that piled up on my ' adoption desk ' over the last month . Since submitting my dossier , obviously there hasn 't been a lot of things I 've actually needed to sit at this desk and do . So , now , it is pretty much cleared off and will be moved to make way for TOYS ! I 've picked up my prescriptions for Henry ( an antibiotic and the scabies creme ) . I 've gotten my fresh bills from the bank . I 've gotten my embassy paperwork together . Henry 's suitcase is packed . I think I 'm ready to go . Well , okay , there are a few more things that need to be taken care of . But it is going to be hard to get these next 10 days to pass by . They are taking forever . I couldn 't believe when I woke up this morning , it was only Wednesday ! Argh ! You asked what size clothes I was bringing for Henry . Well , I am bringing some size 9 mos , and some size 6 - 12 mos . Different brands size things differently . I had measured him from the nape of his neck to the crotch of is outfit . I measured all of my outfits based on that - and unless he 's grown tremendously in the last month , I am hoping I am okay . I told Leslie , if they don 't fit him , guess I 'll have to go shopping ! What size are you bringing for your DD ? How much food are you bringing ? Are you planning on putting her back on the bottle at all ? It is so hard to know what the right things are to do , but I am sure it will all work out okay . Oh , and I did decide to bring the umbrella stroller . I think it will help in the airports , and probably other times as well . Okay , can 't think of anything else right now - except I don 't want to work anymore ! Here 's my brain dump for today . I keep thinking " Oh , I need to tell xxxxx . . . . " So here is my top 10 list for Thursday : 1 . Cheryl told me that we need to give Irina back the $ $ she gave back to us . Wasn 't sure you had received that message . 2 . I went to the liquor store today and have my tequila and cognac , so I 'm good on that front . 3 . IA doctor confirmed that Mr . Henry has scabies and is calling in prescription ( s ) . 4 . Dale says we don 't need to staple anything into our passport - the sticker visa is all we need for the next trip . 5 . I don 't want work anymore . 6 . Henry 's room is all put together and waiting for him now . 7 . I have no idea what to pack for Henry . 8 . Barb hasn 't called back with any travel info yet . 9 . I don 't want to work anymore ( although , I may have already said this ) . 10 . Three weeks from today , we will both offically be parents ! You guys really outdid yourselves . I cannot tell you how blown away I still am about the whole thing ! Everything was beautiful - the tables with the diapers , the candles in the baby food jars , the ' count the jelly beans ' , the ' sign the picture frame ' , the tooling ( I 'm sure I am spelling this wrong ) on ALL of the chairs , the baby sock corsage , the ' It 's a Boy ! ' sash , and I could go on and on and on . And yes , the cake was yummy ! Every one was so extremely generous , especially all of you ! I appreciate all of your hard work and creative minds . I appreciate your enthusiasm over all of the things , big and small , that I received for Henry . And most of all , I appreciate all of your endless support and bottomless hearts in loving me and Henry . Thank you from the bottom of my heart ! ! I love you all so very much . Henry is one fortunate little boy to come home to such a special extended family . All this is said as I listen to Cookie Monster sing " C is for Cookie and that 's good enough for me ! " Here I am at the internet cafe in Seoul . It is $ 2 for 50 minutes , so I figured I could afford to drop you all a note . : - ) The flight to LA was uneventful , I slept some . My layover in LA was about 2 1 / 2 hours . The walk to the international terminal was about 1 / 2 a mile , but it was good to walk around after sitting so long . I found the other couple that I am traveling with . They seem very nice and down to earth . Remember the little girl at the end of my referral video ( Violetta ) ? That is their little girl . How ironic is that ! ! The flight between LA and Seoul was looooonnnnnngggggg . Fortunately , it was not full , so there was an extra seat next to me . I managed to sleep about 6 or 7 hours . They served two meals and they were okay . I will be here in Seoul for another 2 1 / 2 hours . We are wondering whether we will go and meet the children right away , or whether we will get to freshen up . I feel like I am a sweaty , stinky mess . So I am hoping we get to freshen up . Okay , guess that 's all that I have to report for now . It is 7 : 30 in the morning here , and 5 : 30 in the afternoon ( the day before ) at home . So I 'm not sure when you 'll get this message . But I wanted y ' all to know that I got this far safe and sound . Since I am writing this retrospectively , it will be in past tense . However , for chronological reading of the blog , I am having it post against the day the events actually occurred . On Tuesday , August 10 , 2004 , I did in fact receive a fedex package from my agency . In the envelope were several things , but the most important of them all was a video tape . I had contacted the International Adoption Clinic at Texas Children 's Hospital on Monday and told them that I had received a referral and asked what the next steps were . I had decided to hire them to look over my referral information to help me determine the potential health of the child being referred . An appointment was set for Friday afternoon , with the request that I forward whatever details I get ahead of time so they could review it before we met . So now , here I am in Chicago with a copy of a video tape of my potential son . I ran around to all of the conference rooms that had video players and could not get the tape to play on any of them . I wasn 't sure if the issue was with the players or the tape , and didn 't want to ruin the tape . I also might not have been thinking very clearly and may just have been doing something wrong . But it was making me crazy that I had this video tape and no way to look at what was on it . I spent a good part of that day calling all over the Chicago area trying to find a place that could duplicate a video tape . I needed to get a duplicate sent off by Wednesday in order for it to get to Houston in enough time to beat my Friday appointment . I finally found a place that was about an hour away from the office . So as soon as my last meeting of the day was over , I bugged out of there to the duplicating place . There was some question about what format the video was taped in as they could not initially get it to play , either . But then it started . . . it was so surreal to stand in the middle of this hi - tech video room watching this video . Tears were streaming down my face and I felt the need to apologize to the folks working there as I explained toat Since I am writing this retrospectively , it will be in past tense . However , for chronological reading of the blog , I am having it post against the day the events actually occurred , August 9 , 2004 . Ever since that day , my life has never been the same . And to really understand my mind set on that August day , I need to step back even a few more days . Lets start with August 5 . It was a Thursday , the day that I had my regular calls with my adoption agency . I was in the " waiting " stage where there was nothing further that I could do and waiting is not something I do very well . So as I spoke with Bridgette at EAC , I just kind of dropped a comment about the fact that I had a major milestone facing me the next day : my 40th b - day . Even though I don 't celebrate my birthday , it was still a huge milestone and I thought it would be great to mark that milestone with a referral . Bridgette laughed at me and encouraged me to be patient . She indicated that I really hadn 't been waiting long ( only since Memorial Day weekend , so about 2 months ) and that they were telling folks that it was leaning more towards a 4 month wait for the referrals to come in . Friday came along and Leslie and I had tickets to see Prince . We were in pretty much the last row of the upper deck of Toyota Center , but you can hear just as well from there . I did spend a lot of time that day thinking that it was the last birthday I would spend as a family of 1 . The rest of the weekend was a blur . But come Monday morning , August 9 , I was due to go on a business trip to our office in Chicago . I was planning on being up there for the week , and my very generous co - workers had coordinated to have a shower for me while I was there . I dreaded the conversations that I knew would occur : " Have you heard anything yet ? " , " Any idea how much longer ? " and the like . I boarded the plane and promptly fell asleep , even before the plane took off . About half way to Chicago , I bolted awake . I don 't believe in premonitions or the such , but I can tell you that at that moment , I KNEW I was goingat |
February 2 , 2012 by starla Having a pet is like having a child . I have latched on to my 100 lb dog Molly , as if she were my child . When someone I love is injured and in pain , I get really concerned . This includes my pets . After a long relaxing walk with Molly , I noticed blood on the floor and blanket . Molly had broken one of her back toenails very far back and it was bleeding everywhere . After watching my mom groom for over 15 years , I picked up on a few things . For instance , when a dog 's toenail is bleeding it means their quick is exposed . It 's the equivalent of a person losing a fingernail and their bloody skin is showing . It 's very painful for humans and dogs . I knew from experience that I needed to stop the bleeding by placing a powder like substance on it like my mom used to use when she accidentally clipped a dog 's toenail a little too far , which was not often . After a speedy search on the internet , I found a vet recommending flour . I doused Molly 's paw in the flour packing it on to her toenail . She really enjoyed licking the flour straight out of the bowl giving her a white face . I also knew that I needed to keep her from licking the wound . I placed one of my husband 's white socks over her leg , loosely taped it around her haunch , and sat with her for hours . It 's true . Her nails were too long . She slid all over the concrete floors in the basement . The long walk I thought was relaxing was actually causing pain to Molly 's feet as it fractured her toenail . I should have picked up on her slowing down at the end . She usually slows her pace a little about half way through , but she was much unmotivated this time . My mom would have lectured me on the importance of keeping her nails trimmed . The problem is her nails are black and very thick . It requires a special tool called a drimal to file down her toenails . I always went to my mom 's grooming shop to borrow her tool while she groomed and caught up with my life . But , she isn 't here anymore , and I don 't have her drimal . After a few hour stay at the animal hospital , she was all fixed up . They sedated her long enough to clean her wound and trim her nails . She slept most of the day while I lay beside her in the bed , wishing my mom was here to help me take care of her . February 2 , 2012 by starla It happened again . Another nightmare ; only this time it involved my precious dog Molly . She is a 100lb Rhodesian ridgeback who is nothing but all baby with long muscular lanky arms and legs . In my dream I was trying to carry her up a tall wooden ladder . I was trying to pull her into a tree house when she slipped from my hands and fell to the leaf covered ground . I climbed down the ladder and found her okay , so I tried to carry her up the ladder again ! This time , she slipped out of my hands , hit the ground with a thud , but didn 't move . By the time I got to her , she wasn 't breathing . I actually performed mouth to mouth and CPR on my 100lb dog . She never came back . I woke up in screams , called for my Molly , and let her sleep the rest of the morning with me . I still can 't shake the dream , so I decided to look it up . Dreaming about a dead dog illustrates a loss of a close loved one . Interesting . My emotions when my dog died in my dream were really my emotions from my mom 's death . I watched her body slowly stop working , but I did not watch her take her last breath . I wanted to be there , but it didn 't work out that way . Monday , August 8th , 2011 I drove 30 minutes to the family home to visit my mom like I did every day . I hadn 't seen her since Friday , which was our best visit together . Towards the end , my mom didn 't interact with me the same as she had before . When she talked to me , she didn 't look in my eyes the same as she used to . When she listened , she seemed distracted , nor when she laughed , nor coughed ; nothing was the same ; except for that one day , her best day , and our last best day together . That 's the day we went through her life nestled away in a wooden trunk . The trunk was located right outside the bedroom door , along the wall , at the foot of the stairs . Mom opened the trunk and got out a plastic bag and envelope of pictures for us to look at . We crawled on top of her bed in the sunny bedroom , my mom lying on her side going through pictures and me sitting in the middle Indian style going through pictures . Every so often I would stop and say , " MOM ! You look so beautiful ! Look at your complexion ! You 're not even wearing any make up ! Your hair , your smile , this picture is gorgeous ! " " Normal " for my mom was that she always looked at you when she talked to you . She would normally shake her head in agreement and say , " Yea , I know what you mean . " When she was really trying to figure out what you were saying she would kind of squint her eyes like she was trying to see something far away . At that time she 'd usually say , " Wait a minute , wait a minute , wait a minute . " Sometimes she would act really goofy and sigh as if to say , " I 'm trying really hard to understand but I have no clue what you 're talking about ! " My mom giggled a lot and always had fun with you when she engaged in conversation . She didn 't just sit there with any emotion ; my mom wore her conversations on her face with dramatic eye brows , and other facial expressions . When I got there on Monday , she had completely changed . She was walking around crying , saying she wanted cereal . My mom 's boyfriend , exhausted from staying up with her all weekend , apparently she wasn 't sleeping , went to bed while I made her a bowl of cookie crisp . One thing I noticed right away was that my mom 's eyes were closed . When she tried to open them , they were just slits . She attempted to eat her cereal and then I attempted to brush her teeth . I giggled at her because she was so helpless and cute . She told me to stop laughing at her and then started to cry . I gave her medicine and helped her to bed . I immediately got on the phone with her home health nurse and told her to come over right away , something was wrong . While I waited for the nurse , who took a few hours , I read to my mom from the Bible . She cried and moaned while I read Psalms and Proverbs trying to help her find peace so she could rest . At this point she hadn 't slept since very early in the morning . Since the diagnosis mom always took naps throughout the day , so I knew something was wrong because she was so restless she couldn 't sleep . When the nurse finally arrived , mom had just dozed off . The nurse listened to me describe my mom 's odd behavior giving me medical background on why she was exhibiting this behavior . She had entered the stages of dying . In my mind I thought this would last forever . Mom was so agitated and restless I just couldn 't picture her dying yet . While the nurse took her vitals and tried to calm my mom down again , I called everyone I could to let them know it was getting serious . My aunt from Texas got a plane ticket for the next morning , my great aunt showed up in 30 minutes , I woke my mom 's boyfriend up and had him talk to the nurse , and I called my husband . My mom 's moans and cries from that day will never leave me . She sounded so miserable . The nurse told me that because her body was so young , 49 , that it was going to put up a fight and try to hang on as long as possible . It 's called terminal restlessness . Mom couldn 't calm down no matter how much morphine they gave her . It took a few hours , but finally she did calm down and fell asleep . It was then decided that she needed round the clock care in order to help take some of the stress off the family . It was a welcomed relief . I had done really well taking care of her , making sure she ate , took her medicine , had water in the oxygen machine , and rested . When it came down to the very end , I was so numb I barely could take care of myself . More family began to show up , so I stepped out to call my pastor . I had brought my mom to church a couple Sundays and she had a long conversation with my pastor about relying on God throughout the journey . She rededicated her life to God two months before she passed away . My pastor remembered her saying that she wanted to be re - baptized . I gave him the address and he told me he would be there in an hour . While I waited , I paced back and forth in the living room , getting anything the nurse needed . Wet wash cloth , glass of water , schedule of her medication that had been given over the weekend was amongst the few items she needed ; even the dreaded kit in the refrigerator . This kit was for emergencies and it housed various types of medication that my mom would need towards the end of her life . It sat in the refrigerator for two weeks before she needed it . When my pastor arrived , he helped us get her hospital bed in the living room for closer monitoring . Once she was settled , my pastor started the baptism . Because he was unable to perform the baptism in a tub of water , for obvious reasons , he asked for a glass of water . I grabbed a yellow coffee cup that had a giant smiley face printed in black on one side . My pastor began with a prayer , quoted the appropriate scripture and then he dipped his finger in the smiley face water and made a cross on the back of her right hand . My mom moaned and turned her head towards the wall , away from us . Afterwards , we all shared in communion , taking the bread , and drinking the juice . My pastor then had us all make a circle holding hands ; I held my mom 's hand and the circle wrapped around until my great aunt touched my mom 's foot . We prayed the most beautiful prayer , wiped our eyes , and rejoiced for what had just occurred . It was the most peaceful baptism I have ever witnessed . Every couple of hours my mom would sit up on the edge of bed and ask for water . Her mouth was getting very dry . During these times we would try to talk to her , asking her if she recognized us . I knelt down looking up at her and asked , " Mom , do you know who I am ? " She smiled and said , " My daughter . " I stayed the night in the living room , while my grandma slept in the front bedroom , and my mom 's boyfriend slept in the back bedroom . I did not sleep . I sat on the couch , leaning against pillows propped up so I could watch her every breath . My mom 's best - friend is a hospice nurse and she told me to watch how many breaths she took in a minute . If it dipped below 12 it 's getting close . I watched the second hand on my watch click by as I counted her breaths , one β¦ two β¦ three β¦ four β¦ five β¦ six β¦ seven β¦ eight β¦ nine β¦ ten β¦ eleven β¦ twelve , twelve breaths in 60 seconds . For a solid hour I sat at my mom 's bedside , holding her hand , crying softly in my arms . I did finally manage to fall asleep for two hours only to be awoken by my mom moaning and moving to sit up . The night nurse had left and there would be a couple hours before the next nurse would arrive . Luckily my grandma was awake and was able to help me . My mom complained that her mouth hurt from being so dry , so I gave her wet wash cloth to suck on . With her eyes half open , she took the wash cloth and tried to take a bite out of it . She looked at it , tried to look at me , and then threw it on the floor . " What the hell you given me that for ? " We giggled a little and gave her a sip of water . Before everyone got there , I sat on the floor next to my mom and read a letter I wrote her on Friday that she never got the chance to read . At one point I stopped . " Don 't stop . I like to hear your voice , " my mom said . Fighting tears I read her a letter that spoke of my undying love for her and listed out all she had taught me in life . By the end of it my grandma was sobbing and told me that was a wonderful letter . The new nurse arrived along with my mom 's best friend who happened to know our new nurse because they work together . I was relieved and jumped in the shower . When I got out , it was time to head to the airport over an hour away to pick up my aunt from Texas . I leaned in to my mom and kissed her forehead . " Hang on mom ; I 'm going to the airport to pick up your sister . I love you so much . " She moaned , moved her head a little ; rattling with every breath . We stopped for gas and smokes and headed towards the airport . The drive felt like an eternity as my mom 's best friend and I tried to laugh and reminisce of old times . She dropped me off at the terminal and circled around while I ran into to find my aunt . I 'm so grateful for the experience I have in airports because I was able to locate my aunt 's plane on the big screen , find her gate , and wait patiently for the plane to arrive . I watched through the large glass windows as her plane landed and slowly drove up to the gate . She finally walked through the security doors and into my arms for a long hug . We quickly left . As we pulled in to the driveway I checked my watch : 3 : 15pm . I took a little longer getting out of the car ; my aunt and my mom 's best friend were walking through the door by the time I got to the porch . I heard a lot of screams causing my heart to beat fast while I held my breath . I rushed through the door thinking my mom was sitting up on the bed hugging my aunt and the screams were joy from seeing each other . But that 's not what the screams were for . The screams were because my mom took her last breath at 3 : 15 pm . January 25 , 2012 by starla Middle school through sophomore year in high school , I went to church . I loved church and I really loved the people . It was always a safe place where I felt I could be myself and people liked me because of it . When I first moved in with my mom , all I had ever known was small town life where people talked about God . My mom lived in a small city surrounded by other cities ; you didn 't have to drive far to get what you needed and only a few kids at school talked about God . Instead of being open to my new life , I was closed minded and judgmental . I am ashamed to say that I even judged my own mom . But in all actuality , my mom judged me too . Because I went to church she judged me as a " goody two shoes . " At the same time , I was trying to make her more of a stereotypical mother figure . I even started calling her mother , which she did not like . I bought her plain cotton shirts with pink flowers on them and asked her to cook cookies and things for me , because I thought that 's how a mother was supposed to act . Keep in mind that I only saw my mom every other weekend , which sometimes we didn 't because she was working or couldn 't afford the trip to small town , USA . I really didn 't know her at all . In an effort to get to know her , I snooped through her room . From what I have heard from others , I 'm not the only one who has ever snooped through their parents ' stuff . I still don 't feel right about it , partly because I found some very private materials , and partly because it 's just wrong . It was so disturbing ; it shocked me and rocked me to my very core . So what did I do ? I wrote about it in my journal . After coming home from a weekend with dad , I walked in to a nervous woman pacing the living room floor . She was holding my journal . She had read everything . Apparently , I had written some pretty awful things about her and she was ready to confront me . My stomach hardened , my heart started beating quickly in my ears like drums , and I couldn 't catch my breath . I knew what I had done was wrong and I didn 't know what to do to fix it . We yelled at each other for a very long time . She told me I was closed minded , judgmental , and a hypocrite . She also forbade me to go to church . Said I needed some time in the real world to soak it all in . This was a blow and it hurt . I didn 't know what to do so I yanked the journal out of her hands , fled the living room down the short hall to my tiny bedroom , and slammed the door . I heard the front door close . She left . While she was gone , I started screaming and making horrible roaring sounds . I was overcome by emotion and panic . I frantically started searching for my new journal , the one I had just started . What she had found was a complete journal that I had had since I moved in with her . A whole year 's worth of crazy emotional teenage rants . I couldn 't find my new journal ; it wasn 't in my room . I immediately forced open the door , marched across the hall , and stood in my mom 's room . I don 't know how I knew , but I lifted up the mattress on my mom 's futon , and found my new journal , hiding beneath it . Ugh ! More roaring sounds ; to rid myself of the pain and embarrassment , I ripped my old journal to shreds . Even the cardboard cover was no match for my rage . I ripped it too . But for my new journal , I ripped out the first few pages that I had written , but saved the journal . I still have it today . My small bedroom floor was crammed with shredded paper in a perfect mountain . I grabbed a white trash bag and filled it with my judgmental thoughts and closed minded feelings . By the time I was finished , my mom was home . I grabbed the bag and marched out of the apartment and through the front door , straight to the dumpster . When I returned , shaking , red faced , and exhausted ; my mom hugged me . I stayed away from church for seven years . Even though she made me quit church , and I 'm sure it 's frowned upon , but in a way I 'm grateful . I really did see the world as a horrible crazy sinful place , which it is , but I didn 't understand it . Now I understand it , but have a Christian worldview instead . I 'm no longer judgmental , closed minded , or a hypocrite . I 'm a part of this horrible crazy sinful place . January 24 , 2012 by starla I feel guilty for eating peanut m & m 's that I have literally craved for several days . Not just crave , I mean I think about them before I fall asleep crave . Why am I dreaming about peanut m & m 's all of a sudden ? I don 't get it . My dear husband brought home a ginormous bag of dark chocolate peanut m & m 's . I am painfully indulging ; or am I binging ? Can I really take the blame for these calories ? Or blame it on the ridiculously delicious peanut m & m 's for throwing themselves at me before I fall asleep . This is not the first time I have been attacked by a craving . During our " recession , " my mom and I craved nacho cheese chips and jalapeΓ±o cheddar cheese sauce . We could actually put down the whole bag and can of cheese sauce in no time at all . ( Okay , I still do . ) Where did I learn this behavior ? My mom . Of course . Even before I was born , my older sisters in their elementary and middle school years , bragged about how my mom could put a whole nacho cheese chip , with dip , in her mouth . Amazing . I eat , just like my mom . I don 't succumb to this behavior very often , because it would be deadly . I do not buy chips and dip , unless it is requested at a party , and if there is some left , I will bring it home and polish it off . I literally cannot help myself . I know it 's bad and physically unhealthy , but I am proud that my family now brags about how I can put a whole chip in my mouth . January 24 , 2012 by starla When I went to high school , thrift stores were cool . T - shirts that made no sense became funny and no poor teenager could beat the price of only a few dollars or less . I was a thrift store junkie . My mom and I were dirt poor . Eviction notices taped to our door , no electricity , and scarcely any food , we were poor ; dirt poor . Never fear ! For some pocket change , I could update my wardrobe periodically . During our " recession , " I managed to get a waitressing job at a family owned Italian restaurant . It was authentic , and yes the family was Italian as could ever be . I loved working there and the money was just right for my modest lifestyle . That 's when I discovered thrift store t - shirts . My main focus was the little boy section . Yes , little boy section . Our scarce pantry allowed me to stay trim ; very trim . For 25 cents I could get a little boy 's t - shirt that displayed some action figure or a travel destination . I made sure to stretch my money as far as it could go . I once spent over an hour trying to spend five dollars . I managed to get three items , of which I still own today , one I still wear . Pretty good buy if you ask me . My mom and I would spend hours combing the aisles at our local thrift store . We would spend majority of that time trying on clothes ; hundreds of clothes . One very stressful occasion , I had a baby in tow . It was my weekend with the lifelike baby doll from child development class . She was a screaming dark skinned newborn with a vengeance . As I walked around embarrassed by the screaming child , my mom and I tried effortlessly to calm her down . This doll required a key to be placed in the dolls back and then turned when she cried . I put the key in , turned it and nothing . The baby kept crying . I held the key forever rocking the baby , patting the baby , even singing to the baby ; like it could hear me . The baby kept crying . Finally the baby cooed and went to sleep . On a side note , the baby turned out to be a baby exposed to crack while in the womb . That explained everything . Being as poor as we were , it was short lived . Our electricity was off for two full weeks , the eviction notices didn 't stop and we ended up renting a house for free in a nearby city , but the pantry always stayed scarce . We just never had any money . Mom worked as an aid for a family with an elderly man who could no longer take care of himself but didn 't want to go to a nursing home . She worked full - time for them and fell in love with the family paying no mind to the modest paycheck ; she was happy with that job . I worked at the Italian restaurant for two years which allowed me to purchase some food , keep gas in my car , and purchase little boy t - shirts from thrift stores . Thrift stores also have come in handy for many more needs in my life . Random dishes , gently used of course , stocked my cabinets when I first went out on my own . My roommate when I was 18 did a great job stocking our kitchen , but when she moved out , it was my turn to stock the kitchen ; so I went digging for thrift store treasures . Hand crafted coffee cups are my still favorite thing to hunt for . My collection ranges from hand painted mugs to hand crafted works of art . Shot glasses , glass wear , and skillets also make up my collection . Majority of the cooking wear in my kitchen came from thrift stores 7 - 10 years ago . What a treasure ! I love things that last long . My mom always loved buying clothes from thrift stores . Some of the things she would find looked like something already in her closet that she 'd worn for years . Faded oversized t - shirts , jeans with holes and worn bottoms , tank tops , and jean shorts were her favorite clothes to buy . She also enjoyed the book selection . Tall crates full of books waist high would be scattered in the back half of the store . Mom would dig in looking for self - help books . Her collection included books on how to apply make - up and look like a model , how to lose weight , what you should eat to avoid cancer , how to keep your plants looking fabulous , how to crochet , everything you need to know about dogs , money , how to look younger , how to work out . Although majority of her books are outdated and dusty , it really paints a picture of who she was as a person . For instance , my mom loved to sit on the floor in front of a tall , leaning wall mirror and apply her make - up for hours . She would do it in such a slow charismatic way as if she were having a long conversation with the woman in the mirror . She would roll thick heavy sections of her coarse brown hair around large hot pink and red curlers . Smoke a cigarette . Pluck her eyebrows . Curl her bangs . Smoke a cigarette . Curl her eye lashes . Pluck any stray hairs on her face . Smoke a cigarette . Apply eye shadow . Smear on mascara , lots of mascara . Smooth on foundation . Dab blush . Glide powder over her face . Spread pale pink gloss over her lips , blot once , smooth lips together and smile . She would then take her hands up to her hair and flip her bangs on either side , to make them stick out by her eyes . Smoke a cigarette . Mom always worried about her weight . She was never fat and always at a healthy weight for her age and height . We both seemed to be linked when it came to our weight , even after we went our separate ways . When she lost weight , I lost weight . When I gained weight , she gained weight . She was obsessed with trying new fad diets and investing money on pills , shakes , videos , and equipment that would only keep her interest for a few months until it was tossed aside . Mom was also a health nut , well I guess not the kind that actually is healthy , but the kind that is unhealthy but always researching how to be healthy . She liked researching different foods and how it helped make you healthy . She especially loved plants , such as fruits and vegetables . She became especially intrigued by pineapple and started growing one four years ago . I have it now . She told me it takes seven years for a pineapple to grow . I guess I will see if she 's right in three years . Mom loved her plants like children . She talked to them and cared for them every day . Plucking leaves , repotting mature starts , watering with grower ; these weren 't the only ways my mom cared for her plants . She understood them . She understood their light temperaments , their behavior pattern for growing , and their water intake . I have 17 of her plants and more to come my way as my grandma replants starts from some of my mom 's plants . I must be honest , I don 't talk to them , I barely remember to water them , and I have no idea how much light or water each one is supposed to have or when to repot them . I don 't even know their biological names . I wish I had had more of an interest in horticulture because maybe I would know how to continue caring for her other children . All the books my mom had in her collection relate to her life in some way . She loved to crochet and made me a large white blanket with pink doily trim , and little green baskets holding pink flowers all over the blanket . She did it all by crocheting . She also made me a matching blanket and pillow for my doll . I still have the blanket and my step - daughter has the doll blanket and pillow . I will cherish them always . My mom had a lot of dog books because she was a dog groomer and liked to learn about different breeds , different styles , and tools to use . Mom also read a lot about money , probably because she never had any . I never knew mom as well as I think I know her now . Her life was one of dreams and wonders that she loved to read about and plan . Majority of them never were started , but some of her plans worked out . She was very thrifty and taught me to live life no matter what the circumstances . Even when we were dirt poor , we still had fun and laughed a lot . She taught me to always preserver even when I feel like giving up . January 18 , 2012 by starla I have always been raised loving music . My dad is a well known musician in our community and surrounding communities . My maternal grandfather was also a well known musician . My dad 's family still owns a music store , repairing stringed instruments . My mom loved her radio and blasted it every time I was with her . We always had " favorite " songs . During one summer in middle school , my mom 's favorite song would come on and the very next song would be mine . It happened several times . We would giggle with joy , crank the volume , and sing our hearts out ; windows down and all . The passion for music only grew as I got older . Since mom has passed , I have been hearing nothing but her favorite songs on the radio . I tell myself its how she connects with me down on earth . I know she has no control over the radio stations and what they play , but it sure seems ironic that all her favorite songs are constantly being played on the radio ; or she just had great taste in music . This song made another appearance while I was driving my mom and my aunt from Texas to a nearby hospital to be with my maternal grandma as she underwent brain surgery to remove a 3 . 3 cm tumor behind her right eye . My mom was very advanced in her lung cancer at that time and her color was starting to change from an Indian tan to a pasty gray . All worries aside , we headed to the hospital , when " What 's Up " came on the radio . All three of us belted out , " Hey yea a yeaaa , hey yea a yeaaa , I said hey , what 's going on ? ! " Brought goosebumps to my arms ; it was magical . Although my grandma 's five hour surgery went perfect , my mom 's heart began to race half way through the day . Luckily we were at a hospital , so we just wheeled her down to the ER . It was there they discovered fluid around her heart . Little bits of her 9 . 9 cm tumor at the top of left lobe was moving and irritating the sac around her heart forming fluid . When she arrived at the ER , her heart rate was 174 . The normal is 50 - 100 . They dismissed her from ER after monitoring her for five hours . I put in a 14 hour day that day at the hospital . Head throbbing I brought my mom home to rest . The next morning , her home health nurse stopped by to drain fluid from a catheter that stuck out in between her ribs on her left side , that drained the fluid from the sac around her lung . The nurse took one look at her and her vitals and called her oncologist . I drove my mom to the ER immediately . It was noon . I left the ER at midnight when she was finally wheeled to a room . All I could think about was going to bed so I could get back there as soon as possible . I put in a 12 hour day at the hospital . Due to the exhaustion , I over slept and made it to my mom around 11 am . I walked in , laid my bag down that housed books , magazines and snacks , and walked out straight to the nurses ' station . Something was wrong . I swallowed my tears and began to describe what I saw . " Is she on some new meds ? She is acting really drugged and lethargic . She could barely open her eyes to talk to me . Her breakfast is still there , which shows me she is not eating . Can you just tell me what 's wrong ? " It may have been ? " Okay , well I don 't think she should have that anymore , because she can 't even function as a person . Just last night she was sitting up in bed talking to me , now she can barely open her eyes . " I left in a flurry and headed back to her room , where I found her just the way I left her ; asleep . I curled up in the chaise lounge with a book and a blanket and tried to read . I read the same pages over and over again because my mind was with my mom , not in the story . I kept thinking about her behavior and how it was so much different than yesterday . Fed up with the nonsense in my mind , I called my dad 's sister - in - law who is a hospice nurse to ask for her advice on what I should do . I felt like the doctors didn 't understand my nervousness . I didn 't sleep a wink that night . I put together two chairs and some pillows to make me a comfy spot right next to my mom , my head at her feet and my feet at her head . My mom 's boyfriend and her sister from Texas each slept in a chaise lounge that pulled out in a bed . As they snored along with the humming fan , I sat there and stared at her , watching her breathe . Every once in a while she would open her eyes and reach out her hand to me ; I would lean up a little to squeeze her cold , long skinny fingers . I swallowed large crocodile tears that tugged on my hangy - down - ball - thingy not wanting to give up the fight . As she held on to my fingers , she would moan and gently move her head , still not opening her eyes . I felt that something was wrong . I leapt out of my cocoon of blankets and pillows and ran outside into the hall where her heart monitor was posted . Her heart rate had shot up to 161 . I ran , not walked , to the nurses ' station to get help . She was already on her way down . The on - call doctor stuck mini circles on her chest with tape , hooked up to a heart monitor that rested on the table next to her . Several times throughout the night , the monitor beeped loudly as her heart rate shot back up to the 160 's and then back down to low 100 's . Mom would moan gently , but never work up . I never slept . The next day was the busiest and most stressful day I experienced at the hospital with my mom . Running on no sleep , I was beyond drained . I had managed to hold back any emotion in front of my mom . At that point my aunt from Texas called relatives in the surrounding areas to get to the hospital to see my mom , things were not looking good . As the room filled with family , I slipped out for some fresh air . " Can we talk in the hall ? " I asked them . My mom was a nervous - nelly and did not want to know anything about her condition . I had to sneak around and speak to the doctors away from my mom so as not to worry her . As I listened to them explain the surgery and the severity of her condition , my mom simply covered her face and cried silently , agreeing that she should have the surgery . I sat there in silence fighting back fear and emotion . I was furioius . When we got to the hall , it all came out . " I don 't think my mom can handle the surgery . She hasn 't eaten in four days and is very weak . Is this really necessary ? " I sobbed and shook as they again told me how serious her condition was and that they needed to operate . The conversation got so intense that we had to find a break room where we could discuss the situation in private . I was convinced she would die in surgery . I knew she was getting close to death , and I just wanted her to pass peacefully at the family home in the country where she wanted to pass , and not during heart surgery . At the end of the conversation , I was unclear if they were going to conduct the surgery or not . So I left my mom with family and once again stepped out for fresh air . While I was outside , my sisters arrived with my paternal grandma carrying pizza , sheet cake , cookies , and veggies . These are my half - sisters as I am my mom 's only child . We ate as I described what happened after the EKG . They agreed with me that this was a far too risky operation . " What ? MOM ! Really ? You agreed to the surgery ? ! " I voiced my emotion for the first time in two months , since the doctors found the tumor . " Well , Jessie ! What do you want me to do ? ! Give up ? ! I 'm not ready to die ! I 'm having the surgery ! " My mom screamed at me the best she could , finally voicing her emotion since she arrived at the hospital four days ago . I sat in the chaise lounge , arms folded , tears rolling down my cheeks , and I pouted . I followed her down as they wheeled her to the surgery floor . I sat in the waiting room choking back tears , imagining how pitiful I must look . Make - up cried off , bags the size of suitcases , hair a greasy disheveled mess . I was heart - broken and numb . They finally called me back to sit with her as they prepped and got her ready for surgery . I just sat in silence in a chair so close to the head of the bed , my mom couldn 't see me . I cried silently , angry at her for doing the surgery . At that point I had been at the hospital for 28 hours and was not thinking clearly . I wasn 't taking into account that mom should at least attempt the surgery and have faith that she would pull through . " No , mom I don 't . I have a bad feeling you won 't make it through . You already can 't breathe and they want to put you fully under for this surgery . It 's not like the other one for your catheter , this one you are fully under . " I started crying hysterically . The surgeon defended me and told my mom there were great risks and it was normal for me to have this fear . As they wheeled her out of the room and down the hall , we held hands and locked eyes until I couldn 't go any further . I don 't know who was crying harder , me or my mom . The waiting room slowly emptied as I slept on a hard stained couch . When I awoke , my husband , pastor , and my mom 's boyfriend were with me . We tried to carry on conversations , but the effort wasn 't there . After a couple of hours , they came to get me ; she had pulled through but was going straight to ICU for monitoring . The nurse that led me to the ICU was the same nurse that had helped my mom through all her surgeries she had within the past month . She was a middle aged woman with short silver hair that was just coming back from her stint of breast cancer . She had won her battle , and worked everyday helping others fight theirs . " I know , " I mumbled , through wet lips , salty from tears . " I just don 't want anyone to sugar coat anything anymore . It seems all these doctors tell me what they think I want to hear . But I don 't want to hear sugar coated lies , I want to know the truth . " I told her trying to sound confident . " She 's too weak for chemo . Her body won 't respond to it like it should . I 'm sorry . " We hugged and she led me through to my mom . Her bed was large and up high . The whole back of the bed was attached to tubes and monitors that were lined above her head , hanging from the ceiling . It was like an outer space sleigh . The ceiling was painted in an undersea scene . I felt like I was there because I kept her a bubbling sound , like a fish tank . I sat next to my sleeping mom and investigated what I saw . I had become a pro at looking at the medical equipment in order to get an idea at what the numbers meant . I had discovered what her normal numbers were for pulse , heart rate , oxygen level , and blood pressure . I watched those monitors like a soap opera memorizing every change and fluctuation . Her numbers were not the best . I also noticed a large , about the size of a quarter sea - green tube that ran out from under her gown and blanket , to a gentle vacuum at the foot of her bed . The water bubbled and made a gentle vacuum that drained the bloody red fluid from her heart . That 's where the undersea bubbles came from . I barreled out of there and allowed my other family members along with my pastor to come in and see her . She was more awake for them and was able to talk to them a little . My husband said she was adorable because she really didn 't make sense . She looked like a little girl in her dad 's big bed . That night ended just before the sunset , giving me a 32 hour stint at the hospital ; my longest . My husband and I laid in bed and watched old black and white movies . Our drained minds couldn 't handle anything with a confusing plot or fast moving pictures ; the simpler the better . I haven 't been to Texas in 10 years . I was 16 the last time I went . I 've only gone to Texas four times in my life . Since my mom 's passing , five months ago tomorrow , I have been planning a trip to Texas so my husband and 10 - year - old step - daughter can make memories down south like I did . I want them to know some of my mom 's favorite people in Texas . As I plan this trip for my family in June , it has unleashed my memories of Texas with my mom . My most memorable trip to Texas was when I was 10 years old and I got to see the Gulf of Mexico for the first time . I was more than excited to see an ocean ; living in the heart of the United States hadn 't given me much of an opportunity to see an ocean . Being fair skinned , freckled , and a redhead , I was doomed before we even got there . Mom , my step - dad , two of my cousins , and me headed for an island called Port Aransas . After a three hour drive , we were there . Before we even got to the ocean , I could smell salt in the air and see sand on the side of the road where dirt and grass should be . The land became flat and I could make out the curve of the Earth in the distance . It was breath taking . As we got to the ocean , we had to ride up on a ferry to take us to the island of Port Aransas . The island was very small and housed businesses , restaurants , and the beach ; that 's it . We parked our car right on the beach , set up chairs , lathered up with sun block , fed a flock of sea gulls , and ran for the ocean . I splashed around in the salty water for four hours before I finally came to shore . Something happens when you are out in the water . I kept drifting to the left and even though the water was still only waste high , mom and the car seemed so far away . I never got nervous , nor did I pay much attention to the creatures swimming around me . When I finally found my way to shore , the fisherman was talking to my family . When I arrived , they opened up the circle and revealed a baby shark . He had already cleaned it , but I was able to touch its smooth silky skin that had the toughness of leather . It still didn 't shock me , until I got older . We packed up and headed inland for dinner and shopping . We each got a t - shirt and ate seafood on a large covered dock . I noticed that my skin felt tight on my face , shoulders , and back . The sand inside my swimsuit was scratching and irritating me . I was accustomed to sunburns ; being a fair skinned , freckled redhead , but never had I experienced sunburn like that . After we looked for sand dollars and watched the tide shift as the sun set , we headed home . It was the longest car ride of my life . I shivered and shook from the air conditioner blowing on my red hot skin . I ran my fingers gently over my shoulders and felt squishy firm lumps ; blisters the size of dimes . I ran my fingers over my nose ; more blisters . My cheeks , forehead , ears , back of my neck ; even more blisters . I was miserable . As soon as we got back to town , my step - dad and mom stopped at Wal - Mart to pick up sunburn creams and lotions . My two cousins and I waited in the back seat , in the dark , all alone . As we were drifting in and out of sleep , we heard a crinkling sound coming from the plastic bags of shells shoved in the back window . That night I was covered in cold creams that only made me shiver more . We crashed fairly early and slept all night , and all the next day until sun set . We ate dinner , and went right back to bed ; sun poisoning . We left the next day for a 13 hour trip home . It surpassed the trip from the ocean as the worst trip , it was more miserable than that . I was uncomfortable from the seat rubbing my Port Aransas t - shirt on my blistered back ; the seatbelt irritated my burned neck and shoulder . I was so embarrassed by my blistered red face that I would even cry as we walked around gas stations , fearing everyone was looking at me and laughing . I had nightmares during the trip that my blisters were popping open and my shirt was soaked . When I awoke in a scream , my shirt was soaked ; from sweat . Whether I did or not , it still was the best memory of Texas I had with my mom . It was my first ocean experience when I was too young to fear the vast waters and all the creatures in it . The next time I go to the ocean , I won 't enjoy it as much , because I will be mindful of the creatures living within its depths and fear them ; I know too much . We have planned a trip to Port Aransas with my aunt and cousins . I can 't wait to make new memories with my husband and step - daughter the way I made memories with mom . We will skip the sunburn and blisters part , but have fun non - the - less . Memories are memories , no matter how painful , literally painful they are . To this day , I have very large freckles that outline where my swimsuit was when I was 10 years old . The freckles on my shoulders are just as big ; I freckle more now on my face than I did before my trip to Texas . Permanent skin damage you ask ? Most likely . |
Hi all ! Here is a free download for a horror novella called " Gretyl " ( at bottom of post ) . Also , if you keep scrolling , you can read it on the blog post as well . I hope you all enjoy and if you want more stories , check out my " Works " page . Feel free to share this story with friends and family and review it on Goodreads ! Germany , 1942 . Five kids find themselves lost in the forest as a storm traps them in an abandoned cottage , or at least they thought it was abandoned . They hear footsteps coming from the attic and afraid that it is someone in need , they decide to check it out only to find that who they should fear for is themselves . " You can 't be serious ; we 're lost again , Christoph ? " I exclaimed as the sun began to lower itself below the tree line . It was going to get dark soon and if we didn 't hurry , we would be stuck in the middle of nowhere without any light , supplies , or food for that matter . " Stop worrying about it , Ren , we will make it out of here by the time the sun sets , " Christoph answered , a little irritated that I had asked again . He jammed his fists into the pockets of his beige pants . He blew a piece of his dark brown hair out of his face , angry at the world . It wasn 't my fault he had gotten us lost . I told him not to listen to the jerk that was Thomas but , nein , he had to take on the dare to go to the top of the hill in the forest and check out the plane that crashed a few weeks back during the last bombing mission by the Allies . We were told not to go out there by the military officials , who were trying to keep people away from the area . We never heard if anyone survived the crash and Thomas dared my brother to go find out . Boys were stupid , daring each other to do things like this , right in the middle of a war . Our parents would be worried if we didn 't get back before nighttime , not to mention we would be in deep trouble for going into the forest . And it was all thanks to my brother Christoph . " How about you two stop arguing and figure out where we are . I swear I 've seen that patch of moss before . Are you sure we aren 't going in circles ? " our friend Kate asked as she flicked a piece of her blonde hair out of her freckled face . She wore a light blue blouse and black skirt . These past few weeks I swore she was wearing her best clothing . I wondered if it was because Christoph was leaving and she wanted him to look at her for once . I thought about asking but I never got a chance . She and her sister Ann had come with us on our little ' trip ' , along with Ann 's boyfriend Wilhelm . They were as frustrated as I was with my older brother . He was almost sixteen now and he still was as immature as our little brother Carl . Good thing he wasn 't out here with us , he would be crying a river from Christoph getting us lost . " This is a German forest , there is moss everywhere , sis , " Ann sighed as she picked the burs off her red grey dress . Her blonde hair was cut short and pinned back . I always thought she was more beautiful than her sister , but I never confessed that . " But I do remember that stump over there . " Kate smacked Christoph in the back of the head . " See , we are going around in circles . What stunt are you trying to pull ? Are you just trying to get out of going to the front ? " Ann and I chuckled as Kate had hit my brother . The two of them had been close since I could remember , but never officially started dating . Now that he was leaving for the war next week , I doubted they would ever be together . Neither of them had said anything or acted sad , but Ann and I could tell the tension was there . " The city lights should be coming on soon , " Wilhelm added as he ran his fingers through his light blonde hair . His blue eyes sparkled in the light as he smiled to the rest of us . " That will help us find which way to head as well . " " We will be out before nightfall , I will guarantee you that , " Christoph shot him a look . Wilhelm didn 't say anything but just kept following my brother , even though I was pretty sure he could figure out how to get out of here faster . It wouldn 't matter though , Christoph wouldn 't listen to him , he hated how much smarter and determined Wilhelm was than him . It was his ego that got him in this mess and it was his ego that would get us all stuck here . " I wasn 't going to let you come out here by yourself ; are you crazy ? This area is off limits to citizens , and is supposed to be haunted . What if something happened to you ? I 'd feel horrible for not coming along . " We all became quiet as we realized this could be our last adventure together . Although my brother could be annoying , I knew I would miss him . I didn 't think about the fact I could lose him , so many men had lost their lives in this war . So I followed him , in fear that this could be my last moments with him , and we found ourselves stuck in the middle of a forest . Not only would we be in trouble for not getting home on time , but also for trespassing . We never did find the plane , but just other trees and even more trees . It wasn 't worth the dare and now we were lost . Rain came pouring down in sheets , filling the forest with mud . Lightning flashed about us and thunder shook the ground . I hadn 't seen a storm this bad in a long time . We started running , Christoph taking the lead . Even after getting lost , we still for some reason considered him the leader . Maybe it was just because he was the oldest . My dress was soaked and my skin cold with the wind whipping through the trees . My dark hair was drenched and tangled . I was wearing sandals , unfortunately , making it hard to run . Mud stuck to the bottom of my soles and I nearly lost a sandal in a puddle . I wanted to cry . It was miserable and I had no idea how close we were to the town . For all we knew , we could have been moving further into the forest . I had never heard of anyone living out here , I had always thought it was all wilderness . It appeared ancient , though , the wooden frame beginning to rot away , the mortar crumbling away , and pieces of the roof were missing . The storm clouds had made the area darker than it should have been for this time of day . It felt strange , almost spooky , as the grey light fell upon this broken home . Ferns and ivy had overgrown the walls , covering any siding that hadn 't broken away . It was still standing , though , and it looked habitable enough . I had seen homes in worse condition after some of the bombings back home . We ran straight for it , the stone pathway rather slippery but thankfully I didn 't fall even as I thought I might . Moss had grown over most of it , which made it even more treacherous . Ivy and mushrooms had taken over what was once a beautiful yard , roses and carnations still poking out in places but unkept and most areas choked out by ferns and weeds . As we approached the entrance , hoping someone there could help us , all five of us pounded our fists on the door . There was no answer . Wilhelm looked into the cottage through the cracked stained - glass window . " There 's no one in there , doesn 't look like anyone has been around in years . " Ann sneezed . " I agree , Ren , we 're soaked and cold . There is no point of running around in circles through all of this . We should try and get warm . " I had a bad feeling about it , something in the back of my mind was telling me it was not a good idea . But all of them were right , we had to get out of the rain . There was something else there , too , in the back of my mind . Something familiar about this place . I shrugged it off and opened the door . Contrary to the exterior , the interior seemed to be in much better condition . The walls weren 't crumbling , the furniture was still intact , and if it weren 't for the dust everywhere , I would say someone was here recently . But the dust said otherwise every step we took disturbed it . It made Ann sneeze and my nose also started to tickle . It was dark inside , barely any light broke in from the outside from the lightning flashing outside . A stained glass window cast blue and red hues through the living room area . Wilhelm thankfully brought some matches , as he was almost old enough to be drafted into the war . He always seemed to be prepared , at least compared to my brother who was supposed to enlist in just a few days . He just had to do something stupid like this before he left . Wilhelm got one of the matches to light , and we found a usable candle on a small table . Now that we could see , we found ourselves in the living room area . In the corner was a fireplace and two couches . A giant rug laid on the floor , stains in the form of dark drops were splattered across it . The dim light made it hard to tell what caused them . A door led to a small kitchen on the left and on the right stairs led up to a second story . A few glass cabinets were spaced out through the living room , full of fine china and silver . I was surprised that the place hadn 't been robbed , especially since the door had been unlocked . We all pondered on that thought as the storm persisted outside . The thunder shook the windows and I was surprised they didn 't shatter . Oddly enough , they didn 't seem as broken as they did outside . On the contrary , they appeared in perfect condition . Rain still came pouring down . I wandered around the living room , looking at all the china and silver the mystery person so many years ago collected . They were beautiful , something you would only see in a museum . Different types of flowers were painted on their edges and , surprisingly , the colors were still as bright as it probably was the day it was made . The silver was also spectacular . Each piece was carefully engraved with flowers or animals on them . I remembered my parents having some silver like this before the war started . They sold the pieces to help with money issues we were dealing with . Ann and Wilhelm stayed on the couch , watching the windows as the storm persisted outside . Kate and Christoph were both wandering around the first floor , which mostly consisted of this room and the kitchen . I watched as they went in the kitchen as Kate gently placed her hand in Christoph 's . He shrugged . " It 's the truth . He should have acted on his feelings a long time ago if he really cared for her . If he does it now he 's only going to bring her pain . " Wilhelm was right , but I couldn 't help but feel bad for my brother . I knew he liked Kate , he had for a long while . He was just always afraid to hurt her . I sighed and leaned back in the couch . This wasn 't the time or the place . We needed to get home . Christoph and Kate came out of the kitchen , smiling and laughing . Kate had her fingers intertwined with Christoph 's . They took a seat on the other couch . We sat there and watched the rain hit the colored glass . There wasn 't any break in the rain and it didn 't seem to be letting up . The sun began to set and we were surrounded by total darkness . Christoph pointed towards a barrel . Inside were at least ten pieces of wood . " That should hold us up through the night , hopefully . Luckily Wilhelm has some matches and we should be able to find some paper around here . How about you three look for paper while the two of us start getting the wood ready ? " I glanced at Ann and Kate and they shrugged . I had no idea where to look for paper , but figured searching the drawers would be our best bet . I opened a few drawers to find nothing but dust and some utensils . There were some old tools and coins , but I didn 't see anything that could be used to make a fire . Giving up on the living room , I decided to check the kitchen for any type of book . Opening up cupboards , I found more dishes and utensils . Whoever lived her must have loved to cook . In one cabinet , a large dusty book laid waiting . I grabbed it As I walked over , I flipped through the book . There weren 't any pictures or drawings , this book was old . I opened it up to a page . It was a recipe for a roast , but what kind of roast , I wasn 't sure . Before I could read any of the ingredients , Christoph ripped the page out . " It 's a cookbook , we have plenty at home . " He threw the paper into the fireplace . Wilhelm used his matches and started up the fire . It wasn 't long before we had a roaring fire going and we were all sitting next to the fireplace , trying to stay warm . Ann , Kate , and I tried to dry our hair a bit , not wanting to catch a cold . Mine had definitely started tangling . It hurt as I ran my fingers through , trying to straighten it out . I probably looked like a mess , but at least I was with my friends who wouldn 't care . They didn 't look too great at the moment either . " I don 't know , " Kate smiled . " This could be our only chance for telling stories in an actual scary situation . It could be a lot of fun . " That wasn 't our imagination , there was something upstairs . It sounded large , almost human - like . It reminded me of the sounds my little brother made when he was running back and forth on the second floor of our house . I gulped , the feeling of dread spreading through my veins . " You all heard that , oder ? " The clomping stopped and we heard a loud creak that made me shiver . There was no evidence of anyone living here and we had been there for at least an hour , it couldn 't have been a person . They would have already noticed us here . " Ja , we should leave it up there and stay safe down here , " Kate said . " Besides , I don 't think it 's a bear ; bears don 't sound like that when they walk . Those were definitely footsteps . " " Either way , we should check it out . If it 's a person that needs help , we should do something , shouldn 't we ? Who 's coming ? " Wilhelm asked . We all nodded , none of us wanting to be the only person staying by themselves by the fire . If Wilhelm was right , it could be someone who needed help . They could be trapped upstairs and luckily we came when we did . We crept up the stairs , the wood creaking under our feet . My heart was pounding in my chest and I could hardly breath . I wondered what could be making that thumping noise , and whether or not it was a threat to us . We got to the top of the stairs . Wilhelm used his flashlight to look around . The only thing at the top of the stairs was one door . I looked around at the dust on the ground . There weren 't any signs of footprints . We decided to check the room . Slowly , Christoph opened it . The room was similar to the downstairs . In perfect condition if it weren 't for all the dust . Two small beds had their headboards against the wall and small nightstands stood next to them . There were some stuffed animals , a bear , rabbit , and mouse , on one of the beds . The other bed was plain . There was a closet to one side . the door open revealing clothes for a boy and girl . " Because why wouldn 't whoever was living here take their stuff with them ? If I moved as a child , I would have taken my stuffed animals with me , " I explained as I picked up the bear . It stared back at me with it 's black threaded eyes . " Ja , because we already established mice wear shoes and walk around , " I added . " And as I was saying , this room is also strange because where is the parent 's room ? This accounts for all the rooms in the cottage and I didn 't see any master bedrooms . " We stood there silent , pondering on the thought . I knew I was right , that it was odd for a cottage to have a bedroom for children but not for the parents . The room was also large , larger than a bedroom usually was for children . It could have been easily cut in half into two rooms , one for the children and the other for the parents . I found it completely strange . Dust came crumbling off of the ceiling . We stared up at it , silent . There was an attic . What could get worse than a strange noise coming from an attic , I didn 't know . All I knew is that I didn 't want to go up there and whatever it was could stay there . " Or what if it needs help ? " Christoph asked . " We should check it out , I think I saw the entrance to the attic in the hallway . " Wilhelm let out a deep breath . " Fine , but the two of us go up first to make sure it is fine for the girls . I don 't want them to get hurt up there . " Christoph nodded . As we turned back to the hallway , I noticed something strange on the door . Indentations marked up the corner of the wood . " Are those β¦ Are those scratch marks on the frame of the door ? " I just stared at them , trying to figure out what could have made them . It looked almost like an animal , but the markings were too fat . They almost appeared to be made from human nails . Why would someone do that ? What was in here that made a person scratch at the door . " Right . So we should go check out the attic , " Christoph started into the hallway . The others followed and I reluctantly did as well . He was right , if a person was trapped up there , it was our duty to help them . Christoph pulled down the attic door . The ladder came sliding down at us . Ann and I let out a little scream as we jumped back out of the way before it hit us . Each of us poked our head to look up at the dark , dank room . I shot him a look , as did Wilhelm . He followed my brother up the ladder and after a few moments , they signaled to us that it was okay . The three of us followed them up the ladder into the attic . " It 's not our stuff , Christoph . Put it back , " I growled as I peered around the attic . I couldn 't believe we had come up here , it was creepy . He waved me off . " I wasn 't going to take it , I was just commenting . Oh , look at this one , " he picked up an item that appeared to be a doll house . Ann and Kate started searching through some of the boxes as well . I rubbed my forehead . " We are stuck here , might as well check these things out . There are some pretty nice things . Look at this doll , I haven 't seen anything like it , " Ann held up the doll . It looked like one of the old handmade rag dolls children had before the turn of the century , it 's dress faded with time and her face needing to be repainted . " That 's β¦ Creepy . We should really be getting back downstairs , I don 't like being up here , " I glanced around . Most of the things in the boxes appeared to be for children and I didn 't want to know why . There were tea sets , building blocks , all sorts of dolls and stuffed animals . It was a children 's haven here , if it weren 't for how scary it was . As we begun to turn back , Christoph started for the one box that stood out from the rest . A little blue box , about one foot by one foot by one foot . A perfect little cube . It was clean , untouched by all the dust that covered everything else in the room . It almost appeared to glow . The four of us gasped as we watched the image become clearer . It was a small little girl , coming up to about Christoph 's waist . She had a little dress on , it was blue , aged , and torn . Her hair was blond , matted , and tangled beyond repair . She looked like a doll that hadn 't been cared for in decades , thrown around in a closet never to be seen again . Her face was scratched , dirty , pieces of flesh seeming to be missing on her skin . Her eyes were blacker than the night that surrounded us . We all pointed at the girl behind him . He turned around and jumped back when he saw her . Christoph scrambled to where the rest of us were and stared at her . Her head twitched sideways as she moved . As she opened her mouth , it appeared as if her jaw was disjointed from her skull . Like only a string of flesh was keeping it connected . We screamed . We screamed bloody murder as each of us hurried down the ladder , down the stairs , and towards the front door . Forget the storm , we didn 't care anymore . Whatever was in this cottage wasn 't worth the shelter from the rain . As we got to the door , Wilhelm tried to open it only to find it was locked . He tried to ram it open but it wouldn 't budge . It resisted all the force that he put on it . " It 's stuck ! " he yelled as he kept pushing . Christoph pushed him out of the way and tried for himself . It didn 't work , nothing worked . Wilhelm and Christoph nodded and grabbed one of the wooden chairs and threw it at the window in living room . It smacked into the window and bounced off , shattering the wood into splinters . The window was completely unharmed . " We 're trapped , " I covered my mouth , tears beginning to form in my eyes . I had never been so terrified in my entire life . This was something out of a ghost story . Nothing like this actually happened in real life , at least not that I knew of . Wilhelm hugged Ann as she began to start crying as well . Christoph placed his hand on Kate 's shoulder and squeezed it . " We will find a way , don 't you worry . Everything will be fine . " " Then how did β¦ " I began , but I didn 't want to know the answer . I didn 't even want to think about it . I rubbed my head , wishing that I had never listened to him in the first place . We were all going to die and it was his fault . " You mean like when you said what is the harm in looking in the attic ? Then that creature came out of nowhere and attacked us ? " Kate asked . " It 's cookies , " he stated . The four of us rushed over and looked inside . Sure enough there were at least a dozen ginger cookies inside . Christoph reached inside . " So you are willing to eat from a box that appeared in the middle of the forest in an attic with a little girl ghost ? " Wilhelm said . " Think these things through , Christoph , I can 't keep watching your back . " " This isn 't the first time you have let your ego get in the way of making a good decision and last time I had to get you out of it as well . Now here we are , trapped in a cottage in the middle of the forest with some type of demon ghost child screaming at us . You don 't deserve to fight for this country . You should just back down and be the coward that you truly are . " " Stop it , now ! " I yelled . " We are in a bad situation , you two don 't need to make it worse . If any of us got hurt , we would have no way of getting help . We are locked in here . Alles klar ? Trapped until who knows when . So stop it ! " A crash of thunder shook the cottage , making each of us jump a few feet . I groaned . The storm wasn 't letting up , not that it mattered . We couldn 't get out of this cottage , or at least not yet . I hoped something would happen so we could leave , a tree crashing down , breaking the door down or a window . Anything , really . I shuddered at the thought of going back upstairs . " But that 's where that thing was . We can 't risk going back up there , oder ? " It was quiet . Eerily quiet , unlike before . We climbed the stairs . The wood didn 't creak as it did before , the sounds from the attic were gone and I swore I couldn 't even hear a rain drop hit the roof . The only sound I could hear was the sound of us breathing and my heart pounding in my chest . Once we reached the top of the stairs , we opened the bedroom once again . It was the same as it was , eerie and silent . The beaded eyes of the stuffed animals stared up at me as we walked towards the window . Christoph and Wilhelm picked up one of the small tables and tossed it at the window . It did the same as the window downstairs and didn 't budge . Wilhelm punched it . Nothing . I felt my anger begin to boil inside . " It was you who got us lost , it was you who took on that stupid boy 's bet , and it was you who said we would be fine in this cottage . For all of them , I told you not to . Why can 't you ever listen to me ? " A cool breeze swept through the room , chilling me to the bone . It didn 't feel just like cool air , but something not of this world . I turned to find the little girl next to the bed . Her movements were jerky as she clawed at her own skin , blood running down her arms . Her head twitched back and forth , her jaw appearing disconnected . I could see part of her skull as flesh appeared to be missing , rotted away with time . I wanted to look away , but I couldn 't in fear of what she might do . " Can 't get out , can never get out . Can 't get out , she will never let us out , " she repeated as she grabbed her head and pulled at her hair . Pieces of it came out and fell to the ground . " Never leave , can never leave . Forever will go by and we will never leave , " suddenly her head jerked up . " Just one more sweet , that 's all I wanted . Just one more bite . " " Run ! " I screamed as we all scrambled through the door . First Christoph , then Ann , then Kate , then me β¦ The door slammed shut behind me . Christoph pushed me out of the way and tried to open the door . It had locked . We could hear Wilhelm pounding his fist against the door . Christoph kept trying to push it open but it wouldn 't budge . Christoph kept trying but the door wouldn 't budge . I heard scratching noises . I covered my mouth , now understanding what the indentations were from . This isn 't the first time this has happened in this cottage , we weren 't the first victims . " Wilhelm ! Wilhelm ! " Christoph called . All was silent . Suddenly the door gave and creaked open to reveal nothing but the room . Nothing seemed to be disturbed . " What are we going to do ? We have to find him , " Ann began tearing up . " We can 't just leave him wherever he is . " I grabbed her by the arms . " It 's okay , we will figure this out . Don 't worry about it . We will find him . " Ann started sobbing . I peered around but I saw no trace as to where Wilhelm went . There was no evidence of him even being there . Everything was back to normal , even the table that they threw at the window . " Christoph , the table , " I pointed at it . " It 's back to normal . It doesn 't even look damaged . Didn 't one of the legs break off when you threw it at the window ? " We kept searching around for any clues as to where Wilhelm had gone . My arms shook as I pulled back the blankets on each bed . There was nothing there . I checked the large toy chests but there was still nothing . Christoph opened the closet door , then quickly shut it again . " I think we should head back down stairs . " There Wilhelm was , hanging on a piece of rope , knives piercing through his flesh , red liquid dripping down the handles . His blonde hair was darkened by the blood from the incisions on his scalp . His eyes were open , lifeless . I pulled Ann back away from the closet and closed the door . We needed to get out of the room before the girl came back and did the same thing to the rest of us . Her body was trembling as I forced her to walk . Hurrying back down the stairs , we got away from the room and the closet where Wilhelm hung . Christoph went straight for the front door , but it still wouldn 't budge . I tried myself a few times but there was no way out . It felt like it was made of steel . Christoph pounded his fist on it again and again as Ann kept crying . There was no use , both of us knew . After a while , he gave up trying . He grabbed another cookie and came to sit next to Ann , Kate , and I . I thought about telling him to stop eating the cookies , but I knew it wouldn 't have mattered . He would just ignore me , just like he had been the entire night . He crunched down on the cookie , the sound echoing through the room . The storm was still going strong outside , thundering shaking the cottage and lightning creating shadows throughout . We stared at the fire as it crackled and popped . I watched as the blaze of fire burn bright , the red color reminding me of the horrific scene upstairs . The red was the same color as the blood running down his face . I rubbed my eyes , trying to un - see what I had seen but it was no use . The image would forever be imprinted in my mind . I had seen a lot of horrific things through the past few years because of the war , but nothing as bad as what I had seen just now . I couldn 't believe what happened , I didn 't even understand what happened . Ghosts weren 't real , they were just part of stories told to little kids to keep them from misbehaving and going into the woods alone . There was no way any of it could be real . We should have listened to the stories and never have taken that dare . We should have never broken the rules . All of us wanted to be out of here . We all wanted to go home . I couldn 't sit still any longer . Standing up , I started to pace around . I was shaking , everything was happening so fast , I couldn 't comprehend it all . Part of the cookbook that Christoph didn 't rip out still laid next to the fireplace . I started to flip through the pages . There were recipes for stews , broth , potpie , the list went on . It looked normal enough , but something seemed off . The ingredients didn 't make sense , I didn 't see anything about beef or chicken . Instead I swore it said something about children . Did it mean lamb ? I closed it and rubbed my head . I couldn 't think straight anymore , I needed to stop reading before I started to make more things up . There 's no way the cookbook had said children as an ingredient . Coming back to where the others sat , I wrapped my arm around Ann . Her tears were dry now but she seemed hollow , as if no one was there . Her pale skin was cold to the touch and I wondered if anything could warm her up again . She and Wilhelm were close , and if it weren 't for the war , I think they would have gotten married right out of school . But being all for the military , Wilhelm would have joined the moment he could have , just like Christoph . But unlike Christoph , Wilhelm had better judgement and probably would have survived and made it back to Ann in the long run . They would have been together eventually , but now that would never happen . My eyes began to tear up at the thought . She deserved better than this , all of us did . Even Christoph . If we stayed here , I knew , we would be fine . The girl probably stayed upstairs and if we waited it out until daylight , someone would come for us . I just hoped daylight would come soon , I had no idea what time it was even . Hopefully only a couple more hours and someone would find us . Scratch . Thump . Scratch . It was coming from underneath the stairwell . There must have been a basement that none of us knew about . My heart beat quickly in my chest . It couldn 't be possible , there couldn 't be another thing in this cursed home . I didn 't know what was worse , this or the sound that had been in the attic . We jumped off the couch and turned to find a young boy standing by the door to the outside . He came to my shoulder , probably only twelve or thirteen . He wore dark shorts and a plain white shirt covered in dark splotches . It was half tucked in and he had missed buttoning a button by the collar . One sleeve was rolled up on his right arm , revealing deep incisions along his arm . It looked as if someone had cut out parts of his flesh , leaving the bone exposed . The same was found on his thin legs . He didn 't wear shoes , his feet splintered and cut as if he had been running through a forest . His hair appeared to be lighter but matted with blood that ran down his face . His eyes were a light blue , wide open , and I didn 't see him blink once as we stood there . We screamed and scrambled towards the closest exit , which was the door to the basement . The boy had blocked us from all of the other exits and we knew we couldn 't stay up there with him . Our best bet was to lock him out of the basement , even though the sound had been coming from down there . One problem at a time . Christoph quickly shut the door between us and the boy . We heard as the boy stabbed at the door , trying to get to us . Christoph pushed on the door , making sure he couldn 't come through . After a few moments the boy stopped and no noise came from the other side . We didn 't dare open it , in fear that he could still be there . Pulling out the flashlight , Christoph shined it down the stairs . It was damp down here , the rain from outside leaking inside and flooding the basement . It smelt like mold and I could hardly breath . It was different from the rest of the cottage , as if it had aged faster . It was as if this was its true self . The stench made me want to gag , I could taste death down here . It wasn 't just the mold , there was something else in here . We stood there , staring down the stairs with the flashlight . Although it brought light , it still looked like a dark abyss down there . None of us wanted to go down there but neither did we want to face that boy . " There 's a boy with a knife out there . I 'm not going back . As for the basement , there could be a way out . There is only one way to find out , " she started back down the stairs . None of us could look away from the horror we were staring at . I could make out at least five bodies at the bottom of the stairwell . Their flesh had been ripped of their bones , only chunks of it left . The bones were yellow , covered in flies and maggots as they fed on the rest of the meat . I realized that was what the stench was . I covered my mouth to keep from screaming again . I was sick of this place , I was tired with all the death we were finding . I wanted to go home , I wanted to forget all of it . Something below us started moving . I froze as Christoph shined the light on it . It appeared to be human - like , dark wavy hair and black cloth draped across her body . She moved on all fours , creeping around like a spider . Her hair hung in front of her face . My heart beat faster as she tilted her head up at us . Her eyes were black , yet glowing . She bared her fangs , growling . Red liquid began to drip down the teeth , as if she had just been feeding . I gulped , hoping we weren 't next on the menu . Slowly I started to step back up the stairs . Christoph , Kate , and Ann did the same . Suddenly the creature bolted up the stairs at us . We screamed and hurried back to the first floor . The creature was too fast though , and grabbed Kate by the ankle . It dragged her down the stairs . " Nein , you would both be dead . I had to save someone , " I said . " It was too fast , she was gone the moment it grabbed her . " We tried to ignore the thumping that came as her body was drug down the stairs . The creature growled and we could hear its gargles as it feasted on Kate . Ann went to the corner of the room and threw up . I felt as if I were going to do the same . I tried the front door again but no luck . It was still solid as a rock . The boy was no where to be found . I didn 't even find evidence that he was there , but I knew he couldn 't have been a figment of our imagination . We had all seen him , we all heard what he had said . What did he mean by that , I wondered . I pondered on this thought , trying to keep my mind occupied and not think about the two friends I had already lost . I had to keep Ann and Christoph safe and the only way to do that was to keep a clear head . " She 's right , " Ann added as she had finally stopped throwing up . " You look heavier . I don 't know how , but you do . " I glanced around . the lighting hadn 't appeared any different than earlier . We huddled around the fire , praying nothing else would attack us . Christoph kept munching on cookies and I was surprised he hadn 't run out . I didn 't know how , but the box still appeared to be full . " How will morning fix anything ? Will it change us being stuck here and what happened β¦ " I covered my mouth , holding back the tears . Kate and Wilhelm were dead . For all we knew , none of us would make it out alive . " But he 's not here anymore is he ? We just will have to deal with it if it happens . There is no point of worrying about it , " Christoph took another bite of a cookie . I rolled my eyes as I glanced around . There on the kitchen table was the cookbook . I thought it was still in the living room . Looking at the page it was opened to , I gasped . " Tick , tock , tick , tock , the blood begins to boil , " two voices said in unison behind us . We spun around to find the boy and little girl standing there , holding up knives . " You woke her up , now you must feed the Hexe . " " We are going to be killed by two little kids that look like something out of a ghost story ! I 'm not being ridiculous ! " I yelled back . Hanzel and Gretyl started coming closer and we began to back up towards the pot . It was a stupid thing to do because the fire was burning hot . I felt my skin burn with every inch that I got closer to it . He looked back and forth at us and the two children . Without warning , he charged at them with his knife . Stabbing the knife at them , his hand went through their bodies , as if they weren 't of this world , yet their knives were real . They stabbed Christoph and pushed him into the boiling pot . " Nein ! " I screamed . The cauldron began to boil increasingly harder and harder . The bubbles covered his body as it heated up . Christoph 's body floated to the top , blood spilling out of his wounds . I covered my mouth , tasting the bile that was coming up into my mouth . Ann grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the kitchen and towards the door . I didn 't know what the use would be , but we had to try once more . We turned the knob . We ran into the forest , the storm still persisting . We didn 't care which way we were running , we just wanted out of there . We just wanted away from that little cottage in the middle of the forest . " Ren , Ren ! Are you okay , " I heard a voice call me out of the darkness . My eyes flickered open to find my mother 's face in front of me . " I 'm so sorry we went into the forest , we didn 't mean to get lost . And there was the storm and the cottage β¦ " I began . I stared at her , confused . I remembered a storm , there was no way it could have been my imagination . " Yes there was , it was raining last night . " " Nein , it was clear . We were bombed last night and a couple hit out here . When we found out that you and the others had been out here , we came looking for you . " I glanced over to find Ann with her parents . She looked as confused as I did . Was it all a dream ? I looked around and found no trace of the cottage in the woods , just trash from the bomb that hit . I would like to thank my friends and family for helping me with this project . Thank you to Justin at A Bibiliophile 's Reverie for formatting and Desiree DeOrto for the cover . Special thank you to my writing group for helping develop the story , my father for editing , and my husband who has helped me with every project I have ever done . Let me introduce myself , my name is Dani Hoots and I am a writer , blogger , artist , photographer , cosplayer , and a full out geek . I have a BS in Anthropology and a Masters of Urban and Environmental Planning . I love studying about human rights , environmental problems , and how we should deal with dilemmas such as conservation and bringing nature back into cities , but that 's all for another blog . This blog , I am going to focus on my thoughts and interactions of everything geek , nerd , and dork related along with my writing experience ! I grew up in the 90s when we had amazing shows like X - MEN , X - MEN evolution , Pokemon , DragonBall , Sailor Moon , Trigun , Tenchi , and so many others . I will talk about shows , games , movies , anime , manga , books , whether or not Star Wars 7 is going to be any good . I will post pictures of comicons I attend , cosplays that I will do , some cool astrophysics stuff , and occasionally write about my stories on kindle , and some day my novels . I will also review manga , anime , shows , movies , and games here . I hope you enjoy what I say and if not , well , too bad . # AuthorsOnly Come celebrate with the # ConfettiQueen and enter for your chance to # WIN ! # CoverDesign # GiftCard rafflecopter . com / rafl / display / b β¦ 1 month ago |
Really weird LD I just woke from . I walk into my house , try to turn on the lights , they don 't come on and I become lucid . I start to hear some weird sounds and walk over to an area right by my TV and kneel down because I see what looks like to be a stuffed , dirty clown . This is the part that really freaks me out . . . In a lot of dreams I have , it 's like I want to be possessed by some negative energy and it 's starting to freak me out because I would NEVER attempt something like this in real life . It 's weird , at any random point in any random dream I just get this thirst for supreme rule and turn to evil . It just happens unconsciously , it 's hard to explain . Then usually I wake up , as I did with the clown when it started to move . I actually think this also happened in a sporadic OBE a long time ago . I got the same feeling and urge , then a floating white thing ( maybe a skull , idk ) picked me up and took me to my bedroom . I 've tried to figure out all logical solutions to this , maybe in our unconscious we all have this animal - like urge to be the dominant creature , and would in any way possible . As said before , I 'd never to anything to harm myself in my waking life , so I don 't know why there 's an underlying evil in me in only certain dreams . Most dreams I 'm not like this . Another theory is as weird as it sounds , it may be repressed sexual feelings . ( I got this idea from Sigmund Freud . ) Because this usually gets aroused when I wake up , so maybe it 's just that . That may be the most logical choice , as I did have sexual dream before this one . In the dream I am in my parents dining room setting at the table with the rest of the family . Suddenly my aunt is carried out to the table on a platter ( Still alive , by the way ) and my father starts slicing meat off her thigh ( Deep red meat ) . He says that it tastes like pork chops while my aunt explains how she needed to lose weight in that area anyway . . . Even in the dream I was trying to explain how this was wrong in many ways . . . I dreamt last night that I was near my old home in the national park and I was running from a witch who was after me . As I ran through the bushland I placed my hands down to run like an animal and when I did this I found myself lucid but I was only on the line where I couldve just kept running and had a normal dream . So I stood up and started to fly over all the trees which helped me be fully lucid . I flew over people who were in the park and there was a section where lots of money was on the ground and two people who had as much money as they could carry stuffed into where ever they could fit it on them ( so you could see it sticking out of their pants and sleeves etc ) . I wasnt interested in taking any money because I knew it was pointless but when I looked I fell from the sky and landed near them . So I flew again and I kept going over the trees . Then I reached a large building and I flew through the wall and started to fly through the corridors and I forget most of this part . I remember picking up a single American dollar from the ground at one point and placing it in my pocket to see if I would wake up with it . I knew I wouldnt but I did it anyway just for fun . I flew up many levels and I was trying to reach the roof so I could fly off the roof but the top level had bars on the windows and it looked like a prison but it was also a hospital . People were sleeping in strange beds almost like capsules ( not fully covered though ) and I was flying around looking to go higher . I knew I could fly out through the bars but I was looking around anyway . Then I saw a girl who was laying in one of the beds sleeping and she was beautiful and I was captivated by her . I went up to her and I kissed her . Straight after she woke up and said something to me but I forget what . A nurse came and they were treating me like I had managed to wake her up and heal her . Then next thing I know we are in a lift and are going to the roof because I had to leave . I was standing on the roof with them and also a person who had broken his leg which I had helped as well but I didnt recall how . We were up very high about 20 stories at least and over looking a city at night time which had a a river close by . I was telling them I have to go now and I was trying to hover before leaping off the building but I couldnt fly ( I like to hover first , its more successful flying that way I find ) . Then she asked me for one more kiss and so I kissed her . I was still trying to hover but had no luck and it was the first time through the dream I couldnt fly . So I said to them that this must be the part where I am supposed to fall . I said dont worry , I will hit the ground and leave a small crater but I will be ok . So I jumped off the building still trying to fly and I thought I started to but then I just fell really fast and hit the ground . I left a crater in the road but I got up and waved both my arms to signal that I was ok . She yelled out that she loved me and thankyou and I told her I hope she now has a long and wonderful life . Then I left and flew over a dark stormy water which had pillars in it . Then I think the dream ended and I went into another dream but I was still lucid . It was almost a continuation of the city though . I was in a city but far into the future where every building was black but with an electric blue trim at the top . At the highest building was the boss of the city and I was like his one that could fly and the others couldnt . I spent the time flying around from the ground and back up again and I was asking what the name of the city I was in . I wasnt supposed to ask that though and no - one would tell me its name . I thought that I must be in France somewhere because one person had a french accent and every now and then I would go back in time ( 2 , 000 years ) and see the city how it used to be . It had white buildings ( regal looking ) back then . Then I said to someone how I must be in France but they said I could be anywhere and this could even be ( I forget the city she said ) . She said something like people would never guess where this certain something was . Then I went back to the boss on the roof of the highest building and I was in trouble with him . I was being kicked out from my position and I was told that I had to cross the river into the next section of land and not return . Thats also why I thought I was in France because I looked at the water and thought that it reminded me of the English channel . I was told I had to fly all the way over the water without touching it and when I tried to fly I could only fly about a meter above it . The water was very stormy and I mustve failed the first time because I remember doing it twice . The second time I reached a statue that was past half way and I perched at the top before continuing on . When I reached the other side I was talking to people about the city and it was like I was back in time to now days ( so white buildings ) . They asked me something and I answered that I was at least 2 , 000 years old . Then I remember watching a very large dragon statue which was all green like how copper goes and it had many heads on long necks . It was in a public area and every now and then the statue would turn into a similar sized silver crown . Then it would turn back into the multi headed dragon and then back into the crown . And this was just what it did . Really weird LD I just woke from . I walk into my house , try to turn on the lights , they don 't come on and I become lucid . I start to hear some weird sounds and walk over to an area right by my TV and kneel down because I see what looks like to be a stuffed , dirty clown . This is the part that really freaks me out . . . In a lot of dreams I have , it 's like I want to be possessed by some negative energy and it 's starting to freak me out because I would NEVER attempt something like this in real life . It 's weird , at any random point in any random dream I just get this thirst for supreme rule and turn to evil . It just happens unconsciously , it 's hard to explain . Then usually I wake up , as I did with the clown when it started to move . I actually think this also happened in a sporadic OBE a long time ago . I got the same feeling and urge , then a floating white thing ( maybe a skull , idk ) picked me up and took me to my bedroom . I 've tried to figure out all logical solutions to this , maybe in our unconscious we all have this animal - like urge to be the dominant creature , and would in any way possible . As said before , I 'd never to anything to harm myself in my waking life , so I don 't know why there 's an underlying evil in me in only certain dreams . Most dreams I 'm not like this . Another theory is as weird as it sounds , it may be repressed sexual feelings . ( I got this idea from Sigmund Freud . ) Because this usually gets aroused when I wake up , so maybe it 's just that . That may be the most logical choice , as I did have sexual dream before this one . round metal - like decorations on the steps . At the top was a bright light , and church / angel music boomed down . I did not feel frightened or overwhelmed . I hesitated about going up to find an exit . Suddenly , someone touched my elbow and told me that I shouldn 't use that exit , go back to the classroom . At first I thought it was my own decision to leave the staircase . I only remembered the entity 's command after I left . I had a weird dream last night . I dreamt I was in my laundry trying to lock the door to outside . I was turning the key but the door wouldnt lock and after about five times of doing this it dawned on me that I must be dreaming . So I looked at something small to read and did a reality test and proved I was dreaming . So I went and told my son that we were both dreaming and to prove it I jumped through the door and went outside . He came with me and then we both flew around for a little while . I remember then we were flying around my old house from when I was younger and we could see our pet birds flying as well . I said that they must be dreaming too and dreaming they are flying outside . Then as another thing to do I said to my son to watch how I walk up the wall . So I landed and then walked up a vertical wall as if I was walking normally . He had trouble doing this , I forget most of the dream because it was one of my first dreams in the night . Next thing I remember though is I am telling someone about how I was having a lucid dream so I had lost my lucidity and I was back in my house in the laundry but it was slightly different . There was a girl there about 25 yrs old who was trying to lock the other door leading more into the house . She was locking it and unlocking it over and over and as soon as I saw this I knew I was still dreaming . So I spoke with her and she turned around and she was very very beautiful . She had chestnut brown hair just below shoulder length but her eyes were like orange fire . They were amazing and she didnt look human because of her eyes . I knew she was an angel and I asked to be able to kiss her . I forget most of what she said but I dont think it was allowed but we did anyway . I was trying to think of things to ask but I mainly wanted to know her name . I 'm pretty sure she said her name was Chistin because I remember thinking of the name Christian as a way for me to remember it . She gave me a second name I didnt think I would forget but I have . It was something like cobolo but I forget . I forget most of the dream , I mainly just remember falling in love with her at sight and kissing her and her eyes which were orange like fire and crystal . She was an angel for sure . The contest was being extra nice to someone even though you didn 't have to or whatever . So I see a stack of newspapers on the ground in the middle of the city I live in , or what was the dream version of the city i live in anyway , there was a place called ' Go - go Village ' or something like that where all the rich folks lived . The sign was some really awesome thing with two huge vehicle wheels on it . I deliver some newspapers to houses that had newspaper boxes ( go figure why I would do this I used to deliver newspapers as a kid ) Turns out I stole the papers from the ' Home Improvement ' kids route ( Jonathon Taylor Thomas ) and used them on some mexican kids paper route . Later at my cabin as they were announcing what the various people did to be kind to someone it turns out I win and just as that happens the ' Home Improvement ' kids burst in and the oldest one starts kicking my ass for stealing the papers , so I start to fight back and get the upper hand . and thats when his brothers join in and beat me to a pulp . so I agree to go get the papers and give them to the right houses . I have a few times now dreamt that i have died . It was the same way all 3 times . The setup of the dreams has always been different . First time in was investigating some ruins with some group . In all dreams I was equally scared of dying , but the dying part was actually quite pleasant . I could feel my heart and breath stop , but I felt pleasant warmth fill my body and everything feels just peacefull . I cant quite explain that feeling other than it felt good . ok so i was having a dream that i was in a jungle , and i think the faith of the world was in my hands . . but anyways i had to cross this bridge to get to a mountain similar to the ones in avatar which now that i think about it it might of been related to the movie . anyways when i got to the bridge it was blocked by many woman along the way and apparently to cross the bridge i had to sleep with all of them . as hard as it was = ) i was able to manage that . but ok here comes the weird part . i finally got to the place where i was supposed to be and there was this woman in an altar but she was blue and had six arms . but she was facing the other way and not looking at me and to save the world i guess i had to sleep with her but when she turned around IT WAS MY MOMMM ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ewwwww i immediately woke up and its just weird thinking about it now I dreamt I was in my room in bed and I couldnt move my body . I knew I was having sleep paralysis and I was trying to fight against it and get out of bed . At one stage there was a cat in my room and it was pawing at the venietian blinds how cats do when they want to look outside . It kept doing this and making that annoying noise of the blinds and I was just watching it . While I was watching it I also saw a black shadow thingy which flickered and changed as it flickered . It looked like the skeleton of a creature but that was what the creature was . Almost like a small black dragon thingy and I could mainly make out its spine . At one stage I was almost out of the paralysis , I was on the floor near the window trying to stand up but I had that thing I get where I can only half move and its very difficult ( like being really drunk ) . Then I was back in bed again and I heard a really scary sounding voice . It was probably the scariest voice I 've ever heard and it spoke not loud but not soft either . It was a very deep male voice and it said to me something like " You cannot get out of your body at this stage " . ( something like that ) It felt like the devil himself had spoken to me because it was that kind of voice and really quite freaky . After this I said to it that then I shall have an OBE . So it was like I was on the edge of waking up , dreaming and OBE and I was trying to stand up in the dreaming stage but I couldnt do it . So when he said I couldnt get out of my body I then thought instead of using strength to force myself out I will relax and think my way out and into an OBE . So I relaxed and I wasnt really scared of the voice so much , I thought of it as a scary sounding teaching voice even though it did have an element of mockery about it . I also remembered that I had broken out of paralysis before and gone into like an OBE / dream experience ( I find it hard to tell the difference sometimes ) and I think I said that to him . Anyway so I relaxed and started to focus on my body and trying to imagine myself sitting upright . I was lying on my side though so I was imagining trying to sit upright on the side and when I was doing this my ears started to pop . So it was like my ears got blocked and then unblocked and the more I tried to think about sitting up in bed the more my ears did this . Then they did this very rapidly and it was like a fluttering sensation with unblocked and blocked happening so fast . Then I heard my son sleep talking in the other room but in a worried manner and I thought I had to get to him to see what was near him and I was trying to use that as a way to will myself out more . Then all a sudden it stopped and I was just awake . Then I went back to sleep and went into a dream where I was trying to sleep on my back in a strange bed which had orange and yellow sheets and was outside under the sun . I knew I was dreaming but I just stayed there on my back and I pulled the sheets up to cover my eyes so I could see through them but that no - one could see me . So I only had enough open area to breath . I figured that whoever it was that was with me in the sleep paralysis , they would use this time now to come to me in my dream . I thought they would not be able to help themselves so I waited and pretended to be asleep . I didnt wait very long before a woman came over and looked down closely at me . I forget most of what happened afterwards but I remember her reaching down to touch my face and I think I grabbed her hand to surprise her . After this I dont really remember much , the dream continued though but I lost my lucidity . I dreamt last night that I was in the city and I was on a small bus which was a small white mini van . My son was with me and I got off the bus without my son and afterwards I was thinking how the bus has many other stops to go and that I shouldve got my son off the bus with me . My son is only young so I was worried that we had separated . So I chased after the bus and it stopped not far at the next stop so I told my son to get off the bus but then I saw that I had left my shopping on the bus and my son had left his thongs ( shoes ) . So I got back on the bus and told the driver I had forgotten some stuff and when I started to pick up the shopping and gather everything the driver started to drive away leaving my son alone in the city and me stuck inside the bus . I was asking the driver and his friend to pull over so I could get out and the driver was saying that he cant and can only stop at the next stop which was pretty far away . I told them about my son and she ( the drivers friend ) asked how old he was . I told them he had only just turned 10 and she said something like " well it might be a good thing to teach him independence " which annoyed me . I thought this is not how you do it . I told them that by the time I get off the bus he wouldve probably moved and I would not catch up in time to find him in the city , so I was very worried . Then all of a sudden the dream scene changed and I was watching a huge green snake about 13 or so meters long with a head and body at least the width of a person . It was coiled up sitting in the middle of a lush park on the grass that was very close to the city ( so like a central park ) . There was two girls in white on the left of it who were scared of it and saying they cant go that way and my son was across from me , on the other side past this snake . When the girls first approached , the snake rose up like a cobra and it fanned out a hood like one , which was huge . Then I thought I hope my son doesnt try to make a run past it because he wont make it because the snake is very fast but my son ran away from it and to the right and the snake gave chase . Soon as I saw this I was afraid for him so I flew after him . I didnt know I was dreaming but when the snake chased him I just took off into the air and flew after the snake . I could see the snake from above in the shallow water that you get in parks and I was thinking this is one of those dreams I dont want to forget ( but thats about as lucid as I got ) , when it came out of the water somehow I was infront of it and I hovered down from the air and grabbed it from the front . So I was face to face with this huge green cobra and I grabbed it in a bear hug around its neck and lifted it up a few meters above the air , so its main body was still on the ground but its head was up a few meters . When I touched the snake it was all soft and feathered and it had a thorn or something sharp when I grabbed it because I thought I had maybe touched its fangs but its mouth was shut . I was thinking if it wants to bite me , now this is the time and I wont be able to stop it but it gave a funny look to me like a naughty puppy or something . It was like a nice innocent look meaing something like " I was only having fun " as if it was a pet of mine . I also noticed a small dark brown spot above its right eye and I was hoping I hadnt spiked it ( or hurt it ) somehow when I grabbed it ( even though it was me who got spiked ) . Anyway then I turned to get on the back of the snake so I was riding it and it was still reared up like a cobra and the girls that had been near said something but I forget what and I said that he was very soft and I stroked the back of his neck a few times . He was all feathered and was really very beautiful . Then I rode the same way towards where my son had gone but I woke up pretty soon after that . Me and my friend went with the school to this big glass hotel , but you were like a penguin sliding around on your belly through most of the corridors , now I wanted to jump a floor but I chickened out . Me and my friend ran into a room , locked the door and suddenly she says " This duvet is wrong " I realised then that this wasn 't our room , my mouth suddenly got really salivary O . o Then the door knocked I opened it and Mia and Sara ( girls that left my school ) were there . I was apologising and said " I Thought this was Brooke and Mike 's . . " ( Mike in my dream is a dude the size of my thumb ) Then I realised I shouldn 't of said that and Sara turned into Cathrine ( Micheal ( a boy in my year ) 's little sister so I said " I don 't know why I said Mike , it must be ' cause I saw you " She smiled then the scenary changed , I was in a kitchen type thing and the cuboard was Mike , I pulled him out and put him in this hard plastic yet foldable Coca Cola thing , I remember a sense of urgency , then my ex - step - dad popped up and says " what 's that ? " I ran , he couldn 't get it . . I ran out onto a street and kept going he was chasing me all the way I ran across a road and Mrs o ' Rourke ( my head of year ) grabbed me and told me " You could of just died . " I opposed saying I checked the road and I couldn 't hear traffic , her reply " God , won 't let you hear if he wants you dead . " ( I 'm an athiest but go to a Roman Catholic School ) . * Scenary Shift * We 're at the entrance of the hotel and there 's an old fasioned milk factory , the gates are locked but there 's a woman in a blue victorian dirty grubby dress and white apron trying to escape I feel a pang of pity as I take a step towards her I wake up , . . . I 've only ever had a few " oh my God I can feel everything " dreams . It took place in my college dorm , which had apparently been renovated into a series of white rooms that held computers where a bunch of students and adults ( staff ? Parents ? ) were studying or talking . I was wearing a green long - sleeved shirt with a white collar . ( I was watching " On a Clear Day You Can See Forever " the night before . Damn you , Barbra ! ) The first time I really freaked out in the dream was in my ( home ) bathroom , and a bunch of skin patches were hanging off my chest in little dripping lines . It was gross . ( Ever seen " Black Swan " ? Yeah . That level of skin grossness ) . I could feel my face swelling and tingling , particularly the right side of my face , as if it were burning . Then little half - inch red " veins " started popping up , and I FREAKED . OUT . I ran in the " office space " to find two British ladies to show them what was going on and if they could help . It wasn 't " stigmata ; " per se ; but something was definitely up . They spun me around to " regress " me to the time in my childhood when this stemmed from , but nothing happened except for me thinking , " London ? This happened the last time I went to London . . . but no , it didn 't . . . " ( I had gone to London in college ) . Then one of the ladies said , " I knew it . It must be a past life regression , then . " She continued to spin me to the left , and I kept going around until a " memory " popped into my head of me being in London ( in which time period , I don 't know ) reading a brochure : " The Royal Opera House will have a new alto singer , but this time , she will be perfect . " The name " Aiki " ( ? ? ) came to mind . Then my teeth started feeling really loose , like they were going to fall out . Back in the dorm , I started spitting out my teeth so I didn 't choke on them . I tried keeping them in my hands , but some spilled out into the hallway , and one of the ladies had to pick them up . There was blood everywhere . God , it was disgusting . I still had really loose bottom front teeth , but I felt like I had to pull them out so I didn 't choke on those either . Soon I had no teeth , but hoped the nightmare would be over . Fortunately ( I guess ) I had a bit of new teeth growing in under them . I woke up with my face ( mostly the right side ) still feeling like it was swollen and tingling . I dreamt I was with some magickians I used to kinda hang around on a magick forum . We were in a large round area almost like an old greenhouse ( not used anymore ) but with an open roof in the city . There was a pile of wood leaning up against the wall and so for some reason I made what looked like a bookshelf out of it . After I had finished one of them came up to me and said that I had made the bookshelf out of someone else 's wood that they had paid for . I apologized because I didnt know and I said I would pay for it , which was $ 300 worth . It was most of the money I had but I treated it as honourable to pay it as quickly as I could . So even though I would be short of cash I wanted to pay it . Then the guy who 's it was painted it a dirty green / mud almost colour and it was dripping off the wood almost like tree sap . Anyway I walked away well out of the area ( I think to get the money ) and then something made me go lucid but I forget what . So I took to the air and I was flying over buildings and carparks like in a city area . I wanted to fly back to the place where I started and I was trying to get back before the dream ended . I could feel it was getting close to ending so I was trying to fly fast before waking up . What was weird though was I noticed that I could see my shadow on the ground while flying and I had angel wings ( which I could see from the shadow ) . . Its the first time I have ever seen that ( while being like a man in the dream at least ) but what was weird was that the shadow was actually white . I dont remember seeing the wings by looking behind me or anything ( I dont think I tried ) I only remember seeing them as like a shadow on the ground , which was bright white and very strange to see . Anyway I made it back to the place and because I knew I was invisible I flew close to the others . It was like they were in normal life so I flew close to them . One of them could see me because he was good at seeing the astral and he said something like " your not an angel just because you can astral travel " . . but it was like he said that because he was always jealous and was just that kind of person . So I just flew around him so he could see . Then I noticed that the bookshelf was placed underneath the only tree that was in the area . So I think maybe the sap from the tree was dripping onto the bookshelf . ( The bookshelf was empty ) . I had a quick weird dream last night that was kinda funny . I dreamt I snuck on to a rocket that Roger from American Dad was going to fly . So Roger was on this huge rocket like a nasa one or something ( not a space shuttle but a rocket ) and I snuck on . I sat next to him right before takeoff and we took off . Roger looked like Roger but slightly different , so like a mix of cartoon Roger but not cartoon . Anyway we took off and it was weird because instead of seeing the sky and getting closer to space we were positioned to see the ground so I could see us getting further away from it . Anyway it was a laugh because one of us ( I duuno who ) brought out some weed and we smoked it after getting really high and on the verge of space . After we smoked it I was hungry and it was like we had the munchies but we were supposed to ration our food ( well his food ) but I talked him into eating all of it . lol . So I saw all these tins and I was saying how I was sooo hungry and was just going to eat it . Then for some reason we changed and we were both dogs . I think it was because the food was tinned and so it looked like pet food . I dunno but were were both dogs and flying through space . Then the next thing I remember I am back on earth and Im looking in a clothes shop to by Roger a present . I wanted to get him a nice shirt but I couldnt find anything nice enough to buy for him . I saw one which had a grey alien on the front but it was $ 200 and didnt look that good so I walked out . I dont remember how I got from the rocket to earth or how I was going to go back to the rocket from the shop though . But it was like I was getting him a gift for eating his food I think . Dreamt I was a body guard . First I was protecting a queen . I had uncovered a plot to poison her with these poison tealeaves while her mate was having a special dinner with her to propose marriage . I informed her , but not him . I wanted to see if it was him or not . She was to stop him from drinking the poison tea . If he started to drink he was innocent . He was . Then they were both so happy for being saved . . . . They started getting drunk on this jug of wine . They kept trying to put the poison leaves in their wine in a drunken joking state . They were making a joke of it while I was grabbing wine away from them keeping them safe . Very frustrating . Then . I was guarding two gay men that were very important . They were some sort of wine gurus . Critics or something . I had to secure their hotel room . But during a large truck drove through the front wall and window . As it stopped I had pretended like it hit me , then I climbed underneath the truck and positioned myself right behind the drivers door in a low crouch . I was waiting for someone to get out before I leaped up and put them in a lion killer choking technique . I woke up . I dreamt last night I was in my home town . I was in a two story building on the second story and a Black Knight was going around killing everyone , he came up the stairs and killed two people right in front of me . He was pretty big and dressed up like you would expect a Black Knight to be dressed . The people he killed were main characters in the dream because when one died I was shocked that he had died . He died because the Black Knight shoved his sword through the main characters mouth and pinned him to the wall . It was pretty horrible and when he did that it was like I was watching from outside of my body . Anyway I made a run for it because I didnt have any weapons and he was fully armoured up like in medieval days . So I ran down and out onto the street and hid in the shadows . I couldnt run very fast at all and it was like one of those dreams where you cant run . So when I first got out I hid in a shadow and lay low for a bit . He didnt give chase like I thought he would and after a small amount of time I made another slow run for across the way . I even tried to place my hands down to run like an animal but I was still going very slowley . So I stopped in another shadow and looked down at my feet and saw that I was wearing very heavy thick black boots which were weighing me down . So I sat down and untied the laces and took them off which took some time and during that I noticed a dark purple light shining dimly behind some loose bricks . So I pulled out the bricks and saw some strange witch style looking things . I saw a black paperish pentagram with writing around it and some very small bones and anything important was glowing purple . I wanted to read what was on the pentagram but knew I didnt have time so I shoved it in my mouth and swallowed it . It was like I knew it was a power object so I just swallowed it for power . I didnt have time to grab the rest because people were comming . So I ran very fast and I came across a cart that was holding many swords . I picked out a katana which was the second longest sword because I was used to it , I was thinking I should pick the longest sword but I went for one I had experience in . Then I ran with it and it was like there was some people in silver white armour and some in black armour and I cant remember fully but I think I just killed anyone in my way ( I forget parts of the dream ) . I remember trying to cut their heads off but the blade was not very sharp . So I started to steal their smaller side weapons at the same time and I was using one in each hand . So katana in my right and axe and other smaller weapons in my left . Some how I realized though that if I gave a weapon to the soldier he would not fight at all . I think because I took a weapon from a silver soldier which made him angry , I gave it back to him . So after that I was running around getting weapons from some and giving them to the black soldiers to stop everyone from fighting . It was a strange thing to do because I had to go up to someone who was going to kill me and then give them my weapon , so it was odd but it worked . After that I was very happy I had figured out what to do like a puzzle and I was then near the house I grew up in and over the fence to the national park there was a swimming pool and spar made by just cutting a pool sized whole in the ground and filling it with water . Many teenagers were swimming in the water and I was thinking I wouldnt swim in there because the grass around it was long and there would probably be snakes . I was watching from over the fence in my house and I was telling someone about the swords and how I had to give the sword to stop the fighting . Then a young guy grabbed an eel and threw it out of the water . He then climbed out of the pool and picked up the eel by its tail and threw it down and you could tell he was going to try to kill the eel . I think he grabbed a shovel or something to try to cut the head off the eel which was just trying to get away and when he did that the eel turned on him and sunk its teeth into him and poisoned him . The young man died and I was telling the person with me that it is the same thing . I was saying that he should not of attacked it and that was why it bit him . I dreamt I was near Swan river in Perth city ( it was day time ) and I was with an old friend of mine . We were racing together but we were using large sticks almost like pole vaulters use . I was holding the top of it and balancing up above the ground and somehow I was running with it . My friend was doing the same thing but when I ran I got higher into the sky the more I moved and I was maybe about four stories high . I went lucid around this stage and so I jumped off to fly . I flew past him and then I was more in the middle of the city just standing on the street . It was now night time and I was looking down an alley which was all shadowed and I was seeing many red eyes looking back at me . I forget parts of the dream but I took them as a threat ( but I wasnt too worried ) . Then I forget why or how but next thing I remember is I 'm holding a guy above my head and I slam him down to the ground . I think he attacked me but I 'm not sure . Anyway when he hit the ground he broken in half so that his lower body was seperated from his upper body . Then I went into a shop that was near by and there was a blond lady sitting in a chair . It looked like the kind of place where women go to get their nails done . Because I was lucid I lifted up her top because she seemed rather nice like that . I found though that she didnt have a nipple which was odd and so I figured she was there to get one put on . She said something to me but I forget what . Then for some reason I went outside and I started to run like an animal . I ran back the way I had come and while I was running I looked down at my hands and saw that they were like a grey wolfs . I could see my paws and I was checking them out because half the time I dont really take notice when I run like that . Then every now and then though I would fly instead of run and I was thinking to myself that so long as I either flew or ran like an animal the red eyes would not be able to ever catch me . I was thinking that moving in this way was like moving in the spirit and if I was to move like normal ( so walking or running like human ) then the spirits would be able to catch up with me . So I knew I was untouchable and I just kept flying and then landing into a run on all fours and then flying again . It was pretty cool and I dont usually run / fly like that . It started that I was in a desert looking place and was trying to escape a group of people . I had a choice but took a left turn hoping to lose the main one following me but instead came to a dead end . I looked around and saw a very tiny gap in the corner of a fence that was above about a meter and a half wall , so I slipped through it . The lady who was after me went down that way as well and I was laying down trying to not be seen . Somehow I was caught and taken back to the group and they were like mutant looking ( well the main older guy anyway ) . He was a cannibal and was going to eat me . I forget parts of the dream and so this is only a ruff telling but I was at first trying to talk my way out of it but he was pretty set in his ways . So I accepted it and said to him to at least kill me quickly . I had placed my hands in an almost prayer position when I asked him this and had accepted my fate . He reached over and pulled out a chunk from my left ear ( or it was my left ear , Im not sure ) , I knew I was dying . Next thing I know is I 'm laying down in my old car ( my first car in the back of a panel van ) and I 'm just a body that has been left there . I have no skin and so I 'm just red meaty looking and am covered with flies . Flies were all on the roof of the car as well and just everywhere and I cant move or anything because I am dead and rotting . Then someone opened the back door to the panel van and all these bees rush in and start killing the flies . The flies tried to escape and flew up into the sky but the bees followed them and they made a big dark swarm that spiralled upwards . When this happened I became the bees and it was like I was one of them but also all of them . We were stinging the flies but our stings were not coming off because the flies were small . So all the flies were dying and us bees were going to kill everyone of them . It was like my bees had come to collect me and take revenge . " The Egyptians believed that bees were born from the tears of the Sun - god , Ra . Bees are also depicted on many ancient tombs , as symbols of the afterlife and resurrection . This probably came from the fact that bees do not leave their hive during the three month hibernation period , only to reappear later . Some compared this to Christ 's resurrection , whereby his body vanished for three days , only to reappear after the resurrection . Furthermore , bees ' honey and sting are also associated with Christ and Judgment Day . " I dreamt last night I had sky dived but I forget most of the start . I was in a place outside and I saw a girl smiling at me who was about 25 - 30 years old , so I went up to get closer to her . She was slightly above me on a hill near a house so I walked up . I stood near the house and then she came near and we said hello . She was very pretty and we talked and then she took me to her house where she lived with her brother . It was strange though because her brother ( who was about 35 ) was white and seemed like he was from Serbia or somewhere like that while she had a French accent and was dark skinned ( black but I dont really like that word ) . She looked alittle brazilian or something though but with a French accent and we were in London . I remember driving around some parts of London I think on the way to her house but I get forget parts of that . Anyway she showed me around her house in London and it looked like a tiny place from the outside but when you went inside the rooms just kept opening up . So you would think you had seen it all but then I would open another door which would lead into another set of rooms . So for her bathrooms she had two toilets opposite one another ( seperate rooms ) and then close by was a shower and in the next room was another shower and then in the next room off that was a sauna . It was huge but most of the rooms weren 't being used and needed to be dusted / cleaned . They just had that look like no - one had used the rooms for many years and that the girl and her brother only used the front section of the house . For some reason I was very interested in the house and I lost her at one stage so I could explore all the rooms . Afterwards I thought how it was odd I was more interested in the house than her and I felt that was kinda rude . I wondered where was and just as I thought that she popped up and I commented on how this is the biggest house I have ever seen . I asked her name ( I might of done this before looking around but I 'm not sure ) and she said her name was Kobi . I found it hard to understand her because of her accent and at first I said obi ? but she said no and so I had to ask her to spell it for me . I really wanted to know her name so I could look up the meaning later . She spelt it for me and I apologized for not being used to her accent . She said her name so fast that you hardly heard the k at the start . After that we went outside and I talked to her brother who asked if I could help him . He asked if I could take away some of the wood ( trees ) that he had been cutting down . I said if I had my old car ( forgetting about my new car and thinking of my first car ) and was back in Australia I would but that I dont know London very well or where you take this stuff . Then he pointed out what he was talking about and I was shocked . We were standing in a huge outside area not like London and it was like being on the edge of a forrest with huge trees . Many had been cleared and were laying down piled up . The trunks were about maybe 3 meters width and it seemed like her brother was alittle crazy . He was cool though and a nice guy but someone you didnt want to cross . Anyway I was looking at these trees and I could see he had made a set of scales out of wood ( a trunk of a tree ) which was very very large , about 20 - 30 meters long ruffly and on top was some of these other large trees . He had manageed to balance them evenly even though he had maybe 4 or so of these huge trees on each end of the scale . After seeing all this I thought I couldnt really help him at all and I think he knew that and was just showing me what he had done . Then I was with many others and Kobi outside in this area but I think it was like we had gone out and come back ( I 'm not sure ) . But her brother came back from somewhere and was carrying a flame thrower . It was like he was a Serbian drug guy or something which is why you didnt want to cross him . Anyway he was showing everyone this flame thrower and I was just watching . Annyway I thought it was interesting when I looked up the meaning of the name Kobi today . Apparently it means supplanter , which seems kinda fitting to the house and how many of the rooms were not used ( almost like it was her parents house ) . |
* Write some real thought provoking blogs for you folks . I have a couple doozies that I am working on right now ! * Shoot a turkey . I tried last spring , but I want to shoot one this year - spring or fall , I don 't care . That is all for now but Happy New Year ! and may 2014 be fantastic . 2 . I needed to bring a lot of gear with me ! My hunting clothes , my ' normal clothes ' , his toys , his clothes , his bedding , his food . . . I 'm glad I have an Outback ! 3 . Bringing the wrong " flow " bottle top could alter how quickly he goes to sleep . Slow flow - forces him to slow down and puts him to sleep . Rapid flow - drinks too fast and throws up . And is not tired . 5 . Don 't forget the bathtub - routine is important ! I forgot to bring this the first weekend and our bedtime routine was not the same . 6 . You really can stay awake in a tree stand after 2 - 4 hours of sleep ! It helped that it was so cold that I feared hypothermia . 7 . Sometimes grandparents can get kids to do things moms can 't - like eat all of their peas . 8 . There really is guilt associated with being a hunting mom ! I didn 't necessarily feel bad about leaving him ( I had to deal when I started taking him to daycare ) but I felt guilty having my mom watch him every time we went out . Disclosure : Mom said she had withdrawals the first weekend after hunting was over . Still , there is guilt . 9 . I can 't just think about me . I use to be able to check in with friends if I was up in the area to go hunting . I can 't run out for coffee if I have to put the baby down starting at 6 : 30 . On writing and new opportunities I have been writing this blog for about four years now . In that time , I have gained a lot of outdoor friends and lost a couple outdoor friends ( I 'm better off without the drama . ) I have learned about hunting issues in Maine and looked beyond deer hunting to bear , coyote and turkey . I have been able to reconnect with friends who are now working for Inland Fisheries & Wildlife as well as meet new friends who helped me get a better idea of what was going on and what the impact was , as I sat in on legislative hearings regarding new potential laws to the Maine outdoors . In this process , I had the opportunity to blog for a state - wide newspaper . My excitement and willingness was short lived as I ( and others ) were bounced from one editor to another to another . I would inquire about getting more promotion for my posts and try to have timely and interesting materials that would be worthy of a Facebook post or a retweet . But after a staff writer copied three of my blogs topics and posted and promoted his work , usually done within a week of my original posts , I decided that enough was enough . I went back and forth with my editor and was told that because we write about hunting and the Maine woods , that we were bound to have similar articles . I struggled about how I felt about the situation and my writing integrity . I asked friends and fellow bloggers about it . I wanted people to read my work because it was a reflection on my thoughts , experiences and feeling towards hunting and Maine . One week later , I gave my notice . I had been contacted by the editor of a hunting magazine back in January about writing for him because he wanted more women 's voices . I couldn 't follow through then because I was four months pregnant and trying to stay awake past 5pm and function as a human was a daily challenge . Fast forward ten months and at a sportsman 's show in October , I reconnected with the editor and we once again started talking about me writing for him . After a few emails and an official query , I am the newest writer for the Northwoods Sporting Journal ! I want to send a huge THANK YOU to each and every one of you who read this blog and comment on my adventures . I really appreciate you supporting me as I grow as a writer and as an outdoors woman . I hope you will keep reading and sharing this adventure with me ! ~ ~ ~ While Hubby and Dad decided to still hunt on the mountain , I needed a place to sit . Dad said that our original tree house was still safe if I wanted to go there . He advised me that the roof ( made of canvas ) had caved in a bit and that could pose an issue . I hate to be on the ground and trying to hunt , so I figured I would take my chances . When Dad and I built it , ( this was our first attempt at a tree stand ) , we haphazardly nailed boards to the tree to make steps . They were not even distances apart nor did they have any extra room for larger boots . Climbing up them again had me wondering what kind of limber monkeys we thought we were back then . It was a sketchy climb up but I made it . Once I wiggled my way inside and got my gun in , I realized how slanted the box had become . From the start , it slanted forward a bit but this was more than I remembered . I moved the stool as close to the tree as possible so that I was on the highest - and most stable - part of the stand . The roof was usually propped up with a wooden stake . I remember one morning , I hit the stick and the roof collapsed on us . Even though it had partially collapsed , I realized that we had put in a good effort to keep up . Wood and metal combined to prop the wooden stake up but age and weather had jammed the stake sideways . Between gusts , I heard footsteps . Definitely footsteps . They were coming from my right but I could not see any deer . I was afraid that they had walked in but turned and walked up the mountain instead of walking through the gap in front of me . I kept an eye and ear out as best I could and waited . It was a great spot ! Half way down the mountain , surrounded by oak and beach trees with a stream running off to my left . I shot my first deer from this stand - and being back in it , made me realize how impressive it was that Dad and I both fit into it and had room to get my gun into position to shoot . But , this is where it all began . This was the spot where I became a successful hunter . This is where Dad and I spent hours during my first real season , talking about hunting and the deer herd in the area . A few hours after climbing into the stand , Dad came to get me . It had been him who I had heard walking and not a deer . We reminisced about my first hunt , where the spikehorn had come in from , where I had shot him and where he had died . I told Dad that I wanted to rebuild the stand and make it more sturdy for us to hunt from next year . 7 degrees . 7 flippin degrees is what the thermometer read when we headed outside on Friday morning . I was as bundled up as possible with hand and toe warmers . Hubby headed to the Sky Condo with instructions to start walking around 7 : 30am . Dad dropped me off at our newest tree seat and he took off to make a loop around me . The plan was for Hubby to come from the right , Dad from the left and me , in the middle , shooting any deer that happened to get jumped . If it had antlers , it was going down . When it is this cold , I go into owl mode where I really don 't move much more than my eyes . Plus , I had on so many layers , I could barely move . Ready for this : 3 pairs of socks with toe warmers , snowmobile boots , 3 layers of long johns under my wool pants and 7 layers on top including my awesome red and black plaid wool jacket . Plus my neck warmer and hat . When it wasn 't breezy , it actually wasn 't too bad . There were gray squirrels , a red squirrel , chick - a - dees and nuthatches all hanging out with me as the dawn broke and more and more area became visible . There were no shots early but an hour after legal hunting hours , a shot rang out in front of me . It was in about the same area as where Dad shot the coyote last year . It had to have been Dad ! ! ! I uncovered my fingers and dug out my cell phone waiting for the call to come . 2 minutes . . . 5 minutes . . . 17 minutes and nothing . Crap ! I went back to owl mode and waited for the sun to reach me . Around 8 : 30 or 9 , Dad emerged from the woods . He was carrying his wool jacket and his orange hat sat high on his head . Yeah . That doe and pair of lambs were out eating corn . You could tell they have never been shot at because the lambs never moved . What happened ? I dunno . I missed . He shook his head and I could tell he was mad at himself . We met up with Hubby and headed to a new spot . I sat again and got cold again . Even the walking didn 't totally warm we up . But I went to a new spot and sat while the guys went walking . Lunch came and went . Dad and Hubby saw a few deer either running from them or blowing in thick spots where they could not not make out a good shot . It got up to 28 * when we went in for lunch and I made sure I was bundled back up for the night hunt . We went over to the mountain for the first part of the afternoon . I dropped Dad off along the roadway for him to walk up the east side of the mountain . I drove the truck a little further and dropped Hubby off so he could walk up the front of the mountain , then drove another mile or two into the woods and parked the truck , loaded up and headed up to the original tree house . It was nice to sit up there and be out of the wind . I waited for a couple of hours before Dad appeared . We headed back down and picked Hubby up . When he got into the truck , he said that two hunters had followed him up the mountain . Awesome ! Two men with guns , trespassing ! ! ! ! Hubby had quickly gotten to the top of the mountain and waited for Dad to meet up with him . If it had been me , I would have marched towards them ( I know , I know ) and asked them if they had landowner permission . Since I knew they did not , I would assume they would say yes or there would be an awkward pause , at which point , I would have said , " You know , Bob . Tall guy with blonde hair who owns this land " and when they agreed with me , I would tell them that my Dad ( who NO ONE would describe like that ) owns the land and they needed to go . My willingness to fight is why Dad wouldn 't let me go yell at the guy last year who trespassed . We ended the day back where we started and headed out when it was dark . Nothing . The view from the Sky Condo When I woke up Saturday , I immediately went to the thermometer . 4 * ! It was colder than the morning before . It was the last day of rifle season so not going out was not an option . When Dad got up , I announced that I would be sitting in the Sky Condo with the heater . The ground was frosted and it was loud walking in . It was actually so cold that the trees were snapping themselves and faking us out , thinking that there were deer coming . As the morning went on , I hugged the heater more and more . The sun had just started to hit the back portion of the field when Dad stepped out of the woods and headed towards me . He stood at the bottom of the stand and talked with me , waiting for Hubby to show up . He had not seen any deer but had seen a couple new stands and saw a few more hunters . We waited a little longer before I sent Hubby a text to find him and get him to come back to the Sky Condo . When the group was together , Dad jestered to have us get going to another spot . The guys left and headed to the next spot to hunt . The sun was still trying to inch its way across the field and onto the SC . I huddled around the heater and rattled the set of antlers we had there . Nothing . I tried the bleet . Nothing . Then , poof ! My heater ran out of propane . For the next two hours , I used an extra pair of toe warmers to keep my hands cold . My nostrils and eyelashes were freezing and I could feel the condensation melt when I closed my eyes . As much as I tried to say it was just the cold air , my nose began to plug - but just one nostril . I wasn 't getting sick ! The minute I saw Dad appear again , I was down from the Sky Condo and in the sun ! It felt good to get some warmth on me . Dad and I did a bit of scouting at the back of the clearing where deer usually traveled . There were lots of signs , hooking on a few bushes and a clear trail . Just no deer . We waited for Hubby to meet up with us ( he is new to the hunting area and still learning how to not get lost when we give him directions like ' follow the skidder trail ' or ' stay on the old snowmobile trail til . . . ' or even ' when you hit an old choppin ' that looks like a jungle , stay right ' . ) I told Dad that I wanted to sit back in the SC after we hunted on the mountain . Hubby and Dad dropped me off and I walked up the mountain to my tree house . They took a new ( old ) hauling road and were going to come out above me and walk down to get me . The afternoon wore on and the sun started to go down . I figured we were going to be done soon and not go sit . I was ok with it because I was eating Vit C drops non stop . My nostril was stuffed now and I could feel the drain of getting up early ( and having a baby sleep in the same room with you ) throughout the season . Bambi had bested us . He had jumped 5 deer on the slope but they ran in the wrong direction . He had run along a side road in an attempt to make enough noise and force the deer down towards me , but they outran him and were not going to be easily swayed by one man . Dad had instructed Hubby to go back down the way he came up and meet us at the bottom . Dad showed me a few fresh tracks that had gone right past the tree house and we walked over to the spot where I had shot my first deer . There were deer around but we were not meant to get one this year . Mother Nature was keeping us humble . Although we had a third person join us , Dad and I ended the season the same way we started it . Together , walking in the woods . Posted by For the past 10 1 / 2 seasons , we have been a two hunter show . I sit , Dad walks and we either find deer or move to a new spot . This time Hubby came along and it added new challenges for us . Dad and I have three seats up and decided that we would each get a spot to sit during the first few hours of Saturday morning . We put Hubby in the Sky Condo because he has not hunted / shot from a tree seat and we have some tiny / slanted seats that Dad and I are used to . It seemed a little awkward to try and get everyone in place early enough so that the last person was sitting at an early enough time to beat the deer moving . At 5 am , we were out the door and heading into the woods . The wind was flipping COLD ! ! ! I was my normal , bundled up self and I was comfortable as we walked in . Dad dropped me off in my tree seat , dropped Hubby off at the Condo and headed up to our third spot . Dad said I could head out of the woods around 10 , get Hubby and meet him at the truck around 11 . I was settled in and bundled up . The wind was so bad that you could not hear anything . The weekend before , I had made an unwlecomed friend in the neighborhood red squirrel . He was chirping on the tree next to me and when I made an attempt to scare him off , it only made him more curious and he climbed my tree , chirped and made weird guttural noises at me . When he was eye level on the side of the tree , I stood and rattled my tree seat 's bar . It made me blow any and all hope of having a deer come in , but at that point , I wanted him gone . On Saturday , the little ' friend ' was back but he apparently knew it was me and didn 't bother me . I knew Hubby was not really dressed to sit for hours so at 9 am , I walked up to the Sky Condo to share my hand warmers . Hubby was frozen ! At 9 : 45 , Dad was at the Sky Condo . Two hunters had walked right past him and never saw him . Knowing that if there were deer in the area , they would have jumped them on to him , Dad got down and headed towards my seat . He found a hunter standing in the trail , just below the furthest point I can see down a shooting lane . Too many hunters , too close to where we were . . . so we headed to a new , old spot that let Hubby and Dad walk while I sat . We are seeing SO many scrapes and rubs - some of which are new or being worked on a regular basis . From the pictures on our cameras , the deer are still moving around at night and not in the early morning or early afternoons . I really hope that something snaps and the rut starts soon so that we can get some meat in the freezer . Wish us luck ! ! ! And HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL ! ! ! I am so thankful that you stop by to read my blog , comment and share your hunting experiences with me . Posted by With the moon almost full , Dad and I figured that we would walk in extra early on Saturday and get set up before the deer started moving . My 4 am wake up call ( Mom coming to wake me up so an alarm does not wake the baby up ) came at 4 : 26 . I have never jumped out of bed and dressed so fast ! The problem is that I sit when I hunt , so I dress in many , many . . . many ! layers . It also means that it takes me more than 30 minutes to get dressed so that I dont get over heated and sweaty before I leave the house . Not that Saturday . I was sweating and rushed . A bad combo . Snap ! Leaves crunched off to our right . My mind raced . If we could get to the Sky Condo , then we could get ahead of this deer . Dad stopped . We listed and heard more steps . We continued on our path towards the Sky Condo then stopped again . More steps in the leaves to our right . It was as though this deer was walking with us to the Sky Condo . We continued on and as quietly as we could , climbed into the Sky Condo and waited to see if the deer would appear . He never did . The rest of the day was spent dealing with some surprising guests and looking for a good buck . We found a lot ! ! of scrapes and some rubs . It is very clear that there are a handful of bucks around and marking their scent in as many locations as possible . Saturday was a perfect day to be out in the woods because it was so quiet . A deer could have stepped out at any moment , but none did . We ended the weekend without seeing any meat to bring home . We know there are plenty of deer around , we just need to figure out how to be in the right place at the right time . Dad has hunted on the land that houses the Sky Condo for the better part of his life . About six years ago , we built the SC and started hunting there full time . At that time , there were no other hunters near by . A few years ago , a hunter bought a bordering piece of property , re - did the old camp that was there and brought his buddies along . We haven 't had a lot of incidents with them ( trespassing last year , putting pink ribbon on my tree seat and lying to us when we asked them what they shot - a search through the list at the tagging station said an 8 - point buck ) . Two years ago , Dad bought a piece of land that is separated from the Sky Condo property by a powerline and a driveway that is privately owned by our hunting neighbor . The land was bought in May and once October came , our neighbor put a treestand up along the edge of the powerline , facing our new piece of property and right next to our traveling path . We were cautious from that point on , making sure we were not seen as we crossed from the powerline and into the woods . We never saw anyone actually sit in the stand . Until this year . After reviewing the pictures on our trail cameras , Dad and I figured we would head down to my tree seat mid - morning . As we made our way down our path , Dad stopped suddenly and pointed to the treestand . A blob of orange sat there . We backtracked and went elsewhere . In the afternoon , we were prepared to walk right past the stand , hunter or no hunter , and go immediately into the woods and then travel to where my seat is . But , no one was there . Still , from now on , we will have to strategize how we get from point A to my tree seat . Our hunting neighbor has other treestands along the powerline and we are polite and stay clear of them . It is how you hunt ; have courtesy for those around you . Apparently , they did not get that memo . Next weekend , I will be walking down the powerline in the dark so that I am settled in my seat before sun up . It 's unsettling to think that there could be someone so close to where I will be walking . I will make sure that I have a very bright flashlight and I may even talk to myself or sing so there is no question that I am not a deer . So , what is your take on this ? How disrespectful is our neighbor ? Would you put a stand up where you knew other hunters travel ? Am I totally blowing this out of proportion ? Posted by week . A simple , special , extraordinary moment . A moment I want to pause , savor and remember . If you 're inspired to do the same , leave a link to your ' moment ' in the comments for all to find and see . The minute my mom got home and could watch the baby , Dad and I were in the woods . That morning , Dad had pulled the chips from the cameras so we could see what was still around after week 1 . The group of 5 does were still around and coming to the apple trees on a regular basis . There was one picture of what looked like the small crotch horn and then . . . that 8 point buck ! For the entire week , he would come back to his scrape every other night . He checked it around 6 pm , ate for about 30 minutes and would come back around 4 : 30 am to check the scrape again . He was the most frequent deer on the camera ! ! ! We got settled in the Sky Condo and waited . . . waited . . . waited . We were checking all of the possible trails as it changed from bright and colorful to black , white and gray . A small wind kept things just noisy enough that we could not rely on our ears to hear anything coming in . I leaned forward to look beyond Dad . The next morning , I was up early and ready to go . I wanted to make sure that the minute we hit legal hunting time , I would be ready for that deer to check his scrape again . There was a small breeze still but we were hopeful that a snap would still be heard . It was the first weekend back in the woods since we turned our clocks back , so it felt like it took a long time for the sun to come up . Just before dawn , I saw a deer ! Just a quick flash of the white antlers as he put his head down to graze . They looked small , maybe the spike or crotch horn again . I slapped Dad 's knee Dad got his binoculars out and I got in position , lifted my gun , looked through the scope and aimed at the spot where the deer would step out . I wanted to be ready if I decided to take him . I could see the brown body and the outline of his tail . I kept looking through my scope . My heart was pounding and I tried to take deep breaths without making noise to calm myself down and steady my shot . He still had not stepped out . Three calls on the bleet and nothing . The deer never stepped out beyond the tree but had turned and calmly walked into the woods . We waited another hour and then headed to a new spot . Dad left me and made a big loop trying to catch up with the deer we had seen earlier . He jumped one deer but the cool thing he found was a rub . A rub on a tree that he could barely get his hands around . A monster rub that I can only assume belongs to my monster buck . Dad finds a lot of cool things when he walks . Some day , I will ask him to take a camera with him and document all of these things ! But , our day went on and ended quietly . No deer in the afternoon or evening . We ended week 2 empty - handed but still hopeful that a cold snap or the onset of the rut could get that 8 pointer moving more frequently . This weekend , we will only hunt on Saturday instead of Friday afternoon due to some scheduling issues and the fact that for the first time EVER , we are bringing along a 3rd person ! Hubby is coming hunting with us . I told him he was not allowed to shoot that 8 pointer this weekend and he just laughed . Dad and I need to figure out the logistics for a 3 person hunt ; Hubby has not hunted from a tree stand and one of mine is too small for him . I would stick him in the Sky Condo and go sit in another seat but with him as eager to land that 8 pointer as I am , I dont think I want to share that potential good spot . It 's game on ! I was so worried about my son waking up in the middle of the night and subsequently waking up my parents , that I barely slept . This was our first overnight and every little whimper had me ready to jump out of bed and make him a bottle . When I got up at 4 : 30 it seemed as though I had just gone to bed . But it was opening day and there were deer to find ! Dad and I had looked over the memory cards from our cameras the night before . Dad asked me to keep track of how many bucks I saw in the photos . One spike , one crotch horn , another spike , a small six ( maybe ) pointer , two more crotch horns , a NICE , wide six - pointer and a bunch of does . More does . The same does . Turkeys . Grass . Grass . A coyote ( boo ! ) and then . . . a perfect , beautiful , thick 8 - point buck eating grass in front of the Sky Condo . I think he is my ghost deer ! I will grab camera photos next week , but he was incredible . His antlers are symmetrical , he has thick shoulders and I want to shoot him very badly ! I have my target all picked out . So , Saturday morning , Dad and I headed to the Sky Condo in the dark . There was only one problem . Dad was sick . To quote Mom , this was probably the " second time in twenty - five years " that he has been sick . Exhausted , coughing , congested and with a runny nose , Dad walked into the woods with me . The smell of cherry would linger in the wind with each new cough drop he ate . We waited for first light . The sun started to come up but there was no movement in the woods . The does that we had been seeing were the same group from last year ( I think ) and we knew the area that they stayed in . Instead of moving to my tree seat , I opted to go to the stand that we put up last year . It 's narrow and the bar is a lot lower than what I am use to , but I hada feeling that if those deer are not by the Condo , they were up there . I was right ! We jump them as we crested the hill . They snorted , blow and bounced away from us . Dad has a doe permit and could shoot one , but he said that he wants to leave them so the bucks stay around . I can only shoot a buck . Scrape at the bottom of my tree stand It was slow moving and warm in the sun . Dad drooped me off and pointed out a scrape less than 10 feet from the bottom rung of the seat . I climbed up and started the watch . There were a group of turkeys that came in for a few minutes and I got reeducated on how loud a single grey squirrel can be . Finally , I saw a spike horn but he was just walking through the small gap at the end of my shooting lane . I didn 't want to shoot him but it was nice to know that the deer were still where we thought they were . I heard Dad cough before I saw him . He was walking back from where the spike was , but he never saw him . He did jump a doe and a crotch horn . He said that he would have shot him but then remembered that I wanted the big deer . I was ( and am ) torn about that . As much as I really want that 8 - pointer , or even that wide 6 - pointer , I want meat in the freezer first and foremost . I told Dad that he could have shot him . Maybe next time . At lunch , Dad ate half of what he normally eats so I know that he still doesn 't feel good . It was really warm when we headed out after lunch . I sat while Dad walked a bit . Our goal was to get back to the Sky Condo in enough time to be settled as the light started to fade . There was rain coming and we were hoping for some movement . On our way back , Dad had to stop more often to rest . When we made it , he draped himself over the edge and tried to take a nap . He would have laid down on the floor , but it was wet from rain the night before . I wanted to called it . Dad , this is stupid . We are going in . It is just the first weekend . You need to be healthy to drag my deer out of the woods ! We were home by 3pm . Dad is recovering and should be better for this weekend . I was able to get home and get my son to bed at his normal bedtime , which was a plus for all of us . It was not a great opening day , but we saw deer . This week , we will be out Friday afternoon and all day Saturday . I am hoping for that 8 pointer , but I will take the wide 6 . My goal is to have a complete set of ( even ) racks ; I have a spike horn ( my first ) , a 10 - pointer and the crotch horn that I shot last year . I need a 6 and 8 point rack to complete the set . If I shoot the 8 - pointer , any of those crotch horns could be 6 pointers next year = ) Posted by I really want to get familiar with the job , the materials that we have and the current deer data . I 'm diving into the management systems that we have and looking at what our strengths and weaknesses are . I have been researching how other states work with their deer herds and what works or doesn 't work for them in terms of management . Places like New York and Vermont as well as Canadian providence ' like New Brunswick all face the same climate challenges that we face here in Maine . I have also been talking to regional biologists and hearing their opinions and suggestions on what they want to see in their areas of the state . I want to make myself available to the public and really get out there and talk to stake holders and hear what their issues and concerns are . We are all invested in a healthy deer herd and I want to hear about it . In 2015 , we will be in our planning phase of the deer work plan . The last time we did this was in 2000 and we put together a comprehensive plan on where we wanted the herd to be in 15 years . Now , it is time to look at where we are and where we want to be in another 15 years . The public is a critical part of the plan and I want to learn about the goals and issues that people have when it comes to hunting , viewing and the overall total of deer in their area . When the plan is done , it will lay out how we want to shape the deer herd in terms of health , harvest numbers , and goals for each wildlife management district . I want to make sure that I have as much knowledge and partnerships in place as possible so that we can design a successful new system to meet the needs of the herd over the next 15 years . The herd is rebounding really nicely . We have not had a bad winter in a few years , so the population is really coming back . Our buck kill index for the 2012 hunting season is almost above our ten year average . Zones 3 and 6 had their highest buck harvest since 1963 . Weather is a big one . If we have a harsh winter , there is nothing I can do about it but it can have a big impact . Also the loss of habitat has played its part in hurting the well being of local herds or driving them out of the areas where habit loss is an issue . We are constantly working with logging companies and land owners to manage habitat . ( laughs ) Huh . I think I would rather have a mild winter to help the deer . You can always control the population if it gets to be too strong , through more permits being issued or control culls . By controlling the number of deer , you can also control the concentration of ticks . I am glad that people are so passionate about the deer because we can turn that passion into action to help grow a healthy deer herd . What we need to stop doing , is talking about how there are no deer here . I have had people come up to me and talk about how they are seeing deer or more deer on their property than they have in the past three or four years . We need to stop being negative when it comes to our deer population ; we went though a normal ebb and flow in our numbers and deer are resilient and bounce back quickly . If we want people from out of state to come back to Maine to hunt , we need to stop talking about the lack of deer and realize that they are coming back stronger than before . It is a great time to get into the woods and hunt deer ! Deer season starts tomorrow ! ! ! Dad and I have had the cameras up seriously for about a month or so . The excitement of bringing the memory cards home , waiting to see if there are new pictures and then of what . . . it 's almost like Christmas morning for us . We have three cameras out , two by the Sky Condo and one by my tree seat . One of this year 's photos ( the last one , below ) got Dad and I talking . Is it better to know what you have out there , even if you never see it ? or is the element of surprise better ? This year 's photo . This is the only photo we have of our ghost deer and he is walking away from the Sky Condo . He is approx . where I dropped my deer in 2012 . So what is your preference ? Would you rather get some great photos of awesome deer but never see them again or would you rather be surprised when you are out there hunting and a big deer steps out ? I realize that before trail cams , the later was the norm but now that we are spoiled , which do you prefer ? After we went to find some Epic Moose , Brian , Robin and I went to have lunch at Grand Falls . It was a perfect Maine fall day . The sky was blue , the fall leaves were vibrant colors of orange and red and yellow and the Dead River was pristine . Brian made us partridge sandwiches with cranberries and walnuts and moose stew . We washed them down with a beer an soaked up the sun . We could not have picked a more perfect day ! A Friday ritual . A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week . A simple , special , extraordinary moment . A moment I want to pause , savor and remember . If you 're inspired to do the same , leave a link to your ' moment ' in the comments for all to find and see . Brian was able to get urine from a bull moose that one of his clients shot the week before . This is straight moose pee ! Walking into the choppin 's Last week , I told you that Robin and I were going with our friend Brian from Epic Adventures , to find moose for a photo safari . It turned out to be one of the best days I have ever spent in the woods . Brian picked us up at 4 : 30am and we headed north . We had coffee and cameras , memory cards , batteries and binoculars . Brian had brought along some snacks and had made us an incredible moose stew and sandwiches for lunch ! We were all set . I had never seen a moose in its element before . I have seen them randomly running through fields or one runs through my parents back yard once every five years or so , but I have never seen a moose in the woods . I was already excited about our adventure , but when we turned off onto a dirt road and came upon a cow and calf , I knew this was going to be a great day ! As daylight broke , we unloaded the truck , grabbed some gear - which included a bottle of actual moose urine , a handmade racking tool that Brian made out of moose scapula , and a modified funnel that Brian uses for calls , and got on our way . From where we were in this photo , we can hear 2 cows and a bull calling back to us . One cow was calling from our left , towards the pond and the other was coming from the direction that we were heading . The bull was paired up with the first cow in the swamp . The temperature was 34 degrees as the three of us began walking down the road and into a chopping . Brian knows this area well and had been there the night before scouting . When we made our first call , we heard a cow call back within seconds . We were in a good spot ! We called a bit , walked a bit and called a bit more . Before too long , we had two cows calling back to us . Then , we heard a bull ! The short grunts were a welcomed sound and the three of us couldn 't wait to see him . The longer we listened and called , the more sure Brian became that the bull was paired up with one of our cows . In order for us to get a good look at him , we needed to move into the woods and challenge him . We turned and headed into the woods and closer to a small pond , where Brian was sure the moose were hanging out . We got settled and Brian began calling again . Within minutes , we heard the grunts . They got closer and closer and before long , Robin and I could see the trees and bushes moving as a small bull came up from the pond . When he paused trying to smell us , Brian had Robin spray some urine into the air in the direction of the moose to help cover our scent . As we tried to get some better looks at this bull , there was a loud snap behind us and another moose came towards us ! ! ! They were all around us . We could still hear the cows bellowing and as the first bull moved off , the second bull came into view . I have never seen a moose in the woods . I have seen cows running through fields and I had one run across my family 's back yard , but I have never seen them in their natural habitat . I was in awe ! Brian called and racked the bushes . He sprayed some urine and racked some more . No one moved . The bulls swayed his head a little bit and kept walking towards us . These photos simply do not convey how close this moose was to us ! He would have continued to get closer , but Brian made sure we stayed safe and started talking and waving his arms to get the moose to leave . When I turned to Robin , I couldn 't tell which of us had the bigger smile on our face . Brian called a little longer and we continued to hear cows and bulls responding to us . We were in moose mecca ! We heard lots of crashing and slashing in front of us and at one point , even had a cow come charging out of the woods , run right past us and head back down into the bog . We hoped that there would be a bull behind her , but no such luck . With smiles on our faces , we headed back out to the truck for a snack and to move on to our next spot . The sun was shining , the sky was blue and we were alone in the woods with the moose . It truly was an Epic Moose Adventure ! I know that I owe you all a couple blog posts , esp one about my epic moose sight seeing adventure . . . But until then , check out this live deer camera ! I would LOVE to see some of these big bucks while I 'm in the woods . Deer season starts for rifles in Maine in just a couple of weeks so I am using this cam as a sort of prep work for me . Ha ! Enjoy : http : / / thecrush . tv / deer - cam I am writing this letter to you because I want to encourage you to become educated on one very important topic that you will be seeing and hearing more about . It is the issue of bear hunting in Maine . In the upcoming months , there will be a lot of political spin on the bear issue in Maine . I want you to feel as though you are getting a real picture of what the issue is before you cast that ballot next November . Am I biased ? Yes . I do not bear hunt but I know enough about it to have a very strong opinion about this issue . I am hoping that as my friend , you will grant me a few minutes to hear me out on the issue . First , when you are hunting , there is no guarantee that you will shoot the animal that you are after . No matter what you do . When it comes to bear hunting , Maine is the only state that allows three different types of hunting ; hounds ( you must train dogs to find and then tree a bear ) , trapping ( imagine a circle that you step into and it tightens around you . It only tightens if you pull on it but will not cut into you . It also loosens up if you don 't pull at it or if you pick at it like you would a knot in your shoe lace . Legally , you must check on these types of traps daily and each hunter is only allowed one of these traps ) and baiting ( you leave a barrel of sweets in the woods and hope the bear finds it and keeps coming back ) . All of these methods only work if there are bears around and you are in the right place at the right time and choose to shoot the animal . You are not going to find a bear hunter who will shoot a cub or a sow with cubs . You won 't . And if you do , they should not be allowed to hunt . Period . Second , Maine has some of the BEST state biologist around . Randy Cross is the bear biologist in Maine . I went with Randy one spring to tag bear cubs and I can assure you that he lives and breathes bears . He has been working with the bear population in Maine for more than 30 years ! He has been studying and learning about the bears here for as long as I have been alive . Think about that for a minuErin I started hunting in 2002 with my Dad and decided I liked it enough to blog about it . I write about my hunting adventures , issues involving the Maine outdoors and outdoor women . I hunt everything from deer and bear to rabbit , turkey and coyotes . |
On April 11 , in anticipation of Rocky 's first big trip ( airplanes ! ) , we headed out for an afternoon training with Jared Latham of American Service Dogs to work on special access skills . Our destination ? The Barnes & Noble bookstore at New Mexico State University , because it is the only place in Las Cruces that has an escalator . We were joined by three other service dog handler teams , plus three other members of the ASD staff , so we made quite an entrance . Barnes & Noble has three things that make it an ideal place to practice for airports : escalators ( tall ones ! ) , an elevator , and handicap - access push button doors . It also has a nice , roomy floor plan , so our presence wasn 't intrusive . Some time ago , before I met Rocky , she had been on an escalator in training with Jared , but that was over nine months ago . I never went on escalators during my years with Ripley , and have always been a little nervous about them ; they can be intimidating . If available , I will still always choose an elevator . But here 's the thing : sometimes the escalator is right in front of you , and the elevator is located way in the back of the building . Since fatigue can be a major factor for me now , having the option of using an escalator is a perk . So I was willing to learn . At first , Rocky balked , and wouldn 't go hear the base of the escalator . But Sabrina had the brilliant idea of boarding ahead of us . As soon as she did that , Rocky stepped right on with me . After that , there was no stopping her . The two of us went up and down the escalators more than ten round trips . And if a dog can grin - well , she was grinning . Her tail was pumping like a metronome . Rocky was clearly pleased with herself , and jazzed about this new skill and her success . She trotted from one side to the next , to the point I had to slow her down so I could rest . After it was clear this was a done deal , we moved outside to the handicapped access doors . Up to this point , I have only practiced this skill at home , using a fake button on the wall . I held a treat above the button and gave the command : " Rocky , touch ! " Bam ! She nailed that button with both paws , and the door came open . Whoop ! We repeated it several times on the outside door , and then went inside , where the button is different , a smaller rectangular shape at a slightly different height , and bam ! She nailed it again ! Rocky , Sabrina and I went home feeling very good about the day . Just to reinforce everything , we returned to Barnes & Noble the next afternoon , and went through all of it one more time on our own , without any other dog / handler teams , or our trainer . Piece of cake . Ready to rock and roll ! Anybody passing by our house over the last week has heard a lot of what my American Service Dogs trainer Jared Latham calls " the Barbie Doll voice . " Especially when teaching a dog a new skill , it 's critical to get really , really excited when the dog does it right . I not only reward the behavior with a treat , but I get downright silly with praise . And that means switching my voice to a not - everyday high - pitched tone , to differentiate from the usual tone I use to give the commands . Hence , " Barbie Doll . " And what have we been working on ? Something well worth all the squeaking . Rocky is learning how to push a button to activate an automatic door , like the ones they have for handicapped access . Let 's backtrack , and I 'll walk you through what we 've been doing . First , the need . When I 'm out in public , I usually use a cane . I don 't always need one when I leave the house , but I never know when that may change , as my episodes can come upon me very quickly , leaving me either weak and unsteady , or unable to walk at all . Holding Rocky 's leash in one hand , and a cane in the other makes doors tricky if I am out on my own , plus doors are often heavy . Some doors , like at grocery stores , are operated by sensors , so that 's no problem . But others have handicapped access buttons . The idea is to train Rocky to push those buttons , so that I don 't have to . How do you train a dog to push a button that 's up on the wall ? At American Service Dogs , there is a practice button , so I knew I would work up to this gradually . I watched another client one day , Katie , with her dog , who is quite large . He knew full well how to do it , but wasn 't really in the mood for training . When Katie insisted he go through with the exercise , he finally walked up to it , and slammed it so hard that the button fell off the wall and onto the floor . Then he looked at all of us as if to say , " There . Button pushed . Are you satisfied ? " We couldn 't help breaking into laughter . The basic command you use is " Touch . " Jared started me out on that , showing me how . He knelt in front of Rocky when she was in a sit position , with a treat in one hand , and he cupped his other hand in front of her , low to the ground . He said , " Touch , " trying to get her to put her paw in his hand . When she didn 't , he tickled the bottom of a paw gently with one finger until she placed the paw into his hand , and then rewarded her . After a few tries , she began to respond to the tickle fairly quickly , placing her paw in his hand . We haven 't been to the kennel in a couple of weeks , and I was feeling guilty about not introducing any new training . I thought , " How can I go to the next step with ' Touch ' and have Rocky respond to a button ? " Well , first I needed a button . After I little brainstorming , I came up with the idea of using a furniture coaster - you know , the round plastic discs you use to slide heavy furniture around easily ? It was the right size and shape . I attached it to our glass side entrance door with adhesive velcro strips , and voila ! A practice button ! ( This impressed Sabrina , so I felt pretty pleased with myself . ) Now , how to transition Rocky from touching my hand , to touching the button ? Enter Pup Peroni training treats and " Barbie Doll " voice . For the next several days , I gradually focused Rocky 's attention from my hand to the door , then to the button . I tapped the button , rewarding her just for looking at it . I rewarded her for lifting her paw in the general direction . And finally , she made contact with the glass ! Huge squeals on my part ! The next day , she actually touched the button , at the end of the training session . And today , on leash , we walked toward the button , with me giving me the command just as we neared the door , and six times in a row , she touched that damn button with her paw . I don 't know who was more excited , Rocky or me . She was wiggling back and forth , so proud of herself . We went inside to brag to Sabrina and talk all about it , and everybody ( all the dogs ) got cookies . Then , of course , I realized I needed a picture for this blog post , and hadn 't taken one . So I took her back outside , and asked her to do it again . Tricky - trying to offer the treat , give the command , and hold my cell phone steady to take the photo . She successfully touched the button twice , and I got two shots . It wasn 't until I was back inside that I realized something really interesting : up until this point , every single time Rocky has responded to the " Touch " command , she has used her left paw . Jared had even commented on that first day , " Oh , she 's a lefty . " So what do I see in the best of the two photos , the last one I took ? She touched the button with her right paw . Go figure . She 's ambidextrous . Now , as you may remember , if you 've been following this blog , Rocky had had no experience with cats prior to moving into our household . On the day we first met Rocky in May , at the American Service Dogs kennel , we brought in Dozer , our most easy - going cat , to see how Rocky would react . We wanted to make sure she would be able to adapt . She seemed curious and eager to play , but with no bad intentions . When she finally came to our house for an overnight visit in August , it became clear that Rocky was a bit more focused on cats than was comfortable . She spent her entire first twenty - four hours skittering around , wanting to lunge after every cat that came into view . ( We had four . ) Ah , more work needed . So we then brought Bailey , our oldest and grumpiest cat , in to the kennel , and worked with trainer Jared Latham to try to desensitize my dog . Between Bailey 's body language and a squirt bottle , we managed to get the message across that cats were to be left alone . It still took a while for Rocky to calm down completely at home , but eventually she made peace with the cats . Just as with our other two dogs , canine and feline co - habitate without incident . During all of this time , my wife Sabrina has been fostering kittens for ACTion Programs for Animals ( APA ) . A total of thirty - seven kittens have passed through our house this year , on their way to new homes . Sabrina 's office is kitten central , with two big kitten condos set up , so she can keep two separate litters at a time . She lets them out to play during the day , but only in her office , with the door closed . The great thing is that all of our dogs have been exposed to the little ones , without anyone being in danger . Rocky has had lots of opportunity to be around kittens , in a safe way . It has also let the kittens get used to dogs . But Sabrina finally succumbed , and became an official " foster failure " with Dilly Pickle , meaning that with this one kitten , she simply couldn 't give him up . So he 's staying with us . About three months old , he was the runt of the litter , all of them polydactyl ( having extra digits - it looks like their paws are mittens ! ) , and Dilly himself is missing more than half of his back left leg - an injury that occurred before APA got him from the shelter . His first weeks in our house , Dilly was with his litter mates in a kitten condo . But after the others were old enough to be adopted , and we made the decision to keep him , we moved his condo into our bedroom . Kitten season is over , so he is now the only little guy in the house . It took a few days for Sabrina to feel brave enough to let him run around , and at first he was closely guarded . However , it soon became apparent that this little guy has no idea he is disabled . He began climbing up to the top of our cat trees , scrambling up every piece of furniture , leaping off of bureaus . He is fearless . And , having grown up with dogs coming in and out of his room , Dilly thinks they are just one more option for playtime . I was pretty cautious with Rocky initially . I 'm still working on her reaction to rabbits on our walks outside . That prey behavior , which triggers something instinctual . I didn 't want this small creature , running quickly , to spark a bad reaction . But I needn 't have worried . From the beginning , she has been wonderful . She will be half asleep on the bed , and Dilly runs right over her body , and Rocky barely even raises her head . Once Rocky ran from the front door towards the kitten , who was across the room , just to say hi . The kitten was startled , and did a Halloween cat all - fluffed - up - and - hissing greeting . Rocky immediately stopped right in front of him , and lowered her head , as if to apologize . " Sorry , little guy . Didn 't mean to scare you ! " Wagging tails are huge fun , of course . Ripley will eventually give warning snaps , because Dilly has sharp teeth , and he bites down hard on those tails . The warnings are good , as Dilly is beginning to learn some boundaries . Overall , of the three dogs , I had worried about Rocky the most , because she is the youngest , and has never had a kitten loose in the house . Yet , surprisingly , she has been the best with Pickle . I think Ripley is getting grumpier in her old age . And Malakai doesn 't like having his favorite spot in the bed taken . After hearing about our first home visit last week , where Rocky spent the entire time straining at her leash and on tiptoe , cat hunting , trainer Jared Latham at American Service Dogs said , " Bring me a cat . " Well , we have several to choose from . Dozer isn 't a good option , because he simply doesn 't care ; too nonchalant . Kenji is equally unfit , because he 's smart enough to freeze ; a cat that doesn 't move won 't stimulate enough interest . Little Bit is certainly pissy enough . A little too pissy . Neither one of us wanted to lose a limb in the process . She also has a bad habit of peeing all over you when she 's stressed , and we didn 't really want to add that to the afternoon 's agenda . So Bailey seemed the obvious candidate . Bailey is the same age as Ripley ; well , actually her senior by about two months . She turned eleven in March . So she 's the grande dame in the household . She has always been regal and rather aloof , not much into the whole petting , lap - sitting thing . In fact , she 's not very interested in humans , except for their obvious usefulness as providers of food . There are only two instances where she asks for human touch : one , when you are sitting on the toilet , and she rubs against your legs , asking for head scratches ; and two , when you are in bed , and she cuddles against your feet . Be warned , though - if it gets hot , and one has the audacity to stick one 's feet out from under the covers , Bailey does not hesitate to bite your toes for that rude disturbance . She does , though , like dogs . She was completely enamored of our little Catahoula - cross , Houla , who passed away a few years ago . Now , she is infatuated with Malaki , our pit - boxer cross . She rubs up against him , cuddles with him , loves to groom his face . We arrived at American Service Dogs with Bailey in the cat carrier , and went back to Jared 's office . Rocky , Sabrina , Jared , Bailey and I were all in the small room , ready for cat training . At first , Jared had us leave Bailey in the carrier , and I had Rocky on leash . My job was to walk Rocky around the room and correct her whenever she looked at the carrier . One time Jared used a spray bottle as a correction . After that , it was just me , " AHHT " voice corrections , and leash tugs . Rocky 's eyes kept going back to the carrier , but eventually I managed to convince her this was off limits , and she went into a down / stay right in front of the carrier , eyes averted . We went back to the small office , for the real test . Jared let Bailey out of the carrier . Of course , as I knew she would , Bailey immediately went under the sofa . Since we wanted her to stay visible , Jared got down on the floor and reached underneath to grab her . Even as he did it , I thought to myself , " Oops . This is not going to end well . " He pulled back his hand suddenly and yelped , " Hey ! She bit me ! " One of the rules with cats : When they are hiding , do not reach underneath into said hiding place bare - handed to grab . You don 't know what end you are going to get , and they have a much better turning radius than you do . You are going to lose . When we are trying to flush out a cat , we use either a squirt bottle , or a stick ( broom stick , yard stick , etc . ) I handed Jared my cane . " Try this . " He swept it underneath the couch , and Bailey popped out the other side , coming up to the top of the couch . Now she remained in our sight , and I was able to work more with Rocky , who was interested ( OK , very interested ) , but managed to stay in her down / stay position with some effort . Bailey took control at this point . Parading her diva self around the room , she made it very clear that she was in charge , she would not be intimidated , and this dog had better learn some manners . She strolled right past Rocky at one point , and sat just inches away from her . By the end of the session , I was able to let Rocky off leash , and she walked slowly over to Bailey , without aggression , and gave her friendly , respectful face licks . Just a couple . Then she retreated . No one got clawed or hissed at . No one got chased or terrified . Bailey returned to her carrier with dignity . While Ripley and I were in California in June , we spent ten of our eighteen days camping out at my good friend Wendy Dayton 's house . The visit didn 't go quite as planned - Wendy was to be my wheels for the duration ( as she often had been before I left California ) , and we had a list of fun activities on the agenda . But the night before I flew out of New Mexico , she texted me at about 10 p . m . - " Houston , we have a problem . " She was at the emergency room , waiting to have x - rays of her foot . While dusting cobwebs out of the spare bedroom ( where I was to stay ) , she had stepped down off of a bed , fallen , twisted her ankle - and , yes in deedy , broken a bone in her foot . Oops . The right foot , of course , which meant she couldn 't drive . So , after frantic rearranging ( figuring out an airporter bus , how to get to her house , etc . , etc . ) , I did safely arrive at Wendy central , to find her in her very stylish big boot . Here I was , the friend who could be so helpful . She is a single woman living alone with three dogs who is suddenly stranded for six weeks . I am the house guest with one more dog , who can 't drive either . Aren 't we a party waiting to happen ? Our plans needed to be altered ; somehow we managed , thanks to Uber , the goodwill of friends , former paid drivers of mine , and pizza delivery . And , of course , a sense of humor . Shanti is Ripley 's age ; they 've known each other forever , with many shared visits to the dog park over the years . She 's white and black , sleek and fast , despite her advancing years , and loves to chase balls . Although completely sweet , she still , when excited ( such as when you first walk in the door ) , jumps up on people . Ruby , the little white moppet , is only about four , and thinks she rules the roost . Mostly this shows up when the other dogs try to play , and she attempts to stir up trouble by getting in the middle . Titus is the youngest , a brown and white complete hooligan , lovable but with quite a few bad habits , which include barking at all who go by the house , barking when anyone is talking on the phone , barking in general , chasing all cleaning implements ( while barking ) , and jumping up on the back of people 's legs repeatedly . And , all three of them love to rush out to the back yard to bark , whenever that opportunity arises . When we would come in the front door , we would be greeted by a cacophony of barking , and Wendy would have to use the door and her legs to push the dogs back in order to enter . We didn 't even try with the pizza delivery guy . Wendy put the money outside with an envelope , and a note to leave the pizza on the porch . It would have been utter chaos otherwise . At one point , a neighbor came by to speak to Wendy about repairing a fence , and the poor man was drowned in barking , until Wendy was finally able to push her way through the dog body mass to get outside to find out what he wanted . Let me stress : These are not bad dogs . They are all wonderful dogs . They simply have some not so desirable habits . And since I had nothing better to do , I thought , why not try out some of the dog training techniques I have been learning ? So , while Wendy was at work , I began with the very basic command that Jared Latham of American Service Dogs had taught me for correction : " AHHT ! " It 's a stern , guttural correction that gets a dog 's attention . You say it , then follow it with whatever your command is . When the dog responds , then you give praise . Every time Titus barked , I barked right back . " AHHT ! " He startled . And stopped barking . Immediately . If Shanti jumped on me , I said , " AHHT ! Off ! " Then I ignored her until she came up to me respectfully . When Titus jumped on the back of my legs , I raised my leg up backwards , pushing him off , and said , " AHHT ! Off ! " When Ruby went running right into everybody 's business , I said , " AHHT ! " There was a lot of " AHHT " - ing going on those first few days . But it worked . Miraculously . After four days , I left the house with a friend , who came to pick me up for coffee . When I returned , I put the key in the lock , opened the door β¦ and was greeted by three silent dogs , tails wagging . Not a single bark . ( I am finally caught up ! Well , practically . This post is for last night 's training session . From here on out , we 'll be in REAL TIME ! ) As 6 p . m . approached , time for our training session at American Service Dogs , I almost called to cancel . I was feeling that rotten . But then I thought , no , that doesn 't make sense . Rocky needs to see me when I 'm at my best - and at my worst . Because that 's what she is going to have to learn how to do ; read my body language , and know what I need from her . I can 't teach that if I only show up on good days . So Ripley , Sabrina and I got into the truck and headed out . Jared Latham , our trainer , could tell right away I wasn 't at the top of my game . But he said , " That 's OK . We 'll go ahead with the movement work , and just take it at your pace . Let me know when you need to rest . " He also said it would be good for Rocky , because she would have to learn to adjust her pace to mine . I began to walk around the room in a circle , as I had done two days before , this time using my cane . I was feeling very weak , so I was walking incredibly slowly . It was like watching super slo - mo , a grandma shuffle . Rocky was at heel on my left . At first , she had no idea what to do . The pace was so much slower than what we had used on Tuesday that she was completely thrown off . She couldn 't tell what her role was . I would take a step , and she would sit down before I took my next step . So she was bopping up and down between a step and a sit , in between my shuffles . Then she did downward dog stretches between a couple of my steps . After that , once or twice she simply laid down , waiting for me to catch up . Jared told me to keep giving her the command " Easy , " reminding Rocky to hold back , stay in step with me . At the beginning , we were the only ones in class . But then the little shepherd Fling arrived , with her handler . They stepped into the center of the circle , and started working on basic commands . We interspersed our glacial walking with right circles , left circles , and U - turns , and occasional sit / stays and down / stays . Gradually , Rocky fell into step with me , got into rhythm . Now her biggest problem was when our circle passed one of the other dogs in the room - Ripley or Fling . Rocky likes dogs . She 's social . She wants to veer out , say hi . Jared helped me to do small corrections , keeping Rocky 's focus on me , adjusting her attention , while at the same time keeping her pace at my pace . I would like to say at this point how much I appreciate Jared , and how much I am learning from him . That 's Jared , the photo up top . I hope at a later date to interview him to find out more details about his background . For now , I can tell you he received his initial dog training from his service in the Army , where he worked with bomb dogs . He left the service because a bomb went off too close to him , and he has TBI ( traumatic brain injury ) . It affects his short - term memory ( among other things ) , and he compensates by keeping everything written down , logged , relying heavily on his iPhone , iMac , etc . ( He 's a Mac guy , through and through . ) The Army used to be very focused on more punitive dog training : choke collars , adverse conditioning . But they learned in more recent years that wasn 't so effective , and have moved towards more positive reinforcement . In addition to training service dogs , Jared helps many people in Las Cruces deal with aggressive dogs . He uses that combination : strictness when necessary , lots of rewards and praise when that is enough . As I work with Rocky , Jared often walks quietly along beside me , and at just the right moment , tells me when I can give a slight corrective tug to the leash , or reminds me to give a verbal command , so Rocky knows what is coming next . He also acknowledges the times I have done something correctly , noticing when I catch Rocky just before she breaks out of her sit during a stay , or starts to wander , which reinforces my self confidence . I feel as if every day I am adding tools to my kit , building my knowledge base . One last thing about this night : When I arrive , Rocky almost always runs to greet us . But it is usually Ripley she goes to initially , not me . She loves other dogs , and has included Ripley in her circle of friends . Then she 'll turn to me and say hi . At the end of training on Tuesday , though , something different happened . I was exhausted . Laurie , the kennel helper , asked if I was done , and I said yes , and handed her Rocky 's leash . Laurie turned , and she and Rocky walked all the way to the door of the training room . Then Rocky spun around , and ran to the end of her leash to come back to me . As if she wanted to say goodbye . My heart melted on the spot . As much as I had been looking forward to my three - week trip to California , I also felt reluctant to go . It seemed I was just starting to make a connection with Rocky , and then I left . Would I have to start all over again ? My first day back with her was on June 28 . We were joined in class by the big Mastiff , Danu , and a new little herding dog named Fling , there for her first day of class . ( It 's funny ; training is just like going to a dog park . I 'm learning the names of all the dogs , but not , so far , the names of the handlers . It 's impossible not to learn the dog names , as every command starts with the name : " Fling , sit . " " Danu , stay . " " Rocky , come . " You get the picture . We started off as always with sits , the most basic command , then worked on sit / stays and down / stays , now up to 10 seconds . Danu was having a " I don 't really want to pay attention to my handler " day , so Jared , our trainer , was assisting with some stern corrections . Add that to the fact that Rocky looked at Jared the entire time we were in the room , and I was getting a little frustrated . It was as if I wasn 't even at the other end of the leash . However , I knew this was mostly because I had been away , and she hadn 't seen me . It was a case of " Who are you again ? " On top of that , I was feeling a bit " whooshy , " which is my short - hand way of saying I was weak and kind of on the edge of having a paralysis attack - which I did not want to happen . ( Not that my preferences have ever mattered in the least . ) To make matters worse , I had forgotten both my cane and my bottle of water . As we moved on to other commands , Jared had me take Rocky into the adjoining training room , so there would be fewer distractions . I worked on straight line heels , where I say , " Heel , " lead off with the left foot , step one step , then stop , and Rocky is supposed to sit at my side . We also practiced " Comes , " where I stand in front of her , step back to the end of a loose leash with her in a sit position , say her name to get her attention , and BEFORE she moves , say , " Come , " and she is supposed to come and sit at my feet . Rocky was doing great on these two exercises - except every time Jared would poke his head in the room , she would do her " sit " backwards , facing him instead of me . Gaw ! Finally , it was the end of class , and we returned to the main room for our last exercise , the extended down / stay , where we stand next to our dogs for about 10 minutes . Sabrina looked at me and said , " Are you OK ? Do you need a chair ? " " I mumbled , " I 'm fine . " The woman working with Fling said , " Are you just saying that ? " To which I had to honestly answer , " Uh , yeah , " as I started to wobble . The kennel assistant , Laurie , and Sabrina both grabbed a chair and brought it to me . I guess it 's not as easy to hide what 's going on as I sometimes think . On July 1 , I returned to training , and Jared asked right away how I was doing . I happily reported I was feeling stronger . I found we were working with Fling again . Her handler immediately said , " You look better today ! " We increased our time on sit / stays and down / stays to one minute , and again worked on name / come commands and straight line heels . By the end of the class , I felt I had made that connection again , and Rocky was working beautifully with me . Jared said he would keep us in the Obedience One group for another week or two , then bump us up to Obedience Two . That means we 'll start moving out into the world , beginning our access training , getting used to people , elevators , electronic doors , cars - all those things a dog is not exposed to when training in a kennel . One of my favorite parts about these nights is this - whenever we enter the training room , Rocky runs up to give Ripley a nose kiss . Usually during the training session , I don 't use treats as a reward , except at the very end for new tasks . This drives Ripley crazy , because she is so food oriented . Why is that other dog getting little cookies ? So as soon as we finish , I walk Rocky over to where Ripley is sitting , next to Sabrina , and give Ripley the " down " command , then reward her with a treat . Rocky always lies down , too , right next to Ripley . Double treat . That 's the way the evening ends - Rocky and Ripley side by side on Ripley 's blanket , with Rocky 's tail wagging madly . * * If you are enjoying these posts about the adventures of Rocky and Ripley , I have a favor to ask of you . Please click on the Calendar / Date icon on the top of the page to open this individual post . Once you have done that , a number of options will appear at the bottom of the page . You can " like " the post , add a comment , check the box below the comment box that says , " Notify me of new posts by email , " or share this post with others via your favorite social media outlet - Facebook , Twitter , Google + , Pinterest , or email . Thanks so much for reading , and dog kisses from Rocky and Ripley ! I sat on the floor , with my legs apart in a vee . She would wander across the room , sniffing around . I called her name , and she would come running , landing in a heap in my lap , or sliding full body between my legs . Then she would just lie there , head over my thigh , luxuriating in the attention . She will blossom in our home , I am sure of it . She is so ready to be with a primary handler , away from the kennel . Ripley was a bit confused by me paying attention to Rocky , not sure what her role was . She wandered over periodically , checking in . I completely understand that she is trying to sort this out . Who is this interloper , taking up space in my lap ? But there was no hostility or aggression . I tried to include her as much as I could , and she had her blanket , her " safe space , " to return to , when Rocky and I were involved with each other . Sabrina was also there to help out . There was a poodle in a kennel in the same room who barked much of the time which was annoying and gave Sabrina a headache so that wasn 't great , but otherwise - the hour was very good . Only one incident . Rocky kept licking one foot . She let me look at her other feet , was very good about letting me touch her body all over . But when I tried to examine the troublesome toe , at first she was OK , but then she got squirrelly , and wouldn 't let me see . Jared , the trainer , came into the room towards the end of the hour , and I asked him about it . He called Rocky over to the couch , and commanded her to give him the foot . She did . He looked at it , and said it was just a scab . But then I noticed she had peed on the floor . Clearly there are some fear issues here . She will do what he tells her to , but only because , at times , he demands it . Jared is a good trainer ; but our styles are different . He sometimes uses a stronger approach than I feel is necessary , and I can tell already that Rocky is as sensitive as Ripley is . Strong is not needed . She will respond to a much lighter approach . One more reason that it will be good for us to have her out of the kennel soon , and in our home , so that I am her primary handler . I had to use to the bathroom before class , and I had Rocky , so I told Sabrina to take Ripley . That was weird for all concerned - for me , to be in a bathroom with another dog , and for Ripley , to let me disappear from her sight . Even in these smallest of things , there are going to be big adjustments for all of us . For our training session , we had two other female classmates , one with a big galoot of a Mastiff , and the other with a young mixed breed , lean but taller than Rocky . From the get - go , it was a difficult night . The Mastiff wasn 't cooperating , so Jared once or twice got his attention with a squirt of canned air , each time scaring the bejesus out of Rocky . After the first blast , Rocky kept trying to avoid Jared , and leave the room , which meant each time one of our exercises landed us near the doorway , she pulled in that direction . Jared was still trying to help the woman with the Mastiff , using verbal corrections , and they tended to be in the middle of the room . So everywhere Rocky and I went , we ran into them , with Rocky shying away . To make matters worse , there was a new kennel helper who was watching the class , and she was doing things such as praising Rocky when she executed a command correctly , or offering suggestions , talking to me , saying , " Jared told me that β¦ . " I was trying to pay attention to Rocky , knowing full well what was going on and what I needed to do , and trying desperately to get Rocky to focus on me . Argh ! By the end of the class , Rocky finally did some really great , attentive " comes . " Jared was talking to me , as I listened out of the corner of my ear , saying , " Yes , good , big praise for that one . " At the the same moment , the kennel helper said , " Good girl , Rocky ! " I had reached my limit . I turned to her and said , " It would be very helpful if you didn 't praise my dog when I am working with her . " She immediately apologized , and stopped her interruptions . After class , we spoke briefly , and I asked her name , said I hadn 't meant to be rude . She said Rocky is her favorite in the kennel , assured me she understood . I also spoke to Jared privately , said , " I hope you didn 't mind ; I had to say that . " He just smiled , said , " She 's new . She 'll learn . It was a hard day . " I had a bit of an epiphany before arriving at our next day of training . Because the training room has fluorescent lights , I have been wearing a special pair of tinted glasses over my regular glasses , designed to protect my eyes - one of the triggers for my episodes of paralysis is fluorescent lights . I realized , though , that one of the problems I seemed to be having was keeping Rocky 's attention , getting her to make eye contact . What if it was the glasses ? What if she couldn 't " find " me behind those two pairs of lenses ? Up to this point , Rocky has spent half the class looking at Jared . I have felt like a poor second , someone she is tolerating at the other end of the leash . But on this day , everything changed . We clicked . For the entire hour that we worked together , Rocky listened to my voice . She looked up at me at the end of every command . We were a team . We learned the four part correction sequence . Give a command . " Rocky , sit . " If she fails to respond , give a voice correction and repeat the command . " AHHT ! Sit . " If she still fails to respond , give a leash correction , along with the voice correction and command . This means I am holding the leash loosely , so I now give a brief tug on the leash in the direction of the position I am asking for , and say , " Rocky , AHHT ! Sit . " If even this fails to give the desired result , I move to the final step , which is to use my hand to place my dog in the correction position ( using as little contact as possible ) , with the dog 's name and command . And always , after the dog has done what I have asked , respond with verbal and physical praise . Rocky , for the most . part , does not need correction . She knows all the commands , and knows how to follow them . The only reason she ever needs correction is because she gets bored ; as in , " Really , do I have to do this again ? I 'd rather lie down now . I 'm tired of sitting . " So that gave me a chance to practice the sequence , at least up to step three . Step four was never needed . After a few times of practice , the steps feel useful and practical . There is no manhandling , no jerking or tugging . Just clear , precise directions in those moments when my dog is not paying attention , and I need to bring her focus back to task . After the class , we had another breakthrough moment . Sabrina asked Jared about Malaki , our other dog , who tends to pull on the leash . Malaki can also be an escape artist ; he has slipped out of a regular collar , so for a while , we used a harness . They discussed different types of collars , and Jared said one possibility was to combine a choke collar with a regular collar , in a manner which keeps the dog secure , without causing choking . He picked up a nearby choke collar and slipped it over Rocky 's head to demonstrate how the leash clips in . As Jared went to remove the collar , it caught on Rocky 's ears , and she cried out . He stopped , and tried again . She shrieked in pain , and it was clear that the collar was too tight , catching as it came over her head . Jared released the collar , and I realized he was going to wait until we left to deal with it . I didn 't want go knowing that my dog was in this situation . I got on the floor with Rocky , my knees on either side of her chest , and took the collar in my hands . Jared got down as well , to hold her ; I believe he thought she might bite or snap out of fear . Gently , very gently , I brought it up on one side first , and worked it to the edge of one ear , lying the ear flat and then pushing it through until that side was free . Then I repeated the movements on the opposite side , and the chain slipped off over her head and nose into my hands . Rocky moved forward into my chest , and licked my hands and face . It wasn 't planned ; it was only a few seconds . But in that moment , Rocky learned she can trust me . And that 's going to take us a long way . We worked in the front training area , which isn 't very large . The first challenge was simply trying to stay in our own space and out of each other 's way . The second was trying to deal with the cacophony of commands . The man used a very large voice for all of his communication with his dog , and it was a bit like listening to a drill sergeant commanding an entire unit . Since my style is much softer , trying to create the cocoon in which Rocky and I could work proved somewhat difficult . But , I had to keep reminding myself , sometimes she will be in a situation with a lot of background noise , and she will still need to be able to shut that out and respond to me . So it 's actually a good thing to practice in all kinds of environments . One of the things that we practiced this time that is very new for me is the use of the command " AAHT ! " instead of " No ! " Here 's the thinking behind this one , from kennel master Jared Latham . If you use the word " No , " dogs learn the word quickly as an indication of bad behavior , and your displeasure . The problem comes if you also use the word " no " in regular conversation . Let 's say you and your spouse are trying to decide where to go for dinner . " Do you want to have Thai food ? " " No , not Thai food again ! How about Chinese ? " " Ack . No , no , no . You know they use MSG and I always get a migraine . What about Mexican ? " So the dog is sitting there , hearing this chorus of " no , " wondering what in the world is going on . She either thinks she has done something wrong , or she begins to tunes it out , as the word slowly loses its impact . Instead , I am learning to say the word " AAHT ! " It is said in a short , clipped , slightly gruff tone , when a dog does not do as she is told . Rocky has already been trained to respond to this command , and when I use it , I am amazed at the reaction - immediate attention . Jared said the sound itself is similar to the low growl that a mother dog makes to check the behavior of a pup . ( I have to tell you that later , after returning home , I tried it out on Malaki , our other dog . Sometimes when I let him out in the backyard at night for one more run before bed , he doesn 't come in at the first call . I realize it 's partially my fault . I say , " Malaki , come . Come , Malaki . Come . Come one , you . Hey , buddy . " Etc . I end up sounding as if I am negotiating , almost pleading . That night , I said , " Malaki , come . " He didn 't come . I called out , " AAHT , come ! " And he came tearing around the corner to the door . Impressive . ) One more thing from tonight 's training . Ripley , as usual , was on the sidelines watching from her blanket . Jared used her as the " demo dog " for several things that we worked on tonight . She was somewhat reluctant to come to him each time , still looking at him with that , " Who the heck are you , and why are you asking me to do these things ? " expression . But he was so sweet with her . As he leaned down to coax her over , he said , " Come on , mamacita . " It made my chest ache , hearing those words from him . My sweet mamacita . |
A couple of weeks ago , the boys and I stopped by Tuesday Morning to check out their puzzles . As we were walking through the parking lot on our way into the store , we saw an older gentleman in the driver 's seat of a van . It looked as if he was waiting for his wife to finish her shopping . We all had a good chuckle because he was asleep and his mouth was open very wide . The boys found that quite funny . Today I was cleaning the house and I could hear the boys playing in the living room . I walked through to see what they were doing . They had been riding their tricycles and had ' parked ' them in front of the side door . They were pretending to be asleep and had their mouths wide open . Even though it had been a couple of weeks since we had seen the old gentleman , I knew right away what they were pretending and I laughed out loud . It was so funny to see them pretending this and also very funny that they remembered it to the point of wanting to pretend it a couple of weeks after we saw it . Very funny . The boys were very good today while I cleaned , thankfully . I am trying to catch up on some much needed cleaning and decluttering . I got a lot done today but still have much to do . I am very thankful that today was the last day of work for the dad for the next two weeks . Yay ! It will be so nice to have him around and the boys are really going to enjoy it too . Also , his sister is coming to visit on Monday and will be staying for about a week and a half , so we are all looking forward to that . The boys are so excited . As it turns out , I did not have a cold . I had / have a sinus infection and it seems that I have probably had it for quite some time and it just kept flaring up . . . . or something like that . Anyway , yesterday was my worst day . I started taking some medicine yesterday morning and today I felt much better . My mom and sister and nephew came for a visit yesterday . The boys had so much fun . The lady who does our post placement reports also came by yesterday . My sister put the boys down for their nap while I talked with the post placement lady ( can 't remember what they are called : ) . When the boys woke up , the first thing they asked about was whether MaMa , Aunt Kathy and Trenton were still here . When I told them that they had gone home , they cried . They are normally gone when the boys wake up from their nap but I 'm thinking maybe we forgot to tell them this time . I felt so bad . Next time I 'll have to remember to set their expectations better . They will get to see them more over the holidays though so that will be nice . So we got the home visit out of the way for our post placement report and I already have all of the photos ready but still need to make copies . It is due by the end of January so we have plenty of time but I always like to make sure that we are early . I think our report will be ready around the first or second week of January so that should be great . After this one , we only have one more to do in January of next year . I have also been spending a good amount of time knocking out pages for the boys ' lifebooks . I am ashamed to admit this because , as much as I have talked about the importance of lifebooks on this blog , I 'm sure people probably would assume I had them finished by now . I had done a lot on Ben 's but I now have finally caught them up where Nick 's and Ben 's are at the same point . I am very close to being finished and will be sooooo happy when they are completed . I am going to try to spend some time on it over the next two weeks and see how much I can accomplish . It seems we may have finally hit the bottom of the gas price drop , according to the news folks anyway . We 'll see . I was really hoping it would get into the dollar - thirty - something range so I am a pretty happy camper right now . Now I am just hoping it doesn 't go back too quickly . In other news , we got a bunch of ice last night . The ground is covered with a sheet of ice but , fortunately , it did not cover the trees and bushes and stuff like it did last year . The dad went to work this morning and said that just 5 miles from our house there was no ice . So apparently it was pretty selective . The boys and I stayed in all day . It has been a cold one . I think the high today may have been around 17 or 15 degrees . The boys and I put some water in tuperware bowls outside so we could see how long it would take to freeze but then we forgot about it . Did I mention that I am sick again ? I am once again so hoarse that I cannot even sit and read a book to the boys . It takes effort to talk , although it was worse last time . The funny thing is that I don 't think I have ever had this sort of thing in my life before and now I have had it twice in just a few months . Maybe I need to start eating healthier . I seem to be catching colds more often than normal . . . . . although I just finished a stressful four week stretch , with the dad away on a trip and then working extra hours while also spending a lot of time at church performing in a play . I don 't do well when I go that long without getting hardly any personal time or any time alone . So maybe the added stress had something to do with it . Just returned from the pediatric cardiologist and everything went great . Ben was a real trouper and did everything asked of him . They had Curious George on a small TV mounted up high so he was able to watch that while they did their thing . After that , we went to another room where he had his blood pressure taken and then they did an EKG . I forgot that they do that so I did not warn him ahead of time so he was a bit disappointed about having to do something again but he did it without complaint and I read a book to him while they did that . I also told him we would go for ice cream on the way home , which made him happier . The doctor said that he still has a tiny whole in his heart . It is only about 2mm in diameter so it is very tiny . She said it is smaller than it was two years ago . We have to go back in two years and do it all again and we are hoping it will be gone . The tiny hole should not impact him at all while he is young but when he is older it could make it more likely for him to have a stroke . She said if that happened , they would fix the hole at that time but it did not need to be fixed while he is young . We just returned from the dentist for a cleaning and checkup . Unfortunately our appointment was at 2 : 00pm , which really pushed nap time back . They were very efficient though . We were finished and back in the waiting room to pay by 2 : 20 and we were home with the boys in their beds by 3 : 00 . Not too bad really . We had good incentive to hurry and to come straight back home because it is really yucky outside today . We started the day with temps in the 50 's I think and now we are below freezing and it is windy and misting and very very cold . The wind chill factor must be quite low . The boys did a great job . This was their third time to the dentist . The very first time , we were really disappointed in the dentist and his way with children . We switched to a different dentist in the same practice and she was really great on the second visit . This visit was the first time the boys actually went into the exam area without us . The hygienist came out and called their names and they both walked in a bit cautious . We were watching through a window . They talked them both into the chairs and showed them the tools , explained things to them and let them pick out the flavor of cleaning stuff and also a small ball to hold in their hand . So far , so good . The problem came up when they wanted them to lie back in the chair . That was where it became a bit too scary . We could see Ben shaking his head no when she was patting the chair and trying to talk him into it . Nick actually started crying and then they waved us in . We were able to quickly get them back into a good place and they both ended up lying back and doing a great job after that . Now they are both sleeping . They are really doing great with this new sleeping thing and I think I am very close to being able to move further away from their door . My next move will be to the couch in the nearby game room . Once they are doing well with that , it will be easy to move downstairs from there , I think . So , I think it won 't be very long before we have two little guys who are once again very good about falling asleep without us in the room . I forgot to mention what I decided to use for an incentive for getting them to stay in their beds at night . If they stay in their bed , they get a coin the next morning to put in their piggy bank , which is just one of those cheap , plastic food holders with a lid that I put a slot in so they can put their coins in it . They love it . Sometimes they get pennies , sometimes nickels , sometimes dimes and sometimes quarters . They tend to always want quarters though , I guess because they know that is what we use for those animal ride things at the mall or grocery store . When they have enough money , they can choose to use it to buy something at the dollar store or to ride one of the rides at the grocery store or mall . Nick is one of these kids who has such a strong will that I have to be extremely consistent with him . If I give in on something just one time , he will test , test , push , push , trying to get me to give in again . I have to set very clear rules and boundaries and I have to be very consistent in maintaining them . He is such a great kid though . He has such a happy disposition and I love hearing him walk around singing . He also really enjoys getting a rise out of his brother though , which can be frustrating . He loves picking on Ben , taking his toys , pushing / pulling him , tackling him , etc . He is always doing something to Ben . Much of the time , Ben enjoys it but there are times when he does not , understandably . So I have been working on Nick on this . Overall , behavior around here is very good right now , which I thank God for . When things were not going so well recently , I prayed and prayed that God would help me understand them and show me the best way to deal with the issues we were experiencing . I am happy to say that God is faithful and He always answers prayers . With behavior so good these days , we are just having so much fun together and every one 's attitudes are so good . I am loving this age too . They are able to carry on a conversation and they have such funny things to say . Their imaginations are simply wonderful and I love to watch them play and talk to themselves . Ben talks to himself a lot while he is playing and it is so cute . He has really gotten much better about picking up his toys and helping to clean up when asked and doing it with a good attitude . They are both such good little boys and such a joy to be around ( most of the time : ) . It is fun that they are now at an age where they get some jokes / teasing and will laugh with me about things . I have a tendency to say ' you crack me up ' or ' I cracked up laughing ' about something funny sometimes and they have picked this up . It is amazing how quickly they learn . They were helping me fold some clothes this morning and Nick is actually getting pretty good at folding the washcloths . Lots of stuff going on around here . The other night , I accidentally super glued two of my fingers together . I think that was the craziest thing I have ever done . It took me a while to get them apart and it really hurt . Don 't try this at home folks . It was not fun . The other crazy thing I did the other day was , I was cleaning up the kitchen , wiping down counters and the table . The boys and I had eaten some Christmas cookies at the kitchen island and some of the little sprinkles were there so I picked them up and ate them . Yummy ; ) . Then I went over to the table and started cleaning up there . I saw what looked like a sprinkle and , without thinking about it , picked it up and put it in my mouth . I forgot that the boys had been playing with play dough at the table , not eating cookies . Yuck ! It was quite a yucky surprise . I ordered a series of workbooks from Kumon recently and we started using them today . We have the cutting , folding , stickers and pasting , coloring , mazes and tracing books . I think that 's all of them . The boys really enjoyed it . When we finished and we were eating lunch , Ben told me that he wanted to " do school more often " . We have been spending more time sitting at the table " doing school " lately , at their request . I basically leave it up to them to lead it and we quit or change what we are doing when they want to , for the most part . We spent 2 straight hours in the morning on " school " a couple of days recently and they just keep asking for more . I am using these new Kumon books to work on having them listen to and follow directions . I am also using these books ( " our special books " ) to persuade Nick to try and hold his pencil a little better . Today he did very well . I only make him try on two of the books , when we are using pencils to do mazes and tracing . If he doesn 't want to try , he can color or cut and paste or whatever using other books that we have but he can 't do the Kumon mazes and tracing books unless he tries to hold his pencil correctly . As I said , today was our first day and they were very excited about these books . They are very fun books so he was quite motivated to try . Both boys did a great job at all of the things we did today and we all had fun . I still would like to put together some type of schedule for us to follow but I have not gotten around to it yet : ) . I am normally not a New Year 's resolution type person but this year I think I will have some new goals for the new year . One of them is to start working out again and lose some weight ( as a friend of mine said recently about herself , I am quite the chunky monkey these days and I 'm not liking it one little bit ) . Another one is to have a schedule for us to follow and , most importantly have a time set aside every day for quiet time with God . I have been flying by the seat of my pants for too long now and I think the boys are old enough to slide in to the right schedule easily enough . Tonight we have the Christmas party for my husband 's office . It is a family Christmas party and it is always very nice . We have to get there a bit early because we will be caroling with a group of folks , as everyone enters the party . We did that two years ago ( before we had kids ! ) and it was fun . Last year the party was cancelled because of snow and ice , or something like that . I am really looking forward to this tonight and I love that they include the whole family . They have a kids room with toys and they serve a dinner buffet and some of the wives bring the desserts . I am bringing brownies ( yeah , I know , very exciting , but that 's all I had time for ) but I think they might be over cooked . They were not done before I got into the shower so I set them for 10 more minutes and asked the husband to take them out when the timer went off . When I got out of the shower , he told me that he did the toothpick test and they had to cook for another 25 minutes before they were done , according to his toothpick test ( he even started to explain the toothpick test to me ; what a funny man : ) . So , I am pretty sure they are way over done , since he cooked them about 30 minutes longer than the directions indicated . I know our oven tends to cook a bit slower than most directions call for but I think that is stretching it a bit : ) . Oh well , it is what it is but I think I will tell everyone that he cooked the brownies : ) . ( just kidding ) . We also have a dental appointment tomorrow for dental cleanings for both boys . Later this week we have a follow up visit with the heart specialist for B 's heart condition . I can 't remember the name for this but he has a small hole in his heart . We had it checked when he first came home and they said it may heal itself but , even if it doesn 't , he should not require surgery . But they also wanted us to come back for a follow up . And then next week , we have a follow up visit for the scar on B 's face . It will be interesting to see what the surgeon thinks of it . I hope they do not recommend doing it again . I can 't imagine putting him through that again and , also , the scar gets a tad bit bigger each time . So , I am hoping the surgeon will say it will continue to look better and better over time . I am on the night watch and I am sooo tired . I woke up around 2 - something this morning and could not go back to sleep . I finally got up and did a few things and I have been going ever since . Unfortunately that does not make for a very happy mommy tonight . My patience level is right about at 0 . 0 , which does not mix well with two little three year old boys . The good news is that they are adjusting to our new situation , with me not sitting in their room while they are falling asleep . The first two nights Nick was a bit hyper vigilant , calling out to me to make sure I was still sitting in my chair outside their door . Tonight , he seems fine with it and has not called out to me like that yet . I am hoping that after a few more days of this , I can move out to the game room , which is just down a short hall from where I am sitting . I have the monitor with me so I can hear what they are doing or if they need me . The only thing is that now I can tell them to settle down without getting out of my chair . I won 't be able to do that if I am in the game room , although I could watch a little news . I am hopeful that within a couple of weeks , we will no longer be required to hang out upstairs until they fall asleep . My sister is spending the night tonight . She went to a Christmas concert that my niece is in at a nearby university . After it is over , she is coming back here to stay the night and will hang out with us for a little while tomorrow . I am so looking forward to having a little help . I have basically not had any help now with anything around here all week . I did get to have a break one day at the beginning of the week . My friend came over and watched the boys so I could take a little break . I had an hour and a half and I used it to run some errands . It was a much needed break . Very sweet of my friend . Thankfully , it sounds like they are falling asleep a bit early this evening . . . . which probably means they will be up at 6 : 00am . Oh well . As tired as I am tonight , I 'm OK with that trade off . Hopefully I can head off to bed soon . " Samuel ! Samuel ! " and " I did not call you . Go back to bed . " as he was pretending the Bible story of Eli and Samuel . They are too funny . They pretend about 20 million things in about 5 minutes , from riding motorcycles ( the pillow ) , to playing drums ( pounding on the rail ) . Wow , I am so tired . I think I mentioned that the dad is in this play at our church . They had a dress rehearsal on Monday night and their first performance on Tuesday night . Wednesday night they were off so I was really looking forward to having a little bit of a break but it turned out he had to work late because there were two admits at the hospital that he had to go check out before he came home . So he didn 't get home until around 8 : 15pm . They are having another performance at the church tonight , they have another one tomorrow night and then they have a matinee performance and the final evening performance on Saturday . Since he is also on in - service duty at the hospital , he will have to do rounds on both Saturday and Sunday mornings . Sometimes morning rounds can take until noon or later to finish so , depending on the number of patients , he may have to hurry to make it to the play on time . Last Sunday I was really surprised because he made it to church by around 10 : 15 or 10 : 30 . I didn 't expect that at all so it was a pleasant surprise . Well , tonight has not gone quite as well . Nick has gotten out of bed a couple of times and both boys have been loud and rowdy at times . They are still going strong and it is 9 : 00pm . They are usually asleep by now . If they sleep in tomorrow , I won 't mind so much but today Nick was downstairs by 6 : 15am . Since he was not around to wake up Ben , Ben slept in until 7 : 30 . It really is not so bad just having one of them awake early . Having one of them is so much easier than having two of them together . With just one of them , everything is calm , we cuddle for a while , sit and eat breakfast and talk and it is very nice . As soon as the second child arrives on the scene ( and this is true regardless of which one wakes up first ) they sometimes , though not always , start with the bickering . It seems there has to be a battle over anything blue these days . Ben was the one who first decided that blue is his favorite color . It didn 't take long before Nick decided that blue was his favorite color also . Unfortunately , before they decided this , I had already bought a few things ( shirts , cups , etc . ) where one item might be blue and the other might be brown or purple . So now , we have this constant battle over who gets blue . . . . . and people wonder why I dress them alike so often . It never fails , if I buy two different colors of shirts , they both end up wanting one of the colors and neither of them wants the other color . It is just so much easier to buy things alike , not to mention that it is very hard to find cute boy clothes anyway . Final status : I finally had to start telling them to quiet down . I started by yelling it through the door , from my chair : ) , but eventually had to go in and tell them in person . As I came back out of their room , I had a smile on my face because I remember hearing those words quite often myself when I was a kid . This is the way I want it to be for them . I want them to hang out in their beds , as they are winding down from their day , and pretend and play and laugh and joke and get a little loud and rowdy ( but not too much ) and to have to be told a couple of times to quiet down . Doesn 't that bring back good memories ? Isn 't that what bedtime should be like for little kids ? Though I will like it even better when I no longer need to sit outside their room . So today I started talking up the change in the bedtime routine with the boys . I moved the chair in their bedroom to just outside of their bedroom door . We talked about it several times during the evening . I moved their nightlight into their bedroom so their bedroom is a bit lighter than it was . ( The nightlight was in the small adjoining sink room of their jack - n - jill bathroom . ) After we went through our night time routine and they were in their beds , I told them we now have new rules . I told them they have to stay in their beds but they can talk to each other and sing and look at books until they fall asleep . They just can 't get out of their beds . When I sat in the room with them , I would tell them they needed to be quiet soon after we had shut off the lights and settled down . So being able to talk to each other and sing and laugh and stuff is a treat for them . This might be just the incentive they need . I told them I would be right outside their door in the chair , which is where I am now . They are still awake . Nick is singing God Is So Good right now . At one point they were both singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star together . It was absolutely precious . They have laughed and talked and generally it has been a very positive thing . Much to my surprise , neither of them have been upset or scared or sad or even had any objections to this change in our routine . At first , they were yelling at me " mommy ! " , to see if I would come in when they needed something , as I had told them I would . And then Nick kept yelling " Mommy , what doing ? " . I had to explain that they were only to call me if it was an emergency , which I said was someone bleeding or throwing up : ) . I had to remind Nick to talk to his brother instead of yelling at me , which he started doing . Now Ben is quiet and Nick is singing " . . . that your joy may be full " over and over " . I guess he forgot the rest of that song . That kid loves to sing and I love to hear him sing . It always brings a smile to my face and frequently a laugh to my lips . We will be walking through a store and he will be singing at the top of his lungs " God is so good " and people will look at us and smile . He gets kind of loud sometimes and I have to remind him to sing a little softer . He can also hit some pretty high notes , although not always right on key , and when this is combined with the loudness , it can get a bit funny at times . I don 't let him see me laughing though . They are now at that point where if you laugh at something they do , they want to repeat it to get another laugh so I have to be careful what I laugh at sometimes . Well , the singer has stopped singing and all is quiet so I think our first night is a success . Now I have to set my expectations realistically and remember it probably won 't go this smoothly every night . I hope we can get this new routine down quickly , to the point where we won 't need to be sitting up here any more soon . When the boys were in their cribs and they were not yet able to climb out on their own , we could put them in their cribs , following our bedtime / naptime routine , and they would fall asleep on their own . They would normally have some fun in their cribs first , jumping around , playing and talking to each other but they would eventually settle down and go to sleep on their own . If they woke up during the night , they would go back to sleep on their own . If they woke up too early in the morning , they would normally either fall back to sleep for a little while or just play in their cribs for a little while . When the boys started climbing out of their cribs , we felt like we tried everything to get them to stay in . We put them back multiple times , we spanked them , we moved them to big boy beds and tried everything all over again and nothing seemed to work . We ended up taking turns sitting in their room ( they are sharing a room ) until they fell asleep . In retrospect , big mistake . I could just kick myself . Then , I started singing to them at night because I thought it might help them settle down faster . Well , the dad always takes his laptop with him , when it is his night to sit with them , because he reads or does work while sitting with them . When I told him I thought they settled down faster when I sang to them , he started playing music for them on his laptop . Of course , they really really liked this so I started doing it to . They each got three song requests and then it was time to lie down and be quiet . As you can see , what started out as a mistake just kept growing into an even bigger mistake . Please don 't try this at home , unless you want to spend an hour every night and a half hour to an hour at nap time helping your kids fall asleep . I have been doing a lot of single parenting lately . We have had the perfect storm , with the dad recently in Puerto Rico and now on in - service duty at the hospital , while at the same time participating in a Christmas dinner theater play at our church . I encouraged him to do this when he showed interest but neither of us realized the amount of time it would require and we especially did not know that he would be doing in - service duty at the hospital at the same time . So , since I have been doing a lot of single parenting lately , I have realized what a chore our night time / nap time routine has become and what a nightmare we have created . I could just kick myself because we had such a great , easy routine for the longest time and slowly but surely we let it slip away . . . and then turned it into a monster . I am determined to fix this but I don 't know quite what to do . So far , we have stopped the music and that happened pretty quickly and painlessly , so that is a step in the right direction . The next step needs to be getting the boys back to the point where they can fall asleep without us in the room and they will stay in their beds and I really just don 't know where to begin with this one . N especially is a bit scared of the dark . We keep a night light on in their room but he still does not like it when the lights are turned out . I think he has become accustomed to having the the brighter light from the laptop screen . Sometimes when I am really tired , I just sit there in the dark with them and pray and rest . He will tell me to turn on my laptop and he is not too happy when I don 't . I am racking my brains for the best way to transition us back out of the room . Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated . Maybe we need some kind of reward system . I have also considered trying to move my chair to just outside the room to their door and seeing how that would work . I have heard of moving the chair closer and closer to the door each night until you are sitting just outside the door but we can do that because there is not enough room . There is kind of a short little hallway when you walk into the boys ' room because their closet is just inside their room . The chair is already pretty much as close to the door as it can be and it is probably 5 or 6 feet away , at least . So I don 't think the gradual - chair - move approach is going to work for us . The other thing we have done is we put their boxsprings back under their mattresses and put their rails back on their beds . I was thinking this would help a little , since it is a little harder for them to get in and out of their beds . They have done fine with this so far but then we are still sitting with them until they fall asleep . I have been missing some funny happenings around here lately and I hate when that happens . Today we spent the morning at the play area at the mall . We had planned to go to the jumping place but it was closed . We met up with my friend who has the twin girls and we all had a fun time together . The kids played and played and my friend and I were able to visit and relax . We all had something to eat , rode a couple of escalators for fun and then went to see Santa . The boys had been to see Santa one weekend with the dad . I think Nick stood in front of Santa and Ben was much further away . Since then , they have seen him from a distance several times and we have read some books about him so this time they wanted to sit on his lap . It was very cute . They both told Santa what they wanted for Christmas , which was anything they could think of at the moment . Nick said a truck and Ben said a tractor , which they already have . Santa gave them a little talk about picking up their own toys and not expecting mom to do it so I was ready to ask Santa what he wanted for Christmas . I thought that was very nice : ) . They got to pick either a Santa hat or small coloring book out of Santa 's basket and they both picked the hat . Then one of the twins wanted to see Santa but the other one was scared so I took the one who wanted to see Santa . She didn 't want to sit on his lap but she stood in front of him and let him hold her hand . A little later , she wanted to go again and sit on his lap so her mom took her and she sat on his lap . By the time we left Santa , both girls had the coloring books and both boys had the hats AND coloring books . As we were walking to the elevator , Nick started waving his small coloring book back and forth , fanning his face , and he said , " Whew ! I hot ! Whew ! I have flash ! " or something close to that . It was clear he was imitating my response to a hot flash , of which I still have too many . I found it laugh - out - loud funny though . Too cute what they pick up and a bit scary really . Sometime last week , the dad decided to grill some chicken on the outside grill . It was freezing cold outside , so I wasn 't very excited about the idea . I found very simple instructions for grilling chicken and it is really delicious so we do this every now and then and we normally cook a bunch so we can make several meals out of it . It is very simple . You turn on only one side of the grill and then you put the chicken on the other side , so it is not over the flames . Then you close the lid and let it cook for about 45 minutes . Then you open the lid , brush on your favorite bar - b - que sauce , close the lid again and let it cook for another 15 minutes . Then it is ready to eat . This is for bone - in chicken with the skin on . The skin keeps all of the juices in the chicken . I think it is probably the juiciest chicken I have ever tasted , and the most tender . We normally cook dark meat though . Anyway , so he has been cooking the chicken for 45 minutes and it is still not done . He got a late start putting it on the grill so I had already fed the kids because I knew there was no way they could wait that long . I was hungry but I was waiting with him so we could eat together and I knew the kids would probably want to eat a little more too . Anyway , so the chicken had been cooking for 45 minutes and it was still not done . He had gone out to check on it and came back and told me this , right around the time that I was giving the kids something extra to eat because it was taking even longer than expected . I thought it was probably taking a lot longer to cook because it was so cold outside . He said he was going to turn on the fire directly under the chicken , so it would cook faster . I told him I thought it would burn if he did that . I was helping the kids and not paying a lot of attention so I was not sure what he did next and I just forgot all about the situation . A little bit later , he again went outside to check on the chicken . When he came back inside , he said , " Well , the chicken is too burnt to eat " . I said , " How do you know ? " . And he answered , " It 's on fire " . You might have had to be there for this to be funny but , the way he answered after everything we had already been through , it really had me laughing . He brought a piece in and it was really yuck . It was solid black and the crispy black stuff was pretty deep . We found that underneath that , there was still some juicy meat but it tasted like smoke . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
sawyer knew something was wrong the moment she 'd woken up . ever since they 'd arrived at the cabin she 'd felt a weird sense of peace . there had been plenty of anxiety over their baby and their future but for the most part she 'd felt safe . until now . sawyer had been sleeping restlessly , something that hadn 't happened since they 'd stopped running . what had finally woken her up from the disturbing dream she 'd been having was the way her lower abdomen was seriously cramping and the sticky feeling of blood between her thighs . she 'd stumbled out of bed to their bathroom , throwing the light on only to find proof of what she 'd immediately suspected . she 'd lost the baby . sawyer is frozen with grief and fear for a moment , entirely unsure of how to react . she 'd been so scared of having this baby and now the choice had been taken from her . she drops to her knees on the cold tile floor , hugging herself tightly as a sob slips out of her lips . though her mate is sleeping only a few feet away on the other side of the wall , sawyer had never felt so scared and alone . THANKS β₯ For the past month or so the two of them had been holed up in this cabin with only rare trips to the local town for food and other necessities . Things felt a little different between himself and Sawyer . Now that he knew she was pregnant he felt more inclined to be gentle with her and Sawyer wasn 't picking as many fights as she usually did . It was uncomfortable but they seemed to have slipped into acceptance of their new fate together . He was sleeping pretty deeply with his head in the pillow , but he registered that there was a shift in the mattress when Sawyer got out of it . At first he assumed she just had to use the bathroom or something , but then the scent of blood roused him awake followed by the sound of her sobs from the bathroom . He woke up immediately after that and rushed to the bathroom doorway to find his mate sitting there with blood all over her . Felix sunk to his knees in front of her because he had a pretty good idea of what was happening here but he needed to know for sure . " What 's wrong ? Do I . . . do we need to go to the hospital or . . . should I get Leanna ? " sawyer is only vaguely aware of felix 's footsteps coming down the hall and into the bathroom , and she reaches out to grab his hand the second he 's in front of her . his voice doesn 't sound quite right , like he 's somewhere far away instead of right here and clinging to him is the only thing she has right now . sawyer knows he 's asked her a question but she can 't figure out what his words had meant . she can 't figure out how to tell him what 's wrong and in truth she 's not entirely sure she wants to think about what the answer to that question is . the pains in her lower stomach come in strong waves and she grips his hand a little tighter , gouging her nails into the skin of his hand without realizing it . she 's not aware she 's asking him to help her until he 's picking her up and carrying her out of the bathroom and after that she stops being aware of anything . she wakes up again , this time without pain being the reason , reaching for felix before she realizes exactly what she 's doing . he 's sitting on the edge of the bed and her hand finds his leg as her eyes open and she 's filled with a sick sense of relief that he 's stayed there . after him there had only been one more thing on her mind and because of the dull cramps and the way her mate is looking at her sawyer already knows the answer . she looks around the cabin anyway , taking a moment and a deep breath before she can bring herself to glance back at felix . " it 's gone ? " sawyer finally asks quietly , voice hoarse from all the crying she can 't remember doing while leanna had been there . in spite of already knowing they 'd lost their baby she needed to hear it from felix anyway . THANKS β₯ Blood had never scared him before . Felix had fought and killed before . He knew what it looked and smelled like . If anything , seeing blood excited him . Roused that inner predator inside of him . He saw it all the time and yet , when he looked at Sawyer sitting there in a pile of it , his heart sank to his stomach and he experienced something he never had before . Panic settled in as he watched her head loll from one side to another . She hadn 't said much when he carried her out of the cabin and ran as fast and far as he could . Eventually he made it to Leanna , and she confirmed what he already knew . The baby was gone , but at least Sawyer would be alright . He carried her home in a bundle of blankets and laid her on the couch , just until he changed the sheets and put clean ones down . It was hard to process everything all at once . He was no longer going to be a father . Sawyer was still unconscious , but she was okay . For a long while he cried silently to himself . It felt strange , because he couldn 't even remember the last time he felt tears roll down his cheeks . Felix shook his head , trying not to think about it too much . Once the bed was made , he laid her in it . After that he went to work cleaning the bathroom . All he really wanted to do was to lay in bed next to her until she woke up , but he didn 't want to leave that mess there for her to see . When he was finished , he changed his clothes and sat on the edge of the bed next to her , his head in his hands . He knew that he probably wouldn 't have made a good father anyway . He was too aggressive . Too many problems weighing down on his shoulders to properly care for a baby . That didn 't change what he saw or what he was feeling though . It was like a sinking darkness there in his chest , but Felix also knew he was going to have to be strong for Sawyer . When she started to stir , he looked over his shoulder at her , staying quiet a minute . Reaching over , he held onto her hand and nodded at her question . " Yeah , it 's gone . You 're going to be alright though . " After shifting some so he was facing her , he brushed some hair from her face . He didn 't really know what else to say , but he wanted her to know that he was there . the moment felix spoke sawyer wished she could go back to sleep . she was sure she 'd never been this tired before in her life , though she 's fairly sure she 's slept over half the day . all of her limbs feel heavy and sluggish and she can 't think of anything that would help more than rolling away from felix to burrow back down under the blankets . maybe if she was able to rest for a little while longer she 'd been able to sleep it all off ; the day , the last few months , the guilt she feels over losing the baby . felix 's eyes are red and she knows that he 's been crying and maybe it 's twisted of her but that makes her feel worse than anything . in the ten years that they 've been together she hasn 't seen him cry a single time and it 's hard not to feel like this was her fault . she doesn 't feel relieved to know that she 'll be alright , just guilty over the fact that he so clearly isn 't . not knowing what to say sawyer just nods a little , scooting over on the bed to make a little more room for him . " will you lay down ? " she asks quietly , letting go of his hand . part of sawyer worries that he won 't want her touching him , but she 's hoping he 'll get into bed with her anyway . it 's hard to read how felix is feeling but she 's sure he 's going to end up blaming her eventually . she wouldn 't be able to fault him for that either . THANKS β₯ It was hard for Felix to really process his emotions because he was still hanging on the thought of nearly losing his mate and definitely losing their child . He was hurting in a way that he never had before and it was worse than anything he could have imagined . Being that he wasn 't the sentimental type , nothing in his life had prepared him for something like this . A long time ago he had a falling out with his brother , but Felix hardly thought about him anymore . And this was worse . So much worse . If he thought too long on it he probably would have started crying again , but there was a small bit of relief there when Sawyer finally woke up . " Yeah , of course . " Felix got up and pulled the blanket back some so he could lay there beside her . He wasn 't entirely sure how much space she wanted , but he decided to give into his own needs by wrapping an arm around her to bring her close . For a while there he thought he was going to lose her and it just felt so fucking good to see her with even just a little more color in her face , finally speaking to him . It still didn 't really feel like there was much to say . They lost their baby , but at least they still had each other . Felix buried his face into her hair and took a deep breath , letting her scent wash over him . " I love you . " he said , deciding that was something she probably needed to hear right then . sawyer feels relieved once again when felix pulls her into his side and she responds immediately , burrowing into his side with a quiet , sad noise . in spite of the fact that he 's her husband , her mate , the person she 's been with constantly for the past ten years , it 's not always this easy for her to lean on him . right now she 's not worried about being vulnerable with him and buries her head in his chest . it 's a rare day that she doesn 't threaten to personally end his life but she feels surprisingly grounded by the sound of his heart beating under her ear . she 'd been feeling a little like she was drifting out of her own body and having felix 's face pressed into her hair and his body under head helped her feel like she was coming back to earth . not that it didn 't hurt more than anything she 'd ever experienced before in her life . sawyer didn 't even know how it was possible to move away from something like this . she looks up at him when he says he loves her , needing to see his face . she didn 't hear it was often as she wanted and she knew that was her fault . she was always pushing at him and doing her best to keep distance between them while also forcing him to physically be around her as often as possible . what she never told felix was that she was nearly desperate to hear him tell her he loved her , as it always made her a little more hopeful that she wouldn 't have to worry about him leaving . sawyer keeps her head on his shoulder and watches him for a moment , gripping his shirt tightly in her hand . " i love you too . you know that right ? you do ? " there are tears on her face again and she 's not sure exactly when it was that she started crying but she couldn 't help herself . the fact that she could have died hasn 't registered to sawyer at this point ; she 's entirely consumed with the loss of their baby and the way that she might lose felix too . Felix had always been aware of the fact that the relationship he had with Sawyer wasn 't really . . . functional . It was fun , sure , and he got off on their back and forth games . But for a long time that 's all it really felt like they were . A couple who thrived off of obsession and jealousy . Felix knew what he felt for her , and wanted nothing more than to just be as close to her as possible . None of that really seemed to matter right now because he could feel that they were broken . This loss was going to hurt them both in ways that made him afraid of losing her . He only just managed to keep her close enough to be with him . Felix was afraid that now she was going to pull back away from him and he 'd have to start all over again with trying to get her to trust him and let him in . He was glad to have her curl into him instead after he laid down . Once she attached herself to his side , he pulled up her shirt a little ways just so he could press his hand to her skin . Feeling her beneath his fingertips had always been comforting , at least to him anyway . He wanted to feel her and to let her know that he was really there and not going anywhere . " I know you do , Sawyer . I know . " Felix kissed her hair again , his hand started to gently rub her back a little . There wasn 't much he could do to make any of this better . He could promise that it would be okay , because he was certain that it would eventually , but right now he was in this hole with her . They were hurting together and he supposed this was something that they were both going to have to feel before they could move on from it . sawyer hadn 't had very much to say since they 'd lost the baby . she 'd never been the type of woman to keep her opinions to herself before and her periods of silence tended to be either sullen or pissed . it 's been odd to feel herself changing , feeling herself withdrawing into a place where she can 't bring herself to do much but eat or sleep and when she wasn 't doing either of those things she 'd find herself simply sitting . sometimes she looked out the window or stared at the ceiling , not noticing time passing until something snapped her out of it and she 'd realize that a few hours had slipped by since she 'd first sat down . at first she 'd been too numb to think of much of anything at all but after a few days she 'd found herself thinking about felix . felix , felix , felix . they hadn 't gone very far apart from each other since the incident had happened but to sawyer it felt like he was miles away . their relationship felt like a broken thing and all she could dwell on was how long it had been that way and how it would probably only get worse , thanks to her . being contemplative aside , sawyer hadn 't really felt much of anything . she 'd begun that day like the rest of them for the last two weeks , dragging herself in and out of the shower , pushing something around a plate just for felix 's benefit . she 'd always been toned and was surprised to notice how quickly she 'd been losing weight but it wasn 't something that really worried her . it was like noticing changes in a strangers body on the off chance she glanced in the mirror . but there was something a little different that day . towards noon she 'd started to feel a nervous energy , a kind that centered solely around her mate . she wasn 't able to zone out like usual and her eyes followed him around the cabin instead , until she couldn 't take it anymore and got up to follow him when he went outside . sawyer grabbed a blanket to throw around her shoulders , feeling the cold of the snow that generally didn 't bother werewolves . " felix ? " she asks quietly , coming up behind him . " do you mind . . . . can i sit out here with you ? " sawyer wasn 't really an ask - permission kind of girl but she found herself hesitant around him anyway . Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference between night and day . At this point everything felt the same . Wake up , Get dressed . Sit around and do nothing until it was time to cook something to eat . It wasn 't as if this was the kind of routine that Felix really wanted , but he 'd already attempted talking to Sawyer a handful of times and came up empty . It frustrated him because he was angry and hurt and he was feeling so many fucking things , but she wasn 't there at all . It was like looking at the shell of his mate as she literally withered away in front of him . Felix wanted to feel something from her . Anything at all , but she wasn 't budging , so he figured he would just keep letting the days repeat themselves until something changed in her . After making breakfast , he pulled on his boots and jacket . It snowed pretty heavily last night , so he had intentions of chopping some more wood for the fireplace . Swinging the ax also helped him get out some of that built up anger he had welling inside of him . It wasn 't anything directed at her . Just what had happened to them . Anger was a stage of grief , wasn 't it ? " Yeah , sweetheart ? " Never in his life had he referred to her as sweetheart , but he was feeling particularly gentle towards her . " Of course you can . I 'm just going to split some wood for the fire , but I 'd like the company . " He grabbed the ax from the side of the cabin and went over to the pile , tossing a few pieces over to the stump where he would split them . " How 're you feeling ? " Felix asked that question a handful of times before but never got an answer . He wasn 't expecting one now , but he was always trying to get her to talk to him . there was no way that any of this was easy on felix but she hadn 't been able to bring herself to really think about that until now . when he calls her sweetheart she knows that something is wrong because this isn 't how they talk to each other . there 's also something kind of painful about how her heart skips at the nickname , making her realize she 's been missing something she hadn 't even known she wanted . the times that felix had been gentle towards her were few and far between but that wasn 't necessarily his fault . she hadn 't wanted to act vulnerable towards him because she didn 't want him to think she was weak . now she likes the idea of laying her head on his chest and letting him put her arms around her so they could stay together quietly , the way that they had the first night . sawyer can 't bring herself to voice this so she follows him down the stairs instead , taking a seat on the bottom step . she 's not sure what exactly it was she wanted to say to him when she 'd gone outside after him but there 's a burning in her chest and she knows she 's got to say something . the words are out of her mouth before she can really think about it , before she can realize that she 's ignored everything that he 's said to her . " i 'm sorry , " she tells him , pulling the blanket over her shoulders . she 's not cold exactly but it feels easier to talk to him with some sort of protective layer between the two of them . sawyer takes a breathe and feels the cold stabbing into her lungs , forcing her eyes to her mate . " not just because of the baby . for . . . . everything , i guess . for the way it 's been between us since we met . " she 'd been replaying the last ten years of their relationship over the passed few days and it all been weighing on her mind . sawyer had never been good at talking to felix and this couldn 't be the most appropriate way to do this but she didn 't think she could hold it in . their relationship was broken , she thought , but she knew she 'd die without felix . she had to do something to start fixing it or she 'd lose the last thing she hadTHANKS β₯ Felix knew that their relationship was never really what it could be . Sawyer always held out on him for one reason or another and , although it bothered him at first , it was something he learned to live with . Instead of pouting , he adapted . Changed his way of approaching her . He stopped trying to avoid confrontation and embraced it instead . They fought all the time and said dumb things to egg the other on . The tore off clothes and fucked to remind each other who belonged to who . But that was it really . The extent of their emotional relationship was pretty short , and he wondered if maybe that was his fault or why they were currently like this . Sawyer couldn 't talk to him because she didn 't know how and he couldn 't comfort her because she never really gave him the opportunity to . After setting a log in place , he swung the ax over his shoulder and split it down the center . It was hard to focus on the task when she was sitting there not too far . This is what things generally felt like between them . Sawyer was close , but just out of his reach . He was going to set up another and swing again , but then she started speaking and he stopped to look at her . " Sawyer , you don 't have to apologize for the way you are . I guess I just . . . wish you would trust me more . " Because that had always been the issue . Her not trusting him to not cheat on her or leave her or be gentle with her emotions . Felix felt like he was generally pretty open , but after a decade of being constantly accused of things , it sort of turned him into something that was worthy of her mistrust . " I know I 've got a lot to be sorry for to . And I am . But I still love you no matter what . " Deciding to ditch the wood splitting , he walks over and sits next to her on the step , capturing one of her hands . " And you can talk to me . . . about anything . " He gave her hand a gentle squeeze , not entirely convinced she would believe him but he felt it important to remind her . not trusting felix hadn 't been anything personal in the beginning . sawyer just wasn 't the kind of person to trust anyone . she wasn 't sure why she 'd ended up like that but sawyer had never really let anyone in . the pack that she 'd grown up with had been her family but the only person she 'd ever really been close to was her father and even then she 'd kept to herself . felix coming into her life and saying she belonged to him wasn 't something that would ever have ended well but enough time had passed that she should have been long over it by now . he 'd proven to her that he wasn 't about to walk out of her life even if she probably would have deserved it at this point . she knew a huge part of the problem was that she 'd never really tried to let him and every time she realized he was getting close she 'd explode and shove him away , wrecking whatever progress they might have made . that left them with something that wasn 't exactly a marriage and sawyer had never been the type of person to change , even when she needed to be . at least she hadn 't been until now . she 's grateful that he abandons his task to come sit with her instead and she squeezes his hand , scooting closer to press up against her side . the last thing she wanted between them was to keep the toxic distance that had been present since the night they 'd met outside of the bar . " i love you too , " she tells him quietly , earnestly . his palm his rough and calloused and she looks down at it , trailing her fingertips across the lines to give herself something she can look at . her eyes are starting to blur a little , making this month the most she 's cried in all the years of her life combined . " i want to trust you . i should trust you and i don 't know why i don 't . and i 'm sorry . but i 'm ready to try . i want to be better for you . i need you , felix . " sawyer looks back up at him at this , tightening her grip on his hand again . she didn 't know what she 'd do without him and sawyer didn 't think she could bear to find out . she didn 't think either of them could go on living like this anymore . Even though he continued to wake up every morning and went about trying bring Sawyer out of this dark hole she was in , Felix had to admit that he was pretty exhausted . On top of having to cope with the fact that he carried his bleeding wife all the way to some other wolf 's cabin and saw their tiny little baby being extracted from her body , he had to push all those emotions down so he could keep functioning . Be the stronger of the two so Sawyer could grieve while he took care of her . He didn 't mind it , because maybe he was used to being iced out at this point . But he would have been lying if he said he didn 't wish it was different . Felix would have liked to know how she was feeling and to be able to share to her in return . So that maybe they could work through this together so they could lift each other up . But it was alright that she wasn 't ready for it yet . He could wait until she was . It 's nice to have her move in closer , similar to the way she had on the first night . Since then all of their interactions felt kind of hollow , but he could feel something different this time . There was more life to her now , and at least it seemed like she was finally feeling something . " You 're always going to have me , Sawyer . I swear it . You 're never going to have to be without me . I 'm with you forever . " He says this with such conviction because he means it so deeply that it actually hurts him . This was something he 'd said to her before but it never really sunk in with her . Even if she did try trusting him and decided it wasn 't working out , he still wouldn 't leave . Felix would take whatever she wanted to give him with a smile on his face . " But I think it would be good if you tried . All I want is to be here for you . " He covers the top of her hand with his other one , gently smoothing it over with his palm . It just feels good to touch her , even if she 's a lot more fragile than he remembers . having biology chose someone to be your partner for the rest of eternity had sounded a lot like bullshit to sawyer so she 'd refused to accept felix for what he was . he 'd denied the mate bond for as long as possible and then once she 'd given in she 'd kept testing him to see what could push him away . sawyer wasn 't sure why she wanted to self sabotage like that but she 'd been doing it to them for years without really paying attention or caring what it was doing to felix . she can see now that it had bothered him , that it had made things worse for him . he wasn 't just the punching bag she 'd been using him as and sawyer didn 't want to treat him that way anymore . the thought of fighting with him again made her feel tired deep down into her bones and she slumped against him more , leaning heavily into his side . he repeats to her something he 's been saying since they 'd met but instead of rejecting it she decides to accept his words for the first time . " i know you won 't leave me , felix . you 've never left me before even when i . . . " she takes a deep breath and wipes her eyes with one of her hands , the other still desperately holding onto felix . she wasn 't very good with words and she especially wasn 't good with these types of things but she owed it to him to keep going even though she was fairly she was fumbling everything and repeating words she 'd already said . " even when i don 't treat you very well , which i don 't . i haven 't . but i want to try . i want to be a good mate for you , maybe someone that would have been a good mother . " sawyer coughs a little after saying this , trying not to keep crying . the baby wasn 't something she thought she could handle talking about at the moment . " please let me try . i want to be better for you . " He lets go of her hand so he can wrap his arm around her shoulders because it 's pretty clear that this isn 't easy for her . Sawyer wasn 't the emotional type , or at least she tried her very best to make it seem that way . None of this would be a smooth journey for her , but he appreciated that she seemed to be listening this time and allowing herself to be open to the idea that maybe his intentions weren 't really to hurt her . Felix knew that the reputation he had when they met probably didn 't make trusting him all that easy . Being someone who traveled from place to place and slept with twice as many women as he probably should have probably made him out to look pretty bad . But they were ten years into this now and Felix felt like he had at least proved that he was going to be faithful to her . There was no one else he wanted . All he could see was her . " We 'll work on it together , alright ? We 'll get through this together . " It feels like maybe he should tell her that she would have been a good mother anyway . That she was a good mate regardless , but this seemed like the better thing to say . That at least she wouldn 't be trying to do this all on her own . Felix rubbed her arm and pressed a kiss to her forehead , glad to finally be feeling something from her again . " Sawyer , you 're always going to be perfect to me , but we can both try making some changes . " After kissing her again , he stood up and held his hands out to her to help her up . " C ' mon , it 's cold out here . " As much as he probably would have liked to suggest going on a run together , he was more concerned with taking this chance to get her to keep talking to him . Maybe get her to eat a little more than she had been . This was progress for sure , so he wanted to encourage it before the flame died out again . THANKS β₯ before they 'd come to the cabin and everything had started to fall apart for them sawyer had never been the type of woman that held her tongue , especially not for an insignificant reason like whether or not it would hurt someone 's feelings . she 'd never even cared if she would hurt felix 's feelings and he was the most important person in the world to her . this felt different . she hadn 't really been sure what was going to come out of her mouth when she went outside after felix but she knew she 'd been a little afraid of how he was going to react . it was uncomfortable to feel nervous around felix but after the last two weeks of feeling absolutely nothing it was kind of a relief . maybe she should have been more worried about his feelings the entire time . maybe things would have been a lot easier from the beginning if she 'd been a little more open instead of playing the offense for the last ten years . at least this was some type of progress . following felix back into the house sawyer waits for felix to sit down on the couch and only hesitates for a moment before settling down onto his lap . touching him made her feel a little more grounded and less like she was going to float away at any moment . she arranges the blanket over the both of them , head leaning against his shoulder . it was rare for them to sit around like this , as sawyer generally only gave into affection right before they were going to sleep or just after they 'd woken up . now she feels desperate for it . " is it okay with you if we stay here for a while ? i 'm not ready to move yet . " sawyer hadn 't been afraid of very much before any of this but the idea of heading back into the world seemed like way too much to take on right now . " i think i just want to stay here with you for a little while . " Once inside , he pulled off his jacket and kicked off his boots , even though he had literally just put them on . Felix had been itching to get out there in the snow all morning , but suddenly the urge to break things wasn 't there anymore . He ran a hand through his hair and tied it back before sitting on the couch next to Sawyer . It didn 't take her long to crawl over into his lap . He wrapped his arms easily around her to pull her close . She felt a lot smaller than he remembered , which sparked up that nagging bit of concern that hadn 't left him since the night he found her in the bathroom like that . Right now didn 't seem like the best time to mentioning it though , so he just pressed a kiss to her cheek instead . " We can stay as long as you need . I think the weather is supposed to clear up a little soon . " Reaching up , he brushed some hair away from her face . Felix wasn 't really fond of being here , especially not now with everything that had happened . He felt like it might do them both some good to move somewhere else . To start over in a fresh place , but he understood that she wasn 't strong enough for that yet . " Once you 're feeling up to it , maybe we can go out for a run . " While he says this , he continues to stroke her hair and brings her close so he can kiss the top of her head . It was almost sort of strange to be this . . . domestic with her . So gentle . But he didn 't think it was a bad thing . Felix just really wanted her to know that she didn 't have to be so tough around him all the time . That she could depend on him to take care of her every once in a while . it as nice having felix take care of her . sawyer rarely ever gave in and let herself be weak in front of him but she couldn 't have put up a fight right now if she tried . she didn 't even want to try at the moment . he was smoothing her hair and kissing her head and she snuggles closer to his chest , wrapping an arm loosely around his waist . she knew felix had never really loved this cabin but this is a step , isn 't it ? trusting him enough to tell him that she 's not ready to leave yet . one of the major reasons she didn 't know if she could abandon the cabin was because felix had buried the tiny body of their baby under a tree just outside of the house . she knew felix would understand that as well as her general weakness at the moment but she wasn 't ready to talk about that . even thinking about it felt like poking a dead tooth . " i miss running , " she says quietly , putting her hand under the hem of his short to be closer to him . sawyer feels exhausted but that isn 't much of a surprise . she 's been tired constantly ever since the incident had happened . sawyer hasn 't been awake for more than a handful of hours but she already feels like going back to bed . not wanting to lose the intimacy between them she closes her eyes and pulls the blanket closer , letting him holder . " i like that idea . when the weather gets better i can try changing again . we 'll go out together . " she tilts her head to kiss under his jaw before settling back in . maybe starting over would be a good idea . sawyer hoped so , at least , because she knew she couldn 't live without him . THANKS β₯ It was rare that Felix ever thought about home . Sometimes , especially when the weather got all bitterly cold like this , he would think back to when he used to live on the Hawaiian islands and how the sun used to feel on his skin . He would ache for the waves and the sand and everything he left behind . For a while he tried living in California because it was the closest to it he could find , but it wasn 't the same . Felix then traveled around from place to place , hoping that maybe some day something would stick . Obviously it hadn 't , as he was still as restless as ever , but it didn 't matter because he refused to return home or acknowledge anyone he left behind . Especially his brother , who was the last person he ever wanted to speak to again . Mason had caught him in a weak spot though , still feeling soft about everything that had happened here at the cabin , so he actually answered the text after ignoring a handful of phone calls . " Are you sure you want to do this ? We don 't have to go . " Some part of Felix was hoping that Sawyer would change her mind because his stomach was already tying itself into knots . He felt like the sun might do her some good , but he really had no interest in seeing Mason . Or , so he told himself . Somewhere deep down he was mildly concerned that someone was going after his brother and his new mate . " If you 're not ready to go , I can tell Mason we 've changed our minds . " Felix ran a hand through his damp hair ( having just showered after finishing his conversation with Mason ) . He wasn 't entirely sure if he was asking Sawyer if she was having doubts because he was genuinely concerned or because he was hoping she might give him a reason not to go . sawyer had really been wanting to go to hawaii . she 'd never really had an urge to leave pack territory before she 'd met felix but the two of them had spent nearly all of their time together moving around the country . they mostly stayed in the middle of the country but a few times they 'd gone north into canada . she was in her 70 's now and she 'd never been to the ocean , let alone an island . she probably wouldn 't have ever developed an interest in seeing hawaii if it hadn 't been for felix . a lot of his past before they 'd met was a mystery to her and having the opportunity to go see where he was from , and to meet his family , was something she found herself really looking forward to . or at least something she was very curious about . felix had only mentioned his brother a handful of times and it never seemed like there was any love lost between them ; that he 'd even answered mason 's texts seemed like a huge deal . it wasn 't really surprising to her that he was nervous but it was surprising that they were making an effort to talk to each other about it . that was also brand new territory . sawyer sits on the kitchen counter , watching felix walk about of the bathroom with a small smile . " i think i 'm ready to go . i 've been feeling . . . . better , " she hesitates , having taken a moment to find the right word . sawyer wasn 't exactly sure when it was that she 'd be okay again . " but i think a change of scenery might be nice . " sawyer feels a little apprehensive addressing the situation directly but they 've been trying to be open with each other so she takes a deep breath , looking away from him to zip up her sweater . " are you ready ? i know you don 't really want to see mason . " It wasn 't as if Felix had really left his pack on bad terms . He never really fit in with any of them , but he at least had a strong bond with Mason . When Felix made the decision to leave , he asked his brother to come along with him and . . . well , that had ended in a pretty shitty way . His brother chose the pack over him and he 'd been bitter about it ever since . Maybe that would seem like nothing to literally anyone else , but it always bothered him . To pick the pack over blood felt like such a fucking stab in back . Felix decided to just sever all ties after that day . It was pretty easy to keep true to his promise never so speak to his brother again all the way up until now . Felix approached the counter and braced his hands on either side of her , pressing his face into the crook of her neck . All of this , being able to touch her whenever he wanted and as affectionately as he wanted was . . . different . Something he was finding himself becoming extremely used to though . " I 'm glad you 're feeling better . That 's all I want . " After pressing a kiss to her neck , he moved to press his forehead against hers instead of hiding his face . It was becoming easier to talk to her he felt , but this was still something he wasn 't so sure about . Not because he didn 't trust her , but because Felix didn 't even understand what he was feeling . " I think I 'll be alright to go . . . I just don 't really know what to expect . " He shrugged , and nudged her nose with his . That much was true at least . He wasn 't sure how his parents would react to him coming home and he was hoping that they would just leave him the fuck alone . Dealing with Mason would be enough . in the past sawyer never would have asked felix if he was nervous about something unless she was trying to call him a pussy . she 'd been worried about felix before but it was usually hiding underneath several layers of anger towards him . she hadn 't had the energy to feel so much as irritated towards him since they 'd lost their baby but she found herself feeling a little concerned . he 'd been through just as much as she had over the past months , maybe even more considering that he 'd done his best to be strong for her . sawyer had looked away from him because she 'd expected that he wouldn 't care for the question but he 'd surprised her . a lot of things about felix had been surprising her since she 'd made a promise to both of them that she 'd do her best to start trusting him . sawyer makes a surprised noise when his cold , wet hair touches the side of her neck . he 's been so affectionate with her lately that she 's come to be reliant on it , almost the same way she depended on him laying next to her in order to fall asleep . " if it makes you feel any better , i 'll bring my knife with me and makes sure no one treats you badly . you 're doing them a favor , not the other way around . " hooking her ankles loosely around the back of his thighs , she also wraps her arms around his neck . " we could keep to ourselves as much as we can while we 're there . you 're a good tracker , you can find him without your brother . and you know i 'll help you . we don 't have to stay a day longer than it takes to find whoever did it . then the wolf will be mason 's problem and we can go wherever we want from there . " felix had been there for her during this whole thing and she was glad she 'd be able to do the same for him now . Being this close to her makes it easier for him to relax a little . Just breathing in her scent is enough to clear his mind . It actually made him feel a little stupid for being nervous in the first place . His former pack wasn 't likely to attack him just for returning home . He hadn 't necessarily left on bad terms . Sure , he burned most of the bridges with his family , but none of them were likely to come after him . Mason was too much of a sap to try anything , and it was pretty clear that he was trying his hardest to act like things hadn 't changed between them . If they could just go there and find the wolf who attacked his mate , that would be the end of it and the two of them could move on from there . Felix smiled a little , but shook his head at her offer . " If you 're talking about the blade you stabbed me with , I 'd rather you didn 't use that one on my brother as well . Wouldn 't be as special . " He decided to lean in and kiss her gently , before taking her face into his hands and standing up a little straighter . It was nice to be like this with her . To have a relationship that wasn 't always so heated all the time . Felix knew that they still had a lot to work through together , but maybe this trip would actually do them some good . " I don 't doubt that we 'll be able to finish this up pretty quickly . . . but I do miss home . Just wait until you see the beaches and feel like sand on your skin . . . there 's nothing else like it . " That was another thing that made him nervous . Leaving the first time had been challenge enough . Felix was afraid that once he made it back home , he wouldn 't have the strength to leave it again . THANKS β₯ kissing felix made her feel a little shy at the moment . sawyer assumed it as because the kissing was vulnerable and not angry for once , but she kind of liked the feeling . it was nice to have butterflies in her stomach instead of rage encouraging her to slam him into a wall . not that there had been any of that recently ; kissing was the only thing either of them had seemed interested in these days and that was usually light as well . " that 's fair . i 'll keep that one for us and get something cheap for your brother , " she grins , though she leans in to get another kiss . she might not have been back to her usual self but sawyer hoped he knew that she wasn 't kidding . it would be nothing to her to take out of his family members if they started giving felix any shit . going back to them like this was already hard enough for him , he didn 't need all of that on top of everything else . " i 've never been to the beach . i 'm glad you 'll be the one taking me to the ocean for the first time . " sawyer pushes his damp hair back from his face and tucks it behind his ears . she loves his hair , is grateful she can play with whenever she wants these days instead of having to wait for rare moments where they were being nice to each other . " i 've also never been on a plane . " sawyer was feeling a little nervous about that aspect but she was taking a lead from felix ; if he wasn 't nervous then there was no reason for her to be either . " i 'll start packing soon . we can leave all of the winter stuff here for now . but . . . . maybe after everything is over we could spend a week or two on the island if you want ? just the two of us . i want you to show me your home . " Felix couldn 't even begin to explain how good it felt to be this close to her because this was pretty much he had spent their entire relationship waiting for . There were still a lot of things they had to work on and emotions they needed to deal with , but he 'd be damned if this wasn 't progress . He kissed her again when she leaned back into him , then brushed the line of her jaw with his thumb , smiling a little . " I think that sounds better . Though , I really doubt it 'll be Mason you have to worry about . He 's the cupcake of the family . It 's more my mother I have an issue with . " Although it felt like Mason stabbed him in the back , Felix was more concerned about running into his half - breed junkie mother . She had been kicked out of the pack before he was born , then was knocked up when his father went roaming around outside of pack borders . He felt like the way she raised him had a lot to do with why he turned out to be so aggressive and unreliable . After she brushed his hair out of his face , he captured both of her hands so he could press his lips to her palms . Maybe he was going a little overboard with all the affection here , but Felix really couldn 't help it . Now that he was allowed to , he really couldn 't get enough of her . " I promise you 'll love it , and if there 's one place you should lose your beach virginity , Hawaii is definitely the best place . You can be waist - deep and still see your toes . " There 's a tinge of excitement in his voice when he talks about it . Felix had visited the east coast beaches when he 'd been in New York . The water was green and disgusting , littered with trash . It made him crave home more than anything else . " I 've only been on a plane once before , and that was when I left . So we 'll be experiencing it together . " Felix kissed her knuckles before letting her go , settling his hands on her thighs now instead . " Yeah , we can stay for a while . I 'm thinking it 'll be nice to feel warm for once . It 's been so cold for so long . " Leaning forward again , he buried his face back into her neck . He didn 't really think he was speaking strictly of the literal cold , but he was sure she understood what he meant . " i can 't believe you called anyone a cupcake , " sawyer smiles , tugging his hair gently as she teases him . it might have been sarcastic but the endearment still sounded kind of hilarious coming out felix 's mouth like that . this was the most she 'd smiled in the last month and there was a lightness in her chest that she hadn 't felt in a while either . " i 'm almost kind of jealous . " sawyer hesitates for a second , wanting to ask about him about his mother but she decides not to . this moment is easy and gentle and while she likes that they 're being honest with each other , she doesn 't want to ruin the levity . she would ask him about that later , when they were in bed together and neither of them were able to sleep . lately that 's when they 'd been doing a lot of talk and discussing things they should have learned about each other years ago . she was more than pleased with her decision when he kissed her palms . it wasn 't as if he had constantly thrown her around and bruised her every time they 'd ever touched each other but this was definitely knew . sawyer wondered if she could have had this the entire time but it was nice enough to have it now . " my beach virginity ? you 're really on a roll with the the phrases tonight . but i 'm excited to see it . do you think it 's possible to forget how to swim ? i can 't even remember the last time we went . " it feels good to have felix touching her like this and she smiles even wider when he buries his head in her neck . she wraps her arms tighter around his neck and puts her hands in his wet hair , kissing the side of his head . sawyer literally couldn 't remember the last time they 'd been like this . " i agree . i 'm glad we 're leaving the cabin . i 'm ready to get out of the snow and get away from here . " Felix laughed some and shook his head . Even he had to admit that the word cupcake didn 't sound quite right coming from him . " I don 't think I 've ever actually called him that . . . until right now . " Now that he was thinking about it , he never really addressed anyone by any sort of pet name , excluding Sawyer . The first time they met he could remember calling her princess , but that hadn 't felt right , so that had also been the last time . " You want me to start calling you cupcake then ? " Felix smiled at her some , knowing that also would not be a suiting nickname for her either . They might have gotten soft on each other of the past few weeks , but he knew better than to assume Sawyer had changed completely . He knew that the fierceness was still there inside her , even if it might not seem like it . She would always be the strongest ( and borderline insane ) person he knew , and he admired that about her . " Even if you did forget , I 'm sure I could probably teach you . " Never would he ever have imagined actually teaching Sawyer anything . She was a woman capable of pretty much anything , and when she didn 't know something , she did a good job of masking any and all weaknesses . It was nice though , to see this other side to her . Felix wanted to explore this more . To know her inside and out . " I used to surf everyday when I was living there . I taught Mason and a few of the others . . . but I 'm not sure I 'd know how to handle the waves anymore . " He would have liked to think that he still did . Once upon a time , it had been one of his favorite ways to spend literally the entire day . Now all he was really good at was getting into fights and swinging axes . " Yeah , I am too . Maybe this trip won 't be so bad . " Felix pulled her off the counter , picking her up so they could get closer on the couch . Maybe they were going to Hawaii only because his brother asked him to , but he felt like they could probably stay a while . It wasn 't as if he had to be surrounded by his family the entire time they were there . He ans Sawyer could probably find some small spot near the beach to hide away together . felix had never really called her by a nickname but that didn 't bother her . sawyer herself wasn 't very big on pet names and only addressed him by his first name or , when provoked , a string of expletives and insults . the only thing anyone had ever really called her was " princess " and that was something she hated with a deep and fiery passion . " i don 't think i 'm really a cupcake , " she smiles a little ruefully , knowing a sugary nickname had no business being applied to her . there was a part of her that was tempted to tell him that she 'd kinda liked when he called her sweetheart recently but she had a feeling he 'd start checking her forehead for a fever if she admitted to feelings like that . letting the moment pass she listens to him talking about hawaii instead , a small smile on her face . " i want to see you surf . i can 't even imagine it . you 're so big . " sawyer wasn 't being condescending for once ; it really did sound kind of incredible to her that a man felix 's size could balance on a board like that . " once you remember how to do it you can show me . i 'm sure i 'd be terrible . " there are no complaints from sawyer as felix picks her up and carries her to the couch and she waits for him to settle in before she curls up in his lap . she really was looking forward to getting out of the cabin and out of the cold , but she 'd miss having felix all to herself like this . it was nice to spend some time getting to know each other instead of feeling like they were trapped in a cage and ending up screaming at each other just to pass the time . " felix . . . . i know you laughed at me last time i said something like this , but i 'm glad i have you . i don 't need you to be an alpha of a pack or even to be part of one anymore . i love you . " she gave him a small smile before leaning her head against his chest , enjoying their second to the last day of solitude together . whatever happened in honolulu sawyer wanted him to know that she would be there for him . THANKS β₯ Despite all the dread he was feeling about going home to see his family , there suddenly a little bit of excitement sitting there in his chest . Not everything on the island was likely to be that bad and he felt like this was something they could potentially enjoy together . Surfing . The beach . Just being able to actually walk outside without there being a foot of snow in their way . He would be at least a little bit happy about having that opportunity with her . " Yeah , alright . That 's something we can do . Once I figure out how to do it again , I 'll teach you . If you want . I don 't remember it being that hard . " Granted , he had spent the majority of his life out on the water because his head felt a little less cluttered there . Now it had been years since he even looked at the ocean . It would almost be as if they were both experiencing it for the first time together . When they settle on the couch , Felix feels considerably better than he had been just a handful of moments ago . He wraps his arms around her when she crawls into his lap , something she had been doing almost every day now . Although he was pretty sick of being stuck in this cabin , he never failed to enjoy these moments they had started sharing together . " I like hearing you say it . " For a long time Felix felt like he had to get into all of these fights and do all these stupid things just because he thought it might somehow prove himself to her . That he was capable of protecting and loving and providing for her . So it took off some of the burdens from his shoulders to hear her say it . " I love you too , Sawyer . You 're really all I 'll ever need in this life . " Felix kissed her again and nudged her nose before holding her as close as he could . |
He woke exhausted from a night when his dreams had felt like he had been awake , and the times that he was awake had felt like a dream . Once , he 'd woken to a dull low rumbling sound , as if a heavy lorry had been driving slowly past , but he was too tired to do anything other than register annoyance and then slide back to sleep . Now the sun made the blinds into squares of soft yellow , and he stretched and luxuriated in just being there , doing nothing . Evie must have got up early and quiet and taken the kids out , because no - one was running around screaming , or hitting a toy repeatedly against a door , or bouncing on the end of the bed . He lay there for a little longer , content because it was a Saturday , and because he appreciated the gesture from his wife . When he started to fall asleep again , he made himself get up , because it was gone nine and if he went back to sleep he 'd wake up with a terrible headache . He staggered into the shower , bleary and in need of coffee . He turned on the little waterproof portable radio shaped like a crocodile , but all he could get was static , so he tried to make a mental note to buy batteries when they went to the supermarket that afternoon , but knew he would probably forget . The first thing he did when he got downstairs was switch the coffee machine on , and while it was hissing and filling the kitchen with the smell of wakefulness , he took a mug from the tree , ate a biscuit and felt guilty about it because he was trying to lose a few pounds , and flicked the CD player on , switched it to radio . It hissed , and he played with the tuner , but got nothing . He frowned and wandered through to the sitting room with his coffee , picked up the remote and switched on the TV , and saw Evie 's purse , keys and phone on the little table next to the end of the couch where she always sat . Turned , and saw Jake 's pushchair in the corner . The TV came on , with a hiss . It was a beautiful morning , with a clear pale blue sky , and the air felt fresh and smelt of spring . A soft breeze shivered the leaves of the shrubs in their tiny front garden , and he heard it so clearly because there were no cars driving down their street , and no sound of engines and bus air - brakes from the main road just twenty yards away . None of the neighbours were starting their weekend DIY , no kids were riding bikes on the pavement , no - one stood bored and staring into space while their dog pissed up a garden wall . There were five of us , and we thought of ourselves as a gang , even though we didn 't have any rivals to fight . We did have a leader though . Fender was as big as any two of us put together , and he had grown up fast and hard on his dad 's farm with no mother to sweeten the influence . He used to take the piss out of me and Paul - Lord Tweedledum and Lord Tweedledee - we were both from middle - class families , and were both going to boarding school at the end of the summer . Tucky and Mike would be going to the comp ; Mike could have coped at any school , but his father didn 't believe in grammar schools . Tucky - well , Tucky wasn 't the brightest match in the box , as Paul used to say , but he was a laugh . They were all a laugh . It 's what we did , the five of us , laugh , play in the hot sun , swim , fight , build camps , play football , laugh , under skies so blue they appeared painted above the world . And then that summer , there was a sixth . Every group has its outsider ; ours was Miles . He had only arrived in the village that Easter when his father bought the village shop and moved the family in above it . Miles first turned up when we were killing time outside the garage , sitting on the low wall , practising spitting into the cow parsley on the opposite side of the road . He was breathless and talkative ; we were sullen , grudging , curious . We gave him such a hard time in the beginning that I imagine the only reason he put up with it was the lack of any alternative . Fender in particular seemed delighted in the novel challenges presented by a new face . He 'd arrange a gang wrestling tournament , and when he drew the lots for partners , Miles would always end up fighting Fender first . Miles had nearly drowned once on holiday , he confided in us once , eager to win us over with a tale of dramatic adventure . Fender listened intently , and then casually suggested a swim to cool off . He walked off in the direction of the river , taking off his shirt as Miles stood waiting behind , shifting from foot to foot , diminishing in the distance as we all followed our leader . At one point he disappeared for a couple of weeks . We wondered where he had got to , but not to the point of bothering to call round for him . When he eventually reappeared , something was different . He was more confident , in a distant kind of way , his shyness not so much gone as pushed to the back , subdued by something stronger . He 'd meet our eyes now , and argue back if we were talking . We all still teased him , but it just seemed to wash over him . This infuriated Fender , who started getting worse with Miles , giving him a hard time as often as he had the opportunity - and Fender made sure that there were plenty of opportunities . Miles just laughed and went along it , and always seemed too far away for it to really bother him , but this just made it all worse . A week after he had come back we were sitting on the wall by the garage , watching Mike 's cousin doing oily things to the underside of an old van , sucking at ice - pops and waving away wasps . The big question of the day concerned a nest of red ants Mike had found in his garden , and the consensus reached was that we were going to kill them with boiling water first and then excavate the nest afterwards . Miles suggested that when we had finished we should build a gang den down in one of the ditches at the back of Tanner 's Field . Fender paused and hawked up some phlegm , spat it expertly across the road . " We 've been around for years . All the things we 've done . All the fights we 've had . We 've been around for years . Can 't just become part of the gang in one summer . Maybe not even two or three . " Fender snorted . " Sweets . Jesus . No , like beer from his dad 's shop . Or fireworks , proper class bangers and rockets . Or a ninja throwing star . Something like that . Something better . Prove himself worthy . " Miles looked directly at Fender . I had never seen him look so intense . His glasses had slipped down over his nose again but for once he hadn 't pushed them back up . He stared at Fender over the top of them . " You know when I went away for a few days ? Was at my aunt 's . She 's got all sorts of stuff , my aunt . Her shop 's by the docks , she buys stuff off the foreign sailors , see , sells it to the tourists . Old stuff , all sorts . She gave it me . " Miles ran off down the street in that odd , lop - sided way of his . We finished our ice - pops , dropped the wrappers behind the wall , and walked down to the bottom of the road . Fender was first over the fence and as we crossed the rec ground to get to the woods beyond we speculated wildly as to what Miles was going to bring . Tucky was busy telling us about the time he had stolen some cider off his dad , and been sick in his mum 's flowerbed , when we reached the swing . It was our invention , a strong rope with a tyre on the end that Mike 's big brother had tied to a high branch of an oak for us in return for Mike not letting on about his cache of dirty magazines . Miles was there before us , walking round and round the clearing , an excited look on his face , a faded Tesco carrier bag in his hand . Fender carefully assumed his most uninterested look , strolled over to the swing and sat in the tyre , rocking himself to and fro . " What the fuck is that ? " Fender stopped the swing of the tyre with an abrupt kick of his foot into the ground . " I thought you said that it was better than beer . " " It is , " Miles was pleading now . " My aunt said it is . It 's brought me luck . It came from India and she bought it from a sailor , he told her the story of it , it 's sealed in the bottle and as long as I keep it , it will bring me luck , and stop everything being bad for me and make everything right and - " " You said . " Fender was angrier than I had ever seen him . " You said it was better . Better than fireworks . And you bring me this , this , this shit . You can fuck off , and never , ever come near us again , you liar , you shit you , you little lying shit . " Miles made the sort of noise our cat did once when I trod on her tail , and he scrambled off through the trees . We all started after him without really knowing why , but Fender jumped in front of us , holding up his hand . We came to a crashing halt . Tucky nodded , Mike just stood there , eager to run . I wanted to say something to Fender but I didn 't dare in case his anger turned upon me . Paul started to speak , but the look on Fender 's face froze the words and Paul tailed off into an embarrassed mumble . Fender dropped his hand and ran off into the woods , Mike and Tucky close behind . Paul and I exchanged a look , and then ran off after them . After all , it was our gang , we belonged together . And we were scared of Fender - and scared for Miles . We charged down the wooded slope , dodging the low branches that tugged at our shirts and the brambles which left red welts on our legs , and came out onto a dirt path . I saw Tucky 's red t - shirt disappear around to the left , and followed , catching the others up . As I reached them , Fender held up his hand again , and we all stopped . The path led down to the river where we swam , clear bank on this side , steep rocks on the other . Miles was standing where the beaten earth of the path tapered out into the crumbling riverbank . He was holding the bottle tight against his chest . He looked into the water , looked back at us , then across at the rocks , and then back at us again . Fender walked forward , slow deliberate steps , and stopped , a few feet away from Miles . We followed , a few paces behind , waited in Fender 's shadow . " Rub the bottle to see if it 'll come out and fly and rescue you away " said Tucky . " Flap , flap . Is it a bird , is it a plane ? No , it 's Mental Miles and his magic angel . " Miles looked up , tears in his eyes . We all knew that he knew that whatever he said or did , Fender was going to take the bottle . There was a few seconds silence , Fender staring unblinking , his hand outstretched , Miles looking back , scared and defiant . His glasses slowly slid down his nose . Fender leapt forward , but for once in his life Miles moved faster , whipping back his arm and throwing the bottle across the river and towards the rocks on the other side . The bottle spun , turning end over end in the air , and then smashed against a rock . There was a brief moment of light , and then there was just broken glass scattered over rocks on one side of a river , and six small boys standing on the other . Miles walked through the rest of us , and away into the woods . I had moved forward to touch Fender 's arm , to say that enough was enough , but he made no attempt to get to Miles , just stood there , looking across the water . The sun had gone behind a cloud , and all the colour seemed washed out of the air . After a while , Fender turned and walked off into the woods without a word . We all followed at a distance , quiet for a while . Tucky started to say something but Paul punched him hard on the arm and for once Tucky took the hint and shut up . When we got out of the woods , we all went our separate ways . I walked back most of the way home with Paul , and by the time we got to the fence at the back of his house it had started to rain . Paul looked at me as if he was going to say something , then looked away again , vaulted his gate and disappeared inside . I began to run , only intending to run the last few yards home , but as I got to our house I kept on running , faster and faster , until I was sobbing for breath and the muscles in the backs of my legs were burning . I ran the length of the village , I ran as far and as fast I could , but when I reached the garage I couldn 't run any more . I stopped , my arms and legs shaking as if I had a fever , and then I threw up over the little wall of the forecourt , and walked home in the rain . At the end of that summer Paul and I went off to boarding school , and the others to the comp . Although we saw each other in the holidays , the friendship between us all gradually slipped into acquaintance . Even Paul and I , once inseparable , found others , changed from best of friends to just friends . Growing up , growing apart . We went to different universities and occasional letters turned into annual Christmas cards and now he 's married and a father and I have never even met his wife . I catch up on the gossip back in the village once in a while when I visit mum and dad . Tucky works in the garage , as he has since he was sixteen , and Mike survived the comp , got a place at university and ended up teaching there . Fender works on the farm his dad used to own , and has four kids now , by three women . Miles was found in the river , a week or so after that day , his small body caught by a willow which hung its branches tenderly into the water , the soft flowing river eddying around him and then on , rushing over rocks as if nothing had stopped it . The five of us stood together at the funeral , a solemn little gaggle all pink - scrubbed cheeks and hand - me - down too - wide black ties just behind the grieving adults . When it was over and the grown - ups were drinking tea and talking in quiet voices we all left , and walked down to the river , stood in silence in the soft rain for a few minutes , and then walked back to the village . Although nothing had really changed for us , nothing was ever the same . I 'd moved the radio to paint a wall , thinking stupidly that if I changed how things look it might change how things felt , and I must have knocked the tuner . The next morning , I stood dumb and tired waiting for my tea to brew but I couldn 't stand the silence and myself any longer so I flicked the radio on , even though I knew I wouldn 't find anything that didn 't annoy me , just lying politicians , or terrible music . I flicked the radio on and walked away to get my coffee . Static hissed , and I swore and walked back to sort it out . Then I heard her . I stood and listened , but it didn 't come again , and I listened so long I knew I would be late for work . I switched the radio off , but I didn 't change the dial . When I got to work he was angry and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing being so late , and he was so angry he made a spit - bubble and when he opened his mouth it stretched between his upper lip and his lower lip . So I just watched that and didn 't listen to what he was saying . I didn 't think I could work there much longer , but then I hadn 't thought that I could do anything much longer , least of all face the day after day after day and nothing changing . At home that night I didn 't eat because sometimes I just don 't want to . I sat and listened to the static , and eventually she came . I don 't know what she is , or how she is , a voice amongst the noise , just that she is out there , calling my name , as if from a very long way away . I never slept very much , and once I found her I slept even less , just sat there , listening , trying to understand . Sometimes I knew it was her , talking to me , but I could not make out what she was saying , and it became harder , because her voice grew softer , more distant among the hiss . She sounded weaker , fading . I felt cold , and scared at the thought of her leaving me , and I bit at my nails until my fingers bled . Then I got up for work one morning after just two hours sleep , and I could not hear her at all . I stood on the platform in the crush and the stink of sweat , waiting for the tube train , wondering if there was any point in anything now that I had lost the only thing I had , the only thing that called my name , and the warm air blew out of the tunnel and tasted of electricity and dust and the rails hissed and in the hissing I heard her , the tiniest , quietest of sounds , and she was desperate and I understood what she was telling me . So as the train came in , I gave a little push , just a little push , and like dominos , the person two in front of me was on the rails and then under the train and I couldn 't hear anything but shouts and screaming . I didn 't go to work . I have never been back to work . They probably phoned , but I pulled it out of the wall so I wouldn 't know . When I got out of the station , I ran . Not with fear . With excitement . " Same as me , " the younger one said , and then he felt a little stupid , because it had been a pointless thing to say . He didn 't recognise the older man , but because he was quite junior he assumed that anyone in the building who was older than him , and who wore a suit that looked more expensive than his , was senior to him . Which was most people . The lift doors stayed open for a moment , as if inviting them to change their mind . The older man frowned and looked at his watch , so the younger one stabbed at the button again , as if that would make a difference . The lift doors sighed shut , there was a slight jerk , and they started to descend . " Some kind of fault , " the older man said , but he sounded more like he was asking a question than giving an explanation . The younger man pressed the button marked G again , and then again . They stood in silence , and the lift hummed , and they kept going down . So the younger man pressed the bright red button , and there was a moment of static , and then a terrible crying , a screaming wail like a mother who had just lost her child . The younger man jerked his finger back from the button , and the noise stopped . The older man opened his mouth , as if to say something , but then he closed it again . It had been three years since the grey ship had arrived at the island , and everyone had known that if it wasn 't this year , it would be the next . The fog would come , and the next day the grey ship would sail down from the north , and it would anchor in the harbour for one night . In the morning , it would be gone , and so would be the person who was Chosen . They stood at the end of the breakwater , and the fog came in , and when the fog lifted both the ship and the Chosen were gone . " It is a wonderful thing that you do , Daniel , " Anders said . " You know how we live here . Our crops grow , our nets are full of fish , the sun shines upon us and the sicknesses from the mainland never come . It is how we live here . You do a wonderful , wonderful thing . Everyone else here , your mother , your father , your sister , they are safe now . Never the same family twice , not in a lifetime . " Daniel didn 't know how old Anders was but he was older than anyone else on the island . He kept the records , and wrote out the name of every newborn child in beautiful , perfect script in ink on a stone from the beach under the cliffs . The stones went into a box , and from that box came the name of the next of the Chosen . Once , it had been Daniel 's aunt , once , a neighbour . It was how it was , you grew up knowing it was how it was , and you just hoped that it would not be you or someone you loved . But if it turned out to be that . . . it was how it was . Daniel pursed his lips , nodded . That afternoon he said goodbye to his mother , who wailed enough to raise the dead . His father pulled him tight , squeezed hard , then turned away as if he could not bear to look . His sister stared with big eyes , too young to know what was going on , old enough to know that something was . The fog wrapped the island close and early that evening a shout came up from the harbour . The grey ship slid in without a sound , without a sign of life , came to rest in the middle of the harbour . No signal was given , no flag was flown , but none was needed because it was done the way that it always had been done . He stood for a long time , and he shivered , and he cried , and he stopped crying , and then after that he heard a scraping sound and when he looked down there was a small grey rowing boat bobbing at the foot of the old ladder on the side of the breakwater . It had not been there when Anders left him , and he did not know how he had got there . He walked to the ladder , turned to step down , but then stopped . He stood for a long time more , and he shivered but he did not cry anymore , and he waited for something to come and take him . But after a long time the fog thinned , and the sun rose , and the harbour was empty and the grey ship was gone . Daniel didn 't know what to do so he stood there a while longer . The others on the island would be very cross . Maybe they would throw him into the sea anyway . Maybe the grey ship would return the next night . No - one had ever come back , so Daniel didn 't know . He clenched his fists , and he walked back down to the harbour , but nobody shouted at him there and nobody challenged him when he walked up the hill to the village , no dogs barked , no chickens scattered , no babies cried . Daniel walked the empty island for a long time , and then he went back to the harbour , but the grey ship did not return . |
He woke exhausted from a night when his dreams had felt like he had been awake , and the times that he was awake had felt like a dream . Once , he 'd woken to a dull low rumbling sound , as if a heavy lorry had been driving slowly past , but he was too tired to do anything other than register annoyance and then slide back to sleep . Now the sun made the blinds into squares of soft yellow , and he stretched and luxuriated in just being there , doing nothing . Evie must have got up early and quiet and taken the kids out , because no - one was running around screaming , or hitting a toy repeatedly against a door , or bouncing on the end of the bed . He lay there for a little longer , content because it was a Saturday , and because he appreciated the gesture from his wife . When he started to fall asleep again , he made himself get up , because it was gone nine and if he went back to sleep he 'd wake up with a terrible headache . He staggered into the shower , bleary and in need of coffee . He turned on the little waterproof portable radio shaped like a crocodile , but all he could get was static , so he tried to make a mental note to buy batteries when they went to the supermarket that afternoon , but knew he would probably forget . The first thing he did when he got downstairs was switch the coffee machine on , and while it was hissing and filling the kitchen with the smell of wakefulness , he took a mug from the tree , ate a biscuit and felt guilty about it because he was trying to lose a few pounds , and flicked the CD player on , switched it to radio . It hissed , and he played with the tuner , but got nothing . He frowned and wandered through to the sitting room with his coffee , picked up the remote and switched on the TV , and saw Evie 's purse , keys and phone on the little table next to the end of the couch where she always sat . Turned , and saw Jake 's pushchair in the corner . The TV came on , with a hiss . It was a beautiful morning , with a clear pale blue sky , and the air felt fresh and smelt of spring . A soft breeze shivered the leaves of the shrubs in their tiny front garden , and he heard it so clearly because there were no cars driving down their street , and no sound of engines and bus air - brakes from the main road just twenty yards away . None of the neighbours were starting their weekend DIY , no kids were riding bikes on the pavement , no - one stood bored and staring into space while their dog pissed up a garden wall . There were five of us , and we thought of ourselves as a gang , even though we didn 't have any rivals to fight . We did have a leader though . Fender was as big as any two of us put together , and he had grown up fast and hard on his dad 's farm with no mother to sweeten the influence . He used to take the piss out of me and Paul - Lord Tweedledum and Lord Tweedledee - we were both from middle - class families , and were both going to boarding school at the end of the summer . Tucky and Mike would be going to the comp ; Mike could have coped at any school , but his father didn 't believe in grammar schools . Tucky - well , Tucky wasn 't the brightest match in the box , as Paul used to say , but he was a laugh . They were all a laugh . It 's what we did , the five of us , laugh , play in the hot sun , swim , fight , build camps , play football , laugh , under skies so blue they appeared painted above the world . And then that summer , there was a sixth . Every group has its outsider ; ours was Miles . He had only arrived in the village that Easter when his father bought the village shop and moved the family in above it . Miles first turned up when we were killing time outside the garage , sitting on the low wall , practising spitting into the cow parsley on the opposite side of the road . He was breathless and talkative ; we were sullen , grudging , curious . We gave him such a hard time in the beginning that I imagine the only reason he put up with it was the lack of any alternative . Fender in particular seemed delighted in the novel challenges presented by a new face . He 'd arrange a gang wrestling tournament , and when he drew the lots for partners , Miles would always end up fighting Fender first . Miles had nearly drowned once on holiday , he confided in us once , eager to win us over with a tale of dramatic adventure . Fender listened intently , and then casually suggested a swim to cool off . He walked off in the direction of the river , taking off his shirt as Miles stood waiting behind , shifting from foot to foot , diminishing in the distance as we all followed our leader . At one point he disappeared for a couple of weeks . We wondered where he had got to , but not to the point of bothering to call round for him . When he eventually reappeared , something was different . He was more confident , in a distant kind of way , his shyness not so much gone as pushed to the back , subdued by something stronger . He 'd meet our eyes now , and argue back if we were talking . We all still teased him , but it just seemed to wash over him . This infuriated Fender , who started getting worse with Miles , giving him a hard time as often as he had the opportunity - and Fender made sure that there were plenty of opportunities . Miles just laughed and went along it , and always seemed too far away for it to really bother him , but this just made it all worse . A week after he had come back we were sitting on the wall by the garage , watching Mike 's cousin doing oily things to the underside of an old van , sucking at ice - pops and waving away wasps . The big question of the day concerned a nest of red ants Mike had found in his garden , and the consensus reached was that we were going to kill them with boiling water first and then excavate the nest afterwards . Miles suggested that when we had finished we should build a gang den down in one of the ditches at the back of Tanner 's Field . Fender paused and hawked up some phlegm , spat it expertly across the road . " We 've been around for years . All the things we 've done . All the fights we 've had . We 've been around for years . Can 't just become part of the gang in one summer . Maybe not even two or three . " Fender snorted . " Sweets . Jesus . No , like beer from his dad 's shop . Or fireworks , proper class bangers and rockets . Or a ninja throwing star . Something like that . Something better . Prove himself worthy . " Miles looked directly at Fender . I had never seen him look so intense . His glasses had slipped down over his nose again but for once he hadn 't pushed them back up . He stared at Fender over the top of them . " You know when I went away for a few days ? Was at my aunt 's . She 's got all sorts of stuff , my aunt . Her shop 's by the docks , she buys stuff off the foreign sailors , see , sells it to the tourists . Old stuff , all sorts . She gave it me . " Miles ran off down the street in that odd , lop - sided way of his . We finished our ice - pops , dropped the wrappers behind the wall , and walked down to the bottom of the road . Fender was first over the fence and as we crossed the rec ground to get to the woods beyond we speculated wildly as to what Miles was going to bring . Tucky was busy telling us about the time he had stolen some cider off his dad , and been sick in his mum 's flowerbed , when we reached the swing . It was our invention , a strong rope with a tyre on the end that Mike 's big brother had tied to a high branch of an oak for us in return for Mike not letting on about his cache of dirty magazines . Miles was there before us , walking round and round the clearing , an excited look on his face , a faded Tesco carrier bag in his hand . Fender carefully assumed his most uninterested look , strolled over to the swing and sat in the tyre , rocking himself to and fro . " What the fuck is that ? " Fender stopped the swing of the tyre with an abrupt kick of his foot into the ground . " I thought you said that it was better than beer . " " It is , " Miles was pleading now . " My aunt said it is . It 's brought me luck . It came from India and she bought it from a sailor , he told her the story of it , it 's sealed in the bottle and as long as I keep it , it will bring me luck , and stop everything being bad for me and make everything right and - " " You said . " Fender was angrier than I had ever seen him . " You said it was better . Better than fireworks . And you bring me this , this , this shit . You can fuck off , and never , ever come near us again , you liar , you shit you , you little lying shit . " Miles made the sort of noise our cat did once when I trod on her tail , and he scrambled off through the trees . We all started after him without really knowing why , but Fender jumped in front of us , holding up his hand . We came to a crashing halt . Tucky nodded , Mike just stood there , eager to run . I wanted to say something to Fender but I didn 't dare in case his anger turned upon me . Paul started to speak , but the look on Fender 's face froze the words and Paul tailed off into an embarrassed mumble . Fender dropped his hand and ran off into the woods , Mike and Tucky close behind . Paul and I exchanged a look , and then ran off after them . After all , it was our gang , we belonged together . And we were scared of Fender - and scared for Miles . We charged down the wooded slope , dodging the low branches that tugged at our shirts and the brambles which left red welts on our legs , and came out onto a dirt path . I saw Tucky 's red t - shirt disappear around to the left , and followed , catching the others up . As I reached them , Fender held up his hand again , and we all stopped . The path led down to the river where we swam , clear bank on this side , steep rocks on the other . Miles was standing where the beaten earth of the path tapered out into the crumbling riverbank . He was holding the bottle tight against his chest . He looked into the water , looked back at us , then across at the rocks , and then back at us again . Fender walked forward , slow deliberate steps , and stopped , a few feet away from Miles . We followed , a few paces behind , waited in Fender 's shadow . " Rub the bottle to see if it 'll come out and fly and rescue you away " said Tucky . " Flap , flap . Is it a bird , is it a plane ? No , it 's Mental Miles and his magic angel . " Miles looked up , tears in his eyes . We all knew that he knew that whatever he said or did , Fender was going to take the bottle . There was a few seconds silence , Fender staring unblinking , his hand outstretched , Miles looking back , scared and defiant . His glasses slowly slid down his nose . Fender leapt forward , but for once in his life Miles moved faster , whipping back his arm and throwing the bottle across the river and towards the rocks on the other side . The bottle spun , turning end over end in the air , and then smashed against a rock . There was a brief moment of light , and then there was just broken glass scattered over rocks on one side of a river , and six small boys standing on the other . Miles walked through the rest of us , and away into the woods . I had moved forward to touch Fender 's arm , to say that enough was enough , but he made no attempt to get to Miles , just stood there , looking across the water . The sun had gone behind a cloud , and all the colour seemed washed out of the air . After a while , Fender turned and walked off into the woods without a word . We all followed at a distance , quiet for a while . Tucky started to say something but Paul punched him hard on the arm and for once Tucky took the hint and shut up . When we got out of the woods , we all went our separate ways . I walked back most of the way home with Paul , and by the time we got to the fence at the back of his house it had started to rain . Paul looked at me as if he was going to say something , then looked away again , vaulted his gate and disappeared inside . I began to run , only intending to run the last few yards home , but as I got to our house I kept on running , faster and faster , until I was sobbing for breath and the muscles in the backs of my legs were burning . I ran the length of the village , I ran as far and as fast I could , but when I reached the garage I couldn 't run any more . I stopped , my arms and legs shaking as if I had a fever , and then I threw up over the little wall of the forecourt , and walked home in the rain . At the end of that summer Paul and I went off to boarding school , and the others to the comp . Although we saw each other in the holidays , the friendship between us all gradually slipped into acquaintance . Even Paul and I , once inseparable , found others , changed from best of friends to just friends . Growing up , growing apart . We went to different universities and occasional letters turned into annual Christmas cards and now he 's married and a father and I have never even met his wife . I catch up on the gossip back in the village once in a while when I visit mum and dad . Tucky works in the garage , as he has since he was sixteen , and Mike survived the comp , got a place at university and ended up teaching there . Fender works on the farm his dad used to own , and has four kids now , by three women . Miles was found in the river , a week or so after that day , his small body caught by a willow which hung its branches tenderly into the water , the soft flowing river eddying around him and then on , rushing over rocks as if nothing had stopped it . The five of us stood together at the funeral , a solemn little gaggle all pink - scrubbed cheeks and hand - me - down too - wide black ties just behind the grieving adults . When it was over and the grown - ups were drinking tea and talking in quiet voices we all left , and walked down to the river , stood in silence in the soft rain for a few minutes , and then walked back to the village . Although nothing had really changed for us , nothing was ever the same . I 'd moved the radio to paint a wall , thinking stupidly that if I changed how things look it might change how things felt , and I must have knocked the tuner . The next morning , I stood dumb and tired waiting for my tea to brew but I couldn 't stand the silence and myself any longer so I flicked the radio on , even though I knew I wouldn 't find anything that didn 't annoy me , just lying politicians , or terrible music . I flicked the radio on and walked away to get my coffee . Static hissed , and I swore and walked back to sort it out . Then I heard her . I stood and listened , but it didn 't come again , and I listened so long I knew I would be late for work . I switched the radio off , but I didn 't change the dial . When I got to work he was angry and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing being so late , and he was so angry he made a spit - bubble and when he opened his mouth it stretched between his upper lip and his lower lip . So I just watched that and didn 't listen to what he was saying . I didn 't think I could work there much longer , but then I hadn 't thought that I could do anything much longer , least of all face the day after day after day and nothing changing . At home that night I didn 't eat because sometimes I just don 't want to . I sat and listened to the static , and eventually she came . I don 't know what she is , or how she is , a voice amongst the noise , just that she is out there , calling my name , as if from a very long way away . I never slept very much , and once I found her I slept even less , just sat there , listening , trying to understand . Sometimes I knew it was her , talking to me , but I could not make out what she was saying , and it became harder , because her voice grew softer , more distant among the hiss . She sounded weaker , fading . I felt cold , and scared at the thought of her leaving me , and I bit at my nails until my fingers bled . Then I got up for work one morning after just two hours sleep , and I could not hear her at all . I stood on the platform in the crush and the stink of sweat , waiting for the tube train , wondering if there was any point in anything now that I had lost the only thing I had , the only thing that called my name , and the warm air blew out of the tunnel and tasted of electricity and dust and the rails hissed and in the hissing I heard her , the tiniest , quietest of sounds , and she was desperate and I understood what she was telling me . So as the train came in , I gave a little push , just a little push , and like dominos , the person two in front of me was on the rails and then under the train and I couldn 't hear anything but shouts and screaming . I didn 't go to work . I have never been back to work . They probably phoned , but I pulled it out of the wall so I wouldn 't know . When I got out of the station , I ran . Not with fear . With excitement . " Same as me , " the younger one said , and then he felt a little stupid , because it had been a pointless thing to say . He didn 't recognise the older man , but because he was quite junior he assumed that anyone in the building who was older than him , and who wore a suit that looked more expensive than his , was senior to him . Which was most people . The lift doors stayed open for a moment , as if inviting them to change their mind . The older man frowned and looked at his watch , so the younger one stabbed at the button again , as if that would make a difference . The lift doors sighed shut , there was a slight jerk , and they started to descend . " Some kind of fault , " the older man said , but he sounded more like he was asking a question than giving an explanation . The younger man pressed the button marked G again , and then again . They stood in silence , and the lift hummed , and they kept going down . So the younger man pressed the bright red button , and there was a moment of static , and then a terrible crying , a screaming wail like a mother who had just lost her child . The younger man jerked his finger back from the button , and the noise stopped . The older man opened his mouth , as if to say something , but then he closed it again . It had been three years since the grey ship had arrived at the island , and everyone had known that if it wasn 't this year , it would be the next . The fog would come , and the next day the grey ship would sail down from the north , and it would anchor in the harbour for one night . In the morning , it would be gone , and so would be the person who was Chosen . They stood at the end of the breakwater , and the fog came in , and when the fog lifted both the ship and the Chosen were gone . " It is a wonderful thing that you do , Daniel , " Anders said . " You know how we live here . Our crops grow , our nets are full of fish , the sun shines upon us and the sicknesses from the mainland never come . It is how we live here . You do a wonderful , wonderful thing . Everyone else here , your mother , your father , your sister , they are safe now . Never the same family twice , not in a lifetime . " Daniel didn 't know how old Anders was but he was older than anyone else on the island . He kept the records , and wrote out the name of every newborn child in beautiful , perfect script in ink on a stone from the beach under the cliffs . The stones went into a box , and from that box came the name of the next of the Chosen . Once , it had been Daniel 's aunt , once , a neighbour . It was how it was , you grew up knowing it was how it was , and you just hoped that it would not be you or someone you loved . But if it turned out to be that . . . it was how it was . Daniel pursed his lips , nodded . That afternoon he said goodbye to his mother , who wailed enough to raise the dead . His father pulled him tight , squeezed hard , then turned away as if he could not bear to look . His sister stared with big eyes , too young to know what was going on , old enough to know that something was . The fog wrapped the island close and early that evening a shout came up from the harbour . The grey ship slid in without a sound , without a sign of life , came to rest in the middle of the harbour . No signal was given , no flag was flown , but none was needed because it was done the way that it always had been done . He stood for a long time , and he shivered , and he cried , and he stopped crying , and then after that he heard a scraping sound and when he looked down there was a small grey rowing boat bobbing at the foot of the old ladder on the side of the breakwater . It had not been there when Anders left him , and he did not know how he had got there . He walked to the ladder , turned to step down , but then stopped . He stood for a long time more , and he shivered but he did not cry anymore , and he waited for something to come and take him . But after a long time the fog thinned , and the sun rose , and the harbour was empty and the grey ship was gone . Daniel didn 't know what to do so he stood there a while longer . The others on the island would be very cross . Maybe they would throw him into the sea anyway . Maybe the grey ship would return the next night . No - one had ever come back , so Daniel didn 't know . He clenched his fists , and he walked back down to the harbour , but nobody shouted at him there and nobody challenged him when he walked up the hill to the village , no dogs barked , no chickens scattered , no babies cried . Daniel walked the empty island for a long time , and then he went back to the harbour , but the grey ship did not return . |
This started out being a way to let family and friends keep up with the happenings in Alabama . In August of 2016 , we returned to our roots , retiring in the middle of Kansas . I 'd love to have you comment and come back often ! Oh , dear ! I 've got so much to share and am so far behind , I don 't know where to start . Just overwhelmed with it all . First of all , we spent the month of October in Kansas at our little house there in Little River . We went back to check on the farm and on the house . Prior to our arrival - sometime that month before - a terrible hail storm went though the area . Hutchinson , where we lived before moving to Alabama ( 30 miles south of LR ) , got it far worse than Little River - hail the size of grapefruits ! Nevertheless , we got golf ball size hail , and it totaled the roof , punched holes in the siding on the north end of the house and battered the large awning over the deck on the back of the house to pieces . Thankfully the roof did not leak . While still in Alabama , we had contact with our insurance company and adjusters were sent - several times . So while we were in Kansas , we hoped to make contact with the roofing company and find a siding company as well . One man came from Great Bend and sounded quite enthused and willing to do the siding , but he just never got back with us on a bid . Meanwhile , we contacted another company who had many signs in yards all over town , and he gave us a bid on residing the whole house . Yowza ! ! ! $ $ $ $ $ BUT he could side the whole house for about twice what it would cost to do one end which the insurance company was paying for . This would also involve " wrapping " the window frames - more $ $ $ $ . Anyway , we agreed to kind of do it in hitches - siding now , windows in the spring . Who knows when the roof will be replaced ( which the insurance is going to cover ) . You have to have temperatures above 50 degrees to roof , so it may not get done until spring . We also wanted to have the backyard fenced , so that we didn 't have to take Annie out on a leash every time - that 's a pain ! We called one man , who said he was ill ( and sounded like it ) , so he didn 't show up at the appointed time . We ended up going with Lowe 's . After making all the arrangements , we waited nearly a week for them to call us to come out and get started . I finally called , and they were waiting on us to come pay . Well , it would have been nice to know that ! As it turned out , he came out to drive some stakes in the ground the day before we were leaving to come home . Soooooo . . . . . all that time there , talking with lots of contractors , and not a lick of work actually got done ! Shortly after we got home , the fence contractor 's office called to ask me to sign off on the fence job , and I told her I didn 't even have any proof that it got done ! I told her to have the contractor take pictures of the finished job and email them to me , and then I 'd sign off on the job . Well , here we are a half a month later and no pictures . I finally called the next door neighbor there to ask her if they got our fence put up , and she said , " No , I just see some posts in the ground on the north side . " I guess there is no real hurry since we are not there and won 't be until next April . Hopefully when we go back then , we 'll have a fenced in backyard , a new roof , and new siding ( and awning ) . Anyway , we had a great time - just pretty much doing nothing . Jeannine and the girls came back for a long weekend in the middle , and we certainly enjoyed spending time with them . The girls are in a new charter school where they are learning all kinds of crafts along with their regular school work . Here they are playing with clay . They both learned to " finger knit " which I had never really heard of . Jeannine said they are also learning to knit with needles they made out of sticks they sanded into round and pointed needles . Since they got into the school after the school year started , Sofia had not learned how to knit with needles , so Grandma gave her a lesson , and she caught on very well . This was Sunday morning getting ready for church . The girls had on their shirts that I applique embroidered , and the matching skirts I had made . Aren 't they so sweet ? ! ? ! The weather was actually pretty nice the whole time there . It was in the upper 60s and low 70s . There were even a couple days where the wind didn 't try to blow the hair off your head ! It snowed enough that the girls made quite a snowman in the backyard . I didn 't get a picture of it until the next day where it was warm again , and he was starting to melt . I thought he kind of looked like the Alabama elephant mascot by then . : ) Roll Tide Roll ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We went to a Friday night high school football game . That was a trip ! A trip back in time ! I remember so well playing in the pep band - trying to keep my mouth piece warm on those cold nights . " Loyal and true , we pledge allegiance to you . . . " Yep , I remembered all the words to the fight song ! And it was a cold night that night , too , with a major cold front that moved in . I sat there looking at all the young people who had familiar looks to their faces , but didn 't know to whom they belonged . One lady sitting in front of us , Jackie , was a year ahead of me in school . I looked at her , and she looked just like her mother did back then . Her daughter sitting next to her looked like Jackie did back then . And the daughter 's son was one of the football players . We skipped a whole generation ! Here we were now the grandparents sitting in the stands , and I sat there wondering if I looked just like my mother did back then . . . . . One thing I really enjoyed while there was going to the day and evening quilt guilds I used to belong to when I lived in Hutchinson . I was a charter member on the Evening Star Quilt Guild , and there was only one other charter member still attending now - my quilt buddy from then - LaRue . I was able to talk with her on the phone and then visit at the meeting . It was great fun seeing some of the day guild members that I knew as well . I also attended a quilt show in a little town nearby and sitting at the greeters ' desk was a nurse I used to work with when I lived in Lyons and worked at the doctors ' office . What a great reunion that was ! ! Here are some quilts from that show . This first one I liked because I have a wall hanging made from the red rose fabric . I liked the kaleidoscoping affect in the center of each block . This one was a picture quilt , celebrating someone 's anniversary I think . It reminded me of the one I made for Mom and Dad 's 60th anniversary . I had heard there was possibly a quilt shop in another little nearby town of Alden . I had never been to that town all the years we lived there . But I knew where it was and figured , how hard could it be to find a quilt shop in this tiny town ? ? Someone said it was across from the cafΓ© . As I entered the town , I saw a sign to turn left to the cafΓ© . It turned out that just about the only thing in town was this cafΓ© and the quilt shop ! The shop took up about 4 store fronts and that was just about the length of the downtown part of town ! : ) They were the friendliest people in there ! They had fabric all over the place - from one room to the next to the next . I saw this one quilt in progress on a table , and just had to have that fabric and pattern ! It was all about roosters . I thought that would look nice in the house in Little River . So I bought it and sewed it up before leaving to come home . I just have to quilt it now . The tan fabric has a chicken wire design . Now we 're back home and into our normal routine - pretty much . I didn 't do any physical therapy while I was in Kansas , although I took a prescription for it with me . I did my exercises faithfully , and gradually , I went from 2 crutches to one , and then none . My foot is healing pretty well , although I still have some tenderness when I walk . BUT the big thing is my knee . That gives me the most trouble when walking . Before going to Kansas , I went to a doctor for my knee , fully expecting him to tell me I needed a knee replacement , since another doctor had told me 4 years ago that I needed one . However , after looking at the x - rays , he said I did not meet the criteria for a total knee replacement . The inner part of my knee was bone - on - bone , but the outer part appeared to have adequate cartilage . He had me flex and straighten my knee , and then he said , " Most people who need a knee replacement can 't straighten their leg out or bend it like you can . " Well , the only reason I could do that was all the physical therapy I had been having getting ready for the knee surgery . Also , I had not tried the conservative treatment route first - NSAIDS , cortisone shot , and PT . So I left with the conservative treatment plan . After a month to 2 months on that plan , my knee is no better - maybe even a bit worse . So I returned to him after coming home from Kansas . I told him nothing worked , and I 'm still in pain when walking . Was I a candidate for a partial knee replacement ? After poking around on the outside of my knee as well as the inside and feeling pain everywhere , he said I wasn 't a candidate for a partial knee . My whole knee was involved , so he asked me when I wanted to schedule the total knee replacement surgery . He didn 't seem to bat an eye this time . At first I thought I 'd wait until the week after Thanksgiving , but then changed to the week before . He told me Guy would HAVE to take a week off to be with me , so I figured it would be easier for him to take off the week of Thanksgiving than the week after . So the surgery is scheduled I had forgotten that Mark had obtained tickets for Guy and I to the Alabama / Chattanooga game the 23rd . RATS ! I was SO looking forward to going to that game . I 've been wanting to go to an Alabama game for so long . Mark said he 'd get more next year and that I should go on and get the surgery over with . I 'm a little nervous about this surgery . I didn 't really get nervous over the foot surgery , and there was no pain beyond the initial few days after surgery , because it was immobilized for 11 weeks . I know there is going to be pain with the knee , because you have to start moving it right away - and keep moving it . I know you have to work really hard in PT . I can do that - I did it with my foot . I just want it to all be over - and 6 months down the road ! Several times this last week I thought I 'd catch up here , but just never got to it . I 've been going to PT 3 times a week and working hard there . And then I have a ton of exercises I have to do at home . My foot is doing pretty well - still some tenderness on the bottom , but my knee is still the major problem . Robert has got my range of motion going well and my extension and flexion measurements are good . I can ride the stationary bicycle for 10 minutes on the 3rd level with no problem . And most of the exercises I can do with little problem - all except WALKING ! I just cannot walk without my knee hurting . I still need to use at least one crutch . Friday he worked more on my gait . I started Mobic ( an NSAID ) for a week with no change . I called the Dr . 's office to see if they would change me to another NSAID - Lodine . Back when I first started doctoring for my foot , the first doctor put me on Mobic and when it did nothing , he changed me to Lodine . As I recall , it did nothing for my foot but helped my knee . So the knee doctor changed me to Lodine . I 've only been on it a couple days , so I can 't really tell any difference yet . In the meantime , I 've been doing some research on partial knee replacement , and from what I 've read , it seems to me that I 'm a perfect candidate for that . Those are appropriate for people who have one part of the knee affected , but the rest is OK . That 's me . The inner part of the knee joint is bone - on - bone , but there is good cartilage everywhere else . The inner aspect is the part most commonly affected in most people . PKRs are not nearly as invasive as total knees , and the recovery process is considerably quicker . The PTs say that they 've worked with those who have had PKRs , and they do very well . So I will get a 2nd opinion and check into this the 1st of November . That will give me a whole month on the medication and lots of PT . If any of the conservative treatment is going to work , it will surely do so within that time . I 've got a prescription for PT in KS if I feel like I need it . Otherwise , I 'll just continue my exercises and hope I don 't go backwards . I 'd still like to save some PT visits in case I have surgery later in the year . The rest of the time during the week was getting ready for our Kansas trip . One of the things I wanted to do was make a couple outfits for the girls . I 'm making a skirt with two different fabrics and then applique embroidering an " S " on a shirt for Sofia and an " M " on Maya 's shirt . I got the initials on the shirts , and they turned out well . I got Sofia 's skirt done except for the elastic in the waist . When I went to cut Maya 's skirt ( different fabric ) , I cut it wrong ! Just as soon as I made the cut with the rotary cutter , I knew I had done it wrong . Boo ! ! And of course I didn 't have enough fabric then . : ( The next day I called Sew Delightful in Tuscaloosa where I bought the fabric . As I described the fabric , she looked up my ticket and knew exactly what I needed . HOWEVER , they had sold out of it . ARGH ! She said she was pretty sure I could go online and find it . I did , and I found it . I ordered it to be sent to the KS address . Hopefully it will come in time , and I can finish it beforWe always stay in Conway , AR , when we go to KS . That is about half - way , and we have a hotel we like . They allow pets and have a good hot breakfast . The drive today was about the easiest we 've ever made and the quickest . Going through Memphis was a breeze , and the I - 40 ( perpetual ) construction only slowed us up about 10 mph . So that was a breeze , too . We usually get here about supper time , but we arrived a little after 4 : 00 pm today . The weather was just perfect until I came out from checking in at the hotel , and before we could get anything unload , the sky opened up and POURED on us ! ! Thankfully it didn 't last long . With all the stops we made along the way and all the going outside at the hotel , Annie has not done her business ALL DAY ! ! I don 't know how she can hold it that long . I don 't think I 've packed enough warm clothes . I 've heard from several that it is cold in Kansas . When I looked at the long - range forecast , it looked as though it was going to be pretty pleasant while there - 70s - 80s the first week and then into the 60s the rest of the time . I saw that the lows would be in the 40s . I don 't think I 'm quite ready for that ! I didn 't pack any regular sweaters . I did put in several long pants , and long - sleeved T - shirts and a couple cardigans to wear , along with a front - zip sweatshirt . I couldn 't fit anything else in my suitcase . It seems that every time we go , we have the truck so full , you can squeeze in another blade of grass . This time we didn 't want to mess with a tarp , so everything had to go in the bed of the pickup with the flat top Guy has over the bed and in the cab . I wonder if we 'll ever get finished with taking stuff to the house there . We still didn 't get everything we wanted to take in this trip . There are still pictures and another bedside table yet to go . Maybe next time . BUT I got my sewing machine , table , and quilt fabric in the truck ! ! ! First things first , you know ! : ) There wasn 't room for the sewing chair , though . I just need to buy one and leave it there . It is such an unhandy shape to pack anyway . 61 . Safe trip to Conway , AR . 62 . Minimal traffic all the way today . 63 . Able to listen to the Alabama game on the iPhone , even though it was a Georgia station - with announcers who were very complementary of our team . 64 . The very friendly young man who waited on us at IHOP tonight . Posted by A few years ago , we left Charter TV and went to Direct TV satellite service . I can 't remember exactly why we did that , but we did . We both hated it ! The biggest problem was that when you needed a television the most - right at the height of a bad storm - we would lose the satellite signal . And you know the kind of storms we have here in the south in the spring time ! And we get lots of rain . When James Spann is telling you where that tornado is - practically street by street - you want to make sure your TV is ON ! So we got fed up with it , and paid to get out of the contract early . We went with AT & T U - Verse - mainly because we were offered a " deal . " Well , as it turned out that " deal " ended up quite expensive and never seemed to be the amount we were promised . The TV was fine ; I didn 't really have any beef with it - it was just costly . Several weeks ago , I was in Best Buy and was approached by someone who asked who our TV provider was . I could see he was a Direct TV salesman , and I told him I was doing just fine with what I had - in fact I had paid to get out of a contract early with his company , and I had no interest in what he offered . He kind of chuckled and walked off . Then last weekend we were again in Best Buy . A Direct TV salesman approached my husband and began to give him " the pitch . " He listened and then brought me into the conversation , but I told the man the reason why we got rid of his company early the last time we had satellite TV . He assured us that the equipment was all new technology now - that 99 % of the time our reception would not go out , and it would be constant in a storm . When he found our old dish was mounted on a pole , he said that was our problem before - there was too much vibration in a storm . After all the discounts he would give us , the cost per month was over $ 100 less than what we were currently paying . All the added benefits of Direct TV plus the deceased amount each month sounded tempting . Plus we would get a $ 150 gift certificate to Best Buy . I called AT & T , and we were no longer under contract with them , so it would cost us nothing to discontinue service with them . Of course , they tried to keep us by offering to add channels to our current service AND reduce the amount of our bill for 6 months . When I asked what it would be AFTER 6 months , of course it was more than what we were paying now . I promptly told them NO ! So , to save money , we decided to give Direct TV another try . I told the salesman , " If I get to bad weather season , and our reception goes out , I 'm coming back to chew your ear off ! " The installation appointment was made for last Tuesday which I had to put off to Thursday due to the doctor 's appointment for my knee . Thursday arrived and the installation tech arrived . When he looked outside to see that we already had a dish , he told me that the dish we had used previously was the same they use now . Even the center apparatus was the same as what we had before ( i . e . no new technology ) . That had been updated about 3 years ago . The only thing that was updated now is the receivers - the boxes that go in the home . They are about 3 " x4 " now . I told him , " Oh , wait a minute now ! Do you mean to tell me that there is not " new technology " that will give me continuous reception in a storm ? ? ? ! ! ! " He said , " No , whatever reception you had before is what you 'll have now . It is like shining a laser at something - if you put a piece of paper in between , you 'll cut off the signal . It is the same way with rain and with cloud density . That 's why we don 't like to install them on really cloudy days , because you can 't get a real good signal . " When I asked him about it being mounted on a pole , he said the pole we had was solid in cement . That was not the problem . AARRGGHH ! ! ! I said , " So what you are telling me is that lousy salesman just fed me a line ? ! " He looked kind of sheepish , hung his head a bit , and said rather softly , " Well . . . . . pretty much . I 'm not going to lie to you . " AARRGGHH ! ! ! I told him to wait a minute - that I had to make a phone call , because we may not even want this ! I called Guy , and furiously told him all the tech had told me . Guy reminded me that the salesman also told us that even if our TV reception went out , we could stream our local channel over our computers , so we could still get the weather reports as long as we had power . The tech again told me that if the satellite goes out , there is no streaming over your computer other than through your internet - not the satellite . Well , there you go . . . . salesman lied again ! Guy and I mulled it over and decided that we would go ahead with it because it was saving us enough money , and we can stream the local channels over our internet , which we are leaving with AT & T ( because we don 't wanAs he was installing the equipment , he told me that the TV out on the screened in porch is too old for the connections , so we won 't be able to hook that one up . It was hooked up with AT & T service through a splitter , but splitters don 't work with satellite . Guy sits out there and watches TV a lot in the evenings in the spring , summer and fall . Oh , well . . . . . no more . The TV we had out there was given to us by our neighbors when they had a garage sale . Guy put it out there because , if someone came into our backyard and stole it , we wouldn 't be out much . Putting one of our flat screens out there doesn 't seem like a wise option . After all the equipment was installed , the guy said " We 've got a bit of a problem . The activation service is down , so I can 't finish my installation . I 've got another install an hour away , so I can 't come back after that one to finish here . When the service comes back up , I 'll activate it , call you , and walk you through all the rest of it . " He briefly told me the steps I 'd take , and there was no way I could remember those . But what could I do ? I reluctantly signed his papers , and he left . And I had no TV . That was OK because I don 't turn the TV on until Jeopardy comes on . But when it came time to watch Jeopardy , I tried streaming it over my computer - no luck ! : ( Considerable time passed , and I received no call . I finally called him , and he was just finishing up his last installation , and he was going to call me on his way home to walk me through it . He walked me through the steps on the main TV , which were numerous . I then went to the kitchen and activated it , trying desperately to remember all the steps . Then I did the one in the bedroom , hobbled upstairs to do the ones in the guest room , and in my quilt room . ( I know , we have too many TVs ! ) In the meantime , I had to call him back a few times . When they were all activated , I still had to use one remote to turn the TV on and control the volume , and the new remote to activate the satellite . When I called him back to ask about that he told me how to program all the remotes . The one in the living room and kitchen went just fine , but the one in the master bedroom would not program . I tried about 20 times - until my thumbs were about to fall off . I called him , and he told me to go do the rest so I was sure I was doing it right and come back to that one last . I did that , and all the others went fairly smoothly . The one in the master bedroom was a no - go ! He had me reset the receiver - no - go . He had me do it a different way - no - go . He finally said he would call his supervisor to see if he had an install this direction the next day , and he would come by to see what the problem was . I told him I was sorry . I had programed all the rest , so I knew that I was doing it correctly ! So I gave up and shut that unit in the bedroom off . By this time , it was nearly 6 : 00 pm , and it had taken me nearly 2 hours to hobble all over the house and do this man 's job . Guy had come home , and I had no supper prepared . ( Aw , shucks ! Now we 'd have to go out and eat ! ) Later in the evening , I went back to the bedroom to try one more time . I turned the receiver back on and after 3 more tries , it WORKED ! ! I called the tech back for the ump - teenth time to say he didn 't need to come back after all . Do I need to tell you I was not a happy camper ? Here this slick , nice - dressed salesman ( who , incidentally was training another salesman ) had BOLD . FACE . LIED to me , and then I had to do half the install tech man 's job . In the midst of all this Jeannine called me . When I told her what was going on , she just laughed and told me that I was crazy to believe anything sales people tell you . And she said , " Good luck with getting the $ 150 gift certificate ! When we tried to get our $ 200 one , they told us they didn 't know anything about that ! " What has this world come to ? ? ? ? I think it is a crying shame when you have to look at everyone in business as though they are lying to you ! ! I will say that once I got everything going , I do believe that the picture on the TV is better . It is a beautiful crystal clear HD picture ! But , let me tell you . . . . I 'm headed for Best Buy the first chance I have to give that sleazy salesman a piece of my mind ! And I hope his little trainee is with him because he needs an ear full , too . He needs to know that his role model is a leading him down a path he should not be taking . What I need to do is find out who the salesman 's supervisor is and report him . OK , now that I 've let off all that s . t . e . a . m . , I 'll move on . Time to get ready for " the game . " ROLL TIDE ! ! ! ! ! ! I went to see a doctor today , fully thinking he was going to tell me I needed a total knee replacement . 4 years ago another orthopedic doctor told me I needed a total knee , but I didn 't do it then because I could still get around without a lot of trouble . Some of my peers told me not to have it until I couldn 't walk across the room without pain , or it interfered with things like grocery shopping . Now I 'm at that point . I just figured 4 yrs later , the knee was surely in worse shape . After several x - rays , the doctor came in to tell me that I didn 't really meet the criteria for a total knee replacement . I have to say that I was shocked . He explained the criteria : he said that the x - rays would have to show bone - on - bone pretty much in all areas - I saw my x - rays , and the interior side seemed to be pretty much bone - on - bone , but the outside area showed nice space as well as good space all around the patella ( which means there is cartilage in those areas ) . I would also need to have severe arthritis . He felt I was on the borderline between moderate and severe . I would not be able to straighten my knee completely out , and mine ( carefully ) would straighten . ( That 's because I 've been doing PT to get it to do that ! ) I would not be able to bend my knee much past a 90 - degree angle , and I could bend mine past 45 degrees . ( Again , PT working on that . ) I would also need to have tried all the conservative treatments and failed them - cortisone injections periodically , anti - inflammatory medications , a knee brace , physical therapy . He said that for people who were borderline needing a total knee ended up with more complications after surgery than those who clearly needed the surgery . He said he could go in and do a partial knee replacement , but didn 't really recommend that either . He felt that being off the knee for so long ( with my foot surgery ) and having arthritis all contributed to all the pain I 'm having now . So I went with his recommendation and got a shot in my knee with cortisone and a local anesthetic ( oh , how I hate needles I thought about getting a 2nd opinion , but perhaps this is the road the Lord has set out for me right now . I 'll travel it until He turns it a different direction . " Lord , help me to accept your road and your time line . " I went for another physical therapy appointment this morning . Boy , Robert does work you hard ! He repeated some measurements of my foot that he had taken at the beginning , and there was a lot of improvement . He said my foot was not quite 100 % yet , and it would probably not be until I got my knee fixed . He thought I should continue a little more therapy on the foot , and he 's also working on strengthening the muscles around my knee . This afternoon I went for my orthopedic appointment , and got good news . He said the foot was doing great ! The x - rays showed it was healing fine , and I could get rid of all my stuff ( crutches ) . I told him that I thought , even though the foot was still a little tender , I probably could just walk on it without the use of assistance , but I still needed the crutches because of my knee . I gave him the report Robert had sent with me , and he said that I could probably cut back to once a week on the PT . He agreed that I needed to see someone about my knee , and he told me I was free to have the knee surgery whenever it could be scheduled . When I asked him , " If your wife were to need her knee replaced , who would you have do it ? " he gave me three names . Then I asked him to choose on of those three . The doctor he named was the one I was leaning toward , so that seemed to answer my prayer . In fact he said he would call him right then and set up an appointment for me . As soon as I got to the car , I called this other doctor and made the appointment for next Monday . While I was on the phone , I got a call , and when I hung up and listened to my voice mail , it was the nurse saying she had already called , and they would see me tomorrow at 1 : 00 . So we 'll see what he says . This particular doctor used to be in practice with Dr . Lemack , who is a pretty well known orthopedic surgeon who operates on famous athletes , but went out on his own . Mark took Dylan to see him when he was having some issues related to soccer , and Mark was very impressed with him . I 'll try to schedule the surgery for November since there is still a possibility that we may go to Kansas for some time in October . Today is the first day of fall , and I definitely felt it when I opened the door to let Annie out before church this morning . It was plum cold ! ! Well , to me , anyway . So many people say that fall is their favorite time of the year . I don 't know . . . . . while the fall foliage is simply spectacular in Alabama , to me there is something kind of sad thinking about the lovely green leaves dying and falling to the ground , leaving the trees to face a bleak winter . I just don 't enjoy seeing naked brown trees , brown grass - brown , brown , brown everywhere . I guess that must be why I have so few brown pieces of clothing in my wardrobe . I know most people love the cooler weather . I 'm just not one of them . Don 't get me wrong - I 'm not a lover of hot weather , but the cooler temperatures of fall signal that the cold temperatures of winter are not far behind . I would say that spring is my favorite time of the year because of the birth of " green " and flowers everywhere , BUT that brings on my terrible allergies ! Even though I was tested , I 'm not sure what the main culprit is . It 's something when the dogwood trees bloom . They say people are not generally allergic to dogwoods , but as soon as they pop , I enter the land of misery ! ! Last year I escaped it because we spent April in Kansas . That sounds like a good plan next April , too . We 've sure enjoyed the tomatoes from our plants this summer . As you can see in the background , the bush is about to give it up . There are a few more on the vines still ripening . Nothing like a good home - grown , truly vine - ripened tomato ! Changing the topic a bit now . I 'm continuing to go to PT twice a week . I 'm not sure how much longer I will do this , since I need to save as many visits as I can for after my knee surgery . My foot seems to be progressing well . I 'm wearing an elastic stocking ( because it swells so badly ) and tennis shoes and able to navigate with one crutch - unless I 'm going to walk a good distance ; then I need both crutches . I think I could just about take right off and walk on this foot ( with a little discomfort ) if it were not for this pesky knee ! ! When I walk , I end up thinking about my knee more than my foot . I cannot put full pressure on my foot because of my knee hurting - and I can 't walk on it straightened out . My physical therapist says that is good - footwise - because that means the foot is healing . Tomorrow ( Monday ) I 'll be checking back with my orthopedic doctor . I hope he thinks my foot is healing well enough that I can make an appointment for my knee . The only reason I 've not already seen someone about my knee is that I want to ask him , " If your wife needed her knee replaced , who would you send her to ? " When I get that name , I 'm calling immediately to get the appointment set up . I just think there is going to be a whole rash of people having major surgeries before the end of the year , and I 'm so afraid of not being able to get mine scheduled . Everyone I talk to who has had a knee replacement has said , " Why did I wait so long , " or " I 've never regretted doing this and would certainly do it again . " I just want to get it all behind me , so I can get back on both feet again ! I have this portable wheelchair that I 've been using when I really need to hurry in the house ( or I 'm lazy ) or have an armload of things to carry - like laundry , but the back wheels are dry - rotting . As a result , it leaves little pieces of rubber all over the house , and makes the ride bumpy . I try not to use it and use the crutches mostly , but sometimes when I 'm in the kitchen cooking , crutches really get in the way . I do walk around the center island a bit with only the assistance of holding onto the cabinets , when I only have to take a few steps . That 's real progress , because I couldn 't do that a week ago . Anyway , I called M . A . S . H last week to see if they could order me some new wheels , and he said he thought he could , but he has not called back . I ordered the wheelchair from QVC several years ago to transport Mom and Dad to and from places . It is in great shape and looks brand new , other than the back wheels , and they are just disintegrating . Yesterday the neighborhood geese paid us a visit . There are two of them that have these deformed wings that will not allow them to fly when the others go south for the winter . One of them stayed here last winter and the other one is a new one this year . I guess they 'll have each other to keep them company . In the video below you can see one of them coming forward on the left . Part of the wings just stick straight out . In our Bible study this week , one set of verses really spoke to me . Zechariah 9 : 16 - 17 The Message says , " And now here 's what I want you to do : Tell the truth , the whole truth , when you speak . Do the right thing by one another , both personally and in your courts . Don 't cook up plans to take unfair advantage of others . Don 't do or say what isn 't so . I hate all that stuff . Keep your lives simple and honest . " Degree of God . If everyone took these verses to heart , our whole nation would take a 180 - degree turn . This morning we awoke to a different feel in the air . What was that ? ? ? Could it be just a hint of fall ? ? ? It was great ! We were waiting for the mosquito man to come by to spray , so we can once again enjoy the outside . We had a particular company come last year , and it seemed to work well , but this year , whatever they were using just didn 't work . I had to call them back during one of the months , and the guy did come and respray without charging us , but it still didn 't work . When he did not come back or call this month , I was glad . I didn 't want to tell him that I didn 't want his services anymore . So I called another company . He came this morning about the time we were getting ready to leave . His method was completely different from the other guy . AND his fee was $ 15 cheaper ! We were pretty much gone the rest of the day , so tomorrow I 'm going to test it out on the backyard patio . We left about 10 : 30 to watch our grandson , Chris , play soccer . I had a birthday card and present to give to him . I don 't know when I 've seen a more perfect day ! ! The sky was blue , temperatures were in the 70s and there was a slight breeze - absolutely perfect ! ! It was nice to see the boys again . This week , I 've graduated to a tennis shoe with crutches . It 's still rather painful to take an actual step - to bend my foot , but I keep trying . I only wear the boot if I 'm out and know I 'll be doing a good bit of walking . It was fun ( and nerve - racking ) to watch the " Game of the Year ' - Alabama vs . Texas A & M this afternoon . We sure started slowly . . . . . . as we often do , and then had to place catch - up . But after we scored 35 unanswered points , they never caught us . We stayed 2 - 3 touch - downs ahead until right at the last when we won by 7 points . Whew ! I like it to be a game , but I like to stay comfortably ahead . I guess we showed " Johnny Football " tonight , and that 's what we wanted to do ( or at least I did ) . Now maybe the media will shut up a bit about him ! ! Our quarterback played one of his best games ( and he 's a really nice guy , ON and OFF the field ) . I spoke with Jeannine this week . They had purchased several pieces of furniture from Ikea . The price is right from there , but it comes in boxes , and you have to put it together . She told me , " If I call home wanting a divorce , don 't let me get it ! " : ) It came Thursday , and she had to work yesterday . She went to work with a migraine ( from all the weather fronts blowing through out there ) , and when she came home , a whole group of their friends had come over to the house earlier and helped Charles put all the furniture together . She was just overwhelmed ! ! That was so nice of them ! With this being 9 - 11 , we are all remembering . I hope we never forget . I was thinking today about Lori Preziose and her three children . They would be 14 , 20 , and 21 now . I often wonder if she has remarried , and how her children are doing . I wish I had not lost contact with her . I prayed for her and her family today . I went back and reread the article about the quilt I made for her . I hope it has brought her comfort through the years . Below is a picture of Mom and Dad in the summer of 1987 when they took a trip to see my sister who was living in New Jersey at the time . They visited New York City , and you can see the twin towers just to the right of Mom 's head . I love this picture . It was two years before I moved to Alabama , and about 8 years before they moved here . I like to remember them this way . They were so full of life and still got around so easily . They seemed so young then even though Dad was 73 and Mom 69 . If they could have just stayed that way forever . . . . . . but time does march on . It will be a glorious day when I 'm reunited with them ! I making some real progress in my walking . I 've gone from wearing the boot and hardly being able to put any weight on it , even with crutches , to being able to take some steps in it without the crutches . Yesterday I decided I would wear my tennis shoes on both feet and do my standing exercises with the shoes rather than the boot . Then I got to thinking that perhaps I should first learn to walk with the boot well without crutches before going to the tennis shoes . But , today , Robert , my physical therapist , told me to go ahead a wear a tennis shoe and use crutches until I feel comfortable going to one crutch and then none . He had a couple PT students with him today , so he took some extra time with me to teach them . He had me walk for 5 minutes in my sandals while they evaluated my gate . If I had known he was going to have me walk me like that , I would have brought the tennis shoes . Wearing the boot does not allow your foot to bend - only to get used to weight - bearing . So when I went to the sandal that I took along today ( or the tennis shoes yesterday ) , the discomfort was in the fore foot as I would bend my foot and put pressure on the ball of the foot . He explained to the students that was most likely because my foot had not been bending for so long and also due to the swelling I have yet . It feels much like the back part of the foot felt when I first started putting weight on it . So I 'm sure it will just take a little more time before the whole foot feels more comfortable . I just have to get on both feet soon , so I can get on with this pesky knee . He 's doing a lot of knee exercises with me to get me ready for that surgery . I 've walked so long with that knee bent that the ham strings are shortened , and I 've got to get those stretched out . I can tell when I 'm walking that the knee hurts about as much as the foot . If I 'm walking around the house with the boot and no crutches , I have to at least be near something that I can grab onto at any moment , because my knee just gives way without warning . I think the knee surgeryI was able to go to my quilt guild meeting on Monday . That was great to be among my quilt buddies again . The program was given by two of our local guild members who have authored a book on making hexagons by a different method than the traditional English piecing . It was quite interesting . The one thing I think I found the most interesting was that one of the ladies had her knee replaced at the end of July ! Here she was standing up there the whole time , and even stepped up and down from the raised platform . She said she had worked really hard on it , because she is going to quilt market in Houston in October , and knew she had to be up and going well by then . So that gave me encouragement ! This week someone posted a picture and recipe for funnel cakes . The first thing I thought of was the Kansas State Fair that I 'm missing this week and all the fun I could have had . I 'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that I couldn 't go this year when I had planned all along to do so . Here is the recipe : Funnel Cakes 1 egg , beaten 2 / 3 cup milk 1 tsp baking powder 1 ΒΌ cup all purpose flour or coconut flour to make gluten free . . . 2 Tbsp sugar ΒΌ tsp salt Oil for frying , enough to cover the bottom of the skillet Powdered sugar for topping Mix egg and milk . Sift dry ingredients and gradually add to milk mixture , beat until smooth . Preheat oil in fry pan to 375 degrees F . Pour batter into hot oil with a funnel with a Β½ " or ΒΎ " hole . Let batter drizzle into hot oil . Spiraling to create a circle . Cook about 1 minute , flip over , cooking both sides . Remove and drain on paper towels . Sprinkle with powdered sugar and top with fruit preserves while still warm . 39 . The fond memories of growing up with the Kansas State Fair - went every year , and as an adult went several times each year . I can close my eyes and smell the hamburgers and onions cooking on the midway . . . . . 45 . For God 's protection over me as I 've been learning to walk again . Sooooo thankful I 've not fallen , and I trust him to keep me from falling the rest of the time . Wednesday a dear friend from my Sunday school class took me to physical therapy . My usual guy , Robert , must have been busy because a lady put me through the paces . She wasn 't quite a vigorous with me as Robert , but she did add some exercises . I was able to ride the bike for 6 minutes without any problem . The part that I hate the most - the pressure and cold pack at the end - was not quite so bad today . They didn 't use the electrodes , and she set the pressure a little lower , so I stood it a lot better . Next time I need to bring a shoe for my other foot as I ride the bike . Thursday , I really needed to go to the credit union and I had to mail a small package at the UPS office . I didn 't want to ask anyone to take me , so I decided it was time for my " maiden voyage . " The first time in nearly three months ! ! I felt confident I could drive with a shoe on my right foot . So I got the boot on , which is a bit of a chore . It is large with 2 Velcro flaps and 5 large , long Velcro straps . I crutched to the car with my stuff , took off the boot , put on the shoe , drove to the credit union , took off the shoe , put on the boot , crutched in to do my business , crutched to the car , took off the boot , put on the shoe , drove to the UPS office , took off the shoes , put on the boot , crutched into the office to mail my package , crutched back to the car , took off the boot , and put on my shoe . I thought to myself , " While I 'm out , do I just want to get a bit of lunch ? " Naw ! Too much trouble ! So I drove home , took off the shoe , put the boot on and crutched into the house . Time for a nap ! ! But now I 'm no longer a prisoner in my home ! I feel like a bird set free ! ! ( Even if it is a major hassle ! ! ) Sometimes as I cut up a shirt , I wonder - who wore this shirt ? What did he look like ? Was he a husband ? Did he have children ? Since it was a nice white shirt , was he a banker , a preacher , a lawyer , or a school principal ? Was he a happy man ? Did he have fun in life ? You just wonder where all this shirt has been ! I 'm sure if it could talk , it would tell me a lot of interesting stories . Ever since I got my Bernina 830 LE and have been using the embroidery part of it , I 've been using different needles . In the past , I just used one kind of needle to do all my sewing , but now , sometimes , I need to change to an embroidery needle , or a ballpoint needle for knits , etc . This always poses a problem - what do you do with the needle you take out ? You need a place to put it until you need it again . The printing on it is so teeny tiny you have to have 3 magnifying glasses to read it . When I load a particular needle into the machine , there is a place to tell the machine what type you are using . So when you take out the needle , you can just look and see what kind it is . But if you just lay it down somewhere , you have no clue what kind it is the next time you pick it up . I don 't like putting it back into the original container , because you then don 't know which ones are used and which are new . SOOOO , this was my answer ! ! It is an in - the - hoop design . You layer the top fabric , a piece of cotton batting , and a mesh stabilizer in the jumbo hoop and stitch it out . You then take it out of the hoop , cutting 1 / 4 " around the outside line , cut out a backing , and bind . It takes about 45 minutes to stitch out . The binding probably takes the longest - and we quilters know how we all luuuv bindings . ( NOT ! ) I found the tutorial in an online Bernina magazine , " Thorough the Needle , " issue no . 9 . It gave step by step instructions for making the design using the Bernina software . BUT , I do not own that software ; I have the Floriani design program . If I had worked really hard I probably could have figured it out , and done it in my software , but I 'm not that efficient using it yet . Somewhere along the way , I found it already designed and available in a file in this large tri - fold size and a smaller single - fold size . I didn 't download the smaller size , because I knew I wanted the larger size . It came with a page of directions . Now I 'm racking my brain trying to remember where I got the completed design , and for the life of me , I caToday we went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast . As we were leaving we had to go around behind the building because there was a bus in our exit area . As we came from along side the building , I yelled at Guy , " SHE ' S NOT GOING TO STOP ! ! ! " He threw on the brakes as this lady came barreling through the parking lot in front of the restaurant , jammed around the corner in front of us , and NEVER so much as looked our way ! ! And we had the right - of - way ! Oh , boy , had I been driving , she would have GOT THE HORN ! ! I was going to give the " the eye " as we went by her to turn right , but she was digging in her purse and never looked up . ARGH ! It was awfully early for the crazies to be out ! ! I had another session of PT at 11 : 00 , and I drove myself . Robert was back . He put me through the paces and talked with me about some exercises that would strengthen my right leg and knee in preparation for my eventual knee surgery . They are so good there , and I really appreciated him getting me ready for the knee replacement so I 'd have a jump on getting my muscles in shape . I keep seeing news and FB posts about the Kansas State Fair that opened today . Guy told me a final " No " the other night on getting to Kansas in time for The Fair . * sniff * I know it would be a chore , but I so hoped we could make it this year . I guess it just wasn 't to be . I know we can plan to go next year , and I 'll hopefully be walking on my own , but , at our age , one never knows what will happen in a whole year 's time . Saturday was the LOOONG awaited day - SEC college football ! ! ! It seems to take so long to roll around each fall . Of course , we are huge Alabama fans ! I found the cutest applique embroidery pattern over the weekend from . I 'm going to put it on a shirt and , instead of monograming my initials , I 'm going to have RTR ( Roll Tide Roll ) coming out of the trunk . I 'll probably do the body of the elephant in black and white hounds tooth fabric . We watched football all day long . Guy wanted to go to Simmons Sporting Goods in Bessemer , so I tagged along , and then we ate lunch at Bright Star . That is where we started watching the first game . 12 hours later , I was a bit tired , but enjoyed the whole day - especially since our team won ! ! Sunday we enjoyed going to church . I could not wait to WALK into church ( with the help of crutches ) - something I had not done for 12 weeks . I 'm sure Guy was happy to not have to haul the wheelchair in and out of the car as well . It was nice to not have to worry about getting down the somewhat narrow aisles and stashing the wheelchair between the pews . I was actually able to stand a bit now and then for the singing . I 'm trying to walk more , using the crutches . I still cannot put full weight on my foot - just too tender . I 've got to build up the other leg and foot as well , because it gets tired really quickly . If I need to get around quickly or have to carry a bunch of stuff - like laundry , I 'll revert to my portable wheelchair . It sure is a lot easier using the wheelchair , so I have to force myself to walk with the crutches . I 'm faithfully doing my exercises the PT told me to do , but it sure is slow progress . I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO DRIVE ! ! ! I would have had two more in the light pile , but Guy latched onto them . They were his size and really nice shirts . I spent much of Saturday during the games cutting . Here is my stack at the end of the day . It really takes a good bit of time to cut up one shirt because I first take off the labels with a seam ripper . Some of these labels are really sewn on there well . If it is black , and if often is , it is hard to see the thread to stick your seam ripper under . Next I take off the little buttons if it is a button down collar . Next I take off the pocket with a seam ripper . Some come off easily and some not so easily . Once you get them started , it doesn 't take long , but that area at the top of the pocket which is sewn on so the pocket does not come loose , takes some time to get started without ripping a hole in the middle of the front panel . After that , I go to the collar , then the cuffs of the sleeves . I don 't remove individual buttons ( other than the ones that hold the button - down collar ) . I just cut the whole strip of the shirt with the buttons intact . I save that and cut a strip off the sleeve cuff to save those buttons , too . This way , if you have a shirt with a button missing , and you just can 't find one to match , you can replace all the buttons with a matching set saved from the ones you cut off . I stuff all the fabric with the buttons in old empty Puff 's tissue boxes - just because that 's what I had on hand . After that , I cut off the yoke , then the sleeves , removing all the seam allowances . Then I cut the fronts from the back . This will yield a good bit of fabric , especially if you can pick up mostly 2X - 3X . I just can 't decide how to cut the salvaged fabric . I know Bonnie Hunter has a plan for the sizes she cuts up , but I 'm not that organized , and I generally wait to cut until I know what pattern I want to use and the sizes needed . Just as sure as I cut them in 1 1 / 2 and 2 1 / 2 inch strips , I 'd need a 3 " square . It 's actually about as much fun cutting them up as it is to make a quilt with them . Today we took Annie to the vet to get her annual shots and exam . He said she was very healthy , but just a little on the top end of normal for weight . She is 17 . 1 lb and should be about 15 . So we 'll have to cut back just a bit on the food - or the treats . We started out giving her a treat whenever she went out and did her business , but now she just likes to go outside to play and thinks she needs a treat when she comes inside from that . It 's really hard to refuse her when she sits there so patiently , looking at you with those big brown eyes , anticipating the treat each time . I remember our last dog , Maggie , learned the go - outside - and - get - a - treat very quickly . She would beg to go outside , and immediately beg to get back inside so she could beg for a treat . They are smart little boogers ! 35 . Slightly cooler temperatures . It has been a really mild summer in the south . Out highest temperature has been 96 , and most days have been in the 80s to low 90s - just my kind of weather ! Last week my friend Tracy said they would be going shopping one day this week , and did I want to go ? Oh , YES ! I can 't tell you what that means to me , still not being able to drive and stuck home all week ! It gave me something to look forward to all week . She and daughter , Courtney , came by to get me yesterday afternoon . We took a trip to The Foundry . I had never been before but had heard of it . Their motto is " Where lives are shapped by the hand of God . " The Foundry is a Christian rescue mission and recovery center , and they have a superthrift outlet center that is the largest thrift store in Alabama . Their online site says , " What 's the secret to our success ? Quality products , low prices and attentive customer service . " I 've been to thrift stores before and usually find them very crowded and rather dirty . Not this place ! It was very clean , and the workers were very friendly and personable . You seldom find that in any store any more . It was really a pleasant shopping experience . I was in my wheelchair since I can 't yet stand for long periods of time , and it was easy to get down the nice wide aisles . I found the prices to be less than the Alabama Thrift Store , too . I went straight to the large men 's shirts . Where most of the shirts at the ATS are $ 2 . 99 and $ 3 . 99 and up , here most of them were $ 1 . 99 and $ 2 . 99 and up . I found a few for $ . 99 and some of * them * were even on sale . One I got for $ . 40 and another for $ . 74 ! I got all the bags below , and only paid $ 2 . 99 for one shirt . It was a 5X , so I splurged for that one since it had so much fabric in it . The rest were $ . 99 and $ 1 . 99 . HOWEVER , tonight as I pulled them all out of the bag to wash , I took a look at the receipt and noticed the first shirt listed was $ 6 . 99 ! ! What ? ? ? I couldn 't believe that . I just knew they had to have made a mistake . There was no way I 'd pay that much for any shirt . I went back through all the tags I 'd just thrown into the trash , and sure enough - there was a tag for $ 6 . 99 ! ! And I have no idea which shirt it even was . So all my careful sleuthing for bargains just went out the window paying that much for one shirt . When I checked out , I noticed the amount was more than it I thought it was going to be , but just figured I got a few more than I thought I had . Oh , well . I 'll have to be more careful next time . Any way , it was fun and I came home with a lot of cotton fabric . Cutting them up will keep me busy for several evenings . That was the fun part . . . . . . today was the not so fun part . It was my first physical therapy visit . Those people are so nice at Therapy South . It was all great right up to the last part where they put the electrodes on my foot and then put this wrap on it . The wrap got VERY cold and VERY tight . When he took it off , I could then see what was so uncomfortable . The little plastic pieces that hook to the electrodes were nearly embedded into the swollen part of my ankle . I hope next time they can somehow put those little plastic pieces on the outside of the wrap . I remember when I was going to PT back in November , the cold therapy at the end was just the worst ! I told Robert about my knee , and how I really needed it replaced . He agreed that I better get it done before the end of the year . He said he if I would work really hard on the foot exercises at home , I could come twice a week rather than 3 times , and that would save enough visits for me to come back after the knee surgery since Medicare only pays for X - number of days of PT in one year . I 'm really hoping I can get this done . I 'll bet the surgery schedules will explode during December with everyone trying to get their surgeries done . I better get mine scheduled way ahead of time . Robert is going to give me names of good knee doctors since I forgot to ask my doctor who he would recommend . Today , for the first time in a long time , I ventured out with my walker and boot into our screened - in porch . The fresh air felt so good . The weather has actually been pretty nice this week - little lower humidity . I sat in my favorite place - my porch swing . After retiring , I spent most spring and fall mornings out here , because it is just so peaceful . In previous years , Guy has aways put out hummingbird feeders right at this corner of the porch , and that has been so much fun to watch . But this year , for some reason , he just didn 't want to keep up with them . I 've seen a few , through the kitchen door occasionally , come around that hibiscus plant you can see there at the corner , which at the current time has no blooms on it . This morning I was finally able to get a shower and scrub that nasty leg and of mine . MAN , did that feel good ! When I got out and dried it off , I rolled enough dead skin off that thing , you would have thought someone had crawled into my trash can and died ! And there is still lots to go , but that is for another time . I lotioned it all up , and let it dry a bit before having to put on the support stocking . Whew ! That took a good bit of effort - made me break out in a sweat ! But I got it and got all the straps fastened on the boot , and I was ready for the day . It would sure be a lot easier to just reach for the wheelchair each time I have to get up to do anything . In some ways it is a lot easier , and certainly a lot faster . But I 'm forcing myself to use the walker or crutches . I 'm trying to figure out what I can use and get the most natural gait with . Believe it or not , it takes a good bit of concentration to walk as naturally as possible . I can 't put a lot of weight on that foot yet . I started out with Mom and Dad 's old walker . While it does have wheels on the front , with all the throw rugs we have in the house , you do have to pick it up a lot or the tennis balls on the back roll up the rugs . I can 't seem to get much of a natural gait going with it . So I asked Guy to get out another walker I had bought Mom - a Rollator . This seems to work better , and I can sit on the seat when I 'm wearing out - and it doesn 't take much ! Wow , I have so little stamina right now . Discouraging . . . . . I had high hopes of being able to use that rolling knee walker , but my knee just would not tolerate it for long . With its wide turning radius , it was difficult to maneuver easily in the kitchen . I hope I can sell it . The wheelchair is rented , so it will go back soon . I have a portable wheelchair stored upstairs , that I bought for Mom , but someone either has to push you , or you have to maneuver about using your legs , because the wheels are small . You can 't use your hands to propel yourself . I 've tried using the crutches a little more now , since getting on my feet . It seems that they might be the best to use since I seem to have the most natural gait with them . I just feel a little safer and more stable with the walker . Those crutches also were Mom and Dad 's . I knew that keeping all their equipment just might come in handy someday - and I was right ! Today was my much anticipated day . I had my orthopedic doctor 's appointment at 9 : 00 . All week I 've been dreaming about what it was going to be like out of this cast and in a boot . And then I would catch myself and say , " No , don 't get your hopes up . It just may not occur . You have to be prepared in case you come home with a cast . " So it has been a roller coaster week of emotions for me . As I was sitting in the waiting room , I found myself starting to get anxious . I checked FB , several times , just to pass the time and try not to think about it . FINALLY , they called me back . A man came into to remove the cast . It is such a weird feeling when that cast comes off . You feel like your leg is going to fall apart . The first thing I did was set about trying to remove some of that dead skin and scratch the itch ! He told me " those wipes there are to use on the leg when the cast comes off . " So after he left the room , I set about wiping and wiping . That didn 't remove much dead skin , so I opened another container and sneaked out some gauze . That was a little rougher , and did a better job . You just can 't imagine how good it feels to scratch / rub a leg that 's been in a cast for 10 weeks ! ! Every inch of your skin itches . I felt around on the bottom of my foot , and the only place that was fairly tender was right in the pad of the heel . That made me wonder how it was going to feel when I started walking on it . I noticed that the right leg has shrunk , too You can see how much more swollen one is , too . I wonder if there is any hope for this heel . It seemed forever before they took me to x - ray . Shortly after I got back to my room , a lady doctor came in and introduced herself to me - can 't remember her name , but she gave me the good news ! It was healing well , and someone would be in shortly to put on my boot . WOOOO HOOOO ! ! It was really happening ! ! ! ! No . more . cast ! ! ! ! I was having such a hard time containing myself , it was really hard to hear anything else she was saying . I asked her about physical therapy , and she said I wouldn 't really need it . She said not to worry about all this dead skin and not to try to take it all off at once , because it could cause an infection . In about a week of showering and applying lotion , it should a come off . And then she left ! Then Dr . Krauss came in . He said it was doing well , and I would be in the boot for three weeks . If at the end of 2 , I was doing well , I could go into a tennis shoe . He told me I should begin PT right away . I told him what the other doctor had said , and he said , " No , I want you to have PT . You 'll just recover faster if you do . " Then he said , " When you go to PT , make sure they only move your foot up and down , not rolling side to side . If they start to move to wrongly , you tell them to STOP and call me ! " He was very emphatic about that ! I assured him , I 'd follow those directions . He said to come back to see him in 3 weeks . I told him that we might be going to Kansas for an extended time , and he said that was OK ; I could do PT there . I was to not walk without the boot for these 3 weeks . I can shower and sleep without the boot . That will be so freeing to turn over in the night without lugging that cast over the pillow between by knees . He moved my foot up and down , and pushed here and there . It was kind of tender along the outside of the foot but he said everything looked good . Shortly after that , the cast man came in with this big black boot , putting all the many straps together . He said that I was to wear this white support stocking during the day , putting it on first thing in the morning , to keep the swelling down . There was an extra sock so I could wear one and wash one . He then showed me the best way to get the stocking on . It is hardest to get over the heel . I was kind of afraid it was going to hurt , but he seemed to put it on so easily . I 've worn support hose before , but they were very heavy and very tight , so maybe these won 't be as hard to get on . He asked me if Dr . Krauss had told me I could not drive . I told him , " No . I thought maybe I would be able to drive with my left foot . " He said , " It doesn 't matter what foot you use . If you drive with a boot on and have a car accident , your insurance is no good . " YIKES ! I did not know that ! ! Here I was planning to drive to my PT appointments . Now , that complicated matters . Well , that 's just something I 'll have to work out . He got the boot on and told me I should just go back to the wheelchair here in the office and wait to try it all out when I got home in familiar territory . I went to the front office to make my appointment and pick up the prescription for PT , and then we took off . Leisa was nearly as happy for me as I was . She 's been in my position with a broken foot before . As we started to leave the parking deck , I suddenly remember a very important question I was going to ask Dr . Krauss - if your wife needed to have her knee replaced , who would you send her to ? RATS ! I really wanted to ask him that ! I was just so excited to get rid of the cast , everything else went out the window ! I must remember to ask him when I go back . As Leisa dropped me off at my house , she said to call her for help getting to PT ; she would be happy to help . I told her that between her and my neighbor , we could probably work it out . My neighbor , Angie , has repeated told me that she would help get me to PT . Angie works at a preschool Tuesdays and Thursdays , so I called to ask her what hours would be best for her on Mondays or Wednesdays . She seemed just tickled to help . Maybe if Leisa can take me one day , and Angie can take me the other day , then Guy can take me on Fridays . I have to go 3 times a week for 4 weeks . I then called Therapy South , where I went before with my foot , and they are going to try to get me started on Friday . She said she would have to move some around and would let me know . If I didn 't get started Friday , I could start on Monday . I would like to get as many times in here as possible if we do go to Kansas . It will all depend on how I get along . After I got in the house , I got Mom and Dad 's walker that I had , and tried my new wings . It was not all that easy ! I can see that I 'll definitely need the assistance of the walker for awhile . It 's fairly tender along the outside of my foot , and that is the part that I 'm walking on since I no longer walk on a ( flattened ) arch . The other issue is my knee ! I can 't walk with it straightened out , and I found that it was subject to buckle on me at any moment . If only . . . . . if only . . . . . . my knee was OK . Oh , well , I just have to deal with it . I found I had to resort to my wheelchair while getting supper since I can 't stand for very long yet . But it feels so much more stable standing when I have both feet on the ground ! Just very thankful for this day ! 27 . Safety and protection over my grandsons during their soccer games . One of Dylan 's teammates , right in front of Dylan , went down going after a ball and suffered a compound fracture of his leg - 2 plates and pins . Praying for this youngster - and his dad who was sitting right next to Mark . I was born and raised in Kansas . I lived there my first 40 years , then moved to Alabama for 26 + years before retiring and moving back home to Kansas . I taught maternity nursing for over 37 years , retiring June 1 , 2011 . My passion is quilting and , of course , my grandchildren . |
A new medication for sleeping has done wonders for me . Instead of needing and getting 12 to 14 hours of sleep almost every day , I now get up after only 7 hours and feel pretty perky . All my other meds are the same and seem to be working really well for the most part . I think the weather helps too . I 'm not isolating myself so much as I was a few short weeks ago . I love my yard ; the sun sucks all the dreary winter from my body and brings the summer into my soul . We found a cute baby kitty that we were going to adopt and kept him in the house with us for a few days until we could get him to the Humane Society to have him checked out and neutered . He got out just before one of the most weirdest storms I 've ever been through happened . Snow with lightning and high damaging winds . Then he never came back . I still grieve for him . He was so lovable and sweet . The end of May marked the first anniversary of the death of my dad . I still have the image of him taking his last breath as my sister and I clutched his hands , crying , and telling him to go . It was okay to go . I should have left right away so I wouldn 't have had to see his empty , thin body lying there . I can 't forget it . I still remember my mom as she looked after her death too . I dream of them so much . His birthday was 2 days after his death as well . It was hard this year as I 'm sure it will be every year . It 's funny when I dream of my dad because , in my dreams , apparently his death was all a big mistake and he isn 't really dead and is still alive . What makes it better , though , is in between the anniversary of my dad 's death and his birthday my youngest granddaughter had her first birthday . I remember the joy I felt when she was born in spite of the sad , dark time of a year ago . This year was no different , really . She is cute as can be and I love both of my grandgirls to bits . Such bright and wonderful children who give me so much joy . My daughter turned 18 in March and is almost 30 . Yeah . But she 's really doing great . Doing fantastic in school , winning 2 awards and made the honour roll ! So proud of that girl . I also met a man . I decided to give up on the " bad boys " after reading several articles written by nice men who never seem to get a chance . I also read some blog posts and comments from them where women have been stuck with the bad boys just like I was . And they just didn 't get it either . So β¦ I 'm giving one a chance . It 's only been a few weeks but holy moly β¦ wow . He treats me like a queen , takes me for dinners , lunches and breakfasts . He lent me his truck for 4 days ( which my kids thought was really weird ) . I have had to stop him from spending so much money on me . If he had his way he would lavish me with gifts . He wants to find me a car . He wants to buy me clothes . I said no . I keep saying no . He really wants me to be happy and expects a commitment in the future . THAT I 've never heard before . It 's been all disconcerting as I have not met anyone like him . He loves how I look . He 's beyond eager to meet my kids . He wants to be with me all the time and I had to tell him I needed space to breathe and learn about myself in this new role . It was a battle at first , only because of his own insecurities I think . I notice he really doesn 't have that many of those so far . He lives out - of - town on a beautiful 4 acre lot with an apple orchard and all the toys near a beautiful lake . I 've stayed there a few times and love the privacy , the birds and the sun on beautiful days . I had a surprise graduation party for my son , his wife and my daughter on Sunday because they are all graduating . My son got his GED back in the fall , my daughter - in - law went to night school to finish her high school and , of course , my daughter graduates high school in June . My fella paid for all the food and drove me around everywhere to find supplies and presents . He wanted to come to the party to do the cooking but I held him off as we had only been together for such a short time . I just felt it was too soon . He smiles all the time . And that 's important to me . We like and love so many of the same things and every time we discover something new it 's such a surprise . He wants to make sure I 'm not stuck inside and plans outings all the time . He missed me yesterday and drove the hour drive and showed up at 4 in the afternoon with Chinese food for supper . To think I was fighting this . Neither of us could really understand my reasoning . I do though , of course . All those failed relationships , all the heartache and all the work invested and lessons learned . He doesn 't want me to lump him into the same category as those guys . He 's assured me he 's different . I 'm starting to believe it . His health isn 't very good at this time but we both hope for improvements . I MOVED ! My daughter and I finally got a call from low - income housing and we moved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February . It 's been all renovated with new everything . The bathtub is even slippery and doesn 't scratch my bottom . hee hee . Unfortunately I did re - injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again . I still can 't go for my walks or stand for too long . I 'm pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows . Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind . I just feel exhausted all the time . I could sleep all day but make myself get up . It 's late in the day but I 'm up before Carly is home from school . I 've seen my granddaughters more . Such joy they give me . I have one video of the 2 - year - old in my lift chair saying " this is awesome " over and over while I worked the controls . She says it in her very grownup 2 - year - old voice . I play it every day . It really helps . My daughter 's 18th birthday is in 10 days . My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo . I can 't believe my baby is 18 . I realized last night , while I was feeling my lowest , that I 've been waiting for something . I don 't know what it is but I figure it 's time to stop waiting . Thinking back I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing . A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man 's part . So it 's not done yet . But it feels like it 's getting closer . It 's been 5 years since I left him . I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and tears . On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone ( I finally figured it out ) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost . When I left my worker , I felt better . On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing " Hey Jude " live . I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back . Na na na naaaa . I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me ( young , in his 20 's ) asked me what I was listening to . I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about ( ! ) so I started it again for him to hear . It 's a long song but he listened to it all . Finally , I feel I have the ability to write again , both electronically and emotionally . Well , I still don 't know about the emotional part . Its been a very emotion - filled few weeks , with many ups and even more downs . My laptop may overheat but I will write with breaks so it can cool down . I was always waiting for something . Exterminators because we had bedbugs . It took the landlord 2 months to get them here so poor Carly and I would go to bed each night so the critters could feast upon our milky flesh . All the info we read from the government and exterminator 's websites recommended you don 't sleep on the couch or they will find you . Where . Ever . You . Go . So I couldn 't sleep . I would stay awake until the sun came up , killing any that crawled on me and put them in a jar of bleach and laugh manically as they dissolved before my eyes ( I bet you didn 't know how sadistic I can be ) . During the day I would pick though my daughter 's bed , trying to decrease her discomfort . She would still have new bites every few days . During this 2 month time we were banned from seeing my grandchildren as my son has an almost supersized fear of the bugs and he did not want to risk any transfer from us . Ditto for the boyfriend . I maybe saw him 4 times in that 2 months and that was to go to movies . I was so relieved when we were finally sprayed at the beginning of December . My oldest granddaughter was overjoyed when I walked though their door . The hugs ! Hugs beat the bedbug blues every time ! Unfortunately the bugs seemed to be the beginning of the end for the boyfriend . He called less and less and I saw him very infrequently . We seemed to have a plan to go to Cuba though , where I hoped some alone time would help . Over the holidays , he just stopped calling except for a text telling me Happy New year and don 't be mad , I 'm going to Cuba with my friend . That was almost 2 weeks ago and not a word since . I knew this was a man who has lived with a very traumatic past and this is the worst time of year for him . It took me a while to realize that he could not be ready for a relationship . He needs to find his own self before he could ever trust his life won 't be ripped apart again . I , of course , have had my own traumatic past . The difference is I have both professional and familial support . He chooses to have a different way of handling his feelings . I 'm afraid it ended with me having a broken heart because of the silence . Or maybe I 'm giving him too much credit and he really is just a jerk . I don 't believe that though . I do know , really , it 's for the best because , unless there is help in his life , my heart would never heal and would keep going through these unresolved issues he carries . I think I might be stronger in some ways . Unfortunately , I 've now developed some trust issues of my own . My self - esteem is even more damaged than before . Who would want me ? I don 't feel attractive physically or emotionally / mentally . What a mess . There was one day that I slept away . 22 hours . That was when I knew I had to try to do something but everything was pretty dark for me . For those who survive depression hopefully knows everyone feels it differently ; it 's never a contest , like " I have more reasons to be depressed than you do " kind of thing . No . What I feel is physical ( heavy like an elephant ) and mentally ( my brain is a foggy bog of poo ) . It 's how to get out of it is the challenge . Sleeping 22 hours may not seem like a healthy way to do it but that was all I could do that day . The next day was less , more like 14 hours . Then it was 12 . I can handle 12 . I did the dishes . I tried to go grocery shopping . Then suddenly I had stuff to do and had to get out of bed to do them so my going to bed at 7 am was not going to work anymore . I seem to have developed a fairly normal schedule . How I felt is so hard to explain . I wish I had the words to tell you how dark my world was . My dreams were where I wanted to be . I couldn 't wait to dream because what happened in them was so much more exciting and meaningful than what my life was . My bi - polar dreams have always been vivid but never so much as during this time . My awake - time flashbacks from the dreams would leave me quite confused . Once , on the rare occasion I did go out , I was very nearly hit by a bus and leapt 3 feet in the air as the driver laid on the horn , inches from my hip , waking me from my musings . I thought no one would care anyway . Of course I know now that is not and never been true . I have my peeps who love me and always will . Before Christmas , I was on the bus after seeing my mental health worker and just broke down . I was crying in public . No one did anything except for the lady beside me who handed me a used tissue . I sat there with tears streaming down my face , suffering in silence . Which is what most people do . All this was not necessarily because of a man . I was on my way to my darkness partly due to the isolation I was in and the feeling of not being wanted anywhere because of the blasted bugs . I was just so sad and lonely and alone . I missed my Dad so much over Christmas . His joy was like a child 's when he opened gifts . His place was empty at the table where we would squeeze his walker in . I did have a wonderful day with my family though . We all felt his presence there , especially when , for no explicable reason , glassware started falling out of the cupboard and breaking on the ceramic floor at my sister 's . I was making the banana cream pie at the moment , which was his favourite dessert . I had to stir and stir the homemade pudding for at about 45 minutes so it wouldn 't burn . Maybe Dad thought I wasn 't doing it right but I kept right on stirring during all the crashing and sweeping and didn 't burn the pudding at all . One of the best we ever made . He was keeping me on my toes I guess . Carly and I got wonderful news the other day . We now have a townhouse we 're moving to through public housing . Instead of paying rent I cannot afford it will be covered by the benefits I receive from Disability . This is a huge financial relief for me . I have lots to look forward to . I will get to purge yet again . The crap that weighs me down . Crap that I hang on to . Crap I can let go . And it ain 't just because of the packing . Hi Everyone ! I won 't be able to post for a while as my laptop turned to a lump of metal my cat likes to lay on . It just takes too long for me to type with just one thumb on my phone . This will be a short one . I 've been totally isolating myself for reasons beyond my control . My sleep is terrible ; it 's now after 6 in the morning and I 'm still awake although I think my eyes might have some sandman sprinkles finally happening . Anyway . I want to get the hell out of here later in the day and hope to visit my fella who is recovering from surgery . I 'll attempt to write again soon . Have patience with me . Thanks I must tell you all , right off the bat , that I know I haven 't written anything for several weeks . I really feel bad about it because I know it helps me get through a lot . I 've put my volunteer work on hold for this month because of the extreme anxiety I 'm feeling about my health and the crazy developments with my father 's estate and , as such , the state of my family life . The stresses have really gotten to me where I am , once again , staying away from the outside world most of the time and hiding in my online games . So boring I know . I do go to my appointments and have made more effort into cooking some meals the last few days than relying on junk food . It helps that Carly is home to eat . After messing up the last 2 appointments booked with my new mental health worker we finally met each other for the second time . It all went well until she asked me how my typical day goes . I was quite embarrassed about it until I remembered that I do get up early twice a week for when my granddaughter comes over for the day . ( So fun to be with her β¦ two years old and so cute and full of goof ) . She asked me what my stresses are and I told her about the above mentioned in more detail . It was a pretty substantial list but mostly I have such fast and negative thoughts . Then I was to go over the positive things in my life which were fewer but still easy to come up with ; kids , boyfriend , and my finances are a little better . I was also to tell her about what I do to help the with stress . Again the list was small but at the end of the meeting she said that column would eventually be full and she could see how low my self - worth and self - esteem were and she has the tools to work on those negative thoughts . It 's been mind - numbing during the day and my sleep is filled with monsters and fear . Restful sleep is really not a part of my nights . It 's mostly 3 or 4 in the morning when my brain will finally shut down and my eyes slam shut for anywhere from 5 to 12 hours of sleep . I slept a day away a few weeks ago with a total of 19 hours . Crazy . My fella and I were finally getting to have some time together and were going out for supper except I kinda and sorta forgot about the going out part only because it was later than I thought we would be going . He called and said he was here and I had just got out of the shower and was dripping wet , naked and just figured , no problem , I 'll just throw something on and let him into my building like I usually do . I went to the front door , where he usually waits , then the back door but no fella . I was quite confused . I called him and asked him where the heck was he and he said at the front in the # 1 parking space . So , after wandering around the hallway in my nightie for another couple of minutes it dawned on me about the going out part . What to wear ? I felt all hot and sweaty after all that running around so I put on a tank top and jeans and put hair products in my very wet hair and ran out the door . He asked me if I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant but I told him I wasn 't really dressed for one ( that 's for sure ! ) so he suggested a favourite pizza joint we both like . It was very crowded and we were waiting for a table when I noticed someone eating at a table nearby who doesn 't like me too much and the feelings are quite mutual . I hid behind my fella after warning him . He was worried about a cat fight or me being so uncomfortable that we should go . I told him not to worry , I have big ovaries and can take it but could he please buy me a glass of wine tonight ? Absolutely , he said . So all the tables were full except for one right beside this person and a whole bunch of reserved ones . The owner of the restaurant told us to sit in the reserved section for now until a booth became available . " Don 't you guys leave , " she said . Whew . We sat in the reserved section ( getting the stinky eye from THAT table ) until a group of volleyball players started to arrive . It was then I noticed how hot my feet were as I listened to my fella regale me with his own restaurant stories . I tried to remember which shoes I put on when , to my horror , I looked down at my feet and saw β¦ . My fella had me howling with laughter when I confessed to my slipper shuffle . He does that all the time . He said he was going to get me a hospital gown to go with my slippers for next time we go out so I can really look the part . It was then I remembered what I told my worker about the fear I had that people looked at me funny and man β¦ I was laughing so hard . We both were . I had to put a little extra shuffle in my step for the rest of the night and the code word was " slippers " to make me start laughing all over again . Supper was great . At the end when my fella was paying the bill I asked the owner how her trip to Greece went . She told us that she went there to find all her old boyfriends so she could fuck them since she was too young to do that when she lived there as a young girl . She didn 't find any . It was great to get out . It did me a world of good . I 'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving with my sister 's family and my group . There we were , two of the most anxious females I know , going to a strange city by Greyhound . Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea ? Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together . My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there . Then my mind started racing with questions . What do we do ? Where do we go ? We started off doing what we thought was the right thing . We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy ( who turned out to be our driver ) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do ? He looked at our tickets and , very kindly , told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6 : 45 . We found seats nearby and waited impatiently . It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios ( What if we don 't sit together ? Why did I have to read about Tim McLean ? What if people smell bad ? ) then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up . We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on our luggage . Now , remember , we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags . We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them . There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty . One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry - on 's and the bag that weighs 100 lbs . is free . That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued . We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry - on with me . By this time there was no line at security . The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton . The first half hour I smelled vomit . The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too . As were his farts . Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol . Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom . Good for them for being so clean . At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business . The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly 's backpack was directly in its path . Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit . She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside , now reeking of and dripping with coffee . The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper . Then there wasn 't any TP for the bathroom . Finally the driver found some . Whew . My legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous . I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop . My feet hurt so much throughout the trip . The swelling never really went away . When we got there , after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep , we still went shopping . I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest . I had to buy a sweater because it wasn 't summer in Edmonton . Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops . I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $ 10 . Carly must have spent over $ 300 the first day . Her money not mine . I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm . I loved the pillows . Our hotel was nicer than I expected . I used booking . com and found a pretty good deal . I give it 3 - 4 stars . We hit so many stores . There were so many people , especially on Saturday . It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers . Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned . I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday . My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed . It was one of the first things I did when I woke up . Open it I mean . Lo and behold it had money in it ! With more strict orders ( he seems to be a little bossy ) to spend it frivolously on myself . So I bought Body Shop stuff , which I never buy because it 's too expensive . Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in . Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday . She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air - conditioned bus . She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares . Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out . She was so patient with me and my sore feet , as long as she knew where I was . Thank goodness for texting and cell phones . I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg , besides the mall . The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming . We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall . Everybody goes really fast there too . Cars and people . Some of the fashions I saw I haven 't seen here , at least not yet . AND I didn 't see one butt crack when people were sitting down . In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court , on the bus or even just walking around . I didn 't see one and that made me happy . Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg . For one thing there was absolutely no security check done . This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads . No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare . For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter , depending on her mood . At least I had to listen , Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out . The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible . When she did stop another would start . There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5 . One mom had 4 . Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming . This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing . We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said . There weren 't that many , it was pretty full . The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last - minute and to be patient . No problem . Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman , maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids , ranging in age from 8 to 18 months , all holding something ; pillows , blankets , books , bags of food . They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around . The dad then ran off the bus , yelling " love you kids ! " and he was a blur going back into the depot . The little family was in the back and we didn 't hear a peep out of them . We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me . They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid . All the while , their mother was calm , laughing along with them , getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again . She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other ; the same . She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy . I told her , " My dad used to say , It 's better than crying " . She laughed more . I could hear a little hysteria in it though . She was so great . She would crouch on the floor with them , rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes . How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind . ( Carly hates my people watching . She thinks I 'm nosy . What the heck else would I write about if I didn 't watch other people and what makes them do what they do ? ) Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry . The dad did nothing ; he just looked mad . I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip . By the time we got home , I wanted to kiss the ground . We had a delay before we left Alberta . A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus , taking smoke breaks with them , etc . These young men always smelled like pot ( SECURITY ! ) . Anyway , we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women ( who also smoked ) with some concern about how she was swelling up . I wanted to show her my own feet but didn 't dare scare her . We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver . He turned around and took her to the hospital . According to the guys she hung with , she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn 't react well with her . We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere , hopefully in good care . I totally had a good time although in pain . Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend . I 'm pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it . I had to be a good mom to Carly , who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day - mares . Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn 't give up , even when he saw me later and practically chased me . I handled it . I did good . It 's taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I 'm just about there . I 'm still not sure about social situations though . This was very impersonal as I didn 't have to interact with many people . Just doing this trip and knowing , even if I am anxious about it , I can breathe through it and continue on . I don 't know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here . Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time . We kept it simple ; using cabs to get to the mall and back . We didn 't do any sightseeing at all . The fear of getting lost is still too strong . I 'm about to test the strengths I 've learned these last few weeks / months / years . I 've planned a great adventure with my daughter which is totally out of my comfort zone . One that will include a Greyhound bus full of strangers , bad food and poor sleep . And then β¦ We will be shopping pretty much non - stop for 3 days then head home again . Well , the girl will be shopping with her money , I will be the one behind her carrying her many purchases and stressing over how to save a nickel ( could we have popcorn for supper ? I really don 't want those shoes . Yes I do . No I don 't . ) . Does this trip fill me with anxiety ? Oh yes , you bet it does . As a matter of fact today I had to drive to the airport where the bus depot is to purchase tickets and I felt so much panic as soon as I couldn 't see downtown anymore . Will I get lost ? Will my bank card not work ? Maybe I don 't have any money . Will my heart decide to stop beating ? Will there be an accident while I 'm driving my son 's van ? Watch out for that old lady ! ! ! ! The original plan was for me to rent a car to get to Edmonton . This wouldn 't work out because I don 't have a credit card and also because I would have to sell my body 541 , 000 times just to get the $ 1 , 000 I would need . So Greyhound it is . I 'm relieved I 'm not driving the 15 hour trip . I would really be scared of getting lost among other things too many to list here . I 've watched way too many movies where a car breaks down and weird - looking strangers make sure the passengers are never seen again . The mom always gets killed first . The huge , incredible " mall " . This is bigger than anything in my city . There aren 't just stores ; there are amusement parks and restaurants and lots and lots of people . Lots of them . I want to do this though because this is the last year my last child is a child . Next summer she will be an adult and making her own trips with her friends . This way I get her all to myself for a few days with no computer in my face . I 'm really looking forward to it in spite of the gnawing in my stomach . After all , I made it out of the bus station with a few wrong turns on the way back but made it home , unscathed , just the same . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
A new medication for sleeping has done wonders for me . Instead of needing and getting 12 to 14 hours of sleep almost every day , I now get up after only 7 hours and feel pretty perky . All my other meds are the same and seem to be working really well for the most part . I think the weather helps too . I 'm not isolating myself so much as I was a few short weeks ago . I love my yard ; the sun sucks all the dreary winter from my body and brings the summer into my soul . We found a cute baby kitty that we were going to adopt and kept him in the house with us for a few days until we could get him to the Humane Society to have him checked out and neutered . He got out just before one of the most weirdest storms I 've ever been through happened . Snow with lightning and high damaging winds . Then he never came back . I still grieve for him . He was so lovable and sweet . The end of May marked the first anniversary of the death of my dad . I still have the image of him taking his last breath as my sister and I clutched his hands , crying , and telling him to go . It was okay to go . I should have left right away so I wouldn 't have had to see his empty , thin body lying there . I can 't forget it . I still remember my mom as she looked after her death too . I dream of them so much . His birthday was 2 days after his death as well . It was hard this year as I 'm sure it will be every year . It 's funny when I dream of my dad because , in my dreams , apparently his death was all a big mistake and he isn 't really dead and is still alive . What makes it better , though , is in between the anniversary of my dad 's death and his birthday my youngest granddaughter had her first birthday . I remember the joy I felt when she was born in spite of the sad , dark time of a year ago . This year was no different , really . She is cute as can be and I love both of my grandgirls to bits . Such bright and wonderful children who give me so much joy . My daughter turned 18 in March and is almost 30 . Yeah . But she 's really doing great . Doing fantastic in school , winning 2 awards and made the honour roll ! So proud of that girl . I also met a man . I decided to give up on the " bad boys " after reading several articles written by nice men who never seem to get a chance . I also read some blog posts and comments from them where women have been stuck with the bad boys just like I was . And they just didn 't get it either . So β¦ I 'm giving one a chance . It 's only been a few weeks but holy moly β¦ wow . He treats me like a queen , takes me for dinners , lunches and breakfasts . He lent me his truck for 4 days ( which my kids thought was really weird ) . I have had to stop him from spending so much money on me . If he had his way he would lavish me with gifts . He wants to find me a car . He wants to buy me clothes . I said no . I keep saying no . He really wants me to be happy and expects a commitment in the future . THAT I 've never heard before . It 's been all disconcerting as I have not met anyone like him . He loves how I look . He 's beyond eager to meet my kids . He wants to be with me all the time and I had to tell him I needed space to breathe and learn about myself in this new role . It was a battle at first , only because of his own insecurities I think . I notice he really doesn 't have that many of those so far . He lives out - of - town on a beautiful 4 acre lot with an apple orchard and all the toys near a beautiful lake . I 've stayed there a few times and love the privacy , the birds and the sun on beautiful days . I had a surprise graduation party for my son , his wife and my daughter on Sunday because they are all graduating . My son got his GED back in the fall , my daughter - in - law went to night school to finish her high school and , of course , my daughter graduates high school in June . My fella paid for all the food and drove me around everywhere to find supplies and presents . He wanted to come to the party to do the cooking but I held him off as we had only been together for such a short time . I just felt it was too soon . He smiles all the time . And that 's important to me . We like and love so many of the same things and every time we discover something new it 's such a surprise . He wants to make sure I 'm not stuck inside and plans outings all the time . He missed me yesterday and drove the hour drive and showed up at 4 in the afternoon with Chinese food for supper . To think I was fighting this . Neither of us could really understand my reasoning . I do though , of course . All those failed relationships , all the heartache and all the work invested and lessons learned . He doesn 't want me to lump him into the same category as those guys . He 's assured me he 's different . I 'm starting to believe it . His health isn 't very good at this time but we both hope for improvements . I MOVED ! My daughter and I finally got a call from low - income housing and we moved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February . It 's been all renovated with new everything . The bathtub is even slippery and doesn 't scratch my bottom . hee hee . Unfortunately I did re - injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again . I still can 't go for my walks or stand for too long . I 'm pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows . Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind . I just feel exhausted all the time . I could sleep all day but make myself get up . It 's late in the day but I 'm up before Carly is home from school . I 've seen my granddaughters more . Such joy they give me . I have one video of the 2 - year - old in my lift chair saying " this is awesome " over and over while I worked the controls . She says it in her very grownup 2 - year - old voice . I play it every day . It really helps . My daughter 's 18th birthday is in 10 days . My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo . I can 't believe my baby is 18 . I realized last night , while I was feeling my lowest , that I 've been waiting for something . I don 't know what it is but I figure it 's time to stop waiting . Thinking back I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing . A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man 's part . So it 's not done yet . But it feels like it 's getting closer . It 's been 5 years since I left him . I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and tears . On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone ( I finally figured it out ) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost . When I left my worker , I felt better . On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing " Hey Jude " live . I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back . Na na na naaaa . I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me ( young , in his 20 's ) asked me what I was listening to . I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about ( ! ) so I started it again for him to hear . It 's a long song but he listened to it all . Finally , I feel I have the ability to write again , both electronically and emotionally . Well , I still don 't know about the emotional part . Its been a very emotion - filled few weeks , with many ups and even more downs . My laptop may overheat but I will write with breaks so it can cool down . I was always waiting for something . Exterminators because we had bedbugs . It took the landlord 2 months to get them here so poor Carly and I would go to bed each night so the critters could feast upon our milky flesh . All the info we read from the government and exterminator 's websites recommended you don 't sleep on the couch or they will find you . Where . Ever . You . Go . So I couldn 't sleep . I would stay awake until the sun came up , killing any that crawled on me and put them in a jar of bleach and laugh manically as they dissolved before my eyes ( I bet you didn 't know how sadistic I can be ) . During the day I would pick though my daughter 's bed , trying to decrease her discomfort . She would still have new bites every few days . During this 2 month time we were banned from seeing my grandchildren as my son has an almost supersized fear of the bugs and he did not want to risk any transfer from us . Ditto for the boyfriend . I maybe saw him 4 times in that 2 months and that was to go to movies . I was so relieved when we were finally sprayed at the beginning of December . My oldest granddaughter was overjoyed when I walked though their door . The hugs ! Hugs beat the bedbug blues every time ! Unfortunately the bugs seemed to be the beginning of the end for the boyfriend . He called less and less and I saw him very infrequently . We seemed to have a plan to go to Cuba though , where I hoped some alone time would help . Over the holidays , he just stopped calling except for a text telling me Happy New year and don 't be mad , I 'm going to Cuba with my friend . That was almost 2 weeks ago and not a word since . I knew this was a man who has lived with a very traumatic past and this is the worst time of year for him . It took me a while to realize that he could not be ready for a relationship . He needs to find his own self before he could ever trust his life won 't be ripped apart again . I , of course , have had my own traumatic past . The difference is I have both professional and familial support . He chooses to have a different way of handling his feelings . I 'm afraid it ended with me having a broken heart because of the silence . Or maybe I 'm giving him too much credit and he really is just a jerk . I don 't believe that though . I do know , really , it 's for the best because , unless there is help in his life , my heart would never heal and would keep going through these unresolved issues he carries . I think I might be stronger in some ways . Unfortunately , I 've now developed some trust issues of my own . My self - esteem is even more damaged than before . Who would want me ? I don 't feel attractive physically or emotionally / mentally . What a mess . There was one day that I slept away . 22 hours . That was when I knew I had to try to do something but everything was pretty dark for me . For those who survive depression hopefully knows everyone feels it differently ; it 's never a contest , like " I have more reasons to be depressed than you do " kind of thing . No . What I feel is physical ( heavy like an elephant ) and mentally ( my brain is a foggy bog of poo ) . It 's how to get out of it is the challenge . Sleeping 22 hours may not seem like a healthy way to do it but that was all I could do that day . The next day was less , more like 14 hours . Then it was 12 . I can handle 12 . I did the dishes . I tried to go grocery shopping . Then suddenly I had stuff to do and had to get out of bed to do them so my going to bed at 7 am was not going to work anymore . I seem to have developed a fairly normal schedule . How I felt is so hard to explain . I wish I had the words to tell you how dark my world was . My dreams were where I wanted to be . I couldn 't wait to dream because what happened in them was so much more exciting and meaningful than what my life was . My bi - polar dreams have always been vivid but never so much as during this time . My awake - time flashbacks from the dreams would leave me quite confused . Once , on the rare occasion I did go out , I was very nearly hit by a bus and leapt 3 feet in the air as the driver laid on the horn , inches from my hip , waking me from my musings . I thought no one would care anyway . Of course I know now that is not and never been true . I have my peeps who love me and always will . Before Christmas , I was on the bus after seeing my mental health worker and just broke down . I was crying in public . No one did anything except for the lady beside me who handed me a used tissue . I sat there with tears streaming down my face , suffering in silence . Which is what most people do . All this was not necessarily because of a man . I was on my way to my darkness partly due to the isolation I was in and the feeling of not being wanted anywhere because of the blasted bugs . I was just so sad and lonely and alone . I missed my Dad so much over Christmas . His joy was like a child 's when he opened gifts . His place was empty at the table where we would squeeze his walker in . I did have a wonderful day with my family though . We all felt his presence there , especially when , for no explicable reason , glassware started falling out of the cupboard and breaking on the ceramic floor at my sister 's . I was making the banana cream pie at the moment , which was his favourite dessert . I had to stir and stir the homemade pudding for at about 45 minutes so it wouldn 't burn . Maybe Dad thought I wasn 't doing it right but I kept right on stirring during all the crashing and sweeping and didn 't burn the pudding at all . One of the best we ever made . He was keeping me on my toes I guess . Carly and I got wonderful news the other day . We now have a townhouse we 're moving to through public housing . Instead of paying rent I cannot afford it will be covered by the benefits I receive from Disability . This is a huge financial relief for me . I have lots to look forward to . I will get to purge yet again . The crap that weighs me down . Crap that I hang on to . Crap I can let go . And it ain 't just because of the packing . Hi Everyone ! I won 't be able to post for a while as my laptop turned to a lump of metal my cat likes to lay on . It just takes too long for me to type with just one thumb on my phone . This will be a short one . I 've been totally isolating myself for reasons beyond my control . My sleep is terrible ; it 's now after 6 in the morning and I 'm still awake although I think my eyes might have some sandman sprinkles finally happening . Anyway . I want to get the hell out of here later in the day and hope to visit my fella who is recovering from surgery . I 'll attempt to write again soon . Have patience with me . Thanks I must tell you all , right off the bat , that I know I haven 't written anything for several weeks . I really feel bad about it because I know it helps me get through a lot . I 've put my volunteer work on hold for this month because of the extreme anxiety I 'm feeling about my health and the crazy developments with my father 's estate and , as such , the state of my family life . The stresses have really gotten to me where I am , once again , staying away from the outside world most of the time and hiding in my online games . So boring I know . I do go to my appointments and have made more effort into cooking some meals the last few days than relying on junk food . It helps that Carly is home to eat . After messing up the last 2 appointments booked with my new mental health worker we finally met each other for the second time . It all went well until she asked me how my typical day goes . I was quite embarrassed about it until I remembered that I do get up early twice a week for when my granddaughter comes over for the day . ( So fun to be with her β¦ two years old and so cute and full of goof ) . She asked me what my stresses are and I told her about the above mentioned in more detail . It was a pretty substantial list but mostly I have such fast and negative thoughts . Then I was to go over the positive things in my life which were fewer but still easy to come up with ; kids , boyfriend , and my finances are a little better . I was also to tell her about what I do to help the with stress . Again the list was small but at the end of the meeting she said that column would eventually be full and she could see how low my self - worth and self - esteem were and she has the tools to work on those negative thoughts . It 's been mind - numbing during the day and my sleep is filled with monsters and fear . Restful sleep is really not a part of my nights . It 's mostly 3 or 4 in the morning when my brain will finally shut down and my eyes slam shut for anywhere from 5 to 12 hours of sleep . I slept a day away a few weeks ago with a total of 19 hours . Crazy . My fella and I were finally getting to have some time together and were going out for supper except I kinda and sorta forgot about the going out part only because it was later than I thought we would be going . He called and said he was here and I had just got out of the shower and was dripping wet , naked and just figured , no problem , I 'll just throw something on and let him into my building like I usually do . I went to the front door , where he usually waits , then the back door but no fella . I was quite confused . I called him and asked him where the heck was he and he said at the front in the # 1 parking space . So , after wandering around the hallway in my nightie for another couple of minutes it dawned on me about the going out part . What to wear ? I felt all hot and sweaty after all that running around so I put on a tank top and jeans and put hair products in my very wet hair and ran out the door . He asked me if I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant but I told him I wasn 't really dressed for one ( that 's for sure ! ) so he suggested a favourite pizza joint we both like . It was very crowded and we were waiting for a table when I noticed someone eating at a table nearby who doesn 't like me too much and the feelings are quite mutual . I hid behind my fella after warning him . He was worried about a cat fight or me being so uncomfortable that we should go . I told him not to worry , I have big ovaries and can take it but could he please buy me a glass of wine tonight ? Absolutely , he said . So all the tables were full except for one right beside this person and a whole bunch of reserved ones . The owner of the restaurant told us to sit in the reserved section for now until a booth became available . " Don 't you guys leave , " she said . Whew . We sat in the reserved section ( getting the stinky eye from THAT table ) until a group of volleyball players started to arrive . It was then I noticed how hot my feet were as I listened to my fella regale me with his own restaurant stories . I tried to remember which shoes I put on when , to my horror , I looked down at my feet and saw β¦ . My fella had me howling with laughter when I confessed to my slipper shuffle . He does that all the time . He said he was going to get me a hospital gown to go with my slippers for next time we go out so I can really look the part . It was then I remembered what I told my worker about the fear I had that people looked at me funny and man β¦ I was laughing so hard . We both were . I had to put a little extra shuffle in my step for the rest of the night and the code word was " slippers " to make me start laughing all over again . Supper was great . At the end when my fella was paying the bill I asked the owner how her trip to Greece went . She told us that she went there to find all her old boyfriends so she could fuck them since she was too young to do that when she lived there as a young girl . She didn 't find any . It was great to get out . It did me a world of good . I 'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving with my sister 's family and my group . There we were , two of the most anxious females I know , going to a strange city by Greyhound . Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea ? Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together . My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there . Then my mind started racing with questions . What do we do ? Where do we go ? We started off doing what we thought was the right thing . We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy ( who turned out to be our driver ) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do ? He looked at our tickets and , very kindly , told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6 : 45 . We found seats nearby and waited impatiently . It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios ( What if we don 't sit together ? Why did I have to read about Tim McLean ? What if people smell bad ? ) then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up . We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on our luggage . Now , remember , we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags . We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them . There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty . One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry - on 's and the bag that weighs 100 lbs . is free . That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued . We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry - on with me . By this time there was no line at security . The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton . The first half hour I smelled vomit . The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too . As were his farts . Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol . Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom . Good for them for being so clean . At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business . The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly 's backpack was directly in its path . Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit . She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside , now reeking of and dripping with coffee . The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper . Then there wasn 't any TP for the bathroom . Finally the driver found some . Whew . My legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous . I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop . My feet hurt so much throughout the trip . The swelling never really went away . When we got there , after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep , we still went shopping . I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest . I had to buy a sweater because it wasn 't summer in Edmonton . Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops . I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $ 10 . Carly must have spent over $ 300 the first day . Her money not mine . I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm . I loved the pillows . Our hotel was nicer than I expected . I used booking . com and found a pretty good deal . I give it 3 - 4 stars . We hit so many stores . There were so many people , especially on Saturday . It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers . Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned . I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday . My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed . It was one of the first things I did when I woke up . Open it I mean . Lo and behold it had money in it ! With more strict orders ( he seems to be a little bossy ) to spend it frivolously on myself . So I bought Body Shop stuff , which I never buy because it 's too expensive . Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in . Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday . She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air - conditioned bus . She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares . Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out . She was so patient with me and my sore feet , as long as she knew where I was . Thank goodness for texting and cell phones . I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg , besides the mall . The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming . We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall . Everybody goes really fast there too . Cars and people . Some of the fashions I saw I haven 't seen here , at least not yet . AND I didn 't see one butt crack when people were sitting down . In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court , on the bus or even just walking around . I didn 't see one and that made me happy . Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg . For one thing there was absolutely no security check done . This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads . No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare . For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter , depending on her mood . At least I had to listen , Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out . The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible . When she did stop another would start . There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5 . One mom had 4 . Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming . This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing . We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said . There weren 't that many , it was pretty full . The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last - minute and to be patient . No problem . Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman , maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids , ranging in age from 8 to 18 months , all holding something ; pillows , blankets , books , bags of food . They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around . The dad then ran off the bus , yelling " love you kids ! " and he was a blur going back into the depot . The little family was in the back and we didn 't hear a peep out of them . We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me . They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid . All the while , their mother was calm , laughing along with them , getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again . She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other ; the same . She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy . I told her , " My dad used to say , It 's better than crying " . She laughed more . I could hear a little hysteria in it though . She was so great . She would crouch on the floor with them , rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes . How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind . ( Carly hates my people watching . She thinks I 'm nosy . What the heck else would I write about if I didn 't watch other people and what makes them do what they do ? ) Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry . The dad did nothing ; he just looked mad . I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip . By the time we got home , I wanted to kiss the ground . We had a delay before we left Alberta . A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus , taking smoke breaks with them , etc . These young men always smelled like pot ( SECURITY ! ) . Anyway , we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women ( who also smoked ) with some concern about how she was swelling up . I wanted to show her my own feet but didn 't dare scare her . We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver . He turned around and took her to the hospital . According to the guys she hung with , she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn 't react well with her . We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere , hopefully in good care . I totally had a good time although in pain . Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend . I 'm pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it . I had to be a good mom to Carly , who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day - mares . Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn 't give up , even when he saw me later and practically chased me . I handled it . I did good . It 's taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I 'm just about there . I 'm still not sure about social situations though . This was very impersonal as I didn 't have to interact with many people . Just doing this trip and knowing , even if I am anxious about it , I can breathe through it and continue on . I don 't know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here . Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time . We kept it simple ; using cabs to get to the mall and back . We didn 't do any sightseeing at all . The fear of getting lost is still too strong . I 'm about to test the strengths I 've learned these last few weeks / months / years . I 've planned a great adventure with my daughter which is totally out of my comfort zone . One that will include a Greyhound bus full of strangers , bad food and poor sleep . And then β¦ We will be shopping pretty much non - stop for 3 days then head home again . Well , the girl will be shopping with her money , I will be the one behind her carrying her many purchases and stressing over how to save a nickel ( could we have popcorn for supper ? I really don 't want those shoes . Yes I do . No I don 't . ) . Does this trip fill me with anxiety ? Oh yes , you bet it does . As a matter of fact today I had to drive to the airport where the bus depot is to purchase tickets and I felt so much panic as soon as I couldn 't see downtown anymore . Will I get lost ? Will my bank card not work ? Maybe I don 't have any money . Will my heart decide to stop beating ? Will there be an accident while I 'm driving my son 's van ? Watch out for that old lady ! ! ! ! The original plan was for me to rent a car to get to Edmonton . This wouldn 't work out because I don 't have a credit card and also because I would have to sell my body 541 , 000 times just to get the $ 1 , 000 I would need . So Greyhound it is . I 'm relieved I 'm not driving the 15 hour trip . I would really be scared of getting lost among other things too many to list here . I 've watched way too many movies where a car breaks down and weird - looking strangers make sure the passengers are never seen again . The mom always gets killed first . The huge , incredible " mall " . This is bigger than anything in my city . There aren 't just stores ; there are amusement parks and restaurants and lots and lots of people . Lots of them . I want to do this though because this is the last year my last child is a child . Next summer she will be an adult and making her own trips with her friends . This way I get her all to myself for a few days with no computer in my face . I 'm really looking forward to it in spite of the gnawing in my stomach . After all , I made it out of the bus station with a few wrong turns on the way back but made it home , unscathed , just the same . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
A new medication for sleeping has done wonders for me . Instead of needing and getting 12 to 14 hours of sleep almost every day , I now get up after only 7 hours and feel pretty perky . All my other meds are the same and seem to be working really well for the most part . I think the weather helps too . I 'm not isolating myself so much as I was a few short weeks ago . I love my yard ; the sun sucks all the dreary winter from my body and brings the summer into my soul . We found a cute baby kitty that we were going to adopt and kept him in the house with us for a few days until we could get him to the Humane Society to have him checked out and neutered . He got out just before one of the most weirdest storms I 've ever been through happened . Snow with lightning and high damaging winds . Then he never came back . I still grieve for him . He was so lovable and sweet . The end of May marked the first anniversary of the death of my dad . I still have the image of him taking his last breath as my sister and I clutched his hands , crying , and telling him to go . It was okay to go . I should have left right away so I wouldn 't have had to see his empty , thin body lying there . I can 't forget it . I still remember my mom as she looked after her death too . I dream of them so much . His birthday was 2 days after his death as well . It was hard this year as I 'm sure it will be every year . It 's funny when I dream of my dad because , in my dreams , apparently his death was all a big mistake and he isn 't really dead and is still alive . What makes it better , though , is in between the anniversary of my dad 's death and his birthday my youngest granddaughter had her first birthday . I remember the joy I felt when she was born in spite of the sad , dark time of a year ago . This year was no different , really . She is cute as can be and I love both of my grandgirls to bits . Such bright and wonderful children who give me so much joy . My daughter turned 18 in March and is almost 30 . Yeah . But she 's really doing great . Doing fantastic in school , winning 2 awards and made the honour roll ! So proud of that girl . I also met a man . I decided to give up on the " bad boys " after reading several articles written by nice men who never seem to get a chance . I also read some blog posts and comments from them where women have been stuck with the bad boys just like I was . And they just didn 't get it either . So β¦ I 'm giving one a chance . It 's only been a few weeks but holy moly β¦ wow . He treats me like a queen , takes me for dinners , lunches and breakfasts . He lent me his truck for 4 days ( which my kids thought was really weird ) . I have had to stop him from spending so much money on me . If he had his way he would lavish me with gifts . He wants to find me a car . He wants to buy me clothes . I said no . I keep saying no . He really wants me to be happy and expects a commitment in the future . THAT I 've never heard before . It 's been all disconcerting as I have not met anyone like him . He loves how I look . He 's beyond eager to meet my kids . He wants to be with me all the time and I had to tell him I needed space to breathe and learn about myself in this new role . It was a battle at first , only because of his own insecurities I think . I notice he really doesn 't have that many of those so far . He lives out - of - town on a beautiful 4 acre lot with an apple orchard and all the toys near a beautiful lake . I 've stayed there a few times and love the privacy , the birds and the sun on beautiful days . I had a surprise graduation party for my son , his wife and my daughter on Sunday because they are all graduating . My son got his GED back in the fall , my daughter - in - law went to night school to finish her high school and , of course , my daughter graduates high school in June . My fella paid for all the food and drove me around everywhere to find supplies and presents . He wanted to come to the party to do the cooking but I held him off as we had only been together for such a short time . I just felt it was too soon . He smiles all the time . And that 's important to me . We like and love so many of the same things and every time we discover something new it 's such a surprise . He wants to make sure I 'm not stuck inside and plans outings all the time . He missed me yesterday and drove the hour drive and showed up at 4 in the afternoon with Chinese food for supper . To think I was fighting this . Neither of us could really understand my reasoning . I do though , of course . All those failed relationships , all the heartache and all the work invested and lessons learned . He doesn 't want me to lump him into the same category as those guys . He 's assured me he 's different . I 'm starting to believe it . His health isn 't very good at this time but we both hope for improvements . I MOVED ! My daughter and I finally got a call from low - income housing and we moved in to a beautiful townhouse at the end of February . It 's been all renovated with new everything . The bathtub is even slippery and doesn 't scratch my bottom . hee hee . Unfortunately I did re - injure my back during the move and it took quite a while for it to be tolerable again . I still can 't go for my walks or stand for too long . I 'm pretty sure my depression is because of all the excitement of moving and the natural letdown that follows . Never mind the stress from the move itself both on my body and my mind . I just feel exhausted all the time . I could sleep all day but make myself get up . It 's late in the day but I 'm up before Carly is home from school . I 've seen my granddaughters more . Such joy they give me . I have one video of the 2 - year - old in my lift chair saying " this is awesome " over and over while I worked the controls . She says it in her very grownup 2 - year - old voice . I play it every day . It really helps . My daughter 's 18th birthday is in 10 days . My sister and I are going to the casino to ply her with liquor and bingo . I can 't believe my baby is 18 . I realized last night , while I was feeling my lowest , that I 've been waiting for something . I don 't know what it is but I figure it 's time to stop waiting . Thinking back I realized there are some things I took control of which felt beyond finishing . A quick email to my lawyer telling him I want to go to court and not meet with that man ever again resulted in what I hope is finally action on that man 's part . So it 's not done yet . But it feels like it 's getting closer . It 's been 5 years since I left him . I saw my mental health worker today where I spewed out words and feelings and tears . On the bus ride over there I was listening to music I had downloaded on my phone ( I finally figured it out ) and every song was making me feel sadder and more lost . When I left my worker , I felt better . On the ride home I was listening to Paul McCartney sing " Hey Jude " live . I had shivers up and down my back hearing the love from the crowd as they sang back . Na na na naaaa . I guess I must have been acting like I was really into the song because the guy next to me ( young , in his 20 's ) asked me what I was listening to . I told him and he had no idea who or what I was talking about ( ! ) so I started it again for him to hear . It 's a long song but he listened to it all . Finally , I feel I have the ability to write again , both electronically and emotionally . Well , I still don 't know about the emotional part . Its been a very emotion - filled few weeks , with many ups and even more downs . My laptop may overheat but I will write with breaks so it can cool down . I was always waiting for something . Exterminators because we had bedbugs . It took the landlord 2 months to get them here so poor Carly and I would go to bed each night so the critters could feast upon our milky flesh . All the info we read from the government and exterminator 's websites recommended you don 't sleep on the couch or they will find you . Where . Ever . You . Go . So I couldn 't sleep . I would stay awake until the sun came up , killing any that crawled on me and put them in a jar of bleach and laugh manically as they dissolved before my eyes ( I bet you didn 't know how sadistic I can be ) . During the day I would pick though my daughter 's bed , trying to decrease her discomfort . She would still have new bites every few days . During this 2 month time we were banned from seeing my grandchildren as my son has an almost supersized fear of the bugs and he did not want to risk any transfer from us . Ditto for the boyfriend . I maybe saw him 4 times in that 2 months and that was to go to movies . I was so relieved when we were finally sprayed at the beginning of December . My oldest granddaughter was overjoyed when I walked though their door . The hugs ! Hugs beat the bedbug blues every time ! Unfortunately the bugs seemed to be the beginning of the end for the boyfriend . He called less and less and I saw him very infrequently . We seemed to have a plan to go to Cuba though , where I hoped some alone time would help . Over the holidays , he just stopped calling except for a text telling me Happy New year and don 't be mad , I 'm going to Cuba with my friend . That was almost 2 weeks ago and not a word since . I knew this was a man who has lived with a very traumatic past and this is the worst time of year for him . It took me a while to realize that he could not be ready for a relationship . He needs to find his own self before he could ever trust his life won 't be ripped apart again . I , of course , have had my own traumatic past . The difference is I have both professional and familial support . He chooses to have a different way of handling his feelings . I 'm afraid it ended with me having a broken heart because of the silence . Or maybe I 'm giving him too much credit and he really is just a jerk . I don 't believe that though . I do know , really , it 's for the best because , unless there is help in his life , my heart would never heal and would keep going through these unresolved issues he carries . I think I might be stronger in some ways . Unfortunately , I 've now developed some trust issues of my own . My self - esteem is even more damaged than before . Who would want me ? I don 't feel attractive physically or emotionally / mentally . What a mess . There was one day that I slept away . 22 hours . That was when I knew I had to try to do something but everything was pretty dark for me . For those who survive depression hopefully knows everyone feels it differently ; it 's never a contest , like " I have more reasons to be depressed than you do " kind of thing . No . What I feel is physical ( heavy like an elephant ) and mentally ( my brain is a foggy bog of poo ) . It 's how to get out of it is the challenge . Sleeping 22 hours may not seem like a healthy way to do it but that was all I could do that day . The next day was less , more like 14 hours . Then it was 12 . I can handle 12 . I did the dishes . I tried to go grocery shopping . Then suddenly I had stuff to do and had to get out of bed to do them so my going to bed at 7 am was not going to work anymore . I seem to have developed a fairly normal schedule . How I felt is so hard to explain . I wish I had the words to tell you how dark my world was . My dreams were where I wanted to be . I couldn 't wait to dream because what happened in them was so much more exciting and meaningful than what my life was . My bi - polar dreams have always been vivid but never so much as during this time . My awake - time flashbacks from the dreams would leave me quite confused . Once , on the rare occasion I did go out , I was very nearly hit by a bus and leapt 3 feet in the air as the driver laid on the horn , inches from my hip , waking me from my musings . I thought no one would care anyway . Of course I know now that is not and never been true . I have my peeps who love me and always will . Before Christmas , I was on the bus after seeing my mental health worker and just broke down . I was crying in public . No one did anything except for the lady beside me who handed me a used tissue . I sat there with tears streaming down my face , suffering in silence . Which is what most people do . All this was not necessarily because of a man . I was on my way to my darkness partly due to the isolation I was in and the feeling of not being wanted anywhere because of the blasted bugs . I was just so sad and lonely and alone . I missed my Dad so much over Christmas . His joy was like a child 's when he opened gifts . His place was empty at the table where we would squeeze his walker in . I did have a wonderful day with my family though . We all felt his presence there , especially when , for no explicable reason , glassware started falling out of the cupboard and breaking on the ceramic floor at my sister 's . I was making the banana cream pie at the moment , which was his favourite dessert . I had to stir and stir the homemade pudding for at about 45 minutes so it wouldn 't burn . Maybe Dad thought I wasn 't doing it right but I kept right on stirring during all the crashing and sweeping and didn 't burn the pudding at all . One of the best we ever made . He was keeping me on my toes I guess . Carly and I got wonderful news the other day . We now have a townhouse we 're moving to through public housing . Instead of paying rent I cannot afford it will be covered by the benefits I receive from Disability . This is a huge financial relief for me . I have lots to look forward to . I will get to purge yet again . The crap that weighs me down . Crap that I hang on to . Crap I can let go . And it ain 't just because of the packing . Hi Everyone ! I won 't be able to post for a while as my laptop turned to a lump of metal my cat likes to lay on . It just takes too long for me to type with just one thumb on my phone . This will be a short one . I 've been totally isolating myself for reasons beyond my control . My sleep is terrible ; it 's now after 6 in the morning and I 'm still awake although I think my eyes might have some sandman sprinkles finally happening . Anyway . I want to get the hell out of here later in the day and hope to visit my fella who is recovering from surgery . I 'll attempt to write again soon . Have patience with me . Thanks I must tell you all , right off the bat , that I know I haven 't written anything for several weeks . I really feel bad about it because I know it helps me get through a lot . I 've put my volunteer work on hold for this month because of the extreme anxiety I 'm feeling about my health and the crazy developments with my father 's estate and , as such , the state of my family life . The stresses have really gotten to me where I am , once again , staying away from the outside world most of the time and hiding in my online games . So boring I know . I do go to my appointments and have made more effort into cooking some meals the last few days than relying on junk food . It helps that Carly is home to eat . After messing up the last 2 appointments booked with my new mental health worker we finally met each other for the second time . It all went well until she asked me how my typical day goes . I was quite embarrassed about it until I remembered that I do get up early twice a week for when my granddaughter comes over for the day . ( So fun to be with her β¦ two years old and so cute and full of goof ) . She asked me what my stresses are and I told her about the above mentioned in more detail . It was a pretty substantial list but mostly I have such fast and negative thoughts . Then I was to go over the positive things in my life which were fewer but still easy to come up with ; kids , boyfriend , and my finances are a little better . I was also to tell her about what I do to help the with stress . Again the list was small but at the end of the meeting she said that column would eventually be full and she could see how low my self - worth and self - esteem were and she has the tools to work on those negative thoughts . It 's been mind - numbing during the day and my sleep is filled with monsters and fear . Restful sleep is really not a part of my nights . It 's mostly 3 or 4 in the morning when my brain will finally shut down and my eyes slam shut for anywhere from 5 to 12 hours of sleep . I slept a day away a few weeks ago with a total of 19 hours . Crazy . My fella and I were finally getting to have some time together and were going out for supper except I kinda and sorta forgot about the going out part only because it was later than I thought we would be going . He called and said he was here and I had just got out of the shower and was dripping wet , naked and just figured , no problem , I 'll just throw something on and let him into my building like I usually do . I went to the front door , where he usually waits , then the back door but no fella . I was quite confused . I called him and asked him where the heck was he and he said at the front in the # 1 parking space . So , after wandering around the hallway in my nightie for another couple of minutes it dawned on me about the going out part . What to wear ? I felt all hot and sweaty after all that running around so I put on a tank top and jeans and put hair products in my very wet hair and ran out the door . He asked me if I wanted to go to a fancy restaurant but I told him I wasn 't really dressed for one ( that 's for sure ! ) so he suggested a favourite pizza joint we both like . It was very crowded and we were waiting for a table when I noticed someone eating at a table nearby who doesn 't like me too much and the feelings are quite mutual . I hid behind my fella after warning him . He was worried about a cat fight or me being so uncomfortable that we should go . I told him not to worry , I have big ovaries and can take it but could he please buy me a glass of wine tonight ? Absolutely , he said . So all the tables were full except for one right beside this person and a whole bunch of reserved ones . The owner of the restaurant told us to sit in the reserved section for now until a booth became available . " Don 't you guys leave , " she said . Whew . We sat in the reserved section ( getting the stinky eye from THAT table ) until a group of volleyball players started to arrive . It was then I noticed how hot my feet were as I listened to my fella regale me with his own restaurant stories . I tried to remember which shoes I put on when , to my horror , I looked down at my feet and saw β¦ . My fella had me howling with laughter when I confessed to my slipper shuffle . He does that all the time . He said he was going to get me a hospital gown to go with my slippers for next time we go out so I can really look the part . It was then I remembered what I told my worker about the fear I had that people looked at me funny and man β¦ I was laughing so hard . We both were . I had to put a little extra shuffle in my step for the rest of the night and the code word was " slippers " to make me start laughing all over again . Supper was great . At the end when my fella was paying the bill I asked the owner how her trip to Greece went . She told us that she went there to find all her old boyfriends so she could fuck them since she was too young to do that when she lived there as a young girl . She didn 't find any . It was great to get out . It did me a world of good . I 'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving with my sister 's family and my group . There we were , two of the most anxious females I know , going to a strange city by Greyhound . Whatever gave me the idea that this was a GOOD idea ? Well mainly it was because Carly and I were going to spend some good quality time together . My son was driving us to the bus depot and I was feeling pretty calm until we were almost there . Then my mind started racing with questions . What do we do ? Where do we go ? We started off doing what we thought was the right thing . We went to the counter at the depot and told the guy ( who turned out to be our driver ) that we were going to Edmonton and what do we do ? He looked at our tickets and , very kindly , told us we would be departing at Gate 1 at 6 : 45 . We found seats nearby and waited impatiently . It got later and later and Carly was coming up with more and more dire scenarios ( What if we don 't sit together ? Why did I have to read about Tim McLean ? What if people smell bad ? ) then finally we saw the bus arrive and security being set up . We were about 5th in line and finally got to the security table when we noticed we were the only ones without any tags on our luggage . Now , remember , we did go to the counter and no one said anything about tags . We had to go back to the nice man and tell him we needed them . There was a lineup there too and only 2 people on duty . One staff member was being held up by a guy who was trying to say his 3 bags were all carry - on 's and the bag that weighs 100 lbs . is free . That was not true and vigorous arguments ensued . We finally got to the nice man and he apologized for his mistake and even let me take my heavy carry - on with me . By this time there was no line at security . The thing about the motor coach I noticed the most was the smells that made their way to me throughout the trip to Edmonton . The first half hour I smelled vomit . The guy across the aisle kept belching really loud and they were quite stinky too . As were his farts . Then I thought everyone was drinking on the bus because someone would walk by me and I would smell alcohol . Turns out it was the hand sanitizer from the bathroom . Good for them for being so clean . At least I knew they washed their hands after they did their business . The smell that started half way there and never really went away came from a cup of coffee that a woman behind me spilled which proceeded to go downhill where Carly 's backpack was directly in its path . Carly was already so stressed out at this point she went over the edge for a bit . She cried over her Vans backpack and her new toiletries bag inside , now reeking of and dripping with coffee . The lady felt so bad and mopped up everything with toilet paper . Then there wasn 't any TP for the bathroom . Finally the driver found some . Whew . My legs and feet swelled up so much it was ridiculous . I have a history of blood clots and made sure I walked around whenever we had a stop . My feet hurt so much throughout the trip . The swelling never really went away . When we got there , after 18 hours on the bus and with barely any sleep , we still went shopping . I could barely walk and would send Carly into a store while I would find a bench to sit on and rest . I had to buy a sweater because it wasn 't summer in Edmonton . Fall weather had hit and I was in shorts and tank tops . I was miserly with money and was so glad to find a pretty good one for only $ 10 . Carly must have spent over $ 300 the first day . Her money not mine . I slept so good that night and was out like a light before 9 pm . I loved the pillows . Our hotel was nicer than I expected . I used booking . com and found a pretty good deal . I give it 3 - 4 stars . We hit so many stores . There were so many people , especially on Saturday . It was almost impossible to get through some of the aisles as they were clogged with crazy shoppers . Friday was my birthday and another day of shopping was planned . I got some great deals just telling people it was my birthday . My new fella had given me a card with strict instructions not to open it until my birthday and I actually obeyed . It was one of the first things I did when I woke up . Open it I mean . Lo and behold it had money in it ! With more strict orders ( he seems to be a little bossy ) to spend it frivolously on myself . So I bought Body Shop stuff , which I never buy because it 's too expensive . Because it was my birthday I got free hand lotion thrown in . Carly spoiled me rotten on my birthday . She paid for all the meals and cabs and bought me a beautiful forever scarf which was handy on the way home in the air - conditioned bus . She paid for more than half the food on the trip and half the cab fares . Almost every time I looked at her she had her bank card out . She was so patient with me and my sore feet , as long as she knew where I was . Thank goodness for texting and cell phones . I noticed a lot of things that makes Edmonton different from Winnipeg , besides the mall . The noise is unbelievable and overwhelming . We had to shout to each other most of the time at the mall . Everybody goes really fast there too . Cars and people . Some of the fashions I saw I haven 't seen here , at least not yet . AND I didn 't see one butt crack when people were sitting down . In Winnipeg you can count on seeing several in any food court , on the bus or even just walking around . I didn 't see one and that made me happy . Leaving Edmonton was very different then leaving Winnipeg . For one thing there was absolutely no security check done . This caused a whole new round of anxiety for Carly as now anyone could have a knife or a gun and cut off our heads . No one did but even so the trip home was a nightmare . For 20 hours we listened to a baby either screaming with misery or laughter , depending on her mood . At least I had to listen , Carly had her iPod so she plugged into her music world and drowned it all out . The baby rarely stopped and it was horrible . When she did stop another would start . There were 8 children on that bus under the age of 5 . One mom had 4 . Another mom had 2 and one of hers was the devil child who kept screaming . This mom who had 4 children with her was amazing . We were about to leave Edmonton when a man came running onto the bus looking for seats he said . There weren 't that many , it was pretty full . The driver announced that a family of 5 was coming on board at the last - minute and to be patient . No problem . Out the doorway I could see this tiny woman , maybe about 25 years old and 4 kids , ranging in age from 8 to 18 months , all holding something ; pillows , blankets , books , bags of food . They climbed on then the driver made ANOTHER announcement that these people had reserved seats so a lot of people had to shuffle around . The dad then ran off the bus , yelling " love you kids ! " and he was a blur going back into the depot . The little family was in the back and we didn 't hear a peep out of them . We had a layover in Saskatchewan and these kids totally entertained me . They danced and sang and giggled and climbed and ran and hid . All the while , their mother was calm , laughing along with them , getting them to settle down for only minutes at a time and not worrying too much when they started up again . She spoke to them patiently and kindly and I could tell she does this all the time by the way the kids treated each other ; the same . She met my eyes and laughed telling me they only had 3 hours of sleep so they were really goofy . I told her , " My dad used to say , It 's better than crying " . She laughed more . I could hear a little hysteria in it though . She was so great . She would crouch on the floor with them , rocking the youngest against her chest while talking softly to the others and feeding them apples and grapes . How she could hold that position for so long boggled my mind . ( Carly hates my people watching . She thinks I 'm nosy . What the heck else would I write about if I didn 't watch other people and what makes them do what they do ? ) Meanwhile the other screaming kid was still screaming with the mom begging her not to cry . The dad did nothing ; he just looked mad . I know the child was tired and they were on a long trip but it was really hard to take by hour 15 of the 20 hour trip . By the time we got home , I wanted to kiss the ground . We had a delay before we left Alberta . A young woman was hanging out with some of the younger guys on the bus , taking smoke breaks with them , etc . These young men always smelled like pot ( SECURITY ! ) . Anyway , we made a quick stop in a small town and I walked by her where she was commenting to some of the other women ( who also smoked ) with some concern about how she was swelling up . I wanted to show her my own feet but didn 't dare scare her . We all got back on the bus and started off again when she left her seat and went to talk to the driver . He turned around and took her to the hospital . According to the guys she hung with , she had taken opiates and then one of the guys gave her something else which didn 't react well with her . We had to leave her there in the middle of nowhere , hopefully in good care . I totally had a good time although in pain . Tylenol Arthritis was my best friend . I 'm pretty proud of myself but not totally surprised I could do it . I had to be a good mom to Carly , who was anxious a lot of the time and keep her calm from her day - mares . Never mind the hundreds of people or the guy who wanted to give me a makeover and wouldn 't give up , even when he saw me later and practically chased me . I handled it . I did good . It 's taking me a few days to recover from the overload and the swelling but I 'm just about there . I 'm still not sure about social situations though . This was very impersonal as I didn 't have to interact with many people . Just doing this trip and knowing , even if I am anxious about it , I can breathe through it and continue on . I don 't know what the future holds but it sure looks good from here . Going into big crowds like that was amazing and overwhelming at the same time . We kept it simple ; using cabs to get to the mall and back . We didn 't do any sightseeing at all . The fear of getting lost is still too strong . I 'm about to test the strengths I 've learned these last few weeks / months / years . I 've planned a great adventure with my daughter which is totally out of my comfort zone . One that will include a Greyhound bus full of strangers , bad food and poor sleep . And then β¦ We will be shopping pretty much non - stop for 3 days then head home again . Well , the girl will be shopping with her money , I will be the one behind her carrying her many purchases and stressing over how to save a nickel ( could we have popcorn for supper ? I really don 't want those shoes . Yes I do . No I don 't . ) . Does this trip fill me with anxiety ? Oh yes , you bet it does . As a matter of fact today I had to drive to the airport where the bus depot is to purchase tickets and I felt so much panic as soon as I couldn 't see downtown anymore . Will I get lost ? Will my bank card not work ? Maybe I don 't have any money . Will my heart decide to stop beating ? Will there be an accident while I 'm driving my son 's van ? Watch out for that old lady ! ! ! ! The original plan was for me to rent a car to get to Edmonton . This wouldn 't work out because I don 't have a credit card and also because I would have to sell my body 541 , 000 times just to get the $ 1 , 000 I would need . So Greyhound it is . I 'm relieved I 'm not driving the 15 hour trip . I would really be scared of getting lost among other things too many to list here . I 've watched way too many movies where a car breaks down and weird - looking strangers make sure the passengers are never seen again . The mom always gets killed first . The huge , incredible " mall " . This is bigger than anything in my city . There aren 't just stores ; there are amusement parks and restaurants and lots and lots of people . Lots of them . I want to do this though because this is the last year my last child is a child . Next summer she will be an adult and making her own trips with her friends . This way I get her all to myself for a few days with no computer in my face . I 'm really looking forward to it in spite of the gnawing in my stomach . After all , I made it out of the bus station with a few wrong turns on the way back but made it home , unscathed , just the same . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Water was poured , warm bread and whipped butter were brought to the table , we were handed menus , and the evening specials were delightfully announced from memory . We expressed our thanks to the server who said he 'd give us a moment to make our choice , then noted he would return with our drinks . β¦ thanks again and no problem replied all around . Wait , what problem ? When exactly when did no problem become an acceptable response to thank you ? What happened to You 're Welcome ? Why would anyone think the job they are getting paid for is a problem for the customer ? I 'm here for a special service , not to cause anyone any trouble . If I thought there was going to be a problem I wouldn 't be there ! I wouldn 't patronize any place or service where my being there was going to be a problem for anyone . I could understand someone holding a door for me that I may not have been moving fast enough to get through at the same time they were . So that person may have waited a few seconds for me to catch up . And when I breathlessly thanked them an acceptable answer could have been No Problem , but a You 're Welcome would do the job nicely as well . I 'm able to understand when someone goes out of their way to be helpful , especially if I 'm feeling like I may have put them out a bit . I 'm observant that way . But they 're letting me know it really wasn 't a problem for them to wait and hold the door , they were being kind , and that makes sense to me . But replying to my thank you for complementary bread and water served with a No Problem , tells me they went out of their way to do their job , just for me . Perhaps they had to travel far and wide for the water . Or it was up high on a shelf and they needed aid in bringing it down ; maybe it under lock and key . Better yet , could this have been special water ? What 's the protocol here ? Does a Thank You now require the advice that someone just went out of their way for your service ? That you may have in some way put them in some type of jeopardy or a position that might have put them in harm 's way ? A man and a woman walk through the park together , holding hands . They pass an old woman sitting on a bench . The old woman is knitting a small , red sweater . The man begins to cry . Write this scene . Richard smiled to himself as he felt the warmth of her soft hand in his , he squeezed it a little tighter . It 's been a long road both emotionally and physically for them and things are starting to look a little better . Jane has begun to come around again . She 's more open , more giving , and more loving . Although still silent most of the time , he can tell when she does speak that her mood is upbeat . All the doctors said it would take time . The accident was bad , but the recovery has been much worse . They 're hoping she will regain the rest of her memory soon . But not him , because then she 'll remember what they really lost . Richard froze in the spot . Their baby was wearing a small red sweater similar to this one on that day . His heart took a plunge and he couldn 't catch his breath for a second . It hurt so much to recall his sweet little face and that voice that was starting to say " Dahdah " , tears came to him quickly , as usual . Would she notice , could this be the memory trigger she needed ? He hoped not but he worried she 'd never be the same woman he married . He moved quickly to guild her past the old woman who was now smiling at them . Jane wished he wouldn 't hold her hand so much , did he think she 'd get lost and not be able to find her way out of the park ? Why did he insist on babying her so ? She was no child , she used to walk in the park all the time , although not alone . Everyone needed to let her be . The closeness felt consuming , smothering . And these doctors , what did they think she was supposed to accomplish in such a short time . He was a stranger when she woke , but now she knows who he is , just not what he wants . She feared she 'd never figure out how to please him , or how to pleases herself for that matter . Oh well , life does go on she reassured herself , knowing that something important was missing . At least her parents knew she was doing fine , thank God for them , she smiled . Oh , look , now there 's an optimistic woman ! At her age she still believes she can still prepare for a child . You go girl , she nodded and smiled back at the old woman . Sitting on this bench makes my butt numb the old woman mumbled to herself . If I had proper heating I could stay indoors , but no . . I have to come here and look for a few rays of sun . She was working on yet another sweater . At least this time she was given red yarn ; blue and pink were so boring . She 'd made this particular style so many times she needed no pattern . And even thought her fingers were old and arthritic she could still knit with skilled speed . Most women in the home who could knit were given projects for the women 's shelter , but how many baby sweaters were needed ? Couldn 't she help in other ways ? This was getting out of hand . Charity work was something she 'd always been involved in but she needed something else to focus on now . But understanding and accepting life 's limitations age had brought to her , sitting and knitting was what she had to settle for . Not happy at the " retirement " home she was currently living in , she was continually bored . But she always managed to get outside without any supervision . Where were her own children and why did no one visit any longer ? Was almost always on her mind . Oh ! here 's a nice young couple , maybe they would stop and visit a while . Smiling at their young faces , she recognized the woman as she walked here often , but today she was with a different man . She knew at once that they would not be the ones to stop and visit . Not today anyway . I used to commute to San Francisco where I started work at 7am . Most mornings I 'd have to step , almost trip , over the homeless , sleeping people that couldn 't , for various reasons , get into a shelter . They 're under blankets , under cardboard boxes , under benches , under doorways and almost always underfoot . After work I have to pass these same people who are now awake and asking for money or other items . Most are were nice . But some would curse and yell at anyone in their area . I offer my change , small bills , my packed lunch , or pieces of fruit . At times I 've purchased coffee from a street truck for those awake at 6 : 45am , and I feel guilty for not doing more . My guilt will not allow me to pass by without some sort of help or gesture . Then I met John . I 'd watched him for a few weeks when I first started to work in the city , I admired his style . There was something about him , something special , unique in fact . John was homeless , had nothing , nowhere to go , but he did have a job . John 's job was to stand at the same spot , on the same corner , every day , rain or shine . He did not lean , sit , or recline . He stood upright near the building , a smile on his face and a good morning nod to those who passed by , or thanks to anyone who might drop him a coin . John held a 12 ounce red plastic cup close to his chest . It was a cracked , broken , dirty cup that had seen better days . But it too had a job to do . This cup must safely hold anything given to John . His hair always combed , but he was unshaven , his dress was ragged but clean , sometimes he wore shoes , sometimes he didn 't . Socks were a luxury . He either wore a hat or not , and sometimes he wore a yellow rain jacket that made him look like a school crossing guard . John was never there at his spot in the mornings . After a while I made sure to have something to give John when I left work . If time permitted I 'd stop and chat a bit , and I apologized if I had nothing to give him . He was happy , thankful , grateful , and never disappointed . The first time I gave him a few lint covered quarters from deep in my pocket , he asked my name . We introduced ourselves to each other and a friendship was born . During the conversation I could almost feel the sadness and pain behind his eyes when he explained he was a father . He said he had adult children he never sees , but he was proud of them , and he knew they were all good kids . On this one particular day I left work in a very bad , dark mood . It had been a horrible day , a horrible week even . Everyone was stressed , the job was getting more difficult , the pressure was mounting and I wished everyday was a Saturday so I could bury my head under a mountain of pillows . I hated everything and everyone . I hated my job , my commute , my boss , my fellow employees , my kids , cooking dinner , everything was getting too much for me to bear . How I got to this point in my life and why was I so cranky all the time I couldn 't answer , but every day seemed to be worse than the previous one . And this hate was building up inside me . I quickly left the building and joined the ugly mob on the sidewalk who were also racing to the train entrance . And totally forgot I even knew someone named John . Not thinking , head down , I passed by him quickly , without even noticing him , without anything for him , not even a smile . When I was nearly out of ear shot I heard him say in that sweet , gentle voice of his , " Don 't worry Darl ' n . This too shall pass . " It felt like God himself had spoken to me , reminding me things could be worse , and that hit me hard . I could be that woman in the wheel chair on the next corner who had no legs and hated everyone who walked past her because they could . I might be under a cardboard box , freezing , hopeless , helpless . I could have no home , no children , no wonderful husband , and no job to bitch about . I could have nothing at all . I needed to stop and be grateful for my many gifts . I turned and went back to John and apologized . Sorry for having nothing to share , sorry for running by , sorry for feeling sorry for myself and sorry for the ugliness on my face . He hugged me and said he understood very well . His bad odor didn 't bother me as I hugged him back . Then he told me to get going or I 'd miss my train , he 'd see me tomorrow . The next morning I packed a nice care package for John and brought it to him on my lunch hour . We sat in an empty doorway and talked about our daily lives . I found him comforting , intelligent , and even funny . I could tell that in better days , he must have been handsome . Two weeks passed and John did return to his usual spot looking a little more sad and worn looking . Our friendship continued with us checking on each other 's day and other pleasantries . His smile sent me home feeling grateful , comforted . After a few weeks John disappeared again , and again I worried about him . Time passed and I didn 't see John until a year later when he was crossing a very busy street at commute time . He was going against the light on a one way street and the fast moving cars were dodging him . Everyone was honking and cursing him , while people on the corners watched in horror . He didn 't know where he was , or that he was in any danger . I called to him to stop . I put my arms up and stopped the traffic just as we got the green light to cross . I ran to him and helped him to his corner as he leaned on me . " John , what are you doing , are you ok ? " I asked . He blinked a few times as he tried to focus on my face . After a few seconds he looked into my eyes . " Hey you ! " he yelled back his breath almost knocking me down . " How are you ? Hey all you people ! Looky here at this here woman . She 's the nicest person in the world . You people don 't even know the angel that walks with you . This woman is a wonderful angel ! " He went on and on as people looked in disgust pushing past us to cross the street . John was hanging all over me , filthy and horrible smelling . His black bushy hair was matted with something brown that I didn 't want to know about . He wore socks without shoes , and his shirt and pants were ripped . I tried to pull him off me , but didn 't want to offend my friend . So I stepped back and propped him against the building . " Are you ok , John ? " I 'd never seen anyone like this before , well , not this close up anyway . He just looked into space , eyes still unable to focus . " Here John , please take this . " I gave him a $ 5 . 00 bill hoping he 'd make it to McDonald 's on the next block . " I want you to promise me you will get something to eat . " When I crossed the street he was calling out to the crowds again , singing my praises . He had fallen on his butt and was leaning against the building . I wanted to cry . I never saw my friend John again and I think of my angel often . And I 'll never forget his prophetic words , words that helped me , words that woke me up on that dark and crazy day . Today I repeat them often as a prayer , whenever I 'm feeling overwhelmed . One day while my five year old son was in kindergarten , I decided to clean their bedroom . I usually didn 't do this because I felt that was their private space . But on this one day I decided to vacuum and dust and the three year old angel was going to help . My mom used to tell me if we worked together we 'd get done faster . But she was on the phone with friends while I was doing all the work . It wasn 't going to be like that when I grew up ! So after lunch we changed sheets , piled the laundry in a basket , and we both dusted and put wood polish on the furniture . While we worked we talked about our day . He told me who he played with after breakfast and I told him what I was fixing for dinner . Bonding over house cleaning , who would have thought ! The high - boy dresser was last since to clean behind since it was so large and heavy . As I slowly moved it away from the wall , something fell from behind it . I couldn 't tell what it was , but the further I pulled the dresser out more stuff fell into a pile on the carpet . At first , I couldn 't describe what I was looking at . On closer inspection I realized they were all uneaten half sandwiches , and there were lots of them : peanut butter and jelly , bologna and cheese , salami , you name it , it was in the pile . And they were all in different stages of decay . There were green ones , brown ones and even purple ones . Some were covered in grey mold , some had gone black , and others looked as if they were sprouting new sandwiches . I wanted to puke . I sent him to the kitchen to get a few brown paper grocery bags . After we put gloves on , we filled 3 bags full with this debris . I put them to one side of the room and we continued with our cleaning , in disgust . " Besides , don 't you know there are children in China starving ? " ( Oh , oh , that was my mom ) I went on , " Well , just wait until your brother comes home . We 'll get to the bottom on this , you better not be lying to me . " " I 'm not , Mom ! " He said with those big blue eyes swelling with tears streaming down his sweet baby face . And I believed him , what a good little boy , he was Mommy 's Helper . " I 'm glad you like it , your brother helped . But can you tell me what 's in those bags ? " He walked over to the grocery bags and peered into one of them . Confused , he got a little closer and took a better look . " WHAT ? It was you ? " I shrieked . " All day long you 've lied to me , told me it was your brother , and it was you all along ? What 's the matter with you , how could you lie to me like this ? " " I can 't either . Why don 't you just do what I do ? Go to the bathroom and flush it down the toilet ? " The older brother said . Sitting down at the kitchen table over a snack of milk and cookies , we agreed from that day forward , the boys would continue to clean their room , I 'm done with that chore . But now they were to fix their own lunches , in the amount they wanted , and they were to eat everything they fixed . But without bathroom breaks . My friend , whom I grew up with , disappeared 25 years ago . I didn 't know the details , but I was aware of some emotional issues she harbored as a young girl . She lived with my family while we were in high school and we grew very close . She became the sister I never had and I loved her dearly . She was a perfectionist , from the top of her bleached blond hair to the way she set a table . Everything had to be perfect in her eye . She was shorter than I , by about 5 inches , thin as a rail , soft spoken , and very serious about everything . But she 'd go from laughing at what I 'd just said or what one of my brothers had done , to being overtaken with gloom and despair , all in the matter of a few minutes . I never knew how to cheer her up or what made her tick . I 'd jump through hoops to make her smile , but ended up leaving her alone until she came out of it , which she always did . She was in my wedding , but we were never invited to hers . However , later on we hung out with our husbands and children , but only on her terms , and if her moods suited her . Holidays , birthdays , anniversaries were spent together . And for a short time our husbands worked together , we stayed close for many years . But then all contact stopped . My calls were refused , and my cards and letters were returned with Not At This Address written by her hand across the front . I missed her dearly . But she 'd often " disappeared " this way but returned as if nothing had happened . We just picked up where we left off , all smiles , hugs and laughter . I loved her but was mostly confused by her . But was I too blind , too self absorbed or just too naive to understand what was going on with her ? And I always felt a little inferior to her , I felt I could never match up to her perfection . Why would he wait until now , why not contact me when she had first shown signs of illness , or soon after , why take way my only chance to tell her how much I loved and missed her ? Why now ? I asked him to hold her in his arms and whisper in her ear that her " sister " Mo loves and misses her . I didn 't get to experience the birth of her son with her , although she was there for me when our two boys who are much older , were born . I missed out , or wasn 't invited to her family occasions as they all were to ours , and I missed sharing the loss of her parents with her , as she shared the loss of mine with me . For some reason she kept us at bay . My husband and I drove 15 hours to visit him this last May , on the one year anniversary of her death . We spent a week with him as he drove us all through the area , showing us the sites , telling stories of the construction of the house , which of course was magnificent , and all about their life there . He was shocked to hear of my attempts of contact and the constant refusals . But he acted like he understood perfectly . Their home was lovely and I could feel her presents everywhere , in every room , in every aspect of both the house and garden . Her reflection and perfection were everywhere . And all I could come up with was " why " ? Why didn 't I know her , why couldn 't she let me be a part of her life , and why did she die so damn young ? She grew into a different person then the one I had known , one I would have loved to be a friend to . Although still a quite perfectionist , I could see how happy she had become , how proud she was of their children , their home and their successes . Yet through it all she remained simple in her pleasures , her modesty and her persona . He 's gone , and that 's as it should be , since he should never have been here in the first place . He was never mine and he was never going to be . He wanted to be mine , I wanted him to be mine , but it wasn 't meant to be as others were involved . I lost weight . I gained weight . I consumed more alcohol than I thought humanly possible , for me anyway . I stopped seeing friends , I seldom visited with family . I was alone and I hated being alone . But , I wanted to be alone . Night time TV became my best friend as I could no longer sleep . I was lucky to nap 2 to 3 hours in 24 . I became a regular on shopmsn . I watched movies made before I was born , before color was invented , before there was sound . I ate ice cream in bed . |
Today at school GG got to be the Bible teacher 's special helper . She was so excited about it last night that I didn 't think she was ever going to fall asleep . I guess this is something new they just started and she was the second one chosen . She has really excelled this year in school . I can 't believe she is reading . It is so cool to listen to her read ! ! ! This was what she read today for homework . . . Mother had to ask Pam to help . The task is to help Bill . Pam must give Bill his lunch . The lunch is in the cup . Pam has a mug , too . Milk is in the mug . It is fun to help Bill . Bill is glad . Pam is glad to help Mother and Bill . It is absolutely amazing to hear her read this , I don 't think I was doing this type of reading until I was at least in 1st grade . She has also made some really good friends . She is my little extrovert : ) We are about ready to go to a wake for J 's aunt who passed away a couple of days ago . We have prepared the children for what is going to take place . GG is so sweet she wanted to color a picture to put in the casket . . . she has never even met this aunt . We decided it would be a better idea to color one for grandpa because it was his sister . She hates to see people sad so it should be interesting to see her compassion come out today to people she hasn 't met before or only once before . She is so caring towards others . . . just one of the reasons I love that little girl so much ! ! ! The first was something J and I learned about Red . He does not like dogs . We were at the Irwin 's house and their neighbors came over to show them their new dog . J took Red over to the dog so he could get a closer look . Red started to cry . I just thought it was a fluke because the door was opened and I thought he was cold . Well then on Saturday we went to my dad 's house and they have a dog . Red watched her the whole time we were there . The dog even jumped up on the couch we were sitting on and then jumped back down , Red started shacking and then cried , that completely freaked him out . Then last night the kids and I were watching America 's Funniest Home Videos and they had a segment with dogs . . . Red cried when he saw them . I am really hoping he will out grow that because during the summer when we are outside there are tons of dogs that walk down our street and Jack ( our neighbor ) feeds them and usually lets the kids do it ! The second lesson learned was for GlamorGirl . That is you have unacceptable behavior at school you will have to ask for forgiveness . Friday she spent the day in KAP J was subbing and she wanted to stay . I thought I 'll just stick around for the pep assembly . . . I really wanted to see a pep assembly at a Christian school . So I brought Monkey lunch at school and had him take a nap with the kids who stay all day . While he was sleeping I went to see GG to do her reading with her . Wanted to get it done because we were going to the I 's for dinner . Well this is when she was bad . She started screaming and throwing a fit . . . I know . . . I know my little girl ? But she is so sweet . Well she let out some true colors that day . All of the teachers in that wing stopped class to come check out the noise in the hallway . They thought someone was being hurt . No it was just GG not wanting to read the right lesson , and being stubborn . I told her she could do the right homework now or we can just do it at home . I finally got her settled down with help from her teacher telling her that she is suppose to do the lesson I had told Posted by J was rubbing Monkey 's head and told him it was a brain sucker , do you know what it is doing ? Monkey shock his head no . J said , " Starving " Then he asked Monkey if that meant he had no brains ? Monkey said , " Yes , I have no brains . " I stepped in and said , " That 's not true . You have brains in your head . " So J looked into his ears . And said I don 't see any brains but I see popcorn . Remember the day I was pulling popcorn out of his ear ? ! ? ! We all just laughed . Then J looked again and said , " I do see some brains in there ! " What goofs : ) Today we came over to my dad 's house and on the way there we talked about the kids great grandparents who passed away last year . It turned into a conversation about divorce because GG wanted to know why she had so many grandparents and why my mom and dad didn 't have the same last name . I didn 't think I was going to having this conversation with her . . . ever . But I did . The last couple of nights we had fun , Thursday night we went to Starbucks after we dropped the kids off at Cubbies . It was the one our babysitter works at and so she got us a good deal . She is a really great kid . Very talented artist too . Then last night we went over to the I 's house . . . GG 's future in - laws ! One of the twins likes her and so does the one her age . I honestly wouldn 't have a problem if they got married . We had a good time talking while the kids played . Movie recommendation : Sky High . It was a really cute / cheesy kids movie that had no bad words . It was rated PG which we don 't really let the kids watch but after we watched it we both agreed that it is an acceptable movie for our children . Oh my goodness I was not happy with GG this morning . She woke up at 6am wanting to watch tv , I told her to go back to bed because she had another 1 1 / 2 to sleep before we needed to get up and get ready for school . Of course , she didn 't go back to bed but started playing with her polly pockets . Now it wouldn 't be such a big deal , but today is a really long day for a girl who normally goes to be at 7 : 30 at the latest , she has Cubbies tonight and that doesn 't end until 8 : 30 . I told her that after school she was going to have to take a nap . . . guess how long it took her to finally " let herself " fall asleep ? I say " let herself " because she was completely fighting it . I put her down at 1 and she went to sleep at 3 , yes 2 hours she laid in her bed calling out and telling me she had already slept . For some reason she thinks that she can take a nap for 10 minutes ! I haven 't made her take a nap in almost a year now , she does normally have to take rests on Thursdays but since she was up so early I * made * her take one . Her Cubbie leaders will thank me . So it is now after 4 and she hasn 't even started her homework and she is sleeping right now . After I post I am going to go wake her up and have her do the homework which will take all the time before dinner . That is ok tonight because we are having a pot roast so I can work with her and not have to be doing other things . . . and J is home to tend to the boys . Monkey and I just got done playing Mr . Mouth , it is a really cute game the kids got for Christmas , J took Red to the movie store for some Daddy and Red time so I got out some playdough for Monkey so I could update . I love listening to him play and his imagination ! Speaking of Monkey he did the funniest thing the other day . We had gone to the store and one of the things we got was toilet paper . J asked him to take it to the bathroom and just set it down . Well a few minutes later I went into the bathroom and I opened the cabinet to get a new roll out because one was needed . It looked like someone had just thrown the rolls into tPosted by I took a look to see what was on the schedule for the spirit week and tomorrow is slipper / stuffed animal day and Friday is school spirit / crazy hair day . So I think those two days will be easy . Today is J 's first day off and that is always a great time as family bonding goes . We were going to take the kids sledding but GG had ear issues today at school but seems to be doing fine now . I just don 't want to risk her getting an ear infection from the strong wind we are having here . We thought about taking the kids skating but we are in limbo with that decision as well . I just got back from running errands ( paying bills ) and J and the kids played games while I was gone . Now they are cleaning their rooms so I thought I would update real quick before blogger has it 's scheduled outage . I 'm outta here . . . is a little song we like to sing in our house ! Except we substitute the word Barbara with one of the kids name mostly Red 's because he is usually the one I sing too . But the other kids names fit in nicely too ! It is from the Veggie Tales in case you think it sounds familiar and you just can 't place it . Red Manity . . . ManityYou are the one for me . . . one for meSent from up above . . . up aboveYou are the one I love . . . one I loveAs you can see it is a great song to sing to a child , especially a baby : ) This weekend we went to a birthday party and the older two kids got pixie sticks in their goody bags . They have never eaten one of them before so I let them have them after dinner . We ordered pizza and GG my little piggy ate 5 pieces and Monkey ate 3 , which is as much as I ate . I decided they ate so good I would give them a treat . It was hilarious . I poured it in their mouths . It was so much sugar they didn 't know what to do with it ! It was a good laugh . Today was mix ' n ' match or backwards day . Let me take a minute to paint you a picture of GlamorGirl 's outfit ! She had on a long sleeve turtle neck with red and white stripes , on top of that she had a green t - shirt with pink sleeves that said Irish in pink letters in the middle , she had on purple pants with a white stripe down the sides , a yellow sock on one foot , a blue sock on the other , a white shoe on one foot and a black shoe on the other . She was looking pretty good ! Tomorrow is Super Hero day and she wants to be Violet from the Incredibles . So we got a bunch of her clothes that were black and red and made a costume that will work . I colored an incredible sign to put on her so people know who she is , not like she won 't tell them ! The next day is occupation day and I think that she is going to borrow Monkey 's dress up outfit of a Train Conductor . That is all I have planned so far I need to figure out the rest of the week . I 'll let you know what she did at a later date because I am drawing a blank as to what the theme is for those days . Yesterday I was playing Polly Pockets with GG and I was looking through all her shoes to see if she even had matches to them all and she ended up with two without a match . I asked her if we should throw them away and her response was , " No , because I can use the shoes for a Silly Wacky Wednesday day like I have at school . " I thought that was pretty creative of her . They don 't have that for a month but they have talked about it at school , she had no idea that today was mix n match day because I forgot and remembered after she had gone to bed . So I picked out her crazy outfit while she was sleeping . Cute story : Monkey got roller skates for Christmas , the kind that you wear shoes with , well he has been putting them on the last couple of days and skating around on the carpet . Apparently he thought he was getting good and decided that he was going to try the tile . I told him to be careful and this is what he said , " Look mom , I 'm not going to fall . " No sooner did he get those words ouPosted by Yesterday we got up early for the kids ' friends birthday party . We had to drive an hour away , about 2 minutes before we needed to leave to make it there on time Red throw up all over the floor and himself . So I called the family to let them know what happened and to see if they still wanted us to come , it was just mucus that he threw up . I think the snot settling into his tummy made him feel sick . They told us to still come so I cleaned him and floor up and we left . While at the party he threw up all over J and my lunch . Don 't ask it was a very freak thing . . . J was holding him and when he started to throw up he turned him towards where my food was sitting . So that made two . Then we got home and J left shortly after for work . I was getting the kids some dinner and I was hold Red and out came number 3 all over the kitchen floor . At least it was easy to clean up . No sooner then I cleaned that up he did it again and then a minute later again . Making the total 5 times . I called J to tell him I was not taking Red to church tomorrow because he had been throwing up . I sat down to eat my food and I had him in my lap facing the side and once again he threw up making that the last time for the night . He slept fine all night and this morning I was so tempted to just take him to church because I REALLY wanted to go . J thought it best for us to stay home so we did . He has been fine all morning . I just hope that was the end of it because I am so completely ready for him to be 100 % better . I discovered a technique that has proven to be very effective . It has saved us twice now . The first time with Monkey and the second time with Red . I 'll explain . . . I have realized that nighttime parenting can be very stressful when an accident / throwing up is involved . Just night waking is fine but when you have to strip down a bed and then put new covers on , it can be a lot for someone who isn 't completely awake . So this is what I have come up with , I put a fitted sheet on the bed with a towel in the spot of the most likely problem area ( Red would be up by his mouth and Monkey in the middle where he might pee ) then the mattress pad and then another sheet over top of that . The reason for this is when the first sheet gets soiled you just have to remove it and the mattress pad and the bed is still made ! You simply lay the child back down on the towel that is already there ! Then if they soil the towel , it is much easier to change then a fitted sheet . At first I was just using the towel on top of the sheet but it would get messed up to easy and so I figured this way would be better , plus you never know when they will get sick or have an accident , this way you are prepared always . J called last night , the calm before the storm ! Yes , early this morning after Red slept so good until about 5 : 30am when he then threw up all over the bed . I changed him while J ripped off the bedding then we went back to sleep . It was great . I got the most sleep in one night than I have in about 5 days last night . So today has been major cleaning and sorting through things that we don 't need anymore . Feels good to finally get to that stuff . Yesterday was very busy . . . in the morning Red and I had Bible study . Then we got the kids and ate lunch , headed over to GG 's doctor 's appointment . Then home so GG could do her homework which we had just enough time . Then back in the car to get J from school and off to get GG 's pictures taken . Then to Dinorex ! That was a lot of fun and their pizza wasn 't bad . I think next time we go I will definitely print off the coupons for getting the wrist bands . Then home , bath , bedtime routine and then to bed . In more detail GG 's doctors appointment . . . just to get an idea of what a little peanut she really is she weighed 38 pounds and was 42 inches . I had them weigh Monkey too and he was 36 pounds . I couldn 't believe there was only 2 pounds difference ! Two nights ago on GG 's birthday I tucked her into bed and told her about the day I gave birth to her , it has become our tradition and she LOVES to hear about the day she was born . So I was telling her and she says . " Did I come out of your butt ? " I said , " No " . After I was done with her I got out her scrapbook and J and I sat on the couch looking over all the pictures of her as a baby . We talked about what a joy and blessing she has been in our lives as a baby and now as a big girl , who can do so much stuff . It has been so cool and neat to see her grow up . And she is still growing . I remember for about the first 3 weeks of her life I would just lay in bed and watch her sleep . J would always tell me to go to sleep but I caught him watching her sleep too . I still go in her room and watch her sleep ! Last night was about the 4th night now that Red has had a hard time sleeping because he is sick with a runny nose and it makes it hard for him to breathe laying down . So we have to hold him . J knew how tired I was because apparently when I get too tired I become spacey . The last few nights J has slept with Monkey so that he can sleep , which I recommended because it is no good if we are both sleep deprived ! Last night about 2am Red was crying and it was probably the 3 time he had woken up Posted by Every night before bed I pray with the kids well J was home last night so he prayed with GlamorGirl first , then I did . He told her that tonight would be the last night she would be 4 and she said , " Tomorrow I will be a whole hand ! " It was cute . So today everytime we want the kids to give us a high five we say give me a " GG " . Also last night after I got the streamers hung up and J blew up all the balloons to put on GG 's room she woke up to go potty . It was about 11 : 15 and she called my name and then started to walk into my room . I redirected her to the bathroom where J was getting out of the shower because he had just cut his hair . She pulled down her pj bottoms and started to sit on the toilet . J told her , " GG don 't forget to pull your undies down too . " So she started to take off her shirt . She was so out of it , I helped her get her undies down and wiped her and then put her back to bed . I kissed her and told her " that was the last time you are going to pee as a 4 year old ! " This morning when she woke up and saw the streamers , balloons and birthday cards hanging on her door she was super excited we almost didn 't get her to school on time . I love seeing her face light up with excitement like that . Then J , Red and I came to school at 10 : 30 with her birthday treat , ice cream sandwiches , and got to sing Happy Birthday with her class . When school was over we got the kids and headed over to Dinorex were she wanted to eat but they were closed . So we took her to her second choice , Photo 's , and they gave her a birthday sundae ! She was pretty tickled about that . We came home and gave her the last of her presents . . . another 100 puzzles , which she is doing right now , and she got more birthday cards and phone calls ! She is such a blessing even though she is sometimes difficult ! I love her so much . So GlamorGirl will be 5 tomorrow , yes she will be a whole hand ! ! ! She is doing her homework right now and decided that writing her name isn 't good enough anymore . She has taught herself how to write it in cursive , and she does a pretty good job too . I think she is always going to want to know or learn more . . . she has so far in her short 5 years . In the past week I have called three different people and there responses were one of two , " I was just thinking about you and was going to call you . " Or " I was just going to call you . " I found that somewhat random ! I am totally excited , GG came home with this book challenge given from Six Flags . The goal is for each student to read or be read to 6 hours by Feb something . If she accomplishes that goal she will receive a free admission ticket to Six Flags . I smell either daddy / daughter date or mother / daughter bonding time . We have already read 1 hour in two days . It is so easy to reach that goal because we read to the kids ALL the time . Oh yeah it is recreational reading so homework isn 't included . The one thing I love about that school is they encourage kids to read , big time . GG has been doing " Book it " through Pizza Hut for about 4 months now . Next year will be cool because Monkey will be apart of the reading programs too . Another random thought . . . our friends , Jason and Kristy , that have been married for 6 1 / 2 years are pregnant with their first baby ! ! ! J grew up with this couple and I have known them for almost 10 years it is really neat to see them expecting ! It almost makes me want to have another one but I said ALMOST , I 'm good for now ; ) Here is a very interesting quote and one that I agree with ! " The longer I live , the more I realize the impact of attitude on life . . . The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day . We cannot change the inevitable . The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have , and that is our attitude . . . I am convinced that life is 10 % what happens to me and 90 % how I react to it . And so it is with you . . . We are in charge of our attitudes . " ~ Charles SwindollThe funny thing about this quote is that it was put in package J had ordered from a snowboarding company . The company moto is " Attitude is Everything " and it was followed by this quote . But it definitely came in handy this morning after getting very little sleep because Red is either teething or getting sick , either way I didn 't get much sleep . I decided to embrace a good attitude and go to church and today has been great . I don 't even really feel that tired ! So last night I was in a spontaneous mood . For dinner we had pot roast that I had started earlier in the day and we ate it as a picnic in the living room . Then we laid out blankets and got our pillows and blankets from our rooms and watched Incredibles as we camped out . It was fun all 3 of the kids fell asleep while the movie was playing as did I . However , I did end up putting the kids in their beds because I was cold on the floor in the living room so I thought they would probably be too . The highlights of today : ~ I got a new bra at the Mall to replace the one that broke ! ~ we got a hot pretzel while we were there so the kids could taste it and we also walked through the Rainforest Cafe , that 's always a treat ~ At lunch J saw one of my old college shirts and we laughed at what was written on it . ~ we were talking about my R . A . ( Resident Assistant ) and GG sounded it out and said that says " RAH " it was pretty funny ~ Red pooped out of his diaper and the only one home to help me was GG , Monkey was sleeping , she is a great help and I am so blessed to have her ! ~ tonight I have my Bible study through church and I expect it to be a blast like always and my friend Marni is coming to watch the kids and they absolutely love her . I have been telling GG for the last couple of weeks that she can bring Red in as Show and Tell but on the Friday mornings I didn 't want to get him ready to take to school . So today , of all days , rain and all I took him with so GG could tell about him . It was really cute to hear what she said about her baby brother Red ! I know that Red had fun too having GG tell her class about him and show her class how she makes him laugh : ) Then her teacher told me before I left that the other day while the kids were doing an art project GG was telling her friends in the class about " the pill " and how sometimes mommy 's take it so that they don 't have another baby . I couldn 't believe it we have never talked to her about " the pill " or what it does . I am very cautious about what she watches so I know it isn 't something she learned on tv but she is very observant so I think she might have overheard J and I talking about my needing to get a refill on my ? ! ? ! Who knows . Anyways after school GG and Monkey 's friends were going to McDonalds for lunch and invited us to go with them so we thought sure why not . Even though the thought of their food didn 't sound good to us . The things parents sacrifice for their kids . . . like eating crappy fast food so they can be with friends . While we were there my bra broke ! I have never had this happened before but the strap that goes over your shoulder and attaches to the cup ripped . It was very uncomfortable and my breast kept falling out of the cup that kept falling down ( because there was no support to keep the cup up ) so I had to wear my coat the whole time we were there . The ladies that I have playgroup with want to start scrapbooking and since I have been doing it for almost 5 years I have accumulated a lot of scrapbooking " tools " so we are going to start meeting once a week , separate from our playgroup and scrapbook . I am really excited especially because I got a really awesome new kit from Liz for Christmas and I have been wanting to use it . So tonight while the kids were at Awanas I started organizing the pictures I have and I only got half way through them . I am hoping before I go to bed tonight I have them completely sorted so that I can start up again with my scrapbooking . I love looking back at the pictures I have already done and even going through the pictures I just have laying around . It is amazing how truly fast kids grow up ! Today my Bible study started back up and it was so great to be there and learn more about biblical principles on raising children . I have really have gotten a lot out of this study so far . J and I don 't do New Years resolutions because we figure what 's the point no one ever sticks to them so when we first got married we made a resolution to never make a resolution again . And that was the first time I ever kept my resolution ! ! ! Anyways , J and I are reading the Bible in a year in chronological order . But this is not a resolution ! It is so nice to be reading it with him , we have been able to talk about what we read and talk about what we learned from the Bible that day . Another thing God has shown me how good He is , is through our house . Our bathroom drain got plugged up and wasn 't draining . Through people J knows at work we were able to get it fixed at a pretty good price . Of course , it did put a little strain on the check book but I know God will provide somehow , I trust him . But I look at our house and location and I am so amazed that we live here and are able to pay our bills every month . I also see God 's goodness in my new nephew who was born today to J 's brother Joe and his wife Virginia . He was a healthy 8lb 14oz baby boy . I just can 't wait til we can go see them , have to work the details out with J first ! I will leave you with this verse : Psalm 85 : 8 " I will hear what God the Lord will say ; For He will speak peace to His people , to His godly ones ; But let them not turn back to folly . " Over the last few days Red has taken off his pj bottoms 3 times . The first time I thought it was just a fluke but he has done it two other times . How in the world does a 7 1 / 2 month old know how to take off his pants ? ? ? I guess he just likes to be naked . He must get those * wanting to be naked * genes from his daddy ! He has been so fun lately learning new things and expressing himself more . I 'm just so glad he is apart of our family . It 's amazing how much love one person can have for another person . . . it is so natural and easy to love someone that is your parent , your child or even your sibling but to love someone who isn 't blood related is so amazing ! If you haven 't gotten it yet I am completely in love with my husband , J , and its weird to think but I love him even more with every passing day ! Sure I might not always like things he does but I always love him . From the time we got up this morning until about 5 minutes ago when I put the kids to bed we have been doing things for GlamorGirl 's 5th birthday party or playing with her new presents . Her party was from 1 - 3pm today at the school . When we got up and ready this morning Monkey and I went to get some last minute preparations plus Monkey picked GG out a gift from him . He got her a sponge Bob puzzle with 100 pieces . She had a blast at her party and received some wonderful new things . Among the gifts were but this is not everything or even close to being everything she received . . . a Cinderella dress up dress , Crocodile Dentist game , play make - up , Cinderella felt book , clothes ( all very cute ) and many many puzzles . About the puzzles J and I were talking about what we were going to get her for her birthday and I suggested to J spelled out so GG wouldn 't know what it was P . u . z . z . l . e she had this thinking face on and says , " I know what that is . . . PUZZLE ! " I couldn 't believe it the little stinker sounded it out . I guess spelling things out , so the kids don 't know what we are talking about , around GG is over . After the party and clean up we came back to the house ( with friends from out of town ) and GG built the puzzle ( 51 pieces ) of the United States that J and I got her and she didn 't need any help which I was surprised because it wasn 't a normal puzzle where the pieces fit into each other it had a boarder and an empty middle in the shape of the US and each state was it 's own piece except for the really small states , they got lumped together with another state or two . Then we played the crocodile game about a million times they loved it . Then she wanted to build the puzzle Monkey got her and I thought she might have difficulty with that one as well because it was 100 pieces but she did it all by herself ! She has to take after me because J does not like puzzles but I love them . Then for bedtime stories we read her new books she got and played another game . Needless to say , we had a very fun filled and busy day . GG 's real birtPosted by During lunch today I decided I wanted to see if I could trick Monkey into thinking he had popcorn growing in his ear ! I showed him my empty hand and then put a piece of popcorn in it quickly before I reached for his ear . I pulled out a piece of popcorn every time . He was laughing so hard I thought he was going to pee his pants . GG got concerned and examined Monkey 's ear very carefully and then laughed when it kept coming out ! Monkey kept saying to me , " But I don 't feel any popcorn in my ear ! " It was a pretty silly lunch today : ) The kids didn 't go to school this morning because we had a dentist appointment . It was Monkey 's first time getting his teeth cleaned and I must say he did a great job . He did keep asking if it was going to hurt and the nurse who cleaned his teeth was very patient and kind with him . I stayed with him while he was being worked on and GlamorGirl was in the room with J while he got his teeth cleaned . Then it was my turn and I needed to get a full set of x - rays done . That was horrible . They took 18 shots of my teeth . Six on each side of my mouth and three on the top front and three on the bottom front . By the time my teeth were done being x - rayed GG was done and she wanted to watch me get my teeth cleaned and of course I said , " Sure ! " Well let me tell you I think that was a big mistake . Here I am on the chair with my mouth wide open and the nurse has her hands in my mouth cleaning my teeth . GG is standing right next to the chair and I bet she couldn 't get any closer to my mouth with her face if she tried . She was so interested in seeing what the nurse was doing . It was really kind of funny . Then the nurse was polishing my teeth and she took her foot off of the pedal , that makes the brush spin , to get more polish on the brush . All of a sudden we hear the brush going and the polish is flying all over the room . GG had stepped on the pedal making it spin when it wasn 't in my mouth ! It took us a few seconds to figure it was her . Then after the nurse was done the dentist came in the room and GG stepped on it again . At least the second time there was nothing on the brush to do any harm . As far as I know none of us had any cavities . . . that is always great news . When I was growing up whenever we went to the dentist we always went out to eat afterwards either at a restaurant with our dentist or to eat back at the dentist 's house . He and my dad wrestled together in high school so they were pretty good friends , hints the reason we would go back to his house after our appointments : ) The kids got paint books for Christmas , the kind that have water colors . We normally do the paint with water , a lot less messy ! I got each of the kids a cup of water and told them not to use too much or the paper would get soaked . Next thing I know Monkey has the cup and is asking , " Is this too much water ? " As he is pouring it onto the page . I was like " What are you doing ? " Then I explained to him that he was supposed to dip the brush into the water and then in the paint so he could paint , as I was laughing historically . Water was everywhere . . . on the table , floor , and his pants . At least it was just water ! After he figured out how to use the paint he was fine . It didn 't even dawn on me to explain how to use the paints because he uses them at school so I really don 't know what was going through his head today . But it was pretty funny . To change the topic real quick . I have been being bugged by members of my family , I won 't name names , about Red eating real food . He sits on my lap during dinner most nights and he doesn 't even grab at the food . He does watch it go from my plate to my mouth but that is it . It is recommended that you wait until the baby shows interest in food by grabbing at it , not just watching . Well today J read over my LLL meeting papers about starting solids . He thinks Red is ready too , because of the ages listed not by the readiness cues . But I am the mom and I 'm telling you he IS NOT ready . So to prove my point I cut up a green bean tonight and put it on Red 's tray . He picked one piece up smashed it in his hands and then threw it on the floor . The rest of it was just played with and none of it went anywhere near his mouth . And the only reason he picked up the first piece is because I pointed it out to him . He is not ready or he would of put it in his mouth . My guess is that he will want to eat real food in about 2 months . But I am going to go by his cues not the books ! ! ! ! I will finish with saying he will get to eat real food when he is ready . We didn 't get home until 1pm from the party we went too on New Years Eve . So on Sunday the 1st we had a difficult time getting up and getting ready . We got to church right at 9 : 30 when it started and they had already began singing . I told J I would take the kids to children 's church and then go up stairs with Red . I had all 3 kids and we headed downstairs . All the rooms were dark , even the nursery . Oh no I thought no childcare . I guess I have to take them to the mother 's room with me . Now if you don 't go to our church you wouldn 't understand how small this room is so let me try and paint you a picture . It is big enough for about 8 to 10 rocking chairs to be lined up next to each other and about 3 chairs deep . That is it in a nutshell . When we walk in we see Al and his 3 girls ages 2 , 5 , & 7 , Jen and her 3 kids ages 10 months , 4 , & 6 , Dan and Anne and their little baby boy and the pastor 's wife and their little girl . Then us ! It was crowded and LOUD ! I didn 't hear any of the service and we got told to keep the kids quiet twice . It was unreal there was nothing for them to do . At one point Monkey walked over to the window that looks down on the congregation and with two fists pounds on the window and screams , " THIS IS BORING ! THIS IS BORING ! " I , of course , stopped him but it was already done . Then I found out that the pastor 's wife had told him what Monkey had said good thing he is young and has a good sense of humor ! And knew it was because Monkey was bored out of his mind and not because his sermon was boring : ) |
Today at school GG got to be the Bible teacher 's special helper . She was so excited about it last night that I didn 't think she was ever going to fall asleep . I guess this is something new they just started and she was the second one chosen . She has really excelled this year in school . I can 't believe she is reading . It is so cool to listen to her read ! ! ! This was what she read today for homework . . . Mother had to ask Pam to help . The task is to help Bill . Pam must give Bill his lunch . The lunch is in the cup . Pam has a mug , too . Milk is in the mug . It is fun to help Bill . Bill is glad . Pam is glad to help Mother and Bill . It is absolutely amazing to hear her read this , I don 't think I was doing this type of reading until I was at least in 1st grade . She has also made some really good friends . She is my little extrovert : ) We are about ready to go to a wake for J 's aunt who passed away a couple of days ago . We have prepared the children for what is going to take place . GG is so sweet she wanted to color a picture to put in the casket . . . she has never even met this aunt . We decided it would be a better idea to color one for grandpa because it was his sister . She hates to see people sad so it should be interesting to see her compassion come out today to people she hasn 't met before or only once before . She is so caring towards others . . . just one of the reasons I love that little girl so much ! ! ! The first was something J and I learned about Red . He does not like dogs . We were at the Irwin 's house and their neighbors came over to show them their new dog . J took Red over to the dog so he could get a closer look . Red started to cry . I just thought it was a fluke because the door was opened and I thought he was cold . Well then on Saturday we went to my dad 's house and they have a dog . Red watched her the whole time we were there . The dog even jumped up on the couch we were sitting on and then jumped back down , Red started shacking and then cried , that completely freaked him out . Then last night the kids and I were watching America 's Funniest Home Videos and they had a segment with dogs . . . Red cried when he saw them . I am really hoping he will out grow that because during the summer when we are outside there are tons of dogs that walk down our street and Jack ( our neighbor ) feeds them and usually lets the kids do it ! The second lesson learned was for GlamorGirl . That is you have unacceptable behavior at school you will have to ask for forgiveness . Friday she spent the day in KAP J was subbing and she wanted to stay . I thought I 'll just stick around for the pep assembly . . . I really wanted to see a pep assembly at a Christian school . So I brought Monkey lunch at school and had him take a nap with the kids who stay all day . While he was sleeping I went to see GG to do her reading with her . Wanted to get it done because we were going to the I 's for dinner . Well this is when she was bad . She started screaming and throwing a fit . . . I know . . . I know my little girl ? But she is so sweet . Well she let out some true colors that day . All of the teachers in that wing stopped class to come check out the noise in the hallway . They thought someone was being hurt . No it was just GG not wanting to read the right lesson , and being stubborn . I told her she could do the right homework now or we can just do it at home . I finally got her settled down with help from her teacher telling her that she is suppose to do the lesson I had told Posted by J was rubbing Monkey 's head and told him it was a brain sucker , do you know what it is doing ? Monkey shock his head no . J said , " Starving " Then he asked Monkey if that meant he had no brains ? Monkey said , " Yes , I have no brains . " I stepped in and said , " That 's not true . You have brains in your head . " So J looked into his ears . And said I don 't see any brains but I see popcorn . Remember the day I was pulling popcorn out of his ear ? ! ? ! We all just laughed . Then J looked again and said , " I do see some brains in there ! " What goofs : ) Today we came over to my dad 's house and on the way there we talked about the kids great grandparents who passed away last year . It turned into a conversation about divorce because GG wanted to know why she had so many grandparents and why my mom and dad didn 't have the same last name . I didn 't think I was going to having this conversation with her . . . ever . But I did . The last couple of nights we had fun , Thursday night we went to Starbucks after we dropped the kids off at Cubbies . It was the one our babysitter works at and so she got us a good deal . She is a really great kid . Very talented artist too . Then last night we went over to the I 's house . . . GG 's future in - laws ! One of the twins likes her and so does the one her age . I honestly wouldn 't have a problem if they got married . We had a good time talking while the kids played . Movie recommendation : Sky High . It was a really cute / cheesy kids movie that had no bad words . It was rated PG which we don 't really let the kids watch but after we watched it we both agreed that it is an acceptable movie for our children . Oh my goodness I was not happy with GG this morning . She woke up at 6am wanting to watch tv , I told her to go back to bed because she had another 1 1 / 2 to sleep before we needed to get up and get ready for school . Of course , she didn 't go back to bed but started playing with her polly pockets . Now it wouldn 't be such a big deal , but today is a really long day for a girl who normally goes to be at 7 : 30 at the latest , she has Cubbies tonight and that doesn 't end until 8 : 30 . I told her that after school she was going to have to take a nap . . . guess how long it took her to finally " let herself " fall asleep ? I say " let herself " because she was completely fighting it . I put her down at 1 and she went to sleep at 3 , yes 2 hours she laid in her bed calling out and telling me she had already slept . For some reason she thinks that she can take a nap for 10 minutes ! I haven 't made her take a nap in almost a year now , she does normally have to take rests on Thursdays but since she was up so early I * made * her take one . Her Cubbie leaders will thank me . So it is now after 4 and she hasn 't even started her homework and she is sleeping right now . After I post I am going to go wake her up and have her do the homework which will take all the time before dinner . That is ok tonight because we are having a pot roast so I can work with her and not have to be doing other things . . . and J is home to tend to the boys . Monkey and I just got done playing Mr . Mouth , it is a really cute game the kids got for Christmas , J took Red to the movie store for some Daddy and Red time so I got out some playdough for Monkey so I could update . I love listening to him play and his imagination ! Speaking of Monkey he did the funniest thing the other day . We had gone to the store and one of the things we got was toilet paper . J asked him to take it to the bathroom and just set it down . Well a few minutes later I went into the bathroom and I opened the cabinet to get a new roll out because one was needed . It looked like someone had just thrown the rolls into tPosted by I took a look to see what was on the schedule for the spirit week and tomorrow is slipper / stuffed animal day and Friday is school spirit / crazy hair day . So I think those two days will be easy . Today is J 's first day off and that is always a great time as family bonding goes . We were going to take the kids sledding but GG had ear issues today at school but seems to be doing fine now . I just don 't want to risk her getting an ear infection from the strong wind we are having here . We thought about taking the kids skating but we are in limbo with that decision as well . I just got back from running errands ( paying bills ) and J and the kids played games while I was gone . Now they are cleaning their rooms so I thought I would update real quick before blogger has it 's scheduled outage . I 'm outta here . . . is a little song we like to sing in our house ! Except we substitute the word Barbara with one of the kids name mostly Red 's because he is usually the one I sing too . But the other kids names fit in nicely too ! It is from the Veggie Tales in case you think it sounds familiar and you just can 't place it . Red Manity . . . ManityYou are the one for me . . . one for meSent from up above . . . up aboveYou are the one I love . . . one I loveAs you can see it is a great song to sing to a child , especially a baby : ) This weekend we went to a birthday party and the older two kids got pixie sticks in their goody bags . They have never eaten one of them before so I let them have them after dinner . We ordered pizza and GG my little piggy ate 5 pieces and Monkey ate 3 , which is as much as I ate . I decided they ate so good I would give them a treat . It was hilarious . I poured it in their mouths . It was so much sugar they didn 't know what to do with it ! It was a good laugh . Today was mix ' n ' match or backwards day . Let me take a minute to paint you a picture of GlamorGirl 's outfit ! She had on a long sleeve turtle neck with red and white stripes , on top of that she had a green t - shirt with pink sleeves that said Irish in pink letters in the middle , she had on purple pants with a white stripe down the sides , a yellow sock on one foot , a blue sock on the other , a white shoe on one foot and a black shoe on the other . She was looking pretty good ! Tomorrow is Super Hero day and she wants to be Violet from the Incredibles . So we got a bunch of her clothes that were black and red and made a costume that will work . I colored an incredible sign to put on her so people know who she is , not like she won 't tell them ! The next day is occupation day and I think that she is going to borrow Monkey 's dress up outfit of a Train Conductor . That is all I have planned so far I need to figure out the rest of the week . I 'll let you know what she did at a later date because I am drawing a blank as to what the theme is for those days . Yesterday I was playing Polly Pockets with GG and I was looking through all her shoes to see if she even had matches to them all and she ended up with two without a match . I asked her if we should throw them away and her response was , " No , because I can use the shoes for a Silly Wacky Wednesday day like I have at school . " I thought that was pretty creative of her . They don 't have that for a month but they have talked about it at school , she had no idea that today was mix n match day because I forgot and remembered after she had gone to bed . So I picked out her crazy outfit while she was sleeping . Cute story : Monkey got roller skates for Christmas , the kind that you wear shoes with , well he has been putting them on the last couple of days and skating around on the carpet . Apparently he thought he was getting good and decided that he was going to try the tile . I told him to be careful and this is what he said , " Look mom , I 'm not going to fall . " No sooner did he get those words ouPosted by Yesterday we got up early for the kids ' friends birthday party . We had to drive an hour away , about 2 minutes before we needed to leave to make it there on time Red throw up all over the floor and himself . So I called the family to let them know what happened and to see if they still wanted us to come , it was just mucus that he threw up . I think the snot settling into his tummy made him feel sick . They told us to still come so I cleaned him and floor up and we left . While at the party he threw up all over J and my lunch . Don 't ask it was a very freak thing . . . J was holding him and when he started to throw up he turned him towards where my food was sitting . So that made two . Then we got home and J left shortly after for work . I was getting the kids some dinner and I was hold Red and out came number 3 all over the kitchen floor . At least it was easy to clean up . No sooner then I cleaned that up he did it again and then a minute later again . Making the total 5 times . I called J to tell him I was not taking Red to church tomorrow because he had been throwing up . I sat down to eat my food and I had him in my lap facing the side and once again he threw up making that the last time for the night . He slept fine all night and this morning I was so tempted to just take him to church because I REALLY wanted to go . J thought it best for us to stay home so we did . He has been fine all morning . I just hope that was the end of it because I am so completely ready for him to be 100 % better . I discovered a technique that has proven to be very effective . It has saved us twice now . The first time with Monkey and the second time with Red . I 'll explain . . . I have realized that nighttime parenting can be very stressful when an accident / throwing up is involved . Just night waking is fine but when you have to strip down a bed and then put new covers on , it can be a lot for someone who isn 't completely awake . So this is what I have come up with , I put a fitted sheet on the bed with a towel in the spot of the most likely problem area ( Red would be up by his mouth and Monkey in the middle where he might pee ) then the mattress pad and then another sheet over top of that . The reason for this is when the first sheet gets soiled you just have to remove it and the mattress pad and the bed is still made ! You simply lay the child back down on the towel that is already there ! Then if they soil the towel , it is much easier to change then a fitted sheet . At first I was just using the towel on top of the sheet but it would get messed up to easy and so I figured this way would be better , plus you never know when they will get sick or have an accident , this way you are prepared always . J called last night , the calm before the storm ! Yes , early this morning after Red slept so good until about 5 : 30am when he then threw up all over the bed . I changed him while J ripped off the bedding then we went back to sleep . It was great . I got the most sleep in one night than I have in about 5 days last night . So today has been major cleaning and sorting through things that we don 't need anymore . Feels good to finally get to that stuff . Yesterday was very busy . . . in the morning Red and I had Bible study . Then we got the kids and ate lunch , headed over to GG 's doctor 's appointment . Then home so GG could do her homework which we had just enough time . Then back in the car to get J from school and off to get GG 's pictures taken . Then to Dinorex ! That was a lot of fun and their pizza wasn 't bad . I think next time we go I will definitely print off the coupons for getting the wrist bands . Then home , bath , bedtime routine and then to bed . In more detail GG 's doctors appointment . . . just to get an idea of what a little peanut she really is she weighed 38 pounds and was 42 inches . I had them weigh Monkey too and he was 36 pounds . I couldn 't believe there was only 2 pounds difference ! Two nights ago on GG 's birthday I tucked her into bed and told her about the day I gave birth to her , it has become our tradition and she LOVES to hear about the day she was born . So I was telling her and she says . " Did I come out of your butt ? " I said , " No " . After I was done with her I got out her scrapbook and J and I sat on the couch looking over all the pictures of her as a baby . We talked about what a joy and blessing she has been in our lives as a baby and now as a big girl , who can do so much stuff . It has been so cool and neat to see her grow up . And she is still growing . I remember for about the first 3 weeks of her life I would just lay in bed and watch her sleep . J would always tell me to go to sleep but I caught him watching her sleep too . I still go in her room and watch her sleep ! Last night was about the 4th night now that Red has had a hard time sleeping because he is sick with a runny nose and it makes it hard for him to breathe laying down . So we have to hold him . J knew how tired I was because apparently when I get too tired I become spacey . The last few nights J has slept with Monkey so that he can sleep , which I recommended because it is no good if we are both sleep deprived ! Last night about 2am Red was crying and it was probably the 3 time he had woken up Posted by Every night before bed I pray with the kids well J was home last night so he prayed with GlamorGirl first , then I did . He told her that tonight would be the last night she would be 4 and she said , " Tomorrow I will be a whole hand ! " It was cute . So today everytime we want the kids to give us a high five we say give me a " GG " . Also last night after I got the streamers hung up and J blew up all the balloons to put on GG 's room she woke up to go potty . It was about 11 : 15 and she called my name and then started to walk into my room . I redirected her to the bathroom where J was getting out of the shower because he had just cut his hair . She pulled down her pj bottoms and started to sit on the toilet . J told her , " GG don 't forget to pull your undies down too . " So she started to take off her shirt . She was so out of it , I helped her get her undies down and wiped her and then put her back to bed . I kissed her and told her " that was the last time you are going to pee as a 4 year old ! " This morning when she woke up and saw the streamers , balloons and birthday cards hanging on her door she was super excited we almost didn 't get her to school on time . I love seeing her face light up with excitement like that . Then J , Red and I came to school at 10 : 30 with her birthday treat , ice cream sandwiches , and got to sing Happy Birthday with her class . When school was over we got the kids and headed over to Dinorex were she wanted to eat but they were closed . So we took her to her second choice , Photo 's , and they gave her a birthday sundae ! She was pretty tickled about that . We came home and gave her the last of her presents . . . another 100 puzzles , which she is doing right now , and she got more birthday cards and phone calls ! She is such a blessing even though she is sometimes difficult ! I love her so much . So GlamorGirl will be 5 tomorrow , yes she will be a whole hand ! ! ! She is doing her homework right now and decided that writing her name isn 't good enough anymore . She has taught herself how to write it in cursive , and she does a pretty good job too . I think she is always going to want to know or learn more . . . she has so far in her short 5 years . In the past week I have called three different people and there responses were one of two , " I was just thinking about you and was going to call you . " Or " I was just going to call you . " I found that somewhat random ! I am totally excited , GG came home with this book challenge given from Six Flags . The goal is for each student to read or be read to 6 hours by Feb something . If she accomplishes that goal she will receive a free admission ticket to Six Flags . I smell either daddy / daughter date or mother / daughter bonding time . We have already read 1 hour in two days . It is so easy to reach that goal because we read to the kids ALL the time . Oh yeah it is recreational reading so homework isn 't included . The one thing I love about that school is they encourage kids to read , big time . GG has been doing " Book it " through Pizza Hut for about 4 months now . Next year will be cool because Monkey will be apart of the reading programs too . Another random thought . . . our friends , Jason and Kristy , that have been married for 6 1 / 2 years are pregnant with their first baby ! ! ! J grew up with this couple and I have known them for almost 10 years it is really neat to see them expecting ! It almost makes me want to have another one but I said ALMOST , I 'm good for now ; ) Here is a very interesting quote and one that I agree with ! " The longer I live , the more I realize the impact of attitude on life . . . The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day . We cannot change the inevitable . The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have , and that is our attitude . . . I am convinced that life is 10 % what happens to me and 90 % how I react to it . And so it is with you . . . We are in charge of our attitudes . " ~ Charles SwindollThe funny thing about this quote is that it was put in package J had ordered from a snowboarding company . The company moto is " Attitude is Everything " and it was followed by this quote . But it definitely came in handy this morning after getting very little sleep because Red is either teething or getting sick , either way I didn 't get much sleep . I decided to embrace a good attitude and go to church and today has been great . I don 't even really feel that tired ! So last night I was in a spontaneous mood . For dinner we had pot roast that I had started earlier in the day and we ate it as a picnic in the living room . Then we laid out blankets and got our pillows and blankets from our rooms and watched Incredibles as we camped out . It was fun all 3 of the kids fell asleep while the movie was playing as did I . However , I did end up putting the kids in their beds because I was cold on the floor in the living room so I thought they would probably be too . The highlights of today : ~ I got a new bra at the Mall to replace the one that broke ! ~ we got a hot pretzel while we were there so the kids could taste it and we also walked through the Rainforest Cafe , that 's always a treat ~ At lunch J saw one of my old college shirts and we laughed at what was written on it . ~ we were talking about my R . A . ( Resident Assistant ) and GG sounded it out and said that says " RAH " it was pretty funny ~ Red pooped out of his diaper and the only one home to help me was GG , Monkey was sleeping , she is a great help and I am so blessed to have her ! ~ tonight I have my Bible study through church and I expect it to be a blast like always and my friend Marni is coming to watch the kids and they absolutely love her . I have been telling GG for the last couple of weeks that she can bring Red in as Show and Tell but on the Friday mornings I didn 't want to get him ready to take to school . So today , of all days , rain and all I took him with so GG could tell about him . It was really cute to hear what she said about her baby brother Red ! I know that Red had fun too having GG tell her class about him and show her class how she makes him laugh : ) Then her teacher told me before I left that the other day while the kids were doing an art project GG was telling her friends in the class about " the pill " and how sometimes mommy 's take it so that they don 't have another baby . I couldn 't believe it we have never talked to her about " the pill " or what it does . I am very cautious about what she watches so I know it isn 't something she learned on tv but she is very observant so I think she might have overheard J and I talking about my needing to get a refill on my ? ! ? ! Who knows . Anyways after school GG and Monkey 's friends were going to McDonalds for lunch and invited us to go with them so we thought sure why not . Even though the thought of their food didn 't sound good to us . The things parents sacrifice for their kids . . . like eating crappy fast food so they can be with friends . While we were there my bra broke ! I have never had this happened before but the strap that goes over your shoulder and attaches to the cup ripped . It was very uncomfortable and my breast kept falling out of the cup that kept falling down ( because there was no support to keep the cup up ) so I had to wear my coat the whole time we were there . The ladies that I have playgroup with want to start scrapbooking and since I have been doing it for almost 5 years I have accumulated a lot of scrapbooking " tools " so we are going to start meeting once a week , separate from our playgroup and scrapbook . I am really excited especially because I got a really awesome new kit from Liz for Christmas and I have been wanting to use it . So tonight while the kids were at Awanas I started organizing the pictures I have and I only got half way through them . I am hoping before I go to bed tonight I have them completely sorted so that I can start up again with my scrapbooking . I love looking back at the pictures I have already done and even going through the pictures I just have laying around . It is amazing how truly fast kids grow up ! Today my Bible study started back up and it was so great to be there and learn more about biblical principles on raising children . I have really have gotten a lot out of this study so far . J and I don 't do New Years resolutions because we figure what 's the point no one ever sticks to them so when we first got married we made a resolution to never make a resolution again . And that was the first time I ever kept my resolution ! ! ! Anyways , J and I are reading the Bible in a year in chronological order . But this is not a resolution ! It is so nice to be reading it with him , we have been able to talk about what we read and talk about what we learned from the Bible that day . Another thing God has shown me how good He is , is through our house . Our bathroom drain got plugged up and wasn 't draining . Through people J knows at work we were able to get it fixed at a pretty good price . Of course , it did put a little strain on the check book but I know God will provide somehow , I trust him . But I look at our house and location and I am so amazed that we live here and are able to pay our bills every month . I also see God 's goodness in my new nephew who was born today to J 's brother Joe and his wife Virginia . He was a healthy 8lb 14oz baby boy . I just can 't wait til we can go see them , have to work the details out with J first ! I will leave you with this verse : Psalm 85 : 8 " I will hear what God the Lord will say ; For He will speak peace to His people , to His godly ones ; But let them not turn back to folly . " Over the last few days Red has taken off his pj bottoms 3 times . The first time I thought it was just a fluke but he has done it two other times . How in the world does a 7 1 / 2 month old know how to take off his pants ? ? ? I guess he just likes to be naked . He must get those * wanting to be naked * genes from his daddy ! He has been so fun lately learning new things and expressing himself more . I 'm just so glad he is apart of our family . It 's amazing how much love one person can have for another person . . . it is so natural and easy to love someone that is your parent , your child or even your sibling but to love someone who isn 't blood related is so amazing ! If you haven 't gotten it yet I am completely in love with my husband , J , and its weird to think but I love him even more with every passing day ! Sure I might not always like things he does but I always love him . From the time we got up this morning until about 5 minutes ago when I put the kids to bed we have been doing things for GlamorGirl 's 5th birthday party or playing with her new presents . Her party was from 1 - 3pm today at the school . When we got up and ready this morning Monkey and I went to get some last minute preparations plus Monkey picked GG out a gift from him . He got her a sponge Bob puzzle with 100 pieces . She had a blast at her party and received some wonderful new things . Among the gifts were but this is not everything or even close to being everything she received . . . a Cinderella dress up dress , Crocodile Dentist game , play make - up , Cinderella felt book , clothes ( all very cute ) and many many puzzles . About the puzzles J and I were talking about what we were going to get her for her birthday and I suggested to J spelled out so GG wouldn 't know what it was P . u . z . z . l . e she had this thinking face on and says , " I know what that is . . . PUZZLE ! " I couldn 't believe it the little stinker sounded it out . I guess spelling things out , so the kids don 't know what we are talking about , around GG is over . After the party and clean up we came back to the house ( with friends from out of town ) and GG built the puzzle ( 51 pieces ) of the United States that J and I got her and she didn 't need any help which I was surprised because it wasn 't a normal puzzle where the pieces fit into each other it had a boarder and an empty middle in the shape of the US and each state was it 's own piece except for the really small states , they got lumped together with another state or two . Then we played the crocodile game about a million times they loved it . Then she wanted to build the puzzle Monkey got her and I thought she might have difficulty with that one as well because it was 100 pieces but she did it all by herself ! She has to take after me because J does not like puzzles but I love them . Then for bedtime stories we read her new books she got and played another game . Needless to say , we had a very fun filled and busy day . GG 's real birtPosted by During lunch today I decided I wanted to see if I could trick Monkey into thinking he had popcorn growing in his ear ! I showed him my empty hand and then put a piece of popcorn in it quickly before I reached for his ear . I pulled out a piece of popcorn every time . He was laughing so hard I thought he was going to pee his pants . GG got concerned and examined Monkey 's ear very carefully and then laughed when it kept coming out ! Monkey kept saying to me , " But I don 't feel any popcorn in my ear ! " It was a pretty silly lunch today : ) The kids didn 't go to school this morning because we had a dentist appointment . It was Monkey 's first time getting his teeth cleaned and I must say he did a great job . He did keep asking if it was going to hurt and the nurse who cleaned his teeth was very patient and kind with him . I stayed with him while he was being worked on and GlamorGirl was in the room with J while he got his teeth cleaned . Then it was my turn and I needed to get a full set of x - rays done . That was horrible . They took 18 shots of my teeth . Six on each side of my mouth and three on the top front and three on the bottom front . By the time my teeth were done being x - rayed GG was done and she wanted to watch me get my teeth cleaned and of course I said , " Sure ! " Well let me tell you I think that was a big mistake . Here I am on the chair with my mouth wide open and the nurse has her hands in my mouth cleaning my teeth . GG is standing right next to the chair and I bet she couldn 't get any closer to my mouth with her face if she tried . She was so interested in seeing what the nurse was doing . It was really kind of funny . Then the nurse was polishing my teeth and she took her foot off of the pedal , that makes the brush spin , to get more polish on the brush . All of a sudden we hear the brush going and the polish is flying all over the room . GG had stepped on the pedal making it spin when it wasn 't in my mouth ! It took us a few seconds to figure it was her . Then after the nurse was done the dentist came in the room and GG stepped on it again . At least the second time there was nothing on the brush to do any harm . As far as I know none of us had any cavities . . . that is always great news . When I was growing up whenever we went to the dentist we always went out to eat afterwards either at a restaurant with our dentist or to eat back at the dentist 's house . He and my dad wrestled together in high school so they were pretty good friends , hints the reason we would go back to his house after our appointments : ) The kids got paint books for Christmas , the kind that have water colors . We normally do the paint with water , a lot less messy ! I got each of the kids a cup of water and told them not to use too much or the paper would get soaked . Next thing I know Monkey has the cup and is asking , " Is this too much water ? " As he is pouring it onto the page . I was like " What are you doing ? " Then I explained to him that he was supposed to dip the brush into the water and then in the paint so he could paint , as I was laughing historically . Water was everywhere . . . on the table , floor , and his pants . At least it was just water ! After he figured out how to use the paint he was fine . It didn 't even dawn on me to explain how to use the paints because he uses them at school so I really don 't know what was going through his head today . But it was pretty funny . To change the topic real quick . I have been being bugged by members of my family , I won 't name names , about Red eating real food . He sits on my lap during dinner most nights and he doesn 't even grab at the food . He does watch it go from my plate to my mouth but that is it . It is recommended that you wait until the baby shows interest in food by grabbing at it , not just watching . Well today J read over my LLL meeting papers about starting solids . He thinks Red is ready too , because of the ages listed not by the readiness cues . But I am the mom and I 'm telling you he IS NOT ready . So to prove my point I cut up a green bean tonight and put it on Red 's tray . He picked one piece up smashed it in his hands and then threw it on the floor . The rest of it was just played with and none of it went anywhere near his mouth . And the only reason he picked up the first piece is because I pointed it out to him . He is not ready or he would of put it in his mouth . My guess is that he will want to eat real food in about 2 months . But I am going to go by his cues not the books ! ! ! ! I will finish with saying he will get to eat real food when he is ready . We didn 't get home until 1pm from the party we went too on New Years Eve . So on Sunday the 1st we had a difficult time getting up and getting ready . We got to church right at 9 : 30 when it started and they had already began singing . I told J I would take the kids to children 's church and then go up stairs with Red . I had all 3 kids and we headed downstairs . All the rooms were dark , even the nursery . Oh no I thought no childcare . I guess I have to take them to the mother 's room with me . Now if you don 't go to our church you wouldn 't understand how small this room is so let me try and paint you a picture . It is big enough for about 8 to 10 rocking chairs to be lined up next to each other and about 3 chairs deep . That is it in a nutshell . When we walk in we see Al and his 3 girls ages 2 , 5 , & 7 , Jen and her 3 kids ages 10 months , 4 , & 6 , Dan and Anne and their little baby boy and the pastor 's wife and their little girl . Then us ! It was crowded and LOUD ! I didn 't hear any of the service and we got told to keep the kids quiet twice . It was unreal there was nothing for them to do . At one point Monkey walked over to the window that looks down on the congregation and with two fists pounds on the window and screams , " THIS IS BORING ! THIS IS BORING ! " I , of course , stopped him but it was already done . Then I found out that the pastor 's wife had told him what Monkey had said good thing he is young and has a good sense of humor ! And knew it was because Monkey was bored out of his mind and not because his sermon was boring : ) |
Chapter Twenty A week later , Ember was walking in the forest with Peter , when Tomarr , who was accompanying them , growled at something in the bushes . Before she knew what was going on , Peter stood in front of her , waving his arms at something that roared . Tomarr roared louder . Peter was swept away , and a large bear stood before her . Peter was trying to get up , groping for a stick to fight with . Tomarr was confronting the bear . She stood in the white clearing in the forest again . This was the third time she 'd been in this unconscious world . " We 're Back again ? " She opened her eyes and Peter and Tomarr stood over her . Tomarr pushed Peter aside , and covered her face with licks . " Hey , Tomarr . Sweet , sweet Tomarr β¦ " she looked down for a moment and took a huge intake of breath to keep from crying . " I 'm alright . " On the outside β¦ Peter was standing over her again . " Ember , are you alright ? " He was anxious . She smiled , and said , " Yup . I 'm fine . " She put the white world to the back of her mind . She got up and brushed herself down . " Well , the bear attacked , and when you went out cold , I grabbed a stick and Tomarr leapt before I could do anything heroic . " He smiled meekly . " Then the thing ran away . " She stood thinking for some time . As they started to head back to the palace , she said , " I 've seen a lot of animals here , and none of them have been violent . That was odd . One of the mother bears let me play with her cubs once . Why would this one be wanting to pick a fight ? " Peter shrugged , and said , " Who knows . " Peter raised his hands , weighing the possibilities . " Maybe it 's mating season and it though we were a danger to its β¦ Bearhood . " He laughed a little ; he was not able to use the word ' manhood , ' for bears were not men . Tomarr was off ahead of them , keeping a watch . Peter leaned closer to her and whispered , " I 'm just glad you 're alright . " She smiled and nodded . " Me too . " Tomarr was now so far ahead of them that he 'd most likely just wait for them at the Palace . " Hey , you know , I think we 're closer to my cottage , how about we go there ? It 's getting kinda late anyways . " She agreed , and they changed direction to get to his cottage in the mountains . When they got there , it was indeed dark , and he let her in to a ready fire that was soon blazing . Peter did this with no help from Ember . She smiled and sat down . He brought her hot tea and some coffee for himself . After sitting in silence for a while , he said , " Hey , you want to see some of my glass ? I keep it in the basement . " As the light turned on , glittering glass shone on shelves , neatly arranged by the maker . She looked on in wonder , at little figures , balls hanging from shelves , and little glass trinkets . Ember stood at one of the shelves , looking at the glass . There were things in green glass , black glass , red , orange and blue glass . All the colors of the rainbow filled Ember 's senses with delight . She actually felt happy right now , for the first time in a little over a week . All the glittering made her eyes glow red and dance with the delight . Peter looked at her eyes and smiled . " You 've got beautiful eyes , Ember . " She turned from the shelf and looked in a daze at him . She smiled sadly , thinking of the other person - no , the first person - to say that to her . But he could have taken it as a tender , appreciative smile . He edged closer , and reached past Ember to the shelf . He brought his hand in front of her , in which he held a little red glass box with a silver clasp that had been on the shelf in front of her . He kept his eyes on hers , and opened it slowly . She gasped , and her hands went to her mouth . The ring sparkled white in her eyes , and she gazed at it for a long time , not reaching for it . " Ember , this can be yours β¦ " he paused , a bit unsure for a moment . " If you 'll be my wife β¦ " He looked up into her eyes , for he was now kneeling , and when she didn 't answer right away , he hastily said , " I know we really just met , and you don 't really know me , and I 'm just a glass blower and you 're the Queen β¦ but β¦ I love you Ember . If you could be my wife , I 'd be the happiest man on earth . " For a moment , Ember 's thoughts raced . She was frantic with thoughts that this would turn into another disaster . But Peter had been so nice to her , and they 'd connected right away . She already felt like she 'd known him all her life . She drew in a heavy breath , closed her eyes , and decided something that would change her life forever . Ember couldn 't help comparing it to Pyro 's kiss . That first one β¦ She closed her eyes , unable to think about that and feeling guilty for thinking about it while she was kissing Peter . She couldn 't be sure now if the tears were happy or sad . Peter straitened up , and looked her in the eyes . Is something wrong , Ember β¦ ? " He said , hesitantly . He had noticed during the kiss that something was wrong . Ember blinked away the tears , and smiled . " No , nothing is wrong , Peter . I 'm just so happy . " She wiped the tears off of her right eye , but Peter beat her to the left . He wiped it gently off her check , and then kissed her there . She smiled . Peter then led her by the hand back upstairs . He had a triumphant smile on his face , and was truly overjoyed . The next morning , Ember was delivering the news to Fang and Goldenwing . They were both frantic , glad that Ember seemed happy , but still worried . They had both taken a strong liking to Pyro and felt this was wrong somehow . When Fang relayed this tentatively to Ember , she looked at him coldly . I told you long ago to stop worrying about me . I can take care of myself . She was angry at her friend , and hurt that he 'd mentioned Pyro 's name in front of her . He knew it hurt her . I 'm not worrying about you , Ember . I 'm just making sure you 're absolutely sure of this . Fang 's voice was just a tad reproachful . He spent a lot of time at the palace , getting used to it . But he never slept there . If he had , he would have slept in what had been Pyro 's room . She shuddered , and tried not to think of Pyro . She still did , but without pain anymore , because she had Peter . But she still wondered about him , and where he was . At two days until the wedding , Ember was walking alone through the Throne Room , sitting in it and trying to extract memories . She did get one . Ember and her older sister were playing in the throne room when it was empty . She was very young . She sat in the Queen 's throne , and was dangling her feet over the edge , her sister sitting in the King 's throne , pretending to give orders to imaginary servants and subjects . The large doors to the Palace opened , and her mother walked in , with her little friend , whose name she still could not recollect . His face was familiar , but she still couldn 't think of where from . She knew that she knew where she 'd seen the face , but her mind seemed to blot it out . He walked shyly up to the girls . This was only his second meeting with Ember , she remembered , and he stared wide - eyed up at her , sitting as majestically as she could on the throne . But she was slipping forward , and slid off , landing lightly on the raised dais . She called him over , not hearing the name from her own lips , and he timidly walked over . She got impatient and ran to pull him faster . After a few minutes , it was just like the first meeting , and they were playing comfortably . Her mother looked on , happy that her youngest daughter had gotten a new friend who she seemed to like a lot . Ember opened her eyes , and sighed . The night before her second wedding day , Ember was happy as a clam . She resolved that she would not see her groom before they were at the alter this time . She could not help attributing Pyro 's disappearance to her seeing him , which was bad luck . She smiled happily and settled into bed , anxious for the coming day . And she had a dream . She was in Peter 's house . She smiled to herself . She heard Peter 's voice from the basement , and followed it . She went down the stairs , and found him standing in the middle of the room . She tried to get his attention , but he seemed to be frozen . Time seemed to be frozen . He was looking towards a shelf , the one that had held the little ring box . But it was not a shelf anymore . It was the bars to a cell . She stared in horror . She could not look , but she could not look away . Pyro lay in the cell , thinned and disheveled almost beyond recognition . And he looked miserable . Ember looked at Peter for an explanation , and time slowly flowed back into the room . Peter smirked at Pyro , who was clinging to the cell bars desperately . " Well , well . Tomorrow , your precious Ember won 't be yours anymore . She 'll be mine ! " He laughed , and Pyro winced , and Ember could feel his world fall apart . She felt in him the same piercing she 'd felt every time his name was spoken to her . " All I had to do was knock you out , drag you here , and then make her think I loved her ! Ha ! How could anything love someone so depressing and simple ? " Here Pyro looked enraged . " Take that back , scum ! If she 's happy I can stand it , just barely , but you 'd better not speak like that in front of me anymore , and if you hurt her in any way , I swear I 'll kill you ! " He glared evilly at Peter , and tried futilely to break free and get at him . " And you watched her accept my proposal , too ! She stood right here . You could see her , but she didn 't even know you were there , not that it would have made a difference , by the look of it . How much did it hurt , seeing the woman you 're literally dying for fall in love with someone else ? " He grinned menacingly at Pyro , and acted the scene out again , just for Pyro . " ' Oh , Yes , Peter , I 'll marry you ! ' " He laughed out loud , clenching his belly and doubling over with it . Pyro just glared ahead of him , not looking at Peter . Ember felt a knife in her heart . He was glaring in her direction . It made her feel like he could see her , and was glaring at her . " Pyro ! I 'm right here ! Can 't you hear me ? Can 't you see me ? ! " " And the best part is , she completely forgot about you so easily ! " " No , Pyro ! I didn 't ever forget you ! Don 't believe him , please ! " " In one week , she went from loving you to loving me , without so much as a question ! She 's so inconsistent ! Flimsy ! Easy ! " Pyro reached through the bars of the cell , futilely trying to choke Peter . " You bastard ! I told you not to talk about her like that ! " He tried to get Peter , but he easily stepped out of the way . Ember was almost sobbing now . " Ha . She 's weak minded . She can 't even see through my acting . Though I must admit it was pretty good that night I proposed , wasn 't it ? She accepted it ! She thought I was serious ! Haha ! " Pyro glared at him . " You don 't deserve her ! She has more worth in one fingernail that you 'll ever have in your whole body , your whole life . " " Oh really ? I , Surtas , have wooed and conquered the mighty Ember , queen of Flaria ! I 'll have my power to control Fire , and I 'll be King ! And just in time , too ! Only had a few weeks left ! I am victorious ! " Ember froze . She was too disgusted to even think about what she 'd done . She knew this was no ordinary dream . It was too real . This was actually happening , right now . And she 'd agreed to fill the last condition . She 'd told herself to be careful , hadn 't she ? Hadn 't Fang , and Goldenwing ? She blinked a few times , and felt all the shame that was due to her on the occasion . As she looked on in horror , Peter / Surtas shifted form , and he became a vulgar middle - aged man . His brown - blond hair slowly shifted to white - blond , and his eyes to a cold blue , instead of gentle sea - blue . He also shrunk a few inches , and Ember scowled , disgusted at what she was about to marry , and suddenly aware of the danger she was in . She ran to the bars of the cell , calling Pyro 's name . She reached through the cell bars , and tried to touch him . Her hand went through him , and he didn 't seem to notice . She couldn 't get through to him . She shrunk to the floor , weeping with the pain and folly of the past few weeks , and found herself back in the bedroom , one of her earliest dreams . It was bare , and the diary lay opened on the floor . The page was blank . Chapter Twenty - One She woke up with her head on a pillow soaked with tears . She was crying out loud , and Hima was chirping softly in her ear . She clutched at her pillow in agony . " Oh , Pyro ! " She cried . " What have I done ? " She cried into the pillow , letting out all the emotion she 'd carefully dammed up . Now she knew that Pyro still loved her . He hadn 't left her , as she 'd thought . And now that she knew that , she wondered how on earth she could have thought it possible . All his declarations of love had meant nothing in her hasty conclusions , and she was paying for it now . She lifted her fingers to her lips , which burned . She 'd kissed him ! She didn 't know how she could have done it . She must have been so depressed when Pyro was gone , that she hadn 't been thinking . But now she saw the light , and in it , she could see all the scars and blemishes of the past weeks . And this afternoon , she was going to have to marry that man . The man that took away the man she really loved , who had tricked her when her heart was trying in vain to heal , obscuring it . But he was so nice ! She closed her eyes , confused and hurt . She couldn 't make anything out , her eyes blurred with tears . She held herself , feeling like she 'd be sick . Her head hurt now , from thinking and crying . After a few minutes , she wiped her eyes , and pet Hima , ever thankful to her for seeing her through her moment of dread . " Oh , Hima β¦ what have I done ? " Hima just chirped sadly , and nudged Ember 's forehead with her own . She stood up , brushed herself down of imaginary dust , and stared strait ahead . She walked into her closet , and picked out a suitable outfit . Something that would look good , but that was sturdy . She picked a comfortable but stylish black shirt with a white collar and cuffs , and black jeans . She was on a mission of revenge ; it deserved a dark and angry look . She walked back into her bedroom , a steely look of determination on her face . She stepped onto the balcony , and saw Tomarr prowling in the grass . She whistled , and he raised his head , his ears perked , and stood motionless for a few seconds . He looked straight at her and then came bounding . As he ran , Ember made a disk of flame and Hima spread her wings to fly alongside her . She lowered the disk and Tomarr jumped on . He licked her hand , realizing that she was finally back to herself . He could also sense some prospect of seeing his pal Pyro again . He had not been able to hear his friend 's thoughts since he left . " We 're going on a little journey . Fun , yes ? " Her eyes danced with a mixture of feelings , mostly love for Pyro , anger at herself , and the utmost hatred for Surtas . She realized something , and lifted her hand in front of her face . She looked with disgust at the ring Pet - that Surtas had given her . She tore it off her finger , and threw it to the ground , with hot flames licking it . She didn 't look back as she pulled a chain around her neck from under her shirt ; the flames would not burn the grass . Pyro 's ring was on the gold chain , and she undid its clasp and slipped the ring off of it , and onto her finger . She 'd been wearing the chain ever since that day , and it had made her feel a little better . She hadn 't completely abandoned him . A piece of him was always close to her heart . She sped off towards the cottage that Surtas was " living " at . She wondered who had actually lived there , before the curse was put on the land . She also wondered if it was just an illusion . She remembered Fang telling her something about a certain magic Surtas had . He could fool people into thinking they saw or heard or felt something . That was how she had not seen Pyro right on the other side of the wall from her ! She beat herself inside for what she 'd done to Pyro . How miserable he must have been ! When she got to the cottage , the sun told her it was near 10 : 00 . She hadn 't gone so fast because she needed to feel the wind on her skin a little more to calm herself and prepare herself . She lowered the disk to the ground , and Tomarr leapt off . Hima glided to land on her shoulder , and she jumped nimbly off the disk . She stooped in the bushes for a moment , deciding what to do . Just break in and say , " You jerk , " or make him think she didn 't suspect anything yet , to get closer to Pyro ? She decided that she 'd play along for a few moments , lead him to the basement , and then kick his butt in front of Pyro ; just for Pyro . She nodded , and led the way to the front door . Hima was still on her shoulder , and understood the plan with one look from Ember . Tomarr seemed to know it too , for he was pouncing on a butterfly as she knocked on the door and Surtas appeared , looking surprised , but happy . He nodded , seeming to accept that explanation , and gestured her in . She took her usual place by the fire in the rocking chair , and he made tea and coffee , as usual . She smiled as she took the tea . They talked for a while , and at a convenient time , Ember put in , " Oh , I 'd love to see some more of your glasswork ! As a wedding present ? " She looked pleadingly at him , and he smiled , and relented . He took her hand and led her downstairs again , where he kept his finished glasswork ; she tried not to scowl at his touch , lest she give herself away . She looked with acted awe at all the glass again , and said , " oh , Peter . You do such good work ! These are so beautiful ! " She picked up a glass tiger that stood on the shelf that concealed Pyro 's cage , and looked at it with false wonder . It was actually quite a good tiger , but it couldn 't be real , she told herself . She looked at the wall behind the shelf , trying to look through it to Pyro . It was no use , so she turned to Surtas again , drawing closer than she would have if she had a choice . She smiled playfully at him , and said quietly , " Oh , Peter . I love you so much . I don 't know what I 'd do without you . " She beat down the pain in her chest at these dishonest and disloyal words . A playful smile played over Surtas 's lips , and he leaned closer to her , saying just as quietly as Ember , " Really ? You love me that much ? More than anything ? " He wrapped his arms around her , and she tried not to flinch at all . His touch made her skin crawl , and she wanted to edge away , but she had to fool him for just a few more seconds . She knew what he was trying to do , too . He was making Pyro 's last view of Ember into one he couldn 't bare . She smiled and closed her eyes a bit , and said , " Actually , no . " She rammed her knee up , and watched Surtas fall to the floor , clutching himself in agony . The house flickered , but only for a second . She looked at the wall with the shelf , and caught a glimpse of Pyro in his cell , but only for a split fraction of a second . It was still enough . She turned back to Surtas , who was getting up . He was still smiling pleasantly , and said , " Ember , what was that about ? Did I do something unsatisfactory ? " He got closer , hoping that Ember was just in a bad mood or something . She got into fighting stance , and said menacingly , " You know what I realized ? I realized you 're a liar and scum , and that I have more worth in one of my fingernails than you ever will in your whole body . " She smiled pleasantly . Then she looked meaningfully at the shelf , hoping Pyro would see and understand . Surtas 's eyes narrowed , and became cold blue , like his true eyes were . " So , you found out my little secret , did you ? " He laughed . " Hah , it doesn 't matter anymore though ! You 're gonna marry me , even if you don 't want to ! You 'll forget all about this and you 'll marry me . Then I 'll get the fire , and the kingdom ! You can 't stop me now ! " She charged at him , and shouted , " Not even if I kill you ? " She took him by surprise for a moment , but he quickly regained his composure and balance , fighting back . She aimed some kicks at him , and threw a few punches , but he dodged them all . He was too fast . He made his way , dodging Ember 's attacks , to an old and seemingly ornamental display of two large crossed swords . She soon found out that it was not merely ornamental . The blades rang in the air as Surtas pulled them out , and held them ready , laughing . " Ha ! Can 't beat me at swordplay ! You don 't even know how to use a sword , do you ? " She hid the smile in her heart as she closed her eyes , concentrating on the sleek sword sitting in her room . She wondered why she hadn 't thought to bring it with her . But on an impulse , she thought some words and the sword was in her hands , out of nowhere . She smiled at Surtas , who looked dumbfounded . " Guess again . " She lifted the blade . It felt right in her hands . She knew she could do great things with it , just feeling how familiar it was in her hands , at her command . She swung , and Surtas raised his blades to block the blow , staggering back a few feet . " You 'll have to do more than that to get me . " He sniggered , full of himself and sure he would be able to knock her out with no problem , and erase her memory of last night , or whenever it was that she found out his secret . Then all would be back to normal . They commenced in a bitter battle . She swung her blade skillfully , but he parried every blow with the ease and skill of years of training , whereas Ember only knew that she could wield the blade well . He struck her hard , and she blocked most of them , but sometimes a slicing pain would shoot up her leg or arm , once on her cheek . After a while of just trying to hit him , she began to add some physical attacks . She jumped over him , spinning , and used her free hand to flip back up , slashing with her blade . It caught him in the arm , and he clutched it in pain . Rage clouded his face , and he forgot about making her his wife . Now , he just wanted her out of the way , even if that meant he would end up failing . He came at her , running . Ember stood her ground , and jumped out of the way and over him at the last second , slashing downward . She got his cheek , and thought she had him for good . He looked at her menacingly , smiling . " You think that 's enough to get me ? ! " As he said it , the wound on his cheek slowly vanished . Oh , crap ! Can he heal himself ? Why hadn 't I thought of that before ? ! She backed up a step , as he advanced , swinging the swords he held . She was backing up to the wall that was Pyro 's cell . She realized this , and stopped backing up . She planted her feet firmly , and prepared to attack Peter . He got closer , closer , closer β¦ . She swung fully , and left a deep slash in his chest , which immediately smoothed over . Oh crap β¦ He struck her with the back of his hand , and she fell over . She lay on the ground , her face down and her arms sprawled in front of her . She panted , and tried to pull herself up , but instead found herself pulled up by strong hands . Surtas pushed her into the shelves , and glass clinked and fell , spreading glittering shards all over the floor . None of it hit her , but it got close . She stood up , wiping her forehead with her arm . She was enraged , and using the blunt of her sword , struck him a hard blow that sent him flying into another shelf across the room . Glass fell over him , but he healed himself almost before he bled . Finally , Ember realized that she could not beat him with just sword - power . She had to use her other powers . Her eyes blazing , she focused her thoughts on the sword she held in her hand . In seconds , it was enveloped in flames and shone in the dim light of the basement . She smiled at Surtas , who stood gazing at it , his eyes sparkling . In his moment of distraction , Ember sent a ball of warning flame at his stomach , making him fall backwards , into another shelf . He sat on the floor against the tatty shelf , rubbing his stomach , and shaking his head , with yet more glass falling around him . " I don 't want to kill you , Surtas . " I want you thrown into eternal servitude in the underworld ; just what you deserve and will get in a few days . He got up , and said , " No way am I gonna give up or run away . " She raised her eyes to the sky , and raised her arms . Her body was enveloped in fire , and her blazing eyes stood out even in the swirling flames . She walked towards him , getting ready a blast that would char him and leave almost nothing . The fear was plain in his eyes . He knew he was done for . But he was more in awe of her powers than in fear of them . His amazement and obsession with the controlling of fire would be his downfall . He could only stare as she put her hands together above her head and brought them slowly down again , aiming at him . " This is for Pyro ! " She screamed , and sent the flames surrounding herself at Surtas , channeling them around her outstretched arms and through her hands . The high - powered attack did what it was supposed to do , and also drained all of Ember 's energy . The illusions around her flickered and went out as Surtas fought for life and lost . He could not heal as fast as he was being destroyed by the insistent flames . Ember turned . She saw the little girl from her dreams on the other side of the clearing . " Fira ? " The little girl nodded . She walked towards Ember , and as she did , she grew taller and older , and Ember watched as she aged , until she was standing in front of herself , a perfect copy . After some moments of silence , the memories flowed back and the dreams made sense for the first time . She looked up at herself , and smiled , relieved to know things again . She finally felt like she knew what was going on . She could remember it all now . Her whole life was before her , and she finally understood . That friend in her memory had been the Adam in the dreams . And now she just had to find Adam for her memories to be complete . She needed to find her best friend . Ember looked around , wondering why she was not back with Pyro by now . She desperately wanted to be back with him , to let him know she was okay and apologize for the rest of her life for what she did . She looked at Fira . Fira looked thoughtful , and said , " We could say that . Every time we are here , we 've had a near death experience at least . This one was most likely the closest . We used every last shred of energy defeating Surtas . But we 're not dead yet , don 't worry . " As if to prove the point , the white forest faded , and she closed her eyes . Her head hurt . She felt like she 'd been hit by a truck . She realized she had been holding her breath , and took a gasping breath , coughing . She found the power to open her eyes , and breathed heavily . She looked up , and Pyro 's face was close to hers . He pulled her up into a hug , and didn 't let her go for a long time . He had been kneeling over her for a few minutes , while she faced herself in the white forest , thinking she was dead this time . She hadn 't been breathing , and she had not had a pulse . She could not sit up , and was held up only by Pyro 's clinging to her . When Ember opened her eyes next , she was laying in her bed . The warm glow of morning sunlight shone in her face , and she blinked . She blinked a few more times , and tried to sit up , finding that she was stiff . It hurt , but she sat up eventually , and could see Pyro asleep , sitting in a chair next to her bed and with his head resting on his folded arms on the bed near where her hand was . She had the feeling that he 'd been holding it . As she moved and got herself comfortably sitting up , he stirred also , and jumped awake once he realized he 'd fallen asleep . He shook his head and looked around . His eyes fell on Ember and he rushed to a standing position , leaning over her . " Ember β¦ " He was speechless after that much , and sat next to her and just enveloped her in a huge hug . She blinked tears away , and they trickled down her cheeks . " Oh , Pyro , I 've been so horrible to you ! How could I have done that ? ! I - I β¦ " she fell silent and cried more . " Shhhhhhh β¦ Ember , don 't beat yourself up . It wasn 't your fault . It was all Surtas , you didn 't do anything to anyone . " Pyro patted her back and rubbed it soothingly . " But you watched me β¦ you watched me say yes to that man β¦ me kiss β¦ hi - " she closed her eyes slowly , and sighed miserably . " How could I have done that to you ? How can you forgive me ? " He put her at arm 's length from him , and said , " Ember , anything you ever did or do in the future is forgiven . You know I can 't hold a grudge against you . " When this didn 't seem to cheer her up , he tried a little more explanation . " I admit , I was pretty hurt when he first started to gloat at how you were getting on without me there . He told me how you trusted him immediately , and how you told him everything β¦ it did hurt , but then he told me how you were before he found you , and I felt horrible , only because you were so unhappy because of me . Anything he said after that , except when he insulted you , I could handle . I 'll admit it was pretty hard watching him propose β¦ and you saying yes . . . . . but I thought it would make you happy ! You did look happy then . And that made me a little happier . Even if the source of your happiness wasn 't me . " He smiled at her . " And when you came down that day , and looked at the glass things for the second time , I saw you looking through the wall , as if you knew I was there . I was right there , following you the whole time . We were so close for a minute there . I could tell there was a something in your eyes that wasn 't there the last I 'd seen you down there . It was something I 'd known in them before . And then I saw you fake him into getting closer , and when you kicked him , " his smile broadened . " Well , that made me pretty damn happy . I was cheering you on the whole time , and when you fell and weren 't breathing I was so sorry that I didn 't have a chance to tell you all this . I thought you were dead , and for those few minutes , I was in agony , wondering what I could do with myself without you in my life . " He drew her into another hug . He smiled , and said , " Like I said , I 've already forgiven you for everything you could do in the future or could have done in the past . " After a short pause , he added , " or you could just cook me great meals for the rest of my life . " He squeezed her tight for a second or two , and said , " That was another thing that kept me going . He never once mentioned you cooking for him . " Here she laughed through her tears , happy that Pyro could still make her cheerful , even when she was so miserable with herself . Pyro put her at arm 's length again , and looked into her eyes , watching them dance with love and pain . " I 'll forgive you if you 'll still marry me ; if I can still make you mine , " he said softly . They stuck their heads in , and Ember wished she could get up and hug them . You guys were right . I don 't know why I didn 't listen . Don 't worry about it . What 's done is done . There 's no need to dwell on it . Fang 's ever - formal response . Goldenwing , who was a little more emotional , burst out , " Oh , Ember ! I 'm so glad you 're alive ! None of us knew what had happened to you that day , and we searched all over for you when you were late . We decided to try his , " she spat it out , " house . We found it none - existent , and you laying unconscious with Pyro , Tomarr and Hima where it used to be ! We flew you back here , and you 've been sleeping ever since ! " Ember could see the tears in her friend 's eyes . " I was just getting to that part β¦ " he mumbled , rubbing the back of his head embarrassedly . " It 's been five days , Ember . " Fang gazed at her with a look of significance . Today is the day that the time limit would have been up for Surtas . Pyro nodded slowly . She shook her head , her eyes wide for a moment . But she smiled as she realized that it was over , finally . Surtas was dead , and she was free . She had her memories , and she looked at Pyro , trying to figure out if he had his . Fang and Goldenwing left them , with a silent good - bye in her mind . As she looked out the window to the mountains , Pyro lifted her carefully out of the bed , and carried her to the swinging loveseat . He set her down , and sat down next to her , wrapping her up in his arms , where she felt safe and happy . She smiled , and watched the morning unfold in front of her . Tomarr played in the grass , and Hima was perched on the railing , chirping happily at Ember . She and Pyro talked , and after a short while , Ember heard Pyro 's stomach growl . He told her to pay no attention , but she immediately found enough strength to lead him down to the kitchen and make him an omelet for breakfast . A few times , he had to catch her before her legs buckled underneath her , but besides that , she was fine . She finally felt right ; cooking for the man she loved and would never stop loving . She never had stopped loving him , really . She was just too confused when Surtas found her , and had taken refuge in a cheerful face and shiny glass , taking them for diamonds . He 'd taken advantage of her pain . As Ember watched Pyro chow down , she was itching with questions unasked . She wanted to know if Pyro had his memories so badly . But she 'd wait . " Two days , " she said and smiled , leaning on his shoulder . Goldenwing made a joyful noise deep in her throat , and a puff of happy smoke flew from her nostrils . Fang looked over at her , an odd happy look on his face , as far as dragons went . Ember smiled at her friends . She got up slowly , bracing herself and feeling a bit dizzy as she stood , and walked to them . Fang lowered his head to her eye - level , and she hugged him around the neck , stroking his scales . My best friend , all my life , and for the rest of my life . Pyro was explaining what had happened to him . " Just after you left me , Surtas came . He told me that if I didn 't go with him willingly , he 'd kill me and then you in your sleep . And when I glanced at my spear , leaning against the wall , he said it was no use to fight . He knocked me out after he forced me at sword point to write that letter to you . I thought it might have been easier for you to cope with my leaving if you thought I didn 't love you . I didn 't want you to worry about me β¦ But I could not have been more wrong . . . . . So anyways , he knocked me out , and when I came to , I was in that cellar β¦ " He shuddered . " All I could think about was how you were doing . If you were alright , if you missed me β¦ " Here , Ember sighed sadly . " And he would take me just enough bread and water to keep me alive , nothing more . He wanted me to see you for the last time as his wife to be . " The vengeful tone in his voice was all for Surtas , but Ember couldn 't help feeling ashamed again . " Every afternoon , he 'd come down and relate to me how much you looked up to him and how he was sure of your having forgotten me already . I tried not to let him get to me . " And then when you came down and kicked his disgusting butt , I felt all at once that everything would be okay . I knew you 'd win . But when you weren 't getting up after he hit you , I felt really scared . I thought you 'd be killed β¦ " He closed his eyes for a long time , and then said , " And then you killed him , and everything went away ; no more bars . I thought you really were dead for a few minutes . You didn 't have a pulse , you weren 't breathing , no signs of life . And then you woke up . It was a miracle . " He smiled brightly at her . He looked at her , confused , and she explained . " Pyro , he didn 't want me dead . If I died , there wouldn 't be anyone left for him to fulfill his last requirement . " At his further perplexed looks , she realized he didn 't know about it ; she 'd never told him about it . Then he can 't have his memories back yet . Everyone in the Kingdom knew . She explained the whole thing to him , from his deal with the Queen and King of the time , and his three requirements , and his deadline . " And he wouldn 't have killed you either . He was so bent on making you suffer the most before he killed you . He wanted you to see it all . So you should have fought him . You would have won , or at least driven him away . He may have been strong , but he was stupid . " She tilted her head to the side , thinking . " Well , no . Just delayed it some . He would have devised another plot and come back soon . But it would have hindered him greatly ; I would have known he was here . " She sighed , and closed her eyes , angry with herself . " He was bluffing ! If only we 'd seen it coming ! I knew his deadline was coming up ! I should have been more careful ! All this pain , this suffering on both our parts would have been less , and if I 'd been aware of the time of year , none at all probably ! " She smiled , and tapped her head . " You know those weird dreams I get ? " He nodded . " Well , the night before that I had a dream . I watched him talk to you , and I saw the pain on your face , the way you tried to get him when he insulted me . You were very loyal , even though I wasn 't β¦ " He hugged her tightly , and said , " Don 't think about that . You were hurt and confused . Your heart knew I would never leave you while your brain was trying to take in what the note meant . You couldn 't think . Don 't blame yourself . " After a few sighs and a pause , Ember continued . " So I saw the truth in that dream , and knew what I had to do . " She smiled . " And I heard what you said about me having more worth in one fingernail than he does in his whole body ; that 's why I said it back there , so that maybe you 'd understand that I knew . " He laughed . " I 'd been wondering about that ! " He hugged her again , and adjusted the blanket that covered her . She closed her eyes , and before she could stop herself , she was asleep again . She still did not have energy enough to stay awake much longer . |
Amy Foster Myerwrites and teaches in Portland , Oregon . She holds an MFA from Queens University of Charlotte . Her writing has appeared in Smokelong Quarterly , Prime Number , Blue Lake Review , Eunoia Review , Jersey Devil Press , and others . I couldn 't remember when I 'd talked to him last . " So about our deal , " he said . " I 'm ready . Let 's go through with it . " My heart swelled and clammered . My years of praying and begging were about to payoff , he was ready to go . Before I could answer , Harlan said , " Tyrone , are you there ? I 'm trying to tell you , man , I 'm saying let 's do it . " " Harlan ? " " Grammie Jane ? " His voice turned hollow , deflated . " Harlan ? " But he had already taken the phone away from his ear . From a distance I heard him say , " oh shit , " and then he hung up . I spent the entire next day trying to reach him but his phone just rang and rang . I sat in my aviary and hit redial , redial until my thumb was sore . Harlan 's cockatoo H - dog sat on my shoulder to look for strands of loose hair which he draped over the limbs of the potted plants like silver tinsel on a Christmas tree . A week later Harlan called back . I was sitting at the kitchen table keeping an eye on the brisket , but I left it and went out to the porch where I could talk to him in private . " Grammie ? " " It 's me , Harlan . " We sat in silence a moment . " The birds sound good . How 's H - dog ? " " Oh , can you hear them ? " I was so used to their constant cheeps and chatters that I forgot how loud they could be . It was one of the reasons Carl never sat out here with me ; that and he said it stunk like birdshit . The phone clicked and the crackle of static came over the line . Then Carl 's voice . " You 've got a lot of nerve , young man . " " Hey , Carl , got your RV yet ? " " Carl , " I said , " you get off the phone this instant . You stop this now , you hear ? " " Your grandmother hasn 't slept in weeks , " Carl went on . " Weeks ! You just can 't treat people like that , son . I don 't care if it is a disease , it ain 't right . " I 'll never know if Harlan heard that last part because by the time Carl was done speaking , there was only us and a dial tone on the line . " Jane , I think your brisket 's burning . " I did not speak to Carl during dinner until he forced the issue by dropping his fork onto his plate and pushed it away with a disgusted look . " You know , " he said , " I have a mind to change our number . That 'll take the wind out of his sails , you see if it don 't . Can 't just call you when it suits him . " I stacked Carl 's plate on mine and set them in the basin of the sink and stood in the kitchen leaning against the counter with both hands . Carl gathered the trash and took it out to the bins . We ran out of the regular white bags right after the last grocery run , so we 've been using Carl 's black lawn bags . Every time I see one of them black bags , I 'm reminded of the day Harlan came to live with me , all his things stuffed into one like his life up to that point was just so much trash . A woman my age , but trying too God - awful hard to look like she wasn 't , pushed him in the door and told him he was going to live here now . I didn 't argue with her or try to say that my dead son couldn 't be the boy 's father because one look at those cry - me - empty eyes and I knew he was mine . Seems every time I turned around , a second chance stared me in the face . And like a fool , every time I think I 've learned the trick to saving someone who doesn 't care he 's slipping away . Back in the house , Carl brought out sales brochures for various RV manufacturers and lined them up on the dining room table , setting them in order from least favorite to most , just as he had been doing every evening for almost a year . Sometimes he picked one up , looked through the pages again and rearranged the order . Carl wanted one of those forty - foot RV vans , the kind with a full kitchen and a bathroom and neat little squares that bump out on the sides to make you think you had more space than you really did . He thought driving around in an enormous bus with sixty - gallon gas tanks to be the most logical way to spend retirement , whereas I just wanted to sit in my bird room with the phone on my lap . But Harlan wasn 't Carl 's , so he saw things different . Maybe he hadn 't realized his role as best man at my first wedding would be reprised so often over the course of our lives . That decades of cameo appearances until Jesse 's liver gave out would lead to being a full cast member in this soap opera where I just try to keep the men I love from sinking under the waves . It was not for another two weeks before Harlan called again . During that time , I performed my phone rituals and tried to hide them from Carl . When your only connection to someone you love is through a telephone , the thing itself becomes almost as dear to you as the person you wish would call . I treated the phone like the temperamental child Harlan had been , keeping it close to me , tucked into a pocket or tracking it down after Carl had used it to put it back on its charger . During those two weeks , I must have dusted that phone twenty times , turned it on to check the dial tone , and scribbled circles with the pen on the pad underneath the base . " Look , Grammie , I don 't have much time . " " Oh ? Have you an appointment or something ? " Carl came into the kitchen and mouthed the words , who is it ? Harlan , I mouthed back . He opened the fridge and pretended to look for something to eat . I was on my feet in an instant , skirting round the kitchen table and moving fast as I could for the aviary . Carl threw up his hands and went back to his chair to watch a show . From the side of my eye , I caught the pale moon of Carl 's face swiveling toward me from time to time " You 've got to help me , " he said . " There 's a guy . Tyrone . " " Oh ? " I asked , on edge , wary of what was going to come . " And what does Tyrone do ? How do you know him ? " Harlan let out a sharp bark of laughter , a crazed , hateful sound . " What do you think a guy named Tyrone does ? " " Is he going to hurt you ? Why ? " " Look , that 's not important . I need you to come to the city and get me . " " The city ! " Harlan knew we never went into the city . Too big , too hot . To many bodies moving in too many directions . " Come here , Harlan . Come home . " " I sold my car , " he said . There was a loud noise over the line like someone had come in and slammed the door behind . " I gotta go , " he said . " Just come to the city and call me when you get here . I 'll come back with you , Grammie . I 'm ready now . " I sat in the aviary trembling . The phone fell from my lap and landed with a thud on the floor where I left it . The cockatiel Spot flew to my shoulder and picked at the pearls of my earrings . The yellow canary I called Carl Jr . hopped from tree to tree , rustling up the other , unnamed canaries into a maniacal chorus of off - key voices . They jumped from the trees to the screen where they tried to grab on like they used to do in their cages , using their scaly feet to clasp the bars , but they could get no grip and began to fall before they opened their wings and soared back to the trees . Carl had enclosed the porch using a special type of ultra - strong netting he ordered off the computer . When he was done , he told me to try and tear it . I smiled but did not try , afraid I would break my beautiful wedding gift . Wouldn 't have worked anyway , he 'd said proudly . Back inside , Carl called from the living room , " well ? " I could not tell Carl that Harlan wanted me to go to the city , he 'd refuse on principle alone , but there were other ways to kill two birds with one stone . I sat on the arm of Carl 's chair and danced my fingers across his bare scalp . " Oh , Harlan just wanted to catch up . " " Catch up ! " Carl said , shaking his head . " That boy . " " I 've been thinking . If you 're serious about this RV thing , you really need to look around inside , see what they feel like . " Carl turned to me , all ears and eyes , like a boy at his first movie . " You 've been going on and on about that travel show at the expo center . Let 's go . Let 's make a weekend out of it . " Carl looked struck by lightning . " You mean it ? " he said . Then his face clouded . " Wait . Doesn 't Harlan live in the city ? " " I don 't know where he lives , " I said , careful not to lie . Carl continued to look at me , his eyes boring into me , spooking me . " Look , " I said , " talking to Harlan just now made me realize what a short leash he has me on . " This was a classic Carl - ism . " Maybe it 's time we get out . See the country before we 're too old and decrepit . " Carl 's eyes lit up once more . " Hot damn , " he said , slapping his hand over my thigh . " Well , I 'll go and make us some reservations , " and he went off into the computer room , whistling and shaking his head . Not being able to check in did not bother Carl , but I was ready to go lie down . I had not yet figured out how I would meet up with Harlan , how I could manage to call him in secret and take the car to find him . I thought about what Harlan might 've said , what excuse he would 've come up with , but he had given up lying years ago , and when I would ask where he was going , he had simply said , " out . " To pass the time , Carl and I drove to the Shoney 's up the road for second lunches . The Shoney 's had a lounge where they served drinks and that 's where we sat . Carl ordered a beer for himself , and though I reminded him that drinking in the middle of the day sent me to Snoozeville , he made me order something too , so I chose a tropical sounding drink that came with a paper umbrella , two cherries impaled on it , and an over - ripe slice of orange . " Lighten up , " Carl said , clinking my glass , " it 's vacation . " He brought out his RV brochures and began to talk of them to me . He said we needed to decide what was in our price range and what amenities we could or could not live without . " Well , let 's not spend too much , " I said . " You never know . " Carl pressured me again for a number , so I thought of the most I could imagine someone spending on some overgrown , tent - on - wheels and said , " fifteen ? " Carl sat back , pushing himself into the booth and looked at me aghast . " Fifteen . Fifteen thousand ? " He shuffled through the bottom of his stack and handed me a sheet of paper showing a smallish van - looking thing . The bed was tucked above the driving cabin and a miniscule bathroom with a showerhead attached over the toilet . Carl poked at the paper . " This one 's thirty - two . No pop - outs . No separate shower stall . Two burner stove and no garbage disposal . " He pulled out a distinguished - looking black folder . Inside glistened pictures of an enormous van , the kind musicians go touring around in , black with silver chevrons down the side . It was called " The Starship Enterprise . " Three pop - outs , a full kitchen with a dishwasher , a living room with reclining leather chairs , also black , and satellite TV . He tapped the pictures gently . " A hundred ten . " " Thousand ? " I said . I had never imagined such a sum . " Carl , " I said , leaning forward , " we can 't possibly afford this . " " We can when we sell our house . " " Sell the house ? " My mind tripped on the word " we " and " our . " Of course it was " we " ; I knew that . But for a very long time it had been Jessie and me , and then Harold and me , and when both of them had sunk below the amber waves , Harlan and me . There had been a lot of we 's in that house , but Carl was the newest of them . I had to remind myself that to him , it was all ours and not all mine . But , Lord , I 'd carried all that pain by myself so long it felt like mine , felt like I deserved something more out of this than to see our house get sold so he could buy his dream van . I couldn 't stand these petty thoughts , how they made me feel like that dove I 'd had for a bit , all white , a beautiful thing . But you could tell she thought she was so much better than everyone else , wouldn 't eat or drink from the shared bowl , nor make friends though H - dog had tried many times . So I let her go on a December morning and watched her fly up until her wings matched the sky and she disappeared . " But where would we live ? " Sometimes you can 't help yourself . " We 'd live here , of course , " he said . He held his hands out , pretending to hold a steering wheel . " We could drive anywhere we wanted to , all over this continent . " " But what about my birds ? Where will they live ? " " With us , " Carl said , smiling . " There 's headroom above the cabinets for storage and things . " " I don 't think they 'd all fit . " " Well , maybe not all of them , " he admitted . " And what about my things ? My antiques , my china . They 're heirlooms . " Now the waitress was bringing our food , setting plates of greasy chicken fingers and flank steak on the table , asking us if we needed anything else . I waved my hand at her and Carl smiled . " No thank you , honey . " " Maybe you can give them to someone ? " He cut into his meat , his knife scraping harshly against the cheap ceramic plate . He avoided my gaze . " Who , Carl ? " I said , dropping my fork to my plate with a loud clatter . " Just who should I give them to ? " Back at the hotel , they gave us a room with two beds . I slept in one bed and Carl in the other , but neither of us said anything about it , just climbed into our beds and watched TV . Carl opened all his brochures and began to make more lists . He fell asleep with the catalogs still strewn over his bed and I listened to them slide down to the floor during the night . The convention center was too loud , too bright , as if the knob on everything had been turned up too high . The main hall smelled like fried cheese and was enormous , with large drafty doors on each wall . Campers of all sizes , and boats too , were jammed in at all angles . They bore names like Wolf Trekker and Salmon Syndicate 350 . The men , even some women , wore a lot of camouflage . Carl strode through the crowd , the list of RV manufacturers attached to a clipboard like a judge at a dog show . I kept my hands in my pockets , tapping my fingers against the cellular . We rarely took it anywhere , it was only for when Carl or me went to the store , one of us without the other . Carl didn 't know I 'd brought it . I was not supposed to call Harlan on it because Carl was afraid he 'd run up the bill or give the number to questionable characters . I needed to find a place to talk , a place that was quiet , a place where Carl couldn 't see me . I went into the ladies room . It wasn 't nearly as quiet as I 'd hoped . The PA system had speakers in there too , and every few seconds , the announcer 's voice came on , booming out the events of the day , where to sign up for raffles , and to remember to stop by the food court for fried chicken and jo - jos brought to you by the Daughters of the Confederacy . I tucked into the last stall , the big one for wheelchairs and handicapped and called my boy . Harlan did not say anything when he picked up , but there was dead air and the display on the phone kept counting up the seconds . " Harlan ? You there ? " " I 'm here , Grammie Jane . " His voice was heavy again , his words taking a lifetime to form . " Tell me what to do , Harlan . " A line was forming outside . The women grumbled about people taking too long . Have your pants unzipped , ladies ! , someone yelled out and the room rippled with fidgety laughter . Then the announcer came on again . " Where are you ? " Harlan asked . " An RV convention out at the expo center . " There was silence over the line while he absorbed this . " I guess y ' all are finally doing it , huh ? Sell the place and everything , I guess . " His voice was very small and carried the hurt of a little boy who had not been picked for a team . " Not necessarily , Harlan , " I said . " Getting you figured out comes first . " He found this funny and laughed so loudly I had to hold the phone away from my ear , but when I brought it back again , his laughter had turned to weeping . " I 've always been a puzzle , haven 't I , Grammie , " he said between sobs . Harlan gave me the address of a place and brief directions which I wrote down on the back of my program . There was no longer a line in the ladies room , but there was a young girl waiting with her mother . The girl was in a wheelchair , her legs like two brittle sticks . She wore a pained expression and wheeled herself into the stall , calling out , " Mama , please ! " to the mother who looked like she wanted to give me what for . The woman scurried past me . Soon , she said , " there , there . All better ? " Carl was angry with me for taking so long , for holding him up while he could have been looking . He said nothing when I told him my stomach was bad and I could either lie down or spend all day in the toilet . He handed me the keys and told me to pick him up at Entrance C at six . Harlan 's directions took me back downtown . Yesterday coming through here , the street kids were everywhere . I watched one pick up a cigarette a man in a suit had dropped and relight it . Their faces seemed to follow me , watching me , and finally I had slouched down so low in my seat , my eyes were level with the dash . This time , I didn 't mind it so much . I was on my way to save my boy and this knowledge made me feel hopeful toward everything . I beamed at those dirty - haired kids , imagining other parents , other rescues , until one of them flipped me off . From downtown , I turned south and followed the lines of row houses set so close together , you could toss an egg right into your neighbor 's window if she needed it . But this was not the kind of place where you borrowed from your neighbor . The yards and streets were littered with trash . Dogs barked from the backs of houses , and on one corner a man stepped on his dog 's head for no reason I could see except it was a mean - looking dog and a mean - looking man . I followed the numbers on the houses until I came to the one that matched what Harlan 'd given me , a place he said he was sharing with friends . It was not the worst looking house on the block because they were all the worst looking , but it did not have the lived - in quality like how the other houses had fresh trash , cars , or appliances on the lawn . A scrawny yellow cat crept around the corner of the house and slinked all the way round , hugging it 's skin - and - bones body to the foundation . I climbed down the steps and peered in the windows covered by thin sheets . The place had a TV and a ratty couch , but what broke my heart , a baby 's playpen off in the corner . Down a narrow hall , a small kitchen sat at the back . Dishes piled on the counter and floor . I walked to the back where that door stood open . " Hello ? " I called , " Anyone home ? Harlan ? " The skinny cat was on the counter licking from a bowl and looked up , frightened , when it saw me in the doorway . " Nice kitty . " I held my palm out as I walked in . " Nice , nice kitty . " It scrambled off the counter , knocking the bowl onto the floor where it shattered and splashed milk and cereal onto my shoes . I walked to the door of the hallway , calling out , " hello ? Hello ? " I opened the drawers of the kitchen but they were mostly empty except one that contained some wooden cooking utensils and a lot of spoons . The fridge reeked with the smells of rotting food , but in the door , on a surprisingly spotless shelf sat two vials of clear liquid that could 've been Harlan 's insulin except the labels had been torn off . I took the phone out again and called Harlan 's number . For a while nothing happened , which made me think Harlan had just gone somewhere real quick . But then I heard a phone ringing from the back of the house . The phone to my ear went to voicemail and the ringing stopped so I called again and the ringing began again . I followed the sound to a closed door . Harlan 's phone was in that room . Please god , I said , please god , please god , please . I have prayed many times for Harlan , prayed for many different things , but the thing I prayed hardest for was that I would not be the one to find my grandson dead . This shocked and angered the women at the support group I went to for a while , who said that it 's better to know he 's dead than to wonder every day of your life . They recited their mantra , " release with love " , reminding me that Harlan needed to move out , and until that happened , I couldn 't possibly understand what I was saying . Even after he moved to the city and we lost touch for months at a time , even then when I was up nights wondering where he was , what he was putting into his body , I still didn 't want to find him . I wanted to know , but I did not want to be the one who found his crumpled , cold body . I stood outside his door for a very long time , long enough for that cat to think I had gone and come back in , resume licking up the milk all over the filthy floor . Finally , I took a breath and pushed open the door . What I saw was worse , I think , than if I had seen his body : there was no one there at all . I dialed the phone again and it rang from beneath the one sheet covering a bare mattress on the floor . I saw other things of Harlan 's , his John Deere hat , his guitar ; things that told me he had been here and would likely come back again . I went back to the car . I sat with my hands clasped around the wheel and then I leaned forward , letting my head press down on the horn , a note I held while I screamed . After a few minutes , a black woman in a puffy orange shower cap came outside and yelled at me to shut the hell up . I did not return to the expo center though it was getting late and I was unsure of the way back . Instead , I drove round the block and stopped in front of his house again . I did this eight more times but nothing changed except that yellow cat came out and cleaned his whiskers on the steps . Carl was sitting alone on the curb outside Entrance C when I pulled up . A plastic bag was looped round his wrist and a neon green ruler poked out from the top . I left the car running as I got out of the driver 's side and into the passenger 's . Carl opened the rear door to place his bag in the back . In the car , he took one look at my face and softened , knowing everything at once in that same , ancient way he had of showing up at my door with coffee and country music , taking my husband down to the basement to sober up and remember we were not punching bags . On the way back to the hotel , Carl did not ask about Harlan and he did not talk about the RVs . His silence was an acknowledging one , not the angry kind that means someone is too mad to let you have it just now , but wait , it 's coming . No , his was the kind that said he recognized that change was something that happened over a lifetime , and sometimes not at all . I was almost mad at him for not yelling at me , though I couldn 't make sense of that . We went back to that same Shoney 's and had the same waitress . When she came to our table , she asked if we wanted the same drinks . " That 's right , " Carl said , " and when we finish those , you go right on ahead and bring us another , sugar . " Carl never was the type of person to let his anger show in public . He was much better about putting on a happy - face than me . I sat in the corner of the booth and moved the salt and pepper caddy , the drink menu and desert book into a half - circle around me , like a wall . The waitress brought us our drinks and Carl ordered for us both the same things we 'd had the day before . We drank our drinks , we ate our meal . We drove back to the hotel and when I began to climb into my bed , Carl threw back the covers of his and patted the spot next to him . He held me tight against his soft , round body and stroked my hair until I fell asleep . It was not another week when Harlan called again . Again in the middle of the night , again high and barely forming words . But this time he had called me on purpose , no mistake . I say this like I know what he was thinking , like I could be sure that somewhere beyond the doped - up haze , Harlan loved me and wanted me to love him back . But how can you know ? I did not answer the phone that night , though Carl was awake with me , ready to share it . We listened to Harlan 's voice on the machine , his apologies , saying that everything was all right , that he would be fine . Time , Grammie Jane , he said , I need more time . I 'm just not ready to come home yet . In the morning , I woke before Carl and took a mug of the previous day 's coffee out to the aviary . I walked very close to the screen and pressed my face against it . As Carl had asked so many years ago , I took both hands to it and tried to tear it down . But there was no give . With my face so close , I saw that the netting was made of very fine metal threads woven together with holes no bigger than the prick a needle makes in the skin . I went back to the kitchen and came out again with the pen I kept near the phone . I put the ballpoint into one of the holes and pulled down but the pen skittered over the surface . Then I pushed it forward and it made a hole big enough for my pinky . I worked it bigger and bigger , until two fingers could fit , and then I went to the shed and came back with Carl 's pruning shears , the ones with handles as long as my arms and it was quick work after that . The canaries were the first to fly away , almost immediately , but I did not blame them because they were small birds with small brains and no more loyalty to me than I had for them , plus I knew they had the best chance to survive . The parrot and my cockatiel went next , after a little coaxing , and a few false tries . H - dog was last . He perched on my shoulder while I , forcing myself not to think about what was going to happen to them come winter , encouraged the others to go . He picked through my hair like it was any other day . When he left , he carried some of it with him , coarse grey threads clutched in his beak . When Carl found me , sweating and sitting with my legs splayed out before me on the birdshit - covered floor , he only said , " oh , Jane . Oh , Jane . " I held out my hand . " It 's ok , Carl . Help me up . " |
The last couple of days I have shared a few different stories with all of you . ( God allowed me to go through a mess in the middle of my story time and I believe that in due time it will bring Him glory ! ) Anyways , what was the point of all of my stories ? ? ? ? ? The point that I want to come across through my stories is , what is really important in your life ? After the school shooting , the Christmas holiday and conversations I have had with different people lately , I felt God leading me to write this post . If you are one of the MANY people I have had a conversation with about any of these subjects please do not be offended this is NOT an attack on you in any way ! ! Over the past couple of weeks what has been consuming everyone 's thoughts ? ? ( Not everyone . . . . . but a large majority of the population . ) The first thing was GIFTS ! What am I going to buy my mom , sister , brother , dad , best friend , kids , teacher , wife , husband , dog . . . . . . . for Christmas . Is there something wrong with wanting to buy people gifts ? No , not at all . BUT . . . . . . . . I would see people post on FB please pray for ' Bob ' because they can 't afford to give their kids gifts this year . I saw my Pastor 's wife posting about people coming to the church asking for the church to buy gifts for their kids . We have organizations like Toys for Tots to make sure our kids get stuff for Christmas . Like that is THE most important thing about Christmas . * * Everyone who reads this blog knows that I am a Christian and obviously I think that Christ is the most important thing about Christmas , but that is actually not what this blog is about , stick with me : ) The second thing that people were talking about daily was the shooting at the elementary school . I saw people post and people talk about holding their kids a little tighter that day , or they turned off their computer to play with their kids that day and a couple days that followed . It was such a tragedy and people couldn 't believe it happened . I am not at all trying to downplay what happened . It was horrible no question about that , but why does it take something horrible happening to make people care a little more about others ? ? Since I have started blogging I have a good following of people who read my blog every time I blog . Then , when I went through my worst night ever , the number of people who read my blog that day quadrupled . . . . . . Why does it take me going through something horrible for people to " care " about me ? ? The fact is you do not know what is going to happen next week , tomorrow or even later today . My mom died the day after she seemed better than she had ever been . Mariela went from a spunky happy kid to being on a breathing machine and possibly having her brain drilled into . Michael and I were in an accident that wasn 't too bad , but what if it had been worse and we wouldn 't have been ok ? ? I have other mom 's who will tell me , I wish I could be a stay at home mom like you , but we just can 't afford it . No , what you can 't afford , is to give up your lifestyle , there is a difference . We don 't have cable , we don 't have really nice cars , we buy our clothes from second hand stores or yard sales . My 3 older kids have lived a part of their life with me working outside of the home . Awhile back they said something about wanting something and I said , well I can go back to work so we have more money . They ALL quickly said no and to this day have NEVER said anything about not having " stuff " . The fact is your stuff doesn 't matter ! ! ! The family and friends that you have in your life do matter ! ! ! Please , don 't wait until something " bad " happens in your life or the life of someone you know before you start loving on your family and friends . If I were to die tomorrow , I don 't ever want my family or friends to be able to say , I wish I could have spent more time with her . I want them to be able to say remember all of the fun times we had together . No , we may not have a lot of money and I may not buy my kids a lot of stuff that we can 't afford , but they get loved on everyday of the year ! I didn 't need a school shooting to make me stop using the computer and spend time with my family . I didn 't need a car accident to make me hug my kids a little tighter . I do that stuff daily ! ! ! My kids and my husband are my world and I make sure that they know this EVERYDAY of their lives ! ! I also try to go out of my way to make sure my friends know how much I love them . I have people over and cook them dinner and hang out . It may not be much , but it is a day that I am able to serve them and spend time with them and I know that for my real friends that is enough . I really want to encourage all of you who read my blog as we come up on the end of the year and start a new one to look at this past year . If you or someone you loved wasn 't here tomorrow what would you regret ? Would you regret not buying them something ? ? Or would you regret the time that you should have or could have spent with them ? ? Then this next year spend everyday showing your loved ones that they are what is most important in your life . . . . . . Not your stuff . You really don 't know what tomorrow holds and you don 't want to regret the time you missed out on with someone : ) Happy New Year 's eve . . . . be careful tonight ! ! ! ! One Sunday afternoon in October 2009 , Mariela told me that she had a headache and I didn 't think much of it . Later that evening she said that her head hurt really , really bad . I gave her some Tylenol and told her to go to bed and hopefully when she woke up she would feel better . The next morning Makayla came in my room and woke me up saying that Mariela was crying because her head hurt . I gave her some more Tylenol and she laid on the couch all day . I gave her Tylenol 2 more times throughout the day / evening . Before bed she was really crying so I asked her if she wanted me to take her to the hospital . She said yes , so off we went at midnight to the hospital . When we got there we signed in and were told that there were 16 people in front of us and there would be about a 4 hour wait to be seen . So her and I discussed if we should stay or not . We decided to go home and go to bed and go to her Dr first thing in the morning so we didn 't catch something waiting there sitting in the waiting room . Tuesday morning came and she still had a bad headache . We went to see her Dr and they looked at her and couldn 't see anything wrong except maybe some congestion so they sprayed some nasal spray up her nose and told me to give her Tylenol / Motrin every 3 hours . She went all day Tuesday after the apt feeling fine . We went over to my best friends house for dinner and she played and goofed off like she always does . Then again about 10pm she started saying her head hurt again . So I gave her some Motrin and she went to sleep . At 4am she woke me up crying that her head hurt again . She also started vomiting a little bit . I called the Dr because they said if the headache actually woke her up from sleep then I needed to call immediately . Dr said for me to take her to the ER so they could do more testing like a CT to make sure nothing else was going on . We got to hospital about 5 : 30am ( not one person in waiting room this time ! ! ) First , they tested her for strep and flu . When both of those came back negative they did blood work . When everything was normal with that they ordered a CT . After the results from that showed nothing was wrong he said the only other thing he could think to do was a spinal tap to check for meningitis . I did not really want to do this because I knew it would be very painful for her . The Dr saIn the midst of getting ready to transport her the blood work came back showing that her sodium levels dropped dangerously low . They started her on a sodium IV . The ambulance came and I rode with her over to Central Dupage hospital . When we got here there were 2 Dr 's and 6 nurses running around her trying to get her stable and get her up to CT . Honestly , all of this had me a nervous wreck . What was discovered was that her brain was swelling and the combination of the swelling and the low sodium was causing all sorts of new problems . It was causing her brain to tell her kidneys not to release urine and the swelling was causing the brain to be squished and caused the confusion . They put her on a breathing machine with a tube down her throat to help her breathe . They also put in a central line and an arterial port , one in each groin . They were talking about needing to drill a hole into her skull to release the pressure on her brain . They decided to hold off a little longer to see how she handled what they were doing . They kept her sedated and on antibiotics until they could see major improvement . But my little sweet petite girl was fighting the sedative and would sit up in bed and it would take anywhere from 3 to 5 nurses to hold her down ! She seemed not to be getting worse so they stopped discussing the drilling into the skull . We just had to sit and wait for the swelling to go down . Michael and I never left the hospital . They let us sleep in a room that they had their for parents . Family and friends came to visit and showed their support to us everyday ! People would bring us meals and sit with us to keep us company . People would go in her room and pray over her . The support that we received was amazing and I knew that God was using these people to help bring me His peace through this whole situation . On Sat morning they did another CT . The swelling seemed to be going down and they decided to take her off the ventilator . She was very sore and looked pretty miserable . It was so hard to see her still in pain , but it was 100x worse seeing my baby girl with all of the tubes and and on a breathing machine . I was so happy and relieved to see her off of them ! ! Even if she still wasn 't feeling 100 % better , this was a huge step forward ! ! We had snow Tuesday night and our car will not make it up or down our driveway because of the snow turned ice patches we have going up our pretty steep mountain driveway . Yesterday , Michael got home from work while it was still daylight out and he and I left the kids home and walked down the very slippery driveway to out car which we have to park at the bottom of . We were running into town to go to Wal - mart because we were out of everything . . . . . diapers , milk , eggs , juice , water , bread . . . . . . ( In a house with 8 people it is impossible to go that long without going to the store ! ! ) Anyways , after our trip to Wal - mart we wanted to go by the Tractor Supply store to buy some salt for the driveway . I was driving and my light turned green to turn into the Tractor Supply plaza and as I was turning another vehicle did not stop at their red light and ran right into the the side of our car . I was so incredibly scared ! I was in a little bit of pain too , but more scared and shook up than anything . We got out of the car and I started to ball my eyes out . All I really remember saying was thank God our kids weren 't with us ! The point of impact was the passenger side back door and trunk area , which is exactly where my kids would have been sitting . They could have been seriously injured if they were in the car . Praise God that Michael and I ( or the old guy who hit us ) were not hurt . Like I said I am a little sore , but I 'll be alright . Michael was totally unharmed and he was on the impact side . I have thanked God repeatedly that he wasn 't hurt . The guy who hit us had no business driving in my opinion . He was a older man ( 75 - 80 if I had to guess ) He said that he didn 't even see me . ( apparently he didn 't see the red light that he ran through either ) While we were waiting for the police / tow trucks I was asking him if he was alright . He said yes , and proceeded to tell me that he has some kind of medical condition ( He said the name , but I don 't remember it ) where he looses feeling in his feet and they go numb . Again , this man should have never been on the road ! The side of the car is messed up pretty bad . The door window broke upon impact ( I was picking glass out of my hair ) and the tire / rim is totally bent / tilting into the car . It is an old car and I am sure that the insurance company is going to write it off as a total loss . Meanwhile , our van has a broken alternator so we no longer have any means of transportation . Wonderful . While waiting the officer called me over to where he was standing . I walked over to him and when I got over by him he told me to turn around and put my hands behind my back . He said that there was an outstanding warrant for my arrest and proceeded to place me in handcuffs . I was totally freaking out . I was hysterically crying not knowing what was going on . I told Michael to go home and call our friend Carrie and ask her to sit with the kids so that he could meet me up at the jail . Then he put me in his police car . I can remember screaming because the handcuffs were so tight and hurt so bad . ( I know have handcuff marks and bruises on my wrists thanks to the VA state police dept . He never did loosen them and I stayed in them for a good 40 min . ) The next thing I know they are asking Michael for his license and putting him in handcuffs . They placed him in another police car and that cop took him strait to jail . My cop had to wait until the tow truck drivers came to move our cars from the road . While we were sitting there he asked me who 's car I took ? I was crying and asked what he was talking about . He said the warrant that was out for both of us was unlawful use of a vehicle , basically car theft only a little bit lighter of a charge . What ? ! ? Yeah . . . . . I 'm gonna steal a car . . . . . . Then it hit me . . . . Penske ! When we moved out to Lexington back in July we had a bad windstorm hit the weekend we moved . It knocked out power for days in Lynchburg where we moved from . It was over 100 degrees the whole time the power was out and because of this we had to keep the truck a little longer . With the kids ( Blake was only 2 months old ) we honestly were not able to do a whole lot of anything when it came to loading / unloading the truck during the day because it was just too hot . Blake and the other kids were not doing well in the heat and we would have to go anywhere around town that did have power and walk around so we were out of the heat during the day . Then at night we loaded / unloaded the truck . Well , apparently they reported the truck stolen . We got to the jail and I was balling my eyes out . I was so scared . I asked the officer to please call my friend ( since Michael never got to ) and he asked her to go sit with my kids because I had no clue how long we were going to be there . I sat waiting outside the office in the handcuffs that were causing me so much pain and cutting off circulation in my hands waiting for what was next . The officer told me that Michael had been put back in a holding cell . They never did put me in a holding cell , they just had me sit there . They were busy faxing paperwork and getting a magistrate who would see both of us via video from who knows where . While waiting for him the officer brings me out a paper telling me that he is notifying me that my license was suspended ( He said most likely because of the warrant ) and I was going to get a ticket for driving with a suspended license . . . . . Lovely , I was trying to stay positive and think that my bad luck streak had to be over and Mr . Cop was quick to burst that happy bubble for me . . . . . . . . He took me into the room where the video magistrate thing was going to take place and FINALLY took off my handcuffs . When he did , I saw his face go white . I guess he must have thought I was exaggerating when I said the cuffs hurt and when he took them off he realized that I was serious . My wrists were the darkest pink / red ever and I had indentations all over my wrists . It looked like they were still on even when they were off . Anyways , I sat there waiting and Michael 's holding cell was across from the room where this was going on and I could see him looking at me through the little window in the door and my heart was just breaking . He would put his hand up to the glass and I saw him blow me a kiss . I know he was so worried about me because I was so scared . Finally , the magistrate came on via video and I talked with him and they gave me a unsecured bond of $ 1000 . Meaning , that I didn 't have to pay anything and they were going to release me home , but if I don 't show up to court then there is a $ 1000 bond out on me . Michael went in after me and the magistrate told him he had a secured bond in the amount of $ 2000 . Meaning , we have to pay $ 2000 to get him out or he sits in jail until our court date . Michael was young and stupid back in the day ( long before we were married ) and didn 't have a clean record like I did so that is why our bonds were different . My friend Carrie went by and got my groceries out of our car at the tow truck place then came to pick me up from the jail . Michael is currently still in jail until I can get down there today with some money . I am home now , but still very shaken up over this . I think I got maybe 2 hours of sleep . I am so thankful for friends and family who have stepped up and helped out during this whole mess ! ! We go to court in about a week and I am praying that this whole thing is just a huge misunderstanding and that it gets dropped . Not sure what in the world is going to happen with the car yet or how we are going to get around , but what I do know is that what Satan intends for evil God can use for good ! I am praying and trusting that God is in control of this whole situation and that He is going to handle it for us . I know that His hand was on us when we were in the accident and I know it is today also ! ! ! ο»Ώ Living With CancerYou know the old saying about children needing an entire village to help raise them ? This is so true . I learned this myself after my daughter was born . It was 2005 and it was a good year , at least to start with . On August 4 , 2005 , our sweet Lily entered the world . My husband 's family , my family , and all of our friends surrounded us with love and support when Lily arrived . Life was good . However , it wasn 't so good when I had to go back to work and began feeling ill . At first , I thought it might have just been new mom stuff , but eventually I knew that the exhaustion , fatigue , lack of energy , and breathlessness that I was experiencing was something else . Three and a half months after giving birth , on November 21 , 2005 , I was diagnosed with mesothelioma , a type of cancer caused by asbestos exposure , which I 'd unknowingly had as a child . My doctor told me that without treatment I 'd live for about 15 months . I knew that was not an option , and as any mother would , I did what I had to do to keep myself alive and be there to raise Lily . What I had to do included flying to Boston . This is where we would meet Dr . David Sugarbaker , one of the best mesothelioma doctors in the country . In February , he performed my extrapleural pneumonectomy surgery , which included the removal of my left lung . I spent nearly three weeks recovering . That was followed by two months of recovery time and then chemo and radiation as well . During my time in Boston , I met other people who were going through the same things that I was . These amazing people became my friends , and they helped me get through each and every day . While I was in Boston , my daughter lived with my parents in South Dakota , in my childhood home . Since my parents worked full time , they had their own little village . They were surrounded by love and support and encouragement from the people who they go to church with . Kids I babysat as a teen were all grown up with their own families , and they even volunteered to watch Lily during the day when my parents wereHeather , her husband and Lily * * * * * Cancer is such a horrible thing to go through . Not only did I have to deal with my mother dying of cancer , but my grandmother has survived breast and stomach cancer and my grandfather has survived prostate and throat cancer . If there are precautions that we can take to not get it , then do it . I know how much it sucks to not have a mother around and I know that none of you want that for your children ! ! * * * * * Posted by My mama There are some of you who have not known me for very long or only know me through this blog so I am sharing this with you today . My mom passed away a month after I graduated high school . She had been sick with cancer for almost two years before she died and this is my story through those two long years . During my junior year of high school my mother developed a really bad cough . At first she thought it was just a cold , but it didn 't go away and continued to get worse . She finally decided to go to the Dr and get it checked out . After different scans it was found that my mother had lung cancer . She had been a bartender for many years and this was most likely the result of all those years working around the smoke . She started chemo and it seemed to work good . She never really got sick like a lot of people do on chemo . She was really weak and tired for a few days after her treatments , but was her normal spunky self . Her hair fell out and we eventually just shaved all of her hair off . After the treatments she was rescanned and everything was clear . The cancer was gone . Now onto my year of hell , my senior year of high school . It all started in September / October of 1998 . ( I honestly think it was Oct , but maybe as early as Sept I don 't remember the day , but I remember EVERY detail of this night as if it was this morning ) One night I came home after going out with my boyfriend , the house was dark except for the kitchen light that was left on for me . I went in my room and went to bed because no one was up . Not too long after going to sleep my bedroom door opens and all I hear is " No , Leslie is in her bed . She is here ! It is Joyce she isn 't here " I got out of bed to find out what in the world was going on . I go out to the living room and there was a police officer at our house . He said that they picked up a lady walking down the side of the road with only one shoe on . The only thing she kept saying to them was my name . So they picked her up and brought her back to the police station . My grandfather and I left to go pick up my mother from the police station and my grandmother stayed at home . I can remember being terrified out of my mind ! I didn 't know what was going on or what had happened to her . We got to the station ( by now it is about 3 something in the morning ) and she was just sitting in a chair waiting for us to get her . After we got there the police told us that they had received a call from a bar owner . As he was leaving he saw a car in the parking lot still running with the lights on but there was no one in it and there was a lady walking down the side of the street so he called the police . They figured that she was drunk . Earlier that evening my mom had gone over to my aunts house to make Christmas ornaments and she left my aunts house at 10 something to come home . ( which btw was only about 5 miles from where we lived ) But something happened and she ended up at Bonita Beach Rd ( which is a good 25 miles from our house ) We had no clue what was going on . My mom was very confused . The police said they couldn 't get her to say anything except for my name . We took her back home anMy mother seemed to be getting better after the treatments . On my 18th bday in November we went up to Orlando for a couple of days . She was living life just as she always had . A scan after her last treatment showed that all of the tumors were gone ! It was a miracle to me . She had gone from Dr 's saying that she wouldn 't make it 6 months to being tumor free . In the meantime I had applied to college , I was working at Sweet Tomatoes , and playing Varsity softball . In Jan of 1999 I got my acceptance letter to USF . She was so happy ! Her dream was to see me graduate and go to college . She had gotten pregnant and had my brother at the age of 16 so she never finished school . She was so much more excited than I was . In Feb we went to check out the school and go to orientation . While we were at orientation that weekend my mother was having trouble walking around . It was hard for her to climb the stairs . She just couldn 't seem to lift her leg high enough . I helped her around that weekend and when we got back home she called the Dr and they scheduled another CT scan . The scan showed that the tumors had returned but this time in her back . One of them was pushing on her nerve and that is why she was having so many problems getting around . The oncologist told us then that the type of cancer that she had was just going to keep spreading through out her body . It was aggressive and just kept popping up in other places . They once again started her on radiation treatments . I really was fortunate that it didn 't affect her much . We went shopping and she bought me ever thing that I was going to need to take to college the next year and acted as she normally did . She was always so strong and didn 't let this cancer get her down much . Well , after those couple of weeks things took a turn and got bad quick . Because of the tumor in her back she would sit a lot because it was so hard to walk . Well , she started to have a lot of pain in her butt and as it turned out she had bed sores from sitting all of the time . We had to get Hope Hospice help after that . We got a hospital bed so she could lay down and relieve the pressure and hopefully the sores would heal . They had a nurse that came over everyday to check on her and change her dressings . It was very difficult and painful for her to get out of bed all of the time so someone would always have to help her in and out of bed , in and out of the car , in and out of the shower , toilet , dinner table , pretty much everything ! I didn 't really like having the nurse come over everyday and I asked if she could show me how to take care of the dressings and things with my mom so she didn 't have to come everyday . They agreed and showed me what to do . After that they only came by 3 times a week to check up on her . During this time I quit my job , and playing softball so I could be around more . I was also able to drop my first class of the day in school so I could come in later so I could be there with her in the mornings . When I was at school my dad would help her around the house or take her to her Dr apt if I couldn 't take her . Well , one day when he was helping her out of the car he accidentally dropped her and that terrified her . After that she was very scared to get around . I would literally have to put my arms around her and use my legs to help her up and out of the bed and into her wheelchair . Then do the same thing in the car , chairs , toilet , etc . It got to where she wouldn 't let anyone do it but me . Then June came . My graduation day : ) There was NOTHING that was going to keep my mom from going to my graduation . She let my dad get her dressed and in and out of the car to go to my graduation . This was the happiest I have ever seen her . She was SO proud of me ! I graduated and we went back home and celebrated , ate cake and took pictures . After this day things started turning for the worse . As time went on she got weaker , she didn 't want to eat , because she didn 't want to get out of bed . She decided that she wanted the nurse to put in a catheter so she wouldn 't have to get up as much . She would only eat egg drop soup . Either my dad or myself would go to the Chinese place everyday and get her some and that is what she lived off of . By now the tumors had returned to her brain and she was confused a lot of the time . She would tell me everyday how we needed to go and buy stuff for me to go off to college and other things we had already done . It was so hard to see her like that . She could remember thing from a long time ago , but things that were in recent memories she would usually forget . She still never lost her good attitude . I do although remember her asking me many times to let her go live in the hospice center , because she didn 't want me to have to take care of her , but I couldn 't do that ! We went for another CT scan and discovered that the cancer had spread like crazy . It was in her brain , her lungs , her back , and her kidneys ( or liver something like that ) So we decided to stop the chemo and radiation treatments . They were not helping and it was just too difficult to get her in and out of the house as many times as she needed to go . Over the next month she stayed the same . Never sick , never complained . We celebrated her 52nd birthday in June . In the beginning of July most of my family had come to see her . All of her brothers and sisters and a few cousins , and nieces . She enjoyed seeing them and spending time with everyone around . People came and went for about 2 weeks in the beginning of July . Then one night when we were making dinner my mom said she wanted to sit at the table and eat dinner with us . This was very strange , as I said earlier she didn 't eat real food anymore . I helped her out of bed and put her in her wheelchair and we all sat at the table and ate chicken and mashed potatoes . Two days later my world came crashing down all around me . My mom was saying how much her stomach hurt . I called the hospice nurse and she came over to check on her . She wasn 't sure what was going on and gave her some meds to help her feel better . She also gave us a pamphlet about stages of death and how to tell when the time was getting close . As the day went on she kept getting worse , the nurse came back and checked on her again . She was able to conclude that the reason my mom was in so much pain was because her body was shutting down and releasing toxins into her body that were causing her so much pain . They told me that I had to go over and tell her that it was ok to go and that she was hanging on because of me . I balled my eyes out and told them that I could not tell my mom that it was ok to die . They all stood around her and told her it was ok to leave and that I would be ok . She kept hanging on . Her breathing was getting shallow and hard for her . They again told me to tell her she could go . Finally , I held on to her hand and kissed her and told her that she could go and that I was going to be alright and that I loved her so much . I don 't know the exact length of time after that happened that she died ( it seemed like an eternity , but was probably only like 30 seconds later ) I didn 't know what to do . I had to call the nurse and tell her , my step dad , and my boyfriend . I can remember calling my dad and telling him to hurry up and come over because I think my mom just died . The nurse came over and confirmed she was dead and ordered for someone to come and get her . The people came and asked all of us to go into our rooms so that they could put her body in a bag and take her away . My boyfriend stayed with me all night as I cried and cried . I looked through pictures and watched videos . My heart had never felt so much pain before in my life , I was dead inside . This year of my life was the hardest I have ever had to endure . I wouldn 't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy . I know a lot of you are going through your own hard times . I really hope that sharing my story with you will help you in some way . It wasn 't easy , but I know I am who I am today for what I went through . I honestly was only a kid when my mom died and was forced to grow up . I wish more than anything that my mom was still here and could have seen any of my wonderful kids , but I know what God is able to use my pain to help reach out to others . There are hard days every once in a while , but time does heal . I also want those of you who are going through some of these things to know that you will get through this . There were so many hard days that I didn 't think I was going to make it through , but I did ! And so will you ! For those of you reading this who were friends with me in HS I doubt you knew all of this because I did pretty much keep it to myself , but now you know why I was so " distant " as I was told . This isn 't something I talk about often because the pain is still there of seeing my mom suffer , but if I am able to give hope to anyone then sharing my story is worth it . I try to live my life to the fullest because I don 't know what tomorrow holds . I try not to re - live this experience very much . I do think of my mom , but I think of the good times . I know of a few people who really let themselves get depressed over the loss of a loved one ( I am talking about years later , not right after it happens ) to where it affects their life now . I have 6 kids and a husband who love and need me everyday ! I can 't live in the past of I wish . . . . . . . My mom is gone and all I have now is what is in front of me and I CHOOSE to be happy and focus on those who need me : ) ο»Ώ One thing I go through like crazy in this house is window cleaner ! ! 6 kids = 12 hand prints on my windows , doors , mirrors and fish tank ! I go through this stuff like it is water ! About a year ago a friend of mine introduced me to DIY cleaning products . I decided to ask her about recipes for window cleaner . She gave me one that I love ! ! ! I LOVE this stuff ! ! ! I use it all of the time and I have NEVER bought store cleaner again after trying this recipe . It cleans good and it doesn 't leave streaks . Best part ? ? It is CHEAP to make and it doesn 't contain strong chemicals . * * I clean my windows with paper towels . I know some people say to wash them with newspaper because it works better , but I really don 't like the feeling of newspaper on my hands . The paper towels work just fine : ) * My family LOVES my hamburgers : ) It is rare that anyone in my family orders a hamburger from a restaurant when we go out to to eat . They say that the restaurant doesn 't compare to mine : ) What an awesome compliment ! Get a stick of butter and cut slices to put on the bread . * If you want your bread nice and golden this is the trick . . . . . do not spread butter onto the bread . Use the butter slices and place bread onto your skillet , butter side down . I had a dear friend of mine tell me the other day that she was surprised to see that our family is doing Elf on the Shelf . She didn 't see us as Elf on the shelf people . I guess she is right . We don 't do anything in this house that has to do with Santa , so why would we do Elf on the Shelf ? ! ? ! ? * For any of you who might not know what Elf on the Shelf is let me explain it to you . There is a story book that comes along with the Elf and it explains that the Elf is magical . You name him / her and they become part of your family . Then every night he / she flies back to the North Pole to report back to Santa and tell him if you are being naughty or nice . Then he / she flies back and reappears in a new location the next morning to watch over everyone again . Well , about a month ago I was on Pinterest and I saw a pin about a lady who was incorporating Jesus into her Elf on the Shelf . This drew my attention and I clicked on it and read her blog . I really liked her reasoning behind it . Basically , the Elf gets into mischief at night and " sins " and it is our job to show grace and forgiveness to the Elf just as Jesus forgives us daily . Now , this I can work with . I figured that the kids would have a lot of fun with this and I can use it to continue to teach them their life lessons on grace and forgiveness : ) Win - Win scenario . So far the kids are having a lot of fun with it . They wake up in the morning and the first thing that they do is find our elf Joy : ) Even when she makes a mess they still have fun with it : ) She helped decorate We do not do a bunch of Christmas presents on Christmas morning . My children do not believe in Santa and are not expecting him to bring them a million toys . Actually , we do not buy them any presents on Christmas . They will get something from their grandparents , but we don 't buy them big gifts . We will fill their Christmas stockings with candy and little stuff , but that is it . Christmas is NOT about gifts . In my opinion our culture is way to materialistic . People tend to only care about themselves and what they are going to get . Black Friday has turned into knocking people down ( and in some places even shootings have occurred ) because people want to buy something on sale . Some people feel that their kids need to have 50 + presents to open on Christmas morning . It is absurd . Our kids do NOT need a million toys . They break , I get annoyed with picking them up , and more importantly they don 't NEED them . We started this tradition a couple of years back . We decided that instead of buying our kids gift for Christmas we were going to spend Christmas focused on what Christmas is actually is about ! We spend the month of December focused on Christ , our friends / family and others in our community . Everyday leading up to Christmas we pick a different activity that has a Christmas type of theme . We do something fun together as a family , a craft or something for others in our community . I LOVE CHRISTMAS ! ! ! ! Just in case there may still be someone out there unaware of that little fact ! This year we actually have a big house and I want to make sure it shows off my love for the Christmas season ! ! It is all well and fine that I want to have a beautifully decorated house , but our budget doesn 't seem to think that is a good idea . . . . . Sooooo . . . . . off to the Dollar Tree I went : ) The budget was in agreement that I could make a trip there . I went into our yard and found some old branches and spray painted them white . ( I actually bought spray paint at Wal - mart for 97 cents . The vase came from Goodwill for 55 cents ) I added ornaments from the Dollar Tree and . . . . Ta da . . . . . I love it , it 's simple but it looks good . I also made this using frames , ribbon , scrap booking paper and a bow . I am really happy with how it is shaping up ! ! I spent under $ 30 at the Dollar Tree and I still have lots of stuff left to figure out what to do with : ) Here are some pictures of it all flowing together . A little over five months ago I was asked by our landlord to clean his two rental properties . His rental houses happen to be frat houses ! That means 6 - 7 college age boys living under one roof and never cleaning for the whole 10 months out of the year that they live there ! ! ! IT WAS GROSS ! ! I can do that ! ! I was actually excited because I remembered pinning something from Pinterest where the inside of the cake looked like a rainbow . Off to Pinterest I went . . . . . Only to discover that my pin didn 't lead to anywhere except a picture . No directions what - so - ever on how to make it . Luckily for Gabby I am good in the kitchen and I am fully capable of figuring it out all by myself . First , Get a box of white or vanilla cake mix . ( I made my own , but I was not overly impressed with the flavor so I am going to leave that recipe out until I find one that I am happy with ! ) Divide your mix up into different bowls . I wanted 5 different colors in my cake , so I used 5 bowls . Use as many or as little colors as your little heart wants to use : ) Time to add your cake mix : ) Add the color that you want on the outside ring first . Then , the next color that you want in your ring you need to pour right into the middle of the pan . ( Now , if I would have been using my brain that day I would not have put yellow and blue next to each other . Remember back to kindergarten ? ? ? Yellow + Blue = Green . Try to remember that kind of stuff when you decide what colors to pout next to each other ! ! ) |
It was dark but I could see . My eyes were closed but I could see . I saw the love of my life , Penny , on my right , sitting by my hospital bed holding my hand . I couldn 't feel it . I saw Buck sitting in his usual stretched out position on a chair to my left . I wanted to kick at his feet like I always did to him in my office lobby , but my legs wouldn 't move . Matter of fact , I couldn 't move any part of my body . I was lying on the bed and I had no idea why I was there , and why Penny and Buck were starting to fade out . I could hear a small sound coming from my right , it was a beeping noise , like you hear in those hospital shows where the patient was hooked up to a heart monitor . Was I hooked up to a heart monitor and was that noise coming from my vitals ? The room was getting darker now and the beeping was starting to fade as well . It was cold and totally dark now , but I started to remember , I could start to see where it all began . Mornings in my office was generally a time for quiet , I would check my computer for emails , then open the snail mail that arrived the day before , I hadn 't been in my office to greet the mail - person . I say mail - person because I 'm not trying to be politically correct , but it changed every so often , a male one day , female the next , I never knew what gender it would be . Okay , I was being politically correct , it was built into me to be politically correct . I wasn 't happy with my DNA at times , but I learned to accept it . I hadn 't seen Buck in about two weeks , since he went out to visit Maria in Las Vegas . It was kind of lonely without him . Before he went out to Vegas , we had just came back from our adventures out in Colon , Michigan where we went for the magic convention , and got caught up in magic and murder . It was there that we had met Vicky , the widow of the murdered magician Fred , she was a friend now and Penny and Vicky talked every so often on the phone since she lived across the state in Grand Rapids . Penny and I bought Vicky a Toy Yorkie , just like our Willy , to be a companion for her since her husband 's death . She loved her pup , and would frequently call Penny for advice on taking care of the dog . I think she also called to hear a friendly voice , too . I hadn 't had a new client in about a week ; since returning I had a couple spousal spying jobs and one background check on a new employee some company had asked for . I wasn 't making a lot of money , but between the finder 's fee from the mistress murder and the inheritance from my late friend Marty , I really didn 't have to work , but I enjoyed the job . Penny would rather I stayed home and took care of Willy , but I knew I couldn 't . Not that I didn 't want to take care of Willy , but I had to be doing something out of the house just to keep me alive . Penny was concerned about me getting shot , and I would joke about her finally getting my money if I was shot . She didn 't think it was funny . I turned on the new 42 inch LCD TV I had put in my office to watch Penny 's talk show , and also to give me something to do on boring days . Penny 's show hadn 't started yet and out of 125 channels I ended up watching a History Channel show on the origins of the National Parks of the U . S . , it was interesting . Peter Coyote , the actor , was the narrator , I had to listen really hard to figure out who it was , he did sound a lot like Henry Fonda . I cheated and went to my computer and Googled the show to see who the host was . I spun in my squeaky desk chair and looked out my office window onto Garfield Road , traffic was light today . It was early , just after the morning rush to work and just before the lunch rush . I spun back to change the channel on the TV to the cartoon network and watched my favorite character , Bugs Bunny . The cartoon running at the moment , had Bugs dressed in women 's clothing to throw off Elmer Fudd , Bugs dressed in women 's clothing a lot I noticed . I wondered about Bugs . I shut the TV off , I still had an hour before Penny 's show would start , and I sat back thinking about playing Mah Jong tiles on my desktop computer , when my phone rang . I answered with my best " Richards Investigations , how may I help you ? " , and a rather gravely voice said , " Mr . Richards ? " " Mr . Richards , dis is Angelo , from when we met in Vegas . " The gruff voice was now recognizable . Angelo was an enforcer for the Traviano mob family who helped me a great deal with tracking down the Bridezilla killer out in Vegas , when Penny and I got married out there . He paused , I wasn 't sure if he was afraid to ask or just trying to get his brain in gear . " I gotta relative out in Detroit , he needs some help and he don 't want to involve da cops or da family . He needs to keep it private , I thought of you . " " Well , he runs a small strip club down around da Detroit border and one of his goils came up missing . He needs someone on da outside to find her . It 's complicated . He don 't want me involving my connections with da family in Detroit either , wants ta keep it on da QT . " " Hey , Mr . Richards , I appreciate da help . You is good people . I let him know to talk with youse . " He said good - bye and hung up . I turned on the TV again and watched Bugs some more , up until Penny 's show came on . She had a couple of kids on her show talking about science experiments that they created for a science fair at a local school . They proceeded to blow up a couple of things with just the power of baking soda and then they made a paper - mache volcano erupt all over the stage . After Penny thanked the children and sent them off , she introduced a man who tested all those products you see advertised on TV . He demonstrated the ones he brought with him and gave his ratings as to their usefulness . It was interesting to see some fail his tests and some even passed . The show ended and I flipped around the channels and found nothing worth watching , so I shut it off . I went to the couch and relaxed until my door opened and in walked a rather rough looking biker type . Tats all up and down his arms flowing up his neck and he was wearing a black Harley t - shirt with the sleeves ripped off to show off the elaborate tattoos . His arms looked like a soccer team could play on them , they were huge . He had one of those Fu Manchu mustaches and his hair was pulled back to a ponytail that ran down to his belt . " Hello , are you Jim Richards ? " He spoke clearly and enunciated his words carefully . He had a very nice radio announcer type voice , deep and booming , sounding like he had some voice training . " Yes , sir , I was . He praises you highly , and when Angelo speaks I listen . " He was smiling now and had a nice set of choppers , the teeth , not the cycle . " Please sit . " I directed him to the client chair and he sat . I went to my desk chair , sat and leaned forward on my desk . " Angelo said you had a lady friend disappear ? " " Yes , she 's one of my dancers and a close personal friend . I have a strip club , the Side Door lounge , and she worked for me . I don 't want to involve the police if I can help it , I called Angelo for advice , he 's actually my cousin , and he told me about you . I need someone to find her and make sure she 's all right . " " My name is Ron Santos , I 've owned the Side Door Lounge for about six years and we 've never had any problems until recently . There 's another strip club nearby , Heaven 's Gate , that has recently changed owners and since then , they have been trying to hustle my dancers into working for them . Good dancers who can work and shake it , are hard to find . " " They come in occasionally and have made no serious threats yet , but I 've heard from the girls that they are asking them to jump ship and work for them . They 're a strange bunch , there 's usually three of them and they are always dressed in black suits . I thought they were cops or Feds when they first appeared , they ordered soft drinks , so I figured they were working . Then one of my girls told me what they wanted . I just stayed away from them as long as they stayed cool . Then last week , one of my girls said that they told her she should come work for them or she may regret not making the move . " " I 'm sorry , it 's Marina Koska , she disappeared day before yesterday . Her room mate said she didn 't come home after her shift at the club , and she hasn 't been seen since . I don 't know if they were behind it , they never really threatened harm , but maybe it 's a warning . " " They could be saying quietly that this is what could happen if the girls don 't cooperate . They don 't have to announce that they did it , just makes people nervous . " I offered . " Back in the early 70 's I used to live in strip clubs , Duchess Lounge was my favorite . " I said , he acknowledged the place , " I know what the men can be like in there . You said Marina is an illegal , she the only one in your club ? " He looked sheepish , his eyes went to the floor , generally a sign of avoidance . " I do have a few girls who have questionable credentials , look , I try to give them a start here until they can establish citizenship . I help them get away from the Russian Mafia in their country who force good looking women into prostitution and stripping in their clubs for little or no pay . The girl 's who refuse usually end up in a black body bag or at the bottom of the Volga . Marina ran away from that life and I gave her a chance . She 's kind of special to me . " " I have a friend who lives in Kiev and he has underworld connections there . I 'd rather not say what kind , but it has to do with the government , ours I mean . He frequents many of the clubs looking for black market dealings and he has connections with a couple shipping companies where he has smuggled numerous women out in packing cases . It 's not the best form of travel , but at least they reach their destination and hopefully freedom . " " He 'd be dead if they did , but Chaz is a lot crazy and not afraid of much . He hates injustice and he 's a sneaky bastard . He could smuggle the body of Stalin out of the country if he put his mind to it . " I laughed to myself at the image of Stalin in a shipping crate . " Okay , Marina left work , heading home and never showed . How did she get home , car , cab or walk ? " " She didn 't have a car , it would mean she 'd need a driver 's license , of course that would be impossible . She usually took a cab , they generally hang around the club at shift change for a fare . I asked the cabbies last night if any of them seen her or gave her a ride and they said they hadn 't . She was pretty independent and usually went out by herself at night , when I wasn 't around . Otherwise I 'd walk her to a cab . The night she vanished I wasn 't around . " He looked sad and rubbed his face with his massive hands . I handed him my fee card and said I would help if he wanted me . He looked at the card and said money was no problem , he just wanted Marina back , safe and in one piece . I handed him my pad and pencil and asked him to write down any information about Marina that would help me to find her and some contact info to reach him . I asked if he had a picture of her , he said he 'd get one to me . " Oh , hell , no . If it was I 'd be treading water carefully . I think there is some biker gang connection , but I 'm not sure where the operational money comes from . At least I haven 't heard that the club was mob connected and Angelo said he would check on it for me , quietly . I haven 't heard anything yet . " " The mob families here are not too friendly with the Traviano family , so having Angelo push would be a minor disaster . And I don 't want to see anyone get whacked , as they say on TV . " He smiled . " I let him do some snooping to see what we were up against , that 's all , I don 't want Angelo getting in trouble . " Ron laughed at my reference and went to his back pocket and took out his wallet attached to a heavy chain attached to his belt . Biker wallet . He opened it and took out five hundred in large bills and dropped it on my desk saying , " The advance , and let me know any progress you have . " " For Angelo 's cousin , I 'll keep you posted . " I smiled , handed him my card and we stood , shook hands and he said , " I hope you will be very discreet about her being illegal , I want her to stay . " I said I would and he left . " Naked women and hookers , you would be in heaven . I have a case , no info right now , confidential , but it may involve the Heaven 's Gate Lounge . I 'd really appreciate anything you could get on it . They 've had an ownership change in the last couple months and I need to know who has it now . Before I blunder into something I don 't want . " " Don 't I always , thanks and talk later . " We hung up and I sat back in my chair , contemplating calling Buck . He was probably enjoying himself out in Sin City , but he might want to get in on the action of strip joint investigating . Besides he doesn 't need all that sex out there . It 'll wear him out . I reached for the phone . " That 's right , a strip club , I have a missing person to find , a young dancer who disappeared from the strip club . That 's about all that 's going on here . " I didn 't come right out and suggest he come back , I just told him how my work was doing here and let him make his own decisions . He was quiet for a moment , then he said to hold on . He put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone , but I could hear through his fingers . " Maria , it 's Jimmy , I can tell he 's having problems with a really big case , I really think I should go back and bail him out . . . Yeah , he needs me , I can tell . . . I know , I 'd miss you too , baby , but Jimmy is really in over his head on this one . . . Yeah , babe , I can come back after I help my friend solve his case . It shouldn 't take too long . . . You got it . " He came back on the phone and said , " Hey , can you pick me up at Metropolitan airport , I 'll call with my flight arrival . You really need my help on this one , Jimmy . I 'll talk later , " and he hung up . I hated myself , but I really could use the big guy to help me . This case sounded a bit dangerous , maybe . Buck loves danger and doesn 't take crap from anyone . That 's what I needed to go into the jaws of death and work this case . Okay , I 'm being dramatical but he really would help right now . Besides Buck loved anything to do with strip bars , so this was right up his alley . I didn 't have anything more to do in my office , so I decided to close it up and head home . I couldn 't see anything from Penny 's show that I would have to worry about when I arrived . I closed up and drove out 15 Mile Road and down to our modest home on Lake St . Clair . I pulled into the drive and parked in my space and went in to find Penny standing at the snack bar between the kitchen and the family room . She had a bunch of boxes on the counter and gave me a really big grin when I came in the front door . Willy was bouncing around my feet , I reached down and petted him . " Sweetie , you 're home , I 'm so glad . " I suddenly felt a chill when she said that . I came over to her as she threw her arms around me and gave me a big kiss . She backed off and said , " Take your shirt off , please . " I was a bit taken back by that and asked why . She said to just do it and started to unbutton my shirt . I knew it would do no good to fight her , so I let her strip me from the waist up . She examined my arms and chest and picked up some kind of pad with a strap around the back of it . She slid it on her hand and proceeded to stroke the thing down my arm causing a raw burn as it ran across the hairs on my arm . I yelled in pain , and pulled my arm back and looked to where she had rubbed off the hairs . " What the hell was that ? " I demanded . She laughed and said it was a hair removal device that they show on TV , and she wanted to try it on a really tough load of hair . She knew I didn 't like the hair on my body and once when we were a bit tipsy , all right a lot tipsy , she shaved my upper body of all the hair she could find , short of my beard and the sparse hair on my head . I was in pain from razor burn for days when I sobered up . She took my arm again and started to finish the job , saying " Yes , the rest are household miracle devices . " She was a little more careful with the pad this time and made me sit on a stool while she finished my arm . I said that I was a bit unbalanced with one arm smooth and the other hairy . She worked on the other and it came out well . It didn 't hurt as much as the razor incident and I was pleased with the results . " Good and yes . Everyone is fine , Angelo just called for a favor . I have a case now to find a missing woman . " I didn 't really want to say more , but I didn 't like keeping things from Penny , I usually regretted it . " Okay , you 'll find out soon enough , the woman I 'm supposed to find is a stripper at a club in Detroit . She went missing two days ago and her boss - slash - boyfriend is worried , so he called his cousin Angelo and Angelo recommended me . " " Ah , I see . So when do we go to the strip club ? " she asked with eyes wide . I knew this would happen , especially after the visit to the strip club out in Vegas . " We is not the word right now . Sorry , but Buck is flying back tomorrow and he and I are going to check out the place to be sure it 's safe then maybe you can come to get your jollies . " I said as firm as I could . " I honestly don 't know , getting tired if it ? Or is it just that we dive into sex without any stimulus beforehand . When a man goes to a strip club he knows he won 't get any sex from the woman there , so the excitement is the expectation to have great sex when he gets home to his wife . We just jump into it because we don 't need the stimulus , you 're horny all the time . " She whacked my arm and said to behave . " You think this club could be unsafe for me ? And why is Buck coming back from his love nest with Maria ? " She grilled me now . " Especially when you mentioned a strip club , that was low . You knew he couldn 't resist that . I 'm ashamed to call you my husband . " She smiled and aimed some kind of device at me and started poking me with it . I grabbed at it and examined the thing , it was some kind of device for scrapping the crud off your feet . I handed it back to her and told her to keep it away from me . She put it back on the counter and put her arms around me . " Only if you 're naked . " I grinned back . She let me go and started heading to the porch where the pole was mounted , I just stood there and then I saw her arm come around the door holding her blouse . I went to the porch . " Well , I contacted a friend in the precinct that covers that part of town , name 's Earl Daws , homicide Lieutenant , and he said the Heaven 's Gate Lounge was purchased by a consortium out in New York . It 's a company named Rex Erotica , Earl says it translates to " King Porn " , and they own numerous strip clubs in New York City . They 've been under investigation for trafficking in prostitution and possible slavery . Your missing girl could be in real trouble . Want the cops in on it , this could help to shut them down ? " " Hell , yeah , great guy for a Mafia bone breaker . " he laughed . " Well , I 'm working for his cousin here and the problem with the missing girl . . . I can trust you can 't I ? " He said I could , " Okay , the girl isn 't exactly legal in this country , and to be found by the authorities would be cause for her to be sent back to her country of Russia and possible death . " He was quiet as I waited for a reply . I was at Metropolitan Airport by 7 A . M . waiting for Buck 's flight to arrive . I watched the people all milling about waiting for loved ones or friends to come in on the flights from places unknown . I saw a number of men , probably hired drivers , holding signs with people 's names written on them , and thought it would be funny to make a sign saying " Obama " on it and stand by the waiting drivers . But I knew the airport security took a dim view of humor , so I just sat watching for Buck . I told him everything I knew from Ron and Trapper and that we needed to go to the Side Door Lounge first and start from there . He said that worked for him and that he was ready to go . We drove up I - 94 freeway from the airport and got off at Van Dyke Avenue then over to Seven Mile Road . I turned west and drove about two blocks to the club . It was just like I remembered from back in the seventies when I used to travel from club to club and this place was one of my stops . I parked on the side road and we walked to the door . The tiny vestibule was still there and we went through the inner door . The club was dark of course , and the spotlights were flashing around the room . On stage in the middle side of the room , a young girl was gyrating to a Billy Ocean song , " Get outta my Dreams . " She looked young enough to be my granddaughter , that made me real sad . Ron was behind the bar and gave me a big smile and waved . Buck and I went to the bar , I introduced Buck and they shook hands . Buck asked if Ron rode with a cycle club and Ron said he liked being independent . Buck agreed . Ron asked if we wanted a drink , I said too early for me and Buck said he 'd have a diet Sprite . I said I 'd take a Pepsi if they had it , he did . I told Ron that we 'd talk in a bit , we just wanted to watch the show first . He smiled and said to enjoy ourselves . We watched three dancers do their stuff and then I told Buck that we needed to start doing our job . I called to Ron and he told his other bartender to take over . He took us to his office in the back and we sat at his desk . " Heard anything ? " I asked . " No , not in a few years . I needed to see what the competition was doing and it 's the same crap everywhere , stages and dancers . It 's just the quality of the place and dancers that makes the difference . I run a clean establishment , good dancers and friendly environment , a place you could take your woman to . " " Yeah , I got one out of my photo book . " He opened a drawer in his desk and took out a photo of him and Marina at some party . I thanked him and put the photo in my shirt pocket . " I knew one dancer , name of Brandy Wine , not her real name of course , but she may still be working there . " " Okay , I 'll call if I need anymore info . " I nodded at Buck and we stood , everyone shaking hands and went out of the office . Buck stopped to smile at the girl on the stage then followed me out . In my car I said , " Wow , I remember when I used to hang in these places , the girls were all in my age group , now I feel like I 'm a pedophile watching these young things . " Buck laughed out loud and said as long as they were over 21 he didn 't care . I 'm sure he didn 't . " I think we should go in separately , you go first and sit at a table by the bar , make sure there is a stool by your table and I 'll come in and sit at that stool , watch my back . " I said . I let Buck go first and then I waited about five minutes and went in . I went into the rather large room that had two stages , one at each end of the room . I went to the long bar by the back and sat on a stool at the bar next to Buck 's table . He had his diet Sprite already and was enjoying the dancer on the well lit stage , but I could see he was watching me as well . The bartender came up and asked me what I wanted to drink . I don 't like drinking so early and not while I 'm driving , but one draft wouldn 't hurt . He went off to get my beer and then came back with it . I dropped a five and he went to get my change . When he came back I asked if Brandy Wine still worked here , he gave me a strange look and said there was no girl by that name working . I thanked him and he went off . About five minutes later two men in white shirts and narrow black ties came over . They were fairly ordinary looking , medium build , clean cut and kind of dumb looking , they reminded me of Jehovah 's Witnesses on a Saturday morning . The one in front asked me why I wanted to know about Brandy Wine . " Don 't be a smart ass or you can leave right now . " He started to reach for my arm just as Buck grabbed his and held it tightly in place . The man 's arm was just suspended there as he looked up to Buck who stood a whole head taller than he . Buck was ready to grab the other man by his throat , but the man just backed away and watched from a short distance . " Okay , I understand that you don 't want to talk about Brandy . I 'm just making small talk , but you seem to be a rather rude person . " I stood and told Buck to let him loose , the man was rubbing his arm and backed away . I stepped towards him and asked , " Since you don 't want to talk about Brandy , who can I talk to about her , or a girl named Marina Koska . Ring a bell ? " His eyes started darting past me and I turned with my hand in my jacket on my Glock , to find a woman coming towards me and Buck . She was attractive , svelte , wearing a tight black cocktail dress and done up in heavy make - up , a bit too much . I took my hand out of my jacket , but Buck kept his hand in his jacket , just in case . " May I help you sir ? What seems to be the problem ? " Her voice was a bit gravely sounding like she had way too many cigarettes in her life . I smiled and said , " I have no problem , but your boys do . I just asked if Brandy Wine still worked here , a friend asked me to look her up . That 's no crime is it ? " " No , should it ? " " Well , it seems that three of your boys have been coming into the Side Door Lounge making subtle threats about his girls moving over to your club . Then about two days ago Marina disappeared , that something you 'd know about ? " " I 'm not even sure who these three men would be , I don 't authorize my employees to solicit other dancers to come here . We have enough of our own girls to work with . " She smiled demurely . I sat back on the stool as the two boys went off to a table by the back and sat watching us . Buck was now sitting at the bar with me . " Thanks for the back - up . I was worried you might hurt them . " We watched the girls dance and I estimated that there were about ten of them around the room . They were busy giving lap dances and talking up the customers . They avoided us , probably by orders . I could see they were soliciting , I wasn 't born in a manger . Buck asked if he could take a couple home , I said on his own time . " I was just thinking that , if a bunch of my cycle buddies came in here , the help would probably wet their pants . Doesn 't make sense . " He replied . " You look at the Side Door , Ron has some real knuckle busters working the door , what do they have here , High School Musical . " " Yeah , strange . " One dancer was walking by and I stopped her . She looked frightened and I asked if she knew Marina Koska , she said no and went off in a hurry after looking back at the boys still at their table , trying to look menacing . " I don 't think we 're going to get any more help in here , maybe we came on a little too strong . Let 's wait outside for shift change and have a talk with the girls . " We drank up and as we went out , I waved to Heckle and Jeckle as they just sat stoney faced . We sat in my car for about an hour , then around 4 P . M . , the girls started to come pouring out , since their replacements had already went in . I didn 't figure that this club would worry about the safety of it 's girls outside , so we hopefully could talk without interruption . As they came out , Buck and I got out of my Crown Vic and I asked out loud if anyone was brave enough to talk to us ? Three of the girls stopped as the rest just went off and then they came over . " I need some information , any of you fine ladies want to talk ? " I asked as I flashed a twenty dollar bill , one girl came up a bit too close and I asked her nicely to step back , she did reluctantly . I said she could do that to Buck , she did and took the twenty . He smiled and I asked in her ear if she knew a Marina Koska ? She looked over to me , as she rubbed up to Buck and stroked his shoulders , he was enjoying the ride , then she said she 'd talk if we met her away from this place . I asked where , she said at a Ram 's Horn Restaurant on Van Dyke above Eight Mile . I said we could do that and she went off with the two other girls . Buck was resting against my car and I had to smack him , then he came to . We got into the car and drove over to the restaurant . The girls were already in a large booth and had menus . I was feeling this was going to be expensive . They all slid around as Buck and I came up , I let Buck slide in next to the girls and I sat next to him . One girl on the other side of the booth pouted and asked why I didn 't want to sit next to her . I said I was married to a woman who carries a large gun , I feared for my life . They all were quiet , then Tiffy spoke again , " Anything we say is going to be private , right ? " I agreed . " I 've worked at Heaven 's Gate for going on three years . It was a good club , but since these new owners took over , things have slowly changed . " " There have been more girls working now , cutting into my tips . The new manager , Elaina , has been pushing us to be more friendly to the customers , if you know what I mean . I don 't like it . " The other girls were agreeing with her . " I work hard dancing and I earn my tips but I draw a line at hooking . I got a daughter to raise and I couldn 't look at her honestly if I was putting out sexually . Dancing and teasing for tips is one thing , hooking is another . " Rose said she knew Marina from when she worked at the Side Door six months ago . I asked , " why did you leave the Side Door ? " She said for more money , " Heaven 's Gate is a bigger club and had more customers , but since the new owners are bringing in more girls , I haven 't made the same cash . " I asked if she knew where Marina may be now , she said she didn 't . I showed the picture Ron gave me of Marina to the other two girls and they said they didn 't recognize her . " How many new people working the club now , I mean managers , bouncers , bartenders , who came in after the change of ownership ? " Tiffy offered , " There 's only Elaina managing , then they brought in eight pasty boys , I call them that , as bouncers . . . " She laughed , " They couldn 't bounce a baby on their knee if they tried . The bartenders are the same as before , but they did bring in two new ones . That 's about it . Occasionally three rather large bruisers come in and they go off to Elaina 's office , we don 't know what that 's about , but the men aren 't one 's I 'd mess with . " She looked up to Buck , " They were kinda like you . " She smiled . Tiffy said , " I 've heard they 're some kind of company that has dealings with foreign places besides New York , I once heard Elaina speaking on the phone some kind of language I didn 't know . They haven 't been with us long enough to really get a feel for them . She has mentioned to us frequently about going to New York to work at their clubs there , but I said I had family here and wasn 't interested in moving . " Our food arrived and we ate while talking about the business of stripping . I was relating my experiences in the past of my travels around the club circuit and the girls I had met along the way . We finished and I paid , of course . The girls all went off while Buck and I stood by my car . " I don 't know , but the people working this place are all a bit odd for a strip club . Their bouncers are ridiculously powerless if real trouble broke out . Unless they 're secretly Ninjas , I would imagine them running the other way from trouble . Elaina seems too much a refined woman for this type of work , compared to Ron , he fits in a strip club . Although she reminds me of a madam , the fancy prostitute kind . " " Trapper mentioned that there may be some slavery trafficking involved , Tiffy said that she thought there were foreign dealings , that 's generally where women are sold out for slavery . I 'm hoping Marina isn 't in on that , if so she 's probably out of the country by now . " I said sadly . It was now just about 5 : 30 P . M . and I hadn 't seen Penny 's show today , so I had no idea of what to expect when I got home . That had me a bit worried , but I would suck it up and take it like a man . I walked around the car to the driver 's door and said , " Let 's take one more trip to the Side Door and let Ron know what we found . I hope he takes it well . " " Are you all right on this , you don 't seem to be upset ? " I asked . Buck was sitting next to me , he was being quiet as I talked . " I 'm very upset , but I know it doesn 't do much good to scream and yell . Maybe a little outburst once in a while , but I have very high blood pressure and I 've been warned that it 's not good for me to get too excited . So I will take my frustrations out on a punching bag later on . " He spoke quietly and calmly . " Oh , hell , no . We 've just begun , I intend to find Marina or put away the people who may have caused harm to her . I mean that . " " We will , count on it . " Buck spoke this time . He thanked us and Buck and I left . I dropped Buck off to his house and I drove home and as I rode quietly along Jefferson Avenue , I thought about the day . It had been long and not really profitable in the sense of information , but we had a start . I pulled into the drive and parked . As I went into the house I could smell incense and the lights were down low . I came in and announced my arrival just as music blared out from somewhere in the kitchen . It was Middle Eastern music and then Penny came out from the kitchen in a belly dancing outfit , complete with a veil over her face . She danced around me and bumped hips numerous times as she tried to do the dance correctly , but she needed practice . I wasn 't going to tell her that , she was doing well enough for the effort . The music was short and ended as she finished facing me . I raised the veil across her face and kissed her hard on the lips . She bumped bellies with me and asked if the Sheik would like to go into the tent for a little roll in the sand . " I presume you had a belly dancer on your show today ? " I asked . She nodded enthusiastically and said " Madam Katrinka , fortune teller and belly dance teacher , she gave a couple readings and then she taught my audience and myself a few good belly dancing moves . The kind that I think would work well in bed also . " " No and soon . " I smiled back . " Buck and I did a little scouting around the rival club and it 's a bit strange there . " " Strange ? " I was pouring over the internet hunting down Rex Erotica , and finding more than I thought I would . The first place I visited was their " official " website and it was basically a glossy , high energy showboat of their holdings around the world . They had what they referred to as exotic dance clubs where the women excite your every dreams . A listing of clubs said they had about ten clubs in New York , six around Hong Kong , three in California and one so far in Detroit , but they say there will be more here . I wondered if the city of Detroit knew about this , or the other club owners . I found a forum that some guy started a thread about their clubs in New York . He was complaining that he was robbed by one of the girls and the manager of the club treated him rudely when he complained to them . He said the girl gave him a lap dance and took his money off the table while he was distracted . There was one other posting on the forum from a man who claim a dancer solicited him and he paid heavily for a blow job , and when he objected to the price , some big goon came up and threatened him . I thought that the boys at the Heaven 's Gate would probably do the blow job there instead of the girls . I did find one small post on another website that was warning women to stay away from Rex Erotica clubs , she said they were into slave trafficking . The person who submitted the post was a woman who said she escaped from one of their slave clubs and barely survived the ordeal . The police investigated the allegations , but came up with nothing . The girl accused the Vice officers who checked her allegations of being in on it . That wasn 't good . The girl had an email address and I copied it down , for future reference . I checked a couple of other websites that mentioned the clubs , mostly good , some bad . The bad posts were mostly about the treatment they received while at the clubs , from both the girls and the bouncers . I found that forums generally had a lot of people who liked to bitch just because they want to be heard , even if they were wrong . I finally found one website that was what I would call a corporate website , it detailed the objective of the company , corporate headquarter locations and their officers . I thought this was a bold thing to do if you are a crime organization . I did a page copy so I could print it out later , and didn 't find anything more on Rex Erotica . " Lacey579 , I 'm a private investigator in the Detroit , Michigan area and saw your posting on the forum about Rex Erotica . I have a case involving a missing woman that may have something to do with a local club here owned by Rex Erotica . I 'd like to talk to you about your experience and maybe it will help both me and you to stop these people . My email address is privateeye1 @ mail . com , or my phone number is 586 - 555 - 3680 , please contact me , Jim . " I looked at my can of beer on the computer desk , it was still the beer I 've drank forever , Milwaukee 's Special Reserve light , which most of my friends called piss beer , but I grew fond of it and it was the cheapest beer I could buy for a 30 pack back when I was poor . Sure , I had the money now to buy the better stuff , but why , when this stuff was just as good . And it didn 't give me a headache in the morning . I went back over to Penny who was into her sixth tissue from my count on the table . She sniffled and looked to me with red eyes and said the woman was going to make it . I looked to the TV and smiled . " Do I care , you are on duty 24 / 7 now that you are a public servant . All law enforcement is expected to be on duty . Okay , talk to me about Rex Erotica . " I was a bit surprised by his curt question . I guess he was concerned about my case . I told him what Buck and I went through today between Ron and Heaven 's Gate . He listened quietly and then he asked if I knew what Marina looked like . I said that Ron had given me a photo when we were in his office earlier and I described her . " Good , the girl wasn 't her . I was called earlier by Earl Daws and he said they found the body of a girl that turned out to work as a stripper at the Gate . He asked about my inquiry of the Gate since he was trying to put his case together , he asked why I wanted to know and I told him . I didn 't say anything about your girl 's residency , just that she was missing and you were looking for her . Jim , the Detroit police are looking to close down the Heaven 's Gate operation and I would recommend being careful hanging around the place . " " Thanks for the heads up . Do you think I could talk to your friend Daws , would he be cooperative ? " I asked . " Earl is a crazy guy , he loves a mystery and I think you two would get along nicely . But I didn 't say that . " He laughed and hung up . I sat there for a minute and thought about what to do now . I was tired and I was wearing down , old age creeping in . I looked to Penny and asked if she was ready for bed . We cuddled in bed and I finally slept , dreaming about kidnapping and murder . I woke about every hour during the night , and then woke around 6 A . M . but couldn 't get back to sleep . I laid there thinking about the case and where I was going to go with it . I thought I was smart when it came to being a P . I . , but I was feeling a little mortal now trying to work out a plan to find one woman who may be either dead , or in a slave ring in some foreign country . I got up around 7 : 30 and started to get ready for my day . Penny was up shortly after , she was always bubbly in the morning , I hated that . I called Buck and told him to be ready to start the day , I would talk about new info when I met him at my office ; he said he 'd be there . Penny went off with Willy to work and I finished my toast , then gathered my toys and went out the door to my office . Buck was , of course , in his usual position on the lobby chair and he looked at me coming down the hallway , smiling . I got up to him and just kicked his feet because it was the thing to do . He grinned at me and got up to follow me into the office . He went to the client 's chair and I went to the answering machine , it was blinking . I pushed the button and there was one message , it was Ron , calling to ask me to call him . I went to my desk and picked up the phone and called him . " Ron , calm down , it wasn 't her . I had a call from my cop friend and he told me it wasn 't her . We still have options to check so please take a breath and relax . I 'll keep you informed with what we find and ignore the TV news , stop watching it . " He agreed and hung up . I looked to Buck and told him the new information I had from after we split yesterday . I told him about the stuff I got off the web and what Trapper told me . My cell phone rang and I looked at the number that came up on the caller ID , it was from a New York area code . I answered and the voice on the other end sounded very young . " Ah , yes , I did . I 'm glad you responded . I need to talk to you about your ordeal about the slavery . But let me explain why I 'm looking into Rex Erotica . I was hired here in Michigan to find a missing girl who may have been taken by a Rex Erotica club in Detroit , and I 'm at a loss for information about the company or what they are up to . If you can tell me anything , it may help . " She was quiet for a bit then said , " I worked at one of their clubs in New York and after a while they kept badgering me to work for them in Hong Kong . I said I didn 't want to go out of the country , and they stopped asking me . I figured it was over , but one day I was grabbed in the dressing room and taken to a place somewhere in the city . I was held with about six other girls and then one morning about two days later , we were being taken out to a waiting van . The guy who was taking me got distracted by a loud noise , probably from a car back fire , and turned to see where it came from . I saw my opportunity and ran around the corner of the building and luckily I ran out into the street just as a cop car was cruising by . They stopped when they saw a woman with hands tied and questioned me . I told them what happened but when they went to the alley to check , the van was gone . They accused me of being a hooker who 's trick got out of hand . I was eventually taken to the strip club but the manager there told the cops I never worked there . The other girls were threatened not to say I worked there . The whole thing just went sour and I just got away from it all and just tried to forget about it . I was pissed , but what could I do . " She finished . " I did hear something about planes and Hong Kong . I figured they were going to force me to work in their Hong Kong club whether I wanted to or not . The other girls with me had talked while we were being held , about slavery for men from the Middle East , I didn 't believe it but they could have been right . I 'll never know , and I moved out of New York City to get away from them . I 'm not saying where I am now , I don 't really even know you to say . " " I understand , I wouldn 't trust me either , if I didn 't know me . " She gave a quick laugh and I continued . " I 'm going to keep at this till I find out what happened to my missing girl , if along the way I need you to talk to the police here , would you be agreeable to that ? " " Sure , what the hell , if it help , I 'll do it . You have my email address and probably my phone number off your caller ID . So let me know , I 'd like to see the bastards fry . " I took out the phone book and got the number for the Detroit Police and called them asking for Homicide Detective Earl Daws . They gave me his local number and I called it . After about four rings a man answered saying it was him . " Detective Daws , I 'm a friend of Will Trapper . " He said he was sorry to hear that , I laughed , " I 'm a private investigator and I have a case to find a missing girl , she worked at the Side Door lounge and the connection to her disappearance may be with the Heaven 's Gate Lounge . " He was quiet for a bit then he said that Will already warned him about me , that I would probably pester the hell out of him , that was nice of Trapper , then he asked if I had anything that he may need to know . I told him briefly all that I had come by in the past couple days , everything except the fact that Marina was an illegal alien . He asked if I could come in to have a heart to heart about the case , I said I would and when I 'd be there and we hung up . We drove down Van Dyke Avenue and as we passed into Detroit , at Eight Mile Road , I saw the Duchess Lounge on the right . Memories came flooding back to my days in the 70 's going in to watch the girls dance and one in particular , Pixie . I still remember the veil dance she did to ' Lady ' by Styx , which is now an inside joke between Penny and I . Then I thought maybe Buck and I could stop in later and see if the place has changed at all . I was sure Pixie wouldn 't be working there now , she 'd be in her late fifties or maybe even sixties now , probably not a pretty sight . I 'd prefer to remember her as she was . We arrived at the Six Mile area police precinct and I smiled and told Buck not to cause any trouble in the parking lot . I went in and asked the desk officer for Daws . He got on the phone and shortly after a tall , older man in a well tailored suit came out and introduced himself as Daws . We went back to his office and shook hands after he said to call him Earl , and I said I was Jim . We sat . " Will tells me you 're a cracker jack P . I . and have taken down some really bad - ass killers . I remember the case of the two wackos who were murdering the cheerleaders . You did good on that . " He said enthusiastically . " Will told me about the Dominatrix and Mistress killers , then out in Vegas , how you guys brought down the Bridezilla killer . You 're a one - man crime solving machine . " " I had help on all those , don 't let my charm and my eye - for - crime fool you . There was a lot of good back - up work by the police and my associates to take down those killers , Will included . Now that we are done patting me on the back , let 's talk Rex Erotica . " " Marina Koska , escaped from the Russian mob and prostitution , by way of a packing case over the ocean to hopefully freedom . Ron Santos owns the Side Door and helped her get work and get ready for the citizen swear - in . A couple weeks ago three mild mannered gentlemen came in Ron 's club and started to try and talk his girls into shifting employment over to Heaven 's Gate . There was some opposition from the girls and then two days ago Marina turned up missing . Could be a subtle warning or they thought she was worthy of sending her back overseas into slavery . My partner and I talked to three young ladies about the club and they told us the same story , prostitution and slavery , both here and in Hong Kong . " I took a breath and Earl asked if I wanted something to drink , I said that would be nice . He went to a cube fridge in his office and opened it , asking if I liked Pepsi . I said is there any other soft drink . He handed me a can and I popped the top . " I know Ron , I had occasion to talk to him over a murder that occurred near his club last year . He is big . I also presume he can be mean . But he was cooperative and concerned about his girls in light of murder near by . " " I knew he was a smart man . I don 't want to have to mop up dead bodies either . Okay , I 'm cool with your missing girl , I really hope you find her , I 'll help the best I can . Now my story , last night we got a call about a dead girl in the alley of a row of stores along Ryan Road below Seven Mile . The girl was in the system , dancers have to be registered to work , so we had her picture and prints . She worked at the Heaven 's Gate . I sent a couple of plain clothes there with her crime scene picture and they reported that the slinky female manager said she had quit a few days before , wasn 't happy with the new owners and their policies . She knew nothing more about the girl after she quit the club . One of the officers called the manager the ice queen . You met her , what 's your opinion ? " " Not sure , I still don 't know why she was taken or possibly murdered for that matter . There 's been no ransom demands or warnings to Ron 's girls , she just vanished . I 'm kind of hoping she just took off to avoid the hassles coming from the other club , possibly exposing her as an undocumented alien . Then again I think she would have contacted Ron for all he 's done for her . I 'm baffled right now , not enough to go on . " " Welcome to my world . My vic was killed execution style , bullet to the back of the head from above , like she was on her knees when shot . Hands tied behind her and dumped where she was killed . No evidence from the kill , CSI found nothing in the alley but a mess of people going through it . We got nothing right now , just a dead dancer . " He went quiet for a moment , I had nothing to say either . " Well , as Trapper said , we got our work cut out for us . " I asked if he needed me further and he said he didn 't but to keep in touch . He gave me a couple of his cards and I gave him mine and he said thanks . I left and back to Buck who was napping with his seat all the way back . I felt like kicking his feet but I couldn 't reach them so just shook the car , until he jumped up . He grinned and hit the door lock and I got in . " Glad to see you were on duty , nothing stolen from the lot while you 're here , eh ? " I laughed and started the car and headed out to the Side Door . I told Buck the story on the way and then we arrived and went in . " I hope you understand that we will do what we can to find her , but it may take time . This is not the movies where everything is solved in a couple hours . " I said to get him to understand that concept . My cell phone rang and it was Daws again . I answered and he asked if I could come identify the body of a woman just found in a dumpster behind an unoccupied office building . Daws said he thinks it could be my missing girl . I asked if I could bring Ron , he said it would help to identify her . God , I hated to tell Ron . I told Ron what Daws had said and down played that it could be Marina , but Daws wanted positive ID that it was or wasn 't . The three of us went to my car and drove over to the unoccupied building that Daws said they were at . We parked and walked up to the crime scene yellow tape and were stopped by a uniform . Daws saw us and yelled to let us through . He said to watch where we were walking around the little markers of evidence being photographed . I saw a couple of large caliber shells by the markers and the body was covered . The alley way was fairly secluded and it was just off the freeway so it was noisy , any gun fire would hardly be heard . Ron stood looking at the body covered by the white sheet , then looked to Daws and said , " Yeah , she had a tiny butterfly tat on her left buttocks . She wanted me to get one , I said I 'd be damned if I had a butterfly anywhere on my body . If it 's there , then it 's her . " He choked a bit then turned away as the CSI officer went to the sheet and lifted it , examining the girl . He put the sheet down and came to Daws and said there are no tattoos anywhere on her posterior . Ron heard that and gave out a choking breath of air and I saw the man weep , for joy I presume . " Can 't tell right now , but she has a good body , well - toned like a dancer , could be . I 'm getting to really dislike Heaven 's Gate . Feel like taking a ride with me ? " I said I would and told him I just had to get Buck to take Ron back in my car . I went and told Buck to drive Ron back and hang out at Side Door till I got there . He loved that idea and they went off after I gave him the keys . We were stopped at the door by Heckle and Jeckle , still in their Sunday best outfits . Daws stared down Heckle as the little wimp stood in the way . Daws pulled his badge and said to move or get moved . Heckle looked towards the bar . Elaina was sitting on a stool by the corner with two rather large men . She saw us and stood to come over . " Gentlemen , can I help you ? " Daws pushed his arm into Heckle and shoved him aside and came to the Ice Queen . " I 'm Detective Lieutenant Earl Daws and I want you to look at my face and remember it . If I find out that two girls from your club where murdered , I may have all kinds of inspectors crawling around your establishment looking for any kinds of violations that can get you closed down until I solve my case . You have any other girls that recently quit , we got another body today , haven 't ID 'd her yet but we will . And I 'll just bet she worked for you . " He stood glaring into her face , she didn 't twitch a muscle . " Threaten all you want Detective , I have nothing to hide . If you are not here to drink , then obey the sign on the door that says we have the right to refuse entrance to anyone . Police or no . So unless you have a warrant , you can leave . " She stood her ground . Daws just wanted to shake her up a bit , he told me that in the car coming over . He turned and looked at Heckle and Jeckle and laughed . Then he made a gun out of his hand and fingers and went bang to them . He turned to me and we left . " Yeah , that went well . " He said . " I had to get it out of my system and see what reaction I could get out of the bitch . " " Will said you could be a wise - ass . " He smiled . " I got the reaction I wanted from her . Now that I have her attention , when I come in the next time , she 'll be more receptive . " We arrived at the Side Door and went in . Buck was camped out at a table surrounded by nubile semi - naked women , and looking like a king . He saw me and grinned . Ron came over and shook Earl 's hand and thanked him for his discretion about the body today and asked if he wanted a drink . Earl said he was on duty , but if Ron could put a draft beer in a plastic cup , it would work for him . Ron asked me and I said I 'd take a draft too . He went off and then brought our drinks to the table we took over from Buck . The women had all went back to work and we sat taking in the music and the naked ladies . " Don 't ever say I was nailing her in front of her . She 'll rip you a new ass if she heard that . " I laughed . " Yep , we got married out in Vegas almost three months ago , after living together for about a year . I had to make an honest woman out of her . " I smiled . " If you 're going to do something illegal like breaking and entering , I don 't want to know . But the club closes at 2 A . M . and is empty by 3 : 30 . There is an alarm system that has a phone connection to the security service , but if the phone line , which is attached to the back of the building , was disabled , they wouldn 't know . I didn 't say any of this , I don 't even know you . " he smirked . " How do you know about the alarms ? " I asked . I looked at Buck and he smiled . I said we should call it a day and go get some sleep , we were going to have a late night . I winked at Earl and than said to Ron we were still with him . Buck and I got up and I looked at Earl , " You hanging around here ? " I swung by my office and dropped him to his car and headed home . Penny wasn 't visible when I went in , I feared for my life that she would come popping out and attack me . I yelled to her , but no answer and it was too quiet . Willy was also missing , now I was worrying a bit . I went out to the porch and it was empty , she wasn 't on the pole . I went to our bedroom and saw a lump under the covers and Willy was zoned out on his chair . I went to the bed and pulled the covers back a bit and saw my baby sleeping peacefully . I sat and stroked her hair , then she came to and smiled at me . " I was tired , and I 'm not feeling so hot . I hope I 'm not coming down with something . I figured bed rest would be good for me . " I felt her forehead and she was a bit warm . I told her to just rest and I 'd make up some chicken soup for her . She thanked me and I went to the kitchen . I rummaged around in the cupboards looking through the cans of soup for chicken and finally found one . I ran the can through the opener on the wall and dumped it in a pan that was on the stove . I cooked it and poured it in a bowl and pulled out the small snack tray for the bed and took it along with a glass of milk to her . She was propped up on the bed and I put the tray over her . She wasn 't looking too good , eyes a bit droopy . I ruffled Willy who was now watching us from his chair and he jumped up on the bed using the pet stairs we bought so the tiny dog could join us . " I hate to see you this way , but you should just rest tonight . Which is good because Buck and I are going to be doing some late night skulking . " I said . " I hope not , there have been two murdered dancers now and I still have no leads to my missing girl . I have the unofficial blessings of the Detroit police to take a midnight rummage through Heaven 's Gate . " I got up and went to my side of the large closet and pulled out some dark clothes . " I think whatever gods are watching over me , they would approve . I just wish I could get some divine intervention to help me find Marina . I 'm hoping that we may find some information to lead us to an answer . " " What do you mean can 't afford it , you make a good salary on your show , especially since it went national . Most people could live for a year on what you make in a month . " " I 'm putting every dollar away for my retirement , I plan for the future . You just give your wealth away , you 're too soft - hearted and that 's why you 'll never be rich . " Big slurp . I took her tray when she finished and tucked her in and said to just sleep , I didn 't kiss her lips , not sure if she was coming down with something , so nipped her forehead , it was still warm . I turned out the room lights and went out to the kitchen again to make something to eat for myself . Willy had joined me , probably hadn 't eaten either , I put food into his bowl and he attacked it without prompting . " The coroner finished with the vic from today , he managed to get a serial number off her breast implants and got the info from some medical database . We got a name and checked the stripper database , the girl wasn 't an employee of the Heavens ' Gate , but she was an employee of the Red Door Lounge down off of Connor Avenue . I think that 's interesting . I sent a couple of my men to the bar and they said the girl was missing from two days ago . Sound familiar ? " " Someone is hitting the clubs around the city , one girl from each maybe . Are they sampling the girl pool or what ? And Marina hasn 't turned up dead , hopefully not . " I said . " Elaina said that she didn 't send out anyone to talk girls into moving to her club . The first girl murdered was one of her own , although Elaina said she had quit . Could this be someone else , maybe a serial killer ? " Around 2 A . M . I called Buck and he said he was in my driveway . I looked out the front window and saw his Vibe parked off the side of the lawn . I was already dressed in my sneaky clothes , so went to tell Penny I was leaving . She mumbled something that sounded like leave me alone and I left . We drove out and got to Mound Road , down to Heaven 's Gate and parked on a side street . We walked slowly to the club , it was dark and there were no cars in the lot . We walked around the back and I saw the wires going to the building , both electric and phone . We put on gloves so we didn 't leave prints and Buck pulled over a small dumpster just below the phone connection . I jumped up and pulled out a pair of wire cutters and snipped the line . I looked down at Buck and he opened the phone junction box and hooked up a small service phone and listened , nodding his head acknowledging the disconnect . I jumped down and we went to a small window and I picked up a bucket sitting by the trash and smashed the window . I reached in and unlatched the thing and then we climbed in . Buck fell as he came in the window and crashed down on a table laid out with drinking glasses , he made enough noise to wake the dead . I came through and we walked through the building with just the light from our flashlights . I found the office , because the sign on the door said office , I get paid the big bucks for my detective skills . It wasn 't lock so we went in and there were no windows so I flicked on the lights . It was a nice office , clean , well laid out . A desk , four chairs , file cabinets and a small safe sitting in the corner of the room . Buck and I went through the desk and file cabinets , finding really nothing much . I stood looking at the safe , I had no skills in safe cracking , neither did Buck . I knelt down to the safe and played with the dial just as a voice from behind us startled Buck and me . I fell back sitting on the floor , Buck stood up . " You going to stare at it or open it ? " said Earl , who was standing in the doorway . " Don 't shoot , it 's just me . " He said holding his hands up . " I learned skills with the government , kind of a black ops thing . Don 't ask , I 'd have to kill you . I have abilities that would make ninjas blush . " We gather all the papers , guns and cash and Earl put them in a black cloth bag he pulled from his pocket . The man was definitely prepared . We looked around the room once more , checking behind pictures on the wall , when I saw something that made me wonder . I called Earl and pointed to a tiny black spot in the corner of the wall by the ceiling . I got up on a chair and looked closer . " Yep , it looks like a lens , maybe hooked to a video . " I reached up and pulled on it , the thing slid out from the hole in the wood and it was attached to wires . " Definitely a lens . We need to see where this goes . " The three of us went out and to the room next to the office and to the wall by where we saw the lens . The place looked like a storage room and I went to the shelves on the wall , I pulled some boxes off and found it . A video recorder that was running . " Must be triggered by movement in the office . " I hit the stop button and then ejected the tape and put it in my pocket . " We can look at this later , may have more evidence . " I found about three other tapes and handed them to Earl , he put them in his black bag . We slipped back out the window and I checked to make sure there was no evidence from our egress . I said we 'd meet back at my office , it would be safer than a police squad room , I gave Earl the address and we departed . About thirty minutes later we were in my office and Earl dumped out the contents of his bag on my desk . Buck sat back in the client chair and watched Earl and I go through the papers after I handed him rubber gloves to cover our prints in case . Earl said he 'd take care of the guns , after having them checked against ballistics . We piled the cash on another table and poured over the papers . I found mostly legal documents in the papers , things like the liquor license paperwork and titles to the building , made out to Rex Erotica Ltd . Earl came up with a journal type book and was looking through it . He showed it to me , there were women 's names and descriptions of transfers to various clubs in New York . There were about three pages of names so far , I didn 't see Marina 's name . We didn 't find anything incriminating so I took the VHS tape from my coat pocket and went to the VCR next to my new TV . I turned it on and went to sit at my desk . I took the remote and hit rewind , back to where I figured our entrance was at . I hit play and we got a chuckle out of watching us trying to be good burglars . Earl said that we 'd have to erase this part to be sure we didn 't end up in jail . I rewound the tape back to the beginning of the tape and then we watched for the next hour before we shut it off . " Unfortunately , there wasn 't any mention of the parent company , none to take this to the Federal level to take down Rex Erotica . But we have enough to close down Heaven 's Gate and their operation . We can contact New York police , and they can take it from there . " Earl spoke . " Well , we pack up the tapes , along with the journal of names and guns , and put it in a bag with a note saying the burglars watched the tapes and felt it was their civic duty to turn it in . Remorseful crooks . I 'll take in the bag and say I found it on the front steps of HQ . " He smiled . Buck spoke finally , " Can 't we copy our part so we have a memory of our first B and E ? " He grinned . I just said I 'd rather not have that memory or leaving evidence lying around . " You could call it that , the government calls it intelligence gathering and enforcement , I spent time in both CIA and NSA . I did that for about twelve years , I was just out of high school when I started , before long I had enough of the underhanded way we did things . I just wanted to take down real criminals , so I joined the police . They wanted me to get into their special investigative branch , I said I just wanted to run the streets for a change . " He said this rather sadly . " I 've worked just about every aspect of being a cop ; Vice , burglary , bunko , robbery and finally homicide . I 'm happy now taking down murderers . " We worked on our plot for about another hour ; we put the cash in another bag and Earl said he 'd drop it off at the mission and then we closed it up for the night . It was now just after 6 A . M . and I was wearing down . Earl took the evidence package and the cash and went off . Buck asked if I needed him this morning , I said I was going home to take a nap and would call him . Buck and I drove out to my place where he left his car and then he drove off . I went in and found Penny still sprawled out asleep on the bed , looking miserable . It was Saturday morning so Penny didn 't have to work , thankfully . Willy was resting on his Bate 's Motel chair , but watching me as I went out to the kitchen and then he popped up to eat the food I put down for him . I went to the couch and set my Palm alarm then laid down to nap . " Well , everyone at the station is ecstatic about the package our crooks dropped off this morning . The DA has been in and was fussing about where the bag came from , I did my best bold - faced lie about it and they are going to accept it , with trepidation , but it can go to evidence . They have sworn out arrest warrants for Elaina and the rest of her crew and we will be making a raid on the place when they open at noon . Want to be in on the fun ? " " Is Pamela Anderson a babe ? Of course . Want me to come down to your office or meet you at the Gate ? " " You could just step out your front door and I 'll drive you . " He laughed . I went to the window and saw his Crown Vic with him waving to me . " Why do people keep doing that to me . Come on in and meet my celebrity wife . " I went and opened the door , just as Penny made a face at me . I knew from experience that it would take her fifteen minutes to look radiant . Earl came up as I held the screen door for him and he came in . I motioned for him to sit on a chair and I sat across from him on the couch . " Not that we 've heard of , she may have already arrived at the club , but then she may not even know it yet . Either way we are going to be there to mess up her day . I 'm sure there will be a lot of lawyers running around the precinct today , the big New York kind . All screaming that their clients were set up and the evidence is not admissible due to it 's theft from the club . They can 't prove it wasn 't taken in the process of a burglary , which actually it was , but we can at least shut them down for a while until all the lawyers agree on what to do . " |
We did make one more stop on the way , though . Mr . Lee wanted me to see Dead Horse Point state park ! We were sooooooo very high . Nice name , huh ? It sounded like a biker bar to me , but it was a lovely park near Canyon Lands . I 've heard two versions of the story about how it got its name . Apparently , it was common for cowboys to round up wild mustangs by chasing them into box canyons , where they would then build a fence across the opening to keep them inside , kind of like a natural corral . Instead of a box canyon in this case , though , it was a high area with a narrow opening and sheer cliff walls that went straight down into a canyon . One story says that a group of horses were accidentally left fenced into the area where they died of thirst . The other story was that the horses were culls , and the cowboys left them there on purpose . In any case , a lot of horses died there , so the name is apt . The view was amazing , and you could see part of the Colorado river in the canyon below . I probably shouldn 't have been worried about Steve pushing me off of a cliff , because he is scared of heights and would freak out if I leaned over the wall even a little bit ! : ) After we left , we started our long drive . The view on the drive was a lot like a Wyle Coyote cartoon , bit rocks , cacti , and mountains . We passed from big red rocks , to big yellow rocks , to big gray rocks , to small tree covered mountains , to snow covered mountains , back to red rocks again . Utah is a gorgeous state ! We got into St . George , Utah , where we were going to stay for the night , and we grabbed an In & Out burger ! I 'd heard of them , but they don 't have locations in Alabama to my knowledge . It was really good ! It was also really crowded . I guess we know where all the cool kids got for dinner in St . George ! Today was a busy day ! We headed off down the road a way to Mesa Verde , or as I 've been calling it ( to mess with Mr . Lee ) Salsa Verde . It was an amazing drive onto these big , green mountains , and we could see some snow capped mountains in the distance ! Mesa Verde is a national park where you can go and see the abandoned cliff dwellings of the Anasazi , or as the PC Police are calling them , Ancestral Puebloans . Pffft . OK , see , the Navajo basically named this tribe because the name Anasazi means " Ancient Enemies " in their language . Now , either these " Ancestral Puebloans " didn 't have a language ( either written or spoken ) in which they were named , or the fact that they sort of disappeared in the 13th century means that the name was lost to history - I dunno . What I do know is , with due respect to the latter day cliff dwellers , is that it 's silly to try and change the name that history knows you as , simply because it names you as someone 's enemy . They obviously didn 't get along with the Navajos , ergo . . . they would technically be their enemies , and since the true name is unknown , then it seems logical to keep the name that was given . My tribe happens to be called Cherokee , which means " Tree People " but I haven 't tried changing it because I don 't live in a tree . Besides , Anasazi kind of sounds bad ass and mysterious . I 'd seen some of these dwellings in books before and had no idea where they were , so I was excited ! We didn 't want to go on the guided tour , so Mr . Lee drove us around and we stopped where we wanted to and took pictures . We had to take a really long trail to the first one , so we got to see them up close . It was a tough hike since we were at such a high elevation and the air was so thin , but it was worth it ! Unfortunately we got down to the ruins at the same time as a very large school field trip of children , so we had to dodge around them to get pictures without kids in them , but we managed . I was a little disappointed to learn that some of the ruins had been rebuilt . When I go to see history , I want to see it the way it 's supposed to look ! Of course , I can 't complain too much , because if someone hadn 't done some work on them , they probably wouldn 't still be standing . Oh , well , I still totally enjoyed it . We saw so many neat things and the weather was gorgeous . It was warm with cool winds . By far it was the best weather we 've had this whole trip ! We stayed at Mesa Verde until the afternoon and moved on to our next stop , Moab , Utah . We only stopped long enough to drop off our luggage at our hotel before we were on our way to the next adventure . We stopped at a Wendy 's for a quick dinner , and Steve was almost jumped upon by a very friendly Native American child . He got away from his parents and was intensely interested in what everyone was eating . Luckily , he saw another family that looked more interesting and left before he stuck his hand in our food . That other family wasn 't so lucky . Also , I 'm fairly certain that the guy who took my order cheated me out of a baked potato . I mean , I was OK without it , but we did pay for it and when I told him he 'd forgotten to give it to me , he looked like I was crazy . To be fair , though , he probably wanted me out of there quickly and thought a potato would slow me down . . . I did sort of look homeless by that point . He wouldn 't want me pan handling in his restaurant , I guess . We entered Arches National Park to take a quick - ish turn around the park to see a few things before it got too dark . I know I 'm beginning to sound kind of cheesy since I keep raving about everything , but I can 't help it . Arches was awesome . I mean that in the most literal sense . It fills you with awe . I 've enjoyed every place we 've been thus far , but this place is just . . . I don 't know . Jaw dropping , I guess . It is beautiful , of course , but it 's more than that . I wish all of you could have been there to see it . One thing Steve wanted especially to see was Delicate Arch , which is a very famous formation . We couldn 't take the hike ( Mr . Lee 's leg and my ankle were not doing too hot , and the hike was 15 freaking miles long ) so we went to a viewing area a couple of miles away . I 'm not going to lie , it had gotten hot and I whined about the hike . I felt bad later , but it was such a long walk , my foot hurt , and it was hot ! I think I 've found the secret to keeping me happy while doing outdoorsy stuff : keep me from getting hot . Other than the being hot thing , though , I was doing fairly well until I noticed my shins were burning pretty badly . At first I thought it was just from the hike , but it felt like something had bitten me . I was wearing jeans , so I rolled up the cuffs and noticed that that the skin on my legs had gotten so dry that it had cracked and red sand had gotten in it . Nice . Yuck . Ouch . Since the light was failing , and since were were going to go back to see the stuff we missed tomorrow morning , we left the park to go back to the hotel . I wish we had more time to visit the town of Moab , because it has all kinds of little shops and restaurants that look interesting . I know Mr . Lee would let me go if I asked , but it would put us way behind . Oh well , maybe another time ! We got back to our hotel , super tired and very dirty , had a vending machine dinner and sacked out . We headed out of Page in the morning and began driving towards Monument Valley . We had to make a stop at Wal - Mart to buy lotion . We all have begun feeling scaly . Seriously , it 's so dry that you dont even feel completely wet in the shower ! Poor Steve has been getting nose bleeds in the morning because of this . I don 't mind the dry air , though , because you don 't get soaked with sweat even when it 's hot and you don 't have to use a hair dryer ! Of course , my hair looks crazy , but luckily I brought a large supply of hats ! My hands feel like snake skin , which is gross , and my arms and legs feel like I have a thin layer of rubber over my skin , so Gold Bond to the rescue ! Also , and I can 't be sure why , but everything smells faintly like a burnt match . I 'm even tasting sulfer , but I don 't know where it is coming from . I also have a constantly dry mouth and my face feels weird . Climate changes do weird things to me . Although the scenery is very beautiful , after a while it all starts looking the same ! Still , I couldn 't stop looking out of the window ! As we drove , Me . Lee found a Navajo radio station , which we listened to even though we had no idea what they were saying . I tried sending a picture to some of you from my phone , but again service was spotty at best . Maybe you 'll get it one of these days . We stopped briefly in Kayenta , Arizona because we found another shop that sold the pumpkin cookies we like ! SCORE ! Then we drove a bit further and entered the Land of Very Big Rocks . One thing I had forgotten about traveling with Mr . Lee , is that he goes full on " honey badger " when it comes to take pictures . It 's so funny ! He has been known to climb fences , trespass , and simply drive out onto dusty ranch roads to get the perfect shot . Today was no different . First thing , he swung onto a ranch road on someone 's property , within sight of their house , parked on the shoulder and walked out into a pasture . I just knew we 'd get shot ! I jumped out and snapped a quick shot or two , but Lee was out there for a long while . Steve and I watched him as he took pictures , and then we saw him moving some stuff around . We were too far away to really tell what he was doing . When he finally got back to the van , I asked what he had moved , and he told us it was a horse skull ! ! Gross ! He said it added the element he needed for his picture , but still . . . I hope the picture was worth dragging around a skull ! We finally reached Monument Valley , and apparently , things are much nicer there than they used to be . There is a large , modern building that has a museum , gift shop , and restaurant there . It was very nice ! I 've never seen anything like it before . I mean , I 've seen pictures , but none of them do it justice . The buttes were just enormous and red and beautiful . Mr . Lee and I took dozens of photos . We 'd drive , stop , jump out and take pictures . It was so much fun . I got scared that Mr . Lee was going to fall off of a cliff , because he was so wrapped up in taking his pictures that he didn 't seem to be watching where he was going . Luckily , though , we all made it out alive . There were a few bad moments where I thought I was going to barf , because the roads were terrible . They were not much more than ranch trails , and driving on them shook us around terribly . I didn 't barf , but it was a close call . It was still cold , and it got very windy . At the first stop , a gust of wind hurled sand and dust into my face and it got into my eyes and stuck in my lip gloss . Yuck . If the wind hadn 't been blowing , it probably wouldn 't have been cold . Oh well , I still say it 's better than being hot ! We walked around the center point , and Steve took pictures of my feet in each state . I realized while looking at them that I 'm so pale that I look green . It 's not easy , you know . We were staying in Cortez , Colorado , and when we got to our hotel it turned out we got a honking big suite . We think it might have been an apartment at some point , because the dimensions didn 't make sense when compared to the rest of the hotel . Also , Steve and I found a creepy little kitchen right off of our bedroom . It 's old and doesn 't look or smell as if it had been used in a long time . It also has a doorway to the outside , so we were a bit creeped out thinking that someone could just walk into our room in the middle of the night . We locked the door and hoped no weird people would walk in and try to spoon us in the middle of the night . The hotel is great , but that kitchen just doesn 't make sense and it weirded me out . I don 't see how anyone can get used to living in Springdale . It 's so gorgeous , I 'd spend all my time looking out of the window ! I suppose you can get used to anything , though . On the way out of town , we stopped at the Human History museum in Zion to get some pictures of the park since the sun was out today . There is literally no place you can look where the scenery isn 't beautiful . It doesn 't even look real , it 's so pretty . I bet there are places in heaven that look like this . I wish I could show it off to everyone I know . I actually tried , but cell phone signals are not so great out here . Hopefully someone got the picture I took ! : ) Our next stop was the Coral Pink Sand Dunes , which was kind of an " on the fly " trip . After the ginger at the gate got kind of nasty with Mr . Lee for not knowing how to get inside of the park , we made it to the dunes and they were so cool ! They popped up out of nowhere . You 're driving along , looking at trees and big rocks and then BAM , you 're looking at pinkish - orange sand dunes ! Awesome . I walked down onto them and promptly almost fell down , of course . I managed to stay on my feet , and somehow I got a mouthful of sand . I determined that the sand dunes didn 't like me , so I went back to the parking lot . It was cold out there , too . I dozed off and on when we got back on the road , so I didn 't see an awful lot until we got into Kanab , Utah . We ate lunch at a pretty fair Mexican restaurant ( a local favorite ) and did a little shopping . We went to a place where there were some absolutely gorgeous silver and turquoise jewelry that I wish I could have bought , but it was antique and cost more than I could afford ! Boo . We drove out of Kanab towards our next stop , and it started raining again . Apparently , we brought rain to the desert . Usually , we only take rain when we travel east , so , go figure . It had also been hailing hard enough to make the ground look covered in snow in some places . While I was very glad it wasn 't anywhere near as hot as the last time we were here , I was a little surprised that it would be so cold ! There is one thing that kind of sucks about traveling out here , and that 's the complete lack of knowing what time it is . The time zones change without warning , and then it depends on whether you are on or off the Navajo reservation . As of now , we might as well say we are on Western Howdy Doody Time . It was so beautiful ! I wish there hadn 't been buildings out there to get in the way of my pictures , but oh well . It was also warm , so I got out and walked around a bit . Mr . Lee found a flowering cactus , and when I knelt down to take a picture , I don 't know if I fell or just forgot that cacti were spiny , but my hand went right onto it . Ouch ! I spent the next few minutes plucking spines from my fingers . Our next stop was in Page , Arizona , where most of the things we had planned kind of fell through . The shop where we usually get special pumpkin cookies had closed ( boo ! ) , the slot canyons were closed , and ( and I hate to admit this ) I chickened out of climbing up to see the horseshoe bend . Mr . Lee couldn 't make the climb because he 'd twisted his knee , and Steve didn 't want to see it , so there wasn 't anyone who could shame me into going . Shut up ! There were no guard rails ! It was 1000 feet to the river below , and you have to go right to the edge to see it . Also , and I know this isn 't fair , but I have an irrational fear that Steve is going to push me off of a cliff . I 've been having nightmares . We finally just went to the hotel to check in , and we all fell asleep . I think we 're all turning into old people . I woke up when Glee came on and spent an hour trying to explain to Steve and Mr . Lee what was going on and who everyone was . Fun , that . Later , we went out to pick up a quick dinner and spent the rest of the evening sitting around . I didn 't mind , though . We had a lot of stuff planned for the next day . This morning we reluctantly woke up and headed out of the city . There was a lot of road to cover before we made it to our next stop . We had breakfast at a Carl 's Jr . restaurant , and I had to slap Mr . Lee on the arm for telling the lady behind the counter that they needed to get the food we have at Hardee 's back at home . I swear , he 's turning into Grandma . : ) We got back on the interstate , and it was like driving across the surface of Mars . Well , if Mars had scrubby bushes , that is . Don 't get me wrong though , it 's beautiful country . Long stretches of flat desert bordered by rocky hills and mountains . It looks like everything is close but Mr . Lee says that the clear air magnifies , so we were actually very far away from them . It was really pretty . There were a couple of places where my brain had trouble processing what I was seeing . It was just mountains , but my head kept expecting to see Alabama type scenery . I was instead looking at something completely unfamiliar and I couldn 't quite wrap my brain around it . It was a weird sensation ! At one point , we were going along a long , flat road , and suddenly it seemed like mountains came out of nowhere and jumped in front of the car . Before I knew it , we were driving through a canyon inside the mountains . It literally took my breath away for a minute . I mean , you hear about that happening , but has it ever really happened to you ? I almost had to grab my inhaler , but I managed to start breathing again . : ) Good Lord . . . It was huge and deep and amazing . I wish I could have taken pictures , but we were moving too fast . Seriously , when you start feeling like you 're important , I suggest you go to that canyon and be reminded how small you are in the scheme of things . We made our way through the unbelievable scenery and into a small town called Hurricane , Utah , where we stopped for gas , ice cream , and jackets . Believe it or not , it was chilly outside . Neither Steve nor I had brought coats , because the last couple of times we had traveled out there , it was blazing hot . We were not prepared for the late spring weather ! We couldn 't really find what we were looking for , so we had to settle for some cheap Wal - Mart workout suit jackets . We figured they would be good enough . Heh . We made it into Springdale , Utah , where we would be spending the night at The Brambleberry Inn . We actually stayed there the last time we visited the west , so it was nice to be in a familiar place . It was a bit overcast and only a little chilly , which wasn 't too bad . Since we had gotten to our hotel sooner than we had expected , we decided to take the tram into Zion National Park , which was just down the street . While we were waiting on the tram , I decided to run back to our room and grab Mr . Lee 's and my jacket . Steve didn 't want his ( that part is important ) . It wasn 't really cold , but I was a little chilly at the bus stop and figured it wouldn 't hurt to bring it along . I 'm very glad I did . Zion National Park is in this gorgeous valley below high Navajo sandstone cliffs . It attracts all kinds of people , from the wheelchair bound to serious survivalist rock climbers and hikers . It 's the kind of place where you might get shivved by a hippy if you " Take more than pictures " or " Leave more than footprints . " When we got on the park bus to go to a place called " Weeping Rock " , it was just starting to sprinkle , and we were joined on the bus by some of the hard core outdoorsmen . They were outfitted with Camelbacks , hiking gear , and heavy rain parkas . When they walked on , I had a moment of smugness when I saw their rain gear . I thought , " Huh , they 're so tough , but they can 't stand to get a little damp . Wimps . " When we reached our stop , Mr . Lee must have been feeling the same smugness , because he called all the people not getting off of the bus " cowards . " The path up to Weeping Rock is very steep , but not impossible to climb . Steve , Mr . Lee and I began up the trail , and the rain got harder . No big deal , right ? Steve didn 't want to continue up the trail , but I shamed him into it . Lee had to stop and change a camera battery , so we went on without him . Just as Steve and I got to the top , the rain started coming down with a lot of force and it started to hurt . Of course , that 's when it stopped being rain and started being hail . We ran up the steps and hid under the rock as the hail pelted down . I 'd love to say that the rock provided a lot of protection from the water , but it 's called " Weeping Rock " for a reason . It constantly drips underneath . Nice . Mr . Lee eventually struggled up the trail , wet and beaten with ice , to hide under the rock with us . We got a chance to take a few pictures , and when the hail stopped , we decided to walk back down to the tram stop . Before we were halfway down , the hail started up again with a vengeance . I 've never stood out in a heavy hail storm before , and I don 't think I ever want to do it again . The ice bits were like rock salt ! I was already wet and cold , so the hail beating down stung like a mofo . We 're lucky the hailstones didn 't get any bigger ! Poor Steve was wearing shorts and no hat , plus , he hadn 't brought his jacket , so he was getting the worst of it . By the time we made it to the bus shelter , we were freezing cold and soaked through . The temperature had dropped , so instead of soldiering on to another stop , we hopped the bus and rode it back to the visitor 's center . We were miserably wet and cold . We finally got back and had the chance to warm up a minute or two before the visitor 's center closed , and then we caught the tram back to our inn . I woke this morning in my clothes , on top of the covers , and face down in a pile of pillows . Well , I almost had all of my clothes on . Thank God I was wearing two shirts , because I only had the outer one on one arm and the rest of it was wrapped around my head . I must have been extremely sleepy to manage that . I don 't even remember going to sleep . Maybe it was a defense mechanism that kicked in while we were watching Desperate Housewives . * Shudder * By the way , What the hell is it with resorts and all of the pillows ? Who needs 9 pillows ? Even with Steve 's giant head , he doesn 't need that many pillows . Want to give your sphincter a workout first thing in the morning ? Look out of a floor - to - ceiling window on the 36th floor when you forget you are that high . Since Mr . Lee had the meeting with the resort people today , Steve and I were on our own . After breakfast , we walked across the street to The Sahara * and looked around a bit . The Sahara seems weirdly empty , but that could have been because it was a Sunday morning . We won $ 5 in the casino ! Of course , we managed to lose that 5 dollars at the other casinos , but it was fun while it lasted . After that , we got on the Monorail ( can 't seem to get away from those , can I ? ) and went as far down Las Vegas Blvd as we could . We took a few pictures , and then we walked down to the Luxor and wondered around . We actually just walked from casino to casino and looked around . I think we walked a hundred miles today , which probably wasn 't great for my ankle . It hurt . A lot . I had the ankle brace on , but it basically only kept my foot from twisting again . I was apparently too dumb to take an aspirin before venturing out . On a good note , I found Macarons ! ! ! ! ! WOOT ! I figured if anywhere would have them , the Paris Las Vegas Hotel would have them ! Yay ! Actually , it was a place called the Sugar Factory attached to the hotel , but whatever . Ahhhhhhhhhhh ! * Angel Chorus * You want to know the truth ? These cookies were prettier , but my cookies tasted better ! : ) At least now I know ! AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE ! We also went to the Forum Shops at Caesar 's Palace and looked around . I realized pretty quickly that a ) I can 't fit into any of the clothes any of the stores sell , and b ) I couldn 't afford them even of I could wear them . Boo . So , I did the only thing I could think of , I went back to the Vosges Haut - Chocolate store and got some stuff I 'd never tried before ! Don 't judge me . Thankfully , I didn 't buy three tons of fancy chocolates that had to be temperature controlled from there this time . I bought a reasonable amount of boxed stuff that could be carried around in my backpack . The girl behind the counter even gave me a free one ! NOM ! Have I mentioned that Cirque du Soleil freaks me the hell out ? It really does . It isn 't normal for people to move in those ways and it scares me . I don 't even like watching them on television . Also , Cirque du Soleil is EVERYWHERE in Las Vegas . You can 't get away from them ! So I spent my time here flinching away from the posters and banners . Whee . The whole time we were out , the wind was blowing like crazy . I mean , the news said there were 60 mph gusts and I believe it ! All of the rollar coasters and other outdoor rides were closed because of it . It was blowing so hard that it was really hard to walk against , and it was slinging very fine sand into our faces . I got a couple of pieces in my eyes , which was quite unpleasant . At one point , I opened my mouth to say something , and a gust of wind blew sand down my throat . Yuck ! You think God was telling me something ? ; ) My foot was hurting so bad , and we were so tired and hot , that we decided to come back to the hotel . My ankle was swollen worse and bruised , my hair was just . . . insane , and I had a fine crust of sand all over my face . I looked lovely . When I went to the bathroom to wash my face , I noticed that the wind had blown one of my earrings right out of my ear lobe ! Lucky it wasn 't expensive or anything , but it was one of my favorite ones . Hastared wind . Mr . Lee came in a few minutes after we did and we decided to go and get dinner . We jumped in the car and went to The Bellagio to try their famous buffet . It was delicious , which was a surprise . Usually buffet food tastes industrial to me , but this was very good ! It was also expensive , and I didn 't feel as if I ate enough to justify the price . The hotel itself was gorgeous , and I wish there hadn 't been so many people there because I would have loved to get closer to some of the Marino glass sculptures . They were made by frickin ' Dale Chihuly ! Can you believe it ? ! I am such a dorky fan of that guy , but I never thought I 'd get to see any of his stuff in person . It was GORGEOUS ! We were all still pretty tired after we ate , jet lag I suppose , so we went back to the hotel and sacked out . I wish there had been more exciting adventures , but it was at least a fun day ! : ) * EDIT : I had no idea The Sahara was closing down ! How sad . : ( It really was a lovely building . No wonder it was so empty . If we had known , I might have tried stealing one of the chandeliers ! : ) We had no problem with our flight out of Huntsville , and we even had a fairly easy time with our flight from Atlanta . The flight was full and our seats were in the very back of the plane . Sitting in the back doesn 't bother me , but it must bother other people quite badly . These old biddies sitting behind us , who had apparently only made it onto our flight on a stand by list , complained a lot about where they were seated . It really got on my nerves ! Add to that the fact that they talked loud , brought smelly food onto the plane , and kept getting up and wondering around the plane . Who does that ? They 'd stand up and just hang out in the aisle , much to the chagrin of the flight attendants who were pulling big carts down the aisle . In fact , a lot of people just stood up and wondered around during the flight . I just kept to my seat , alternately reading , staring out of the window , and dozing off . At one point , I fell asleep and dreamed I was on a train . I woke up suddenly , my mind still convinced I was on a train , and I was looking right out of the window . The weather was very clear , so instead of seeing trees passing by , I was looking straight down on middle American farmlands at least 35 , 000 feet down . I had a split second where my Crazy Town brain almost kicked in and I came within an ace of screaming . Luckily , I remembered where I was in time . I 'm sure everyone appreciated that ! We only had one fairly bad moment when we were landing . The winds were pretty harsh , and they were shaking the plane badly . I can get motion sick fairly easily sometimes , and even though I 'd been fine up to this point , it hit me quickly . The absolute last thing I want to do is barf on a plane , so I grabbed for my backpack which had a bag of candied ginger in it . It 's the only thing I 've ever known that can stop nausea cold . Unfortunately , the man sitting in front of me had kept his his seat leaned back practically in my lap the whole flight , and my backpack was wedged under it . It was close , and I probably should have just horked on his head We landed and managed to get onto the tram that would take us to the baggage claim area . It took us to the big part of the airport , where all of the shops and things are . We had to walk a long way , and once we were almost there , we had to descend a set of stairs . Well , there was a set of stairs and a down escalator , but for some insane reason , I chose to use the stairs . I was doing fine , thinking to myself that if I had known how steep the stairs were , I wouldn 't have used them , when my ankle turned . I heard a crunch and I went down . I managed to only fall down two of the stairs and catch myself by the hand rail before I went all the way down , but the damage had been done . I didn 't fall far , but I fell hard . I ended up sitting on the stairs , with people going by asking if I was ok , and I managed to get up and walk , but my ankle was borked . I could walk , but it felt like cold needles were racing up and down my leg with every step . By the time we had gotten to our rental car , I knew it was sprained pretty badly . Unfortunatey , there was nothing I could do about it . We couldn 't check into our hotel yet , so we went to a little independant Mexican place and grabbed lunch ( the food was amazing , by the way ) , and since we had planned to go to Hoover Dam to see the new bridge , I climbed a lot of stairs and walked almost all of the way across the bridge before I had to stop . We made it back to the car , and stopped a couple of times along the dam to take pictures , which didn 't do my ankle any favors . I was tough , though , and kept my whining to a minimum ! : ) We had to stop at Wal - mart and pick up a few things , so I got a lovely ankle brace to keep me from making things worse . So that 's great . I 'm on a walking / hiking vacation , and I managed to hurt myself first thing . We are staying in a really nice place , one of the Hyatt Grand Vacation resorts right on the Las Vegas strip ! Our room is on the 36th floor , and I haven 't made myself look out of window yet . : ) I felt like a homeless person when we first came into the place because we were hauling all of our luggage and a cooler when we waked in , and we had that grungy " we 've been traveling all day " look . With all of these well dressed people walking around , I felt like one of the Beverly Hillbillies . We had to take Bear to the vet early this morning and there was an " incident " with another dog . He was already wound up when we got him in the car , and when we took him inside he didn 't seem to get any calmer . Since it was morning , I didn 't think it would be much of a problem , but we somehow managed to get there just as a tide of dogs were being brought in for dog day care . ( Yeah , I know . ) I don 't know if he got scared , or if it was because he thought he was protecting Steve , who was holding him back , but a Cocker Spaniel came in and got in his face and Bear chomped down on his front paw and wouldn 't let go . They got them separated , and he didn 't tear up the other dogs foot , but there was a hole in it and it was bleeding . When we left the dog was in a consult room with one of the surgical techs . The man was so angry . I apologized , but I don 't think he was listening to me . We told the vet we 'd pay for fixing the dog 's paw , but I 'm afraid that man will try and sue us or something . He seemed really , really angry . There is no way we can afford to be sued . I 'm not even sure how we can afford to pay for the other dogs bill , especially if he needs surgery or something . The whole incident made me feel sick to my stomach , and I 've been huddled in a ball alternately chewing my fingernails off and crying since we got back . It doesn 't sound like a big deal , and I 'm hoping it isn 't in the long run , but the man was SO angry . Bear isn 't a mean or bad dog , he 's just stupid . I feel so awful . EDIT : OK , I 've calmed down a bit . It was just reaction , I guess . I 've never seen one of our dogs hurt any other dogs but each other and it scared me . I also realize that the man couldn 't successfully sue us since dogs are dogs and they bite sometimes . I also saw everything and know that Bear didn 't actually attack the other dog AND he was being restrained PLUS the fact that a whole herd of dogs came in and were growling and snapping at each other and it just so happened that the Spaniel happened to jump at Bear at just the wrong time . I still feel terrible , though . We will , of course , pay to have the other dog 's paw treated . It was just awful to have my dog hurt another person 's dog . : ( I hope Bandit will be OK . Posted by BLOGGING IN THE DARKMay 1 , 2011I was told that revolution was just three missed meals away . For me , revolution would begin the first time I couldn 't flush my toilet . Luckily , the water treatment plant that services our area wasn 't damaged in the storms . We 've had clean , running water this whole time and for that I 'm very grateful ! I 've actually figured out that the lack of power doesn 't bother me as much as I thought it would . Of course , I 'm going on the assumption that the situation is only temporary , but still , most of the things I do don 't require much electricity . It 's inconvenient , but not terrible . I think if this had to be long term or permanent , I 'd miss the internet the most . If for no other reason than because I have friends I 'd never hear from again without internet access , which sucks . Oh well , that is just life in these modern times , right ? Right now I 've still got my iPad and iPod , which can be charged in the car to keep me from going completely technologically cold turkey , and the odd minute or so I can use Steve 's phone to read Twitter or Facebook to make sure my friends are still out there . Not so bad , actually . It 's weird how empty the town feels . A lot of people got out of Dodge and off to greener , better lighted pastures once they realized how long we 'd be off the power grid . I know that there are still plenty of people out here , but Huntsville is ( contrary to popular belief ) kind of a big town . I 'm used to at least a modest amount of traffic and noise , even out here in the suburbs . The most cars I 've seen in my immediate area lately have been at Target or Publix , and even then , there aren 't as many as I 've seen there before . I made breakfast on a Sterno hot plate today ! We 've been reduced to college dorm food . Those arebacon bits on an egg sandwich . Oy vey . We found one at a sporting goods store nearby , and we were very lucky to find it ! Almost every piece of camp cooking equipment was snatched up long before we got there . The only reason it could even do us a bit of good was because I still had 2 Posted by BLOGGING IN THE DARKApril 30 , 2011Well , the electricity fairy didn 't magically arrive in the middle of the night last night . Too bad . : ( Don 't worry , we 're still hanging in there . Steve and I have been incredibly lucky through all this , so I 've begun to feel a little ashamed of myself for complaining about the lack of power . I mean , sure , it 'd be nice to have the Internet for longer than a few minutes at a time , or the ability to watch television , but it 's probably good for me to get away from some of that stuff for a while . There are so many people who have it worse . We decided to go to Mr . Lee 's house today and see if his gas water heater worked without electricity . It did ! We both managed to get hot baths and we sort of looted his cabinets a bit . Steve says it 's not looting if you know the person , but I still kind of felt bad . We will , of course , replace what we took . After leaving his place , we stopped by to check on one of my aunts who lives nearby and see if she needed anything . It 's hard for me to believe that she is over 70 years old . All of my aunts , and my mom , are like perpetual teenagers to me . Aunt Peggy was fine and didn 't need a thing , so we left her to check on my property . There is only one barn on the property , and it was fine . The only thing I saw was a couple of fence posts leaning askew . For all I know , they were like that before . It was tough going out there , though . A lot of the roads were blocked , and National Guardsmen had checkpoints in many of the worst places . The Military Branch of Men With Impressive MustachesThis used to be woods . I downloaded much clearer pictures from friends who actually went through the bad spots . Since they are on other computer at the moment , they will be uploaded later . Even though we didn 't drive through the worst of it , we still saw plenty . The landscape I knew so well has changed . Trees sheared off , houses obliterated , things just gone . It was heartbreaking . It was like going to see a friend in the hospital who 's had a bad wreck and seeing them Scratched , scraPosted by BLOGGING IN THE DARKApril 29 , 2011I wonder how many people around here are ticked off that they didn 't get to see the royal wedding ? : ) For the first time ever , I kind of regret having the dogs . Well , not really regret having them , but regret that they never learned to travel without freaking out . I 'd love to load up and head down to the beach while the power is off up here . It isn 't that I can 't stand the lack of power , but it sucks just sitting up here waiting . There isn 't much to do and it 's so quiet . Also , I wouldn 't turn my nose up at a hot shower , either . Part of me kind of feels like I 'm on an adventure , trying to figure out how to deal with everything without power . Another part of me wants to tell that first , adventurous part to blow it out of her rear . Sorry , I don 't mean to sound whiny , I 'm just going a bit stir crazy , I guess . I realize that being dirty and a bit bored is a small price to pay to still have a home ! Not everyone I know is so lucky . I got a chance to talk to my sister , and she told me that my nephew 's girlfriend pretty much lost everything except some clothes , and it was sheer chance that neither she nor her mother were home when the house was hit . I also still haven 't heard if anyone I know was killed or hurt . So far , no news is good news . We actually did get to have an adventure today , though ! We ran by and picked up Anthony , and then drove into Tennessee to locate charcoal and hopefully a hot meal . Someone had told Steve that the Wal - Mart in Tullahoma hadn 't been stripped clean yet , so we set out to find it . We drove through some back roads until we reached Winchester , where we were able to fill up the car fairly easily . We couldn 't fill up before then because pretty much every gas station was out of gas and The Men With Impressive Mustaches waved us away from the entrances . We actually didn 't need gas that badly , and weren 't even trying to pull into the stations , so we weren 't in a bind or anything . We only filled up where we did because the station wasn 't clogged with cars . We didn 't nPosted by BLOGGING IN THE DARKApril 28 , 2011I spent all morning listening to the people calling into the radio station , talking about what had happened around North Alabama . It wasn 't as depressing as it had been the night before , but it was still plenty awful . Mostly , it was people talking about where you could find places with power , gas , food and of course , the people calling in to ask idiotic questions . The on air talent was beginning to get a bit punchy with some of the callers , but it was deserved . It was as if people just weren 't listening to what earlier people had said . Of course , our power was still out , and we found out that we may not have any power for as long as 7 days . We are lucky that this happened during a relatively cool part of the year . No AC during really hot weather is no joke around here . Also , I don 't feel like I can complain too much about the power being off . At least we still have our home ! Both fortunately and unfortunately , I had gotten groceries before the storms hit . Fortunate , because we weren 't going to starve if the power had to stay off for a while . Unfortunate , because a lot of the groceries had been meat and dairy . We drank a lot of milk today . We also have to plan a big barbecue , because we are going to lose all of the food in the fridge in next couple of days . It turned out that both Target and Publix were open , with limited power , so Steve and I went to see if we could grab a bag of charcoal . Of course , we were very late to the party and there was no charcoal to be found . There was also no bottled water , bread , and Pop Tarts were quite scarce . We left Publix empty handed , but were at least able to get a grill plate ( for things usually too small to put on the grill ) some pop tarts , lighter fluid , and 3 card games at Target . Oh , and as an aside , I 'd love to know why the cashier at Target , the one I 'm always super nice to , never fails to treat me like I 've got cooties . I 've gone through is line a billion times , and he 's never once been friendly to me , even though he is friendly to the peoPosted by BLOGGING IN THE DARK - I was fortunate enough to have the iPad charged during the past few days , so I wrote about what was going on and then emailed it to myself once the power was restored ! It 's not all that gripping , but it kept me from getting bored ! : ) April 27 , 2011Have you ever been woken up by a tornado siren ? I don 't recommend it . It 's bad enough that the siren has bad connotations , i . e . Being a harbinger of a giant , whirling cone of death and destruction , but it is also frigging loud . It 's probably less than 200 yards away from our house , so when it goes off . . . we know about it . Fearing for your life like that really puts a spring in your step no glass of Ovaltine can match , though . It was early , but Steve and I dressed and turned in the TV to catch our awesome weather coverage . I swear , the weather men around here can follow storms like nobody 's business . They know the time and place that one will strike with such accuracy , you 're almost tempted to believe that they are the ones who set them in motion . Seriously , our state has awesome weather guys . I 'm glad to say that even though the world around us was seemingly disintegrating , the weather in our neighborhood stayed pretty stable . That probably sounds callous , but I don 't mean it as such . Because we kept our power , once I was finally able to get in touch with my mom ( who was fine , by the way ) I could tell her what the weather men were saying about her neck of the woods . There was one funny incident that I know I can 't do justice , but once our power actually did go out , I was reduced to listening to the radio on a tiny FM thing I 'd bought on a whim at the Dollar Tree . the radio station was allowing people to call in and tell them what was going on , since most of the stations had lost radar feed by that time . One guy , who had a very country accent , called in and said " Yeah , I 'm standing out here on Sanderson Road , and there is golf ball sized hayle out here ! * thumpthumpthump * jeezzus chryst , that there was baseball sized hayle ! Did y ' all hear that ? jeezuz chrPosted by |
Old Mountain Man by Lesnar Hughes January 24 , 2013 / 0 Comments / in Articles / by gamedog It was December 1989 . A few days earlier we had been married and we were now driving south on the Blue Ridge Parkway to visit with one of the most respected legends in the dog game . In spite of the unfamiliar geography , we had little trouble arriving at our destination . The road we were on ran parallel to a mountain creek , and on the other side of that creek we soon spotted what we were looking for , a large wooden sign nailed to an old apple tree that read : When we got out of our car we realized that it was a lot colder here than in the foothills where we live . To the left was the house and Mr . Hughes greeted us at the door . He projected the calm self confidence of a man who had already accomplished all of his goals in life , yet the intensity of competition was still there . He introduced us to his wife Evelyn and their two children , Christine and Cole , then proceeded to put on a coat and his trademark western style hat . We followed him outside to see his yard of about twenty - five dogs . We headed up a small slope and to the right of the driveway , at the end of which was a building . Directly to our right , along the bank of the creek , were a row of kennel runs where Mr . Hughes ' brood bitches and puppies are kept . These were ideally set up ; six foot chain link sides with the doors set two feet off the floors , an insulated doghouse attached to each kennel from the outside , with a small door in the side of each house to allow instant access to a bitch with puppies or a sick dog . Each pen has an automatic waterer and built in food tray . The best feature of these kennels is that each one is elevated on a sturdy wooden deck . Mr . Hughes simply sprays them down with a high pressure hose and everything rinses down between the boards . Just past the kennels was the building we 'd seen from the driveway . We were surprised to find as we entered that it was warm inside , the building had heat , electricity and running water . This building which consists of a small office , a heated whelping room , a bathroom and a carpeted main room has been the site of a lot of Bulldog history over the years . The back door led out onto a deck over the creek , and a series of narrow bridges and catwalks that crisscross the creek . Behind the building , the creek ( which despite the intense cold , was not frozen over and filled the air with the sound of roaring water ) splits into two branches and then rejoins , forming a small island of rock . On this island , and on both banks of the creek , were a number of barking Bulldogs running back and forth on overhead cable runs and trying to get our attention . Each dogs ' setup consists of either a winter proof doghouse or a barrel partly embedded in the riverbank , and a long , sturdy , overhead cable run . The dogs drink fresh water from the creek itself and seemed quite at home hopping back and forth across the water on the rocks . Mr . Hughes ' dogs were in the best of health and among them were : Long 's Werdo , an inbred son of CH Jeep who has proven to be quite a producer ; Daisy , CH Jeep ROM x GR CH Miss Rage ; Bandit , GR CH Outlaw x R . C . 's Molly ; L ' il Bill Jr . , CH L ' il Bill x Shena ; plus an assortment of very well bred young dogs . Mostly Eli bred through Rascal , Buster and Cowboy Lines . That was the first of many times we have visited The Old Mountain Man . We feel honored to know a man who is truly one of the " dinosaurs " of the dog game , and are grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from him . Mr . and Mrs . Hughes have been most generous with their hospitality , welcoming us into their home and offering us their friendship . Mr . Hughes became involved with Bulldogs about forty - five years ago , although it was not until about twenty years ago that he became well known in the mainstream dog game . By the seventies he had become known as " The Old Mountain Man " . He has seen a lot of great dogs in action in his near half century in the game , and played a part in the careers of more than a few of them . He is not a man who brags about his many accomplishments or has anything negative to say about another Dogman , and his word is his bond . He doesn 't get involved in any of the petty squabbles or gossip so prevalent in the dog game and is a remnant from an era when all that was required to seal a business deal was a handshake and ones word . " A few years back some boys drove down from the Bronx , New York to buy a grown dog " , Mr . Hughes told us one time . " They didn 't have enough money with them to buy the dog they wanted , so I let them go ahead and take the dog home and send me the money later . " Mr . Hughes shook his head and smiled , " Everyone told me I 'd never see the money , but the rest of the money came in the mail from New York , just as they 'd promised . " He has a keen eye for the dogs , and a great deal of insight into their behavior . We have heard it said that Lester can see in five or ten minutes what it would take most people an hour too see in a dog , and we have come to value his opinion of a dog more than our own . We have seen him observe what appears to be an " Ace " in action , and when asked for his opinion simply state that " another ten minutes he would 've stopped " , or after watching a young dog thoroughly embarrass its owner , tell the owner to wait another month and try it again . A lot of dogs that came close to being culls at eighteen months turned out to be fastlane dogs , with just a bit more time to mature thanks to his wisdom . Mr . Hughes ' philosophy is that they 'll all quit , just some will quit a lot sooner than others . He has also taught us a lot about WHY different dogs quit . He saw the old CH Rascal dog lose a match and win several others and said of the loss " It was a quit because of the heat , he was not afraid of the other dog . In fact when they got him cooled down , he was struggling to find his opponent . " It does make sense that a dog who fails to scratch because his senses are beginning to fail him ( because of heat , severe injuries , exhaustion or shock ) should not be placed in the same category as a dog who stands the line because he does not want any more of what his opponent is dishing out . He also told us that the way gameness is looked upon has changed , particularly as applies to " cold dogs " . Cold was not a term that was in the vocabulary or the minds of the average Dogman forty years ago . A dog was either game or a cur . Mr . Hughes felt that the breeding careers of a lot of potential great producers were stopped short by this way of thinking . " I started fighting dogs when I was a teenager " Mr . Hughes began . We were sitting at his kitchen table with him and his wife and had asked him how he got into Bulldogs . " Back then everyone had some kind of dog , and there was always a dogfight going on somewhere around here . I had a big collie then , supposedly a purebred , but looking back I imagine there must 've been some Bulldog in him because he had a big ole head with big lips and must have weighed about seventy - five pounds , his name was Jack . We used to take him all over the county and he had had whipped just about every dog in the area that anyone had . One day , me and my uncle were sitting with Jack on the riverbank by the road here . " Mr . Hughes gestures out the window at the road on the other side of the creek . " It was more of a trail than a road back then , just a dirt path that you could take a horse or maybe a small wagon on . Anyway , after a while a man came down the road with a shorthaired dog . He was from Tennessee and we 'd heard his dog was supposed to be a real mean fighter . He went down the road to the old country store down the hill I guess , and a little while later we saw him coming back up the hill . He spotted us sitting there with our dog watching him and called out , " Boy , hold your dog , this is a pretty bad dog I 've got here . " Me and my uncle looked at each other , kinda grinnin ' , and my uncle called back " I believe this one can take care of himself . " " Hold your dog " , he repeated , " This one 'll hurt him if they get in a fight . " I believe I sort of put my hand on Jack 's neck , like I was gonna hold him , and the man walked past us . I waited till he 'd gone another twenty feet or so ; let go of Jack 's neck and said " Get him Jack ! " And Jack did , but it was the worst mistake Jack ever made . " Mr . Hughes shook his head and a rare smile came across his face . " You couldn 't see the smaller dog for the cloud of dust " , he continued , " but when it cleared what we saw was Jack on his back . The other dog had a good stifle hold and Jack started to sing a little . It wasn 't too long before Jack wasn 't doing ANYTHING anymore but singin ' . After the old man had gotten his dog off poor Jack , I asked him what kind of dog it was . He told me his dog was a " Pit Bulldog " , and that was the very first Pit Bulldog I ever saw . It was about six months before I got a Bulldog , I don 't know whether the few I had were much good , but they won some backyard fights . If one quit , we 'd just put him back on his chain and say he 'll do better next time , because Bulldogs were pretty rare back then around here . I got my first good dogs from a man in Tennessee that the old man I 'd met that day with Jack told me about . We had some terrible fights , and the only conditioning those dogs ever got was hunting with us in the woods . We 'd never even heard of a treadmill back then . " Mr . Hughes told us that when he first began seriously matching dogs , most matches were fought by " Old Country Rules " or " Country Style " . In his own words , " We used to let ' em fight until one guys dog would quit , or one guy 'd go in and get his dog . That used to be the rules we had a long time ago . " One of the first dogs he matched was his old Ranger dog , a son of Cotton 's Bullet . " I was matched into some fellers from around Smithfield . When I showed up with my dog nobody really knew me , and MAN they had money ! They wore rings that looked like they 'd be worth my whole house here , and gold tie clasps . I didn 't know whether I was even gonna get to fight my dog or not , in other words they didn 't want to fight for what I was willing to bet . Then some feller stepped up and backed me , his name was Whitey something or another . He asked me a little about my dog and then announced " Gentlemen , any of those of you that wish to bet , step over here and let me have your names and who you are . " Some of them just sort of looked down their noses at this man as if to say , you think you have that kind of money ? So he reached down in his front pocket and brought out a roll of bills this big . " He gestures with his hands a wad the size of an orange . " It looked like it was all one hundred dollar bills . Then he said , " If that aint enough , I got some more in the other pocket , and if THAT aint enough , I got some more in the trunk of my car ! " Ranger won the fight pretty easily in fifty - eight minutes , and Whitey had them all lined up payin ' him when it was all over ! The fight had been set up by a man named Huey Hicks , Jack Kelly would remember him , and a short while later Huey brought me a dog he wanted to match into the same people . I believe the night he brought him here , that dog weighed ninety - one pounds . We matched him at seventy - eight pounds , country style . What I didn 't find out until after the match was over was that this dog had been whipped six months before by the very same dog we were putting him on ! That ole dog 's name was Duke . He was a big , black son of Big Boy who Huey Hicks owned , and the only way he 'd fight was country style . Evelyn worked him for that fight . " At this point Mrs . Hughes spoke up , " He was so big he could have dragged me off , but he 'd been obedience trained and would just stand there while you put the harness on him . Then he 'd jump up on the slatmill and work it like crazy . He was as big as a calf . " " He was so well trained a woman or child could handle him . " Mr . Hughes adds , " Except when it was time to take him to the pit . It took William Cable , Bruce King and myself to bring him . " His wife chuckles , " They all three had to carry him , one his middle , one his back end and one his front . And the one that got the front had to hold his head real good . If his head was turned loose , he 'd bite you . " " He was making a kind of screaming noise deep down in his throat , it was scary to hear . " Mr . Hughes continues , " L . P . conditioned and handled the other dog , and boy , there was no way I was supposed to win . They were pretty confident ; their dog had already beaten this one once , and had all kinds of odds on the fight . We turned them loose and Duke went across and grabbed that dog . I don 't think there was a hair of that other dog touching the ground for about a minute or so . " " If I 'd left , he woulda left too . At one point L . P . said " Why don 't you get out of your dogs way and let him leave ? " So I said O . K . , I 'll get out of his way , and I stepped to one side . That dog came over to where I was standing and looked at me , then looked back at the other dog who was layin ' down . Then he went back and grabbed that dog 's throat and started shaking him again . " " Another time , Duke was down and Lester was on his knees with his face right up to Dukes , talking to him , " Mrs . Hughes said . " Duke got back up , Lester must 've talked him back on his feet and L . P . turned to the crowd and said " I don 't know what Mr . Hughes is telling this dog ! " " Mr . Hughes and Duke won the fight at three hours and twenty - five minutes , the other side decided their dog was dead and gave it up . " Old Ranger , I don 't know how many HE won country style , but he whipped everything we ever put on him . That son of a bitch would attack me , if I didn 't do what he wanted . I remember one time I had him on a twenty foot chain out behind the barn , I approached him and noticed as I came up he had a wild look in his eyes . I wasn 't really sure if he intended to be friendly or bite me , but as I got close he came at me wide open , and I saw he was going right for my face . At the last minute , I turned away . Evelyn had gotten me a new winter coat for Christmas and Ranger hit the collar of the coat and tore a big strip about five inches wide down the back . He had it on the ground shakin ' it for all he was worth . " " I knocked him out cold and thought I 'd killed him . When he came to he was just as friendly as a puppy . I believe that dog had flashbacks or something . Most of the time he 'd love me to death , but every now and then he 'd look at me like who the hell are you ? ! One time I was coming along with the feed bucket , back then those five gallon pails were metal not plastic , and he went after me again . I swung that bucket and hit him over the head so hard I thought I 'd killed him , knocked him out cold - AGAIN . He woke up and acted like nothing ever happened . " Another time , I was working him on what we call " The Merry Go Round " . I 'd put a chicken in a cage on it for him to chase . He ran it hard , got it going so fast the whole thing came apart in pieces . I beat him to the chicken , but he decided he was going to take it anyway . MAN ! We had a terrible fight that day ! " Mrs . Hughes added , " You could never turn your back on Ranger , at least I never did . You never really knew what was going on in his head . " She turned to her husband , " Remember that night Ranger got loose and jumped on a dog down by the river ? " Mr . Hughes nodded , " It was pitch dark and the middle of winter . Ranger had just about drowned the other dog . I waded into the creek and near froze to death getting them apart . " Up to this point Mr . Hughes had been smiling and chuckling as he reminisced about Duke and Ranger , but now he turned serious again . " I didn 't used to see much danger in one that was vicious , I knew a Bulldog could hurt a man but I don 't think I realized how bad , I wasn 't afraid of one . Now I 'm a lot more wary of a maneater , they really can hurt you , even kill you . I honestly don 't believe that a grown man could get a sixty - five pound Bulldog off without a weapon , if it decided to attack him . We asked Mr . Hughes about some of the famous pit dogs he 's seen fight , and how he would rate them starting with CH Rascal . " Man , he was a Bulldog ! He won five contract matches , and several more off the chain , but he couldn 't be recognized as a Grand Champion because he lost his first fight . I refereed that fight , it was a hundred and five degrees that day and Rascal got hot and didn 't scratch . He didn 't quit fighting , in other words , he did NOT cur . I 've seen a lot of dogs do that and a lot of people holler he 's a cur . But if one don 't scratch it don 't necessarily mean he 's a cur , there 've been many dogs destroyed as curs that weren 't . I never did see a dog that could put Rascal behind , even the one he lost to died less than a half hour after the match . I put a dog on him once , a real hardbiting dog out of Big Boy that I 'd never seen ANY dog put behind . Rascal put him behind , and kept him behind for over an hour until he quit . Rascal fought any style but liked to work the head . He could overcome any style of one that was put on him . I think that there are as many good dogs going back to CH Rascal as any dog that 's been bred in the last twenty - five years . The Stomponato dog was supposed to be very closely related to Rascal , same sire and their dams were bred about the same . I know that the two bloodlines seem to go real well together . Susie was off Stomponato and produced some good ones bred to Rascal Jr . Stomponato was a well built , good looking dog . I never saw him rolled ; in fact I 'd heard two different stories on the dog . One was that he had won two in Mexico , and the other was that he was cold . I don 't know whether he was cold or not , but a lot of good Bulldogs today carry Stomponato blood . Buster was another one I heard two different stories told about , that he 'd won one and that he was cold also . John Shivar bought him from Maurice Carver for a fifth of whiskey , I heard . He kept Buster either two weeks or two months and then he died . Loposay got the dog and he died after keeping the dog for about the same length of time . I bred to Buster when he was very old , but didn 't get any pups . He sure produced some good ones , his daughter GR CH Miss Rage killed every dog she went into but one . And she killed that one too , the second time she beat it . I saw Midnight Cowboy go . He was a little black dog , short and kind of bowlegged . He was a really good dog , one of the best in my opinion . I 'd put him in the top ten of all the dogs I 've seen fight . He bit good and hard , not as hard as some dogs I 've seen , but hard enough to win . " CH Homer was a hard biter , but Zebo was the hardest . His fights never went very long , which tells you he was biting hard enough to kill his opponents . They claim Greaser didn 't die , I don 't know if he did or not but I never did hear anyone more tell of him , even though they say he was retired to stud . There wouldn 't have even been much competition in that match if Greaser hadn 't had a three pound advantage . I saw the old Tramp Red Boy dog go , he beat me one time . He was a good solid Bulldog . Some people say he couldn 't bite , that he won because he had no real competition . Huey Hicks brought a big bitch to me that he wanted to match into Red Boy , and I did , and for about forty minutes it looked as if she was going to kill Red Boy right there in the pit . Then he got to biting on her head real hard , and he could bite HARD . He stopped her in one hour and seventeen minutes . That was the only time I matched a female against a male , and it wasn 't my match . Even back then it was unusual , and I don 't believe in it . It isn 't fair to either one ; there are times when a male won 't fight a female as hard , most of the time the female would have an advantage because of that . And a female won 't always fight a male as hard as another bitch . That 's just my opinion , someone else might feel different . " Mr . Hughes also saw the great CH Honeybunch in action , and told us " I believe she was one of the best bitches I 've ever seen . In her first match she beat a dog that I conditioned and handled , killed it . I refereed her next match against a bitch named Bonnie , she killed that one too . " We were somewhat surprised by his answer when we asked him about Finley 's GR CH Bo , if he 'd seen him fight , and if he was a very game dog . " No " he replied , " He refused to scratch in front of between seventy - five and a hundred people when he lost his second fight to Vindicator . I wouldn 't say he was a rank cur ; in fact Vindicator was probably the only dog that could have beaten him . Bo got on Vindicator 's head for the first fifteen minutes or so . He had a very good mouth and was biting hard . But then , Vindicator started to work on his front legs real bad . He 'd work on the first one , then the other , then back to the first and so on , and Bo did start singing a little . L . P . bet Bob a hundred dollars that he wouldn 't scratch , but he did make his scratch and Bob picked him up . He refused to go across on his courtesy scratch . When he stood the line , my exact words to Bob were , " Bob , walk over to the other corner and see if he 'll follow you . " He did , but Bo just turned and faced into the corner of the pit . Bo went on to win five or six more matches after he quit that time . I didn 't see GR CH Snake fight , but James Crenshaw told me he was a hell of a dog . CH Jeep was a good game dog , but I 've seen better . I don 't want to take anything away from him , he just wasn 't " the greatest dog of all time " like some people say he was . He was real game , any dog that will go three hours and forty - five minutes is . I know some people have said that he couldn 't have taken the same abuse he dished out in that match . He was ahead in that one right from the start , but he had proven in his match with the Weiner dog that he could come from behind to win . I didn 't see that fight , but I heard " Weenie " had him confused for a good part of that match . " Weenie " was a funny looking dog ; he was " one dog high and two dogs long " . I 've seen a couple of dogs built like that , which could really bite hard and had a lot of driving power to them . " We asked Mr . Hughes who was the hardest biting dog he 's seen since GR CH Zebo , and the hardest biting bitch . " The hardest biting dog I 've seen in the past ten years or so would be CH Homer . As far as I know , no dog ever went a half hour with Homer and lived . He also killed several dogs in rolls before I matched him . The very best and hardest biting bitch I 've ever seen is GR CH Spookie , out of Homer and Susie . I bred Spookie and schooled her out before selling her to Ricky Jones . During that time I got rid of several dogs I don 't think I gave a fair appraisal of , I had rolled them with Spookie and they looked bad . But Spookie was so good she made every dog she went into look bad . The only dog I ever saw look good against her was the bitch Bobby Hall matched into her , Jeanette . She fought even with Spookie for over an hour . Spookie took a terrible head chewing , but was in the other bitch 's chest most of the time . She did stop her though ; she refused to scratch at one hour and forty - two minutes . I 've heard people say she couldn 't scratch , but she could have gone across . " " The very first time I saw Zebo , he bit me " Mr . Hughes began . " Me and William Cable had come to Lonzo 's house to look at his dogs . Lonzo had his dogs tied along a narrow path , and if you got one step the wrong way , they could reach you . I started walking along the path behind Lonzo towards the dogs and stopped and asked him if any of the dogs could get to us . " No , and they wouldn 't bite you no how " he answered , and we kept walking . We went a few steps further and a black dog hit the end of his chain and grabbed me by the arm . I swung my fist and punched him in the jaw , knocking him off , and that was the very first time I laid eyes on Zebo . Willie Brown was there with his wife and daughter , he and Lonzo were rolling out a bunch of dogs . They rolled one of Willie 's bitches on Lena , that was Zebo 's sister and then they rolled Vindicator and Zebo . It was a short roll the way those dogs were hurting each other ; it couldn 't have gone very long without them killing each other . Vindicator was really punishing Zebo 's front legs , but Zebo was hurting Vindicator 's nose , putting holes in his muzzle the size of my little finger and the blood was running all over . Vindicator was Lonzo 's favorite , but I asked Willie privately which dog he liked better , and he said he 'd seen them both rolled before and he liked Zebo the best . I liked the dog real good , but I didn 't buy Zebo that day . " I bought Zebo and took him home . William Cable took him to his vets and had his shoulder reconstructed . The surgery cost seventy - five dollars , which was a lot of money back then . Lonzo let me have Zebo on time ; I paid him so much one month , then so much another month until it was all paid . He still leads people to believe I still owe him for Zebo , but I paid him every penny . Out of the five dogs I bought from Lonzo I got three really good ones , I give him a plus for that . Any time you buy five dogs from a man you 're more than likely to get five curs than three good dogs . Lonesome won two , and another bitch was dead game and died in a kennel fight . Of the two that didn 't work out , one was cold and the other one fought fifteen minutes and then quit . After his shoulder was all healed , I matched Zebo . His first fight was an easy one ; the match was against a friend of mine that I 'd been in the service with at forty pounds . The dog he brought was really about a thirty - five pounder that weighed forty pounds , and Zebo killed it in seventeen minutes . Bob Finley had a two time winner called Pete , and we matched at forty - two pounds . Pete had won his fights at a higher weight , and Zebo came in at forty - one and three quarters , which was too heavy for him . He was a good , strong , hardbiting dog or he 'd have been in trouble . Zebo killed Pete in twenty - six minutes . His next was into my friend from the service again , and that was a pretty good fight , but Zebo won in about thirty minutes and that dog died too . His dog was real game and would have scratched at the end of the fight , if he could have . I don 't believe that man messed with anymore Bulldogs after that , he was into the law pretty heavy , still is if he hasn 't retired . And I don 't mean he 's a deputy sheriff or anything like that , he 's up in the top bracket of the law . Junior Bush called and said he had a match for Zebo in Alabama , against a feller by the name of Eslinger that was into the dogs pretty heavy at that time . We turned em ' loose , and when that feller seen what was happening , I saw he kinda felt like he 'd been set up . He walked over to where I was standing and said " That one can kill a dog , can 't he ? " And I replied ; Yeah , just recently he killed two . And if you don 't pick yours up , he 'll kill him too . And Zebo did , winning the fight in twenty - three minutes . Dave and Roger Adams had saw Zebo the day he fought in Alabama . Dave looked him over , pointed to his back end and asked me why he didn 't have any scars there . I answered ; as far as I know , no dog has ever got to his back end . He called me after the match wanting to buy Zebo and I told him that I didn 't want to sell the dog . He made me an offer , and I made him an offer that I did not believe he would pay for the dog , and that was the end of the conversation . I was eating breakfast the next morning and looked out the window to see Dave Adams ' car pull into the yard , he 'd come for Zebo . He wanted to get Zebo off the chain himself , a few moments later I saw him running away from Zebo 's spot . Zebo had almost bit him and ran him off . I had to load Zebo in their car myself . They hadn 't brought a box or crate with them , and when they left Zebo was riding in the front seat between them , looking out the window . I was wondering if by the time they got to Ohio either of them would have any face left ! " Mr . Hughes shakes his head , laughing and continues ; " They matched him into that Greaser dog , who I believe was a four time winner . And there was a good story behind that , each side trying to set the other side up . I was supposed to drive up to see the match , but my car broke down somewhere in Virginia so I just turned around and went back home . About three in the morning , the phone rang and it was Dave Adams . I thought Zebo had quit and jumped the pit , and he must have been really mad at me to call at that hour . He said ; " You 're never gonna believe what ole Zebo did ! " , and before he could say anything else , I told him ; Well , I like him , so just send him back to me if you don 't want him ! What he 'd called for was to tell me that Zebo had gone three pounds uphill and won in just under two hours . After that was when Dave Adams ' son got hurt , and Zebo did bite that boy . I saw his face and Zebo bit him pretty good and he sold Zebo to a feller named Johnson . I believe Zebo won two more after that ; One against a nephew of his out of Cush , in eighteen minutes . Zebo was about the hardest biting dog I ever saw and liked the chest . Once he 'd get in the chest one wasn 't gonna get him out of there , and if they did , it would be so weak from the punishment it couldn 't do much of anything else anymore . When a dog was going down Zebo would get on the front legs shake so hard it would look like the dog wasn 't even touching the ground . He could adopt any style a dog had ; if a dog fought the mouth it wouldn 't stay there for long , Zebo bit so hard the dog would get out of the mouth pretty fast and try something else . When I got him , Zebo 's teeth were worn down flat , but his cutters were as long and thick as my little finger to the second joint , and I 'm not exaggerating . He 'd kill a dog , and there wouldn 't be a drop of blood . I don 't remember seeing much blood in any of his fights . I don 't believe there would have been much competition in the Greaser match if he hadn 't had so much of a weight advantage over Zebo . They say he survived and was retired to stud , and maybe he was . But I never did hear anyone much more tell of him or any pups off of him . Zebo would bite , he 'd bite you or he 'd bite a stranger . Not every time mind you , there 'd be times he was just as friendly as a puppy . But if you walked up to him and his eyes got real wide and round , the only way to keep from getting bit was to get the hell away from him fast ! When he bit , he didn 't just chomp and turn the hold loose . He 'd work it like he was on a dog , hold and shake . One time some big ol ' boy from South Carolina was here to look at the dogs with some friends . I guess he weighed about two hundred and fifty pounds ; big , all muscle , you know ? We started to look at the Bulldogs , and he went right towards Zebo . Back then we had him chained out there by the old apple tree . I called after him , " Don 't touch that dog , he 'll bite you ! " He answered , " I train dogs for a living , and there aint a dog in the world that I can 't pet . " And I told him ; well , you can 't pet THAT one . He looked at Zebo and said " this little dog is friendly , look at the way his tail 's a waggin ' ! " I said ; he 's just anticipatin ' how good he 's gonna enjoy biting you ! Me and the other fellers walked up the hill towards the other dogs , and we didn 't get but about ten feet before I heard that boy scream . He was holding his arm up and there was Zebo hanging from it , shaking . I had to get a breaking stick to get him off , I don 't believe there was any way that boy , big as he was , could 've got Zebo off and eventually Zebo would have gotten him down . " We all laugh and Mrs . Hughes talks about Zebo . " Zebo was our house dog , that was before we had any children , and he used to ride with us in the car . I 'd put him in the back seat , but he 'd never stay there . He 'd jump into the front seat and sit in my lap , looking out the window and popping his jaws , you know how they do that when their excited or nervous ? He 'd scare me sometimes doing that , his head a few inches from my face and those jaws just popping and quivering . It would get so I couldn 't stand it anymore , and would just throw him back in the back seat . But he 'd just jump right back up between us and climb into my lap again . One day we were on our way somewhere and I was throwing him back , and he was jumping back into my lap , over and over again . Lester got so mad at the two of us fightin ' so , he hit the brakes , turned around and went back home . He let us BOTH out of the car and drove away ! " " I don 't believe you could have reached out with your hand and touched me on the shoulder before Zebo 'd have your finger , " Mr . Hughes goes on , " I was walking him in the parking lot before the fight in Alabama and Junior Bush came up to shake hands with William Cable . When their hands met , Zebo had both of them by the hand , didn 't put much pressure , just grabbed their hands quick . " Mr . Hughes turns to his wife , " What match was it I brought Zebo home and put him up in the room in the barn , and he tore everything up and ate the telephone ? " Mrs . Hughes thinks about it , and answers ; " I don 't remember , but I do remember the time you brought him back from a match with his head swollen up like a melon and his eyes swollen about shut . We had a little black cat at the time , and it was somewhere ion the house when Lester carried Zebo in . We didn 't think Zebo could see at all , but as soon as Lester sat him down , he was off ! " " Him tearin ' after that cat , and me after him , tryin ' to catch him before he caught the cat ! " Mr . Hughes adds . " Another time a bunch of us were driving back from a match with Zebo . Everyone but the driver fell asleep , and we 'd left Zebo loose , figuring he was hurt so bad he 'd just lay there and rest . When we woke up , Zebo had chewed his harness and ate part of it . And chewed my belt right off me while I was asleep and ate part of it . It tickled William Cable to death ; he thought it was really funny till he looked around for his sweater to put on . He had one of those expensive sweaters with the leather patches on the elbows . Zebo had ate every bit of the leather off , and ate the collar off it too . William wasn 't laughing anymore after he found his sweater ! One time I didn 't have much bet on one of Zebo 's fights so I gave Evelyn all the money to bet . I knowed nobody was gonna bet against me , and you know how people are , they see a dumb lookin ' woman trying to bet and they 'll take the bet . " Mrs . Hughes continues , " I 'd never bet on a fight , and didn 't know how . Everyone was calling out bets and I just stood there . Zebo won in less than half an hour and I hadn 't got a single nickel bet ! " We asked Mr . Hughes what Zebo produced while he had him , and why in his opinion , Zebo is not known as a very good producer . " I never bred Zebo to any outside bitches while I had him , but I did breed him to two or three bitches here . I bred him to a bitch of Bruce King 's and we got some good ones . One got poisoned , one hung itself , and two accidentally drowned . I believe they would have been winners . I bred him to Lonesome , and got a bunch of good dogs that I never could get matched . They were all about his size . Gator was one of them , and he was about the closest thing to Zebo that I ever saw as far as mouth went . I rolled him on his brother Blue , who was another good one , but Gator ruined him . He literally tore off part of his muzzle ; teeth , bone and all . Blue never recovered and I finally had to put him to sleep . I didn 't match Gator because he got loose and got on a dog on a chain down by the river . I had a broken leg at the time and couldn 't get there fast enough to break it up before Gator 's teeth were ruined . I believe there was another one in that litter I called Little Zebo , a real good little dog that I sold to someone in the vicinity of Lenoir , North Carolina . But I lost track of that one . I got five males off Zebo that I thought would be really good dogs but never did get a chance to match , and I got a good percentage of cold dogs that wouldn 't hit a lick . Jack Swinson had that Zebo Jr . dog that you see a picture of in the big Stratton book , he was a really rough dog , but from what I understand he didn 't turn out . I have pictures of him somewhere , fighting a Boomerang dog , and you can see the blood just pouring down that dog 's leg from his shoulder where Zebo Jr . was biting him . But I believe Jack Swinson told me the dog quit . They bred Zebo a lot in Ohio , and I guess for the number of bitches he was bred to he didn 't produce all that well . I know that I 've had more Zebo dogs disappoint me than any other line . Though one of the biggest problems I had with them was weak teeth , at least one out of every three Zebo dogs I rolled would lose its teeth . Bill Stepp had some dogs off Zebo , Willie and Ruby that were really good . And Larry Combs told me that if he 'd turned in all the wins he 'd had with Zebo dogs , it would have put Zebo at the top of the Register of Merit list . " The conversation turned to Mountain Man 's CH Homer R . O . M . and we asked how he came to own Homer . " Homer started his life on Wayne Huneycutt 's yard . Wayne repeated a breeding that Tony Marks had made ; Little Rascal to Midnight . I went down there to look at his dogs and he had twenty to thirty puppies on the yard at the time . And Homer was one of them , another was Festus , one was called Snooty and one was Munroe . I bought a couple of them , then sometime later I bought another one , Festus . I traded Festus back to get Snooty . By this time the dogs were grown and I was trying to get Snooty matched into a dog in this area a fellow was bragging up , a Zebo bred dog . I was trying to match at forty - five but they wanted to go forty - three . I had traded Homer back to Wayne Huneycutt at some point , and I traded Snooty back for Homer . The other side changed the weight again on their dog , and I never did get matched into them . I believe I kept Homer this time and rolled him on a Zebo dog , he ruined it in about five minutes , took part of its jaw out . I let Wayne take him back and breed him some , then I rolled him on a dog out Gator bred to a daughter of GR CH Art . That dog looked the best out of any dog I ever saw Homer fight , but he ruined that one too , broke his teeth out . Both of those dogs had been dogs that liked to fight the mouth , and that was their mistake , going mouth to mouth with Homer . His jaws and his teeth were so strong he could tear another dog 's teeth right out . That 's the advantage of a dog with a good strong mouth ; they can ruin another dog 's mouth without getting their own teeth damaged . I used to have all sorts of pieces of bone from dogs jaws , and teeth that Zebo and Homer had tore out of other dogs mouths . I believe I gave them all away to some feller who wanted to make a necklace out of them . Homer was matched seven times , four times by me . His first one wasn 't much of a fight , some boy down in South Carolina had a dog he had worked for a match , and I 'd matched into D . Holcomb at forty - three pounds . It was one of those Yellow John dogs , one of the two brothers that both later made Champion . I believe it was a week before the fight that the feller who was conditioning the dog called and told me Homer was sick and I 'd better pay forfeit . I did , and picked Homer up and brought him home . When I was walking him to put him back on his chain he kicked leaves from here to the river bank and his coat was shining like new money . I decided that if he 'd been sick , he 'd recuperated awful quick . I remembered the boy in South Carolina that was wanting to match his dog and we went ahead and matched Homer into him . He killed the dog in under twenty minutes . His next match was into Johnny Johnson , he said he had a dog he thought would whip Homer , a Zebo / RedBoy cross . Boy , he was one of the smartest dogs I 've ever seen , he had me worried for the first twenty minutes . He got Homer by the ear and he 'd be backin ' up so fast it didn 't look like Homer could run fast enough to keep up with him . Homer would be driving , and him abackin ' up . As soon as his tail would touch the side of the pit , he 'd maneuver in the other direction . After twenty minutes of that , Homer got to catchin ' him more and more and getting in the dogs chest . You could see the dogs eyes dilate every time Homer would get him in a corner and jack him up . One of the Indians there owned the dog , and it was his family pet . I told him " He 's killing your dog . " Johnny laughed and told him " He 's just wantin ' you to pick up because he 's afraid he 's gonna lose this dogfight . " So I said " That 's your choice boy , let ' em go . " I believe it went fifty - eight minutes , their dog fell and couldn 't scratch , and died shortly afterwards . He won one in between that match and his next that he never did get any credit for . I let Ken Murray take him and get him ready to go into a dog that had beat one of his brothers . Ken called a few weeks later and said " We 're going to have to pay forfeit ; Homer went through a glass window after a chicken and got his head all cut up . " I was kind of suspicious that he didn 't go through no glass door especially when he offered to pay the forfeit for me . About a year later , one of his friends had a falling out with him and called me up . He told me that one of Ken 's friends had a dog over there that they were getting ready for a match and he thought the dog could beat Homer . Ken put him down with the dog for eight - hundred dollars and he killed the dog in eighteen or twenty minutes . His next match , the feller that made the matches name was Hensley I believe , but it was Larry Jarrett and Irish Jerry that came with a dog they called Bar Room . He was a good dog , he was never ahead of Homer but he fought from just a little behind for over an hour . I told them if they picked up their dog , I 'd but him from them and they said they 'd do that ; they 'd pick him up in another five minutes . They waited too long , the dog tried to scratch and fell . I picked Bar Room up myself and tried to see if he would try to scratch , he started forward and fell again . I tried to save the dog but he died anyway . Next I was supposed to match into Eddie Frederick ; he had a dog named Poison that had won one . He called me and said , " I believe I got one that can beat Homer . " I told him there was only one way to find out and we set a date . About two weeks later he called me and told me that everybody he 'd talked to said that Homer would kill his dog quick . He said there was some boys up north that wanted to match two dogs , and I could match Homer on one and he 'd match Poison on the other one , if that was alright with me . I said it didn 't make any difference to me , a dog was a dog . It was the Wreckers , and they showed up with a dog out of Woods ' Snooty and a Bullyson bitch . Man , he was a biter ! He was biting hard but they hadn 't been fighting ten minutes before I could see Homer was hurting the dog pretty bad . He was working the legs and chest and driving pretty good . The other dog got to screaming , he was really singing but still fighting . Odds in that fight were five - hundred to two - hundred and we still couldn 't get any bets . Eddie Pickard was standing beside me and he said , " Boy , it looks like that dog is biting . " I answered " I SEE he 's biting . " He 's the dog that wrecked Homer 's face so badly , you could see the dog 's back bowing when he bit , he was biting so hard . Homer didn 't act like he was hurting him at all , and Homer finally got him turned upside down . He quit in twenty - eight minutes . He 'd been three quarters of a pound heavier than Homer , I didn 't take the forfeit because they said they wasn 't gonna fight if they had to pay the forfeit . " " One of Homer 's matches was just before Cole was born , " Mrs . Hughes says . " All the smoke in the room was making me sick so I couldn 't stay in there . Homer was getting so deep in the chest of the dog he was on , you couldn 't even see his face . He 'd jack that dog up in the corner and just keep digging deeper in the chest till you couldn 't see much of his head but his ears ; I don 't know how he managed to breathe . His face had only just healed from that fight with the Wreckers ' dog and he got his nose chewed half off again that night . " " I never saw Homer bit past the shoulders , " Mr . Hughes goes on . " There was one big scar on one of his shoulders ; I believe Bar Room did that . I sold Homer to Ricky Jones , for what seemed to me to be an unreasonable amount of money . He matched him into a dog that had beat him at forty - seven pounds . If I 'd known he was going to match him that high , into that much bigger of a dog , I 'd have never sold him Homer . It took him two hours and two minutes to kill that one . There was always a rumor that Homer was a rank cur that would quit if he got into trouble , in that last match he got to prove just how game he was ; as he was behind for over an hour . It would be hard to say what was the best dog he produced , there were a lot of good ones . I 'd have to say GR Ch Spookie . Spookie was from the first breeding of CH Homer to Susie , CH L ' il Bill and Spider Bitem were from the second time that breeding was made . It was repeated a third time , but we never did get no pups that last time . I did both of those breedings , the first time I 'd sent Susie to Wayne Huneycutt . He was to take her and breed her to Little Rascal , as we 'd really liked what we 'd seen of Homer and his brothers so far . Last time out I 'd bred her to Buster , but it didn 't take . As it turned out , James Crenshaw had already sold Little Rascal to W . D . Watson and Lavada Peeler , and nobody knew where to find them at the time . So when Wayne called me I told him to go ahead and breed her to Homer . Tony Marks got one of them , and I got Spookie and another female . I don 't remember what I called her , but she was a real good one and I always thought she could beat Spookie . Tony didn 't like the one he had , and told me to come and get her . But he decided to take one more look at her first , and after that he wouldn 't let her go at any price ; She got killed in a yard accident and a tree fell on the one I thought would beat Spookie and killed her . There was a big male in that litter that I called Bull , he would 've matched about the same weight as Homer but he got off his chain and got on a dog called Reno , out of Homer and Goldie . Another dog out of Sparky got loose , and the three of them fought until they all died . Both Evelyn and I were both away working , and I came home and it was a mess . All three of them laying there not quite dead , but dying . I bred Homer to a bitch Patricia Roberts had , and there were three or four females and one male in that litter . Every one of the females eventually curred , but the male was an Ace . You don 't see many of that caliber . I called him Holmes ; he 's called Little Homer now . I got the little Gee Whiz bitch from Dr . Lutz and bred her to Homer . In that litter were Homer Jr . , Buford and a bitch called Miss Homer . I sold Homer Jr . , whose registered name is Lutz 's Little Homer , and Miss Homer to Larry Miller . I kept Buford , but he had a bad stifle and I gave him to Ken Triplett on the condition that he have his stifle joint fixed , which he did . The surgery cost him one - hundred and seventy - five dollars . The stifle never was a hundred percent ; I 'd say it was about ninety percent . Buford had enough put on him to make any dog quit , but never did . When he and Homer were both on Bruce Mathes ' yard , Buford got off his chain and jumped on his daddy . Homer killed him , and of course that 's the only way that fight could have ended , as Buford was only a thirty - six pound dog , six pounds smaller than his father . Miss Homer had shown to be a really good bitch before I sold her , and Larry Miller went ahead and matched her into Fat Bill 's Bolero bitch . Bolero beat her in fifty - six minutes . Bolero killed a sister to the bitch that beat Gee Whiz , and the one she beat was supposed to have been the better of the two sisters . Mona , the one that went into Gee Whiz , fought from the bottom for the first part of the fight . With Gee Whiz doing pretty much whatever she wanted with her . Mona stayed on her head and nose for the whole fight , and literally tore part of her face right off . That 's the worst I 've ever seen a dog mutilated and live , everyone who saw Gee Whiz after the fight said there 's no way she would survive . Mona 's sister , Lady , was supposed to be an even better dog , but Bolero completely dominated and destroyed her in nine minutes . I traded Gee Whiz to Bruce and she got killed in a yard accident too . I had repeated the breeding to Homer before I traded her and one of those pups I sent to Ricky Jones . He called him Little Buck and said he was one of the best dogs he 'd ever seen . He won two or three ; he beat the CH Toad dog and died after the fight . Someone else had a male off that litter that hung himself on his chain , and Bruce shot the one he had ; it never did start . Dr . Lutz got a couple of them , but I never did keep track of what happened to them . I did the breeding that produced GR CH Shady Lady ; she was one of the two pups I sent to Ricky Jones . I kept her brother Elwood , but later traded him for a pup off of Homer and Amanda because his jaw was crooked . The pup I traded him for died of parvo a couple of weeks later , and the next time I saw Elwood was when he was grown and ready to roll . His mouth was perfect , it had straightened out as he grew I guess . He 's a good , game dog that has been tested hard , though he doesn 't have anywhere near the ability his sister Shady Lady has . I never saw her go , but from what I hear , she 's one of the best . Not all of that litter turned out , about half of them were stone cold ; wouldn 't fight and won 't fight , not even to defend themselves . It just goes to show , you can never tell which pups are going to be the good ones . I wish there was a way ; I would have kept Shady Lady . If all the pups in a litter look strong and healthy , I just reach out and pick any one and hope for the best . " Ch . Homer ROM , is a well known dog from a well known dog man , Mountain Man . Ch . Homer ROM won a total of 9 , although some say 10 . Not all were recorded . He never had to show much gameness as he bit through all of his opponents . When asked who was the hardest biting dogs he 's ever seen , Mtn . Man replied Zebo was the hardest and Homer bit just as hard . It is evident by Homer 's face that he took a lot of head chewing to get him off , which is a sign of a hard biter . Homer was by J . Crenshaw 's CH . Rascal , Jr . , a . k . a . Little Rascal or Tojo and out of Mr . Marks ' Midnight , a . k . a . Hughes or Mountain Man 's Midnight . Ch . Rascal , Jr . was by J . Crenshaw 's Ch Rascal 5x , same breeding as Carver 's Stompanato , and out of Irish Jerry 's Ch Honeybunch ROM , all bred by Maurice Carver . Midnight was by John Shivar 's Buster , later known as Loposay 's Buster ROM , also bred by Maurice Carver , same breeding as Holt 's Jeremiah and Carver 's Belle , and out of Loposay 's Queen , a Boudreaux / Lightner cross by Grady Cummings ' Eli III and John Shivar 's Beanie , a . k . a . Loposay 's Beanie . Mtn . Man has bred or owned many famous dogs including Hughes ' Gator , Mtn . Man 's Deadwood , Elwood , Festus , Ch . Homer , Jr . , Lugar , Midnight , Gr . Ch . Shady Lady , Spider Bitem , Gr . Ch . Spooky , Gr . Ch . Zebo ROM , etc |
Dear Diary : ( happy , Leon ? ) So Tuesday at lunch I made myself a lovely tomato and bacon sandwich . After several bites , I experienced a slight discomfort in one of my back teeth . It was a tooth with a crown . In the past , I 've been very careful to floss that tooth , because stuff can get caught under the edges . Bacon and tomato skin are just such culprits , so I put " floss " on my to do list and finished my lunch chewing on the other side . The thing is , I don 't have floss at my desk , so I was most likely going to have to wait until I went home . As the afternoon went on however , that tooth hurt a lot more . And I had Toastmasters that evening , so " go home " was going to be awfully late . At 3 : 30 in the afternoon , it hurt a lot , so I called my dentist for an emergency visit . My dentist doesn 't work on Tuesday - - they could see me on Wednesday at 1 : 00 . Oye . I took two tylenols and got used to the discomfort . [ On Tuesday night we had the Tall Tale Speech contest - - I won , Yea ! I changed " smiled , flashed a peace sign and got into the car " to " Before he left , Bob Dylan looked back and said " I smiled because I 'm happy " and then he was gone " . I think it was improved by Uncle Marcel 's input - - oh and I titled it " No Kangaroo " which I thought was a pretty funny inside joke , but I digress . ] All Tuesday night I was in a lot of pain , but I had a dentist appointment in the afternoon and I had to go to court on Wednesday morning , so I toughed it out . Court was a joke and the less said ( or remembered ) the better . So I got to the dentist and they were all " How are you ? " I misinterpreted and told them I was horrible - - my tooth hurts . A few seconds later , Sandy asked exactly the same question again to give me an opportunity to say the politically correct response of " fine , how are you ? " Oye . Howard ( a friend from Kiwanis is my dentist ) poked and tapped and then brought out ice for the " cold " test . I looked at the ice and I said , " What 's the test - - see how high I can jump if it hurts ? ? " Howard laughed ( the way dentists do ) . " Well , " he says , " I have to see the extent of the symptoms to make a diagnosis . " The rat . Anyway , he said some big long word that I must have and he gave me a referal to a dentist who does root canals . Now I have had a root canal before and it was not as bad as it sounded . It is kind of like , a bunch of people pan a movie and then you have zero expectations and it turns out to be not half bad ( The Hangover ) . So I wasn 't immediately concerned about the prospect of a root canal . But the other thing was , my tooth hurt a lot now that Howard had banged on it with heavy metal objects . Howard gave me a prescription for vicadine ( that sounded scary ) and sent me right over for an emergency consult with the specialist dentist . The specialist dentist is an older gentleman . He too said he wanted to do the " cold " test . Since the ice Howard tried out on my teeth didn 't hurt , I though , go for it . So the teeth around the bad tooth ( under a crown ) hurt a lot from Dr . Specialist 's cold test , but the bad tooth , not at all . Proof said Dr . Specialist that the nerve in bad tooth is dead and decaying and probably infected ( nothing to do with the crown ? , my suspicious brain thought ) . He prescribed anitbiotics and motrine ( a much less scary sounding pain medication ) . He said I needed a root canal - - he could fit me in tomorrow at 1 : 30 . I fought for my bacon or tomato skin caught under the crown theory , but since flossing had not resulted in alieviation of pain , I was temporarily willing to leave the diagnosis to the guys with the degrees . The nurse charged me $ 175 for the emergency visit and told me that the root canal would be $ 1 , 050 . I gave her my credit card and then thought ( and stupidly said out loud ) , I 'll just bring a check tomorrow for the thousand , fifty ( I could see dollar signs in the nurse 's eyes - - very spooky ) . That is the price for the white coating for my roof . Two different contractors told me not to waste my money on the white coating which is supposed to save energy - - except I don 't have air conditioning and I already have insulation , so I can probably live without it . Excrutiating tooth pain - - just a tiny bit more important at this precise moment . Now here 's the thing : when you are not in pain , spending over a thousand dollars to get a root canal seems counter intuitive . I was gabbing with someone in the office and she said , that her husband had the same thing and he was fine just taking the antibiotics - - he never did have to go in for the root canal . Hmmmm . I called Howard . Do I really need a root canal ? Howard talked to me for about fifteen minutes and promised to call Dr . Specialist to discuss it . After a while , Howard called me back and said - - you could wait , but eventually , you will need a root canal . So I called Dr . Specialist 's office to delay my appointment . Basically I was told that they could see me today ( and yes , I really , really , really - - in their not so humble opinion - - need a root canal ) or they could see me in October . Just because the motrine was working , doesn 't mean I couldn 't remember the tooth ache . I went in for the root canal and I wrote the check . Dr . Specialist knocked the tooth first thing , throwing me into agonizing pain . I think he felt bad making me cry like that , so he gave me two shots of novacaine . He wanted to make sure I wouldn 't feel anything . HA . Then he positioned me so that my head was lower than my body - - I was tilted almost upside down . My numb tongue was against the back of my throat so that I felt like I was gagging . I kept struggling to get up and he kept adjusting me back down . He told me to breath through my nose . That was the most excrutiating hour of my life . Finally I threw up - - everywhere . The nurse was completely unprepared and she couldn 't get the paper towel off the dispenser . Meanwhile , I just kept throwing up . Dr . Specialist told me to think about something pleasant - - that it would only be another five minutes . I couldn 't think of anything pleasant so I counted to 60 five times . He lied . Finally , he was done and I got hussled out really quickly to pay . Oh , and I need to go back for another check up with Dr . Specialist ( $ 175 ) and then I have to go to my regular dentist and get a new crown ( $ 700 plus who knows how much for the two to three visits that will take - - oh well , I like Howard , so that 's a plus - - Dr . Specialist - - not my favorite person ) . So Dr . Specialist told me to take the pain medication in about an hour and then every six hours ( even though the bottle said every eight hours ) - - " No , you are going to need more today . " Ominous words . I was still a little tramatized and I thought - - this is what sick days are for and I went home . Half my face , tongue and mouth were still numb . In an hour , I went to take the pain medication and didn 't need it . I was still numb . It was kind of difficult to drink or eat , but I just got on the phone to order my cable for the new place ( one hour on hold and over thirty minutes to set it up - - that was fun ) . Productive use of my time . At five , I figured I better eat dinner , because I had skipped lunch , but my mouth was still numb . Completely . More than one half of my tongue was numb including the tip - - that was weird . I figured that I would just eat on one side . I had done it the past few days , so I was sure it would be fine . It was surprisingly difficult , but by 6 : 30 , I had managed to eat my meal . Except that I was still numb . Six hours is too long I thought . So I went on the internet . When you google novacaine and numb face , you get menogitis - - that was fun reading . So I called the dentist and pressed the number for emergency and sat back to wait for a call from the doctor to report that he gave me menogitis ( bacteria that can travel through an injection into the blood stream and attack the nervous system sometimes resulting in numbness in the face - - at least that 's what I read ) . The dentist never called back . [ My iphone has call waiting , so I also placed a call into the cable company since the e - mail of my order did not match what I was told , but after waiting an hour on hold I figured that since I had menogitis and was going to die , the extra $ 11 per month that I didn 't agree to was probably no big deal and I hung up . ] At 10 p . m . my face started to itch - - that was annoying and lasted about an hour . By 11 , I was not numb anymore . At 7 : 45 a . m . the next morning , Dr . Specialist 's office returned my call . What was my emergency ? I dully said , I 'm fine - - it just took 10 hours for the novacaine to wear off . That 's normal , the girl says . I was going to argue with her , since Dr . Specialist had gone to a lot of trouble to tell me to double up on the pain medication ( not needed while I was numb for 10 hours ) , but I couldn 't work up the enthusiasm . I 'm fine . No , I did not paint . The last time I tried to paint , it took me months and I have to get the rooms rented really soon , so I do not have months . But I was tempted to paint myself when I was quoted $ 2 , 200 to paint the rooms . How silly was I ? When I finally wrapped my mind around that price , I called the painter ( now several weeks later ) and the price was more than double , but he was going to add the ceilings ( that were awful ) and the floors ( that I was going to carpet anyway ) and it would all be done in a matter of days , so that I could get the rental listing up sooner with pictures . The painter is quite a guy - - he 's a talker - - he wants me to know that he loses money on every job . He works seven days a week , fourteen hours a day for the past 30 years that he 's been in this country . He spoke Armenian and Spanish ( and English ) and had workers that only spoke Armenian or only spoke Spanish . Adrienne got to hear some of them fighting and said it was pretty heated until Joe came and spoke with both groups in their language . They worked mostly evenings and weekends , which made me realize that Joe probably does work every day - - he was always tired when I saw him , but he was very meticulous about details that he saw . I noticed a lot of little details after he left , but I figure he was too tired to notice them when he was there . One thing that he did ( that I didn 't ask for , but it is so pretty ) was that he put a really nice molding all around the rooms that I am renting out . The floors are that laminate ( but the heavy wood kind - - not the flimsey tile kind ) . The floors are gorgeous . It really is too bad that the house should be torn down ( according to every general contractor I bring in ) . I noticed that one of the covers for a light switch was missing and I pointed it out to one of the workers . I had replaced all the covers brand new when I painted a few years back , so I didn 't want to lose any of them . They guy ( in broken English ) said they were all new . I looked and sure enough all the little screws were white from the store . I remember the ones that I bought had silver screws ( because I was mad at the time that they were not white too ) . I have no idea what he did with the old ( sort of new ) covers . Another time , I pointed out an electrical outlet that the painters had just painted over . I said that they had to fix that . They guy looked at me a bit blankly - - I think it was a language barrier , but later when I looked , there was a brand new cover and the plug area was clean and bright - - no paint . I know I saw paint all over it , so I 'm not sure how they were able to get it looking so new . However , for what I paid , they could rewire the whole house , but I digress . The painter is in love with two colors : Pearl White and Swiss Coffee . I can 't really tell - - it all looks pretty white to me . The night before they were going to do the kitchen , I began to be worried - - did I really want white again . I tried to find a nice pale yellow that would look nicer , but I wasn 't sure . Then I started to worry that if I changed the color , they 'd go away and say that they were waiting for the " special " order to come in . Kiss of death if you are in a hurry - - " special " order . So I have white walls . It is clean and if I were a renter , I would want to rent it . Score . The place smells like paint and it is pretty serile looking ( all that white ) , but I 'm sure that we 'll get used to it and settle back into the space . Now if I can just find a renter . Fingers crossed . So it 's a very long story how I came to be in this position , but I have two houses . One is far too big and costs way too much money ( but no one wants to buy it ) . The other is fine for just me , but its not free and it is far away from work . The solution is to move into the small house ( mobile home ) - - and commute by train and rent out my rooms in the large house ( while retaining one bedroom for me or Adam if he ever moves back , one bedroom for my sister and a third bedroom - - the smallest for a guest room , I mean the junk room - - let 's be honest ) . So I must move . Someone was complimenting me recently , telling me how they admire how organized I am - - they like that I make lists and have so many different things under control . At the time they made this observation , I was in the middle of packing my rooms for my big move . I did not feel organized . Oh , I was making lists - - I have about 20 lists ranging from what furniture goes in what room , to what repairs need to be done where , to budgets , to more budgets , to contingent budgets , etc . My lists do not feel very productive , since the budgets never balance and I 'm always forgetting something really important , but I digress . So I was feeling really unorganized and not able to motivate myself into organization , when I hit the wall . I have to get the rooms at my house rented by September 1st , but I can 't rent them until I get them painted and fixed and pictures up on the internet to advertise . And I couldn 't do all of that until I got all my stuff out . So I hired the mover and figured , it will all have to get done . The mover ( my handiman and his son ) couldn 't come on the weekend , so they came on a Friday ( one less day to pack - - no worries - - it has to get done , it will get done . ) So Thursday night , I still had not packed much from my room . I started just putting together boxes and shoving stuff in . Box after box . When you don 't care about organization , it is not that difficult to fill a box and somethings were ackward sizes , so some boxes had less stuff than others . I had plenty of boxes . On Friday morning , I still hadn 't touched the closets and one side of the room , but the large furniture was empty , so I figured the movers would have plenty to get started while I finished packing ( I mean throwing things in boxes ) . I had to go to the office for a minute ( read the hour it turned into ) and when I got back , the movers had taken the unpacked side of my room and thrown it in the truck . They put stuff in bags and big stacks of books just traveled unpacked . Hey it got done . They left the closet ( I think I scared them by yelling when they were moving something without wrapping it and I told them to leave the closet ) . So except for the closet , my rooms were empty ( sort of - - there was still lots of stuff , but I kept saying - - no , don 't move that , I 'll take that in the car - - a lot of stuff was left to go by car - - four car trips later , I 'm almost done ) . Now the night before the movers came , I had gone to IKEA . I found a beautiful kitchen island that I want for the new place . I could not lift the box . At all . No Adam . What to do . So when the movers ( my handiman and his son , Ozzy ) had the truck all packed and it was time to drive to the new place , I asked Ozzy to come in my car so we could stop at IKEA . Ozzy is a big straping youth , probably stronger than Adam , but he could barely handle the Kitchen Island . Those were some very heavy boxes . ( Now I have to figure out how to assemble something I can 't lift - - I 'll worry about that tomorrow - - its on the list ) . When we got to the new place , the plumber was still there and had everything ripped up because the plumbing needed to be replaced . The cleaning lady left a few days before , in the middle of getting the place ready for me because the plumber was just getting everything dirty . The dryer was in the middle of the kitchen and the fridge had been unplugged ( melted ice - - lions , and tigers and bears , oh my ) . So to say that the new place was a mess before I got there is a fair statement . ( It was two weeks before the dryer went back to its place and the cleaning lady finished the floors ) . I had made a list to tell the movers what room to put the furniture in and I had this really cute packing tape that had the name of the room it went to on it ( of course , I only used bedroom , since I was moving my bedroom and sitting room only , but I digress ) . The movers still asked me for every bag , box and piece of furniture , what room ? Dad was hanging around and I was so tired that I just said second bedroom for everything and Dad said - - do you want me to make a sign that says " second bedroom " ? Meanwhile when I wasn 't looking almost all of the boxes and bags of books went into the living room . Even the boxes that said bedroom . Oh well . Years ago , I helped ( I use that word very loosely , because I had hardly nothing to do ) Erika move . The boxes were all perfectly organized and we were finished unpacking in the afternoon of her moving day . Completely finished . The only left to do was to recycle the boxes and we brought them to the recycle place right before they closed at 4 p . m . . That move was a thing of beauty . When Adrienne and I moved to the condo , we were pretty darn organized . We had the excess boxes out of the garage in a matter of days . When we moved to the house we are in now , I don 't think that we even put any boxes in the garage . Nothing close to an Erika move , but we were fairly organized . I 'm getting old . This move , not organized . Actually really , really bad . If Erika is the gold standard A + + and my previous moves with Adrienne are good solid B 's and C 's , this one gets a failing F right down the road . Last night was the first night I spent at the new place . I have no cable , no tv , so I was going to set up music . The cords were in cute little white boxes . I remember seeing those cute little white boxes in the sitting room and I remember putting them in a bag , because they would fit . I looked through a lot of bags - - no cute little white boxes . Then I thought , maybe I put them in a box with miscellaneous stuff . I looked through every box - - no cute little white boxes . Man , I have a lot of boxes of junk . I turned on my iphone ipod without the headset . I could hear the music just fine . But now I was too tired to do any unpacking . The move was more than two weeks ago - - I 've unpacked three bags and some clothes that I needed to wear . It is a good thing that I don 't have a tv anymore , because I 'm afraid that I 'll see myself on the show Hoarders - - making a path from the kitchen to my chair and another to the front door . Lions and tigers and bears . posted by KathrynVH @ 7 : 16 PM 3 comments We are having a tall tale contest at toastmasters . I got up in the middle of the night and turned on the microphone in my iphone and taped a tall tale . The cool part is that the app actually times the speech , the bad part is that the speech is supposed to be 3 to 5 minutes and of course it was 10 minutes . I 'll have to time this written version - - I left out some parts , like how Bob Dylans car broke down and the million questions that Adam had for him that raced through his mind , while he listened to Poncho disparage the Chilaen government . Oh well , Enjoy : So my nephew , Adam moved to Australia last January . About a month after he moved there , he found out about a Bob Dylan concert at a festival that was out in the middle of nowhere , but he could take the train there . He couldn 't pass up a chance to see Bob Dylan , so he went by himself on the train and walked the mile or so to the festival grounds . It was a hot day ( our winter is their summer ) and Adam had on shorts and tee shirt . He had a great time at the festival , but he wanted to be in front for the main event - - the Bob Dylan concert , so he camped out at the stage that Dylan would be playing at . Near the time for the beginning of the concert it started to rain - - hard . It poured , but they put up very large tents near the stage and Adam was near the front , under the tents . The concert was fantastic , but the thing about it was that Bob Dylan smiled the whole time . Now if you know anything about Bob Dylan you know that this is rather unusual - - Bob Dylan is known for mumbling . He always looks kind of morose , kind of sad , kind of out of it . So for him to smile and look like he was really enjoying himself was so excellant . Adam loved it . After the concert , Adam stayed til the very end and by the time he walked back to the train station , he had missed the last train . He looked around for an all night diner or even a hotel , but there was nothing . It was pretty desolate . There was an awning at the dinky train station , so Adam sat down to wait for the first train the next day at 6 : 00 a . m . By now , it was almost 2 a . m . and pretty cold . Adam had an extra tee shirt , so he drapped it over his knees to try to get warm . Adam wasn 't there long , when a car drove up . The guy rolled down his window and asked Adam " Are you ok ? " Adam said , " I 'm fine , I 'm just waiting for the next train at 6 : 00 a . m . " The guy said " You don 't look fine - - it is cold and raining , I think you better come with me to my house to wait . " Adam said , " No , I 'm fine - - I 'll be just fine here . " The guy got out of his car and said , " My name is Poncho . I really think that you better come with me . I picked up this other guy who was stranded on the road . I have an alarm clock - - you can sleep on my couch and I 'll get you guys up in time and bring you back to the train station . " Now Poncho was not even five feet tall and a little older . Adam is almost six feet tall , so Adam was more than a head taller than Poncho . Well Adam is a little leary about getting into the car with this guy , but he figures he can take him if he has to and he is cold , so he gets in the back seat that Poncho is holding open . When Adam gets in the car , he sees the other guy that Poncho picked up sitting in the front seat . The guy seems kind of small and older and he 's kind of hiding his head , but Adam sees that it is Bob Dylan . " Bob Dylan ! " Adam says really surprised . Poncho is getting back into the car and he says " Oh , good you guys know each other . " Adam realizes two things right away : Poncho doesn 't know who Bob Dylan is and Bob Dylan doesn 't seem to want to be recognized . Well Adam doesn 't want to bother Bob Dylan and he 's pretty happy to be in a warm car , so he keeps him mouth shut . Poncho on the other hand , clearly loves having an audience and starts to tell them all about himself . He 's from Chile - - he 's been in Australia for many years because the government of Chile is corrupt and a bunch of crooks . He goes on and on and looks to Adam and Bob Dylan to agree with him . They get to Poncho 's house , which is a small step up from a one room shack - - there 's two rooms . Poncho asks them if they would like something to eat and Bob Dylan asks for a phone . Poncho says , " no , I only have one for emergencies and it 's not hooked up . " Poncho is still talking and talking about how much he hates the government of Chile , and he starts to make tomatoe soup . Adam figures that he 's pretty hungry , so he 's happy to say yes to the offered tomatoe soup and they all sit down . Adam is sitting there trying to work up his courage to talk to Bob Dylan . Finally Adam says " Mr . Dylan , I don 't want to bother you , but I 'm really curious , why were you smiling through your whole concert tonight ? " At that Poncho suddenly says " Bob Dylan , the Bob Dylan , you are Bob Dylan - - oh my goodness , I had no idea - - you are the famous Bob Dylan ? " Bob Dylan kind of mumbled , " Yes . " " Why didn 't you say so , " says Poncho . " You want a phone - - I 'll get my emergency phone . " With that Poncho goes to a closet and on the top shelf he pulls down a very old rotary phone . He takes it out on the front porch and from the corner , he pulls down a cord and plugs in the phone . Bob Dylan makes a call and minutes later a big black car pulls up in front and Bob Dylan leaves . As he leaves , Poncho and Adam are standing on the porch and Bob Dylan looks back , smiles at them and makes a peace sign and then he 's gone . Poncho and Adam look at each other and say " wow " . Then Poncho says , " Well , I 'm really tired . I 'll set the alarm clock and take you to the train at 5 : 30 , ok ? " " Thanks man , " says Adam , and Poncho goes in to bed . Adam stands on the porch looking out at the vast night , in the middle of nowhere and says to himself " I 'm in Australia . I just ate tomatoe soup with Ponposted by KathrynVH @ 1 : 46 PM 2 comments So the bank wised up and said they wouldn 't lend me more money unless I proved that the work was going to be done in the next three months . I have to turn in signed contracts to have the roof and the heater issue resolved . That makes sense . I agree that is a reasonable and intelligent request . Except that I 'm not signing the contract for the estimate that I have for the heating and cooling - - it is way too high . What to do ? So I called another contractor ( number six if anyone is counting ) to review the issue . The very experienced guy walks into the house and says , why are you considering ductless heat and air - - why not simply put in central heat and air . I 'd love to , I say , except that I 've been told that I can 't . Oh , yes you can , he says with complete authority . [ Been here before - - all six before him have told me the same thing coming in the front door and all six have eventually determined - - can 't be done . But I 'm humoring him - - he 's the expert , not me . ] Jack walks around the front room looking at all the walls , then we go through the kitchen and he sees the back part of the house going on and on and on , until we are at the back . He 's getting pretty quiet . Next we go outside and he starts frowning big time . You are too close to your neighbor on this side , he says . A little while later ( on the other side ) he says , you share a driveway with your neighbor - - that 's not good . We walk around on the inside some more and I show him the three places I 've been told a ductless unit can be put . He points out why it will not work in one of the spots . Next we go back to the front room - - the main event - - the bank wants a heater in the front room at a minimum . Jack starts to postulate maybe we can put the unit on one side of the room ( to get the most heating and cooling for the largest area ) and then run the pipes through the crawl space above the house . He 's shaking his head and pretty soon he says , you are between a rock and a hard place here . He 's going to give me an estimate to put the bare minimum heater in the front room . He did say that I 'm going to make him think all day to try to come up with a solution , but he doesn 't think that there is one . Another one bites the dust . |
In the meantime , I thought I would post my favorite picture I ever took in Samoa just to hold you over . It 's part of the Satupaitea peninsula . The picture was taken near Papa . My first visit back to Uesiliana since I left October , 2007 . Driving up the road to the school I was nervous . Since it 's been over 4 years since I left , the only class at the school that remembers me is the current Year 13 . They were Year 9 my last year there . As dad and I were walking through the halls , I could tell who the Year 13 students were versus the other students . The Year 13 yelled out , " Hello Julya ! " as we walked by and the rest of the students yelled out , " Hello palagi ! " The principal , Paseto , ( who was vice principal when I taught there ) was out of town for the day . The other teachers were surprised and happy to see me . We chatted a bit and then dad and I toured the school . A former student is teaching computers . The head of the computer department is a JICA . I chatted with him awhile about the computer lab . He said that when he started all of the computers didn 't work . I wasn 't surprised even though I left them all working . The air conditioner in the room was broken , which wasn 't helpful . Dad and I loved seeing the shelf with all of the computer parts , since he helped me carry that shelf up from my house to the lab . It was fun . The JICA lives in my old house . He told me that my dog , Dog , went to live in Japan with the former JICA that taught at Uesiliana . Yay , Dog is still alive . The house next to mine is now the staff room for the Technical School . We didn 't stay long . They wanted us to come back again before we left Savai ' i so they could throw us a proper welcoming lunch . So we agreed to come back on Tuesday . After we left the school we headed to Lusias Lagoon . It was a hangout we loved as volunteers . It is close to the boat wharf and seemed hidden in a little lagoon away from everything . When I was there it was owned by two Philippino brothers . Now it is locally owned . The most exciting part about staying the night there , was that dad and I met up with Clair and her friend Adrian . For the first year that I was a volunteer Clair was a Volunteer from Australia a couple of villages away . She used to bike over with another volunteer and we had girls nights together . While dad and I were back for this trip , she was also taking a vacation at the same time in Samoa . . . we met each other half way . It was SO fun to see her again and catch up . It was like no time had passed . This trip was Adrian 's first visit to Samoa , but he seemed to be rolling with everything fine . Dad liked this part of the trip because he got to sleep in an air conditioned room , and I slept in a little hut over the water . My " fale " over the water above . While we were visiting at Lusias , we swam in the " pool " , which was a fresh well spring sectioned off with concrete . There was a turtle swimming in the pool with us , and fish that liked to nibble at Clair 's feet . We ate Vi that Laupama 's family had given us for our trip , and we drank cocktails on the dock . One of my old students was working at Lusia 's . She was learning about tourism , and was training to take over the tourist department and outreach part for the hotel . When we arrived at the hotel , I was speaking in Samoa to the gentleman at the front desk and a couple of staff came out to chat . They asked how I knew Samoan and I said Peace Corps and that I had taught at Uesiliana . One of the staff ran into the back to get her because they knew she went to that school . She instantly recognized me . It was so fun running into students around the islands . After breakfast Dad and I continued our drive around the island to Saleaula to visit one of the old teachers , Aufata , when I was at the school . He used to be the principal of the Technical school and the wood - shop teacher . When dad visited me , the two of them hit it off . They are close in age and had a lot in common . I used to love playing with Aufata 's kids so I was eager to see how big they had gotten and if his daughter was still the tomboy I remembered her being . On the way to Aufata 's village was a village a volunteer was living in . Dad still reads all of the blogs of the current volunteers in Samoa , and he had been particularly interested in visiting this volunteer . She is retired , in her 60s , and joined the Peace Corps . Her experiences as a retired volunteer are similar to what my dad would experience I think if he was to ever join . So , we visited her and chatted with her for a few hours . In true Peace Corps spirit , she asked me if I could mail a large fine mat home to a volunteer who had left the PC recently and hadn 't had the chance to bring her mat with her . We would have to bring it home with us and then mail it from home . It was such an awkwardly large mat , and in my opinion not the best looking fine mat , but I would have wanted someone to do it for me , so we agreed and from then on carried that thing in the car with us . Aufata 's village is in the lava fields . The area is completely covered over by lava fields and it is a very hot and dry part of the island . Most villages have water access fairly easily , but this village uses a well that is drilled down 60 feet or so through the lava into a spring . The water is fresh and ok to drink , but the well is turned off every night . It was so fun visiting Aufata and his family . I wish we could have stayed with them longer . When we first got there Fua ( the daughter ) was so excited to see me . We went walking together through the village . She showed me all of her favorite spots . She taught me some new Samoan words , introduced me to some of her friends , and we ended up playing a game of volleyball with the neighborhood kids . She is such a tomboy . Often her mom would yell at her for not doing her chores . Instead she was always out running around the yard kicking some ball around or exploring some area . I love that girl . She has a spirit similar to mine . I suspect that if I had grown up in Samoa I would have been yelled at a lot too for similar things . We went to church with Aufata and his family in the morning . Aufata is the pastor of the Methodist church in the village . So , he preached and dad and I sat in the pews . It was crazy hot in the morning . We sat with Fua and her brother . It was fun being back in church in Samoa . I remember when I used to attend really missing my church back in the states . When I finished Peace Corps and was back in the states , I really missed church in Samoa . The singing in churches in Samoa is beautiful . I missed that so much . Everyone sings loudly and sings wonderfully . They are not ashamed to sing loud . The kids there haven 't quite got the harmony down yet , but they always sing the loudest . I missed that so much back in the state . I feel like people sing in muted voices stateside . It was White Sunday so the kids put on a lot of skits and songs . Dad and I were each given palm branches to carry into church with us . Fua took ours with her when she went to the front to perform her songs . It was so fun watching the kids sing together . The really little kids didn 't really know what they were doing and they wandered around a bit , but they looked so cute through it all ! After performances , dad and I took communion with them like I used to do when I was a volunteer . After church I was starting to feel sick . We had planned on staying the entire evening , but we decided to leave when they headed to second church service in the late afternoon . During the afternoon we hung out , I helped them fix their computer , and installed a typing tutor program on it . They started having competitions against each other right away to see who could type the fastest . I think the mom is going to win that one , actually . After they left for church , dad and I headed up to a well known beach resort type area nearby to stay . We visited Meaalofa today . Meaalofa was one of my best friends in Samoa . When I first arrived at my school I was teaching way more classes than I could handle . I told the principal of the school that they needed to find me a counterpart or Peace Corps would move me to a different school . ( Looking back , I highly doubt that they would have , but I would not have lasted and most likely would 've quit if I had to keep that old schedule from the beginning ) . But , luckily I had a wonderful principal and he found me Meaalofa . She lived with her father in the village nearby . She had graduated recently from the technical university in the Capitol and knew a little about computers . I ended up teaching her as much as I knew about computers and she took over half of my classes . We became great friends . I like to think that we knew each other well enough to understand culturally where the other was coming from , but also we just got each other . She was honest with me . She told me what I needed to hear sometimes , but she teased me a lot too . I like to think that her and Laupama were my best friends in country . Anyway , we visited with her . I love her even more after this visit . She is such a strong willed , amazing woman . She is currently teaching computers at a primary school . We picked her up after school and drove her home . They live on a plantation . This was the first time I had visited anyone on a plantation . Once as a volunteer I visited the plantation that another volunteers family owned . Driving up to Meaalofa 's house , dad and I parked the car and then had to walk a bit down the road to get to the house . Their plantation had bananas , cows , coconut trees , taro , cacao plants , orange trees , etc . . . it was pretty amazing . They had two dogs . One was big and one was about 3 months old . He was cute , but kept trying to chew on my shoes and run away with them . Every time he barked it sounded like a little kids toy . We gave them the gifts we brought . The oldest son , Andrew loved the chocolate . He kept trying to steal it away from his mom . I wish now that I had brought some pictures of us when we worked together for her to hang up around the house . We sat and chatted , looked at pictures together on our phones and around her house , ate some amazingly sweet oranges they gave us , drank coco Samoa , and just hung out . I wish I could have stayed for hours , but she had a lot to do around the house and she had to work the next day . She gave us a big bag of oranges to take with us , which we told her we wouldn 't be able to eat all of them . When we got back to where we were staying , we shared them with the staff and they said they were the sweetest oranges they had eaten . We gave Meaalofa a ride to her pastors church , she 's the Sunday School teacher and had practice that evening . Turns out the pastor of her village is another teacher from the school I taught at . So , we stopped and hung out with him for awhile . His son was in my class ( very smart kid , but didn 't like to study ) and was graduating from the University that weekend . They had pictures of their kids all over the house and a few pictures of their son were pictures I had taken ! That was fun to see . We didn 't stay very long , but long enough to chat about American politics and the influence of America in Samoa . I was slightly uncomfortable when we left , but it was still good to see him . That evening dad and I were staying at Vaimoana Beach Fales , which literally means blue water beach houses . The place was gorgeous . It was not there when I was a volunteer . The owner of the place gave us a discount however , because I had been a Peace Corps volunteer . It was so nice of him . His daughter Ruby was adorable and kept running around with us keeping us company . The place was beautiful . One of the staff was currently a student at Uesiliana . She obviously did not remember me , but she said the teachers still talked about me . That was fun to hear . I chatted with some of the staff for awhile after we dropped off the oranges . They knew who Meaalofa was . They told us the owner often bought his oranges from her family because they were known to have the sweetest oranges in town . If we had the chance to stay on Savai ' i longer , we would have stayed here . It was not expensive , it was gorgeous , they had tons of options for beach houses ( air conditioned , fans , open over the water , fans and open over the water , etc ) , they had a swimming beach , kayaks , fishing trips , etc . We went swimming for a little bit . Dad can tell you more about that . I woke up really early in the morning , like 4am . I couldn 't sleep . I had a headache , took some Excedrin and then my heart started racing . The next time I come back to Samoa , I will definitely try to stay at Vaimoana Beach Fales . Laupama had asked us while we were on Savai ' i , to stop in Sagone and visit her daughter 's grave . I am so glad I know Samoan . This next paragraph of interactions took place entirely in Samoan . I could not remember where the grave - site was . As we were driving through Sagone , I stopped a woman on the street and asked her where the grave of the daughter of Laupama was . ( I had to look up the word for grave , not a word I used often ) . She got in the car with us and directed us ( dad was driving ) to the women 's committee house . Laupama 's mom was at the Women 's Committee house . She walked out and introduced herself to us . She said her daughter and grand - kids talked of me often so she was happy to finally meet me . She got in the car . She directed us left , right , up a driveway and we finally stopped in front of a house . Paepae 's grave was next to Laupama 's dad 's grave . We stood around , chatted for awhile , then she asked if she could get a ride back . I asked her if I could take a picture of her for Laupama and then we all hoped back in the car ( fine mat is still in the back taking up most of the back half of the car ) . We dropped her off , gave her some of Meaalofa 's oranges and headed on our way to Uesiliana . Our second visit back to Uesiliana was not what we were expecting . We arrived just as the afternoon break was occurring and . . . nothing . So , we walked around for awhile . Said hi to some of the teachers that were not there when we stopped by the last time , and then headed on our way . I have a pretty strong theory as to why , but will not post about it on this public of a forum . We stopped at the market in Salelologa to check out the new location and look around for some presents for friends back home . As we were walking around this woman came up to me and started chatting in Samoan and asked if it was my dad that was with me visiting . I was confused and wasn 't sure what she meant by visiting . I asked her , and she said , I am the Peace Corps volunteer that lives in Satupaitea ( the village my school was in ) and was that my dad who I was with visiting me . I was shocked . I said , yes , I am that volunteer , but I do not live there anymore . I returned back to the states about 4 years ago . We talked for awhile after that and then moved on . I couldn 't believe that she remembered me . I didn 't live in the village , I lived on a compound , but I did bike all over the village and walked around and taught kids from the village . I loved that she remembered me and thought that I still lived there ! She was very surprised I still remembered Samoan after leaving 4 years ago . I was really happy that I did remember it as well as I had . Our last night on Savai ' i we stayed at Lusia 's again . I cupcaked out and stayed in the big air - conditioned room with dad . The trip was starting to wear on me . Mentally I was exhausted . It was hard staying with friends most of the trip . The next time I , we , whoever comes back with me , most of the trip I think will be spent staying at places like Lusia 's and Vaimoana 's . Flight to Samoa - I was looking forward to going back , but also really nervous . It is a hard thing to describe to people who have not been in the Peace Corps before . But the trip was not going to be a vacation . It was a visit , a visit to friends and family . I felt like there was a lot of expectations on my part . I tried to study up on my Samoan in preparation for the visit . It 's hard when I felt like I still knew Samoan , but haven 't heard it spoken in 4 years really . Other than a few words here and there by fellow volunteers . I was however , really looking forward to going back . My father and I were traveling back to Samoa together for my first visit back since I left Peace Corps . My dad had been to Samoa twice before to visit me , so nothing would be new to him , but I was still hoping he enjoyed the trip . I didn 't want to only have visits with family , but also have a chance to fit in some touring and site seeing . I wished my husband was able to come with me , too . This place shaped me . It 's a big part of who I am now . But I think maybe the first trip back it was better to visit with my dad who was familiar with the culture . There were so many things I wanted to do , but everything was closed becaue it was Saturday . I should have known . Dad was really tired from all the traveling . He went to bed at 6pm before the dinner bell even rang . First experience in the country . We arrived in Samoa . We were sitting on the shuttle at the airport to take us to our hotel . The airport is not close to the Capitol . If you can take the Aggie Greys Hotel shuttle it is so much cheaper than taking a taxi . Anyway , I was looking back at the airport and saw someone I thought I knew . I was right . I was Tasi . When I taught at Uesiliana College , he was a teacher there . So I went over to talk to him ( in Samoan ) . He remembered me . He told me , he and his wife had actually just left the school and got a pastoralship in a village on the main island . ( later in the week after talking to other teachers I found out he was teasing me . He is now the Vice Principal of the school ) . For lunch I really wanted to eat at Gourmet Seafood . I always remember the fish burgers there as being THE . BEST . FISH . BURGERS . EVER . they ended up being okay . They weren 't AMAZING , but they were good . For some reason I felt nervous at first speaking Samoan . I think it must be what the Apia based volunteers felt like . Like , well everyone speaks English anyways , so it 's no big deal . I felt however like I needed to force myself to be bold and speak it . The women at the front desk liked that I practiced it with them and were really helpful getting me to rememember words . The Lord did not give us a spirit of timidity , but of power . There are little things I forgot about . The rain . The rain is so loud and heavy in Samoa it overpowers your mind and soul . The ants . The ants are crazy tiny you can barely see them . They got into my toiletry bag within an hour of arriving at the hotel . The mo ' os , or geckos . They make a loud chirping noise and they are all over . I had to keep reminding myself that chirping noise was the geckos . The smell of stale air in an air conditioned room . The dirt on your feet in Apia . That dryness on your hair and skin after moving from outside to an air conditioned room . How uncomfortable I always felt . I think I was uncomfortable the first entire year I was in the Peace Corps . Lots of little things like that I missed and had forgotten . It rained really hard over the night . There were rivers running in front of the hotel rooms . I also heard a dogfight in the middle of the night . I remember in Peace Corps how miserable those made me my first year because I was not able to sleep through them and they were so loud and so often . I also will never forgot the morning my neighbor asked me if I heard the dogfight in the middle of the night and I realized I had NOT ! I had slept through it ! My first night back in country , I was not able to sleep through it . There was something familiar about it though . I was glad that dad had brought his coffee press with him on our trip because one thing I did not miss from my volunteer time was Nescafe . The breakfast was amazing . Panikeke , papaya , chocolate rice , and my absolute favorite Samoan food , vi ! For those of you who have never had it , Vi is like a mix between a pear and an apple . And the core is spikey . One of my students works at Aggies . Epati . I think he was my year 10 and 11 while I was there . I handed that class off to my counterpart so I didn 't get to know that class as well as the year 12 and 13 . He was a server at the hotel . He remembered me . I recognized him at first and then asked him if he remembered me . I was so excited to see one of my students working at a great restaurant . We went to church our first Sunday in country . We went to Peace Chapel . When I was a volunteer I was fairly sick often . I was very good friends with the Peace Corps nurse . She attends that church . Whenever I was sick and had to stay the night in the Capitol , I would attend that church with her and a couple other volunteers . So , I had a good group of friends I knew that went there . Some of them were still there . It was so fun seeing them . The pastor remembered me . During the day since everything was closed we drove over the cross - island road to see the waterfall . Last time my parents were visiting the weather was too foggy and we couldn 't see it . The weather wasn 't that great on the top of the mountain , but we could still see theWe had lunch with Teuila . She told me I am not the sickest volunteer anymore . Still the only one to get malaria . But there are fewer volunteers now . There are currently only 16 volunteers in the country . There were like 60 when I was there . They only have 1 group a year come in , and there was not a group last year . They only teach in the primary schools now ( which are like elementary schools ) . We had dinner with an old student of mine , Togipau . She works at one of the banks in the Capitol . While we were having dinner we noticed another one of my students working at Aggies . After dinner with Togipau , I drove her home . She was staying with a former teacher I taught with , Feao . Feao left halfway thru my first year in country . I missed her so much . It was so wonderful to see her , chat in Samoan , see how huge her children had gotten , and meet her mom . March 27 ( Tuesday ) We finally got to meet up with Laupama . When I was a volunteer she was my family . She is 10 years older than me , but like a sister to me . Her family was my family . We drove around the village asking in Samoan where her house was . We stopped and asked students and asked a teacher , eventually we found her house . When we got there , we sat down with her and her kids and gave them our presents from the states . They were so happy to see us . Seti , the youngest daughter kept calling me her palagi ( foreign or white ) aunt . Something happened to me today . It is hard to describe , but it is like my brain opened up and handed me my memory of the Samoan language . Dad and I were sitting in the car and words I never thought I remembered were coming back to me . For the rest of the trip speaking in Samoan wasn 't a problem , until the end of the trip when I started getting tired and words stopped coming to my brain . Laupama asked if I wanted to help her and the other pastors wives weed today . When I was a volunteer I used to love sitting with the women , weeding , chatting and being social . So I walked what seemed like 5 miles in the heat with her and a few other women , but in reality was probably only 5 or 6 blocks . We didn 't weed at first . We were sweeping up the grass clippings from the mowed lawn . I had a broom . I was being stubborn and trying to keep up with the rest of the women . They kept telling me to rest . After about 15 minutes I had heat exhaustion . They were making fun of me . Rightly so . I ended up quitting and sitting with the kids who were practicing their singing . They kept teasing me the rest of the evening . Calling me stubborn . Saying I wasn 't used to the Samoan sun . Which was true . The first evening we ate dinner with Viliamu , Laupamas husband . I used to eat with the entire family . Dad said something about not treating us as guests , but family and after that we ate as a family together . We walked over to the school . This school is the sister school to where I used to teach . I toured their computer lab . It looked great . They had two computer labs , flat screens in one of the labs , three computer teachers and one Japanese Volunteer helping teach ( the Japanese Volunteers are called JICA in Samoa ) . One of my students was teaching at the school now ! My last year in Samoa , he had received the highest marks on the international computer test out of all of the south pacific countries . He is now teaching Economics at this school , is married and has an adorable new baby boy . It was really fun to see him again , meet his wife , hear about his wedding , and catch up . Dad and I watched Laupama coach Netball . For those of you who don 't know what Netball is , it 's like basketball without all the things we love about basketball . There is no dribbling , no guarding really , no contact , no backboard , etc . Dad even played a little with them , but he couldn 't get over the whole no backboard thing . That evening after dad and I helped Laupama get the evening church service space ready for church , we made Easter eggs . I had brought an egg coloring kit with me as one of my gifts . When I was a volunteer one of the activities I had done with the girls was color eggs on Easter . They loved it . They didn 't want to eat the eggs and brought them to school the next day . Since Easter was soon after I would leave country , I thought the coloring kit was an appropriate gift . All day long , while we were visiting , Seti kept asking when we could color them . The oldest girl , Lesa , is an amazing artist and she was really being articulate with the eggs . I hadn 't seen such detail in a long time . We made a mess and decorated every egg Laupama had in her house . It was one of my favorite evenings in country . Dad and I got up early to take the boat over to Savai ' i . Laupama packed us a lunch for the trip . It was chicken and it was amazing . We kept telling her , at her own prodding , that she should open up her own restaurant . I was really excited while the boat docked into Salelologa on Savai ' i . It was a trip I had taken so often while in Peace Corps and it still felt so familiar . The coast line of Salelologa had changed , but it hadn 't changed . There was a new building . One building was a different color . The side road I used to bike down was now the main road , but it was still undeveloped except the outdoor market had moved there . The market has a nice parking lot and bus area . As we drove to Gataivai where we were staying for the night , it was similar . The church that was under construction my entire 2 years of service was still under construction , abandoned now really . The pasture of cows were still there . I remember Lesa teaching me the Samoan word for cows at that pasture , Povi . Palauli had a new police station and a very large new church , but for the most part , nothing had really changed . And I liked that . Our first night on Savai ' i , we stayed in Gataivai with the pastor of the village , who had been the principal of my school when I was there . It was a nice house . He wasn 't home yet when we arrived so we drove up to the blowholes in Taga for the afternoon . The last time my father was visiting we went to the blowholes , but they were not going . They were really going this time . When you first get to the road down to the blowholes one of the elders of the village gets in the car with you to accompany you down there . That threw dad off a bit , but he rolled with it . This elder remembered me . I used to visit the volunteer that lived in Taga often . I would ride my bike up , stay a night or two and ride back . Once I got in trouble with the male teachers at my school for riding my bike back from her village early in the morning in the dark . . . in the rain . . . without a flashlight . I never did that again . Anyway , this man remembered me and he definitely remembered her . She still stays in touch with members of her village . Dad and I got some great shots of the water and coconuts shooting up hundreds of feet in the air . When we arrived back at the pastors house I helped him ( or tried ) to fix a few computers and electronics . Two teachers from my school were staying there that evening because the village was having a huge wedding the next day and the teachers were building a bed as a gift for the couple from the pastor . It was so fun to see them . One was married with a daughter . He has been to Japan since I left and stayed with the japanese volunteer that lived at the school the same time I did . The other teacher was still single and they teased him often about looking for a wife . A former student from my school stopped by to say hi , too . I didn 't teach him , but he remembered me . He is learning the piano and writing his own songs . He was really good . That evening dad and I wandered over to the singing practice that was taking place next to the pastors house . Dad loves listening to Samoans sing . They are so harmonized . While we were sitting there watching the singing some of the men of the village were sitting behind us drinking ' ava . I noticed people motioning for them to offer some to dad , so I let him know it was coming . I told him to drink the cup all at once and not to sip it . He did . The kids watching loved it ! The men offered him a second cup and he drank that as well . The kids were dying . They offered him a third cup and he declined politely . He was so happy they offered him ' ava . First time for him . I heard one of my students is training to be a pastor . I am so proud of my students . Seeing them working different jobs around the country has been awesome . I could hear the waves from the house . I missed that . Hearing the waves every night crashing on the reef . Very loud , close , but in the distance . As our past year has ended and the new one recently began , I started to pause a bit and think about the past few months . Jim and I still are a bit in shock that we have been married for a little over a year . We finally sent out Christmas cards this year . At first I really wanted to hand write each one , but as Christmas was fast approaching and I had only written around 10 , and I still had around 100 more to write , I finally caved in and included the little insert on the year in review . Why had I never thought of this earlier ? ! ? It 's quick , easy and I can fit a crazy amount of details in anything ever written by hand . Now , I admit it was my first go at it , so they were really rough around the edges and not so pleasing on the eye . Next years ' will be awesome ! Right after New Years we had some visitors come out . When I was in Samoa I lived on the school compound with another volunteer from Japan . In fact , when I finished my service , I visited him and his family in Japan . Well , he came out for a visit with his new wife . We had such a blast taking them around Annapolis . We introduced them to the Maryland Blue Crab in the form of crab cakes . They fell in love with Maryland crab cakes and cream of crab soup . His wife tried some local raw oysters and loved them as well . They enjoyed sitting in a local coffee shop drinking coffee and eating biscotti , and wandering around the town with it 's brick roads and history . One of the things we did when they were visiting was tour the Naval Academy . I had never toured the academy before their visit . If you have never been , it is amazing . There are so many amazing facts about the academy I never knew . Example , all the midshipmen live in the same dorm building which is the second largest dorm building in the world . The largest is in Russia . Our friends really enjoyed the tour as it was something quite unique to the US and Japan does not have military academies like the United States . After the official tour we wandered around the campus and found our way into the Naval Museum . As a history major I must recommend this museum to anyone ever visiting the academy . It displayed the naval history of the US from the beginning of the country until current day . It is a very well layer out museum . My friends enjoyed that museum very much . It was such a blessing having them visit . It even gave us an excuse to finish the bathroom in our basement . ( which they referred to as a hotel . ) Tonight is 12th night . Also known as Epiphany . It is supposedly the night that the Wise men reached the baby Jesus . I can 't tell you if it 's historically accurate or not , and to be truthful , I don 't care . My family has been celebrating this since I was born . My grandparents on my dads side celebrated it . Maybe it was a family thing they brought with them from Germany , who knows . Either way , I love it . Traditionally my family gets together , eats stew , and has cake with 2 beans hidden inside of it . Whoever gets the piece of cake with the bean becomes the King or Queen of the family for the year . I never got the bean as a kid . I remember lamenting this fact to my grandma one year and that year I for the cake with the bean ! Never mind there was a large hole where a finger most likely had inserted that bean . After the food has been eaten and king and queen determined , everyone cuts a branch from the Christmas tree and throws it into the fire while making a wish for the new year . Well , I have not been around my parents or my dads family in a long time , so my current version of 12th night has been somewhat modified . This year only my husband and I are celebrating . A cake seems somewhat ridiculous considering we know we would get the king and queen . So , no cake . Also , after Christmas my husband made turkey soup . It is amazing soup . Much better than most stews . Therefore , we are having the soup . And lastly , we have a fake tree . It is still up , but I had to go outside and cut twigs from our bush so we could throw them in the fire and make wishes for the new year . It was different , but it was special . And it 's ours . When I think of Hackers I start thinking of Dante 's Inferno and that last circle of hell reserved for only those who have committed crimes so heinous that they have their own place carved all out just for them . In my Senior English class my teacher had us read Dante 's Inferno and create our own levels of hell with reasons for each level with those who inhabited them . Being a relatively easy person to get along with , at the time I couln 't really think of something I thought really truly deserved it . The obvious answers came to mind like rapists and murders , but they can repent and be forgiven . I wanted someone truly ruthless , and I couldn 't really think of anyone so unforgivable I could place there . Well , Mr Ferris , 12 years later I have finally found a group to place in the tenth circle and it is the hacker . If you know me at all and are reading this , you know exactly what I am referring to . For a good 24 hours or so I was fighting against a hacker who had seized control of my hotmail account and sent emails out to my entire contacts saying I was in Africa and needed help . If you know me , your first thought would be , " why can 't her parents or dad help her out ? " Your second thought would be , " Either Julya suddenly lost all grammitcal senses or this is not her . " Other than the feeling of loss or violation it really wasn 't that bad in the grand scheme of identity theft , but I still felt the violation and was pissed off . There was some good from it all though . In Samoa , the Methodist pastors were ready to rally together and send me some money . When they found out the person was not me they told this person to " Go to Hell . " I felt a little honored they cared that much still about a volunteer who was only there for a short 2 years of their lives . Also , the pastor who was upset the most wasn 't even the principal from my school . He is the principal of my sister school on a totally different island . In addition , when the email was first sent out , I must have had a good 20 phone calls every fifteen minutes from friends who were pretty sure I wasn 't in Nigeria , but wanted to call just to be sure . Marques even got online and found the site I needed to report it . Since the onset and popularity of Facebook , it has been difficult for me to continue to update here and there . I generally post lots of pictures from my day to day on Facebook instead of here . If you want a more detailed update , please find and befriend me . If you can 't find me leave a comment here and I will find you ! Work is well , my church is great . God is great for bringing me to it . I have met some wonderful members of all ages , and even grafted myself into a family with a dog and everything . Below are a few pictures from random things over the last few months , like Dylan 's visit ( he was another PC Samoa volunteer who was on the same island as me ) , Valentines Day and a few from a weekend in California with Mary . Enjoy . The Federal Reserve . Looks very foreboding . Me in my Obama Inauguration hat with my Obama Inauguration water in front of the Whitehouse . Very patriotic I think . . . The Vietnam Memorial reflectedDylan at the WW2 Memorial pointing to the closest we have to our PC country , American Samoa and him in front of his favorite statue in the Smithsonian Sculpture Gardens , the thinking bunny . . . The original thinking man statue . . . I just found out there is an Ice skating rink on the mall ! Right in front of the National Archives next to the Smithsonian Sculpture Gardens . Crazy . I am going next year . Dylan and I attempt to show our affection to the Capitol by being creative . . All dressed up for Valentine 's Day . I bought that dress around 8 years ago and this was the first time I have ever worn it . Still fit ! I think we look very classy . He took me to the Narrows , a really nice restaurant on the water of the Chesapeake Bay . Me dressed up . Buena Vista Winery in California in Napa Valley . Me and Ms Mary in Napa ValleyThe vineyards were covered in yellow mustard flowers . The owners don 't have them weeded out because they do not affect the taste or smell of the wine . I think they make the vineyards look beautiful . |
Today was a rough day for Pittsburgh Steelers football fans . The Steelers have struggled all season , losing their first four games , before recovering and winning 6 of their final 8 to finish the season with a . 500 record , at 8 - 8 . They were never really in the hunt for the playoffs , and it was hard to stay excited about them during the season . I tend to get a little too involved in the team 's wins and losses . I 'm what you would call a die - hard fan . When the Steelers win , it can make my weekend . When the lose , it puts me in a funk . I take it all much too seriously . So the Steelers started to get their season on track and they were winning games . Coming into the last two games , the Steelers were still longshots to make the playoffs . There were , like , 18 things that had to happen with other teams to keep them in the hunt . Wouldn 't you know it , but everything that had to happen began to happen , and the stars aligned . Going into today 's games , the Steelers still needed a lot of help . They needed to win their game versus their long - time rivals , the Cleveland Browns . The Steelers have played well against the Browns , especially when playing at home , so it was looking good for that game . The Steelers also needed the Baltimore Ravens , Miami Dolphins , and San Diego Chargers to lose , which would make them all tied at 8 - 8 , and the Steelers would get into the playoffs with the tie - breaker . It was still a longshot . Miami was playing a home game against the New York Jets . It they won , they were in . But the Jets played well and took the game , eliminating Miami . The Ravens were playing at the division rival Cincinnati Bengals , and with the way the Ravens had been playing recently , this would be a tough game for them . And , sure enough , the Bengals , after letting it stay close early , ran away with it . It all came down to the San Diego Chargers versus the Kansas City Chiefs . If the Chargers won , they were in the playoffs . If they the Chiefs won , the Steelers would be in . The Chargers were at home , where they had played well . The Chiefs had already qualified for the playoffs , and Coach Andy Reid elected to rest a majority of his starters , including their quarterback and running back . They seemed to be resigned to the fact that the game didn 't mean anything to them , win or lose . It didn 't look good for the Steelers . But the game still had to be played , and it was a nail - biter . The Chargers fell behind unexpectedly and were losing 24 - 14 in the 4th quarter . They seemed to get some momentum , though , and were able to tie it with just a few minutes left . The Chiefs moved the ball up the field , and were inside the 20 yard line with only a few seconds left in the game . A field goal would win it , and allow the Steelers to make it into the playoffs . The Chiefs kicker , Ryan Succop , was a fairly decent kicker , too , so this would be an easy kick . But it wasn 't meant to be . The kick went up and missed by mere inches . The game went into overtime , where the Chargers went right down the field and kicked a field goal , then stopped the Chiefs from scoring to win the game and go to the playoffs ! The Steelers were eliminated . It was a heartbreaking end to the season . I had long ago lost any hope of the Steelers making the playoffs , but the recent success had rejuvenated my interest . Given how everything had aligned for them over the last few weeks , I really thought they might make it . But it didn 't happen . Now it 's college basketball season , and I have to change my focus from the Steelers to my Maryland Terrapins . The men 's team still looks to be struggling , but the women 's team is awesome once again , and there are high hopes for big success this season . Hopefully it will be better than the Steelers . I really hate how seriously I take my sports teams , and their successes and failures are taken to heart . They literally affect my mood and will create a stress I do not need in my life , given the fact that I 'm already stressed from work and other life events . Sports are meant to be a fun and enjoyable diversion . But I can 't help it . I just take it too seriously . And I wouldn 't change a thing . I 've always been intrigued by nicknames , and how people get them and how they stick . Sometimes they start out as , say , pet names between couples , or maybe from grade school . Some come from early childhood , and may have come about when they were a baby . Maybe it 's a play on their name , first or last , or something that they do . Whatever it is , I think nicknames are pretty cool . When I and my siblings were kids , my father always gave us nicknames . Unfortunately , sometimes they stuck , and were used for years within our family , though they seldom spread beyond the family . My uncle started calling me Eric " Von Zipper " , after a character who appeared in the Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello beach movies from the 60s . Apparently , he was a bit of a doofus who wore a leather jacket and rode a motorcycle . The only connection is our first name , Eric . That morphed into my dad calling me " Z " , short for Zipper , and sometimes " Z - bar " or " Z - bar - boy " . My brother got it a little worse , though . For whatever reason , we started calling him " Paco " . I really don 't know why . His actual name is Darren . As he got older , I started calling him " Kiddo " , and it stuck , at least as far as I 'm concerned , and I call him that to this day . I guess Dad really liked nicknames , since he had such a large family ( he 's one of eight siblings ) and they all called each other different names . Dad was " Ferd " , a spin on our last name . As a William , he was , naturally , called " Bill " , or " Billy " . He and Mom called each other " Borky " and " Buckwheat " , after the Little Rascals characters . My grandfather became " Pap " , and I called him " Pap Pap Hair " , since he was a barber , when I was a kid . After becoming grandfathers themselves , my father and all of his brothers became " Paps " , too , or " Pap Pap " . I called my cousin , Jeff , " Fuff " , when I was a little kid . My cousin , Jimmy , was " Jimbo " , which I know he hated . Mom , whose name is Gwendolyn , or Gwen , was called " Gwenzie " when she was a kid . Having the last name Freed makes for an easy nickname . My boss at work calls me " Freed " all the time , especially when he 's not happy , which is all the time . He 's also known to call me " Freebird " or " Freburg " . My wife started calling me " Bubba " after we got married . I don 't know why , and she didn 't even know why , but it stuck , and became my pet name . I called her " My Dear " . I didn 't have anything else that could really qualify as a nickname . However , her family gave her the nickname " T2 " when her cousin , Josh , was a little kid . He couldn 't pronounce " Teresa " , and it came out as " Teretoo " , or , shortened , " T2 " . Her uncle called her that for years ( and referred to himself as " U1 " ) . I adopted T2 for Teresa , but I never called her that except in writing . Uncle Jerry calls me " E1 " . A few of my employees call me " E " , which I kind of like . My current boss refers to me as " E " , as well , among a lot of other names , like " Dr . Freed " and " Good Eric " ( there 's another Eric who is " Bad Eric " , of course ) . My daughter , Melody , was saddled with " Babe " , which is what I called her when she was a baby , and it stuck . You might think she would get the name " Mel " , or " Melly " , but neither name stuck . She 's still Babe within the family . We tried to make things easy on my daughter when she was little , and we called my sister " Aunt G " based on her real name , Angie . Angie loves it ! My brother , Darren , became Uncle D . I call Angie " Ang " . Angie is also short for Angenette , her actual name . Even our pets end up getting nicknames , even when their actual names are almost nicknames themselves . Faithful Pup Scout is nicknamed " Puppy " , or " Scouter " , or even " Little Pup " . My sister 's cat , Sam , was called " Sammy " , or , as I called him , " Sammy Claws " . Some nicknames are better than others , but they sure are fun . I 'm glad to have a couple that I like , though there are just as many that are really bad . Then there 's this one , about a lost dog : 3 legs , blind in one eye , missing right ear , tail broken , recently castrated . . . answers to the name , " Lucky " . I received the most wonderful gift on Christmas Eve . It was a complete surprise to me , and my daughter is the one who surprised me . Melody had been staying with my in - laws since Sunday night . On Christmas Eve , I planned to go to the Candlelight service at my in - laws church , First Baptist of Damascus . It was a long drive from our house , and I was running just a bit late . When I arrived , the service had already begun . My family was all in attendance and they saved me a seat in the front row . It 's not a big church , but there were about 150 people in attendance . I sat with Melody and we enjoyed the service and my father - in - law 's message . As the service was getting ready to end , Melody walked up to the stage and picked up a microphone . I was confused at first , and then the music started . My little girl began singing " Happy Birthday Jesus " . It was sung beautifully and in tune , and I was just blown away ! She had never done anything like this . I was a proud dad , and the tears came easily . In fact , many around me were crying . It was awesome ! When she finished , she came right over to me with a big smile on her face . She knew she had surprised me . I gave her a big hug , my father - in - law gave the benediction , and we celebrated . It was the best present ever ! I hope you all had a wonderful , enjoyable , blessed Christmas ! Oh , I 'm smitten . Again . I know better than to get all carried away about such things , but I feel like I 'm a pretty good judge of character , and this young lady is quite a wonderful character . I found her blog by accident , and discovered that we have something in common : we 're both diabetics , though she 's a type 1 and I 'm a type 2 . There is a difference , and I hope you 'll seek to discover the differences , as education about diabetes is a good idea for everyone , given how common it has become . Anyway , I discovered this young lady , whose name is Kerri Marrone Sparling , through YouTube , where I found a link to her blog , Six Until Me , and I 've followed her for a little while now . You can find her blog here . Let me set the record straight , though , and emphasize that , not only am I at least a full decade older than she , Kerri is also married , and a mom , and I 'm guessing she 's very happy in both roles . And so , as much as I admire her , that admiration is strictly of the professional kind . She is outspoken about diabetes , particularly how it has impacted her own life , and provides advice about living as a type 1 diabetic . I am amazed by how much she reminds me of my deceased wife , though . She has that extroverted nature that I find so attractive , but she also speaks confidently , intelligently , humorously , and unashamedly . She is a beautiful , witty , young lady . I can 't help but be enamored by her , and I apologize if I 've allowed this to distract me from her message . I also hope this doesn 't paint me as some weirdo . Mrs . Sparling just seems to have the personal qualities of the type of woman that I find attractive , and I can point to her and say to my friends , " That 's the type of woman I 'm looking for ! " I hope she accepts that as the compliment it was meant to be . With that said , however , I am happy to have her as an advocate for a cause that means quite a bit to me . I 've shared this story on the blog before , but I 'll briefly recant it again . Just over two years ago , I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes . I had all of the typical signs leading up to this diagnosis , including unquenchable thirst , frequent urination , blurred vision , occasional confusion , immense fatigue . . . and I had no idea why . I finally made an appointment with my doctor . The night before , I celebrated my brother 's birthday with our family , and had a large slice of birthday cake , with plenty of icing . The next morning , I went to see my doctor , and he was pretty quick with a diagnosis before proceeding with blood work . He said it sounded like diabetes . He gave me some literature on the subject , and said he 'd check in with me as soon as he got the results of the blood work . The next day was Sunday , so he called me early on Monday morning and said he wanted to see me right away . He said that my blood - sugar was extremely high : 750 ! Normal was right around 100 . He was afraid for me . He checked my blood - sugar , and I was at about 300 , so at least I was going in the right direction . He put me on insulin immediately , and I got a quick education on giving myself shots . Both of my grandfathers had been diabetics , so I was somewhat familiar with the process , but the fact that I was diagnosed in my early 40s versus my grandfathers ( both were in their 60s ) concerned me . It meant a drastic change in behavior . I mentioned last week that I went to a sleep study clinic , and received the results this morning : I have severe sleep apnea . During the 350 some minutes I slept during the test , I stopped breathing 449 times . That 's more than once each minute , which really scared me . I will get fitted with a CPAP machine next week , which is the first step towards improving my sleep issues . The sleep apnea is connected to my weight , particularly around my neck and throat . I 'm quite a mess . Anyway , I think Mrs . Sparling is a wonderful speaker . I 'm sure she 's a wonderful person , as well , though that is only my impression . ( I 'm secretly hoping she has an unmarried sister . . . . ) . I like to take this opportunity to wish her and her family , as well as you , my readers , a Merry Christmas . We slept late this morning , mostly because of the sleep issues I 'm battling , but also because we were up late last night , so even though we wanted to get an early start on finishing our Christmas shopping , our extra sleep was necessary . Once we got going , though , we had a very busy day . I 'm not much of a shopper . Frankly , I hate it . But I do love Christmas shopping . I find it to be a blast trying to find that perfect gift . And we found a lot of perfect gifts today ! We hit Hobby Lobby , where we found a boatload of those metal signs reproduced from the 50s . We found picture frames for my daughter 's school pictures , which is an annual favorite gift , particularly for the grandparents . We also stopped at the " cheap " store for gifts , Big Lots ! The home of $ 5 watches and $ 10 jewelry provides plenty of stocking stuffers , as well as affordable gifts my daughter can buy for the entire family . We cleaned house ! Aside from the ridiculous amount of traffic in the area around the shopping center , it was a fun trip . The weather , with temps well into the upper 60s , allowed us to spend time with the top down on our little car today , as well . Even though we drove the wrong vehicle today , which meant stuffing the car with more stuff than it was meant to hold , it was worth it for a taste of the warm weather . For many years , longer than I 've known them , my in - law 's family has exchanged a gag gift that has made the rounds to just about every family member at one time or another . It was lost for a few years , then popped up again . It landed in my lap last year . It 's a pair of boxer shorts . I 'm pretty sure everyone has forgotten that I got them . It was a gift I received from my mother - in - law ( and I can 't believe she ended up with them prior to me getting them ) . So upon digging them up the other day and my daughter asking questions about them , I let her in on my plan . I figured it was time for Uncle Jerry to get the shorts . But we were going to make it noticeable and memorable . We got a very large box , one of those that was about 3x3x3 , and filled it with crumbled newspaper . Then we hid the boxers in an empty box of Fruity Pebbles and buried them in the newspapers . Then we wrapped the big box and applied stickers saying , " Fragile " , " Made in Italy " , " Do not open until 12 / 22 at 7 p . m . " , " No peeking " , and " Santa 's watching ! " We also addressed it to Jerry , and placed a huge red bow on it . Once we got it prepared , we took a little trip over to Uncle Jerry 's house . It isn 't hard to find . Jerry does a fine impression of Clark Griswold . I 'd hate to see his electric bill this time of year . . . Our plan was to take the box and leave it on their front porch , where they 'll likely find it tomorrow morning . We parked across the street , and waited a few minutes to make sure no one came to the window . The house seemed quiet , aside from all of the bling outside . I got out and opened the back of our Jeep , pulled out the box , and ran it up their driveway toward the front porch . They had a spotlight shining on the front of their house , and as I crossed in front of it , my shadow became a 20 - foot giant across the front of their house ! I was sure I 'd be caught , but I completed my task and place the box , then hot - footed it back to our Jeep , jumped in , and we took off ! My daughter had taken pictures of me the whole time , and she began laughing hysterically as we pulled out onto the main road . Mission accomplished ! We headed home , laughing the whole way , excited that we were successful . And we 're looking forward to our big Christmas party for tomorrow evening . We can hardly wait to see if we 've successfully surprised Uncle Jerry . It ought to be a lot of fun . Even though the weather doesn 't look or feel like Christmas , it is definitely here ! The most wonderful time of the year , as the song goes . And now the mad rush begins . I was taking inventory of bought Christmas presents , and it appears I am lacking a few gifts for several of my family members , so now we begin shopping for specifics rather than for whatever we find . Tomorrow will be our last - minute shopping day . Look out , crowds ! You can also tell it 's Christmas by the number of parties that are planned . We had a big party at work today , which was nice . The next party will be on Sunday evening , which will be with the extended family ( in - laws ) . Then we have another party on Christmas Eve with all of the families , followed by my immediate family celebrating on Christmas morning . It 's a blast ! Another indicator of Christmas coming soon is the annual Santa visit with the local fire department . They came down our neighborhood street this evening with sirens blaring and lights blazing , with Santa riding on the back of one of the fire engines . It was very exciting , however it was a bit surprising that they came through so late at night . . . it was 9 : 45 p . m . , and I know for a fact that several of the younger kids on our street were asleep already , so they missed seeing ol ' Santa . It was fun to see , though . Every year , we go out to Triadelphia Farm to cut down a Christmas Tree . We 've been doing this annually , give or take a couple of years , for the past 15 Christmases . This year , because of how late in the season Thanksgiving came , plus the poor weather right after that , we didn 't get out as early as we wanted to get a tree . As we 've gotten closer to Christmas , the less desire I had to go out and cut one down . I 've had a lot of bad luck with my trees over the years , from them drying out , to our praying mantis fiasco last year . Last year , we cut down a tree and had it up and decorated in our dining room . After a few weeks , we noticed a few tiny praying mantises in our kitchen . Then we saw a LOT of them . They were everywhere ! I don 't know if it 's true or not , but I 've been told never to kill a praying mantis , that they 're endangered or something . So I was very careful not to hurt them . But I couldn 't just let them wander around the house . I also wasn 't sure how they got in the house to begin with . . . . until I examined our Christmas Tree . Sure enough , near the base of the trunk , we found the nest . Apparently , they were hibernating , but once the tree was inside where it was warm , they " hatched " and started looking for food . It certainly was a memorable Christmas . I was still finding the little buggers around the kitchen well into the Spring . So , anyway , we decided not to get a live tree this year . My daughter was disappointed , and I 've run the risk of being called a Scrooge , but it 's going to make my Christmas a little easier . And I promised my daughter we 'll put up a small artificial tree . And given how much I dislike artificial trees , I hope this is the last time , too . Tomorrow night will be our wrapping party . My daughter asks every year if she can wrap some presents , and each year , I tell her that she should let me do it . Well this year I 'm letting her have her wish . She will be wrapping gifts . It typically takes me an entire day to wrap everything , and this year I don 't have Christmas Eve as a day off from work . So her help is appreciated . I 'm just wondering how long it will take her to say she 's finished . It gets old very quickly . I 'm back ! Not 100 % back , but close to it . I 'm now wishing I had placed a new laptop on my Christmas list to Santa . I need one . I 've been battling sleep issues for years now , mostly severe snoring and grinding of teeth . Before I got married , it was only a problem for myself , but after I got married , my wonderful wife suffered more than I did . She also picked up on the fact that I would stop breathing for short periods of time during the night , a sure indication that I had sleep apnea . She wanted me to get it checked , and I resisted . After she died , I forgot about it . My sleeping got worse and worse , though , and as I suffered through the sleep issues , I was also dealing with periods of depression . Add on hypertension , high blood pressure , type 2 diabetes , and exhaustion , and I became a real mess . At my last doctor 's appointment , I asked for a referral for a sleep study . It was scheduled for Tuesday night . I arrived at 9 p . m . after dropping my daughter off at my parent 's place . The sleep study office was in the basement of a large professional building just outside of Annapolis . I was shown to a standard non - descript bedroom , with a nice flat - screen TV , a sleep - number bed , and a powder room . After filling out a bunch of paperwork and being informed that there was one other patient there for the night , so the technician would be serving both of us , I was told to get ready to sleep and then they would begin applying the wires and sensors . So I changed into my sweats and a t - shirt , and jumped into bed . It was very comfortable . I proceeded to read the book I had brought . At around 9 : 30 , the technician , a very nice young lady , knocked and entered my room to collect the paperwork . She informed me that it would take about 30 minutes to connect all of the wires , and she would start with the other patient , since that woman 's normal bedtime was at 9 : 30 and mine was 10 . So I kept reading . I started to get tired at around 10 , just as the technician returned . Next was the process of connecting all of the wires . They were on my legs , my chest , my neck , all over my face , and my head . They were used to check all of my vital signs , as well as all of the pertinent sleep issues I might have , including restless legs syndrome , and , of course , sleep apnea . She then helped me get into bed , connected the wires to a harness that connected to a computer . I noticed the camera on the ceiling , through which they would be watching me all night . I got a bit self - conscious at the thought . There was an intercom system that I could use should I need anything , including having to use the bathroom . She said to remain on my back until they got everything up and running , at which time I was free to sleep in any position I wanted . She turned off the light and left the room . About 30 seconds later , I heard her voice on the intercom . She asked me to position my head in a bunch of different ways , then to move my eyes , legs , arms , etc . Finally , she said good night , and I was on my own . . . . well , me and all of the eyes watching me . It took a while to get to sleep . I 'm a side sleeper , so I turned onto my side . It was very comfortable . All of the sensors on the side of my face made for a lumpy pillow . I was also very self - conscious about the whole experience . I couldn 't seem to get past the thought of people watching me sleep . But I then tried a few of the techniques I use at home when I 'm restless , such as imagining the floorplan of my retirement home ( it really works , don 't ask me why ) , and I was soon in snooze land . I awoke suddenly after what seemed only a few minutes . There was a digital clock on the far side of the room and it showed 1 : 11 a . m . More time had gone by than I thought . I had to use the bathroom . This was typical . I usually get up a couple of times during the night . I pressed the intercom button , and immediately heard the technician say she would be right there . I wondered why she answered so quickly but remembered the camera and figured they knew I was awake before I did . She opened the door and dimmed the lights to a level where I could see but they weren 't obtrusive . She helped me get up , disconnected a few of the wires , then took the entire harness and placed it around my head by a strap . I was free then to use the bathroom . After , I pressed the intercom button , and she returned . Since I had stayed pretty much in one position , I decided to sleep on my other side , so she help me get into position . Apparently , I had knocked one of the sensors loose on my leg , and she made sure it was stuck in place . Then it was back to sleep . This time , it took me a lot longer to fall back to sleep . There had been too long of an interruption between when I woke up and when I was able to lay back down , and I was wide awake , though still tired . Again , I tried thinking about the things that normally put me to sleep , and I started to drift off . However , I had one of those weird moments when I felt like I was falling and I woke up suddenly , my whole body jumping . I got my bearings , and closed my eyes again . I wondered how that looked on the sensors ! I was soon asleep again . I woke up one more time , at around 4 a . m . I rolled over and was soon asleep again . Then the light went on . It was 5 : 30 , and it was time to get up . The technician said to move into the chair when I was ready and she began to disconnect the wires . This was not so easy . I 'm a pretty hairy guy , so removing the sensors was a lot like removing a band - aid , and I 'm sure ripping them off took some hair with them . I was ready to go within 20 minutes , and that was it . I was free to leave . I walked outside to the cold morning air . It was still dark . I was really hungry . I looked for a fast food place to drive thru to get something on my stomach , then I drove to my parent 's place in Bowie to shower and get ready for work . I worked a normal day , though I was a bit tired . I had a nice evening with my daughter . We got a few groceries , ran some errands , etc . Then we went to bed . I slept pretty solid all night . Apparently , I hit the snooze on my alarm clock a few too many times . It was six o ' clock already , and I was in no shape to even get out of bed . I decided to sleep in just a bit . I texted a few of my employees to let then know I would be in later . And I fell right back to sleep . I awoke again at 8 : 45 , just as my daughter was getting ready to leave for school ( my sister , who comes to the house each morning , had gotten her ready ) . I said good bye . I checked my BlackBerry calendar to see what meetings I might miss , and determined I could take the day off without too much trouble . I emailed my boss to let her know . She was very understanding . I rolled over and fell asleep again . I slept a couple of hours more . Then I decided to get up . I tried eating a bowl of cereal . I watched a little bit of TV . Then I snoozed on the couch . . . for three more hours . I awoke again , let Faithful Pup Scout run outside , then I returned to the couch and slept some more . I was awakened by a text from my daughter asking if she should walk home or would I be picking her up . Since I wasn 't even dressed , and still very groggy , I asked her to walk . She happily did . When she arrived , I told her that I was really out of it , that I might need to sleep a little more . She said she would do her homework , and she was fine with it . I fell asleep again . Next , it was around 6 p . m . I yelled up to my girl to see if she wanted dinner . She said she was okay , but would be down shortly . I fell asleep again . 7 : 30 p . m . I yelled up again . She bounced down the stairs and said she could eat . We had a light dinner . I at cereal again . I had no appetite . We watched a little TV as we ate . I kept toying with my laptop and finally got it to boot up in safe mode . This allowed me to finally access this blog . I 'm still tired , though , and I 'm ready for bed again . I don 't know if this is just a reaction to the lack of sleep during the sleep study , or if there 's more to it . Either way , I 'm still tired . Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday ! I 'm still battling computer issues , which are prohibiting me from doing full blog entries . This is all just a reflection of my inability to thumb type on my iPhone at a fast enough pace to keep up with my thoughts , and in no way reflects a lack of material for blog topics . And I 'm keeping track of worthwhile topics . . . Such as : - - a lack of sugar free or alternative desserts for diabetics at restaurants ; - - my experience at a sleep study clinic last night . . . . Oh , what a night ; - - my search for a new vehicle ; - - why I 'm not putting up a real tree for Christmas this year ; - - my frustrations with my laptop and the automatic Windows updates that keep putting it out of commission ; - - why my dog , Faithful Pup Scout , may be responsible for my sleep issues . . . All this and more is coming to you soon , as soon as I get my laptop up and running , or I get a designated thumb typist ( read : my 10 year old daughter ) to type up my blog entries ! Stay tuned . . . And thanks for reading ! Major laptop issues have temporarily halted updates to the blog . . . . That , and a frustratingly slow texting ability which keeps me from being able to type more than a few words per minute . My apologies to my readers as this may delay blog entries for a few days . In the meantime , enjoy this fantastic season ! I headed home for some time with Faithful Pup Scout , then I went to the AFI Silver Theater in downtown Silver Spring for an annual showing of IT ' S A WONDERFUL LIFE ! The drive over to the theater was beautiful with snow falling and gray skies . It felt like winter , but looked like Christmas ! The film was fantastic , as usual . There 's a reason it 's number one on my list of favorite movies . And no matter how many time I 've seen it ( and I know I must be in the fifties on viewings ) , it still brings a tear to my eye at the end . If you have never seen this movie , it really is one of those must see movies . Seeing it on the big screen with a very appreciable audience makes it even better . I went straight from the theater to my church 's Saturday service , and was pleasantly surprised to see Pastor Mark preaching tonight . He has been laid up after successful heart bypass surgery , and seeing him up and around and preaching was awesome . After the service , he approached me to ask how things were going for me , and , as usual , he got all of the questions in before I could ask him about how he was doing , and a crowd had gathered to speak to him . I 'm sure he 's tired of answering questions about himself , but he is so unselfish . I wish we had more time to chat . I started to leave and began to feel a bit nauseous . I needed to eat something , but it 's hard to work up an appetite when you 're not feeling well . Stupid diabetes . I went home and really crashed , but not before eating a bowl of cold cereal . That seemed to help . I know I couldn 't eat a heavy meal . However , after finishing and going into the kitchen , I had another one of those dizzy spells that have been plaguing me recently . When I jump up too fast , the room will start to spin and my eyes will cloud over . If I don 't sit down or brace myself , I feel like I could pass out . I was fine , but it 's something that has been bothering me . I sat down again and I 've spent the past couple of hours in a fog . I 'm really tired , but I was trying to watch TV . That didn 't go so well . Scout is ready for bed , so I guess that 's where I 'm headed . I haven 't eaten at KFC since they were still known as Kentucky Fried Chicken . Actually , it hasn 't been that long . My daughter and I traveled through Kentucky a few years ago and stopped at the original KFC , which was kind of cool because of the attached museum , but not for the food . But KFC has been running an ad for their " Festive Feast " , which includes 8 pieces of chicken , 4 biscuits , 2 large side items , and a dozen chocolate chip cookies for $ 19 . 99 . I saw the commercial at just the right time . I was hungry . I decided that this deal might make a pretty good meal for us . What ? Okay , maybe not " good " , but delicious ! Right after work , I rushed home intending to make a quick stop at the KFC on US 1 in Laurel , before picking up my daughter at school . I regretted it as soon as I saw there were only 4 people working at the restaurant . The fact that it was between meals , long after lunch but not quite dinner time , led me to believe I could get in and out quickly . There were a few customers already waiting and things didn 't look promising . I put in my order and was given my receipt . And I waited . After ten minutes , all of the customers in the restaurant were still waiting for their food . One of the employees came over to all of us and asked for our receipts . For whatever reason , another employee seemed to put a rush on my particular order , and I received my bag of goodies first . I was in a rush at this point since my daughter was getting out of school at any minute . I did a quick inventory and saw that one of the most important items was missing : the dozen chocolate chip cookies ! I really get frustrated when this happens , and it seems to happen a lot , at many different places . I rushed back into the restaurant and after getting an employee 's attention ( thank goodness she recognized me as a customer who had just left ) , explained that I hadn 't received my cookies . I 'm glad I still had my receipt . The employee said , very matter - of - factly , that they didn 't have enough cookies made . It was going to take 15 minutes to make another batch . It was clear that they intentionally left my cookies out of my order hoping I wouldn 't catch it until later and wouldn 't want to come back . This really bothered me . They tried to get me to accept another dessert instead , but a big part of my desire to stop at KFC was for those hot - baked chocolate chip cookies . I said no thanks , I really just want the cookies . She looked at me as if this was all my fault . I was getting angry . I finally said , if they would get the cookies made , I 'd come back in 15 minutes after picking up my daughter , who I was already late picking up because they had taken too long . They were relieved , and said that would be fine . So I rushed out , drove home , picked up my girl , and came right back to the KFC . As promised , the cookies were ready , but a new shift had begun and there were a bunch of new employees working in the restaurant . I still had my receipt , and one woman , who remembered us , said she would get the cookies for us . I think having my daughter with me kept everyone 's mood light . We were given our cookies and sent on our way . My daughter wanted to try a cookie right away , so I let her have one . She opened the box and there were significantly more than a dozen cookies in the box . They were nice enough to throw some extras in for us for our inconvenience . I was pleased , and happy that they made things right . Dinner was really good . We got the " boneless " recipe , which is all white meat . It was great ! The mashed potatoes were just as I remembered them , and the gravy made a delicious " dipping sauce " for the chicken and biscuits . I also got my girl some mac and cheese . We really enjoyed it . I 'm glad I stopped , though it 's not going to be a regular meal for us . It 's just a little too rich . But it was good . I used to love romancing my wife . I always looked at it as if it was my duty as a man and husband to make sure Teresa always felt loved , and I tried hard to come up with unique ideas . It was hard for me to do when we were dating , before we got married . At least , it was hard early on , given what an introvert I am . But once I got to really know her , and found out what she liked , her favorite things , etc . , it became very easy . She was such a sucker for romance , and I say that in love . I 've noticed too many guys just don 't understand how to romance their wife or significant other . They either don 't even try , even simple little gestures ( holding hands , or complimenting her clothes or how she looks . . . and mean it ) , or they try too hard ( the big splash plays , trying to do something for the reaction instead of for what it 's meant to be . . . for her ) . Guys can be kind of stupid . I say that in love . The key with romance is to never do the same old thing . . . unless the same old thing is something you 've never done before . I had to come up with original ideas . Sometimes it was very simple things . On our first date , I opened and held the door for her , whether it was at her apartment , my car , or the restaurant door . It 's the polite , gentlemanly thing to do . I am amazed how often I see a couple where the man walks in front of the woman , and doesn 't hold the door for her . It 's so simple , yet too many guys don 't get it . On that same first date , it was raining , so I walked with Teresa , holding the umbrella with my left hand , and I placed my right hand in the small of her back . She told me later that this gesture was one of the most romantic things any guy had ever done for her . To me , it was a respect thing . I wasn 't trying to impress her . It was the right thing to do . I know what you 're thinking . You 're thinking , " Eric , you are one romantic guy ! " No , no . . . I jest . You 're really thinking , " Eric , you 're just making yourself sound like the awesomist guy ever . . . you 're just a showoff . " Well , while it 's true my wife called me the most romantic man in the history of men ( I may be paraphrasing ) , I 've had my share of duds . I 've been on dates where I 've tried way too hard . I took a stuffed animal on a first date for a girl and she was not impressed , and she actually told me at the end of the night that I should just keep it . We didn 't have a second date . . . or a third . I re - gifted a book one time , and it turned out it was a book that a student had given to my wife , with a written dedication on the inside front cover . I was completely embarrassed . Flowers are nice , but they can also be unoriginal , and may fall into the " trying too hard " category . Red roses on a first date are too much . The L word needs to be used in moderation , as well . Early on in a relationship , it may not be appropriate . I 'd like to say that you 'll know when it 's the right time to say it , but that 's not always the case . If you say it first and she doesn 't feel the same way , it can be awkward . And don 't say it if you don 't mean it . That could get you into some trouble later . When said at the right moment , it can be very romantic . ( For those of you who don 't know what the L word is , it 's " lettuce " . ) Guys , keep in mind that you really need to be yourself . Don 't try to be someone you 're not . Do not fall prey to the " Cyrano de Bergerac " ploy , where you get a friend to hide in the bushes or give you a speaker to put in your ear to feed you lines . It never works . It has been tried on every sit - com ever made , and a few movies ( see ROXANNE ) , and it just doesn 't work . Be yourself . Even if you have a big nose . Ladies , don 't be hard on your man if he isn 't just naturally romantic . Even taking him to see chick - flicks won 't help . In fact , that might make things worse . Chick - flicks need to be fed to guys in small doses . I started this post seriously wanting to share my experiences and offer help to those less - romantic , but it has fallen into the realm of parody . Maybe that 's where it belongs . Romance seems to work for some couples . It definitely doesn 't work with all . Guys need to be willing to try romance , but it can 't be forced . I feel as if most women want their man to be somewhat romantic , but are willing to live without it , based on what I 've observed , and that 's a shame . My advice , and I 'm no expert , is for guys to try it and be sincere . It might actually bring your relationship to a new level . Maybe to 2nd or even 3rd base . Our bodies are crazy things . I woke up this morning exhausted . I stayed up too late last night , so when the alarm went off at 5 a . m . , I hit the snooze alarm at least three times before I finally decided to climb out of bed . I had dry mouth . A side - effect of one of the meds I take causes dry mouth . I started to brush my teeth , but because of the dry mouth , I began to gag on the toothpaste , which led to dry heaves and an attempted vomiting . I noticed that as my body went through this experience , my legs and knees completely locked up . I don 't understand this connection , but that 's what happened . I jumped into the shower and soaked in the hot water . After about 3 minutes , the water felt lukewarm , and I turned up the hot water . After a few more minutes , I again had to turn up the hot water . It felt so good , and I allowed the water to pour onto my neck and down my back . I turned off the water and within minutes I was freezing . The towel was not enough to keep me warm , but as I dried off , I got more comfortable . I 'm sure there are some physics at work here that I can 't remember , but I found it odd how my body seemed to to be affected by such slight changes in temperature . I took Faithful Pup Scout outside for her morning walk . I didn 't wear a jacket , and I immediately noticed how cold it was . Scout decided that she needed to spend a little extra time sniffing the snow - covered grass . I finally coerced her little butt inside after determining she knew I was leaving for work and was stalling . I put on my jacket and this time it was actually comfortable outside . After driving for about a mile , my Jeep was actually too warm , and I needed to turn the heat down . I followed my usual route to work and got caught up in my thoughts . I shot right past my exit without even recognizing I was passing it . By taking the next exit , I added about 10 minutes to my commute . I have never done that before ! I usually eat a bowl of oatmeal when I get to work and go through my emails . Because I had been out for the past two days , I had a lot of emails to go through , as well as a lot of people to touch base with . As I got to it , I made my oatmeal , but didn 't have time to eat it before I had to go to my morning stand - up meeting with my employees . I hadn 't eaten and my body was letting me know it . I finished the stand - up , but had a meeting I had to go to , so I was not able to eat my oatmeal . When I returned to my desk , I was starving and getting a bit shaky , which is what happens when I 've gone too long without eating . I saw my oatmeal sitting there , and decided to eat a few bites . It was terrible . Fortunately , lunch was only about 30 minutes away . After eating , I felt a lot better . The rest of the afternoon was uneventful , and I headed home . I was feeling anxious , and a bit tired , but I was glad to be going home . I picked up my daughter and we began to relax . Faithful Pup Scout wanted her own normal routine , which included a quick walk , then a trip upstairs to the bathroom . Even though I don 't use the bathroom everyday after arriving at home , Scout still assumes that I do , and she literally gets excited and tries to lead me up the stairs . I 'll follow her up , change out of my work clothes , and if I do use the bathroom , she runs in ahead of me , finds her spot on the floor to lay down , and sits at my feet until I finish . It really is odd to me . The moment I finish , she leaves the bathroom . My daughter worked her homework while I watched a little TV . I was tired , but not enough to nap . Many days , I do . I made us a nice dinner , and we ate while watching TV . My daughter still had a little homework , so while she did that , I attempted to snooze . It was at that moment that my legs began their little dance . As much as I tried to relax and close my eyes , my legs would not rest . The muscles in my legs begin to ache and I have to keep moving them to keep them from hurting . This keeps me from falling asleep . I adjusted a bit and was about to drift off , but I felt a sneeze coming on , and while trying to stave it off , it grew and finally came on me in a very loud and aggressive way . My whole body got into the act , and I heard my daughter yell , " God bless you ! ! ! " from upstairs . I attempted to say thank you , but the sneeze kept my voice from working and it wouldn 't come out . We were getting tired , and it was past my daughter 's bedtime , so we went upstairs to get ready for bed . We prayed together , and said our goodnights , then it was off to bed with her . I finished typing up this blog . Now I 'm dealing with an achy left shoulder , the same one that I broke in a fall several years ago . Either I was about to have a heart attack , or the cold was getting to me . I 'm a bit susceptible to arthritis in my injured joints , and the weather seems to cause them to become painful . I finished typing , and now I 'm headed to bed . I enjoyed my snow day today . It was enough of a threat to call off schools and close the Federal Government , so I had a nice , relaxing day off . Since I took off yesterday , too , I got a nice four - day weekend out of the beautiful weather . To pass the time , I actually got busy and worked around the house for much of the day . Following that , I started another fun little project . I really enjoy reading the blogs written by others , and have links to them on my blog page . But there are so many listed that it has become hard for me to keep track of them . Fortunately , they 're listed in chronological order as they 're updated , but I wanted to organize them a little better , so I broke them up into categories . The categories include local favorites from the Maryland / DC area , with a particular focus on Howard County . There are some wonderfully written blogs by awesome individuals throughout the area , and they have been great influences on my own blog . Another category is a handful of blogs with a Christian view . Then there are the sports blogs . Most of the focus here is on my favorite sports teams , notably those in Pittsburgh . There 're a bunch centering on the Steelers , Pirates , and Penguins , and the University of Maryland Terrapins , my Alma mater . The rest of the categories follow my interests . I love to travel , so I have a grouping of blogs about road trips , which I love , and amusement parks , among other things . I love Route 66 , so there are a bunch about that old highway , and the Lincoln Highway . To go along with those , I am fascinated by old things , abandoned buildings , old New York City , and old highways , so there 's a grouping of blogs about those things . I also have a grouping of blogs about movies , television , science fiction , classic fifties , comics , and even fun stuff like Bigfoot . I 'm very entertained by much of what I 've read here . It 's just fun ! Lastly , since I am a cartographer by trade , I have a bunch of blogs grouped by geography , cartography , maps , and geographic information systems ( GIS ) . It 's a fascinating subject , and I love it . I follow a bunch of friends who write blogs , too . I 'm fortunate to know a lot of great writers , much better than me . I enjoyed my day off . I miss my daughter , though . I talked to her a couple of times today , and she had a great time with her grandparents . Pap loves to play with her , and they got out in the snow for a bit . They didn 't get nearly the amount of snow in Bowie that we got here in Howard County , though . I think we finished with about four inches , at least . And even though I didn 't go out in it ( other than to shovel the walk and clean off my Jeep ) . Faithful Pup Scout used to love playing in the snow when she was a puppy . It was fun to watch the little white fur ball run around in the snow . She would blend right in . Now that she 's getting up in years , she doesn 't like being outside nearly as much . She gets around very slowly , and I 'm sure the cold air is too much for her . Tomorrow will be a rough day at work since I 've been out for a couple of days already . I 've got a lot of work piling up for me , plus a bunch of meetings . That 's the only negative to being out of work . But being able to relax and enjoy the past few days makes it worth it . I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve ! Anytime there 's a threat of snow , particularly a BIG snow , I get excited . Tonight is one of those nights . I know we just had a full day of snow and freezing rain , but it 's much different when the forecast is for SNOW . SNOW is a lot different from snow and freezing rain . Instead of a soggy mess , like what we got on Sunday and today , we 're supposed to get a nice big snow . The timing of this storm will be interesting . It 's not supposed to start until around 5 a . m . , so any impacts on the roads will happen as the rush hour gets going . Will that be enough to cancel schools and close the Federal Government ? That 's the big question . I took one precaution already and took my daughter over to her grandparent 's place for the night . That way , if school is closed , she 'll already be taken care of . Should they open , my father or my sister will be able to take her to school . But with her at their place , I don 't have to wait around for the weather to stop or get better in the morning , like I did this morning . I took off today due to the weather and the fact that my sister was not able to drive over to my house this morning to take care of my daughter . It was a nice , relaxing day , however , and I enjoyed the chance to just hang out with my girl . The forecast for tomorrow morning is 4 to 6 " of snow . It that holds , it will definitely impact the commute . But if I leave early , I shouldn 't have a problem with traffic or weather , assuming the gov 't . opens . Either way , I 'm excited . My daughter and I met my parents for dinner this evening at T . J . Elliott 's in Bowie . T . J . Elliott 's is the sister restaurant to the original Ledo 's , now in College Park , owned by the Marcos family . They serve the original Ledo 's pizza and it is fantastic ! My father and I ordered a large with mushrooms , green peppers , and extra cheese . If you haven 't tried Ledo 's pizza , you owe it to yourself to try it . While they have spun off into a chain of restaurants throughout the DC area , there 's nothing like the original recipe . The crust is flaky , the sauce is slightly sweet and rich with tomatoes , and the provolone cheese gives it a really great taste . It 's served in their " trademark " rectangular plastic trays . It 's a square pizza , but that 's what makes it cool . : - ) My daughter and I had a nice day off today . We didn 't do what we said we were going to do . . . I wanted to decorate the house for Christmas . Instead , we did a lot of nothing . We watched the finale to one of our favorite shows , THE AMAZING RACE , and enjoyed a day playing with our animals . Faithful Pup Scout loves it when we 're all home together , and my daughter played a lot with Macy The Hamster , letting her run around the house in her ball . The best part of the day was getting a nice afternoon nap . I 'm still having a lot of trouble sleeping , with lots of intense dreams . In addition , for whatever reason , Faithful Pup Scout decided at 1 : 30 a . m . that she needed to go outside . I hate when that happens , but I 'm happy that she 'll at least let me know instead of just wetting the bed , especially since we share the bed . Then , my daughter wasn 't feeling well and was up at 3 a . m . My alarm went off at 5 a . m . , and if there hadn 't been a delayed arrival at work which gave me a few more hours of needed sleep , I wouldn 't have been very alert at work . It 's beginning to look a lot like Winter ! Today 's snow had me and my daughter , Melody , very excited . We love this time of the year , and seeing snow just adds to the atmosphere of the season . At the first sign of snow falling , Melody began giggling like the school girl she is . We kept the front door and the curtains open so we could watch it fall . It really was awesome . I spent a good bit of the day watching NFL Red Zone , which shows highlights of all of the NFL games as they happen . When I can 't watch my Pittsburgh Steelers play , that 's the channel I watch . Unfortunately , the game didn 't go the Steelers ' way , and they fell apart at the end . The loss pretty much ends any chance of them going to the playoffs . There were a lot of exciting games , however , with many of them going right down to the wire . The Ravens were successful in a see - saw game which saw four touchdowns in the last few minutes . Last night we went to our first Christmas party of the season . My father - in - law is the pastor at First Baptist Church of Damascus , and they had their annual Christmas party , with about 50 or so people attending . The food was great , which was an improvement on last year 's party , when a few dozen people got food poisoning by the caterer . The emcee for the evening ended up being a big surprise : Elvis ! One of the church members surprised everyone by coming out of hiding wearing a white jumpsuit and black wig , and he spent the entire evening in character . We played a bunch of games , ate good food , and enjoyed each others company . It was the most fun and relaxed I 've been in weeks . My parents and in - laws were both there with us , and Melody seemed to enjoy herself quite a bit . Now that we have a mess outside due to the weather , what 's going to happen tomorrow ? The news is reporting another round of significant icing over night , which will make the roads pretty dangerous . The sidewalks will likely not be shoveled , so that will impact the kids who walk to school . At the least , I can see the schools being delayed , if not cancelled . The Federal Government rarely shuts down , but ice is the great equalizer when it comes to traffic . If it was just snow , that 's one thing . Ice makes it significantly worse . We won 't know for sure until morning , however . If we get a day off , it means Melody and I will spend the day decorating for Christmas . I would like to get some of the Christmas lights put up outside , and we need to clear out an area for a tree . We 're already well past the time when we would go out and cut down a tree , so we 'll likely just head over to the tree lot that the Savage Fire Dept . hosts each year . We 've had good luck with them in the past . My wife died over nine years ago , and in all that time , I 've only had dreams about her about a half - dozen times . That makes me sad , though most of the dreams have not been " happy ending " dreams . But you might think that I would have a lot of dreams about someone who was such a significant part of my life . Maybe the Lord purposely keeps us from having dreams about loved ones who have passed on so that our healing can come about more quickly . I don 't know . . . One of the first dreams I had about my wife was in the first year after she died . It caught me by surprise , since I hadn 't had any dreams about her up until that point , so I actually felt a bit emotional when I woke up . The dream wasn 't a very happy one . In the dream , I was walking down the sidewalk in an unknown city far from here , and I bumped into her on the street . She apologized to me , said that she had to go , and she had remarried and started a family with someone other guy . It absolutely killed me , as it felt like I had been rejected by her . She just kept apologizing to me , but she had no intention of returning to her old life . Another dream was about her dying in a car accident , but coming back to let me know that she missed me , but had to " die " again and wouldn 't be able to come back . I could probably get this one analyzed by a professional and it would turn up all kinds of imagery , particularly related to being born again as a Christian . Anyway , it was tough having to say goodbye , but it felt like it was a chance to say goodbye . Last night 's dream was really different , but really captured her well . Teresa and I had taken many trips during our short married life , and this dream had us taking a trip to what appears to be a warm climate city , like Miami , or maybe even Los Angeles . It was a trip for us to relax and let our hair down , which sounds like the type of trip I need to take right now ! I was wearing a tux without a tie , and I had asked Teresa to dress up in something she normally wouldn 't wear , being how humble and conservative she was . She had on a sexy strapless satin white dress , cut well above her knees . She never would have worn something like that . But there we were , all dressed up , very relaxed , laughing together , having fun while we walked up the sidewalk near a beach . She looked so radiant , so beautiful , so much fun , and that , in turn , had me relaxed , something I sincerely have not felt in months . I don 't remember many details , and I woke up way too soon . While the dream stayed with me , unlike so many others I 've had , it has faded quite a bit since then . What an awesome dream ! As I said , I just don 't have enough dreams about my wonderful wife . I wish I had them more often . I just didn 't have enough time with her . Worse is that my daughter never got the chance to know her , since she died when Melody was only 5 months old . I 'm just glad that we will all be reunited one day . So happy for eternal life with our Lord and savior . I arrived at the school to pick up my daughter at the normal time . Just as I pulled up , I received a text message from the school stating that they were on lockdown as requested by the Howard County Police , all students were safe , and they would dismiss as soon as they got the all clear . It was odd timing only because it was just minutes before they would be dismissed normally . Parents had gathered as normal to pick up their kids , whether by car or by walking , and all could only stand around and wait as news of the lockdown was received . Their was no other news from the school or county , and no word on the news about why the school was on lockdown . I sat in my car for around 20 minutes , just waiting . The only other message I received from the school was a request to not call the school so as not to tie up the phone lines . I could see the front door of the school from where I was parked along the side of the main road , and there was no action . It was apparent that some parents attempted to request entry into the school , but a lockdown is a lockdown . No one was allowed to enter or exit the school . All we could do was wait . It was killing me not knowing what was happening . I had the typical worst - case scenarios running through my head , from a mass shooting to a bomb threat , though the absence of any emergency vehicles of any kind was a relief . I hedged my bets and decided to run down to the grocery store , only a mile away , to pick up a couple of prescriptions I needed . I held my cell phone in my hand the whole time , hoping to get a text message either letting parents know they could pick up their kids , or any kind of news as to what was going on . I had been listening to WTOP , the main news station for the area , but they made no mention of the lockdown . I picked up my prescriptions , then rushed back out and drove to the school again . There was no change . There were still many parents milling and walking around , and a long line of cars there to pick up their children . Fortunately , the weather wasn 't very cold , so I put the windows down on my car . I hoped that I might hear someone talking about what was happening . Finally , after over an hour , there was an announcement outside of the school . I couldn 't hear it , since I was too far away , but the crossing guard was going car to car letting the occupants know that they should park their cars , enter the school calmly , and bring ID to verify you are who you say you are . There would be two lines formed inside the school . As parents entered , they were given a release form to fill out in order to alert teachers as to who the parents were picking up . The parent would give one of the teachers the form along with a photo ID , the teacher would check to make sure the person with the ID was on the student 's authorized pickup list , then be sent around to the other side of the hallway where their child would be brought , and they could then exit . It was apparent that they had a release plan . Unfortunately , the parents totally screwed up that plan due to their selfishness and disregard for following instructions . It was a free for all . The two lines were formed and fine at the back , though there was a lot of confusion since nobody seemed to know what to do . The forms that needed to be filled out were being given out by one woman , and if you didn 't know she was the one to see for a form , you wouldn 't know you even needed a form . The next problem was that no one knew about the forms until we got inside , so how many people brought a writing utensil ? Fortunately , I was near a woman in line who let me borrow hers . Next , despite the orderly instructions to wait in line , a school employee would randomly yell out , " Fifth grade ? " , and every parent who had a fifth grader would rush to the head of the line , ahead of all of the other parents who were waiting in front of them . It was total chaos . You could see the frustration on the faces of many of the parents and the teachers and faculty . Patience was wearing thin . Some of the parents , though , didn 't seem to care . They only wanted to get their kid as soon as possible , and didn 't seem to care about anyone else . I waited patiently until the I got to the front of the line . I calmly gave the form and my driver 's license to a teacher , she checked me off , told me where to go to meet my daughter , and disappeared into the crowd . When I reached the other side , I didn 't have to wait very long . My daughter soon appeared , and I could see the relief on her face that I was there for her . However , we had to wait for a teacher to call her name . When that didn 't happen after five more minutes of waiting , with many other kids getting called before my girl , I got concerned , and so did she . Finally , she asked a teacher if she could go with me . That teacher asked me if I had the form . I calmly told her that I had given it to a teacher already who went to get my daughter . The teacher said , " I think I know what happened , " and she walked away with my daughter . By this time , I was starting to get a little be angry . The process seemed to be going all right despite the craziness with the parents , but now why was my daughter being singled out and not able to just leave with me ? Finally , they came back with the form , and we were able to leave . My daughter said that , when they called her name , the teacher didn 't wait for her , and she just followed the other kids to where I was supposed to pick her up . Since the teacher still had the form , she wasn 't cleared to leave . It was a simple mistake , but given the circumstances , it was maddening . I gave my girl a big hug , told her how much I loved her , and we trekked back to the car . We were very relieved to finally be home . So was Faithful Pup Scout , who was sitting in the kitchen with her legs crossed . We never did find out why the school was in lockdown , though I found out that another nearby school was also locked down . I truly believe that the school had the best of intentions with the entire experience today , but it could be better , and the parents would all be better served to follow the instructions they were given regarding the lockdown . I felt bad for the teachers and faculty . I don 't know if they get overtime for situations like this , but they deserve it . If only things could have been better arranged . If only the parents could be better behaved . It was truly a mess . Whew , today was another rough day ! It got much better as the day went along , but it was bad at the start , especially after arriving at work . I immediately had to deal with a continuation of the issues from yesterday , which had to do with issues between management and an employee . One manager , who is a very good guy and short to get angry , was furious over accusations by the employee that were blatantly false , and we had received proof overnight that the union had made the accusations without any evidence . The result was a rather contentious meeting between all of the parties . While the issues were resolved , tempers flared and tension still exists . It was a difficult meeting to be a part of . I 'm not at all used to this type of behavior , and dealing with it was a challenge . I came home late and in a bad mood , but coming home to my beautiful little girl made my day . I wanted to do something special given that the last few days were so difficult and I felt like I had not been giving her the attention she deserves . So I suggested that we head out to the Mall in Columbia , grab a bite to eat at the eatery , and go see Santa . She was all over that idea , kind of like peanut butter on toast , and off we went . Right after she finished her homework . We arrived at the Mall and grabbed some dinner . We decided to eat at Chick - Fil - A , and after a fine meal and enjoyable conversation ( no smart phones ) , we took a little walk around the Mall . Santa was all by himself , and he gave us a big wave as we approached . A jolly guy , was ol ' Santa ! Melody quickly ran over to Santa , and he invited her to sit on his lap . Several pictures were snapped as he asked her what she wanted for Christmas . She played it safe and said she wanted a new cage for her hamster , Macy , since she has gotten too fat . We got a few pictures , said goodbye , and continued to walk through the Mall . Melody had decided she wanted to buy something for herself . I told her that we were getting close to Christmas , and it didn 't make a lot of sense to spend her money on something on herself . She insisted , though , and had brought ten bucks with her . We ended up at the Disney Store , where , after at least 20 minutes of wandering the store , she finally settled on a stuffed Perry The Platypus . She paid for it , and we decided since it was getting late , we 'd better start heading home . As we left the Mall , I told Melody that we would drive through the Symphony of Lights at Merriweather Post . She was very excited , so off we went . Aside from the line attendant giving me a hard time about being a Steeler fan , we had a nice drive . The lights are a highlight for us every year . My girl loves Christmas lights , and the various shapes and characters made out of the lights are fun to see . We took our time , despite how many times we had cars behind us ride right up onto our bumper ( and moved to the side to allow them to pass ) , especially the large number of cars that keep their headlights on despite signs and announcements on the broadcast associated with the drive . Then we headed home . Santa has asked me on several occasions to fill in for him . It helps that I have a union suit and a fairly realistic beard and wig . It 's a fun gig . I 've served in the role at a few different churches I 've attended , a few family Christmas parties , at the office , and for my aunt , a story I 've shared on this blog . Having the costume is helpful in other ways , too . One night , several years back , the University of Maryland Terrapins were playing a Thursday night football game that was to be nationally broadcast on ESPN . A few friends and I got tickets for the game . That morning , it had snowed , and by game time , it was well below freezing . I decided to wear the Santa suit to the game thinking that I might end up getting on TV . Everyone loves seeing Santa at a football game . We arrived at Byrd Stadium for the game and realized that ice had collected on the concrete on the stairs of the upper deck , where our seats were located . We were sitting pretty high up , which was bad enough with my fear of falling , but the ice made me fear that I could actually fall . I had hoped to be on TV , but now I was afraid I might slip and fall , and the sight of Santa rolling down from the upper deck of the stadium might make the evening news . It was so cold , and the wind was blowing very hard , so we decided to leave at halftime . I recorded the game , and checking the tape later , I saw that I never got on the air . Having a Santa suit gave me a great idea for a Halloween costume one year . I went as Santa Claus ! I actually had a lot of fun , and Santa was the hit of the party . I found it kind of easy to just fall into the role , and my normal introvertedness took a back seat to Santa being the life of the party . I also found out that several young ladies at the party had a " thing " for Santa . While that meant plenty of them wanted to sit on Santa 's lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas , none of them actually wanted to sit under the tree with Santa and watch the twinkling stars in the night sky . Oh , well . . . . the beard wasn 't exactly conducive for making out . It covered up too much of my face and lips . I 've had a few gigs that required me to arrive in character , which meant wearing the suit to the location . It is a blast to be driving down the Beltway dressed as Santa and waving to little kids in the cars I passed . The looks I got were priceless . Playing Santa is a lot of fun . The best was being Santa for my little girl , though . When she was a baby , it made getting pictures with Santa very easy . . . Dating is really hard . I hate it . It 's not fun , except when it is . When you have success , especially when you only have to be successful once ( leading to marriage ) , it is fun and actually feels pretty good . But most of the time , the odds of success are pretty slim , depending on who you are and who you are dating . I was kind of lucky , I guess . I only seriously dated two young ladies before I met the woman who I married . I dated a lot more women who I had every intention of dating seriously , but I very seldom went with on a second date . A part of this is because I was so picky . Ridiculously picky . I was pretty clueless , too , when a woman showed interest in me . I missed out on a few dates with some wonderful young ladies just because I didn 't recognize the signs of their interest . Renee , who was in the University of Maryland 's Mighty Sound of Maryland Marching Band with me , became a good friend while we were in the band , and practically threw herself at me ( I was told later ) , but I showed absolutely no interest in her because I just didn 't realize it , and I was also afraid of messing up our friendship . I ruined our friendship as a result , because there really wasn 't a friendship . She wanted a relationship with me , and I didn 't respond . So she looked for someone else . Yeah , I was dumb . I guess I shouldn 't complain . I did marry the woman I believe God prepared for me , and me for her , and we had a wonderful , almost storybook - like marriage . If it had worked out with Renee , or any other of the young ladies I dated , I wouldn 't have had the wonderful experience with Teresa . Unfortunately , my marriage lasted less than five years . I don 't think anyone would have predicted that she would die at such a young age . So , eventually , I was back where I started . . . back in the dating pool , just older . I really didn 't want to be back in the pool , though . As I mentioned , I hated dating . I didn 't want to have to go through it again , especially when I thought I was done with it . So I 've had my fair share of dating . In fact , I 've probably dated more since Teresa 's death than I ever did before I met her . And , just as before , I 've been on very few second dates . Dating makes me miserable . I 've been happy when things are going well , but that isn 't very often . To make matters worse , I caught a look of myself in a mirror recently while out in public and I didn 't like the sight that greeted me . I 'm not in very good shape . I 'm certainly not prepared to make a good first impression on anyone I might want to date . Not that I 'm having any luck there , either . The latest dating site I 'm on has attracted zero women who I might be interested in dating , and those I 've shown interest in have not returned that interest . And though I know there is only so much you can learn about a person on a dating site , the women who HAVE shown an interest in me do not come close to the preferences I 've outlined on my profile . I should follow my cousin 's advice . Jamie is one of my favorite cousins who is constantly sending me advice about dating and how easy it is ( though I think it 's important to mention that she married young ) . She is very much an extrovert and does find meeting people very easy . Not me , the classic introvert . Anyway , Jamie is always telling me to just walk right up to someone I 'm attracted to and feed them a line . She says it almost always works . I honestly find that hard to believe . I 'm thinking I might just give up on actively trying to date and just wait until my little girl is older and goes off to college . It would probably be easier to fine someone who matches up well with me , instead of someone who matches up with me AND my daughter . And even though I feel like my daughter has been cheated out of having a mom , since she lost hers when she was just a baby , that 's probably going to be easier for me . In the meantime , unless you really think I 'm a lost cause , feel free to send pics and profiles of women looking for a nice guy to date . Maybe it will work out . . . . who knows . Life is crazy that way . We had a great time today in Old Ellicott City along with what seemed like thousands of other people . Today was Small Business Saturday , and I 'm happy to say that it appears the small businesses are doing an overall good business in Ellicott City . The Christmas shopping season is a great time to be in EC , as many of the shops are decorated in the season 's finest , with lots of lights , candles , wreaths , Santas , Elves , and Christmas bling all over town . We felt like the season was upon us in a big way , and it really put us in a Christmas mood . In fact , a highlight for me was getting tackled by a 5 ' 5 " elf on the stairway of one of the antique shops I visited . He / It was coming down the stairs as I was going up . I 'm not a little guy , but somehow the elf didn 't see me and ran right over me . I had time to yell , " Head 's up ! ! ! " just as he plowed into me and , fortunately , I went down in a heap on the landing . Unfortunately for the elf , he kept going , head first , right on down the stairs . I think he landed in a display of fairy action figures . He was okay , I was okay , and the fairies were okay , and , hey , who wants to get mad at one of Santa 's elves , even if he was too tall and it was his / its fault ? The excitement didn 't end there , though . Later , as we were wandering through another crowd of people outside of the old Calahan 's Department Store , we discovered they were giving away cups of hot chocolate . It was a mighty fine gesture on the store 's part , and my daughter asked me if she could have a cup . I said it was fine , and she even added some mini - marshmallows to hers . We navigated through the crowd to the sidewalk , where her hot chocolate bumped a passerby , who knocked it right into my lap . They certainly can 't call it " cold " chocolate , " room temperature " chocolate , or even " luke warm " chocolate . . . . it was definitely HOT . It soaked through my jeans , my tucked in t - shirt , my long underwear , my short underwear , and a good bit of hair . It didn 't take long to cool off and before long , it was " ice cold " chocolate . About a half - hour later , I was crossing the street when three rather attractive women asked me if I would take a picture of them . One of them handed me her camera , and I lined up to take their pic . Unfortunately , the camera wasn 't turned on , and I didn 't realize it until I had pushed the shutter button several times and nothing happened . The light changed and I was still in the middle of the street with the women , who didn 't seem to care , but insisted that I get the shot despite an approaching pickup truck . I think I got an okay shot , threw the camera back to the woman , and turned toward the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street . Before I could take more than two steps , the woman grabbed my arm , swung me around , gave me a huge wet smooch on my nose , said thanks , and released me . Several honking horns later , I reached my side of the street , embarrassed , red - faced , and just a bit confused over the whole thing . The women were headed down the other sidewalk , laughing at each other . After shopping for several hours , we decided it was time to go . We headed up the street to the parking area . In some areas , the sidewalks are really narrow , with barely enough room for two people to walk past each other without one having to step into the street . My daughter was in front of me , and a smartly dressed couple was walking down the sidewalk towards us . Just before we got to them , I moved as far to the right as I could , practically hugging the building on my right as I walked forward . The couple approached just as I tripped on a large rock jutting out into the sidewalk , which I hadn 't seen . I went down in a heap , landing on my palms as I reached out to break my fall . As I did so , the young lady half of the couple walking towards us accidentally tripped on the curb trying to miss me . She wasn 't successful . She went down , too , landing right on top of me . She knocked the wind out of me , which actually sounded rather funny ( kind of like compressed air being forced out of a tube ; or like a muted fart , if that makes any sense ) . Her companion thought the whole thing was hilarious , and began laughing very loudly . The girl didn 't find it amusing at all , and neither did I . She began to chew him out in a language I didn 't recognize , but she was still laying on top of me . I couldn 't get up until she got up , and she was too busy yelling at the guy to get up . She finally stood up , and they continued down the sidewalk arguing without acknowledging me at all . Melody helped me up , I said thanks to her , but loud enough that I hope the couple heard me , and we continued to go to our car . Ellicott City really is a neat little town with a lot of history . I 'm hopeful I didn 't add to it 's history with my little faux pas . But you all should try to get out and enjoy the season . Shop till you drop . I did . Before my wife and I were married , I read a few books on how to make a strong marriage . I was excited to be married , and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to keep my new wife happy . One thing I read about was to go on regular dates , and , if possible , pick a night each week as " date night " . Teresa and I thought this was a great idea , so Friday became our regular date night . We didn 't go out every Friday during our marriage , but we did go out as often as we could . And we always had fun . And we had a strong marriage . I was thinking about some of the things we used to do together . Primarily , we would go out to dinner . We appreciated a good meal , and enjoyed trying out new restaurants . We also went to see a lot of movies . I remember when the first Spider - man movie came out , and she was more excited to see it than me . We saw it the Friday it premiered . Another movie I remember seeing on Date Night was SIGNS , which was about an alien invasion . There 's one scene in particular that is rather heart - pounding , with the main character , played by Mel Gibson , confronting a possible alien locked in a pantry of a friend 's kitchen . He is a bit of a skeptic , but the friend is adamant as to what it is . So he goes up to the door of the pantry , kneels down in front of the door , and tries to see who , or what , is in the pantry . He can 't see anything , so he starts to leave . Then he goes over to a butcher 's block , grabs a long , shiny knife , and kneels down next to the door again , this time using the knife as a mirror . Now , Teresa and I were sitting comfortably in the movie theater , wrapped around each other . I think her legs were on my lap , and my hand was resting on her lap . At that moment , an alien hand appears in the reflection , grabbing at the knife . Mel 's character jumps and instinctively hacks off a couple of the alien 's fingers , then leaves the house as quickly as possible . I instinctively jumped at that moment , and my hand grabbed Teresa 's thigh , which caused her to jump , which scared me and I audibly yelled . A lot of people had screamed during the scene , but my own yell was like a delayed reaction , and lingered just a little longer . Teresa and I looked at each other like a couple of school kids , and we lost it . Such an intense scene of the movie , and we began giggling uncontrollably . And everyone around us stared and shushed us . It was a funny moment , and one we talked and laughed about for several years after . I remember shortly after we married , I took Teresa to a carnival . Teresa didn 't like very many rides , but she did like the Ferris Wheel . I hate them . It 's one of the worst rides . I have a fear of falling , and the stupid thing rocks , making me feel like I 'm going to fall out . It 's awful . But I didn 't want Teresa to know I didn 't like them , especially since she did . So we got on the ride . It was dusk , as the sun had just gone down . After a few nail - biting rotations , with me trying to keep my cool , we were the only ones on the ride . The attendant decided he wanted us to have a romantic ride , so he let it go for what seemed like 20 minutes . It wasn 't that long , but it was longer than I wanted to be on it . I just couldn 't relax , and all Teresa wanted to do was cuddle . I started to sweat . She finally could sense that something was wrong , and I told her I hated the Ferris Wheel . She laughed , but she also understood , and we were able to catch the attendant 's attention so we could get off . Once off , I actually got down and kissed the ground . Thank you , my Lord , for this wonderful day with my incredible family ! Prayers for those less fortunate , or hurting in any way , and to America 's troops all over the world who are not able to be with their families , and to my friends , extended family , coworkers , colleagues , Steelers Nation in mourning , and for peace on Earth . Thank you , Lord , for health , safety , and happiness ! I 'm so thankful for friends and family ! My family means the world to me , and I love them so much . I 'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving Day with them . Mom is making a big dinner , Dad is making the pies . Sister Angie will be there , as well as my brother , Darren , and his fiancee , Erica , and her daughters , Brittany & Caitlin . Aunt Linda , Mom 's sister , is coming , too . It should be a great time for everyone . But I 'm also very thankful for friends . I received an invitation to an event that was held this afternoon and evening , and I 'm so disappointed that my daughter and I were not able to attend . It sounded like it would be a lot of fun , and I 'm sure it was . It was Pie Night . Everyone brings their favorite pie filling and some food to share , and they party and make pies . What a cool idea ! It 's an open house , too , which gives everyone a chance to spend time together and have a good time . I 've never heard of such a thing , though I was sharing it with a colleague at work today and he indicated that he had been to one recently , and he had a lot of fun ( and he 's not the type to have fun doing anything ! ) . I regret that we were not able to attend . I know we would have enjoyed it . Thanks , Amy , for the invitation ! So I returned to work today , and I knew it would be a challenging day , though I was hopeful that it might be quiet . My boss asked me to act for her today and Friday , so I was in the line of fire with regard to a lot of different issues , including unhappy employees , union disagreements , late data , and deadlines . I was a bit beaten down by the time it was time to leave for the day . Acting for the director is for the birds . But I 'm thankful for a wonderful job . When it was time to leave for the day , I hightailed it out of there . And I refuse to even look at my BlackBerry before Friday . Outside , it was spitting snow , and it was bitterly cold . And as soon as I pulled out of the parking garage , traffic was already backed up all the way down East West Highway . But I 'm thankful for my Jeep and 4 - wheel drive . I had to pick up my daughter at my in - laws place in Damascus , so I knew I had a long drive ahead of me , but I was hopeful , because I was taking a lot of back roads , I wouldn 't hit too much traffic . But I was wrong . The bad weather combined with it being the worst travel day of the year , and despite staying away from every interstate highway in the area , it took me well over an hour to get there . I was exhausted after getting stuck behind a motor home and a dozen cars all the way up Rt . 108 , averaging about 15 mph . About 2 miles from my in - laws house , the motor home turned off the road , just in time for a tractor trailer to pull out of a gravel driveway in front of all of the same cars that were stuck behind the motor home ! But I 'm thankful for the beautiful drive and the snowfall . I finally got to their house and thought she would be ready to go immediately . She wasn 't . In fact , after playing around for almost 20 minutes , she then announced she had to use the bathroom . My daughter doesn 't understand the meaning of the word " hurry " . 20 minutes later , and she was finally ready to go . It was already starting to get dark . We said our goodbyes and hit the road . But I 'm thankful for my wonderful in - laws . I again took all back roads , and we made pretty good time . We finally got home at 6 p . m . I was really tired , and all I could think about was grabbing a quick dinner and then maybe a little catnap . When we walked in the door , though , Faithful Pup Scout showed us how happy she was to have us home . Actually , it was more like how much she enjoyed being home by herself since 6 a . m . But I 'm thankful for my nice warm home . I place " pooch pads " on the kitchen floor for her to use when we have to go somewhere , and she uses them liberally . After using them once , though , the kitchen floor becomes her next target . Well , 12 hours was a little much for the little pup , and she left us gifts all over the kitchen . After taking her outside in the freezing cold , where she took about 5 minutes longer than she really needed , I had to mop the kitchen floor . But I 'm thankful for my dog . My daughter decided at that moment to tell me that she was hungry and wanted to know what was for dinner . I wish I had been a little nicer , but I told her that as soon as she caught something , I 'd cook it up . She asked me what I meant , and I told her to just wait and give me a chance to change my clothes and use the bathroom . Then I 'd take care of dinner . Did I mention how thankful I am for my daughter ? So it 's off to bed in a few minutes . I 'm tired , my daughter is tired , Faithful Pup Scout is asleep next to me on the couch . . . . And I really am so thankful that our Lord and Savior has blessed us with a good life . Matthew 16 : 23 - " But he turned and said to Peter , ' Get behind me , Satan ! You are a hindrance to me . For you are not setting your mind on the things of God , but on the things of man . ' " Patricia Graynamore : " I wonder where we 'll end up ? " Joe Banks : " Away from the things of man , my love . . . away from the things of man . " - JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANOIsaiah 41 : 10 - " So do not fear , for I am with you ; do not be dismayed , for I am your God . I will strengthen you and help you ; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand . " 1 Peter 5 : 10 - " And the God of all grace , who called you to his eternal glory in Christ , after you have suffered a little while , will himself restore you and make you strong , firm and steadfast . " Titus 2 : 7 - 8 - " In everything set them an example by doing what is good . In your teaching show integrity , seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned , so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us . " John 15 : 13 - " Greater love has no one than this , that he lay down his life for his friends . " Joshua 24 : 15 - " As for me and my house , we will serve the Lord . " James 1 : 2 - 4 - " Consider it pure joy , my brothers , whenever you face trials of many kinds , because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance . Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete , not lacking anything . " Philippians 4 : 8 - " Finally , brothers and sisters , whatever is true , whatever is noble , whatever is right , whatever is pure , whatever is lovely , whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things . " Luke 2 : 14 - " Glory to God in the highest , and on earth peace , good will toward men . " " Don 't judge a man by where he is , because you don 't know how far he has come . " - C . S . Lewis " Be courteous to all , but intimate with few , and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence . " - George Washington " No man is a failure who has friends . " - Clarence the Angel , IT ' S A WONDERFUL LIFE " Please watch out for each other and lovPictures used on this site are copyright Β© of their respective owners and will be removed upon request . Today was a nice day . The weather was gorgeous , clear with low humidity , and a nice breeze . I immediately was regretting that we had our b . . . I fell in love . Again . She 's wonderful . And beautiful . They always are . All of them . This time it 's Lauren Schneider . She . . . |
I know I 've been MIA lately , but I just don 't have anything interesting to say . This Christmas just didn 't even seem like Christmas . I didn 't have much Christmas spirit , that 's for sure . Now that Christmas has passed I actually feel better . December 21st came and went and I didn 't even notice ( that 's the day I found out I was pregnant ) . I can not believe it 's been two years . My husband and I are going away for New Years . The past two New Years have really sucked for us ( actually more than the past few ! ) . Two years ago I was pregnant and bleeding , and stuck in bed . Last year our cat was dying and we spent all day at the vet , then we fell asleep and missed our party . This year I 'm determined to make it a good New Years ! DETERMINED . I 'm looking forward to going away and spending time alone with my husband . 2009 was a better year than 2008 ( which wasn 't hard becase 2008 was , undoubtedly , the worst year of my life ! ) , but I 'm hoping that 2010 is even better . Have a happy and safe New Years everyone . I wanted a way to recognize Brenna on our Christmas cards again this year . I wasn 't sure how to do that , so I ended up putting a dragonfly next to our names . I 'm sure I will incorporate it into our cards every year . 4 comments : I think this past week was baby week . I can count at least four " rainbow " babies that were born last week . If I got back a month or so , there are tons that were born . I am happy for every single person who got to bring home a baby . That goes without saying . But after while , I just got . . . I don 't know . . . sick of hearing about it , I guess . I was tired of congratulating . Tired of well - wishing . It was the same thing over and over . They have what I want . Even though I am truely happy for them , I 'm tired of sharing in everyone else 's joy . I know that 's not very " Christmas - y " of me . But I 'm just being honest . I don 't even have anything to write these days . I am becoming a Grinch . I collect these figurines . My mom started buying them for me years ago . They don 't make them anymore , but I still have a pretty large collection . Everyday this week , my son has given me a new figurine . The best part is that a lot of thought was put into the figurine selected . Monday 's figurine was called " This Little Piggy Ate Roast Beef " and has a pig with a big sub sandwich . It made me laugh because I knew why they bought it . My son and I like to go to lunch at our favorite sub place . He always gets the beef . My week has been horrible , but I can 't help but feel loved . 1 comment : Wow . Remember when I said I was waiting for the other shoe to drop ? Well , it has . This month is horrible ! My brother - in - law 's house burned down on Sunday night . It was a beautiful old farmhouse that had been in the family for more than 100 years . Their three cats died . No one else was hurt , thank God , but they lost everything . It was heartbreaking to feel so helpless . There was nothing to do but watch it burn . Not that any of my problems compare to that , but this week month has just plain sucked . I had an emergency at work and my boss didn 't answer so I ended up having to go into work at 2 am Monday morning . I hadn 't slept , and I was totally exhausted and pissed . My husband 's car took a dump . It 's going to cost too much to fix it . He 's not working right now , so it looks like we will be a one car family for awhile . My washing machine ( which we just bought a few years ago ) burned up over the weekend . Oh , and our Christmas tree feel down - twice - yesterday . The ornament for my husband 's parents ( who are both deceased ) broke . This is just what has happened since friday . Seriously ! The other shoe has dropped ! It seems that everyone is moving on . Except me . Almost every single person I met on babycenter or who 's blog I read has went on to have another baby . People who didn 't think they would ever carry another child , have went on to have healthy babies . While I truely do feel joy for them , I can 't help but feel jealous . I can 't have that . While I really am greatful for my job , I can 't help but think every now and then that I shouldn 't be working . I should be home with a one year old . When I look at my son I feel incredible guilt that he does not have a sibling close in age . I feel like he 's been robbed of something special . I do not know why this Christmas is so hard for me . You would think the the first Christmas would have been the hardest . But this Christmas is brutal . I have been missing Brenna more than ever lately . It feels like everyone is moving one without me . I just don 't have much to say these days . I 'm not feeling very full of the Christmas spirit . My birthday is coming up . I 'm just feeling blah , and I 'm not much fun lately . I recently realized that I don 't sing in the car anymore . It used to be that whenever I was in the car by myself I would sing my heart out . If I was mad , belting out a song helped me feel better . If I was nervous , singing would help me relax . If I was happy , it made me happier . I am by no means a good singer . In fact , I suck . I still enjoyed singing in the car . But I don 't sing anymore . Not since I lost my baby . Tomorrow , on my way to work , I 'm turning up the radio and singing my little heart out ! Is everyone pregnant ? Because it seems that everyone I know is pregnant right now . It also seems that at least half of those were " accidents " . WTF ! ? ! I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop . The last time I was this content with my life was the day before all hell broke loose with Brenna . I remember going to bed on Monday March 3rd , and thinking how lucky we were . I actually remember thinking my life was damn near perfect . The next day I woke up sick , by nightfall I was dying . It hasn 't been the same since . But , lately , life is good . I am content . I have come to terms with the fact that I probably will never carry another child . I don 't love it . But I 'm OK with it . I like my job ( Just got a promotion even - and a raise ! ) . My son is doing well is school . My stepdaughter and grandson have moved back to our state . Things are just great . So I am nervous . I 'm waiting for the other shoe to drop . The last time I felt like this it was ripped away from me . I 'm afraid to be content again . It scares me . I don 't want to lose it again . An updated on my niece : she had the baby Wednesday night . They had a memorial for her yesterday . She chose to have a small , private memorial so I didn 't go . I still haven 't spoken to her yet . 1 comment : When my son was little I would take him on frequent trips back to my home town . The other day we were driving by a restaurant , and he told me he remembered the sign * : He said he remembered how when he was little he 'd tell me that the guy was a " bad boy " because he was shooting people . We laughed about it , because I remember that too . Yesterday we were driving with my four year old grandson Mason . We drove past that sign , and Mason saw it a block away . " Look at that guy " he said " he 's pointing guns at people . That 's not nice . " I looked at my son and he had a smile on his face . A moment later Mason said , " That guy is a bad boy , isn 't he ? " I looked over at my son who looked over at me and we smiled to each other . It was a really great moment . * I googled this picture , and I can 't believe I actually found it ! Today I am joining with Bloggers Unite to blog about a subject very close to my heart . I 'm supposed to blog about a baby that I love . Today I 'm going to tell you not about my baby that came too soon , but about my baby that came late . I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant . I remember when the nurse exclaimed " You 're pregnant ! " to me over the phone . I couldn 't speak . Dead silence . I remember before I had my blood drawn I kept wishing , even praying , that I wasn 't pregnant . It just seemed like the worst thing that could happen . In all honesty my boyfriend and I had only been dating about seven months . I barely knew him , really . He was a great guy , but I wasn 't sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with him . I was only 19 after all . I petrified to tell him . When I did he seemed happy , but I knew deep down he was freaking out like I was . I was especially afraid to tell my mom . She got pregnant for me when she was 18 , and I knew that wasn 't what she wanted for me . Especially when I hadn 't been dating my boyfriend that long , and especially because he was 35 years old and had a 9 year old daughter ! Not exactly the dream you envision for you teenage daughter . My mom was mad , but she quickly got over it . I 'm sure she was just trying to make the best of it . I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy . We never did find out the gender , but I knew it was a boy . I read stories about women who loved every minute of being pregnant . I was not one of those women . Although I was excited to be pregnant , I did not like the aches and pains that pregnancy brought . I especially did not like it when I watched my due date come and go with no sign of labor . Then the next week . Then the next . I was ready for the baby to come , but he had other plans . Apparently my uterus was quite comfy in those days , because I ended up have to be induced when I was 42 weeks pregnant . I honestly don 't remember much about labor . I think I 've blocked it all out . I remember looking at my mom and asking her , " Why didn 't you tell me it hurt this much ! ? ! " She said , Links to this post This year I will be participating in the Bloggers Unite Fight For Preemies on November 17th . I invited you to join also . Click on the link below for more info . No comments : Like it or not life goes on . When I started this blog it was about my struggle to move on after the stillbirth of my daughter . I was heart broken , and kept thinking of what life was going to be like without her . I named my blog Living Without Brenna because that was what I was doing . A year and a half later I am still living without her . But life goes on . Now I find that I don 't always blog about Brenna . I find myself blogging about what 's going on in my life , my thoughts on certain topics , my family , personal stories . I like the fact that I can look back over the past year or so and see what I was doing and when I was doing it . I 've written things that I never would have remembered if I hadn 't written them here . I can go back and read them and I instantly remember it happening . This is my online journal . My online journal . It 's not always about baby loss . But it is about my life . My life without Brenna . Everything that happens to me will happen without her . I don 't feel confined to write solely about her life / death and my feelings about it just because I started writing when she died . I write about my life . I share it publicly because I hope someone will read this and realize that life does go on . But it is my blog . I write what I want and I won 't apologize for it . I 've had several ( what Aunt Becky would call ) " trolls " lately . Anonymous commenters ( or emailers ) who feel the need to point out my poor spelling and / or personality traits . I 've always allowed anonymous comments , and I will continue to . I don 't make a habit of deleting comments , and I probably won 't . But the fact of the matter is that this is my blog , and if you don 't like what I 'm writing about you don 't have to read it . While I welcome everyone 's opinions , I certainly don 't appreciate the notion that just because I had a stillborn child that is all I can blog about . Because life goes on . I am more than just a deadbabymama . When I was 16 I had a serious boyfriend . His name was " Don " and he was a total prick . I apparently had a thing for " bad boys " which turned out to be what I would now call " losers " . Don was one of these . He skipped school . Smoked pot . Had no curfew . All the things that scared the shit out of my mother . Don also expected sex . If he didn 't get laid in the first month he 'd dump the girl . I made it very clear from day one that he wasn 't getting that from me . ( And he didn 't ! ) I don 't know if he saw that as a challenge or if he really had feelings for me , but he stayed with me for a long time , even though we weren 't having sex ( or anything even close to sex ! ) . Around this same time I rekindled a friendship with my oldest friend . We had went to the same preschool together , then the same private school , and ended up at the same high school . We grew up a few blocks apart , and I have many memories of playing with her as a child . We rode the same bus , and many times I 'd go to her house after school . Her name was " Candy " . We started hanging out more and more , and had fun together . One day I was riding with my step - dad to pick up my mom from work . I remember it clear as day : We drove past Candy 's house and as we pass it I see Candy and Don kissing on her front porch . I calmly asked my step - dad to pull over . He pulled into the next driveway . I got out of the car . As soon as Candy saw me she ran in the house . Don came towards me and tried to laugh it off . I can 't remember what I said , but I 'm sure it wasn 't nice . I basically told him I hated him . I broke up with him , got back in the car and ordered my poor step - dad to drive away . Don tried to call me and make up . We 'd broken up and got back together 100 times like you do when you 're in high school . This time I just wouldn 't budge . The only reason she had even met him was because of me , and they had probably onlytalked 5 times . I was really hurt that she did that to me . She was someone I knew since I was three years old . I didn 't talk to her either . Until about a month later when she8 comments : I am so happy to share with you all that Jen 's son little Cooper has made it into this world safe and sound . I remember the first time I read Jen 's story back in August of last year . She had suffered a rupture , just like I had . She holds a special place in my heart . We both only have one fallopian tube , the left one , and we jokingly call ourself Team Lefty . : ) Welcome to the world little man , a lot of people have been waiting for you . I have a friend that I work with , I will call her " J " . She is one of my favorite people in the world . She is so upbeat and happy . She 's a honest person . Hard worker . She doesn 't have a lot in life , but she is happy with what she has . I just really like her a lot . Her husband has terminal cancer . In fact , he has end stage cancer , and will probably not be here for Christmas . She is ( obviously ) broken up over this , and my just breaks for her . Due to a bunch of red tape he lost his life insurance , and now she is going to have to pay for his funeral as well . An expense she didn 't foresee . Even with all of this , she comes to work with a smile on her face . Telling jokes and making everyone around her laugh . She is a true joy to be around . I want to be more like her . My work is holding a fundraiser for her next week . I think it is the least we can do for her . Would you please keep J and her husband in your prayers . Hospice has come in to administer pain meds for him . They have a very rough few weeks ahead of them . I usually go grocery shopping on the weekends . It seems that everyone in the free world is shopping at my local grocery store on the weekends , so I don 't like to go shopping on the weekends . Unfortunately , this is the only time I have , so lately I 've been going late at night . I 've also been dragging my husband with me . We like to go late at night because the 24 - hour Store is almost empty at , say , 11 p . m . Works for me . In and out . A few weeks ago we were shopping late at night . We hadn 't seen any other shoppers , and had the place to ourselves . I was picking out a spaghetti sauce , which is a task I take pretty seriously . My husband came down the isle behind me , just as I reach up to a high shelf and let a huge fart rip . I wasn 't that worried about it because no one else was around us . " Wow ! " I said " That was disgusting ! " A second later it began to smell . " Ew ! What did I eat ! ? ! " I laughed a little laugh , and concentrated on my spaghetti sauce . " What kind do you like ? " I asked my husband . He didn 't answer me and I turned around and asked him again . There , looking at me with horror , was a man I had never seen before . I face instantly turned red . " Oh , I 'm sorry " I said " I thought you were my husband . " As if shitting my pants is OK as long as my husband is around ! He didn 't say anything to me , just starred at me . I abandoned the spaghetti sauce and ran down the isle to my husband who had no idea what had just happened . Of course we ran into that guy two more times , and I couldn 't even look him in the eye . I only had 75 days with her . It took my awhile to find out I was pregnant , because the thought seemed so crazy to me . I hadn 't even considered it . It wasn 't until she was making me vomit every second of every day that I realize I may have a baby in there . I did . 75 days later , I didn 't . I don 't cry everyday anymore , but I still cry . It just doesn 't seem fair . I am happy with my life right now , but I can 't help but think that it shouldn 't be like this . It should be different . She should be here . If she was here , life would be very different right now . I can 't help but think that . 75 days just isn 't long enough . ( Does everyone celebrate Sweetest Day or is that something we celebrate only here in the North ? ) " I love you not only for what you are , but for what I am when I am with you . I love you not only for what you have made of yourself , but for what you are making of me . I love you for the part of me that you bring out . " - Roy Croft " Whatever our souls are made of , mine and his are the same . " - Emily Bronte I 'm still here . I just don 't have much to say these days . I 'm sure it 's because October 15th is tomorrow , but I 've been missing Brenna lately . I find myself actually feeling angry that some terrible people have 10 kids easily , and some good people can 't have one . I am having a hard time with it , and I think it will always be something I struggle with . My friend K 's husband is not doing well . He is off the vent , but the doctors are not very hopeful that he will have any sort of qu . ality of life . My heart is broken for her . It 's strange . Four months ago when her babies were born I would have switched places with her in a second . Now I wouldn 't want to take her place in a million years . Funny how life changes in the blink of an eye . I 'll be thinking of you and your babies tomorrow . I will be lighting a candle at 7pm , and thinking of all of you . How long are you supposed to mourn ? This is something we have all thought about . Will something always remind us and make the wound fresh again ? Is this always going to be a part of me ? Is this how I am now ? Forever ? Today I 'm going to direct you over to Heather 's Dad . He said it better than I ever could . Shame on me for not saying Thank You earlier . I 've been wanting to thank Crystal Theresa for remembering Brenna . It was such a thoughtful thing she did for us . It really touched my heart . THANK YOU ! I finally found a car . We picked it up yesterday . I didn 't really want a red car , because I owned a red car for two years and I recieved 3 speeding tickets ( once I wasn 't even speeding - honestly ! ) . I 've owned my silver car for 5 years and got zero speeding tickets . ( Even though I speed way more often now than I did then ! ) . While I love the color , it wasn 't my first choise . But this car had everything I wanted ( and then some ) and the price was right . I couldn 't pass it up . Isn 't it funny how a thing like a car can just make your day week ? I ate a taco salad today . I haven 't eaten one since I was pregnant with Brenna . I distinctly remember my husband bringing it home for me , and me telling him how much the baby liked taco salad . After I lost her I couldn 't eat one . I ate one at work today . Sitting at my desk , all I could think about was the last time I ate one . The last time when she was still with me . Before I entered deadbabyland I had never heard the term Shadow Baby . I had no idea what it meant . For those of you lucky enough not to know , a Shadow Baby is a baby / child in your life that is close in age to what your child would have been . For most women it 's the child of someone with whom they were pregnant at the same time . The child that lived when theirs didn 't . My shadow baby is a boy . I think that makes it easier . His mother and I were due literally two weeks apart . She sent flowers to Brenna 's funeral . When I saw her , a month before our due date ( Did I just say our ? ) I could barely look at her . It killed me to see her . It was a Fourth of July party . I ended up drinking too much , and crying all the way home . I didn 't go to her baby shower . When she had him , I was happy he was born alive and healthy . They were over the moon in love with him . I couldn 't blame them . The first few times I saw him I could barely look at him . I put a smile on my face , and died inside . " Want to see him " his aunt asked me . I shook my head no . She looked at me knowingly , and said she was sorry . I felt like an ass . He came to our family Easter this year , which was weird because he 's not family . I was pissed at them . I was mad that they were bringing him without any acknowledgement of my feelings . They should know . But , it was my problem - not theirs . I had to accept this baby as a part of my life . I couldn 't avoid him forever . I should not , could not expect people to tip toe around me forever ! ! ! ! It was ridiculous for me to feel that way , and I knew it . But I couldn 't help feeling like it should be her first Easter and instead he was the center of attention . I didn 't hold him tha2 comments : We were once close friends . We met in high school , and had some great times together . After graduation our lives took different paths . I had a baby , she went to college . She was the maid of honor in my wedding . We 've stayed in contact , but have drifted apart over the last few years . When you have a baby at a young age it 's a strain on the friendships with your childless friends . We had fun when we were together , but we really didn 't have anything in common anymore . We still talked , but not everyday - or even every month ! I sent her an email when I lost Brenna . I let her know what happened . I tried to tell her how serious it was . Her response ? " Sorry to hear that " . When I next saw her I had just had my tattoo done , and showed her Brenna 's name on my foot . She didn 't even comment on it . It was painfully awkward . It would be a year before I saw her again . This time at her wedding . ( To a man I had never met ) . She looked fabulous . We talked for awhile . The friendship was still there . Like we hadn 't missed anything . I realized I missed her . She sent me an email a few months ago . " I wanted you to know . I 'm pregnant . We 're not telling people yet , but I wanted you to know . " I congratulated her . I was truly happy for her . I am happy for her . She 's waited a long time for this . Last week she asked me , " Can I ask you about Brenna ? " I said " Of course " . She told me she 's been thinking about her a lot these days . Now that she 's pregnant . Now that she knows what it 's like . She told me she has been looking at Brenna 's pictures on my facebook . She asked me a lot of questions . I told her the whole story . We talked for a long time , and it felt good . I suppose I should be angry at her . Bitter that she didn 't acknowledge my pain . Didn 't offer a shoulder to cry on . Ignored the whole situation . I should have cut her out of my life long ago . But , I can 't . It 's not her fault that she doesn 't know . If the tables were reversed I can 't say I would have known what to say . I doubt I would have rushed to her side . Unless you 've been there you have no i5 comments : Today is our Anniversary . I can not believe we 've been married this long . I still remember the first day I met my future husband . I honestly had no idea I would one day marry him . Our life together has not been perfect . At times it 's been down right horrible . But we 've always stuck together . Pushed through . I had someone recently ask me how we managed to stay together and be happy when there were so many things against us . I didn 't know what the answer was . Now that I think about it , I think I know : Divorce has never been an option . There was a time when things were not well . I really thought about leaving . Once I decided that was not something I was willing to do , then I had to look for ways to fix the things that were wrong in our relationship . It didn 't happen overnight . It wasn 't all sunshine and rainbows . But it worked . When we both committed to fixing our problems , we found solutions . I treat my husband like a stranger . If I bumped into a stranger in the store , I 'd say " Excuse me " . If someone I didn 't know picked up something I dropped I 'd tell them " Thank you " . I was surprised at how many people didn 't do those things for their spouses . I think it 's sad to see people treat strangers better than they treat their own family ! I just don 't understand it . If my husband does something for me I tell him thank you . If I accidental ram into him with the cart I tell him I 'm sorry . I 'm polite to him , and he is to me . It 's really not that big of a deal , but you 'd be surprised how many people don 't do it . ( Perfect example of this : Kate Gosselin . I used to watch that show and wonder why her husband put up with the way she spoke to him . She spoke down to her husband in a way that she would never have done to a stranger . I was not surprised when they separated . ) I learned it 's OK to be wrong . This was a big one for me . For some reason I had this thing were I always had to be right . Even if I was wrong , and I knew I was wrong , I couldn 't admit it . It took a long time ( and lots of arguments ) for me to realize it 's OK to be wron5 comments : Have you seen my Aunt Flo ? Because I seem to have lost her . She has been coming later and later these days . It is driving me insane . The anxiety of why this is happening , coupled with the 10 - day - PMS - a - thon and you have one very unhappy Holli . And my husband isn 't so happy either . On the plus side my insurance is totalling my car ! We don 't owe anything on it , so I will be able to buy a new ( to me ) car and not have a payment . : ) My week went something like this : Worked a 50 hour work week . Went school clothes shopping where I had to force my son to pick something out . Anything ! " You can 't go to school naked " I reminded him about 100 times . I took him to American Eagle and told him he could pick out anything he wanted . He picked out two tee shirts . I hated them both . Bought myself a pair of Nike Shox . I thought they would be weird to wear , but actually they are pretty comfy . Especially when I have to be on my feet all day . Gave all three dogs a bath . Blow dried two of them . I went to the drive - in movies with my husband , son , and grandson . We saw two movies . One was G - Force , the other Post Grad . I have no idea why they were showing these movies together because Post Grad was obviously not a movie for kids . But by the Post Grad showed the little guy was asleep , and our 12 year old has probably heard worse things on TV so it wasn 't horrible . I wouldn 't watch either of those movies again by the way . Switched cell phone providers . Let 's see if I like this one . As previously posted I hit a deer , or rather , a deer hit me . Checked out new cars ( see above ) . Nursed the wound on one of my dogs . She got into a fight with a skunk . The skunk won . Not only did she stink , she has a would on her leg . Poor baby , I feel so bad for her . She was trying to protect our chickens . Pepe La Pew wanted to eat them . Ate an entire jar of kalamata olives in one day . Watched two other movies on Video On Demand : State of Play and Duplicity . I like these movies significantly better than the ones was saw at the drive in . Slept in until 10 am for the past three days . Looked at about 30 new blogs . I really miss blog - surfing ! Cleared out my Google Read , and my in box . Both were in the 300 's . Right now , I 'm eating a few cheez - its while I type this . Then I 'm headed to bed . Nighty - night ! My heart is literally breaking right now . Please offer words of encouragement to Mirne and Craig , who lost thier third child today . Jethro Craig Wilhelm , Baby Jet , died this morning . He never even made it home from the hospital . This is the worst nightmare of every single one of us in deadbabyland . While in Chicago I had a revelation . I was taking a break at one of the many museums we went to . My husband and son had run off together to do something fantastic that I wasn 't interested in . While I waited for them to come back I just stood back and watched people . I saw lots of cute kids running around . I began to think about what it would be like to have another baby . I was thinking about what another baby would look like . Just then an adorable kid with the curliest hair I 've ever seen came walking by . I thought to myself , " I want Brenna to have hair like that . " That thought was quickly followed by " What did I just say ? " It dawned on me that I was not thinking about another baby . I was thinking about her . When I picture myself having another baby I actually picture her . Right then and there I realized that my want for another baby was actually more about wanting her . If I am really honest , I have to admit that one of the reasons I want another baby is because I think it will fill the hole that losing her created . It 's not easy or fun to admit that . But it is the truth . While I 'm at it I must also admit that I am selfish . When I am sad about Brenna 's death , I 'm sad for me , not her . I know she is OK . I am sad because I want her here with me . And that is so selfish . But I am only human . I have always wanted a baby girl . I had dreams for her . I was over the moon when I found out I was pregnant . When she died it was the lowest point of my life . I lost those dreams . I was sad for me , because I would never see those dreams fulfilled . I 've been on this grief ride for a long time now . I know how it works . When you think you 're fine you realize you aren 't . When you think you can 't take it anymore , you realize you can . Lately , I 've been thinking about her alot . I 'm not sure why . Nothing has happened to make me miss her more . I just do . We are back from Chicago . I really need this week off . It was good to get away and just relax . So much better . We packed a lot of things into those few days . We were tourists to the max , and hit every tourist trap in Chicago . A few times I caught myself watching other families with toddlers . I wondered how our vacation would be different if we had a one - year - old with us . When we were waiting to board our train they let families with small children board first . I was angry because we should have been boarding with them . But we weren 't . It didn 't spoil my mood or anything . We still had fun . But I still thought about it plenty of times . Deadbabyland is a shitty , shitty place to be . 4 comments : Growing up I didn 't like anything about the country . I hated dirt , I didn 't like horses , and I liked being in a neighborhood . When my mom married my stepdad we moved from the middle of the city to a subdivision outside of the city . It might as well have been 500 miles away . I didn 't like being away from my friends . I missed sidewalks . When I met my future husand I was 18 , living on my own . In the city . I liked it . He told me he grew up in the country . It was a place I had never even heard of . I had no idea what or where he was talking about . Even when he took me to visit I still didn 't know where it was . All I knew is that there wasn 't even a stop light in his home town , and what they called The Grocery Store had the same things in stock as 7 - 11 ( By the way - there wasn 't a 7 - 11 for miles ! ) . To say I wasn 't impressed would be an understatment . Then my ( future ) father in law had a stroke . And he died . My mother in law was left on the farm , and she needed help . My husband had a home next door to her 's that he usually rented out . But , as luck would have it , the tenants had just moved out and it was empty . So we moved in " for six months " to help her with the " animals " ( read : sheep . Yes , sheep . ) Thirteen years later we are still here , and the sheep have been eaten . My first few months years here were not easy . I longed for my old life . Especially when I was pregnant . I missed my family . I didn 't really know anyone , and the people I did know I didn 't click with . We had zero in common . My high school had four times as many people as the entire population of the town we live in . It was a major adjustment . Then my son started school , and I met people I had things in common with . I got involved in several committees . I started to embrace the country for it 's positives . I loved the fact that my son could play outside all day and I didn 't have to worry about him . My stepdaughter couldn 't fart without it getting back to me before she got home . ( Everyone knew everyone , and everything about everyone . ) I actually started to like iLinks to this post We went to a wedding this past weekend . About 6 years ago , the groom 's best friend was killed in a car accident . I remember it well , because he was friends with my stepdaughter , and she called home in tears the night he died . I did not know the boy 's mother at the time , but I have recently met her . We were at a function together this summer , and she started talking about her son . I saw the uncomfortable looks of the people around us . I ignored them . She shared her story about her son . She bragged about him as if he was still alive . The other people in the group shifted in their seats , clearly uneasy . I know the look from experience . We talked about her son , and I purposely asked questions about him . The thing that strikes me about this boy and his best friend ( the groom ) is that the groom has never forgotten him . Even all these years later , he still remembers him in everything he does . At the wedding they played a song for him ( one of many ) and the DJ announced it was for TZ ( his initials ) . It wasn 't a sad , slow song like one would expect . It was a dance song , and I thought it was fitting . His mom was sitting at the table next to me , and as soon as they said TZ I looked over at her . The song begins with no real music , just the words " It 's been so long . That I haven 't seen your face . I 'm trying to be strong . But the strength I have is washing away . " As soon as the first words were sung , she lifted her head up and closed her eyes . As if those words were painful and healing at the same time . I knew what she was feeling . I knew she was thinking about her son all night long . I knew that she was thinking how she would never be at his wedding . I knew it was painful . In the middle of the song she turned to her husband and said , " I want to go home " . My heart just broke for her . But I also know that she knows how loved her son was , and I know that must bring her great comfort . I have not been around much these past few weeks . I 'm just working , and things have been crazy . I 'm loving have the new puppy . It 's like having a baby in the house . She is a pure joy , and so well behaved . Everyone marvels at how well behaved she is . Even my old Daisy has taken to her . They 've started playing which , if you knew Daisy , is huge . She has never liked puppies , but she loves Rosie . We are going to Chicago for a few days next week . I love Chicago , and can 't wait to go back . We 're taking the train , which I 've never done before , so that should be an experience . Tickets and hotel are booked , so we are ready . ( My mom is watching the dogs ) . My husband is on a laundry strike . He read this post . I didn 't even know he really read my blog to be honest with you . I figured he 'd never even see that post . I didn 't realize I said I " hated " the way he folds laundry . I guess I should clarify ( in case he ever reads again ! ) that I am very particular about my clothes , and I like my laundry folded a certain way . He folds a different way . By all means if you are reading this , and have a need to wash clothes , don 't let me stop you ! : ) Lots has been happening . There have been a hundred times that something has happened and I find myself writing a post in my head about it , but I just don 't have or take the time to write it out . To make up for the most boring update of all time I will share this little nugget of my family . Yes , that is my husband in a shell bra . I know you don 't recognize me , but that is me there with the beautiful green fro . Let me explain . For the past ten years , a town in Michigan has been having the Cheeseburger Festival . This year 's parade brought 60 , 000 people into a town of about 3 , 000 . Seriously . We put together a float for my work , and drove up to the festival . I have never been there and did not know what to expect . Let me just say it was one of the funnest days I 've had all summer . Even my ( very ) conservative mother got in on the festivities . Thank God my son when home with her , because I ended up having t1 comment : Sunday , the day after Brenna 's due date , we went sight seeing since we were out of town for a family reunion . I browsed a little gift shop while my husband used the bathroom . A picture of dragonflies caught my eye . I took a minute to look at it , and it was a pad of paper with dragonflies all over it . There across the top it said , " Forget Me Not " . I 'm not a big believer is " signs " , but sometimes there is no doubt . Brenna 's due date came and went without much notice . My period arrived , just as predicted . I thought about the day a few times , but it was not nearly as awful as it was last year . It 's amazing how time really does heal the heart . I did find myself thinking that we should have been celebrating her first birthday . I also skipped the first part of our family reunion - the part where we read last years minutes - because I knew they would be reading her name , and I didn 't want to be there for the awkward silence that was sure to follow . I didn 't shed one tear . I didn 't really feel horribly sad . More , I felt like I was missing out on something . Missing out on her birthday , missing out on having a one - year - old running around . I let myself think for a second what camping with a one - year - old would have been like . I also thought about all the things we had done that weekend that we couldn 't have done with a toddler in tow . But those are things that I think about during everyday life , it had nothing to do with the day . After such a depressing post , here are a few vacation pictures to cheer you up ! Mackinaw Bridge , connects the Upper Penninsula and Lower Penninsula of Michigan . My grandson and my husband 's cousin . Please excuse the wife - beater and long hair . ( The teen years are going to kill me ! ) My Daisy dog has been to 10 famiy reunions ! This was Rosie 's * first reunion ( of many ! ) . Grilling lakeside . Just for fun ! * Did I mention that we changed Dolly 's name to Rosie ? Brendan came home from camp , and decided that she was a Rosie , so we changed it . August 8th ( 8 / 8 / 08 ) was my original due date with Brenna . I was farther along than they thought , but I still think of August 8th as her due date . Last year on her due date I started the most horrible period . Painful , heavy , horrible period . It was like Mother Nature was mocking me . Reminding me of what I didn 't have . This year my body is out of whack . I haven 't had a period in six weeks ( no , I 'm most defiantly not pregnant ) . Right now I have PMS like you would not believe ( my poor husband ! ) . I know Aunt Flo is on her way . I have a feeling she 's going to show up on Saturday , just to remind me again of what I don 't have . Wonderful . ( Note : In case you don 't remember my stepdaughter 's mother died when she was young . ) A few days ago we were in the car with my son and grandson . Out of the blue my 3 - year - old grandson blurts out " My mom 's mom is dead . " Something like that might have made me freeze up with awkwardness , but I know that wasn 't the right thing to do . Instead I said , " She is ? That 's very sad . But she 's in heaven . " " Yes " he told me , " My dad told me that " . My husband and son didn 't say a word , and I looked over at my husband in the driver 's seat and he had tears in his eyes . He has had to deliver the most devastating news to the two women in his life : First , when he had to tell his daughter that her mother was gone . Then , years later , he had to tell his wife that their daughter was gone . I can 't even imagine how horrible that was for him . Before Brenna , I didn 't realize how easy it was to be thrown back to that day . Now I know there are reminders everywhere . Looking at my husband I realized that when Mason talked about his grandma he would never know , it took my husband back to when she died . I reached over and held his hand , as tears slipped down his cheek . I chair a local festival , and it 's happening this weekend . I am busier than you can imagine . I 'm also feeling like crap , so it 's making for a very loooong weekend . I have lots of things I want to share on here , I just can 't seem to find the time to write them ! So my husband read this post and thought some things were about him , and they weren 't . So here are 10 14 Things I Wish I Would Say To My Husband But Haven 't . 1 . You are one of my most favorite people in the world . 2 . I have never loved anyone like I love you , and I can 't imagine that I ever would . 3 . Sometimes you are a slob , and it really pisses me off . 4 . I hate how you fold laundry . I wish you 'd just wash dishes instead . 5 . If I come home to find 10 loads of unfolded laundry laying on our bed ( again ! ) I will hurt you . 6 . Thanks for never saying anything about me gaining weight . 7 . Sometimes I really don 't treat you well , and then I get pissed at myself for it . 8 . I love the way I laugh when I 'm with you . It 's a laugh that only you bring out of me , and I love that . 9 . I 'd rather go out with you than the girls . I have fun with you . I know some of my friends are jealous of that - and I like it that way ! 10 . When I first met you I never thought we 'd date let alone get married ! 11 . I know that because of our age difference I will probably live a significant portion of my " golden years " without you . It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it . 12 . You are the one person in this world who has the ability to crush me beyond repair . 13 . Losing a child brought us closer together . I didn 't even know that was possible . 14 . You still give me butterflies . I just don 't have anything to say lately . Instead , I will distract you will baby pictures ! A week and a half ago I went in to feed Brendan 's chinchillas and I discovered the girl had a baby . I had no idea she was pregnant since she hasn 't been with a male since she gave birth in March . Back then I seperated them right away like you are supposed to , but I guess I didn 't do it fast enough because she popped out TWINS ! They are so adorable . They are both small , but one is freakishly small . Of course , he 's Brendan 's favorite . We 're considering all names if you have any ideas . Let me take a minute from my whine - fest to welcome Riley Grace to the world . After suffering two consecutive losses , her parents finally brought home their little girl . Take a minute to see how cute she is . Congrats to Mrs . Muelly ( and Mr . Muelly too ! ) . My son 's been going to swimming lessons for the last five weeks . Today his instructor and I had this conversation : Her : " It 's funny . My name is almost like his . B - R - E - N - N - A . Brenna . " Me : Awkward silence where I try to appear normal . Not quite a conversation , but painful as all hell . Que tears that I fight off for the rest of the hour . Couple that with the adorable little girl with blond ringlets and a pink bathing suit that I had to walk behind for five minutes out to the car and you have got yourself one very . shitty . day . I don 't know why , but tonight I just can 't stop crying . I 'm hating envious of all the pregnant people I know IRL . Most days I 'm OK with not having another baby , but some days ( like today ) I want nothing more . I can 't imagine living the rest of my life feeling this way . When my uterus ruptured it was obviously a very serious medical emergency . I tend to be a mother hen , and even in the condition I was in , I was still worried about how my family members would take the news . Would they be OK ? My grandma was in the hosptial at the time with a heart problem . We were all worried that the news would ( seriously ) kill her . My mom waited a day to tell her , and then told her before she got discharged from the hospital because she was worried the news would make Grandma panic , and possibly cause her complications . Of course she was upset . We 've always been close , and she was so excited to be having another great - grandbaby . ( I never told her we planned on giving Brenna the middle name Louise , which is Grandma 's middle name . ) She took the news better than we expected , and she called me at the hospital . I was 50 miles away , so she couldn 't come see me , but once she knew I was OK she felt better . One of the other people I worried about was my youngest brother . He is a lot younger than I am , so I have always considered myself a second mom to him . I knew that this was going to affect him deeply . He worked third shift and couldn 't come see me until Friday . He spent almost the whole day at the hospital . I could tell that he was very concerned , and that he was really hurting . He is very close with my son , and I knew that he was really excited about me having another baby . I also guessed that he was feeling guilty ( even though he shouldn 't have ) because a few days before he had told me that he hoped I didn 't have a girl because he wanted another nephew . Then she died , and you don 't have to be Einstein to know that he was thinking about what he said to me . I showed her picture to him , and we talked about her , but really there wasn 't anything I could do to make him feel better . I was worried about him when he left . He has a history of drinking too much when he is in pain . When he said that he was going out that night I had a terrible feeling . It was confirmed the next day . I went home on Saturday . I can ' 3 comments : 10 Things I wish I could say to people , but don 't . I 'm not going to tell you who the person is , just want I want to say . 1 . I know , and I don 't care . I understand why you did it , and I wish you would know that you can tell me . The only reason I don 't bring it up is because I don 't want to hurt you . 2 . I think you are a bitch , and I don 't trust you at all . 3 . I worry that you aren 't going to go to heaven . 4 . I 'm proud of our relationship . I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments . 5 . I 'm afraid to live my life without you . 6 . Your breath stinks . All the time . 7 . I still love you . I 'm afraid I always will . 8 . I 'm afraid that something I 've done ( or will do ) will screw you up forever . 9 . You are one of the nicest people I 've ever met . Now , stop letting people take advantage of you ! ! ! ! 10 . I am embarassed to know you . OK . Now it 's your turn ! If you know me IRL you know that I tend to have many opinions . I usually keep them to myself unless you ask , or unless the situation requires my intervention . This whole Michael Jackson thing is one of those time I just can 't keep my opinions to myself . I 've tried . Let 's face it , it 's really none of my business , and I don 't know him . All I know is what I read or see on TV ( which has been A LOT these days ) . I can 't help but feel that since his death MJ has been turned into some sort of saint . It really bothers me that the same people who had convicted him in the media five years ago , are now singing his praises and crying for him on TV . I 'm not going to debate whether he was a child molester . The truth is I don 't know - and neither do any of you . None of us were there . The crap you see on TV isn 't enough to form an educated opinion on . ( Although there are many things that make me wonder . ) All I do know is that MJ had a tragic life . I have no doubt that he was an abused child who didn 't get a childhood . ( His father used his death as a tool to promote a record lable ! How sad . ) I have no doubt that this damaged him in some way . He obviously had issues . It is not normal for a 44 year old man to sleep in the same bed as children and call it " charming " . I don 't care who you are - that is not normal . But he did not live a normal life . He surrounded himself with people who would never tell him no . He could have whatever he wanted in this world , and there was never anyone to tell him it was wrong , or too much , or abnormal . He wanted a moneky , he got one . He wanted kids , he ( in my opinion ) bought them . I really think that he did not understand the normal boundaries that you and I understand . I also think that he had a soft heart . I think he felt sorry for people who were less fortunate than he was . I truly feel that he did some wonderful things with his money . He knew what it was like to be abused . I think he connected with children who had suffered like he did . I do not think he knew how to be an adult . He was very child - like . Woul4 comments : I really don 't want to have a repeat of last year where I drank too much and then cried all the way home after the fireworks . I don 't understand why I was crying either , because that was one of the funnest nights in my life . Seriously , I still look at those pictures and laugh . We just had a ton of fun that night . I think it was the coming home part . I didn 't want to leave . I didn 't want to go back to my life . I was tired of being sad , and if you mix sad and alcohol . . . watch out . I am not a sad drunk , I am not a crier . It was very unusual for me , and I don 't plan on repeating it . This year I just feel different . I 'm happy . I have things I am looking forward too . Last year , I couldn 't say that . I 'm not even close to the person I was this time last year . I feel like the old me . I laugh all the time . I enjoy life . I am happy . I still think of Brenna every single day . Usually many times a day . But thinking of her doesn 't immediately make me want to cry . I have just accepted it as part of my life . As part of me . I can not change it . I don 't think I would want to anyway . Have a SAFE Fourth Of July . Last month one of my clients had a baby and I sent her a flower / plant to her office to congratulate her . Today I received a thank you note in the mail . It said thank you and went on to say how every time she looks at the plant she thinks of how lucky she is to have this little bundle of joy in her life , how in love they are , and how adorable the baby is . I was surprised by how much that note bothered me . It didn 't bother me at all when she had the baby . It didn 't bother me to go pick out a gift . I didn 't think twice about it . I don 't know if it was because I wasn 't expecting it . . . For whatever reason that card made me feel sick to my stomach . Just when I think I am OK , something happens that makes me realize I will never be over the loss of my daughter . I will always feel a twinge of pain every time I hear the words " dead baby " . I think that as long as I live , I will keep having these little surprise twinges of pain . I guess that 's just one of the perks of being a deadbabymom . Let me clarify from my last post that I don 't make it a habit to swear at my husband . Not even when I 'm angry . I also have never thrown anything at him in our entire life . I was just so mad and relieved at the same time I lost it for a second . ( I was also about 40 feet away from him , and knew I didn 't have a shot in hell of hitting him . ) _______________________________ I also have to share this little nugget I found at Post Secret . I just love it . The worst possible thing happened to me today : I came home from work , and no one was home . My husband has a golf league and leaves right before I get home , but my 12 year old should have been there . The TV is one . His laptop is open . The dishwasher is running . The back door is open . He is no where to be found . His shoes are by the door . He couldn 't be far . I call him , and look all over the house . Nothing . I call the neighbor - hasn 't seen him . I call his friend 's mom - no answer . I call the neighbor - hasn 't seen him . I walk around outside , and really start to worry . He 's no where . I call my stepdaughter - she hasn 't seen him . I keep calling my husband 's cell phone - he doesn 't answer . That isn 't unusual because he doesn 't have service on the golf course . I go back in the house and notice that the deadbolt is locked on the front door . If someone came , they would have to come to the back , and the dogs would have let everyone around know someone was here . I go next door ( the house is literally in my back yard ) and ask them if the the dogs have barked . I know they would go insane if anyone came to our house . Nope . They 've been quiet all day . I go to the other neighbor and then the other . No one has seen him . The old lady down the road and another neighbor come out and start calling for him with me . I walk all over our property looking for him . Thinking maybe he fell and broke a leg . Nothing . I notice his track shoes are missing . I think maybe he took of running and hurt himself . There 's only one road , and you can see for at least a mile each way , and I can 't see anything . If he went that way he 's not there anymore . I keep trying to call my husband . He isn 't answering . I try to find the golf course number in the book , and I can 't think straight . By this time I 'm praying , and sick to my stomach . I literally think I 'm going to throw up . I don 't get panicky easily , but by now I 'm full on panicked . I finally sit down on the deck and find the golf course number . I call and they tell me he left early because of the rain . Great , 4 comments : I read on Yahoo ( my only source of news ) that Billy Mays ( the Oxi Clean guy ) died . I was just watching a commercial of his . I hardly ever see commercials anymore ( thank you DVR ) but I was watching one of his and I wondered why he was yelling every word . It was like he was so geeked up by the Kaboom that he couldn 't contain himself . He did have an energy that I admired though . The article I read said he died in his sleep . If I had to choose , that 's how I would want to go . ____________________________ Update on my missing dog : Someone contacted me this morning and said her mom lives a few miles away from me . She said that her mom had a female chihuahua that looked a lot like ours , and that her 's was also stolen from her yard . It happened Saturday while she was having a yard sale . I am really , really bothered by this . It was almost more comforting when I thought he was probably dead . At least then I knew he wasn 't afraid , and no one was hurting or neglecting him . Now I wonder what kind of wierdo he is with , and hope that they aren 't being mean to him . I keep asking my husband why couldn 't they have taken our bad dog . Why 'd they take the good one ? Even if you are living under a rock , you know by now that Michael Jackson is dead . Am I the only one who is bothered by all this media coverage talking about how sad his death is . These are the same reporters who were ready to burn him at the stake four years ago when he was on trial for child molestation . Hello ? Remember that ? He was like public enemy number one . Now he is like Jesus himself . I just don 't get it . The man was a performer . I 'll give him that . He was amazing , and I don 't think we 'll ever see another performer like Michael Jackson in my lifetime . But I just find it so hypocritical that those who used to bash him , now gush about how much they love him . Give me a break . Somebody stole my efing dog ! I am serious . Our poor , old chihuahua Peanut was taken right out of our yard . That might not be all that shocking if I lived in an actual city - but I live on 20 acres out in the middle of no where . Someone would have to drive in my driveway or walk a long ways ( miles ) to get into my yard to get my dog . I get sick to my stomach thinking that someone may be out there being mean to him . So I 'm hoping that where ever he is , he 's being loved . If you live in Michigan and see a small , skinny , tan chihuahua with a mole on his face - he 's probably mine . This is my 302nd post . I didn 't realize when I posted # 300 ! : ( So , we had to find a new home for Gizzy . I really liked him , and wanted to keep him , but he had major issues . More than I was able to handle . I didn 't feel comfortable letting him be with my son anymore , and that is when it became obvious that he needed a new home . He just wasn 't loving it here . He has major dominance issues , and needed to be the only pet in a child free home . We found the perfect home for him . A disabled man who lives with his adult son . His son travels and the man is often alone . He 's been looking for a dog for awhile . I just happened to run across him , and he already emailed me and told me that he thinks Gizzy is going to work out just fine . I was up front about his issues and the man wasn 't bothered by them . So , I 'm hoping that it will work out for him . Now , the search begins again for another dog . On Saturday we went to see Michigan 's only Petroglyphs . What are they , you ask . They are ancient carvings that are about 800 years old . With the state of Michigan 's economy , we can 't afford to keep them open , so they are only open one day a year now . It was the first time I have seen them , and they were amazing . You could get right up to them . You could actually touch the rock . I kept looking at these carvings , these mysteries , and wondering what they meant . Did the person ( or people ) who carved these so many lifetimes ago know that someday people would be in awe of them ? Which got me thinking about this blog . Years from now , I hope that people look at it and wonder what in the hell I mean by Still Birth . I really hope that there is no such thing as Deadbabyland . I hope that these writings are a mystery to them - something they can 't comprehend . 2 comments : I wish that I could have a dad like my husband . He is a loving , gentle , and patient father . I hope my kids know how lucky they are to have him . I certainly know how lucky I am to have him . I remember when I first realized what kind of father he was . We had just started dating , and we were roller blading with his daughter . She was 9 at the time . She fell pretty hard and hurt herself . I can still remember her cry of " Daddy ! " He picked her up and carried her to a bench . He was so gentle with her . I remember actually being a little envious , because I had never had that . Last week we were working outside and I cut myself . It was a long way back to the house and I was bleeding pretty good . My husband offered his tee shirt to help stop the blood on the way to the house . He took my arm and I expected him to put pressure on it . Instead he tenderly cleaned around the area , and then gently put pressure on it . It 's little things like these that make me realize what kind of a man I am married to . This Father 's Day all I can think of to say to him is : Thank you for my babies . Anyone who has lost a child will tell you - our pets become our " children " . Well , I have a new baby . He 's a rescue and we picked him up yesterday : He 's a Shih Tzu . His name was Gizmo , but we changed it to Gizzy ( because we are oh - so - creative ! ) . My husband calls him and my other Shih Tzu , Daisy " book ends " . They aren 't identical - Daisy is 11 years old , and Gizzy is only 2 - but they do look a lot alike . They love each other . Started playing right away . Originally we were just going to keep him until he found a new home , but we really like him . He just fit right in with us . My son says he has a familiar face - like we 've known him before . Must have been meant to be . 6 comments : Not Me Monday Tuesday . I did not feel guilty for working late , and let my son stay up late last night . I did not pay for it this morning when he wouldn 't get up . I am not tired of writing about my dog rolling in poop because she did not do it again yesterday . ( Seriously , I have no idea why she is doing this and if anyone had a suggestion as to how to stop this I would love to hear it . ) I did not eat Spaghetti - o 's With Meatballs for dinner last night . I defiantly did not pick out the meatballs and feed them to the dog . I certainly didn 't buy my whole family ( including the dogs ! ) matching 4th of July shirts from Old Navy . That would be very nerdy . Even for me . I don 't want to share specifics because it 's not my story to tell , but something scarred the shit out of me today . Someone suffered her second uterine rupture and lost her second child this weekend . It really freaks me out . I can 't even imagine it happening twice ! I really just can 't imagine . That is my worst nightmare . The April Rose saga continues . I don 't know whether I should pity Beccah Rose Beushausen or be angry at her . I can 't help but feel very sorry for her because she is obviously deeply disturbed . On the other hand I am sickened that she has received all this attention ! She was featured in the Chicago Tribune and ABC News for crying out loud ! http : / / www . chicagotribune . com / news / local / chi - baby - hoax - 12jun12 , 0 , 5601624 . story ? page = 1http : / / abcnews . go . com / Technology / Story ? id = 7827909 & page = 1When I read that this had happened I posted about it because it was kind of shocking that someone could carry on this type of lie for so long . I did not realize the extent of her lie . I did not realize that she actually reported the birth - and death - of her " daughter " . Just typing those words makes me sick to my stomach . She preyed on all of us who have lost a child , who are so willing to reach out and help another mother who is facing the same crisis . I fear that our community has become jaded . I fear that when there is a new mother in need , we will be hesitant to come to their rescue . This is the blog world . We can be who ever we want to be when we sit at our keyboard . We alone choose what we do and don 't share . We shape the perception that our readers have of us . Maybe I 'm fooling myself , but I like to think that the majority of the things I read in deadbabyland are true . For the record , I will tell you that I don 't believe for one second that Beccah started this hoax to raise awareness to the pro life movement . There is no way . She went out of her way to contact MckMamma at mycharmingkids and ask her to direct traffic to her blog . She accepted money from several people that I know of . The only reason I can see why someone would do this , is because they are benefiting financially from it . Even if she was making two cents a hit on her blog - with all the hits her blog had that would be more the $ 15 , 000 ! I would also like to point out that I believe she was the only person involved in this scam . The Pass Pregnancy Care Center had no idea she was3 comments : Wow . I had no idea that sharing a few links about a fake deadbaby story would cause so much commotion . Let me clarify . I did not spew hatred or say anything negative towards anyone . All I said is who would do this ( a question ) and that I was speechless ( a statement ) . The title of the post itself was a question ! I really see no reason for anyone to lash out at me . I have not really followed that blog , and I don 't know the specifics . I was just astounded that anyone would think of doing such a thing . For the record , I think that all " b " has to do to prove herself is to post a picture of herself with her baby . If someone were saying that my dead child had never existed I would flood my blog with pictures and proof of her existence . I wouldn 't retreat and delete my blog . But that 's just me . I don 't want to share specifics because it 's not my story to tell , but something scarred the shit out of me today . Someone suffered her second uterine rupture and lost her second child this weekend . It really freaks me out . I can 't even imagine it happening twice ! I really just can 't imagine . That is my worst nightmare . Lindsay nominated me for this award . I have to list seven things I love , and seven bloggers I love . Here are my seven things1 . I love God . I am not a perfect person . I sometimes swear . I like to drink beer on occasion . But , I love the Lord . I sometimes wonder where He is leading my life , but I always know He is leading it . 2 . I love my husband . There is no doubt in my mind that he is the person I was meant to spend my life with . Sometimes he irritates me ( like a few days ago when he left the gallon of milk on the counter all night ! ) but I would not trade him for the world . I know we are an odd couple . I know not everyone thinks we " go together " , but I really don 't care . He has a tendency to be kind of a jerk at times - but never to me . He has a soft spot for me and I know - and love it ! 3 . My kids . Everyone always says that being a mom is their most important job but I really feel that I was put on this earth to mother my children . I love them more than words can even express . 4 . My grandson . He is the light of my life . I could not love him more if I gave birth to him myself . I thought it would be weird being a grandma so young , but I love it . I wouldn 't change it for the world . 5 . My family . My siblings mean the world to me . I have so much fun with them . I couldn 't imagine being an only child . My mother has sacrificed so much for us . There are a lot of things about my mom that I admire . 6 . My dog . She 's a shih tzu that we rescued 10 years ago . She 's 11 now , and I already get sad when I think about her not being around anymore . I love her like a child . I really mean that . I love her . She 's had her moments though - like when she killed a kitten years ago - and the summer that she ripped out every screen in our house - but she 's over her issues and is a wonderful dog . I half jokingly tell my husband that I 'm saving her DNA to clone her . If I had the money I would seriously do it . 7 . Shopping . Let 's face it . It 's at the top of my list . I love shopping . I love a good " deal " . I live near an outlet mall , and it 's had disastro1 comment : I started this blog after the stillbirth of my " miracle baby " . I 'm a wife , mom , step - mom , grandma , sister , friend , and work in a male dominated field . We all have a story , and this is mine . I prayed for this child , and the Lord answered my prayer and gave her to me . Now , I give her back to the Lord . She will belong to the Lord all her life . ~ Samuel 1 : 27 - 28 ~ |
You are going to be a very interesting year for me . And you aren 't wasting any time either ! ! ! I go to LA on the 9th . . . . . . . . . and then I 'm moving to China . China . You heard me right . But , 2012 , will you do me a favor ? I 'm a little bit scared about the lonely part . The isolation part of this adventure . . . . . it sort of freaks me out . I don 't remember the name of the girl I was with . . . so , she will be called Jane in this story . But , maybe I 'm also protecting the innocent ? Who knows . Imagine this : 11 year old Leah and her 11 year old friend , Jane . They are wandering around BYU campus . Leah 's dad is going to pick them up outside the art gallery . So , the girls get to the pick up point about 30 minutes early and have some time to kill . We were on the second floor looking out over the people wandering around the first floor . A girl with tons of red hair sat directly underneath us . I was admiring her hair . " I don 't know . " I started playing with the gum in my mouth . I stretched it , twisted it and turned it . " I need to throw away my gum . " " You can 't . So , don 't do it . Let 's go find one up here . " Jane stood up and came over to me . She grabbed my arm just as I let go of the gum . And we watched it fall slightly sideways . . . . . . into the beautiful head of hair . The beautiful head of hair turned to look up at us . Jane ran away . I followed . The woman with red hair was fast . My mind was racing . It was an accident . A stupid accident ! I didn 't want to get into trouble . I was determined not to get into trouble . So , I stopped . I thought a sad thought and started to cry . I took a deep breath . . . . and turned to face the woman with the red hair . The woman stopped . She was holding a wad of her hair . Cut . Stuck to the gum . She shoved it into my face . " Look what you did ! " ( I remember wondering how she found scissors so fast ) " Sara did it ! She did it and she ran away . I can 't believe she would do such a thing . Jane and I were trying to find her . " The woman faltered a bit . But , shoved the wad of hair into my face again . " Why did you run away if you didn 't do anything ? " So . . . . the woman came with us . For twenty minutes we looked for ' Sara ' and couldn 't find her . I finally told the woman with beautiful hair that my dad was going to be picking us up soon . But , here is why it is such an interesting memory to me - I remember that I didn 't feel like a liar . I was acting . In my head , I was acting . I had taken on a character and created a story in the time that it took the woman to catch up with us . . . . . . . and I dove into the " play . " I find that fascinating ! I knew the difference between right and wrong ! But , I guess my " training " as an actor had messed with my young mind a bit . Because I had lied . It was an accident ! Why did I feel the need to lie about it ? ? ? ? I do wonder why that memory came upon me yesterday . Maybe I needed to be reminded about not blurring the lines between right and wrong . Maybe I still want red hair . I 'm not sure where it came from . . . . but , there is a lesson in there . I hope I hear it . . . . My niece turns 18 tomorrow . She is the second niece to turn 18 this year . They were both born the year I turned 15 . ( One of them was actually born on my birthday ) I had two friends in junior high that got pregnant when we were 14 . They had babies the summer we turned 15 . I had moved away by the time the babies were born . We moved to St . George . . . so , I never met the babies . Well , I do a little . But , mostly . . . . . . . people my age have teenagers . I bet they feel old sometimes . Sheesh . How are we old enough to have teenagers ? K . So , that is what my brain is thinking about . I can 't sleep . My brain needs to shut up . We can continue the thinking tomorrow . . . . . . K . I need to rant for a second . Please excuse me for a moment . If I don 't get it out . . . I won 't be able to stop thinking about it . Listen , hate is Satan 's job . So . . . maybe you are right . Maybe I don 't believe in YOUR Jesus . Because the Jesus I believe in doesn 't teach us to hate . He COMMANDS us to love one another . Also , genius " Christian " people . . . . not hating gay people doesn 't make me gay . I don 't care that you think I 'm gay . I care that you think that is the only way for me to " tolerate " them . What am I tolerating exactly ? My friends finding love ? My friends going on dates ? My straight friends do that too . So . . . . . it doesn 't seem like that big of a deal . To you , it doesn 't seem like that big of a deal because you assume I don 't believe in YOUR Jesus . Well , fine . I guess that is your problem . I was in my room on Wednesday . I was watching Glee online . I heard this HUGE crash outside . . . I jumped up off the bed and went to the window . . . . . . . . nothing . Couldn 't see anything , but I stood there for a minute wondering what could have caused such an awful noise . My sister was downstairs sewing . She had the TV on pretty loud ( so she could hear it over the sewing machine ) . She didn 't hear the crash . . . . . . . But , 10 - 15 minutes later , someone started banging on the front door . They were hitting the doorbell over and over again and banging on the door . My sister answered to find an officer there . The officer told her that someone had hit the car out front . . . . the man said he tried to knock on the door . My sister pointed to the sewing machine and said , " I 've been sitting there for the past hour . No one has knocked on my door until you got here . " By this time I was coming down the stairs and I had started crying . My car was the only car out front . Someone had hit my car . My car . . . . . THAT WASN ' T DOING ANYTHING . Just parked out in front of the house . . . . . . My sister told me it was going to be okay . But , then she walked outside and walked DOWN THE STREET to pick up my side view mirror . I couldn 't help it . I just started crying . Hard . The dude that hit me ( he just moved in a few houses down ) drove his car back up the street at that point . . . . to talk to the officer . The officer started talking to him and asked me to go get my DL . I did . And then I asked if I could get my camera to take pictures . The officer told me I was allowed to do whatever I want . So , I turned and yelled at the man . " I didn 't hear any brakes . You didn 't even try to stop . All I heard was the crash . You didn 't even try to stop . " And then I went to get my camera and started taking pictures . I must have stepped on glass . . . . . because I noticed at some point that my foot was bleeding all over the street . The officer handed the man three tickets . He handed me back my DL . He said to the man , " here is a ticket for speeding , this one is for driving on the wrong side of the roaThen the man and the officer left . He never apologized . To my sister ( when I was in the house getting my ID and camera ) , to the officer , to me . . . . . . he never said one word of apology . I think that is what makes me the most angry . I called my insurance . . . . . she called his insurance . . . . . . . . the tow truck guy came . I said , " guess what ? The guy that did this said he was going the speed limit . " The tow truck guy looked at my car . " Bullshit , " he said . " Tell me about it , " I said . We couldn 't get the driver side door open . He had to use a crowbar to try and unbend the rear rim enough to get my spare on . Yesterday I got a voice mail . I had called to ask if there was any kind of update . . . . or if my car had just been totaled . The voice mail said that it was going to be close . But , they didn 't have all the parts , and the places he needed to call to get pricing on the parts had closed . So , he would have to finish the estimate on Monday . But , the message said that I need two new doors and the accident took out the rear axle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SPEED LIMIT ? ! Right . Well , maybe I shouldn 't say forgot . I never forget them . We have been friends since the 4th grade . And no matter how we have changed , or how long we lose touch . . . . they are always in my heart . But , it feels important to have a separate post for Kasha and Shannon . : ) Haven 't we been friends forever ? If that is possible . . . won 't be friends forever more ? I had to leave work early today . Because I have contracted some sort of cold / flu / plague . But , before I left work , I saw an older couple that made me eager for my time growing old with someone . They were old enough to be my grandparents . And I loved the way she leaned in to hear what he had to say . She smiled at him so warmly and reached out to touch his arm when she was speaking to him . He looked at her for a long time . I stood there watching my " old people are so cute and I want to grow old with the man I love like this " dream die . He stared at her for long enough that I started to feel like I was interrupting a silent argument . But , he wasn 't arguing with her . . . . . . . * sigh * She didn 't totally kill my dream . But , man . . . . . . . . . . . I feel so bad for that man . I wish you could have seen him . We should all give him a mind hug . My nephew is in his room next door . He is twelve . He is playing Modern Warfare 3 . . . . is that what it is called ? Anyway - I can hear him talking to his friends . About ten minutes ago I heard : On a side note : The continued laughter made me notice that I 'm getting a sore throat and losing my voice . So , that isn 't very cool . But . . . . that is another story . These are in no particular order . And this list is never really finished . I have so much to be thankful for . . . . I am thankful for SO MUCH . . . . . . . there is no way I could ever really write it all down . See . . . I want to be able to share my adventures in China with my friends and family . So , that means I will probably have to stay on Facebook to do it , but I 'm really losing my lovin ' feelin ' for Facebook . I left MySpace a long time ago and it FELT GREAT ! The more he changes Facebook . . . . the more I wonder if it is time to FEEL GREAT again . See ? Distractions . I know I could have been blogging about my distractions . But , I was distracted and didn 't think about it until this morning . You know what made me think of my blog ? Gmail informed me that they are retiring the Buzz feature . And I thought - " Good . I hate that s * * t . But , I liked that they re posted my blog as . . . . . . . . . HEY ! " Look , I have some bad news . I 'm moving to China . I KNOW ! I 'm going to miss you too . I don 't know . . . I don 't know what I 'm going to do without you . I will think about you . I might even long for you . I can 't make any promises though . But , how could I leave without telling you ? How could I leave without telling you how much you mean to me ? Okay , before I tell you about my dream last night . . . . . . . . . . . . I need you to picture a dude . Imagine that Christian Bale and Dylan McDermott had a baby . That is what the dude in my dream looked like . K . In my dream last night . . . I was totally in love with this dude . I didn 't think he knew I existed . He came to my work every once and a while , but he was nice to the whole office . I pined for him . Hard . Then , in my dream , Ke $ ha planted a bomb in my neighbors couch . The bomb killed like 7 people in my apartment complex . ( RANDOM ) The dude came running to my apartment to make sure I was safe . I was home when the bomb went off . I had seen Ke $ ha with the bomb . But , somehow , my apartment was not touched . ( I don 't know why I didn 't call the fuzz ) So . . . . . . dude says , " I 'm going to take you somewhere safe . " And he leads me by the hand to his apartment . He kept looking back at me like he was so glad to see me alive . I felt like I was flying . Maybe he really did share my feelings ! We get to his apartment ( he didn 't live very far away from me ) and he takes me into his arms . " I 'm so happy you are safe ! " And he kisses me ! And then he disappears . Or becomes invisible . I 'm not really sure . Because I was still going through the kissing motions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but , no one was standing in front of me . . . . . . . I 've been doing a lot of thinking today . Well , actually , I didn 't have to work today . So , I did just about nothing but think today . . . . ON PURPOSE ! 2 . People are cruel . They say really horrible things . I don 't understand what they gain from those hurtful words . And do those people realize how ugly it makes them ? 6 . People need to open their hearts and their ears . Hate is a stupid emotion . I think hate within a family is one of the saddest things in the world . 7 . I 've hated before . I need to open my heart and ears too . Sometimes it seems easier to shut people out . . . and that just isn 't true . You can part ways with a person , but shutting them out doesn 't heal any wounds or solve any problems . You might be wondering why I 'm having such deep - ish thoughts . It has to do with what happened last night . It isn 't really my story to tell , but I will tell you this : Some teenagers were cruel , hateful and stupid towards one of my family members . It made my blood boil . It made my mind rant . 14 . I started reading a book by Anne Rice today . It is a book she wrote about her spiritual journey . I 'm not even half way through the book and I 'm amazed by her all over again ! I love the richness of her writing . She writes like a painter . 17 . Katie and I need to get our book published . I read so many news stories that prove to me OVER AND OVER again that our book is important . There is too much hate . 20 . We should be love too . But , I 'm not going to change the world in one blog . I 'm not even sure if I 'm trying to change the world . I guess I 'm just lamenting in numbered prose . Am I allowed to call this prose ? Well , I just did ! I 've been full of all sorts of emotions today . I learned some new things . I relearned many things . Sadly , the things I relearned were not happy things . Well , that isn 't totally true . . . . . . . . . refer to 4 , 5 , 10 , 11 and 14 . : D I had my first interview last night . ( 9 : 30pm in Texas . 10 : 30am in Beijing ) I think it went pretty well ! Funny part : The guy interviewing me was from North Carolina . But , he has been living and working in China for two years . My next interview is on Sunday night . I wonder if that one will go better because I 'm a bit less nervous . Instead of 42 hernias . . . . I might just have 40 . I 'm really excited to start teaching . I can 't wait to get a classroom and meet my students . I just have to get through all the interview stuff . . . . . . . . . and then the visa stuff . . . . . . . . . . and then the traveling . . . . . . and then the real fun can begin ! ! ! ! I could not sleep . I tossed and turned until almost 2am . You might ask why . . . I did too . I even asked why out loud a few times ( maybe I was hoping the empty room would have a good answer ) . Nick Lachey was in 98 Degrees . What a stupid band name . Wait . Do any boy bands have good bands names ? I don 't think they do . Wouldn 't it be cool if Sean Connery tried an American accent in a movie ? Just once before he died . He can 't be as bad as Gerard Butler . Andre 3000 has really beautiful hair . I used to watch Outkast videos online to see what his hair looked like in each video . Yeah . I did that . . . . and then I admitted it . I 'm not okay with a Dirty Dancing remake . I will admit that there are all sorts of people that could play Baby . I could cast her with some of my own friends ! But , there is no one that can play Johnny Castle . No one . I read a list today of people that are on some sort of wish list . It sort of made me feel ill inside . I hope , very strongly , that they cast an unknown . But , really . . . I 'm just not okay with a Dirty Dancing remake . Have you read the hyperboleandahalf blog ? She is genius . GENIUS ! Sometimes I wish I could write blogs like her . But , then I type stuff like this and think about how I 'm glad I don 't have any pictures of feet on my blog . ( Even cartoon feet ) I have read some rumors about my George Clooney . You cannot EVEN imagine how much I hope they are not true . Not because it was my turn or anything . . . . . because I have respect for him and thought he had taste . . . . . . . . and all I can hear is her wrestling intro music when I think about it . Actually , I do have a sympathetic crying problem . Most of the time . There are some people that can 't get a tear out of me . Mary Murphy is one of those people . More CHEESE ! Sometimes I wonder why I love cheese so much . But , then I get distracted because I just want to eat it . Why think about cheese when you can be eating it ? ? ? ? Now , don 't get too excited ! I know you are going to welcome me with open arms , but this is just a temporary thing . I 'm finishing up my TESL 100 hour certificate . . . . . and then I 'm leaving the country . Okay , I know what you are thinking . . . . and you are right . I 'm not really coming back because I missed you , Texas . I have other reasons . But , we got along pretty well the first time . I 'm sure everything will be just fine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but , you really need to cool down a bit . A lot of people have asked me what TESL is . . . and that surprises me . I 'm not sure why I thought that was common knowledge , but I did . Maybe because I 've wanted the certification for so long . I guess I thought I talked about it more ! This week we had a bunch of grammar homework . And I died . I 'm a bit shocked ( I 'll even use the word flabbergasted ) at how difficult the homework turned out to be . First , it hasn 't been that long since I graduated from college . Second , some of that stuff I swear they didn 't teach us . . . . and if they did teach us , they certainly didn 't tell us what the rules were called . Even the teacher warned us on Friday . She said , " if you aren 't worried about grammar , you probably should be . Most people are taught how through examples . " I wasn 't quite sure what she meant until Monday afternoon . Anyway , enough about the death of Leah via grammar . . . . . . . . . . . . let 's talk about the good stuff ! The in class stuff only lasts for a few more weeks . Then I have to take classes online for a total of 40 hours ( at my own pace ) . But , you know I 'll be going fast as I can ! After that part is over ( some of it is more grammar death ) I can start applying for teaching jobs ! I 'm hoping to go to India or Korea . India because that is where Navin is from and I 'd love to meet his family and junk . Korea because they love their teachers and seem to pay really well ! China does too , but most of those jobs seem to want teachers with a bit more experience . Exciting and new ! I 'm really looking forward to my next adventure . We should start playing a game called , Where in the World is President Leah ? Do you need popcorn , tea or an apple ? I don 't know what kind of treats you enjoy during sharing time . Are you ready for some deep - down - sharing time ? Thank you for my life , family , friends , a roof over my head and food to eat . Please bless us that we will have more happy times and my mom will feel nice . ( Sometimes things were added here . Like , please bless me that I will be nice to so and so . . . . or please bless my brother that he will be this and that . . . . ) Heavenly Father , I 'm about to go to sleep . Please bless me that , as long as I 'm holding this stuffed animal , no ghosts or aliens will be able to hurt me in my bed . Please bless that it won 't count when I fall asleep and let go because I 'm asleep and I won 't know I let go . 4 . What were those things that made you change the word ? I 'll tell you later . But , a big part of it is : I have VERY vivid nightmares . So , this concludes this session of deep - down - sharing time . Your last question may be . . . . why did you feel the need to share this ? I watched Toy Story 3 . I wondered if my stuffed animals and toys felt abandoned , talked to a friend about how great that movie was , and then remembered the prayer and the toys that kept me safe . . . . . . Hey ! I know it has been a while since I blogged . It doesn 't mean I don 't deserve some cheese . And a hug . Send a hug with the cheese . I want to tell you about Stratford . I want to tell you about how my life was changed . I want to tell you about how every moment of today was magic for me . ( Even the stupid argument that I got into with Navin ) Have you ever been to a place that made you feel like you were coming home ? I feel that way about Disneyland and a few cities in America . But , I have never felt it as strongly as I did today . But , the problem is , I have no words for today ! Maybe it just hasn 't settled in . Maybe I 'm still on a Shakespeare high . This about sums it up , my friends . I spend my days making funny faces and noises . . . he laughs with me . ( At me ? ) My life is full of pictures of me making faces and trying to get my friends and family to laugh . It is a gift ! Some people think I 'm silly . That 's probably true , but it feels like a blessing to me too . Speaking of my life . . . . tomorrow is my birthday . I don 't feel my age , you guys . The other day I started to wonder what age I do feel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . nothing . I feel like Leah . Maybe I measure my life in a different way ? I realized that I look at my life like this : This year , Leah was smart - ish . In the year 2000 , Leah was kind of dumb . In such and such year , Leah was super dumb . Hopefully Leah learned a lot and will never be that dumb again ! The day started out with us trying to find Richard Burton 's house . We couldn 't find it . I wasn 't all that sad about it . We finally gave up and went to Castell Carreg Cennen . Chico was kind enough to take us out into the country to see the ruins . It is one of the most romantic ruins in the whole of Europe . At least . . . that 's what Navin says . . . I didn 't google it . But , I wouldn 't be surprised if it was true . I was overwhelmed by the beauty ! Every direction . . . . EVERY direction . . . . it is places like this that make me wonder about people that don 't believe in God . How could science alone create something like this ? ( Well , man built the castle . . . ) It was a good day ! We spent a good amount of time wandering around the ruins . Chico and Navin didn 't want to go up with me , but I think they ended up having a good time . Then we drove into the little town of Bethlehem . I 'm serious . It was tiny . The post office was closed at 4pm . Really . . . we just saw a bunch more sheep and cows . Navin did find the ruins of an Iron Age fort . He walked up to the top , but I stayed in the car watching the lambs frolic . I got lost in thought about the meaning of Easter . . . . but , that might be another blog all together . Okay , so , I 'm going to tell you my weird dream . I know I do that a lot , but . . . I have a lot of them ! So , simmer down and listen . Er . . . . . . read . I was called back to SUU for a big event . They asked me to be the fly op for the event and even paid for my airfare to get back to the school . I got there and they wouldn 't give me a headset . I kept asking how I was supposed to know the cues . Becca Fischer was the SM , but I couldn 't find her to tell her that no one would give me a headset . I was so nervous about missing all my cues ! Then , it got worse , because they wouldn 't even let me see a rehearsal . Kevin Lindsay had choreographed this two hour long dance number . He brought dancers in from Brazil ( RANDOM ) for the event . But , he wouldn 't let us watch the dance before hand . . . . because he kept talking about how it was going to be EPIC . It was all about how France had outlawed the burka in public . Just as they started dancing , the grand drape broke . I 'm standing there , with no headset , holding on to that rope for dear life . . . . wondering how I 'm going to make my other cues . So , I asked Ashley to come over from the prop table and hold the rope for me . She does , but she gets so wrapped up in the dance that she lets the drape start to fall . I hurry up my cue and run back over . . . . . . it happens twice more . The audience seems to think it is all part of the show . They seem to be getting the idea that the falling drape is about how these women are hidden from the world . . . . Then , I can hear Dr . Lewis in the audience yelling about what a crap job I 'm doing . He is going on and on about how you can 't find a good stage hand anymore . The audience thinks this is part of the show too . I 'm not sure why . . . . but , everyone is moved and crying . . . . . and my arms are killing me cause the grand drape just keeps getting heavier . Then , Kevin comes backstage to find out what I 'm doing . His face turns purple , but it looks like someone hit the mute button . I know he is yelling , but I can 't hear him . He points over my head and makes all these wild motions . I try to explain that no one gave me a headset . I 'm doing the best I can . Katie Fischer walks up behind me and asks where the costumes went . . . . then she asks why Kevin is purple . I tell her I don 't have a headset . She says she will go get one . So , I stand there waiting and miss two cues while I 'm holding up the grand drape . Kevin has continued to yell at me without making a sound . Katie returns . . . . . . . . . . . with two hard boiled eggs . She hands one to me and starts eating the other one . I take a bite and ask her if she brought any salt . Today we went to the Glynn Vivian Art Gallery down the hill from Navin 's house . They are doing an exhibition called Ffilms . I went there last June . . . and it was basically all the same stuff . But , they had changed two rooms into little movie theatres . And peppered throughout the art you would find random TV sets with short films . Some strange stuff , people . One set had four different short films from one artist . All four films were set in a cow pasture . The first one , he walked into the middle of the screen with a large sunflower covering his face . Cows were grazing behind him . He stood there for two full minutes . . . . . peaking around the flower . Navin walked away . But , it was like a train wreck for me . I had to see what he did next . Next , he wandered around the pasture holding a bush . Then he drove a truck through the pasture . . . churning up cow manure as he went . I remember that one was called , " Shit Stirrer . " Navin teased me a bit , but I couldn 't stop watching ! I finally walked away from the fourth one . He put a plank of wood on top of a tall bare tree and called it a table in the sky . I watched for a minute . Just a plank of wood in the air with a bird or two flying around it . He finally lost me . Anyway . . . . here 's the real story . . . . Navin and I walked into one of the theatres and sat down to watch one of the " feature films . " You guys . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . CRAZY TIME ! ! ! It was a choir singing a musical called , " Golden Space City of God . " I kept trying not to laugh . I did . But , you guys , did you know that God lives in a gold space ship ? It 's made of gold , but it is still see through . . . like glass . So that the Saints can see Earth . Also , the Saints are going to have special powers and be able to fly . And they can read minds ! This is so they can spy on all the people that are wicked . . . Okay . Please google it . I could go on all night , but I 'm starting to get tired . So , I will finish telling you about our day . Then we came home . We weren 't home long when Chico called . He wanted to go get tea at McDonald 's . Navin said no . I love Navin . So , Chico asked if we wanted to go get some tea somewhere . . . . we really went to Mumbles and got ice cream . Then we walked along the pier for a bit . The view was amazing ! I really like Mumbles . There is something about that city that I wish I could explain . Maybe a poem is brewing in my brain about it . . . We stopped at Tesco on the way home . Chico picked up some French Bread and an Indian beer called Cobra . It was pretty good bread . But , Chico ate one piece and said something to Navin in Hindi . . . . Navin went into the kitchen and came back with ketchup . Chico dipped the rest of his bread into ketchup . This was probably the strangest thing I 'd seen all day . It topped the dude in the cow pasture . Oh ! Before I get ready for bed ! I don 't know if you have been looking at my pictures on Facebook . I bet you have . Cause you are all awesome peoples . Remember this picture ? First , we went to Caerphilly Castle . It was built around 1268 ! One part of the castle was rebuilt around 1890 . . . and all parts were amazing . I love history . Today was like magic for me . I will have pictures up on Facebook soon . The second castle we went to is called Castle Coch . It was a property built in the 13th century , but a family bought it in the 19th century and went all Gothic on it . It is in a little village called Tongwynlais . Yeah . . . say that three times fast . Castle Coch was set up so you can see what it looked liked when the family lived there . The 3rd Marquess of Bute lived there with his wife and daughter . Bute 's room was funny to me . His bed was tiny . His wife 's room was upstairs . . . she had a bed big enough for two . . . . but , maybe they didn 't like each other . Who knows . Maybe he liked having a room next door to the privy . = ) We had a picnic outside the castle . You guys . . . I would have bought this place if I had the money . The area around the castle was breathtaking . I love trees . I 'd like to go back when Spring really hits that area . I would have repainted a few rooms though . Lady Bute like to decorate with creepy monkey paintings . Wait , maybe that is why Lord Bute slept downstairs ! He didn 't want the monkeys staring at him all night . Navin 's friend ( Navin calls him Chico . Long story . His real name is Babu . ) made a fantastic lunch for us . It 's called Chitra - Anna . NOM NOM NOM . Then we went to Cardiff Bay . YOU GUYS ! This place is cool . It got pretty cold . . . cause we were by the water . But , cold doesn 't bother me . You know what does bother me ? People had ice cream and we didn 't . Of course , that didn 't last too long . I arrived in London a week ago . I was interviewed at the border for over a half an hour about my intentions while in the country . It was not the best interview , but she was a nice lady . She didn 't think I was funny though . The bus station is attached to the airport . So , I walked over and bought myself some breakfast . It was an egg and bacon sandwich . The first thing I did was throw away the bacon . It looked like they thought about cooking it . . . . . . . . . . . but , then gave up and hoped no one would notice . The bus ride was interesting . The driver was from Wales . He had a really thick accent . So , the woman sitting across from me would ask me what he said at every stop . She even woke me up twice . I will admit that I cheated a few times . . . . . just looked out the window and found a city sign . . . . . I haven 't taken many pictures yet . I have to admit , I 've loved walking through town like I live here . Although , I do NOT love how steep the hills are . . . . my knees are angry . ( Maybe I 'll have buns of steel though ) I took some pictures of Swansea Castle yesterday . You can 't go inside though . But , this weekend we are going to see a few that you can tour . I 'm very excited . Oh , on a side note . . . remember when Christian Bale got taped swearing up a storm at a crew member on set ? You guys , I 'm not sure it is his fault anymore . EVERYONE here swears like you would not believe . For example , Navin and I were walking through the town square last week and we heard this conversation : " F * * k off . " By that time we had walked too far to hear more . Sometimes it makes me giggle . Sometimes I 'm really surprised . I saw a few old ladies talking about getting some " good f * cking tea " the other day . Really cute little old ladies ! It is funny , wrong , and funny again . . . . . This is the last adventure on this road trip . Sort of . . . I did have a short adventure where I ended up in a town that Katie , Becca and I had an opportunity to move to . Who thinks we are uber blessed because we didn 't move there ? This girl . Anyway . . . my GPS said that I was going to arrive at 9 : 09pm . I was super excited cause I had been in the car since 7am and I was starting to get a bit crazy . I found myself funny and entertaining , but crazy . I spent three hours reading signs in a Jimmy Stewart voice . Which was only funny because my Jimmy Stewart voice is HORRIBLE . Then I spent an hour reciting various SpongeBob lines . Then I spent 30 minutes reading road signs in a Woody Allen voice . ( Which became a Woody Allen and Jimmy Stewart argument about bears attacking people in the woods ) I started singing the songs on the radio in an opera voice . It 's something I do on road trips to keep me awake . Every song is funny in an opera voice . So , I called my parents when I had 20 minutes left in the trip . To tell them I would be there soon and I was safe and junk . 5 minutes later I turned onto I 66 E and the GPS told me to drive for 61 miles before my next turn . I yelled , " I can 't drive 61 miles in 15 minutes ! " I stopped for the night in Memphis . I was pretty tired . It was just after 10pm . I was in a dodgy part of town . . . so , I was super surprised when the guy told me how much the night at the hotel was . But , I paid him and went to my room . I took a rolly cart and unloaded most of my car . Just in case I was in a dodgy AND sketchy part of town . But , I still worried that my car wasn 't safe . Then . . . I got too tired to care . But , just before I fell asleep I caught a news story about a dude running around in Memphis armed and dangerous . The police were hunting him cause he shot a five year old . So , who had nightmares ? Me . Who woke up at 2am and couldn 't go back to sleep ? Me . By 4am I was bored out of my mind . So , I started playing Angry Birds and considered just starting my drive . But , I said , " LEAH ! You paid too much for this hotel room . Stay . Take a shower and eat the free breakfast . " Until I got to the Shell station . This gas station has probably been in every horror movie I 've ever seen . Or , it had to at least inspire a few scenes in horror movies . So , I fill up my tank and go around the side . The ladies room is locked . There was one other truck there at the time . So , I figured someone from the truck was in there . But , a few minutes go by and the dude in the truck finishes his cigarette and drives away . I figured maybe I missed the chick getting in the truck . So , I go around the side again and try the door . Locked . So , I decide to use the dude restroom and just get it over with and leave the horror movie set . I come back outside and there is a new truck . Parked under a broken light over by the trees . All in shadow . I started laughing a bit hysterically and got into my car and sped away . Okay , so . . . I 'm going to Wales ! But , first I had to drive to Virginia to Kasha 's house . I was supposed to leave Monday around Noon . The plan was to get to a sleeping spot around 6 : 30pm so that I could watch ' House . ' Yes , I know that I have issues . I 'm halfway down the street when I realize that my cell phone is on her kitchen counter . EEEEEE ! So , I go to Firestone . . . hoping and praying that Firestone was her first errand . So , I go back to the house and check the back gate . Locked . I go back to Firestone and Debbie had been picked up by a friend for lunch . I wait an hour . Debbie returns . Debbie takes my car and goes back to the house and JUMPS THE BACK FENCE in flip flops to check the back door . And , of course , I had remembered to lock it . Then she drives to the high school and gets the house key from Sidney and brings me my phone . I finally get on the road at around 2 : 30 . By the time 6 : 30 rolls around . . . . . . I 'm in the middle of nowhere ! So , I called Kasha and asked her to DVR the show for me . Today is my last day with Legacy Travel . I 've been here for a little over 3 years . Can you believe it ? This is the longest I have ever had a job . I 've been blessed , you guys . I 've learned so much here . I 've grown so much ! I 'm a little emotional right now . I probably should wait to write a blog about it until after I 'm done crying . But , I was just thinking about how blessed I 've been . I came to Texas to be closer to my sister . I 'm in denial about leaving my sister , so that we have to skip right now . . . . . . . . Texas brought me more family . It reconnected me with an amazing college friend , brought me so much closer to my nieces and nephews , and gave me some peoples . A few very dear peoples . I will miss you Team Legacy . I will miss you Dallas Funjet Team ! This has been a wild ride . I can 't do it justice with this blog . There aren 't words . . . . . . I listen to rap . Stop judging me . But , this morning , I was listening to a morning show on a rap station . . . and something profound occurred to me . Well , maybe it was only profound to me . Some rappers create music about strippers , killing cops , beating " bitches , " throwing money at chicks while they dance , bringing chicks home and making them use a stripper pole . . . . . . and all sorts of other things . Now , not all rap is like that . Some rap is really funny and entertaining ! Sometimes they are going on and on about strippers and even THAT is funny . I was being general to make a point . I find that amazing . I was thinking this morning that it is proof that we are not made of what we do . We cannot be totally defined by what we do . A big part of it is who we are at the core . Isn 't it ? Okay , last week . . . . . . I had the plague . It was not awesome . Being sick brought on some pretty strange dreams during the week . I present YOU ( The Audience ! ) with these two - I had a dream that Poseidon was a woman . She was chasing after me and trying to drown me because she wanted to steal my lungs . She wanted human lungs so that she could kiss Ethan Hawke . Female Poseidon carried a picture of Ethan Hawke around with her everywhere she went . It was a pic of him during the " Reality Bites " days . I kept trying to tell her that he didn 't look like that anymore . He had gotten older . . . and might not be to her liking . When I first woke up , I felt like I had a nightmare . It took a while for my breathing to even out . And then I thought more about the dream and thought it was really funny . I had a dream I got a job working for Steven Tyler , Joe Perry and Tico Torres . ( I have no idea why they were working together . I don 't even know what my job title was in the dream . But , if they do get together for something . . . . . . maybe I predict the future ! Also , yes , I dream about famous people all the time . ) They gave me a hard time . All the time . Most of the dream was them making fun of me and telling me I couldn 't handle the job because I was too disco . Joe Perry was the worst . He wasn 't nice at all . I like trivia . Random trivia is one of my favorite things . But , what I seem to be good at . . . . celebrity trivia . People will call me to ask random celebrity things ! I love it . Here 's an example from yesterday : Person : The one with the airplanes . They are in Arizona or Utah or something . Me : Christian Slater . That movie is called ' Broken Arrow . ' That wasn 't a very good movie . Christian Slater is hot . I dream of living in a world where people chew with mouth closed . And in this dream land of mine . . . . people don 't talk with their mouth full . Doesn 't that sound like a wonderful world ? Sometimes it surprises me that people don 't realize how rude that is . . . . . . . . . I know that the world is full of rude people and rude habits . I have some rude habits myself . But , in my dream land . . . . . chewing with your mouth open and talking with your mouth full : BANNED ! ! ! NOTE : If you know me . . . . you know there is much more to this subject . Maybe I will write a longer blog one day explaining the issue . But , for now , just know that I have a dream land . Come crash on my dream land couch ! It all started on Tuesday night . My room is not well insulated . In fact . . . . . it 's horrible . I live in the upstairs bedroom and I have a bathroom up here . Well , Tuesday night is was so cold in this room that I went to bed with gloves on to stay comfortable . Wednesday morning I woke up and had no water in the bathroom . Pipes frozen . I emailed two people that work in the front office . One responded and said she would submit a work order . I had gone to the store to get fun cereals and milk . I was going up the stairs with two gallons of milk , three bags , a space heater and a Bose speaker . My hands were FULL ! The lady that lives downstairs followed me up the stairs telling me that her bathroom was getting wet and the carpets were getting wet . I kicked the front door . Nothing . I kicked the front door again . Nothing . The lady kept telling me to do something . So , I handed her two gallons of milk and opened the front door . It sounded like it was raining inside . I told the lady to follow me in and I took the milk back from her . I could see Becca in the bathroom bailing out the floor . There were mixing bowls all over the floor and water was coming down hard from the ceiling . The lady told me to do something . I resisted the urge to slap her . Becca came out and told her we called the emergency line . She said she had too . . . . and then she went away . So , Becca and I did some bailing together . Next door neighbor came by to warn us . " I think someone 's pipes burst . Our bathroom is flooding . " I laughed like a crazy person and told him we knew . But , thank you for warning us . I thought of the emergency water shut off . The rain stopped . We watched ' American Idol ' and the emergency people finally came . 1 hour and 45 minutes later . They have to call a plumber . No water . No bathrooms . We watched ' Bones , ' packed up the cats and drove to the Banks ' for the night . Woke up the next morning to this : I told you this weather was crazy , right ? So , we were stuck . Since I was at the boss residence , I still got to work for the day . Katie and Becca shoveled the driveway and they made their way home around 3pm . The plumbers were there ! They fixed one pipe . Then said the other one was too far back . They had to some back tomorrow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ( I found this out after I was already half way home . Driving 20mph in the ice and snow . Only SUVs were driving the actual speed limit ) We went to use the restroom in the gym . Katie went to work . Becca and I walked back to the gym at 10pm to use the restroom one more time . The fire alarm was going off and the fire department was there trying to get into the main building . Pipes burst . Sprinkler going off . . . . . . . . . . flooding . . . . . . . . . . . So ! They came back on Saturday and fixed the other pipe . Said they would be back in 20 minutes . They turned the water back on , told us we would have hot water in about 45 minutes and they left . The ceiling started leaking again . Katie turned the water off . Becca went to look for the men . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . said they would come back tomorrow . So , here I sit , waiting for them to come back again . And hopefully this time it will work . It is Super Bowl Sunday . . . . . . . . . . so , I sort of wonder if they will try very hard to get here . But , I 'm trying to keep a good attitude and I 'm trying to keep hope alive ! So , the ground is covered in snow today . This weekend I was wearing flip flops . . . . and today our office is closed due to weather . No wonder everyone is always getting sick in Texas . This is crazy ! Of course , the weather has been crazy all over the country this winter . So , I guess I shouldn 't give Texas such a hard time . I shall blame Mother Nature . She needs some peanut butter cookies , hot chocolate and a good movie . That will make her feel better . . . and then , in turn , she will be nicer to us ! In other news , I 've started packing . Slowly . A very little bit over the past two weekends . Packing is not fun . Even a box at a time ! I 've always loved purging . But , for some reason , the books are the hardest things to see go . Even when they aren 't my books ! When I help other people clean out rooms , attics , and storage units . . . . . . I hate to see the pile of books grow ! I 'm waiting to hear back from some clients via email . I may make the trek into the office today . I woke up this morning thinking , " I spent half my life in Utah ! Bring it on , Snow ! You don 't scare me ! ! ! ! " And then I went out and looked at the iced over parking lot and I thought , " Ummmmmm . YOU DON ' T SCARE ME ! But . . . . other people driving in all of that do . " So , I came back inside to hide near my email . If you are in Texas , be safe ! If you are anywhere else , be safe ! If you are on a beach . . . YOU ARE A JERK ! But , I hope you will have a frosty beverage in honor of all the people feeling frosty at home . If you follow my blog , or talk to me , or stalk me on Facebook . . . you know that I went to England / Wales in June . And you also know that I fell in love with Swansea , Wales . Some of you may even know that someone very special to me lives in that city too . This could turn into the longest blog ever . I mean , we all know I can ramble on like a crazy person for a good long while . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but I 'm not going to . Not this time . The short version is this : There was a lot of thought , prayer , hope and strife that got me to this adventure . I 'm going back to Wales and I 'm applying to three different graduate schools . I 'm going to finish a book and a play ( and hopefully Katie and I will get published this year ) , I 'm going to study , wander , love and pillage . Well , okay , I probably won 't pillage . Or maybe I just won 't blog about my pillaging while I 'm over there ! I 'm going to give it a try . I won 't be gone long . But , hopefully , I 'll be gone long enough to make it work . If not , I will return to the States and apply to graduate schools in New England . And that very special person might be applying for graduate schools too . Who knows ? I didn 't make resolutions this year . But , I do have some goals . Figure out what I want to be when I grow up , start a Masters program , and stop being in a long distance relationship . ( Cause it would be super awesome to live in the same country as him . . . here or there ) This probably raised more questions than answered them . But , know that I 'm happy . This is the coolest thing I think I 've ever done and I 'm stupid excited . The idea of studying English literature in Britain makes my head spin . So does the idea of being with my guy . But , that part is probably another blog . I am hugely blessed , my friends . I can 't wait to see where this adventure takes me . I can 't wait to share it with all of you ! I was in the second grade . We lived in Redondo Beach , California . I was walking home from school one day and I passed by an apartment complex that had a bunch of trucks around it . I guess the complex had hired a company to come and trim back all the trees on the property . There was one branch that have fallen in the middle of the sidewalk . It was a pretty big branch ! I don 't remember what came over me . I don 't remember what went through my mind . . . but , this is what I remember : I dragged that tree branch all the way home and asked my mom if I could take it into the backyard . She didn 't seem too thrilled about the idea , but I think she was mostly confused about why I would want to do such a thing . Again , I don 't remember what my thought process was . But , I do remember what I told my mom when she asked me why I had brought the tree limb home . Stop it . I 'm cold and not in the mood for snow . Why are you acting like Utah ? I mean , I don 't care if you grow mountains like Utah . That sounds pretty awesome . I miss the mountains . But , I don 't miss the snow . So , stop it . Please . I 'm not trying to be rude or anything , but you should know that I 'm not the only one annoyed by your behavior . |
Emily had bought the shoes on sale , and was very pleased with herself about it even before she knew they were magic . When she tried them on at the store , nothing had happened . She 'd just noticed that they were a bit tight , but the kind that you knew would be fine once broken in , especially for 40 % off . So she 'd bought them and brought them home and the moment she put them on and twirled to show herself off in the mirror , her twirl had hurled her miles around the country . One half - spin and Emily was in Kansas , Wyoming , Minnesota , and then back home . Not that she knew where she was any of those times , of course , she 'd just flashed in and out of a few places and then ended up in Chicago again with her heart pounding against her ribs and her toes beginning to ache . She took the shoes off very carefully and examined them to make sure that no dirt or dust from the fields had clung to their shiny red surface , and then she put them on the carpet and stepped back in . Emily shuffled forward , just slightly , and inhaled water . She choked and kicked and coughed and spluttered , but her shoes weren 't touching ground so she stayed in the lake . Once she had caught her breath and kept her head above water for long enough to sight the shore , she swam to land where she could take a tiny step back to the city . From there it was an easy walk in socks back home , where she threw the shoes under the bed , took a long shower , and had some dinner . Seven leagues is approximately twenty - four miles . Emily ascertained , after a great deal of careful and methodical testing , that her new shoes only traveled about six and a half leagues . She thought the difference was likely due to the fact that they were not boots , and nobody ever heard of seven - league high - heeled pumps . She spent her weekends traveling now . She visited three cities in California during the month of February , when the Chicago air was so bitter cold that it hurt to breathe . If everything could be a day trip because it was only a few steps to get home , she found , you could save a lot on hotels . It was a little lonely , sometimes , to explore all on her own . She packed a neat little bag with necessities and an extra pair of shoes so that she could walk once she got where she was going , and she took pictures with her phone . In the photos , Emily is in front of a monument or a skyline or a really good food truck , but her smile is tentative , as if she 's not sure what to look at . One day , Emily put on an ordinary pair of flats and went to the store where she had bought the shoes , 40 % off . They were having another sale . She was idly contemplating a pair of wedges when the shoe salesman walked up to her . " Those won 't suit you , " he said . Emily raised her eyebrows at him , confused . " I mean , that is , you can 't get that far in heels like that . " He winked . " Oh , " she said , and smiled . " I see . Hi . I 'm Emily . Would you like to take a walk with me sometime ? " Yvonne left her heart , at last , under the willow tree in the park one night . The park closed at dusk , but she slid over the fence in the dark , pulse thrumming and the cold air stroking shivers across her skin . She had used to do this with someone else . They had helped one another over the fence , landing in one another 's arms . They had laughed as quietly as they could . Now she picked her way through the park alone , toward the tree where they had sat together , backs against the bark . She leaned against it and closed her eyes . For a moment , she could almost imagine skin against her skin , warmth against her warmth . Then it was gone , and she opened her eyes to see the empty park . The streets and cars winked from beyond the fence , but within the trees and grass were still and silent . Yvonne stood and bent down , splaying fingers out on the grass . The earth was soft , and she burrowed with one hand until she had made a dent in the ground . She placed her heart in the hollow at the willow 's roots , and then she left . The fence was easier to jump on the way out . She felt lighter . The glare of headlights and the glow of windows seemed distant and calm as she walked home . For a while , she could not even notice a difference in herself . She wondered absently how many people did just the same and wander through the world , heartless . Perhaps nobody could ever tell . The only thing that seemed to have changed was that she did not hurt , and she was glad of that . There was no ache that bloomed when she opened her eyes in the morning , and that she curled around when she fell asleep . She had no bad dreams . Her sleep was smooth and dark , and when she awoke she did not shudder with the memory of the night . She barely dreamed at all anymore . If anyone else could see that something had shifted in Yvonne , nobody told her so . Her work colleagues treated her with the same mild politeness . Her friends met her and chattered and teased just as they always had , and she was able to smile and tease back . Her life was a comfortable habit , and its touch did not chafe . It was even easier , now that she could follow those rote patterns . Some of it was interesting , some of the time . She observed herself living with detached curiosity . She did not remember what it had been like to live with her heart trembling inside her all the time . When she realized that she had forgotten , she thought she might revisit the park to see if anything had changed . And , after all , she wanted to check that her heart was still there . She didn 't want to carry it around , for it was heavy , but she didn 't want it nibbled by squirrels and buried somewhere unknown , either . That night she climbed over the fence and into the park , as she had done so many times before . The metal of the fence was cold on her skin and the darkness deepened as she walked , but she was not frightened . The elm tree twined up toward the sky in a familiar shape , and she nodded when she recognized it . There among its roots was the hole she had made , and her heart nestled inside just where she had left it . Old leaves and twigs had cluttered and crowded it , so she moved to brush them away . When she touched her heart , just for an instant , she could see all her ghosts ranged around her . They looked at her with solemn eyes , and she shivered . Her heart beat under her fingers . She closed her eyes against the dark , knowing that the ghosts were there . They moved forward , gathering , and Yvonne snatched her hand up . The pain ebbed and disappeared . The ghosts were gone from her eyes . She shook her head to clear it of cobwebs , and then she turned to leave . The ghosts were left there , watching her go , wishing for her to take back her heart and to bring them with her once more . They called , but she could not hear . They scrabbled at the leaves and could not move them . They tugged on her heart , but she could not feel . On 145th Street , there 's a building full of rain . I don 't mean that it 's flooded or anything . It 's not like when you open the door , the jangly glass kind at the front of a store , there 's water that rushes out and pushes you across the sidewalk in its hurry . There 's only perhaps an inch of water on the floor . It must leak out somewhere , and you can see the stain as it bleeds into the pavement at your feet when you 're right outside . You don 't get hit with a wave when you open the door . You just hear it ; ppt ptt ppt ppt tpp prt . Thrumming against the concrete floor . I found the rain room by accident . I was trying to get away from a thunderstorm , if you can believe that . I was running down the street with my coat over my head and my slippery - wet hand in my girlfriend 's hand , our fingers jamming together . We were laughing like mad . It had just started raining , out of the blue . Really , the sky had looked clear as any day when all the sun wants to do is wrap you in light , but then the clouds had come . They just sort of showed up , uninvited , and then they spilled all over us . Mel and I stopped strolling when we felt the first few drops , and our steps quickened . Then , right away , the rain sped up too and it began beating down on us . We ducked under our jackets and sprinted . Thinking back on it , I 'm not sure why we were running . We were a bit far from anything , and we would 've gotten wet by the time we reached a subway or a bus anyway . We just ran , hands clinging and feet slapping sprays of water onto each other . We ducked into a building with a half - cracked door and took a breath of relief before we realized that we hadn 't stopped getting wet . Mel tipped her face right up to the ceiling and watched the drops fall toward her . I just watched her for a moment , too dumbfounded to talk . When I found my voice , I said , " Just our luck . The ceiling must be leaky . I bet this place is abandoned . Don 't do that , sweetie , the water 's probably all dirty . " In response , of course , she stuck out her tongue . She tasted the water that down the corners of her mouth . " Not out , " Mel smiled . She always was faster to catch on to things than I was . " It 's raining in here . Don 't you see ? " The ceiling was dropping water on us . Or at least I think it was the ceiling . I couldn 't really see any plaster or paint through the fog . Well , clouds , I suppose it was . The clouds covered the ceiling of the building and huddled in the corners in sulky gray masses . Mel smiled into the corners , the rain running down her face and twisting her hair into tendrils that streamed down her back . I started to laugh . She laughed too , until the both of us sank down and sat in the puddle that was the floor . We leaned against each other and laughed ourselves helpless at the escape we 'd found from the rain outside . At the sheer absurdity of the building that rained on the inside . We 'd had a fight earlier that day , another one about her work that was taking all her time from me . She always answered that by saying , rather cattily , that if I only found something to do then it wouldn 't be a problem . I 'd been sullen ever since , but now I laughed and when we paused to catch our breath I pulled her toward me . We kissed , sloppy and soaking , in the room that rained on us . I 'm not sure there was a moment before or since that I felt us breathe and beat together like that as the rain trembled to the floor around us . When we finally went home , we were so drenched with rain that a pool of water spread on our seats on the bus and poured itself down into the grooves on the floor . We were both shivering , still wracked with giggles , drawing stares from the three old ladies who were the only other people on the bus . We got home and took a long hot shower . We broke into laughter again the moment the water began to spray . Everything 's a little different now . With me , with Mel , everything . I think it can be better , though . I haven 't seen her in a week , but we 're going to meet up on 145th Street . I won 't bring an umbrella , just in case . The red man sank to the ground . His body trailed into mist after the waist , but he could have been sitting . He spoke , and his voice was dark and shaking . " Listen , child , " he said , " Three , and that is all . Use them well , for you are a little lamb of a thing . " The boy thought that perhaps this meant that the demon would take pity on him , and he drew in his breath to speak . " Please , sir , " he said , his voice a thread , " I didn 't mean to . I don 't know what I did . I am small , and , and , like you said , I 'm not going to hurt anyone , I don 't know what I did . " The red man bent closer and with his sharp red teeth showing , he smiled . " Ah , " he said to the boy . " A lost lamb , yes . So lost . I will explain to you , dear one , and then you will understand . You 've heard stories , you know what I am . I emerge from that metal prison , I grant you three , and then I am suffering inside while you go on with your life , while you humans take what I have given and toss aside this ornament that is of no use to any , not even for light . " " I want a wife , please , Wait , though , I know how this works . I need to explain . I want a wife who the same age that I am , and alive , and well . She must be very beautiful , and she must be here . Please . " The man nodded , and the woman appeared . She was very beautiful , so lovely that the boy was stricken . He gazed at the bright eyes and full lips and long limbs of his new wife , and he fell to his knees . " I love you , " he said . She spat in his face and walked out of the attic room without looking back . The boy scrambled to his feet , knees jerking in his eagerness and despair , and followed her . For a week the red demon watched them as he tried to reason with her , tried to tell her how much he loved her , tried to make her understand that his heart beat for her . One morning , the boy came to the demon and said , " I need to use the second . I want my wife to love me . I want her to love me more than anything . " The red man nodded . Barely had a moment passed when the boy heard footsteps pounding down the hall . The boy 's wife rushed in . She knelt in front of him and turned her lovely face to his . She said , " Oh , my husband , I love you , " and the sound of her voice was sweet and soft to his ears . He pulled her to her feet and kissed her . She drew him out of the room . The red man watched for a day as the boy lived in perfect happiness with his bride . The boy thought of nothing else until they woke the next morning . The boy walked into the kitchen and his wife followed him . He prepared breakfast , brought it to the table , and began to eat . His wife watched . When he offered her a morsel of food , she shook her head . He pushed a glass of water toward her , and gently she slid it back to him . The boy stopped eating and said , " My love , why will you not eat or drink ? You must be hungry . " She looked at him with something like surprise written on her face , and said , " My husband , I love you more than anything . I cannot love anything else more than I love you . I love you more than the wants of my body . I love you more than life itself . " She shook her head . Finally , he shrugged and finished his own food . They repeated this scene at midday and in the evening . They sat on a terrace before the lightless sky and he begged her to eat , but she only shook her head . " I cannot , " she told him , " for that would change things . I cannot . " On the third day , the boy 's wife could not get out of bed . He lay next to her and put his arms around her , and her answering smile was week . On the fourth day , he tried to pour water into her mouth , but she choked and spat . On the fifth day , when he awoke , she wasn 't breathing . The red demon smiled at the boy , whose eyes were swollen and sore with tears . His voice was ragged and he said , " I need to use my third . I know better than to wake the dead , so you won 't have me that way . I want to go back to before any of this . I want to go back to before I touched your lamp , before you appeared , before any of this happened . Please . " The man nodded , and the world shifted . The boy was alone , with no horrors clouding his mind . He was trying to clean out the attic room at the top of the stairs , but it was so cluttered with the shiny forgotten pieces of somebody else 's life that he was struggling to find anything . He reached into the box in front of him , and his fingers brushed the smooth brass of an old lamp . Peter makes greeting cards that are out of the ordinary . Most greeting cards say things like " Congratulations on your graduation ! " or " Our thoughts are with you in this time of loss " or " Happy birthday to the best grandma ever ! " But Peter doesn 't work for Hallmark . He works for a bigger company whose name nobody knows . He used to work for SparkleCards . They were a cheery offshoot of some bigger company , and for them he wrote lines that ended up in flowing script to condole , to congratulate , to celebrate . There was nothing exceptional about them , though he was very good at his job . One day he came into his office and on his desk was a black business card . He couldn 't see anything written on it , the dull black rectangle on his desk , until he held it up and it caught the light . The glow from his overhead lamp lit up letters in white , shining against the black . It was a name and a number . He muttered , " Foolish way to advertise , " but he called the number . A secretary 's bright voice asked who he was , and his reason for calling . He said , " Peter Celsten , I found a card - " and a long beep interrupted him . The phone rang again and a man 's brisk voice rattled off an address and a time . Peter never could resist a mystery . The office building at the address given was hard to find , though not far . It was enmeshed in a cluster of apartments and the sprawling buildings of a hospital , but he made it up to the right floor with several minutes to spare . A small man in a neat suit ushered him in and thrust him into a chair almost before he realized what was happening . The man began the interview and it dawned on Peter that he was , in fact , interviewing for a job . He asked , nonplussed , at the end about it . " Oh , " said the small man , surprise pitching his voice . " It 's for this company , writing cards . We 'll pay you one point five seven times what you 're earning now . Will you work for us ? " The office at the new company was slightly bigger than his old one . The secretaries were pretty , and his new boss was waiting for him with a sheaf of papers . The small man handed the packet to Peter and said , " Here is your first batch . Could you , hm , get them to me by the end of the week ? It somewhat urgent , as you will notice . " Peter sat at his desk , rolling the chair back and forth on the carpet . He studied the tracks that the wheels made , faint against the white plush , before turning his attention to his new work . The packet was thick , fastened with a metal clip . The first page looked like some kind of brief personal bio as he began to read . Annabelle Watkins , 76 ; Neurodegenerative Disorder ( type 46B ) ; Due Date / Day before Death : April 23rd ( High Priority ! ) . Peter sprang up and into the small man 's office . The man looked up , unsurprised . Peter got out a few strangled words before his boss silenced him with an explanation . He said that cards are meant to mark occasions , and their company was tasked with marking the most momentous occasion a person could ever have in his life : the end of it . He described , in exacting steps , the process of creating and delivering the cards . He clarified the nature of the recipients , that not everybody received a card , because only those whose deaths were momentous of some sort or another warranted a personalized card . Sometimes , he said , lots of people who were dying all at once got a generic card , but there was less demand for those . People don 't want their deaths to be mass - produced . It was a long time before anybody he knew showed up in Peter 's packet of bios . His mother 's friend Sarah was the second person he was assigned one day almost a year after he started working for the death card company . She was in her sixties , not that old , and she 'd never had serious health problems that he knew about . Even so , there she was : Sarah Epstein , 64 ; Cardiac Arrest ( sudden , first ) ; Due Date / Three Days before Death : February 18th . He put Sarah 's card in a red envelope . Heart disease went with liver and kidney problems or complications . They all got red envelopes . Brain - related deaths got blue ; sudden accidental deaths were put in yellow envelopes ; murder and suicide envelopes were brown . There were other colors but those were , he found , the most common . A few times he had put together the death cards for people who worked at the card company . They all got gray envelopes , though he wasn 't sure if it was because of working at the company regardless of cause of death or if , actually , they all died of the same thing . It wasn 't the sort of thing he asked his boss . Peter mostly shuffled the death cards into the right piles now , one file for each color , and didn 't think much of it . He paused for a long time over Sarah 's card . He 'd written a nice normal one for her , as comforting as he could make it . After he finished for the day , he called her up . They hadn 't spoken for a long time , not since Peter had been fighting with his mother . When she answered the phone he was surprised at the cracked dry voice that answered . It seemed to be a parched version of what he 'd known . They had a nice chat , Peter and Sarah , and asked polite questions and got polite answers . It didn 't make him feel any better . She told him it was lovely to hear from him and hung up , thinking nothing of it probably , a little bemused and unaware still of the death waiting for her in three more days . Peter tossed the phone from hand to hand for a minute and then put it down and went on with his day . Peter learned a sort of balance in his work . It caught him between empathy and detachment , between sorrow and practicality . It placed him precisely at the moment between life and death . Sometimes people he knew , or people he 'd heard of , showed up in his packet of death assignments for the day . It always caused a twinge of unease , but Peter tried not to let it bother him too much . He knew that , one day , there would be a gray envelope in his own mail . Once he got to the other side of the universe , he didn 't quite know what to do with himself . He had tunneled for so long , chipping and scraping at the rock until mountains of fine soft powder were piled in the path behind him . The other side of the universe had broken on him , all of a sudden , like the unveiling of a face before him . He had stood , awed by it , and a little scared . A small wish surfaced in his mind that the veil would draw across the face again , and the features be misty and far once more . There was a citadel on the other side of the universe , a great staggering thing built of feathered balustrades and climbing towers . It reached the sky and pierced the heavens , and he imagined that past the boundless blue there must be twining iron and stone still reaching farther . He had come to be a hero . He had followed the dragon through the universe , through the rock and out to the other side . He was meant to be a hero and fight the dragon until it died on his sword and order was restored . There was probably a maiden to save , or a kingdom to vanquish . His mind was clouded and his memories elusive . When he reached for them , they scampered away . There must have been something , some thread of reason that he had made this journey . There was a reason that he was standing before this vast citadel that rose glorious and deadly before him . He just didn 't know what it was . When he took a faltering step forward , the ground melted and swayed under his foot . He stumbled , and caught himself . The world on the other side of the universe was treacherous . It might have been trying to toss him back out again . So then , he thought , it doesn 't want me . I must be here for a reason , see ? But the reason was not there . No dragon spiraled the towers of the citadel . No gust of wind fell from its wings . Whatever he had followed was not there . He took another step , and trembled . The ground was roiling now , tossing like the sea . He fell to his knees and clutched at the earth beneath him - or was it earth ? - gritting his teeth and clenching shut his eyes . The citadel did not move . It stayed motionless and immense while the ground surged before it . He was supposed to be a hero . He did not know what that meant , but it did not mean turning back and whimpering away through the tunnel he had dug for so long , with such determination that it had shredded his fingernails and made his fingers bleed . He dug his fingers into the ground and hauled himself forward . The citadel wavered in his vision as he rose and fell with the waves of the earth , but he did not stop . It was closer now , and closer . He would reach it . When he had dragged himself across the heaving earth for hours , the citadel was in his reach . The iron of the wall was cold under his palm . He curled his hands around its ridges and ignored the quiver in his muscles , weak with fatigue as they were . When he reached the first flat platform of the tower , he curled up on the smooth stone floor . In front of him , as he faced out , the wall of rock rose gray and infinite . His tunnel was a pathetic hole halfway down , a little black spot like a drop of ink on the endless page . The ground where he had crawled was still rolling and falling . He watched it until he fell asleep . He awoke when the light of dawn drenched the citadel . He turned , in awe , to look at the black shadows that cut across the towers and turrets , and the pale light that blanched the building in stripes . The warmth of morning crept close to his skin as he shivered in the shadow of his walls . He gathered his strength , looked up , and began to climb once more . There was no reason to it now , no dragon and no maiden . He did not know what he was following , or if there was anything above him . He reached and gripped and pulled himself upward . He climbed all day , and slept again at night . The ground below , still tumbling , looked very far away now , but when he tipped his face to the sky there was still a ceaseless stretch of stone and iron above him . He climbed , and slept , and climbed again for a long time . His skin hardened . The hold he had made in the rock of the universe disappeared , a forgotten blot long past . The towers thinned and twisted . No dragon could nest this high . No human had ever reached this height . He had to be a hero , by now . The crag of tower where he was clinging was nearly at the sky . He could barely breathe , but he could see the blue above him , and the place where the tower broke through it . In another day he heaved himself over an edge of stone and his head scraped against the sky . He curved himself around and put his fingers through the edge of the wound in the sky , between its curling edge and the iron that shot through it . He shoved , and bent the sky back . The edge of the sky was sharp , and it tore and sliced at his hands . He ignored the pain , for he was a hero . When there was a space enough to shimmy through , he clutched at the crumpled edge of sky and drew himself over . For a long and shuddering moment , the hero lay gasping on the top of the sky . Above him the towers of the citadel pushed endlessly into the black . He sat and caught his breath , and then he began to climb again . The house was newly dusty when they entered , lugging the trunks and boxes and suitcases and shopping bags full of odds and ends . The floor was covered with the fine sawdust like a soft thin carpet . Their shoes left shapes engraved into it as they walked . Colin complained , " Think they could have swept or vacuumed . Jeez . " Zoe rolled her eyes at him , twisting around to make the face and hauling a box after her . It skidded in the sawdust , leaving a clean patch of floor behind it . Colin wandered away , tipping his face up to look at the moldings and the light that touched the walls . " It 's bigger than I remembered , " his voice echoed back at her . " Wait , look , they left a cabinet thing . A night table , maybe ? Come in here and see . " Zoe let the box - end drop with a whisper of dust scurrying away from the thud . There was a little wooden set of drawer with a table - top in front of Colin , and he was staring at it quizzically . He didn 't turn his head when she came into the room , just said , " Seems odd they 'd leave it , doesn 't it ? It 's not like it could 've been from the last people who lived here , and I can 't think the builders would need it for anything , right ? " Zoe shrugged , and opened the first drawer . There was nothing in it but a pebble , the size of a quarter , so dark as to be almost black and bumpy , like it had been craggy until it spent half of eternity in a riverbed . Zoe leaned down and picked up the stone . It sat in her palm while they both stared , brow - furrowed , at this thing so out of place in their dusty new home . Then it moved . They both started a bit , and looked at each other . Colin said , " Did you see - " and Zoe nodded . The pebble wiggled again , shook itself as though it had been sleepy and was waking up . It kept moving , back and forth and side to side . Perhaps , Zoe thought in a dazy dreamlike way , it was dancing . She held out her hand to Colin , as if to ask him to take it , and he shook his head , his hands fluttering in the air . " No , " he said , " I don 't want the thing . Put it down . " Colin hunched his shoulders up to his ears . " I don 't know . God . Let it escape then . What 're we going to do with it ? " " You look like a turtle , " Zoe said . Colin scowled at her instead of relaxing . " We 're going to keep it . For now . Why not ? I 'm going to put it back . " The drawer was still open . When Zoe stretched her arm toward it , ready to place the pebble on the wood , it began to tremble . It wiggled and shook until the thing was practically vibrating , buzzing on Zoe 's palm . She drew her hand back , startled , and curled her fingers around it . " I guess not , " she said . " I 'll keep it with me , then . " She slid it gently into the pocket of her jeans and patted the lump it made in the denim , stretched over her thigh . Its shiver slowed and stopped . " We should move in more stuff , and we can look at it later . I don 't know . Let 's just get this done . " Colin nodded , and they went back to the truck to keep unloading . When they were both bent and grumpy with the ache of moving and their faces were gleaming with sweat , they stopped . Zoe set to assembling their new bed and Colin made oatmeal on their new stove . The pebble in her pocket thrummed while she moved , until it was shaking hard again . She plucked it from her pocket and held it between her fingers , before her face . " Listen , " she said , " This isn 't going to work if you 're just quivering all the time , okay ? It 's distracting and I 'm going to put you down . " Zoe jumped and almost dropped it . Its voice in her head screeched . " Sorry , " she said to it . " Uh . Sorry . What in heaven 's name are you ? " " Well , yes , " said Zoe . " Most stones can 't talk , and the normal non - sentient kinds are just all over the place . You know . Outside . Not in a drawer that is mysteriously in the living room of our new house . " - Those are the boring kind of rock , - the stone said . - I 'm the interesting kind . I used to be a boulder , you know . Great hulking thing . Long time ago . You know what you don 't want to happen to you when you 're a boulder ? Have a bloody evil sorceress stub her sodding toe on you and curse you into consciousness . - I 'm a teacher , student , writer , reader , and a couple other things . I live in New York . I think of writing like stories that get caught in my head . They sort of tickle until I can spin them out and pin them down . When I do , I put them here . I hope you like them - let me know . Voix de WilderI have a voice and it 's high time it 's heard . Talkalittledo - For Life Is FunnyReal Life . Real StoriesRANTS AND RAMBLESBecause sometimes , things just need to be said . Stroppy EditorMinding other people 's language . A lot . PostSecretTipsy Litthe publishing imprint of author ericka claysnobberyWill Write For Tuition MoneyThe ravings of a self - proclaimed starving - artistYinzercationYinzer Nation + Education = YinzercationA Confederacy of SpinstersSex , Dating , and Surviving Your TwentiesBorn To PootleBeing the adventures of Jonathan Laury , writer , weird - hunter , beard - wearer and one half of The Conversation Tree Podcast . @ BornToPootle @ TheConvoTreeThe AbandonedJust because you failed doesn 't make it the end , just the beginning . Daniel HaylesBook Hub , Inc . The Total Book ExperienceGrace and CandorSprinkles of Sunshine and Substancehear me outan outletMightier Than The PenMaking The World A Bitter PlacePechorin 's JournalA literary blogBroken CondomsA Mommy Blog for Those Who Never Wanted to Author / Read a Mommy BlogIntrovert Fairy TalesA quiet kind of Happily Ever After |
I left for Trudy 's at 7 : 15 AM . She had a Dr appointment that she needed me to take her to . It was at 11 : 00 AM so she , Sadie and I had some time together . Sadie had to leave for work at Chick - fil - le at 10 : 30 . Trudy was walking down the hall when I got there . Before , she wasn 't able to walk by herself . She used her walker to get to the car and into the Dr office . She had to move very slowly . The Dr said he would recommend for her to go to Vanderbilt for a second opinion . When we got back to her house , a friend was driving up to visit . They brought Sub Way sandwiches . Trudy isn 't eating and is drinking Ensure instead . She has no appetite . One of the reasons she went to the Dr today was she had some blisters on her back and they thought it might be the shingles . The Dr proscribed a medicine that if taken within 24 - 48 hours would help with the pain of the shingles . I left for home after I got Trudy settled in her bed in the living room . I had brought her egg carton that was on the bed downstairs , and put it on her living room bed . Carhartt , the Dash hound , wanted to lie next to Trudy in the nice comfy , warm bed . He is so cute . My leg hasn 't hurt as much today . I stopped by J & G and got a flower arrangement for the living room . I had a Christmas flower pot there and it kinda of hid some messy stuff behind it , so I thought another arrangement was in order . It will take us through Spring and Summer and I 'll get another arrangement for Fall and Winter . I going to take some food over to Trudy 's tomorrow . I 'll get up and make it in the morning . She 's not eating and the Home Health people said if she didn 't eat , she would have to have a feeding tube put in . I got some Boost for her and the food I 'm taking is mainly for her family . She may eat a spoon full or two . I thought yesterday was cold . It was 7 degrees this morning at 7 AM . I went to exercise anyway . It was cold at the senior center but we warmed up with the exercises . Friday , I will wear more clothes . I went to Karen 's after the senior center . I vacuumed her floors and took out the garbage for her . She has about 3 more weeks in the wheel chair before she can put any weight on her leg . Vacuuming the floors isn 't hard . I 'll need to do it once a week . I was caught up in my own problems and didn 't call or go see her all last week and that was when she had the infection in her incision . I felt bad . A friend in need is a friend indeed . I can 't help others in many ways so I need to help out all I can when I can . My thigh bone , the one that broke after my hip operation is hurting . I talked to the Dr 's nurse and she said the bone had healed and didn 't really know why it was hurting . It 's worse at night after I 've walked around a bit . Trudy is home and set up with a hospital bed , a wheel chair and a walker . Home Health is coming tomorrow to see her and help her decide what to do next . They are talking about going to Vanderbilt in TN . The church is sending in meals and I sent them a check for groceries . She 's having a lot of pain in her back . She has medicines for her heart but she wants the operation so she won 't have to take pills . I 'll take the pills , thank you . Mary Kate and family had 1 - 2 " of snow in LaGrange , GA . Birmingham and Atlanta were caught off guard with the snow and had a lot of traffic jams and wrecks . The snow missed us but the cold weather didn 't . The heat pump has been working over time and the gas stove in the basement has been going , too . It 's only 50 odd days ' til Spring but I 've see it snow in the middle of March here . I bet Frankie had snow in Knoxville . I haven 't heard from him . I 'm just thankful we didn 't have any snow here . I need to go to the grocery store tomorrow for the basics . Posted by A warm 18 degrees this morning . If the wind wouldn 't blow , it wouldn 't be so bad . It was lightly snowing when I went out to the pharmacy . It looked like someone had spilled flour on the road and it was blowing back and forth . Ann and I got out and did some VT at 1 PM . I have a down coat that keeps me warm . It was in the basement closet for years but I had to bring it out this year . New Orleans is supposed to get some freezing rain tonight . The cold front has really hit the Deep South . Tonight is President Obama 's 5th State of the Union address . I don 't plan on watching it . It 'll be more of his lies and I don 't like what he has planned for our union . We 'll hear about it tomorrow on Fox news . Our Constitution is hanging by a thread and he 's planning on governing by writing executive orders and skipping Congress . He refuses to work with the Republicans and the Senate is Democratic and on his side , so nothing gets done that needs to be done . Enough of this garbage ! I had to be in Hartselle at 10 AM to take the birds to the vet . I always leave too early and got there at 9 : 45 AM . After waiting a while and talking to a lady that came in with a blue fronted Amazon , we got to see Dr Jan . We 've been seeing her for at least 24 years . Rosko is 24 years old now . Rikki , Rosko and Gert all had their wings , beaks and nails done . I have to spray them or mist their noses daily . I don 't have to drench their feathers , just get some moisture into their sinuses . I have been lax in doing this because I thought I had to get them really wet . As I get older , it 's getting hard to carry three bird carriers down to Hartselle for their check - ups . It cost $ 150 . 00 just for trims , but Dr Jan makes it worth it . She gives me a hug every time I go and that means a lot . I left at 9 AM to go visit Trudy in H ' ville Hospital . While I was there , she was taken for a heart echo - gram . Also , while I was there , the heart Dr came in and said that nothing was wrong with her heart . She just has the syndrome where her heart races for some reason . There is a procedure for that . He spinal chord is alright but they don 't know why she can 't stand and walk . George and Sadie came while I was there . I left at 1 : 30 PM . That hospital is very large and at first I got off the elevator at the wrong floor to go to my car . I thought , " Oh no , what if I can 't find my car ! " , but I noticed that I had gotten off at the 1st floor instead of the 2nd so I got back on the elevator and made it to the 2nd floor and found my car right off . I 'm getting too old for this kind of excitement . I got home to find that Frank had eaten a banana and a brownie for lunch . When he saw me fix me lunch , he said he wanted some of what I was eating . I cooked three fresh veggies this afternoon so we will feast on veggies tonight . Mary Kate called to check on Trudy . Trudy 's in sad shape right now . She 's dehydrated and the nurse had a hard time finding a vein that would work . She called in the big guns and that nurse was able to get it in . I went to Walmart to get a few groceries and then came home . I washed my sheets and made the bed . Mary Kate had sent me a package and it came today . It was a pair of house shoes and they fit and a pretty black bag with colorful sun and butterflies and with " Nassau " printed under the butterflies . Now , it will be my Sunday bag . I 've tried two bags and they were both too big and now maybe this one will fit the bill . It is very pretty . She got it on her and Richards cruise to the Bahamas . The emergency room Dr told Trudy he had looked at the MRI and nothing was wrong with her and she should just go home . How rude ! If he knew her history with her degenerative back disease , he wouldn 't have talked like that . I just called her and she 's getting tests done and sounded good . She 's going to do something about the hospital dismissing her in her condition . She did get re - admitted and is in room 1842 . I " ll go see her tomorrow . Trudy 's 48 hours at the hospital was over and they sent her to the Pain Clinic . How she got there , I don 't know because she couldn 't walk . I 'm missing part of the story . Anyway , she 's back in the hospital waiting for more tests . Surely , we 'll know something by tomorrow night . She 's admitted to the hospital now . I was asleep by 10 PM and Frank woke me up at 1 AM saying he fell and cut his thumb open . I cleaned up the blood on the floor and we got dressed and went to the ER . That was about 1 : 30 AM . He got 7 stitches in his thumb , got a tetanus shot and got his thumb x - rayed . It was 5 AM when we got home . We went back to bed to try to get some rest . He hasn 't had much pain with the thumb and his other pain meds are probably helping with that . The Dr gave him a prescription for an antibiotic and some pain meds but the pain meds had Tylenol in it and it makes him sweat and he won 't take it . Trudy called tonight to say that she was going to have a mammogram and her heart started acting up so she went to the H ' ville Hospital ER and while she was there something happened to her back and her legs went numb . She was waiting to go back and get an MRI and she may be having a back operation soon . She told me to call Mary Kate and Frankie which I did . I tried to call her back but her phone was on answering mode . She 's been helping take care of Lyndel all week and I guess she has gotten all stressed out . It was a holiday so we didn 't have exercise . Martin Luther King , Jr holiday . I slept late and then went to Walmart for a few groceries . Read some in the new book I got from Amazon . Actually , I got two books and they were used but in great condition . The dust cover on one needed some repair but the book itself was pristine . I had just finished reading , When I Get Old , I Shall Wear Purple , and I searched the publisher on Amazon and found these two other books . So far the second book , I Am Becoming the Woman I 've Wanted , isn 't as good as the Purple book . I 'm 2 / 3rd the way through it . The second book is , If I Had My Life to Live Over , I Would Pick More Daisies . They are about women who have aged . They 're short stories and poems . I bought one for my Kindle , Over Seventy , but it was a short book in semi - verse and I was disappointed it was so short . I didn 't much like it , though . So I didn 't do much of anything today . Tomorrow , Mr Rooter is coming to replace the pipe under the road . I 'll have to stay around home because they will probably want to be paid after they do the work like the time the line was unstuck to the bathroom . I was expecting a bill from the company , but the young man who did the work wanted to be paid then . I guess it would be easy to get the work done and then not pay the bill . Doesn 't matter , pay now or later . I was invited to the RS stake meeting so I went . I sat with Joy and the other RS presidency . The meetings were excellent but the pianist didn 't really need to be there . From there I drove to H ' ville to see my brother and Ruth at the gun show . The parking lot was full and so was the hall . They hadn 't sold much but there were many people there . I visited a while and then left to be back home by 3 PM like I told Frank . There was lots of traffic the way I like to go . The interstate would have been faster but I don 't like to drive that way , so I put up with traffic . The choir sings tomorrow . I 'll need to be at church by 8 : 30 AM to go over the song . I 've practiced it all week but I didn 't play it today . I 'll run through it in the morning before I go to church . Trudy stopped by the gun show before I got there . She 's wearing a heart monitor to see why her heart is racing so much . She has a good friend who is dying of cancer and she 's helping out with her . Posted by We went to the Athens - Limestone hospital to get a test done to be sent to Dr Phillip 's office . The hospital waiting area was full and I felt uncomfortable about germs . Where do sick people go except to the hospital . We didn 't have to wait long . He had to get his calcium level tested . We take Citracal tabs and drink 3 glasses of milk a day plus eating a meal of cottage cheese once or twice a week . We get our calcium levels taken because we get the shot , Prolia , that treats for weak bones . I finished re - reading the anthology , When I Am Old , I Shall Wear Purple . Being older , I appreciated it more . Since I am older , 71 , I wear bright tennis shoes . They happen to be in style and I like them . Would I wear them if they weren 't in style ? Probably . Being older makes you not care about what other people think . I found three books about old women on Amazon that I ordered . One was for the Kindle and the other two are hard cover or paper backs . I 'll get them Saturday . We had the electricity off for 1 1 / 2 hours today . The telephone pole between Bobby 's and our house needed replacing and the power had to go off . We share a transformer and the men got everything shifted alright . We sat and ate our Burger King lunch while the lights were out . The birds seemed a little nervous about it but they were okay . I had put a load of clothes in the washer before I left home and I put them in the dryer and loaded another load in the washer . While that was going on , I put some Mr Clean in a bucket and mopped the bathroom floor . I had some Scrubbing Bubbles for the tub and they did a good job of cleaning it . Next came the washing of the wet towels . They smelled bad wet but after they were washed and dried they were alright . The last load of towels were so bad that I washed them twice before I let the cycle finish . They are in the dryer now . I 'll fold them later . I called Mr Rooter and scheduled a time for them to replace the pipe under the road so there will be no back up again . We 've lived here 34 years and have only had the septic tank pumped out once . The line into the house was stopped up this time . I guess it doesn 't matter what causes it to back up the result is the same . I practiced the songs for choir . We sing this Sunday . I need to practice the piano every day til Sunday so I can get the songs right . They are not too hard but they are not that easy either . I still have the terrible cough . It 's getting some better but I still cough hard at times . I 'll take Frank to the hospital tomorrow to get a lab test of his calcium . Dr Phillips ' office wants the test done . It 's supposed to rain tonight and if it 's raining tomorrow , we not go get the test done . They said we could have snow showers tonight but no accumulation . I 'm ready for Spring . My right leg is hurting some or is weak . I went up and down the stairs a lot today and it hurts when I walk on it tonight . I guess it 's a big deal to have a broken bone . Had to be at the Pain Clinic at 9 AM this morning just to pick up the Rx and see the nurse . If he had had any problems , then the nurse would have been able to help , but no problems . The problem was at the pharmacy . Our co - pay went from $ 40 . 00 to $ 147 . 33 ! We have a charge account there and they said they could take it off the charge if we didn 't want it but Frank has to have it so we got it . I imagine most of our medicines will go up . TVA has a new drug company and their formulary is probably different from what we were used to . I went shopping after lunch . Got some fresh fruit and veggies and some disinfectant to clean the downstairs basement with . I have lots of laundry to do and will get up early to put a load in before I go to Silver Sneakers . I hate the thought of having to mop the floors but I have to do it . I got some rubber gloves and lots of cleaners . I have to clean the tub and shower curtain , too . Ugh ! We 're having the sewer pipe replaced under the road that goes around the house and we should never have to go through a back up again . Trudy is still at the hospital with Lyndall . They are trying to get her in some sort of cancer treatment . It 's on her spine and I don 't know what they can do . This may be her ticket home . Frank had an eye exam with Dr Moody this morning at 8 AM . It had been a year since he had been in and his eyes were okay . We got out in time for the bank to open so I could make a deposit and then we came home . It was raining and I needed to buy groceries but the rain kept me in . I worked some in the downstairs bathroom but need to get some disinfectant before I can mop the floors . I want to get some to put in the washing machine too . The towels are nasty and I don 't trust just soap and hot water to clean them . Bleach will take the color out of the green towels so I don 't want to use it . I need to get some rubber gloves , too . We have a pain clinic appointment tomorrow at 9 AM and we 'll leave at 8 AM . I 'll do my shopping after lunch . I 've got to find something to do with my time . I spent all afternoon snoozing in my recliner today and I can 't do that the rest of my life . I don 't have the desire to do much of anything . I have to practice on the piano and I should do it every day but that 's just about an hour a day . Once I get the disinfectant I 'll be working downstairs on the bathroom and laundry . My leg hurts some where it was broken . I can still walk okay but it hurts to put all my weight on it when I 'm putting on my socks . I 'm lucky it could be fixed so I shouldn 't complain . Trudy 's friend , Lyndel , is dying of cancer of the spine . Trudy is spending time at the hospital with her . It 's hard to loose a friend like that . Posted by We waited all day to hear from the Mr Rooter company . In the afternoon , I called them and the lady said that they had us down for Sunday but since we were backed up , she moved us to today and said they would call when they were ready to come out . We got the call at 5 PM . A young man by the name of Josh came and found the septic tank and dug it out with a shovel . The tank was okay but the line coming from the house was blocked up . He did the rooter thing and eventually the tub and the toilet drained . He said that the road around the house ran over the line or pipe and had squashed the line . That the rooter had a hard time getting under the road and then it ran free . He suggested a procedure that would install new pipe and would fix it so it would never back up into the house again . About a $ 550 - 650 . 00 job . It would be worth it to guarantee no more back ups . We 'll cogitate on it . Frank 's toilet overflowed when he flushed it , so I used 6 towels getting up the water from the floor . Monday , I 'll be washing towels all day . I have the rugs in the washer now . I was afraid to use it , the washer , while things were stopped up . I 'll take care of them before I go to bed . Then Monday , I 'll have to clean and disinfect the bathroom in the basement . Water was everywhere in there and coming out the bathroom door . Oh , the joys of being on a septic tank . The Cook 's termite technician came and found water in the basement . I had been down there yesterday but only went as far as the piano . The toilet had overflown and the tub was full of water ! I had three rugs that were sopping wet which I put in the washer to get the water out , and I put towels down to catch some of the water . What water we use upstairs drains through the basement so we 're not using any water upstairs . I called Roto Rooter and they said they could come tomorrow . She said it sounded like a backed up septic tank but with the very cold weather we 've been having , I thought some pipe might have frozen somewhere . It 's an unsanitary mess and I will have a lot of cleaning to do after it 's fixed . Today was my day to take food to Karen . I baked a devil 's food cake , iced it with Cool Whip and sprinkled Heath bar nuggets on top . I cooked some sausage and added a can of dirty rice mix to it . It was too salty but I hope she can eat it . I made some mashed potatoes with butter . I had never tried this kind of potato flakes and they were very good . Idaho , yellow buttery potatoes that really tasted fine . I will have to get some more . They came in a 4 serving pouch . I took the food , visited and came home and fixed lunch for us . Bro Toone and 2 of the priests came out and pruned my Crape Myrtles and Butterfly bushes this afternoon . The 2 priests were 16 year old boys and they all worked so hard . They carried all the cuttings to the burn pile and even said they would come out and burn them for us . I could get some hot dogs and marshmallows and we could have a party . I guess we 'll burn the pile in the spring . I carried the big hose out to the shed and the boys put it in the shed for me . My leg is hurting now . I really shouldn 't be doing stuff like that , not now anyway . It 's been a year tomorrow that I had my second surgery done . Mary Kate and family called and sang happy birthday to me . Trudy emailed me last night - morning and Frankie will probably send a birthday card late . That 's okay . I accept all cards , early or late . My dear friend Kathy always sends me a card . I really appreciate her and her ability to remember everyone 's special days . After exercise , I 'll take Frank to the hospital to get a calcium test done that his Dr in H ' ville wants . I don 't know why their lab couldn 't do it . The weather has moderated and it isn 't as cold as it 's been so it won 't be a bad trip . I didn 't go to exercise today . I overslept and hate to be rushed . I practiced the new song for choir and snoozed in the recliner a while . Talked with Mary Kate . They had a good time on their cruise . The sister missionaries came out for a visit this evening . They gave us each a Book of Mormon and we put our testimonies in them and they will give them out as they see people . We have a very nice visit with them . The pipes at the church burst and caused water damage in the side the Family History Center is on . That 's the side we go into church . We don 't know if we will have church there Sunday or not . I have to get up early tomorrow so I can shower and bake a cake and fix lunch for Karen . The cake has to cool so the Cool Whip won 't melt on it when it 's spread on top of the cake . The lunch is from a can . It 's called dirty rice and I have to cook a lb of sausage and add the contents of the can to it . I hope it turns out okay . I haven 't fixed it before but it sounded good . Trudy has facet injections tomorrow and plans to drive to Mary Kate 's in LaGrange , GA Friday . She shouldn 't be driving that far by herself . Heard from Frankie and things are going good at his place . The kids had a day out of school because it 's so cold . I think Nate and Sophia missed school , too . The sisters said they would come out and help me prune the shrubs . The young men were supposed to help but I haven 't heard anything from them so if it warms up enough Saturday , we might be pruning the Crape Myrtles and the Butterfly bushes . There 's a lot to prune and it will be good to get it done . Posted by I think it was 8 degrees this morning . I stayed in and did some cleaning and went out after lunch . It was 15 degrees then . I had my down coat and a scarf on plus gloves . I didn 't get cold and after I had been in Walmart for a while I wanted to take the scarf off . I stopped by Goody 's and took back the large shirt and got a medium red flannel shirt for Frank . It 's nice looking . I didn 't want to look for myself . I have so many clothes , I can 't wear them all . Come Spring time and that will be another matter , depending on what I can wear from last season . I do enjoy buying clothes . I 'm not a shoe person but I love purses . I didn 't get a new one Black Friday like I usually do . I had bought a new one at Kohl 's a month or two before so I didn 't want another new one , but Mary Kate bought me a nice , light coat that looks nice . I watched the Auburn - Florida State championship game . Auburn lead almost all the way but at the last moment , Florida State scored and time ran out . Auburn played a good game . They deserved to be the SEC champions , but the Tide is always going to roll . It was 13 degrees F . this morning when I went to the senior center for exercise . Not many people came it was so cold . The senior center fixed meals and had those 60 and over take one or two so the food wouldn 't spoil . I got 4 , one for Frank and me and 2 for Karen . The food was pretty good and was filling . After exercise , I went out to visit Karen . I took her some chocolate and some oranges and taught her how to cut a hole in the top of the orange and suck the juice out and then turn the orange inside out and eat the innards . She hadn 't ever eaten an orange like that . I vacuumed the floors and loaded the dish washer for her . She can get around pretty good in the wheelchair but she can 't run the vacuum or take out the garbage . The Walker 's were bringing food for her this afternoon . I take food over Thursday and we will celebrate my birthday then too . I 'll make the cake that Trudy made for us . Chocolate devil 's food with a cool whip topping with crushed Heath bars on top of that . It is really good . I came home and snoozed a bit in the recliner and then got up and cooked some fresh veggies for supper . The BCS bowl game between Florida State and Auburn is on now . B - bowl , C - champion , S - series . I want Auburn to win , but I don 't know who will . Tomorrow , I 'll probably go to Goody 's and take back the flannel shirt that was too large . Don 't know if I 'll get another shirt or not . I don 't need any clothes and one more flannel shirt for Frank would be good . The ones he has are old . Heard from Frankie tonight . It was cold in Knoxville today and they had about 1 " of snow . The schools are closed tomorrow . It will probably be colder here tomorrow . I have a black part - down coat that I got out of the basement closet to wear today . It has a hood and is warm in this weather . I 'm ready for Spring already . I went to Goody 's to get Frank a flannel shirt . All I could find were XXL but as I wandered up to the front of the store , I found a rack of flannel shirts . I got a large and a medium . The medium shirt fit and the large was too big . I 'll take it back and see if I can get another medium . Washed clothes and practiced the piano , dust mopped the floors and swept the porch and that 's about all I did . I did cook lunch which we ate for dinner , too . I have some fresh veggies in the refrigerator that I can cook tomorrow . Trudy sent me an email saying that she 's been in a lot of pain and has been really depressed these last two weeks . She 's going to try to get some more pain meds . Her back hasn 't gotten much better after the operation . It 's a cold , blustery day today . I needed to go into town . I had two boxes of music to send to Kayla . She might as well have it now since she 's still practicing and learning new music . When I die , she might not be interested in it . I stopped by Dr Walker 's office to pick up an Rx and talk to the girl that does the books at Westside . Our payment wasn 't recorded and our bill for this month is $ 400 . 00 something . I never forget to pay the pharmacy or anybody else . One time I forgot to hit the " pay " key and the bills didn 't get paid at all that month . I haven 't made that mistake ever again . I had to take 4 watches back to Walmart . I got them for Frank to look at but he didn 't like any of them . That was $ 96 . 00 I got put back on my card . As I was doing that transaction , I heard my name called out on the store loud speaker . I was puzzled and went to customer service . I met Wanda there . She had called Frank and he had said I was there . She had made a cake for my birthday and had it in her car . We sat and visited for a while . I had to go back into Walmart to buy some fresh veggies and some food to take to Karen 's the 9th . I got her a box of chocolates and I 'm going to make a cake that Trudy made for our anniversary that was very good . It 's a dark chocolate cake with Cool Whip on top and then Heath bars crushed up and sprinkled on top of that . It 's really good . The weather was cold and windy . Wanda said it was to get to 9 degrees by the weekend . Burrrrr ! That 's too cold for the deep South . I 'm glad we got the gas heater fixed in the basement . The Sugar Bowl is on tonight . Alabama plays Oklahoma , I think . The Duke and Texas A & M game was good and A & M won . Watching the bowl games has been fun . It 's New Years Day and I 'll be watching more football . It beats Fox News . Tomorrow , Alabama plays in the Sugar Bowl . They play at night . Last night I fell asleep watching a football game and woke up at 1 : 30 AM with the TV going and the lights were on . I shut everything down and went back to sleep . I was watching Duke and Texas A & M . Duke was winning but A & M played some exciting football in the second half . A & M 's quarterback is called Johnny Football . He was pretty fascinating to watch but I think Duke had the more powerful team . I could take the watches back to Walmart today but I don 't know if I 'll get out or not . I filled two boxes full of piano music for Kayla . I 'll mail them tomorrow or Friday . Maybe going book rate they won 't be too costly . I still have lots of music . Sophrona wants me to begin teaching again but I don 't think I will . Frank 's dementia is not going to get any better and it weighs on my mind . Plus Trudy comes over once a week to spend the day and night and it varies when she will come . I 'm a graduate of the University of Alabama , class of ' 66 . I majored in music , piano and organ . I taught private piano lessons in Tuscaloosa for a year and then got a teaching job in Key West , FL . There I met my husband , Frank and four months later we were married . Have lived in Athens , AL since 1976 . My children grew up in Athens . My husband is bedridden now so I add the title of care taker to the title of homemaker . I never wanted to work outside the home . I enjoyed gardening until I got breast cancer in 2002 . I 'm not able to do much garden work now , and I miss it . I enjoy going to the Wellness Ctr . to exercise . I enjoy making greeting cards and usually make a card or two each day . I love getting together with my daughters , Trudy and Mary Kate and my grandchildren . My son , Frank , lives in Knoxville , TN , so I don 't see him often . He has 4 children . I enjoy being a grandmother . please keep it in order to retain your counter functionality Insurance quotes are the way to start looking for insurance . simply by putting attention to website offerring allstate insurance the purchace process can be optimized . 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Landon Logan is a man haunted by a tragedy that he blames himself for but didn 't do . No one can convince him otherwise - - especially his well - meaning Grandda who happens to be dead . Landon is a necromancer . Dillon Malone has a few abilities of her own . She can " find " things by touching the owner or touching something the owner has touched . This makes her a wanted woman . Chapter One Landon could see the people below him walking around the quad like nothing was going on . There was a lot going on so far as he could see , and it made him nuts to think that no one else in the world could see and hear what he could . He glanced over at the letter he 'd gotten from his parents ' attorney this morning and then back out the window . Happy birthday to me , he thought . It occurred to him then , and not for the first time , that he should just jump . End his life . It wasn 't much of one β¦ even at nine he knew that . And now . . . he figured that everyone might be a little better off if he did . He knew now that his parents thought so . They seldom , if ever , had anything to do with him other than to tell him what a disappointment he was to them , and that they wished they 'd given him away as soon as he took his first breath . They certainly knew how to make him feel good . Picking up the letter again , he read it aloud . " I 'm to inform you , Landon Michael Logan the Sixth , that your parents have taken steps to not allow you back into the family home . Should you try , you will be arrested on sight . If you attempt to contact my clients , you will be arrested and charged with trespassing . They have , in their words , written you out of their lives . " Provisions have been made for your care . You will be allowed to finish your school years there at the academy , and so long as your grades are not below par , you will continue to have money in your account should you need it , but this is limited to what they feel is necessary , not you . Tuition , as well as your books , will be paid for out of that fund as well . " At this time you have not been taken out of their will . They feel that doing so will make it so that , should they pass away too soon , you will not be cared for in a manner in which they have said . In addition , they feel it would be an embarrassment to their good name should they cut you out without anything and people were to find out about it . But there are rules that apply to you for the rest of your youth that you must abide by , or there will be nothing . You will not , however , inherit anything from their estate . " Landon knew that his name , or that of his parents , would have opened any doors for him should he want it to . But for him , it had only been a name . Nothing much to brag on , and certainly nothing prideful about it as with other families he 'd seen at school since he 'd been here . As long as he didn 't ask for or expect any comfort or love from the two people in the world who were supposed to provide it for him , Landon had hoped that they 'd forget about him . Apparently , they had not . His father was abusive , both physically as well as verbally , and his mother a tyrant , only out to get what she could from others and never give a dime back , even when it was expected of her . His parents were the perfect couple for each other as far as Landon was concerned . Picking up where he left off , he read the rest of the letter . " At that time you turn eighteen you will be given a lump sum of cash . This money will be all that you will receive from the estate . You will not under any circumstances tell anyone of this settlement , nor will you ask for more . There simply is nothing for you . Then when you are twenty - five you will receive the rest of your money as has been willed to you by your grandfather . In the event that your parents should die at any time before the dates mentioned in this letter , this accounting will be carried out by their attorney and there will be no more funding after such time . At this time , you are their child in name only . A full accounting of the rules will come to you when it is time . " If they died ? He was pretty sure that they would if any of the things around him were any indication . There were dead walking around all the time . Landon looked over at the man who was standing there staring at him . His grandfather , he 'd told him the first time he 'd come to him , was the only man in the world that Landon had ever trusted . " They disown you ? " Landon nodded . " Selfish shits . What do they think you 're going to do as a kid ? Find you a job or something ? Not likely . I didn 't leave them that money . . . I didn 't leave it so they could be cold and heartless to you . " " I 'm pretty sure they think they have enough reasons . You know what kind of person I 've been . " His grandda , a Landon too , only shook his head . Landon looked out the window again and continued . " I 'm thinking of joining you . I just don 't know what I have to live for anymore . I think Mother and Father would be much - " " You 'll do no such thing . Why do you want to go and do something stupid like that ? You think they 're going to mourn you ? They will not . They 'd have to have a heart to do that , don 't you think ? " Landon said he was tired of it all . " Yeah , I know that feeling . Got me a terrible case of the tiredness until I realized that you could see and have a nice conversation with me . What am I to do if you 're not around ? Now that I got you here and I 'm not ready to stop talking to you as yet . " Landon watched a boy he knew running across the quad , with a bunch of the older boys chasing him . Two weeks ago that had been him . Since then he 'd been hiding out in his room , only leaving when he absolutely had to . " They 're not nice here . I mean , I 'm not either , I guess , but they 're cruel to each other and even to themselves . I 'm betting that not one person would care . I even doubt anyone here would notice me for days after I was gone . It wouldn 't be me that brings them looking , but the smell of it . " " That 's enough there , Landon . I don 't want you feeling sorry for yourself . You should just get your ass to class and forget all that other crap . You know I got me a powerful need to see what lies that history teacher is telling you kids . If I was alive , I 'd tear him a new ass , let me tell you . " Landon smiled and thought that a smile shouldn 't be painful like this one was . " Landon , son , don 't do it . " He pulled the gun out of his pocket and held it in his hands . He heard the sharp intake of breath and wondered what his grandda would do if he were just to look him in the eye and use it . Landon had bought it several days ago , and had been surprised at how easy it had been to do so . His grandda came to stand beside him and Landon put it out to him , knowing that he couldn 't touch it , wanting him to see how serious he was about ending his life . " They don 't like me . They never have . I know that I 've not been the best of kids , but I only wanted them to see me . See that I 'm a person too . But they never did , not when I was good nor when I was bad . I can 't take this anymore , Grandda . " His grandda told him that he could see him . " It 's not the same . I wanted them to say they love me . That they want me in their lives . But what do they do ? They send me a letter from their attorney and have him tell me that I 'm not to ever come home again . " The longer he stood there saying nothing , the more appeal it had to just put the gun in his mouth and pull the trigger . He knew that he could do it . He 'd even read up on how his head would look when he was done . Not that it mattered really , but he did want to just end his life . Looking up at his grandda when he said his name , Landon knew that it was time . " Goodbye , Grandda . I 'm so glad that I had you in my life . " Putting the small gun to his head , he closed his eyes . Pulling the trigger was as easy as opening the door , and he knew that he 'd be dead long before he hit the floor . But nothing happened . Pulling the trigger again and again , he opened his eyes to see his grandda looking at him . " Got me ways of making sure you 're safe . " He asked him what he meant . " Took me a person and had him come in and take the bullets out for you when I saw that you had it . Can 't lose you , boy , you know that . You 're all I have in this here entire world , dead or alive . I can 't let you do this because of them . I had him take them out and put the gun back where you had it . Throwing them bullets away was the best thing I 've done for anyone in a very long time . I can 't be letting you do this to yourself , Landon . You 're my grandson and I have a need for you to be around for a bit longer . " Landon threw the gun at the ghost . He , of course , didn 't move , but Landon 's anger spiraled out of control . As he began tearing things up , curtains from the windows , his sheets from his bed , he began screaming how his life was his own and no one else 's . Then he saw the candle . Grabbing it up , he looked for matches as his grandda begged him to stop . He wasn 't sure what happened then . Landon woke up with his head spinning and the room he was in filled with smoke . The curtains were burning , as were his sheets and his books , and the letter from his parents ' attorney was there as well . As he started for it , to . . . he had no idea , he heard the first screams and knew that the fire had spread . He 'd caused the building to fill with smoke and now people were going to die . Because of him . Landon had no idea how he 'd gotten into the hallway . He was sick with the pain in his head , and his arm was hurting as well . Tumbling a few times as he tried to make his way down the smoke filled hall , he started pounding on doors to see if someone needed help out . The third door he came to was hot , but he opened it anyway . Pushing hard on the door nearly had him passing out , but he finally managed to get it open enough to see the boy lying in front of it . Dragging the boy out by his legs wasn 't easy . He was heavy for one thing , and Landon was sick now . Throwing up twice as he moved down the hall , he noticed that there was blood in his puke , and that scared him . Not that he wasn 't ready to die , but that the boy with him would as well . Getting him to the stairs , he sat down , trying to get his bearings . Two boys came up the stairs toward him , their hands full of something that looked like trash bags . He pleaded with them to help him . " Help me get him out of here . " They said they had things to do . " But he 'll die . I can 't let him die like this . Just help me get him out of here . " " Sucks to be you , I guess . " They were laughing as they made their way around him and to the next flight of stairs . Landon had no idea who they were or why they were in this part of the building , but he could see that they 'd escaped being burned by the fire and soot had gotten them . Their bodies were dark with it . " Follow me . " He looked at his grandda as he stood over him , his body floating just about a foot from the stairs that he was on . " Going down with your burden is going to be easier than going up . Just make sure that you pull him by his arms and not his legs . You don 't want to hurt his head any more than it already is . Come on , son , you can do this . I 'll get you out . " " I hurt him . " His grandda asked him how he figured that . " I set the fire . He wouldn 't have been hurt if I had just jumped like I wanted to . " " You didn 't do this , Landon . Not you . Them others , they did this , not you . " Landon nodded and said that he had the candle and it had caused it . " No , you didn 't . You might have been in the blast when it . . . why do you think you had a thing to do with this fire ? " " I set it . It 's what I was going to do when you hit me . " He told him he 'd never touched him , that he 'd been knocked out of the room before Landon had found the matches , that the explosion or whatever it had been had done it . " I must have found them then . I set fire to my room . " " You didn 't , I tell you . You didn 't do anything . " Landon picked up the boy 's legs and started down the stairs again , knowing that he was going to go to prison for this . And wouldn 't that just make his parents thrilled . " You didn 't do this , boy , I swear to you . " The next explosion rocked him . Hitting his head again , Landon knew a new kind of fear . The staircase was filled with flames now , and he was going to be burned alive , he just knew it . Landon sat up in the bed . The dream of that fateful day as a child coming back to haunt him every night was taking its toll on him . His body was covered in sweat , and he could hear the echo of his screams in his head . Whether or not he had vocalized them , he wasn 't sure . But it was bad enough that they were in his head . Again . Sitting on his bed , the shaking began and he pulled a blanket from the floor , soaked now with his sweat . Wrapping the blanket around him to keep the chills at bay some , Landon made his way to the bathroom to warm up . He nearly fell twice on his way , and had to go to his knees once when the tremors nearly had him throwing up . His body was frozen now , his head pounding so hard that he had trouble thinking beyond getting warm . Once he was in the bathroom , he turned the water to its hottest setting , and with his back to where the mirror usually hung , he leaned against the tile wall . " I 'm here , boy . " He nodded , knowing that his grandda would never leave him no matter what he 'd done now or back then . " You gotta talk to somebody , Landon . You can 't keep this up . You 're killing yourself . " " I 'm fine . " Grandda snorted . It was no less than he expected of him . " You never did tell me how you like the house . Did you find your way around all right ? " There was no point in arguing with him . His grandda had been telling him what to do since he 'd been about three and no one else was talking to him . Or listening to him . When he realized that not everyone could see what he could , Landon had lashed out , hurting those that might have helped him but letting his anger at being alone most of his young life keep everyone away . He 'd figured that would keep his heart safer . Not that it had . Stepping into the hot water , he was warmed immediately . From experience he knew that he 'd be doing the same thing again tomorrow , so he turned the water to a relatively cooler temperature so that in the morning his skin wouldn 't be tender from his abuse today . Scrubbing his body several times , Landon leaned against the wall and thought about his life . He was nearly twenty - nine years old , next week as a matter of fact . And it had been almost twenty years to the day since he 'd blown up the building he 'd been staying in , as well as two kids that he talked to daily , ones that haunted him still . And in all that time , since he 'd been released from the hospital a month later , he 'd not spoken a word to his mom and dad . That was until recently , when their attorney had reached out . They wanted to speak to him . Getting out after washing his body again , he dried off , still not looking in the mirror . He would have had it removed as he had in every other place he 'd been in , but he 'd not figured out how to do it . Someone had adhered it to the wall , and other than busting it to get it down , he had yet to get it out of this room . Landon figured that he didn 't need any more bad luck . Looking at his body was a constant reminder of that day . The scars , old and faded , seemed as fresh and raw as they had then . No pain was there any longer , but he did feel it all the same . Steele had been the only one to see them , and he 'd told him that they were barely noticeable . But Landon knew they were there . And always would be . Going to his bedroom again , he opened the huge closet and had to grin at what was there . Or in this case , what wasn 't there . The thing was as big as most bedrooms , holding not just things on hangers , but drawers for shoes and cufflinks , as well as watches and under things such as tee shirts and his boxers . Right now it had three tee - shirts hanging there , two pair of jeans that had seen better days , as well as a black suit in a bag that he 'd not opened in more years than he could remember . Pulling out the worst looking of the shirts , he pulled it over his head after he 'd put on his boxers and a pair of jeans . This was his attire on his day off . He headed to the kitchen , where he knew his grandda was waiting . Logan , what most people called him , watched his only grandson move around the kitchen ignoring him . He was fine with that β¦ for now . As Landon pulled out a big box of those flakes of corn he liked to eat , Logan suggested gently that he get him a banana to go with it . " No thanks . " They both eyed the fruit that had been in the bowl turning darker and darker since Addie had brought it to him a few days ago . " I have to go into town today . Are you going to be joining me ? " " I don 't think so . " Logan was sort of afraid of the town . There wasn 't really anything there that would hurt him , but he didn 't like all the people . It was why he 'd never met any of the others that Landon worked with . Logan just did not like the living . He 'd barely tolerated them when he was one of them and avoided them even now . But he didn 't want the same for his grandson . After he ate , Logan watched Landon put his things away and clean up the counter . He 'd been alone too long , Logan thought . The boy was a better housekeeper than most women he knew . And when he finished drying his one bowl and spoon , Logan looked at the sad state of affairs that was his cabinets . " You gonna get you some dishes today ? Maybe a pot or two . I heard you telling that other man , Mitch , that you wanted him to come on by and have some dinner with you . What you planning to do , share the one plate you have and that bowl ? " Landon said nothing , but Logan was used to that . That was another thing he didn 't care for , his grandson being so lonely . " You call that attorney back ? " That got a reaction . Not the one he wanted , but enough that Logan could see that he was thinking about it . He needed to get this resolved if for no other reason than to show his mom and dad that he wasn 't nearly as bad as they 'd always thought . Or worse yet , as bad as they always told him he was . Landon was a good man ; a great one as far as he was concerned . " I didn 't plan on it . In fact , I 'd forgotten all about it . " Sure he had , thought Logan , and I can pull a rabbit out of my ass . " I 'll call them tomorrow . " " You 'll do it now . You might have won one of them clearing house things , and they might give it away should you don 't call and claim it . " They both knew it was his parents , and Logan had a feeling he might know what they were gonna say . He 'd been visiting them too . " Landon , call the man and get it done . " " I don 't want to . " He sounded five , and before Logan could point that out to him , Landon continued . " They want to see me . And then they want to sit me in a chair and point out all the things I 've done since I saw them last . Twenty years is going to be a long list , don 't you think ? I 'm not ready for that . I don 't know that I ever will be . " " You 're a damned grown man . What do you think you would do if they try to sit you in the corner like a child ? You answer me that . " Landon said he had no answer . " Didn 't think so . You don 't like the way they 're treating you , then you can leave . But you 've no way of knowing shit unless you go there and talk to them . For all you know , they could be wanting to welcome you back with open arms . " " You know that 's not ever going to happen . " Logan knew that too . But a man could hope , couldn 't he ? His son and that wife of his had done them both wrong . " And what do I do , Grandda , when they ask me what I 've been doing with my life ? Do I tell them I start each day with you harping on me ? Do I say that I work with a bunch of men just like me that talk to the dead ? I 'm sure that 'll go over just fine . " " I don 't know why not . You 've made a living at it . And from where I 'm sitting you 've done a fine job at that too . Not the living part , but the money part . Why , you never have touched that money they paid you . Building yourself up from nothing , now look at you . " Landon snorted . " You don 't no more live than them ghosts you help . Hell son , when was the last time you were laid ? I 'm thinking it 's been a long while . " " I 'm not talking about my sex life with you . Especially not you . Christ . " He got up and put a load of wash in the washer as he continued . " In the event you didn 't notice , I just purchased this house and it 's taking up a great deal of my time . " It was two more pairs of those ratty jeans he wore and five work shirts . He 'd hang them on the bar when they were washed up and pull them down when he needed them . Work shirts never made it to the upper levels all that often . " Yeah , I can see that . Laundry and dishes . Yesterday you run that vacuum cleaner until I plum thought you were going to wear a hole in the carpets . Then you dusted . If you ever want to change jobs in the future , you can make a right fine domestic . " Landon said nothing , but the shirt in his hand wasn 't going to survive the anger he was holding in much longer . So of course , Logan decided to push him a little harder . " You should get you one of them blow up dolls to screw . That way you can shove it in the closet when you 're satisfied and not have to think about it anymore . Much like you do most of your friends . " The shirt ripped and hung limply in his hands . Logan wanted to get up and hug the boy . Hold him like he was sure no one had done in more years than was right . Logan watched his grandson struggle with his temper and his hurt . " If I go and do this , you 'll go with me ? See what they really are so that I can move on with my life ? " He said that he would . There was no point in telling him that this might not turn out the way he thought , because they both knew better . But Logan was forever hopeful . " All right , but you 'll meet the others too . It 's a fair trade for what you 've been doing to me all these years . " " I can do that . But what about them boys ? You gonna do something about them too ? " Logan wanted to tell him to vanish them , but knew that he 'd not do it . Landon had been tormented by the Bobbsey Twins , as Logan called them , since the fire . " I don 't know . You know that they come and go as they please . " He did at that . Never here more than it took for them to upset Landon . Then they 'd move on to some other trouble . And it mattered little to any of them that Logan knew just what had happened that day , and it had not been the way that Landon thought . And those damned boys knew it too . The phone call from that pansy lawyer had upset Landon . Logan wanted to go through the device and choke the living shit out of the person on the other end . But he just sat there knowing that someday , not only would Landon listen to him about that day , but his son and daughter - in - law would as well . He 'd been there . Logan had seen what had gone on that day and what had happened to cause it all . And it was not Landon . It had never been the boy . He also knew why he wasn 't there for his only grandchild , and he was gonna enjoy seeing their reactions to that coming out too . Landon called to set up the talk . That 's what he knew it was gonna be too , a talk . He hoped that Landon would get in a few words of his own . Maybe a fuck you or a fuck off would be nice as well . Landon sat down when he closed his phone . " I have to go there at one . They have an appointment open for me and I 'm to meet him at the parents ' house . I have an appointment to go to my parents ' house . " Logan stood up to leave with him , not that it mattered . He could pretty much go where he wanted when he wanted to . " You really don 't have to go , Grandda . I was only . . . I was pissed off , and I didn 't mean you 'd have to go . There isn 't any point in both of us having to suffer . " " I want to . I need to . " Landon looked like he was going to say more . But Logan had a feeling he didn 't want to know what it might be . " I can see how well that son of mine aged . I 'm thinking not so well . What do you think ? " " I think I 'd rather you just pull my nails out with a pair of plyers than to go and see them both . And if you want to know the truth , I 'm sort of sick about going there . " Logan knew that as well . " When this is done and you see what you need to see from them , you don 't bring them up to me again . Promise . " " I promise , but on the condition that you have an open mind and don 't be going in there with your head up your ass . " Landon said he wasn 't make any kind of promises . " Then I guess I can 't either . " As they made their way out of the house and to his truck , Logan had a shiver of dread . What if , his mind kept saying , and the list was too long for him to try and work out . What if Landon 's parents were as cruel as they 'd always been ? What if they were only bringing him there to hurt him again ? The closer he got to the house , waiting on Landon , the more dread he felt . This was a mistake , he knew it . He just hoped the letter that he 'd sent out would help his grandson more than he could . Royce The Hunter Series Chapter 11 is ready to read Chapter 11 Daniel put down the phone and leaned back in his chair . Royce was going to be a father . Daniel had not seen that one coming . . . |
The sand compressed beneath Ash 's shoes , one after the other , marring the perfect leather finish . He couldn 't care less about the blasted shoes . He stumbled wildly across the rocky seashore , heart about to explode out of his chest . His father couldn 't be dead . There wouldn 't be anyone left . Ash dropped to his knees , unaware of anything around him . His jaw trembled as he held his father 's pallid face between his hands . " Father , speak to me ! " he demanded . " I said , answer me ! " He shook the small flask frantically , but it took a lifetime for each drop to seep out one by one . Ash snatched a small knife from his pocket and ripped open his father 's shirt . He plunged the sharp tip of the blade into the rounded flask until a slit pierced through the side of the metal . The silvery liquid flowed out as he spilled every last drop over his father 's chest , allowing the Healing Water to absorb directly into his heart . Ash stared at the lifeless body , desperately waiting for movement . Nothing changed . His own lungs hardly moved as he pushed his fingers to his father 's neck in search of a pulse . It was too late . His worst fears were confirmed . Not even the faintest beat moved beneath his father 's skin . He plunged his palms desperately into his father 's chest , compressing up and down in quick movements . He pushed and pushed without control or sanity , but life did not return . His father was gone . Ash 's arms gave beneath him and he collapsed over the lifeless torso , losing all strength from within . He had lost everyone . The unwanted tears came in angry streams . Agony and despair tore through his body as the pain erupted from within . Both his parents were dead - and it was entirely his fault . As he lay frozen in guilt and grief , a small movement pushed up on Ash 's cheekbone . He broke from his self - loathing and sat upright , stunned . Was it possible ? Was his father breathing ? A tinge of hope emerged and Ash 's fingers fumbled back to his father 's neck . It was faint , but there was definitely a heartbeat . Ash didn 't hesitate , filled with new life . He lifted his father in his arms and hurried over the rocks and sand to carry Voss 's healing body back to their house . Ash walked down the bright hallway of his family 's beach home and stopped at the entrance of the master suite . After two weeks , Voss 's body still lay in the same exact place on the massive bed at the center of his parents ' bedroom . The only movement was the slight up and down of his chest as oxygen moved through his lungs . His father had a pulse . . . and he was alive . At least Ash had that much to hang on to . " No one has come looking for us here , " he said , as if his comatose father could somehow hear him . " They think you 're dead . The Council has probably announced their victory over every news station in Banya by now . I can just picture their ridiculous headlines , can 't you ? " He scoffed and spoke in a mocking tone . " Public enemy , Voss Hastings , taken down by everyone 's favorite , perfect little Keeper , Rayne Stevens . A great success for the Ambassador 's surprising rags - to - riches protΓ©gΓ© . " Ash shook his head . " What a joke , right ? I can 't believe I was even friends with that scumbag . " He paused at the side of his father 's bed , his tone changing from bitter to sullen . " That 's not the only thing they 're talking about on the news , Father . They all pity me . I 'm just a misguided , directionless , son - of - a - criminal orphan . Even the Council has placed me on hiatus for an indefinite period of time . Who knows when I 'll be approved to resume work and go back into the field ? Everyone 's just waiting to see if I 've completely lost it for good this time . " Ash collapsed on the stiff armchair at the side of the bed , shaking his head in frustration . What an idiot he was . His father couldn 't hear him . Voss was about as conscious as a clump of dirt . Anger stirred inside him . " Maybe they 're all right about me , " he said aloud . " They 've even gone so far as to re - air the old footage from my rebellious rampage after we lost Mom ; after my own stupidity killed her . " It was his first assignment after graduation , without the direct supervision of a mentor . It was supposed to be his opportunity to prove to everyone - his father , Rayne , the Council - prove to them what he was capable of achieving on his own . He had to show them he wasn 't the misfit everyone made him out to be . He was angry with his mother that day . Why did she have to come ? Why couldn 't she just stay home and cook and clean like she had done since the day he was born ? Why did she have to insist on going back to the Academy to be recertified for field duty , just in time to tag along and humiliate him on his first mission ? " I don 't need a babysitter , " he had complained to her in a whisper , as they held their positions in the dark . " The guys at the Academy used to call me Smoky , did you know that ? And I used to hate that nickname . I thought it was so stupid . But I 'd do anything to go back to that . Do you know what they 've started calling me now ? Cupcake β¦ Because it 's just so very sweet that my mother wants to ride along with me on my missions . " " I 'm not here to babysit you , " Syreen insisted . She moved nimbly and without sound across the field to hide behind the next tree . Ash followed after her , his gun ready in hand . His mother angled her head back at him . " I 'm tired of being stuck at home . It was great being able to be there to raise you , but now that you 're out of the house , I 'm bored out of my mind . I need some excitement in my life again . " Ash spotted a guard and quickly raised his palm to quiet his mother . He signaled for her to hold her position then took a few silent steps toward his target . One of Ash 's greatest strengths in the field was his aim . He was a great shot and everybody knew it . Without hesitation , he raised his gun and fired , taking out the guard in one easy shot through the heart . Ash took out three more guards as they crossed the field covered with junk and debris . " Can 't you just take up skydiving or something ? " Ash complained as they paced their way down a pitch black flight of stairs . " Or at least request reassignment to another team ? " There was a catch in Syreen 's throat as she spoke . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't realize that working with me was going to be such a punishment for you . " The device blinked and the metal door slid open . Syreen moved toward the entrance . " You can 't change the plan right in the middle of an operation , " she said sternly . " I 'm retrieving the weapon . You stay here and watch my back . Those were our orders . " It was one thing to be bossed around by your mother when she wanted you to make your bed or pick up your dirty socks , but to be treated like a child , on a mission in the middle of Nigeria , was more than Ash could take . His tone was cold . " What are you going to do , Mother ? Ground me ? Send me to my room ? Maybe you don 't think I can handle it , but I know I 'm ready to do this . I 'm going in . " But just as Ash grabbed Syreen 's arm to force her back to the hallway , a shot fired from nowhere and grazed Ash 's ear . They both ducked behind the door inside the storage room as more shots fired from across the hall . Ash popped out from the opening to send back a wave of bullets in retaliation . Two guards fell to the ground , but one of them managed one last gunshot before he hit the concrete . The bullet missed Ash by several inches , but it blew straight through the keypad that controlled the large metal door . Sparks flew from the malfunctioning panel , triggering a blaring alarm . Everything happened in fast forward . The metal door closed in on them . Liquid sprayed from the ceiling . Ash felt the impact of his mother 's force on his back as she flew forward and shoved his body outside the door . He turned , but it was too late . The door was closed behind him and Syreen was trapped inside . He stared at his mother 's glowing violet eyes through the window , her beauty marred by gagging and coughing . A pungent odor permeated the air and Ash recognized the smell right away β¦ gasoline . His mother was swimming in it from all angles . She gasped and choked from the fumes . He kicked the window with all his force , but the material was too strong . He scoured the room and found a brick and with everything he had , rammed it across the surface again and again . This was obviously no ordinary window . Ash raised the barrel of his gun and shot four rounds straight at the center . The bullets barely left a scratch . His mother yelled at him , signaling through the window to leave her , to save himself before the building exploded . Ash couldn 't do it . He couldn 't just leave her there to die . He ran to the keypad which had gone dark and fumbled frantically with the wires . He had to save her . He wiped at his burning eyes , trying to see straight through the fumes and tears . But it was no use . The keypad was completely dead . He looked back at the window . His mother 's face was somber , almost beaten . She shook her head in defeat . She coughed once and managed a small smile back at him , mouthing the words , I love you . Then her eyes rolled back and her body fell to the concrete . " No ! " Ash cried . There were no rational thoughts . His eyes burned red as he called out for his mom . He banged his fist against the window , ran his shoulder into the door . No , he couldn 't lose her . This couldn 't be the end . Ash clenched his radio , calling for help , when the first boom shook the building . The whole place was going to blow . He had only one split - second choice left to make - live or die . He tore from the bunker in a blur , flames chasing his back . The force of the explosion threw him across the muddy field , knocking him out cold when he hit the ground . But was he lucky to make it out ? Was he ? Ash sprang from the armchair beside his father 's bed . The rage from his memory pulsed through every limb in his body until it centered on the lamp next to him . At Ash 's command , the lamp flew across the bedroom and shattered down the wall . It should have been him who died that day , not her . It was his fault . If only he had been standing watch rather than arguing with his mother . He would have killed those guards before they could get a single shot off . Why did she have to be there that day ? Why ? His father may as well have been dead now , too . He was basically just a living corpse . And Ash was the one who led Rayne to their house in the first place . He led Rayne right to them . He gave Rayne everything he needed to set the girl free . And how did Rayne repay him ? By sending his father over a cliff and turning him into a sack of mush . He could never forgive Rayne for that . Never . And he could never forgive himself for it either . Ash hovered over his father 's blank face , his lower jaw shaking . He reached down and placed his hands around the sides of Voss 's head . " Father , " he said through strained lips . " I don 't know if you can hear me , but I need you to listen . You can 't leave me here alone in my shame . You need to wake up . They ruined our lives , all of them β¦ Rayne β¦ Hamlin β¦ the Council . Someone needs to make them pay for what they 've done to us . Do you hear me ? I need you to make them pay . " Ash grabbed his father 's collar and ripped open his shirt . " I called in a few favors , " Ash said , reaching into his jacket pocket . He pulled out a silver flask , four times larger than the typical vial of Healing Water , and unscrewed the lid . " It wasn 't easy to get this , so you better not waste my effort . This is your last chance . " Ash tipped the flask over Voss 's bare chest and let the iridescent liquid seep across the skin . It swirled slowly , almost like a cloud rather than fluid , until it melded with his father 's body and disappeared into the surface . Ash took a step back and held his breath , waiting . Only seconds passed before a wretched grin emerged on Ash 's face . The wild glare in his eye was no longer alone . It was matched by a pair of devilish , veiny eyes staring wide open back at him from the bed . Voss was awake . The only reason I was taking the dumb class was to please both Heather and my mom . Heather was taking the class to keep her schedule heavy enough to appeal to UCLA 's admissions department , and , of course , was convinced that I needed to do the same . Somehow she had already decided for the both of us that we were going to go to college there together . My mom tried to be more subtle about it , but she certainly wasn 't complaining about Heather 's plans . Especially since the school had an amazing nursing program she secretly was hoping I would apply to . I let the book fall with a thump on the table . " Please tell me you 're an expert in kinetic energy . I 'm completely lost . " My smile returned , and I lifted my head in his direction . " Well , I guess we should - " The words caught in my throat . I turned so quickly I didn 't realize how close he was . His face was only inches away . " We . . . uh , " I said , stumbling as his stare locked on mine . I knew I should move , but I couldn 't look away . Heat spread through my body . This wasn 't the first time I 'd caught myself staring into his amazing green eyes and wishing I could indulge myself with the touch of his lips . Even after five months of learning to suppress the bonding effect from the Healing Water , it still didn 't feel any easier . It was hard to believe that after so many close calls , neither of us had given in to the desire . I saw it in his eyes . He wanted to kiss me . He was just as tempted to act on the urges as I was . But every time I caught myself staring into his eyes , longing for his touch , his lips β¦ I just remembered one important thing - none of it was real . He smirked . " I told you we 'd figure it out . " He glanced at his watch which concealed the small green mark on his wrist , just as it did every day . " Hey , it 's already after six . You should get going if you 're going to make it to the hospital on time . " I glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner of the room . " Oh yikes , I had no idea it was getting so late . I better go . " I held up my palm in Rayne 's direction . Without needing to ask , he took the tiny silver flask from his pocket and let a drop of Healing Water fall into my hand . It had become a daily ritual . I needed the Healing Water to stay alive , and Rayne was the person sent to make sure I got it . Rayne watched as I gathered my things . " Are you sure you don 't want me to come ? " he asked . " I could wait in the lobby while you and your mother eat . " " No , don 't worry about it . I can make it a few miles down the road on my own , you know . You don 't need to babysit me every minute of the day . " He looked down , a strange look on his face . " No , I know . I just thought β¦ " His voice trailed away as he stared at the floor , off in his own little world . It seemed like he 'd been doing that a lot lately . He looked up . " Oh β¦ uh β¦ no . It 's nothing . I 'm fine . " He put on a wide smile . " Just go have fun with your mom and I 'll talk to you later . " His laugh seemed almost nervous . " What ? Yes , of course . You know me . I 'm just overprotective . And I β¦ get bored sometimes . That 's all I was thinking . " He shrugged and pulled on my shoulders , directing me towards the door . " Really . It 's not a big deal . " " Seriously . It 's not a big deal , " he repeated . " Go and have a nice dinner with your mom . You don 't need me hanging over your shoulder all night . " I stopped at the mailbox in front of my house and pulled out a pile of envelopes and junk mail before getting in the Honda . Just as I tossed the pile on the passenger seat , I noticed the slight , icy blue glow from my eyes in the rearview mirror . Usually that was a good sign . Even though Rayne gave me Healing Water every single day , my body 's reaction to it was never consistent . Some days , like today , it would take effect immediately . Other days it would barely change the color of the Watermark on my wrist . But it didn 't seem to matter either way . I hadn 't experienced a single emotional outburst or fainting episode since the day of the Sadie Hawkins dance several months ago . " No problem , " I said . " I 'm just as happy to spend our alone time here as I would be anywhere else . And it was about time that you guys finally invited me to come with you for once . " My mom and Dr . Jensen had been dating for months now , and they were pretty much inseparable these days . " Oh that reminds me , " Mom said . " Mark arranged to take the entire day off , so we were thinking about moving the time a little earlier on Wednesday . Would six thirty still work okay ? " She rolled her eyes and laughed at my enthusiasm . " Yes , honey . Mark is going to drive . " Only people who have driven a car as old as mine would understand why this was so exciting to me . After Mom went back to work , I walked over to the door which led to the stairwell . I took the stairs every time I came to the hospital now , pretty much ever since the night Rayne brought me up to the hospital roof after my car accident . It felt like such a long time ago , but the stairs still sort of felt like part of our secret little place . Even though Rayne was only pretending to be my boyfriend and our relationship was basically just a front , I liked remembering the mysterious , giddy feeling I had the night he took me alone with him to the roof . With romanticized memories still floating through my head , my sandals pattered lightly down a flight of concrete stairs until just before I reached the landing between floors . I held onto the railing , ready to swing myself cheerfully around the corner , when I heard male voices coming from below . That seemed odd . I 'd never come across a single person in the stairwell before . I stopped with curiosity . I couldn 't make out what they were saying . The voices sounded like hushed echoes . Moving forward slowly , I placed my feet down a few steps and lowered my body onto one of the stairs to see if I could get a better look . I wasn 't sure why I felt the need to spy , but something about the situation seemed out of place . One of the men spoke again . It was still a little muffled , but this time I could understand his words . " What did you think of the results from your free trial ? " he asked . The other man shifted , swaying into view for a brief moment . I squinted and repositioned myself . It almost looked like Dr . Jensen . Why would he be having a meeting in the stairwell ? He had an office with a window and a great view . Maybe it wasn 't him . He moved too quickly for me to be sure . " The results were exceptional , " the man answered . " I 've never worked with anything like it . " He placed his hand on the railing , moving back into sight . Yes . It was Dr . Jensen . I was sure of it . It sounded like he was sampling some kind of medication . But , a meeting in the stairwell ? That didn 't make sense . " So , are you ready to work with us ? " the man with his back to me asked . " Or do you need a little more convincing ? " There was something about his voice that sent an eerie chill up my back . The whole thing didn 't feel right , like an illegal drug deal or something . " No , I 'm ready , " said Dr . Jensen . " I just need a refill on my supply . How soon can you deliver more product ? " The turkey sandwich began to toss around in my stomach . The whole situation felt like trouble . I wanted to get out of there , but I definitely didn 't want them to hear me go . I inched my hand up to the rail as carefully as possible , and just as I was about to pull my body up from the floor , a loud chime rang through the air . In an instant , the phone in my pocket gave away my position . I froze for a split second in fear , glancing at the men just long enough to see two glaring , vivid blue eyes turn and stare back at me . I gasped and jumped to my feet , scrambling up the steps and rushing out the first door I could find . I glanced back at the door , half running , half speed walking down the hospital corridor , not sure what I had just witnessed . The flash of those glaring blue eyes haunted my thoughts as I banged my fingers repeatedly over the elevator button . The door opened and I rushed forward , holding my breath until it closed safely behind me . I shot my hand to the metal wall , bracing myself as I tried to breathe . All I could think about was the blue - eyed boy I 'd once talked to while being held prisoner last November . Ash , the person who had helped kidnap me . Ash , the son of a terrible criminal . Ash , the guy who was supposed to be Rayne 's best friend , but who had disappeared and wouldn 't return any of Rayne 's calls . Could it really be him that was talking to my mother 's boyfriend in the stairwell ? Why would someone like that be pushing questionable meds in a dark corner of a hospital ? Rayne said that the guy was wealthy beyond belief . Why would he care about making a quick buck ? It really wouldn 't make sense that it was him . The elevator dinged , and I stepped forward with caution . I looked up and down the halls , but there wasn 't anyone shady in sight . Once I caught my breath , and walked all the way out to my car without any obstacles , I started to wonder if I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion . Everything happened so fast . How could I be sure ? What did I know about hospital policies on doctors ordering experimental drugs ? I started the car engine and closed my eyes for a moment , letting the music from the radio calm my nerves . The more I thought about it , the more I realized I was just being silly and paranoid . So , I spent the entire drive home convincing myself that I 'd blown the entire situation out of proportion and decided to forget the whole thing ever happened . When I pulled into my driveway , I finally remembered that someone had tried to call me earlier . I removed my phone from my pocket and read the screen . There was a missed call from Heather , as well as a text from her that said , 911 . In Heather 's mind , pretty much everything was some kind of an emergency , so I wasn 't too worried , but she didn 't use the code 911 all that often , so I thought I 'd better call her back just in case . I found the large envelope at the bottom of the pile and pulled it to the top of the stack . Then I stopped . It all made sense now . I stared at the words UCLA Undergraduate Admissions in the top corner of the envelope . " Yes β¦ " Heather said , her tone so excited it practically answered my question all on its own . She definitely had been accepted to the school . " Open it ! " she urged . " Oh my gosh , I 'm like , so nervous for you . " " I knew it ! " Heather said , cutting me off . " We both got in . I knew we would . This is so perfect . Aren 't you excited ? We 're going to be roommates , and live in L . A . and meet tons of hot guys β¦ It 's going to be the most fun we 've ever had in our entire lives . " I didn 't answer right away . In my mind , the whole college , future , decision - making stuff was still supposed to be way in the future . I wasn 't sure I was ready for it . Heather 's tone weakened . " But , you told me that your mom said she was going to help you pay for the rest . Did she change her mind or something ? " For some reason , I wanted to say yes , my mom did change her mind . I wasn 't sure why . It wasn 't true . My mom was practically begging me to let her pay for everything . I was just avoiding making the commitment to go . " Sadie , come on , " Heather said , sounding both annoyed and heartbroken . " I know you feel worried about having your mom spend her savings on you , but she totally wants to . She told me herself . And this is like , a once - in - a - lifetime opportunity . If you pass it up now , you 'll just be setting yourself up for regret . What else would you do anyway ? Work in a frozen yogurt shop the rest of your life ? " Heather went quiet , voice serious . " Wait a minute . I know what this is . This is about Rayne , isn 't it ? You don 't want to go to L . A . because he can 't come with you . " " What ? " I said , caught by surprise . " No , of course not . That has nothing to do with it . " But did it have anything to do with it ? It wasn 't supposed to . Even if I did go to UCLA , Rayne would just follow me there and watch after me like he always did . Wouldn 't he ? Suddenly , I realized what my problem was . I didn 't want to commit to UCLA because I was afraid of the future . And the reason I was afraid of the future was because I didn 't want my relationship with Rayne to end . I wanted to stay in my pretend , secure little world that wasn 't reality . But deep down I knew I couldn 't stay there forever . Not only was it becoming torture just to hold back the feelings that were all a fake , Rayne could be reassigned at a moment 's notice . He might suddenly disappear one day . Just like my father . Then where would I be ? Heartbroken and alone , just like my mom had been for the first seventeen years of my life . " You know , " I said . " I didn 't say I was for sure not coming . I 'm still thinking about it . And to be honest , I don 't even know if I would want Rayne to come with me anyway . " I didn 't know what to say . I was pretty sure the reason Rayne gave me the Water Briolette was to help keep me strong physically , because I needed all the Healing Water I could get . But obviously I couldn 't explain that to Heather . " Okay , okay . I get it , " I said . " Rayne 's like the picture - perfect definition of the ideal boyfriend . I know . But you 're just going to have to trust me on this one , Heather . There 's no future for us . " The more the hours passed by , the more my stomach folded over itself with anxiety . Just thinking about what I knew I had to do , physically hurt all over . By ten o ' clock I couldn 't take it anymore . I had to get it over with . I clutched the purple diary sitting in my lap , hesitating , knowing that if I went through with this , it would change everything . But I couldn 't see any other way for things to work out . I pressed my pen to the page of my diary with unsure fingers and wrote : Even though Rayne had loosened his strict , no - phone - call policy , we still used the diary to talk to each other on a regular basis . I sat and stared at the purple light at the center of the butterfly on the cover , waiting for his reply with dread . It didn 't take long for his answer to appear : YEP , I ' M HERE . ARE YOU OKAY ? WHAT ' S ON YOUR MIND ? I paused . If I wanted to change my mind , this was my last chance . I glanced up for a moment , staring out across my bedroom , wondering if I could really go through with this , when something on top of the dresser caught my eye . It was the orange daisy Rayne had given me at the hospital after my car accident . It had only been a week or two since I last stopped to smell its magical petals . The flower had lived for months off just a single drop of Healing Water . But something about the flower suddenly caught my attention . It looked different . I jumped from the bed and ran over to the dresser . My feet stopped as I pressed my lips together , holding back a sudden surge of emotion . The flower was dead . The petals were withered and falling off , the stem a sickly hue of greenish - brown . It felt like a sign . My eyes glistened with moisture as it became more and more clear . Even with the aid of the Healing Water , nothing could last forever . I nodded my head knowingly and moved back to my place on the bed . As much as it would hurt , I knew it had to be done . I opened the diary , took a deep breath , and wrote : My feet dragged across the pavement as I made the long , awful journey to Rayne 's house . At least , that was how it felt tonight . I 'd had talks like this with other boys before , and even though our relationship and the feelings with Rayne weren 't real , this felt harder to face than any other break - up type conversation I 'd ever had the unfortunate need to initiate . This isn 't even a real break - up , I tried to tell myself . You 'll still see him all the time and he 'll still be assigned to you for who knows how long . Then when he does have to leave , you 'll have a life outside of him to fall back on . The more I thought about it , the easier it seemed . For all I knew , he would even agree with me that it was the best way . He was mostly just humoring me all this time anyway . He had stayed involved in my life against his better judgment in order to appease my own insecurities . The black metal gate swung open as I approached , and Rayne appeared in the doorway . When I saw him , a smile broke through the pain etched on my face . He looked so happy to see me . He held out his arms to give me a hug . Maybe I should have talked to him through the diary after all . Feeling his warm chest against my face , I wasn 't sure I could make myself go through with it . " I 'm glad you 're here , " he said softly in my ear . Right then , I knew I would miss his hugs more than anything else . I let his arms hold me a little longer than usual , not knowing how soon I would have the chance to feel them again . He took my hand and led me into the living room . Why ? Why did he have to be so wonderful all the time ? This was already going to be hard enough without him reminding me just how much I loved to be around him . He stopped in front of the couch . " I was kind of worried about you tonight . I was probably just making things up in my head . I mean , I knew you got home safe from the hospital and all , but β¦ all night I had this feeling like something was wrong . " It was amazing the way he always seemed to sense what I was feeling . As much as I wanted to , I couldn 't deny the bond between us created by the Healing Water . But his words reminded me of why I was there in the first place , and my muscles tensed . " Um , yeah , I 'm fine , " I said . " Sorry to make you worry . " I sat down abruptly and tried to look away . Staring at his wonderful face made everything harder . " I guess I was just being paranoid , " he said . He grinned and placed his hand over mine . " So , what did you want to talk to me about ? " I finally had to turn and face him . I opened my lips to speak , but as soon as my gaze met his crystal eyes , my expression wrinkled . " Um , " I said . I looked away again , trying to control the urge to cry . " I just was thinking β¦ we should β¦ " I couldn 't mask my emotions well enough . Rayne placed his hand on my cheek and turned it towards him . " Okay , now you 're starting to worry me , " he said . " Did something happen to you tonight ? What 's going on ? " I forced a smile . " No , really . I promise I 'm okay . I 'm not sure why I 'm acting like such a baby about this . It shouldn 't be that big a deal . " I took a moment to regroup , then tried again . " These last few months have been really amazing . I mean β¦ really , really amazing . You know what I mean ? " I was so nervous , I barely let him finish . " Seeing you every day has been β¦ the best , " I continued . " Seriously . But β¦ as much as I want to , I haven 't forgotten what our real situation is here . I mean , I know you just agreed to spend time with me to help me handle my feelings created by the Healing Water and the bonding effect . And I think it 's incredibly sweet that you would do that for me . " Rayne cut in . " Sadie , I like spending time with you . You make it sound like some horrible burden for me to be around you . It 's not like that . " " No , I know , " I agreed . " But I also know that I 've been making you break a bunch of rules you 're supposed to be following as a Water Keeper , and I know how much you hate doing that . I feel bad knowing I 'm the reason you feel you have to do it in the first place . " He laughed once under his breath . " I 'm β¦ okay with it , if you are . Yes , I 've experienced some guilt over the issue , but I 'm more concerned about your happiness than a few rules . " " Thanks , " I said . " That means a lot , especially coming from you . But it 's not just that . I think β¦ that I should try not to be so attached to you all the time . I don 't know . I feel like I need to make sure I 'm still making time for other people . Once I go to college , I won 't see my mom much anymore , and you 're only a high school senior once in your life . I just don 't want to miss out on anything before it 's all over . " I could feel myself babbling , avoiding the real issue . Heat filled my cheeks when I felt the words come out of my mouth . " I guess , what I 'm trying to say is , maybe we shouldn 't spend so much time together right now β¦ " He looked from my eyes down to the floor . " Oh . Well , I can 't argue with that . " The words came out nice enough , but something about his posture seemed upset . His strange tone caught me off guard . " Uh , I just thought β¦ I don 't know , you would have to go back to hiding in the shadows and following me around and stuff . I don 't want to make your job any harder than it already is . " " Of course . Right . " His worried expression turned to a confident smile . " You don 't have to worry about me . I 'm trained for this , remember ? " " Yeah , that 's true , " I said , attempting to mimic his confidence . " Plus , we 'll still see each other all the time . I still have to come over for my daily dose of Healing Water , right ? " " And you can still come to all the parties and stuff with my friends , if you want to . If that will make it easier for you . They all love you just as much as I . . . " My voice trailed off nervously . I froze for a moment , Rayne 's gaze intent on mine . I wanted to say the words . I was supposed to be there to sever ties , and yet all I wanted to do was say , I love you , right then and there . The words burned at the back of my throat , just waiting to be released . I pushed the impulse deep inside . This was exactly why I had to stop this whole thing while I had the chance , before it was too late . My breaths quickened . I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead on my fingertips . " Um , actually , " I said , beginning to babble . " Maybe it would make things easier if you kept your distance for a while , just until I 've had a chance to readjust to things . Holding back all these feelings is going to be hard . And knowing that they 're not real , that I can 't act on them ; it 's like torture every day . You know what I mean ? " My hands were turning clammy . I couldn 't stop thinking about what I 'd almost said to him . What I still wanted to say to him . I barely heard his words . I 'd become so shaken with nerves that I just kept talking . " I mean , who knows how long you 'll be assigned to me , right ? I just want to make sure that I 'll be okay when they move you on to something new , when they change your assignment . Wait , you were just saying something , weren 't you ? Oh my gosh , I 'm so sorry . I 'm just babbling now . What were you saying ? " He paused , examining my face . His lips pressed together , turned up , but not quite a smile . " I was just going to say that β¦ I agree with you . " " I am ? " I asked , feeling strangely sad . I almost wished he would tell me the whole idea was stupid and we should forget I ever said anything . " Well , you said it yourself . I can 't promise I won 't be reassigned someday . " He looked at the wall for a minute then turned back to me thoughtfully . " As long as it 's in my control , I will always be here for you , no matter what . But I understand that you have to do what 's right for you . If you 're feeling strong enough to go out on your own , if you have the bonding effect under control and you feel ready , then I think you should do it . " He smiled softly . " Of course . My duty is to protect you , not to take over your life and parade around like your fake boyfriend , just to make my job easier . " Rayne walked me across the street to my front door , holding my hand the entire way . I would really miss his hand . Without letting go , he turned toward me and said , " Remember , I 'm still right across the street if you ever need me . And I just want you to promise me one thing β¦ " Rayne shut Sadie 's door gently as he watched her disappear through the entryway . Then , with discipline , he turned back across the street , closing his eyes as he drew in a long breath . He had to act like everything was fine . She could be watching . He managed to walk calmly all the way to his front door , where he carefully turned the knob and let the door swing closed behind him . His feet stopped just as he made it inside . Rayne didn 't sink dolefully to the floor as he had all too often these days , whenever his feelings for Sadie overwhelmed him with sorrow , knowing he couldn 't act upon them . Something worse than sorrow stirred inside him now . This time , he felt more than sad or frustrated ; he felt powerless . Sadie wanted to leave him , to push him away . Rayne clenched his hands into fists , angry at himself more than anything else . Her decision should not affect him . She was right . This was better for her . She needed to be able to move forward with her life the way it was always meant to be . It was what he wanted for her all along . A half - empty glass stood on the shelf beside him in the doorway where he 'd left it when Sadie first arrived . Rayne picked it up , taking a careful gulp of water , hand shaking . Then , as if it were a programmed reaction , his body froze in place , trying to hold everything in . He knew that if he moved , every thought and frustration building up inside him over the last several months would explode from him in every direction . If his training at the Academy taught him anything , it was control ; control of his actions , his decisions , and most importantly β¦ his emotions . Rayne lifted the glass of water in his hand and stared at the liquid through the crystal pattern in the glass . Everything about it reminded him of the Healing Water . The Healing Water was supposed to be a blessing , not a curse . His lip quivered as the scowl deepened through the lines of his face , pure rage surging through him . The sound of frustration bellowed from his throat as his arm shot forward , chucking the glass across the room . Shards of glass burst from the far wall , releasing a spray of water through the air . With quick breaths , he stared at the sharp mess as it shattered to the floor . It was just like the mess of his own life he 'd created . Finally , he stepped forward , another low growl slipping from his mouth as he hit the wall with his palm . This wasn 't him . He had to collect himself . He let his weight fall back against the doorjamb of the nearest room and folded his arms to his chest . It was just a momentary lapse of restraint . If he was even considering the idea that he could be an important , every day part of Sadie 's life , he was completely delusional . When he took this assignment , he knew there would be challenges beyond that of a typical Keeper . He knew it from the very beginning . This was the life he had chosen for himself , and now he had to accept it . He walked over to the board and lifted it up to position it on the rack along the wall , pausing to picture the ocean break rolling under his feet . Right now , that was where he wanted to be . But he wasn 't in the mood for a relaxing stroll over the waves today . He wanted to use every ounce of energy he had left inside him until he was too exhausted to think . He didn 't care that it was almost midnight ; he pulled up the surf report on his computer , praying the waves would be big . A crazed smile crossed his face . Not only were the conditions close to perfect , the waves were larger than he 'd seen in months . With furious anticipation , he grabbed a shortboard from the corner of the room , and then he tore out to his car . His Range Rover moved swiftly and aggressively through the late night traffic until he reached Fifty - Fourth Street , where he parked in the first spot he could see . He grabbed his board and ran through the heavy sand , without pause , to the edge of the shore . The moon was full and bright over the swirl of crashing waves , perfect for night surfing , and perfect for letting his mind slip into a state of welcomed oblivion . Again and again , he hurled his body over the crests of roaring waves , pouncing to his feet and carving back and forth through tunnels of rushing water . He moved without thinking , not stopping for caution or careful maneuvers . He bled out every ounce of force from within himself , twisting into three - sixties , launching his board into the air at every chance he could get . Normally , he would land over the peaks of the waves without problem , but tonight , amid the thunderous surf , his eyes were wild with energy . He flung himself around through dark , not caring if the ocean water crashed over him , not caring if he lived or died . He almost welcomed it , like the punishment he knew he deserved . If anything , he needed a good thrashing , something to wake up his senses and remind him to get his priorities straight . There was no thought for his own safety when his legs rushed forward over the biggest wave he 'd seen all night . He catapulted the board up in the air , suspending it over the water long enough to feel the spray on his face . Then , out of nowhere , he flipped his feet over his head , a move he 'd never attempted before . He was about to land the trick of a lifetime , until his board flew out from under his feet . The board soared high through the sky , then quickly dove back down , plummeting toward the sea . As if falling in slow motion , Rayne saw the ocean move closer and closer to his face , his feet floating in a free - fall over his head until his body smacked against the water . Black wetness swallowed him up , shoving and pulling him in opposite directions . But he didn 't fight it . Why should he bother ? He could let the ocean take him right then and there . He could give up . Maybe this world , and even his own , would be better off without him . Sadie β¦ would be happier without him . Just as the hurt compressed around his lungs , Rayne felt the roll of the break carry him to shallow water without his consent . He coughed as oxygen forced its way into his chest . As much as he would have welcomed it , he did not lose himself forever amid the black ocean waves . There was no escape . He would have to go on . He dragged his exhausted limbs along the shore , dragging half a surfboard behind him from his ankle across the sand . When he removed the leash from his leg , he tossed it to the ground , not bothering to reclaim what was left of his surfboard now broken into pieces . There was no question in his mind β¦ his board wasn 't the only thing that was broken . He fell to the sand and rolled onto his back , lying there without motivation to stand , all confidence abandoned in the ocean behind him . AnonymousJuly 24 , 2013 at 8 : 55 PMI just finished The Deep blue secret and ordered Rogue Wave . Sooooo good ! They should be made into a movie ! ReplyDeleteRepliesChristie D AndersonAugust 5 , 2013 at 9 : 19 AMWow , thanks ! I hope you enjoy Rogue Wave . Wouldn 't a movie be amazing ! ! ! DeleteReplyAnonymousJuly 10 , 2014 at 9 : 01 AMI LOVE these books ! What a wonderful story they tell . When will book 4 be coming out ? I can 't wait ! ReplyDeleteAnonymousJuly 10 , 2014 at 11 : 08 PMLove these books they are the best books I ever read and I have to say I read a lot of books and these books can 't compare to any other books : 3 When is the book # 4 coming out I really want to read it . . . . Omg can 't wait for it ReplyDeleteAnonymousNovember 16 , 2014 at 2 : 07 PMI love all your books I have been addicted to all of your they are amazing ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ReplyDeleteAnonymousFebruary 9 , 2015 at 9 : 57 AMI can 't WAIT for book 4 ! When I finished books 2 & 3 I couldn 't stop thinking about them ! ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Happy Holidays , everyone ! With Christmas coming up around the corner , I thought I 'd give you all my third short story . It 's set during the holiday season and as my friend called it , " a coca - cola commercial . " So while I finish my finals and continue to write my books , here is the next short story . Enjoy ! This week has been a complete bore . On Monday , the sun was particularly ambitious ; shining into the blue sky and heating up the inside of my car . Tuesday came grey skies and Wednesday too . Thursday was just a bit better . But Friday seemed to be different . My friends Rocky and Isabelle thought it 'd be great to go walking around the local outdoor shopping center , just to see the holiday decorations . December was always beautiful this time of year . There was something special about a suburban community in California during the Christmas season . It all started on a cool Friday afternoon , the three of us sat in our last class of the day . Rocky put his hat over his face and took a nap as the class began . I was behind him , and Isabelle behind me . She would always put her drinks in the hood of my jacket . I leaned back on my chair and paid enough attention to the teacher in case she asked a question β¦ not that I answered them , but hell I paid for the class so I 'm gonna get my money 's worth . Rocky took the class because he needed a ride home from me . Isabelle took it because well β¦ she needed a ride too , but also she needed extra units and this class was the only one available . I don 't know what it was about this particular class session , but I felt completely brain dead . I tried to stay awake and not end up like Rocky . He slouched deep into his chair forming a makeshift bed . I could hear his quiet but noticeable snoring . It sounded like the noise of a car starting . Isabelle sat politely in her chair , occasionally leaning forward to take a sip from her drink that stuck out of my hood . After a grueling hour and a half class time , we made it to the end . I stood up and stretched my neck . Isabelle took her drink from my hood and tossed it in the trash . We walked over to Rocky who still sound asleep . Rocky 's ringtone was , no shocker , the theme song to Rocky . I figured he needed some inspiration to get out of the chair . I called his phone and waited . After a few seconds the loud ringtone burst from his phone and startled him . She chuckled and threw her bag at him . He finally stood up and we left the class . The campus looked empty ; then again not a lot of people went to class on a Friday . The wind blew gently through the trees as we crossed the parking lot . I unlocked the doors of my car . Thankfully the winter weather started rolling in about Thursday night so the inside of my car was cool . I jumped in and lowered the windows and sunroof . Izzy climbed into the passenger seat and Rocky got in the back . With the key in the engine , the car started up and I turned to Izzy and said , " Sound like someone we know ? " I plugged in my phone pressed shuffle on my playlist . The first song to come on was " Friday I 'm in Love " by The Cure . I drove us out of the parking lot and back to our neighborhood . All three of us lived on the same street . Rocky lived to my left and Izzy to my right . It was easy getting to either of them . I 'd just open my window and shout at their window . And they 'd maybe shout back . I parked in front of my house . Izzy and Rocky got out and walked to their respective houses . " Hey Robert , " she said . " Have a good day at school ? " She was decorating the gingerbread house that stood in the center of the kitchen counter . I snagged a gingerbread man and walked upstairs to my room . Usually I 'd leave my door closed , but the smell was so intoxicating I left it open . I lay on my bed , and turned on the TV . The first thing to come on was a news broadcast about the upcoming holiday opening down by the shopping center . It was looking to be quite the occasion . I could see why Rocky wants to take a look . For some reason I don 't want to go . I didn 't have to buy anything so why should I ? Even though the sun was still high in the sky , I felt a bit tired and took a nap . I awoke to the sound of rocks being thrown at my window accompanied by loud music outside . I got out of bed and check outside . Rocky and Isabelle were outside in Rocky 's car . The two of them got out and walked closer to the window . " Hey Rob ! Come on out . We 're going to see the tree lighting ceremony down at the mall . My mom let me take the car out , " Rocky said . I grabbed my jacket and went downstairs . The lingering smell of cinnamon stayed with me up until the front door . I gripped the doorknob and turned it . But something strange happened . The door wouldn 't budge . I asked my mom what happened to the door , but I didn 't get an answer . I assumed that the door had broken . But I remember that the door was fine a few hours ago . I quickly ran upstairs and back to my room . Rocky and Isabelle still hung around near his car . " Oh yeah β¦ your mom said something about the door being like broken or something . I guess the lock on it won 't unlock and it 's stuck like that . Why don 't you go around the back ? " Isabelle asked . The tree lighting ceremony better be worth this hassle . The clock read around ten after six , I had to move fast . I rushed downstairs and to the back door of my house . Luckily the lock was fine and I managed to get out into the cold air . The sun had just set and the street lights began to turn on . I made it to the gate and got out of the backyard . Rocky and Isabelle looked at me and got into his car . " I 'm sure it 's only if you go on the freeway , " I said , buckling my seatbelt . " Take the local route . We should get there in time . " We drove out of my driveway and towards the mall . The trip took about ten minutes to get there . And with a few cars in our way , it was a smooth trip . We made it to the outdoor mall just as people gathered around the tree . It was a big turnout actually , I didn 't expect this many people to be around . Rocky led Izzy and I to the tree ; it was currently lightless as we walked among the crowds . Everyone seemed excited to see the tree almost as if they 've never seen a lit Christmas tree before . We waited about another five minutes or so until someone from the mall stood up on the stage . He began to talk about being together as a community before Rocky poked my back , instructing me to follow him and Isabelle . He led us to the back of the crowd . " Now that you mention it Robby , I figured that we go up to the roof and take a better look at the tree . It 'll only be a few minutes before they light it . And my friend said it 's the best view . " " Not if we get there fast enough . Come on , guys it 's gonna be great . Don 't you want to see something like this with a great view ? If you only see it once a year , wouldn 't you want the best seat in the house ? " Rocky asked , jumping around . Isabelle looked at me with both eyebrows raised and let out a sigh . She knew that she couldn 't let Rocky do stupid things alone . She zipped up her jacket and agreed to go . Rocky then looked at me . Of course I was worried that we would get into bigger trouble than he thinks . But I do want to see if this view was as great as he said it was . Then again he 's been with me whenever I did something stupid , which is rarely . I bet if this was my idea , he 'd go with it . Isabelle and I followed him through the crowd and into the local video game shop . Rocky said that his friend wedged the back room of the store so we can get through the confusing halls and to the ladder to the roof . I have to admit , he was keen on keeping his time limit . We made it through the first half of the building in about maybe a minute and a half . It was when we made it to the back room when there was a problem . Rocky 's friend forgot to mention that there would be a security guard walking around the back areas . We split up and slowly walked around the guard , but Rocky had some trouble getting around . Isabelle was quick on her feet . She came to his rescue while I looked for the ladder . " Well β¦ are you supposed to be back here ? I mean what you 're going to miss the tree lighting ceremony . I 'll tell you what , I will cover your shift and you and go outside , " Rocky said , raising his hands up to his face . She managed to persuade the security guard to leave us alone . They caught up with me with a minute to spare . I twisted the lock on the ladder and help them up . Isabelle went up first and Rocky second . He held out his hand and helped me up as I neared the top . The roof was empty besides the three of us . Rocky checked his watch . We were right on - time . As we approached the roof , the Christmas tree towered above us like a giant . The speaker was just about to finish his speech . I could see the black remote that controlled the lights . As the speaker finished his speech , he pressed the button and the lights of the tree came on . It started at the bottom and made their way to the top of the tree , where a glowing gold star shined the brightest . I have to admit it , Rocky was right . This view was breathtaking . Even though I see this almost every year , this tree was different . Something about sharing a moment like this with friends makes all the difference . By Inside Andrewin Short StoriesDecember 9 , 2016December 9 , 20162 , 162 WordsLeave a comment Halloween Short Story : A Night at Studio 44 Happy Halloween , everyone ! So for this spooky season , I thought I 'd give you a short story to read . I wrote this a year ago back in my creative writing class and was waiting for Halloween to come to share it with you all . Instead of heading home to sleep , private investigator Hammond chose to spend the night in his office . He didn 't feel comfortable at home , preferring to sleep anywhere but his apartment . With no one waiting for him at home , he had no reason to leave a comfortable chair and oak table . Hammond wasn 't what one might say as kind ; since the death of his wife two years back , he 's kept to himself . But it doesn 't mean that he won 't talk to others . He will as long as it helps him make ends meet . And at times those associations are quick ; any association he had with someone usually ended poorly or with the wrong end of a pistol . He lived in his own little world . He sat by his desk , face flat in losing gambling tickets and empty bottles . Late into the night , his door creaked opened . The blinding light woke him . Hammond looked up and saw a silhouette of a woman in her late twenties standing in the frame . Hammond groaned and stood up . Walking towards the window , he pulled the blinds up to see the dimly lit city . The street lights shined on an empty Battery Park across the street as isolated cars drove by while a lone bystander strolled along the sidewalk . The woman turned on a desk lamp and looked and him . Hammond sat down by his desk and looked up at Margaret . Her black eyeshadow and red lipstick reminded him of the movie he 'd seen on the weekend , Mildred Pierce . Hammond straightened his sweater vest and took a drink of a nearby mug of water . Following the big transition to another improved station , Studio 44 had been abandoned for a year . Just two days ago , an anonymous scavenger stumbled upon strange markings on the wall and heard faint whispers in the hall . The scavenger recounts the markings as an animal skull surrounded by a circle and the whispers sounded of clicking and hissing . If anyone has any information regarding this station , please notify the police . Margaret explained that the markings and whispers were paranormal . And that she wanted Hammond to investigate the area and report any findings back to her . Unfortunately for her , Hammond was only a private investigator . Unwilling to be deterred , she insisted that it should be him to undertake the job . " Because , Mr . Hammond , I know you are a paranormal investigator , a damn good one at that . And all this is a cover . You are a special individual , the only person I know that dabbles in the world of the wicked . Also you won 't turn down any form of money , not when you have these losing tickets to pay off . Name your rate and I will pay you . Money is no object . " Hammond gave his rate , but he wouldn 't accept payment until the job is done . They both stood and shook hands . Before leaving , she wrote the number of her home phone on the newspaper slip . Margaret left the office and closed the door , leaving Hammond alone with the desk light . He walked to his closet ; inside hung a silver necklace , a tracking device , and his silver pistol . After grabbing his things , he left the office and made his way over to the radio station . The drive took about a half hour . With no one on the road to block him , it was a smooth ride . Hammond reached the station in the dead of night . The radio station didn 't look broken down or decayed , and the neighboring buildings still showed signs of life inside as countless shadows flickered back and forth . He walked closer to the station doors , flashlight in hand . The loud creaking doors echoed through the empty halls . With no working lights around , the flashlight was Hammond 's best friend . He clipped the light to his belt and continued working . Even though this seemed to be a simple job , Hammond had to go through with his usual routine . First , he had to ensure that there was in fact a paranormal event . Next the source had to be identified . Once it is , Hammond consults with the journal he kept on his person at all times . Inside the journal contained the instructions needed to fix the problem . He then will go on and deal with the situation and collect his reward . Simple enough . He reached for his tracker ; a radio looking device that helped him find any signs of paranormal activity . Slowly walking the hallways , Hammond pointed the tracker into the empty rooms . Each room had knocked over chairs and rotten desks . The clicking of his loafers echoed throughout the building . Upon reaching the last room of the first floor , he found the marking referenced in the slip . It was a skull of a stag surround by three intersecting circles , all painted in red . From his experience , he knew that the mark meant trouble . A stag skull was associated with ghosts , and the three circles would mean that there is an object in the area of importance . Hammond had to stay on his toes , knowing what he would find in the halls . The last thing he wanted was a wraith , slitting his throat and drinking blood from the wound . As he finished checking the first floor , Hammond continued to the second . Just as he planted his feet on the final step he heard the sound of radio static . He walked closer trying to get a read on his tracker . It began to click in a slow octave with every step . Hammond finally found the source of the static , an old recording booth with a radio still on . He walked toward the radio to turn it off . But it wouldn 't shut down . The radio kept playing static . Trying again , Hammond pulled the plug from the wall , yet the static persisted . Hammond stared at it until suddenly the radio static shifted into a broadcast . He knelt down and listened closer , thinking that the radio would give him a hint as to what happened . Following the gruesome attack on Studio 44 , the Regional Broadcasting Station has decided to relocate to a new building , turning the other one over to nature . The attack occurred on March 15 , 1944 as a lone gunman walked into the station with a loaded rifle . He gunned down the first forty people he came across . With no ammunition remaining , he switched to a trench knife and gutted those remaining . One of the few survivors around recalled what happened . " We just hid underneath our tables and behind curtains , hoping that he would walk away . I can still remember some of their cries and the blood running down the hall . " As of this broadcast it is known that the killer of the radio station has died from a self inflicted cut to the throat . This is Nicholas of NYR signing off . Something was stalking Hammond , watching his every move . He got up and turned around as his tracker began to click in the direction of the doorway . The light of his flashlight caught some sort of deer or animal 's head . It immediately backed away into the shadows . He walked closer and turned the corner . Nothing . Once he knew what he was dealing with , Hammond rushed outside and found a nearby phone . He turned the dial and waited as the tone rang . " We 're dealing with a wraith with the head of a stag . If you don 't mind , could you bring me some provisions ? I don 't think I can take care of the problem with what I have on me , " Hammond said . " I need some salt , holy water , and gasoline . They shouldn 't be hard to find . Although there isn 't a church nearby to get holy water that I 'm aware of , " he said . Hammond hung up the phone and waited . In one of the windows of the second floor , a fairly large shadow wandered the station . The head had some kind of bone or wood sticking out the top , and the limbs were long and slender . The shadow stayed in the window frame for four seconds and disappeared . Unless he wanted to end up dead and on the morning newspaper , Hammond knew enough not to reenter without the proper supplies . Instead he stood near the lamppost and quietly smoked his cigar . With the morning sun raising its head , Hammond knew he had to finish before morning . His journal specifically instructed that the wraith must be killed before the morning sun rises . If not , it will escape and appear in another part of town . In the dawn light , he saw Margaret , still wearing her dress , walking down the street carrying a small can . She handed him a small pouch of salt , a bottle of holy water , and a can of gasoline . " First , I have to take care of the wraith . He 's bound to the place by something in there . I found an old radio inside that looked in mint condition . I bet it 's that thing . And if that goes horribly wrong , I 'll have to burn the station down . If I 'm gonna do it , I got to do it now . When that sun comes up , the wraith goes away and terrorizes another place . Now if you 'll excuse me Margaret , I 've work to do . " " It 's only dangerous if you stray too far . Stick by me and you should be fine . Besides , I can 't let a woman like you alone out here in the dark , " Hammond said , picking up the gasoline . " Let 's get started . " The two of them returned to the radio station . Hammond gave her the pouch of salt and instructed her to sprinkle it at every door frame . The salt would trap the wraith within the station so that it couldn 't escape . With Margaret 's help , the two of them managed to lay the first floor with salt . In addition , Hammond also poured gasoline into each room as an extra precaution to burn the station to the ground . RBS wouldn 't bother with an abandoned building ; hell , maybe they will benefit from insurance money . Once on the second floor , Hammond and Margaret walked toward the wall with the marking . She held the flashlight in her hands and stared at the mark . Meanwhile , Hammond poured gasoline onto the mark and took out his lighter . He touched the gas , and the mark was engulfed in flames . As they watched the mark burn , the color of the flame changed from a bright orange to a deep blue . Margaret reached out her hand out of curiosity , but Hammond pulled it away . She apologized , and they continued preparing . After a half hour of gas and salt , they finished at the final room with the radio . Margaret sprinkled the last of the salt by the door and leaned on a table . Hammond looked at the radio one last time . It had finally died , but a red sticky liquid oozed from the speaker . Hammond realized that it was blood . The object the wraith is attached to was the radio He quickly placed it on the ground and poured gasoline over the hard . With the lighter , he lit the radio into a blast of blue fire . With the preparation complete , all they had to do was wait for the phantom to show its face . Hammond took a seat on a desk and waited . " I 'll shoot it ; unfortunately , my journal says this particular ghoul can 't be harmed by silver . But they can be stunned . When it is down we 'll pour the holy water on it and burn the place down . The mark on the wall was its entrance . With that gone , it has to face us ; there is nowhere for it to go . This wraith in particular is drawn to this place , maybe because of the killings I heard about on the radio , " Hammond said . " Very fair , I was born in Manhattan . I graduated in the top ten percent of my class , and have a degree in Greek mythology . My mother was a nurse and my father dabbled in the dark arts . It 's how I know about things like this . Maybe someday I want to continue his work . This radio station was my way of seeing if I can handle it . " There was a clicking noise coming from the hall . Hammond stood with his pistol in hand . The clicking was getting louder with each step closer . He put his back to the wall and listened closely . The wraith was right behind that wall . Margaret stayed still inside the room . Hammond swung around the corner , pointing his pistol in the empty hallway . He gave out a sigh and returned to the room . He looked at Margaret . She was staring at him , hands covering her mouth . Hammond felt a cold breath touch his neck . The sound of gurgling and snarling echoed throughout the station . In a quick motion , he ducked below the wraith and fired two shots into its chest . The thing shrieked and swung its elongated arms . Hammond ducked out of the way and pushed the wraith into the hallway . Pinned to the wall , the wraith vanished , but not without leaving a trail of a bright fluid out of the room and into the hallway . The wraith was stunned but still walking . An extra two shots could take it down . Hammond and Margaret followed the trail downstairs to the center of the building . They spotted the wraith making another mark on the wall with the fluid . Hammond leaped onto its back to keep it off guard . The bottle of holy water fell out of his pocket . Margaret took the bottle and poured the content onto a broken chair leg . She ran up to it and struck the wraith . The holy water made the wraith burst into flames and it fell backwards into the puddle of gasoline , creating an even brighter fire . Hammond and Margaret rushed out the station to not become engulfed . " I actually didn 't expect it to work . I 've mostly just set up the contracts and that 's it . It 's a nice change of pace . " They stood up and looked at each other . Margaret reached into her pocket and pulled out a check . She gave it to Hammond as payment for the job . Again thanking him for his work , Margaret assured him that if she finds any other issues that she will find him . They shook hands and stood there for a while , looking at the sun rise over the skyline . Hammond heard the sound of fire trucks coming their way . As the sirens came closer , Hammond and Margaret went their separate ways . The sun rose above the streets of Hell 's Kitchen . As the sun 's rays touched the ashes of Studio 44 , a small blue flame died out . |
The old car slowly made its way up the hill . The paint was dull and faded and the car was covered in dust . The harsh sunlight would normally reflect off the windows , if the scratched glass had not been littered by caked mud . Expertly steering the car around the corner , the driver suddenly came to a full stop when noticing a slim form slowly walk up the road . The person was clad in a pair of dark blue shorts and a light blue shirt , while the brim of a brick colored straw hat obscured the face from view , shielding the eyes against the bright sunlight . A backpack was casually slung over a shoulder , while the figure gradually made its way up the hill , unaware of the staring eyes . The distance between the car and the pedestrian was less than thirty meters and a mischievous grin appeared on the driver 's face . Taking a deep breath a hand was slammed down on the horn , producing an earth shattering noise . Immediately the figure jumped and turned around to locate the source of the noise . The body visibly relaxed when the car was spotted and the head underneath the straw hat slowly shook . " I 'll take my chances , " Alice smiled , walking to the passenger side and hopping in . The heavy door was closed with a loud screeching noise that almost made Alice 's teeth hurt . She winced and pulled a face , which only made her friend laugh harder . Alice laughed and wiped the perspiration from her forehead . It was a hot day . The heat had quieted the forest , creating simmering walls of hot air that hovered over the road . " I can 't believe it 's almost Christmas already , " Alice sighed . " Time sure has been flying . But I 'm glad though , I could use a break . " " I bet you could . You 've been working really hard , Alice . You did a great job catching up on those years of school you missed . I don 't think I could have done it . " " But you were the one having to pass all those tests , " Fiona answered . " You 'll be going to the university soon , " she added with a sigh . " I will hardly see you and Yarra anymore then . " " Well , I haven 't seen much of Yarra either these last few months , " Alice sighed . " I know she 's been working hard . She said she had to if she wanted to relax during the upcoming vacation . I can 't believe she will be starting her third year soon . " " Almost , " Fiona grinned . " I still have a few weeks , but most of the stuff I bought is already wrapped up and safely stashed away in my room . What about you ? " " I 'm working on it , " Alice smiled . " I keep a few things at George and Susan 's . They told me I could use Yarra 's room as a warehouse , " she chuckled . Alice 's clear blue eyes grew pensive and she slowly nodded , thinking about how her life had changed over the past two years . One day she had been a street kid , a runaway and the next day she had been taken under the protective wings of Jody and Sam . It had not taken her long to start seeing them and their family as her own . Alice let out a small sigh and watched the road ahead , knowing there would only be two more corners and then they would be granted a view of the majestic house on top of the hill . Surrounded by tall trees and flowerbeds . It had become her home . Alice had finally been able to start putting the past behind her and move on . With the professional help of Lisa Bailey , the warmth and love from Jody , Sam and their family , Alice had felt safe enough to allow herself to heal . And she had , although some of the deep wounds that had been inflicted on her soul had left scars that sometimes still made their presence known by a nagging , dull pain . Of her new family and friends , Jody and Yarra always managed to pick up on those dark moods and they were always there to lend a shoulder to cry on , or to just listen to Alice tell them about the demons that still occasionally haunted her . " Did you now ? " Alice asked with evident surprise . " So the two of you have been β¦ arranging things behind my back ? " When Fiona solemnly nodded the blond haired teenager smiled affectionately . " And when exactly did Yarra ask you to keep an eye on me ? " " Well , I β¦ I know she has been busy with all those exams and term papers and stuff , but β¦ a phone call doesn 't take up that much time , does it ? But lately whenever she calls me , or when I call her she doesn 't seem to have time to talk . It 's β¦ I feel like she 's brushing me off , " she ended in a whisper . Darn you , C . J . Do I really need to kick your behind and slap some sense into you ? Fiona angrily thought , eying her blond friend with a pensive look . This is so not you , my friend . What is going on ? " Yes , I did , but I felt like they were evasive about it , so I didn 't push the subject . Maybe she β¦ " Alice didn 't finish the sentence , but stared outside the window again , swallowing away the lump in her throat . " Maybe she has other friends now , " Alice answered in a rush . " And why shouldn 't she ? I mean , it 's not like β¦ like β¦ I mean , we β¦ we are just friends , good friends , but that doesn 't mean she owes me anything . " Fiona sucked in her bottom lip and exhaled slowly , while her brain frantically tried to come up with a reasonable explanation for Yarra 's behavior . She knew her friend studied really hard , hoping to finish her education earlier than scheduled . And she also knew how homesick Yarra had been , especially those first few months after she had moved to Brisbane . She had practically buried herself in her study , but still had time to write her and Alice a card or a letter and make the occasional phone call . So what had changed all of a sudden ? Fiona knew that Yarra 's feelings for Alice ran a lot deeper than the dark girl would ever admit , so there had to be a good reason for her friend to not contact the blonde . And Fiona was determined to find out . As soon as possible . Even if it meant driving her beat up old car all the way up to Brisbane to see her friend and demand an explanation . Fiona nodded and a big smile adorned her face when she looked at the veranda where Jody was comfortably resting in a huge chair . A full grown German Shepard was lying at her feat . His eyes were staring at Fiona 's car and he was slowly thumping his tail . He knew he didn 't have to get up and defend his mistress . The new arrivals were members of his pack . " Don 't tell her that , " Alice replied with a warning glance . " Yesterday she said she felt like a beached whale . I think the heat is very hard on her at the moment . " " No doubt , " Fiona sighed , opening the door and starting to get out . " I feel sorry for her . And she still has almost two months to go . " " Not for long , I 'm afraid , " Jody chuckled , absently rubbing her swollen belly . " No offense , Fiona , but your precious car does look like it could die any minute . I bet I could still outrun it . " " I would like to take you up on that challenge , sis , " Fiona smirked . " But somehow I believe your doting , overprotective wife would have my hide . Besides , no matter how much I 'd love to meet those little guys you are hiding in there , I prefer them to sit tight a little longer . " " It 's not like they are sitting tight , " Jody chuckled . " It seems that when I need to sit down and relax , they start playing games . I believe their favorite pastime is acrobatics . " " I guess not , " Jody dryly replied . " I might be pregnant and so huge I can hardly move , but my brain is still intact . So , give . " " It 's not like C . J . to treat Alice like that , " Fiona sighed . " I 'll call her today , to see what 's up . She might need a good kick in the behind . " She liked Sam 's office . The space was used as efficient as possible , with a huge desk , state of the art computer and a separate phone line . The walls were decorated with pictures of friends and family . And of course the enlarged picture of Alice , Yarra , Fiona and Kurt , that Jody had taken during the spring , when they had returned from a walk in the bush . A brief but fierce rainstorm had surprised them and by the time they had returned to Murrook Farm , they all sported the same disheveled look , covered in mud and various unidentifiable parts of the forest . Fiona grinned and reached out a hand to grab the phone . She dialed Yarra 's number from memory and heard the tell tale sign of a buzzing phone . Impatiently drumming her fingers on the smooth surface of the desk she waited for the call to be answered . " Guess I 'm luckier than some other people we know , " Fiona remarked , a little more sarcastic than she intended to . " What 's up , Yar ? Why are you ignoring Alice ? " she bluntly asked . " I β¦ I haven 't been ignoring Alice , " Yarra 's voice sounded strained . " It 's just β¦ it 's so stupid , really , Fi . I 've been working really hard lately , so I could have a few weeks off around Christmas . In fact , I have this job as well . It 's only for a couple of weeks , but it 's good money . I didn 't have much time for anything else but work and study . I haven 't had much time to spare lately . " " Gods , no ! I would never do that . You know what she means to me , Fi . In fact β¦ " Yarra hesitated and Fiona could hear her take in a deep breath . " Alice was the reason I took that job . I needed some extra money to buy her something special for Christmas . " " It 's a bit early for that , don 't you think ? " Yarra answered dryly , but Fiona could detect the wistful tone in her voice . " No , it 's something more practical than that , I β¦ I wanted to give her a new drawing board with all the additional pencils and stuff she will need when she starts her first term next year . " " Hey , my lips are sealed , C . J . But I know she 'll love that , especially since it will be from you , " she added with a chuckle . " This reminds me , I 'll have to tell Sam and Jody to put mistletoe up in some strategic places . " " I doubt it , " Fiona grinned . " It 's just to help you a little , my friend . At least with the mistletoe you 'll have a legitimate reason to get up close and personal with Alice . " " I don 't , " Fiona cheerfully replied . " But you 'll have to find that out for yourself . Just make sure to give her a call today , all right ? And make it longer than five minutes . " " Having a bit of a tough time at the moment . The babies are on a growth spurt and the heat is not helping her feel better . She doesn 't complain , but I know it 's hard on her . Another few weeks to go though . " " It 's what Jody wanted . And what Jody wants , Jody gets , " Fiona joked . " I don 't think there 's anything Sam wouldn 't do for her , but she did make my sister promise to just sit down and enjoy herself . I think she won 't be allowed to do as much as lift one single finger . " " Good . She shouldn 't . She can 't overdo it . She needs her strength to deliver those two little rug rats . Or I will sic my mom on her . " " Oh , yeah , that would help , " Fiona laughed . " It 's a comforting idea to have an experienced nurse living next door . Who knows what could happen . " " Don 't want to jinx anything , " Fiona grinned . " I have to go , C . J . , before Alice starts wondering where I am and decides to interrogate me . Call your sweetie as soon as you can , all right ? " With a yawn Lucy McDonnell exited her vehicle that she had parked underneath the carport next to the house . It had been a busy day at the office and she was tired . All she wanted was a cool shower , a light meal and relax on the veranda , curled up into her lover 's arms . She bit back a grin and headed towards the source of the sound . As soon as she rounded the corner , she stood stock still and with wide eyes she stared at her sweaty , sawdust covered partner . Trishia was clad in a pair of shorts and a tank top that hugged all her curves in exactly the right way and would normally be considered incredibly sexy , except for the thin layer of dust that was liberally spread across her torso . " Hey , baby . I am glad you are home . How was your day ? " she asked , starting to wrap her arms around her lover but being stopped by a pair of raised hands . " It 's a maze , " Trishia explained with evident pride . " Look . Can you see all those little hallways ? There will be a little marble hidden inside and Sam will have to pick up the box and tilt it to try and get the marble out . See all the openings ? Most of them are fake . There will only be two exits for that marble . " " Do you see this little hole ? The marble fits in there and only when she drops it in , it will release this little hatch here , " Trishia opened the box again and pointed towards the center of it where Lucy could see the aforementioned hatch . " The weight of the marble will release it and then she can open the lid . " " Mmm β¦ a bit sweaty and β¦ dusty β¦ nothing a nice shower can 't fix . Would you care to join me ? I 'll wash your back , " Lucy promised with a seductive purr . " Other β¦ body parts are negotiable , ' Lucy smirked , knowing that dinner would probably have to wait . A long time . Just thinking about Trishia 's strong , experienced hands roaming across her body , finding all the sensitive spots , took her breath away and provided a tingling sensation that ran from her head to her toes . " Then what are we waiting for ? " Lucy replied in a husky voice , reaching out a hand and grabbing Trishia 's larger one . " Follow me . " " It was my day off , remember ? " Trishia replied , brushing her lips across a bare shoulder , while her fingers made quick work of the light linen slacks that were still hugging Lucy 's hips . They joined the rest of the outfit on the floor , while both women headed for the shower , exchanging soft touches and kisses along the way . " Honey , why don 't you sit down and relax ? I 'm sure Alice and I can clean up the kitchen and make you a nice cup of tea or something , " Sam gently suggesting , seeing the teenager nod . " You look tired . " " I 'll live , Sam , " the small redhead assured her partner . " I am sure I 'm not the first woman to carry twins and I don 't think I will be the last one either . So , why don 't you and Alice clean up the kitchen , make some tea and then you and I can discuss the arrangements for our Christmas party . All right ? " Jody shoved back her chair , placed her hands on the table and with a soft grunt she pushed herself up , until she was standing on both her feet . She cast Sam , who was about to grab her arm a warning look . The tall woman sheepishly smiled and stepped back , making room for her partner to walk towards the kitchen door . " Why don 't you join Jody , Sam ? " Alice suggested , having already cleared the table . " I 'll take care of the kitchen and make some tea . " She did understand Yarra though and she respected the young woman 's desire to go out and work for the money she needed to buy her friend a special Christmas gift . When Jody had told her about Yarra 's efforts it had stung a little at first . Only Jody , Yarra 's parents and Yarra herself knew that Sam had been the one who had paid for her education . Being the third child with two older brothers who were also still enrolled at the University of Queensland , it was hard for George and Susan Kirby to come up with the money to support their daughter . Sam had been very generous and had opened an account where she had deposited more than enough money for Yarra to make it through veterinary school . She knew Yarra only took out the money she absolutely needed for tuition and books . The rest had been left untouched . It would have been easy for the girl to just take the money she needed to buy Alice a present , but instead she had decided to work , making long days to reach the goal she had set for herself . Sam 's first reaction had been disappointment . She knew Yarra was a hard worker and she was proud of her educational achievements . But it troubled her the girl was pushing herself so hard , while the solution to her problem could have been so simple . But Jody had gently asked her what she would have done had she been in that situation and Sam had to admit she would have done the same . She would have wanted to be the one who had worked hard to give a special friend a special gift . So it would be only from her , nobody else . Alice smiled and filled the kettle with fresh water , putting it on the stove . She enjoyed the playful bantering and teasing , always recognizing it for what it was : a sign of genuine affection . She had lost her mother in a tragic way and nobody could ever replace her , but Sam and Jody had proved to be loving , caring guardians and she was sure they would make great parents . Just when she had finished pouring boiling water into the teapot the phone rang and Alice 's head jerked up , like it had done so many times before during the last few weeks . Constantly hoping it would be her friend , whom she missed so much . The disappointment had always been the same and Alice sadly reminded herself that she had to try and get used to the empty feeling she was experiencing since Yarra had stopped calling her every other day . " Alice , hi , it 's me . How are you doing ? " Yarra 's soft , melodious voice filled her ear and Alice turned away from Sam and Jody to hide the tears in her eyes . " Too busy to talk a few minutes on the phone with me ? Or send me emails that are longer than two sentences ? " Alice couldn 't hide the bitterness in her voice and she winced when the words had left her mouth . She silently reminded herself that Yarra did not owe her anything and she had no claim on the dark skinned girl . " I can explain , Alice and I really want to . I don 't want you to be upset with me , although I do understand if you are . But you 'll have to believe me when I tell you that β¦ I still feel the same about you . Nothing could ever change that . " " I miss you , " Alice softly whispered . " I haven 't seen you in like β¦ months . Kurt misses you too , " she added , looking down at the German Shepard who had taken up position at her feet , looking up at her with trusting , dark eyes . " Listen , Alice . I will be home soon . We can spend a lot of time together and I 'll explain to you why I acted like a β¦ jerk β¦ lately . Is that all right with you ? It 's not a good idea to do that now , for numerous reasons , but I 'll tell you later . I promise . " Alice frowned and absent mindedly scratched the big dog between his ears , making him grunt in pleasure . Her blue eyes had a faraway look in them when she stared into the distance , without seeing much of the beauty that surrounded her . But suddenly a thought crossed her mind and she shot upright , her blue eyes clear and alert . " That is all that matters to me . I couldn 't stand it if β¦ if β¦ something would come between us . " Yarra audibly swallowed before hastily continuing . " You mean so much to me . " Closing her eyes Alice exhaled slowly , while a smile crept up her face . She knew her answer would change their friendship into something deeper and more intense . But she was ready for that . " Six weeks and three days , " Yarra sighed . " And yes , you might have . I 'm looking forward to seeing if that will be the case . " " Thanks , Sam , " Joan groaned . " I like the idea , but do we really have to wrap all of them ? Why not just stick a note to it with a name ? That would be so much easier . " " Come on , Mom , you know you want my help , " Fiona laughed . " Besides , you 'll be taking off to Murrook Farm tomorrow to help Jody with all the baking and stuff . You need to be done before you leave . And that will give you β¦ " Fiona cast a look at the clock and smirked . " β¦ a total of eleven hours , since Sam will pick you up at eight . " " Let me see , there are Jody and Sam , of course , " she ticked off on her fingers . " You , me , Lucy and Trish , Alice and Yarra , Susan and George , Yarra 's brothers Collin and Marron , Sarah and Megan with the little rug rat and then of course our mystery guests : baby one and baby two . That is fifteen visible people and two hidden ones . That 's a lot of presents , Mom , " Fiona smirked . " But it could have been worse , you know . Brian and Chris were invited as well , but they 'll be visiting Chris ' parents in Cairns and Bird is on a field trip and will be happily floating somewhere on the Pacific , doing whatever marine biologists do . " " Sam and Jody must be out of their minds . Ah , well , the good news is I did get seventeen presents , so I didn 't leave anyone out , but the bad news . . , " Joan 's eyes traveled to the table and she sent her daughter a pleading look . " Help ! " " We 'll be unwrapping stuff until New Year 's Eve , " Fiona laughed , looking forward to the event . " But I 'll help you , Mom . Let 's get this show on the road . " " You 're my hero , " she sighed . " I don 't think I could have done all that , Jody . I never realized how much it was until I saw that heap . " " Yes , it will , won 't it ? " Sam chuckled while her blue eyes shone with glee . " Wait until Trishia has to unwrap her present ! I can 't wait to see her face . " " It will be our last Christmas without kiddies , " Sam remarked with a happy sigh . " I 'm so looking forward to meet these two little individuals . Nine months is such a long time to wait . " " That they usually come earlier , " Sam answered with a smile . " Well , I 'm ready to meet those little sprouts . Those ultra sounds are great , but still , it 's just like looking at a black and white puzzle : whose parts are who ? " " You are so bad ! Making me laugh like that woke them up , baby . You 'll need to tell them a story later on , to calm them down , otherwise they won 't let me sleep . " " And I do . I haven 't met them yet , but β¦ I just know we will have two very special children . And I really would want them to look like their mommy . " " Red hair and freckles ? " Jody inquired with raised eyebrows . " I hope they will have more of your genes , sweetie . I like the blond haired , blue eyed look . Not to mention your height . I like it that you and your brother Tom 's are so tall . If these babies are anything like the two of you , I won 't be complaining . " " I really like the idea of us having twins , " Jody confessed . " I know we 'll be busy , but it will be so wonderful , Sam . Have I ever thanked you for that ? " " You have . And there are so many more things you excel in , baby . Kissing is one of them , " Jody whispered hoarsely , feeling her heart skip a beat when her lips met Sam 's again . " We need to finish this wrapping expedition , baby . Mom will be here in the morning and I need to be done by then . " Jody gave Sam one last kiss and playfully poked the taller woman 's chest . " It 's your fault , you know . You made up the rule that nothing is allowed to be bagged . " " And what a silly rule that was , " Sam grinned . " I 'm looking forward already to hearing everybody moan and groan about it . It was an excellent joke . " " Yes , sweetie , I 'm fine . I think I just overdid it a little . It feels a bit β¦ sore , that 's all . Nothing your hands can 't handle , " Jody added with a charming smile . " So , can I talk you into giving me a nice back rub ? " Hopefully this letter will reach you . I never know if they do , since I have written you so many already and I have never received an answer . But I like to keep trying , because no matter what has happened in the past between dad and me , you are still my baby brother and I love you . I always will . I know you occasionally meet Mom and Fiona , so you have probably heard that you will be an uncle soon . One of my most heartfelt wishes is for you to be a part of the twins ' lives . To me that would be a precious gift . Fiona told me you aced your final exams and are officially graduated from high school now . I 'm proud of you . But then , you have always been a smart cookie ! Michael exhaled and raked his fingers through his reddish blond hair . It had been such a coincidence he was handed the mail when he went into the tiny , local post office that morning . Usually it was his dad who collected the mail , when he was on his way home from work . But when Michael went in that morning to buy himself some stamps , the owner , Bill Sawyer , who happened to be a friend of his father , had not been there . Instead the only person manning the small business had been Bill 's nephew Mark . He had handed Michael a stack of mail and only when he had come home and dropped the envelopes on the kitchen table , his eyes had fallen on the familiar long hand he immediately had recognized as his sister 's . The letter was addressed to him . With trembling fingers he had opened the envelope and taken out the sheet of paper . With tears in his eyes he had read Jody 's words , wondering why it had taken her such a long time to finally try and contact him . But when he read the letter for the second time he knew why . " Why dad ? " Michael whispered , feeling miserable to have discovered something about his father Fiona had already warned him about years ago . He thought his youngest sister had been wrong when she had once told him that Jody never forgot his birthday , or Christmas . It had hurt him back then , to realize Fiona thought Jody remembered him . He had acted like it didn 't matter much to him , shrugging his shoulders and mumbling something unintelligible . But deep down inside , he had been silently crying . Trying not to think about how much he missed his eldest sister and later , after the divorce his mother and Fiona and Lucy as well . They are all spawns of the devil , son , his father 's words echoed in his ears . Jody and Lucy are an abomination to God and our family and they have sucked your mother and sister right into it . When their time comes they will all go straight to hell . Hell ? Michael mused . What exactly is hell ? I feel like I have been going through an emotional hell ever since Mom left . And Fiona . Dad expected me to take his side , because I am his son . He told me we should stick together . He told me God wanted me to turn my back on my sisters . It would be a great act of faith on my part . But I don 't believe that anymore . I don 't think I ever have . It 's what he wanted . Not God . Michael rubbed his tired eyes and could feel the moisture coat his fingers . He felt like his life had come to a crossroads and no matter whether he would turn left or right , he would end up hurting people in the process . Not just ordinary people , but family he cared about . It was so hard . His brother Matthew had his own business , working as a contractor and both he and his dad expected Michael to start his apprenticeship soon . They wanted him to be a carpenter , like they were . But they had never asked the eighteen year old what his dreams were . His grades were good enough to go to medical school and become a pediatrician . He once mentioned that to his father , who had laughed and roughly slapped his back , jokingly asking him if he was a queer like his sisters were ? Being a carpenter would make him a real man , his father had assured him . Studying was for losers . " Come on , come on , " Yarra impatiently jumped from one foot to the other , waiting for the light to turn . She only had five minutes left before her bus would leave and she needed to be on it . But first she had to cross that awfully busy street where the whole world and his dog seemed to be rushing past to do some last Christmas shopping . She had promised her parents to be home for Christmas Eve , which gave her about ; she cast a look at her watch , five more hours . Her brothers had left for home days ago , taking most of her stuff with them and Yarra had watched them leave with tears in her eyes and a heavy heart . The deal with the job she had taken was to stick with it until four p . m . , Christmas Eve , which had given her about an hour and a half to collect her weekend bag , run to the store where they had promised to lay away the drawing board and from there hurry to the nearest bus station . When her brothers had left , the only thing that had kept her from jumping in the back of Collin 's car was the thought of a pair of brilliant blue eyes that would shine with happiness after Yarra had given Alice her presents . And something extra . If she could muster up the courage to give that . Nervously fingering the small package in her pocket Yarra swallowed hard . Buying it had been a spur of the moment kind of thing , one which she didn 't regret . Oh , no . But she did wonder why she had talked herself into it . Yarra 's brown eyes softened and with a sigh of relief she saw the light turn . Quickly she followed the herd of pedestrians that were also on their way to the bus station . Many of them were students , like she was , having stayed in Brisbane longer to work and make some extra money to buy their friends and loved ones Christmas gifts . Yarra grinned when she looked around and noticed that a lot of people were hauling around bags full of colorful wrapped packages or gift bags . At least she didn 't look silly , carrying the big box that contained Alice 's main present . The only problem was getting it on the bus . But maybe the driver would help her store it in the belly of the bus , where the huge luggage compartment was . That would help her to have a relaxed drive back home . Yarra gritted her teeth and ignored the annoying little voice that was nagging in the back of her mind . She would be home soon and that was all that counted . After the summer Alice would go to Brisbane as well and they would be able to see each other more often . Yarra 's eyes spotted the bus she needed to bring her home and she stuck her hand inside her pocket to pull out her wallet . Immediately she froze . Her heart skipped a beat and she felt a cold shiver run down her spine . Her pocket was empty . For a brief moment the dark girl thought she had been robbed , but then , with clarifying horror she realized she had left it in her room . On the table . Next to her bed . With the money inside to buy a ticket home . " Hey , Jim , " she greeted him with a tired smile . " I was going home , but I just discovered I left my wallet with all my money on my night stand . I guess I 'll miss this bus , huh ? " " That is sweet of you , Jim , " Yarra sighed , pleased with the gesture . " But I 'll be staying home until the start of the new semester . I really need to go back and get it . " " Let me give you some money , so you can use one of those luggage lockers , Yar , " Jim suggested , raising a hand to silence the dark girl 's protest . " Come on , mate , it 's the least I can do . Besides , you 'll be able to move faster if you don 't have to carry all that weight around . " " No worries , just helping out a friend , " Jim shrugged . " Let 's go find ourselves a vault that will be able to swallow that thing . What 's it anyway ? " he asked over his shoulder , leading Yarra to a small building where the storage lockers were . " A Christmas gift ? " " Maybe one day she will , " Yarra grinned . " Listen , Jim , I really need to run if I want to catch the last bus out . Thanks a lot for your help , mate . I really appreciate it . " " Excuse me , miss ? " a timid voice suddenly sounded and when Yarra looked up she saw a young girl standing in front her . She couldn 't be much older than ten . She was dressed in a pair of dark shorts and a light blue t - shirt that had seen better days . Her feet were bare and dirty . The light blonde hair almost fell into the girl 's pale blue eyes and she looked at Yarra through long eyelashes . " Yes , please ? They emptied the bins in the park today and β¦ and β¦ I need a bottle to go over to the fountain over there to get my Mom some water . I dropped the other bottle I had and busted it , " the girl ended in a whisper . " Now it 's leaking a lot . " " It 's nice to meet you , Linny . My name is Yarra , " the dark girl smiled . " And of course you may have my bottle . Here . " " That 's all right , Linny . I can get another one later . " Her brown eyes searched the park . Except for the girl and a few people near the fountain , she didn 't see anyone else . If the weather was good enough , I usually slept outside . Mostly in parks , underneath some bushes that were big enough to hide me . I knew that if I would just stay put , I might survive another night , Alice 's voice echoed in her ears . " She said she would be , but I think she 's sick , because she was so cold . She coughs a lot . And I know she has a sore belly . " " I know , I know , " Alice mumbled , wondering why she was feeling so restless . She cast a look at the clock and realized Yarra should have arrived home more than an hour ago . What kept her ? Probably the excitement about the upcoming Christmas Party . Or maybe he was expecting Yarra to drive up the road . Sam had read an article that stated that animals sometimes just knew those kinds of things . " Yarra ! " she sighed in relief when she heard the familiar voice on the other side of the connection . " I was wondering where you were hiding . Did you have a good trip down ? " " I 'm still in Brisbane , Alice , " Yarra 's tired voice sounded in Alice 's ear . " Something came up . I am sorry . " " I met this little girl and her mother in a park , when I was on my way to the bus station . They are homeless and the mother is very sick . She was lying behind some bushes , Alice and when I got to her she was more dead than alive . I called an ambulance , but somebody had to stay with the girl for a while . I couldn 't just leave her there , so I went to the hospital with her . " " The doctor said she 'll live . She was severely dehydrated and has pneumonia . It nearly killed her , but they are pretty confident she will make it . " " They will keep her in the hospital , because she was pretty malnourished as well . At least that way she and her mother will be able to stay together . Hopefully the social worker will find a solution for them . " Alice closed her eyes and felt a tear slide down her cheek . She was assaulted by a mixture of emotions . Yarra 's story had brought back some vivid memories about her own experiences as a homeless child . She knew all about fear and desperation and her heart went out to this little girl and her mother . She also felt joy and gratitude for Yarra putting aside her own plans , to assist a total stranger who needed help . But that was typically Yarra : kindhearted , loving and generous and it was such a blessing to have her as a friend . " How are you doing , Yarra ? Are you all right ? " she asked with concern , feeling the couch next to her dip under the weight of someone sitting down . When she felt a gentle hand rub her back she didn 't have to look up to know it was Jody . After having lived at Murrook Farm for two years , it still amazed her how Jody always knew when she needed some extra support and comfort . " I 'll be all right , " Yarra 's hoarse voice sounded . " I just felt so sorry for that poor little girl and her mother . I 've heard the stories you told me , Alice , about your own time on the streets and I guess when I saw that skinny , blond girl , I saw you . I 'm so grateful Jody and Sam took you in . " " Oh , goodie ! Well , no matter what kind of weather it will be , I 'll be there tomorrow , Alice . I promise . Mom and Dad and the boys will leave around eleven thirty , but Dad promised to leave the four wheel drive at home , so I can use it when I get home . I 'd hate to walk up the hill with that heavy present I got you . " With a muffled groan Jody punched her pillow , changing its shape , hoping it would make her more comfortable . A quick glance at the alarm clock showed her it was past midnight already and she still had not slept for more than ten minutes in a row . For some reason she just couldn 't relax . " I need to get up , " Jody mumbled to herself . " I 'd better walk around for a while and make a cup of tea , before I wake up poor Sam . Besides , my bladder is screaming at me again . " " I 'm not miserable , sweetie , just uncomfortable . " Jody turned around and sent her partner a tired smile . " I 'll be miserable in the morning if I don 't get some sleep soon . " " And I love you , " Sam answered , pressing her cheek against Jody 's . " Now , go to the bathroom . I 'll make us some tea and then I 'll find a way to make you comfortable . How does that sound ? " " It looks incredible , Jody . Sam did a great job , " Joan smiled looking at the huge Christmas tree where piles of colorful presents were neatly stacked . It was hard to see the tree was not a real one . The dark green branches were exactly the right color and were decorated with silver and blue ornaments . " She worked hard to get the room ready , " Jody told her mother . " They are pretty sure we 'll have rain today , so setting everything up outside was out of the question . It 's a good thing we have such a big house , " she chuckled . " I asked Lucy to get here a little early , so she and Trish can help out . I suppose the rest will start arriving around noon . I hope it won 't rain until the end of the day though . " " A little ? " Joan chuckled , gently rubbing Jody 's back . " I remember what it felt like , Jody , those last few weeks and I didn 't even carry around twins . Why don 't you sit down for a while ? " " I think I 'd better , " Jody agreed . " If Sam sees me like this she 'll have a fit . I swear mom , she 's like a mother hen and sometimes I seriously think she 's convinced I 'm made out of porcelain . " " Sit down , sis . You look like you need a rest , " she urged , tugging Jody along to a comfortable chair . " Are you all right ? " " You know , if I had received a quarter for every time I 've been asked that question during these last few weeks , I could buy Fiona a new car , " Jody grinned , obediently taking a seat . " And to answer your question , my dear protective sister , yes , I am all right . Just tired . I had some trouble falling asleep last night . That 's all . So , where is your honey ? " " She is outside with Sam , Fiona and Alice . They are wondering whether to put up the lanterns for this evening . If we do get hit by that storm they might be flying all over the place though . " " It will be fun though , " she remarked . " But I did have to promise Sam to sit down and just let things happen . I don 't think I am allowed to lift as much as two cups at the same time . " Yarra cast another look at the sky and noticed the tell tale signs of an upcoming storm . The wind had picked up considerably , even though the sun was shining and it was already hot outside . The line of dark clouds on the horizon was rapidly coming closer and was an indication that the weather prophets might be right . It could very well be a stormy , wet Christmas . With a sigh the dark girl glanced at her watch . It was only eight thirty . She still had another two hours to go before she would be home . A lot of things could happen within two hours , Yarra knew , casting another look at the sky . She had a bad feeling about the weather . " Yeah , I know what you mean , " Yarra answered . " I should have been home yesterday , but something came up . Seems like I could be getting home late today . " " Yeah and it 's heading south as well . " The driver cast another look at his passenger and noticed the disappointment in her expressive dark eyes . " I 'm sorry , Miss . " " I know , " Sam sighed . " But I 'm more worried about Alice . Yarra was supposed to be here yesterday , but something came up and she couldn 't leave until this morning . If she 'll be delayed again I 'm afraid Alice will be very disappointed . " " She is , " Sam answered with a small smile . " But she is holding up real well . She had a check up two days ago and everything was great . The babies are both positioned with their heads down , which is good . " " You liar , " Trishia laughed , slapping her friend across her back . " Gods , Sam , I would be packing it , really . I don 't understand how you can seem to be so calm . I would be all over the place . " " I think I know the one , " Trishia replied with a smile . " Lucy has that look as well . The ' you know I love you , but if you don 't back off right now you 'll be sleeping in the shed ' kind of look . " " Darn ! I hope it won 't be a serious storm , " Sam mumbled . " Let 's go inside , Trish and see what the gang is up to . Kurt will surely warn us when Yarra comes up the road . " The rain was coming down like a thick wall of water . The window wipers of the bus were frantically working to clear the window from excessive water , but to no avail . The visibility was reduced to almost nothing and the driver was squinting his eyes to try and see the road just in front of him . Yarra had climbed into the seat next to him and her eyes were glued to the side of the road , ready to yell a warning whenever she would spot an obstacle that threatened to slide down the hill and hit the bus . Up until now it had only been a few little rocks and a lot of water that had been coming down . But she knew the rain that was pelting down would wash away the mud and sand and could easily loosen up the big boulders , causing them to tumble down onto the road . As soon as the rain had seriously started to come down , Ted Matthews had been forced to reduce speed and make his bus crawl over the road . There was no way he could stop . The few parking areas they had passed had been lined with big trees . The risk of the wind gusts taking off the huge branches and slamming them into the bus had been too great , so they had decided to continue their journey , sticking to the highway . Keeping her head bent Yarra walked around the huge branch and used both hands to grab its splintered end . With a grunt she started pulling the heavy branch , feeling her muscles complain about the sudden abuse . It took all the strength she possessed , but she managed to move the obstacle towards the side of the road . The rough bark scraped against her legs and arms , causing a few abrasions in its wake , but Yarra didn 't even notice the pain . All she wanted was to get rid of the obstacle that was in between her and a beautiful blonde with amazing blue eyes . She never really understood how her husband and children did it , but somehow , on a level she never could grasp , they were all connected with each other . If one was in trouble , the other ones knew . Over the years they had proven that numerous times and Susan had learned to rely on their unusual gift . " What do you mean ? " his wife answered , while her eyes traveled to the pregnant woman , who was sitting in her chair , chatting with her friend Megan . " She seems to be doing fine . " " For crying out loud , honey , you β¦ . " Susan halted in mid sentence when her husband looked at her with a serious expression . " You are serious , aren 't you ? " She raked her fingers through her hair and let out a deep sigh . " Of course you are serious . You were always right with our kids . So what do we do , George ? " " Nothing , " the dark skinned man dryly answered . " We can 't go anywhere in this storm , so we 'll have to make the best of it here . You are here , so I 'm not worried . " " But you have delivered your share of babies . I have faith in you . " George put down his empty glass and unfolded his tall frame from the couch . " Best speak to Sam anyway , just to warn her , " he said . " There 's no way we can drive down to the hospital right now , " she softly spoke . " I could call our doctor , but I doubt she would make it up here in this storm . But I guess I 'll have to try anyway , huh ? " " O , God , " Sam whispered , feeling a sudden tightening in her chest . She took a few deep breaths to push down the rising feeling of panic , knowing full well that very soon Jody would need her . She had to keep it together . " Well , I sure appreciate it , George , " Sam replied , casting a look at Jody who was shifting uncomfortably in her chair . " How long ? Do you have any idea ? Maybe we can sit out the storm and drive to the hospital in time . " George Kirby was spared the answer , because a soft cry of surprise sounded when Jody was getting up from her chair . Holding the arm of the chair with one hand , her other hand was pressed against her belly , while her expressive green eyes looked for Sam . She managed a weak smile and mouthed : " My water broke . " " Megan suggested it 's a good idea to check out how far I am , you know , with the dilation . There must be something going on down there because I β¦ " Jody sucked in a breath and pressed her hands against her belly . She slowly exhaled and took another breath . " β¦ I think I am having contractions , " she ended seriously . " Boil some water , Lucy , " Susan calmly answered . " Clean up some sharp knives or scissors and boil them for at least five minutes . And we need a stack of towels . " Ted had made sure to drop off Yarra as close to her home as he could . In doing so he did break a few company rules , but that didn 't bother him much . He and the young student had been through a few rough hours together and he wanted to make sure she would be all right . Yarra knew she was taking a risk by running through the forest while there was a storm raging , but she didn 't care . She had promised Alice she would be home for Christmas and she would do anything she could to make it in time . Instead of fear she felt excitement , knowing she would finally see her friend again soon . " You 're the best , dad , " Yarra mumbled , opening the door of the car and putting her heavy box on the backseat , glad she had managed to keep it in one piece . The box was wet and covered in muddy , red stains , but Yarra knew Alice would probably not even notice that . She grinned happily and slammed the door shut . Running into the house , towards her old bedroom she already pulled off her drenched t - shirt , feeling the goose bumps erupt , in spite of the heat . " Freaking tree branch , " she mumbled with annoyance , deciding to have a quick shower after all . It would be a fast way to get rid of the blood and mud . " Sorry about that , Alice . I 'll be up soon though , I promise . " She turned to head for the bathroom , when her eyes fell on a small package that was sitting in the middle of her desk . She frowned , knowing Alice had used her room to store some Christmas presents and she wondered if her blonde friend had accidentally left one behind . When she stepped closer to have a better look , she noticed the neatly folded note with her name on it . She recognized it as Alice 's writing . Curiously she picked up the note and unfolded it . Dear Yarra , When you read this , you 'll be home . Finally ! It 's been a long wait , I can assure you . I have missed you . I bought you a Christmas gift , to go in the huge pile here , at Murrook Farm . But I bought you something else as well . I hope you 'll like it . When I saw it , it reminded me of the day we first met and I just had to get it . With a soft smile Yarra picked up the little package from the table and looked at it closely . The dark red paper was neatly folded around something that looked to be a little box and Yarra could almost picture Alice 's face while she had wrapped it , the serious blue eyes focused on the task , while the blonde would nibble her bottom lip . A cute picture of concentration . Carefully Yarra unwrapped the paper to reveal a small , dark blue box . Her heart did a double take when she saw the letters in gold print on top . It was from a local jewelry store that was well known for its handcrafted items . Yarra slowly opened the box and her eyes grew wide when she saw the shiny object on its bed of black velvet . With slightly trembling fingers she lifted up the necklace and took a closer look at the beautiful silver wallaby that was resting in the palm of her hand . It was beautifully crafted and all the details were painstakingly added , so it looked like an exact copy of a real one . Michael McDonnell cringed when another thunder almost shook the ground he was walking on . He had hoped the thunderstorm would have eased off quickly , but instead the storm seemed to linger and he felt extremely vulnerable as the lightning lit up the sky above him . A forest was not the best place to walk around in a storm like this , but he had no choice . Early that morning he had finally told his father what he had been dreading to do for such a long time already . Ever since he had received his sister 's letter . When David McDonnell had been sitting at the kitchen table , sipping his freshly brewed coffee , Michael had taken a seat across from his father and had looked at him with pain filled eyes . " For years I believed that I had lost my eldest sister , because she chose a wrong way and she didn 't want to have anything to do with me . I thought you were right , when you told us we should try to forget her , because she was a sinner and a pervert . I tried that , dad , I really did , but somehow I could never really believe all the things you told me about her . Because in my memory she always was the best sister I could have asked for . I know she loved me . " Michael had taken a deep breath and his voice had slightly trembled when he continued . " And when I remember Samantha Stevens , I remember a nice person , who was always willing to tell me stories and play with me . And I remember how Jody and Sam looked at each other . Even back then . How can a love that is so deep and pure be wrong , dad ? " " God is love , " Michael had calmly interrupted his father . " I know that much . I can 't believe a loving God would approve of a father coming between his children and telling them lies . " " Yes , I will , " Michael had calmly answered , although inside he was shaking like a leaf . " I have a right to see my sister . I am eighteen dad , I can basically do whatever I want . " He had put his hand over his father 's clenched fist and slowly pushed it down . " I wish things would have been different . I love you , dad . But I also love Jody . Please don 't make me chose . " " Don 't think for a moment you can have the car ! " his father had shouted after him and Michael had sighed . He had arranged to meet one of his friends down the road , who would drop him off close to where Jody and Sam lived . He could walk the rest of the way up . Michael sighed and wondered how much further he had to walk until he would reach Murrook Farm . The road through the forest was steep and winding and under different circumstances he would have appreciated the beauty that surrounded him , but not this time , when the lightning and thunder made him jump and the wind made quick work of the dead and sick tree branches that came tumbling down on a regular basis . He had been able to avoid being struck by one a couple of times and wondered how much longer his luck would last . He looked over his shoulder and relief flooded through his body when he saw the headlights of a car that was slowly crawling up the hill . Grabbing his soaked backpack he didn 't have to think twice . He ran down the road , towards the approaching car , waving his arms and hoping his prayers would be answered . " No worries , " Yarra grinned . " I am glad to be able to help . Besides , your sisters would skin me alive if I 'd not given you a ride . " " You could be a male version of Jody , " Yarra smiled , extending her hand and feeling it caught in a firm grip . " Hi , I am Yarra Kirby . Friend of the family . " " Nice to meet you , Michael , " Yarra laughed in delight . " I know a few people on top of this hill , who will be so pleased to see you . It 's great you could make it . " " It 's almost seven centimeters already , honey . You are further than I thought you would be , " Susan Kirby smiled . " I think this is going to be a very special Christmas delivery . " " Help me , Sam , " Jody whispered , stretching out both her hands to her partner , who grabbed her hands in a solid grip and carefully helped her to her feet . With a groan Jody stretched her legs , putting her hands in the small of her back for some extra support . The contractions seemed to get stronger and last longer , but walking did help her to relax a little , so nature could run its course . " Well , the dilation is progressing faster a lot faster than I expected . I really believe those babies are ready to come out , Sam . She 's almost seven centimeters now . And the contractions are only about two to three minutes apart . Usually it takes about another couple of hours before complete dilation , but in Jody 's case I think it will be faster . " Susan cast a look at Sam 's clear blue eyes and caught them effortlessly in a glance that was a mixture of excitement and trepidation . " A lot faster , " she added . " You must be Michael , " she exclaimed , grabbing his hand and pulling him up the stairs . " Everybody will be so pleased to see you . My name is Alice , Alice Wilson , " she introduced herself and she received a warm smile that was so much like Jody 's it was uncanny . Yarra carefully put down the box and pushed the yellow hood away from her head , scattering tiny drops all over the veranda . She quickly unzipped the jacket and shrugged it off , hanging it on one of the hooks beside the kitchen door . Then she turned to face Alice and watched her friend with intense brown eyes . Alice moistened her suddenly dry lips and let out a shaky breath . A lot of things had changed since the last time she had seen Yarra . She knew that while they had been apart her feelings for her dark skinned friend had steadily grown stronger and deeper . And she could only hope that Yarra 's feelings for her would be the same . " Yes , I have , " Alice smiled . She peeked up from her comfortable spot and glanced up at her friend 's face . " I hope you don 't have the urge to wipe your mouth with the back of your hand , ' she teased , referring to the story Yarra once told her and Fiona about experiencing her very first kiss . " I was hoping you 'd say that , " Yarra sighed , not able to wipe the goofy smile off her face . " I 'm sorry I am late , Alice . But driving up here was horrific . " " Are you joking ? " Fiona laughed , stepping closer to her two friends and hugging them fiercely . " I 've wanted this to happen for a long time now , " she confessed , feeling two pair of arms wrap around her body when both Alice and Yarra answered her rare display of affection . " The two of you belong together , " she added softly . " Believe me , Alice , when you and Yarra have grandchildren of your own you will be so pleased to be able to show them the picture of your first kiss . It was great . The two of you ; dark and light , with the rain in the background and β¦ " " C . J . , I have been waiting for that moment for ages , " Fiona complained . " You didn 't want to deny me the pleasure of capturing such a great moment . Come on ! One day you 'll be able to tell people the great Fiona McDonnell shot the first kiss you shared with the love of your life . " " All right , I didn 't take a picture , but only because my camera was out of reach . " Her twinkling green eyes softened when she looked at her friends and she smiled warmly . " But believe me it was a beautiful thing to see . " " All right , " Yarra muttered . " Who are you and what have you done to our friend ? The Fiona we know is not into mushy stuff and would never willingly admit that she enjoyed seeing two people kiss . " " It 's the Christmas spirit , " Fiona quipped with a smirk . " And the fact that from day one , I 've known that the two of you were made for each other . It 's good to see you are finally giving in to your primal urges , " she added with a wink . Susan Kirby exchanged a knowing look with Joan McDonnell and tried to hide her nervousness . It was clear that the twins had made their minds up and were ready to meet their parents , but outside the storm was still raging and even though Sam had called their physician , it would be impossible for her to drive up the hill . Not with the heavy rain that , most likely would already have flooded the creek , or the violent wind gusts that snapped off branches like they were matchsticks . Jody 's body was doing a fast job of preparing itself for the birth of her children and Susan realized that soon she would be going into active labor . The contractions had become stronger and were less than two minutes apart . Soon Jody would be ready and Susan swallowed hard . Delivering twins was always more risky than giving birth to a single baby . Letting out a shaky breath Susan cast another look at a small table where she had carefully placed the instruments she would need after the babies had been born . They had to improvise , but that was the least of her worries . Her main concern was the position the twins were in . Jody had told her the last check up had showed the twins being in the right position to descend into the birth canal . But what if they had shifted ? What if one of them was in a breech ? The anxiety was wreaking havoc on her nerves . She and Jody had been looking forward so much to the birth of their children , but she had never expected them to be born at home instead of at the hospital . If anything would go wrong β¦ Sam shook her head and mentally slapped herself for her dark thoughts . Jody needed her . She had to stay focused . Her lover needed her to be positive and strong . " Nothing yet , " she quickly said , answering the silent question . " But it won 't be long now . I need some warm water to make a hot water bottle . Baby one is on its way . " " I love you , Sam , " Jody softly spoke , when her eyes drank in the sight of the happiness and wonder that was written all over her lover 's face . She knew there was another baby who was planning on entering the world and she could feel it was in a hurry . But no matter how painful and uncomfortable the next moments would be , it was all worth it when she looked in those clear blue eyes she loved so much . " Wants to be with big brother and wants it now . Must be a real Stevens , " Jody panted , mustering up a smile when her mother reached over to pick up their tiny son . Joan 's experienced eyes took in his healthy color and steady breathing and when he opened his mouth to let out a frustrated cry , she smiled . " What was that ? Was that a baby ? " Lucy cried out , jumping up from her chair and looking at the tense faces in the room . Cocking her head she intently listened and everybody seemed to hold their breath until it sounded again . " Well , what did you expect , sis ? They usually take turns . It 's not like they come out at the same time , " Michael chuckled , his green eyes shining with excitement . He let out a happy sigh and for a moment his thoughts went to his father who was home alone , or maybe with Matthew , his older brother and his girlfriend Sheila . It pained him his father and brother were stubbornly refusing to have anything to do with Jody and Sam . But he was grateful for the chance he had been given to be a part of this very special Christmas , which turned out to be a real magical one . He couldn 't wait to see his sister , her partner and their newborn children . " A girl , " Jody repeated in a whisper , looking at the angry little face . The high pitched crying was like music in her ears and with tears in her eyes she looked at Sam , who seemed to be in a trance . Her face was positively glowing while her eyes took in the twins that were both lying on their mother 's belly . " Goodness , Joan , I was packing it in there for a while . I 'm so happy there were no complications ! " Susan Kirby answered , drying her eyes . " Congratulations , Grandma . " " I don 't know , " she laughed . " I forgot to ask . All I know is that they are absolutely adorable . And Jody did a great job . So did Susan , " she added with a grateful look to Yarra 's mother . " We 'll find out soon enough , " Fiona sighed . " I do know there 's nothing wrong with their lungs . My goodness , what a sound ! " " A little tired , " Jody admitted . " But not as bad as I thought I would be . We 've been blessed , Sam . Everything just went so smoothly . " " I 'm grateful for that , " Sam answered , her blue eyes holding a serious expression . " I know having twins can be risky and β¦ " she swallowed hard . " I was afraid there for a while . But you were amazing , baby . And I don 't know how we can ever properly thank Susan . " " Because you are not only beautiful on the outside , but also on the inside . It 's what made me fall for you in the first place and over the years we 've been together , I 've been falling and falling over and over again . Every passing day I love you more . Merry Christmas , my love . " Outside the storm had passed and the rain had stopped falling . A tentative ray of sunlight peeked through the thinning clouds and was reflected in the millions of tiny drops that clung to the trees and bushes . It created a wonderland of light , crystals and diamonds that sparkled and seemed to welcome the two newest additions to the world 's population . " That one will , " Yarra promised . " Whenever it is we will exchange gifts anyway . No , I have something else , but β¦ I . . um β¦ " the dark skinned girl stammered , evidently lost for words . Her eyes were cast down and she missed the look of affection her friend was sending her way . " I chickened out , " Alice confessed , reaching out and fingering the fabric of Yarra 's silk shirt . " I felt like such a coward when I left that little box in your room . But β¦ " her eyes caught a pair of brown ones and a soft smile deepened the radiant blue , making Yarra want to drown in its depths . " I should have known , " she added in a whisper . " I do , " Alice whispered , looking at the box in her hand . " You wanted me to relax and told me that story about how the tortoise lost its tail . I love that story . " " Mikey ? " she asked , using his family pet name . Stepping closer she reached out a hand and touched his shoulder . " Michael , is that really you ? " " Oh , my goodness , Mike , " Sam 's face lit up when in a delighted smile . " Jody will be over the moon when she sees you . Come here ! " " I don 't want to be a spoilsport , " she apologized . " But I 'd like to do this in stages . I know everyone is dying to see Jody and the babies , but I think it 's better not to do it all in once . So , what about family first and the rest later ? " " Great , " Sam smiled , looking towards the veranda . " Fiona , drag Alice back inside , will you ? She and Yarra can continue their smooching session later . " " Thanks , " Jody smiled with pride . Her eyes traveled to the door and she frowned when she noticed no one else had entered yet . " I thought my family was bigger than just the two of you , " she dryly remarked . " No offense . " " Lucy , Trish , hold them for a moment , will you ? " she asked , handing them her babies , so she could look at her brother and hold out her arms to him . Michael didn 't need any further encouragement . With a sob he practically flew towards his sister , falling on his knees next to the bed and carefully wrapping his arms around her body . Burying his face against her shoulder he let go of his tears and she rocked him gently . " Oh , no , sweetie , " Jody reassured him , putting her cheek against the top of his head . " I 'd never do that . You are my baby brother . I never stopped loving you . " " Don 't be , Mike . I am just happy to have you here , " Jody smiled , playfully ruffling his hair . " We have time to talk later . Do you want to meet the new members of the family ? " " Yes , it does , " Fiona added with a grin . " Didn 't you read the Stevens - McDonnell Handbook for in - laws ? One kiss and you are toast . " |
One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town , taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick . Suddenly , my daughter , Aspen , spoke up from her relaxed position in her seat . " Dad , I 'm thinking of something . " This announcement usually meant she had been pondering some fact for a while , and was now ready to expound all that her six - year - old mind had discovered . I was eager to hear . " What are you thinking ? " I asked . " The rain ! " she began , " is like sin , and the windshield wipers are like God wiping our sins away . " After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond . " That 's really good , Aspen . " Then my curiosity broke in . How far would this little girl take this revelation ? So I asked " Do you notice how the rainwater keeps on coming ? What does that tell you ? " Aspen didn 't hesitate one moment with her answer : " We keep on sinning , and God just keeps on forgiving us . " I will always remember this whenever I turn my wipers on . Have you ever pondered upon those small moments of selfless love you 've got from someone special throughout these years of your life ? Monica married Hitesh the other day . At the end of the wedding party , Monica 's mother gave her a newly opened bank saving passbook with Rs . 1000 deposit amount , and gave her a small instruction ' My dear , take this passbook . Keep it as a record of your married life . When there 's something happy and memorable happened in your new life , put some money in . Write down what it 's about next to the line . The more memorable the event is , the more money you can put in . I 've done the first one for you today . Do the others with Hitesh . When you look back after years , you can know how much happiness you 've had . ' Monica shared this with Hitesh when getting home . They both thought it was a great idea and were anxious to know when the second deposit can be made . This was what they did after certain time : - 7 Feb : Rs . 100 , first birthday celebration for Hitesh after marriage - 1 Mar : Rs . 300 , salary raise for Monica - 20 Mar : Rs . 200 , vacation trip to Bali - 15 Apr : Rs . 2000 , Monica got pregnant - 1 Jun : Rs . 1000 , Hitesh got promoted . . . and so on . . However , after years , they started fighting and arguing for trivial things . They didn 't talk much . They regretted that they had married the most nasty people in the world . . . no more love . . . kind of typical nowadays , huh ? One day Monica talked to her Mother : ' Mom , we can 't stand it anymore . We agree to divorce . I can 't imagine how I decided to marry this guy ! ' Mother nodded ' Sure , girl , that 's no big deal . Just do whatever you want if you really can 't stand it . But before that , do one thing first . Remember the saving passbook I gave you on your wedding day ? Take out all money and spend it first . You shouldn 't keep any record of such a poor marriage . ' Monica thought it was true . So she went to the bank , waiting at the queue and planning to cancel the account . While she was waiting , she took a look at the passbook record . She looked , and looked , and looked . Then the memorRead More . . . Habits . They die hard . And therefore its even more important to be watchful of things that we keep doing without giving them much thought . . . this story explains further : When the great library of Alexandria burned , the story goes , one book was saved . But it was not a valuable book ; and so a poor man , who could read a little , bought it for a few coppers . The book wasn 't very interesting , but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed . It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the " Touchstone " ! The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold . The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it . But the secret was this : The real stone would feel warm , while ordinary pebbles are cold . So the man sold his few belongings , bought some simple supplies , camped on the seashore , and began testing pebbles . He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold , he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times . So , when he felt one that was cold , he threw it into the sea . He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone . Yet he went on and on this way . Pick up a pebble . Cold - throw it into the sea . Pick up another . Throw it into the sea . The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months . One day , however , about mid - afternoon , he picked up a pebble and it was warm . And off he threw it into the sea , before the next second shook him telling what disaster he had done just now ! He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along , he still threw it away . Well , so it is with opportunity . Unless we are vigilant , it 's easy to fail to recognize an opportunity when it is in hand and it 's just as easy to throw it away Read More . . . An unemployed worker applies at a large corporation the position of a janitor . The HR chief invites him to an interview and subjects him to some tests . After a while , finally the manager declares to him " Congratulations , you got the job . Now , just give me your e - mail address so that I can send you the employment contract as well as the day and time when to start . " The man is distraught and answers that he has no computer and therefore also no email . " What ? ! " , the manager almost says in dis - belief . He tells him that if he has no email address he virtually does not exist and therefore cannot hold a job ! The man leaves in a desperate mood without knowing what to do with his last $ 10 in his pocket . Finally he decides to go into a supermarket and to buy a $ 10 box of strawberries . He starts out with door to door calls in order to sell those strawberries by the pound . He manages to double his capital in 2 hours . He repeats the deal 3 times more and goes home with $ 60 in his pocket . He realizes that he can actually survive this way ! So he starts every day early and comes home every day late selling strawberries with total faith that his hard work would pay one day . Sure enough , he triples or quadruples his money every day . A short while later he buys a wheel barrow , then exchanges it later into a truck and sooner or later is the owner of a complete fleet of delivery trucks ! Five years go by β¦ and luck and hard work combined to make the man a proud owner of one of the largest food chains in the country . Now he starts thinking about the future for him and his family and decides to buy a life insurance . He calls an agent and selects a good policy . At the end of the negotiations the agents asks him for his e - mail address to send him a confirmation of the policy . The man tells him that he doesn 't have an e - mail address . " That is strange ! " says the agent , " you have no e - mail and nevertheless you built this large empire . Can you imagine where you would be if you you had an e - mail address ? " The man smiles to reply " I would have been Read More . . . A man feared his wife wasn 't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid . Not quite sure how to approach her , he called the family doctor to discuss the problem . The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss . " Here 's what you do , " said the doctor , " stand about 40 feet away from her , and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you . If not , go to 30 feet , then 20 feet , and so on until you get a response . " That evening , the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner , and he was in the den . He says to himself , " I 'm about 40 feet away , let 's see what happens . " Then in a normal tone he asks , ' Honey , what 's for dinner ? " No response . So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen , about 30 feet from his wife and repeats , " Honey , what 's for dinner ? " Still no response . Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks , Honey , what 's for dinner ? " Again he gets no response so , He walks up to the kitchen door , about 10 feet away . " Honey , what 's for dinner ? " Again there is no response . So he walks right up behind her . " Honey , what 's for dinner ? " " James , for the FIFTH time I 've said , CHICKEN ! " Moral of the story : The problem may not be with the other one as we always think , it could be very much within us ! Does God still speak to its people ? Well , its a matter of faith - either you have it , or you don 't . But this story presents this subject so beautifully . . . A young man bought a religious book . The book shared message about listening to God and obeying His voice . The young man couldn 't help but wonder , " Does God still speak to His people ? " After that , he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message . Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways . It was about ten o ' clock when the young man started driving home . Sitting in his car , he just began to pray , " God . . If you still speak to people , speak to me . I will listen . I will do my best to obey . " As he drove down the main street of his town , he had the strangest thought , stop and buy a gallon of milk . He shook his head and said out loud , " God is that you ? " He didn 't get a reply and started on toward home . But again , the thought , buy a gallon of milk . The young man thought about a man and who didn 't recognize the voice of God , and missed a good opportunity . " Okay , God , in case that is you , I will buy the milk . " It didn 't seem like too hard a test of obedience . He could always use the milk . He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home . As he passed Seventh Street , he again felt the urge , " Turn down that street . " This is crazy he thought and drove on pass the intersection . Again , he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street . At the next intersection , he turned back and headed down Seventh . Half jokingly , he said out loud , " Okay , God , remember I . . . . He drove several blocks , when suddenly , he felt like he should stop . He pulled over to the curb and looked around . He was in a semi - commercial area of town . It wasn 't the best but it wasn 't the worst of neighborhoods either . The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed . Again , he sensed something , " Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street . " The young man looked at the house . ItRead More . . . Good news or bad news ? Well , it depends on how you see things . Hear this story : Robert De Vincenzo , the great Argentine golfer , once won a tournament and , after receiving the check and smiling for the cameras , he went to the clubhouse and prepared to leave . Some time later , he walked alone to his car in the parking lot and was approached by a young woman . She congratulated him on his victory and then told him that her child was seriously ill and near death . She did not know how she could pay the doctor 's bills and hospital expenses . De Vincenzo was touched by her story , and he took out a pen and endorsed his winning cheque for payment to the woman . " Make some good days for the baby , " he said as he pressed the check into her hand . The next week he was having lunch in a country club when a Professional Golf Association official came to his table . " Some of the boys in the parking lot last week told me you met a young woman there after you won that tournament . " De Vincenzo nodded . " Well , " said the official , " I have news for you . She 's a phony . She has no sick baby . She 's not even married . She fleeced you , my friend . " " You mean there is no baby who is dying ? " said De Vincenzo . " That 's right , " said the official . " That 's the best good news I 've heard all week . ! " De Vincenzo said . You can complain because roses have thorns , or you can rejoice because thorns have roses . When you consistently maintain a positive frame of mind , you 'll become known as a problem - solver rather than a complainer . People avoid complainers . They seek out problem - solvers . You can give in to the failure messages and be a bitter deadbeat of excuses . Or you can choose to be happy and positive and excited about life . The difference between can and cannot are only three letters . Three letters that determine your life 's direction . A young couple moved into a new neighborhood . The next morning , while they were eating breakfast , the young woman saw her neighbor hang the wash outside . " That laundry is not very clean " , she said , " she doesn 't know how to wash correctly . Perhaps she needs better laundry soap " . Her husband looked on , but remained silent . Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry , the young woman would make the same comments . About one month later , the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband , " Look ! She has learned how to wash correctly . I wonder who taught her this ! " The husband gave a polite answer " I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows . " And so it is with life . What we see when watching others , depends on the purity of the window through which we look . Before we give any criticism , it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge . Successful people help others who are slow in learning so that they are not felt far behind . It was a sports stadium . Eight Children were standing on the track to participate in the running event . * Ready ! * Steady ! * Bang ! With the sound of Toy pistol , all eight girls started running . Hardly have they covered ten to fifteen steps , one of the smaller girls slipped and fell down , due to bruises and pain she started crying . When other seven girls heard this sound , stopped running , stood for a while and turned back , they all ran back to the place where the girl fell down . One among them bent , picked and kissed the girl gently and enquired ' Now pain must have reduced ' . All seven girls lifted the fallen girl , pacified her , two of them held the girl firmly and they all seven joined hands together and walked together and reached the winning post . Officials were shocked . Clapping of thousands of spectators filled the stadium . Many eyes were filled with tears ! Yes this is a true story . This happened in Hyderabad , India at a sport event conducted by National Institute of Mental Health . All these special girls had come to participate in this event and they are spastic children . Yes , they were mentally retarded , but only in the eyes of world . And do you know what they taught to this very same world ? Teamwork ? Humanity ? Equality ? I guess , all of it . This is a story of identical twins . One was a hope - filled optimist . " Everything is coming up roses ! " , as he used to say often . The other was a said and hopeless pessimist . He thought that Murphy , as in Murphy 's Law , was an optimist . The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist . He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins ' personalities . " On their next birthday , put them in separate rooms to open their gifts . Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford , and give the optimist a box of manure " . The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the results . When they peeked in on the pessimist , they heard him audibly complaining , " I don 't like the color of this computer β¦ I 'll bet this calculator will break β¦ I don 't like this game β¦ I know someone who 's got a bigger toy car than this β¦ " Tiptoeing across the corridor , the parents peeked in and saw their little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air . He was giggling . " You can 't fool me ! Where there 's this much manure , there 's gotta be a pony ! " Alright , life isn 't fair to us always . It isn 't a bed of roses . So what , we still have a choice to let it affect our attitude . . . or not at all ! What makes you the richest man in town ? What makes people follow the path you take ? You need power , money , education , or fame to do that , right ? Well , lets see : The richest man in town Here 's another wonderful read that narrates the importance of having right priroties in life . . There was a rich merchant who had 4 wives . He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to delicacies . He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best . He also loved the 3rd wife very much . He 's very proud of her and always wanted to show off her to his friends . However , the merchant is always in great fear that she might run away with some other men . He too , loved his 2nd wife . She is a very considerate person , always patient and in fact is the merchant 's confidante . Whenever the merchant faced some problems , he always turned to his 2nd wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times . Now , the merchant 's 1st wife is a very loyal partner and has made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household . However , the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply , he hardly took notice of her . One day , the merchant fell ill . Before long , he knew that he was going to die soon . He thought of his luxurious life and told himself , " Now I have 4 wives with me . But when I die , I 'll be alone . How lonely I 'll be ! " Thus , he asked the 4th wife , " I loved you most , endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you . Now that I 'm dying , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " No way ! " replied the 4th wife and she walked away without another word . The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant 's heart . The sad merchant then asked the 3rd wife , " I have loved you so much for all my life . Now that I 'm dying , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " No ! " replied the 3rd wife . " Life is so good over here ! I 'm going to remarry when you die ! " The merchant 's heart sank and turned cold . He then asked the 2nd wife , " I always turned to you for help and you 've always helped me out . Now I need your help again . When I die , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " I 'm sorry , I can 't hRead More . . . Are you really running after things in life that you should not be ? Wait a minute , read this story first , and decide for yourself . A great king , after conquering many kingdoms , was returning home . Full of wealth and power , he basked in the pride of being greatest ruler on this planet now . But fate took a turn that moment . On the way , he fell ill , so much that despite best of medical treatment available at his command , his illness took him to his death bed . With death staring him in his face , he realized how his conquests , his great army , his sharp sword and all his wealth were of no consequence . He now longed to reach home to see his mother 's face and bid her his last adieu . But , he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not permit him to reach his distant homeland . So , the mighty conqueror lay prostrate and pale , helplessly waiting to breathe his last . He called his generals and said , " I will depart from this world soon , I have three wishes , please carry them out without fail . " With tears flowing down their cheeks , the generals agreed to abide by their king 's last wishes . " My first desire is that , " said the Emperor , " My physicians alone must carry my coffin . " After a pause , he continued , " Secondly , I desire that when my coffin is being carried to the grave , the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with gold , silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury . " The king felt exhausted after saying this . He took a minute 's rest and continued . " My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling out of my coffin . " The people who had gathered there wondered at the king 's strange wishes . But no one dare bring the question to their lips . The king 's favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart . " O king , we assure you that your wishes will all be fulfilled . But tell us why do you make such strange wishes ? " At this moment , the wise King took a deep breath and said : " I would like the world to know of the three lessons I have just learnt . I want my physicians to carry my coRead More . . . Life touches us in so many ways . If only we pay attention to its steps , like in this touching story . . . The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read beneath the long , straggly branches of an old willow tree . Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown , for the world was intent on dragging me down . And if that weren 't enough to ruin my day , A young boy out of breath approached me , all tired from play . He stood right before me with his head tilted down and said with great excitement , " Look what I found ! " In his hand was a flower , and what a pitiful sight , with it 's petals all worn , not enough rain , or to little light . Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play , I faked a small smile and then shifted away . But instead of retreating he sat next to my side and placed the flower to his nose and declared with overacted surprise , " It sure smells pretty and it 's beautiful , too . That 's why I picked it ; here it 's for you . " The weed before me was dying or dead . Not vibrant of colors , orange , yellow or red . But I knew I must take it , or he might never leave . So I reached for the flower , and replied , " Just what I need . " But instead of him placing the flower in my hand , he held it mid - air without reason or plan . It was then that I noticed for the very first time that weed - toting boy could not see : he was blind . I heard my voice quiver , tears shone like the sun as I thanked him for picking the very best one . You 're welcome , he smiled , and then ran off to play , unaware of the impact he 'd had on my day . I sat there and wondered how he managed to see a self - pitying woman beneath an old willow tree . How did he know of my self - indulged plight ? Perhaps from his heart , he 'd been blessed with true sight . Through the eyes of a blind child , at last I could see the problem was not with the world ; the problem was me . And for all of those times I myself had been blind , I vowed to see the beauty in life , and appreciate every second that 's mine . And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose and breathed in the fragrance of a beRead More . . . On March 22 , 2008 , former President of India Dr . APJ Abdul Kalam was asked this question at Wharton India Economic forum in Philadelphia : Could you give an example , from your own experience , of how leaders should manage failure ? And what Dr . Kalam said is worth reading again and again . He started by saying . . " Let me tell you about my experience . In 1973 I became the project director of India 's satellite launch vehicle program , commonly called the SLV - 3 . Our goal was to put India 's " Rohini " satellite into orbit by 1980 . I was given funds and human resources - - but was told clearly that by 1980 we had to launch the satellite into space . Thousands of people worked together in scientific and technical teams towards that goal . By 1979 - - I think the month was August - - we thought we were ready . As the project director , I went to the control center for the launch . At four minutes before the satellite launch , the computer began to go through the checklist of items that needed to be checked . One minute later , the computer program put the launch on hold ; the display showed that some control components were not in order . My experts - - I had four or five of them with me - - told me not to worry ; they had done their calculations and there was enough reserve fuel . So I bypassed the computer , switched to manual mode , and launched the rocket . In the first stage , everything worked fine . In the second stage , a problem developed . Instead of the satellite going into orbit , the whole rocket system plunged into the Bay of Bengal . It was a big failure . That day , the chairman of the Indian Space Research Organization , Prof . Satish Dhawan , had called a press conference . The launch was at 7 : 00 am , and the press conference - - where journalists from around the world were present - - was at 7 : 45 am at ISRO 's satellite launch range in Sriharikota [ in Andhra Pradesh in southern India ] . Prof . Dhawan , the leader of the organization , conducted the press conference himself . He took responsibility for the failure - - he said that the team had worked very hRead More . . . Her husband was her rock , her manager , her behind - the - scenes support system . Then came a stunning role reversal , and the singer discovered a voice ( and an identity ) she didn 't know existed . I am the youngest of 14 children in a close - knit family , so I had lots of people watching out for me and giving me loving support from a very early age . A brother or sister was always there to take me to school or help me with my homework . My mom wrote all my first songs , and when it became clear that singing was my dream , she arranged for me to meet with one of the best - known music producers in Canada , RenΓ© AngΓ©lil . He agreed to become my manager , and my career was born . From there , things took off so quickly that I didn 't have time to stop and think about everything that was happening to me , but I never had to ; RenΓ© made all the decisions for me . He arranged the meetings and placed the phone calls . He picked my songs and planned when and where I would go on tour . I had to focus only on my passion : my singing . Even after we became husband and wife years later , we were happy to maintain that balance . All that changed on March 30 , 1999 , my 31st birthday and the day that RenΓ© was diagnosed with skin cancer . After nearly five years of marriage and 20 years of working together , my husband , who had always been the one to take care of me , suddenly needed me to take care of him . For the first time in my life , I was in charge . I was no longer merely the performer ; I became the manager of both our lives . I placed the phone calls and made the decisions . I coaxed him through the debilitating side effects of radiation and chemotherapy . I cared for him when he couldn 't keep his food down or was too weak to get out of bed . I had to be his support and strength . I made sure we were going to embrace life . Cancer was an incredible challenge for RenΓ© to go through , and it allowed me to discover strengths that I had never before put into practice . I used to keep everything inside ; today I speak up for myself . I pick my own songs . I 'll tell a techSummary only . . . She had been shopping with her Mom in that store . She must have been 6 years old , this beautiful red haired , freckle faced image of innocence . It was pouring outside . The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters , so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout . We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the departmental store . We waited , some patiently , others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day . I am always mesmerized by rainfall . I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world . Memories were a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day . Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in , " Mom , let 's run through the rain , " she said . " What ? " Mom asked . " Let 's run through the rain ! " She repeated . " No , honey . We 'll wait until it slows down a bit , " Mom replied . This young child waited about another minute and repeated : " Mom , let 's run through the rain . " " We 'll get soaked if we do , " Mom said . " No , we won 't , Mom . That 's not what you said this morning , " the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom 's arm . " This morning ? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet ? " " Don 't you remember ? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer , you said , ' If God can get us through this , he can get us through anything ! " The entire crowd stopped dead silent . I swear you couldn 't hear anything but the rain . We all stood silently . No one came or left in the next few minutes . Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say . Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly . Some might even ignore what was said . But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child 's life . A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith . " Honey , you are absolutely right . Let 's run through the rain . If God let 's us get wet , well maybe we just needed washing , " Mom said . Then off they ran . We all stood watching , smiling and laughing as they darted past thRead More . . . A woman bought a parrot to keep her company . She returned to the pet store the next day with a complaint : " This bird you sold me won 't talk . " The pet store manager said , " Does he have a mirror in his cage ? Parrots love mirrors . They see their reflection and they start up a conversation . " So she bought a mirror and went home . A couple of days later she was back . The bird still wasn 't talking . " How about a ladder ? " the manager asked . " A ladder will make your parrot happy , and a happy parrot is more likely to talk . " She bought the ladder and left . Two days later she returned . The bird still hadn 't said anything . The store manager thought for a minute and said , " How about a swing ? All parrots need a swing . A swing will loosen him up , and he 'll be talking in no time . " The woman reluctantly bought the swing and left . She was back the next day , looking forlorn . " My parrot died , " she said . " That 's terrible , " the manager said . " Did he ever say a word ? " " Yes , " the woman said , " Right before he died he said , ' Don 't they sell any food at that pet store ? " Hope you 're not doing the same with your loved ones . Whether at work , or at home , the food to survive is affection , genuine care , and lots of praise for good deeds . Don 't let them stay deprived of it . Ever . A man found a cocoon of a butterfly . One day a small opening appeared . He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole . Then it seemed to stop making any progress . It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could , and it could go no further . So the man decided to help the butterfly . He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon . The butterfly then emerged easily . But it had a swollen body and small , shriveled wings . The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that , at any moment , the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body , which would contract in time . Neither happened ! In fact , the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings . It never was able to fly . What the man , and perhaps many of us , in our kindness or haste , do not understand is that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God 's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieves freedom from the cocoon . Things take their own time , hurrying never helps . And when struggle challenges you , don 't panic . Just remember God 's wish behind the struggle of butterfly . Once upon a time in the country of Japan there lived two frogs . One of whom made his home in a ditch near the town of Osaka , on the sea coast , while the other lived in a clear little stream which ran through the city of Kyoto . At such a great distance apart , they had never even heard of each other ; but , funnily enough , the idea came into both their heads at once that they should like to see a little of the world , and the frog who lived at Kyoto wanted to visit Osaka , and the frog who lived at Osaka wished to go to Kyoto . This was just by coincidence . So one fine morning in the spring they both set out along the road that led from Kyoto to Osaka , one from one end and the other from the other . The journey was more tiring than they expected , for they did not know much about traveling , and halfway between the two towns there arose a mountain which had to be climbed . It took them a long time and a great many hops to reach the top , but there they were at last , and what was the surprise of each to see another frog before him ! They looked at each other for a moment without speaking , and then fell into conversation , explaining the cause of their meeting so far from their homes . It was delightful to find that they both felt the same wish - - to learn a little more of their native country - - and as there was no sort of hurry they stretched themselves out in a cool , damp place , and agreed that they would have a good rest before they parted to go their ways . " What a pity we are not bigger , " said the Osaka frog ; " for then we could see both towns from here , and tell if it is worth our while going on . " " Oh , that is easily managed , " returned the Kyoto frog . " We have only got to stand up on our hind legs , and hold onto each other , and then we can each look at the town he is traveling to . " Osaka frog loved this idea so much that he at once jumped up and put his front paws on the shoulder of his friend , who had risen also . There they both stood , stretching themselves as high as they could , and holding each other tightly , so that they might not Read More . . . One morning I watched nearly for an hour a tiny ant carry a huge feather cross my back terrace . Several times it was confronted by obstacles in its path and after a momentary pause it would make the necessary detour . At one point the ant had to negotiate a crack in the concrete about 10mm wide ! After brief contemplation the ant laid the feather over the crack , walked across it and picked up the feather on the other side then continued on its way . I was fascinated by the ingenuity of this ant - it served to reinforce the miracle of creation . Here was a minute insect , lacking in size yet equipped with a brain to reason , explore , discover and overcome . But this ant , like the two - legged co - residents of this planet , also share human failings . After some time the ant finally reached its destination - a flower bed at the end of the terrace and a small hole that was the entrance to its underground home . And it was here that the ant finally met its match . How could that large feather possibly fit down small holeOf course it couldn 't . so the ant , after all this trouble and exercising great ingenuity , overcoming problems all along the way , just abandoned the feather and went home . The ant had not thought the problem through before it began its epic journey and in the end the feather was nothing more than a burden . Isn 't life like that ? ! We worry about our family , we worry about money or the lack of it , we worry about work , about where we live , about all sorts of things . These are all burdens - the things we pick up along life 's path and lug them around the obstacles and over the crevasses that life will bring , only to find that at the destination they are useless and we can 't take them with us ! A teacher teaching Maths to seven - year - old Arnav asked him . " If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple , how many apples will you have ? " Within a few seconds Arnav replied confidently , " Four ! " The dismayed teacher was expecting an effortless correct answer ( three ) . She was disappointed . Maybe the child did not listen properly , she thought . She repeated , Arnav , listen carefully . " If I give you one apple and one apple and one apple , how many apples will you have ? " Arnav had seen the disappointment on his teacher 's face . He calculated again on his fingers . But within him he was also searching for the answer that will make the teacher happy . His search for the answer was not for the correct one , but the one that will make his teacher happy . This time hesitatingly he replied , " Four Β¦ " The disappointment stayed on the teacher 's face . She remembered that Arnav liked strawberries . She thought maybe he doesn 't like apples and that is making him loose focus . This time with an exaggerated excitement and twinkling in her eyes she asked , " If I give you one strawberry and one strawberry and one strawberry , then how many you will have ? " Seeing the teacher happy , young Arnav calculated on his fingers again . There was no pressure on him , but a little on the teacher . She wanted her new approach to succeed . With a hesitating smile young Arnav enquired , " Three ? " The teacher now had a victorious smile . Her approach had succeeded . She wanted to congratulate herself . But one last thing remained . Once again she asked him , " Now if I give you one apple and one apple and one more apple how many will you have ? " Promptly Arnav answered , " Four ! " The teacher was aghast . " How Arnav , how ? " , she demanded in a little stern and irritated voice . In a voice that was low and hesitating young Arnav replied , " Because I already have one apple in my bag . " When someone gives you an answer that is different from what you expect don 't think they are wrong . There maybe an angle that you have not understood at all . YouRead More . . . Different people have different perception . One man 's meat could be another man 's poison . A couple bought a donkey from the market . On the way home , a boy commented , " Very stupid . Why neither of them rides on the donkey ? " Upon hearing that , the husband let the wife ride on the donkey . He walked besides them . Later , an old man saw it and commented , " The husband is the head of family . How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot ? " Hearing this , the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey . Further on the way home , they met an old Lady . She commented , " How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk . He is no gentleman . " The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey . Then , they met a young man . He commented , " Poor donkey , how can you hold up the weight of two persons . They are cruel to you . " Hearing that , the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders . It seems to be the only choice left . Later , on a narrow bridge , the donkey was frightened and struggled . They lost their balance . . . and fell into the river . You can never have everyone praise you , or condemn you , all the time . Thus , do not be too bothered by words of others if your own conscience is clear . Read More . . . Once upon a time , a village witnessed one of the severest droughts ever . The crop failed and the villagers did not get anything in return from the landlord . Most of the villagers fled to the cities . One of the villagers was particularly in a very bad state . His wife was suffering from malaria and in the absence of food or money he was desperate . He was desperate about ways to get some money to take his wife and his children to the town to get some work . He then saw his cow wandering nearby munching the dried up patches of grass and bushes . He suddenly had a thought to sell his cow . " Surely someone would like to buy her " , he thought . The next day , early morning he started for the market . There , he stood under a tree and explained his plight to anyone who came and requested them to buy his cow . Nobody seemed to be the least interested . With sweat drenched dirty clothes and in the poor state of health he was in , he was looking a picture of the misery . As evening was approaching , he was losing all hope he had started with . Out of nowhere , a merchant passed him . He looked at the peasant and with a sudden drive of compassion decided to help him sell the cow . He asked a few questions and then , in a loud voice full of enthusiasm , he announced to the passers by , " Ladies and gentlemen , never let go an opportunity like this . This cow here , gives 2 bucketfuls of milk everyday , morning and evening . Do not be mistaken by her health . It is just because she has recently given birth to a young calf . This animal is of such an exceptional breed that last year she had won a prize during the agricultural exhibition of the neighboring village . My friend here , has come to an urgent situation and is willing to part with her for a price that seems to me ridiculous for such a prize animal . Who amongst you realize that an opportunity like this does not come everyday ? " Meanwhile , a small crowd gathered around them all willing to buy the animal . They all wanted to know the price . The merchant asked the peasant , " Well my friend , what is the price yRead More . . . Interesting read , is all I would say . . . In a small town , a person decided to open up his bar business , which was right opposite to the temple . The temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business . Work progressed . However , when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later , a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground . The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that , till the bar owner sued the temple authorities on the grounds that the temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop , either through direct or indirect actions or means . In its reply to the court , the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop 's demise . As the case made its way into court , the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented : " I don 't know how I 'm going to decide this case , but it appears from the paperwork , we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn 't ! ! " Not understanding the client requirements can be disastrous ! See how : In the days when you couldn 't count on a public toilet facility , an English woman was planning a trip to India . . . She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster . She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC . In England , a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for " Water Closet " . She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC . The school master , not fluent in English , asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC . Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a " Wayside Chapel " near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds . So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply : Dear Madam , I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house . It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees , surrounded by lovely grounds . It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays . As there are many people expected in the summer months , I suggest you arrive early . There is , however , plenty of standing room . This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly . It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband . It was a wonderful event . There were 10 people in every seat . It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces . We can take photos in different angle . My wife , sadly , has been ill and unable to go recently . It has been almost a year since she went last , which pains her greatly . You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it . Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time . I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment . The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere . The newest addition is a bell which rinRead More . . . Some 14 years ago , I stood watching my university students fill into the classroom for our opening session in the theology of faith . That was the day I first saw Tommy . He was combing his hair , which hung six inches below his shoulders . My quick judgment wrote him off as strange - very strange . Tommy turned out to be my biggest challenge . He constantly objected to , or smirked at the possibility of an unconditionally loving God . When he turned in his final exam at the end of the course , he asked in a slightly cynical tone , " Do you think I 'll ever find God ? " " No , " I said emphatically . " Oh , " he responded . " I thought that was the product you were pushing . " I let him get five steps from the door and then called out . " I don 't think you 'll ever find him , but I am certain he will find you . " Tommy shrugged and left . I felt slightly disappointed that he had missed my clever line . Later I heard that Tommy had graduated , and I was grateful for that . Then came a sad report : Tommy had terminal cancer . Before I could search him out , he came to me . When he walked into my office , his body was badly wasted , and his long hair had fallen out because of the chemotherapy . But , his eyes were bright and his voice , for the first time , was firm . " Tommy ! I 've thought about you so often . I heard you were very sick , " I blurted out . " Oh , yes , very sick . I have cancer . It 's a matter of weeks . " " Can you talk about it ? " " Sure . What would you like to know ? " " What 's it like to be only 24 and know that you 're dying ? " " It could be worse , " he told me , " like being 50 and thinking that drinking booze , seducing women and making money are the real ' biggies ' in life . " Then , he told me why he had come . " It was something you said to me on the last day of class . I asked if you thought I would ever find God and you said no , which surprised me . Then you said , ' But , he will find you . ' I thought about that a lot , even though my search for God was hardly intense at that time . " " But , when the doctors removed a lump from my body and told me that it was malignant , I got serious Read More . . . There was an old man in a village , very poor , but even kings were jealous of him because he had a beautiful white horse . Kings offered fabulous prices for the horse , but the man would say , " This horse is not a horse to me , he is a person . And how can you sell a person , a friend ? " The man was poor , but he never sold the horse . One morning , he found that the horse was not in the stable . The whole village gathered and they said , " You foolish old man ! We knew that someday the horse would be stolen . It would have been better to sell it . What a misfortune ! " The old man said , " Don 't go so far as to say that . Simply say that the horse is not in the stable . This is the fact ; everything else is a judgment . Whether it is a misfortune or a blessing I don 't know , because this is just a fragment . Who knows what is going to follow it ? " People laughed at the old man . They had always known that he was a little crazy . But after fifteen days , suddenly one night the horse returned . He had not been stolen , he had escaped into the wild . And not only that , he brought a dozen wild horses with him . Again the people gathered and they said , " Old man , you were right . This was not a misfortune , it has indeed proved to be a blessing . " The old man said , " Again you are going too far . Just say that the horse is back . . . Who knows whether it is a blessing or not ? It is only a fragment . You read a single word in a sentence . How can you judge the whole book ? " This time the people could not say much , but inside they knew that he was wrong . Twelve beautiful horses had come . The old man had an only son who started to train the wild horses . Just a week later he fell from a horse and his legs were broken . The people gathered again and again they judged . They said , " Again you proved right ! It was a misfortune . Your only son has lost the use of his legs , and in your old age he was your only support . Now you are poorer than ever . " The old man said , " You are obsessed with judgment . Don 't go that far . Say only that my son has broken his legs . Nobody knows whetherRead More . . . John Blanchard stood up from the bench , straightened his Army uniform , and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station . He looked for the girl whose heart he knew , but whose face he didn 't , the girl with the rose . His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library . Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued , not with the words of the book , but with the notes penciled in the margin . The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind . In the front of the book , he discovered the previous owner 's name , Miss Hollis Maynell . With time and effort he located her address . She lived in New York City . He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond . The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II . During the next year and one - month the two grew to know each other through the mail . Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart . A Romance was budding . Blanchard requested a photograph , but she refused . She felt that if he really cared , it wouldn 't matter what she looked like . When the day finally came for him to return from Europe , they scheduled their first meeting - 7 : 00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York . " You 'll recognize me , " she wrote , " by the red rose I 'll be wearing on my lapel . " So at 7 : 00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved , but whose face he 'd never seen . I 'll let Mr . Blanchard tell you what happened : A young woman was coming toward me , her figure long and slim . Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears ; her eyes were blue as flowers . Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness , and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive . I started toward her , entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose . As I moved , a small , provocative smile curved her lips . " Going my way , sailor ? " she murmured . Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her , and then I saw Hollis Maynell . She was standing almost directly behind the girl . A womanRead More . . . Does management know their staff as much as they should ? Well , not in this story at least ! On walking into the company , the CEO noticed a young guy leaning against the wall , doing nothing . He approached the young man and calmly said to him , " How much do you earn ? " The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question , he replied , none the less , " I earn Dhs . 2000 . 00 a month , Sir . Why ? " Without answering , the CEO took out his wallet and removed Dhs . 6000 . 00 cash and gave it to the young man and said , " Around here I pay people for working , not for standing around looking pretty ! Here is 3 months ' salary , now GET OUT and don 't come back " . The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight . Noticing a few onlookers , the CEO said in a very upset manner , " And that applies for everybody in this company " . He approached one of the onlookers and asked him , " Who 's the young man that I just fired ? " To which an amazing reply came of , " He was the pizza delivery man , Sir ! " A woman has a near death experience in the hospital . She sees God and asks , " Is it time for me to die ? " " Not at all , " God replies , " you have 38 years , 2 months and 26 days to live . " Elated by the good news , she regains strength and has a variety of extra procedures done before she leaves the hospital . She has a facelift , a tummy tuck and liposuction , and has the hospital hair dresser dye her hair bright red for good measure . Feeling fit for her next 38 years , she checks out of the hospital and is promptly run over by an ambulance and killed . A short while later she sees God and cries , " What happened ! ? You said I had 38 years more to live . Why did you let that ambulance run me over ? " " Oh , sorry . " replied God . " I didn 't recognize you ! " Life offers each of us a pathway to learning , growth and giving . Don 't waste your time trying to be someone you 're not . Acknowledge what you love , enjoy what turns you on , and pursue whatever brings out the very best in you . Discover , and then be who you are . There were two brothers in a small village in the Eastern Cape . The twin brothers grew up knowing nothing else but poverty . Their father was an alcoholic and their mother a domestic worker . They grew up with very little . Bad luck crushed their hopes even further . On their way home one day , their parents died instantly in a bus accident . No wonder the brothers ' condition became even worse . At age 17 they separated . Years and years later a family member decided to find them for a family reunion . One of the brothers was a wealthy engineer owning a construction company . He had a wife and three beautiful kids . However , the other was an alcoholic with no sense of direction for his life . The family member asked the engineer , " How did your life turn out like this ? " " My father was an alcoholic . My parents died when I was small . I had no option but to come out of this desperate situation I was in . What did you expect with a childhood like mine ? " he answered . She moved on to the other brother with the same question . " My father was an alcoholic . My parents died when I was small . This is how life treated me . What did you expect with a childhood like mine ? " was his answer . People are not disturbed by the things that happen , but by their perception of the things that happen . In a temple , when the priest had gone for lunch , the idol of the Lord and the stepping stone started conversing . Stepping Stone : " What a good fate you have . We both were the same lump of rock for millions of years . The sculptor carved an idol out of you and every one is worshipping you . And look at me , I am a stepping stone and every one stands on me and stamps on . What kind of life is this ? " The Idol kept smiling and never bothered to answer this , now , routine murmur from the stepping stone . But the stepping stone will never stop his constant bickering . The Idol finally replied : " But do you remember that when the sculptor set out to carve an idol , it was you he chose , first . You were so impatient . In one strike , you broke in to two . But when he tried on me , I grinned and bore all the hammers and chisel strikes with patience . Here I am the worshipful and happy idol and you are the Stepping Stone . " The difference between success and failure is patience and persistence . After Sept . 11th , one company invited the remaining members of other companies who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin Towers to share their available office space . At a morning meeting , the head of security told stories of why these people were alive , and , would you believe , all the stories were about small ' little ' things . Such as : The head of the company survived that day because his son started kindergarten . Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts ! One woman was late because her alarm clock didn 't go off in time ! One of them missed his bus ! One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change ! One 's car wouldn 't start . One went back to answer the telephone . One had a child that dawdled and didn 't get ready as soon as he should have . One couldn 't get a taxi . The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning , took the various means to get to work but before he got there , he developed a blister on his foot . He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band - Aid - - and that is why he is alive today ! Now when you are stuck in traffic , miss an elevator , turn back to answer a ringing telephone . . . all the little things that annoy you , just say to yourself : Maybe , this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment . So next time your morning seems to be going wrong , the children are slow getting dressed , you can 't seem to find the car keys , you hit every traffic light , don 't get mad or frustrated . Just say to yourself : Maybe , just maybe , this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment . Koi is a species of Japanese fish . The fascinating thing about the Koi is that if you keep it in a small fish bowl , it will grow to be only about two to three inches long . Place the Koi in a larger tank or small pond and it will reach six to ten inches . Put it in a large pond , and it may get as long as a foot and a half . However , if you put it in a huge lake where it can really stretch out , it has the potential to reach sizes up to three feet . People , like the Koi , will grow to the dimensions of their boundaries . Fortunately , unlike Koi , we have the advantage of helping our people select their boundaries . And it is the leader 's job to set the kind of boundaries that allow people to reach their full potential . |
18 September . - I drove at once to Hillingham and arrived early . Keeping my cab at the gate , I went up the avenue alone . I knocked gently and rang as quietly as possible , for I feared to disturb Lucy or her mother , and hoped to only bring a servant to the door . After a while , finding no response , I knocked and rang again ; still no answer . I cursed the laziness of the servants that they should lie abed at such an hour - for it was now ten o ' clock - and so rang and knocked again , but more impatiently , but still without response . Hitherto I had blamed only the servants , but now a terrible fear began to assail me . Was this desolation but another link in the chain of doom which seemed drawing tight around us ? Was it indeed a house of death to which I had come , too late ? I knew that minutes , even seconds of delay , might mean hours of danger to Lucy , if she had had again one of those frightful relapses ; and I went round the house to try if I could find by chance an entry anywhere . I could find no means of ingress . Every window and door was fastened and locked , and I returned baffled to the porch . As I did so , I heard the rapid pit - pat of a swiftly driven horse 's feet . They stopped at the gate , and a few seconds later I met Van Helsing running up the avenue . When he saw me , he gasped out : - " Then I fear we are too late . God 's will be done ! " With his usual recuperative energy , he went on : " Come . If there be no way open to get in , we must make one . Time is all in all to us now . " We went round to the back of the house , where there was a kitchen window . The Professor took a small surgical saw from his case , and handing it to me , pointed to the iron bars which guarded the window . I attacked them at once and had very soon cut through three of them . Then with a long , thin knife we pushed back the fastening of the sashes and opened the window . I helped the Professor in , and followed him . There was no one in the kitchen or in the servants ' rooms , which were close at hand . We tried all the rooms as we went along , and in the dining - room , dimly lit by rays of light through the shutters , found four servant - women lying on the floor . There was no need to think them dead , for their stertorous breathing and the acrid smell of laudanum in the room left no doubt as to their condition . Van Helsing and I looked at each other , and as we moved away he said : " We can attend to them later . " Then we ascended to Lucy 's room . For an instant or two we paused at the door to listen , but there was no sound that we could hear . With white faces and trembling hands , we opened the door gently , and entered the room . How shall I describe what we saw ? On the bed lay two women , Lucy and her mother . The latter lay farthest in , and she was covered with a white sheet , the edge of which had been blown back by the draught through the broken window , showing the drawn , white face , with a look of terror fixed upon it . By her side lay Lucy , with face white and still more drawn . The flowers which had been round her neck we found upon her mother 's bosom , and her throat was bare , showing the two little wounds which we had noticed before , but looking horribly white and mangled . Without a word the Professor bent over the bed , his head almost touching poor Lucy 's breast ; then he gave a quick turn of his head , as of one who listens , and leaping to his feet , he cried out to me : - I flew downstairs and returned with it , taking care to smell and taste it , lest it , too , were drugged like the decanter of sherry which I found on the table . The maids were still breathing , but more restlessly , and I fancied that the narcotic was wearing off . I did not stay to make sure , but returned to Van Helsing . He rubbed the brandy , as on another occasion , on her lips and gums and on her wrists and the palms of her hands . He said to me : - " I can do this , all that can be at the present . You go wake those maids . Flick them in the face with a wet towel , and flick them hard . Make them get heat and fire and a warm bath . This poor soul is nearly as cold as that beside her . She will need be heated before we can do anything more . " I went at once , and found little difficulty in waking three of the women . The fourth was only a young girl , and the drug had evidently affected her more strongly , so I lifted her on the sofa and let her sleep . The others were dazed at first , but as remembrance came back to them they cried and sobbed in a hysterical manner . I was stern with them , however , and would not let them talk . I told them that one life was bad enough to lose , and that if they delayed they would sacrifice Miss Lucy . So , sobbing and crying , they went about their way , half clad as they were , and prepared fire and water . Fortunately , the kitchen and boiler fires were still alive , and there was no lack of hot water . We got a bath and carried Lucy out as she was and placed her in it . Whilst we were busy chafing her limbs there was a knock at the hall door . One of the maids ran off , hurried on some more clothes , and opened it . Then she returned and whispered to us that there was a gentleman who had come with a message from Mr . Holmwood . I bade her simply tell him that he must wait , for we could see no one now . She went away with the message , and , engrossed with our work , I clean forgot all about him . I never saw in all my experience the Professor work in such deadly earnest . I knew - as he knew - that it was a stand - up fight with death , and in a pause told him so . He answered me in a way that I did not understand , but with the sternest look that his face could wear : - Presently we both began to be conscious that the heat was beginning to be of some effect . Lucy 's heart beat a trifle more audibly to the stethoscope , and her lungs had a perceptible movement . Van Helsing 's face almost beamed , and as we lifted her from the bath and rolled her in a hot sheet to dry her he said to me : - We took Lucy into another room , which had by now been prepared , and laid her in bed and forced a few drops of brandy down her throat . I noticed that Van Helsing tied a soft silk handkerchief round her throat . She was still unconscious , and was quite as bad as , if not worse than , we had ever seen her . " We must consult as to what is to be done , " he said as we descended the stairs . In the hall he opened the dining - room door , and we passed in , he closing the door carefully behind him . The shutters had been opened , but the blinds were already down , with that obedience to the etiquette of death which the British woman of the lower classes always rigidly observes . The room was , therefore , dimly dark . It was , however , light enough for our purposes . Van Helsing 's sternness was somewhat relieved by a look of perplexity . He was evidently torturing his mind about something , so I waited for an instant , and he spoke : - " What are we to do now ? Where are we to turn for help ? We must have another transfusion of blood , and that soon , or that poor girl 's life won 't be worth an hour 's purchase . You are exhausted already ; I am exhausted too . I fear to trust those women , even if they would have courage to submit . What are we to do for some one who will open his veins for her ? " " Have not heard from Seward for three days , and am terribly anxious . Cannot leave . Father still in same condition . Send me word how Lucy is . Do not delay . - Holmwood . " " A brave man 's blood is the best thing on this earth when a woman is in trouble . You 're a man and no mistake . Well , the devil may work against us for all he 's worth , but God sends us men when we want them . " Once again we went through that ghastly operation . I have not the heart to go through with the details . Lucy had got a terrible shock and it told on her more than before , for though plenty of blood went into her veins , her body did not respond to the treatment as well as on the other occasions . Her struggle back into life was something frightful to see and hear . However , the action of both heart and lungs improved , and Van Helsing made a subcutaneous injection of morphia , as before , and with good effect . Her faint became a profound slumber . The Professor watched whilst I went downstairs with Quincey Morris , and sent one of the maids to pay off one of the cabmen who were waiting . I left Quincey lying down after having a glass of wine , and told the cook to get ready a good breakfast . Then a thought struck me , and I went back to the room where Lucy now was . When I came softly in , I found Van Helsing with a sheet or two of note - paper in his hand . He had evidently read it , and was thinking it over as he sat with his hand to his brow . There was a look of grim satisfaction in his face , as of one who has had a doubt solved . He handed me the paper saying only : " It dropped from Lucy 's breast when we carried her to the bath . " When I had read it , I stood looking at the Professor , and after a pause asked him : " In God 's name , what does it all mean ? Was she , or is she , mad ; or what sort of horrible danger is it ? " I was so bewildered that I did not know what to say more . Van Helsing put out his hand and took the paper , saying : - " Do not trouble about it now . Forget it for the present . You shall know and understand it all in good time ; but it will be later . And now what is it that you came to me to say ? " This brought me back to fact , and I was all myself again . " I came to speak about the certificate of death . If we do not act properly and wisely , there may be an inquest , and that paper would have to be produced . I am in hopes that we need have no inquest , for if we had it would surely kill poor Lucy , if nothing else did . I know , and you know , and the other doctor who attended her knows , that Mrs . Westenra had disease of the heart , and we can certify that she died of it . Let us fill up the certificate at once , and I shall take it myself to the registrar and go on to the undertaker . " " Good , oh my friend John ! Well thought of ! Truly Miss Lucy , if she be sad in the foes that beset her , is at least happy in the friends that love her . One , two , three , all open their veins for her , besides one old man . Ah yes , I know , friend John ; I am not blind ! I love you all the more for it ! Now go . " " When you come back , Jack , may I have two words with you all to ourselves ? " I nodded in reply and went out . I found no difficulty about the registration , and arranged with the local undertaker to come up in the evening to measure for the coffin and to make arrangements . When I got back Quincey was waiting for me . I told him I would see him as soon as I knew about Lucy , and went up to her room . She was still sleeping , and the Professor seemingly had not moved from his seat at her side . From his putting his finger to his lips , I gathered that he expected her to wake before long and was afraid of forestalling nature . So I went down to Quincey and took him into the breakfast - room , where the blinds were not drawn down , and which was a little more cheerful , or rather less cheerless , than the other rooms . When we were alone , he said to me : - " Jack Seward , I don 't want to shove myself in anywhere where I 've no right to be ; but this is no ordinary case . You know I loved that girl and wanted to marry her ; but , although that 's all past and gone , I can 't help feeling anxious about her all the same . What is it that 's wrong with her ? The Dutchman - and a fine old fellow he is ; I can see that - said , that time you two came into the room , that you must have another transfusion of blood , and that both you and he were exhausted . Now I know well that you medical men speak in camera , and that a man must not expect to know what they consult about in private . But this is no common matter , and , whatever it is , I have done my part . Is not that so ? " " And I guess Art was in it too . When I saw him four days ago down at his own place he looked queer . I have not seen anything pulled down so quick since I was on the Pampas and had a mare that I was fond of go to grass all in a night . One of those big bats that they call vampires had got at her in the night , and what with his gorge and the vein left open , there wasn 't enough blood in her to let her stand up , and I had to put a bullet through her as she lay . Jack , if you may tell me without betraying confidence , Arthur was the first , is not that so ? " As he spoke the poor fellow looked terribly anxious . He was in a torture of suspense regarding the woman he loved , and his utter ignorance of the terrible mystery which seemed to surround her intensified his pain . His very heart was bleeding , and it took all the manhood of him - and there was a royal lot of it , too - to keep him from breaking down . I paused before answering , for I felt that I must not betray anything which the Professor wished kept secret ; but already he knew so much , and guessed so much , that there could be no reason for not answering , so I answered in the same phrase : " That 's so . " " Ten days ! Then I guess , Jack Seward , that that poor pretty creature that we all love has had put into her veins within that time the blood of four strong men . Man alive , her whole body wouldn 't hold it . " Then , coming close to me , he spoke in a fierce half - whisper : " What took it out ? " I shook my head . " That , " I said , " is the crux . Van Helsing is simply frantic about it , and I am at my wits ' end . I can 't even hazard a guess . There has been a series of little circumstances which have thrown out all our calculations as to Lucy being properly watched . But these shall not occur again . Here we stay until all be well - or ill . " Quincey held out his hand . " Count me in , " he said . " You and the Dutchman will tell me what to do , and I 'll do it . " When she woke late in the afternoon , Lucy 's first movement was to feel in her breast , and , to my surprise , produced the paper which Van Helsing had given me to read . The careful Professor had replaced it where it had come from , lest on waking she should be alarmed . Her eye then lit on Van Helsing and on me too , and gladdened . Then she looked around the room , and seeing where she was , shuddered ; she gave a loud cry , and put her poor thin hands before her pale face . We both understood what that meant - that she had realised to the full her mother 's death ; so we tried what we could to comfort her . Doubtless sympathy eased her somewhat , but she was very low in thought and spirit , and wept silently and weakly for a long time . We told her that either or both of us would now remain with her all the time , and that seemed to comfort her . Towards dusk she fell into a doze . Here a very odd thing occurred . Whilst still asleep she took the paper from her breast and tore it in two . Van Helsing stepped over and took the pieces from her . All the same , however , she went on with the action of tearing , as though the material were still in her hands ; finally she lifted her hands and opened them as though scattering the fragments . Van Helsing seemed surprised , and his brows gathered as if in thought , but he said nothing . 19 September . - All last night she slept fitfully , being always afraid to sleep , and something weaker when she woke from it . The Professor and I took it in turns to watch , and we never left her for a moment unattended . Quincey Morris said nothing about his intention , but I knew that all night long he patrolled round and round the house . When the day came , its searching light showed the ravages in poor Lucy 's strength . She was hardly able to turn her head , and the little nourishment which she could take seemed to do her no good . At times she slept , and both Van Helsing and I noticed the difference in her , between sleeping and waking . Whilst asleep she looked stronger , although more haggard , and her breathing was softer ; her open mouth showed the pale gums drawn back from the teeth , which thus looked positively longer and sharper than usual ; when she woke the softness of her eyes evidently changed the expression , for she looked her own self , although a dying one . In the afternoon she asked for Arthur , and we telegraphed for him . Quincey went off to meet him at the station . When he arrived it was nearly six o ' clock , and the sun was setting full and warm , and the red light streamed in through the window and gave more colour to the pale cheeks . When he saw her , Arthur was simply choking with emotion , and none of us could speak . In the hours that had passed , the fits of sleep , or the comatose condition that passed for it , had grown more frequent , so that the pauses when conversation was possible were shortened . Arthur 's presence , however , seemed to act as a stimulant ; she rallied a little , and spoke to him more brightly than she had done since we arrived . He too pulled himself together , and spoke as cheerily as he could , so that the best was made of everything . It was now nearly one o ' clock , and he and Van Helsing are sitting with her . I am to relieve them in a quarter of an hour , and I am entering this on Lucy 's phonograph . Until six o ' clock they are to try to rest . I fear that to - morrow will end our watching , for the shock has been too great ; the poor child cannot rally . God help us all . " It seems an age since I heard from you , or indeed since I wrote . You will pardon me , I know , for all my faults when you have read all my budget of news . Well , I got my husband back all right ; when we arrived at Exeter there was a carriage waiting for us , and in it , though he had an attack of gout , Mr . Hawkins . He took us to his house , where there were rooms for us all nice and comfortable , and we dined together . After dinner Mr . Hawkins said : - " ' My dears , I want to drink your health and prosperity ; and may every blessing attend you both . I know you both from children , and have , with love and pride , seen you grow up . Now I want you to make your home here with me . I have left to me neither chick nor child ; all are gone , and in my will I have left you everything . ' I cried , Lucy dear , as Jonathan and the old man clasped hands . Our evening was a very , very happy one . " So here we are , installed in this beautiful old house , and from both my bedroom and the drawing - room I can see the great elms of the cathedral close , with their great black stems standing out against the old yellow stone of the cathedral and I can hear the rooks overhead cawing and cawing and chattering and gossiping all day , after the manner of rooks - and humans . I am busy , I need not tell you , arranging things and housekeeping . Jonathan and Mr . Hawkins are busy all day ; for , now that Jonathan is a partner , Mr . Hawkins wants to tell him all about the clients . " How is your dear mother getting on ? I wish I could run up to town for a day or two to see you , dear , but I dare not go yet , with so much on my shoulders ; and Jonathan wants looking after still . He is beginning to put some flesh on his bones again , but he was terribly weakened by the long illness ; even now he sometimes starts out of his sleep in a sudden way and awakes all trembling until I can coax him back to his usual placidity . However , thank God , these occasions grow less frequent as the days go on , and they will in time pass away altogether , I trust . And now I have told you my news , let me ask yours . When are you to be married , and where , and who is to perform the ceremony , and what are you to wear , and is it to be a public or a private wedding ? Tell me all about it , dear ; tell me all about everything , for there is nothing which interests you which will not be dear to me . Jonathan asks me to send his ' respectful duty , ' but I do not think that is good enough from the junior partner of the important firm Hawkins & Harker ; and so , as you love me , and he loves me , and I love you with all the moods and tenses of the verb , I send you simply his ' love ' instead . Good - bye , my dearest Lucy , and all blessings on you . " In accordance with your wishes , I enclose report of the conditions of everything left in my charge β¦ . With regard to patient , Renfield , there is more to say . He has had another outbreak , which might have had a dreadful ending , but which , as it fortunately happened , was unattended with any unhappy results . This afternoon a carrier 's cart with two men made a call at the empty house whose grounds abut on ours - the house to which , you will remember , the patient twice ran away . The men stopped at our gate to ask the porter their way , as they were strangers . I was myself looking out of the study window , having a smoke after dinner , and saw one of them come up to the house . As he passed the window of Renfield 's room , the patient began to rate him from within , and called him all the foul names he could lay his tongue to . The man , who seemed a decent fellow enough , contented himself by telling him to " shut up for a foul - mouthed beggar , " whereon our man accused him of robbing him and wanting to murder him and said that he would hinder him if he were to swing for it . I opened the window and signed to the man not to notice , so he contented himself after looking the place over and making up his mind as to what kind of a place he had got to by saying : ' Lor ' bless yer , sir , I wouldn 't mind what was said to me in a bloomin ' madhouse . I pity ye and the guv ' nor for havin ' to live in the house with a wild beast like that . ' Then he asked his way civilly enough , and I told him where the gate of the empty house was ; he went away , followed by threats and curses and revilings from our man . I went down to see if I could make out any cause for his anger , since he is usually such a well - behaved man , and except his violent fits nothing of the kind had ever occurred . I found him , to my astonishment , quite composed and most genial in his manner . I tried to get him to talk of the incident , but he blandly asked me questions as to what I meant , and led me to believe that he was completely oblivious of the affair . It wa " The two carriers were at first loud in their threats of actions for damages , and promised to rain all the penalties of the law on us . Their threats were , however , mingled with some sort of indirect apology for the defeat of the two of them by a feeble madman . They said that if it had not been for the way their strength had been spent in carrying and raising the heavy boxes to the cart they would have made short work of him . They gave as another reason for their defeat the extraordinary state of drouth to which they had been reduced by the dusty nature of their occupation and the reprehensible distance from the scene of their labours of any place of public entertainment . I quite understood their drift , and after a stiff glass of grog , or rather more of the same , and with each a sovereign in hand , they made light of the attack , and swore that they would encounter a worse madman any day for the pleasure of meeting so ' bloomin ' good a bloke ' as your correspondent . I took their names and addresses , in case they might be needed . They are as follows : - Jack Smollet , of Dudding 's Rents , King George 's Road , Great Walworth , and Thomas Snelling , Peter Farley 's Row , Guide Court , Bethnal Green . They are both in the employment of Harris & Sons , Moving and Shipment Company , Orange Master 's Yard , Soho . " Such a sad blow has befallen us . Mr . Hawkins has died very suddenly . Some may not think it so sad for us , but we had both come to so love him that it really seems as though we had lost a father . I never knew either father or mother , so that the dear old man 's death is a real blow to me . Jonathan is greatly distressed . It is not only that he feels sorrow , deep sorrow , for the dear , good man who has befriended him all his life , and now at the end has treated him like his own son and left him a fortune which to people of our modest bringing up is wealth beyond the dream of avarice , but Jonathan feels it on another account . He says the amount of responsibility which it puts upon him makes him nervous . He begins to doubt himself . I try to cheer him up , and my belief in him helps him to have a belief in himself . But it is here that the grave shock that he experienced tells upon him the most . Oh , it is too hard that a sweet , simple , noble , strong nature such as his - a nature which enabled him by our dear , good friend 's aid to rise from clerk to master in a few years - should be so injured that the very essence of its strength is gone . Forgive me , dear , if I worry you with my troubles in the midst of your own happiness ; but , Lucy dear , I must tell some one , for the strain of keeping up a brave and cheerful appearance to Jonathan tries me , and I have no one here that I can confide in . I dread coming up to London , as we must do the day after to - morrow ; for poor Mr . Hawkins left in his will that he was to be buried in the grave with his father . As there are no relations at all , Jonathan will have to be chief mourner . I shall try to run over to see you , dearest , if only for a few minutes . Forgive me for troubling you . With all blessings , 20 September . - Only resolution and habit can let me make an entry to - night . I am too miserable , too low - spirited , too sick of the world and all in it , including life itself , that I would not care if I heard this moment the flapping of the wings of the angel of death . And he has been flapping those grim wings to some purpose of late - Lucy 's mother and Arthur 's father , and now β¦ . Let me get on with my work . I duly relieved Van Helsing in his watch over Lucy . We wanted Arthur to go to rest also , but he refused at first . It was only when I told him that we should want him to help us during the day , and that we must not all break down for want of rest , lest Lucy should suffer , that he agreed to go . Van Helsing was very kind to him . " Come , my child , " he said ; " come with me . You are sick and weak , and have had much sorrow and much mental pain , as well as that tax on your strength that we know of . You must not be alone ; for to be alone is to be full of fears and alarms . Come to the drawing - room , where there is a big fire , and there are two sofas . You shall lie on one , and I on the other , and our sympathy will be comfort to each other , even though we do not speak , and even if we sleep . " Arthur went off with him , casting back a longing look on Lucy 's face , which lay in her pillow , almost whiter than the lawn . She lay quite still , and I looked round the room to see that all was as it should be . I could see that the Professor had carried out in this room , as in the other , his purpose of using the garlic ; the whole of the window - sashes reeked with it , and round Lucy 's neck , over the silk handkerchief which Van Helsing made her keep on , was a rough chaplet of the same odorous flowers . Lucy was breathing somewhat stertorously , and her face was at its worst , for the open mouth showed the pale gums . Her teeth , in the dim , uncertain light , seemed longer and sharper than they had been in the morning . In particular , by some trick of the light , the canine teeth looked longer and sharper than the rest . I sat down by her , and presently she moved uneasily . At the same moment there came a sort of dull flapping or buffeting at the window . I went over to it softly , and peeped out by the corner of the blind . There was a full moonlight , and I could see that the noise was made by a great bat , which wheeled round - doubtless attracted by the light , although so dim - and every now and again struck the window with its wings . When I caPresently she woke , and I gave her food , as Van Helsing had prescribed . She took but a little , and that languidly . There did not seem to be with her now the unconscious struggle for life and strength that had hitherto so marked her illness . It struck me as curious that the moment she became conscious she pressed the garlic flowers close to her . It was certainly odd that whenever she got into that lethargic state , with the stertorous breathing , she put the flowers from her ; but that when she waked she clutched them close . There was no possibility of making any mistake about this , for in the long hours that followed , she had many spells of sleeping and waking and repeated both actions many times . At six o ' clock Van Helsing came to relieve me . Arthur had then fallen into a doze , and he mercifully let him sleep on . When he saw Lucy 's face I could hear the sissing indraw of his breath , and he said to me in a sharp whisper : " Draw up the blind ; I want light ! " Then he bent down , and , with his face almost touching Lucy 's , examined her carefully . He removed the flowers and lifted the silk handkerchief from her throat . As he did so he started back , and I could hear his ejaculation , " Mein Gott ! " as it was smothered in his throat . I bent over and looked , too , and as I noticed some queer chill came over me . " She is dying . It will not be long now . It will be much difference , mark me , whether she dies conscious or in her sleep . Wake that poor boy , and let him come and see the last ; he trusts us , and we have promised him . " I went to the dining - room and waked him . He was dazed for a moment , but when he saw the sunlight streaming in through the edges of the shutters he thought he was late , and expressed his fear . I assured him that Lucy was still asleep , but told him as gently as I could that both Van Helsing and I feared that the end was near . He covered his face with his hands , and slid down on his knees by the sofa , where he remained , perhaps a minute , with his head buried , praying , whilst his shoulders shook with grief . I took him by the hand and raised him up . " Come , " I said , " my dear old fellow , summon all your fortitude : it will be best and easiest for her . " When we came into Lucy 's room I could see that Van Helsing had , with his usual forethought , been putting matters straight and making everything look as pleasing as possible . He had even brushed Lucy 's hair , so that it lay on the pillow in its usual sunny ripples . When we came into the room she opened her eyes , and seeing him , whispered softly : - " Arthur ! Oh , my love , I am so glad you have come ! " He was stooping to kiss her , when Van Helsing motioned him back . " No , " he whispered , " not yet ! Hold her hand ; it will comfort her more . " So Arthur took her hand and knelt beside her , and she looked her best , with all the soft lines matching the angelic beauty of her eyes . Then gradually her eyes closed , and she sank to sleep . For a little bit her breast heaved softly , and her breath came and went like a tired child 's . And then insensibly there came the strange change which I had noticed in the night . Her breathing grew stertorous , the mouth opened , and the pale gums , drawn back , made the teeth look longer and sharper than ever . In a sort of sleep - waking , vague , unconscious way she opened her eyes , which were now dull and hard at once , and said in a soft , voluptuous voice , such as I had never heard from her lips : - " Arthur ! Oh , my love , I am so glad you have come ! Kiss me ! " Arthur bent eagerly over to kiss her ; but at that instant Van Helsing , who , like me , had been startled by her voice , swooped upon him , and catching him by the neck with both hands , dragged him back with a fury of strength which I never thought he could have possessed , and actually hurled him almost across the room . Very shortly after she opened her eyes in all their softness , and putting out her poor , pale , thin hand , took Van Helsing 's great brown one ; drawing it to her , she kissed it . " My true friend , " she said , in a faint voice , but with untellable pathos , " My true friend , and his ! Oh , guard him , and give me peace ! " I went back to the room , and found Van Helsing looking at poor Lucy , and his face was sterner than ever . Some change had come over her body . Death had given back part of her beauty , for her brow and cheeks had recovered some of their flowing lines ; even the lips had lost their deadly pallor . It was as if the blood , no longer needed for the working of the heart , had gone to make the harshness of death as little rude as might be . |
From Parts I - II : I returned from Afghanistan , having been shot in the shoulder and having two surgeries to repair it . I got out of the Army to help my mother who had bladder cancer and ran into the high school girl on whom I had had a crush . I found out she was a single mother of a young daughter and tried to ask her out , only to have her accuse me of treating her like someone who I thought couldn 't take care of herself and needed to be saved . She realized her mistake and we dated once then I was invited to her house , where I ran into her ex , who had drugged her and then knocked me out . After the incident , Lily says she won 't see me anymore , but then , one night she arrived , drunk , and fucks me . When she wakes , she says it was a mistake and goes back to not seeing me anymore . Chapter 10 . Ahhhh , Cindy ! Over the next few weeks I never saw Lily . She was either not in the cafΓ© or avoiding me . I looked for her everywhere , but never saw her once . I called her home and cell , but she wouldn 't answer or talk to me . During this period , my mother asked me what I was going to do about her and I could only shrug . I had no idea what to do . I was not in love with her , but there was a strong attraction there that I wanted to know more about . But if she didn 't want to see me , I could only try for so long . It was time to consider other things in my life . My FOID ( Firearms Owners ID Card ) had finally been approved and I purchased a SigSauer P226 9mm handgun . It 's a nice model and I was able to affect the purchase and get the handgun in a reasonable amount of time . It was used and had only been fired a couple of times , so I got it cheap . I had my eye on the famous Glock , but the SigSauer was too cheap to pass up . I also got one box of hollow point bullets for self protection and a couple of boxes of full metal jacketed bullets for going to the range . Most people don 't understand that the hollow point bullets are not just for the stopping power , but they also prevent the bullets from traveling too far . If you happen to be attacked in your house and you fire a weapon , a full metal jacketed bullet , if it misses your intruder , can continue to travel through the walls and out of the house to other houses and locations . A hollow point , by the way it mushrooms when it strikes , will not travel much beyond the immediate area of the room where it 's fired . One day I was in the cafΓ© again . I was undergoing physical therapy for my shoulder and stopped to get something to eat . Lily was nowhere to be found , but I once again got Cindy as my waitress . She handed me the menu . I looked closely at Cindy . She was a cute little strawberry blonde woman , probably only about 5 ' 2 " , 105 pounds , with her hair in a ponytail for work . I liked her and , coupled with Lily 's ignoring me , she suddenly seemed like an option . " Can I ask you a personal question ? " " If she has a problem with me , why won 't she see me or talk to me ? Why does she ignore me ? She won 't even speak to me even though I thought we were friends . " " Then we 'll do it where she won 't see us . She can stop living her life , but I 'm not going to stop living mine . I plan to continue to date and meet other people . Why can 't you be one of them ? " She looked at me closely and then glanced over her shoulder . " Okay , look . I 'll give you my cell number , but you have to promise she will never find out . I don 't want to take a chance on losing this job right now . Okay ? " I agreed and she took my order . When she brought my order out she left a small piece of paper next to my plate with her cell phone number on it . I pocketed it and ate . On Saturday , I went to the address that Cindy had given me and found that it was a small set of apartments in the next small town over from mine . It was a complex of only about 20 apartments , wrapped around a small parking area . All the apartments were arranged so that they had doors on the inside and went through to the outside . The ones on one side were single - floor apartments and the ones on Cindy 's side were two - story townhouse style apartments . I walked into her apartment and looked around . It was nicely appointed , clean , and rather large . I then took in the sight of Cindy . She looked fantastic . I had told her we were going to a nice dinner and drinks at an upscale place in St . Louis and she was prepared . She was dressed in a very nice deep purple dress that had a single shoulder strap on the left , leaving the right shoulder bare . The bodice hugged her form and revealed to me that her true shape was not very well seen in her work attire . It showed me that she had a very small waist and perfect small breasts . The hips were nice and curvy and her ass was delectable . The dress came down to just above her knees and her heels , which must have been approaching four inches , accentuated those nice legs and butt . " Does it look okay ? " I couldn 't tell if she was fishing for a compliment or not , but I gave her one . " You look delicious . " " We have a few minutes . If you have any diet soda , I 'll take one of those ? I don 't want any alcohol since we 'll be drinking at dinner and it 's a long drive there and back . " She walked over to the small kitchen . " If you want to wait a couple of minutes , my roommate will be down . " She lowered her voice and smiled . " She wanted to meet you . " " I went to Southwestern Illinois College for two years and then dropped out . There didn 't seem to be any point in finishing my degree in psychology . I knew of several people with that degree that had trouble finding work so I wanted to take some time to determine what marketable field I wanted to be in . I didn 't see any jobs coming my way in psychology since I 'm not smart enough to be a doctor . I can 't see myself working in an office every day , but my feet and back won 't hold up long if I don 't find something other than waitressing . " Then she looked up at me . " So what are your plans for the future ? " " Not sure . I can 't stay with my mother forever . She 's getting better and I need to get a job . I have some more physical therapy to go through for my shoulder , but I need to consider working or going back to school . " " Not sure yet . I think so . I want to be near my mother for a while to make sure she gets better , but once I get a job , moving would be no big deal for me . " I turned quickly . I knew that voice . I turned to meet her eyes and she was smiling a familiar smile . It was Rhonda Mortensen . Shit ! I had dated her and even had sex with her when I was a senior and she was a sophomore in high school . Rhonda grinned , nodded , and turned to Cindy . " Remember when we discussed our first time and I told you about my boyfriend when I was a sophomore ? " She turned and with a flourish held her hand out indicating me . Cindy 's eyes went wide and then she grinned and finally laughed . " Wait , you mean that this is the guy who wouldn 't have sex with you at first because he was leaving town and didn 't want to hurt you ? " The way she said it made it obvious that they had talked about the entire thing . I looked back and forth between the two women as I took in what they just said and I know I had to be three shades redder than normal . I could feel the heat in my face . " I can 't believe you told her about us , Rhonda . " She patted me on the arm and Cindy came over to me as well . " Jon , I didn 't really tell her about ' us ' . Cindy and I just told each other about our first sexual encounters and I told her about mine without giving a name . It was several months ago when we first became roommates and I had no idea you were going to turn up as her date one night . " Cindy put her arm around my waist . " It was an endearing story , Jon . You should feel good to hear how she talks about you . I know a lot of women that are not so pleased with the way they lost their virginity - or to whom . " Rhonda leaned up and kissed me on the cheek . " You were sweet , Jon . I 'm very glad that for my first time I had you . " I know I was blushing now . It seemed to me that women were much more open about discussing their sexual adventures . The guys I knew just wanted to let other guys know that there had been a conquest , but no details . " Okay , okay , can we please stop talking about it ? I think it 's time for us to leave , Cindy . " They both smiled that smile that women get when they are being condescending and letting you have your way . " Sure thing . I 'll just get my purse . " We headed out toward the car and got in . As I drove to St . Louis , there was a lull in talking with Cindy where I remembered that time with Rhonda . I was a senior , just ready to graduate . She was a sophomore who was very cute and , since we grew up in the same block and had known each other since grade school , I asked her out . She and I hit it off and dated for three months . Near my graduation , she told me one night in the car that she had decided that she wanted to have sex to find out what it was all about and wanted it to be with me . I was shocked . None of my other girlfriends had ever talked so frankly about sex . I had only had sex with two other girls and both of those were fumbling disasters because we were rushed into it in the back seat of a car . Rhonda and I had both made out heavily , including getting each other off with our hands while still dressed , but we had never gotten naked or discussed ' doing it ' . Suddenly , to Rhonda , it was the most normal thing in the world to decide to give up her virginity . I was a little shocked and at first said that I was leaving for West Point at the end of June and didn 't want to hurt her . She looked directly at me and said that it would only hurt a little and then she would be free to enjoy it more . She said she was on the pill and wanted to have sex . I put it off , saying that I didn 't want to do it in the car because of how uncomfortable it was . I was really hoping she would change her mind . I liked her and wanted to have sex , but I felt that she was so young that it might be a mistake with me leaving shortly . She continued to press the issue the next couple of days and then asked me to come over one Saturday . We normally hung out at each other 's house on Saturdays , but what I didn 't know is that her entire family was going to be away that day . She had told her parents that she was going to be at her friend Jennifer 's house , so she stayed behind . When I got there , she opened the door and was standing there in just her panties . She had decided it was to be Cindy broke me from my reverie . " So , are you remembering what happened with Rhonda ? " She patted me on the arm . " Don 't be . She talks about you in the most wonderful way . She said that she learned that sex can be a wonderful , enjoyable thing , not to be hidden and locked away . And I have to say after meeting you , that I can see how it would be you . You are still a nice guy . " " Well , you are . And believe it or not , we women want a nice guy . Sure , we 're attracted to bad boys , but in the long run we all want a nice guy . " I thought for a moment . " You don 't know that I 'm that nice anymore . " I paused and she was smiling at me . " So Rhonda told you all about it , huh ? " We were quiet for that last five minutes and then arrived at the restaurant and had dinner . I had only had the one date with Lily in the last year , so I really enjoyed spending time with Cindy . She was so easy to talk to . She went into the kitchen and came back with two beers . She handed me both of them . " Here , put mine on the table . I have got to get out of these pantyhose . " She disappeared and I took a long drink of my beer . After a couple of minutes I heard her coming up behind me . " Rhonda is out for the night , so β¦ . " I turned to look as she walked back into the room and she was in just her panties . " Interested ? " I stood and she led me into her bedroom . She turned and kissed me hard , her tongue searching out mine . I put my hands on her ass and felt her beautiful bubble butt . She purred as I fondled it . She then broke off the kiss . " You have too many clothes on . " Cindy helped me undress and then pushed me back on the bed . " Yum ! You have a perfectly sized and curved dick . " I looked down at it . " Curved ? " She was now kneeling between my legs and was getting ready to go down on me . She looked up . " Yes , it has this perfect upward curve when it 's hard - and it 's definitely hard . " She emphasized that by pulling it down and releasing it , letting it slap up against my stomach . " I bet that curve is going to hit my g - spot just right . " I stared at her as she smiled at me when she did that and I was suddenly happen with my upwardly curved appendage . And then she lowered her head to suck me . Fuck ! That felt fantastic ! I was having sex for the second time in a few weeks after a 15 month break , so I really had no recent comparison for it , but a woman sucking your cock is a woman sucking your cock . It reminded me of the old joke my buddy in the Army used to tell . " What 's the difference between a good blow job and a bad blow job ? There are no bad blowjobs , some are just better than others . " She looked up at me and I stared into her blue eyes . She smiled around my cock as she continued to lick and suck on it . I groaned out loud and she lifted her head . " I think somebody likes having their cock sucked . " She said it with the emphasis on the last two words , trying to sound like she was talking dirty . Then she continued as she stared at my dick . " Of course , every man loves to have his cock sucked . But I 'm going to give you a cock - sucking like you 've never had . " And she attacked my dick again . I leaned back and let her just play . She took her mouth off and licked all around the back and over my balls . Then she licked up to the head and teased around the crown of my circumcised dickhead . She put her lips around the head and slowly lowered her head , burying me in her mouth . It felt amazing . She was not just blowing me ; she was making love to my cock . She lifted her mouth off it and rubbed it around her face , staring at me as I lifted my head to watch . She grinned . " Do you like my cock - sucking skills ? " " Good . I 'm going to suck on this big dick and I want you to fuck my mouth . I want you to fuck my mouth and fill it with your spunk . I 'm going to swallow all your cum and then suck you hard again so that you can penetrate my cunt with your hard dick . " I groaned . She obviously enjoyed talking dirty and telling me what she was going to do . She went back to work on my dick and I was really into it . I started thrusting , knowing that this was it . I was going to spurt into this cute little blonde 's hot little mouth . And she was sucking and bobbing and stroking me for all she was worth . Finally , I announced it . " Fuck , I 'm cumming ! " She pulled her mouth up to just cover my head , continued to stroke me with her right hand , and kept running her tongue on the sensitive spot just under the head . I blasted her . I came and came and came . I couldn 't stop thrusting into that hot fucking mouth ! After what seemed like an eternity , I was spent and collapsed back on the bed . I watched as Cindy smiled at me and then finished cleaning up my dick . She smacked her lips . " Yum ! I just love a large load of cum . " She crawled up next to me and cuddled to my chest . " Not me . I love everything there is about sucking cock . I love knowing that I can get a guy that excited , that I can make them cum almost whenever I want by doing it . I love holding that piece of muscle in my hand , controlling it , owning it , feeling it grow until it spurts , and then shrivel as the blood leaves it . It 's just so cool . " I was shocked . I had never met a woman like this . " Well , you certainly can give a blowjob . You were making love to my cock . You are one of a kind in my book . " She grinned and started playing with my genitalia . " Don 't worry , I will . Now I 'm gonna get you wound up again so you can take care of my itch . " She moved down and started sucking and licking on my balls and dick , waking it up for another round . I pushed her away and crawled off the bed . She stared , waiting to see what I was planning . I couldn 't support myself with my bad shoulder , but I figured kneeling on the floor would be easy and let me get to her pussy . I knelt and pulled her around so that her crotch was facing me . I pulled her toward me and she got the idea and helped . She let me pull her so that her legs were dangling over the side on either side of my head . She giggled and laid her head back as I went to work . " Mmmm , Jon . Eat my pretty little blonde pussy , suck up my juices and lick my clit . I want to cum ! " Fuck ! This woman had quite the dirty mouth on her during sex . I leaned in to study the features of this small woman 's pussy . She had just the hint of blonde hair over the top of her pussy and the rest was free of all hair , either shaved or waxed . It had nice full outer lips that were swollen with blood due to her arousal , and bright pink inner lips that opened to show her very wet and pink cunt . It was beautiful and from the moment I took my first taste , I loved hers . I settled in by kissing her right on her pussy and then all around it . I pushed her legs up and she reached down to hold them up and apart for me . There was no hesitation or sense of unease at spreading herself wide open for me . I parted her outer lips and kissed her inner ones , running my tongue all around inside . I pulled back and ran my tongue down over her asshole . She twitched and moaned in appreciation . I slowly drug my tongue back up over her pussy to her now revealed pearl . Her clit was aroused and demanding attention . I gave it some and after only a minute of sucking and licking on it Cindy reached her orgasm . " Oh , fuck , right there ! " She moaned her desires out loud and started going through the spasms of her first orgasm . I released her clit and just kissed her pussy . She was holding her legs up tightly to her chest as I finished her off and I could see her jerk each time I lightly brushed her clit . Finally , she relaxed and let her legs slip down to either side of me . I lifted my head up and she suddenly sat up and grabbed my head . She kissed me hard , her tongue working me over , and then licked around my mouth . She pulled back and looked into my eyes . " Baby , you eat pussy pretty good . I think I might have to keep you around for a while . " She grinned . " And I love the taste of me on your mouth . God , that 's so fucking hot ! " I smiled and stood up . I was hard as could be and pointing straight at her pussy . I started to bury my dick in her , but she blocked her pussy with her hand . She leaned to the right and reached over to the bedside table to pull out a condom . She opened it and slid it quickly over my erection . Then Cindy turned over and scooted to the edge of the bed so that I could fuck her standing up . She was on her knees , chest on the bed , her ass up against my cock , rotating her hips . " Oh , yeah . Fuck me hard , Jon . Show me what that hard cock can do . " I pulled back so that my dick came out from where it was laying between her butt cheeks and aimed it at her cunt . Her dirty talk was making me want to pound her . I lined it up and slowly eased it in . She was soaking after her orgasm and I slid in easy . I only had to pump a couple of times to get enough moisture on my condom encased dick to bury it completely in her . When my hips hit her ass she groaned . " Fuck , yes , Jon , that feels great . Now pound me . Fuck me . Make me your bitch . " I was amazed at what was coming out of this cute little pixie of a woman . I thought I was getting the shy girl next door and instead I got a horny , blonde , dirty - talking , sex goddess . So I did as she asked . Using my right hand , I steadied myself on her hip and started slowly fucking her , accentuating the thrusts by ensuring that I buried it hard and slapped up against her ass . She loved it . I obliged and started fucking her hard and fast . She started groaning and emitting ' fuck yeah ' every time I bottomed out . I watched as she arched her back , shoved her hips back , and made sure that I could really bury it and make good contact . I slammed and slammed into her and she moaned and groaned and had at least two orgasms before I reached mine . I finally reached my peak and just buried my dick into her as I spurted over and over . She was still rotating her hips a little , stimulating that sensitive spot on my dick so that I couldn 't stop jerking . Finally , I had to pull out of her . I pulled back and saw her gaping hole , my condom filled with spunk . Her cunt closed quickly and I had to peel off the condom , toss it in the trash , and then sit down on the bed exhausted . When I finally sat down she collapsed over onto her side and looked up with a smile . " Nice job , Jon . I haven 't been fucked that good in a while . " She grinned . " I guess that 's something guys don 't guess about me unless they see me in action . I love sex and I love talking during sex and I love sex games . " She reached over and lightly caressed my now limp and sated member . " I 'm glad I decided to have sex with you . I really needed it . " She sat up and ran to the bathroom . When she came back she lay down next to me . I had fallen back on the bed with my legs still over the side . " It looked like you were going to fuck me bareback without thinking about it . I just want you to know that I don 't do that with anyone . If you want , we can get tested just to make sure and then if it comes up , I might give you a break . " She grinned at that . I smiled and looked at the clock . " I guess I should get dressed and go now . " She put her arm over my chest . " Not unless you want to . You can stay here tonight . Maybe we 'll be able to get one more round in tomorrow morning . " " Don 't worry about her . She would probably love it if I let her jump your bones again . I really meant it when I said she still had very fond memories of your time together and introduction to sex . " I laughed . " You don 't have to beg . I 'll stay . I would love to snuggle and sleep next to you , you little sex bomb you . " I looked at her closely . " I don 't know if I do or not , but she certainly made it plain that I wasn 't welcome and that she didn 't want anything to do with me . I 've pushed a couple of times , but I can 't moon over her forever . I 've got to move on with my life if she 's going to be that way . " I woke the next morning when Cindy got up to go to the bathroom . I lay there and thought about what had happened . Was this where I really wanted to go with my life ? Did I want to do this or should I go back and make a solid pitch for Lily ? I knew that I was feeling more than just a normal attraction to Lily , but she was making it clear that she didn 't want anything to do with me . Did she want me to wear her down ? And what about Cindy ? She was a sexual dynamo . Was she just a fuck ? I liked her , but I didn 't get those tingly feelings I got from Lily . Would she be okay as just a friend with benefits ? She seemed to be , but things always looked a little different in the light of day . After a few minutes , I realized that Cindy never came back to bed . She must have gone out the other side of the bathroom and downstairs . I decided to get up . I got dressed and walked downstairs , ready to head home and get cleaned up . Cindy was making some scrambled eggs and Rhonda was buttering toast . They looked up as I came in . Rhonda laughed . " Look at you . Are you going to blush over this ? I don 't know why . You 've already slept with both of us . " Rhonda changed the subject to the restaurant we went to last night and then we talked about everything else . When we were finished eating , Cindy walked me to the door . She kissed me . " So Jon , will I see you again ? " " Look , there 's no pressure . It was just two people hooking up and enjoying sex . You don 't owe me anything and I don 't owe you anything . I just want to know if you want to see me again . " I left their apartment feeling wonderful . But on the drive home I revisited my feelings about her and about Lily . There was still something drawing me toward Lily even while I loved the feeling and idea of having sex with Cindy again . It seemed like Cindy was just a happy - go - lucky woman who enjoyed sex and didn 't mind hooking up with someone from time to time . But was that totally correct ? And could I keep my feelings for Lily from interfering with my physical relationship with Cindy ? Or could I maintain a purely physical relationship with Cindy ? I was never the type who could do that . I was a one - woman - at - a - time kind of guy , who usually committed myself to my relationships , few that there had been . It was going to be difficult and I didn 't even know if I could do that . When I got home , my mother was in the kitchen reading the paper . " So , didn 't come home last night , I see . " She looked up and put her hand over her heart as she mocked me . " Oh , my God ! You spent the night with a young lady ? And had sex ? I 'm shocked . " When I woke the next morning I felt worse than the day before about how my feelings for Lily seemed to be stronger than those for Cindy , and yet I was going to be going out and hooking up with Cindy and not Lily . Something seemed so wrong about this . I thought maybe I would feel better about it after sleeping on it , but the opposite was true . I didn 't know what to do about it . I called Cindy at about noon and she was already at work . She was on break when I called so I could talk to her for a minute about it . " Cindy , I need to talk to you about the other night . " " I know . Me , too . But I have to tell you that the sex was some of the best I 've had and I 'm not letting you go very easily . Even if I have to kidnap you . " " Yeah , okay . How about tomorrow night at my apartment ? I 'll be off . I know I shouldn 't make light of this , but if she doesn 't want you , then baby I got first dibs . " " Shit , don 't say that . You know I like dirty talk and you 're going to make my panties wet . Then how will I get any work done around here ? " I hung up and turned around and saw my mother standing there . I could tell by the way she looked away that she had heard the cocksucker remark . I blushed when she looked back up at me . " Better be more discreet with your conversations , Jon . " She grinned when she said it and walked away shaking her head . Damn ! That was not something I wanted my mother to hear . The next night I arrived at Cindy 's at about 6pm . I rang the bell and Rhonda answered . " Hello , Jon . " She smiled and gave me a peck on the cheek . It still felt a little weird being in the presence of two women that I had slept with . " Dinner 's almost ready . " She looked at me and thought hard for a moment . Then as she walked toward the kitchen with me following she tossed this over her shoulder . " And would that be wrong ? " Rhonda just grinned and I pointed to her from behind so that just Cindy could see . Cindy giggled and Rhonda turned to see me pointing . I kept it up . " Hey ! " She tried to slap me but I avoided it and protected myself from any further onslaught . Rhonda just laughed . " Well , I 've got a date in an hour , so I 'm going upstairs . You kids be good . " She winked at Cindy and Cindy stuck her tongue out at Rhonda . She smiled . " Mmmm . I like your welcomes . " She went back to the stove . " Broccoli will be ready in a minute . Why don 't you get out the wine on the inside door of the fridge and fill the glasses on the table . " I went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of white wine that she had there and moved back to the table . It had been set very nicely . She had definitely gone all out . I poured a couple of glasses of wine and took hers to her . " What are we having ? " " Yum ! " It sounded and smelled wonderful . " My favorites . " Then I moved up next to Cindy and ran my hand over her tight little bubble butt . " Among other things . " Cindy groaned . " Ugh ! Those terms are so passΓ© . " Then she turned to me and grinned . " But I heard they do make an excellent dessert ! " I grinned back and she shooed me out of the way as she started moving everything to the table . She pulled the chicken and potatoes , which had been done before the broccoli , out of the oven in covered dishes and put them on the table . Then she drained and served up the broccoli . I sat down and she finished putting everything on the table and joined me . " Everything looks wonderful . " It did and I told her so as I was spooning the potatoes onto my plate . Once dinner was finished , we cleared away the dishes and put the leftovers away . As soon as that was done , Cindy took me by the hand and led me to her bedroom . " C ' mon , baby , I need sex . " She led me into the bedroom , stripped , stripped me , and then pulled me into bed . She looked at me and grinned . " Jon , do you think you could do me a favor and eat my pussy again ? " She giggled . " Don 't worry , you 're going to get yours , too . " Having said that she turned and faced the foot of the bed and straddled my face . She looked down at me and grinned . " Still my favorite number . " I knew that she meant 69 and she lowered her pussy onto my face as she leaned forward and started licking my dick . She was definitely a sex - loving woman and after my long time off I was enjoying having regular sex again . I ate her with gusto and she sucked me like she hadn 't had cock in a year . We brought each other to an orgasm and then basked in the afterglow of being sated with food and sex . " Mmmm . I think I could get used to this . " Cindy turned to me and looked at me as she said that . " Okay . But I 've heard that women usually never say anything bad about a current boyfriend or lover , but once they break up , they dish the dirt . Is that true ? " She smiled at me said mockingly . " Who 's been giving away our gender secrets ? " Then she put her head on my chest . " That 's probably pretty close to the truth . Most of my friends would never say anything bad about their lover while dating or living with someone , but they 'll trash them once they leave . And I mean intimate detail trashing . Of course , my married friends dish the dirt on their husbands no matter what . " She rolled over on top of me , starting kissing me , and fondled my recovering member . He was up for round 2 and we made it a good one . I didn 't leave until 1am and Rhonda was just driving up when I walked out . " Hey , Rhonda . " From Parts I - III : I returned from Afghanistan , having been shot in the shoulder and having two surgeries to repair it . I got out of the Army to help my mother who had bladder cancer and ran into the high school girl on whom I had had a crush . I found out she was a single mother of a young daughter and tried to ask her out , only to have her accuse me of treating her like someone who I thought couldn 't take care of herself and needed to be saved . She realized her mistake and we dated once then I was invited to her house , where I ran into her ex , who had drugged her and then knocked me out . After the incident , Lily says she won 't see me anymore , but then , one night she arrived , drunk , and fucks me . When she wakes , she says it was a mistake and goes back to not seeing me anymore . After a few weeks of being ignored and turned down by Lily , I asked the waitress Cindy out and she proved to be a sexual dynamo . < / i > Over the next few weeks , Cindy and I met regularly . She was a bit wild , but then I needed that . I needed someone to draw me away from Lily . One very tense incident occurred on 14 December when I was in the cafΓ© after physical therapy and Cindy was working . I sat in her area and she waited on me . After I finished eating , I guess our flirting and playful banter was noticed by Lily . We had said we would be careful , but we got a little carried away . Lily came over just after Cindy had gone to wait on someone else and sat at my table . Cindy noticed , but stayed away , probably waiting to see what would happen . I sat there trying to process that and then looked down , feeling sheepish . " I 'm sorry . That was not my intention . She 's just a beautiful woman and I was attracted to her . It had nothing to do with you and I certainly wasn 't trying to throw it into your face . We didn 't mean to be obvious . You didn 't want anything to do with me , but I certainly don 't hate you . Do you hate me ? " I knew there was still something that drew me to Lily when I saw her , but she was always completely closed off to me and I decided that the best thing was to continue to be with Cindy . All the great sex was taking my mind off everything else . My mother was doing well and my shoulder was responding well to the physical therapy . The more I took physical therapy the more I knew that part of the recruiting process for them was to ensure that they were masochists . Lily , however , was still something of a paradox . She was a beautiful woman and the great sex we had that one night had really enthralled me , but ever since she had been cold and unapproachable . She had told me she wanted nothing to do with me . Cindy , meanwhile , was turning out to be amazingly good company , an intelligent woman on many subjects even though she didn 't finish her education , and a witty talker who could hold her own . I felt like we were getting really close . " Cindy is a very sexual woman . " I smiled and nodded at that . " She is also still a woman with feelings . Don 't forget that . " " Okay , I 'm going to just come out and say it . Cindy usually has several lovers at a time and makes no bones about it being her prerogative to do so . Since she has started having sex with you she has turned down all her other ' friends - with - benefits ' regulars . I think she 's getting attached to you . I just wanted you to know . I love her and don 't want to see her get hurt . " I was a little stunned , but not completely . I could tell the way Cindy acted around me that she really enjoyed taking care of me and was a little enamored with our relationship . " I don 't intend to hurt her in any way . I really like Cindy . I can keep a secret and I 'll be good to her . " It was 15 December , just before Christmas when I heard from Cindy about a ' special ' night that she had in mind . She wanted me to come to her apartment at 8pm that Friday and let myself in . She said the door would be unlocked and I was to come in and sit on the couch . There would be a note for me there . Cindy and I had had pretty regular sex and I thought this might be a continuation of that , but I wasn 't sure what she had in mind . 18 December 2009 I was anxious and horny when I entered her apartment . I went to the couch and there was a written note . It was a scenario . It read : < i > I 'm sorry stepfather that you caught me and the next door neighbor playing in my room . I 'm sorry that you caught him sucking and fondling my breasts and with his hand up my skirt . We were not going to do ' it ' , but sometimes I cannot deny my urges . Please , do not take it out on him . He was just succumbing to my advances . He 's too dumb to do otherwise . I know that I am a dirty , nasty girl and that I deserve to be punished . I 'm also sorry that I tease you by flaunting my body in my panties and t - shirts in the morning . I 'm just a sinful girl . I 'm willing to take whatever punishment you want to give me . I am waiting in my room for you to call me and administer it . I put the note down . She told me almost everything I needed to know in this scenario . Once before during sex , she had asked me to slap her on the ass and she seemed to get into that , but this was a much different scenario . I was a little surprised by it , but she was basically telling me what she wanted . I also noticed the items that she had placed on the coffee table . I stared at what was there . There were five items ; a blindfold , pair of handcuffs , a butt plug , some lube , and a small paddle . She had provided everything that she wanted me to have to enact her little fantasy . She was kinkier than I thought . I was a little shocked , but very interested . I had always been a pretty straight person myself and now was excited by this new turn of events . It was something that I had never experienced and would never have asked for . I picked up the blindfold and called her name . She walked into the room and was the poster child for a teenager 's wet dream . Hell , every straight man 's wet dream . She was wearing a sheer blouse that she had tied up under her small breasts and a plaid schoolgirl 's skirt , except she had rolled up the waistband until it only came to the bottom of her ass . " I can see that you are telling me you trust me , but we have to have one , right ? Isn 't that how it 's done ? How about ' snowstorm ' ? " I stared at her . She had her eyes downcast and her hands clasped in front of her like she was really ashamed , and she was slightly rocking from foot to foot . She was playing this well . " But what ? " I stared at this woman in front of me . There was much I didn 't know about her , obviously . I thought I knew her pretty well , but how well do we really know someone 's secret desires ? She was standing directly in front of me , her small breasts and areola easily visible through the gauzy blouse . Her nipples were hard and pointy . Her legs were visible all the way to just below her pussy because it was so short . After giving her a good looking over I looked up and could see the lust in her eyes . I stood up and walked behind her . I lifted the blindfold up and showed it to her . " I am going to put this on you for your punishment . " I put the blindfold on her and waited for a few seconds . If she wanted to play , I would at least make her anticipate it and think about it . After a few seconds I went and sat back down . I reached up and fondled her tits . " Did you like it when Joe fondled your tits and played with your nipples ? " " Yes , sir . " She squirmed as I played with them . I released the knot of the tied up shirt and let it fall open . I pushed it back over her shoulders and she shrugged it off onto the floor . " You have very pretty tits , Cindy . " I realized that she was hinting at the use of the handcuffs , so I got up and retrieved them . I stood behind her and pulled her arms back and she let me cuff her . " That should keep you under control , my little minx . " She didn 't say anything and I sat back down and sucked on one tit and pinched the nipple of the other for the next few minutes . I never pinched hard enough to hurt her since she had never let on that she was into pain . She was moaning and squirming a lot now . I could tell she was getting turned on . I leaned back . " So what else did you let Joe do ? Did you let him play with your pussy ? " " Well , let me just check then . " I reached under her skirt and found that she was not wearing panties . I lifted the front of the skirt and saw that she had shaved all her pubic hair and was definitely wet . " You are very wet and you have completely shaved off your pubic hair . " I stood up and led her to the middle of the living room . " You are going to kneel down now . " I held her arm as I helped her kneel . " Now bend forward and put your face on the floor . " She did so . I flipped her skirt up over her ass and looked at it . It was magnificent . I had an erection that was threatening to burst the zipper on my Dockers so I stripped . She didn 't say anything while I did so even though I know she heard me , so I retrieved the lube , butt plug , and paddle and approached her . " You have been a very bad , very slutty girl . I 'm going to have to teach you a lesson . Do you understand ? " I ran my hand over her soaking gash and made sure I ran a couple of fingers over her clit . She jerked at the contact and moaned . This was really fun . I had never played this sort of game and had this kind of control over a woman . I was enjoying lightly tormenting her . I wasn 't sure about the paddle , but I loved teasing . I came back up to her ass and played with her asshole . " You are a very dirty , very slutty , very nasty girl and I am going to teach you what happens to sluts who act like you did and try to seduce a nice young man . Are you ready for me to put a plug in your ass , you little slut ? " " Yes , sir , I am ready for you to put a plug in my ass . " I opened the lube and dribbled some on her ass crack just above the hole . I rubbed it all around her little pink star and then into it as I pushed my index finger in . She wiggled a little and I watched as my erection bobbed right next to her ass . I was almost as turned on as she was . I started slowing fucking her ass with one finger and she moaned and wiggled . I then put just a touch more lube on her asshole and started working a second finger in . She was very tight , but eventually I was in her up to the middle knuckle . I had never done more than play with or lightly lick a woman 's ass while having sex and had never penetrated one . It was an amazingly dirty , taboo , and exciting feeling . I looked at the butt plug she had left out . It was not small , but not humongous . I pulled out my fingers and lubed up the plug . She was still there , slightly wiggling her ass , taking slow measured breaths . I put the butt plug against her asshole and started fucking her with it , pushing harder each time to get it closer to entering her . She groaned . " It 's so big , sir . Please don 't put it in my little bottom . " I wondered if she had really had anything back there before , but her pleading during this role play led me to believe that either way , she wanted it now . Finally , the butt plug got past the large part and was seated into her ass . She moaned as her ass closed around it . She had never mentioned any desire for anal play in our few weeks together , but she seemed to be enjoying it now . " We 'll see . We still haven 't gotten to your punishment . So far all I 've done is shown you what a little tramp you are for sex . " I picked up the paddle and looked at it . It was like a ping pong paddle with extra padding . It was meant more for show than pain , which was good . I was not really into inflicting pain . I brought it down and rubbed it over her ass . She squirmed , showing her nice little ass with the bottom of the butt plug on display , wiggling in front of me . I suddenly brought the paddle back and then down on her ass . It hit her ass and she jerked and yelped as it hit , but it was an amazing sight . I had never in my life played at spanking or something like this . I couldn 't hit her hard because I had no experience with this and was afraid I would really hurt her . I tried to hit her just enough to make it interesting . " I think I will give you 10 swats . " And I started doing so . I took a few seconds between each one and made sure they were not too hard . In any case , by the time I finished , Cindy was moaning and her pussy was starting to actually leak her lubrication out and down her legs . I stared at it . Wow ! This was fucking amazing . After I finished the swats , I ran my hand down into her pussy and it was flooded with her juices . She was seriously aroused . I patted it and leaned over toward her head . " Are you a virgin little girl ? " " I 'm sorry , sir . I have not f β¦ had sex with anyone . I only meant that I broke my hymen on my mother 's toy . " " You are a nasty girl , aren 't you ? You have used your mother 's dildo to fuck yourself . You know that your mother is a little bit of a prude in the bedroom ? I bought that dildo for her and she won 't let me use it on her . I don 't know if anyone has used it except for my slutty little stepdaughter , but I 'm going to love fucking her slutty little girl . And you are going to love it when I thrust my big , hard dick into that tiny little cunt you have and fuck you like the slutty little bitch you are . " Cindy just moaned . I knew she loved the dirty talk . I shuffled on my knees behind her and lined my dick up with her hole . I started slowly thrusting into her and decided that this was not a good position because of the angle with the butt plug . I pulled out and Cindy groaned in disagreement with that . I went over to the table and came back with the handcuff keys . I unlocked her hands and removed the cuffs . I then pulled her up a little and removed her blindfold . " Come over here my little personal whore . I want you to fuck me on the couch . " I walked to the couch and sat down , my dick sticking straight up . Cindy looked at it hungrily and slowly clambered up over me . She put my dick into her cunt and started lowering herself onto it . I could feel the butt plug , but because she could arch her back differently , I felt like I had more room and was comfortable with fucking her . Cindy looked down at me and continued her role playing . I reached down and thumbed her clit while she was rocking back and forth and that set her off . She started jerking and jerking and threw her head back . Her mouth was open and she was breathing heavily as she came and came and came . When she finally relaxed she collapsed onto me , her head buried in my chest . I smiled as I thought of how good she looked when she was wrapped up in her orgasm . Finally , she leaned back and looked at me . I thought we were done with the role - playing , but apparently not . " Are you ready to cum , sir ? Do you want your stepdaughter to make you cum , sir ? " " Mmmm . Yes , I do . I want you to get off me and suck me like the brilliant cock - sucker you were born to be . Then you 're going to swallow every ounce of my cum and make me happy . " She got off me and knelt in front of me . She wasted no time in getting her mouth over my pussy soaked dick . She started licking and sucking . " Yes , sir . I love the taste of my pussy on your dick . " She pulled back to answer me , but put her mouth immediately back on me . She sucked me some and then pulled back to lick all around my dick and balls , slurping up all the girl cum that she had left all over my crotch . She cleaned that up the best way that she could and then resumed sucking . She put her mouth over my dick and went at it like a demon , fucking her mouth with my dick by bobbing up and down mercilessly , forcing it into her throat without prompting from me . I was in awe how she attacked my dick . Finally , I could feel the cum rising and my orgasm closing in . I told her I was going to cum and she brought her mouth to just around the crown and stared at my eyes as I reached nirvana . I spurted and spurted and spurted some more . I filled her mouth and she swallowed every drop as she continued to stare into my eyes . She was wonderful . She looked up at me . " No , thank you . I 've had this idea in my head for years and just wanted to try it once . Like I said , I wouldn 't trust most guys in that scenario . I always wanted to see what that felt like . I think I liked the light spanking and being controlled for a little while , but it 's not something that I want to do often . I 'm too much of a wild woman who likes to control sex . What did you think ? " I grinned and said jokingly . " I liked it , but I think I 'm more of a straight sex kind of guy . I 'm not really a spanking , demanding sort of guy . I like strong woman who I have to wrangle . " I gave her an evil grin . " However , you were a very good little slut for me and I think I like that idea . " " Well , we 'll see . " She stood up and I also got up . I picked her up in my arms and carried her up to her bedroom . My left arm was working well enough that there was very little discomfort from picking up this little pixie of a woman . She giggled the entire time . I put her in bed and climbed in with her . She smiled and threw her arms around me . I kissed her and we both turned to relax and get some sleep . Just as I was dozing off , I heard her whisper to me . " I love you , Jon Kenton . " I knew that she thought I was asleep and that I wasn 't supposed to hear that , but I did . I tried to determine how I felt about that , and I have to admit that I actually liked the idea of her falling in love with me . Was I in love with her ? When I thought about that , for the first time in a long time I didn 't see Lily . But I wasn 't sure about Cindy . I really liked her , and having sex with her , and she was really fun , but was that love ? Was that going to fulfill me ? I drifted off , wondering about all these things . The second week of January 2010 saw Buck in court and we all showed up to provide our testimony . It was a short trial and only took three days . The night before I had to testify I had the dream again . It was getting better each time , but still occurring . He tried to make it look like I just barged in and attacked Buck , but it didn 't come off very well . I had already testified and been taken through the attack by the prosecutor , so the defense attorney was just trying to poke holes in my story . He was not able to do so and his case was really nothing . The 911 call recording was pretty damning , too . By the close of business on the 14th Buck had been sentenced to 15 years . Lily was overjoyed , but his brother and father were not . They were angry , but kept away from us . I still remember what Lily said though , and kept my eye on them . " Sure . " He led me downstairs to the small cafeteria in the courthouse and he got a cup of coffee while I got a Diet Pepsi . " Jon , I 'll get right to the point . My assistant tells me that you have recently left the service and have not looked for work yet . Is that correct ? " " That 's correct . I have not done anything about that yet . I 've been worried about my mother and going to physical therapy for my shoulder . " " That 's good . Sorry to hear that she had bladder cancer . " I could see that he had checked this because I hadn 't said what she was receiving treatment for . " Jon , we are in need of an investigator . We are a small office and have never had one before , but with the explosion of the suburbs this far out from St . Louis , we have a new position that I am authorized to fill . I saw you in the courtroom and I know of your history . You don 't have any criminology background , but I believe we can assist with that . Are you at all interested ? " I thought about it for a second . It would keep me here , which was a double - edged sword . I was not as fond of these small towns as some folks , but my mother needed some attention for a while longer and I needed time for physical therapy . " I 'm interested . Can I come by later to talk about this ? " " Sure . It was authorized with the new calendar year , but I don 't have any other applicants at the moment . It will be available for a little while , but I do have to fill it , so don 't wait too long . " " I understand . " He handed me his card that he retrieved easily from his jacket pocket . " Just call me when you make up your mind one way or the other . " " No problem . " He stood and left and I tried to think about where I was trying to take my life . But I couldn 't make up my mind right now . I decided to head home and discuss it with my mother . And , of course , there was Cindy . My relationship with Cindy had been deepening . I was feeling more attached to her and wondered if maybe this was love . 30 January 2010 One Saturday Cindy and I went to a firing range . We took my 9mm and taught her how to assemble , disassemble , clear , load , and fire the weapon . The folks there were very helpful and by the time I was done , Cindy was much more comfortable around it . I just wanted her to be able to handle it and not be afraid of it . Her father had had weapons when she was young , but she never really learned anything about them . It was for the boys , not the girls to learn about firearms in her family . I made her fire about 50 rounds by reloading the magazines and learning how to do everything herself . After the range , we were at her place and Rhonda was upstairs getting ready for a date . I had just finished cleaning my weapon and laid it on the counter that they had between the kitchen and the small eating area when I brought up the subject that I had been waiting to discuss with her . I decided I had to tell her what I heard that night when she said she loved me after we enacted one of her fantasies . I had been thinking about this for a while and was getting a little attached to her myself . I decided that I had to discuss it . She just stared at me . " Okay . I hope nothing 's wrong . " I could hear the tension in her voice . I knew then that she was definitely getting attached to me . I didn 't want to upset her so I tried to calm her fears . I reached out and took her hand . " No , nothing like that . I think we need to discuss what you said that Friday night before Christmas after our little fantasy romp . I was almost asleep when I heard you say that you love me . " She stared at me and I could see tears forming in her eyes . I was a little shocked that this strong , independent , everyone - else - be - damned woman was getting so emotional . " Okay . " She looked down at her hands and I saw a tear leak out of her left eye and start to make its way down her cheek . She finally shook herself , wiped her cheek off , and seemed to steel herself for the conversation . When she spoke , her voice was firm and strong ; the independent woman was back . " Yes , Jon . It 's hard not to love you . You are a good man , a well - mannered man , and a good , considerate lover . I feel a connection with you I haven 't felt before . I 've never felt like I wanted to be with just one person before , but I do with you . " " I 'm sorry , of course not . Cindy , I 'm not sure I can define love or what it means to me , but I really enjoy being with you . I don 't care if we are eating , drinking , having sex , watching TV , or just reading . All of those things are better with you . " She smiled and another set of tears brimmed . She reached out and took my hand . " I can 't believe I fell in love with you so fast . I didn 't even want to go out with you at first because I thought you were still hooked on Lily . But you are so easy to fall for . I can 't believe that the other women you dated didn 't try to nab you . " I reached out and pulled her to my chest in a big hug . " Cindy , I 'm not ready to say that this is permanent because it 's been such a little amount of time , but I really like you . I want to be with you and see what happens . Is that okay for now ? " She looked up at me and rose up to give me a quick kiss . " That 's just fine , lover . At least I can say it out loud now , right ? I love you , Jon Kenton . " I smiled . " It must come from growing up with my mother and then being in the Army . Or it might have been that sophomore girlfriend I had when I was a senior . " " Smartass . " Rhonda stuck her tongue out at me and then turned to go upstairs . " Now if you 'll excuse me , you lovebirds have caused me to mess up my makeup , so I have to go back and fix it . If my date shows up , let him in and tell him I 'll be right down . " She scampered upstairs . I was happy with that and kissed her on top of her head . We watched the movie after Rhonda left and until the credits started rolling . Then Cindy attacked me on the couch . It was about 11pm and we were lounging there , having gotten dressed in case Rhonda returned when the doorbell rang . Cindy looked at me quizzically . " It 's late . Who could that be ? Did Rhonda forget her key ? " She stood up , but as she approached the door , I got a bad feeling and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up . It was a feeling that I hadn 't felt since Afghanistan . There was something wrong . " Cindy , wait ! " She turned towards me and frowned as she stopped about four feet from the door . I was moving toward the kitchen pass through where I had set down my weapon when the blast occurred . It was deafening , blowing parts of the door inward and knocking me to the floor . I was dazed for a moment by the noise and being knocked down and then looked toward the door . There was a man standing there peering through a hole that had been punched in the door by what had to be a shotgun and Cindy lay on the ground in a bloody heap . I tried to quickly see if she was alive or seriously hurt , but there was no movement . There was still a bit of debris and smoke lingering in the air and the guy didn 't see me because I was slightly out of sight behind the couch . My ears were ringing and everything was slightly muffled . As the man peering through the door withdrew I blinked a couple of times and suddenly the battle environment appeared to me . < i > The gray rocks came into focus . I could again hear the yelling of my men as they coordinated medical attention to the wounded and returned fire . I had been hit in the shoulder and my platoon sergeant was helping me up but telling me not to stand straight up . The smell of cordite and blood and sweat was back . The gray dust was being kicked up by the bullets thudding into the ground and zinging off the rocks around us . I got up and I could hear him tell the injured and assisting personnel to stay put and fix the enemy in place . He and I were going around the left flank . The man on the other side of the door stood up and reached inside through the hole to turn the latch for the lock and I leaped to my feet . I had to stop him so that I could get to the wounded . I reached up and grabbed my gun and one of the clips of hollow points that was in the bag where I was also carrying my cleaning kit . I had it loaded and cocked when he opened the door . I took my position and thought nothing of it as I put two into the center of his chest . I could see his eyes come up and focus on me and see what was happening just as I pulled the trigger . He was pushed back through the doorway by the slugs and I heard someone curse and scream . Then one of the elders came into view carrying what looked like a pump shotgun . He was shooting as he came around the corner and I ducked down behind the rocks . I knew he would keep coming , so I crawled forward and poked my gun around the corner of the large rock I was behind , roughly aiming it at where he should be . It was only 15 feet , so I had a good chance . I pumped three rounds in his direction and heard his surprised scream as one found him . I peeked around the corner to see him struggling to try to get up and hold his side where the round had evidently found him . His gun was on the floor and he was reaching for it . I stood up , walked to him and calmly put two rounds into the center of his chest . I went to tend to the wounded and as I assisted the wounded woman on the ground , I could hear other people outside the door . I jerked around , holding my weapon at the ready and saw nothing but scared civilians . < / i > I blinked and suddenly I was back in Illinois . I looked down at the wounded woman and could see that it was Cindy . I shook my head some more , trying to clear it completely . What the fuck just happened ? Cindy was breathing , but it was labored and her back and side were peppered with the shot from the shotgun . I was still a little confused at the change in scenery , but my military training took over . I could hear the neighbors all milling around outside and looking in , but I was too concerned about Cindy . I cradled her head and tried to comfort her as we waited for the ambulance . I grabbed the blanket that we had been cuddling under on the couch and wrapped it around her tightly , hoping to stem some of the blood flow and keep her warm . I don 't know if she heard me or not as I finally told her I loved her and that I would be there when she woke because she appeared to be in shock . She was breathing and had a pulse , but was definitely not recognizing me . Finally , I heard the sirens , both police and ambulance , but I stayed there with Cindy , holding her , comforting her . By the time they got there , I had the shakes from the adrenalin wearing off . The police arrived first and were quick to ascertain what had happened . They took all the weapons , including my gun and then the ambulance arrived . The paramedics rushed into the room and they loaded Cindy up . I tried to go with them , but the police wouldn 't let me leave . They wanted a statement since it was my gun that killed two men . I was angry and fought it , but to no avail . Cindy was whisked away without me . I turned to the younger of the two detectives who had arrived about 15 minutes after the initial police and ambulance . He looked so young I was surprised that he had enough experience to even be a detective . " Detective , I need to get to the hospital to see how my girlfriend is doing , so what else do you need from me right now ? Can 't we do this later ? " I was in no mood for administrative bullshit . He looked at me , and his answer was so condescending , I wanted to smack him . " Well , you just killed two men . I think I need to know more about that now , not later . " I stared at him . " My girlfriend was just taken to the hospital with life - threatening injuries . It doesn 't take a rocket scientist to see what happened here and I already explained it once . In fact , it doesn 't even take much of a detective to verify this , so I 'm going to head to the hospital . If you want me , you can meet me there and we 'll talk all you want . " I stopped and stared at him . I jerked my arm away , completely wrapped up in my desire to get to Cindy . " Unless you are going to arrest me , I 'm leaving . I 'll see you at the hospital . " I waited for him to say something about arresting me , but he didn 't . I saw him look over to an older detective who was also in plain clothes and talking to a couple of neighbors , checking their statements even thought they were mostly being gathered by the uniformed officers . The older detective came up to us . " Mr . Kenton , I 'll take you to the hospital . We 'll get there faster . " We got into an unmarked police car and he turned on the siren and we headed down the road at high speeds . He spoke to me as he drove . " You 're the Jon Kenton who was in the paper last year about a battle in Afghanistan ? " " I took Cindy to the range today so that she could learn to shoot it , too . We went back to her place where I showed her how to clean it . Who knew that several hours later some assholes would show up ? Just pure dumb luck that we aren 't both dead . " He thought about that for a second . " I believe you . And we can verify that you were at the range very easily . I 'm sure you 'll be cleared . Those two have a record of violent actions and have been arrested for it before . I also know that you put Buck in jail , so it 's obvious what their motive was . " It was just a few minutes later we arrived at the hospital . Cindy was in emergency surgery and the detective stayed with me . He called back and told the other officers that he was with me and then sat with me as we ate terrible junk food from a machine and waited β¦ and waited β¦ and waited . About an hour later a very distressed Rhonda showed up . She was in tears and I held her , trying not to cry , but feeling her sobbing in my arms made it hard for me to hold mine back . I was still trying to tell her that we were hopeful , but the longer Cindy was in surgery , the worse I felt . Rhonda got on the phone and called Cindy 's mother , who now lived in Florida . Her father had left and had never been seen again after their divorce when Cindy was young . And still we waited . The chairs were extremely uncomfortable and exhaustion was setting in . I was having trouble staying awake after the long day I had had . Finally , at 4am , a very exhausted looking surgeon came into the room and asked for Cindy 's kin . I stood up and walked to him , Rhonda joined me and the detective stood behind us . The doctor was a little confused at first , but the detective showed him his badge and told him that we were there for her and that he could tell us even thought we weren 't officially Cindy 's relatives . I don 't remember the doctor 's exact words . He said she died . That 's all I remember . I don 't remember how he said it or whether he was nice about it , just that it meant she was gone . Forever . I had just felt like I was in love with that woman and fate takes her away from me . After that I was in shock . I was stunned beyond anything I had ever had happen to me . I can vaguely remember being led to a chair and someone holding me , but that was it . When I realized where I was , it must have been quite a while later . Rhonda was clinging to my right side and I was sitting there , tears drying on my face as the police and medical personnel kept themselves busy . It felt different losing someone so dear to me so unexpectedly in the civilian world compared to it occurring in a combat zone . It was never easy , but the shock factor felt greater back in the real world . I extracted myself from Rhonda 's grasp and she looked at me , stopping her sobbing for a moment . I knew I had to get out of that hospital . The police took me home and I sleep - walked through the trip and getting into bed . Then I slept , tossing and turning , but never coming awake . I could barely remember anything after learning of Cindy 's death until I woke up the next day , about noon , ' The Dream ' running around in my head . Only now it included Buck 's brother and father amongst the Taliban fighters and Cindy in my platoon . I had incorporated them into my dream . I sure as hell hoped this was not going to last . I couldn 't take too many dreams like that and I really didn 't want to be stuck with visits to the shrink . I climbed out of bed and walked into the kitchen . My mother was there , red - eyed and sniffling . She looked up at me and burst into tears as she ran and held me . She kept repeating that she was sorry over and over and I stood there like a zombie . Read 25176 times | |
Caution : This Romantic Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Fa / Fa , Consensual , Drunk / Drugged , Lesbian , BiSexual , Heterosexual , Spanking , Light Bond , First , Oral Sex , Anal Sex , Sex Toys , Lactation , Desc : Romantic Sex Story : Chapter 1 - A story I wrote while experiencing writer 's block on Superflu . A young woman faces the consequences of her actions and tries to find her place in the world . There is some sex , but that is not the focus of the story . Joanna usually liked to see snow on Christmas , but this sucked . When she had pulled into her parent 's drive late on Christmas Eve she was exhausted from the drive . A trip that normally took six hours had been closer to ten , the roads were snow packed and slick , and the blowing snow made things worse . She remembered winter storms like this when she was a kid , but it had been years since central Illinois had gotten this much snow all winter . This one storm had dropped 12 inches so far and showed no signs of letting up anytime soon . She looked out the window of her second story bedroom and felt like crying . Her mom 's parents were gone , her dad 's in bad health and everyone knew this might be the last Christmas they got to share with them . Her younger brother John had made it home yesterday morning , so all her immediate family was here at least . But with the weather like it was making the hour drive to her Grandparent 's was out of the question . The light her father had installed over the machine shed door showed as a faint glow , blotted out by the falling snow . She couldn 't even see the outline of the barn . She remembered snow like this when she was a kid , storms that would strand the family on the farm for days , maybe a week , before the plows could get the roads open . It was often that the power would go out , limbs burdened by snow breaking and taking out the lines . Then the family would gather round the roaring fireplace and play board games or read by the light of kerosene lamps . In those days they had kept candles and matches in every room , and Mom had kept the pantry stocked . They had nowhere to go and everything they needed . It was quality family time and she had loved it . " He couldn 't find your room and came into mine , " Johnny explained in a whisper . " I was going to take him back to his room and saw your light on . What are you doing up at five in the morning ? " Joanna took Scottie from her brother and laid the three year old down on her bed . His Superman pajamas were getting small she thought as she pulled the sheets and down comforter over his shoulders . " I couldn 't sleep , " she said to her brother . He leaned against the doorway , waiting . " It 's this storm , " she explained . " Grandpa and Grandma aren 't doing too well and I really wanted to spend Christmas with them , but now we 'll never make it . Johnny , it 's nearly a blizzard out there . " She wiped a tear from her eye as he wrapped her in a hug . At six foot six he towered over her , her face resting on his chest . He kissed the top of her head , assuring her that if it was at all possible they would make it to their Grandparents ' house for Christmas . " Go back to sleep , we 're not leaving until ten or so . You had a rough day of travel yesterday and the rest will do you good . " Joanna laughed at him as he pushed her into the bed and pulled the covers over her . He tucked her in like a child and she smiled at him . " Oh , playing like you 're the big brother now ? " she said with a giggle . He merely smiled before heading back to his own room , closing the door as he left . It had been four years ago when she had stood outside Scott 's door in a lightly falling snow . Tears had streamed down her face while his was a mask of iron , his grey eyes that normally twinkled with merriment turned hard as steel . They had been high school sweethearts , dating since their freshman year . They had shared so many things , their first date , first kiss , had even given their virginities to each other . Scott had been so romantic for that night , even rented a posh suite in Springfield and taken her to an expensive restaurant . He had made the night everything a girl could wish for . It was a foregone conclusion by their friends and family that they were going to get married . Everyone thought so , even Scott , until that day she had stood in the snow and told him it was over . She said she had met someone at college , Scott and she were going to different schools , and had fallen in love with them . She said she didn 't love him anymore . Scott had gone white , told her he wished her the best , and turned and walked away . It was one week later she found out she was pregnant . She knew when it had happened . Scott had made a surprise visit on a weekend , driving nearly four hundred miles to spend one day with her , before driving back on Sunday . She knew he had noticed something was different when they made love , as she was trying then to get up the courage to tell him she had been with someone else . She had never told Scott he was a father . He had dropped out of college and joined the Navy , signing up as soon as the recruitment offices opened after the holiday . By the time she had worked up the courage to tell her parents she was pregnant he was away at basic training . When her parents asked about him she had shrugged it off , leaving them to draw the conclusion that he knew , but didn 't want anything to do with her or her coming child . The next year had been hard ; she had worked diligently to keep her grades up , and had taken a semester off when Scottie was born . She and some girlfriends had rented a large five bedroom house not far from campus , and the girls had all pitched in to baby sit when she was in class . She still missed Scott horribly , and agonized over the decision she had made . But it had been for the best . She had cheated on Scott and knew she had killed the love he had for her , she had seen it in his face that day . She had written him a letter a week later , but had never posted it . It was still in a shoebox on the shelf of the closet in this room , along with other mementos of her childhood . She thought back to that night her freshman year . She had just begun to realize the freedom she had by not having her parents around , and by being away from the small community where she was raised . There everyone knew everyone and everything that happened . You couldn 't keep a secret in a small farming community , but at college , she was just one more young girl in a sea of such pretty faces . You could do whatever you wanted and no one cared . She had accepted an invitation from her roommate Danielle , another freshman , to go to a party off campus . It had been a thrill , oh she had drank beer before , but never to excess . Scott was a social drinker , and she had followed his lead . But that night she had gotten hammered . Her roommate had kept pushing her to drink more and more and before long she was feeling quite giddy . They had finally called it a night , staggering out the front door of the house . They had stopped to watch two older girls making out on the front porch , the girls oblivious to their audience . One of the girls had her hand down the others pant 's ; obviously fingering her while they tried to tie their tongues in a knot . There were no lesbians , or at least not open ones , in Joanna 's home town and she was rather shocked , and to her surprise , turned on by the show . Danielle caught on to her arousal quickly , but just giggled and pulled her away . The two had staggered home in the autumn night air , discussing the two girls on the front porch , and struggled up the stairs to their small room . It was a good thing the room was so small , for once the door was closed Joanna practically collapsed , landing half on the bed . Her roommate , who had a higher tolerance to alcohol , got Joanna undressed and under the covers . She had then struggled to climb into the upper bunk , but fell down twice . The noise had stirred Joanna and she had laughingly told Danielle to crawl in bed with her before she hurt herself . The other girl had taken her up on the offer and the two lay on their sides facing each other giggling . Suddenly Danielle leaned in and kissed her , not a chaste kiss , but one filled with passion . Joanna was shocked , but being extremely horny from watching the two girls at the party , their subsequent discussion , and in her drunken state , just lay there . Joanna found her first taste of pussy intoxicating and couldn 't get enough of it . She and Danielle had remained exclusive after Joanna and Scott had broken up , and Danielle had been there for her all through the pregnancy . After Scottie was born it had been Danielle who helped Joanna find the house she now shared with Danielle and two other girls , all now seniors . The other two were lovers also and having their own place away from prying eyes and nosy family was ideal . It was a year later that Joanna had her first experience with a woman other that Danielle . Late one night after Scottie had been fed and put down the girls all gathered in the shared living room to watch a romantic comedy on DVD . Joanna , who was breast feeding , laughed so hard her breast started leaking . This led to Danielle offering their roomies a taste , which both mortified and excited Joanna . Her raging hormones didn 't help her in the least and when the two girls latched onto a breast each and began to suckle and giggle at the same time , she came immediately . Seeing this Danielle had dropped to her knees and pulled Joanna 's sweats down around her ankles . While the two girls continued to drain her engorged breast of milk , Scottie hadn 't eaten much before falling asleep , Danielle had buried her tongue and two fingers into her lover , sending Joanna into orbit time after time . Joanna had gone down on each of them later that night , and found she liked pussy in general . She had only tasted one up to that point , and while she found each had a slightly different odor and taste , she liked them all . She had never gathered the courage to tell her parents , although Johnny knew about her lesbian lover . He also knew she was the one who broke it off with Scott , and why . He also knew that she had never told Scott he was a father , although he had urged her time and again to contact him , even going so far as to write down her ex - boyfriends cell phone number for her . She had dialed it too many times to count , but could never hit the final button to place the call , always chickening out . The look on his face would pop up ; its memory telling her he would never forgive her . She knew subconsciously that Scott had to know she was a mother , that kind of gossip flew through a small community , but figured he would think some other guy had fathered her son . After all , she had admitted to cheating on him . She wasn 't shocked to see quite a few more presents than she had brought along under the tree . Her parents had a knack for spoiling their only grandchild , and she didn 't have the heart to rebuke them . She sipped a cup of coffee her brother brought her while munching on one of her mother 's homemade cinnamon rolls . The things were the size of a dinner plate , and one of them made a great breakfast . She gathered with the family as Scottie tore into his gifts , his delight at opening each new package was refreshing . He went through the pile of gifts like a mini tornado , paper flying everywhere . When she started to say something to him her father smiled and told her to let him be . She had to admit , he was a rather polite tornado , quickly and sincerely thanking someone who had gotten him a gift , when it was pointed out to him . Soon Scottie was done , and his mess cleaned up . He rushed off to play with his new toys , and the adults sat down to open their gifts . Joanna thought about looking outside , to see if the snow had quit yet , but put it off . Pretending there was still a chance to make it to her Grandparents made it easier to enjoy the morning with her immediate family . Soon all the gifts but those set aside for the trip were opened and Joanna finally made her way to the front door . She was happy to see the snow had stopped and the sun was shining . But when she stepped onto the covered porch , her robe pulled tight around her , she knew they were snowed in . The whole world was white , as far as she could see . The lane out to the county road was blocked by drifts which buried all but the very tops of the fence posts , in some places even covering all of the woven wire stretched tight between them . She felt a tear trickle down her cheek and quickly wiped it away . She turned to go back inside and nearly ran into her brother . " Hey sis , better get inside and get dressed , " he said with a smile . " You don 't want to make us late . " Joanna met his eyes , the hope there brief , quickly smothered by tears . " Johnny don 't you dare get my hopes up , I remember winters like this and I know we 're snowed in . We aren 't going anywhere for several days . And I have to be back to work on Monday . " " Hey , don 't cry , " her brother said , hugging her to him . " I 'll get you there , I promise . Now go inside and get dressed . " Joanna gave him a searching look before turning and going into the house . She saw Johnny step off the porch into snow that nearly reached his waist . He glanced back at her with a smile , and then begin making his way slowly around the house , busting a path through the loose powdery snow . She shook her head , and then pulled the door closed behind her . " I think one of Johnny 's old suits will fit Scottie just fine , hurry and get dressed dear , I 've already got one of my old suits laid out for you , it should fit . Put on some extra socks , it 's going to be a cold ride . " She bustled off with several suits in her hands , calling for Scottie . " Joanna , get dressed , we 're all waiting for you , " he said with a grin , his cheeks rosy from the cold . Joanna sat down and began feeding her legs into the suit . " Honey , we need to talk . " Something in his tone made Joanna 's heart leap into her throat but she forced herself to pull a boot on , tucking the leg of the down filled suit into the high top and lacing it up . " I found the letter you wrote Scott after you broke it off with him . " Her father 's voice was soft , carrying no condemnation or anger . " I think you made a mistake in not telling him everything , and I hope you 're mature enough to realize that . I know things haven 't been easy the last three years , but you have done a wonderful job . Scottie couldn 't ask for a better mother , but a boy needs a father too . I hope you don 't hate me for it , but I did what you couldn 't . " Joanna 's head snapped up , meeting her father 's gaze . " Honey , I sent that letter to Scott . " Joanna turned white , freezing with one arm half in the suit , her heart pounding . Honey , Scott 's home on leave and staying at his old house . Without his help we wouldn 't be able to make the trip to Grandpa and Grandma 's . When it became apparent that this storm was going to shut everything down Scott and Johnny dug out the old snowmobiles and started getting them going . Joanna could tell he was building up to something but was only half listening . Her thoughts were a turmoil , ' Scott knew , how could her dad do this , oh my God , what if Scott tried to take Scottie from her , Oh God , he KNEW . Could he ever forgive her , could she forgive herself ? " Joanna , honey , listen to me . I said all that because , well , John and Scott could only get three sleds going . Your mom and I will take one , and we 'll be pulling one of the trailers with the gifts . Johnny will drive the second and the back seat is piled high with the rest of the gifts and such . The third one has the small heated trailer I made when you kids were little , Scottie 's in it . This brought Joanna 's racing thoughts to a screeching halt . She looked at her dad , his face smeared by the tears in her eyes . " How could you dad ? You should have talked to me , let me make that decision . What am I going to say to him , good God Dad , let him drive the sled with the presents , Johnny can drive to one with Scottie and I . " " Joanna , " her Father 's voice was firm , " you and Scott need to talk . He has agreed to drive you to Dad 's and he 'll drop you off and go home . But you need to talk to him and this will give you two time alone . " Joanna was at a loss for what to do , she knew her father , and when he made up his mind that something was the RIGHT thing to do , nothing would sway him . Her father stepped behind her , helping her the rest of the way into her suit . She stood to her feet , pulling the zipper on the suit closed . Tugging on her gloves she gave a sigh of resignation . " Let 's get this over with , " she muttered as she headed out the back door . Joanna strode out the door , determined to face what lay ahead . When she saw the broad shouldered figure standing beside the snowmobile her step faltered and she slipped , almost going down . Someone grabbed her , and she looked up into Scott 's slate grey eyes , the same ones she had seen on his porch four years ago . She realized in that moment that the carefree young man she had loved was gone , driven away by her betrayal . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , her voice cracking . " Oh Scott , I 'm so sorry . " " Hush , we 'll talk about it later . " His voice was firm , but she detected something in it , some small tremor of emotion and for the briefest of moments , a flicker of the old flame in his eyes . It was over in a heartbeat , and he had pulled her to her feet , steadying her with a firm hand . " Scottie 's tucked in the trailer and the heater 's working fine . " Scott nodded to the small covered contraption her father had devised years ago . It was nothing more than a box on skis , designed to be pulled behind the snowmobile . It had clear plastic windows , yellowed a little with age , set into a canvas top . A small propane heater kept the interior warm as any house , and she knew Scottie would be safe inside it . She and Johnny had ridden in it when they were small , accompanying their parents on their rides . She felt pressure against her arm and looked down . Scott was handing her a helmet , its glossy black exterior dulled a little with age . " The radios still work , so you and I can talk if you want . I 've got a radio on the sled so I can talk to your dad and John . We 're all ready when you are . " His sentence was punctuated by the roar of the other sleds being started . Joanna settled the helmet on her head , Scott helping her strap it on . His strong fingers brushed her fumbling ones aside , his touch sending shivers down her body . He pulled his helmet on , fastening the chin strap . His voice was loud in her ears and she jumped . " Get on behind me , oh sorry about that , the volume control is on the left side , near the bottom . " Joanna found the knob , and when it wouldn 't turn one way , turned it the other . When it hit the stop she turned it back just a little . The sled roared to life between her legs , and she heard Scott say something , his voice over powered by the roar of the engine . She made another adjustment and caught the words ' hold on ' clearly . She wrapped her arms around Scott , holding on as the sled lurched forward , it 's movements a little erratic as Scott maneuvered over and around the large drifts in the lane . When they got to the road they crossed it and headed out into the field on the other side . Here the snow was smoother , leveled by the wind and the ride smoothed out , the cold wind whistling by her helmet . " You don 't have to yell . " She could hear the amusement in Scott 's voice . " The audio pick up is top of the line , just speak in a normal tone and I 'll hear you just fine . I said that there are hand warmers in my pockets if your fingers get cold . " Joanna slipped her hands into the pockets on his coat , feeling the warmth put off by the small packets . ' Just like Scott to always think ahead and it was a nice idea . She could hold on and keep her hands warm at the same time . ' She pulled herself tight to his broad back , as he hunkered lower . She remembered this from rides with her dad , him leaning over to take advantage of the windshield , her using his body as a windscreen . She realized Scott 's back was broader than she remembered , and his body under the snow suit felt like iron . He had always been in good shape , playing both football and baseball for their high school . Now he felt like a bodybuilder , his broad shoulders tapering to a trim waist . She found herself thinking back on the times they had shared , and surprising herself , the love she had felt for him . She was startled to realize she still had feelings for him , and it confused her . Hell she was a lesbian now , how could she be feeling like this about a boy . She rode in silence , her mind trying to figure the whole thing out . She realized she hadn 't once tried to sit down and reason out the path her life had taken . She had merely gone with the flow , taking the path of least resistance . The only time she had really done any true soul searching was when she had penned the letter to Scott , the night after she had found out she was pregnant . The thought of that letter in his hands caused her to shudder . It really hadn 't been a letter to Scott , more of a letter to herself , trying to work through what she was feeling . She wondered now how he had taken it , and what he would do now that he knew for sure Scottie was his son . Scott had felt her shudder and wondered if she was cold . When he asked , she answered that she was fine . She wasn 't though , and it felt like her whole world was about to collapse . She had carefully structured her life to make it easier on her , and now it was all being torn down . She hadn 't told Scott she was pregnant , she hadn 't told her family she was a lesbian ; she hadn 't told Scott he was a father : the list went on and on . So many things she had done or hadn 't done to keep others from asking hard questions or interfering with her plans . Now Scott knew he was the father of her baby , he knew she had deliberately not told him to prevent him feeling obligated to marry her . She had written of how she had seen his love for her die in his eyes and would not make him live in a loveless marriage . But she had been honest also , well as honest as she could be at that point , she had told of how she was in love with another woman , and if she had to refuse to marry Scott her parents would want to know why . They would be suspicious and might figure out that their daughter was a carpet muncher . Well she hadn 't said it in those words but . . . Scott had said something and she was too lost in her thoughts to catch it . She asked him to repeat it , and heard silence for a moment . " Can we talk now ? " he asked . " Or would you rather wait and do it later . I know your Dad and John kind of sprang this on you this morning . You must be feeling out of sorts right now , so if you don 't want to talk about it now , I understand . But we will need to talk about it , and about the future . " " The future ? " She hadn 't liked the sound of that , was he going to try to take Scottie ? He must have heard the panic in her voice , for he tried to reassure her with his next words . " Don 't worry , I 'm not going to fight you for custody . I do want to be part of Scottie 's life , but I 'm sure we can work something out . My occupation takes me away for long periods of time and I won 't be able to be there for him all the time , but when I 'm home , I would like to be able to spend time with him . " " I 'm in the Navy , the SEALs to be exact . Sometimes I 'm home for months , other times I could be gone for a year or more . It all depends on our current assignment . " " I was wounded on our last mission , hit in the shoulder by some shrapnel . Its better now , but my shoulder isn 't back to 100 % yet , and the docs won 't release me for active duty until it is . " Scott paused for a moment , collecting his thoughts . " Jo , when I heard you were pregnant I was in Basic Training . I thought about calling , but I honestly figured that was why you broke up with me . I mean , I thought you were carrying another guy 's baby . As soon as I could I applied for the SEAL training . I never even considered that I might be the father until about a year ago . " " I was home for a short leave and someone mentioned your son 's name . At the time I wondered , but decided that since you had wanted me out of your life , I wouldn 't interfere . I mean , I still had my doubts . If I had known for sure , well , I don 't know what I would have done . I didn 't have the time to pursue it either , as I was headed overseas . " " Your right , " she said , " and Scottie is getting to the age where he needs you around . Scott , I know I didn 't do the right thing , not telling you I mean . I 'm sorry , I truly am . It 's just , well I didn 't want to make you feel obligated , and I knew the kind of man you were . Your honor would have demanded you marry me and take care of us . I couldn 't do that , I mean , I 'm a lesbian for Christ sake . How would that have worked ? " " You are ? " Scott 's question caught her by surprise . What was he asking ? Did he not believe she was a lesbian ? Danielle and she were still together , and Danielle wasn 't the only woman she had made love too . And there was no denying she enjoyed sex with a woman , so that made her a lesbian right ? " No ! ! " she blurted out . How could he think that ? " God no Scott , sex with you was wonderful , I just , well changed , I guess . " " You did ? Overnight ? I mean , one night with another girl and you suddenly hate men , the thought of a hard cock pounding in you makes you nauseous ? You suddenly hated the taste of my cum , which the day before you loved ? I 'm not buying it Jo , there 's something else going on here , and we both know it . " Joanna thought back to that first night and the subsequent day with Danielle . How had that time changed her so drastically ? She remembered asking Danielle the same questions , weeks after she had broken up with Scott . She had told Danielle she hated being a lesbian , as it had wrecked her whole life . The other girl had held her and comforted her , told her it wasn 't her fault , that the world made it hard on people like them . Danielle had gone on about how it wasn 't fair , but she had to be strong . She had promised to be there for Joanna , and she had kept that promise . Something in those memories stirred in the back of Joanna 's head , something she had been too close to see until now . And that thought began a vicious cycle of doubt . She didn 't suddenly doubt that she liked girls , but she did begin to doubt if she was truly a lesbian . And most importantly , she began to doubt Danielle . " She told me I was a lesbian , " her voice was thick with tears , " and that I had to break up with you . I had just spent the whole day in her arms , and I knew I had cheated on you , had killed the love we had , but I couldn 't stop . It felt so good Scott , God the times she made me come , the feel of her body next to mine . She 's right in a way , I am a lesbian , but you 're right too , I love you , and love the way you made me feel . " " I liked sex with you Scott , I liked it a lot , and sometimes late at night I still think about us . That night you took my cherry , God a girl could never imagine her first time being so special . Hell , most of my friends lost their cherry in the back seat of a car somewhere . And there are times I still miss you , and wish things had never happened like they did . " " But then , I like being with girls too , I like the feel of their body next to mine , I like the taste of them , the way their breasts feel against mine . What 's that make me ? Totally fucked up I guess . " Joanna stopped suddenly , embarrassed by what she had said . God she had just poured out everything to him . Of course , that was one of the things she had always liked about Scott , she could tell him anything . God , he must think she was a total nut case . " I know what it makes you , " his voice had a purr to it that she remembered so well . That growl was in his voice every time they had made love . " It makes you bi - sexual . " He couldn 't have shocked her more if he had hit her . Was he right ? It would explain so much , but Danielle had told her . . . She was beginning to realize Danielle had said a lot of things that she should have examined more closely . That was one of the other things Scott was good at , getting her to look at things objectively , to not take something or someone at face value . " I hope you realize you 've created a problem up here , " his voice cut into her thoughts , the passion in his voice more pronounced . Without thinking she dropped her hands from his waist to his thigh . Sure enough the bulge along his left leg gave away his reaction to her words . What , the thought of her with another woman turned him on ? Was he excited by the thought of her and Danielle in bed together ? " Jo , if you had told me it was another girl you had cheated on me with that night , I honestly don 't know how I would have reacted . It might not have changed a thing . But over the last two weeks I 've thought about it more and more , and to be honest , I think I would like to see that . " He reached down and took her hand in his , giving it a squeeze . " You better stop stroking me or I 'm going to make a mess in my pants . " His voice was half serious , half joking . Joanna realized she had been stroking his length through his clothing and pulled her hand back like she had been burned . She sat up , creating space between them while her thoughts raced . " Scott , could we stop and check on Scottie ? " she asked suddenly . He slowed the sled , the others pulling away . Opening his face shield he brought the hand held radio he used to communicate with the other two sleds to his face . " John , were going to stop and check on Scottie . We 'll catch up in a few minutes . " John was on the lead sled and slowed slightly while answering back . After being reassured everything was alright , he and Joanna 's parents headed out again , a little slower though , to give Scott time to catch up . Joanna had climbed off as soon as the sled stopped , removing her helmet . Brushing the snow the sled 's track had thrown on the front of the trailer off and peering through the window she saw Scottie was fast asleep and could feel the heat from the interior against her gloves . She turned back to Scott , her mind made up . " This doesn 't mean anything , I just need to see if I still like it , " she said as she fumbled at Scott 's zippers . It took her a moment to fish him out of the layers of clothing and he gasped when the cold air hit him . His gasped turned to a groan as she wrapped him in her lips , her tongue already flicking at the base of his helmet . She hadn 't lost her touch and within two minutes he called her name in warning . She merely sucked harder , speeding up the motions of her head as it bounced up and down in his lap . With a shudder he grabbed her shoulders gushing into her mouth . She continued sucking through his orgasm , intent on getting every drop . She had removed her glove at some point and her fingers were a little cold as she stroked him , milking out the last of his cum . " Still taste great , " she said with a grin as she tucked him back in , careful not to catch him as she zipped him up . Scott sat sideways on the seat , still in shock . " Come on , let 's get going , the others will worry if we don 't catch up soon . " Scott shook his head as he called Johnny and advised them all was well with Scottie and they would be catching up soon . Joanna gathered her long blond hair , pulled her helmet and gloves on and climbed back on behind Scott , molding herself to him . Scott smiled as he fired up the motor revving the throttle as he started off . He followed the track of the other sleds , his mind trying to work through what had just happened . " I lied , " Joanna said softly . " It did mean something . " She wrapped her arms around him and snuggled closer . Her next words were so soft he almost missed them . " I 'm not sure what though . " Several replies came to mind , but Scott bit his tongue . It was his experience that the wrong thing said at a time like this could be very bad . He also knew that silence would be bad , as she might take it the wrong way . " When you figure it out , let me know , " he said quietly . " I 'll wait . " It must have been the right thing to say for she squeezed him a little tighter , rubbing her helmeted cheek against his back . " So why didn 't you call me after you got the letter Dad sent you ? " Her tone wasn 't accusatory , just curious . She knew her father claimed he had tried to contact her , but she hadn 't gotten any calls from him . " I tried ; some girl named Danielle answered the phone every time . She finally said you didn 't want to talk to me and to stop calling or you were going to get a restraining order . " Joanna started to deny that Danielle would have done that , and then paused . She was just beginning to realize how manipulative Danielle had been , and knew that Scott wasn 't lying . Scott had never lied to her , of that she was certain . " She 's my girlfriend , and knows who you are , " Joanna explained . " She 's also the one who convinced me to break up with you after she and I , well , you know . " Scott grunted acknowledgement , his thoughts racing . " She sounded pretty upset the last time I called . So what are you going to tell her ? " Scott hoped he wasn 't pushing Joanna too much . " Oh God , I don 't know . I 'm not sure what is going on yet , or how this is all going to work out . I do know that she and I are going to have a talk about how she has been lying to me , and trying to control my life . Hell , controlling my life , I just didn 't realize it until now . " Scott reached up and patted her hands where they were clenched around his chest . " Ok , just don 't shut me out this time , please . Whatever you decide to do , be honest with me , and tell me all of it . " He slowed the sled , making a wide turn . Joanna looked up to realize they were pulling into her Grandparent 's drive . Scott stopped the sled and shut the motor off , the sudden silence filled by shouts from the door as her Uncles , Aunts , and assorted cousins called out greetings . She pulled her helmet off , waving at them as she turned to the trailer to get Scottie . Scott was already bent over the now open trailer , pulling their sleeping son out of the car seat he was ensconced in . He cradled the boy gently , kissing his cheek as he passed him to a waiting Joanna . " Jo , " he called as she turned to head to the house , " I forgive you . " He drew a deep shuddering breath . " We were both just kids , and I know you were confused . I think you could have handled it a lot better , and I wish I hadn 't missed the first three years of his life , but I understand , and I forgive you . " Joanna stood with tears streaming down her face , she knew Scott , and if he said he forgave her , he meant it . He would put the past behind them and work toward making their future , whatever it turned out to be , the best it could be under the circumstances . Grabbing his hand she tugged him toward her waiting relatives , intent on including him in his son 's life as much as possible . |
I have been keeping my right foot elevated with a chair and this pillow and yesterday Ben decided that the pillow was a perfect place for a nap . He 's so cute . This morning I went back to the doctor and I am still waiting to feel better . I will be going for treatments everyday through next week and then will go to every other day . All of the staff has been wonderful and always nice to me , which makes it nice . After the doctor I did some grocery shopping and then did laundry . It was actually a very quiet day , but as usual by 5pm I was exhausted . I noticed today that local TV programs are soooooo boring on Saturdays . There was nothing on but basketball and paid programming . Maybe I miss cable a little bit . Tomorrow is someones birthday : I can 't believe she will be 22 tomorrow . She may actually out live me . Yesterday I was not feeling well and pretty sore so I decided to take the day off from work . Not only am I really sore , but I get tired so easily . I am having problems with my right ankle ( and leg ) so walking anywhere has been a struggle and just wears me out . I am having back spasms , neck spasms and pain and just overall feel like crap . I am having trouble sleeping at night because I can 't get in a position that is comfortable . I feel so old . I started my treatments yesterday for my neck , back and right ankle . Right now I am mainly getting warm electrical treatments on the muscles . It feels so good and they put a huge heating pad on my back during the treatments . When I am laying there I feel no pain . The Doctor has tried to do some adjustments , but I have a lot more healing to do before he can actually do some good . I go every day ( including Saturdays ) for the treatments and I am waiting for the day when I start feeling better afterwards . Right now I feel a little more sore when I leave , but the Doctor has guaranteed me that soon I will feel better . I hope so . I have an appointment on Tuesday with a lawyer and I feel good about that . Until I made that appointment I kind of felt alone in this whole thing and now I know that I will soon have someone out there working for me to help me recover what I have lost in this whole mess . Yesterday the claims adjuster called me and offered me $ 3000 less for my car then what I owe . I really had no choice but to settle with the property damage . My car is being brought to a lot in Kansas City , so hopefully Monday I can go get my things out of the car . I am going to take a lot more pictures of the car as well . I think the ones I have are good , but I don 't think it will hurt to take some more in different views . I am going to try to pry off the H that is in the back for a memento . Since the back is all smashed up , I don 't think they will notice or care . Yesterday I took my cable box and turned it in , so I am on day 2 without cable . A co - worker is letting me use his digital convertePosted by Today has been a hard day . I heard from the claims adjuster and the amount they are going to pay me for my car and the amount I owe is about $ 3000 short . I guess I shouldn 't say " I owe " because Laura 's name is on the title and loan as well . I decided that I don 't need to talk to her anymore and will be giving the claims adjuster her name and number so he can coordinate with her to sign off on the title . It will be nice having no more ties to her . I know that I will get through this and probably be stronger , but it 's just a struggle right now to see how it 's all going to work out . I know I just need to trust the process and maybe this experience is teaching me how to stop worrying about things I have no control over . Now I start looking for a car . It 's probably going to take another week for all the paperwork to be signed , etc and then I will have 5 more days with the rental car . I am hoping to go looking for a car next week and hopefully I can find something fairly cheap and something I would like . Tomorrow I am shutting off my cable and home phone . One of the shows that I am going to miss is the one with the Duggars . ( the family with 18 kids ) Tonight the oldest son gets married , so I am happy that I get to see this episode . Getting rid of cable will mean no more Little House , but thankfully one of my wonderful blogger friends sent me the first season on DVD last year . I am even thinking of not having cable once I move . I watch too much TV anyway , so hopefully not having cable will mean I will do more reading or spend time outside . Plus once I move , I will have S to entertain me . And to me . . . . . that is way better then cable TV . : ) I just keep telling myself that it will all work out . I have no idea how . . . but I have faith that it will . This morning one of my co - workers took me to get my rental car . I got a brand new Ford Focus . It 's so new that there was only 50 miles on it when I got in it . It 's a cute little car , but I really do miss my Honda . : ( There is part of me that really hopes they just total it because I know if they fix it I could still have problems , but it 's hard because I really loved the car . I left a message for the adjuster today to see if he had heard anything about my car . I am anxious to get my belongings out of the car . My day at work was good . I do so much walking at my job and I really noticed how sore I am . I called and got a claim # so I can now go to the doctor and have an appointment tomorrow at 9am . Today I was standing talking to one of my techs and all of a sudden I got a horrible back spasm . I have never had one before and it literally took my breathe away . Last night I woke up at 3am and had spams in my legs and had trouble getting back to sleep . I turned in my official notice at work and my last day will be March 12 . I started telling my techs , which has been very hard . Most of them have been shocked and very upset . There are a lot of changes going on at work and I know my timing is really bad , but this is an opportunity I can 't pass up . I called about this house today : It 's still for rent , so I sent off my application and hopefully it will soon become my home . I already feel like it 's my home and I am already thinking of ways I want to decorate the inside and of course the outside during the holidays . : ) Tonight I stopped and gave notice of my apartment as well . So . . . it 's all official now . There is a lot to do between now and mid - March , but I feel so good about all of it . And with all the stuff I am selling I won 't have as much to move . I may have a lot less " stuff " , but life is still really good . I finally got a call from the claims adjuster and he said that after talking with the other driver they most likely will accept responsibility for the accident . He also set me up with a car rental , so it will be nice to have a car again . We are suppose to get some bad weather tonight , so hopefully I can find someone to take me to pick the car up tomorrow . I am suppose to go back to work tomorrow , but boy is my head hurting . I have had a headache since the accident and today it seems to have gotten worse . I think I am going to try to get into to see someone tomorrow . I still have a knot on the back of my head and my neck hurts when I bend it back or to the side . I really do need to go to work because there are a few things I need to take care of since I have accepted another job . I sold my coffee table and end tables and they were picked up tonight . I am also selling my kitchen table and chairs and several other things . It 's going to be a struggle coming up with the money for my taxes / tags and deposit for a new place , but I know I can do it . I am also going to be shutting off my cable and home phone this week , which will save me $ 100 / month . S is going to lend me one of the DTV converters she has so I will have some reception . And of course I will keep my Internet since I have a slight addiction to the net . Downsizing and simplifying my life feels good and something I should have done a long time ago . It will be a fresh start all the way around and I can 't wait . I took these pictures of Ben last night . He loves to lay on the chair where my computer usually is . Normally when I set the computer on the chair he will get up and move , but last night he just stood there . Since I got home last night Ben wants to be right next to me . I really feel he senses that something happened to me and just wants to give me comfort . I love my babies . I am done feeling sorry for myself . Even though I may not understand it right now , everything happens for a reason ; even this car wreck . I took this picture of Sophie yesterday morning before I dropped her off at my friends house . This picture is a reminder of all I have to be thankful for . So tonight this is what I am thankful for : * I am thankful that Sophie was not with me when I had the accident . * Part of the reason I was hit was because I was turning left into a Burger King because I had to use the bathroom . I am thankful that I did not pee my pants when the wreck happened . : ) * I am thankful that S was just 30 minutes away from the wreck . I am also thankful that I got to spend the afternoon , evening and night with her and allow her to just love and hold me . Her love is the best cure for anything bad . * I am thankful that I was not seriously hurt . I am sore , but thankful that I wasn 't driving faster then my very busy guardian angels . * I am thankful that my call with Laura went OK . * I am thankful for all my friends who have called me , helped me get home , and just told me they love me and are there for me . * I am thankful for Craigslist because I have made some extra money tonight by selling some things . ( anyone want to buy an iPod ? ? ) Life is still very good and I have so much to be thankful for . And yes , I have been through things a lot worse in the last year . . . . I can handle this . My poor LuLu . . . . . Please keep me in your prayers . I have no idea what I am going to do because the Kelly Blue Book value of my car is probably about $ 2 - 3 , 000 less then what I owe on it . I feel so helpless sitting in my apartment away from the woman that I love and I have no car , I am not sure how long it 's going to take for his insurance to kick in and get me a car rental and I have no money to get myself a rental and then be reimbursed . Oh , and because my tags had expired ( I was trying to save for the taxes on the car . . . long story ) I got a ticket for expired tags . I have until 2 / 23 / 09 to come up with the $ 1300 for them . I am trying really hard to have a positive attitude , but right now it 's so hard to see how I am going to find myself out of this mess . I know I have made bad decisions and I wish I had done things differently . I have to make a phone call today that I really don 't want to make . I have to call Laura to tell her because her name was on the car and she needs to know and will probably need to sign some paperwork . She is the last person I want to talk to right now . I have a knot on the back of my head that is killing me . I am pretty sure it is from my head hitting the back of my seat . This morning when I woke up I was laying on my back and I was in so much pain that it took me a few minutes to roll over to my side . If I can find a way to the Dr . tomorrow I might try to get it . It 's weird because I think I feel OK and then I do something and my body reminds me that it is hurting . My car is 1 . 5 hour away from me and I am worried about my belongings in it . They wouldn 't give me time to get my stuff out because they had to get my car off the highway and once it was on the tow truck it was officially his property and he said I had to wait until the insurance company paid the bill . In the car was Brady 's collar ( I had it around the gear shift ) and the tag from his collar . I am completely overwhelmed right now . . . . . . . . . . . On my way to S 's house someone hit me from behind and my car is most likely totaled . I was turning left into a Burger King ( I had to use the bathroom ) when this person did not see that I was turning and hit me . My trunk was pushed into my back seat and the impact pushed the car 200 feet . I am pretty sore and not too sure what I am going to do now . This really was a horrible time for this to happen . All car rental places are closed until Monday , so I am kind of stuck of here with S which isn 't that bad I guess . : ) She will bring me home tomorrow so I can start the hard work of trying to settle this case . The good thing is Sophie was not with me and I am OK . But seriously . . . I should be celebrating my new job and looking for a place to live in my new town . This just really sucks , but I am also very happy that I am OK and still here . I had my camera with me and will upload pictures tomorrow . I have been working really hard this month to eat better . I am taking my lunch everyday ( except Fridays ) and cooking each night when I get home . Not only am I saving a bunch of money , but I am feeling so much better . Now all I need to do is get my butt to the gym and I imagine I will start to lose some serious weight . I can 't seem to get motivated for the gym and I am not sure why . I go back to the doctor on Feb . 5 and I was really hoping to have lost some weight by then . The good thing is I have been very faithful with my medications , so I know the doctor will be happy about that . She mentioned last time that I have not been the best with taking my meds and she is right . Last time I went to the doctor I was shocked at how high my sugars were and something inside me finally realized that just because I may feel OK my organs could still be damaged . I could also no longer deny the fact that I was diabetic . Since we got that snow last Friday my car has been so dirty . This morning I was having a hard time seeing out my window so I decided it was time to go wash it . It looks like a new car and is so beautiful . I swear my car drives better when it 's clean . Sophie gets to spend Saturday night with her boyfriend Hank and I know she is just thrilled . Actually , Sophie is kind of anti - social so I don 't know if she is actually that thrilled . It 's really good for her because she comes home completely exhausted and usually sleeps for a whole day straight . Tomorrow if Friday and it 's the last weekend that I will have a weekend supervisor , so I am going to really enjoy this weekend . Yesterday when I returned to work one of my techs had written this message for me . After a long weekend with S it was hard coming back to work , so it was nice seeing this message . Yesterday was a great day to be an American . For about 45 minutes our entire agency just kind stopped and everyone ( clients included ) watched Obama being sworn in . It was neat watching the clients get so excited about the new President and be interested in the Inauguration . I am thankful that I got to watch it live and not just see clips from the news . My favorite part was when Obama said , " We must pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off . " I really felt hope that our country was going to turn itself around after listening to his speech . This week could bring a lot of changes in my life . I can 't go into a lot of detail right now , but hopefully by the end of the week I will have an exciting announcement . I did my taxes last night and I am getting $ 200 back from Federal and I owe Missouri $ 35 . I wanted to see how much I would get back if I was filing as a married person and would you believe it was almost $ 1700 . Right now , $ 1700 would really help me . Maybe one day I will be able to file under the married status again . How are you guys doing ? Saturday was a very lazy day around my house . Both the cats usually fight to sleep next to me on the couch and on this day Ben won . Watching a cat ( or dog ) sleep is sooo relaxing to me . I had the privilege of spending the last two days with S and as always . . . it was wonderful . Our relationship is not perfect , but it 's pretty darn close . We decided early on to always be best friends first and to always love with respect and kindness . When I was with Laura we always talked about being nice and treating each other with respect , but with S I feel like we actually are doing what we said we wanted to do . We went shopping and I found this calendar : It is the coolest calender and has lots of cool pictures . And the best thing . . . it was 75 % off . Yay for sales . I love this show and can 't wait for it to come back on . Does anyone know when it 's coming back on ? ? We went and saw The Curious Life of Benjamin Button last night . What a wonderful movie . The cool thing is . . . his birth Mom has the same name as me . ( before she got married ) When her name was said both S and I looked at each other and laughed . It 's not too often when I hear someone that has the exact name as me . There were a couple parts that really touched me and made me think about my own life . I think I was meant to see this movie right now and at times it was like the characters were speaking right to me . The most important thing I took away was . . . It 's never too late to change your life . S is so funny because this morning I moved around 5 : 30am and she said , " Oh , you 're awake . " Apparently she had been up for a while since she is used to getting up around 5am . Thankfully after a back rub she feel back asleep until 8am . We ended up staying in bed until almost 11am . I don 't know about you , but there is nothing better then a lazy morning watching your favorite daytime shows in bed . It was a perfect morning . Today was just another day where I looked back on how far I have come in the past year . A year ago I was getting ready to move into my apartment not knowing how my life was goPosted by I was informed by someone that I am neglecting my blog and I need to blog more often . So . . . let 's see . . . . what has been going on . . . . . Yesterday was a totally crazy day . When I went to bed Thursday night the news said we might get a few flurries . When I woke up Friday morning I noticed it was a little brighter then normal and when I looked outside there was about an inch of snow on the ground and it was still snowing . I had planned on driving out to see S after lunch so I was praying that the roads weren 't that bad . Well , the roads in KC were horrible . As I left my apartment complex there was someone in the ditch and there were about 4 wrecks on my way to work . It was crazy . By the afternoon the sun was out and most of the roads were clear . I loved being able to meet S at her house when she got off work and we enjoyed dinner that her Mom had made . It 's going to be nice when last night is what every Friday night is like . By the time I got home , took Sophie for a walk and took care of a couple things with work I was exhausted . I was hoping to sleep in , but at 6 : 30am both of the cats woke me up because they were out of food . I was so tired last night that I forgot to stop and pick them up more food , so they paid me back by getting me up really early . So I was up and out of the house by 7am to go get my babies food . I would say that makes me a very good Mom , but the fact that they ran out completely kind of voids that . After Walmart I ended up running a bunch of errands and then I came home and took a nap . S is coming down early tomorrow for rest of the weekend . She is off on Monday and I took the day off so we could spend some time with each other . Here are some pictures from the last couple of days : I love how Sophie and Bonk cuddle . I think it 's so sweet how Sophie kind of looks after Bonk and is so gentle with her . Here Sophie is pretending to be asleep so I will leave them alone . What do you guys think of this house ? I found this house near S and I think it 's so cute . Would you believe the rent is $ 200 less then what I am pPosted by If you read my post from earlier today you know that my day did not get off to a great start . When the maintenance guy was here this morning to let me in my apartment he said that I probably needed to have the weather stripping replaced and to call and schedule and appointment for them to do that . I forgot to do that today . When I got home I couldn 't get in my apartment again . Damn . I tried and tried ( boy does my finger hurt from this ) but couldn 't get in . By this point Sophie was barking and when I looked in the window this is what I saw : Apparently Sophie was bored today and decided to get into the trash . She had spread it all over the apartment . Here 's the bad thing . . . I knew that I had to call the maintenance people again to let me in my apartment . I was so embarrassed . Thankfully he unlocked the door and didn 't look in . OH , and he said he would be back tomorrow morning at 8am to fix the door . He even said that he would make sure he was here when I left in case I had trouble locking the door . I thought that was nice . Here is a picture of Sophie and her lovely surprise for me : I work 1 / 2 day tomorrow and then I am off until Tuesday . I am so excited I can barely sit still . Right now the temperature is 0 and I am wishing it was sunny and 80 degrees . I think I am finally over this whole love of winter . I am ready for things to be green outside and for Sophie and I to be able to go for long walks . Every time it gets really cold I have trouble locking and unlocking my apartment door . This morning when I took Sophie out for a walk it took me a couple tries , but I finally got the door locked . When we got back to the apartment I couldn 't ' get the door unlocked . I tried and tried , but finally stopped because I was afraid I was going to break the key . And wouldn 't you know it , this was the one time I didn 't have my cellphone . Luckily I saw one of the maintenance guys and he came over and tried a couple times and finally got it open . He told me to call in a maintenance order because it shouldn 't be this hard to get open . I felt so bad for Sophie because when we got inside the hair around her mouth was full of ice . Poor baby was so cold . So I grab my stuff and when I try to lock the door it will not lock . I tried for about 5 minutes and finally I decided that it was not going to lock . So I call my boss and sit and wait for the office to open at 9am . I noticed someone was there around 8 : 30am and she said she would send someone over as soon as possible . About ten minutes later the maintenance guy shows up and after a few tries gets it locked . He looked at me and said , " it 's working now " . I told him that I should not have to struggle this much with getting my door locked and unlocked and he said they would replace the weather stripping because he thought that was causing the problem . I have been struggling with things to write about on my blog because my life is so normal right now and I am sure you guys would get tired of me writing every day how wonderful S is . I am sure you guys would get tired of me saying how she is so sweet and how she loves to send me TXT messages that simply say , " You are the best part of my life . " Every time I get one of her TXT messages or emails I have to pinch myself bPosted by Today marks 103 days that I have been a non - smoker . Yay Me ! ! The first few days after I quit I remember thinking that 100 days seemed so far away , but I flew right past 100 days without evening realizing it . I actually had to sit down and count the days since I have lost count . I always knew I would have this whole smoking thing beat when I lost track of how many days I had not smoked . My next goal is 6 months because that is when MJ said she would buy me dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant . : ) Last night I feel asleep on the couch at 8pm and only woke up because S called me at 10pm to say goodnight . Last Friday night I went to bed late and then was wide awake at 5 : 30am ( I think I was excited about seeing S ) and then of course I got very little sleep Saturday night , so I am wondering if that is why I am so tired lately . Or maybe it 's the weather . It seems to be so much work to get dressed and bundled up to walk Sophie in the cold weather . This morning when I walked Sophie it was 7 degrees and by the time we got back to our apartment I couldn 't feel my legs . I am taking 1 / 2 day on Friday and then taking Monday off so I am hoping I will get caught up on my sleep ; or maybe not . : ) I am thinking of making my blog private again . I know for sure that when I eventually move closer to S I will be making this blog private because I have put a lot of stuff out there and living in a small town is so different then a major city where you can kind of disappear into the crowd . I will keep you guys updated on that . Tonight I am having dinner with one of my really good friends . I have not seen her in ages , so it will be good catching up with her . As excited as I am to move closer to S , I know it 's going to be a very emotional move as well . It 's going to be so hard leaving the only place I have ever lived and of course it 's going to be hard leaving all of my friends . S and I were saying on Saturday how amazing it is that things are just falling into place for us to be together . Honestly . . . . I couldn 't have planned it better myselPosted by Is it Sunday already ? Why is it the week goes so sloooow , but the weekend just zips by . I miss my girl . I hate not being able to be with her everyday . And I really hate having to come back to the city . Here are some pictures from the weekend . Ben has decided that his favorite place to sleep is the arm of the couch . When I woke up Saturday morning this is how I found him sleeping . So sweet . When I went to visit S I went a different way and part of the way was on the Kansas Toll . The drive seemed so much smoother , so I may drive this way from now on . On the way home today I pulled up to the toll to pay and I couldn 't find my ticket . I ended up having to pull over and it took me about 5 minutes , but I finally found it . There was no way I was going to pay $ 15 for a $ 2 toll . Yesterday S and I just went for a drive in the country . There is just something about the country that makes life slow down . I love how S is OK with me pulling over literally in the middle of nowhere to take pictures of a fence . This is where I belong and I know one day very soon this dream of mine will be a reality . When we turned the corner to go home I loved how the sun looked on these trees . Is it just me , or is even the brown of winter beautiful in the country ? Yea , it 's probably just me . Sophie stayed with my friend L and as you can see she was just fine . L sent me this picture to show me how well she was adjusting . L and her husband just moved into a new house so we weren 't sure how Sophie would do . When I went to pick up Sophie I don 't think she wanted to leave . : ) I am already counting down the days until next weekend . On Friday I will be having dinner with S and her Mom and then on Saturday S is coming down to KC for the long weekend . I hope this week just flies by . I think someone has been feeling neglected since I haven 't posted pictures of her in a while . I know I am biased , but she is so darn cute . Tomorrow morning I am getting up early and taking Sophie to my friends house for the night . S and I wanted to spend the whole day together ( and maybe the night ) and I didn 't want Sophie to be locked up all day . I would take her with me , but I don 't think she would be too happy about the 2 hour car ride . I am going to enjoy the next couple of weekends because soon I will be on - call at work all the time . My weekend supervisor turned in her resignation and for right now we are not going to replace her . I just pray that I don 't get a lot of calls or have to go in on the weekends . Hope everyone has a great weekend . I took this picture last weekend when I was at S 's house . She has this beautiful chandelier in her dining room and I thought this was a cool picture . S 's house has so much character and I could literally walk around all day taking pictures . I was suppose to go see her on Sunday , but last night she asked if I could come on Saturday instead so I wouldn 't have to rush back . Since I hate leaving Sophie alone all day ( and she hates car rides ) I decided to leave her with my friend for the day . This way I don 't feel like I have to rush back . And I am excited because the next weekend she will come down to my place for the long weekend . Three whole days together . . . I can 't wait . A very long time ago Lynilu tagged me for this MeMe . Here are the rules from what I can remember : 1 . List 6 random things about yourself2 . Tag 6 People to do the MeMeSo here goes . . . . . 1 . I love stale popcorn and chips . When I get take out from a Mexican restaurant I will often times wait to eat the chips until the next day . I also always take my popcorn home from the movies because there is nothing better then stale butter popcorn . Yum . 2 . I can 't stand Gloria Estefan 's voice . There is this one Christmas song that they played a lot this year and every time I heard it it was the most horrible sound . Fingernails on a chalk board sound better then her voice . 3 . I am really going to try to read more books in 2009 and not watch as much TV . I 'll let you know how this goes . BTW , did anyone see the new Real World last night ? They have a transgendered individual on there . Looks like it 's going to be a good season . 4 . I have been to 14 Hard Rock Cafes . When I was a teenager and that was the cool place to go , I said that one of my life 's goals was to go to all of them . 5 . When I was in elementary school I was put in a special class for people that had trouble reading and because of that I thought I was stupid . I find this interesting because I don 't ever remember having problems with reading . I wonder if it was because I was just so quiet and shy . 6 . I hate flavored Posted by On Sunday S and I went for a drive and we came upon this old church . I have this new love for old churches / school houses and barns . I get all giddy when I think about how one day very soon I will see many barns and old buildings as I go to work . The last 3 nights I have had some very interesting dreams . I really think my mind is trying to clear some things up before starting my new life with S . I have had dreams about the crazy woman that I moved in with for 2 weeks and several regarding my family and the church . The dreams about MG I show up at her house and the whole time I am wondering what happened to my life because things were so good and I don 't understand why I am back with her . The dreams about the church and my family have been a little more emotional . The first one I showed up at the church and everyone just kind of looked at me and then started yelling at me . Then the second one it was like I was in group therapy with someone from the church and my Mom 's sister who was like a second Mom to me . I was telling the group how hard it was when I would run into my family at the store and they would not acknowledge me or when I would run into my Mom at the store , tell her I love her and she would walk away . ( all of these things have happened ) This other person from the church got up and hugged me and told me how sorry she was that I had to go through that . My aunt . . . she just sat there with no emotion . It was all very strange and sad at the same time . There are going to be a lot of changes in the next few months and even though they are all good changes , there will still be some stress . I have sent out 5 resumes so far and heard from 2 places that say they are really interested in considering me for the position and I will be hearing from them in the next week . All of this is good , but last night I realized that I could be moving in the next couple of months . As excited as I am ( and I am very excited ) , it is also a little scary . I talked to S last night and she did a wonderful job in calming me down and remindingPosted by I am happy . Very happy . Yesterday was the perfect day and I can 't wait until S and I can start our life together . I had been thinking of asking S to marry me for a long time , but was trying to figure out the perfect time to ask her . Well , on Saturday we had talked on the phone and I realized that I wanted to ask her the next day . We were in her house and I told her how much I loved her and how much she has changed my life and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her . I then told her that I wanted her to become my wife . Her response was a perfect " yes " . It was the perfect moment and that one word has changed everything . We spent rest of the afternoon talking about our future and the plans we have . We will have a private ceremony ( just the two of us ) and exchange rings the first night we move in with each other . I am guessing it will be sometime this summer . Neither of us want a big ceremony and really just want the two of us there . Now the fun begins and we get to start looking for rings . The last few weeks we have been talking about the 2 hours that are between us and know that we need to do something about that . So . . . . . . I have started the process of looking for a new job that is close to where she lives . I love my job ( 99 % of the time ) and I hate that I have to leave it , but I am in love with S and want to see her every single morning . We are still working out the details as to where exactly we will live . We thought about buying a house out in the country ( her house is in town , but to me it feels like the country ) , but we may wait a few years . I love her house and it feels so warm and welcoming . I would be very happy living there with her . I am so thankful that I have S in my life . She is so good for me and so good to me . Yesterday after I asked her to marry me she said , " I promise that I will always love you with respect and kindness and you will always be my main priority . " How great is this . . . I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend . I guess I should start preparing my cats for the 2 hour Posted by I have been busy this morning . Here is what I have already done : * Got my grocery shopping done * Went and had a RX refilled * Changed litter box ( they now make a litter for small spaces . I am curious to see if it really works ) * Finished my laundry * Took down my Christmas decorations * Cleaned entire apartmentNow it 's time for a nap . : ) S called me a few minutes ago and it seems we can only go a few days without seeing each other , because we both agreed that it would be a great idea to get together tomorrow . After we got off the phone I sat and just thought about how happy I am and how I want to spend the rest of my life with S . I think it 's time to ask her a very important question . Day 2 of 2009 turned out to be even better then day one . The plan for S and I to be together is coming together better then we could have ever planned . There is absolutely no doubt that we are meant to be together . Tonight S and I were talking about how good things are with us right now and how things just keep getting better . I know that in the beginning things are always good and it 's considered a honeymoon phase , but we decided that there is no reason that the honeymoon phase of our relationship has to end . We have both been with people that were not the best for us and now that we have found each other we never want to take the other for granted . From day one we have decided that we need to be best friends first and foremost . Everything after best friends is just icing on the cake . I don 't have much planned for the weekend and plan on watching lots of movies . It seems like the last two weeks have been so busy and I am looking forward to a quiet weekend . The only thing that I have to do this weekend is go out and get a new battery for my camera . The battery in my camera died on Christmas , so I haven 't taken any pictures in over a week . That would explain why I have not had any new pictures on my blog lately . What is everyone else doing this weekend ? Happy New Year ! ! ! Today has been the best day . S and I decided to just get together today since neither of us wanted to be on the road yesterday . I drove to her house this morning and we spent the day together and it was just perfect . S 's Mom cooked a ham and boy was it good . I always forget how much I love ham . After lunch S and I just hung out and enjoyed each others company . In the last week we have made the decision that I need to start looking for a place closer to her right now instead of waiting until the summer . We both regret the fact that I signed a new 6th month lease and wish there was a way I could get out of it . Tonight I told her that I was excited to see where we would be a year from today and her response was , " I promise you one thing . . . we will be living together . " I can 't wait for that day . As I was driving home tonight I had this amazing sense of peace and contentment . I feel so loved and appreciated and know that every single struggle I went through to get here was worth it all . Tonight as S and I were talking she told me that she was sorry I was hurt so badly by Laura , but was thankful that it gave her a chance to be with me . She then told me that the 5 of us ( me , S , Sophie , Bonk and Ben ) belong together . I love how she always includes my babies . I have always felt that how you spend the first day of the New Year is how the rest of your year will be . I think it 's a good sign that I spent the day in the arms of the woman I love . It 's going to be a great year . When I first started this blog it was because I felt lost in the world and didn 't know where I fit into the world . After taking several years off to get to know the real Caroline , I think I have finally found my place in the world . I hope you will tag along so I can share with you all the wonderful little things in my life . I now live at the top of the world ( literally ) and I love the view from here . |
Tamara was standing there , outside Jack 's door . What was she doing here ? It had been close to a year since they last saw each other , over a year and a half since it had ended . She had left him , rather , thrown him out , because she wasn 't in love with him anymore . No conversation , no effort to work it out , just a simple " it 's over , there is nothing you can do about it . " Jack had loved her more than life itself , and the breakup was devastating . He spent a week off work , drinking and thinking about everything that they had been together . His friends all told him he needed to get over her , but he held out hope they would get back together . He thought about what he could do . He was definitely not in shape , and thought he should start there . He started going to the gym , even hired a trainer . At the same time , he realized he would need to show he could earn a good living and took some classes and improved his IT skills . When he met her a couple of months after the breakup , he told her he wanted to give it another shot , but she told him she was seeing someone else , and wasn 't interested in him at all other than as a friend . That 's when Jack decided he was going to move , go back to the big city , a couple of hours away . He spent another couple of months doing the groundwork . He had lined up a couple of good contracts , and was going to start his own IT consulting business . He had also found a nice apartment , and had arranged to have all his belongings moved . He decided he wanted to close the chapter of his life that included Tamara , hoping it would help him get over the love he still felt for her . He thought one last meeting , to tell her he was leaving would be just right , so he invited her to coffee . When he told her he was moving , she told him she was planning a move as well . . . In with the new guy she was seeing . That turned his love into anger . He left the coffee shop , and didnt look back . But love turned to anger is a powerful thing . He barely contained his rage during the day , the frustration pushing him to work harder , but in the evenings , he would take out all his rage at the gym . After about a year , his business was flourishing , and he had carved his body into a mass of muscles . He had shed almost 30 % of his weight , and was barely recognizable . He hadn 't talked to her since that day . He assumed her life was good , and was starting to move on . Finally , he was ready to go out and meet new people . And yet , here she was now , throwing him in turmoil again . The anger was still there , focused almost entirely on her . And she was on the other side of his front door . When he looked out through the peephole , he saw her red hair in soft curls , falling onto her shoulders . She was dressed in a dark red jacket and had knee high burgundy boots on . She had her head down , but he knew it was her . He really couldn 't ever forget . He thought about not opening the door , but he knew that if she was here after all this time , he would never be able to forgive himself for not knowing why . So he turned the handle and opened the door . She looked up , and as he looked into her hazel eyes , he noticed they didn 't have that same sparkle he remembered . Her face was still just as beautiful , her curls framing her features . She had lost some weight , and her features were even more pronounced , and judging by the cling of her jacket , her body was better than before . The coat was short , but he couldn 't see the hem of her dress below it , just the dark stockings and tall leather boots with stiletto heels . When his eyes were done scanning her , he looked back and noticed a look of surprise on her face . Probably because she was expecting someone else , the old him . He should have expected that . He poured a couple of glasses and took out a bucket with some ice . He brought it all out and placed it on the table , handed her a glass , took his and sat down on a chair next to her . " My mother and sister were driving home late , after a dinner with my sister 's boyfriend . A truck driver who was on his 20th consecutive hour fell asleep at the wheel and slid into their lane . The doctors told me they both died on impact . " " It happened so suddenly . " she continued . " The day after the funeral , a lawyer approached me . He told me this trucking company had a reputation for letting the drivers ignore the rules so they can work more hours and make more money . He had lost his daughter a year before , but there wasn 't enough evidence to take the company down . This time he had what he needed , and would like to pursue them . If I would let him represent me and my mother and sister , he could promise a win and an end to this company that had cost us so dearly . " I accepted , and while he started the court proceedings , I started to dismantle their lives . I sold off all their furniture , all their possessions . I tried to go back to work , but I couldn 't focus . They put me on leave , and I just stayed in for over a month , wallowing in my sorrow . The lawyer was still working on the case , and got us a court date a few months out . Billy then left me , because I was miserable all the time , and he couldn 't deal with it . That jerk even threw me out of the apartment . I had to find a place to stay and deal with the pain at the same time . That 's when I started to miss you . I remembered that you would never have done that to me . And something else happened , I started to realise something about me . It 's actually the reason I am here , and I will get to that . " The lawyer helped me move into a place . He was really nice . I think he saw his daughter in me or something , but he got me a nice apartment to stay in and arranged all the insurance paperwork for me . Turns out my sister 's firm had a very generous insurance policy in the event of accidental death , and I received a very large check . My mother had a good policy as well , but she also had a lot of debts to pay , so there was very little left . I knew I wouldn 't have to work for a little while , so I started to focus on rebuilding . I started by going to the gym and working out everyday to help distract me . I started to meet friends again and got out of the apartment . I was starting to feel better . But that moment of enlightenment was still ever present in my psyche . " When the court proceedings started , a few weeks ago , I had already made up my mind . As the lawyer made his case , the opposition started to flounder . On the last day , before the jury would deliberate , I had settled all my affairs . I knew what I would do after the court case was over . " The verdict was in our favour . My lawyer won the case , and won us a settlement of 25 million dollars . I couldn 't believe it . I gave him half , and kept half . He tried to refuse it , but I insisted . He finally took just 5 million for himself . I knew I would never have to work again , and my plan was going to work perfectly . " " That was this morning , " she continued , " and I am here now because you are going to decide the rest . " She handed him an envelope . He opened it and pulled out a cashier 's check for just over 21 million dollars . " That is all the money from the insurance , the lawsuit and everything I had . It is yours regardless of the decision you make . When Billy threw me out , and I started staying home , I realized something . I didn 't want to be responsible for making decisions , and I missed you so much , I realized I was still in love with you . So I am here to offer myself to you . I want you to take me back , to be my protector , to take all decisions for me , to be . . . . to be my . . . be my . . . master . " She almost whispered the last part . I was stunned . I just say there , mouth agape . " I wore this this morning before court . I wanted you to know I was serious . " Then she stood up , and dropped her jacket . She was a sight . She was wearing her 4 inch stiletto , dark burgundy leather boots , up to her knees , topped with black stockings , held up by straps that linked to a deep red corset covered in black see - through lace . That was it . No panties covering her bare pussy , and the corset was designed to prop up her perfect C cup breasts , topped with her pink nipples , but not to cover them . She was on display , for someone 's pleasure . Just the way he had once described when they were discussing fantasies . " I took the bus to get into town dressed like this , the cab ride from the station to here dressed like this . " He always dreamed of making her his slave . He even often fantasizes about letting her feel his anger by kidnapping her from her life . Being fully responsible for her every action , making her do everything and anything he wanted . But he never thought it would be possible . And here she was . He thought about it for a moment . There was no way this was for real , she was just distraught . She didn 't know what she wanted . She is trying to find something to alleviate her pain . Jack downed his full glass of scotch . " Ummm , look , this is a lot to take in . Why don 't you sleep on my bed tonight ? We can discuss this tomorrow . I don 't think you are thinking straight , and you probably just need to rest . " " You don 't understand , " she replied " I have thought this through . I am standing here in front of you with everything I own . I don 't have anything else , and no where else . If you don 't want me , I will leave . The check is in your name , it is yours . I will just head out and you will never see me again . " Something struck him then . She had kept her gaze down the whole time she spoke . He was so focused on her words , he didn 't read her body language . She seemed at ease , her hands were in her lap , cradling her drink . Now she was standing , head down , hands clasped in front of her . She wasn 't someone who normally took such a meek position . She always had confidence and purpose in her step . Maybe she was serious . Jack thought about the possibilities . He would be able to have more than just her back , he could completely own her . He made the decision . He would go along with this for now , and as she started to get over all the sudden changes in her life , he would bring her back to normal . But he knew he would take advantage of this situation . She was coming to him . She would take all the anger he had towards her now , and Jack go back to maybe loving her later . " Alright , I will take you in . But there will be some rules . The majority of it I will explain to you tomorrow , but for tonight here are the basics : " " I am not done . My things don 't have names . You no longer have a name . I expect you to know when I am referring to you , and I will probably call you things like slut , whore , bitch , cunt or anything else . " You will do anything I say . That means you are not only my sex slave , but my slave in all senses . I will expect you to cook , clean , run errands , and anything else I might ask . " And since you are one of my things , I will do what I want with my things . I might modify you to suit my needs . I want you to know this , because there will be no safe word . If you refuse something , you will be punished until you accept what I want . " That brings me to punishment . Disobedience will be punished harshly . Hesitation will be punished harshly . And refusal or disagreement will be punished harshly . There is no safe word , this is not role play . You will be hit , whipped , tortured at my will , till I am satisfied you are going to be agreeable when I am done . " " Yes ! " She was almost jumping with excitement . She threw herself at him and wrapped her arms around him . " Thank you , thank you ! " she repeated over and over . He stood still , not reacting yet . When she let him go and stepped back , he pulled his hand back and slapped her right tit with a good amount of force . She was stunned . She only yelped a second after the sound of the impact echoed . She reached up to soothe the sting in her tit , a red mark appearing on the side , and a look of surprise in her eyes . He didn 't say anything , and answered it with a slap of her left tit . Just as hard , and just as unexpected . She yelped again , but this time as she reached up to rub her tit , she asked him " Why ? " " First , you do not get to ask questions . Second , I didn 't say you could speak , and be clear , you are not to speak unless allowed by me . Third , if I want to slap my cunt 's tits around , I will . " There are a number of things I need to train you on . Fourth , I never again want to see a burst like what I just saw . My slave is to be well behaved . If I punish you , you keep your hands down . And last , you will always address me with full sentences , and they had better end with Master . Is that understood ? " " A bit slow , but I can work with that . " He replied , making sure there was contempt in his voice . He wanted her to feel like she let him down . If she was in this seriously , she would be looking for his approval . He wouldn 't give it to her for some time . She dropped , resting her ass on her heels . " Spread your knees . I want my cunt on display . " She spread her knees , showing her pussy . There was a shine to it . It was wet . It was slightly open , and it was dripping . Her thighs were glistening , her lips were glistening , and she saw him obviously looking at it . She blushed , from her cheeks to just above her tits had turned crimson . A good look on her pale skin . " Spread your lips , I want to see inside my cunt . " He knew she always struggled with any overt displays of this nature . The blush deepened , and it went almost down to her nipples . Those same nipples were hard , like little pencil erasers on the tip of these perfect round pink aureoles about the size of a half dollar . She reached down and spread her lips , using the index and middle fingers of her left hand to show her clit and fuckhole to him . " My my , this cunt is wet . What was it that got you so hot and bothered ? Was it my taking you or maybe it was the punishment ? " She perked up a bit at the mention of the punishment . So she did enjoy a bit of the pain . He twisted her nipple , hard . She almost fell over , and used her hands to prevent herself from toppling back . He reached down and grabbed the other nipple , and twisted it as well . Now she was obviously in pain , her hands preventing her from falling over behind her , and her tits up in the air . He started to pull up on them , lifting her by her nipples . She let out a quick scream , and pushed herself off the floor a bit with her hands . Her upper body was leaning back , held up by her nipples firmly grasped by his fingers . The pain was excruciating , and she couldn 't stand up because of the angle . She started to pant , every few breathes punctuated with a yelp . He was unrelenting . He knew she wouldn 't be able to lift herself up , not at this angle . He held her like that for at least a full minute . She was sweating and panting . And his cock was rock hard seeing her like this . He let go suddenly , and she didn 't have time to adjust , so she just fell back , landing on her back with her knees up and heels sliding out . She let out a short breath and a scream as she hit the ground . He bent down and grabbed her hair , pulling her first into a seated position , then letting her get on her knees . While still holding her hair with his left hand , he slapped her face , lightly , with his right . " Stand up " he ordered . She slowly rose to her feet , dragged up by her hair firmly in his grip . She was unsure what was coming up , but she knew one thing : she had never been this wet in her life . It was dripping out of her . He was making her feel like she had never felt before . The pain was feeling good to her , she expected that to some effect , but , surprisingly , the embarrassment was also turning her on . She wanted to rub her pussy , play with her clit . She got down , ass on her heels , knees spread and fingers showing her opening to him . The wetness had spread to the tops of her stockings , and there was a small puddle under her , where a few drops of her juices had quickly fallen out of her cunt . She was desperate , and tired to pinch her clit between her two fingers before drawing the lips apart . He noticed this small act , and decided she needed to learn a lesson . " Let go of your pussy . Hands clasped behind your back and head down . From now on , whenever I enter a room , this is how I expect to find you . Let 's call this your " rest " position . I was going to let you be on your knees , but you obviously can 't be trusted . I saw you pinch your clit while trying to spread your lips . If you are on your knees , you might rub your thighs together . So for now , this will be your default position . Understood ? " " Good . I 'm starting to think I made a good choice with you , cunt . " Just to prove this , he pet her head and smoothed her hair back . She practically purred . She was happy . She was going to be thoroughly used , and she knew he would take care of her otherwise . She was starting to feel very good about her choice as well . " Now , I remember your mouth was most skilled at something other than talking . So better get to work . " Jack 's cock was hard , tenting his jeans . It had been a while since he last got laid . He was going to really enjoy never having to work for a fuck again . She reached up and undid his jeans , dropping them and his boxers to his knees in one movement . She was stunned . He was completely hairless . He never did that when they were together . His 8 " cock looked absolutely delicious . It was not only long , but quite thick . She missed it . But he used to be unable to actually use it , his weight preventing him from doing more than a few strokes before he was too tired . But now , he was in amazing shape . She looked forward to this . She licked her lips , without even noticing . Jack had noticed . He smiled , and said " Don 't just stare at it , get to work , cunt . " She opened her mouth and slipped the head into it . She kept the head there and sealed her lips on his shaft . She then licked around the crown and made spirals until she got to the tip . She flicked her tongue quickly along his pee slit . He shivered from that . She swirled her tongue back towards the crown of his glans , and slowly slid more of his cock into her mouth . She wet the shaft with her mouth while taking more and more of it in , until it hit the back of her throat . He knew she couldn 't take it much further . She used to balk as soon as her gag reflex kicked in . He didn 't want to push to far tonight , but he knew by the end of the week , her throat would be open for business . He slowly pulled back , until her lips were pursed against the tip of his dick , then slowly pushed forward , making her take it back in . The whole time , her tongue kept dancing on his cock . She was driving him wild . He kept up the movement , makin her take as much as she could handle , then pulling almost completely out . Her blowjobs were always very good , but he loved the idea of her squatting on her heels , legs open , pussy literally dripping , and her hands behind her back . As he thought about the power he had , that he could make her do anything he wanted , he almost shot his load right then . But he recovered , pulling out of her mouth just in time . She struggled to get into position . All her weight was being held by her head and neck . He kept her there and left the room . She didn 't realize it , because she couldn 't see anything but the sofa with the way she was leaned over . He returned with some rope , and tied her hair to one end of the rope , and pulled back , until she was clear of the couch , all her weight held up by the rope in her hair . He then folded her arms , left wrist on right elbow and vice versa . He wrapped the other end of the rope around her arms , locking them into place . He made sure there was no slack in the rope . Now her head was at a right angle to her back , hair in a ponytail that was pulled along the length of the rope , tied taught to her forearms , that were wrapped together by the rope . It was an amazing sight , but probably not comfortable . She wouldn 't be able to stand unless he was holding her up , balancing on her 4 inch heels being impossible . He kept a small length of rope from her arms in his hand , as a rein of sorts . He had removed his jeans before leaving the room , and now took off his shirt . To make sure she knew that he controlled her position , he slowly let out some of the rope , making her tilt forward until her forehead just touched the back of the sofa . Then he pulled it back until her legs with straight up , at a right angle with the floor . He spread her legs wide , dropping her pussy to just the right height . Seeing that her wetness had not abated , he lined up and slid his whole length into her , in one swift move . He was buried , his balls slapping her clit with the force of his penetration and her ass smacking against his hips . She sighed loudly when his mushroom head spread her lips , and then shrieked when he bottomed out . She hadn 't had a cock this big since they broke up , and she was not used to the thickness . But the feeling of fullness , that so suddenly took hold , had her on the edge . He just needed a few quick strokes and she would explode . He held for a few seconds , enjoying the tightness of her wet tunnel . But he could feel the light pulsing of her pussy , and realised how close she was . He had a dilemma on his hands . On the one hand , he wanted to hold her off from an orgasm as long as possible , maybe not even let her cum for a few days . On the other , he had never made her climax before , and wanted to see it . He was considering his choices when she started to squirm , she was trying to lean back and pull forward , but she didn 't have much flexibility in her situation . He made the decision , he would let her cum , but would punish her unless she asked for permission . Jack pulled out slowly , leaving only half the head of his cock in her wet embrace . He then slammed back forward , holding for a couple of seconds before slowly pulling back out again . He would pull out , and slam in , repeating this another 3 times before it started . Her pussy suddenly got very wet , the nectar flowing out around his dick . She wasn 't squirting , but her juices were slowly pouring out like a pipe leaking around a seal . He started to speed up the strokes , no longer pulling all the way out and not slamming back in , just pistoning as her orgasm built up . He could feel the rapid squeeze and release of the walls of her cunt . He just kept fucking her through it , until her legs started to shake . She had been moaning since her cunt flooded , but now she was quiet , her mouth looking like she was screaming , but no sound was coming out . He sped up and started to really lay into her , rapid short strokes . She finally came , as she screamed out . Her whole body started to tremble , and suddenly her knees gave out . She collapsed to her knees , her chest landing against the couch . His wet cock slipped out and now stuck straight out in the cool air , , balls and thighs also covered in her cunt 's expulsion . He got down to his knees , and slipped back into her cunt . Her climax had practically made her unconscious . She was like putty , just breathing heavily , head still pulled back . He could feel the tremors in her body and pussy , and he was just slowly fucking her , without urgency , more to keep his dick warm than anything else . He gave her a few moments to calm down , then undid the rope holding her head and arms together . She remained bent over the sofa , arms now to her sides , head down . She was slowly pulling her arms under her , getting the feeling back , while starting to recover and realize he was still fucking her . She looked back and was almost startled by the site . He was staring at her , but that wasn 't what drew her attention . It was his arms and chest , and his abs , perfectly sculpted . She was stunned because he didn 't look anything like that before . This was going to work for her , it was going to be better than she could have dreamed . She smiled , and he took that to mean she was ready to go on . He pulled out , her hips pushing back as soon as he pulled out . She even made a whimper when he did . He delicately turned her over and lifted her to stand . As soon as he let her go , she started to fall , her legs still unable to support her . " That was incredible , I have never cum like that , master . " She said . He smiled as he held her up . He lifted her up by her ass , and she wrapped her legs around his back . He carried her into his bedroom , and threw her onto her back on his bed . He then grabbed her by her hair and pulled her around till she was laying accross the bed , head hanging off the edge . He pulled her head up by her hair , so he could talk to her . " I 'm glad you enjoyed yourself , whore . But I am a little bit upset . I don 't think you have fully understood what I expect from you . You are my slave , and every part of you in mine . That means that your cunt doesn 't belong to you . So I am upset because you let my cunt have an orgasm without asking me if it could . And to make matters worse , you spoke without being spoken to . " " Now you will be punished and I do not want to hear a single peep or resistance . You might want to scream or struggle , but if your head leaves the edge of the bed , or turns to prevent me from giving you your punishment , you will regret it much more than any pain you have had so far . Do you understand , slut ? " " Good . " He said as he quickly and severely twisted her nipple , going almost three quarters of a full twist . She opened her mouth to scream , but was silenced by his cock quickly entering until it hit the back of her mouth . " If I feel teeth , I will pull them out , one by one , with a pair of pliers . " He punctuated his sentence with a quick jab forward of his hips . She started gagging , and he pulled back slightly . He then repeated the same motion , forcing her to gag again . He timed his next jab with a gag , and slipped in past her resistance . Now he had only a couple of inches to go . She was panicking . Her back was arched up , and she was trying to slip away , but he had her head pinned against the edge of the bed . All she could do was kick out , bunching up the comforter at her feet . She wanted to throw up , but she couldn 't with his cock in her throat . She wanted to breathe , but her panic was preventing her . She was scared she might pass out . " Calm down , cunt . Calm down and you will realize you can breathe from your nose . " He had no idea if that was true , but he wasn 't going to pull out now , not with the feeling of her throat squeezing his cock head with every gag . He was right , because as she calmed down , she started taking a few quick breaths through her nose . She was still gagging , now with saliva drooling out around his dick . She was starting to get used to the feeling of a foreign object in her like this . He wanted to bottom out , that was his goal for her tonight , so he pushed in . She started to panic again , her legs kicking and arms flailing . The dick in her throat was too big , now her throat felt like it was ripping . It was burning , but there was no gagging . Even her urge to vomit had subsided . She tried to calm down , focus on relaxing her tense neck and shoulders . Surprisingly , it also helped ease the pain in her esophagus . He held there a bit , noticing how quickly she relaxed . He wasn 't going to stop . He pushed further , until his balls were resting against her nose . Her chin was pushed against the base of his cock , lips stretched and drool dripping out around it . When he felt she was ready , he pulled back about an inch and pushed back . He pulled back again and pushed in . He kept giving her the inch . Back and forth . Back and forth . She always wanted to deep throat a guy , but the old Jack was too weak to overcome her objections in the past , and Jimmy wasn 't big enough . Now here she was , a cock bottomed out in her mouth , and she was almost comfortable . She was eager to make this good for Jack . At first she was just trying to get used to the regular thrusting , but after a dozen strokes , she started swallowing when he pushed in . He noticed the added sensation of her throat muscles massaging his head . He decided it was time for a real throat fucking . He pulled back a couple of inches and pushed back . No outward reaction , so he pulled three inches out , leaving only the head of his cock in her throat , then pushed back in . He was in heaven . Her throat would tighten around his dick as he fucked it . It was incredible . He kept doing this , until he could feel himself getting close . Just as he was about to erupt , he pulled completely out and shot off . The first shot hit her chin as he backed off . It flew out with so much force the it actually arced up after hitting her chin and landed between her tits . The second shot went over her chin and landed on her left tit . He aimed the third to hit her right tit . The fourth didn 't have enough force , and landed between her tits and on her neck . He aimed down , and the last few spurts landed on her face . He was spent , and she looked like a proper fucking whore . She had come on her tits , her chest and neck , and her face was covered in drool and cum . It was dripping into her hair and partially onto the floor under the bed . She was filthy , and her eyes were closed . She uttered an unintelligible moan . She was almost passed out . Her jaw and throat were burning from the pain of being stretched to their limit . She couldn 't speak , and she was in an almost catatonic state . He decided he wouldn 't push any further tonight , so he picked her up , brought her to the bathroom and wiped her face and tits . She was only barely conscious , just enough to know he was cleaning her up a bit . After he got her to at least passable , he picked her up , brought her out of the bathroom and put her on the floor . She wasn 't going to sleep on the bed , not yet anyways . She fell asleep almost immediately , still dressed in her corset , stockings and knee high leather boots . He then crawled into bed , only to feel something wet against his bare ass . The sheets had a huge wet spot , about a foot wide . She must have been soaking the sheets through the whole rough treatment of her throat . This girl was even kinkier than he remembered , and would be able to handle anything he threw at her . With that pleasant thought , he closed his eyes and fell asleep . That 's the end of Chapter 1 . In the next chapter , the slave gets to know the rules and he takes her shopping . Read 43860 times | I agree a true master loves his slave . She is his property but like I have said before why would a person want to damage and devalue his property . Keep going with this story |
I knew it was a heart attack right away . Lorraine almost passed out , but I knew enough to call the police . They got there about ten minutes later with an ambulance from St . Ambrose Hospital , and we almost didn 't have enough time to get the skates off . Two attendants came in with an old lady doctor , and we told them how he had been shoveling snow and had been out all day , and they just whisked him away on a stretcher like an old sack of potatoes . He was breathing just fine . Maybe a little fast , but it certainly didn 't look like he was going to die or anything like that . I mean those particular cops were so dumb it was pathetic . I felt like I was talking to two grown - up Dennises who had arrested mental growth . It was a big deal over nothing . They wanted to know if we could take care of ourselves , and we assured them we were very mature . They finally left after they had a good look around the place . I mean , the furnishings were enough to make anybody think a pack of wild gypsies lived there , but they were probably anxious to get along on the rounds of the local bars and collect their graft for the week . Lorraine got furious when I told her that and said she hoped I needed help some day and there were no policemen to call . Then she called me stupid and left me standing in the hall . I walked to the edge of the living room and just waited for the lecture I knew was coming . She turned her head away , and I was sorry I had yelled at her . " He 's not going to die . It was just a little stroke , that 's all . He was breathing fine when they carried him out . " I needed two beers after that , but Lorraine was nervous about staying there . So we found the keys to the house in the kitchen , locked up , and took a walk in the cemetery . We didn 't last long there because it was too cold , and she felt terrible when we walked by a freshly dug grave . There 's nothing worse than a freshly dug grave with snow falling on it . The next day we cut school and took the Number 107 bus to St . Ambrose Hospital . We got there a half hour before visiting time , but that gave us time to check on Mr . Pignati and find out that he wasn 't dead . In fact he was so alive he looked better than ever , but I 've heard that 's the way a lot of people are when they have heart attacks . I mean , that 's supposed to be the real danger period because they feel energetic , but if they exert themselves , they can have another attack and croak . This Transylvanian - looking nun - nurse made us sign our names in a book and gave us a couple of passes so everyone at the hospital would know we had permission to be there and were not a couple of ghouls raiding the morgue . I hate to go to hospitals because you never know when you get in one of the elevators if the guy next to you has the galloping bubonic plague . You should have seen Lorraine carrying eleven gladiolas . She looked like a Mongolian peasant hawking flowers in a flea market . We took them from three different graves in the cemetery and couldn 't find a twelfth gladiola anywhere . But who counts a dozen gladiolas when you get them ? We still pretended we were John and Lorraine Pignati because only members of the immediate family were allowed to visit . " Your son and daughter are here , " this fat , huge nurse said , opening the door to Room 304 . And there was the Pigman , propped up on his high pillow with the bed raised . It was a semiprivate room , and I 'd better not tell you about the other patient in there that made it semiprivate because he looked like he wasn 't long for this world . They had a guy with some kind of oxygen - tent thing nearby that looked like a malaria net . " Hi ! " Mr . Pignati said , with a great big grin on his face . You 'd have thought he was a guest in a hotel the way he looked , with this breakfast tray right in front of him on a weird - looking bed table . " Look at the lovely flowers they brought , " the fat , huge nurse said . " I 'll put them in some water . " She flashed a gigantic smile herself and then beat it . " Of course I 'm all right . " He laughed . " I 'm getting out of here in a few days . There 's nothing wrong with me . The doctor even said so . " There was a lot of small talk after that , and Lorraine never took her eyes off the guy in the other bed , who looked like he was 193 years old . Then the fat , huge nurse came back in with the gladiolas in this crummy glass vase that looked like they had just dug it up in the backyard . " Aren 't they pretty ? " she said and then beat it again . Just then the guy in the other bed took a choking fit , and the three of us just looked very uncomfortable until that was over . The fat nurse came running in and did something to him to make him stop . It looked like she strangled him actually . " How are you all doing ? " the nurse said , bounding in and exhibiting her ivories again . " Your father 's a very funny man , " she squealed . " He knows an awful lot of jokes . " By the time we left , I was so glad to see the outside world I thought I had been in prison for seventy - three years . The smell of hospitals always makes me think of death . In fact I think hospitals are exactly what grave - yards are supposed to be like . They ought to bury people in hospitals and let sick people get well in the cemeteries . The sun was shining , and the ice was beginning to melt on the street . A big plow came down Forest Avenue , scooping snow right into the front of it and throwing it out the top through this pipe contraption . It looked like a black dragon devouring everything it touched . Pretty soon our bus came along , and then we hiked back up to the house . Everything that happened from then on Lorraine blames me for , and maybe she 's right . Things were just fine at first . Lorraine was in her glory because she had a brainstorm about making spaghetti . That would have been a superb idea if I had overlooked the fact that I loathe spaghetti . Mr . Pignati had some sauce left in the refrigerator , and there were three packages of number nine vermicelli , so I decided to let the little homemaker go ahead with it . I went into the bedroom and opened the closet with all of Mr . Pignati 's clothes . He didn 't have that much , but I knew even if he were next to me , he wouldn 't mind if I tried on a jacket or two . My own father won 't let me touch his stuff . I tried on a shiny blue suit that looked so worn I think Columbus must have sported it over to the New World . The lapels were so big I felt as though I was wearing reverse water wings . There was a full - length mirror on the door , and when I saw myself , I realized I wasn 't plain old John Conlan anymore . I was a famous actor getting ready to go before the cameras to play the role of a distinguished European businessman and lover . " Good Lord , " Lorraine gulped . I thought she was going to drop the pot of spaghetti . She had set the dining - room table and pulled down the shades so it was pretty shadowy , and that made me look perfect . In the middle of the table were two religious - looking candles burning away . I finally shut the stove off and went into the living room . I was planning to put the TV on , and I was mad as @ # $ % because I knew the spaghetti was congealing in the pot . I don 't like spaghetti when it 's normal , let alone congealed . She stood there for a moment , and I couldn 't believe my eyes . I knew she had been digging out some old rags of Conchetta 's , but I hadn 't expected this . She was wearing a white dress with two million ruffles and a neckline that was the lowest she 'd ever worn β¦ and makeup and high heels and an ostrich feather in her hair . She looked just like one of those unknown actresses you see on the TV summer - replacement programs . " John , stop it now . I 'm not kidding . " She started laughing again right in my arms , but I stopped it by putting my lips on hers . It was the first time we had ever kissed . When I moved my lips away from hers , we just looked at each other , and somehow we were not acting anymore . " Dinner is served , " she announced , carrying this big plate of congealed spaghetti . We each sat at opposite ends of the table with the candles burning away . I poured us some wine in these long - stemmed glasses , and for a few moments we just sat looking at each other - her with the feather in her hair and me with my moustache . It got so that every day John and I would go over to the Pigman 's after school and have a glass of wine and conversation . It was routine by the time the Christmas holidays came around , and it was nice to have some place to go besides the cemetery when it was cold out . Masterson 's Tomb is an escapist 's dream in the summer , but it 's a realist 's nightmare in December . " Did I see you in a car today ? " my mother asked , coming to the doorway to watch my reaction . " I was waiting for you to go to the store . When you didn 't come home , I walked down myself , and I saw a girl in a car that looked just like you . " She was holding the large coffee cup and stirring nervously . " I don 't care . Just don 't let me catch you in a car if you know what 's good for you . I got some shrimp chop suey from the Chinese restaurant . I saved yours , but get the uniform done first . " She always warns me about getting into cars and things like that . When she goes to work on a night shift , she constantly reminds me to lock the doors and windows , and sometimes she calls on the phone if she gets a chance and tells me again . Beware of men is what she 's really saying . They have dirty minds , and they 're only after one thing . Rapists are roaming the earth . But now I understand her a little . I think the only man she really hates is my father - even though he 's dead . I don 't think she 'll ever be able to forgive what he did to her . She used to put me through the story at least twice a year - how when she was pregnant with me her doctor called and told her my father had some kind of disease , and she shouldn 't let him touch her until he got rid of it . It turned out that he had a girl friend on the side , and that 's when she filed for a legal separation . Everyone was surprised , because they had been childhood sweethearts , as the expression goes . It must have been awful for her when she found out about him . She never talks about him now - just how awful men are in general . She 's what the psychologists call fixated on the subject . There 's one picture of my mother and father in an album , which is how I like to remember them . He 's wearing a football uniform - a handsome young man - with his arm around her . She 's wearing one of those funny raccoon coats . They 're smiling at each other in a grass field somewhere in Stapleton . " I got a run in one of the new stockings last night . I didn 't notice it until I washed them this morning . " I could tell from the way she spoke that it was her way of thanking me for giving them to her . " Where did you get the money for them ? " I was surprised to see John break down and start buying his own six - packs of beer . I really was . I had been bringing things like potato chips and pretzels all along simply because I felt funny mooching off Mr . Pignati . So things were really going along fine until one Sunday night in January when there was a snowstorm - and the Pigman had been to the zoo . John and I got over to the house around eight o ' clock and were all set to watch a television show when we noticed Mr . Pignati was sad as all get out . I don 't even want to tell you this part , but one of us has to . It 's very depressing ; it really is . The minute we walked into the house I knew there was something wrong with him . He looked sick . Just worn out and sick , even though he was trying to smile , and you could tell he was feeling low . I told him to stay in his chair and I 'd get the refreshments , and he looked rather grateful for my offer . " Bobo 's getting old β¦ . " I heard Mr . Pignati say as I served him a glass of wine . John had a can of beer , and I just didn 't feel like anything at that moment . I sat in a creaky wooden chair near the window , and I could feel a terrible draft . Outside , the snow was falling , and it looked very pretty . There were a lot of pine trees , and the snow was sticking to them . It dawned on me then what a strain it must have been on Mr . Pignati to have trudged all the way down to see the baboon . He had even shoveled the walk outside , which I knew was for us . And just at that moment , for no reason at all , I remembered the old lady at Chambers Street saying " Death is coming . " " Anybody hungry ? " I asked , going out to the kitchen again without waiting for an answer . I came back with some candy on a plate . All I wanted was to cheer everybody up . The TV was certainly doing the best it could , with a blond starlet singing " Hurrah for Hollywood β¦ La - La - La - De - Dum " as two hundred chorus boys lifted her up into the air . " Have a piece of candy ? " I asked , offering the plate to John . He was so hypnotized by that starlet he simply reached over and grabbed a piece and stuck it in his mouth without looking . Then a comedian finally told a joke we laughed at . " John , " I whispered , " I think right now is a good time . " I got up and turned the TV down and waited for John to start . He looked very nervous over what we had decided to tell the Pigman . I couldn 't keep from speaking . " It was a game , " I offered , and I felt myself talking on and on , trying to put things on a lighter level . " We didn 't do it to be mean , " I said at last . Finally we had to stop talking and wait for some response from him . He had turned his head away and seemed to be looking out the window . Perhaps John had been right when he said we should 've forgotten the whole thing - never mentioned it . Maybe there are some lies you should never admit to . I had told him we had to be truthful , and now I was sorry because I think I knew before the Pigman opened his mouth what he would have to tell us in return . " I had them make a cake β¦ the bakery β¦ for our anniversary . " He wiped his eyes with a wrinkled handkerchief he took from one of his pockets . " Something like our wedding cake was , with a girl in white on top β¦ and a boy . " She did everything for me . We were each other 's life , " he managed to say and then broke into sobs . He tried to cover his eyes and turn his head so we wouldn 't have to see him like that . Mr . Pignati raised his head slowly and looked at us , tears pouring down his face . John pretended not to notice by watching the television , but I knew he really wasn 't . He might have been thinking about his parents too . I went over and put my hand on Mr . Pignati 's . There was nothing else I could think of doing . Tell us , I wanted to say to him , tell us if it 'll make you feel better . There was a pause , and then John turned to the Pigman . " We 're sorry , " he said , in such a gentle way I wanted to kiss him for it . There was no need to say anything more . You never saw anybody run faster for the kitchen sink in your life , and at last there was a laugh out of Mr . Pignati . I was so relieved he had laughed that I 'd have eaten snails and scungilli or anything else . Ants were nothing . Even the Pigman and I tried one of the chocolates , which tasted a little like candy with crispy rice . John took extra long coming back , and I could hear him getting his roller skates out of the closet in the back room where all the pigs were . I knew he 'd have to do something to try to top my little ant joke . So when he came flying into the living room on skates , I laughed it up so he 'd feel a little better about my slipping him the insects . Then the Pigman wanted to get in on the act . That 's how the three of us were . If one of us did something that was funny , the other two had to come up with something too . Three copycats . It wasn 't exactly that we had to show off so much as that we wanted to entertain each other . We wanted to show equally how much we were thankful for each other 's company . " Number from one to five . " The Pigman started getting a little bit of the old gleam back . " This is going to tell you what kind of a person you are . " He drew a diagram on a piece of paper and laid it in front of us . I thought he had completely flipped . " One day the HUSBAND tells his WIFE that he has to be gone all night to handle some business in a faraway town . The WIFE pleads with him to take her with him because she knows if he doesn 't she will be unfaithful to him . The HUSBAND absolutely refuses to take her because she will only be in the way of his important business . " So the HUSBAND goes alone . When he is gone , the WIFE goes over the bridge and stays with her LOVER . The night passes , and dawn is almost up when the WIFE leaves because she must get back to her own house before her HUSBAND gets home . She starts to cross the bridge but sees an ASSASSIN waiting for her on the other side , and she knows if she tries to cross , he will murder her . In terror , she runs up the side of the river and asks the BOATMAN to take her across the river , but he wants fifty cents . She has no money , so he refuses to take her . Mr . Pignati had to explain the whole story over to me again because it was too complicated to get the first time , but I ended up listing the guilty in this order : 1 . BOATMAN , 2 . HUSBAND , 3 . WIFE , 4 . LOVER , 5 . ASSASSIN . { http : / / dev . epubbud . com / uploads / 9 / 8 / 7 / 9873123 / images / The _ Pigman ___ Zindel __ Paul _ epub / 00008 . jpg } Mr . Pignati started laughing when he looked at our lists . " You both picked the BOATMAN as the one who is most guilty in the death of the woman . Each of the characters is a symbol for something , and you have betrayed what is most important to you in life . " " I 'm glad I picked the boatman , " I said , blushing a little . The order in which John liked things in the world was supposed to be magic , sex , money , fun , and love . The order in which I was supposed to prefer these qualities was magic , love , fun , sex , and money . I thought that was sort of accurate , if you ask me . So John and I laughed a lot for the Pigman , making him think we thought the game was two tons of fun . It wasn 't bad , but it certainly wasn 't two tons of fun . But he always had to do something to try to top us . The longer he knew us , the more of a kid he became . It was cute in a way . After Mr . Pignati finished playing the psychological game with us , John started skating . First he skated just in that hall leading from the dining room to the doorway with the curtains where all the pigs were . But then after a few minutes , he started skating right through the living room while Mr . Pignati and I watched television . Finally he opened the door to the porch so that now he had about fifty feet of nice wooden floor to race on . That looked so attractive I went and put my skates on . Mr . Pignati laughed like anything as we went flying by , and before we knew it he had his skates on and the three of us were zooming right from the porch through the living room and dining room down the hall into the room with the pigs . It was really a scream , particularly when we started playing tag . We were having so much fun I just never thought anyone would hurt himself . I mean , I had forgotten about Mr . Pignati going way down to the zoo in all that snow . I forgot he had shoveled the walk , and I guess for a few minutes I forgot he was so old . John got particularly wild at one point when Mr . Pignati was It and there weren 't many obstacles you could skate around on the ground floor except the kitchen table , and that got mundane after awhile . So John was off , running up the stairs to the bedroom with his skates on , and we were all howling with laughter . Clomp ! Clomp ! What a racket those skates made . And Mr . Pignati started right up after him , puffing like crazy , his face redder than a beet . Clomp ! Clomp ! Clomp ! right up the stairs . Suddenly , just a few steps up , Mr . Pignati stopped . He started to gasp for air and turned around to face me at the bottom of the stairs β¦ trying to speak . Only a horrible moan came out . A terrible chill ran through me when he said that , because I had been afraid Conchetta was not away on a vacation . I didn 't exactly suspect Mr . Pignati of having murdered her and sealed her body behind a wall in the cellar , but I was suspicious . There was something about the glaze in his eyes when he laughed that disturbed me because I could tell he didn 't really believe his own laughter . It was a nervous type of laughing , the same kind as that of a landlady we once had after her husband died in a dentist 's chair while he was under gas . I just couldn 't smile at his joke . I thought it was very sad . I mean , that cute little girl in the ruffled dress had already grown up , gotten married , lived her life , and was underground somewhere . And Mr . Pignati wasn 't able to admit it . That landlady used to think her husband was going to come back one day too , but she died less than two months after him . I 've always wondered about those cases where a man and wife die within a short time of each other . Sometimes it 's only days . It makes me think that the love between a man and a woman must be the strongest thing in the world . When I got home that night , I thought of them again , but another thought struck me . I realized how many things the Pigman and his wife must have shared - even the fun of preparing food . Good food is supposed to produce good conversation , I 've heard . I guess it 's no wonder my mother and I never had an interesting conversation when all we eat is canned soup , chop suey , and instant coffee . I think I would have learned how to cook if she had ever encouraged me , but the one time I tried baking a cake she said it tasted horrible and was a waste of money . " This one has sex on the brain . He has only got a couple of months to live , and he 's still got itchy fingers . " I watched my mother powdering her nose at the kitchen table . She leaned forward between sips of coffee , dabbing at her face . " Don 't bother . I 'll have breakfast at their house . His wife is treating me with kid gloves because they know a nurse isn 't easy to come by - particularly when they 've got to put up with what I 've got to . Make yourself something . " " Wait until I see if I can take one from the job . I think I saw some when I was going through the closets yesterday . " She checked herself in the bathroom mirror and then headed for the door . " Give me a kiss - and lock the doors and windows . Don 't open for anyone , do you hear me ? " I watched her waiting on the corner until the bus came . If I strained my neck , I could always catch a glimpse of her standing there in her white uniform and white shoes - and she usually wore a short navy - blue jacket , which looked sort of strange over all that white . As I watched her I remembered all the times she said how hard it was to be a nurse - how bad it was for the legs , how painful the varicose veins were that nurses always got from being on their feet so much . I could see her standing under the street light β¦ just standing there until the bus came . It was easy to feel sorry for her , to see how awful her life was - even to understand a little why she picked on me so . It hadn 't always been like that though . Lots of times I 'd cry myself to sleep , but more and more I felt myself thinking of the Pigman whenever I felt sad . Sometimes just after I put the light out , I 'd see his face smiling or his eyes gleaming as he offered me the snails - some little happy detail I thought I had forgotten - and I 'd wish my mother were more like him . I 'd wish she knew how to have a little fun for a change . I got most of the work done in plenty of time for John and me to meet the Pigman down at the Staten Island ferryhouse by eleven thirty that morning . Mr . Pignati said he 'd meet us there after he had stopped at the zoo to feed Bobo , which was fine with John . He loves to wait for people in the ferryhouse because all the bums and drunks come over . He really drives them crazy . They 've got drunks and bums all over the Staten Island ferryhouse , but not half as many as they 've got on the other side at South Ferry . John makes them tell their whole life story before he 'll give them a nickel . This one bum who came over said his name was Dixie . Everybody called him Dixie because he came from the South . Then he told this story about how he used to be a professor at Southern Pines University , but he took some LSD as part of an experimental program and lost his power of concentration . His whole academic life had come to an end because he 'd lost his power of concentration . I thought of writing a story about him until John told me the same bum had come up to him a month ago and said his name was Confederate . He said they called him that because he was from the South . John said he told an entirely different story - about how he had been taking a speed - reading course and he was reading faster than anybody in the world . He said he used to read so fast he had to buy two copies of every book and cut the pages out and put them on tables around the room , and then he 'd run by the pages . That 's how fast he could read . He said he was written up in Scientific American magazine in the January , 1949 , issue , and anybody could check it out . He was supposed to have a sister in Marlboro , Vermont , who could do the same thing . And then the tragedy was supposed to have happened . He was running around the room so fast he banged into a table and lost his power of concentration . The Pigman got there in time for us to get the eleven forty - five boat to Manhattan . I just had to go along on this trip to Beekman 's Department Store because John has absolutely no control over himself . If I had let him and Mr . Pignati go alone , John would have charged half the store . He wouldn 't have done it to be mean . He just isn 't used to people giving him stuff , and that 's what Mr . Pignati wanted to do . When the ferry docked on the other side , we got off on the upper deck , which meant we had to walk down this long , curving ramp that looks like a poor man 's Guggenheim Museum . The subway station is right there , so we went down the stairs and got on the Seventh Avenue Local . When you take the Seventh Avenue Local , you have to switch at Chambers Street for the Seventh Avenue Express . It really can get boring unless you keep your eyes open . There was one woman at Chambers Street who was talking to herself a mile a minute , and I know now it was another omen . " Death is coming , " she kept repeating . " God told me death is coming . He calls me his little chatty doll β¦ God 's chatty doll β¦ . " Mr . Pignati started getting excited when we got inside with all those Saturday shoppers . You could tell right off he was going to show us around as though he owned the place . He took us right to the fancy - food store on the eighth floor . It was probably the only part of Beekman 's he 'd ever been to , and I could just picture Conchetta and him pushing the cart up and down the aisles picking out all that vile food . " Now you pick out some things you 'd like to try . " He smiled at me . John had already picked out a carton of tiger 's milk and a box of chocolate - covered ants . Ugh . Anything to be weird . But I really didn 't . And still it felt good . No one had ever bought me stuff like this before - something I just liked and didn 't need and didn 't even ask for . Now I knew how John felt because I felt the same way . " Is there something you 'd like here ? " Mr . Pignati asked , and I knew he meant it . I had no intention of accepting anything more , but I couldn 't help looking around . I began to get terrified at what my mother would say when I brought her home three pairs of stockings . I 'd have to tell her some girl friend at school bought them by mistake and wanted to sell them cheap or something like that . But then I broke out laughing . The visit to the toy department was something else . I hadn 't been in Beekman 's toy department in years , not since I was three years old and my mother took me to sit on Santa Claus ' lap . It was fun then , but now everything was made out of cheap plastic , and you could tell the stuff would break in a minute . The one thing that really got my goat was these ships in bottles . They were ships in bottles all right , but the bottles were made out of plastic . They had bottoms so you could open the bottle up and take the ship out whenever you felt like it . I mean , they lost the whole point of having a ship in a bottle . You 're supposed to wonder about how it got in there , not be able to screw the bottom off the thing and take the ship out whenever you feel like it . And there was the arsenal of course : guns , pistols , shotguns , slingshots , knives , and swords . It 's no wonder kids grow up to be killers with all that rehearsal . There was enough artillery in Beekman 's toy department to wipe out Red China and the Mau - Mau tribe of Africa , and I personally think some of the toy manufacturers could use a good course in preventative psychiatry . " Kitchykitchykitchykoo , " John said , tapping his finger on the side of an aquarium that had two piranha flesh - eating fish in it . One of them darted for his finger and bumped its nose on the glass . Next to them were three little monkeys in a cage that were hugging each other like crazy , and you - know - who stopped to talk to them for half an hour . The three monkeys were hugging each other desperately , and I really had to smile , watching them . Here they were , clinging to each other in the pet shop at Beekman 's , looking out at everybody with those tiny , wet eyes - as though pleading for love . They looked so lonely and sweet just holding on to each other . Now that 's the kind of logic that really sets John off . That floorwalker could have simply said that monkeys bite or that popcorn is not their natural diet or something like that - but instead he had to think he was a schoolteacher . From that moment on , every time the floorwalker half turned his back John made believe he was throwing popcorn into the monkey cage , and I thought that man was going to go insane . " He 's not spending any money , " John corrected . " He 's going to charge them ! " He ran ahead and caught up with the Pigman , who was heading for the sports department . " I used to love roller - skating , " he answered . He looked so happy and funny bending over in his seat , trying to put on one of the skates , that I had to laugh . One part of me was saying " Don 't let this nice old man waste his money , " and the other half was saying " Enjoy it , enjoy doing something absolutely absurd " - something that let me be a child in a way I never could be with my mother , something just silly and absurd and β¦ beautiful . " John , are you crazy ? " Just as the words came out of my mouth I could tell from the fallen expression on his face that if I didn 't wear the roller skates , I 'd be letting him down . I 'd be disappointing him in the main thing that he liked about me . I - and maybe now even the Pigman - were the only ones he knew who could understand that doing something like roller - skating out of Beekman 's was not absolutely crazy . Everything in his home had to have a purpose . There was no one there who could understand doing something just for fun - something crazy - and that was what he 'd liked about me from that first day when I laughed on the bus and was just as crazy as he was . All John was doing was opening his arms and in his own way saying : " Look at me , world ! Look at my life and energy and how glad I am to be alive ! " We must have looked just like three monkeys . The Pigman , John , and me - three funny little monkeys . My son adores playing with a doll I bought for him last Xmas . He spends hours with it , putting doll clothes on it and feeding it on doll dishes . This aggravates his father no end , and several other adults have made nasty remarks about it too . Personally , I see nothing wrong with Timothy playing with this doll because it is a sailor doll . He puts a cute little white hat and uniform on it and I think the image is totally masculine . Why is it when a little girl plays Cowboys and Indians everyone says she 's a darling little tomboy , but when a boy plays with a doll they say he 's queer ? Please answer this . Lorraine told you she thinks Norton and I hate each other . It 's true . Norton is so low on the scale of evolution he belongs back in the age of the Cro - Magnon man . Norton actually did play with dolls when he was a kid . That was his mother 's fault , just like in that " Dear Alice " column . When he was old enough to know better , he didn 't play with dolls anymore . But the kids used to make cracks about him , so that made him go berserk around the age of ten . He was the only berserk ten - year - old in the neighborhood . From then on he turned tough guy all the way . He was always picking fights and throwing stones and beating up everybody . In fact , he got so tough he used to go around calling the other guys sissies . When I was a freshman going through my Bathroom - Bomber complex , Norton was a specialist in the five - finger discount . He used to shoplift everywhere he went . It used to be small - time stuff like costume jewelry for his mother and candy bars and newspapers . Then he got even worse , until now his eyes even drift out of focus when you 're talking to him . He 's the type of guy who could grow up to be a killer . As soon as he mentioned DD I felt like socking him right in the face . I mean , DD is this lunatic man on Richmond Avenue who makes believe he 's the leader of organized crime on Staten Island , but all he handles are the hubcaps and radios that kids steal . King of the kids . The grin on Norton 's face faded away so quickly you 'd think I just stuck a knife into him . " You wouldn 't happen to know where I could buy some β¦ marshmallows , would you ? " I said , smiling . I yawned and stretched my arms into the air . " Well , I can see this conference is over . Thanks for the beer . " Then I threw my empty bottle way in back of the tomb . I mean , I was really furious by this time , and I started walking down the path from the top and out across the white gravel courtyard . " Maybe we 'll pay a visit real soon ! " Norton called out , and I turned to see him standing on top of the tomb . I walked a few steps farther so that I was about a hundred yards or so away , and then I spun around . " That kid 's going to be a real drinker , " he 'd say in front of company , and then I 'd go through my beer - drinking performance for everybody , and they 'd laugh their heads off . It was about the only thing I ever did that got any attention . My brother was the one everybody really liked - Kenny , the smart college kid . The only thing I did better than him was drink beer . When Bore got sclerosis of the liver like Lorraine told you , he stopped drinking , but I didn 't . I don 't think I know exactly what year I noticed it , but then all of a sudden Bore and the Old Lady got old . They didn 't fight anymore . They didn 't do much of anything anymore , which is why I guess I nicknamed them the way I did . They just seemed tired , and I seemed out of place in the house . I had become a disturbing influence , as they say . If I light up a cigarette , all my mother 's really worried about is that I 'm going to burn a hole in the rug . If I want a beer , she 's worried I 'm not going to rinse the glass out . " John , please do whatever you like . Make yourself comfortable . If you want something out of the refrigerator , help yourself . I want you to feel at home . " I don 't happen to Tony 's Market , which is on the cornerbuy all of Victory BoulevardLorraine 's stuff about omens . She talks about me distorting , but look at her . I mean , she thinks she can get away with her subliminal twists by calling them omens , but she doesn 't fool me . The only difference between her fibs and Cebra Avenue . All the kids gomine are that hers are eerie - she 's got a gift for saying things that make you anxious . I happen to Tony 's because he sells beerhave enjoyed that little trip to anyone and for some reason the police leave him alone . John thinks he pays them off , butzoo even if she didn 't . I think it 's just that old Tony has a nice , friendly face and believes in the old days when they thought a little alcoholit was good for everyone . He 's sort of nice that a father - image withbaboon had a cultural lag . " You 're not going to cashfriend like Mr . Pignati . I 'd say that check , " I said . " You can send it back to him in an envelope or tear it up or - " " If we don 't cash it , he 'll know somethingbaboon was funny @ # $ % lucky . As a matter of fact , the way the Pigman was treating Lorraine and really call the police , " me you 'd have thought he toldliked us as much as Bobo . He bought me with typical John Conlan logic . I refused to talk to him for five minutes while I dranktwo cotton - candies - on - a - stick , one bag of peanuts , and a chocolate drink I bought with my own money while John cashed the check andbanana split at this homemade ice - cream palace . Lorraine got a six - packat least four bags of beerpeanuts , one cherry ice - cream cone , and a pack of cigarettes . I just stared at him drinking his beerblack - and - white soda . If you let her , Lorraine would eat until she dropped , and waitedif she keeps going at that rate , I 'm afraid she 's going to see how long it would take forbe somewhat more than voluptuous . She could end up just plain fat . " What do you mean why ? " He raised his voice , which is typical whenme . Besides , he needswas harmless - a little crazy - but really harmless . Iwe didn 't get homeover to the Pigman 's until that night until after six thirty , and Iaround seven o ' clock . That was a little scaredbecause when I found my mother there . She 's a private nurse and was supposed to be working a four - to - twelve shift that night . I never have to worry about finding my fatherwe were heading over there because he left fifteen years ago when they got a legal separation , at three thirty , we ran into Dennis and then he died six years ago , which made it a more permanent separation . As it is , my mother 's enoughNorton who wanted to worry about . " I don 't care whatcemetery called Masterson 's Tomb . That 's where all the kids do . I don 't wantfamous Mastersons are buried , you know . It 's a fantastic place because they have acres and acres all for their own tomb , and it 's fenced in there . I 've seen those boys hanging around there , and they ' vewith a private road which they only gotopen up when one thing on their minds . " The tomb is a great big marble building that 's set in the minute I got there . " She started brushing her hair . " At least his worriesside of a hill so only the fancy front sticks out . The columns and everything are over . " " Of course he died . I told his daughter two days ago he wasn 't going to lastnice , but it 's all chained up , so we climb up the week . Put some coffee water on . " I was glad to be able toside of the hill and get out to the kitchen becauseon top by these two glass domes that let you peek down inside . You can 't actually see anything , but it sure makes me sad to watch my mother brush her hair . My mom is a very pretty woman when she has her long brown hair down , and when she smiles , which is hardly ever . She just doesn 't look the way she sounds , and I often wonder how she got this way . It 's not exactly easy being her daughter , and more than once I 've thought about what a good psychiatrist could do for her . Actually , Iyou wonder . " I mean the old guy 's throat was closing , loveliest places to be - if you 're not dead , of course . The hills and he was bouncing upgreen grass and down in bed for days . If they don 't think I knowflowers are much nicer than what you get when a cancer patient is goingyou 're alive . Sometimes we go there at midnight and hide behind stones to wind up , they 're very much mistaken . " Once I brought home some canned goods I borrowedran away from Lorraine and the pantry . They 'll never miss them . The family has started fighting over his money already . I think there ' sothers and hid in a canpart of turkey soup . Why don 't youthe cemetery that didn 't have that ? " I can 't tell you what she 'd do ifperpetual care . That 's the part where no one pays to keep the grass cut . I ever took anything , but she isn 't even ashamed of what she does . She figures they don 't pay her enough , so she 'll even itwas just lying on my back , looking up her own way . She came intoat the kitchenstars , and opened a jar of instant coffee . I handed her this oversized coffee cupwas so loaded I thought I gave her for her last birthday . It has " MOM " painted in huge letters on one side . She cried when she unwrapped it . " Here 's two dollars for your sophomore dues , " she said , puttingcould feel the moneyspin of the earth . All those stars millions of light years away shining down on the table . " That school thinks it 's easy for a womanme - me glued to support a kid by herself - two dollars for this , five dollars for that β¦ twenty - three bucks for a dental certificate ! minor planet spinning around its own gigantic sun . I stretched out and touched stone . I can 't even affordremember pulling my hands back to get myself a pairmy sides , just keeping my eyes on the stars , concentrating on bringing them in and out of nylons . " She pulled her bathrobefocus . " Is there anyone up and moved so quickly toward methere trying to talk to me ? Anybody up there ? " " Anybody down there ? " If I thought she was going to hit me . " Look at them ! There 're so many runs you 'd thinklying on somebody 's grave , whoever it was would be six feet away . Maybe there had been a cat chewed them . " " Paylot of erosion , and whoever it now . Nobody is going to talk about us behind our backs . Besides , I got an extra ten from Solvies . " " Solvieswas was only five feet away β¦ or four . Maybe the undertaker . The family let me call Solvies , and they always slip me an extra ten fortombstone had sunk at the business . How 's the turkey soup ? " " I heard Berdeen 's Funeral Parlor is slipping twenty under the table , so maybe I 'll give them a little business when the next one croaks . As soonsame rate as this one died I called the Nurses ' Registry , but they won 't have anything for me until the day after tomorrow . Another terminal cancer . " She sat down opposite me at the tableerosion , and lifted the cup to her lips . body was only a foot away below me - or an inch . Maybe if I tried to keepput my eyes onhand through the big painted letters . " No , " I said quietly , hoping she wouldn 't explode . Sometimes it 's just the way I say one word that gets her going , and she 's so quick with her hand it 's hard to thinkhand . Perhaps both arms of her being gentle to sick people . I blewcorpse were on a spoonfuleither side of soup . " I didme right at that moment . What could be left ? A few bones . The skull . The worms and bacteria had eaten the laundry yesterday . " " Look upsucked them up . Maybe one of the telephone numbermolecules of Berdeen 's Funeral Parlor for me and jot it down . I want to have it handy just in case . " " Yeah , it 's important . Later on in life I 'm sure you 're goingthe strand of grass next to run around talking Latinmy ear . But the embalmers drain all over the place . " Then I got very sad because I knew I wanted to be a writer . Writer ! wasn 't really wondering about the guy underneath me , whoever he was . I canwas just hear her . After she wentinterested in what was going to bed , happen to me . I called John . His mother answeredthink that 's probably the phone , andreal reason I could tell there was some trouble over there . " Well , it 's all right with me , " graveyard . I 'm not afraid of seeing ghosts . I whispered , keeping one eye on the bedroom door . Anyway , we cut school . That 's easy because this girl by the name of Deanna Deas is in love with Johnfinally got away from Norton and she happensDennis , but it was too late to go over to work in the Dean 's office which gets the cut and absentee cards the teachers send down - if they happenPigman 's - mainly because Lorraine had to remember . So Deanna said she 'd fix it up so John and I wouldn 't get anything sent home , although I 'll bet she was sorry she wasn 't cuttinghome to check in with John . Somehow I don 't really think she was jealous . People just don 't get jealousher mother . She finally got out of me . I 'm the typehouse again that night by performing an elaborate ritual about having to go to the boss 's wife would hirelibrary . As for her husband 's secretary . Deanna Deas ismyself , I didn 't have much of a problem . John and I arrived around nine thirty and sat downpatting a cocker spaniel on the benches athead . Bore has a seat on the entrance . The sea - lion pool is right there , Coffee Exchange , and if he sells more than two hundred lots in a day , he 's in a good mood . Anything less than that kept John busy while I was combing my hair and polishing my Ben Franklin sunglasses . I don 't wear all crazy clothes , there 's trouble . " It was like pulling teeth , " Bore returned , slightly embarrassed but I dopleased with the praise . He cut deep into the steak on his plate . " Wait until you start working , John . " " I have to get the dessert , " the Old Lady said , violently polishing a teaspoon and dashing out to the kitchen . She always gets terrified if it looks like my Ben Franklin sunglasses because everyone looks at me whenfather and I wear them . I usedare going to have any type of discussion . A suitable pause occurred after Hyper left the room , and then he started in . " Don 't be afraidfresh . I was thinking maybe you 'd like to have people lookwork with me over at me , but ever sincethe Exchange a few days a week . Just after school ? " I almost choked on a mouthful of yams when he said that . I met John I seemmean , I 've been over to wear little things that make them look . He wears phony nosesthe Exchange and moustachesseen all the screaming and things like that . He 's even gotbarking Bore has to do just to earn a big pin that says " MY , YOU ' RE UGLY , " few bucks , and if he wears that once in awhile . I really didn 't wantthought I was going to go to the zoo . I don 't like seeing all those animals and birds and fish behind bars and glass just so a lothave any part of people can stare at them . And I particularly hatethat madhouse , he had another thought coming . " It 'd be better than the Baron Park Zoo because the attendants thereway you waste all your time now . After all , what are not intelligent . They really aren 't . The thing that madeyou going to do in life ? " " Your brother is doing very well at the zooExchange . He makes a fine living , and there 's still room for you . I 've only got a few years ago was the way one attendant fed the sea lions . He climbed up on the big diving platform in the middle of the poolleft , and unimaginatively just droppedsomebody has to take over . " Every time he says that , I mean , if you 're goingget a little sick to feed sea lions , you ' remy stomach because I know it 's true . He 's almost sixty years old , and I know he 's not supposedgoing to plopbe around much longer . All the food intoguys at the tank . You can tell by the expressions on their faces that the sea lions are saying thingsExchange drop dead of heart attacks . They gather around this circle and bellow out bids all day long , like " Don 't dumpMexicans at a bullfight . " Dad , it 's the happiest dog on earth . only thing I 'm really interested in doing . I know just how the minds of animals work - just the kind of games they likewant to play . The closestgo to acting school right after graduation . Everyone says that 's what I ever cameshould be , with my imagination - " " I just don 't want to havingwear a pet wassuit every day and carry an old mongrel that usedattachΓ© case and ride a subway . I want to hang aroundbe me . Just me . Not a phony in the neighborhood . crowd . " I felt sorry foryour strawberry whirl ? " The Old Lady stood at the old man because people just don 't go around smiling likekitchen door , wiping forks a mile a minute . I should have said nothing , but it was a conditioned reflex . " One of these days it 'll be first ? Peanuts ? Soda ? The Snake Building ? " He sounded so excited you 'd have thought we had just landed on Venus . I should have just left there and then because I knew things weretoo late to apologize . Your mother isn 't going to get involved . I realize now there were plentybe around forever either , you know . When she 's dead , you 're going to wish to God you 'd been nicer to her . Mark my words . " He sliced another piece of bad omens withinsteak and groaned when the next few minutes . If I 'd had halfknife wouldn 't go through a brain , I 'd have Pogo - sticked it right outbit of there . I mean , that 's how antagonistic she was . A real devoted antagonist . You could tell she hated kids - just hated them . not to be ? " " I am not . I don 't know whether one of the requirements of dealing with kids is thatwant you have to hate them to begin with , or whether workinggo along with kids makesthe crowd . I want you hate them , but one way or another it worksto be your own man . Stand out that way - except with people likein your own way . " " Be yourself ! Be individualistic ! " he called after me as soon as it heard me open my bagme . " But for God 's sake get your hair cut . You look like an oddball . " " Your father 's a bad day was when we went into the nocturnal room of the Mammal Building . The whole room is pretty dark so you can see these animals that only come out at night , like owls and pottos and cute little vampire bats . tired tonight . Maybe you 'd better go over to a friend 's house to do your homework ? I had never seen this nocturnal room before , mean he 's worked hard , and I almost went into shock when I gotdon 't think we should aggravate him , do you ? " " Would you like a look at the vampire bats . They had some explanatory pictures next to their glass cage that showed a couple of bats sucking the blood out of wine ? " Mr . Pignati offered , straightening up a horse 's neck whilefew things in the horseliving room . It was sleeping . He took us through the railingdownstairs part , and leaning against the glass ofless you know about that the bat cage . Only he wasn 't looking atbetter . The first time we were there we saw the bats . He was looking at youhallway when youwe came to look atin and the bats . And when I came upstairs that went to the cage to see these ugly blood - sucking creatures , I had to look right into this little kid 's faceupper floor - and the living room that had a smirk on it . He made me feel as though I was a bat in a cage and hereally lived in . There was also this dining room affair with the kind of furniture you see everybody put out on the outside lookingstreet for the Sanitation Department in at me . It all made me very nervous . Then on the only one who loved it moreother side there was John . John likes thingsa door leading to a porchlike room that looked like king vultures and alligators . He was even excitedsomeone had tried to fix it up so it could be lived in but had failed . And the snake house . As far as snakes go , I think once you 've seen one , you 've seen them all . So I let him andonly other thing on the Pigman go on running around while I took this snake quiz thatfirst floor was on a lighted sign . They had ten statementskitchen , and youthat 's where we stopped because Lorraine was hungry . I mean , we were really making ourselves at home there after awhile . At first we had just stood around , bashful about touching his things . We 'd walk over to pick out which ones were false . I mean , treasure hunt , and he kept smiling and saying , " Just make yourself at home . You just go right ahead and make yourself at home . " But it was not exactlyreally all a depth quiz . lot of junk . The most interesting thing I found was right on every one of them . Just in case you 're trying to take it , I won 't put down whicha table drawer full of old Popular Mechanics magazine , and the statements are false untilmost interesting thing Lorraine found was the endicebox . " Ummmm ! " Lorraine muttered as she stuffed a good spray deodorant . A little door was open at the back of the cage , and apparently Bobo was in the inner part where they get fed . At last Bobo decided to make an appearance . He was the ugliest , most vicious - looking baboon I 've ever seen in my life . I mean a real baboon . And there 's the Pigman , the smiling Pigman , leaningroom with all the way overpigs , and I started lifting the guardrail , tossing peanutsbigger ones to see what country they were made in . You could hear Lorraine upstairs for about five minutes . When she came downstairs , she had this mean baboon . Mr . Pignati would take a peanut , hold it uppicture in the air , and say , " Bobo wanther hands . There was a peanut ? " And Bobo would show these monstrous teeth that looked like dentures when they don 't quite fit , andpause . Then the beast would grunt and swoon and move its headsmile faded off the Pigman 's face . He took the picture from side to side . " Uggga . Uggga ! " " Conchetta ? " Lorraine repeated nervously . We both knew something was wrong but couldn 't reachput our finger on it . Sometimes Bobo would catchI got the peanut like a baseball . And the expressions on both their faces got to be upsetting . Johnidea that maybe his wife had gotten bored with Boborun off to California and moved downleft him . I mean , you couldn 't blame her when you stop to the next cagethink that hadher husband 's idea of a gorilla . Hebig time was imitating Tarzanto go to the zoo and going AaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaH ! - which I don 't thinkfeed a baboon . " She liked that picture because of the dress , " he went on . " It was the most original performance that gorilla hadonly picture she ever seen . Can you imagine what gorillas must think after beingliked of herself . " He got up and put it in a zoo a few yearsthe table drawer where all those old Popular Mechanics books were , and hearing practically every boy who comeswhen he turned around , his eyes looked like he was going to start crying . Suddenly he forced a smile and said , " Go upstairs and look around while I get you some wine . Please feel at them go AaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaH ? If that isn 't enough to give an animal paranoia , home , please β¦ . " " Mr . Pignati , we 'll meetroom was a huge bore . The ceiling slanted on the far side , and there was only one window . It was okay if you back here in twenty minutes . " I wanted to make sure he understood . " I 'm sure you will , " John addedkeep somebody as we went outthe Prisoner of the monkey house and got on this mechanical contraption that came by . ItZenda , but it looked like a train , androtten place to work . All it had five cars with rubber wheels becausewas this big desk made by taking a thick piece of plywood and laying it didn 't run onover two wooden horses , and a track . It only went about four miles an hour , bookcase with blueprints and stuff in it , and it 's a good thing because this blond - haired boy drivingbig oscilloscope , with its guts hanging out , in the thingcorner . There were three old TV sets too , but they looked like hethey didn 't quite know what he was doing . Then I had eaten more peanuts than Bobo , so I just sat back and watchedwent into the landscape drift by . We passedroom on the bald eagle ( which is alsoright of the nickname forhall . It was a bedroom - much neater than the principalrest of our high school ) , the white - tailed deer , tahr goats , three white - bearded gnu , lions inhouse - and it had a pit , one otter , a black leopard , a striped hyena ( " a raiderlot of graves " ) , two cheetahs that were fighting , four Bengal tigers , drawers and things to go through . Bylacy ladies ' coats , and hats that time we were almost back tolooked like they must have been the Primate Building , so we jumped offpurple rage at the tiny train and watchedturn of the alligators being fed . They were intenth century . It was a big outdoor pool , and two attendants were throwing huge chunksloss ; it really was . And let me tell you , this room was a little nerve - racking too . It had a double bed with a cover made of millions of meatruffles , and bone right at them . They ate the bones and all . It really made me feelway the pillows were laid out , it looked like gagging . there might be a dead body underneath . I mean , I just don 't see any point in having animals likechecked that running around on earth . out right away , but there were only pillows . Then I think God goofedfound one drawer in the dresser bureau that department , if you ask me . There were some pictures , and was still chuckingI looked at them over to Bobo , who kept flashing his dentures at him . Then John decided to strikequickly . Also there were some bills and old letters and things tied up a conversation with the gorilla . Only the gorilla started to make these terrifying noises , and John started to make believe he was a monkeyputrid ribbon and began screaming back atthen - sort of funny - this little pamphlet caught my eye . It was called WHAT EVERY FAMILY SHOULD KNOW . That 's all there was on the gorilla . I joined in finallycover , and got this pair of chimpanzees going . " Uggauggaboo " I told them , and they knew right away it was a game . really had my curiosity up , so I opened it . The very first page gave me the creeps . Then I heard this " Uggauggaboo , " broken thingamajig to close it , and I 'll be darned if it wasn 't Mr . Pignati starting in . And before you knew it , all threehad jewelry in it - a lot of us were going Uggauggaboo , junky women 's jewelry that looked like it was made out of paste and we had Bobo , two chimps , and the gorilla worked up into such a tizzystuff . I thought the roofmean , that wife of his - Mr . Pignati 's wife - looked like she didn 't take anything with her to California . All those clothes in the monkey housecloset . But how was goingI supposed to fall in . And when Bobo realized he wasn 't goingknow ? Maybe she went to get any more peanuts , youvisit the Pigman 's sister in a nudist camp or something . They do anything in California - crazy religions and that kind of thing . |
The news came on Friday afternoon , as Mandy and I were headed out to an " Engaged Encounter " up in Estes Park . Janice called . I always like talking to Janice . She sounded upset , and asked if I was busy . I 'm always free for Janice . So she breaks the news , " Andy passed away . " My reaction , after a good long pause is " Oh . " Then , after another pause , " Oh . " I knew Andy had been in the hospital for suicidal thoughts , but I hoped it wasn 't that β¦ Mandy didn 't know who was on the phone , or what the phone call was about , so when I got off the phone with Janice I told Mandy that Andy had died , taken his own life . We were in shock . I pulled into a Wal - Mart parking lot , and we cried together . We wondered why . We felt guilty for not being better friends , for not calling him more often , for not being more intentional with him , as he had been with us . I guess that 's the knee - jerk reaction to the news , " what could we have done better ? " I tried not to let myself go there , I knew it wasn 't right , wasn 't good , wasn 't true . We sat in the car , with the sparse rain coming down , making the comforting pings and dings that lets you know that you aren 't alone in your grief . We prayed for Andy 's parents , for Becky , for ourselves , for discernment in how to act . We hadn 't prayed together in a long while , but this kind of thing warrants a deviation from the norm . " Lord , be comfort to Becky . " There was a moment when we decided we would go to the engaged thing despite this news , and part of it was out of obligation . I 'll skip most of the engaged thing , it 's not that interesting , but what was good was that Mandy and I have decided that we can 't be lackadaisical about God and his church . I talked on the phone a few times to Kyle and Janice , and got word that the service would be on Tuesday . We got back on Sunday , and bought plane tickets to Detroit for the funeral service . It felt good spending that money . Like Andy would 've done . I was going to leave on Monday morning and get in on Monday afternoon , and Mandy would come in later that night , and I would pick her up from the airport . Mandy went to her apartment in Denver while I packed up my stuff for Michigan . I used my phone a lot that night , calling Matt , Kyle , Janice , and a few others that I might not remember . Becky called in the middle of this . She said " Hi , Phil , " with a little quaver in her voice . " Hi , Becky , " I replied . She asked me if I could help find some songs for the memorial service to play , songs that Andy liked . She said she could only remember " Agnus Dei " as one of his favorites . We talked only briefly , and I offered to play at the service , and she said she would appreciate it . She said she 'd give my cell phone number to her pastor , who was coordinating the service . I said I would be glad to help in any way . I had to find songs to play . Out came the old worship word document that Andy had compiled . He took a lot of time putting that together . After it got passed down to me , I added a table of contents , and a little bit of flair at the top , but it still reeked of Andy Huang 's handiwork . Flipping through it brought back waves of memories of leading worship for InterVarsity . Good and bad memories , but time has a way of erasing the bad . Nostalgia , it was . I called a few people and asked them to think of what songs Andy really liked to play . Funny though , all the songs were happy songs , and songs about bringing the good news to the world . The songs he loved reflected his passions . Janice and I talked about which songs would be good , and came up with three : " Agnus Dei " , " He Knows My Name " , and " When I Think About the Lord " . " He Knows My Name " I remembered specifically Andy saying he liked it , mainly because it was such an " Asian " song ; About personal worth . " When I Think About the Lord " was definitely one of Andy 's favorites , I remembered him getting Caleb Carruth 's CD Darkness Falls , and just playing that CD over and over . In his green Honda CRV . Practicing those songs on my bed with the door closed was very sad . " β¦ He sees each tear that falls / And hears me when I call β¦ " Yeah , and the fact that the songs were picked specifically to be Andy 's favorites , made them especially hard to sing . So I packed up all my stuff , and made my way to Mandy 's , to eat some dinner and to sleep before my flight in the morning . I ended up staying up really late , talking on the phone to Mike Robinson and Dan Bekins , who during the course of our conversation both bought plane tickets to Detroit . It was good to talk to those guys again , and at the same time as well . I also called up Mike Martin that night and told him what was going down , he said he 'd try to make it . So I got dropped off at my parents ' house Monday afternoon by Pete 's mom , and I putzed around for a little bit , cleaned up a little bit , and got ready for Kyle to come pick me up . We drove to the airport to get Mike Martin , whose flight was on - time , but his ride was not . We then had to go back to Ann Arbor to pick up Andy Wang from the Amtrak station . I hadn 't seen Andy Wang in a long time . We went to Kyle 's place to clean it up a bit , and so the three not - Kyles cleaned up the place while Kyle went to the airport again and got some people who weren 't going to the funeral , but needed to be picked up anyway . Kyle , 2 , Phil 2 . Dan 's flight got re - routed through another city , so he was going to get in around 11 : 30 , which was fine , because Jason Yee was to get in at 11 : 15 , and Mandy was coming in at 11 : 50 . It looked like it all might come together . Kyle 's sister Kim and his mom got in around 9 , and we talked for a while about the tragedy that had happened , and how it affected us . I like Kyle 's mom . She 's really fun to talk to , and she has a lot of wisdom and truth to speak as well . When they left for Meijer , Kyle and I drove to my parents ' house again to get the car so that I could pick up the other folk . I think there 's a lapse in my memory , because the next thing I remember is being at the airport , picking up Jason Yee , and then going back to the " cell - phone lane " to wait for Dan to get in . Jason and I had only met once before , but he 's an easy guy to talk to . He lives in Denver , about two blocks away from the church that Mandy an I have been going to . Strange how things work like that . We talked about IV worship team , the glory days . Jason led worship before Erin Kreihn led it , who preceded Andy Huang , who then brought me into the position . We talked about how the worship at his church is usually professional bands who are hired to come and play . And how we don 't think that 's quite the point . At this point , Dan had arrived , so we picked him up , and then went back to the cell phone lane , to wait for Mandy . Dan and Jason were from the same era in IV , and Dan was large group coordinator when Jason was worship team leader . Jason said they kind of butted heads . I don 't doubt it , Dan 's a by - the - book guy , and Jason is a very open person . So they talked a bit , about their respective jobs , and how Dan programs video games for a living . Mandy finally came in at 12 : 40 , and we all drove back to Ann Arbor . Kyle 2 , Phil 3 . We got to Kyle 's place and dropped Jason off . I said hi to everybody who was there , and then left for my parents ' place . My friends Pete and John were looking for me , and were at my house . I just wanted to go to bed . So we talked for a while , I with Pete , and John at Mandy and Dan . We all looked at how cluttered my house was . The next morning , we shuffled off to Kyle 's place to hang out with people and get ready for the service . I remembered I had to get some picks so I went to the music store that 's pretty close to Kyle 's , and Jason came with me , and got some drum sticks . I bought two yellow and two red ( Andy 's favorite of all time ) tortex picks . When we got back to Kyle 's I tried to practice playing the guitar , since I really hadn 't played since leading worship at Purdue IV . Kyle 's mom was very supportive of me , as she had played in a few funeral services of friends of hers , and she understood how hard it was . Did I mention that I like her ? She 's the bee 's knees . Jason and I got to the church at around 12 : 15 to try to set up and practice . While we were in the atrium talking to the pastors , Becky walked in the door , and the conversation stopped . Becky started crying , and we hugged her . For a long time . Good to see her , good to be able to hug her , to be with her . As of that moment , I was very glad I had come . Becky went in to the room where they had set up the open - casket viewing , and after a while , Jason and I decided we should get to setting up . We started setting up the electronic drums that the church had , and the mics and what not . We decided he would play drums on " Agnus Dei " and piano on " He Knows My Name " . We were undecided for " When I Think About the Lord " . We ran things through a couple times , but something was wrong , they were too upbeat , and didn 't fit the mood well . Jason wanted to try playing on the piano , and me on guitar , so we just went with that . Erin Kreihn arrived later , and we started rehearsing . The dynasty of worship leaders , minus Andy . Somehow it was fitting that we would all get together to play . We decided that I would play piano on " He Knows My Name " and " When I Think About the Lord " , and Jason would sing and play guitar . Erin was to sing lead on all of the songs . She seemed distant , like she was processing stuff still . We broke practice for a while to go visit with Becky and to see Andy 's body in the viewing room . Mandy and I went through and got five feet and broke down crying . We hugged one another and stepped on each others ' feet . We made our way over to where Becky was and she started sobbing with us . We had a big group hug for a while , and I said something stupid that made Becky cry even more . It was very sad to realize that Andy would not be there any more . We had lost a pillar . He was always there when we were at Purdue , he would always show up to little events . We had lost a good friend , a good man , a fighter for the faith . Becky had lost a fiancee , a future husband , a best friend β¦ Erin and Jeff Kreihn went through after we did , and we just stood outside the exit door , silent , looking at the ground , looking at one another 's faces for some hope , some comfort . We just stood there . There was nothing we could do . After a few more people had gone through , and we had stood silent for long enough , we went back to try to practice again . This time , it was a quick run - through , and sound check . They were about to open the doors . We prayed as we always did before large group meetings , and more tears were shed . We took our seats with the Purdue delegate , behind Phil Wong , third row . Kyle and I were to be pallbearers , and we didn 't really know what that would mean , so we walked outside and waited , until the pastors could tell us what we were to be doing . Kyle ran through his speech with me , as we waited for something to happen . We eventually took our seats after the pastors told us what we were doing , and so we sat in the pews , in the church that Andy loved , watching Andy 's casket get rolled down the center aisle . I cried . I sobbed , trying not to be too loud . Mandy was next to me , crying as well , there was something about that time that was just very final . The casket was closed . There was no turning back now . There was an opening hymn , " It is well with my soul . " What a song . Always moves me , but this time , it hit pretty hard . " Though satan should buffet , though trials should come , let this blest assurance control / That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate and hath shed his own blood for my soul . " Amen . Kyle was the first to get up to speak , and he remembered the fun Andy . The Andy that participated in the awake - a - thon and subsequently slept through the rest of the activities of the carnival of idiocy . The Andy who had great aim with a frisbee or a pen . The Andy who would ask , " What 's that smell ? It smells like updog in here . " It was good to remember that side of Andy . We played " Agnus Dei " after Kyle talked . I sang some harmonies with my eyes closed . I couldn 't really bear to look at the people . It scared me to look at them . Like I had to live up to something . Like I wasn 't really Andy , and I was playing the songs he loved , but not the same as he would . A little slower and more somber . Erin sang well , I think she tried her hardest just to keep herself together . We finished and quietly walked back to our pews , not saying a word . Phil Wong mentored Andy while Andy was living in Ann Arbor , and Phil really loved Andy . He spoke about Andy 's love for Christ , and his personal relationship with Andy . How Andy played with his two boys . How Andy would go to Denny 's with Phil , once a week , and usually order Eggs Benedict with water , and Phil would get a cup of coffee . And how one day , Phil would have Andy over to his place , fix him Eggs Benedict , with a glass of the clearest water , and Phil would have a cup of coffee , and they 'd talk about how things were going . Phil started crying during the eulogy , but he did a phenomenal job of expressing Andy . David Baker worked with Andy in Ann Arbor , at the marketing firm Move . David talked about Andy at work . He talked about Andy 's qualities that showed themselves at work . How Andy was frugal , but also lavish , how he was methodical and thorough , how he was spontaneous , how he planned . I enjoyed hearing about it from someone that only knew him for a short time , and in that short time , Andy had shown himself pretty well . I guess that 's how he worked . We played the two remaining songs , " He Knows My Name " and " When I Think About the Lord " . I was on piano , Jason played guitar and sang and Erin sang lead on the first and backing on the second . I hadn 't played piano since I was at Purdue , and though there were a few flubs , it went as well as it could have . " He Knows My Name " is always a hard one to sing , but on that day , it was especially hard . Jason and Erin did wonderfully . " When I Think About the Lord " was new to Erin , but she pulled through like a pro , and Jason played well on the guitar . I did a few fills here and there , and botched a scale , playing F instead of F # . Loudly . I also stopped playing for a couple bars , when I forgot which chord I was playing . But nobody noticed , or at least had the courage to tell me that they noticed . We had played it a little slower during practice , but I think the tempo was good . Not quite Shane and Caleb speed , but contemplative enough . Later , Becky told me that she thought Andy would 've liked the songs . She kind of wanted to stand up during the songs and clap , but didn 't think it was quite appropriate . I 'm not sure , she probably could have , and in remembrance of Andy forcing the clapping , would 've been fine . Man , did Andy want people to clap . He would jump up at the start of singing and start clapping really loudly , to try to get some excitement into the deal . Sometimes it would work , but it usually ended before the song did . Oh well , some people are clappers , some people are not . Andy was a clapper . He would have clapped with these songs . So Pastor Mike began his message with a prayer for people who have died and didn 't know Jesus . I thought it was kind of strange , but I guess Andy was all about reaching out , so it sort of fits . Mike did a good job of speaking directly to the points that were touchy , such as dealing with the suicide , and the guilt that may come with it . And also blaming whoever the scapegoat of choice may be . He spoke strongly and encouragingly , and assured us that Andy was in heaven . Amen . He shared about how Andy grew and how he started buying flowers for Becky . Even though they were expensive and inevitably died . But Becky liked them , and Andy knew that . Later that night , talking to Becky , she said that she still had some flowers from Andy that he had gotten for her earlier in the week . They were all white . We laughed about how Andy always bought the flowers from a grocery store instead of the flower shop just downstairs from Becky 's place . He was frugal , but he was lavish . At the end of the service , Kyle and I were to follow the recessional and casket outside to carry the casket from the entrance of the church to the hearse . That was kind of strange , to be entrusted with such a grave task . I took my place beside the casket , on the left , second from the front . We all lifted and carried his casket to the hearse , and gently slid it in . We watched as the hearse started the engine and slowly drove away . Never had an engine starting sounded so sharp . The slow crunch of the dirt under the tires and the engine humming were the only noises . I didn 't know where to stand while this was going on , so I went and stood by Becky . I gave her a hug . It seemed so final . No chance of return . Becky took my hand and we walked , leading the others , slowly back into the church . I held her hand tight with both hands , and didn 't let go until we were deep inside the church . We hugged again . She thanked the people who had taken care of the refreshments , and we parted . I walked around , talking to people I hadn 't seen in a while . I didn 't really know what to say . Mostly I just gave hugs and said " Hi . " I had to pack up my stuff , so I went back into the sanctuary and got my stuff in order . I put everything away again , but put the picks in my pocket . I set my stuff down by the door , and walked around again , kind of awkwardly talking to people . Andy 's parents came and thanked me for playing , and I said it was an honor . I told his mom that he was the reason that I actually was playing in the first place . Andy really brought me in to the whole worship team thing , partly because he was a little sick of it , and I became the succeeding worship team leader after he . I got a little sick of it too , actually , I had to quit , but that 's another story altogether . We followed similar paths . Lots of people said we played well . I was embarrassed . I mean , I felt like I was taking away from the focus of the day , but I think this was their way of comforting me a little , trying to let me know they appreciated the effort . So it was all right . Before we left , I gave Becky the two red tortex picks that we had used to play with during the service . We talked about what things she had stolen back from Andy 's parents . It was good to frame it in a more humorous light . I guess I awkwardly talked to too many people , because it was 5 : 00 and we hadn 't yet left , and our plane was at 6 : 45 . Mandy said we had to go , so I started saying goodbye . A lot of people said they 'd come to my wedding , which I felt was kind of weird , given the circumstances . Maybe they just needed something to say to break up the awkwardness . We finally left at around 5 : 30 , and had to go get Mike Martin 's stuff from Kyle 's place , so we drove back over to his place and raced across town to pick up my dad so he could drop us off at the airport . It was 6 : 00 by the time we got to my house , but we went to the airport anyway , it 's a quick drive . We got there at 6 : 30 , and ran in to the ticketing counter , but they were closed . My dad had already driven off . We asked if anyone there could get us boarding passes , but they thought it was too late . They said we could come back the next morning and catch the first flight out , at 6 : 30 , but they 'd charge us $ 100 each to fly standby . I was upset . I asked if they really had to do that , given the circumstances , and the lady said she 'd leave a note saying that we could just be ticketed the next morning if we came in early enough , free of charge . I was relieved . In retrospect , I think it was divinely appointed that we would miss our flight . If we had left earlier , we would 've been stuck in rush - hour traffic . There was no avoiding it , we would stay another night . We called Kyle to see if he could come pick us up , because my dad didn 't have a cell phone , my mom had it . Kyle said he 'd send someone . Mike , Mandy and I all stood around , talking about how stupid it was that we were standing around , doing nothing while the plane had not yet taken off . I went and got some sodas for all of us , mandy had a coke , mike had a sprite , and I got some weirdo grape slushy thing . It was super sugary , but all I had eaten that day was three strawberries , two oatmeal - raisin cookies , a sliver of a bagel with cream cheese and a glass of super - sugary lemonade . We each called our points of contact and said we wouldn 't be back until the next morning , they were all gracious and said it was fine . When Kyle arrived , he was with Sandra ( or however you spell that ) in his sister 's green camry sedan with a delaminating headliner . We piled our junk in the trunk ( ha ha ) and got in the back seat . We talked about lots of stuff , from little kids wanting to be " good at thermo " to the high cost of renting silverware . Sandra was a good sport , putting up with my antics , and listening to my stupid stories . Mandy got a phone call from " Juan " about buying silverware on the cheap . We joked about meeting up with " Juan " in his white , unmarked van , and buying the silverware from him , cash . When we got back to Kyle 's place most people had already left , save for a few who had later travel arrangements . They were all listening to Jeff 's stories about his run - in with a drunk hit - and - run driver . Who hit him , and who he saw driving past him while he was talking to the cops . And about his splinter that turned into an abscess . What a guy . We all ate a little pizza , and talked more , joked more , and were silent . Somewhere in there , I ended up going to the bathroom and changing out of my suit and into street clothes . I must 've been in there for a while , because when I came out , Becky was there , sitting on the motley leather and paisley print chair , talking to everyone . I walked over to her and sat on the floor beside the ottoman . " Hi , Becky . " " Hi , Phil . " We talked for a while , about everything that was going on , how she was feeling , how it was strange to drive by herself in her car , how much she appreciated us playing , how honored I was to play , how she was stressed out by Andy 's parents being there , how much I liked talking to her , how we had hugged outside the church and walked back in together , how she wanted people not to be angry at Andy , how much she missed him , how Andy had brought her flowers , how Andy 's depression was leading up to the suicide , how he was doing so much better since Caroline 's wedding , about depression and how much it sucks , and how it can come back worse than ever , how Andy was in heaven , not depressed any more , and how that was a little comforting to her . I told her she was strong . She smiled halfway and nodded . I felt sheepish . I got her another cup of water and poured myself one as well . We talked about stealing Andy 's stuff from his parents , the little things , and she said she got the paperwork for the engagement ring . I told her that her ring was pretty , she said it was beautiful , and how Andy had done such a good job with it . I held her hand and smiled . She shared how it was good to talk to me , because she felt like she could express her feelings , and not just say that she 's " doing ok " . It made me feel a little happy , knowing I could help in some way . She told me her arms were sore from hugging so much . We laughed pretty hard at that one , she said she didn 't want to give crappy hugs to people that were hugging her hard . She said I did a good job with the music , picking songs and what not , and Becky drove Mandy , Mike and I back to my parents ' place , around the ten - minute detour . She had Over the Rhine 's OHIO disc 1 playing in the car . I sang along for a couple bars . " Is there still redemption for anyone β¦ " We had a little light conversation . She dropped us off , and standing in the driveway talking , I again reiterated that she was invited to come to Colorado , and mentioned that Alex would be there too , and that it would be fun , while I made a little motion with my arms . She said that the motion with the arms implied hiking , and she had some reservations about that . We laughed . We all hugged again and said goodbye . I opened the garage door and walked in , listening to the sound of her car driving off . We went to bed , but I stayed up and went to Mandy 's room and wanted to talk to her for a while . We talked until 2 : 45 , and we fell asleep on the little twin bed . We woke up at 3 : 00 to go to the airport , my dad drove us there . He parked the car this time , and came in with us , making sure we could get on the flight . I guess we looked forlorn enough that they got us boarding passes instead of putting us on standby , for no charge . It may not have been our plan , but it worked out in the end . We quietly walked through security , through the dirty , old terminal at Detroit Metro Airport , and took seats next to the gate . I was looking around and saw someone that looked like Phil Wong . I looked again and it was him . Mandy and I went over and talked to him . He showed us some drawings for the book he was writing about adoption and the worth of girls in China . It was beautiful . We talked about our backgrounds a little , I told him I was a mechanical engineer , he told me he did bioengineering in California . He said he worked under a professor who had worked with Y . C . Fung , the continuum / arterial mechanics giant . I was impressed . I told him his eulogy was very good and thanked him for speaking . He was appreciative . He said he was going to Colorado Springs , to Focus on the Family , for a conference on adoption , which was important to them , and he was going to present his book . We wished him luck . The plane was boarding , and they had seats in row 16 . They had to go . We said , " Have a good flight , " half jokingly , and got our stuff and waited to board ourselves . Mike , Mandy and I had all been seated in separate rows , and I asked the flight attendant if Mandy and I could sit together . She put us on opposite sides of the aisle . Mike was incidentally sitting behind me . I didn 't put my seat back because he 's tall and it probably would have crushed his knees . Mandy and I looked at one another and looked at the child sitting in front of Mandy . He was probably about 14 months old , but he was big . He was dressed in a little blue onesy , and was trouble . He screamed when his mom tried to get him to calm down , and he could scream all right . But he was super cute , and you can 't fault a child . I slept through most of the flight , and when I woke up , he was quiet too , sleeping in his mother 's arms . When we got to Denver and de - boarded , I stopped and waited for Phil Wong and his wife . We talked a little about how long they were going to be in town . He asked about the movie that they showed , Mandy said she had read the book . It was a little awkward . We walked toward baggage claim . We didn 't have bags , but we went with them to say goodbye , and gave hugs and shook hands . They are good people . I 'm glad I met them . I 'll probably see them when I go back to Ann Arbor . I hope he gets his book published for the Chinese . Mike , Mandy and I went to catch the shuttle bus to where Mike had parked his car . While we were sitting on the bus , I started crying on Mandy 's shoulder . I was tired and I had lost a friend . They ganged up on me , those emotions , and they overcame me . I just cried . It was okay to cry . Mike drove us to the park - and - ride where my car was . We said thanks for the ride , and told him it was good to see him again . We agreed we shouldn 't be so once - in - a - while . We hugged goodbye , and Mandy and I got in my car . I plopped down in the driver 's seat and put my head on the steering wheel . I just sat there for a while , let it sink in a little . I guess I had been going for a while , and hadn 't really let things sink in . I eventually started the car and we drove to Mandy 's and got a little breakfast before I headed off to take my exams later that morning . I was glad to have her to talk with and be honest with . I think it helped me process a little more . She told me she was proud of me , of how I helped out with things . It was the least I could do . I talked to a few people since then , I told Kyle he helped out a lot , and was a good friend , I told Janice that it was good to see her for that short time . She told me it was hard to see me cry , as it scared her a little . I sort of understood . I heard from Kyle earlier tonight that Andy 's parents had heard Andy 's voice in Chinese tell them that he was ok . They had a peace about leaving Ann Arbor and going back home . I am glad to hear that . Becky could go to her family in Ohio , take some time off . I hope she doesn 't feel like she needs to be so strong at home . It 's tiring to me to have to be strong . But she always amazes me . She 's a leader , and a care - giver . Maybe she can find some time for herself to process and grieve . I guess that 's it , that 's what I did this past week . I feel a little drained right now , and I don 't want to write this paper that I have to be writing . But it 's not as important as being with friends . I hope that we all become closer in community , I think that 's what Andy would have wanted . Andy , as you watch us from heaven , know that we love you . I took you for granted , and I 'm sorry for doing so . We 'll remember the Andrew Peterson concerts ( and that girl that played after him I guess β¦ ) , the small group leader 's meetings , the worship team practices , the urban projects , Urbana , the little things you did for people , how much you loved Becky , the community that you loved β¦ Yeah , you left too early . We 'll see you some day . We will be happy in the presence of the Lord . A reunion to be talked of for all of eternity . phil , your summary was beautiful . it is okay to cry . and i know you did wonders for becky . i 'm afraid i would have cried too seeing you cry : - / I wish i could have been there for Becky . that 's all . have a good day . Hey friend . I had forgotten about Andy 's enthusiasm in clapping until I read this β¦ made me miss him all over again . It was so good to see you last week . Andy was enthusiastic about worship , and if that included clapping , he was all about it . And it usually did include clapping . I guess I 'll see you in August ? Don 't be a stranger . I 'll see you at Janice 's if not in Colorado . 21st , 2007 But this is far more important . I stumbled upon Phil 's wordpress entry just today . I have thought a lot , but I haven 't been able to organize any of [ β¦ ] |
Our first winter in the wilderness was about as cold as it could get . Hubby still worked an hour away and I stayed home minding the house and kiddies . I also guarded the fire to make sure there was enough wood inside to keep it going constantly lest we all freeze to death . There was very little fuel for the rumbling furnace so I saved that in case the wood ran out . One bright and sunny morning hubby made the fifty mile trip into work only to find his coworkers who lived much closer could not make it in because of the wind and blowing snow . It would be three days before we saw him again . Shortly after hubby left the radio announced school would not be in session due to heavy , drifting snow . I looked out the window to find only about an inch or so of snow on the ground . Have I mentioned that our driveway was a mile long and mostly downhill . So apparently all the bad weather was blowing overhead and across our valley . I also need to remind you we still did not have a phone . Along about six o ' clock , dinner was ready , the kiddies had played nice all day , and I was in a good mood and waiting for hubby to come home . I was still waiting at seven , eight , nine , and ten . We did eat around seven and the little ones went to bed on time . I finally drifted off about midnight with no sight of my husband . At ten o ' clock on Saturday morning I heard a knock on the door . It was a very tall man and a young boy . I looked around and there was no car in the driveway . I hesitated but finally opened the door a little , after all how many bad guys bring a child along . " Hi , " he said , " I 'm the sheriff . " Now by this time I had not seen my husband for two days . I had no phone to check on him , we could not get television reception , and the only outside world info I knew was what I heard on the radio . So when I heard the sheriff was at the door all I could think of was that hubby was wrapped in bandages , lying all alone in a hospital somewhere , and the weather reports were telling me there was no possible way I was going to be able to get to him . I won 't keep you in suspense . Hubby was fine . He had called the sheriff to come check on us and let us know he was unable to get home due to the weather . He was staying with a bachelor friend of his in a nice warm ( modern furnace , running water , television , indoor bathroom , telephone , and everything convenient ) house not far from his office . The weather broke that afternoon and hubby was finally able to make it home on Sunday when the roads had been cleared . Needless to say we were all happy to see him and the milk and diet coke he brought with him . He was surprised that we still only had an inch of snow on the ground but he was even more surprised that all we wanted to hear about was what it was like to live in a modern house again . Things went along fairly well for awhile and we were becoming more content with our country estate . Things were going so well we decided to have Thanksgiving Dinner all by ourselves . I woke early to put the turkey on , bake a pie , peel potatoes , and generaly prepare our little abode for our first holiday . After breakfast we took a long walk through the woods , watched a mama and baby deer meander through the fields , carried in some firewood , and tried to pretend we were early pioneers on our way to visit the Indians . Our day was nearly idyllic - until dinner . Not that the dinner itself was not perfect , I am a good cook afterall , but among the treats of candied yams , stuffing , mashed potatoes , and my world famous gravy , I started to notice something was slightly amiss . Hubby and I are just about the same height but as I was shoveling , I mean daintly putting , a spoonful of corn pudding into my mouth I noticed that he appeared to be growing taller across the table from me . Ordinally I would have thought this was a good thing but I knew in my heart something about this was not going to end right . Not wanting to alarm anybody , I kept my fears to myself and just kept right on eating . Okay , so maybe I was just hungry , but I still didn 't want to scare anybody . Along about my second slice of pie I looked across at my sweet hubby was at least four inches higher than I was . I was beginning to have trouble shortning my fork to mouth stride so no one else would notice that I was coming surprisingly close to eye level with my Cool Whip covered cherry pie . Fortunately dinner ended and the children scooted off to listen to old reruns of " The Shadow " on PBS radio . It was then that hubby looked across and made the astute observation , " are you shrinking " ? Duh , do you think ? " I think I am going to need some help getting out of my chair . " Turns out our kitchen floor had some weak spots . Many weak spots we were to find out . Since winter was coming upon us we decided to put carpet squares over the weak spots until Spring when we could replace the entire floor . At first we had no trouble , once we moved the table , missing the carpet squares but the longer winter drug on the less uncarpeted space we had . In fact , by the time we replaced the floor , it was almost completely carpeted . As much as I knew I was going to miss them , the time came when the kiddies had to go to school . So early one September morning I scrubbed and polished four reluctant youngsters and drug them into the car . I drove to what appeared to be an old wooden dormitory for the WPA but said " School House " on a big sign out front , and yes it did have a bell , and smelled of coal . I realized right away we were out of place . My girls in dresses and patent leather shoes and my son in a cotton shirt and khaki slacks would be no match for the bib overalls , combat boots , and straw hats running through the hallways trying to get to class before the bell rang . After what seemed to be an eternity I managed to get the little ones settled into their own classrooms , surprised that there was more than one . The staff was efficient and seemed more than happy to have four new students so , with minor reservations , I left them and drove off to enjoy the solitude of pampered days all by myself . I did have to smile as I left the school yard and passed a little boy running up the school lane . He was dressed in bib overalls , red flannel shirt , red hair , and freckles and I knew beyond a doubt that Howdy Doody was alive and kicking . Well , we did it . We sold our house , our civilized lives , our good school system , and what little bit of sanity we may have had and moved lock stock and barrel back to the 1880 's . Granted it was beautiful with its thirteen acres , woods , rock formations , and solitude , but thinking straight we were not . If you don 't count the kitchen floor , we did have a fairly stable house and barn , but the lack of heat , a working bathroom , running water , telephone , or television reception certainly did not promise a bright future . We did have electricity and a working stove and refrigerator but that is where the conveniences stopped . Our first few days passed relatively well and we adapted , not that we had a choice , but as best we could . We found the well and managed to carry buckets full of water into the house to do dishes and a pan big enough to keep a pot of hot water on the stove all the time . We cleared a path from the back door to the " outdoor spa " , not that any of us wanted to use it . We scrubbed and swept , aired and polished , unpacked and tossed . Hubby went to work everyday so it was left to the kiddies and I to make this once abandoned house into a home . Funny how the lack of television makes your kids more available to help . Somehow , after about a million setbacks , we did make some sibilance of a livable home out of what was once a sows ear . There were lots of mishaps and scares , fumbles and bumbles , but we were determined to make this work . Never mind the mice we 'd find drowned in the water pot we kept on the stove , the late night teenagers " parking " in our mile - long driveway , or the people who looked at us and said " Are you crazy " , this was our life and nobody was going to change our minds ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! So we knew this farm was for sale . We knew the owners had died . We had no idea who was in charge of the estate or if there was a realtor involved . But that was not going to stop us . After driving the fifty miles to the farm every weekend and a very exhausting interrogation of just about every neighbor , law enforcement officer , postal worker , and grocery store clerk we managed to get the name of an elderly sister who lived in Florida - that 's about two thousand miles from us . So we wrote letters to this , did I mention she was elderly , very nice but confused lady . At first I am not sure she knew what we were talking about but eventually we managed to get through . Her letters were full of childhood memories of her and her brother , sad stories about how his wife died of pneumonia , happy times spent at the farm with them , and how terrible they never had children to whom they could leave this wonderful place . Along about the time we managed to get four kids in school and under control hubby decided we needed to " get back to the basics " , become self - sufficient , buy some land - lots of land . It was the 70 's after all - everyone was getting back to nature and learning to recycle - why should we be any different . Maybe the fact that we were products of our grocery store , paved roads , everything at our fingertips dependent environment should have clued us in . Hubby 's younger brother told us about the " perfect " place . It had thirteen acres , a barn , a three bedroom house , woods , and a driveway a mile long . Hubby was sold sight unseen . Good thing because he didn 't even get to see the house on our first trip there . His brother , in the car in front of us , got stuck in the snow , IN THE DRIVEWAY . The tow truck we called to pull him out got stuck in the snow , IN THE DRIVEWAY . We called another one and he managed to get all the snow stuck vehicles back to the main road . While we were waiting for the last tow truck I took my son Eddie and we trekked the remaining driveway back to the house and broke a window to get in . No , it wasn 't my intention to break the window , it just happened so we manage to get in . The house had been empty for about six years and the couple who had lived there had both died . The house was musty smelling and did not appear to have a working bathroom , fortunately there was a spare one out back . By this time you must be thinking we had enough sense to leave and never go back . Forget that thought , we aren 't that smart . However , we did have enough sense to wait till Spring to go back . I should tell you the driveway was muddy then with the Spring rains . About as muddy as it was snowy in the winter . We did make it back to the house this time and we knew how to remove the broken window in order to get in . Again hubby was sold . No neighbors in sight , only trees , beautiful rock formations on the other side of the creek that ran through the property , and a water falls over the rocks . So we were to begin our life in the country - and , as they say , the rest is history . Posted by It was nice around the house when the three older children were in school and only little Elizabeth was home with me . That is until she realized she was the only one there to entertain me . And entertain she did . She talked . She talked . And then she talked some more . There wasn 't anything she couldn 't and wouldn 't talk about . " Mommy , why are there ants on the sidewalk " ? " How come daddy snores " ? " Why is Timmy 's mommy so fat " ? No , Timmy 's mommy was not pregnant , she was fat . Sometimes Elizabeth even managed to ask these questions when others weren 't around - unfortunately the Timmy 's mommy question was not one of those times . So the time finally came for Elizabeth to go to Kindergarten . I would like to admit that I was going to miss all that chatter , but I can 't . I was really looking forward to some peace and quiet and being able to visit with Timmy 's mommy again . All the joy I had in my new found freedom ended quickly . I ran into her teacher one day in the grocery store . " I have never seen a child so helpful to others as your Elizabeth is " . Wish she had given me a little more time to relish in that good news before she shot me down . " But does she always talk so much " ? " Yesterday we had show and tell and Elizabeth decided to tell us about her family . She shared with us that you never shave your legs , her grandma smokes cigars , and sometimes her daddy sleeps on the couch " . There were a few more things she chose to share but suffice it to say I never shopped in that grocery store again . It was such a simple request . One that would save us some money . One that would make our already beautiful daughter just a little bit prettier . So I said yes , you can perm our little girl 's hair . She did a wonderful job . She was a professional after all . She was a good friend . Lynlie was cute as a button - for a day or two at least . Problem was I was not a beautician . I was a mom . So when we washed her hair it didn 't go back to the way it was in the pretty stage . It just went boing . Poor Lynlie had curls that went up , down , out , and over . They just didn 't seem to go down . And that wasn 't the worst of it , the next day was picture day at school . So we rolled it , twisted it , brushed it , sprayed it , covered it , headbanded it , and put a hat on it ( which wouldn 't stay on because it just went boing ) . It is one of those things that we can laugh about now - everyone but Lynlie that is - but it sure was not a happy time way back then . Posted by What possesses a reasonably sane woman to volunteer to take six young boys into her home and try to teach them the ways of Boy Scouting . I still don 't know to this day many , many years later , but that is exactly what I did . Once a week for about five years I did all I could to take them from Cub Scouts to the " Be Prepared " stage of trailblazing and tent building . I threw pizza parties , camping trips , and helped sell candy , popcorn , and who knows what else . I made so many cookies for den meetings that I could rival Mrs . Fields . One thing I learned early on in my mentoring was that little boys can eat like there is no tomorrow and they have more energy than Hoover Dam and those hot shot energy drinks put together . I managed to keep most meetings from becoming riots but occasionally my nerves were tested beyond any normal limits . One such meeting centered around the only foreign member of the group who apparently was having a really bad day and decided he should not be the only one . Now this young man had spent the biggest portion of his short life in the states and spoke perfectly good English , but this day he elected to resort to his native tongue and some very old world ways . It was time for Renee 's ninth birthday and she wanted a slumber party . Sure , no problem , how hard can this be . It 's been so long ago I don 't really remember how many little girls were invited , but having lived through it I have come to understand that more than one nine year old overnight female guest is one too many . The party started about seven with hamburgers and snacks which they ate politely and even helped me clean up . Then they all retired to the family room downstairs where I was sure they would behave like little angels and do each other 's hair , paint their fingernails , and quietly talk about boys , school , and all the snobby girls that had not been invited . Oh , the lesson I was about to learn . This group of nine year old girls were apparently not into nail polish and new hair dos . They were more into eating too much and summoning spirits from the - well a much warmer place . Along about the time I decided I needed to check on this group of future Ghost Whispers they had eaten more popcorn than a nine movie cinema and were sitting on the floor in a circle chanting like they were howling at the moon . It could , of course , have been moaning and groaning from the half a pound of butter and tub full of popcorn and bowls of birthday cake and ice cream each of them had consumed . It took me all of two seconds to grab Renee by the shirt collar and let her know that not only was this activity totally inappropriate but I was sure her father , the preacher , would have her hide - and mine as well . I managed to get them pointed in another direction , but only after tangling with the ring leader who was immediately angry and tried to climb out the upper basement window to go home . It wasn 't that I didn 't want her to climb out the upper basement window and go home , but I figured if she was this angry at nine , what must her parents be like and I knew I would have to deal with them if that were to happen . At this point I knew it was going to be a long night . So after a kazillion games of Clue , Old Maid , and I Spy the girls started dropping like flies . All of them that is but angry ring leader and a neighbor girl with the most upsettest tummy I had ever seen - or had emptied on my favorite jeans . About nine o ' clock the next morning angry ring leader came up to breakfast and over a plateful of pancakes decided I wasn 't such a bad person after all . Upsettest tummy decided she could also eat again , although she wasn 't too happy that I limited her to three pancakes . Apparently , after the fire that Eddie , Jr . thought was so cool , his teacher thought that was a really good reason to teach fire safety to her students . She even brought in a fireman . Eddie paid attention . For months afterwards he was our expert on exposed electric cords , lit candles , and leaving pans on the stove . I have to admit I was impressed with the little guy - and thoroughly irritated at the same time . After school was out that summer my twin nephews came to visit . They are six months older than Eddie . Not to be outdone by his older and wiser cousins , Eddie decided he should teach them proper fire safety and set about to plan a usable escape plan . I was sitting in the living room visiting with my sister when we noticed the three young adventurers come in the front door and run up to Eddie 's room . Lost in talking about various family members and old school mates , my sister and I barely noticed when the boys repeated the same routine a few minutes later . We come from a very big family so sis and I had a lot to talk about and weren 't paying much attention when this happened several more times . Now we are reasonably good mothers , so it did finally dawn on us that while we were seeing the boys come in the front door we weren 't seeing them go out the door . She went to the front yard and I went to the bedroom - just in time to see one twin jump out the window and grab the other one before he made the same escape . I arrived back in the living room just as my sister was dragging the other two doomed suspects in the door . So Edward jumped up and ran to the door . Good thing he did because our garage was on fire . I grabbed my robe and ran for the kids . I found three . I could not find Lynlie what had run into our room to find us . Once outside I could hear the sirens coming round the corner . A neighbor , wife of the man who pounded on our door , came over and took the kids . Edward and I stood as firemen put out the flames and other neighbors gathered to make sure we were okay . Once the yellow bus pulled away , we trekked back into the smoke - smelling house and began the tasks of cleaning up all the charred wood , old luggage , and George pieces . We threw away some of those old rusty nails Edward had brought from the old house and about two hundred dollars worth of melted Tupperware . I lost an old Easter bonnet and Edward shed a tear or two over what was left of the new shelving he had built ( to hold his tools and those old rusty nails ) . After bathing the children and getting them in bed , then showering away all the grimy filth that covered my body , I sat down beside Edward to talk about rebuilding the garage and how to get the insurance company to replace my old Easter bonnet and what we would declare an honest value for old George . It was then that I began to sob - " We had a fire . We could have all been killed . " Edward put his arm around me , " I 've been waiting for this all day . I knew it was just a matter of time " . I am not the strongest of people and my survival skills were minimal back then , but I did learn something that day . I can be counted on in a crisis , but you 'd better watch out when it is over because I am going to fall apart . Posted by Today is St . Patrick 's Day ( so obviously I am fast forwarding again ) . I think I am Irish , at least a little bit , so I should be celebrating . However , I do not drink so that is out . I just realized I am not wearing green today so I may get pinched like the kids do in grade school . I am too old and too tired to throw a big party . So I guess , for this St . Paddy 's Day at least , I must be content with my memories of Ireland . Four years ago this month we made our one and only trip to Ireland . We loved it . We want to go back someday . We want to see all there is to see in Ireland . We have many happy memories of our short trip . Traveling with my sister and brother - in - law and cousin and her very funny hubby . Eating fish and chips in local pubs . Finding a souvenir wine glass lying along a path ( free souvenirs are great ) . Visiting all the castles , especially Blarney Castle , even though a bad knee kept me from kissing the Blarney Stone . One of my hopes when we went to Ireland was seeing a leprechaun . I know , they are fictional creatures , but I just wanted to say I saw a little short guy in a green suit and a funny hat . I came close while looking over a bridge when a little man in a black suit came up to me trying to explain why a long - legged bird was able to remain standing in a spill - way under the bridge . Only problem was this little guy spoke only Gaelic and , well I was having enough trouble with the normal Irish brogue . However , my hopes were granted at the airport waiting to board for our trip home . A little short man , trying to pass through the check point , was setting off all kinds of alarms . He was wearing an Irish sweater and beret type Irish cap , and carrying a gnarled black Irish cane , . He was trying to convince the TSA 's that he did indeed need that cane , he could not possibly walk without it . When they took it away he grabbed the sides of the metal detector , thus the alarm blaring everywhere . So finally , convinced they were going to have an old man falling down and suing them , they let him pass , gave him back his cane , and sent him on his way . Shortly after our move our oldest daughter Renee , then in second grade , brought home an unexpected surprise - Chicken Pox . I was thrilled - to say the least . Renee had a total of sixteen spots on her entire body . She never felt bad and was hard to keep in bed . Two weeks later Eddie came down with them . Two weeks later Lynlie came down with them . Two weeks later Elizabeth came down with them . Spots , to this day , give me shivers . Eddie and Lynlie had lots more spots than Renee , but poor baby Elizabeth had a hundred times more than all three of them combined . To make it even worse , she was cutting teeth at the same time . She wanted to be held all the time and if she fell asleep and I laid her down , she screamed like a banshee . I cooked with her in my arms . I cleaned with her in my arms . I dressed the other children with her in my arms . I even slept in a rocking chair with her in my arms . Back in those days they had long sleeved undershirts for babies and you could fold the sleeves over their tiny little hands so they couldn 't scratch themselves . Scratching chicken pox tends to leave scars and I didn 't want that . She was so cute when she rubbed her little sleepy eyes with her mittened hands . She was not so cute when she banshee screamed when I laid her down . So we rocked and she slept . We rocked and she cooed . We rocked and she pooed . We rocked and I changed diapers . We rocked and she ate . We rocked for two solid weeks before the spots were gone , the teeth were through , and she was content to sleep in her own bed . Just about the time things settled down and we were free of the chicken pox and I thought my nursing days were over for awhile , guess who came down with a cold . I couldn 't breathe . I couldn 't lay down . I couldn 't stand up without getting dizzy . So for the next two weeks I rocked and I rocked . Posted by It was hard to leave our home and fifty - two acres in the country . There were so many reasons to stay . There was one reason to leave - snakes . By now you know Edward hates snakes - the rest of us followed his lead . We gathered all the family and friends we had who were under sixty and packed up a moving van and every pickup we could find . It was wonderful . By nightfall we were all exhausted and various members of the moving crew were dropping like flies . There were still beds to be made and babies to bathe . So I feed our voluntary crew and sent them on their way , wishing I could keep them all for the next few weeks to help sort boxes and organize a new life . Alas , it was me who unpacked those boxes , put away towels and pans and lots of memories . I left the garage for Edward . Those boxes were his responsibility , especially when I realized he had packed up half a moving van of rusty nails and tools too old to be much use but not quite antique quality . So here we were , sleeping soundly in new rooms , cooking meals in a kitchen much smaller than I was used to , and not doing laundry on a cold closed in back porch . However , the best part of all of this was not having to worry about coming face to face with SNAKES ! Posted by About a week after Elizabeth was born we decided to make a trip to see the progress on the new house . It was what they called a split - level dwelling . The living room , kitchen , and garage were on one level and up a few stairs to the left of the living room were three bedrooms and a bath . To the left of the kitchen and down a few stairs were another bedroom , the family room , laundry room , and another bath . It is this part that got us into trouble . Elizabeth was tucked into her car seat sitting in the emptiness of the kitchen and the other three were exploring the upper level - still delusional enough to think they could have anything they wanted for their bedrooms . Edward and I took the few steps to the lower level and found about a kazillion sheets of drywall stacked against one wall and an almost equal number of doors and windows against the other wall which made for a very narrow walkway between . Here is where the dumb part comes in - we walked down that narrow passage . We had gotten about halfway when we heard a rumble and turned to see the drywall slip and before we knew it we were pinned against the doors and windows , me facing one way and Edward 's nose against a door . I don 't think even the two of us could have pushed out way out and there was no way I could move that drywall all by myself . So we did what any self - respecting victims of drywall smashing would do , we screamed . The children came running , but no one else . Finally reason took over and we stopped screaming and calmed the children down as best we could . When you wake up your husband in the middle of the night and say , " Honey , its time " , he 's supposed to jump up and get all excited , throw the dog in the car , put out the suitcase , and in general go completely idiot - like knowing he is about to become a new daddy . Not Edward , he just groaned , rolled over and went back to sleep . So I got up , showed , dressed , pulled three sleepy toddlers from their warm beds , packed their clothes , packed the car , let the dog out , and then tried again to wake up the soon to be new daddy . By this time the sun is beginning to rise and he is coherent enough to understand that not only are we about to have a baby , I have been in labor for several hours , and this is our FOURTH CHILD ! So he jumps out of bed and becomes all idiot - like looking for the suitcase , the dog , and three missing toddlers . We drop the children off at his brother 's house and drive another forty - five minutes to the hospital only to find my doctor is on vacation in Ireland and I am put in the care of another obstetrician that I have neither seen nor heard of before . I go to the labor room , hubby heads to the waiting room ( where I am sure he napped ) , and Elizabeth , our soon to be new addition , rolls the wrong way , becomes stubborn and will not cooperate ( signs of things to come ? ) . For the next eight hours I walk , sit down , stand up , lay down , roll from side to side , beg , plead , and do everything I can to convince this little one to roll over . Nothing doing and she made her appearance with a smug little smile on her face as if to say , " Nobody tells me what to do " . And to this day , nobody has . Posted by So with the new baby coming we decided not only that we needed a new house but that we needed to actually build a new house . They say that having children and building a new house are really hard on a marriage and we were silly enough to believe we could handle both at the same time . Hormones rage during pregnancy . Delusions of grandeur rage when you are building a house . Homicidal ideations rage when you are pregnant and building a house . I quickly found out I had champagne taste on a beer pocketbook - or in my case as a fundamentalist Baptist preacher 's wife , Perrier taste on a tap water pocketbook . So every time I showed up requesting another closet or switching a room from one side of the house to another , my contractor would just smile and say sure , have your husband give me a call . Every time I asked my husband to upgrade to granite counter tops or gold bathroom fixtures , he 'd just say sure , just call the contractor - who would then say sure , have your husband give me a call . I was at the point of murder , and I was going to claim insanity - theirs not mine . Along about the time I realized what I was up against and that I was not going to get anything I asked for , I 'd reached my due date . I decided I would make one last trip to see the new house before delivery so we packed a picnic lunch and piled the other three little ones into the car and headed to what would soon be our new home . We finished eating and the kids spent some time running from room to room listing all the things they wanted for their rooms ( they were more like their mama than I thought ) , and hubby pulled out the movie camera to add to his video diary of the new house . I had just finished packing up the food when he called me outside . I lumbered my way down the makeshift steps , across the unsodded front yard and looked up to see what he was filming . There making its way across the sky was the Goodyear Blimp like it was announcing to the world that we were coming to town - well , actually it was proclaiming the opening of a new tire dealership but I was still in that delusions of grandeur stage . Months later when we were in the new home and watching the completed video diary , I noticed that day 's section was labeled " The New House and The Blimp " . I thought that was pretty special ( back in those days you didn 't often get to see a blimp ) that is , until I saw the video - all kinds of pictures of the house and the kids playing and then there I was - big as the side of a barn - and no sign of the Goodyear Blimp anywhere ! ( My apologies to all of you who have been reading my blog . I have been a little slow with additions lately . I have just had my second knee replacement and while I am doing quite well , I am not as young as I used to be - my doctor 's words - and some days I am too tired to write . I hope as I improve I will soon be back to my daily ramblings . Thank you for understanding . ) Posted by As much as we loved our country home and its fifty - two acres , there came a time that we knew it was time to move on . For me it was the morning I had to run for the bathroom before I lost my breakfast . That 's right , pregnant again . Precious blessing number four would soon grace our family with love and joy and laughter like you would not believe . We had stretched the limits with three children in a two bedroom house - four would never work . For Edward it was a more sinister awakening . The basement of this house was little more than a cellar and none of us liked to go down there . However , a blown fuse or water heater gone awry would necessitate a trip for Edward . On one such an occasion Edward made the trip down those rickety old steps and into the abyss of damp , smelly darkness . He managed to fix the problem and decided as long as he was down there he would just clean up a bit . He had straightened up a shelf along the wall and turned around to dust off the old furnace and duct work . Needless to say he was slightly surprized to find two eyes staring back at him . There he stood , no hoe in hand , nothing but an old broom , face to face with yet another snake . It took him all of thirty seconds to run up those rickety old steps , yell " we 're moving " , and out the door he went . There comes a time in every family 's life when they have to say goodbye to a loved one . The pain and mourning that goes along with these departures is generally unbearable and sometimes causes you to do some very strange things . Gertrude 's passing was one of those times . I mourned , Edward mourned , the kids cried , and even Eli the dog mourned , albeit for different reasons . Early one morning I walked Edward to his car and waved as he drove out the driveway . Eli was barking so I decided he needed to be fed before he woke the children . I made my way to his dog house and stopped dead in my tracks when I spotted poor Gertrude laying just a few feet in front of me . I stifled a scream knowing that would cause the children to come running . Hers had not been a natural death , it was obvious to even my untrained eye . I knew I had to do something . There was no time to wait for the authorities . I scooped up poor Gertrude and ran behind the garage and dug as fast as I could . I wrapped her poor body in a trash bag and placed her lovingly into the shallow grave . Then I ran back to the dog house and raked up the billowing reminders of this once graceful lady and placed them in the trash bag . I was just patting down the last shovel full of dirt when I heard the children beginning to stir . Wiping my eyes , I started for the house trying to decide what I would tell them . It would have to be a beautiful story about how Gertrude had loved them and enjoyed living with them - but that sometimes bad things happen , even when you are a beautiful goose and you wander too far from the pond and strut your stuff too close to the Labrador Retriever . Seems like we had a lot of animals around that country house - George the moose head to all the snakes . Yet early one winter morning I had an encounter with one of the most vicious of all animals . I was pregnant - yet again - with just a few weeks to go and went back to bed when hubby left for work . I hadn 't much more than crawled into bed when I sensed that something had crossed the room . Out of bed I lumbered , the only way I could do anything those days , and searched the bedroom then all the rooms upstairs - nothing . Back to bed I crawled thinking I had missed out on twenty of those precious extra minutes I had before the other kids work up . I loved those extra minutes . I drifted in and out of dreamland , visions of sugar plums turning to size two ballgowns and tiny feet dancing on air . Suddenly I knew there were eyes on me - watching me - in that very room . Slowly I turned over and there they were - two enormous eyes right on me . Needless to say I was out of that bed in a shot - well as fast as my swollen feet and enormous girth would allow . I ran out of the room and pulled the door shut behind me . I was sure whatever was in there could easily take me down and carry me to whatever living arrangement that species preferred . I called my brother - in - law who lived nearby to come a runnin ' and to bring his elephant gun with him . When he showed up with just a flashlight I felt sorry for him but said he was on his own and pointed to the bedroom door as I was going into the kids ' room to protect them . Early one bright , summer morning I watched from the kitchen window as Edward pulled out the canoe and proceeded to tug and drag and finally get it into the pond and start rowing around . Now this pond was very small and the water was not exactly pleasant but if hubby wanted to row around I decided I would fix him a light breakfast and go outside to watch him while the little ones were still sleeping . Not bothering to change into some more " outdoorsy " clothes I threw my terry cloth robe over my see - through nightie ( this was back when what you could see through was , well much less and a whole lot better than it is now ) and headed out the door . Hubby was so proud of the fact that his 135 pound body had managed to get the 400 pound canoe into the water that he wanted to take me out for a spin . He rowed over to the edge , took his breakfast , and instructed me on the proper way to enter a boat . I failed the course . I had just managed to slide my foot over the side when my foot slipped on the morning dew and I fell into the canoe head first . Not to be outdone in the " how not to do it " department , hubby jumped up to help me and Eli the dog jumped in - not to help but to get the bacon and egg sandwich now laying unguarded on the floor of the canoe . Tragedies happen on days like this . People are found years later at the bottom of dried out farm ponds . Good dogs like Lassie get people to follow them with their " Timmy 's in the well " whine . Not today . Instinct kicked in and just as the canoe flipped over , papa went one way and mama went the other - Eli was on his own . Edward managed to contain the canoe and keep it from smashing us on the head . My terry cloth robe pulled me all the way to the bottom - remember it 's yukky water and mama don 't swim in yukky water - so I yanked that robe off and fought all the way to the top . Okay , so I just stood up but it is so much more dramatic to say I had to fight my way out than to admit I couldn 't , and still can 't , swim a lick . I lost my shoes , my dishes , the sandwich , an entire glass of expensive orange juice , and the best cup of coffee ever made . It was not a pretty picture as we drug the canoe out of the water and made our way back to the house soaking wet . It was not until I realized hubby 's clothes were sticking to him that I remember my see - through nightie . We were still living in the house in the country when man first walked on the moon . There were lots of people who did not believe this was possible and that it was just a stunt thought up by the government and Hollywood . Even Edward , who is generally pretty open minded ( okay that part is a lie ) , refused to believe it was possible to get a spaceship all the way to the moon , some men were able to get out of the spaceship and walk around uncharted territory , and then those same men were still alive and able to get their spacecraft safely back to earth . No , he was not believing any of this and he proclaimed it adamantly to the news reporter who called us randomly to see what we thought . In all fairness to hard headed Edward , he actually thought it was his sister playing a trick on him but it sure kept us from being interviewed ever again . I , on the other hand , believe not only was it possible to travel in outer space but I had first hand knowledge of this extraordinary discovery . No I was never an astronaut but we were " visited " by a spaceship when I was a teenager . One summer morning when I was about fifteen my father came home from the night shift at the machine shop where he worked . My sisters and I were still in bed since school was out for the year but we could hear daddy ranting about our leaving the garage door up during the night . Mother assured him we had not because she had checked it just before she went to bed and it was closed . This went on for several mornings even though all of us checked the door before turning in . After several irate calls from my father , Sears made house calls to check out the opener only to declare it good as new - yet each morning the door was opened . Perhaps , Sears announced , one of our neighbors had purchased the same kind of opener and it had somehow latched on to ours too . None of the neighbors had automatic openers . More irate calls to Sears , perhaps someone was playing a trick on us and was driving by at night , pointing their opener at the garage and viola , open door in the morning . We had just about decided we were going to have to buy a new opener , when we started to find the door open in the middle of the day too . More irate calls , more house calls , more good as new diagnosis , same irate father . My older sister , the one who never does anything wrong , decided one day she would climb up into the attic and wait to see who was doing this dastardly deed . Up , and sometimes down , went the door . Nobody there . Up , down , nobody around anywhere . More irate calls . More promises to check into it . We were certain by this point that Sears thought they were dealing with an entire family of certified nuts who didn 't have a clue as to how to operate these modern conveniences . In fact they admitted such to us - eventually . A few weeks after these strange events began Sears came back . The repairman could barely contain his laughter when he told us that he had seen everything that he thought he could possibly see in his job - until now . After much research Sears determined that the circuits of the Russian spaceship Sputnik had somehow linked to our garage door . In the middle of the United States , in the middle of Ohio , in the middle of the smallest town in the entire world , Russia was linked to our family . Our grandson Ed , that 's right there are three Edwards in this family and you can imagine how confusing that is , lives with us and is an absolute joy to have around . He is so pleasant that half the young men in town like to come over , play video games , take a nap ( or stay the night ) , and eat . So I do a lot of cooking . Edward , great husband and protector that he is , has taken exception to my title . He says all the old men from here to Timbuktu will be reading my blog and become very interested in me . " Oh , I see , " says I , " they will know that I am old and can cook . " " No , " says he , " they will think you are old and still cooking " . " That 's right , I am old but I can still cook " . " That 's what I mean . You 're retired and old men will think you mean cooking . You know - cooking . " So after I picked myself up off the floor from laughing so hard , I guess I could see his point . So I will digress forward long enough to say , I am old , I can still cook , but my heart belongs to only one old man . Happy Valentines ' Day honey , I still love you after all these years . Posted by There are a lot of phobias in this family . Spiders , heights , tight spaces , well , you name it and somebody has it , but nothing , and I mean nothing , frightens us more than snakes - especially hubby . Now the first time I witnessed this paralyzing phenomenon caught us both off guard , as do most snake attacks I am sure - nasty old sneaky creatures . We were outside just after a heavy rain . Our two older children were running through the front yard trying , not to successfully , to miss the puddles of rain water . All of a sudden I spotted what I was sure was an anaconda it was so big . It was headed straight toward Eddie who had just managed to not avoid a very muddy puddle . I proved to be no help at all as I stood there dumbfounded but a quick shout from hubby brought me out of my stupor just as Eddie came flying through the air and straight into my arms . Renee quickly came over the side of the porch and hubby went running for a hoe . I have never seen such vengeance in a man 's eyes as hubby raised that hoe and came down right behind that snake 's head . I am not sure but I think I saw that snake laugh . Time after time hubby brought that hoe down on the snake and time after time the snake turned a little closer toward hubby . Finally , in much frustration hubby hit the snake enough to stun it into submission and long enough for him to douse a nearby pile of leaves with gasoline and with one last effort toss the stunned reptile into the fire . Too crazed to do anything the snake lost the battle and hubby had won the war . No we did not have roasted snake for dinner . My children were always wanting to help me cook . Problem was they never wanted me around when they did it . Like the time Renee wanted to make us breakfast in bed so she got up really early to make us scrambled eggs and toast . She was about five and knew that eggs were cooked in a skillet on the stove . So she , the sweet child that she was , took a dozen eggs from the refrigerator , drug a chair up to the stove , grabbed a spatula from the drawer , climbed up on the chair , put the eggs in the skillet , took the spatula , and beat the stuffing out of the eggs - shells and all . Fortunately she did not know how to turn the stove on so fire was never a worry . When her little brother Eddie got up he was ordered to make the toast which turned out very well except the toaster wasn 't plugged in . However ( there is always a " however " where my children were concerned ) , he loved butter and sugar on his toast so that was exactly what he was going to do . He took a stick of butter and the sugar bowl and climbed up on the kitchen table - I guess to be closer to the toaster - and put the butter on the table then dumped the entire sugar bowl on top of it . Since he was only four he did not realize he was going to need something to mix this up with , but his hands were there and they were better than a spoon any day . Not to be outdone Eli , our enormous black lab , wanted his breakfast too . There was a fifty pound bag of dog food standing in the corner that we had not yet put away . So , with the faint smell of raw eggs and sugar in the air , Eli pounced on the dog food and ripped the bag just enough to spread fifty pounds of hard , meat flavored chunks all over the kitchen floor . ( Sugared toast was a treat my mother made for us when we were very young . She would butter slices of bread and sprinkle a little sugar on top . Then she would put it under the broiler until the sugar just started to turn slightly tan . We had a hard time waiting until it cooled . ) Posted by No it wasn 't a real moose - we live in the Midwest for goodness sake - but it might as well have been . My father , always a giving man , decided that our children needed George . George was the stuffed head of what must have been a very large moose . It had hung in our garage since I was a teenager - one of those " somebody needed money and had to sell something " items my father was always bringing home . Why he found this particular time to give George away is beyond me but our family became the recipient . We piled George in the trunk of our car , thank goodness we were not stopped on the way home because I don 't think a policeman would have understood why we had this moose head protruding out over the highway . Then we piled the sleeping children into the back seat . We reversed this process when we got home tucking the children into their warm beds . George unfortunately had to spend the night sitting on the floor because we were just too tired to hang him properly - I 'm sure a terrible disgrace to any self - respecting moose . The next morning our pajama clad little ones came running down the stairs . Renee , oblivious to anything out of the ordinary , ran straight into the kitchen for breakfast . Eddie on the other hand noticed everything . He ran through the living room , around the corner , and came face to face with George who looked like his head was sticking up out of the floor . Absolutely every bit of blood drained from poor Eddie 's face , he came to a dead stop , and immediately started to back up like a cartoon character who was leaving grooves in the floor . He managed to back himself into the couch and couldn 't go any further just about the time I caught up with him . I think he left claw marks on my back . I can 't say that George and Eddie ever came to be close friends but they did learn to tolerate each other - especially after Eddie learned that he could swing from old George 's beard once we hung him on the wall . Poor George , what a disgrace to any self - respecting moose . George paid the ultimate price many years later when he died one last time in a fire . Poor George , may he rest in peace - finally . Christmas at our house was a real treat . One in particular is most memorable . We had two children and had moved to the country . I was pregnant with our third child , but then when wasn 't I pregnant . We decided we would take the little ones to a tree farm and cut our own tree . I had also been having trouble with a wisdom tooth trying to work its way through my very sore and swollen gum . Not to worry , I would rush to the dentist , have the nasty thing yanked out and be back in plenty of time to join the family for a trek through the isle of misfit pine trees . All went well at the dentist in spite of the fact that my grandmother , two hundred miles away , was having palpitations because pregnant women should never have a tooth pulled and she was not going to rest until I was safely home and in bed for the next week . I don 't remember why teeth pulling and pregnant women didn 't go together , but Lynlie looked okay when she was born . I mean she didn 't have antlers or three eyes or anything like that . We bundled the kids up so tight they could barely walk and we were not much better - but then I was out of shape , weary from tooth pain , and very front heavy . We walked and walked . We picked the kids up over and over when they tripped in the snow . We walked and walked , picked up , and rested . Finally we found the perfect tree . It was about twenty - five feet tall , round and full . It was absolutely beautiful , problem was our ceilings were only ten feet high . So hubby climbed about half way up and chopped and sawed , then huffed and puffed , then chopped and sawed , then . . . oh well , you know what he did , and you probably also know he wasn 't happy about it at this point . It took a long time but it eventually fell down splashing snow all of our giggling children and their very frustrated mama . Finally we could go home and it was a good thing because I was about nine months pregnant and I really had to go - SOON ! Along about the time the tree hit the ground , the pain pills wore off and my tooth , or lack of a tooth , really started to throb . Edward and I grabbed the biggest limbs and Renee and Eddie pulled on anything they could latch onto between falling down and being too bundled up to stand back up on their own . So we walked and walked , picked up , and walked and walked . Finally we were at the car and tied the tree on top as best we could . The trip home was a lot of fun because it was like driving through a forest with all the branches laying on the windshield . Did I mention the frustrated husband . I don 't remember how the tree came off the car when we got home because I was making a mad dash for the bathroom . I do remember that once we cut off a couple of feet and set up the tree it took up about half of the living room - and the room was about twenty feet long . It was so big we nailed it to the floor and tethered it to both walls . We didn 't have nearly enough decorations for it so we only put them around the front and sides . The kids and I made paper chains and ornaments and strung popcorn . It looked very much like Charlie Brown might have helped us , but we loved it and I think the kids played hide and seek inside it 's branches when we weren 't looking . Our first night in our little bungalow was very memorable . Edward had allotted me ten dollars to buy groceries for the week . I spent a little over nine dollars and managed to fill the cupboards fairly well - again , remember this was a very long time ago . Between a few wedding gifts and some donated books of trading stamps we had managed to have some basic dishes , glasses ( the ones I had to grab every time the train went by ) , silverware , and pots and pans . The only problem was that we did not have a can opener or sharp knife . I had planned to have potatoes and corn with some kind of meat ( too long ago to remember what kind ) but I had no knife to peel the potatoes or can opener for the corn . What to do ? What to do ? Being the ingenious woman that I am I searched until I found an old army can opener for the corn - the kind that takes you eleven and a half minutes to open one can and I scrubbed the potatoes and cooked them with the peels on . A little salt and butter and hubby was none the wiser for my turmoil . Since Edward had worked his way up to assistant manager at the grocery store we were often the recipients of " gifts " from the store and its vendors . Sometimes it was in the form of dented and unlabeled cans , some display item like the colander ( from a macaroni company ) that I still have , and finally an old knife from a sympathetic butcher , I still have that too . The neighborhood children loved it once a month when an dairy vendor would give Edward an entire case of ice cream . We had a very small refrigerator with the smallest freezer compartment I have ever seen . There was no way we could eat all that ice cream so we passed it out . We were the most popular people in the neighborhood , with the kids anyway . Our first home was by a railroad track and very small , only a living room , bedroom , kitchen , and a bathroom so tiny the shower stuck out into the bedroom and you practically had to back into it if you wanted to use the facilities . I loved it there . Of course we only had one child then and she was so small I could contain her in very small spaces . The train would go past about noon and midnight and it was so relaxing to hear it rolling along and the gentle whistle blow as it crossed the intersection . Okay , so it was nice for a day or two then it became a royal pain . The clack of the wheels nearly drove me out of my mind . The dishes in the metal cupboards rattled and sometimes came close to shaking themselves out off the shelves . Sometimes the train was so long it held up traffic in front of the house and the horns would start to blow and shouts could be heard from angry drivers anxious to get where they were going . The house served us well for a short time - until we found out there would be two little ones under foot and we decided we had to move on . Besides its a little hard to potty train children when you both can 't fit in the bathroom at the same time . Many houses have come and gone since those early days but none has drawn us as close as the little bungalow by the tracks . Of course , had we stayed there I am sure we would not have the family we do today - one of us would have strangled the other . Posted by Elizabeth , our youngest , was born with a head full of dark curls and a desire to talk . When they laid her on my stomach I did what most mothers do , I threw up . If babies were in fact able to talk , I am sure she would have yelled " Hey what 's up with that ? " In all fairness , I threw up every time I had a baby so this was nothing special . Along about three weeks I think Elizabeth did say her first words and she has not stopped since . In fact , I think she was giving the doctor instructions on how to conduct her six week checkup and that she was quite capable to taking care of herself from then on . I went to many parent - teacher conferences while I was raising my children . I grew quite familiar with phrases like , such a wonderful child , a model student , wish I have a whole classroom of students like your child , always helping and putting others first . I loved these compliments for my children . However , we were soon hearing some new qualifiers to these compliments . Things like , I have never heard a child talk so much in my entire teaching career , she 's very helpful to the other students except she wants to do the work for them , does she talk this much at home , she tries to do my job teaching the other kids , can you do something to keep her from talking so much . Of course I know she talks that much , no I can 't do anything about it - I 've tried , yes she does tend to take over . blah , blah , blah . Why do you think I sent her to kindergarten at age 3 ! Somehow we always knew all our children would be leaders and successful in life , however , we also knew Elizabeth would take over the world . She is grown now , an excellent and talented ICU nurse . Yes she still talks , more than most people , and she is very passionate that things are done right at her hospital . So if you break the rules or go against the policies she will see to it you are fired - just ask the Chaplain ! But that is a story for another blog . Posted by Lynlie was our smallest baby at seven and a half pounds . She was tiny and had very thick , dark hair . When an older cousin saw her for the first time he said she wasn 't a baby it was just a toy doll . We invited him to touch her wiggly toes , he did and promptly stated that her foot was real but the rest of her was still a toy . She was a good baby but an even better child growing up . We never had to worry about her . If she told us she was going somewhere , that 's exactly where she went and she came home exactly when she said she would . Well , there was that time when she was eighteen and went to a birthday party and told us she would be home at 9 pm . Needless to say when it got to be 9 : 30 and she wasn 't home , we absolutely panicked . We were just grabbing our coats to make a frantic search for her when she finally pulled into the driveway . We didn 't even have a chance to ask where she had been when she blurted out , " Don 't worry , I 'm okay . I was with the police and because of me none of us had to go to jail " . Then she turned and started off to her room like that was all the information we needed to hear . Turns out Lynlie and the girls from the party had decided to go visit another girl who had not been able to come and they were a little late leaving so they were still driving after curfew at 9 pm . A young policeman , wanting to strut his stuff in front of a car load of teenage girls , pulled them over . He was in the process of reading them the riot act for being out past curfew without an adult when Lynlie stopped him , showed him her driver 's license and revealed that she was eighteen and therefore they did indeed have an adult with them . Embarrassed he let them go and they went back to the party and Lynlie came home . That was the one and only time she gave us any cause for concern . Posted by Little Eddie was born on a Sunday evening just about thirty minutes after we arrived at the hospital . Not a lot of extensive labor like his older sister but we managed to get there in time for daddy to watch Bonanza while I was breaking the sound barrier trying to get to the labor room in time . We soon found out that speed was going to be a vital part of this child 's life . By the time our son reached a whole year old he had given up his bottle , his crib , and afternoon naps . He had also learned how to terrorize his sister , open locked doors , ride a tricycle , and present partial bird carcases to his mama for approval . He also managed to cause speed in other people . Like the time he decided there were too many people in the pet store and he was not able to see the animals as quickly as he would like . So , in his bright male dominate mind he just ran through the store yelling , the snakes are loose , the snakes are loose . After that he was free to view all the animals at his convenience . He was a beautiful child , wavy blond hair , and a smile and dimples to die for . That 's why it was so hard to believe such innocence could reek so much havoc . But those are stories for more ( many , many more ) blogs . Have you ever had the feeling that no matter what you need to do you aren 't going to do it right ? Well that 's exactly the feeling I had when we brought our first child home from the hospital . Renee was born a long time ago , back when new mommies got to stay in the hospital for a full five days , the babies slept in the nursery where the nurses fed them at night , and there was always some medical professional nearby to help when you needed to rest . Renee was a really good baby . She hardly ever cried , spit up , or made disgusting bodily noises . Well there was that time she tinkled on her great uncle Charles , but we don 't talk about that . She started sleeping through the night at age one and a half weeks . That 's the truth . She would sleep from about 10 pm until 6 am with no problem at all . However , I should explain what led up to this phenomenon . You see , new daddy decided he should get up to feed her so I could get some rest . He changed her and made her toasty warm while her four - ounce bottle was warming . After being satisfied the bottle was just right he picked her up and headed for the rocking chair . Unfortunately in order to get to the chair he had to cross the bedroom and tiptoe past the old radiator that heated the apartment . The problem was that he didn 't tiptoe past the radiator , he tiptoed into the radiator and stubbed his toe , knocked my fuzzy slipper into the heater where it immediately fused to the heated metal , stomped off to the rocker , fed the poor child the entire bottle , did not burp her , and put her back in the crib where I am sure she realized if she was going to make it in this world she 'd better not tick off her new daddy . I knew then that God was listening the day we brought her home and I whispered this prayer , " God , please don 't let this child do anything that you and I can 't handle together " . So far He has done just that . My husband Edward is the sixth of seven children . He weighed just under three pounds when he was born , stayed an entire month in the hospital , and slept in a box near the stove when he came home . He has put on a few pounds since then but still likes to be wrapped up tightly when he sleeps - and he does like to sleep . Our youngest granddaughter says if she doesn 't get her sixteen hours of sleep each night then she can 't function . Grandpa taught her that . Hubby and I met while we were both in high school , rival schools . I went to the good one and he didn 't . Surprisingly they are both still in existence today and mine is still the best . He was working at the local grocery store . My sister ( the one who never does anything wrong ) and I trapped him one day and asked where the canned peas were ( not that we didn 't already know ) and managed to keep him talking for a few minutes . Long enough to bat our eyelashes and sway a little back and forth so our poodle skirts and crinolines would swish around . Unfortunately , we forgot we were both carrying a gallon of milk . Now for those of you who don 't remember , milk came in glass jugs in those days . Our swishing and swaying was good for flirting but not so good for glass . My sister swished and I swayed and BANG ! Suddenly there was a lake of milk everywhere and my poor hubby had to clean it up . He tells people he 's been crying over spilt milk ever since . About two weeks after the Ark settled and the waters dried up , Jane was born . My mother was a housewife ( that 's what they called stay - at - home moms back then ) and my father was an engineer on a river barge hauling coal up and down the Ohio River . One of my first memories was the day daddy ( who was handy with most household jobs ) built a well house so mother wouldn 't have to do the laundry on the back porch . He was very proud of job he did laying the blocks and putting on the roof . Then he poured cement on the walk between the house and the new laundry room . Wet cement and five year olds do not mix - anyone ever tell you that ? It became too much for me to bear and with a little help from some cousins I decorated the walkway . Names , world class artwork , even our new found talent to write our ages all became a part of that masterpiece . Little did we know that daddy , tired and impatient , would not be pleased and see the future importance of our art . As soon as we heard him come out the back door we knew we were in trouble . Where could we go , where could we hide ? Safety for us came in the little two - holer ( we were high - class back then ) at the back of the yard . We ran as fast as our little legs could carry us and slammed the door behind us . Since there was no lock on the door it took about three seconds for daddy to rip the door open , actually nearly off its hinges , and pull us one by one out the door and spank our little bottoms until we ran crying to mother who was about two steps behind him . Now this also included my older sister who , like most oldest siblings , never did anything wrong . And yes , in the case , she had indeed not done anything wrong and had just chosen that particular moment to use the little two - holer at the back of the yard for what it was intended to be used for . I believe that was the one and only time my sister ever got into trouble and it was my fault . Of course my parents never found out that she held that over me ( still does to this day ) and I became her own personal slave from that moment on . On the suggestion of my beautiful , middle daughter I am creating this blog . She thinks that since I have reached the ripe old age of . . . well never - mind , I am now capable to advise the younger generation on how to grow old gracefully and not go insane in the process . I have managed to stay married for forty - seven years so far , raise four plus children ( the plus will become evident in future posts ) , stay employed at one job or another for over thirty years , and become the matriarch of the very best family God ever created . Now I am sure most of you think the same thing about your family but , no , it 's mine - all mine . It is my hope that I can produce some solid suggestions on the proper way to raise a family or , more accurately , confess my failures so you won 't become the same bumbling , " fly - by - the - seat - of - my - pants " kind of mother that I was . Oh the lessons I messed up , and boy do I have a lot to confess to . Did I mention this blog is supposed to be humerous . So when I write about syrup on the walls ( yes , I did that ) and oatmeal and Ajax from the kitchen to the bedrooms ( yes , the grandkids did that ) I hope you have a good laugh at my expense and can relate to the joys of being a mother . Greetings , welcome to my blog . I am a wife , mother , grandmother , great - grandmother , and retired . I love being with my family and having huge family dinners with lots of good food and fun . I am very grateful to have been blessed with my loved ones . It is my hope to inspire the younger generation with my age related wisdom and life experiences and perhaps share a laugh or two along the way . |
He makes me lie down in green pastures , he leads me beside quiet waters , he restores my soul . Ps 23 : 2 - 3 NIV Why is Mommy always in a rush ? Doesn 't she understand that life was meant to be lived one sniff at a time ? We live in Pennsylvania . Pennsylvania is full of lovely smells . Squirrels , deer , raccoons , chipmunks , cats , dogs , and even a bear play in our yard . God would not have given me such glorious smells if He hadn 't wanted me to take the time to enjoy them . Would someone tell Mommy to stop rushing me ? " Belle ! " Mommy demands . " Walk ! Hurry up and walk ! " I keep sniffing . I know I 'm supposed to mind Mommy but she doesn 't understand . If I hurry up and walk , she 'll make me come inside . I 'll never get to stop and smell the bears . Life is too short to miss the bears . Mommy is not the only human who rushes . You know who you are ! Mommy and I travel all over the country and I see you . When you walk , you usually stare straight ahead and rush . When you drive and have to stop for a red light , why do you stare at the light ? You can 't make it change . Why not look around and enjoy the world ? I wish you could see what I see . Did you know that if you look into the eyes of a homeless person , you can tell they 're good at giving hugs ? By the way - they smell good too . Sometimes I bark just to try to get you to look up . You couldn 't really want to miss the birds , squirrels , and butterflies . Did you know that tiny flowers peek their heads through cracks in the sidewalk ? Sometimes a mouse is hiding behind a rock hoping that snake doesn 't see him . Spiders catch flies and children play hopscotch . God sends adventures everywhere and most people miss them . God said to take the time to lie down in green pastures . I don 't just lie down in green pastures , I stretch out and roll over and over . Sometimes Mommy gets mad about that too but I listen to God . He knows what feels good . God promised to lead us to still waters and restore our souls . Bears go to those still waters to drink . Maybe God leads us to still = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Belle 's mommy is Cheryle M . Touchton . Cheryle is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries and known as the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady . She and the Missionary Dog Belle travel the country as missionaries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep Belle the Missionary Dog and the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate Fear not , for I have redeemed you ; I have summoned you by name ; Isa 43 : 1 NIV Some people are dog people . They like and need us . You know who you are and so do I . Most people like me . I 'm clean , smell good , and let 's face it , I 'm cute . To a dog person , I 'm completely irresistible . I 'm a people dog . I love attention . I want to sit in your lap . I love it when you hug me cheek to cheek . Barry Edwards is a dog person . I 'm a people dog . You 'd think that we 'd get along great but every time I see him for the first time , I dart behind Mommy 's legs . Does anyone want to know why ? I have a problem . Maybe if I admit it , it will get better . I am afraid of things - silly things . Since I 'm an adventurous traveler , a writer , and a TV star , I know this surprises you but it 's true . I don 't like umbrellas . Tall people scare me to death . I love children and most women but it takes a while to relax around men older than age 40 . I love Golden Retrievers and German Shepherds but Chihuahuas scare me to death . I love homeless men and women but a tall man wearing a suit sends me scurrying behind Mommy 's legs . I told you it was silly . Barry is married to my Mommy 's best friend , Nancy , so sometimes , we spend time together . I should love Barry but Barry is tall and always wears suits . Poor Barry . When he sees me , he begs me to get into his lap . He feeds me people treats , even though Mommy and Nancy scold him . It makes no sense . Nancy isn 't even a dog person and I love her . On our last visit to Atlanta , I didn 't get over my Barry fear until I faced it . Mommy and Nancy left me at Nancy 's house alone all day . I was so lonely . When I heard someone in the garage , I started barking with joy . When Barry came through the door , my heart went to pounding and my barks changed . " Hi Belle , " Barry said as he leaned over to pet me . I jumped back . He sat on the couch and called by name . " Belle , here Belle . " He patted the couch . I didn 't to know what to do . I knew what he wanted . I 'd been alone all day and neede = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Belle 's mommy is Cheryle M . Touchton . Cheryle is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries and known as the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady . She and the Missionary Dog Belle travel the country as missionaries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep Belle the Missionary Dog and the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate Be completely humble and gentle ; be patient , bearing with one another in love . Eph 4 : 2 NIV Finally , someone realized how important I was . We arrived at the television studio and my name was on the dressing room door . I was the star of the show . " She 's so pretty , " the woman at the front desk cooed as I pranced in . Of course I am , I thought . Do you know how many hours I spent at the groomers ? Usually Mommy makes television shows alone and I have to wait in Halleluiah . I wondered when someone was going to recognize my star quality . I 'd been preparing for this moment all of my life . My name is Belle Touchton and I 'm the Missionary Dog . I travel with my mommy telling people about Jesus . We live in our camper , Halleluiah several months a year . My job is to look cute , do my tricks , and let everyone know how happy you can be when you follow Jesus . This was my first TV show but I 'm not new to the stage . I help Mommy at Bible Schools and children 's camps and events . We sing songs and tell people about Jesus . When Mommy sings " My Best Friend is Jesus , " I bark every time she sings Jesus . We sing , " If Belle loves Jesus she can sit ( or speak or get my tail or whatever Mommy says ) " to the tune of " If You 're Happy and You Know It . " Mommy tells boys and girls how to take Jesus ' hand and I offer my paw to Mommy to demonstrate . It 's pretty cool and I 'm good at this , if I do say so myself . The boys and girls loved me . The cameraman loved me . In fact , everyone loved me . We practiced ahead of time so the children would know when they could touch me and when to sing . Mommy didn 't want me distracted but she didn 't have to worry . I knew my job . The name of the show was Smile of a Child and I know how to make a child smile . The set was cute . It had colored blocks all around the word Jesus . Mommy and I did our thing on a rug surrounded by children sitting on the blocks . It took all day but I didn 't mind because Mommy fed me treats . Mommy keeps treats in one pocket and quarters in the other . I don 't understand why the children liked her pocket full of quarters best . They wouldn 't even try my pocket full of treats . I was good . No - I was fabulous . I barked , danced , twirled , sat , and lay all at exactly the right time . When we left , everyone knew who the real star was . I knew my life was about to change . No more waiting on Mommy . I 'd be invited into churches , television stations , and even restaurants . After all , I was Belle , the star Missionary Dog . We finished the show and drove to a campground in Pittsburg . Mommy was supposed to speak on Saturday morning . When we woke up , she got dressed and I waited for her to brush me . She never did . We drove to the Community Center and she parked Halleluiah . I stood by the door waiting for my leash . When Mommy turned on the air conditioner , I started barking . Had she forgotten I was the star ? Then , she locked Hallelujah and left me . Nooooo , I howled as she left . When she finished , we drove to our house . Our missionary journey was over . Rascal the Cat greeted me at the door , smug that he 'd been with Daddy all summer . Mommy put my food on the floor next to his . On Sunday morning , she didn 't take me to church . No more TV shows . No restaurants . In fact , now that we 're home , Mommy doesn 't take me very many places at all . What happened ? Lying next to the back door , waiting for Mommy to get home , I finally figured it out . Everyone who loves Jesus is His star . Sometimes we get to go on stage . Sometimes we wait alone by ourselves . We can do everything Jesus asks because He makes us strong . If we do what Jesus tells us to do , we are His bright and shining star . I don 't like getting humble but God wants me humble . At the TV station , all I did was my job . Mommy prepared me by teaching me tricks . I was obedient to Mommy and God so the show was good . Maybe I 'll get another turn to make a TV show , but right now , my job is to stay home and keep Rascal out of trouble . Trust me - it 's easier to make a TV show . Mommy lost Tom Tom in the bushes . She tried to lose me in the same place . I think my Mommy needs to give more thought to her steps . It was all because of a hotel . Would someone please explain to me why Mommy sometimes stays in hotels when we have wonderful Halleluiah . We always have the most trouble at hotels . It 's really Daddy 's fault . He had a conference in Jacksonville and his company paid for his hotel . Mommy and I decided to meet him there and do our missionary work while Daddy went to the conference . Mommy reminded Daddy that his company could also pay for a campground but Daddy said he didn 't want to put on a suit in a campground . Mommy does it so why can 't Daddy ? It was dark when we got to the hotel . Daddy wasn 't supposed to arrive for 2 more hours . Mommy started unloading . Since we don 't have room for suitcases , when we stay in hotels , we make a lot of trips in and out . When it 's dark , Mommy takes me with her back and forth . Mommy parked at the edge of the parking lot right next to a tiny curb and lots and lots of bushes . When I jumped out , I landed in the bushes . Mommy carefully stepped onto the tiny curb and rescued me . Mommy looked for a luggage cart but the hotel couldn 't find one . We started making trips . Mommy carefully balanced books , clothes , groceries , and other stuff as we gingerly stepped on and off the curb to walk behind Halleluiah to the parking lot . Ever since someone stole our GPS , Mommy carries Tom Tom inside at hotels . Mommy got Tom Tom , her novel , the last bag of groceries , her phone , bottle of water , and me . I got out first and stumbled again into the bushes . Mommy stumbled with me but caught herself just before she fell . She rescued me for the second time and we walked to the hotel . Suddenly Mommy said , " Where is Tom Tom ? " I looked and sure enough , Tom Tom was gone . Mommy began retracing our steps . When we got back to Halleluiah , she looked in those dark bushes . No Tom Tom . She got the flashlight and just as she looked in the bushes again , the sprinkler turned on . " Oh no , " she said . " Tom Tom 's going to be ruined . " She began frantically reaching inside the bushes with her hands . Doesn 't my mommy know Florida has spiders and that spiders love bushes ? Be strong and courageous . Do not be afraid or terrified because of them , for the LORD your God goes with you ; he will never leave you nor forsake you . Deut 31 : 6 NIV Mommy was worried . She kept looking at the gas gauge and using Tom Tom to search for gas stations . When we got near St . Louis , Missouri Mommy pulled off the freeway . " Thank goodness , Belle . They have a gas station . " I looked around and didn 't like what I saw . I started barking . Mommy pulled alongside some Government project houses that looked like the ones in Jacksonville Beach that Daddy warns Mommy not to drive by . I didn 't feel safe . Mommy turned into the one tiny gas station . I counted ten cars and 6 pumps . Mommy had to wait behind 2 cars to get gas . Young men wearing colorful shirts and gold chains around their neck walked everywhere . I ran from one end of Halleluiah to the other trying to make sure everyone knew I was in here protecting Mommy . I looked across the street trying to find our way out and saw three men playing with a basketball on the ramp back onto the freeway . There was no basketball hoop . Why were they playing there ? We waited and everyone stared . No one smiled and nobody looked or dressed like my Mommy . " Hush Belle , " Mommy said . " That 's not nice . " I couldn 't believe it when finally Mommy pulled up to the gas pump and got out of Halleluiah . She was hemmed in between 2 cars . How were we going to make a quick getaway ? The gas station was so small , I wondered how Mommy was going to get Halleluiah turned around to get out . I kept right on running back and forth barking . I ran to the window where Mommy was pumping gas just in time to hear a man ask , " So , what 's a pocket full of quarters ? " This man 's pants were hanging low around his skinny hips and when he opened his mouth to talk , his 1 bottom tooth was sticking straight out . His only 2 top teeth were rotten . I didn 't think Mommy should be talking to him but you know my mommy . " I 'm a Christian missionary and writer , " Mommy told him . " I talk to people about Jesus . Pocket Full of Quarters is the name of my first book . If you have a pocket full of quarters , you are prepared . It represents being prepared for life and eternity . Are you a Christian ? " " I 'm working on it , " the man laughed , showing those snaggly teeth again . " That 's one thing you don 't have to work on , " Mommy said . " You either are or you aren 't . It 's easy to be a Christian . All you have to do is believe in Jesus , confess your mistakes , and ask Him to be your Savior . Do you believe in Jesus ? " " Yes , " Mr . Toothless said . About that time , a very big man wearing very big gold chains and a long black shirt walked up . " What are you doing ? " he snapped at the man with the missing teeth . " I β¦ I β¦ I was just asking her about Pocket Full of Quarters , " Mr . Toothless stammered . The Big Man crossed his arms across his big chest . He glared at Mommy . Oh no , I thought . He 's trying to intimidate my Mommy . That doesn 't usually work . " " We are talking about Jesus , " Mommy said to the big man as she stopped pumping gas , stood up straight , and looked him straight in the eye . " He says he is working on being a Christian and I explained that it is easy to be a Christian and that he didn 't need to work on it . " " Hurry up , " The Big Man said to Mr . Toothless . Mommy and Mr . Toothless went back to pumping gas but kept talking . Mommy finished first and walked to Halleluiah . Thank goodness . Hurry Mommy , I barked , knowing she understood me . The car in front of us has left . We could get out now . The Big Man is still glaring at you . Mommy needs a keeper . Instead of driving off , she got one of her tracts , walked back to Mr . Toothless and The Big Man and handed it to Mr . Toothless . She glared right back at The Big Man who had folded his arms across his chest again and then turned to Mr . Toothless . " This will tell you how to become a Christian . You don 't have to work on it . Please read it . " " Thanks , " Mr . Toothless said as he put it in his pocket . Mommy got in the car and did a " 3 point turn " to get out of the gas station . The Big Man never stopped glaring . As we pulled onto the freeway , the basketball players stopped playing and stared at us . I just kept barking . It was the middle of the day . Didn 't any of these men have jobs ? Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Cheryle Touchton at 904 - 614 - 3585 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate For I know the plans I have for you , declares the LORD , plans to prosper you and not to harm you , plans to give you hope and a future . Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me , and I will listen to you . You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart . I will be found by you , " declares the LORD , Jer 29 : 11 - 14 NIV Do you wonder what a Missionary Dog does ? It is a hard job . I travel with Mommy and help her tell people about Jesus . My job is to look cute , do tricks , and attract people to Mommy so she can share . I also keep Mommy on track . If she does things in the wrong order , I bark . She laughs and does it my way . Ever since she hit the side of the camper at a gas station , I help her drive . I stand in the back when she backs up . I bark if she gets too close to anything . I also keep her company and snuggle with her when she needs it . It takes Mommy 3 hours to pack up Halleluiah and leave a campground . I do what I can to help but Mommy does most of that work . On our way out , we always stop by the dumpster to throw away our trash . Mommy and I fill up one large trash bag every day . What do humans do with all of that trash ? When Mommy throws away the trash , she leaves my door open . I stand on the seat and guard her . Yesterday , a pretty lady walked up with her trash and smiled at me . When she smiled , her dimples lit up her entire face . I knew I liked her so I let her pet me . Mommy didn 't see her so I barked . Mommy turned around and said , " Hello . " " Hi , " she answered . " What 's your dog 's name ? " " Belle helps me tell people about Jesus . She blogs our adventures on our website . " Mommy handed Jules a card with a quarter in it . " She 's going to do a children 's television show in Indiana next month and her book will come out soon . Want to see her tricks ? " It was my turn to do my job . Mommy and I ran through all my tricks as Mommy asked Jules , " What about you ? Are you a Christian ? " " No , " Jules said sadly . " I 'm a former Mormon . Now I 'm not anything . " " I met a former Mormon last night who said the same thing , " Mommy said . " You live in Utah . Most of the people around you are probably LDS . Do you know anything about more traditional Christian religions ? " " No , " Jules said . " My son is 2 . I 'm starting to wonder what to teach him about God . I believe in God and pray to Him . I can 't take my son to a church I don 't believe in so I 've been thinking about finding out about other religions . " Mommy got out a tract called Heart Talk . " The longing you 've been feeling is Jesus calling to your heart . This book talks about the heart . You 're at the age where you 're probably still trying to figure out who you want to be when you grow up and now you have a husband and a son who need your help as well . It can be a confusing time . " " The first part is about Hope . Have you read the scriptures very much ? " " No , " Jules said . " I was made to when I was a child and I didn 't understand them . " " That 's because you didn 't have the Holy Spirit to help you . You needed someone to explain them to you , " Mommy said . " It says here that God has amazing plans for you . The Bible is God speaking to you . That is your hope . God has the most amazing things planned for your life and the life of your son . " I love Jeremiah 29 : 11 - 13 . Believe " The next page is called Believe . To become a Christian , you must believe in Jesus . Have you ever heard the words ' For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only Son , that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life ? ' " " That message is to you . Jesus died for you . He sacrificed Himself because He loved you . All you have to do is to believe in Him . Jesus is God come to earth in human form . That is a major difference between what Mormons believe and what traditional Christians believe . We believe there is one God in three forms . The Father is the Creator - our Daddy . The Son is the teacher and Savior . God looked at the earth and saw how bad things were going so He came to earth as a baby . When Jesus rose from the dead and ascended back into heaven , He left us the Spirit . The Spirit lives inside of us and is our comforter . " When you invite Jesus into your life , you get the Holy Spirit . The next section is called Turn . God says that all we have to do to have our sins wiped out is to turn to Him . When we ask for forgiveness and turn to Him , He doesn 't even remember our mistakes . You 're right that it isn 't about following rules . It is about grace . God 's love is free . Becoming a Christian is easy . " Call " The next page is called Call . It is not enough to know about Jesus . You must ask Him to lead your life and be your Lord . Have you ever done that ? " " No , " Jules said as she leaned over and read the page . " It 's so easy . There is a prayer on the next page . " Mommy showed Jules the prayer . " First , you agree with God that He has plans for you . You tell him you believe in Him and that He died on the cross but then overcame death a few days later . You ask Him to forgive you and help you be a better person . You invite Him to lead your life . Would you like to do that right now ? " " I can see it in your eyes , Jules , " Mommy said . " You believe this is true . You recognize the truth of what I 've said . " Jules nodded and stared at the ground . Mommy , that 's enough now . Don 't push , I thought . " Some say yes right away and others have to get alone and think about it . I always invite people to pray with me but I never push . This is all new to you . You are hearing it for the first time . You seem like a private person but I believe you will take this home and pray about it . Trust what you hear God saying . Go to the website read Belle 's stories . I think you would enjoy them , " Mommy said . I knew she would enjoy them . " Arf , " I said . Mommy knew what I was saying but in case you didn 't , my answer to her was , Just doing my job . I am , after all , Belle the Missionary Dog . PS - You can see a picture of Jules by going to the photo gallery and looking under Utah - Moab - KOA . Mommy promised Jules that people would look at her picture and pray for her . Now you get to do your job . Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Cheryle Touchton at 904 - 614 - 3585 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate Who ever heard of a Doggy Vacation Report Card ? And what is a doggy vacation anyway ? Mommy left me at Doggy Daycare for 7 days . Doggy Day Care is better than a kennel . I get to play with other dogs but I 'm still without my mommy . Why would they call it a vacation ? My vacations are with Mommy . When Mommy got my 7 Doggy Vacation Report Cards , she read every word to Daddy over the phone . " She got an excellent every day , " Mommy bragged . What did she think I would get ? Mommy picked me up on Monday . I could tell Daddy had been there . I could smell him . Why didn 't he come see me ? I missed my Mommy but I guess I should stop whining . If I had to go somewhere , the Doggy Day Care was the best place I could go . 7 days felt like forever but Mommy finally came home . I did my best until she came back . I don 't know why Mommy left me but I trust her . Sometimes I think I trust Mommy more than humans trust God . Don 't they know that God is always taking care of them ? Don 't they know that even when they have to wait on God , He is working to make all things work out for them ? I wonder if they get excellents on their report card while they wait . Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call at 904 614 - 3585 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate Miss Barbara said the devil spit in Mommy 's eye . I didn 't actually see the devil do it but it made sense to me . It was the only explanation that that made any sense . Miss Barbara and Miss Gail work with us in the ministry . I love them both . Miss Gail said the devil was trying to stop Mommy from working and that Mommy should stomp her foot at him . If the devil spit in Mommy 's eye , I think closing her eye would be a better idea than stomping her foot . The entire day felt like a slow motion dream . I thought we were going to hit the road early . Instead , Mommy got on a conference call . Boy , can Mommy , Miss Gail , and Miss Barbara talk . They prayed , read the Bible , planned , talked and talked some more . I thought Mommy would never finish . Finally , we loaded the camper . Silly me . I thought we were leaving . Instead , we sat in the parking lot for over an hour while Mommy put together a bank deposit . Dollar bills were flying everywhere . Then , we went Β½ mile and stopped for gas . Next , we tried to go to the bank but TomTom let us down and sent us to a warehouse . Mommy called Daddy and Daddy found us a bank . I couldn 't believe it when Mommy pulled into the grocery store parking lot . Didn 't she understand that our day was tick tocking away ? When Mommy came out of the grocery store , I ran to the back , barking to greet her . I saw something was wrong . Tears poured down her face and she held her right eye . She climbed in Halleluiah and took out her contact lens . She tried her glasses but couldn 't see to drive . She gave up . She was hurting so bad that she curled up in the bed and laid there moaning for over an hour . I tried to comfort her but I don 't think I helped . Mommy realized she was in trouble . She left the camper and asked around about eye doctors . There was one across the street . We thought about walking but looked at the busy highway and changed our mind . Poor Mommy - she needed help driving so I sat in the front seat , barking at the cars . Someone needed to warn them . I waited in Halleluiah for 2 hours while Mommy was at the doctor . She checked on me twice and was still in agony . The doctor said Mommy had a chemical burn . He asked what she got in her eye and Mommy had no idea . I guess she didn 't know about the devil spitting in her eye yet . Poor Daddy - he doesn 't like it when Mommy is in pain so far away . He texted Mommy , " What can I do besides pray ? " When she is in trouble , Daddy needs a job . Mommy knows that and always finds him something to do . This time , she asked him to find us a dog friendly hotel close to the doctor . He was happy to have something to do . That night , Mommy curled up on the hotel bed and held her eye . Gradually the medicine helped and the pain got better . After about 2 hours , she got up , wrote a story , and put it on her blog . She and I went to bed and slept until birds started chirping at about 12 : 30 AM . Mommy has got to change the ring on her cell phone . Mommy 's brother and uncle were both sick so the call scared me . Mommy just answered it . It was from someone who had read Mommy 's story and needed to talk . This was an old friend that mommy hadn 't talked to in a long long time . Mommy didn 't know this woman was even reading her blog . The woman must have apologized for how late it was because I heard Mommy say , " You 're important enough to wake me up . " I could tell this was going to be a long call so I went back to sleep . I have 3 things to say about the devil spitting in Mommy 's eye . Number 1 - I didn 't know the devil spit but I shouldn 't be surprised . He is mean . Number 2 - His spit sure must be nasty because Mommy 's eye lid is blistered and her eyes are red . She feels better today but has to use her glasses and not her contacts . Her right eye is blurry and has a little double vision . Number 3 - The spitting didn 't work . Mommy was too sick to go out into the world and help people so God had someone call Mommy in her hotel room . The devil can 't beat God , even if he spits . Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Gail Golden at 904 316 - 5462 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate Poor Mommy . I heard her tell Daddy that she thinks she is too disorganized to do this job . She wants to quit and go home . She had such a good day yesterday . She was excited because of the 5 new Christians . It seems like whenever we have a day that good , bad things happen for the next few days . I think Satan wants Mommy discouraged . Mommy spoke at a church today . In the middle of her presentation , she hit the cord that connected her computer to her projector and the projector went flying off the table , bounced onto the stage and then onto the floor below . Mommy told Daddy that everyone gasped when it happened . Mommy looked at the expensive projector lying on the floor and said aloud , " That isn 't good . " Everyone laughed and she continued her presentation without her pictures . At least she was almost done . Pieces of the case and one of the feet broke off but the projector works . Mommy blamed herself because she 'd put the projector on unevenly stacked hymn books on a tiny table . We 'd lived in hotels for 2 nights because Mommy had to speak early in the mornings . We drove all day yesterday . We were rushing to get to each place so Mommy just threw everything in the back of Halleluiah . It was such a mess that I had trouble finding somewhere to sleep . When we got to our campground today , Mommy started fixing Halleluiah . People had donated money , bought books , and filled out cards to be on our mailing list . When Mommy gets in what Daddy calls " Speak Space , " she gets forgetful . She had stuffed left over books , money , and information cards in brief cases , boxes , on the seat , and in her purse . I also saw her put both sets of camper keys in her purse . Daddy 's warned Mommy to always keep one set in the camper and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . After about 2 hours of organizing , Mommy got worried . She was missing a business card from a pastor who wanted to be on our mailing list , a $ 25 donation check , and worst of all , Daddy 's camper keys . She searched for 2 hours . The good news is that her computer anMommy told Nancy that the only way to get more keys is to put in a different alarm system . Mommy told Daddy that only having one set of keys messes up her whole system because she keeps 1 set on a rope to wear around her neck when she goes to the shower and the other in her purse . " I feel terrible , " Mommy told Nancy . " That woman was nice enough to give us $ 25 and now I lost it . I can get the preacher 's information from my cousin but the big problem is the keys . " To Daddy she said , " Maybe I can 't do this . My life is too confusing . What if I can 't keep up with things anymore ? " Mommy speaks for a nursing home tomorrow and a television show on Tuesday . I think Satan wants her to stop doing what she is doing and I also think Mommy should just stomp her foot at that nasty old Satan . I don 't know why mommy is surprised she lost things . She has always has trouble keeping up with things after she speaks . When she leads people to Christ , she doesn 't come down to earth for hours . My opinion is that when she gets that close to God , she forgets about human things like zipping her purse . I was worried when she planned events for Friday , Saturday , Sunday , Monday , and Tuesday in 3 different states . I knew Mommy would do a good job but I also knew she was going to lose and break things . If you know my Mommy , I 'd like to ask some favors . First , pray for her . Next , would you remind her that that she is good at what she does and God wants her to keep doing it . Also , remind her that she 's always gotten discombobulated about details when she is in that place where she steps outside herself and lets God work . If you have some suggestions for how Mommy can keep up with things , you could pass them on to her . Tell her that she has been sick , that her mother - in - law just died , and if all this happened to anyone else , she 'd be offering comfort and encouragement . It is silly for Mommy to feel so incompetent the day after she helped 5 people get to heaven . Even losing the keys isn 't the end of the world . The Devil is lying to my Mommy . Would you help me help her ? Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Gail Golden at 904 316 - 5462 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate " Bob , where is my projector ? " Mommy said into her ear bud . She must not have liked the answer . " But you wouldn 't have put it there . You knew I needed it and I can 't lower the spare tire . Even if I could , I can 't get it back up . Besides , the pin won 't ever come out for me . " The back door was open and I stood on the seat with my head out the back window for moral support . I barked at the French Poodle across the street because I knew Mommy didn 't need company . She starts out thinking she can 't do things and by the time Daddy talks her through it , she gets it done . I know the Bible says she can do all things through Christ who strengthens her but for Mommy , I think it takes Christ and Daddy . " Bob , I have on white pants . If you oiled the pin , I 'm going to get dirty . " Even I could guess what Daddy said next . Mommy ignored Daddy 's idea to change clothes and tugged on the pin . Of course , it popped right out . " The pin is out and my hands are dirty . I 'll never lower the spare tire . It 's too heavy " Poor Daddy . He can 't see Mommy but she had it lowered before she stopped whining about it . " Those boxes of books are too heavy . I can 't lift them over the seat , " Mommy said as she pulled , grunted , and hoisted them at me . I backed up none too soon as they plopped right where I 'd been standing . Some books went crashing to the ground , knocking the phone from the back bumper to the ground . " Shoot , " Mommy said . " Now I 've dropped books everywhere . " Daddy only slept 4 hours the night before and I knew his blood pressure was rising . He gets upset when Mommy messes up books . Mommy left the phone on the ground and picked up the books . They were fine . " I found 2 boxes of books and the projector . I might as well put the camp chair back inside while I 'm here . Which end of the chair goes in the bag first ? " Why does Mommy do that ? She puts that chair in the bag all the time when Daddy isn 't here . OK - I 'll admit that she sometimes starts out backwards but she gets it in there . She folded up the camp table and put it behind the front seat . She pulled my leash stake out of the ground , twirled the leash around it , and put it under my seat . " I 'll never get the tire back up , " Mommy wailed as she started lifting . " No , I 'm not going to go find a man to do it for me . What do you mean use leverage ? I don 't even know what leverage is and if I did , it probably involves getting my white pants dirty . " In a second , she had the tire back up , the pin back in , and her pants were still white . " Hey , Bob , " Mommy said . " I found the Fresnel lens for the back window . It had fallen inside the back of the camper . I 've been having trouble backing up . How does it go on ? " She listened , sighed , and said , " You know if you were here , you 'd be doing all of this . " Of course he would . Daddy would rather do it than tell Mommy how to do it . She went in the camper and got a bottle of water , a sponge , and some glass cleaner . She cleaned the window and the lens . Daddy talked her through rest . She poured water on the lens , slapped the lens on the window , and started mashing the lens to get the bubbles out . I 've seen Daddy do this before and it took him seconds . It took Mommy 10 minutes but she did it . Next , she went to the front of the camper and stared at the my seat . We 'd been parked for days so Mommy had turned it around to sit and work . We were leaving early the next morning and I was glad Mommy was doing it now . " I 've never turned this front seat back around . I hope I can do it , " she said as she whipped it around and popped it into place . She went to the back of the camper and lugged all the boxes of books to the front seat floorboard . She stepped back and looked at it . " I think if I slam on brakes , these boxes are going to crush Belle . " She listened to Daddy . " Yes , the boxes are taller than the seat . Yes , the bottom of the top box is higher than the seat . " She frowned and listened again . She took out the boxes and rearranged them the way Daddy said . I felt much better . " Now I can 't find my phone , " Mommy said , looking everywhere . Boy did I wish I could talk . I went to the back and barked but she thought I was barking at the poodle again . " Yes , I 'm still talking on the ear bud . It can 't be far . " I relaxed when Mommy found it on the ground . " Bob , my life is hard . I don 't know how you stand staying on the phone while I do all of this . I don 't work this hard at home . " She 's right about that . At home , she has to go to a gym to get exercise . Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Gail Golden at 904 316 - 5462 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate Mommy may say yes to God about taking these trips but it takes a worthy village for Mommy to go . Our village works hard . My friend Barbara works for weeks on mailings and handouts . Gail looks for places for us to go and speak . Our Board of Directors helps us decide what to do . People send us money . Daddy works really hard on Halleluiah , Mommy 's computer , and the website . Mommy 's church commissions her . A prayer team prays . Mommy 's best friend Nancy takes all of Mommy 's frantic calls and helps her figure out what to do next . Mommy 's friend and mentor Judy keeps her focused on the next right thing God wants her to do . By the time we leave , the entire village is exhausted . I like it when Daddy goes on the first few days . No matter how hard Mommy and I try , we need Daddy . First , Halleluiah doesn 't much like sitting still so he always starts out grumpy . He also doesn 't like Pennsylvania so making him go back to work after he thaws out from winter is tricky . He started out grumbling , groaning , and leaking . We needed Daddy to make him stop whining and do his job . Second , we need Daddy for the technology . Mommy and I spend hours every day writing our stories and putting out pictures . This year we added blogs , Facebook , and Twitter . I think Mommy is getting carried away but she didn 't ask me . It didn 't help that the company that hosts our website moved it to a different server just before we left . Poor Mommy . Nothing worked right on the first couple of days and she doesn 't like it when people go to our website and can 't find what they need . She needed Daddy and someone at the computer company named Chris . After phone calls and e - mails , Daddy and Chris got our website working but we couldn 't have done it without Daddy . Whew . Maybe we should elect Daddy the Mayor of our village . In case Mommy forgot to say thank you , I 'll say it . Thank you , God for asking us to go into the world and tell people about you . Thank you , Daddy for being so smart and helping so much . Thank you , Gail and Barbara for loving , praying for , and working for God with Mommy and me . Thank you to everyone who sent money to help us tell people about Jesus . Thank you , Calvary Baptist for commissioning Mommy , donating money , and praying for us . Thank you to our Board of Directors for donating , giving guidance , and praying for us . Thank you , Nancy and Judy for keeping Mommy sane . Thank you to the rest of the family for being a good sport about Mommy 's crazy ideas . Thank you , the reader , for reading this , praying for us , and letting us minister to you . Thank you to the people on the street for talking to us and petting me . Thank you Mommy for taking me with you . I love our village . = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Gail Golden at 904 316 - 5462 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road leading people to Christ , you can donate at Donate That servant who knows his master 's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows . Luke 12 : 47 NIV Yes - I know we have to get ready but why do I have to get shots and a bath ? Every year , as Mommy gets ready for our next missionary journey , she takes me to the vet . They poke on me , stick needles in me , and look places no one should look ! Then they give me a bath and clip my long lovely toenails . Would someone please help me understand why I need shots to do my job as a missionary ? Mommy and Daddy are busy . Daddy is working on Halleluiah . The door was broken so Daddy put him in the camper hospital . We live in Pennsylvania now so some of Hal 's pipes froze and Daddy had to get that fixed . Hal needed an oil change , water in all his tanks , and two different kinds of gas . Poor Halleluiah ! They poked on him as much as they poked on me . He also got a bath . Is he is whining too ? Mommy went to something called a Commissioning . It must be good because she was excited . I 'm a missionary too . Why doesn 't someone commission me ? Aren 't I important ? Mommy is washing clothes , packing , shopping , praying , and writing . She is also getting her hair and nails done . I 'm not really sure how that helps either but it seems to make her feel better . Personally , I think it is a waste of time and money but no one has asked my opinion . Since Mommy was ignoring me , I decided to write this story . We 're leaving on Thursday . We 'll be gone 40 days . We 're heading south and then out west . Daddy will be with us for 5 days and on Easter Sunday . He 'll fly back to State College . We probably won 't see Daddy again until we get back home . I 'm worried about him because he doesn 't have many friends there but he does have work , church , and his Life Group . Oh - and I guess I forgot about God - Daddy has God . Now that I think about , I have God too . Maybe I should trust God and quite whining about everything . Mommy and the Bible say that when we know what we are supposed to do , we have to get ready and then do it . Mommy says God wants us to go on this journey and that my shots are part of getting ready . Getting ready is a lot of work and sometimes it hurts but I trust Mommy and God . When that doctor shoved that nasty needle into me , I didn 't even cry . I still don 't understand why I need shots but Mommy and God know what 's best . We need help getting ready for this journey to share Jesus with America . We need prayers and Mommy says we still need some money . Would you help us by praying or sending money ? DonateThanks - I 'll be looking for you on the missionary road . Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , call Gail Golden at 904 316 - 5462 . Money is ministry tool that enables us to continue this work . If this story helped or inspired you or you feel called to join forces with The Pocket Full of Quarters Lady and Belle , The Missionary Dog as they travel the missionary road , leading people to Christ , you can donate at : Donate Stand firm then , with the belt of truth buckled around your waist , with the breastplate of righteousness in place . NIV I didn 't feel good . I tried to tell Mommy but she was too excited about visiting her friend Julie to pay attention . The winding steep road to Mercer Island in Washington didn 't do much good for my ailing tummy . " Belle , this is a nice house . Mind Mommy ! " she said as we drove up . As if I didn 't mind her most of the time . This was a big house . When we got there , Mommy 's friend said , " Welcome to my palace . " It was a palace . There were pictures of Jesus everywhere so I liked it right away . Looking out at the water reminded me of our old home , Sanctuary , in Jacksonville , Florida . It was also peaceful like my Sanctuary . I could see why Mommy wanted me to mind . Everywhere , there were things I could play with if Mommy would let me . I knew she wasn 't going to let me so I didn 't even try . What I didn 't like was that Mommy locked me in the laundry room . I didn 't understand why she kept me on a leash when we walked around the house . We don 't use leashes inside . I don 't really mind my leash because it keeps me close to Mommy so I relaxed . I was relieved when she brought in my doggie pen . Mommy says dogs are cave animals . I don 't know what that means but I like my pen when Mommy leaves me alone . Mommy and Julie left me alone on Sunday . They went to church and to tell people about Jesus . I stayed in my pen without even complaining . Overall , I thought I was a pretty good sport . Over Saturday and Sunday , my tummy got worse . I stopped eating to try to get it better but it didn 't help . I don 't think Mommy noticed until it was too late . On Monday , my tummy won . I had an " accident " on the floor and it should have been obvious to Mommy that I was sick . " Belle , what have you done to this beautiful carpet ? " She sounded like she cared more about the carpet than me . I hung my head in shame . I know better but I couldn 't help it . Mommy started cleaning , but I 'd made a big mess . I couldn ' tCheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Gail Golden at 904 316 - 5462 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road as a traveling missionary , send your tax deductible contribution to Pocket Full of Change Ministries , POB 51205 , Jacksonville Beach , Florida 32240 . Β© Pocket Full of Change Ministries The Pocket Full of Quarters Lady There is neither Jew nor Greek , slave nor free , male nor female , for you are all one in Christ Jesus . Gal 3 : 28 - 29 NIV OK - I get it that some places don 't allow dogs . Many dogs are not as polite , well trained , or careful as I am and they spoil it for the rest of us . And yes - I 'll admit that dogs shed more than humans so I can understand people not wanting dog hair around . Some dogs even have disgusting fleas but I certainly don 't . Besides , some people have fleas . My complaint is about parks that allow other animals to roam freely but they put restrictions on dogs . We went to Theodore Roosevelt National Park and the only place I was allowed was on concrete . I couldn 't walk on a trail , get in the grass , and I certainly wasn 't allowed inside their buildings . I also had to be on a leash at all times . What is their problem with dogs ? While I was there , I saw prairie dogs running all over the grass . They laughed at me standing on the pavement while they got to stand on top of their hills . The buffalo make a much bigger mess than I do and their mommy wasn 't near as careful about cleaning up after them as my Mommy is . Other places make horses stay inside a pen but not this park . Theodore Roosevelt National Park allows horses to run free anywhere they please . The deer and the elk run free across the trails and leave little presents for the people to step in . No one even considered trying to keep the birds on a leash . I didn 't want to believe it but it is true . That park discriminates against dogs . Discrimination is wrong . I know it is because the Bible says so . When Mommy reads Galatians 3 : 28 - 29 , I think to myself - there is no dog nor cat , buffalo nor elk , deer nor bird , for you are all one in Christ Jesus . For people , there are laws against discrimination , so why aren 't there laws for dogs ? It isn 't fair but Mommy says life isn 't always fair and I just have to accept it if I want to find any peace . The Bible also says I 'm supposed to forgive and not judge . I Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Gail Golden at 904 316 - 5462 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road as a traveling missionary , send your tax deductible contribution to Pocket Full of Change Ministries , POB 51205 , Jacksonville Beach , Florida 32240 . Β© Pocket Full of Change Ministries " Lord , if it 's you , " Peter replied , " Tell me to come to you on the water . " " Come , " he said . Then Peter got down out of the boat , walked on the water and came toward Jesus . Matt 14 : 28 - 30 NIV Daddy is an eagle and Mommy is a duck . Daddy loves eagles . They 're all over his desk and hanging on his walls . He used to write a column called " The Eagles Nest . " He talks about soaring and soars through his life . He never gets lost . He doesn 't lose anything and he can open a cereal box just the right way . Things are easy for Daddy . Mommy wishes she were an eagle . Mommy doesn 't always like it when Daddy tries to help her . He won 't let her open cereal boxes because if she does , they won 't close back . He goes along behind her closing things and if she gives directions , he takes the map and checks it for himself . Things were extra bad in Washington . Mommy was tired and woried because I was sick . She was working long hours and I was too sick to help her . In fact , she spent a lot of extra time cleaning up after me . When Mommy gets tired , she forgets things like closing cabinets , drawers , or zipping her purse . What that means is that when she drives , our van , Halleluiah , throws things at me . It also means that things fall out of her purse . That drives Daddy crazy . " Cheryle , " he said . " Zip your purse . " " Who do you think tells me to zip my purse when you aren 't here ? " " I don 't know , but zip your purse . " A few minutes later , Daddy said , " Did you close that cabinet ? " " Bob , " Mommy said as she closed the cabinet . " Leave me alone . " " But I 'm just trying to help , " he said . " Remember that service is my spiritual gift . What am I supposed to do when I notice things ? " Poor Daddy . I think she hurt his feelings . " When you remind me about everything , I feel bad , " Mommy said . Poor Mommy . Everything Daddy said was right . Her purse was open and so was the cabinet . I think Mommy and Daddy are both smart . They both can empty the holding tanks on Halleluiah but I have to admit that when Daddy does it , it looks easier . It makes me tired to watch Mommy do it but she gets it done . Mommy gets lost but always finds her way back . She says she doesn 't have a sense of direction but it seems like it is backwards . Daddy goes somewhere once and never forgets how to get back . Maybe Mommy wishes she were more like Daddy . I think Mommy is fine the way she is . I just think she is a duck married to an eagle . She waddles through life , having fun , looking calm , but always paddling under the water . Ducks can fly too but it looks harder . When Mommy quacks , people quack back and some even follow her . Personally , I like ducks a lot . I love Mommy . I don 't even get mad when she leaves cabinets open and things fall on me . If she would just accept the fact that she is a duck , I don 't think she 'd mind letting the eagle help . It doesn 't matter if they waddle or soar , when Mommy and Daddy keep their eyes on Jesus , they both walk on water . When God gives them a job , He makes them able to get it done . Mommy and Daddy work hard to say yes to God and they help each other say yes to Him . They also love each other and both love me . Mommy is the wind beneath Daddy 's wings and Daddy is the mud beneath Mommy 's webbed feet . Cheryle M . Touchton is the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . For more information or to schedule a speaker for an event , go to www . pocketfullofchange . org or call Gail Golden at 904 316 - 5462 . This ministry exists because people like you are called to help fund the work of the kingdom . To help keep the Pocket Full of Quarters Lady on the road as a traveling missionary , send your tax deductible contribution to Pocket Full of Change Ministries , POB 51205 , Jacksonville Beach , Florida 32240 . Β© Pocket Full of Change Ministries Hi . My name is Cheryle M . Touchton and and I am the Director of Pocket Full of Change Ministries . I travel through 30 - 40 states a year evangelizing America . When I am not on the road leading people to Jesus , I 'm either in State College , Pennsylvania or Jacksonville , Florida . I am an evangelist , speaker , writer , and coach . I belong to Calvary Baptist Church , have been married to the love of my life since 1971 , and have 2 children and 6 grandchildren . I travel with my Sheltie , Shiloh the Shepherd 's Sheepdog . My publisher calls me a writer doing research . My church calls me a missionary . My husband calls me an apostle . My daddy just called me a hobo . I guess I am a little of all of the above . I love God and people . I live to blow bubbles and share Jesus with the world . |
As you no doubt know , I do not have fleas , nor have I ever had fleas . I don 't do fleas . Gramma doses me with special medicine so that I don 't get fleas . I am not sure what fleas are , if you want to know the truth . Oscar told me that he has had them before , Emmy , too . They both told me that these fleas will bite you and make you itch like crazy . They told me that you can 't stop scratching . They said it was as bad as when Gramma has poison ivy ! Well , last night , the puppy called Toni would not go to sleep . She was scratching and scratching and she was even biting herself ! Oscar said that she was not actually biting her skin , but that she was trying to bite the fleas and kill them . You know , like when Gramma found that tick on me and she squeezed it until it popped . Poor Toni was miserable . So was Gramma . She kept telling Toni to be still . Finally we all got up and went outside to pee . When Gramma brought us back in I looked at her and begged with my eyes to be allowed to sleep in my kennel , cause Toni was keeping me awake . Oscar slept . Papa slept . But Gramma and Emmy could not sleep . When it was finally daylight , Gramma saw a flea on her arm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . she woke everybody up ! She flipped the puppy called Toni over and told Papa that she was going to examine her under carriage ( can 't tell you what that is , cause I don 't know ) . Toni tried to bite Gramma ( never a good move ) and Gramma spoke in her no - nonsense voice . Toni lay very still and Gramma announced that Toni had fleas ! I was so scared ! What would this mean for the puppy called Toni ? ? Why does the puppy called Toni have these fleas on her ? Gramma told Papa that it was just days away from our regular dose of Advantix and that the puppy called Toni had grown since she had been dosed . All of the fleas were around her tail and back legs , so she was pretty sure that she had not used the correct dose for the puppy called Toni . So , Papa said , why didn 't she just put the right amount on her now . Papa is really silly if he thinks Gramma will miss an opportunity to give us dogs a bath ! But , Gramma made Papa go get some special flea shampoo . We all got shampooed with the new shampoo and Gramma even shampooed her hair with it . Gramma really , really hates fleas ! But that is not the end of the flea cleaning . She washed all us dogs ' blankets and pillows , too . I just had my kennel blanket smelling like sweaty feet again , too . Now it is April fresh , thanks to Toni for going out on an adventure and bringing home fleas . Emmy was quite happy to have a bath and Oscar says that you have to admit that it does make you feel better . I will tolerate these monthly washings of myself , but I really wish Gramma would leave my blankets alone ! I hope that the puppy called Toni has learned her lesson and will not escape on an adventure again ! I hope you never get fleas on you ! The fleas did not get on Papa , but they did get on Gramma . Papa said it was because Gramma was sweeter than him . I don 't know about that ; I have licked both of them and they both taste salty to me . Sometimes Gramma will put lotion on her hands and legs . Oscar likes to lick that , but I prefer just plain skin . Dear Gavin , Today is Sunday . Gramma closes early on Sunday and she is usually pretty tired . Today as she was locking up I noticed that the sky was clouding up . I was so excited ! That meant rain and rain would mean that Gramma would want to sit on the couch with us dogs . I was pacing back and forth saying " Oh boy , oh boy , oh boy " while I heard the locks click into place . Gramma told us dogs to go out and do our business cause she thought a storm was coming . She put some kind of meat in the oven and said we would relax until dinner was done . This sounded like a good idea to me . Gramma sat on the couch and I jumped up next to her . She was petting me and talking to me . Gramma and I communicate , as you know . Gramma told me that she had missed me lately . I have been spending a lot of time trying to train the puppy called Toni and Gramma has been very busy with the campground . So there we were , having some time together , just me and Gramma . Then a man tried to get into the store . Gramma said that if he could read road signs he could follow the directions on the door and use the after hours registration . Gramma said that she was tired . I agreed . Only , the man kept coming back and Gramma finally got up and opened the store . Then when she sat back down , the puppy called Toni jumped slap dab in the middle of us . We gave up . Papa came in and Gramma pulled the delicious smelling meat out of the oven . She sat down with Papa and they ate dinner . She gave me a taste . She called it pork chops . I do not know what these pork chops are , but they made me lick my chops ! I made a joke . Oscar said it was a lame joke . What do you think ? So , while I was still licking my chops , Gramma was looking around . " Where is Toni Louise ? " asked Gramma . Papa said he did not know . Gramma said that the meal had been way too peaceful and she wondered what Toni was into . Either Gramma or Papa let the girl dogs out and forgot about them . When I am ready to come back inside I bark to let Gramma kn ow I am waiting at the door . Oscar scratches the door and then barks . Emmy sort of whimpers and then gets louder and louder . The puppy called Toni is rarely out by herself . She usually goes where ever I go . I am her favorite , you know . Well , tonight Toni went outside with Emmy . Gramma went to let them in . . . . . . . . . . only , they were not in the yard ! Gramma was not happy . She marched through the house and told Papa that the girls had escaped ! Oscar suggested that we try to knock the plates down from the counter to see if any pork chops were left . He said that as long as the girl dogs were already in trouble that Gramma wouldn 't pay that much attention to us boy dogs . Really , I thought it was a bad idea . But , those pork chops were quite tasty . And Gramma would have her hands full with the puppy called Toni . . . . . . . . . We tried . Even though I am quite a remarkable jumper , I could not reach the counter . Oscar said I was pretty much useless as far as he was concerned . He told me that he wished my legs were longer . I wonder if he has noticed just how short his legs are ! I am kind of glad that we could not get the plates . Toni was the first one to be found , but nobody could find Emmy . Gramma always worries about Emmy . She is so little , you know . And now that she is old , her eyes don 't work as well and she doesn 't hear so good . Her back makes her walk pretty slow and stiff , too . Gramma really loves her and would be very upset if she couldn 't find her . Gramma found Emmy in the back yard . Emmy will usually come back and try to act like she had been there the entire time . Gramma knows better . She scolded Emmy and told her that she had scared her . She held her for a long time after she found her . Toni got scolded by Papa and by Gramma . She just wagged her tail , though . You would have thought they told her she did something good ! She is just not taking this training seriously . I am pretty tired now . So is Gramma . We are going to bed . I hope that you had a nice Sunday . I hope that you did not get into any trouble . Maybe all the boys every where had a good day today ! I love you , my boy . We had an exciting weekend . Aunt Debbie came and spent the night with us and the fence keeps going up ! Aunt Debbie did not bring Kiley with her . I was kind of bummed about that , but I got over it . She got to meet Toni Louise for the first time . I know you might be wondering if Toni behaved herself . She didn 't . She peed in the floor , same as usual . Gramma scolded her , but really , Toni does not care ! When Gramma scolds me , I feel bad and sometimes I even cry . I don 't like it when Gramma is upset with me . Toni must think Gramma is just kidding . But , that is not what I am writing about today . Gramma had to go into town and renew her driver 's license . Oscar tells me that you must have one of these in order to drive a car . Gramma 's had expired and she had to go take an eye test ( I hope this did not hurt ) and get a new picture . When she came home she told Papa that she had a regular photo shoot . This was scary . Why did they shoot her ? She did not look like she had been shot ! Emmy laughed at me and Toni . She told us that having a bunch of pictures taken was what you call a photo shoot . Well , if that is the case , then Gramma not only had a photo shoot , but she is a photo shooter ! As you can see in these pictures , I was sleeping peacefully in bed with Papa and the puppy called Toni . I like to take the cover that Gramma sleeps with and curve it around my body , just so , and then take a little nap while Papa sleeps in the morning . Papa and I do not care to get up as early as Gramma and Emmy . Oscar likes to sit with Gramma while she has coffee . So , there we were , Toni on Gramma 's pillow and me in her blanket . Suddenly there is a flash of light . I opened my eyes at first , then I shut them . There is really not much one can do to stop Gramma and her camera . Gramma was whispering and telling the puppy called Toni to look at her . Toni would not look at her . She kept turning her head to one side . Gramma kept on and on , telling her she was just being shy . Then she lay her head down and Gramma took the last picture and said , " Who could not love that face ? " Seriously ? I can think of two dogs right away . Oscar and Emmy . They don 't really care for the puppy called Toni . I have to admit that I really like playing with her . She can be annoying , but we have lots of fun together . The fence is almost done . They put a see - through fence up in our yard while they are working on the privacy fence . Us dogs need our yard so that we can go out and do our business ( that is what Gramma calls it ) whenever we need to . Gramma told Papa that the whole " walking on a leash thing " was not going to work while the store was open . You saw what happened in my last letter . So , us dogs have been watching the man called Charlie work on our fence . At first we got really excited when we saw the big gap under the privacy fence . Oscar was the one who saw it first . He told the rest of us dogs that with just a little digging we could all escape and go into the park ! We all stood there looking . We could see under the fence ! We saw people in the pool swimming and others walking around . This was going to be great ! We decided that the puppy called Toni should do the digging . Emmy volunteered to be the look - out and Oscar said he would lead us . We had a bit of an argument over this issue . I can run a lot faster than Oscar and told him that I should be the leader . I am also taller than Oscar . . . . . . . . . . We planned for three whole days . We would run into the woods by the tent sites and then work our way through the park . We would return for food , of course . Emmy said that the hole should be inconspicuous ( that means hard to find ) so that Gramma wouldn 't notice it right away . Toni disagreed and asked how we would find our way back in if the hole was hard to find . Oscar looked at her with disgust and told her that she was definitely lacking in the hound genes . He said that we should just follow our own scents back . I must say that I had not thought that far ahead . I was too busy worrying about Gramma discovering the plot . If it worked and we were not found out I would have such feelings of guilt that I would not be able to hide my distress . If Gramma discovered us gone , then she would send out a search party and we would all be in trouble . This scenario was equally distressing to me . Then I started to think about Gramma worrying about us dogs and I felt bad even more . I wanted to back out of the escape , but I was worried about what the others might think of me . What if one of us were injured ? My tummy stared to hurt and before I could stop myself , I ate a bunch of grass and threw up ! Oscar knew what I had been thinking and he made fun of me and I started to cry brown tears . When I went inside and Gramma saw me , she knew that something was wrong . She washed my tears off my white fur and held me . I knew then that I could not go through with the escape plans . You will be happy to know that before I had to tell the others that I would not be joining them on their adventure the man called Charlie covered the gap between the fence and the ground with some things called landscape timbers . Not only are they too heavy for us dogs to move , but he secured them to the fence with screws . Oscar said that he could read the writing on the wall and knew that this was an idea of Gramma 's . I have no idea where this wall with writing is , but I could not find it . Emmy confided to me that she had no intention of participating in the great escape and I told her that I would have stayed right here with her while Oscar and Toni went without us . Emmy said that in her younger days she had enjoyed many adventures with Louise , the Saint Bernard . She even confessed that after Louise broke her elbow that she had been the designated hole digger ! This was before my time . Emmy has always been such a goody - goody around me . I see her in a whole new light now . Emmy told me that I was like Sarge , the Collie . She said that he was a worrier , too . He would always try to talk Louise out of escaping , but she was stubborn and willful . I suppose this is why the puppy called Toni is the puppy called Toni Louise ! Gramma told me that you said you missed me while you were talking to her . Same here , my boy . I will always be missing you when you are not here with me . You are , after all , my boy ! I know that you are busy getting ready to go back to school . Gramma says that you will be in the second grade this year . I am very proud to be the dog of a second grader ! I don 't know what is going on around here . Our fence is down ! So now when we have to go outside I have to wear this thing called a harness and Gramma attaches a leash to it . Oscar and I used to wear choke chains whenever Gramma took us somewhere , but we kept pulling too hard and Oscar would cough and cough . Gramma said that it was annoying , so she got us these harnesses . Oscar got the blue one . We wear the same size , me and Oscar . I wanted the green , cause it is your favorite color . Gramma knows that , so she had already saved it for me . The puppy called Toni still has the collar that she came with and she even has a leash that is brown and pink . Emmy says this color combination is very stylish . " It 's a leash , " I said , " who cares ? " Then she reminded me that I was very particular about the color of my harness . I suppose she has a point . Emmy has the harness and leash that Gramma made just for her . It is pink gingham ( whatever that means ) and it has little alphabet beads that spell out her name . She is such a girl . Okay , when walking with a person with a leash attached to you , there are certain rules that must be obeyed . It is not a good idea to chase your own tail in circles . Even if you are the only dog being walked . You will end up with the leash wrapped around your own feet . Oh , and the number one rule when walking with Gramma . . . . . . . . . . . never run around Gramma , winding the leash around her legs . It will not end well . Gramma will not like it . Emmy chose to separate herself from the rest of us . I wish I had thought of that . Emmy did not want to get hurt or trampled by the puppy called Toni . Gramma finally just picked Emmy up and carried her . She said that I was too heavy . Oscar , too . I wish she had just carried Toni , since the rest of us know what to do . Gramma said this was a learning experience for the puppy called Toni . Oscar said he would like to teach her a lesson or two . He is not all that fond of the puppy called Toni . He will not tolerate any body else outside our family mistreating her , but he has nipped her quite a few times . I thought learning was supposed to be fun . This learning experience for the puppy called Toni was not fun . I am glad it is over and I hope the fence is finished very soon . Come to think of it , do you suppose Toni 's love of digging is why the fence is being repaired ? I wish you were here , I could really use your help with this puppy called Toni ! No pictures of this adventure , my boy , but I will tell you what happened . Gramma killed a snake ! ! ! ! Yes she did ! She was getting a bundle of wood for a camper and she picked up a piece of the wood and there it was . . . . . . . . a snake , just laying there looking at her . Us dogs listened to the whole story while she told Papa about it . Papa was not here , that is why Gramma was getting the wood . I suppose Papa would have found the snake if he had been here ; but only if he picked up the exact same piece of wood that Gramma picked up . What are the chances of that ? That snake could still be there , waiting to . . . . . . . . . . . . . I have a confession . I don 't even know what a snake is , or what it does . Why did Gramma kill the snake ? It must be bad if Gramma wanted to kill it . I have heard her say , " Toni , I am going to kill you ! " when the puppy called Toni chews on her shoes . Chewing up shoes and magazines is not a good thing . Gramma gets really mad at the puppy called Toni , but she doesn 't really kill her . So , I wonder what this snake did to make Gramma actually kill it . I listened to Gramma tell Papa that this snake coiled up and struck at her . By that time Oscar had informed me that a snake is a reptile that slithers on the ground because it has no arms or legs . So , now I am confused , how could this snake strike out at Gramma with no arms ? Or legs ? Papa asked how big the snake was and what kind . Gramma said it was small , no bigger around than a pencil and that she was pretty sure it was a moccasin . Oscar said that this was not good . I had already figured that much out ! He said that this is a poisonous snake and that a bite from this snake could kill ! Kill Gramma ! Oh no , that can 't happen . She takes care of us dogs . I know that Papa helps , but he is not as good at it as Gramma is . Come to think of it Gramma takes care of Papa , too . Things would not go well if we lost Gramma . Papa takes short cuts on a lot of things . He never even rinses our water dish , much less wash it . He just adds water to what is already there . I don 't know if you know this , but us dogs actually stick our tongues in the water to drink . Some times the puppy called Toni still has food on her tongue and it gets in the water . Gramma told me that humans call this backwash and that is why they don 't like to drink after small children . I prefer to have Gramma fill our dish . She takes it to the sink and washes it out and then puts fresh cold water in it . Papa just grabs a cup or a glass or a bowl off the counter and puts water in it , then dumps it in our bowl . If he drops an ice cube he will toss that in , too . All the food particles in the bottom of the bowl swirl to the top . . . . . . . . . . not very thirst quenching ! But , this is about snakes . Papa says that it sounded like a baby mocassin and Gramma said that is what she thought , too . I thought Gramma was very fond of babies , but I guess snakes don 't qualify . Gramma told Papa that she wanted the wood pile cleaned up and restacked where there is no grass . She does not like the fact that there could be more babies waiting in the wood pile to strike out at her ! Papa asked what she killed the snake with and she told him that she smashed the snake with another piece of firewood and that this was the very first snake she had ever killed ! Usually when Gramma sees a snake she yells for Papa , but he wasn 't here and she said she was afraid that the snake would slither under the fence and into our yard . Our yard ? Where us dogs play ? Oscar was alert at once and said he could kill a snake . Emmy told me if I ever see one I should just stay away from it . This is a good idea . . . . . except that I have no idea what a snake looks like . Emmy told me to just think about a worm on steroids . I did . I thought it was pretty funny , too . Emmy warned me to not make light of this issue , that even a very small snake could make me very , very sick and might even kill me . So , promise me that you will never , ever pick up a snake , okay ? I will leave them alone , too . I also told Oscar that he should leave the snake killing to Gramma and Papa . Gramma seemed quite proud of herself after killing this snake full of poison . Papa says that there are good snakes as well as bad snakes . Gramma told him that the only good snake was a dead snake . I think that she was making a joke , or maybe not . She didn 't laugh . Gramma said she wished she had her camera when she saw the snake , but that she probably would not have taken a picture until he was dead . Gramma is very careful , you know . I will be very careful , too , my boy . I must go now , Gramma wants me to go outside with the puppy called Toni . Toni likes to play and Gramma wants me to make her very tired for a nap . I can do that . Dear Gavin , Toni acts like nothing ever happened to her and things are back to normal around here . Toni gets into all kinds of trouble . She really likes to tear papers to shreds . I never did that , did I ? Emmy reminded me that I chewed up two pairs of Gramma 's shoes . That was a long time ago and I have matured nicely . Gramma told me so . Did you see that I now have 25 followers ! ! Gramma says that I am a very popular dog . Gramma says that I should not get a big head about this . I do not know what that means . My head is as big as it will ever be . I am pretty sure that if my head starts to grow , it would mean that something is very wrong . Why does she say these things to me ? Gramma has been moving all of the food out of one freezer into another . Seems like a silly thing to do . She told Papa that she needed to defrost the big one . Papa left the house to work outside in the park . I wish I had gone with him , because Gramma is not happy about this defrosting thing . I don 't know why , since it was her idea . She told Papa to move out of her way when he came in to get some ice . She said that there were some things that could not be saved and she has made several trips out to the dumpster . Us dogs were hoping she might drop something on her way out , but she didn 't . We figured Toni could rip into the packaging and then we could all check it out . Gramma is too careful ! Maybe Papa will come back in and help . He is sure to drop something . I think that I will go find that kong that Gramma filled with peanut butter and hide it in my kennel . All the other dogs are sleeping now . I am very clever , don 't you think ? Your clever dog , Wall - E Dear Gavin , Toni came home . Finally . She is right behind this door . I can smell her . I can hear her . I can hear Gramma talking to her . Gramma is talking very softly and telling her that everything will be alright . Everything will be alright ? ? What is she talking about ? I have tried to jump high enough to touch that door knob , but even when I touch it , I find that I cannot turn it and open the door ! Toni stayed in the store with Gramma . Gramma said she was still goofy from the stuff they gave her at the vet . Gramma let me take a peek and I did not think she looked goofy . . . . . . . . . Okay , maybe just a little . She watched a fly crawl on her blankee for a long , long time . She did not even know we were there ! Gramma read the instructions they sent home with her and it said that she had to stay away from us other dogs for a minimum of 10 days . Gramma laughed about that a lot . Later when Toni came in the house she told us that she slept while she was gone and that when she woke up , Papa was there . She said she was really happy to see Papa , cause she thought that she was going to go live in another place . She said this had happened to her before . All of us dogs felt bad for her . Even Emmy was nicer to her . Oscar told her not to worry because Gramma and Papa won 't let anything like that happen . Oscar says that he has lived with Gramma and Papa for as long as he can remember . He said that he heard that he lived in a pet store when he was just a tiny little pup . Then he went home with Jill and she gave him to Gramma . He says that he is a one person dog and that Gramma is his person . He said that when he came to live with Papa and Gramma there were already other dogs and a cat in the family . Then he told us that one day he got into the car with Gramma and Papa and they drove to a place where this lady had lots and lots of puppies in her yard . He said that he stayed in Gramma 's arms the whole time while Papa picked out a puppy . That puppy was Emmy . Oscar says that except for Zeke , the bloodhound that bit Gramma , all the dogs thatPosted by Dear Gavin , You will be as relieved as I am to know that even though Papa came back without the puppy called Toni , he is going to go back and get her at 3 : 00 . Gramma asked how Toni did on the ride and Papa said she yakked in the truck . It is okay , I have seen the inside of Papa 's truck . A little dog yak will fit right in . But . . . . . . . . . why did she throw up ? Was she sick , does she have a puppy disease ? Is that why Papa took her ? Gramma asked Papa what the puppy called Toni did when he handed her over . Handed her over ? ? ? To who ? This is not sounding good to me . Papa said they put her in a cage . Wait , did I hear that right ? A cage ? I wanted to go get Oscar , but I could not leave the sofa in case I missed something . Oscar was eating . Gramma put all of our dog dishes up last night . I don 't know why . Anyhow , Papa said that Toni kept looking at him from the cage with a sad face . Gramma was sad , too . She said that Toni probably thought that she was back at the pound . This just keeps getting worse . Then Papa said that he would be going back to get her at 3 : 00 . Then he went out to fix some plumbing and I ran to tell Oscar what I had heard . Oscar was appalled that they had put our puppy in a cage ! He told me that if not for the fact that Papa was going back to get her , we would be planning a rescue ! I did not point out the fact that we still did not know exactly where she was . I have learned that although Oscar is very brave and will stand up to anyone , he is also a big talker . Let 's keep that between the two of us . I would not want him to know I said that . He is very strong , I think I could outrun him , but he can be very determined when you make him mad . I will no doubt write another update when Toni comes home and I can get her side of this story . I think I heard Gramma say something about surgery , too . I don 't want to talk about that . . . . . . I might be sick if I do . I don 't even like to have my nails cut ! Your reporter dog , Wall - E Dear Gavin , Something is going on here . This morning Gramma put Toni 's collar on and woke Papa . She said it was time to go . Go where ? Are we going on a trip ? Is Gramma going to make me wear a collar , too ? Papa did not got to the treat jar and give us dogs our treat ! What is going on ? He started to , because Oscar was making lots of noise about it . He really likes his morning treat . Emmy was just watching Gramma holding Toni while Papa got his wallet and keys . Oscar was getting pretty loud and Gramma told Papa that we could not have t r e a t s . She spelled it out . Us dogs know what she is spelling , but we let her think she is pulling one over on us . But why can 't we have treats ? Papa took Toni and went out the door . I looked out the window and I saw them get in Papa 's truck , and they left the park . Just like that . Toni is gone . What is this feeling I am having ? Why do I feel bad ? I should be happy . I did not like this puppy called Toni . Remember , I told you this . Oscar does not seem to care . Gramma gave us our treats , but it just wasn 't the same . It was wrong for Gramma to give us our treats . Papa is supposed to do this . Something is going on here at the park . Toni is gone and I am sad . I thought I would be glad . I miss her . Did Papa take her back ? I know I said I wanted her to go back , but I sort of like having her around . She 's not so bad , I guess . She really likes to run and play with me . I did not think that Papa would take her back ! I must go see what is going on here . I will report back later , my boy . I wish you were here to help me look for clues . I do not want Gramma to know how upset I am , so I can 't ask her . I will let you know when I write the next letter . I will be sniffing out these clues . I did not ever think I would say this . . . . . . . . . . . . but I hope Papa brings Toni back home ! Your detective dog , Wall - E I am a small white dog with goofy ears that stand up when I am happy . I used to live with my boy , Gavin , in a place called Minnesota . Three years ago I came to live with Gramma and Papa in Missouri . I wrote letters to my boy to tell him abot my life here at the campground . Not too long ago , Gramma found a little white puppy that looked a lot like me when I was a pup . This new pup was named Max by my boy and now Max lives with my boy in Minnesota . Max needs my advice and sage wisdom to keep him out of trouble . |
It is no surprise to me that I fell in love with Adam when we were writing letters to each other . I fall in love with him all over again whenever I read something he 's written . For my last story in this month of 31 stories , I am posting something Adam wrote and posted on his own blog on March 9 , 2011 . It 's probably my favorite thing he 's ever written . It encapsulates everything wonderful about Adam . Adam is a man with a creative soul . He is a terrific father who learned from the best , his own terrific father . He is a man with a deep strength - - and not just the piano moving variety , though he has that too . Adam is my anchor in the world . And his writing makes my heart sing . I arrived home from work with just enough daylight and just enough Spring to mow the lawn . Braeden and I reveled in the straight lines and I sat in the temple and smiled at the sight of Emma and Braeden sitting side by side , quiet and content . Outside the temple , we stared up at the stained glass , the angel , the glowing walls . I asked Emma how she felt . " Light and airy , " she replied . to Disneyland with Megan , Talia and Jackson . " If your dad were still alive . . . " she began to say . For the first time , I smiled and laughed instead of fighting back tears . Everyone is asleep . I sit down to write . I don 't cry . I don 't turn away . It 's a change . I can write again , at last . But it 's not the same as Before . Everything seems different now that I live in After . last hug and kiss . A last " thank you " from him , though it should have been from me . I did not know until a few hours later that they would be the answer . There was no crisis . No need to wonder , to question . That part of me remained . The part that is assured . The part that loves and longs . The part that knows . The part that sees me through After and waits for Again . I think I was always convinced my children were the best and brightest children alive . Probably because I had seen them when they couldn 't even hold their heads up and they grew and changed in leaps and bounds . They would do things like clap their hands and I would think , " This baby is a genius ! " Also , I love them so much , I couldn 't imagine them as anything but fabulous . As they 've grown , I 've seen weaknesses . I 've seen ways they aren 't quite perfect ( perhaps most irritating are the ways where their imperfections mirror my own ) . I 've even seen learning disabilities . Confronting Braeden 's learning disability was one of the hardest things that has happened to me as a parent so far . It may seem like small potatoes but maybe my capacity is sort of small potatoes . For me , it was really tough to accept . Here I had this golden boy who was sweet and bright and had big dreams . I tried to reconcile that with his stark inability to express himself in writing and it was devastating . Everything he wanted to be when he grew up was absolutely impossible without the ability to write . I was determined to " fix " him . There had to be a cure , a solution , a formula to follow . Except there wasn 't . Talking to my brother Tabor , who also has learning disabilities , was the best thing I could have done . With Tabor 's wise counsel , I slowly came to grips with reality . I determined that instead of changing Braeden , I would help him cope . One thing I wanted to try was teaching him to type . It was another item on a long list of strategies I had employed but I wasn 't about to give up just because nothing else had helped . My mom is a force to be reckoned with . There 's no way I can characterize her stamina and determination and ability to make things happen . If I could buy some of her resolve in pill form I would take two a day . My mom offered to teach Braeden to type . She sent detailed lesson plans to her reluctant student . She was a stickler and 800 miles away , she exacted his best . I believe in miracles . I believe in a Heavenly Father who loves us and blesses us with miracles . There have been times when I wanted a miracle - - had it all mapped out in my mind . I knew exactly what I wanted and I could see how wonderful it would be and the miracle . . . didn 't happen . This time a miracle happened . Braeden , who had been writing well below his ability or grade level , could suddenly write . Typing unlocked his expression . His English teachers scoff at me when I mention his learning disability . I insist it 's there so they 'll let him type . Then I feel swells of gratitude that sometimes leak out of my eyes . My golden boy , the sweet boy who is bright and filled with big dreams , is no longer held back . In primary at church we have been talking about how we know God knows and loves us . Here 's how I know : He gave me my mom . Posted by can 't read Polish . " I won 't bother . It was nice of the publishers to spare me the trouble . In any case , I have all eight pages of the London name is Bakerloo anyway ? The line includes stops at Baker Street ( for Sherlock Holmes fans ) and Waterloo Station ( the UK 's largest rail station ) . It must be a contraction . I shouldn 't poke fun . I come from At least Bakerloo has a good ring to it . It 's fun to say . The same can 't be said of the train I 'm catching . It 's the District Line train to Barking . Fortunately , I 'll get off the train before Barking . I feel silly just writing that . standing on the south bank of the Thames staring at the empty colonnades of the old Blackfriars bridge . The marble columns are all that remain of the original bridge that opened in 1769 . Tonight a series of green lasers shoot across the span of the river , reconstructing a ghostly image of the missing bridge . walls of the Level 2 Gallery are coated in blue carbon copy paper . Burned tires are scattered about the room . Chemicals splashed against the walls have settled in puddles of color at the base of the walls . They 've left behind what look almost like the shadows of people . I 'm standing in the middle of the phantom crowd . The room is empty and silent , but I feel like someone should be shouting . toward an upturned crate . I want to stand on it , but the flagpole canopy is too low . I feel pressed upon , so I move to one corner of the room where I 'm free of the obstructions overhead . Safely on the outside eyes are closed . The sound of rain is all about me . I 'm leaning against a set of empty bunk - beds - - one of many pairs neatly arranged across the floors of the great turbine room . They serve as drying racks for wet and weathered books . A collection of giant outdoor sculptures is pushed to one end of the room . Cables extend downward from the massive 115 foot ceiling in order to support their weight . is London 50 years from now . It rains without ceasing . Everything is wet either from the rain or the humidity . People , art and culture all seek protection . At first overwhelming , the more I listen to the rain the less I hear it . It 's the thunder that is clear and deep . Eventually , I hear voices . I can 't tell whether they are part of the exhibit or just the sound of other patrons . The voices somehow change everything . The thunder sounds more like hurried wheels rolling across the floor above me . It 's as though something is happening somewhere and far end of the hall . What light manages to get past my eyelids is piercing and strobe - like . I turn my back to it before opening my eyes . Whatever people I heard are no longer there . No activity . No hurrying . It 's just dark . And I can hear the rain . is before me . It 's bells are tolling the time . Nine deep tones float across the river and pass me by only to bounce off the walls behind me and return . people looking out across the river , but I 'm watching people 's faces . Some pass through the sounds and take no notice . Most begin to smile and then look confused or startled . If they 're walking quickly , you can behind me and the breadcrumb path of blue lights before me . The alleyway is filled with the vented heat from some machinery somewhere . On the left of me a barefoot man is unrolling his sleeping bag on a bed of cardboard . His boots and socks are placed neatly to one side . He takes no notice as I pass . Up ahead on the right another man is arranging his cardboard into a walled nest . The cardboard is clean and new . He still has on his heavy coat and sizable backpack . He says something to me as I approach . I can 't make it out through the accent , the industrial humming and my own surprise . Whatever it was , it sounded a good thing I was prepared for this . Looking over the northwest railing of London Bridge , I can make out the form of an underwater creature coming close to the surface of the river and then disappearing again into the depths . I read about it online , so I know it 's just a video projected onto the surface of the river . From above or below , I don 't know . It 's striking how real it appears . What if it were real ? I 'm watching what now appears to be a mother and child circling each other in the water . People are passing me . No one else even notices . Olaf , King of Norway , is watching me eat a chicken sandwich . I don 't know when he lived or why his statue is on the corner of this building , but he just keeps staring . It kind of creeps me out . I just want to eat my pathetic meal in peace . I am off the tube and just a few blocks from my hotel . It took me longer to get here than I wanted . The Jubilee Line , my fast ticket away I 've managed to choke down five pages . That 's all I can take . Now I just need a garbage can ( or rubbish bin as they say here ) to toss it in . Several years ago , Adam went to London often . I didn 't like having him gone . I thought it was because our children were so young and it was hard to physically be the only parent on the continent . Then a little over a week ago he went to London ( and Berlin - - he 's branching out ! ) and it was really hard to have him gone . Even though our kids aren 't physically as taxing . . . they are pretty self - sufficient . . . I missed Adam . A lot . Everything is better when there 's an Adam around . This isn 't about Adam though ( so sorry about the tangent Olivia - - she hates tangents ) . It is about London . A huge upside ( besides the chocolate Adam always brings from London ) were the trips I got to take to London . I went one summer and then a year later I flew with Braeden and Emma and met Adam in London . ( Mark wasn 't ready for London - - or vice versa . ) First , Emma had forgotten ever flying before and once she saw a plane take off at the airport , she was dead set against it . She adamantly refused to get on the plane . Emma has the potential to get irrationally freaked out . ( I 'm not sure where she gets it from . . . ) Adam , Calmer - in - Chief that he is , wasn 't there so I had to do my best to convince her to get on the plane . She finally agreed , boarded the plane and clutched her stuffed cat Sally in a death grip . ( Emma didn 't ever go anywhere without Sally back then . ) After take - off , she was delighted and declared it was fun and she wanted to do it again . The second memorable event occurred in Vancouver where we were transferring planes . We had to go through customs and the official thought I was possibly kidnapping my children and he quizzed them heavily about where we were going and why and where their dad was . He didn 't talk to me at all . They had just turned 11 and 9 and they handled the unexpected interrogation pretty well . He let us go . The best thing happened partway through the long cross - Atlantic flight . I was miserable . It was late and I couldn 't sleep despite how much I wanted to be asleep . Braeden was asleep and Emma was wide awake . She was happily holding Sally and writing in her notebook and staring dreamily out the airplane window at the night sky . Suddenly she turned to me and said , " Look , Mom . " I leaned over her and looked out the window and there were the Northern Lights . It was the most incredible sight I 've ever seen . The entire window was filled with blue and green and yellow light leaping across the sky . I looked around and as far as I could tell , Emma and I were the only ones awake ( besides the pilots . . . I 'm assuming they were awake ) . It felt like the Northern Lights were putting on a show just for us . I looked at Emma and her face filled with wonder and I thought , " I 'm going to remember this for the rest of my life . " Perhaps to be a mother is to feel guilty . I try to be a good mother but sometimes I miss the mark . There are just so many ways that you can possibly mess up raising children that it 's bound to happen . Adam and I didn 't know what to do so we talked to our parents . I don 't know who was the original source of the idea but someone among them told us to spank him . They all seemed to agree . So Adam and I decided that we should spank Braeden to teach him not to jump out of bed . Telling him not to jump out of bed was not really working . We hadn 't spanked him before but this seemed like a high stakes situation . I particularly remember a bruise on his little ear . We had to save our baby from himself ! Adam and I psyched ourselves up for the ordeal . We decided we 'd take turns . If Braeden jumped out of bed , one of us would go in his room , spank him and put him back in his bed . It went on for about 45 minutes . 45 really terrible minutes . Braeden has always been pretty even keeled and pleasant and he was acting like a lunatic , hurling himself to the ground . It was horrible . Finally , my pregnant self couldn 't take it any more . I was exhausted because Braeden was heavy . I told Adam I was done . I went and lay on our bed and cried . I think Adam felt a little like I 'd deserted the army . Finally he brought Braeden to me though . Braeden lay next to me , snuggled in and fell asleep . I had mono when Emma was an infant . ( I can perhaps blame the mono . ) When Emma was nine months old I took her to her well baby doctor visit . I can 't remember our doctor 's name but I really liked her . She was not very warm and fuzzy . She rather eyed my babies sharply and didn 't seem to miss a thing . I had a lot of confidence in her . On this particular visit , she told me that I was starving Emma . ( See , she was not one to mince words . ) She showed me Emma 's growth chart . She had all but stopped growing . Her head was still growing a little . " That 's what happens when a baby starves , " the doctor said , " All the nutrients go to the brain . " To say that I was reeling would be a huge understatement . I . Was . Starving . My . Baby . I 'd had no idea . She was a happy little cherub . I was mostly breastfeeding her but was introducing some solids . She was starving ? ! ? The doctor told me to buy formula which is exactly what I did on the way home . I was in a surreal haze . Over and over I kept rolling my doctor 's words over in my mind . I was starving her . The year Mark was born , I was homeschooling Braeden kindergarten . So Mark 's whole life has had the backdrop of homeschooling . When he was a toddler , the boy wouldn 't watch TV like a normal American toddler . No interest . It was a lot more fun to get eggs out of the fridge and break them on the carpet , to climb the rocking chair and knock it over and break it , to fill the toilet with Lego bricks and to get up on the school room table and dance across the school work . But I was homeschooling . And still trying to give him attention . It was crazy town . If I hadn 't been so determined to home school I am sure I would have given up . I bought a gate , the type you put at the top of the stairs to keep your little one from tumbling down . I put the gate in Mark 's bedroom door though . His bedroom was off the school room . I would put him in Mark jail while I gave the other two assignments , then I would climb over the gate and go visit Mark in Mark jail . Every single day I would berate myself for locking my red headed darling up . What kind of mother was I ? As for Mark , he started playing with Legos and hasn 't really ever stopped . At the end of last school year , we got a nice letter in the mail informing us that Emma would be getting an award at the awards ceremony at her school . We 'd received the same letter when Braeden was in 8th grade . We went to the awards ceremony and sat through a lifetime of boring - ness for his name to be mentioned . ( But unfortunately that didn 't mean we didn 't have to go for Emma too . ) I went to Emma 's ceremony with Janet . Our girls sat on one of the many chairs on the gym floor with the other kids and we sat in the bleachers . It was long . And boring . Every time a teacher got up to give an award , it was not to Emma . Soon all that was left was the National Junior Honors Society . Emma however , was not part of the National Junior Honors Society . She could not be bothered to fill out the paperwork . ( Sometimes I wonder why my kids aren 't more ambitious and then I remember who their mother is . Oh . OK . Anyway . ) Since I knew Emma wasn 't part of the National Junior Honor 's Society , I was annoyed that we had come to the event for naught . Worse , Emma seemed to sink lower in her chair the whole time . In my mind I imagined her humiliation , and it made me mad . At the very end , the principal told all the kids who 'd received an award to stand up so we could clap for them one more time . The several hundred kids all stood up , except Emma . Something inside of me snapped . I went from mildly annoyed to quite indignant . Fine , waste my time . Do NOT humiliate my daughter ( says the Mama Grizzly with teeth bared ) . Freja , who was sitting next to Emma , grabbed her arm and had her stand up too but it was too late . I had already ventured to the dark side . I started to cry . Even now I want to go back in time and gently lead my crazy self out of the crowded gym before I could mortify myself . But no , I was crying . To the principal because she didn 't give my daughter an award ? ! ? It was the worst possible version of myself . On display . Later , Emma told me that she didn 't really care that much . She hadn 't been embarrassed . I think she could have lied to me and thrown herself down on the floor in despair , just to make me feel better . While I didn 't have full blown postpartum depression after giving birth to Emma and Mark , I did have at least one episode of emotional craziness . Just after having a baby ? That 's not the time to mess with a mother and her emotions . My mom was staying with us for a few days , helping me stay afloat after Mark arrived . I had to take him to the hospital for a PKU test . He was just a few days old . Adam was at work and Braeden and Emma were home with my mom . I don 't know if I would have been able to handle the errand alone with Braeden when he was a newborn so I really was in a much better state . I wanted to get Mark home . He was screaming because he didn 't enjoy having his heel pricked for the PKU test . I walked out of the hospital , carrying Mark . Right outside the door , there was a man spread eagle against the wall of the building . Several police officers had their guns trained on him and were yelling at him . And there I was with my newborn . On the inside , I was freaking out . I didn 't like drawn guns being in the same world as my precious newborn , let alone in the same parking lot . I hurried to our van and got Mark all strapped in . I climbed in my own seat , ready to flee when a police car pulled up behind me , lights flashing . So I started crying . ( Because remember ? I was crazy . ) I told the policeman that he had to move his car because I had to get my baby home . ( Have you ever told an armed policeman what he " had " to do ? This was sort of a first for me . ) He asked me what was wrong and if my baby was OK . I said that he was fine but I wanted to leave . It all hit me as I was driving home . What had I done ? Who was this person that scolded policemen for getting in her way ? Mama Grizzly strikes again . I have this problem and it 's called temporary insanity . It happens when one of my cubs appears to be wronged or in danger . I am sure there is a certain amount of value to the instinct of a mother protecting her young . I 'm also pretty sure that I sometimes go too far . I get a little crazier than is strictly necessary . I don 't do it on purpose . I wish that I would act differently . Perhaps the really unsettling part of it all is that it is completely contrary to my nature . Sure I get cranky , but I rarely assert myself to strangers , particularly on my own behalf . I don 't like to display too much emotion in public . I don 't like to talk to strangers . I would wander around a store looking for something for a long time before I would ask a store employee for help . I am , at my core , shy . The first time it happened , we were living in Connecticut , in our student apartment . We lived on the second floor and the apartments were in groupings of four with a shared front and back staircase and hallways shared between us . Adam was gone somewhere for the evening and I was home with Braeden who was one year old . I was also newly pregnant with Emma . Our downstairs neighbor was , I think , from Pakistan . I can 't remember . We weren 't friends . He was single and had little furniture so his footsteps would echo when he walked around late at night . ( Gosh , I miss apartment living ! ) Also , he smoked . He smoked really nasty unfiltered Pakistani cigarettes that smelled terrible . If our windows were open , the smoke would drift in . Even if our windows weren 't open , the smoke would enter our apartment underneath our front door . On this particular night , I could see the smoke entering my apartment . It was that thick . If I had been the only one home and not pregnant , I would have been annoyed . I may have left the apartment . I wouldn 't have done what I did . I scooped up Braeden and with him firmly planted on my hip , I marched downstairs . Without pausing to think , " What are you doing Thelma ? ! ? " I knocked boldly on his front door . He answered , cigarette in hand , his black hair wild and his face unfriendly . I proceeded to lecture him . I railed against his smoking because I have a baby here Mr . Nasty Cigarettes plus I am pregnant so stop smoking ! OK , I don 't think I said that exactly . I can 't remember what I said ( because remember , I was having an out of body experience ? ) but I know that up to that point in my life , I had never ever done anything like that . One year on April Fool 's day , I made some carrot bread in a loaf pan . I dyed some whipped cream slightly yellow so it looked like mashed potatoes . I had caramel " gravy . " I arranged the carrot bread and whipped cream to look like meat loaf and potatoes and I called everyone to dinner . Braeden was probably five . He came racing in , excited about the meat loaf . He took a bite of the carrot bread and his face crumpled and he burst into tears . We argued awhile back and forth and we told them to go to bed . They were little so they complied . They were about this age so I feel a little guilty about tricking them but like I said , they got too smart when they were older . . . Something has been missing from these stories so I 'm going to have to fast forward a bit to get to Mark . Nothing is complete without Mark . Once Braeden was looking at photo albums and he told me that I was a lot prettier after Mark was born . My children got more intense as they arrived . For example , Braeden became really mellow and quiet when he was tired as a baby . Emma would get fussy when she was tired . Mark would get hyper . ( Hyper - er ? ) Once when Mark was just a baby we went to Canada to the Vancouver Aquarium to see the beluga whales . ( Emma had a thing for beluga whales and wanted a baby beluga for Christmas . ) We may or may not have made some surreptitious purchases in the Vancouver Aquarium gift shop . It was Thanksgiving weekend so the border crossing was busy . Adam and I watched with a certain amount of dread as the car ahead of us was at the checkpoint . The guards opened the trunk of the car and were rifling through everything . We had Christmas presents in our van and we didn 't want our little ones to see what we had bought . It seemed like they were searching all the cars though . When it was our turn , Adam handed over all the documents to the guard . It was dark and he shined a flashlight in the back of the van . Braeden and Emma knew to keep their mouths shut and Mark was asleep . It was only a year or two after September 11 and crossing back into the United States was not to be taken lightly . We were going to just get done with this and get home . Then the guard asked if he could look in the van . He flung the door open behind Adam . Mark was asleep in his carseat on the other side of the door . When the cold air hit and a strange man was standing over him , Mark woke up and started screaming bloody murder like only a wronged red head can manage . I 've never seen one of those border guards , whose sole purpose in life is to intimidate , so intimidated . He quickly shut the van door and sent us on our way . Everything was going along swimmingly in San Francisco . Adam liked his job . We 'd made good friends in our apartment complex . We 'd started saving to buy a house . My only complaint in life was that I had been sort of spoiled by our close proximity to Yale campus and now Adam had a forty minute commute ( each way ) and I wished I could see him more . Adam parents generously offered that we could move in with them . Adam and I appreciated the offer but we were sure he would find something quickly and that would be unnecessary . While we were praying that Adam would find a job , Braeden prayed that he wouldn 't find a job so we could move in with Grandma and Grandpa . We moved to Washington on Valentine 's Day , a few days before Emma 's second birthday . For as long as I live I will be grateful to Adam 's parents for their hospitality . It was truly a blessing to be with them . They were welcoming and helped us feel normal when everything was upside down . Also , it was fabulous for our children to be around their grandparents . It was a hard time . But just like every other hard time in my life , it was also a time of learning . We survived it and I 'd like to think we became better people as a result . One night Adam was playing basketball with some friends . One of them , Jared , was getting a joint Yale - Harvard degree . ( You know , one of those unambitious type people . . . ) Jared 's friend from Harvard was there playing too and he and Adam talked . Moving to the West was what we wanted . We wanted to be closer to family . We wanted a real job . But moving across the country ? In a few weeks ? I wrote down everything I could think of that needed to be thought about . When Adam got home he saw me toiling away at my list . " I love you , " he said . From there , life was a blur for awhile . Adam flew to San Francisco and found us an apartment . I stayed home and found us a moving company that could move us with such short notice . ( Some moving companies just laughed at me . ) I packed and arranged and said tearful good - byes to our dear friends . It turned out I was really sad to leave Connecticut . A lot had happened there . It was the refiner 's fire and we 'd come out stronger . I loved the pretty place and we 'd made spectacular friends . I was also happy to be leaving though . It was giddy to be moving on to what felt like real life . A pivotal part of the journey was when we ate at Cracker Barrel in Iowa ( the beginning of a beautiful friendship ) and people were really friendly . The West ! We were getting closer ! It 's not that people weren 't kind and good on the East coast . They were . It was just different , especially in any sort of customer service capacity . For example , once we were in Boston on a shockingly cold day . We were walking the Freedom Trail ( because when you 're poor like we were , it doesn 't matter how cold it is , you are doing the free stuff ) . We needed to change Braeden 's diaper so we went into a public library . You had to get a key from the desk to use the bathroom . Adam asked for the key . The woman eyed him suspiciously and said , " You 're not changing your baby in the bathroom . " We saw lots of country as we drove . We were in terrific mid - western thunderstorms and saw plenty of amber waves of grain . It was wonderful . You can 't beat a good road trip . Since our belongings weren 't going to be in California for another week , the kids and I stayed in Nevada with my parents and Adam went on alone to San Francisco . Then we found out it was going to still be several more weeks for our stuff to arrive . Grrrr . Our apartment was in Pittsburg . I didn 't know there was a Pittsburg . I knew about Pittsburgh which is the Pennsylvania variety . I 'd never heard of the California variety . The woman I called to have our telephone service hooked up had never heard of Pittsburg either . She said , " I don 't think we service there . . . " Once the boxes came , Braeden and Emma instated these boxes as their furniture . They called them their snuggle boxes . They 're in TV trances for this picture . Since we lived in Connecticut and our families were in Nevada and Seattle , we had to fly to see them . Thankfully we had those free Southwest passes to use sometimes . Other times we saved our pennies and bought tickets . It was always an adventure flying with babies . We went west for Braeden 's first Christmas . We flew to Seattle to spend time with Adam 's parents then to Salt Lake City where my family picked us up and drove us to Nevada . It was long . We were flying Southwest so stopping in every airport in the middle of the country it seemed . I recorded the itinerary because it was so insane . We flew from Providence to Chicago to Omaha to Phoenix to Los Angeles to Oakland to Seattle to Salt Lake City to Kansas City to Chicago ( again ) to St . Louis to Indianapolis and finally back to Providence . Sometimes I think parents don 't remember their children truthfully and they think their little darlings were perfect when it isn 't really true . Sometimes his ears would hurt on take - offs and landings but otherwise he was happy . After that marathon Christmas trip , when we went to church in New Haven there was a couple who was new . They had been on one of the many flights and they remembered Braeden . They said , " We noticed him on the plane ! He was so cute ! " I think it was his big bald head and happy smile . Flying with Emma complicated things . This may come as a surprise to you but two babies are harder than one . At least we could tag team and each of us would take care of one child . Luckily in these pre - September 11 days , we could stand at the front of the plane and bounce a baby . A few times I flew alone with the two of them . One time was after Enoch and Jennifer 's wedding , which was in Spokane , WA . The four of us had flown to Seattle . We drove to the wedding with Adam 's parents then Adam flew home early to get back to school or maybe just work at that point and I stayed on a few days in Seattle . I mustered all my courage and boarded the plane when it was time to go . I had a diaper bag filled with every trick I could think up . I had a stroller , two car seats , a baby and a toddler . Once was in Cincinnati . I had a leash for Braeden ( go ahead and judge me - - everyone else did too and I didn 't care because he was precious and I wasn 't going to lose him ) . I 'd attach it to his belt loop in the back because he could figure out how to get it off his wrist . I had Emma in the stroller , the diaper bag was a backpack and I pushed the stroller with one arm and carried the two carseats with the other . We made our connection and I don 't remember much about the actual flights but we survived them . Our next connection was in Houston . It was a close call whether or not I 'd make the connecting flight so they gave me a ride on one of those golf cart type things which I thought , after the Cincinnati experience , to be the best thing that ever happened to me . We made it home to Adam . I never wanted to see the inside of an airport or airplane again . But I got over it . A while ago Adam was setting up a meeting in Phoenix . One of his coworkers was on vacation with his family in Mexico . He said he 'd come back early for the meeting . Adam said , " Your wife will fly home alone with your baby ? " Adam joked that because of affirmative action , he was the White Mormon Male With a Wife and Baby in his International Relations program at Yale . ( There was a White Mormon Male in the year ahead of him too . ) No one else had a spouse or children . For the first social activity , we went with his classmates to a pizza restaurant in downtown New Haven . Used to Pizza Hut type fare available in the West , we were sort of mystified by the choices . We opted for a broccoli pizza , just because . To would periodically throw the cup because he was bored and it was fun to watch me pick it back up . ( I am a devoted follower of the five - second rule . ) The man seated across the table from us was a wheeled Braeden over against the side of the gym . I found a chair to sit on and left Braeden in his stroller . There was barely room for the chair and stroller along the sidelines . Braeden was his usual amiable self . We could take that boy anywhere - - and did . Somewhere along the way , I pulled out a little container of Cheerios to feed Braeden . I had the container in one hand and I would take them one at a time and give them to him . At one point , a loose ball came flying our way , heading directly for Braeden . Instinctively , I raised my arm to block the ball from hitting my baby . Any mother in the world would have done the exact same thing . Except the hand I blocked the ball with was holding a little container of Cheerios . The impact shot Cheerios into an arc reminiscent of fireworks . Cheerios skittered across the gym floor , halting the game until I could pick them all up . We decided Adam would go to graduate school at Yale . When some of our friends found out we were going there , they said things like , " I didn 't know Adam was smart ! " That always made me laugh . He 's a chameleon that one . That week in Nevada was the first time I 'd spent the night without Adam since we 'd been married . Moving to Connecticut would be the first time I ever lived more than 4 hours away from my parents and the first time I would ever be on the East coast . It was the first time I flew alone with a baby . It was scary . Marianne wasn 't there in time to say good - bye before we got on the plane . This was before September 11 , of course . Braeden and I boarded the plane and were getting settled in when a flight attendant brought a very distraught Marianne onto the plane . She had convinced them to let her on to say good - bye . Then Marianne got off the plane and Braeden and I were off on our adventure to be reunited with our Adam who , believe it or not , is smart . The flights were fairly uneventful - - we had several . We were flying Southwest airlines on free passes from my aunt that worked for Southwest and there were no direct flights . Even then , Braeden was a very pleasant traveler . We traveled on the same day Princess Diana died . It was on every TV in every airport . We met Adam in the airport in Providence airport and I felt like a stranger in a strange land . Everything about our new home was foreign . The butter was even shaped differently . And the cheddar cheese was white . There were no mountains for navigating . And we didn 't know a soul . One of my favorite stories from our first days in New Haven happened at a K - mart . Adam and I were perusing the aisles looking for supplies for our new apartment . A man stopped us and asked us if his wife could look at Braeden . She was pregnant and they 'd been observing our little bald headed prince and wanted to investigate closer . He said neither of them had ever been around babies before . That began our career as being almost celebrities in Connecticut because we had babies . We were stopped many times because people wanted to see our babies . They were just sort of rare around there . I asked if I could write a check . The bored store clerk said yes . It was the fastest check I 've ever written . I wanted to hurry and get out of there before it occurred to her that maybe she shouldn 't take my check . We were shopping at Shopko in Provo . Adam doesn 't like lines . He always wanders off when it 's the purchasing portion of the shopping trip . I used to think that he was just being sweet and taking our kids on a walk or to the car so they wouldn 't get impatient in the line . Later I realized Adam was the impatient one . There was some sort of announcement made that Adam recognized as code for a shoplifter . ( In high school Adam worked in grocery stores . ) Adam saw a guy flee the store with some stolen shoes . So Adam followed him . The reason I think maybe Braeden was there is because this whole incident made me mad . I told Adam it was not smart to tackle random shoplifters who may or may not be armed . I remember being indignant on behalf of Braeden who presumably could have been left fatherless over a pair of shoes . Despite my disapproval of Adam 's actions , I do sort of like this story . It illustrates a key part of his personality , something he inherited from both of his parents . When he sees a need , he jumps in to help . Even if it means tackling someone . It must be pretty obvious that I don 't mind sharing stories with the world on my blog . I don 't . This one is harder for me to write though . It 's about postpartum depression . I don 't even really want to write about it because sixteen plus years later , I still remember its awfulness . I do want to record it though . I want Emma to know . I want my boys to know , in case . I want my wonderful nieces and nephews who I love to know . This is real . It 's OK . We can talk about it . When I was pregnant with Braeden , Olivia read an article about postpartum depression . She told me that she worried I would have it . I told her I wouldn 't . I said , " Even if I do , what 's the worst that can happen ? I 'll cry . " And I 'd just had a baby . He was an incredibly cute baby who I loved intensely . He also wanted to nurse every 15 minutes - - at least . My mom was staying with me the first few days . She said she 'd never seen anything like it and she 'd had six babies of her own . So I didn 't sleep nearly enough or have any semblance of a routine . Also , Adam had graduated from BYU with his undergraduate degree , was trying to decide which graduate school to go to , working unreliable hours at his temp job and we had money worries . I cried a lot . Way more than I 'd cavalierly told Olivia I would cry . None of the regular tools I had for helping myself feel better worked - - praying , writing , reading my scriptures , talking to Adam , talking to my parents , talking to Marianne ( Olivia was serving her mission to Poland then ) . Try as I might , I couldn 't just get over it - - which is what it seemed like I should be able to do . I felt panic every day when Adam went to work . I wanted to scream out after him , " Don 't leave me here ! " I was constantly worried about Braeden . I had a recurring dream that he drowned . It was such a dark time that it makes me sad now to even remember . I didn 't know that I had postpartum depression . I thought I was just a really terrible mother . Adam didn 't know what to make of it all either . On maybe the very worst day I overheard him ( in our tiny apartment ) talking on the phone to his mom . He was pouring out his worry to her about me . I felt humiliated . My whole life I had wanted to become a mother and now that it had happened , I was the world 's worst mother . Taking Braeden anywhere completely overwhelmed me . Staying home with Braeden completely overwhelmed me . Below is a picture taken when Braeden was less than a month old . I am sitting between my mom and grandma . . . a good place to be . Maybe I 'm just projecting how I remember feeling but I look pale and shell shocked . A few months after Braeden was born , I had surgery . I was terrified that I wouldn 't be able to take care of him after but I did OK . That was one less worry looming over me and I felt slightly better . We decided which graduate school to attend and that was one less worry . Adam got a temp job that was more like a permanent job and we felt more stable . One memorable day I talked to Marianne on the phone and she mentioned that she had made banana bread . Clarissa had been born 9 months before Braeden . It was inconceivable that I would be able to do anything as complex as make banana bread but it was a lifeline . Maybe in 9 months time , I would be able to make banana bread too ! It was the first time that I thought maybe things would change for the better . Gradually my mental state improved . There was a day when we were going over to Marianne and Robert 's house for Sunday dinner and I loaded up the diaper bag and Braeden and I thought , " I can do this ! " Slowly but surely I recovered . I felt a gathering of competence in my mothering . I started to not just survive it but enjoy it . I remember the day I taught Braeden to grab his rattle . I remember sitting on the front porch when it was almost time for Adam to come home . I would talk to Braeden about every color of car that drove past . He would look at me wisely with his chocolate eyes and I knew that here was my place in the world , what I was meant to do . When I was pregnant with Emma a few years later , I talked to my doctor before she was born . I told her that I 'd had postpartum depression before and I wondered what I should do . She gave me a list of doctors that I could consult in case I needed them . It turned out that I didn 't need them . Having a newborn is never a picnic , it 's hard exhausting work . I was different though . I was OK . I think it was empowering to have that list of mental health doctors I could call if I needed them . I didn 't realize until I was well again how dark I had felt and I was never going to go there again without a fight . Yesterday Adam told me I should have put a link to the new writing blog . I 'll try again . There 's a bit I wrote there today . http : / / 6chickswriting . weebly . com / One day when Adam and I were sitting in our tiny little basement apartment , one of us noticed something unusual in the corner , over by the little closet that housed the water heater . Upon closer inspection , it was a mushroom . It was growing out of our carpet ! The water heater leaked and the mud brown carpet near it was wet . ( Obviously we didn 't go in that corner often . ) Good news though ! We were getting new carpet . It was a pretty Berber . Adam took the opportunity to give the walls a fresh coat of paint before the new carpet was installed . ( Looking back , it surprises me I didn 't help him . I 'd grown up in a log house and didn 't know anything about painting walls . Now I 'm the one that paints . Weird . ) Here 's a before shot of the carpet . One Saturday while Adam was watching a football game , I painted a picture on our middle school cast off table . Adam thought it was weird . ( If I could go back in time , I would say , " Get used to it , " to that fresh faced young husband of mine . ) Also , I was pregnant with Braeden and sick . Miserably sick . You know those people that are hardly phased by pregnancy ? I was not one of them . I threw up multiple times every day . I was a lot of fun to be around . When I was just coming out of the worst of it , we went on a camping trip on the Oregon coast with Adam 's family . My hunger had returned with a vengeance . When Geri offered me whatever I wanted in the cooler to eat , I took her up on it . I felt great . It was lovely to be hungry again . I felt more energy . Life was lovely ! Then when we were driving back to Provo , I started thinking about our apartment . I started feeling sick . Adam thought I was crazy . ( If I could go back in time , I would say , " Get used to it , " to that fresh faced young husband of mine . ) That year at the American Heritage Christmas party , some of the motherly teachers were talking to Adam and me about their pregnancies . One of the teachers confessed that when she was pregnant , the color mustard made her violently ill . Then Adam realized I wasn 't crazy , or maybe he just realized I wasn 't the only one . After Adam and I got married , I was a school teacher while he finished his undergraduate degree . I taught at American Heritage School , a private school in Pleasant Grove , Utah . It is fancier now than it was then , but I loved and adored teaching at that school . I loved and adored my principal and my charming class of third graders . ( What was less lovable was my salary . . . there wasn 't enough of it to love . ) Adam and I were poor and happy in our tiny basement apartment with a table and wobbly chairs that were cast off from a middle school that my mom 's cousin Larry knew about . We had a cheap bed and two circa 1960s chairs we were borrowing from my grandma 's basement and that was it . The other teachers at American Heritage were all about the age of my mother and they were motherly towards me . ( When I was pregnant with Braeden someone told me daily how adorable I was . I wasn 't adorable but they were very kind . ) Most of them taught as more of a hobby and didn 't really need the money . We had a fall carnival for school . Corndogs were served . There 's something about corndogs and me . They are the most repulsive food I can imagine . I can 't stand the sight of them or the smell of them , forget the taste of them . I would have to be really , really hungry before a corndog passed my lips . The sweet and motherly teachers I worked with were of course aware of our impoverished state . After the carnival , they offered us a plate of leftover corndogs . Adam accepted ! ( Was he trying to kill me ? ) We climbed in our little Saturn and since there was no way I was touching the plate , Adam put it in a little indentation on the dashboard . As he turned a corner , the plate came sliding toward me . ( Adam delights in this story . ) I shrieked and batted the corndogs away from me . They were coming right at me ! Again , was he trying to kill me ? The corndogs flew the other direction across the car . They smeared a nasty greasy trail across the windshield . I 'm not sure if Adam was able to salvage any of them . I don 't know who took this picture - - because I 'm in it - - but it makes me laugh . I am sitting calmly at my desk and meanwhile there is all this bedlam going on . Maybe Adam had visited the classroom ? They all loved Adam . They called him Adam and me Mrs . Davis . As I recall , it was the Sunday afternoon of March 5 , 1995 : the single most nerve - racking day of my life . Thelma will tell you that I 've never been more nervous than on the morning of our wedding . That day doesn 't come close . My cold , shaky hands then - - the subject of another story , perhaps - - don 't begin to rival the feelings that overwhelmed me that Sunday afternoon when I called Mark to ask for Thelma 's hand in marriage . Mark can be intimidating . It 's not his stature or the knife sheathed on his belt . It 's the unruffled expression on his face masked by the mustache and occasional hat brim . To the untrained eye , his face reveals nothing of what he might be thinking or feeling . During my first visit as his daughter 's nervous , upstart boyfriend , it wasn 't hard to look at him from across the length of the dining table and imagine that his equable countenance was mere facade for any number of inner disappointments with her choice . " Did he just look at me ? Am I laughing too loud ? Am I talking too much ? Is that gun over the mantle loaded ? How far to the highway ? " As I contemplated calling Mark that March afternoon in Provo , I had very little idea what to expect . I was only convinced of a single thing based on my prior observations . Mark would not answer the phone . that was the one sure bet . I had seen him unflappably go about eating lunch or dinner next to the ringing phone while Coralee or one of the children rushed to answer the call . Whatever nerves were afflicting me , I could work them out with a little small talk when someone else picked up the other end of the line . It could have been anyone , really . I was prepared ahead of time with talking points . I knelt down next to my bed , prayed for courage and picked up the phone . I dialed . I waited . I waited . Mark answered . What a dope ! " Hi , this is Adam . " It was too casual , too cavalier ! By the time I realized how it sounded , my ill - timed attempt at a correction made it worse . My mind checked out of my body entirely . On one end of the line I could almost make out my own words stumbling over each other . At the other end of the line I imagined Mark with an astonished look in his eyes and a desperate hope that I wouldn 't be operating heavy machinery or handling sharp objects near his daughter . A long pause finally made me aware that I had stopped talking . I don 't remember a lot of what was said after that . It was if someone had released a circle of rabid flying squirrels in my mind . Somehow I came to know that Mark approved - - or was at least acquiescent - - to the idea of my marrying Thelma . I managed to get something out about him making the wedding ring , probably made a bad joke , hung up the phone and collapsed to the floor . It all seems so silly now looking back on it . What did I have to be afraid of ? Mark is kind . He 's tolerant . He is a great conversationalist when he 's inclined . . . Whatever he says , it will be interesting and worth the while . I 'm glad you asked too , Adam . Here 's our engagement picture . Were we really that young ? Braeden asked if it was taken on a set . It was taken at an office building campus in south Provo . Posted by I collect quotes and dessert recipes . I am easily entertained but no good at telling jokes . I love to read and write and teach and rearrange furniture and go out to dinner . I 'm glad you 're here . |
" I met your father in school , about the same time you met Simon . Everyone should have a friend like that in their lives . But he wasn 't that friend to me - Luke was . We were always together . In fact , at first , I hated Valentine , because he took Luke away from me . Valentine was the most popular student at school . He was everything you 'd expect of a natural leader - handsome , brilliant , with the sort of charisma that led the younger students to worship him . He was kind enough , but there was something about him even then that I found frightening - he glittered , but with a sort of cold brilliance , like a diamond . And like a diamond , he had a sharp and cutting edge . When he was seventeen , his father was killed in a raid on a lycanthrope pack . It wasn 't a standard raid - the pack had done nothing to break the Law , but I didn 't find that out until years later . None of did . What we did know was that Valentine returned to school utterly changed . You could see his sharp edges all the time now , the danger in him . And he began to recruit . He drew other students to him , like moths to light - and like moths , their yearning for him would prove the ruin of many of them in the end . He brought Hodge to him , and Maryse and Robert Lightwood - the Penhallows , the Waylands . They came and clustered around him and did his bidding . He approached me many times , but I stood apart from it all , watching , suspicious . And then he came for Luke . . . I know Luke often wondered why Valentine wanted him in the Circle . He wasn 't much of a warrior at the time , not a born fighter . I never told him this , but I sometimes thought that Valentine saw him as a means to an end . A means to me . . . Valentine was someone who always knew what he wanted . And he wanted me . I never knew why . The first time I noticed him watching me across the practice yard , I knew . The look on his face - it wasn 't wistful , or yearning , it was calculating and sure . The look of someone who runs their eyes over a menu and knows exactly what they want to order . His cold desire frightened me . But when he drew Luke to him , and Luke spoke so rapturously of his brilliance and his kindness , I knew I could no longer stand apart . I had to join the Circle , to see what it was that had drawn my friend into it . In some ways , Valentine - your father - was exactly as Luke had described him . The Circle would meet each night , often in the deserted practice yard or out in the forest , under the trees , and Valentine would hold forth on his pet topics : demons , Downworlders , and what he called the perverting of the laws of the Clave . As far as he was concerned , the Angel had never wanted us to live in peace with Downworlders , but to wipe them off the face of the planet along with demons . The Accords were a travesty ; we had never been meant to live in harmony with " half - men . " His words were fiery , but his demeanor was - kind . He had a way of making you feel as if you were the only person on earth who mattered to him , the only one whose opinion he truly respected . His beliefs were absolute and so was his dedication to the Circle . I 've come to see it as evil fanaticism since , but at the time his conviction fascinated me . He seemed to be full of passion . I could see what Luke saw in him . Soon enough , I was half in love with him myself . But so were all the girls in the Circle and probably some of the boys , too . You don 't belong to something like that - a cult of personality - without being a little in love with your leader . Valentine started asking me to stay after the meetings , just to talk with him . He said he valued my practical mind and dispassionate intelligence . I could tell the other girls were jealous . I 'm sure they thought - well , you can imagine what they thought . But nothing was happening between us . Valentine really did just want to talk - about the future , about the Law , about the Circle and where it was going . In the end , I was the one who gave up and kissed him first . " ' I knew it , ' was the first thing he said , and then he said , ' I 've always loved you , Jocelyn . ' And you know , he meant it . We stayed out all night in the woods then , talking . He told me how he envisioned we would lead the Circle together , forever . He told me he couldn 't do it without me . He said , ' I always knew you 'd come to love me as well , I had no doubt . ' " I had no idea why it was me that he chose . It seemed to me that there was nothing special about me . But Valentine made his choice clear : from that moment on , we were together , and he never looked at another woman , not that way , not then and not in all the years we were married . The other girls stopped speaking to me , but it seemed a small price to pay . Luke - Luke was happy for me . I was a little surprised at that , I had wondered - but he was happy . I could tell . " There was a girl in our class who wanted to join the Circle . Her older brother had been bitten by a vampire , and now was one : he should have killed himself , or let his family kill him , but he hadn 't and it was rumored that they still associated with him . Valentine gave her a sharpened metal spike and told her to go out and stake her brother to death and to bring back his ashes ; only then could she be allowed in the Circle . The girl ran off crying . I confronted him later , told him he couldn 't be so cruel or he 'd be no better than Downworlders themselves . ' But he 's a monster , ' he said . I told him that her brother might well be a monster , but she wasn 't . She was Nephilim , and there was no excuse for torturing her . I thought I was being so broad - minded and tolerant - it sickens me to think about it now . " I thought he would be angry at being reprimanded , but he wasn 't . He subsided . ' I 'm afraid of losing myself in all this sometimes , Jocelyn , ' he said . ' It 's why I need you . You keep me human . ' It was the truth . I could always turn him away from the most extreme plans , deflect his rage , calm him down . No one else could do that . I knew I had this power over him and it made me feel important , indispensable . I think I mistook that feeling for love . . . After we left school , we were married in the Hall of Accords , with all our friends there . Even then , I had misgivings . I looked up during the ceremony and saw through the glass roof , a flock of birds flying overhead . I felt a sudden panic , so strong that my heart fluttered in my chest like the wings of one of those birds . I knew my life would never be the same . I tried to catch Luke 's eye - he stood with his sister , in the first row of guests , and though Amatis smiled in my direction , Luke wouldn 't look at me . . . We went to live in a manor in the countryside outside Alicante that my parents owned , though since they 'd grown older they 'd moved to a canal house inside the city . Valentine himself had grown up in a house just at the borders of Brocelind forest , but he claimed it had fallen into disrepair since his parents ' deaths , and I was happy enough to live in the manor house . We were only a quarter of a mile from the home of our friends the Waylands - convenient for Valentine , since Michael Wayland was one of the most enthusiastic members of the Circle , and visiting the Waylands kept us from being too much with each other at all times . They say men change after marriage . Whether Valentine changed or whether I simply began to more clearly see his true nature , I 'm not sure . He became more and more obsessed with his cause and more and more vicious in its execution . He maintained the fiction that he never killed a Downworlder who hadn 't broken the Accords , but I knew that wasn 't true . One night he led the Circle to slaughter a family of werewolves in their home , claiming that they had been murdering human children and burning their bodies , and indeed in the fireplace we found many charred bones . Later I overheard Valentine chuckling to Hodge that it was easy enough to obtain human bones in the Bone City , if one cared to look for them . He began to disappear from our bed late at night , doing his best not to wake me ; he would come back at dawn , stinking of blood and worse . I found bloody clothes in the laundry , strange wounds and scratches on his hands and arms . I would be awoken at night by cries and screams that seemed to be coming from inside the walls of the house . I confronted him with these things , demanded that he tell me what he was really doing every night . But he just laughed . ' You 're imagining things , Jocelyn , ' he said . ' It 's probably because of the baby . ' I stared at him . ' Because of the baby ? What baby ? ' He was right , of course . I was pregnant . He 'd known it before I did . I tried to quash my fears , told myself that he was only trying to protect me . Circle meetings were no place for a pregnant woman , he said , so I remained at home . I was so lonely - I begged Luke to visit me , but he rarely had the time . The Circle and its dealings kept him busy . But how could I complain ? Valentine was an extraordinarily attentive husband , never letting me lift a hand myself , bringing me strengthening drinks he 'd mixed himself , and strong , sweet tea every night that put me right to sleep . And if sometimes I woke up with odd injuries or bruises , well , Valentine told me it was because I had been sleepwalking - a common ailment among pregnant women , he assured me . And then one night I was awoken by a terrific banging on the door . I raced downstairs and found Valentine standing on the front steps , holding - he was holding Luke , carrying him like a child , and blood was all over both of them . Valentine was swaying on his feet with exhaustion . ' Werewolf attack , ' he said . ' It might be too late - ' " But I wouldn 't hear that it was too late . I helped him drag Luke upstairs to a spare room , and sent a message to Ragnor Fell , the warlock my parents often employed in the case of illness . Lycanthrope bites don 't respond to healing runes - there 's too much demonic about them . Luke was screaming and thrashing and soaking the sheets with blood ; I kept sponging the blood off his shoulder , but more would come , and then more . Valentine stood beside him , looking down . ' Maybe I should have left him to die , ' he said , his black eyes burning , ' maybe that would be more merciful than what 's coming to him . ' " ' Don 't say that , ' I told him . ' Don 't ever say that . Not all bites result in lycanthropy . ' " And then Fell was there , and Valentine left aside his talk of abandoning Luke and stood aside while we treated him . I slept in Luke 's room that night , and in the morning he was awake and healthy and able to smile . " Not that any of us did much smiling in the next three weeks . They 'll tell you there 's a one in two chance that a werewolf bite will pass on lycanthropy . I think it 's more like three in four . I 've rarely seen anyone escape the disease , and however much I silently prayed in those horrible weeks , Luke was no exception . At the next full moon , he Changed . He was there on our doorstep in the morning , covered in blood , his clothes torn to rags . I put my arms out for him , but Valentine shouldered me aside . ' Jocelyn , ' he said , ' the baby . ' As if Luke were about to run at me and tear the baby out of my stomach , as if he meant me any harm at all . It was Luke , but Valentine pushed me away and dragged Luke down the steps and into the woods . " I gave him a knife and told him to do what he must . If he has honor , he 'll do as I said . ' I knew what he meant . He had told Luke to kill himself , and Luke would almost assuredly do it . I think I must have fainted . I remember a terrible icy darkness , and then waking up in my own bed , with Valentine beside me . He was stroking his hair . ' Don 't mourn for him now , ' he said , ' we should have mourned him weeks ago , when he truly died . What was on our doorstep this morning , that was not Lucian . ' " But I didn 't believe him . I had seen Luke 's eyes as he looked at me that morning , even out of that mask of blood . I would have known those eyes anywhere , and they didn 't belong to a monster . I knew then , with a terrible certainty , that in losing Luke I had lost the most important thing in my life . A terrible misery descended on me . If it hadn 't been for the sake of the baby , I don 't think I would have eaten or slept again in those next , terrible months . My only hope was the chance that Luke hadn 't taken his own life , but had simply fled . I went to Amatis in hopes that she would help me search for him , but she had her own torments to contend with . Valentine had taken Stephen on as his new lieutenant in Luke 's place , but could not tolerate Stephen 's marriage to Amatis . He claimed it was because she had objected to his treatment of her brother , but I felt it was because seeing Amatis awakened his guilt over Luke . In either case , he convinced Stephen to divorce her and remarry a beautiful young girl named CΓ©line . Amatis was devastated , so much so that she refused to see me , blaming me along with Valentine for her unhappiness . And so I lost yet another friend . In despair , I went to Ragnor Fell and begged him to look out for news of Luke among Downworlders . He was silent a long time after I asked him . Finally he said , ' There are those who would look very badly upon me for helping you . ' ' That was when you were Jocelyn Fairchild . Now you are Jocelyn Morgenstern , Valentine 's wife . ' He said Valentine 's name as if it were poison . ' That is not true , ' said Fell , ' and he does worse things than kill . If I do this for you , if I look for Lucian Graymark , you must do something for me . One night , you must follow your husband and see where he goes . ' " And so I did . One night , I only pretended to drink the tea he brought me , and pretended to fall asleep by his side . When he rose and left the room , I followed him . I saw him go into the library and take a book from the wall , and when he removed it the wall slid away and left a dark hole behind . . . I never told you the story of Bluebeard 's wife , did I , when you were a little girl ? I doubt I would have ; the story still frightens me . The husband who told his wife never to look in the locked room , and she looked , and found the remains of all of the wives he had murdered before her , displayed like butterflies in a glass case . I was afraid - but I had promised Fell . I had to find out what Valentine was doing . One night I waited for him to leave the house , and I went to the library and withdrew the book from its place . " I used my witchlight to guide me down into the darkness . The smell - oh , the smell down there , like blood and death and rotting . He had hollowed out a place under the ground , in what had once been the wine cellars . There were cells down there now , with things imprisoned in them . Demon - creatures , bound with electrum chains , writhed and flopped and gurgled in their cells , but there was more , much more - the bodies of Downworlders , in different stages of death and dying . There were werewolves , their bodies half - dissolved by silver powder . Vampires held head - down in holy water until their skin peeled off the bones . Faeries whose skin had been pierced with cold iron . Even now , I don 't think of him as a torturer . Not really . It wasn 't that he enjoyed their pain . He seemed to be pursuing an almost scientific end . There were ledgers of notes by each cell door , meticulous recordings of his experiments , how long it had taken each creature to die . From his scribblings , it looked almost as if he were injecting the blood of demons into these creatures - but he couldn 't be doing that . What sane person would do that ? There was one vampire whose skin he had burned off over and over again to see if there was a point beyond which the poor creature could no longer regenerate . Across from the page recording that particular experiment he had written a series of notes with a heading I recognized . It was my name . Jocelyn . My heart began to slam inside my chest . With shaking fingers , I turned the pages , the words burning themselves into my brain . Jocelyn drank the mixture again tonight . No visible changes in her , but again it is the child which concerns me . . . With regular infusions of demonic ichor such as I have been giving her , the child may be capable of any feats . . . . Last night I heard the child 's heart beat , more strongly than any human heart , the sound like a mighty bell , tolling the beginning of a new generation of Shadowhunters , the blood of angels and demons mixed to produce powers beyond any previously imagined possible . . . no longer will the power of Downworlders be the greatest on this earth . . . There was more , much more . I clawed at the pages , my fingers trembling , my mind racing back , seeing the mixtures Valentine had given me to drink each night , the bruises on my body in the morning , the puncture wounds . I shook all over , so hard the book fell out of my hands and struck the floor . The sound woke me from my daze . I raced up the stairs , through the gap in the bookcase , and into the bedroom . In a frenzy , I began packing my things , throwing only that which was most important to me into a bag . I had some vague plan of running to my parents ' house , you see , and begging them to let me stay with them . But I never got that far . I closed the bag , turned toward the door - and there was Valentine , watching me silently from the doorway . My nerves , already on edge , snapped like broken strings . I screamed and dropped the bag to the ground , backing away from my husband . He didn 't move , but I saw his eyes shine like a cat 's in the early dawn light . " What is the meaning of this Jocelyn ? " I couldn 't lie . " I discovered your door in the bookcase , " I told him . " And I found what was under it . Your butcher 's theater . " " And what am I ? Am I a monster ? " I screamed at him . " What have you done to me ? What have you done to our baby ? " " Nothing that will harm him . I assure you he 's quite healthy . " Valentine 's face was like a still white mask . How had I never before seen how monstrous he could look ? And still his voice never rose , never changed as he told me of his experiments , of the ways he 'd tried to teach himself to more effectively destroy Downworlders , to wipe them out in mass numbers . He 'd even tried injecting them with demon blood - but to his surprise , it hadn 't had the desired effect . Instead of proving fatal , it had made them stronger , faster , and more able to withstand the damage he tried to do to them . " If it has that effect on half - men , " he said , his face shining , " think what it could do for Shadowhunters . " " I experimented on myself first , " he said calmly , and told me how he had injected demon blood into his own veins . " It 's made me stronger , faster , " he announced , " but I 'm a grown man - think what it will do for an infant ! The warrior who might develop from that - " " You 're insane , " I told him , trembling . " All this time I thought I was keeping you human , but you 're not human . You 're a monster - worse than any of those pathetic things down in the cellar . " He was a monster - I knew it - and yet , somehow , he managed to look deeply hurt at what I 'd said . He reached for me . I tried to dash around him and out the door but he caught at my arm . I stumbled and fell , striking the ground hard . As I tried to rise , a searing pain shot through me . Feeling my clothes sticking to me , wet and heavy , I looked down at saw that I was lying in a spreading circle of my own blood . I began to scream even as consciousness slipped away from me . I awoke in my own bed , dazed and desperately thirsty . " Jocelyn , Jocelyn , " said a voice in my ear . It was my mother . She stroked my hair back off my forehead and gave me water . " We were so worried , " she said . " Valentine called for us - " I glanced down then , and saw my flat stomach . " My baby , " I whispered , tears burning the backs of my eyes . " He - died ? " " Oh , Jocelyn ! No ! " My mother sprang to her feet and hurried over to something in the corner . A cradle - my cradle , the same one I 'd lain in after I was born . She lifted a blanket - wrapped bundle from it and came carefully over to me , cradling her burden in her arms . " Here , " she said , smiling . " Hold your son . " I took him from her in a daze . At first I knew only that he fit perfectly into my arms , that the blanket wrapping him was soft , and that he was so small and delicate , with just a wisp of fair hair on the top of his head . I began to breathe again - and then he opened his eyes . They say every mother knows her own child instinctively . I suppose the opposite is true as well . Every nerve in my body was screaming that this was not my baby , that something horrible and unnatural and inhuman lay in my arms like a parasite . How could my mother not see it ? - and yet she was smiling at me as if nothing was wrong . " He 's such a good baby , " she said . " He never cries . " " His name is Jonathan , " said a voice from the doorway . I looked up and saw Valentine regarding the tableau before him with a nearly impassive expression , though the faint smirk on his face told me he knew there was something dreadfully wrong with this child . " Jonathan Christopher . " The baby opened his eyes , as if recognizing the sound of his own name . His eyes were black , black as night , fathomless as tunnels dug into his skull . I could look right into them and see only a terrible emptiness . When I woke much later , my mother was gone . Valentine had sent her home - I 've no idea how he got her to leave - and he himself was sitting on the edge of the bed , holding the baby and watching me . Your father 's eyes were black , too , and I 'd always found them striking , so at odds with his nearly - white hair , but now they only reminded me of the baby 's . I shrank back from both of them . " He is your child . Your blood , your flesh . And if you don 't feed him , Jocelyn , he 'll die . " He laid the child down on the blankets beside me and left the room . I stared at the small creature for a long time . He looked like a baby - his small fists and creased , tiny face , even the white fuzz on his head , were all babylike . His tunnel eyes were closed , his mouth open in a silent , mewling cry . I tried to imagine simply leaving him there , leaving him until he starved to death , and my heart seemed to turn to glass inside my chest . I couldn 't do it . I lifted Jonathan in my arms . Even as I touched him , the same wave of revulsion and horror went through me that I had felt before , but this time I fought it down . I drew my nightdress aside and prepared to feed my son . Perhaps there was something in this child , some small part of me , of what was human , that could somehow be reached . Over the next months , I cared for Jonathan as best I could . My own body seemed to revolt against him . I produced no milk and had to feed him by bottle . I could only hold him for short periods of time before I began to feel faint and sick , as if I were standing too close to something radioactive . My mother came and cared for him sometimes , which was an immense relief . She seemed to notice nothing wrong with the child , though sometimes I would catch her staring toward his crib with a quizzical look , an unasked question in her eyes . . . But who could ask such things ? Who could even bear to think them ? Jonathan looked like a perfectly ordinary child ; when I brought him to his first Circle meeting , carried in my arms , everyone told me how beautiful he was , with his extraordinary coloring , just like his father 's . Michael Wayland was there too , with his baby boy , just the same age as mine . They even shared a name : Jonathan . I watched Michael play with his son and felt sick with envy and hatred for Valentine . How could he have done what he had done ? What kind of man did something like that to his own family ? " By the Angel , what he 'll be capable of when he 's older , " he would breathe sometimes , leaning over Jonathan in his cradle , and the baby would gurgle . It was almost the only time Jonathan made any noise . He was a silent child , who never cried or laughed , but if he responded to anything , it was Valentine . Perhaps it was the demon in them both . It was around that time that I received a message in secret from Ragnor Fell . It asked me to meet him at his cottage . I rode there on a day when Valentine was at the home of Stephen Herondale , leaving Jonathan with my mother . Fell met me at the gate . " Lucian Graymark is alive , " he said , without preamble , and I almost fell off my horse . I begged Fell to tell me what he knew . He only looked at me coldly . " And what of what you know , Jocelyn Morgenstern ? Did you do as I asked you and follow your husband one night ? " " He 's alive , " Fell said , " and the leader of a wolf pack at the eastern edge of Brocelynde . " As I listened incredulously , he told me how Luke had defeated the old wolf who had bitten him , slain him in battle and become pack leader himself . " The tale is all over Downworld , " he said . " The pack leader who used to be a Shadowhunter . " Fell shook his head . " No . I 've done enough for you , Jocelyn . You say you hate Valentine , but still you do nothing . I 'll help you - I 'll bring you to Lucian - but only if you 're willing to commit to the cause of destroying Valentine and the Circle . Otherwise , I suggest you get on your horse and ride home . " " Valentine 's weakness is his arrogance , " said Fell . " And you are our best weapon because of it . You are as close to Valentine as anyone could be . You can infiltrate the Circle , gather information , find out his soft spots and weaknesses . Learn their plans . You can be the perfect spy . " And that was how I came to be a spy in my own house . I agreed to everything Fell asked - I would have agreed to anything just to be able to see Luke again . At the end of our meeting , I gave Fell my promise , and he gave me a map . When I rode into Luke 's werewolf encampment , I thought at first that I would certainly be killed . I was sure they recognized me as the wife of Valentine Morgenstern , their greatest enemy . " I must see your pack leader , " I said , as they surrounded my horse . " Lucian Graymark . He 's an old friend of mine . " And then Luke came out of one of the tents and ran toward me . He looked - he was still Luke , but he had changed . He seemed older . There was gray in his hair , though he was only twenty - two . He took me in his arms and embraced me and there was nothing strange about it , about being embraced by a werewolf . It was just Luke . He admitted that he hadn 't known how loyal I was to Valentine , or how much he could trust me . " But I know I can trust you now , " he said , with his old smile . " You came all the way here to find me . " I told him as much as I could , of Valentine 's growing madness and violence , of my disenchantment with him . I couldn 't tell him all of it , of the horrors in the cellars , of what Valentine had done to me and to our child . I knew it would just drive him mad , that he 'd be unable to stop himself from trying to hunt down Valentine and kill him , and he 'd only get himself killed in the process . And I couldn 't let anyone know what had been done to Jonathan . Despite everything , he was still my child . Luke and I agreed to keep meeting and to trade information about what was going on within the Circle . I told him when they allied themselves with demons , and when the Mortal Cup was stolen , and I told him of their plans to disrupt the planned Accords . Those times with Luke were the only times I could be myself . The rest of the time I was acting - acting the wife with Valentine , and acting the content Circle member with our friends . Not letting Valentine know how much he sickened me was the worst part . Fortunately I saw him rarely . As the Accords approached , the Circle ramped up its plans to fall upon the unarmed Downworlders in the Hall of the Angel and slaughter them wholesale . I sat silent in the meetings , unable to participate in the eager planning , however much I knew it would behoove me to act the part of an dedicated member of the cabal . CΓ©line Herondale , who was now extremely pregnant , often sat with me ; she was frequently wistful , confused by the Circle 's enthusiasm . Though she never quite understood their passionate hatred of Downworlders , she worshipped Valentine . " Your husband is so kind , " she would tell me in her soft voice . " He is so concerned about Stephen and me . He gives me potions and mixtures for the health of the baby , they are wonderful . " What she said chilled me . I wanted to tell her not to trust Valentine or to accept anything he gave her , but I couldn 't . Her husband was Valentine 's closest friend and she would surely have betrayed me to him . My terror of exposure grew daily - I was smuggling information to Luke as fast as I could , constantly panicked that a misstep would betray me to my husband . I saw him whenever I could . I kept with him a suitcase of my most precious belongings , in case we ever needed to flee Idris together - jewelry Valentine had given me , that I hoped one day to be able to sell if I needed money ; letters from my parents and friends ; a box my father had made for my son , with his initials carved on it , containing a lock of Jonathan 's hair - soft , silky white hair , the same color as his father 's . You 'd never know from looking at it that there was anything wrong with my child at all . . . I became more and more frightened that Valentine would discover our secret conspiracy and would try to torture the truth out of me - who was in our secret alliance ? How much had I betrayed of his plans ? I wondered how I would withstand torture , whether I could hold up against it . I was terribly afraid that I could not . I resolved finally to take steps to make sure that this never happened . I went to Fell with my fears and he created a potion for me that would send me instantly into a sleep from which I could not be roused except by an antidote whose recipe was contained in The Book of the White , one of the oldest spellbooks of warlock - kind . He gave me a vial of the potion and another vial of the antidote and instructed me to hide them from Valentine , which I did . I was even worried that Valentine would find a copy of the Book , so one night I went through the tunnels between our house and the Waylands ' , and hid it in their library . After that , I slept easier , save for one thing . I feared that I would take the potion , fall into the death - like sleep , and that there would be no one to wake me from it , no one who knew what had happened to me . I thought of the end of Romeo and Juliet and imagined being buried alive . . . but who was there who I could trust with this information ? I couldn 't tell Luke what I 'd done , because he might also be compromised and tortured , and selfishly , I feared too much for him , for his safety . Telling my parents would necessitate sharing with them the full horror of my situation , and I couldn 't do that . I trusted none of my old friends any more - not Maryse , not any of them . They were too much in Valentine 's thrall . Eventually , I realized there was only one person I could tell . I sent a letter to Madeleine explaining what I planned to do and the only way to revive me . I never heard a word back from her , though I knew my message had been delivered . I had to believe she had read it and understood . It was all I had to hold on to . It was around that time that Stephen Herondale was killed in a raid on a vampire nest . Valentine and the others who had been in the raiding party went to the Herondale 's home to break the news to Celine . She was eight months pregnant at the time . They said she took the news composedly , only saying she wanted to go upstairs and get her things before going to view the body . It was a tragedy that shook the Circle . I heard that Stephen 's parents , after the death of their son and the suicide of their daughter - in - law , had nearly lost their minds ; Stephen 's father died a month or two later , presumably of the shock . I pitied Celine , but in a way envied her . She had found a way out of her situation ; I had none . A few nights later I was woken by the sound of a baby crying . I sat bolt upright and nearly flung myself out of bed . Jonathan , you see , never cried - never made a noise . His unnatural silence was one of the things that most distressed me about him . I must be the only mother in history to have hoped against hope that her baby would cry and wake her , would cry all night even , but he never did . And yet now the sound of an infant 's cries echoed off the manor walls . I hurried down the hall to the baby 's room , carrying my witchlight . It cast strange shadows on the walls as I bent over Jonathan . He was sleeping silently . Yet the crying continued , thin and reedy , the sound of a child in distress tearing at my heart . I raced down the steps and into the empty library . I could still hear the crying , coming from inside the walls . I reached for the book in its place on the shelf . . . Nothing happened . The bookcase no longer slid back from its place . And still the crying came , as if from beneath the house , or within the walls , maddening me . But this manor house had been mine longer than it had been Valentine 's ; I had spent every summer here when I was a girl . If my husband didn 't think I 'd explored the place thoroughly in those years , he was wrong . I dragged back the Persian rug that covered the library floor . Beneath it was a trapdoor that opened so easily I knew it had been recently used . Tunnels under Shadowhunter houses are not uncommon ; they are used in case of demon attacks , as a way of getting from one house to another in secret . This tunnel had once connected our manor house to the Waylands ' , but my father had boarded the tunnel up . It had been opened out again now , doubtless by Valentine , and the narrow stone walls led away into darkness . I could still hear the sound of the baby crying in the distance . . . I followed the noise , barefoot on the cold stone , stopping occasionally with a gasp when a rat or mouse scuttled across my path . Eventually the tunnels opened out into a large stone room , what had probably once been a wine cellar . Huddled in the corner of the room was a man - but he was not a man , I saw , staring , for wings as white as snow rose from his back in two great ivory arches , and his skin glowed like liquid metal . His eyes were golden , and so sad . . . His ankles were manacled with electrum and electrum chains , driven into the stone floor , held him to the ground , but what truly imprisoned him was the circle of runes that surrounded him . I felt myself drift toward him , drawn by an impossibly strong force . As I approached I saw that stretched on a blanket at his feet was the baby I had heard crying . It was whimpering softly now - exhausted , probably - a tiny baby boy with golden hair and eyes shut fast . I sank to my knees , gathering the child in my arms , and as my arms went around him the strangest feeling passed through me - the opposite of what I had felt when I had first held Jonathan . A feeling of overwhelming peace . . . How long I held and rocked the child , I cannot say . At last I looked up and saw the angel - for I knew that was what he was - gazing down at us , his golden eyes impassive . As I met his gaze , I knew his name suddenly : Ithuriel . I told myself it had been a dream . The sort of vivid , hallucinatory dream a woman has when she is pregnant - and I was pregnant . I had denied it to myself for at least a month , but that morning when I woke I knew , and a visit to a doctor confirmed it . I was going to have a child - again . I was horrified . I knew what Valentine had done to my last child - what would he do to this one ? How long had he known I was pregnant ? I said nothing to him , but he would turn knowing eyes on me sometimes , his gaze going through me like a knife through water . He knew - oh , he knew . . . The day of the Uprising came . That terrible day . I know you 've heard about what happened from Luke : about the Accords , the ambush , the bloody and protracted battle that followed . I tried to mark out the Shadowhunters who weren 't involved in the Circle so that the members of the Uprising wouldn 't hurt them , but there was so much chaos - so much blood - many lives were lost , more than we had ever thought . And there at the end I faced Valentine with Luke at my side and saw the truth come clear in his eyes . I had wondered all along if he knew what I truly felt and what I 'd really been doing for this last year of our marriage - but I saw it now on his face - he hadn 't known . The pain in his eyes as he looked at me was real , and despite everything it struck at my heart . " And now the two of you have plotted my betrayal together , " he snarled , his face flecked with blood . " You will regret what you have done all the rest of your lives . " Luke lunged at him , but Valentine snatched the silver locket from my throat and hurled it at Luke , burning him badly . He staggered back as Valentine seized hold of me and dragged me toward the door . He was snarling horrible things in my ear , things about what he would do to my parents , to Jonathan , how he would make my life a hell for what I 'd done to him . I abandoned the battle , the wounded , all of it , and raced home . I was too late . Luke will have told you what we found - I remember it myself as if it were a dream . The high black sky overhead , the moon so bright I could see everything : the house turned to ashes by demon fire , hot enough to melt metal , which ran in among the ashes like rivers of molten silver across the bare face of the moon . I found the bones of my parents there , and the bones of my child , and then , at last , the bones of Valentine himself , the Circle pendant he always wore still looped around his fleshless throat . . . Luke took me out of the city that night . I was numb and silent , like the living dead . I kept seeing the faces of my parents over and over again - I should have warned them . I should have told them what Valentine was capable of . I should have told them of the plans for the Uprising . I never thought . . . And I dreamed sometimes of my baby . I saw his face even when awake , the empty tunnels of his gaze , and I felt again the revulsion and horror I 'd felt the first time I touched him . And I knew I was a monster , for feeling that way . What mother , on learning of the death of her child , cannot help a feeling of - relief ? In the flea market at Clignancourt , I sold Valentine 's Circle amulet , a revolting object which I hated looking at . It afforded me a great deal of money . With the money , I bought an airplane ticket to New York . I told Luke I was going to start my life over there - as a mundane . I wanted no shadow of Clave or Covenant ever to touch my life again , or the life of my child . I hated all things remotely associated with the Nephilim , I told him . This was only partly true . I was sick of the Clave , that was the truth , and I knew that as Valentine 's wife , now that he was a criminal , they would want me to come to them for questioning - that I would always be regarded with suspicion with the lawmakers of Idris . I did want to hide from them . But more than that , I wanted to hide from Valentine . I was sure he was still alive . I thought again and again of what he 'd said to me as he dragged me from the Hall , of the way he 'd promised to make the rest of my life a misery . They weren 't the words of a man who planned to burn himself up with demon fire , no matter how despairing he was over the failure of his plans . Valentine was not the sort of man who ever gave in to despair . Even with everything he 'd built destroyed , he would intend to rise again - the phoenix from the ashes . There was another thing I could not tell Luke . The night of the Uprising , before we had left for the city , I had taken the Mortal Cup from the hiding place where Valentine had put it , and hidden in among my belongings . I had thought of returning it to the Clave , but now - I couldn 't trust them to keep it out of Valentine 's hands , not when they were so eager to believe he was truly dead . I would have to be the one who hid it from him , and inexorably , without doubt , he would come for it , and for me . Luke begged me not to leave him . He said he would come with me - even when I told him I was expecting another child of Valentine 's , he said it made no difference , that he 'd raise the child as his own . But he 'd never seen Jonathan - I 'd never told him what Valentine had done to my son . How could I be sure that he hadn 't done something equally dreadful to the baby I was carrying now ? And how could I ask Luke to share that horror with me , or the danger of being pursued by Valentine , who hated him ? It was impossible . I refused him , over and over , even though I could see the pain it caused him . Even though I knew it meant I 'd likely never see him again , and the thought broke what was left of my heart . We parted at Orly Airport . I held on to him until the last call for the flight came and he gently pushed me toward the departure gate . It felt like I was tearing away some part of myself . At the last moment I turned and ran back to him and whispered in his ear - " Valentine is still alive . " I had to tell him . I couldn 't stop myself . I raced onto the plane without glancing back to see his reaction . I landed in New York in the early morning , the dawn sky like the inside of a pearl hanging over the city . As my taxi raced over the Williamsbug Bridge I glanced down and saw the water of the river below me , rippled here and there by the flicking tails of darting mermaids . Even here among these walls of glass and steel , this inhospitable city , the Invisible World was all around me . . . You know much of the rest . How I found a place to stay , found work doing the only thing I could do , here in the mundane world - paint . Not that there was much work for a painter . If it hadn 't been for the jewelry I could sell , I would have starved . I found an apartment in a building owned by a kindly old couple who let me stay in return for painting a portrait of their son , who had died overseas in the army . I told them my husband , too , was dead , and they felt sorry for me , I think , a young pregnant girl who had nobody in the world . . . Most other mothers in my situation would have been buying a cradle , buying baby toys and booties and blankets . I didn 't . I was terrified . Terrified what happened with my first child would happen again with my second . I remember the night I went into labor and was taken to the hospital - it was so unlike giving birth Alicante , with the sterile white walls and all the bleeping , terrifying machinery . I couldn 't stop crying , through it all and when you were born , and right up until the moment the nurse came into my hospital room and handed you to me , and I looked down into your face . A great wave of love and relief washed over me . Your red hair , your green eyes - you were my child , mine , there was nothing of your father in you , nor anything monstrous or demonic . I thought you were the most perfect thing that had ever come into the world . I still think it . The first time I took you to the park , you saw the faeries there among the flowers and went to play with them . The other mothers there looked at us in consternation as I picked you up and hurried you home . I had gone cold all over with terror . I could see what you saw , but nobody else could . How could I raise you to live like that - to lie to everyone you knew ? I had wanted to give you a normal life , but I hadn 't thought this far . And I had other fears as well - there were Shadowhunters here , Downworlders too , just as there were everywhere in the world . If word of you got out , it might perhaps get back to Valentine , and then he would come to find us . And I couldn 't let that happen . That 's why I hired Magnus Bane . I 'm not proud of what I did . I did it because I was frightened . I did it because I couldn 't imagine how else to protect you . I did it because I thought a life of oblivious happiness would be better than a life of danger and being hunted . And I did it , perhaps , because I wished I could forget , myself , everything in my past that still tortured me . It was Magnus who introduced me to Dorothea , and Dorothea who gave me the idea of hiding the Mortal Cup in a painting . I was holding you in my arms when I met her and you reached out and drew a tarot card from the stack she had on her table . I scolded you , but she only said , " Let 's see what card the child drew . " It was the Ace of Cups - the Love card . " She 'll have a great love in her life , " she predicted , but I was paying more attention to the image on the card . It looked just like the Mortal Cup . . . With the Cup safely hidden in the pack I 'd painted for Dorothea , and Dorothea herself hidden away in her Sanctuary , I felt calmer . Calm enough that when Luke turned up suddenly on our doorstep , looking as if he 'd been sleeping on the street for weeks , I didn 't immediately send him away . He had come so far , and I had missed him so much . I let him sleep on the couch , and in the morning he was still there , and you were sitting at his feet while he showed you some simple game with cards - a Shadowhunter game , something I hadn 't seen since I 'd left Idris . It was as if he 'd always been there with us , always belonged . I couldn 't ask him to go . . . Luke disapproved when I told him what I 'd had Magnus do to your memories , but it was the one issue on which I could never be budged . I reasoned that he didn 't know the whole truth , and that if he did , he would have agreed with me . I know now that I was wrong . Luke was always someone who believed in the truth , no matter how cruel or unsparing , and he would have wanted you to have it . At least you have it now - and if you hate me now , at least it will be because of the truth and not because of lies . And at least you know now that I have always loved you and you have always been the most important thing in the world to me . That night , when Valentine and his demons broke into our apartment , looking for the Cup , I barely had time to take the potion Ragnor Fell had given me before it was too late - but I did wait , just long enough that I could call you and tell you I loved you . Everything that ever happened to me in Idris , everything Valentine ever did to me , was worth it because I had you . There is one more thing I have to tell you . Magnus told me about Jace , and what happened to you at Renwick 's , and what your father told you there . I need to tell you now that he was lying . That what you believe to be true about yourself and your brother isn 't the truth . After I took the potion , Valentine tried everything to wake me , but nothing worked . When he brought me to Renwick 's I lay frozen , drifting in and out of consciousness . I couldn 't move or speak , but I was aware sometimes of people coming in and out of the room . Pangborn and Blackwell came to taunt me , though they never touched me . And sometimes Valentine would come and sit by the side of my bed and talk to me . He told me how he had thought when he married me that we would face the world together , united against the Clave and the Accords . He told me that when Jonathan was born , he realized he had lost me , that I would hate him forever for what he had done . But a true warrior is ready to sacrifice everything , even his wife . Even his family . So Valentine believed . He was a modern Crusader and everything he did was for the sake of his cause . Deus volt , he said . Because God wills it . After the birth of Jonathan , Valentine had suspected I would refuse to have any more children . And this was a pity , he felt , because he had envisioned our children as an army of superior Shadowhunters - made that way by him . He knew he couldn 't force me to have a child I didn 't want , though , so he turned his attentions to CΓ©line Herondale . She was young , dedicated , impressionable . When she became pregnant , he gave her mixtures to drink , as he had done to me , claiming they were potions made up by a warlock which would foster the health of her baby . She took the drugs , the powders , the potions he gave her , even let him inject her as if he were a doctor . She was utterly trusting . And then something happened which Valentine did not expect . In a raid on a vampire nest , Stephen was killed . And CΓ©line - impressionable , emotional , easily swayed CΓ©line - drank a flask of poison and died . The Herondales swooped in , burned Stephen 's body and buried CΓ©line in a mausoleum just outside the Bone City - no suicide can be buried inside its walls . You would think that would have been the end of that . But Valentine knew that what he had done had changed the child inside CΓ©line and he had to know how . So Valentine took Hodge and went to the Bone City himself , in the dead of night . He went into the Herondale 's mausoleum and broke open CΓ©line 's coffin . And then , using the sharp - edged blade of his kindjal , he cut her open and took the still - living baby from her dead body . Any other child would have died when its mother died . But Valentine had been giving CΓ©line regular doses of Ithuriel 's blood . The blood of Heaven , pure and concentrated , and due to its effect , by some miracle , the infant was still alive . He brought the child back to our house that night , the night that a baby 's crying woke me from sleep and I went down to find the angel bound in the Wayland 's wine cellar with the infant at its feet . By morning , Valentine had given the boy to Hodge with instructions to take him to Valentine 's own family home outside Brocelind , and to keep him healthy . Hodge as nursemaid ! - but he did it , and reported back to Valentine that the child seemed to thrive . The Uprising came only a few months later . I have told you already of that terrible night . After Valentine slaughtered Michael Wayland and his son and left their bodies to burn along with the bodies of my parents in the ruins of our house , he took our Jonathan and fled to the house outside Broceliand . For a year he hid himself away there , cloaked in layers of misdirecting glamours , and raised the two children together - his own son and his lieutenant 's , the part - demon child and the other which was part - angel . But while the part - angel child developed like an ordinary baby , his own son , the demon child , grew at an unnatural pace . By the time he was two years old he was the size of a six - year - old human child , and had the strength of an adult man . And he hated his adoptive small brother . Several times he tried to kill him and the infant was saved only by Valentine 's intervention . Eventually Valentine knew that something would have to be done . He was eager to return to a more active life , to a location closer to the Glass City . To a place where he could meet with his old followers , men like Pangborn and Blackwell - to a place where he was no longer quite so much in hiding . He took on Michael Wayland 's identity and returned with Stephen Herondale 's son to the Wayland family manor . Why didn 't he bring his own son with him , you might ask ? Because his son now looked like a six - year old , and Valentine knew there was no way the boy would be convincing , ever , as the Waylands ' child - and it was very important to him that later , the boy be able to convince those who had known Michael that this was his son . And so he took Stephen Herondale 's fair - haired small son to the Wayland manor , and lived also with his own in the run - down house outside Brocelind . The infant had a name now - Michael Wayland 's son 's name . Jonathan Wayland . As it was too confusing to be raising two children with the same first name , Valentine began to call the child by a nickname . The 10 installments for The Bane Chronicles will start as 10 seperate e - books . Later , a print version will be available in 2014 . Here is t . . . |
She complained of difficulty breathing and said that she couldn 't feel her left side from the midsection down . As evidence , she showed us her left thigh . Sure enough , there was a red , inflamed patch of flesh . It looked like the aftermath of a mosquito bite , except several times larger . We thought that a spider must have got her while she slept , but since nearly a week had already passed and we weren 't exactly rich , we decided against her seeing a doctor . We couldn 't afford paying a medical bill for something that would probably clear up in a few days . We were sure it would clear up , as it was only a little bug bite , after all . . . When we woke today , mother was crying . She said that the numbed sensation of her side had indeed gone , but it had only been replaced by a burning anguish . Her breath hitched and was obviously labored . We inspected her thigh and were startled to find that the large mosquito bite mark had erupted across her side . A single mark had turned into several sickly , inflamed mounds that peeled and erupted pus . She claimed it burned . We certainly believed her . My father told us he would drive her to the nearest neighborhood clinic . For my part , I departed for my day 's summer session classes . My mother 's frightening condition danced somewhere in the back of my mind for the rest of the day , but I didn 't dwell on it . Summer classes were coming to an end , final exams were a few days away , friends were planning a trip to the beach , and a small pain in my breaths nagged me . I hoped I wasn 't developing a cold . It was my father . He was in hysterics . Apparently , the doctor at the clinic had taken one look at my mother 's condition and urged her to head to an emergency room . So my father and mother had gone and waited , waited , and waited a little more . Finally , my mother was allowed to see a doctor . That 's where it all went downhill . He took one look at her and left the room . My father and mother were left in that room , confused , when nurses entered . Some drew blood from my heaving mother , others ushered my father out of the room , blowing aside his questions and asking him to wait in the waiting area . He did , but while he waited , he had time to see a dozen police officers rush into the hospital , past the waiting area , and into the direction of the room that held my mother . He told me this last part in a choking sob : he heard gun shots . That 's when I heard him scream . That made me jump in the car seat , my hands taught and white against the steering wheel and my eyes bulging . I realized I wasn 't breathing . On the other end of the line , I heard something clatter . It was probably the phone hitting the floor . Then there were arguing , yelling voices . Authoritarian voices . There was one weeping voice : my father . It was the only time I had ever heard him like that - blubbering something out . I 'll be honest . . . I was disgusted . I wasn 't used to such a weak father . I was used to the man of steel my old man had come to represent . I guess I was confused . I turned off the cell phone and continued the drive home . I was numb , confused , and disbelieving . I got home . . . only , by then , it wasn 't really home anymore . I found the block closed off . Police cars cordoned off the streets . People in bio - hazard suits were coming in and out of my house . In my befuddled state , I thought it looked kind of like something off of the movies REC or Quarantine . It seemed pretty funny , to be honest . It was really funny . . . until I saw them wheel out a body under a tarp and realized from the single exposed shoe that it was my younger brother . I drove until I was out of town , far out of town . I realized then that it might be stupid to keep on driving . Whatever was going on , I had escaped out of sheer luck . They tried to put up a net around us , but only I 'd escaped because of my college schedule . So , what is it ? I 've seen enough scary movies to guess . I 'm infected , but who the fuck knows with what . My lungs are slowly burning and there 's a strange bulge on my back . I haven 't checked it yet , but I 'd bet everything in my pockets ( which comes out to about twenty - five bucks ) that it 's a red mark - a red mark that resembles a large mosquito bite . What is it ? Am I going to die ? Well , it was serious enough that they offed my mom and dad , and even my bro to boot . Whatever I 've got , I figure it must be some serious shit . I wonder what it takes to infect others . . . a cough ? A touch ? A bite ? I walked until I could hitch a ride , then I walked some more . I stopped at a motel after dark and paid in cash . I tried to sleep , but I couldn 't . I just kept seeing my brother 's shoe sticking out from under that tarp . . . that shoe . . . So I opened my laptop and decided to type this out instead . They took everything from me . I 'm . . . going to die . They didn 't have to do what they did . They could have just told us we were a danger to others . They didn 't have to shoot my mother . . . my father . . . I 'm going to take as much as I can before I go . Tomorrow , I 'll spend my day shaking hands . I 'll go into convenience stores and touch the food - maybe cough in it . I 'll lick the public water fountains . I 'll do whatever it takes to bring you with me . So , tomorrow . . . please . Shake my hand . Deleted levels in video games have always been a source of fascination for gamers , and one of the best known examples of them is the four deleted zones in Sonic 2 . Hidden Palace , Wood Zone , Dust Hill , and Genocide City are all listed on the level select screen of a publicly available Sonic 2 beta . Hidden Palace and Wood Zone can be partially played , and there is an old preview picture of what is believed to be Dust Hill . Genocide City , however , is a mystery . Selecting it in the beta will simply load a blank screen where Sonic will instantly fall to his death . The lack of information and excessively threatening name have made this zone one of the biggest mysteries in gaming . Recently , I came across what was claimed to be a more complete beta of Sonic 2 , which had all the missing zones intact and fully playable . I was skeptical that such a thing would exist , since most deleted levels are cut because they were never finished , but the download description claimed every zone had been completed , and removed for an unexplained reason . I started playing the beta , aside from Tails not being present in gameplay ( he was on the title screen ) , the game initially seemed identical to the final version . After completing Green Hill and Chemical Plant Zone , however , I ended up in Dust Hill . Dust Hill was pretty similar to the lone screenshot of it , a standard desert themed level . The oddly slow banjo music in the background was a little unsettling , but everything else felt just like a normal Sonic 2 zone . The Robotnik boss was his standard vehicle with robotic arms holding six shooter guns , although they fired the standard energy bullets . After Dust Hill , I went through Aquatic Ruins , Casino Night , and Hill Top Zone with no differences from the ones in the final game . After Hill Top , I entered Wood Zone . Like Dust Hill , this fit in perfectly , with the exception of some odd textures on carved wood platforms , they looked almost like faces . The music had a tribal feel to it , Robotnik was fought on a few floating platforms above a spiked pit , he used an axe attachment to his vehicle to eliminate platforms and attack you . In Mystic Cave Zone , I noticed the first difference from the final version besides the added levels : I collected the seventh Chaos Emerald in it , and didn 't get any message about Super Sonic , just a " Sonic Got Them All ! " message . I couldn 't turn into Super Sonic either . After completing Oil Ocean , I went to Hidden Palace Zone . It was pretty much like the version in the well known beta , nothing unusual until I got to the end of the second act . Tails was tied to the Master Emerald , Robotnik was hovering above him , doing a laughing animation . Sonic turned into Super Sonic , and ran past the Master Emerald , grabbing Tails , right before Robotnik fired a gigantic beam at the emerald , shattering it . I got a message saying " Sonic Saved Tails ! " , and the screen faded . Metropolis Zone started , I could change into Super Sonic with 50 rings now , and Tails was following me . The rest of the game was just like the normal version , Genocide City Zone never showed up . Everything in the game was identical until I reached the end of Hidden Palace . Tails was still tied to the emerald , Robotnik was still above him . Sonic ran to the emerald to try and save Tails , but Robotnik fired an energy beam diagonally , knocking Sonic back . Robotnik fired his huge beam at the Master Emerald , hitting Tails this time . I heard a loud , high pitched shriek , which I guess was supposed to be a voice sample from Tails . When the beam went away , Tails and the Master Emerald were both gone without a trace . Robotnik did a laughing animation , and flew away . Sonic did an animation I had never seen before , where he fell to the ground and just lay there . The words " You Couldn 't Save Him . " appeared on the screen , and the level faded out . The next zone , as I was expecting , was Genocide City . When it loaded , it was a blank screen , just like the well known beta . Sonic fell to the bottom , and died . I had 14 lives when I reached it , and this falling sequence repeated itself 13 times . When I was down to one life , though , the level finally loaded . The best way I can describe the graphics is a combination of Chemical Plant and Metropolis Zone , with many objects in the background on fire . The music seemed like a remix of the title screen music , but played with nothing but deep bass tones . There didn 't seem to be any rings in the zone , so being down to my last life , I proceeded with caution . There didn 't seem to be any enemies in the zone either , in their place were the sprites for the animals you free from badniks , lying on the ground , not moving . More and more animals appeared as I went deeper into the level , soon the floors were covered with them . The only challenges in the level were some simple platforming sequences , had to jump over gaps in the floor that lead to a burning fire at the bottom of the screen . After going through what felt like a normal Sonic 2 level in length , I reached the goal sign . There was a small gap in the floor before the sign , after touching the sign instead of running to the right like he usually does , Sonic turned around and just looked in the direction of the gap for about 30 seconds . Then he ran into it , falling to his death . I got the game over screen , I had forgotten that I had earned a couple continues earlier in the game . I selected the Yes continue option , but I heard an earsplitting buzzing noise , like games do when you choose a menu option you aren 't allowed to . I tried a couple more times , but the game clearly wasn 't going to let me continue . I finally chose no , and got a game over screen similar to the bad ending in Sonic 1 . Except instead of juggling emeralds , Robotnik was juggling the bodies of the creatures you free from badniks . I had to reset the game to get away from that screen . I was disturbed by what I had just seen , this certainly explained why Genocide City had been removed from the game , but I couldn 't imagine what made Sega even consider doing something like this . Even though I had already played through the game and gotten the good ending , I felt like I had to do it again , that I couldn 't leave the game the way my second playthrough had ended . So for the third time in one day , I started the Sonic 2 Beta . The first oddity was the title screen . Tails was gone from it , Sonic didn 't seem to notice , there was just a bit of empty space the circle both of them are coming out of . I started the game , and it seemed normal until I collected 50 rings and entered the first bonus stage . Instead of rings coming at me , wave after wave of bombs appeared . I dodged them for as long as I could , but finally got hit . Instead of doing his ring losing animation , the 3D Sonic model did a death animation , and the bonus stage ended . The results screen listed 0 for every stat , but the message at the top was different , in solid black text : " You Can 't Bring Back The Dead . " Getting really scared at this point , I collected another 50 rings as quickly as I could , but the bonus stage I entered was identical , ending with the same message . I deleted the beta from my computer , and downloaded it again so I could get the good ending again . I nearly screamed when I saw the title screen without Tails on it , and as I feared I got the impossible bonus stage again . But this time the message was different when I lost : I was terrified , and was clinging to the irrational belief that if I could just get the good ending again , everything would be better . I went on a different computer , downloaded the Beta , and got the same title screen . Acting on baseless instinct by this point , I went into the bonus stage again . The message this time : I deleted the beta from this computer as well . I realized that the computers were sharing an internet source , that there was a possibility this was some kind of trick or virus . I went to my trusty Genesis , took out the Sonic 2 cart I had had for 17 years . If I could just see Tails in it , I knew everything would be okay . But I still haven 't gotten up the courage to risk it . Every rational part of me knows the beta couldn 't possibly affect my cartridge , but I 'm too afraid , afraid of what will happen if I see the title screen without Tails in it . I dream about it every night , but I just know that it could get so much worse . Well , I had to get rid of that computer I watched the episode on . Even after a complete reformatting , it never worked correctly . The episode file could never be deleted from it and it kept opening on its own . I wiped the hard drive clean several times and the episode wouldn 't go away . The sound control didn 't work and it was a laptop , but the power never seemed to run out and I couldn 't get it to turn off . I was going to keep the computer just so I 'd have a copy of the lost episode , but looking at it was making me nervous . I had a recurring nightmare several nights in a row : the episode was playing , but instead of the photo - realistic Bart corpse , it was myself at ten years old . I found a picture of myself at 10 and the nightmare was closer to it than my own memory had been . I swear . . . that picture of myself at 10 , dead , started flashing on the computer screen so quickly that I could never be sure . After that , I destroyed the computer . I haven 't been able to get the episode out of my head , though , and decided to do more research to try to understand it . I found a few people online who seemed to know about it ; apparently the episode aired once in a suburb of Portland , Oregon . I have a cousin who was watching The Simpsons during the first season and lives around there , so I asked him if he remembered the episode . He asked me how I knew about it ; it was a nightmare he had that he had only told his parents about , and I was only a few years old at the time . I told him about the episode I saw and the people online who remembered it . He thought I was just playing a prank on him , and when I got him to look at the online posts about it , he screamed and hung up . He hasn 't responded to any attempts I made to contact him since . Determined to get to the bottom of this , I kept searching online . I found someone who said they had a tape of it they would sell to me . I was nervous , but determined to find out the truth about this and end the matter . I bought the tape as well as a really old and cheap TV / VCR , since I had a feeling neither would be the same after I watched the episode . The episode was pretty much the same as the file I downloaded . . . I don 't want to say anymore ; this wasn 't worth it and I 'd give anything to go back to how I felt when I had the computer with the file scaring me . I destroyed the tape , but it didn 't help . The commercials on the tape . . . I don 't want to remember them . There were monsters from my dreams I had never told anyone about , news promos about tragedies that hadn 't happened yet , surreal computer generated animation that wouldn 't have been possible in the 80s - or now for that matter . A former friend watched it with me , but he saw completely different things , with one exception . There was a seemingly live news report from June 6th , 2013 . In complete monotone , he recited the details of millions of people having died in their sleep , some of them waking up for a few seconds first , rambling incoherently about something that people could only piece together had something to do with nightmares . I 'm sure you can figure out what date was on the tombstones of the currently alive celebrities . There was one difference in the episode itself , though . The " joke " Homer told was completely clear on this version . When it zooms in on Homer 's face , while looking at Bart , he says : Today , I drove my seven - year old son , James , and I into town to go Halloween shopping . I didn 't have to buy any candy this year because we live in a cul - de - sac out in the middle of a farming community on the outskirts of the city . I moved there last year because I had divorced my wife and lost my old house along with most custody of James . It 's okay , though . James and I love Halloween . It 's one of the few times a year that Tracy finds it acceptable for my only son to come visit me . James stays with her on every other holiday through the year : his birthday and everything else in between . I get to see him only on my birthday and the week before Halloween , unless the court finds it suitable for him to come spend the night every once in a while . Frankly , I 'm surprised Tracy let him come shopping with me . He showed an extremely strong attraction to a flamboyant green and purple Buzz Lightyear costume . It 's really typical for a kid to have an eye for the most expensive thing on the rack , but I didn 't have the heart to say no to those profound blue eyes . He also picked out the house decorations . I know we won 't be getting any trick - or - treaters out where I live , but embellishing the exterior of our home was always one of our favorite things to do together . It looks like James and I will be having some competition for the " best Halloween decorations in the neighborhood " award , which sadly , in this community , is only fictitious . When I lived with James and my wife , we won the trophy every year since he was three . Now , my next - door neighbor is really giving us a run for our money . It looks like he did quite the splurge on decorations , just as we did . He must have ordered everything online , though , because aside from the cliche " Happy Halloween " banners and the like , some of the festive treasures found on his house and lawn were nowhere to be seen in the store that James and I went to - which sold primarily Halloween - related contraband . The thing that stuck out most to me was the kite string strung from both ends of his garage door that suspended dozens of expensive - looking bones and skulls several feet off the ground . He had also placed several other bones sticking upwards , perpendicular with the edge of his lawn . It almost looked rather sinister . There was no color or detail , just random bones placed here and there , strewn about his overgrown and unwatered lawn . I think James and I have beat him , though . While walking through my house at dusk , I noticed a quick flicker of movement dash in and out of my peripherals outside my dining room window as I was preparing for James ' arrival the next day . I can 't recall why I chose to inspect was it was , seeing as how I immediately dismissed this movement as a cat or other small animal . I don 't even know if I should be glad that I did . I walked back in front of the window about a minute later and saw the same animation , but this time in the center of my vision . I walked back away from the window and slowly peeked out from the corner of the glass . I made out the shape of the very top of a person 's head peering over the top of my fence and seemed to be watching me . Whoever it was ducked down again right after they realized that we had made eye contact . I backed away from the window . I don 't know why . I crawled over to the family room window , which was about fifteen to twenty feet to the left of where I was and facing the same direction as the dining room window . I stayed , kneeling timidly but curiously grasping the curtain ; I ever so slowly pulled back the cloth , only to reveal the masked fellow who was snooping around behind my property . This time , I saw the entire head . The mask had a gaping , dangling mouth , similar to the mask used in the " Scream " series . The only difference was that the jaw of the mask was swaying about in the wind and that it also had teeth . A lot of teeth of all different shapes and sizes , surrounding the entire perimeter of the mouth . The expression on the mask was plain , and the tone of color was rather pale , with a sight gray discoloration . It didn 't have a goofy smile or an intimidating stare , just a mouth hanging wide open and a couple of perfectly round , beady little chameleon eyes . I don 't really know my neighbor , much less where he gets all of his decorations . I noticed a new ornament of sorts in front of his door today . It was a ceramic bowl full of guts , strategically placed where one would put a bowl of candy if they were too lazy to answer the door for trick - or - treaters . Behind it was one large white piece of paper bound to the wall of his house with masking tape . On it was written , in nearly illegible chicken scratch , " TAKE ONE . " The whole sign had bloody fingerprints smeared all over it . Even more convincing was the bloody tape . . . and the bloody wall . Nearly the entire wall was smeared in brownish red . Spooky . The blood streams all over the place were even dried . I didn 't know they made novelty blood that looked dried like that . I 've only ever talked to this neighbor once , and it was around the time that I moved in . He seemed rather distraught . Wen I approached him , I asked him if everything was all right . He said that he was late for work , which was odd because it was around 8 : 30 PM . I asked him where he worked and he revealed to me that he was a biologist and worked for the military , but said nothing more . It was strange . . . every time I saw him after that , his pants had always ridden up his ankles a little bit more . He was always stumbling around awkwardly and constantly tripping over his own feet . My other neighbors and I liked to joke about him from time to time . I remember one specific instance when he was watering his shrubbery and one of his knees gave out . Backwards , like the way a bird 's leg works . It looked excruciating to me , but he just walked it off . I 've only ever seen him outside again a couple of times after I saw this happen . We stopped making fun of him after that . Last month , as I walked to the mailbox one afternoon , I had heard his kids crying really loudly and frantically . There wasn 't any screaming to be heard , just horrible crying . The crying stopped later , which I was thankful for . I was having trouble sleeping through that horrifying racket . It 's been several months since I 've seen him last . Ever since James arrived earlier this week , he has simply abhorred the idea of removing his costume . Little Buzz has been running ramped throughout the house quoting " Toy Story " and " Buzz Lightyear of Star Command . " He hasn 't changed once since he put it on , except for the time I demanded that he allow me to wash i because he was rolling around outside in the dirt , so to speak . I haven 't sen any more of this weirdo in the mask lately . It 's probably some mischievous kid from the neighborhood behind mine . It 's a cul - de - sac too , just a bigger one . There is a dirt road that accompanies an irrigation canal separating the two cul - de - sacs . My house is the farthest house from the main road , and the canal runs parallel to my fence . There 's no bridge that I know of that one could use to cross the water , though . Maybe the guy just runs track in school . My neighbor bought a new decoration . Why he 's procrastinating so badly , I don 't know . It 's about 200 feet of lights to accompany the 200 feet of intestines he had previously thrown all over the tree in his front yard . The lights don 't coexist with the prior decor , though . All I could smell when I went outside was the burning odor of his literally sizzling ensemble of mix - matched decorations hanging from the tree . When I went outside at night earlier on to go ask him to kindly turn off the lights , most of them appeared to be burnt out , so I went back inside . I 'm going insane . No simple words can properly describe what I believe I have witnessed . Today , I got another glimpse of ' the masked person . ' What I saw this time was not at all what I would describe as a mask . I was sitting in my living room reading . The bay window in my living room overlooks the entire street I live on , and I had my blinds open . I had lifted up my head and looked up and out the window at the nearly dissipated sun because I had heard what sounded to me like an asthmatic individual audibly struggling to inhale accompanied by a restless house cat . After a bit of listening to this unnerving sound , I stood up from my couch and walked casually toward the window . I cupped my hands above my eyes to deter the sunlight and pressed my face against the window . . . and I saw it . It was pursuing a small cat . It ran like an ostrich . Its entire figure was covered in thin hair and big blue veins ; its long , matted , nauseating black hair closely following its flaky , decomposing head . Its flapping , jawless chin bobbinghappily to and fro , occasionally slapping the sides of its scrawny , pale , indisposed neck . Narrow shoulders rhythmically bounding up and down in harmony with its tree branch - like arms , easily giving it at least a five foot reach . Mammoth hands were dragging its chopstick fingers , tickling the ground as it ran . Its emaciated , stilt - like legs completed its horrific image . Altogether , I observed an eight - and - a - half foot question mark with greasy hair practically leaping from yard to yard chasing this poor creature for a reason obviously beyond simple sustenance . One could be no less than appreciative that they weren 't in the shoes of this poor feline . The cat approached a fence on the left side of the street , followed by its lanky predator . It began to scale the fence . The beast then proceeded to effortlessly jump from the sidewalk , clear the 20 - foot lawn , and snatch the animal from the top of the fence with its talon - like claws , as a falcon might . The cat didn 't stand a chance , nor did it even manage a voice to squeal . I now thoroughly believe that the aforementioned beast does , in fact , exist . I 've never thought about calling the police , but we all know how they would never find a " monster . " That is , if they would even respond to such a ridiculous call . I definitely couldn 't call in and report a burglar or anything human for that matter , mainly because they wouldn 't be looking for what needed to be caught . Earlier tonight , my neighbors threw a street - wide costume party at their place down at the end of the cul - de - sac . I didn 't go because I had to work late , and after I picked up James from his friend 's house , we anticipated having a game night with the two of us . My reclusive neighbor stayed at bay as well . Some time during the night , James decided to take a bathroom break . He was gone for over fifteen minutes . When he returned , he seemed excited to inform me that he looked out the family room window and saw what he described as a " really tall weird - looking person with a bag " running patiently to the house where the party was being held , empty bag in hand . They would disappear into the backyard of the house and , seconds later , bolt out of the lawn with a full bag and tear off towards my neighbor 's house , wearing a costume . They repeated this process several times , each time wearing a different costume than before . I looked outside the window , but I could see multiple figures . . . standing around inside the house of the party . I thought of that horrid monster smiling at my beautiful boy . I despised the idea . Next , I tried to envision what that particular smile might look like , though I really couldn 't . I didn 't think a jawless maw that gargantuan had any muscle at all to maneuver that flailing chin in the first place . Lincoln skeleton , so - on ; so - forth . Every one of them was strung up by the back of its neck , feet swinging , head looking down . I really wanted to ask this guy how he comes up with all this and where he gets it all . If he knows that last night 's rain washed the color off of most of his little knick - knacks . I have to hand it oto him , though . The slew of morbid decor in combination with his dirty , run - down , cobweb covered home gives it a true horror movie feel to it . I opened the door . It was my neighbor . No , not whatever lived next door , but the fellow who lived behind me on the other side of the canal . He was disgruntled . He was upset and threatening me about something but none of it sank in because one of the skeletons hanging from my neighbor 's tree was staring right at me , jaw wide open . It was smaller than the other skeletons around it . A gleam of moonlight revealed that a small string tied through a hole bored in the top of its skull was its support . I got goosebumps when I noticed that its eyes were still intact . " . . . I 'm terribly sorry . . . " I improvised . " I don 't know what 's come over me . . . If there 's anything I can do - " I sped off into my house . I bolted down the hall . I began to spasm as I neared the guest room door . My trembling hands applied their convulsing energy to the doorknob , then turned and flung the door wide open to reveal my son , sleeping , facing the wall , just as I had left him . He normally doesn 't sleep with his head all the way under the blankets , but I was too flustered to notice . I jogged , reassured , back out to my bewildered guest . I didn 't know what to think anymore . " Aww , save it . I , for one , do NOT care at all about your problems . You just stay the hell away from me and my family . Ya hear ? " Leonardo wakes up and looks around him before getting out of bed . The picture quality is quite poor and the animation is jittery . There is no background music and the only sound you can hear is a ticking clock . Leonardo then mutters something to himself , but his voice seems muffled and it 's difficult to make out what he is saying . Suddenly , a male voice can be heard in the background , though the voice isn 't recognizable and doesn 't seem to belong to any of the show 's regular characters ; " Are you up yet , " is all it says . It is difficult to tell if Leonardo responds to the strange voice or not , but he leaves his room and heads to the living area of the lair . The lair seems empty ; neither Splinter nor the other turtle are anywhere to be found and the living area is quite messy . He finds a pizza box on the kitchen table , but upon opening it finds a very old and moldy pizza with hundreds of insect carcasses on it . At this point , Leonardo decides to leave the lair and goes looking for his coat . The picture suddenly switches to black for about ten seconds , as if for advertisements ; some say a very faint whispering can be heard if the volume is turned up high . The scene then switches back to Leonardo walking through the sewers . The picture quality is now very poor ; the backgrounds look rushed in their design and don 't loop properly in their repetition . What follows is a scene with Leonardo standing and looking into a sewer stream . He is not moving and the only animation is the slow movement of the water , with what sounds like a dripping noise playing in the background . After a few seconds , Michelangelo suddenly drifts into frame ; he is otherwise motionless . He just seems to be slowly drifting by , face up with his eyes wide open in a vacant stare . His tone is sickly green and his face is slightly sunken . Leonardo stoically watches Michelangelo 's clearly lifeless body drift by before slowly moving on . Leonardo is now walking the streets . It is somewhat dark ; there is no one around and none of the businesses seem to be open , with many seeming abandoned and derelict . He doesn 't seem to be going anywhere , just wandering aimlessly as there is nowhere to go . He passes the channel six building ; it is clearly vacant . He decides to rest on a street bench and begins testing his turtle com , but there is no reply to any of his calls and he angrily thrusts the device on the ground , smashing it . Suddenly , the unidentified male voice reiterates , " Are you up yet , " to which Leonardo doesn 't seem to respond , instead just sitting and staring at his broken turtle - com ; " They 're gone , " the voice quietly utters , followed by an extremely loud tearing scream , " THEY ' RE GONE ! GONE ! GONE , " after which Leonardo starts cringing in wild agony , screaming in pain and furiously punching himself in the head . My first thought was that my medication had suddenly and severely stopped working . It was really the only rational explanation at the time . I want to start out with that because , before I explain myself , I want you to know why it 's taken me this long to take action . You see , I have a condition . Well , maybe that 's not the word most people would choose . I suppose most people would say that I 'm batshit crazy and , to tell the truth , I wouldn 't blame them , but that 's really not fair . When I 'm on my medication , I 'm pretty much normal . Eccentric , yes , but nothing for worry . It 's taken me years to get this far , a multitude of failed prescription cocktails , and over a dozen institutionalizes , but what I tell you next is true , is real , and is , most importantly , urgent . I know that knowledge of my past will work against me , but please try to look past that and see me for who I am now . Do I sound mad ? Do I sound irrational ? Ask yourself these things as you listen , and ask yourself what you would have done . It occurred roughly eight months ago . I work the graveyard shift at a 7 - Eleven ( Unfortunately , with my sort of past , it 's one of the only jobs available , but it 's an honest living and it gets the bills paid . . . but I digress ) in Chicago . One of the benefits of living in the city is that I 'm walking distance from my apartment , so there 's no need for a car . As I was walking home , my cell phone went off . I remember thinking it was strange since it was a little after four in the morning , but I wasn 't too alarmed . My friends and family know I work the graveyard so there was a good chance it was someone I know being polite and not interrupting my sleep during the day . Whoever it was hung up before I could answer and I couldn 't call back because the number was listed as private . Shrugging it off , I continued on , only to have it ring again as I got to my apartment door . This time I answered in time , but the line was so filled with static that I couldn 't make anything out . That 's all that happened that night . They may seem mundane and unimportant , but it isn 't . It happened again the next night , the next , and has happened every night since then , including last night , and I 'm sure it will happen tonight . It was the first sign that something had gone wrong , but I didn 't know it until four days later . I had assumed that someone was just prank phone calling me every night , but when I went to see my sister that weekend I found my second sign . My sister lives in the suburbs , has been happily married for the last eight years , and has a three year old son named Francis . It 's become something of a tradition that I take a taxi over to her place for dinner once or twice a month , so my showing up on a weekend unannounced shouldn 't have been a surprise , but when I got there her house was empty . Ah , I can tell . You don 't understand . When I say her house was empty , I mean it was empty . Deserted . Nobody was there , and there were no signs of people having ever been there . There was no furniture , no locks on the doors , and no light fixtures - just bare walls with exposed outlets and bare floors . I told you of my condition earlier . While I had never had this sort of hallucination before , I knew better than to think that what I saw was real . An entire family just disappearing in the middle of suburbia doesn 't make sense , so the logical thought was that they hadn 't disappeared , I just wasn 't seeing reality as it was . I called another taxi , went home , and called my psychiatrist . Three days and innumerable blood tests later , it was declared that my medication was still at full strength in my blood stream and that perhaps I had dreamed the whole thing . It is worth noting that at this point I had tried calling my sister several times and only received a wrong number message . With no immediate options available , I decided to take a friend to see my sister 's house . If nothing else , I would at least have someone to confirm that it was empty . I should note again that this started with receiving phone calls . The day that I decided to enlist the help of a friend , the number of calls doubled . I don 't have many friends , and of the friends I do have there aren 't many who are aware of my condition , so I didn 't have many options to choose from . I eventually decided on Lisa . She knew the most about my past , the most about my problem , and I knew I could trust her not to judge . When I cold her , she told that I was dumb to have waited that long to call her and to get my ass over there so my life could get back to normal . God , I miss Lisa . She was always so good to me . I headed over to her place that evening only to discover it empty as well . Since then , everyone I know has disappeared , one by one , and the damn phone calls have continued to plague me . I threw away my cell phone months ago but to no avail ; pay phones ring as I pass , I find cell phones in my pockets . . . the means vary , but the end is always the same . Ringing . The world continues on , though , even though every last house I come to looks as if it 's never seen a living soul . When I pass a street vendor 's empty shop I can still pick up a paper with today 's date and a new story . That 's why I 'm writing this . If the world can still talk to me , then maybe I can still talk to it . Maybe I can still send out a message , and it is a very important message . You see , I don 't care so much about the loneliness - I don 't even care that much about the prospect of never seeing another living creature again . I care about warning the outside world . Reading the papers has become an obsession of mine , and I 've come to realize something : it isn 't the world that 's disappeared , it 's me . I also know why I haven 't been missed . You see , I didn 't just vanish without a trace , I was replaced . I don 't know what it was that replaced me , but it doesn 't have good intentions . When I said earlier that I 'm okay with the prospect of never seeing another living soul again , I meant it . . . but every time I open up one of the cell phones that appear in my pockets , I 'm greeted by an image of my hand clutching a knife and a slit throat . About two years ago , I lived in a pretty nice house . It had three rooms , a full kitchen , and an attic for only $ 1300 a month . For all of you who rent apartments , you 'd know this is a damn good deal . A large cemetery was about six to seven blocks away , but it really has nothing to do with my story . Anyway , after moving all of my stuff into my new place , I started to explore - all the rooms , all the nooks and crannies and whatnot . I noticed that the room I chose ( I let my mom have the larger room - yes , I live with my mom . Go fuck yourself ) had a small piece of paper above the door . It was placed flat on the wall between the top of the door and the ceiling . All that was on the paper was a few Chinese letters . Now , I 'm Chinese , but I can 't read Chinese for shit , so I had no idea what it said , but I have seen those types of paper before . Basically , there are old traditions about monsters ( usually vampires ) that have a piece of paper attached to their head , hat , or whatever . Google " Chinese Vampires " and look at some of the pictures . That 's what this paper above my door looked like . I asked my landlord ( a semi - old white lady ) about it . She said that the last guy to live in the house was very superstitious , so I brushed it off . I left that paper there , though , because . . . seriously , who wants to mess with something like that ? My room had a very deep closet . It was narrow , but it took a good four to five steps to get to the far side of it . After checking out my room , I headed up to the attic . The landlord previously told me ( or , sort of , warned me ) not to let anyone sleep in the attic . Whether or not this has anything to do with my story , you 'll have to decide . She said it gets extremely hot up there during the summer or something . I had a room , my mom had her room , so it didn 't matter much . I walked upstairs to a two - roomed attic that had the door in - between them removed . The first room had nothing inside , but the second had a couch sitting in the middle of it . There was nothing around it - no tables , lamps , light fixtures , or anything else . Just a dirty white couch in the middle . I decided not to fuck with it or sit in it , because . . . seriously , would you plop down on a couch that the last tenant left in your new house ? That 's disgusting . Everything was sorted out and the place started to feel like home . A few months passed and some weird things started to happen . I would stay up very late , most of the time on my laptop while sitting on my bed , and on a few random nights , my closet door would swing open . Not swing open as in that * creakkk * shit they do in movies . I 'm talking swing open like someone roundhoused it open . The first time it happened , I was scared shitless . My bed was facing the closet , so I looked up , scared as shit , and saw . . . nothing . The closet door was just flat against the wall with nothing but darkness in the closet . There were no demon eyes , no shadowy figure , just darkness . I got up , closed the closet door , and went back to my laptop . This event started happening more and more frequently , and since I always had a window fan installed , I figured it was just some really strong draft . The fact that I couldn 't close my closet door all the way supported my theory - the locking mechanism on it would have prevented it from swinging open like that . As I 'm writing this , I just realized that I should have just put something heavy in front of it . Whatever . I told my mom about it and apologized for the noise in the middle of the night , but she said that she never heard a thing . I found it pretty odd since the door slammed pretty loudly into the wall . A little more than half a year after first moving in , we decided to move out . We found a cheaper , but smaller , apartment and decided to go with it . My friend knows people who work for a moving company , so we hired a few workers to move all our stuff out . While we were packing up all our things , I set up a radio in my room to listen to while I was busy putting everything into boxes . I went to the bathroom , and upon leaving my room , I closed my door . It wasn 't by accident or anything ; I just had a habit of closing doors behind me . I took a piss and went back to my room . I opened the door and stood there for a moment , closed the door , and opened it again . That 's when I noticed that I can 't hear anything coming from my room when the door is closed . The radio was pretty loud , yet I couldn 't hear even a tiny bit of it when the door was shut . This actually weirded me out more than the closet door slamming in the middle of the night because it just didn 't make any sense . Then I realized that maybe that 's why my mom never heard the slams . Still thinking about it , I continued to pack . I went into my closet to get my clothes . I swung the closet door open and held it flat against the wall - I didn 't want to keep opening and closing it as I walked in and out . But the door wouldn 't stay flat against the wall . I would open it all the way , then it would creak back a bit into a 70 degree angle . This is where I started to get creeped out . All those nights that the door slammed open , it was at a complete 180 . The only way it could stay like that was if someone or something held it open Freaking out , I grabbed all my shit in the closet ASAP and threw them onto my bed . I did NOT want to stand in that long , narrow closet any longer . I went up to the attic to check up on the workers . They had just finished clearing the attic and asked me about the white couch . I told them it wasn 't mine and to leave it there . They shrugged , put it back down , and went downstairs . As I turned to follow them , something on the floor caught my eye : an extremely black , seemingly burned mark stuck out underneath the couch . I walked over and pushed the couch out of the way . Sitting there , at my feet , was a pentagram burned into the carpet . It was as if someone had one of those cow - marker / prodder things or whatever they 're called , except it was huge and in the shape of a pentagram . I quickly called the workers back and we stared at it for the longest time . A few " the fuck is this shit " were exchanged , and then a few chuckles from them . I wasn 't laughing . Especially after they pointed out that this pentagram was right above my room . I was going to go downstairs , finish packing , and get the fuck out of this house . As I took the last box from my room , I looked one last time at the room , at the closet , and at the paper above the door . The top right corner of the paper was falling off a little bit . I felt a deep , sudden urge to rip it off , but I denied that feeling and brought my stuff outside . It 's been about three to four years since I 've lived in that house , but I still think about it often . About a year ago , I went to my aunt 's house for my cousin 's birthday . I 've been there before , but on that day I noticed something I 've never noticed before . As I was taking off my shoes , I looked up . Above the door to her house , stuck in - between the top of the door and the ceiling , was a very similar piece of paper . This piece was different , though , as the Chinese letters were very faint , as if it was flipped and faced the wall instead of facing me . I asked my aunt about it and she told me it was a sort of charm to keep evil spirits away . It haunts me now - what if I succumbed to the urge of ripping the paper off the wall ? Is that paper still there ? It was peeling off the last time I saw it , did anyone fix it ? Or worse , did anyone remove it ? She told me what the Chinese letters meant . Literally translated , it said " No entry beyond . " I asked her why she had the piece of paper flipped around , and the words she told me next will scar me forever . " It 's supposed to be that way . The wordings on the paper are supposed to face where evil spirits will come from . " I stood there , frozen . A feeling of enormous dread swept over me . That man , that superstitious bastard of a man that lived in the house before me wasn 't trying to keep evil spirits from entering that room . He was trying to keep something from leaving . If you are the type who eats out regularly , a stranger might join you at the table one day . This stranger will always appear to be of your age and sex , and he / she will only appear if you are alone . No matter what style of restaurant it is , he will always be carrying his own plate of food . After a few seconds , he will look directly at you and say , " You seem like an interesting person . May I know you better ? " Say yes and he will begin to ask you questions about yourself in - between bites . These questions will be innocuous enough at first : what your name is , what you do for a living , and so forth . Should you open your mouth to answer , you will be forced to tell the truth , even if you do not consciously know what the truth is . Remain silent and the stranger will scowl at you , pick up his plate , and leave . You will never see him again . If you do indulge his questions , however , they will grow darker and darker as the food leaves his plate , and it will become harder and harder to resist answering . Do not attempt to leave the table before he does under any circumstances . When his plate is clean , he will stand up to leave , but not before asking you one last , irresistible question : " What would drive you to take your own life ? " You will be instantly aware that you will be able to lie in response to this one question , and I suggest you do , for whatever you describe will come to pass within the week . Those who are canny may use this chat to gain whatever they desire , but know that if the happenstance you name does not drive you to suicide , the stranger will start guessing as to what will . A few years ago , a mother and father decided they needed a break , so they wanted to head out for a night on the town . They called their most trusted babysitter . When the babysitter arrived , the two children were already fast asleep in bed , so the babysitter just go to to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children . Later that night , the babysitter got bored and went to watch TV , but she couldn 't watch it downstairs . She called the parents and asked them if she could watch cable in their room . The parents said it was okay , but the babysitter had one final request : if she could cover up the angel statue outside the bedroom window with a blanket or cloth , or at least close the blinds because it made her nervous . The phone line was silent for a moment , then the father said , " Take the children and get out of the house . We will call the police . We do not have an angel statue . " Finally , doctors have found a cure for the common cold . Parents all around the United States take their children to get this life - changing vaccine . You don 't have children and have always had a strong immune system , so you decide you don 't need this new vaccine , but you can 't help but pay attention to the commercials . " Don 't you hate that sick feeling you get from the cold ? You could believe a simple shot could make you forget about this forever ? This vaccine has been tested again and again to ensure your safety and wellness . Side - effects may include extreme drowsiness , mood swings , and swelling of the lower eyelids . Temporary side - effects are nausea , dizziness , and loss of coordination . After receiving the vaccine , you should not drive or operate heavy machinery for at least three days . " Typical , but nothing extraordinary . You glance at the clock near the television . 7 : 34 . You 're going to be late for work as a janitor at the local public elementary school . You slip on your Crocs , grab your backpack off of the couch , and make your way to the garage . On your way you see the mailman at the mailbox . You always BS with him . He has been your mailman for over twelve years . He tells you that he was thinking about getting his son vaccinated . It 's not shocking ; it seems to be all over the news and the topic of choice for mothers and other adults . You politely tell him that you will talk with him tomorrow . You arrive at the school , slipping on your headphones , and focus on sweeping the floors . You do not look up at any students . Why would you ? Why would you care ? Some time passes and you leave the building after disinfecting every desk and scrubbing every sink in every bathroom . You open the back door and walk to your car . Rage pours through your veins as you see the windshield of your car is smashed . You look and see a boy . He may have been in fourth or fifth grade . He tilts his head forward and raises his eyebrows . You wonder why he makes this face , and then it hits you . His lower eyelids are extremely swollen . You want to confront him , but decide to let him go . There 's nothing he can do for you . Tomorrow , you 'll park in the hospital parking lot on the other side of the street . You see the boy slowly , tiredly , walking away . After about seven steps , he leans up against the brick wall he 's walking next to . You open your driver 's side door , sweep some broken glass from the seat , drive home , and go to sleep . Your alarm clock 's battery died . You walk into the living room and squint at the clock near your television . It 's 8 : 04 . Great , you 're already late and you haven 't even brushed your teeth . You get ready and arrive at work . Your boss , a fifth grade English teacher , wants to speak with you . You walk into his classroom and notice all of the children either slouching in their seats or sleeping with their heads on the desks . He tells you how unacceptable it is for you to be coming in late so often and made you promise that it will never happen again , then excuses you . You walk towards the door , but have your eyes glued to the puffy eyelids of the children . A boy in the front row began snoring on his desk , clutching a sharpened pencil , a pen , and an eraser . You see the teacher nudge the boy and ask him to stay awake , but then the boy 's face twists as he stabs the teacher in the heart with the pencil . You try to scream but you 're frozen in shock and only two words flash in your mind : mood swings . None of the students seem to have noticed what just happened before their eyes . You suddenly gain control of your body and scream for help . This angers the children , whose faces now portray extreme hatred . Some of them charge you with energy you would expect from fifth graders , and others just limp towards you like zombies from the video games you play until morning . Their eyes were glued shut with pus , but somehow they knew just where you were . You run down the hallways , screaming uncontrollably . As you look to your left and right , into other classrooms , you see blood . Everywhere . You don 't know what happened , but you continue to scream . The children from other rooms begin to chase you in a similar fashion as those behind you . Some of them cover their ears and you realize that your screaming is angering them . You decide to stop , but you can 't . Children are coming from everywhere . There is nowhere left to run . There are no adults around other than you . You try to decide what to do , but then you notice blood streaming down your arm . A child has bitten your shoulder and is still holding on . The others see this and begin biting you , too . You are panicking , but the sea of children has surrounded you . You notice that the students begin lifting and carrying desks , similarly to how a rock star would surf a crowd . A girl near you smashes it against your head . You should have seen that coming , you think as you fall to the ground . The children begin to slowly tear the skin off of your face and body with their teeth and nails . After a few hours , the pain kicks in as you slowly die of blood loss . Did you ever see one of those videos where you are asked to look for or follow a specific thing throughout the video ? Then , at the end they reveal that as you were watching , something large and intrusive moved around in plain sight and you never even noticed it ? It 's frightening how often that happens , like how I just moved from the doorway into your room as you read this . A mile or so into the woods by my house is a trail . It 's about six miles long and hardly used ; some parts are nearly impassable because of the overgrowth . I love to run on this trail for precisely this reason , as I can be truly alone , and the occasional narrowing path or branch that requires hurdling is more diversion than detriment . I recently saw the first individuals other than myself on the trail . About three miles into my run , I saw an old couple walking together . They smiled warmly at me and waved . I was shocked to see other people here ; I had thought I was the only one who knew about this place , but I nonetheless stopped and chatted with them . I figured they might be the landowners taking a rare stroll , and it would hardly be tactful to disregard them , as I was a trespasser . Soon , we parted ways - I continued running one way , they continued their slow march in the other , hand in hand , a picturesque couple even in their advanced age . Eventually , I came to a stop at the end of the trail and turned back . After a while , I thought I saw someone lying on the ground in the distance - I accelerated when I realized one of them might have fallen and hurt themselves . As I got closer and closer , I realized that both were lying face down . Luckily , I had brought my cell phone and I called the ambulance , but by the time they arrived , both were dead . Unfortunately for me , the tests indicated they had been poisoned . I was arrested because I was the only person within miles of the bodies . I was the main suspect . After isolating the poison in the lab , it was determined that it was from an extremely toxic berry called Actaea Pachypoda . This exact type of berry plant was later found during the forensic investigation of the trail . The fingerprints of the couple were on the plant . I watched the local evening news that night . The deaths were the main story . It was a beautiful segment about their love and how misfortune tragically ended their lives . It turns out they had both been diagnosed with cancer within the last two months . This was followed by an educational segment detailing the dangers of eating unknown plants such as the Actaea Pachypoda . I watched the news the next night , also . It turns out Actaea Pachypoda isn 't native to our area . The police found a bag full of the seeds in the old couple 's home . I live on the top floor of a five - story apartment building in a moderately big city . My apartment is a one bedroom with a fairly large living room with big windows out towards the street and the opposing building . That building has a small parking lot up front , so it is not directly across from mine , which I kind of like because of the privacy . Being a night owl , I like to sit up late with my laptop . Sometimes I peek out the window at the building across , looking for lit windows and wondering if anyone else out there is doing the graveyard shift . Last night , I wish I hadn 't . I usually sit with my laptop facing the windows . For the last couple of nights I had , in the corner of my eye , been seeing a sparsely lit window in the building across and in it some sort of movement . Last night , my curiousness got the best of me , so I put my computer down and went over to the window to check it out . Surely enough , you could see someone waving , but just barely . The window was dimly lit , but you could definitely see some movement . I thought about it for a second and went to get a pair of binoculars . After some searching I found a pair and went back to the window , putting them to my eyes . I located the window and got a better look at what was in it . It appeared to be a person , lit up by a candle . I couldn 't make out the person 's face , but he was waving . At me , apparently , because after I had locked onto him with the binoculars he stopped waving for a second and then pointed at me . I felt a chill go down my spine . He pointed at me and then made a circling motion with his finger . He kept doing this over and over until I realized he was signaling for me to turn around . I reacted out of instinct and quickly turned around , as if I really were expecting something to lurk behind me . Nothing was there but darkness , obviously , so I chuckled to myself and turned back to the window with my binoculars only to find it empty , except or the candle slowly fading out . I jumped back and dropped the binoculars on the floor , the noise of the impact spooking me even more . " What the fuck , " I thought to myself as I went back to my computer . I put on some music to calm me down and surfed around a bit more until I looked at the time and realized it was about to get light out . I put my computer down and made my way through a small hallway that led to my bathroom . I didn 't have any lights on , but as I approached the bathroom I noticed a flickering light underneath the door . My body froze . Even if I did forget to turn off the bathroom light , a light bulb could not produce that kind of lighting . I slowly walked up to the door , took a deep breath , and lightly pushed the door open . I stepped inside and , to my horror , I found a candle sitting in the sink , revealing a message scribbled on the mirror . My dad had bought us a Scooby - Doo VHS tape of an episode which I can 't fully recall . All I can remember that it was about a little girl 's ghost haunting a whole town . Our parents didn 't go out very much , since my brother suffers from asthma and they were very protective of him , but one night they had this important party thing and decided to call a babysitter . I remember getting upset and telling them that I was old enough to take care of my brother , but they didn 't listen . They left us with this freckly 15 - year old neighbor girl called Amanda or something . Before leaving , Dad gave us the tape , which got us pretty excited , as it would be the first time Dad let us use the VHS player . After they left , we all noticed that the tape was kind of weird ; the art on the cover looked hand - made somehow . Scooby looked REALLY terrified and the ghost girl was really creepy . I remember Amanda calling my dad a weirdo for buying such a thing for us , but I assume he just picked up the first tape he saw . I also remember that Amanda didn 't want to play the tape , but after my brother and I insisted for almost an hour , we finally sat in front of the TV to watch the thing . The episode itself was kind of boring ; there were almost no jokes and it wasn 't that scary , but I do remember being surprised that the ghost from the cover didn 't look at all like the one in the video . I don 't really remember the plot of the episode ; I guess it was pretty much the usual , and Amanda would repeat ' stupid show ' every five minutes . Close to the end , when they got the ghost and were about to unmask her , something weird happened . All of the Scooby - Doo gang stopped talking and looked at the camera with a really sad and serious look on their faces . They stared at us for a very long time in silence ; even the background music had stopped . The only person not looking at us was the ghost girl , but she suddenly lifted her head and stared at the camera with her terrible eyes wide open . The final credits came abruptly after that . We all stared at the TV without saying a word until the tape finally stopped . We were shocked . My brother looked at us and said something like , " Shit . . . I can 't believe Shaggy died . This is so fucked up . " We both looked at him , confused , and Amanda asked what he was talking about . He insisted that it was stupid to kill a character and then bring him back to life in the next episode . She got really nervous and told him that Shaggy didn 't get killed , that the ghost girl disappeared right after they caught her and the episode finished with the whole gang scared to death . Nothing made any sense ; I couldn 't understand a thing . When I told them what I saw , Amanda freaked out . She said at least ten times that it wasn 't funny and left our house , pissed off and , I assume , scared to her bones like we were . After discussing for at least half an hour , we decided to put the tape in and watch it again . We turned all the lights on and pushed rewind . The thing is , when we got to the part when they get the girl , the episode suddenly ends . Nothing happens . They get the girl and there is no unmasking , no killing , and no staring . It just ends there . We stopped the tape and ran to our room . My brother had an asthma attack and I stayed by his bed crying and praying he wouldn 't die . Eventually , we fell asleep . The next morning , my brother started acting like nothing happened . After insisting for about two days , he told me he never wanted to talk about it again , and that was it . It was a car accident . It wasn 't anything particularly remarkable , but fatal nonetheless . You left behind a wife and two children . It was a painless death . The EMTs tried their best to save you , but to no avail . Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off ; trust me . " That 's what I like to see , " I said . " You just died and your main concern is your family . That 's good stuff right there . " You looked at me with fascination . To you , I didn 't look like God . I just looked like some man . . . or possibly a woman . I looked like some vague authority figure , maybe , or more of a grammar school teacher than the almighty . " Don 't worry , " I said . " They 'll be fine . Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way . They didn 't have time to grow contempt for you . Your wife will cry on the outside , but will be secretly relieved . To be fair , your marriage was falling apart . If it 's any consolation , she 'll feel very guilty for feeling relieved . " " So , what 's the point , then , " You asked . " When I get reborn I 'll just be a blank slate , right ? A baby . So all of my experiences and everything I did in this life won 't matter . " " Not so , " I said . " You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives . You just don 't remember them right now . " I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders . " Your soul is more magnificent , beautiful , and gigantic than you can possibly imagine . A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are . It 's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it 's hot or cold . You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel , and when you bring it back out , you 've gained all the experiences it had . " " You 've been in a human for the last forty - eight years , so you haven 't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness . If we hung out here for long enough , you 'd start remembering everything . But there 's no point to doing that between each life . " " Oh , lots . Lots and lots . An in to lots of different lives , " I said . " This time around , you 'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD . " " Oh , sure , " I explained . " I come from somewhere . Somewhere else . And there are others like me . I know you 'll want to know what it 's like there , but honestly you wouldn 't understand . " " No , just you . I made this whole universe for you . With each new life , you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect . " " Every time you victimized someone , " I said . " You were victimizing yourself . Every act of kindness you 've done , you 've done to yourself . Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was , or will be , experienced by you . " " Because someday , you will become like me . Because that 's what you are . You 're one of my kind . You 're my child . " " No , not yet . You 're a fetus . You 're still growing . Once you 've lived every human life throughout all time , you will have grown enough to be born . " Hello there . I am a single father of two three - year old boys . Their favorite show is Barney and Friends . . . . well , it used to be . . . until las . . . |
She complained of difficulty breathing and said that she couldn 't feel her left side from the midsection down . As evidence , she showed us her left thigh . Sure enough , there was a red , inflamed patch of flesh . It looked like the aftermath of a mosquito bite , except several times larger . We thought that a spider must have got her while she slept , but since nearly a week had already passed and we weren 't exactly rich , we decided against her seeing a doctor . We couldn 't afford paying a medical bill for something that would probably clear up in a few days . We were sure it would clear up , as it was only a little bug bite , after all . . . When we woke today , mother was crying . She said that the numbed sensation of her side had indeed gone , but it had only been replaced by a burning anguish . Her breath hitched and was obviously labored . We inspected her thigh and were startled to find that the large mosquito bite mark had erupted across her side . A single mark had turned into several sickly , inflamed mounds that peeled and erupted pus . She claimed it burned . We certainly believed her . My father told us he would drive her to the nearest neighborhood clinic . For my part , I departed for my day 's summer session classes . My mother 's frightening condition danced somewhere in the back of my mind for the rest of the day , but I didn 't dwell on it . Summer classes were coming to an end , final exams were a few days away , friends were planning a trip to the beach , and a small pain in my breaths nagged me . I hoped I wasn 't developing a cold . It was my father . He was in hysterics . Apparently , the doctor at the clinic had taken one look at my mother 's condition and urged her to head to an emergency room . So my father and mother had gone and waited , waited , and waited a little more . Finally , my mother was allowed to see a doctor . That 's where it all went downhill . He took one look at her and left the room . My father and mother were left in that room , confused , when nurses entered . Some drew blood from my heaving mother , others ushered my father out of the room , blowing aside his questions and asking him to wait in the waiting area . He did , but while he waited , he had time to see a dozen police officers rush into the hospital , past the waiting area , and into the direction of the room that held my mother . He told me this last part in a choking sob : he heard gun shots . That 's when I heard him scream . That made me jump in the car seat , my hands taught and white against the steering wheel and my eyes bulging . I realized I wasn 't breathing . On the other end of the line , I heard something clatter . It was probably the phone hitting the floor . Then there were arguing , yelling voices . Authoritarian voices . There was one weeping voice : my father . It was the only time I had ever heard him like that - blubbering something out . I 'll be honest . . . I was disgusted . I wasn 't used to such a weak father . I was used to the man of steel my old man had come to represent . I guess I was confused . I turned off the cell phone and continued the drive home . I was numb , confused , and disbelieving . I got home . . . only , by then , it wasn 't really home anymore . I found the block closed off . Police cars cordoned off the streets . People in bio - hazard suits were coming in and out of my house . In my befuddled state , I thought it looked kind of like something off of the movies REC or Quarantine . It seemed pretty funny , to be honest . It was really funny . . . until I saw them wheel out a body under a tarp and realized from the single exposed shoe that it was my younger brother . I drove until I was out of town , far out of town . I realized then that it might be stupid to keep on driving . Whatever was going on , I had escaped out of sheer luck . They tried to put up a net around us , but only I 'd escaped because of my college schedule . So , what is it ? I 've seen enough scary movies to guess . I 'm infected , but who the fuck knows with what . My lungs are slowly burning and there 's a strange bulge on my back . I haven 't checked it yet , but I 'd bet everything in my pockets ( which comes out to about twenty - five bucks ) that it 's a red mark - a red mark that resembles a large mosquito bite . What is it ? Am I going to die ? Well , it was serious enough that they offed my mom and dad , and even my bro to boot . Whatever I 've got , I figure it must be some serious shit . I wonder what it takes to infect others . . . a cough ? A touch ? A bite ? I walked until I could hitch a ride , then I walked some more . I stopped at a motel after dark and paid in cash . I tried to sleep , but I couldn 't . I just kept seeing my brother 's shoe sticking out from under that tarp . . . that shoe . . . So I opened my laptop and decided to type this out instead . They took everything from me . I 'm . . . going to die . They didn 't have to do what they did . They could have just told us we were a danger to others . They didn 't have to shoot my mother . . . my father . . . I 'm going to take as much as I can before I go . Tomorrow , I 'll spend my day shaking hands . I 'll go into convenience stores and touch the food - maybe cough in it . I 'll lick the public water fountains . I 'll do whatever it takes to bring you with me . So , tomorrow . . . please . Shake my hand . Deleted levels in video games have always been a source of fascination for gamers , and one of the best known examples of them is the four deleted zones in Sonic 2 . Hidden Palace , Wood Zone , Dust Hill , and Genocide City are all listed on the level select screen of a publicly available Sonic 2 beta . Hidden Palace and Wood Zone can be partially played , and there is an old preview picture of what is believed to be Dust Hill . Genocide City , however , is a mystery . Selecting it in the beta will simply load a blank screen where Sonic will instantly fall to his death . The lack of information and excessively threatening name have made this zone one of the biggest mysteries in gaming . Recently , I came across what was claimed to be a more complete beta of Sonic 2 , which had all the missing zones intact and fully playable . I was skeptical that such a thing would exist , since most deleted levels are cut because they were never finished , but the download description claimed every zone had been completed , and removed for an unexplained reason . I started playing the beta , aside from Tails not being present in gameplay ( he was on the title screen ) , the game initially seemed identical to the final version . After completing Green Hill and Chemical Plant Zone , however , I ended up in Dust Hill . Dust Hill was pretty similar to the lone screenshot of it , a standard desert themed level . The oddly slow banjo music in the background was a little unsettling , but everything else felt just like a normal Sonic 2 zone . The Robotnik boss was his standard vehicle with robotic arms holding six shooter guns , although they fired the standard energy bullets . After Dust Hill , I went through Aquatic Ruins , Casino Night , and Hill Top Zone with no differences from the ones in the final game . After Hill Top , I entered Wood Zone . Like Dust Hill , this fit in perfectly , with the exception of some odd textures on carved wood platforms , they looked almost like faces . The music had a tribal feel to it , Robotnik was fought on a few floating platforms above a spiked pit , he used an axe attachment to his vehicle to eliminate platforms and attack you . In Mystic Cave Zone , I noticed the first difference from the final version besides the added levels : I collected the seventh Chaos Emerald in it , and didn 't get any message about Super Sonic , just a " Sonic Got Them All ! " message . I couldn 't turn into Super Sonic either . After completing Oil Ocean , I went to Hidden Palace Zone . It was pretty much like the version in the well known beta , nothing unusual until I got to the end of the second act . Tails was tied to the Master Emerald , Robotnik was hovering above him , doing a laughing animation . Sonic turned into Super Sonic , and ran past the Master Emerald , grabbing Tails , right before Robotnik fired a gigantic beam at the emerald , shattering it . I got a message saying " Sonic Saved Tails ! " , and the screen faded . Metropolis Zone started , I could change into Super Sonic with 50 rings now , and Tails was following me . The rest of the game was just like the normal version , Genocide City Zone never showed up . Everything in the game was identical until I reached the end of Hidden Palace . Tails was still tied to the emerald , Robotnik was still above him . Sonic ran to the emerald to try and save Tails , but Robotnik fired an energy beam diagonally , knocking Sonic back . Robotnik fired his huge beam at the Master Emerald , hitting Tails this time . I heard a loud , high pitched shriek , which I guess was supposed to be a voice sample from Tails . When the beam went away , Tails and the Master Emerald were both gone without a trace . Robotnik did a laughing animation , and flew away . Sonic did an animation I had never seen before , where he fell to the ground and just lay there . The words " You Couldn 't Save Him . " appeared on the screen , and the level faded out . The next zone , as I was expecting , was Genocide City . When it loaded , it was a blank screen , just like the well known beta . Sonic fell to the bottom , and died . I had 14 lives when I reached it , and this falling sequence repeated itself 13 times . When I was down to one life , though , the level finally loaded . The best way I can describe the graphics is a combination of Chemical Plant and Metropolis Zone , with many objects in the background on fire . The music seemed like a remix of the title screen music , but played with nothing but deep bass tones . There didn 't seem to be any rings in the zone , so being down to my last life , I proceeded with caution . There didn 't seem to be any enemies in the zone either , in their place were the sprites for the animals you free from badniks , lying on the ground , not moving . More and more animals appeared as I went deeper into the level , soon the floors were covered with them . The only challenges in the level were some simple platforming sequences , had to jump over gaps in the floor that lead to a burning fire at the bottom of the screen . After going through what felt like a normal Sonic 2 level in length , I reached the goal sign . There was a small gap in the floor before the sign , after touching the sign instead of running to the right like he usually does , Sonic turned around and just looked in the direction of the gap for about 30 seconds . Then he ran into it , falling to his death . I got the game over screen , I had forgotten that I had earned a couple continues earlier in the game . I selected the Yes continue option , but I heard an earsplitting buzzing noise , like games do when you choose a menu option you aren 't allowed to . I tried a couple more times , but the game clearly wasn 't going to let me continue . I finally chose no , and got a game over screen similar to the bad ending in Sonic 1 . Except instead of juggling emeralds , Robotnik was juggling the bodies of the creatures you free from badniks . I had to reset the game to get away from that screen . I was disturbed by what I had just seen , this certainly explained why Genocide City had been removed from the game , but I couldn 't imagine what made Sega even consider doing something like this . Even though I had already played through the game and gotten the good ending , I felt like I had to do it again , that I couldn 't leave the game the way my second playthrough had ended . So for the third time in one day , I started the Sonic 2 Beta . The first oddity was the title screen . Tails was gone from it , Sonic didn 't seem to notice , there was just a bit of empty space the circle both of them are coming out of . I started the game , and it seemed normal until I collected 50 rings and entered the first bonus stage . Instead of rings coming at me , wave after wave of bombs appeared . I dodged them for as long as I could , but finally got hit . Instead of doing his ring losing animation , the 3D Sonic model did a death animation , and the bonus stage ended . The results screen listed 0 for every stat , but the message at the top was different , in solid black text : " You Can 't Bring Back The Dead . " Getting really scared at this point , I collected another 50 rings as quickly as I could , but the bonus stage I entered was identical , ending with the same message . I deleted the beta from my computer , and downloaded it again so I could get the good ending again . I nearly screamed when I saw the title screen without Tails on it , and as I feared I got the impossible bonus stage again . But this time the message was different when I lost : I was terrified , and was clinging to the irrational belief that if I could just get the good ending again , everything would be better . I went on a different computer , downloaded the Beta , and got the same title screen . Acting on baseless instinct by this point , I went into the bonus stage again . The message this time : I deleted the beta from this computer as well . I realized that the computers were sharing an internet source , that there was a possibility this was some kind of trick or virus . I went to my trusty Genesis , took out the Sonic 2 cart I had had for 17 years . If I could just see Tails in it , I knew everything would be okay . But I still haven 't gotten up the courage to risk it . Every rational part of me knows the beta couldn 't possibly affect my cartridge , but I 'm too afraid , afraid of what will happen if I see the title screen without Tails in it . I dream about it every night , but I just know that it could get so much worse . Well , I had to get rid of that computer I watched the episode on . Even after a complete reformatting , it never worked correctly . The episode file could never be deleted from it and it kept opening on its own . I wiped the hard drive clean several times and the episode wouldn 't go away . The sound control didn 't work and it was a laptop , but the power never seemed to run out and I couldn 't get it to turn off . I was going to keep the computer just so I 'd have a copy of the lost episode , but looking at it was making me nervous . I had a recurring nightmare several nights in a row : the episode was playing , but instead of the photo - realistic Bart corpse , it was myself at ten years old . I found a picture of myself at 10 and the nightmare was closer to it than my own memory had been . I swear . . . that picture of myself at 10 , dead , started flashing on the computer screen so quickly that I could never be sure . After that , I destroyed the computer . I haven 't been able to get the episode out of my head , though , and decided to do more research to try to understand it . I found a few people online who seemed to know about it ; apparently the episode aired once in a suburb of Portland , Oregon . I have a cousin who was watching The Simpsons during the first season and lives around there , so I asked him if he remembered the episode . He asked me how I knew about it ; it was a nightmare he had that he had only told his parents about , and I was only a few years old at the time . I told him about the episode I saw and the people online who remembered it . He thought I was just playing a prank on him , and when I got him to look at the online posts about it , he screamed and hung up . He hasn 't responded to any attempts I made to contact him since . Determined to get to the bottom of this , I kept searching online . I found someone who said they had a tape of it they would sell to me . I was nervous , but determined to find out the truth about this and end the matter . I bought the tape as well as a really old and cheap TV / VCR , since I had a feeling neither would be the same after I watched the episode . The episode was pretty much the same as the file I downloaded . . . I don 't want to say anymore ; this wasn 't worth it and I 'd give anything to go back to how I felt when I had the computer with the file scaring me . I destroyed the tape , but it didn 't help . The commercials on the tape . . . I don 't want to remember them . There were monsters from my dreams I had never told anyone about , news promos about tragedies that hadn 't happened yet , surreal computer generated animation that wouldn 't have been possible in the 80s - or now for that matter . A former friend watched it with me , but he saw completely different things , with one exception . There was a seemingly live news report from June 6th , 2013 . In complete monotone , he recited the details of millions of people having died in their sleep , some of them waking up for a few seconds first , rambling incoherently about something that people could only piece together had something to do with nightmares . I 'm sure you can figure out what date was on the tombstones of the currently alive celebrities . There was one difference in the episode itself , though . The " joke " Homer told was completely clear on this version . When it zooms in on Homer 's face , while looking at Bart , he says : Today , I drove my seven - year old son , James , and I into town to go Halloween shopping . I didn 't have to buy any candy this year because we live in a cul - de - sac out in the middle of a farming community on the outskirts of the city . I moved there last year because I had divorced my wife and lost my old house along with most custody of James . It 's okay , though . James and I love Halloween . It 's one of the few times a year that Tracy finds it acceptable for my only son to come visit me . James stays with her on every other holiday through the year : his birthday and everything else in between . I get to see him only on my birthday and the week before Halloween , unless the court finds it suitable for him to come spend the night every once in a while . Frankly , I 'm surprised Tracy let him come shopping with me . He showed an extremely strong attraction to a flamboyant green and purple Buzz Lightyear costume . It 's really typical for a kid to have an eye for the most expensive thing on the rack , but I didn 't have the heart to say no to those profound blue eyes . He also picked out the house decorations . I know we won 't be getting any trick - or - treaters out where I live , but embellishing the exterior of our home was always one of our favorite things to do together . It looks like James and I will be having some competition for the " best Halloween decorations in the neighborhood " award , which sadly , in this community , is only fictitious . When I lived with James and my wife , we won the trophy every year since he was three . Now , my next - door neighbor is really giving us a run for our money . It looks like he did quite the splurge on decorations , just as we did . He must have ordered everything online , though , because aside from the cliche " Happy Halloween " banners and the like , some of the festive treasures found on his house and lawn were nowhere to be seen in the store that James and I went to - which sold primarily Halloween - related contraband . The thing that stuck out most to me was the kite string strung from both ends of his garage door that suspended dozens of expensive - looking bones and skulls several feet off the ground . He had also placed several other bones sticking upwards , perpendicular with the edge of his lawn . It almost looked rather sinister . There was no color or detail , just random bones placed here and there , strewn about his overgrown and unwatered lawn . I think James and I have beat him , though . While walking through my house at dusk , I noticed a quick flicker of movement dash in and out of my peripherals outside my dining room window as I was preparing for James ' arrival the next day . I can 't recall why I chose to inspect was it was , seeing as how I immediately dismissed this movement as a cat or other small animal . I don 't even know if I should be glad that I did . I walked back in front of the window about a minute later and saw the same animation , but this time in the center of my vision . I walked back away from the window and slowly peeked out from the corner of the glass . I made out the shape of the very top of a person 's head peering over the top of my fence and seemed to be watching me . Whoever it was ducked down again right after they realized that we had made eye contact . I backed away from the window . I don 't know why . I crawled over to the family room window , which was about fifteen to twenty feet to the left of where I was and facing the same direction as the dining room window . I stayed , kneeling timidly but curiously grasping the curtain ; I ever so slowly pulled back the cloth , only to reveal the masked fellow who was snooping around behind my property . This time , I saw the entire head . The mask had a gaping , dangling mouth , similar to the mask used in the " Scream " series . The only difference was that the jaw of the mask was swaying about in the wind and that it also had teeth . A lot of teeth of all different shapes and sizes , surrounding the entire perimeter of the mouth . The expression on the mask was plain , and the tone of color was rather pale , with a sight gray discoloration . It didn 't have a goofy smile or an intimidating stare , just a mouth hanging wide open and a couple of perfectly round , beady little chameleon eyes . I don 't really know my neighbor , much less where he gets all of his decorations . I noticed a new ornament of sorts in front of his door today . It was a ceramic bowl full of guts , strategically placed where one would put a bowl of candy if they were too lazy to answer the door for trick - or - treaters . Behind it was one large white piece of paper bound to the wall of his house with masking tape . On it was written , in nearly illegible chicken scratch , " TAKE ONE . " The whole sign had bloody fingerprints smeared all over it . Even more convincing was the bloody tape . . . and the bloody wall . Nearly the entire wall was smeared in brownish red . Spooky . The blood streams all over the place were even dried . I didn 't know they made novelty blood that looked dried like that . I 've only ever talked to this neighbor once , and it was around the time that I moved in . He seemed rather distraught . Wen I approached him , I asked him if everything was all right . He said that he was late for work , which was odd because it was around 8 : 30 PM . I asked him where he worked and he revealed to me that he was a biologist and worked for the military , but said nothing more . It was strange . . . every time I saw him after that , his pants had always ridden up his ankles a little bit more . He was always stumbling around awkwardly and constantly tripping over his own feet . My other neighbors and I liked to joke about him from time to time . I remember one specific instance when he was watering his shrubbery and one of his knees gave out . Backwards , like the way a bird 's leg works . It looked excruciating to me , but he just walked it off . I 've only ever seen him outside again a couple of times after I saw this happen . We stopped making fun of him after that . Last month , as I walked to the mailbox one afternoon , I had heard his kids crying really loudly and frantically . There wasn 't any screaming to be heard , just horrible crying . The crying stopped later , which I was thankful for . I was having trouble sleeping through that horrifying racket . It 's been several months since I 've seen him last . Ever since James arrived earlier this week , he has simply abhorred the idea of removing his costume . Little Buzz has been running ramped throughout the house quoting " Toy Story " and " Buzz Lightyear of Star Command . " He hasn 't changed once since he put it on , except for the time I demanded that he allow me to wash i because he was rolling around outside in the dirt , so to speak . I haven 't sen any more of this weirdo in the mask lately . It 's probably some mischievous kid from the neighborhood behind mine . It 's a cul - de - sac too , just a bigger one . There is a dirt road that accompanies an irrigation canal separating the two cul - de - sacs . My house is the farthest house from the main road , and the canal runs parallel to my fence . There 's no bridge that I know of that one could use to cross the water , though . Maybe the guy just runs track in school . My neighbor bought a new decoration . Why he 's procrastinating so badly , I don 't know . It 's about 200 feet of lights to accompany the 200 feet of intestines he had previously thrown all over the tree in his front yard . The lights don 't coexist with the prior decor , though . All I could smell when I went outside was the burning odor of his literally sizzling ensemble of mix - matched decorations hanging from the tree . When I went outside at night earlier on to go ask him to kindly turn off the lights , most of them appeared to be burnt out , so I went back inside . I 'm going insane . No simple words can properly describe what I believe I have witnessed . Today , I got another glimpse of ' the masked person . ' What I saw this time was not at all what I would describe as a mask . I was sitting in my living room reading . The bay window in my living room overlooks the entire street I live on , and I had my blinds open . I had lifted up my head and looked up and out the window at the nearly dissipated sun because I had heard what sounded to me like an asthmatic individual audibly struggling to inhale accompanied by a restless house cat . After a bit of listening to this unnerving sound , I stood up from my couch and walked casually toward the window . I cupped my hands above my eyes to deter the sunlight and pressed my face against the window . . . and I saw it . It was pursuing a small cat . It ran like an ostrich . Its entire figure was covered in thin hair and big blue veins ; its long , matted , nauseating black hair closely following its flaky , decomposing head . Its flapping , jawless chin bobbinghappily to and fro , occasionally slapping the sides of its scrawny , pale , indisposed neck . Narrow shoulders rhythmically bounding up and down in harmony with its tree branch - like arms , easily giving it at least a five foot reach . Mammoth hands were dragging its chopstick fingers , tickling the ground as it ran . Its emaciated , stilt - like legs completed its horrific image . Altogether , I observed an eight - and - a - half foot question mark with greasy hair practically leaping from yard to yard chasing this poor creature for a reason obviously beyond simple sustenance . One could be no less than appreciative that they weren 't in the shoes of this poor feline . The cat approached a fence on the left side of the street , followed by its lanky predator . It began to scale the fence . The beast then proceeded to effortlessly jump from the sidewalk , clear the 20 - foot lawn , and snatch the animal from the top of the fence with its talon - like claws , as a falcon might . The cat didn 't stand a chance , nor did it even manage a voice to squeal . I now thoroughly believe that the aforementioned beast does , in fact , exist . I 've never thought about calling the police , but we all know how they would never find a " monster . " That is , if they would even respond to such a ridiculous call . I definitely couldn 't call in and report a burglar or anything human for that matter , mainly because they wouldn 't be looking for what needed to be caught . Earlier tonight , my neighbors threw a street - wide costume party at their place down at the end of the cul - de - sac . I didn 't go because I had to work late , and after I picked up James from his friend 's house , we anticipated having a game night with the two of us . My reclusive neighbor stayed at bay as well . Some time during the night , James decided to take a bathroom break . He was gone for over fifteen minutes . When he returned , he seemed excited to inform me that he looked out the family room window and saw what he described as a " really tall weird - looking person with a bag " running patiently to the house where the party was being held , empty bag in hand . They would disappear into the backyard of the house and , seconds later , bolt out of the lawn with a full bag and tear off towards my neighbor 's house , wearing a costume . They repeated this process several times , each time wearing a different costume than before . I looked outside the window , but I could see multiple figures . . . standing around inside the house of the party . I thought of that horrid monster smiling at my beautiful boy . I despised the idea . Next , I tried to envision what that particular smile might look like , though I really couldn 't . I didn 't think a jawless maw that gargantuan had any muscle at all to maneuver that flailing chin in the first place . Lincoln skeleton , so - on ; so - forth . Every one of them was strung up by the back of its neck , feet swinging , head looking down . I really wanted to ask this guy how he comes up with all this and where he gets it all . If he knows that last night 's rain washed the color off of most of his little knick - knacks . I have to hand it oto him , though . The slew of morbid decor in combination with his dirty , run - down , cobweb covered home gives it a true horror movie feel to it . I opened the door . It was my neighbor . No , not whatever lived next door , but the fellow who lived behind me on the other side of the canal . He was disgruntled . He was upset and threatening me about something but none of it sank in because one of the skeletons hanging from my neighbor 's tree was staring right at me , jaw wide open . It was smaller than the other skeletons around it . A gleam of moonlight revealed that a small string tied through a hole bored in the top of its skull was its support . I got goosebumps when I noticed that its eyes were still intact . " . . . I 'm terribly sorry . . . " I improvised . " I don 't know what 's come over me . . . If there 's anything I can do - " I sped off into my house . I bolted down the hall . I began to spasm as I neared the guest room door . My trembling hands applied their convulsing energy to the doorknob , then turned and flung the door wide open to reveal my son , sleeping , facing the wall , just as I had left him . He normally doesn 't sleep with his head all the way under the blankets , but I was too flustered to notice . I jogged , reassured , back out to my bewildered guest . I didn 't know what to think anymore . " Aww , save it . I , for one , do NOT care at all about your problems . You just stay the hell away from me and my family . Ya hear ? " Leonardo wakes up and looks around him before getting out of bed . The picture quality is quite poor and the animation is jittery . There is no background music and the only sound you can hear is a ticking clock . Leonardo then mutters something to himself , but his voice seems muffled and it 's difficult to make out what he is saying . Suddenly , a male voice can be heard in the background , though the voice isn 't recognizable and doesn 't seem to belong to any of the show 's regular characters ; " Are you up yet , " is all it says . It is difficult to tell if Leonardo responds to the strange voice or not , but he leaves his room and heads to the living area of the lair . The lair seems empty ; neither Splinter nor the other turtle are anywhere to be found and the living area is quite messy . He finds a pizza box on the kitchen table , but upon opening it finds a very old and moldy pizza with hundreds of insect carcasses on it . At this point , Leonardo decides to leave the lair and goes looking for his coat . The picture suddenly switches to black for about ten seconds , as if for advertisements ; some say a very faint whispering can be heard if the volume is turned up high . The scene then switches back to Leonardo walking through the sewers . The picture quality is now very poor ; the backgrounds look rushed in their design and don 't loop properly in their repetition . What follows is a scene with Leonardo standing and looking into a sewer stream . He is not moving and the only animation is the slow movement of the water , with what sounds like a dripping noise playing in the background . After a few seconds , Michelangelo suddenly drifts into frame ; he is otherwise motionless . He just seems to be slowly drifting by , face up with his eyes wide open in a vacant stare . His tone is sickly green and his face is slightly sunken . Leonardo stoically watches Michelangelo 's clearly lifeless body drift by before slowly moving on . Leonardo is now walking the streets . It is somewhat dark ; there is no one around and none of the businesses seem to be open , with many seeming abandoned and derelict . He doesn 't seem to be going anywhere , just wandering aimlessly as there is nowhere to go . He passes the channel six building ; it is clearly vacant . He decides to rest on a street bench and begins testing his turtle com , but there is no reply to any of his calls and he angrily thrusts the device on the ground , smashing it . Suddenly , the unidentified male voice reiterates , " Are you up yet , " to which Leonardo doesn 't seem to respond , instead just sitting and staring at his broken turtle - com ; " They 're gone , " the voice quietly utters , followed by an extremely loud tearing scream , " THEY ' RE GONE ! GONE ! GONE , " after which Leonardo starts cringing in wild agony , screaming in pain and furiously punching himself in the head . My first thought was that my medication had suddenly and severely stopped working . It was really the only rational explanation at the time . I want to start out with that because , before I explain myself , I want you to know why it 's taken me this long to take action . You see , I have a condition . Well , maybe that 's not the word most people would choose . I suppose most people would say that I 'm batshit crazy and , to tell the truth , I wouldn 't blame them , but that 's really not fair . When I 'm on my medication , I 'm pretty much normal . Eccentric , yes , but nothing for worry . It 's taken me years to get this far , a multitude of failed prescription cocktails , and over a dozen institutionalizes , but what I tell you next is true , is real , and is , most importantly , urgent . I know that knowledge of my past will work against me , but please try to look past that and see me for who I am now . Do I sound mad ? Do I sound irrational ? Ask yourself these things as you listen , and ask yourself what you would have done . It occurred roughly eight months ago . I work the graveyard shift at a 7 - Eleven ( Unfortunately , with my sort of past , it 's one of the only jobs available , but it 's an honest living and it gets the bills paid . . . but I digress ) in Chicago . One of the benefits of living in the city is that I 'm walking distance from my apartment , so there 's no need for a car . As I was walking home , my cell phone went off . I remember thinking it was strange since it was a little after four in the morning , but I wasn 't too alarmed . My friends and family know I work the graveyard so there was a good chance it was someone I know being polite and not interrupting my sleep during the day . Whoever it was hung up before I could answer and I couldn 't call back because the number was listed as private . Shrugging it off , I continued on , only to have it ring again as I got to my apartment door . This time I answered in time , but the line was so filled with static that I couldn 't make anything out . That 's all that happened that night . They may seem mundane and unimportant , but it isn 't . It happened again the next night , the next , and has happened every night since then , including last night , and I 'm sure it will happen tonight . It was the first sign that something had gone wrong , but I didn 't know it until four days later . I had assumed that someone was just prank phone calling me every night , but when I went to see my sister that weekend I found my second sign . My sister lives in the suburbs , has been happily married for the last eight years , and has a three year old son named Francis . It 's become something of a tradition that I take a taxi over to her place for dinner once or twice a month , so my showing up on a weekend unannounced shouldn 't have been a surprise , but when I got there her house was empty . Ah , I can tell . You don 't understand . When I say her house was empty , I mean it was empty . Deserted . Nobody was there , and there were no signs of people having ever been there . There was no furniture , no locks on the doors , and no light fixtures - just bare walls with exposed outlets and bare floors . I told you of my condition earlier . While I had never had this sort of hallucination before , I knew better than to think that what I saw was real . An entire family just disappearing in the middle of suburbia doesn 't make sense , so the logical thought was that they hadn 't disappeared , I just wasn 't seeing reality as it was . I called another taxi , went home , and called my psychiatrist . Three days and innumerable blood tests later , it was declared that my medication was still at full strength in my blood stream and that perhaps I had dreamed the whole thing . It is worth noting that at this point I had tried calling my sister several times and only received a wrong number message . With no immediate options available , I decided to take a friend to see my sister 's house . If nothing else , I would at least have someone to confirm that it was empty . I should note again that this started with receiving phone calls . The day that I decided to enlist the help of a friend , the number of calls doubled . I don 't have many friends , and of the friends I do have there aren 't many who are aware of my condition , so I didn 't have many options to choose from . I eventually decided on Lisa . She knew the most about my past , the most about my problem , and I knew I could trust her not to judge . When I cold her , she told that I was dumb to have waited that long to call her and to get my ass over there so my life could get back to normal . God , I miss Lisa . She was always so good to me . I headed over to her place that evening only to discover it empty as well . Since then , everyone I know has disappeared , one by one , and the damn phone calls have continued to plague me . I threw away my cell phone months ago but to no avail ; pay phones ring as I pass , I find cell phones in my pockets . . . the means vary , but the end is always the same . Ringing . The world continues on , though , even though every last house I come to looks as if it 's never seen a living soul . When I pass a street vendor 's empty shop I can still pick up a paper with today 's date and a new story . That 's why I 'm writing this . If the world can still talk to me , then maybe I can still talk to it . Maybe I can still send out a message , and it is a very important message . You see , I don 't care so much about the loneliness - I don 't even care that much about the prospect of never seeing another living creature again . I care about warning the outside world . Reading the papers has become an obsession of mine , and I 've come to realize something : it isn 't the world that 's disappeared , it 's me . I also know why I haven 't been missed . You see , I didn 't just vanish without a trace , I was replaced . I don 't know what it was that replaced me , but it doesn 't have good intentions . When I said earlier that I 'm okay with the prospect of never seeing another living soul again , I meant it . . . but every time I open up one of the cell phones that appear in my pockets , I 'm greeted by an image of my hand clutching a knife and a slit throat . About two years ago , I lived in a pretty nice house . It had three rooms , a full kitchen , and an attic for only $ 1300 a month . For all of you who rent apartments , you 'd know this is a damn good deal . A large cemetery was about six to seven blocks away , but it really has nothing to do with my story . Anyway , after moving all of my stuff into my new place , I started to explore - all the rooms , all the nooks and crannies and whatnot . I noticed that the room I chose ( I let my mom have the larger room - yes , I live with my mom . Go fuck yourself ) had a small piece of paper above the door . It was placed flat on the wall between the top of the door and the ceiling . All that was on the paper was a few Chinese letters . Now , I 'm Chinese , but I can 't read Chinese for shit , so I had no idea what it said , but I have seen those types of paper before . Basically , there are old traditions about monsters ( usually vampires ) that have a piece of paper attached to their head , hat , or whatever . Google " Chinese Vampires " and look at some of the pictures . That 's what this paper above my door looked like . I asked my landlord ( a semi - old white lady ) about it . She said that the last guy to live in the house was very superstitious , so I brushed it off . I left that paper there , though , because . . . seriously , who wants to mess with something like that ? My room had a very deep closet . It was narrow , but it took a good four to five steps to get to the far side of it . After checking out my room , I headed up to the attic . The landlord previously told me ( or , sort of , warned me ) not to let anyone sleep in the attic . Whether or not this has anything to do with my story , you 'll have to decide . She said it gets extremely hot up there during the summer or something . I had a room , my mom had her room , so it didn 't matter much . I walked upstairs to a two - roomed attic that had the door in - between them removed . The first room had nothing inside , but the second had a couch sitting in the middle of it . There was nothing around it - no tables , lamps , light fixtures , or anything else . Just a dirty white couch in the middle . I decided not to fuck with it or sit in it , because . . . seriously , would you plop down on a couch that the last tenant left in your new house ? That 's disgusting . Everything was sorted out and the place started to feel like home . A few months passed and some weird things started to happen . I would stay up very late , most of the time on my laptop while sitting on my bed , and on a few random nights , my closet door would swing open . Not swing open as in that * creakkk * shit they do in movies . I 'm talking swing open like someone roundhoused it open . The first time it happened , I was scared shitless . My bed was facing the closet , so I looked up , scared as shit , and saw . . . nothing . The closet door was just flat against the wall with nothing but darkness in the closet . There were no demon eyes , no shadowy figure , just darkness . I got up , closed the closet door , and went back to my laptop . This event started happening more and more frequently , and since I always had a window fan installed , I figured it was just some really strong draft . The fact that I couldn 't close my closet door all the way supported my theory - the locking mechanism on it would have prevented it from swinging open like that . As I 'm writing this , I just realized that I should have just put something heavy in front of it . Whatever . I told my mom about it and apologized for the noise in the middle of the night , but she said that she never heard a thing . I found it pretty odd since the door slammed pretty loudly into the wall . A little more than half a year after first moving in , we decided to move out . We found a cheaper , but smaller , apartment and decided to go with it . My friend knows people who work for a moving company , so we hired a few workers to move all our stuff out . While we were packing up all our things , I set up a radio in my room to listen to while I was busy putting everything into boxes . I went to the bathroom , and upon leaving my room , I closed my door . It wasn 't by accident or anything ; I just had a habit of closing doors behind me . I took a piss and went back to my room . I opened the door and stood there for a moment , closed the door , and opened it again . That 's when I noticed that I can 't hear anything coming from my room when the door is closed . The radio was pretty loud , yet I couldn 't hear even a tiny bit of it when the door was shut . This actually weirded me out more than the closet door slamming in the middle of the night because it just didn 't make any sense . Then I realized that maybe that 's why my mom never heard the slams . Still thinking about it , I continued to pack . I went into my closet to get my clothes . I swung the closet door open and held it flat against the wall - I didn 't want to keep opening and closing it as I walked in and out . But the door wouldn 't stay flat against the wall . I would open it all the way , then it would creak back a bit into a 70 degree angle . This is where I started to get creeped out . All those nights that the door slammed open , it was at a complete 180 . The only way it could stay like that was if someone or something held it open Freaking out , I grabbed all my shit in the closet ASAP and threw them onto my bed . I did NOT want to stand in that long , narrow closet any longer . I went up to the attic to check up on the workers . They had just finished clearing the attic and asked me about the white couch . I told them it wasn 't mine and to leave it there . They shrugged , put it back down , and went downstairs . As I turned to follow them , something on the floor caught my eye : an extremely black , seemingly burned mark stuck out underneath the couch . I walked over and pushed the couch out of the way . Sitting there , at my feet , was a pentagram burned into the carpet . It was as if someone had one of those cow - marker / prodder things or whatever they 're called , except it was huge and in the shape of a pentagram . I quickly called the workers back and we stared at it for the longest time . A few " the fuck is this shit " were exchanged , and then a few chuckles from them . I wasn 't laughing . Especially after they pointed out that this pentagram was right above my room . I was going to go downstairs , finish packing , and get the fuck out of this house . As I took the last box from my room , I looked one last time at the room , at the closet , and at the paper above the door . The top right corner of the paper was falling off a little bit . I felt a deep , sudden urge to rip it off , but I denied that feeling and brought my stuff outside . It 's been about three to four years since I 've lived in that house , but I still think about it often . About a year ago , I went to my aunt 's house for my cousin 's birthday . I 've been there before , but on that day I noticed something I 've never noticed before . As I was taking off my shoes , I looked up . Above the door to her house , stuck in - between the top of the door and the ceiling , was a very similar piece of paper . This piece was different , though , as the Chinese letters were very faint , as if it was flipped and faced the wall instead of facing me . I asked my aunt about it and she told me it was a sort of charm to keep evil spirits away . It haunts me now - what if I succumbed to the urge of ripping the paper off the wall ? Is that paper still there ? It was peeling off the last time I saw it , did anyone fix it ? Or worse , did anyone remove it ? She told me what the Chinese letters meant . Literally translated , it said " No entry beyond . " I asked her why she had the piece of paper flipped around , and the words she told me next will scar me forever . " It 's supposed to be that way . The wordings on the paper are supposed to face where evil spirits will come from . " I stood there , frozen . A feeling of enormous dread swept over me . That man , that superstitious bastard of a man that lived in the house before me wasn 't trying to keep evil spirits from entering that room . He was trying to keep something from leaving . If you are the type who eats out regularly , a stranger might join you at the table one day . This stranger will always appear to be of your age and sex , and he / she will only appear if you are alone . No matter what style of restaurant it is , he will always be carrying his own plate of food . After a few seconds , he will look directly at you and say , " You seem like an interesting person . May I know you better ? " Say yes and he will begin to ask you questions about yourself in - between bites . These questions will be innocuous enough at first : what your name is , what you do for a living , and so forth . Should you open your mouth to answer , you will be forced to tell the truth , even if you do not consciously know what the truth is . Remain silent and the stranger will scowl at you , pick up his plate , and leave . You will never see him again . If you do indulge his questions , however , they will grow darker and darker as the food leaves his plate , and it will become harder and harder to resist answering . Do not attempt to leave the table before he does under any circumstances . When his plate is clean , he will stand up to leave , but not before asking you one last , irresistible question : " What would drive you to take your own life ? " You will be instantly aware that you will be able to lie in response to this one question , and I suggest you do , for whatever you describe will come to pass within the week . Those who are canny may use this chat to gain whatever they desire , but know that if the happenstance you name does not drive you to suicide , the stranger will start guessing as to what will . A few years ago , a mother and father decided they needed a break , so they wanted to head out for a night on the town . They called their most trusted babysitter . When the babysitter arrived , the two children were already fast asleep in bed , so the babysitter just go to to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children . Later that night , the babysitter got bored and went to watch TV , but she couldn 't watch it downstairs . She called the parents and asked them if she could watch cable in their room . The parents said it was okay , but the babysitter had one final request : if she could cover up the angel statue outside the bedroom window with a blanket or cloth , or at least close the blinds because it made her nervous . The phone line was silent for a moment , then the father said , " Take the children and get out of the house . We will call the police . We do not have an angel statue . " Finally , doctors have found a cure for the common cold . Parents all around the United States take their children to get this life - changing vaccine . You don 't have children and have always had a strong immune system , so you decide you don 't need this new vaccine , but you can 't help but pay attention to the commercials . " Don 't you hate that sick feeling you get from the cold ? You could believe a simple shot could make you forget about this forever ? This vaccine has been tested again and again to ensure your safety and wellness . Side - effects may include extreme drowsiness , mood swings , and swelling of the lower eyelids . Temporary side - effects are nausea , dizziness , and loss of coordination . After receiving the vaccine , you should not drive or operate heavy machinery for at least three days . " Typical , but nothing extraordinary . You glance at the clock near the television . 7 : 34 . You 're going to be late for work as a janitor at the local public elementary school . You slip on your Crocs , grab your backpack off of the couch , and make your way to the garage . On your way you see the mailman at the mailbox . You always BS with him . He has been your mailman for over twelve years . He tells you that he was thinking about getting his son vaccinated . It 's not shocking ; it seems to be all over the news and the topic of choice for mothers and other adults . You politely tell him that you will talk with him tomorrow . You arrive at the school , slipping on your headphones , and focus on sweeping the floors . You do not look up at any students . Why would you ? Why would you care ? Some time passes and you leave the building after disinfecting every desk and scrubbing every sink in every bathroom . You open the back door and walk to your car . Rage pours through your veins as you see the windshield of your car is smashed . You look and see a boy . He may have been in fourth or fifth grade . He tilts his head forward and raises his eyebrows . You wonder why he makes this face , and then it hits you . His lower eyelids are extremely swollen . You want to confront him , but decide to let him go . There 's nothing he can do for you . Tomorrow , you 'll park in the hospital parking lot on the other side of the street . You see the boy slowly , tiredly , walking away . After about seven steps , he leans up against the brick wall he 's walking next to . You open your driver 's side door , sweep some broken glass from the seat , drive home , and go to sleep . Your alarm clock 's battery died . You walk into the living room and squint at the clock near your television . It 's 8 : 04 . Great , you 're already late and you haven 't even brushed your teeth . You get ready and arrive at work . Your boss , a fifth grade English teacher , wants to speak with you . You walk into his classroom and notice all of the children either slouching in their seats or sleeping with their heads on the desks . He tells you how unacceptable it is for you to be coming in late so often and made you promise that it will never happen again , then excuses you . You walk towards the door , but have your eyes glued to the puffy eyelids of the children . A boy in the front row began snoring on his desk , clutching a sharpened pencil , a pen , and an eraser . You see the teacher nudge the boy and ask him to stay awake , but then the boy 's face twists as he stabs the teacher in the heart with the pencil . You try to scream but you 're frozen in shock and only two words flash in your mind : mood swings . None of the students seem to have noticed what just happened before their eyes . You suddenly gain control of your body and scream for help . This angers the children , whose faces now portray extreme hatred . Some of them charge you with energy you would expect from fifth graders , and others just limp towards you like zombies from the video games you play until morning . Their eyes were glued shut with pus , but somehow they knew just where you were . You run down the hallways , screaming uncontrollably . As you look to your left and right , into other classrooms , you see blood . Everywhere . You don 't know what happened , but you continue to scream . The children from other rooms begin to chase you in a similar fashion as those behind you . Some of them cover their ears and you realize that your screaming is angering them . You decide to stop , but you can 't . Children are coming from everywhere . There is nowhere left to run . There are no adults around other than you . You try to decide what to do , but then you notice blood streaming down your arm . A child has bitten your shoulder and is still holding on . The others see this and begin biting you , too . You are panicking , but the sea of children has surrounded you . You notice that the students begin lifting and carrying desks , similarly to how a rock star would surf a crowd . A girl near you smashes it against your head . You should have seen that coming , you think as you fall to the ground . The children begin to slowly tear the skin off of your face and body with their teeth and nails . After a few hours , the pain kicks in as you slowly die of blood loss . Did you ever see one of those videos where you are asked to look for or follow a specific thing throughout the video ? Then , at the end they reveal that as you were watching , something large and intrusive moved around in plain sight and you never even noticed it ? It 's frightening how often that happens , like how I just moved from the doorway into your room as you read this . A mile or so into the woods by my house is a trail . It 's about six miles long and hardly used ; some parts are nearly impassable because of the overgrowth . I love to run on this trail for precisely this reason , as I can be truly alone , and the occasional narrowing path or branch that requires hurdling is more diversion than detriment . I recently saw the first individuals other than myself on the trail . About three miles into my run , I saw an old couple walking together . They smiled warmly at me and waved . I was shocked to see other people here ; I had thought I was the only one who knew about this place , but I nonetheless stopped and chatted with them . I figured they might be the landowners taking a rare stroll , and it would hardly be tactful to disregard them , as I was a trespasser . Soon , we parted ways - I continued running one way , they continued their slow march in the other , hand in hand , a picturesque couple even in their advanced age . Eventually , I came to a stop at the end of the trail and turned back . After a while , I thought I saw someone lying on the ground in the distance - I accelerated when I realized one of them might have fallen and hurt themselves . As I got closer and closer , I realized that both were lying face down . Luckily , I had brought my cell phone and I called the ambulance , but by the time they arrived , both were dead . Unfortunately for me , the tests indicated they had been poisoned . I was arrested because I was the only person within miles of the bodies . I was the main suspect . After isolating the poison in the lab , it was determined that it was from an extremely toxic berry called Actaea Pachypoda . This exact type of berry plant was later found during the forensic investigation of the trail . The fingerprints of the couple were on the plant . I watched the local evening news that night . The deaths were the main story . It was a beautiful segment about their love and how misfortune tragically ended their lives . It turns out they had both been diagnosed with cancer within the last two months . This was followed by an educational segment detailing the dangers of eating unknown plants such as the Actaea Pachypoda . I watched the news the next night , also . It turns out Actaea Pachypoda isn 't native to our area . The police found a bag full of the seeds in the old couple 's home . I live on the top floor of a five - story apartment building in a moderately big city . My apartment is a one bedroom with a fairly large living room with big windows out towards the street and the opposing building . That building has a small parking lot up front , so it is not directly across from mine , which I kind of like because of the privacy . Being a night owl , I like to sit up late with my laptop . Sometimes I peek out the window at the building across , looking for lit windows and wondering if anyone else out there is doing the graveyard shift . Last night , I wish I hadn 't . I usually sit with my laptop facing the windows . For the last couple of nights I had , in the corner of my eye , been seeing a sparsely lit window in the building across and in it some sort of movement . Last night , my curiousness got the best of me , so I put my computer down and went over to the window to check it out . Surely enough , you could see someone waving , but just barely . The window was dimly lit , but you could definitely see some movement . I thought about it for a second and went to get a pair of binoculars . After some searching I found a pair and went back to the window , putting them to my eyes . I located the window and got a better look at what was in it . It appeared to be a person , lit up by a candle . I couldn 't make out the person 's face , but he was waving . At me , apparently , because after I had locked onto him with the binoculars he stopped waving for a second and then pointed at me . I felt a chill go down my spine . He pointed at me and then made a circling motion with his finger . He kept doing this over and over until I realized he was signaling for me to turn around . I reacted out of instinct and quickly turned around , as if I really were expecting something to lurk behind me . Nothing was there but darkness , obviously , so I chuckled to myself and turned back to the window with my binoculars only to find it empty , except or the candle slowly fading out . I jumped back and dropped the binoculars on the floor , the noise of the impact spooking me even more . " What the fuck , " I thought to myself as I went back to my computer . I put on some music to calm me down and surfed around a bit more until I looked at the time and realized it was about to get light out . I put my computer down and made my way through a small hallway that led to my bathroom . I didn 't have any lights on , but as I approached the bathroom I noticed a flickering light underneath the door . My body froze . Even if I did forget to turn off the bathroom light , a light bulb could not produce that kind of lighting . I slowly walked up to the door , took a deep breath , and lightly pushed the door open . I stepped inside and , to my horror , I found a candle sitting in the sink , revealing a message scribbled on the mirror . My dad had bought us a Scooby - Doo VHS tape of an episode which I can 't fully recall . All I can remember that it was about a little girl 's ghost haunting a whole town . Our parents didn 't go out very much , since my brother suffers from asthma and they were very protective of him , but one night they had this important party thing and decided to call a babysitter . I remember getting upset and telling them that I was old enough to take care of my brother , but they didn 't listen . They left us with this freckly 15 - year old neighbor girl called Amanda or something . Before leaving , Dad gave us the tape , which got us pretty excited , as it would be the first time Dad let us use the VHS player . After they left , we all noticed that the tape was kind of weird ; the art on the cover looked hand - made somehow . Scooby looked REALLY terrified and the ghost girl was really creepy . I remember Amanda calling my dad a weirdo for buying such a thing for us , but I assume he just picked up the first tape he saw . I also remember that Amanda didn 't want to play the tape , but after my brother and I insisted for almost an hour , we finally sat in front of the TV to watch the thing . The episode itself was kind of boring ; there were almost no jokes and it wasn 't that scary , but I do remember being surprised that the ghost from the cover didn 't look at all like the one in the video . I don 't really remember the plot of the episode ; I guess it was pretty much the usual , and Amanda would repeat ' stupid show ' every five minutes . Close to the end , when they got the ghost and were about to unmask her , something weird happened . All of the Scooby - Doo gang stopped talking and looked at the camera with a really sad and serious look on their faces . They stared at us for a very long time in silence ; even the background music had stopped . The only person not looking at us was the ghost girl , but she suddenly lifted her head and stared at the camera with her terrible eyes wide open . The final credits came abruptly after that . We all stared at the TV without saying a word until the tape finally stopped . We were shocked . My brother looked at us and said something like , " Shit . . . I can 't believe Shaggy died . This is so fucked up . " We both looked at him , confused , and Amanda asked what he was talking about . He insisted that it was stupid to kill a character and then bring him back to life in the next episode . She got really nervous and told him that Shaggy didn 't get killed , that the ghost girl disappeared right after they caught her and the episode finished with the whole gang scared to death . Nothing made any sense ; I couldn 't understand a thing . When I told them what I saw , Amanda freaked out . She said at least ten times that it wasn 't funny and left our house , pissed off and , I assume , scared to her bones like we were . After discussing for at least half an hour , we decided to put the tape in and watch it again . We turned all the lights on and pushed rewind . The thing is , when we got to the part when they get the girl , the episode suddenly ends . Nothing happens . They get the girl and there is no unmasking , no killing , and no staring . It just ends there . We stopped the tape and ran to our room . My brother had an asthma attack and I stayed by his bed crying and praying he wouldn 't die . Eventually , we fell asleep . The next morning , my brother started acting like nothing happened . After insisting for about two days , he told me he never wanted to talk about it again , and that was it . It was a car accident . It wasn 't anything particularly remarkable , but fatal nonetheless . You left behind a wife and two children . It was a painless death . The EMTs tried their best to save you , but to no avail . Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off ; trust me . " That 's what I like to see , " I said . " You just died and your main concern is your family . That 's good stuff right there . " You looked at me with fascination . To you , I didn 't look like God . I just looked like some man . . . or possibly a woman . I looked like some vague authority figure , maybe , or more of a grammar school teacher than the almighty . " Don 't worry , " I said . " They 'll be fine . Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way . They didn 't have time to grow contempt for you . Your wife will cry on the outside , but will be secretly relieved . To be fair , your marriage was falling apart . If it 's any consolation , she 'll feel very guilty for feeling relieved . " " So , what 's the point , then , " You asked . " When I get reborn I 'll just be a blank slate , right ? A baby . So all of my experiences and everything I did in this life won 't matter . " " Not so , " I said . " You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives . You just don 't remember them right now . " I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders . " Your soul is more magnificent , beautiful , and gigantic than you can possibly imagine . A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are . It 's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it 's hot or cold . You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel , and when you bring it back out , you 've gained all the experiences it had . " " You 've been in a human for the last forty - eight years , so you haven 't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness . If we hung out here for long enough , you 'd start remembering everything . But there 's no point to doing that between each life . " " Oh , lots . Lots and lots . An in to lots of different lives , " I said . " This time around , you 'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD . " " Oh , sure , " I explained . " I come from somewhere . Somewhere else . And there are others like me . I know you 'll want to know what it 's like there , but honestly you wouldn 't understand . " " No , just you . I made this whole universe for you . With each new life , you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect . " " Every time you victimized someone , " I said . " You were victimizing yourself . Every act of kindness you 've done , you 've done to yourself . Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was , or will be , experienced by you . " " Because someday , you will become like me . Because that 's what you are . You 're one of my kind . You 're my child . " " No , not yet . You 're a fetus . You 're still growing . Once you 've lived every human life throughout all time , you will have grown enough to be born . " Hello there . I am a single father of two three - year old boys . Their favorite show is Barney and Friends . . . . well , it used to be . . . until las . . . |
She complained of difficulty breathing and said that she couldn 't feel her left side from the midsection down . As evidence , she showed us her left thigh . Sure enough , there was a red , inflamed patch of flesh . It looked like the aftermath of a mosquito bite , except several times larger . We thought that a spider must have got her while she slept , but since nearly a week had already passed and we weren 't exactly rich , we decided against her seeing a doctor . We couldn 't afford paying a medical bill for something that would probably clear up in a few days . We were sure it would clear up , as it was only a little bug bite , after all . . . When we woke today , mother was crying . She said that the numbed sensation of her side had indeed gone , but it had only been replaced by a burning anguish . Her breath hitched and was obviously labored . We inspected her thigh and were startled to find that the large mosquito bite mark had erupted across her side . A single mark had turned into several sickly , inflamed mounds that peeled and erupted pus . She claimed it burned . We certainly believed her . My father told us he would drive her to the nearest neighborhood clinic . For my part , I departed for my day 's summer session classes . My mother 's frightening condition danced somewhere in the back of my mind for the rest of the day , but I didn 't dwell on it . Summer classes were coming to an end , final exams were a few days away , friends were planning a trip to the beach , and a small pain in my breaths nagged me . I hoped I wasn 't developing a cold . It was my father . He was in hysterics . Apparently , the doctor at the clinic had taken one look at my mother 's condition and urged her to head to an emergency room . So my father and mother had gone and waited , waited , and waited a little more . Finally , my mother was allowed to see a doctor . That 's where it all went downhill . He took one look at her and left the room . My father and mother were left in that room , confused , when nurses entered . Some drew blood from my heaving mother , others ushered my father out of the room , blowing aside his questions and asking him to wait in the waiting area . He did , but while he waited , he had time to see a dozen police officers rush into the hospital , past the waiting area , and into the direction of the room that held my mother . He told me this last part in a choking sob : he heard gun shots . That 's when I heard him scream . That made me jump in the car seat , my hands taught and white against the steering wheel and my eyes bulging . I realized I wasn 't breathing . On the other end of the line , I heard something clatter . It was probably the phone hitting the floor . Then there were arguing , yelling voices . Authoritarian voices . There was one weeping voice : my father . It was the only time I had ever heard him like that - blubbering something out . I 'll be honest . . . I was disgusted . I wasn 't used to such a weak father . I was used to the man of steel my old man had come to represent . I guess I was confused . I turned off the cell phone and continued the drive home . I was numb , confused , and disbelieving . I got home . . . only , by then , it wasn 't really home anymore . I found the block closed off . Police cars cordoned off the streets . People in bio - hazard suits were coming in and out of my house . In my befuddled state , I thought it looked kind of like something off of the movies REC or Quarantine . It seemed pretty funny , to be honest . It was really funny . . . until I saw them wheel out a body under a tarp and realized from the single exposed shoe that it was my younger brother . I drove until I was out of town , far out of town . I realized then that it might be stupid to keep on driving . Whatever was going on , I had escaped out of sheer luck . They tried to put up a net around us , but only I 'd escaped because of my college schedule . So , what is it ? I 've seen enough scary movies to guess . I 'm infected , but who the fuck knows with what . My lungs are slowly burning and there 's a strange bulge on my back . I haven 't checked it yet , but I 'd bet everything in my pockets ( which comes out to about twenty - five bucks ) that it 's a red mark - a red mark that resembles a large mosquito bite . What is it ? Am I going to die ? Well , it was serious enough that they offed my mom and dad , and even my bro to boot . Whatever I 've got , I figure it must be some serious shit . I wonder what it takes to infect others . . . a cough ? A touch ? A bite ? I walked until I could hitch a ride , then I walked some more . I stopped at a motel after dark and paid in cash . I tried to sleep , but I couldn 't . I just kept seeing my brother 's shoe sticking out from under that tarp . . . that shoe . . . So I opened my laptop and decided to type this out instead . They took everything from me . I 'm . . . going to die . They didn 't have to do what they did . They could have just told us we were a danger to others . They didn 't have to shoot my mother . . . my father . . . I 'm going to take as much as I can before I go . Tomorrow , I 'll spend my day shaking hands . I 'll go into convenience stores and touch the food - maybe cough in it . I 'll lick the public water fountains . I 'll do whatever it takes to bring you with me . So , tomorrow . . . please . Shake my hand . Deleted levels in video games have always been a source of fascination for gamers , and one of the best known examples of them is the four deleted zones in Sonic 2 . Hidden Palace , Wood Zone , Dust Hill , and Genocide City are all listed on the level select screen of a publicly available Sonic 2 beta . Hidden Palace and Wood Zone can be partially played , and there is an old preview picture of what is believed to be Dust Hill . Genocide City , however , is a mystery . Selecting it in the beta will simply load a blank screen where Sonic will instantly fall to his death . The lack of information and excessively threatening name have made this zone one of the biggest mysteries in gaming . Recently , I came across what was claimed to be a more complete beta of Sonic 2 , which had all the missing zones intact and fully playable . I was skeptical that such a thing would exist , since most deleted levels are cut because they were never finished , but the download description claimed every zone had been completed , and removed for an unexplained reason . I started playing the beta , aside from Tails not being present in gameplay ( he was on the title screen ) , the game initially seemed identical to the final version . After completing Green Hill and Chemical Plant Zone , however , I ended up in Dust Hill . Dust Hill was pretty similar to the lone screenshot of it , a standard desert themed level . The oddly slow banjo music in the background was a little unsettling , but everything else felt just like a normal Sonic 2 zone . The Robotnik boss was his standard vehicle with robotic arms holding six shooter guns , although they fired the standard energy bullets . After Dust Hill , I went through Aquatic Ruins , Casino Night , and Hill Top Zone with no differences from the ones in the final game . After Hill Top , I entered Wood Zone . Like Dust Hill , this fit in perfectly , with the exception of some odd textures on carved wood platforms , they looked almost like faces . The music had a tribal feel to it , Robotnik was fought on a few floating platforms above a spiked pit , he used an axe attachment to his vehicle to eliminate platforms and attack you . In Mystic Cave Zone , I noticed the first difference from the final version besides the added levels : I collected the seventh Chaos Emerald in it , and didn 't get any message about Super Sonic , just a " Sonic Got Them All ! " message . I couldn 't turn into Super Sonic either . After completing Oil Ocean , I went to Hidden Palace Zone . It was pretty much like the version in the well known beta , nothing unusual until I got to the end of the second act . Tails was tied to the Master Emerald , Robotnik was hovering above him , doing a laughing animation . Sonic turned into Super Sonic , and ran past the Master Emerald , grabbing Tails , right before Robotnik fired a gigantic beam at the emerald , shattering it . I got a message saying " Sonic Saved Tails ! " , and the screen faded . Metropolis Zone started , I could change into Super Sonic with 50 rings now , and Tails was following me . The rest of the game was just like the normal version , Genocide City Zone never showed up . Everything in the game was identical until I reached the end of Hidden Palace . Tails was still tied to the emerald , Robotnik was still above him . Sonic ran to the emerald to try and save Tails , but Robotnik fired an energy beam diagonally , knocking Sonic back . Robotnik fired his huge beam at the Master Emerald , hitting Tails this time . I heard a loud , high pitched shriek , which I guess was supposed to be a voice sample from Tails . When the beam went away , Tails and the Master Emerald were both gone without a trace . Robotnik did a laughing animation , and flew away . Sonic did an animation I had never seen before , where he fell to the ground and just lay there . The words " You Couldn 't Save Him . " appeared on the screen , and the level faded out . The next zone , as I was expecting , was Genocide City . When it loaded , it was a blank screen , just like the well known beta . Sonic fell to the bottom , and died . I had 14 lives when I reached it , and this falling sequence repeated itself 13 times . When I was down to one life , though , the level finally loaded . The best way I can describe the graphics is a combination of Chemical Plant and Metropolis Zone , with many objects in the background on fire . The music seemed like a remix of the title screen music , but played with nothing but deep bass tones . There didn 't seem to be any rings in the zone , so being down to my last life , I proceeded with caution . There didn 't seem to be any enemies in the zone either , in their place were the sprites for the animals you free from badniks , lying on the ground , not moving . More and more animals appeared as I went deeper into the level , soon the floors were covered with them . The only challenges in the level were some simple platforming sequences , had to jump over gaps in the floor that lead to a burning fire at the bottom of the screen . After going through what felt like a normal Sonic 2 level in length , I reached the goal sign . There was a small gap in the floor before the sign , after touching the sign instead of running to the right like he usually does , Sonic turned around and just looked in the direction of the gap for about 30 seconds . Then he ran into it , falling to his death . I got the game over screen , I had forgotten that I had earned a couple continues earlier in the game . I selected the Yes continue option , but I heard an earsplitting buzzing noise , like games do when you choose a menu option you aren 't allowed to . I tried a couple more times , but the game clearly wasn 't going to let me continue . I finally chose no , and got a game over screen similar to the bad ending in Sonic 1 . Except instead of juggling emeralds , Robotnik was juggling the bodies of the creatures you free from badniks . I had to reset the game to get away from that screen . I was disturbed by what I had just seen , this certainly explained why Genocide City had been removed from the game , but I couldn 't imagine what made Sega even consider doing something like this . Even though I had already played through the game and gotten the good ending , I felt like I had to do it again , that I couldn 't leave the game the way my second playthrough had ended . So for the third time in one day , I started the Sonic 2 Beta . The first oddity was the title screen . Tails was gone from it , Sonic didn 't seem to notice , there was just a bit of empty space the circle both of them are coming out of . I started the game , and it seemed normal until I collected 50 rings and entered the first bonus stage . Instead of rings coming at me , wave after wave of bombs appeared . I dodged them for as long as I could , but finally got hit . Instead of doing his ring losing animation , the 3D Sonic model did a death animation , and the bonus stage ended . The results screen listed 0 for every stat , but the message at the top was different , in solid black text : " You Can 't Bring Back The Dead . " Getting really scared at this point , I collected another 50 rings as quickly as I could , but the bonus stage I entered was identical , ending with the same message . I deleted the beta from my computer , and downloaded it again so I could get the good ending again . I nearly screamed when I saw the title screen without Tails on it , and as I feared I got the impossible bonus stage again . But this time the message was different when I lost : I was terrified , and was clinging to the irrational belief that if I could just get the good ending again , everything would be better . I went on a different computer , downloaded the Beta , and got the same title screen . Acting on baseless instinct by this point , I went into the bonus stage again . The message this time : I deleted the beta from this computer as well . I realized that the computers were sharing an internet source , that there was a possibility this was some kind of trick or virus . I went to my trusty Genesis , took out the Sonic 2 cart I had had for 17 years . If I could just see Tails in it , I knew everything would be okay . But I still haven 't gotten up the courage to risk it . Every rational part of me knows the beta couldn 't possibly affect my cartridge , but I 'm too afraid , afraid of what will happen if I see the title screen without Tails in it . I dream about it every night , but I just know that it could get so much worse . Well , I had to get rid of that computer I watched the episode on . Even after a complete reformatting , it never worked correctly . The episode file could never be deleted from it and it kept opening on its own . I wiped the hard drive clean several times and the episode wouldn 't go away . The sound control didn 't work and it was a laptop , but the power never seemed to run out and I couldn 't get it to turn off . I was going to keep the computer just so I 'd have a copy of the lost episode , but looking at it was making me nervous . I had a recurring nightmare several nights in a row : the episode was playing , but instead of the photo - realistic Bart corpse , it was myself at ten years old . I found a picture of myself at 10 and the nightmare was closer to it than my own memory had been . I swear . . . that picture of myself at 10 , dead , started flashing on the computer screen so quickly that I could never be sure . After that , I destroyed the computer . I haven 't been able to get the episode out of my head , though , and decided to do more research to try to understand it . I found a few people online who seemed to know about it ; apparently the episode aired once in a suburb of Portland , Oregon . I have a cousin who was watching The Simpsons during the first season and lives around there , so I asked him if he remembered the episode . He asked me how I knew about it ; it was a nightmare he had that he had only told his parents about , and I was only a few years old at the time . I told him about the episode I saw and the people online who remembered it . He thought I was just playing a prank on him , and when I got him to look at the online posts about it , he screamed and hung up . He hasn 't responded to any attempts I made to contact him since . Determined to get to the bottom of this , I kept searching online . I found someone who said they had a tape of it they would sell to me . I was nervous , but determined to find out the truth about this and end the matter . I bought the tape as well as a really old and cheap TV / VCR , since I had a feeling neither would be the same after I watched the episode . The episode was pretty much the same as the file I downloaded . . . I don 't want to say anymore ; this wasn 't worth it and I 'd give anything to go back to how I felt when I had the computer with the file scaring me . I destroyed the tape , but it didn 't help . The commercials on the tape . . . I don 't want to remember them . There were monsters from my dreams I had never told anyone about , news promos about tragedies that hadn 't happened yet , surreal computer generated animation that wouldn 't have been possible in the 80s - or now for that matter . A former friend watched it with me , but he saw completely different things , with one exception . There was a seemingly live news report from June 6th , 2013 . In complete monotone , he recited the details of millions of people having died in their sleep , some of them waking up for a few seconds first , rambling incoherently about something that people could only piece together had something to do with nightmares . I 'm sure you can figure out what date was on the tombstones of the currently alive celebrities . There was one difference in the episode itself , though . The " joke " Homer told was completely clear on this version . When it zooms in on Homer 's face , while looking at Bart , he says : Today , I drove my seven - year old son , James , and I into town to go Halloween shopping . I didn 't have to buy any candy this year because we live in a cul - de - sac out in the middle of a farming community on the outskirts of the city . I moved there last year because I had divorced my wife and lost my old house along with most custody of James . It 's okay , though . James and I love Halloween . It 's one of the few times a year that Tracy finds it acceptable for my only son to come visit me . James stays with her on every other holiday through the year : his birthday and everything else in between . I get to see him only on my birthday and the week before Halloween , unless the court finds it suitable for him to come spend the night every once in a while . Frankly , I 'm surprised Tracy let him come shopping with me . He showed an extremely strong attraction to a flamboyant green and purple Buzz Lightyear costume . It 's really typical for a kid to have an eye for the most expensive thing on the rack , but I didn 't have the heart to say no to those profound blue eyes . He also picked out the house decorations . I know we won 't be getting any trick - or - treaters out where I live , but embellishing the exterior of our home was always one of our favorite things to do together . It looks like James and I will be having some competition for the " best Halloween decorations in the neighborhood " award , which sadly , in this community , is only fictitious . When I lived with James and my wife , we won the trophy every year since he was three . Now , my next - door neighbor is really giving us a run for our money . It looks like he did quite the splurge on decorations , just as we did . He must have ordered everything online , though , because aside from the cliche " Happy Halloween " banners and the like , some of the festive treasures found on his house and lawn were nowhere to be seen in the store that James and I went to - which sold primarily Halloween - related contraband . The thing that stuck out most to me was the kite string strung from both ends of his garage door that suspended dozens of expensive - looking bones and skulls several feet off the ground . He had also placed several other bones sticking upwards , perpendicular with the edge of his lawn . It almost looked rather sinister . There was no color or detail , just random bones placed here and there , strewn about his overgrown and unwatered lawn . I think James and I have beat him , though . While walking through my house at dusk , I noticed a quick flicker of movement dash in and out of my peripherals outside my dining room window as I was preparing for James ' arrival the next day . I can 't recall why I chose to inspect was it was , seeing as how I immediately dismissed this movement as a cat or other small animal . I don 't even know if I should be glad that I did . I walked back in front of the window about a minute later and saw the same animation , but this time in the center of my vision . I walked back away from the window and slowly peeked out from the corner of the glass . I made out the shape of the very top of a person 's head peering over the top of my fence and seemed to be watching me . Whoever it was ducked down again right after they realized that we had made eye contact . I backed away from the window . I don 't know why . I crawled over to the family room window , which was about fifteen to twenty feet to the left of where I was and facing the same direction as the dining room window . I stayed , kneeling timidly but curiously grasping the curtain ; I ever so slowly pulled back the cloth , only to reveal the masked fellow who was snooping around behind my property . This time , I saw the entire head . The mask had a gaping , dangling mouth , similar to the mask used in the " Scream " series . The only difference was that the jaw of the mask was swaying about in the wind and that it also had teeth . A lot of teeth of all different shapes and sizes , surrounding the entire perimeter of the mouth . The expression on the mask was plain , and the tone of color was rather pale , with a sight gray discoloration . It didn 't have a goofy smile or an intimidating stare , just a mouth hanging wide open and a couple of perfectly round , beady little chameleon eyes . I don 't really know my neighbor , much less where he gets all of his decorations . I noticed a new ornament of sorts in front of his door today . It was a ceramic bowl full of guts , strategically placed where one would put a bowl of candy if they were too lazy to answer the door for trick - or - treaters . Behind it was one large white piece of paper bound to the wall of his house with masking tape . On it was written , in nearly illegible chicken scratch , " TAKE ONE . " The whole sign had bloody fingerprints smeared all over it . Even more convincing was the bloody tape . . . and the bloody wall . Nearly the entire wall was smeared in brownish red . Spooky . The blood streams all over the place were even dried . I didn 't know they made novelty blood that looked dried like that . I 've only ever talked to this neighbor once , and it was around the time that I moved in . He seemed rather distraught . Wen I approached him , I asked him if everything was all right . He said that he was late for work , which was odd because it was around 8 : 30 PM . I asked him where he worked and he revealed to me that he was a biologist and worked for the military , but said nothing more . It was strange . . . every time I saw him after that , his pants had always ridden up his ankles a little bit more . He was always stumbling around awkwardly and constantly tripping over his own feet . My other neighbors and I liked to joke about him from time to time . I remember one specific instance when he was watering his shrubbery and one of his knees gave out . Backwards , like the way a bird 's leg works . It looked excruciating to me , but he just walked it off . I 've only ever seen him outside again a couple of times after I saw this happen . We stopped making fun of him after that . Last month , as I walked to the mailbox one afternoon , I had heard his kids crying really loudly and frantically . There wasn 't any screaming to be heard , just horrible crying . The crying stopped later , which I was thankful for . I was having trouble sleeping through that horrifying racket . It 's been several months since I 've seen him last . Ever since James arrived earlier this week , he has simply abhorred the idea of removing his costume . Little Buzz has been running ramped throughout the house quoting " Toy Story " and " Buzz Lightyear of Star Command . " He hasn 't changed once since he put it on , except for the time I demanded that he allow me to wash i because he was rolling around outside in the dirt , so to speak . I haven 't sen any more of this weirdo in the mask lately . It 's probably some mischievous kid from the neighborhood behind mine . It 's a cul - de - sac too , just a bigger one . There is a dirt road that accompanies an irrigation canal separating the two cul - de - sacs . My house is the farthest house from the main road , and the canal runs parallel to my fence . There 's no bridge that I know of that one could use to cross the water , though . Maybe the guy just runs track in school . My neighbor bought a new decoration . Why he 's procrastinating so badly , I don 't know . It 's about 200 feet of lights to accompany the 200 feet of intestines he had previously thrown all over the tree in his front yard . The lights don 't coexist with the prior decor , though . All I could smell when I went outside was the burning odor of his literally sizzling ensemble of mix - matched decorations hanging from the tree . When I went outside at night earlier on to go ask him to kindly turn off the lights , most of them appeared to be burnt out , so I went back inside . I 'm going insane . No simple words can properly describe what I believe I have witnessed . Today , I got another glimpse of ' the masked person . ' What I saw this time was not at all what I would describe as a mask . I was sitting in my living room reading . The bay window in my living room overlooks the entire street I live on , and I had my blinds open . I had lifted up my head and looked up and out the window at the nearly dissipated sun because I had heard what sounded to me like an asthmatic individual audibly struggling to inhale accompanied by a restless house cat . After a bit of listening to this unnerving sound , I stood up from my couch and walked casually toward the window . I cupped my hands above my eyes to deter the sunlight and pressed my face against the window . . . and I saw it . It was pursuing a small cat . It ran like an ostrich . Its entire figure was covered in thin hair and big blue veins ; its long , matted , nauseating black hair closely following its flaky , decomposing head . Its flapping , jawless chin bobbinghappily to and fro , occasionally slapping the sides of its scrawny , pale , indisposed neck . Narrow shoulders rhythmically bounding up and down in harmony with its tree branch - like arms , easily giving it at least a five foot reach . Mammoth hands were dragging its chopstick fingers , tickling the ground as it ran . Its emaciated , stilt - like legs completed its horrific image . Altogether , I observed an eight - and - a - half foot question mark with greasy hair practically leaping from yard to yard chasing this poor creature for a reason obviously beyond simple sustenance . One could be no less than appreciative that they weren 't in the shoes of this poor feline . The cat approached a fence on the left side of the street , followed by its lanky predator . It began to scale the fence . The beast then proceeded to effortlessly jump from the sidewalk , clear the 20 - foot lawn , and snatch the animal from the top of the fence with its talon - like claws , as a falcon might . The cat didn 't stand a chance , nor did it even manage a voice to squeal . I now thoroughly believe that the aforementioned beast does , in fact , exist . I 've never thought about calling the police , but we all know how they would never find a " monster . " That is , if they would even respond to such a ridiculous call . I definitely couldn 't call in and report a burglar or anything human for that matter , mainly because they wouldn 't be looking for what needed to be caught . Earlier tonight , my neighbors threw a street - wide costume party at their place down at the end of the cul - de - sac . I didn 't go because I had to work late , and after I picked up James from his friend 's house , we anticipated having a game night with the two of us . My reclusive neighbor stayed at bay as well . Some time during the night , James decided to take a bathroom break . He was gone for over fifteen minutes . When he returned , he seemed excited to inform me that he looked out the family room window and saw what he described as a " really tall weird - looking person with a bag " running patiently to the house where the party was being held , empty bag in hand . They would disappear into the backyard of the house and , seconds later , bolt out of the lawn with a full bag and tear off towards my neighbor 's house , wearing a costume . They repeated this process several times , each time wearing a different costume than before . I looked outside the window , but I could see multiple figures . . . standing around inside the house of the party . I thought of that horrid monster smiling at my beautiful boy . I despised the idea . Next , I tried to envision what that particular smile might look like , though I really couldn 't . I didn 't think a jawless maw that gargantuan had any muscle at all to maneuver that flailing chin in the first place . Lincoln skeleton , so - on ; so - forth . Every one of them was strung up by the back of its neck , feet swinging , head looking down . I really wanted to ask this guy how he comes up with all this and where he gets it all . If he knows that last night 's rain washed the color off of most of his little knick - knacks . I have to hand it oto him , though . The slew of morbid decor in combination with his dirty , run - down , cobweb covered home gives it a true horror movie feel to it . I opened the door . It was my neighbor . No , not whatever lived next door , but the fellow who lived behind me on the other side of the canal . He was disgruntled . He was upset and threatening me about something but none of it sank in because one of the skeletons hanging from my neighbor 's tree was staring right at me , jaw wide open . It was smaller than the other skeletons around it . A gleam of moonlight revealed that a small string tied through a hole bored in the top of its skull was its support . I got goosebumps when I noticed that its eyes were still intact . " . . . I 'm terribly sorry . . . " I improvised . " I don 't know what 's come over me . . . If there 's anything I can do - " I sped off into my house . I bolted down the hall . I began to spasm as I neared the guest room door . My trembling hands applied their convulsing energy to the doorknob , then turned and flung the door wide open to reveal my son , sleeping , facing the wall , just as I had left him . He normally doesn 't sleep with his head all the way under the blankets , but I was too flustered to notice . I jogged , reassured , back out to my bewildered guest . I didn 't know what to think anymore . " Aww , save it . I , for one , do NOT care at all about your problems . You just stay the hell away from me and my family . Ya hear ? " Leonardo wakes up and looks around him before getting out of bed . The picture quality is quite poor and the animation is jittery . There is no background music and the only sound you can hear is a ticking clock . Leonardo then mutters something to himself , but his voice seems muffled and it 's difficult to make out what he is saying . Suddenly , a male voice can be heard in the background , though the voice isn 't recognizable and doesn 't seem to belong to any of the show 's regular characters ; " Are you up yet , " is all it says . It is difficult to tell if Leonardo responds to the strange voice or not , but he leaves his room and heads to the living area of the lair . The lair seems empty ; neither Splinter nor the other turtle are anywhere to be found and the living area is quite messy . He finds a pizza box on the kitchen table , but upon opening it finds a very old and moldy pizza with hundreds of insect carcasses on it . At this point , Leonardo decides to leave the lair and goes looking for his coat . The picture suddenly switches to black for about ten seconds , as if for advertisements ; some say a very faint whispering can be heard if the volume is turned up high . The scene then switches back to Leonardo walking through the sewers . The picture quality is now very poor ; the backgrounds look rushed in their design and don 't loop properly in their repetition . What follows is a scene with Leonardo standing and looking into a sewer stream . He is not moving and the only animation is the slow movement of the water , with what sounds like a dripping noise playing in the background . After a few seconds , Michelangelo suddenly drifts into frame ; he is otherwise motionless . He just seems to be slowly drifting by , face up with his eyes wide open in a vacant stare . His tone is sickly green and his face is slightly sunken . Leonardo stoically watches Michelangelo 's clearly lifeless body drift by before slowly moving on . Leonardo is now walking the streets . It is somewhat dark ; there is no one around and none of the businesses seem to be open , with many seeming abandoned and derelict . He doesn 't seem to be going anywhere , just wandering aimlessly as there is nowhere to go . He passes the channel six building ; it is clearly vacant . He decides to rest on a street bench and begins testing his turtle com , but there is no reply to any of his calls and he angrily thrusts the device on the ground , smashing it . Suddenly , the unidentified male voice reiterates , " Are you up yet , " to which Leonardo doesn 't seem to respond , instead just sitting and staring at his broken turtle - com ; " They 're gone , " the voice quietly utters , followed by an extremely loud tearing scream , " THEY ' RE GONE ! GONE ! GONE , " after which Leonardo starts cringing in wild agony , screaming in pain and furiously punching himself in the head . My first thought was that my medication had suddenly and severely stopped working . It was really the only rational explanation at the time . I want to start out with that because , before I explain myself , I want you to know why it 's taken me this long to take action . You see , I have a condition . Well , maybe that 's not the word most people would choose . I suppose most people would say that I 'm batshit crazy and , to tell the truth , I wouldn 't blame them , but that 's really not fair . When I 'm on my medication , I 'm pretty much normal . Eccentric , yes , but nothing for worry . It 's taken me years to get this far , a multitude of failed prescription cocktails , and over a dozen institutionalizes , but what I tell you next is true , is real , and is , most importantly , urgent . I know that knowledge of my past will work against me , but please try to look past that and see me for who I am now . Do I sound mad ? Do I sound irrational ? Ask yourself these things as you listen , and ask yourself what you would have done . It occurred roughly eight months ago . I work the graveyard shift at a 7 - Eleven ( Unfortunately , with my sort of past , it 's one of the only jobs available , but it 's an honest living and it gets the bills paid . . . but I digress ) in Chicago . One of the benefits of living in the city is that I 'm walking distance from my apartment , so there 's no need for a car . As I was walking home , my cell phone went off . I remember thinking it was strange since it was a little after four in the morning , but I wasn 't too alarmed . My friends and family know I work the graveyard so there was a good chance it was someone I know being polite and not interrupting my sleep during the day . Whoever it was hung up before I could answer and I couldn 't call back because the number was listed as private . Shrugging it off , I continued on , only to have it ring again as I got to my apartment door . This time I answered in time , but the line was so filled with static that I couldn 't make anything out . That 's all that happened that night . They may seem mundane and unimportant , but it isn 't . It happened again the next night , the next , and has happened every night since then , including last night , and I 'm sure it will happen tonight . It was the first sign that something had gone wrong , but I didn 't know it until four days later . I had assumed that someone was just prank phone calling me every night , but when I went to see my sister that weekend I found my second sign . My sister lives in the suburbs , has been happily married for the last eight years , and has a three year old son named Francis . It 's become something of a tradition that I take a taxi over to her place for dinner once or twice a month , so my showing up on a weekend unannounced shouldn 't have been a surprise , but when I got there her house was empty . Ah , I can tell . You don 't understand . When I say her house was empty , I mean it was empty . Deserted . Nobody was there , and there were no signs of people having ever been there . There was no furniture , no locks on the doors , and no light fixtures - just bare walls with exposed outlets and bare floors . I told you of my condition earlier . While I had never had this sort of hallucination before , I knew better than to think that what I saw was real . An entire family just disappearing in the middle of suburbia doesn 't make sense , so the logical thought was that they hadn 't disappeared , I just wasn 't seeing reality as it was . I called another taxi , went home , and called my psychiatrist . Three days and innumerable blood tests later , it was declared that my medication was still at full strength in my blood stream and that perhaps I had dreamed the whole thing . It is worth noting that at this point I had tried calling my sister several times and only received a wrong number message . With no immediate options available , I decided to take a friend to see my sister 's house . If nothing else , I would at least have someone to confirm that it was empty . I should note again that this started with receiving phone calls . The day that I decided to enlist the help of a friend , the number of calls doubled . I don 't have many friends , and of the friends I do have there aren 't many who are aware of my condition , so I didn 't have many options to choose from . I eventually decided on Lisa . She knew the most about my past , the most about my problem , and I knew I could trust her not to judge . When I cold her , she told that I was dumb to have waited that long to call her and to get my ass over there so my life could get back to normal . God , I miss Lisa . She was always so good to me . I headed over to her place that evening only to discover it empty as well . Since then , everyone I know has disappeared , one by one , and the damn phone calls have continued to plague me . I threw away my cell phone months ago but to no avail ; pay phones ring as I pass , I find cell phones in my pockets . . . the means vary , but the end is always the same . Ringing . The world continues on , though , even though every last house I come to looks as if it 's never seen a living soul . When I pass a street vendor 's empty shop I can still pick up a paper with today 's date and a new story . That 's why I 'm writing this . If the world can still talk to me , then maybe I can still talk to it . Maybe I can still send out a message , and it is a very important message . You see , I don 't care so much about the loneliness - I don 't even care that much about the prospect of never seeing another living creature again . I care about warning the outside world . Reading the papers has become an obsession of mine , and I 've come to realize something : it isn 't the world that 's disappeared , it 's me . I also know why I haven 't been missed . You see , I didn 't just vanish without a trace , I was replaced . I don 't know what it was that replaced me , but it doesn 't have good intentions . When I said earlier that I 'm okay with the prospect of never seeing another living soul again , I meant it . . . but every time I open up one of the cell phones that appear in my pockets , I 'm greeted by an image of my hand clutching a knife and a slit throat . About two years ago , I lived in a pretty nice house . It had three rooms , a full kitchen , and an attic for only $ 1300 a month . For all of you who rent apartments , you 'd know this is a damn good deal . A large cemetery was about six to seven blocks away , but it really has nothing to do with my story . Anyway , after moving all of my stuff into my new place , I started to explore - all the rooms , all the nooks and crannies and whatnot . I noticed that the room I chose ( I let my mom have the larger room - yes , I live with my mom . Go fuck yourself ) had a small piece of paper above the door . It was placed flat on the wall between the top of the door and the ceiling . All that was on the paper was a few Chinese letters . Now , I 'm Chinese , but I can 't read Chinese for shit , so I had no idea what it said , but I have seen those types of paper before . Basically , there are old traditions about monsters ( usually vampires ) that have a piece of paper attached to their head , hat , or whatever . Google " Chinese Vampires " and look at some of the pictures . That 's what this paper above my door looked like . I asked my landlord ( a semi - old white lady ) about it . She said that the last guy to live in the house was very superstitious , so I brushed it off . I left that paper there , though , because . . . seriously , who wants to mess with something like that ? My room had a very deep closet . It was narrow , but it took a good four to five steps to get to the far side of it . After checking out my room , I headed up to the attic . The landlord previously told me ( or , sort of , warned me ) not to let anyone sleep in the attic . Whether or not this has anything to do with my story , you 'll have to decide . She said it gets extremely hot up there during the summer or something . I had a room , my mom had her room , so it didn 't matter much . I walked upstairs to a two - roomed attic that had the door in - between them removed . The first room had nothing inside , but the second had a couch sitting in the middle of it . There was nothing around it - no tables , lamps , light fixtures , or anything else . Just a dirty white couch in the middle . I decided not to fuck with it or sit in it , because . . . seriously , would you plop down on a couch that the last tenant left in your new house ? That 's disgusting . Everything was sorted out and the place started to feel like home . A few months passed and some weird things started to happen . I would stay up very late , most of the time on my laptop while sitting on my bed , and on a few random nights , my closet door would swing open . Not swing open as in that * creakkk * shit they do in movies . I 'm talking swing open like someone roundhoused it open . The first time it happened , I was scared shitless . My bed was facing the closet , so I looked up , scared as shit , and saw . . . nothing . The closet door was just flat against the wall with nothing but darkness in the closet . There were no demon eyes , no shadowy figure , just darkness . I got up , closed the closet door , and went back to my laptop . This event started happening more and more frequently , and since I always had a window fan installed , I figured it was just some really strong draft . The fact that I couldn 't close my closet door all the way supported my theory - the locking mechanism on it would have prevented it from swinging open like that . As I 'm writing this , I just realized that I should have just put something heavy in front of it . Whatever . I told my mom about it and apologized for the noise in the middle of the night , but she said that she never heard a thing . I found it pretty odd since the door slammed pretty loudly into the wall . A little more than half a year after first moving in , we decided to move out . We found a cheaper , but smaller , apartment and decided to go with it . My friend knows people who work for a moving company , so we hired a few workers to move all our stuff out . While we were packing up all our things , I set up a radio in my room to listen to while I was busy putting everything into boxes . I went to the bathroom , and upon leaving my room , I closed my door . It wasn 't by accident or anything ; I just had a habit of closing doors behind me . I took a piss and went back to my room . I opened the door and stood there for a moment , closed the door , and opened it again . That 's when I noticed that I can 't hear anything coming from my room when the door is closed . The radio was pretty loud , yet I couldn 't hear even a tiny bit of it when the door was shut . This actually weirded me out more than the closet door slamming in the middle of the night because it just didn 't make any sense . Then I realized that maybe that 's why my mom never heard the slams . Still thinking about it , I continued to pack . I went into my closet to get my clothes . I swung the closet door open and held it flat against the wall - I didn 't want to keep opening and closing it as I walked in and out . But the door wouldn 't stay flat against the wall . I would open it all the way , then it would creak back a bit into a 70 degree angle . This is where I started to get creeped out . All those nights that the door slammed open , it was at a complete 180 . The only way it could stay like that was if someone or something held it open Freaking out , I grabbed all my shit in the closet ASAP and threw them onto my bed . I did NOT want to stand in that long , narrow closet any longer . I went up to the attic to check up on the workers . They had just finished clearing the attic and asked me about the white couch . I told them it wasn 't mine and to leave it there . They shrugged , put it back down , and went downstairs . As I turned to follow them , something on the floor caught my eye : an extremely black , seemingly burned mark stuck out underneath the couch . I walked over and pushed the couch out of the way . Sitting there , at my feet , was a pentagram burned into the carpet . It was as if someone had one of those cow - marker / prodder things or whatever they 're called , except it was huge and in the shape of a pentagram . I quickly called the workers back and we stared at it for the longest time . A few " the fuck is this shit " were exchanged , and then a few chuckles from them . I wasn 't laughing . Especially after they pointed out that this pentagram was right above my room . I was going to go downstairs , finish packing , and get the fuck out of this house . As I took the last box from my room , I looked one last time at the room , at the closet , and at the paper above the door . The top right corner of the paper was falling off a little bit . I felt a deep , sudden urge to rip it off , but I denied that feeling and brought my stuff outside . It 's been about three to four years since I 've lived in that house , but I still think about it often . About a year ago , I went to my aunt 's house for my cousin 's birthday . I 've been there before , but on that day I noticed something I 've never noticed before . As I was taking off my shoes , I looked up . Above the door to her house , stuck in - between the top of the door and the ceiling , was a very similar piece of paper . This piece was different , though , as the Chinese letters were very faint , as if it was flipped and faced the wall instead of facing me . I asked my aunt about it and she told me it was a sort of charm to keep evil spirits away . It haunts me now - what if I succumbed to the urge of ripping the paper off the wall ? Is that paper still there ? It was peeling off the last time I saw it , did anyone fix it ? Or worse , did anyone remove it ? She told me what the Chinese letters meant . Literally translated , it said " No entry beyond . " I asked her why she had the piece of paper flipped around , and the words she told me next will scar me forever . " It 's supposed to be that way . The wordings on the paper are supposed to face where evil spirits will come from . " I stood there , frozen . A feeling of enormous dread swept over me . That man , that superstitious bastard of a man that lived in the house before me wasn 't trying to keep evil spirits from entering that room . He was trying to keep something from leaving . If you are the type who eats out regularly , a stranger might join you at the table one day . This stranger will always appear to be of your age and sex , and he / she will only appear if you are alone . No matter what style of restaurant it is , he will always be carrying his own plate of food . After a few seconds , he will look directly at you and say , " You seem like an interesting person . May I know you better ? " Say yes and he will begin to ask you questions about yourself in - between bites . These questions will be innocuous enough at first : what your name is , what you do for a living , and so forth . Should you open your mouth to answer , you will be forced to tell the truth , even if you do not consciously know what the truth is . Remain silent and the stranger will scowl at you , pick up his plate , and leave . You will never see him again . If you do indulge his questions , however , they will grow darker and darker as the food leaves his plate , and it will become harder and harder to resist answering . Do not attempt to leave the table before he does under any circumstances . When his plate is clean , he will stand up to leave , but not before asking you one last , irresistible question : " What would drive you to take your own life ? " You will be instantly aware that you will be able to lie in response to this one question , and I suggest you do , for whatever you describe will come to pass within the week . Those who are canny may use this chat to gain whatever they desire , but know that if the happenstance you name does not drive you to suicide , the stranger will start guessing as to what will . A few years ago , a mother and father decided they needed a break , so they wanted to head out for a night on the town . They called their most trusted babysitter . When the babysitter arrived , the two children were already fast asleep in bed , so the babysitter just go to to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children . Later that night , the babysitter got bored and went to watch TV , but she couldn 't watch it downstairs . She called the parents and asked them if she could watch cable in their room . The parents said it was okay , but the babysitter had one final request : if she could cover up the angel statue outside the bedroom window with a blanket or cloth , or at least close the blinds because it made her nervous . The phone line was silent for a moment , then the father said , " Take the children and get out of the house . We will call the police . We do not have an angel statue . " Finally , doctors have found a cure for the common cold . Parents all around the United States take their children to get this life - changing vaccine . You don 't have children and have always had a strong immune system , so you decide you don 't need this new vaccine , but you can 't help but pay attention to the commercials . " Don 't you hate that sick feeling you get from the cold ? You could believe a simple shot could make you forget about this forever ? This vaccine has been tested again and again to ensure your safety and wellness . Side - effects may include extreme drowsiness , mood swings , and swelling of the lower eyelids . Temporary side - effects are nausea , dizziness , and loss of coordination . After receiving the vaccine , you should not drive or operate heavy machinery for at least three days . " Typical , but nothing extraordinary . You glance at the clock near the television . 7 : 34 . You 're going to be late for work as a janitor at the local public elementary school . You slip on your Crocs , grab your backpack off of the couch , and make your way to the garage . On your way you see the mailman at the mailbox . You always BS with him . He has been your mailman for over twelve years . He tells you that he was thinking about getting his son vaccinated . It 's not shocking ; it seems to be all over the news and the topic of choice for mothers and other adults . You politely tell him that you will talk with him tomorrow . You arrive at the school , slipping on your headphones , and focus on sweeping the floors . You do not look up at any students . Why would you ? Why would you care ? Some time passes and you leave the building after disinfecting every desk and scrubbing every sink in every bathroom . You open the back door and walk to your car . Rage pours through your veins as you see the windshield of your car is smashed . You look and see a boy . He may have been in fourth or fifth grade . He tilts his head forward and raises his eyebrows . You wonder why he makes this face , and then it hits you . His lower eyelids are extremely swollen . You want to confront him , but decide to let him go . There 's nothing he can do for you . Tomorrow , you 'll park in the hospital parking lot on the other side of the street . You see the boy slowly , tiredly , walking away . After about seven steps , he leans up against the brick wall he 's walking next to . You open your driver 's side door , sweep some broken glass from the seat , drive home , and go to sleep . Your alarm clock 's battery died . You walk into the living room and squint at the clock near your television . It 's 8 : 04 . Great , you 're already late and you haven 't even brushed your teeth . You get ready and arrive at work . Your boss , a fifth grade English teacher , wants to speak with you . You walk into his classroom and notice all of the children either slouching in their seats or sleeping with their heads on the desks . He tells you how unacceptable it is for you to be coming in late so often and made you promise that it will never happen again , then excuses you . You walk towards the door , but have your eyes glued to the puffy eyelids of the children . A boy in the front row began snoring on his desk , clutching a sharpened pencil , a pen , and an eraser . You see the teacher nudge the boy and ask him to stay awake , but then the boy 's face twists as he stabs the teacher in the heart with the pencil . You try to scream but you 're frozen in shock and only two words flash in your mind : mood swings . None of the students seem to have noticed what just happened before their eyes . You suddenly gain control of your body and scream for help . This angers the children , whose faces now portray extreme hatred . Some of them charge you with energy you would expect from fifth graders , and others just limp towards you like zombies from the video games you play until morning . Their eyes were glued shut with pus , but somehow they knew just where you were . You run down the hallways , screaming uncontrollably . As you look to your left and right , into other classrooms , you see blood . Everywhere . You don 't know what happened , but you continue to scream . The children from other rooms begin to chase you in a similar fashion as those behind you . Some of them cover their ears and you realize that your screaming is angering them . You decide to stop , but you can 't . Children are coming from everywhere . There is nowhere left to run . There are no adults around other than you . You try to decide what to do , but then you notice blood streaming down your arm . A child has bitten your shoulder and is still holding on . The others see this and begin biting you , too . You are panicking , but the sea of children has surrounded you . You notice that the students begin lifting and carrying desks , similarly to how a rock star would surf a crowd . A girl near you smashes it against your head . You should have seen that coming , you think as you fall to the ground . The children begin to slowly tear the skin off of your face and body with their teeth and nails . After a few hours , the pain kicks in as you slowly die of blood loss . Did you ever see one of those videos where you are asked to look for or follow a specific thing throughout the video ? Then , at the end they reveal that as you were watching , something large and intrusive moved around in plain sight and you never even noticed it ? It 's frightening how often that happens , like how I just moved from the doorway into your room as you read this . A mile or so into the woods by my house is a trail . It 's about six miles long and hardly used ; some parts are nearly impassable because of the overgrowth . I love to run on this trail for precisely this reason , as I can be truly alone , and the occasional narrowing path or branch that requires hurdling is more diversion than detriment . I recently saw the first individuals other than myself on the trail . About three miles into my run , I saw an old couple walking together . They smiled warmly at me and waved . I was shocked to see other people here ; I had thought I was the only one who knew about this place , but I nonetheless stopped and chatted with them . I figured they might be the landowners taking a rare stroll , and it would hardly be tactful to disregard them , as I was a trespasser . Soon , we parted ways - I continued running one way , they continued their slow march in the other , hand in hand , a picturesque couple even in their advanced age . Eventually , I came to a stop at the end of the trail and turned back . After a while , I thought I saw someone lying on the ground in the distance - I accelerated when I realized one of them might have fallen and hurt themselves . As I got closer and closer , I realized that both were lying face down . Luckily , I had brought my cell phone and I called the ambulance , but by the time they arrived , both were dead . Unfortunately for me , the tests indicated they had been poisoned . I was arrested because I was the only person within miles of the bodies . I was the main suspect . After isolating the poison in the lab , it was determined that it was from an extremely toxic berry called Actaea Pachypoda . This exact type of berry plant was later found during the forensic investigation of the trail . The fingerprints of the couple were on the plant . I watched the local evening news that night . The deaths were the main story . It was a beautiful segment about their love and how misfortune tragically ended their lives . It turns out they had both been diagnosed with cancer within the last two months . This was followed by an educational segment detailing the dangers of eating unknown plants such as the Actaea Pachypoda . I watched the news the next night , also . It turns out Actaea Pachypoda isn 't native to our area . The police found a bag full of the seeds in the old couple 's home . I live on the top floor of a five - story apartment building in a moderately big city . My apartment is a one bedroom with a fairly large living room with big windows out towards the street and the opposing building . That building has a small parking lot up front , so it is not directly across from mine , which I kind of like because of the privacy . Being a night owl , I like to sit up late with my laptop . Sometimes I peek out the window at the building across , looking for lit windows and wondering if anyone else out there is doing the graveyard shift . Last night , I wish I hadn 't . I usually sit with my laptop facing the windows . For the last couple of nights I had , in the corner of my eye , been seeing a sparsely lit window in the building across and in it some sort of movement . Last night , my curiousness got the best of me , so I put my computer down and went over to the window to check it out . Surely enough , you could see someone waving , but just barely . The window was dimly lit , but you could definitely see some movement . I thought about it for a second and went to get a pair of binoculars . After some searching I found a pair and went back to the window , putting them to my eyes . I located the window and got a better look at what was in it . It appeared to be a person , lit up by a candle . I couldn 't make out the person 's face , but he was waving . At me , apparently , because after I had locked onto him with the binoculars he stopped waving for a second and then pointed at me . I felt a chill go down my spine . He pointed at me and then made a circling motion with his finger . He kept doing this over and over until I realized he was signaling for me to turn around . I reacted out of instinct and quickly turned around , as if I really were expecting something to lurk behind me . Nothing was there but darkness , obviously , so I chuckled to myself and turned back to the window with my binoculars only to find it empty , except or the candle slowly fading out . I jumped back and dropped the binoculars on the floor , the noise of the impact spooking me even more . " What the fuck , " I thought to myself as I went back to my computer . I put on some music to calm me down and surfed around a bit more until I looked at the time and realized it was about to get light out . I put my computer down and made my way through a small hallway that led to my bathroom . I didn 't have any lights on , but as I approached the bathroom I noticed a flickering light underneath the door . My body froze . Even if I did forget to turn off the bathroom light , a light bulb could not produce that kind of lighting . I slowly walked up to the door , took a deep breath , and lightly pushed the door open . I stepped inside and , to my horror , I found a candle sitting in the sink , revealing a message scribbled on the mirror . My dad had bought us a Scooby - Doo VHS tape of an episode which I can 't fully recall . All I can remember that it was about a little girl 's ghost haunting a whole town . Our parents didn 't go out very much , since my brother suffers from asthma and they were very protective of him , but one night they had this important party thing and decided to call a babysitter . I remember getting upset and telling them that I was old enough to take care of my brother , but they didn 't listen . They left us with this freckly 15 - year old neighbor girl called Amanda or something . Before leaving , Dad gave us the tape , which got us pretty excited , as it would be the first time Dad let us use the VHS player . After they left , we all noticed that the tape was kind of weird ; the art on the cover looked hand - made somehow . Scooby looked REALLY terrified and the ghost girl was really creepy . I remember Amanda calling my dad a weirdo for buying such a thing for us , but I assume he just picked up the first tape he saw . I also remember that Amanda didn 't want to play the tape , but after my brother and I insisted for almost an hour , we finally sat in front of the TV to watch the thing . The episode itself was kind of boring ; there were almost no jokes and it wasn 't that scary , but I do remember being surprised that the ghost from the cover didn 't look at all like the one in the video . I don 't really remember the plot of the episode ; I guess it was pretty much the usual , and Amanda would repeat ' stupid show ' every five minutes . Close to the end , when they got the ghost and were about to unmask her , something weird happened . All of the Scooby - Doo gang stopped talking and looked at the camera with a really sad and serious look on their faces . They stared at us for a very long time in silence ; even the background music had stopped . The only person not looking at us was the ghost girl , but she suddenly lifted her head and stared at the camera with her terrible eyes wide open . The final credits came abruptly after that . We all stared at the TV without saying a word until the tape finally stopped . We were shocked . My brother looked at us and said something like , " Shit . . . I can 't believe Shaggy died . This is so fucked up . " We both looked at him , confused , and Amanda asked what he was talking about . He insisted that it was stupid to kill a character and then bring him back to life in the next episode . She got really nervous and told him that Shaggy didn 't get killed , that the ghost girl disappeared right after they caught her and the episode finished with the whole gang scared to death . Nothing made any sense ; I couldn 't understand a thing . When I told them what I saw , Amanda freaked out . She said at least ten times that it wasn 't funny and left our house , pissed off and , I assume , scared to her bones like we were . After discussing for at least half an hour , we decided to put the tape in and watch it again . We turned all the lights on and pushed rewind . The thing is , when we got to the part when they get the girl , the episode suddenly ends . Nothing happens . They get the girl and there is no unmasking , no killing , and no staring . It just ends there . We stopped the tape and ran to our room . My brother had an asthma attack and I stayed by his bed crying and praying he wouldn 't die . Eventually , we fell asleep . The next morning , my brother started acting like nothing happened . After insisting for about two days , he told me he never wanted to talk about it again , and that was it . It was a car accident . It wasn 't anything particularly remarkable , but fatal nonetheless . You left behind a wife and two children . It was a painless death . The EMTs tried their best to save you , but to no avail . Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off ; trust me . " That 's what I like to see , " I said . " You just died and your main concern is your family . That 's good stuff right there . " You looked at me with fascination . To you , I didn 't look like God . I just looked like some man . . . or possibly a woman . I looked like some vague authority figure , maybe , or more of a grammar school teacher than the almighty . " Don 't worry , " I said . " They 'll be fine . Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way . They didn 't have time to grow contempt for you . Your wife will cry on the outside , but will be secretly relieved . To be fair , your marriage was falling apart . If it 's any consolation , she 'll feel very guilty for feeling relieved . " " So , what 's the point , then , " You asked . " When I get reborn I 'll just be a blank slate , right ? A baby . So all of my experiences and everything I did in this life won 't matter . " " Not so , " I said . " You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives . You just don 't remember them right now . " I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders . " Your soul is more magnificent , beautiful , and gigantic than you can possibly imagine . A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are . It 's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it 's hot or cold . You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel , and when you bring it back out , you 've gained all the experiences it had . " " You 've been in a human for the last forty - eight years , so you haven 't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness . If we hung out here for long enough , you 'd start remembering everything . But there 's no point to doing that between each life . " " Oh , lots . Lots and lots . An in to lots of different lives , " I said . " This time around , you 'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD . " " Oh , sure , " I explained . " I come from somewhere . Somewhere else . And there are others like me . I know you 'll want to know what it 's like there , but honestly you wouldn 't understand . " " No , just you . I made this whole universe for you . With each new life , you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect . " " Every time you victimized someone , " I said . " You were victimizing yourself . Every act of kindness you 've done , you 've done to yourself . Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was , or will be , experienced by you . " " Because someday , you will become like me . Because that 's what you are . You 're one of my kind . You 're my child . " " No , not yet . You 're a fetus . You 're still growing . Once you 've lived every human life throughout all time , you will have grown enough to be born . " Hello there . I am a single father of two three - year old boys . Their favorite show is Barney and Friends . . . . well , it used to be . . . until las . . . |
She complained of difficulty breathing and said that she couldn 't feel her left side from the midsection down . As evidence , she showed us her left thigh . Sure enough , there was a red , inflamed patch of flesh . It looked like the aftermath of a mosquito bite , except several times larger . We thought that a spider must have got her while she slept , but since nearly a week had already passed and we weren 't exactly rich , we decided against her seeing a doctor . We couldn 't afford paying a medical bill for something that would probably clear up in a few days . We were sure it would clear up , as it was only a little bug bite , after all . . . When we woke today , mother was crying . She said that the numbed sensation of her side had indeed gone , but it had only been replaced by a burning anguish . Her breath hitched and was obviously labored . We inspected her thigh and were startled to find that the large mosquito bite mark had erupted across her side . A single mark had turned into several sickly , inflamed mounds that peeled and erupted pus . She claimed it burned . We certainly believed her . My father told us he would drive her to the nearest neighborhood clinic . For my part , I departed for my day 's summer session classes . My mother 's frightening condition danced somewhere in the back of my mind for the rest of the day , but I didn 't dwell on it . Summer classes were coming to an end , final exams were a few days away , friends were planning a trip to the beach , and a small pain in my breaths nagged me . I hoped I wasn 't developing a cold . It was my father . He was in hysterics . Apparently , the doctor at the clinic had taken one look at my mother 's condition and urged her to head to an emergency room . So my father and mother had gone and waited , waited , and waited a little more . Finally , my mother was allowed to see a doctor . That 's where it all went downhill . He took one look at her and left the room . My father and mother were left in that room , confused , when nurses entered . Some drew blood from my heaving mother , others ushered my father out of the room , blowing aside his questions and asking him to wait in the waiting area . He did , but while he waited , he had time to see a dozen police officers rush into the hospital , past the waiting area , and into the direction of the room that held my mother . He told me this last part in a choking sob : he heard gun shots . That 's when I heard him scream . That made me jump in the car seat , my hands taught and white against the steering wheel and my eyes bulging . I realized I wasn 't breathing . On the other end of the line , I heard something clatter . It was probably the phone hitting the floor . Then there were arguing , yelling voices . Authoritarian voices . There was one weeping voice : my father . It was the only time I had ever heard him like that - blubbering something out . I 'll be honest . . . I was disgusted . I wasn 't used to such a weak father . I was used to the man of steel my old man had come to represent . I guess I was confused . I turned off the cell phone and continued the drive home . I was numb , confused , and disbelieving . I got home . . . only , by then , it wasn 't really home anymore . I found the block closed off . Police cars cordoned off the streets . People in bio - hazard suits were coming in and out of my house . In my befuddled state , I thought it looked kind of like something off of the movies REC or Quarantine . It seemed pretty funny , to be honest . It was really funny . . . until I saw them wheel out a body under a tarp and realized from the single exposed shoe that it was my younger brother . I drove until I was out of town , far out of town . I realized then that it might be stupid to keep on driving . Whatever was going on , I had escaped out of sheer luck . They tried to put up a net around us , but only I 'd escaped because of my college schedule . So , what is it ? I 've seen enough scary movies to guess . I 'm infected , but who the fuck knows with what . My lungs are slowly burning and there 's a strange bulge on my back . I haven 't checked it yet , but I 'd bet everything in my pockets ( which comes out to about twenty - five bucks ) that it 's a red mark - a red mark that resembles a large mosquito bite . What is it ? Am I going to die ? Well , it was serious enough that they offed my mom and dad , and even my bro to boot . Whatever I 've got , I figure it must be some serious shit . I wonder what it takes to infect others . . . a cough ? A touch ? A bite ? I walked until I could hitch a ride , then I walked some more . I stopped at a motel after dark and paid in cash . I tried to sleep , but I couldn 't . I just kept seeing my brother 's shoe sticking out from under that tarp . . . that shoe . . . So I opened my laptop and decided to type this out instead . They took everything from me . I 'm . . . going to die . They didn 't have to do what they did . They could have just told us we were a danger to others . They didn 't have to shoot my mother . . . my father . . . I 'm going to take as much as I can before I go . Tomorrow , I 'll spend my day shaking hands . I 'll go into convenience stores and touch the food - maybe cough in it . I 'll lick the public water fountains . I 'll do whatever it takes to bring you with me . So , tomorrow . . . please . Shake my hand . Deleted levels in video games have always been a source of fascination for gamers , and one of the best known examples of them is the four deleted zones in Sonic 2 . Hidden Palace , Wood Zone , Dust Hill , and Genocide City are all listed on the level select screen of a publicly available Sonic 2 beta . Hidden Palace and Wood Zone can be partially played , and there is an old preview picture of what is believed to be Dust Hill . Genocide City , however , is a mystery . Selecting it in the beta will simply load a blank screen where Sonic will instantly fall to his death . The lack of information and excessively threatening name have made this zone one of the biggest mysteries in gaming . Recently , I came across what was claimed to be a more complete beta of Sonic 2 , which had all the missing zones intact and fully playable . I was skeptical that such a thing would exist , since most deleted levels are cut because they were never finished , but the download description claimed every zone had been completed , and removed for an unexplained reason . I started playing the beta , aside from Tails not being present in gameplay ( he was on the title screen ) , the game initially seemed identical to the final version . After completing Green Hill and Chemical Plant Zone , however , I ended up in Dust Hill . Dust Hill was pretty similar to the lone screenshot of it , a standard desert themed level . The oddly slow banjo music in the background was a little unsettling , but everything else felt just like a normal Sonic 2 zone . The Robotnik boss was his standard vehicle with robotic arms holding six shooter guns , although they fired the standard energy bullets . After Dust Hill , I went through Aquatic Ruins , Casino Night , and Hill Top Zone with no differences from the ones in the final game . After Hill Top , I entered Wood Zone . Like Dust Hill , this fit in perfectly , with the exception of some odd textures on carved wood platforms , they looked almost like faces . The music had a tribal feel to it , Robotnik was fought on a few floating platforms above a spiked pit , he used an axe attachment to his vehicle to eliminate platforms and attack you . In Mystic Cave Zone , I noticed the first difference from the final version besides the added levels : I collected the seventh Chaos Emerald in it , and didn 't get any message about Super Sonic , just a " Sonic Got Them All ! " message . I couldn 't turn into Super Sonic either . After completing Oil Ocean , I went to Hidden Palace Zone . It was pretty much like the version in the well known beta , nothing unusual until I got to the end of the second act . Tails was tied to the Master Emerald , Robotnik was hovering above him , doing a laughing animation . Sonic turned into Super Sonic , and ran past the Master Emerald , grabbing Tails , right before Robotnik fired a gigantic beam at the emerald , shattering it . I got a message saying " Sonic Saved Tails ! " , and the screen faded . Metropolis Zone started , I could change into Super Sonic with 50 rings now , and Tails was following me . The rest of the game was just like the normal version , Genocide City Zone never showed up . Everything in the game was identical until I reached the end of Hidden Palace . Tails was still tied to the emerald , Robotnik was still above him . Sonic ran to the emerald to try and save Tails , but Robotnik fired an energy beam diagonally , knocking Sonic back . Robotnik fired his huge beam at the Master Emerald , hitting Tails this time . I heard a loud , high pitched shriek , which I guess was supposed to be a voice sample from Tails . When the beam went away , Tails and the Master Emerald were both gone without a trace . Robotnik did a laughing animation , and flew away . Sonic did an animation I had never seen before , where he fell to the ground and just lay there . The words " You Couldn 't Save Him . " appeared on the screen , and the level faded out . The next zone , as I was expecting , was Genocide City . When it loaded , it was a blank screen , just like the well known beta . Sonic fell to the bottom , and died . I had 14 lives when I reached it , and this falling sequence repeated itself 13 times . When I was down to one life , though , the level finally loaded . The best way I can describe the graphics is a combination of Chemical Plant and Metropolis Zone , with many objects in the background on fire . The music seemed like a remix of the title screen music , but played with nothing but deep bass tones . There didn 't seem to be any rings in the zone , so being down to my last life , I proceeded with caution . There didn 't seem to be any enemies in the zone either , in their place were the sprites for the animals you free from badniks , lying on the ground , not moving . More and more animals appeared as I went deeper into the level , soon the floors were covered with them . The only challenges in the level were some simple platforming sequences , had to jump over gaps in the floor that lead to a burning fire at the bottom of the screen . After going through what felt like a normal Sonic 2 level in length , I reached the goal sign . There was a small gap in the floor before the sign , after touching the sign instead of running to the right like he usually does , Sonic turned around and just looked in the direction of the gap for about 30 seconds . Then he ran into it , falling to his death . I got the game over screen , I had forgotten that I had earned a couple continues earlier in the game . I selected the Yes continue option , but I heard an earsplitting buzzing noise , like games do when you choose a menu option you aren 't allowed to . I tried a couple more times , but the game clearly wasn 't going to let me continue . I finally chose no , and got a game over screen similar to the bad ending in Sonic 1 . Except instead of juggling emeralds , Robotnik was juggling the bodies of the creatures you free from badniks . I had to reset the game to get away from that screen . I was disturbed by what I had just seen , this certainly explained why Genocide City had been removed from the game , but I couldn 't imagine what made Sega even consider doing something like this . Even though I had already played through the game and gotten the good ending , I felt like I had to do it again , that I couldn 't leave the game the way my second playthrough had ended . So for the third time in one day , I started the Sonic 2 Beta . The first oddity was the title screen . Tails was gone from it , Sonic didn 't seem to notice , there was just a bit of empty space the circle both of them are coming out of . I started the game , and it seemed normal until I collected 50 rings and entered the first bonus stage . Instead of rings coming at me , wave after wave of bombs appeared . I dodged them for as long as I could , but finally got hit . Instead of doing his ring losing animation , the 3D Sonic model did a death animation , and the bonus stage ended . The results screen listed 0 for every stat , but the message at the top was different , in solid black text : " You Can 't Bring Back The Dead . " Getting really scared at this point , I collected another 50 rings as quickly as I could , but the bonus stage I entered was identical , ending with the same message . I deleted the beta from my computer , and downloaded it again so I could get the good ending again . I nearly screamed when I saw the title screen without Tails on it , and as I feared I got the impossible bonus stage again . But this time the message was different when I lost : I was terrified , and was clinging to the irrational belief that if I could just get the good ending again , everything would be better . I went on a different computer , downloaded the Beta , and got the same title screen . Acting on baseless instinct by this point , I went into the bonus stage again . The message this time : I deleted the beta from this computer as well . I realized that the computers were sharing an internet source , that there was a possibility this was some kind of trick or virus . I went to my trusty Genesis , took out the Sonic 2 cart I had had for 17 years . If I could just see Tails in it , I knew everything would be okay . But I still haven 't gotten up the courage to risk it . Every rational part of me knows the beta couldn 't possibly affect my cartridge , but I 'm too afraid , afraid of what will happen if I see the title screen without Tails in it . I dream about it every night , but I just know that it could get so much worse . Well , I had to get rid of that computer I watched the episode on . Even after a complete reformatting , it never worked correctly . The episode file could never be deleted from it and it kept opening on its own . I wiped the hard drive clean several times and the episode wouldn 't go away . The sound control didn 't work and it was a laptop , but the power never seemed to run out and I couldn 't get it to turn off . I was going to keep the computer just so I 'd have a copy of the lost episode , but looking at it was making me nervous . I had a recurring nightmare several nights in a row : the episode was playing , but instead of the photo - realistic Bart corpse , it was myself at ten years old . I found a picture of myself at 10 and the nightmare was closer to it than my own memory had been . I swear . . . that picture of myself at 10 , dead , started flashing on the computer screen so quickly that I could never be sure . After that , I destroyed the computer . I haven 't been able to get the episode out of my head , though , and decided to do more research to try to understand it . I found a few people online who seemed to know about it ; apparently the episode aired once in a suburb of Portland , Oregon . I have a cousin who was watching The Simpsons during the first season and lives around there , so I asked him if he remembered the episode . He asked me how I knew about it ; it was a nightmare he had that he had only told his parents about , and I was only a few years old at the time . I told him about the episode I saw and the people online who remembered it . He thought I was just playing a prank on him , and when I got him to look at the online posts about it , he screamed and hung up . He hasn 't responded to any attempts I made to contact him since . Determined to get to the bottom of this , I kept searching online . I found someone who said they had a tape of it they would sell to me . I was nervous , but determined to find out the truth about this and end the matter . I bought the tape as well as a really old and cheap TV / VCR , since I had a feeling neither would be the same after I watched the episode . The episode was pretty much the same as the file I downloaded . . . I don 't want to say anymore ; this wasn 't worth it and I 'd give anything to go back to how I felt when I had the computer with the file scaring me . I destroyed the tape , but it didn 't help . The commercials on the tape . . . I don 't want to remember them . There were monsters from my dreams I had never told anyone about , news promos about tragedies that hadn 't happened yet , surreal computer generated animation that wouldn 't have been possible in the 80s - or now for that matter . A former friend watched it with me , but he saw completely different things , with one exception . There was a seemingly live news report from June 6th , 2013 . In complete monotone , he recited the details of millions of people having died in their sleep , some of them waking up for a few seconds first , rambling incoherently about something that people could only piece together had something to do with nightmares . I 'm sure you can figure out what date was on the tombstones of the currently alive celebrities . There was one difference in the episode itself , though . The " joke " Homer told was completely clear on this version . When it zooms in on Homer 's face , while looking at Bart , he says : Today , I drove my seven - year old son , James , and I into town to go Halloween shopping . I didn 't have to buy any candy this year because we live in a cul - de - sac out in the middle of a farming community on the outskirts of the city . I moved there last year because I had divorced my wife and lost my old house along with most custody of James . It 's okay , though . James and I love Halloween . It 's one of the few times a year that Tracy finds it acceptable for my only son to come visit me . James stays with her on every other holiday through the year : his birthday and everything else in between . I get to see him only on my birthday and the week before Halloween , unless the court finds it suitable for him to come spend the night every once in a while . Frankly , I 'm surprised Tracy let him come shopping with me . He showed an extremely strong attraction to a flamboyant green and purple Buzz Lightyear costume . It 's really typical for a kid to have an eye for the most expensive thing on the rack , but I didn 't have the heart to say no to those profound blue eyes . He also picked out the house decorations . I know we won 't be getting any trick - or - treaters out where I live , but embellishing the exterior of our home was always one of our favorite things to do together . It looks like James and I will be having some competition for the " best Halloween decorations in the neighborhood " award , which sadly , in this community , is only fictitious . When I lived with James and my wife , we won the trophy every year since he was three . Now , my next - door neighbor is really giving us a run for our money . It looks like he did quite the splurge on decorations , just as we did . He must have ordered everything online , though , because aside from the cliche " Happy Halloween " banners and the like , some of the festive treasures found on his house and lawn were nowhere to be seen in the store that James and I went to - which sold primarily Halloween - related contraband . The thing that stuck out most to me was the kite string strung from both ends of his garage door that suspended dozens of expensive - looking bones and skulls several feet off the ground . He had also placed several other bones sticking upwards , perpendicular with the edge of his lawn . It almost looked rather sinister . There was no color or detail , just random bones placed here and there , strewn about his overgrown and unwatered lawn . I think James and I have beat him , though . While walking through my house at dusk , I noticed a quick flicker of movement dash in and out of my peripherals outside my dining room window as I was preparing for James ' arrival the next day . I can 't recall why I chose to inspect was it was , seeing as how I immediately dismissed this movement as a cat or other small animal . I don 't even know if I should be glad that I did . I walked back in front of the window about a minute later and saw the same animation , but this time in the center of my vision . I walked back away from the window and slowly peeked out from the corner of the glass . I made out the shape of the very top of a person 's head peering over the top of my fence and seemed to be watching me . Whoever it was ducked down again right after they realized that we had made eye contact . I backed away from the window . I don 't know why . I crawled over to the family room window , which was about fifteen to twenty feet to the left of where I was and facing the same direction as the dining room window . I stayed , kneeling timidly but curiously grasping the curtain ; I ever so slowly pulled back the cloth , only to reveal the masked fellow who was snooping around behind my property . This time , I saw the entire head . The mask had a gaping , dangling mouth , similar to the mask used in the " Scream " series . The only difference was that the jaw of the mask was swaying about in the wind and that it also had teeth . A lot of teeth of all different shapes and sizes , surrounding the entire perimeter of the mouth . The expression on the mask was plain , and the tone of color was rather pale , with a sight gray discoloration . It didn 't have a goofy smile or an intimidating stare , just a mouth hanging wide open and a couple of perfectly round , beady little chameleon eyes . I don 't really know my neighbor , much less where he gets all of his decorations . I noticed a new ornament of sorts in front of his door today . It was a ceramic bowl full of guts , strategically placed where one would put a bowl of candy if they were too lazy to answer the door for trick - or - treaters . Behind it was one large white piece of paper bound to the wall of his house with masking tape . On it was written , in nearly illegible chicken scratch , " TAKE ONE . " The whole sign had bloody fingerprints smeared all over it . Even more convincing was the bloody tape . . . and the bloody wall . Nearly the entire wall was smeared in brownish red . Spooky . The blood streams all over the place were even dried . I didn 't know they made novelty blood that looked dried like that . I 've only ever talked to this neighbor once , and it was around the time that I moved in . He seemed rather distraught . Wen I approached him , I asked him if everything was all right . He said that he was late for work , which was odd because it was around 8 : 30 PM . I asked him where he worked and he revealed to me that he was a biologist and worked for the military , but said nothing more . It was strange . . . every time I saw him after that , his pants had always ridden up his ankles a little bit more . He was always stumbling around awkwardly and constantly tripping over his own feet . My other neighbors and I liked to joke about him from time to time . I remember one specific instance when he was watering his shrubbery and one of his knees gave out . Backwards , like the way a bird 's leg works . It looked excruciating to me , but he just walked it off . I 've only ever seen him outside again a couple of times after I saw this happen . We stopped making fun of him after that . Last month , as I walked to the mailbox one afternoon , I had heard his kids crying really loudly and frantically . There wasn 't any screaming to be heard , just horrible crying . The crying stopped later , which I was thankful for . I was having trouble sleeping through that horrifying racket . It 's been several months since I 've seen him last . Ever since James arrived earlier this week , he has simply abhorred the idea of removing his costume . Little Buzz has been running ramped throughout the house quoting " Toy Story " and " Buzz Lightyear of Star Command . " He hasn 't changed once since he put it on , except for the time I demanded that he allow me to wash i because he was rolling around outside in the dirt , so to speak . I haven 't sen any more of this weirdo in the mask lately . It 's probably some mischievous kid from the neighborhood behind mine . It 's a cul - de - sac too , just a bigger one . There is a dirt road that accompanies an irrigation canal separating the two cul - de - sacs . My house is the farthest house from the main road , and the canal runs parallel to my fence . There 's no bridge that I know of that one could use to cross the water , though . Maybe the guy just runs track in school . My neighbor bought a new decoration . Why he 's procrastinating so badly , I don 't know . It 's about 200 feet of lights to accompany the 200 feet of intestines he had previously thrown all over the tree in his front yard . The lights don 't coexist with the prior decor , though . All I could smell when I went outside was the burning odor of his literally sizzling ensemble of mix - matched decorations hanging from the tree . When I went outside at night earlier on to go ask him to kindly turn off the lights , most of them appeared to be burnt out , so I went back inside . I 'm going insane . No simple words can properly describe what I believe I have witnessed . Today , I got another glimpse of ' the masked person . ' What I saw this time was not at all what I would describe as a mask . I was sitting in my living room reading . The bay window in my living room overlooks the entire street I live on , and I had my blinds open . I had lifted up my head and looked up and out the window at the nearly dissipated sun because I had heard what sounded to me like an asthmatic individual audibly struggling to inhale accompanied by a restless house cat . After a bit of listening to this unnerving sound , I stood up from my couch and walked casually toward the window . I cupped my hands above my eyes to deter the sunlight and pressed my face against the window . . . and I saw it . It was pursuing a small cat . It ran like an ostrich . Its entire figure was covered in thin hair and big blue veins ; its long , matted , nauseating black hair closely following its flaky , decomposing head . Its flapping , jawless chin bobbinghappily to and fro , occasionally slapping the sides of its scrawny , pale , indisposed neck . Narrow shoulders rhythmically bounding up and down in harmony with its tree branch - like arms , easily giving it at least a five foot reach . Mammoth hands were dragging its chopstick fingers , tickling the ground as it ran . Its emaciated , stilt - like legs completed its horrific image . Altogether , I observed an eight - and - a - half foot question mark with greasy hair practically leaping from yard to yard chasing this poor creature for a reason obviously beyond simple sustenance . One could be no less than appreciative that they weren 't in the shoes of this poor feline . The cat approached a fence on the left side of the street , followed by its lanky predator . It began to scale the fence . The beast then proceeded to effortlessly jump from the sidewalk , clear the 20 - foot lawn , and snatch the animal from the top of the fence with its talon - like claws , as a falcon might . The cat didn 't stand a chance , nor did it even manage a voice to squeal . I now thoroughly believe that the aforementioned beast does , in fact , exist . I 've never thought about calling the police , but we all know how they would never find a " monster . " That is , if they would even respond to such a ridiculous call . I definitely couldn 't call in and report a burglar or anything human for that matter , mainly because they wouldn 't be looking for what needed to be caught . Earlier tonight , my neighbors threw a street - wide costume party at their place down at the end of the cul - de - sac . I didn 't go because I had to work late , and after I picked up James from his friend 's house , we anticipated having a game night with the two of us . My reclusive neighbor stayed at bay as well . Some time during the night , James decided to take a bathroom break . He was gone for over fifteen minutes . When he returned , he seemed excited to inform me that he looked out the family room window and saw what he described as a " really tall weird - looking person with a bag " running patiently to the house where the party was being held , empty bag in hand . They would disappear into the backyard of the house and , seconds later , bolt out of the lawn with a full bag and tear off towards my neighbor 's house , wearing a costume . They repeated this process several times , each time wearing a different costume than before . I looked outside the window , but I could see multiple figures . . . standing around inside the house of the party . I thought of that horrid monster smiling at my beautiful boy . I despised the idea . Next , I tried to envision what that particular smile might look like , though I really couldn 't . I didn 't think a jawless maw that gargantuan had any muscle at all to maneuver that flailing chin in the first place . Lincoln skeleton , so - on ; so - forth . Every one of them was strung up by the back of its neck , feet swinging , head looking down . I really wanted to ask this guy how he comes up with all this and where he gets it all . If he knows that last night 's rain washed the color off of most of his little knick - knacks . I have to hand it oto him , though . The slew of morbid decor in combination with his dirty , run - down , cobweb covered home gives it a true horror movie feel to it . I opened the door . It was my neighbor . No , not whatever lived next door , but the fellow who lived behind me on the other side of the canal . He was disgruntled . He was upset and threatening me about something but none of it sank in because one of the skeletons hanging from my neighbor 's tree was staring right at me , jaw wide open . It was smaller than the other skeletons around it . A gleam of moonlight revealed that a small string tied through a hole bored in the top of its skull was its support . I got goosebumps when I noticed that its eyes were still intact . " . . . I 'm terribly sorry . . . " I improvised . " I don 't know what 's come over me . . . If there 's anything I can do - " I sped off into my house . I bolted down the hall . I began to spasm as I neared the guest room door . My trembling hands applied their convulsing energy to the doorknob , then turned and flung the door wide open to reveal my son , sleeping , facing the wall , just as I had left him . He normally doesn 't sleep with his head all the way under the blankets , but I was too flustered to notice . I jogged , reassured , back out to my bewildered guest . I didn 't know what to think anymore . " Aww , save it . I , for one , do NOT care at all about your problems . You just stay the hell away from me and my family . Ya hear ? " Leonardo wakes up and looks around him before getting out of bed . The picture quality is quite poor and the animation is jittery . There is no background music and the only sound you can hear is a ticking clock . Leonardo then mutters something to himself , but his voice seems muffled and it 's difficult to make out what he is saying . Suddenly , a male voice can be heard in the background , though the voice isn 't recognizable and doesn 't seem to belong to any of the show 's regular characters ; " Are you up yet , " is all it says . It is difficult to tell if Leonardo responds to the strange voice or not , but he leaves his room and heads to the living area of the lair . The lair seems empty ; neither Splinter nor the other turtle are anywhere to be found and the living area is quite messy . He finds a pizza box on the kitchen table , but upon opening it finds a very old and moldy pizza with hundreds of insect carcasses on it . At this point , Leonardo decides to leave the lair and goes looking for his coat . The picture suddenly switches to black for about ten seconds , as if for advertisements ; some say a very faint whispering can be heard if the volume is turned up high . The scene then switches back to Leonardo walking through the sewers . The picture quality is now very poor ; the backgrounds look rushed in their design and don 't loop properly in their repetition . What follows is a scene with Leonardo standing and looking into a sewer stream . He is not moving and the only animation is the slow movement of the water , with what sounds like a dripping noise playing in the background . After a few seconds , Michelangelo suddenly drifts into frame ; he is otherwise motionless . He just seems to be slowly drifting by , face up with his eyes wide open in a vacant stare . His tone is sickly green and his face is slightly sunken . Leonardo stoically watches Michelangelo 's clearly lifeless body drift by before slowly moving on . Leonardo is now walking the streets . It is somewhat dark ; there is no one around and none of the businesses seem to be open , with many seeming abandoned and derelict . He doesn 't seem to be going anywhere , just wandering aimlessly as there is nowhere to go . He passes the channel six building ; it is clearly vacant . He decides to rest on a street bench and begins testing his turtle com , but there is no reply to any of his calls and he angrily thrusts the device on the ground , smashing it . Suddenly , the unidentified male voice reiterates , " Are you up yet , " to which Leonardo doesn 't seem to respond , instead just sitting and staring at his broken turtle - com ; " They 're gone , " the voice quietly utters , followed by an extremely loud tearing scream , " THEY ' RE GONE ! GONE ! GONE , " after which Leonardo starts cringing in wild agony , screaming in pain and furiously punching himself in the head . My first thought was that my medication had suddenly and severely stopped working . It was really the only rational explanation at the time . I want to start out with that because , before I explain myself , I want you to know why it 's taken me this long to take action . You see , I have a condition . Well , maybe that 's not the word most people would choose . I suppose most people would say that I 'm batshit crazy and , to tell the truth , I wouldn 't blame them , but that 's really not fair . When I 'm on my medication , I 'm pretty much normal . Eccentric , yes , but nothing for worry . It 's taken me years to get this far , a multitude of failed prescription cocktails , and over a dozen institutionalizes , but what I tell you next is true , is real , and is , most importantly , urgent . I know that knowledge of my past will work against me , but please try to look past that and see me for who I am now . Do I sound mad ? Do I sound irrational ? Ask yourself these things as you listen , and ask yourself what you would have done . It occurred roughly eight months ago . I work the graveyard shift at a 7 - Eleven ( Unfortunately , with my sort of past , it 's one of the only jobs available , but it 's an honest living and it gets the bills paid . . . but I digress ) in Chicago . One of the benefits of living in the city is that I 'm walking distance from my apartment , so there 's no need for a car . As I was walking home , my cell phone went off . I remember thinking it was strange since it was a little after four in the morning , but I wasn 't too alarmed . My friends and family know I work the graveyard so there was a good chance it was someone I know being polite and not interrupting my sleep during the day . Whoever it was hung up before I could answer and I couldn 't call back because the number was listed as private . Shrugging it off , I continued on , only to have it ring again as I got to my apartment door . This time I answered in time , but the line was so filled with static that I couldn 't make anything out . That 's all that happened that night . They may seem mundane and unimportant , but it isn 't . It happened again the next night , the next , and has happened every night since then , including last night , and I 'm sure it will happen tonight . It was the first sign that something had gone wrong , but I didn 't know it until four days later . I had assumed that someone was just prank phone calling me every night , but when I went to see my sister that weekend I found my second sign . My sister lives in the suburbs , has been happily married for the last eight years , and has a three year old son named Francis . It 's become something of a tradition that I take a taxi over to her place for dinner once or twice a month , so my showing up on a weekend unannounced shouldn 't have been a surprise , but when I got there her house was empty . Ah , I can tell . You don 't understand . When I say her house was empty , I mean it was empty . Deserted . Nobody was there , and there were no signs of people having ever been there . There was no furniture , no locks on the doors , and no light fixtures - just bare walls with exposed outlets and bare floors . I told you of my condition earlier . While I had never had this sort of hallucination before , I knew better than to think that what I saw was real . An entire family just disappearing in the middle of suburbia doesn 't make sense , so the logical thought was that they hadn 't disappeared , I just wasn 't seeing reality as it was . I called another taxi , went home , and called my psychiatrist . Three days and innumerable blood tests later , it was declared that my medication was still at full strength in my blood stream and that perhaps I had dreamed the whole thing . It is worth noting that at this point I had tried calling my sister several times and only received a wrong number message . With no immediate options available , I decided to take a friend to see my sister 's house . If nothing else , I would at least have someone to confirm that it was empty . I should note again that this started with receiving phone calls . The day that I decided to enlist the help of a friend , the number of calls doubled . I don 't have many friends , and of the friends I do have there aren 't many who are aware of my condition , so I didn 't have many options to choose from . I eventually decided on Lisa . She knew the most about my past , the most about my problem , and I knew I could trust her not to judge . When I cold her , she told that I was dumb to have waited that long to call her and to get my ass over there so my life could get back to normal . God , I miss Lisa . She was always so good to me . I headed over to her place that evening only to discover it empty as well . Since then , everyone I know has disappeared , one by one , and the damn phone calls have continued to plague me . I threw away my cell phone months ago but to no avail ; pay phones ring as I pass , I find cell phones in my pockets . . . the means vary , but the end is always the same . Ringing . The world continues on , though , even though every last house I come to looks as if it 's never seen a living soul . When I pass a street vendor 's empty shop I can still pick up a paper with today 's date and a new story . That 's why I 'm writing this . If the world can still talk to me , then maybe I can still talk to it . Maybe I can still send out a message , and it is a very important message . You see , I don 't care so much about the loneliness - I don 't even care that much about the prospect of never seeing another living creature again . I care about warning the outside world . Reading the papers has become an obsession of mine , and I 've come to realize something : it isn 't the world that 's disappeared , it 's me . I also know why I haven 't been missed . You see , I didn 't just vanish without a trace , I was replaced . I don 't know what it was that replaced me , but it doesn 't have good intentions . When I said earlier that I 'm okay with the prospect of never seeing another living soul again , I meant it . . . but every time I open up one of the cell phones that appear in my pockets , I 'm greeted by an image of my hand clutching a knife and a slit throat . About two years ago , I lived in a pretty nice house . It had three rooms , a full kitchen , and an attic for only $ 1300 a month . For all of you who rent apartments , you 'd know this is a damn good deal . A large cemetery was about six to seven blocks away , but it really has nothing to do with my story . Anyway , after moving all of my stuff into my new place , I started to explore - all the rooms , all the nooks and crannies and whatnot . I noticed that the room I chose ( I let my mom have the larger room - yes , I live with my mom . Go fuck yourself ) had a small piece of paper above the door . It was placed flat on the wall between the top of the door and the ceiling . All that was on the paper was a few Chinese letters . Now , I 'm Chinese , but I can 't read Chinese for shit , so I had no idea what it said , but I have seen those types of paper before . Basically , there are old traditions about monsters ( usually vampires ) that have a piece of paper attached to their head , hat , or whatever . Google " Chinese Vampires " and look at some of the pictures . That 's what this paper above my door looked like . I asked my landlord ( a semi - old white lady ) about it . She said that the last guy to live in the house was very superstitious , so I brushed it off . I left that paper there , though , because . . . seriously , who wants to mess with something like that ? My room had a very deep closet . It was narrow , but it took a good four to five steps to get to the far side of it . After checking out my room , I headed up to the attic . The landlord previously told me ( or , sort of , warned me ) not to let anyone sleep in the attic . Whether or not this has anything to do with my story , you 'll have to decide . She said it gets extremely hot up there during the summer or something . I had a room , my mom had her room , so it didn 't matter much . I walked upstairs to a two - roomed attic that had the door in - between them removed . The first room had nothing inside , but the second had a couch sitting in the middle of it . There was nothing around it - no tables , lamps , light fixtures , or anything else . Just a dirty white couch in the middle . I decided not to fuck with it or sit in it , because . . . seriously , would you plop down on a couch that the last tenant left in your new house ? That 's disgusting . Everything was sorted out and the place started to feel like home . A few months passed and some weird things started to happen . I would stay up very late , most of the time on my laptop while sitting on my bed , and on a few random nights , my closet door would swing open . Not swing open as in that * creakkk * shit they do in movies . I 'm talking swing open like someone roundhoused it open . The first time it happened , I was scared shitless . My bed was facing the closet , so I looked up , scared as shit , and saw . . . nothing . The closet door was just flat against the wall with nothing but darkness in the closet . There were no demon eyes , no shadowy figure , just darkness . I got up , closed the closet door , and went back to my laptop . This event started happening more and more frequently , and since I always had a window fan installed , I figured it was just some really strong draft . The fact that I couldn 't close my closet door all the way supported my theory - the locking mechanism on it would have prevented it from swinging open like that . As I 'm writing this , I just realized that I should have just put something heavy in front of it . Whatever . I told my mom about it and apologized for the noise in the middle of the night , but she said that she never heard a thing . I found it pretty odd since the door slammed pretty loudly into the wall . A little more than half a year after first moving in , we decided to move out . We found a cheaper , but smaller , apartment and decided to go with it . My friend knows people who work for a moving company , so we hired a few workers to move all our stuff out . While we were packing up all our things , I set up a radio in my room to listen to while I was busy putting everything into boxes . I went to the bathroom , and upon leaving my room , I closed my door . It wasn 't by accident or anything ; I just had a habit of closing doors behind me . I took a piss and went back to my room . I opened the door and stood there for a moment , closed the door , and opened it again . That 's when I noticed that I can 't hear anything coming from my room when the door is closed . The radio was pretty loud , yet I couldn 't hear even a tiny bit of it when the door was shut . This actually weirded me out more than the closet door slamming in the middle of the night because it just didn 't make any sense . Then I realized that maybe that 's why my mom never heard the slams . Still thinking about it , I continued to pack . I went into my closet to get my clothes . I swung the closet door open and held it flat against the wall - I didn 't want to keep opening and closing it as I walked in and out . But the door wouldn 't stay flat against the wall . I would open it all the way , then it would creak back a bit into a 70 degree angle . This is where I started to get creeped out . All those nights that the door slammed open , it was at a complete 180 . The only way it could stay like that was if someone or something held it open Freaking out , I grabbed all my shit in the closet ASAP and threw them onto my bed . I did NOT want to stand in that long , narrow closet any longer . I went up to the attic to check up on the workers . They had just finished clearing the attic and asked me about the white couch . I told them it wasn 't mine and to leave it there . They shrugged , put it back down , and went downstairs . As I turned to follow them , something on the floor caught my eye : an extremely black , seemingly burned mark stuck out underneath the couch . I walked over and pushed the couch out of the way . Sitting there , at my feet , was a pentagram burned into the carpet . It was as if someone had one of those cow - marker / prodder things or whatever they 're called , except it was huge and in the shape of a pentagram . I quickly called the workers back and we stared at it for the longest time . A few " the fuck is this shit " were exchanged , and then a few chuckles from them . I wasn 't laughing . Especially after they pointed out that this pentagram was right above my room . I was going to go downstairs , finish packing , and get the fuck out of this house . As I took the last box from my room , I looked one last time at the room , at the closet , and at the paper above the door . The top right corner of the paper was falling off a little bit . I felt a deep , sudden urge to rip it off , but I denied that feeling and brought my stuff outside . It 's been about three to four years since I 've lived in that house , but I still think about it often . About a year ago , I went to my aunt 's house for my cousin 's birthday . I 've been there before , but on that day I noticed something I 've never noticed before . As I was taking off my shoes , I looked up . Above the door to her house , stuck in - between the top of the door and the ceiling , was a very similar piece of paper . This piece was different , though , as the Chinese letters were very faint , as if it was flipped and faced the wall instead of facing me . I asked my aunt about it and she told me it was a sort of charm to keep evil spirits away . It haunts me now - what if I succumbed to the urge of ripping the paper off the wall ? Is that paper still there ? It was peeling off the last time I saw it , did anyone fix it ? Or worse , did anyone remove it ? She told me what the Chinese letters meant . Literally translated , it said " No entry beyond . " I asked her why she had the piece of paper flipped around , and the words she told me next will scar me forever . " It 's supposed to be that way . The wordings on the paper are supposed to face where evil spirits will come from . " I stood there , frozen . A feeling of enormous dread swept over me . That man , that superstitious bastard of a man that lived in the house before me wasn 't trying to keep evil spirits from entering that room . He was trying to keep something from leaving . If you are the type who eats out regularly , a stranger might join you at the table one day . This stranger will always appear to be of your age and sex , and he / she will only appear if you are alone . No matter what style of restaurant it is , he will always be carrying his own plate of food . After a few seconds , he will look directly at you and say , " You seem like an interesting person . May I know you better ? " Say yes and he will begin to ask you questions about yourself in - between bites . These questions will be innocuous enough at first : what your name is , what you do for a living , and so forth . Should you open your mouth to answer , you will be forced to tell the truth , even if you do not consciously know what the truth is . Remain silent and the stranger will scowl at you , pick up his plate , and leave . You will never see him again . If you do indulge his questions , however , they will grow darker and darker as the food leaves his plate , and it will become harder and harder to resist answering . Do not attempt to leave the table before he does under any circumstances . When his plate is clean , he will stand up to leave , but not before asking you one last , irresistible question : " What would drive you to take your own life ? " You will be instantly aware that you will be able to lie in response to this one question , and I suggest you do , for whatever you describe will come to pass within the week . Those who are canny may use this chat to gain whatever they desire , but know that if the happenstance you name does not drive you to suicide , the stranger will start guessing as to what will . A few years ago , a mother and father decided they needed a break , so they wanted to head out for a night on the town . They called their most trusted babysitter . When the babysitter arrived , the two children were already fast asleep in bed , so the babysitter just go to to sit around and make sure everything was okay with the children . Later that night , the babysitter got bored and went to watch TV , but she couldn 't watch it downstairs . She called the parents and asked them if she could watch cable in their room . The parents said it was okay , but the babysitter had one final request : if she could cover up the angel statue outside the bedroom window with a blanket or cloth , or at least close the blinds because it made her nervous . The phone line was silent for a moment , then the father said , " Take the children and get out of the house . We will call the police . We do not have an angel statue . " Finally , doctors have found a cure for the common cold . Parents all around the United States take their children to get this life - changing vaccine . You don 't have children and have always had a strong immune system , so you decide you don 't need this new vaccine , but you can 't help but pay attention to the commercials . " Don 't you hate that sick feeling you get from the cold ? You could believe a simple shot could make you forget about this forever ? This vaccine has been tested again and again to ensure your safety and wellness . Side - effects may include extreme drowsiness , mood swings , and swelling of the lower eyelids . Temporary side - effects are nausea , dizziness , and loss of coordination . After receiving the vaccine , you should not drive or operate heavy machinery for at least three days . " Typical , but nothing extraordinary . You glance at the clock near the television . 7 : 34 . You 're going to be late for work as a janitor at the local public elementary school . You slip on your Crocs , grab your backpack off of the couch , and make your way to the garage . On your way you see the mailman at the mailbox . You always BS with him . He has been your mailman for over twelve years . He tells you that he was thinking about getting his son vaccinated . It 's not shocking ; it seems to be all over the news and the topic of choice for mothers and other adults . You politely tell him that you will talk with him tomorrow . You arrive at the school , slipping on your headphones , and focus on sweeping the floors . You do not look up at any students . Why would you ? Why would you care ? Some time passes and you leave the building after disinfecting every desk and scrubbing every sink in every bathroom . You open the back door and walk to your car . Rage pours through your veins as you see the windshield of your car is smashed . You look and see a boy . He may have been in fourth or fifth grade . He tilts his head forward and raises his eyebrows . You wonder why he makes this face , and then it hits you . His lower eyelids are extremely swollen . You want to confront him , but decide to let him go . There 's nothing he can do for you . Tomorrow , you 'll park in the hospital parking lot on the other side of the street . You see the boy slowly , tiredly , walking away . After about seven steps , he leans up against the brick wall he 's walking next to . You open your driver 's side door , sweep some broken glass from the seat , drive home , and go to sleep . Your alarm clock 's battery died . You walk into the living room and squint at the clock near your television . It 's 8 : 04 . Great , you 're already late and you haven 't even brushed your teeth . You get ready and arrive at work . Your boss , a fifth grade English teacher , wants to speak with you . You walk into his classroom and notice all of the children either slouching in their seats or sleeping with their heads on the desks . He tells you how unacceptable it is for you to be coming in late so often and made you promise that it will never happen again , then excuses you . You walk towards the door , but have your eyes glued to the puffy eyelids of the children . A boy in the front row began snoring on his desk , clutching a sharpened pencil , a pen , and an eraser . You see the teacher nudge the boy and ask him to stay awake , but then the boy 's face twists as he stabs the teacher in the heart with the pencil . You try to scream but you 're frozen in shock and only two words flash in your mind : mood swings . None of the students seem to have noticed what just happened before their eyes . You suddenly gain control of your body and scream for help . This angers the children , whose faces now portray extreme hatred . Some of them charge you with energy you would expect from fifth graders , and others just limp towards you like zombies from the video games you play until morning . Their eyes were glued shut with pus , but somehow they knew just where you were . You run down the hallways , screaming uncontrollably . As you look to your left and right , into other classrooms , you see blood . Everywhere . You don 't know what happened , but you continue to scream . The children from other rooms begin to chase you in a similar fashion as those behind you . Some of them cover their ears and you realize that your screaming is angering them . You decide to stop , but you can 't . Children are coming from everywhere . There is nowhere left to run . There are no adults around other than you . You try to decide what to do , but then you notice blood streaming down your arm . A child has bitten your shoulder and is still holding on . The others see this and begin biting you , too . You are panicking , but the sea of children has surrounded you . You notice that the students begin lifting and carrying desks , similarly to how a rock star would surf a crowd . A girl near you smashes it against your head . You should have seen that coming , you think as you fall to the ground . The children begin to slowly tear the skin off of your face and body with their teeth and nails . After a few hours , the pain kicks in as you slowly die of blood loss . Did you ever see one of those videos where you are asked to look for or follow a specific thing throughout the video ? Then , at the end they reveal that as you were watching , something large and intrusive moved around in plain sight and you never even noticed it ? It 's frightening how often that happens , like how I just moved from the doorway into your room as you read this . A mile or so into the woods by my house is a trail . It 's about six miles long and hardly used ; some parts are nearly impassable because of the overgrowth . I love to run on this trail for precisely this reason , as I can be truly alone , and the occasional narrowing path or branch that requires hurdling is more diversion than detriment . I recently saw the first individuals other than myself on the trail . About three miles into my run , I saw an old couple walking together . They smiled warmly at me and waved . I was shocked to see other people here ; I had thought I was the only one who knew about this place , but I nonetheless stopped and chatted with them . I figured they might be the landowners taking a rare stroll , and it would hardly be tactful to disregard them , as I was a trespasser . Soon , we parted ways - I continued running one way , they continued their slow march in the other , hand in hand , a picturesque couple even in their advanced age . Eventually , I came to a stop at the end of the trail and turned back . After a while , I thought I saw someone lying on the ground in the distance - I accelerated when I realized one of them might have fallen and hurt themselves . As I got closer and closer , I realized that both were lying face down . Luckily , I had brought my cell phone and I called the ambulance , but by the time they arrived , both were dead . Unfortunately for me , the tests indicated they had been poisoned . I was arrested because I was the only person within miles of the bodies . I was the main suspect . After isolating the poison in the lab , it was determined that it was from an extremely toxic berry called Actaea Pachypoda . This exact type of berry plant was later found during the forensic investigation of the trail . The fingerprints of the couple were on the plant . I watched the local evening news that night . The deaths were the main story . It was a beautiful segment about their love and how misfortune tragically ended their lives . It turns out they had both been diagnosed with cancer within the last two months . This was followed by an educational segment detailing the dangers of eating unknown plants such as the Actaea Pachypoda . I watched the news the next night , also . It turns out Actaea Pachypoda isn 't native to our area . The police found a bag full of the seeds in the old couple 's home . I live on the top floor of a five - story apartment building in a moderately big city . My apartment is a one bedroom with a fairly large living room with big windows out towards the street and the opposing building . That building has a small parking lot up front , so it is not directly across from mine , which I kind of like because of the privacy . Being a night owl , I like to sit up late with my laptop . Sometimes I peek out the window at the building across , looking for lit windows and wondering if anyone else out there is doing the graveyard shift . Last night , I wish I hadn 't . I usually sit with my laptop facing the windows . For the last couple of nights I had , in the corner of my eye , been seeing a sparsely lit window in the building across and in it some sort of movement . Last night , my curiousness got the best of me , so I put my computer down and went over to the window to check it out . Surely enough , you could see someone waving , but just barely . The window was dimly lit , but you could definitely see some movement . I thought about it for a second and went to get a pair of binoculars . After some searching I found a pair and went back to the window , putting them to my eyes . I located the window and got a better look at what was in it . It appeared to be a person , lit up by a candle . I couldn 't make out the person 's face , but he was waving . At me , apparently , because after I had locked onto him with the binoculars he stopped waving for a second and then pointed at me . I felt a chill go down my spine . He pointed at me and then made a circling motion with his finger . He kept doing this over and over until I realized he was signaling for me to turn around . I reacted out of instinct and quickly turned around , as if I really were expecting something to lurk behind me . Nothing was there but darkness , obviously , so I chuckled to myself and turned back to the window with my binoculars only to find it empty , except or the candle slowly fading out . I jumped back and dropped the binoculars on the floor , the noise of the impact spooking me even more . " What the fuck , " I thought to myself as I went back to my computer . I put on some music to calm me down and surfed around a bit more until I looked at the time and realized it was about to get light out . I put my computer down and made my way through a small hallway that led to my bathroom . I didn 't have any lights on , but as I approached the bathroom I noticed a flickering light underneath the door . My body froze . Even if I did forget to turn off the bathroom light , a light bulb could not produce that kind of lighting . I slowly walked up to the door , took a deep breath , and lightly pushed the door open . I stepped inside and , to my horror , I found a candle sitting in the sink , revealing a message scribbled on the mirror . My dad had bought us a Scooby - Doo VHS tape of an episode which I can 't fully recall . All I can remember that it was about a little girl 's ghost haunting a whole town . Our parents didn 't go out very much , since my brother suffers from asthma and they were very protective of him , but one night they had this important party thing and decided to call a babysitter . I remember getting upset and telling them that I was old enough to take care of my brother , but they didn 't listen . They left us with this freckly 15 - year old neighbor girl called Amanda or something . Before leaving , Dad gave us the tape , which got us pretty excited , as it would be the first time Dad let us use the VHS player . After they left , we all noticed that the tape was kind of weird ; the art on the cover looked hand - made somehow . Scooby looked REALLY terrified and the ghost girl was really creepy . I remember Amanda calling my dad a weirdo for buying such a thing for us , but I assume he just picked up the first tape he saw . I also remember that Amanda didn 't want to play the tape , but after my brother and I insisted for almost an hour , we finally sat in front of the TV to watch the thing . The episode itself was kind of boring ; there were almost no jokes and it wasn 't that scary , but I do remember being surprised that the ghost from the cover didn 't look at all like the one in the video . I don 't really remember the plot of the episode ; I guess it was pretty much the usual , and Amanda would repeat ' stupid show ' every five minutes . Close to the end , when they got the ghost and were about to unmask her , something weird happened . All of the Scooby - Doo gang stopped talking and looked at the camera with a really sad and serious look on their faces . They stared at us for a very long time in silence ; even the background music had stopped . The only person not looking at us was the ghost girl , but she suddenly lifted her head and stared at the camera with her terrible eyes wide open . The final credits came abruptly after that . We all stared at the TV without saying a word until the tape finally stopped . We were shocked . My brother looked at us and said something like , " Shit . . . I can 't believe Shaggy died . This is so fucked up . " We both looked at him , confused , and Amanda asked what he was talking about . He insisted that it was stupid to kill a character and then bring him back to life in the next episode . She got really nervous and told him that Shaggy didn 't get killed , that the ghost girl disappeared right after they caught her and the episode finished with the whole gang scared to death . Nothing made any sense ; I couldn 't understand a thing . When I told them what I saw , Amanda freaked out . She said at least ten times that it wasn 't funny and left our house , pissed off and , I assume , scared to her bones like we were . After discussing for at least half an hour , we decided to put the tape in and watch it again . We turned all the lights on and pushed rewind . The thing is , when we got to the part when they get the girl , the episode suddenly ends . Nothing happens . They get the girl and there is no unmasking , no killing , and no staring . It just ends there . We stopped the tape and ran to our room . My brother had an asthma attack and I stayed by his bed crying and praying he wouldn 't die . Eventually , we fell asleep . The next morning , my brother started acting like nothing happened . After insisting for about two days , he told me he never wanted to talk about it again , and that was it . It was a car accident . It wasn 't anything particularly remarkable , but fatal nonetheless . You left behind a wife and two children . It was a painless death . The EMTs tried their best to save you , but to no avail . Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off ; trust me . " That 's what I like to see , " I said . " You just died and your main concern is your family . That 's good stuff right there . " You looked at me with fascination . To you , I didn 't look like God . I just looked like some man . . . or possibly a woman . I looked like some vague authority figure , maybe , or more of a grammar school teacher than the almighty . " Don 't worry , " I said . " They 'll be fine . Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way . They didn 't have time to grow contempt for you . Your wife will cry on the outside , but will be secretly relieved . To be fair , your marriage was falling apart . If it 's any consolation , she 'll feel very guilty for feeling relieved . " " So , what 's the point , then , " You asked . " When I get reborn I 'll just be a blank slate , right ? A baby . So all of my experiences and everything I did in this life won 't matter . " " Not so , " I said . " You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives . You just don 't remember them right now . " I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders . " Your soul is more magnificent , beautiful , and gigantic than you can possibly imagine . A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are . It 's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it 's hot or cold . You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel , and when you bring it back out , you 've gained all the experiences it had . " " You 've been in a human for the last forty - eight years , so you haven 't stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness . If we hung out here for long enough , you 'd start remembering everything . But there 's no point to doing that between each life . " " Oh , lots . Lots and lots . An in to lots of different lives , " I said . " This time around , you 'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD . " " Oh , sure , " I explained . " I come from somewhere . Somewhere else . And there are others like me . I know you 'll want to know what it 's like there , but honestly you wouldn 't understand . " " No , just you . I made this whole universe for you . With each new life , you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect . " " Every time you victimized someone , " I said . " You were victimizing yourself . Every act of kindness you 've done , you 've done to yourself . Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was , or will be , experienced by you . " " Because someday , you will become like me . Because that 's what you are . You 're one of my kind . You 're my child . " " No , not yet . You 're a fetus . You 're still growing . Once you 've lived every human life throughout all time , you will have grown enough to be born . " Hello there . I am a single father of two three - year old boys . Their favorite show is Barney and Friends . . . . well , it used to be . . . until las . . . |
The nightmares have started again β¦ . I was sure that dream was gone forever β¦ I haven 't had it about 10 years β¦ . It took me almost 10 years to get the last of that demon out of my sub - conscience . I was sure that I would never feel that fear again β¦ Sat . Night , the dream demon visited me in my sleep , as he did last Sat β¦ In anticipation for the Sunday to follow β¦ And this morning , Sunday morning , while brushing my hair , I saw that old fear in the eyes that stared back at me from the mirror . Fear . . Terror ! My stomach lurched when I recognized the terror in my eyes . How could I go there again on Sunday ? I knew what would happen . I knew " he " would come into to the restaurant where I work and I knew what would happen β¦ How could I go and face that again ? I picked up the phone β¦ What could I say ? What lie could I use to get me the day off ? What about next week . . The week after ? How many weeks could I call out from work and not get fired ? How long could I keep this job when I had to face this terror every Sunday ? It was asking these questions that made me realize I had to go today . This day would decide my future β¦ I would ether face this fear head on or I 'd run away screaming and allow this demon to destroy my life β¦ Yet again ! My logical Brain argued with my fear β¦ I 'm 42 years old β¦ I have built a new life for myself . . I 'm not that young scared girl any more β¦ . But my fear countered my arguments with memories that are much harder to argue with β¦ . I was 18 , he was 30 when we got married . He had rescued me from possibly living on the streets just a few short months before . He gave me a place to stay when my step father and mother kicked me out β¦ . before my 18th birthday . He was my Knight β¦ Bla bla β¦ . The age difference didn 't mean a thing to me , then β¦ I felt that I was much more mature than most 18 year olds . ( Don 't all 18 year olds feel that way ? ) But in truth , I was just a child β¦ Emotionally , I was in no way ready for any type of marital relationship β¦ And I was too emotionally immature to recognize the warning signs that were flashing above this man 's head . In truth , the brain washing had already begun , even before the wedding . I had turned in my notice at work , at the job that I loved , because " my man " wanted to take care of me β¦ . . It made me feel important and protected . With the job , I also gave up my friends . I didn 't see anyone , because it was important to spend time with my new husband β¦ . and my new home β¦ . He wanted so much to be " everything " for me β¦ To take care of me , forever . " I thought it was wonderful and never dreamed of what the future could hold for me when I was cut off from the rest of the outside world β¦ The other thing that I thought was so wonderful was his desire for children . He let it be known from the very beginning that he could hardly wait for me to have his child . . The first couple of months after our wedding , he told me this so often that many times I felt a twinge of guilt that I wasn 't already pregnant β¦ That guilt didn 't last long , as he got his wish very early . R was born one month before our first wedding anniversary . Never in my life at this time would I have imagined what would come next ! I was happier with life than I had ever been ! I had a husband who " wanted to take care of me for always " and the most " beautiful " baby in the world ! I felt that my life was complete at 19 years old ! I dedicated my whole life to my beautiful baby girl . She became my world . I found it so much fun and so rewarding that nothing could seem mundane or distasteful about taking care of a baby . I didn 't notice the lack of sleep β¦ I woke up with a smile every time my baby woke up . Changing diapers even felt special to me β¦ Tickling her little tummy and playing " this little piggy " with those cubby little toes . If R was awake , I was with her . Every thing else in my life took second place to my daughter . I believed that was the way it was supposed to be and I really couldn 't have done it any other way . I did what I could to take care of our home , when ever the baby was asleep . But if it was messy β¦ So be it . I didn 't notice . I started buying sandwich meat and t . v . Dinners instead of cooking elaborate meals that I had cooked before R was born . It is a balancing act to take care of a new born and still make time for one 's husband . One that I never learned . And my husband felt it . I think that his initial reaction was totally normal . He felt left out and alone and he told me so . In truth , I mostly just waved away his feelings . I figured when R got older she wouldn 't need me as much and he wouldn 't feel this way any longer . That 's how the fights started β¦ . As simple little arguments that I didn 't think were important . I did try to balance my time better . I didn 't give up any of the time I spent playing with my baby or taking care of her the way I felt I should . . But I spent less time resting when she was sleeping . Trying to fit in more time for the things that he complained about . I cleaned the house more . . I cooked meals again . The more I did the more he found that I wasn 't doing . I began to feel the pressure of lack of rest and lack of time for myself . And the arguments became more intense , as I found voice to argue back . I began to see my perfect little world start to crumble around me but I still had no idea how far this would go . I don 't remember what the argument was about the first time my " hero " showed his true colors β¦ Maybe there were dishes still unwashed in the sink β¦ Or he didn 't have clean socks β¦ Who knows how it started β¦ The only thing I remember is that we were having a yelling match with each other and suddenly his eyes took on a new look β¦ I swear , they seem to change colors β¦ I had never seen a look like that in anyone 's eyes before . . I didn 't know what it meant , but I knew it scared me more than I had ever been in my life . My reaction to this fear was to not let it show . So I took a step closer to him and yelled back at him with all my might . " Never let them see your fear ! " I had heard that somewhere and was sure it applied here . That 's when I learned my first lesson on challenging my husband . I learned it on the floor . I didn 't see it coming . I barely had time to feel it . For a second , I wondered how I came to be laying on the floor β¦ But only for a second , as then the burn set in on my face that now had a bright red hand print across it . And he was like a wild tiger , pouncing on my chest . His hands around my throat would leave finger size bruises that would serve as a reminder to me for weeks to come . I began to fall into the darkness of unconsciousness before he released his hold on me . As quick as he had turned into this mad man , he seemed to change again β¦ He sat on the floor next to my crumpled body and while I struggled to breath again , he talked calmly to me about his childhood . I couldn 't understand his words β¦ It was like he was speaking another language to me for several minutes β¦ When I did regain my ability to breath normally , I couldn 't understand what had happened . Did anything happen ? Did I have some sort of psychotic episode and imagined it all ? There he was , just talking as if nothing had happened . While my face still felt the burn of his first hit and my throat would not let me speak . I was afraid to try to move . I didn 't know how he would react if I tried to move away from him , even though every fiber of my being was screaming at me to get away from this man β¦ As I fought back the sobs that were building inside me , he continued to tell me a story of his childhood as if nothing had happened . Then when his story was finished , he proclaimed that he was tired , kissed my throbbing cheek and left me on the floor and went to bed . When I heard the bedroom door close , I allowed the tears to flow , I laid on the floor in fetal position until I had sobbed myself to sleep . That strangely enough , was the first night that R slept through the night . What woke me up was the noise of my husband in the kitchen , cooking breakfast . When he realized I was awake , he spoke of how tired I must be β¦ " To sleep so late " . ( Even though it was still quite early . ) And told me how he was going to try to help me more with cooking and cleaning , because I was looking so worn from taking care of the baby . The whole thing could have easily been some kind of scene from a sweet romantic movie β¦ Except for the bruises on my face and neck . It all had a strange dream like quality to it . I almost felt as if I was coming off of a drunk night or something . Before he went to work , he apologized for the fight . He claimed that he could barely remember what happened but it wouldn 't happen again . Remembering what he said now is impossible , but I remember how I felt . Before he was finished , I felt sorry for him . I had pushed him into that violent moment , it was all my fault . It wouldn 't happen again . . I was so sure of that . But the only thing that didn 't happen again was he never again left a bruise on my face . His " out of control " rage always seemed the same , when it came . It seemed as if he was not in control of himself and he always seem to " forget " after wards β¦ But he never again put any bruises on me that could not be hidden . Some how I never realized how calculated his rage was β¦ Each out burst was worse than the last . The after wards was always the same . . He always did some grand gesture to show his undieing " Love " for me . . And bought me gifts and apologized and told me how he didn 't remember his outburst and couldn 't imagine what was happening . He eventually began adding promises to find help for himself . And he always found subtle ways of turning it around on me and I always fell for all of it . I always believed him when he said it would never happen again β¦ I always felt that it was my own fault . After all , it was only me that he ever became violent with . The fact that he never drank or did drugs also in my mind proved that it had to be my fault β¦ I 'm not sure how this came to be my logic β¦ but it is what I thought . If he had done drugs , or drank than I could blame that . I couldn 't find anything to blame . I didn 't know that he was the blame , that thought never accured to me . As I look back on myself then , I wonder who this young woman was . . I wonder why she couldn 't see reality that slapped her in the face ! I still do not understand how I could excuse his violent out burst or the torture that he put me through . I alone was allowed to see that side of him , and yet I still fell for the act that he put on around other people . Around our child . As R became older and less dependant on her mother for everything in her world , I watched her form a close bond with her father . He was so good with her . He would sit on the floor with her and play with her for as long as she wanted . He seemed to have unending patience for her . He was so gentle and happy with her . He took such pleasure in watching her learn new things , things that he taught her β¦ She learned his schedule and would always become excited as time approached for him to come home from work . She was never exposed to anything but love and happiness . He was two people β¦ One was loving and kind and patient β¦ And the other person didn 't come out until R was safely asleep at night . I began to dread R 's bedtime because I knew I wasn 't safe if she was asleep . There was never a warning to tell me ahead of time when he would go off . He would be a perfect gentleman full of smiles and kisses and soft touches β¦ Then he would make a check on R to see if she was sleeping and come back and just snap on me . Suddenly he 'd be abolishing me for some slight indiscretion I had done or he had perceived that I had done during the day . It always ended the same . . With me crumbled on the floor with bruises on my arms or legs or chest . . Or knots on the back of my head where he slammed my head against a table β¦ Sometimes leaving me with bruised or broken ribs . . ( He even broke both my little toes once . Amazing how I still couldn 't see how calculated his punishments were . He purposely chose things like my little toes , because I could still function without anyone knowing how broken and bruised I was β¦ but I still believed him when he said he didn 't have control over his actions . ) His all time favorite thing to do was choking me . His hands around my neck , his thumbs pressing into my throat , cutting of my ability to breath until I would see the blackness start to envelope me , only then would he let go β¦ And he always told me then that he didn 't have to stop . . I couldn 't stop him . . He only stopped because he wanted to . But if I ever tried to leave him , he wouldn 't stop until I was dead . And I believed him . I still believe that he meant it . That he would have gladly killed me if he could have β¦ Years later β¦ When I did leave him , he tried to do just that and if he hadn 't been stopped by other people , I still firmly believe he would have killed me that day . But I didn 't leave him , for five long years after the torture began . How I lived through some of the things he did to " punish " me , I do not know to this day . Some of his torture was so horrible and so elaborate that I know now that he must have planned them out well in advance . Some of it was so horrible that I still to this day can not bring my self to say it out loud β¦ Or write it as the case may be β¦ But I began to believe that I had indeed married Satan himself and nothing short of death could save me from him . By the end of that marriage , he had almost total control over me and my every movement or thought , even when he wasn 't around . Except for one thing . There was only one aspect of my life that he could not control , one part of my personality that refused to bend to his will . My motherhood ! My children were always put first in my mind . I did what ever I saw as best for them even if that was against his wishes . OH , yes , it made me live in constant fear of what punishment I would receive , but I still took care of my daughters in what ever way I thought was right . The dreams so vivid that would leave me shaking for most of the next day in my waking hours β¦ . Even after I moved to another state , I watched for him every where . If I saw a man with his hair color , or his height and basic build I would have a panic attack . I do mean I would totally freak ! This went on for several years β¦ Slowly , the dreams came less often and I learned not to panic when I saw someone who couldn 't posibly be him who just happened to be about the same height . Even though I had a set back when the year came that I knew he would be eligible for parolle . but now ! after 19 years , I thought I had beat this ! I thought this man was finally out of my head and no longer had control over me . Sadly I was wrong ! About a month ago , while working I learned that this man , who I haven 't even seen in 19 years can still send me into uncontrolled terror . When a man came into the resteraunt where I work , as a costomer . This man for what ever reason , caught my eye imediatly . And I cringed and held my breath and felt again like that small 19 year old girl lying on the floor wondering what had happened . This man looked exactly like what I would expect my ex husband to look after 19 years . Now imagine this . . I have no real knowledge that this man is indeed my ex husband β¦ no rational reason to believe that he was and that he had somehow found me and came into my work with his wife and child in tow ? ! But I couldn 't think rationally ! Logic had nothing to do with how I reacted ! I spent the rest of the time that he was there in hiding from him . That was just the beginning . As it turned out , this man , his wife and young son came in every Sunday after . Each time my fear grew stronger and I spent more energy hiding from his sight . Two Saterdays ago , the night mare came back . Two Sat . nights in a row I 've had that same night mare that I used to have when I first left my ex husband . Sunday morning I would be sick with fear β¦ . Which brings us to this most resent Sunday β¦ When someone I know saw this man , who had no idea of my thoughts or fears . A friend of mine was the answer without even knowing the question . He knew the man . When I saw them talking , I managed to get my friend by himself and asked him how he knew him . Come to find out that he worked with him , years ago and his name was not the name of my ex ! Glory of Glories ! This man is not my ex husband and I no longer have to fear Sundays at work . But the truth is I have a much larger problem ! This only brought out that problem into the light of day . I am a 42 year old woman who now knows how to take care of herself . I know now that I don 't need a " man " to take care of me ! I now know that I did not then , nor do I ever deserve to be abused by anyone in anyway ! I know all this and yet , I can not beat this fear ! How can I win over this demon of the past when I can 't even face someone who looks like him ? ? ? If by some wild stretch of the imagination , this man did seek me out after all these years and seek revenge on me β¦ I do believe that I could find a way to defend myself against him β¦ If I was not frozen in fear ! But as I see by my reaction to a slight posibility that I might have to face him , that I would indeed be Frozen with Fear ! As I see it , there is no need for him to ever seek revenge as he still controls me without any sort of contact what so ever ! How do I beat this control ? How can I get this demon out of my head ? As I said in previous post , this year , birth months have been particularly hard on me . With R 's birthday rapidly approaching , I find my memories of her penetrating my every waking and sleeping moment . The bitter sweet memories of the child I had and lost seem to be somehow tangible . As if I could reach out and hold her in my arms again . Sometimes , like last night , I do reach out in my sleep for her , only to find the motions of my physical body wakes me from my sleep and R is no longer there , reaching for Mommy . So this morning , I would like to write some of those memories of the brief time that I had this wonderful child in my life . She is no longer a child , I know , 23 . . Wow , it 's hard to comprehend that my daughter is going to be 23 years old this very month . While I am forever locked in her childhood , because she was so violently ripped out of my embrace and I was never allowed to see her grow into womanhood . Even though I did get to see her once as a teen , my dreams are always of that five year old girl who I so long to hold again and make it all better . I wonder how this will play out when ( I no longer allow myself to say if , it is when ) I do finally get to meet her as an adult . Will the five year old girl grow up in my dreams ? How will this happen , when I never got to see the process of that growth ? Maybe my dreams will just suddenly change from five to adult . But as for now , my memories are all I have . My memories of that beautiful baby growing so quickly into such a beautiful child , inside and out . I was always amazed , with both of my girls , how quickly their personalities seem to start forming . When they were just babies , they started showing their own unique personality that grew with their physical and mental growth . Even as a tiny baby , when R was first learning to focus on objects other than mommy , showed signs of amazement of the world around her . That " amazement " never went away , it only grew into a wonderment for all the beauty she saw in almost everything and everyone . Seeing the world a new , through her eyes , helped me see beauty that I had forgotten . With nature , R saw beauty to be equal in a fresh new rose bloom as she did with a weed that had popped up through the cracks in the sidewalk . All of God 's earth was beautiful in her eyes . " Look mommy , pretty ! " was a statement I heard from her many times a day . It was no different for her with the people and animals she saw ether . I had a hard time teaching that child about the danger of stray animals and strange people , because all she saw was the beauty of life . On any of our outings , when a stranger would stop to talk to her , as people often do to young children , R would stare at them intently , drinking in every nuance of their physical appearance and their mannerisms . No matter what they appeared like to others , to R they were " pretty " just because they were alive . She would reply , " No , You pretty . " and some would engage her in a mock debate over who was the prettiest . She 'd always win , as most adults are busy with life and can 't out argue a toddler . LOL R also had some of my personality traits , that she took and happily bent to suit her own personal beliefs . She had my sensitivity . She would just as easily cry for the poor spider that was stepped on as she did the stray dog that got ran over by a car . She got her feelings hurt easily as well , like me . That was unfortunate because of the way she saw the world . If someone dared to disagree with her about the weed being " pretty " she would be heart broken that they couldn 't see it 's beauty . She was only four years old the first time she ever saw a homeless person . We were grocery shopping and he was laying on a broken down box in front of the store , sleeping . She asked me why he was sleeping there , why didn 't he go home to sleep ? I told her , in the best way I could explain to a four year old , that he didn 't have a home . She cried . I cried . We cried all the way through the grocery store . I let her pick out a few things to give to him to eat in the store and along with the pre made sandwiches , which was something she loved so naturally she picked them , she chose some candy bars and a teddy bear . She said the teddy bear would help him feel safer . She often , even as a baby , would try to mock me in motherhood . Even before her little sister was born , R seemed to be the " older " sister . She would love on her dolls and toys and feed her toy cars when " they were hungry " and teach them things that I had taught her . Like the alphabet song . Even though she had trouble with the proununciation , I would catch her teaching her stuffed animals and correcting them if " they missed a part " with so much patience . That patience was not reserved for her imaginary friends . When her sister came into her life , she showed the same patience with her . She never lost her temper with her baby sister , never . It was amazing to me how they never seemed to disagree at all . Maybe because they were so young , or maybe because it wasn 't in R 's nature to disagree . She couldn 't stand to see other 's hurt . R was not , however , a good child to learn from in the sence that she was the first and I had no clue how to teach her some things . When her little sister was born , it was like I was still a first time mother . Because most of what R had to learn in the early days of childhood , she learned almost on her own , with little help from me . Not that I didn 't want to help her , she just didn 't need that much help . As in winging her from the bottle . When the time came that I thought she was ready , apparently , she thought so too . I put away all her bottles and she never cried for one , she would just gladly except her sippy cup . I didn 't know that you could wing them slowly by only allowing a bottle at bed time for a while . And R never complained about it at all . Never had trouble going to sleep . It really was just that easy . When R became able to follow me , that is exactly what she did . She followed me . I no longer had to put her in her crib while I went to the bathroom because she followed me . I learned quickly that going to the bathroom alone was a luxury not afforded to mothers . I didn 't care . I loved it . I loved spending every minute with R . Sometimes at night when she was sleeping , I was very lonely without her . So from the very beginning of her life , I always gave her names of objects and events . These names evolved as she learned more understanding of words . " Whea we go ? " she 'd always ask when I started somewhere , " Mommy 's got to go potty . " I 'd answer . Evenually , I purchased a potty chair , R had just started walking at the time . I put it on display in the bathroom , right across from " mommy 's potty " I did this , knowing that she was too young to potty train , but it was my introduction to her . And I talked about it . I talked about someday she 'd wear pretty big girl panties and use the potty instead of using a diaper . To my amazement , shortly after I began the " talking " phase and without actually showing her the " pretty big girl panties " of which I spoke . One day when she was " helping " me fold laundry . ( which really means she was grabbing my folder laundry and wadding it up . ha . ) She picked up a pair of my underwear and said , " pretty panties . I wear ! " Oh man , I can remember that as if it were yesterday . I can see her in my mind , her face all full of exitement . I think I explained to her that she would have to use the potty to wear panties β¦ What exactly I said or she said after that is a little fuzzy . But it ended with me pulling out her " pretty big girl panties " that I had already bought and put away and she never wore diapers again , except at bed time . And truly , she had very few accidents . Most of those few accidents were my fault . Because she would cry if I tried to put a diaper on her when we went out and I would always give in to her . Then I sometimes couldn 't find a bathroom in time , when she " nee to go potty " I know that all parents tend to exagerate how smart their child is . But honestly , I don 't have to exagerate about R . She was that Amazing . Of course , this my memories of her , and it 's bound to be a little bias . Of course , she did , like all children must , struggle at times to learn new things . Sometimes she stumbled and might even fall , but she always , as they say ; " Got right back up " and kept trying at whatever her task of learning was until she had it down pat . She was so eager to learn new things . And when she did learn them , she never forgot . She would hang on to her new knowledge tight , even as she forge ahead to find a new knowledge to gain . Oh how my heart aches for her now . I didn 't see that in her when we reunited while she was a teen . Did being ripped away from her mother rob her of her desire to learn or her love for beauty β¦ Or perhaps , I wasn 't with her long enough to see those traits . Are they still there ? Does she still see beauty in a weed ? Does she still feel compation for a stranger ? Does she still know how much I love her ? ! I want to know that more than any thing else . My sweet R . I love you still ! I ache for you to be in my life . My heart , my soul cries for the loss that we both had to endure . I have been putting this post off . I wasn 't sure why , after all I posted the hardest part . Making my story public about how I lost my girls was a giant step for me . I so feared that other 's wouldn 't understand my story . They just wouldn 't get it . I feared that people would say , " oh , she had to be wrong because CPS doesn 't do stuff like that . " Even after I found others who had similar things happen to them , I was still afraid of being judged wrongly . But I sucked it up and told my story . The whole unvarnished truth that was my horror story . So why was I hesitant to post the story of my son ? I decided that I would have to have the answer to that question before I could actually get past this hesitation . And so that 's what I 've been doing , analyzing how I felt about telling my son 's story . Finally , it came to me . It was like the end . Just like the when I gave him up for adoption , telling the story for anyone who cares to see , it was like the end . So knowing what was my cause for hesitation , I was able to work through it . So here is how this feels , writing this is like going back to that time and reliving it again . The last time I ever was a mother . That 's how it always felt . It was the end . Of course , it wasn 't really the end , I lived . ( Although , at times I did not know how I lived , but I did . ) And telling this story doesn 't have to be the end here . I still have much to say . I still have much to work out in my life . So today , I will tell the world about Terry David , my baby son . Once I contacted the lawyer , from a phone book ad , I went to his office once . I am sure that I did that . It seems more like a dream . A lot of stuff I really don 't remember very clearly and yet other stuff , minor things , I remember perfectly . It is a jumbled up mess in my head . I know that the lawyer gave me the name and phone no to a Obgyn and I started going to him for my medical needs . The ad in the phone book for the lawyer said the adoptive parents would pay for medical expenses and some living expenses . So I assumed , without asking that I had to go to this Dr and could not choose my own Dr . Although , as far as I remember , I never really had a complaint about the chosen Dr . He doesn 't stand out in my memory much except at the end . I know that after he examined me he said he thought the due date that my first Dr had given me was close enough to keep . So My due date was valentines day . I thought about that and thought it was cool . I really wanted my baby to be born on Valentine 's Day . He 'd be a true love child then . I thought . ( Now , I hate valentine 's day . I do my best not to celebrate it . My DH always buys me something for that day , but I never buy him anything and I usually spend a lot of time hiding by myself to cry . ) I never received in living expense moneys . I didn 't ask about it , cause I really felt like if I did receive any money personally , it would be like selling my baby . But this meant I had to work full time for my whole pregnancy . This was hard , because I was sick the whole time . The " morning " sickness never stopped . Even through my last month , I threw up everyday , sometimes several times a day . I wanted my baby to be healthy , I didn 't want to do anything to hurt him , so I ate what I could and found the only thing I could hold down was raw fruits and veggies . So that 's what I ate during my pregnancy . Nothing cooked , nothing processed , and absolutely no meat . I couldn 't stand it at all . Even the smell of meat cooking was too much . Which was bad since I worked in a restaurant . I also cried . I cried all the time . I cried myself to sleep at night . If anyone said anything about my pregnancy , I cried . If I saw a mother with her children , I cried . If I saw a little lost dog on the street , I cried . It was the worst time of my life . People I worked with learned to pretend that I wasn 't as big as a house and were very careful what they said to me , or around me . But of course , you know there 's nothing like a pregnant woman to get strangers to ask personal questions of someone they didn 't know . The managers tried their best to assign me to jobs that would keep me from having direct contact with the costumers . ( As I look back on that now , I realize that the people I worked with were really good to me . They really tried hard to help me and protect me . I don 't think I saw that then . ) So my due date was Feb . 14 . I was scheduled to go in for birth by c - section on Feb . 15 . The last time I went for a Dr 's appointment they did test to see if the baby was fully developed and determined that he was and the date of feb . 15th was confirmed . On feb . 12 , I went to work like any other day . I remember my back was bothering me occasionally while I was at work and my legs kept cramping . But I didn 't think much about it . I worked my shift and walked the three blocks from work to home . By the time I reached home , I was in serious pain . And I knew I was in labor . So this is it , I thought . I didn 't want my son to be born after valentine 's day and I guess he didn 't want to wait ether . So he was born on feb . 12 . I called my Dr and told him I was having labor pains . They were still not on a schedule , but since we already knew that the baby was ready and because I was having a c - section , the Dr said to go to the hospital and check in . He was there by the time I got checked in . They took me straight to the delivery room and gave me a spinal thing . ( I 'm sorry , I 've tried every possible way I can think of and my spell checker refuses to give me the correct spelling of that word . ) Anyway , I wanted to be awake for the birth of my son . It was the first time I was awake for birth . When he was born , the nurse held him up for just a second for me to see . He wasn 't crying . But I was . Then she whisked him away to clean him and do the test or what ever they do . I started feeling that my lungs were collapsing . My chest hurt so bad that I felt like I was getting no air at all . I heard someone say something about hyperventilating and blood pressure and then someone leaned next to my ear and told me they were going to put something in my i . v . To help calm me . He said I may start to feel sleepy . That was ok , he said . I nodded my head , I thought I was dying . I couldn 't feel any air getting to my lungs . Then I felt a warmth in my arm that spread through my body and I ether went to sleep or passed out . It didn 't feBut she didn 't come back with him . Instead the lawyer and another woman came in with the papers for me to sign . The lawyer didn 't say anything . This woman that I didn 't know started trying to act like she was my friend or something . She said it would be better for me to get this out of the way before I said good bye to the baby . And some other stuff . If we went over what the papers said , I don 't remember it . If I read any of it , I really don 't remember reading it . I just signed where she told me too . I was bawling like crazy . I could barely see . She reached out and patted my shoulder and I do remember flinching away from her . And then they were gone and there was another woman and the nurse with my son . The nurse placed my son in my arms . I couldn 't stop crying . I sat up on the side of my bed so I could turn my back on the new woman who did not leave when the nurse left . I , to this day , do not have a clue who that woman was . I was crying so hard by then that my ears were stopped up . So when I turned my back on the woman , she came to that side of the bed and sat down right in front of me and started talking . I couldn 't hear her , I couldn 't say anything . I just hugged my baby to me and cried . I wanted to tell this woman to leave , I wanted to scream it . But I didn 't . I wanted to talk to my son . I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and I didn 't want to do this but I didn 't have a choice . I wanted to tell him that I would always always love him . But I didn 't want anyone else to hear . It was supposed to be a private moment for me and my son , but here was this woman who I didn 't know . I wanted also to tell him the name I chose for him . I didn 't tell anyone for many many years the name I gave to my son . The name he would never use , would never know . Terry David , my son , I still love you just as much as I did that day ! The one and only day that I held you in my arms . After that I was released from the hospital . Only a few hours after I held my son . One day after I had surgery and the Dr that I had went to during all this , wrote on my release papers that I should visit the county hospital on such and such date for a check up as he would not be able to see me again . I guess once they had my baby the adoptive parents felt no need to pay any future medical bills . I didn 't go to county , I didn 't go anywhere to be checked . I figured I couldn 't kill myself , but if I got a bad infection or something and died from it , then I 'd be out of this pain . Shortly after the birth of my son , the DA dropped the charges against my babies father . He never even went to court . Just like they had dropped the charges against me , they said it was due to lack of evidence . Of course there was lack of evidence ! The charges against Terry 's father were totally trumped up by Cps to get my daughters away from me ! But as it happens in city jail . It took almost a week for them to release T . H . After the charges were dropped . We knew the day he was going to get out . Before that day came , I called my Dad and begged him to let me move to Tenn and stay with them for a while . I couldn 't stay there any more and I couldn 't be there when T . H . Got out of jail . He had encouraged me to sign the papers giving up my rights to parent my daughters and he was the one who first said I should hire a lawyer to put our baby up for adoption . I couldn 't face him ever again . So I left him and my life long home of Texas before he got out of jail . I moved to Tenn and began my new life . A life in which I wasn 't a mother . A life behind a mask of anger , depression and shame . I became a totally different person . I never again cried in front of anyone . I cried for my children only in the dark , alone . There is one thing that I 've only just figured out , which became clear to me once I started writing this blog . That is that during all that time , I have blamed myself first because I didn 't fight for my kids . I knew that I July 6 , 2006 Posted by sheribat | Just as I thought it would , my pregnancy with my third and last child was not the fu fu skip through the daisies time , as my first two pregnancies were . It was so hard . I was sick with morning sickness , or stress or both the whole time . I worked anywhere from 45 to 50 hours a week . And I tried , really tried hard , not to get attached to the growing life inside me . ( This was an impossible task , but I tried so hard . ) And that was for the most part , all I did . There were a couple of note worthy life events that did happen during my pregnancy . First being that shortly after I signed relinquish papers , the charges against me were dropped . That had never been discussed between myself and the social worker . I never expected the charges to be dropped . I didn 't know what would happen , I didn 't really care . The reason on the papers I was given ? Insufficient Evidence . ! ! I actually had to go to court for that . When given the summons to appear , it did not say that the charges were being dropped . It just said it was an order to appear β¦ So I was surprised when the DA stood up and babbled something about the state wishing to drop the charge . And that was over . Another part of my life with my daughters was gone . I know that doesn 't make much sense but each little thing that was resolved , seem to be pushing me more toward loosing that self that had two daughters . It was if life itself was taking away all evidence that I ever had any children . The second life event was my Dad retired and as they had been planing for years , he and R moved from Texas to Tenn . Even though I knew that had been the plan all along , it was just further truth to me that I was truly alone . I had no family left close to me . A major event that happened during the early part of my pregnancy was J 's case came up . I was summoned as a witness for the prosecution but at the last minute J 's lawyer made a plea bargain with the D . A . And the hearing turned into a sentencing hearing . I don 't remember what they actually called the charge that J plead guilty to , but what it boiled down to was ten counts of inappropriate touching of a minor . I was no longer needed as a witness but was invited to sit and watch the proceedings . The first thing I wondered was where did they get the number 10 ? Did J count the times he went into our daughter 's room while I was working and violate that poor baby ? ! The second thing that struck me was how much like the T . V . Court shows it really was like . I didn 't think real court would be anything like T . V . Court . Even though , the D . A and J 's lawyer had struck a deal and J was told that if he pleaded guilty to the lesser charges he would get a certain sentence , the judge still had the right to over rule the deal that was made . Hence the sentencing hearing . First the judge informed J of his rights and asked if he understood his rights and asked if he had decided on his own to change his plea from not guilty to guilty without any coarsen . Bla Bla β¦ . Lots of legal terms . Then the defense attorney and the D . A both made opening statements . Who knew what they said β¦ It was all full of words that I didn 't have a clue of the meaning . Then the defense called the one and only witness . J . It was so hard for me to sit there in silence and listen to the lies that came out of that man 's mouth , under oath , about what he had and ( had not ) done to our daughter . First , J 's lawyer established with some well asked questions that J was mentally ill . Apparently he had been evaluated while in jail and was found to be Severe psychotic / something something personality disorder . I don 't remember but it was several different mental illnesses that they said he had . Then believe it or not , his lawyer brought up ten different dates . I swear , where did they come up with this stuff ? ! Anyway , he asked J if he had " inappropriately touched one , R . A . C . On these ten dates . J said yes . His lawyer asked him if he knew why he did this . J sat right there and said , no no , I don 't know . It 's like it wasn 't me β¦ But I never did anything more than touch her and I was really only playing with her , but she misunderstood so I stopped . I felt dizzy thinking about that statement . ( of course these aren 't the exact words , I can 't remember the exact words but the meaning behind them was the same . ) He said she misunderstood his intentions so he stopped ? ! Ten separate times ! ! ! ? ? ? ? ( still wondering at this time how they decided it was exactly ten times ? ) But the point was he did it again and again ! And everyone there knew he was lying ! Everyone knew he didn 't stop at touching ! I remember imagining myself jumping up and screaming Liar ! Liar ! But I sat there , in tears and churning upset stomach and dizzy and watched the lies . Then the D . A . Got to question J . OMG , he had a chart ! It was a large pencil drawing of a baby without any clothes on . I couldn 't believe this . At this time I was so glad that this was only a sentencing hearing and that I wouldn 't have to be subject to being a witness for the court . The D . A asked J by pointing with a pointer at different parts of the pencil baby , " On the said dates , did you touch R here ? Here ? " Supposedly it was established through this point and tell display that J had touched R on or around her nipples . ! Liar Liar ! , screams the crazy woman as they drag her from the court room . Was what I could see the headlines to be . Then the judge sentenced J to ten years in prison . I guess that is where , or why the ten different accounts of " touching " . A year for each account . I talked to the D . A . after and he told me that J would probably get out on parole in 5 years . Five lousy years for destroying the life of a four year old ! I don 't know when he got out . I put as much distance emotionally and physically as possible between myself and him during the next few years . I don 't have a clue what happened to him , or where he might be now . But I still have night mares about him occasionally . Still after 18 years . The day came to sign the papers . Someone from CPS picked me up , so I wouldn 't have to take the city bus . They were OH , so helpful . I was told I would get to see Little R and L that day to say good bye . I was told that I should try hard not to cry in front of them . Not to let them know I was sad and to tell them that I couldn 't take care of them , so I was going to let some nice people take them and love them and they would have a new family to love . This was supposed to make it easier on them to adapt to their new family . I was also promised that everything in their power would be done to make sure the girls were not separated . That they were sure that they could find them a great adoptive family that would accept both girls . This was a very important issue to me . They only had each other left now , they had to be allowed to stay together . Oh yes , promises were made ! ( I had no idea for years how they lied right then and there to my face . I didn 't know that the girls had already been separated in foster care , even though they did get to visit each other . Nor did I know that both sets of foster parents had already been told they could adopt each of my girls very soon ! Nor did I know , that while it was suggested that the girls be allowed to have contact after adoption , it was not required and L 's new parents would severe her contact from her older sister shortly after the adoptions were finalized . I had no idea of any of this until I heard it from R 's adopted mother years later , when R was a teenager . ) I was taken into this room at the offices . I can 't remember much about it , except it was all one color . I can 't remember the color , but I remember it was all one color , the carpet , and the walls , same color . So strange . It contained a couple of straight back chairs and off to the side was some toys laying on the floor . Maybe the toys were blocks or something like that , I 'm not sure . I sat there in that room by myself for what seemed to be hours . I don 't really know how long it was . When the door opened , A woman entered with my girls on each side of her . Ruby hesitated for a second , as though she might not be sure it was me , then pulled her hand away from the woman and ran to my waiting arms . She started crying and so did I . I had to go get L . She came to me when I went to her and put out my arms . She hugged me and then she with drew and sat on the floor playing with the toys there . R and I sat on the floor with her . R sitting almost on top of me . But L was not the same little girl she had been when I last saw her . I couldn 't believe the change in her in such a short time . She wasn 't the happy , laughing baby any more . She didn 't even talk to R . And she had always jibbered at R before . I picked her up and sat her in my lap . She didn 't try to get down , but she didn 't acknowledge that she was even aware of my presence , or R 's presence . She didn 't smile , she didn 't cry , she had almost no emotion expression at all . So I talked to her and R and tried to pretend that she could understand . I told them first and for most that I loved them both more than they could ever know and that I would always always love them . R says , " we love you , mommy . " Tears again . Then Ruby said " go home now ? " My heart was breaking . I had trouble just continuing any sort of communication , much less telling my precious babies the they would never come home with me again . I 'm not sure how I told them . I know I didn 't tell them that I wanted to give them to a new family as the social worker suggested I do . I know I did tell them that it was breaking my heart to let them go , even though I was told not to tell them that . And I told them that I would always love them and always miss them and would always always be somewhere that they could find me . I told them that one day when they were old enough to decide for themselves and if they wanted to they could find me and I 'd love them still . That was of course , the last thing I was allowed to say before a social worker burst in to the room and said it was time to go . That created a scene that I will forever remember . R grabbed me around the neck and began screaming . Not using any words , just straight out hysterical screaming ! That seem to startle L out of her non emotion state and she grabbed me and started crying . So there it was , I was bawling , L was bawling , R was screaming bloody murder and the social worker lady was flapping her arms around like some big clumsy flightless bird trying to take flight , yelling for help . And help she got . Several people came in and ruthlessly pulled my baby girls away from me . They took the girls out kicking and screaming while a couple of them stood in front of me with stern looks . How could any human see this scene and not be touched by it at all ? I ask you ? But none of it seemed to have an effect on these people at all . After I had calmed down to quiet tears , they took me to another room to sign the papers . They told me again the same things about how I was saving them from being moved around from home to home . How , by signing these papers , I was doing the ultimate deed of Love . How I should be proud of having such unselfish love for my children to think of them first β¦ . The only thing that I could think of for the days , weeks to follow , was at least there was nothing else I could loose . I had lost the most important people in my life . My daughters and no one could ever hurt me more than that . And yes , even though the pain was always , always horrible , I did , at that time buy into the " I did what was best for my babies " theory . There were times , many times that I wished for death . I wasn 't sure how I could be still alive and hurt that bad any way . I even thought about taking my own life . What stopped me ? I had made a promise to my girls that I would be waiting for them always . I couldn 't break that promise . So I would just say it again , at least no one could ever hurt me again because there was nothing left . That was what I thought , until I found yet one more thing I had to loose . During all this , I had been very physically sick . I chalked this sickness up to the stress and depression . Because I had been eating very little during the last month or more and because when I did eat , I usually threw it up , I had lost a lot of weight . And I was already a small person before all this . I remember in August . around R 's birthday which was terrible for me I suddenly relized that I couldn 't remember the last time I had had a period . But at first , I didn 't think about it more than a minute or two , because one time I had heard , or saw on t . v . that if you loose weight down to a point you would stop having periods . but evenually , I had to go to a dr . Yes , it was confirmed in late August that I was pregnant . After another appointment , ( I couldn 't remember when my last period was ) so I had to be tested to determine my due date , which was said by the dr to be Feb 14 . This pregnancy I knew would not be a happy one , like the two before . I couldn 't think of anything worse at this time than to be pregnant . I was sure that CPS would be knocking on my door the day I brought my baby home to take it away . When I told T and Mrs . H about it , they agreed that CPs would never let me keep the baby and the best thing I could do would be to hire a lawyer and do a private adoption . All I could think of was I couldn 't live through having another child taken away from me . I decided the only way to defend myself against these people was to do as Mrs . H suggested . I asked her to find a lawyer for me . She picked a name out of the phone book and my hell continued . β¦β¦ . . If I can get through this β¦ . Maybe just maybe β¦ . I don 't know β¦ I 'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing all this down , any more . I first thought that it would help me heal β¦ I 'm not sure that healing is possible any more . Then , as I posted each time , I thought , maybe someone else will stumble on this and be helped by it β¦ . Do I really think that I can help anyone ? And a new thought has crept it 's way into my brain . What if , somehow , someday , one of my daughters were to stumble on to this site β¦ I have no idea what they were told about me β¦ . Even though I have reunited once with R years ago . I didn 't know that it was " reunion " then . I never heard of that term before . I just knew that I got to see my daughter . I got to talk to her . I got to hug her and tell her I loved her and then it was all gone . Maybe she was too young at the time ? Maybe she was told things β¦ I wanted to tell her my story then , but I didn 't know how to tell her . She didn 't ask me anything . I always thought I should wait for her to ask β¦ But this is another subject , for another post β¦ Now I am stalling . I know this β¦ I am not sure why I need to write all of this , nor why I am doing it so publicly . I just know that I need to do this and so β¦ . . For reasons that will reveal themselves later . . Time line is kind of important . So I have been diligently counting on my fingers , adding and subtracting each event in relation to the age of Little R or L . The time line is only accountable to me by the relationship to their ages . Somehow , I thought the time was much longer that everything had happened . I always thought in my mind that everything happened over a long period of time , but in following the time line so carefully , I 've discovered that it all happened rather quickly . In some ways , it seems that all of this happened last year or last month . In other ways it seemed it happened a life time ago , in someone else 's life . But the time from when I took my two little girls and ran away from their abusive father to the time I lost my girls seems to have been years . But it wasn 't . I am surprised , it didn 't take long at all for my life to be totally destroyed . So , Little R was still four years old , L was almost two when they came home to live with me again . We hadn 't been separated very long at all . And I had called them every day and visited them on my days off . But it seemed as though we had been apart for a life time . Not just to me , to them also . They clinged to me and would not let me out of their site . Following me to the bathroom , where they stood in the doorway watching me intently so I wouldn 't slip out the tiny 4 inch window . The three of us shared a bedroom and I had to lay in bed with them until they were both sound asleep . But I didn 't mind β¦ I had suffered separation anxiety just as they had . ( I had taken a leave of absence from work so that I could stay off work as long as I needed . ) Soon after R and L had come home , T 's mother told us that the apartment next door to her was open for rent . ( She lived in one side of a duplex ) This seemed like a great hand of fate for us . We moved into that apartment so that when I did get ready to go back to work , T 's mother could baby sit the girls . This move also seemed to help the girls . I would sit on the porch with T 's mom and the girls would play close to me . Each day they were able to get a tiny bit further away from me as long as I didn 't get up from my seat . ( Of course , Little R 's movements dictated what L would do . She followed her big sister 's cue . ) As Little R became a little braver , so did L . Very soon , the girls were playing in the yard while I stayed on the porch . As the girls became braver , T and I became closer . Eventually , the girls were ok with me sitting in a chair close to their bed until they fell asleep and I moved into T 's bed with him . I know that seems out of place , but I really don 't remember when I became romantically involved with T . It is something that happened and I 'm not sure when or how it came to be . As time passed and the girls , at least little R , became more confident , I slowly began preparing them for my return to work . At first , I went into the house while T 's mom stayed outside with the girls while they played . Then I would go to the store , assuring them I 'd be back quickly and they 'd be safe with Mrs . H . It was a gradual process that seemed to take a lot longer than it really did . But eventually , I was able to return to work for a few hours a day . I was still only working a very few hours a day when Hell came to my life . Oh sure , I thought I had already been through hell and that I was making a come back β¦ But I was wrong β¦ Oh so wrong β¦ It was summer time . It was hot , I remember that so clearly . The day was dry and oh so hot . ( by my time line calculations it must have been June . ) I was sitting on the porch watching Little R teach her baby sister how to build a doll house out of dirt and sticks . Toys were scattered all over the yard , but they were playing with dirt and sticks and their favorite baby dolls of course . Little R with her imagination had decided the dolls needed a pool and had instructed L on how to dig it out . I was laughing at them both because R was trying to teach L to dig in only one spot to make the " pool " deep enough , but L would babble something in baby talk and then proceed to fill the freshly dug hole with the loose dirt that R had taken out . Amazingly enough , Little R was being Oh so patient with her little sister . " no no , tishie , this way " She would say and show her again and again . I don 't know what L was saying but her hand movements and expressions seem to be saying , " Oh , yeah , I get it now " And then she 'd throw more dirt in the hole . ( I have often remembered that time , recalling it over and over so that I will never forget it . My girls playing together β¦ . ) That 's when a car pulled up in front of the house . I immediately stood up and was off the porch and in front of the girls . I had an immediate sense of dread . For one thing , this was a really nice car . It was so out of place in this neighborhood . But there was something else , that I couldn 't put my finger on . I just knew that my stomach was churning with a deep fear and protectiveness for my girls . Two women got out of that car . I remember the car was dark . Black ? Maybe it was a dark blue , but it was dark . Another darkness to my life . The two women identified themselves as CPS social workers . For a second , only a second , I thought they were finally going to help me get Little R into some sort of council . But they started rapid firing questions at me . I didn 't know what was going on . They asked me how often I left the girls alone with T . " Never . " which I had not . Not because I didn 't trust him , but because I didn 't want to leave Little R alone with any man after what she had been through . I didn 't think it would be good for her at that time . " Who , then , baby sat while I was working " I pointed to Mrs . H , T 's mom and said " she does , but I 'm never gone more than three or four hours at a time . " " Why didn 't I have Ruby in therapy ? " was their next line of questions . And I told them that I was trying to get her some help but they were not helping me β¦ And there were more questions , most of them made no sense at all . Then they took Little R into the house and talked to her alone . Then one of the women made a phone call and they stood around staring at us all while we waited for what I didn 't know . T was at work when all this started . But he arrived home , just as a police car pulled up in front of our house . They asked him if he was T . H . And he said yes and they proceeded to search him and put cuffs on him and put him in the police car . Without even saying why ! Then in front of me , in the house , they took Little R and L and the police and the social women proceeded to take off all the girls clothing . I was hysterical by this time , trying to get them to leave my babies alone . The girls were terrified . They were in tears begging for me to make them stop . The amazing thing was , that while both the girls were β¦ Dirty , from playing in the dirt , there was a bruise or a scratch on them . They didn 't even have the normal scratches or bumps that children get from normal child 's play . Nothing ! After the girls were dressed again , one of the social workers took them to another room and the other social worker told me that there had been a report that T was abusing the girls . I told them they were crazy . That I never let him be by himself with my girls and I would know if he ever tried to hurt them , which he hadn 't . That seemed to be a confession to them . They told me to talk to the girls and make it ok for them to go with them . To make it easier on them because they were going to take them temporarily while the investigation was ongoing and I needed to make the girls not afraid . I hugged my girls and told them I loved them so much and never forget I loved them and I would be with them again soon . Then they took my babies and drove away with them . Then they arrested me ! The charge ? Failure to report Child abuse ! I was in jail for three days ! Three days before they allowed me to call my Dad . He bonded me out on the same day I called him . I went home , to my empty apartment . The truth is , I would have went to my dad 's that time , but he lived in another county and the judge wouldn 't give me permission to stay with Dad before my case came up . It didn 't really mater to me , though . I just went home and went to bed and didn 't get up β¦ I was so sick , with depression and fear β¦ I don 't remember how long I stayed in bed . I didn 't eat β¦ Except when Mrs . H would bring over something and force me to eat a few bites or feed me water , which I would have to run to the bathroom and throw up most of the time . How long did that go on ? I can 't remember . I know eventually rent time came and I had no money so I moved in with Mrs . H , T 's mother . He was still in jail , on child abuse charges , waiting for a court date because we had no money to get him out . I did go back to working , full time now , there was no reason for me not to work full time . I walked several miles to the jail downtown once a week to visit T . And I waited . There was nothing else I could do . " They " had all the power , as far as I could see and I had no resourcI called " my social worker " constantly . Badgering her about " the investigation " and when I could have my girls back . Or at least when I could see them . Couldn 't I even see my babies ? ! The answers were always pretty much the same . It would not be good for the girls to visit me at this time , it would only confuse them when we had to be separated again . The " investigation " was on going and they had no information to give me at this time . I heard that statement so many times it was burned into my brain like a cattle brand . The other thing that they said over and over , was there was a high possibility that I would never again get my girls back and they could be stuck in foster care for their entire child hood . They were preparing me so to speak . I know that now . Then I was just terrified . I had seen the movies with the poor kids that were thrown from one bad foster care home to another . Or the kids that lived in Children 's homes under horrible conditions . Not my girls ! All I could do was pray that God would keep my girls out of that horrible life . Maybe a month went by , maybe less and I guess they decided I was ready . The social work came to my house one day and said she needed to " talk " to me . This all seems so fussy now . The memory has a dream like quality to it . I can 't remember the whole conversation but the jest of it was , this woman said that Little R had told them about the " abuse " and I would never be allowed to have my girls back again . They would , of course , seek the court to severe my parental rights , but the court system was so over clogged and full that this might take years . Meanwhile my girls would have to live in a children 's home or foster care if it could be found for them . And they were getting older and by the time the courts caught up to them , they 'd be too old to be able to find an adoptable home for them . They would probably have to be separated , and no one wants that . . And they 'd live in group homes or foster homes until they turned 18 . Never being able to have a stable home life again β¦ The one sentence I remember the woman saying verbatim , was β¦ " If you are selfish , you will cause them to have that life , but you can be sure , no mater what you will never get your girls back . " I remember the pain . OH the pain . My chest really hurt . I felt sure my heart would stop beating . The pain was physical . I also got sick and had to run to the bathroom at one point to throw up . Sign relinquish papers , giving up my rights to parent my girls and they would find them a home together where they would be loved and taken car ____________________________________________ Mrs . H was dead set against my signing the papers . Not because she thought I should or could fight for my children . She agreed with the social worker in that once the government gets involved , you pretty much can 't fight them . She didn 't want me to sign the papers until T went to court , because she figured they would use that as an admission of guilt . So I went to visit T on that Sunday . I told him everything that had happened . I told him my fears . He pretty much said the same thing as his mother about the girls . I couldn 't fight them . They were the government , they would lie , cheat and do what ever it took to win and I would loose . I also told T what the lady had said about Little R 's age . She was almost five years old , almost too old to be adoptable . I didn 't want her to be shuffled from one place to another , each place being worse than before β¦ . T told me to sign the papers . He didn 't care if they used it against him . He didn 't want me to have to worry about Little R that way . And thus the decision was made β¦ . I decided to give my children a chance to have a good life . I decided to make a deal with the devil and give him my very heart , in exchange , my daughters would have a " good " life . It was over that day β¦ The days that followed were just paperwork of sorts . They meant nothing β¦ The day my heart died was on the day I decided . I didn 't know then that I still had a little more to live for . I didn 't know then that I still had more to loose . I didn 't know that there could be more pain β¦ . But there was β¦ . . more pain to come β¦ . . ( When someone new learns that my husband , B , is my second husband , most people hold to the " don 't ask , don 't tell " philosophy . Being divorced and remarried is not that uncommon today . But occasionally , I will run across someone who just thinks they have to know more . " So why did you and your first husband divorce ? " They ask . I respond , " because I was married to Satan . " As I write these accounts of my own past , I find myself wondering who this person was . I remember all these things happening to me . I remember the choices I made . I know that was me , but it doesn 't feel like it was me . It 's as if I was looking at this young woman 's life through a picture window and watching it all happen . Watching it all unfold . Of course , I , the now me , knows how it will turn out . I know what that young woman will do next and what will happen because of the choices she will make . I stand outside that window watching and screaming at her to do it differently . Why ? Why does she keep doing the same things every time I see these events ? Why couldn 't she see what was going to happen ? ! I can look back on it all now and see clearly how the choices I made were my downfall . But I don 't remember why I made those choices . I don 't remember for instance , what was going through my head when I had my Dad bring my girls to me , instead of going to Dad 's house to live there . At first . . Remember , I thought it wasn 't safe for me to be there . But when J was arrested and held without bond β¦ At that time I had no real tie ( romantically ) to T . Except that I thought he was my savior . My rescuer from the dark . My job β¦ Was pathetic at best . And the apartment we lived in was β¦ . Geez β¦ It was small and falling down . It was cheep . So why did I choose to not go live with my Dad and at least have a safe haven for me and my girls until I could figure out what to do with my life . I don 't have a clue ! As I said , I feel disconnected from the person I was then . I don 't understand her at all . I don 't understand the choices that she kept making over and over that always turned out to be wrong ! And yet , she kept doing it over and over until she lost everything ! EVERYTHING ! The choice that I am speaking of is to slowly cut myself off from the people who could have helped me . My family . I know , I had good reason to perhaps be mistrusting of some of my family , with my past . But I should have been able to see past that . I should have seen how my family would have helped me if I had just let them . If not my Dad , then my sister β¦ Someone β¦ Anyone β¦ Would have been better than β¦ The strangers that I chose to put my faith and my life into their hands β¦ But I can 't change that woman 's mind . I stand here looking into the window of her soul and I can 't make her see what she did wrong . I can only watch it unfold β¦ Knowing how it will turn out β¦ Knowing that she had not suffered the worst yet , but surely will because I know how it ends . . I know the loss that I suffered for her choices ! I can 't change it , and I have nothing left to save by learning from those mistakes . Everything was lost . I now can see the mistakes . I can now say I learned from them , but to what avail ? What good does knowledge do when there is nothing left to save ? Starting from where I last left off . I had just had my second child . Another perfectly beautiful baby girl . We , J , little R , L and I were living with my dad and step mother . And once again , I thought I had the perfect life . J was not abusing me in any way . Even though we were living in Dad 's Mobile home , which was behind his house in the back yard . Completely separated from the house , it offered us some privacy . Because we had this privacy and J was not taking advantage of it by hitting me , I thought finally he had decided to keep his promises . It never occurred to me that J knew we were still close enough that we didn 't really have " that much " privacy and he also knew that if my Dad ever caught him hitting me , he 'd be in for major trouble . I went around singing my " tra la la " song of the " perfect life " I was surely the happiest mother in the world . My children were the best babies in the world . R was from the beginning , so smart and so easy to teach new things to . She practically taught herself . " tra la la " Eventually we moved away from my parents . We first moved into a house that belonged to J 's boss . He was security there and the house was next door to the plant . So we lived there , rent free , as a bonus of his work . And so he would be readily available any time . Although he was never called into work on his time off , so I think his boss only let us live in the house because I was my Dad 's daughter . Dad was very well liked by the owner of the metal company that he and now J worked for . But nepotism only goes so far . And so one day J came home from work early and said he 'd been fired . I never did know why he got fired from that job . I didn 't ask , because the fighting had already started again and I was afraid . Again . So , of course , we had to move . This time we moved to another city . Putting 20 miles or so between us and my Dad . That doesn 't seem like much , but I still did not drive , so yes it was far , really far for me . I guess L was close to or about a year old when J decided that I would have to go back to work . Considering my skills , none and my education , none , I couldn 't get a decent paying job . And nether could J . So we both worked at the same fast food place , on different shifts so that we never needed to hire a babysitter . I hated leaving my sweet babies to go to work each day ; but I thought at least I didn 't have to leave them with strangers . How wrong can one person be in a lifetime ? ! This life went on for the next year . I had my head stuck somewhere in the sand of at least my children have both parents and are not hurt like I am being hurt syndrome . Until one day , my own little four year old daughter , little R jerked my head out of that sand . The conversation she and I had as I remember it : I went ballistic ! I couldn 't believe what my daughter was standing there telling me ! How could I have been so blind ? ! I started crying , Little R tried to comfort me . This tiny little four year old was hurting so bad , was trying to comfort her mother . No NO ! This is wrong . And I told her that . I told her she didn 't have to take care of me , I was going to take care of her and Daddy would never ever hurt her again . I grabbed her up and took her to her 's and L 's bedroom . Then I put her down and went back to the livingroom . Then I started randomly picking up stuff and shoving it under my arms to leave with . It took me a while to calm down enough to realize I had to have a plan . I didn 't have a plan . I didn 't know how to make a plan . I picked up the phone over and over again but couldn 't figure out who to call . I was so crazed that I couldn 't figure out anything . For some reason the only person 's phone number I could remember was a friend from work . I had told him a little about J and how he treated me , because I had to tell someone and he was the only one I thought was far enough from the situation to be objective . He had told me many times that if I ever needed his help to call . So I did . I told him I had to leave . I had to take my girls and hide . I couldn 't go anywhere that J might look and I had to do it NOW ! He was there in ten minutes . I took a few clothes for the girls and maybe two changes of clothes for myself . That was all I took . I was too afraid that J might come home early and catch me . After I got to T 's mother 's house , where T was living at the time . I called the police and reported everything . After many hard examinations and interrogations of my little four year old daughter and myself . And a week of we are still formulating a report mam . There was finally a warrant took out on J . But they couldn 't find him . He had stopped going to work the next day after my disappearance and it was found that he had moved , leaving most of our belongings at the house that we had been renting . I did manage to calm down enough to call my dad some time during the first week . But I told him it was too dangerous for me to go there because I was sure J would look there . J had promised me many times that if I ever tried to leave him , he would kill me in such a way that no one would ever be able to prove it was him . He often told me ways he could do just that , proving to me he had given this much thought . I believed him . I was terrified . When the police couldn 't find him , my fear increased . For a while , I sent the girls to live with my Dad . I hoped that soon J would be found and arrested and I could bring them back home . I got a new job at another restaurant . And T and I rented a garage apartment right next door to my new job . I was so afraid of being alone . It was , at the time , very innocent . T was there to protect me . He even walked with me , the 10 - 15 steps to work and back each day . But he was also , there , for me . He listened to me when I had to talk , he held me when I cried for hours . He was there , when no one else had been . He listened to me . He didn 't try to tell me what I should do , or should have done , or did wrong . He just listen and right then , that is what I needed . Weeks turned into a month and the police had still not found J . I called them frequently to see if they had and I got the feeling that they weren 't even really looking . There are so many people out there , mam β¦ A needle in a hay stack β¦ . . If he gets stopped for a traffic violation , then we 'll have him β¦ . . could be anywhere β¦ . Bla Bla . Meanwhile , I was trying to get someone to help me get counseling for Little R . She was only four years old after all . And I surely didn 't know how to help her through this pain or to even help her understand why she was in pain . But I worked at a minimum wage job . I couldn 't afford to go to a private child psychologist . I had to have help . What I got from the welfare department and Social Services or what ever they were , was the Big Run Around . OH , you need to go to this office . You need to fill out these papers β¦ Oh , no you are in the wrong place , you need to go β¦ . . You 'll have to go through this agency β¦ There 's a waiting list β¦ . Bla bla bla β¦ . I was at my wits end trying to find just one person who could even tell me where to go for help . As time went by , I started to think that maybe J had left town completely . I told the police they should check his mother 's home , maybe he went there . They said they checked and he wasn 't there . I don 't know what " we 've checked " meant . Did they send someone out to the house , which was in another state . Or did they call his mother on the phone and ask , " is your son , J there ? " J 's mother responding , " why no , of course not β¦ Oh sure I will turn him in to the police if he comes here β¦ . Sure β¦ . . " Ether way , I started to think that J would not come after me after almost three months had past . So I told T that he didn 't have to walk me to work , next door , any more . One week later , I was right outside the big picture glass windows of work when J popped out of the bushes behind me , and knocked me to the ground . While he was choking me with one hand pressed firmly down on my throat , he began beating me in the face with his other fist . How long did this continue before several men from inside the restaurant and T from our apartment , ran to my rescue , I don 't know . . A minute , maybe only seconds β¦ But for me it was forever . Everything was going black . I was struggling to be free , struggling to pull his hand from my throat . Struggling to breath . It took 4 men to pull him off of me . And J was not a large man . In fact , he was rather small for a man . But he was so enraged that it took all four of those men to not only pull him off of me , but to hold him down until the police arrived , 45 minutes after someone had dialed 911 when J first jumped out of the bushes . The woman that called 911 was my manager . She knew the whole story . She knew that there was a warrant for J and she knew that I had an order of protection against him . And she told the police all this on the phone . 45 minutes ! I would have been dead by that time ! The other strange thing about the polices late arrival was they brought someone from Child protective Serves with them . They knew that my girls had been staying with their grandparents for their safety until J was caught . Why did they wait , in an emergency situation for someone from Cps to arrive to come with them ? I never thought about that then . Only later , when it was all over . Did they already have a plan even back then ? I still don 't know . All I knew for sure at that time was I was alive and J had been caught and was taken to jail . Amazingly enough , and much to the judge 's credit , J was determined to be a flight risk and no bail was set . My babies came home ! I finally felt they and I were safe . A lot worse for the wear but happy none the less ; I brought Little R and L home to stay β¦β¦β¦ . Not that I think J deserves an excuses for what he did to me and my beautiful babies . But to be fair , he was a very very sick man and I believe that his childhood had a lot to do with his illness . J told me one day that he was adopted . This was before we were married and it was said as a " as a matter of fact " statement . We were discussing family and family traits . It didn 't seem to be an important issue to him at the time he told me , just a fact of his life . At the time , I knew nothing about adoption . In fact , I had never really thought about it at all . When J told me , I thought oh that 's nice . For some reason his mother could not raise him , so this woman , V adopted him and raised him as her own child . But I found out that wasn 't really the way it happened . Now , there are holes in the story of course , since J told me what his adopted mother told him as a child . The story as he told it to me , seemed to be some sort of Steven King movie . I was shocked and repelled that this sort of thing could possibly happen in this great country of America . At the same time , I realized that many things could happen if it involved someone with enough money and political influence . ( at the time , I thought I would like to have that kind of power , to change things for the better . Of course , I know that would be just as wrong . You should never use power or influence to change something that goes against someone else 's rights , or hurts someone . ) Here is the story that V told her adopted son as a child . The important thing to see from this story is not how terrible she was to use her power and money to get what she wanted , but that she told this story to a small child ! Imagine what damage that did to his emotional well being ! V was married to a man who worked very closely with several elected officials in the town they lived . He was friends with many of the political leaders in the small town . Although , with the money they had , they were probably only upper middle class , the town they lived in was very tiny and very poor , so V and her husband were considered rich . They were probably the riches family in the town . V was enjoying the good life of respect and yes , envy from her neighbors . She loved that if she suggested something at a town meeting people would immediately agree that it was a wonderful idea , even if they had publicly opposed it before . There was only one thing missing . She had failed to have a child . Somehow , she felt that she was incomplete as a woman unless she was a mother . And that was very bad for her image . So she decided that she would adopt a child . She never went to a doctor to try to find out why she did not conceive . ( Maybe at the time there wasn 't that much knowledge on the subject . ) Her husband did not want a child though and told her that . He was quite happy that she had never conceived . But that was of no consequence to V . She told him that she knew about his affairs , which she had suspected about him but until that time was not sure , and if he didn 't go along with her on this adoption thing she would go public . So husband and wife made a deal . He would go along with the adoption of a child as long as it took , then he and V would divorce and he would give her a one time , large settlement in exchange for her silence of his indiscretions . V chose J because he looked very much like people in her own family . Red hair , very light skin , blue eyes . The problem was , he was a toddler , living with his mother at the time . His mother was a single mother of questionable reputation . She was very poor and worked two jobs most of the time just to keep herself and her son in a small house in a bad neighborhood . It took a lot of money and all of V 's influence to get J removed from his mother . But by the time he was three yeaJune 24 , 2006 Posted by sheribat | When I got married , I broke the silence between my dad and myself and called him . I wanted him to give me away and he did . This brought him and R back into my life , if only by phone most of the time . In fact , now that I was an adult , married woman , I found I got along well with R and called her almost on a daily basis . In the very beginning of my marriage to J , I defined our roles . I was the one who chose to let J be β¦ traditional head of the household husband and I would be β¦ " just the wife " . I wouldn 't make a move in life without asking J , first if it was ok . He , being older and some what " traditional " anyway , took the role I gave him very well . Most things I asked him about he " let " me do as they were tiny things that really didn 't matter in the skeem of things . But when the manager at work again approached me about my posible promotion , J sat his foot down . He didn 't think his wife should make more money than he did . Yes , he really said that . This was the first time I argued with J on anything . I really wanted this promotion . I let being his wife define me , but my work was the one place where I felt I was my own person . I wanted to move forward with that . J was shocked that I didn 't just say " yes , dear " and became very angry . We had our first fight and it was a screaming match that lasted hours . and ended with J making me call work and tell them that I quit . I was crushed . but I did it , because in the end , I thought , " He 's my husband , I have to do as he says " I also had the fear that he would kick me out of his life if I didn 't do as he wanted . As it turned out , I would have not been a good canidate for management at that time . Because I was pregnant . Because I had never been very regular , I didn 't suspect anything until I was already 3 months along . I started having morning sickness even before I realized what was going on . I thought I had the flu at first . Then suddenly one day I was cleaning out the bathroom cabnets and thought β¦ hmmm haven 't used any of this stuff in a while . It struck me like a slap on the forehead . Oh wow ! How cool ! I was going to have a baby . I was so excited . So was J . He was all puffed up like a peacock proud that he had got me pregnant . Other than the morning sickness , which lasted well into my 6th month . I felt great during this pregnancy . I felt more alive and more human than I had ever . It diOur daughter , R . A . was born in August of 1983 , one month before J 's and my first anniversary . We named her after my step mother and J 's mother . She was so beautiful and perfect ! I had a terrible time with her delivery . In fact in the end they did an emergency C - section because my labor wasn 't progressing and Little R 's heart rate went into distress . But none of that mattered after she was born . She was healthy and oh so perfect ! And I was absolutely the happiest I had ever been in my life . I loved this tiny little girl more than anyone I had ever loved in my life . I would have done anything for her ; I would have died for her ! I had never known such a wonderous love before . J , however , seemed to become angry . He was loosing control over me . What he said or did didn 't matter to me any more . My life was my child . The bond between myself and little R only proved to grow in strenghth as she grew older . I no longer needed J to make decisions for me . And this was something that J could not abide . Our arguements became more intense and more often . We would have screaming matches about the tiniest of things . The things that we said to each other were horrible . Until one day , J called me a slut . Out of no where , he just said it . He was right in my face , so close that I could feel his hot breath when he said that word and I lost it . I screamed and slapped him . I 've never forgotten that I was the first one to turn the fights physical . It haunted me for years . I had done this , I had made J hit me , it was all my fault . And hit me he did . He hit me so hard that I was knocked to the floor . There on the floor I crumbled into a ball and cried and J left the house , for hours . When he came home , he appoligized so profusely . He begged me to forgive him and promised he 'd never lay a hand on me again . He cried . Of course I forgave him , I had been the first one to hit him after all . We made all the wonderful promises . We 'd talk more , we 'd not scream at each other , or call names and never , never would we hit each other again . β¦ . Bla Bla Bla all the right words . The new found pact to be closer lasted a week . One week ! Then we were off again . I can 't remember what started that first fight a week later . It was probably something really stupid . But it was just as bad as it had always been , and worse . Because when it was at it 's worst , J shoved me to the floor and sat on me . He told me he was tired of my disrespect and he would have some respect from me if it killed me . Suddenly , I believed him . After that J became more violent very quickly . He would never hit me in the face , where the bruises might show . But he would twist my arms , hit my chest so hard that it knocked the breath out of me and grab me by my hair and slam my head against the floor or furniture . Always , always after wards he would buy me gifts and appoligize with tears and make promises never to do it again . At some point , I knew that the promises meant nothing . But I wouldn 't give up on this marriage . He never did anything in front of Little R . So I thought she was uneffected by it all and she needed a daddy . So that 's how I lived . I would stay with J as long as he never hurt Little R in any way . Meanwhile , I was loosing myself again . I began to really try to keep J happy , no matter what that meant . But it was an imposible task . There was always something that I did , or didn 't do that angered him . Much to my amazement , when Little R was about 2 and a half I found myself pregnant again . I was amazed because J and I rarely had sex any more . I avoided him as much as I could as the bed room had become another place that he proved his dominance over me . Of course , I was never allowed to say no to him when he wanted sex . If I did , he 'd just hold me down and do it anyway . In fact he seemed to enjoy it all the more that way . So our second child was not conceived in love , or even lust , but in anger and pain . But none of that mattered when I first started to feel the little flutter feeling of the baby . All the feelings that I had when I was pregnant with little R came back . I was happy again . Another life , coming into this world through me . And I felt wonderful . As with the first pregnancy , I felt healthier during my second pregnancy than I did any other time . Meanwhile , J had lost his job and we moved in with my Dad and R of all things . The " Never " had come to an end . My dad got a job for J at his work and we didn 't fight while we lived with them . So I was happy . Little R was happy . And the baby inside me seemed exstremely happy . I was sure that this baby was also a girl . And I was right . Latisha Rae was born in November of 1986 . Another perfect and beautiful baby girl . Little R was such a great big sister . She was never jeoulos of her baby sister . She wanted to be with L always . She wanted to help take care of her . She was like a tiny little mother . I loved them both so much I felt I would just die of happiness . I was sure that I now had the perfect life . Nothing could possibly go wrong . β¦ . . Until , of course , it did β¦ . Ok , another stopping point here . MY mirror of the past is revealing so much now . I am almost finished with this reflection of my past and I can feel the pressure as I get closer to what changed me forever . I may finish this today , or I may have to take a couple of days off before I can face the next part . June 23 , 2006 Posted by sheribat | Leave a comment Β« Previous Entries Out of the dark β¦ Who I am β¦ . I am the woman who was stripped of her role in life and thrown into the dark corners of silence . I was beaten down by their degradation time and time until I believed their lies and suffered quietly without words for years . I did what they wanted , I disappeared into the darkness and allowed the pain to engulf me . I allowed them to not only take away from me the most important part of me , but also they took my dignity , my pride and my voice . I became the unwilling member of a club of silenced women . A group that lost everything thing in life that was worth speaking for . Shoved into a shadow , I remained there for years without words . No one could see my pain , my shame , my tears , for I believed that I was not worthy of such display . I will be silent no longer ! After years of my self imposed prison of silence I have discovered that I never deserved the life long punishment I received ! They took my children out of my arms for no other reason than to satisfy their need to create their so called " perfect family " With lies and deception , they took my children and pushed me into a dark closet . They told me that I had no rights as a mother , as a human . That I must live my life in this closet without voice and not make " waves " . And for almost 18 years , I did as I was told . I hid in that closet , terrified that anyone would learn of my terrible secret . I told myself that I was a mother no more . I had lost the right to be a mother β¦ But the truth is out now ! I am a mother ! I never deserved to loose that title or the position . I will not allow their shame to hold me in that darkness any longer . I am out in the light ! I am singing to Heaven ! I am a mother ! A mother who is trying to find her way back to motherhood ! |
I have a huge void in my life . Forget that Ex and I are no longer together . Forget that I live alone . Forget that I flunked out of dental school - twice . Forget that my family lives far , far away . So what , then is the void ? My stupid therapist convinced me to turn in my hoard of pills . I hate her . I wanted them there " just in case , " but she said I cannot have a life worth living if suicide is always an option . The door is always there and I was standing on the doorstep wanting to walk through . Not that there aren 't a million other ways to kill yourself , but it was the symbolism of it . I have the worst headache , my back hurts , my wrist hurts where I broke it three years ago , my stomach hurts , and I feel like throwing up . I am not happy . To say the least . I hate my therapist right now . So much . Posted by I was talking to a friend of mine about life with Ex , and the rapist that was running rampant in my neighborhood came up in conversation . I told her that Ex was working out of town and the rapist had been on my back porch . This was before he had started his rampage , so the police were not that concerned . Two days later , I came home to find news vans all over my neighborhood . The rapist had come back and " chose " the lady who lived on the corner of my block . Two houses away . He probably came back to my house , saw that I had fixed the window latch , and moved on . ( The latch had been secure but was on crooked , so it looked like it was broken . I fixed it and installed a motion - sensor light . ) I called Ex and asked him to come home that weekend . He hadn 't been home the past two weekends . I told him that " it would be nice to have a man around the house . " Oops . Ex proceeded to yell at me for two hours . I still don 't know why he was offended by my words . It was a compliment if nothing else . I called him a man . I said I would feel safer if he was with me . How is that bad ? I did not go into detail with my friend today , but I did tell her about Ex yelling for two hours . She said , " He sounds lovely . How could you let him get away ? " Undeniably true . What a prize . My week has not been a good one . It started out with the therapy session described in " S is for Skin " and went downhill from there . School started on Monday , and in my first class , we were told to interview a person the teacher selected , and then write an introduction of that person , based on a fake and secret bias that the teacher handed everyone . On Wednesday , the guy who interviewed me volunteered to read his introduction about me . His secret bias was , " You feel intellectually superior to the person you are interviewing . " This guy took it all the way . He made fun of my green apple sunglasses . He said it was hard to take me seriously as I " gabbed on and on about aliens . " ( Um , he asked me if I believed in aliens , and I said not really , but I was open to the idea . ) He said I had gone to dental school and it " didn 't work out . " He said I was still trying to get a degree after all of these years . Ouch . Ouch . And ouch . Could he have made me sound like a bigger loser ? Yes , he could . When asked where I would like to travel , I said Belize . When asked why , I said , " Because a dude I know has been talking about it and it sounds like a great place to visit . " That became : " She said she wants to follow a dude she knows to Belize . " Most of what he said was true . ( Although I DO have my undergraduate degree - IN CHEMISTRY , you stupid film major . ) But now , on top of horrid flashbacks from Monday 's therapy session , I have the added stress of this asshole displaying my lack of success not only to the entire class , but more importantly , to me . Is this what people think of me but are usually too nice to say ? Does everyone think ( know ) that I am the Biggest Loser ? Last night , I went out drinking with some friends . I have never gotten so drunk in my life . We went to a bar and then the casino that is a block from my house . Somehow , I ended up in the third - floor bathroom , nearly passed out , when my friend found me . They had to get a wheelchair to get me out . I couldn 't stand up . I didn 't care . I was laughing . Once they got me home and on the couch ( I convinced them not to carry me up the stairs ) , I started crying . They took good care of me . I am lucky to have such good friends . Today , I felt horrible . I threw up quite a few more times . I have a painful spot on my forehead , and my friend told me I hit my head " a few times . " I am not surprised . Today , I talked to both of the friends who brought me home , and they both were concerned but not upset . They thought it was kind of funny . It was . But not really . Today has been the first day since Monday that I have not gotten drunk . I want to drink but still feel really ill . I am left struggling un - fortified with alcohol to help numb the pain in my head . Not pain that can be eased by aspirin . Pain from years of abuse , years of neglect , years of loneliness , years of self - doubt , years of feeling lost , years of feeling useless . What can you take to get rid of that pain ? Anybody ? Posted by I had a horrible session in therapy on Monday . Sometimes I wonder how this is all related back to Ex , and then I remember that I had myself together before I met him . Sure , my childhood abuse had already happened and was in no way connected to Ex , but I had managed to suppress it deeply enough that it didn 't bother me . Then Ex came along and almost killed me , and now everything is over my head and I can 't take much more of this . Monday . My therapist had me imagine my nine - year - old self , and picture my adult self sitting beside her while she read . I did . Then she said talk to the nine - year - old about what she was reading . I did . Then she said to rub her back . Oh , hell , no . I won 't go into the details here because , well , frankly , I have never told anyone , and I don 't intend to start here . Although , what better place than an anonymous blog with a pseudonym to die for ? Still won 't . Okay . Anyway , that suggestion brought up horrible - and I do mean horrible - memories of childhood abuse . I ended up in the fetal position on my poor therapist 's floor , sobbing uncontrollably . So much fun I 'm having these days . I can 't get the ick of memories off of my skin . I have tried hot showers , cold showers , tight clothes , loose clothes , compression , avoidance , and just attempted to scrape it off with one of those gray sanding blocks . Nothing works to cleanse my skin . Nothing . If I believed God answered prayers , I would pray for a train to hit me tomorrow on my way to work . Wishful thinking . If wishes were horses , Christy would get run over by a stampede . Posted by I was making small talk with a coworker who happened to mention that she loved puppets . WHAM ! I had completely forgotten a HUGE part of my childhood . My father made a huge , elaborate puppet theater for me , along with a plethora of puppets that were made of foam , had those huge , spinning eyes , and sticks with a complicated spring - contraption that moved their mouths . I think there was some way to move their arms , too , but I don 't recollect if that is true or not . Either way , the whole thing was pretty fancy . Why did I block this out ? Was it traumatic ? Is the puppet show and all of its demands for appreciation connected to hidden traumas ? Is that memory attached to something dark and hidden for my own safety ? Or is it just something I didn 't care about , so let slip from my mind ? Now that I am thinking about it , I do know that I never liked the puppet show . There was too much pressure to love it ; there was too much pressure to embrace it as a love I owned , rather than one that was forced upon me . I put on my own show behind the theater . I pretended to love it . I had to . I 'm disturbed . I 'm torn between wanting to figure out why I blocked this from my mind and wanting to leave bad memories lying dormant . But are they even bad memories ? I don 't know . I know that I found one of the records on YouTube that we used to play , and listening to it raised my anxiety level by about a million . Of course , I will talk to my therapist about this . And hope that she thinks it isn 't important . I don 't need any more bad memories . Thanks , anyway . Q is for Queasy I usually do not go this long without writing . I try to write every two or three days , so you guys have something fresh to read . But sometimes , I get stuck on a letter . Oh , well , you may be thinking ; Q would be hard . There are not a ton of words that start with Q . That is not the reason , however . The reason is , quite simply , that I don 't want to write this one . I knew Q would be for Queasy at around the letter L . I have been dreading it since then . I feel queasy almost all the time . My stomach hurts the worst in the morning , along with my head . I almost always wake up with both a stomachache and headache . This has been the way it is for years . So long , in fact , that I didn 't even notice it until , in therapy , we started talking about my father . Then I began noticing that I was fine until I walked into my therapist 's office , and while checking in , I would start to feel nauseated . By the time I got upstairs , I would feel like throwing up . My therapist is not a nauseating person ; quite the opposite . So why this reaction ? The queasiness would get worse when we were talking about my father . Sometimes my stomach hurt so badly that I couldn 't sit up straight . The need to apply pressure was overwhelming . It was worse than the worst cramps I have ever had . ( I am not sure why I 'm writing this in past tense . It still happens every week . ) My therapist has educated me about the enteric nervous system . Apparently , humans have a ton of neurotransmitters in the stomach , and that is why troubling things are often felt in the gut . I found an interesting article in the New York Times about it , if you are interested in learning more . It was very enlightening . I think I have mentioned that I felt a cold knot of fear in my stomach every time I would drive up the hill to the house and see Ex 's truck in the driveway , or every time I was home and heard Ex pull up . I never knew what mood he would be in , and it was generally a bad one , which resulted in the fear . Now I know why it was my stomach that hurt . I have been doing a lot of thinking about my morning queasiness and have come to the conclusion that , during the day , I can control my thoughts . During the night , my subconscious mind is given full reign on my memories , and it runs gleefully through all of my past traumas . Which makes my stomach hurt . Which makes for bad mornings . Which makes me " not a morning person . " You would not be a morning person , either , if you woke up with a mind stuck in the throes of tortures past . I feel better after writing this down . It has been bothering me for a long time now . I don 't like to admit ( especially to myself ) that the first trauma I remember was when I was about two and a half years old . That isn 't fun . Result : a lifetime of feeling queasy . Posted by Up until I got married on July 19 , 2008 , I was the most positive person you had ever met . My glass was not only half - full ; my glass was overflowing . I was optimistic and ready to take on the world . God was on my side and nothing could stand in the way of me getting into dental school and using my skills to help people . I was going to help poor people . I was going to help people who were scared to go to the dentist . I was going to help put my nieces and nephews through college . I was going to support my mother . It was all going to happen . Of this , I still have no doubt . Then I met Ex and sent my life spinning down the drain . My overflowing glass is now shattered . I am no longer a positive person . I am the negative of that positive . Before July 19 , 2008 , I used to wonder what it would be like to be pessimistic . I thought it would be sad and depressing . Now I know . It is . Posted by There are quite a few things that haunt me about decisions I made before marrying Ex . Red flags I ignored . Signs that practically slapped me in the face as I sped on past . I am often troubled by these regrettable decisions I made . I often think about the conversation I had at Taco Bell with my mom . This was right after Ex had asked me to marry him . I told my mom that I was worried that Ex saw me as a meal ticket . I had not yet been accepted into dental school , but was well on my way . Ex often talked about all of the things we ( he ) could buy , once I was making a dentist 's salary . Those of you who have been reading this blog for even a little while know my mother is not the most caring . I don 't know why I was asking her for advice . I often wonder about that . My mom just ate her food and told me to pray about it . I had been praying , often . This was before I lost my faith in the power of prayer . I still believe in God , but not that He believes in me . I often wish I would have listened to my own instincts telling me to run . ( I didn 't . Obviously . ) The thing that bothers me the most often about Ex is our disagreement about having children . I had never wanted to procreate . I didn 't want any child to live through a childhood similar to mine , and I didn 't trust myself to be a good mother . Ex lied when we first met , and told me he didn 't want kids , either . This was a conversation we had on our second date . Long after that , we were engaged and on our way to visit my family . We had just been to visit Ex 's family , and his sister told me that Ex had always wanted kids . So I asked him about it on the trip . Of course he did . I often think about myself sitting on the gravel behind the car , on the highway off ramp , in the middle of nowhere , weeping . Why did I not just turn around , drop Ex off at his house , and go on with my life ? I often wonder . Instead , we continued on to my mom 's house and I cried there for hours . That is the one and only time I slept in my mom 's bed . I was inconsolable . I often think of my cousin , who we met out at a city - wide garage sale the next day . She told Ex that she was so looking forward to having him be part of our family , and that everyone really liked him . I often wonder why I put in so much time in agonized thought only to come up with the wrong conclusion . I loved Ex with every part of my being . He wanted children . It was lose him or lose my fear of motherhood . I chose him . Oops . I often feel a small , burning ember of hatred inside of me for what Ex did to me . I was perfectly content being alone . Then I opened my heart to wanting a whole family . Then Ex showed his sociopathic self and now I am alone . I often wonder how I could have been so stupid . I think I 'll go cry myself to sleep now . I 've been doing that often lately , but not about myself , lately . Tonight , I will cry for myself . . . and my unborn children . Posted by The office gossip just notified everyone that the boss is getting a divorce and the owner 's right - hand woman is in the mental hospital . Two things I don 't want to know . Two things that have happened to me that I didn 't want other people to know . I hate the office gossip . She is lazy , snoopy , and annoying . She knows I do not like her . I do not hide my feelings toward her . I have no idea why she notified me of these things . I guess they were just to juicy not to tell . I feel really bad for my boss . He has two young children . He seems really nice , but I only see him in the workplace , so who knows who he is when he is at home . I just know divorce rips a person apart from the inside out . I know it caused me to fail the biggest opportunity of my life - dental school . I know it still hurts , four years later . I know I will forever be " divorced . " The right - hand woman . . . I don 't know . I didn 't know she was depressed or suicidal or whatever it is that drove her to go to the mental hospital . I feel sad for her . She has three young children and a husband . I don 't know how they get along . She works at a different office , so I haven 't really gotten to know her . I know failing dental school was what made me go to the hospital . I don 't know - and I don 't want to know - why she went . It 's not that I don 't care . It just isn 't my business . I haven 't posted for a while because I was visiting family . For some reason , it reminded me of my Epic Plan . So , instead of writing about my visit with family , I 've chosen to write about something that [ didn 't ] happen several years ago . Go figure . My Epic Plan was conceived after I received a text from Ex out of nowhere : " I miss your smile and your laughter . " After I got over the enormous waves of pain caused by that , I moved on to my Epic Plan . 1 ) Start communicating with Ex again . Let everyone know we were " working on things . " 2 ) Plan a reconciliation trip with Ex . We had been to the Grand Canyon once , and I would suggest ( insist ) that we go there . 3 ) We stand at the edge of the canyon , and I make sure there are people within hearing distance , but no one near enough to see us . 4 ) I start a fight . Not hard . It would be much harder to NOT start a fight with Ex . Make sure it was loud enough to be overheard . End result : I die and get to end this miserable life , and Ex gets framed for my murder . It would have worked . I really had plans to do it . I had to tell my current therapist about it so someone would know the plan , which would make it not work . Ex would get off . I figured , since Ex killed me on the inside , he might as well be blamed for killing me on the outside , too . I sometimes regret not committing the Epic Plan of my own murder . Life is full of regrets . Posted by I have a list of people who act the same way . They will claim to love / like me , do something hurtful , get mad at me for what they did , and stop speaking to me . Now granted , they all have serious mental conditions , but still , is there no human decency in these people ? Ex is at the top of that list . He did this so many times , there is no way to count . I clearly remember the time I got home from work one night and he was on the couch and refused to speak to me . He didn 't speak to me for days . Things had been going fine ; I had no idea what I had done to make him mad at me . Turns out , I hadn 't done anything at all . He had gotten home from work early , gone on a bike ride , and then decided I would be mad that he went without me . So he got mad at me for what my imagined response was , and stopped speaking to me . For days . I didn 't even know he had gone on a bike ride in the first place , and I wouldn 't have cared . But I got punished for what he had done . My older sister decided I said something hurtful to her . She stopped speaking to me for an entire year . She and her family missed my college graduation and she was not there for me during my difficult divorce . She said mean things about me to her children . My nephews . One day a year later , she suddenly came to the realization that I hadn 't actually said anything at all , and all was " forgiven . " She explained to me that she understood I hadn 't been mean , and that we could be friends . Life was resumed . I got no apologies ; there was no remorse for adding to the extreme pain I was going through . Nothing . I forgave her because I love my nephews . I will never trust her . But I will tolerate her for my nephews . Last night , someone I have been a friend to got mad at me because I called her on something hurtful she had done . She thoughtlessly used me ( by name ) as an example in therapy group , and even though she knew I was upset about it , didn 't apologize or even mention it all week . In group , I said I was upset about what had happened . I didn 't name her , but she named herself by getting up and leaving . She did apologize via text , which I accepted and apologized to her for not talking to her in private . She then proceeded to tell me why she was in the right . Why it was okay for her to use an incorrect example with my name involved . I didn 't get mad . I didn 't tell her she was an idiot . I simply told her to leave me out of her examples . " No worries about that . " was her reply . And boom , she resigned our Words with Friends game and unfriended me on Facebook . She is mad at me for something she did . Again , I realize these are very screwed up people I am dealing with . I need to choose better friends . Did you notice I said I had been a friend to this girl , not that we were friends . She was never there for me when I needed her . If I asked to spend time with her , she would tell me she was waiting around , hoping her boyfriend would let her spend time with him . The last time we went to the movies , she bought the matinee tickets and expected me to pay for the refreshments ( WAY more expensive . ) I missed the previews , which are my favorite part of the movie , because she had decided at the last minute to go see this particular showing and I wanted to accommodate her . Afterwards , I asked if she wanted to go eat or get a drink so we could talk . Nope . She wanted to stand on the sidewalk and talk about herself and then leave . This behavior was typical , but I never called her on her selfishness . I was pathetically grateful that she had spent time with me , since she has a habit of abandoning her friends once she finds a relationship or someone to sleep with . That isn 't a friend I need . It makes me sad , but I am better off without that in my lifMarcy Appl That woman in my therapy group had better have run into a car this week . Not have a car accident ; that may have hurt someone else . I mean I hope the idiot was walking and tripped over a car and smashed her face . It 's better for something like that to happen rather than me have to smash her face into a brick wall tomorrow . My therapist said to just ask her not to talk to me . But she got in my face . I was sitting down and she was practically stepping on my feet . I don 't normally get violent . I don 't normally even get mad . But she was talking about my family . No idiot is allowed to talk about my family . It has been almost a week and I am still irate . She took something serious and sad and trivialized it with her stupidity . And thought she was cool . I 'll show you cool . I seriously considered not going to group , but my therapist says that isn 't effective . Maybe ho - bag won 't be there . Maybe she will be embarrassed about the bruises on her face from tripping over a car . If karma exists , that happened . I believe . Posted by I have the jitters . What a weird word . But a good one , since it fills two needs I have : to start a post with " J " and to describe my feelings of nervousness about my upcoming visit to see my family . My older sister , her husband , and my four nephews will be driving through my city to pick me up , and then we will stay at a hotel halfway , and then go to see my little sister , her husband , my three nieces , and my mom . Whew ! We haven 't all been together for years . I miss my family . Ex hated my older sister and her husband , which is extremely ironic , considering the fact that they took his side and remained friends on Facebook with him until ( I 'm assuming ) he dumped them once he met his new wife . " Who are these people , honey ? " Explain that . I do wonder if Ex told her he had been married before . My guess is no . But that is another letter . Why am I jittery ? Well , mainly because my place in the family has always been the entertainer . I 'm the funny one . I 'm the one who laughs first and longest . I 'm the happy one . I 'm not happy anymore . I 'm just not . Happiness has flown from me like the spirit flies from the dead . It does not exist in this shell . So I 'm jittery , because I don 't want to let my family know how sad and dead I really am . I don 't want to be fake and pretend like everything is okay , either . I don 't know who to be anymore . I 'm not the me I used to be . Posted by It 's back . I have struggled with insomnia my entire life , but had a brief respite the last few months . I was given a magical little pill called Ambien , and then was taken off of it , but was still able to sleep . I hoped insomnia was a thing of the past . Nope . Sometimes I wonder if it is that I cannot sleep or if I do not want to sleep . When things are really bothering me , I have crazy , scary dreams , and I don 't want to go to sleep when I know they are coming . I know I 've told you about the waves before - how they start out as just slightly odd dreams and then get progressively worse until I wake up screaming . That 's fun . I 'm really tired tonight . Last night , I stayed up until 4 : 00 a . m . and then , even after turning out the light , laid there awake for a long time . I don 't look at the clock once lights are out . It 's too depressing . I really want to go to sleep , but the dreams I had last night were slightly odd . The wave is starting . When I was with Ex , I would lie awake and listen to him breathe and it would comfort me . It was nice knowing that he was sleeping peacefully , and I would lie there and wonder what he was dreaming about . I would think of names for our future children until I drifted off to sleep . Simon and Sophie . Cute , right ? Now I lie in bed and try to focus on my own breathing . It gets scary in my head . No one wants to be in my head . I don 't know if I can call it insomnia when I know I could easily fall asleep if I would just allow myself to do so . I just don 't want to . I 'm scared . I haven 't been going to group lately , but did go tonight . I wish I had stayed home . We do " check - in , " where everyone goes around and says their name , the high of their week , the low of their week , and a skill they used . I told mine . My low was pretty low . Two people came up to me at break and tried to share stories from their lives . One well - meaning girl only succeeded in making me feel sorry for her . The other woman is lucky I was able to refrain from jumping out of my chair and ramming her stupid face into the brick wall . Hard . I am not , by nature , a violent person , but when you are talking to me about something that really matters , don 't be stupid . Don 't . Just shut your stupid face and go sit down . And then , once group recommenced , another girl used me as an example of people being nice and trying to help . They did not help . One genuinely tried , the other was just stupid and wanted to feel important . Don 't use stupidity as an example of kindness . Do not confuse the two , and especially do not involve me . I spent the entire remainder of group trying not to just get up and leave . The only reason I didn 't was that a late - comer was sitting right in front of the door and it would have caused drama . I couldn 't make a clean exit , so I sat there and drew geometric designs and dissociated until group was finally over . People tried to talk to me after group and they meant well but I was so far out of it and so mad and so sad and so over it that I just left . I had to . I had nothing to say to those people . Now I am at home on my couch , drinking . I have been able to not drink for quite some time . I do not think I have enough alcohol on hand to get as drunk as I want to get , which is probably good , because then I get really , really sad and am strongly tempted to just go ahead and take every pill I have . I blame Ex for all of this . If not for him , I would not be in therapy and would not be subjected to stupid people who need to have their faces smashed into brick walls . Hard . |
Posted on December 31 , 2014 by Joachim They had all been more than a little curious as they had left after the viewing of the painting . Everyone snagging a cookie or two before they went on their way . Yael had waved them off , leaning lightly against Quentin as he did . He looked exhausted and Quentin knew it wasn 't all that surprising . This had been a lot of stress for a single young man to go through , after all . " Why don 't we get some rest ? Tomorrow is going to be a big day , all the setting up and preparing . We have to decide what we 're preparing for that meal . It 's been some time since we 've last cooked for so many people . " Yael still was leaning slightly against him at that point though once the door closed and the last of their guest was one , he turned to his companion , one brow quirked slightly . " That is actually a wonderful idea , we 've never done that before , not even with Eoghan and his trips around the world , we 'll just need to get at least two pots but that 's something I can do tomorrow . I can get some beef , some shrimp and veggies . I 'll look online to find more information and I 'll do all that shopping . On Friday afternoon we can start slicing and dicing stuff , sounds good ? " So that was it there . They had sliced and diced , prepared plates , put them back in the fridge to keep certain four - legged fur balls from getting into the plates , they had prepared enough sauces they knew they 'd have more leftovers than they knew what to do with it all . They had set up the table , prepared the broths ( conveniently they used the broth Quentin had been preparing when Yael had finished his painting two days back ) , set everything up . By the time their guests started arriving , the broths were beginning to bubble . Seats were taken at the table , plates handed out and , for this particular occasion , an occasion no one but Quentin understood the significance of yet , they even had wine . Even the twins were handed slight cups . Mira scrunched his nose at his own and was offered a glass of water instead . Once the meal was done , he shooed everyone to the family room where the new painting had been hung onto the wall . Eoghan stayed behind along with Mira to help put things away , to help clear up the table . Once the table was clear , it was Eoghan 's turn to gently shoo Mira off to join the other , telling him they would be joining the lot of them shortly . Finally alone with Quentin , Eoghan tilted his head somewhat to the side , a curious note escaping him . He looked down to the very nervous looking Quentin and set his hands on those shoulders . Quentin stopped his almost pacing and looked up , his eyes wide . There was a tiny hint of fear in them but Eoghan refrained from digging into the other 's mind . Quentin licked his lips to moisten them as best as he could . He swallowed around a lump in his throat . Instead of answering , he opened the fridge and brought out a beautiful cake , already sliced in eight portions . Along with the cake he brought out a bottle of champagne . Eoghan looked at both items , still confused and Quentin stepped closer . He moved to stand on the tip of his toes and once his lips were as close as he could manage to his friend 's ear , he whispered something . As he leaned back , Eoghan 's eyes widened . " Really ? " Breathing in deeply , Quentin nodded . He rubbed the back of his neck and rolled his shoulders . " I think this is the single boldest thing I 'll ever do in my life and I just want it to be right . " Eoghan chuckled , patting Quentin on the shoulder gently . " Here , let 's just set the cake , along with the plates , the flutes , the forks and the champagne on this tray , we bring everything down to the family room . You do your thing and we pop open the champagne , sounds good ? " Eoghan smiled down to him once more and gathered everything onto the tray . Quentin walked to the family room , Eoghan nearly at his heels . The tray was set down and Quentin cleared his throat gently . Silence settled over their guests . " Yael , could you come here , please ? " Eoghan stepped to stand next to Lex , leaning comfortably against him . Yael moved away from the window and stepped closer . Once he was close enough , Quentin took Yael 's hand in his and eased down to one knee . Eoghan hid his grin as best as he could and the rest of their company stood , eyes just a little wide . Yael 's eyes were widest of them all . " Yael , some people would think I 'm crazy . A lot of people think I 'm an asshole , I can 't stand most humans . When you entered my life , you changed me . You made me a better person , you helped me learn patience . I know our relationship hasn 't been an overly long one but every day , as I wake up , I tell myself that I couldn 't spend my life with anyone else . You 're all I want in life . " He paused them , looking up to those icy - blue eyes , a film of tears covering them . " I don 't even know if we can make this work here but I don 't really care . I 'm honestly doing this so you know how much you mean to me , so you know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and that if you ever decided to move on , I think - no , I know I wouldn 't be able to let you go . " As he offered those last few words , he clicked open the box he had been keeping in his pocket all meal long . It was a slim sort of box , black and velvety . Inside , a ring . It wasn 't overly fancy , it was a simple band with a long stone embedded into it . Inside , a few words engraved in a language long lost . " Will you be mine until the very end of times ? " The room was silent , eyes wide from all parties , even Eoghan who looked on , breath held as a single tear ran down Yael 's cheek . His lips pulled into a smile and he nodded . His other hand was in front of his mouth , as if unable to really believe what was going on , it didn 't seem as if it could be real , not at all . " This is so very wonderful , I 'm almost jealous that Yael is the first one of us to get a ring . " He shot a glance to Lex who looked to Quentin and Yael in turn , the laughed and Eoghan blinked . " You guys are going to have to tell me what 's so funny . Later though , much later , for now , cake and champagne ! " He reached for the bottle , popping the cork and managing , surprisingly , to not get champagne foam everywhere . He filled in glasses while Lex took a moment to place the cake to the plates . He stepped to Eoghan however , a soft chuckle escaping him . " Thing is , I thought about putting a ring on that finger of yours , last Christmas . It 's what all that jewellery was meant for , I didn 't think we were ready for the ring itself . " Posted on December 30 , 2014 by Joachim He couldn 't really remember the exact moment he had started working on this portrait . For its size alone , he figured the term ' mural ' was best fitting but that wasn 't right either . It was on a large canvas , thus not a mural and it wasn 't simply a painting of one person from the shoulders up so a portrait wasn 't right either . He had no terms for it and it didn 't really matter . What mattered was that he was done . Yael looked down to his paint covered arms and laughed . This wasn 't new . This was as far from new as it could ever had been possible . Working on this particular painting had left him with paint everywhere on his person , from his arms , to his face and up in his hair . He shook his head and wiped his hands clean on his pants , those were as stained as the rest . He opened the door to his studio and looked briefly out to see if he could spot his companion . From the kitchen , the blond head peeked out , curiosity settled clearly into that face . Yael 's own brightened and he grinned . He almost waved his arms but managed to keep himself standing as still as he could manage . It wasn 't much , he was nearly bouncing on his toes . " Come see ! " Quentin , curiosity piqued even more , wiped his hands on his apron , having been in the middle of preparing some broth , and stepped out of the kitchen , to Yael 's studio and stepped inside once the other moved to the side . He didn 't have to wonder long about what he was supposed to look at , the painting was right there , almost life - size , almost . He stared at it for a long while , his mouth hanging slightly open at the sight . " Yael that is so beautiful . " It was . As far as he was concerned , it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen . " Want me to see if we can gather everyone in for a while after supper ? I bet I can tempt most of them with the offer of hot tea , coffee or hot cocoa with some of those too delicious cookies you 've made lately . I know we still have plenty of them . " " Would you do that ? I really want all of them to see it . I could show it to them Friday when we all get together but I don 't really want to bring it outside and to Eoghan 's place just for that . " " I 'll call them , don 't worry . I 'll call Eoghan and he can see about everyone else . Why don 't you have a shower , you 're colourful again today . I 'll call while you shower and we can set it out in the family room once we 're both done with our current tasks and set it on the couch . It 'll be just perfect there . After that we 'll have to figure out where we 're putting it . " " I 'm almost done with the smaller one too , the one with the older type of clothes . I tried to stick with the clothes I imagine everyone wearing when they were younger and preferably from where they were born . It 's not as clashing as I thought it would be . " He laughed again , looking down to his arms . He really was covered , this time . The painting looked beautiful in their family room , sitting , for the time being , on the couch . There was a wide open space above it , right on that wall though it would have taken a bit more time than they could have spared right then to set it up . Later , they could hang it up and be reminded of the beauty that was their family , though only two of them blood - related , every time they stepped into that room . Yael fidgeted , wringing his hands together as he waited and paced . Quentin had left him be for the time being , knowing that nervousness was more than likely to abound and there wasn 't much he could do about it . Yael needed the approval of their friends as far as this painting was concerned and it was out of his hands and into theirs . Not long after they had set the painting up on its temporary resting spot , they came , all together , at once . Wearing light coats and not even the hint of a scarf . The weather had warmed significantly in the past few weeks and just two days away from the solstice , it was easy to see that spring was in the air . " I 'm grateful that you 've all come here . When I called Eoghan , I didn 't really tell him why I wanted all of you here , why we , both of us , " he motioned to Yael who was joining them , still looking absolutely nervous , " wanted you here . I did bribe him with some of those delicious cookies Yael has made recently and I imagine it might be how he persuaded you all to come this way . So I 'll go and Yael can lead you to where you 'll be at least for the new few minutes . We 're not asking you to spend the night , but this is an important event in our lives , especially in Yael 's . " With that said , Quentin disappeared back to the kitchen and all eyes turned to Yael . His eyes grew two sizes , the jitters of his first time ever in front of an audience robbing him of most of his thoughts . He stared blankly , his eyes unfocussed and Eoghan was the one to step forward , settle a gentle arm over Yael 's shoulders with a chuckle . " Just tell me where we 're going and we 'll go there , yes ? " Yael licked his lips to moisten them . When he managed words , they were so soft he barely heard them slip from his own mouth . " Family room , if you 'd all please . " Eoghan nodded , turning the wide - eyed demon around and he led him , and the rest of their group into the family room . Once there , his eyes fell on the painting and he released Yael who stepped to the side and went right back on to wringing his hands together . He watched as eyes widened and mouths opened slightly to gaping position . This was a good start , he didn 't see anything negative in anyone 's reaction , he felt already somewhat better , he felt less completely stressed out . " Ah , I see you 've all discovered why we asked you to come about . " Quentin 's voice broke through the silence as he weaved his way into the room itself , a tray of cookies in hand that he set down on the table in the middle of the room . He moved to settle at Yael 's side , slipping his arm along that slender waist . " Yael , this is beautiful , I have no words . " Eoghan was the first to find his voice . He stepped closer , studying the details put into the painting itself . It was amazing . It was almost as though he was looking in a mirror . The twins finally stepped closer themselves but Yael caught Cyrille 's gaze more than he did the twins 's own . He was confused , as if he didn 't understand how he 'd made it into that painting himself . He looked to Yael a moment , his eyes wide , confusion absolutely clear as day before he looked back to the painting . " I 've been working on this painting since I 've met Quentin , just about . On and off , I 'd paint it , change it , modify it . Then , Eoghan came into our lives , I sketched him into it . Alexis was added , then the twins and Zora , though when she left I didn 't feel comfortable leaving her in the painting . Armin and finally though certainly not the least of addition , I 've added you , Cyrille . You 're as much part of this family as everyone else . You 've done so much for everyone in your own way , I don 't think we 'd quite by the same without you . You deserve to be in this painting as much as everyone else . " He paused , finding smiles all around as they looked at him . Courage settled into his bones then and he smiled , looking to his completed painting . " I was terrified some of you might not like it . This is the first time I 've had so many people looking at my art and it is such a personal piece that I was terrified of what might come of it . Now I know that it was worth every second I 've poured into it . Every shower I 've had to take because somehow with this painting more than any others I ended up covered in paint from head to toe . It was worth everything . " " Before anyone goes anywhere , I 'd like to offer that we do our shared meal this week here . There 's something special I 'd like to do myself and I 'd feel better if it was done here , if that 's all right with everyone . " Quentin looked around at the group , little nods coming from all parties though there was curiosity in their gazes one more . A curiosity he found in Yael 's gaze as well and that was the plan . " They 're a little strange , I give you that . " Cyrille , sitting besides him , tries to remember if he 's ever liked the idea of playing in the mud . He 's aware that mud - baths are supposed to be good for the skin but there 's also the fact that it 's not just every day mud that folks do use for that kind of thing . " They 're just kids having fun ? " Mira isn 't even looking his face is upturned to the sun , his eyes are closed and he 's relaxing where he 's at . The day is warm though it still requires a light jacket . " They 're throwing mud at one another , Mira . I don 't know what 's so fun about that . Whoever their parents are , I don 't seem them around , I mean , I guess they could be around but I don 't see a single adult anywhere around these kids . There 's this one guy standing at the edge of the park and he 's been watching them but that 's it . " " I guess they could be but I don 't think they 're from an orphanage , too well dressed and I don 't even know that we have an orphanage here in Dunkerque . " Cyrille shrugs and cringes as one of the kid flings some mud in their direction . It lands several feet away but he feels no comfort in thinking they might just start throwing the stuff at strangers they don 't know because they feel like it . Mira finally looks down from his sunning position , he notices the mud splat not far from them and then he looks between his brother and friend . " I think they 're getting comfortable with the situation , how about we find somewhere else to lounge at ? We could have stayed home and enjoyed the sun from the roof , why didn 't we ? " " Oh , right . " Mira looks down next to his feet on the ground , his own empty glass sits there , he shakes his head with a soft snort . " Forgot about that . " " That 's because you drank it all down like an idiot who 'd been out in the desert for who knows how long without any water . " Agni snickered as he stretched to his feet , he stepped over the low chain that hung barely to his knees and stepped out of the park . Cyrille followed suit , Mira moving to their side , right as a mud ball splattered against the back of the bench they 'd been occupying . " I think we moved just in time . " Cyrille shook his head , not much caring for the idea of being struck by mud balls . " It 's a shame we can 't enjoy being outdoor in parks without being afraid that unruly kids will throw stuff at us just because they feel like it . I suppose it 's in how I was raised but I never threw shit like that at strangers , just for the hell of it . " " Mira , you 're always itching for a swim but for once I think I might not actually mind , I think having ourselves a bit of a swim could be nice and we 'd be safe away from mud - throwing children . " Agni stretches , his arms held high above his head as he does so . He groans softly as he feels something pop along his back and sigh . " So we head home ? " Cyrille chuckles , things had been going much more smoothly since they all had talked . Just sat down in the living room , on the floor , knees touching and they had talked about everything and nothing . Brought up how they felt about their current situation , discussed worries and other things that had surfaced in their minds , it had done them some good . " I 'm honestly glad you guys have this pool , you have no idea . I love swimming , Magali would take me swimming everywhere she could when we were out and traveling the world . Even if our parents had planned other things for us , she 'd take at least one day out of our trip and we 'd go swimming wherever we could . The hotel pool , the nearest lake or river , it was so wonderful . " Cyrille sighs softly at the memories . He knows now that with his sister settled in Spain , he 'll see her less often but it doesn 't bother him . It will make the visits all the more important and wonderful . Mira pulls him out of his thoughts as he jumps into the pool , splashing both Cyrille and Agni as he does . Agni blinks , looking down at the little drops of water as they run on down his legs . " If I 'd wanted to be wet , Mira , I 'd have gone swimming , you know ? Oh wait . " He laughs , as though his job is the funniest thing in the world . He slips into the water much more smoothly and lets himself float on his back . He swims better now than he had before though he still isn 't all that comfortable by the idea of being in the deep end . He leaves that for Mira who is an absolute fish while in the water . Cyrille joins the twins , sighing at the warmth of the pool . The day above them , beyond the panes of the solarium is bright and clear , a few clouds in the sky but they are rare . It is a beautiful day . Too cold to be out swimming in outdoor pools and that is why he appreciates his life now . It feels like every little detail was taken into account and he can get away with doing things during certain seasons that he couldn 't while he still lived at his house . From the side , not unseen but mostly left alone , Armin watches the trio swim . He smiled lightly , having waved them in when they had stopped in the doorway upon spotting him . The pool wasn 't a private area and he would not have kept them out . Armin knows that he swims poorly but it doesn 't stop him from appreciating a bit of covered sun . He knows he 's mainly safe from sunburns where he 's at but he can still lounge calmly in a chair and have some of that wonderful sun on his skin without anyone judging him for how he looks . He thanks Eoghan in his heart every time he comes into a situation like this one . His shorts reveal his legs , both of the , the ' good ' one and the ' bad ' one . He feels no shame in letting them be seen , at least by those he now calls his family . This is not something he ever could have managed , or ever will manage with anyone else . Eoghan is the one who keeps on telling him that he has nothing to hide and that he should feel no shame for having been born looking somewhat different from the rest of the world . He 's unique , not a monster and that is all there is to him . He listens to the twins as they splash one another , Cyrille not far from them and he sighs , it is an absolutely content sound . He closes his eyes , letting the heat of the day wash over him and the pleasant happiness warm him inside . This is a kind of life he knows he never would have had if Eoghan hadn 't accidentally woken up his gift and even if an opportunity to go back in time presented itself , he would not take it . Posted on December 27 , 2014 by Joachim Spring was finally beginning to settle in . The snow was melting little by little , uncovering things that might have been lost within its wet and cold arms for the past few months . On this one particular day , the first show of spring 's return was the rain . Armin had woken up to the little platter of raindrops falling against his windows . As they all walked into the library from the backdoor , Mira lingered outside , his face turned up to the sky , his face set to elation as still cold raindrops fell and hit him . He laughed and Cyrille had to step back outside to snag his wrist to drag him inside . " It 's still cold as can be for a spring day out there , Mira , we had to deal with your brother being sick almost two weeks ago , I 'd rather you not get sick too though I know you 're a pretty quiet and calm sick from what I 've heard . " Mira pouted at him somewhat but went inside with the tugging . He wiped his face clean and dry of the water and his feet of the dirt . There were mud puddles everywhere at this point , between the snow melting and the rain now adding up to it . The last thing he wanted was to track mud into their beautiful library . " Had to drag him inside again , huh ? Just you wait , this summer , we 'll have to drag him inside whenever it rains and he 'll be soaked to the bone and you 'd think he 'd have just gotten done getting laid for how he acts . " Agni snickered softly , Mira blinking at him and rolling his eyes . Cyrille could only look between the siblings , amused in ways he couldn 't begin to explain . This was hardly the kind of discussion to have in a library and he could only be glad that they weren 't actually opened to their visitors yet . " Honestly guys , you 're having a fight about who knows how to jerk off best ? That is so last season . " Mira kept their earlier discussion out of his mind as he placed books back where they belonged and made sure that others he found in places they weren 't meant to be went back to their own shelves as well . The work was routine in its own way but he didn 't mind . He could work without worrying that his fingers might try to fall off or that the heat might get so bad he 'd feel like fainting because of it . The place was beautiful , there was low , almost inaudible classical music playing from placed speakers all over the place , it was so soft it could almost be forgotten about . Agni didn 't step anywhere near him , keeping to his side of the library . He was brooding somewhat , not much caring to talk about his private life in the way they had while at the back of the library . Perhaps it just had felt too unfamiliar , this sudden step into a world he hadn 't really tried to discover yet . Of course he had lied to cover himself . He didn 't much see any need to touch himself yet though there had been mornings when he had woken up hard . He 'd only ignored it , turning to the aid of a cold shower to get it to go away . He really was only waiting for the right time to try , that was all . He doubted Mira had tried anything either , maybe he was only putting on airs so their friend wouldn 't think them slow to discover that side to life . He didn 't know and he didn 't care much . Eventually he did let go of the whole thing , focusing instead of checking books over and putting them where they belonged . As they closed the doors , that afternoon , the rain had stopped , replaced by a fine mist that shrouded their surroundings in a pale cloak . Cyrille drove them back home , careful of where he went since he couldn 't see too far ahead of himself . It was just one of those things he didn 't care much about when spring came around . Spring and autumn both had days of mist turning to heavy fog that made getting anywhere impossible as he couldn 't even see his hands in front of his face . It was nowhere near that bad at that point but he was glad when he parked the car in the building 's driveway . " You guys go up first without me , I need to help Armin bring in a box of book into his apartment and I 'll be up once that 's in . " Cyrille stepped around the car and to the back , he popped open the trunk and hefted the box out of it , moving towards the building itself . Armin was not far from him but it was Mira who opened up the door for him . Cyrille stepped inside and Mira stepped out of the way , holding the door open so both Armin and Agni could step inside as well . Once all were within , he released the door . Cyrille stepped down the hallway , Armin a few paces behind him and Agni was turning to head up the stairs . Mira looked between the three a moment before he followed his brother up . " I 'm sorry for this morning , Agni . I didn 't mean to make you uncomfortable . My mouth went off before I could really think it through . " Mira stopped at the top of the stairs , curling his fingers around his brother 's wrist to stop him as well so they could talk . He knew he could have waited until they were in the apartment but he felt bad , had felt bad since lunch had rolled around and it had weighed on his mind since then . Agni blinked at him , looking down to his caught wrists though he didn 't try to pull them away . He knew he couldn 't be mad at his brother , not for long . The longest had only been a few days and it had been back there , when Mira had decided that they needed their own separate rooms . " It 's okay . You caught me by surprise . This is just one of those things I hadn 't honestly really given any thought about and I didn 't feel comfortable talking about it where we were . I guess , if you want to , we could talk about it tonight though , I mean , it 's not a subject I can imagine brothers talking about but we 've never really hidden anything from one another before so it wouldn 't be such a bad discussion to have , would it ? " He shrugged , a little uncomfortable by what he was offering , what he was asking . Mira tilted his head to the side , he released his brother 's wrist and enfolded him in his arms , hugging him tightly . Only a heartbeat passed before Agni was returning that hug , a fierce hold on his brother . They only parted ways after Cyrille had made it up the stairs and stopped next to them , a look of worry settled into his face . The twins shook their head a moment , resting their forehead together . " We 've been drifting apart for a while , I think it 's time for a good and long discussion about where we are in our lives . We should do that more often to this kind of thing doesn 't happen again . " Agni murmured those words before they straightened . " We 're fine , Cyrille , I promise . I think we just both realized we 've been a bit distant to one another lately and we found out how to fix it , I promise . " " I just don 't want you guys to not be friends anymore , that 's all I honestly want . I need the three of us together . " " Do you guys want to do this with just the two of you and should I make myself sparse ? " Cyrille headed back to their door , opening it for them as he did . They stepped inside , quiet for a few moments . Mira shook his head first . Posted on December 23 , 2014 by Joachim The knock on his door had woken him up from a slight doze . Armin 's night had been very short - lived and no amount of rolling over in his bed had helped him find that ever elusive sleep that he had desperately sought to find , without ever managing that much . He didn 't know what had kept him awake but it had been unpleasant . For a while he thought it had been the movie , that somehow it had bothered him , confused him , left some trace on his subconscious but it hadn 't made sense so he 'd dropped the idea . It didn 't really matter all that much . He hadn 't slept and that was all there was to that , he couldn 't change it . Eoghan 's frown and worry remained for a moment more before they faded off to nothing once more . He smiled , straightening as he did so . " I just thought we could spend some time together . At first I thought we could go out to buy you a few more books for your new shelves but since you 're tired I think I know exactly what we should do . How about a trip to the spa ? " Armin stared for a long moment before he shook his head and leaned his weight against the frame of his door . " Out with whatever it is you 're hiding , Eoghan . I don 't even need to try to probe into your head to know you 're hiding something from me . " Eoghan 's face remained calm for several seconds before he pouted . " Drat , you saw right through me . There 's this one surprise I 'm preparing for you and I need access to your apartment , preferably without you in it , for a few hours up to half a day . Exhausted as you look , how about I walk you back upstairs and you can sleep in our guest room ? Lex is working on commissions and he won 't be out and about to bother you . You know how the bedrooms work , they block out everything and anything so if there 's something nagging you , it should leave you alone just fine and you should be able to get plenty of sleep ! " " I swear , I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do with you . Sleep could be nice though , I feel absolutely exhausted . I don 't know if it 's last night 's movie or just something in my memories or even something in my room but I couldn 't drift off . " He sighed then , rubbing his eyes again . Eoghan looked into the apartment , shaking his head as he did . He couldn 't sense anything wrong with where he stood but maybe there was something in the bedroom . " Now if you need anything , you know where I 'm at though I 'd rather you didn 't . You know where most everything is in the apartment , if there 's something you need that you can 't find , Lex is there too and I 'm sure he 'll be done with his commission pieces before too long . I should be up here to get you to see the surprise before the end of the day , I promise . " At least , he hoped that would work out . He 'd snuck the aquarium guys into the apartment when Armin had been at work a few days prior so they could measure and take note and set up the design before they headed out . He really wanted it to be as much a surprise as he could . Armin nodded , seated on the edge of the bed , his crutch off to the side . He rubbed his eyes , feeling somewhat like a child who had been kept up far beyond his regular bedtime . It was a strange sensation . He felt calm however , so quiet and peaceful , as if everything that surrounded him was somewhat like a soundproof box that kept everything out . Late in the afternoon , with Armin settled out on the couch , the green , tie - dye blanket sitting on the back of the cushion not far from him , Eoghan stepped back into the apartment . He was bright - eyed , almost bouncing . He looked into the living room first , just to make sure and if it was at all possible , his face brightened even more at the sight of his friend . " You look rested , at least more rested than this morning , that 's great ! " He laughed , walking over and Armin could tell he seemed quite pleased with whatever this surprise would turn out to be . Armin wasn 't sure if he really wanted to know but there was no backing out of it and Eoghan had yet to do anything for him or give him anything he didn 't actually need . " As ready as I 'll be . Thank you for letting me sleep in the guest room , you were right , I can 't recall last I 've had such a restorative sort of sleep . " It had been dark and peaceful , he couldn 't recall any dreams he might have had , which was for the best really . " Great ! Let 's head down to see your surprise . I swear it 's only half a surprise , it 's one of our discussions that brought the idea up to the surface so I know it 's not completely out there and I 'm not crazy . Not yet . " " Not much , in any case . " Armin murmured with a gently amused note as they stepped out of the apartment and into the elevator , down to the first floor where his door was slightly ajar . Not something he minded , he trusted everyone who lived in the building and he left his door unlocked unless they all stepped out . One couldn 't step into the building itself without a key , or the code for the door . It was one or the other . " You 're so cruel to me , boohoo . Now , you 'll just have to trust me . I want you to close your eyes and set your hand onto my arm . I will lead you safely into the apartment and to the surprise , once there , I 'll let you open your eyes so you can see what it 's all about , sounds good ? " " I already trust you with my life , Eoghan . " He did . At the door , he closed his eyes . Eoghan took his hand and held it , carefully leading the slighter man inside and to the wall separating his living room and kitchen , a wall now filled with water and fishes and coral of all sorts . This is a work of fiction . Names , characters , businesses , places , events and incidents are either the products of the author 's imagination or used in a fictitious manner . Any resemblance to actual persons , living or dead , or actual events is purely coincidental . |
September 10 , 2013 by Andrew Grey Simon " Frizz " Frizzell sneaks away to the rodeo on weekends , and it 's not until after he wins a buckle that he tells his parents about his bull - riding . He knows they won 't approve of his choice of sport , but his parents own a Christian bookstore , and he couldn 't possibly tell them the whole truth : he 's gay . And so are some of his rodeo friends , like Dante and Ryan , and Jacky - a young man he wishes could have been more than a one - night stand . When Simon sets his sights on his dreams , he finds work with Dante and Ryan , and bumps into Jacky on the job . Jacky Douglas is a rodeo fanatic , plain and simple . He loves the ride , and he loves the cowboys . He fell hard for Frizz when they met , and theirs was a one - night stand made in heaven . When they meet again , Jacky thinks it 's a stroke of luck . Frizz takes some convincing , but once he 's on board , they begin a relationship . The fledgling romance faces a challenge when news of it travels all the way to the one place Frizz doesn 't want it to go : his parents ' bookstore . " Hey , kid , give ' em one hell of a show . That 's all you need to do , " said the old man standing near the bull chute as Simon Frizzell walked past to take his ride on Geronimo 's Revenge , the bull he 'd drawn . He kept the Frizzell part quiet and went by the nickname " Frizz , " ostensibly because of his curly red hair . No one on the rodeo circuit knew his last name and everything that went along with it , and that was exactly how he wanted to keep it . " I 'll do my best , " Simon said as he checked his equipment over for the last time and got into position . Bull rope , protective vest ? Check . Hat , chaps ? Check . Sanity ? Well , by most people 's standards that was debatable , but from the rush of blood through his body and the zing , bordering on a high , that sang through his brain , he could put a check behind that as well . The handlers signaled that they were ready , and Simon climbed on the rail . " Ladies and gentlemen , Simon the Frizz will be riding Geronimo 's Revenge , one of the meanest bulls on this part of the circuit . So put your hands together and let him hear it . " Simon the Frizz . That was a new one , but he liked it . He heard the people in the stands around the outdoor ring whoop and holler . It was doubtful that any of them had ever heard of him before - this was only his sixth rodeo . He 'd wanted to ride rodeo since he was big enough to sneak away from his folks ' place to the ranch next door and pull himself up the fence so he could see the men practice busting broncs and take turns riding the bulls . This was what he 'd always dreamed of doing . Simon waved from the top of the fence , smiling wide and mugging for the crowd . Then he climbed over the fence and settled on the bundle of caged power that was Geronimo 's Revenge . He could smell sweat and pure testosterone coming off the beast . He waved to the crowd one more time and then took hold of the rope , making sure his legs were in the proper position before giving the signal . The bull leaped out of the gate , landed , and then bucked straight up , turning in midair , landing and then turning the other way . By sheer luck and the grace of God , Simon managed to stay on . He jumped again and began to whirl . Simon moved with him , trying his best to anticipate the animal 's next move . His training said one thing , but that voice in his head told him something different . He went with the voice , and dad - gum , he was right . That fucking bull switched directions , but Simon was ready . It wasn 't pretty , and he forgot to use his hand the way the professionals did to make it look easy , but he was still on . Simon yelled at the top of his lungs , shouting the joy of lasting this long to the universe . The bull switched gears again , and Simon felt his balance begin to go . Just one more second . He held on , using his legs to last just a split - second more . The bell sounded , and Geronimo 's Revenge seemed to have had enough . He jumped straight up once again , then landed on his front hooves . His rear hooves touched the ground and then bounced right back up . Like being flung from a slingshot , Simon flew off his back . Thankfully , he had the presence of mind to let go of the rope , and instantly he was in the air , sailing over the bull . Simon landed and rolled , hoping like hell the bull didn 't come after him . He 'd only just come to a stop before he scrambled to his feet and raced toward the fence . He didn 't even look back as he climbed the fence . Bang ! The fence shook , and Simon leaped over and onto the ground . He found his feet , barely , and one of the spectators grabbed his arm to keep him from sprawling into the stands . " Whooee , what a ride ! " the announcer called . " The kid 's okay . Let 's give him a hand for making the count ! " The crowd cheered , and Simon went to take off his hat , but realized it was gone . Someone shoved it into his hand , and Simon turned in time to see one of the rodeo clowns nod to him . Simon waved the hat in return and then climbed on the fence , holding his hat high to the Saturday rodeo crowd while he waited for the score . " Well , folks , it wasn 't pretty , " the announcer said , and a chuckle went up from the ring of bleachers that lined the ring . " But Frizz stayed on Geronimo 's Revenge , and that 's a feat , I must say . The score for that ride is 87 . 3 . He 's in the money , folks . " The crowd cheered once again . Simon knew that because of his ranking , most of the score had been for the bull , but he 'd take it . Like the announcer had said , it might not have been pretty , but he 'd done it . Simon waved one last time and then climbed down from the fence and headed around the arena walkway toward the space between sets of bleachers . " Frizz , you did it , " Gardner cried as soon as Simon made his way behind the crowd . Simon and the bronc rider had formed a deep friendship over the years . They 'd grown up relatively close together outside Oklahoma City and had discovered a mutual love of rodeo . Simon and Billy Bob - which was why he went by Gardner - shared rooms at rodeos to save expenses . Gardner 's dad was like a second father to him , and they were the only two people who knew Simon 's little secret . " Can 't believe you stayed on that sumbitch ! " Gardner teased . August 9 , 2013 by Andrew Grey Love Comes in Darkness , the follow up to Love Comes Silently released at midnight last night . This story really truly touched my heart . The opening scene with Howard in the car and being left by the side of the road came to me while I was laying awake one night . The helplessness , loneliness , and fear of being stranded that way had me shaking and I couldn 't get those feelings to go away until I 'd written the scene . " I didn 't mean that and you know it , " Howard retorted . Riding in strange cars was always very disorienting for him . He had no idea how fast he was going , and the sound of the road varied with tires , pavement , and even the wind . Cedric had shown up at Howard 's with what he said was a new car . But there was none of the scent he equated with a " new " car , and the seats had enough lumps that Howard had to consciously keep from fidgeting . He only hoped he wasn 't riding in some sort of death trap . On the surface the offer sounded good , and a few days ago , Howard probably would have said yes without question . Before what had happened . Cedric lived just down the street in a second - floor apartment . It was summer , and when Howard had opened his front door , he 'd felt the sun on his face , so he 'd decided to take a short walk . He 'd picked up his cane and made sure he had his keys before he closed the door behind him and navigated the two steps down to the walk . Eight steps later , he reached the sidewalk and began his careful journey to Cedric 's . The air had been warm , and people must have had their windows open , because he 'd heard snippets of conversation mixed with television programs as he made his way . He knew where he was by the feel of each section of the sidewalk . To most people it felt the same , but to Howard 's keen senses , small differences in pitch , places where tree roots had raised slabs , even cracks , were like signposts telling him exactly where he was . At the large crack that made one piece of the walk rock slightly , Howard took two more steps , then made the turn as he verified with his cane that he was truly where he thought he should be . He took the twelve steps and climbed the three stairs to the porch in front of the house . He stepped across the porch , careful to avoid the loose floorboard . Howard felt for the doorbell and was about to ring it when faint sounds drifted down the fourteen steps he knew were in front of him . Howard pulled open the screen door and quietly took a step inside . Yes , it was what he 'd thought . Loud moans reached his ears , and then a cry of , " Fuck me , " in what was most definitely Cedric 's voice . Howard stood stock - still , unable to move . A Harley Davidson rumbled as it came up the street , the potato - potato sound vibrating around him . Howard opened the door and stepped out , then let it close behind him . Then , as dejection cascaded off him , Howard had slowly made his way home . " But you need help , " Cedric said again , and Howard refrained from grinding his teeth . " There are so many things I can do . " Cedric stroked Howard 's leg , so Howard pulled it away , shifting closer to the door . When they 'd first met , Cedric had been solicitous . He 'd helped without intruding and had actually made Howard 's life easier and better . Howard had fallen in love with him quickly - way too quickly , it turned out . " I don 't think so , " Howard said . " Just give it a little more time . " They were on their way to a party being given by his friend Ken , and he just wanted to get there and have a nice evening . He should have canceled on Cedric and called to see if Ken could pick him up . " I 've given things plenty of time already . How long am I going to have to wait before we can be together ? " Cedric asked . Instantly Howard regretted this whole thing and wished he was back home , where he wasn 't under Cedric 's control . " Get out ! " Cedric said roughly . " You think you 're so independent and don 't need me , then you can find your own way to the party . Now open the damned door and get the hell out . " " Get the fuck out ! " Cedric screamed , and suddenly Howard was more afraid of Cedric than anything else . Howard felt for the handle and pulled it . He pushed the door open and unfastened the seat belt . Then he carefully got out of the car and stood up . He closed the door . Tires squealed , and he turned away as bits of gravel pelted him . He listened as Cedric 's car sped up and the sound disappeared into the whizzing of traffic as it zoomed by him . Howard didn 't move . He didn 't even have his cane with him . He had folded it up when he got into the car , and it must have shifted when Cedric braked , because he didn 't have it with him . Slowly , he took baby steps back from traffic . Just a few - he didn 't dare go any farther . He had no idea where he was or what was around him , other than cars passing by . Was there a ditch , a wire fence , a creek ? He had no idea . At least he should be far enough back that he wouldn 't be hit . " Don 't panic , think , " he told himself as he pushed down the fear that welled inside him . With no points of reference other than the cars flying by and the ground under his feet , he was lost and getting more confused by the second . To make matters worse , the wind was coming up and the heat from the sun he 'd felt when he 'd first gotten in the car was gone . He inhaled deeply and groaned when he smelled water in the air . It was likely coming off Lake Superior , but it shouldn 't be in that direction . Either that or he was very turned around and even more lost than he thought . He patted his pockets quickly and found his phone . Breathing a small sigh of relief , he raised it to his ear . " Call Ken , " he said , and then he took a deep breath to calm his nerves . " Ken , " Howard said when the phone was answered , but all he heard was a mumble . " Patrick , is that you ? " Two simple vocal tones sounded . " I need Ken . We were on our way to the party and β¦ well , Cedric and I had a fight , and he left me along the side of the road . " A long wait followed , and then he heard movement behind Patrick . " Howard , what happened ? " Ken asked as he came on the phone . " Patrick looks like he 's ready to kill someone . Are those cars I 'm hearing ? Are you by a freeway ? " " Yeah , " Howard said as he swallowed hard . " Cedric kicked me out of the car . I 'm standing by the side of the road . We were on our way to the party and we had a fight . He kicked me out of the car and left me , " he repeated , desperation kicking in . " Is she okay ? " Howard asked , forgetting for a moment about his predicament . Seven - year - old Hanna had been through leukemia treatments , and everyone hoped she remained cancer - free . " She 's fine . Just routine follow - up , " Ken said . " I called you last week and β¦ shit , Cedric answered your cell . Let me guess , he didn 't give you the message . " " Do you know where you are ? " Ken asked . " We 're on our way to the car . " He heard a door close in the background . " I must be someplace between Marquette and Pleasanton , but I 'm not sure where . I 'm by the highway . We 'd been traveling for about ten minutes , I think , if that helps . " " It does . Just stay on the line , " Ken said . " We 're leaving now . " The connection clicked , and for a second Howard thought he was going to lose them . " Hanna and Patrick are in the car with me . The phone is on hands - free , so I can drive . " " Okay , " Howard said a bit nervously as cars continued to zoom by . " I think someone is stopping . God , I hope it isn 't Cedric coming back . " " Okay . The car is definitely stopping . But I don 't know if it 's Cedric 's . " He would have known the old one by the ticking sound the engine made , but he hadn 't immediately registered a unique sound for Cedric 's latest car . Howard heard a car door slam closed and he flinched slightly . " Yes , please , " Howard said , turning toward the sound of the voice . " I have friends coming to get me . Can you tell me exactly where I am ? " " I 'll stay with you until your friends arrive , " the man said . " They can call you when they get close . " Howard relayed the message to Ken , who swore again . " You can sit in my truck if you want , " the man said . Howard heard him take a step closer , and he tensed . The man 's touch on his arm made him jump , but only for a second . " Sorry . I didn 't mean to startle you . Let me guide you toward the truck . " His touch was gentle and he stayed slightly behind , guiding rather than tugging Howard forward . Cedric had never gotten the hang of walking with him . He 'd always tried to pull Howard along . " I 'm Gordon Jarrett , but my friends call me Gordy . " " I didn 't mean that and you know it , " Howard retorted . Riding in strange cars was always very disorienting for him . He had no idea how fast he was going , and the sound of the road varied with tires , pavement , and even the wind . Cedric had shown up at Howard 's with what he said was a new car . But there was none of the scent he equated with a " new " car , and the seats had enough lumps that Howard had to consciously keep from fidgeting . He only hoped he wasn 't riding in some sort of death trap . On the surface the offer sounded good , and a few days ago , Howard probably would have said yes without question . Before what had happened . Cedric lived just down the street in a second - floor apartment . It was summer , and when Howard had opened his front door , he 'd felt the sun on his face , so he 'd decided to take a short walk . He 'd picked up his cane and made sure he had his keys before he closed the door behind him and navigated the two steps down to the walk . Eight steps later , he reached the sidewalk and began his careful journey to Cedric 's . The air had been warm , and people must have had their windows open , because he 'd heard snippets of conversation mixed with television programs as he made his way . He knew where he was by the feel of each section of the sidewalk . To most people it felt the same , but to Howard 's keen senses , small differences in pitch , places where tree roots had raised slabs , even cracks , were like signposts telling him exactly where he was . At the large crack that made one piece of the walk rock slightly , Howard took two more steps , then made the turn as he verified with his cane that he was truly where he thought he should be . He took the twelve steps and climbed the three stairs to the porch in front of the house . He stepped across the porch , careful to avoid the loose floorboard . Howard felt for the doorbell and was about to ring it when faint sounds drifted down the fourteen steps he knew were in front of him . Howard pulled open the screen door and quietly took a step inside . Yes , it was what he 'd thought . Loud moans reached his ears , and then a cry of , " Fuck me , " in what was most definitely Cedric 's voice . Howard stood stock - still , unable to move . A Harley Davidson rumbled as it came up the street , the potato - potato sound vibrating around him . Howard opened the door and stepped out , then let it close behind him . Then , as dejection cascaded off him , Howard had slowly made his way home . " But you need help , " Cedric said again , and Howard refrained from grinding his teeth . " There are so many things I can do . " Cedric stroked Howard 's leg , so Howard pulled it away , shifting closer to the door . When they 'd first met , Cedric had been solicitous . He 'd helped without intruding and had actually made Howard 's life easier and better . Howard had fallen in love with him quickly - way too quickly , it turned out . " I don 't think so , " Howard said . " Just give it a little more time . " They were on their way to a party being given by his friend Ken , and he just wanted to get there and have a nice evening . He should have canceled on Cedric and called to see if Ken could pick him up . " I 've given things plenty of time already . How long am I going to have to wait before we can be together ? " Cedric asked . Instantly Howard regretted this whole thing and wished he was back home , where he wasn 't under Cedric 's control . " Get out ! " Cedric said roughly . " You think you 're so independent and don 't need me , then you can find your own way to the party . Now open the damned door and get the hell out . " " Get the fuck out ! " Cedric screamed , and suddenly Howard was more afraid of Cedric than anything else . Howard felt for the handle and pulled it . He pushed the door open and unfastened the seat belt . Then he carefully got out of the car and stood up . He closed the door . Tires squealed , and he turned away as bits of gravel pelted him . He listened as Cedric 's car sped up and the sound disappeared into the whizzing of traffic as it zoomed by him . Howard didn 't move . He didn 't even have his cane with him . He had folded it up when he got into the car , and it must have shifted when Cedric braked , because he didn 't have it with him . Slowly , he took baby steps back from traffic . Just a few - he didn 't dare go any farther . He had no idea where he was or what was around him , other than cars passing by . Was there a ditch , a wire fence , a creek ? He had no idea . At least he should be far enough back that he wouldn 't be hit . " Don 't panic , think , " he told himself as he pushed down the fear that welled inside him . With no points of reference other than the cars flying by and the ground under his feet , he was lost and getting more confused by the second . To make matters worse , the wind was coming up and the heat from the sun he 'd felt when he 'd first gotten in the car was gone . He inhaled deeply and groaned when he smelled water in the air . It was likely coming off Lake Superior , but it shouldn 't be in that direction . Either that or he was very turned around and even more lost than he thought . He patted his pockets quickly and found his phone . Breathing a small sigh of relief , he raised it to his ear . " Call Ken , " he said , and then he took a deep breath to calm his nerves . " Ken , " Howard said when the phone was answered , but all he heard was a mumble . " Patrick , is that you ? " Two simple vocal tones sounded . " I need Ken . We were on our way to the party and β¦ well , Cedric and I had a fight , and he left me along the side of the road . " A long wait followed , and then he heard movement behind Patrick . " Howard , what happened ? " Ken asked as he came on the phone . " Patrick looks like he 's ready to kill someone . Are those cars I 'm hearing ? Are you by a freeway ? " " Yeah , " Howard said as he swallowed hard . " Cedric kicked me out of the car . I 'm standing by the side of the road . We were on our way to the party and we had a fight . He kicked me out of the car and left me , " he repeated , desperation kicking in . " Is she okay ? " Howard asked , forgetting for a moment about his predicament . Seven - year - old Hanna had been through leukemia treatments , and everyone hoped she remained cancer - free . " She 's fine . Just routine follow - up , " Ken said . " I called you last week and β¦ shit , Cedric answered your cell . Let me guess , he didn 't give you the message . " " Do you know where you are ? " Ken asked . " We 're on our way to the car . " He heard a door close in the background . " I must be someplace between Marquette and Pleasanton , but I 'm not sure where . I 'm by the highway . We 'd been traveling for about ten minutes , I think , if that helps . " " It does . Just stay on the line , " Ken said . " We 're leaving now . " The connection clicked , and for a second Howard thought he was going to lose them . " Hanna and Patrick are in the car with me . The phone is on hands - free , so I can drive . " " Okay , " Howard said a bit nervously as cars continued to zoom by . " I think someone is stopping . God , I hope it isn 't Cedric coming back . " " Okay . The car is definitely stopping . But I don 't know if it 's Cedric 's . " He would have known the old one by the ticking sound the engine made , but he hadn 't immediately registered a unique sound for Cedric 's latest car . Howard heard a car door slam closed and he flinched slightly . " Yes , please , " Howard said , turning toward the sound of the voice . " I have friends coming to get me . Can you tell me exactly where I am ? " " I 'll stay with you until your friends arrive , " the man said . " They can call you when they get close . " Howard relayed the message to Ken , who swore again . " You can sit in my truck if you want , " the man said . Howard heard him take a step closer , and he tensed . The man 's touch on his arm made him jump , but only for a second . " Sorry . I didn 't mean to startle you . Let me guide you toward the truck . " His touch was gentle and he stayed slightly behind , guiding rather than tugging Howard forward . Cedric had never gotten the hang of walking with him . He 'd always tried to pull Howard along . " I 'm Gordon Jarrett , but my friends call me Gordy . " July 16 , 2013 by Andrew Grey There are times as a writer when you are hit by an idea that really knocks your socks off . When that happens , you get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars . Stranded was that kind of story for me . There are many plot points that have been used again and again . I 'm not saying there is anything wrong with them , they work . But coming up with something different is difficult . So when I saw a car sitting in the desert when I was in Albuquerque for a convention , I had one of those excited moments because I thought of handcuffing my hero in the car . The heat , the tension , the stress β¦ all of it hit me at once . All the will to survive that would be sapped by the heat and I was excited . I had already been thinking of a life imitating art type of idea , so the story for stranded started to take shape . From there I developed my characters and then wrote the story . I really hope you 'll give it a try . And I hope you love it . Is this life imitating art or art imitating life ? The only thing he 's sure of is that the situation he finds himself in is a copy of a scene he filmed earlier , only this time , there is no director yelling " cut " and no crew to rescue him . Terrified for his life , Kendall takes comfort remembering happier times with his long - time lover , Johnny . He hasn 't seen Johnny in weeks since Johnny stayed behind to finish his latest best - selling novel . As he attempts to survive scorching - hot days and freezing nights , Kendall tries to figure out who did this to him . Could it be Johnny , or the research assistant he suspects Johnny is having an affair with ? Both options fill him with bitterness . Or is it a more likely suspect ? Kendall has a stalker who sends him flowers and always seems to know where he is . But what does this stranger have to gain by leaving Kendall stranded in the middle of nowhere ? The door buzzer sounded . Kendall hated to leave , but he knew it was probably the messenger , so he turned and left the apartment , then took the flight of stairs to the main level . Sure enough , he saw a bicycle messenger waiting outside the door . He took the package and gave the kid a tip before making sure the door closed tightly and then going back to the apartment . Johnny was back at work , immersed in his story , and Kendall knew he needed to let him work . " So , what do you think ? " Johnny asked . The lid of his computer was closed and Johnny handed him a glass of iced tea . " I figured you could use something to drink . " " Yeah , I think so , " Kendall said as he took the glass and drank down half of it . " This is β¦ . " Kendall swallowed . " I think this could be very powerful , but I don 't know if I can do it . " He opened the script and found the pages he wanted . " The main character gets stranded in a car . You know I 'm claustrophobic , and they want to handcuff me in a car for hours on end . " Kendall could already feel the sweat threatening to break out all over at the thought . Johnny read for a few minutes . " Hey , think about it . The car will only be parts of a car , because they have to film it . So while it 'll look like you 're stuck in a car , you won 't really be . " Johnny handed him back the script . " I think you 're trying to psych yourself out so you won 't have to do this . " Johnny sat next to him . " Here in New York , you 're a big fish . Everyone knows who you are , and yes , you can get almost any part you want . But this would be like starting new . You should be excited , not afraid . " " No . I 'm only returning the favor . You encouraged me with my first book , and now it 's time for me to do the same for you . You need to spread your wings . " Johnny lightly patted his leg and then leaned in and kissed him softly . Kendall hoped for something a little warmer , and attempted to pull Johnny closer , but he pulled away . " I have an appointment with one of the librarians at Columbia . " Johnny glanced at his watch . " I 'll only be gone for a couple of hours , and when I get back , we can have dinner together . I promise . " " On a Sunday afternoon ? " Kendall asked , but Johnny was already up and going . He grabbed a light jacket and hurried out of the apartment . Kendall didn 't know what the hell to do , so he went back to the bedroom and opened the book he 'd started earlier . But he couldn 't concentrate . A cell phone ringtone sounded , and he snapped the book closed and located Johnny 's phone . He answered it to stop its incessant ringing . " Hello , " Kendall said tentatively . The line was quiet for a few seconds . " No , that 's okay . I 'll see him later . " The call disconnected , and Kendall stared at the blinking number . He set the phone on the coffee table and was about to go back to his reading , but instead , he picked up the phone again and brought up the call history . While there was no name in contacts , Johnny had been getting calls from the same number every few days for at least the past month or so . Kendall closed the phone and placed it back where he 'd found it . He needed something to do , so he decided to start dinner . He chopped vegetables and got them ready to cook . He seasoned the beef he 'd bought earlier and let that sit to build up some flavor , and peeled potatoes before getting them ready to boil . The entire time , Kendall found himself staring every few seconds at Johnny 's phone , and finally he allowed himself to voice what he was fearing : Is Johnny having an affair ? At least that would explain the complete lack of interest . God , he didn 't want to think so , and his heart ached . He still loved Johnny , and he needed him . Johnny was his anchor , his rock - he always had been . " I know , and you 'll have it . I need to think things over . I know how you feel , and I 'm giving this a lot of thought , " Kendall said as he wandered over to the window , peering out at the relatively quiet street below . " I have to be honest that I 'm nervous about doing it . " " Of course you are , " Sal said . Kendall settled on the bench and watched the people and cars as they navigated the narrow street . " This is going to be different with all new people , but I know you 're right for this part . I 've represented many people who 've gone from Broadway to Hollywood over my career , and rarely have any of them received a vehicle as perfect for them to make the transition as you have . " " Don 't take that tone with me . I know how you feel about enclosed spaces , but that 's why it 's perfect for you . Use that fear in the movie . Let them see what that does to you and your character . Don 't run from it - embrace it . Trust me , " Sal said , and Kendall sighed softly . " I told you it was perfect . " " If you say so , " Kendall said as a cab pulled up in front of the building . " As I said , I 'll be sure to call you Monday morning . " The cab door opened , and Johnny got out . " I need to go . Johnny just got home from the library , and I need to get dinner ready . " Kendall 's smile at the thought lasted until he saw another man lean out of the cab . He appeared to be speaking to Johnny . The other man disappeared from view back in the cab , and Kendall saw Johnny lean inside the vehicle for a few seconds and then back out once again . Johnny closed the cab door , and Kendall could have sworn he saw a huge smile on Johnny 's face before he disappeared from view . " I 'm here , " he said . " Tell the people in Hollywood I 'll do it . " Kendall said . Maybe three or four months on his own to explore a bit and figure out what he really wanted wasn 't such a bad idea , after all . June 22 , 2013 by Andrew Grey Former model Brent Phillips now works the other side of the camera . He makes his money on senior portraits but wants to create an art exhibition . His only problems are lack of a central image and a three - week deadline . May 27 , 2013 by Andrew Grey Last October I was at a conference with a friend , Hope . I had finished a novel and was looking for an idea . At the conference I attended a seminar on storytelling and the leader quoted Henningway 's answer to the challenge to tell a story in as few words as possible . His response was " For sale , baby shoes , never worn . " I was fascinated with the idea and after talking it over with Hope the entire ride home , I began this story . Brad Torrence is next on the chopping block at the newspaper where he works . Hungry for any source he can find , he runs across an ad in the classifieds : For Sale : Nursery Items , Never Used . It 's the lead he 's been looking for . Thinking a piece about the loss of a child will give him the edge he needs to keep his job , Brad follows up . He doesn 't expect a single man to answer . Brad digs into his stories and Cory 's life , eager to know everything about the man who 's caught his attention . But when a lead points him to the hospital where Cory works , he unearths a mystery that might have been safer left buried . Brad 's search for a story could prove deadly β¦ . The man on his doorstep was as young as he 'd sounded on the phone , with deer - in - the - headlights eyes and a nervous smile . " Hello , I 'm Brad Torrence from the Crier , " he said and extended his hand . The kid looked a bit like an excited puppy . " Cory Wolfe , " he said , and they shook hands . Cory stepped back so Brad could enter and then closed the door . He motioned toward the living room . He waited for Brad to take a seat and then he sat in his favorite leather chair . " This is a great room , " Brad said with a touch of awe in his voice . Then he sat and waited . Cory got the impression he was waiting for something . " You wanted to ask me some questions ? I 'm a little unsure why you 'd want to interview me , " Cory said . " But I 'll try to help . " " Wait , let 's back up . There 's never been a wife . I think we have a misunderstanding of some kind . I 'm not married and never have been , " Cory clarified . Brad became jittery , and for a second Cory thought he might hyperventilate . " Yes . Like I said , I never had a wife , but I was getting ready to have a baby , " Cory said . " I had a partner a few years ago , but he wasn 't interested in children , though I was . That and , well , other things , doomed the relationship β¦ . " " I can , " Brad said . " Your ad caught my attention , and I thought there was a story behind it . I 'll admit that I was expecting to do a story about mothers recovering from grief after the loss of a child . My mother lost three babies after me . " Cory nodded thoughtfully and then stood up . " Come on , " he said , and Brad stood up . Cory led him up the stairs , and at the small landing , he opened the door and turned on the light . He hated entering this room now . Brad stepped inside , but Cory remained in the hallway , physically unable to enter . " This was to be Adam 's room . I picked out the furniture , painted the walls . I spent days picking out just the right color blue . Then I asked a friend to paint the teddy bears on the walls , and we even added stars to the ceiling . " Cory didn 't look up . Unable to take any more , Cory stepped away from the door and waited for Brad to come out of the room . Then Cory turned off the bedroom light and closed the door . Without saying anything more , Cory led the way down the stairs and back to the living room , where he once again sat in his chair . Cory wasn 't sure why he opened up , but he did . " About a year ago , I found out my best friend , Eileen , was pregnant . She wasn 't married and was barely able to take care of herself . Eileen was wonderful , but there wasn 't a maternal bone in her body . She 'd decided that she wanted to put the baby up for adoption , and I asked if I could adopt the child . " Cory 's voice broke , and he yanked a tissue from the box on the lower shelf of the end table . He never thought he 'd keep tissues in various rooms of his house , but for months now he 'd needed them . " Eileen was thrilled . She would still get to be a part of her baby 's life , and that was all she wanted . " " After we found out she was having a boy , I came up with the name , and Eileen liked it , so we started referring to him as Adam . I bought the nursery things and fixed up the room upstairs . Everything was ready . " Cory paused and blew out his breath . He needed to get himself under control . What he wasn 't prepared for was Brad to reach over and touch his hand . Cory hadn 't been touched in quite a while , and he liked it . The gesture was probably a breach of journalistic integrity and objectivity or something like that , but it was what he desperately needed . " Please , take your time , " Brad told him . " I 'll listen . " Cory thought he might have seen tears in Brad 's eyes , but it was hard to tell through his own . " Eileen was about eight months pregnant , and she was at home . I hadn 't heard from her that day , so I stopped by after work . I found her on her kitchen floor , where she 'd fallen . " Cory figured he might as well finish the story and get it over with . " The autopsy showed that she had a blood vessel burst in her brain . It was probably a defect she 'd had since birth , and it burst . They said she died pretty quickly . " Cory shrugged . " Some . I actually found a group for people who lost children in Harrisburg - eleven women and me . The thing was , at the time I didn 't consider my grief as bad as theirs . I wasn 't the one who 'd carried the child , but β¦ . " |
Copyright Β© 2008 by Grant Bentley . All Rights Reserved . If any nice person , nasty person , place , event , happening , thing or sport seems familiar , it is purely coincidental . " Hey faggot ! " I yelled as I walked up to him and punched him in stomach , causing him to double over in pain . " You make me sick , you queer fuck , " I yelled . " Why don 't go somewhere else ? You don 't belong here β¦ you don 't belong anywhere . " Of course everyone turned around to see who I was yelling at β¦ like they didn 't already know . I mean , who would I be yelling ' faggot ' at ? Robbie Burdett , who else ? It was bad enough the guy was a faggot , but he didn 't even try to hide it . I mean he was , like , right out there , as if it was something to be proud of or whatever . I couldn 't believe it . What was with that shit ? It was disgusting . I didn 't even want to think about it . The gay thing aside , he did have some entertainment value . I 've gotta admit , giving him shit and fucking him up in front of everyone gave me a lift . The look on his face every time he saw me was priceless . The guy was scared shitless of me , but he wasn 't even bright enough to avoid me . He just walked out of the school every day when the bell rang and stood waiting for the bus - and for me . He knew I wasn 't gonna leave him alone . I 'd been nailing his faggot ass since he came out at the start of the semester . You 'd think he would have figured it out by now . Then one day he wasn 't standing there waiting for me . It was the first day that semester that he hadn 't been out there . In fact , when I thought about it , he hadn 't been in school at all . I just figured maybe he was sick , or better yet , he 'd moved away . ' Whatever . Who cares , ' I thought . I had to get home anyway . I had a stupid essay to do on tolerance and understanding that old lady Reese had assigned for the next day . She spent a whole hour yapping on and on about that crap . Tolerance and understanding - what a crock of shit . The way I saw it , it was simple . ' Why the hell should we tolerate these freaks ? If they want to be tolerated , then they should stop being gay and choose to be normal like everybody else . ' When I got home and walked up the steps to the house , I saw an envelope taped to the front door . As I got closer , I saw it had my name on it . ' Who the hell would write me a letter and tape it to the front door of my house ? ' I wondered . As I unlocked the door , I ripped the envelope off and headed up to my room to change . I threw it on the bed while I changed into something more comfortable . Once I had changed , I sat back on my bed and opened the envelope to see what it was . Inside was a letter . No big surprise there , duh . Holy shit , it was from Robbie . What , was he writing me freaking love letters now ? I was going to just throw it into the trash , but I figured it might be worth a laugh , so I read it . Yes , I 'm gay . But it 's not something I chose to be . I can 't do anything about it . I was born this way . I would give anything to be normal , but I can 't . Yesterday was the forty - third time this semester that you ridiculed me in front of everyone or hit me or threatened to " fuck me up " for being a fag . I wish you could understand . I didn 't ' choose ' to be like this . It 's just the way I am . I 'm sorry you hate me for it . ' Oh , and he forgives me . Big deal , ' I thought , . ' Like I give a shit . ' I threw the letter down and grabbed the remote . I thought I might as well see what was on TV and chill for a while before I started that stupid essay . The first thing that came up was the evening news . I never listen to the news . It 's nothing but a bunch of depressing crap anyway . But , as I was about to change channels , the news guy started talking about some kid they fished out of the river . ' Maybe it 's someone from school , ' I thought , so I decided to listen to the rest of the story . Apparently he fell off the Centre Street Bridge . ' How lame is that ? ' I thought . That 's when a picture of Robbie flashed up on the screen . I was stunned β¦ Robbie ? Then it hit me β¦ the note . I grabbed it and read it again . Holy shit . It was a suicide note . To me . To me , for fuck 's sake . I read it again . The words , " I forgive you , " just seemed to reach out of the page and grab me by the throat . Suddenly , I could hardly breathe . I burst into tears β¦ body - wracking sobs . I cried for more than an hour . I know that because the next thing I knew , my mom was holding me and rocking me back and forth . Mom is a nurse in the intensive care unit of Foothills Hospital and nearly always gets home exactly one hour after I do . She kept asking me what was wrong , but I couldn 't answer . All I could do was cry . Finally I began to calm down , but it was still several minutes before I could speak . I grabbed the note and handed it to her . She took it and began to read . The look of shock on her face β¦ then sadness β¦ then disappointment , broke my heart . She just stared at the wall above my head for a few minutes before she looked back down at me . She never said a word . She just looked at me , tears running down her face . I wanted to curl up and die right there . I had been her ' pride and joy ' . That 's what she called me and I loved it . I don 't think I had ever done anything to disappoint her in my life . Yeah my marks weren 't as good as they should have been , but I never gave her any grief . When my dad left , I swore I would do whatever it took to make her happy . Up until then , I had been successful . It had been just Mom and me since I was twelve when my dad ran off with his assistant - a guy . It nearly destroyed my mom and hurt me in ways I still can 't explain . He did it for another guy β¦ a faggot . He was a faggot and I hated him for it . After a couple more minutes , my mom reached out and pulled me to her and wrapped me in a tight hug . I wrapped my arms around her and immediately burst into tears again . We sat while I cried for at least ten more minutes . Finally , my mom released the hug and pulled back . She wiped the tears off my face with her thumbs and said , " Come on sweetie . We need to eat β¦ and talk . " She took my hand and pulled me up , then wrapped an arm around me and led me to the kitchen . Sitting on the table was a bucket of KFC with all the trimmings : fries , gravy , coleslaw β¦ my favourite meal . I just stared at it . Right then , even the thought of eating made me want to throw up . The only other time I felt like that was when my dad left us . I started to cry again . " They brought him in this morning about 8 : 00 AM , " Mom said . " A young couple were walking along the river and saw him fall . The young man dove into the river and pulled him out while his girlfriend dialed 911 . Because the river is so shallow this time of year , he hit the bottom pretty hard and has broken both his left leg and left arm . He also has some head trauma . Thankfully , he had no internal injuries , although he has a lot of bruising . He 's still unconscious though and they don 't know how bad the head trauma is . They 're hoping it 's minimal so there will be little or no swelling . If there 's too much swelling and they can 't relieve it , it could cause brain damage so they 're monitoring him very closely . " I immediately began sobbing again . " I 'm sorry , " I cried . " I never thought anything like this would happen . Oh , God , he has to be okay . He has to be . " " How ? " I cried . " He hurt us . He wanted to be with that faggot more than us . He 's a faggot and I hate him for it β¦ for what he did to us . " " Oh God , I 'm so sorry , " Mom responded . " This is my fault . We should have talked about this a long time ago . Yes , he hurt us . " " I don 't know if I can explain it properly , " Mom said , " but you have to understand . Your dad never meant to hurt us . He didn 't want to be gay . He spent his whole life living in fear because of it . He tried to be straight . He tried very , very hard to be straight . He loved me and he loved you , but he couldn 't keep lying to us ; more importantly , he couldn 't keep lying to himself . It was getting to be just too much for him and he couldn 't do it any more . " " I don 't get it , " I said . " If he loved us , why would he run off with another guy . I mean β¦ that 's just sick . " " I know it 's hard to understand , especially when you 're young , " she replied , " but , we can 't deny what we are and hope it will go away . It doesn 't . If we try to live a lie , it just keeps eating away at us unless we learn to accept ourselves and who we 're meant to be . Your dad met Adam , and with his help he finally learned to accept himself . Unfortunately , we got hurt in the process . You have to understand though , Tommy , he was becoming more and more depressed and withdrawn as time went on , so I think we might have lost him anyway . At least this way we know he 's living the life he was meant to live and he 's happy . " " I do , sweetie , " she said , " but it took me a long time and a lot of soul - searching to come to terms with it . I 'm only sorry that I was so wrapped up sorting myself out that I didn 't think about what you were going through . How could I have been so blind to not know you would be feeling the same pain I was , or worse ? I should have been there to help you work through it , but you seemed to take it all in stride . " Just then the phone rang . Mom got up to answer it . It was the hospital . Since Mom was one of the head nurses in the intensive care unit and she knew Robbie , she had asked to be notified of any changes . When she came back into the kitchen , she was smiling . " That was the hospital , " she said . " Robbie regained consciousness about twenty minutes ago . He 's awake and he 's aware of what 's happening . He 's going to be okay . " I jumped up and threw my arms around her and started crying again . This time the tears of relief were not going to be short lived . He was going to be okay . I hadn 't killed my friend . Over the next two weeks , Robbie continued to improve . Mom kept me up to date on his condition . He had been moved out of intensive care after three days and was in a private room . We also talked a lot about what led me to do what I had done to him . I wanted to go and see him . I wanted so desperately to apologize to him , but I didn 't think he would ever want to see me again , let alone talk to me after what I did . I drove him to attempt suicide . What could be worse than that ? But the more I thought about it , the more I wanted to see him . Finally , I asked my mom if she thought I should try to see him . She smiled at me and told me she thought it might be a good idea . I knew she had been visiting Robbie every day and they had been talking - about him - about me - about my dad . Mom told me that Robbie already knew about my dad and that 's why he wrote , " But , I think I understand where you are coming from . And I forgive you . " She also told me that she hadn 't realized what a thoughtful , sensitive , caring young man Robbie was . She said most boys in his situation would be doing nothing but whine and complain , but she never once heard a negative word come out of his mouth . In fact , he amazed her with his maturity and renewed optimism . It made me realize why he had been my friend in the first place . After two and a half weeks , I finally got up the courage to go and see him . When I got to his door , I stood peeking in at him . He was lying watching TV with his left leg and arm in casts . His left foot was suspended a few inches off the bed with some kind of pulley system . He looked horribly uncomfortable . ' Something else I was responsible for , ' I thought . I saw a tear roll down his cheek and he wiped it away . That did it ; I couldn 't stand seeing him like that . The guilt was overwhelming . I turned and ran . I ran down the hall , the stairs , out of the hospital , and up the street to the park . I found a bench and sat down and wept . After about five minutes , I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard a quiet voice ask me what was wrong . I looked up to see an older lady with a concerned look on her face . I don 't know why , but I told her everything . When I was done , she took my face in her hands , gave me a smile , and said , " He told you he forgives you . I think you should believe him and go see him . Don 't you ? " Then she gave me a little kiss on the forehead . I thanked her and gave her a little hug and looked back towards the hospital . I felt her give my shoulder a little squeeze . I stood up , smiled at her and started back towards the hospital . In ten minutes I was standing outside his door again . It took me another five minutes to get up the courage to step into the open and knock on the door . He turned and looked at me . He didn 't move or motion for me to come in , he just stared at me . His eyes began to tear up and he quickly wiped them . " Hey , " I replied before emptying my heart to him . " Look Robbie , I 'm so sorry . I don 't blame you if you hate me for the rest of your life . What I did to you was unforgivable . I took all my hate and frustration out on you . I had no right to do that . I had no right to treat you the way I did . I 'm just so sorry , man . Look at you , and it 's all my fault . God , I wish I could take your place . I deserve to be in that bed , not you . I 'm such a fuck - up . I really don 't know what to say , man . " Finally , I looked him in the eyes and he held my gaze for almost a minute . It was excruciating . It was like he was looking into my soul and I felt helpless . Robbie then reached out with his right hand . I looked at it for a second before I took it in my right hand . When I looked back up to his face , he was smiling . " Yeah , I guess . Thanks man , " I responded . " You amaze me though . I can 't believe you would want anything to do with me after what I did to you . " " We 've been friends for years - good friends . That 's why it hurt so much . But you went through some really bad shit and , because of it , reacted badly to my coming out . I didn 't exactly react rationally either . We both let our emotions rule our brains . Besides , what would hating you get me ? " " It 's settled then , " Robbie said , smiling . " What 's done is done . Now let 's hope we both learned something from this whole thing and can get on with it . " We settled into a normal conversation and within a few minutes we were talking just like old times . It was as if I hadn 't spent the last three months making his life hell . I quickly realized how much Robbie meant to me and how much I valued his friendship . It hurt to see him lying there like that , knowing I was the cause . But as he said , it was time to move on . Among other things , he told me that as far as anyone knew besides my mom and me , he had been climbing around being stupid and fell off the bridge . And that was the way he wanted it to stay . I assured him I wasn 't going to say anything different . " What the fuck are you doing here , asshole ? " he demanded as he grabbed my arm . " I can 't believe you . You even have to come to the hospital to fuck with him ? " " Scott , no ! " Robbie exclaimed , then more quietly said , " It 's cool Babe β¦ we 're cool . I 'll explain it all later , kay ? " " Okay , cool , " Robbie replied . " I will . It 'll work a lot better if one of my best friends and my boyfriend like each other . " " Look , I should get going , " I said . " It was good talking to you , man . I 'll leave you two alone . Take care and I 'm really β¦ " I stopped there because Robbie pointed a finger at me and smiled . I gave them both a wave and left for home . I still couldn 't believe Robbie . He was such an amazing person . I don 't think I would ever have forgiven me in a million years , but for him it seemed easy . He was definitely a very special guy and Scott was lucky to have him . So was I . He had left me feeling very happy ; happier that I had felt for years and certainly happier than I deserved to feel . During the next few weeks , I spent a lot of time thinking about what my mom had said to me about my dad . I wanted to believe her , but it was really hard . Mom and I talked about it a lot . So did Robbie , Scott and I . I needed to get so many things straight in my head . I needed to understand everything . Not just my dad leaving , but also how he had tried to be someone he wasn 't . How eventually , he got to the point where he couldn 't keep up the charade any longer . How his leaving had nothing to do with us or his love for us . We talked about how life had been for Dad , his homophobic parents and family , his fear , not just of being discovered , but his fear of who he was . He was actually afraid of being gay . We talked about how we reacted to him and his decision , and how much we had hurt him as well . After a couple of months , I finally ' got it ' . Four and a half years after he left , I was finally able to understand what my father had been going through and was able to forgive him for hurting me , and especially for hurting my mom . It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders . Deep down , I don 't think I ever stopped loving him . I had covered up the love with hurt and turned the hurt into hate . One of the things that I think helped fuel my anger is that I look exactly like my dad , something that until now I had hated . Every time I looked in the mirror , I saw HIM and was reminded of the hurt β¦ of what he did to us . It was like I couldn 't escape from him , no matter how hard I tried . As I said , I hadn 't seen my dad for four and a half years β¦ not because he hadn 't tried β¦ because I had refused . The last time I had seen him I had screamed , " I hate you ! You 're nothing but a fucking faggot ! I 'll never forgive you . I hope you die ! " I had never seen my dad look so hurt . It had devastated him . A lot had changed since then , though , especially me . I was no longer this little four - foot - ten twelve - year - old full of anger . I was now a six - foot - two sixteen - year - old who was finally growing up , learning to deal with his feelings , and hopefully getting his life back together . And now it was my turn to wonder if he would forgive me . One Saturday afternoon , I decided it was time to set things straight with my dad . He was living in a downtown high - rise , so I caught the bus downtown . I got off several blocks from his apartment building . I was so scared . I needed the time to put together what I was going to do , and what I was going to say - not that I hadn 't run through it in my mind a hundred times already . Far too soon , I found myself standing outside his building . I just stood there for several minutes . I could feel myself on the verge of tears and I hadn 't even entered the building yet . He looked at me kind of strangely , but did as I asked . He was told to send me up . We stepped into the elevator , he put some kind of key into a slot and then pushed a button and stepped off the elevator . As the doors closed , I almost went into panic mode . I felt some comfort in the fact that I could still walk the hallway for a minute or so to get myself together first . Within seconds , the doors opened and instead of seeing a hallway , I found myself looking directly into my dad 's apartment and staring into the face of a very handsome man who appeared to be a few years younger than my dad . I felt like a trapped animal with no way of escape . I had no idea the elevators opened right into the apartments . So much for having a minute or so to get myself together . To make it worse , I wasn 't looking into my dad 's face , but , I assumed , his boyfriend Adam 's face . I must have looked ready to panic or pass out because he immediately asked me if I was okay and if I needed to sit down . Then there was a long , very uncomfortable pause as we looked at each other . I don 't think either of us knew what to say . I wanted my first words to my dad to be face - to - face , not on the phone , so I hadn 't told them I was coming over . It was a complete surprise for this poor guy and I obviously caught him totally off guard . " Okay , this is getting awkward , and I 'm not being a very good host . I 'm Adam , " he said , smiling as he reached out to shake my hand . I reached out and we shook hands across the table . " There 's no doubt about who you are , " he said with a grin . " We may have never met , but I could have picked you out of a crowd anywhere . Even if you didn 't look exactly like Ry , there are enough pictures of you around here that I couldn 't help but recognize you . " As we walked through the apartment , Adam pointed out different things and told me the story behind a lot of them - where they got it or why , stuff like that . He hadn 't lied : there were pictures of me everywhere and even a couple of my mom . I noticed that he had all my school pictures , even the one from this year . As we moved about the apartment , we began talking more and more . The more we talked , the more I began to like him . He was very relaxed and casual and easy to talk to . He made me feel comfortable . I didn 't feel like a stranger at all , even though , in a sense , I was . It was obvious he was very fond of my dad and I sensed he was fond of me too . Within half an hour , it felt as if we had known each other for years and I could see why my dad liked him so much . We were standing on the balcony and Adam was pointing things out to me when we heard the elevator door open and close . My dad was home . Suddenly I was tense again . Adam left me on the balcony and went into the apartment . I could kind of make them out through the drapes . I saw him take the groceries from my dad and say something to him . Dad immediately looked towards the balcony . I slowly moved from behind the drapes to the open side of the balcony doors and stepped into the apartment . I felt terrified . What if he didn 't want to see me ? What if he was still hurt by the last words he had heard me say to him ? What if β¦ I didn 't have to wait long for my answers . Within two seconds , he crossed the room and I was in his arms and instantly , we were both in tears . We must have stood there holding each other and crying for two or three minutes , neither one of us saying a word . " I 'm sorry Dad , " I managed to whisper into his ear . " I didn 't mean those things I said to you . I love you . " " Yeah , you did , " I said , " but I took it to the extreme . I carried around all these negative feelings for far too long . In fact , looking back , I think I made a special effort to keep them alive . I didn 't want to let them go . You were gone and I missed you , so to compensate I replaced you with anger . It took me until the last few weeks to come to terms with that fact . I did some really horrible things to Robbie , a friend of mine . It was the consequences of those actions that finally made me take a good long look at myself . With Mom , Scott and especially Robbie 's help and forgiveness , I finally got it together . I finally realized that I was not only hurting myself but others as well . " " Don 't feel responsible Dad , " I told him . " It was my own selfishness that caused it , especially as I got older . It was Robbie who made the difference . He taught me more about selflessness and forgiveness in one afternoon than I would have learned in a lifetime otherwise . " " Yes he is , " I responded , " and so is Scott , his boyfriend . " It was then that I told them the whole story of Robbie and me , from the days of being good friends , to his coming out and my reaction to it , his ' fall ' off the Centre Street Bridge , everything . They both just sat silently , listening to every word . By the time I was finished , I was in tears again and my dad had moved over and wrapped his arms around me . " I don 't know about that , " I replied . " I don 't see anything I 've done in the past few years as mature . If we 're going to talk about maturity , then we should be talking about Robbie . " " I promise to bring him over as soon as he 's mobile again , " I said . " I know he wants to meet you , but he can 't really use crutches with a broken arm . I think he gets the casts off in another three weeks and then he has a few weeks of physiotherapy to regain the strength in his muscles . " " Yeah , Scott , " I replied . " He went to see Robbie in the hospital and I guess things worked out between them because now they 're a couple . Scott 's a really nice guy too , you 'll like him . " We spent the rest of the afternoon getting caught up with each other 's lives . I couldn 't believe how much I had missed out on , how much fun it was to be with them , laughing , joking and just enjoying each other . Adam was amazing . In just one afternoon he had won my heart . When it was time to go , I got a huge hug from Adam and another from my dad . I had to promise I would be back next Saturday for the whole day - including dinner . I felt so good as I was walking to the bus stop ; I felt light and free . I almost felt like I could float home . Later that night , lying on my bed , I thought about all I had missed out on by ostracizing my dad . Also , I couldn 't help but appreciate how differently I was feeling , physically , emotionally , and mentally . I realized that the effort required , and the cost involved to hate is enormous . |
So , let 's see . . . where was I ? Oh right ! Pouring rain outside at least 40 people inside , half of them kids , husband unable to move , all for Lana 's fifth birthday party . YAY ! Well , after I got Andy situated on the bed in a position that wasn 't killing him , and after my small inner freak out , my mind started racing . How could I fix him ? Who do I know that has good drugs ? Do WE have any good drugs ? I mean other than the very strong sangria I made . Although , Andy 's not really a big drinker , so that wouldn 't work anyway . And what about all the food he was supposed to be picking up right then ? How was THAT going to happen ? I could go get everything myself , but Andy was in no shape to watch the girls and I still had things to do in the house . What about the PINATA ? ? How the hell were we going to do a piΓ±ata in my little house ? ? So I did the one thing I don 't usually like to do , I asked for help . No , I am not one to ask for help . I am the woman you see walking out of the grocery with one kid on her hip throwing a tantrum , dragging another by the hand , carrying four grocery bags and insisting I 'm fine . I don 't know why I don 't like asking for help . I guess it 's a combination of me wanting to do everything for myself , and not wanting to put anyone else out . This time I had no choice . I guess I could have done it all myself , but it would have been more stress than I needed at that point . Not to mention , I wouldn 't have been able to shower . Something I believe everyone should do before having a party with 40 people at their house . Just sayin ' . The first call I made was to the awesome , fantastic , amazing , always there for me in a pinch , Melinda . It wasn 't even a hesitation for her , but a " what do you need and where is it ? " She showed up at my house by 12 : 30 , in the pouring rain , with a car full of food and balloons . I had totally forgotten what kind of balloons I had ordered , and the gigantic Hello Kitty completely took over her small car . I have no idea how she even got them in there to begin with ! The pickups were taken care of , which left me free to finish up what I needed to at home . Now I just had to figure out what to do for my husband . The second call I made was to my best friend and walking pharmacy , Melissa . For a long time , Melissa would have whatever kind of pill you needed on her . Motrin , Tylenol , Excedrin . You need something stronger ? She might have some Vicodin or Tylenol with Codeine . Anxiety ? There 's some Xanex in there somewhere . It 's not like she ever obtained anything illegally . Just the opposite . She would have a prescription for something , and never liked to take all of it , so she had leftovers . Unfortunately , all those prescriptions expired at some point and a few months ago she got rid of most of them . I tried to tell her that the expiration dates were just a suggestion . What about her friends who might need that stuff for back pain or anxiety from throwing her five year old daughter 's birthday party inside . Apparently we weren 't in her thoughts when she flushed them down the toilet . Whatever Melissa ! However , she did find some Tylenol with Codeine that made the cut . She was willing to bring a few to help ease Andy 's pain . The only problem was that she lives about 35 minutes from us and wasn 't going to be at the party until later in the afternoon . I had to find something before then or Andy was destined to spend the afternoon in our bedroom . Then I remembered the last time this happened , Andy got some muscle relaxers from our friends Norb and Cecelia . Cecelia had back problems at one point and she too had some left over medication . What were the chances hers weren 't expired and flushed down the toilet to dope up the fish in the ocean ? I called them to find out and spoke to Norb . Luckily , Cecelia did have some left . The even better news was that they only live a mile from us . I asked if he could pretty please bring them over and he agreed . We have some fantastic friends , is all I 'll say . About thirty minutes after taking the pill , Andy was able to move around a VERY little . But it was enough to get him to take a shower and at least make him party presentable . I showered with him to make sure he didn 't fall over and have a concussion . That was all we would need ! I had to help him get dried off and dressed , since every move he made led to more pain . He kept saying how humiliated he felt , but I help three kids get dressed every day , so really , what 's the difference ? Besides , I think there was something about this in our vows somewhere , so I 'm obligated to do it . Once we got a heating wrap and his back brace on him , he was a bit more mobile . Enough where he could at least come out and attend the party , even if he couldn 't really help do to much . I rushed to get myself ready , which having kids has taught me to do quickly and still look good . I remember the days it would take me an HOUR AND A HALF to get ready . Seriously ? ? Well , that was in the days of high hair too , and if the bangs were to long and in need of a cut you could tack on an extra twenty minutes . Not now though . Now I can get showered , hair dried , makeup on , dressed and out the door in thirty minutes . Well , as long as I 'm left alone and don 't have to break up fights . To avoid this I let the girls sit in front of the TV for an hour , so I could get Andy and myself ready . It was all I could do at that point . They certainly didn 't argue about it . Just after I was done getting dressed , I realized it was 12 : 25 . I didn 't have the guacamole made , drinks ready or any of the snacks out . No big deal though , because nobody comes to these things on time and certainly not when it 's raining in Los Angeles . Except my friend Stacy and her family . They gave themselves to much time to get to our house and Of all my friends , Stacy is the most like me as far as cooking goes . Meaning , she does . So when they walked in and saw I wasn 't ready yet and I explained the situation , they immediately asked what they could do . I had no problem having her make the guacamole , while her husband and my girls helped get drinks in the coolers . Within minutes , Melinda arrived and we had what food we needed . Then before I knew it there were 40 people in my house . I 'm not sure when it happened or how fast , all I know is it got very crowded and very LOUD very quickly . My Grandpa showed up at one point with his girlfriend ( yes , my 85 year old Grandpa has a GIRLFRIEND ! SO cute ! ) They didn 't stay very long , however , because I think it was just to much for them . Can 't say I blame them . I was ready to stand outside in the rain at one point . It did go well though . The kids all went to the bedrooms and played or got their faces painted by Sonya , The adults hung out in the kitchen or living room , ate , drank and chatted . Time went by quickly and the rain came down harder . We played pin the tail on the donkey , an old time fav and perfect for the rainy day party . Happy birthday was sung to Lana , cake was eaten and good times were had . I even figured out a way to have the kids do the piΓ±ata . One of our friends who was at the party , who 's name also happens to be Andy , is VERY tall . I 'm not even sure how tall . 6 ' 3 " , 6 ' 5 " maybe ? I don 't know , when you 're 5 ' 1 " anything over 5 ' 5 " looks tall . Anyway , I had Andy hold the piΓ±ata up . Instead of using a bat , because I didn 't want anyone to injure tall Andy , we just had the kids pull the strings they put on the pinatas nowadays . I never liked those strings and always thought it was cop out to use them . What fun is that ? The fun part of the piΓ±ata is being able to beat the shit out of it , right ? Well , now I know what those strings are there for . Inside birthday parties . Plus , as it turns out , hitting the piΓ±ata is secondary . All the kids really want is the candy anyway . So that was that . Lana had a great tiOh ! I almost forgot ! Lana threw up toward the end of the party . Nothing big , just from coughing to hard and gagging , not a stomach bug or anything . But , chocolate cake came up and her dress and the rug in her room had to be washed . Not to mention , she effectively ended the tea party she and her friends were having . Aaaannnnd , Georgia pooped her pants . But , still good and still fun ! Just a bit crazy . side note - Thank you again to all our friends who helped make the party happen ; Melinda , Norb , Cecelia , Stacy - you rock . Tall Andy - thanks for holding the piΓ±ata . Melissa - thank you for the Tylenol with Codeine . Good thing those weren 't expired ! A few years ago , after Georgia was born , Andy and I made the decision that we were not throwing huge birthday parties every year for the girls . That would be three big kids parties a year and we just don 't have the funds , or the patience , to deal with it . We figured we would just have parties on the " big " years . One , five , ten , thirteen , sixteen , eighteen . They can throw their own drunken all out crazy party for themselves at 21 in college , like the rest of us did . Besides , it would be so NOT cool to have your parents give you a 21st birthday party . Well , unless your parents are Angelina and Brad . This is not to say we don 't celebrate the girls ' birthdays every year though . We usually have a family and close friends gathering , with cake and a BBQ , but nothing like what I was planning for Lana this year . We invited all the kids in her pre - school class , as well as other friends and family we have in our lives . We were having a bounce house and a pinata , sandwiches and snacks , juice boxes and sangria . ( Gotta have SOMETHING for the parents ! ) There were about 40 people coming . And then . . . then it rained , and then . . . then Andy 's back went out TWO hours before the party . It 's a good thing I 've spent the past few years practicing keeping my shit together . Let 's start with the rain . We knew rain was fore casted . I had been looking at the weather report all week , but I kept hoping it would change or they were wrong . It 's not like the weather people have that much to predict here in Southern California , so you 'd figure when we do get weather they would be dead on , but not so much . Just the weekend before it was supposed to rain all day Saturday and Sunday . Saturday it poured , Sunday was sunny and gorgeous . I was hoping for that kind of mistake . But no , this time they were right . Thanks Dallas Raines ! ( Gotta love the meteorologist names . ) It wasn 't raining when we woke up on Sunday , but it looked like it might at any moment . My only prayer was for it to hold off just until the afternoon , but as you might have guessed , prayers and luck were not with us . As the man from the jumper company pulled up in front of my house at 10 : 30 , the rain started . I debated whether or not to have him put it up anyway , and just hope for a stop in the rain . As I stood out there talking to him though , I knew it was no good . The rain was coming down in big , fat , we are here to stay for a while ! drops . Not the sprinkly , misty kind that might let up at some point . He was very nice about it and didn 't make me keep it or pay him anyway . He totally understood . Plus we 've used them a few times before for other parties we 've had , so we 're best buds now . ( Burbank Jumpers and Party Rentals , for any of you close by . ) When I came back inside , after deciding against the bounce house , I found Sonya and Lana on the couch in tears . Great . Just what I had time for , consoling crying children . They wanted the bounce house ! Why couldn 't we get it ? ! I mentioned the rain , but they didn 't seem to care . I mean , a wet bounce house ! That 's even MORE fun ! What was I thinking sending it away ? Eventually , they calmed down when I told them I would call and have it come back if it stopped raining . There was a better chance of Angelina and Brad showing up at Lana 's party . I resigned myself to the fact that it was just going to rain and I set up the party for inside . I took the rug out of Sonya 's room , set up the little picnic table and her face paints . I put up the art easel , coloring book and crayons . This would be the designated art area . Lana and Georgia 's room would just be a free for all play area . I was sure it would be a disaster of mess at the end , but there was nothing else to be done . Just for the record , we don 't live in a huge house . It 's about 1600 square feet and about 500 of that is our bedroom , which I was NOT about to let the kids run around in . Although , I briefly thought about setting up the bounce house in there . Okay good , I figured out how to have the party despite the weather outside . Now there was the problem of my disabled husband laying on the bed in our room , unable to walk , let alone help get things ready . Let me go backwards a minute . Earlier in the morning , before the unavoidable rain , Andy was putting something away in the attic . When he came back down , he mentioned that he might have tweaked his back . He has this reoccurring back problem , that came about a couple years ago . I told him to go take some Motrin and get on the Inversion Table right away , knowing how quickly this can go bad . He usually hangs upside down on the Inversion Table on a regular basis , which keeps his back problems at by . However , he 's had a cold / sinus infection for a couple weeks and hanging upside down is not so great for his already stuffed up head . He took the Motrin , but before hanging upside down he needed to answer nature 's call . Except that sitting after he tweaked his back , was apparently not the best thing for him . I was outside rinsing out a cooler and the next thing I know Lana is calling me , because Daddy hurt his back real bad . I found him in our bathroom leaning against the counter unable to move . " This is bad , this is bad , " he kept repeating . We managed to get him over to the bed and laying down in a position that wasn 't excruciating for him . It was 10am . The party started at 12 : 30 . He was freaking out , and saying how bad the pain was , how he couldn 't move and what was he going to do . I remained calm and collected on the outside saying , " Let me think , we 'll figure this out , don 't worry about it . Just rest . " Except in my head I was thinking , " FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK ! ! ! " It 's okay , the girls can 't hear me say that word in my head . He couldn 't move , I had a ton of things to do at the house still since it was raining , not to mention the food that needed to be picked up ! THE FOOD ! ! And the Balloons ! ! These were things he was supposed to do . How the hell was I going to get everything done completely on my own in a little over two hours , get myself ready and find a way to have Andy upright , in at least a little less pain , and party presentable ? ? This , my friends , is what being a mother is all about . Finding a way out of a shitty mess of a day and make sure it 's your daughter 's best birthday party ever , without saying what I thought in my head out loud . It wasn 't easy , but I managed it . You will have to come back for the rest of the story later on this week though . This one is getting a little long and we have to get to piano lessons . To be continued . . . . Yesterday was Miss Lana 's 5th birthday . FIVE ! She 's FIVE ! Five feels like such an accomplishment . I 'm not sure why . Maybe it 's because it proves that for a second time I can keep a human being alive and functioning for five years . See , I DO know what I 'm doing as a mom ! ! And this one can be stubborn and ornery , so it 's been even more of a challenge . I think five also feels important , because this is when she will start elementary school , and her memory will most likely hold from here . I know most of my earliest memories are around four or five . There was a time , when she was a baby , that I wasn 't sure I was good enough to make her survive until five . Why you ask ? Well , because at her nine month check up we discovered she had only gained half a pound in three months . Now for those of you who haven 't had a baby , you 're probably thinking , " How bad can that be really ? " But I heard you moms just gasp in horror . There are some babies that put on half a pound in two days . So , half a pound from month six to month nine is more than not so good . There was a simple explanation for this . When Lana was seven months old , I found out I was pregnant with Georgia . Something , I 've mentioned to you all before that was sooo not planned . Yet , there I was pregnant and still nursing my second baby . Lana had been eating some solid food , but she was still getting the majority of her calories from nursing . Or perhaps she wasn 't . When my pediatrician discovered how little she had grown , he immediately became concerned and ordered a battery of blood tests for her . I mentioned that I was pregnant and still nursing and perhaps my body couldn 't keep up with both . Perhaps my milk supply wasn 't what it should be . He didn 't seem to think that was the problem , but decided it would be a good idea to put her on formula , so we knew exactly what she was getting . The good news is this all happened right after Christmas , and my parents were still visiting . I decided to stop nursing completely and have my mom force a bottle on Lana . I say force , because although none of the girls were ever good about taking a bottle , Lana NEVER took one . When I say never , I mean never . My mom tried for an entire day to get her to drink that thing and she flat out refused . She would have starved to death before she put her lips on such a wretched thing . Where was the boob ? ? ! ! It was so heartbreaking to hear her screaming and crying while my mom tried to coax formula into her . The thing was , I really wasn 't producing any milk , or very , very little . I quit nursing cold turkey and I didn 't even get so much as a slight twinge of pain or engorgement that you hear about . My body had taken whatever it was using to make milk and put it toward growing the current baby residing inside of me . I guess I wasn 't up to the task of both . Yes , it 's sSince Lana refused to take a bottle , our only other option was combining any solid food she was eating with formula . She had only just started the sippy cup and wasn 't proficient at it , so we needed to get the calories in her any way we could . So for a month , everything Lana ate was liquefied with formula . Mashed green beans with two ounces of formula . Mmmm . . . . green bean liquid . We fed it to her on a spoon and she ate it . Mashed sweet potatoes , with formula , chicken with formula - you get the idea . This worked though , because within a week she gained 1 / 2 a pound . In the meantime we still had to get her blood tested , just to be on the safe side that this wasn 't some strange disease . Let me tell you how much fun it is to make your nine month old baby have blood taken . Zero . Zero fun . Less than zero even . It was one of the more heart wrenching experiences of my life . Turns out it is quite the challenge to find a vein in a baby . The nurse must have stuck her with the needle at least five times before finding the vein to extract the blood from . I held her on my lap and pinned her arms down . Every time the nurse would stick her with the needle she would turn to me , crying and give me a look that said , " Why are you letting him do this to me ? ? I thought you were here to help me , woman ! ? " I cried right along with her . It seemed to take four hours , but I 'm sure it was closer to four minutes , to get blood from her . Thankfully , my mom was with me then too , because I don 't think I could have handled it alone . My nine month old baby begin stabbed over and over again . My emotions were running high already because of being pregnant , nauseous , and overemotional with the third baby . When all was said and done the blood tests came back fine . Nothing was seriously wrong with her . It was just as I suspected , my milk supply had been seriously lacking . As soon as the formula was force fed into her , she quickly gained weight and was back on track . Well , sort of . Of the three girls , she is the tiniest one . She and Georgia weigh exactly thsparkly . How could she NOT like it ? Saturday Andy and I took the girls to see " The Lorax " . Normally , Sonya has baseball on Saturdays , but it was a very rainy day here in Los Angeles , which we needed badly . So all games were cancelled and we took the opportunity to go to the movies instead . Lana fared better this time . There were only a few times she hid her eyes and asked when it was going to be over . She will like going to the movies yet , dammit ! I thought the movie was good and the message behind it , which is of course the message of the book , is one that I knew would make me a bit emotional . I get weepy at movies and TV very easily . I always have , but it seems to have gotten worse since I had the girls . Toward the end of the movie I could feel myself choking up . Then I started to get teary eyed , when the last tree was cut down and the Lorax left . ( Sorry if I spoiled it , but it 's in the book people ! ) Just as I was trying not to cry I heard a sniff come from my right and I looked over to see Sonya completely in tears . She was close to sobbing by the end . Once I saw this there was no way to keep my own tears from flowing . She and I cried through the last ten minutes of the movie . It appears I have passed on that sappy , overemotional , crying at movie gene to her . I 'm sure she 'll feel just as stupid one day when she finds herself crying over a telephone or dog food commercial . It 's okay , though . It happens to the best of us ! Since it 's the middle of March , Sonya is in full baseball season mode . She had her first game a couple of weeks ago . This year she plays on a coach pitch team . I wasn 't sure she was going to play at all this year though . I 'm not sure why , but by the end of the season last year , and all summer , she kept telling me she didn 't want to play again . She did such a great job last year and seemed to love it . I wrote about it here and here . I don 't know if she was burnt out with all her activities by June , or she was nervous to go from T - ball to coach pitch , but she was adamant that she wasn 't playing again . I let it go and didn 't bother her about it for a while , but then sign ups came around in December . I managed to convince her to play again this year and see how it went . If she hated it by the end , I would never make her play again . So far , she is enjoying it even more this year , and I am putting a check in the good pushy mother category for myself . Well , so far . There are few reasons why it 's better for her this year . First of all , the team she is on this year , The Cardinals , really has their shit together . The coaches know what they 're doing and they 're great with the kids . Figuring out how to hit the ball when it 's not on a T has been a challenge for her , but it 's been a challenge for most of the kids . She is starting to get the hang of it , as they all are . She is also on the team with her best friend since she was 10 months old , Carter . Carter and his family moved about an hour and half away a couple years ago , but this past December they moved back . When Sonya was going to try outs for baseball in January , I told Stacy ( Carter 's mom ) about it and mentioned they should sign Carter up . They decided it was a great idea . We did a little finagling and managed to get the kids on the same team . This has helped to keep Sonya 's interest in wanting to go to practice , because she gets to hang out with Carter . It has also renewed her interest in playing the game . She did well the first game of the season , but I could tell shThe coaches apparently agreed . After the game , while the kids were having their snack and listening to their post - game talk from the coach , my little girl was presented with the game ball . I , of course , choked back tears . She was so excited and proud . Andy and I even more so . I mean , we know it 's only Little League , but it 's so great to see your child do well at something . Especially when it 's something they love . Even if she fell out of love for a few months , it seems to be going strong again . Coach Marvin presents Sonya with the game ball . Last week on my bi - monthly Target trip ( I 'm trying to cut down ) , I stopped in the candle aisle to look for something for the house and for gifts . Usually we only burn Yankee candles around the holidays , but on those days when the house reeks from me making fish , or the trash hasn 't been taken out in a timely manner , I need something to help cut down the smelliness . So as I was smelling every candle in Target , Lana and Georgia were right beside me taking their own wiffs . After a couple minutes , this started to make me nervous because one false sniff of the wrong strong scent and Georgia might be thrown into a migraine . As of this point , she hasn 't had one since the doctor put her on the medication . She is due for one , so I 'm grateful that it hasn 't happened yet and keep hoping it 's because of the medication . However , I am wondering if it just isn 't time for one yet . It 's hard to tell . I wasn 't really wanting to tempt fate by having a bunch of different scents surrounding her , so I asked them to please stop smelling the candles , for Georgia 's sake . Yeah , right . I realized I had to get out of the aisle . I quickly chose what I wanted and we left , before any damage was done . Georgia seemed to be fine afterward and talked about how " da smells could make her dizzy " , but she wasn 't dizzy , so it seemed that test was passed . It 's nice to know this medicine really seems to be doing it 's job . On the way home in the car , she and Lana started to talk about smelling the candles again . Georgia said , A few months back I wrote this story about the girls , and particularly Georgia , in dance class . At the time I couldn 't show you what they were doing , because we weren 't allowed to video or take pictures . This past Tuesday was the last class for this particular session , so the teacher allowed us to roll or snap away . I took these videos with my phone . The first one is a bit further away from them and you can get an idea of what everyone is SUPPOSED to be doing . Sort of . The second one , I managed to get closer to the girls so you can really see how awesome they are . Awesomely adorable anyway . The dancing . . . . well , we 're going to practice some more . They are doing this Bunny Hop dance for the spring recital at the beginning of June . You can tell the " hopping " is the favorite part for all the kids , especially my girls . I also find it entertaining how Georgia can never really figure out which direction she is supposed to be dancing . And Lana . . . Lana just looks bored . Okay , so they might not be headed to a career in dance , but they do love going almost as much as I love watching them . Hope you enjoy it too ! A couple months ago , a friend I used to work with , sent me an email telling me about a show at the local high school in March . Her daughter was in the show . This particular show was not a play or a musical , but a singing , dancing Glee like extravaganza . I had heard that the local high school had performances like this and that they were quite good . So good that they had , in recent years , been on Oprah and traveled all over the world to compete . In fact , the hit show Glee , had been somewhat based on the vocal program at John Burroughs High School . They even fashioned the room on Glee after the one at JBHS . Last year the teacher I had at the Parent Education Class I took Georgia to , was the mom of the director of the vocal program there . This how I came into all this information . She really liked to brag about her son , and with good reason . It was after that I found out my friend 's daughter , was involved in the program . Being somewhat of a Gleek myself , I was up for checking out a show sometime . So when Marie sent me the information , I bought tickets for Sonya and myself . I decided to just take Sonya for a few reasons . First and foremost , Glee is something she and I watch together . Now before you freak out about what content my child is exposed to , I usually preview it , or at least know what the episode entails , so it 's nothing I can 't explain and she shouldn 't know about . She did NOT watch the episode about everyone losing or trying to lose their virginity . Obviously , we are not ready for certain conversations . However , it 's opened up other conversations for us and she asks me questions when she has them . And to be perfectly honest , most of it goes over her head . She just loves the singing and dancing . Not to mention , I was watching shows like Three 's Company when I was her age . I did not get the whole Jack pretending to be gay thing and living with two girls until I was much older . I just thought John Ritter was funny . It didn 't really seem to effect how I turned out , although maybe it IS why I was okay living wi " I can 't wait for my girls to go to high school . " Never saw that one coming ! Even though I 've always feared the teens years , I see now that there will be much to look forward to . Posted by Okay , so have I made you wait long enough to tell you about our celebrity encounter ? Well , if you 're in the know , the title of this entry clues you in to who it was . If not , then I 'll just say it . Neil Patrick . . . wait for it . . . Harris . That 's right , Doogie effing Howser ! AKA - currently the girl chasing character Barney on How I Met Your Mother , a show I watch every week . In real life he 's a super nice gay guy with a partner and adorable boy and girl twins . We 're totally best friends now and have a playdate set up for next week . Here 's what happened . Well , I guess before I tell you this story , you should know that I like to talk to celebrities . Anyone who knows me will tell you I have no problem walking up to them , introducing myself , and chatting with them . Most of the time I tell them how much I like whatever show or movie they 've done . I promise it 's not as douchy as it sounds . I am very respectful . I don 't chase after anyone and when I 've said my piece I leave . I don 't turn into some teenage Justin Bieber loving girl and squeal when I see someone . ( Although , I have not met Jon Bon Jovi . There is a small chance I would do that with him . ) There were many celebrities I met when I used to work at the movie advertising company . People like , Adam Sandler , Kevin Costner , and Mike Myers . Then there is the place the girls take gymnastics where I became acquaintance / friends with Christine Taylor of the Brady Bunch movies , married to Ben Stiller ( who I also met at one point ) . We used to chat while our girls took their class . They moved to New York last year though , so we don 't hang out anymore . Sonya used to have class with Joel Mchale 's oldest kid and we were friends with them for a while . For real though . We went to birthday parties . Last summer I walked over to Jason Bateman , who was sitting at gymnastics , and chatted with him for a bit . He recommended that I see Bridesmaids stating that it was a very funny movie . Then there are the countless times I just run into stars out and about . One of my favorite encounters was wi " Don 't turn around , but Neil Patrick Harris is here , " he said to me . " DON ' T TURN AROUND ! " He said again , not trusting me . Please ! I 've been through this before . I know how to play it cool in these celebrity situations . I just took Lana to the bathroom to see where he was . Well , she did have to go . Sure enough there he was sitting diagonally behind us with a table full of family . The twins were in high chairs and looked to me not much older than a year . That in itself , it when I felt better about the girls being there . We WEREN ' T the only ones with kids at sushi ! Neil Patrick Harris brought his even younger kids out ! He was even more awesome now . Of course , after I realized he was there , the wheels started turning in my head as to how I could go over and tell him how much I loved him . Without being douchy or disrespectful of course . Eventually , I decided there wasn 't really a good way . He was having dinner with his family and I wasn 't about to bother him . I figured this would just be a celebrity sighting this time and not an encounter . Until . . . " He 's an actor , Sonya , " Andy explained to her . Her eyes got wide , " Ooohh . . . " she said somewhat captivated . Then Andy and I spent the next five minutes trying to figure out how she knew he was , " the guy from TV " . She doesn 't watch How I Met Your Mother . I love the show but it 's not exactly kid friendly . Perhaps she 'd seen a commercial for it ? " Was he on Sesame Street ? " Andy asked . I 'm sure he had been at one point , but it has been a while since the girls have watched that show , and I doubted she would remember him from when she was three . " Wait ! Wasn 't he in the Muppets ? " Andy said referring to the latest movie . " Yes ! " I said at first , and then immediately , " No , no he wasn 't in that . . . it was another kids movie . . . THE SMURFS ! ' I suddenly realized . " Oh yeah ! " Sonya exclaimed . " I liked that movie . " Here was my opening . Yes , I was going to use my child . It was only fair . I mean I feed her , and take care of her all day . The least she could do was help me meet Mr . Harris . " Okay , " I said , letting it go again . " I guess she didn 't get that gene from me , " I told Andy . " I 'll go ! " Lana piped up . " No , it 's okay Lana , " I said . She had no idea who he was or seen the movie , so that was pointless . But it 's good to know she 's so willing to talk to strangers . Over the next ten minutes I could see Sonya glancing in Neil Patrick 's direction . She looked conflicted . Then finally she said to me , " Mommy , I want to go , but I want YOU to tell him . " Let 's see , let me think about this . . . . " Okay , let 's go ! " I said . Luckily , he was done with dinner and they were all packing up getting ready to leave the restaurant , so were weren 't interrupting the meal . I walked over to where he was loading up the diaper bag , with Sonya in tow . " Excuse me , Mr . Harris ? " I said , making sure I didn 't sound not to sound like crazy fan lady . " What ? What happened ? ! " He said in his comedic tones . " My daughter just wanted to come over here and tell you how much she liked you in The Smurfs movie , " I told him . " OH ! You saw The Smurfs ? " He said addressing Sonya . " Well , you know we 're making a new one that is going to come out next summer . Smurfette gets into all kinds of trouble . " He told her . " Oh we 'll have to go see that ! " I said , looking at Sonya . Then I told him how much I liked him in How I Met Your Mother . I asked about the twins and how old they were . He told me 16 months . Then his partner interjected apologizing about how bad they were at dinner , hoping they didn 't bother anyone . I reassured him that it was fine , and they were braver than I was for even taking babies out for sushi . Neil , ( yes we 're on a first name basis ) said they 've been eating sushi , since they started eating food and how much they loved it . Then we thanked him , he said goodbye to us , we went to our table and they left . He couldn 't have been a sweeter guy and especially to Sonya . She sat back down at dinner smiling from ear to ear . I love him even more now . When I told my sister , Beth , this story she requested that we have a run in with a celebrity when she and her family come to visit this summer . While I can 't guarantee that we will run into someone , I am the person you want to be with if you do . I will go up and talk to anyone . They 're just people , after all . I see no reason NOT to talk to them . And in all the years that I have met and chatted with a star , I have yet to meet someone who has blown me off or been a complete asshole . When it comes down to it , they got into this business not just because they loved to act , but because they wanted to be famous . Having someone recognize you and want to talk to you comes with the territory . I don 't care what any of them might say , on most levels they like it . I know I would . Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
So , let 's see . . . where was I ? Oh right ! Pouring rain outside at least 40 people inside , half of them kids , husband unable to move , all for Lana 's fifth birthday party . YAY ! Well , after I got Andy situated on the bed in a position that wasn 't killing him , and after my small inner freak out , my mind started racing . How could I fix him ? Who do I know that has good drugs ? Do WE have any good drugs ? I mean other than the very strong sangria I made . Although , Andy 's not really a big drinker , so that wouldn 't work anyway . And what about all the food he was supposed to be picking up right then ? How was THAT going to happen ? I could go get everything myself , but Andy was in no shape to watch the girls and I still had things to do in the house . What about the PINATA ? ? How the hell were we going to do a piΓ±ata in my little house ? ? So I did the one thing I don 't usually like to do , I asked for help . No , I am not one to ask for help . I am the woman you see walking out of the grocery with one kid on her hip throwing a tantrum , dragging another by the hand , carrying four grocery bags and insisting I 'm fine . I don 't know why I don 't like asking for help . I guess it 's a combination of me wanting to do everything for myself , and not wanting to put anyone else out . This time I had no choice . I guess I could have done it all myself , but it would have been more stress than I needed at that point . Not to mention , I wouldn 't have been able to shower . Something I believe everyone should do before having a party with 40 people at their house . Just sayin ' . The first call I made was to the awesome , fantastic , amazing , always there for me in a pinch , Melinda . It wasn 't even a hesitation for her , but a " what do you need and where is it ? " She showed up at my house by 12 : 30 , in the pouring rain , with a car full of food and balloons . I had totally forgotten what kind of balloons I had ordered , and the gigantic Hello Kitty completely took over her small car . I have no idea how she even got them in there to begin with ! The pickups were taken care of , which left me free to finish up what I needed to at home . Now I just had to figure out what to do for my husband . The second call I made was to my best friend and walking pharmacy , Melissa . For a long time , Melissa would have whatever kind of pill you needed on her . Motrin , Tylenol , Excedrin . You need something stronger ? She might have some Vicodin or Tylenol with Codeine . Anxiety ? There 's some Xanex in there somewhere . It 's not like she ever obtained anything illegally . Just the opposite . She would have a prescription for something , and never liked to take all of it , so she had leftovers . Unfortunately , all those prescriptions expired at some point and a few months ago she got rid of most of them . I tried to tell her that the expiration dates were just a suggestion . What about her friends who might need that stuff for back pain or anxiety from throwing her five year old daughter 's birthday party inside . Apparently we weren 't in her thoughts when she flushed them down the toilet . Whatever Melissa ! However , she did find some Tylenol with Codeine that made the cut . She was willing to bring a few to help ease Andy 's pain . The only problem was that she lives about 35 minutes from us and wasn 't going to be at the party until later in the afternoon . I had to find something before then or Andy was destined to spend the afternoon in our bedroom . Then I remembered the last time this happened , Andy got some muscle relaxers from our friends Norb and Cecelia . Cecelia had back problems at one point and she too had some left over medication . What were the chances hers weren 't expired and flushed down the toilet to dope up the fish in the ocean ? I called them to find out and spoke to Norb . Luckily , Cecelia did have some left . The even better news was that they only live a mile from us . I asked if he could pretty please bring them over and he agreed . We have some fantastic friends , is all I 'll say . About thirty minutes after taking the pill , Andy was able to move around a VERY little . But it was enough to get him to take a shower and at least make him party presentable . I showered with him to make sure he didn 't fall over and have a concussion . That was all we would need ! I had to help him get dried off and dressed , since every move he made led to more pain . He kept saying how humiliated he felt , but I help three kids get dressed every day , so really , what 's the difference ? Besides , I think there was something about this in our vows somewhere , so I 'm obligated to do it . Once we got a heating wrap and his back brace on him , he was a bit more mobile . Enough where he could at least come out and attend the party , even if he couldn 't really help do to much . I rushed to get myself ready , which having kids has taught me to do quickly and still look good . I remember the days it would take me an HOUR AND A HALF to get ready . Seriously ? ? Well , that was in the days of high hair too , and if the bangs were to long and in need of a cut you could tack on an extra twenty minutes . Not now though . Now I can get showered , hair dried , makeup on , dressed and out the door in thirty minutes . Well , as long as I 'm left alone and don 't have to break up fights . To avoid this I let the girls sit in front of the TV for an hour , so I could get Andy and myself ready . It was all I could do at that point . They certainly didn 't argue about it . Just after I was done getting dressed , I realized it was 12 : 25 . I didn 't have the guacamole made , drinks ready or any of the snacks out . No big deal though , because nobody comes to these things on time and certainly not when it 's raining in Los Angeles . Except my friend Stacy and her family . They gave themselves to much time to get to our house and Of all my friends , Stacy is the most like me as far as cooking goes . Meaning , she does . So when they walked in and saw I wasn 't ready yet and I explained the situation , they immediately asked what they could do . I had no problem having her make the guacamole , while her husband and my girls helped get drinks in the coolers . Within minutes , Melinda arrived and we had what food we needed . Then before I knew it there were 40 people in my house . I 'm not sure when it happened or how fast , all I know is it got very crowded and very LOUD very quickly . My Grandpa showed up at one point with his girlfriend ( yes , my 85 year old Grandpa has a GIRLFRIEND ! SO cute ! ) They didn 't stay very long , however , because I think it was just to much for them . Can 't say I blame them . I was ready to stand outside in the rain at one point . It did go well though . The kids all went to the bedrooms and played or got their faces painted by Sonya , The adults hung out in the kitchen or living room , ate , drank and chatted . Time went by quickly and the rain came down harder . We played pin the tail on the donkey , an old time fav and perfect for the rainy day party . Happy birthday was sung to Lana , cake was eaten and good times were had . I even figured out a way to have the kids do the piΓ±ata . One of our friends who was at the party , who 's name also happens to be Andy , is VERY tall . I 'm not even sure how tall . 6 ' 3 " , 6 ' 5 " maybe ? I don 't know , when you 're 5 ' 1 " anything over 5 ' 5 " looks tall . Anyway , I had Andy hold the piΓ±ata up . Instead of using a bat , because I didn 't want anyone to injure tall Andy , we just had the kids pull the strings they put on the pinatas nowadays . I never liked those strings and always thought it was cop out to use them . What fun is that ? The fun part of the piΓ±ata is being able to beat the shit out of it , right ? Well , now I know what those strings are there for . Inside birthday parties . Plus , as it turns out , hitting the piΓ±ata is secondary . All the kids really want is the candy anyway . So that was that . Lana had a great tiOh ! I almost forgot ! Lana threw up toward the end of the party . Nothing big , just from coughing to hard and gagging , not a stomach bug or anything . But , chocolate cake came up and her dress and the rug in her room had to be washed . Not to mention , she effectively ended the tea party she and her friends were having . Aaaannnnd , Georgia pooped her pants . But , still good and still fun ! Just a bit crazy . side note - Thank you again to all our friends who helped make the party happen ; Melinda , Norb , Cecelia , Stacy - you rock . Tall Andy - thanks for holding the piΓ±ata . Melissa - thank you for the Tylenol with Codeine . Good thing those weren 't expired ! A few years ago , after Georgia was born , Andy and I made the decision that we were not throwing huge birthday parties every year for the girls . That would be three big kids parties a year and we just don 't have the funds , or the patience , to deal with it . We figured we would just have parties on the " big " years . One , five , ten , thirteen , sixteen , eighteen . They can throw their own drunken all out crazy party for themselves at 21 in college , like the rest of us did . Besides , it would be so NOT cool to have your parents give you a 21st birthday party . Well , unless your parents are Angelina and Brad . This is not to say we don 't celebrate the girls ' birthdays every year though . We usually have a family and close friends gathering , with cake and a BBQ , but nothing like what I was planning for Lana this year . We invited all the kids in her pre - school class , as well as other friends and family we have in our lives . We were having a bounce house and a pinata , sandwiches and snacks , juice boxes and sangria . ( Gotta have SOMETHING for the parents ! ) There were about 40 people coming . And then . . . then it rained , and then . . . then Andy 's back went out TWO hours before the party . It 's a good thing I 've spent the past few years practicing keeping my shit together . Let 's start with the rain . We knew rain was fore casted . I had been looking at the weather report all week , but I kept hoping it would change or they were wrong . It 's not like the weather people have that much to predict here in Southern California , so you 'd figure when we do get weather they would be dead on , but not so much . Just the weekend before it was supposed to rain all day Saturday and Sunday . Saturday it poured , Sunday was sunny and gorgeous . I was hoping for that kind of mistake . But no , this time they were right . Thanks Dallas Raines ! ( Gotta love the meteorologist names . ) It wasn 't raining when we woke up on Sunday , but it looked like it might at any moment . My only prayer was for it to hold off just until the afternoon , but as you might have guessed , prayers and luck were not with us . As the man from the jumper company pulled up in front of my house at 10 : 30 , the rain started . I debated whether or not to have him put it up anyway , and just hope for a stop in the rain . As I stood out there talking to him though , I knew it was no good . The rain was coming down in big , fat , we are here to stay for a while ! drops . Not the sprinkly , misty kind that might let up at some point . He was very nice about it and didn 't make me keep it or pay him anyway . He totally understood . Plus we 've used them a few times before for other parties we 've had , so we 're best buds now . ( Burbank Jumpers and Party Rentals , for any of you close by . ) When I came back inside , after deciding against the bounce house , I found Sonya and Lana on the couch in tears . Great . Just what I had time for , consoling crying children . They wanted the bounce house ! Why couldn 't we get it ? ! I mentioned the rain , but they didn 't seem to care . I mean , a wet bounce house ! That 's even MORE fun ! What was I thinking sending it away ? Eventually , they calmed down when I told them I would call and have it come back if it stopped raining . There was a better chance of Angelina and Brad showing up at Lana 's party . I resigned myself to the fact that it was just going to rain and I set up the party for inside . I took the rug out of Sonya 's room , set up the little picnic table and her face paints . I put up the art easel , coloring book and crayons . This would be the designated art area . Lana and Georgia 's room would just be a free for all play area . I was sure it would be a disaster of mess at the end , but there was nothing else to be done . Just for the record , we don 't live in a huge house . It 's about 1600 square feet and about 500 of that is our bedroom , which I was NOT about to let the kids run around in . Although , I briefly thought about setting up the bounce house in there . Okay good , I figured out how to have the party despite the weather outside . Now there was the problem of my disabled husband laying on the bed in our room , unable to walk , let alone help get things ready . Let me go backwards a minute . Earlier in the morning , before the unavoidable rain , Andy was putting something away in the attic . When he came back down , he mentioned that he might have tweaked his back . He has this reoccurring back problem , that came about a couple years ago . I told him to go take some Motrin and get on the Inversion Table right away , knowing how quickly this can go bad . He usually hangs upside down on the Inversion Table on a regular basis , which keeps his back problems at by . However , he 's had a cold / sinus infection for a couple weeks and hanging upside down is not so great for his already stuffed up head . He took the Motrin , but before hanging upside down he needed to answer nature 's call . Except that sitting after he tweaked his back , was apparently not the best thing for him . I was outside rinsing out a cooler and the next thing I know Lana is calling me , because Daddy hurt his back real bad . I found him in our bathroom leaning against the counter unable to move . " This is bad , this is bad , " he kept repeating . We managed to get him over to the bed and laying down in a position that wasn 't excruciating for him . It was 10am . The party started at 12 : 30 . He was freaking out , and saying how bad the pain was , how he couldn 't move and what was he going to do . I remained calm and collected on the outside saying , " Let me think , we 'll figure this out , don 't worry about it . Just rest . " Except in my head I was thinking , " FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK ! ! ! " It 's okay , the girls can 't hear me say that word in my head . He couldn 't move , I had a ton of things to do at the house still since it was raining , not to mention the food that needed to be picked up ! THE FOOD ! ! And the Balloons ! ! These were things he was supposed to do . How the hell was I going to get everything done completely on my own in a little over two hours , get myself ready and find a way to have Andy upright , in at least a little less pain , and party presentable ? ? This , my friends , is what being a mother is all about . Finding a way out of a shitty mess of a day and make sure it 's your daughter 's best birthday party ever , without saying what I thought in my head out loud . It wasn 't easy , but I managed it . You will have to come back for the rest of the story later on this week though . This one is getting a little long and we have to get to piano lessons . To be continued . . . . Yesterday was Miss Lana 's 5th birthday . FIVE ! She 's FIVE ! Five feels like such an accomplishment . I 'm not sure why . Maybe it 's because it proves that for a second time I can keep a human being alive and functioning for five years . See , I DO know what I 'm doing as a mom ! ! And this one can be stubborn and ornery , so it 's been even more of a challenge . I think five also feels important , because this is when she will start elementary school , and her memory will most likely hold from here . I know most of my earliest memories are around four or five . There was a time , when she was a baby , that I wasn 't sure I was good enough to make her survive until five . Why you ask ? Well , because at her nine month check up we discovered she had only gained half a pound in three months . Now for those of you who haven 't had a baby , you 're probably thinking , " How bad can that be really ? " But I heard you moms just gasp in horror . There are some babies that put on half a pound in two days . So , half a pound from month six to month nine is more than not so good . There was a simple explanation for this . When Lana was seven months old , I found out I was pregnant with Georgia . Something , I 've mentioned to you all before that was sooo not planned . Yet , there I was pregnant and still nursing my second baby . Lana had been eating some solid food , but she was still getting the majority of her calories from nursing . Or perhaps she wasn 't . When my pediatrician discovered how little she had grown , he immediately became concerned and ordered a battery of blood tests for her . I mentioned that I was pregnant and still nursing and perhaps my body couldn 't keep up with both . Perhaps my milk supply wasn 't what it should be . He didn 't seem to think that was the problem , but decided it would be a good idea to put her on formula , so we knew exactly what she was getting . The good news is this all happened right after Christmas , and my parents were still visiting . I decided to stop nursing completely and have my mom force a bottle on Lana . I say force , because although none of the girls were ever good about taking a bottle , Lana NEVER took one . When I say never , I mean never . My mom tried for an entire day to get her to drink that thing and she flat out refused . She would have starved to death before she put her lips on such a wretched thing . Where was the boob ? ? ! ! It was so heartbreaking to hear her screaming and crying while my mom tried to coax formula into her . The thing was , I really wasn 't producing any milk , or very , very little . I quit nursing cold turkey and I didn 't even get so much as a slight twinge of pain or engorgement that you hear about . My body had taken whatever it was using to make milk and put it toward growing the current baby residing inside of me . I guess I wasn 't up to the task of both . Yes , it 's sSince Lana refused to take a bottle , our only other option was combining any solid food she was eating with formula . She had only just started the sippy cup and wasn 't proficient at it , so we needed to get the calories in her any way we could . So for a month , everything Lana ate was liquefied with formula . Mashed green beans with two ounces of formula . Mmmm . . . . green bean liquid . We fed it to her on a spoon and she ate it . Mashed sweet potatoes , with formula , chicken with formula - you get the idea . This worked though , because within a week she gained 1 / 2 a pound . In the meantime we still had to get her blood tested , just to be on the safe side that this wasn 't some strange disease . Let me tell you how much fun it is to make your nine month old baby have blood taken . Zero . Zero fun . Less than zero even . It was one of the more heart wrenching experiences of my life . Turns out it is quite the challenge to find a vein in a baby . The nurse must have stuck her with the needle at least five times before finding the vein to extract the blood from . I held her on my lap and pinned her arms down . Every time the nurse would stick her with the needle she would turn to me , crying and give me a look that said , " Why are you letting him do this to me ? ? I thought you were here to help me , woman ! ? " I cried right along with her . It seemed to take four hours , but I 'm sure it was closer to four minutes , to get blood from her . Thankfully , my mom was with me then too , because I don 't think I could have handled it alone . My nine month old baby begin stabbed over and over again . My emotions were running high already because of being pregnant , nauseous , and overemotional with the third baby . When all was said and done the blood tests came back fine . Nothing was seriously wrong with her . It was just as I suspected , my milk supply had been seriously lacking . As soon as the formula was force fed into her , she quickly gained weight and was back on track . Well , sort of . Of the three girls , she is the tiniest one . She and Georgia weigh exactly thsparkly . How could she NOT like it ? Saturday Andy and I took the girls to see " The Lorax " . Normally , Sonya has baseball on Saturdays , but it was a very rainy day here in Los Angeles , which we needed badly . So all games were cancelled and we took the opportunity to go to the movies instead . Lana fared better this time . There were only a few times she hid her eyes and asked when it was going to be over . She will like going to the movies yet , dammit ! I thought the movie was good and the message behind it , which is of course the message of the book , is one that I knew would make me a bit emotional . I get weepy at movies and TV very easily . I always have , but it seems to have gotten worse since I had the girls . Toward the end of the movie I could feel myself choking up . Then I started to get teary eyed , when the last tree was cut down and the Lorax left . ( Sorry if I spoiled it , but it 's in the book people ! ) Just as I was trying not to cry I heard a sniff come from my right and I looked over to see Sonya completely in tears . She was close to sobbing by the end . Once I saw this there was no way to keep my own tears from flowing . She and I cried through the last ten minutes of the movie . It appears I have passed on that sappy , overemotional , crying at movie gene to her . I 'm sure she 'll feel just as stupid one day when she finds herself crying over a telephone or dog food commercial . It 's okay , though . It happens to the best of us ! Since it 's the middle of March , Sonya is in full baseball season mode . She had her first game a couple of weeks ago . This year she plays on a coach pitch team . I wasn 't sure she was going to play at all this year though . I 'm not sure why , but by the end of the season last year , and all summer , she kept telling me she didn 't want to play again . She did such a great job last year and seemed to love it . I wrote about it here and here . I don 't know if she was burnt out with all her activities by June , or she was nervous to go from T - ball to coach pitch , but she was adamant that she wasn 't playing again . I let it go and didn 't bother her about it for a while , but then sign ups came around in December . I managed to convince her to play again this year and see how it went . If she hated it by the end , I would never make her play again . So far , she is enjoying it even more this year , and I am putting a check in the good pushy mother category for myself . Well , so far . There are few reasons why it 's better for her this year . First of all , the team she is on this year , The Cardinals , really has their shit together . The coaches know what they 're doing and they 're great with the kids . Figuring out how to hit the ball when it 's not on a T has been a challenge for her , but it 's been a challenge for most of the kids . She is starting to get the hang of it , as they all are . She is also on the team with her best friend since she was 10 months old , Carter . Carter and his family moved about an hour and half away a couple years ago , but this past December they moved back . When Sonya was going to try outs for baseball in January , I told Stacy ( Carter 's mom ) about it and mentioned they should sign Carter up . They decided it was a great idea . We did a little finagling and managed to get the kids on the same team . This has helped to keep Sonya 's interest in wanting to go to practice , because she gets to hang out with Carter . It has also renewed her interest in playing the game . She did well the first game of the season , but I could tell shThe coaches apparently agreed . After the game , while the kids were having their snack and listening to their post - game talk from the coach , my little girl was presented with the game ball . I , of course , choked back tears . She was so excited and proud . Andy and I even more so . I mean , we know it 's only Little League , but it 's so great to see your child do well at something . Especially when it 's something they love . Even if she fell out of love for a few months , it seems to be going strong again . Coach Marvin presents Sonya with the game ball . Last week on my bi - monthly Target trip ( I 'm trying to cut down ) , I stopped in the candle aisle to look for something for the house and for gifts . Usually we only burn Yankee candles around the holidays , but on those days when the house reeks from me making fish , or the trash hasn 't been taken out in a timely manner , I need something to help cut down the smelliness . So as I was smelling every candle in Target , Lana and Georgia were right beside me taking their own wiffs . After a couple minutes , this started to make me nervous because one false sniff of the wrong strong scent and Georgia might be thrown into a migraine . As of this point , she hasn 't had one since the doctor put her on the medication . She is due for one , so I 'm grateful that it hasn 't happened yet and keep hoping it 's because of the medication . However , I am wondering if it just isn 't time for one yet . It 's hard to tell . I wasn 't really wanting to tempt fate by having a bunch of different scents surrounding her , so I asked them to please stop smelling the candles , for Georgia 's sake . Yeah , right . I realized I had to get out of the aisle . I quickly chose what I wanted and we left , before any damage was done . Georgia seemed to be fine afterward and talked about how " da smells could make her dizzy " , but she wasn 't dizzy , so it seemed that test was passed . It 's nice to know this medicine really seems to be doing it 's job . On the way home in the car , she and Lana started to talk about smelling the candles again . Georgia said , A few months back I wrote this story about the girls , and particularly Georgia , in dance class . At the time I couldn 't show you what they were doing , because we weren 't allowed to video or take pictures . This past Tuesday was the last class for this particular session , so the teacher allowed us to roll or snap away . I took these videos with my phone . The first one is a bit further away from them and you can get an idea of what everyone is SUPPOSED to be doing . Sort of . The second one , I managed to get closer to the girls so you can really see how awesome they are . Awesomely adorable anyway . The dancing . . . . well , we 're going to practice some more . They are doing this Bunny Hop dance for the spring recital at the beginning of June . You can tell the " hopping " is the favorite part for all the kids , especially my girls . I also find it entertaining how Georgia can never really figure out which direction she is supposed to be dancing . And Lana . . . Lana just looks bored . Okay , so they might not be headed to a career in dance , but they do love going almost as much as I love watching them . Hope you enjoy it too ! A couple months ago , a friend I used to work with , sent me an email telling me about a show at the local high school in March . Her daughter was in the show . This particular show was not a play or a musical , but a singing , dancing Glee like extravaganza . I had heard that the local high school had performances like this and that they were quite good . So good that they had , in recent years , been on Oprah and traveled all over the world to compete . In fact , the hit show Glee , had been somewhat based on the vocal program at John Burroughs High School . They even fashioned the room on Glee after the one at JBHS . Last year the teacher I had at the Parent Education Class I took Georgia to , was the mom of the director of the vocal program there . This how I came into all this information . She really liked to brag about her son , and with good reason . It was after that I found out my friend 's daughter , was involved in the program . Being somewhat of a Gleek myself , I was up for checking out a show sometime . So when Marie sent me the information , I bought tickets for Sonya and myself . I decided to just take Sonya for a few reasons . First and foremost , Glee is something she and I watch together . Now before you freak out about what content my child is exposed to , I usually preview it , or at least know what the episode entails , so it 's nothing I can 't explain and she shouldn 't know about . She did NOT watch the episode about everyone losing or trying to lose their virginity . Obviously , we are not ready for certain conversations . However , it 's opened up other conversations for us and she asks me questions when she has them . And to be perfectly honest , most of it goes over her head . She just loves the singing and dancing . Not to mention , I was watching shows like Three 's Company when I was her age . I did not get the whole Jack pretending to be gay thing and living with two girls until I was much older . I just thought John Ritter was funny . It didn 't really seem to effect how I turned out , although maybe it IS why I was okay living wi " I can 't wait for my girls to go to high school . " Never saw that one coming ! Even though I 've always feared the teens years , I see now that there will be much to look forward to . Posted by Okay , so have I made you wait long enough to tell you about our celebrity encounter ? Well , if you 're in the know , the title of this entry clues you in to who it was . If not , then I 'll just say it . Neil Patrick . . . wait for it . . . Harris . That 's right , Doogie effing Howser ! AKA - currently the girl chasing character Barney on How I Met Your Mother , a show I watch every week . In real life he 's a super nice gay guy with a partner and adorable boy and girl twins . We 're totally best friends now and have a playdate set up for next week . Here 's what happened . Well , I guess before I tell you this story , you should know that I like to talk to celebrities . Anyone who knows me will tell you I have no problem walking up to them , introducing myself , and chatting with them . Most of the time I tell them how much I like whatever show or movie they 've done . I promise it 's not as douchy as it sounds . I am very respectful . I don 't chase after anyone and when I 've said my piece I leave . I don 't turn into some teenage Justin Bieber loving girl and squeal when I see someone . ( Although , I have not met Jon Bon Jovi . There is a small chance I would do that with him . ) There were many celebrities I met when I used to work at the movie advertising company . People like , Adam Sandler , Kevin Costner , and Mike Myers . Then there is the place the girls take gymnastics where I became acquaintance / friends with Christine Taylor of the Brady Bunch movies , married to Ben Stiller ( who I also met at one point ) . We used to chat while our girls took their class . They moved to New York last year though , so we don 't hang out anymore . Sonya used to have class with Joel Mchale 's oldest kid and we were friends with them for a while . For real though . We went to birthday parties . Last summer I walked over to Jason Bateman , who was sitting at gymnastics , and chatted with him for a bit . He recommended that I see Bridesmaids stating that it was a very funny movie . Then there are the countless times I just run into stars out and about . One of my favorite encounters was wi " Don 't turn around , but Neil Patrick Harris is here , " he said to me . " DON ' T TURN AROUND ! " He said again , not trusting me . Please ! I 've been through this before . I know how to play it cool in these celebrity situations . I just took Lana to the bathroom to see where he was . Well , she did have to go . Sure enough there he was sitting diagonally behind us with a table full of family . The twins were in high chairs and looked to me not much older than a year . That in itself , it when I felt better about the girls being there . We WEREN ' T the only ones with kids at sushi ! Neil Patrick Harris brought his even younger kids out ! He was even more awesome now . Of course , after I realized he was there , the wheels started turning in my head as to how I could go over and tell him how much I loved him . Without being douchy or disrespectful of course . Eventually , I decided there wasn 't really a good way . He was having dinner with his family and I wasn 't about to bother him . I figured this would just be a celebrity sighting this time and not an encounter . Until . . . " He 's an actor , Sonya , " Andy explained to her . Her eyes got wide , " Ooohh . . . " she said somewhat captivated . Then Andy and I spent the next five minutes trying to figure out how she knew he was , " the guy from TV " . She doesn 't watch How I Met Your Mother . I love the show but it 's not exactly kid friendly . Perhaps she 'd seen a commercial for it ? " Was he on Sesame Street ? " Andy asked . I 'm sure he had been at one point , but it has been a while since the girls have watched that show , and I doubted she would remember him from when she was three . " Wait ! Wasn 't he in the Muppets ? " Andy said referring to the latest movie . " Yes ! " I said at first , and then immediately , " No , no he wasn 't in that . . . it was another kids movie . . . THE SMURFS ! ' I suddenly realized . " Oh yeah ! " Sonya exclaimed . " I liked that movie . " Here was my opening . Yes , I was going to use my child . It was only fair . I mean I feed her , and take care of her all day . The least she could do was help me meet Mr . Harris . " Okay , " I said , letting it go again . " I guess she didn 't get that gene from me , " I told Andy . " I 'll go ! " Lana piped up . " No , it 's okay Lana , " I said . She had no idea who he was or seen the movie , so that was pointless . But it 's good to know she 's so willing to talk to strangers . Over the next ten minutes I could see Sonya glancing in Neil Patrick 's direction . She looked conflicted . Then finally she said to me , " Mommy , I want to go , but I want YOU to tell him . " Let 's see , let me think about this . . . . " Okay , let 's go ! " I said . Luckily , he was done with dinner and they were all packing up getting ready to leave the restaurant , so were weren 't interrupting the meal . I walked over to where he was loading up the diaper bag , with Sonya in tow . " Excuse me , Mr . Harris ? " I said , making sure I didn 't sound not to sound like crazy fan lady . " What ? What happened ? ! " He said in his comedic tones . " My daughter just wanted to come over here and tell you how much she liked you in The Smurfs movie , " I told him . " OH ! You saw The Smurfs ? " He said addressing Sonya . " Well , you know we 're making a new one that is going to come out next summer . Smurfette gets into all kinds of trouble . " He told her . " Oh we 'll have to go see that ! " I said , looking at Sonya . Then I told him how much I liked him in How I Met Your Mother . I asked about the twins and how old they were . He told me 16 months . Then his partner interjected apologizing about how bad they were at dinner , hoping they didn 't bother anyone . I reassured him that it was fine , and they were braver than I was for even taking babies out for sushi . Neil , ( yes we 're on a first name basis ) said they 've been eating sushi , since they started eating food and how much they loved it . Then we thanked him , he said goodbye to us , we went to our table and they left . He couldn 't have been a sweeter guy and especially to Sonya . She sat back down at dinner smiling from ear to ear . I love him even more now . When I told my sister , Beth , this story she requested that we have a run in with a celebrity when she and her family come to visit this summer . While I can 't guarantee that we will run into someone , I am the person you want to be with if you do . I will go up and talk to anyone . They 're just people , after all . I see no reason NOT to talk to them . And in all the years that I have met and chatted with a star , I have yet to meet someone who has blown me off or been a complete asshole . When it comes down to it , they got into this business not just because they loved to act , but because they wanted to be famous . Having someone recognize you and want to talk to you comes with the territory . I don 't care what any of them might say , on most levels they like it . I know I would . Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
So , let 's see . . . where was I ? Oh right ! Pouring rain outside at least 40 people inside , half of them kids , husband unable to move , all for Lana 's fifth birthday party . YAY ! Well , after I got Andy situated on the bed in a position that wasn 't killing him , and after my small inner freak out , my mind started racing . How could I fix him ? Who do I know that has good drugs ? Do WE have any good drugs ? I mean other than the very strong sangria I made . Although , Andy 's not really a big drinker , so that wouldn 't work anyway . And what about all the food he was supposed to be picking up right then ? How was THAT going to happen ? I could go get everything myself , but Andy was in no shape to watch the girls and I still had things to do in the house . What about the PINATA ? ? How the hell were we going to do a piΓ±ata in my little house ? ? So I did the one thing I don 't usually like to do , I asked for help . No , I am not one to ask for help . I am the woman you see walking out of the grocery with one kid on her hip throwing a tantrum , dragging another by the hand , carrying four grocery bags and insisting I 'm fine . I don 't know why I don 't like asking for help . I guess it 's a combination of me wanting to do everything for myself , and not wanting to put anyone else out . This time I had no choice . I guess I could have done it all myself , but it would have been more stress than I needed at that point . Not to mention , I wouldn 't have been able to shower . Something I believe everyone should do before having a party with 40 people at their house . Just sayin ' . The first call I made was to the awesome , fantastic , amazing , always there for me in a pinch , Melinda . It wasn 't even a hesitation for her , but a " what do you need and where is it ? " She showed up at my house by 12 : 30 , in the pouring rain , with a car full of food and balloons . I had totally forgotten what kind of balloons I had ordered , and the gigantic Hello Kitty completely took over her small car . I have no idea how she even got them in there to begin with ! The pickups were taken care of , which left me free to finish up what I needed to at home . Now I just had to figure out what to do for my husband . The second call I made was to my best friend and walking pharmacy , Melissa . For a long time , Melissa would have whatever kind of pill you needed on her . Motrin , Tylenol , Excedrin . You need something stronger ? She might have some Vicodin or Tylenol with Codeine . Anxiety ? There 's some Xanex in there somewhere . It 's not like she ever obtained anything illegally . Just the opposite . She would have a prescription for something , and never liked to take all of it , so she had leftovers . Unfortunately , all those prescriptions expired at some point and a few months ago she got rid of most of them . I tried to tell her that the expiration dates were just a suggestion . What about her friends who might need that stuff for back pain or anxiety from throwing her five year old daughter 's birthday party inside . Apparently we weren 't in her thoughts when she flushed them down the toilet . Whatever Melissa ! However , she did find some Tylenol with Codeine that made the cut . She was willing to bring a few to help ease Andy 's pain . The only problem was that she lives about 35 minutes from us and wasn 't going to be at the party until later in the afternoon . I had to find something before then or Andy was destined to spend the afternoon in our bedroom . Then I remembered the last time this happened , Andy got some muscle relaxers from our friends Norb and Cecelia . Cecelia had back problems at one point and she too had some left over medication . What were the chances hers weren 't expired and flushed down the toilet to dope up the fish in the ocean ? I called them to find out and spoke to Norb . Luckily , Cecelia did have some left . The even better news was that they only live a mile from us . I asked if he could pretty please bring them over and he agreed . We have some fantastic friends , is all I 'll say . About thirty minutes after taking the pill , Andy was able to move around a VERY little . But it was enough to get him to take a shower and at least make him party presentable . I showered with him to make sure he didn 't fall over and have a concussion . That was all we would need ! I had to help him get dried off and dressed , since every move he made led to more pain . He kept saying how humiliated he felt , but I help three kids get dressed every day , so really , what 's the difference ? Besides , I think there was something about this in our vows somewhere , so I 'm obligated to do it . Once we got a heating wrap and his back brace on him , he was a bit more mobile . Enough where he could at least come out and attend the party , even if he couldn 't really help do to much . I rushed to get myself ready , which having kids has taught me to do quickly and still look good . I remember the days it would take me an HOUR AND A HALF to get ready . Seriously ? ? Well , that was in the days of high hair too , and if the bangs were to long and in need of a cut you could tack on an extra twenty minutes . Not now though . Now I can get showered , hair dried , makeup on , dressed and out the door in thirty minutes . Well , as long as I 'm left alone and don 't have to break up fights . To avoid this I let the girls sit in front of the TV for an hour , so I could get Andy and myself ready . It was all I could do at that point . They certainly didn 't argue about it . Just after I was done getting dressed , I realized it was 12 : 25 . I didn 't have the guacamole made , drinks ready or any of the snacks out . No big deal though , because nobody comes to these things on time and certainly not when it 's raining in Los Angeles . Except my friend Stacy and her family . They gave themselves to much time to get to our house and Of all my friends , Stacy is the most like me as far as cooking goes . Meaning , she does . So when they walked in and saw I wasn 't ready yet and I explained the situation , they immediately asked what they could do . I had no problem having her make the guacamole , while her husband and my girls helped get drinks in the coolers . Within minutes , Melinda arrived and we had what food we needed . Then before I knew it there were 40 people in my house . I 'm not sure when it happened or how fast , all I know is it got very crowded and very LOUD very quickly . My Grandpa showed up at one point with his girlfriend ( yes , my 85 year old Grandpa has a GIRLFRIEND ! SO cute ! ) They didn 't stay very long , however , because I think it was just to much for them . Can 't say I blame them . I was ready to stand outside in the rain at one point . It did go well though . The kids all went to the bedrooms and played or got their faces painted by Sonya , The adults hung out in the kitchen or living room , ate , drank and chatted . Time went by quickly and the rain came down harder . We played pin the tail on the donkey , an old time fav and perfect for the rainy day party . Happy birthday was sung to Lana , cake was eaten and good times were had . I even figured out a way to have the kids do the piΓ±ata . One of our friends who was at the party , who 's name also happens to be Andy , is VERY tall . I 'm not even sure how tall . 6 ' 3 " , 6 ' 5 " maybe ? I don 't know , when you 're 5 ' 1 " anything over 5 ' 5 " looks tall . Anyway , I had Andy hold the piΓ±ata up . Instead of using a bat , because I didn 't want anyone to injure tall Andy , we just had the kids pull the strings they put on the pinatas nowadays . I never liked those strings and always thought it was cop out to use them . What fun is that ? The fun part of the piΓ±ata is being able to beat the shit out of it , right ? Well , now I know what those strings are there for . Inside birthday parties . Plus , as it turns out , hitting the piΓ±ata is secondary . All the kids really want is the candy anyway . So that was that . Lana had a great tiOh ! I almost forgot ! Lana threw up toward the end of the party . Nothing big , just from coughing to hard and gagging , not a stomach bug or anything . But , chocolate cake came up and her dress and the rug in her room had to be washed . Not to mention , she effectively ended the tea party she and her friends were having . Aaaannnnd , Georgia pooped her pants . But , still good and still fun ! Just a bit crazy . side note - Thank you again to all our friends who helped make the party happen ; Melinda , Norb , Cecelia , Stacy - you rock . Tall Andy - thanks for holding the piΓ±ata . Melissa - thank you for the Tylenol with Codeine . Good thing those weren 't expired ! A few years ago , after Georgia was born , Andy and I made the decision that we were not throwing huge birthday parties every year for the girls . That would be three big kids parties a year and we just don 't have the funds , or the patience , to deal with it . We figured we would just have parties on the " big " years . One , five , ten , thirteen , sixteen , eighteen . They can throw their own drunken all out crazy party for themselves at 21 in college , like the rest of us did . Besides , it would be so NOT cool to have your parents give you a 21st birthday party . Well , unless your parents are Angelina and Brad . This is not to say we don 't celebrate the girls ' birthdays every year though . We usually have a family and close friends gathering , with cake and a BBQ , but nothing like what I was planning for Lana this year . We invited all the kids in her pre - school class , as well as other friends and family we have in our lives . We were having a bounce house and a pinata , sandwiches and snacks , juice boxes and sangria . ( Gotta have SOMETHING for the parents ! ) There were about 40 people coming . And then . . . then it rained , and then . . . then Andy 's back went out TWO hours before the party . It 's a good thing I 've spent the past few years practicing keeping my shit together . Let 's start with the rain . We knew rain was fore casted . I had been looking at the weather report all week , but I kept hoping it would change or they were wrong . It 's not like the weather people have that much to predict here in Southern California , so you 'd figure when we do get weather they would be dead on , but not so much . Just the weekend before it was supposed to rain all day Saturday and Sunday . Saturday it poured , Sunday was sunny and gorgeous . I was hoping for that kind of mistake . But no , this time they were right . Thanks Dallas Raines ! ( Gotta love the meteorologist names . ) It wasn 't raining when we woke up on Sunday , but it looked like it might at any moment . My only prayer was for it to hold off just until the afternoon , but as you might have guessed , prayers and luck were not with us . As the man from the jumper company pulled up in front of my house at 10 : 30 , the rain started . I debated whether or not to have him put it up anyway , and just hope for a stop in the rain . As I stood out there talking to him though , I knew it was no good . The rain was coming down in big , fat , we are here to stay for a while ! drops . Not the sprinkly , misty kind that might let up at some point . He was very nice about it and didn 't make me keep it or pay him anyway . He totally understood . Plus we 've used them a few times before for other parties we 've had , so we 're best buds now . ( Burbank Jumpers and Party Rentals , for any of you close by . ) When I came back inside , after deciding against the bounce house , I found Sonya and Lana on the couch in tears . Great . Just what I had time for , consoling crying children . They wanted the bounce house ! Why couldn 't we get it ? ! I mentioned the rain , but they didn 't seem to care . I mean , a wet bounce house ! That 's even MORE fun ! What was I thinking sending it away ? Eventually , they calmed down when I told them I would call and have it come back if it stopped raining . There was a better chance of Angelina and Brad showing up at Lana 's party . I resigned myself to the fact that it was just going to rain and I set up the party for inside . I took the rug out of Sonya 's room , set up the little picnic table and her face paints . I put up the art easel , coloring book and crayons . This would be the designated art area . Lana and Georgia 's room would just be a free for all play area . I was sure it would be a disaster of mess at the end , but there was nothing else to be done . Just for the record , we don 't live in a huge house . It 's about 1600 square feet and about 500 of that is our bedroom , which I was NOT about to let the kids run around in . Although , I briefly thought about setting up the bounce house in there . Okay good , I figured out how to have the party despite the weather outside . Now there was the problem of my disabled husband laying on the bed in our room , unable to walk , let alone help get things ready . Let me go backwards a minute . Earlier in the morning , before the unavoidable rain , Andy was putting something away in the attic . When he came back down , he mentioned that he might have tweaked his back . He has this reoccurring back problem , that came about a couple years ago . I told him to go take some Motrin and get on the Inversion Table right away , knowing how quickly this can go bad . He usually hangs upside down on the Inversion Table on a regular basis , which keeps his back problems at by . However , he 's had a cold / sinus infection for a couple weeks and hanging upside down is not so great for his already stuffed up head . He took the Motrin , but before hanging upside down he needed to answer nature 's call . Except that sitting after he tweaked his back , was apparently not the best thing for him . I was outside rinsing out a cooler and the next thing I know Lana is calling me , because Daddy hurt his back real bad . I found him in our bathroom leaning against the counter unable to move . " This is bad , this is bad , " he kept repeating . We managed to get him over to the bed and laying down in a position that wasn 't excruciating for him . It was 10am . The party started at 12 : 30 . He was freaking out , and saying how bad the pain was , how he couldn 't move and what was he going to do . I remained calm and collected on the outside saying , " Let me think , we 'll figure this out , don 't worry about it . Just rest . " Except in my head I was thinking , " FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK ! ! ! " It 's okay , the girls can 't hear me say that word in my head . He couldn 't move , I had a ton of things to do at the house still since it was raining , not to mention the food that needed to be picked up ! THE FOOD ! ! And the Balloons ! ! These were things he was supposed to do . How the hell was I going to get everything done completely on my own in a little over two hours , get myself ready and find a way to have Andy upright , in at least a little less pain , and party presentable ? ? This , my friends , is what being a mother is all about . Finding a way out of a shitty mess of a day and make sure it 's your daughter 's best birthday party ever , without saying what I thought in my head out loud . It wasn 't easy , but I managed it . You will have to come back for the rest of the story later on this week though . This one is getting a little long and we have to get to piano lessons . To be continued . . . . Yesterday was Miss Lana 's 5th birthday . FIVE ! She 's FIVE ! Five feels like such an accomplishment . I 'm not sure why . Maybe it 's because it proves that for a second time I can keep a human being alive and functioning for five years . See , I DO know what I 'm doing as a mom ! ! And this one can be stubborn and ornery , so it 's been even more of a challenge . I think five also feels important , because this is when she will start elementary school , and her memory will most likely hold from here . I know most of my earliest memories are around four or five . There was a time , when she was a baby , that I wasn 't sure I was good enough to make her survive until five . Why you ask ? Well , because at her nine month check up we discovered she had only gained half a pound in three months . Now for those of you who haven 't had a baby , you 're probably thinking , " How bad can that be really ? " But I heard you moms just gasp in horror . There are some babies that put on half a pound in two days . So , half a pound from month six to month nine is more than not so good . There was a simple explanation for this . When Lana was seven months old , I found out I was pregnant with Georgia . Something , I 've mentioned to you all before that was sooo not planned . Yet , there I was pregnant and still nursing my second baby . Lana had been eating some solid food , but she was still getting the majority of her calories from nursing . Or perhaps she wasn 't . When my pediatrician discovered how little she had grown , he immediately became concerned and ordered a battery of blood tests for her . I mentioned that I was pregnant and still nursing and perhaps my body couldn 't keep up with both . Perhaps my milk supply wasn 't what it should be . He didn 't seem to think that was the problem , but decided it would be a good idea to put her on formula , so we knew exactly what she was getting . The good news is this all happened right after Christmas , and my parents were still visiting . I decided to stop nursing completely and have my mom force a bottle on Lana . I say force , because although none of the girls were ever good about taking a bottle , Lana NEVER took one . When I say never , I mean never . My mom tried for an entire day to get her to drink that thing and she flat out refused . She would have starved to death before she put her lips on such a wretched thing . Where was the boob ? ? ! ! It was so heartbreaking to hear her screaming and crying while my mom tried to coax formula into her . The thing was , I really wasn 't producing any milk , or very , very little . I quit nursing cold turkey and I didn 't even get so much as a slight twinge of pain or engorgement that you hear about . My body had taken whatever it was using to make milk and put it toward growing the current baby residing inside of me . I guess I wasn 't up to the task of both . Yes , it 's sSince Lana refused to take a bottle , our only other option was combining any solid food she was eating with formula . She had only just started the sippy cup and wasn 't proficient at it , so we needed to get the calories in her any way we could . So for a month , everything Lana ate was liquefied with formula . Mashed green beans with two ounces of formula . Mmmm . . . . green bean liquid . We fed it to her on a spoon and she ate it . Mashed sweet potatoes , with formula , chicken with formula - you get the idea . This worked though , because within a week she gained 1 / 2 a pound . In the meantime we still had to get her blood tested , just to be on the safe side that this wasn 't some strange disease . Let me tell you how much fun it is to make your nine month old baby have blood taken . Zero . Zero fun . Less than zero even . It was one of the more heart wrenching experiences of my life . Turns out it is quite the challenge to find a vein in a baby . The nurse must have stuck her with the needle at least five times before finding the vein to extract the blood from . I held her on my lap and pinned her arms down . Every time the nurse would stick her with the needle she would turn to me , crying and give me a look that said , " Why are you letting him do this to me ? ? I thought you were here to help me , woman ! ? " I cried right along with her . It seemed to take four hours , but I 'm sure it was closer to four minutes , to get blood from her . Thankfully , my mom was with me then too , because I don 't think I could have handled it alone . My nine month old baby begin stabbed over and over again . My emotions were running high already because of being pregnant , nauseous , and overemotional with the third baby . When all was said and done the blood tests came back fine . Nothing was seriously wrong with her . It was just as I suspected , my milk supply had been seriously lacking . As soon as the formula was force fed into her , she quickly gained weight and was back on track . Well , sort of . Of the three girls , she is the tiniest one . She and Georgia weigh exactly thsparkly . How could she NOT like it ? Saturday Andy and I took the girls to see " The Lorax " . Normally , Sonya has baseball on Saturdays , but it was a very rainy day here in Los Angeles , which we needed badly . So all games were cancelled and we took the opportunity to go to the movies instead . Lana fared better this time . There were only a few times she hid her eyes and asked when it was going to be over . She will like going to the movies yet , dammit ! I thought the movie was good and the message behind it , which is of course the message of the book , is one that I knew would make me a bit emotional . I get weepy at movies and TV very easily . I always have , but it seems to have gotten worse since I had the girls . Toward the end of the movie I could feel myself choking up . Then I started to get teary eyed , when the last tree was cut down and the Lorax left . ( Sorry if I spoiled it , but it 's in the book people ! ) Just as I was trying not to cry I heard a sniff come from my right and I looked over to see Sonya completely in tears . She was close to sobbing by the end . Once I saw this there was no way to keep my own tears from flowing . She and I cried through the last ten minutes of the movie . It appears I have passed on that sappy , overemotional , crying at movie gene to her . I 'm sure she 'll feel just as stupid one day when she finds herself crying over a telephone or dog food commercial . It 's okay , though . It happens to the best of us ! Since it 's the middle of March , Sonya is in full baseball season mode . She had her first game a couple of weeks ago . This year she plays on a coach pitch team . I wasn 't sure she was going to play at all this year though . I 'm not sure why , but by the end of the season last year , and all summer , she kept telling me she didn 't want to play again . She did such a great job last year and seemed to love it . I wrote about it here and here . I don 't know if she was burnt out with all her activities by June , or she was nervous to go from T - ball to coach pitch , but she was adamant that she wasn 't playing again . I let it go and didn 't bother her about it for a while , but then sign ups came around in December . I managed to convince her to play again this year and see how it went . If she hated it by the end , I would never make her play again . So far , she is enjoying it even more this year , and I am putting a check in the good pushy mother category for myself . Well , so far . There are few reasons why it 's better for her this year . First of all , the team she is on this year , The Cardinals , really has their shit together . The coaches know what they 're doing and they 're great with the kids . Figuring out how to hit the ball when it 's not on a T has been a challenge for her , but it 's been a challenge for most of the kids . She is starting to get the hang of it , as they all are . She is also on the team with her best friend since she was 10 months old , Carter . Carter and his family moved about an hour and half away a couple years ago , but this past December they moved back . When Sonya was going to try outs for baseball in January , I told Stacy ( Carter 's mom ) about it and mentioned they should sign Carter up . They decided it was a great idea . We did a little finagling and managed to get the kids on the same team . This has helped to keep Sonya 's interest in wanting to go to practice , because she gets to hang out with Carter . It has also renewed her interest in playing the game . She did well the first game of the season , but I could tell shThe coaches apparently agreed . After the game , while the kids were having their snack and listening to their post - game talk from the coach , my little girl was presented with the game ball . I , of course , choked back tears . She was so excited and proud . Andy and I even more so . I mean , we know it 's only Little League , but it 's so great to see your child do well at something . Especially when it 's something they love . Even if she fell out of love for a few months , it seems to be going strong again . Coach Marvin presents Sonya with the game ball . Last week on my bi - monthly Target trip ( I 'm trying to cut down ) , I stopped in the candle aisle to look for something for the house and for gifts . Usually we only burn Yankee candles around the holidays , but on those days when the house reeks from me making fish , or the trash hasn 't been taken out in a timely manner , I need something to help cut down the smelliness . So as I was smelling every candle in Target , Lana and Georgia were right beside me taking their own wiffs . After a couple minutes , this started to make me nervous because one false sniff of the wrong strong scent and Georgia might be thrown into a migraine . As of this point , she hasn 't had one since the doctor put her on the medication . She is due for one , so I 'm grateful that it hasn 't happened yet and keep hoping it 's because of the medication . However , I am wondering if it just isn 't time for one yet . It 's hard to tell . I wasn 't really wanting to tempt fate by having a bunch of different scents surrounding her , so I asked them to please stop smelling the candles , for Georgia 's sake . Yeah , right . I realized I had to get out of the aisle . I quickly chose what I wanted and we left , before any damage was done . Georgia seemed to be fine afterward and talked about how " da smells could make her dizzy " , but she wasn 't dizzy , so it seemed that test was passed . It 's nice to know this medicine really seems to be doing it 's job . On the way home in the car , she and Lana started to talk about smelling the candles again . Georgia said , A few months back I wrote this story about the girls , and particularly Georgia , in dance class . At the time I couldn 't show you what they were doing , because we weren 't allowed to video or take pictures . This past Tuesday was the last class for this particular session , so the teacher allowed us to roll or snap away . I took these videos with my phone . The first one is a bit further away from them and you can get an idea of what everyone is SUPPOSED to be doing . Sort of . The second one , I managed to get closer to the girls so you can really see how awesome they are . Awesomely adorable anyway . The dancing . . . . well , we 're going to practice some more . They are doing this Bunny Hop dance for the spring recital at the beginning of June . You can tell the " hopping " is the favorite part for all the kids , especially my girls . I also find it entertaining how Georgia can never really figure out which direction she is supposed to be dancing . And Lana . . . Lana just looks bored . Okay , so they might not be headed to a career in dance , but they do love going almost as much as I love watching them . Hope you enjoy it too ! A couple months ago , a friend I used to work with , sent me an email telling me about a show at the local high school in March . Her daughter was in the show . This particular show was not a play or a musical , but a singing , dancing Glee like extravaganza . I had heard that the local high school had performances like this and that they were quite good . So good that they had , in recent years , been on Oprah and traveled all over the world to compete . In fact , the hit show Glee , had been somewhat based on the vocal program at John Burroughs High School . They even fashioned the room on Glee after the one at JBHS . Last year the teacher I had at the Parent Education Class I took Georgia to , was the mom of the director of the vocal program there . This how I came into all this information . She really liked to brag about her son , and with good reason . It was after that I found out my friend 's daughter , was involved in the program . Being somewhat of a Gleek myself , I was up for checking out a show sometime . So when Marie sent me the information , I bought tickets for Sonya and myself . I decided to just take Sonya for a few reasons . First and foremost , Glee is something she and I watch together . Now before you freak out about what content my child is exposed to , I usually preview it , or at least know what the episode entails , so it 's nothing I can 't explain and she shouldn 't know about . She did NOT watch the episode about everyone losing or trying to lose their virginity . Obviously , we are not ready for certain conversations . However , it 's opened up other conversations for us and she asks me questions when she has them . And to be perfectly honest , most of it goes over her head . She just loves the singing and dancing . Not to mention , I was watching shows like Three 's Company when I was her age . I did not get the whole Jack pretending to be gay thing and living with two girls until I was much older . I just thought John Ritter was funny . It didn 't really seem to effect how I turned out , although maybe it IS why I was okay living wi " I can 't wait for my girls to go to high school . " Never saw that one coming ! Even though I 've always feared the teens years , I see now that there will be much to look forward to . Posted by Okay , so have I made you wait long enough to tell you about our celebrity encounter ? Well , if you 're in the know , the title of this entry clues you in to who it was . If not , then I 'll just say it . Neil Patrick . . . wait for it . . . Harris . That 's right , Doogie effing Howser ! AKA - currently the girl chasing character Barney on How I Met Your Mother , a show I watch every week . In real life he 's a super nice gay guy with a partner and adorable boy and girl twins . We 're totally best friends now and have a playdate set up for next week . Here 's what happened . Well , I guess before I tell you this story , you should know that I like to talk to celebrities . Anyone who knows me will tell you I have no problem walking up to them , introducing myself , and chatting with them . Most of the time I tell them how much I like whatever show or movie they 've done . I promise it 's not as douchy as it sounds . I am very respectful . I don 't chase after anyone and when I 've said my piece I leave . I don 't turn into some teenage Justin Bieber loving girl and squeal when I see someone . ( Although , I have not met Jon Bon Jovi . There is a small chance I would do that with him . ) There were many celebrities I met when I used to work at the movie advertising company . People like , Adam Sandler , Kevin Costner , and Mike Myers . Then there is the place the girls take gymnastics where I became acquaintance / friends with Christine Taylor of the Brady Bunch movies , married to Ben Stiller ( who I also met at one point ) . We used to chat while our girls took their class . They moved to New York last year though , so we don 't hang out anymore . Sonya used to have class with Joel Mchale 's oldest kid and we were friends with them for a while . For real though . We went to birthday parties . Last summer I walked over to Jason Bateman , who was sitting at gymnastics , and chatted with him for a bit . He recommended that I see Bridesmaids stating that it was a very funny movie . Then there are the countless times I just run into stars out and about . One of my favorite encounters was wi " Don 't turn around , but Neil Patrick Harris is here , " he said to me . " DON ' T TURN AROUND ! " He said again , not trusting me . Please ! I 've been through this before . I know how to play it cool in these celebrity situations . I just took Lana to the bathroom to see where he was . Well , she did have to go . Sure enough there he was sitting diagonally behind us with a table full of family . The twins were in high chairs and looked to me not much older than a year . That in itself , it when I felt better about the girls being there . We WEREN ' T the only ones with kids at sushi ! Neil Patrick Harris brought his even younger kids out ! He was even more awesome now . Of course , after I realized he was there , the wheels started turning in my head as to how I could go over and tell him how much I loved him . Without being douchy or disrespectful of course . Eventually , I decided there wasn 't really a good way . He was having dinner with his family and I wasn 't about to bother him . I figured this would just be a celebrity sighting this time and not an encounter . Until . . . " He 's an actor , Sonya , " Andy explained to her . Her eyes got wide , " Ooohh . . . " she said somewhat captivated . Then Andy and I spent the next five minutes trying to figure out how she knew he was , " the guy from TV " . She doesn 't watch How I Met Your Mother . I love the show but it 's not exactly kid friendly . Perhaps she 'd seen a commercial for it ? " Was he on Sesame Street ? " Andy asked . I 'm sure he had been at one point , but it has been a while since the girls have watched that show , and I doubted she would remember him from when she was three . " Wait ! Wasn 't he in the Muppets ? " Andy said referring to the latest movie . " Yes ! " I said at first , and then immediately , " No , no he wasn 't in that . . . it was another kids movie . . . THE SMURFS ! ' I suddenly realized . " Oh yeah ! " Sonya exclaimed . " I liked that movie . " Here was my opening . Yes , I was going to use my child . It was only fair . I mean I feed her , and take care of her all day . The least she could do was help me meet Mr . Harris . " Okay , " I said , letting it go again . " I guess she didn 't get that gene from me , " I told Andy . " I 'll go ! " Lana piped up . " No , it 's okay Lana , " I said . She had no idea who he was or seen the movie , so that was pointless . But it 's good to know she 's so willing to talk to strangers . Over the next ten minutes I could see Sonya glancing in Neil Patrick 's direction . She looked conflicted . Then finally she said to me , " Mommy , I want to go , but I want YOU to tell him . " Let 's see , let me think about this . . . . " Okay , let 's go ! " I said . Luckily , he was done with dinner and they were all packing up getting ready to leave the restaurant , so were weren 't interrupting the meal . I walked over to where he was loading up the diaper bag , with Sonya in tow . " Excuse me , Mr . Harris ? " I said , making sure I didn 't sound not to sound like crazy fan lady . " What ? What happened ? ! " He said in his comedic tones . " My daughter just wanted to come over here and tell you how much she liked you in The Smurfs movie , " I told him . " OH ! You saw The Smurfs ? " He said addressing Sonya . " Well , you know we 're making a new one that is going to come out next summer . Smurfette gets into all kinds of trouble . " He told her . " Oh we 'll have to go see that ! " I said , looking at Sonya . Then I told him how much I liked him in How I Met Your Mother . I asked about the twins and how old they were . He told me 16 months . Then his partner interjected apologizing about how bad they were at dinner , hoping they didn 't bother anyone . I reassured him that it was fine , and they were braver than I was for even taking babies out for sushi . Neil , ( yes we 're on a first name basis ) said they 've been eating sushi , since they started eating food and how much they loved it . Then we thanked him , he said goodbye to us , we went to our table and they left . He couldn 't have been a sweeter guy and especially to Sonya . She sat back down at dinner smiling from ear to ear . I love him even more now . When I told my sister , Beth , this story she requested that we have a run in with a celebrity when she and her family come to visit this summer . While I can 't guarantee that we will run into someone , I am the person you want to be with if you do . I will go up and talk to anyone . They 're just people , after all . I see no reason NOT to talk to them . And in all the years that I have met and chatted with a star , I have yet to meet someone who has blown me off or been a complete asshole . When it comes down to it , they got into this business not just because they loved to act , but because they wanted to be famous . Having someone recognize you and want to talk to you comes with the territory . I don 't care what any of them might say , on most levels they like it . I know I would . Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
Misc Story . Helen is spending the weekend at her friend Teresa 's house while their moms are out of town . The two girls want to go to a concert , but Teresa 's dad denies them permission to stay out so late . The girls decide to go anyway , and opt to sneak out . That should go over really well . When I was in third grade , my mom divorced my stepdad and we moved into a new neighborhood . It was weird to me , actually living in a neighborhood for once ; the ones I was used to were filled with old people , or at least teenagers that weren 't even close to my age . This neighborhood , on the other hand , was filled with kids of all ages . That is , except ones that were my age . They were either two years older or two years younger , and the fifth graders really didn 't care to know me that much . It didn 't bother me , though , because they were all boys anyway , and who can have sleepovers at a boy 's house ? I basically hung out with a first grade girl that lived a few houses down until she moved out at the beginning of the summer after third grade . It was sad for me , but since I didn 't know her THAT well , I didn 't take it too hard . There were plenty of other kids that lived near that I could hang out with . In a matter of days , a new family moved into the house . A family with a mom and a dad and six kids . I figured that at least one of the kids could be close to my age and I set off to find out for myself . That evening , I found a new best friend : a girl two years younger than I named Teresa . From that point on , I had a new family with things I never had , like brothers and sisters and also a father , and one extra mom . Anyway , that 's just a little background for you . That 's really not what the story is about at all . I mean , sure , I could go into detail about every little fight we had , all of the fun sleepovers and stuff , but really , none of that stuff sticks out in my mind . There 's only one situation that I can remember every , and I mean EVERY , detail of . It was the night of a big concert downtown , the day after my sixteenth birthday and my first day with a license . My mom and Teresa 's mom were out of town together to have a " girl 's weekend out " and I was left in the hands of 6 squalling kids and Teresa 's father . Teresa growled under her breath and stormed off to her room , slamming the door . I looked at her dad and kind of shrugged then trudged away . It was a funny situation , how they lived . Teresa had her own room as long as I could remember , but I don 't guess it really bothered the other kids that much . It was a four bedroom house , and the boys were all piled in the same room , and the twin girls had their own room , and Teresa , a room to herself . " Yeah , " she answered and I went on inside then plopped on her bed . " Helen , we have to go to that concert . . . I just HAVE to see that band . " I nodded , not really wanting to give my two cents , but she looked so desperate on finding a way to go . . . I don 't even think the idea of sneaking out even crossed her mind . So I watched her sitting there , racking her brain for some idea , pitying her for being so goody - goody that she couldn 't think of the BEST way to get out of the house . Finally I said it : " Let 's just sneak out , Teresa . . . It won 't be that hard . We 'll leave at 11 , I 'll keep my car at my house , we can walk down there , and drive off , get back in after the show , and nobody 'll ever know . " She averted her eyes to the floor and thought , then looked back at me . " No , I guess not . But I don 't think it 's a good idea . . . if we got caught Dad would kill us . . " I shrugged . " Let 's go on to the mall now , " I said . " We 'll get back by ten and then we can say we 're calling it a night and then we can leave and go to the concert . " We went to the mall , I driving , of course , since she was only 14 , her father giving us tons of warnings before I left . Her dad was a pretty nice guy , a father figure that I never had . He was in his 30s and a military guy , towering a good 6 ' 4 over the two of us , so those warnings showed that he meant business . Definitely no drinking , smoking , doing drugs , having sex , stealing , or starring in kiddie porn sites . The mall was really uneventful , to say the least . We just walked around and drank strawberry - banana smoothies and ate pretzels , gawking over cool outfits at different stores . Teresa found the perfect outfit to wear to the concert , a skimpy black tanktop that showed more skin than it covered up and some adorable tight jeans . We also went to the temporary tattoo place and she had a fairy painted onto her stomach that was way too expensive for me to even consider getting . But hey , if she had the money , that was her thing . I preferred buying more useful stuff , that was permant , like cds . We headed back home around nine because that 's what time the mall was closing and we really didn 't have anywhere else to go except for the concert , and it didn 't start until eleven . When we got there , Teresa 's dad and her older brother were watching something on tv , it looked like That 70s Show , my personal favorite because of my infatuation with Ashton Kutcher , but we didn 't stick around long enough to watch it . Teresa was already headed towards her room , exclaiming that she didn 't feel too well and wanted to head onto bed . I figured that she couldn 't get more obvious that we were going to sneak out than that . I shrugged and followed her , saying that she probably just ate too much at the mall but the guys didn 't seem to really care that much . I shrugged and changed into my pajamas , desperately hoping that everyone was sound asleep in a couple of hours . I 'd hate for us to open the window to sneak out , only to find Teresa 's dad swinging the door open to tell us goodnight . That would suck , not to mention ruin our plans . Around 10 : 30 , her dad came in and told us goodnight , not to stay up too late , and apologized to Teresa for upsetting her earlier . She kind of accepted his apology , shrugging then rolling over to pretend like she was going to sleep . I just smiled and told him goodnight . " Are you ready ? " Teresa 's shaky voice whispered in the darkness . I don 't know why she chose that time to whisper , we had been talking at a normal tone for the past thirty minutes . " Yeah , I guess , " I answered , not seeing what the big deal was . She was so jumpy that it was getting kind of annoying . " You begin opening the window , QUIETLY , and I 'll check to make sure no one happens to be standing in the den waiting to catch us leave . " I rolled my eyes although she couldn 't see . " Fine , " I whispered back . I rolled off the bed and cracked the door , peering outside in the den and hallway , seeing almost absolutely nothing , but noticing that all of the doors were shut from the small glimpse of light there was . I shut the door back as she fiddled with the window . I moved towards the lamp and flipped it on . She scowled at me and finally got the window open . I searched around in my bag for my baggiest pair of jeans and a tiny T - shirt . I went ahead and dressed myself then brushed my hair and chewed on a piece of ice breakers gum , to take away my bad breath . I slipped my shoes on and waited for Teresa , who was moving as slowly and quietly as a snail . Bad simile , I know . She glared at me but hurried up anyway . I flipped the lamp back off and she hopped through the window with ease . I followed shortly behind , baffled for a minute about what to do with the window , and just decided to leave it open . There was such a distance between her room and the ground that we might not be able to open it when we got back home . Teresa did have her key , though , and if it came down to it , she could use it to sneak back in through the front door . When we got on the freeway , I blared our favorite band and both of us sang along , her filled with adrenaline from doing something so " daring " and I just having fun . I wasn 't exactly what you would call a BAD child , but I wasn 't worried about anything . If we did get caught , the worst that could happen would be getting grounded , and that didn 't really bother me that much . It wasn 't like I went out that often anyway . Besides , I knew we wouldn 't . . . what are the chances that her dad would just * happen * to go in her room and see us missing ? Slim to none . The concert was great . We jammed to the coolest local bands and flirted with hott guys all night . I could tell that Teresa was nervous as hell , and a couple of times she asked if we could go back home cause she had a bad feeling , but I told her to relax , nothing was going to happen . Naturally , she took a deep breath in and flirted with more guys . Around two in the morning , all of the bands had played and everyone stood around talking with the bands and their friends . I saw how nervous Teresa was and decided to cut my conversation with the hott bassist short . I wanted to talk to him about everything , from song writing to college to his girlfriend , hopefully lack there of . But I just talked about how awesome his band was then insisted that I leave because I had to be home by three . He grinned at me and said he hoped to see me at the next concert . I made a note to myself that he was either single or greedy then hurried Teresa out of the door . " Right . . " I said sarcastically . " I don 't see what you 're all worried about . . . we 're not going to get caught , unless your dad randomly checks the rooms every night at 1 AM . " I looked up and noticed the porch light . WAS it on when we left ? " I 'm sure it was . . . " I murmured , knowing that she didn 't believe me because even I doubted myself . We snuck around the side of the house towards her window . I wasn 't really that worried about it . . . I figured that maybe he just forgot to turn the light off after we got in . That is , I wasn 't really worried until I heard her mutter , " oh shit . " I looked up to see the window shut . She looked at me with puppy eyes . " Relax , " I whispered , feeling the full effect of her nervousness now . " I 'm sure it fell or something . Window 's fall down all the time . You have the key , don 't you ? " " No , that 's even more risky . We could fall and break a few bones or something . " She shuddered . " Look , let 's just go in through the front door . " We were both basically thinking the same thing . . . we 're fucked . We held hands on the way back to the porch , trying to comfort each other . She was definitely more scared than I was , but her nerves were making me nearly as jumpy . The cat jumping through the bushes almost gave ME a heartattack , although it didn 't phase Teresa that much at all . We climbed up the steps slowly , taking one at a time , then looking at each other and taking another . Unfortuantly , there were only four steps , so although it seemed like we were creeping towards the top , we were there in a matter of seconds . I let in a deep breath and so did she , then she inserted the key in the lock and turned . We heard the door unlock and took one final deep breath before we shoved the door open . We tiptoed across the living room , still holding each other , probably more this time because I didn 't want to run into anything and get us caught . We had made it this far , it would REALLY suck to get caught now . We went through the living room , then through the hallway , past her brothers ' door , and took a step down entering the den , where what we saw made my heart stop . It was the computer , turned on , and a man sitting in front of it that I recognized as Teresa 's father . " It 's about time you girls got home , " he said , not even whispering , although he was using an extremely calm voice . That isn 't always a good thing , though . " Go to your room , " he added , rising from his seat at the desk . The den was a big square room , and when coming in from the hallway , like we were , Teresa 's room was on the left , and straight ahead was her parents ' room and her sisters ' room , and to the right of their rooms was a tv and then if you moved over a little bit , the computer desk sat . It was at a position where you couldn 't see it until you entered the den . Anyway , so Teresa and I , by this time we were panic - stricken , turned left and nearly plowed into the closed door . Her dad was not far behind us , and the thought of him following us made me a little uneasy . I really wasn 't up for being yelled at tonight , and him waking everybody up , because being a military guy and all , I was sure that he could yell pretty loudly . He didn 't buy it . " Yeah , it was a late showing at midnight and we really wanted to go . " Hey , it was a dumb excuse but I was desperate for something and I knew that being downtown at a concert definitely wouldn 't fly with her dad . " Helen , you lying to me is NOT helping the situation any , " he said angrily , looking back towards Teresa 's downcast eyes . " Teresa ! Where did you go , and I expect the truth young lady ! " There was a moment of silence and all I could hear was her dad 's loud breathing and Teresa 's fidgeting . " Do you realize how worried I was ? I see both of you gone and I don 't know if you snuck out or what . And what the hell are you wearing Teresa ? " I rolled my eyes . " Give it a rest already . It was my idea to go to the concert in the first place . . . you shouldn 't blame Teresa . " He shot me a look that made me instantly close my mouth . " You know , Helen , I honestly don 't care that it was your idea . What I 'm worried about is that you drove after state curfew , went to some concert downtown and Lord knows how much traffic there is down there , and the two of you are only 14 and 16 years old . Do you realize that you could have gotten raped or killed ? You could have gotten in a wreck , or even arrested for being out past curfew . And what bothers me the most , Helen , is that you are the leader to my kids , they look up to you and adore you and want to follow in your footsteps , and what you did tonight showed me how irresponsible and immature you really are . " I tried to keep my glaring at him down to a minimum . But who the hell was he to call me irresponsible and immature ? He sure as hell wasn 't my father . . . although he was close enough . . . " Teresa can make her own decisions and can think on her own , and even if it was your idea to go tonight , she could have easily turned you down . " He looked back at Teresa whose eyes were still fixed on the ground . " And Teresa , I 'm upset at you for sneaking out of the house AND for wearing that type of clothing . And that tattoo I see on your stomach must be one of those temporary ones that they give at the mall that we 've told you plenty of times you can 't have . " She didn 't argue . I wanted to argue for her and tell him that it was her own money and she could spend it as she pleased . But if she didn 't want to stick up for herself , I couldn 't change that . My mouth dropped to the floor and he left the room . I sat there . . . I don 't even know the words to describe how I felt . I was nervous , scared , shocked , angry . It was like my stomach was twisted into knots and I wanted to shout that he couldn 't do that to me , but I knew he could and I was scared because I had never been spanked before . Well maybe once or twice as a kid , but that didn 't count . I was too young to even remember that . . . And pants down ? What was the deal with that ? It must mean that this was pretty serious . . . I mean . . . gee , I 'd known that spankings were given in this household , I 'd even seen one once . . . I remembered that day so vividly . . . How Teresa showed disrespect towards her mother , popping off to her and throwing her dinner plate onto the floor for some unknown reason . I remembered how her mother spoke the words " wait til your father gets home " and all the kids gasped , even me , although I didn 't know what it meant . I was only ten at the time , and I hadn 't known them for that long . . . But before I knew it , Teresa 's father entered the silent house . He came in , but nobody spoke , as we all knew the wrath of my best friend . . . or THEY knew the wrath , I just assumed that I knew what it was . And then everything after that . . . her mom describing the yelling and the plate crashing onto the floor . . . I saw Teresa with a tear trickling down her cheek staring at her feet . And her father said " is that true , Teresa ? " and Teresa nodded , ashamed of herself for once . And then he announced the punishment . . . " A pants down spanking after dinner " and another audible gasp arose from the table . A pants down spanking was the worst of punishments . . . worse than hanging one of the kids upside down by their toes . Teresa had finished eating her dinner slowly , and I , too , ate slowly . For Teresa was the only person I wanted to hang around with at the house , and I didn 't want to leave the room until after her spanking was over so we could go into her room and play with her doll house or something . She fi " Helen ? " Teresa said softly , and I snapped back into reality . Everything in my head was happening so vividly I had forgotten that I was about to receive MY spanking . . . I shrugged a little , trying to keep my hands from shaking so much . I looked at her . Her brown hair was fallen into her eyes , and there was three traces where tears had fallen just moments before . I didn 't want to tell her how scared I was . . . I don 't think I really had to tell her . . . she felt it . She hugged me tightly then moved towards the door , turning the handle . We both held our breath , just like in scary movies when they 're about to open a big door and discover something important , or really scary . . . The door slowly opened and her dad turned around then walked inside , shutting the door back . I felt the same thing I had felt before . . . that same throbbing feeling of confusion and something else , I just couldn 't quite put my finger on it . My heart was racing and I was having trouble breathing , something like an anxiety attack . It was moving in slow motion . I closed my eyes and opened them back again , so maybe it would help me see straighter . I was so dizzy . I stood over towards the side of the room and her dad sat on the bed . I told myself to breathe . " Come here , " he told me , pointing for me to stand next to my friend . " I need to talk with both of you before I begin . " I nodded and weakly stepped towards her father , twiddling my thumbs . " Teresa , Helen . . . Look , I love you both . . . Teresa you 're my daughter , and Helen , you 're so close to being one you might as well be . . . I care about each of you so much that I couldn 't bear it if something happened to either of you . This sneaking out thing . . . it 's not a very smart idea at all . You could have had an accident or worse . Two teenagers downtown in the middle of the night is trouble waiting to happen . Older guys look at kids your age because they know you 're vulnerable . I know you two think you could take care of yourselves , but if it was a big gang of guys . . . I know you were mad at me for telling you no about staying out so late . But I only do it to protect you . And Helen . . . I don 't appreciate you lying to me at all . I want you both to know that the kids in this house look up to both of you as a positive influence , and if they saw that you guys snuck out of the house and got away with it , they would all think they could do the same , and somebody would end up getting hurt , more so than I 'm doing right now , okay ? " I nodded . " Teresa , you know we don 't want you wearing that type of clothing . That basically invites guys to rape you . The tattoo thing . . well , it doesn 't really bother me , it 's just that we already told you that you couldn 't have one , and you went and did it anyway . I know you 're 14 and you feel grown up , but you 're not yet , and you 're still under my house and my rules . When I tell you not to do something , you will NOT do it , do you understand me ? " I felt her nod next to me . " Helen , I expect you to respect me more so that you have done tonight . " I , like Teresa , hung my head , staring at the carpet in shame . My heart began to pound again with the stillness that engulfed us . Finally he spoke again . " Okay , Teresa . You 're first . " I took a couple of steps over and looked up as Teresa wiped her eyes . I knew if she was that scared , I may as well have fallen over with a heartattack by now . . . but unfortuantly , I hadn 't . Teresa looked into her father 's eyes . She slipped her fingers between the waistband of her pj pants and after looking at her father for a couple of seconds , pleading with him to change his mind , she tugged them down to her knees . All I could feel was my heart thumping and I kept telling myself to breathe , because I was finding it rather difficult to do so without telling myself . He gently pulled the limp body over his lap , positioning her to where her hands touched the floor and her bottom was raised high in the air . Without hesitating , he tugged her panties down to meet her pj pants . I took another breath in and another one out , closed my eyes and opened them , still trying to help myself see straight , then I watched , the only thing else I could do . He raised his hand up high and landed the first smack on her upturned bottom , causing her to squeel a little bit . My heart began beating faster and faster . I thought about the last spanking I had witnessed as he raised his hand and crashed his hand down on her bottom again . The first spanking . . . short and simple . . . A young girl in the livingroom with her father sitting on the couch expressing his anger and disappointment to her , telling her how she better never use that tone of voice with her mother again , never throw anything in this household . She had stood twitching nervously , wishing that it wouldn 't happen . He had ordered her to pull down her pants and she did so , me watching from a distance . . . It was over quickly , just two sharp smacks on her rear end and an admonishing voice telling her to never do something like that again . . . But this . . . it was far , FAR worse than the other punishment . He was already working up a rhythm and Teresa was kicking furiously , her bottom a light pink color . I was hoping that he 'd stop soon , because my heart was pounding so loudly that I wished I could get my punishment over with so it 'd stop . . . pounding loudly I mean . But he didn 't stop , or even let up on his smacks . He just hit her bottom in rhythm as she tried to stay brave , but it was so hard for her , I could tell . Her eyes were already beginning to tear up and her cries of " ouch " were getting louder and louder . Her kicking increased with the speed of his arm spanking her . Her bottom turned a darker pink and she was full out crying by now , kicking and pleading for her dad to stop . I wanted to cry , because I knew in a matter of seconds it would be me over her father 's knee , getting the daylights spanked out of me . And who knows , it might be worse because I 'm older , or because I talked back to him , drove her to the concert . . . I remembered after the spanking how I found my friend in the den laughing . It was a nervous laughter , I knew . . . but she wouldn 't play it as that . She didn 't deny it hurting the least bit . . . Of course , I didn 't ASK her if it 'd hurt , I just assumed it did . She said she had a pink handprint on her rear end from those smacks . This was more than a pink handprint . . . this was a fully red bottom by now . The room was filled with muffled sobs and loud smacking noises and I feared for my bottom more than ever at this point . If it could cause my friend , whom had been spanked before , to cry like this , what would it do to me ? ? I 'd probably pass out from exhaustion of kicking and crying so much . Finally the sounds of hand - meeting - bottom stopped and the only noise that filled the room was Teresa 's loud sobbing . I imagined that her dad probably made me watch so I 'd be scared shitless when it was my time . Whether that was his plan or not , it worked . He hoisted her from his lap and held his weeping daughter in his arms . " Shhh , shhh , honey . . . It 's okay . " He rocked her back and forth for a minute , causing my anticipation to rise higher and higher . I tried not to be so nervous , but it 's so hard when you know what 's awaiting for you . He finally lifted Teresa up and she wiped her eyes with one hand and rubbed her bottom with the other then hobbled over to where I was , still crying . " Your turn , Helen . . " he said , looking into my eyes and causing my heart to skip about seven beats . I picked up one foot and put it in front of the other , not really going very far . . . I did that one final time and I was standing to the side of him . I fidgeted nervously with my hands as I stood there . " Pants down , " he ordered . I complied , still fidgetting and heart racing more than ever . Was I really about to get spanked ? I saw Teresa crying in the corner . . . I didn 't want to do this . . . I was so scared . I stood there , pants to my knees , looking at him . He didn 't waste time and helped me over his lap . I imagined what I looked like in this position , probably as ridiculous as I felt . The next thing I felt was hands tugging my panties down and a hand resting on my bottom . I let out a small whine . He hand was so warm , in contrast to how my bottom felt . . . It was foreshadowing how my entire bottom would feel in a matter of seconds . . . It was just resting there , lightly , giving me the chills with every millisecond I waited that felt like hours . " Helen , like I told Teresa , I am very disappointed in you tonight . I want to make sure that you never think about doing anything like that again . " His hand lifted from my tiny bottom where it rested and I clenched my eyes close together . I knew what was coming . . . I had seen this just minutes before , only it wasn 't me in this position , it was my best friend . I braced myself for what was to come , but all the thought that were running through my mind of how much it would hurt . . . NOTHING could compare to the sting when his hand collided with my bottom . " OWWWWWW ! " I cried out , not expecting it to hurt NEARLY that much . I have to be brave , I told myself . I was 16 and I needed to take my punishment like a 16 year old , not a baby . He gave me a second to regain my composure . I was thankful for that , except it made my bottom tingle and sting like crazy and my heart still thumped loudly and I was breathing really heavily . He raised his hand again and it came crashing back down , a little lower than the first smack . I cried out again , trying to wiggle away from him , but he just tightened his grip and landed four smacks one after another . I clenched my fists and attempted to move and keep him from hitting the same spots , but it didn 't work . All was futile . He landed more smacks , hitting my bottom in rhythm as he had done for Teresa . The pain was almost unbearable . I winced after each spank , by this time , not crying out as loudly , mostly to keep my dignity . After all , I WAS 16 . . . The spanks kept comming rapidly . He would stay in one spot for a few smacks , then move a little and concentrate in that area . After a while of doing that , he concentrated on ONLY the sitspots and when he began that I was bobbing up and down and crying out loudly again , basically telling myself " screw dignity ! " He began spanking me faster , not allowing me time to breath between each one like he had been doing before . I started kicking frantically , legs and arms flailing , hoping that it would help some of the sting go away . It didn 't . I finally gave up on trying to remain quiet or keep my dignity , and began bawling like a baby over his knee . It hurt so much . He wasn 't showing any mercy whatsoever . I was crying so loudly and begging him to stop , apologizing every breath I could take , but he just kept on spanking me . I finally lay limply over his lap and sobbed away , exhausted from the spanking , and he knew that I was broken , because he picked my limp body up and held me in his arms , rocking me back and forth , letting me cry into his chest . I stayed like that for what seemed like a long time , allowing myself to cry and be held . I wasn 't held often , and it was a nice feeling , actually seeing someone care about me for once . And I understood exactly WHY he did what he did . . not to be mean , but because he really did care about me . That 's what good fathers did . . . they cared , unlike my dad who spent more money on alcohol than he would ever THINK about spending on me . " I love you girls , " he said . He hugged us both then tucked us into bed , both of us on our stomach and all . He turned out the light and left the room , I still sobbing , although by this time , Teresa had regained her composure . I let out a tiny giggle . " Kind of ? ? " I knew she was grinning . " Hey , I 'm sorry for talking you into sneaking out . . . I realize now why you didn 't want to do it . " I fell into a dreamless sleep that night , shortly after lying there , rubbing my bum for a few minutes . I wondered if all the other kids were up , listening in at the doorway while it happened . Siblings had a tendency to do that . . . listen to others get into trouble , sometimes they even made fun of them . If they heard , I never found out , because nobody ever said anything about it . I had a hard time sitting at breakfast that morning , but nobody questioned why . I wondered if Teresa was in as much pain as me . . . Part of the Terrence / Bri series . Bri starts selling weed and has this highly intelligent idea to sell it to someone at school ( er , maybe I should note that I 'm being sarcastic and it 's really not a highly intelligent idea to do that ) . When she gets caught , the consequences are beyond that of just a spanking . This story feels like it was like the turning point in this series . . . it 's what set up the next phase of Brianna stories . It 's also a lot better written than the earlier Bri stories ( in my opinion ) . I can 't exactly explain how I got into selling pot . I guess it all started with Stephanie 's older brother , Jeremy . She and I started hanging out with him more often as we were only sophomores and he was a super cool senior . When he went to others ' houses and came back with tons of money , it didn 't really phase me that much , because I didn 't really see anything wrong with it . It wasn 't until one day at school that I made a deal with someone . I shrugged and talked to Jeremy that evening . After being laughed at for a few minutes , he finally agreed . A few days later , Angela came again to me to get " the hook up " again . I went to Jeremy again and that 's when he suggested that I become a dealer like he was . It was easy money apparently , something that I didn 't make at my job at the pizza place . I decided to take him up on his offer . He gave me the number of his supplier and I talked with each of them and finally got myself set to where I was making as much money as Jeremy himself . Of course , I was stupid . Not ignorant . I knew what I was doing was clearly illegal and bringing it to school was grounds for expulsion , but I didn 't think of it at the time . I guess I had other things on my mind . Or , I was stupid , like I said . It came as a surprise to me one day when another friend of mine , Mark , came up to me and told me that his cousin asked about me . Apparently , Mark had told him that he bought some and his cousin asked from whom he bought it , and he let my name kind of slip . But his cousin was a good guy and would probably just come to me to buy some . I hoped that was the case . " Huh ? " I said , then remembered the phrase for the kids I didn 't know . " Oh ! " I said . " Yeah , but they 're at home . How many do you want ? " " Just one , " he said , smirking a bit . I could tell that he was a freshman , and I really hated selling to anyone younger than me ' cause I knew all the effects that marijuana had on your body , I took health and I did really well in it . But , money was money and I knew I had to sell the last of the bags I had in order to make a decent profit . I glared at him a bit . " Yeah , it 'll be fine . Besides , it 's at 7 : 30 and I won 't have it on me during school , just a few minutes before . " Steph shrugged and Jeremy just grinned and ruffled my hair . " Do be careful , though , " he said . " You still have that gun I gave ya ? " The next morning I was at the school a few minutes before 7 : 30 , nervous anticipation filling my body . I had tons of " what if " questions running through my mind . " What if a teacher sees ? What if he really is just trying to get me in trouble ? " My body shook as I headed towards the flagpole , and finally I made it there , trying not to look too suspicious . In a matter of minutes the young boy met up with me , grinning from under his mop top haircut . I led him away from the plain view of the flagpole towards the back of the school , where the T - buildings stood in a huddle . I scowled . " You punk - headed freshman , " I murmured , digging into my pocket . " You better show me some money before I take this shit out . " He rolled his eyes at me and dug in his back pocket , exposing a brown leather wallet . He opened it and I saw the gleam of two ten dollar bills and about three twenties . This kid must 've been rich ! " I wanna see some weed before I hand it over , " he whispered , finally taking the hint , because he knew he 'd be in as much trouble as me . The next events happened in slow motion . I grabbed the tip of the small bag between my thumb and forefinger and tugged at it while he watched me . The leaves rustled in the distance , it was towards the end of winter and they were all beginning to grow back . The zip - lock part of the bag peeked out of my pocket and finally , the entire thing was exposed . The next thing I knew , I was surrounded by about ten officers and everything was in normal speed again . I felt the gun being pointed at me and I saw the freshman smirk . That was when I realized that this was one big setup . I dropped the bag onto the ground and raised my hands high above my head , wanting to cry for being so utterly stupid as to bring marijuana to school . " Brianna Carter , " one officer said , stepping towards me , " you are under arrest for possession of controlled substances . You have the right to remain silent . . . " He made his speech while the world spun around me , causing me to become dizzier and dizzier as my heart thumped louder and louder . I became lightheaded , only aware of my heart pounding loudly , wondering if everyone else could hear it , too . " Brianna , move towards the wall , " he said , sounding agitated as if he had already told me once . " I 'm sorry . . . " I whispered , a tear rolling down my cheek . He put a hand on my back and moved me towards the cold brick wall , placing my hands against it above my head . I plopped my forehead against it and cried , while I felt a woman officer searching my clothing to see if I had anything else . When she finished , my hands were handcuffed behind my back and I had nothing in my pocket , no keys , no wallet , no cell phone . They searched my backpack , finding nothing but history notes and some pens and a book I had been reading . Finally , I was escorted to the office by two officers , while the others went to search through my locker and my car . My face was tear - streaked and eyes glossy from so much crying , being so afraid of what was going to happen , so afraid of what my brother would think . He would skin me alive then disown me forever , and then I 'd have to spend the rest of my life in jail for doing something so stupid . " So Brianna , we meet again , " the assistant principal said , looking at me disappointedly . He nodded to the two officers on either side of me and I felt the handcuffs loosen and finally fall off . " Come with me , " he said , putting a hand on my back and walking me to the office while I let more tears flow out of my eyes , feeling so horrible , wishing that I would wake up from my dream in my own bed , panting and sweating at this horrible nightmare . But this pain was real , and the hand leading me towards Mr . Vaughn 's office was real . " Have a seat , " he said sternly when we arrived . I did as I was told , sitting myself down in a chair across from his massive desk , my right leg thumping with nervousness . I heard the door shut behind me and jumped . The thought of that sent another pang to my stomach and I buried my head in my hands to keep myself from crying more . My head already ached and I knew I looked horrible . Crying would just make it worse than it already was . I hated all this pressure on top of me . I didn 't have anything to tell , just that I was stupid for ever selling pot in the first place , much less ever bringing it to school . " I 'm sorry , " I muttered . " I shouldn 't have ever done it . . . " I was having trouble speaking because my nose was stuffy and my head ached and I was still crying a little . " I 'm sorry . . . " I heard him open his mouth to say something but we were disturbed instead by a knock on the door . The knock made me more hysterical than ever . My hands could no longer contain my crying and tears were spilling out from the spaces in between my fingers . I heard the door open , crying harder and louder and then heard an almost inaudible voice . " Mr . Vaughn , someone is here to see you . A Mr . Carter . " Everything seemed so surreal . Sure , I 'd been in trouble plenty of times , sent to the office , stolen a couple of things before , even snuck out of the house . But nothing compared to this . Not only did I do something that was against the school rules or my brother 's rules , but it was also completely illegal , and from the looks of things , everything was being searched and there was no telling what they would find . This wasn 't even grounds for suspension , but grounds for expulsion . " Hello , Mr . Carter , good to see you . " I heard Mr . Vaughn rise from his chair and shake my brother 's hand . " Go ahead and close the door . " I wondered if Terrence even knew why he was here , but I knew that he could tell it wasn 't that good , especially since I was throwing a fit like I was . I heard the door close . Then , Terrence sat himself next to me . " I guess you 'll have to hear the story the way I heard it . I haven 't gotten much out of Brianna yet , she 's really upset . " There was a pause and Mr . Vaughn sighed . " Seems that Brianna was caught trying to sell marijuana to a ninth grader earlier this morning . A boy came up to the security guard yesterday and told him that Brianna was a drug dealer and had agreed to sell something to him . The officer did not want to incriminate her without any evidence , so he arranged for three other officers to meet with him this morning to investigate . " Funny , it seemed like there were way more than 4 people dressed in police suits . . . " This morning they followed Brianna and the boy towards the back of the school where she proceeded to take out a bag of marijuana to sell to him . Before the sale was made the officers moved in and confiscated it . " There was silence in the room . So this stupid freshman had set me up . He and the officer both ! Thanks to both of them , I was going to spend the rest of my life in prison ! My crying had ceased a little so I could hear the story . Terrence spoke up . " Brianna , look at me , " he said sternly . I couldn 't bear to look in his eyes , to see how angry he was at me . I knew , though , that it 'd be worse off on me for resisting than doing as I was told . I wiped my eyes with my hands then wiped the tears on my jeans and looked up to see both of them staring at me . I looked at Terrence . " Did this happen ? " That was a dumb question . He just wanted me to admit what I did . " Yes , " I murmured , almost set into crying again . I pep talked myself not to cry because that would just make it worse . I blinked again . This can 't be happening . I mean , I knew that it was grounds for expulsion , but I figured that somehow I could get out of it . . . He held up a ziplock bag with the contents of a single handgun . I felt everyone 's gasp and immediately went back to burying my face in my hands . I felt Terrence 's eyes on me . " This was the only thing we found , " the officer continued . " Her locker was clean and no traces of marijuana were found in her car . " There was a bit of muttering going on around me , but I tried my hardest to concentrate on other things , like my happy place , where there were unicorns and rainbows and dogs and it was always sunny and there was no such thing as committing crimes . I finally heard the men leave and Mr . Vaughn cleared his throat . " Brianna , you are a good student , and I 'm sure wherever you go , you will succeed . " I had to look up at him because I felt really rude not doing so while he spoke . " I hope that you are able to put this incident behind you and it won 't follow you forever . " I nodded . " Your brother cares about you a lot , and so do I , and what you did today hurt him a lot , and I think you owe him more of an apology than me . " I nodded again and looked at my angry brother who sat next to me , on the edge of his seat , probably just waiting to get me home so he could deal with me . " I honestly believe that you know what you did was wrong , and I 'm sure your brother realizes it , too . You 're a great kid , and I didn 't expect to see you slip into the wrong crowd like you did , because I know with your brains , you would have never thought of selling drugs . " I looked at him for a moment . " If you tell us who your accomplices were , then you will probably get off easier . . . " I jumped up there . This whole spill about me being a good student was to get me to get other people in trouble . Bullshit ! " No ! " I yelled . " No , I 'm not telling you shit . It was my fault and nobody helped me and even if they did I wouldn 't tell you ! " I angrily stomped towards the door , but Terrence caught me by the arm . I took a deep breath in and looked at Mr . Vaughn . He nodded slowly . " Well , I understand I guess . Seems like since you 're in so much trouble you would at least want to get those others who are doing this in trouble , too . " I said nothing , just glared angrily at him . " Well , I 'm sorry that I have to expel you , Brianna . But , it 's been a great two years and I wish you the best . " I nodded , still angry at him , but suppressing it more and more with each word he spoke . He stood up and extended his hand towards me and I shook it then Terrence did and he opened the door for us . It seemed like forever , sitting in Terrence 's car as he talked with the policemen and filled out paperwork . I felt like an exhibit at the zoo , where people constantly stare at you and talk about you as if you weren 't really there . I guess you don 't know that feeling until you 're really there . I understood now why the turtles always hid in their shells . I wish I had a shell to hide in right now . I 'd feel more comfortable . The ride home was silent , probably because I was too scared to speak because I knew I 'd begin crying again . You know that knot that gets stuck in your throat and if you speak tears will come out instead of words ? That 's what it was like with me . And I guess that Terrence was too angry to talk to me . I didn 't waste any time getting out . My heart was pounding like crazy and I knew what was coming up and I was afraid for my own bottom . Terrence met me in front of the car and grabbed my upper arm . " I can 't believe you sold pot , and on school grounds ! " He dragged me towards the house , then did the unexpected . Only once had Terrence spanked me outside of the comfort of my house , and that was when he smacked my bottom at school when I had gotten in trouble for cheating . But right now , he spanked my bottom with each step we took . " You SMACK ! will SMACK ! NEVER SMACK ! do SMACK ! anything SMACK ! like SMACK ! this SMACK ! again ! SMACK ! Do SMACK ! you SMACK ! understand SMACK ! me ? SMACK ! " " Owww , owww , owwww . . . Yes , I understand ! " I muttered , trying to step away from him , but he kept a firm grip on my upper arm . " I know you are , but that doesn 't change the fact that you did what you did . And how long ? One week ? One month ? One year ? ? ? " " You didn 't realize it was illegal ? That 's the biggest load of bull I 've ever heard , Young Lady . You knew good and well that marijuana was illegal . " He glared at me . All I could do was think about what I should have done differently , who I should have listened to . I wished that I would have listened to Stephanie and not sold anything to someone younger than me . I wished I would have listened to the drug ed teachers and not have even gotten involved with drugs . I wished that I would have listened to my conscience that told me what I was doing was wrong . I felt so stupid . . . so completely and utterly stupid . I still felt like I was in a dream and I hoped I would wake up . . . but , I couldn 't . All I could do was stand here as Terrence stared at me with flaming eyes of disappointment , causing my stomach to churn . He let go of my chin . " Well , let 's sum up the events of the day . You tried to sell pot to someone , got caught , they found a gun in your car , you yelled and cussed at the assistant principal , got expelled , and arrested . What a day . " " You got EXPELLED , Brianna . Do you realize what that means ? " That was a rhetorical question . " It means that you can 't go back to school for at least a year , maybe longer , unless you go to a private school or the alternative school . What do you think about that ? " Another rhetorical question . " AND , not only did you get expelled , you also got arrested . THAT means that you have to go to court and I have to pay some huge fine and you might even get jail time . " More tears kept falling from my eyes . " What exactly did you do with all of the money that you got from dealing ? " " Well , good . . . at least we 'll have some money to pay off the fine we 're going to get . And why didn 't you tell Mr . Vaughn who helped you out with selling that stuff ? I know you didn 't grow it in the backyard and someone must 've given it to you . Doesn 't it upset you that there 's thousands of people out there doing this and you know some of them and YOU ' RE the one getting in trouble ? " " What you did today , Brianna , showed me how irresponsible and immature you can be . I 'm just so upset at you . . . I can 't even think straight . I guess it never occurred to you what would happen if you did get caught , but I guess now you 're going to find out . " He sat down on the couch and grabbed my wrist , pulling me over his lap . " You 're old enough to know better than this . I realize that you 're sorry , " he said , just as I was about to remind him , " but I can 't let this go unpunished . " I wanted to plead with him and beg that I was being punished enough by getting expelled and arrested , but the only thing that came out was a nod . I felt my skirt being lifted and he rested it on my back . I held the couch cushions tightly as he pulled my panties down to my knees . I felt the familiar cool breeze on my bare bottom and prepared for what was to come . I knew this would be a really long trip over Terrence 's knee . . . probably the longest I had ever gotten . . . He began quickly , spanking in rhythm , one cheek after the other , causing me to wince and jump with each smack . They weren 't unusually hard , or fast even , but just normal spanks , slapping down on my bottom , not concentrating on any certain spots . This was definitely the warm - up , seeing as all it was doing was causing me to wince and exclaim " ow " every time he smacked . He did that a good twenty - five times , then began spanking harder and faster , causing whines to erupt from my mouth and my legs to kick a little . He started concentrating more on the sit spots , spanking me five times hard on each of them , then moving up to my cheeks , and finally back down to my sit spots to make sure that when I sat for the next few days I would remember the consequences of my actions . He spanked like this for about two minutes or so , then began the , what I call , " unusually hard spanks . " What I mean is that , in a matter of seconds , I was bobbing and bouncing all over the place , flailing my legs and screaming . He was definitely showing off the fact that he could bench press 200 pounds . I tried to keep a tight grip on the couch cushion and tried to keep myself from kicking so furiously . Well , I kept my grip , my knuckles were white from holding on so tightly , but I couldn 't help but kick because it hurt so much . . . Terrence stopped for a moment . " Brianna , if you don 't stop kicking so much , I 'm going to have to position you where your legs are under my knee . . . " He had never positioned me like that before , and the thought made me blush like crazy because I felt so young . " It 's supposed to hurt , " he replied . " You sold pot and got yourself expelled from school . . . You ARE thinking about that while I 'm spanking you , right ? " He began the rapid " unusually hard spanks " once again and I screamed for dear life , holding tighter onto the cushion and moving uncontrollably . I was shaking so much because it hurt so badly and I was sorry for ever doing what I had done , but I couldn 't tell him because I was crying so hard . I tried to stop kicking so much , but with all of his effort pounding down onto my bare bottom , it was harder than it seemed . After carrying on like this for minutes , he finally stopped . I let go of the cushion and moved my hands back to rub out the sting , but he caught them instead . I whined and wept more while he gripped my hands tightly behind my back . Without letting me regain my composure , he lifted me up and led me to the side of the couch . He leaned me over the couch at a position in which my feet were lifted from the ground and I had to hold myself up with my hands , so I wouldn 't fall . This was probably a good idea , because I knew what was coming up would hurt really badly , and if my hands were holding me up , then I couldn 't move them back to block my spanking . The next thing I heard was the sound of a leather belt slipping through the belt loops of Terrence 's jeans . This caused me to make a big uproar , crying and pleading at him . " Pleaseeeee , Terrenceeeeeeee , nooooooooo ! " I begged . " I 'm s - sorryyyyyyyyyy ! " " OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " I screamed , wiggling my bottom to try and get the sting out , fresh tears flowing freely from my eyes . " I 'm sorryyyyy , I 'm sorrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy ! " He landed four more loud whacks on my already flaming bottom , two centered on my sit - spots and causing me to nearly leap up from my position . Luckily , Terrence had his hand on my back and was making sure that I remained lying over the couch . He paused then landed four more , then four more , and repeated that routine a few more times . I never knew that Terrence could swing so hard . I mean , I knew from first hand experience that when he took off his belt , he meant business , from that time I had stolen something for the second time , but I never realized that he could swing THAT hard . It took me a minute to realize that he had stopped , for my crying was so loud , I couldn 't even hear the spanks anymore , and my bottom was throbbing so much that it was almost numb . I stayed lying like that for a minute , hoping that it was all over . He finally lifted me back up , making sure that he kept a firm hold on my hands so I wouldn 't rub . When I was lifted up , he let go of my hands and I wiped the tears from my eyes . He held onto my upper arm and spanked me with his hand while I was standing upright . " Good , " he said , still keeping a grip on me with his left arm . He marched me over to the corner , spanking me with each step . " You will SMACK ! stand SMACK ! in this SMACK ! corner SMACK ! until I SMACK ! tell SMACK ! you to SMACK ! move SMACK SMACK ! Understand ? SMACK ! " I exclaimed " ow " after each smack and said , " yessss , I understand owwww yesssssss ! " It hurt to walk from him spanking my sit spots , that crease in between my thighs and my bottom , and it stung like hell while I stood in the corner , trying not to reach behind me and rub my bottom . I stood there for about five minutes or so and finally Terrence spoke . I turned and walked slowly towards him . He held his arms out invitingly and I walked towards him , allowing him to pull me in for a hug . I cried into his chest and he stroked my hair , hushing me and calming me down . I muttered how sorry I was and he just told me that it would be okay , we would figure out a way to get me back in school , and he told me how much he loved me . Finally , he let go and looked me in the eyes . " Brianna , I love you , you 're the best sister I could ask for . . . I know you know how upset I am that you got yourself into so much trouble , but I 'm going to try my hardest to have them let you back in school . Is there any way that you could tell me who the people were that helped you with this ? " I nodded and gave him a big hug , then bent down to get my panties that had somehow ended up on the floor , probably from all of my kicking . " Terrence , I love you . . . " I said , letting one final tear slip down my cheek . " Thanks , " I whispered and tiptoed to my room , wincing with each step from the pain . I wasn 't angry at Terrence at all for spanking me . . . I deserved it and I was glad that he loved me enough to do what he did . I flopped down on my bed and buried my head into my pillow , only to fall into a dreamless sleep . Misc Story . Sarah 's parents are out of town when she gets into trouble at school . Her brother , Ryan , must take the matter into his own hands and assure that she 's appropriately punished . I smoothed my green plaid skirt down as I waited in the Headmaster 's office for my brother to pick me up . Naturally , I picked the best time in the world to vandalize the bathrooms in the school . It was the same month that my parents decided to go to Paris . I smirked a bit , glad that I was finally kicked out of this hellhole of a school . At least I 'd get to go somewhere else or stay home until Mommy dearest came home and begged the people to take me back . Or bribing rather . Just as I was about to pop off something really Smartassy , the door swung open and Ryan stormed through the door in his nice outfit , like he was fresh out of a catalog for some private school . I guess he kind of was , since he came to pick me up from Harvard . Stupid rich boys . " What on earth do you find funny , Sarah Parker ? " Ryan asked me while I choked on my laughter . I said nothing so he just sighed and looked at the Headmaster . " I 'm terribly sorry about this . . . " The way they were talking made me crack up more . It was so much like the scene from some cheesy movie where the rich kid got arrested and the parent 's promised to pay as long as their kid didn 't get put in jail . I guess it sort of was like that . The disadvantages of being a rich girl . Ryan looked back at me for a moment . " We must get going , sir . I 'm sorry about this , " he added nudging me a little . I let out a snort . He wanted me to apologize but I wasn 't about to do that . . . " Good luck trying to scrub that penis off your wall ! " I said , bursting into giggles again and standing up . Ryan practically pushed me out into the hallway . He smacked me right across the face , causing me to stumble a bit . He grabbed me by my upper arm and dragged me down the hallway . I had finally stopped laughing and I was instead rubbing my face where he had slapped me . " I can 't believe you , vandalizing the school and then laughing about it like it was a show on comedy central , " he scolded , still dragging me . We were almost to the car by now , his angry legs walking at a very fast pace . He opened the door to the passenger 's side of his car and shoved me in then slammed the door and got in on his side . I was still rubbing my face from that hit and I knew that I probably had a red mark . He was right , it really wasn 't that funny anymore . He was pretty pissed off at me . He drove about 90 down the highway to our house . I feared for my life and it was obvious since I kept ahold of my seat , praying silently to God that we wouldn 't crash . Fortuantly , we didn 't . Or is that unfortunate ? At least if we would have gotten in a wreck Ryan could have saved his breath and not yell at me , which is what I was sure he would do once we got home . That was basically all he could do , right ? He parked the car in our driveway and slammed his car door , then waited for me while I still rubbed my face . I must have been walking too slowly for him because in a matter of seconds he was beside me , his hand on my back , pushing me forward . I stumbled a little bit but didn 't fall and we finally made it into the house . " Sit , " he ordered . I did just so . " What the hell were you thinking ! " he yelled . " Spray painting the walls , breaking the windows , smoking pot in the bathroom ! What the hell was going through your mind , Sarah Parker ! " " You don 't know ? Do you see these pictures ! " he yelled and shoved them in my face . I didn 't know where he got them nor did I ask . It was a picture of black spray paint on the wall with the words " HEADMASTER ALLEN SUCKS . . . " well you get the picture . There were broken windows and obscene pictures all around and the bathroom was half flooded . I would have complimented myself if Ryan wasn 't shaking with anger in front of me . " And this , " he said , holding a ziplock bag with a half smoked joint and a package of cigarettes inside . " Do you realize all of this could be evidence used in court against you ? You could be fucking arrested and in jail for a few years . " I wanted to argue and say that I could get bail . Or family could pay any fine , but he knew what I was thinking . " I wouldn 't bail you out . I 'd let you stay in there a while , you 'd deserve it . " I said nothing . " Explain to me why in the world you decided to vandalize the school . " I looked up at him , his dark eyes blazing with anger . I gulped silently . I knew exactly why I had done what I did , to get kicked out of another school . But I didn 't realize that was I did was so utterly stupid . . . " That 's what I figured . You had no good reason to do what you did . There IS no good reason to do this , " he said , pointing towards the pictures again . He paced around the room for a minute . I sat there nervously , my leg thumping . I had decided that he would probably do more than just yell at me . Confine me to my room or something . Kick me out of the house . Refuse to feed me for a week . " I 'm going to spank you . " I blinked . That wasn 't what I was expecting . " Wanna bet ? " he asked . " Just watch me . " He proceeded to lift me off of the couch . I struggled and tried to protest , but my efforts were futile . He had his mind set on what he was going to do and he was definitely going to do it . " Nooooooooo , " I whined , trying to escape but he had a firm grip on my arm . He plopped down on the couch and pulled me over his lap . " Ryannn , stoppppp , " I begged . " Stop struggling ! " he demanded as my hands flew to my bottom trying anything to keep this from happening . He moved my hands up but I kept flying them back to my bottom . " SARAH ! " he yelled . " Move your hands . " " Nooooo , " I whined , keeping my hands where they were . He lifted them up and smacked my bottom hard . SMAAACK ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " Owwwww ! " I said , struggling and moving my hands back to cover up where my brother had just slapped my rear end . " You are 16 years old , Young Lady . You know better than to do what you did at school and you 're going to get punished for it . Now move your hands . " This caused me to squirm and wiggle more , trying to get off of his lap and get away , just whining and screaming . His grip was too tight , though , and I didn 't move very far . He finally finished taking his tie off and tied it tightly around my wrists where I was unable to block any type of spanking that was being administered . I struggled and whined . " Please , Ryan . Don 't do this . I 'm sorry . I won 't do it again . " " Damn straight you won 't do it again , " he said , lifting my skirt up . " I 'm going to make sure of that . " I felt his fingers between the waistband of my panties and my skin and the next thing I knew my panties were being pulled down to my knees . " Good ! " he answered and continued spanking me while I struggled and gasped for air . My struggles finally died down and I sank my head into the couch cushions crying as loudly as I could . He didn 't let up , just continued spanking me . " Are you ever going to vandalize anything again ? Or smoke pot ? Or act like what you did was no big deal ? " Ryan asked , emphasizing each word with a harder smack than before . " Good ! " he stated and spanked me again and again , rapidly as I cried and cried , my bottom throbbing like crazy and my head hurting from all the crying . He finally stopped and I wanted to rub my bottom so badly , but my hands were restrained and I couldn 't move . He just let me lay there , sobbing loudly while my bottom glowed and ached . He finally let me up and marched me towards the corner . My bottom ached with each step I took . " Stand there facing the corner and I don 't want to see you turn around at all , do you understand me ? " I muttered a " yes " under my breath and stood there , shifting from one foot to another to ease the pain . I stared at the wall and tears still streamed down my face , one after another , falling to the floor . I cried because my bottom hurt and my legs hurt and my head hurt and my stomach hurt from feeling so guilty for letting my older brother down . I wanted just to hug him and tell him how sorry I was and how it wasn 't funny and what I did really was bad . I guess that was his intentions for putting me in the corner , because as I stood there with a throbbing backside , that was all I could think about . Finally I felt him untying the tie and my hands were free . He turned me around and looked down into my eyes . " Sarah , I love you , little sis . I know that you knew what you did was wrong . I don 't want to see you getting into trouble like this . What if you had gotten arrested ? " " Shhhh , I know you are . I know , sis . " He rubbed my back and patted it softly . " You need to tell Headmaster Allen that you 're sorry , too , " he added and I nodded , my heart pounding because I honestly didn 't want to tell him . " Maybe you can get back into school . " " Well , that 's not a good reason . If you can find a good reason , I 'm sure we can find you a new school for next semester . As for now , you 're going to call HeadMaster Allen and apologize , right ? " I looked into his eyes . " Yes , Ryan , I 'll call him , " I said , hands rubbing my red bottom . My brother let go of me and I tugged my panties up and he walked me towards the kitchen where the phone hung on the wall . The number was right there in front of me , staring at me . My heart still pounded . " I don 't wanna call , " I whined . " Headmaster Allen ? " I said when the man picked up on the other line . " I was just calling to apologize for what I did , " I said , sniffling after nearly every word . He asked to speak with my brother and I gave him the phone . I didn 't want to wait as they talked about me , so I asked for permission to go to my room and lie down for a bit . I walked to my room wiping the tears out of my eyes the entire way there . I stopped in my bathroom and took a peek at my throbbing and stinging bottom , only to see that it looked as bad as it felt . My face looked pretty bad , too . I wiped my face with a washcloth until all of my makeup was gone and finally landed in my bed , exhausted . I 've written over 200 spanking stories since the age of 15 . My work has been featured in CF Publications , and my first full - length ebook ( Spanked by Her Brother ) was published in April 2016 by LSF Publications . I love chatting with people , so feel free to add me on social media and strike up a conversation : ) Outside of spanking , I enjoy traveling , partying , philosophizing , thinking about sociology , guitar hero , roller coasters , and being spontaneous . View my complete profile |
As an exercise , I used the three contest words in another 500 ( ish ) word story . One Drop in The Sea of Love is the obvious entry , so with this one I tried more for fun , writing out the first paragraph as a riff without really thinking about it . I just finished the tweaking and editing . Hope you enjoy it . On picture day at her school , eight - year - old Georgia had been warned not to mug for the camera . She did it anyway . Her mother , Amandine , tore the mailed proof into tiny pieces ( discarding them into different trash cans on separate floors of the downtown mall ) , then tried to have the photo redone before it was sent to every personal news outlet on earth . But Georgia 's cross - eyed , bulgy - tongued , ' fingers pulling from both sides of the mouth ' grin would be traveling the ether alongside beautiful glossy photos of sweet little darlings who had learned well and done as they were told . The response would be quick , the embarrassment intense as reaction upon reaction piled in . The Book of Faces would never understand this . Amandine knew she was going to get a letter . It was bad enough when someone 's camera was on the fritz and the ministry acted as though the world might end . A purposely ridiculous likeness could bring a fine . They were both getting low on their specially blended , Ideal Personal Color lipsticks - Amandine 's multifaceted plum with highlights of poppy and the subtlest touch of gold , Georgia 's translucent age - appropriate honey mixed with pale peony pink . How would they be able to buy lipsticks and pay a fine ? Amandine decided that this time Wyatt should be the one to admonish the child . Georgia hadn 't been listening to her mother for weeks . Perhaps the father so chiseled that he could do no wrong could get his daughter to stop pretending that unkempt and weird were actually viable options in life . That silliness was for history books . Modern Life took one 's visage very seriously . If Wyatt couldn 't get the child in line , Amandine had one more idea . She 'd seen an advertisement the other day for something called an Outer Layer Converter . One of its settings enabled the wearer to look good in every photo taken during a twenty - four hour period , from studio shots to selfies - perfection , no matter the angle . The thing was pricey , but there were low interest beauty loans for big ticket items like that . Anything to keep The Book of Faces happy and off their backs . Amandine was jotting down notes about this at her desk , when little Georgia pushed through the front door , smiling as splendidly as she hadn 't for her school photo . With her bookbag and mary janes left haphazard on the the front hall carpet , the girl sidled up to her mother 's chair and pushed a sheet of glossy paper across the glass top desk , gliding it toward her mother with ceremonious glee . She said , " Look , Mommy . " This started out on Words One Hundred as a hundred word story from one of Julia 's prompts . It seemed interesting to some of those who read it , and they wanted more . I realized how much I liked writing it and how it seemed to be writing itself , so since this week has been weird for me and I have to get a lot of things done tomorrow , I figured I should just let it flow . As always , feedback is very much appreciated . Whether you like the story or you don 't , I 'd love to know . Here goes : After the shot , Vince was quiet as Billy 's whining started up outside , muffled but gaining volume as my heart ticked off the seconds . " You see anything over there ? " I said . I wasn 't in the mood for stupid questions . Vince would see what was what in time . I waited and watched as Billy wailed . If he knew anyone had followed him , he 'd let it slip while writhing on the ground clutching his bleeding leg . Any time someone calls me Dammit , it makes me take longer . Vince didn 't even ask . Good thing . I wasn 't done running permutations in my mind . We didn 't just have to wait for signs he wasn 't alone , I had to figure out the order of things as best I could before we dragged him in . I wished we had a wireless so I could get some idea what the cops were thinking . I didn 't see any more movement , no more reflected sun flashing . I told Vince I 'd cover him while he dragged Billy in . From the sigh he let out and they way he flew out the door , you 'd think the two were best friends from childhood or something . Maybe he just wanted to know what had gone wrong as much as I did . We thought Billy 'd been pinched . Once inside and on the bed , crying as loud as he had outside in the dirt , our no - longer - missing wheelman was submitting to Vince 's attempts at a tourniquet around his bleeding thigh . While writhing in pain , his eyes looked for me in the background . I moved around the room to vex him . Every time he lit on me , he looked scareder than usual . For a minute , I tried to remember what he 'd seen me do that 'd make him worry so much . Then I figured it must just be the bullet in his thigh . " What the hell ? " I heard Vince growl . " The man 's hurt . What 're you doing ? " I was glad I was wearing slacks . Vince couldn 't have a cow because a stupid skirt was hiking up . I pressed the tip of my gun against the side of Billy 's forehead and his eyes closed tight . " Jesus , girl β¦ " he slobbered . " You got no call to do that ! " " I fixed that car myself . She ran sweet and fast . " I stopped right there . It doesn 't do to talk more than you have to . Billy wasn 't the kind to know that . " I don 't know what happened . It just stopped β¦ it stopped right past the Mattson bridge . Running just fine , then she just stopped an ' I couldn 't get ' er going . " He must 've thought that sounded good because he added , " Maybe you don 't know all there is about engines . " I held the gun steady and ruminated . I started back at the beginning and thought about how I 'd laid out the parts as I took each one out , cleaning and checking . That line of thinking didn 't go on for long . I 'd been making pocket - money since I was fifteen fixing cars for anybody who wanted it done cheap and right and didn 't care that a woman was doing it . I cocked the hammer and reached back to Billy 's wound . He squealed like a baby when I poked it . Vince was breathing hard , but when it came to fixing cars instead of driving them , he always kept quiet . " Where 'd you say it stalled ? " I asked the baby . I leaned in as I reminded him of something . " Call me May or Belle , but if you ever slap the two together again I 'll shoot you on the spot . " I waited for him to nod , then I straightened up . " Now tell me exactly where it stalled . " I stared into Billy 's weepy eyes as I dug the barrel harder into his temple . " If it stalled on the town side of the bridge it would 've rolled down , all the way down to Burt 's dusty five and dime at the edge , before stopping . Road 's on an incline down to there . He would 've only had to steer . He coulda got to us in time and warned us before we started . " I turned to Vince . " You don 't think for a minute I fixed a car that stalled out right away . " " I guess it doesn 't matter which ones , " I said . " Benson 's gang , or those city boys fighting ' em and wanting to run all the counties . One side or the other figured us out . Or maybe you told ' em . Did you do that to get in good with the ' big boys ' ? They waiting for you to report back ? You came up here to shoot us and take the money back to one or the other . " Me and Vince hadn 't spread out much in the cabin , it was too cold in there to even undress , so we strapped a lot of the sacks with the cash around our bellies and buckled the rest of it , and anything else loose , into the two big over - the - shoulder bags we 'd brought it all in . I strapped on Billy 's rifle and Vince got his gun and all the extra ammunition . As we started putting on our coats , I got an idea for a way to get down the mountain that I was pretty sure neither gang knew about . I 'd lived and explored around there since I was real little - sometimes with my dad . Daddy 'd been laid on the kitchen table by coworkers from the mine . They 'd put a couple of dish towels under his head and the little crocheted blanket from the couch over him , up to his chest , so I wouldn 't see the wound when I got there . When I took his hand , he turned his grip on me and kept trying to raise his head as he rasped and blood dribbled out of his mouth and down the side of his face . " You listen to me , " he said . " I taught you everything I knew after your mama passed . I did the best I knew and I never cared you were a girl . You 're smarter than I ever was . Once you know something , you just do . You don 't have to think too long . That 's a good mark for a mind . " He spat out some more blood and went on , holding my hand even tighter and pulling me closer . " Do better than I did . Don 't go out poor . They got plenty , girl . Don 't you go out poor . " He 'd been the one to teach me about cars . He taught me how to shoot and run as fast as any boy . He told me how he 'd robbed strongboxes , store registers and a bank before he met my mama and went straight . He wasn 't scared to tell me that . He knew I 'd still love him . It took me a few years to figure things out . I wanted to do it once , big , then go someplace warm and live the way Daddy wanted me to . I would 've got it done someday on my own , but meeting Vince made it perfect . He was another set of hands and someone who knew most of the ropes . He knew enough to see that I could plan things well . And since that wasn 't his strong suit , he let me plan it all . The coal company would never know who 'd robbed their safe if we could just get the hell out of there and on our way south . I wasn 't going to let the little problem with Billy mess it all up . " I 'll listen to you all you want , " I said . " I 'll even buy one of those pretty dresses and walk through the garden holding my shoes in my hand like we saw in that picture . Maybe wear a big straw hat with flowers around the brim β¦ " " Sure , " I said . We had plenty of money for that life . " We 've got to get out of here now , " I said . " Let 's go . " This story first appeared in the post on April 20th . Most readers felt that it needed more , that its point was more than ambiguous . So here it is again after a few weeks , and finally , a rewrite that feels right to me . For those who don 't need to start again at the beginning , you can scroll down to the asterisks ( * * ) on the left and begin where the rewrite begins . Many thanks to anyone who gives it a read , especially if you take the time to comment , and I promise that not every story on the blog will be this long ! ( It isn 't really , it just seems that way ! ) Joaquin beamed as his wife effortlessly brought the box to the table , and set it down inside the perimeter of coffee cups and dessert plates with half eaten pound cake slices bathed in pools of strawberries in custard sauce . She moved to open the top of the box , but he touched her hand and motioned for her to wait . She sat down again by her own plate , and listened as he spoke . " Andy 's come up with some cool things before , maybe not everyone 's cup of tea , but still great things . But this one - he 's outdone himself this time . He 's still wondering about it , but his wife and family , and us - we 're all sure he 's going to be famous for this ! " The point is , that we are his guinea pigs and we 'd like you to be , too ! But rest assured , it 'll be fun , and it 's not in any way dangerous . He wants us all to know that he hasn 't used anything like microwaves , or whatever that is in cell phones that we 're supposed to be careful about . He 's not even sure why the components he put together make it work . He just knows that they do . He calls it a Comprehensor . " Joaquin stood up and opened the box . He drew out a large , hard , grayish cap that looked much like a smoother and less angular sort of bicycle helmet , and put it on his head . He stretched out his arms and said , " Ta - daaaa ! " Some of his guests laughed outright . Some twittered about how ridiculous he looked in it . Dena was still smiling while she shushed her guests a bit and said , " Come on ! It 's what it does - not what it looks like ! " Joaquin took off the cap and put it down beside his plate . He removed the box to the floor by the wall , and looked at Dena 's sister , Vicky . " To help illustrate what the Comprehensor does , Dena got your mom 's recipe for Blackberry Dumplings , and made some to augment our meal . " " I know , I know , " Dena said patting her sister 's hand . " I was the only one in the house who loved Mom 's Blackberry Dumplings , but trust us . " She reached out to her husband , and he placed the Comprehensor in her hands . Then she told him , " We 'll get this on while you get the dumplings . " She paused , holding the cap in her hands , asking her sister with her eyes . Vicky sat still and said nothing as her sister gently placed the Comprehensor on her head . " I see a practical joke coming on ! " said Dena 's boyfriend , Bill , laughing . " I can 't just sit by and let this happen . Don 't eat it , Vicky ! " Dena stopped smiling . " I would never do something like that . It 's just easier to explain what it does , if we show you first . It 's worked every time . " Vicky shot a quick look at Joaquin , and he stopped smiling , too . The three of them were the only ones who seemed to have lost touch with the humor of the situation . Before the uncomfortableness took complete hold of the room , Vicky went ahead and lifted a spoonful of the dumpling with blackberries , closed her eyes , and put it in her mouth . There was a quietness , combined with breathy snickering and prickly anticipation , throughout the room as they all waited for whatever came next . " What the β¦ , " said Vicky . She chewed , then swallowed . " This is a joke ! What 's in this ? How did you make it taste so good ? " Dena caught their attention as her sister continued to eat the plate of dumplings . " That 's what it does ! The Comprehensor helps you understand what another person feels , as long as they 're physically close to you , like I am to Vicky right now . She can taste how good I think Mom 's dumplings are ! " " You have to precipitate it somehow , " Dena answered . " That 's why we used the dumplings . Try asking her a question , or just mention something you feel strongly about . " Vicky took his hand under the table , and leaned in to her boyfriend , looking him in the eye . " The Three Stooges are funny ! " she said , her excitement clear to everyone . " Watching them is like being very young again , when life was simpler β¦ " She giggled , and took off the cap . " Now you try ! " After nearly an hour , the cap came to the last friend at the table , Annette . As she stared at it in her hands , the others wound down again as they had for each of them , quieting as the focus shifted entirely to her , waiting for her to take her turn . She lifted her chin and sniffed as she turned it around in her hands and finally placed it on the table . She looked around the room at the others , and said , " Really ? You 've got to be kidding . You should all have seen yourselves . This thing is so ugly . I wouldn 't be caught dead in it . " Joaquin searched her face for something , anything to help him as he struggled to understand , but she simply smiled as she scooped up the last bite of cake left on her plate . He had known this woman through her friendship with his wife for much longer than the ten years he and Dena had been married , yet he felt unprepared to ask Annette what felt like a very personal question . He stammered while simultaneously considering his approach . His heartbeat felt suddenly aggressive , pounding inside him like a stranger trying to get out , though he only wanted to slide away from the moment to a calmer space where there was no ambiguity and there were no questions . After a few awkward attempts , he settled on a question . " Are β¦ you afraid of the cap ? " He tried again . " I was β¦ I mean , of course it 's your decision , your choice β¦ but I was just wondering if β¦ well it can 't really be what the cap looks like . There must be something else . I β¦ I 'm not asking you to tell us anything personal . It 's just that we 're all friends here . I was just wondering if there 's another reason ? " He tried to look pleasant , to look different from the way he felt inside . He realized that he had picked up the Comprehensor and was holding it in his hands , and that he couldn 't quite stop his hands from shaking . Annette 's expression deepened , and he felt the need to go on . " I just mean β¦ you wouldn 't want us to think that you were , were β¦ " Joaquin couldn 't cover his embarrassment as Annette looked around the table again , uneasy this time , yet defiantly so . " Excuse me ? " She stretched the phrase out for effect , and waited for a response . " Insulting ? " she said , raising her voice . " He just insulted me ! " She turned to Joaquin . " I 've been sitting here , bored while you all go on and on about this , this thing ! I didn 't try to stop you all from having fun , but now I 'm a liar because I don 't care about this stuff ? Because I don 't want to play this game ? " Dena had been quiet until now , searching the room from her friend 's face to her empty dessert plate , and then smoothing out the nearest section of organic cotton tablecloth . " It 's not a game , " she said finally , finding her voice . " And nobody 's questioning your right not to do something . We just don 't get what you said . We 're asking you to talk to us and not dismiss us . " Annette shook her head . " What 's not to get ? I said what I meant ! You don 't think it 's ugly - okay fine ! But you don 't get to call me a liar , or β¦ what did you say ? " She turned back to Bill and pointed her finger at him . " Shallow ? Like I have to care about that thing ? Like there aren 't some actual important things in the world ? What the hell is going on here ? " " What about the possible good the cap could do ? " Dena answered . " Even if you don 't want to try it , it 's like you can 't see the possibilities of it . Like you 're not even arguing with us about the merits of it , or what you think is wrong with it ! Talk to us about what you really think ! We 're all friends here . " " You 're all acting like this is seriously important or something ! " Annette was shouting now . " How could this be important ? It 's just a game ! " Dena looked incredulous . " What if β¦ what if it could be used someplace like the U . N . ? If there was a dispute , and some representative of a country could ask for permission to use the cap for clarity - it could help even more than the earphones that translate the speakers into the other languages . They wouldn 't have to agree , but at least they could really get the other point of view . It could work for everybody - unless they don 't want to be understood ! " " The U . N . ? Oh , come on ! Really ? " Annette sighed , throwing up her hands and leaning far back into her chair . Catching sight of the Comprehensor again , her attention returned to Joaquin . " Okay . Since everyone 's so sure I 'm a liar , put the damn thing on and ask me what I think . " " I 'm tired of this , Joaquin ! This is so insulting , I want to go home . But not before you all stop calling me a liar and realize that you 're the ones with the problem - not me ! " She folded her arms with the challenge , and waited . Joaquin took his time . Everyone was watching . He wanted a reprieve , but couldn 't find a way out of it . When the cap was on his head again , he turned to his friend and asked , " Why would you rather not try the Comprehensor ? " Annette straightened in her chair and spoke slowly at Joaquin . " I think it 's ugly , stupid , and ridiculous . It doesn 't make any sense , and it isn 't fun . " She raised her eyebrows again and began to tap her fingertips on the table , watching as he removed the cap and set it down . She raised her fingers and wiggled them in the air , mocking him with the serious tone of a newscaster , " So what does the marvelous All - Seeing Comprehensor say about Annette ? " " Oh ! Oh , so I 'm not a liar ? Wow ! Isn 't that amazing ? " She rose from her chair . " We 're leaving now , Ryan . " Her fiancΓ© put his napkin on the table , and got up to follow her . He spoke softly to the others , " I wish I knew what to say . " She was already in the living room and they had all heard the front door open when he added , " I 'll try and talk to her . I 'm sorry . " None of the others spoke of what had just happened between them during the few moments after the two had gone . There were knitted brows and truncated expressions of disbelief as hesitation morphed into reticence , and then silence . Soon a familiar path was found out of the maze . " More dessert all around ? " And the hosts led their guests back to conversation and the more natural wind down to an evening that friends would expect , though it did end faster than usual , with the feeling that there was now something unpleasant clinging in the air . Later , alone , Joaquin and Dena decided to wait until the next day to tell their friend in Seattle how delighted most of their friends had been with the cap . They went about the business of cleaning up and putting away , and while moving through the quieter progression of readying themselves for bed , they began to examine why , underneath , they were still feeling so uneasy . They talked late into the night , searching for those words that were lingering , creeping into the comfortable space they 'd made in their lives and eager to explain to them what they didn 't want to comprehend . Unwillingly they examined those words that seemed to encroach openness and light , those words that were still clinging in the air around them , like weights . Joaquin beamed as his wife effortlessly brought the box to the table , and set it down inside the perimeter of coffee cups and dessert plates with half eaten pound cake slices bathed in pools of strawberries in custard sauce . She moved to open the top of the box , but he touched her hand and motioned for her to wait . She sat down again by her own plate , and listened as he spoke . " Andy 's come up with some cool things before , maybe not everyone 's cup of tea , but still great things . But this one - he 's outdone himself this time . He 's still wondering about it , but his wife and family , and us - we 're all sure he 's going to be famous for this ! " The point is , that we are his guinea pigs and we 'd like you to be , too ! But rest assured , it 'll be fun , and it 's not in any way dangerous . He wants us all to know that he hasn 't used anything like microwaves , or whatever that is in cell phones that we 're supposed to be careful about . He 's not even sure why the components he put together make it work . He just knows that they do . He calls it a Comprehensor . " Joaquin stood up and opened the box . He drew out a large , hard , grayish cap that looked much like a smoother and less angular sort of bicycle helmet , and put it on his head . He stretched out his arms and said , " Ta - daaaa ! " Some of his guests laughed outright . Some twittered about how ridiculous he looked in it . Dena was still smiling while she shushed her guests a bit and said , " Come on ! It 's what it does - not what it looks like ! " Joaquin took off the cap and put it down beside his plate . He removed the box to the floor by the wall , and looked at Dena 's sister , Vicky . " To help illustrate what the Comprehensor does , Dena got your mom 's recipe for Blackberry Dumplings , and made some to augment our meal . " " I know , I know , " Dena said patting her sister 's hand . " I was the only one in the house who loved Mom 's Blackberry Dumplings , but trust us . " She reached out to her husband , and he placed the Comprehensor in her hands . Then she told him , " We 'll get this on while you get the dumplings . " She paused , holding the cap in her hands , asking her sister with her eyes . Vicky sat still and said nothing as her sister gently placed the Comprehensor on her head . " I see a practical joke coming on ! " said Dena 's boyfriend , Bill , laughing . " I can 't just sit by and let this happen . Don 't eat it , Vicky ! " Dena stopped smiling . " I would never do something like that . It 's just easier to explain what it does , if we show you first . It 's worked every time . " Vicky shot a quick look at Joaquin , and he stopped smiling , too . The three of them were the only ones who seemed to have lost touch with the humor of the situation . Before the uncomfortableness took complete hold of the room , Vicky went ahead and lifted a spoonful of the dumpling with blackberries , closed her eyes , and put it in her mouth . There was a quietness , combined with breathy snickering and prickly anticipation , throughout the room as they all waited for whatever came next . " What the β¦ , " said Vicky . She chewed , then swallowed . " This is a joke ! What 's in this ? How did you make it taste so good ? " Dena caught their attention as her sister continued to eat the plate of dumplings . " That 's what it does ! The Comprehensor helps you understand what another person feels , as long as they 're physically close to you , like I am to Vicky right now . She can taste how good I think Mom 's dumplings are ! " " You have to precipitate it somehow , " Dena answered . " That 's why we used the dumplings . Try asking her a question , or just mention something you feel strongly about . " Vicky took his hand under the table , and leaned in to her boyfriend , looking him in the eye . " The Three Stooges are funny ! " she said , her excitement clear to everyone . " Watching them is like being very young again , when life was simpler β¦ " She giggled , and took off the cap . " Now you try ! " After nearly an hour , the cap came to the last friend at the table , Annette . As she stared at it in her hands , the others wound down again as they had for each of them , quieting as the focus shifted entirely to her , waiting for her to take her turn . She lifted her chin and sniffed as she turned it around in her hands and finally placed it on the table . She looked around the room at the others , and said , " Really ? You 've got to be kidding . You should all have seen yourselves . This thing is so ugly . I wouldn 't be caught dead in it . " Joaquin searched her face for something , for anything . He opened his mouth , but had no words . As he sat frozen next to Annette , he heard his wife ask her if she was joking . Annette sniffed again as she shook her head , then asked if there was any more cake . Joaquin reached for the cap as his wife slowly got up and went to the kitchen to oblige their friend . He moved to put the cap on , but stopped and only held it in front of his head for a moment , then turned and placed it carefully back into its box and closed the lid . The dinner party was nearly done , winding down naturally , the way those parties generally do , despite the feeling that there was now something clinging in the air , words unspoken . Later , alone , Joaquin and Dena were happy that most of their friends were delighted with the cap . They decided to tell the good news to their friend in Seattle the next day . Then they wondered why , underneath , they were feeling so uneasy , and they began to search for those words that were still around them that seemed to encroach openness and light , eager to explain what they didn 't want to comprehend , still clinging , like weights . The Global : We all live together on this planet . There is no doubt about that . On some level , we all know this , even though our conversations are often peppered with references to our countries , our cities , our homes - as if these places are actually separate from the " other " places on Earth . I know , of course that we each have to take care of our own manageable space , because the hope is that if we do , these spaces can come together in a healthy and peaceful way . My concern is how often we forget the way one action in one place can diminish , or take away , the health choices that other people should have the right to make for themselves . This happens in so many areas of life on Earth ; from people ( even in my own country , the US ) being deprived of clean water , to the right to choose to eat organic foods . So many areas of life that it 's easy to feel powerless to affect β¦ I 've just signed a time sensitive petition that asks the US government to consider how important it is to help organic farmers continue to offer consumers a choice concerning which foods they want to consume . Are the financial desires of a corporation actually more important than the choices human beings should have the right to make about their own health ? For more information from people who can explain this issue far better than I can , here is a link the Food Democracy Now ! website . I hope you 'll understand this issue , and add your own voice to the petition . Now for the Personal : My story , " West on 80 , 1993 " is featured today on Open Mic Friday at Satsumabug 's art blog . Lisa 's blog captures her personal journey as an artist in such a wonderfully written , informative , and supportive way , that I 'm sure any of us can find something there to identify with , think about , or spark a bit of creative flow - no matter what kind of art we want to create or experience . I hope you can visit , because I could use all the feedback I can get in order to hone my creative writing skills . I also hope that you might like the story . It 's different from the dreamy , purposely stilted feel of " Cowboy Heaven " which can be found in the Bits and Pieces section of my blog . " West on 80 , 1993 " is a more traditional short story . Thanks in advance if you can give it a look . Sparks in the shadows shine bright . Take a look and see . I look , listen , feel , laugh often , and then write some of it down . |
Before we get into a review of the whole experience , let 's just take a look at the last section , which was broadly based on the aether - a fifth element that , for reasons unknown to me , does not usually appear as a quirky redhead . It was , instead , the substance through which light waves were thought to propagate . A rather clever and simple experiment managed to prove that the aether didn 't exist , however , which makes it perfect for telling stories about other things that don 't exist - ghosts , ESP , spirits of every shape and size . Houseguests is a tale of a haunted house , where fourteen boys were tortured and killed . The house is bought by a pair of dedicated skeptics . Because after all - there 's no such thing as ghosts , right ? Except for the ones that really do live there β¦ The Bad News tells more of Carly Siminsky 's story . Carly is a telekinetic girl , held by the Department of National Security for - allegedly - her own safety . She 's doing well in her training , until she hears something that she cannot endure . Hotline is about a psychic , but not a real one . A young woman acting as a telephone psychic to make money for college . Her last call of the night , however , turns out to be one she couldn 't have forseen . It was a good section , with some fun ideas that popped into my head , and others that actively resisted being drawn out into reality . But I suppose the aether is like that - indefinable , and unreliable . At 12 , 453 words , it was the second shortest section - probably due to the fact that there wasn 't a whole lot of pressure anymore . Most important , though , was that I finished NaNoWriMo with plenty of time to spare , and managed to get a very respectable number of words in before the month ended . How did I do it , you might ask ? Very simple : I planned . I made sure that I knew what I was going to do for the month , and had keywords set up to give me something to think about while I put the stories together . Aside from providing a seed for the story to grow from ( which is pretty much where Finders Keepers is all about ) , it allowed me to think about the stories during time when I normally wouldn 't write . I was regular in my writing . My regular writing time is at night - usually after eight or so , given my schedule , and I need to finish by eleven . That 's not a whole lot of time , but I made damn sure I used it . If I couldn 't - for example , on Wednesdays , when the podcast is due - I would do as much as I could during the day . I used all the time I had on my hands . The effect of this , of course , what that I didn 't have a lot of time to do anything else . I didn 't read a book all month , or write a review or anything , which seems really out of character and weird for me . For December , though , I 'm going to ramp things down a little . Do some world - building and exploring , look at some of the people and places I 've created over the last six months and 279 , 000 words . It should be an interesting little vacation . On the last day of each month , I 'll take a story from the previous month , clean it up a little , see if I can make it better than the first time it appeared , and post it up . Of course , this being the last night of my Elements series , with the category being " Aether , " there was really only one good choice of stories to revisit : Dream Intervention , from day 148 . I extended it a little , but more important was the shift from first person to third . I did it mostly just to see what happened , and it worked nicely , I think . I still don 't know what Cory 's Big Problem is , as he is not being very helpful . Much like in the story β¦ The dream trembled under Noel 's fingertips . He was barely even touching it and yet he could feel the tenuous fabric try to shrink away from him . He smiled and leaned in closer , trying to peer into the distorted , unfinished vision that lay before him . Dreams were like that . A dream described by a person after they wake up is nearly impossible to recover . They search for words , they try to make comparisons that don 't make any sense . " She was my girlfriend but not my girlfriend , and for some reason she was a robot , but not like a Terminator robot but like one of those things you see in an auto plant . And made of marzipan . " They make perfect sense to the one who 's in them , and absolutely none from the outside . The internal logic is flawless , but to someone looking in , the whole thing is like a fragile , evanescent soap bubble just waiting to go . It took a lot of practice to get in and out of them without breaking the whole thing down around you . Fortunately , Noel had had that practice . And a little bit of luck , which he was careful to appreciate . He 'd been touching others ' dreams for more than a decade , and had learned the ins and outs of the dream world and the logic that ruled it . Or them , to be more precise . As it turned out , there was no singular dream world - no mysterious realm where all dreams come from . Every dream was a world unto itself , and yet all dreams shared a certain set of rules . The dream was pretty boilerplate , and about what he expected of a sixteen year - old boy . All of the corners were dark , and nothing was really clear except when Noel was looking straight at it . It was hot and everything felt sluggish and slow . When he moved , it felt like everything happened a half second too late , as though the universe hadn 't been paying attention to what he wanted to do . He focused his mind on the dream , and everything snapped into sharp relief . All it took was a shift of perspective , much like watching a movie and reminding yourself that the guns are shooting blanks and the explosions are largely computer - generated . It took some of the fun out of it , yes , but to someone living in it - or visiting - it might be a lifesaver . The school hallway brightened a bit as he reminded himself of where he was , and what he was doing there . He heard screams coming from down the hall , so he checked the notebook in his pocket to see what he needed to know about the kid : Cory Shillinger , a football player and probably the best on his team . A bit of a bully , but that often came with the territory . And that wasn 't why he was there . Not to punish him for anything . Just to remind him of something . Noel knew perfectly well what Cory looked like now , but that would probably just make things worse . Or weirder . He pictured a much younger Cory in his head , at least how he imagined Cory looked when he was younger . Dirty blonde hair , skinny , teeth that hadn 't been fixed up yet . He felt the image wrap around himself like a tight corset , and when Noel called up a mirror on the wall , he looked at least enough like young Cory to pass in a dream . But there was one more thing he needed . He pulled the badge out of his pocket and pinned it to the faded Star Wars t - shirt he was wearing . The badge had three simple words on it : I AM YOU . Cory would see it , but not really know what it was . It was a symbol , really , and nothing more , and it would be all that was really necessary to convince Cory of who Noel was supposed to be . Dreams operated on symbols , on personal interpretation of things . That was the only way dreams could work and not drive the dreamers utterly mad . Noel could have decided to look like Mark Twain or Marilyn Monroe or Jabba the Hutt , but he figured it would be best not to push his luck . The real Cory came barreling around the corner a moment later , and Noel banished the mirror . The boy was running feverishly from something that was probably really horrifying , but the way Noel saw it , he was running from symbols that were simply floating bundles of words . " Terror . " " Humiliation . " " Pain . " " Danger . " Cory himself was gorgeous , or at least mostly so . He had the body of a teenage quarterback - all lean and tight and muscled from head to toe . True to so many teenage dreams , all he was wearing was a pair of boxers , and even those were flickering in and out as Noel watched him . His skin was breaking out in sores that pulsed and opened and closed and moved about his body , never settling in one place but never fading away . His hair was falling out , and as he screamed , Noel saw that the boy was missing teeth . It was the grand package of nightmares , and for all the horror and terror , it was only a distraction for what Cory was really afraid of . Noel put himself in Cory 's path and held out a hand . A great wind blew in from behind him , picking up papers and books and even the odd desk or two . It blew from Noel towards Cory , and bent in a tight circle around the boy to blow all the symbolic monsters away from him in great tatters and rags and rage . Cory screamed and wept as the wind blew past him and howled and shrieked horrible things that only he could hear . Noel lowered his hand and the wind snapped off . Cory dropped to his knees , holding his head in his hands and whimpering softly . Noel let him sit like that for a moment , or however long that was for him . Cory looked up , and Noel could tell that he 'd be a heartbreaker if he just had clear skin and all his teeth . Noel shook his head . " This isn 't gonna work , " he said . " Stand up . " " C ' mon , QB . Stand up . " Noel crooked a finger and the boy stood on unsteady legs . Noel raised a hand to Cory 's chest and laid a hand against his skin . Cory 's form rippled for a moment , and all the deformities and disfigurement faded away as if they had never been . " There you go . " Noel patted his chest with a hand which was his own again , and let it linger there for a moment longer than he had to . He felt the boy 's heart beating , fast and afraid , and it sent a thrill up his arm . If Cory noticed the change , he didn 't say anything , but Noel drew out the moment as long as he could . " You β¦ um , you might want to think about wearing some clothes , " Noel said eventually . He glanced down , and so did Cory . " But you can take your time . " Noel winked . " If you want . " " All right , " Noel said . He shrugged and turned around . There were a couple of comfortable chairs there that hadn 't been there before . " Have a seat , " Noel said . " And take that helmet off . It makes me uncomfortable . " As Cory sat , Noel took another button out and pinned it to the football uniform that he seemed to be wearing as well . Gotta be more careful about that , he thought . This button read YOU TRUST ME . It was blatant manipulation , and for a moment , Noel thought about seeing just how far he could push that button 's power . In the dream , anything was possible , and chances were that the boy wouldn 't remember a thing . " Good , " Noel said . " You can talk . You 'd be surprised how often that fails in here . " He handed Cory a drink in a cup labeled RELAX . He took it and blew over the top . Hot chocolate , probably . When he 'd taken a sip , and the pads deflated from under his uniform , Noel started to talk again . " Cory , " he said . " You 're in trouble . " He gestured over to one corner of the room , which had gone from being a school hallway to a bare stage . A spotlight clicked on and illuminated a strange tableau . Cory , holding another boy close , their arms wrapped around each other in mid - fall . Look at it one way , and it was the middle of a brawl - the other boy 's feet were about to come out from under him , and Cory was getting ready to pull an arm out for a punch . Cory 's face was a mask of rage , the other boy 's torn by fear . Look again , though , and they were holding onto each other out of desperation . Cory was trying to hold the other boy up , his arms tightening around his waist and they both slowly dropped to the floor . The anger on Cory 's face warped to pain and anguish . The other boy 's face was still overwhelmed with fear , but it was altogether a different kind now . Cory and Noel both looked at it , and then Noel turned to the boy . " So , " he said . " It looks like there 's something you might need to talk about . " " I β¦ I don 't understand , " Cory said . He looked like he was about to cry again , and Noel felt his earlier attraction to the boy fading . He 'd hoped there would be a core of strength to him , but if this was his soul laid bare , then he wasn 't worth mooning over . " Of course you don 't , " Noel said . " That 's the whole point . " He leaned forward , and Cory 's eyes widened . Noel wondered who he looked like now . " You have a problem , son , " he said . He pointed to the tableau again , which was slowly turning in the spotlight . " That over there is a hint to what it is . But without your help , I can 't get to what 's really going on . " He stood up and crooked a finger . Cory , now dressed in a t - shirt and jeans , followed along to inspect the image more closely . Noel pointed to it . " You know who they are ? " " I know who I am , " Cory said , pointing to his own image . Noel raised an eyebrow . " But I don 't know who he is . " " Well , then we have a problem , " Noel said . He cracked his knuckles and noticed that he seemed to be wearing a suit now . With black leather gloves . " Fortunately , problem - solving is my specialty . But first , there 's somewhere we have to go . " He reached out to the statue - Cory 's head and tugged on a lock of hair . A door opened up , spreading instantly to the floor , and a dim greyness lay beyond . The faint smell of woodsmoke wafted out . " No , " the boy said , holding his hands up . " I don 't know where I am or what you 're doing , but this can 't be happening . Not for real . " He was starting to change again , his form losing substance . He was beginning to look like a faded photograph , like a wet painting left out in the rain , and Noel cursed under his breath . " Cory , you can 't go . This is too important . " He reached out for the boy 's arm , and it was like grabbing a handful of oatmeal . " Cory , you need to stay and do this . " The thing that was Cory shook its head . " No , " it said in a slow , indistinct voice . " Not going . " The shape bubbled and twisted and folded in on itself . And then , without prelude or fanfare , the dream collapsed . " Dammit , " Noel whispered . He lingered in the non - darkness that was the place where dreams emerged and tried to count all the things he did wrong . In the end , he let himself go back into normal sleep and the normal world . There would be other nights and other chances . But not too many . Carissa sat at her phone station a full minute before her eight o ' clock shift started and took a photograph out of her purse . It was old , the colors muted by the years , but still resonant with meaning . Her mother , dressed in a cheap black graduation robe , holding her diploma aloft with both hands . It was a gorgeous summer day , and she stood a little apart from her mother and father , who were watching with a kind of bemused interest . Carissa 's mother had been the first in the family to graduate from college , and Carissa meant to follow her example . She picked up her headset and had it settled right as the clock ticked over . She took a deep breath , whispered , " Graduation , " and hit the flashing white button that gave her the first call of the night . The young woman on the other end was convinced that her boyfriend was cheating on her , and it took Carissa about fifteen seconds of conversation to decide that he probably was , and she wasn 't sure she blamed him . There was only so much you could tell about someone after two years of an undergrad psychology degree , but growing up with three older sisters was a Masters ' course in how to ruin relationships . She threw a couple of well - aimed guesses at the caller - Did he sometimes hide his phone ? He 's been behaving strangely , hasn 't he ? - and advised her to go look for someone else , because he was just no good for her . Most of the calls were like that . They were people with fairly ordinary problems who just needed permission to do what they were probably going to do anyway . Those callers were entertaining . There were some , though , that made Carissa 's heart heavy and kept her staring at that picture of her mother all the longer . The people who called for real trauma , for answers that she couldn 't really give . Is my father okay in heaven ? Will my baby boy ever get better ? When will I ever feel normal ? For those calls , she leaned on the cloudiness of the future . " Events have a way of unfolding , " she 'd say , " and none of us can be absolutely sure what the end will be . " She would reassure them that life , on balance , does get better and that a brighter future was waiting for them if they were willing to go get it . Which was not advice that was privy only to psychics , but it seemed to make them feel better . " Welcome to The Psychic Connection , " she said . " I am Roxinda and I am at your service . " Countless movies and TV shows had taught her what people expected to hear from a psychic , and she was sure to deliver - a voice that sounded like she smoked too much , a name that was just exotic enough , and a trace of an accent that had no clear origin . " Let me part the veil and reveal to you what the future holds . " The person on the other end waited nearly long enough to make her think the call had dropped . Then he spoke . " You 're a liar , " he said . He sounded exhausted . His voice cracked , and seemed to be coming from far away . " Why would you say that ? " Carissa asked . She 'd been accused of not being a real psychic before , of course . There were the skeptics who tried to test her and the angry family members who were upset that their mother or brother or son was allowing some so - called " Psychic " to make decisions for them . Carissa had some sympathy , of course . She wasn 't psychic , and she was pretty sure none of her co - workers were either . They were all just really good at figuring people out , cold reading and making the vague and speculative sound precise and prophetic . They weren 't allowed to reveal that , of course . Admitting to not actually being psychic was the fastest way to lose the job , and right now Carissa needed what little cash she could scrape in . The man on the other end of the phone sighed , and it was heavy and tired . " I know your type , " he said . " You let us give you our money and you wave your hands around and tell us what we should do . and then you hang up , and nothing is ever your problem again . " Carissa blinked . That was a new approach for her . " Perhaps you could tell me about your problem , " she said . " I feel a great sense of urgency , of a great decision that needs to be made . " He laughed , and it was a single , short bark . " You could say that , yeah . Yeah , a decision . " He paused , and Carissa could hear the short scrape of a lighter being lit . " I sure do have a decision to make , " he said around what ha to be a cigarette . He exhaled , and it sounded like wind in her ear . " I 'm on a bridge , " he said . " A good high one . And I 'm just about ready to jump . " He took another inhale . " And it looks like a long , long way down . " Carissa 's insides froze as he spoke . Part of her wanted to keep him on the line , to keep him talking . But she had no idea what to say to him , no idea what she could say to keep him from jumping . And if she should say the wrong thing ? If she said something that made him want to jump ? Her mind froze up , and throat closed . After a moment , he said , " You still there ? " She took a breath and had to try a couple of times . " Yes , " she said . " Of course I 'm still here . I β¦ I would β¦ " She swallowed , hard . " Sir , perhaps you have called the wrong hotline ? " This time his laugh sounded genuine , if still dark and bitter . " That was good , " he said . " Nice . " Another exhale . " No , " he said . " I called you and I wanted you . " " Well , then , " she said . " Tell me what I can do for you ? " All of her lines fled from her head . She knew what her psychic persona should ask him , but she couldn 't make it come out . Finally she settled on , " How can I help you ? " " Sir , " she said . " I 'm afraid I don 't understand . " Carissa reached down and grabbed her purse from the floor . " What do you think we did to you ? " She started rifling through her bag . There was a notebook and a pen in there somewhere , she was sure of it . She resisted the urge to sigh . That was always a favorite line whenever she tried to fish for information from people , and it was a hard one to get past sometimes . " Very well , " she said , laying on the accent a little thicker . " This is not the first time you have called us , " she said . The notebook was at the bottom of her bag , of course . She pulled it out and started looking for her pen . " One of our number has helped you in the past . " " Very good , Saturn Girl , " he said . Carissa didn 't get the reference , but she caught the tone . " And how do you think that turned out ? " She found the pen and quickly scribbled a note on a piece of paper . " You are troubled . " Guy on phone going to kill himself , she wrote . " Your problem remains unresolved . " What the hell do I do ? " You are searching for answers to a question you do not know how to ask . " She leaned over to Lizette , the girl who sat next to her , and slid the note onto her desk . " You wish to know - " " What I wish to know , " he said , " is where the hell you people get off ? " The anger in his voice was a good sign , at least from a psychic point of view . Angry people were less careful about what they said , more prone to letting information slip . She tapped the note , and Lizette waved her off . She was on a call of her own , and it looked interesting . He barked out a laugh again , and she could hear him lighting another cigarette . " A mirror darkly , " he said . " That 's a good one . You people steal my wife from me , my job , my friends , and all you can do is mis - quote the Bible at me . " " Advise ? " he said . " You people advised me that my wife was cheating on me with my best friend . You advised me that my boss was planning to get me fired . What the hell kind of advice is that ? " Carissa looked over at Lizette , who had just tapped her on the shoulder . She pointed at the note and mouthed , " Seriously ? " Carissa nodded , and Lizette started to write her own reply . " I am sure that it was advice given in good faith , " Carissa said . She took the paper from Lizette , who had written , Find out where in her loopy handwriting . Carissa gave her a thumbs - up , and Lizette got up from her station . That was a surefire method of getting a supervisor 's attention , and usually not in a good way . " In good faith , " the man said . " You mean you were making shit up . " His voice was getting tired again . The anger was draining away from it , and Carissa wasn 't sure what that meant . " You were just doing what you do - taking my three dollars per minute and pulling answers from your ass . " He sighed into the phone , and the hairs on the back of Carissa 's neck went up . " I should 've known better . " She could picture him . He sounded middle - aged , and the wife and job comment seemed to point that way . He smoked , and that gave her an image of a thinner , sallow man . Standing on a bridge , looking down on the water below . Probably wearing the clothes he woke up in that morning . The tips of his shoes - his sneakers - would be peeking over the edge , and the wind would be cold and wet . She wondered if there was anyone else on the bridge , and why no one had stopped to see if he was okay . It was only 10 : 30 , after all . There should be some traffic . She wrote on her pad , High bridge , little traffic ? - and passed it to Lizette , who was showing the original note to the floor manager . " Sir , " she said . " I understand you are upset . The waters of the future β¦ they can be treacherous . Even we who see can sometimes only see poorly . " She glanced up at the floor manager , who made a twirling motion with his finger over the note . More . " But no matter what we see or do not see , the future is ultimately up to the choices we make . And perhaps a lonely bridge in the middle of the night in your sweatpants is not the best choice right now ? " Carissa cringed a little . She always did when she guessed blindly like that . She wanted to say that he 'd given her all the clues . That her uncle had lost his job a year ago , and he was still on the couch , in sweats and a dirty t - shirt lamenting the unfairness of it all . That the caller was probably clinically depressed by now , and one of the features of depression was not caring for one 's appearance . She wanted to say that she had studied this kind of thing , that they 'd talked about it in class . That she 'd woven the image together out of guesswork and hope . Carissa smiled , and wasn 't sure if she was about to laugh or cry . " No , nothing like that , " she said . " But perhaps a friend ? " She gritted her teeth . " I feel that there is someone who can help you , but you feel unworthy of his help . You could call , but β¦ " " But I couldn 't , " he finished . His voice cracked again , and she thought he might be crying . After a little coaxing , he gave her a name and a phone number . She wrote them down . Carissa let her breath out slowly . " Thank you , Leonard , " she said . She handed the note to Lizette , who nodded and pulled out her cell phone . " We 'll call your friend for you . In the meantime , can you stay on the line with me ? Just so I know you 're okay ? " " I dunno , " he said . " At three dollars a minute β¦ " He laughed a moment before she did . She scrawled another note to the floor manager , who would probably be able to find the right person to get the charges fixed . She stayed on the phone with him for an hour , her accent fading as she talked . When his friend arrived , she let him go . " Good luck , Leonard , " she said . She pushed the white button on her phone , and dropped her head to her desk . Lizette and the floor manager and a few other people who had realized what was going on started applauding and patting her on the back for her work . Carissa got the rest of the night off after that . When the buzz had died down and the floor manager told everyone to get back to their phones , Carissa carefully put the photograph of her mother back in her purse , squeezed Lizette 's shoulder as she walked out , and left the call center . ZeffCon 2011 was packed . The Allenhurst Civic Center had been chosen because last year 's con couldn 't fit into the Eldewylde Hotel that had hosted it for the years previous . The con 's organizers were , of course , thrilled , since a bigger place meant more attention , more participants , and of course , bigger guests . Roger Tillman had grown to be one of the most popular new authors of fantasy and science fiction in the last ten years , and the competition to get tickets for the speech was fierce . If she hadn 't gotten in , Katrina would have had to approach him somewhere else in the con to pick his brains . As it was , she could do it from her fifth - row seat at her leisure . Her talents did come in handy sometimes . The man next to her had a song running through his head that was beginning to get on her nerves . She carefully blocked him out and focused on the large woman sitting next to her , who seemed desperately trying to think of an alternative to the only question she could think of to ask Tillman when he did his signing . Katrina dug a little deeper - " Where do you get your ideas ? " She sighed and pulled out of the woman 's head . The first time she 'd done it was at a convention in San Diego fifteen years ago . She met a middling mystery author there , whose sales were slumping . While Katrina poured on the praise for the woman 's books , she took her first peek into the depths of an author 's mind . She 'd always been a " peeker , " as she called herself , ever since she started to hear what people were thinking back when she was a little girl . She couldn 't help herself back then - she was curious , and people were just loud . But as she got older , she got better at going in and finding what she wanted . She found it really useful for remembering names , for one , and it made her sales job at the time a lot easier to do . What she really wanted to do , though , was write . Ever since high school , she 'd tried writing short stories and novels , and what she came up with were stories that she ended up hiding in a drawer and forgetting about . Her ideas , she thought , weren 't any good . What she needed , then , were good ideas . And what better place to find them than in the heads of people who 'd proven they could write ? In the end , though , she found it much less exotic than she 'd thought . This author had her ideas cluttered about like a musty basement . Dull plots and half - formed characters , a title or a first line or two . Things she was probably working on but wasn 't ready to publish yet . Works in progress and works that would probably never get finished . This woman 's mind was a mess . Katrina looked a little deeper , into the shadows of the woman 's mind , and it was there that she found what she would look for in every writer 's mind afterward . She found the seed of an idea . The grain of sand that would make a pearl , given time and effort . Katrina turned the idea over in her hands and examined it . There was something there about a house where a child was kept in the basement β¦ a father who pretended she wasn 't his β¦ a boy next door ? It would do . Katrina took the idea back with her and retreated back into her own mind . She thanked the author for her time and her signature and headed back to her hotel room . A few hours later and she had the book plotted out in her head . Just the rough outline , with a few important steps to it , but it was there . A few months of work and she 'd produced her first novel , Groundling Child , which was published a year to the day after her meeting at the convention . She 'd published it under a pseudonym - Paula Grant - just in case the original author came looking for her . But she never did . As far as Katrina could tell , she never knew that the idea had been stolen at all . Emboldened , Katrina started visiting more cons and meeting more authors . Each time , she found a seed , a germ of a story idea and took it back with her . Before she knew it , she was writing every day , and selling one or two books a year , in addition to short stories . The critics didn 't rave , but people bought them and within a few years she could go to any airport bookstore and see some Paula Grant novels on the shelves . If she had time , and the clerk was busy , she would stealth - sign them . They usually showed up on internet auction sites and got a good price , since the elusive author had never appeared publicly to promote her books . But where Paula was something of a mystery , Katrina had become a familiar face at conventions around the country . Anywhere a famous author would show up , Katrina would be there . If she could , she 'd even volunteer so that she 'd have an even better chance at getting a face - to - face meeting . This time , though , she 'd had to settle for just being a member of the audience . The lights dimmed , and one of the con 's organizers came out to say how honored they were to have the world famous fantasy / science fiction giant speak at their convention . " Ladies and Gentlemen : Roger Tillman ! " The audience went crazy , of course . Some people already had copies of his latest book in hardcover and were waving them in the air as he came to the stage and waited out the applause . " Thank you , " he said . " Thank you . " He said it a few more times before the crowd calmed down . " Wow , " he said . " I never expected such a reception . They told me that ZeffCon crowds were the best , and I guess they were right . " Katrina screened out everyone around her . The fat woman was just thinking , Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod over and over again . Shutting her out was like pressing against a wind - blown door , but Katrina managed to do it . She wanted peace and quiet in her head before she went into his . The speech would give her more than enough time to look around , poke into the dark corners and see what she could find . Nobody ever seemed to notice her rifling through their mind , and time seemed to go differently in there as it was . He was telling some story about how he got started , but Katrina just let it wash over her . She concentrated on a point just between his eyebrows , past the steel - rimmed glasses he was wearing . And she pushed . She recoiled back into her own mind and looked up at him with wide eyes . He seemed to have recovered from his verbal stumble and was back to talking about his high school English teacher , but she knew - she knew that he had felt her go in . And she was pretty sure he knew who she was . Katrina picked up her jacket and whispered , " Excuse me " as she moved past the other convention - goers . The looks they gave her were anywhere from shocked to annoyed , and if she was listening she would have heard them think some very nasty thoughts . But she 'd closed all the doors and windows , as it were , and got out of the main hall as fast as she could . The rest of the con was sparsely attended during the keynote . She made her way to the art room before she found a place to sit down and gather her thoughts and figure out her options . It had been dark in that hall . He probably didn 't get a good look at her face , and so he probably wouldn 't be able to pick her out of a crowd by sight . But if he was anything like her , he might not need to see her . He might be able to find her no matter where she went . She started going through her bag to find her hotel key when she felt a certain β¦ pressure coming towards her . It was like a noise , but not a noise . Like a wave that was coming in from far away when you went to the beach , but not quite that either . It was the way the wind changed before a storm or a song started to build before it reached a crescendo . By the time she realized what it was , it was too late . When he saw her , he grinned , and that beacon switched off instantly . The feeling of pressure vanished , and Katrina put a hand to her head . He stopped a few steps away . " Wow , " he said . He was smiling madly and couldn 't seem to keep still . " Just β¦ wow . " He jerked a thumb over his shoulder . " I had to say that I wasn 't feeling well and cut the speech short , but I assured them they loved what they 'd heard . " He tapped his temple and winked . " It 's just that β¦ " His voice dropped to a whisper , and this handsome man looked like a kid for a moment . " It 's just that I 've never met anyone like me before . I couldn 't let you get away . " He reached out for her , but she shrank back . " Thank you , " she said . " But I really didn 't mean to β¦ do that . I just wanted to β¦ " She couldn 't finish the sentence . She shook her head . " No , " she said . " No , I 've never met anyone either . " She didn 't dare look him in the eye , for fear that she 'd reveal what she was trying to do . She 'd read his books and loved them , and idea - borrowing aside , she looked up to him as a fellow writer . No . As a writer . There was no " fellow " about it , of that she was sure . She was pretty certain that he didn 't pluck ideas out of people 's heads , and that would make all the difference . " I have to go , " she said . She picked up her bag and tried to smile . " It was very nice meeting you , Mr . Tillman . I β¦ I have to go . " She turned to leave , and that 's when she felt his hand on her shoulder . She was running through a forest . It was deep and dark , and the bundle in her arms was moving . " Hush , " she said to it . She leaped with long , strong legs over fallen trees , and the wind rushed through her hair . There was no other sound but her footsteps and her breathing . She couldn 't see him , but she knew he was chasing . He was a force unto himself , tearing the great trees out by the roots as he pursued her . Great vines spiraled down from the trees , and she had to slice through them with her dagger before they could grab hold . She held the bundle tightly to her chest as she jumped across a chasm that opened up in front of her , curled up in a ball to fly through a wall of flame , and rolled back to her feet on the sand - swept desert floor . Spikes of stone and brick shot up around her , blocking her path . A great whirlwind dropped from the swirling clouds overhead and moved as she moved . From behind , she could hear him . " Never ! " she screamed , and she held the squirming bundle close . " You can 't have it ! " Iron chains erupted from the ground , wrapping around her legs , her arms , her shoulders , and dragging her down . She held on as tightly as she could , but when he came close , it was a matter of only a moment before her treasure was revealed to him . It was wrapped in rotting cloth , stained and fouled from years of use . Inside was the dried , rotted corpse of an infant , long dead . Its skin was gray and flaking away , its eyes dark hollows in a fragile skull . Beetles crawled across it and onto her fingers . She screamed and dropped the dead thing to the ground , where it exploded in a puff of dust . Her heart full of rage , she looked up at the man silhouetted by a giant and angry sun and - Roger took his hand away and looked shocked when she spun on him . She glared through tear - filled eyes and then looked away . There was a small crowd gathering . " Wait , " he said quietly . " That 's it ? " He started to smile , but the tears running down her face were enough to set him straight again . " Katrina - Paula , that 's your big secret ? " He took a step back , and this time he did smile . " Katrina , I bought two of your books in the airport to read on my trip . " She glanced up at him . " Seriously - they 're in my bag right now . " He took her hand in his , and she flinched . Nothing else happened , though . " They 're really good , Katrina . " " No ! " She pulled her hands away and dropped her voice to a whisper . " I found those ideas in other people 's heads . I went in and I took them and I wrote some books . " She wiped her eyes . " But they 're not really mine . " Roger turned around and leaned against the wall . " Katrina , " he said . " Ideas are β¦ " He wave a hand in the air . " Ideas are a dime a dozen . People have ideas all the time , and they ignore them or throw them away or let them fade . Any schmuck can have an idea . " He stood up straight and looked her in the eyes . " What makes you a writer is what you do with the ideas . You did the hard work . You put in the time and the energy to write them . You figured out the characters and papered over the plot holes and wrote and re - wrote . " He chuckled . " Believe me , I know what it takes to put a book out , and I know you did the grunt work . " " Look , " he said . " I get ideas from all over the place . A word on the street , a phrase in a song , a weird sign or a guy in a restaurant or just some bizarre combination of thoughts . That doesn 't mean they aren 't mine , and it doesn 't mean the stories I write aren 't mine either . " He shrugged . " Okay , so what you 're doing might not be the most ethical thing in the world , true . But I 'll tell you this : the woman who wrote those books can get her ideas from anywhere she wants , as far as I 'm concerned . " He laughed . " Who would believe me ? However , " he said after a pause , " it might make a good short story . " He winked . She smiled , despite herself . She lifted a hand to wave . See you . The crowd followed him out of the art room , a few people lingering to see who this woman might be that had caught his interest . Katrina smiled at them and took up her bag . Adam refilled his date 's wine and took a moment to notice how lovely she looked in the low lighting of the restaurant . She had curves to her , which he loved , and skin that seemed to glow in candlelight . Her eyes were as dark as her long , curling hair , and she always seemed to be waiting for the punchline to a joke that he didn 't know . Carlana grinned around the rim of the glass . " Ah . " She put it down and leaned forward . " But what you do not know is that I have spent years building up an immunity to iocane powder . " Their laughter drew attention from the other tables , but they didn 't notice . They were having too much fun . His brother had set them up together after Adam had gone through a long spell of being single . He hadn 't minded , really . Being single had its perks . The free schedule , the lack of a need to clean all the time or close the door when he peed . But after a while the quiet and the solitude had gotten to him , so he 'd asked Marv if he knew anyone . The result was what was turning out to be the best first date he 'd ever had . She shrugged . " No more than any other job , really . There are some tough days , and it can be a little much being The Girl sometimes β¦ " He could hear the capital letters she put on it and could only imagine . He worked at a small bookstore , and was the only guy there . But other than being the one person who seemed to be able to get heavy things off of high shelves , he hadn 't really noticed any kind of strangeness to it . He knew some gamers , though , and he could easily picture how they 'd devolve around a gorgeous woman like this . She put her glass down . " Oh , you 're not one of those , are you ? " He almost thought she was serious for a moment . " Because if you are , then I think we 're done here . " " No , no , no , " he said . " I assure you . I figure them all out on my own , bleeding from the eyes or no . " There was a small blue panda bear hovering about a foot above his head . He reached up and grabbed it by the neck , dragging it down in front of his face . " Shut up ! " he whispered . " I am trying to have a date ! " Adam wanted to scream . " That 's the kind of advice I really don 't need right now ! " He let the bear go , and it hovered just out of arm 's reach . " You do that , and there 's pressure on me . There 's pressure on me , and I start to get nervous and nobody 's getting anything ! " He had to drop his voice back down to a hoarse whisper . " Got it ? " " Kid , I 'm your spirit guide . I know everything you need to know , and I 'm telling you - she 's ready to go . " The panda spun to face him and made little thrusting jabs with its hips . " You play it right and you can leave that porno folder closed for once . " Adam leaned his head against the tiles and counted his breaths . He 'd had the panda for a few months now , and the fun of it was starting to wear thin . He had no idea where it came from , or why it chose him , but from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep - and as far as he knew , all night - this little blue panda was there . Telling him what he should do in all kinds of situations . Talking to his boss , buying furniture , walking around the city . The bear didn 't always talk - most of the time it just hung out , doing whatever it was spirit guides did when they weren 't guiding . When it did talk , though , it was pretty insistent on getting its way . The bear shrugged . " Well , yeah . Fine . But it 's my job to offer advice , so that 's what I 'm gonna do . " It tapped its wrist . " She 's probably wondering where you are , by the way . Every minute you spend arguing with me is a five percent decrease in your chances of doing the nasty anytime soon . " " See ? That 's the kind of thing I 'm talking about ! " Adam 's words were coming out in a hoarse rush . " I 'm gonna go out there , and have a nice time with a lovely girl , and if anything happens , then it happens and if it doesn 't then it doesn 't and I don 't need you or anyone else nagging me about it . Okay ? " He jabbed the flush button for the toilet . " Now shut . The hell . Up ! " Adam took a deep breath and forced on a smile . " First date jitters , " he said . " Nothing to it . " He took his hands out of the sink and let the water shut off . The desert lowland was full of cars , stacked on on top of the other . Some of the stacks were of only a few cars , others more . Their flaking paint and broken windows gleamed in the setting sun . A disordered pile of cars shifted and lurched , and a late - model Tulay pickup lifted out of the mess and started to float over to a tall stack of cars nearby . This stack was fifteen cars high already , and swaying dangerously . Broken glass and metal littered the site around it , as well as cars that had been destroyed beyond recognition . The pickup floated slowly to the top of the stack , where it paused and then very gently settled down on top . In a tent set up some distance away , a girl with long , braided red hair collapsed into a folding chair to the applause of the men in suits gathered around her . One of them gave her a cup of water , which she swallowed immediately , and then gave her another . She was sweating and slouched in the chair taking deep , heaving breaths with her eyes closed , but under the exhaustion , there was a definitely look of accomplishment on her face . The man who gave her the water put a hand on her shoulder . " Great work , Carly , " he said . " I mean it . Really good . " She opened her eyes and smiled up at him . " I didn 't think I was going to make that last one , Martin " she said . " I seriously thought the whole thing was going to come down . Again . " " Well , you did a fine job . You should be proud . " He patted her on the shoulder again and then left to talk to some of the men in suits . They let her sit there for a while . She looked out at the sunset while she caught her breath and felt the warm glow of achievement . True , stacking cars wasn 't the most complicated thing she 'd had to do , but they 'd set her at it all day . Two cars , three cars , five β¦ As many as she could . Martin had said this was a test that the facilities administrators had come up with , but he couldn 't exactly explain what it was they were testing . In the end , all she could do was shrug and stack the cars . She tried not to think of home too much , if she could . She had been training at this facility now for , what was it ? Five years ? Six ? She knew why , too . They told her almost every day . It was vital that she be able to control her powers . That she not hurt anyone else ever again . That she not kill anyone else ever again . That still got to her . She 'd never meant to kill anyone . Not ever . But they told her that she did . And not just a few , either . The number was enough to make her stomach clench and steel her resolve . She would train as hard has she had to , as long as she had to , as long as it meant that she wouldn 't be a danger to anyone . If that meant stacking cars in the desert all day , then so be it . But still β¦ she was starting to forget things from home . Her mother 's face . She wondered what her little brother was doing , if he was in high school yet . That reminded her that she would have graduated by now . Her friends were probably all in college . Some place she 'd never go . Somehow , she thought " trained for five years in a government facility out in the desert " wouldn 't look good on her admissions paperwork . They took down the tent and folded up the chairs and decided to leave the cars where they were for the moment . Carly figured that her next task would probably be taking them down again , and maybe taking them apart . Or crushing them into little balls . Or making sculptures out of them . She never knew what the next test would be , and Martin confided in her once that he didn 't know either . He just got the framework in his email every night and had until morning to make sure he knew what she was supposed to do . After a short ride back to the facility , all Carly wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed . No matter how it looked , lifting cars with your mind all day was tough , tiring work . But it certainly was better than she could have done even a year ago , and that in itself was something to be proud of . One of the staff , a young man in over - large glasses , met her when she got off the mini - bus . " Miss Siminsky ? " he said . " Deputy Director Stassi would like to see you . " She sighed . So much for shower and bed . " All right , " she said . She followed the young man . She 'd only met the Deputy Director a few times , and she didn 't like him much . He talked to her like she was a bomb that was about to go off . A slightly stupid bomb , at that . But he was the connection to the outside world that she 'd need to get out someday . He worked with the Secretary of National Security , and if anyone could get her home it would be him . She closed the door of the office behind her , and Director Stassi stood up behind his desk . " Miss Siminsky , " he said with a broad smile on his face . His eyes darted to the corner of the office where a camera had been installed , and it ruined the attitude . " Thank you for coming . Please , have a seat . " Director Stassi sat behind the desk . He was sweating slightly , but she took no notice of it . " Miss Siminsky , " he said , " I heard about your performance this afternoon . I must say that I 'm very impressed , and I 'm sure the Secretary will be just as thrilled as I was . " His smile had too many teeth in it . His smile slipped a little and he cleared his throat . " Um . I have just a one thing to go over with you and I 'll let you go . But , um . I 'm afraid it 's a bit of bad news . " That caught her attention , and she sat up straight . A dozen different scenarios unspooled in her head , each of them worse than the last . " What is it ? " she said . She noticed the pictures on the wall behind the Director start to shake and she willed them to stop before he realized what was going on . Director Stassi folded his hands in front of him . " Miss Siminsky , I know you 've been asking about when you can β¦ you can go home . " He ran a hand through his hair , and then tried to rub the sweat off on his jacket sleeve . If he was trying to look calm , he was failing utterly . " I hate to be the one to break it to you , Miss Siminsky , I really do . And I hope you understand that I 'm just the messenger here β¦ " " You killed a lot of people , Miss Siminsky , " he said . " And you terrified a lot more . " He took a deep breath . " Including your mother . " He stood up as well , and took a small black voice recorder out of his jacket pocket . " To be frank , Miss Siminsky , your mother is β¦ afraid of what you might do if you come home . We tried to reassure her that you were getting better , that you were gaining control , but β¦ " He put the voice recorder on the desk . " This is what she said to us . " He pressed play . A voice came out , muffled by traveling along a phone signal , but unmistakably her mother 's voice . " My daughter is a monster , " she said , " and I hate to think what she could do if she was free . Keep her away from everyone . Keep her away from me and my family . " Director Stassi 's hand shook as he picked up the voice recorder and it crumbled in his hand . He looked up sharply at Carly , and then slammed against the wall . " Carly ! " he yelled in a strained voice . " Please , Carly let me - " His voice choked off and his eyes went wide as he pressed against the wall . His ribs popped and cracked and blood began to run out of his mouth and nose . Bruises blossomed on his skin as blood vessels burst , shards of bone began to jab out , slicking through his suit , and his whole body started to flatten out . His skull made a great cracking sound as it shattered , blood and brains bursting out around him . Carly let him fall to the floor , and she turned slowly in the air in the middle of the room . The walls started to shake , and cracks burst open in the floor and the walls . The lights went out and sparks began to fly from broken electrical cables , and Carly raised her hands in front of her . Her senses stretched out around her . She felt the walls and the floors of the facility , a labyrinthine structure that extended deep into the desert . She felt as though she was in every place at once , all the rooms and all the walls , and if she just clenched her fists then the place would crumble . Everyone in this viper 's nest would die , and then she would be free . If that was what it took , then - The pump they 'd implanted under her skin vibrated as it dumped sedative into her bloodstream . Carly screamed in rage and frustration as she felt the drug take hold , and the office walls exploded around her , splinters flying like lethal missiles . None of which touched her . She dropped to the floor as the shaking stopped , and she wept . Her hands were clean against the filthy , broken floor , until a small rivulet of blood made its way to her littlest finger . She tried to pull her hand away , but she couldn 't find the energy . She heard shouting , but it was from so far away that she didn 't care anymore . All she could do was slump to the floor and cry . When Carly woke up , she was in her bed . In restraints . She still felt β¦ fuzzy around the edges . The pump in her side vibrated once , and she closed her eyes again . When she did , the mangled body of Director Stassi was in front of her , slowly being crushed by a force he couldn 't see and couldn 't understand . A while later , Martin came into the room , and she tried to sit up . " No , " he said . " Don 't do that . The restraints won 't β¦ " He grimaced . " Just relax . " He had the clipboard he always carried , but he didn 't look at it . He just stared at her for a while before he said , " How are you feeling ? " He nodded . " Yeah . " She squeezed her eyes shut and took a few deep breaths . " Don 't worry , " he said . " They understand you were β¦ upset . " Martin sat in the chair by her bedside and took her hand . " Carly , I am so , so sorry . I can 't begin to imagine β¦ " This time he did look at his clipboard . " Well , we 're letting you have a break for a while . To , um . Process . " He flipped a sheet over . " You 'll have a counselor come to see you in about half an hour . Ms . Hilbert . " He looked over at her and smiled , but it didn 't have much effect . " She 's really nice . You 'll like her . " Martin looked at his printouts again . " And we 're going to set you to work on some more precision tasks later . When you 're β¦ when you 're ready . " Carly didn 't move . She didn 't nod . She didn 't say anything . After a minute or two , Martin excused himself and left the room , closing the door quietly . There was an emptiness in her mind . A greyness . A dull hum that blocked out other sounds . She just stared at the wall across from her , and every time a thought came to her mind , she shoved it away . Finally , though , there was one thought that she couldn 't keep down . It ran through her head , a single loop over and over again . We got a great deal for it , too . Even in this day and age , people have a thing about buying a house where - allegedly - the dead still walk and unquiet spirits roam free to terrorize the living . A good haunting knocks at least ten percent off the list price . More if it was due to something particularly gruesome . I certainly wouldn 't make light of it . That kind of crime is β¦ well , it 's unthinkable . In this city , his name is pretty much the go - to name for parental horror . Fourteen kids . He buried thirteen of them in the basement floor . The story goes that after the police raided the house , killing Heckle in a shootout , one of the officers found boy number fourteen . It 's said that the cop was so horrified by what he saw that he put a bullet in the kid 's head right before he put one in his own . So yeah , this house has a history , and our agent tried to steer us away from it good and hard . But let 's face facts here . Hardwood floors aren 't easy to come by , and for all his horror , Heckle kept the place in great condition . Even after all these years , it doesn 't need nearly as much work as some of the other places we looked at . But here 's the thing : there 's no such thing as ghosts . There 's no such thing as a permanent evil stain that resides in a place after the perpetrator is gone . Bloodstains , yes , but those were ripped out by one of the previous owners . But Ari and I were very firm on this when the broker brought it up , when the neighbors came around to welcome us to the neighborhood , when our parents called because they 'd found out where we were living : there were no such thing as ghosts , and there was nothing there except the two of us . We were , of course , wrong . But I 've always said that 's the hallmark of a true skeptical thinker : when presented with evidence that inescapably , undeniably disproves your position , you have to abandon it and take up another . It just took us a while to figure it out . " Huh , " he said . " There were wet footprints all over the bathroom . I thought that maybe you β¦ " He stopped in the middle of his thought and then shrugged . " Probably nothing , " he said . It was pretty textbook , really . Doors would close that we had left opened . I 'd come downstairs and all the drawers in the kitchen would be sticking out . The TV would turn on in the middle of the night . And we had logical , rational reasons for each and every one of those occurrences . If it wasn 't the house settling or warped wood or a short circuit , it was probably just our own faulty memory leading us down the garden path . To our credit , neither one of us even thought about blaming a ghost . She was supposed to stay for a week while she visited some friends in the city . She lasted very nearly twenty - four hours . As she threw her things back into a suitcase the morning after she arrived , she said , " I will not stay in this house a moment longer than I have to . " She spun at me and pointed an accusing finger at me . " And neither should you ! " Her eyes rolled from one corner of the room to the other . " There 's evil in this house , Savannah . I saw it with my own eyes . " I sat on the bed . " Really , mom ? " I asked . I tried very hard to keep a condescending tone out of my voice , but judging by her narrowed eyes I was pretty sure I failed . " I woke up in the middle of the night , " she said . " I heard something that sounded like crying . So I got up , and right there - " She pointed to a space next to the bedroom door . " Right there , as clear as I see you , Savannah , I saw a little boy . He was curled up in a ball and crying . " Her eyes started to shine , and that 's when I started to get worried . My mother has always been a paragon of self - restraint , and for her to get emotional like this would take a lot . Ghost or no ghost , she thought she saw something , and it really disturbed her . She went back to the suitcase and snapped it shut . " That sounds fine , " she said . " But I want you and Ari to get out of here . This is not a good place to raise a family , Savannah . " I very nearly rose to that argument , which was an old one . I wanted to have kids , but I just didn 't think we were in a good enough position to raise any . Ari 's teaching salary was low enough , and I wasn 't making a whole lot as a copy editor for an ad company . We had decided to put off having children until we were sure we could take care of them , and that didn 't look like it was going to happen anytime soon . No matter what my mother wanted . Pretty soon , the strange became the normal . There were no bleeding walls or portals to hell in the closets . Just little things - a toothbrush out of place one morning , all my clothes off hangars the next . Nothing dangerous , but a lot of minor annoyances that we learned to deal with . And we never , not so much as once , blamed it on ghosts . We were enlightened people , after all . It was during Thursday night TV . Ari and I were on the sofa , as usual . He was grading essays , I was watching a police drama when the TV snapped off , as did the lights . " Aw , hell , " he said . He handed me the essays , got up , and headed to the kitchen . He came back a few moments later with a couple of flashlights and his cell phone . " It 's always something , " he said . He called the power company , and they said they 'd look into it , but they hadn 't gotten any other reports of a power outage . Indeed , when I looked outside , all the other houses seemed fine . He was naked and white and glowing . Dark hair nearly covered eyes that looked blankly out of a face that seemed to be observing Ari with curiosity as my husband graded essays by flashlight . I hate to say it , because it makes me sound like a character in a bad horror movie - I screamed . Ari jumped up , dropping the essays on the floor , and when he saw me and looked where I was looking , he screamed too . We stood there , holding each other , yelling over and over again wordless syllables of horror and shock . This boy - this thing - was in our house . What was worse , if he was what we thought he was , then he was proof that all we thought we knew was a lie . A few minutes later , the ghost was actually looking bored . He leaned up against the sofa , his chin in his hands and his blank eyes on us . We were terrified , unable to move . Nothing we had ever experienced had prepared us for something like this . The boy sighed , and walked through the sofa , which made me feel sick to my stomach just to watched . Then , casually , he sat down . It was hard to tell , but he looked about eleven or twelve , but of course was probably much older , if such a concept applied to things like him . " Look , " he said . " If you 're going to just stand there and freak out , this is going to be a long night . So why don 't you take a seat and we can talk . " He patted the sofa cushion next to him . I wish I could say that I drew myself up and faced my fear . That I put reason over emotion and vowed to face this thing head - on , whether it was a ghost or something entirely different . I wish I could say that I was brave . The boy sitting on the edge of my bed was like the first one , only a little heavier . He was tapping his foot against the floor and had a look of impatience on his face . He stood up and came towards me , and I backed up against the bedroom door . A few feet away , he stopped , put his hands on his hips and said , " So . You gonna help us , or what ? " RT @ calamityjon : Here we go - - let 's get Jack Kirby a Google Doodle for his centennial on August 28 . Write in and spread the word ! # doodlef β¦ 7 hours ago |
Chris turned the door handle and eased it shut to keep out the wind and cold . There was no reason to be quiet , because there was nothing else that cared about the sound , but there was something about the silence that comforted him . Loud noises scared him . He turned to face the room he had just entered . Light struggled in through a window mottled with dust and ash . A couch sat facing an immaculate TV , the cushions riddled with holes from small insects looking for a warm home at night . There was nothing of value in this room . He walked into the next room , a small foyer where two pairs of shoes sat next to each other under some shelves . He passed into the next room . The yellow walls were nearly grey with a thick layer of dust and ash , and the floors were so caked with it that he couldn 't tell if they were wood or carpet . The wall opposite the door he entered was shedding its wallpaper like a reptile , and it was splotched brown and black . The bed below it was also cloaked in a thick layer of dust , but there was something big on it . He gently stepped through the detritus on the floor to the side of the bed . He reached down and began brushing the soot off of it with his sleeve . He saw two pairs of feet , two legs - bodies . He didn 't want to touch the faces so he leaned over and blew on them . The dust swirled around and got on his scarf and in his hair , but he saw what was beneath it . Two faces , one missing a jawbone and one with a hole in the side of its head . Both preserved , both missing eyeballs and both angled in towards each other . Their white skin was painted black with old blood . In between them lay a pistol , waiting to kill again . When Chris had first woken up , he awoke with a startle . He couldn 't move , and the glass in front of him was covered in so much grime that he couldn 't see anything . He struggled and struggled but he could hardly lift his arms . He tried to bring his head up , but he could barely do that , either . He felt pain in his elbows and realized there was something in his veins . He tried toChris looked at the bodies in the room a while longer . He could tell they were women , but nothing else . They could have been mother and daughter , sisters , lovers , friends β¦ They might have been doctors or athletes or the grill cooks at the McDonald 's in the nearby mountain town . But what destroyed humanity had made them to want to die . Chris understood it , but he didn 't . He was the last one . He felt rare when looking at all this death , like some mystical creature , and he needed to be preserved . He walked out of the room and through the next door , which led into the kitchen . He walked over the bubbling linoleum to the refrigerator , and tugged on the handle until the door swung open with a snap . In the unlit space was a collection of things too shriveled with age to be recognized . Chris brushed these out of the way and peered into the back . Several cans sat in a cluster , their labels so old that they showed only faint stains of what they once depicted . He grabbed these and put them in his bag . He would find out their contents later . Chris walked softly out of the house and into the cold . After Chris had first come out of hibernation , he had crawled up the staircase and into this grim hell . He sat at the top of the stairs for a while , looking through the doorway at the winds sweeping soot and embers over dirt that blistered and peeled for lack of water . The sun was muted by dull clouds and did little to warm Chris 's bony body . After a while he stumbled into the cold and began wandering , determined to find clothes , food , water , all of the things he needed . He came to a forest ; what had been one , anyway . Black and gray trees lay on top of each other like a mass grave , with not a single leaf to be found . Here and there , a solitary tree stood still , its base too swollen with bulbous growths to let the tree fall . A pain punched his stomach like a sledgehammer , and he dropped to the hard dirt at his feet seeing double images . He tried to scream but all that came out was a raspy squeal . Suddenly he was not seeing what was in front of him , but - Honey will you marry me - do you take this woman to be your - Chris , I 'm pregnant - I love you - Images of Chris and a woman sifted through his consciousness as his body started to convulse . It couldn 't be him , he 'd just woken up from hibernation , it must have been the man he was cloned from - when will you pick Sammie up from daycare - I love you - some day all of this will be gone - I love you - I love you β¦ Chris twisted on the frozen earth as he saw his predecessor 's life . He cried and curled into a ball , wanting the images stop , and he lay there sobbing and hugging his pointy knees to his shivering chin . All of these experiences were ones he 'd never have . He 'd have dead forests , naked wastelands , a strangled sun and himself , himself just an imperfect , broken copy of a human . Chris pulled himself out of the dirt , and pulled the frozen tears from his face . He tried to forget what he 'd never have . He staggered through these trees for a while , wondering who would want to live in a world like this when he came onto a small pond crOlivia had awoken into a world of gray . She was tethered to the insides of her coffin . She freed her body and pushed the lid of her casket up and put herself on her feet . Lazy light fell upon her from above , marking every dust mote on its frantic journey through the center of the room . Olivia tried to stand and walk towards the door in front of her , but she only stumbled forward and caught herself on the doorframe . She stayed there panting as her vision blurred , and waited for the rush of blood to her head to subside . She pushed the door in front of her open . In front of her was a pedestal lit from above with light . The air in the room was still and felt ancient . On the pedestal sat a green book and a dark red book . She lifted the small scarlet book and sat against the pedestal . The book told her that she was Olivia , and she was a clone . She would only be awoken if something horrible had happened to humankind , and she now had the choice to restart the human race , but only if she felt it was safe . All she had to do was revive her male counterpart in the room adjacent hers . Olivia looked on the other side of the pedestal at the door , and stood to hobble over to it . She opened it and found a room identical to the one she had come to life in . She studied the coffin in the center , covered in soot . She didn 't even look inside of it , and only pushed a green button on the side . Olivia climbed out of the small bunker , rosy book in hand . She entered a violent storm . Chris never went more than a few dozen miles from where he had awoken ; he didn 't have enough supplies to allow excursions that far away , and he figured that if his female companion - to - be was still alive , she 'd not stray too far away either . He found a small cabin crouched against a steep rock face , surrounded by dead forest , and he had chosen this as his home . Inside the cabin was a bed , a small fireplace , some furniture , a healthy supply of canned food , and a small collection of books and magazines , which were some of the only forms of entertainment he hDear visitor , please come in and help yourself to some food until I get back . We have much to talk about ! Cheers , Christian To his knowledge , no one had ever entered his house while he was gone . Chris was always at least a little excited to get home , and his heart would skip a beat when he opened his door at the thought of the woman waiting there for him . Something told him it might never happen . As he wandered , he would search the buildings he came across for food and other useful materials . He 'd find these sometimes . He 'd find lots of bodies . Lots of suicides . Sometimes what looked like homicides . He had lost any fear of seeing dead bodies . In fact , he had touched some of them : when he saw a piece of jewelry winking at him through the layers of filthy slag , he would often take it off of the body and put it in his pocket . In a previous time it might have been grave robbing , but there was no one to care now . He did it for different reasons than greed , too : he would take these home and pin them to a map of the area he had found in a gas station , each item where he had found it . Some of the small mountain towns nearby were marked by huge clusters of jewelry on the map . Parts of it looked like a mosaic , with emeralds and lots of diamonds and turquoise and gold . His favorite - a lapis lazuli - hung in a solitary position , near a small lake in the foothills not far from his cabin . It was a man 's wedding band . Now it sat as a small halo in the center of the new world . Christian had traveled nearly 40 miles away from the cabin into the desert when he heard a gunshot . He heard it and froze in disbelief ; a smirk edged across his lips , and he began walking towards where he thought it came from . The sand grabbed at his feet , slowing him down , but he walked faster and faster towards the dead forest to the north of him . He had never seen another living person , and only a person can fire a gun . His voice was hoarse and fumbling from years of little use . He began talking to himself , hearing how it sounded , and trying to form words . It was not as deep as he thought it would be . " Hello , my name is Christian , " he began , sounding like a pubescent boy . He kept trotting and eyed the clouds roiling on the horizon . " What 's your name ? " he asked and then laughed . This could be her . His twin of sorts . He would begin shouting once he got closer . He was only half a mile away , maybe less . " I have a cabin southwest of here , with a fireplace and some beds , " he proclaimed . " A fireplace β¦ and some beds . " It all sounded so funny to him , like it was too loud . As he got closer , Chris began yelling . " HELLO ? " His heart thumped against his body from the jog and the thought of finding someone to talk to . He was lonely . He played games of UNO with himself when he was at home . He needed a partner . " I ' M HERE FOR YOU ! " He yelled . " PLEASE COME TO ME ! " He reached the first few trees and began to clamor over them . There was a small rocky hill above him , and he pulled himself to the top while he continued shouting . " I ' M RIGHT OVER HERE ! MY NAME IS CHRISTIAN AND I HAVE A CABIN FOR YOU ! " Chris reached the highest point of the weathered rocks and looked at the scenery around him ; many similar rocky hills splayed out in front of him , except they were much larger . The area in between was carpeted with decrepit trees and a matted , dry grass and several black pools like the one he had tried to kill himself in . He could just barely see a gray hart hopping over trees around the side of a Olivia found a small cabin when she came out of hibernation . The tempest she struggled through obscured the foothills around her , but she knew she had entered the mountains when the winds subsided slightly and she had to climb and hike up the rocky hills . After that it wasn 't long until she discovered the cabin , with brown log siding and a black SUV parked in the driveway . Her body couldn 't take anymore when she tugged on the door handle . Her fingers were so cold they wouldn 't even move . She managed to open it and walked inside , more afraid of the tumult outside than whatever could be inside . The cabin was small but cozy , although it looked like someone had thrown things around . Clothes lay on the floor and couch and chairs here and there , and several fire logs had spilled from the fireplace in the center of the living room . Olivia gathered some of the clothes and found that they were a woman 's ; she put them on as she tried to call for help , but all that came out was a hoarse whisper . She heard no one , and sighed in relief as her bare skin was shielded from at least the wind . Olivia walked through the house gathering clothes , putting on whatever she could and putting whatever she couldn 't inside a backpack that rested against the couch . In the kitchen she found a few snack bars and other foods , and she put these in the backpack too . She entered one of the two other doors in the cabin . On the bed she saw laid a body , rotted and deformed ; a noose was loosely wrapped around its neck , the end cut . She fell backwards in her hurry to leave , and as she lay on her back in the main room , she saw a piece of rope tied around the rafters directly above her . She rolled to the side and heaved and heaved , spitting up clear bile on the rugs beneath her . She grabbed the backpack from where she fell and staggered out of the house . Olivia never stayed in another house for more than a week . Death scared her . The Fat Man that was dropped on Nagasaki on August 9th , 1945 , weighed 10 , 213 pounds and was 10 . 7 feet long . It kille " MY NAME IS CHRISTIAN ! " he shouted again as he jumped down the rocks towards her . He didn 't even think to keep his pistol in his pocket . Didn 't even cross his mind . They drew nearer , he skipping and she prowling to meet each other near a slowly churning , inky pool of black water . Her black hair spilled from under a brown beanie and the wind wrapped it under her face . Her long black coat waved in the wind and her pale skin wasn 't even flush with the cold . She pulled her gun up and pointed it at his face . Chris stopped so fast he nearly fell down and his smirk disappeared . They said nothing . " Who are you ? " she finally called from across the pool . " I 'm Chris , " he shouted . " What are you doing ? " " I heard a gunshot and - are you a clone ? " " What ? " " Are you a clone ? " " What the fuck is that supposed to mean ? " She lowered the gun slightly , and the left side of her face tensed and went slack again . A tic . " Never mind . Who are you ? " She thought about it , and dropped the gun more as she did , but she leveled it back at his chest after some thought . " I 'm Isabelle . What are you doing ? " " I 'm looking for someone . A woman , she was supposed to be a clone - " " Quit fucking saying that to me ! " She tightened her hold on the gun 's grip . " I 'm sorry , it 's just that I β¦ Never mind , I 'm sorry . Will you put the gun down ? " he asked , his voice getting a little more upset . This was not how it was supposed to happen . " Not until I feel like you 're not going to try and kill me , " she growled . " Why would I do that ? " " You wouldn 't be the first one . " " You 've seen other people ? " Chris didn 't like this . " Not for a few years . They 've all killed themselves or died from radiation poisoning or murder or lack of water . It 's just you and me , from what I can tell . " She jerked the gun at him . The left side of her face twitched . " If it 's just you and I , why would you be pointing a gun at me ? I 'm not going to hurt you . " She slowly lowered the gun buOlivia once returned to the basement she had come out of hibernation in . She had been afraid of entering . What if her male companion was sitting in there , waiting for her ? She knew she wanted that , but it scared her too . Olivia entered nonetheless , placing her boots on the stairs her bare feet had once struggled on . When she reached the bottom , the dust around her seemed exactly as she had left it . She entered the main room where she had found her book , and the green book was still there . She wondered if it was possible that the other clone never woke up . Olivia entered the room where he had been , and saw the open casket with nothing inside . She turned back to the book and put it in her backpack . She would need to give him the book when she found him . Olivia felt then that this other clone was out there looking for her , trying to fulfill his purpose of rekindling the human seed . She didn 't care as much about that ; she simply couldn 't take being alone anymore . She had been awake for months now , and she had never talked . She had never even seen another person . Olivia had smiled , truly happy , once . She had found a single - story home isolated on a wasteland of split , parched dirt . A single side of the house had collapsed in , and the rest of the house seemed slightly askew , like it could fall over at any second . The door on the front porch was open , and she gently stepped through it . The floors seemed sturdy , so she continued into the house . The house looked like it had been ransacked before she got there , and the only things that remained in the kitchen were some eating cooking utensils . Olivia continued through a dining room , and found herself in the center of the house . Ahead of her , there was a small enclosure with no roof and glass on all sides , a courtyard only ten feet wide on each side . The ground of this small yard was covered in rose bushes , dark maroon and golden honey roses twisting around each other . She stepped closer and saw some sort of irrigation system with fresh water inside of it . There was a doChris had only ever fired his gun once . He had found the gun on a man with chunks of his head missing , laying in the living room next to his wife and two young children . He had not seen a scene like this in a while ; his stomach kept turning and he couldn 't look away . The setting sun made for an ethereal light inside the well - windowed house . Light shone from all directions and framed the death at his feet like a museum exhibit . Something dropped on the floor upstairs and he heard a scratch , something dragging its nails against the wall or floor . Chris 's stomach did somersaults now , and his eyes rolled towards the stairs next to the kitchen to his left . He wasn 't alone in this evil house . He thought to leave but he knew he couldn 't without knowing who or what it was . " Hello ? " his own voice frightened him , but the answer was worse . There came a series of bumps like someone was boxing against the wall . Or stomping towards him . He hunched down next to the man and held his greyish wrist as he pulled the gun out of a cold , hard , mummified hand . The steel was so cold it bit at his fingers , but he wrapped both hands around it and pointed it at the stairs . He slowly walked towards the stairs with the noise from upstairs getting even more raucous . Thump thump thump thump thump thump . He saw light sliding underneath the door directly in front of him and something stepping around inside with each bump . It was hitting the door . " Hello ? " came his raspy voice again . He checked the kitchen behind him and then continued up the stairs . The gun in his hand shook up and down ; he was so high on fear that he felt he might pass out and fall back down the stairs to sleep with the family in the living room . Part of a family . Something he 'd never be . He reached the landing called out to the flimsy - looking wooden door in front of him one more time . " I 'm not here to hurt you ! My name is Christian ! " The thumping didn 't stop . Christian wanted to go home and pretend this place never existed , this solitary , flaky - painteThe night of waiting for Isabelle was not as long as he had thought it would be . His watch ( a nearly indestructible Casio he had found in a ransacked department store in the mountains ) showed him it never got below 0 degrees that night , and he had a warm sleeping bag and tent . He cooked baked beans over the fire and read an old National Geographic . White rhinos were being hunted to extinction for their horns , which Asian doctors believed could cure any ailment . The rhinos were beautiful and looked almost like something from this new , dead world , with their lack of pigmentation and vacant black eyes . He 'd never see a rhino . Chris fell asleep . He dreamt of a man - himself in a former life , maybe . The man had a child . She had bright blue eyes and blonde hair that curled around her rosy cheeks and she had the perfect giggle . He would stay home with her on rainy days and they would eat macaroni and cheese and stomp through the puddles in their green , grassy yard . They 'd climb the big oak behind their house and laugh at the squirrels hiding from the downpour in their oaky houses , and when they got too wet they 'd go inside and warm up by the fireplace and drink hot cocoa and read stories to each other , although she couldn 't read too well , and when mom came home they would make her dinner and they would cuddle up under the blankets and fall asleep to the patter of raindrops outside . It was Chris , and he didn 't like it and he felt sick and - " Chris ? " came Isabelle 's voice . Chris 's eyes snapped open . " Oh , I 'm sorry , I just woke up ! " He began pulling on his jacket and opened the flap to the tent . Isabelle sat on a stone outside , her rifle in her lap . She still wore the black coat and olive pants and black boots she had worn yesterday . Chris pulled on his shoes and looked at her closely for the first time . She had a slender nose and a perfect mouth . Her soft black eyebrows shaded green eyes that summed him up in a single glance . Her skin was pale and had a slight ochre hue to it and several tan blOn the way to Isabelle 's house , it began to rain . Isabelle explained what had happened that made the world this way . " When our country began to launch its nuclear weapons , Korea and China followed in suit . There were no sides ; it was just like a restriction had been removed and they had all been waiting . Iran began to launch them at Europe and within 20 minutes Germany , France , and England had all launched weapons . India launched them at Afghanistan and China and Pakistan , and Australia and Canada and Mexico launched them . Nearly every country that had them used them . It all happened within a few hours , I think . No one ever knew exactly what happened after 20 minutes though because something happened to our phones and our TVs and our Internet . Everything just β¦ stopped . I think that there were thousands launched . Something went wrong and no one knows what it was , but that was the day the world went away . I was with my β¦ My husband . My son was at his grandmother 's house β¦ " She stopped . Chris was walking behind her and saw her bring a hand up to her face . They kept walking . Chris thought he knew . Her son wasn 't here , after all . A few minutes later , she began again . " There were earthquakes for several days so strong that our house ended up collapsing . We left after two days because we could hear things cracking . We stayed in the Rock Springs High School gymnasium . Everyone had been told to go there . Even that early on , there were only a few hundred people there . We all knew that Rock Springs had not been directly hit , but people β¦ couldn 't take it . You 've seen all the suicides around . My husband brought it up with me one day when we left the gym to go outside to a park . A few big trees had collapsed . There was so much ash in the sky that it was nearly dark . It was cold and he held me and we laid against a tree and he asked me β¦ " She stopped again and brought her hand up . She kept walking . Isabelle and her husband huddled against a fallen oak in the park . The wind whipped between them and the trChris walked behind her in silence for another ten minutes . They were still in the same dead forest , and the dirty rain that fell all around them slickened the blanket of ash and the dirt beneath it . He wondered if Isabelle even had a heart anymore . Everything was gone for her . Why would she want to live here when she had known something so much better ? " That 's it , " she said and pointed at a small house on the side of a hill ahead and to their right . It looked like a place of hurt . The siding of the house was falling off and the roof over the porch was collapsing in . Black water dripped off of the corners and streamed off of the windows . They looked like a woman 's eyes when she cried and her makeup ran . " It looks nice , " Chris lied and smirked . Isabelle looked back at him in disbelief . She smiled at his joke . Twitch . Chris couldn 't explain what he felt . Isabelle had only known hurt for so many years . He wanted to take it all away and he wanted to see that smile more . The grin she had just shown him , as uneasy as it was . He didn 't know why but he was enchanted . The residue of death falling all around them and the angry sky above them made it all so surreal . The only thing he had wanted this whole time was right in front of him . He had memories of what love felt like from the man he had been cloned from . Isabelle could - " Take your shoes off , please , " she said as they walked in the ash - stained front door . He unlaced his boots and laid his pack next to hers at the front door . The living room they had entered had a high ceiling and several couches surrounded around a fireplace and an old TV with a cracked screen . " Would you like the full tour ? " Twitch . " Of course , " Chris said . She eased off her outer coat and scarves and began into the kitchen and dining room that was connected to the living room . " The kitchen , " she said and continued through the dining area to a set of stairs . " This was my father 's house . He died of lung cancer right before the Holocaust . My mother died when I was 2Isabelle and her husband had moved into a small cabin in the mountains a few months after the Holocaust . They had learned that Rock Springs was one of the only towns not directly hit by a nuclear weapon . People all around them had been dying from the radiation poisoning in the water and the air , though , and there were over 3 , 000 suicides at that point . In a town of 23 , 000 . Zachary Thompson , the principal of the high school , had taken a de facto rule over the town . He said there were more than 15 , 000 people dead in Rock Springs . That was when Isabelle and her husband left . They brought everything they could think of needing in their SUV , and drove to a cabin that they had stayed at during a Valentine 's Day weekend once . The cabin was empty , but the kitchen was full of food . They thought it could last them through the rest of the summer and until the beginning of winter . They passed the time playing board games or trying to go on hikes , even though the skies were still dark . At that point the trees were beginning to lose all of their leaves for the last time . Isabelle 's husband whittled animals and tried to stain them to look realistic , but they always ended up looking like a child painted them . Isabelle read books . She read all of the books in the house and read them a second time . She read Mary Shelly 's Frankenstein over and over . She had been raised in a very religious family and found the idea of man creating life so disturbing β¦ so intriguing . The idea that man cannot control , cannot prepare something for this violent world , concurred with everything she had been taught by her father . A creation could never be completely pure . It would seek answers but all it would find is animosity . Even its creator would shun it and the whole thing would be so horrifying that it would be erased . God alone held the power to create and destroy . Isabelle didn 't want to have sex . When she told her husband he didn 't seem perturbed , but she knew it upset him . They had tried and tried but she couldn 't get aroused . She Chris laughed at Isabelle 's question . Isabelle had poured them some wine with their dinner and they were now taking turns asking each other ridiculous questions . She had just asked him what his favorite band was and then giggled . " You 're a funny one ! " He said sarcastically . She got more serious . " Wait , what do you mean ? " " I 've never heard any music , " he said , a little sorry of the fact . " Oh β¦ that 's right . I 'm sorry ! You seem like an Iron & Wine kind of guy . " " Is that a band ? " " Yeah , they 're a damn good one , too . I haven 't heard them in a few years either . But it 's your turn to ask a question ! " Chris looked at the crackling fireplace reflecting off of his wine glass and thought . He had a burning question for her , but he wasn 't sure if it would make things awkward between them . The wine made the decision for him . " What was your husband 's name ? " She bit her lip and held her wine glass up . She took a drink . " Achilles . " " That 's an interesting name . " " He was Latino . It was his grandfather 's name . " " Okay . I just wanted to know a bit more about him . " " Well now you know . " She seemed more upset by the question than she should be . " It 's your turn , you know , " he said cheerfully . She didn 't respond . " Please don 't be upset . I just want to know more about you . " She looked into her wine glass and picked something out of it . " It 's okay . I want to know something about you . " " Shoot . " " What do you want from me ? " She looked up from the wineglass and those apple eyes pierced his own . Chris was startled and didn 't know what to say . What did he want ? Did he want to have children with her ? Wasn 't that his purpose , to procreate ? " I don 't want to be lonely . I want something to look forward to . " " What does ' something to look forward to ' mean ? " Her intense gaze softened . " It 's the two of us , alone on this planet . Two people . There could be more . We don 't have to , but - " " How did I know that 's all you wanted ? " TChris slept in the guest bedroom that night . It was covered in a layer of dust but he brushed some of it off and laid his sleeping bag on top of the dirty bed . Outside the rain still streaked the windows in shades of charcoal . It was unusual for rain because the ash in the sky didn 't allow the sun to evaporate enough moisture to create rain clouds . It had rained maybe ten times since he had come out of hibernation , and usually it was snow . He fell asleep thinking about the rain . He wasn 't sure if he dreamt about himself , or the Chris who he had been cloned from . Chris woke up to Isabelle shaking his shoulder . She was sitting on his bed in a sweater and sweat pants . " Don 't you hear that ? " Chris blinked and looked to the window . A strobe light flash lit the room and a second later there was a boom so deafening that Chris was inclined to cover his ears and the windows shook in their sills . He didn 't know how long he had been asleep but he somehow had not heard that . " I do now , " he said and chuckled . " I 'm cold , " she said and pulled at his sleeve . " Will you come keep me warm ? " Chris wanted to say no ; she was too fragile . But the same vulnerability made him want to comfort her . She had been alone for five years . " Come to bed with me ? " she whispered again . He nodded and stood up . They walked down the hall to her room and she lay on her bed . He noticed that she had built a small fireplace on one side of the room , with a channel for the smoke exiting through the ceiling . Her room was significantly warmer than his . Chris 's heart was racing . He looked at the small nightstand on his side of the bed before he laid next to her . It had a photo frame laid face down , a cross on a plinth , and a little statue of a ram . Isabelle turned around and wrapped her arm around him . He could smell the wine on her breath but it could have just been his own , too . " Chris , " she whispered . " Yes ? " " Do you think the world will ever go back to normal ? " Chris thought about it . He didn 't know what normal was . But even in the year he had been awake , he saw more sunlight . More deer and lizards and he had even seen a fox once . It seemed less normal to him but he knew it wasn 't . " Yes . " " Will we get to see it ? " They would see it going to normal . They wouldn 't see it completely normal though . He told her that . " Will the next generation get to see it ? " Would there be a next generation ? " Maybe . I don 't know . " She kissed the back of his neck . Her lips were dry but soft . Her hands pushed his face to the side and he turned around and pressed his lips against hers . She slHe woke from an uneasy sleep in the morning and found the rain had stopped while he had slept . He walked back to Isabelle 's house with clothes still damp . He finally spotted it on the horizon and despite everything he knew may have happened , he looked forward to a fire and some warm clothes . As he got close to the house , he heard a repetitive creaking sound . The squeal of metal on metal , over and over again . Chris looked around and finally walked behind the house . In the distance Isabelle sat facing away from him on a begrimed metal swingset , swinging back and forth . Next to it were an old car with no wheels and rusted paint , and a fallen tree that must have been 70 feet tall when it was still alive . Chris felt relieved that she was OK , and began to walk towards the swingset . When he was about 20 feet away , he heard her talk . " But I don 't know if he is or not ! " she said , certainly not to Chris . Chris slowed his step and gently walked up to the massive log in between he and Isabelle and crouched behind it . She hadn 't talked to herself in the short time he had known her . " I just don 't know what to do , father . He said he didn 't want to be lonely , but he did seem fake . " There was a pause like someone was talking . No one was . " What will happen if I run ? " Chris 's heart beat faster . " So he 's impure , but what should I do ? He 'll surely find me if I just leave like that . " Chris peered over the log and saw she was looking upwards . Her head twitched to the left several times in rapid succession . " I don 't want to do that , father β¦ I thought it was wrong to kill a man . " Chris started to feel scared . Could he make it back to the house without her noticing and leave without her hearing him ? He began crawling through the wet ground to the house , listening still . Isabelle was sobbing now . " I just want Achilles . I just want my husband β¦ " Chris froze and checked to make sure she was not watching him . " Please , if I do this for you . . . Can I be with Achilles again ? " She paused . " Please Olivia pulled the note down off the door . t told her to wait inside and help herself to food . t was signed by Christian . e must be the one . he pushed the door open and stepped into the house . he ceiling was lower than was normal and several chairs were gathered around a large fireplace . connected dining room and kitchen was to her right and to her left a hallway . he tried to call out for someone but her voice failed her again . he instead knocked on the door and closed it . here was no response . he laid her pack on the couch and moved into the kitchen . he cabinets were fully stocked with food ; there was more food here than she had seen in months . here had to be someone living here . t had to be him . ithout electricity , the house had a blue feel to it . he muted light from the windows made it seem lonely . onely no more . livia walked down the hallway to the left , and found a bathroom , a closet , a bedroom , and a room with a desk in it . bove the desk was a map with hundreds of rings and stones hanging on it . he studied it until she found about where she should be . he location was ringed by a blue and green stone ring . his was her new home . livia sat on the couch - her couch - and began waiting . e was gone now but he would be back soon ; and she would be lonely no more . he pulled out the two shriveled roses in her backpack and opened her sketchbook . he unwrapped one rose . t was the scarlet one . t had shriveled to a tiny bulb on the end of a stringy stem . he thorns had fallen off and the petals had withered and shed . t wasn 't beautiful anymore ; not like her drawings in her sketchbook . he couldn 't wait to show Christian . he would give him his book he had left at the bunker , and she would talk to him about everything they had seen . he tried to talk . Christian , " Olivia whispered . he began to draw him a flower . he began her wait for Christian . e woke up minutes later , maybe seconds later . e pushed himself off of the ground . hris was blacking out every time he blinked . t was ge - I 'd like to share some writing with whoever wants to take the time to read . I 'd love to hear any feedback you may have for me , so just tell me what you think in the comments section ! Thanks again ! I 'm a young writer in Boulder , Colorado . I like to write many things but for now I am just doing it for fun . I also enjoy writing music , reading , and long walks on the beach . |
I had some issues breaking the story of the next project , and I thought I was going to have to go with something else instead , but everything fell into place , I 'm ready and I feel good about it . This book will be published in a cleaner , more readable format . There will be fewer errors and it will be fact checked and edited before being posted . It will still be a first draft , but a 1 . 5 draft instead of the 1 . 0 one . I 'm writing it already so I 'll have a bit of accumulation before I start posting it . Look for it starting on January 1st or so . Just put the finishing touches on the first draft of the adventures of T . K . Anderson . Still don 't have a title . I am damn happy with how this project turned out and the final count is 36 chapters , so there are four more to go that will not be posted here . Inquire about them today ! Also , I would like to say I have a pretty solid idea of what my next project will be , so look for further announcements in a few weeks . If you 're a gmail user , become a follower of my blog and stay in the loop ! For now , I 'll tell you that the story will largely take place in a house in West Seattle and will involve a young writer and a horror novelist . It 's an idea I came up with several years ago and I 'm excited to share it with you and sure it will be a more substantial story than November 's . I don 't have a working title yet , but the story involves nightmares . And there you have it ! The end is within sight , but this is all that will be posted here on this blog . If you wish to read the final few chapters , please contact me personally . I will ask you to PayPal me a few bones , and I will give you the option of reading the ending in one chunk or continuing to have it sent to you in serial format . Please leave any comments on the work in general or anything in particular after this post . I appreciate your patience and support with this project . The people who told me they checked back every day for another chapter particularly kept me relatively honest and definitely motivated to keep up with their demands . I hope you found the exercises as satisfying as I did . I found that this style of writing lends itself to stories that want to be told at a fair clip , and I have several ideas for several more of those , so check back later in December or in January for another novel to be told in serial format . The idea that I am currently batting around will be longer , so it won 't be told in a month , necessarily , but I 'll start with it in the same format . Alex had a full gun in one hand and a knife on his hip . It was early yet , but he could tell this would be a good day . It took all his focus to keep his mind from wandering away to that cabin in Vancouver where he would soon be building exciting new memories . He practically danced up the walk , knowing they were expecting him , knowing they could recognize him , and somehow even more exhilarated by the knowledge . He stood before the stoop for a moment , thinking , then smiled . He wondered what they were doing inside . Were they waiting for him ? Were they panicking ? Were they ready ? He stepped into the well - maintained garden to the left of the front door and rang the bell . Then he tromped through the garden to the second window . The first was a small affair , frosted , and clearly leading to a bathroom . The second window was larger and clearly led to a larger room . There were two shots from inside the house and he jumped . From the sound of it they had fired at the door . He grinned . Then , he banged the base of the gun 's handle into the glass twice , shattering it with the second blow . He snatched the curtain aside and looked in . It was a dusty study , books piled about , a shelf of trophies , and there was a desk just beneath the window . It would be easy for him to climb in , but he was not ready for that yet . Instead he waited , conscious of the fact that soon he would have to get inside . If the shots had not caused anyone to call the police yet - but of course , the police themselves would have called the police , as soon as they had heard gunshots , and police officers would recognize gunfire , wouldn 't they ? He would waste no more time then . He would take the fight to these two , kill one and take the other . He would have minutes , now , at the most , but he could take the blond man 's car if necessary , it was standing just outside the house . There was nothing about his car that would attract suspicion . That was a good plan , he thought , as he watched the door to the study , his mind racing with possibilities . He would take her , run to the car , and then - Then , dropping the curtain back into place , he began to run around the house . Time , time , he had very little of it left . Still , as sweat dripped from his hairline , he was grinning like a madman . He was having so much damn fun ! Around the back of the house , he saw two more sets of large windows . He fired a round through each , weakening the glass , then bashing them with the gun to get them to shatter . As he approached the next corner of the house , he could see a large glass sliding door that entered off a small concrete patio . He didn 't want to enter there , he wanted to be more clever , to create more of a trap , but he did not have time . His destruction of the other two windows would keep their attention , at least keep them distracted . There was a propane tank by the glass door , standing next to a gas grill . He picked the cannister up in his left hand , hefting it . With his right hand he fired a round through the glass door , then he hurled the tank after . There sound was much louder , somehow , than the other windows he had broken , and the tank swept the drapes up as it tumbled into the house . There was no gunfire in return and Alex could not wait any longer . Time was slipping away . Still grinning , a vein throbbing obscenely in his forehead , sweat burning his eyes , he ducked through the curtain himself . He immediately smelled the tang of cordite in the air , from the rounds they had fired through the door . Perhaps they had fired more rounds and he had missed them in his excitement . He entered on the dining side of a kitchen pass - through , and he immediately dropped to his knees , staying out of sight . He tried to slow his breathing , it was difficult for him to hear , but he was too excited . He heard a yell , a man 's voice , high and scared , from deep in the house . " I think he 's inside ! " Oh , yes , he was inside alright . He began to edge his way to the corner of the dining room , which opened into the living room . To his left , he knew , would be the entry hall , where they had shot at him , and the rest of the house . He hadn 't heard them , so they must still be down there . They must be waiting for him . He pictured them , the two of them , in one of the rooms he had shot into , holed up like frightened rodents , waiting for him , hoping he would leave them alone . His grin widened , envisioning their terrified faces . He knew he must leave . He did not have the time for a protracted hunt , not today . He wanted the woman badly , and he knew on some level she must realize this as well , as he fired round after round into her house , she had to have known he was coming for her . Could he bring himself to leave ? Did he have that much patience ? His smile began to subside . He did not want to leave . He had built this up in his mind , this final triumph of his , this visible , incredible assault , his coming out , his announcement to the world that he would do what he wanted when he wanted . But there must be some logic . His desires must wait upon sensibility sometime . And right now was that time . As much as he wanted , no , needed , this , he knew that he was not ready to stop . More than that , he was not ready to be stopped . He backed up to the end of the dining room wall . He could just lean out now and look into the glass door of the range in the kitchen . There was no one in the kitchen watching him . He would take two steps and be outside . He would jump the fence at the back of the yard , walk back to his car , and he would be gone . Like a wraith . No , he told himself , like a myth . Like a boogeyman that would haunt people , whose memory would live on far longer than he would . That sounded right . Alex began to smile again as he stood to walk to leave . She waved at Larry and Moe as she jangled her keys . The middle - aged rambler was in good shape and she was proud to see it again , as she always was . She had been left in something of the lurch , being required to maintain and keep up the place and it always stirred her to see what a good job she was doing . She thought often of what a poorer job another , lesser daughter might have done . She placed one key , and then another in the lock and the two deadbolts , then threw the door open and ushered Antonov in , mocking his careless assumption . " Seriously . Half the time I wind up working with idiot cops who get small awards and I have to tell them not to pick their goddamn noses . Maybe you think I 'm a dick , but I 'm really enjoying the opportunity to work with someone who A : Has a career ahead of them and B : Doesn 't think I 'm gay . " Her room was cluttered , the only room that ever was . The public rooms , including the bathroom , she kept immaculate , even though she rarely had visitors . Her father 's den and her mother 's sewing room were almost never opened , so keeping things clean was never much of a chore . Except for this hole , she thought , kicking a drift of clothes to one side . She hadn 't lied , she had a clean suit , but she had several more that were shamefully wrinkled and she just hadn 't gotten around to taking them to the dry cleaner . She took of her work outfit , dumping it in the pile , and set her gun and other personal items on the bed . She changed out of her backup , comfortable travel undies and found something a bit more befitting a suit . Black . She always wore the same shirt with the suit , and it all hung safely together in her closet , safely covered in plastic wrap , still hanging on a ' We Love Our Customers ' hanger . She tore the plastic off , balled it up and tossed it into a corner . Then , she heard a shot . Anyone else on the block might have mistaken it for a backfire or some other pedestrian , ambiguous noise , but not her , and she hoped not Antonov . She looked down and grabbed the first pants she could see , blue and gray striped pajama bottoms . From outside , there was a string of further reports , right on top of each other . Someone emptying a gun . " I called it in , " he hissed . " Do you think it 's him ? " Anderson was taken aback . Her training had kicked in , she was just ready to start some shit , it had not crossed her mind that the gun fire might be HIM . But as soon as the thought cross her mind , she knew it was right . Poor Larry and Moe were either under fire or laying down fire themselves , and either way it had to be the son of a bitch they were after . She edged to the corner and threw open the coat closet there . Inside , resting in the corner , not quite hidden beneath the sleeve of a trench coat , was a shotgun . She placed her gun on the upper shelf in the closet , next to a locked case that she knew also contained a Smith and Wesson . 44 revolver . She jacked the first shotgun round from the magazine into the chamber , feeling a cold satisfaction roll over her . It a Remington 10 - gauge pump , loaded with double - ought buckshot and armed with a choke to lessen spray . It was not a gun for hunting wildlife , it was a gun for hunting men . The doorbell rang and both of them leapt . After a moment , both of them made to aim at the door and she hissed . " Put a round through it , " she whispered to him . He nodded , leaned around the corner , and fired not one , but two quick rounds through the heavy front door , which , now that she thought about it , was probably not locked . The two reports were loud in the hall and punched small holes in the door . She noted with some satisfaction that even though the deadbolts were still open , the doorknob was still in the locked position . It was the only door they 'd come in , so the rear door , in the kitchen , should be open as well . The sound of smashing glass came from down the hall , away from them . " What room ? " Antonov asked her . After a moment he dashed across the hall to join her . She nodded down the corridor to her father 's den . " You don 't have another one of those , do you ? " he asked , looking at the Remington . She led them down the hall to the door of the den , just past the door of her bedroom , but on the other side of the hall . The took places on both sides of the door and she reached for the knob with her left hand , the shotgun held in her right . She began to turn it slowly , ready to push in as soon as the catch was clear . Several more reports rang out and she jerked her hand back purely on instinct . Antonov cringed back from the shots , crying out . Her hand stung , and she was certain she must have been shot . She looked down and saw that the last three knuckles on her left hand were bleeding , skin torn off them as if she 'd been in a slugging match . She couldn 't tell if the bullet had grazed her or if the splinters from the door had ripped her up , but either was much better than the alternative . She looked over at the blond PR agent next to her . At first , as they neared the state 's capitol , Alex began to think they were going somewhere official , Anderson was taking care of some essential piece of business before the press conference . But just as he knew the capitol building itself was about to hove into view , as they drove toward the ivy - covered overpass , the blinker in the back Dodge came on . They exited on Sleater - Kinney , and Alex pulled into the exit lane and slowed , giving them sufficient lead . They were turning left at the top of the ramp , crossing over the highway . Alex managed to stay a light behind them , distant enough not to be obvious , but ready to run a red light in an instant if it looked like he was going to lose them . He did not . After a few simple turns they were in a residential neighborhood and excitement began to crawl into Alex 's belly . They were going to her home . He didn 't know how he knew , but he did , he knew it as certain as he knew anything . Sure enough , a few blocks ahead on the wonderfully open and clear suburban Olympia streets , he saw the two Dodges pull over in front of a small rambler . He put on his own blinker and made a right hand turn , breaking his eye contact with them and removing himself from their awareness . He drove just far enough to park in front of another car , and killed the engine , sitting behind the wheel , panting , almost hyperventilating . He wanted to believe that this was it , that he would just be able to walk into her home and enjoy his time with her , but he knew that , realistically , his other plan , that of taking her to that nostalgic cabin in Vancouver , was more realistic . And why the hell not ? By the time anyone responded to this situation , he could be half way there ! He was already closer than he would have been in Auburn or Seattle . It was a straight shot down I - 5 . His van would hold for a day or two . What was the worst that would happen , he would get a parking ticket ? He could live with that . It wasn 't in his name , anyway . Alex took deep , satisfying breaths , his earlier fatigue vanished , his body winding up and tightening like a clockwork toy . He closed his eyes and forced himself to relax . This was his moment . This was his time . This was , he now realized , what he had been building up to for so very long . He did not pack his bag , not this time . He did not want to have anything that would hold him back . He found a sweatshirt and decided he would pose as a jogger . The gun fit snugly into his belt at his side , beneath the sweatshirt , if he loosened his belt a notch . His hunting knife sat in its welcome place on his left hip . Into his back pocket he put a handful of zip ties , confident in their usefulness , as he always was . Then he began his walk . It was almost 6 in the morning now , and still quite dark . Mist hung in pools around the streetlights , making the hour feel even more gloomy than it was . The reassuring weight of the gun on one side of his body and the knife on the other soothed him and slowed his fluttering heart , already far ahead of him , ready for the fun to begin . He turned right onto the woman 's street , 138th SE , he noted , which was boring and anonymous . Not as exciting as the resident who lived on it , who would probably be his most famous victim . He so rarely thought of the people he spent time with as victims exactly . They were certainly not his friends , but they gave to him , he enjoyed their company so that the word victim seemed . . . inauthentic . No , they were his . . . subjects ! Yes , he liked that quite a bit . It implied both that he was a scientist conducting experiments and that he was a ruler and they were beneath him . Both true , both appropriate , both sensible . They were his subjects . And there were two now , sitting in a large Dodge wagon before the woman 's house . One was intently looking out the left side , at the other side of the street . The other man was lounging , his head lolling against the passenger side window . He did not look alert . Alex slid the gun from his belt and held it tight against his right leg , beneath the line of sight of the men in the car . Perhaps he would talk to them . Pretend to be a local , someone out looking for a pet or a child . He would be casual , treat them as anyone else , and he could hear the conversation in his mind . " Oh my , you 're police officers ? Well then I 'm sure you can help me . " The apathetic man twisted a little in his seat and Alex forced himself to keep moving as he knew he was entering the man 's peripheral vision . Freezing or moving quickly would arouse suspicion . There would be none of that . He was just a casual citizen , out for a morning walk . Hell , they were the suspicious ones , sitting in this neighborhood in a running car - The man in the passenger seat twitched , as if stung , and Alex moved without thinking about it . He raised the gun , just as he saw the man was reaching inside his own jacket and , with the muzzle just a few feet from the window , pointing directly at it , he opened fire . The first round took the man in the head , shoving it violently away from the window with a spray of human material , then flopping back into the glass , aping his position from just moments ago . The sound was a whip - like crack in the thin morning air , and the sound of the glass cracking from the impact a lesser , hollower noise . Alex couldn 't see his second target , but he knew that there was no time , so he adjusted his aim to fire past where the passenger was sitting and emptied the gun in the direction of the driver 's seat . The rapid reports bled together into a single exaggerated sound , like a string of firecrackers , the individual sounds becoming one and remaining individual . The gun dry fired several times before Alex realized he was out of ammunition . He grabbed the handle of the passenger door and pulled on it . The man with holes in his head tried to flop out , but was held in place by his seat belt . Holding the now empty gun before him , Alex looked past to see the driver . His window was now a ruin of red as well , and Alex could see that one of his hands was almost destroyed by gun fire where he had protectively held it up . It had done no good . There was a hole in his chest that was slowly leaking blood , a hole high up on his shoulder and . . . yes , that was not blood in his eye , half the eye was , in fact , missing . That was when Alex saw it . Miraculously clear of blood , bone and brain , there was a photocopy at the passenger 's feet . It was him . It was not perfect , of course , but the likeness was striking . That was why the passenger had reacted when he had seen him . It was a damn good thing he 'd brought Wozcynski 's gun along after all . With that thought , he took the gun from the passenger . His hand was still resting on it and Alex had to pull it out of the way . It was still warm and supple . Alex smiled happily as he checked the chamber . It was ready to go . There was no safety . He carefully closed the door on the passenger , marveling at the destruction the small gun had been able to create . It was not as satisfying as some things , he admitted , but the picture of the aftermath was astounding . He looked at himself and was surprised that , other than the hand where he had touched the body guard , his body was completely clean . It was so unusual for him to create so much destruction and remain so clean . Not what he would have favored , certainly not what he was saving up for Anderson , not at all , but satisfying in its own way , to a degree at least . Alex turned for the house . The beeping of her cell phone dragged T . K . back to consciousness . She had set the alarm to wake her at 5 a . m . , well in time to prepare for the press conference . She blinked blearily and wrenched the crinks from her neck , grunting at the loud cracks she elicited from her joints . She made her way to the showers by way of the coffee machine , mentally preparing for another full day , her guards faithfully in tow . Perhaps not the last day , they might not be that lucky , but a day when things would start to fall into place . Certainly , at least , there was something to report at this morning 's press conference . " Be right out . " Once she hung up , she told Larry and Moe that Antonov was around the back . " We 'll get you to the back door and then meet you on the road , " Larry said . The followed her dutifully down the stairs to the back door , where she signed out with the desk officer . She stared at the door for a moment and just as she raised her hand to push it open , one of the guards stopped her . She was surprised for a moment . It was a perfectly good question , just not one she 'd been expecting . She lifted up the edge of her coat . " Of course . " She exited through the door and nodded at Antonov , who waved at her . She took a breath of the cool morning air . The sun was still down , she reflected . No one should be awake at this hour , let alone all of us . A dark thought occurred to her . This was his time . This was when he would be awake , just heading home after an evening that ended with a body dump or a dead family . She shivered and began walking to Antonov 's car . It smelled good , like it were a fairly recent purchase , and the leather interior was still being generous . It also smelled like the driver himself , no doubt dosed daily with his own aftershave or whatever . " Morning , " he said . " Snob , " he said with a sniff , and turned on a light pop station . Larry and Moe fell in behind them at the first light , driving an unmarked Dodge Magnum . Being on the open road like this , she was strangely comforted by their presence , as annoying as it might be otherwise . It only took ten minutes for one of the morning DJs to reference the case , and Anotonov snapped the radio off . By that time they were pulling onto I - 5 , a straight shot from Olympia and Anderson 's home . After another minute of silence , the driver spoke . " Get this straight , " he said , taking his eyes off the road for a moment , locking them onto her . " You 're tough . You look tough , you talk tough , you act tough . That 's awesome . It means men and women want to respect you . You 're not too pretty , which means women aren 't going to be threatened by you . But right now , people respect you because they respond well to you and because they 've been told to . Tomorrow morning , when you present , for the first time really what the fuck is going on , you need to look like an authority figure , and you cannot do that in a leather jacket . You just can 't . " He drove once around the building , knowing that any more would be likely to draw attention from a police department that was already closing ranks . He noted with satisfaction that the flag before the building was flying at half mast . There was a rear entrance , a single door at ground level , as opposed to the imposing , official double doors at the top of the stairs in the front . Alex could not watch both doors , but he would be laying odds that she would use the rear door after the press conference in the morning . He knew he couldn 't park on this block . Even on a day when the police weren 't paranoid , such action might draw attention , but on a day like this , it would be suicidal . He was not that person . He might be taking risks but he was not open to failure . He found a small parking area on the roof of a building two blocks away , which would allow him to watch the rear door . He had binoculars , but he would not be able to use them much , as it would draw attention . Camping out in a parking lot was bad enough . He put on several sweaters and cracked the windows to keep the heat from building up . He ate a granola bar and drank some water , emptying a container he could urinate in later . He had some No - Doz in the glove compartment , and he took two to stay alert . Later , if necessary , he would break out the harder drugs , stimulants that he had acquired through the years , for those rare stretches when he had to stay up past his normal threshold . Periodically he would turn on the car to defrost the windshield . At those times he would quietly listen to news radio to see if there had been any developments . None were reported . He did not have a wireless signal , but every so often he would open up his laptop and watch the press conference featuring Deputy Anderson . He would focus on one attribute of her , the way she talked , the way her lips moved , the way she used her eyes , the way she used her hands . Every time he did he was more reassured that she would be very special , one of his finest achievements . The hours passed slowly , but he kept himself busy , entertaining himself with ideas of what was to come , as well as revisiting some of his greatest hits , notably Liz . He knew he would not be able to help but compare his experiences with the two women . Women rarely crossed his path , certainly not the way Liz had , and he knew that no matter the circumstances under which he took the Anderson woman , he would run as far as he must to insure that he could spend as much time with her as possible . Perhaps he 'd load her up with drugs and make the three hour drive south to Vancouver and stay in the same cabin . The nostalgia appealed to him . The No - Doz were wearing off and he was pondering moving on to something else , something to keep him alert , when it happened . There she was . It could have been any woman from that distance , and he quickly checked through the binoculars , even though he knew in his gut that it was her . It had to be . It was his time . Sure enough , when the small figure snapped into view on his binoculars , there she was , the big eyes , the short hair , walking quickly across the space between the back door of the city hall and the waiting car . He looked briefly at the car , fixing it in his mind . It was a dark color , difficult to tell in the streetlights , he thought it might be dark green . It was a Dodge , he saw , a sedan , and that was good enough . He tossed his binoculars on the passenger seat beside him and quickly backed out of his parking space . He only had two ramps to descend before pulling onto the street and he immediately moved toward the city hall . He made a left hand turn and was on the street the dark Dodge had been on and he saw it just as it was making its own left hand turn onto the main town thoroughfare . Even though he had perhaps taken a moment too long watching her , after he had known it was her , things were working out perfectly . As he made his own right turn to pull in behind Anderson 's car , he heard a siren offer a single whoop at him as another Dodge tore through the intersection , running a red light . As Alex made his own turn , he saw the second Dodge pull in behind the first , making a small convoy . Her police escort , Alex supposed . That was a close thing . He followed the two cars and pulled in behind them at a light . At the next light , the convoy made to pull onto Highway 18 , heading east , which would take them to I - 5 . He let the cars pull onto the highway without him and drove on . As soon as they were out of sight he pulled two quick U - turns , running one red light , and then pulled onto the highway himself . With several hundred yards between them , and exceptionally light traffic at 5 : 30 in the morning , he would have little trouble following them without being noticed . After a few minutes the two cars merged onto I - 5 heading south . Anderson was due to give a press conference back in Auburn in just a couple of hours . Where were they going ? " Lemme see that , " said Stockton , reaching out for Raynes ' laptop . His brow furrowed as he worked with the computer . " It wasn 't an automated response , the guy sent that email in real time as soon as he received it . " " Yeah , I know . I 'm on it . I can track the IP address , but now we just have to get . . . Sprint , it looks like , to kick loose the information . We can triangulate where he was and track where he goes if he leaves the phone on . " Stockton looked up and gave a crooked grin , his skin sickly in the light of the laptop . " We will . As soon as we get the info from the phone company . " " Damn right . " She hung up . " Alright , Stockton , we 're running down a subpoena for you . Otherwise , keep at what you 're doing . Especially matching those veteran 's records , that might be what finally sticks with this mess , if it all adds up . " Her guards , who had been introduced to her , but who she continued to think of as Larry and Moe , followed her out to the parking lot as she got her bathroom bag from her car . One of them checked the bathroom for her before she was allowed to use it , and then they waited for her outside as she washed her face and brushed her teeth . One of them checked the first empty office that she found and then they took up stations outside her door while she turned off the lights and sat down at the desk . She put her head down on her arms at the desk . The posture echoed in her muscle memory and she realized that she hadn 't slept like this since college . Finals week , she supposed , getting an hour in between study sessions . Even with all her traveling for this job , which was seeming more and more ridiculous to her , she had never had to sleep at a goddamn desk . Shitty hotel rooms that she regretted sleeping in , certainly , but never at a desk . It made her feel removed somehow , as if what was happening wasn 't concrete or real . The fact that she 'd been to two obscene crime scenes in 24 hours probably didn 't help . She realized that her education had failed her . The breakthrough in this case had come because of plain , boring , old - fashioned police work , not anything she had learned at the knees of experts from around the country . Her education certainly had not prepared her for what she had seen at the Wozcynski house . On the other hand , she supposed that nothing really would have prepared her for that . She stared at her hand , so close to her eyes as to be fuzzy , and tried to let her thoughts drift . He had practically handed himself over to them and she wondered if he had done it on purpose . Clearly his activities in the last day had become reckless and radically different from the cautious movements he had been making previously . She didn 't believe in the old trope about killers wanting to be caught , so she was stuck wondering what he was doing , why he was being so brazen , so aggressive . It was clear that he had been operating for more than five years , in Portland and now here , so it didn 't make any sense that his compulsion had finally taken him over . If it was going to do so , it would have done so before now . She sighed and turned her head , looking now at her elbow , seeing the fibers in her blouse up close . People were lazy , she thought , she knew that . They generally didn 't act on their own , they tended to react . What could this guy , Cambuto or whatever , be reacting to ? The answer to that was plain enough , he was reacting to being discovered . After years of operating without anyone being the wiser , he had become public . Admittedly , his name wasn 't released and his details weren 't made public , but the fact that he existed was now known . Was that all it had taken ? Was the fact that he had been uncovered like a crab underneath a rock what had pushed him to start acting out . She considered this idea . It made a certain kind of sense , she supposed , just like the crab , if it was cornered , it would start trying to nip at its attacker , even if it were 100 times larger . Was the killer so primitive that as soon as he was spotted he would take to the offensive ? It certainly seemed like that could be the case . Cornered animals were dangerous and unpredictable . That fit . It also meant that no matter how careful their plans were , they couldn 't be careful enough . Not with a cornered animal . There was just no telling . Posted by Alex found a public library and parked outside to bootleg their wifi signal . He was quickly able to find the full version of the press conference he had caught the end of , and he watched it three times over . She wasn 't beautiful , he reflected , even though he knew he wanted her . There was something about her that struck him like Liz had , not in the way that she had filled him with fury , but in the sense that just looking at her he could feel the inevitability of her fate . He googled the detective and chased her name around the internet . Her first two names , Teresa and Katrina , were a strange enough combination that he was able to find her on occasion , popping up in a graduation notice ( criminal justice , University of Washington ) , and a mention of her in a case from Boise where a mass murderer had been apprehended . According to the article in the Seattle Times , local Deputy Sheriff T . K . Anderson had assisted the investigation . He found a photo of her , from another article , this from Seattle Weekly , which ran a short feature , " She Hunts Killers " . The interview spoke largely in generalizations and talked about her education ( UW again ) and her specialty training from places like the FBI academy in Quantico , Virginia . " The biggest factor I have to work against is the public perception of these individuals . They rarely consider the people that they are killing to even be people . The world is little more than a playground for many of them . The media , particularly films , has fastnened onto the serial killer as a new boogeyman and it has both weakened and strengthened them in the view of the public . " The wailing of a fire engine momentarily distracted him as it tore past where he was parked . He smiled , thinking of where it might be going . The sad , burning body of that lonely , pathetic gas station attendant was nothing compared what would be , what he was looking forward to . There were five rounds left in the gun he had taken , that would be enough to get started . Beyond that , he had his entire bag of tricks , including hypodermics , knives , surgical gloves , and the like . Now , with a full stomach and a true vision of what was to come next , Alex began to drive . As he did , he began to fantasize about what was to come . He was sure that after Wozcynski it would be more difficult than his last kill had been , but that just made it more exciting . He stopped for gas before started the drive to Auburn . He would wait for her , lie in wait , as he had not done since , well , since Liz , he supposed . The thought excited him even more . He was going to play it entirely by ear , let his instincts guide him , as they had so successfully done already . Posted by Anderson wasn 't sure that you could call what had happened a break in the case , but at least there was finally something to work towards . The tireless crime scene nerds had finally come up with something . One of the bodies from the dump ( which had produced 27 and counting ) had come back with an identity due to dental records . Elizabeth Wilson - Reilly had been reported missing more than five years ago in Portland , Oregon . The circumstances of her disappearance were such that foul play was suspected and her employee , one Jerry Cambuto , had stopped showing up for work at the same time . An ATM in Vancouver , Washington , had made withdrawals of several of Wilson - Reilly 's accounts , but the video from the ATM was not helpful in identifying the individual . The file from Portland had included a composite drawing of Cambuto , put together after interviews with several of his co - workers where he had worked as a transcriptionist . This had lead to another line of questioning that Anderson had handed off to a member of her task force , which had been waiting for her at Auburn P . D . after she had returned from the Wozcynski home . She really was in charge now , she thought , as the cameras and television lights were turned off . " No , you wasted the better part of a day circling the wagons after one of our own was attacked . There 's no shame in that . And now you actually have something to follow up on , right ? " " Seems like it 's more than we had , anyway . " " Well , we 've got a nice assortment of fingerprints from the Wozcynski 's that we 're sorting through . Theoretically his might be there somewhere , but checking them off is a bitch since all of the bodies were burnt at least a little . " " There was something to report tonight , there 'll be something more to report in the morning . Even if it 's small , there will be something . And we need to be able to keep bragging up what we 're doing , that 's a common mistake . You don 't report the small progress you make , people will think you didn 't make any at all . " " What have we got ? " she asked as she entered the war room . No one answered her . The night shift was just coming on , but she saw that Russell , a state trooper assigned to the task force , was still on the phone , several hours after he should have gone home . Anderson didn 't give a shit about overtime , but she wanted him to be able to keep working . There were three others , two women and one man . She wasn 't sure if they were assigning her more women because she was a woman or if it was the luck of the draw . One of the women , another Deputy , Allison Raynes , looked up and nodded at her , then returned to the photocopies of the Portland file . The other woman , a Seattle patrol cop named Petros , was sitting at a laptop , a phone cradled in her shoulder . She was in contact with another patrol cop who was running down leads , including the possible identity of several other bodies . The man , Stockton , was running the computer scans on fingerprints and dental records , a long - term commitment and a tedious job . Finally , Russell hung up the phone and signaled her . As she approached him he stood up and led her to the corner of the room . " I did like you suggested . I contacted the psychologist , and he told us who does his medical records . He sends them off to a company called RNX Records . I got their answering service and put in a call to their manager . Then I began running down people at Stafford Mental Health , the clinic in Portland . I got some additional information on the guy from Portland to go with the file they sent us . Then the guy from RNX calls me back and I asked him about their employees . I faxed him the composite sheet we put together . He ID ' ed the new version we put together , without the beard . Says the guy is Paul Mercer , one of their transcribers . This Mercer guy typed up the psych records and interviews for the first vic that was ID ' ed as Walsh . Since Kelty , the shrink , farmed this stuff out , he would have never met Mercer , but Mercer knew who the shrink was . I think if we narrow our dental records search against just vets we 'll turn up some more IDs in short order . " " Alright . Listen up ! " Anderson yelled , standing up . " Russell here has manufactured us some solid leads for once . We have a picture of this guy to offer the public starting tomorrow and I want everyone in the world to see it . I don 't want this son of a bitch to have room to breathe . Russell , give the phone number for the Portland manager to Raynes . Raynes , take the info he 's put together and keep building us a picture of this guy . Stockton , narrow your dental search to veterans and see if anything comes up quicker . What have you got so far , Russell ? " " That 's what the manager said . Most of the people in the office really liked him , he was a solid worker , but he and his boss had some kind of disconnect , never really got along . Manager said that at one time Liz , the vic , complained that she always felt like the suspect , Cambuto or Mercer , was hiding something . But the manager said the only thing he really noticed was that he was always smiling and it made him uncomfortable . Like there wasn 't always something to smile about . " " First thing I want you to do is get with the manager in Portland and dig into their records . Find out how many people they did records on died under mysterious circumstances : Disappearances , suicides , whatever . If this is how he finds who he goes after , we might be able to track it back to him . " " Hello , is Jerry there ? Oh , I see . I 'm sorry . Do you know a Jerry Cambuto ? " The volume of the speaker on the other end of the phone grew louder . " I understand . " She hung up . " No dice . I 'll run the number to see who has had it since then , run their records , but I think it 's a dead end . " Raynes ' fingers flurried over the keyboard and then she gave an emphatic nod . " I put the subject line as ' Hello ' and the text of the message is just ' I am looking for Jerry Cambuto or Paul Mercer . ' " " Alright . " Raynes spun the laptop around to face Anderson . The text of the reply came from the old address of Jerry Cambuto , jcambuto @ hotmail . com . The reply was just one sentence . " Nice try . " Alex woke , groggy and disoriented . It took him a moment to remember where he was , laying down in the driver 's seat of his car . It had started raining again , and it sounded like he was in a car wash . It was almost dark and the truck next to him had gone away . He looked at his phone and saw that he had been asleep for the better part of eight hours . He felt like he could sleep for eight more and his arm still deeply ached . He returned to the truck stop and took another shower and ate dinner . He felt more awake and more present afterwards , but still like something was missing . He was just paying his check when one of the station attendants walked past him , reeking of unleaded and cigarette smoke . " See you tomorrow , Earl , " he called to a guy behind the counter , who grunted in reply . Alex admitted to himself that he was letting himself be carried away , that he was not acting like himself . But he was a different man now , the kind of man who could respond to a situation as it arose . They wound up several miles outside of town , driving past pastures and the occasional mobile home . The man pulled his truck into one of these , a blasted patch of ground , half dead grass and half naked dirt , a pit bull chained in the yard . Alex drove past , went on for a mile , and then turned around . Past the man 's house he found a wide shoulder where he could leave his car . He took his bag , which now contained his regular tools , plus the gun and the cleaver from the Wozcynski house . As he walked up the driveway , a song returned to his memory , from where , he was not sure . " Freedom 's just another word for nothing left to lose , " he said to himself , rolling the words over in his mouth . For him , in this place , at this time , it felt like the truest words every spoken . He walked up to dog , which stood at the end of its chain , straining and furious , spraying drool . He lifted his gun and held it a foot from the dog 's head , pulling the trigger . The sound , in the open air , was quieter than he would have imagined , and the hole the bullet made above the dog 's left eye , but the exit wound , between the dog 's ears , erupted , and it seemed that Alex was able to see it in slow motion , the back of the dog 's head expanding and then popping , first in white chips of bone , then gray matter , then a fine spray of blood . Alex came without even thinking about it , proceeding towards the front door of the trailer , seeing the dog 's head erupt over and over again , in his mind 's eye . The door flew open and there the attendant stood , out of his gas station coveralls now , dressed only in some baggy , shapeless sweat pants . " What in the - " the man started , but Alex , feeling 10 feet tall and as powerful as a god , placed his hand in the center of the man 's chest and he fell back , arms grabbing at nothing , feet sliding out from underneath him . His head hit the linoleum floor of the entry way with a solid clunk and his eyes rolled up into his head . The man awoke twenty or so minutes later , tied to his narrow , sagging bed , his thin frame straininAlex was able to find a balance between his urgency and his patience , dragging out his time for almost two hours . Then he was tired and hungry again . He found a stack of Hungry Man frozen dinners in the freezer and helped himself to one , the smell of the enchilada 's temporarily overtaking the smell of blood and offal that filled the trailer . He turned on the small television while he ate . He flicked past the Northwest News Channel and briefly heard the word " bodies " as he went past , then quickly returned to the channel . The news scroll on the bottom spoke of new leads in the Auburn murder case , but Alex wasn 't paying any attention to that . He was transfixed by the woman on the screen . He felt that he might have seen her before , but he felt immediately that he knew her and that he would know her even better . The woman was labeled , " Deputy Anderson , Chief Investigator " . They had replaced the dead detective quite quickly , Alex thought to himself . She had short , light brown hair that stood up on the top of her head , somewhere between fashionable and unruly . The bright television lights washed out her skin , making her look almost translucent , and her eyes leapt from her face , large and lamp - like . He finally came out of himself enough to hear her words . She was talking about him , of course . " We are pursuing several leads at this time . Notably , one of the bodies from the site in Auburn has been identified via dental records . This has created a strong line of inquiry for us to follow . The investigation continues and I regret that I cannot take any questions at this time . If you have any information on the Auburn site or the murder of Detective Wozcynski and his family , please contact us at the email address and phone number located on the screen . Thank you . " Alex scoured the trailer but could not find a computer . He was driven to go online and find more about Deputy Anderson . If she had replaced Wozcynski , she must know what she was getting into . And what body had they identified ? All of the homeless veterans he had taken would almost surely never have been reported as missing and going through their dental records would surely be - " Liz , " he whispered . He had known as soon as they discovered the dump site that she would be the big loss , the one that counted , but even at that time he had just taken it personally , he had not stopped to think that she would be the thread that led back to him . The case in Portland had lain fallow for years , but this was something different . What they had so far combined with what there was from Portland . . . But what did that matter now ? He wasn 't hiding , not any more . He found a dusty old taper under the sink and lit it from a stove burner . He used a piece of duct tape to fasten the taper to the side of the kitchen counter , blew out the pilot light , and turned on the oven . He stopped in the yard for a moment to admire his handiwork with the dog . It was dark and the stocky corpse was illuminated only by blue light from the street . The dog looked so peaceful now , restful in spite of the gaping hole in the back of its skull . Alex walked down the side of the street to his car , watching for oncoming traffic . His thoughts returned to the young woman from the television . Anderson was a much more common last name than Wozcynski , sadly , but it was still a place to start . " Deputy Anderson , " he murmured , as he climbed into his car . " Deputy Anderson . " She chastised herself for her first thought as she entered what was left of the Wozcynski residence . She immediately realized that she was another set of clothes that was not likely to recover . The frame of the house itself was sound . There were no holes in the roof or any of the exterior walls . Much of the interior of the living room , where the fire was set , was ruined from the fire and the aftermath of fighting it , but aside from broken windows and the stench , parts of the house seemed completely undamaged . Like her clothes , Anderson wondered if this house was ruined forever . The smell was massive . While the smell at the body dump had seemed somehow light , as it floated in the air on the top of the hill , suspended beneath the trees , this smell seemed captive , and therefore thicker and meaner . A brief mental image flashed through Anderon 's mind of photographs of the aftermath of the holocaust , trolleys , chimneys , ovens . The smell was dark and oily , like a grease fire , with an unexpected and gut churning sweet undertone . An unbidden memory returned to her from the creeping corners of her mind . Longpig . Cannibals , somewhere out of time , had once referred to white colonials that way . Because of how they smelled and tasted . She forced herself to swallow the bile that came creeping up her throat . The living room was where all four bodies had been found . The first fireman into the building , after the small blaze in the living room had been extinguished from outside , had stumbled across Wozcynski 's wife . Things changed rapidly after that . The tour of the house started with the living room . The bodies were lined up with precision , smallest to largest . The coffee table had been moved to one side , where it was a singed and crumbled pile of ash and small shards of blackened wood . The couch , likewise , was largely a ruined relic . Family pictures and other art that had hung on the walls were completely colored by smoke , black or dark gray boxes of blankness . She drug her vision back to the bodies . This was her job . This was what she did . Smallest to largest , largest to smallest . There was a pattern to it . She wondered if there would be patterns upstairs as well . She had so little to go on so far , a pattern could dramatically help her start thinking in the right direction . She still felt so lost , without a place to start , and now this son of a bitch had turned the tables , come right into a cop 's home and butchered the bodies . Because , according to Steele , that 's what had happened . She was brought in to do a preliminary finding because of the urgency of the case and she was able to report that though the bodies were burned , and at best they were still just assuming the bodies was the Wozcynski clan , until there was dental confirmation , all the bodies had suffered trauma . The preliminary findings showed serious dental trauma to the mother , possible gunshot wounds , missing teeth , and several missing digits on the father , and the children . . . " Found one , " she heard someone report as she walked up the stairs . She looked back to see a crime scene tech chalking a circle on the floor where the couch had been . Inside the circle was what appeared to be a finger . At the top of the stairs she followed the strobes of a flash to the master bedroom . The room had been decorated twice . Once by a conscientious resident , matching colors to bedspread and headboard , the second time with sprays of arterial blood , arcing across the ceiling and the walls . A child 's t - shirt , stained red , was crumpled up on the floor next to the bed . The flash continued to blast as the photographer captured the horrific scene . She could see the indent where the small body had lain on the bed , the puddle of blood where the last flow had been captured . It turned her stomach . She returned to the hall and saw another tech exit the next room . She looked inside and saw that it was a girl 's room , posters of cartoon characters and a cork board covered with photos of a grinning girl , maybe five or six , with gaps in her teeth . In this room there was no blood , which was a mercy . Beside the bed was a pink waist cord from a robe , with a loop at each end . Her chin began to quiver , not with held tears , but with rage . On the floor , near the knotted belt , was a small , fuzzy , pink slipper , shorter than Anderson 's hand . She hiccuped audibly and then moved out into the hall . She strode straight ahead , ignoring the crime scene beneath her , making straight for the front door . She continued her stride across the lawn , chest hitching , to the curb where a coroner 's van was waiting . There , she placed her hand against the side of the van , leaned over the gutter , and vomited up her breakfast . The strong smell of coffee hit her tongue going the wrong way and made her wretch again . She spat and gasped to clear her throat , rebelling against further gags , knowing her stomach was empty . " Teresa ? " She turned and there was Florio . She no longer cared about her image or who was watching . She fell into the arms of her dead father 's best friend , her boss , and she wept . Posted by Alex slept . He had seethed as he drove his car south , his hands clenched on the wheel , breathing the scent of diesel on his clothes and hands . His teeth ground against each other and his eyes burned as he drove and drove . When he came to himself , he was almost a hundred miles south , and his jaw ached . He pulled into the first rest stop he found , walked to a quiet picnic area , and spent an hour in penance , doing pushups and crunches until his muscles burned and the smell of his sweat began to compete with the scent of the diesel . Then he pulled himself together , finally realizing that , although it had been dark , he had been driving with blood stains all over his clothing . He mentally castigated himself as he changed his clothes into a fresh set , knowing that the diesel stench might ruin this set of clothes as well . He would have to buy more clothes , but that , at least , would not be an issue . The safe in the Wozcynski 's closet had been open , simply requiring a twist of the handle to open it , and leaving Alex several thousand dollars in cash . He kept driving south until he found a truck stop and pulled in . He entered with his head down and a pack over his shoulder , ignoring the customers and the employees , heading straight for the bathroom facilities . A fistful of quarters got him a shower and when he was done he changed into yet another set of clothes . He wrapped his previous clothes in a trash bag and crammed it into his backpack . Then , against his impulse to keep running , he took the time to shave and put his hair in place . His eyes were a little bloodshot , but otherwise , he looked like just another man from the road , perhaps dressed a little neater than some of the other long - haulers . He took his bag back to his trunk and then returned to the truck stop to eat . He had not thought about eating since . . . he couldn 't remember when . He had eaten the evening before , sometime . A taco salad , he remembered , on the way to his storage unit . That had been a long time ago . He had a double order of biscuits and gravy and drank two glasses of orange juice . When he lifted his right hand to pick up his fork , he was aware of an intense ache in his right shoulder . He hadn 't realized how overworked that arm was after his night 's work . The food hit the bottom of his stomach , the fat and the carbohydrates congealing into a warm , thick porridge . He paid his check in cash from that night 's takings and returned once again to his car . It was now just after 8 a . m . and the sun was piercingly bright , so Alex moved the car into the shadow of a tractor trailer . He recStill , he thought , as he trailed away into sleep , his thoughts beginning to slow , his mind 's racing revving down , it had been worth it . He reflected , drowsily , that he had broken a lot of his personal rules of late and that it certainly seemed that he would continue to do so . Would it continue to be worth it ? If his days were like this one , he felt , then yes , they would be . This was what he should have been doing all along . Not masking who he was at all , but letting himself be who he had really , truly , deeply wanted to be all along . The real person that he let himself be with people like Liz and McConnell , in the moments when the facade of himself he had taken so long to build , when that false face completely fell away . He opened his eyes for a moment , staring at the soft , gray ceiling of his car , realizing that he had just made a breakthrough . That he was becoming something different , something true . He should not be afraid . He should be proud . And grateful . People like Wozcynski had helped him find his truth . That he could no longer live in the shadow of fear , that he would no longer live under the storm cloud of what may be . He would use the time he had to be true to himself in the most complete way possible . |
Tessie resented having to get up early to pick her daughter Margaret up from the airport because Margaret knew she worked the evening shift . Her sleep schedule was not what it used to be during the years she was a stay - at - home mother . They met in baggage claim where Margaret , her eyes glassy , threw her arms around her mother without saying a word . Margaret let out a rattling sigh , but Tessie made no noise . She felt like a spectator of their meeting rather than a participant . Behind them stood Margaret 's fiancΓ© , Raymond , a polite born - again whom Tessie had met only once before at the large family Thanksgiving meal her sister hosted every year . Now he was holding their bags and smiling away . She could not commit to such an emotional exchange this early in the day . Not when the reason for Margaret 's arrival was that her father , Tessie 's ex - husband , was dead and they would be getting his ashes the next day . Margaret felt the need to be there for the cremation , despite her vehement disapproval of the process . Tessie did not want to spend this day with her newly born - again daughter or the doughy Christian she was engaged to . She wanted to put the box of ashes in the cabinet under the sink , eat nothing , and watch television for half the night . But when Margaret called the week before she had already booked her ticket . Sarah Albarn : success story . Why would Margaret ask about her ? She hadn 't kept any of her grade school friends . She had abandoned nearly everyone from her hometown . " You don 't need to spend this trip home searching for forgiveness . Don 't forget , " said Raymond , his glasses and the crisp gel of his hair gleaming . " You have already asked for and been given God 's forgiveness . " They reached the car and Tessie collapsed into the driver 's seat while they put their bags in the trunk . Dialogue with Margaret was now full of these religious asides , statements that may or may not be Bible verses . Whenever Tessie called her daughter at work she would always end the conversation with , " Have a most blessed day . " " I can never stop spreading the word of God . Romans 10 : 13 says , ' everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved . ' " Margaret would reply , with thick fire in her voice . She was often trying out new verses , making Tessie end their conversations in a hurry . Margaret had found Jesus in an inpatient drug rehab center two years ago , when she was recovering from a methamphetamine addiction . When she called Tessie during her detox to tell her this , Tessie had said , " Oh , is that where he 's been this whole time ? " at which Margaret had hung up . Tessie remembered reeling with confusion while holding the humming phone in her hand ; she 'd actually thought Margaret was making some kind of joke . But one year after that phone call Margaret had announced she was officially born again , had joined a congregation , and was engaged to one of its members . Tessie still hadn 't gotten over the feeling that this was an elaborate performance , or a spiritual fling . " I spoke to your brother yesterday and he sends his love , " she said . Her older child , Jeremy , was stationed in Korea for the army and would be returning to the States in two weeks . The service for Tom would wait until then . " He 's sorry he 's not here . " " He doesn 't do much talking , " Tessie said . Jeremy wanted nothing to do with Margaret , though he conducted himself with profound neutrality with regards to her . In fact Tessie had not heard an outburst from him since his adolescence - of anger or joy . " He wasn 't that close to your dad after the divorce anyway . " He had been an okay parent . Margaret 's father , wintry and critical as he was , had been on his daughter 's side . He just hadn 't liked people very much . They were always coming up short . After a pause , Tessie said , " You know , in a parallel universe Tom could still be alive . Scientists have started considering it a very real possibility that there are other worlds within our own , that every possible combination of events has taken place in some universe or another . I saw a documentary on it . " Even so , Tessie was truly comforted by this parallel universe thought . M - theory wasn 't the sort of thing she could bring up to her coworkers , so she never had the chance to discuss it or figure out ways to articulate it . She did not have to go into work until the afternoon , so many nights she was up until 3 A . M . watching the science specials and documentaries on PBS . These programs calmly revealed the inner workings of space , and particles , and the human brain , so noble and mysterious . They filled Tessie with a sense that things had an invisible purpose ; that the very atoms in her body had some kind of plan that she , by proxy , was participating in . The night before , there had been a special on animal mothers , the irony of which was not lost on Tessie . In fact it seemed almost obnoxious . She didn 't watch it for long , but she saw the section on antelopes . It seemed to her that they had the right idea . What humans should do , she thought , was evolve to gestate their babies longer . Humans should give birth like deer and cows , to fully formed little children that can stand up by the end of the day . No soft skulls , none of that crawling . When you had a baby , you had no idea what you were going to get once it became a child . Antelopes were well aware that the world is a dangerous place , full of predators , and the best a mother could do was make a child that was sturdy on its own legs right from the start . Tessie had not spoken to Tom for close to a year when she got the news from the hospital . The doctor said he had most likely died in his sleep . Tessie didn 't see how they could know that for sure . She had to leave her shift at the call center to go identify the body . She 'd spent years of their marriage trying to get him to eat better and quit smoking . The doctor , when Tom gave in and saw one , had warned him about his cholesterol . She did not know how she felt after they pulled the cloth back up over his face . But a terrible weight settled in her chest , the weight of all she was required to do for him now . She hadn 't loved him for years . Tom had no siblings and his parents were no longer alive . The closest thing to family he had was an old high school friend he was extremely close to , but the friend lived in Montana with a wife and a house full of kids and could not come to Pennsylvania all of a sudden . Tessie called the friend to confirm Tom 's cremation wishes . " He 'd told me that 's what he wanted only a year or so ago , " the friend agreed , his voice cracking as he choked up . His tears were unbearably depressing . Tessie had cried , but for reasons that were not as beautiful and simple . When she 'd arrived at the hospital they 'd asked her if she was the wife . Tessie got the house out of the divorce , but the neighborhood had changed since Margaret 's childhood . It was full of stay - at - home mothers who pushed their babies around twice a day in enormous strollers , whose children did not seem to scream or throw up . This was some new species , so different from the hard , stiff - jawed sort of mother Tessie had been . These mommies cooed like pigeons to their babies ; they wrote blogs about being mommies the silly , shrill things . These same mothers complained to the neighborhood association about Tessie 's unruly lawn that she could not control , about the growing brown spots on the white siding . The house had turned against her in the last few years . She wished to go home and collapse at the end of the day in its cushiony , familiar comfort , but there was always something creaking or falling apart . The fridge would leak at random ; the blinds were all either stuck open or closed ; there was mildew sprouting insidiously in the corners of the bathroom . Objects were always hiding themselves in places she would never have put them . Sometimes they leapt out of her hands of their own accord and clattered on her aging linoleum floor . If things needed to be fixed and she could not fix them herself - for free - then they simply stayed broken , defying order and sanity and filling the house with a spirited rebelliousness . It was just very hard to keep things straight . Margaret crossed the threshold of the house slowly , gripping her elbows as if she were cold . She hadn 't lived in this house since the night Tessie , upon realizing her daughter had been stealing from her , chased her out the door and told her not to come back . Her ratty boyfriend - of - the - moment came and picked her up , and she was gone . That had been four years ago , when Margaret was eighteen and Tessie and Tom 's divorce was nearly final . Eighteen - year - old Margaret would not recognize this girl reentering the house . After Margaret and Raymond put their bags in Margaret 's old bedroom they came downstairs . The three of them sat at the table in the kitchen . Raymond told Tessie about his job and Margaret told her about the religious studies program she had gotten into and would begin in the fall . It was not long before a stiffness filled the room and their conversation , and it terrified Tessie . There were so many painful , irritating topics lurking in this family 's history . And she did not want to talk about Tom . She 'd cried and raged enough over Tom . Finally she said , " Why don 't we all watch a movie ? " " I used to fast forward to the dance scenes and skip most of the talking , " she said . " So it 'll be like I 'm seeing it for the first time , really . Gosh , I loved this movie . " She crossed her legs , childlike , and held Raymond 's hand . After the movie Margaret and Raymond headed up to bed , though it was still quite early . Tessie knew she would not be able to sleep at this hour so she watched a special on time and the human brain . We 've always known that time and space are relative to the observer 's position , said the British narrator , but we are only now beginning to discover the intricate process through which the brain measures time . The brain processes information at its own speed , and patches it all together to create what we perceive as the present moment . Many sensations that appear to be happening simultaneously actually happen at different moments and the brain combines them . That is why a person can completely forget their commute home on the highway , and why time seems to slow down in an unbearable way when one is waiting for important news . Tessie snorted at the screen and said out loud , " Tell me about it . I was thirty just yesterday . " Some events in her life seemed far away , and others felt as though they had just happened . She thought about Margaret as a child , a rail - thin adolescent with eyes like terrifying , gaping caves . It seemed to happen so quickly . The event Tessie remembered most clearly was one late morning when she 'd heard Margaret throwing up in the upstairs bathroom . Tessie had seen her daughter sneaking back into the house at 4 A . M . but she waited to confront her about it . She had imagined this would be the time when she would approach Margaret so calmly and with such reason that Margaret would simply burst into tears , so ashamed that she couldn 't help but change . When Tessie heard the sick , pitiful sounds from the bathroom , her heart had startled her by breaking . What was her baby doing to herself ? Tessie went downstairs to make more coffee . Jeremy had already started boot camp at that point , so the house was quiet . Tom was no longer living there , but she thought about calling him to ask advice about how to talk to Margaret . She wanted cry , but she was too anxious . At this point , Margaret had been suspended a second time for " acting erratically " in class . She never seemed to sleep in her own bed . When she spoke , Tessie could not follow her train of thought . And lately things in the house had begun to go missing - the old game consul , stacks of movies and CDs , appliances . When Tessie furiously brought this up , Margaret had told her to stop blaming everyone else just because she couldn 't keep track of her own things . After thinking for a moment , she grabbed a notepad and wrote , I want to help . Talk to me . She slipped it under the door . She could hear Margaret move and cough . After a few moments , Margaret 's bitten nails pushed the paper back under the door . Under Tessie 's message , it said , thank you No please go away . Tessie stared at the note and the rejection it represented . Her help was not wanted here . The sharp and unbearable love that had spilled out of Tessie 's heart converted into hatred - there was no other word for it - and Tessie marched into Margaret 's bedroom . She ransacked it completely , ripping posters off the wall and pulling drawers out onto the floor , looking for evidence of drugs or alcohol , for anything that she could shake in Margaret 's face to show her she was in trouble . When Margaret finally left the bathroom and saw her bedroom , she screamed at the top of her lungs and left the house for the rest of the day . All Tessie had been able to find was a pack of cigarettes . That had felt so terrible she couldn 't imagine it would have felt worse to find something really sinister in her daughter 's room . Tessie didn 't often let herself contemplate those bad years , but sometimes she wondered what role she had really played . She tried to decide if it would be better if things would happen faster so she could get them over and done with , or if she wished she could have more time . Time to do what ? she asked herself , but she was tired now and her thoughts were muddled . In the morning Tessie made coffee and put some rolls in the oven for breakfast . She was impatient to get the day over with . She bustled around in the kitchen , trying to whip up some maternal energy . There must be leftovers somewhere , she thought , some leftover motherly love sitting on some shelf in the back of her mind . She was relieved when Margaret finally woke up . " I thought we 'd go get your father first thing , " Tessie said when Margaret came downstairs , already dressed . " No need to spend the whole day anticipating it . " She looked at her daughter , who she had seen so little of in person over the past year . The fullness of her was shocking ; she 'd gained weight and looked bright and pretty without makeup . On the way there Margaret wrung her hands nervously . Tessie had searched " Christians and cremation " on the Internet and found that nearly all sects of Christianity were pretty tolerant of the cremation process . Of course Margaret would be in one that was not . As they drove , she began to fidget under the weight of the silence between them . " Don 't , " Margaret said sharply . " I don 't want to fight about all that while I 'm here . It was another life . " Tessie frowned but decided to say nothing . It was all part of the same damn life . Once , one of her friends from work suggested that perhaps she took things a bit too personally . How could she not take the events of her own life personally ? Was that the goal : to train herself to not be bothered by anything so that time would pass fluidly and with minimal conflict until β¦ she was dead ? She wished she had an alternative . " Mom , " Margaret piped up suddenly . " Do you know what I remembered at the airport today ? How dad used to drive us out there so we could watch the planes pass right over our heads . Do you remember that ? Whenever we all got uptight he 'd pack a bunch of beers and sandwiches and we 'd lay in the back of the pick - up truck and watch the planes take off . That was such a rush when I was a kid . Let 's go there tomorrow and remember dad . " " Oh . " Margaret nodded , but she sounded disappointed , as though her mother was making an excuse . Tessie could tell that it never occurred to her that Tessie did not have enough money , that she lived paycheck to paycheck , that she did not know if she would be able to retire or if she 'd have to work until she died in her desk chair . Her job was not hard , but the hours were long , and sometimes she felt the walls closing in when she slept . Sometimes customers seemed to take some kind of sick joy in talking to her as though she were an insect , an inconvenient roadblock between them and the stupid thing they wanted . Those days she had a hard time keeping any perspective and remembering the world was a larger network than the one created by the phone lines linking her and her customers . Those days she wondered why people had the right to exist . " He had no spiritual guidance , " said Margaret . " You have to choose health and cleanliness . You have to want it . Satan had already filled his veins with sickness . " " I think , " said Tessie , " it was the red meat and high fructose corn syrup that was clogging his veins . And besides , I never met a more staunch Presbyterian than your father . " Her defensiveness surprised her . Tom was the churchgoer , the sayer of grace , the one who read the kids Bible stories . Tessie rarely spoke to Tom after their separation , but she called him when she heard the news of Margaret 's conversion . " What she 's talking about has nothing to do with my faith , " Tom had told her . " She traded in one addiction for another . But at least she 's gotten out of her own hell . She 's got a brand new hell , one that everyone else gets to go to . " Margaret had sprung a leak in their household and let them fight , finally fight . Tessie became pushy . She couldn 't keep her hands from flying around her husband , pushing his shoulders , threatening slaps . Once she worked him up into such a state , she hid from him under the bed , though there wasn 't any real danger of him hitting her . Tom had self - control she didn 't have , and his rage was silent and terrifying . Mostly she just wanted to hide somewhere dark and quiet . It was after that fight that she decided to file for divorce , because hiding under beds was something children and insane people did . Their destination was mercifully close , and they entered into a storefront full of urns . Tessie gave her information to the man behind the glass counter . A little card on the counter featured the caption : " Experts you can trust in the preservation of your loved one . " Tessie regarded it suspiciously . What the salesman and Margaret didn 't understand was that Tessie had already mourned this man a long time ago , before their divorce was even final . She 'd mourned the loss of their love so severely , it felt like someone had died ; she 'd mourned for their vows , their children , their shared history . She wished he 'd remarried , so she didn 't have to do this . Back at the house , Tessie prepared a roast on a sort of autopilot . Raymond hovered around the kitchen . He was actually quite a good conversationalist , a trait Tessie would have assumed all overtly religious people lacked . He reached out and held her hand between his own . " If you ever want to consider what it means to be born again - to receive salvation - please never hesitate to contact Margaret or me . During times like these , the soul becomes open to rebirth . As it says in the Book , ' So then if anyone is in Christ , he is a new creation . The old things have passed away ; behold , they have become new . ' " Raymond didn 't really upset her as a person . He was kind and though she found him grating , he was not pompous as she expected him to be . But there he was , sitting next to Margaret , belonging to her . He was in the chair her husband used to sit in every night . She stirred the gravy slowly , trying to keep calm . Sure , someone was dead . The man she 'd spent what ended up being the significant portion of her life with was dead . But this was dinner , not a plane crash , and everyone here was all right enough . As long as the ceiling was above her and the floor was below her then things were close enough to as they should be , and she 'd learned to be grateful for as little as that . Margaret hadn 't needed a mother for her second birth . The first , from a womb , brought her into a world she could not tolerate , the second into a bright and simple new world . Tessie had performed a faulty , ill - fated birth that later had to be redone . She just hadn 't realized that children were as untrustworthy as adults . One minute they were playing with blocks , or your earrings , speaking with their adorable lisps through their missing teeth , then the next second they were screaming for something , making their fingers into L shapes and pointing them at you , yelling " Bang ! Bang ! " while you stare incredulously , wondering what you could have done to deserve this . It wasn 't fair that Margaret had made this transformation . The girl Tessie had raised had no right to Jesus . No right to peace . Her mother had no peace ; where was that supposed to come from ? Tessie mumbled an " amen " after Raymond finished , though she could not fathom what they were blessing . Life hadn 't exactly been kind to anyone at this table . It was just something you managed to get through somehow , something you hoped the universe would forgive you for . You hoped you got it right in a different world . Tessie got up in the middle of the night . She was hungry and restless and needed the hum of the TV to quiet her mind . She swung open the kitchen door to see Margaret sitting at the table , head in her hands . Margaret jumped and put a hand on her heart . " I 'm sorry , " said Tessie , as if she 'd interrupted something . Margaret 's eyes were dry but puffy with tiredness . The box of ashes was sitting in the other chair at the table . " Me neither . " Tessie found herself babbling . " I 'm not much of a deep sleeper . You never slept well either . You must have inherited that from me . " She watched Margaret start to chew on her nails . " Do you want to watch that Gene Kelly movie again ? " Tessie rubbed her hands together , looking around . " Well , there are still things that need to be done . Last week I went to pick up a few boxes of your father 's things from his house that I didn 't want going in the trash . Want to take a look ? " Margaret agreed , visibly excited , and helped Tessie drag the boxes from the garage , through the breezeway , and into the kitchen . The boxes were already dusty after only a few days , giving them a prematurely antique look . Tessie remembered the documentary from the night before as she wiped the dirt from her hands . How difficult it was to measure time . " You both got distracted , " said Tessie . She didn 't mean it as an accusation , and she was grateful Margaret didn 't take it that way . She smiled wryly at her mother . Tessie extracted the china from her and Tom 's wedding from their stiff newspaper covers . The set was an heirloom from Tom 's family , though he and Tessie had never used it . She held the serving platter up for Margaret . " This set survived World War II . Your grandparents brought it over from Poland . Do you like the pattern ? I thought you and Raymond could have it for your wedding . " " I know , I know , " said Tessie hurriedly . " It 's hard that he 's not here to tell you this himself . There should be some old picture albums in one of these boxes . I can tell you what I remember about his family . " She shuffled around in one of the smaller boxes , but Margaret had her hands over her eyes , and she was not listening . " Why don 't I make some tea ? " said Tessie with a forced smile . She put the kettle on the stove and turned on the burner . She looked at the flame to avoid looking at Margaret . " Don 't close your heart to this , " said Margaret . She gently turned the china platter over in her hands . " You don 't want a priest , you don 't want to pray , that 's fine . But you didn 't even say anything today . " " Why won 't you listen to me ? " said Margaret . " I 'm not the same person I was two years ago . Dad didn 't brush aside the changes I 've made . I think eventually he would have ended up agreeing with me and getting involved with the church again . " She nodded to herself , gaining momentum . " He would have . I really think so . Now it 's like what I do for the rest of my life is never going to matter as much as what I did when I was a kid . " Tessie stared at her in disbelief . Who was this person Margaret invented ? It certainly wasn 't the real Tom . Tom wasn 't there to watch Margaret hit rock bottom . Tom was in an apartment forty - five minutes away . But Tessie 's anger sputtered at the despair in Margaret 's tone . In Margaret 's mind , both God and her mother were always going to hold her teenage years against her . Perhaps she had thought she could save Tom , and that would make up for her past transgressions . Tessie could not imagine feeling responsible for the fate of your loved ones . She cast around desperately for something to say . " Oh , come on now , " she said with uncharacteristic buoyancy . " At least you have your whole afterlife ahead of you . " " What is wrong with you ? " Margaret 's voice rose . " Why don 't you want me to be good ? Do you want me living out of my car again , sleeping in my friends ' filthy basements ? I have been made whole . Every step I took , every mistake I made , led me to God . " Tessie struggled to reply . She recognized the outburst , with its venom , but the script was new now . She wanted to explain to her about how the world really worked , about the electrons that disappear from one atom and reappear inexplicably in another , about the particles that respond to each other across inconceivable distances , about the electricity in her nerves and what her brain did while she slept . How all these masses of tiny particles and energy held the world together - people could be difficult , but the universe truly was a hospitable place . She wanted her to understand these miracles , that she was too young , much too young , to have the world reduced to a pit stop on the way to heaven or hell . " No , " said Tessie , but she went to the hallway closet to pull out her toolbox . She deposited it loudly on the counter . " If you want to investigate , go ahead . It seals on the top . " Margaret stared at Tessie , then at the toolbox . Tessie wondered if she was hesitating because she was scared or because she wanted to ask Raymond if it was sacrilegious first . Finally she pulled out a screwdriver and went to work on the screws holding down the lid , and Tessie turned away . She didn 't want to watch any of this . An angry , frustrated pain was blossoming in her heart and diaphragm , and she did not know what to do with it . Tessie turned around as Margaret set the lid back in place . Margaret 's eyes were big and scared . " Do you want to look ? " she asked . " Well you don 't care , " she spat , swinging the box out of Tessie 's reach . " Where should I put him ? The garbage disposal ? The trash heap behind the garage ? " She jumped out of her mother 's grasp and started towards the door . " What the hell do you think you 're doing ? " Tessie yelled , grabbing Margaret , her hands clawing at her T - shirt . " You do not leave this house , do you hear me ? " She yanked Margaret 's upper arm to pull her around so she could yell right into her face . Margaret managed to grip the box in her fingers and pull it upright before much got out . She froze with it clutched to her chest . They both stood silently and stared at the grainy dust that coated their legs and spread elegantly around their feet on the white floor . After an eternity of this , Tessie straightened up and gently told Margaret to step out of the ashes so she could clean them up . Tessie wiped off her legs - Margaret had gotten the worst of it - and rifled around under the sink until she found a brush and dustbin . Margaret watched silently as she swept up the dust , the little rocky bone fragments , the feathery ashes , into the bin and poured it all back in the pine box . Then Tessie brought it over to Margaret and had her lift her legs over the box so she could brush as much of it off her as she could manage . The ashes floated down into the box and landed with the tiny sound of a muted wind chime . Margaret rubbed her eyes . With a strange little smile she said , " I 'm scared to go back to sleep . I woke up in the first place because I keep having nightmares . " " I know , " said Margaret . " You and Dad would have to come in and make a big fuss pretending to look for them . When I was using I hardly slept at all . Now that I 'm in recovery my nightmares are worse , way worse . " Tessie remembered investigating Margaret 's room up and down to show her there was nothing there . She 'd go through Margaret 's closet , shine a flashlight under her bed , and Margaret would follow her around in her nightgown , clutching her blankets and sniffling with fear . After a while she and Tom both stopped doing it . They couldn 't keep getting up and putting on the same performance as their child got too old to be scared of nightmares . They gave Margaret a flashlight to keep in bed and tried to ignore it when she cried out . Margaret went on , " Now I keep dreaming that a man is trying to stick a needle into my arm . Isn 't that weird ? I never shot up . It scared me . But in the dream a man is chasing me , or , if it 's really bad , he 's holding me down . And he won 't tell me what 's in the syringe . I can 't tell if he 's trying to help me or hurt me , if he 's trying to get me high or give me medicine . I keep screaming at him and asking him what he 's doing , and he won 't answer . I usually wake up right when the needle goes in my arm . " " I know why I 'm so scared in that dream , " said Margaret . " I grew up in a good home in a good neighborhood with everything I needed provided for me . Somehow that life brought me to addiction , to stupid , profound misery . But addiction brought me to God , Mom . It brought me to Raymond , to a community of people who care completely about my wellbeing . But sometimes I wonder , Mom , " she cupped her face in her hands and stared wide - eyed at the floor , " what 's God going to bring me to ? How can I tell what 's good or bad for me ? " Tessie took Margaret 's hands off her face and held them and said , " You 're doing good , Margaret . You 're doing just fine . " Margaret nodded slowly , still staring at the floor . " You are . You are . " She told herself it was good she and Margaret had fought , even in their judgmental way . The fighting was how they came to understand each other , how they continually reestablished themselves . She fought Margaret as she fought Tom , because she could not figure out what either of them was really about . Margaret chewed her lip , considering this , but she seemed satisfied and turned away . Tessie listened to Margaret ascend the staircase , and then she pulled a bucket and mop out of the closet . She filled the bucket with water and bleach and began to scrub the floor . She let the rhythmic motion calm her as she remembered more about Margaret as a child . Losing her ballet slippers under the bed . Clomping around in Tom 's work boots . Tessie had made her wear a life vest in the pool until she was nine , which had mortified Margaret . Tessie had been sure that the pool , of all things , was the real danger to Margaret 's life . She 'd focused on all the wrong things . She remembered the first time Margaret ran away from home when she was eight . She hid in the flower garden of a neighbor a few houses over . The neighbor found her and brought her back to Tessie , laughing good - naturedly about it . Tessie had not thought it was funny . The neighbor was taken aback when she grabbed Margaret 's arm and yanked her back inside . Both he and Margaret stared at her , terrified . Afterwards , he did not nod to Tessie when he passed her on the street . Tessie hadn 't asked Margaret why she ran away that first time . Why hadn 't she asked ? Maybe she would have figured out something important , something that would have helped her understand Margaret later . It meant nothing that so much time had passed since these days . She could go back to them now , see them in the soapy circles on the floor . Every one of them was preserved in her mind . Tessie could almost touch them . She dumped the bucket of water into the sink . After so much running away , Margaret had come back home . What did she expect Tessie to do with that ? Tessie had accepted that she and her children were on their own , that there would be no long phone conversations , no one to worry about her when she was ill , no one to sympathize when she became old and forgetful . Whose fault this was hardly mattered ; Tessie had accepted it . And after all that readjustment and moving on , Margaret had come back . Here , Tessie thought , staring into the drain . She leaned against the counter , exhaustion finally settling in . It begins here . But soon enough Margaret would leave her hometown and her mother and head back to the life that she was building . A life for which Tessie could take no credit , but in which she would have to find a place . Tessie pushed open the window above the sink to let out the smell of bleach . It stuck after opening only a few inches . She leaned her forehead against it and sucked in the fresh air . Tessie would tell Margaret to take everything in the boxes from Tom 's house with her when she left . Wasn 't that what mothers did ? They gave their children a home , and then the tools to build a home for themselves . She 'd give her daughter the scraps leftover from Tom 's life so Margaret could do whatever she needed with them . And after the service , in two weeks , she 'd tell Margaret to take the ashes , too . Share this : TwitterFacebookLike this : Like Loading . . . One thought on " The Art of Preservation " Tony Press says : June 15 , 2014 at 1 : 39 pm This is lovely . It is full of the old mystery we call " family , " but it is a fresh look - both intimate and sweeping - and it will stay with me . |
Where have I been these last few months ? Why haven 't I been posting ? It 's because I couldn 't find my site . Now that I have found it I want to tell you a story . When I was eleven or so I 'm not really sure of what my age was , Barnum and Bailey 's circus came to town . At that time they traveled by train . My Dad took me to the depot to see them unload . First they unloaded the elephants because they used them to set up the tents . I remember the elephants pulled on the ropes which were attached to the canvas tents . There was a lot of yelling and general noise by their handlers . I don 't believe they were abusing the animals but they did use long sticks with hooks on the end to move them . Maybe if I was the elephant , I would feel I was being abused . After they set up the tents , they unloaded the other wild animals . I especially remember tigers and lions . I wasn 't too impressed with them as we had a zoo in Independence that had lions and tigers in it as well as monkeys and bears . We couldn 't afford to go to the circus as it was very expensive . We did go back that night and looked at the people who were going to perform in the side shows . I was especially intrigued by the sword swallower . The ladies all wore beautiful costumes and it was generally a glamorous scene . I decided that when I grew up I would travel with the circus and become sword swallower . The next day I practiced sword swallowing . I got a dull kitchen knife and tipping my head back just like the circus sword swallower had done , I put the knife down my throat ; . That is , I tried to put the knife down my throat . I did just fine until my gag reflex kicked in . That ended my career as a sword swallower . What a disappointment ! No glamorous costumes , no traveling about the country , no circus career ! Another dream dashed because of my lack of ability . At that age disappointment doesn 't last too long so I would just have to dream of some other occupation . This year marked the end of Barnum and Bailey 's circus , but I believe the beginning of the end came when they no longer travelled by rail . Kert and I took Kristen and Jacob to the circus when a company gave Kert tickets . The elephants paraded by and the horse riders performed stunts , but I believe Jacob liked the motorcycles in the round cages . That was a pretty good show by itself . After I worked at Woolworth 's , I worked for a time at Wallgreen 's Drug Store in Independence . I worked during the summer and I worked at the lunch counter . I remember a customer who came in every morning for his breakfast . He was some sort of " big shot " in Independence , but I don 't really know what he did . I just remember that he always had scrambled eggs , toast , and coffee for breakfast . He always left me a ten - cent tip . When he died he left $ 80 , 000 . to Independence for something very civic - minded . Before you think he was a cheap - skate , just leaving me a ten - cent tip , remember I was making forty cents an hour . But I digress from civil rights . While working at Walgreen 's lunch counter , I was told the store policy was not to seat negroes . So if negroes came in for a sandwich or drink , we were to tell them that they would have to stand behind the stools to order and then I would pass their food to them there . We also did not serve them on china or glass dishes / glasses , but on paper plates and in paper cups . I thought nothing about this at the time as that was just the way it was . No one ever challenged me on it . I lived through the Civil Rights Movement , but it was only when I watched that movie the other night that it dawned on me that I was a part of it . I don 't know what I would have done had I been challenged like the people who staged a sit - in at the Woolworth 's lunch counter . I had attended integrated schools since Kindergarten . Perhaps , just as it seemed perfectly natural to me , it must have seemed perfectly natural to the people I served . Leave a Comment Whenever a carnival came to town , it set up in a field somewhere on the west side of town . I had a boyfriend and he asked me to go to the carnival with him . I looked forward to going and figured we would ride on the rides , etc . Well , we did etc . We went up to one of the games of chance . If I remember correctly , it was the one where you throw the hoop over the prize you want to win . We did that for a while and he won some dinky little prizes for me . Then we went to the baseball pitch game . This is the one where you knock over the milk bottles . My boyfriend was a baseball player and thought this looked easy . He was in full show - off mode . He started throwing and naturally since the game was rigged , couldn 't do it . . He kept trying and trying until he had " invested " about twelve dollars . Now he , like me had a minimum wage part - time job as an usher at the movie theater . I kept trying to get him to quit , but he knew he could knock those bottles down . I really began to feel sorry for him and also thought he was a little bit dumb to spend all his money like that . I finally told him I was leaving and I did . I left him still trying to knock those stupid bottles down . As I think back on it , I wasn 't very nice . But , he was dumb ! 2014 , another new year . I wonder what it will bring . Will this year be memorable ? Will it be better than 2013 , which was pretty good β¦ or will it be just an average year . By the way , whatever happened to 2013 . It seems to have flown by as have the last several years . I once asked Old Grandpa Williams when he had turned 100 , what that felt like . He responded , " It took a long time to get here , but as I look back , it was the blink of an eye . " I now know what he meant . I am 81 , and it took a long time to get here , but as I look back , it was the blink of an eye . It is funny what we remember of our lives . We remember the big things , but the ones that stand out are the little mind pictures we have of things that were seemingly unimportant . I remember the lay - out of our house at Glencliff . It had three windows facing the south and they had a window seat in front of them . The kitchen was a kind of porch that was at one time screened in . The screened in part was replaced with windows , which meant it had windows on two sides . The back door came into the house from the south , and that was the door we used . The central room of the house was a dining room and to the north of it was a living room . My parents ' bedroom was off the living room . My bedroom was east of the dining room . I visited the house a couple of years ago , and although I did not go inside , I was somewhat surprised at how small it was . It was the house I was born in and lived in until I was eight years old . I know it did not have an indoor bathroom . I know it did not have running water , unless you count the pump at the sink in the kitchen . I know we took baths in a number 2 washtub which was placed in the kitchen and filled with water heated on the stove . We had a wood stove in the dining room and that was it for heat . We were a little bit fancy in that we had a " government " toilet out back . A government toilet was one that had a deep hole lined with concrete , a concrete floor and a built up seat . It was like we see now in National Parks in the wilderGrandma had rheumatism β¦ . what we now call arthritis and she rubbed her joints with Absorbine Junior and Ben - Gay . If she had a cold , she also used Vicks Vaporub . Quite an assortments of smells . I especially remember the Absorbine Junior . If you , dear reader , ever get a chance to smell Absorbine Junior , you will understand why I remember it some seventy years later . Leave a Comment I don 't know if I have blogged about my best friend in Kindergarten or my Kindergarten experience , but here goes . My best friend was Dion Schofield . She lived across the street from the school in a small ( most houses were small back in the day ) . I thought it would be so neat to live in town . Anyway , I do not remember ever visiting her in her house . I honestly don 't know why she was my best friend . I really liked her name . At that time , I was Patty Jo . It was a rather plain name and I thought the name Dion was glamorous . ( Now do you understand , Kathleen Dion . ) I attended Riley School even though we did not live in town . I came to school every morning in my Daddy 's car as he went to work . Also in the car being taken to HIgh School was a very handsome negro boy whose mother was the housekeeper for the big house at Glencliff . She was a live - in servant and her son lived there , too . I wish I could remember his name . What I remember about him was that he was a star athlete in Track and Field . I say he was Negro , but he may have been Native American . All I remember was that he was brown . Being a star athlete , he was also quite well built . I had a big crush on him . I also remember that one of the track events he participated in was the pole vault . As far as I know , he never knew about my crush . He was always nice to me , though , because that was who he was . When I say I had a crush on him , I don 't mean that he was the only exclusive object of my affection . I loved Danny Anzelmo . He was the leader of our Kindergarten Rhythm Band . He had a cape and a hat that had a feather on it . He was so handsome in that uniform that it was no wonder I had a crush on him , too . None of these crushes were significant because I was going to marry my Grandmother 's doctor , Doctor Bullock . He had red hair and at that time I loved red hair . He had gone to school with my father but his age wasn 't a deterrent to me β¦ . neither was the fact that he was married . As you can see , my Kindergarten romances were quite complicated , because I also loved Louie Warnock , my next door neighbor who could walk up and down stairs on his hands . He was married , too , but I didn 't let a little thing like that stop my dreams of romance . . I think I have written about his wife , Maxine , who wore high heeled Wedgies and ate argo starch . I ate it with her . She ate it because she was pregnant and that was something she craved β¦ but I diverse β¦ . back to Kindergarten . My teacher 's name was Miss Gladys Smith . She wore her hair in a bun with finger waves in the front . She was very business - like and I don 't recall her being very loving toward anyone in the class . I don 't think she had a teacher 's pet , but if she did , I might have been it . By the time school started , I had been waiting in the auditorium / gym / gathering room for quite a while . Opening exercises consisted of Miss Smith calling the roll , after which we said the Pledge of Allegiance . guided by the Principal over the intercom . Then came our health inspection . Did we have our handkerchief pinned to our clothing ? Were our fingernails clean ? Were our face and hands clean ? If it was Monday morning , we were asked if we had gone to Sunday School and church . The answers to each of these questions were entered in the grade book . I think the grade given was under the heading of Citizenship . We did not necessarily learn to read in Kindergarten . We learned the alphabet , the sounds of the letters . Our math consisted of learning the numbers and learning to count to one hundred . We also had story time which was slightly different from story time today . We had to tell a story to the class , standing up in front and reciting it . My first grade had a U for Unsatisfactory in Story Telling . This brought my mother to school to investigate why . The reason was that I had not yet had an opportunity to tell a story . My Mother got that grade changed to reflect that fact , and I soon got to tell my story and received an S for satisfactory on my grade card . Yes , my Mother was one of " that kind of parents " . I have mentioned that Danny Anzelmo was the leader of our rhythm band . I played the triangle for a time and then was transferred to cymbals . I liked the triangle , but I really liked the cymbals better . Some people played the sticks which were hit together in rhythm if things went right . We had uniforms with purple satin capes lined with white satin . . We wore white blouses / shirts and I know the girls wore skirts and the boys pants , but I remember the names of all the teachers at Riley School . Kindergarten , Miss Smith ; First Grade , Miss Lowery , Second Grade , Miss Street , Third grade , Miss Mibeck , Fourth Grade , Miss Greer , Fifth Grade , : Miss Slocum , Sixth Grade and also serving as Principal , Miss Pitts . ( I must admit that some of the older children referred to their particular teachers as " Old Lady " . Had I ever done that , I would have been paddled at home . We only went to school for half a day and had a rest period in that time . I had one brother who was younger than I . I also had a sister who was much younger than I . My little brother joined the Marine Corps after attending one year at the local community college . He married a delightful girl and they had three children . This blog is about two of their children , Dana Jo and Donna Joleen . Linda came back to the town I lived in . It was there that Dana was born . I did the father duty of waiting in the hospital for her arrival . Maybe that is why she is so special to me . My son Larry couldn 't say Dana as he was about two years old , so he called her Damya . One time Larry went to Neodesha with Grandma Sumner to spend the night . It was a Friday and Mom was going to bring him back Saturday . I got a call about nine o ' clock Friday night . Larry wanted to come home . So I got in the car and drove the thirty - nine miles to Neodesha to get him . He told me he didn 't miss me and he didn 't miss Nam ( his name for Linda ) and he didn 't miss Damya but he was afraid he would miss the TV show , The Twilight Zone . One time Walter was home on leave and he was fixing something on the car . He had this tarry stuff out and Joleen got into it . She had it on her hands , her clothes , and in her hair . They had to use kerosene or something to get it off . I laughed at the sight and Linda informed me that it was not the least bit funny . Dana and Joleen were at the age that they were into everything . I remember especially that Walter kept saying Dana Dammit so much that a stranger would have thought that was her name . My name for Dana is Dana Dearheart . I don 't know when I started calling her that , but that is what she is to me . Being part of a military family , they moved often . Several times we went to visit them in various places . I remember when Larry , Kathy , and I visited them at Quantico after Ray died . We all went to Virginia Beach to go camping . Linda and I wanted to camp right on the ocean , but Walter missed the turn and wouldn 't go back so we camped about a mile from the ocean . That night we were caught in the tail end of Hurricane Agnes . The storm lasted about four hours . There was a lot of destruction at Quantico from that storm . Luckily we sustained no damage . I yelled out to Walter , did they want to come in the trailer to ride out the storm and he told me he was writing a letter to Montgomery Ward that he would send if the tent didn 't blow away . Linda and the kids did come in the trailer to ride out the storm . I don 't think any of us had ever been in a hurricane before . That was quite an experience we shared . We also shared the experience of hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park . The hike we took was the day after Larry 's birthday . We had celebrated his birthday by the usual cake and ice cream plus we blew up balloons and tied them to a line we strung from two trees . They looked quite festive . The next morning we set out for Sky Pond . It was a fairly long hike . I took a wild flower book with me and whenever I wanted to rest , I would find a flower and say I had to find it in the book so I could classify it . When we finally got to Sky Pond , Linda and I jokingly plotted that maybe one of us could break a leg and when the helicopter came to take the injured person down , the other one could go for comfort . It was a beautiful hike . When we came down , all the air had gone out of the balloons and they looked as droopy as we did . By the time of this hike , I had married Kert and Kristen was a little baby . We had set the playpen up at the campsite and she kept reaching out a getting the dusty dirt . Her nickname at that time was Grubby Gertie . Kert carried her up the mountain in a back pack like carrier . Kathy got her feet wet in the snow at the top of the mountain and Kert had to carry her down . Walter carried Kristen down . I titled this post My Nieces and it is mostly about memories I have of times with them and the rest of the family . I will write another post about our experience tubing in Colorado with my brother 's family . I know I have rambled in this post , but these are some of the memories that came to me as I wrote . Please forgive the rambling . I know I have written about building a sod house in the pasture . It was a good project until the cows came and " chased " us out . I may also have written about milking the cows . I don 't think I have written about my very own calf . My very own calf was a hereford heifer . She was kept in a pen in the barn lot . I don 't know why , but I do know that a small building in the pen was used by me as a playhouse . Frequently I would try to ride her as at that time I was preparing to be a rodeo rider . She must not have known how important it was for her to at least stand still until I had mounted her . Every time I tried to get on , she would move away from me . I finally succeeded in getting on only to have her buck me off . l didn 't give up , tho ' and tried and tried again . If I did succeed in getting on , she bucked me off again . I did finally give up because Dad saw what I was doing and put a stop to it . I think he stopped it for the sake of the calf and not me . When my Mom and Dad got their divorce , they had a sale of all the cattle , equipment , and everything to do with farming . My calf was on the list of cattle to be sold . I understood this had to be done and I was kind of okay with it ; however , when she was sold to the man who transported dad 's cattle to the stockyards in Parsons , I was not okay with it . I know now that a hereford heifer calf would not be killed for meat . I didn 't know that at the time and I cried so much over it that Dad had to buy her back from him . He had to pay three dollars more to get her black than the man had paid for her . I honestly do not know who finally bought her , but I realize that Dad had to pay auctioneer fees twice plus the extra money to buy her back . I was satisfied with the second buyer apparently because that is all I remember about the sale . I just finished reading Alice Sebold 's book , Lucky . It made me want to read more , so I also read " Lovely Bones " . These books jogged my memory of an " incident " when I was in high school . The sister of one of my friends brought rape charges against one of the popular jocks in the senior class . He came from money and she did not . He was popular and she was average . He was good - looking and she was , too . He was a star football player who had his own car β¦ something a little bit unusual at that time . I don 't remember all the particulars of the when and where although I think it had something to do with a dark make - out area in Riverside Park . My imagination put the rape at the Lone Chief Cabin , an area far from the more public area of the park . The main thing I remember of the story is that my friend was ostracized because of his sister 's supposed guilt of lying about Mr . Popular Jock . Of course , the strategy at the time was to shred the reputation of the so - called victim . The gossip mills soon made the jock the victim . He got his friends to testify for him at the trial . They testified that she was an easy mark and undoubtedly asked for it . I know now that even if it were true that she was easy and even if she had had sexual intercourse with the whole football team , she was allowed to say " No " to Mr . Jock . I don 't believe she was " easy " . I believe the cards were stacked against her . Probably you have already guessed that he was found not guilty . He continued going to school at the Community College and his distinctive car was in evidence around town . He later went to a prestigious college . She and her family moved away . I have no idea what happened to either of them as I also moved away from my home town after graduation . I have often wondered what happened to both of them and having read Mrs . Sebold 's book , Lucky . I wonder if the girl had any after effects of the incident . In Mrs . Sebold 's book , the rapist is finally brought to justice , but only after a very traumatic trial and an almost total destruction of the victim . The mention of PTSD in the book reminds the reader that combat is not the only traumatic event . Leave a Comment I have always loved to read ! I read all the books in our school library which isn 't saying much . I still love to read , although I am a little more selective than I was then . I like non - fiction history , but don 't care for historical novels , you know , the bodice - tearing , big hunk hero kind . This was not always the case . I loved Gone with the Wind ! We had a big over - stuffed chair in the living room and I liked to read by leaning back on one arm and putting my legs over the other . I was often told to sit in the chair right , but it wasn 't as comfortable that way . To me , I was sitting in the chair right . I think my Mom and Dad finally got tired of telling me and gave up . When I was elven or twelve years old , Gone With the Wind came into my life . I think Aunt Anna may have included it in one of the boxes of stuff she sent from New York City . I know she sent books at times . In fact , one of the series she sent me was the complete Frank Daum series of The Wizard of Oz . I don 't know what happened to those books , but I do know what happened to Gone With the Wind . My daughter Kathy has it , having bought it on E - Bay when I sold it . That 's another story . Anyway , one Saturday morning I picked up Gone With the Wind and started reading . I got comfy in my reading chair and was immediately entranced . I did have chores I was supposed to do on Saturday , and Dad was home . His job was to remind me of my chores when I forgot . This day I didn 't forget , I just couldn 't tear myself away from that awesome book to do them . I read and he reminded . When I absolutely HAD to , I got up from my comfy chair and did a chore or two β¦ . not well , but I did do them . Then it was back to the chair and the book until he forcefully reminded me again . Anyone who has read Gone With the Wind knows that it is a long , although easy to read , book . I would rank it as one of the best books ever written . I can 't give it the absolutely best , but at the time , it was the best book I had ever read . Keep in mind at the time I was reading everything by Horatio Alger β¦ Phil , the Fiddler , etc . a series of books that followed the same plot . A young boy , always a boy , never a girl , as the hero . He was alway a poor boy from a bad background who by virtue of hard work became a wealthy man . Now there was only one kicker to the plot . The hero always came to the attention of a wealthy philanthropic man who helped him up the ladder of financial success . ( As I think about it now , I wonder what the man got out of the relationship β¦ . in today 's world , it would have been looked upon with suspicion . ) But I digress β¦ . back to Gone With the Wind . I read and read all that week - end , with minimal time outs to do chores . Dad kept saying , " Get your nose out of that book and get your chores done . " He may have finally given up . I don 't know , but I do know I read the entire book in one week - end . I loved Rhett Butler and didn 't think Scarlett was good enough for him . She , with her big attraction to Ashley Wilkes , definitely did not deserve Rhett 's undying love . Melanie was the perfect foil for Scarlett as she was so good and pure hearted . I don 't know which of these many characters I related to , but they have all stayed in my memory for all these years . I lived this book for that week - end , seeing in my mind 's eye the scenes described . Years later , Doris ( my best friend ) and I went to the movie at the Booth Theater in Independence . We took snacks and candy β¦ yes you could take candy into the theater then β¦ as the movie was very long . It had an intermission in the middle . Anyway , Clark Gable played Rhett Butler . I should say , he WAS Rhett Butler . He was my favorite movie star and his portrayal of Rhett Butler , my fictional Prince Charming , was spot on . My , how I loved Rhett Butler . There was nothing that he couldn 't do . Scarlett was still as stupid as ever for not appreciating what she had ! ( Aside : We went to the movie when Kristen was very small . Afterwards , often when there was a lull in the conversation , Kristen would say , " Scarlett fell down the stairs . " It didn 't fit into the conversation , but I guess Scarlett falling down the stairs made a big impression on her and she wanted to share . ) I hated gathering eggs ! It was a job that a young child could do , and so it was one of my chores . In the springtime , hens want to hatch eggs . After all , that is basically why they lay eggs . When they have decided to hatch the eggs , they are called setting hens . A setting hen becomes very possessive of the eggs she is trying to hatch . Grandma had a different theory about the eggs . She thought they should be gathered twice a day and brought into the house . Some of the eggs were sold to the hatchery and some were eaten by our families . The person responsible for gathering the eggs had to reach under the " setting hen " and remove the eggs . Now the hen did not think this was fair and tried by the only means she had to keep from having her eggs stolen . She pecked the gatherer β¦ . me . Chickens peck hard and often . I hated being pecked , and consequently I hated chickens . Another hazard of gathering eggs was snakes . Black snakes like eggs . I guess all snakes like eggs , but the main offender at Grandma 's was the black snake . Now farmer 's like black snakes . Egg gatherers hate them . You never really knew when you reached into a nest whether you might encounter a snake . Grandma did not like snakes getting her eggs , so she had a " darning " egg that she used to put in the nest when the snakes were especially active . A darning egg is used to put in the toe or heel of a sock when you darn ( mend ) it . Often they were onyx and egg shaped . Grandma 's trick was to put the darning egg in the nest in the hope that the snake would think it was an egg and try to eat it . Naturally , it wouldn 't digest and the snake would be killed . I think Grandma thought an egg eating black snake should be eating mice or rats and not her eggs ! I hate snakes ! I hate encountering them when I don 't expect to . I hate being pecked by chickens . No wonder I didn 't like the chore of gathering eggs . One of the things I remember about Grandma 's chickens was a time when I was very little . My cousin , Charles , who is three years older than I , but was still a little boy , was in the chicken yard when he did something to " offend " Grandma 's big Buff Orfington rooster . The rooster jumped on Charles 's back , began pecking him on the head , and also flogging him with its wings . I can still see ( in my mind 's eye ) Grandma coming to his rescue . She grabbed that rooster , and in one fell swoop , she wrung its neck . We had chicken and noodles the next day ! Now hold onto your hats for this next one . We lived about a quarter of a mile from a butcher . Mr . Bullock was a farmer who also butchered his own cattle and also did custom butchering . This meant that the carcasses needed to be hauled off . So every day the Coursey Rendering Service trucks would go by Grandma 's house on their way to Mr . Bullock 's . They drove very fast and Grandma did not like that , but there was nothing she could do about it . Anyway , once in a while one of Grandma 's chickens would get run over by the truck . She would hear the commotion and go out and retrieve the chicken , dress it , and cut off the bruised parts . This was freshly killed chicken . We ate road - kill . Like her peers , Grandma did not like waste . My Mom and Grandma killed and dressed chickens and sold them in town to the local grocery store and sometimes to people who wanted farm raised chickens . Grandma also sold eggs to the local hatchery and sometimes to the same grocery store . I remember one time when Mom was offended because a Jewish friend asked her if the chickens were kosher . Mom asked her what constituted kosher and the friend in telling her mentioned that they had to be cleaned in s particular way . Mom was offended thinking the lady had said her chickens weren 't cleaned properly . Leave a Comment |
Adam felt his feet sink into the sand as he walked along the beach , carrying his shoes . He loved the sound of the waves as they washed up the shore , the way the sand massaged his toes and most of all , the quiet solitude that held no discomfort , unlike the heavy silence that hung in the air at home . His parents ' marriage was breaking down , and in the ensuing chaos and internal warfare they had totally forgotten his seventeenth birthday . School was equally as bad , with friends and enemies alike constantly harassing him about his lack of a girlfriend . He didn 't want a girlfriend , he wanted a boyfriend , but he couldn 't tell them that or they would turn away from him in disgust and call him all sorts of names . The waves however , listened to his troubles , continuing their song as they did every day , the one stable component in his life . He would come to the beach every day after school and walk along the deserted sands , sometimes talking out loud , sometimes humming to himself , other times simply listening to the song of the sea and taking in the fresh air . By the sea , he could be himself , and dream of a better world across the ocean that he knew did not exist - a place where even people like him could live in peace . The wind blew a few strands of his black hair into his face and he pulled it aside . It was getting long compared to usual , but he didn 't care too much . Without his mother bothering to nag him about needing a haircut , he would just let it grow where it would . If they laughed at him at school he would just bear it . He had to learn to bear it , for they would invariably discover his secret eventually . He hoped he would leave school first , but then what ? Work colleagues could be just as cruel . Some day , he would just have to take it . As long as the sea was always around to listen , he was sure he would be all right . He sat on a rock and looked out . The day was drawing to a close . He loved to watch the sunset before going home , to see the sun die in radiant glory , only to be reborn in the morning . He headed home , opening the door quietly . Inside he could hear his parents upstairs , screaming at each other . He hung his schoolbag on the hook , trying desperately to ignore the sinking feeling he felt whenever they yelled at each other . Going into the kitchen , he unwrapped the salad left on for him and poked it around on the plate before giving up and tossing it in the bin . The screaming upstairs stopped and he heard heavy footsteps on the stairs and the front door slam . He waited a few minutes before climbing the stairs . He heard sobbing coming from his mother 's room but his shoulders only slumped further at the sound . He quietly slipped into his room and closed the door , and tucked himself into bed without a sound , like a shadow . He slipped off to school in much the same way . His friends met him at the gate and they went to classes . Adam looked out of the window , wishing he could be at the sea . It wasn 't that he hated classes or learning , but he often drifted off and thought of his home life instead . Ever since his mother had lost the baby , his father and her had argued . Grief was tearing them apart , over some little seed that hadn 't even bloomed yet . Adam understood that they were upset , but did not understand their anger at each other . When he got to the beach it had started drizzling , but it didn 't deter him from sitting there . The waves were powerful and the wind strong , but Adam liked the wild ocean . It knew how he felt - turbulent and in turmoil , when nobody else could relate to him . He jumped when he felt a hand tap him on the shoulder , and turned around . A boy around his age was standing there , with brown hair and soft eyes . He was going to snap ' what do you want ? ' at the boy , but caught himself . Adam looked at it and found it was one of his . Looking at his bag he saw a hole gaping in it . The bigger textbooks could not fit through the hole , but the small one had slipped through . " Yeah , it 's mine , " Adam replied , " Thanks . " He smiled , " Sorry I was a bit sharp . I just didn 't have a great day . " " So stay , " said the boy , " I could use some company myself . " He held out his hand , " I 'm Evan , by the way . I assume you 're Adam , since that 's what it says on the book . " " Oh , " replied Adam . The tide was coming in a little , " Hey , we should probably move up the beach . We don 't want to get wet . " Evan jumped to his feet and they moved up the beach , Adam bringing his schoolbag . " It 's getting dark . You sure your parents won 't worry ? " " I love the moon , " said Evan , " It 's truly a beautiful thing . " Adam nodded . He liked Evan so far ; he seemed quiet and thoughtful like himself . " I dream sometimes of an island out there , a place where I could live in peace and find true love , away from all the hatred in the world . Do you think that 's silly ? " Adam said . " Not at all , " said Evan , " I wish there was a place like that too . I 've always been bullied in school ; some days I feel so alone . I just want some happiness , someone to share things with . " They lay back and looked at the stars . Evan knew a lot about them and pointed out various constellations to Adam , who memorized them . Adam eventually fell asleep on the soft sands and Evan watched over him . He lay in his bed , looking at the ceiling , thinking of Evan . He was a boy like him , trapped in similar circumstances by the looks of it . Could it be that he 'd finally found someone to confide in ? School seemed to drag the next day , as he anticipated his meeting with Evan on the beach . He was nearly spotted by his friends as he slipped away , and was glad he managed to hide without seeing them . He wondered if they were really his friends at all . Did they really have his interests at heart ? Evan had sat and listened to him on the beach like none of them had listened to him in years . He couldn 't contemplate the thought of ever telling them he was gay , but he hoped to tell Evan soon , wanted to be able to confide in him his pains and fears . Was it because they had only just met that Adam did not fear his reaction ? These thoughts went through his mind as he headed down to the beach , and his heart sank when he saw Evan was not there . Perhaps Evan didn 't care after all ; perhaps it had just been a chance encounter that would never happen again . He walked along the beach , feeling lonelier than ever . He knelt down to pick up a shell and turned around , sensing somebody was there . He saw Evan , dressed in the same jeans and t - shirt he had been wearing the day before . " So , you want to talk about what 's bothering you ? " Evan asked , " Honestly , nothing perturbs me . So tell me whatever you like . You 'll feel better , I 'm sure . I always used to talk to my kid sister when I was down , but I can 't do that any more . It 's nice to have someone to talk to . " " When I was sixteen I realized I liked boys . I don 't think my mother was very happy ; she was called into my school because I was looking at another boy in the changing room . It was so embarrassing , but I had to tell her . She sent me to a different school then , and never talked about it again . I don 't think she ever really accepted it . " Evan sighed . Just then , raindrops started to fall . " Dammit , " said Adam , " this is going to be a heavy one . I can 't let my school books get wet or I 'll be in trouble . " " Hang on , " said Evan , and Adam could hear a match being lit and an oil lamp flared up and filled the small cave with a warm glow . Adam looked around . He could see a sleeping bag on the floor , a few shopping bags with food in , a curtain over the entrance . Someone was living in the cave β¦ " That was no lie , and no , they didn 't β¦ Please Adam , please just trust me . I can 't tell you the truth right now but I will , eventually . Please don 't leave me alone again . I need your friendship . " Evan sighed . " All right , " Adam said , " I suppose I 'll have to . If you 're stuck here , then you need my help , right ? I 'd offer you space at my house , but things there are volatile and I can 't afford to start another fight . " " I 'm really quite all right here , " said Evan , " but thanks . Really , all I need is food and something warmer to wear . I found a small amount of money and bought a few groceries , but that was all I had . " " Don 't be , " said Evan , " It 's not your fault . I 'm honestly glad I met you , Adam , and not just for food and clothing . Just to be able to share things with somebody β¦ " They went out into the rain , the cold drops falling on their skin and keeping them awake . They were nervous , but Evan gently claimed Adam 's lips and the kiss grew deeper as they went from a chaste kiss into a deeper exploratory kiss , tongues seeking each other . Adam felt a wave of desire spread through him and he rubbed up against Evan , the two boys moaning into each other 's mouths . Then he was afraid of himself , and pulled away . " I β¦ I have to go , " said Adam , and he ran from the beach , forgetting his school bag , pushing everything from his mind . He had to get home ; he had to get away from his own desires . Too much had happened in one day for him to comprehend , and he didn 't look back . If he did , he feared he would go back , feared he would beg Evan to touch him everywhere , no matter his dark secrets . No , he had to go home , had to get away . " Out , " said Adam . He had no intentions of telling his father where he had been , his father who had shown nothing but cruelty to his mother in recent times . Adam wasn 't afraid of him . " How dare you speak in such an insolent tone to me ? " his father bellowed , getting up from his chair , " How did I ever bring a loser , layabout son into the world like you ! Always dreaming , always out , never working hard like I 've worked hard . I wanted a good son who would own his own business , not a lazy ponce like you ! " He raised his hand to Adam , and Adam felt a fist meet his jaw as he was knocked backwards into the wall . He heard his mother scream from the top of the stairs , but was too dazed to respond . " I found this in your room ! " his father said , pulling out his folder of carefully written poems and throwing it down on the table . " Poems ! Worse than that , poems about men ! " Adam winced , he had hoped the poems hadn 't been so obvious , but they had been such a catharsis to him he 'd written and written , and somewhere along the line had slipped up and given the game away . He pulled some clothes from his wardrobe that looked like they 'd fit Evan , and dressed in his school uniform . Grabbing some food from the fridge , he left a message saying he was heading to school early and left . They might think he was missing and go looking for him , but he doubted it . His mother seemed to sleep the days away in her bed , while his father worked long hours at the office and had already left . " I don 't feel too great , " said Evan , " but don 't worry . I 'm glad you came back . Hey , what happened to your eye ? " Adam touched the sore spot near his eye and realized that his whole eye was swollen , probably in a black bruise . " My father hit me , " Adam said , " he found some poetry I 'd written . He knows , Evan , he knows I 'm gay . I don 't know if I can go home again . " He didn 't realize it , but now tears were welling in his eyes , falling down his cheeks . Evan sat up and pulled him close , cradling him as he cried . " I 'm sorry , Adam , " he said , gently rubbing his back , " Stay here with me today . Don 't go to school or go home to your parents , we 'll just have the perfect day . Maybe when you return home , people will realize that they missed you . " " I brought you some dry clothes and some food , " Adam said , and emptied out his bag . Evan picked up the clothes and pulled off his old shirt , throwing it to Adam , who stuffed it in his bag . He could perhaps take it home and wash it at a later date . Adam turned away as Evan undressed totally , and Evan laughed . Adam blushed , " You don 't understand , " he said , " I 've never done it before . I don 't even know anything about you , not really ! I want to fall in love before that . " " You 're sweet , " said Evan , " I agree , love is important . I suppose I assumed that because I already fell in love with you , that you would love me too . I 'm sorry . " " I guess this sounds kind of creepy , but I 've been watching you for a while . You always looked so lonely , down there on the beach . I β¦ I wanted to win your heart , to ease that pain . I felt I had found somebody like me . " Evan said , " You are β¦ like me . I even used to write poetry . So I feel like I do already know you . You don 't know me , however . I can appreciate that . " " Well , you can turn around now , " Evan said . Adam did , and had to admit , the clothes he 'd picked really suited Evan . The t - shirt was tight , pulling on his chest , and the jeans showed off his ass . Adam felt his breathing grow heavier and looked away . They ate a small breakfast with some of the food Adam had brought , and then checking nobody was about , went out onto the beach . Adam felt guilty about missing school , as a cursory glance of his watch reminded him that his friends would be in English lessons , but he also did not miss the fact that he would have been hounded with questions about his black eye . He finally took off the watch and put it in his pocket so he wouldn 't look . They built sandcastles and knocked them down , and drew words of poetry in the sand . Adam recited some of his poems from memory , and Evan smiled and recalled some of his . They made lunch a picnic outside , and laughed as sand got in their sandwiches . The day was warm , and in the afternoon they curled up in each other 's arms and took a nap on the warm sand , Evan keeping one eye open for the tide . " Do you β¦ love me ? " Evan asked . The wind tousled his hair and even in the darkness , Adam could still see the beauty that took his breath away . " I want you to stay , too , " Evan replied , and they sat down on the beach again . There was an awkward silence , broken by the sound of Evan coughing . " You sure you 're alright ? " Adam asked , concerned . " I 'd rather we stayed here . The sound of the ocean , and the feel of the sand β¦ It 's like home to me . The cave is just a place to sleep . " Evan said . They went back to kissing , then , and Adam felt his trembling hands run down Evan 's chest through his shirt , rub up his back . Their kisses became heavier and their breathing more laboured , and they pulled off each other 's clothing quickly , Adam kissing every inch of Evan 's chest like a man possessed , Evan moaning and caressing Adam through his trousers before stopping and pulling them off . Evan 's hungry look only excited Adam more , and they rubbed their bodies together in ecstasy , crying out into the night , not caring if anybody heard . Morning came all too soon , and Adam opened his eyes to see himself still on the very top edge of the beach . He was alone , and dressed in his uniform , although he had no recollection of dressing . He pulled himself to his feet quickly and looked around for Evan , but saw no sign of him . He headed up to the cave and slipped in , but he didn 't find Evan . Instead , he saw a piece of paper ripped from one of his exercise books on the floor , with a hastily scribbled message on it : " Adam , I need you to go to the address written on this paper . I am sorry I am not with you this morning , but if I see you my resolve will crumble and you will not learn what you deserve to know . I love you , Adam . Please find out the truth and return here . " Underneath was a scribbled address : 144 Baker Street . Adam knew the road ; he walked down it every day to get to school . A knot formed in his stomach , he knew the secret had to be bad but what could it be ? Perhaps he would find out why Evan was living in this cave alone . He found the house with no trouble , a regular Victorian terraced house on the main road . He knocked on the door , but got no answer . Just as he was about to leave , the door swung open . They hurried to the beach , not talking , not caring if they hurried along and attracted attention . Adam wanted , needed to know what was going on . A million questions raced through his mind . Would they argue when they saw each other ? What secret could be so terrible that Evan , who 'd said he loved him , could not even bring himself to tell ? Butterflies formed and fluttered in his stomach , and a feeling of sickness filled him . What if Evan went home to his mother and forgot about him ? He was so afraid of losing Evan , now that he 'd fallen in love with him . They reached the beach , and hurried down , Evan 's mother gasping for breath . Evan was waiting there , by the sea . He turned to look at them . He looked pale , fearful , but when he spoke his voice was calm . " What 's going on , Evan ? Your mother didn 't tell me anything ! " Adam cried . Evan 's mother was silent , appeared to be processing something . Evan shook his head , " I owe Adam an explanation first . Adam , five years ago , on this very beach , my younger sister and me went out on the sea in a dinghy . But in high winds , it capsized , and I was thrown into the sea . My sister managed to hold onto the dinghy and survived , but I β¦ " he stuttered for a moment , " I drowned , Adam . I 'm dead . " His mother started to cry , " How is it , Evan ? Are you a ghost ? I thought this boy was lying to me , but I longed to see you so much that I had to go with him . I haven 't even been able to clear out your things , your sister blames herself and is still bitter . " " I made a wish , " said Evan , " in my dying moments , and it was granted by an unseen force . For years I waited until the wish could be fulfilled , invisible for all , watching , waiting , wondering if I had done the right thing . Then , one day , I saw Adam walking along the beach , talking to the sea , and I knew he was the one that I would use my wish for . " " I wished to be loved , " said Evan , " I feared having a relationship because I thought everyone would reject me for it . When I died , it was my regret that I had never found someone I truly loved . However , even wishes have limited power . I could only be brought back to life for four days , and only once . If my efforts to be loved failed , then I would have gone onto my eternal sleep regardless . " " I cannot hide it , " said Evan , " I am dying . Today is my final day upon this world . My wish has been fulfilled , but I fear I only leave more pain behind me . Perhaps it was a selfish wish , Adam , but I love you . I truly want to see you attain happiness . Every moment has been precious to me . " " Evan , " she said , " I only wanted you to be happy . The reason I took you out of that school is that I wanted you to be older before you made such huge decision about your life . I didn 't want you to have any regrets , or look back in sorrow . Your father died with so many regrets , Evan . I just didn 't want you to suffer . " " Mother , " said Evan , " I know you were only trying to help . I don 't want you to feel bad about the accident . Please tell Eliza it wasn 't her fault , either . It was just fate . " He coughed deeply , and Adam supported him , rubbing his tearstained face into Evan 's shoulder . " Mother , I want you to know I am happy . My life here is complete now . Although I would love to live another fifty years , that is not possible . I 'll always be watching you . " Evan 's mother turned away , " Thank you , Evan , I can continue with my life now , having seen you one last time . I wondered for years if it had been an act of suicide , but now , talking to you , I know it was an accident . I can rest , now . I 'll tell Eliza , even if she never believes me . " She began to walk away . " Goodbye , Evan , " she said , " I am glad you found happiness in your final hours . " Then she was gone , hurrying away . " I don 't want you to leave me , Evan , " said Adam , " I need you in my life . What will I do , about my family ? How will I live without you ? " " Go home and face them , " Evan said , " be proud of yourself and don 't bend to the will of others about who you are . Only you really know that . Live each day to the fullest , and most of all , don 't forget β¦ forget me . " His breathing was raspy now , " Adam , I love you . I wish we had had more time . I am sorry I couldn 't tell you sooner , but I wanted a day of true happiness , unfettered by thoughts of death and parting . " " I have β¦ a request , " he said , " Adam , take my body out to sea . It 's where I belong now . I washed up on the shore that first day , and now I need to return β¦ please β¦ " So at sunset he bought Evan 's body out and laid it in the small rowing boat . Adam went with Evan , leaving Evan 's mother behind on the shore , rowing the boat out into the sunset . When he reached a good distance out , he picked up Evan 's body , lowering him into the water with a sandbag tied to him so he would remain there for all time , as he had wished . He rowed the boat back alone , tears streaming down his face for the man he loved . He had never imagined that Evan would die , the thought had never entered his mind , and the weight was like a crushing blow to the soul . Yet they had loved each other , and given to each other , and despite the pain in his heart Adam did not regret a moment of their love . He knew , in time , that it would be a memory to guide him and one he would cherish for the rest of his days , and that the pain would subside and perhaps someday , he would love again . A few days later , he was heading to school when he passed Evan 's old home . He stopped and knocked on the door , not knowing what the reaction would be . Would Evan 's mother disbelieve everything she had seen , or had she accepted it ? He had to know , and so he called . " Oh , Adam , " Evan 's mother said , answering the door , " I have something for you . Just a minute . " She went into her hallway and rooted in a box , one of many that were in the room . " He would have wanted you to have it , I think , " she said , " We took this photo the day he died . For many years I could not stand to look at it , but it was the Evan you remember , so I want you to have it . Anything else you would like or anything you need at all , even if you just want to chat , come by any time . " |
He gulped the rice and repeated the question . " It 's a surprise . You will know about it soon . Finish your dinner and wash your hands . We have to go feed the animals in the shed " " Not tonight . Off you go now " Rishi always loved this part of the evening , when he would feed the animals with his father . He had a feeling , these were not just animals , but his own siblings . He believed , that the animals could communicate with him . As he went near them and touched , and called out their names , their reaction always made his heart jump with joy . Every evening , he would stroke on their head , tickle their neck , and would put the feed in their respective areas . It was definitely a wonderful family . That night , he couldn 't sleep until late . He was thinking about his birthday gift . He would be 10 years old . He would no longer be a little boy . He was determined he would get the surprise out of Baba . His mother woke him early the next day . She said he had to accompany baba , who was going to the city . Rishi was very excited . He guessed , it was probably for his birthday gift . They got into a non - stop , and so was he , talking non - stop to his baba . He could feel it when they were about to enter the city . It was noisy , but he loved the noise . He was always curious to know , why cities were so noisy , compared to his village . They entered a cab , which took them to a quiet place . Rishi was tucked into a comfortable bed . He was tired of the lack of sleep the previous night and also the bus journey , he drifted to sleep in a jiffy . A couple of days later , on his birthday , his parents were standing near his bed . " Baba , is my gift ready ? " Rishi asked . " Almost my dear boy , almost " and his baba looked at the doctor . His mother pressed baba 's hands , she was then signaled to stand in a pre - decided place . " So , Master Rishi , are you ready for your gift ? " The doctor asked " Ofcourse , can you please take out this blindfold , enough of surprises now " Rishi was getting impatient . As Rishi opened his eyes slowly , he saw his parents for the first time in his life . He was not sure if it was them , only way to find out was to feel them . " Ma , baba is that you ? " Rishi tried to extend his hand to reach them . Both held his hand and nodded . His mother had to wipe of the tears coming from her eyes . She couldn 't believe that her son could now see her . " Ma , you are so beautiful and Baba , you are a strong man . I can see both of you . I can 't believe it . This is the best birthday gift " Rishi again spoke non - stop , till he was interrupted by the doctor to take some rest . Couple of days later , on the way back to the village , Rishi was the most silent person in the bus . He did not want to miss out a single sight outside . As soon as they reached their house , he ran to the shed . He couldn 't identify which animal was called by which name . As soon as he touched them and called out their names , all the animals reacted in the usual way . Rishi was so glad , he could feel them and now he could see them as well . Thoughts by As kids , most of us would have loved train journeys . An important reason why I loved these journeys was , it was a beginning to my reading habit , I fell in love with reading comics , I fell in love with Tinkle and the likes . Most importantly , I fell in love with Hindu Mythology . My grandmother , mother , did tell stories of Ramayana , Mahabharata , but to see those characters in books was a completely different experience . Ofcourse this was much before we saw the characters on screen on DoorDarshan . The train journey meant , a magazine for my mother and 2 Amar Chitra Katha Books for me . And the best part was , I got to choose the comic books . In one such selection , I choose the fat book ( compared to all the AMC books ) of Ramayana . The cover page was captivating . The calm face of the Blue coloured Rama , with the beautiful Sita sitting next to him , a deer running in their vicinity , and the devoted Lakhsman nearing the couple , something which has never faded away from my memory . That has been my favorite cover page in the comic book genre . There were times when I have read these comics and questioned my granny or my mother , on those sub plots in the main stories which they have told me . My mother was more than glad to get me those books so that I would stop troubling her with stories , alas , she could never get rid of the cute little curious brain of mine ( ahem ahem . . I was cute back then ) My brother , was not as inclined as me towards Hindy Mythology , but I loved reading those books to him , rather narrate the whole tale , page by page , every picture in the book , and at times , add my own story to it . Proabably making up stories started at that time . And as if my mother dint have enough of me , she now had two of questioning , why Rama did not protest , why Hiranyakashyapa , had to be killed by half man half lion . How Parasurama and Rama both incarnations of Lord Vishnu , challenge each other ? How could Ganesha made of Clay come to life ? Lot of such questions , she would at times drive us away to study our curriculam , and during vacation times , point us to our granny , who would then tell us more stories . My fascination towards Amar Chitra Katha 's Mythology stories did not end with my childhood , or even my studying days . When I was in an Indian Store in Atlanta , I happened to see a thin comic book . I recognized the logo , and went near the book with the same enthusiasm as I had during my childhood . Ofcourse , I read a couple of pages in that store , and with a heavy heart kept it down . Now , everytime I see those books in any of the book store , and we are scouting for gifts to be given to kids , its always my first choice , a set of these books . And some day , when I have kids , and they grow up to start reading , I will get them loads of these comic books . Well , I can start collecting them now , who says only kids have to read them : ) Sometime last year , on one of the radio stations , they had a section called " Ghanta Singh " . I used to like it . At times it would be silly , but most of the times funny , on how the section went . Few months went by , and they changed it from Ghanta Singh to Mr . Ghanta , and the series continued . I dint understand why they removed the Singh in the first place . I then assumed , probably it was offending some people and that 's why the change . A few months back , in company , I saw one guy , a sardar . He wasn 't too tall , not too short either . Rather he had a cute face , in a way an innocent look . Words actually fail me here , in his description . But as soon as I saw him I told G " He looks like Ghanta Singh " . G was surprised , " When and Where have we ever seen Ghanta Singh in the first place " . From that day , till date everytime I see him , I can feel my mind and heart calming down . It 's like being in a serene place . I don 't know what effect he has on me . But however tensed I am or upset I am , the moment I see him , it brings a smile on my face . It 's the affect a stranger has on you , unknowingly . I definitely wouldn 't want to go and speak to him or even let him know about this . It 's nice this way . It 's been a long time since I have seen my " Ghanta Singh " . Ofcourse there are some people , who can just spoil our mood , just by their aura in a room . But let 's look at all the good people who make moments better for us . Sheshadri woke up at 5 . 00AM , his usual time every day . He completed his morning rituals and was at the breakfast table by 7 . 00aM . He had the day 's newspaper in his hand . While he was busy pondering over some important news item , his wife snatched the paper and kept a plate in front of him . It was his favorite breakfast . " What 's special today ? You have prepared my favorite after a long time " he winked at her " Ofcourse it 's a special day . Isn 't It ? " She smiled and went in to get the hot cup of filter coffee . After the breakfast , Sheshadri went to his room to get dressed . He took out the neatly ironed crisp white dhoti . It had a very thin golden zari border . He then took out his favorite light blue shirt , and then wore the black coat , which made him look very handsome . As he proceeded to leave the room , near the door was his cream and gold turban , which he picked on the way out . As he was nearing the main door , he realized he forgot his most loved possession . He went back to his writing desk and picked up his pen . He put it in the pocket of his coat . As Sheshadri walked , almost every day greeted him with a smile . There was no doubt ; he was one of the most respected men in the entire community . In 20 minutes , he reached school . He had been a part of school , from the time he was a kid . The first time he came to the school , was with his dad . They did not have uniforms then . He wore a mini white dhoti and a grey shirt with a black turban . His grandmother had pinned up a peacock feather to his turban . She always thought of him as Lord Krishna . He had been a top scorer in Mathematics , Science and Sanskrit . He had ventured out of the town to gain knowledge in the 3 subjects . He had come to the town and joined the same school as a teacher . In a few years , he was able to convince everybody that girls deserved to be in such a great school and they deserved to have girls in their school . Years later , his children were students of the school . He had served the school for 35 years . It was time for him to retire . Neither him nor the school wanted him to leave . But they had to abide by the rules . As he entered his room , there was a note kept on his desk You have always been our inspiration . We will be grateful our entire life . We would like to invite you to the auditorium , for a little surprise . Please grace the occasion . - A humble request from your students and staff " He remembered how he had gone in search of the best builders in town to get the auditorium built . It surely was one of the best in couple of towns nearby . As he neared , the building seemed too huge and overwhelming to him . The security guard near the door , smiled and bowed in respect , and opened the door . As Sheshadri stepped in , he could hear the loudest applause ever in his life . The number of people in the auditorium was astonishing . Students had come from all over the country . As he neared the stage , the crowd cheered . He took the centre stage , folded his hands in front of everybody , and bowed down . The applause had stopped but there was not a single person present who had not stood up . He gestured them to take their seats . He also took his place on the stage . The farewell went for hours together , where Sheshadri did not utter a word , but everybody else wanted to convey what his role had been in their lives . He was moved by their speech , and content that he had touched so many lives . The vice - principal of the school came to make a speech . He wished Sheshadri for a peaceful life ahead and mentioned that they would be like lost sheep without his guidance , and that even though he would officially not be a part of the school , his suggestions and guidance would always be required . Finally , it was time for Sheshadri to give the speech . He had never liked long speeches as a kid . He had followed the same principle as a teacher and till date as a principal . His speech was always , short and crisp . He made sure they left a mark on the audience . But today , he was emotional . He dint know how to talk . For the first time in years , he felt , he would probably fumble in front of his students . His first speech as a student flashed in front of him . He remembered , he was the 1st standard , and he was supposed to talk about a topic for a minute . The topic given to him was school . Sheshadri smiled . He knew what he was about to tell his audience . As he came near the mike , students rosThoughts by Ranga kept his foot on the bed sheet , while Swamy was trying to pull it , trying to cover his face . A few minutes later , when Swamy knew his efforts were futile , he rolled the sheets over Ranga . There were no beds to make early in the morning , for they had no beds to sleep on . They slept on the floor . There was no room to clean . They did not even have a house , and were satisfied sleeping on the pavement of the railway station . This was their life for years , from the time they were born . " Ranga - Swamy " , the station master , Pratap called out , and both ran upto him . It was their breakfast time . This was the one meal he could provide to the duo . Pratap had given them shelter years before . Both were at his doorstep . His family was huge ; hence he couldn 't afford to accept them to be a part of his family . He secretly allowed them to stay near the railway station . He would buy breakfast for them on the way . The porters took pity on them and allowed them to help in the work . They got their share and lived off it in a corner . Even though both grew up together , they were different in many ways . Swamy was always the one who spoke to everybody ; Ranga was the stronger one , but a silent follower of Swamy . His eyes did most of the talking . " Ranga - Swamy " were the names given by Pratap , to the lovely duo . As days passed by , Swamy noticed Ranga was slowly losing his strength . He wanted to take Ranga to a doctor , but they hardly made money to satisfy the daily needs , spending for a doctor visit seemed out of bounds . Swamy decided , he would take help from Pratap , just this once . The duo never accepted any monetary help from him . They knew how difficult it was for Pratap to manage his family . They not intend to burden him with their problems . But , this time , Swamy couldn 't resist . It was not for him , but for his companion , who had been with him all these years . There was not a day which passed by , when ' Ranga - Swamy ' were not together . The next morning , Pratap handed over the breakfast to the duo . Ranga took the food and walked away , he wasn 't cheerful , like the usual . Swamy later discussed the problem with Pratap . Even though Pratap could not afford to take care of them , he considered them their own . He checked the amount he had in his safe deposit box . They decided to take Ranga for a check - up the next day . A month later , Swamy woke up . But , this time , there was nobody to pull his sheets , nobody to roll over the bed sheets with him . His companion Ranga had moved over to a different world , leaving Swamy alone in the world , they had shared till then . Swamy quietly folded the sheets and kept it away . He went on with his routine ; the smile on the 12 year old boy was missing . A fortnight earlier , when Pratap and Swamy took Ranga for the doctor visit , they were shocked to learn , Ranga had only a few more days left . Though Pratap understood the situation , it was difficult for Swamy . Ranga was also around 12 years . The doctor then explained to Swamy , a dog 's life span is different from that of a human and Ranga , being a dog , was nearing the end of his life . The week after the visit was most miserable . But , the duo had the satisfaction of being with each other , their entire life . Ranga had pulled the sheets from Swamy 's face and once they both had rolled over the sheets and on each other , they started panting for breadth . Ranga was on his best friend 's lap , in a few minutes he became motionless . Swamy knew , it was time . A tear drop from Swamy 's eyes trickled down to Ranga 's face . A decade later , Swamy still is a porter in the railway station . He tries to help any stray animal . He has an old photograph of Ranga and him , which Pratap had gifted him . The void left by Ranga has not been filled by anyone in his life yet . Pratap hopes one day Swamy will find someone , who does just that , takes Ranga 's place in Swamy 's heart . " Ranga - Swamy " till then will remain inseparable . Nikon D7000 , Canon 550 D , Nikon 5100 - G was on constant research for the past few months . Well , he was researching on DSLRs for a longer time , to choose among the 3 mentioned , it was a few months . I was not totally convinced that we need a SLR . We have a good Canon point and shoot S3 IS , and the person who uses it most is me . Ofcourse we had our discussions and anrguements . I did not find it sensible enough to spend thousands on something , we were hardly going to use . D7000 was definetly a no from my side as it cost around 70K . I was finally ok with either of the other two cameras as they were nearly half of the first one . Fortunately , D7000 is not in stock from quite some time , hence leaving us with two cameras to choose . Last week we became the proud owners of Canon 550 D . Our anniversary is coming up this month , and what better gift to us , from us , which will be used by us . As of now , both of us are exploring the camera . And I must say , I am enjoying it . It definelty worth it . Here is my fav pic till now , taken in Lalbagh on 6 - May - 2012 . Reminds me of Cherry blossom in Macon , USA Kumar was returning to his village after a decade . The city had given him all that he had wished for , as a kid . It was a long journey in his life to blend into the city life . But , it would be longer to go back to his original life . It was as if all these years he was living in a dream . A dream , where he lived as someone else . He had no regrets of leaving his village , for he knew , he would return . The bus was crowded , but Kumar had managed to get a window seat . It was probably the effect of his attire . The neatly pressed white shirt and the blue jeans , which he had changed into at the railway station , made him look no less than a movie star . The Polaroid dark glasses on his chalked out face , and the neatly set hair just added more stars to his appearance . As soon as he got the luggage loaded on the bus , the other passengers made way and let him select any seat on the bus . He was busy soaking in the scenery the route had to offer . He had four hours before he could reach his house , his village , the place where he spent his childhood . His thoughts were running faster than the bus . Were they running ahead to see his future ? Or to go back to the sweet memories of the place , was something nobody except Kumar could tell . He remembered his house and the temple . Both the places , where his favorites in the village . He would always enquire about them . He had unlimited memories from the time spent near the temple . He would go there every day with his friends . The banyan tree , on the banks of the river , just behind the temple , used to be their hangout place . He would run into the temple and try to touch the huge temple bell . He wasn 't tall enough then , to touch it . He would come back with a long face , to cheer him up , his friends would form a tower , for him to climb up and hit the bell . After this they would run away fearing the scolding from the temple priest . Since Kumar would fall from the top of the tower , almost every day there would be wound or a bruise on his body . The bell rang , but this time , it wasn 't the temple Kumar stepped in , on one side , he saw the cowshed . There were a dozen of cows . Few years back , when he left , there were just a couple of cows and one of them was pregnant , due to deliver the calf . The sight of the cows and and cow dung in round shapes on the wall brought a smile to his face . He remembered how he would help his mother make those cow dung cakes . In that excitement , he would smear the dung all over his body and would get scolded by his mom for messing himself . His mother would remove his dirty clothes and bather him with the water from the well . As he stared at the well , he visualized a small boy playing with a bucket of water . The boy 's mother was forcing him to quit playing , bathe quickly and change into the dry clothes . She was splashing water on him . He could feel the same , and realized , somebody was actually sprinkling water on him . He looked at the hand . They were the same tender hands which took care of him in his childhood . The same hands which bid good bye to him , when he was set to leave the village . He touched the hand and kept it on his head . His mother had promised him , whatever happened ; she would never leave his side . She had kept her promise . She was his moral support . He looked at her eyes . He could see tears , similar to how they were when he was leaving . There was one difference , this time he could spot the joy hidden n them . The tears were shining like diamonds . The mother and son hugged each other . As they parted , Kumar 's father stepped forward . He was waiting for this embrace for a long time . He met his relatives , distributed the gifts he had carefully packed for everyone . His mom just couldn 't take her eyes off him and her fingers were busy ruffling his hair . His father looked at him with pride , while Kumar felt content lying on the floor with his head supported on his mother 's lap . Kumar was eager to visit his childhood hangout place , the temple . In the evening , he dressed up in the traditional attire and went to the temple . As he entered , he saw a tower of kids and onThoughts by The sound is so mesmerizing . You can easily get lost in them . It 's a constant thing . Day or night , it is the same sound . The intensity might vary at times , but if you observe closely , it 's just the same . What is it that I am writing about here ? It 's the Waves . Waves in an ocean . In the vast ocean , there probably aren 't as many waves in the middle . But the shore has only waves . The sea shore is where we belong . There is humongous amount of human inhabitation , so to us , the first thing about ocean is water and of course waves . All we care about is how huge the waves are . Will it take away from us , something we love ? But legend has it ; the ocean never takes anything away from us forever . Whatever it takes , it returns the same , after a while . Well , in what condition , it is up to us to imagine . I was just looking t the ocean . It was throwing at me , some small , some huge waves . What was it trying to tell me ? Probably I could take a message : A wave which looks huge , very huge at a distance , might die down , before it comes to the shore . This is like a problem in life . At far , it might look huge , but it might not be a problem at all , by the time it comes near us . But that doesn 't mean we ignore everything which is huge at a distance . Similarly , a wave which is small at far , might just build up and hit you as a huge one , and sweep you off your feet . Aren 't they so similar to our problems ? It is up to us to remain alert at all times , yet enjoy the small waves the ocean throws at us . Just like our life . As strange as it seems , the mighty ocean filled with salt water , and of course mysteries inside , has a great lesson to teach us , creatures on the shore . In a village near Chitradurga , Sundari seemed like the happiest woman of the day . She had woken up an hour earlier than the usual . Had she slept at all the previous night was questionable . She had completed all her morning rituals much ahead of sunrise . Sundari was the river bank when she witnessed the sun rise . It was the usual time and the same scene , but on that day , it seemed like the most beautiful sunrise she had even seen in her lifetime . After the mesmerizing sight she filled her mud pots with water and headed back home . As she reached home , her husband had woken up , completed his morning rituals and was offering his prayers to God . She hurried to the kitchen to make him a drink . He always had a glassful of Kashaya after the prayers . It was hot drink comprising of water boiled with pepper corn , cumin and few leaves of holy basil . She would add a clove and a cardamom too , so that it would lend a sweet flavor and acted as a mint too . It was a special day for the couple . Their son was to return . He was taken away fourteen years back . Sundari remembered the day very well . The entire village had seen her cry . She wailed as if her son was about lose his life . In a way , it was true . He wouldn 't be a free person anymore . He would be bound . " Why at such a young age ? " she would question her husband once in a while . He could only hide his tears and pat on her shoulder as she leaned on his body for comfort . Her son would accompany her to the river bank . He loved flowing water . While she would sit at the banks , he would be busy swimming and splashing water all over . Once done and out of water , he would come running to her , she would wipe him and dress him up with fresh clothes . Both of them would sit on a rock nearby and watch the sun rise just behind the small temple on the huge mountain . Both would go to the palace after this . Sundari was one of the maids there and her son was one of the playmates of the prince . The two boys were very close to each other . Together , they would have the best times . They would run arThoughts by Ragini , a 10 year old , was the most cheerful girl Mandari Village had seen in years . Everybody in the village loved her . Every morning , she would be seen coming out of a place as good as heaven , with a pot on her head . She would walk till the river , to fill water . They had a huge well at the backyard ; this water was used for household purposes . They needed the water from the sacred river only for the rituals . She would wear a long skirt , a matching blouse both with zari border . She would have 2 thick long plaits , and a strand of Jasmine buds adored one of the plaits . She had a dozen of glass bangles to match with her dress . But there was one way , which couldn 't prevent anybody from noticing her . Her silver anklets , with a numerous small bells . The moment stepped , the anklets would catch the attention of everybody around . With a pot of water on her head , Ragini playfully would walk thru the fields ; greet everybody on her way towards the house . The house where she stayed wasn 't less charming . Small hills surrounded the huge house . The entrance of the house was a beautiful arch , with iron rods shaped like arrows pointing down , forming the border for the arch . There was a long corridor , adorned with classy antique artifacts and paintings . The house had a smell of fresh flowers . It was the rainy season , as soon as Ragini entered the house with the pot of water , it had started drizzling outside . She loved the rains . She had heard stories from the elders at home , about heaven and gods . And when it rained , she would run to the backyard , and lean at the door and watch the scenery change . It looked like heaven , same as the stories she had heard . At front , the arch seemed like a waterfall , with water dripping from the arrows pointing down . Once the rain stopped , the drops of water at the tip of the arrows would shine like crystals . Ragini would try to jump and touch these crystals . She could never succeed and the guards near the house would lift her up so that she could touch them . She always told them " I will grow talThoughts by The " Kill to Win " fights happened every year . The crowd had gathered in huge numbers . It was the day of the " Big " fight . The Finale . Both the fighters were experts . They had not lost a single fight . They had never faced each other in any tournament . They were brothers , hence were never allowed to compete against each other . These fights never enthused the duo . It was the pressure of the audience , and the money involved in these fights , the owners coaxed the duo to participate in the fights . The knives were sharpened and tied to them , this could be used later . Both of them seemed to be well fed , for they looked bigger than the normal . As they took the centre stage , the crowd cheered . They were doped , as the anger in their eyes dint seem genuine . How else could the owners get the two to fight against each other ? They were at their respective stands waiting for the whistle . The whistle blew and they ran towards each other . There was a head on collision . Neither of them backed out . It seemed like none of the other parts existed . They used their head to hit each other . The knife tied also came into play . There were scratches found on both of them . The heat on the centre stage increased . Drops of blood on the stage were visible . Both of them were bleeding at many places . But the format was " Kill to Win " , so no mercy was taken . The match wouldn 't end until one of them had the last breath of life . There came a moment when , one of them was too fatigued . He wasn 't able to respond to the blows . He was on the verge of collapsing . Just then a whistle blew . The crowd was confused . They looked at the direction of the whistle . They were shocked to see , police vans coming in . Behind the vans was the ambulance . The stretchers came out and fighters were carefully carried on the stretchers , into the ambulance . It was a Veterinary Ambulance . The police had decided , they had to stop these " Cock Fights " , else the PETA would give them a tough time . What better time to do this , than on the final day of " Kill to Win Thoughts by The view from the mountain top was amazing . Vikas did not know if there existed anything better in the world . This would be his first time . He was planning to jump from this point on his bike . He wasn 't supposed to take this path . It was Out of Bounds for racers . He even wondered , how he was allowed till this point , inspite of the barricades around . Vikas had taken the wrong way , in the middle of the race , by mistake , and that 's how he reached that point . He knew he had to get back to the race , though he dint know how he would do it . There was just one thought hovering his mind at that instant , to jump from the point , so that he could reach somewhere near his competitors . Vikas stood at the tip for a couple of minutes . All of a sudden he jumped . He had a safe landing . To his surprise , he was just 100m from the winning point . He cruised that distance and lifted both his hands embracing the win . Even though he was the winner , there was some confusion on how he reached the point . The software cleared the confusion . He had got extra point for the stunts performed , When he jumped from the tip of the mountain , he had performed the greatest stunt in the history of the race . This made him gain all the points to put him in a place ahead of his competitors . " GAME OVER " flashed on Vikas 's laptop screen . He was overjoyed . Infact the feeling was much more than that . He placed the laptop on the bed . He sat and pushed his wheelchair towards the kitchen to have the yummy lunch which his mother had prepared . As he closed the door behind him , a newspaper cutting stuck to the door fell down . It read " Star Bike Racer , Vikas Manchanda loses his limbs performing a dangerous stunt on the mountains " Last night , on radio , the RJ was discussing about Confusion in Love ( nowadays ) . How Love has lost its meaning in the modern times ? How people don 't care for each other ? How Love is shallow these days ? Worst of all - comparing what our parents had what our grandparents had , and how we don 't have it . Girls nowadays think , would the guy be able to provide here basic needs ? Will I get so much property if I marry this guy ? Seriously , do girls think like this , when they want to get married . Maybe the parents think about it , to make sure the girl has a tension free life , but that 's not the basis for love . Or is it ? I overheard this or read this somewhere , only if you give a girl a diamond necklace , will she love you . How shallow a thought is that ? That definelty cannot be true love . May be a passing cloud , but not your soul mate . I am sure , that guy hasn 't fallen in love . I am not going to talk about the whole generation here . But , why can 't we think in a positive way . For one , the situation in which our parents and grandparents were is totally different from what we are currently . During the time of our grandparents , they were married off at a young age , even before they could understand what love is all about . In most of the times , the girl was financially dependent on her husband . So at that time , did the girl not think - will my husband provide for my basic needs ? Let 's say , the husband treated her badly or she did not like her husband ( for whatever reasons ) , what could she do ? She couldn 't go back to her parent 's house , for various reasons . They had many other sons and daughters to be married off , hence couldn 't take care of her . They couldn 't fathom the idea that the guy can be wrong in any way . Or for a simple reason like - What would the society say ? I have heard stories from our grandmothers on how , ladies stuck to their husbands , not because of love , but because of these reasons too . Nowadays , most of us don 't have these reasons ; our parents want us to be happy . They are ready to heaThoughts by This was the first time he was out on the roads alone . His mother had warned him , but he was adamant . He was standing , all alone to cross the road . It was peak hour , and the road had all possible vehicles in huge numbers . He had to dodge all this to reach the other end of the road . He kept one foot in the front , in a moment he pulled it back , just before a bike went past him . He could recollect his mother 's warnings . But he had to prove to her , he was no longer the little guy . The next time he was careful and covered a few steps . He had just covered quarter of the distance , a car just passed by , he took a few steps back , another bike behind him , he had to take few steps forward . He was hoping he had wings to fly away . Yet , he had managed to cover most of the distance , doing this go back - come front routine . " Look at that little guy crossing the road " a guy in the car was telling his wife . She was trying to get a glimpse of this , when she saw a huge tyre crushing the little one . The mother , stood helpless , on the other end , not able to go near her son , after his death . " Oh no , you shouldn 't have told me to see that " the lady in the car said " What happened ? " he asked " What 's the use of camouflage if it can 't save you ? The little chameleon is dead . An auto just ran over it " she felt sorry for the little guy . " The bus is yet to start , it 's already full . I was just lucky to get a seat . Call it my luck , that I got a seat facing everybody in the bus . This meant total entertainment . I was scanning the bus for interesting faces . My eyes stopped when I noticed a pretty face . She wasn 't a beauty queen , but you could just feel some warmth in her face . Any guy would just fall for this girl . She had the window seat , hence was busy looking outside . Rishi , you should come in this bus often . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " When will this bus start ? I am lucky today , to get a window seat . The aisle seats are so boring . Now I can just forget all my worries , and just observe people on the roads . Or I can just keep the window open , close my eyes and feel the air , which would start hitting my face , in sometime . Aah ! ! ! There comes the driver , I hope he starts the bus soon . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Nice Tea . Now it 's time to get into the bus , and wage a war against traffic . Everybody thinks , we bus drivers have it easy . Nobody realizes how much stress we have to deal with , due to traffic . It 's the peak hour ; it will take 2 hours to reach the last stop . I am already hungry , wonder what my wife has packed for lunch . If it 's not good enough , I 'll exchange it with Suma 's lunch . After all having a lady conductor in the bus has its advantages . " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " I think we should start in 2 minutes . I will finish the first round of giving out tickets . It seems there is going to be ticket checking after 2 stops . Ticket β¦ Ticket β¦ Why don 't you people bring any change ? Are we running a bank here , that you will give us a Rs . 500 note for a Rs . 7 ticket and I will have the change . Move back , move back . Uncle , why are you standing here ? Couldn 't you ask one of the young boys to give you a seat ? Hello Sir , We know you are staring at a pretty face , but do you mind Thoughts by Eve Teasing , this topic is being discussed a lot these days . I am not even going to put forth my point of view on whether dressing of a girl is the cause or not etc etc . All I want to do is vent out , the incidents in my life . I was in school , we had to go to Majestic for a movie . We dint have car those days , so if 4 of us were to travel , it was either bus or auto . Auto was usually taken during the return journey . We got down from the bus , were walking towards the theatre . I was walking holding my mom 's hands . I saw her walking with elbow stretched outwards , wondered why . I felt a pinch , when I turned to see , I saw a man grinning at me . I turned my face and continued to walk . A few more pinches here and there , I understood , I had to use my hand in defense . Next time we went to Majestic , I knew I had hit a few men with my elbow , and some pretty hard too . Another incident happened when I was in II PUC / 12th std . I used to go to early morning classes . It was usual that my dad drop me to the class , not because I couldn 't walk , but I used to wake up late and my dad had to literally go in full speed on his Bajaj scooter so that I reached on time . One day , dad had to go and pick my brother from the railway station at that time , who was coming back from the trip . I go up early enough to walk in a peaceful pace . It was 6 in the morning , and Bangalore was definetly hot at that time , I had worn a salwar kameez , a jacket with a hood ( definetly not the attractive kinds ) . I was walking at a fast pace , lest I get late for the class . I heard some guy talking . I ignored it initially , thought he was talking to someone . I then heard him , calling out to me . I was scared now . I turned back , and he was alone and was definetly calling me . I increased my pace , I could hear him coming faster towards me . I literally started running . It was a panic situation , and I dint know what to do . I thought I will pick a nearby stone and throw at him , that 's what I used to do , if a dog chased me . Luckily , I came near a house , where some guy was Thoughts by He was plannning to call her today , again . It was 4th day in a row , she had avoided his call . He had no choice but to call her . He had got her number 10days back and he had called her since . After a few calls , she started ignoring him . He couldnt let her go . He had to call her . Just when he was wondering how to reach her , an idea flashed in his mind . Her phone rang . It was an unknown number . She was in a fix , but finally decided to pick the call . As soon as he heard her sweet voice , he said , " Hello Madam . This is a call from XXXX phone services . You are our valued customer . . . . . " Their eyes were red . Everybody could sense the anger . This was not a rare sight in the locality . Infact people were fed up with the gang wars . They wished somebody catch the two groups and punish them . A couple of them from the rival gang had entered the street and the whole group just chased them out . The loud noise had created such ruckuss . The children in the street were petrified to get out on the streets when the Street chase was on . The groups did not believe in using any weapons . The physical strength was all they were proud of . The leaders of the 2 gangs were young and energetic . They weren 't too handsome , but powerful nevertheless , and the faces could make you cringe at times . One of them was as dark as the night , but had a white patch around his eye , making him noticeable among the group . He was made the leader . He made it clear , and marked the territory , nobody could dare enter their place . The other leader wasn 't left behind . Though his skin dint show any difference from the rest , his eyes had a weird colour , and would make you shudder . It was as if , anybody could get hypnotized . He was very young when he became the self proclaimed leader of his gang . It was very difficult for anybody new to find a place in either of the gangs . One early morning , the people were woken up by a big commotion . They peeped through the windows of their homes , there was bloodshed . Both the gangs were on top of each other , literally tearing each other apart . The corporator of the locality was informed , he called the right authorities . Finally 2 vans arrived on the street and somehow managed to get all of them in the vans . As the vans departed , happy people were seen on the streets . " Finally , our Streets are free of the Dog menace " , somebody heard a man talking on phone . Anagha , was the eldest child of her parents . Her mom dreamt of her daughter 's wedding since the day she was born . Every time she visited the jewellery shop , she would buy something for her daughter . When Anagha would disapprove of the ornament , her mom would just say , you are not wearing it now , it 's for your wedding . Anytime , Anagha said , " Mom , it 's a lovely saree " , her mom would never wear it . It would go in the suitcase labeled - Anagha 's Sarees . All the old clothes would be given off to the steel vessel vendor , and a kitchen utensil would be bought . But the kitchen would never see any of these new vessels , instead they would find a place in a carton labeled - Anagha 's Kitchen set . Though her mom dreamt of her daughter 's wedding , she never forced it on her . She let her daughter dream about her future . She let her daughter fly , explore the world , understand what 's good or bad for her . Years passed by , and the time finally came when Anagha chose her life partner . The two of them were engaged and were to get married in 6 months time . While Anagha was excited and anxious about her new life , her mom was a similar state . Her dream was coming true . Her only daughter , her best friend would be married . The preparations had started 25 years back , now was the time to implement all the grand plans . There were only discussion at home was about the wedding . There were times when Anagha would get frustrated , as there was no other topic discussed at home . She understood , her mom wanted to make the wedding day a special day for Anagha . She dint want to leave out even a minute detail . Anagha even fought with her mom , that , she was stressing over this wedding , and health was taking a back seat . But there was nobody who could stop her mom 's excitement . On the wedding day , Anagha 's mom looked at her , took her face in her palms , kissed her forehead , and quickly left the room , for her to get ready for the wedding . It was time , for the Kanyadaana . Both mother and daughter had decided , they wouldn 't cry . ThThoughts by Joy and sorrow enter our lives alternately . Its up to us , which ones we want to discard and what we cherish . . . Certain moments just dont leave your heart , such moments just make a way to the blog |
Rose had been married to a man who beat her daily , both physically and psychologically . She became dependant on her abuser and when he dies , she has no way to cope . She falls into a deep depression fuelled by years of anger and estrangement . When Nick is a young boy of age seven , still reeling from the death of his father , he becomes subject to Rose 's anger at the world . At first he just accepts the abuse , but then he learns to cope with it . As he grows older , Rose insists he become her constant companion and surrogate husband , to the detriment of his own development . He wants to make his mother better , and at the same time he is fighting hard to survive the race - the race for his own identity and freedom . " The Rose Amongst the Thorns " is the true story of three people and their will to survive and ultimately thrive as a family unit . What will they do when they find themselves thrown together ? How will they manage ? I awoke to the sound of my father making breakfast , the normal daily occurrences happening all around me . My feet crept out from under the heavy blankets to find the floor - the cold hard floor . I had forgotten what I had heard the night before . There was not much to remember , some cries and sobs . That 's all . I wandered out of my parents ' large bedroom and stepped into the small , steep stairwell that led downstairs . My father was still busy with his morning routine , but my mother wasn 't heard . I crept down the stairs , one by one and finally reached the bottom of the mountain . Slowly , I opened the door leading to the kitchen . My father stood at the table , still placing table mats and cutlery . Humming a happy tune , probably something he had heard on a jazz record , he looked up at me . There was no smile , no storm or tempest . The look was cold and his finger pointed towards the cereal he now poured into a bowl . I looked for my mother , she sat cowered in a corner chair . Her face , I saw it in its morning glory . The black and blue bruises mingled with her pale English rose complexion . I did not ask her what happened , for I knew . My father might have forgotten but she hadn 't . She wore the scars and those same scars turned her into the person she became later on . The village closest to our house could have been any small English town . Everyone had secrets . The drug - addicted chemist who neglected his duty , the bank manager who slowly fiddled the books to push money into his own coffers , the pious woman on the church board who was having an affair with two of her neighbour 's husbands . The village kept its secrets close to its hard boiled breast . I grew up learning that a smile was not necessarily kind and a cry of anger did not mean that a wrong had been committed . I knew that something was amiss everytime I saw an unguarded moment from the citizens . Eyes looked cold and lonely . Faces long and drawn . I could see the terror held by so many at the thought that their own problems might become the next ' red hot ' talking point . The age of miracles and the wonders of technology had not yet made itself known to the place I grew up and called home . Dances were still popular and school was still indebted to the class system . The Labour government of 1997 had not yet swept to power . I grew up in a hive of Conservatism , and I knew of nothing else . My father was staunchly Conservative , and my mother was told how to vote . She did , however , assert herself at times ; she would take pity on the Liberals . My father , always angry at this , would chide about the poor performance of the party at every election . It was not common to see a debate in our house . As in most English households of that era , my father 's word was law . The village was beautiful , outsiders found it to be a haven from the busy cities and towns littering the country . History once had been made in the area , wars won and crowns lost . Nobility still survived in the town and the Great Hall lay monument to its impressive past . Even the secrets could not take away from the grandeur of the place . The car pulled into the car park , nestled close to the war memorial in the main square . I stared out of the window and saw its huge mass as it lay a dark shadow over the cobblestones . My mother stepped out of the vehicle to do her daily shopping . I can only imagine the embarrassment she must have felt , her face bruised and bloated from her long night . She gazed at me and tried to smile . I smiled back as best I could and stepped out of the car and stood beside her . My hand reached up for the comfort of her own . There was nothing said , just a general knowledge that my mother would be the next discussion point at coffee mornings . My father , generally known as a great man , would not lose any of his stature . The villagers would blame my mother and she would be seen as a failed wife and mother . Her punishment already delivered and the embarrassment of carrying the scars would be considered an apt display of a husband 's right to beat his wife . Nobody would stand up for her , she knew that . The village would stare , point and scold her for his actions . We walked into the post office and I could feel the eyes of the town glaring at us . I could hear the whispers . I could hear them muttering to themselves and I am sure my mother could , too . This had not been the first beating , and would not be the last . It was just another morning of humiliation in our fair village . We managed to do our shopping in relative peace and headed home . The world was still turning . I looked up at my mother , her bruises still blue and ugly . The car pulled into a drive , not ours . This was the home of my mother 's adopted mother , Mrs Agatha . Her bungalow was out of town and she lived the rural way she had always known . There were no mod cons here , just a small bungalow and the land owner 's home across from her abode . The car stopped outside her house and she stepped out . I followed , the gravel under my feet crunching as I followed her into the dingy property . The dΓ©cor was a mix of the old world and the older world . Clean , but smelling strongly of cheap cigarettes - I close my eyes now and still smell it . There she sat , in her small kitchen , her cup in her hand and cigarette in the ashtray balancing on her leg . My parents had lived in the bungalow across from her once . My mother had met Mrs Agatha a long time ago , and they had become fast friends . She smiled as she saw my mother walk into the room . " Nicholas had a nightmare and came in wanting a cuddle . I let him get into bed with us . He was terribly shaken up , " my mother 's voice broke with emotion . I had indeed had a nightmare . A ten - foot spider , or maybe Godzilla , had been chasing me . All I remember is that I was petrified and wanted to curl up with her and feel safe . Apparently , I had done something wrong . " I 've never seen him so angry , Agatha . I don 't know who he is anymore , " she was crying now . " He always wanted a child . I don 't know why he hates Nicholas so . " " I 've known Thomas a long time , Rose . I always thought he was incredibly selfish , " Mrs Agatha said , her voice saddened by my mother 's story . " He acts the big man , but he 's very insecure , I think . " " I know he is , Agatha , " my mother said , her voice stronger now . " I do everything I can to please him , but nothing is enough . He doesn 't even think Nicholas is his . " I collected the biscuits and brought them back into the lounge , sitting myself on the floor next to my mother . I wanted to comfort her . I wanted to be someone different - someone my father would love and approve of . I wanted to disappear . That night my mother was late picking up from work the man I had been encouraged to call Daddy . She had been caught behind a slow moving tractor . Edgy and tense , she tried to pass . No opportunity presented itself . I sat in the back . We watched as he walked out of work , still laughing from a joke one of his friends had told him . He drove steadily back home . I didn 't utter a word . Finally , we pulled into our familiar driveway . The sky darkened as our car headed toward the house . It looked cold and uninviting , but I knew that within an hour my mother would have it warm . There would be a fire burning in the lounge fireplace and warm food would be presented to my father . The food would have to be made within half an hour of his return . That was his mandate . If she ever passed that mark then he wouldn 't eat it . If he didn 't eat , then there would be a beating . Daddy had eaten dinner and now sat watching television . I sat still on the sofa reading a book . My mother sat silently , waiting for the next order from my father . My mother did not say anything . She jumped and ran off to get him the sandwich . My father looked at me and smiled . I was too young to know how sadistic he was , but I knew I had to fear him and not to underestimate him . My mother returned with the bacon sandwich . She walked slowly towards my father who sat still . Suddenly , he pointed towards the table on the other side of his chair . My mother moved in front of him and he tripped her up , she fell and the sandwich fell onto the floor . My father stood up and kicked the plate away . My mother tried to push herself up , but had winded herself . I watched my poor mother try to pick herself up . My father watched as she finally managed to get on her feet . I wanted to help , but fear overtook my body . I sat still and ended up staring at the ground . I hated him . My father was in pain . We all knew that he had problems with his back . Years of hard labour had taken their toll on his body , although he was still a fine figure of a man . He was ageing quickly , however . Nobody would have thought that his ailments would be caused by a disease . My mother wanted him to go and see a doctor . He did not want to , he made that clear . His answer was to take handful after handful of paracetamol to control the pain . It worked , at first . Motor Neurone Disease is a very under - publicised condition . My father didn 't know he had it . Then when he was finally diagnosed he refuted it , but eventually , he had no choice but to give into it . The anger he felt was displayed with every punch , kick or snarly remark . I felt lost , abused and lonely . My own father denied that I was his . I was , I knew that I was his child . Ever since one of his friends had jokingly told him that I could be someone else 's , my father had taken it to heart that I wasn 't . My mother took several beatings over his insecurity . My mother would cry , and try to defend herself . She knew that the end result would always be the same . The beating would be systematic . I felt so sorry for her . I wished nightly I could do more for her . The secret of his illness did not take long to infect the village . Everyone knew that he was dying . I knew it , before I was meant to know . One old woman came up to me in the middle of the village store . " I hear your father is dying , " she said , hoping for some juicy gossip or perhaps details of his ailment . I can see her face now , she was wrinkled . So wrinkled , old and broken down . I had nothing to say , what could I say ? The only thing I knew about death was that I knew Elvis was dead , and something about Princess Diana that I had heard on the TV . I was not told what death was . We arrived home and I helped to carry the groceries inside . The house was warm and ready for a night in the cold country air . We entered the house and my father sat there in front of the fire . By this time , he was in a wheelchair . The vibes were angry . My mother tried to ignore the atmosphere . I moved too close and he lunged at me with his pick - up stick . I managed to elude its blow . My mother was having a hard time coping , but she managed . There was not one person in the village , the almighty village , that offered to help her . My father fell over a couple of times as his strength continued to fail , and she could not lift him . She struggled , and finally managed to get him up and onto the toilet seat . By this time , his legs were gone . The disease was taking its hardest toll . He lashed out at her and many blows found their way to her body . Yet , even with all the abuse he had thrown at her she never once stopped caring for him , looking after him . I was never once neglected , I was always fed and loved . Something inside of her died though , she became tough and uncaring . The world had shown her that she was on her own . This woman was on twenty - four hour call to look after my father . He stabilized and came home for a while . Nurses and doctors came every day to see how he was doing . Never once did any of them consider the way my mother felt . She was stuck with the stress of a young boy and an ill husband . The worst times were at night . We could hear him downstairs , his breathing laboured and heavy . She would stay awake all night listening to him breathing , hoping that he would make the night . Sometimes she would try to read me a bedtime story , but he would scream up the stairs . She phoned her friend , a local doctor , who intervened . The problem was solved . I remained at home with my mother , and my father went back to the hospice . Soon thereafter , I had just come back from a school trip . Surprisingly , my mother did not come to collect me from school as she normally did . She sent one of her few friends from the village . I had no idea what I was doing here . This lady was kind and comforting , but I longed to see my mother again . I wanted her to tell me that things would be alright . I felt panic rising in my gut . Hours passed , darkness fell , and I wondered what was going on . No one explained . I thanked the lady for giving me a home for a few hours . Wayne looked down and smiled at me . There was something odd about how he looked at me , too . Something was wrong . I didn 't know it then , but my life would be changed forever . " Lori , this is Dr . Tanner again . It 's urgent that I speak with you . Please call me as soon as you receive this message ! " At the same time I was listening to the messages , I had opened my email . There was an email marked urgent , also from Dr . Tanner , giving me both her office number and cell number and asking me to contact her immediately . Whenever the doctor gives you her personal cell number , you know it 's not good . During the previous year , I started noticing I was becoming somewhat unstable on my feet . I was twisting my ankles frequently and stumbling up and down stairs . I put it down to fatigue and just general klutziness , although I 'd never been that way before . In September , I was in the yard after having taken care of the chickens and on my way back to the house I fell . Hard . I had my hands full with some flower pots and I stumbled and went down like a ton of bricks . At this time , I was also very heavy - 290 pounds or so - and that 's a lot of dead weight to have strike the ground . I literally landed on my face as the flower pots went flying yards away . I had gravel rash on my face and my knees and elbows were banged up . I shook it off and came into the house to sit down and ice my twisted ankle . I put it down to the general klutziness I had been experiencing more and more frequently . A few days later , I developed a headache . I shrugged it off as a delayed reaction to the fall and I took some Tylenol . After a week or so of no relief , I made a doctor 's appointment . I had no insurance and not a lot of money coming in , so this was a big decision . My doctor suggested I had incurred whiplash from the fall and recommended a chiropractor . Again , not being covered by insurance , chiropractic visits would need to come out of my ever - shrinking bank account . I saw the chiropractor twice and had no results ; in fact , my headaches were getting worse . Surely , it must have been trauma from that fall and if I was careful , it would resolve on its own . My doctor had given me a prescription for Vicodin which I was taking regularly with limited relief . Around the same time , I received an email from an astute , young Englishman who wanted to know more about the American healthcare system . I had been commenting on a political page on the internet and something I said piqued his interest . I felt quite passionately about the subject at the time - I had suffered this persistent headache for several weeks by this time , but due to my financial circumstances , I was resisting returning to the doctor . We had several email exchanges and there was something about this guy that fascinated me . He was highly intelligent and well spoken , and he had this hunger for knowledge and general curiosity which I really appreciated . His emails frequently started , " Tell me more about β¦ . " and he eagerly absorbed the information I gave him and formulated more hypotheses and potential political solutions . Not only was he intelligent and friendly , he was incredibly respectful and polite . I liked him . I really liked him . When I discovered early on he was only twenty - two years old , I kept my feelings at arm 's length and intended to take him under my wing as an adopted younger brother . As I was to discover , my growing feelings were not to be kept at bay , however . My headaches continued and were becoming more than just annoying . I was popping Vicodin like M & Ms especially at night to help me sleep and dull the pounding . Over several weeks , I noticed I had to stop cross stitching , my favorite hobby , because my eyes were becoming very fatigued and I couldn 't see well , even with the help of reading glasses . I put it down to the pain of the headaches causing discomfort in my eyes . What I didn 't realize is my vision was beginning to fail . As October became November , I was chatting daily to Nick online . It became a habit and I began to anticipate seeing him sign into chat . When I saw " Nick is online " pop up on my screen and heard the ding of the notification , I always smiled and got that giddy butterfly tummy feeling . I felt like a silly high school girl again . I realized my feelings for him were deepening , but I continued to view him as a young man to whom I could impart my wisdom ( such as it is ) and guide on the path of life . I was still married , afterall , despite feeling it was in name only . We continued to talk politics and public policy and he educated me on British politics , of which I was completely ignorant . He slowly gave me some details about his life . He portrayed himself as a happy - go - lucky chap without a real care in the world . November passed relatively uneventfully , except the daily headaches were starting to take a toll on my sanity and my vision continued to decline . My Vicodin use was approaching Dr . House - like levels . I looked so forward to my daily conversations with Nick . They became the bright spot in my day , and I complained to him about how badly I was feeling and my frustration as to why this damn headache wasn 't going away . " Lori , this has been going on for too long . Why don 't you go back to the doctor ? I think something might really be wrong . " I could feel his concern coming through the chat window . " I 'm sure it 's nothing , Nick , " I said , sweeping my own concern under the carpet in my denial of what I really thought was going on . " It has to go away sooner or later . Anyway , you know this isn 't England . We don 't have free NHS like you lucky buggers over there . " " See ? Why don 't you look into it ? " he prodded . " I hate hearing you feeling so down . It 's no fun being ill . Besides , you haven 't been yourself . " Even in a few short weeks of chatting , he could see a marked difference in me . My most disappointing days were when I was in too much pain or my vision was too bad to actually sit at the computer . I retired to bed with a cloth over my eyes and my Vicodin bottle β¦ . and missed him . Unlike Gene , he seemed to really care . The beginning of December came and I was still in daily , increasing pain , my vision was getting worse , and my balance was being affected . I realized it when I was walking from the computer room into the kitchen , a journey of about seventy - five feet , and I got so dizzy I walked into the wall . I thought it was because I hadn 't eaten much - afterall , I was going into the kitchen because I was hungry ! The dizziness waned that day , but continued to worsen in duration and severity over the next few weeks . About two weeks before Christmas I woke up from sleep and felt absolutely dreadful . The moment I moved from a supine position , I felt instantly and overwhelmingly nauseous . I barely made it to the toilet before wretching . Of course , the action of vomiting felt like it split my head wide open . " Great , I have the flu on top of all this , " I thought . As much as I wanted to deny it , a niggling reality would not be ignored . " I want a divorce ! I want a divorce ! " he had screamed at me the night before . Things had been getting bad between us for a few years and I had let things slide the last few months due to not feeling well . The house was a mess , the laundry piling up , I didn 't cook like I used to . Sex had been out of the question . He couldn 't grasp I wasn 't just being lazy - I really felt seriously ill . He couldn 't , or wouldn 't , hear it . There was no quality communication between us anymore . Perhaps there really never had been . I vomited multiple times a day for several days , each time feeling like an axe was splitting my head open , trying to eat soup and saltines and make it all go away . After a week , I knew that I had to go back to the doctor . I made an appointment for the next day , still insistent I had the flu and just needed an anti - viral and of course , more Vicodin . I couldn 't walk on my own from the car to the doctor 's office . Remember how you felt as a kid after spinning around and trying to walk ? Add the worst migraine you can imagine and that was close to how it felt . Gene , whom I had requested drive me , helped me into the office . Ah , yes , an MRI . I knew an MRI was in the cards and I had no idea how I would afford it . The coffers were approaching empty . We were already rationing food and eating our own chickens ' eggs as a staple . How do I get an MRI ? I came home and contacted a radiology center in a city about an hour away . " Hi , " I said casually . " I suspect I may have a brain tumor and I need an MRI but I have no insurance . What is your cash payment rate for a scan ? " A hardship grant ! One thing I can do is write a good letter , so I sat down with my aching head , my poor vision , my puking guts , and my now weakening right hand and typed up a letter detailing the history of my symptoms and our financial situation . I pleaded for help . I faxed it off and waited . " That 's good , isn 't it ? " he said . " But , I guess that means she thinks you have a problem ? " His concern and fear came through , even in a chat window . " I sent a letter to the radiology place . They might be able to get me a reduced price on the scan , " I explained . " Otherwise , it will be a fortune . " " I know . I wish you could , too , " I said . I wished I were in England for more than just an MRI . " I 'm sure they 'll come up with something . " " Anyway , I know it 's probably nothing serious , " I tried to reassure both of us . " I still wonder if I just knocked something out of whack with that fall a few months ago . " I knew that was bullshit . I wanted to reassure him that I would be fine , that it would be nothing and I 'd be right as rain soon . I don 't think I was too convincing , however . I felt his ( ( ( ( hugs ) ) ) ) through the chat window as if he was really there . I missed him . I wanted him there taking care of me since Gene was doing the bare minimum and grudgingly at that . I wanted Nick 's love . About two hours later , I received a phone call from the director of the radiology center . My hardship request had been approved at 100 % coverage . No payment required . Free ! ! She booked me in for an appointment the next morning . That morning , I woke up , did my now requisite wretching , and asked Gene to help me dress as I was so off balance I couldn 't even put on my jeans . He helped me and perhaps was now just realizing how bad off I really was . He had to put on and tie my shoes also as I couldn 't bend over because of the pain . I gathered my purse and a puke bag for the car - just in case . The hour drive down winding mountain roads , in a vehicle with hard suspension , just about did me in . I vomited several times before reaching the radiology center and was so wobbly when I arrived , I needed to take the elevator to the second floor . I was holding onto Gene for dear life as I couldn 't even stand on my own . The technician came to take me back for the MRI and fortunately he was a big guy as he needed to help me down the corridor and onto the table . As he helped me sit on the edge of the platform , I pitched forward because I was so dizzy . Thankfully , his 6 ' 2 β³ , very muscular frame kept me from ending up on the floor . I 'm not sure I could have gotten up if I had fallen over . As sick as I was , I was feeling very positive . I knew this would show the problem and everything would be OK . The MRI lasted thirty or forty minutes as I lay there , trying not to move . I knew the importance of clear pictures and I was determined , despite my dizziness and overwhelming nausea , to have a clear scan . It was another hour of the same winding , mountain roads on the way home , and while Gene was showing some compassion at this point and driving as gently as he could , I was still vomiting every ten minutes or so . I believe he really started to understand the gravity of my situation at this point . He became the Gene I used to know - loving and caring and concerned . It was a welcome change from the last few years of derision and belittlement I had felt from him , but I knew my heart was already elsewhere . It was too late . This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged Abuse , Abusive Relationship , Book , Childhood , Depression , England , Hurt , Inspirational , LoriAnn Murray , Memoir , Misery . Yes I Can , Nick Wale , Pain , Publisher , Rose Amongst the Thorns , Self Help by nickwale . Bookmark the permalink . 41 thoughts on " The Rose Amongst The Thorns - First Two Chapters " The Faery Enchantress on November 11 , 2012 at 7 : 50 pm said : Three words : OMG ! ! I read the original posting and loved it , but this just blew me away . Lori , you had a freaking BRAIN TUMOR ? ? ? ! ! ! And Nick , what you 've clearly endured is just so mind - boggling . I can 't wait to read the full story . It better have a happy ending ! You two clearly deserve it ! Haha Thanks , Amanda ! I can assure you it has an awesome ending ! : ) ) Thanks so much for your comments . Watch this space for a publishing date , hopefully soon ! Btw , Lori said she 's always been a bit off - kilter , so the brain tumour didn 't do too much damage LOL ! Thanks Alison ! I 'm glad you enjoyed it ! It 's been a great experience writing this book and I 'm just so glad everyone likes it so much ! π As always you 're wonderful π Thanks Scott ! I 'm sorry it wasn 't right for your publishing company . The very best of luck with the horror novels ! π I am just glad you liked it enough to comment . Thanks Gaz ! Well we all have our crosses to bear . He wasn 't a father , but then he didn 't pretend to be . I 'm just glad its all over and I had Lori 's help to do so ! I 'm so glad you enjoyed it . You are truly a great guy Gaz π Thank you Mr Robson ! I find it unsettling too , it gets happier though ! Thank you for the comment and I 'm glad you managed to get all the way through ! π Great work Nick , great story & writing enabled me to fully grasp a story I had never read before . It also shows me why we connected as you & Lori seem as REAL as they get ! Keep at it , cannot wait to read more ! Thanks sir ! I 'm glad it came across so well and the story came through in technicolour ! The book is actually completed and will hopefully be released soon . Thank you for the comment and I 'm so happy that you liked it ! These are life experiences we can all learn and benefit from . Great to see you 've both found your life 's calling and looking forward to seeing sequels to your books . Blessings ! Thanks Wil ! I 'm so happy you believe as I do that these experiences are to be shared and learnt from . A large part of writing this book was to help others get through these same problems . There 's a prequel planned already ! Nick , my brother , I am hooked ! I love the story and I really want to get it all . This story is captivating and so capturing . I really feel the angst in the lives of these people . This has to get into a spotlight and flow like a river . Have you completed the book or not ? Thanks Mr Powers , brother , friend and great writer ! I am so glad you liked it . To have you captivated really tells me that our work has merit . The manuscript is fully completed and I am currently working on a fresh manuscript called " My Friend Imre " , a Y / A book . Lori is working a new book too ! Nick and Lori , be sure I shall be praying long and hard for you to be blessed supernaturally and I shall never forget how much you want to live here near me . Please keep me posted and this reading strengthens the bond we both are feeling and the relationship I feel cooming out of this chatting . Would love to meet you and Lori face to face . Thanks Ed , well I can 't wait to live close to you . We can fish and hang out . In itself that would be a blessing ! π I also feel that strong bond and enjoy every chat we have . I will be sure to keep you posted and don 't worry we will both be coming to meet you very soon ! π Thanks Mr Cobb for all the praise and all the credit you have given our work . I would just like to tell everyone that you are a writer of note and have many books on the market . I am a huge fan and would recommend every single one of your books to my readers . I know what you mean about the healthcare and I wish things were different . I felt the fear of knowing what Lori was going through when she had no insurance to pay for treatment . I hope that you stay in good health ! You are a giant of a writer Douglas and a great human being ! Thank you for taking the time to comment . I am not sure what I was expecting , but it wasn 't this . I this the writing is really good . Both of you have a style that is easy to read and fluid . There is no jumping around and it is easy to follow . It is also written in a way that leaves you wanting more . A very provocative , powerful read . Keeps your interest from beginning to end . Good flow of content . Best of Luck with the release and to a lucrative career ! Thanks Gene ! Coming from a talented writer like yourself - that 's a real compliment ! ! ! I 'm glad you enjoyed it so much ! I wish you the best of luck with your latest book ! π It left me waning to know what happens next on both sides . I enjoyed the psychological insights . It 's interesting reading two different sides of infidelity , accused and actual . The story gets me into the first - person perspective of both characters , partly with intriguing personal details . I think people could benefit from reading this . I hope it gets published ! Thanks Dave . Yes , there is quite a bit of implied psychological analysis in the book . Effects of trauma ( both physical and emotional ) , coping mechanisms ( or lack thereof ) , and ultimately , healing . What a great story . The characters are so compelling and it really leaves you wanting to know what happens next . Can 't wait to read the next chapter and see how the stories come together ! Excellant story Lori and Nick . . It 's been a long time since I read a book that I didnt want put down until I finished it . This is that story . I can 't wait until it 's on sale . I most definatley will be purchasing it when it does . its sad , yet compelling well done you guys xx Thanks Caroline ! I am so glad you enjoyed it . I guess it just goes to show that good things do come from bad . It sometimes shocks me that we lived through all that . In some ways I think it gets pushed to the back of your mind as you move forward . When it is all put together - it 's a shock to the system . Wow what an amazingly gripping story . I had heard bits and pieces on fb , but to hear the full version is remarkable . I can not wait to hear the rest of the book β¦ xx The first time I tried to read this I was pressed for time & thought I could fly through it . Not . I knew I needed to have some quiet time and not be interrupted . I 'm glad I waited . There for the grace of god go you or I . To think that this is true is truly heart breaking . You are 2 insperental people that you have come out the other side of this and moved forward . Can 't wait for the book to come out so I can read it in full . Thank you for being honest xxx Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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