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I am a 52 year old woman who has been having shoulder problems for about 1 year . Pain , stiffness , then it seemed all at once I couldn 't raise my left arm . I don 't recall any injury ; and have been seeking treatment since October 2006 . I have had a manipulation under general anesthesia , but still am unable to bring my arm around to my back , or to the opposite front pocket . Now , November 2007 , I have been diagnosed with breast cancer - - infiltrating ductal carcinoma , grade II , and ductal carcinoma in situ , noncomedo type , nuclear grade II with associated calcifications . The largest focus of carcinoma measures 1 . 2 cm . An interesting night , rest - wise . Although I tossed and turned , hot and cold , covered and uncovered , I was surprisingly almost rested feeling this morning when the radio came on . Sure , I could have slept another few hours , but knowing I will be sleeping tomorrow morning , I 'm ok with getting up . A safe drive to Jackson with the sunrise almost showing color . Lots of small creatures have enjoyed the night of full moonlight , wandering onto the highway , not making it across . Ick . Inside the hospital , we were busy , which only escalated as the day went on . We were glad to finally leave about 20 minutes late . A safe drive home , thanks again . Dan was at a birthday party for one of the grandchildren ; the direction they live in is not time convenient for me to go over there . Happy Birthday Alexis . He got home about a half hour after me . We chatted a bit before Dan fell asleep in his chair . He has since gone off to bed . Tomorrow is a hair appointment for me in the afternoon , then I 'll check with the hospital to see if I need to work the last few hours . Thank you for reading . Hugs . So , after a brief night of flopping around , covered , mostly uncovered , Daniel surprises me this morning and says he 's cold . OMG . I 'm trying to breathe , and he 's cold . I wondered if he was getting sick . . . ? He got up and went to work . I settled down for the last couple hours of my sleep . The radio came on about 9 , waking me . I have to get up for my appointment with Leah . I hope she 's feeling better . She was . She did a wonderful job , finding places in my arms and neck where tension is hiding . She also worked on moving the lymph fluid for me , especially across the ribs on the side and back . I 'm blessed to have her in my world . Thank you , Leah . I got back and had breakfast , then went out to Meijer for a few groceries . The rest of the afternoon I didn 't do too much , looking at the internet and reading . Dan came home after a cardiology appointment . Doctor stopped one of the meds and added another , with a lab draw and return visit in three weeks . We went to Los Tres Amigos for supper , which was good , but didn 't hit my " spot " . Don 't you just hate that ? Hey ! ! We saw the space station pass overhead ! ! From 9 : 12 pm for the few minutes it took to travel across the sky , WSW to E . Way Cool . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Kind of restless again during the night . Back to sleep after Dan got ready for work ; next it was 0700 . The birds were singing wonderfully , and then it was 0920 . Hey ! Time to get up ! I had breakfast and checked email , then showered . I had just finished yoga and was ready to leave for my mass - ahh - ge when the phone rang . It was Leah . Darn it , she had to cancel . Ugh . Back to the yoga . I went out to the post office and the drug store . The pharmacist listened as I told him how each month 's " batch " of Arimidex seems to have a little variation in the amount of hot flashes . Each 30 days is a new bottle , so the quality should be consistent . No answers , just observations . Back at home I fixed my food . Daniel was golfing after work , so would be eating wherever . I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up on phone calls and paperwork and reading . Didn 't feel like I did much , but I did do what I had wanted to . Dan came in about 7 , happy that he golfed . Tomorrow he works , I don 't . I need to get a few groceries . . . Thank you for reading . Hugs . What a rest - less night ! I tried to rest , relax , deep breathe , doze off , wake up . I think the longest stretch I slept was about 55 minutes . Really . I listened to the radio - talk radio , classical music , christian music , soft jazz . Finally just turned it off . Then listened to rhythmic snoring . I deep breathe , exhale , hot flash , reposition , cool off , cover up , reposition , ok - I 'm - going - to - sleep , wake up and it 's not even an hour later . * sigh * The best part about the night was when the alarm came on to get up for work . A safe drive down , thank you God , and I see the dawn is lighter this morning than yesterday . Woo Hoo ! The days are getting longer ! I can 't wait to be sitting around a fire at the lake . We had a good workday with great crew . We were all happy to have the workday end , though . A safe drive home with sunglasses on , thanks again . Dan was home and we visited a bit before he went to bed . I wrote here . Tomorrow is a massage for me . Ohh , yeah . I 've had a couple of " doozy " hotflashes today . One was so intense that I was queasy and felt pale and anxious and excused myself to go somewhere and sit down . Ohmygosh . Interestingly , it 's a new refill of Arimidex . I may stop in to the pharmacy and ask them about it . One never knows . . . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept a few hours , interrupted , before the alarm came on to get up for work . I did call , though , in case I was going to be " on - call " . Nope , it was someone else who wanted to be o / c . I got ready for work . A safe drive down , thank you God . There is daybreak showing through the clouds . . . We had a good day . Busy , but good . I was kind of surprised to see the next shift girls getting ready to start . Woo Hoo ! A safe drive home , with sunglasses on , the whole way , until I got into the complex . Wow , so nice to see daylight during the day . Dan was golfing , so I had the house to myself to unwind in . He came in an hour or so later . We chatted , he 's gone off to bed , and I 'm writing here . Tomorrow is another work day for each of use . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept better , I think ; Dan said I didn 't move around as much last night anyway . I got up about 9 . We had a quiet morning before he left for his golf outing . I went out to pick up prescriptions , and decided to go to the home improvement stores looking at carpet choices again . What I came up with is that I 'll go back to Bernards in Hale and look at their choices again . I was surprised that when I got home , Dan was home . He said they got rained out , and it was cold , so they only played 9 holes then went to get something to eat . We visited a bit , he had the television on , and I looked at the computer , reading stuff . It gives me eye strain after a bit . Of course , he 's gone off to bed . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept a little better than usual , though was awakened at 0530 . I did doze in and out until about 9 . When I got up , the bottoms of my feet are still a little sore from the last couple days ' work . I 'm thinking it might be time for new shoes . . . Breakfast , shower , laundry . I made peanut butter cookies , and also wrote a list of places to go this afternoon . Dan and I went out , starting with Finley 's . We enjoyed our dinner and got our errands done . Back at home , we had a quiet evening . He 's gone off to bed , and I wrote here . Tomorrow Dan has a golf game planned , but the weather may not be good . I 'm not going to do much of anything . . . Thank you for reading . Hugs . Don 't you know - - the radio was on for 10 minutes this morning before I heard it . I was sleeping good . Out of bed . . . Breakfast and on my way . Dan , too . A safe drive down , thank you God , and another day on the overflow unit . We were busy , and I am thankful that we had a good crew and enough of us to take care of " them " . My body got really sore and tired just after lunch , but my friend tylenol helped . Thankfully , my brain did pretty good both yesterday and today . It was finally time to leave . A safe drive home , thanks again . Dan was home . He had been shopping , getting himself some new work clothes . He does a good job . After the fashion show , we settled in for the evening ; me with my feet up in the recliner and him in his chair . Tomorrow is groceries and laundry , hopefully with a late start in the morning . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I had a busy workday today . I did pretty good overall but my joints ( knees / hips / ankles / feet ) got really sore the last hour or so . I was glad to be able to leave . Dan was watching golf videos in " his " chair ( through his eyelids ) . We managed a few sentences of conversation before he was sleeping for good . He 's still in the chair - - I 'll have to wake him when I go to bed . Tomorrow is another workday for both of us . I 'm hoping to sleep a few hours tonight . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I watched the lake a bit this morning before getting up . It looked like a light breeze / wind this morning , with some thin clouds trying to make it an overcast day . I got up and had breakfast , and was figuring out what I was going to do before I left for home . Since the wind was coming from the north , and kind of light , I touched up / finished painting the wooden glider . And with the wind from that direction , I thought I would start burning the leaves that I 've raked the last couple times here . I ended up getting all the leaves burnt , so when we put the dock in ( hopefully May 5 , 6 , 7 ) I 'll be able to rake and burn that area . I went in the house , changed clothes , finished packing / cleaning / putting things away , finally leaving the cabin around 1 o ' clock . A safe drive down , thank you God . I stopped at Diane 's to check on her - - she had a procedure done yesterday . She seemed to be doing well , though was a bit sore . I got back on the road , stopping at Meijer before going home . I picked up what I wanted and got home about 6 . Dan was home and helped me unload . I prepared supper while I unpacked and put things away , and was eating by 6 : 30 . I was hungry ! ( Dan had already eaten . . . ) The rest of the evening I caught up on email and wrote here . I 'll be off to bed soon . This morning , and most of the day , I 've felt fatigued and almost punky . Since I 've been home , though , I feel a little better . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . Thank you for reading . Hugs . What a beautiful day ! I didn 't sleep as well as I had hoped , but hey , when you 're at the lake , who cares ? I got up about nine to a mirror lake and about 40 degrees . As the sun rose higher it got warmer , maybe up to 60 ? I wanted to eat , but it was sooo pretty out that I sat on the deck in the sun watching the birds . Seagulls , ducks , geese , and shore birds , too . I finally went back inside and fixed breakfast . I had several phone calls after I ate , and got outside to do something about noon . As I was sweeping - - the back porch , the walkway , the exterior of both the garage and the house - - and listening to the birds , I heard what sounded like a " yoo - hoo " . Huh ? I heard it again and looked up . There was someone standing on the bank in front of the Goodwin Cottage waving an arm and calling . Funny . I couldn 't tell who it was , but the air was so quiet we were able to talk to each other . It was Tom . He had brought his leaf blower to work in the yard . I continued with what I was doing . Next , I got the wire brushes and ended up brushing off both gliders , the wooden one on the side of the house , and the metal one on the front deck , and brushed off the loose paint on both the front and back decks . Tom came over after a while . I asked him if he would blow the paint out of the crevices on the wooden glider , which he did ( thanks , Tom ) and also played around with the leaves in the side yard . I 'd like to burn them , but the conditions haven 't been favorable to do so . We also helped Bob put the last couple of sections of dock in the water before Tom headed on home . I had been out a long time , and I was hungry . Oh - - it 's 6 : 30 ! I fixed and ate supper , washed dishes , then got the shop vac out and cleaned the interior perimeter , floors and ceilings , and got the dead bugs out of the window tracks . I think I 'm finally done with chores . But there was still daylight , and the wind that had picked up in the afternoon had died down again , so I went out with the spray paint . I got the wooden glider painted . It looks good . Ok , now back in for the night . I sPosted by I did sleep a bit more this morning - - I ended up getting out of bed about 0830 . I got up and had breakfast , putting things together to go to the lake . I looked at email / correspondence and saw that if I left soon I might catch Diane on her lunch hour ( in Mt . Pleasant ) . I headed out . I did arrive at lunch time . Her phone had somehow turned off , so she didn 't know I was going to stop in . She was surprised , and happy to see me . And timely - - she 's having the " procedure " tomorrow to alleviated her back pain . We visited and I went on my way , arriving at the Jacque Cabin about 3 pm . Clear blue sunny sky , and quiet , mid 50 's . Lovely . I unloaded and went outside . Beautiful . I went back in to change clothes and spoke with Daniel , who was going to go " hit some golf balls " . After eating , I went back outside and put out the Sunsetter awning , installing the extra support arms and wind deflappers . Sounds funny , but they give extra security to the awning . And while I was out there , the wind blew up . I got it done just as the neighbors came out to do a little yardwork . We visited a little before Molly ( Evelyn 's little dog ) and I went for a walk . It was really beautiful down Grace Street , out of the wind from the lake . I hooked Molly back up at home , and went in the JC . I played with the cushion covering project a little more before doing about an hour and a half of yoga , then wrote here . I 'm hoping to sleep tonight , and that the wind stays light , with bright sunshine tomorrow . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I used the earphone with my " device " , listening to the radio the first part of the night . I rested without hearing someone snoring , and maybe 3 o ' clock settled down to sleep . 0430 , time to get up . I got ready for the day . Dan , too , and we left for our J . O . B . s . A safe drive down , thank you God . We had a fairly good day with a great group of c0 - workers and a group of patients that kept us busy . And finally the night shift came in . A safe drive home , thanks again . I had spoken with Daniel as I was leaving Jackson , and to my surprise , he was in bed , snoring , when I got home . And has been the rest of the evening . I 'm pretty tired , but I got a load of laundry washed , dried , and folded , and wrote here . Tomorrow I 'm hoping to sleep in the morning , then I 'll be going back up to The Lake . Ahh , can 't wait . Thank you for reading . Hugs . This sleep pattern that I have at this " stage " of my life is sure strange . I can 't help but wonder if , and , or when , it might change . I try to embrace it , to have positive attitude , to saturate my " rest time " with happiness , so that I get the most benefit possible from the fragmented , short sleep cycles interspersed with the hots and colds of " vasomotor instability " . Add the inability to lie comfortably for any longer than 2 minutes on the left side due to the shoulder discomfort and lymph fluid congestion . . . * sigh * I got up for work when the alarm came on . Dan had to work today , too , so we breakfasted together before going our ways . I had a good day , with a good group of co - workers . It was finally time to leave . A safe drive home , thank you God . Dan was home , and we caught up on the day before he drifted off to bed . I looked at stuff on the computer , wrote here , and will be tucking in soon . For another magical night in this gift of life . Thank you , God . And thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept better last night , in the front bedroom with the window open . The lake is so beautiful to look at . During the times I was awake / restless / hot / cold I looked over to see the reflections of the lights on the quiet water . The morning dawned quiet , and was a beautiful yellow orange . When I woke again , the breeze had ruffled the water and clouds had started to come in . I called the carpet installer to see when he could come out and measure . He happened to be doing a job near the Long Lake Bar today , and hoped to be over by 2 PM . Which was great , so I could get on the road . I cleaned and packed , and he called before 1 to say it would be closer to 4 . I said ok , and worked some on the cushion recovering project . Just as I had gotten to a stopping point , it was almost 4 , and I was going to call him to reschedule . The wind had picked up , blowing strong and steady , and I wanted to get going . Knock , knock . There he was . He came in and measured and asked questions and was there about 20 minutes . He 'll call with a material list and cost . Thank you , Rich . I loaded the car and was on the road about 10 minutes later . A safe drive home , thank you God . Dan was in bed , sound asleep at 7 : 30 . Hm . I unloaded , unpacked , and was fixing food when Dan came out . He had eaten and wasn 't feeling too good , so he had laid down and fallen asleep . We chatted , he looked at the television , and I wrote here . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I had a wonderful day today ! Though I didn 't sleep well again last night . The lake was quiet when I saw it at 0845 , when Dan called this morning . He was feeling somewhat better and going to go golfing . I breakfasted and picked at email , wondering which project I might work on . The phone rang - - it was one of my brothers , Tom . He was standing outside of the Goodwin Cottage , waving ! ! How fun ! I went into Hale to see what the carpet choices are , and spoke to a very nice young woman who told me the information I wanted and sent me home after 45 minutes with a sample and printed information . Thank you nice woman . Next I went over to the grocery to pick up something for supper . I got a sweet potato and a piece of chicken to go with the fresh broccoli I had brought with me . I put the top down on the car to enjoy the ride back in the 81 degree sunshine . Yep , that 's what the thermometer in the car showed . Awesome . Back at the Jacque Cabin , I had a bite for lunch , gathered my gloves and a couple of rakes and went over to the GC . Tom had been raking , but the wind was changing and he said he was done . Oh , ok . We walked around , checking things out , seeing how things wintered . It was all good . We ended up sitting on the neighbors swing overlooking the lake , watched the eagle soar , and had a most enjoyable visit . Thanks , Tom . I came home and started playing with the spray paint , trying out the colors to see which might go best with the fabric I have for the glider cushions . I was wrapping the fabric around , basting with masking tape , when I saw Evelyn outside with the dogs . I went out to talk to her , and Bob came up . I showed him where I had put the day lily roots ( rhizomes ? ) , and how they are growing . When we came back around the side , he took the dogs , and I showed Evelyn my cushion project . She , being a sewer , was eager to help me figure out how the fabric was going to go , and how to piece it for the best fit . She ended up playing with me for almost 2 hours ! We had a lot of fun , laughing and talking . After she left , I finished toPosted by Wow , what a beautiful day today . Though I didn 't sleep well , I got up about 9 and had a good day . It was about 40 degrees this morning , and windy . When the sun got high enough and had been up for a time , the air warmed . The highest temp I saw was 56 . With the breeze it was cool enough to zip up the sweatshirt . When the wind quieted , and in the sun , it was warm enough to take the jacket off . I raked outdoors again . And when I was out there , Evelyn said they had burned a bunch of the loose leaves that I had raked a couple of weeks ago . Woo Hoo ! Thanks ! Bob was out working on getting the dock in , and throughout the afternoon , as I was raking around the house , I would go out and check on him to see if he was ready for help . A couple times he was , and we ended up getting in 2 sections of his and Evelyn 's dock . There are a couple more docks in , too , that I can see from here . I really didn 't want to go inside , but I had been out all afternoon and needed something to eat . I fixed my supper and ate it , then tried to sit on the back porch where it was sheltered some from the wind , but it was too cool for my comfort . While I was out there , though , I thought I saw the eagle , and then another one . Wow , a pair . I also saw and heard today the loons , mallards , canada geese , and saw buffleheads , as well as red - wing blackbirds , robins , bluejays , woodpeckers , and others . They were quite noisy today . The wind might be quieting this evening yet . I 'm going to find something to do . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I got up and went to work ; Dan didn 't . He got up , though , for yet another trip to the bathroom . Yep , still going . I had a safe drive to work , thank you God , and was surprised that it was my " turn " to be " floated " off the unit . Ugh . I put on my best professional pleasant face and had the mindset to make the best of it . I had heard that I would be " sitting " with a patient , so I printed off a few pencil puzzles and took them with me . Big breath . . . I ended up spending 8 hours with a very nice 85 year old woman who had been getting out of bed frequently . The person I relieved didn 't know much more than that , and when I asked the RN that was taking care of her , I didn 't get an answer either . Ok , so that 's how you want to play . . . I fed her breakfast and lunch , talked to her , took her to the bathroom several times , washed her up , combed her hair , etc . She didn 't realize / know where she was , and one time when someone was talking with her , she started babbling , just like Elaine would do . Very strange . Makes me wonder if that 's a common response when that certain part of the brain doesn 't work right . She slept about 4 hours between breakfast and lunch , too . The staff were kind enough to remember to " spell " me so that I could have a couple of breaks . I realized when another staff person ( called a Patient Sitter in our facility ) came in at 3 PM to take over , that I had enjoyed my time with this nice lady , and I thanked God for that gift today . And when I got back to my own unit , I wasn 't needed there , either , so I was able to go home . Dan was sound asleep in bed when I got there . I mostly packed my suitcase , checked the refrigerator to see what I might want to take with me if I do decide to go to the lake . Depending on how Daniel is doing , of course . I had supper and was putting things away when I heard him . He got up , and said that he had been sleeping since about 2 , had stooled a few times , and taken imodium a few times , too . And had not stooled since eating banana and applesauce and some of that instant chicken noodle soup . We viPosted by Another interrupted night with the early morning interruption of the alarm . Oookaaay . I 'm up . Dan , too . He had been up a few times in the night , too . We got ready for work and left in the dark . I had a good drive down , thank you God . There were several smaller animals that hadn 't made it across the road . I 'm so glad I didn 't interrupt a crossing . . . We had a good day with a great group of staff . I was able to go over to the dentist 's office and have the new crown installed . It was moderately busy and went well ; I think for all of us . Thank you God . And when it was time to go , I was able to clock out instead of answering a call light and getting caught up with feeding assistance . A safe drive home , thanks again . Dan had gone home sometime around noon , saying he still wasn 't good . He had been in bed a lot of the afternoon , and in the bathroom a few times , also . Lomotil , and pepto bismol , alternated at appropriated intervals , and he 's still gone a couple times since I 've been home . He might have to go to the doctor tomorrow . I work tomorrow , maybe a half day , depending on the census . Which could lead to me going to the Cabin tomorrow instead of Wednesday . We 'll see how this all plays out . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I kind of heard Dan get up for work this morning , and I know that he bent over and kissed me good bye , but when I saw the clock at 0700 , I was relieved that I had finally slept . And I felt much better this morning , too . I dozed again until 9 - ish before getting up . I washed up and had breakfast and started laundry . I picked up odds and ends around the house , did a little dusting , vacuumed , etc . When the third load of laundry was done , folded , and put away , it was time to eat before leaving to go to Jackson to celebrate Frank 's birthday . I got to The Parlour and was happy to see a couple of Blurkers ( blog readers who don 't comment very often , if at all ) , as well as The Birthday Boy himself . I was concerned , because Dan hadn 't called , hasn 't answered his phone , and wasn 't there . Maybe he wasn 't feeling too well yet . Or maybe he was so well he went golfing . . . But he always calls to let me know . We had a good time , and enjoyed our ice cream . A friend of Frank 's joined us , too , which made a grand party of 5 . Keon , Frank , Jim , and PollyWe were about done when Dan called to say he had " forgotten " about our gathering and had gone golfing . I 'm glad he 's feeling better . We visited a bit longer , then went on our ways . It was a beautiful sunny day , and I had a safe drive home , thank you God . I noticed that the trees here blossomed today . I put the hummingbird feeder up , and Dan thinks he saw a bird stop and look at it . ( He is , by the way , feeling much better . ) Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I was hoping to sleep better than I did , but when the alarm came on , I got up . Dan , too . He had been up several times throughout the night with his intestines blowing up . I tried to encourage him to call someone to cover him and stay home , but he went anyway . A safe drive for me , thank you God . It really was a pretty morning . It was still dark with the stars losing their grip on the night sky and the birds beginning their morning songs . We had a good day on the overflow unit . Finally , a day that was low key . Enjoyable , even . And then it was time to go home . Dan had left his work sometime after 11 . He said he wasn 't able to stay off the pot , and had taken the Imodium stuff in hopes of feeling better . He was in the bathroom , though , when I got home . He was feeling better enough to eat a little bit , and sat up with me about an hour or so without an " event " , though made a bathroom stop on the way to bed . His " sensitive " digestive system will probably be mostly better tomorrow . I hope so , as we 're planning on . . . The Parlor , in Jackson , at 4 pm , for Frank 's Birthday Celebration . ( dutch treat ) Come join us ! Tomorrow is laundry and ice cream day for me . Thank you for reading . Hugs . After some odd dreams last night , I slept pretty good this morning . I got out of bed around 9 , I think . Breakfast , shower , pedicure , manicure . That 's better . The sun broke through . I praised the Lord and went over to Home Depot to pick up a couple items and look at what carpet they have available . It turned out to be a good visit . A very nice lady let me browse through the carpet samples a while , then asked could she help ? I told her about the Cabin , and what our needs are , and she was very helpful and knowledgeable about the carpet products there . I thanked Betty and she went on to help someone else . I picked up a couple of samples to show Dan . . . He got home just as I had gotten the mail . He had had a " challenging " day . We chatted a bit , and while I was fixing supper , I was surprised to see that he had gone in and laid down on the bed . I had supper and was cleaning up the kitchen when he came out , saying he felt a little better , having rested and showered . He didn 't want to eat , though , but fixed himself a sandwich . We watched Jamie Oliver 's Food Revolution - - that guy is awesome - - and Dan went on to bed . I had the second hour on while I wrote here . Now for some yoga stretches and off to bed . Tomorrow is a workday for us both . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept , or I might say , rested , a little better last night , mostly because I had the earphones in , listening to the radio . I don 't understand that , but it 's true . When I turned it off about 3 , there was a lovely breeze coming in the window , and I drifted off . I woke a short time later to the large raindrops slapping against the window , so I unfortunately had to close it to keep the rain out . That was about the time Dan got up for work . I didn 't hear him leave , though . I got up around 9 , lolling around this morning . After breakfast , I putzed around the house , and have my project almost finished . I also went out to the pharmacy , post office , and storage unit . Back home , then back over to the storage unit . When Dan got home , we went out to Los Tres Amigos for a yummy supper . It wasn 't too long after getting back home that he fell asleep in his chair . He woke up and went to bed about 8 . I 've done some reading on the internet ; enough to have eye strain . So I wrote here , and will be done for tonight . Tomorrow I have a couple of errands , and that 's about all . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I did sleep somewhat better last night , though Dan woke up suddenly with a leg cramp . He walked it out and returned to bed , snoring again within minutes . I kind of knew that he got up for work , then next I knew it was 0635 . I dozed a bit more , finally getting up just before 0900 . I washed up and had breakfast , picked through email , looked at the weather . With the rain and wind being predicted , as well as the increase in gasoline prices , I 've decided to stay home these next few days instead of going north . I really don 't like the wind . I worked on a project , which is almost completed , had a nice phone conversation , and worked on the materials for the Condo Association Board meeting tonight . I spent most of the afternoon doing that . And the smaller font size contributed to an eye strain headache . I think I am slowly gaining an understanding of this bylaws and master deed stuff . Dan got home , I fixed dinner , cleaned the kitchen , then went to the meeting , which ran until 9 : 30 . Of course , Dan was in bed when I got home . It 's wormy outdoors . So many worms on the road here ( and the sidewalks ) it 's almost slippery to drive . The air is definitely smelly . Ahh , Spring . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I was so restless last night that Dan commented on it this morning . He usually doesn 't say much , and I do feel bad that his rest gets disturbed . I was almost glad to hear the radio come on to get up for work . . . A good drive down , thank you God . ( Though Daniel texted me later that he had a tire puncture on his way in , and had to change it to the spare , and was able to get it repaired later on in the morning ) We walked over to the hospital . It started out a good day , but busy . It ended with another patient " taking a turn " and ending up being transferred to the stepdown unit . And in the middle we had a " severe thunderstorm watch " which turned into a " severe thunderstorm warning " ( which means we have to close all the window treatments and move the babies away from the windows ) , which turned into a " tornado warning " . Which meant that all patients had to come out of their rooms into the hallway close to the center " core " , and no visitors or staff could leave . That disruption lasted for almost an hour , and overall , the patients and visitors did well with it . After leaving there , I went to JoAnn 's Fabrics to see if they had velcro or hook and loop tape in larger quantities , as I need 18 feet for a project up north . It is sold there by the foot , but was quite expensive . After talking with one of the employees , she suggested double stick tape , and as I was looking at that , I saw fabric glue . Ah Ha ! ! That would work ! And after pleading with the younger woman at the cash register , she gave me the 50 % discount for the coupon I didn 't have . I told her she made my day ! ( and of course , thanked her ) Now to get home . Another safe drive , thanks again , and when I got home , Dan was sound asleep in his chair . So asleep that I unpacked my bag , put things away , changed clothes , and his show was finished . I woke him , and he got up and went to bed . The rest of the evening I picked at email and wrote here . I 'm still not sure when or even if I 'm going to go up north . Gasoline has jumped again to $ 2 . 95 / gallon here , which makes an expensive 2 nigPosted by I slept pretty good in the big picture . I knew that Dan had gotten up for work , but didn 't hear him leave . I got up about 9 . I had breakfast , putting a list together to kind of keep on track today . I wrote yesterday 's entry , looked at the computer some , then got ready to run errands . I had 4 stops to make , and with the weather sunny and mid - 60 's , it wasn 't unpleasant . And I got almost everything that was on my list . Dan called to let me know that he was going to golf after work , so I didn 't start dinner right away . I changed the bag and filter in the shop vac , printed some materials from the internet , and showered . Dan came in , and when he was showered and done with whatever he was doing , I put dinner together and we ate . He has since gone to bed , and I wrote here . Tomorrow is a workday for both of us . I 'd really like to go back up north tomorrow night , but may leave Wednesday morning . Or , I may stay and attend a meeting Wednesday night , and either go Thursday or not at all . Lots of options ; don 't know what I 'm going to do yet . Thank you for reading . Hugs . After a usual night of interrupted sleep I got up to go to work , the good part being that it is only 8 hours today . I was surprised how much traffic there was going northbound , especially for a Sunday , and a holiday . Hm . We had a good day at work , though busy , and as what frequently seems to happen on weekends and holidays , staffing issues . I was glad to leave at the end of our shift . I changed clothes and went over to join our daughter Kim and Bob and family ( and Bre and Nick and Frank ) in Springport . We had an enjoyable afternoon . I was pretty tired again when I got home . Dan and I visited for a bit before we went to bed . Tomorrow is chore day for me ; Dan works . Thank you for reading . Hugs . I slept somewhat better last night . The sunrise was an interesting yellow that turned white . When I woke about 8 : 30 , the sky was white with the gray clouds of a storm front . The wind was quiet , but picked up throughout the morning . It really started blowing and smelling like rain by the time I left at 2 : 30 . I vacuumed , cleaned the shower / bathroom , cleaned the kitchen , etc . I swept the front and back decks and took a walk around the yard . All looks good , and I 'm glad to say I 'm feeling better today . I had a windy , wet , safe drive home , thank you God . It didn 't rain real hard , but enough to know it was raining . And the temps changed from 72 at Long Lake to 50 degrees in Holt . It was good to see Daniel . He had golfed today , and gotten rained on . Tomorrow is a workday for me , just 8 hours . Thank you for reading . Hugs . It IS a Good Friday , the Friday before Easter . I have to say that I did NOT sleep well last night , hardly at all . Surprised and disappointed . I slept more this morning , finally waking / getting up just before 11 . That wasn 't how I had hoped the day would start , but it did , so I made the best of it . First of all , I wasn 't feeling too well . Sinus stuff . Just plain ucky . I notice that there are some trees blooming , but maybe it 's just being in a different environment ? I opened the windows and doors , as the thermometer shows 70 degrees out there . Wow . Sunny , but kind of thin overcast , light wind of maybe 10 mph ? and variable . Maybe I can go out on the paddleboat . I putzed around inside , enjoyed my coffee . When I heard voices outside , I went out to greet the neighbors , who were greeting each other . We chit chatted a bit , then went our ways . I got the paddleboat in the water and went for a ride . I had to stay pretty close to shore with the wind , but it was good . I went down as far as the sandbar , which was into the wind , then came back . 10 buffleheads , 2 were female , 2 mallards , by the dam , and I think I saw a muskrat over by our house . I stopped at the Goodwin Cottage and got out . All was well there . I was sitting on the swing , enjoying it , when I heard car doors . It was Aunt Donna and her friend Kathy , who had come to Hale for Mass at St . Pious , and stopped at The Cottage . What a nice surprise ! We visited a bit , and got the keys to show Kathy the insides of the cottage and trailer . All was well in both places - - just a lot of dead flies in the cottage . They went on their way . Me , too . I got back home and put the boat away . Evelyn wanted me to take some daylilies and some other bulbs that they had dug up , so I took a few scoops of them , got the shovel , and put them down front in the corner by the seawall where it was trying to wash out . Maybe that will help anchor the dirt . . . That done , I put the shovel away . I was still kind of punky and it was time to eat . I fixed my food , and Dan called as I was about done eating . I realizedPosted by After Daniel went to work , I went back to sleep , lulled by birdsong . I was almost refreshed when I woke just before 9 . I got up . What a Beautiful Day ! I started with breakfast , then looked at the computer , deciding what to do . Exercise ! I could go for a run . It was perfect temperature , with gentle springtime sun when I was out , around noon . Lots of people were out ; three powerwashing , or out in their garages and yards . And children . I didn 't actually see too many , but several homes had the sounds of children laughing and playing outdoors or indoors , and the adult interactions , too . A lot of houses had their windows open . When I got back inside it was " warm " in there . I closed the sliding door and turned on the Air . Yes I did , it was uncomfortably warm in there . One fan was already on upstairs , and I turned on the one in the living room , too , and sat in front of it while I checked the computer for the weather at the lake , and thought , " Hmm , why not . . . ? " I showered after cooling off , thinking it through . I got my suitcase out . Before long I had it packed , thinking of what I could take from the fridge . And what was in there that I could put together for dinner ? After looking there and in the cupboards , I started putting dinner together . Dan called to say he was on his way , which was perfect timing for the food . The dumplings turned out very well , though the cauliflower was very soft and overcooked . Still yummy , though . Dan went back for seconds . I had thought I might stay with Dan in the evening , and leave when he went to bed , but I was all put together , and I left a little early , about 7 . I had a good drive up , thank you God , and all was well when I arrived at 10 PM . Sounds of night creatures were all around , and the stars were out , in a 63 degree spring evening . Oh my gosh it smells so good , too . I unloaded , lit the furnace to take the mustiness out , changed clothes , settled in , wrote here . It is absolutely lovely here . I hope tomorrow is good so I can go out in the paddleboat . Thank you for reading . Hugs . |
This was the day for the Polynesian Cultural Center . What a day ! As you can see President and Sister Hinckley visited PPC on it 's 40th anniversary . On the way there we stopped to see the turtles . John and Karen showed us where they were on Sunday , but we didn 't stop that day . We didn 't see any turtles on the beach but did see one in the water just a few feet from us . It was fun watching it . People were snorkeling next to them . Then we went over to the beautiful Hawaiian LDS Temple . The grounds and waterfalls and pools are just gorgeous . We stopped in the visitor center and had a nice visit with a couple there and another missionary sister who showed us a film . We intended to go by BYU Hawaii where Karen works but time didn 't allow . We spent a wonderful day at the Polynesian Center , from 11 : 00 AM until 10 : 00 PM and after a very long day headed back home . We would have been there 30 minutes earlier but we got a little lost , and took a wrong turn that was taking us back where we had just come from . We figured it out fast and turned around . John was up waiting for us . Karen has to go to bed early because she leaves for work at 4 : 30 . They live an hour away from the college . We 'd had a big day . And we slept well ! John and Karen have a lovely home in a beautiful city . Their backyard is small , but beautiful . It 's a patio surrounded by palm trees , plants , and other trees . Hawaii style ! Sunday was a relaxing day . Church started at 8 : 30 . Early . I think 9 : 00 is early . We came home and John and Karen cooked salmon and wonderful vegetables for dinner . I love salmon ! It was perfect . John worked hard to keep me from getting sick . He forgot at one time and offered me a cookie . I ate it and then he offered another one . I said no , and reminded him that I wasn 't supposed to have had the first one . He was totally upset with himself for not remembering that I wasn 't supposed to eat a cookie . I should do better than I do in abstaining . In fact , I did get sick by the time we got home . I ate bad stuff on the plane ride home . It wasn 't necessary at all ! I had good food in my bag . I will never do that again . I say that a lot , but I have to do better . That food is poison to my body . It literally causes infection in my sinus 's and intestines . And , it can cause colon cancer . I really need to get this straight ! But , as I say this I have to admit that after dinner I did cheat . They drove us around the north shore to the point . We drove through a quaint little town where everyone goes to get shaved ice , and there is a great bakery there also . We didn 't stop for anything but made a point of doing it the next day . We stopped at the Dole Store and that 's where I cheated . We had pineapple ice cream . Mine was covered with shaved coconut . I knew better than to have ice cream . Milk is as bad as wheat . Then we stopped for a - well I was going to tell you what it is but I can 't think of the word . It 's a Hawaiian donut though . They are very good . We had some that were sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar , and mine was filled with custard . John 's was filled with chocolate . That 's wheat and milk ! ! ! Between the two cheats . I went to bed with a sore throat . It happens that fast ! It was a good thing that I had some antibiotics with me . The medicine helped fast so that I was Posted by I can 't believe how sensitive I am to foods ! I have been so good since I got back from Hawaii trying not to eat anything that would trigger one of my symptoms . Saturday night we went to Golden Corral for dinner and I made sure I didn 't eat anything that would hurt me - except ( you know there always has to be an exception . ) I put a scoop of mashed potatoes on my plate . I only ate three bites , and then decided they weren 't good enough to get sick on . See there 's milk in mashed potatoes . The second cheat was that I had a rice krispy treat . It wasn 't even worth it ! It was dry and hard . I should be able to have rice krispy treats , but the problem is that rice krispies in the store have corn in them . I had two rice krispies at Lisa 's house Friday night . I won 't do that again . I 'll have to make my own with the rice krispies I buy at the " Good Earth . " They are made with just rice . Then yesterday after church we had stir fry . All it had in it was chicken and vegetables . I sprinkled about one teaspoon or less of soy sauce , and I had a horrible headache at the back of my neck , which is what happens every time I eat soy . I will just have to learn that I can 't tolerate any of these things . I thought I might be able to soy sauce if it 's La Choy , because there is wheat in the other brands . But , it 's not just wheat . I 'm allergic to soy as well . Here we are in Hawaii , enjoying the beautiful island of Oahu . We stayed 3 nights at the Hale Koa ( military ) Hotel . We checked out at noon today ( Saturday ) and I left kicking and screaming ! Okay , not really , but I stayed until the very last minute . Actually , I met Mike in the lobby at 12 : 08 , eight minutes late . We drove through Honolulu and headed up to Punch Bowl . This is the cemetery where those who died during the raid at Pearl Harbor are buried . We visited Pearl Harbor yesterday . It was heart - retching both days thinking of these brave men and women who lost their lives . We 're now at my cousin and his wife 's home . John and Karen have lived here on the island for the past 20 years . Karen lived here a few years prior to them marrying in 1983 . They met , and lived at BYU in Provo . Karen worked at BYU and John was going to school . They showed us around the city where they live , Mililani . It 's beautiful here ! They took us to dinner at Ruby Tuesdays . It was delicious . Tomorrow morning we will go to church in Hawaii . I did that in 1976 and 1978 . It will be fun to do it again . We leave for Hawaii tomorrow morning . Unfortunately , I 'm still sick . I have a sinus infection that is really holding on . I keep counting the days that I should be able to rest and hopefully be well enough to do the things we hope to do that will take strength to do like : Visiting Pearl Harbor , and touring through the Polynesian Cultural Center . The last one is the one I 'm most worried about . I 've been there twice and can remember doing a lot of walking . There are wheelchairs there if I need one , but if it comes down to that , I will just cry . I was in a wheelchair 10 years ago after I first came down with post - polio . It was a terrible time in my life - to find myself dependent upon people , and not have the freedom of mobility that I was used to having . Mike just said that maybe we 'd better cancel our trip , but I said , " No Way . " Somehow , I will make it . I hope I won 't have any problems with the plane ride though . You shouldn 't travel by air when you have a cold or a sinus infection . This will be one of my last blogs for a week . I hope by the time I 'm on here again , I have better news . I enjoyed Mother 's Day in spite that I was sick all day . I enjoyed visits from my kids and grand kids . Sherri , and Amy and their families came . It was the first time they had seen the condo , and it was good to see the them all . Chris and David came in the evening and we had a good visit . Chris saw the condo a few days before , but it was David 's first time here . Little Lydia and little Eylse are growing and changing . It 's fun to see them trying out their newly learned skills . Lydia couldn 't sit by herself when they visited us in Arizona . But sits very well by herself now , and easily amuses herself with toys , and everything in the diaper bag . She thinks that 's a great toy all by itself . Elyse pulls herself up to the coffee table and likes to walk around it . Her mother impedes her progress by moving her though . Which is a good things since it is a glass table and Sherri doesn 't want her to get hurt . Elyse just turned a year old three weeks ago and doesn 't crawl or walk yet . But she walks by furniture and walks with a little help of others . She scoots around on her bottom , moving from side to side . She doesn 't get very far , very fast , that way . But , that 's her mode of travel for now . We had a nice time seeing everyone at Mike and Susan 's house on Saturday . I felt well that day , and was able to enjoy everything . The kids gave me very nice gifts . Cari made me a necklace with my birthstone in it . And she gave me a little birthstone bear trinket . Kim gave me a box full of homemade cards to be given at different occasions . That will certainly come in handy ! Lisa made me a calender that is stamped with cute things for each month . Now , I have an updated list of all the birthdays . Boy , did I need that ! Susan gave me a book entitled : Mom , The woman Who Made Oatmeal Stick to My Ribs . Sherri gave me a towel and wash cloth for the kitchen , and an oven - mitt . This was very good since most of my kitchen stuff ended up in Arizona . I had everything divided and on the shelves of the Clinton garage . One side was Arizona and the other side was Ogden . Posted by I don 't think there is a family in the world that doesn 't suffer from some disease . Ours has Huntington Corea from my father 's , mother 's side , and diabetes from my mother 's father 's side . I was on the web this evening looking up Huntington Corea and found a wonderful website . This isn 't a paid post but well worth looking at if you have any disease . It says it can cure Huntington Corea and then goes on to say that it will cure diabetes , and every other disease like Fibromyalgia , and others . Sharon always says she doesn 't trust something that claims it can cure everything . This website says everything I believe though . It would cost you $ 77 . 00 for several books , which would be worth it , if it helps . The books basically teach you how to eat ! And to eat a PH balanced diet , with lots of greens . Lots of fruit and vegetables , and get rid of the toxins that come with our fast food diet . I believe this is true . I ought to know . This is my diet ! If I eat other foods I will have terrible symptoms ! I 've read that this generation growing up is the first generation that will not live as long as the generations before them . This is due to the fast food industry , that is full of fat , preservatives , and has little food value . My dear sister Sharon has suffered for years with migraine headaches . She has tried everything possible that people suggest to relieve herself from these but to no avail . Until now that it . She just tried botox and has been migraine headache free . I don 't know if it is a cure or not because only time and she will be able to tell , and it 's only been a few days . I hope and pray this is an answer for her . I can 't really imagine how botox works , but whatever , as long as it works . Actually , I just talked to Robyn and she said her mother had a terrible headache yesterday , but thinks it came from food . Neither of us can eat . It 's ridiculous ! We got this from our mother , and she probably got it from her mother . Oh well , I 'd rather get my mother 's bad genes than my father 's . He and his family have Huntington Corea , a terrible disease ! Sharon also suffers from fibromyalgia and fatigue syndrome . I just want her to have the quality of life she deserves . I hope she continues to do well . I love Sharon ! This is not a paid post . PS : Sharon still suffers . She hasn 't found the answer yet . Susan , bless her heart , packed up the last of the remaining things after a two month move , and drove herself and the kids to Idaho , hauling a trailer they bought from the neighbor . Mike , Susan , and her dad Billie , have been moving things for months now , every weekend . They had so much food storage , and the church wouldn 't move it . That 's an oxymoron , don 't you think ? Mike works for the church ! They are paying to move everything in their house except the food storage that they encourage us to have . It is not as strange as it seems . Mike and Susan don 't have a one - year supply of food , they have a five - year supply of food , for six people , including treats ! The church has a weight limit and their food storage alone was over the weight limit . The pictures are of their Syracuse home . They had just put new tile in the kitchen . Andrew is with his best friend Kodiac . Despite the fact that I didn 't get any sleep last night - I am feeling much better . The good antibiotic I 'm taking for my sinus infection - and other supplements to support my thyroid , is beginning to strengthen my body . This is very good . I only have 6 days before we leave for Hawaii , and I want to feel well and have enough strength to tour the Polynesian Cultural Center , and visit the Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor , and Mike wants to hike up to Diamond Head . I 'm sure I can 't do that one , but I 'd sure like to give it a try . One of my favorite things to do there is snorkel . That was such a fun experience when I was there in 1978 . Jeri was there with me but wouldn 't get into the water . The sun on the beach was so wonderful , she just wouldn 't budge . She regretted it for years - listening to me talk about how much I loved it . About 10 years ago or so , ( Pam will have to tell me exactly when they went ) Pam , Joan , Jeri and Heather went to Hawaii . Jeri wanted to snorkel for sure , but it was raining the day they planned on going . She finally had an opportunity to go snorkeling on a trip she took with Larry . She loved it ! I was invited to go with them on that trip , but didn 't want to go without Mike . He 's never been , and I didn 't want to go a third time , where he hadn 't had the experience once . Mike filled his suitcase this morning to see how everything fit . He was able to fit almost everything he intends to take in the second to the largest suitcase . Leaving the largest for me . I 'm going to do my run through later today , to see how what I plan to take fits . I usually take more than I need . I just can 't seem to stay well , or rather I should say , get well , and stay that way . Two nights ago after getting on the web at 2 AM , I ran across an article on thyroid , and realized I haven 't been taking my thyroid medicine . Yep ! That 's what caused the whole problem with my heart racing , and potassium dropping . I got on the medicine , and last night realized I have a sinus infection ! I have these chronically . Part of the problem comes from living in Utah . The temperature goes up and down and causes me problems , and then I 'm allergic to so much of the growth here . I love trees and flowers , why don 't they love me ? Next , problem as I 've mentioned in lots of my blogs is food intolerance 's . One thing that causes me to have sinus infection is sugar . This can come in forms that you wouldn 't think of being sugar . We had spaghetti last night . I only use rice pasta , but rice is very high on the glycemic index , and it can cause sinus infection . I just want to eat like normal people ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Jesse , is one of Brian 's best friends . He is the most loyal friend to us for sure . After Brian passed away , Jesse spent a great deal of time with us , making sure we were okay . He brought me a card and flowers for Mother 's Day , and brought Mike a card on Father 's Day . He dropped in for visits often before we moved from our Clinton home . We lost contact after we 've moved to Arizona . Although , I sent him a Christmas card , and then April 7 , my sister Sharon 's birthday , which is Jesse 's birthday , I sent him a birthday card . He was so surprised ! He called us in Arizona , and said he would come see us when we got to Ogden . He came for a visit , on May 5 , which is the anniversary of Brian 's departure . We love Jesse ! He is like one of our kids . He is very thoughtful , and sweet , and it 's fun to be around him . He is maturing , and doing well with his job . His birthday is only one week later than Brian 's , and I can 't help but look at Jesse and see where Brian would be if he were here today . His visits are both wonderful and hard on me . As I said I am easily traumatized . It just hurts me too much to remember certain things . Our precious son Brian , died 3 years ago Saturday . It is very hard for me to write this blog , yet I want to . I have a very difficult time honoring Memorial Day , visiting the graves , and hearing someone else says , " guess what today is ? " They want to remember and talk about a birthday , or some other special day . I just can 't handle most of it . It all traumatizes me ! Brain is my step - son . I raised him from the time he was 7 . He died at age 21 . He was a fun little boy ! He was cute , curious , creative , and Very , Very Busy ! He loved holidays . Halloween , was a favorite . He made a scary man that sat at the front door , and turned our basement into a haunted house . He invited the neighborhood to a scary time and treats . He was always thinking and doing ! Our first Christmas was fun for the whole family . There was Mike , Me , Sherri , Amy , Lisa , Chris who was home from BYU and Brian . Brian strung the trees outside with Christmas lights , but there was no outlet outside , so he strung the wire through our kitchen window ( our kitchen was at the front of the house . ) The wire was strung across the kitchen and plugged into an outlet on the far wall . When I walked into the kitchen I nearly hung myself . I walked right into the wire . He made us laugh everyday . He could also be very frustrating . When he got something in his head he wanted to do , no matter how unrealistic it was , you just couldn 't talk him out of it . This was especially difficult when he was a teenager . He wanted a new car every year , and just couldn 't understand why we didn 't get it for him . He got his first car when he was 17 and by the time he was 21 had had 6 cars ! His greatest love was working on his and all his friends cars . He became very proficient at installing stereos in cars and building and installing speaker boxes . He worked for several companies that dealt with these things , including " The Hi - Fi Shop , " and one I can 't remember the name of that built speaker boxes . We always knew Brian was a little different . It wasn 't until he was about 19 that I realized he was depressPosted by When we painted a few weeks ago we decided not to do the bathroom . There was wallpaper on three walls , the bottom half , that I didn 't like and wanted it gone . Last week I started pulling it off , but it wouldn 't come off without a struggle . Who ever put it there intended it to stay . Forever ! I used wallpaper stripper but that didn 't do much . Pam suggested that I put a little shampoo or dish soap in the water and stray it on , and that it would come off easier . It did . But I finally gave up trying to get it off . I just sanded the rough places and painted it . I should say Mike painted it . He got up early this morning and it took him about 2 hours . We 're not done with the room yet because I 'm still working on the part of the wall that had the wallpaper . It needs to be sanded a little better . But , at least most of the room is done . I have a border for the top that will look perfect . I bought the border for a condo Mike and I planned on building , but the builder took two years and never got started on it . We gave up , asked for our deposit back , and bought the Clinton home . I was going to put the border in the master bath there but I didn 't have enough , and really didn 't want anything there that wasn 't neutral . I knew that someday we would sell that home . We always intended it to be about a 6 year home , because we knew we would move to two homes when he retired . It turned out to be a seven year home . We certainly loved it there . We will miss it . But , for now , we sure love the two homes that we replaced it with . We came back to Utah too soon ! I 'm freezing ! I run everyone out of the house with the heat , because they think it 's hot , yet I am never comfortable . Next year we aren 't coming back until May , but I 'm not sure that will do it , since it 's almost the second week of May and it 's not warm enough for me yet . I am feeling a little bit stronger than I was two weeks ago , but my strength has certainly returned slowwwly . I need to get strong because Mike and I are going to Hawaii in a week and a half . Yeah ! ! ! ! How fun ! We are really looking forward to it . Mike is worried that I won 't have enough strength to walk around and see the sights . I hope I will do alright , but I can tell you right now , if we went tomorrow , I would be in trouble . We are still strolling through stores buying things for our condo , and after one store or sometimes two stores if we 're lucky - I have to give it up and come home . I 'm just worn out . Tonight is Nicholas 's 6th . birthday party . I hope I feel better tonight than I do right now . We had Chinese food last night from Maple Express , and I must have gotten some wheat . Okay , I know I ate some wheat because I ate szechuan chicken which is the best item they sell . I think everything there had wheat in it . That will be very sad for me to never have szechuan chicken again ! I should learn how to make it myself using rice flour . I 'm sure I could get the recipe off the web . Mom Susan , offers up the cake , while Dad Mike , gets the camera ready . Nicholas , showing his puppy dog , given to him by Grandpa and me . He was very in love with this puppy that sat on our bed . You would have thought I was giving away one of my kids when I decided to let it go to Nick . My good friend Nancy came to my rescue by giving me more stuffed puppy dogs . Now I have three on my bed . Nicholas , opening his presentsAnyway , it will be fun seeing everyone tonight . I missed Elycs 's 1st birthday party because I had just gotten out of the hospital . Mike brought me home and left for the party . I also missed our great - grandson AJ 's 1st birthday party because it was held the last week we were in Arizona . AJ and Elyse are only a few days apart . Tomorrow night is Ashley 's 3rd birthday party . They are talking about having a swimming party . I sure hope I start feeling better ! May is a big birthday month for us . Jake , Sherri , and Kim , were all born this month . Did anyone watch the Republican Debate last night ? It was held at the Reagan Museum , in Simi Valley , California . Mike and I visited this museum about 4 years ago . It was very exciting for me to stroll though the museum , and suddenly come upon a picture of a relative of mine , James Whitelaw Reid . Mike and I hope to go to the museum again someday . And , I 'm going to remember to bring our cameraaI appreciated most of the answers the 10 gave during the debate . Mitt was definitely the one I was impressed with . I think he would be a wonderful president . He has the talent that is needed to pull this country together , and straighten out the messes that have been made . My vote is with Mitt ! I hope he gets the nomination , so I can vote for him . A few years after my cataracts were removed , I noticed a dark area in my eye . This was 3 1 / 2 years ago at the time our son Brian had died . I thought possibly the eye problem had something to do with stress , or my blood sugar . Luckily , I got into the doctor and it was discovered that there was a tear in the retina in the right eye . I was immediately sent to a specialist in Salt Lake City ( Kirk Winward ) who waited for me to get there in spite of the fact that it was 6 PM . He lazered the tear and I had regular visits one a month for 6 months to make certain everything had healed right . I was shocked at the 6th visit to learn that there was scar tissue and I would have to have an operation to correct it . It seems like it was only 1 / 2 hour after returning home from the operation at I had a dark area in the peripheral vision of that same eye , and was told to come in immediately . He had me return to his office immediately , and sure enough I had a second torn retina . He lazered that tear - right on top of the part of the eye that had the surgery on . Ouch ! ! ! ! That was a terrible experience . And , I don 't ever want to do it again ! Several years ago I went to the doctor with my daughter who was having lasik eye surgery . I talked to her doctor about my situation and told him that I had cataracts , but didn 't know if they were bad enough to have them removed yet . He examined my eyes and the good news for me at least , was that they were bad enough to do the surgery . I hadn 't been aware that a new lens is put in the eye at the time cataracts are removed . I just thought they cleaned the original lens . I was shocked to find out that a new lens would have ( hopefully ) a vision of 20 / 20 . Previously , I had the vision of 2400 , and I started wearing glasses at age five . My surgery wasn 't as successful as I 'd hoped . My left eye now had a vision of 20 / 40 , which was wonderful compared to what it had been ! And the right eye was 20 / 80 . Still better , but not good . I resorted to wearing a contact on my left eye to bring the vision to 20 / 20 . And , left the right eye as it was - which created what 's called mono - vision . Now I could see fairly well with distance and reading . Kenny , where are you when I need you . I have just taken an opp called Cartoon Caption Contest . They need a caption for a cartoon , and they run this opp every month . The prize is I win is $ 200 . I could use $ 200 . Since you 're not here and I 'm supposed to do this on my own - here goes . It will be fun to see how creative I am . I 'm watching the second night of a PBS Documentary on the Mormon 's . This documentary is not made by the Mormon Church , but by a non - member . It has been very good for the most part , and also frustrating because there are false ideas being said by non - members and also previous members who have left the church . One of the things that was just talked about is baptism for the dead . A Jewish gentleman is very upset because he discovered that his parents had been baptized into the Mormon Church . This caused him pain because as he said , " he is a Jew and parents are Jewish , and that 's the way he wants it to stay . " He doesn 't want to get to heaven and find out that his parents are unhappy because they were baptized Mormon 's and they didn 't want to be Mormons . Does anyone see the irony in this last paragraph ? Let me set this straight . First : No one is being baptized Mormon 's . They are being baptized into the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints . That sounds like the Mormon 's and in a way is . Except the difference is - this is not Joseph Smith 's church . It never was and never will be . Joseph explained that over and over , but the people wouldn 't listen . This is Christ 's Church . The people are baptized into Christ 's Church . Second : The person who is being baptized has their free agency to accept this baptism , or not to accept it . One of God 's greatest gifts is free - agency ! Third : The Mormon Church is either true - or it isn 't true . If it is true this man 's parents and all those people who have been baptized are very very happy ! If it isn 't true - well it just doesn 't matter . Does it ? ! Kenny is going to have to help me write this blog . It 's his story and I want it really correct . This happened in the mid 70 's , and is quite a story ! My son Kenny is a sweet , talented , rascal ! He got into some normal teenage trouble and was often the instigator ! This incident happened at our Sunset , Utah 5th ward chapel . His Sunday School teacher and scout leader , Jay Gregory , whom the boys really did love , was the brunt of a very creative joke . Kenny and several of his buddies in the class saw Jay 's car unlocked one Sunday and decided to move it . It wasn 't hard of course . They just got in , put it in gear , and pushed it to the north side of the building . ( You could do that back then . ) Later Jay came out and couldn 't find his car . He knew exactly , or at least almost exactly where he had parked it , and it wasn 't there . He called the police ( Sunset is a small town , and the local police knew Jay ) and within a short while they found Jay 's car on the north side of the church , and asked , " is this your car , Jay ? " Of course , he was confused and wondered how it got there . He had parked it on the west side of the church where he usually parked it . Jay was more careful the following Sunday and locked his car . That would have worked under normal circumstances , but as I said , I have a clever and talented son ! I 'm so glad he 's not a criminal . He would be a clever one ! It just so happened that Jay had forgotten something and drove his car home . He didn 't lock it , of course , because it was in his own driveway , and he was only going to be a minute . However , Kenny and Dale Zanone , knew Jay was going home . They ran the two blocks , stayed out of sight , knew they only had a small window of opportunity to get into that car without being caught , and knew they were taking a chance of getting caught even after getting into the car , but they didn 't ! They sneaked into the back and ducked down and somehow got back to the church without being seen . They had the two back doors and the passenger side locked , so all Jay had to do was lock his own door . Posted by As if I haven 't had enough health problems lately - now I have skin cancer on my nose . Actually , this isn 't new . During the last few years Dr . Maughan has burned two skins cancers on the tip of my nose . I was upset the first time because it left a small divot . When I went back and showed him a second cancer had taken its place , he empathized and said that there would now be a deeper divot , and sadly , there is . During our winter stay in Arizona I noticed a skin cancer just above the divot . It grew , fell off , grew back , and fell off again . I knew I needed to get in and get it checked and actually planned on making an appointment with Dr . Maughan in February when we came for Quincy 's baptism , but I didn 't . Darn it ! By the time we got back home in April and I finally got to the doctor 's office - it had grown - and now I have another divot that is quite large , but not as deep . Now I 'm worried because it 's been a week and it looks to me like the cancer is growing back . It could be a scab , but I 've never seen a yellow bumpy scab before . I need to call Dr . Maughan 's office and hope the doctor says everything is normal . I 'm afraid that 's really hopeful wishing ! Oh , I forgot to mention that Dr . Maughan burned a cancer on my wrist , and cut out another one on the top of my head . Oh , my goodness ! I want this to stop ! |
A youngish 40 - year - old who 's married to the man of my dreams ( cliches be damned ! ) Suffering daily from fibromyalgia , the bane of my existence . Full - time servant to a tiny tyrant named Audrey , and I couldn 't be happier about it . I 've started reading this book , as recommended to me by several mothers , called Bringing Up Girls by Dr . James Dobson . He 's also written Bringing Up Boys , if anyone 's interested . So far , it 's fascinating . He talks about both the physiological differences between boys and girls , in addition to cultural influences and a host of other issues . Yeah . As if I don 't have enough of a battle against media and societal pressure to sexualize girls . This is , after all , fairly terrifying . Obviously , I would never buy such a doll for Audrey . But who 's to say she won 't be on a play date with a girl who does have one ? I can 't be with her all the time . Oh , the dreaded potty training . I can 't even describe how much I 've hated even the thought of it . We purchased a program called " No Sweat Potty Training " by Dana Obleman , since we had such great success with her sleep training approach . Well , I 'm sweatin ' it . Audrey 's doing fairly well , I think , but it 's still nerve - wracking . There 's a system of rewards , of course . She gets one dark chocolate M & M for going , plus two for , well , # 2 . It 's a real treat for her , since she rarely has sweets . She also gets a sticker to put on a special chart , which she really loves . We started off with the small potty , as Dana suggested , for a week . That first week , we had some great days , and then we had days when she didn 't go potty at all . . . which means , of course , accidents all day . It was ( and is ) extremely stressful . Then again , there was the day that Gramma fed her nothing but watermelon for lunch , and she went 23 times ! Yeah , lots of chocolate that day . She 's doing better , though , since she started using the big potty . Maybe she just didn 't want to go in the kitchen with us staring at her . Imagine that . We 're using diapers during naps and at night , but otherwise , she 's wearing her big - girl underwear . She 's still having some accidents , though , which I believe is normal . My problem is , I feel like I can 't take her anywhere . We haven 't gone to church since we started , because I hate the thought of the nursery workers having to clean up the floor and her , especially since she gets really upset when she has an accident . David will , unfortunately , be going back to school in a couple of weeks , and I feel like I will be trapped in the house . I 'm scared to take her on any play dates . I don 't want her peeing on someone 's carpet , or worse , pooping . I just don 't know what to do . She 's having a lot of separation anxiety since we went to Atlanta , and I know it 's going to be hard on her when David goes back to work . That 's one reason I 'd love to get her out of the house as much as possible . She also won 't use her travel potty seat , even though it 's just as cushy as her Sesame Street one . But the thing is so awesome ; it even has its own little drawstring bag , which is washable , and it folds up so small . But Audrey wants her other one , which does NOT fold up , and she usually wants her stool as well . What am I supposed to do , lug her potty seat and stool around everywhere ? David and I recently celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary . Amazing ! David really wanted to get out of town for a night , but I was very leery because Audrey 's never spent the night with ANYONE . Not even grandparents . At first , I told him I couldn 't do it . There was just no way . But then I realized he 'd been planning on it for a long time and that he 'd asked my mom months ago to watch Audrey while we were gone . So , I realized how important it was to him , and I gave in . I mean , five years of marriage is a lot to celebrate . After lots of debate , we decided to go to Atlanta because they have the biggest aquarium in the world . . . 10 million gallons of water . Wow . David and I love aquariums , and we 'd never been to Atlanta together before , so we decided to spend one night there . Since we left early one morning and came back right before bedtime the next day , we also didn 't have to go a day without seeing Audrey . As hard as it was to go , as soon as we got there , I was excited . We stayed in an awesome hotel , and when we got there , we both took a long nap . It was heavenly to be between those soft white sheets and blanket . White on white . . . so calming . That 's us before we left . And did I mention how huge this hotel is ? We were on the 35th floor . That 's right . The place had a restaurant , bar , gift shop , the works . Here 's a pic from the bottom floor . There 's a huge skylight on top . And the aquarium was really amazing . The sea otters were my absolute favorite , but we couldn 't get a pic of them because they swam so fast . They 're so playful ; one was swimming on his back , around and around , with his paw in his mouth . It reminded me of a child sucking on their thumb . The lady at the bottom looks miniscule in comparison . Then , a cool whale shark : And another of my faves , poison dart frogs . Unfortunately , they wouldn 't cooperate and turn around for the pic . And us as we were leaving . I 'm really slouching here , probably because I was so tired . We had such a great time that we 're hoping to go back in November and take Audrey . She loved the aquarium at Myrtle Beach , so I know she 'll be crazy about the one in Atlanta . There 's also a children 's museum nearby , and she 'd love that as well . Great trip ! I am so over Audrey being sick . This has been really bad , and I 'm just glad that David 's been here to take care of her . Especially since she 's wanted nothing to do with me . For the last couple of days , she 's just wanted her daddy . Which is fine , I get it , even though it hurts . We 've been letting her watch as much TV as she wants since she 's sick . It 's been a great distraction for her . As soon as she 's away from the TV , she starts crying because she 's been in so much pain . We think she 's had a virus , with a terrible headache and stomach ache . I feel bad that I even care if she wants to be comforted by me . I should be glad that she has someone who can do that for her . But when she 's kicking me , or poking me in the eye , or pushing me away from her , it 's hard to be mature about it . Last night , she woke up , and David and I both went in there . We were singing to her , and we finally got her back in bed . David said he 'd lie on the floor beside her crib , and I said I would , too . She pointed to me and said , " Go to door " . I thought I knew what she was talking about , since she 's said that before . So I asked her if she wanted me to leave , and she said yes . Ouch . Then this morning , I asked her to choose what book she wanted to read before her nap . She said she didn 't want to nap , and then the arrow to the heart . . . " I don 't like you " . I was steamed . Embarrassingly , I raised my voice and said , " Oh fine , you don 't like me ? That 's just great ! " and stormed out of the room . Audrey 's 2 - year molars have been giving her fits . They 've been hurting , on and off , for months . I noticed that one had broken the skin this week , and the other side is very swollen . I feel so bad for her . And did you know that " 2 - year " molars can sometimes come in until the age of 5 ? Last night , Audrey woke up about 3 am , and she was crying and saying , " Where 's my bunny , Mommy ? Where 's my bunny , Mommy ? " over and over again . I went in there , and her bunny was right under one of her other babies . It 's very unusual for her to wake up during the night , so I suspected something was wrong . She was also very hot . Around 5 or 6 , I heard her coughing , or what I thought was coughing . Then she started screaming like she hasn 't in a long time , like when she used to get her leg caught in the crib slats . I ran in there , and she had thrown up all over the place . This has happened once before , I think , when she actually projectile vomited on the wall . The thing is . . . she was more upset about the mess she made than about being sick . It was all over her " big girl " blanket , and she was just freaking out about it . I had to wake David up because I couldn 't take care of cleaning up and calming her down . She hasn 't done it again , thank goodness , although she still has a fever . But it concerns me because she gets so upset about messes . I feel like my OCD about cleanliness has rubbed off on her , and that is NOT what I wanted , obviously . For example , as soon as I took off her dirty pajamas and threw them on the floor , she ran and put them in the hamper . What kid does that when she 's sick ? If she has a hair on her tray when she 's eating ( I 'm not talking about in her food ) , she goes nuts . Last night , we went out to dinner with my father - in - law and David 's brother to celebrate Father 's Day . Audrey was behaving really well . Until the fire alarm went off . Audrey has always been started by loud noises , even when we get crushed ice from the fridge . I was looking at her when the alarm went off , and she nearly jumped out of her skin . She was trying to jump in my lap , which wasn 't happening because she was strapped in the high chair . It was all I could do not to scream at David to unbuckle the strap , since I was so upset . I couldn 't reach it , since she was lunging for me . I took her outside immediately , because I knew she was going to have a breakdown if we stayed in there . It was deafening , and lights were flashing , and no one knew what was going on . This went on for 5 - 6 minutes , which is a lot of time . People started streaming out of the restaurant . I 'm just glad we 'd finished eating . . . and , of course , that there was no fire . Some brilliant person upstairs was smoking in the bathroom . Seriously . Anyway , they finally figured out how to silence the alarm . The restaurant has recently come under new management , and apparently they didn 't know how to do it . The fire trucks and police showed up . At least Audrey got a chance to see a couple of fire trucks up close . It just amazed me how everyone was so clueless when it went off . The staff just froze up , and they were looking at each other in shock . No one stepped up and took control . So annoying , not to mention dangerous . So yesterday , we took our little darling to the movie theater for the first time . She saw her first movie only last week on DVD ( Lady and the Tramp ) , so we thought she 'd be fine to go to the free movies at our local theater . They were showing Chipwrecked this week , and even though those little creatures ' voices make me squirm , we decided to go . Mainly because Audrey 's been obsessed with Alvin since Mom gave her a toy one that came with her ( Mom 's ) Happy Meal . Truthfully , when I first got up , I wasn 't really interested in running out to be at the movies at 9 : 30 . We hadn 't had a lazy morning since we got back from the beach , and I knew we 'd have to get there early , since those theaters are really packed during the free movies . But we had already mentioned it to Audrey the night before , and she remembered ; in fact , those were among the first words out of her mouth that morning . She did fairly well , considering it was her first movie . . . that is , until the end . Something scared her , I think when the volcano shook the ground , and I reached over to comfort her . She pushed me away , saying , " Get back over there , " indicating my seat . That ticked me off , but whatever . Then she took her water cup and threw it over me , where it almost hit a baby and rolled to the level below us . Unbelievable . I 'm a serious germaphobe , but I also can 't stand wasting money , so I knew I had to get it . I had to get on my hands and knees and reach down ( shudder ) onto the floor in the dark theater . I thought I was going to gag . She thought we were taking her out to change her diaper , which we didn 't realize was soaking wet . I tried to explain to her that the movie was over , that all the people were leaving . She cried and cried . Needless to say , she got a nice time out when we got home , for pushing both David and me , for throwing her cup , and for acting like a maniac . I was already looking forward to seeing Hop next week , but David said no more movies . Maybe he 'll change his mind . We went to the beach last week , and it was fun , even though it rained for two days straight . Maybe I 'll blog about that in a few separate posts so I can spread them out . I 've been hurting for topics lately . Or maybe it 's just all the craziness that 's gone on since spring break . David had all these photography commitments ( school dances , a wedding , a bridal portrait , not to mention co - chairing the prom ) , and I had Audrey A LOT by myself . It was really starting to get to me . I was getting depressed and more and more anxious , so the end of the school year couldn 't come soon enough . David was finished with school at the end of May , but it 's been busy even since then . I had all these doctor 's appointments that week , and then we left for the beach on Saturday . And if you 've been on vacation with a toddler ( is she still considered a toddler ? I don 't know ) , it 's not usually a vacation . I mean , you have all the responsibilities of home , except you 're living in a place that 's not your own . I wasn 't looking forward to this day , since David is shooting a wedding . It seems like he 's been doing a lot of extra work lately , such as managing the prom at his school , taking pictures at a middle school dance , etc . In the midst of all this , I 've been feeling pretty awful . I had a stomach virus that took a couple of weeks to completely go away . I 've been weak , so I thought today would be hard , taking care of Audrey all day by myself . Surprisingly , it 's been a good , laid - back day . I hate to admit it , but I didn 't even take her out of her pajamas today , and she slept in them tonight . Oh well . I 'm not even sure what we did . . . . just hung out , and she is such a goofball and a little angel all wrapped up in one . Exhibit A : The sweet angel , who 's become a lot more angelic since we started getting her to bed earlier . Yes , she definitely has her toddler moments , but she can charm you at the drop of a hat . She 's started saying " I love you " a lot , to both me and David . It 's such a wonderful thing to hear . And tonight , I had the privilege of putting her to bed . David usually does that , since he gets so little time with her during the day . They have two books they read before bed : On the Night You Were Born and It 's Time to Sleep , My Love . At this point , Audrey can quote large portions of each book , so we 're basically reading it together . I know them well , too , so we were just looking at each other tonight and smiling as we recited . They 're beautiful books . David 's always called her ( and me ) " my love " , and the second book just reinforces that . So she 'll refer to other people as " my love " . I think her Papa Rick was a little taken aback when she said , " What are you doing , my love ? " And recently , when David took her to the grocery store , she 'd tell him what she wanted in the same way , such as , " Grapes , my love ? " Ugh . I 'm definitely suffering withdrawal symptoms since David had to go back to work this week . I know , I know . . . I 'm just lucky that he had a week off . But Audrey got used to it , and so did I . She just loves having her daddy home , as you can see . It 's just so nice not having a schedule . And Audrey feels a lot more secure when he 's home . When it 's just the two of us , she 's constantly asking , " What 's that ? " when she hears a noise . Seriously , if she just hears one of our neighbors slamming the car door , she gets scared . I don 't know what that 's about , but she 's been scared of loud noises since she was a baby . Easter was fun . The girls took turns hiding eggs a couple of times for Audrey . Then they helped her find them . When I say " helped " , I mean they pointed out exactly where they were and sometimes even gave them to her ! So cute . We got some good pics at Easter , but I have to get them from David 's camera , so I 'll post those later . So anyway , we 're back to the old grind . . . David only seeing Audrey for a couple of hours each night , which I know he hates . I know that 's something that all working parents hate . Sigh . I haven 't posted in a while , not since Audrey had that health scare . I 've been spending every second paying attention to her , since I 'm so thankful that she 's okay . I just keep thinking to myself , She could have had cancer , and we could be going to chemotherapy treatments right now . That certainly puts the little inconveniences and problems of the day in perspective . We found Audrey 's Easter dress at Target . It was such a great price , and it 's even more beautiful in person . Now we have to find shoes , which I 'm definitely not looking forward to . In the past , we 've gotten her one pair of shoes from Stride Rite each season that she basically wears every day . She also has a cheaper pair that she sometimes wears to church . Last spring , we found a beautiful pair of sandals at Stride Rite , and even though I cringed at the price , I knew they would last and go with everything . And they did . It 's different now , though . She 's playing outside a lot more , and having just one pair of white sandals is not going to cut it . We don 't know what to do . She has very sensitive little feet , but we can hardly buy two or three pairs of shoes at Stride Rite . We 'll also need some that she can wear in the water at the beach and the pool this summer . So , I left off where Audrey was supposed to go to the Children 's Hospital to get blood taken , mainly to rule out autoimmune disorders . The night before we were supposed to take her , David gathered every thermometer in the house so we could check her temp . Her pedi advised that we take it orally , under her arm , and rectally ( ugh ) . Every thermometer we checked came up with similar numbers . . . in the 96 and 97 degree range . At that point , we were very confused and frustrated . Audrey had been through hell at the pedi 's that day . They actually catheterized her to see if she had a UTI . I decided enough was enough , and that one of us needed to go buy a new thermometer . We had already put new batteries in the temporal one , and it was registering the same high temps as before . So DH trekked out to CVS and bought another one . My reasoning was that the old ones , and who knows how old they really are , could be unreliable because of old batteries or what not . And I wanted results I could count on . David came home with the new one , and we tried to take it orally . That didn 't work out so well . Then we went for under the arm . And guess what ? It was in the 96 and 97 range . I can 't even describe the relief that swept over me at that moment , yet . . . the anger about the hell we 'd all been through nearly overwhelmed me . David even commented that he 'd like to take that temporal thermometer out to the shooting range . This stupid thermometer is the reason my little girl was subjected to all kinds of unpleasantness at the pedi 's office . As if she didn 't already hate going there in the first place . And she was also very close to being subjected to all kinds of blood work at the Children 's Hospital . We decided to postpone going there the next day , in light of her low temp , and just monitor the situation over the weekend . I am going to call that company , and heads are gonna roll . I am PISSED . And so happy and grateful at the same time . It 's a weird combo , believe me . Oh , and did I mention that Audrey came down with a cold the day before this craziness , and that I was also diagnosed with a sinus infection at the same time ? Oh yeah . This winter has truly sucked when it comes to being sick . As you know , David , Audrey , and I have taken turns being sick since the first week of November . Last week , Audrey 's illness took on a serious tone , to say the least . I 'll go ahead and say that she 's perfectly fine ( except for a vicious cold ) , but we didn 't know that then . Audrey and I have been fighting a bacterial / viral infection for several weeks now . It 's cost us several hundred dollars in homeopathic remedies . Why not take Audrey to the doctor ? Because I don 't want her taking antibiotics that are unnecessary . That 's why I have to take such strong meds when I get sick , because I took too many antibiotics as a child . I decided last Thursday that Audrey needed to go to the doctor . She 'd had a fever since the first day of February ( at least ) , and I was getting concerned . David took her , since I was sick in bed . I was awakened by a call from David , saying they were on their way home from the doctor 's office . I asked what was wrong with Audrey , and he said , " We 'll talk about it when we get home . " Yeah , I don 't think so . Then he said , " Well , they 've definitely ruled out cancer ; the doctor wanted you to know that . " Excuse me ? CANCER ? He then told me that we needed to take Audrey to the Children 's Hospital the next day for blood work . Our doctor wanted to see if she had a long - running virus or an autoimmune disorder . Again , what the . . . ? Dr . W asked if our thermometer could be the problem . We have one that measures temporally ( one that you swipe across the child 's forehead ) . We had wondered that before , when she had an ear infection recently , so we took the thermometer to the doctor . We tested it against theirs , and ours was spot on . We had fun making valentines for the grandparents this year . We decided to keep it simple , just to cut out hearts and put stickers all over them . David cut out the hearts , and we just peeled the backs off the stickers and let Audrey place them wherever she wanted . Anyway , we also made one for David on the sly while he was at work . It was so much fun and so simple . Audrey loved it , and so did the grandparents , needless to say . David and I agreed that we 'd keep Valentine 's Day simple this year , no gifts , just cards . And that we 'd go see a movie soon or go out to eat . Well , David didn 't abide by that rule , as you can see . He had already given me a single rose on Sunday , which I was perfectly happy with ( you can see it to the left of the other flowers in the last pic ) . He also sent me dark chocolates , which is basically the only sugar I can have , one piece a day ( or sometimes two : ) So basically , I feel guilty about not getting him anything , but I 'm not going to let that keep me from enjoying my gifts ! We bought Audrey three books , and I 've read them about a million times since we gave them to her on Sunday . She particularly likes Itsy Bitsy Spider , which contains not only the song , but also an explanation of why Itsy Bitsy is trying to climb the water spout in the first place . It 's a great book . Mom wanted to get my nieces and Audrey an animal from Build - a - Bear for Valentine 's Day . We did this last year , too , the weekend before Valentine 's . We decided to go this past weekend so it wouldn 't be too crowded . Puh - lease . That place was packed full of people . And so many rude kids ! Three little girls , who were in line behind Owen , actually pushed him out of the way so they could see the selection of animals . Unbelievable . Somebody asked where their parents were , but I didn 't see them anywhere ( big surprise ) . I think Audrey enjoyed it , although she was overwhelmed . That place is so hot , it 's ridiculous . I 'm the most cold - natured person I know , but I knew from last year that I was going to be miserable . Even with a short - sleeved shirt , though , I was roasting . I could never work there ; what a nightmare . The lights are so bright , it 's so loud , and I feel like I 'm teaching again when I 'm in there . : : shudder : : Audrey got a really cute dog , though , and he has a magnet in his mouth and one paw so he can " blow kisses " . Here he is . Adorable . So I guess it was worth it . This is so ridiculous . I mean , really . Can 't we catch a break ? Around 11 : 00 on Tuesday night , I was reading in bed and heard Audrey coughing ( or what I thought was coughing ) . Then I heard a lot of moving around , so I decided to run in there . I didn 't turn on the light , hoping I could soothe her back to sleep . I was immediately hit by this sickly sweet smell . I actually thought for a second , Did she sneak something to eat in her room ? Which totally didn 't make sense , I realize . I turned on the light , and there was vomit EVERYWHERE . Literally . It was all over her , her " babies " , the sheets , the crib , and the WALL . Talk about projectile vomiting . She was on her knees in the crib , staring at her hands , which were covered with . . . well , you know . She was just totally confused by what had happened , since she hasn 't ever really thrown up . Besides the spit up she had as a baby , of course . Oh my gosh , it was terrible . I immediately scooped her up , and she was so hot . She kept saying " Mess , mess " and I was trying to reassure her that everything was okay . She 's become kind of obsessed about messes lately . I started making my way to the bedroom to get David , and he met us at the door . He had to wash everything in the crib , including the babies . Thank goodness we have a duplicate of her lovey she 's had since she was a baby . She needed a bath for obvious reasons , and it was around midnight when we got back to bed . David decided to stay home right then and there , and he started working on sub plans . We didn 't know how the night was going to go . Thankfully , that was the only time she threw up . On Wednesday , I already had an appt with my homeopathic doctor , since I 've been feeling so weak and fatigued . Audrey went with us , and Jeanne decided to test her , too . We both have something called rickettsia , which is a virus and bacterial infection all rolled up in one . Double the fun . She also tested David , who didn 't have it , thank goodness . So now I 'm giving her drops in water and spraying an immune - enhancing homeopathic into her mouth twice a day . David had the idea to get her to open her mouth to sing , and then I spray it in there . It doesn 't have any taste , which is wonderful . So we go back to Jeanne on Monday to see if it 's gone . I pray that it is . Here she is after our wonderful night . Looking a little paler than usual , no ? I 'm addicted to my Nook . Seriously . Just a few months ago , I would have scoffed at the idea of having one . I have an English degree , I used to teach English , and I love the feel of a book in my hands . I thought that snuggling up with a Nook just wouldn 't be the same . And it 's not . It 's so much better ! I do the majority of my reading in bed while lying down , and I prop my books up on a pillow . This was getting increasingly hard for me , because with the fibro , my hands get tired , especially with hardbacks . But with the Nook ? No problem . I also don 't have to angle a book so I can get the best lighting , since it has its own light . It 's easier for me to prop up on a pillow . And you can change the text size if you need to . I have the Nook Color , and I asked for that one with the idea that DD would enjoy some of the children 's books . I 've been a little disappointed with that , though , since hardly any of them are free . In fact , most of the books aren 't . I had thought that some of the classics would be cheap , maybe 99 cents , but most are not . The good thing is that I have a few gift cards from Christmas , so I can read to my heart 's content for now . When those run out . . . well , I 'm not looking forward to going back to " real " books . If you don 't plan on using the Nook for children 's books , you really don 't need the Nook Color . But if you do , it 's pretty cool . I 've downloaded a couple of free ones for Audrey , and she really likes them . I think there 's also an app that allows some books to be read by the Nook . I have to investigate that , especially for when I 'm my voice is getting hoarse from reading ! I also downloaded a book about sea creatures ( above Audrey 's level ) , but she enjoyed looking at the pictures . The colors look good and sharp . 3 . She lines things up . She has this tiny set of Mickey Mouse books , and she will line them up in a row on the kitchen floor . She has the Leapfrog phonics fridge magnets , which are rounded at the top so they can fit in Scout 's doghouse . The other night , Mom put the magnets in alphabetical order . After she was done , Audrey turned around the Z and the N , which Mom had misplaced because she didn 't know about the round part . 5 . She 's come to know my doctor / health care people 's names . When I leave , she 'll say the name of the person she thinks I 'm going to see . Kind of cute , kind of sad . 6 . She likes to poop in private , which is pretty common . But one night , she disappeared into the kitchen , and Mom went to check on her . She had gone in there to poop , and when she saw Mom , she said , " Go back in there ! " ( talking about the den ) . Hey , a girl needs her privacy . I know I 'm late on this one , but I know you 'll forgive me . I don 't think I was ready to accept that I have a two - year - old . Plus , one or the other of us has been sick since the first of November . It 's been a trying time . You have changed into a different person in the last year , although many things have stayed the same . You 're still a wonderful , sweet , caring little girl . You just aren 't as little now . Sometimes I wish I could reverse time and experience your babyhood again , but I know I 'd miss the person you are now . Your personality is so wonderful . You 're easy - going , just like your daddy . You 're cheerful and playful . You 're funny . You 're loving . You 're everything I could ever hope for in a daughter . And you 're tall ! I didn 't realize that for a while , since you 're not often around kids your own age . But I 've been noticing it lately , and my thoughts were confirmed when we took you in for your 2 - year checkup . You are in the 93rd percentile for height . Say what ? To say I 'm shocked would be an understatement . I mean , I 'm 5 ' 2 " on a good day ! Once thing that hasn 't changed too much is your eating habits . You started refusing meat about a year ago , and you 're continuing that trend . In fact , you 're very picky about food now , much to our frustration . I guess it 's just a toddler thing . You know so many words now , and you 've been using complete sentences for a while . Your intelligence and skills of observation constantly amaze me . Your favorite activity is still reading books , which is great . I guess you take after me that way : ) You love your daddy to pieces , and he 's often the only one who can soothe you when you 're upset . In fact , I can hear you in your bedroom right now chattering happily about Daddy . He loves you so much . As I mentioned before , I gave David a mini helicopter for Christmas . Actually , I gave him two ( not the plan , by the way ) . I ordered the first one on October 14 , and every time I called the company to check on the order , they said it would be shipped out in 1 - 2 weeks . Every . time . Finally , I asked if it was going to be delivered by Christmas . They said it would , but they didn 't sound very confident . So I told them I wanted to cancel my order . The woman said okay , and she didn 't even try to talk me out of it . I asked her for a confirmation email of my cancelled order , and she said they usually don 't do that . Sketchy . The charge stayed on my bank statement , and I couldn 't get in touch with them to save my life . Sometimes when I called , I 'd get this message from a girl saying they weren 't available . Did I mention that the girl sounded like a high school kid , and she also seemed to be giggling at the beginning of the message ? And sometimes when I called , I 'd get a message saying the number had been disconnected . Ridiculous . I decided to buy another helicopter for David , this time a Coast Guard one , since David wanted to be in the Coast Guard at one point in his life . It came quickly . I had it sent to Mom 's , since I didn 't want David to know . Well , my brother opened it and flew it around for a while . Guess why ? Because he had ordered one for himself , and he thought it was his . So my surprise for David was in less than pristine condition . Annoying . Now , these things are amazingly hard to control . His doesn 't have a remote ; he can use his iPod Touch to control it . He had a little trouble with it at first , but when I flew it for the first ( and only ) time , it was a fail . I kept hitting the ceiling , which David did as well , but mine was worse . Little bits of the ceiling were raining down all over the place . It was so bad that David had to do a major clean - up when it was all said and done . It was really fun , though . I 'd like to fly it again , but I don 't think David wants me to : ) The other helicopter , from GADGET TV ( you suck , by the way ) , arrived at Mom 's , even though I 'd cancelled the order . David decided to keep it , too , since I owed him a birthday present or two . Complicated story for another time . Good times at our house , as Audrey and I duck for cover as David practices . Boys and their toys . . . Yeah , he had to go back on Monday . He was so bummed out about it , and I was , too ( and still am ) . We had a great time during the holidays , except the last part when I got sick , and it 's always so hard for him to go back after a break . I went back to my homeopathic doctor last Thursday , and things aren 't going as well as she expected . I had to take a Z pack a few weeks ago for a sinus infection , and that just allows the fungus that causes my pain to run rampant . The good news is that I 'm getting rid of the plaque that 's been building up in my arteries . The bad news is . . . I feel terrible . And , I have a viral and bacterial infection , which means the antibiotic wasn 't entirely effective . Sigh . Starting about Wednesday of last week , I felt like my fibro was back with a vengeance . Pain all over my body with even the slightest touch , no stamina , falling asleep at the drop of a hat . David 's uncle had flown in from Connecticut for a few days after Christmas , and I only got to see him for about two minutes , literally . I was in bed when he came over to visit for a few hours , and I was also in bed when David 's family had a post - Christmas lunch . I 'm trying not to feel sorry for myself , but it 's really hard . Monday wasn 't too awful , mainly because my mom came over in the afternoon . She had the day off , and she was supposed to be over here all day , but she 's not been feeling well , either . Also , Audrey 's got some kind of bug . Her temp 's been averaging around 100 , and she has a cough that doesn 't sound good . At all . We 've been using the humidifier in her room at night and during naps , though , and I think it 's helped her symptoms . She probably got something during her 2 - year checkup on Friday , ironically enough . Or who knows where she got it . Yesterday was not fun . I was so sleepy and worn out , and I had to force myself to stay awake and take care of Audrey . She was irritable , and so was I , which isn 't a great combination . But , as much as David doesn 't want to be back at school , he thinks he 's going to have some good kids this semester . He 's teaching his class using the Internet , where students can submit work , among other things . The students seem to like this , since they 're so used to technology . I hope it 's a great semester for him . Now , I just have to get myself back in a schedule . And I have to pray fervently that I feel better . Audrey 's gotten used to going places and being on the move during Christmas break , so she 's got to adjust to mainly staying at home all day again . And so do I . Yuck . |
One of my favorite songs that I used to sing when I led Worship while in prison is called " In the Secret " . We sang it in church this morning and the power of the words once again struck me . I want to know YouI want to hear Your voiceI want to know You , more ! ( From " In the Secret " ) I spent the Christmas holiday with my sister , Debbie . As has become our practice whenever we seem to get together in the past year , we talked . That may seem like an unusual statement to make , but if you knew me ( and the dynamics of our family ) , you would understand what a miracle that a genuine conversation in our family is . My history is that I would engage in conversation , but I would never " talk " . There was just too great a possibility that by really talking , I might reveal part of who I really was and not just the mask that I had become . All the changed when I went to prison . As anyone can imagine , prison changes a person . . . sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse . In my case , I believe it was for the better . It 's not that I would say my life today is great . . . it 's far from it . Instead of living in a quarter of a million dollar condo on the golf course , I live in a fifth - wheel trailer that is worth less than 10 % of my last home . My salary is half what it was when I was arrested and the family I had married is no longer mine . No more wife . No more kids . No more mom and dad . No more grandkids . All gone . But there is something else that is gone today as well . . . all my secrets . When your life is splashed across the front pages of the newspaper and makes the lead story on the five o ' clock news , it doesn 't make much sense to try to conceal your life any more . And there has been such a blessing in that . I can openly " talk " about who I am and what I 'm feeling and what my fears are without worrying about whether it may tarnish my reputation or not . And since I 've been out of prison these past 16 months , that has been my everyday practice . While my sister and I were talking this week , I realized how little I knew my sister until this pastPosted by It was actually a really good conversation . I was at my brother , Frank 's , boat for dinner and the exchange of early Christmas presents . Baby - back ribs , fresh salad , oven - fried potatoes with onions still populated my plate . A half - empty glass of wine rested nearby . Clare and I were in a pretty serious conversation about how people can REALLY be helped out of a life of sin . Without going into great detail here , I shared some of my " hitting bottom " experience of being in prison and how that has changed my perspective on life in a lot of ways . . . including being willing to be unashamedly honest about things I never would have even considered talking about five years ago . The conversation moved toward what people ( men mostly ) are supposed to do after they go through a workshop like " Every Man 's Battle " and coming out like they can beat their addiction to pornography . They feel better because they realize they are not alone . But what happens after the " weekend retreat " is over and the real world hits them again and they are being bombarded by the same temptations they had before the retreat . It was then that Clare asked a question that caught me off guard . " You know , Mark , if you were to write a book about your experiences . . . your battles and what it all cost you . . . and men read your book . What would tell them they needed to do after they had the information . . . after they had read your story . . . after you had given them hope that they could win this battle ? " It was a really great question that I 'm not sure I have the answer for yet ! And that really disturbed me . I 've really believed since I was first arrested that God has placed a calling in my life to use my story and my experiences to help other men who deal with the same issues of sexual sin . I have absolutely NO doubt that I have to write a book that might give men ( and their wives ) hope in a seemingly hopeless situation . But Clare 's question really brought something into a more clear focus for me . A book that simply tells my story . . . even though it is an interesting one , is noPosted by It has only been four days since my last group session , but a lot of our discussion that night continues to roll around in my head . It ended up being a night that mostly focused on me . Because of the " storm of the century " ( as the TV news will soon be calling it , I 'm sure ) , most of the group didn 't show up . . . there were only four of us plus the therapist . I had been dragging my autobiography with me to group for the past month , but the time never seemed quite right . With the small group we had lots of time so I offered to share it . In my mind , I had figured that I would pretty much simply read it . I had spent considerable time writing it up . . . over eight pages typed . But as I started to read the first sentence , I soon found myself ad - libbing and going into considerable more detail than my written version . It didn 't really seem to matter though , because the therapist soon had me jumping from moving to Sandpoint when I was two years old to wanting to know about when my dad beat me with the willow switch until it cut my legs open . I had shared the story with the group several months ago on a night when we were talking about trust . . . or lack of it , and apparently the doctor remembered . As we talked , he wanted to know how I felt about my dad after that , and how old I was . . . and how close in time proximity it was to when I was molested by the neighbor boy . As I sat there and thought about his questions , there were a lot of things going through my mind . I wasn 't sure initially how old I was . . . I 've tried to forget . But after thinking and relating it to other events , I remembered that I was in the sixth grade , so I would have been about 11 or 12 when dad beat me . I searched for the right words to describe how I felt about my dad after that event and the only word that seemed to fit was " indifferent " . I didn 't hate him . . . I still don 't . But I know as I look back through the years at that moment under the willow trees that I never looked at dad the same way again after that . He wasn 't really my " father " any longer . He still providePosted by The deep richness of the blue eyes immediately catches my attention . Her thick , blond curls drape softly around her cheeks , framing her beautiful smile . She stands there , with a shy hesitation as Jim introduces me . " Sammie , this is Mark . He 's one of the guys I told you about that I go to breakfast with . Can you say hi ? " Slowly , a small hand reaches out to take mine and we gently pump our hands in greeting . " Hi " , she says , barely above a whisper . I tell her " hi " back and she moves back toward Jim , still smiling as she clutches his leg . The smile on Jim 's face is broad and deep as he moves around the church sanctuary , introducing this little girl to other choir members and friends . You can tell without asking that there is a bond of trust between this little girl and the man that became her foster " dad " only days ago . She continues to smile and shake hands and say pleasant " hellos " as she moves from group to group on this first day that she has ever gone to church . As I watched Jim and Sammie , I felt a tug in my heart and an all too frequent question emerge from my subconscious . . . " how could a beautiful little five year old like end up in the foster system ? " " How could God 's greatest gift to us besides salvation go unclaimed and unloved by the ones who created her ? " I don 't know all of Sammie 's story , just that she is one of four children of meth addicts . When the courts determined that her parents could no longer care for her or her three older siblings , her aunt and uncle took them in . But that only lasted for a year , and ten days ago , they chose to give them up and place them in foster care . I remember as a younger man , in my early twenties visiting my sister and her husband at the time . They had opened their home to foster children , and I remember one child in particular . I was lucky enough to visit their home shortly after the little boys was placed with my sister . He was a beautiful boy . . . not unlike Sammie . Blond hair . Blue eyes . Even with his placement in the foster system , he was still a " lover " . I can still remembPosted by It was mid - November when the phone rang . It was " the " phone call every parent is afraid they might one day receive . Paula and I were asleep and were pulled out of the foggy state by the ringing of the phone . It was her mom on the other end . " They 've been in an accident and the doctors aren 't sure Doug is going to make it " , she whispered with a voice that was barely audible through her stress - strained voice . I tried to console mom and then handed the phone to Paula . They spoke for a few moments and as Paula hung up the phone and handed it back to me , the tears began to flow from her beautiful , blue eyes . " What happened ? " , I asked . She shared that the Northwest College basketball team that her brother Doug coached had been in a serious accident driving from Spokane to Walla Walla . The van he was driving his a patch of black ice as it went in a corner and Doug lost control . The van left the road way , rolled four times and skidded nearly 900 feet before it came to rest . I almost couldn 't get the words out of my throat . " What about Jason ? " Jason is Paula 's oldest son . I consider him my oldest son as , even though none of my blood flow through his veins . " Mom said he was taken to the other hospital . She isn 't sure , but she said he 's not as bad as Doug is . " Paula lay there in bed next to me , her body trembling . I pulled her close and simply held her . It was all I could offer her . After a while had passed , I told her that I would call the principal of the school where I taught and tell him that I would need a substitute and we would leave to go see them as soon as she was ready . Her brother did nearly die . He didn 't breathe on his own for the first several day and spent the next month in the hospital . In describing his injuries , the Seattle Times said that they would " take up several chapters of Grey 's Anatomy . " But he finally came home before Christmas and spent the next several months slowly recuperating . Our son Jason suffered a broken collar bone and a fractured vertebrae in his back and spent three days in the hospital befoPosted by It has been five years . . . five very long years since I 've done this . I thought it would be a lot easier . I should have known better ! As I sit here now , I 'm glad that I did it , but there is a small ache in my heart that I wish would go away . I know it won 't . . . actually , I don 't think that it can . I know it won 't go away if I try to push . Well , maybe it would , but the truth is , I 'm not sure that I want it too . Because with the ache come memories , and those memories are good . The best of my life . Yesterday , I drug all of the Christmas decorations that I 've been buying since all of the " after Christmas " sales last year out of my closet and out from the storage under my little home on wheels . I had purchased a nice tree last January that I have in storage up at my little brother Geoff 's place , but it is much too big for this place . So , I went out and bought a small four foot tree . I had bought some beautiful ribbon for the big tree that I bought , and guess what ? It was much too big for my little tree . Sooooooo , I had to go buy some new ribbon ! And the ribbon that I bought was a different color than the beautiful ribbon that I bought last summer , so I had to buy some different colored ornaments as well . The box of Christmas " stuff " that I had pulled out of my closet is still about half full . . . the wrong color . Aaahhhhhhh ! But still , it is so worth it ! I have always loved Christmas and my memories of the holiday season when I was married to Paula were always so wonderful . She loved to decorate , and I would usually start to pull the boxes ( and boxes . . . and boxes . . . and boxes ) and the trees ( yes , I said trees . We usually had about 12 - 15 decorated trees of various sizes in the house ) out of the closets and storage spaces in our home on Veteran 's day . That 's when the decorating would begin . The goal was to be done by Thanksgiving so that when we got home from Paula 's folks house after Turkey Day , we would always come home to a beautifully decorated home . And we did ! As I thought about decorating my first tree alone , I wanted it to Posted by The room was empty except for the five of us . The chairs were spread out and all of us had our shoes off and a couple of us had our feet resting up on a chair in front of us . The floor was strewn with empty soda cans and a half empty package of cookies from the commissary . A bag of red vines was getting passed around the group as we sat and watched the 36 " screen in front of us . The music on the TV began to swell as the young man in the film sharpened his sketching pencils and the young actress let the blouse she was wearing fall to the floor . All of a sudden the doors to the small Chapel room we were in swung open and two women came strolling in carrying clipboards . I recognized them as staff , but I didn 't know either of their names . Bill jumped from his chair and quickly turned the VCR and TV off and ran over to the woman who was obviously in charge . " Good afternoon , Warden " , he said . " Is there anything I can help you with today ? ' Bill was the head clerk in the Chapel at the time and recognized both of these women . He was obviously as surprised as the rest of us that they had walked in during our study , but he was recovering very quickly . " Hello , Mr . Oxford " , the assistant warden replied . " What are you guys doing in here today . . . and what movie are you watching ? " Zack quickly got up and grabbed the sleeve for the movie and took it over to her . " We 're doing a facilitator 's study on the book " Wild at Heart " and they recommend that you watch several movies that are referenced in the book " , he said . " This is one of them . " " Where did you get this movie ? Do you have permission to have it ? " It got quiet for a moment and then John stood up and answered her question for her . " I checked it out through the college . I work as a tutor over there and it 's checked out through me . " She stood there , quietly for a moment looking from one man to the next . " Do you have a curriculum guide for this course ? " , she asked . I knew that I had remembered reading in the facilitator 's guide the recommendation of the movies that we should watch as a part Posted by It was almost time for our unit to be released to go to dinner , so I walked up toward the foyer and the doors . As I got closer to the front of the unit , I noticed that a crowd had gathered and that most of the men were all looking in the same place . It was too quiet for it to be a fight and as I got closer , I quickly realized why the crowd had gathered . . . Kevin was there ! I moved closer and stood toward the back of the group . Even though I 'd seen this many times before , I was always amazed at the skills that Kevin had . To look at him , your first impression was that he was just a big , soft nerd . He wore nondescript glasses that often slid down on his nose . Whenever you would walk by his cube , he would be buried in a book . . . a REAL book . Not the best seller novels that circulated the unit , but books that you would expect to read in a college literature class . But inside this anomaly of a man was a genuine talent . Tonight , he was causing a card to disappear and then reappear inside of his mouth . He wasn 't so good that I didn 't notice that when he coughed during the " show " and put his hand over his mouth that he may have also deposited the disappearing card there . But he was good enough that very few had seen it . He went through his act , asking one of the men if his card was in the deck . One by one , the cards were turned over and the card was no where to be found . Then , with amazement , he slowly pulled folded card from inside of his mouth to the delight of the inmates and guards alike that had gathered around . " Just one more ! " , one of the inmates called out . " How did he do that ? " , another one asked . " Can you show us ? " Kevin smiled his big , shy smile and said he 'd do one more . He picked a man out of the crowd and started to go through another of his tricks as the men laughed and " wowwed " through the show . I got along well with Kevin . When he first moved into the unit , he was placed in my cube and we were " cellies " for about a month . His mom was a writer who lived near Los Angeles and I don 't know anything about his dad . . . he nPosted by What would prison be with out the classic Mafia " goombah " ? His name was Tony ( classic , don 't you think ? ) and he was from New Jersey ( could it get any better ? ) If Hollywood were making a movie of my prison experience , Tony would be played by Danny DeVito . He was short . . . and round . . . and obnoxious . And he was everything that you would expect him to be . There 's really no way to know what Tony was in for . He said it was for dealing drugs but he was another of your classic con 's . He wouldn 't know truth if it bit him . The rumors were that he was here in California because he had made enemies in the other institutions that had housed him because he had a major problem with gambling . Actually , the problem wasn 't so much gambling . . . he did that quite well . His problem was paying his gambling debts . . . something seemed to have quite a difficult time accomplishing . So it seemed that he would stay in one place for a year or so until his debts became so great they could no longer be forgiven . Then he would find himself threatened with bodily harm and PC ( protective custody ) himself up and off he would go to the next " Club Fed . " For all of Tony 's faults , he was good to me from the beginning . I really don 't understand why . It wasn 't like I befriended him in any way . For the first four months I was in prison , I didn 't have my own radio and the only way you could watch TV in the day room was through the FM signal on the radio . On more than one occasion , Tony offered me the use of one of his radios so I could watch the weekend movie or a football game . He never asked for anything in return and never sent the message that I " owed " him anything . In fact , because he realized I didn 't have much , he would also offer me cookies or chips on occasion . Tony also had a difficult time accepting several of the other men who were in our unit . One of them was Chris , a young man who was in prison for a similar charge as mine . . . illegal pornography . Unfortunately for Chris , he hadn 't heeded the advise of the counselors when he entered and he had told peoPosted by It 's been over 30 years , but I still remember . And for some reason , I 've been remembering it more lately . It was Christmas time , and it was a really tough financial time for my parents . . . actually , for all of us . My folks had lost their business to a financial failure and were slowly trying to find their way back to a solid financial footing . My mom had never been very responsible with money and had managed to acquire a lot of debt . In the past several years , I suppose in her attempt to try to make Christmas " special " , she had spent money that she didn 't have on gifts that really didn 't have a whole lot of special meaning to anyone . Not that it wasn 't appreciated . . . it just wasn 't special . I 've always loved Christmas , and I have to admit that while I like to receive presents , I get much greater pleasure out of giving . As a young teenager working in my folks hardware store during the Christmas season , I loved to take the family out to dinner on Christmas Eve to one of the nicer restaurants in town located down by the beach . It felt good to pull the money out of my own wallet and pay the ticket and give something special to my family that was there . But the Christmas 30 + years ago was different . It seemed that I didn 't have anything to give . I was in college and no job so I didn 't have any cash . My parents were struggling so they didn 't have much to give . As I remember , as a family , we decided that we weren 't really going to buy gifts for Christmas that year . We would make them instead . I don 't know how it came about , but I have to believe that it was my sister Debbie 's idea that she and I do something together . There are some things that you need to know about Debbie . First , she is an extremely gifted person with a lot of " right " brain talents . She is extremely creative and has an eye for things beautiful . And . . . she is very bright . I remember as a child growing up having teachers ask if I was " Debbie 's brother " because she was such a good student . Her idea was to create a photo album using pictures I had taken over the Posted by It was a Friday evening after dinner was over and I walked into the laundry room to see if a washing machine was open . As I turned the corner , one of the other inmates was standing on the top of the washing , closing a " supposed " locked ceiling door . He looked at me with suspicion as I turned and left the laundry . As I walked back to my cube , a couple of questions crossed my mind . " How did he get into that locked trapdoor in the ceiling ? " " What was the garbage bag doing up in the ceiling ? " A few weeks later as we were waiting after the 10 : 30 standing count to go to lunch , I was intrigued as I watched one of the men climb up onto the six foot high walls that surround our cubes and look up on top of the heating ducts that crisscrossed the ceiling of the unit . The CO 's had gone to the unit on the other side to count so we were unsupervised for a few moments . I watched as the inmate popped open a vent on one of the heating ducts and pull out the end of a garbage bag , look at it for a moment , and then push it back in and set the duct cover back in place . He had soon let himself back down so that when the CO came back , every thing in the unit was perfectly normal . I have to admit , sometimes I 'm a bit naive . I didn 't have a clue about what was going on as these different inmates checked on their contraband in these hiding places . But I had the wisdom not to ask any questions , either to the inmates or to any of the staff . The truth was , these were the local " moonshiners " . . . the makers of " pruno . " Until entering prison , I 'd never heard of pruno . With my past , that 's really kind of surprising . I was a very heavy drinker in my youth and I thought that I had heard of just about everything there was to drink . . . but I was definitely wrong . Pruno is prison " hootch " . . . prison wine , and it can be made out of just about anything that can ferment . I found this description of pruno from http : / / www . cheapfunwines . com / , and it pretty much describes pruno to a T : " By most accounts , pruno isn 't something a normal human would want to drink , so potenPosted by I can think of a lot things I would rather be doing . getting my wisdom teeth pulled . . . without a pain killer ! walking over a bed of hot , burning embershaving my fingernails pulled out , one by one and dipping my fingers in vinegarlistening to a U . S . History lecture in eleventh gradeGet the picture ? What is that I 'm doing that is so painful ? I 'm completing my " Autobiographical Outline " as part of my treatment program ! I 'm not sure anything can be more painful right now . . . and I 'm only to age 6 ! ! ! It 's interesting to me how life seems to work . My life seems to be full of opportunities to reflect and look to past recently , when that is the last place I want to be looking right now . There is so little about my history that I want to remember , and those few memories that are good seem to slip further and further out of reach each day . One of the questions that I was asked to answer went like this : How did your family show feelings toward each other ? a . Anger ? b . Love ? c . Closeness ? d . Fear ? I was hoping it was actually a multiple choice question , but I don 't think my therapist would see the humor in that perspective . Even as a multiple choice question , it would have been hard to choose any one of those feelings ! Part of my problem is that I remember so very little of my childhood . Sadly , I 'm afraid there is a lot that I should remember and my mind continues to protect itself , so I stay in a perpetual state of fogginess . So how do I answer a question like this ? First , I think my family were experts at NOT showing their feelings . . . at least not their true feelings ! I don 't even know if my parents could honestly say that they loved each other , even though they lived together as man and wife for over 40 years . Even though they kissed ( usually three quick pecks ) and said " I love you " , it was very seldom visibly displayed in any meaningful way . I learned that you didn 't share your feelings because they weren 't honored , and it usually resulted in pain or humiliation . As I look back and try to picture that little boy growing up , I see anMark Lyons Every morning I see him . I 'm usually only about three blocks from work , but there he is . I would guess he is probably in the sixth grade because he is walking toward the local middle school . He could be in seventh , but if he is he is small for his age . Lately , his face is barely visible with his hooded jacket pulled up over his head . . . . the draw string pulled tightly so that a circle of cloth covers most of his face . His too long jacket sleeves hang down over his hands , probably a blessing on the cold mornings as he walks to school . I 've observed him now for nearly a year . As I look upon this young man . . . still only a boy , I see glimpses of myself . He appears to be lonely . Just the other day , my heart ached for him as I watched him run up the street to catch up with another boy walking to school . The other boy appeared older , at least six inches taller . It was like the young boy wanted to be noticed . . . to belong to a group , even if it was only a group of two . In my heart , I was hoping that I would see the two of them walking down the street in the morning . . . talking . . . laughing . . . doing the things young boys should be doing at that age . But the next day , and every day since , the young boys walks alone . On those morning when I take the short cut and drive up his street , I can see him walking toward me instead of only away from me . . . going in the same direction as I drive . I look into his face and I rarely see a smile . He has never waved , which seems strange to me . I would think if you saw the same car every day as you walked to school , there would come a day when you would wave , if only to see if the driver would wave back . It makes me wonder what his young mind is thinking . Is he afraid ? Has our culture and society become so dark and evil that a young boy wouldn 't even wave at a familiar car ? Would that be me ? That young boy isn 't the only one that I 've noticed in the past few weeks . As I stand on the stage at church each Sunday in the choir , I have a chance to look out over the congregation . I can see the faces of each pePosted by I have to admit that there was a part of me that was still filled with fear as I walked through the steel doors and onto the main yard that very first time . Even though I knew that God had made promises to me to keep me safe , and to deliver me at the end of my sentence , my flesh was uncertain . I 'd never been in trouble before , and I 'd certainly never spent time around " felons " . My vision of the men I was about to meet had come from the media only . . . and we all know how accurate it is . But I have to admit in this case , they weren 't all wrong . His name was " Blue Fly " . I didn 't know the origin of his name , but I 'm sure there was a story behind it . If the casting director for " Law and Order " or some other mindless TV cop show was looking for a criminal to cast in one of their episodes , this man was it . He had " banger " written all over him . An African - American , his dark skin couldn 't cover there abundance of tattoos that seemed to cover nearly every inch of his exposed skin . When he smiled ( which never seemed to have the warmth that I looked for in smiles ) , the diamonds embedded in his gold teeth shimmered in the desert sunshine . There was a pretty large African - American population in the prison , and Blue Fly was one of the loudest , most foul - mouthed among the group . Even those men in his own gambling group got tired of his outbursts . Like many of the men who lived beside me , Blue Fly was not a man that you would want to trust with anything that you might need the next day . He was a thief and a liar . . . and the rumors were , a snitch . Whenever he was busted for a violation and sent to the SHU . . . the " special housing unit " , or as I like to call it , the " hole " , he would soon be released back into the general population . And it seemed others would take his place in those solitary cells , compliments of Blue Fly 's tongue . I didn 't have much contact with Blue Fly even though he lived in the same unit that I did . I intentionally stayed out of his way , as well as the paths of many other men like him . But a funny thing happened . . . he nPosted by Christmas season . . . 2004 ! My first Christmas in prison and I had no idea what to expect . Some of the other inmates had told me about the Christmas " bag " that we would receive on Christmas eve , but for some reason , the idea of a bag of candy and cookies . . . and jalapeno flavor ramen didn 't get me too excited . I knew that my contact with any family from the outside would be limited . Paula and I had agreed to cease any communication for about three months over the winter of that first year in prison . The months of December through February held too many memories . . . some of the happiest days of our lives . . . and some of the most painful . I honestly didn 't know how I would survive ! But God is a God of miracles . . . and God of great love . He always knows our deepest needs . I had been singing in the church choir at church for about three months by now and each year the chapel put on a Christmas program for the entire compound . All of the different Christian " churches " that were at prison were invited to attend and participate . As a part of the program , a combined choir was formed to sing a couple of songs together . And that 's when God sent me a gift . . . a gift I will remember forever and who I occasionally think and wonder about . His name is De . I had seen this young Vietnamese often in the chapel . He was a leader in the Catholic group and would often come into the chapel office to pick up their box for a Bible study or to get ready for their Wednesday afternoon mass . We had never really visited . . . just a shy smile on his part and a " howdy " on mine . I had never even bothered to ask him his name . . . he was just another face . But he is one of those people who have something about them that is attractive to me . It is probably the twinkle of his eyes . . . or the gentleness of his smile . Whatever it was , it had remained hidden from me until that first Christmas . One of the songs that we did as a combined choir was " The 12 Days of Christmas " and the choir director assigned a part of twelve of us to sing the short verse about " our " day of ChristmaPosted by As a 52 year old man , my body has had it share of hurts and pains . My hands are a constant visual reminder of careless times with objects with very sharp edges . My thighs a constant reminder of offending my dad . . . and of the price felt at the end of a willow switch . There are times when it is a struggle to get up from my chair at work after sitting in front of my computer for hours and I remember days when the pain in my shoulders was so great I couldn 't write on the chalkboard of my classroom . The four inch thick mattress on a sheet of steel that I slept on for three years while in prison will probably always leave a toll on my back and my feet . But there is an interesting thing about all of those pains . No matter how hard I try to remember what that pain actually felt like , I can 't . I only know that it hurt at the time . I am sure that is God 's blessing because we all fall down at times and we all experience physical pain . . . some of us more than others . But there is another kind of pain that I am feeling today . . . and have been for the past several weeks . I compare it to the " phantom pain " that people who have had amputations feel . It is the pain that comes from looking at back at the memories from my past and knowing that they are gone forever . Like the leg lost in battle in Iraq , the " phantom pain " the soldier experiences is akin to the pain I feel at the loss of a wife , a family , a career . . . at at times , my own self respect . Last weekend I travelled to my sister 's to spend the weekend and pick of the remainder of my possessions that have been in storage with friends since I was sent to prison . On the one hand , it was a wonderful weekend spent with my sister . Her love and support for me have been beyond expectation ! Driving down to her home on Friday night , I had no concept of the emotional roller coaster that was facing me . I wasn 't prepared for the memory flood that I was going to experience in the next 48 hours , and I still haven 't recovered from . As we descended into the dank , musty basement when my " stuff " was sPosted by I don 't remember exactly when I started down this road . It may have been when I was molested for the first time . Or it may have been when I viewed my first pornography . . . or the second . . . or the thousandth . I may have taken the first stem on that spring day when I first discovered the pleasures of masturbation . Or was on my first sexual encounter with another boy near my own age . I 'm not sure I will ever know . But , sadly , I 've discovered that this road leads away from life . . . and toward a lonely , painful death . I recently read the story of Paul in the Book of Acts again when he had his encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus . He went by the name of Saul at this point in his life . He was a strict Pharisee , as religious as they came . And he hated anyone who believed that Jesus was who He claimed to be . . . the Son of God . So he started down a path . . . a road . . . to try to rid the earth of as many Christians as he could . It appears that he was doing such a good job that he wanted to go after those who had moved out of his " hunting " range . Paul got permission from the big mucky - mucks in the church and went out of country to arrest Christ 's followers . But a funny . . . or not so funny , depending on your perspective . . . thing happened to Paul as he and some of his fellow travelers where walking down a dusty road leading to Damascus . God didn 't seem to like what Paul was up to so He paid him a little visit . Appearing as a bright , blinding light , Jesus touched Paul and he fell to his knees in awe and fear . And in blindness . After a few words with the Master , Paul picks himself up off the ground to find that he can 't see and his travelling companions guide him into town where he decides to fast for three days . It 's the next part of this story that has had the greatest impact on me . God tells a Christian living in Damascus to go to Paul and pray for him so he can receive his sight back . And when this man , Ananias , prays for Paul , the Bible says that " scales " fell from Paul 's eyes and he was able to see again . I know what that must have Posted by As a young boy , I loved the mountain that rose up behind our farm . I can 't count the number of warm summer days that my brothers , and sometimes my sister , would climb and play on that mountain . As we would look up at it from our dairy farm in the valley below , there were three " cliffs " that stair stepped their way up the side of the mountain . The highest one was made up of a giant rock that jutted out from the side of the hill , most likely left behind by a slow moving glacier many millenia ago . Lying at the base of the " third cliff " was a field of rocks and boulders that lay scattered randomly until they eventually disappeared into the forest below . The cliff and the rocks below provided the backdrop for countless adventures of cowboys and Indians , playing " Army " and hunts for hidden , buried treasure . I can remember one summer day when my brothers and I decided to explore the rocks at the base of the cliff . We had climbed over the rocks numerous times , often times stopping at the " big cave " . It wasn 't a cave in the classical sense , it was actually a hollow created by the arrangement of the way the large rocks lay on top of each other . We would sometimes find bones laying on the floor of the cave , igniting the imagination . . . and perhaps a little fear . . . in the mind of this young adventure seeker . What kind of bones could they be ? Maybe the remains of some unlucky hiker ravaged by a hungry bear . Or perhaps the bones of a deer or some other wild animal that had spent their last moments under the protection of the large flat stone that served as the roof of the cave . The fact that most of the bones we found in the dirt floor of the cave had neatly sawed edges didn 't occur to the active minds of those young boys . We were exploring and reality rarely invades the minds of an adventurous spirit . As we worked our way along the rocks in the heat of that summer day , my little brother Geoff yelled over to us . " I think I found a real cave " , he hollered . " The opening isn 't very big , but it looks like it goes back a long way . " My oldePosted by My brother , Mark , turned 61 on April 6 . He is the middle child in our family constellation . I am the oldest , only girl , and do not share a father with t . . . How many of you have ever gone mountain climbing ? Or gone climbing on one of those rock wall places ? When I was growing up as a boy in North Idaho , we live . . . |
I have a new plugin ( well , a few ) that I 'm working with , so there are some things that are a work in progress . The plugin I 'm fiddling with right now is the ' organize series ' plugin and that means that the only series I currently have , the World Walkers series , is a little muddled , as none of the stories are yet in the correct order . I 'll work on that tomorrow , because the plugin is one of the most useful I 've found for my writing . ( Unless someone really nice would like to offer to do it for me - I pay in stories . ) Jason walked alone along the street , not paying attention to anything other than the voices he could hear . Some of the wishes were ones he would never even contemplate fulfilling , because they were selfish or they 'd affect someone else adversely , but then there were others , more heartfelt , that tugged at his empathy . Not all wishes could be granted , so he spent much of his time learning about each person he wanted to help . That was what everyone with wish magic did . Every day they heard the voices of the many races of the web and made their choices about which wishes they could grant . When Jason was a younger he had granted wishes that he probably shouldn 't have done , the way almost everyone with the ability had , because it was harder then to look at every wish dispassionately . All granted wishes were recorded , as were the effects , so he knew that none of the wishes had done any real damage to a person or timeline , as he could hear wishes from people who had lived hundreds of years before him . There were those who could also hear wishes from people in the future . That was why some said that they knew more about the web than the walkers did , but he wasn 't sure that was necessarily true . He would admit that they probably knew more about the people of the web than the walkers did . Each wish that was granted had an effect on the web and sometimes it wasn 't possible to know what sort of an effect it would be until it happened . Jason had seen some innocuous wishes that seemed as though they couldn 't have any major effect turning one of the worlds upside down , while there were those that could have changed the worlds and didn 't do anything much at all . No matter how much research they did there was no way to be totally sure what would happen , so all they could do was guess and hope for the best . There were rules about the wishes they could grant , but not everyone followed them , and there was no way to keep track of everyone with wish magic . Jason had first realised he had the ability when he was thirteen , which was the normal age for the races of Siaral to gain their power . He 'd thought it was likely because his mother had wish magic and it had missed his older sister . It was something she was glad of , as she 'd always wanted to be a unicorn breeder . If he 'd wanted to keep his ability to himself it would have been easy enough to lie , because his power didn 't show outwardly , and he didn 't have to do anything to grant wishes . Sighing , Jason told himself to stop thinking about the things he couldn 't change . When there were rules there were always going to be people who wanted to break them and people who were doing their best to stop those rules from being broken . He had always followed the rules they were given , knowing it was for the good of the web , even though there were times he could have broken them to help people who needed it . Vanessa looked at Paul . Their eyes met and she bit her lip . Time travelling wasn 't something anyone did without careful planning or the agreement of at least one of the officials in charge of controlling who went where . He was holding one of the stones in his hand , that she knew couldn 't be bought , so he must have gone through the official channels , but she was still unsure . " We 'll be there for two weeks and then we 'll come home . I know you 're on holiday , so it 's not as though it 's going to be a problem getting time off , and I really want to show you my favourite time period . " Paul reached out and touched her hand . " Please , Nessa . " Paul was saying the right words , but Vanessa had a feeling there was something he wasn 't telling her . They 'd known each other since childhood , even though they hadn 't always been friends , and there were times she knew him better than she knew herself . She was certain this was one of those times . In his eyes , behind the convincing smile , was another emotion . When Paul shook his head Vanessa knew he was lying to her , but there was no evidence . It was just her intuition telling her that she shouldn 't go with him , not right then , because he had another reason for travelling back in time . At the same time she couldn 't help thinking that she should go with him . He wouldn 't have asked her if he didn 't want her with him . Vanessa realised she was still chewing on her lip and told herself to stop , as she attempted to think things through . Paul had been with one of the secretive time travelling organisations for five years , since they had left school , and she couldn 't imagine him turning his back on them , but she knew he wasn 't always comfortable with what he was asked to do . They 'd never been able to talk about exactly what he did , because everything was confidential , and she couldn 't help feeling relieved . It was too easy to imagine what he may have been asked to do . " When one of the Nox Gadael disappears everyone else simply assumes that they 've been caught by the hunters , because that 's normal for us , " Monique said , her voice sad , " and there are too few of us for the memory wiping thing to work . " She tilted her head to one side , looking thoughtful . " Although it does seem as though there are more Nox Gadael than we believe there is , because there are packs here we never knew existed . " Zoe bit her lip , trying not to compare her easy life to that of the Nox Gadael . " It seems impossible , with the number of humans on Earth , that anyone I knew might end up here . " She shrugged . " I don 't know if I 'd want them to . " " That is understandable , considering what humans are forced to give up when they are brought here by the door . We see it as a positive change in our lives , because we would otherwise still be hunted , but for you … " Monique shook her head . " I wish we could affect the door in some way , to only bring those who need sanctuary to Taithmarin , but no one understands the magic that was used to create it . " " I don 't regret what happened , but it took me some time to get to understand that . I had no real aim in life if I stop and really think about what I was doing , although I was happy being aimless . Now I 'm here I realise that there was so much more I could be doing with my time and I plan on making the most of being here . " Zoe smiled , even though she still felt a little sad about who she had left behind . " Making friends was always something I was good at , so the only thing I need to work on is getting used to the calendar here , and then I can get a job . " " I liked Joel . " Zoe hadn 't wanted to like him , but it had been impossible not to . " He wants to meet up once he 's done with his latest new arrival so he can see how I 'm getting on . " " Exactly . It doesn 't happen as much with the older Gadael , who have travelled here from our old world , but a few have chosen to live with other races . " Monique gave Zoe that look that made her think the Gadael was smiling . " There are even some Nox Gadael living with the Alati Felis . " At first all Astrid could do was stare around the room she had found herself in , unable to believe what she was seeing . When she had walked out of the cave she shared with her pack she had never expected to step onto another world and end up … She turned to look at Nerys . " Yes , you have . " Nerys stepped forward and touched her nose to Astrid 's . " It 's going to be fine , but getting to know this place is going to get time . That 's why I 'm here . " Breathing deeply at the reminder , Astrid shook her head . " We believe she was caught by hunters during her patrol , but we don 't know for sure . She just disappeared , so we held a memorial service for her , and … " She sighed . " Of course now there 's the possibility she might be alive here , but I doubt it . " " I 'll ask around . There have been a lot of new arrivals recently . I was the last guide without an arrival to help , so we 're hoping that there isn 't another one for at least two weeks . " " Occasionally it happens . We don 't know why , but we do our best to help every new Nox Gadael arrival . If there is another new arrival then you may find them staying here . " Nerys shook her head . " That doesn 't mean your mum is here , but I hope she is . " Astrid shrugged . " I don 't know if I want her to be or not . I haven 't had time to mourn her , but to me she was gone for good . " " We never knew all the packs , " Nerys explained , sitting opposite Astrid . " In Little Hill we have three of the local packs and then there are Gadael packs from all over the world . " Nerys shook her head . " Until I came here I didn 't have any idea how many Gadael there really were on our old world , but there were more than we thought there were . " Nerys nodded . " I 'm glad , though . Meeting so many Gadael here had been wonderful , Astrid , and now you 're here I don 't have anyone else to worry about . " Their eyes met . " I think you 're going to be happy here . " " All arrivals are planned for . " Nerys stood . " There is a connection between the door that brought you here and a record book that is kept in Little Hill 's council building . Every town has a record book , watched over by someone at all hours of the day , so they can let the guides know about the new arrivals . With some arrivals we have more warning that others and we were told about your arrival yesterday . " As Nerys walked down the corridor Astrid followed her . It was the only thing she could do . She would never be able to get home , not that she wanted to return to a life of fear , and she didn 't know anything about Little Hill or Taithmarin . Having a guide , who was also a friend , was something she was grateful for , so even if it hadn 't been the only thing she could do it would have been her choice . " Taithmarin , from what I know , is a world that was created purely with magic , so it is a little unusual , " Nerys explained . " The door has chosen a number of different races to bring here , but with some races no one is entirely sure why . Many people have theories that we can never prove , because we can 't ask the door or the race who created it , as we believe they 're extinct . I 'm glad it chose the Nox Gadael . It 's keeping our race from extinction . " They stopped in front of a door . " This is going to be your home for the next two years , Astrid . " She pressed her paw against the door and it swung open slowly . " I hope you like it . " The Nox Gadael all nodded . " We had the same problem , " Isen said . " Our old world had a much shorter day too and getting used to the thirty - six hour day took more time than I think any of us expected it to . " " Monique was the first of our pack to arrive on Taithmarin , then Gerald found a door , and finally I appeared about six months after Gerald . " Isen sat on his haunches . " On our world it was six months . Here it was … " He looked at Monique and Gerald . " About eighteen months , I think . " " And three years after I first arrived , " Monique continued . " None of us are exactly sure why , because logically it should have been fewer months for us that it was for Isen , but no one here understands the way the door works . " She sighed , her tail no longer moving . " We wish we did , because we 're hoping that more members of our pack may arrive soon . " The three Nox Gadael shared a look . " We don 't know , " Monique replied , looking back at Zoe . " When Isen arrived here there were still six members of our pack alive , but they may all be dead by now . " Monique 's expression made Zoe think of someone biting their lip as they were thinking about what they should say . " On our old world , " she continued , " we are hunted for our magic . " " That 's … " Zoe trailed off as she tried to find the right words . " I can 't imagine what that must have been like for you . " Part of her wanted to gather all three Nox Gadael in her arms and give them a hug . " I hope that the rest of your pack do make it to Taithmarin . " " Thank you . " Monique wagged her tail a couple of times . " Taithmarin has been good for us and getting to know other magical races , who don 't want to hunt us , has been wonderful . Although a lot of humans have a problem with talking dogs we have also made some very good human friends here . " Their eyes met . " What did you have to leave behind ? " Zoe thought about the question , trying to find the right answer , but there was no right answer . " My family are all still on Earth , but I stepped through the door with a man I thought I still loved , and coming here has left the naive girl I once was back there . " She ran a hand through her hair . " I haven 't worked out if I miss her yet . I miss my family , because I know I 'll never see them again , but I 'm glad they will never know that I 'm gone . " Wrapping her arms around herself Mira kept walking . As long as she focused on putting one foot in front of the other she would be fine . Part of her wanted to turn around and go back through the door , no matter what the outcome was going to be , but it was her mother , her Queen , who had told her to go . Those were orders she couldn 't ignore . Another tear trickled down her cheek . She didn 't bother to wipe it away . It was hard to believe she was never going to see her mother again , or the rest of her family , and she would never get a chance to say goodbye . Mira couldn 't stop herself from turning to look for the door . When she realised it wasn 't there she wasn 't sure how she 'd felt . In a way she was grateful , because it meant she couldn 't go back , but at the same time she felt anger welling up inside her . All of her choices had been taken away by someone who had just destroyed her family and there was nothing she could do about it . Finally , once she had pushed away as much of the anger as she could , she started walking again , keeping her back to where the door had been . The walkers Mira had talked to had told her about ' demons ' . That was how she knew what she was . Her mother had kept that from her and when Mira has asked why the answer had been one she should have known to expect : having the ability to walk through doors without any tattoos didn 't make her a bad person . Some people with the same ability had done things that walkers didn 't like , which was the reason they were called ' demons ' , but that didn 't make her a ' demon ' . While she walked she kept those words in her mind , because she was almost certain that the people who had appeared in her home were ' demons ' . By the time Mira got to an edge of the forest the sun was beginning to rise , but her lack of knowledge meant she had no idea if sunrise on her new world was the same as it was on Raenarin . She looked around , hoping for a path to guide her , and found nothing . Sighing , she kept walking in what she hoped was a straight line . There had to be something somewhere , because all of the other worlds were inhabited , so all she had to do was keep going until she found it . To keep herself occupied she thought about what she was going to do if she didn 't find a town before nightfall . Food was the first thing on the list , because she was beginning to feel hungry . If she had been on Raenarin she would have been able to feed herself with berries and roots , but she wasn 't , so she had no idea what was edible and what would poison her . She was happy she was beginning to warm up , thanks to the sun , even though being warm wasn 't going to keep her alive . Being the last remaining member of her family , who should be the witch Queen of Raenarin , so she was determined to survive . This entry is part 19 of 66 in the The World Walkers collectionThey 'd been together for as long as Liadan could remember . Most days she wished she could have chosen her own mate , but finding a bond mate early seemed the safest thing to do , as there were stories of magic users who had died due to their inability to find someone to bond with . Often it was the parents of daughters , like hers , who went searching for another child , usually a year or two older , to bond their child to , to keep her safe from any harm . It was understandable , even though it was frustrating , and something she didn 't think would ever change . When choosing a mate gender didn 't matter . Nothing really mattered to the parents of newborns , and Liadan had seen it with her own eyes , apart from making sure their child had a mate . It didn 't really make a lot of sense , because his or her mate were always going to be more important to the child than anyone else , so she thought taking more time to find the right mate made more sense . Getting away from your mate was almost impossible , which meant being mated to someone who could also be a friend was essential , especially as having other friends could be difficult . Mates who didn 't get on were easy to distinguish and it seemed like there were more of those than mates who were friends . Sighing , Liadan tapped her fingers on the table . Idris had always been a good friend and he 'd told her he wanted more , but she knew she would never fall in love with him . She just didn 't want to tell him that . Being with someone else was never going to be an option , even if she travelled to one of the other worlds , because there would always be at least three people in the relationship . Under normal circumstances she knew it wouldn 't be a problem , but she had to think of Idris and she knew that it would hurt him if she chose someone else . There was a part of her , a part she ignored most of the time , that told her to break the bond and run . Breaking the bond would kill both of them , eventually , and she hated herself whenever she found herself thinking seriously about doing it . It was just hard , knowing she didn 't have any real choices . Liadan couldn 't remember what it had been like on the day she had been bonded to Idris , although she knew the ceremony because she had been going to them ever since she was old enough to walk . Hers had been four days after her birth , and Idris had a few blurry memories , as he 'd only been eighteen moons old . She knew that she was bonded to him from a young age , but she didn 't really understand what that meant until she was older . During their early years together they 'd often accidentally ended up in the other 's mind , which had been strange enough , and once they had learnt how to control it they had agreed it was something they would only do in emergencies . Of course that didn 't stop the accidents from happening at night , because then neither of them was totally in control . It was late when Panthea arrived back on Kniroch , well past the time the moon set , and she was tired , but there were still things she needed to do . Yawning , she switched her bag to the other shoulder . Nothing in it was particularly heavy , thankfully , just uncomfortable if it settled wrongly , as it had done during the journey back from Labyrinth . She glanced backwards , thinking about her bed , before forcing herself to walk towards the centre of town , where she 'd meet her current employer to give him the things he 'd asked for . Being able to travel to all five worlds was both a blessing and a curse , especially when all she wanted to do was sleep . The walk was normally short , because Panthea had chosen her home and crossing point specifically to make the journey as easy as possible . That night it felt like she had to travel a hundred miles , which was , unfortunately , a feeling she was getting used to . Finally , when she stepped into the tavern she had agreed to meet him in , all she could think about was the journey she had back , and how much she wished right then that she had chosen a different job . He was sat in the same corner he had been when they first met , so she headed over to him , the items in her bag moving into another uncomfortable position . Their eyes met for a moment before Panthea looked down at the table . There had been people she 'd worked for that she really hadn 't liked , but he was … If she hadn 't been right in front of him , knowing that he held the money she 'd worked for , she would have walked away . On their first meeting he had been impatient , wanting her to go to Labyrinth right at that moment , and had refused to give her a name . However there were plenty of things she was happy to ignore if it meant she earned enough money to feed herself for a week . There had been times when Panthea had thought seriously about taking a deposit , because she had ended up out of pocket due to someone being unable to pay her . She had always taken whatever she had to the auction , but often it didn 't cover her expenses , and then she had to live off what she could hunt , which wasn 't much fun . When he stared at her , his eyebrow raised , she couldn 't help thinking he was another one . At least until he took a coin purse out from somewhere , probably a well hidden pocket . With one hand he counted out six coins , keeping his eyes on hers . Crystal jars surrounded Elodie . Each one contained a soul that needed to be recorded . It was a strange job , but she grateful for it , because it meant she was unlikely to end up in one of the jars until it was truly the end of her first life . Many of the souls , and she didn 't want to know exactly how many , had died before their time as a part of Caoimhe 's experiments . People who asked too many questions , especially in the hearing of Caiomhe 's right hand man Ruarc , usually disappeared , and Elodie wouldn 't have been surprised if she was told that some of the souls she had recorded had belonged to those who had disappeared . As she picked up another jar , this one holding a blue soul , Elodie sighed . Her choice had been made long before she even really knew what it was she was making a choice about . If she hadn 't of overheard a conversation between Ruarc and one of the gatherers she never would have known the truth . There were other recorders who were ignorant of how some of the souls were collected , but she would never know for certain who actually knew and who was just keeping their mouth shut the same way she was . The blue soul belonged to a boy of nine . Elodie bit the end of her quill before writing down the information . In his old life he 'd had magic , but he wasn 't old enough to know his abilities . He did know his family 's , so she noted that down , pretty certain that the family 's abilities had been hereditary . Before him she 'd recorded his two older sisters , one of whom was old enough to have had her abilities manifest , his mother and his father , so she knew that they 'd all had the same abilities . Part of Caiomhe 's experiment was about seeing if magic was something a soul would take with it to another body or if the body holding the soul would manifest new abilities . Elodie knew the souls of the boy and his family would be in the recording centre again , she just didn 't know when . It was unlikely she 'd see them again , but someone would , and their second life would be recorded below their first life by someone else sitting in her seat . Before her there had been a recorder writing about the lives of souls who were coming through the centre again , so she had no doubt there would be one after her , although she had heard rumours about someone wanting to put an end to Caiomhe 's experiments . When Elodie looked at the soul one last time she was torn . The soul in the jar might have died naturally and using it again in another body was putting it to good use , or it might not have and then … She ran a hand through her hair . Maybe it was better for the experiments to end , even though the souls might just end up floating around uselessly , because she couldn 't understand how anyone could kill a little boy for any experiment . It was three days after Astrid 's mother died that she walked her normal patrol route and found herself somewhere she 'd never been before . For a few seconds she stood utterly still , allowing her nose to take in the scents of where she was . With her eyes closed she named each scent as she recognised them , until she got to the one thing she hadn 't been expecting : the scent of other Nox Gadael . She opened her eyes , remembering the stories she 'd heard of Gadael who were believed dead because they had just disappeared one day , and knew that she had found them . They weren 't dead , any more than she was , but she would become another one of those stories , and she was grateful she had no family at home to worry about her . When Astrid heard the sound of paws she sat down , wrapped her tail around her left hip , and waited . There was a part of her , the part that was always on alert , that screamed at her to run , but from the scent she knew it was a female Nox Gadael , which meant that she might get some answers to the questions she had . She had never before had any reason to be afraid of her own kind . It was the hunters that she needed to run away from , but she couldn 't smell a hunter , so she ignored the voice as much as possible . The walker slowed as she got closer to where Astrid was waiting . It told her that there had been Gadael who hadn 't taken their unexpected journey well , but she wasn 't going to be one of them . There was something strangely calming about knowing she was no longer at home , knowing that there were hunters who wanted parts of her because she had magic , even though she didn 't know for sure that the new place was going to be safe . Astrid stared at Nerys . " How can there be that many Nox Gadael here ? I heard that there were disappearances , but I can 't believe that we lost that many Gadael and there were only rumours . " Mira stepped through the door , knowing that she had no other choice . A single tear trickled down her cheek . Being a ' demon ' was both a blessing and a curse right at the moment . It meant she was safe from … she didn 't know exactly who it was , but she knew that her entire family was dead because of someone , as she 'd could leave Raenarin behind . At the same time being alive when they were all gone was more painful than anything that had happened before . For the first time in her life she was entirely alone , on a world she didn 't know , and all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry . The web was created by the fae to collect magic from the worlds they had created and , as the world in the centre of the web , the plan was for Athare to have the most magic . However they didn 't know until almost a century after the last world was created if it was actually working or if the whole plan had just been a waste of both time and magic , which would lead to the fae having to flee to yet another new world . This lack of knowledge didn 't stop most of them from using magic as they would have done on their old home world , even though the World Walkers Council attempted to teach them how to live without magic . It later became used as the walkers route through the worlds . Often walkers will learn about a strand of worlds in order to make their journeys through the web easier , otherwise they would have to use temporary tattoos in order to travel through one world to get to another . There are walkers who simply make their choices based on which worlds they would most like to visit and have no problem with the temporary tattoos . Occasionally temporary doors are created , normally if the world the walker has to travel through is dangerous in some way , but these never last longer than an hour . If a temporary door is created then it 's always watched closely by a walker until it fades away . The only other time a temporary door is created is if there is a door malfunction . Normally they 're easy to solve , but as the doors get older there are more malfunctions . The ' demons ' have more choices as to the route they take , because of the way the magic of the worlds work . Taithmarin has no connections to any of the worlds the fae created , because it wanted nothing to do with the fae , but still allows Athare to occasionally draw off any excess magic for use by the races who have to use magic from the core of the world . It views Athare as its mother and the fae as its father . The magic it gathers can also be used by the worlds surrounding it on the web , who it views as siblings , but this rarely happens . Gaelom , however , has more connections than the walkers know about , that can only be used by ' demons ' . If either the fae or the walkers had tried to utilise the doors there is every chance that they would have moved . Riordan never thought that their elder would arrive back from the meeting to say that Queen Mab was seriously thinking about allowing them to create new worlds . It was something their family had talked about before , along with a couple of other families , but it was something they thought they would have to work on in secret , at least until Mab was replaced . Everyone he talked to wanted it to happen sooner rather than later , because she had made mistakes that couldn 't be forgiven . He thought differently . Forgiving his Queen wasn 't something he thought he was going to be able to do , as he 'd lost too many people he 'd cared about , but he didn 't think they should push her out of her position without giving her a chance to repair the damage she had done . Shaking his head , Riordan told himself to focus on what he was meant to be doing . Even if Mab said no to their plan they were going to make a start on what needed to be done . Most of the older fae had … he sighed , running a hand through his hair . As the magic of their home had faded into nothing so had many of the people he 'd looked up to . They needed to make sure that it would never happen again . Unfortunately , no one knew quite why it had happened . It was obviously because of the fae , as they had been the only race on their old world , but they didn 't have enough information on what exactly had caused the problem . There were many who thought , still , that it had just been bad luck . It could have happened to anyone . Riordan didn 't agree . When Willow left , taking her fae with her , there had been a time when it seemed as though things were getting better . Mab thought that she 'd made the right decision and the elders agreed with her , because none of them believed that they really were using up the magic they relied on . Once it failed again it happened faster than before , killing hundreds before they could even think about what to do next , but by the next day everyone who survived was on Athare . Now it was just a case of making sure the magic of Athare didn 't fail . Riordan agreed that their only option was to create new worlds with new races , because they could replace the magic that they had used , as there wasn 't time to work anything else out . If he 'd had a choice he would have studied the magic and found out why the magic had failed in the first place , before making any decisions . There was every chance that creating the new worlds , using Athare 's limited well of magic , could just destroy Athare , instead of working the way the fae needed it to . Tapping his finger on the table , Riordan thought of who was going to be asked to work as world creators . He knew , without any doubt , that he would be one of them . It was his experiment they were basing the whole idea on , after he 'd created a small town , with the help of one of his close friends , in a box . Now they wanted to create whole worlds and he didn 't know if it could work . Part of him wanted it to work , but there was a tiny voice in the back of his mind telling him that the whole thing was wrong . This entry is part 7 of 47 in the The World Walkers collectionIt was the sensation of eyes on her that woke Lexi up , and a warm arm wrapped around her waist . When she 'd gone to sleep she 'd expected to wake up alone in her own bed , the same way she had every other night she 'd visited him . Her first feeling was utter terror as she rolled over to look at Ragnar . Using his free hand he brushed some hair off her face before leaning down to kiss her . Shaking her head she pulled away , not wanting him to kiss her until she had some idea what was going on , if at all . " I made sure that you 'll never leave my side again . " Softly he pressed a kiss on Lexi 's cheek . " When I first saw you I knew that you were the one for me and I planned on keeping you from the beginning . It just took me some time to make the potion . " Lexi ran a hand through her hair , trying to think . " My family 's going to be worried about me . I disappeared from my bed in the middle of the night and that 's not normal . " " There 's nothing I can do about that . " Ragnar shrugged . " I can 't send you home because the potion is irreversible and I have no idea what world you came from . Working with dreams the way I do can be a little nebulous . " " I 'm from Earth . " Lexi stared at the wall beside his head , trying to calm herself down , but it really wasn 't working . " Is there any way I can send a message to my family to let them know I 'm safe ? " " Not that I know of . " Ragnar tightened his arm around her waist , pulling her flush against his body . " I don 't see why it matters . We 're together now , permanently . " " That was why I didn 't ask . No isn 't an answer I would have accepted from you , because you belong with me . " Ragnar smiled . " One day you 'll thank me for this . " " Some dreamwalkers think that what I did is immoral . They wouldn 't bring someone through from another world unless the other person asked them to and even then they wouldn 't definitely agree to it . The rest would have done the same thing I did . I know a couple of dreamwalkers who brought their soulmate through from another world . " " I know you 're my soulmate . If you weren 't the potion wouldn 't have worked and you 'd have gone back to your world last night . This is where you 're meant to be . " Silence followed the sounds of battle . For a moment Clio stopped , thinking of those who had lost their lives , but she didn 't have time to grieve for the people she 'd become close to . She had to keep moving . That was what she had always been told to do if something happened . It was possible they would kill her , because of who she was , or they might keep her , and she couldn 't work out which was worse . Both were … she shook her head , her hand pressed against the wall as she tried to figure out where she would be safest . Nowhere was the first answer she thought of , but that was pessimism talking . Written forLJ user ysabetwordsmith 's prompt : How and when is New Year celebrated in this collection ? Are all the worlds ' in synch ' timewise or are they on different cycles ? The story was meant to answer the question , and I think it did in some small way , but it ended up being more about Archer than the new year . There were the walkers . Every one of them went through years of training and tests before they were permitted to get any of the tattoos that would allow them to travel to another world . It was very rare that any walker chose to travel to all of the worlds that they could . There were merchants . Often a family business , the merchants travelled to different worlds to buy and sell items , once they were verified as being legitimate by the walker 's council and registered . Both had rules . Then there were the demons . Demon wasn 't the descriptive phrase Archer would have picked , but he understood why they had been given the name . No one knew exactly how many demons there were , who they were , or where they went , and that made the walkers scared . Archer didn 't know how many demons there were . All he knew was that he 'd been born with the ability to walk through the doorways leading to other worlds without the tattoos that everyone else needed . Some did use it to do things the walkers really didn 't like - like getting involved in situations that the walkers would have just watched , instead of breaking their first commandment . He never had , but that didn 't change the way everyone would view him if they found out what he was . That was why he was always careful . Most of the doorways had been mapped by the walkers , but there were still some hidden that the demons could use . There was one in a clearing that Archer used at least twice a year to visit his family in Gaelom . That had been the first doorway he 'd ever walked through , accidentally because he 'd had no idea he was a demon , and he 'd found himself on Athare , the home of the walkers . He 'd gone straight back through , terrified that someone might have seen him , because he 'd never studied the doors before . After taking a couple of lessons he 'd told his father . It was due to his father that Archer was living on Athare alone and did only travel back to Gaelom . Tattoos were expensive , so he 'd never expected to get one , and then his eighteenth birthday present had been a one way tattoo to Athare . Every year he went back to celebrate new year with his family , which was on a different day to Athare 's new year , but he never took anything back with him because he couldn 't afford another tattoo . To keep himself safe he bought anything he wanted from Gaelom off the merchants , just in case someone noticed . He couldn 't take anything to Gaelom either . Sighing , once again wishing he could take gifts to his family , Archer stepped through the doorway . Gaelom was a very different place to Athare and smelt of magics that no one on Athare used . People knew Gaelom as the weapons world , because it was where almost all the weapons , and wielders of those weapons , came from , but that was just one small part of his home . Feeling comfortable for the first time in moons he walked in the opposite direction to the town centre , because that was where the majority of people would be , going straight to the home he wished he hadn 't left . |
Friday night I went to see Bloc Party play at the Hard Rock . I met one of my friends beforehand so that we could drive over together . I pulled into the parking lot where we were meeting just as she was heading to her car . As soon as I got out she said " You really need to get a new car . You 're never going to get girls driving that thing . " She has a point . At the very least I need to get some new hubcaps on the front tires since they 've been missing for about a year . We got there just a few minutes before the opening band ( The Go ! Team ) came on stage . I had never heard them before , but they were pretty good live . I 'm probably not going to run out and buy their album anytime soon ( I have way too much other music that I want first ) but if someone wants to burn me a copy I 'd certainly take it . My friend and I had to laugh because one of the guitar players looked a LOT like one of the professors in our department . Who knew that she could jam like that ? We pointed this out another friend that was there , and I think it ruined the show a little bit for him . He 's taking a class from her right now , and doesn 't have a high opinion of her to say the least . By the time Bloc Party took the stage there was actually some energy in the room . A typical concert in Vegas ( at least from my experience ) has a slight buzz from the people who are there to see the show and are getting excited , and a more prominent buzz from those who are there to be seen and / or because it 's something to do and spend the whole time talking on their cell phones . In fact , this show probably had the most energy I 've seen at a concert in Vegas since I saw Pearl Jam play at the MGM Grand a few years ago . One guy in front of us started stretching out before the band took the stage . We 're not talking just raising your arms in the air to stretch , but actually pulling his legs up behind him to stretch out his legs , leaning from side to side with his arms outstretched , etc . He was going to do some dancing ! We 'll call him Mr . Stretchmeister . His ears must be better than Posted by A friend of mine is getting ready to graduate , and his parents were in town the other day for his dissertation defense . After he defended , everyone went out to celebrate . At one point his mom handed her empty wine glass to his dad to get it refilled . She looked at me and said , " It 's a French thing , a woman should never pour her own wine . Remember that the next time you 're on a date . You 'll really impress the girl . " Me : " First of all , I need to worry about actually getting a date , but thanks for the tip . " Her : " Come on . Look around at all the women here in Vegas , and you 're saying you can 't find one to go out with ? " My friend : " Oh , he 's probably looked at all the women in Vegas , but that 's about it . " Another friend : " That 's the problem with a lot of the women in Vegas . They 're good to look at , but forget about striking up a meaningful conversation or anything . " That may be stereotypical , but it was funny . The truth is , I probably could find someone to go out with if I was a bit more active in searching someone out . Maybe someday I actually will be , but that 's not really my style . I normally like to get to know someone first , then if it develops into something more that 's great . For now I 'm just trying to stay content by doing my thing and hanging out with my friends . However , I may have to re - evaluate that strategy once they all graduate and move away . I was walking across campus and I ran into a friend of mine . She didn 't look as if she was in a good mood , and I commented on that . She said that she was feeling " very pre - menstrual . " We talked for a little while , then when we went our separate ways I told her to cheer up . " I will , just as soon as the old egg drops down and I get the blood flow started . " Perhaps that was a little too much information Sometimes I have dark thoughts . I 've always thought that I was born with a criminal mind because I 'm always thinking about how I can get away with things if I were to try them . I actually think that I 'm smart enough that I could pull anything off once , but I 'd feel too guilty about it afterwards and would probably end up turning myself in . Stupid conscience . Anyway , as an example I had a dream last night about my ex - wife 's brother . In the dream we all found out he was into organized crime . He 'd performed a hit and had disposed of the body after cutting off it 's head and hands so that it couldn 't be identified if found ( a la The Sopranos ) . Unfortunately for him in my dream , one of his bosses had told him to ditch the hands at a gas station , but he didn 't bury them very well so they ended up being found , and while they didn 't have a body to go along with it , he had somehow left his fingerprints on the hand so they were able to trace it back to him . He was very worried about his family and how they were going to get by while he was in jail . I found myself trying to come up with a way to help him beat the charges . I think we could have done it , but I woke up . I like my ex - brother - in - law , but if that situation had come up in real life , he could go rot . I watched the movie Tombstone yesterday . I hadn 't seen it in quite some time , but I have to say it 's one of my favorite westerns . I originally saw it when I was in high school and it was in the theater . A group of us went to the movie theater without really knowing what was playing . A few of us ended up going to see Tombstone while flieswithoutwings and shootingstar went to see Mrs . Doubtfire instead . After the movies were over we all met back up in the lobby , and we went on and on about how good the movie we had just seen was . We kept rubbing it in to flieswithoutwings that he 'd gone to see such a lame movie just because his girlfriend wanted to . In fact , I think we rubbed that in for several months after the fact . It 's funny that I still remember stuff like this . I 'd love to be as witty and cool under fire as Val Kilmer 's portrayal of Doc Holladay ( but that 's probably just because I 'm a wimp and not very witty ) . I love the scene where one of the Cowboys is trying to intimidate him by twirling a gun around his finger , and gets fancier and fancier with it before he finally puts it into his holster , then Doc imitates the same thing with his recently emptied glass . Another one of my favorite lines is when there 's about to be a gunfight in the street , and Doc comes out and draws his pistol . One of the cowboys sneers " You 're so drunk , you 're probably seeing two of me . " Doc draws a second pistol and replies " In that case , I 've got two guns . One for each of ya ' . " And of course , who could forget " I 'll be your huckleberry . " Until I get some wit and toughness , I 'll just have to keep living vicariously through the movies I watch . I 'll have to make sure that there aren 't any chick flicks in the future for me . I was hanging out with a group of friends the other night . I ended up staying out a bit later than I had planned , so eventually one of my friends and I decided to order some food . Just as it arrived another friend blew his nose into a napkin and looked into it to see what damage he had done . Friend # 1 : " You couldn 't have done that before I ate . " Friend # 2 : " I did . You hadn 't taken a bite yet . Besides , you 're still eating now , so what does it matter . " Friend # 1 : " It 's gross . Even worse , you looked into the napkin afterwards . You probably look in the toilet after you go to the bathroom too , huh ? " Friend # 2 : " Oh and you don 't ? There 's a certain manly feeling you get when you look down and see that it 's big enough to have to flush twice . " Friend # 3 : " That reminds me of jail . It 's called a courtesy flush . " You know that anybody who can start a sentence with ' that reminds me of jail ' has lived an interesting life and is going to have some stories to tell . This morning I was watching a soccer game with my roommate when a commercial came on for the new VW Jetta . I commented that it was a good looking car , and he said " tell me about it , and it 's got the same engine as my Audi . I found that out after I bought it . It would have probably saved me a substantial amount of money , but then again , everyone 's driving a VW these days . " I have another friend who maintains that any guy who drives a VW is gay . This came up the other day while I was riding with him and we pulled up next to two guys in a VW Cabrio at a stoplight . While I don 't necessarily agree with him on that ( although a case could be made for guys who drive VW Bugs , Mazda Miatas and Mini Coopers ) , I have held to the notion that the Jetta is a ' hot chick car ' for a long time . If you see one on the road and look at who is driving it , more often that not it 'll be a good looking girl ( note : this is based strictly on anecdotal evidence ) . When I told all this to my roommate , he agreed and was reassured in his choice of vehicle ( ok , so I don 't know about the reassurance part , but he did agree with me on the ' hot chick ' part ) . I wonder if this stereotype seems to be more prevalent than just within my circle of friends . I do know a few straight men who drive VWs . They have all been accused of being gay at some point , sometimes by people who don 't even know what they drive . One of my old neighbors was one such example . He was in law school while I was working on my bachelor 's degree . He drove a black Jetta , knew a lot about food and decorating , and even had a rather effeminite voice . People were always joking with him about that , asking " Are you sure you 're not gay ? " any time he commented about something in those areas . For the record , he wasn 't . ( as an aside , his wife drove a Kia Sportage . It was a good car for a college student , especially one with a family ( they had two kids ) . There were enough seatbelts , it was easy to load kids into , plus it had four wheel drive for driving in winter . However , just the fact that a vehicPosted by I was walking across campus with a friend when we saw two girls walking toward us . We couldn 't see any distinguishing characters because they were about a block away from us , but I looked at my friend and said , " I bet the girl in the red is cuter than the girl in gray . " He replied , " I bet you 're wrong . I think the girl in the gray is cuter . " As they started to get closer I began wondering if I 'd made the wrong call . " On second thought , maybe you 're right . Maybe the girl in gray is cuter . I guess we 'll find out . " We finally got close enough to see them , and as they passed by us my friend turned to me and said " Or they could just be identical twins . " What are the odds of that ? Today I was going to the store with a friend to buy some maps ( easy , it wasn 't as exciting as it sounds ) . As we were walking to his vehicle , we came up behind a guy who was pushing a stroller and walking with a little girl . As we gained on him he turned around and asked " Do you guys work here ? " We said yes . " You should put in a yield sign or something here . There are a lot of little kids that go to the elementary school over there , but cars come zipping through here all the time without paying attention . " ( you know , because we look like we would have a say as to where yield signs should and should not be on campus ) He went on for a while about how nobody in this town ever pays attention to pedestrians ( true , but I think it 's probably true for just about any town in the west ) . Ironically , just as he was saying this we approached a crosswalk while a university police car came by . It didn 't stop to let us cross . He said , " See , even the police don 't stop . But they 're usually pretty good when it comes to writing parking tickets . Of course , that 's where their paycheck comes from . There 's probably a sale on donuts and coffee over there at Vons though , so he can 't be bothered with slowing down . " We laughed . He continued , " It 's pretty sad that people don 't pay any mind to pedestrians . Hell , I 've been hit so many times . And I have a big van too . I could drive around town and run over people all day if I wanted to , I just prefer to walk . " I , for one , am thankful for that . Today as I was walking to grab a bite to eat I saw a woman pulling a stroller out of the trunk of her car . Since I grew up in Utah , this is not an uncommon thing to see . What was uncommon , was that after she unfolded the stroller , she put her poodle in it and started pushing . It got me thinking about how ridiculous some people are when it comes to their pets . Here are a few more examples : A few months ago I saw a woman I work with , and she did not look happy . I asked her if there was anything wrong and she told me that her cat had died a week prior . I can understand being attached to a pet that you 've had around for a while , but it shouldn 't affect your ability to function in your daily life . She burst into tears just telling me about it , and said " My friends all tell me to get over it , that it was just a cat , but cats are better than friends . People will always let you down , but not cats , they 're always there for you . " It was all I could do to keep from rolling my eyes and saying " Get over it , it was just a cat . " Another guy I know had a dog that should have been put down long before it actually died . He was 14 years old ( the dog , not the guy ) and had lost the use of his back legs . When he would take him out for walks , the dog would often fall over on its side and start peeing all over himself and anyone else who got in the way . At that point , it 's more cruel to keep the dog alive than it is to have it put down , and not doing so is an act of selfishness . When his dog died he couldn 't talk to anyone for about a week , even though he had to have seen it coming ( we all did ) . One girl I know just had to bring her dog in to the office every day because she couldn 't just leave it at her apartment . Nevermind the fact that her apartment was approximately 50 steps away from the front door to the office . I use the past tense here only because she would still be doing it if it weren 't for a campus wide ban on all animals that weren 't aiding the handicapped or police . This ban actually led to a professor in my department cancelPosted by I usually get together with a group of my friends to play basketball a couple of times a week . The locker rooms are fairly large , and have a couple of sets of double doors . To get to the men 's locker room , one has to walk a fair distance down the main hallway . The last set of doors to the women 's locker room is just a little bit before the first door to the men 's . I usually start thinking I 'm there until I see the sign that says women . I make this mistake every third or fourth time we play . The first time , the only thing that stopped me from going into the wrong room was that a girl came out right as I was about to open the door . She was cute too , so I thought it was too bad I hadn 't gotten there 10 minutes earlier . Actually , I have little desire to enter a women 's locker room . I know that 7th and 8th grade boys fantasize about that stuff all the time , but it 's probably something better left as a fantasy . I 'm pretty sure the girls aren 't all in there lathering each other up with soap and motioning with their finger for any men that happen to stumble through to come on over and join the fun ( wait , did I say too much ? ) . I was on the phone with my daughter about how their Easter was going . She told me that she got a bunch of candy and a new shirt in her basket . I told her that the Easter Bunny didn 't make it to my house so I wondered what happened . She said " He 's probably still mad at you because you killed one of his friends . " She was referring to a time when we were visiting my parents and had gone with them to visit my grandparents . I was driving their car on the way back when a rabbit ran out in front of the car and I ran it over . I didn 't feel too bad about it other than the fact that my kids thought it was gross ( after all , it happens all the time ) . A few months later I saw my parents ' car was missing a big chunk of plastic from the bottom part of the front bumper . I asked my mom what had happened there , and she said it was from when I hit the rabbit . Then I felt bad . Now I feel even worse , since the Easter Bunny is boycotting my house because of it . It 's almost Easter , and you know what that means . My thoughts have turned to all the candy that you can only get this time of year ( Cadbury mini - eggs are my favorite ) . What you may not know about is the controversy surrounding Peeps research . Scientists have performed a series of tests to investigate the tolerance of Peeps to such stressors as excess heat , cold , radiation and fear ( among others ) . As could be expected with research which has the potential to cause pain for the test subjects , there is fierce opposition . I for one think that it is fine to continue with this research program . Peeps are capable of doing their own research on the subject , and if they didn 't want it to continue , they would rise up and put an end to it themselves . There 's a sense of desperation coming from my students as the semester is coming to a close . Those who haven 't been doing well are starting to sense the finality of the situation , and are hoping to be able to come up with extra points . The bad part for them is that the only way to do that is to get perfect scores from here on out because there are no extra credit opportunities . The first bribe offer came a few weeks ago when a student of mine flashed me a wad of cash while he was taking a midterm . I didn 't see exactly how much , but it was more than $ 100 , and while he presented it as a joke , I think he would have given it to me if I had wanted to take it . Then the other night while I was teaching I had the following conversation with a student : Her : " Do you offer any chances for extra credit ? " Me : " No , sorry . " Her : " Why not ? " Me : " I don 't have the authority to do that , it 's up to the professor . " Her : " Well I think you should . I 'll hook you up with my sister if you do . " The other night I was talking to a girl who I used to talk to quite a bit , but kind of lost touch with over the past couple of months . At one point she thought I was mad at her , and got off the phone shortly after . I called her back a little while later to make sure she knew that I wasn 't mad . During the second conversation she told me that part of the reason why she hadn 't been calling me lately was because the last few times we talked I sounded irritated . When I asked for an example she didn 't give me one , but I can 't remember ever being irritated with her . A few months ago I was talking to a different friend of mine and she was making fun of me , and cracked some joke regarding a piece of paper she was holding . I laughed , and leaned over to look at the paper , but she thought I was pissed and said that I actually lunged at her . I told her that was ridiculous , but I don 't think I really convinced her of that . Now , I happen to know myself pretty well . In fact , I would argue that I know myself better than anybody else ( after all , I have spent the last 30 years with myself ) . I think that I 'm a fairly laid back person , and it really takes a lot to upset me ( unless I don 't like you ) . In fact , I can honestly say that there are only about 5 or 6 people in Vegas who have seen me pissed and I 've lived here for nearly four years ( and most of those times were when I was dealing with my ex - wife during our divorce ) . Maybe I strike an imposing figure ( doubtful ) , or maybe I just come across as a jerk even when I 'm not being one ( likely ) , but I don 't understand why people misinterpret my emotions at times . I think it usually happens when there 's something that would upset someone else , but doesn 't upset me . Still , I don 't like being misinterpreted . The irony is that when I was married my wife would do the same thing . She 'd tell me to stop getting mad , even though I wasn 't , but the accusation would actually make me mad and we 'd end up in a fight . Of course , she admitted later that it was usually because she was trying to manipulate mPosted by I was driving to visit my kids over the weekend when the thermostat on my car went out . Luckily , I was only about 10 miles from my brother 's house so I had a place to stay , and there was a mechanic who was able to replace it for me first thing in the morning and send me on my way . Normally I skip breakfast , but my brother wanted to grab a bite while we were running around trying to find someone who could fix the car . We stopped for breakfast at McDonald 's ( of all places ) . As we were waiting in line to order our extremely healthy food , one of the guys taking orders started getting on my nerves . Every time he would finish taking an order he would look up and say " I can help who ' sever next . " This isn 't the first time I 've heard this called out , and it annoys me every time I hear it . It 's called English people , learn to speak it ( granted , it was McDonald 's , but no , he wasn 't an immigrant ) . With Easter Sunday fast approaching I thought I 'd talk about something religious for a change . I don 't know how many of you have seen this already ( it 's been all over the news ) but an ancient text containing the Gospel of Judas has been translated . You can read up a little more on the page I 've linked to ( or do a google search ) , but the highlights are that Jesus supposedly taught Judas about mysteries of the universe , and that he supposedly asked Judas to be the one to betray him . According to one scholar ( whose name eludes me , and I 'm too lazy to look up again ) , this makes sense with the passage in the King James version of the bible where Jesus turns to Judas and says " that thou doest , do quickly . " Sounds like instructions to carry out some predetermined course of action , no ? I don 't know exactly what this means to modern religions ( if anything ) , but it is certainly an interesting view . We all know that there are two sides to every story , and in the case of the history contained in the Bible , there are twelve . Each of Jesus ' disciples recorded their version of events , but only some of those made it into the widely accepted King James version . These were decided by church authorities who stood all the scrolls up on their ends , left them over night , and came back the next morning to see which were still standing ( because that can only happen by divine intervention ) . My guess is that this " new " manuscript won 't have any effect on what people believe ( just like the Gospel of Thomas and the Gospel of Mary , which are still largely unknown ) , but it 's certainly interesting to think about . And the timing couldn 't have been better . I went to the store to buy my daughter a birthday present yesterday . In the interest of time ( and lack of motivation ) I went to one that was close to where I work , rather than waiting until I got home , so it was sort of in the middle of the ghetto . As such , it was a little more run down than what I 'm accustomed to , and full of poor people . Now , call me a snob if you wish , but I generally try to avoid places where there are a lot of poor people . It 's not that I have a lot of money , but I do have pride , so I care about my appearance . I actually take the time out of my busy schedule to shower every day . For whatever reason , poor people don 't seem to like to do that ( not enough money for soap ? ) , and as a result , places where poor people shop tend to have a ' poor people smell ' to them . By that , I generally mean the smell of urine , bad breath and / or B . O . That 's the reason I try to avoid such places . As I walked into the store yesterday I got a good whiff of ' poor people smell ' and found myself slightly annoyed that the item I was after was going to be clear at the back of the store . That meant I would have to endure the smell for at least that much longer than if my item had been at the front . Is it really too much to ask that a store automatically know what I 'm after and rotate so that the item I 'm after would always be just inside the door and next to the register by the time I come in from the parking lot ? I know that if it did it for everyone that would be utter chaos , so they just need to do it for me . That would certainly suffice . The other night I was talking to a friend . She had been sick all week , and was just starting to get over it . She made a comment about how I never seem to get sick , which is true . I rarely come down with anything worse than a cold ( knock on wood ) . Rather , I seem to end up having to go to the doctor about weird stuff , or more serious issues . Here are a few examples : Severed tendon in my index finger - a plastic surgeon was able to stitch it back together without too much scarring . Lymphangitis - the location of this was what scared me , even though it ended up not being a big deal . ( I 'll let you use your imagination , you 'll probably get it right ) . Back surgery - to remove a lobe of a bulging disk that was compressing my sciatic nerve . I couldn 't walk right for two months prior to the surgery , and it took nearly a year to recover . High amounts of calcium oxalate in my urine - they never did figure out where that was coming from . Even after seeing two specialists , but it most likely led to the next one . Kidney stones - at least that 's what they think it was . It 's the reason I had to go to the doctor a couple of weeks ago . All the tests came back negative , but the doctor thinks it 's because I got lucky and passed a very small one that didn 't hurt as bad as a normal one would . Still not something I 'd like to go through again , regardless of what it was . All things considered , I think I 'd take a cold or a flu over any of that . The other day we were eating lunch and got talking about games we used to play when we were kids . Remember how much fun it was to play red rover , capture the flag , kick the can , bloody murder , German flashlights , etc ? One of my friends ( who happens to be from Texas ) hadn 't heard of some of these . Somebody asked him " What games did you play growing up then ? Chain the black guy to a truck ? " ( obviously making fun of the racism that went on in Texas a few years ago , not condoning it ) . There was another game that came up that had something to do with trees . He also hadn 't heard of that one . He said " like we could have played that when we just had the one tree in town . " Someone else asked " Is that why they lynch people with trucks down there ? There aren 't enough trees to go around ? " I told you about the trip to Death Valley , and said that I learned a lot of stuff for my geology class along the way . There was another lesson I was taught , but am not quite so sure it will stick . I get it at least once a year , usually around this time . The lesson ? Feet need sunblock too . Trust me , this picture doesn 't do the sunburn justice . It 's painful just to bend my toes . One other thing I learned : If anybody ever tells you that the light blue Gatorade frost turns your pee green - it doesn 't . I tested it with no fewer than five bottles . There was definitely no green urine . This weekend I went on a field trip to Death Valley . It paled in comparison to last year when the wildflowers were all over the place , but I got to see more of the park this time ( and I certainly learned a lot of geology ) . We rode out in two vans , and made stops at places in the park which had features we had talked about in class . I started the trip in the van that the TA was driving because I knew I 'd get to ride shotgun , which is a big deal for someone as tall as me . It also happened to be the van with the most familiar faces in it ( and by that , I mean people I have actually spoken with this semester ) . We got through most of the morning just fine , but then my professor started to get dizzy and asked me to drive ( since I 'm the only grad student in the class I 'm the only one authorized to drive a university vehicle ) . He needed to stay in the ' lead ' van to tell me where to go , so the guy who was riding shotgun in his van had to go back and take my place . We kept this arrangement for the rest of the day . Why am I telling you all of this ? Because the guy I traded places with happens to be really annoying . He 's one of those guys who is constantly trying to impress people with how much he knows , even when it 's obvious that he doesn 't know what he 's talking about . After he went to bed that night a few of the people in his van approached me . " Are you going to ride in our van tomorrow ? We need to get back to the original teams . " " Do you guys want me to ride in your van ? " " Yes . Please ! " " Ok , I 'll tell him he has to trade me places again . " " Is that a promise ? Can we get you to shake on that ? " The next morning I talked to the TA about riding with him again , and he said " Yes , hurry and get your ass in my van . " Thus we got back to the ' original teams . ' About halfway through the day we all got out and started hiking up a hill so the professor could show us one of his points of interest . Some girls from the professor 's van came up to me and said " You have to come back to our van . Please ? We 'll give you money . " I didn 't , but the pleadinPosted by I went to a show last month where these guys opened . I have a new " celebrity " crush . A cute Asian girl with a New Zealander accent ? Sign me up ! The whole album is good , but this song is probably my favorite ( along with everyone else ) . Although , there 's something about it that makes me feel like I squandered my youth . About Me Native Minnow is a doctor , but not the important kind . He is divorced and has three children who live with his ex - wife . Random people take it upon themselves to inform him that he resembles a young Bill Clinton . He does . |
Introduction : This is a story about a girl who is born a hermaphrodite , and of her growing up different . This story has a little bit of sex , but it 's mostly plot and characters and all that stuff . Now you know . This was written as a serial on the xnxx forums site , and now the whole thing is here in one big piece for you . I hope you enjoy . Please comment and vote . Alexis Parts 1 - 5 ( Season 1 ) " Do you want to know the sex of the child ? " Dr . Salinzki asked as he placed the ultrasound 's transducer over Anne Williams ' belly . " Your baby should be developed enough by to be able to tell with the ultrasound . " " Okey - doke , " Dr . Salinzki said as the image of Anne 's uterus appeared on the screen . Salinzki studied it for a moment , and he frowned . " Um , Mrs . Williams ? I could be mistaken , but this ultrasound seems to show . . . something . . . " " What 's the problem , doc ? " Jeff said , as his wife gripped his hand harder . Jeff didn 't like to beat around the bush . " It appears to be that way . But the baby is still developing , so it might not come out that way . If you look here - " Salinzki pointed at the screen , " - you can see the penis , and here the testicular sac is forming , but it appears to be forming around a vaginal opening . Now , I don 't mean to worry you if I 'm wrong , so we 'll make some still images of this and send it to the lab , and next month we 'll do another ultrasound , and we may find out I 'm just going cross - eyed . " But Dr . Salinzki was not going cross - eyed , and the next month , when Anne and Jeff went back , the situation remained the same . The baby appeared to be forming a normal set of male genitals , but a vaginal opening still appeared on the sonogram . Mr . and Mrs . Williams had to be prepared for the possibility when the birth came around . " That 's one way of putting it , I suppose . And that , actually , is exactly what it looks like . Your baby is forming male genitals just fine , so the female genitals will not be fully formed when it 's born . So if you want to give your child the surgery , and I recommend it , you will be having a baby boy . " There was a problem , however . When the baby was born , it turns out both sets of genitals were fully formed , which is exceptionally rare . Not many people had ever seen such a thing . Anne and Jeff didn 't know what to do . It was easy enough to name the baby Alex - whether that would be short for Alexis or Alexander was something else - but what gender role should they give their baby ? Dr . Salinzki explained that the baby might grow up being torn between the two gender roles - perhaps wanting to play with Barbie dolls and GI Joes , or the baby might simply gravitate toward one sex or the other , which , if surgery was to be performed , would leave a 50 / 50 shot at getting it right . The alternative - not getting surgery and letting the baby grow and decide for itself - would lead to numerous complications in social life . Things as simple as what bathroom to use might lead to endless embarrassments on the part of the child . Besides , they couldn 't possibly refer to the baby as " it " instead of " he " or " she " . That is until , at the age of eleven , Alex started growing breasts . Alex 's voice never got deeper , and he never grew facial hair , or any other things that happen to boys when they hit puberty . Instead , Alex hit puberty like a girl - breasts , curves , the works ( except for a period of course , as she no longer had that organ ) . And as for fulfilling the masculine gender role : if Alex had been a girl , would she not have simply been labeled a tomboy ? So , for the first ten years of Alex 's life , her parents raised a boy . But faced with obviously feminine puberty , they realized their mistake . They took her to a doctor , who confirmed their fear . Eventually , they sat Alex down and explained the situation . Alex took it well , and understood her parents ' decision at her birth . She did not get mad at them , but she asked plenty of questions and did not stop until she was satisfied . She was curious , rather than outraged , to her parents ' relief . When they finished their conversation , which lasted hours , Alex went off to bed to think about what she had learned . In the morning , she told her parents that she wanted to be referred to as a girl from then on , and she wanted to go out and get a bra . She still liked to dress like a boy - plain shirts and jeans - but she began to shop in the girls ' section . She wore girl 's panties at first , too , but then decided they didn 't seem to fit right , and so stuck with boxers . She still hung out with the boys , because she was still a tomboy of sorts , but she started to grow her hair long . After talking with her school counselor and principal , she was allowed to switch to the girls ' bathroom . All of the students in her school knew now her full story , and she got two reactions . Some people were ok with it , and acted toward as if she were totally a girl , and others , like bullies and bratty girls , ostracized her for being different . She took it with pride , and never let it get to her . Her good friends defended her , and she got in trouble many times for fighting . She may have thought of herself as a girl , but she was not afraid to stand up for herself . By the age of twelve , bullies had already given up confronting her , but behind her back they called her names , Dicksy Chick being the most prevalent and punny . She knew , but she didn 't care . Everyone in the world could know she had a penis , and she wouldn 't care . She was used to it . She discovered that she was attracted to boys , and she was quickly budding into one of the cutest girls in the school . Boys were attracted to her , too , but they would never admit it , and try their damnedest not to show it , because while they might stick up for her against the bullies , it would be social suicide to be seen in that kind of a relationship with Alex . Gay was the word of the day , and liking a dude , no matter if that dude should have been a chick or not , might get you killed by the bullies . She wanted a boyfriend , but even she knew why they didn 't want her . It seemed like an impossible barrier to get over , but then one day she mustered up the courage to get her cute friend Matthew away from the crowd , and asked him point blank if he would go out with her . Before he could think of the consequences , he said yes , and regretted it a moment later . He , like most of the boys in the school , thought she was really cute and really cool , so in the moment she asked , it seemed like an obvious answer to say yes . Alex and Matthew both discovered quite quickly that somehow word had spread , and before they even had a date everyone knew that they were an item . But , to Matthew 's astonishment , everyone supported him , in public and in private . The bullies didn 't go after him , and no one called him gay . Someone once mentioned that he was " taking one for the team , " but no one laughed . The student body was ok with it . Someone else wasn 't . Mrs . Roberts , the history teacher , heard the whispers , and felt the need to tell the principal , who felt the need to call Alex 's and Matthew 's parents . Alex 's parents were thrilled that Alex was going to have a normal relationship . Matthew 's father was not so understanding . Matthew 's father beat him to a bloody pulp , told him he was a good - for - nothing faggot , and was summarily arrested for abusing his son . Alex cried when she heard what had happened to him . She thought it was all her fault . She visited him once in the hospital , but he was bandaged and bloody and sleeping . She cried then , too , and couldn 't bear to see him again like that . Matthew was in the hospital for a month , and was much worse for the wear after he got back . The loss of his father was the worst he suffered , but his new fear compelled him to break up with Alex . They had never had a single date . A boy named John Woods was a bit braver than most students . He was one of many that found Alex attractive , so one day he went to his parents and asked point blank what they would do if he started seeing Alex as a girlfriend . His parents already knew about her , of course , and about what had happened to Matthew . But his parents did not get angry , and after the initial shock of the question , replied as calmly as they could that they would allow it , as long as John knew what he was doing . There was no burst of applause , no cinematic explosion like the end of a cheap movie , but rather the hiss of whispers filled the air . People were apprehensive about this , mostly because they feared John 's safety . They didn 't know his parents had already accepted his decision . John and Alex hung out more during school , and went on two dates , first seeing the latest Harry Potter movie , and then going to the arcade . They held hands in the hallways , but for awhile , that was the most that happened . The school collectively sighed in relief that John wasn 't beat up by his dad , and everything seemed to be going normal , just like any other couple . With summer approaching , Alex and John decided to go mini - golfing for their third date . It turned into a double - date , as they met John 's friends Nancy and Scott there , just as they were starting . They decided to all play together . They all lived fairly close to the mini - golf course , so they walked home afterward . When they reached Alex 's street , Nancy and Scott said they would continue and John could bring Alex to her door . John kissed Alex smack on the lips , but went a little too fast , so Alex almost fell . John caught her , but kept his lips on hers for as long as he thought was good . Both of them lost track of time in that kiss . Alex had obviously never kissed a boy before , and she didn 't know what to do . But she loved it , so after the shock faded she kept her lips tight to his , and closed her eyes to enjoy the kiss more . Alex opened her eyes , and smiled . John gave her a brief hug and said goodbye . Alex wanted to hug him again , and kiss him again , but she knew she wasn 't supposed to . She said goodbye to him , and walked into her house . John walked fast back up the street . He was full of energy quite suddenly and his heart was racing . At the top of the street , Nancy and Scott were waiting . " You did ! You did ! " Nancy shouted gleefully . Scott smiled at John in a way that meant the same thing as what Nancy was doing . That he was happy for them . It was 11 PM , but Alexis wasn 't tired . She usually went to bed around ten , but tonight she was especially horny , and no porn would comfort her . Usually she just looked up shemale porn , because she imagined herself more easily as the shemale than if she looked up plain straight porn or gay porn . Sometimes she watched videos where the shemale received , in others she gave . But today , neither was working . She had a boner , and was working furiously to get rid of it , but she was having a very difficult time . But it wasn 't her dick that was bothering her , really ; it was the loneliness . Alexis and John had been going out for two months now , but they 'd only gotten to first base and lingered there . No matter how many time he told her that he didn 't mind that she had a penis , he simply refused to go any further . He 'd never touched it , he 'd never seen it ; he 'd only seen the bulge in her jeans when she accidently got an erection in school . She hadn 't even yet gotten an erection from kissing him except once , because he stopped too soon and never really got going . They would kiss like he was from the sixteenth century or something : just a peck on the cheek here , long kiss goodnight with no tongue action at all . Only last Friday had they even gotten to French kissing , during a particularly bad movie that they had both decided to see just so they could sit in the back and make out without missing anything good . That was the only time she had gotten an erection as they kissed , and even in the dim theater , she noticed that John had one , too . But they stopped making out when the credits started to roll , so they could have time to calm down before they got up . The closest John got that night to touching her dick was when he put his hand on her thigh , but that wasn 't even when they were Frenching , only after they had stopped . John really liked to just stay above ground , touching her neck in a sensual way , rubbing her back . . . heck , he wouldn 't even touch her tits ! ' Maybe John is just a gentleman , ' she thought . ' Maybe he 's going slow because he thinks I want to go slow . Well I don 't ! I want him to acknowledge me ! Acknowledge I 'm a girl ! Acknowledge I 'm a guy ! Just fondle me already ! ' Aggravated with her lack of help from the internet , Alexis got up and went to the bathroom , naked , hard - on solid with no chance of backing down . Her parents were both in their bedroom with the door closed , and she could hear them trying to have sex quietly , so as not to wake her . It made her feel even worse that they were happily fucking , but she couldn 't even get her boyfriend to touch her tits . Alexis stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom , looking over herself . ' Why wouldn 't he want me ? ' she asked herself . She was budding into a beautiful girl . She was slender , a little bit curvy , with legs that curved delicately into her ass - a tight , cute , white - girl ass that was the envy of the other girls in school . Her belly was a bit flat , but she ate right and exercised , and hoped that would soon curve as finely as the models she 'd seen in Seventeen Magazine . Her tits were smaller than she wanted , too , but she knew she wasn 't done growing yet , and anyway , at her age , they were well - formed perky things with cute little nipples that every guy wanted to fondle - ' except John ' , she thought , and sighed . She was perhaps not the conception of ' hot ' that some girls tried to make themselves , but John called her ' cute ' often , and she thought that was a true compliment . Her face was somewhere between teen - cute and baby - cute , but definitely sweet - cute . She had perfect , almond shaped , spring - green eyes complimenting her straight , sunkist brown hair , which she liked to let drop past her shoulders or put up into a ponytail . Her small mouth fit her delicate chin perfectly , and John loved it when she bit her lower lip when she was deep in thought . He said once that she was ' naturally pretty ' and shouldn 't wear makeup , which was a good thing , because she didn 't like too . She tried it a couple times , but she didn 't like the way she looked . ' Let 's face it , I 'm a tomboy , ' she thought . TomBOY . Then there was , of course , her penis . She looked at it in the mirror , looked at her testes , and decided that , given the fact that it was there , it certainly looked quite feminine . Even fully erect , she didn 't have a single blemish on her penis or testes , no sagging , no veins , no shift to one side like she had seen in some pornos . In fact , it kind of looked like a small child 's organs , being so smooth , its appearance flowing so naturally and easily to her body . Her penis was now over four inches long when erect , yet slim , but certainly still growing . The only thing missing was pubes . Her pubes simply hadn 't grown in . Her legs had started growing hair , and she was shaving them regularly , but not a single hair arrived anywhere near her privates . In a way , it was the cutest little package a girl could hope to have , fitting the rest of her cute little body to the letter . The only thing she didn 't like about her penis was the frenulum , that little part on the underside of the head that looks weird . Well , at least she didn 't have to look at it often . She looked at her body in the mirror , turning around to look at her ass , turning it back to look at her breasts , and finding , really , no imperfections . ' Why doesn 't John like me ? And why won 't this freaking hard - on die already ! ' She grabbed her dick and fiercely stroked it before just giving up . She was in no mood to try to suck it , and she couldn 't find any porn to get rid of it . ' Do boys have this much trouble ? ' she thought , and went back to bed in frustration . John Woods , himself , was having much the same problem . He had a boner that would not quit . He , too , tried looking at whatever porn he could find , but nothing worked . He couldn 't look at porn anymore . It just felt like . . . betrayal a bit . Jerking off to fantasies that weren 't about Alexis were getting harder and harder to do . Alexis would always come back into his mind . It was weird , at first , because he couldn 't imagine what it would be like to have sex with her . Obviously , vaginal was out of the question , and even when he tried to imagine her with one , it just didn 't sit right with him . So he tried to imagine getting a blowjob from her , but her cute , innocent face wasn 't capable of going anywhere near his dick . Then he considered anal , and that was alright for a while , but he couldn 't really imagine that , either . He couldn 't imagine what her penis would be doing the entire time . Would she have a boner ? Would she be flaccid ? Would she cum ? Would her dick bounce around a bit ? Then last night John had a wet dream , where he was lying on the grass on a hill nearby the school , lying naked with Alexis . She wasn 't sucking his dick , exactly - she was kissing it gently , more like . Like as if she were pecking him on the cheek , only more slowly and sensually . As she was about to part her lips and put her tongue to his dick , he changed his mind , and got onto his stomach . He held one of her feet , and began kissing it , the moved to her ankle , her calf , her knee , her thigh - and then her dick was in front of his face . It was flaccid , just resting casually on her balls like he wasn 't doing anything at all erotic . He figured that he ought to take the plunge , and finally kissed her penis . It made not motion to rise , no recognition of what he 'd done . He kissed it again , and again , and then finally just opened his mouth and let her dick slip in . The head of her dick was barely in his mouth when he came - and he woke up . He couldn 't stop himself , even though he immediately snapped out of his dream . His boxers got wet , his sheets got wet ; it was a mess . Even with masturbation , John would sometimes have wet dreams , and it was strange sometimes where his mind went when he wasn 't directing it . ' But . . . oh , why not ? ' he thought , ' Why not just get over the fact that she has a dick and let her USE it ? ' So John stopped the video he was watching and closed his eyes , imagining them naked on that hill - or better yet , and that movie when they started Frenching . . . yeah , that was a good day . John had wanted to go farther that day , much farther , but he just wasn 't sure how . ' Well , now is the time to correct that mistake , ' he thought . ' So , we 're sitting in the movie , and I 'm kissing her - WE ' RE kissing each other - and I move my hand to her waist . . . do I want to go up or down ? Touch her tits , or - oh , for Christ 's sake DOWN ! I reach inside her pants and grab her - penis . She 's hard . . . she makes a grab for me - she unbuttons my jeans . . . unzips my fly . . . wraps a finger around my dick . . . she smiles as she kisses me , I can feel it . . . Her whole hand grabs my dick . I grab hers , and I begin to stroke . We 're not wearing clothes anymore . . . we 're just naked in the movie . We 're stroking off each other . . . We 're - ' John came rather suddenly , and he wasn 't prepared . He didn 't have his tissues at hand , and he was still sitting at his computer . Cum shot onto his keyboard , onto his hand , down the side of his dick - ' shit , now it 's getting in my pubes ! ' John thought to himself . This would be a mess to clean up , especially the keyboard . Was it even worth all that trouble ? The next day , after school , Alexis and John hung out at the skatepark with a few of their friends . John was feeling good , but Alexis looked dead tired . She didn 't tell John , but her boner really had kept her up much of the night . She never got it to go down , and didn 't recall falling asleep . She was relieved that it wasn 't there when she woke up in the morning , but she didn 't like the sexual frustration at all . She didn 't know what to do , because John didn 't want to do anything sexual with her . John took that as his cue , and promptly hugged her . Alexis was swept up in it , for a moment ; she loved the closeness of him , the feeling of his body against hers , how her chest was being squished just a bit against his chest , the pressure of his leg against hers , against her dick . She wasn 't sure how long the hug lasted , but she felt him kiss her temple , and whisper in her ear " Please feel better . I was hoping we 'd do something tonight . " She thought about it , and John noticed she had a dazed look on her face , and , thinking maybe she was serious about getting no sleep , so he said " You alright ? You sure you 're ok to stay awake tonight ? Or maybe we could just call this short , like go to my house , make some coffee , and just play some games or something ? " Before she could answer , he shouted to his friends " Hey ! We 're gonna go ! See ya later ! " and started to pull Alexis along with him . To both of them , the walk seemed to last forever , and then when it was over it seemed like it took no time at all . They reached John 's house , and he led her in . John 's parents weren 't home from work yet , so they had the house to themselves . John was as nervous as she was , but he didn 't show it . Instead , he showed total confidence , and acted quite like his normal self . He did show his concern for her , repeatedly asking her how she was feeling , but she just kept saying she was fine , not even noticing how many time he asked her . Despite finishing his cup long before Alexis did , John decided not to talk to her while she sipped her cupped . He wasn 't sure what to say and didn 't want to keep asking her how she was . He poured himself another cup , and finished even that one before she finished her first . Finally he could take it no more , so he took her cup out of her hands and put it on the table . He took her by the hands and led her upstairs to his bedroom . Her senses went on high alert when she realized where he was leading her , but she realized that something was finally going to happen . If they were just going to make out , they would just stay on the couch , maybe start by watching TV and moving on . But John was trouncing on protocol , but Alexis was ok with it . They sat down on John 's bed , and started kissing . John was his usual , sensual self , starting slow , not jamming his mouth into hers like he had somewhere to be , but opening her mouth up gently . His hands began at her neck , rubbing her shoulders , then down and to her front . He placed a hand on her breast , above the shirt , but that didn 't matter much to Alexis . He was going for it , and it felt good . He placed his other hand on her other breast , and fondled them gently , just as he would massage her back . Finally , Alexis decided to take off her shirt , followed quickly by her bra . John went back to groping them , but was kissing at a bit of a faster pace now . He was so delighted that he was showing his appreciation through his kisses , and through his hands . John pulled away from her mouth , no matter how much he wanted to continue exploring it with his tongue , and kissed her chin , the moved down to her neck , slowly down to breast . . . When his mouth got there , he took one hand away , and then kissed a line down to her nipple . Having never played with a girl 's tits before , he wasn 't sure what to do with his mouth down there , but he sort of remembered what to do from pornos , so he started sucking her tit . He though he looked a little ridiculous , like he was trying to get milk out of her or something , but when he glanced up , she didn 't even have her eyes open anymore . She had given in to simply feeling everything he was doing . Alexis was getting a hard - on , and a thought briefly flitted through her mind ' What if he gets scared now ? ' But it disappeared and was replaced with no thought at all . She could not think , only feel . John , too , was getting an erection , and feeling it push against his jeans , he took it as his cue to see what hers was doing . Staying with his mouth on her breast , flicking her nipple with his tongue , John reached his hand down to her jeans and placed it lightly on her crotch . He could feel her penis , getting harder as he touched it . John gently nudged Alexis so she was lying down , and he managed to take her jeans off . Only her bulging boxers stood between him and her penis . Only to torture himself , to postpone seeing what he desperately wanted to see , he kissed her from her breast down to her waistline . When he kissed her waist , she inhaled deeply . It was the greatest sound he 'd ever heard , because it was the sound of her pleasure . He pulled her boxers the rest of the way off , then took off her socks . Just like in his dream , he began at her feet . He kissed her toes , and as he did so , she gasped again and spread her toes wide . His kissed each one , then kissed the bottom of her foot , moving on to her ankle , calf , knee . . . When John got to her thigh , he had a plain view of her cock in front of him , and it was the closest his face had ever been to it . Her dick was in the air , waiting impatiently to be touched . But John put it off , taking extra long to kiss her thigh , then finally moved on , and without thinking , kissed her sac . She moaned now , and her sac and penis bounced a little . He kissed her sac again . This was just too much for her . In her ecstasy , Alexis had wanted to cum since John kissed her waist , and had spent all her energy preventing herself from cumming thus far . But she could hold it in no longer , and when he kissed her sac again , this time parting his lips , she had an orgasm . The cum went into the air and landed all over her stomach . Her dick spasmed a lot , trying to get every last little bit of cum out of her system . As she came , she wrapped her legs around John and squeezed him tight . John was surprised , but . . . he was ok with this . He got her off and he had never even touched her dick . But now , even though it didn 't matter , he still wanted to . John moved his lips from her sac to the base of her dick , and he kissed it . Her dick convulsed again from the sensitivity . He kissed it again and again , a little farther up each time , and it kept convulsing . Finally , he reached the head , where cum was still dripping . John got up and went to the bathroom . He was already chiding himself for being a pussy . But he got the towel , and wiped up her cum , and told her to just rest . ' Well , ' John thought , ' you did it . You went all the way . Well , not ALL all the way , but as far as she was going , anyway . ' Alexis dozed , naked , in John 's bed , while John left her sleeping and went to the bathroom . His erection was dying , due to the voice in his head telling him he was a pussy for not so much as touching Alexis ' cum . He knew , going into this relationship , that if it ever came time to discover each other 's bodies , that would have to be something he would have to do . She had a penis ; it was as simple as that . It worked properly and now he had seen it , touched it , kissed it - but he would not take that one last hurdle : he could not touch her cum . ' What 's wrong with it ? ' John thought , staring himself down in the mirror . ' It was just cum , for Christ 's sake . You touch yours all the time . Ok , you don 't eat it , but you cum in your hand sometimes , and it 's not a bad feeling . ' Another voice butted in the conversation of his mind : ' Yeah , but it 's hers . Not yours . It 's like another guy 's cum . ' ' No , it 's not , it 's Alexis ' cum , ' the first part of his brain retorted . ' It 's hers , and you love her . You just made her cum , you made a girl cum , so you 've hit it big , and there are no problems . ' ' Uh - huh . Do you really expect you 'll ever eat her cum ? Put it in your mouth even ? You know chicks swallow cum , you 've seen that shit in porn . Can you handle it ? ' John went to the toilet and unzipped his pants . He pulled his flaccid dick out and began to play with it . With all of his effort , he put the voices on hold and tried to remember exactly what had just happened with Alexis . ' I kissed her . I kissed her all over . I finally took her shirt off , and my God , that was amazing . I saw a girl 's tits for the first time in my life . I played with them . I even sucked them . Well , ok , just one , but still . ' ' I took her pants off . I took her underwear off . I got to see her totally naked , and she was beautiful . I saw her boner . I . . . I wanted to suck it . I really wanted to . But I didn 't . I kissed her feet , her legs , and then I kissed her balls . And she came just from that . How could she cum just from that ? ' But then John imagined the situation reversed , and he imagined her stripping him , and kissing his sac , except in his imagination she was gripping his dick and stroking it . She kissed his balls so sensually . . . and then . . . sticking her tongue out , she licked his sac . It was the force and suddenness with which this fantasy turned from sensual to sexy that he almost came right there . He stopped himself for barely two seconds so he could cover his head with his left hand , and he jizzed into it . His legs felt shaky as he came , and he wanted to hold the wall , but one hand was on his member and the other was catching cum , so he forced himself to stay afloat . When he thought he was drained , he looked at the amount in his hand . It was ok , considering he had masturbated the night before , as well . It looked a little watery , but sometimes that happened . John brought the hand up to his face and looked at his cum carefully . He sniffed it , and it smelled no different than usual . The cum was becoming more watery the more he stared , and he knew that if he was going to do this , it was now or never . Now or never , John . He - he couldn 't do it . He just couldn 't do it at all . He chickened out again . He just walked to the sink and washed his hands , letting his cum go down the drain . ' Why ? Why can 't I do it ? Why do I fight with myself ? I have to do it eventually . I want to do it . So what are you afraid of , you fuckin ' pussy ? ' He was still growing , nowhere near the end of puberty at all . He still looked so young . He was like a baby compared to how much more grown in Alexis was . Then again , so was every boy in eighth grade , but still . He was a cute boy , not quite baby - cute , and not a high - school - guy - cute , but just something in between . He shaved his face , but not for any reason but to say he did , for he wasn 't growing and facial hair as far as he could tell . He had dark auburn hair , wavy and cut to his ears , a heart - shaped face ending in an ever - so - slight cleft chin , and Air Force blue eyes pulled just slightly , as if there were one Asian in his family two generations back or something . Alexis absolutely adored his eyes , and said once that she ' could get lost in them for days ' - something John could have sworn he heard in a movie , but that was ok , because the way she said it made it not matter . He just wanted to grow up already , not just to fill out but to grow out of his immaturity - and he knew that 's what it was to not want to put Alexis ' cum in his mouth . He knew high school kids that always talked out eating pussy and how their girlfriends would cum - to be honest he 'd never seen a woman cum in porn , and he didn 't think it was quite the same , at least the way he learned it in sex ed . But Alexis , she could cum , and if a high school kid were in his position , he 'd know how to make the best of it . ' So just grow up already , ' he told himself . Alexis slept for twenty minutes before the caffeine from her coffee earlier kicked in . She woke up without feeling too groggy ; in fact , she felt much more awake than she had all day . It was something much better than sleep that made her rested - it was what John did with her . She remembered , quite suddenly , with crystal clarity , exactly what had occurred . She had been so wiped she had drifted off to sleep , but she would apologize to John for that and make it up to him . After all , she had gotten what she wanted . He groped her chest , got her naked , even went so far as to kiss her dick ! Maybe he would have done more , but she just couldn 't hold in the night of sexual frustration anymore . She had released , and with it , the best orgasm of her life , because John was kissing her as she came . Hell , he wasn 't just kissing her , he was kissing her sac ! She knew that she would make it up to him as soon as possible . Alexis looked up at him . " No , I 'm sorry . I 'm sorry I fell asleep and I 'm sorry I came so quickly . I tried to hold it in , but I couldn 't help it . I want to make it up to you . I want to do to you what you did to me . " " And I want to get you naked . I want us to both be naked together . I want to make you cum just the way you made me cum . " " No , don 't cry , please don 't cry . It isn 't about you , don 't blame anything on yourself . You are the prettiest girl I 've ever met , and I love you . The problem I 'm having is . . . it 's hard to explain . It 's like . . . you ever want to do something so bad , like your mind wanted to , but your body was afraid to do it ? " " Exactly , just like that . Like , you want to skateboard , you see kids do it and think it 's cool , or when we watch Rodney Mullen videos and want to learn all his tricks , but then when you get on the board and your standing at the top of the half - pipe and your legs just go numb and you can 't move . . . well , that 's what I 'm feeling . I love you , and I want to make you feel good , I want more than anything in the world to make you feel good - " " I know , and I was happy with that . And the more I think about it , the more I think I could give you head , I could enjoy doing that , and I want to try it , but then , when you came , I mean . . . I wanted to lick it up . I wanted to put your cum in my mouth , because that 's what I see in porn , but it just . . . it just seemed gross to me . And I don 't mean it about you , don 't take it that way . I don 't know how to explain it . I guess I 'm just a pussy - " John stopped , because now he was getting ready to cry . Alexis took all this in , and understood that it was nothing for either of them to cry about . " No , John , you 're not a pussy at all . You 're brave , John . You were brave when you walked up to me that day and asked me out for the first time , right in front of everybody . You were brave the first time you kissed me on my doorstep . You were brave today when you undressed me . You kissed me where I didn 't think you ever would . I understand if you have limits - " " But I don 't want limits . I want to be able to give you head and let you have an orgasm in my mouth . I want to be a good boyfriend to you . " " Then we 'll work it out , " Alexis said . " We 'll find a way to get you over this . In the meantime , I 'm ok with it . This is just the beginning . This is the first time we 've done anything like this . Just don 't worry about that stuff right now and enjoy yourself . Enjoy me . " Over the next week , John and Alexis did not have much time to themselves . There was homework to be done , and when there wasn 't , Scott and Nancy kept getting in their way , trying to pull John and Alexis apart to try to learn separately what had happened the day they had suddenly left the skatepark . Scott thought they might have gone all the way , and wanted to know all the details , but Nancy thought Alexis had looked sad that day , like maybe one of her relatives had died . On Saturday afternoon , John and Alexis hung out at the skatepark , as usual , since it was free , trying to learn new flips or grind on the funbox . Both Nancy and Scott were there , as well as many other students they knew and didn 't know . Nancy and Scott were still trying to get answers even a week later , as if their own love lives could not possibly be as interesting as John and Alexis ' . But for the past week , despite frustrations , John and Alexis had renewed energy , and seemed so much happier than they ever had . Scott and Nancy had a hard time keeping up with them at the skatepark to even attempt a conversation . They were getting furious , and John and Alexis relished frustrating them , just to let them taste what they had been going through over the past week . John still had his little hangup , but he knew that Alexis would help him through it . In fact , now , knowing that he had already gone so far with her , and knowing that when the time came , he would be ready for everything , he couldn 't be happier in life . He had a girlfriend that he was in love with , and he was exploring her sexually . The halfpipe was the only thing in the park most skaters under fifteen never tried . It was ten feet tall with a ramp going up one side , all made of concrete . It was alright to try with a bike , but the speed you could get on a skateboard was frightening , and there were legends of young kids pressing their luck on it and winding up with broken bones and bloody faces . There were tales of ten year olds being killed on it . Thirteen wasn 't too much older than ten . But John was feeling good today , feeling lucky . He just figured out how to do a Front Foot Impossible yesterday , which he had been trying to get for months . The first time he finally did it , he got it perfect , and couldn 't get it since then , but that was good enough is his book , for now . The halfpipe meant something more than learning a new flip trick . It meant , to John , that he could face any fear . If he could do this , he could without a doubt get over his sexual reservations . He gained speed quickly flying down the halfpipe , got a bit of speed wobble as he hit the flat bottom , but lost the wobble and all the speed coming up the other side . John did not reach the opposite ledge , but instead stopped almost right at it , and slid back down . His speed picked up again on the return trip , but did not let him get very high before sliding back down again . John stopped his board in front of her , stepped off it , and embraced her . She didn 't stop shaking or hug him back , because she was trapped in the past . She could still see John at the top of the half - pipe , or coming down the first time , coming close to bailing , and rewind . . . That snapped her out of it . She continued to shake , but she hugged him , and began to cry . She didn 't know why she was crying ; she knew that John was safe . When she pulled her lips away , she stammered " Why ? Why did you do that ? " If last week , Nancy and Scott questioned why they had left the park so suddenly , there was absolutely no doubt today . Nancy and Scott , however , weren 't that far alone in their relationship or in there sexual needs just yet , so Nancy didn 't ask " Why don 't we do that ? " although the question to did flit through her mind . John and Alexis went to John 's house , and with no cars in the driveway , that took it as a sign that they could finally be alone again . John fumbled with his key at the door , and when he finally got it , was pushed inside by Alexis . Alexis led now , pulling John into his bedroom , and shutting the door when John forgot to . John was still half hard , but his dick picked right back up again when Alexis kissed him , pushing his back against the door . As they kissed , John groped her tits . John could feel that her nipples were hard under her shirt and bra . John didn 't protest as Alexis slid to her knees and unbuttoned his jeans . He didn 't watch her do it , but looked away . He knew that very soon he 'd be getting his first blowjob from the girl he loved , and she looked so goddamned cute that he simply could not imagine it . She looked so innocent that to see such a thing would probably make him faint . In no time and after forever , John felt Alexis ' lips , kissing the head of his cock . He gasped . Just to have her down there , just to have her playing with it would be enough to get him off , but she was going to suck it . And he wanted this to last . He thought he could have cum already , but he used all his will power to keep his orgasm in . John felt Alexis kiss his shaft , then open her mouth and lick . She licked the length of his cock , then quickly put the head in her mouth , and sucked it . This would not be a slow , sensual sex act like they had before . No , they were goddamned horny , and Alexis wanted John 's cock in her mouth . Besides , this was his reward for surviving the day , and she wanted to make it special . She then took his dick back out and licked the bottom of the shaft , looking up at him . She saw he was looking away , so she tapped his hip with her finger to get his attention . She wanted him to see what she was doing for him , not just feel it . That was it . John could not hold it in any longer . The sight was too much for him to handle . He came , moaning , squirting a saved week 's worth of cum onto her face , forehead , and into her hair . John smacked his fist against the door as his legs got shaky . After about five or thirty five items , Alexis came down the stairs and entered the kitchen , sporting a smile . She waved casually and said " Hi all , " and stood next to John . John looked at her , and was relieved to see she had no cum on her face at all , or even in her hair , but her hair did look a little wet . He prayed that nobody would notice . " No , it didn 't ruin it , " John said after a long pause . It wasn 't the blowjob that had been ruined , really , it was the end of orgasm that was ruined . He was so shocked when he heard his mother call up to him that the last half of his orgasm barely registered to him . " It just . . . made it more memorable , " he said , and smiled at her . " Not memorable in the way I wanted , " Alexis said , feeling defeated . She had worked so hard over the past week to get John alone so she could repay him for the pleasure he gave her , and she knew he was lying when he said it wasn 't ruined . His first blowjob had been ruined by his parents . If it was his second , or third , or any time besides first , it would have made her laugh , but she wanted John 's first to feel special . John sat next to Alexis on the floor , both of them leaning back against his bed . He looked at her , seeing the sad look on an adorable face that would not look at him back , instead searching the TV for distraction . He kissed her softly on the cheek . " Hey , " he said , and she turned to him , " you are the one who made it memorable . You gave me the most memorable experience of my life . " He paused , and changed his tone : " I don 't think I 'll ever forget the sight of my cum all over your face . " " Liked giving you a blowjob . . . . I liked knowing that you liked it . I liked seeing you try to hold it back for me , because you wanted it to last . That made me very happy . At first I didn 't like the fact that you wouldn 't look at me , until I realized why , then I liked that , too . . . . I really liked it when you came . " " I ate it . I ate as much as I could . Then I washed my face after that - but don 't worry , John ! " Alexis said , seeing the pained look on his face . " You don 't have to swallow mine if you don 't want to . All you need to do is do what you 've been doing . I love you , and I loved what you did to me last week . " " No , I understand . Besides , I did the same thing to you , so we 're even now . " John was a little disappointed , and a little angry , but not angry at her . He was angrier at his parents , but placing the blame on them hadn 't quite registered in his mind yet . His emotions were just so mixed up he wasn 't sure what he was feeling . They heard the doorbell ring downstairs , and the loud chatter of John 's mother as she greeted whoever was at the door . Five minutes later , John and Alexis heard footsteps up the stairs . They looked at the doorway and saw Scott and Nancy enter . " You forgot your boards at the park . We went to Alexis 's house first , but you guys weren 't there , so . . . " Scott trailed off , assuming the rest of the story was obvious enough . " I thought you guys went home to . . . " Scott began , but couldn 't finish , instead waiting for John to look at him . When he did , Scott gave a wink . " Can we cut the euphemisms out ? " Nancy said , plopping onto John 's bed . She thought she used the word ' euphemisms ' correctly , as she had just learned it in English class a few days before , and felt proud that she had worked it into the conversation . " I want to know exactly what you guys did , and I want to know if you 've gone further than me and Scott have . " Scott flushed red . He really did not want to have that kind of conversation with others . He was being very hesitant with Nancy , and felt afraid to go very far with her . He hadn 't gone beyond kissing a bit with her , but even that felt a little weird . Scott hadn 't even really discovered himself yet , so he wasn 't ready to start discovering girls . He wasn 't embarrassed to kiss Nancy , not even in public , but when she grabbed his ass or tried to put her tongue in his mouth he would get cold feet , and would usually have to stop making out with her , because he didn 't yet understand the physical feelings he had . Nancy , on the other hand , was a girl who was ready for anything . She was developing at an alarming rate , and wanted to be a grown up already , or at least a teenager . She wanted to experiment with boys instead of just seeing the science of it in sex ed class . She hadn 't yet looked at porn , although she knew it was out there , but instead read her mother 's trashy romance novels whenever she could . She didn 't exactly get wet reading them , but she fantasized that she was the beautiful girl in every novel , losing her virginity to a strong , handsome man . In her mind that man was usually Scott , although a bit more grown up , but sometimes it was Johnny Depp or even Colin Farrell . " And then my mom came home ! " John said , laughing . " Right as I was doing it ! " He no longer felt any anger at his parents . Right now was a time to look back on it and laugh , even if it was only twenty minutes ago . Because to the bunch of giggling schoolchildren , it was a hilarious and taboo thing to hear . " Eww ! " Nancy said , but she wasn 't grossed out at all . She was seeing the moment in her mind , seeing Alexis fretting in front of the bathroom mirror , trying to get the stickiness out of her hair . Nancy 's laughter died , and was replaced by a look of total shock on her face . Now this wasn 't hilarious anymore , this was juicy gossip . Nancy knew that she would be having a hell of a time keeping this between just themselves . " Ohmygod , what did it taste like ? I heard it tastes gross ! " " No . No , I loved it , " Alexis said , and kissed John on the cheek . John blushed a little , but felt pride more than anything . He wasn 't sure why he was prideful , but it probably wasn 't because his cum tasted good . He was proud of having a girlfriend that loved him , and that swallowed . He knew even just from watching porn that lots of girls didn 't do that , and they were paid to . Now that Scott had suddenly become the center of attention , he was no longer laughing . He turned beet red again , and wanted to leave immediately . He didn 't even want Nancy to have this conversation without him there . He just wanted the subject dropped altogether . " Yes , but this one wants to go slow , " Nancy said , squeezing Scott tighter . " Well , Scotty , get any ideas from them ? John said it was awesome . " " Oh my god , you know what we could do ? " Alexis said in a conspiratorial tone . " Monday , after school , my folks work . We could all go to my house , and look through their closet for porno tapes ! " " Your parents have porno ? " Nancy said , wide - eyed . " I wanna see it ! If that doesn 't give Scotty any ideas , he 's hopeless . " Science class was the prime time for Nancy and Alexis to talk , as they sat next to each other , and their boyfriends were not in the same class with them . They could giggle and fawn over hot movie stars or even cute boys in school without getting their boyfriends jealous . Nancy and Alexis tended to have different tastes in guys . Alexis liked the cute boys that resembled John , and Nancy liked the more mature boys that were nothing like Scott at all . Nancy couldn 't wait for the school year to get over with , and for the next school year after that , so she could finally get into high school where all the hot , fully developed guys were . She counted off the days left in school , and by her count there were ten , including today . Then came glorious summer vacation , when she could go to the beach everyday and look at the muscular men in swimsuits . It wasn 't that Nancy found Scott unattractive - in fact she thought he was very cute - but she just liked MEN a bit more than boys . She wanted to have sex , too . She wanted to do to Scott what Alexis had done to John , and she wanted to go further than that . Her mom 's trashy romance novels were taking up her dreams , but she wanted them to take up her waking life , except for real instead of on paper . She actually wasn 't even really sure if Scott was the one she wanted to lose her virginity to , but she loved him like she loved puppies , and she didn 't understand the difference between the way a puppy or Scott made her feel and the way the high school jocks made her feel when she looked at them . She knew there was a difference , but she couldn 't quite place it . But in any case , she really wanted to know what sex was like , and Scott was her boyfriend , after all . He just took it too slow for her liking . She 'd been trying to push him for over a month now , but he wouldn 't get past kissing . Even after they had learned what Alexis and John had done , Scott didn 't open up . He had told her that he was happy the way things were , and thought the idea of putting his penis in her mouth was kind of gross , like he didn 't know if he 'd be able to kiss her again after she did that . That was about as frank as he got , and then changed the topic by saying that he would not watch porn with her if she was going to try anything like that . Nancy finally gave in , and said they would watch it just to see what it was like , and if it grossed him out , they would leave . Scott grudgingly agreed . " Ohmygod Ineverdid ! " Alexis nearly shrieked , and when Mrs . Baker looked up again , Alexis grew red . She was so excited to tell Nancy exactly what had happened the week before , about how great it was that John had gone down on her , that she simply couldn 't tell her now for fear that everyone would hear . " Okay ! " Nancy said , and raced out the door , heading for the nearest girls ' bathroom , where Alexis was just dying to spill the beans . They spent the rest of the class period in the bathroom discussing every detail Alexis could remember , which was everything . Alexis and John both knew how hot Internet porn was , and expected Alexis ' parents ' video stash to be no different . They knew they would both have raging hard - ons as they watched , fighting to get out . They expected this to be a kind of torture . If Nancy and Scott hadn 't been invited to watch with them , John thought this might have been the perfect opportunity to give Alexis another blowjob , a proper one this time , like she gave him , and maybe , just maybe , he 'd find himself brave enough to swallow her cum . But , that wasn 't the case , and John thought that it would at least be fun to show some porn to Nancy and Scott . Maybe if Scott liked it , he might finally start to discover his sexuality . And if Nancy and Scott moved their relationship to the next level , they would probably be so involved with each other that they would leave John and Alexis alone . Not that John didn 't like Scott and Nancy ; he just wanted to start spending a lot more time alone with Alexis . John daydreamed throughout the day , fantasizing about Alexis a lot , but also thinking about what would happen when the foursome watched the porn tapes . What if Nancy and Scott got so excited , they started making out , and playing with each other , and then Alexis and John could do the same ? What if they all got so horny they all got naked together and . . . ? John wasn 't sure he was too comfortable showing himself to anyone but Alexis , and he didn 't want Alexis to show herself to anybody else , either . Alexis also wasn 't sure what to expect with their little field trip to porno land . She expected to get as horny as John , but she wondered how Nancy and Scott would take it . After all , Scott was extremely hesitant , and might get embarrassed , grossed out , or even get angry and leave . Nancy would find out that there was a very big difference between trashy romance novels and porn , and who knows how she 'd react . Maybe she 'd find it gross too . " I know , I was just saying hi , " John said and kissed her quickly again . " I 'll try not to get sexy when we watch the porn , but it 'll be hard . Get it ? ' It 'll be hard ' ? " " Yeah , I get it . It 'll ' be hard ' for me too , but try to keep it from going wild , okay ? Let 's just try to act like we 're watching a regular movie . " " No , pretend like we 're watching a GOOD movie that we both want to see . Ooh ! I 'll make popcorn ! " Alexis said , and ran to the kitchen . John rolled his eyes , but followed her . He found her in front of the microwave , trying to figure out which side of the bag of popcorn to put ' down ' . John hugged her from behind , moving his hands along her waist . He slipped his hand down the front of her jeans , cupping the organs he found . Alexis gasped , and pushed her ass against him . She loved feeling John 's hand holding her dick and balls , and got half - hard as she tried to put the popcorn in the microwave . She couldn 't even focus enough to press the right buttons on the microwave , and finally just gave in to enjoying John 's hand completely . She almost unbuttoned her jeans when the doorbell rang again , and she snapped back to reality . " Ok , let 's go ! " she said , and led the way into the TV room , carrying the bowl , John carrying the drinks . She set the popcorn down on the coffee table , John following her lead with the soda . Alexis then led them all upstairs to her parents ' room , and into their walk - in closet . At the back of the closet was a big chest . Alexis opened it , and removed a thick quilt from it , revealing over a dozen porno tapes . " So what do you guys want to see ? " Alexis said , shuffling through the tapes . " We 've got ' Back Door Sluts 9 ' , ' Crotch Capers 3 ' , ' Naughty Nurses 2 ' - " " Ok , " Alexis said . " What else ? ' The Secret Garden ' . . . that isn 't ' The Secret Garden ' I know . . . ' The Devil in Miss Jones ' . . . " " Ooh , I like the sound of that . Sounds sacrilegious , " Nancy said . ' Sacrilegious ' was another vocab word she had just learned in English class . Nancy and Scott followed Alexis back to the TV room while John opened the trunk back up again and picked another movie . When he came back down , he was ecstatic . " Listen to this ! ' Date from Hell ' it 's called , and it says on it : ' You have entered another dimension . . . and some loser still follows you here ! ' " Nancy sat down in the middle of the couch , pulling Scott down next to her on the right . John sat down on the left , and with no room left , Alexis just sat on John 's lap . John wrapped his arms around her , keeping her butt down hard against his dick . Nancy grabbed the bowl of popcorn and snuggled next to Scott , putting her head on his shoulder . The nurse stood up and took her top off , revealing DD tits and gigantic nipples . She crossed a leg over the patient so she was riding him , and brought her tits into his face . The patient put his head between her boobs and shook his head violently , making a raspberry noise . They had to stop watching after that scene and move on to ' Rectal Rooter ' , but it wasn 't any better . They found everything that happened to be funnier than any comedy they 'd ever seen . Not only was the acting horrid , but the sex in itself was silly , and before long they were commenting on the porn like they were the robots in ' Mystery Science Theater 3000 ' . Alexis , John , Scott , and Nancy were so interested in the movie they forgot they were watching porn . They forgot they had been laughing , and took in everything just as any drama should be watched . Nancy picked up the popcorn again and crunched loudly , wide - eyed , wanting to know what was going on . John didn 't know what to do . He was scared or Mr . Williams , but he wanted to be a man and protect the girl he loved . His flight - or - fight instinct clouded his brain , and in an instant , he chose flight . " You don 't understand . My parents won 't even let me see rated R movies . I got in trouble when I saw one once . What do you think they 'll do when they find out I watched p - porn ! " " They won 't do anything , Scott , " Nancy said , but she didn 't believe it herself now . She had always wondered why Scott was so shy , why he always acted so nervous around his own parents , or anybody 's parents , but she had never seen them get angry before . Maybe they would do something to him , after all . John stopped paying attention to them . He had his own thoughts to deal with now . He knew his parents wouldn 't care that he had watched porn , maybe they 'd lecture him or ground him , but that wasn 't a big deal . What mattered to him was that he had just walked away from his girlfriend . ' I 'm supposed to love her , aren 't I ? ' he thought to himself . ' If I love her , why didn 't I stand with her ? ' ' Maybe that 's why I chickened out , ' John thought . ' Maybe I assumed he wouldn 't be that angry as soon as he calmed down . No , John , you 're lying to yourself . You 're just a pussy . Get over it . ' Alexis ' father sighed . " Okay . I 'll talk about it with your mother when she gets home , and we 'll decide on an appropriate punishment . For now , clean up the mess you and your friends made . I think the soda will stain . " When Nancy and Scott reached Scott 's house , they discovered that Scott 's mom was already home . Nancy had to drag Scott into his own house to face his own mother . He finally gave up struggling and protesting when she got him through the doorway , and just hung his head in shame . " There you are , " Scott 's mother said when she saw him . " Supper 's almost ready . I was getting worried . I called Nancy 's house but no one answered . " " Enough dear ! " Scott 's mother said , getting heated . " I don 't want to have an argument with you . I know he looks like a girl , because his weirdo parents make him look like one , but he has boy parts where is counts . Personally , I think they should be locked up for doing that . I don 't care if they wanted a girl , they got a boy and there 's no changing that . I will call your parents later and have them explain it to you . End of conversation . " Nancy wasn 't so sure she would be able to tell Scott 's mother about the porn now . Scott 's mother didn 't understand that Alexis was a girl , and thought her parents were ' weirdoes ' , so Nancy had no idea how she might react to the porn . She apparently didn 't like anything that wasn 't considered ' normal ' , and twelve - year - olds watching porn was probably not ' normal ' to her . It was no wonder to Nancy now why Scott was so shy . " I don 't remember ; I put them away already . It was weird , actually ; they were just watching it like a normal movie . They had popcorn . " Anne laughed . " Oh , dumb kid stuff . You know they 're getting around that age anyway . I 'm sure she 's seen worse things on the Internet . She shouldn 't be watching that stuff , of course , and she certainly shouldn 't be showing her friends , but there 's not much we can do . " " Do you really think that 's necessary ? What did you do when you were their age ? Don 't you think you wouldn 't want your parents finding out ? " " No , that 's Scott I think . Nancy 's boyfriend . He 's twelve too . You should pay more attention to Alexis ' friends . Who else ? " " Do you have your friends ' phone numbers ? " her mother repeated . " You 're not in trouble , but don 't go showing your friends that stuff anymore . But I still need to tell their parents . " " Oh , don 't worry about it , Jeff . They 're getting about that age , you know , when they start to get curious . Hell , I 've caught my son a few times looking at porn on the Internet , I 'm sure what he saw at your house was mild compared to some of the crap on there . In fact , don 't tell Alexis I know this , but I think I caught them the other day . . . um , experimenting , shall we say ? No , I didn 't see them , but I think I came home at the wrong time , and John seemed really embarrassed , you know ? And his fly was unzipped , but I won 't get into all the details , I guess that 's just between my son and your daughter . I mean , these kids are getting more sexually active these days ; I never even kissed a girl till I was seventeen , and these kids at twelve . . . still , that 's the way of things now . " " Oh , she was bound to find out sooner or later . She 's getting that age , you know . I mean , we have that parental blocker software to keep her off Internet porn , but with what she sees on TV anyway . . . She steals my romance novels , you know . I figure it 's better to read about it classy than watch vulgar stuff on the Internet , so I don 't do anything about it . . . but like I said , it 's really not a big deal , but thanks for telling me . I 'll talk to her about it , and make sure she doesn 't get the wrong impression of sex . It 's about time we had that talk with her anyway . Should 've done it a couple years ago , when she had her first period . " " You WHAT ? ! You let my son watch SMUT ? ! How DARE you show my kid such filthy things ! Oh , it was your son , now , was it ? Your son - your SON - you have a SON and I don 't care what you people tell others , you are a bunch a freaky people , all of you , and I will forbid my son from talking to yours again ! No , they won 't be ' hanging out ' anymore , and did you know your son has a boyfriend ? You think he won 't be traumatized when he finds out he 's been getting all kissy - kissy with a boy ? It 'll turn him GAY , that 's what it 'll do ! I ought to go ahead and call Child Services because of what you do to your boy . YES HE ' S A BOY AND DON ' T PRETEND OTHERWISE ! Does he have a - p - penis ? Then he 's a boy ! What 's the matter with you ? Everybody knows he 's a boy , and you 're turning him into a freak ! I don 't care if you give him boy 's clothes , I 've seen him , you must give him a bra and stuff it or something - NO THEY ' RE NOT ! You mean to tell me that boy has B - BREASTS ? I 'll bet you give him that hormone stuff that turns him into a girl . I WILL be calling Child Services now ; you are dangerous people . GOOD BYE ! " " Scott won 't be in trouble , will he ? " Alexis asked . At first she felt immense relief that John and Nancy 's parents were so good about it , but now she was ready to cry just hearing the shouting match between her father and Scott 's mother . " My mom gave me ' the talk ' , " Nancy chimed in . " She told me sex wasn 't really like what we saw , but she told me that it wasn 't really like what was in her books , either . I can 't wait till we take sex ed next year so I can find out what it 's really like . " " I don 't think sex ed will tell you much , " Alexis said , " except the science behind it . I don 't think they 'll teach you what it feels like . I mean , it 's not like it 's a hands - on course ! " " Ooh , that 'd be so fun ! " Nancy said . She still had not tried masturbation yet , but it was in the back of her mind more often that not . At this moment , she was visualizing a sex ed class where she and Scott got to go up to the front of the room to give an in - class demonstration of sex . She did not yet realize that , in the adult world , that was called exhibitionism . She didn 't know yet that it was a fetish , a taboo , something that lots of people were interested in , and something that others thought was sick and weird . In her mind , having sex in a sex ed class as perfectly logical as playing with chemicals in a chemistry class . Alexis looked away , avoiding Nancy 's eyes . ' Maybe it 's my fault Scott isn 't here , ' Alexis thought to herself , and felt ashamed . ' It wasn 't right to push him to be there , it wasn 't right to make him come . He knew he 'd be in trouble , and we shouldn 't have made him come . ' " I 'll go to his house after school and see what 's up , " Nancy said . " Maybe he 's just sick . " But nobody really thought so . Nancy did not find out why Scott had been absent that day . She had gone to Scott 's house to find out , but she had been shooed away before she was allowed to come in . The next day yielded no further results , but she never told Alexis and John the specifics of what had happened on those occasions . It was the topic that Nancy did not want to talk about . " I don 't even want to tell you . Just saying what he 's done is not good for you . You might get ideas and I don 't want to be responsible for it . " " I 'll bet that boy told everyone in school . Scott 's so ashamed he 'll never be able to show his face in school again , and I don 't blame him . I 've arranged to have the rest of his schoolwork mailed to us , and I 'll be sending him to a private school next year , like I should 've done from the first . I 'm sorry , but Scott will not be coming to school anymore , and he can 't play with you right now . I 'm sure he doesn 't want to see anyone anyway . I can 't blame him , though , not completely . I think it 's those weirdoes fault more than my boy 's . " Scott 's mother let out a soft wail . " Oh ! So you 're the ' boyfriend ' , well you 're in for a surprise , because your ' girlfriend ' is a boy . Tell your parents that quickly , before you do anything you regret , I hope you haven 't kissed him yet ? " John did , in fact , tell his parents , but he didn 't tell them what Scott 's mother wanted them to know . He told them the entire conversation as best as he could recall , interjecting with his own comments about how she was such a bitch , which was the only way he could describe her ignorance ( since he didn 't pay attention in English and hadn 't remembered the vocabulary word ' ignorance ' he had recently learned ) , which he got yelled at for . His parents understood him though , and didn 't like what they heard . " That may be so . But it 's not our place to change that . She has the right to take him out of school if she wants . " That was the end of John , Alexis , and Nancy 's relations with Scott . None of them were allowed to communicate with Scott at all , they never even saw him . It was like he was a prisoner in his own house , but they couldn 't do anything about it . John felt helpless , and Alexis cried in bed at night , when she thought of Scott , believing herself to be the cause of his imprisonment . On the last day of school , Alexis wrote a little note to Scott reading simply " We miss you so much , " and signed her name , as well as John 's and Nancy 's for them , even though they knew nothing about it . She stuck the note in Scott 's mailbox and walked away . She did not know that Scott would never see it , because Scott 's mother would find it first , rip it up , and throw it out . Nancy reacted much differently . She got angry at first , standing in front of Scott 's house and calling Scott 's mother nasty names for all the neighbors to hear . When she tired of that , she would run around the block , or work extra hard in gym class . At night , she wrote in her diary some of the vilest things she wanted to do to Scott 's mother . And then , just as school ended for the summer , Nancy went through a short grieving phase , feeling sad and sorry for herself , and wishing she still had Scott . . . . really ? What kind of " fucked dipshit " writes this stuff ? First off , this site has a nifty little invention , known as the SEARCH FUNCTION . Second off , every story has these neat little things called TAGS on it . These magical TAGS tell u whats in the story , and are put there to keep peoples " tender sensibilities " from being hurt . If you dont like the story , dont read it . If you read it thinking it was something else , go back and pick a different one . And , if you are to mentally handicapped to understand the function of the " back " button , GTFO the internet ! . . . really ? What kind of " fucked dipshit " writes this stuff ? First off , this site has a nifty little invention , known as the SEARCH FUNCTION . Second off , every story has these neat little things called TAGS on it . These magical TAGS tell u whats in the story , and are put there to keep peoples " tender sensibilities " from being hurt . If you dont like the story , dont read it . If you read it thinking it was something else , go back and pick a different one . And , if you are to mentally handicapped to understand the function of the " back " button , GTFO the internet ! |
Introduction : This is a story about a girl who is born a hermaphrodite , and of her growing up different . This story has a little bit of sex , but it 's mostly plot and characters and all that stuff . Now you know . This was written as a serial on the xnxx forums site , and now the whole thing is here in one big piece for you . I hope you enjoy . Please comment and vote . Alexis Parts 1 - 5 ( Season 1 ) " Do you want to know the sex of the child ? " Dr . Salinzki asked as he placed the ultrasound 's transducer over Anne Williams ' belly . " Your baby should be developed enough by to be able to tell with the ultrasound . " " Okey - doke , " Dr . Salinzki said as the image of Anne 's uterus appeared on the screen . Salinzki studied it for a moment , and he frowned . " Um , Mrs . Williams ? I could be mistaken , but this ultrasound seems to show . . . something . . . " " What 's the problem , doc ? " Jeff said , as his wife gripped his hand harder . Jeff didn 't like to beat around the bush . " It appears to be that way . But the baby is still developing , so it might not come out that way . If you look here - " Salinzki pointed at the screen , " - you can see the penis , and here the testicular sac is forming , but it appears to be forming around a vaginal opening . Now , I don 't mean to worry you if I 'm wrong , so we 'll make some still images of this and send it to the lab , and next month we 'll do another ultrasound , and we may find out I 'm just going cross - eyed . " But Dr . Salinzki was not going cross - eyed , and the next month , when Anne and Jeff went back , the situation remained the same . The baby appeared to be forming a normal set of male genitals , but a vaginal opening still appeared on the sonogram . Mr . and Mrs . Williams had to be prepared for the possibility when the birth came around . " That 's one way of putting it , I suppose . And that , actually , is exactly what it looks like . Your baby is forming male genitals just fine , so the female genitals will not be fully formed when it 's born . So if you want to give your child the surgery , and I recommend it , you will be having a baby boy . " There was a problem , however . When the baby was born , it turns out both sets of genitals were fully formed , which is exceptionally rare . Not many people had ever seen such a thing . Anne and Jeff didn 't know what to do . It was easy enough to name the baby Alex - whether that would be short for Alexis or Alexander was something else - but what gender role should they give their baby ? Dr . Salinzki explained that the baby might grow up being torn between the two gender roles - perhaps wanting to play with Barbie dolls and GI Joes , or the baby might simply gravitate toward one sex or the other , which , if surgery was to be performed , would leave a 50 / 50 shot at getting it right . The alternative - not getting surgery and letting the baby grow and decide for itself - would lead to numerous complications in social life . Things as simple as what bathroom to use might lead to endless embarrassments on the part of the child . Besides , they couldn 't possibly refer to the baby as " it " instead of " he " or " she " . That is until , at the age of eleven , Alex started growing breasts . Alex 's voice never got deeper , and he never grew facial hair , or any other things that happen to boys when they hit puberty . Instead , Alex hit puberty like a girl - breasts , curves , the works ( except for a period of course , as she no longer had that organ ) . And as for fulfilling the masculine gender role : if Alex had been a girl , would she not have simply been labeled a tomboy ? So , for the first ten years of Alex 's life , her parents raised a boy . But faced with obviously feminine puberty , they realized their mistake . They took her to a doctor , who confirmed their fear . Eventually , they sat Alex down and explained the situation . Alex took it well , and understood her parents ' decision at her birth . She did not get mad at them , but she asked plenty of questions and did not stop until she was satisfied . She was curious , rather than outraged , to her parents ' relief . When they finished their conversation , which lasted hours , Alex went off to bed to think about what she had learned . In the morning , she told her parents that she wanted to be referred to as a girl from then on , and she wanted to go out and get a bra . She still liked to dress like a boy - plain shirts and jeans - but she began to shop in the girls ' section . She wore girl 's panties at first , too , but then decided they didn 't seem to fit right , and so stuck with boxers . She still hung out with the boys , because she was still a tomboy of sorts , but she started to grow her hair long . After talking with her school counselor and principal , she was allowed to switch to the girls ' bathroom . All of the students in her school knew now her full story , and she got two reactions . Some people were ok with it , and acted toward as if she were totally a girl , and others , like bullies and bratty girls , ostracized her for being different . She took it with pride , and never let it get to her . Her good friends defended her , and she got in trouble many times for fighting . She may have thought of herself as a girl , but she was not afraid to stand up for herself . By the age of twelve , bullies had already given up confronting her , but behind her back they called her names , Dicksy Chick being the most prevalent and punny . She knew , but she didn 't care . Everyone in the world could know she had a penis , and she wouldn 't care . She was used to it . She discovered that she was attracted to boys , and she was quickly budding into one of the cutest girls in the school . Boys were attracted to her , too , but they would never admit it , and try their damnedest not to show it , because while they might stick up for her against the bullies , it would be social suicide to be seen in that kind of a relationship with Alex . Gay was the word of the day , and liking a dude , no matter if that dude should have been a chick or not , might get you killed by the bullies . She wanted a boyfriend , but even she knew why they didn 't want her . It seemed like an impossible barrier to get over , but then one day she mustered up the courage to get her cute friend Matthew away from the crowd , and asked him point blank if he would go out with her . Before he could think of the consequences , he said yes , and regretted it a moment later . He , like most of the boys in the school , thought she was really cute and really cool , so in the moment she asked , it seemed like an obvious answer to say yes . Alex and Matthew both discovered quite quickly that somehow word had spread , and before they even had a date everyone knew that they were an item . But , to Matthew 's astonishment , everyone supported him , in public and in private . The bullies didn 't go after him , and no one called him gay . Someone once mentioned that he was " taking one for the team , " but no one laughed . The student body was ok with it . Someone else wasn 't . Mrs . Roberts , the history teacher , heard the whispers , and felt the need to tell the principal , who felt the need to call Alex 's and Matthew 's parents . Alex 's parents were thrilled that Alex was going to have a normal relationship . Matthew 's father was not so understanding . Matthew 's father beat him to a bloody pulp , told him he was a good - for - nothing faggot , and was summarily arrested for abusing his son . Alex cried when she heard what had happened to him . She thought it was all her fault . She visited him once in the hospital , but he was bandaged and bloody and sleeping . She cried then , too , and couldn 't bear to see him again like that . Matthew was in the hospital for a month , and was much worse for the wear after he got back . The loss of his father was the worst he suffered , but his new fear compelled him to break up with Alex . They had never had a single date . A boy named John Woods was a bit braver than most students . He was one of many that found Alex attractive , so one day he went to his parents and asked point blank what they would do if he started seeing Alex as a girlfriend . His parents already knew about her , of course , and about what had happened to Matthew . But his parents did not get angry , and after the initial shock of the question , replied as calmly as they could that they would allow it , as long as John knew what he was doing . There was no burst of applause , no cinematic explosion like the end of a cheap movie , but rather the hiss of whispers filled the air . People were apprehensive about this , mostly because they feared John 's safety . They didn 't know his parents had already accepted his decision . John and Alex hung out more during school , and went on two dates , first seeing the latest Harry Potter movie , and then going to the arcade . They held hands in the hallways , but for awhile , that was the most that happened . The school collectively sighed in relief that John wasn 't beat up by his dad , and everything seemed to be going normal , just like any other couple . With summer approaching , Alex and John decided to go mini - golfing for their third date . It turned into a double - date , as they met John 's friends Nancy and Scott there , just as they were starting . They decided to all play together . They all lived fairly close to the mini - golf course , so they walked home afterward . When they reached Alex 's street , Nancy and Scott said they would continue and John could bring Alex to her door . John kissed Alex smack on the lips , but went a little too fast , so Alex almost fell . John caught her , but kept his lips on hers for as long as he thought was good . Both of them lost track of time in that kiss . Alex had obviously never kissed a boy before , and she didn 't know what to do . But she loved it , so after the shock faded she kept her lips tight to his , and closed her eyes to enjoy the kiss more . Alex opened her eyes , and smiled . John gave her a brief hug and said goodbye . Alex wanted to hug him again , and kiss him again , but she knew she wasn 't supposed to . She said goodbye to him , and walked into her house . John walked fast back up the street . He was full of energy quite suddenly and his heart was racing . At the top of the street , Nancy and Scott were waiting . " You did ! You did ! " Nancy shouted gleefully . Scott smiled at John in a way that meant the same thing as what Nancy was doing . That he was happy for them . It was 11 PM , but Alexis wasn 't tired . She usually went to bed around ten , but tonight she was especially horny , and no porn would comfort her . Usually she just looked up shemale porn , because she imagined herself more easily as the shemale than if she looked up plain straight porn or gay porn . Sometimes she watched videos where the shemale received , in others she gave . But today , neither was working . She had a boner , and was working furiously to get rid of it , but she was having a very difficult time . But it wasn 't her dick that was bothering her , really ; it was the loneliness . Alexis and John had been going out for two months now , but they 'd only gotten to first base and lingered there . No matter how many time he told her that he didn 't mind that she had a penis , he simply refused to go any further . He 'd never touched it , he 'd never seen it ; he 'd only seen the bulge in her jeans when she accidently got an erection in school . She hadn 't even yet gotten an erection from kissing him except once , because he stopped too soon and never really got going . They would kiss like he was from the sixteenth century or something : just a peck on the cheek here , long kiss goodnight with no tongue action at all . Only last Friday had they even gotten to French kissing , during a particularly bad movie that they had both decided to see just so they could sit in the back and make out without missing anything good . That was the only time she had gotten an erection as they kissed , and even in the dim theater , she noticed that John had one , too . But they stopped making out when the credits started to roll , so they could have time to calm down before they got up . The closest John got that night to touching her dick was when he put his hand on her thigh , but that wasn 't even when they were Frenching , only after they had stopped . John really liked to just stay above ground , touching her neck in a sensual way , rubbing her back . . . heck , he wouldn 't even touch her tits ! ' Maybe John is just a gentleman , ' she thought . ' Maybe he 's going slow because he thinks I want to go slow . Well I don 't ! I want him to acknowledge me ! Acknowledge I 'm a girl ! Acknowledge I 'm a guy ! Just fondle me already ! ' Aggravated with her lack of help from the internet , Alexis got up and went to the bathroom , naked , hard - on solid with no chance of backing down . Her parents were both in their bedroom with the door closed , and she could hear them trying to have sex quietly , so as not to wake her . It made her feel even worse that they were happily fucking , but she couldn 't even get her boyfriend to touch her tits . Alexis stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom , looking over herself . ' Why wouldn 't he want me ? ' she asked herself . She was budding into a beautiful girl . She was slender , a little bit curvy , with legs that curved delicately into her ass - a tight , cute , white - girl ass that was the envy of the other girls in school . Her belly was a bit flat , but she ate right and exercised , and hoped that would soon curve as finely as the models she 'd seen in Seventeen Magazine . Her tits were smaller than she wanted , too , but she knew she wasn 't done growing yet , and anyway , at her age , they were well - formed perky things with cute little nipples that every guy wanted to fondle - ' except John ' , she thought , and sighed . She was perhaps not the conception of ' hot ' that some girls tried to make themselves , but John called her ' cute ' often , and she thought that was a true compliment . Her face was somewhere between teen - cute and baby - cute , but definitely sweet - cute . She had perfect , almond shaped , spring - green eyes complimenting her straight , sunkist brown hair , which she liked to let drop past her shoulders or put up into a ponytail . Her small mouth fit her delicate chin perfectly , and John loved it when she bit her lower lip when she was deep in thought . He said once that she was ' naturally pretty ' and shouldn 't wear makeup , which was a good thing , because she didn 't like too . She tried it a couple times , but she didn 't like the way she looked . ' Let 's face it , I 'm a tomboy , ' she thought . TomBOY . Then there was , of course , her penis . She looked at it in the mirror , looked at her testes , and decided that , given the fact that it was there , it certainly looked quite feminine . Even fully erect , she didn 't have a single blemish on her penis or testes , no sagging , no veins , no shift to one side like she had seen in some pornos . In fact , it kind of looked like a small child 's organs , being so smooth , its appearance flowing so naturally and easily to her body . Her penis was now over four inches long when erect , yet slim , but certainly still growing . The only thing missing was pubes . Her pubes simply hadn 't grown in . Her legs had started growing hair , and she was shaving them regularly , but not a single hair arrived anywhere near her privates . In a way , it was the cutest little package a girl could hope to have , fitting the rest of her cute little body to the letter . The only thing she didn 't like about her penis was the frenulum , that little part on the underside of the head that looks weird . Well , at least she didn 't have to look at it often . She looked at her body in the mirror , turning around to look at her ass , turning it back to look at her breasts , and finding , really , no imperfections . ' Why doesn 't John like me ? And why won 't this freaking hard - on die already ! ' She grabbed her dick and fiercely stroked it before just giving up . She was in no mood to try to suck it , and she couldn 't find any porn to get rid of it . ' Do boys have this much trouble ? ' she thought , and went back to bed in frustration . John Woods , himself , was having much the same problem . He had a boner that would not quit . He , too , tried looking at whatever porn he could find , but nothing worked . He couldn 't look at porn anymore . It just felt like . . . betrayal a bit . Jerking off to fantasies that weren 't about Alexis were getting harder and harder to do . Alexis would always come back into his mind . It was weird , at first , because he couldn 't imagine what it would be like to have sex with her . Obviously , vaginal was out of the question , and even when he tried to imagine her with one , it just didn 't sit right with him . So he tried to imagine getting a blowjob from her , but her cute , innocent face wasn 't capable of going anywhere near his dick . Then he considered anal , and that was alright for a while , but he couldn 't really imagine that , either . He couldn 't imagine what her penis would be doing the entire time . Would she have a boner ? Would she be flaccid ? Would she cum ? Would her dick bounce around a bit ? Then last night John had a wet dream , where he was lying on the grass on a hill nearby the school , lying naked with Alexis . She wasn 't sucking his dick , exactly - she was kissing it gently , more like . Like as if she were pecking him on the cheek , only more slowly and sensually . As she was about to part her lips and put her tongue to his dick , he changed his mind , and got onto his stomach . He held one of her feet , and began kissing it , the moved to her ankle , her calf , her knee , her thigh - and then her dick was in front of his face . It was flaccid , just resting casually on her balls like he wasn 't doing anything at all erotic . He figured that he ought to take the plunge , and finally kissed her penis . It made not motion to rise , no recognition of what he 'd done . He kissed it again , and again , and then finally just opened his mouth and let her dick slip in . The head of her dick was barely in his mouth when he came - and he woke up . He couldn 't stop himself , even though he immediately snapped out of his dream . His boxers got wet , his sheets got wet ; it was a mess . Even with masturbation , John would sometimes have wet dreams , and it was strange sometimes where his mind went when he wasn 't directing it . ' But . . . oh , why not ? ' he thought , ' Why not just get over the fact that she has a dick and let her USE it ? ' So John stopped the video he was watching and closed his eyes , imagining them naked on that hill - or better yet , and that movie when they started Frenching . . . yeah , that was a good day . John had wanted to go farther that day , much farther , but he just wasn 't sure how . ' Well , now is the time to correct that mistake , ' he thought . ' So , we 're sitting in the movie , and I 'm kissing her - WE ' RE kissing each other - and I move my hand to her waist . . . do I want to go up or down ? Touch her tits , or - oh , for Christ 's sake DOWN ! I reach inside her pants and grab her - penis . She 's hard . . . she makes a grab for me - she unbuttons my jeans . . . unzips my fly . . . wraps a finger around my dick . . . she smiles as she kisses me , I can feel it . . . Her whole hand grabs my dick . I grab hers , and I begin to stroke . We 're not wearing clothes anymore . . . we 're just naked in the movie . We 're stroking off each other . . . We 're - ' John came rather suddenly , and he wasn 't prepared . He didn 't have his tissues at hand , and he was still sitting at his computer . Cum shot onto his keyboard , onto his hand , down the side of his dick - ' shit , now it 's getting in my pubes ! ' John thought to himself . This would be a mess to clean up , especially the keyboard . Was it even worth all that trouble ? The next day , after school , Alexis and John hung out at the skatepark with a few of their friends . John was feeling good , but Alexis looked dead tired . She didn 't tell John , but her boner really had kept her up much of the night . She never got it to go down , and didn 't recall falling asleep . She was relieved that it wasn 't there when she woke up in the morning , but she didn 't like the sexual frustration at all . She didn 't know what to do , because John didn 't want to do anything sexual with her . John took that as his cue , and promptly hugged her . Alexis was swept up in it , for a moment ; she loved the closeness of him , the feeling of his body against hers , how her chest was being squished just a bit against his chest , the pressure of his leg against hers , against her dick . She wasn 't sure how long the hug lasted , but she felt him kiss her temple , and whisper in her ear " Please feel better . I was hoping we 'd do something tonight . " She thought about it , and John noticed she had a dazed look on her face , and , thinking maybe she was serious about getting no sleep , so he said " You alright ? You sure you 're ok to stay awake tonight ? Or maybe we could just call this short , like go to my house , make some coffee , and just play some games or something ? " Before she could answer , he shouted to his friends " Hey ! We 're gonna go ! See ya later ! " and started to pull Alexis along with him . To both of them , the walk seemed to last forever , and then when it was over it seemed like it took no time at all . They reached John 's house , and he led her in . John 's parents weren 't home from work yet , so they had the house to themselves . John was as nervous as she was , but he didn 't show it . Instead , he showed total confidence , and acted quite like his normal self . He did show his concern for her , repeatedly asking her how she was feeling , but she just kept saying she was fine , not even noticing how many time he asked her . Despite finishing his cup long before Alexis did , John decided not to talk to her while she sipped her cupped . He wasn 't sure what to say and didn 't want to keep asking her how she was . He poured himself another cup , and finished even that one before she finished her first . Finally he could take it no more , so he took her cup out of her hands and put it on the table . He took her by the hands and led her upstairs to his bedroom . Her senses went on high alert when she realized where he was leading her , but she realized that something was finally going to happen . If they were just going to make out , they would just stay on the couch , maybe start by watching TV and moving on . But John was trouncing on protocol , but Alexis was ok with it . They sat down on John 's bed , and started kissing . John was his usual , sensual self , starting slow , not jamming his mouth into hers like he had somewhere to be , but opening her mouth up gently . His hands began at her neck , rubbing her shoulders , then down and to her front . He placed a hand on her breast , above the shirt , but that didn 't matter much to Alexis . He was going for it , and it felt good . He placed his other hand on her other breast , and fondled them gently , just as he would massage her back . Finally , Alexis decided to take off her shirt , followed quickly by her bra . John went back to groping them , but was kissing at a bit of a faster pace now . He was so delighted that he was showing his appreciation through his kisses , and through his hands . John pulled away from her mouth , no matter how much he wanted to continue exploring it with his tongue , and kissed her chin , the moved down to her neck , slowly down to breast . . . When his mouth got there , he took one hand away , and then kissed a line down to her nipple . Having never played with a girl 's tits before , he wasn 't sure what to do with his mouth down there , but he sort of remembered what to do from pornos , so he started sucking her tit . He though he looked a little ridiculous , like he was trying to get milk out of her or something , but when he glanced up , she didn 't even have her eyes open anymore . She had given in to simply feeling everything he was doing . Alexis was getting a hard - on , and a thought briefly flitted through her mind ' What if he gets scared now ? ' But it disappeared and was replaced with no thought at all . She could not think , only feel . John , too , was getting an erection , and feeling it push against his jeans , he took it as his cue to see what hers was doing . Staying with his mouth on her breast , flicking her nipple with his tongue , John reached his hand down to her jeans and placed it lightly on her crotch . He could feel her penis , getting harder as he touched it . John gently nudged Alexis so she was lying down , and he managed to take her jeans off . Only her bulging boxers stood between him and her penis . Only to torture himself , to postpone seeing what he desperately wanted to see , he kissed her from her breast down to her waistline . When he kissed her waist , she inhaled deeply . It was the greatest sound he 'd ever heard , because it was the sound of her pleasure . He pulled her boxers the rest of the way off , then took off her socks . Just like in his dream , he began at her feet . He kissed her toes , and as he did so , she gasped again and spread her toes wide . His kissed each one , then kissed the bottom of her foot , moving on to her ankle , calf , knee . . . When John got to her thigh , he had a plain view of her cock in front of him , and it was the closest his face had ever been to it . Her dick was in the air , waiting impatiently to be touched . But John put it off , taking extra long to kiss her thigh , then finally moved on , and without thinking , kissed her sac . She moaned now , and her sac and penis bounced a little . He kissed her sac again . This was just too much for her . In her ecstasy , Alexis had wanted to cum since John kissed her waist , and had spent all her energy preventing herself from cumming thus far . But she could hold it in no longer , and when he kissed her sac again , this time parting his lips , she had an orgasm . The cum went into the air and landed all over her stomach . Her dick spasmed a lot , trying to get every last little bit of cum out of her system . As she came , she wrapped her legs around John and squeezed him tight . John was surprised , but . . . he was ok with this . He got her off and he had never even touched her dick . But now , even though it didn 't matter , he still wanted to . John moved his lips from her sac to the base of her dick , and he kissed it . Her dick convulsed again from the sensitivity . He kissed it again and again , a little farther up each time , and it kept convulsing . Finally , he reached the head , where cum was still dripping . John got up and went to the bathroom . He was already chiding himself for being a pussy . But he got the towel , and wiped up her cum , and told her to just rest . ' Well , ' John thought , ' you did it . You went all the way . Well , not ALL all the way , but as far as she was going , anyway . ' Alexis dozed , naked , in John 's bed , while John left her sleeping and went to the bathroom . His erection was dying , due to the voice in his head telling him he was a pussy for not so much as touching Alexis ' cum . He knew , going into this relationship , that if it ever came time to discover each other 's bodies , that would have to be something he would have to do . She had a penis ; it was as simple as that . It worked properly and now he had seen it , touched it , kissed it - but he would not take that one last hurdle : he could not touch her cum . ' What 's wrong with it ? ' John thought , staring himself down in the mirror . ' It was just cum , for Christ 's sake . You touch yours all the time . Ok , you don 't eat it , but you cum in your hand sometimes , and it 's not a bad feeling . ' Another voice butted in the conversation of his mind : ' Yeah , but it 's hers . Not yours . It 's like another guy 's cum . ' ' No , it 's not , it 's Alexis ' cum , ' the first part of his brain retorted . ' It 's hers , and you love her . You just made her cum , you made a girl cum , so you 've hit it big , and there are no problems . ' ' Uh - huh . Do you really expect you 'll ever eat her cum ? Put it in your mouth even ? You know chicks swallow cum , you 've seen that shit in porn . Can you handle it ? ' John went to the toilet and unzipped his pants . He pulled his flaccid dick out and began to play with it . With all of his effort , he put the voices on hold and tried to remember exactly what had just happened with Alexis . ' I kissed her . I kissed her all over . I finally took her shirt off , and my God , that was amazing . I saw a girl 's tits for the first time in my life . I played with them . I even sucked them . Well , ok , just one , but still . ' ' I took her pants off . I took her underwear off . I got to see her totally naked , and she was beautiful . I saw her boner . I . . . I wanted to suck it . I really wanted to . But I didn 't . I kissed her feet , her legs , and then I kissed her balls . And she came just from that . How could she cum just from that ? ' But then John imagined the situation reversed , and he imagined her stripping him , and kissing his sac , except in his imagination she was gripping his dick and stroking it . She kissed his balls so sensually . . . and then . . . sticking her tongue out , she licked his sac . It was the force and suddenness with which this fantasy turned from sensual to sexy that he almost came right there . He stopped himself for barely two seconds so he could cover his head with his left hand , and he jizzed into it . His legs felt shaky as he came , and he wanted to hold the wall , but one hand was on his member and the other was catching cum , so he forced himself to stay afloat . When he thought he was drained , he looked at the amount in his hand . It was ok , considering he had masturbated the night before , as well . It looked a little watery , but sometimes that happened . John brought the hand up to his face and looked at his cum carefully . He sniffed it , and it smelled no different than usual . The cum was becoming more watery the more he stared , and he knew that if he was going to do this , it was now or never . Now or never , John . He - he couldn 't do it . He just couldn 't do it at all . He chickened out again . He just walked to the sink and washed his hands , letting his cum go down the drain . ' Why ? Why can 't I do it ? Why do I fight with myself ? I have to do it eventually . I want to do it . So what are you afraid of , you fuckin ' pussy ? ' He was still growing , nowhere near the end of puberty at all . He still looked so young . He was like a baby compared to how much more grown in Alexis was . Then again , so was every boy in eighth grade , but still . He was a cute boy , not quite baby - cute , and not a high - school - guy - cute , but just something in between . He shaved his face , but not for any reason but to say he did , for he wasn 't growing and facial hair as far as he could tell . He had dark auburn hair , wavy and cut to his ears , a heart - shaped face ending in an ever - so - slight cleft chin , and Air Force blue eyes pulled just slightly , as if there were one Asian in his family two generations back or something . Alexis absolutely adored his eyes , and said once that she ' could get lost in them for days ' - something John could have sworn he heard in a movie , but that was ok , because the way she said it made it not matter . He just wanted to grow up already , not just to fill out but to grow out of his immaturity - and he knew that 's what it was to not want to put Alexis ' cum in his mouth . He knew high school kids that always talked out eating pussy and how their girlfriends would cum - to be honest he 'd never seen a woman cum in porn , and he didn 't think it was quite the same , at least the way he learned it in sex ed . But Alexis , she could cum , and if a high school kid were in his position , he 'd know how to make the best of it . ' So just grow up already , ' he told himself . Alexis slept for twenty minutes before the caffeine from her coffee earlier kicked in . She woke up without feeling too groggy ; in fact , she felt much more awake than she had all day . It was something much better than sleep that made her rested - it was what John did with her . She remembered , quite suddenly , with crystal clarity , exactly what had occurred . She had been so wiped she had drifted off to sleep , but she would apologize to John for that and make it up to him . After all , she had gotten what she wanted . He groped her chest , got her naked , even went so far as to kiss her dick ! Maybe he would have done more , but she just couldn 't hold in the night of sexual frustration anymore . She had released , and with it , the best orgasm of her life , because John was kissing her as she came . Hell , he wasn 't just kissing her , he was kissing her sac ! She knew that she would make it up to him as soon as possible . Alexis looked up at him . " No , I 'm sorry . I 'm sorry I fell asleep and I 'm sorry I came so quickly . I tried to hold it in , but I couldn 't help it . I want to make it up to you . I want to do to you what you did to me . " " And I want to get you naked . I want us to both be naked together . I want to make you cum just the way you made me cum . " " No , don 't cry , please don 't cry . It isn 't about you , don 't blame anything on yourself . You are the prettiest girl I 've ever met , and I love you . The problem I 'm having is . . . it 's hard to explain . It 's like . . . you ever want to do something so bad , like your mind wanted to , but your body was afraid to do it ? " " Exactly , just like that . Like , you want to skateboard , you see kids do it and think it 's cool , or when we watch Rodney Mullen videos and want to learn all his tricks , but then when you get on the board and your standing at the top of the half - pipe and your legs just go numb and you can 't move . . . well , that 's what I 'm feeling . I love you , and I want to make you feel good , I want more than anything in the world to make you feel good - " " I know , and I was happy with that . And the more I think about it , the more I think I could give you head , I could enjoy doing that , and I want to try it , but then , when you came , I mean . . . I wanted to lick it up . I wanted to put your cum in my mouth , because that 's what I see in porn , but it just . . . it just seemed gross to me . And I don 't mean it about you , don 't take it that way . I don 't know how to explain it . I guess I 'm just a pussy - " John stopped , because now he was getting ready to cry . Alexis took all this in , and understood that it was nothing for either of them to cry about . " No , John , you 're not a pussy at all . You 're brave , John . You were brave when you walked up to me that day and asked me out for the first time , right in front of everybody . You were brave the first time you kissed me on my doorstep . You were brave today when you undressed me . You kissed me where I didn 't think you ever would . I understand if you have limits - " " But I don 't want limits . I want to be able to give you head and let you have an orgasm in my mouth . I want to be a good boyfriend to you . " " Then we 'll work it out , " Alexis said . " We 'll find a way to get you over this . In the meantime , I 'm ok with it . This is just the beginning . This is the first time we 've done anything like this . Just don 't worry about that stuff right now and enjoy yourself . Enjoy me . " Over the next week , John and Alexis did not have much time to themselves . There was homework to be done , and when there wasn 't , Scott and Nancy kept getting in their way , trying to pull John and Alexis apart to try to learn separately what had happened the day they had suddenly left the skatepark . Scott thought they might have gone all the way , and wanted to know all the details , but Nancy thought Alexis had looked sad that day , like maybe one of her relatives had died . On Saturday afternoon , John and Alexis hung out at the skatepark , as usual , since it was free , trying to learn new flips or grind on the funbox . Both Nancy and Scott were there , as well as many other students they knew and didn 't know . Nancy and Scott were still trying to get answers even a week later , as if their own love lives could not possibly be as interesting as John and Alexis ' . But for the past week , despite frustrations , John and Alexis had renewed energy , and seemed so much happier than they ever had . Scott and Nancy had a hard time keeping up with them at the skatepark to even attempt a conversation . They were getting furious , and John and Alexis relished frustrating them , just to let them taste what they had been going through over the past week . John still had his little hangup , but he knew that Alexis would help him through it . In fact , now , knowing that he had already gone so far with her , and knowing that when the time came , he would be ready for everything , he couldn 't be happier in life . He had a girlfriend that he was in love with , and he was exploring her sexually . The halfpipe was the only thing in the park most skaters under fifteen never tried . It was ten feet tall with a ramp going up one side , all made of concrete . It was alright to try with a bike , but the speed you could get on a skateboard was frightening , and there were legends of young kids pressing their luck on it and winding up with broken bones and bloody faces . There were tales of ten year olds being killed on it . Thirteen wasn 't too much older than ten . But John was feeling good today , feeling lucky . He just figured out how to do a Front Foot Impossible yesterday , which he had been trying to get for months . The first time he finally did it , he got it perfect , and couldn 't get it since then , but that was good enough is his book , for now . The halfpipe meant something more than learning a new flip trick . It meant , to John , that he could face any fear . If he could do this , he could without a doubt get over his sexual reservations . He gained speed quickly flying down the halfpipe , got a bit of speed wobble as he hit the flat bottom , but lost the wobble and all the speed coming up the other side . John did not reach the opposite ledge , but instead stopped almost right at it , and slid back down . His speed picked up again on the return trip , but did not let him get very high before sliding back down again . John stopped his board in front of her , stepped off it , and embraced her . She didn 't stop shaking or hug him back , because she was trapped in the past . She could still see John at the top of the half - pipe , or coming down the first time , coming close to bailing , and rewind . . . That snapped her out of it . She continued to shake , but she hugged him , and began to cry . She didn 't know why she was crying ; she knew that John was safe . When she pulled her lips away , she stammered " Why ? Why did you do that ? " If last week , Nancy and Scott questioned why they had left the park so suddenly , there was absolutely no doubt today . Nancy and Scott , however , weren 't that far alone in their relationship or in there sexual needs just yet , so Nancy didn 't ask " Why don 't we do that ? " although the question to did flit through her mind . John and Alexis went to John 's house , and with no cars in the driveway , that took it as a sign that they could finally be alone again . John fumbled with his key at the door , and when he finally got it , was pushed inside by Alexis . Alexis led now , pulling John into his bedroom , and shutting the door when John forgot to . John was still half hard , but his dick picked right back up again when Alexis kissed him , pushing his back against the door . As they kissed , John groped her tits . John could feel that her nipples were hard under her shirt and bra . John didn 't protest as Alexis slid to her knees and unbuttoned his jeans . He didn 't watch her do it , but looked away . He knew that very soon he 'd be getting his first blowjob from the girl he loved , and she looked so goddamned cute that he simply could not imagine it . She looked so innocent that to see such a thing would probably make him faint . In no time and after forever , John felt Alexis ' lips , kissing the head of his cock . He gasped . Just to have her down there , just to have her playing with it would be enough to get him off , but she was going to suck it . And he wanted this to last . He thought he could have cum already , but he used all his will power to keep his orgasm in . John felt Alexis kiss his shaft , then open her mouth and lick . She licked the length of his cock , then quickly put the head in her mouth , and sucked it . This would not be a slow , sensual sex act like they had before . No , they were goddamned horny , and Alexis wanted John 's cock in her mouth . Besides , this was his reward for surviving the day , and she wanted to make it special . She then took his dick back out and licked the bottom of the shaft , looking up at him . She saw he was looking away , so she tapped his hip with her finger to get his attention . She wanted him to see what she was doing for him , not just feel it . That was it . John could not hold it in any longer . The sight was too much for him to handle . He came , moaning , squirting a saved week 's worth of cum onto her face , forehead , and into her hair . John smacked his fist against the door as his legs got shaky . After about five or thirty five items , Alexis came down the stairs and entered the kitchen , sporting a smile . She waved casually and said " Hi all , " and stood next to John . John looked at her , and was relieved to see she had no cum on her face at all , or even in her hair , but her hair did look a little wet . He prayed that nobody would notice . " No , it didn 't ruin it , " John said after a long pause . It wasn 't the blowjob that had been ruined , really , it was the end of orgasm that was ruined . He was so shocked when he heard his mother call up to him that the last half of his orgasm barely registered to him . " It just . . . made it more memorable , " he said , and smiled at her . " Not memorable in the way I wanted , " Alexis said , feeling defeated . She had worked so hard over the past week to get John alone so she could repay him for the pleasure he gave her , and she knew he was lying when he said it wasn 't ruined . His first blowjob had been ruined by his parents . If it was his second , or third , or any time besides first , it would have made her laugh , but she wanted John 's first to feel special . John sat next to Alexis on the floor , both of them leaning back against his bed . He looked at her , seeing the sad look on an adorable face that would not look at him back , instead searching the TV for distraction . He kissed her softly on the cheek . " Hey , " he said , and she turned to him , " you are the one who made it memorable . You gave me the most memorable experience of my life . " He paused , and changed his tone : " I don 't think I 'll ever forget the sight of my cum all over your face . " " Liked giving you a blowjob . . . . I liked knowing that you liked it . I liked seeing you try to hold it back for me , because you wanted it to last . That made me very happy . At first I didn 't like the fact that you wouldn 't look at me , until I realized why , then I liked that , too . . . . I really liked it when you came . " " I ate it . I ate as much as I could . Then I washed my face after that - but don 't worry , John ! " Alexis said , seeing the pained look on his face . " You don 't have to swallow mine if you don 't want to . All you need to do is do what you 've been doing . I love you , and I loved what you did to me last week . " " No , I understand . Besides , I did the same thing to you , so we 're even now . " John was a little disappointed , and a little angry , but not angry at her . He was angrier at his parents , but placing the blame on them hadn 't quite registered in his mind yet . His emotions were just so mixed up he wasn 't sure what he was feeling . They heard the doorbell ring downstairs , and the loud chatter of John 's mother as she greeted whoever was at the door . Five minutes later , John and Alexis heard footsteps up the stairs . They looked at the doorway and saw Scott and Nancy enter . " You forgot your boards at the park . We went to Alexis 's house first , but you guys weren 't there , so . . . " Scott trailed off , assuming the rest of the story was obvious enough . " I thought you guys went home to . . . " Scott began , but couldn 't finish , instead waiting for John to look at him . When he did , Scott gave a wink . " Can we cut the euphemisms out ? " Nancy said , plopping onto John 's bed . She thought she used the word ' euphemisms ' correctly , as she had just learned it in English class a few days before , and felt proud that she had worked it into the conversation . " I want to know exactly what you guys did , and I want to know if you 've gone further than me and Scott have . " Scott flushed red . He really did not want to have that kind of conversation with others . He was being very hesitant with Nancy , and felt afraid to go very far with her . He hadn 't gone beyond kissing a bit with her , but even that felt a little weird . Scott hadn 't even really discovered himself yet , so he wasn 't ready to start discovering girls . He wasn 't embarrassed to kiss Nancy , not even in public , but when she grabbed his ass or tried to put her tongue in his mouth he would get cold feet , and would usually have to stop making out with her , because he didn 't yet understand the physical feelings he had . Nancy , on the other hand , was a girl who was ready for anything . She was developing at an alarming rate , and wanted to be a grown up already , or at least a teenager . She wanted to experiment with boys instead of just seeing the science of it in sex ed class . She hadn 't yet looked at porn , although she knew it was out there , but instead read her mother 's trashy romance novels whenever she could . She didn 't exactly get wet reading them , but she fantasized that she was the beautiful girl in every novel , losing her virginity to a strong , handsome man . In her mind that man was usually Scott , although a bit more grown up , but sometimes it was Johnny Depp or even Colin Farrell . " And then my mom came home ! " John said , laughing . " Right as I was doing it ! " He no longer felt any anger at his parents . Right now was a time to look back on it and laugh , even if it was only twenty minutes ago . Because to the bunch of giggling schoolchildren , it was a hilarious and taboo thing to hear . " Eww ! " Nancy said , but she wasn 't grossed out at all . She was seeing the moment in her mind , seeing Alexis fretting in front of the bathroom mirror , trying to get the stickiness out of her hair . Nancy 's laughter died , and was replaced by a look of total shock on her face . Now this wasn 't hilarious anymore , this was juicy gossip . Nancy knew that she would be having a hell of a time keeping this between just themselves . " Ohmygod , what did it taste like ? I heard it tastes gross ! " " No . No , I loved it , " Alexis said , and kissed John on the cheek . John blushed a little , but felt pride more than anything . He wasn 't sure why he was prideful , but it probably wasn 't because his cum tasted good . He was proud of having a girlfriend that loved him , and that swallowed . He knew even just from watching porn that lots of girls didn 't do that , and they were paid to . Now that Scott had suddenly become the center of attention , he was no longer laughing . He turned beet red again , and wanted to leave immediately . He didn 't even want Nancy to have this conversation without him there . He just wanted the subject dropped altogether . " Yes , but this one wants to go slow , " Nancy said , squeezing Scott tighter . " Well , Scotty , get any ideas from them ? John said it was awesome . " " Oh my god , you know what we could do ? " Alexis said in a conspiratorial tone . " Monday , after school , my folks work . We could all go to my house , and look through their closet for porno tapes ! " " Your parents have porno ? " Nancy said , wide - eyed . " I wanna see it ! If that doesn 't give Scotty any ideas , he 's hopeless . " Science class was the prime time for Nancy and Alexis to talk , as they sat next to each other , and their boyfriends were not in the same class with them . They could giggle and fawn over hot movie stars or even cute boys in school without getting their boyfriends jealous . Nancy and Alexis tended to have different tastes in guys . Alexis liked the cute boys that resembled John , and Nancy liked the more mature boys that were nothing like Scott at all . Nancy couldn 't wait for the school year to get over with , and for the next school year after that , so she could finally get into high school where all the hot , fully developed guys were . She counted off the days left in school , and by her count there were ten , including today . Then came glorious summer vacation , when she could go to the beach everyday and look at the muscular men in swimsuits . It wasn 't that Nancy found Scott unattractive - in fact she thought he was very cute - but she just liked MEN a bit more than boys . She wanted to have sex , too . She wanted to do to Scott what Alexis had done to John , and she wanted to go further than that . Her mom 's trashy romance novels were taking up her dreams , but she wanted them to take up her waking life , except for real instead of on paper . She actually wasn 't even really sure if Scott was the one she wanted to lose her virginity to , but she loved him like she loved puppies , and she didn 't understand the difference between the way a puppy or Scott made her feel and the way the high school jocks made her feel when she looked at them . She knew there was a difference , but she couldn 't quite place it . But in any case , she really wanted to know what sex was like , and Scott was her boyfriend , after all . He just took it too slow for her liking . She 'd been trying to push him for over a month now , but he wouldn 't get past kissing . Even after they had learned what Alexis and John had done , Scott didn 't open up . He had told her that he was happy the way things were , and thought the idea of putting his penis in her mouth was kind of gross , like he didn 't know if he 'd be able to kiss her again after she did that . That was about as frank as he got , and then changed the topic by saying that he would not watch porn with her if she was going to try anything like that . Nancy finally gave in , and said they would watch it just to see what it was like , and if it grossed him out , they would leave . Scott grudgingly agreed . " Ohmygod Ineverdid ! " Alexis nearly shrieked , and when Mrs . Baker looked up again , Alexis grew red . She was so excited to tell Nancy exactly what had happened the week before , about how great it was that John had gone down on her , that she simply couldn 't tell her now for fear that everyone would hear . " Okay ! " Nancy said , and raced out the door , heading for the nearest girls ' bathroom , where Alexis was just dying to spill the beans . They spent the rest of the class period in the bathroom discussing every detail Alexis could remember , which was everything . Alexis and John both knew how hot Internet porn was , and expected Alexis ' parents ' video stash to be no different . They knew they would both have raging hard - ons as they watched , fighting to get out . They expected this to be a kind of torture . If Nancy and Scott hadn 't been invited to watch with them , John thought this might have been the perfect opportunity to give Alexis another blowjob , a proper one this time , like she gave him , and maybe , just maybe , he 'd find himself brave enough to swallow her cum . But , that wasn 't the case , and John thought that it would at least be fun to show some porn to Nancy and Scott . Maybe if Scott liked it , he might finally start to discover his sexuality . And if Nancy and Scott moved their relationship to the next level , they would probably be so involved with each other that they would leave John and Alexis alone . Not that John didn 't like Scott and Nancy ; he just wanted to start spending a lot more time alone with Alexis . John daydreamed throughout the day , fantasizing about Alexis a lot , but also thinking about what would happen when the foursome watched the porn tapes . What if Nancy and Scott got so excited , they started making out , and playing with each other , and then Alexis and John could do the same ? What if they all got so horny they all got naked together and . . . ? John wasn 't sure he was too comfortable showing himself to anyone but Alexis , and he didn 't want Alexis to show herself to anybody else , either . Alexis also wasn 't sure what to expect with their little field trip to porno land . She expected to get as horny as John , but she wondered how Nancy and Scott would take it . After all , Scott was extremely hesitant , and might get embarrassed , grossed out , or even get angry and leave . Nancy would find out that there was a very big difference between trashy romance novels and porn , and who knows how she 'd react . Maybe she 'd find it gross too . " I know , I was just saying hi , " John said and kissed her quickly again . " I 'll try not to get sexy when we watch the porn , but it 'll be hard . Get it ? ' It 'll be hard ' ? " " Yeah , I get it . It 'll ' be hard ' for me too , but try to keep it from going wild , okay ? Let 's just try to act like we 're watching a regular movie . " " No , pretend like we 're watching a GOOD movie that we both want to see . Ooh ! I 'll make popcorn ! " Alexis said , and ran to the kitchen . John rolled his eyes , but followed her . He found her in front of the microwave , trying to figure out which side of the bag of popcorn to put ' down ' . John hugged her from behind , moving his hands along her waist . He slipped his hand down the front of her jeans , cupping the organs he found . Alexis gasped , and pushed her ass against him . She loved feeling John 's hand holding her dick and balls , and got half - hard as she tried to put the popcorn in the microwave . She couldn 't even focus enough to press the right buttons on the microwave , and finally just gave in to enjoying John 's hand completely . She almost unbuttoned her jeans when the doorbell rang again , and she snapped back to reality . " Ok , let 's go ! " she said , and led the way into the TV room , carrying the bowl , John carrying the drinks . She set the popcorn down on the coffee table , John following her lead with the soda . Alexis then led them all upstairs to her parents ' room , and into their walk - in closet . At the back of the closet was a big chest . Alexis opened it , and removed a thick quilt from it , revealing over a dozen porno tapes . " So what do you guys want to see ? " Alexis said , shuffling through the tapes . " We 've got ' Back Door Sluts 9 ' , ' Crotch Capers 3 ' , ' Naughty Nurses 2 ' - " " Ok , " Alexis said . " What else ? ' The Secret Garden ' . . . that isn 't ' The Secret Garden ' I know . . . ' The Devil in Miss Jones ' . . . " " Ooh , I like the sound of that . Sounds sacrilegious , " Nancy said . ' Sacrilegious ' was another vocab word she had just learned in English class . Nancy and Scott followed Alexis back to the TV room while John opened the trunk back up again and picked another movie . When he came back down , he was ecstatic . " Listen to this ! ' Date from Hell ' it 's called , and it says on it : ' You have entered another dimension . . . and some loser still follows you here ! ' " Nancy sat down in the middle of the couch , pulling Scott down next to her on the right . John sat down on the left , and with no room left , Alexis just sat on John 's lap . John wrapped his arms around her , keeping her butt down hard against his dick . Nancy grabbed the bowl of popcorn and snuggled next to Scott , putting her head on his shoulder . The nurse stood up and took her top off , revealing DD tits and gigantic nipples . She crossed a leg over the patient so she was riding him , and brought her tits into his face . The patient put his head between her boobs and shook his head violently , making a raspberry noise . They had to stop watching after that scene and move on to ' Rectal Rooter ' , but it wasn 't any better . They found everything that happened to be funnier than any comedy they 'd ever seen . Not only was the acting horrid , but the sex in itself was silly , and before long they were commenting on the porn like they were the robots in ' Mystery Science Theater 3000 ' . Alexis , John , Scott , and Nancy were so interested in the movie they forgot they were watching porn . They forgot they had been laughing , and took in everything just as any drama should be watched . Nancy picked up the popcorn again and crunched loudly , wide - eyed , wanting to know what was going on . John didn 't know what to do . He was scared or Mr . Williams , but he wanted to be a man and protect the girl he loved . His flight - or - fight instinct clouded his brain , and in an instant , he chose flight . " You don 't understand . My parents won 't even let me see rated R movies . I got in trouble when I saw one once . What do you think they 'll do when they find out I watched p - porn ! " " They won 't do anything , Scott , " Nancy said , but she didn 't believe it herself now . She had always wondered why Scott was so shy , why he always acted so nervous around his own parents , or anybody 's parents , but she had never seen them get angry before . Maybe they would do something to him , after all . John stopped paying attention to them . He had his own thoughts to deal with now . He knew his parents wouldn 't care that he had watched porn , maybe they 'd lecture him or ground him , but that wasn 't a big deal . What mattered to him was that he had just walked away from his girlfriend . ' I 'm supposed to love her , aren 't I ? ' he thought to himself . ' If I love her , why didn 't I stand with her ? ' ' Maybe that 's why I chickened out , ' John thought . ' Maybe I assumed he wouldn 't be that angry as soon as he calmed down . No , John , you 're lying to yourself . You 're just a pussy . Get over it . ' Alexis ' father sighed . " Okay . I 'll talk about it with your mother when she gets home , and we 'll decide on an appropriate punishment . For now , clean up the mess you and your friends made . I think the soda will stain . " When Nancy and Scott reached Scott 's house , they discovered that Scott 's mom was already home . Nancy had to drag Scott into his own house to face his own mother . He finally gave up struggling and protesting when she got him through the doorway , and just hung his head in shame . " There you are , " Scott 's mother said when she saw him . " Supper 's almost ready . I was getting worried . I called Nancy 's house but no one answered . " " Enough dear ! " Scott 's mother said , getting heated . " I don 't want to have an argument with you . I know he looks like a girl , because his weirdo parents make him look like one , but he has boy parts where is counts . Personally , I think they should be locked up for doing that . I don 't care if they wanted a girl , they got a boy and there 's no changing that . I will call your parents later and have them explain it to you . End of conversation . " Nancy wasn 't so sure she would be able to tell Scott 's mother about the porn now . Scott 's mother didn 't understand that Alexis was a girl , and thought her parents were ' weirdoes ' , so Nancy had no idea how she might react to the porn . She apparently didn 't like anything that wasn 't considered ' normal ' , and twelve - year - olds watching porn was probably not ' normal ' to her . It was no wonder to Nancy now why Scott was so shy . " I don 't remember ; I put them away already . It was weird , actually ; they were just watching it like a normal movie . They had popcorn . " Anne laughed . " Oh , dumb kid stuff . You know they 're getting around that age anyway . I 'm sure she 's seen worse things on the Internet . She shouldn 't be watching that stuff , of course , and she certainly shouldn 't be showing her friends , but there 's not much we can do . " " Do you really think that 's necessary ? What did you do when you were their age ? Don 't you think you wouldn 't want your parents finding out ? " " No , that 's Scott I think . Nancy 's boyfriend . He 's twelve too . You should pay more attention to Alexis ' friends . Who else ? " " Do you have your friends ' phone numbers ? " her mother repeated . " You 're not in trouble , but don 't go showing your friends that stuff anymore . But I still need to tell their parents . " " Oh , don 't worry about it , Jeff . They 're getting about that age , you know , when they start to get curious . Hell , I 've caught my son a few times looking at porn on the Internet , I 'm sure what he saw at your house was mild compared to some of the crap on there . In fact , don 't tell Alexis I know this , but I think I caught them the other day . . . um , experimenting , shall we say ? No , I didn 't see them , but I think I came home at the wrong time , and John seemed really embarrassed , you know ? And his fly was unzipped , but I won 't get into all the details , I guess that 's just between my son and your daughter . I mean , these kids are getting more sexually active these days ; I never even kissed a girl till I was seventeen , and these kids at twelve . . . still , that 's the way of things now . " " Oh , she was bound to find out sooner or later . She 's getting that age , you know . I mean , we have that parental blocker software to keep her off Internet porn , but with what she sees on TV anyway . . . She steals my romance novels , you know . I figure it 's better to read about it classy than watch vulgar stuff on the Internet , so I don 't do anything about it . . . but like I said , it 's really not a big deal , but thanks for telling me . I 'll talk to her about it , and make sure she doesn 't get the wrong impression of sex . It 's about time we had that talk with her anyway . Should 've done it a couple years ago , when she had her first period . " " You WHAT ? ! You let my son watch SMUT ? ! How DARE you show my kid such filthy things ! Oh , it was your son , now , was it ? Your son - your SON - you have a SON and I don 't care what you people tell others , you are a bunch a freaky people , all of you , and I will forbid my son from talking to yours again ! No , they won 't be ' hanging out ' anymore , and did you know your son has a boyfriend ? You think he won 't be traumatized when he finds out he 's been getting all kissy - kissy with a boy ? It 'll turn him GAY , that 's what it 'll do ! I ought to go ahead and call Child Services because of what you do to your boy . YES HE ' S A BOY AND DON ' T PRETEND OTHERWISE ! Does he have a - p - penis ? Then he 's a boy ! What 's the matter with you ? Everybody knows he 's a boy , and you 're turning him into a freak ! I don 't care if you give him boy 's clothes , I 've seen him , you must give him a bra and stuff it or something - NO THEY ' RE NOT ! You mean to tell me that boy has B - BREASTS ? I 'll bet you give him that hormone stuff that turns him into a girl . I WILL be calling Child Services now ; you are dangerous people . GOOD BYE ! " " Scott won 't be in trouble , will he ? " Alexis asked . At first she felt immense relief that John and Nancy 's parents were so good about it , but now she was ready to cry just hearing the shouting match between her father and Scott 's mother . " My mom gave me ' the talk ' , " Nancy chimed in . " She told me sex wasn 't really like what we saw , but she told me that it wasn 't really like what was in her books , either . I can 't wait till we take sex ed next year so I can find out what it 's really like . " " I don 't think sex ed will tell you much , " Alexis said , " except the science behind it . I don 't think they 'll teach you what it feels like . I mean , it 's not like it 's a hands - on course ! " " Ooh , that 'd be so fun ! " Nancy said . She still had not tried masturbation yet , but it was in the back of her mind more often that not . At this moment , she was visualizing a sex ed class where she and Scott got to go up to the front of the room to give an in - class demonstration of sex . She did not yet realize that , in the adult world , that was called exhibitionism . She didn 't know yet that it was a fetish , a taboo , something that lots of people were interested in , and something that others thought was sick and weird . In her mind , having sex in a sex ed class as perfectly logical as playing with chemicals in a chemistry class . Alexis looked away , avoiding Nancy 's eyes . ' Maybe it 's my fault Scott isn 't here , ' Alexis thought to herself , and felt ashamed . ' It wasn 't right to push him to be there , it wasn 't right to make him come . He knew he 'd be in trouble , and we shouldn 't have made him come . ' " I 'll go to his house after school and see what 's up , " Nancy said . " Maybe he 's just sick . " But nobody really thought so . Nancy did not find out why Scott had been absent that day . She had gone to Scott 's house to find out , but she had been shooed away before she was allowed to come in . The next day yielded no further results , but she never told Alexis and John the specifics of what had happened on those occasions . It was the topic that Nancy did not want to talk about . " I don 't even want to tell you . Just saying what he 's done is not good for you . You might get ideas and I don 't want to be responsible for it . " " I 'll bet that boy told everyone in school . Scott 's so ashamed he 'll never be able to show his face in school again , and I don 't blame him . I 've arranged to have the rest of his schoolwork mailed to us , and I 'll be sending him to a private school next year , like I should 've done from the first . I 'm sorry , but Scott will not be coming to school anymore , and he can 't play with you right now . I 'm sure he doesn 't want to see anyone anyway . I can 't blame him , though , not completely . I think it 's those weirdoes fault more than my boy 's . " Scott 's mother let out a soft wail . " Oh ! So you 're the ' boyfriend ' , well you 're in for a surprise , because your ' girlfriend ' is a boy . Tell your parents that quickly , before you do anything you regret , I hope you haven 't kissed him yet ? " John did , in fact , tell his parents , but he didn 't tell them what Scott 's mother wanted them to know . He told them the entire conversation as best as he could recall , interjecting with his own comments about how she was such a bitch , which was the only way he could describe her ignorance ( since he didn 't pay attention in English and hadn 't remembered the vocabulary word ' ignorance ' he had recently learned ) , which he got yelled at for . His parents understood him though , and didn 't like what they heard . " That may be so . But it 's not our place to change that . She has the right to take him out of school if she wants . " That was the end of John , Alexis , and Nancy 's relations with Scott . None of them were allowed to communicate with Scott at all , they never even saw him . It was like he was a prisoner in his own house , but they couldn 't do anything about it . John felt helpless , and Alexis cried in bed at night , when she thought of Scott , believing herself to be the cause of his imprisonment . On the last day of school , Alexis wrote a little note to Scott reading simply " We miss you so much , " and signed her name , as well as John 's and Nancy 's for them , even though they knew nothing about it . She stuck the note in Scott 's mailbox and walked away . She did not know that Scott would never see it , because Scott 's mother would find it first , rip it up , and throw it out . Nancy reacted much differently . She got angry at first , standing in front of Scott 's house and calling Scott 's mother nasty names for all the neighbors to hear . When she tired of that , she would run around the block , or work extra hard in gym class . At night , she wrote in her diary some of the vilest things she wanted to do to Scott 's mother . And then , just as school ended for the summer , Nancy went through a short grieving phase , feeling sad and sorry for herself , and wishing she still had Scott . . . . really ? What kind of " fucked dipshit " writes this stuff ? First off , this site has a nifty little invention , known as the SEARCH FUNCTION . Second off , every story has these neat little things called TAGS on it . These magical TAGS tell u whats in the story , and are put there to keep peoples " tender sensibilities " from being hurt . If you dont like the story , dont read it . If you read it thinking it was something else , go back and pick a different one . And , if you are to mentally handicapped to understand the function of the " back " button , GTFO the internet ! . . . really ? What kind of " fucked dipshit " writes this stuff ? First off , this site has a nifty little invention , known as the SEARCH FUNCTION . Second off , every story has these neat little things called TAGS on it . These magical TAGS tell u whats in the story , and are put there to keep peoples " tender sensibilities " from being hurt . If you dont like the story , dont read it . If you read it thinking it was something else , go back and pick a different one . And , if you are to mentally handicapped to understand the function of the " back " button , GTFO the internet ! |
Introduction : This is a story about a girl who is born a hermaphrodite , and of her growing up different . This story has a little bit of sex , but it 's mostly plot and characters and all that stuff . Now you know . This was written as a serial on the xnxx forums site , and now the whole thing is here in one big piece for you . I hope you enjoy . Please comment and vote . Alexis Parts 1 - 5 ( Season 1 ) " Do you want to know the sex of the child ? " Dr . Salinzki asked as he placed the ultrasound 's transducer over Anne Williams ' belly . " Your baby should be developed enough by to be able to tell with the ultrasound . " " Okey - doke , " Dr . Salinzki said as the image of Anne 's uterus appeared on the screen . Salinzki studied it for a moment , and he frowned . " Um , Mrs . Williams ? I could be mistaken , but this ultrasound seems to show . . . something . . . " " What 's the problem , doc ? " Jeff said , as his wife gripped his hand harder . Jeff didn 't like to beat around the bush . " It appears to be that way . But the baby is still developing , so it might not come out that way . If you look here - " Salinzki pointed at the screen , " - you can see the penis , and here the testicular sac is forming , but it appears to be forming around a vaginal opening . Now , I don 't mean to worry you if I 'm wrong , so we 'll make some still images of this and send it to the lab , and next month we 'll do another ultrasound , and we may find out I 'm just going cross - eyed . " But Dr . Salinzki was not going cross - eyed , and the next month , when Anne and Jeff went back , the situation remained the same . The baby appeared to be forming a normal set of male genitals , but a vaginal opening still appeared on the sonogram . Mr . and Mrs . Williams had to be prepared for the possibility when the birth came around . " That 's one way of putting it , I suppose . And that , actually , is exactly what it looks like . Your baby is forming male genitals just fine , so the female genitals will not be fully formed when it 's born . So if you want to give your child the surgery , and I recommend it , you will be having a baby boy . " There was a problem , however . When the baby was born , it turns out both sets of genitals were fully formed , which is exceptionally rare . Not many people had ever seen such a thing . Anne and Jeff didn 't know what to do . It was easy enough to name the baby Alex - whether that would be short for Alexis or Alexander was something else - but what gender role should they give their baby ? Dr . Salinzki explained that the baby might grow up being torn between the two gender roles - perhaps wanting to play with Barbie dolls and GI Joes , or the baby might simply gravitate toward one sex or the other , which , if surgery was to be performed , would leave a 50 / 50 shot at getting it right . The alternative - not getting surgery and letting the baby grow and decide for itself - would lead to numerous complications in social life . Things as simple as what bathroom to use might lead to endless embarrassments on the part of the child . Besides , they couldn 't possibly refer to the baby as " it " instead of " he " or " she " . That is until , at the age of eleven , Alex started growing breasts . Alex 's voice never got deeper , and he never grew facial hair , or any other things that happen to boys when they hit puberty . Instead , Alex hit puberty like a girl - breasts , curves , the works ( except for a period of course , as she no longer had that organ ) . And as for fulfilling the masculine gender role : if Alex had been a girl , would she not have simply been labeled a tomboy ? So , for the first ten years of Alex 's life , her parents raised a boy . But faced with obviously feminine puberty , they realized their mistake . They took her to a doctor , who confirmed their fear . Eventually , they sat Alex down and explained the situation . Alex took it well , and understood her parents ' decision at her birth . She did not get mad at them , but she asked plenty of questions and did not stop until she was satisfied . She was curious , rather than outraged , to her parents ' relief . When they finished their conversation , which lasted hours , Alex went off to bed to think about what she had learned . In the morning , she told her parents that she wanted to be referred to as a girl from then on , and she wanted to go out and get a bra . She still liked to dress like a boy - plain shirts and jeans - but she began to shop in the girls ' section . She wore girl 's panties at first , too , but then decided they didn 't seem to fit right , and so stuck with boxers . She still hung out with the boys , because she was still a tomboy of sorts , but she started to grow her hair long . After talking with her school counselor and principal , she was allowed to switch to the girls ' bathroom . All of the students in her school knew now her full story , and she got two reactions . Some people were ok with it , and acted toward as if she were totally a girl , and others , like bullies and bratty girls , ostracized her for being different . She took it with pride , and never let it get to her . Her good friends defended her , and she got in trouble many times for fighting . She may have thought of herself as a girl , but she was not afraid to stand up for herself . By the age of twelve , bullies had already given up confronting her , but behind her back they called her names , Dicksy Chick being the most prevalent and punny . She knew , but she didn 't care . Everyone in the world could know she had a penis , and she wouldn 't care . She was used to it . She discovered that she was attracted to boys , and she was quickly budding into one of the cutest girls in the school . Boys were attracted to her , too , but they would never admit it , and try their damnedest not to show it , because while they might stick up for her against the bullies , it would be social suicide to be seen in that kind of a relationship with Alex . Gay was the word of the day , and liking a dude , no matter if that dude should have been a chick or not , might get you killed by the bullies . She wanted a boyfriend , but even she knew why they didn 't want her . It seemed like an impossible barrier to get over , but then one day she mustered up the courage to get her cute friend Matthew away from the crowd , and asked him point blank if he would go out with her . Before he could think of the consequences , he said yes , and regretted it a moment later . He , like most of the boys in the school , thought she was really cute and really cool , so in the moment she asked , it seemed like an obvious answer to say yes . Alex and Matthew both discovered quite quickly that somehow word had spread , and before they even had a date everyone knew that they were an item . But , to Matthew 's astonishment , everyone supported him , in public and in private . The bullies didn 't go after him , and no one called him gay . Someone once mentioned that he was " taking one for the team , " but no one laughed . The student body was ok with it . Someone else wasn 't . Mrs . Roberts , the history teacher , heard the whispers , and felt the need to tell the principal , who felt the need to call Alex 's and Matthew 's parents . Alex 's parents were thrilled that Alex was going to have a normal relationship . Matthew 's father was not so understanding . Matthew 's father beat him to a bloody pulp , told him he was a good - for - nothing faggot , and was summarily arrested for abusing his son . Alex cried when she heard what had happened to him . She thought it was all her fault . She visited him once in the hospital , but he was bandaged and bloody and sleeping . She cried then , too , and couldn 't bear to see him again like that . Matthew was in the hospital for a month , and was much worse for the wear after he got back . The loss of his father was the worst he suffered , but his new fear compelled him to break up with Alex . They had never had a single date . A boy named John Woods was a bit braver than most students . He was one of many that found Alex attractive , so one day he went to his parents and asked point blank what they would do if he started seeing Alex as a girlfriend . His parents already knew about her , of course , and about what had happened to Matthew . But his parents did not get angry , and after the initial shock of the question , replied as calmly as they could that they would allow it , as long as John knew what he was doing . There was no burst of applause , no cinematic explosion like the end of a cheap movie , but rather the hiss of whispers filled the air . People were apprehensive about this , mostly because they feared John 's safety . They didn 't know his parents had already accepted his decision . John and Alex hung out more during school , and went on two dates , first seeing the latest Harry Potter movie , and then going to the arcade . They held hands in the hallways , but for awhile , that was the most that happened . The school collectively sighed in relief that John wasn 't beat up by his dad , and everything seemed to be going normal , just like any other couple . With summer approaching , Alex and John decided to go mini - golfing for their third date . It turned into a double - date , as they met John 's friends Nancy and Scott there , just as they were starting . They decided to all play together . They all lived fairly close to the mini - golf course , so they walked home afterward . When they reached Alex 's street , Nancy and Scott said they would continue and John could bring Alex to her door . John kissed Alex smack on the lips , but went a little too fast , so Alex almost fell . John caught her , but kept his lips on hers for as long as he thought was good . Both of them lost track of time in that kiss . Alex had obviously never kissed a boy before , and she didn 't know what to do . But she loved it , so after the shock faded she kept her lips tight to his , and closed her eyes to enjoy the kiss more . Alex opened her eyes , and smiled . John gave her a brief hug and said goodbye . Alex wanted to hug him again , and kiss him again , but she knew she wasn 't supposed to . She said goodbye to him , and walked into her house . John walked fast back up the street . He was full of energy quite suddenly and his heart was racing . At the top of the street , Nancy and Scott were waiting . " You did ! You did ! " Nancy shouted gleefully . Scott smiled at John in a way that meant the same thing as what Nancy was doing . That he was happy for them . It was 11 PM , but Alexis wasn 't tired . She usually went to bed around ten , but tonight she was especially horny , and no porn would comfort her . Usually she just looked up shemale porn , because she imagined herself more easily as the shemale than if she looked up plain straight porn or gay porn . Sometimes she watched videos where the shemale received , in others she gave . But today , neither was working . She had a boner , and was working furiously to get rid of it , but she was having a very difficult time . But it wasn 't her dick that was bothering her , really ; it was the loneliness . Alexis and John had been going out for two months now , but they 'd only gotten to first base and lingered there . No matter how many time he told her that he didn 't mind that she had a penis , he simply refused to go any further . He 'd never touched it , he 'd never seen it ; he 'd only seen the bulge in her jeans when she accidently got an erection in school . She hadn 't even yet gotten an erection from kissing him except once , because he stopped too soon and never really got going . They would kiss like he was from the sixteenth century or something : just a peck on the cheek here , long kiss goodnight with no tongue action at all . Only last Friday had they even gotten to French kissing , during a particularly bad movie that they had both decided to see just so they could sit in the back and make out without missing anything good . That was the only time she had gotten an erection as they kissed , and even in the dim theater , she noticed that John had one , too . But they stopped making out when the credits started to roll , so they could have time to calm down before they got up . The closest John got that night to touching her dick was when he put his hand on her thigh , but that wasn 't even when they were Frenching , only after they had stopped . John really liked to just stay above ground , touching her neck in a sensual way , rubbing her back . . . heck , he wouldn 't even touch her tits ! ' Maybe John is just a gentleman , ' she thought . ' Maybe he 's going slow because he thinks I want to go slow . Well I don 't ! I want him to acknowledge me ! Acknowledge I 'm a girl ! Acknowledge I 'm a guy ! Just fondle me already ! ' Aggravated with her lack of help from the internet , Alexis got up and went to the bathroom , naked , hard - on solid with no chance of backing down . Her parents were both in their bedroom with the door closed , and she could hear them trying to have sex quietly , so as not to wake her . It made her feel even worse that they were happily fucking , but she couldn 't even get her boyfriend to touch her tits . Alexis stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom , looking over herself . ' Why wouldn 't he want me ? ' she asked herself . She was budding into a beautiful girl . She was slender , a little bit curvy , with legs that curved delicately into her ass - a tight , cute , white - girl ass that was the envy of the other girls in school . Her belly was a bit flat , but she ate right and exercised , and hoped that would soon curve as finely as the models she 'd seen in Seventeen Magazine . Her tits were smaller than she wanted , too , but she knew she wasn 't done growing yet , and anyway , at her age , they were well - formed perky things with cute little nipples that every guy wanted to fondle - ' except John ' , she thought , and sighed . She was perhaps not the conception of ' hot ' that some girls tried to make themselves , but John called her ' cute ' often , and she thought that was a true compliment . Her face was somewhere between teen - cute and baby - cute , but definitely sweet - cute . She had perfect , almond shaped , spring - green eyes complimenting her straight , sunkist brown hair , which she liked to let drop past her shoulders or put up into a ponytail . Her small mouth fit her delicate chin perfectly , and John loved it when she bit her lower lip when she was deep in thought . He said once that she was ' naturally pretty ' and shouldn 't wear makeup , which was a good thing , because she didn 't like too . She tried it a couple times , but she didn 't like the way she looked . ' Let 's face it , I 'm a tomboy , ' she thought . TomBOY . Then there was , of course , her penis . She looked at it in the mirror , looked at her testes , and decided that , given the fact that it was there , it certainly looked quite feminine . Even fully erect , she didn 't have a single blemish on her penis or testes , no sagging , no veins , no shift to one side like she had seen in some pornos . In fact , it kind of looked like a small child 's organs , being so smooth , its appearance flowing so naturally and easily to her body . Her penis was now over four inches long when erect , yet slim , but certainly still growing . The only thing missing was pubes . Her pubes simply hadn 't grown in . Her legs had started growing hair , and she was shaving them regularly , but not a single hair arrived anywhere near her privates . In a way , it was the cutest little package a girl could hope to have , fitting the rest of her cute little body to the letter . The only thing she didn 't like about her penis was the frenulum , that little part on the underside of the head that looks weird . Well , at least she didn 't have to look at it often . She looked at her body in the mirror , turning around to look at her ass , turning it back to look at her breasts , and finding , really , no imperfections . ' Why doesn 't John like me ? And why won 't this freaking hard - on die already ! ' She grabbed her dick and fiercely stroked it before just giving up . She was in no mood to try to suck it , and she couldn 't find any porn to get rid of it . ' Do boys have this much trouble ? ' she thought , and went back to bed in frustration . John Woods , himself , was having much the same problem . He had a boner that would not quit . He , too , tried looking at whatever porn he could find , but nothing worked . He couldn 't look at porn anymore . It just felt like . . . betrayal a bit . Jerking off to fantasies that weren 't about Alexis were getting harder and harder to do . Alexis would always come back into his mind . It was weird , at first , because he couldn 't imagine what it would be like to have sex with her . Obviously , vaginal was out of the question , and even when he tried to imagine her with one , it just didn 't sit right with him . So he tried to imagine getting a blowjob from her , but her cute , innocent face wasn 't capable of going anywhere near his dick . Then he considered anal , and that was alright for a while , but he couldn 't really imagine that , either . He couldn 't imagine what her penis would be doing the entire time . Would she have a boner ? Would she be flaccid ? Would she cum ? Would her dick bounce around a bit ? Then last night John had a wet dream , where he was lying on the grass on a hill nearby the school , lying naked with Alexis . She wasn 't sucking his dick , exactly - she was kissing it gently , more like . Like as if she were pecking him on the cheek , only more slowly and sensually . As she was about to part her lips and put her tongue to his dick , he changed his mind , and got onto his stomach . He held one of her feet , and began kissing it , the moved to her ankle , her calf , her knee , her thigh - and then her dick was in front of his face . It was flaccid , just resting casually on her balls like he wasn 't doing anything at all erotic . He figured that he ought to take the plunge , and finally kissed her penis . It made not motion to rise , no recognition of what he 'd done . He kissed it again , and again , and then finally just opened his mouth and let her dick slip in . The head of her dick was barely in his mouth when he came - and he woke up . He couldn 't stop himself , even though he immediately snapped out of his dream . His boxers got wet , his sheets got wet ; it was a mess . Even with masturbation , John would sometimes have wet dreams , and it was strange sometimes where his mind went when he wasn 't directing it . ' But . . . oh , why not ? ' he thought , ' Why not just get over the fact that she has a dick and let her USE it ? ' So John stopped the video he was watching and closed his eyes , imagining them naked on that hill - or better yet , and that movie when they started Frenching . . . yeah , that was a good day . John had wanted to go farther that day , much farther , but he just wasn 't sure how . ' Well , now is the time to correct that mistake , ' he thought . ' So , we 're sitting in the movie , and I 'm kissing her - WE ' RE kissing each other - and I move my hand to her waist . . . do I want to go up or down ? Touch her tits , or - oh , for Christ 's sake DOWN ! I reach inside her pants and grab her - penis . She 's hard . . . she makes a grab for me - she unbuttons my jeans . . . unzips my fly . . . wraps a finger around my dick . . . she smiles as she kisses me , I can feel it . . . Her whole hand grabs my dick . I grab hers , and I begin to stroke . We 're not wearing clothes anymore . . . we 're just naked in the movie . We 're stroking off each other . . . We 're - ' John came rather suddenly , and he wasn 't prepared . He didn 't have his tissues at hand , and he was still sitting at his computer . Cum shot onto his keyboard , onto his hand , down the side of his dick - ' shit , now it 's getting in my pubes ! ' John thought to himself . This would be a mess to clean up , especially the keyboard . Was it even worth all that trouble ? The next day , after school , Alexis and John hung out at the skatepark with a few of their friends . John was feeling good , but Alexis looked dead tired . She didn 't tell John , but her boner really had kept her up much of the night . She never got it to go down , and didn 't recall falling asleep . She was relieved that it wasn 't there when she woke up in the morning , but she didn 't like the sexual frustration at all . She didn 't know what to do , because John didn 't want to do anything sexual with her . John took that as his cue , and promptly hugged her . Alexis was swept up in it , for a moment ; she loved the closeness of him , the feeling of his body against hers , how her chest was being squished just a bit against his chest , the pressure of his leg against hers , against her dick . She wasn 't sure how long the hug lasted , but she felt him kiss her temple , and whisper in her ear " Please feel better . I was hoping we 'd do something tonight . " She thought about it , and John noticed she had a dazed look on her face , and , thinking maybe she was serious about getting no sleep , so he said " You alright ? You sure you 're ok to stay awake tonight ? Or maybe we could just call this short , like go to my house , make some coffee , and just play some games or something ? " Before she could answer , he shouted to his friends " Hey ! We 're gonna go ! See ya later ! " and started to pull Alexis along with him . To both of them , the walk seemed to last forever , and then when it was over it seemed like it took no time at all . They reached John 's house , and he led her in . John 's parents weren 't home from work yet , so they had the house to themselves . John was as nervous as she was , but he didn 't show it . Instead , he showed total confidence , and acted quite like his normal self . He did show his concern for her , repeatedly asking her how she was feeling , but she just kept saying she was fine , not even noticing how many time he asked her . Despite finishing his cup long before Alexis did , John decided not to talk to her while she sipped her cupped . He wasn 't sure what to say and didn 't want to keep asking her how she was . He poured himself another cup , and finished even that one before she finished her first . Finally he could take it no more , so he took her cup out of her hands and put it on the table . He took her by the hands and led her upstairs to his bedroom . Her senses went on high alert when she realized where he was leading her , but she realized that something was finally going to happen . If they were just going to make out , they would just stay on the couch , maybe start by watching TV and moving on . But John was trouncing on protocol , but Alexis was ok with it . They sat down on John 's bed , and started kissing . John was his usual , sensual self , starting slow , not jamming his mouth into hers like he had somewhere to be , but opening her mouth up gently . His hands began at her neck , rubbing her shoulders , then down and to her front . He placed a hand on her breast , above the shirt , but that didn 't matter much to Alexis . He was going for it , and it felt good . He placed his other hand on her other breast , and fondled them gently , just as he would massage her back . Finally , Alexis decided to take off her shirt , followed quickly by her bra . John went back to groping them , but was kissing at a bit of a faster pace now . He was so delighted that he was showing his appreciation through his kisses , and through his hands . John pulled away from her mouth , no matter how much he wanted to continue exploring it with his tongue , and kissed her chin , the moved down to her neck , slowly down to breast . . . When his mouth got there , he took one hand away , and then kissed a line down to her nipple . Having never played with a girl 's tits before , he wasn 't sure what to do with his mouth down there , but he sort of remembered what to do from pornos , so he started sucking her tit . He though he looked a little ridiculous , like he was trying to get milk out of her or something , but when he glanced up , she didn 't even have her eyes open anymore . She had given in to simply feeling everything he was doing . Alexis was getting a hard - on , and a thought briefly flitted through her mind ' What if he gets scared now ? ' But it disappeared and was replaced with no thought at all . She could not think , only feel . John , too , was getting an erection , and feeling it push against his jeans , he took it as his cue to see what hers was doing . Staying with his mouth on her breast , flicking her nipple with his tongue , John reached his hand down to her jeans and placed it lightly on her crotch . He could feel her penis , getting harder as he touched it . John gently nudged Alexis so she was lying down , and he managed to take her jeans off . Only her bulging boxers stood between him and her penis . Only to torture himself , to postpone seeing what he desperately wanted to see , he kissed her from her breast down to her waistline . When he kissed her waist , she inhaled deeply . It was the greatest sound he 'd ever heard , because it was the sound of her pleasure . He pulled her boxers the rest of the way off , then took off her socks . Just like in his dream , he began at her feet . He kissed her toes , and as he did so , she gasped again and spread her toes wide . His kissed each one , then kissed the bottom of her foot , moving on to her ankle , calf , knee . . . When John got to her thigh , he had a plain view of her cock in front of him , and it was the closest his face had ever been to it . Her dick was in the air , waiting impatiently to be touched . But John put it off , taking extra long to kiss her thigh , then finally moved on , and without thinking , kissed her sac . She moaned now , and her sac and penis bounced a little . He kissed her sac again . This was just too much for her . In her ecstasy , Alexis had wanted to cum since John kissed her waist , and had spent all her energy preventing herself from cumming thus far . But she could hold it in no longer , and when he kissed her sac again , this time parting his lips , she had an orgasm . The cum went into the air and landed all over her stomach . Her dick spasmed a lot , trying to get every last little bit of cum out of her system . As she came , she wrapped her legs around John and squeezed him tight . John was surprised , but . . . he was ok with this . He got her off and he had never even touched her dick . But now , even though it didn 't matter , he still wanted to . John moved his lips from her sac to the base of her dick , and he kissed it . Her dick convulsed again from the sensitivity . He kissed it again and again , a little farther up each time , and it kept convulsing . Finally , he reached the head , where cum was still dripping . John got up and went to the bathroom . He was already chiding himself for being a pussy . But he got the towel , and wiped up her cum , and told her to just rest . ' Well , ' John thought , ' you did it . You went all the way . Well , not ALL all the way , but as far as she was going , anyway . ' Alexis dozed , naked , in John 's bed , while John left her sleeping and went to the bathroom . His erection was dying , due to the voice in his head telling him he was a pussy for not so much as touching Alexis ' cum . He knew , going into this relationship , that if it ever came time to discover each other 's bodies , that would have to be something he would have to do . She had a penis ; it was as simple as that . It worked properly and now he had seen it , touched it , kissed it - but he would not take that one last hurdle : he could not touch her cum . ' What 's wrong with it ? ' John thought , staring himself down in the mirror . ' It was just cum , for Christ 's sake . You touch yours all the time . Ok , you don 't eat it , but you cum in your hand sometimes , and it 's not a bad feeling . ' Another voice butted in the conversation of his mind : ' Yeah , but it 's hers . Not yours . It 's like another guy 's cum . ' ' No , it 's not , it 's Alexis ' cum , ' the first part of his brain retorted . ' It 's hers , and you love her . You just made her cum , you made a girl cum , so you 've hit it big , and there are no problems . ' ' Uh - huh . Do you really expect you 'll ever eat her cum ? Put it in your mouth even ? You know chicks swallow cum , you 've seen that shit in porn . Can you handle it ? ' John went to the toilet and unzipped his pants . He pulled his flaccid dick out and began to play with it . With all of his effort , he put the voices on hold and tried to remember exactly what had just happened with Alexis . ' I kissed her . I kissed her all over . I finally took her shirt off , and my God , that was amazing . I saw a girl 's tits for the first time in my life . I played with them . I even sucked them . Well , ok , just one , but still . ' ' I took her pants off . I took her underwear off . I got to see her totally naked , and she was beautiful . I saw her boner . I . . . I wanted to suck it . I really wanted to . But I didn 't . I kissed her feet , her legs , and then I kissed her balls . And she came just from that . How could she cum just from that ? ' But then John imagined the situation reversed , and he imagined her stripping him , and kissing his sac , except in his imagination she was gripping his dick and stroking it . She kissed his balls so sensually . . . and then . . . sticking her tongue out , she licked his sac . It was the force and suddenness with which this fantasy turned from sensual to sexy that he almost came right there . He stopped himself for barely two seconds so he could cover his head with his left hand , and he jizzed into it . His legs felt shaky as he came , and he wanted to hold the wall , but one hand was on his member and the other was catching cum , so he forced himself to stay afloat . When he thought he was drained , he looked at the amount in his hand . It was ok , considering he had masturbated the night before , as well . It looked a little watery , but sometimes that happened . John brought the hand up to his face and looked at his cum carefully . He sniffed it , and it smelled no different than usual . The cum was becoming more watery the more he stared , and he knew that if he was going to do this , it was now or never . Now or never , John . He - he couldn 't do it . He just couldn 't do it at all . He chickened out again . He just walked to the sink and washed his hands , letting his cum go down the drain . ' Why ? Why can 't I do it ? Why do I fight with myself ? I have to do it eventually . I want to do it . So what are you afraid of , you fuckin ' pussy ? ' He was still growing , nowhere near the end of puberty at all . He still looked so young . He was like a baby compared to how much more grown in Alexis was . Then again , so was every boy in eighth grade , but still . He was a cute boy , not quite baby - cute , and not a high - school - guy - cute , but just something in between . He shaved his face , but not for any reason but to say he did , for he wasn 't growing and facial hair as far as he could tell . He had dark auburn hair , wavy and cut to his ears , a heart - shaped face ending in an ever - so - slight cleft chin , and Air Force blue eyes pulled just slightly , as if there were one Asian in his family two generations back or something . Alexis absolutely adored his eyes , and said once that she ' could get lost in them for days ' - something John could have sworn he heard in a movie , but that was ok , because the way she said it made it not matter . He just wanted to grow up already , not just to fill out but to grow out of his immaturity - and he knew that 's what it was to not want to put Alexis ' cum in his mouth . He knew high school kids that always talked out eating pussy and how their girlfriends would cum - to be honest he 'd never seen a woman cum in porn , and he didn 't think it was quite the same , at least the way he learned it in sex ed . But Alexis , she could cum , and if a high school kid were in his position , he 'd know how to make the best of it . ' So just grow up already , ' he told himself . Alexis slept for twenty minutes before the caffeine from her coffee earlier kicked in . She woke up without feeling too groggy ; in fact , she felt much more awake than she had all day . It was something much better than sleep that made her rested - it was what John did with her . She remembered , quite suddenly , with crystal clarity , exactly what had occurred . She had been so wiped she had drifted off to sleep , but she would apologize to John for that and make it up to him . After all , she had gotten what she wanted . He groped her chest , got her naked , even went so far as to kiss her dick ! Maybe he would have done more , but she just couldn 't hold in the night of sexual frustration anymore . She had released , and with it , the best orgasm of her life , because John was kissing her as she came . Hell , he wasn 't just kissing her , he was kissing her sac ! She knew that she would make it up to him as soon as possible . Alexis looked up at him . " No , I 'm sorry . I 'm sorry I fell asleep and I 'm sorry I came so quickly . I tried to hold it in , but I couldn 't help it . I want to make it up to you . I want to do to you what you did to me . " " And I want to get you naked . I want us to both be naked together . I want to make you cum just the way you made me cum . " " No , don 't cry , please don 't cry . It isn 't about you , don 't blame anything on yourself . You are the prettiest girl I 've ever met , and I love you . The problem I 'm having is . . . it 's hard to explain . It 's like . . . you ever want to do something so bad , like your mind wanted to , but your body was afraid to do it ? " " Exactly , just like that . Like , you want to skateboard , you see kids do it and think it 's cool , or when we watch Rodney Mullen videos and want to learn all his tricks , but then when you get on the board and your standing at the top of the half - pipe and your legs just go numb and you can 't move . . . well , that 's what I 'm feeling . I love you , and I want to make you feel good , I want more than anything in the world to make you feel good - " " I know , and I was happy with that . And the more I think about it , the more I think I could give you head , I could enjoy doing that , and I want to try it , but then , when you came , I mean . . . I wanted to lick it up . I wanted to put your cum in my mouth , because that 's what I see in porn , but it just . . . it just seemed gross to me . And I don 't mean it about you , don 't take it that way . I don 't know how to explain it . I guess I 'm just a pussy - " John stopped , because now he was getting ready to cry . Alexis took all this in , and understood that it was nothing for either of them to cry about . " No , John , you 're not a pussy at all . You 're brave , John . You were brave when you walked up to me that day and asked me out for the first time , right in front of everybody . You were brave the first time you kissed me on my doorstep . You were brave today when you undressed me . You kissed me where I didn 't think you ever would . I understand if you have limits - " " But I don 't want limits . I want to be able to give you head and let you have an orgasm in my mouth . I want to be a good boyfriend to you . " " Then we 'll work it out , " Alexis said . " We 'll find a way to get you over this . In the meantime , I 'm ok with it . This is just the beginning . This is the first time we 've done anything like this . Just don 't worry about that stuff right now and enjoy yourself . Enjoy me . " Over the next week , John and Alexis did not have much time to themselves . There was homework to be done , and when there wasn 't , Scott and Nancy kept getting in their way , trying to pull John and Alexis apart to try to learn separately what had happened the day they had suddenly left the skatepark . Scott thought they might have gone all the way , and wanted to know all the details , but Nancy thought Alexis had looked sad that day , like maybe one of her relatives had died . On Saturday afternoon , John and Alexis hung out at the skatepark , as usual , since it was free , trying to learn new flips or grind on the funbox . Both Nancy and Scott were there , as well as many other students they knew and didn 't know . Nancy and Scott were still trying to get answers even a week later , as if their own love lives could not possibly be as interesting as John and Alexis ' . But for the past week , despite frustrations , John and Alexis had renewed energy , and seemed so much happier than they ever had . Scott and Nancy had a hard time keeping up with them at the skatepark to even attempt a conversation . They were getting furious , and John and Alexis relished frustrating them , just to let them taste what they had been going through over the past week . John still had his little hangup , but he knew that Alexis would help him through it . In fact , now , knowing that he had already gone so far with her , and knowing that when the time came , he would be ready for everything , he couldn 't be happier in life . He had a girlfriend that he was in love with , and he was exploring her sexually . The halfpipe was the only thing in the park most skaters under fifteen never tried . It was ten feet tall with a ramp going up one side , all made of concrete . It was alright to try with a bike , but the speed you could get on a skateboard was frightening , and there were legends of young kids pressing their luck on it and winding up with broken bones and bloody faces . There were tales of ten year olds being killed on it . Thirteen wasn 't too much older than ten . But John was feeling good today , feeling lucky . He just figured out how to do a Front Foot Impossible yesterday , which he had been trying to get for months . The first time he finally did it , he got it perfect , and couldn 't get it since then , but that was good enough is his book , for now . The halfpipe meant something more than learning a new flip trick . It meant , to John , that he could face any fear . If he could do this , he could without a doubt get over his sexual reservations . He gained speed quickly flying down the halfpipe , got a bit of speed wobble as he hit the flat bottom , but lost the wobble and all the speed coming up the other side . John did not reach the opposite ledge , but instead stopped almost right at it , and slid back down . His speed picked up again on the return trip , but did not let him get very high before sliding back down again . John stopped his board in front of her , stepped off it , and embraced her . She didn 't stop shaking or hug him back , because she was trapped in the past . She could still see John at the top of the half - pipe , or coming down the first time , coming close to bailing , and rewind . . . That snapped her out of it . She continued to shake , but she hugged him , and began to cry . She didn 't know why she was crying ; she knew that John was safe . When she pulled her lips away , she stammered " Why ? Why did you do that ? " If last week , Nancy and Scott questioned why they had left the park so suddenly , there was absolutely no doubt today . Nancy and Scott , however , weren 't that far alone in their relationship or in there sexual needs just yet , so Nancy didn 't ask " Why don 't we do that ? " although the question to did flit through her mind . John and Alexis went to John 's house , and with no cars in the driveway , that took it as a sign that they could finally be alone again . John fumbled with his key at the door , and when he finally got it , was pushed inside by Alexis . Alexis led now , pulling John into his bedroom , and shutting the door when John forgot to . John was still half hard , but his dick picked right back up again when Alexis kissed him , pushing his back against the door . As they kissed , John groped her tits . John could feel that her nipples were hard under her shirt and bra . John didn 't protest as Alexis slid to her knees and unbuttoned his jeans . He didn 't watch her do it , but looked away . He knew that very soon he 'd be getting his first blowjob from the girl he loved , and she looked so goddamned cute that he simply could not imagine it . She looked so innocent that to see such a thing would probably make him faint . In no time and after forever , John felt Alexis ' lips , kissing the head of his cock . He gasped . Just to have her down there , just to have her playing with it would be enough to get him off , but she was going to suck it . And he wanted this to last . He thought he could have cum already , but he used all his will power to keep his orgasm in . John felt Alexis kiss his shaft , then open her mouth and lick . She licked the length of his cock , then quickly put the head in her mouth , and sucked it . This would not be a slow , sensual sex act like they had before . No , they were goddamned horny , and Alexis wanted John 's cock in her mouth . Besides , this was his reward for surviving the day , and she wanted to make it special . She then took his dick back out and licked the bottom of the shaft , looking up at him . She saw he was looking away , so she tapped his hip with her finger to get his attention . She wanted him to see what she was doing for him , not just feel it . That was it . John could not hold it in any longer . The sight was too much for him to handle . He came , moaning , squirting a saved week 's worth of cum onto her face , forehead , and into her hair . John smacked his fist against the door as his legs got shaky . After about five or thirty five items , Alexis came down the stairs and entered the kitchen , sporting a smile . She waved casually and said " Hi all , " and stood next to John . John looked at her , and was relieved to see she had no cum on her face at all , or even in her hair , but her hair did look a little wet . He prayed that nobody would notice . " No , it didn 't ruin it , " John said after a long pause . It wasn 't the blowjob that had been ruined , really , it was the end of orgasm that was ruined . He was so shocked when he heard his mother call up to him that the last half of his orgasm barely registered to him . " It just . . . made it more memorable , " he said , and smiled at her . " Not memorable in the way I wanted , " Alexis said , feeling defeated . She had worked so hard over the past week to get John alone so she could repay him for the pleasure he gave her , and she knew he was lying when he said it wasn 't ruined . His first blowjob had been ruined by his parents . If it was his second , or third , or any time besides first , it would have made her laugh , but she wanted John 's first to feel special . John sat next to Alexis on the floor , both of them leaning back against his bed . He looked at her , seeing the sad look on an adorable face that would not look at him back , instead searching the TV for distraction . He kissed her softly on the cheek . " Hey , " he said , and she turned to him , " you are the one who made it memorable . You gave me the most memorable experience of my life . " He paused , and changed his tone : " I don 't think I 'll ever forget the sight of my cum all over your face . " " Liked giving you a blowjob . . . . I liked knowing that you liked it . I liked seeing you try to hold it back for me , because you wanted it to last . That made me very happy . At first I didn 't like the fact that you wouldn 't look at me , until I realized why , then I liked that , too . . . . I really liked it when you came . " " I ate it . I ate as much as I could . Then I washed my face after that - but don 't worry , John ! " Alexis said , seeing the pained look on his face . " You don 't have to swallow mine if you don 't want to . All you need to do is do what you 've been doing . I love you , and I loved what you did to me last week . " " No , I understand . Besides , I did the same thing to you , so we 're even now . " John was a little disappointed , and a little angry , but not angry at her . He was angrier at his parents , but placing the blame on them hadn 't quite registered in his mind yet . His emotions were just so mixed up he wasn 't sure what he was feeling . They heard the doorbell ring downstairs , and the loud chatter of John 's mother as she greeted whoever was at the door . Five minutes later , John and Alexis heard footsteps up the stairs . They looked at the doorway and saw Scott and Nancy enter . " You forgot your boards at the park . We went to Alexis 's house first , but you guys weren 't there , so . . . " Scott trailed off , assuming the rest of the story was obvious enough . " I thought you guys went home to . . . " Scott began , but couldn 't finish , instead waiting for John to look at him . When he did , Scott gave a wink . " Can we cut the euphemisms out ? " Nancy said , plopping onto John 's bed . She thought she used the word ' euphemisms ' correctly , as she had just learned it in English class a few days before , and felt proud that she had worked it into the conversation . " I want to know exactly what you guys did , and I want to know if you 've gone further than me and Scott have . " Scott flushed red . He really did not want to have that kind of conversation with others . He was being very hesitant with Nancy , and felt afraid to go very far with her . He hadn 't gone beyond kissing a bit with her , but even that felt a little weird . Scott hadn 't even really discovered himself yet , so he wasn 't ready to start discovering girls . He wasn 't embarrassed to kiss Nancy , not even in public , but when she grabbed his ass or tried to put her tongue in his mouth he would get cold feet , and would usually have to stop making out with her , because he didn 't yet understand the physical feelings he had . Nancy , on the other hand , was a girl who was ready for anything . She was developing at an alarming rate , and wanted to be a grown up already , or at least a teenager . She wanted to experiment with boys instead of just seeing the science of it in sex ed class . She hadn 't yet looked at porn , although she knew it was out there , but instead read her mother 's trashy romance novels whenever she could . She didn 't exactly get wet reading them , but she fantasized that she was the beautiful girl in every novel , losing her virginity to a strong , handsome man . In her mind that man was usually Scott , although a bit more grown up , but sometimes it was Johnny Depp or even Colin Farrell . " And then my mom came home ! " John said , laughing . " Right as I was doing it ! " He no longer felt any anger at his parents . Right now was a time to look back on it and laugh , even if it was only twenty minutes ago . Because to the bunch of giggling schoolchildren , it was a hilarious and taboo thing to hear . " Eww ! " Nancy said , but she wasn 't grossed out at all . She was seeing the moment in her mind , seeing Alexis fretting in front of the bathroom mirror , trying to get the stickiness out of her hair . Nancy 's laughter died , and was replaced by a look of total shock on her face . Now this wasn 't hilarious anymore , this was juicy gossip . Nancy knew that she would be having a hell of a time keeping this between just themselves . " Ohmygod , what did it taste like ? I heard it tastes gross ! " " No . No , I loved it , " Alexis said , and kissed John on the cheek . John blushed a little , but felt pride more than anything . He wasn 't sure why he was prideful , but it probably wasn 't because his cum tasted good . He was proud of having a girlfriend that loved him , and that swallowed . He knew even just from watching porn that lots of girls didn 't do that , and they were paid to . Now that Scott had suddenly become the center of attention , he was no longer laughing . He turned beet red again , and wanted to leave immediately . He didn 't even want Nancy to have this conversation without him there . He just wanted the subject dropped altogether . " Yes , but this one wants to go slow , " Nancy said , squeezing Scott tighter . " Well , Scotty , get any ideas from them ? John said it was awesome . " " Oh my god , you know what we could do ? " Alexis said in a conspiratorial tone . " Monday , after school , my folks work . We could all go to my house , and look through their closet for porno tapes ! " " Your parents have porno ? " Nancy said , wide - eyed . " I wanna see it ! If that doesn 't give Scotty any ideas , he 's hopeless . " Science class was the prime time for Nancy and Alexis to talk , as they sat next to each other , and their boyfriends were not in the same class with them . They could giggle and fawn over hot movie stars or even cute boys in school without getting their boyfriends jealous . Nancy and Alexis tended to have different tastes in guys . Alexis liked the cute boys that resembled John , and Nancy liked the more mature boys that were nothing like Scott at all . Nancy couldn 't wait for the school year to get over with , and for the next school year after that , so she could finally get into high school where all the hot , fully developed guys were . She counted off the days left in school , and by her count there were ten , including today . Then came glorious summer vacation , when she could go to the beach everyday and look at the muscular men in swimsuits . It wasn 't that Nancy found Scott unattractive - in fact she thought he was very cute - but she just liked MEN a bit more than boys . She wanted to have sex , too . She wanted to do to Scott what Alexis had done to John , and she wanted to go further than that . Her mom 's trashy romance novels were taking up her dreams , but she wanted them to take up her waking life , except for real instead of on paper . She actually wasn 't even really sure if Scott was the one she wanted to lose her virginity to , but she loved him like she loved puppies , and she didn 't understand the difference between the way a puppy or Scott made her feel and the way the high school jocks made her feel when she looked at them . She knew there was a difference , but she couldn 't quite place it . But in any case , she really wanted to know what sex was like , and Scott was her boyfriend , after all . He just took it too slow for her liking . She 'd been trying to push him for over a month now , but he wouldn 't get past kissing . Even after they had learned what Alexis and John had done , Scott didn 't open up . He had told her that he was happy the way things were , and thought the idea of putting his penis in her mouth was kind of gross , like he didn 't know if he 'd be able to kiss her again after she did that . That was about as frank as he got , and then changed the topic by saying that he would not watch porn with her if she was going to try anything like that . Nancy finally gave in , and said they would watch it just to see what it was like , and if it grossed him out , they would leave . Scott grudgingly agreed . " Ohmygod Ineverdid ! " Alexis nearly shrieked , and when Mrs . Baker looked up again , Alexis grew red . She was so excited to tell Nancy exactly what had happened the week before , about how great it was that John had gone down on her , that she simply couldn 't tell her now for fear that everyone would hear . " Okay ! " Nancy said , and raced out the door , heading for the nearest girls ' bathroom , where Alexis was just dying to spill the beans . They spent the rest of the class period in the bathroom discussing every detail Alexis could remember , which was everything . Alexis and John both knew how hot Internet porn was , and expected Alexis ' parents ' video stash to be no different . They knew they would both have raging hard - ons as they watched , fighting to get out . They expected this to be a kind of torture . If Nancy and Scott hadn 't been invited to watch with them , John thought this might have been the perfect opportunity to give Alexis another blowjob , a proper one this time , like she gave him , and maybe , just maybe , he 'd find himself brave enough to swallow her cum . But , that wasn 't the case , and John thought that it would at least be fun to show some porn to Nancy and Scott . Maybe if Scott liked it , he might finally start to discover his sexuality . And if Nancy and Scott moved their relationship to the next level , they would probably be so involved with each other that they would leave John and Alexis alone . Not that John didn 't like Scott and Nancy ; he just wanted to start spending a lot more time alone with Alexis . John daydreamed throughout the day , fantasizing about Alexis a lot , but also thinking about what would happen when the foursome watched the porn tapes . What if Nancy and Scott got so excited , they started making out , and playing with each other , and then Alexis and John could do the same ? What if they all got so horny they all got naked together and . . . ? John wasn 't sure he was too comfortable showing himself to anyone but Alexis , and he didn 't want Alexis to show herself to anybody else , either . Alexis also wasn 't sure what to expect with their little field trip to porno land . She expected to get as horny as John , but she wondered how Nancy and Scott would take it . After all , Scott was extremely hesitant , and might get embarrassed , grossed out , or even get angry and leave . Nancy would find out that there was a very big difference between trashy romance novels and porn , and who knows how she 'd react . Maybe she 'd find it gross too . " I know , I was just saying hi , " John said and kissed her quickly again . " I 'll try not to get sexy when we watch the porn , but it 'll be hard . Get it ? ' It 'll be hard ' ? " " Yeah , I get it . It 'll ' be hard ' for me too , but try to keep it from going wild , okay ? Let 's just try to act like we 're watching a regular movie . " " No , pretend like we 're watching a GOOD movie that we both want to see . Ooh ! I 'll make popcorn ! " Alexis said , and ran to the kitchen . John rolled his eyes , but followed her . He found her in front of the microwave , trying to figure out which side of the bag of popcorn to put ' down ' . John hugged her from behind , moving his hands along her waist . He slipped his hand down the front of her jeans , cupping the organs he found . Alexis gasped , and pushed her ass against him . She loved feeling John 's hand holding her dick and balls , and got half - hard as she tried to put the popcorn in the microwave . She couldn 't even focus enough to press the right buttons on the microwave , and finally just gave in to enjoying John 's hand completely . She almost unbuttoned her jeans when the doorbell rang again , and she snapped back to reality . " Ok , let 's go ! " she said , and led the way into the TV room , carrying the bowl , John carrying the drinks . She set the popcorn down on the coffee table , John following her lead with the soda . Alexis then led them all upstairs to her parents ' room , and into their walk - in closet . At the back of the closet was a big chest . Alexis opened it , and removed a thick quilt from it , revealing over a dozen porno tapes . " So what do you guys want to see ? " Alexis said , shuffling through the tapes . " We 've got ' Back Door Sluts 9 ' , ' Crotch Capers 3 ' , ' Naughty Nurses 2 ' - " " Ok , " Alexis said . " What else ? ' The Secret Garden ' . . . that isn 't ' The Secret Garden ' I know . . . ' The Devil in Miss Jones ' . . . " " Ooh , I like the sound of that . Sounds sacrilegious , " Nancy said . ' Sacrilegious ' was another vocab word she had just learned in English class . Nancy and Scott followed Alexis back to the TV room while John opened the trunk back up again and picked another movie . When he came back down , he was ecstatic . " Listen to this ! ' Date from Hell ' it 's called , and it says on it : ' You have entered another dimension . . . and some loser still follows you here ! ' " Nancy sat down in the middle of the couch , pulling Scott down next to her on the right . John sat down on the left , and with no room left , Alexis just sat on John 's lap . John wrapped his arms around her , keeping her butt down hard against his dick . Nancy grabbed the bowl of popcorn and snuggled next to Scott , putting her head on his shoulder . The nurse stood up and took her top off , revealing DD tits and gigantic nipples . She crossed a leg over the patient so she was riding him , and brought her tits into his face . The patient put his head between her boobs and shook his head violently , making a raspberry noise . They had to stop watching after that scene and move on to ' Rectal Rooter ' , but it wasn 't any better . They found everything that happened to be funnier than any comedy they 'd ever seen . Not only was the acting horrid , but the sex in itself was silly , and before long they were commenting on the porn like they were the robots in ' Mystery Science Theater 3000 ' . Alexis , John , Scott , and Nancy were so interested in the movie they forgot they were watching porn . They forgot they had been laughing , and took in everything just as any drama should be watched . Nancy picked up the popcorn again and crunched loudly , wide - eyed , wanting to know what was going on . John didn 't know what to do . He was scared or Mr . Williams , but he wanted to be a man and protect the girl he loved . His flight - or - fight instinct clouded his brain , and in an instant , he chose flight . " You don 't understand . My parents won 't even let me see rated R movies . I got in trouble when I saw one once . What do you think they 'll do when they find out I watched p - porn ! " " They won 't do anything , Scott , " Nancy said , but she didn 't believe it herself now . She had always wondered why Scott was so shy , why he always acted so nervous around his own parents , or anybody 's parents , but she had never seen them get angry before . Maybe they would do something to him , after all . John stopped paying attention to them . He had his own thoughts to deal with now . He knew his parents wouldn 't care that he had watched porn , maybe they 'd lecture him or ground him , but that wasn 't a big deal . What mattered to him was that he had just walked away from his girlfriend . ' I 'm supposed to love her , aren 't I ? ' he thought to himself . ' If I love her , why didn 't I stand with her ? ' ' Maybe that 's why I chickened out , ' John thought . ' Maybe I assumed he wouldn 't be that angry as soon as he calmed down . No , John , you 're lying to yourself . You 're just a pussy . Get over it . ' Alexis ' father sighed . " Okay . I 'll talk about it with your mother when she gets home , and we 'll decide on an appropriate punishment . For now , clean up the mess you and your friends made . I think the soda will stain . " When Nancy and Scott reached Scott 's house , they discovered that Scott 's mom was already home . Nancy had to drag Scott into his own house to face his own mother . He finally gave up struggling and protesting when she got him through the doorway , and just hung his head in shame . " There you are , " Scott 's mother said when she saw him . " Supper 's almost ready . I was getting worried . I called Nancy 's house but no one answered . " " Enough dear ! " Scott 's mother said , getting heated . " I don 't want to have an argument with you . I know he looks like a girl , because his weirdo parents make him look like one , but he has boy parts where is counts . Personally , I think they should be locked up for doing that . I don 't care if they wanted a girl , they got a boy and there 's no changing that . I will call your parents later and have them explain it to you . End of conversation . " Nancy wasn 't so sure she would be able to tell Scott 's mother about the porn now . Scott 's mother didn 't understand that Alexis was a girl , and thought her parents were ' weirdoes ' , so Nancy had no idea how she might react to the porn . She apparently didn 't like anything that wasn 't considered ' normal ' , and twelve - year - olds watching porn was probably not ' normal ' to her . It was no wonder to Nancy now why Scott was so shy . " I don 't remember ; I put them away already . It was weird , actually ; they were just watching it like a normal movie . They had popcorn . " Anne laughed . " Oh , dumb kid stuff . You know they 're getting around that age anyway . I 'm sure she 's seen worse things on the Internet . She shouldn 't be watching that stuff , of course , and she certainly shouldn 't be showing her friends , but there 's not much we can do . " " Do you really think that 's necessary ? What did you do when you were their age ? Don 't you think you wouldn 't want your parents finding out ? " " No , that 's Scott I think . Nancy 's boyfriend . He 's twelve too . You should pay more attention to Alexis ' friends . Who else ? " " Do you have your friends ' phone numbers ? " her mother repeated . " You 're not in trouble , but don 't go showing your friends that stuff anymore . But I still need to tell their parents . " " Oh , don 't worry about it , Jeff . They 're getting about that age , you know , when they start to get curious . Hell , I 've caught my son a few times looking at porn on the Internet , I 'm sure what he saw at your house was mild compared to some of the crap on there . In fact , don 't tell Alexis I know this , but I think I caught them the other day . . . um , experimenting , shall we say ? No , I didn 't see them , but I think I came home at the wrong time , and John seemed really embarrassed , you know ? And his fly was unzipped , but I won 't get into all the details , I guess that 's just between my son and your daughter . I mean , these kids are getting more sexually active these days ; I never even kissed a girl till I was seventeen , and these kids at twelve . . . still , that 's the way of things now . " " Oh , she was bound to find out sooner or later . She 's getting that age , you know . I mean , we have that parental blocker software to keep her off Internet porn , but with what she sees on TV anyway . . . She steals my romance novels , you know . I figure it 's better to read about it classy than watch vulgar stuff on the Internet , so I don 't do anything about it . . . but like I said , it 's really not a big deal , but thanks for telling me . I 'll talk to her about it , and make sure she doesn 't get the wrong impression of sex . It 's about time we had that talk with her anyway . Should 've done it a couple years ago , when she had her first period . " " You WHAT ? ! You let my son watch SMUT ? ! How DARE you show my kid such filthy things ! Oh , it was your son , now , was it ? Your son - your SON - you have a SON and I don 't care what you people tell others , you are a bunch a freaky people , all of you , and I will forbid my son from talking to yours again ! No , they won 't be ' hanging out ' anymore , and did you know your son has a boyfriend ? You think he won 't be traumatized when he finds out he 's been getting all kissy - kissy with a boy ? It 'll turn him GAY , that 's what it 'll do ! I ought to go ahead and call Child Services because of what you do to your boy . YES HE ' S A BOY AND DON ' T PRETEND OTHERWISE ! Does he have a - p - penis ? Then he 's a boy ! What 's the matter with you ? Everybody knows he 's a boy , and you 're turning him into a freak ! I don 't care if you give him boy 's clothes , I 've seen him , you must give him a bra and stuff it or something - NO THEY ' RE NOT ! You mean to tell me that boy has B - BREASTS ? I 'll bet you give him that hormone stuff that turns him into a girl . I WILL be calling Child Services now ; you are dangerous people . GOOD BYE ! " " Scott won 't be in trouble , will he ? " Alexis asked . At first she felt immense relief that John and Nancy 's parents were so good about it , but now she was ready to cry just hearing the shouting match between her father and Scott 's mother . " My mom gave me ' the talk ' , " Nancy chimed in . " She told me sex wasn 't really like what we saw , but she told me that it wasn 't really like what was in her books , either . I can 't wait till we take sex ed next year so I can find out what it 's really like . " " I don 't think sex ed will tell you much , " Alexis said , " except the science behind it . I don 't think they 'll teach you what it feels like . I mean , it 's not like it 's a hands - on course ! " " Ooh , that 'd be so fun ! " Nancy said . She still had not tried masturbation yet , but it was in the back of her mind more often that not . At this moment , she was visualizing a sex ed class where she and Scott got to go up to the front of the room to give an in - class demonstration of sex . She did not yet realize that , in the adult world , that was called exhibitionism . She didn 't know yet that it was a fetish , a taboo , something that lots of people were interested in , and something that others thought was sick and weird . In her mind , having sex in a sex ed class as perfectly logical as playing with chemicals in a chemistry class . Alexis looked away , avoiding Nancy 's eyes . ' Maybe it 's my fault Scott isn 't here , ' Alexis thought to herself , and felt ashamed . ' It wasn 't right to push him to be there , it wasn 't right to make him come . He knew he 'd be in trouble , and we shouldn 't have made him come . ' " I 'll go to his house after school and see what 's up , " Nancy said . " Maybe he 's just sick . " But nobody really thought so . Nancy did not find out why Scott had been absent that day . She had gone to Scott 's house to find out , but she had been shooed away before she was allowed to come in . The next day yielded no further results , but she never told Alexis and John the specifics of what had happened on those occasions . It was the topic that Nancy did not want to talk about . " I don 't even want to tell you . Just saying what he 's done is not good for you . You might get ideas and I don 't want to be responsible for it . " " I 'll bet that boy told everyone in school . Scott 's so ashamed he 'll never be able to show his face in school again , and I don 't blame him . I 've arranged to have the rest of his schoolwork mailed to us , and I 'll be sending him to a private school next year , like I should 've done from the first . I 'm sorry , but Scott will not be coming to school anymore , and he can 't play with you right now . I 'm sure he doesn 't want to see anyone anyway . I can 't blame him , though , not completely . I think it 's those weirdoes fault more than my boy 's . " Scott 's mother let out a soft wail . " Oh ! So you 're the ' boyfriend ' , well you 're in for a surprise , because your ' girlfriend ' is a boy . Tell your parents that quickly , before you do anything you regret , I hope you haven 't kissed him yet ? " John did , in fact , tell his parents , but he didn 't tell them what Scott 's mother wanted them to know . He told them the entire conversation as best as he could recall , interjecting with his own comments about how she was such a bitch , which was the only way he could describe her ignorance ( since he didn 't pay attention in English and hadn 't remembered the vocabulary word ' ignorance ' he had recently learned ) , which he got yelled at for . His parents understood him though , and didn 't like what they heard . " That may be so . But it 's not our place to change that . She has the right to take him out of school if she wants . " That was the end of John , Alexis , and Nancy 's relations with Scott . None of them were allowed to communicate with Scott at all , they never even saw him . It was like he was a prisoner in his own house , but they couldn 't do anything about it . John felt helpless , and Alexis cried in bed at night , when she thought of Scott , believing herself to be the cause of his imprisonment . On the last day of school , Alexis wrote a little note to Scott reading simply " We miss you so much , " and signed her name , as well as John 's and Nancy 's for them , even though they knew nothing about it . She stuck the note in Scott 's mailbox and walked away . She did not know that Scott would never see it , because Scott 's mother would find it first , rip it up , and throw it out . Nancy reacted much differently . She got angry at first , standing in front of Scott 's house and calling Scott 's mother nasty names for all the neighbors to hear . When she tired of that , she would run around the block , or work extra hard in gym class . At night , she wrote in her diary some of the vilest things she wanted to do to Scott 's mother . And then , just as school ended for the summer , Nancy went through a short grieving phase , feeling sad and sorry for herself , and wishing she still had Scott . . . . really ? What kind of " fucked dipshit " writes this stuff ? First off , this site has a nifty little invention , known as the SEARCH FUNCTION . Second off , every story has these neat little things called TAGS on it . These magical TAGS tell u whats in the story , and are put there to keep peoples " tender sensibilities " from being hurt . If you dont like the story , dont read it . If you read it thinking it was something else , go back and pick a different one . And , if you are to mentally handicapped to understand the function of the " back " button , GTFO the internet ! . . . really ? What kind of " fucked dipshit " writes this stuff ? First off , this site has a nifty little invention , known as the SEARCH FUNCTION . Second off , every story has these neat little things called TAGS on it . These magical TAGS tell u whats in the story , and are put there to keep peoples " tender sensibilities " from being hurt . If you dont like the story , dont read it . If you read it thinking it was something else , go back and pick a different one . And , if you are to mentally handicapped to understand the function of the " back " button , GTFO the internet ! |
I took the youngest 5 to the grocery store for dog food and had Ava crying for the ride there and the first 10 minutes at the Customer Service counter . She was upset but not out of control . Michael lost it . I have no idea what started it but he went down hill fast . I had to hold his arms to keep him from knocking things over . I knew the trip was going to have to move quickly to make it out in one piece . I whispered to the clerk that is he had any weird complaints about us to just call the police and we headed off to get the 4 things we needed . I had to hold his wrist to keep him from running and knocking everything over . He began pinching me over and over . I kept smiling to the other children and moving along . He flung out his other arm and knocked something off the shelf . I gave him the opportunity to pick it up or I would help him . He refused so I took each of his arms and helped him pick it up . A nosey man decided to intervene . He told me , " A little nice would go along way , Lady . He didn 't do anything , I saw it fall . " Considering the fact I saw him knock it off , I responded politely and calmly . I explained that there was more going on than he realized and my son has emotional issues . He accused me being mean , that helped the situation so much . Another woman walked by and offered her assistance , she quietly told me she understood what was happening and told me to hang in there . We made it to the check out and he threw himself around there until I carried him out . Once in the van , he refused to wear a seat belt . I helped him put it on and he took it off repeatedly . I helped him out of our van and spoke to him nicely even though I wanted to scream . He ran to the other side of the van . I called the police . I was pretty matter of fact with the operator and told her he refused to cooperate and I couldn 't go home . They sent an officer . He was polite and let me explain , I showed him our letter from the therapist warning of violent tantrums . My son is terrified of him and starts crying . He can 't answer simple questions lPosted by It was another decent night of sleeping . Maybe I can get back on track now . We are baking brownies right now for our play date with a local Mommy and Me group . All the kids will be between 1 - 4 yrs old but Patches is really excited to play with them . She has come so far with younger children that I am completely comfortable with her doing just that . Emma has pink eye and I let her stay home from school so she will be joining us . I have a feeling I was manipulated by them both somehow so she could go . I think she needs this time with me and it will be fun . Still haven 't heard anything from the darn Detective . They were to be picked up by yesterday and I know they were home at 8PM per the aunt . Michael was able to verbalize his feeling yesterday after his tantrum . The kids thought it was funny he rang the doorbell to ask if he may rejoin our family on our terms not his . He did his restitution and had a calm evening . I think I posted about this the other day but it is still really bothering me . I have joined this great Moms forum for Moms in my area . I thought it would be a great place to start meeting friends for both the kids and I . They have a lot of play dates and activities but they communicate a lot online . I keep reading trying to relate and post but when I type it all out I erase it b / c I am afraid my parenting experience is so different . There is very little I have in common with them . They seem to make sill comments about things w / o thinking it through , if I said those things to my children I am afraid of the damage it would do . It 's not that they are rude or mean it that they do not have to think about everything they say and do like I do . They are parenting by the seat of their pants and I have to think out every detail of the tiniest activity or comment . Does this even make sense ? It just points out how abnormal we are . Damn it I want to rejoin society and I am realizing not only are our parenting styles obviously different but our size alone scares people off . I guess I hoped not to share our emotional issuPosted by My son threw the XBOX remote at Emma when his turn was up . He then looked in my face and called me a liar even though he knows I saw it . I asked him to try again and he went off on a screaming fit . I escorted him to our beautiful back porch to find a plan to make this up to us . He has been back there for over an hour with no end in sight . He hates me . Oh well . I guess the other kids can eat his dinner if he chooses to remain there . I had a couple glasses of wine over the phone with my kids ' aunt and we had our own little pity party b / c her DH is not home right now either . I adore this woman , our friendship is one of the best things to come out of this adoption , besides the kids . She had called to tell me about another allegation against the parents , their maternal uncle has accused them of raping his daughter and they have accused him of doing it to his daughter . This is the same 14 yr old cousin that had been hanging out with them and I reported to the Detective handling their case . I pray they are both wrong . I was able to fall asleep due to the wine but I hadn 't thought about the possibility of a hangover since I rarely drink . I got one . Not fun . I took some pain reliever and got them off to school so I could lay back down . I had to shut off my phone b / c some 800 number kept calling me over and over . I think I got about 6 hours total so I am feeling like a new woman . I feel optimistic again . I don 't think I will try the wine again for quite awhile , though . Our neighbor brought over his grandsons to play with my kids last night . I was a bit nervous to let them go out and had a quick chat about rules first . I watched them from the kitchen window and quickly realized there wouldn 't be an issue b / c my kids couldn 't catch the little boogers if they had to . After about 10 minutes , Emma and Cyr came in complaining they we tired of chasing the boys . The others came in one at a time about every 5 minutes until the boys had to leave . My kids need to learn to be active . Emma hates to sweat , she is too prissy . Cyr will lay in front of the TV without it on just waiting for me to agree . the rest will play outside but at a much slower pace than the boys did . I have to agree they were fast . We had 7 Layer Burritos for dinner and Cyr ate about 2 cups of guacamole by the spoonful when we were done . They managed to scarf down an entire gallon of strawberries in 5 minutes . I am armed with a plan to sleep . I picked up a bottle of wine and plan to have an entire glass of it when I take my Melatonin . I tried to find Natural Calm but wouldn 't you know they were surprised to be out of it . I warned the kids I am still crazy tired and I would be sleeping alone . Cyr left my bed in the middle of the night and confirmed to the children I was not easy to rest with . The kids brought home their progress reports and I couldn 't tell how well they were doing . They should give you a grade or number or something . They don 't , it is the weirdest thing I have ever seen . I will try to scan it in when they go to school for opinions b / c I am lost . Cyr was the only one that I found grades on and I am so proud to say she went from a D to a B in Math . Her Reading dropped to a D but everything else was great . It is a huge improvement form last progress report when she had 3 or 4 Ds . Kids are still practicing their new attitudes and Patches and Michael are working as a team to clean up the living room w / o me standing over them . Y ' all are the greatest ! I just felt terrible for screaming like that . It has never bothered me when they are hateful b / c I know it is not me , it just really got to me yesterday . I guess I needed a pity party . I had figured we would have a tough weekend b / c their parents are being charged and arrested today , I hadn 't counted on the lack of sleep . I will try that Natural Calm , for sure . This weekend won 't slow me down , overall I see huge improvements from each of them in their own ways . I gave them Little Debbies and milk for dinner . I swear I normally feed them very healthy food , no one was hungry after a really late lunch and I thought it would be silly after such a hard day . I was a bit weepy the rest of the day but they had no idea . I sent them all to bed a little early hoping to go to sleep myself . At 2AM I shut off the TV and laid there until 3 : 30 when I refused to look at the clock again . On a very personal note , I now have 2 daughters that have become a " woman " . She was in the bathroom a long time and I asked if she was OK . She told me no . I reminded her of our conversation just last week and she got a deer in the headlights look . We had another talk about what it means ans I asked her only question . " OMG , I could get pregnant ? " I laughed out loud and and agreed . SHe confirmed she wouldn 't be doing that until marriage ( My fingers are crossed ) and I told her we could certainly talk about this anytime she wanted . The have finally driven me to the point I sobbed . I felt unable to control my voice , my feelings , and my body . No one was hurt but it is only b / c I put them on the back porch . Please understand I would never hurt my children physically but I needed space from 5 of them . This was the second time in 2 years that I got to the point I had to separate myself from them . I did have a point to why they were on the porch but first I will tell you about what brought me to that point . I am back to having sleeping issues again . It has been a life long issue and I have had it under control for about a year . All of the sudden it is way out of wack again and I panic all night that it will go on forever and the Melatonin won 't work anymore . I made the mistake of telling the kids to be quiet in the morning and let me sleep until 8 or so . I put a TV in their rooms for them to watch cartoons on the weekends only . Ava decided she would irritate them until they had to tell me . This was at 7 : 00 so I got 3 hours of sleep . Patches broke the shelf on the fridge I just sold and asked her to wipe off the outside of it . She hid it and didn 't tell me . Now I am sure they guy will want his money back . I need the money . Ella is so determined to be a victim she makes up things so she can be pitiful . I know it sounds silly but it is extremely frustrating dealing with her in this area . Overall they were their usual selves until my son flipped out and attacked me like he used to b / c I asked him to put something in the laundry room . I had to hold him for what seemed like forever . I became upset and just let him go . He was so shocked he didn 't move . I ran to my room and cried . I never do this . I feel like I have control over our home and their issues . They just don 't get to me , they can act like crazy people and I have never taken it personally before . I know alot of it is I am tired and miss my DH . I came out a few minutes later and only Emma asked what was wrong . No one else cared . They were just as demanding and selfish as usual . I lasted maybe 5 miPosted by Most of the house got cleaned today and the rest will be tomorrow . Then I can start all over Monday . It just doesn 't seem fair . I miss my DH . He is stranded in CO with no phone b / c they do not get service there . Kids keep asking about him . Ella thinks he is coming home when she goes to sleep , she doesn 't grasp time . Lisa , I think it is rude you are having a getaway and won 't answer your phone . You had better be having fun . We are breaking our house rule of no kids in our bed . Since Dad is gone , I am allowing each child to rotate out on the weekend nights . I swear it is better than Disney for them . We are working on being " normal " . This is a very normal thing to do . Just like hugging your sibling when they are hurt , happy , or you are sorry . I noticed a few months ago , they do not touch nicely , only hitting or abusing . We are practicing alot of things . Humor is another . They do not know how to joke around and they shut down if you play with them . I have been giving them funny comebacks and wait patiently for them to repeat them . It is no longer funny when they say it but it is coming a bit quicker in the last 2 days for a few of them . I have to remind them they are not in trouble amny times and keep a grin slapped on my face til it hurts . I know it is weird but how can you have fun when you can 't tease or joke ? No news about the parents . Ruthie had a full blown meltdown and managed to kick me in the boob and neck 3 or 4 times . My finger nail got in the way and instead of breaking off like they usually do it turned inside out . I really wish it would have broken , this was much more painful and I had to suck it up and bend it back . It has turned a funny purple color and is so tender to touch I am not able to hit a key with it . It took several hours to calm her down and I am the only person hurt . Ella cried quite a bit during this episode but all the others were just irritated at her timing . Now on to the great . I witnessed with my own eyes a miracle , true remorse from Cyr . There is no doubt this was sincere , it was her own words , and there were LOTS of tears . I brought up the parents pending arrests and asked her what are the differences and similarities between what she did and what they did . I waited patiently and almost moved on when I realized she wasn 't talking b / c she was choked up . She was completely confused and surprised so she wasn 't sure what to do . She let me hold her and she managed to speak between sobs that what she did was worse b / c the kids trusted her to take care of them . She admitted she resents them ( nothing new ) but she feels bad for it . Of course there was a lot more but you get the idea . She feels like crap ! Yeah ! ! ! ! ! That officially goes on the list of things I never thought I would say about my children . I couldn 't be more proud of her , she has so far to go but this is was 100 steps in the right direction . I can 't wait for therapy tomorrow . She just came out of her room b / c she forgot to hug me , someone has possessed my child . The Detective and AT mentioned something yesterday that kept me up all night worrying . Both mentioned not to speak to any media when they call . WTF ? The AT went into a bit of an explanation but I failed to ask the detective anything and just agreed . The AT said that when they are arrested it will be all over the news b / c it is a big case with many serious charges . The reporters will dig right in . He is concerned that b / c we have an open adoption with extended family they may mention their new names or area of town we live and we can be located that way . I sure hope not , the kids will be devastated . We talked about last night about how they are heroes for telling us what happened . They hadn 't thought of it that way before and you could just see their heads held a bit higher and their attitudes improved . They are heroes , they saved other children from being hurt by telling . Ruthie told me last night out of no where that she is very angry her parents are lying and she admitted they are bad people for the first time . SHe wasn 't upset , that alone is huge for her , she was very matter of fact . She is mad , they are bad . Of course then she didn 't go to sleep but she didn 't lay there and cry either . Yeah ! The Detective called me several times this morning to tell me details of the case . She is so great , she has just one more interview with the paternal aunt and it will be recorded . She already talked to her and she is willing to testify that the kids ' father did the same thing to her as a child . She has not had any contact with their father since she was in foster care as a child and then adopted . The D . A . and the Detective had a meeting yesterday and they have all they need to charge them . They will be picking them up Monday or Tuesday ! They will video their mother and hope she blames the father and in the process confess herself . I will be doing a happy dance the minute I find out they have been arrested . My first night without my DH sucked . BAD . I had a hard time falling asleep , DH called and woke me up , then I had an even harder time going back to sleep , once I was sound asleep I woke b / c I smelled something horrible that turned out to be the dog 's diarrhea he spread all over the floor by DH 's side and was licking it up , I grabbed him and ran outside in my underwear and T shirt praying no one would drive by , came back in changed the sheets , Lysoled the floor and bedspread , woke up all the kids with the noise , comforted all the kids back to sleep , and laid awake until an hour or so before the alarm clock went off . If he had been home I could have gotten him to take care of his dog , I miss him already . Great thing happened today despite the lingering smell of dog poop . My son came up to me and told me out of the blue that he had cried the night I took back the picture of myself he kept in his room . This was genuine feelings , he was very sad that he had lost the privilege of having it in his room and he felt bad he had hurt my feelings . I bawled . I know it was b / c I am so tired that I am actually shaking but I think I might have teared up a bit even if I wasn 't . This is the first time he has ever done such a mature , heartfelt thing . I am the proudest mom in the world . I raced to the school today after AT and had luPosted by My sweet Pook ( DH ) leaves around lunch tomorrow and the kids have started attacking me instead of talking about their feelings . I asked my son to help Ruthie unload the few dishes in the dishwasher and he went off . He began throwing everything he could get his hands on at me and the girls . I picked his tiny body up and brought him to the kitchen hoping he would calm himself down . I was wrong . He began swinging at me and then kicking me once I had him to the floor . I love living in the country , I put them out on the huge back deck and let them scream their heads off . He let me know he hates me , he is calling DFCS , and he won 't do any chores . I thanked him for letting us know he doesn 't want to be a part of the family and left him out there . He began throwing things at the windows and house so I had to intervene . I approached him and he hit me several times before I got a grip on him . The mistake he made was letting my Dh see him hit me . My DH is calm and collected until I am injured and then this evil deep voice comes out and it even sounds scary to me . He would never hurt a fly but it sure sounds like he would . Michael decided to allow me to get him on the ground and eventually stopped crying . He is now doing the kitchen alone and for a week . The best part is Ruthie goes off on me every time one of the kids get in trouble . She hates me , I am stupid , she is calling DFCS , she is going to kill me , etc . I told her to get out , she was loved and we want her but I make her stay . She would never leave the deck but has been out there for about 20 minutes . If she wants to rejoin our family she will have to apologize to all of us for her nasty behavior and the kids will get to find a way for her to make it up to all of us . They both have fits but this was particularly aggressive for Michael and it had been brewing all day . He had tried to argue with me about everything from Ava 's meds to lifting the toilet seat . I hope they are able to talk and cry about things in the future instead of hurting themselves and others . I sure Posted by They did this over Spring Break . We all got these lovely make overs . Yes , they got a hold of me , too . Since I have all the control over which pictures get deleted there is no evidence to prove it . LOL Some of us got scary ones and some were not supposed to be scary but were . From left to right starting at the top - Gracie ( emma 's sister ) Paches , Emma , Michael , Ava , and EllaThe dark haired child is my niece , Abbie and the other one is Ava . Posted by I was told at the AT 's office that they were extremely concerned about Cyr 's need for uping the situation . When she is caught doing one thing she will stop that and begin with a new plan to try to deceive us . It is a constant struggle to figure her plans out . I blogged a small bit about her recent grooming of Emma and her dropping her Dad when a no contact rule was put in place . SHe later decided to begin slowly breaking that rule until she was able to get away with all her previous behaviors , I put a stop to that . The ATs ' concerns is that who will be next . Do we wait for her to get away with something that will change the life of one of my children and cause her to never return home or do we take the step of placing her out of the home in an RTC that will help her and support her through it and she can some day return home ? Her other behaviors are nonexistent . She will do almost anything I ask , of course , it is her way and never mine , she does her homework , she has no outbursts , she really has no other issues except her sexual predatory behaviors and her complete lack of emotions . Her AT claims that she has psychopathic behaviors that make her dangerous even though she seems harmless . I understand she does but I feel we have this under control . I couldn 't bare the thought of her hurting another one of my children and as awful as this sounds , particularly Emma . She has not been abused and I feel it would do more damage to her than the others who have already experienced this trauma . With all that said , we have decided to keep her here for several reasons . My DH has taken a job out of state for up to several months . He will make between 3 to 5 times his regular income and it gives Cyr and I time to work without his constant presence and distraction . He will return for the weekend after the first month a couple of times a month . I will have access to him via the phone , it will be an adjustment but since I do all the real work with the children , we will all manage and only have to miss him terribly . Another reason iPosted by Patches did very well today , no real meltdowns . She began to get frustrated with her online testing b / c they do it by age and do not consider the child may be 3 grade levels behind . She couldn 't even read the the sentences for the Reading one . I called to be sure they would place her properly and they insist they will be able to tell and that my input would be a big part of her placement . Today we learned about Egypt . We watched a program I recorded a week ago and I stopped it at every commercial to be sure she was understanding . Of course , she wasn 't so we discussed everything that happened . She really does struggle to understand what she hears or reads . The good thing is she loved learning about it and the snuggle time we fit in was a real hit . Makes me want to consider keeping Cyr home , too . LOL She giggled when I requested in an old snooty lady voice that she call me Mrs . D during the day . The other kids were very concerned about how she spent her day . Did she read ? What did she have for lunch ? When did she get done ? What time did she get up ? And on and on and on . All of the kids started out in the tent last night , most stayed there . No sooner did I reach our back door when the phone began to ring . Patches was sobbing , she was too scared to stay in the tent located 25 feet from our home directly under our very bright light . After speaking to me she was convinced to stay a bit longer but couldn 't do it all night . I am so proud of the rest that did . It was freezing outside and I was thankful I forced them into multiple layers and extra blankets . They basically ate a bunch of snacks and fell asleep . Everyone else came running back in at dawn to warm up . I can 't wait to take them camping for real so I can tell them scary stories and freak them all out . I am ready for them to return to school in the morning . I have enjoyed having them home but am anxious to get started on Patches schoolwork . She will begin learning about Ancient Egypt and The Universe . She received a cool telescope for Christmas that she has just earned back and we both really love that kind of stuff so we will be having fun . I have known Emma 's Mother , Nikki , since she was 12 yrs old . She became pregnant in her teens and parented her first daughter . She was encouraged to place her second daughter with her Aunt and since she was using Meth at the time , she went along . She immediately became pregnant again and was living with a toddler , her Mother , Mother 's boyfriend , brother , brother 's girlfriend , and Gma in a 2 bedroom trailer , everyone was a drug user . She kept Emma for a couple of weeks and the Aunt convinced her to leave the baby with her , she was hoping to persuade her to place the baby as well . Emma screamed for hours at a time and the Aunt couldn 't handle it . She called Nikki and Nikki called me to ask if I would go get her for the weekend . I was thrilled to do so . We agreed she would meet me on Monday and she didn 't call me back until Tuesday in the middle of the night . She had decided to leave the baby with us . A short time later Nikki was kicked out of her Mother 's house and called me crying . I drove several hours to get her and she moved in with us . I was terrified she would want the baby back and decided to try to help her parent . She lived with us for a few months and we helped her get an apartment and get out on her own . The first year was tough on all of us . I insisted on an open adoption and she wasn 't so sure . She told lies to her family telling them I stole the baby . She made threats to her friends that she was going to try to kidnap the baby . She eventually signed herself into a treatment facility and got back on track . She has slipped off the wagon a few times but we made an agreement early on , I would love her regardless of her drug use and issues and she was always free to see her child sober . She does not call if she is using and is honest with me about her drug use . I know I can completely trust her to be honest about it , she has tested it a few times but has been clean for a while now . She has parented her oldest and youngest daughters for the most part . Her Mother has had legal guardianship for years but Nikki hPosted by She is still gone and I miss her so much . My heart aches when any of my children are gone but this has been a very long visit . She left on Tuesday and won 't be back until Saturday . She is being spoiled rotten . They have been to The Cabbage Patch , on a picnic , to the lake , and to the playground every day . She is going to be tough to deal with for awhile . after her return . I can 't wait to hear her whine about our rules , that is how much I miss her . When I went to fill new prescriptions for the kids the pharmacist made a comment about how wonderfully behaved my children were after waiting for over an hour . She went on to say she was surprised they were the same kids I was filling the meds for and she never would have suspected they had the kinds of issues they must have to need drugs this strong . I thanked her for the round about way she complimented the kids and told her the only reason they seemed to not need the drugs is b / c they take those drugs every day . She laughed and said she never thought of that . We left home at 9 AM and returned at 6PM . It was a tough day for everyone involved and I am glad it is over . This visit to the Psychiatrist was the initial visit to her and took a lot longer than I had hoped . We doubled Patches and Michael 's meds and added Risperdal to Ava . I am happy with her decisions . Patches and Michael showed their butts in the waiting room and in her office so she got to see a minor version of their behaviors . Patches was in shut down mode and refused to look at her or speak , when I tried to touch her arm she flinched and hollered . Michael beat his head against the wall and kicked the floor the entire time only screaming out a few times but mocked me the entire visit with hand motions and nasty faces behind my back . She loved the way I dealt with the kids and told them how lucky they were . HAHAHAHAHA , if she only knew I really wanted to beat their cute little rears at times like this . This is the 2nd morning in a row I have gotten up with a migraine . I took something and needed to lay back down for a bit with a warm rag . The kids had a better idea and got up , I told them to go watch cartoons for a bit thinking Cyr was still in bed . SHe has hit that lovely age when she can sleep through a tornado , not today though . SHe had somehow gotten past me . Michael and the twins asked to get dressed and I agreed . The part that made me shoot outta bed and run downstairs was when the front door slammed . They decided if they were dressed they could go outside . Not here . I have to supervise b / c they still do not help each other out like they should . They do not feel pain and tend to not ask for help when they really need it but cry like they are dying over a paper cut . It is very strange but the others do not respond appropriately either . It is getting better but an adult must be " around " when they are playing outside , just in case . Ruthie is really struggling with emotions lately . I think the move is to blame but she is blaming us again for her removal from her parents care and them for any poor choice shePosted by My house is SPOTLESS ! The only thing I need to do is the playroom and while it is picked up it is not organized like I would like . Maybe Wednesday I will get to it . Today is a lazy day , tomorrow we have 5 Psychiatrist appointments . Kids are behaving beautifully and are quiet . I have managed to ignore any beginnings of trouble and it seems to be working . Our check came a week early this month . I have never had money show up early before , I hope they have rescheduled the day they cut the checks and it is this way from now on . Probably too good to be true . I spoke at length with the Detective and she is very hopeful this will be resolved in the next month . She has spoken to the paternal side and only has one more person to find there . They had lots of interesting info about the parents and they are looking into more abuse charges of extended family . She is fairly confident they will be removing 2 little girls from their Great Gma soon for the same reason they are investigating the parents . She is a seasoned detective and has been very surprised by this family history of incest / abuse . It is much more than we all thought . DFCS is hiding the files from her and they are now getting a supenea to get the files . We are anxiously awaiting the DNA results and she is questioning the paternity of our oldest now based on something the Mother said . She will be starting in on the maternal side next week and hopes to open a can of worms on them . I left the AT 's office today feeling like I had been an interruption in his busy day . We spent 3 hours for Patches and Cyr and then only an hour with our male AT for the other 4 . He has never been so quick to get us out of there . We got no where and discussed only superficial things . I guess every one has a bad day once in a while . The AT is very worried about Patches and her acting out at school . She and I agree she is under so much pressure and it is really taking a toll quickly . Her self esteem is shot , she is mean and aggressive to her peers and the bus driver , she is not doing her classwork , and she is hurting herself again . The AT really wants me to get her out of school for the rest of the year and home school her the rest of this one and next . She feels she needs it to adjust and make progress she can maintain . The only place I know of that does a home / virtual school is no longer accepting applications for this year . Any suggestions ? So far I haven 't heard from the detective , the aunt called back and had run into the parents at Walmart . They claimed to have been questioned and walked out in the middle of it . Both refused to give up the other . The Mother claimed she will not go to jail , she will run . The Father didn 't say much other than he didn 't do anything . That 's all I know , not enough to feel relief and too much to relax . Spring Break starts today for my kids . I have 3 nieces and Em 's sister coming for most of the week . The house will be full of kids . I got a call shortly after talking to a fellow blogger and was told my kids ' parents had just been picked up . The parents were told it was about the kids and their allegations of sexual about the former BF of a family member . I am sure it was but the detective told me they would probably use this as a way to get them both in if they couldn 't catch her alone . I am anxious to hear how it goes . Will she break down and tell the truth ? Will he explode and threaten the officers ? Will they get charged ? A million different things could happen , they could get away with it being the worst . I will update the minute I find out what has happened . . . . . So a few more fun things I have tortured the kids with in addition to washing the poor stinky dog . Cyr received a Stinkiest Feet Award . I have hidden hundreds of tiny fuzzy balls under their covers . A sanitary napkin covered in " blood " placed by the toilet . ( They didn 't even notice b / c my nasty dd has done this before . Finally Ella saw it and told me so I picked it up and smelled it , told Cyr it was gross to leave it there , she denied it , and I licked the ketchup off it while she started heaving . LOL ) Pretended to run out of gas on the freeway . Put mustaches on them with washable / edible markers . Taped notes to their back that said , " Tell me you love me " , " Tell me I am smart " , and " I have boogers " . Tied the sprayer on the kitchen faucet and one by one requested they wash their hands after touching the dog . It nailed every child in the face and chest , only Michael walked away and didn 't shut off the water . Had my DH sign a fake permission slip for a field trip to outer space . Convinced the kids they would be going to a camp this summer , chore camp . I even had the brochure that I found on the internet . We are expecting blizzard like conditions here today and the snow may reach up to 4 feet . The kids were warned not to step outside b / c they may sink to the bottom and be lost until Summer . The Cat in The Hat crank called us last night around 11 : 30 PM and once I realized it was him , I invited him over today for a snack . Cyr was bitten by a bedbug last night on her elbow and was warned to watch it carefully all day for it to turn black . If it does she is to immediately report it to an adult so we can rush her in to the hospital . You know how they get infected so quickly and in rare cases the entire arm must be amputated to save the head from rotting off . Every child believed me , they were so surprised when I had them lined up ready for the bus and announced " April Fools ! " . They had no idea what it was or when they had been tricked . I explained what it meant ( just like last year , duh ! ) and asked them to tell me what I have said that sounded like a trick . Most couldn 't think of any . Too bad I wasn 't kidding when I told them they all have bloodwork at the AT 's today . LOLFonzo the dog is home . He also brought a cold with him . He is so much calmer and well behaved . He is listening to the commands and following them . He has not jumped on a single kid or acted crazy at all . Yeah ! ! ! ! This is about my life loving a bunch of crazy people . We are searching for ways to cope and heal from an alphabet soup of diagnosis . I am proud to be the mother of the bravest people I know . I am the mother of 10 children , 6 are part of a large sibling group we adopted through foster care in 2006 , 2 are our grown foster daughters , 2 are from independent infant adoptions in 2001 and 2008 . Every one of them have their own issues to work through from Schizo - Affective Disorder , Generalized Anxiety Disorder , Complex PTSD , Reactive Attachment Disorder , Sensory Integration Dysfunction , ADHD , and Cerebral Palsy . Most of our children have been victims of sexual abuse by a close family member , most acted out sexually or exhibited predatory behaviors . We are currently trying to figure out where the trauma ends and mental illness begins in each of their lives . |
I took the youngest 5 to the grocery store for dog food and had Ava crying for the ride there and the first 10 minutes at the Customer Service counter . She was upset but not out of control . Michael lost it . I have no idea what started it but he went down hill fast . I had to hold his arms to keep him from knocking things over . I knew the trip was going to have to move quickly to make it out in one piece . I whispered to the clerk that is he had any weird complaints about us to just call the police and we headed off to get the 4 things we needed . I had to hold his wrist to keep him from running and knocking everything over . He began pinching me over and over . I kept smiling to the other children and moving along . He flung out his other arm and knocked something off the shelf . I gave him the opportunity to pick it up or I would help him . He refused so I took each of his arms and helped him pick it up . A nosey man decided to intervene . He told me , " A little nice would go along way , Lady . He didn 't do anything , I saw it fall . " Considering the fact I saw him knock it off , I responded politely and calmly . I explained that there was more going on than he realized and my son has emotional issues . He accused me being mean , that helped the situation so much . Another woman walked by and offered her assistance , she quietly told me she understood what was happening and told me to hang in there . We made it to the check out and he threw himself around there until I carried him out . Once in the van , he refused to wear a seat belt . I helped him put it on and he took it off repeatedly . I helped him out of our van and spoke to him nicely even though I wanted to scream . He ran to the other side of the van . I called the police . I was pretty matter of fact with the operator and told her he refused to cooperate and I couldn 't go home . They sent an officer . He was polite and let me explain , I showed him our letter from the therapist warning of violent tantrums . My son is terrified of him and starts crying . He can 't answer simple questions lPosted by It was another decent night of sleeping . Maybe I can get back on track now . We are baking brownies right now for our play date with a local Mommy and Me group . All the kids will be between 1 - 4 yrs old but Patches is really excited to play with them . She has come so far with younger children that I am completely comfortable with her doing just that . Emma has pink eye and I let her stay home from school so she will be joining us . I have a feeling I was manipulated by them both somehow so she could go . I think she needs this time with me and it will be fun . Still haven 't heard anything from the darn Detective . They were to be picked up by yesterday and I know they were home at 8PM per the aunt . Michael was able to verbalize his feeling yesterday after his tantrum . The kids thought it was funny he rang the doorbell to ask if he may rejoin our family on our terms not his . He did his restitution and had a calm evening . I think I posted about this the other day but it is still really bothering me . I have joined this great Moms forum for Moms in my area . I thought it would be a great place to start meeting friends for both the kids and I . They have a lot of play dates and activities but they communicate a lot online . I keep reading trying to relate and post but when I type it all out I erase it b / c I am afraid my parenting experience is so different . There is very little I have in common with them . They seem to make sill comments about things w / o thinking it through , if I said those things to my children I am afraid of the damage it would do . It 's not that they are rude or mean it that they do not have to think about everything they say and do like I do . They are parenting by the seat of their pants and I have to think out every detail of the tiniest activity or comment . Does this even make sense ? It just points out how abnormal we are . Damn it I want to rejoin society and I am realizing not only are our parenting styles obviously different but our size alone scares people off . I guess I hoped not to share our emotional issuPosted by My son threw the XBOX remote at Emma when his turn was up . He then looked in my face and called me a liar even though he knows I saw it . I asked him to try again and he went off on a screaming fit . I escorted him to our beautiful back porch to find a plan to make this up to us . He has been back there for over an hour with no end in sight . He hates me . Oh well . I guess the other kids can eat his dinner if he chooses to remain there . I had a couple glasses of wine over the phone with my kids ' aunt and we had our own little pity party b / c her DH is not home right now either . I adore this woman , our friendship is one of the best things to come out of this adoption , besides the kids . She had called to tell me about another allegation against the parents , their maternal uncle has accused them of raping his daughter and they have accused him of doing it to his daughter . This is the same 14 yr old cousin that had been hanging out with them and I reported to the Detective handling their case . I pray they are both wrong . I was able to fall asleep due to the wine but I hadn 't thought about the possibility of a hangover since I rarely drink . I got one . Not fun . I took some pain reliever and got them off to school so I could lay back down . I had to shut off my phone b / c some 800 number kept calling me over and over . I think I got about 6 hours total so I am feeling like a new woman . I feel optimistic again . I don 't think I will try the wine again for quite awhile , though . Our neighbor brought over his grandsons to play with my kids last night . I was a bit nervous to let them go out and had a quick chat about rules first . I watched them from the kitchen window and quickly realized there wouldn 't be an issue b / c my kids couldn 't catch the little boogers if they had to . After about 10 minutes , Emma and Cyr came in complaining they we tired of chasing the boys . The others came in one at a time about every 5 minutes until the boys had to leave . My kids need to learn to be active . Emma hates to sweat , she is too prissy . Cyr will lay in front of the TV without it on just waiting for me to agree . the rest will play outside but at a much slower pace than the boys did . I have to agree they were fast . We had 7 Layer Burritos for dinner and Cyr ate about 2 cups of guacamole by the spoonful when we were done . They managed to scarf down an entire gallon of strawberries in 5 minutes . I am armed with a plan to sleep . I picked up a bottle of wine and plan to have an entire glass of it when I take my Melatonin . I tried to find Natural Calm but wouldn 't you know they were surprised to be out of it . I warned the kids I am still crazy tired and I would be sleeping alone . Cyr left my bed in the middle of the night and confirmed to the children I was not easy to rest with . The kids brought home their progress reports and I couldn 't tell how well they were doing . They should give you a grade or number or something . They don 't , it is the weirdest thing I have ever seen . I will try to scan it in when they go to school for opinions b / c I am lost . Cyr was the only one that I found grades on and I am so proud to say she went from a D to a B in Math . Her Reading dropped to a D but everything else was great . It is a huge improvement form last progress report when she had 3 or 4 Ds . Kids are still practicing their new attitudes and Patches and Michael are working as a team to clean up the living room w / o me standing over them . Y ' all are the greatest ! I just felt terrible for screaming like that . It has never bothered me when they are hateful b / c I know it is not me , it just really got to me yesterday . I guess I needed a pity party . I had figured we would have a tough weekend b / c their parents are being charged and arrested today , I hadn 't counted on the lack of sleep . I will try that Natural Calm , for sure . This weekend won 't slow me down , overall I see huge improvements from each of them in their own ways . I gave them Little Debbies and milk for dinner . I swear I normally feed them very healthy food , no one was hungry after a really late lunch and I thought it would be silly after such a hard day . I was a bit weepy the rest of the day but they had no idea . I sent them all to bed a little early hoping to go to sleep myself . At 2AM I shut off the TV and laid there until 3 : 30 when I refused to look at the clock again . On a very personal note , I now have 2 daughters that have become a " woman " . She was in the bathroom a long time and I asked if she was OK . She told me no . I reminded her of our conversation just last week and she got a deer in the headlights look . We had another talk about what it means ans I asked her only question . " OMG , I could get pregnant ? " I laughed out loud and and agreed . SHe confirmed she wouldn 't be doing that until marriage ( My fingers are crossed ) and I told her we could certainly talk about this anytime she wanted . The have finally driven me to the point I sobbed . I felt unable to control my voice , my feelings , and my body . No one was hurt but it is only b / c I put them on the back porch . Please understand I would never hurt my children physically but I needed space from 5 of them . This was the second time in 2 years that I got to the point I had to separate myself from them . I did have a point to why they were on the porch but first I will tell you about what brought me to that point . I am back to having sleeping issues again . It has been a life long issue and I have had it under control for about a year . All of the sudden it is way out of wack again and I panic all night that it will go on forever and the Melatonin won 't work anymore . I made the mistake of telling the kids to be quiet in the morning and let me sleep until 8 or so . I put a TV in their rooms for them to watch cartoons on the weekends only . Ava decided she would irritate them until they had to tell me . This was at 7 : 00 so I got 3 hours of sleep . Patches broke the shelf on the fridge I just sold and asked her to wipe off the outside of it . She hid it and didn 't tell me . Now I am sure they guy will want his money back . I need the money . Ella is so determined to be a victim she makes up things so she can be pitiful . I know it sounds silly but it is extremely frustrating dealing with her in this area . Overall they were their usual selves until my son flipped out and attacked me like he used to b / c I asked him to put something in the laundry room . I had to hold him for what seemed like forever . I became upset and just let him go . He was so shocked he didn 't move . I ran to my room and cried . I never do this . I feel like I have control over our home and their issues . They just don 't get to me , they can act like crazy people and I have never taken it personally before . I know alot of it is I am tired and miss my DH . I came out a few minutes later and only Emma asked what was wrong . No one else cared . They were just as demanding and selfish as usual . I lasted maybe 5 miPosted by Most of the house got cleaned today and the rest will be tomorrow . Then I can start all over Monday . It just doesn 't seem fair . I miss my DH . He is stranded in CO with no phone b / c they do not get service there . Kids keep asking about him . Ella thinks he is coming home when she goes to sleep , she doesn 't grasp time . Lisa , I think it is rude you are having a getaway and won 't answer your phone . You had better be having fun . We are breaking our house rule of no kids in our bed . Since Dad is gone , I am allowing each child to rotate out on the weekend nights . I swear it is better than Disney for them . We are working on being " normal " . This is a very normal thing to do . Just like hugging your sibling when they are hurt , happy , or you are sorry . I noticed a few months ago , they do not touch nicely , only hitting or abusing . We are practicing alot of things . Humor is another . They do not know how to joke around and they shut down if you play with them . I have been giving them funny comebacks and wait patiently for them to repeat them . It is no longer funny when they say it but it is coming a bit quicker in the last 2 days for a few of them . I have to remind them they are not in trouble amny times and keep a grin slapped on my face til it hurts . I know it is weird but how can you have fun when you can 't tease or joke ? No news about the parents . Ruthie had a full blown meltdown and managed to kick me in the boob and neck 3 or 4 times . My finger nail got in the way and instead of breaking off like they usually do it turned inside out . I really wish it would have broken , this was much more painful and I had to suck it up and bend it back . It has turned a funny purple color and is so tender to touch I am not able to hit a key with it . It took several hours to calm her down and I am the only person hurt . Ella cried quite a bit during this episode but all the others were just irritated at her timing . Now on to the great . I witnessed with my own eyes a miracle , true remorse from Cyr . There is no doubt this was sincere , it was her own words , and there were LOTS of tears . I brought up the parents pending arrests and asked her what are the differences and similarities between what she did and what they did . I waited patiently and almost moved on when I realized she wasn 't talking b / c she was choked up . She was completely confused and surprised so she wasn 't sure what to do . She let me hold her and she managed to speak between sobs that what she did was worse b / c the kids trusted her to take care of them . She admitted she resents them ( nothing new ) but she feels bad for it . Of course there was a lot more but you get the idea . She feels like crap ! Yeah ! ! ! ! ! That officially goes on the list of things I never thought I would say about my children . I couldn 't be more proud of her , she has so far to go but this is was 100 steps in the right direction . I can 't wait for therapy tomorrow . She just came out of her room b / c she forgot to hug me , someone has possessed my child . The Detective and AT mentioned something yesterday that kept me up all night worrying . Both mentioned not to speak to any media when they call . WTF ? The AT went into a bit of an explanation but I failed to ask the detective anything and just agreed . The AT said that when they are arrested it will be all over the news b / c it is a big case with many serious charges . The reporters will dig right in . He is concerned that b / c we have an open adoption with extended family they may mention their new names or area of town we live and we can be located that way . I sure hope not , the kids will be devastated . We talked about last night about how they are heroes for telling us what happened . They hadn 't thought of it that way before and you could just see their heads held a bit higher and their attitudes improved . They are heroes , they saved other children from being hurt by telling . Ruthie told me last night out of no where that she is very angry her parents are lying and she admitted they are bad people for the first time . SHe wasn 't upset , that alone is huge for her , she was very matter of fact . She is mad , they are bad . Of course then she didn 't go to sleep but she didn 't lay there and cry either . Yeah ! The Detective called me several times this morning to tell me details of the case . She is so great , she has just one more interview with the paternal aunt and it will be recorded . She already talked to her and she is willing to testify that the kids ' father did the same thing to her as a child . She has not had any contact with their father since she was in foster care as a child and then adopted . The D . A . and the Detective had a meeting yesterday and they have all they need to charge them . They will be picking them up Monday or Tuesday ! They will video their mother and hope she blames the father and in the process confess herself . I will be doing a happy dance the minute I find out they have been arrested . My first night without my DH sucked . BAD . I had a hard time falling asleep , DH called and woke me up , then I had an even harder time going back to sleep , once I was sound asleep I woke b / c I smelled something horrible that turned out to be the dog 's diarrhea he spread all over the floor by DH 's side and was licking it up , I grabbed him and ran outside in my underwear and T shirt praying no one would drive by , came back in changed the sheets , Lysoled the floor and bedspread , woke up all the kids with the noise , comforted all the kids back to sleep , and laid awake until an hour or so before the alarm clock went off . If he had been home I could have gotten him to take care of his dog , I miss him already . Great thing happened today despite the lingering smell of dog poop . My son came up to me and told me out of the blue that he had cried the night I took back the picture of myself he kept in his room . This was genuine feelings , he was very sad that he had lost the privilege of having it in his room and he felt bad he had hurt my feelings . I bawled . I know it was b / c I am so tired that I am actually shaking but I think I might have teared up a bit even if I wasn 't . This is the first time he has ever done such a mature , heartfelt thing . I am the proudest mom in the world . I raced to the school today after AT and had luPosted by My sweet Pook ( DH ) leaves around lunch tomorrow and the kids have started attacking me instead of talking about their feelings . I asked my son to help Ruthie unload the few dishes in the dishwasher and he went off . He began throwing everything he could get his hands on at me and the girls . I picked his tiny body up and brought him to the kitchen hoping he would calm himself down . I was wrong . He began swinging at me and then kicking me once I had him to the floor . I love living in the country , I put them out on the huge back deck and let them scream their heads off . He let me know he hates me , he is calling DFCS , and he won 't do any chores . I thanked him for letting us know he doesn 't want to be a part of the family and left him out there . He began throwing things at the windows and house so I had to intervene . I approached him and he hit me several times before I got a grip on him . The mistake he made was letting my Dh see him hit me . My DH is calm and collected until I am injured and then this evil deep voice comes out and it even sounds scary to me . He would never hurt a fly but it sure sounds like he would . Michael decided to allow me to get him on the ground and eventually stopped crying . He is now doing the kitchen alone and for a week . The best part is Ruthie goes off on me every time one of the kids get in trouble . She hates me , I am stupid , she is calling DFCS , she is going to kill me , etc . I told her to get out , she was loved and we want her but I make her stay . She would never leave the deck but has been out there for about 20 minutes . If she wants to rejoin our family she will have to apologize to all of us for her nasty behavior and the kids will get to find a way for her to make it up to all of us . They both have fits but this was particularly aggressive for Michael and it had been brewing all day . He had tried to argue with me about everything from Ava 's meds to lifting the toilet seat . I hope they are able to talk and cry about things in the future instead of hurting themselves and others . I sure Posted by They did this over Spring Break . We all got these lovely make overs . Yes , they got a hold of me , too . Since I have all the control over which pictures get deleted there is no evidence to prove it . LOL Some of us got scary ones and some were not supposed to be scary but were . From left to right starting at the top - Gracie ( emma 's sister ) Paches , Emma , Michael , Ava , and EllaThe dark haired child is my niece , Abbie and the other one is Ava . Posted by I was told at the AT 's office that they were extremely concerned about Cyr 's need for uping the situation . When she is caught doing one thing she will stop that and begin with a new plan to try to deceive us . It is a constant struggle to figure her plans out . I blogged a small bit about her recent grooming of Emma and her dropping her Dad when a no contact rule was put in place . SHe later decided to begin slowly breaking that rule until she was able to get away with all her previous behaviors , I put a stop to that . The ATs ' concerns is that who will be next . Do we wait for her to get away with something that will change the life of one of my children and cause her to never return home or do we take the step of placing her out of the home in an RTC that will help her and support her through it and she can some day return home ? Her other behaviors are nonexistent . She will do almost anything I ask , of course , it is her way and never mine , she does her homework , she has no outbursts , she really has no other issues except her sexual predatory behaviors and her complete lack of emotions . Her AT claims that she has psychopathic behaviors that make her dangerous even though she seems harmless . I understand she does but I feel we have this under control . I couldn 't bare the thought of her hurting another one of my children and as awful as this sounds , particularly Emma . She has not been abused and I feel it would do more damage to her than the others who have already experienced this trauma . With all that said , we have decided to keep her here for several reasons . My DH has taken a job out of state for up to several months . He will make between 3 to 5 times his regular income and it gives Cyr and I time to work without his constant presence and distraction . He will return for the weekend after the first month a couple of times a month . I will have access to him via the phone , it will be an adjustment but since I do all the real work with the children , we will all manage and only have to miss him terribly . Another reason iPosted by Patches did very well today , no real meltdowns . She began to get frustrated with her online testing b / c they do it by age and do not consider the child may be 3 grade levels behind . She couldn 't even read the the sentences for the Reading one . I called to be sure they would place her properly and they insist they will be able to tell and that my input would be a big part of her placement . Today we learned about Egypt . We watched a program I recorded a week ago and I stopped it at every commercial to be sure she was understanding . Of course , she wasn 't so we discussed everything that happened . She really does struggle to understand what she hears or reads . The good thing is she loved learning about it and the snuggle time we fit in was a real hit . Makes me want to consider keeping Cyr home , too . LOL She giggled when I requested in an old snooty lady voice that she call me Mrs . D during the day . The other kids were very concerned about how she spent her day . Did she read ? What did she have for lunch ? When did she get done ? What time did she get up ? And on and on and on . All of the kids started out in the tent last night , most stayed there . No sooner did I reach our back door when the phone began to ring . Patches was sobbing , she was too scared to stay in the tent located 25 feet from our home directly under our very bright light . After speaking to me she was convinced to stay a bit longer but couldn 't do it all night . I am so proud of the rest that did . It was freezing outside and I was thankful I forced them into multiple layers and extra blankets . They basically ate a bunch of snacks and fell asleep . Everyone else came running back in at dawn to warm up . I can 't wait to take them camping for real so I can tell them scary stories and freak them all out . I am ready for them to return to school in the morning . I have enjoyed having them home but am anxious to get started on Patches schoolwork . She will begin learning about Ancient Egypt and The Universe . She received a cool telescope for Christmas that she has just earned back and we both really love that kind of stuff so we will be having fun . I have known Emma 's Mother , Nikki , since she was 12 yrs old . She became pregnant in her teens and parented her first daughter . She was encouraged to place her second daughter with her Aunt and since she was using Meth at the time , she went along . She immediately became pregnant again and was living with a toddler , her Mother , Mother 's boyfriend , brother , brother 's girlfriend , and Gma in a 2 bedroom trailer , everyone was a drug user . She kept Emma for a couple of weeks and the Aunt convinced her to leave the baby with her , she was hoping to persuade her to place the baby as well . Emma screamed for hours at a time and the Aunt couldn 't handle it . She called Nikki and Nikki called me to ask if I would go get her for the weekend . I was thrilled to do so . We agreed she would meet me on Monday and she didn 't call me back until Tuesday in the middle of the night . She had decided to leave the baby with us . A short time later Nikki was kicked out of her Mother 's house and called me crying . I drove several hours to get her and she moved in with us . I was terrified she would want the baby back and decided to try to help her parent . She lived with us for a few months and we helped her get an apartment and get out on her own . The first year was tough on all of us . I insisted on an open adoption and she wasn 't so sure . She told lies to her family telling them I stole the baby . She made threats to her friends that she was going to try to kidnap the baby . She eventually signed herself into a treatment facility and got back on track . She has slipped off the wagon a few times but we made an agreement early on , I would love her regardless of her drug use and issues and she was always free to see her child sober . She does not call if she is using and is honest with me about her drug use . I know I can completely trust her to be honest about it , she has tested it a few times but has been clean for a while now . She has parented her oldest and youngest daughters for the most part . Her Mother has had legal guardianship for years but Nikki hPosted by She is still gone and I miss her so much . My heart aches when any of my children are gone but this has been a very long visit . She left on Tuesday and won 't be back until Saturday . She is being spoiled rotten . They have been to The Cabbage Patch , on a picnic , to the lake , and to the playground every day . She is going to be tough to deal with for awhile . after her return . I can 't wait to hear her whine about our rules , that is how much I miss her . When I went to fill new prescriptions for the kids the pharmacist made a comment about how wonderfully behaved my children were after waiting for over an hour . She went on to say she was surprised they were the same kids I was filling the meds for and she never would have suspected they had the kinds of issues they must have to need drugs this strong . I thanked her for the round about way she complimented the kids and told her the only reason they seemed to not need the drugs is b / c they take those drugs every day . She laughed and said she never thought of that . We left home at 9 AM and returned at 6PM . It was a tough day for everyone involved and I am glad it is over . This visit to the Psychiatrist was the initial visit to her and took a lot longer than I had hoped . We doubled Patches and Michael 's meds and added Risperdal to Ava . I am happy with her decisions . Patches and Michael showed their butts in the waiting room and in her office so she got to see a minor version of their behaviors . Patches was in shut down mode and refused to look at her or speak , when I tried to touch her arm she flinched and hollered . Michael beat his head against the wall and kicked the floor the entire time only screaming out a few times but mocked me the entire visit with hand motions and nasty faces behind my back . She loved the way I dealt with the kids and told them how lucky they were . HAHAHAHAHA , if she only knew I really wanted to beat their cute little rears at times like this . This is the 2nd morning in a row I have gotten up with a migraine . I took something and needed to lay back down for a bit with a warm rag . The kids had a better idea and got up , I told them to go watch cartoons for a bit thinking Cyr was still in bed . SHe has hit that lovely age when she can sleep through a tornado , not today though . SHe had somehow gotten past me . Michael and the twins asked to get dressed and I agreed . The part that made me shoot outta bed and run downstairs was when the front door slammed . They decided if they were dressed they could go outside . Not here . I have to supervise b / c they still do not help each other out like they should . They do not feel pain and tend to not ask for help when they really need it but cry like they are dying over a paper cut . It is very strange but the others do not respond appropriately either . It is getting better but an adult must be " around " when they are playing outside , just in case . Ruthie is really struggling with emotions lately . I think the move is to blame but she is blaming us again for her removal from her parents care and them for any poor choice shePosted by My house is SPOTLESS ! The only thing I need to do is the playroom and while it is picked up it is not organized like I would like . Maybe Wednesday I will get to it . Today is a lazy day , tomorrow we have 5 Psychiatrist appointments . Kids are behaving beautifully and are quiet . I have managed to ignore any beginnings of trouble and it seems to be working . Our check came a week early this month . I have never had money show up early before , I hope they have rescheduled the day they cut the checks and it is this way from now on . Probably too good to be true . I spoke at length with the Detective and she is very hopeful this will be resolved in the next month . She has spoken to the paternal side and only has one more person to find there . They had lots of interesting info about the parents and they are looking into more abuse charges of extended family . She is fairly confident they will be removing 2 little girls from their Great Gma soon for the same reason they are investigating the parents . She is a seasoned detective and has been very surprised by this family history of incest / abuse . It is much more than we all thought . DFCS is hiding the files from her and they are now getting a supenea to get the files . We are anxiously awaiting the DNA results and she is questioning the paternity of our oldest now based on something the Mother said . She will be starting in on the maternal side next week and hopes to open a can of worms on them . I left the AT 's office today feeling like I had been an interruption in his busy day . We spent 3 hours for Patches and Cyr and then only an hour with our male AT for the other 4 . He has never been so quick to get us out of there . We got no where and discussed only superficial things . I guess every one has a bad day once in a while . The AT is very worried about Patches and her acting out at school . She and I agree she is under so much pressure and it is really taking a toll quickly . Her self esteem is shot , she is mean and aggressive to her peers and the bus driver , she is not doing her classwork , and she is hurting herself again . The AT really wants me to get her out of school for the rest of the year and home school her the rest of this one and next . She feels she needs it to adjust and make progress she can maintain . The only place I know of that does a home / virtual school is no longer accepting applications for this year . Any suggestions ? So far I haven 't heard from the detective , the aunt called back and had run into the parents at Walmart . They claimed to have been questioned and walked out in the middle of it . Both refused to give up the other . The Mother claimed she will not go to jail , she will run . The Father didn 't say much other than he didn 't do anything . That 's all I know , not enough to feel relief and too much to relax . Spring Break starts today for my kids . I have 3 nieces and Em 's sister coming for most of the week . The house will be full of kids . I got a call shortly after talking to a fellow blogger and was told my kids ' parents had just been picked up . The parents were told it was about the kids and their allegations of sexual about the former BF of a family member . I am sure it was but the detective told me they would probably use this as a way to get them both in if they couldn 't catch her alone . I am anxious to hear how it goes . Will she break down and tell the truth ? Will he explode and threaten the officers ? Will they get charged ? A million different things could happen , they could get away with it being the worst . I will update the minute I find out what has happened . . . . . So a few more fun things I have tortured the kids with in addition to washing the poor stinky dog . Cyr received a Stinkiest Feet Award . I have hidden hundreds of tiny fuzzy balls under their covers . A sanitary napkin covered in " blood " placed by the toilet . ( They didn 't even notice b / c my nasty dd has done this before . Finally Ella saw it and told me so I picked it up and smelled it , told Cyr it was gross to leave it there , she denied it , and I licked the ketchup off it while she started heaving . LOL ) Pretended to run out of gas on the freeway . Put mustaches on them with washable / edible markers . Taped notes to their back that said , " Tell me you love me " , " Tell me I am smart " , and " I have boogers " . Tied the sprayer on the kitchen faucet and one by one requested they wash their hands after touching the dog . It nailed every child in the face and chest , only Michael walked away and didn 't shut off the water . Had my DH sign a fake permission slip for a field trip to outer space . Convinced the kids they would be going to a camp this summer , chore camp . I even had the brochure that I found on the internet . We are expecting blizzard like conditions here today and the snow may reach up to 4 feet . The kids were warned not to step outside b / c they may sink to the bottom and be lost until Summer . The Cat in The Hat crank called us last night around 11 : 30 PM and once I realized it was him , I invited him over today for a snack . Cyr was bitten by a bedbug last night on her elbow and was warned to watch it carefully all day for it to turn black . If it does she is to immediately report it to an adult so we can rush her in to the hospital . You know how they get infected so quickly and in rare cases the entire arm must be amputated to save the head from rotting off . Every child believed me , they were so surprised when I had them lined up ready for the bus and announced " April Fools ! " . They had no idea what it was or when they had been tricked . I explained what it meant ( just like last year , duh ! ) and asked them to tell me what I have said that sounded like a trick . Most couldn 't think of any . Too bad I wasn 't kidding when I told them they all have bloodwork at the AT 's today . LOLFonzo the dog is home . He also brought a cold with him . He is so much calmer and well behaved . He is listening to the commands and following them . He has not jumped on a single kid or acted crazy at all . Yeah ! ! ! ! This is about my life loving a bunch of crazy people . We are searching for ways to cope and heal from an alphabet soup of diagnosis . I am proud to be the mother of the bravest people I know . I am the mother of 10 children , 6 are part of a large sibling group we adopted through foster care in 2006 , 2 are our grown foster daughters , 2 are from independent infant adoptions in 2001 and 2008 . Every one of them have their own issues to work through from Schizo - Affective Disorder , Generalized Anxiety Disorder , Complex PTSD , Reactive Attachment Disorder , Sensory Integration Dysfunction , ADHD , and Cerebral Palsy . Most of our children have been victims of sexual abuse by a close family member , most acted out sexually or exhibited predatory behaviors . We are currently trying to figure out where the trauma ends and mental illness begins in each of their lives . |
The funeral was arranged for the next succeeding day , so that Lucy and her mother might be buried together . I attended to all the ghastly formalities , and the urbane undertaker proved that his staff was afflicted , or blessed , with something of his own obsequious suavity . Even the woman who performed the last offices for the dead remarked to me , in a confidential , brother - professional way , when she had come out from the death chamber , " She makes a very beautiful corpse , sir . It 's quite a privilege to attend on her . It 's not too much to say that she will do credit to our establishment ! " I noticed that Van Helsing never kept far away . This was possible from the disordered state of things in the household . There were no relatives at hand , and as Arthur had to be back the next day to attend at his father 's funeral , we were unable to notify any one who should have been bidden . Under the circumstances , Van Helsing and I took it upon ourselves to examine papers , etc . He insisted upon looking over Lucy 's papers himself . I asked him why , for I feared that he , being a foreigner , might not be quite aware of English legal requirements , and so might in ignorance make some unnecessary trouble . He answered me , " I know , I know . You forget that I am a lawyer as well as a doctor . But this is not altogether for the law . You knew that , when you avoided the coroner . I have more than him to avoid . There may be papers more , such as this . " " When you find anything of the solicitor who is for the late Mrs . Westenra , seal all her papers , and write him tonight . For me , I watch here in the room and in Miss Lucy 's old room all night , and I myself search for what may be . It is not well that her very thoughts go into the hands of strangers . " I went on with my part of the work , and in another half hour had found the name and address of Mrs . Westenra 's solicitor and had written to him . All the poor lady 's papers were in order . Explicit directions regarding the place of burial were given . I had hardly sealed the letter , when , to my surprise , Van Helsing walked into the room , saying , To which he replied , " I did not look for any specific thing . I only hoped to find , and find I have , all that there was , only some letters and a few memoranda , and a diary new begun . But I have them here , and we shall for the present say nothing of them . I shall see that poor lad tomorrow evening , and , with his sanction , I shall use some . " When we had finished the work in hand , he said to me , " And now , friend John , I think we may to bed . We want sleep , both you and I , and rest to recuperate . Tomorrow we shall have much to do , but for the tonight there is no need of us . Alas ! " Before turning in we went to look at poor Lucy . The undertaker had certainly done his work well , for the room was turned into a small chapelle ardente . There was a wilderness of beautiful white flowers , and death was made as little repulsive as might be . The end of the winding sheet was laid over the face . When the Professor bent over and turned it gently back , we both started at the beauty before us . The tall wax candles showing a sufficient light to note it well . All Lucy 's loveliness had come back to her in death , and the hours that had passed , instead of leaving traces of ' decay 's effacing fingers ' , had but restored the beauty of life , till positively I could not believe my eyes that I was looking at a corpse . The Professor looked sternly grave . He had not loved her as I had , and there was no need for tears in his eyes . He said to me , " Remain till I return , " and left the room . He came back with a handful of wild garlic from the box waiting in the hall , but which had not been opened , and placed the flowers amongst the others on and around the bed . Then he took from his neck , inside his collar , a little gold crucifix , and placed it over the mouth . He restored the sheet to its place , and we came away . " Yes and no . I want to operate , but not what you think . Let me tell you now , but not a word to another . I want to cut off her head and take out her heart . Ah ! You a surgeon , and so shocked ! You , whom I have seen with no tremble of hand or heart , do operations of life and death that make the rest shudder . Oh , but I must not forget , my dear friend John , that you loved her , and I have not forgotten it for is I that shall operate , and you must not help . I would like to do it tonight , but for Arthur I must not . He will be free after his father 's funeral tomorrow , and he will want to see her , to see it . Then , when she is coffined ready for the next day , you and I shall come when all sleep . We shall unscrew the coffin lid , and shall do our operation , and then replace all , so that none know , save we alone . " " But why do it at all ? The girl is dead . Why mutilate her poor body without need ? And if there is no necessity for a post - mortem and nothing to gain by it , no good to her , to us , to science , to human knowledge , why do it ? Without such it is monstrous . " For answer he put his hand on my shoulder , and said , with infinite tenderness , " Friend John , I pity your poor bleeding heart , and I love you the more because it does so bleed . If I could , I would take on myself the burden that you do bear . But there are things that you know not , but that you shall know , and bless me for knowing , though they are not pleasant things . John , my child , you have been my friend now many years , and yet did you ever know me to do any without good cause ? I may err , I am but man , but I believe in all I do . Was it not for these causes that you send for me when the great trouble came ? Yes ! Were you not amazed , nay horrified , when I would not let Arthur kiss his love , though she was dying , and snatched him away by all my strength ? Yes ! And yet you saw how she thanked me , with her so beautiful dying eyes , her voice , too , so weak , and she kiss my rough old hand and bless me ? Yes ! And did you not hear me swear promise to her , that so she closed her eyes grateful ? Yes ! " Well , I have good reason now for all I want to do . You have for many years trust me . You have believe me weeks past , when there be things so strange that you might have well doubt . Believe me yet a little , friend John . If you trust me not , then I must tell what I think , and that is not perhaps well . And if I work , as work I shall , no matter trust or no trust , without my friend trust in me , I work with heavy heart and feel , oh so lonely when I want all help and courage that may be ! " He paused a moment and went on solemnly , " Friend John , there are strange and terrible days before us . Let us not be two , but one , that so we work to a good end . Will you not have faith in me ? " I took his hand , and promised him . I held my door open as he went away , and watched him go to his room and close the door . As I stood without moving , I saw one of the maids pass silently along the passage , she had her back to me , so did not see me , and go into the room where Lucy lay . The sight touched me . Devotion is so rare , and we are so grateful to those who show it unasked to those we love . Here was a poor girl putting aside the terrors which she naturally had of death to go watch alone by the bier of the mistress whom she loved , so that the poor clay might not be lonely till laid to eternal rest . I must have slept long and soundly , for it was broad daylight when Van Helsing waked me by coming into my room . He came over to my bedside and said , " You need not trouble about the knives . We shall not do it . " " Because I get it back from the worthless wretch who stole it , from the woman who robbed the dead and the living . Her punishment will surely come , but not through me . She knew not altogether what she did , and thus unknowing , she only stole . Now we must wait . " He went away on the word , leaving me with a new mystery to think of , a new puzzle to grapple with . The forenoon was a dreary time , but at noon the solicitor came , Mr . Marquand , of Wholeman , Sons , Marquand & Lidderdale . He was very genial and very appreciative of what we had done , and took off our hands all cares as to details . During lunch he told us that Mrs . Westenra had for some time expected sudden death from her heart , and had put her affairs in absolute order . He informed us that , with the exception of a certain entailed property of Lucy 's father which now , in default of direct issue , went back to a distant branch of the family , the whole estate , real and personal , was left absolutely to Arthur Holmwood . When he had told us so much he went on , " Frankly we did our best to prevent such a testamentary disposition , and pointed out certain contingencies that might leave her daughter either penniless or not so free as she should be to act regarding a matrimonial alliance . Indeed , we pressed the matter so far that we almost came into collision , for she asked us if we were or were not prepared to carry out her wishes . Of course , we had then no alternative but to accept . We were right in principle , and ninety - nine times out of a hundred we should have proved , by the logic of events , the accuracy of our judgment . " Frankly , however , I must admit that in this case any other form of disposition would have rendered impossible the carrying out of her wishes . For by her predeceasing her daughter the latter would have come into possession of the property , and , even had she only survived her mother by five minutes , her property would , in case there were no will , and a will was a practical impossibility in such a case , have been treated at her decease as under intestacy . In which case Lord Godalming , though so dear a friend , would have had no claim in the world . And the inheritors , being remote , would not be likely to abandon their just rights , for sentimental reasons regarding an entire stranger . I assure you , my dear sirs , I am rejoiced at the result , perfectly rejoiced . " He did not remain long , but said he would look in later in the day and see Lord Godalming . His coming , however , had been a certain comfort to us , since it assured us that we should not have to dread hostile criticism as to any of our acts . Arthur was expected at five o ' clock , so a little before that time we visited the death chamber . It was so in very truth , for now both mother and daughter lay in it . The undertaker , true to his craft , had made the best display he could of his goods , and there was a mortuary air about the place that lowered our spirits at once . Poor fellow ! He looked desperately sad and broken . Even his stalwart manhood seemed to have shrunk somewhat under the strain of his much - tried emotions . He had , I knew , been very genuinely and devotedly attached to his father , and to lose him , and at such a time , was a bitter blow to him . With me he was warm as ever , and to Van Helsing he was sweetly courteous . But I could not help seeing that there was some constraint with him . The professor noticed it too , and motioned me to bring him upstairs . I did so , and left him at the door of the room , as I felt he would like to be quite alone with her , but he took my arm and led me in , saying huskily , " You loved her too , old fellow . She told me all about it , and there was no friend had a closer place in her heart than you . I don 't know how to thank you for all you have done for her . I can 't think yet . . . " Here he suddenly broke down , and threw his arms round my shoulders and laid his head on my breast , crying , " Oh , Jack ! Jack ! What shall I do ? The whole of life seems gone from me all at once , and there is nothing in the wide world for me to live for . " I comforted him as well as I could . In such cases men do not need much expression . A grip of the hand , the tightening of an arm over the shoulder , a sob in unison , are expressions of sympathy dear to a man 's heart . I stood still and silent till his sobs died away , and then I said softly to him , " Come and look at her . " Together we moved over to the bed , and I lifted the lawn from her face . God ! How beautiful she was . Every hour seemed to be enhancing her loveliness . It frightened and amazed me somewhat . And as for Arthur , he fell to trembling , and finally was shaken with doubt as with an ague . At last , after a long pause , he said to me in a faint whisper , " Jack , is she really dead ? " I assured him sadly that it was so , and went on to suggest , for I felt that such a horrible doubt should not have life for a moment longer than I could help , that it often happened that after death faces become softened and even resolved into their youthful beauty , that this was especially so when death had been preceded by any acute or prolonged suffering . I seemed to quite do away with any doubt , and after kneeling beside the couch for a while and looking at her lovingly and long , he turned aside . I told him that that must be goodbye , as the coffin had to be prepared , so he went back and took her dead hand in his and kissed it , and bent over and kissed her forehead . He came away , fondly looking back over his shoulder at her as he came . I left him in the drawing room , and told Van Helsing that he had said goodbye , so the latter went to the kitchen to tell the undertaker 's men to proceed with the preperations and to screw up the coffin . When he came out of the room again I told him of Arthur 's question , and he replied , " I am not surprised . Just now I doubted for a moment myself ! " " No , no , not that , for God 's sake ! Not yet at any rate . Forgive me , sir . I did not mean to speak offensively . It is only because my loss is so recent . " Arthur held out his hand , and took the old man 's warmly . " Call me what you will , " he said . " I hope I may always have the title of a friend . And let me say that I am at a loss for words to thank you for your goodness to my poor dear . " He paused a moment , and went on , " I know that she understood your goodness even better than I do . And if I was rude or in any way wanting at that time you acted so , you remember , " - the Professor nodded - " You must forgive me . " He answered with a grave kindness , " I know it was hard for you to quite trust me then , for to trust such violence needs to understand , and I take it that you do not , that you cannot , trust me now , for you do not yet understand . And there may be more times when I shall want you to trust when you cannot , and may not , and must not yet understand . But the time will come when your trust shall be whole and complete in me , and when you shall understand as though the sunlight himself shone through . Then you shall bless me from first to last for your own sake , and for the sake of others , and for her dear sake to whom I swore to protect . " " And indeed , indeed , sir , " said Arthur warmly . " I shall in all ways trust you . I know and believe you have a very noble heart , and you are Jack 's friend , and you were hers . You shall do what you like . " " And as it is all yours , you have a right to deal with it as you will . I want you to give me permission to read all Miss Lucy 's papers and letters . Believe me , it is no idle curiosity . I have a motive of which , be sure , she would have approved . I have them all here . I took them before we knew that all was yours , so that no strange hand might touch them , no strange eye look through words into her soul . I shall keep them , if I may . Even you may not see them yet , but I shall keep them safe . No word shall be lost , and in the good time I shall give them back to you . It is a hard thing that I ask , but you will do it , will you not , for Lucy 's sake ? " Arthur spoke out heartily , like his old self , " Dr . Van Helsing , you may do what you will . I feel that in saying this I am doing what my dear one would have approved . I shall not trouble you with questions till the time comes . " The old Professor stood up as he said solemnly , " And you are right . There will be pain for us all , but it will not be all pain , nor will this pain be the last . We and you too , you most of all , dear boy , will have to pass through the bitter water before we reach the sweet . But we must be brave of heart and unselfish , and do our duty , and all will be well ! " I slept on a sofa in Arthur 's room that night . Van Helsing did not go to bed at all . He went to and fro , as if patroling the house , and was never out of sight of the room where Lucy lay in her coffin , strewn with the wild garlic flowers , which sent through the odor of lily and rose , a heavy , overpowering smell into the night . 22 September . - In the train to Exeter . Jonathan sleeping . It seems only yesterday that the last entry was made , and yet how much between then , in Whitby and all the world before me , Jonathan away and no news of him , and now , married to Jonathan , Jonathan a solicitor , a partner , rich , master of his business , Mr . Hawkins dead and buried , and Jonathan with another attack that may harm him . Some day he may ask me about it . Down it all goes . I am rusty in my shorthand , see what unexpected prosperity does for us , so it may be as well to freshen it up again with an exercise anyhow . The service was very simple and very solemn . There were only ourselves and the servants there , one or two old friends of his from Exeter , his London agent , and a gentleman representing Sir John Paxton , the President of the Incorporated Law Society . Jonathan and I stood hand in hand , and we felt that our best and dearest friend was gone from us . We came back to town quietly , taking a bus to Hyde Park Corner . Jonathan thought it would interest me to go into the Row for a while , so we sat down . But there were very few people there , and it was sad - looking and desolate to see so many empty chairs . It made us think of the empty chair at home . So we got up and walked down Piccadilly . Jonathan was holding me by the arm , the way he used to in the old days before I went to school . I felt it very improper , for you can 't go on for some years teaching etiquette and decorum to other girls without the pedantry of it biting into yourself a bit . But it was Jonathan , and he was my husband , and we didn 't know anybody who saw us , and we didn 't care if they did , so on we walked . I was looking at a very beautiful girl , in a big cart - wheel hat , sitting in a victoria outside Guiliano 's , when I felt Jonathan clutch my arm so tight that he hurt me , and he said under his breath , " My God ! " He was very pale , and his eyes seemed bulging out as , half in terror and half in amazement , he gazed at a tall , thin man , with a beaky nose and black moustache and pointed beard , who was also observing the pretty girl . He was looking at her so hard that he did not see either of us , and so I had a good view of him . His face was not a good face . It was hard , and cruel , and sensual , and big white teeth , that looked all the whiter because his lips were so red , were pointed like an animal 's . Jonathan kept staring at him , till I was afraid he would notice . I feared he might take it ill , he looked so fierce and nasty . I asked Jonathan why he was disturbed , and he answered , evidently thinking that I knew as much about it as he did , " Do you see who it is ? " " No , dear , " I said . " I don 't know him , who is it ? " His answer seemed to shock and thrill me , for it was said as if he did not know that it was me , Mina , to whom he was speaking . " It is the man himself ! " The poor dear was evidently terrified at something , very greatly terrified . I do believe that if he had not had me to lean on and to support him he would have sunk down . He kept staring . A man came out of the shop with a small parcel , and gave it to the lady , who then drove off . Th e dark man kept his eyes fixed on her , and when the carriage moved up Piccadilly he followed in the same direction , and hailed a hansom . Jonathan kept looking after him , and said , as if to himself , " I believe it is the Count , but he has grown young . My God , if this be so ! Oh , my God ! My God ! If only I knew ! If only I knew ! " He was distressing himself so much that I feared to keep his mind on the subject by asking him any questions , so I remained silent . I drew away quietly , and he , holding my arm , came easily . We walked a little further , and then went in and sat for a while in the Green Park . It was a hot day for autumn , and there was a comfortable seat in a shady place . After a few minutes ' staring at nothing , Jonathan 's eyes closed , and he went quickly into a sleep , with his head on my shoulder . I thought it was the best thing for him , so did not disturb him . In about twenty minutes he woke up , and said to me quite cheerfully , " Why , Mina , have I been asleep ! Oh , do forgive me for being so rude . Come , and we 'll have a cup of tea somewhere . " He had evidently forgotten all about the dark stranger , as in his illness he had forgotten all that this episode had reminded him of . I don 't like this lapsing into forgetfulness . It may make or continue some injury to the brain . I must not ask him , for fear I shall do more harm than good , but I must somehow learn the facts of his journey abroad . The time is come , I fear , when I must open the parcel , and know what is written . Oh , Jonathan , you will , I know , forgive me if I do wrong , but it is for your own dear sake . Later . - A sad home - coming in every way , the house empty of the dear soul who was so good to us . Jonathan still pale and dizzy under a slight relapse of his malady , and now a telegram from Van Helsing , whoever he may be . " You will be grieved to hear that Mrs . Westenra died five days ago , and that Lucy died the day before yesterday . They were both buried today . " Oh , what a wealth of sorrow in a few words ! Poor Mrs . Westenra ! Poor Lucy ! Gone , gone , never to return to us ! And poor , poor Arthur , to have lost such a sweetness out of his life ! God help us all to bear our troubles . 22 September . - It is all over . Arthur has gone back to Ring , and has taken Quincey Morris with him . What a fine fellow is Quincey ! I believe in my heart of hearts that he suffered as much about Lucy 's death as any of us , but he bore himself through it like a moral Viking . If America can go on breeding men like that , she will be a power in the world indeed . Van Helsing is lying down , having a rest preparatory to his journey . He goes to Amsterdam tonight , but says he returns tomorrow night , that he only wants to make some arrangements which can only be made personally . He is to stop with me then , if he can . He says he has work to do in London which may take him some time . Poor old fellow ! I fear that the strain of the past week has broken down even his iron strength . All the time of the burial he was , I could see , putting some terrible restraint on himself . When it was all over , we were standing beside Arthur , who , poor fellow , was speaking of his part in the operation where his blood had been transfused to his Lucy 's veins . I could see Van Helsing 's face grow white and purple by turns . Arthur was saying that he felt since then as if they two had been really married , and that she was his wife in the sight of God . None of us said a word of the other operations , and none of us ever shall . Arthur and Quincey went away together to the station , and Van Helsing and I came on here . The moment we were alone in the carriage he gave way to a regular fit of hysterics . He has denied to me since that it was hysterics , and insisted that it was only his sense of humor asserting itself under very terrible conditions . He laughed till he cried , and I had to draw down the blinds lest any one should see us and misjudge . And then he cried , till he laughed again , and laughed and cried together , just as a woman does . I tried to be stern with him , as one is to a woman under the circumstances , but it had no effect . Men and women are so different in manifestations of nervous strength or weakness ! Then when his face grew grave and ste " Ah , you don 't comprehend , friend John . Do not think that I am not sad , though I laugh . See , I have cried even when the laugh did choke me . But no more think that I am all sorry when I cry , for the laugh he come just the same . Keep it always with you that laughter who knock at your door and say , ' May I come in ? ' is not true laughter . No ! He is a king , and he come when and how he like . He ask no person , he choose no time of suitability . He say , ' I am here . ' Behold , in example I grieve my heart out for that so sweet young girl . I give my blood for her , though I am old and worn . I give my time , my skill , my sleep . I let my other sufferers want that she may have all . And yet I can laugh at her very grave , laugh when the clay from the spade of the sexton drop upon her coffin and say ' Thud , thud ! ' to my heart , till it send back the blood from my cheek . My heart bleed for that poor boy , that dear boy , so of the age of mine own boy had I been so blessed that he live , and with his hair and eyes the same . " There , you know now why I love him so . And yet when he say things that touch my husband - heart to the quick , and make my father - heart yearn to him as to no other man , not even you , friend John , for we are more level in experiences than father and son , yet even at such a moment King Laugh he come to me and shout and bellow in my ear , ' Here I am ! Here I am ! ' till the blood come dance back and bring some of the sunshine that he carry with him to my cheek . Oh , friend John , it is a strange world , a sad world , a world full of miseries , and woes , and troubles . And yet when King Laugh come , he make them all dance to the tune he play . Bleeding hearts , and dry bones of the churchyard , and tears that burn as they fall , all dance together to the music that he make with that smileless mouth of him . And believe me , friend John , that he is good to come , and kind . Ah , we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us different ways . Then tears come , and like the rain on the ropes , they brace us up , until perhaps the strain become too great , and we break . But King Laugh he come like the sunshine , and he ease off the strain again , and we bear to go on with our labor , what it may be . " " Oh , it was the grim irony of it all , this so lovely lady garlanded with flowers , that looked so fair as life , till one by one we wondered if she were truly dead , she laid in that so fine marble house in that lonely churchyard , where rest so many of her kin , laid there with the mother who loved her , and whom she loved , and that sacred bell going " Toll ! Toll ! Toll ! ' so sad and slow , and those holy men , with the white garments of the angel , pretending to read books , and yet all the time their eyes never on the page , and all of us with the bowed head . And all for what ? She is dead , so ! Is it not ? " " Well , for the life of me , Professor , " I said , " I can 't see anything to laugh at in all that . Why , your expression makes it a harder puzzle than before . But even if the burial service was comic , what about poor Art and his trouble ? Why his heart was simply breaking . " " Quite so . But there was a difficulty , friend John . If so that , then what about the others ? Ho , ho ! Then this so sweet maid is a polyandrist , and me , with my poor wife dead to me , but alive by Church 's law , though no wits , all gone , even I , who am faithful husband to this now - no - wife , am bigamist . " " I don 't see where the joke comes in there either ! " I said , and I did not feel particularly pleased with him for saying such things . He laid his hand on my arm , and said , " Friend John , forgive me if I pain . I showed not my feeling to others when it would wound , but only to you , my old friend , whom I can trust . If you could have looked into my heart then when I want to laugh , if you could have done so when the laugh arrived , if you could do so now , when King Laugh have pack up his crown , and all that is to him , for he go far , far away from me , and for a long , long time , maybe you would perhaps pity me the most of all . " The neighborhood of Hampstead is just at present exercised with a series of events which seem to run on lines parallel to those of what was known to the writers of headlines and " The Kensington Horror , " or " The Stabbing Woman , " or " The Woman in Black . " During the past two or three days several cases have occurred of young children straying from home or neglecting to return from their playing on the Heath . In all these cases the children were too young to give any properly intelligible account of themselves , but the consensus of their excuses is that they had been with a " bloofer lady . " It has always been late in the evening when they have been missed , and on two occasions the children have not been found until early in the following morning . It is generally supposed in the neighborhood that , as the first child missed gave as his reason for being away that a " bloofer lady " had asked him to come for a walk , the others had picked up the phrase and used it as occasion served . This is the more natural as the favorite game of the little ones at present is luring each other away by wiles . A correspondent writes us that to see some of the tiny tots pretending to be the " bloofer lady " is supremely funny . Some of our caricaturists might , he says , take a lesson in the irony of grotesque by comparing the reality and the picture . It is only in accordance with general principles of human nature that the " bloofer lady " should be the popular role at these al fresco performances . Our correspondent naively says that even Ellen Terry could not be so winningly attractive as some of these grubby - faced little children pretend , and even imagine themselves , to be . There is , however , possibly a serious side to the question , for some of the children , indeed all who have been missed at night , have been slightly torn or wounded in the throat . The wounds seem such as might be made by a rat or a small dog , and although of not much importance individually , would tend to show that whatever animal inflicts them has a system or method of its own . The police of the division have been instructed to keep a sharp lookout for straying children , especially when very young , in and around Hampstead Heath , and for any stray dog which may be about . We have just received intelligence that another child , missed last night , was only discovered late in the morning under a furze bush at the Shooter 's Hill side of Hampstead Heath , which is perhaps , less frequented than the other parts . It has the same tiny wound in the throat as has been noticed in other cases . It was terribly weak , and looked quite emaciated . It too , when partially restored , had the common story to tell of being lured away by the " bloofer lady " . |
It was a warm Friday afternoon . Alfred was cleaning up the Epstein 's store in Harlem . He was just getting ready to close it for the day when he heard the door open . A thin , young boy walked into the store . The boy stood just inside the door and appeared very shy . " Can I help you ? " said Alfred in a friendly tone . " I 'm looking for Mr . Donatelli 's gym , " said the boy in a timid voice . Alfred was a regular at Donatelli 's gym . It was where the local boxers went to train and work out . Alfred figured the boy must have been meeting his older brother at the gym . Then , as he looked at the boy more closely , he noticed the cuts and bruises on the boy 's face . Could this young , frail child be a boxer , he wondered . " Donatelli 's ? I go there , " said Alfred . Alfred had a hard time trying to picture this young boy in the ring . " Are you a boxer , " the boy asked Alfred . " Yes I am , " replied Alfred . " Me too , I 've never been to Donatelli 's though , " said the boy . Alfred was not sure if the boy was joking or not . " I will tell you what , if you can wait 5 minutes until I finish closing up here , I will show you where Donatelli 's is , " said Alfred . " That would be great , " said the boy with a slight smile . Alfred looked at the boy , smiled and extended his hand . " My name is Alfred , what 's yours ? " I 'm David , said the boy shaking Alfred 's strong hand . Alfred and Dave walked together to Donatelli 's gym . " Hello kids ! " Donatelli said . " Hey can we train for now ? Are you open , " asked Alfred . " Sure . But I have to go to a fight later tonight at the Madison Square Garden with one of my boxers . " After an hour or so Alfred and Dave had to leave . " Do you want to come back to my house ? " asked Alfred . " I 'm not sure , my mother might be expecting me . " " But it 's only 7 o ' clock ! " " My mother 's a little strict . But I guess I could go over for a while " said Dave . Alfred entered the house with Dave following behind . Once Aunt Pearl was introduced to Dave , she mentioned that supper Read more » Alfred sat there on the bench in the damp locker room thinking to himself . Pondering about why it was so hard on him to win fights , why it made him so sick . The answer was probably inside him , yet he could not find it . Maybe it was the feeling of disabling another human being , feeling an opponents face on the opposite side of your glove . Although it was not clear , all he knew was , he wasn 't proud of fighting . Alfred , now stumbling to his feet , really began to realize that the mentality that a man needs to succeed in boxing needs to be violent and focused . Walking out into the dampened streets of Harlem , a slight breeze ran across his skin . The air felt nice to a guy that had previously been stuffed up in a small locker room . Starting to jog home , he remembered a conversation that he had a few days ago with his cousin Ender Wiggin . " Listen Al , " Ender said , " Fighting isn 't the best thing for you , I can tell , you just don 't have it ! " " I do have it ! " Alfred insisted ; " I have more drive then any of the saps in here , I know I can be a contender ! I know it ! " Ender is the kind of kid who obviously has passion about what he does , and respects others passions as well . " Alright kid , if you say so , just don 't push it too far , ok man ? " Ender seemed to be concerned . " Yeah couz , I 'll be careful . Only thing about this boxin ' thing is , training is really hard ! " Alfred giggled as it came out of his mouth . Ender laughed a little too , and patted Alfred on the arm . " I got to be goin ' alright couz . " " Yeah , sure Ender , I guess I will be seein ' you later huh ? " Alfred said . " Yeah , take care . " Ender turned his back and walked up and around the corner store . Just turning the corner on his jogging route , the sky over Harlem was turning a light shade of gray and drizzles of rain began to pitter - patter on the tops of cars . Alfred 's sweat pants were soaked from the shoe to the knee , but Alfred didn 't mind . The fact that it was raining , was almost a delight while he was running . The droplRead more » Daisy was a young girl living in New York City . To put it lightly she was not the biggest fan of her life ! She lived with her father and her father 's girlfriend . Daisy 's mother died while giving birth to her so they never got the chance to meat . Daisy caused a lot of problems and developed an eating disorder , so her father decided to send her to live in England with her Aunt . Her visit to England started great but then the war hit and everything changed she experienced life in a whole new way in terror and fear . She experienced many hard and difficult things and has changed from it now the next step in her life will to meet hopefully a new friend David Pelzer one of the people she most admires in her life . She admires his courage , his determination and will to survive , a quality that can be found in her . Daisy 's experiences have been tough and terrible but all it will take is a new friend and to see really how tough life can really be . Dave Pelzer is not called Dave by his family . Instead his mother referred to him as " It " . He lived in Daly City , California just by the Golden Gate Bridge with his family just . " It " was abused by his mother for as long as he can remember . He lived in the basement on a small cot with only one blanket all year long . He is the third born out of five children . With an alcoholic mother and a father that just wasn 't home enough to care Dave experienced the hardest thing in life not being hurt by other people but by the one person who is supposed to love you the most . Dave now grown and accomplished author of his books depicting the story of his cruelty and abuse into his saving and his adulthood will meet someone he admires most in life Daisy now an woman in her 40 's survived a brutal war and lived to tell about it and at the same time managed to find love . These two people admired each other for basically the same reason they had amazing courage and a will to live and still continued on with there lives without being a victim for the rest of there lives . Now Dave and DRead more » The sloping hallway of the battle ship was absolutely still . Not a sound could be heard anywhere , save for Ender 's continuous footsteps as he made his way towards the bunk of the new Dragon Army of which he was the new commander . There hadn 't been any such army for several years , and if what Colonel Anderson had said was true , then there would be no army like it . Ender had been told that many of his new recruits were highly skilled veterans , a trait that could very well win them their battles . There were also supposed to be many Launchies in his group , kids new to the space station . Ender arrived at the bunk door and opened it , revealing an elongated room of bunk beds where twenty or so kids were doing various things . Some were sitting on their beds talking , while others were on their desks , silently working or playing . Still others , mostly the smallest ones , seemed to be simply sitting on their beds in deep thought . It was immediately clear to Ender that his army was mostly Launchies , with only a few veterans . The moment he entered the room , all heads turned his way and all eyes fell upon him . Some of the children appeared frightened . " Are you the commander of our army ? " said a particularly tiny boy towards the front . His body was heavily scarred . " Yes , I am , " Ender answered , and then , addressing the entire room , said , " My name is Ender , your commander . For those who do not know , the lights go out at twenty - two hundred hours every night , and come on at six hundred hours , so , for your sake , get your sleep at night . Each morning , a paper will be slid under the door that says if we have a battle that day , with which army , and when . " He paused for a moment . The veterans seemed to be the only ones who knew how the battle notices worked , while most of the Launchies were looking at each other as if Ender were speaking a foreign language . He finished , saying , " As you were . " The scarred boy who had perked up when he entered the room intrigued Ender , so he sat down beside him as a quiet hum of chatter Read more » It was a quiet peaceful day in the suburbs of California , except for the Pelzer house . Poor young Dave was getting the toxic treatment his mother gave him every so often . He just got set free of the nasty smelling bathroom . Dave knew he would survive this life , he knew that his body would pull through , but sometimes he doubted if he would make the night . He hadn 't eaten in what felt like forever . In school he was learning about the Holocaust and concentration camps for the Polish , Gypsy , homosexual , and Jewish . Sometimes he thought that his home was his mother 's concentration camp for him . Dave ran down the stairs tripping over his own weak feet , to get to the one place he felt relatively safe , the basement . " Dave ! Dave ! Come to the Closet ! " mumbled a voice . " Who is that ? Who 's there ? " Dave shouted . Dave proceeded to the closet , and surprised himself b not being afraid . When he opened the closet door he saw a small detailed figure , belonging to an old , brittle , man . By the glow to his body , Dave knew this man couldn 't have been alive and thought of it as a hallucination . " Who are you , or what are you ? " Asked Dave abruptly . " My Name is Joseph , and no I am no longer a living man . You will find out why I am here momentarily . " I don 't believe this . I don 't believe you . There is no way that a ghost has appeared in my closet . I 'm just imagining you . " Dave skeptically . " You have to believe me , " started Joseph . " I 'm your last hope . Without me your life will be filled with more terror and horror then known to man . " Okay , so say you were really a ghost … what would you want to do with me ? I 'm just a kid , just a normal kid . " " Well Dave , we both unfortunately know that you are not a normal child . I know you don 't need the reminder but you do get harshly abused by your mother . I know what it feels like to be abused and tormented for no reason . Sure , I was polish and homosexual but it never seemed logical to torture me over reasons beyond my control . " " I don 't even know wRead more » BOOM ! Rebecca was shocked to wake up and find herself in a bunkroom with other children on the planet Eros . She had the second bed next to the door . She looked up and turned around to see if there was anyone she could see that looked nice enough to help her . She did not see anyone that looked friendly . As she put her , beautiful , long red hair up in a ponytail , she pondered about what to do and where she was , one of the smallest boys in the room , also the boy in the first bed next to the door , came over to her as if right on queue to answer her questions . " You look a little lost . Don 't worry . I was petrified when I came here too . My name 's Ender . " , the boy said . " Ho , Ender . I 'm Rebecca . Where am I ? How did I get here ? " " Well , right now , you are on the planet Eros . We are in a training school preparing for battle against the buggers . You were chosen off the earth to come help serve in our army . " Just then , a note was slipped under the door . Ender went to pick it up and read it . He brought it over to where Rebecca was still standing . She asked him what it was . He told her that it meant they had a battle . " A battle ? ! What kind of battle ? " said Rebecca . " A battle against the Rat Army lead by Dink Meeker at 0900 . Two hours away . " " We actually have to fight another army ! ? Like in a war ? " " We are on Eros to prepare for actual battles . This battle is just against kids like us . We have never lost a battle but that 's what comes from all of our hard work . You 've got a lot of training ahead of you to have the same skill as everyone else in this army . " Rebecca was in awe . She could not actually believe what was going on . She thought it was a dream or something so she tried pinching herself to wake up . But to no avail , she was still at the battlefield . She went with the rest of the army to breakfast and then training before the battle began . Then they all had to put on giant white suits that looked like an astronaut . There was a gun in the belt of it . Rebecca was curious what it did , so she took iRead more » Junice shuddered . It was overcast , and chilly . She was quickly learning that this part of Poland was like that often . In the event that the sun did peak out from behind the steely gray cloud wall , it was quickly ushered back behind . She wasn 't even sure why she was here now , it definitely wasn 't a place she normally would have found herself in . a few weeks ago she hadn 't even thought much about going out of Harlem , let alone going across the sea . This was Damian 's doing . " Come on , Junice . Think of it as an adventure . You and I , on an adventure ! " He seemed so excited , there was no way she could have denied him this trip . She was still reeling that Damian was even still with her . After all of the events that had just passed , she was convinced he would decide she wasn 't worth the hassle . Her mother was still in prison , and she was utterly alone , left to fend for herself and her little sister by herself . Damian was valiant though , and persevered through the tough times . She curled her hand further around her mug . She was in a small bar - like establishment , but it certainly wasn 't like any pub back home . The people here were few and far between , and hostile to boot . They all walked around like they had a huge backpack glued to their shoulders , and no matter what , they couldn 't shake it . Did they even want to ? Junice asked herself , smirking into her cup . The steam rose from it in wispy tendrils , rushing by her nose with a warm heat . It even seemed in a hurry to escape this downcast place . Would I even want to ? She cast a glance at the dreary faces claiming spots on barstools and booths . Maybe this wasn 't so unlike Harlem . A lot of people there seemed to be frozen where they were ; their futures stapled to them before they could even begin to dream of something better . She knew she felt that way . Under any other circumstances , Junice would be at home now , in her cramped apartment , helping Ms . Rosie take care of Melissa ( granted a judge had decided Ms . Rosie was competent enough to do so ) . Probably cookRead more » Alfred came out of his apartment and went in the park across the street . He did his jog around the park like he did when he was training to be a boxer . He filled his lungs with the cool fresh air . He passed the two cops sitting in the bushes like he does everyday . Alfred noticed a kid that was sitting under a tree . Alfred had never seen the young boy in the park before . Alfred asked the boy what is name was . The boy responded , " My name is Dave Pelzer " . Alfred was astonished . " You 're my cousin , " Alfred said . " What are you doing in Harlem ? " Alfred asked . " My family moved here last summer , " Dave said . Alfred 's mom had told him that he had a cousin named DavePelzer but Alfred had never seen him . " What is going on in your life ? " David asked . " I have become a boxer , " Alfred said . Alfred has been working out at Donatelli 's gym . Nothing fun or exciting was happening in David 's life . David 's life has been horrible . His mom gives him beatings daily for him being a " bad boy " . " What arethose bruises from ? " Alfred asked . " I fell of my bike , " David said . Alfredknew that David was being abused by his mom though . David ended up telling Alfred the truth about his bruises . David also told Alfredabout the horrible games that his mom would play with him . Alfred felt really badfor David . Alfred hated to hear about the gas chamber game that David receivedalmost daily . . " Does your mom feed you ? " Alfred asked . " No , my mom usually never feeds me , " David said . " If my mom does give me the luxury of food , it is scraps that my dogs would not even eat . " Are you hungry now ? " Alfred asked . " Yaw , " David said . Alfred spotted a hot dog vender across the street . Alfred andDavid got a couple hot dogs each . They headed back to the park to talk somemore , and to eat their delicious hot dogs . David and Alfred sat under a big green tree that was swaying back and fourthfrom the wind . It was a beautiful day outside . There was not a cloud in the sky . The park seemed even bigger since there were not as many people anymore . " What is your lRead more » As she looked out the window all she could see where the clouds . The plane ride was much longer than she expected . Right when she was about to close her eyes , the pilot came over the loud speaker , " Sorry for the interruption , we will arrive in Germany in approximately 20 minutes . " Rebecca turned to the blonde haired woman next to her . " Is this your first time visiting Germany ? " " Actually , it 's my second time ; I went here when I was younger and loved it , I have wanted to go back ever since and here I am now . " " Oh and by the way , my name is Daisy . " " Yes I saw it on your name tag around your neck , my name is Rebecca ; this is actually my first time coming here . My grandmother past away recently and she was originally from here . She used to tell me all these interesting stories about Germany ; I have always wanted to come . " " It is quite the place , said Daisy , there 's always something to do . " " Oh yes I have heard that a lot , " replied Rebecca . " Where were you born ? " asked Daisy . " I live in Holyoke Massachusetts with my parents , where are you from ? " asked Rebecca . " Well actually I lived in New York with my father and step - mother , but they recently sent me to live in England with my aunt and four cousins . I was just getting back , when my father surprised me with this trip . " Right when Rebecca was about to speak the pilot came onto the loud speaker . " Good Afternoon passengers aboard # 23145 , we are arriving in Germany , please remain in your seats until further assistance . " " Well I guess this is it , hopefully ill run into you when were here , it would be lots of fun to see you again . " said Rebecca . " Most definitely , it was nice meeting you . " responded Daisy . When the pilot finally gave the instructions to exit the plane , Rebecca wasted no time . She got her luggage and headed outside for a taxi . First she decided to head to her hotel , check in , and then head into downtown Germany . As for Daisy , she 's already saw all the beautiful sights and wanted to catch up on some much Read more » Alfred is a 14 year old boy that lives in Harlem . He goes to a gym every day to work out with boxing . He has to get up early every day and run . Alfred is a colored person ; he is about 5 feet 7 inches . He had a friend named James but he was being stupid one night and trying to rob a store . So he got caught and went to jail . One day when Alfred was walking down the street he saw a kid probably around the same age as himself playing basketball by himself . He thought to himself , " should I go over there to play with him and give him company ? " Alfred goes over to him and says , " Hey what 's your name ? " Ender , the kid says . " Want to shoot some hoops , " Ender replies ? " Sure , where are you from I haven 't seen you here before , " Alfred says ? " Yeah I am not from around here but you don 't need to know that though , " Ender said . " Ok whatever , do you want to come over for dinner were having Mac and Cheese , " Alfred says ? " Sure that 's fine with me , " Ender replies . As they got to Alfred 's house Alfred asked if Ender could sleep over and it was a yes . So all night they were talking about sports and who they liked the most . Mainly ( the sports ) was just basketball because that is the sport they both loved the most . Then the conversation came up as Ender why you are in Harlem ? He said that he needed a little vacation . " From what , " Alfred replied ? " See at school I have to be taught how to become a warrior and kill all of the buggars which are kind of like aliens . They lived on a different planet . That was basically my life . It was great and I was great at killing to . One of the top in my class . I was getting trained for the 3rd battle which by the way we won . So basically I came up here because I needed a break until I have to fight them again because I set the buggars loose again , " Ender said . " O so you are good at fighting I see , " Alfred replied ? " Yeah I am , " Ender said . " So listen to this I have a kid who has been bullying me and I need some help , so do you think that you can help me beat himRead more » It was a quiet peaceful day . The sun was shining and Becca was walking around in the nice little town in Poland . While she was walking she encounted a friend that she has not seen in years . She walked up to him and said a friendly hello . His name was Ender . They went to school together and she sat next to him to talk . " So how have you been doing ender ? " Becca asked . " I have been better but I am ok now that I have seen you . " Ender said right back at her . " Same here " she said . " I am here to find out more about my Grandmother that just died . " " Oh I am so sorry for your loss " Ender said with a tear runningdown his face . " Its ok she was really old and now she is in a better place . " She said with no sad expression on her face at all . " Well I am here for a vacation . I have been working with asimulator battling evil space aliens . It gets really tiring waking up at 3 in the morning to battle some wacky aliens that want to enslave the earth . " He said in a not so happy tone . But Becca just could not help it . She started to laugh really hard . That got him really mad . So he got up and started to walk away . Once he got only 10 feet away Becca got up and chased after him . " Wait , Ender , I am really sorry for what I said . " Ender just stared at her for what seemed like hours , but was only a minute . Then he forgave her and they got back to their conversation . They started talking about each other . First it was Beccas turn to describe her . " You know what happened to me when we were kids but when we went our separate ways after school , that 's when all the exciting stuff happened . After my Gemma died I promised to find out who she is , whatever it takes . So I looked through all her stuff and found a clue that led me here . But I am still looking for more clues . " She said . " Wow that must be hard to look for something but you don 't know what it is . I don 't think that I could do that . Now being serious , I really do work for the government taking down alien ships . It is a hard job . I don 't reallRead more » David had just got to the foster home where he found his Aunt Pearl , from Harlem , New York , waiting for him at the doors . She was his father 's sister but talked mostly every day and stayed in touch . She knew what was going on between David and his mother and hoped she could help . David was all bruised and had cuts all over his body , his clothes were all ripped and torn from head to toe and as he walked you could see his big toe coming out of the top of his shoe . " David , " said the police officer , " you will be living with your Aunt for the time being , unless she chooses to adopt you . David , your mother will not bother you any more , we cannot allow that , we know how bad she hurt you , and you can 't live like that anymore . Perl . . " A second after the police officer called Aunt Perl over , he was already in her arms . David loved Aunt Perl and couldn 't wait to live with her , the twins and Alfred . But thought it would be different living in a colored surrounding . I could get used to this , though . The drive to Harlem took forever . He was excited and yet afraid for his new life . How would Alfred feel ? He hadn 't seen the kid in forever . How would school go ? David thought all this the whole ride there , when finally they pulled up to the house with three kids sitting on the stoop . David hoped out of the car . " My man David , " said Alfred walking over with a huge welcoming smile , " I was pretty excited when I found out you were coming to live with us . I need another man in the house . How you been , you don 't look so well . " " Yeah , life at home was pretty bad , I 'm happy to be here . " Said David " Say , Aunt Perl , can you make me and David some of your famous chicken , I bet he 'd love some of that right now , we otta get a little meat in the kids body . " said Alfred running up the stoop stairs with David 's bags . David followed Alfred up the steps into Alfred 's room . Alfred was about 4 years older then David . He was tall , skinny , and looked like her had some savvier bruises on his body . Alfred sat on the bed and watched David as he unpacked hRead more » Ender had been waiting for too long . Waaay too long . James was supposed to be there almost seven hours ago , and yet he had still not arrived . Ender suspected that he was probably still in Harlem , or trying to figure out how to open up Ender 's door without it biting his hand off ( Ender had been told that James had a problem with narcotics ) " Hey , man ! ! Open up ! " James shouted through the door . Ender walked to the door . " James , why are you so late ? I called Alfred about 12 hours ago and he said you would be here ! " Whoever had told Ender about James ' problems , sadly , was correct . James simply replied that he was out doing other things . He had lost sight of what was important in life and had fallen down the slippery slope towards drug addiction . Ender , on the other hand , since destroying the bugger colony , had joined a volunteer group linking teens from different areas to interact and socialize with each other . James had been forced to join this group by the Harlem County Police . After a few minutes of Ender prodding James with questions and James staring into the corners of the room , the two decided to proceed into Ender 's home to have a conversation . Ender 's sister , Valentine , had offered to keep them some company , but James ( being under the influence of … something ) suspected that she was wearing a wire , for an unknown reason . So the two had a seat and began to talk . Ender told some very interesting stories about Battle School , of which anyone who paid attention to would find fascinating and want to hear more about . Sadly , James did not . Ender didn 't like to talk about himself much , but since James was from another area and didn 't really want to share about his life , so Ender would rather come off as cocky rather than sit there for the volunteer groups ' predetermined time limit of 3 - and - a - half hours . He had set a timer about an hour ago , and yet this seemed to have been a weeks ' worth of Ender talking and James ( sort of ) listening . " So , Bonzo had clearly taken a disliking to me , and one daRead more » In Holyoke , Ma lived a woman named Rebecca . She worked for a small newspaper company . She was very good about visiting her grandmother or Gema who lived in a nursing center for the elderly . Her parents were not so good on the other hand and neither were her sisters who live in California and Houston . Today , although Rebecca wasn 't on her own it felt like it . Her sisters weren 't coming because they wanted to but because they knew it was polite . As they walked into room 310 they passed Mrs . Hartshorn who was tying knots in her long white hair , Mrs . Benton who was crying and calling out for her mother . As always her grandmother was a sleep . Rebecca called her name softly , " Gemma . " " Is that you Rebecca ? " Gemma said . " I was the princess in the castle in the sleeping woods . I was the princess when the great mist fell over us forcing us all a sleep . The prince kissed me only me awake . Promise you will find the castle it is all I have to give you . Promise . " " I promise Gemma . " Across the country lived a boy named David at the age of about fourteen . He was living in a foster home although if you told him it would take him a second to process it . He was so close to them because he was loved and treated like he actually was someone unlike his real parents . Anyway the family he was living with got a call from his foster mother 's close friend whose mother had died . They were invited to the funeral but told they shouldn 't feel obliged because of airfare but the family decided to go anyways . So they packed up their stuff and flew to Holyoke , Ma . As they walked into the church the families saw each other and greeted one another with hugs . Everyone noticed a small boy dressed in a long sleeve shirt after all it was the middle of july . " Now who is this little fellow ? " asked Rebecca . " Yes , who ? " replied her sisters and her parents . " This is David we have adopted him . " said David 's foster mother . " Rebecca go show him the house . " Her mother said . As they walked out of the church Rebecca asked him if Read more » Daisy was still getting used to life back home in New York when her cousin , Becca , called . She had heard about what had gone on with Daisy in England , and wanted to make sure she was okay . They agreed that Daisy would go down to Massachusetts so they could catch up on what had been going on with them both . Daisy and Becca were very close and got together as often as possible . Daisy knew about how Becca had gone to Poland to figure out who their grandmother had been . Their grandmother , Gemma , had insisted that she had been living in a castle in Poland and Becca had promised her that she would find the castle and find out who she was . Daisy was so excited to hear all about the trip . They met up two weeks later at Becca 's house in Massachusetts . When Daisy rang the doorbell , her Aunt Eve answered . " Oh , Elizabeth , how are you ? Your father told us all about your awful trip . I hope the war there didn 't shake you up too much , " said Aunt Eve . Daisy sighed loudly . " Aunt Eve , you know that no one calls me Elizabeth . I was never an Elizabeth . My name is Daisy . " " Yes of course , Daisy , " Aunt Eve said . " I just always thought you would grow to love the name Elizabeth . " No one ever called Daisy by her real name , Elizabeth , except for Aunt Eve . Daisy loved Aunt Eve to death , but it annoyed her just as much when she called her Elizabeth . " Becca is in her room . She has been waiting to talk to you for quite some time now . She is very excited . " Aunt Eve guided Daisy through the hall to Becca 's room . Daisy walked into Becca 's room to find her cousin on the phone . But when she saw Daisy she nearly screamed . " Stan ? I 've got to call you back . My cousin , Daisy , the one I told you about is here ! Okay , bye . HI DAISY ! " Becca leaped up and gave Daisy the biggest hug she had ever gotten in her life . " How was England ? Well , other than the war , tell me about your cousins ! " " Well , Piper is nine and just about the sweetest girl you will ever meet . She even remembered my name as Daisy after I only told her once ! EdmonRead more » It was a rainy day with patches of fog in the autumn air . Dave Pelzer , a twelve year old boy , was walking to school being able to hear the grumbling of his stomach from not being allowed to eat in days . It soon became harder to walk ; he got weaker and weaker from each step he took . He wished that he could have someone to talk to about all the horrible things occurring in his life . After what seemed like forever , Dave arrived at his new school in Poland . As he passed through the hallways , he received looks of disgust . He assumed this was because of the filthy white shirt his mother sent him to school with everyday . Dave had hoped that his new school would be better than the previous because other students always made fun of him . It was lunch time and Dave had just finished history class . He decided he would stay there and rest until lunch was over because there was no use in going to the cafeteria when he had no lunch and no money to buy anything . Dave felt a gentle tap on his shoulder . He turned around and found a beautiful young woman . " Hello , my name is Rebecca Berlin , I 'm your history teachers daughter . " she greeted him politely . " Hi , my name is Dave Pelzer , I just moved here . " Dave responded . " Would you mind if I ate in here ? " Rebecca asked . " No , its okay , I 'd love the company . " Dave answered . It was a short conversation , but it made Dave feel slightly happy because someone had actually talked to him without being mean and saying nasty things to him . Rebecca had been kind enough to give him half of her sandwich . When the bell rang , Rebecca said she would meet him outside of the front blue doors at the end of the school day . Dave was so excited ! The rest of the day seemed to go by so slowly . All through his classes Dave noticed a lot of things about his new school . All the white walls had a tint of yellow on them . In the corners there were huge spider webs . Dave was surprised when he looked out the windows in his math class . . There were all sorts of colorful flowers and plants inside a greenhoRead more » - A Child Called " It " - Briar Rose Rebecca sighed as she looked at the clock in the room . She didn 't get out of work until 12 : 00 and it was still 10 : 00 . She would start her night shift at 8 pm , and go until midnight . It got hot in California , especially in midsummer . She checked her clipboard . Her next patient , Dave Pelzer , was a new one . She recognized the last name from somewhere . When he came in , his mother dropped him off and then went back to the waiting room to her two other sons . That 's when she realized where she knew the name from - they were neighbors . " What 's your name ? " she asked , even though she knew it . " Dave , " he replied . " Where do you live ? " " 76 Kendall Boulevard , " " Huh … so we 're next door neighbors , " Becca thought . But she had never seen this boy playing outside before , only his two brothers . But , Becca was new to the neighborhood , so she shrugged it off . " You can call me Nurse Becca , " she said , " I 'm going to check you over to make sure you 're healthy . " " OK . " The young woman noticed that the boy seemed too skinny . She had him step on to the scale . He was underweight . As she examined his arms and legs , she noticed fading and new bruises . " Where are those bruises from ? " Becca asked . " I fell down the stairs , " he quickly said . Rebecca finished the examination , and other than the bruises and low weight , he was healthy . " Okay Dave , we 're all done , but just remember , you need to eat more , or you 'll get sick , " Becca told him . " I 'll try , " he said grimly . Dave and his family left the office . When she got home , Becca decided to keep an eye out for Dave , to see if he came outside . For the next few weeks , Becca never saw him outside , except for occasionally when he would mow the neighbor 's lawns , and every time she saw him , he was wearing the same clothes . What really alarmed her though , was when he came in with a dislocated arm . His mother had said he had fallen off the top bunk in his sleep . But when Rebecca asked him if he usually fell off the beRead more » When she and Stan returned from Bradley back home to Hatfield , Becca 's parents told her that her sister Sylvia had called the night before , and insisted that she come out to L . A . to spend some time with her when she got back from Poland . " And she specifically said , ' tell her that I still think that going to some concentration camp is no way to spend a vacation , so I want her to enjoy a real vacation with me and Shana out here . ' I tried telling her that you were very persistent about this whole trip , but she just asked that you call her back when you got in , " her mother finished , looking somewhat tired from having to deal with Syl 's rants and demands . Becca sighed , and then muttered , " Well , I guess I had better call her back then , or I 'll never hear the end of it . " The next morning , Becca woke up , made herself a pot of coffee , and began searching online for the next flight out of Bradley to LAX , because both Shana and Sylvia insisted that she come out as soon as possible to " unwind and relax for a change . " The next flight that Becca considered reasonably priced was leaving the next night at 6pm , so she booked it quickly , and then logged onto the Internet to search for any files on Aron Mandlestein , her newly - discovered grandfather . Then , after two hours of finding nothing , she shut down the computer and went upstairs to repack her duffel bag . Soon she was on a plane again , bound first for Chicago before she would have to switch planes to one going to Los Angeles , and again , this plane was moving at about forty - five minutes behind schedule , which the pilot said was due to an approaching storm . She wasn 't overly excited about this sudden trip , having just been away for three weeks and having to absorb so much information in so little time . But she was also aware that the last time her sisters had truly gone out of their way to make her feel better was well , never , and she was curious to know how this would pan out for the three of them . After finally landing at O ' Hare with only about a halfRead more » She had only been about eight Was followed by an unknown fate We 'd liked to play and have some fun April first two thousand and one . When it ended , I was in shock My face turned white as chalk Killed by her mother 's oldest son April first two thousand and one . I didn 't know if it was a joke My sound was reduced to a choke And her life had barely begun April first two thousand and one . " Man lowers his head and lunges into civilization , forgetting the days of his infancy when he sought truth in a snowflake or a stick . Man forgets the wisdom of the child . " - Jack Kerouac ( 1922 - 1969 ) |
Posted on September 30 , 2012 by Writer Jim Johan the Fiddler was one of the most legendary patrons of the Stag and Dragon , greatest of the inns along the Forest Road . Heroes and villains alike could be found under its wide eaves , but from time to time this aged musician seated himself by the fire and ordered hot mulled wine . He would produce his lap fiddle , and weave a sad song over the heads of all in the room . He pulled his hood down , and without fail he said " Once , when I was a younger man , I traveled far from paths and roads . I sought the Blackwood , and the things within it . During my travels through the southern mountains , I met a man who showed me the sublime truth of music , and I turned myself to its study forever after . " It was high in a mountain pass , with the mountain 's firs hung heavy about me , where I met him . I had lost my way , and stumbled blindly upward . I found a stream trickling down , so I traced it to its source . I climbed a waterfall and skirted a pair of trolls to do it , but I came to a great and beautiful lake . Like a hound , it was wrapped around the feet of the mountains beyond , which rose into the morning mist and left sight . The lake was still as the forest around it , and quiet settled over all . " That 's when I saw him , a man of noble dress seated on a stump at the water 's edge . He held a lap fiddle in his arms , and he looked out on the water in equal stillness . I approached him , blade bare , but never did he glance at me or move one inch . He merely picked up the bow of his fiddle , and began to play . " The fog pressed in around us in those first , mournful notes . I felt the burden of a heavy heart , the kind that only lost love can create . I seemed to see her in the mist , and hear her melancholy in the lap fiddle 's song . She cried , but no solace came , for her light , my light , had left . It left her in a world of rain and misery as she walked , jostled by every passerby , beaten but unbowed . " Then the song changed , and the abiding sadness was swept up into a fiddler 's passion . I felt all the thrill of life from every leaf and branch , the lake cleared like air and I saw its every depth , and the call of every bird seemed to be held in the fiddle 's vital playing . It was sturdy music , timeless as the trees themselves , and I saw the frivolity of the lives of men . " But finally , a third movement arrived . This one combined the first two , with a third theme that was forever transfixed between them . I felt the need to choose , to reach out and grab hold of something , anything , but my own nature would not let me . Lacking this , I wanted to make my life a monumental bridge between two worlds , to sway between them until the world 's end . " " With his last chord , " he would say , and only then would the patrons realize he had not spoken for some time . " I understood the power of music , when before I had only heard its beauty . I cast my sword into the lake , fell at his feet , and from that day these hands have held nothing but this lap fiddle . " Posted on July 8 , 2012 by Writer Jim Good children stay safe in their beds when the sun has set over the Blackwood . To rise at night and travel through the dark wood is to forsake all reason and to court folly . By the light of day , the Blackwood is a wild land without mercy for the foolish , but at night the magic in every leaf and stem , or brook and cave shines forth . Even the bravest hunters only take to the darkened Wood at great need , and they invoke all that their ancestors may provide to do so . Once , when I was a girl , there was a boy just my age named Georg . He was a vain and foolish boy , and all the children were wary of him because he was fond of going out into the Wood . He would journey out in the morning and sometimes not come back until well after midday meal . One boy saw Georg balancing on logs and climbing over rocks , and heard him laughing and carrying on like he thought he was an elf . Some people heard him say that he wanted to talk to the elves . Well one morning , the children were all playing on the village green when they we spotted Georg peering out from behind the village elder 's hall . His face was pure white , and he beckoned us to join him . One boy ran over to see what he wanted , and when he returned he said " Georg has a story to tell us . He says it 's important . " So we all ran after Georg until we had found a shaded spot behind a woodcutter 's hut . It was there that Georg told us his tale . The night before , after his parents had gone to sleep , he snuck out of their hut and went into the Wood . He couldn 't find the elves in the day , so he would try the wood at night . Oh , he knew the stories , but he thought that he knew the Wood well enough to walk it after dark . He told us that the wood twisted and turned all around him . Clouds covered the moon , and at every turn there was a raking branch or tripping root to waylay him . At one point , he had to crawl through a thicket he had fallen into , and just when he though he would make it no further , he stumbled out into a torchlit clearing . The sky was black overhead , and a great hall loomed large before him . Strange music could be heard coming from within the hall , and his courage led him to the door . A tall man with rich clothing and a strange face welcomed him inside . " You have entered Waldenhall , child . Come , and behold wonders ! " There , Georg saw many thing that none of us believed . He saw great deer holding feasts at table , and squirrels fighting duels in the rafters . There were women with light in their hair , and tiny folk with greedy faces . They told him they were elves , and that he was welcome in their hall to make merriment and eat well . He sat at their table and shared their food and drink . He listened to their many fine minstrels , and laughed at the stories they would tell . In time , he came to notice a dark figure in the corner . He was squatting on a shelf , and looking at him was like stepping into a dream . The figure 's skin was an iron - heavy shadow , and his eyes were red like two wells of blood . The very walls seemed to slip and twist around him , and it was impossible to break his gaze . Georg didn 't move from the table all night , yet he felt as though he had been pursued through backwards corridors for hours . He escaped and made his way back to the village , but he only found his way after the sun rose . He had been awake all night , yet he could not rest , for fear of being pursued by the shadow creature . We all laughed at him and named him a fool , and went about our play . He remained there for some time , then sulked off to the cottage of his parents . They whipped him for going into the Wood , and sent him to bed with no supper . We all had fits in our sleep that night , and when we woke we found that Georg had died . His father found him stock still and blue as a deep pool . His chest was covered in bruises , like he had been crushed , and all the children recalled the image of the crouching figure in the woodland hall , and how Georg swore that it seemed like an unnaturally weighty fellow . Good children do not seek the wood after dark , and wise adults know why . Too often do they hold service for loved ones who tempt the tangled depths , and don 't even leave a body to bury . Be a good child , for your father 's sake and for mine . Posted on April 26 , 2012 by Writer Jim One day a long time ago , there was a little bird with feathers all of brown . It was always hungry , because all of the other birds were larger and ate all the food before the little bird could find it . Then , when the little bird was flying in search of food , it came upon a great castle in the forest . The little bird landed in a window , and looked down on a great feast being held by the King . The King wore richly - colored robes , and sapphires were set in his golden crown . " If only I were a king , " said the little bird . " Then I could have all the food I needed . " This made the little bird sad , and it began to cry . " Such a silly thing , to cry , " said a voice , causing the bird to jump in surprise . A person no bigger than the bird was standing on the window 's ledge , dressed in clothes made of a single leaf . " The little bird is sad , and small , and hungry . Such a silly thing , to be hungry ! " " I believe you , " said the little person , mischief in its eyes . " Yes ! Yes ! All birds shall bow to the Bird King ! " And so the little person raised its hands high , and its legs turned into tree stumps while stardust drifted through its fingers . The little person laughed , and each laugh was like a step stone that carried the little bird up into the sky . The little bird began to grow , and its feathers changed from brown to every color of flower . Blue feathers sprouted from its head and neck , bright and sleek as sapphires . Its tail grew long , turning into a fan of green and purple and yellow . It 's body began to change at the wing - tips into a burning orange , fading into red and then white . But before the colors could finish spreading , a cruel wind blew out of the sky and hit the little bird on the back . " Ha ha ! " laughed the wind , which looked like a gusty little person . " He makes you regal , and I make you serve ! No further will your feathers change , and your heart will remain small enough to bear an elven rider ! " The little bird cried out , but it was too late . Now it was big and beautiful , save for a saddle of brown just between its wings . The little bird and its hatchlings became known as the King Pheasants , but no matter how much the birds of the forest came to love them , the King Pheasants always suffered to bear an elf whenever one appeared . Posted on March 22 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not long ago , a young man of the Riverfolk went to visit his cousins in the Wood . Because he had come such a long way , and because his Woodfolk cousin had just learned the trade of hunting , they decided to go with some of their friends into the Wood , to swim in a beautiful pool and also to test their courage . Three young men and two young women set out on that day . " I am tired , " said one of the young men . " Let us take a nap . " The others realized they were tired as well , and so each found a comfortable spot and rested their heads . But the Riverman could not sleep , because the Wood was strange and frightful to him . " I am being foolish , " he said to himself . " This is nothing but a forest , and these are nothing but trees . " So to screw up his courage , the Riverman decided that he would leave the small clearing he and the others had found . He took three , and four , and five steps , and still nothing happened . " What a great fool I was ! " he said , laughing . " I will hide and scare my friends . Then they will think that we Riverfolk are much better than Woodfolk . " So the young Riverman found the crook of a large tree root , and laid down beyond it . From his hiding spot , he could no longer see his friends back in the clearing , but he heard one of them snoring . But as the Riverman waited for his friends to wake , he caught a familiar scent drifting through the air . " That smells just like the pies my mother bakes ! " And since the Wood held no fear for him , and since he remembered the way back to his friends in the clearing , he decided to see where the smell had come from . He wandered toward the smell until he came to a cottage with the sun kissing its roof here and there . A garden lay beside it , and smoke was rising from the chimney . An old woman stood in the doorway , holding a great pie . Her eyes met the Riverman 's , and he walked into the cottage with her . " Might I trouble you for a piece of your pie ? " Said the Riverman . " Of course , my dear . " Replied the old woman , and she put a slice on a plate for him . The Riverman ate , but he didn 't notice that with each bite he grew much fatter . Soon he was so fat that he couldn 't stand , and the old woman laughed a cruel laugh . " You are mine now , to do with as I please . " " But my friends will come and rescue me ! " The Riverman wailed . " One is a hunter with keen eyes , and another is a wise woman in her village ! " But the woman just laughed all the more cruelly . " The tracking eyes of your hunter will do him no good , and no wisdom in the world can teach where I am . You are mine , and the Elves are coming . " Much later , the Woodfolk awoke in the clearing and wondered where their friend had gotten off to . A few thought to go separate ways and find him , but the hunter said " To walk the Wood alone is foolish . We will look for him together , but we must be back in the village by nightfall . " The others knew the stories of werewolves and evil things , and the thought made them shudder . So they left the clearing to search for the boy . The hunter used the best of his tracking skills , but he only lead them in large circles . " He must be following our tracks , too . We will wait for him here . " And while they waited , the wise woman thought of the stories she had heard . " I cannot think of where he might be . It is like a riddle that I used to know , but have forgotten . " They sat and thought for a long time , until suddenly a troll came crashing from the Wood and scattered them . Each fled a separate way , and by the time the sun had set only the wise woman had made her way back to the village . The others were never found again . Posted on March 21 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , a long time ago , there was a girl who lived in a village deep in the Wood . She was a restless girl , who finished her chores early and liked to skip along the edge of the village , near the flower and herb gardens of the woman who lived alone . She was just like you . That little girl said the same things you did . " I am not scared of some old woman . " She said . " I like the flowers , and to prove I 'm not scared , I will pick some for my mother . " So the girl went into the flower garden , and when her friends screamed because the witch was looking out of her window at the girl , the girl paid her no mind and gathered a big bouquet for her mother . But her mother knew exactly where the flowers came from , just like I do , and she threw them out the window . " You have been a bad girl ! " Her mother screamed , brandishing the spoon with which she was stirring the night 's stew . " Go to your bed , and do not set foot upon the ground until I tell you ! " So the girl sat on the bed , crying to herself as the sun started to fall from the sky . After what seemed like a very long time , the girl was startled by a strange noise . She peered over the corner of the bed just in time to see a tiny pair of boots disappear underneath her bed . " Who 's there ? " she said , straining to look into the darkness beneath her . " It is I ! " a small voice said , as a man about the size of a potato walked out from under her bed . He wore small yellow boots , and his clothes were made out of leaves . His hair and eyes were the color of moss , and small butterfly wings sprouted from his shoulders . " Your mother is a mean woman , but if you close your eyes I 'll take you my home , and you can roam wherever you like ! " But the little man just hopped up into her lap and pinched her nose . " Silly girl , my home is big enough for anyone ! Won 't you come see ? " The little girl thought about the flowers lying broken on the ground outside , then agreed to go with the little man . " Take me to you home ! " She said , and the little man smiled and placed a log under the sheets of her bed . " So your parents will never know you have left ! " He said , eyes twinkling . She closed her eyes , and no sooner were they shut than she felt very sleepy , and laid down her head for a nap . When she awoke , she found herself in the Wood . She was next to a well , and the day had not yet fallen into dusk . The little man was standing atop the well , and he beckoned her with his hands . " Come down the well , and you will see my home ! " So the little girl hopped into the well with the little man , and splashed into the water at the bottom . There was a door at the bottom , and when the little man opened it she stepped out into a cozy room with a fireplace and a table with lots of food . There were many strange men and women around the table . Some were tall and some were short , and some were fat and some were thin . Some had hair of many colors , and others had no hair at all . Each wore different clothing , and all of them looked quite silly while they sat and talked . " Why , these are my brothers and sisters ! Come sit , and eat with us ! " And so the little girl sat and ate , and the little man 's brothers and sisters told stories and danced and made the little girl laugh for a long time . The little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed when the little man and his brothers and sisters started to change . It happened slowly , but some of their eyes darkened , and the room darkened with them . Some of them became hunched and their teeth sharpened , and the room sharpened with them . Some of them changed to very strange , upsetting colors , and the room changed with them . But the little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed any of it , because the Elves are such great tricksters . She only learned what was happening when they brought out their sharp forks and knives , and they threw her in their stew pot , and used her screams as a spice for their stew . Posted on March 9 , 2012 by Writer Jim Long ago , when men had only just begun to gather in cities , there were two kingdoms in the up in the lofty mountains unlike anything the world had seen . One lay in a shadowed valley where many sweet things grew , and the other was perched on a high cliff . These were the kingdoms of Winter and Summer . They were ruled by two brothers who had bickered all their lives , using the armies of the Two Kingdoms to settle their quarrels . One year , after a very long summer of fighting , the Two Kingdoms hunkered down to weather the snows of winter . This year , the snows piled higher than they ever had , and many people in the Winter Kingdom died . Even in the Summer Kingdom , where hot springs protected its people from the worst winter 's storms , many people took ill and died , though they had food in plenty . No scouts left from either of the castles of the Two Kingdoms , for no one could travel the roads without great peril . And so it happened that one night in the middle of winter the Summer King laid himself down to sleep . He kicked and sweat through most of the night , and in the quiet hour before dawn he jerked upright in his bed . " Who goes there ? " he bellowed , frightful eyes darting to and fro . " Who disturbs the sleep of the King ? " For a long time , there was no response but the sound of the wind as it rushed by outside . But then , without warning , the great wooden shutter of his window burst inward , filling the room with wind and cold . The Summer King clutched his heavy blankets close , but nothing came of the wind and noise . Some days later , the Summer King went walking through his gardens . The sun was high in the sky as he came to one of his favorite hot pools , where he saw a beautiful woman . She wore robes all of white , and she sat gazing into the pool while she brushed her long , golden hair . The woman laughed at him as the sunlight danced with her hair . " I have seen you all abed , shaking beneath your sheets . You are not so big and brave as you wish . " The woman stood , and her bearing was regal and terrible to behold . " Take care with your deeds , child of Man . " the woman said , her voice aglow with the power of command . " You chide defenseless women for their harmless mirth , and think to raise blades against them . All the while , your brother the Winter King lies at the door of death in his northern fortress . Mend your ways , foolish man , or I and my sisters will take you away into great light and heat , and you will surely die . " " If your brother the Winter King should die by your deeds or your negligence , know that all his folk and all yours too shall melt like the snows melt with the dawning of spring . You have been warned . " The White Woman turned , and all the light in the garden dimmed as she left . Alone with his thoughts , the Summer King hied himself to his castle , there to meet with his council and to make ready his plans . When he reached the great hall , his champion saw that he was distraught , and said " My liege ! Show me the foe , and I will take their heads and lay them at your feet ! " Thinking that the Winter King and his armies had come raiding through the storms . " Fools ! " the Summer King said , his great voice booming off the walls . " My brother lies in his bed , sick unto death from starvation . I cannot sit by and allow him to die , though long have I cursed his every breath . " Soon the sleds flew over the earth like birds , and the Summer King 's laughter could be heard far and wide . They came to the gates of the Winter Castle and smote upon the door three times . " We bring gifts ! " The Summer King cried , mirth in every word . " We bring salvation ! " The people of the Winter Kingdom were amazed when they opened the door , for the Summer King shone like the sun , and his mead glittered like gold as it splashed upon the floor . The Summer King went to his brother , who drank from the Summer King 's own horn , and as he did the Summer King bellowed laughter and spoke . " It is an ill omen that kin should come to blows . Drink , brother ! Remember the summer you have lost , and let us know peace . " And the Winter King piled his own wagons high with the work of his finest craftsmen , and with the written histories of his wisest elders , and set out for the Summer Kingdom . There he met with his brother the Summer King , saying " The land yields great riches when kin are at peace . Take these gifts , my brother . Store them against the coming winter , and let us know peace . " And since those days , the Kingdoms of Winter and Summer have lived in peace in their mountain lands . The fates decide which kingdom shall reign with the coming of each new season , and each comes to bow before the sovereignty of the other . Their lands know great peace , and woe betide any who should seek to disturb them . Posted on March 6 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not so long ago , there was a man in the Blackwood who had two sons . The first was handsome and intelligent and could manage everything , but the second was so stupid that he could neither understand nor learn anything . Whenever people saw the second son , they would shake their heads and say " He will be a burden upon his father ! " The first son did everything around the house and performed many errands , but would never go out at night because he was very afraid of the dark . At night , the family would gather around the fire to tell stories , and the first son would often shudder , saying " Please ! Tell me no more frightening tales ! " And the father would shudder too , because he had scared himself with his own stories . The second son , huddled in the corner , would think to himself , " How sad ! Fear is one more thing I don 't understand . " One day , the father came into the house and saw his second son huddled in the corner . " You there ! You are almost a man grown . You are big and strong , and it is time you learned a skill to earn your bread . Leave this house , and do not return until you have learned a skill . " The second son rose and looked his father in the eyes . " Father , I do want to learn something . I don 't understand what it means to be afraid , but I know I will learn if I work very hard . " The oldest song laughed at this brother when he heard this . " By the Silverheart ! " He said , " Even the trolls are smarter than my brother ! He will be useless for as long as he lives . " So the second son left the house of this father to learn what fear was . As he was walking , he came upon a Priest of Unity who was gardening outside his modest Temple . " The Priest is a wise man , a man who can read and write , " said the boy . " I will ask him if he can teach me what fear is . " And so he did , and the Priest laughed at him . " Yes , " the Priest replied . " I will teach you what fear is if you will ring the bells of this Temple at midnight tonight , when the moon has disappeared behind its blanket of clouds . " So the boy did as he was told , and that night at midnight he climbed the tower of the Temple of ring the bells . The Priest , however , sneaked up the tower ahead of him . As the boy grasped the ropes to ring the bells , he saw of a sudden a white figure standing near the edge of the tower . " Who is there ? " shouted the boy . When the white figure did not answer , the boy said " Speak or be gone . You have no business here at night . " When the ghost did not answer , the boy leapt forward , picked the ghost up , and threw it from the tower . The Priest yelled until he hit the ground , where he lay motionless for a long time . The boy finished ringing the bells , then went down the stairs to look at the intruder . When he saw that it was the Priest , the boy became confused , wondering why the Priest wouldn 't speak to him . He thought for a long time , and when he couldn 't figure it out , he left the Temple and never came back . For many days the boy wandered through the Blackwood , and every night he made a bet with someone that they couldn 't teach him what fear was . Every night they would try to scare him , and every morning they would pay him their money because they had failed . The boy reached an inn deep in the woods , and was about to give up hope . The Innkeeper laughed at the boy , and said " You 've come to the right place ! " The Innkeeper told the boy about a haunted castle not far from there , and any man could learn what fear is if only he could keep watch in the castle for three nights . A nearby lord had decreed that any man who cleansed the castle of ghosts could marry the Lord 's daughter , who was very beautiful . Further , the castle was full of many great treasures that would make a man rich enough , but they were guarded by evil spirits . Many had gone into the castle , but no one had returned . So the boy went to the nearby lord and told him that he would stay in the castle for three nights . The lord saw that the boy was handsome and strong , and so he agreed , and gave the boy wood and tinder for a fire , and a knife to defend himself . The lord took the boy to the haunted castle , helped him build a fire , and told the boy " You must not leave the castle until dawn . " " Too many ! Begone ! " said the boy , and went about hacking with his knife . Several of the spirits fled , but those that he killed he gathered up and threw off the wall down into the moat . The second night , the boy was sitting by the fire and grew very tired . Just at that moment , he noticed a large bed in the corner of the room . He yawned happily and laid down on the bed , but as soon as he had the bed start shaking and moving all around the castle . It moved faster and faster , bumping up and down stairs , down corridors , and through rooms large and small , and all the while the boy laughed louder and louder . Suddenly , the bed turned upside down and pinned the boy to the floor . " No fun ! " said the boy , wriggling out and grabbing the sheets . Just as he did , the bed disappeared . " How strange , " he thought . He went back to the fire , laid down , and fell asleep . So the final night name , and soon a whole troop of dead men walked into the castle , bearing a coffin with them . The boy called to them " Ho there ! I am starved for company , come in ! " As he was coming down from the curtain wall , a tall man was standing by his fire . He was broad of shoulder , with white hair and a long white beard . " You will die tonight , " said the old spirit . " Not so fast , " replied the boy . " If I am to die , you will have to kill me . I think I am as strong as you , and perhaps stronger ! " So the spirit wailed and attacked the boy , and they wrestled together . Soon , the boy grabbed the spirit by his long beard and dragged him to the fire . " If you don 't yield , I will burn you ! " the boy shouted . " Please ! I yield ! If only you will spare me , I will show you great riches ! " said the spirit , the light of fear bright behind his eyes . So the boy released the spirit , and the spirit lead him down deep into the castle . They came to a room with three large chests , each filled with gold . " Of these , one is for the poor , one is for the lord , and the third you may keep , " said the spirit , who disappeared into thin air . Posted on February 29 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man with three sons . Each were young men , and one day the man got it into his head to send his firstborn boy out into the woods . His firstborn son was tall and strong , and the man knew he could kill a great deer that had been spotted in the woods nearby , and bring it back for a feast . It happened that as he was walking through the forest , he came upon a stream and decided to stop for a drink . Just at that moment , a beautiful maid stepped out from behind a tree . She was wearing the simple dress of a farmer 's daughter , and held her hands coyly behind her back . The firstborn son saw that this made the girl angry , and he began to laugh at her . " Did you want a kiss from me ? " he asked , making fun of her . " Come here , and I will give you a kiss . " After many days , the man began to fear that his firstborn son had left for a larger village . So he sent his second son out to hunt the deer . This son was even larger and stronger than his older brother , but he was foolish , and had never learned anything in his life . " I will go , father , " said the second son . " But I hardly know what a deer looks like . " After many more days , the man feared that his second son had also fled to a larger village . " You are my last son , " said the man . " You must go and find the deer and bring it back . My other sons have run away . " So the third son set out . He was not as tall or as strong as his brothers , but he was a polite young man , and had learned much in his years . He walked through the forest for a few days , then stopped at a stream to examine some tracks . The Hollowback stepped back and fixed her skirts . " Thank you , " she said , hiding her tail . " You are the brother of the two men who came here earlier . They were hunting for a great deer . Come with me , and I will show you where this deer is . " As they were walking , the Hollowback stopped and turned around . " This is the spot where the great deer will be , " she said . Grabbing the third son 's hands , a great wind rushed up and blew all of her clothes away . The two of them laid down , and after a time the great deer approached . Quickly , the Hollowback leapt up and pulled the head off of the deer . " Here is your deer , " she said . " It is time for you to return to your home . " But one day , the third son opened the door of the cottage to find a baby on the doorstep . He took the baby in and cared for it , because he knew it was his child from the Hollowback . When the baby grew to be a young man too , he was the strongest and most handsome man for many leagues around , and many girls wished to be his wife . Posted on February 28 , 2012 by Writer Jim All souls know better than to journey forth when the moon is dead and the stars have vanished from the night sky . At that hour , the sound of heavenly trumpeting is no call to the paradise of the gods of the treeless lands . No , those horns accompany the hooves of dark steeds sparking fire in the night , and the baying of hounds that man was not meant to see . They are the heralds of the Wild Hunt . They say that when the night is deep and black , some travelers come across an old man alone on the road , holding a lantern aloft and leaning on a staff . " Do you hear ? " he asks , though not even the crickets are making their song . " Do you hear the riders ? All good souls should be indoors at such a time and such a place as this . " Those who meet him and hear his words must heed them , and quickly . Those who do not seek the warmth of the hearth will come to gaze upon the Hunt . It is said to be a great host of flying riders , following a pack of hunting dogs and lead by a powerful man with a mighty horn and a long , cold spear . They ride through all the realms of the earth , through the tangle of the Weald and amongst the woods and meadows of the Blackwood , searching for all wayward souls both brave and foolish . Those that they find on their Hunt are seized , bound by strange cords of spirit , and carried off to the Land of the Dead , from which there is no escape . Of all the tales of the Hunt told across the breadth of this Wood , only one tells of a man who saw those Lands and came back to tell the tale . They say his name was Eckhart , and that he made common cause with a woman of the deep woods , who deals in strange things and follows the Old Ways . She told him of the secret paths that lead from the Land of the Dead back into our Midst , asking a token from that world as payment for her knowledge . This man walked those paths , seeing the Meadow of Peaceful Souls and the Hall of the Valiant Dead . He saw the Dead at rest , basking in sunlight or seated at table , and was wont to join them . He saw shadows at the corner of his sight , shadows that preyed upon the light and made him shudder . He saw many splendid things as well , the golden torcs and goblets and all the hoards of the Dead . He reached for those things , but they passed through his hands like mist , and he saw the Land for a place filled with ghosts and memory . In time , Eckhart found the path back to the Midst . He met the woman in the woods walking down an old forest path , and she cursed him for a liar because he brought nothing back for her . She doomed him to last forever in the twilight of his years , unable to reach the rest in the Land of the Dead ever again . Since that day , he has wandered the Wood , bearing a lamp and leaning on a staff , walking endlessly and warning good folk of the approach of the Hunt . |
Posted on September 30 , 2012 by Writer Jim Johan the Fiddler was one of the most legendary patrons of the Stag and Dragon , greatest of the inns along the Forest Road . Heroes and villains alike could be found under its wide eaves , but from time to time this aged musician seated himself by the fire and ordered hot mulled wine . He would produce his lap fiddle , and weave a sad song over the heads of all in the room . He pulled his hood down , and without fail he said " Once , when I was a younger man , I traveled far from paths and roads . I sought the Blackwood , and the things within it . During my travels through the southern mountains , I met a man who showed me the sublime truth of music , and I turned myself to its study forever after . " It was high in a mountain pass , with the mountain 's firs hung heavy about me , where I met him . I had lost my way , and stumbled blindly upward . I found a stream trickling down , so I traced it to its source . I climbed a waterfall and skirted a pair of trolls to do it , but I came to a great and beautiful lake . Like a hound , it was wrapped around the feet of the mountains beyond , which rose into the morning mist and left sight . The lake was still as the forest around it , and quiet settled over all . " That 's when I saw him , a man of noble dress seated on a stump at the water 's edge . He held a lap fiddle in his arms , and he looked out on the water in equal stillness . I approached him , blade bare , but never did he glance at me or move one inch . He merely picked up the bow of his fiddle , and began to play . " The fog pressed in around us in those first , mournful notes . I felt the burden of a heavy heart , the kind that only lost love can create . I seemed to see her in the mist , and hear her melancholy in the lap fiddle 's song . She cried , but no solace came , for her light , my light , had left . It left her in a world of rain and misery as she walked , jostled by every passerby , beaten but unbowed . " Then the song changed , and the abiding sadness was swept up into a fiddler 's passion . I felt all the thrill of life from every leaf and branch , the lake cleared like air and I saw its every depth , and the call of every bird seemed to be held in the fiddle 's vital playing . It was sturdy music , timeless as the trees themselves , and I saw the frivolity of the lives of men . " But finally , a third movement arrived . This one combined the first two , with a third theme that was forever transfixed between them . I felt the need to choose , to reach out and grab hold of something , anything , but my own nature would not let me . Lacking this , I wanted to make my life a monumental bridge between two worlds , to sway between them until the world 's end . " " With his last chord , " he would say , and only then would the patrons realize he had not spoken for some time . " I understood the power of music , when before I had only heard its beauty . I cast my sword into the lake , fell at his feet , and from that day these hands have held nothing but this lap fiddle . " Posted on July 8 , 2012 by Writer Jim Good children stay safe in their beds when the sun has set over the Blackwood . To rise at night and travel through the dark wood is to forsake all reason and to court folly . By the light of day , the Blackwood is a wild land without mercy for the foolish , but at night the magic in every leaf and stem , or brook and cave shines forth . Even the bravest hunters only take to the darkened Wood at great need , and they invoke all that their ancestors may provide to do so . Once , when I was a girl , there was a boy just my age named Georg . He was a vain and foolish boy , and all the children were wary of him because he was fond of going out into the Wood . He would journey out in the morning and sometimes not come back until well after midday meal . One boy saw Georg balancing on logs and climbing over rocks , and heard him laughing and carrying on like he thought he was an elf . Some people heard him say that he wanted to talk to the elves . Well one morning , the children were all playing on the village green when they we spotted Georg peering out from behind the village elder 's hall . His face was pure white , and he beckoned us to join him . One boy ran over to see what he wanted , and when he returned he said " Georg has a story to tell us . He says it 's important . " So we all ran after Georg until we had found a shaded spot behind a woodcutter 's hut . It was there that Georg told us his tale . The night before , after his parents had gone to sleep , he snuck out of their hut and went into the Wood . He couldn 't find the elves in the day , so he would try the wood at night . Oh , he knew the stories , but he thought that he knew the Wood well enough to walk it after dark . He told us that the wood twisted and turned all around him . Clouds covered the moon , and at every turn there was a raking branch or tripping root to waylay him . At one point , he had to crawl through a thicket he had fallen into , and just when he though he would make it no further , he stumbled out into a torchlit clearing . The sky was black overhead , and a great hall loomed large before him . Strange music could be heard coming from within the hall , and his courage led him to the door . A tall man with rich clothing and a strange face welcomed him inside . " You have entered Waldenhall , child . Come , and behold wonders ! " There , Georg saw many thing that none of us believed . He saw great deer holding feasts at table , and squirrels fighting duels in the rafters . There were women with light in their hair , and tiny folk with greedy faces . They told him they were elves , and that he was welcome in their hall to make merriment and eat well . He sat at their table and shared their food and drink . He listened to their many fine minstrels , and laughed at the stories they would tell . In time , he came to notice a dark figure in the corner . He was squatting on a shelf , and looking at him was like stepping into a dream . The figure 's skin was an iron - heavy shadow , and his eyes were red like two wells of blood . The very walls seemed to slip and twist around him , and it was impossible to break his gaze . Georg didn 't move from the table all night , yet he felt as though he had been pursued through backwards corridors for hours . He escaped and made his way back to the village , but he only found his way after the sun rose . He had been awake all night , yet he could not rest , for fear of being pursued by the shadow creature . We all laughed at him and named him a fool , and went about our play . He remained there for some time , then sulked off to the cottage of his parents . They whipped him for going into the Wood , and sent him to bed with no supper . We all had fits in our sleep that night , and when we woke we found that Georg had died . His father found him stock still and blue as a deep pool . His chest was covered in bruises , like he had been crushed , and all the children recalled the image of the crouching figure in the woodland hall , and how Georg swore that it seemed like an unnaturally weighty fellow . Good children do not seek the wood after dark , and wise adults know why . Too often do they hold service for loved ones who tempt the tangled depths , and don 't even leave a body to bury . Be a good child , for your father 's sake and for mine . Posted on April 26 , 2012 by Writer Jim One day a long time ago , there was a little bird with feathers all of brown . It was always hungry , because all of the other birds were larger and ate all the food before the little bird could find it . Then , when the little bird was flying in search of food , it came upon a great castle in the forest . The little bird landed in a window , and looked down on a great feast being held by the King . The King wore richly - colored robes , and sapphires were set in his golden crown . " If only I were a king , " said the little bird . " Then I could have all the food I needed . " This made the little bird sad , and it began to cry . " Such a silly thing , to cry , " said a voice , causing the bird to jump in surprise . A person no bigger than the bird was standing on the window 's ledge , dressed in clothes made of a single leaf . " The little bird is sad , and small , and hungry . Such a silly thing , to be hungry ! " " I believe you , " said the little person , mischief in its eyes . " Yes ! Yes ! All birds shall bow to the Bird King ! " And so the little person raised its hands high , and its legs turned into tree stumps while stardust drifted through its fingers . The little person laughed , and each laugh was like a step stone that carried the little bird up into the sky . The little bird began to grow , and its feathers changed from brown to every color of flower . Blue feathers sprouted from its head and neck , bright and sleek as sapphires . Its tail grew long , turning into a fan of green and purple and yellow . It 's body began to change at the wing - tips into a burning orange , fading into red and then white . But before the colors could finish spreading , a cruel wind blew out of the sky and hit the little bird on the back . " Ha ha ! " laughed the wind , which looked like a gusty little person . " He makes you regal , and I make you serve ! No further will your feathers change , and your heart will remain small enough to bear an elven rider ! " The little bird cried out , but it was too late . Now it was big and beautiful , save for a saddle of brown just between its wings . The little bird and its hatchlings became known as the King Pheasants , but no matter how much the birds of the forest came to love them , the King Pheasants always suffered to bear an elf whenever one appeared . Posted on March 22 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not long ago , a young man of the Riverfolk went to visit his cousins in the Wood . Because he had come such a long way , and because his Woodfolk cousin had just learned the trade of hunting , they decided to go with some of their friends into the Wood , to swim in a beautiful pool and also to test their courage . Three young men and two young women set out on that day . " I am tired , " said one of the young men . " Let us take a nap . " The others realized they were tired as well , and so each found a comfortable spot and rested their heads . But the Riverman could not sleep , because the Wood was strange and frightful to him . " I am being foolish , " he said to himself . " This is nothing but a forest , and these are nothing but trees . " So to screw up his courage , the Riverman decided that he would leave the small clearing he and the others had found . He took three , and four , and five steps , and still nothing happened . " What a great fool I was ! " he said , laughing . " I will hide and scare my friends . Then they will think that we Riverfolk are much better than Woodfolk . " So the young Riverman found the crook of a large tree root , and laid down beyond it . From his hiding spot , he could no longer see his friends back in the clearing , but he heard one of them snoring . But as the Riverman waited for his friends to wake , he caught a familiar scent drifting through the air . " That smells just like the pies my mother bakes ! " And since the Wood held no fear for him , and since he remembered the way back to his friends in the clearing , he decided to see where the smell had come from . He wandered toward the smell until he came to a cottage with the sun kissing its roof here and there . A garden lay beside it , and smoke was rising from the chimney . An old woman stood in the doorway , holding a great pie . Her eyes met the Riverman 's , and he walked into the cottage with her . " Might I trouble you for a piece of your pie ? " Said the Riverman . " Of course , my dear . " Replied the old woman , and she put a slice on a plate for him . The Riverman ate , but he didn 't notice that with each bite he grew much fatter . Soon he was so fat that he couldn 't stand , and the old woman laughed a cruel laugh . " You are mine now , to do with as I please . " " But my friends will come and rescue me ! " The Riverman wailed . " One is a hunter with keen eyes , and another is a wise woman in her village ! " But the woman just laughed all the more cruelly . " The tracking eyes of your hunter will do him no good , and no wisdom in the world can teach where I am . You are mine , and the Elves are coming . " Much later , the Woodfolk awoke in the clearing and wondered where their friend had gotten off to . A few thought to go separate ways and find him , but the hunter said " To walk the Wood alone is foolish . We will look for him together , but we must be back in the village by nightfall . " The others knew the stories of werewolves and evil things , and the thought made them shudder . So they left the clearing to search for the boy . The hunter used the best of his tracking skills , but he only lead them in large circles . " He must be following our tracks , too . We will wait for him here . " And while they waited , the wise woman thought of the stories she had heard . " I cannot think of where he might be . It is like a riddle that I used to know , but have forgotten . " They sat and thought for a long time , until suddenly a troll came crashing from the Wood and scattered them . Each fled a separate way , and by the time the sun had set only the wise woman had made her way back to the village . The others were never found again . Posted on March 21 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , a long time ago , there was a girl who lived in a village deep in the Wood . She was a restless girl , who finished her chores early and liked to skip along the edge of the village , near the flower and herb gardens of the woman who lived alone . She was just like you . That little girl said the same things you did . " I am not scared of some old woman . " She said . " I like the flowers , and to prove I 'm not scared , I will pick some for my mother . " So the girl went into the flower garden , and when her friends screamed because the witch was looking out of her window at the girl , the girl paid her no mind and gathered a big bouquet for her mother . But her mother knew exactly where the flowers came from , just like I do , and she threw them out the window . " You have been a bad girl ! " Her mother screamed , brandishing the spoon with which she was stirring the night 's stew . " Go to your bed , and do not set foot upon the ground until I tell you ! " So the girl sat on the bed , crying to herself as the sun started to fall from the sky . After what seemed like a very long time , the girl was startled by a strange noise . She peered over the corner of the bed just in time to see a tiny pair of boots disappear underneath her bed . " Who 's there ? " she said , straining to look into the darkness beneath her . " It is I ! " a small voice said , as a man about the size of a potato walked out from under her bed . He wore small yellow boots , and his clothes were made out of leaves . His hair and eyes were the color of moss , and small butterfly wings sprouted from his shoulders . " Your mother is a mean woman , but if you close your eyes I 'll take you my home , and you can roam wherever you like ! " But the little man just hopped up into her lap and pinched her nose . " Silly girl , my home is big enough for anyone ! Won 't you come see ? " The little girl thought about the flowers lying broken on the ground outside , then agreed to go with the little man . " Take me to you home ! " She said , and the little man smiled and placed a log under the sheets of her bed . " So your parents will never know you have left ! " He said , eyes twinkling . She closed her eyes , and no sooner were they shut than she felt very sleepy , and laid down her head for a nap . When she awoke , she found herself in the Wood . She was next to a well , and the day had not yet fallen into dusk . The little man was standing atop the well , and he beckoned her with his hands . " Come down the well , and you will see my home ! " So the little girl hopped into the well with the little man , and splashed into the water at the bottom . There was a door at the bottom , and when the little man opened it she stepped out into a cozy room with a fireplace and a table with lots of food . There were many strange men and women around the table . Some were tall and some were short , and some were fat and some were thin . Some had hair of many colors , and others had no hair at all . Each wore different clothing , and all of them looked quite silly while they sat and talked . " Why , these are my brothers and sisters ! Come sit , and eat with us ! " And so the little girl sat and ate , and the little man 's brothers and sisters told stories and danced and made the little girl laugh for a long time . The little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed when the little man and his brothers and sisters started to change . It happened slowly , but some of their eyes darkened , and the room darkened with them . Some of them became hunched and their teeth sharpened , and the room sharpened with them . Some of them changed to very strange , upsetting colors , and the room changed with them . But the little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed any of it , because the Elves are such great tricksters . She only learned what was happening when they brought out their sharp forks and knives , and they threw her in their stew pot , and used her screams as a spice for their stew . Posted on March 9 , 2012 by Writer Jim Long ago , when men had only just begun to gather in cities , there were two kingdoms in the up in the lofty mountains unlike anything the world had seen . One lay in a shadowed valley where many sweet things grew , and the other was perched on a high cliff . These were the kingdoms of Winter and Summer . They were ruled by two brothers who had bickered all their lives , using the armies of the Two Kingdoms to settle their quarrels . One year , after a very long summer of fighting , the Two Kingdoms hunkered down to weather the snows of winter . This year , the snows piled higher than they ever had , and many people in the Winter Kingdom died . Even in the Summer Kingdom , where hot springs protected its people from the worst winter 's storms , many people took ill and died , though they had food in plenty . No scouts left from either of the castles of the Two Kingdoms , for no one could travel the roads without great peril . And so it happened that one night in the middle of winter the Summer King laid himself down to sleep . He kicked and sweat through most of the night , and in the quiet hour before dawn he jerked upright in his bed . " Who goes there ? " he bellowed , frightful eyes darting to and fro . " Who disturbs the sleep of the King ? " For a long time , there was no response but the sound of the wind as it rushed by outside . But then , without warning , the great wooden shutter of his window burst inward , filling the room with wind and cold . The Summer King clutched his heavy blankets close , but nothing came of the wind and noise . Some days later , the Summer King went walking through his gardens . The sun was high in the sky as he came to one of his favorite hot pools , where he saw a beautiful woman . She wore robes all of white , and she sat gazing into the pool while she brushed her long , golden hair . The woman laughed at him as the sunlight danced with her hair . " I have seen you all abed , shaking beneath your sheets . You are not so big and brave as you wish . " The woman stood , and her bearing was regal and terrible to behold . " Take care with your deeds , child of Man . " the woman said , her voice aglow with the power of command . " You chide defenseless women for their harmless mirth , and think to raise blades against them . All the while , your brother the Winter King lies at the door of death in his northern fortress . Mend your ways , foolish man , or I and my sisters will take you away into great light and heat , and you will surely die . " " If your brother the Winter King should die by your deeds or your negligence , know that all his folk and all yours too shall melt like the snows melt with the dawning of spring . You have been warned . " The White Woman turned , and all the light in the garden dimmed as she left . Alone with his thoughts , the Summer King hied himself to his castle , there to meet with his council and to make ready his plans . When he reached the great hall , his champion saw that he was distraught , and said " My liege ! Show me the foe , and I will take their heads and lay them at your feet ! " Thinking that the Winter King and his armies had come raiding through the storms . " Fools ! " the Summer King said , his great voice booming off the walls . " My brother lies in his bed , sick unto death from starvation . I cannot sit by and allow him to die , though long have I cursed his every breath . " Soon the sleds flew over the earth like birds , and the Summer King 's laughter could be heard far and wide . They came to the gates of the Winter Castle and smote upon the door three times . " We bring gifts ! " The Summer King cried , mirth in every word . " We bring salvation ! " The people of the Winter Kingdom were amazed when they opened the door , for the Summer King shone like the sun , and his mead glittered like gold as it splashed upon the floor . The Summer King went to his brother , who drank from the Summer King 's own horn , and as he did the Summer King bellowed laughter and spoke . " It is an ill omen that kin should come to blows . Drink , brother ! Remember the summer you have lost , and let us know peace . " And the Winter King piled his own wagons high with the work of his finest craftsmen , and with the written histories of his wisest elders , and set out for the Summer Kingdom . There he met with his brother the Summer King , saying " The land yields great riches when kin are at peace . Take these gifts , my brother . Store them against the coming winter , and let us know peace . " And since those days , the Kingdoms of Winter and Summer have lived in peace in their mountain lands . The fates decide which kingdom shall reign with the coming of each new season , and each comes to bow before the sovereignty of the other . Their lands know great peace , and woe betide any who should seek to disturb them . Posted on March 6 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not so long ago , there was a man in the Blackwood who had two sons . The first was handsome and intelligent and could manage everything , but the second was so stupid that he could neither understand nor learn anything . Whenever people saw the second son , they would shake their heads and say " He will be a burden upon his father ! " The first son did everything around the house and performed many errands , but would never go out at night because he was very afraid of the dark . At night , the family would gather around the fire to tell stories , and the first son would often shudder , saying " Please ! Tell me no more frightening tales ! " And the father would shudder too , because he had scared himself with his own stories . The second son , huddled in the corner , would think to himself , " How sad ! Fear is one more thing I don 't understand . " One day , the father came into the house and saw his second son huddled in the corner . " You there ! You are almost a man grown . You are big and strong , and it is time you learned a skill to earn your bread . Leave this house , and do not return until you have learned a skill . " The second son rose and looked his father in the eyes . " Father , I do want to learn something . I don 't understand what it means to be afraid , but I know I will learn if I work very hard . " The oldest song laughed at this brother when he heard this . " By the Silverheart ! " He said , " Even the trolls are smarter than my brother ! He will be useless for as long as he lives . " So the second son left the house of this father to learn what fear was . As he was walking , he came upon a Priest of Unity who was gardening outside his modest Temple . " The Priest is a wise man , a man who can read and write , " said the boy . " I will ask him if he can teach me what fear is . " And so he did , and the Priest laughed at him . " Yes , " the Priest replied . " I will teach you what fear is if you will ring the bells of this Temple at midnight tonight , when the moon has disappeared behind its blanket of clouds . " So the boy did as he was told , and that night at midnight he climbed the tower of the Temple of ring the bells . The Priest , however , sneaked up the tower ahead of him . As the boy grasped the ropes to ring the bells , he saw of a sudden a white figure standing near the edge of the tower . " Who is there ? " shouted the boy . When the white figure did not answer , the boy said " Speak or be gone . You have no business here at night . " When the ghost did not answer , the boy leapt forward , picked the ghost up , and threw it from the tower . The Priest yelled until he hit the ground , where he lay motionless for a long time . The boy finished ringing the bells , then went down the stairs to look at the intruder . When he saw that it was the Priest , the boy became confused , wondering why the Priest wouldn 't speak to him . He thought for a long time , and when he couldn 't figure it out , he left the Temple and never came back . For many days the boy wandered through the Blackwood , and every night he made a bet with someone that they couldn 't teach him what fear was . Every night they would try to scare him , and every morning they would pay him their money because they had failed . The boy reached an inn deep in the woods , and was about to give up hope . The Innkeeper laughed at the boy , and said " You 've come to the right place ! " The Innkeeper told the boy about a haunted castle not far from there , and any man could learn what fear is if only he could keep watch in the castle for three nights . A nearby lord had decreed that any man who cleansed the castle of ghosts could marry the Lord 's daughter , who was very beautiful . Further , the castle was full of many great treasures that would make a man rich enough , but they were guarded by evil spirits . Many had gone into the castle , but no one had returned . So the boy went to the nearby lord and told him that he would stay in the castle for three nights . The lord saw that the boy was handsome and strong , and so he agreed , and gave the boy wood and tinder for a fire , and a knife to defend himself . The lord took the boy to the haunted castle , helped him build a fire , and told the boy " You must not leave the castle until dawn . " " Too many ! Begone ! " said the boy , and went about hacking with his knife . Several of the spirits fled , but those that he killed he gathered up and threw off the wall down into the moat . The second night , the boy was sitting by the fire and grew very tired . Just at that moment , he noticed a large bed in the corner of the room . He yawned happily and laid down on the bed , but as soon as he had the bed start shaking and moving all around the castle . It moved faster and faster , bumping up and down stairs , down corridors , and through rooms large and small , and all the while the boy laughed louder and louder . Suddenly , the bed turned upside down and pinned the boy to the floor . " No fun ! " said the boy , wriggling out and grabbing the sheets . Just as he did , the bed disappeared . " How strange , " he thought . He went back to the fire , laid down , and fell asleep . So the final night name , and soon a whole troop of dead men walked into the castle , bearing a coffin with them . The boy called to them " Ho there ! I am starved for company , come in ! " As he was coming down from the curtain wall , a tall man was standing by his fire . He was broad of shoulder , with white hair and a long white beard . " You will die tonight , " said the old spirit . " Not so fast , " replied the boy . " If I am to die , you will have to kill me . I think I am as strong as you , and perhaps stronger ! " So the spirit wailed and attacked the boy , and they wrestled together . Soon , the boy grabbed the spirit by his long beard and dragged him to the fire . " If you don 't yield , I will burn you ! " the boy shouted . " Please ! I yield ! If only you will spare me , I will show you great riches ! " said the spirit , the light of fear bright behind his eyes . So the boy released the spirit , and the spirit lead him down deep into the castle . They came to a room with three large chests , each filled with gold . " Of these , one is for the poor , one is for the lord , and the third you may keep , " said the spirit , who disappeared into thin air . Posted on February 29 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man with three sons . Each were young men , and one day the man got it into his head to send his firstborn boy out into the woods . His firstborn son was tall and strong , and the man knew he could kill a great deer that had been spotted in the woods nearby , and bring it back for a feast . It happened that as he was walking through the forest , he came upon a stream and decided to stop for a drink . Just at that moment , a beautiful maid stepped out from behind a tree . She was wearing the simple dress of a farmer 's daughter , and held her hands coyly behind her back . The firstborn son saw that this made the girl angry , and he began to laugh at her . " Did you want a kiss from me ? " he asked , making fun of her . " Come here , and I will give you a kiss . " After many days , the man began to fear that his firstborn son had left for a larger village . So he sent his second son out to hunt the deer . This son was even larger and stronger than his older brother , but he was foolish , and had never learned anything in his life . " I will go , father , " said the second son . " But I hardly know what a deer looks like . " After many more days , the man feared that his second son had also fled to a larger village . " You are my last son , " said the man . " You must go and find the deer and bring it back . My other sons have run away . " So the third son set out . He was not as tall or as strong as his brothers , but he was a polite young man , and had learned much in his years . He walked through the forest for a few days , then stopped at a stream to examine some tracks . The Hollowback stepped back and fixed her skirts . " Thank you , " she said , hiding her tail . " You are the brother of the two men who came here earlier . They were hunting for a great deer . Come with me , and I will show you where this deer is . " As they were walking , the Hollowback stopped and turned around . " This is the spot where the great deer will be , " she said . Grabbing the third son 's hands , a great wind rushed up and blew all of her clothes away . The two of them laid down , and after a time the great deer approached . Quickly , the Hollowback leapt up and pulled the head off of the deer . " Here is your deer , " she said . " It is time for you to return to your home . " But one day , the third son opened the door of the cottage to find a baby on the doorstep . He took the baby in and cared for it , because he knew it was his child from the Hollowback . When the baby grew to be a young man too , he was the strongest and most handsome man for many leagues around , and many girls wished to be his wife . Posted on February 28 , 2012 by Writer Jim All souls know better than to journey forth when the moon is dead and the stars have vanished from the night sky . At that hour , the sound of heavenly trumpeting is no call to the paradise of the gods of the treeless lands . No , those horns accompany the hooves of dark steeds sparking fire in the night , and the baying of hounds that man was not meant to see . They are the heralds of the Wild Hunt . They say that when the night is deep and black , some travelers come across an old man alone on the road , holding a lantern aloft and leaning on a staff . " Do you hear ? " he asks , though not even the crickets are making their song . " Do you hear the riders ? All good souls should be indoors at such a time and such a place as this . " Those who meet him and hear his words must heed them , and quickly . Those who do not seek the warmth of the hearth will come to gaze upon the Hunt . It is said to be a great host of flying riders , following a pack of hunting dogs and lead by a powerful man with a mighty horn and a long , cold spear . They ride through all the realms of the earth , through the tangle of the Weald and amongst the woods and meadows of the Blackwood , searching for all wayward souls both brave and foolish . Those that they find on their Hunt are seized , bound by strange cords of spirit , and carried off to the Land of the Dead , from which there is no escape . Of all the tales of the Hunt told across the breadth of this Wood , only one tells of a man who saw those Lands and came back to tell the tale . They say his name was Eckhart , and that he made common cause with a woman of the deep woods , who deals in strange things and follows the Old Ways . She told him of the secret paths that lead from the Land of the Dead back into our Midst , asking a token from that world as payment for her knowledge . This man walked those paths , seeing the Meadow of Peaceful Souls and the Hall of the Valiant Dead . He saw the Dead at rest , basking in sunlight or seated at table , and was wont to join them . He saw shadows at the corner of his sight , shadows that preyed upon the light and made him shudder . He saw many splendid things as well , the golden torcs and goblets and all the hoards of the Dead . He reached for those things , but they passed through his hands like mist , and he saw the Land for a place filled with ghosts and memory . In time , Eckhart found the path back to the Midst . He met the woman in the woods walking down an old forest path , and she cursed him for a liar because he brought nothing back for her . She doomed him to last forever in the twilight of his years , unable to reach the rest in the Land of the Dead ever again . Since that day , he has wandered the Wood , bearing a lamp and leaning on a staff , walking endlessly and warning good folk of the approach of the Hunt . |
Posted on September 30 , 2012 by Writer Jim Johan the Fiddler was one of the most legendary patrons of the Stag and Dragon , greatest of the inns along the Forest Road . Heroes and villains alike could be found under its wide eaves , but from time to time this aged musician seated himself by the fire and ordered hot mulled wine . He would produce his lap fiddle , and weave a sad song over the heads of all in the room . He pulled his hood down , and without fail he said " Once , when I was a younger man , I traveled far from paths and roads . I sought the Blackwood , and the things within it . During my travels through the southern mountains , I met a man who showed me the sublime truth of music , and I turned myself to its study forever after . " It was high in a mountain pass , with the mountain 's firs hung heavy about me , where I met him . I had lost my way , and stumbled blindly upward . I found a stream trickling down , so I traced it to its source . I climbed a waterfall and skirted a pair of trolls to do it , but I came to a great and beautiful lake . Like a hound , it was wrapped around the feet of the mountains beyond , which rose into the morning mist and left sight . The lake was still as the forest around it , and quiet settled over all . " That 's when I saw him , a man of noble dress seated on a stump at the water 's edge . He held a lap fiddle in his arms , and he looked out on the water in equal stillness . I approached him , blade bare , but never did he glance at me or move one inch . He merely picked up the bow of his fiddle , and began to play . " The fog pressed in around us in those first , mournful notes . I felt the burden of a heavy heart , the kind that only lost love can create . I seemed to see her in the mist , and hear her melancholy in the lap fiddle 's song . She cried , but no solace came , for her light , my light , had left . It left her in a world of rain and misery as she walked , jostled by every passerby , beaten but unbowed . " Then the song changed , and the abiding sadness was swept up into a fiddler 's passion . I felt all the thrill of life from every leaf and branch , the lake cleared like air and I saw its every depth , and the call of every bird seemed to be held in the fiddle 's vital playing . It was sturdy music , timeless as the trees themselves , and I saw the frivolity of the lives of men . " But finally , a third movement arrived . This one combined the first two , with a third theme that was forever transfixed between them . I felt the need to choose , to reach out and grab hold of something , anything , but my own nature would not let me . Lacking this , I wanted to make my life a monumental bridge between two worlds , to sway between them until the world 's end . " " With his last chord , " he would say , and only then would the patrons realize he had not spoken for some time . " I understood the power of music , when before I had only heard its beauty . I cast my sword into the lake , fell at his feet , and from that day these hands have held nothing but this lap fiddle . " Posted on July 8 , 2012 by Writer Jim Good children stay safe in their beds when the sun has set over the Blackwood . To rise at night and travel through the dark wood is to forsake all reason and to court folly . By the light of day , the Blackwood is a wild land without mercy for the foolish , but at night the magic in every leaf and stem , or brook and cave shines forth . Even the bravest hunters only take to the darkened Wood at great need , and they invoke all that their ancestors may provide to do so . Once , when I was a girl , there was a boy just my age named Georg . He was a vain and foolish boy , and all the children were wary of him because he was fond of going out into the Wood . He would journey out in the morning and sometimes not come back until well after midday meal . One boy saw Georg balancing on logs and climbing over rocks , and heard him laughing and carrying on like he thought he was an elf . Some people heard him say that he wanted to talk to the elves . Well one morning , the children were all playing on the village green when they we spotted Georg peering out from behind the village elder 's hall . His face was pure white , and he beckoned us to join him . One boy ran over to see what he wanted , and when he returned he said " Georg has a story to tell us . He says it 's important . " So we all ran after Georg until we had found a shaded spot behind a woodcutter 's hut . It was there that Georg told us his tale . The night before , after his parents had gone to sleep , he snuck out of their hut and went into the Wood . He couldn 't find the elves in the day , so he would try the wood at night . Oh , he knew the stories , but he thought that he knew the Wood well enough to walk it after dark . He told us that the wood twisted and turned all around him . Clouds covered the moon , and at every turn there was a raking branch or tripping root to waylay him . At one point , he had to crawl through a thicket he had fallen into , and just when he though he would make it no further , he stumbled out into a torchlit clearing . The sky was black overhead , and a great hall loomed large before him . Strange music could be heard coming from within the hall , and his courage led him to the door . A tall man with rich clothing and a strange face welcomed him inside . " You have entered Waldenhall , child . Come , and behold wonders ! " There , Georg saw many thing that none of us believed . He saw great deer holding feasts at table , and squirrels fighting duels in the rafters . There were women with light in their hair , and tiny folk with greedy faces . They told him they were elves , and that he was welcome in their hall to make merriment and eat well . He sat at their table and shared their food and drink . He listened to their many fine minstrels , and laughed at the stories they would tell . In time , he came to notice a dark figure in the corner . He was squatting on a shelf , and looking at him was like stepping into a dream . The figure 's skin was an iron - heavy shadow , and his eyes were red like two wells of blood . The very walls seemed to slip and twist around him , and it was impossible to break his gaze . Georg didn 't move from the table all night , yet he felt as though he had been pursued through backwards corridors for hours . He escaped and made his way back to the village , but he only found his way after the sun rose . He had been awake all night , yet he could not rest , for fear of being pursued by the shadow creature . We all laughed at him and named him a fool , and went about our play . He remained there for some time , then sulked off to the cottage of his parents . They whipped him for going into the Wood , and sent him to bed with no supper . We all had fits in our sleep that night , and when we woke we found that Georg had died . His father found him stock still and blue as a deep pool . His chest was covered in bruises , like he had been crushed , and all the children recalled the image of the crouching figure in the woodland hall , and how Georg swore that it seemed like an unnaturally weighty fellow . Good children do not seek the wood after dark , and wise adults know why . Too often do they hold service for loved ones who tempt the tangled depths , and don 't even leave a body to bury . Be a good child , for your father 's sake and for mine . Posted on April 26 , 2012 by Writer Jim One day a long time ago , there was a little bird with feathers all of brown . It was always hungry , because all of the other birds were larger and ate all the food before the little bird could find it . Then , when the little bird was flying in search of food , it came upon a great castle in the forest . The little bird landed in a window , and looked down on a great feast being held by the King . The King wore richly - colored robes , and sapphires were set in his golden crown . " If only I were a king , " said the little bird . " Then I could have all the food I needed . " This made the little bird sad , and it began to cry . " Such a silly thing , to cry , " said a voice , causing the bird to jump in surprise . A person no bigger than the bird was standing on the window 's ledge , dressed in clothes made of a single leaf . " The little bird is sad , and small , and hungry . Such a silly thing , to be hungry ! " " I believe you , " said the little person , mischief in its eyes . " Yes ! Yes ! All birds shall bow to the Bird King ! " And so the little person raised its hands high , and its legs turned into tree stumps while stardust drifted through its fingers . The little person laughed , and each laugh was like a step stone that carried the little bird up into the sky . The little bird began to grow , and its feathers changed from brown to every color of flower . Blue feathers sprouted from its head and neck , bright and sleek as sapphires . Its tail grew long , turning into a fan of green and purple and yellow . It 's body began to change at the wing - tips into a burning orange , fading into red and then white . But before the colors could finish spreading , a cruel wind blew out of the sky and hit the little bird on the back . " Ha ha ! " laughed the wind , which looked like a gusty little person . " He makes you regal , and I make you serve ! No further will your feathers change , and your heart will remain small enough to bear an elven rider ! " The little bird cried out , but it was too late . Now it was big and beautiful , save for a saddle of brown just between its wings . The little bird and its hatchlings became known as the King Pheasants , but no matter how much the birds of the forest came to love them , the King Pheasants always suffered to bear an elf whenever one appeared . Posted on March 22 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not long ago , a young man of the Riverfolk went to visit his cousins in the Wood . Because he had come such a long way , and because his Woodfolk cousin had just learned the trade of hunting , they decided to go with some of their friends into the Wood , to swim in a beautiful pool and also to test their courage . Three young men and two young women set out on that day . " I am tired , " said one of the young men . " Let us take a nap . " The others realized they were tired as well , and so each found a comfortable spot and rested their heads . But the Riverman could not sleep , because the Wood was strange and frightful to him . " I am being foolish , " he said to himself . " This is nothing but a forest , and these are nothing but trees . " So to screw up his courage , the Riverman decided that he would leave the small clearing he and the others had found . He took three , and four , and five steps , and still nothing happened . " What a great fool I was ! " he said , laughing . " I will hide and scare my friends . Then they will think that we Riverfolk are much better than Woodfolk . " So the young Riverman found the crook of a large tree root , and laid down beyond it . From his hiding spot , he could no longer see his friends back in the clearing , but he heard one of them snoring . But as the Riverman waited for his friends to wake , he caught a familiar scent drifting through the air . " That smells just like the pies my mother bakes ! " And since the Wood held no fear for him , and since he remembered the way back to his friends in the clearing , he decided to see where the smell had come from . He wandered toward the smell until he came to a cottage with the sun kissing its roof here and there . A garden lay beside it , and smoke was rising from the chimney . An old woman stood in the doorway , holding a great pie . Her eyes met the Riverman 's , and he walked into the cottage with her . " Might I trouble you for a piece of your pie ? " Said the Riverman . " Of course , my dear . " Replied the old woman , and she put a slice on a plate for him . The Riverman ate , but he didn 't notice that with each bite he grew much fatter . Soon he was so fat that he couldn 't stand , and the old woman laughed a cruel laugh . " You are mine now , to do with as I please . " " But my friends will come and rescue me ! " The Riverman wailed . " One is a hunter with keen eyes , and another is a wise woman in her village ! " But the woman just laughed all the more cruelly . " The tracking eyes of your hunter will do him no good , and no wisdom in the world can teach where I am . You are mine , and the Elves are coming . " Much later , the Woodfolk awoke in the clearing and wondered where their friend had gotten off to . A few thought to go separate ways and find him , but the hunter said " To walk the Wood alone is foolish . We will look for him together , but we must be back in the village by nightfall . " The others knew the stories of werewolves and evil things , and the thought made them shudder . So they left the clearing to search for the boy . The hunter used the best of his tracking skills , but he only lead them in large circles . " He must be following our tracks , too . We will wait for him here . " And while they waited , the wise woman thought of the stories she had heard . " I cannot think of where he might be . It is like a riddle that I used to know , but have forgotten . " They sat and thought for a long time , until suddenly a troll came crashing from the Wood and scattered them . Each fled a separate way , and by the time the sun had set only the wise woman had made her way back to the village . The others were never found again . Posted on March 21 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , a long time ago , there was a girl who lived in a village deep in the Wood . She was a restless girl , who finished her chores early and liked to skip along the edge of the village , near the flower and herb gardens of the woman who lived alone . She was just like you . That little girl said the same things you did . " I am not scared of some old woman . " She said . " I like the flowers , and to prove I 'm not scared , I will pick some for my mother . " So the girl went into the flower garden , and when her friends screamed because the witch was looking out of her window at the girl , the girl paid her no mind and gathered a big bouquet for her mother . But her mother knew exactly where the flowers came from , just like I do , and she threw them out the window . " You have been a bad girl ! " Her mother screamed , brandishing the spoon with which she was stirring the night 's stew . " Go to your bed , and do not set foot upon the ground until I tell you ! " So the girl sat on the bed , crying to herself as the sun started to fall from the sky . After what seemed like a very long time , the girl was startled by a strange noise . She peered over the corner of the bed just in time to see a tiny pair of boots disappear underneath her bed . " Who 's there ? " she said , straining to look into the darkness beneath her . " It is I ! " a small voice said , as a man about the size of a potato walked out from under her bed . He wore small yellow boots , and his clothes were made out of leaves . His hair and eyes were the color of moss , and small butterfly wings sprouted from his shoulders . " Your mother is a mean woman , but if you close your eyes I 'll take you my home , and you can roam wherever you like ! " But the little man just hopped up into her lap and pinched her nose . " Silly girl , my home is big enough for anyone ! Won 't you come see ? " The little girl thought about the flowers lying broken on the ground outside , then agreed to go with the little man . " Take me to you home ! " She said , and the little man smiled and placed a log under the sheets of her bed . " So your parents will never know you have left ! " He said , eyes twinkling . She closed her eyes , and no sooner were they shut than she felt very sleepy , and laid down her head for a nap . When she awoke , she found herself in the Wood . She was next to a well , and the day had not yet fallen into dusk . The little man was standing atop the well , and he beckoned her with his hands . " Come down the well , and you will see my home ! " So the little girl hopped into the well with the little man , and splashed into the water at the bottom . There was a door at the bottom , and when the little man opened it she stepped out into a cozy room with a fireplace and a table with lots of food . There were many strange men and women around the table . Some were tall and some were short , and some were fat and some were thin . Some had hair of many colors , and others had no hair at all . Each wore different clothing , and all of them looked quite silly while they sat and talked . " Why , these are my brothers and sisters ! Come sit , and eat with us ! " And so the little girl sat and ate , and the little man 's brothers and sisters told stories and danced and made the little girl laugh for a long time . The little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed when the little man and his brothers and sisters started to change . It happened slowly , but some of their eyes darkened , and the room darkened with them . Some of them became hunched and their teeth sharpened , and the room sharpened with them . Some of them changed to very strange , upsetting colors , and the room changed with them . But the little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed any of it , because the Elves are such great tricksters . She only learned what was happening when they brought out their sharp forks and knives , and they threw her in their stew pot , and used her screams as a spice for their stew . Posted on March 9 , 2012 by Writer Jim Long ago , when men had only just begun to gather in cities , there were two kingdoms in the up in the lofty mountains unlike anything the world had seen . One lay in a shadowed valley where many sweet things grew , and the other was perched on a high cliff . These were the kingdoms of Winter and Summer . They were ruled by two brothers who had bickered all their lives , using the armies of the Two Kingdoms to settle their quarrels . One year , after a very long summer of fighting , the Two Kingdoms hunkered down to weather the snows of winter . This year , the snows piled higher than they ever had , and many people in the Winter Kingdom died . Even in the Summer Kingdom , where hot springs protected its people from the worst winter 's storms , many people took ill and died , though they had food in plenty . No scouts left from either of the castles of the Two Kingdoms , for no one could travel the roads without great peril . And so it happened that one night in the middle of winter the Summer King laid himself down to sleep . He kicked and sweat through most of the night , and in the quiet hour before dawn he jerked upright in his bed . " Who goes there ? " he bellowed , frightful eyes darting to and fro . " Who disturbs the sleep of the King ? " For a long time , there was no response but the sound of the wind as it rushed by outside . But then , without warning , the great wooden shutter of his window burst inward , filling the room with wind and cold . The Summer King clutched his heavy blankets close , but nothing came of the wind and noise . Some days later , the Summer King went walking through his gardens . The sun was high in the sky as he came to one of his favorite hot pools , where he saw a beautiful woman . She wore robes all of white , and she sat gazing into the pool while she brushed her long , golden hair . The woman laughed at him as the sunlight danced with her hair . " I have seen you all abed , shaking beneath your sheets . You are not so big and brave as you wish . " The woman stood , and her bearing was regal and terrible to behold . " Take care with your deeds , child of Man . " the woman said , her voice aglow with the power of command . " You chide defenseless women for their harmless mirth , and think to raise blades against them . All the while , your brother the Winter King lies at the door of death in his northern fortress . Mend your ways , foolish man , or I and my sisters will take you away into great light and heat , and you will surely die . " " If your brother the Winter King should die by your deeds or your negligence , know that all his folk and all yours too shall melt like the snows melt with the dawning of spring . You have been warned . " The White Woman turned , and all the light in the garden dimmed as she left . Alone with his thoughts , the Summer King hied himself to his castle , there to meet with his council and to make ready his plans . When he reached the great hall , his champion saw that he was distraught , and said " My liege ! Show me the foe , and I will take their heads and lay them at your feet ! " Thinking that the Winter King and his armies had come raiding through the storms . " Fools ! " the Summer King said , his great voice booming off the walls . " My brother lies in his bed , sick unto death from starvation . I cannot sit by and allow him to die , though long have I cursed his every breath . " Soon the sleds flew over the earth like birds , and the Summer King 's laughter could be heard far and wide . They came to the gates of the Winter Castle and smote upon the door three times . " We bring gifts ! " The Summer King cried , mirth in every word . " We bring salvation ! " The people of the Winter Kingdom were amazed when they opened the door , for the Summer King shone like the sun , and his mead glittered like gold as it splashed upon the floor . The Summer King went to his brother , who drank from the Summer King 's own horn , and as he did the Summer King bellowed laughter and spoke . " It is an ill omen that kin should come to blows . Drink , brother ! Remember the summer you have lost , and let us know peace . " And the Winter King piled his own wagons high with the work of his finest craftsmen , and with the written histories of his wisest elders , and set out for the Summer Kingdom . There he met with his brother the Summer King , saying " The land yields great riches when kin are at peace . Take these gifts , my brother . Store them against the coming winter , and let us know peace . " And since those days , the Kingdoms of Winter and Summer have lived in peace in their mountain lands . The fates decide which kingdom shall reign with the coming of each new season , and each comes to bow before the sovereignty of the other . Their lands know great peace , and woe betide any who should seek to disturb them . Posted on March 6 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not so long ago , there was a man in the Blackwood who had two sons . The first was handsome and intelligent and could manage everything , but the second was so stupid that he could neither understand nor learn anything . Whenever people saw the second son , they would shake their heads and say " He will be a burden upon his father ! " The first son did everything around the house and performed many errands , but would never go out at night because he was very afraid of the dark . At night , the family would gather around the fire to tell stories , and the first son would often shudder , saying " Please ! Tell me no more frightening tales ! " And the father would shudder too , because he had scared himself with his own stories . The second son , huddled in the corner , would think to himself , " How sad ! Fear is one more thing I don 't understand . " One day , the father came into the house and saw his second son huddled in the corner . " You there ! You are almost a man grown . You are big and strong , and it is time you learned a skill to earn your bread . Leave this house , and do not return until you have learned a skill . " The second son rose and looked his father in the eyes . " Father , I do want to learn something . I don 't understand what it means to be afraid , but I know I will learn if I work very hard . " The oldest song laughed at this brother when he heard this . " By the Silverheart ! " He said , " Even the trolls are smarter than my brother ! He will be useless for as long as he lives . " So the second son left the house of this father to learn what fear was . As he was walking , he came upon a Priest of Unity who was gardening outside his modest Temple . " The Priest is a wise man , a man who can read and write , " said the boy . " I will ask him if he can teach me what fear is . " And so he did , and the Priest laughed at him . " Yes , " the Priest replied . " I will teach you what fear is if you will ring the bells of this Temple at midnight tonight , when the moon has disappeared behind its blanket of clouds . " So the boy did as he was told , and that night at midnight he climbed the tower of the Temple of ring the bells . The Priest , however , sneaked up the tower ahead of him . As the boy grasped the ropes to ring the bells , he saw of a sudden a white figure standing near the edge of the tower . " Who is there ? " shouted the boy . When the white figure did not answer , the boy said " Speak or be gone . You have no business here at night . " When the ghost did not answer , the boy leapt forward , picked the ghost up , and threw it from the tower . The Priest yelled until he hit the ground , where he lay motionless for a long time . The boy finished ringing the bells , then went down the stairs to look at the intruder . When he saw that it was the Priest , the boy became confused , wondering why the Priest wouldn 't speak to him . He thought for a long time , and when he couldn 't figure it out , he left the Temple and never came back . For many days the boy wandered through the Blackwood , and every night he made a bet with someone that they couldn 't teach him what fear was . Every night they would try to scare him , and every morning they would pay him their money because they had failed . The boy reached an inn deep in the woods , and was about to give up hope . The Innkeeper laughed at the boy , and said " You 've come to the right place ! " The Innkeeper told the boy about a haunted castle not far from there , and any man could learn what fear is if only he could keep watch in the castle for three nights . A nearby lord had decreed that any man who cleansed the castle of ghosts could marry the Lord 's daughter , who was very beautiful . Further , the castle was full of many great treasures that would make a man rich enough , but they were guarded by evil spirits . Many had gone into the castle , but no one had returned . So the boy went to the nearby lord and told him that he would stay in the castle for three nights . The lord saw that the boy was handsome and strong , and so he agreed , and gave the boy wood and tinder for a fire , and a knife to defend himself . The lord took the boy to the haunted castle , helped him build a fire , and told the boy " You must not leave the castle until dawn . " " Too many ! Begone ! " said the boy , and went about hacking with his knife . Several of the spirits fled , but those that he killed he gathered up and threw off the wall down into the moat . The second night , the boy was sitting by the fire and grew very tired . Just at that moment , he noticed a large bed in the corner of the room . He yawned happily and laid down on the bed , but as soon as he had the bed start shaking and moving all around the castle . It moved faster and faster , bumping up and down stairs , down corridors , and through rooms large and small , and all the while the boy laughed louder and louder . Suddenly , the bed turned upside down and pinned the boy to the floor . " No fun ! " said the boy , wriggling out and grabbing the sheets . Just as he did , the bed disappeared . " How strange , " he thought . He went back to the fire , laid down , and fell asleep . So the final night name , and soon a whole troop of dead men walked into the castle , bearing a coffin with them . The boy called to them " Ho there ! I am starved for company , come in ! " As he was coming down from the curtain wall , a tall man was standing by his fire . He was broad of shoulder , with white hair and a long white beard . " You will die tonight , " said the old spirit . " Not so fast , " replied the boy . " If I am to die , you will have to kill me . I think I am as strong as you , and perhaps stronger ! " So the spirit wailed and attacked the boy , and they wrestled together . Soon , the boy grabbed the spirit by his long beard and dragged him to the fire . " If you don 't yield , I will burn you ! " the boy shouted . " Please ! I yield ! If only you will spare me , I will show you great riches ! " said the spirit , the light of fear bright behind his eyes . So the boy released the spirit , and the spirit lead him down deep into the castle . They came to a room with three large chests , each filled with gold . " Of these , one is for the poor , one is for the lord , and the third you may keep , " said the spirit , who disappeared into thin air . Posted on February 29 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man with three sons . Each were young men , and one day the man got it into his head to send his firstborn boy out into the woods . His firstborn son was tall and strong , and the man knew he could kill a great deer that had been spotted in the woods nearby , and bring it back for a feast . It happened that as he was walking through the forest , he came upon a stream and decided to stop for a drink . Just at that moment , a beautiful maid stepped out from behind a tree . She was wearing the simple dress of a farmer 's daughter , and held her hands coyly behind her back . The firstborn son saw that this made the girl angry , and he began to laugh at her . " Did you want a kiss from me ? " he asked , making fun of her . " Come here , and I will give you a kiss . " After many days , the man began to fear that his firstborn son had left for a larger village . So he sent his second son out to hunt the deer . This son was even larger and stronger than his older brother , but he was foolish , and had never learned anything in his life . " I will go , father , " said the second son . " But I hardly know what a deer looks like . " After many more days , the man feared that his second son had also fled to a larger village . " You are my last son , " said the man . " You must go and find the deer and bring it back . My other sons have run away . " So the third son set out . He was not as tall or as strong as his brothers , but he was a polite young man , and had learned much in his years . He walked through the forest for a few days , then stopped at a stream to examine some tracks . The Hollowback stepped back and fixed her skirts . " Thank you , " she said , hiding her tail . " You are the brother of the two men who came here earlier . They were hunting for a great deer . Come with me , and I will show you where this deer is . " As they were walking , the Hollowback stopped and turned around . " This is the spot where the great deer will be , " she said . Grabbing the third son 's hands , a great wind rushed up and blew all of her clothes away . The two of them laid down , and after a time the great deer approached . Quickly , the Hollowback leapt up and pulled the head off of the deer . " Here is your deer , " she said . " It is time for you to return to your home . " But one day , the third son opened the door of the cottage to find a baby on the doorstep . He took the baby in and cared for it , because he knew it was his child from the Hollowback . When the baby grew to be a young man too , he was the strongest and most handsome man for many leagues around , and many girls wished to be his wife . Posted on February 28 , 2012 by Writer Jim All souls know better than to journey forth when the moon is dead and the stars have vanished from the night sky . At that hour , the sound of heavenly trumpeting is no call to the paradise of the gods of the treeless lands . No , those horns accompany the hooves of dark steeds sparking fire in the night , and the baying of hounds that man was not meant to see . They are the heralds of the Wild Hunt . They say that when the night is deep and black , some travelers come across an old man alone on the road , holding a lantern aloft and leaning on a staff . " Do you hear ? " he asks , though not even the crickets are making their song . " Do you hear the riders ? All good souls should be indoors at such a time and such a place as this . " Those who meet him and hear his words must heed them , and quickly . Those who do not seek the warmth of the hearth will come to gaze upon the Hunt . It is said to be a great host of flying riders , following a pack of hunting dogs and lead by a powerful man with a mighty horn and a long , cold spear . They ride through all the realms of the earth , through the tangle of the Weald and amongst the woods and meadows of the Blackwood , searching for all wayward souls both brave and foolish . Those that they find on their Hunt are seized , bound by strange cords of spirit , and carried off to the Land of the Dead , from which there is no escape . Of all the tales of the Hunt told across the breadth of this Wood , only one tells of a man who saw those Lands and came back to tell the tale . They say his name was Eckhart , and that he made common cause with a woman of the deep woods , who deals in strange things and follows the Old Ways . She told him of the secret paths that lead from the Land of the Dead back into our Midst , asking a token from that world as payment for her knowledge . This man walked those paths , seeing the Meadow of Peaceful Souls and the Hall of the Valiant Dead . He saw the Dead at rest , basking in sunlight or seated at table , and was wont to join them . He saw shadows at the corner of his sight , shadows that preyed upon the light and made him shudder . He saw many splendid things as well , the golden torcs and goblets and all the hoards of the Dead . He reached for those things , but they passed through his hands like mist , and he saw the Land for a place filled with ghosts and memory . In time , Eckhart found the path back to the Midst . He met the woman in the woods walking down an old forest path , and she cursed him for a liar because he brought nothing back for her . She doomed him to last forever in the twilight of his years , unable to reach the rest in the Land of the Dead ever again . Since that day , he has wandered the Wood , bearing a lamp and leaning on a staff , walking endlessly and warning good folk of the approach of the Hunt . |
Today one of my best friends and her kids came home from Ohio ! She 's been gone for nearly two years . I 've missed her so much . I should have taken pictures , but she surprised me by coming to my house right after she said she was going to get some food for her family . I 'll take a picture tomorrow , when they aren 't exhausted and travel weary . I think she 'll appreciate it . We ate sushi , picked up some supplies , and stopped by her home . I love the colors she picked for her house . I didn 't bring my kids with me , so I was free to enjoy my friend . My friend , on the other hand , had her three kids with her , and they had been traveling for fifteen hours . They were tired and hungry . I 'm so impressed by how Ms . K handled her children . I don 't think I would have been half as patient . Ms . K brought a young woman with her who has never visited California before . I let her pick an orange off our tree . It 's a pretty big thing to pick and eat an orange fresh off a tree when you come from the Midwest ! I hope she enjoys California . Three topics , one post . It would have been better to separate this post into three different ones , but it 's getting late , Hubby is in bed , and I really should be there also . Of course , my life isn 't easily separated into neat sections , so you may as well see it all at once , as I experience it . Yesterday one of my daughters - in - law had a birthday . Some of us got together to eat Chinese and celebrate today . I love the women my sons have married . They are my girls ! We also had a great time with Grandson . Mr . I did pretty well , but he acted sick afterwards . Time will tell if his illness was because of too much excitement , or if he is really ill . Ok , now for the kids stuff . Ms . D seems more attached this week , but Mr . I less . I 'm wondering if in our effort to get Ms . D more on track , we have neglected Mr . I . There are a few things that are troubling me , like when a neighbor came to me with some concerns about how Mr . I has been acting the past few weeks . Usually he 's able to hold it together outside the family , and I 'm the one to receive the brunt of his dysregulation . He must be feeling pretty bad inside if he acts out in public when I am not with him . I 'll have to do a little bit more sleuthing to find out the source of his distress . And finally , a high school friend posted a picture that means so much to Hubby and me . It is of the art teacher and classroom that Hubby and I first met . I was just turning fourteen when we were in Mr . William 's art class together . I have a hard time remembering and picturing the past , so this photograph is very dear to me . Posted by Today I had a bit of a scare and went to the emergency room . I was concerned about a migraine symptom the other day , so I emailed my doctor . Because my doctor was out of town , another doctor emailed me back this morning and told me to go to straight to the emergency room . The emergency room doctor didn 't think it was too serious , but I had a CAT scan just to be safe . It came out normal , which is reassuring . I am OK . 1 . It didn 't take long at all for the family and friends to contact me to make sure I wasn 't going to die or anything like that . I got calls and texts before I was even checked in . Hubby came home from work early and I had multiple offers of rides home . I didn 't tell the family many details before I left , in order not to disturb the younger kids . But because I was vague , I think it worried the older ones and Hubby more . I honestly didn 't think it was a real emergency , but going to the emergency room was the only way to rule out something more serious . If I thought I was really ill , I wouldn 't have driven myself to the hospital . It was nice to be able to text people to keep them informed . 2 . CAT scans are quick and pretty interesting . I kept my eyes closed during the procedure because I didn 't know if I should or not , but I wish I would have thought to ask if I could . I can get pretty geeky about medical things . 3 . I don 't have a tumor , an aneurism , a clot , or any other really scary brain problem . It was good to know , since two of my friends had mini - strokes in the past month and my grandpa died of a brain tumor when he was about my age now . But it looks like my family will have to put up with me for quite awhile . Sorry , teens , you can 't get rid of me yet ! The other night I had a dream I was at a party with Octavia Spencer , who was trying to get me to dance in front of everyone while the DJ played Play That Funky Music . I didn 't think that in a few days I would be in a funk . But I am . It hasn 't taken much to get me to tear up the past couple of days . It wouldn 't surprise me if it is just one of the postdrome symptoms of a migraine . I normally am not one to be so groggy and depressed . I didn 't even want to go to the beach with the family and a couple of Mr . I 's friends . Ms . D didn 't want to go either , so we stayed home and tried to spend some quiet time together . I think it helped . I doubt if she 'll stop lying , but it 's more important to keep the relationship going well . Hopefully we can get to a place of healing . I knew I just wasn 't feeling right when the littlest things would send the tears falling down my face , like when I found out that I might not get fresh strawberries . When I got the text that the family passed by a farm stand on the way home , I was sad . It was also frightening that such a minor thing could be so emotional for me ! Then when they brought home some strawberries and cherries , I cried again , because they remembered . I told Hubby how emotional I 've been since the headache , and he did the sweetest thing . He got me some roses . He 's been so kind . Later tonight we both went on the roof to see the conjunction of Venus , Mercury , and Jupiter . As an added treat , the girl next door was practicing her violin with the window open . So Hubby and I got to sit on the roof , watch the stars planets , and listen to beautiful music . It 's kind of nice to live next to kids with a Tiger Mom . Even though I feel pretty emotional right now , I know that this will pass . There is hope for the future . And even though I may be pretty fearful for Ms . D 's choices and actions lately , I know that there will be good days ahead . Life is good , even with a few bumps in the road . Because of the kid drama and headache , I didn 't get a chance to tell you about one of my sisters ' visit the other day . She and her husband come to town a few times a year . The kids love to spend time with them ! We had pizza at our usual place . The whole family was able to be there ! It 's hard to get everyone together , but we did it ! Hubby and I came late because of the refi signing . When we got there , Ms . D , Mr . I , and his friend were sitting apart from the rest of the family . It fit with the way they 've been pushing the family away lately . But I chose to ignore that snub , and my sister 's husband sat with the kids . He is so good with them . They love their Uncle P , even though they don 't like Hubby and me so much right now . After we ate , my sister , Blackbelt Daughter , her boyfriend , and I went to a coffee shop for some tea while the rest of the family went bowling . They had a great time , especially with Uncle P ! I had a good time talking about college and graphic art , well more like listening to the others talk about art , since my sister and Blackbelt Daughter 's boyfriend are both graphic artists . It was completely different than my world of kids and FASD drama . It was a good to hear about a world that doesn 't include troubled teens , even for an hour or so . We were supposed to meet Xander this afternoon , which ended up not happening because he had " car trouble . " I was worrying about the meeting , worrying about Ms . D 's future , worrying about how I was to parent a child that could lie to me for months . I realized that there was no way I could keep a teenager safe that had it in her mind to do what she wanted , regardless of the implications of her decisions . Add to it the difficult behaviors of the kids lately and other minor things that added up , and I became ripe for a meltdown . I just couldn 't hold it together with a smile any longer . from the bickering of the youngest two kids . It was then that I felt the first signs of a headache , eye weirdness , my brain felt foggy and I couldn 't remember names of things , and one of my eyes dilated more than the other . I had hoped that a good night 's sleep would stop it , but it was not to be . Most of my migraines aren 't that painful , but this one is . Hubby and I warned the kids this morning that I was hurting and to be nice . But during our dog walking when Hubby wasn 't around , the kids wouldn 't stop bickering , even after I told them that it made my headache worse . It went downhill from there . I took Ms . D for a ride in the car and yelled at her . It didn 't do any good for our relationship and made me , well both of us , feel even worse . It 's not going to stop her from lying . It won 't change her behavior . I knew it , yet I carried on , cried , and carried on some more anyway . Fortunately , Black Belt Daughter was home to talk to her later . Hubby also was good at smoothing things over . I think , I hope , I didn 't mess things up too much between Ms . D and me . I retreated into my dark room , trying to recover . It 's been a rough day , the headache is still here , but we all survived . Some days that 's all I can do . Lately my inner life has been a bit stormy . The kids have been acting up . I don 't know what is bugging Mr . I , but he 's been pretty bossy and tries to order me around . Ms . D has been hiding things from us the past year , which hasn 't been very good for attachment . Last night she even accused Hubby of yelling at her last Friday in front of her friend and her parents . He was shocked that she would say that , since he had been so happy that she told him that she would be more open with us . This false accusation brought up in my heart other times of being falsely accused . . . . . . And it reminded me of the time one of our pastors falsely accused us of some pretty awful things . Later I learned about spiritual abuse and it became clearer that we were just caught up in a pretty dysfunctional church when we first moved to California . Even after over twelve years , I still have difficulty healing from that mess , especially since we 've been focusing so hard on our adopted kids for the past ten of those years . Added to those things , the terrible tornado in Moore , OK a couple of days ago has opened some past fears . I had been in a car close to a deadly tornado when I was a child . I still got panic attacks when I heard about tornadoes up to a few years ago . After that I watched a lot of videos to lessen the effect . I don 't get panic attacks anymore , but I still feel uneasy . A sign of how much it disturbed me was Monday , when I first heard of the tornado , I made a mistake in scheduling and came to a homeschool meeting nearly an hour late . I was in some kind of a fog and didn 't think to make sure I wrote down the right time . We also have minor things that add to the stress . I had to tutor last night when I was planning to clean our house for today . We are finally signing for a refi at our house tonight , which will help us financially . And my sister and her husband are also coming over for a visit . Tonight was the only day this week that worked for everyone in the family . No one wants to miss them ! We are puppy trading for a few days . Brewster is at another home and we have Culliver until this afternoon . Culliver is so sweet , but he is younger than Brewster , which requires more work . Because Ms . D has been so out of it lately , more of the dog care has fallen on me . All this is making for busy days . I finally figured out why Ms . D was sleeping so much this past year . It wasn 't because she was ill . It wasn 't because of the seizures . It wasn 't because of brain changes because of FASD . I woke up , not because I could hear her , but because of bad stomach pains . As I tried to get back to sleep , I noticed the hall light on . It was when I got up and quietly turned it off , that I heard the soft murmuring in her room . At first I was afraid that Xander was there , but it was only Ms . D and the puppy that we are taking care of for a few days . I turned off her light , told her to stop talking because she needed her sleep , and quietly stayed outside her door for an hour to make sure she wouldn 't start up again . Ms . D might think that I thought she was talking late at night to the puppy . She may not have noticed that Hubby took her iPod off the internet this morning . It will be interesting to see if she will confess first , or if we have to draw it out of her . The deception has to stop , one way or another . It 's not good for her , Mr . I , or for our family . This morning Hubby 's moving around before six woke the new dog . Ms . D had to get up and care for the puppy . Before this , I had tried to be sensitive to give her enough sleep in the morning because I thought her sleep problems had a physical cause . Now that I know she was sneaking in late night conversations , I won 't be so accommodating . I just wish it didn 't take me nearly a year to figure it all out . Yesterday we had a scare with Ms . D . We caught her in a lie , which isn 't unexpected . My kids have often lied , sometimes over the most insignificant things . But this lie concerned her relationship with the " seventeen year old boy who has a nice car , lives on his own , and doesn 't go to high school , " that Hubby and I have never met . Yes , he 's the one we suspect is the real person Ms . D was waiting for that night she snuck out and got caught by the police , that peeked into neighbors ' cars , and that Ms . D made out with on the side of the road . Ms . D is so afraid for us to know more about him or that she is somehow still in contact with him . I don 't know how she thought we 'd believe that she hasn 't seen him since before Easter , yet he somehow was able to give her a necklace for her birthday the other day . I thought it was odd that she cleaned her room until after we went to bed the other night . Wow ! This parenting a beautiful girl with FASD is pretty difficult ! The evening turned out well , though . Hubby took Ms . D with him late last night to pick up food to distribute to the needy . Ms . D , on her own , told Hubby that she was tired of hiding things from us and that she wanted to be more open . This is a big thing for her ! Ms . D normally doesn 't talk . She was trained from an early age to hold things in . We have been trying for years to get her to verbalize her feelings and to be able to process the difficulties in her life . Last night , she talked to Hubby about her disappointment that the birth family didn 't call her on her birthday . Birth Dad did text her , but she heard nothing from her birth mom and older siblings . She and Hubby also talked about keeping her safe , boys , being open and honest with us , and other topics . If she continues to be able to express herself verbally , she may be able to heal some more . I hope that she will be able to open up and not hold everything in . And maybe she will let us meet the mystery boy . There had been fires or rain the past four days , so this is the first time I was able to hang out some laundry all week . But while pinning up the clothes , I was annoyed by the rubber bands that Ms . D uses to tighten her shirts in the back . To me , it looks tacky , slutty , and shows her immaturity . But she doesn 't listen to me , and does it when I 'm not looking or noticing . It 's one of those things , like hiking up skirts , that Catholic girls do the minute they leave the house . I don 't expect her to wear baggy clothes , but I would like her to look more polished . The rubber band thing just doesn 't convey a good message in my eyes . I 've tried just about everything I can think of to get Ms . D to stop , but she continues to do it . But as I removed the second rubber band , I thought of something that just might work . I should use rubber bands on some of my shirts ! Most shirts aren 't very flattering on me anyway . If I get shirts that fit my bust , I look much heavier than I really am . The shoulders and waist are much too big for my frame . I either have to alter the shirts , or find some that stretch in the right places . Using a rubber band for awhile to tighten the waist area might help me to look a bit slimmer . Happy Birthday ! Even though she 's given us a few scares the past few years , she is still doing much better than her birth family at this age . Her friend , Ms . M , gave her some flowers , some brownies , and cards from her and her little brother and left them at the doorstep on the way to school . I gave Ms . D some money so she and Mr . I could go to the mall while I helped their sister get her car fixed nearby . It was a stretch for me to let them go by themselves , but I figured Mr . I would keep an eye on his sister . He did , but also begged for me to buy him some shoes . Whose birthday is it anyway ? Later we went out to eat with her friend . It was hard to get a picture of Ms . D . She 's at that age when we have more pictures of her hand or in a blur than not . But we all had fun , especially when her friend asked the waiters to sing the birthday song to Ms . D . Oh , it 's so fun to embarrass a teenager ! Today was Ms . D 's day to be dysregulated and prickly . " Stop looking at me ! Get away from me ! Don 't touch me ! I 'm hungry ! I 'm not hungry ! There 's nothing good to eat at our house ! Stop smiling ! You 'll make me smile . " Yes , these were the sweet sounds that reached my ears as soon as she woke up and continued throughout the morning . I wasn 't the only recipient of her lashing out . Mr . I was picked on until he fought back , resulting in more yelling . Even the poor dog received some negativity . You know something is up when Ms . D snaps at the dog too ! So we left Mr . I at home and walked . We walked the dogs . We walked to the stores . And after the first ten minutes of walking , we talked about girl things . The walking and talking helped my hormonal girl . I 'm so glad that Mr . I was regulated enough to leave him home alone . It would have been difficult to handle both kids at once . Living with a child , or two children , who get dysregulated from time to time can be very taxing . I 've come to learn the dysregulation comes in waves . There is a slow but steady buildup period . The kids get increasingly moody , edgy , unattached , or bossy . I hold my breath waiting for the emotions to crash , and then it all hits the fan . Finally , their moods level out and they are happy and loving again . The cycle then repeats , especially with changes in schedule or holidays . Yesterday was Mothers Day , so it doesn 't surprise me that there was another dysregulation cycle . It slowly built up after our vacation . There were triggers . I wasn 't feeling well for about a week after we returned . We started school up in full force . Hubby had changes to his work schedule . Then came the holiday that triggers all sorts of emotions in adopted kids , the dreaded Mothers Day . You could just feel the emotional energy build . I expected a full blown meltdown yesterday , but we downplayed the holiday . It wasn 't without incident . Mr . I complained most of the day about a bump in the head he got Saturday . He said it was bad enough to go to the emergency room , but not bad enough for ice , ibuprofen , or prayer . I was hoping that was as far as the dysregulation would go , that we could avoid a crash , and that Mr . I would have peace . But it wasn 't to be . Today Mr . I awoke on the wrong side of the bed . He didn 't want to eat , but was hungry . He was hot and wanted the air conditioner on , but I wouldn 't comply because it wasn 't even eighty degrees yet . He wanted me to withdraw money from his bank account now , and couldn 't wait until I had a car later in the day . He didn 't want to do his schoolwork , and pushed back or lied to get out of the least amount of work . He fussed about everything he could think of . Finally , I snapped and yelled at him . I started to clean the kitchen so I would release some of the energy , but I broke a drawer because I pulled too hard on it . Our cabinets are over thirty years old and are made of particle board , so it didn 't take much to break the drawer . But it was pretty impressive when the silverware came crashing down . I was crying . I was a mess . Mr . I was a mess . Ms . D laughed at us in her bedroom . I did not do what I was supposed to do . A good , therapeutic parent would find a way to playfully and lovingly bring down the heated emotions and restore peace and harmony into the home . I did the opposite . You 'd think that Mr . I would be worse after we both had a meltdown . I sure do , and feel so awful that I got to that point . What amazed me is that afterwards he became even more connected to me than he had in awhile . He helped me fix the drawer . We apologized to each other . He had a smile on his face and asked me politely to make him some food . We talked later about how we all make mistakes and we can recover from them . It was weird . All that pent up energy was diffused , and we were able to restore our relationship . Unfortunately this time , the crisis was between Mr . I and me . Other times it is with Ms . D and her brother , with a family member or friend , or just a solo dysregulated trip . There definitely is a pattern , though . The buildup , crisis , and resolution is pretty predictable . I hope to help the kids to be able to learn to recover without the crisis someday . It would be a lot easier for all of us ! No , tomorrow may be difficult because two of my children have another mother , one that their heart longs to be near , yet one that for whatever reason isn 't in contact with them . Mothers day is not only a holiday that takes the attention off themselves , which would be difficult enough , but it is a reminder that they are not with their first mother , the one that gave them birth . Mothers Day is a day of pain , of heartache , of loss . For that reason , I try to downplay Mothers Day . I 'd much rather have a peaceful day , than one that triggers a meltdown or some other kind of acting out . So when Mr . I asked if he could go to a friend 's grandma 's house tomorrow , my friend thought it strange that he would want do that instead of doing something for me . I think she was surprised that he didn 't have any plans with our family and it was like any other Sunday to him . I think it makes perfect sense , and might just allow me a bit of a rest . I 'd rather not fight the Mothers day crowds anyway . I 've been trying to figure out why I 've been in such a funk since we got back from vacation . I 've been frustrated by my bad attitude , the way I 've interpreted situations and people 's behaviors in a negative light , and have felt so inadequate to accomplish things that are not normally difficult . It 's been a struggle to be positive , which isn 't typical for me . Physically , we have had challenges . We 've had a virus go through the house , making us very tired , have sore throats , and have mild aches and pains . That alone could affect my mood . My shoulder has been hurting me since the camping trip . Low level pain is wearing . Allergies , headaches , and asthma have been annoying . I also had to take a family member to the urgent care clinic for a bee sting on a finger with a ring , bringing up memories of last year 's visits to the hospital . There were other challenges too . I resigned last week from co - leading our homeschool support group before we got a new leader . God provided a leader , but not until after I resigned . It was a blessing , but at the same time , it is a loss . My relationship with some of the woman will change . I feel as if I let some of them down . There are other challenges before me , some big and some small . The anticipation is almost worse than going through them . The kids have had a difficult time reentering the school schedule . While there has been a breakthrough with Ms . D understanding what a variable is in pre - aglebra , that has been the only real high point of school the past two weeks . Mr . I has been fighting so hard to disrupt schoolwork , I am wondering if homeschooling a child with an attachment disorder and FASD is really a good idea . It has taken a lot of self control to not blow up in the face of lying , ordering about , and not doing even the simplest of tasks . I found out that one relative moved to New Mexico right after we visited Arizona . I wish I could have known and visited while we were on vacation . Another relative had a health scare , and I wish I could have been near . And then many of my friends have been having major tragedies in their lives . One found out she had stage four cancer just weeks after she told me she was cancer free after five years . Her husband lost his father the day after she found the news . Another friend lost her second daughter , and another a brother . Other friends lost people they loved in tragic accidents . And still others are visiting loved ones in hospitals . Their problems far eclipse mine . I pray for them , yet I 'm not very good at praying and letting God handle the rest . My heart breaks for the losses that so many people I love are experiencing . - I tell myself that things will get better . God is in control . He 's helped me get through worse times before . I am not alone . Today I felt a bit lonely after remembering a few instances that have been isolating because of people with special needs in our home . A few of the things have happened years ago , but others are fresh and are still sore . After feeling sad for awhile , I called a friend who understands , a friend who also experiences the same kind of hurts . Sometimes the distancing is obvious . People say things that are hurtful . They treat our children as if the child would change their bad behavior if they were disciplined right or we were better parents . People don 't understand that someone who talks too much , or who swears , or who scowls at others may be doing their best to cope in a social situation . They then give advice that my be good for the average child , yet doesn 't work for mine , sometimes right in front of the kids . Do they really think I 've never told my kids how to smile in greeting , how to interrupt a conversation , or talk politely to adults ? They make it pretty obvious that they don 't want our children to " infect " their children with unpleasant behaviors . This makes sense for kids who are young , but like my friend said , " I doubt if their teenagers will hear anything new from your kids that they haven 't already heard in youth group . " Other times the distancing is more subtle . People say they would love to get together , yet they are too busy right now . They agree with us that we shouldn 't bring our children to certain events . Our kids have different interests . My kids wouldn 't enjoy being with other church kids . Things are said with a smile , in love . Then there are the looks of relief when I show up without the kids . Sometimes I wonder if I am making it up , but then realize that no , they really don 't want our kids around theirs . Of course , sometimes I isolate myself . When our kids were swearing like truckers when they came to our home , I made sure they didn 't go to Sunday school with other three and four year olds . When my kids are dysregulated , we don 't go places because they need a quiet environment to calm themselves . I try not to commit to certain events because I need the flexibility to stay home if my children are having a bad day . Other times I 'm just to tired , or I don 't really believe people want to be with us . Thankfully , I do have friends who truly understand our family . They don 't want us to be isolated . They love my kids . They even invite our kids into their homes ! Too bad most of those families aren 't Christians , though I 'm thankful a few are . Isolation is such a drain on a family with special needs , so I 'm thankful for friends who don 't let that happen . One of our goals in raising our kids is to develop flexibility . Planning is awesome , but life has a way of throwing a few curve balls . Things don 't always go as planned . This can be a challenge for kids who have come from places of abuse or neglect . I don 't know if it is because there is a lower level of trust that their needs will be met by us parents , or if they just expect bad things to happen to them , but they are easily derailed when circumstances change . Small changes in their schedule can seem much bigger in their eyes , and a tiny setback can result in a child having a meltdown . Our trip to Arizona was a chance for us to develop more flexibility in Ms . D and Mr . I . We tried to make a balance of exposing them to new situations , yet let them know they were cared for . We gave them some choices , like whether to visit Birth Dad or not , or what to eat for dinner . We tried to keep them comfortable by meeting their needs . But we didn 't let them control the trip . We gave them general plans , like going to the Grand Canyon , but we didn 't tell them everything . Although they would have loved for us to turn around and go back home after the first day , we didn 't give into their pleas . Hubby and I tried to gently stretch the kids beyond their comfort zone . It was a lesson in flexibility and a lesson in trust . It took a bit longer to arrive than we expected and we just missed the last camping spot . A woman walked to the site while we were driving around the circle . Instead of getting upset in front of the kids , we expressed our disappointment in missing the last campsite by seconds , yet voiced the good things we could see . The park was beautiful ! We will have to visit it again , just not late on a Friday afternoon . We were able to drive through Las Vegas right at sundown , so Ms . D could see the lights of the city . After nearly a week in the desert , she was longing for some sparkle . She got it ! And finally , we asked the kids if we should try to find a campground nearby or go to the first campground of the trip at Rainbow Basin . They chose Rainbow Basin because it was familiar . Even though we pulled into our campsite after ten , it took less than twenty minutes for us to settle in , because everyone knew what to expect . It also helped us to camp closer to home , within a seven or eight hour drive . 6 . When plans were changed beyond our control , we verbalized the good things that came out of the change . We made sure the kids knew that even though a change might seem bad , there are usually good things that are there , if only we look for them . Mr . I asked for some teriyaki wings when I was about to leave for the store . I told him , " Yes , but you need to eat the whole thing . " I thought I was telling him to eat all the meat off the bones . He thought I meant for him to eat all the teriyaki wings and leave nothing for anyone else . I have to be more careful how I word things . Posted by Ms . D wasn 't too happy about going to Arizona . Much of the time , she was grumbling about wanting to go home . But I could see glimpses of interest when she would bring out her camera , or hear a little gasp as she saw the Grand Canyon for the first time . I asked Ms . D to send me her favorite pictures from our trip . By looking at what she sent me , I can see what she thought was beautiful or interesting without her having to verbally express herself . With these pictures , I can better see through her eyes . I saw the Grand Canyon for the first time last week . It really is more awesome in person ! I had tears in my eyes . Even Ms . D , who was trying to not act impressed , let a little gasp out and took pictures ! We had a little slushy hail that kept the dust down . I expected the weather to lower people 's spirits , but it was like a party ! People were congratulating each other on how far they hiked , asked where they were from , and were so pleasant . I stopped and listened to the sounds , and I could hear laughter and happy greetings down the trail . We met a group of people from Canada and Thailand . They taught us a Thai greeting . The next day , we saw them at an overlook ! We learned that they were from the Hmong people , the same group our church had helped teach English to over thirty years ago ! We also met a friend from San Jose ! We had heard she was somewhere near us , but the Grand Canyon is a pretty big place . Our chances of finding each other were slim , since we didn 't have each other 's phone numbers . I am a woman who is trying her best to follow Jesus in the midst of being a wife , a mom of six , two by adoption through foster care , and grandma . I 've called myself Mommy Linda since the two youngest came into our lives and found themselves with two mamas , one who brought them into the world , and one who has the terrifying , yet awesome responsibility of raising them . I used to homeschool the two youngest kiddos , but now that we moved , they are in school . Once I unpack all the boxes and work on the house , I 'll have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up . I love to be creative and make things that last more than a few hours . I am married to an awesome man who is a super alpha geek , which I am most definitely not ! Our lifestyle has changed from city life in California to living in a small island community in the Northwest . Life is an adventure , and writing helps me to put it all into perspective . |
I would like to dedicate this book to my wonderful children , without whose support I couldn 't have done this . They are the light of my life . I would also like to dedicate it to my forever love , Ron . He gave me the space and love I needed to complete this project . He is always there for me . He is my rock . After walking down to the water 's edge , Willa cupped her hand in the fast flowing water to get a drink . Since she was at the headwaters of the Sacramento River , she felt it was safe enough to drink without her filtering water bottle . She stood up and looked around her . This was a truly pristine area she had chosen for a backpacking trip . It was early spring , and there was a light sprinkling of snow on the ground , but the weather forecast called for warm temperatures , possibly even hitting the 60s the next day . The trees around her already had tiny buds on them , ready to shoot out new growth . The grassy field she had just passed had hundreds of tiny wildflowers in bloom . Willa looked up at the mountains around her . They were capped in white , and there was a soft lenticular cloud off to the side of the top of Mt . Shasta . It was beginning to get a pinkish glow to it as the sun went down . It was getting late . Time to set up camp . She turned towards the meadow and walked over to a copse of evergreen trees , stunted because of the high altitude . This , she thought , would make a nice place to put her small tent . After slinging her heavy backpack to the ground , Willa began the routine setup of her camp . She started by collecting twigs and fallen wood for a fire . There were some rocks to make a circle around it . As she built the fire , tears stung her eyes as she thought of her son , Nick , who had lost his life two years before as he rode his bike into the path of a drunk driver . She let the tears come this time . It was one of the reasons she liked to come all the way out here into the deep woods . Nobody to judge her here , or offer sympathy . She could just be alone with her pain . Willa heard a twig snap and turned her head in the direction of the sound . A mother deer and two large fawns had come down to the stream to drink . She wondered if they 'd noticed her . She sat down where she was and watched them . The smallest one lifted up its head as if testing the air . Its body quivered . The threesome moved on down the bank , away from where Willa sat , almost as if they sensed it wasn 't safe there . Maybe they smelled her human scent . Or maybe it was just their highly tuned defense system telling them that they needed to keep moving to stay alive . Whichever it was , it made Willa sadder because the deer could only see her kind as an enemy . She 'd have liked nothing more than to have gone right up to the deer and hold one around the neck . To let her tears fall on its soft fur until no more tears would come . How she missed her son . His crooked smile with teeth missing . His dark brown hair so soft like his dad 's . Willa let the feelings flow . She and Jake couldn 't stay together after what had happened . Something had broken between the two of them . They lasted almost a year after the tragedy of losing their only child . They stopped making love almost right away . It just didn 't feel right to enjoy each other anymore when they were in such pain . Jake started sleeping in the den and worked until he could barely stand up . Willa had more time on her hands with her part time job at a day care for elderly folks . Jake still worked at the ad agency in the city . Willa felt sorry for him because she knew he was trying to work off the pain rather than deal with it . They still spoke from time to time , but never for long . It was more a touching of bases than anything else , really . The love was gone from between them . Love was something stunted and half - dead to her now . It was from a different world ; a world before her precious son had been taken away . Willa realized something in that moment . She saw herself as a waxen statue , only existing until her time in this life came to an end . The tears were dry now . She felt as cold as the snow on the mountains inside . The moment was held for eternity in her heart and mind and soul . Sitting there for a while longer , Willa came to life once more as the cold infiltrated her clothes . She needed to set up the tent and tend to the fire if she wanted to survive the night . She thought that living another day was okay . She could do that much . So she collected her tent and the stakes , and set up . Then she rolled an old log up into the fire and fed it until it warmed her . After heating up some water for her instant food pack and a cup of coffee , she ate and drank , almost mechanically . Then she got into her sleeping bag and looked for the way to sleep , but couldn 't find it at first . It finally found her and she began to dream . The sound was deafening . Willa jumped up and out of her sleeping bag . Her heart was racing like a stallion 's . She had no idea what the sound was that woke her , except that it was something big . Could it have been a bear ? That made the most sense , but didn 't quiet her heart . In fact , if it were a bear , she was in trouble . Big trouble . She didn 't carry any weapons and felt completely defenseless . She waited a moment to see if she could hear anything else . Then there was a whoosh ! And a roaring sound . Fire ? It took every ounce of courage to get herself to move . But move she did . She threw on her boots and jacket . Standing up from her crouched position on the tent floor , she reached for the door zipper and slowly unzipped it . She pulled back the flap ever so slowly and peeked her head out into the darkness . To the south she saw a soft glow beyond some deer brush . Inching her body further out of the tent , she tentatively made her way over to the outcropping near to where she had set up camp where she could see better . Yes , it was a fire . But it was only in one spot . Then she heard a cry as if someone were in pain . Willa stumbled back to the tent to grab her flashlight . Investigating the scene seemed like a really bad idea , but how could she leave someone who might be in need of help ? By the time she came back to the spot outside , the glowing fire was almost gone . Willa flicked on her flashlight and headed for what was now just a low glare . Sticks and pine cones crunched under her feet . Other than that there was only silence surrounding her . Then she heard the cry again . Hurrying now , she pushed herself through some thicker brush that she guessed was Manzanita since it was so tightly grown together . Finally , Willa broke free and came into a clearing and saw a wondrous sight . It was a small pod that looked like some kind of airplane without wings that had seemingly crashed into the ground . Smoke arose from it , but parts of it were still on fire . She couldn 't take her eyes off of it . She was mesmerized . Then she heard a low groan to the left of the strange looking plane . Her eyes turned towards the sight of a young man , about her age , lying on the ground and in obvious pain . He was trying to sit up , but kept falling back down again . " It looks bad . Let me go get my first - aid kit from camp . I 'll be right back , " she assured him . She began to turn away to go , but he held her arm with his good one . Willa felt a strange sensation crawl up her arm . It felt like electricity . " Thanks , " he said . " I appreciate it very much . " And he let go of her . She stared into his eyes a moment longer , then took off . The excitement she felt inside her was giving her an incredible energy rush . Willa quickly made her way back to her tent and retrieved her high tech deep woods first - aid kit , which even contained sutures should the need arise . She threw the pack over her shoulder and returned to the crash site . The man was still lying on the ground , moaning . She sat on the ground to his left and asked him if he could pull up his sleeve so she could get a better look . He tried , but cried out . She went for the scissors in her kit and began to cut away the cloth . He grimaced . What she saw shocked her . She had expected red blood to be coming from the wound . Instead , it was the color of an orange . She sat back on her heels . " Look , " he said , " I 'm not from around here . I should tell you that Earth is not my home . I come from another planet . I promise , though , I would never hurt you . " Willa blinked at him . What was he talking about ? This person sitting next to her in agony was an alien ? It couldn 't be true . He reached out and touched her arm . She flinched . " My name is Paul . Or at least here it is . I 'll understand if you want to run the other way right now and not help me , but I 'm really in trouble here . " Willa started to come back into herself . She felt a deep sympathy for this person . It began to surpass her fears about the frightening situation she found herself in . She dug into her kit for burn dressings and came up with several that were marked . Cautiously cutting the rest of Paul 's sleeve off , she placed the pieces of saturated cloth over his burns . Although she was trembling , she did a neat job of it . Next she went to his leg and cut away the burned cloth . Some of it stuck to his skin , so she used the saline solution in the kit to moisten it and pried it off . Paul tried to stay quiet , but he almost passed out from the pain . His eyes closed . Willa was able to get past the color of Paul 's blood , and take care of his wounds . She had taken some first - aid classes in college for her job at the day care , so she knew what she was doing . When she was finished she put everything away and stowed the garbage in a bag . Her hands stopped their shaking , and she washed them off with sanitizer . What was she supposed to do next ? Willa reached for his right arm to help him up . He cried out . This wasn 't going to be easy . She thought of running away from the scene and never looking back . What was she supposed to do in this strange situation ? Willa could feel the strength of his muscles as she helped pull him to his feet . His left leg was obviously in a lot of pain . He probably needed antibiotics for burns like these , she thought . Unfortunately , none came with her kit . Paul put his arm around her shoulder and dragged his left leg as they slowly managed to get through the tangled undergrowth and back to her camp . It took a while , but they finally made it . Willa helped him get into her sleeping bag , and the shivering lessened . " You are a very kind person , " Paul said as he looked up into her eyes . She looked away . His stare was intense . He had deep blue eyes that seemed to know her . Not knowing where to start , Willa couldn 't think of what to say . What do you say to an alien being who just crashed to Earth ? Speechless , she just stared at the ground near her feet . " I come from a planet a lot like this one . It 's called Panterra in your language . It has plants and animals and water , too . We 're very low on carbon , though , so we come here to extract it . " Willa thought this over . It seemed reasonable . So he wasn 't here to do experiments on humans or anything like that . Good . That was a relief . Of course he could be lying . But his eyes seemed so truthful . She wanted to believe him . She needed to believe him . " Are you sure ? I 'm healing quickly you know . Ten times faster than you would . I don 't want you to feel you 're in any danger from me . " Paul held out his good hand and offered it to her . " Nice to meet you , Willa . Very nice indeed . " They shook hands , and Willa felt that electric feeling she had felt from before when she had touched his bare skin . It reminded her of when she was a kid when her cousin Rosie had dared her to put her tongue on the tip of a battery . The difference here was that she felt it through her whole body . It wasn 't an unpleasant feeling at all . In fact , it felt rather nice . " You just need to rest , " she said . " I 'll be right outside by the fire if you need me . " With that , she grabbed her extra blanket and went outside to tend to the fire . Then she curled up next to it and closed her eyes . Sleep wasn 't soon in coming , however . How could it when a real live space man was only a few feet away with who knew what intentions ? Her heart sped up with every new thought or possibility that entered her head . Her imagination began to run wild . Finally , she must have worn herself out because the next thing she knew , the sun was shining on her closed eyes . Willa looked at her watch . It was 7 : 30 . Her head was clouded with sleep . She thought she had had a dream last night , but she couldn 't quite get the memory of it to come into her mind . Then she remembered the crash . It startled her at first , and she felt afraid . She got up abruptly and went to the tent to see if it was true . There he was , sleeping peacefully . She could hardly believe it . So it wasn 't a dream . Her heart beat so fast she felt hot flashes flow through her chest . How could this be real ? Willa had always believed there must be other beings like humans on other planets . But that was just a theory . Now that she was faced with the fact that it was true , she couldn 't seem to digest it . Yet here he was ; a real - life alien being . As she stared down at him , he slowly opened his eyes , those way too deep blue eyes of his . He smiled up at her . Paul pulled back the sleeping bag and began to peel away the dressing on his arm . She knelt down beside him , quickly telling him not to do that . " You still need to keep that on , " she said . Willa couldn 't believe what she saw . What had probably been the worst third - degree burns she had ever seen were now a soft pinkish glow on his skin . Paul unzipped the sleeping bag all the way down and removed the dressings from his leg . It looked the same . It was still pinkish and had no hair where he 'd been burned , but it was healed . He got up from the ground and stood tall beside her . " Now let 's go assess the damage to my craft . " And he was off . Willa thought twice about following him before she finally left the tent . He seemed to know where he was going , which she thought a bit strange because of the condition he had been in the night before . His clothing looked ragged where the fire had gotten to it and she felt a string pull at her heart . They arrived at the scene of the crash . Paul looked it over , then began pulling away large pieces of a metal Willa didn 't think she 'd ever seen before . It was seamless for one thing . For another it had a dull sheen that didn 't reflect the now rising sun . It seemed as if it absorbed the light instead . Paul finished his inspection of the craft . " Well , I guess I won 't be going anywhere soon , " he said sadly . " My ship is destroyed . I 'm lucky I lived through the crash . " " I 'm not exactly sure . The communications are out . There is a place on the coast where I can meet up with a contact , but I don 't know how I 'll be able to get there without transportation . " Paul looked at Willa with those eyes of his . " You wouldn 't want to give me a ride , would you ? " " I don 't know about that , " she said . " I have a lot to do . " A lie . But what did he expect from her ? For her to skip out on her life and go on a road trip with him ? True , it was only a few hours to the coast , but still . Paul 's face brightened . And when he smiled , she felt that electricity go through her again . He was the most handsome man she had ever met . He was almost beautiful . She stared at him too long until he said , " What ? " She looked away , embarrassed . They went back to her campsite and Willa began packing up . She had wanted to stay in the wilderness for a few more days . She needed it . But now things had changed . Oh , how they had changed ! Paul helped her break down the tent and insisted on carrying it back down the long trail to her car . Willa carried her backpack . She shared her water bottle with Paul on the way down . " Oh yes . Many times . Usually with my father or mother . They 're going to be worried about me . The sooner I can get to the contact the better . " Why she said it she didn 't know . All she knew was that she wanted to spend more time with this strange visitor to Earth . She felt as if she had to learn everything about him . He was unique . Somehow he pulled her out of her depression about her son , Nick . She felt needed by someone for once . Of course the old people at the adult daycare had needed her , but somehow this was different ; more personal . She decided she would do this thing . Willa and Paul were on the road by noon . They drove down the narrow and curving mountain roads until they reached her house . It was right on the river and surrounded by forest . Willa lived on five - hundred pristine acres left to her by her beloved grandfather , James Goodman . And he had been a " good man " . He raised a large family doing carpentry work during the heydays of the many mills that had run practically non - stop during his life . Willa wondered what he would have thought if he 'd ever met someone from another planet . It seemed to come right out of one of the hundreds of stories he used to tell her and her cousins when they were growing up in these hills and mountains . They used to take big family camping trips up into the Marble Mountains way back when . Grampa always had a good one up his sleeve , it seemed . Come to think of it , there did seem to be the memory of a few UFO stories mixed in . The creatures he dreamed up didn 't seem to have much in common with Paul , though . Except for the color of his blood and his ability to heal quickly , he seemed just like anyone else . Grampa 's aliens were usually monstrous creatures that ate small children for a snack . They were here for no good reason but to terrify and control the world . Grampa told them the story of " The War of the Worlds " because he said when he was young they had thought it was really happening . They truly believed the Earth was under attack by evil space creatures . It was really only a fake radio show , but the announcer sounded very convincing as he relayed what was supposedly happening . People took their own lives the night of the broadcast . They caused huge traffic jams as they tried to flee the cities . Willa pondered this as she took the sharp curves back to her house . " It 's a long story , but the short version is that our son was killed by a drunk driver while he was on his bike . After that … things just were never the same between us . Jake left about six months ago . I think he 's just working himself to death now . I don 't really like talking about it if it 's okay with you . " " Oh . I forgot . They teach us all about Earth where I 'm from on Panterra , but I don 't remember anything about bikes . " He sat back looking quizzical . Willa looked down at her lap and smiled . " It 's a slow , short - legged creature that hates to be teased . But when you tease it , it turns all these beautiful colors , not unlike your peacocks here on Earth . You can 't imagine how incredible they look . " " Well , here we are , " said Willa . She tried to sound cheerful , but the truth was she felt uncomfortable letting this very strange stranger into her home . She lugged her backpack into the house while Paul grabbed the tent and a few other things . She struggled with her keys , dropped them twice , and was finally in the door . Paul followed quietly . He must have sensed her discomfort . He stood just inside the doorway with his arms full . " You can just put that stuff on the couch , " she told him . He obeyed immediately , apparently knowing what a couch was . It was difficult for Willa to realize that he knew so much more about her world than she did about his . She wondered what his native language sounded like . He had a slight accent of some sort . He did as she asked and looked thoughtful for a moment before asking , " What do you mean ' before the day is up ? ' Isn 't the day up already ? It certainly isn 't night yet . I 'm sorry , I don 't understand . " " No . It 's quite all right . I 'm still getting used to the way people talk here on Earth . The only way I can learn is by asking questions . " Opening Jake 's closet for the first time since he 'd left sent a cold shiver down her spine . She hadn 't expected to feel this way . He had not left much , but she found herself wondering why he 'd left anything at all . There were a few pair of undershorts , some T - shirts , a couple of very nice shirts and pants , and an old pair of blue jeans . She got a set of clothing for her extra - terrestrial guest , including the blue jeans , and stuffed the rest into the backpack . When she went back into the living room she found Paul looking at her paintings all over the walls . " That 's okay . I 'm sorry I yelled at you . It 's just that … I don 't know . I guess we are pretty uptight about things like that . " She smiled sheepishly at him . He smiled back at her with those beautiful eyes . She returned to the bedroom where she packed a few simple things . The backpack wasn 't even half full now . Making sure she grabbed an extra toothbrush for Paul , she swung the pack over her shoulder and returned to the living room . She had changed into a tank top and shorts . Her hair fell softly around her face . Paul stared at her until she broke the hold his eyes had on her . " It 's the blood I need , actually , " he said . " I don 't mean to frighten you , but that 's what I am . You might call me a vampire . " " I told you I would never hurt you , and I won 't . I never feed on humans . It 's against my religion . I 'm a rackonist . This means I 've taken some extremely solemn vows never to hunt human life forms . Do you think I 'm evil Willa ? " Willa ran for the door . She couldn 't help herself . Her fight or flight response was in full gear now . In an instant he was at her side , holding her arms so she couldn 't get free . His strength was immense . He whispered in her ear , " Please understand , Willa . Don 't be afraid . No harm will come to you . Now I 'm going to let your arms free . But you have to promise not to run . I could get in a lot of trouble just for telling you about myself . " " I was born this way . This is what we are on my planet . I should tell you , though , that there are some who choose to come here to hunt humans . They are the undesirables from Panterra . They crave human blood . But I was brought up on animals ' blood . It 's all I 've ever known . But I must feed soon . I 'm feeling weak . " " Okay . I 'll wait for you here . But don 't be long . We 've got to get going if we 're going to get to the coast today . " Truthfully , Willa couldn 't wait to be rid of this vampire alien now . " I 'll be quick . Thank you for being so understanding , Willa . " And he was out the back door it seemed as if in a flash of movement . She 'd never seen anyone move that fast . She tried to stay calm while he was gone , but the truth was she was terrified . How could she even stay on the winding twisty roads when she was shaking so much ? She only had a short time to think as he was back before she knew it . He was only gone for maybe ten minutes . She was afraid , but curious to ask him what he 'd caught . " There are plenty of ground squirrels out there , " he told her . " And a couple of fat crows . " He seemed embarrassed as he told her of his kills . Yet proud in a way , too . She locked the door to her little cabin in the woods and they put the gear in her car . They were on the road again by early afternoon . Luckily , and strangely , Willa 's shaking had stopped and she was able to maneuver easily down and around the steep curves that led to the coast . She was quiet , though and Paul asked her what she was thinking about . " What do you think I 'm thinking about ? ! This is crazy . Before last night my world was quiet and mundane . Now it 's completely out of control . I never even thought about a planet of vampires before in my life . Now I 'm sitting right next to a monster . " That hit Paul hard . " I 'm not a monster , Willa , " he said sadly . " I 'm nothing like what you are imagining me to be . I 've never hurt anyone in my life unless you count the play fights I had with my brother when we were little . Let me tell you some things about myself and maybe you won 't think of me that way anymore , okay ? " " I 'm sorry , Paul . I didn 't mean it that way . I don 't really think you 're a monster . It just came out that way . You 're just so strange to me . " " Well , maybe if you get to know me a little better you won 't be so intimidated by me and others like me . First of all , Panterra is about a third of the size of Earth and lies just inside the Milky Way Galaxy . We don 't have many trees and not much water compared to Earth . I grew up in the Mapot Mountains near the Sea of Donag . I have a great mother and father , a brother , and two sisters . I 'm the oldest , so when I turned 18 of your years I entered the Academy of Space Exploration . When I was a kid , all I ever wanted was to come to this planet called Earth that sounded like paradise to me . I read every book on it I could find . I loved looking at the pictures especially . It looked so different from Panterra . So exquisitely beautiful . My parents started taking us here on trips just so I could see my dream come true . Then , after I entered the Academy , I was sent here with others to study the planet and make sure we weren 't overusing its resources . Carbon is the main resource we take deep out of the ground . Water is another , but only from places not used by humans . Unfortunately there has been political unrest , and some of the Sayers are pushing to get more and more . They don 't have a large following , but there is a trend . I hope they won 't overthrow everything we 've achieved until now . We 've created a good balance . " But enough about all that stuff . I want you to get to know the real me most of all . I love the Earth and everything on it . Even the creatures I have to kill to feed on . I always say a prayer for the being I have killed to send it on to a better place . I honor each one 's spirit . I believe that each spirit is sacred , from the mouse to the jaguar , from the bird to the human . " Willa looked over at him . It sounded to her that he was similar in his beliefs to the American Indians . She knew because she had Cherokee blood from her father 's side . She had always felt a strong kinship with Native beliefs . Now she was hearing similar things from the mouth of a vampire . Things were getting stranger and stranger . She didn 't know what to think . " It was usually good , but sometimes hard . There wasn 't always enough food to go around . Grave robbers were common . Some of our people had themselves buried in impermeable crypts . I just want to be cremated , myself . I don 't want to think about maggots and Fradons eating me up bit by bit . " Willa made a face . Paul laughed . They drove along the winding , muddy Trinity River on highway 299 . Willa hadn 't eaten anything after having lost her appetite earlier back home , but now she was feeling some grumbling in her stomach . There was a small town up ahead not too far , so she decided to stop at this little sandwich shop they had there to get something to eat . It was called Sandy 's Eatery , and they had the best blended mochas in the county , as well as all sorts of organic sandwiches . " I think I 'll come in also , " he said . " I enjoy being around your people . And don 't worry , I know how to behave . " He said this with a slight twinkle in his eye . They got out of the car and went into the restaurant . Paul was looking at everything very curiously . Willa wondered if he 'd ever been inside a restaurant before . He certainly wasn 't acting as though he had . The waitress told them to sit wherever they liked , and Paul made a beeline for a booth near the window . Willa followed . They got their menus , but Willa knew what she wanted and ordered . " I actually haven 't had much interaction with your people until recently . I 've always come here with my parents and stayed in the woods or the desert . This is my first solo trip , as a matter of fact . And now look what 's happened . I hope my parents aren 't too worried . I should have contacted them yesterday . " " I 'm sorry , sir , but you 'll have to keep your voice down please . We have a very small variety of food . I 'm sure if you don 't like it you can go over to the pizza place across the street and find something you 'd like , " said the waitress . But the trucker had just seemed to get started with her . He was obviously drunk . " I just want me a nice beer and a meat loaf . Is that so much to ask , sweetheart ? " He went to grab her wrist . Paul was out of his seat like a flash of lightning . Willa could barely see him as he jumped between the trucker and the waitress . He took the man 's hand off of hers and twisted it until the trucker was on his knees . " Hey ! What the fuck ? ! " The trucker looked up into Paul 's eyes and sat there mesmerized . Paul just held his arm and stared at the trucker . The waitress called for somebody named Jack from somewhere in the back . Slowly Paul let go of the guy 's arm , and he fell to the floor in a daze . The other trucker stood up then and grabbed Paul from behind . He grabbed him around the neck with his arm . " You shouldn 't have done that to my friend , " he said evenly . " But for that you will pay dearly , my friend . " Willa realized she was holding her breath . She got up and started to go help Paul somehow , and the guy named Jack was coming around the counter to subdue the situation . But before either of them could even decide how to fix things , Paul twisted out of the choke hold the trucker had on him and rounded around with his leg to deliver a swift kick to his jaw . Then he put his finger to the guy 's forehead and he , too , fell to the floor . Paul straightened out his shirt and wiped his hands on his pants . He hadn 't even broken a sweat . Willa looked at the waitress and told her , " I 'll take my food to go , please . " Sigmund Freud did not know Marie when he wrote the seminal work above . In neat , logical compartments , the master traced the lives of hysterics and gave us unconscious truths realized . Then came Julie Achterhoff with a futuristic vision as intense as Existenze . While reality holds the key to survival , the earth is too unsettled and the dangers too real . There is no separation from the waking and the real in this video game drama for high stakes . Deadly Lucidity is the closest we can get to the sheer terror of our uncertain footsteps . Sometimes , when we cross the streets , do we not wonder whether , despite our most rational intentions , that we may not make it to the other side ? It is not a sudden auto that may smash our lives and our dreams away . Perhaps it only a breath , a voice in the wind that paralyzes our steps ? A waking dream or a dream awake , Ms . Acterhoff has wrestled with the nightmares Herr Freud more easily imagined . She has taken the terror of the unconscious , brought it to light , to give us greater capacity for horror than we ever want to comfortably imagine , and with heroes like Murphy , himself a mystery , and gremlins and goblins of would be evil men lurking , brought us out of our hot air balloon for a landing safe and worth taking . Wow . . Brava , lady . What a ride ! Schopenhauer said that life is like a dream in that the reality a person creates is merely a reflection of mind . Kant said it , too . Probably , Kant said it first … Anyway , this is the philosophy that drives Deadly Lucidity . It is the story of a woman whose actual dream state becomes a tumultuous but also romantic journey that might become , the reader thinks , her reality . At times , I wanted her to escape ; at times , I wanted her to stay . The question that drives it all , of course , is what is real ? Her dreams or the life she left behind , which becomes a sort of dream in of itself . A great book by a fellow author at All Things That Matter Press . I 'm honored to be in such good company . Marie lives in a dream world . Writing horror novels is her passion . But do they lead to her dreams ? Due to her childhood , she is now suffering from a disturbing anxiety disorder and rarely ventures out , except to go see a best friend who is also her therapist . She learned that dreams can take you many places , that some dream in color , that some can remember their dreams and that some forget them the minute they wake up , but for Marie it 's a challenge . She claims to be able to control her dreams and wake herself up . She goes from one beautiful dream to being chased by a psychotic person . She is no long sure if she is awake or if she is stuck in her dream . Where is she at , who is she in reality and who is Murphy the handsome ranger ? Why does everyone in her dream keep telling her to wake up and that she is in danger ? " Deadly Lucidity " is thrilling suspense novel that starts out with him … Marie locked in her dreams . Injuries that occur in her dream are real when she awakens . She continues to jump from one dream to another , surrounded by good and evil . As the story progresses , the reader is taken to an edge of the seat suspense as Marie is taken through terrifying events leading up to a surprising conclusion . Julie Achterhoff has written a book that is such an amazing and intriguing thriller . This is a mind challenging book . ' If only she could remember her true real life and what had happened in it to cause her to be stuck in her dreams . Was she even a writer ? That thought struck her hard . She could have just created that fiction from her imagination , too . She was having an identity crisis . Who was she really ? Was she any more real than any of the other dream images that played through her mind ? Then she focused on one of the main themes of her recent dreams - the bad man who had kidnapped her . Maybe that kept popping up because it had a grain of reality to it . Maybe she had truly been kidnapped . Maybe she was still unconscious in this guy 's basement . Oh , God . That must be it , she thought . But she had gotten away from him in every dream scenario , too , hadn 't she ? Maybe she had escaped , but was brain dead . No . She wouldn 't be able to dream if that were the case . The only other possibility was that she was in a coma ? If so , for how long ? Her intuition said that felt right , that she was in a coma . If only she could remember what happened . ' Dreams take us to other worlds and dimensions . But what brings these dream about ? Are they pieces of memory from our past ? And how much do we actually contribute to what happens when we dream ? Are we able to add and delete characters . Even during a nightmare , are we able to defend ourselves by conjuring up defense weapons ? In the case of Marie , where is she ? Who is she ? Who is Murphy ? How did he get into Marie 's dream ? Is everything really a dream or is she simply lost in another world ? How will she find her way out of her dream and back into the real world ? Can Murphy go with her ? What is she trying to accomplish and why is everyone telling her she has to wake up ? They say you dream nightly but only remember a few . I have no idea if that 's true but I do know that after reading Deadly Lucidity I 've found myself wondering more and more about the dreams I do have and do remember . And as with the character Marie , wouldn 't it be nice to start a dream , wake up , go back to sleep and restart that dream ? Sometimes yes . Sometimes no . Deadly Lucidity by Julie Achterhoff is about dream lives . The concept of this book starts out as intriguing and eventually reaches a higher level than that . The narrator , Marie , jumps from one life to another starting at the very beginning of the story . Throughout the rest of the book she is surrounded by real people who are dreams and threatened by other real people who are nightmares . She is chased by an evil baron who wants her in his harem . This baron is always a threat because he can jump between all of Marie 's dreams . She is also threatened by clowns , wild animals , and gangs of evil men who try to rape her . She is protected by a " ranger " named Murphy , a marksman who always keeps his six - shooters ready . Achterhoff 's novel really gets going when it is revealed that Marie is in a coma in her non - dream life . Her mother is getting ready to take her off life support . The only way she can come out of her coma is by finding a way out of her dream world and back into reality . She needs to do that before her mother pulls the plug . Then the book gets even better when Marie discovers that Murphy is also in a coma . He and Clarice , a young girl who is a third coma victim , are all in the same room of the same hospital and all hooked to life support . The dream isn 't just Marie 's . They are all dreaming it . Caught in a dream world from which she can 't escape , Marie finds herself hunted by a dangerous psychopath . Her situation is far from hopeless , though , as a handsome Ranger named Murphy vows both to protect her and help her find a way back to the real world . Over the course of their shared adventures , Marie looks very much forward to getting her life back to normal - but her growing passion for Murphy makes the prospect of leaving him behind an increasingly difficult choice to make … Skillfully crafted by author Julie Achterhoff , Deadly Lucidity is an engaging suspense thriller . In it , Achterhoff has crafted a compelling alternate nether world straight out of the darkest regions of any imagination . In addition , as Marie wends her way through a series of increasingly perilous events , you find yourself rooting not - so - silently on her behalf , turning each fresh page in rapt anticipation of precisely what fate awaits her as the story progresses . Furthermore , the genuine affection that she and Murphy feel for one another adds a layer of palpable tension to the overall tale , drawing the reader in even more as this modern twist on the age - old tale of good vs . evil plays itself out in fantastical fashion . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
You wouldn 't know it if you saw G * * gle 's home page , but this is the biggest holiday in the Christian calendar . He is risen indeed ! Or as some of our relatives from from Iowa and Minnesota would say , " He is risen ! " " You betcha ! " You would see that it is Easter by the people getting together at the parks and at the beach . You could see it by the cars lining the streets as families gathered for dinner . And you could see it in the packed churches . Hubby and I left the kids at home and at their churches , and went to church with some other groups in The Gathering . At lunch there , I sat at a table with a bunch of doctoral students . I kept thinking about how weird it was to have a great conversation with people my kids ' ages who were so educated . Did they realize they were talking to a college dropout , stay at home mom ? Fortunately , everyone likes to talk about their interests , and these people are passionate about so many awesome things . I had fun listening to their stories . Afterwards , Hubby and I went down to the beach . I wasn 't the only one walking barefoot with my best skirt . I bought the skirt months ago and didn 't have a place to wear it , but today was just perfect . I 'm glad I didn 't get rid of it . I don 't have a picture of me , but I do have one of Hubby . It was fun walking around Santa Cruz , people watching . The surfers were having a great time , people were walking their dogs , and bicyclists shared the pathway with people walking and enjoying the view . There was one young woman who had a tortoise with a big , pink bow around it for Easter . She carried it around in a basket when she wasn 't letting him walk next to the pathway . We didn 't see the Superman guy with the bike , but we did see the World Peace truck . It was blaring " What the World Needs Now " and sporting pictures of Mother Teresa and posters asking for donations of shoes and clothing for the Navajos . What century are we in ? Santa Cruz really is weird . Weird and wonderful ! Hubby and I walked to the store to pick up a few things . Ms . D needed to walk the dog after she fed him . We thought that we would see her on our walk . We didn 't . Microbio daughter did see Ms . D while she was coming home early from work . Ms . D was next to a car , hugging some guy . The guy drove off when they saw Microbio daughter turn around . We got home soon after and Hubby called the police . The call was transferred to the non - emergency dispatch after Ms . D told them that she had seen the guy a few times in the neighborhood and liked him . The problem we had was that she didn 't know how old he was and he didn 't know she was only fourteen . She didn 't know his name , if he went to school , worked , or anything else , yet he was a cute guy she let hug her . This kind of thing happens with teens , but even more so with kids with FASD . Officer Robert came by later and helped a lot . He spent over an hour with her and helped her to see that she needed to keep safe . He told her how a thirteen year old girl was found at a nearby hotel just this morning , drugged and sold for sex . He told her to not talk to certain people in the neighborhood who cause problems and to call him if she ever was in a bad situation . He talked to her as a police officer and as a dad , and she liked it ! She said she normally doesn 't like the police , but she said this one was one of a kind . I was worried that Ms . D would be so afraid of the police because of her previous encounter that she wouldn 't call for help if she ever needed to do so . So what started as a difficult situation , is turning into a blessing . Officer Robert is amazing ! So tonight , Ms . D feels protected . Ms . D feels loved . Ms . D is connected to our family . What could have been a really bad thing is turned to good . We are blessed . I baked the eggs instead of boiling , and it worked out great . I put the eggs in a mini - muffin pan , turned the oven on 325 and baked them for 30 minutes . Then I carefully put them in ice water and they were ready to color . I only broke one egg that had a thinner shell . It peeled easily , even though it was rather fresh . I think I 'll bake the eggs from now on , especially when there are a lot to hard boil . I love the way that the brown and blue - green eggs take a color . I tried to do something fancy with leaves and rubber bands , but I didn 't have enough rubber bands to keep the leaves next to the egg . But we had fun anyway . Posted by It is a psalm that is familiar to most people , even those who don 't read the Bible . It gives comfort to the grieving , and hope to those who are suffering . Its familiarity doesn 't lessen the encouragement . It reassures me that God is alive and is my shepherd , leading and providing for me even when I don 't see Him . The psalm draws me to its words when I am in my dark times . In our discussions , I 've been trying to point out times that God has protected them . It has been more difficult than it seems . One difficulty is that I see the good , they see the bad . I see the way Ms . D was healed of a bad infection after a cat bite . Mr . I said that if God was really looking out for her , He would have prevented it in the first place . And to top it all off , Ms . D had seizures . Why didn 't He keep those from happening ? They have had pretty good questions . How many of us ask similar ones . Yet I know that their view is clouded by their traumatic past . Is this world really a good place ? Are they safe ? Or is disaster waiting around every corner ? Will they die if they leave their guard down for even a moment ? Are they loved by others and by God ? I am searching for more examples of God 's care for them . Some examples of God 's care I don 't feel would be appropriate , yet to me they are huge ! Ms . D won 't let me tell of how God sent the police to find her before the men breaking into cars that night she snuck out of the house . It 's too embarrassing . I can 't tell the kids how they were taken from an abusive and neglectful home , with drug addicted parents who were in gangs and were violent . They can 't comprehend that their birth parents would do such things , especially after the birth parents denied doing anything wrong . I can 't tell them how the birth family is still struggling with major problems , that we found out the mom has a hearing with drug court next week , that their siblings are involved with crime and gangs , and that God put Ms . D and Mr . I in a place where they have a chance at a better life . I see how they have been protected from all sorts of evil . They only see that they were taken from the people that were " unfairly " accused and deceived that should have been able to keep them . It is so apparent to me that they are especially loved and cared for by the One who made them . Oh , I wish I could say to them some of these obvious ways that God has protected and provided for them . Instead , I am looking for the little things . I am pointing those out as I think of them . And maybe , just maybe , they will be able to see God 's hand on their lives too . I just read a teaser about a post coming tomorrow from a fellow homeschool mom . It is about " How to be a drama free mama . " Because the post hasn 't even come out yet , and I haven 't had a chance to say I agree or disagree with what she is going to say , I feel free to share what my first thought was after reading the title . What I write here is not a response to her blog post , which will probably be full of awesome advice , but a question that came to me after reading her teaser . Think about it . Are we called to live a life in our big suburban homes , shelter ourselves from the world , and live a nice , ordered life with our perfectly behaved children , and be surrounded with plenty and peace because God is a God of order and beauty ? Or are we called to give up these things , to get our hands and feet dirty in the trenches , and purposely put ourselves in the midst of the broken , the orphan , the sick , and the poor in order to bring God 's love to where they are at . When we brought our two youngest children into our home , we traded our rights to be a nice Christian family in order to love children who shocked the other parents in the Sunday School class . We have had drama in our lives because instead of running from those who cause drama , we are running towards them and loving them where they are . I know people who have traded their nice suburban McMansions and families in order to live in the inner city or in a Third World country . I know a few who have given all they have to help the poor , and others who work long hours to help the homeless , the mentally ill , and the outcasts . There are some who spend their vacations , not on some warm beach resort , but by digging wells in Africa , or doing dental work for people in Central America . Thankful for Whatever Today I went to a beautiful home to celebrate the graduation of a good friend . It was good to honor my friend for her accomplishment . It 's not every day that an older student is able to finish her degree . She worked so hard , and still found time to do many other things , like head up the food distribution ministry . She is a talented woman , and I will enjoy seeing what God has for her in the next phase of her life . She will be a blessing wherever she goes . It was one of those homes that seem big from a distance , and enormous when you are there . I 've been to similar places in Oregon , but never thought I 'd be able to go to one in California . I can 't even imagine how much this property costs , yet I was able to enjoy it today . I love beauty , and there was so much peace and beauty in this place . The contrast was sharp when I came home and our neighbors were blasting hip hop music with a DJ and a large sound system . I have had plenty , and I have been in want . I have had a new , beautiful home in an upscale neighborhood , and I 've lived in a cramped , old home in a crime riddled area . The challenge for me is to be happy in whatever situation I am in . When I concentrate on what I have lost , what I 've never had , or on what others have and I don 't , I tend to miss the blessings I have been given . But when I am thankful , I can discover blessings that have been overlooked . When I am grateful , I can enjoy life . And when I can rejoice in other 's blessings , I can love more deeply . Imagine yourself happily walking three dogs with your two children down a beautiful sidewalk path on a warm , Spring day . You pass a woman collecting her mail about twenty feet away and you hear her yelling , but can 't quite make out what she is saying . You ignore her and continue to walk down the pathway , enjoying the warm sun . About a block away , you hear the woman again , sounding a bit closer , and you turn around . She swears at you , walks towards you , and tells you to stop calling her a fat b * * * * . That 's what happened today on our walk . I asked the woman if she was talking to us . I told her we weren 't talking to her , and that my daughter just asked me why I was walking so fast . The woman continued to yell and swear at us , Ms . D started to swear back , and Mr . I was panicking . I asked her nicely to stop swearing at the kids . I tried to walk away , but she kept following us and yelling even more . It became clear very quickly that this woman was either mentally ill or on drugs , and I needed to stop her from frightening the kids . I finally asked the woman if she needed any help , and I would gladly call the police if she wanted . When I pulled out my phone , she quickly ran back to her home . I realized then that drugs were probably more likely at work here , so I made a police report when I got back . I hope someone checks up on her . My kids now don 't feel safe in our neighborhood in the middle of the day . This has been a bit of a lesson for the kids . I hope that they learn to never take drugs . The kids also need to learn to quietly get away from a heated situation , rather than fight back physically or verbally . It may not stick , since the kids need a lot of reinforcement and don 't learn as well when they are frightened . That crazed woman was frightening ! Yesterday I went to a women 's worship night . It was good to get away from the house and worship , even though I couldn 't quite focus as well as I would have hoped . But there is blessing in the Christian disciplines , like prayer , meditation , giving , and worship , no matter how a person may feel . At the end there was a time to receive prayer , and I took part in it , not as an intercessor , but as a receiver . I usually am on the giving side , and am pleasantly surprised to see people blessed , even when I feel so empty myself . But this time it was good to receive . And one thing stuck with me . She said she saw me and my family under the cover of God 's wings , even when I didn 't see it . So today I 've been meditating about being under the cover of God 's wings . There are psalms that talk of it . There are songs written about it . And I can see God 's protection over our family . I 've thought about how God protected my kids from the abuse at a church we attended when we first came down to California . I 'm still recovering , probably because I 've been so busy with the younger children and haven 't taken the time to process and heal from the experience . I remember praying that my older kids would not turn against God because of the church . And now I see how well they are doing and see God 's protection of their hearts . Today , I thought about a major life change coming up , and how it would affect the younger kids . As I 'm tempted to worry , I 'm remembering that we are under the shadow of God 's wings . When I worry about finances , I see how we have been protected through layoffs , illnesses , car breakdowns , and unforeseen college expenses . Today we learned about David dancing before the ark of the Lord , and how his wife made fun of him . I tried to teach the younger kids about how it 's good to worship God with all your heart and to let others worship without ridicule . And when the kids said they never worship God and they think some people do look weird , and the fear for their relationship with God started to creep into me , I told myself we are under the shadow of His wings . When I worry for the safety of the kids , and their choices in friends , clothing , and their relationship with the birth family , I tell myself , we are under the shadow of His wings . I remind myself that Ms . D couldn 't get out of our driveway on a midnight outing with a friend without the police finding her and keeping her safe . It is easy to see God 's protection when things go right , when we miss having an accident by inches , when the tax refund comes back in time , when we quickly get a job , or when a surgery goes well . But God 's protection is there even when things don 't seem to work out the way we want . His covering was there when we went to the abusive church , when the cars broke down , when I was hungry as a child , and when my kids were in their mother 's womb and were affected by drugs and alcohol . I don 't know why bad things sometimes happen , but God is here in the good times and in the bad . We got the tax refund three weeks before we needed it for the property taxes . Hubby said we are just shuffling money between taxing agencies . I 'm glad we didn 't have to borrow for any tax payments The kids weren 't too bad , though they did whine for awhile about having to take a vacation with the family in a few weeks . It 's amazing how worked up they can get over a change of schedule that will happen far ahead of time . I didn 't let the whines bother me a bit . Ms . D has to get out of the house sometime , even if she is a homebody ! I cleaned out the linen closet and found some long lost things hidden in the mess . I didn 't realize I had so many umbrellas ! I put sheet sets together into pillowcases so that they are easier to use . I got rid of some old children 's sheets and other things we don 't need , including a few of those umbrellas . It was so glad to get that closet organized . I don 't think I touched parts of it since we moved here over thirteen years ago . Well , I know I didn 't touch it because the box I thought had maps really had shower gifts and an unopened package of flannel sheets . I should have purged some of the things every year , not every decade ! It 's amazing what chores got pushed aside since we got the kids . I had a great time watching Mr . I try to do some body building . There is nothing like a pubescent boy who is trying to get muscles like a full grown man ! Despite all these things , I am a bit weepy tonight . I realized that since I don 't have to scrimp and save for the taxes , I can go to my spiritual director . I haven 't gone in a few months . I was thinking of all things that have happened and that I 'm processing lately so that we could discuss some of them . But just thinking of those things was pretty overwhelming , and I felt so worthless and insignificant . I hope I don 't start crying when I 'm with her like I was at the end of church Saturday when I asked for prayer . Sometimes I wish I could just get over the past , and not have to go through a long process of healing . But I may be too hard on myself . I don 't expect my kids to " just get over it . " They need help , time , understanding , and a touch from God . How can I expect myself to be any different ? Blessed wrote a comment in the last post about how she wished she could have learned earlier from people like Dr . Purvis and parented her kids differently . I wish I could have learned earlier too , for both my bio and my adopted kids ! The parenting journey is full of decisions and we make so many mistakes along the way . Sometimes I wish I could go back and have a do - over ! Fortunately , most kids are pretty resilient , and bounce back pretty well , even when we make mistakes . I made so many with my oldest children , yet they turned out great . I was too strict with my first child when he was younger . I taught him from age two to not ask me for anything at a store . We were on a very strict budget and had no money for extras . We would leave the store if he asked for anything and fussed about it . I was happy with how I trained him until he was about ten and I realized that I had taught him too well . He wouldn 't even tell me he wanted a Slinky when I offered to get him a toy at a flea market ! I was raising him to be very legalistic . I was afraid that would carry over in his relationship with God , and keep him from praying for his needs . So I had to teach my son that it is good to ask us and God for things . Now , when I find myself saying no too many times to a child 's requests , I make sure I say yes here and there . I did it this weekend . I had been saying no to Ms . D 's requests for junk food all weekend . For some reason she wanted comfort food and to her , comfort food is fast food . So this evening I let her pick out some sugar cereal when we were at the store . The nutrition mama within me was cringing , but I made the decision to say yes to something . It may not have been the best decision , but it seemed to help her to see that I care about her . It is more difficult to raise the two younger ones . They didn 't have their basic needs met when they were young , were bounced from home to home , and were affected by fetal alcohol . Because of that , there is a much smaller window of good parenting . A little mistake can make big differences in their lives . I want to do things perfectly for them , yet I know I can 't . The perfectionist in me doesn 't like to admit that I may not be able to do this parenting gig without mistakes . My littlest ones may not end up as nicely as my bio kids in the world 's eyes , no matter how well I do my job . And that is changing the way I see myself , God , and others . I 'm learning as I go . I 'm learning to parent kids in a completely different way . I 'm learning what grace is . I 'm learning about unconditional love . I 'm learning to let go of perfectionism , legalism , and judgment of myself and others . I 'm learning that I can be loved unconditionally , even as I learn to love my children unconditionally . I 'm learning that relationship comes before legalism . I 'm learning to truly love . It used to be , with my older kids who don 't have their brains damaged by fetal alcohol , that I had pretty high standards for lying and stealing . If a child denied doing something wrong and I found out otherwise , that child would often get double the punishment . They soon learned that telling the truth , admitting their wrongdoing , and confessing before they got caught , resulted in much easier consequences . They learned very quickly not to touch the belongings of others unless they asked . And most of all , they were to treat their siblings and others with respect . And for the most part , they did . The other day , Ms . D sat on some clothes fresh from the dryer that I had put on the sofa . I told her , " Don 't sit on the clothes , please . They will wrinkle . " She looked at me , still sitting on the clothes , and said with a straight face , " I 'm not ! " It sure looked like it to me ! Remember , this girl is fourteen years old , not two . But I have to treat lying like I would a two year old . My kids , especially Ms . D who has more brain damage , lie . It 's not because they are bad kids , or because they haven 't been taught better . It 's not because they want to lie . They just do . Their brains don 't work the same as most kids . I 'm pretty good at not asking questions that will lead to a lie . I don 't ask who did this and how did that happen . I do my best to find the perpetrator and then just have them make it right . I tell them it doesn 't matter who left the food out in their bedroom to rot under their bed . It has to be cleaned and I choose who gets to help . No hard feelings . No emotion . It 's just life . I also don 't get emotional over stealing . Ms . D doesn 't seem to understand that her sister gets upset when she wears her sister 's clothes . We just take them back and tell her not to wear them again without asking . But it happens again and again . Ms . D just can 't seem to learn . Today , when we were walking the dogs , Ms . D found a small ball in front of a neighbor 's house . She started to bring it back to the car . I told her to put it back . It 's not ours , and Brewster can 't be around balls . Ms . D was upset that she couldn 't have it and yelled , " But it 's not theirs ! " Really ? How does she know ? I told her again that she can 't take anything that isn 't hers without asking . I don 't even get all worked up about the swearing at each other , though I stop it as soon as I can . They swore like sailors when they were three and four , rarely did so later , but are at it again as they have hit the teen years . It is worse when they are upset about something . So instead of just addressing the language , I need to help them to calm down too . An upset mom doesn 't calm the environment down a bit . It is hard for people with FASD to follow through with socially appropriate behavior . They really do want to do what 's right . They may know the rules . They may be able to tell you the rules . They may get upset when others don 't follow the rules . But because of the impulsivity and lack of cause and effect thinking , they make really bad decisions . And they do the same stupid things over and over , no matter what happens . I have to tell them simply , without using too many words . I need to check to see if they finished a task , and not just ask . I need to not assume that because they shut a gate , did their math , or brush their teeth hundreds of times before , that they will do those things today . I 'm glad I have read that many people with FASD lie and aren 't capable of doing what is right sometimes . They need an external brain . They need others around them to keep them out of trouble . They may look capable , but they are operating at a different level than they seem . My kids may be teenagers physically , but emotionally , morally , and mentally be at a much younger age . So instead of getting all worked up about lying , stealing , and other such things , I need to carefully guide , protect , and help the children with FASD , just like one would do for a young child . It is a hard road to walk , to help the children learn yet modify their environment for success . I will make mistakes . I will get frustrated at times . But I need to remind myself that we are all doing the best we can with what we were given . And these kids were given FASD , and it 's not their fault . The girls said that Adam was as nice in concert as he is on The Voice . Ms . D loves to watch that program , so this concert was perfect for her . Microbio Daughter said the musicians were as good or better live than they are recorded . It was a stretch for Ms . D . She doesn 't do well in crowds and almost refused to go , even though she liked all three bands . They went early to adjust to the environment and get to their seats before there were large crowds . Ms . D settled down as soon as the music started and had a great time . When they came home , Ms . D was excited and happy . It was a good bonding time for the girls . I 'm so glad that Microbio Daughter took Ms . D for a sister night out ! I talked to a foster mom this morning who recently finished parenting a couple of kids . Now that they are in another home , this mama is having time to recoup . This was her first time fostering and she was surprised by how difficult it was to care for these kids and to deal with the county foster system . My friend is an awesome mom . She has a bio kid , she took the classes , and she talked to others who have fostered before . She , like all of us , thought she was prepared to take in children who needed a home . But it was harder than she had ever imagined . I think we all wonder this . I thought I was prepared . Our preparation included three different series of classes from different agencies , reading , doing respite care , talking to others who have fostered and adopted before , and years of parenting our bio kids . I thought we 'd be one of the best prepared people possible , and it was still harder than I could ever imagine ! I expected some paperwork and red tape , but I didn 't expect so many rules and regulations that we had to follow , even though they made no sense for our situation . It was as if someone at one time had a problem with something , so the state made a law for everyone . You can 't restrain a child , but what do you do when your foster child is getting a filling or his blood drawn ? You need to teach an older child to do his laundry , yet you have to lock all detergent away so that child can 't get to it . You need a doctor 's signed release to give your child some Tylenol for a fever . Babysitters needed to be CPR trained , over eighteen , and fingerprinted . And everything , every little incident needed to be written down . If I had written down every time a child hit me or someone else , I would have been writing more than parenting ! Even worse , many of the county social workers seemed to have lost their love of children and had become overworked and uncaring bureaucrats . I 'm so glad we had a private foster agency that gave me so much support . I couldn 't have done it without them ! I expected some behavior problems with my children . I had done respite care for a few families and knew that the kids in the system had a lot of hurts . But what I didn 't expect was that many kids with attachment problems behave far better with strangers than with the mom figure . The other moms told me that their kids were harder than it seemed , but I could not have imagined the fury unleashed on me when I was the foster mother . At first I didn 't know the effects of alcohol on my children , and our state seemed to be oblivious to alcohol 's effects on children too . I also didn 't understand how wearing it would be to care for the kids 24 / 7 for years . It 's difficult to parent the children from foster care , and it 's even more difficult to do it for long stretches of time . There were other difficulties that were bigger than I had imagined . There are so many appointments , you spend a lot of time in the car . I had callouses on my hands because I was driving over a hundred miles a day taking the kids to the doctor , Head Start , school , therapy appointments , specialists , dentists , eye doctors , and visits . Even getting sick was a challenge . How do you keep a house clean and the kids fed and taken care of when you and the rest of the family have influenza ? How can you tell people what you are going through without others making judgements ? How can you bring your three year old to Sunday school if you know that child will teach the other kids some choice language ? The isolation that happened in order to protect our family or others was unexpected . And I won 't go into the birth family interactions that made things a lot harder for me and the kids . That would take a whole other post ! So why didn 't anyone tell me what it would be like ? Why didn 't I tell my friend ? I think I told her some , but it 's one of those things that are impossible to tell all . The closest thing to compare it to is labor . How do you tell someone who hasn 't experienced labor what it would feel like ? Also , everyone experiences labor and fostering differently . What may be the most difficult for me may be a breeze for someone else . Though there may be similarities , no two experiences are the same . Knowing how difficult it was for me , would I do it again ? And would I encourage others to foster a child ? What would I tell others who are thinking of going down the same path ? Is it worth the difficulties , the exhaustion , the isolation ? I let the kids sleep in this morning . The time changed , and the kids are still recovering from colds , so I spent the time processing some things in my life and listening to some short videos by Dr . Karen Purvis and Michael Monroe . One of the things they mentioned was about every person 's needs , whether or not they are adopted . Ms . D wanted to be a police dog when she grew up . Mr . I was always right behind . They were cute , but they were a handful ! We had a bit of a rough start , but we did things to help them attach , to help them become part of a family . We played lots of games , including the bubble game . I would be right there across from them , blowing bubbles , so that they could look in my eyes . They really liked that game ! I 'm not reminding the kids today about the significance of this date . They 've had a rough week . Maybe they know in their hearts anyway that it is the time of year when they were taken from one home and brought to a stranger 's one . It isn 't the happiest event in their lives . In this picture , you can 't see that I scraped my wrists and hands trying to get the bulb changed in such a small space . It was so cramped , I can 't see how man hands could possibly get in there . Mine barely fit ! You also can 't see that I had washed them a couple of times during the process so I could look up how to change the bulb on Youtube . My hands look and feel even worse in real life . But it was worth it ! It cost less than ten dollars to do the job . Fortunately , we had the cheaper lights for our particular car . Other lights would have cost over $ 115 each for just the bulb ! I am so happy I could do it myself and the light works ! That 's the question that my kids ask , even after ten years of living in our home . Maybe it doesn 't come up as often or as intense , but it 's still there waiting under the surface . The question comes up when there are triggers , when they see an intact family , when they taste Mexican food , when they visit friends , when they are feeling a bit sick , when they are crossed , when they . . . The question rarely comes out in an articulated and conscious way . It most often comes with negative behaviors , acting out , or pushing away . It comes with odd questions and statements that seem to come out of the blue . It 's a question that is often misunderstood . I don 't always recognize the basic question because I get all hung up on the outward manifestations . I have to ask myself , " what did they mean when they said that ? " Is there something deeper behind that statement ? Someone looking at my children 's behavior from the outside may think my children are sullen , or disobedient , or bad kids . Other people may not understand why I respond to some things in ways that are opposite to what is expected in a typical parent / child relationship . I respond with time - ins instead of time - outs . Repairing relationship comes before behavior correction . Providing support and protection , especially with Ms . D because of her FAS , comes before letting her have freedom . My kids are asking a question that comes from deep within . It comes from a place of rejection , either real or imagined . And unfortunately , the rejection was mostly real . The rejections came in a time of their lives when they were the most vulnerable . Earlier , when we were in the car , Mr . I told me he wished I was Mexican . He then asked me how old he 'd have to be in order to move back to the birth family . When I told him eighteen , he said , " But by then I will be an adult and can be on my own . " " Yes , it 's sad that it all worked out the way it did . But we are legally responsible for you until then . " I didn 't say much , but tried to let him talk . It 's so hard not to close him down when he talks about running away , or ask questions like , " What would Dad do if I hit you in the face ? " So I hope I answered his questions simply and with understanding . What I didn 't say , but was thinking , was this : " Yes , it 's not right that you had to leave your birth family and were placed with a white family . It 's not natural for kids to bounce from place to place , only to end up in a stranger 's house . The birth family should have done what they could to keep you where you belonged . The state didn 't ask for too much . But they are drug addicts that care more about themselves than what 's best for you . And they haven 't changed as much as I hoped . I hate it when they don 't call and then make excuses when you finally get a hold of them . It 's never their fault . There is always somebody else to blame . It breaks my heart every time you say you miss them and I know that they don 't miss you enough to pick up the phone or follow through with a visit . I understand that you are trying to figure out how to be a Hispanic man . I understand that you wish you could be with the family you were born into , or at least some family that looks like they could be related . But can 't you see we love you ? Even though you look different , you are just as much a part of our family as any of the other kids . And when you talk about moving back to the birth family , I get really scared for you and Ms . D . Just about all the other people in that family have ended up in jail , worked in the sex trade , have been in gangs , or have been addicted to drugs . It 's a horrible life and I worry that they will get you into that lifestyle . They are really more dangerous than you can imagine . This is your chance to have a better life . I hope you don 't throw it away because you don 't feel connected . " But I don 't say those kind of things . It wouldn 't be helpful to say them . So I hold those thoughts inside , pray , and hope that someday they will see that they are loved . If that was the only thing that concerned me today about Mr . I , it would be enough . But he came home with tears in his eyes after some altercation with a friend . What concerned me is that Mr . I didn 't want to talk to us about it . I don 't know what was said . It is hard for me to know that something is bothering him , but I am clueless as to what it is . At least he slowly warmed up to us as the evening went on . Thanks to Microbio Daughter getting him and his sister some coffee , he slowly let us touch him and let us pray for him before bed . But I still don 't know if it is something I need to worry about , or if it is just a typical kid thing . Whatever it was , it shook him up . Today we got a truckload of dirt to fill the pond out back . It would take too much money to finish , and we need a little more room in the backyard now that we have Brewster . The dirt was free , and we used our own sweat to move that mountain of dirt piled in our driveway . This home improvement project was cheap . We had about six yards delivered from a construction worker who needed to get rid of the dirt . We found that it worked best if I shoveled the dirt in the wheelbarrow and hubby moved it to the backyard . We had a problem though . The side gate wasn 't wide enough for the full wheelbarrow , so we had to go through the house . We had another problem . Tomorrow it is supposed to rain . The dirt was already pretty heavy , and if it got wet it would be miserable to move . So we moved all that dirt in one day . The dirt came at about 3 : 30 in the afternoon . I got two or three loads moved before Hubby came home a little before 4 : 00 . We stopped for a few minutes to eat dinner , but other than that we worked our little tails off until 9 : 15 . That 's over five hours of heavy labor ! I can 't believe we were able to do it . It was beautiful out . I got to look at the stars and heard an owl . Microbio Daughter brought out some music . It helped me to make it through the evening . But now that I 'm done , I can hardly move . I am finding some new muscles and am walking around like an old lady . But the job is done ! ! ! ! We moved a mountain of dirt in one evening ! Microbio daughter took her to church after we ate , and Ms . D quickly calmed down . It was amazing how quickly she switched to acting normal . She participated in the singing , listened , and took very good care of Brewster in church . She was even able to talk about her experience with Microbio daughter . Ms . D said she forgot how ghetto that particular Walmart was . We hadn 't gone there in months , since two new ones opened up recently . They are are cleaner and larger than the old one and are worth the five or ten extra minutes of drive time . The one we went to last night is the closest , but it is also in a bad neighborhood that is also the birth family 's neighborhood . Ms . D told Microbio daughter that people were hanging around like it was a mall , and that there were some girls that looked like they were high or drunk . Did some of the sights and sounds trigger some PTSD ? Did the thought of seeing her birth brother cause her to overload with emotion ? Microbio Daughter said that by the tone of her voice , she could tell that Ms . D was frightened . It was good for Ms . D to go with Microbio daughter to her church . They go together often , so it is structured and familiar . I usually think of Mr . I getting dysregulated in unfamiliar situations or places that trigger memories . I am more surprised by Ms . D , though she is just as affected . Mr . I is just usually more demonstrative and I need to focus my efforts to get him regulated in those kinds of situations . Ms . D is normally more reserved and shuts down . So in order to keep the stress level down , I think I 'll have to avoid that Walmart . It 's good to slowly push the kids out of their comfort zone , but this was too much for Ms . D to handle . Microbio Daughter 's calmness and a routine activity helped Ms . D get to a regulated state . She did well last night and woke up happy this morning . I am so thankful ! Even though my kids have only talked once to the birth dad and not at all to the birth mom since early December , there is still a bond . I just can 't figure it out . Today , as we were going to the store , Ms . D thought she saw one of her brothers . I turned around , but couldn 't get a good look at him . Ms . D 's friend said it wasn 't him , but Ms . D insisted it was . I had to get back in time for church , so we continued to the store . What came next was confusing to me . Ms . D acted extremely drunk as we went down the aisles . She giggled loudly , couldn 't walk in a straight line , and couldn 't concentrate . She called her birth mom to see if she really did see her brother , and then acted even more drunk . I couldn 't get out of the store fast enough . Of course , this store didn 't have enough employees and it took twice as long as usual for us to get out of there . The man working in the electronics section was covering for another worker and didn 't know his way around . One man asked a question about phone cards that the worker couldn 't answer quickly and another guy paid for something with coins which took over five minutes to count . Then all but one of the checkers went to lunch , making the Saturday afternoon lines very long . Why is it when you are in the most hurry , people slow down ? But we finally were able to get out of there without causing too many heads to turn . I guess people are used to seeing odd sights at Walmart anyway . A fourteen year old girl acting drunk isn 't shocking enough , I guess ! I 'll have to do some research to see if stress can cause drunk - like behavior in people with FASD . It 's strange , but I can think of no other explanation . Thankfully , Ms . D calmed down when we finally came home , and was able to take Brewster to church with Microbio Daughter . Hopefully we 'll have a peaceful night . I need it ! I am a woman who is trying her best to follow Jesus in the midst of being a wife , a mom of six , two by adoption through foster care , and grandma . I 've called myself Mommy Linda since the two youngest came into our lives and found themselves with two mamas , one who brought them into the world , and one who has the terrifying , yet awesome responsibility of raising them . I used to homeschool the two youngest kiddos , but now that we moved , they are in school . Once I unpack all the boxes and work on the house , I 'll have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up . I love to be creative and make things that last more than a few hours . I am married to an awesome man who is a super alpha geek , which I am most definitely not ! Our lifestyle has changed from city life in California to living in a small island community in the Northwest . Life is an adventure , and writing helps me to put it all into perspective . |
What does it take to have a happy , long - lasting relationship ? I have yet to find that romantically . I have found this platonically . Even that isn 't perfect , but it is happy and long - lasting . My best friends … though our lives have taken us in different directions , and we sometimes make choices that frustrate each other to no end , we have a connection that is unbreakable . My best friends think I am charming , hilarious , and bitchy in a good way . I think they are hilarious , as well as smart and empathetic , and super geeky ( in a good way ) . We have geeky interests in common , and we can talk for hours about everything . My two best friends have very different views in terms of spirituality and faith , but they both have strong values and morals , and they 're both respectful of people who have opposing viewpoints . I consider myself a new thought Christian , and I can discuss spirituality and religion with both of my friends at length without it getting heated . We are three open - minded , understanding amigas . I want to date my friend … not literally , though . I want to establish a strong friendship with a man who will connect with me the way my friends do . Obviously , I want there to be romance and excitement , but I have learned that a relationship cannot begin that way . How could I think I was in love with someone I barely knew ? I need to change the way that I date . I need to set boundaries and take control of the pace and direction of the relationship . I will not let myself be led into the type of relationship that I am not ready for ever again . I do very much want to be in love , to be happy with a partner , but being alone feels so much better than being in an unhappy relationship . I don 't necessarily have to agree with every viewpoint of my partner , but I think our beliefs should be similar , as well as our sense of humor . I hate to fight or argue . . it gives me horrible anxiety . I want to be with someone who is amicable , yet also assertive and confident . I know what I want , and I cannot explain it well enough in words . I will know when I meet him , and I know that I haven 't yet . This is ( hopefully ) my last semester in college . I earned my B . A . in English in 2006 . I don 't want to put into writing exactly how many years ago that was . Since then , I have held several jobs that I hated too much to turn into actual careers . I have been in too many relationships that taught me a lot of lessons , sometimes more than once , and left me feeling beaten and battered . I have pretty much lost my faith in romantic relationships for myself , but I have been a witness to countless engagements , marriages , and births amongst my group of friends . I just haven 't been able to find my path , and I keep trying to force myself to accept what is not right for me because I feel like I have to accept what is available to me . I 'm just not a very patient person . I took a year to spend exploring career ideas without the pressure of having to work to pay bills . I lived with my parents for a year , and I was a substitute teacher . I would 've gotten paid just as much flipping burgers , sadly . I did it to really explore teaching as a possible career , and I was able to try out different grade levels . I actually loved it most days , especially when I was in the elementary schools . I can use my creativity , I can connect with kids and be a positive influence on their lives , and I can feel the excitement as their brains soak up knowledge like little sponges ! This summer , I will be certified k - 12 ( highly qualified in English 7 - 12 ) . I feel like this is my opportunity to start over . I have no ties to this place anymore . I have friends and my parents , but they are not binding me here . I am going to choose a few locations in other cities , and possibly other states . I need to be in a new place , even if just for a little while . I love the mountains and the beach , and I feel like the Southeast is my home , so that narrows it down a bit . I want to visit places outside of my " home " , but for my first move away from my hometown of middle Tennessee , I don 't want to go so far that I can 't visit pretty regularly . It is comforting to kThe Chase Filed under : dating , life , relationships - desi83 @ 5 : 56 pm To continue my obsession with the Avett Brothers , Click on their official video of " I and Love and You " before reading this . We say these words all of the time , but they aren 't always genuine . We throw them around meaninglessly to friends who aren 't that close to us or lovers whose bodies we love and want to ravish , but would we really catch this person if they fell ? No , we 'd be too busy checking our facebook on our phone . We don 't really " love " most people we say those words to . Those words should mean something other than I love you … r body and the way it feels against mine . Or , I love … what I can get from you . I love … hanging out with you but don 't call me if you need help moving . So , I am now afraid of these words . I don 't want to hear them from anyone who can 't back them up , and I damn sure won 't say them if I can 't back them up . Recently a guy who I have dated off and on ( we have never committed because of distance and circumstances and well , he is a commitment phobe and a workaholic ) , drunkenly said these words to me several times . The first emotion this inspired was fear . I didn 't know what to say . He was drunk , so maybe he just felt affection for whomever was near him . But after all these years and after many drunken stupid nights , he says these words repeatedly . I just kept saying " no you don 't " . So , he said , " Fine , I hate you . " I of course reminded him of this as well as other embarrassing stories of the night , and his reply was , " Well , I do like you . And I said I hate you because you didn 't appreciate my intentions . " He seemed embarrassed , and we proceeded to laugh about a story he told about a goat that kept getting weirder and weirder , and how he hugged some guy he doesn 't remember meeting . I am probably just being a girl about this , but I keep wondering why he is suddenly throwing around the L word , even it is in a drunken state . Hey , at least I didn 't say it back . I did realize that we doComments ( 2 ) March 23 , 2013 Filed under : angst , Blogging , dating , life , relationships - desi83 @ 2 : 34 am " You are too pretty to not be married . You 're not even engaged yet ? " " Do you have kids ? Really , why not ? " Yes , these are questions / comments that I 've gotten from well - meaning older ladies at the schools where I 've taught recently . Five years ago it was more like " Oh , you have plenty of time , there is no rush , " or " You don 't want to settle down too soon " . Now it 's like , hey , you 're headed towards spinsterhood , get a move on . I 've also noticed that if a person near my age is divorced , people understand that more than my being single . Even with shows like Friends , Happy Endings , New Girl , and a plethora of other shows about 30 somethings being single , the attitude is still the same . It 's time to get married and have children before your looks go and your eggs dry up . Actually , CiCi in New Girl did have that pressure and is now engaged because , in her Indian culture , it was time for her to meet and marry a suitable Indian man chosen by her parents . I got the impression that she was only into it because it was what was expected . Of course , that is another issue , and luckily my family doesn 't put a lot of pressure and expectations on me when it comes to marriage and kids . Every now and then they 'll complain about how I never date anyone they like , but that 's as far as it really goes . It 's mostly that I am feeling societal pressure , as well as pressure from every guy I 've dated since being in my late 20s . I don 't remember the last time I dated a guy without the expectation that the relationship could end up in marriage . Sheesh , talk about pressure . I wish I could just enjoy dating someone and getting to know them without talking about our future child 's name or where we want to live . We 've only been dating for a few months , I don 't even know if I like everything about your personality yet ! I admit , though , that I do get wrapped up in the idea at first . I think , well , I need to eventually get married anyway , and this guy wants to marry me , and he has a lot of good qualities and likes to take me to do fun things , so why not ? But then I find some annoying habit he has and I realize , wow , we still have a lot to learn about each other before we can even fathom spending a lifetime together . Phew , yeah , this is a bit jumbled , I have a lot on my mind . I 'm going to Las Vegas for my 30th birthday , but there will be no eloping this weekend . I 'm going to have fun with my guy , and I 'm living in the present while I do it . We 've literally had fights about hypothetical situations that would happen possibly if we were married . Then I got angry toward the end of the argument because I realized how preposterous the whole discussion was . I 'm taking the shades of possibility off of my face for now so that I can just be in the present with him and get to know him much more thoroughly . Because sometimes I think I 'd like to just live with my dogs and be done with it . Maybe I could find another loner who likes to just get together every couple of weeks and relieve our need for human companionship - I 'm talking about playing a good old fashioned game of Jenga , get your mind out of the gutter ; ) Filed under : Blogging , dating , life , relationships - desi83 @ 2 : 55 am Recently I had a realization that I am growing out of my idealism that people in this world are generally good and can be trusted . I got scammed out of a few hundred dollars because someone charming offered me what I thought sounded like a good opportunity . Details were left out of the contract with a footnote that read " see terms of use for more information " in tiny writing on the very bottom . I didn 't realize that I was getting locked into a year long contract that would automatically deduct money from my account every month for an entire year . It was a personal training service that I thought I could try for a month , and if I didn 't like it or didn 't want to pay for it anymore , I could just end it . Not so much , and there was a huge cancellation fee involved . Anyway , this occurance brought up memories of men who have deceived me , as well as people in professional situations or people I thought were friends . Through all of those deceptions , I still maintained that people were basically good and could be trusted . This scam , however , was like a smack in the face for me . I was extremely depressed for a couple of days , not just because I lost money ( in the general scheme of things , a few hundred dollars lost won 't matter years from now ) but because it was a realization that people are not generally to be trusted because people are selfish and will stomp on anyone to get what they want . I want to be idealistic and believe in love , trust , and harmony . But where does that get me ? If I had my guard up and asked more questions or did more research when the trainer talked to me about joining , I wouldn 't have ended up in that mess . But because I trusted that he was helping me and had my best interest at heart , I ended up in a money pit . Another problem with that contract - it auto renews after a year . So it was like an eternal contract . It was like selling one 's soul to the devil . In my new relationship , I find myself looking for red flags and questioning what he says and his intentions with me . It all sounds romantic and perfect , but he could leave me tomorrow , or he could be romancing someone else . I have given so much to past relationships that I have felt stripped down emotionally and completely exhausted . For what ? For a guy who probably didn 't care that much in the first place because he had his issues and was looking for someone to fix them . So , now I tread lightly into this , yet at the same time I do find myself getting wrapped up in the romance of it all . I let myself fall a little bit and enjoy being happy with him . However , I still have my guard up and won 't say the L - word too fast , because there are parts of me that he has yet to see , and I 'm sure he could say the same for himself . The point is , I 'm sad that my belief in the good in people has gone to the wayside , and I 'm just like my mother in terms of thinking of the worst case scnarios all the time . The first thing I noticed when I pulled into the parking lot of our apartment was her fluffy , white robe sprawled out onto the slightly snow - covered grass . What stood out , even in the darkness with only the dim street lights illuminating it , was the blood . It reminded me of her innocence ; the dark blood stained the pure white of her robe . I prayed that it was just red wine or tomato soup , and in her haste , she threw out the soiled material . Maybe it belonged to someone else . I only faintly remembered that robe . It was the first winter that we were together . We had spent that last winter as neighbors without even knowing it . To think , we were strangers less than a year ago . I got up the nerve to approach the red - soaked robe . I bent down to get a better glimpse of it . It looked and smelled like blood . I was careful not to touch it . I ran into the apartment while making bargains with a God that I wasn 't even sure existed . I wasn 't taking any chances for the worst . The smell of her lingered through the house - spaghetti and meat balls , homemade chocolate chip cookies that she 'd made recently , and her sweet pea body spray were the smells of our home together . " Baby , are you home ? " I tried to sound casual . " Are you asleep already ? " I asked with all the hope I could muster . I burst into the room with my eyes squeezed shut , as if I could cast some spell to bring her into the room , safely asleep . I slowly opened the door to find an empty , unmade bed . I remembered why it was so untidy - no more like destroyed ! I woke her up to make love at seven in the morning because she looked so beautiful while she slept . I grabbed the blanket and held it , wishing it were her . Maybe she was at her parents ' house or out with her friends . I grabbed my phone and hit two on speed dial . I could faintly hear a ring coming from the bathroom . I slowly turned the knob , fearing that I 'd see her mangled body slumped over the tub . I only found her phone ringing serenely on the bathroom counter . I pressed end on my phone and dialed 911 " 911 , what 's your emergency ? " a cold voice answered . " I think something has happened to my girlfriend . Her bloody robe is in our front yard . Her phone is here , but she is missing , " I explained in between sobs . " What is your location ? " the cold , monotone voice inquired . " 508 Lincoln Boulevard , apartment A5 , " I answered . " I 'll send an officer , " she said almost reluctantly . " Thank you , " I said somewhat sarcastically . I sat in the yard staring at the robe . That 's when I noticed the flip flop that seemed familiar lying on the sidewalk . Why had she been outside in her robe and flip flops ? I gasped . " Ralph ! " I couldn 't believe it took me this long to remember that the damn dog was missing , too . She had probably taken him for a short walk . I looked up and noticed her car parked on the other side of the parking lot sitting right beside the dumpster . The pieces were coming one by one , leading me to believe more and more the worst possible scenario As I stood beside the robe , careful not to touch it in fear of tampering with evidence , I stared at her car and realized that would be a good thing to investigate . Just then , I saw the blue lights , and an officer stepped out of the cruiser . The last time I was in a scene like this , I was getting my first DUI , so I was still a little nervous around cops and those menacing blue lights . " Did you make the call about a missing woman , sir ? " he asked sternly , officially . " Yes , sir . This robe belongs to my girlfriend , and I have not seen her since I 've been home , " I stated . His eyes widened , and he pulled out a notepad and pen and began scribbling down notes . " Are you sure this belongs to her ? " he asked . I 'd only seen the robe a few times , but I remembered it now , just lying on the sofa a few days ago . " Yes , sir , " I answered nervously . " Do you live with her ? " the officer inquired . " Yes , we live right there in that apartment , A5 , " I answered , pointing to our apartment . " What is your girlfriend 's name ? " he asked , suddenly looking up at me . " Callista , or Callie Stokes , " I answered . " How old is Callie ? " he asked . " She is twenty - three years old , " I answered . " Describe her to me please , " the officer asked as he studied his notepad , quickly jotting down notes . " She has long blond hair , bright blue eyes , suntanned skin , and she is about one hundred and ten pounds . I think she 's around 5 ' 4 , " I described . " Okay , that just sounds like every man 's dream girl . Are you also going to tell me that her measurements are 36 - 24 - 36 ? " he asked . I shrugged my shoulders and blushed . She was every man 's dream girl , but she really was my girl . " Does she have any distinctive features ? " he asked , shaking his head . I thought about it for a moment . " She has a Marylin Monroe freckle on her face , four piercings in each ear , and a tattoo of the Aries sign on her left hip , " I described thoroughly . " Okay , that 's something I can use in the investigation . Now , tell me where you ' " Is there anything else that you would like to add that could help lead us to Callie ? " McAllister asked , attempting to wrap up the intense interview . " Yes , her car is still in the parking lot right beside the dumpster , " I said as I pointed toward the car . He squinted as he scribbled more notes in his notepad . " Also , her dog is missing and her flip flop is in the grass right beside the robe - just one flip flop , " I added . The officer nodded and wrote it down . Just then , two detectives arrived and began collecting the robe and the flip flop and put them in a scientific - looking plastic bag labeled " forensic evidence " . " So , from the evidence and the scene that we have before us , it is likely that Callie was walking her dog in her robe and flip flops . Someone could have grabbed her during the walk . Is her dog aggressive at all ? " Officer McAllister inquired . " No , he 's just a big teddy bear of a dog , " I said regretfully . " Was anything missing from the house ? " he questioned . " No , nothing was taken . It looks as though Callie could still be here , but she 's not . I 've checked every room , " I answered . I started shaking and choking back tears . I had to keep it together for Callie 's sake . " Hmmm , normally if someone is assaulted or killed at their residence by a stranger , it is a result of a robbery . Do you know if she was in contact with anyone this evening ? " McAllister speculated . " It 's a week - day , so she probably came straight home from school , grabbed a couple of beers and graded papers all evening by herself , " I answered confidently . " When did you last see Ms . Stokes ? " McAllister asked . " I kissed her goodbye this morning before she left for work , " I answered nostalgically . " What time did you go to work , Mr . England ? " McAllister questioned with an accusatory stare . " I work at one - thirty five days a week , " I answered , annoyed . McAllister quickly jotted down some notes then suddenly looked back at me . " Can you think of anyone who may have paid her a visit or whoI decided to try and get more sleep , as difficult as it was with my mind going in several different directions . I lay down with Ralph at the foot of our bed and stared at the ceiling . I couldn 't help but start mentally investigating Callie 's disappearance . What hadn 't I checked ? I checked her car , Travis 's apartment , the front and back yard , but Ralph was my only clue . I jumped up and ran into the living room and snatched up Callie 's phone . I pushed the call history button and noted that her friends Jamie and Miranda had called a half an hour before I arrived home . I definitely needed to tell the detective about that . I noticed an unfamiliar number on her received calls list . There was no name with it , and it was made almost an hour before I had arrived at the apartment . So , she answered the call from the mystery caller , but she had missed her best friends ' calls . I remembered that Callie kept an address book in her dresser . So , I dug it out and flipped through it . After reading through familiar names and numbers , I discovered that the mysterious number was there with a name beside it … John Chang . Who was John Chang , and why was he calling my girlfriend at ten o ' clock at night ? I decided that I would call him in a couple of hours when it was an almost decent time to call someone . I stared at the ceiling holding her phone in my hand with the address book open beside me . Could this be an old boyfriend ? Maybe it was a work colleague or wrong number ? I looked at it again . The call had lasted twenty minutes . I strained my brain trying to remember if Callie had mentioned a guy named Chang , but no one came to mind . I finally decided to try calling John Chang . I struggled to dial each digit , then I hung up . I was not prepared for this . What if she was seeing this man behind my back ? I had to find out in case he knew something that I didn 't . If she was cheating , would I even care what happened to her ? Yes , damn it , no matter what I wanted to know that she was alive and well . I dialed the number once more , and it began to ring . My heart began to pound with that first ring . Six more times it rang before it went to voice - mail . " This is John Chang , you know what to do , " said a deep voice with a southern accent . Strange , I thought Chang was an Asian name , but the voice did not sound like it came from an Asian man . I suppose that is being ethnocentric , but still . Chang , an Asian name , Chinese , I think . Then , a memory popped in my head . " Come over here , Jake , " Callie ordered flirtatiously . " Yes ma ' am , " I teased back . She began kissing my face and neck , and suddenly she started tickling me . I grabbed her and threw her on the couch and pinned her down so I could retaliate , but she started gasping for air and kicking me . It was the horrible fear in her eyes that stopped me . I stopped tickling her , but I stayed on top of her and threw my hands up . " I 'm sorry Callie , whatever I did ! Did I hurt you ? " I panicked . " No , you 're fine , it 's just that … ( she sighed and looked down averting her eyes from me ) I was reminded of a bad memory when you pinned me down . It has nothing to do with you , " she reassured me . I climbed off of her , and we both sat up on the couch . " What was it , the bad memory ? " I asked . " Well , the guy that I was engaged to during college was kind of abusive . I mean , he didn 't beat me or anything , but he was controlling , verbally abusive , and he shoved me down a couple of times during arguments . I still have nightmares about him , and I hate to say it , but every time that I see a muscular Chinese man , I get a chill up my spine because I think it might be him , " Callie revealed . I knew from that memory exactly who John Chang was . I wanted to know why the fuck he was calling my girlfriend the night she disappeared with her bloody robe still lying on the lawn , or really why was he calling her at all ? I looked through the rest of her call list , and there was a missed call from John on Monday and Tuesday . She hadn 't called him back , but I noticed that her text inbox and outbox were empty . Had they been texting and she just erased the messages ? No , why would she ever want to talk to that jerk again ? Had this been going on for awhile ? I couldn 't believe that she could keep any secrets from me . That 's what I loved about our relationship . We were brutally honest with each other about everything . Why would she hide her communication with her crazy ex all of the sudden ? I just needed to find this John guy to get some answers . I threw on a sweatshirt and my slippers and searched the living room for my keys . I grabbed them out of the pile of junk on the coffee table and bolted out of the parking lot with Callie 's address book open to the page with John Chang 's information . His street name was scribbled below his name , and I knew exactly where it was . I would knock on every door until I found him . What was I going to say ? " Hey , I 'm Jake , Callie 's boyfriend . So did you kill my girlfriend last night ? " It wouldn 't be easy , but I was going to find out the truth somehow . I pulled into the subdivision and quickly found the street . I drove into the culdesac and parked . I knocked on the first door , and an elderly woman answered the door . She said that she did not know a John Chang . I continued down the street knocking on each door that I came to . No one seemed to know who John Chang was . I guess he kept to himself - typical of a crazy abusive ex - girlfriend killer . I was about to give up when I saw a red Silverado truck pull into a driveway of a house that I had checked earlier , and no one had answered the door . I sank down in my seat and watched as short , muscular Asian man with short black hair climbed out of the truck . He was wearing tight Wrangler jeans , work boots , and a plain black t - shirt . He definitely looked like he went with the voice I 'd heard on his voice - mail . He walked with his southern swagger into his large two - story brick house . The yard looked professionally landscaped , and I could see a large crystal chandelier from the glass covered / gold embroidered front door . This guy had money . He could have easily paid someone to hide a body . I was still laying low in my car , probably looking pretty damned suspicious in this neighborhood . I inhaled and exhaled my fear slowly , and I opened my door . I rolled my shoulders and began walking up to the front door of the man who may have killed my Callie , or at least roughed her up during their relationship . I was going to have to be calm if I wanted answers . I rang the door bell , and this smug , southern - born Asian man opened the door . " Um , can I help you ? " he asked , annoyed . He had this evil in his eyes . Some people just exude goodness or evil through their eyes , and you just know it by looking at them . I lost it . " Are you John Chang ? " I asked , shaking . " Yeah , what is wrong with you ? " he asked . It was obvious that I hated this man I didn 't even know . " Where the fuck is my girlfriend ? " I shouted . " Who the fuck are you , and why would I know anything about your girlfriend ? " he asked as he stepped closer to me , sticking out his chest . He was a few inches shorter than I , but he made up for it in physique . He could probably take me in a fight , but I didn 't care . " Her name is Callie Stokes , and I believe you have a history with her , " I said as I glared at him with only two inches between us . He laughed . I shoved him . " Dude , you need to back off . I can 't fight you , " he said , but he looked like he wanted a fight . " Why are you laughing , man ? Do you know what happened to her ? " I asked , shaking furiously . " Callie and I have been talking . I called her a few weeks ago to see how she was . I think she misses me a little bit , and now I see why , " he said as he looked me up and down . " What have you done with her ? " I growled in his face . He pushed me back . " I haven 't seen her since we split . We just talked on the phone and on facebook chat . I wanted to meet up with her , but she said she didn 't know if it was a good idea , " he explained . " Not a good idea ? You abused her . You shouldn 't be talking to her or even thinking about her . She told me what you did , " I said , angry at both at them . " I didn 't do shit . She would scream and holler and push me . I had to restrai " Okay , that is definitely a lead . Next time , please call me or the department before you go interrogating people on your own . Do you have any other leads or possible suspects ? " " Yes , I do actually . Last night , I found Callie 's dog . He 's an inside dog , and Callie takes him for walks a couple of times a day . My neighbor , Travis , had him in his apartment . I went over there at about 4 am to ask him about his stalker , and there was Ralph in his apartment . I 'm not sure if or when he was planning on telling me that he found Ralph . Oh , and his stalker - he said there was a person peeking through his window , and Callie 's windshield was cracked recently . Also , some personal items were stolen from his car . He said the person peeking through his window had on a green hoodie . " " Okay , I 've got all this written down . I 'll question John Chang and Travis O ' Hare about what you 've told me . In the meantime , please just get some rest and come to me with any other leads or evidence . " McAllister hung up the phone , and I slumped down into the kitchen chair . I started thinking about responsibilities . My world stopped when I found Callie 's bloody robe . It was difficult to comprehend trying to go about life right now - dinner , taking care of Ralph , cleaning the apartment , going to work , or brushing my teeth right before I crawled into that huge , cold , empty bed . The thing is , Callie took care of most of the responsibilities . I went to work , and that was about it . She walked Ralph , cooked dinner , did the laundry , cleaned the apartment , and kept up with our finances . She was so smart and put - together . I have been in the recovery process since we met . I was addicted to opiates when we first met . I was a total mess , and she saved me with her tough love . She told me that she wouldn 't associate with me if I didn 't quit the pills . " Associate " was her word . I tried , but it 's not like someone can just stop an addiction all at once . She would find my pills and flush them down the toilet . My friends would come over " We didn 't ' fall asleep together ' , " I corrected . " He 's not someone to turn to right now , " McAllister warned . " What business of yours is it who I turn to right now ? " I demanded . McAllister shook his head . " All I 'm saying is that I need you to keep it together if you want to find Callie . I spoke with John Chang , " he revealed . " What did he say ? Do you think he had anything to do with it ? Do you know why he and Callie were talking ? " I asked all at once . " His alibi didn 't check out . So , I 'm going to try to get a search warrant . Something strange is definitely going on with that guy . " " What was his alibi ? " " He said that he was at a bar right after work the night Callie went missing . I went to that bar , and no one remembered him . I watched the surveillance camera just in case he just went unnoticed , but I never saw him enter the bar . Considering that he spoke with Callie on the telephone within an hour of her disappearance , he is definitely a suspect now . So , we 're going to try to get a search warrant for his house and car . " " Thank you , Officer McAllister . Please let me know as soon as you find anything . So , did Travis tell you anything useful ? " McAllister rolled his eyes . " That guy is trouble , but I don 't know that he 'd hurt anyone . I 'm definitely keeping my eye on him , though . Don 't let him steer you the wrong way . You need to keep your focus and be someone she 'll want to come home to . " " You 're right . I 'm sorry about that . Well , keep in touch if you hear anything . " " I will . Behave yourself , and I 'll be talking with you again soon . " I went back into the apartment and took a shower . I stood there and let the hot water envelope me in its warmth and cleanliness . I breathed in the steam , and I thought about praying . I just couldn 't , though . God never seemed to be there for me in the past , so why should he care now ? I got out , dried off , and threw on some boxers and a t - shirt of mine that Callie used to wear to bed sometimes . It still smelled like her . I sat on the bed and opened the dresser drawer . I sat there staring at the bottle of pills , thinking it would be nice to sleep again . I knew that Callie would be hurt if she saw me take them . Yet , if she never returned to me , what would be the point ? I put them in my hand and stared at them for a bit . I sighed , then I dumped out a couple and swallowed them . I at least chased them with water this time . I laid down on top of the blankets and stared at the ceiling , wondering if she 'd ever lie beside me again . Then my thoughts drifted to John Chang . That conceited son of a bitch might have been touching her behind my back . Worse than that , he might have killed her . Strangely , it wouldn 't be as bad if he just killed her than if he got her love first . I had always thought of her as innocent , a victim in a bad relationship that anyone could have ended up with . I didn 't want to think that she could touch someone else besides me . If he did touch her , I 'd kill him with my bare hands . I 'd strangle him and look into his eyes as I watched him die . Just one word from the police that there is evidence that John hurt Callie , and he would be a dead man at my hand . Chang was " legally a dangerous weapon " because of his martial arts training , so I 'd have to find him in the dead of night in the quiet darkness of his room while he lay unaware of my presence . I could softly walk into his room with a needle of sedative that I could get from Travis . Once he was barely conscious , I could put my hands around his neck and press down , watching as his breath and heart beat left him , and he lay limp under my haWait by the door and light a cigarette I knelt down by his bedside and carefully took out the needle and the tiny bottle . I prepared the sedative and looked up at this villain who stole my love away from me so discreetly and deceptively in the night like a stealthy tom cat using his nocturnal nature as his advantage . I was the stealthy tom cat now . I was the one using the darkness to commit my crime . I stared at him for a moment , and I felt a hatred for him that I had never felt for anyone before or after this moment . I studied him , trying to decide where it would be best to pierce his skin and thus steal away his power . I took notice of his neck . He had a slender yet strong neck . It would be an easy target , and I figured the medicine would go to his brain quicker through his neck than , say , the arm or the leg . I slowly , quietly reached his neck with the needle , and I pressed down . For a moment , I saw his eyes widen , and he grabbed my hand . He squeezed my wrist , crushing the bones beneath his fingers . I howled in pain , and then seconds later , his eyes closed and his grip relaxed . He dropped my hand , and I held my broken wrist in my other hand . I grunted from the pain , but I couldn 't stop now . I had to finish my act of revenge , with or without a right hand to assist me . I decided under the circumstances , that smothering him with a pillow might be the easiest way to enact the punishment . So , I reached over his head , grabbed the pillow beside him with my left hand , and placed it over his face . I pressed down , but it was difficult to press down hard enough with just one hand . So , I picked up my right arm and placed my right elbow onto the pillow . I held my breath to stop myself from screaming from the pain . I pressed onto the pillow with my hand and my elbow , and I suddenly felt him shake and struggle against my body as I lay across him . However , because of the sedative , his struggle was weak . After a short moment , I felt his body go limp beneath me . I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief . I gathered the needle and sedative and put them in my po " What are you saying , Travis ? " I asked calmly with fire burning through my eyes as I looked at him . " What did you do ? " He started fidgeting and moaning . " Answer me . I killed him tonight . Did you hear me ? I thought I was avenging my girlfriend 's death . Tell me I didn 't kill him without a reason , " Travis put his hands on his head and began rocking back and forth . I approached him and whispered to him . " Travis , I need you to be honest with me right now . If you love me as a friend , you need to tell me the truth , " I said soothingly . " I stopped her . I stopped her from making a fool out of you . I watched him leave , and I saw her come out of there wearing nothing but a bath robe walking Ralph around the yard . She had this stupid smile on her face like she 'd just had a wonderful time . I was outside smoking a cigarette , and I hid in the shadows in the corner between our apartments . I tried to catch a glimpse of guilt in her eyes , but it wasn 't there . Under that robe , it was just Callie , naked , covered in his smell , spit , and fluids . It was disgusting . I have never felt a hatred like that in my life before or after that moment . I felt in my pocket for my knife . You see , ever since that person started stalking me , I have been carrying a knife for protection . I approached her , and I said hello . She asked me why I was talking to her . I mean , she stole my best friend , and she can 't even be polite to me as a neighbor . So , with a stealth quickness I grabbed her neck and stabbed her several times in complete madness until she collapsed in my arms . I fell onto the ground holding her , and it began to snow . These giant snow flakes began falling on us , and for a moment , it was beautiful . I slipped off the robe , and I took her limp , naked body into my car . I took her away where no one could find her , and I got some clothes from the trunk of my car and changed in the alley . No , not an alley near her , somewhere else . I stopped at the store and got some booze and more cigarettes , and I drove back to the apartmeI sat in total shock as he confessed his devious crime of hate , just trying to absorb the truth of it all . I had killed because of her . He had killed because of her . Yet , I did not blame her or hate her . I didn 't know whether or not I truly regretted killing John Chang , since he did make love to and abuse my girl . Rubber gloves . I suddenly realized that I did not wear them when I murdered John Chang . The dirt on his carpet - it was probably from my shoes . There was no dirt anywhere else in his perfectly vacuumed and dusted house . Those were merely passing thoughts as I stared at Travis , trying to figure out what to do or what to think . " Where is she ? " I asked as my eyes teared up . " I can 't tell you that , " Travis answered . " WHERE IS SHE ? " I shouted . He shook his head . I took out the flathead screw - driver with my left hand , jumped on him , and brandished it over his throat . " Tell me now , " I demanded . " I can 't do that . If you kill me , you 'll never know , " Travis said in a shakey voice . " You know what , it doesn 't even matter . Either way she is gone , and either way you took her from me , " I said through sobs . " She was never yours anyway . She fixed you into what she thought you should be , and then she became bored with you . That 's what she does . She liked Chang because he was messed up . She thought she could change him into a better person . She had to be stopped so that you could go back to living your life as yourself , " Travis reasoned . " You killed my girl , my reason for living and breathing and enduring this stupid world , " I shouted as I plunged the screw - driver into his throat . Blood spurted out of his jugular as I stabbed and stabbed down as deep and hard as I could . His eyes continued to stare at me as I cried on my best friend 's shoulder . Leave a Comment October 7 , 2012 Filed under : life , relationships - desi83 @ 6 : 13 am Being unemployed has been kind of awful , and not even for financial reasons . I haven 't run out of money yet . It 's just very difficult for me to function without a schedule . When I don 't absolutely have to be anywhere , there 's no reason to go to bed at a reasonable hour . There 's no reason to get up in the a . m . I don 't have a real plan when I do get up , and when someone needs something or wants to hang out , I do it because I have all of this time . This is what I wanted for so long - free time . Now , my only purpose is to be there when someone needs me for something . I 'm there to listen , because God knows I don 't want to talk about myself . I went to a concert the other night . A concert ! It used to be that I never had time for such a thing . There have been dozens of concerts that I have missed because of work . I went , and I had a good time dancing to the music with some friends around me that I don 't see all that often . Trampled by Turtles played their modern style of bluegrass pop or whatever you want to call it . It was great . Everyone was stomping their feet , slapping their thighs , and dancing with their elbows out . It should have been a freeing moment for me . It was in a way . But my brain is always in this fog . I never am a hundred percent sure that I really am here , existing . I always know in the back of my mind that I don 't belong here . But I tried to enjoy it anyway . The air was cool and dry , the music was fun and bursting with all of these different sounds . Everyone around me was happy and enjoying the moment . Then , I met another friend there who was with some people I don 't know very well . One of the girls , whom I think he might be sort of dating , asked me what I do . I said , " nothing , " because that is the truth . Then I gave my generic explanation : quit crappy retail job and going back to school to teach . Ugh . Then last night , I hung out with a friend I don 't see that often and her husband . They 're buying their first house in another city . She 's expecting their first child after the doctors said she may not be able to conceive . They 're both nurses who love their jobs and have pretty good salaries . They are living their life together , and it is full of happiness with so much more to come . I am so delighted to see that her dreams have come true . I never saw her as the marrying type , and certainly not the type to want a baby . Yet , that nurturing and self - less part of her personality has continually grown bigger and bigger as she 's gotten older . I am happy to see that she is having a good life . I was telling my mom about my friend and her good fortune , and she reminded me that the pressure is on for me to find a good man with a good job like all my friends . It is true - they 're all either almost married or are married to wonderful , successful men . I don 't know where I belong , and I would like to find a way to explore other places and try new things , but right now I am having to figure out a way to survive . What job can I get that won 't make me want to shoot myself every day ? Retail management drained every bit of creativity and sense of pride that I ever had in myself . So , for now , I guess I will try teaching again , and maybe I can find a way to do writing on the side . Because the fact is , I cannot function without a schedule . I need stability , and I have not had much of that since college . Tomorrow is another day , and next week is another week , and all of these days are just wasted . PagesWelcome to the portal to my mind ; try not to get lost ! I am a writer , a reader , a teacher , a thinker , a hiker , and a wearer of many hats . Enjoy and share your thoughts with me if you like . |
Why whenever we are on a good streak does it come to a screeching halt ? Maybe I am just overly sensitive , but I am so mad right now . For over a year I have been searching for a specific table and bench set for our kitchen . I look on craigs list at least once or twice a week for it and have found them for sale between $ 200 and $ 500 . Yesterday I found it for under $ 75 . 00 . Not only that but today we had the money . All our bills are paid and things are looking good . Well , except for the no job thing . We are in a better financial state than we have been in a long time . We go to look at the table and he before we even get there tells me it is probably a pice of junk . OMG , we haven 't even seen it and already he is negative . I asked him to please hold judgement until we see the table . We get there and I sit down on a nice steady stable bench . The table isn 't great but the bench is in perfect shape . It is what I needed the most . I would have bought a bench separately if I found it for sale . He looks at me and signals that it worth the money and so I agree to buy it . We go to my brother 's house because he is going to help us move it and nothing indicates that he is upset about the deal . As far as I know everything is fine , no problems or complaints . Well , after he and my brother move it and the boys talk about the price , they decide it is no longer a good deal and now it is my fault for pressuring him into agreeing to buy it . This really irritates me and of course we end up having a huge fight . I hate when he does this too me . It is a constant pattern and you would think that I would expect it , but it always surprises me and it always infuriates me . Not that I need permission to spend money but we always talk about large price items together before we buy them . When it is something he wants - usually sports tickets - we talk about it and agree to it , he buys the tickets and everything is fine . When I want something - usually for the house or kids - we talk about and I thick we agree and are on the same page . I then go aPosted by Last year on the day that P 's soccer photos were taken my husband and I had a horrible fight . I wanted a couple different photos and he didn 't want any of them . There was no compromise offered and we at each other 's throats . It was such a bad fight that I cringed when the photo packages sheets were passed out for soccer photos this year . With D being out of work and two children on the soccer team I was sure there would be a repeat of last year . Somehow we managed to avoid that scenario from happening . We still didn 't totally agree on what we wanted to order . We managed to talk it out civilly and each one of us gave a little . I think that is why it turned out okay this year . No ultimatum was shoved at either one of us . He didn 't want two pennants purchased , I didn 't want no pennants to be ordered so we decided on one hoping that B ( who really doesn 't seem that into a team pennant ) will not freak out . Instead of individual photos and sports card for each child I compromised and only ordered the sports cards . He didn 't freak out when he found out I wrote two checks instead of one . I was real impressed with that one . I know he has a hard time with multiple transactions to keep track of . The photo 's were taken , no arguing , it was very nice . I can only hope that somehow out of all our problems something is changing and we are starting to work through our differences . Hopefully we can go back to being a happy married couple again someday . I can have dreams , right ? It is official my son is obsessed with bowling . When he wakes up in the morning the first thing he asks is " When does the bowling alley open ? " Once he knows when it opens it is an endless countdown until it opens . Once the lanes are open we have to be there before too many people are there . B enjoys it too , but not nearly as much as P . She is happy doing an activity with the family and really I think couldn 't care less about bowling . She is happy if she gets a gutter ball or if she gets some pins down . Heck she is entertained if the ball gets stuck and the guy behind the counter has to rescue her ball from the lane . P 's goal while bowling is to have the high score . He is learning to aim the ball better to get strikes and spares . He understands the difficulty of various types of splits . He is even learning the terms of the game . He approaches this like any other sport , he wants to be the best at the game . B I think is the opposite . Her goal is to be entertained while bowling . She dances and looks cute . Her talent seems to be getting the ball to roll in reverse . I first saw her do this the other day and somehow when we bowl I know that at least one roll of the ball will stop and come back to her like a yo - yo . Today she did it twice , much to our amusement . It is amazing to watch . She pushes the ball off ever so slowly . It looks like it will stop any second because it rolls so slow . About halfway down the lane the ball stops and then starts moving again , this time back towards B . She of course is waiting patiently for the ball to come back to her . After what seems like an eternity the ball is back in B 's hands and we are left shaking our heads . The best part is that I know it will happen again . Now P has his own little tricks that he preforms . He has bowled his ball down the gutter while the bumpers were up . It was like the ball rode the bumper like a train on train tracks . Today was another first for me . He somehow managed to get one of the bumpers to fall down and then his ball stopped halfway to the pins in the gutter . I will be visiting the bowling lanes a lot this summer . I am sure I will have more tales to tell about the children 's and my adventures in bowling . Hopefully my game will improve and I will break into the triple digit scores . When the doors opened the car would rock and P thought that we were floating . I love how he puts things together . I could see how he thought that , after all we couldn 't see the wheels from inside the car . I was really proud of both children . They held our hands when we were in the large crowds and followed our instructions to our seats very carefully . They even didn 't get scared with all the dinosaur roars . Though the roaring was not as loud as I thought it would be . The best part of the show was when the baby T - Rex came out . There was a huge build up and then the drapes opened and this little T - Rex came out . Of course it was even better when his mommy showed up . I wish I could see it again , it was worth the cost . Though if there is a next time I am going to try to sit in the lower seats . It was good from the nosebleed seats and I know it must be fantastic from the lower seats . P was trilled when he saw the dinosaurs . He was literally on the edge of his seat . B was so cute , she was telling everyone that the dinosaurs were not real , they were robots and they couldn 't hurt us . She was al smiles for most of the show . Though near the end she needed to walk around a little bit . A four year old eventually has to move around even when facing dinosaurs from millions of years ago . We took P to the driving range this week . He has always wanted to go and it just hadn 't happened before . Well , it turns out that he is quite good at hitting that little dimpled white ball . This is yet another sport that he is good at ; Hockey , Baseball , Bowling , Soccer and now Golf . His father is so proud , I 'll admit that I am too . He really seems to have a talent for any sport that he tries . I love watching the joy on his face as he is participating in any sport . Tonight he had a soccer game and managed to get six goals . In four games he has scored twenty goals . He even is playing defense and keeping the other team from scoring . B tries to love the sports . She participates and gives it a good try but her passion lies elsewhere . When we bowl she starts out okay and will decide to stop bowling somewhere in the middle of a game . She is on the soccer team too and today was the first game she managed to play on her own . Usually she latches on to daddy and won 't let go . Today she wanted to go to the driving range with P . She tried and just isn 't coordinated enough for it yet . So she entertained herself as only she can do . She is our Diva . When the camera is out she wants photos taken of her in various poses . She is like this at four , I can 't even imagine what she will be like in her teen years . It is amazing how different two children can be when they are growing up in the same environment . P is all about the sports and B is all about the glamour . Mommy however is all about the love . How sad is it when your six year old beats you at bowling in both games that are bowled ? Of course to make it worse he even announced that he was going to do that before we started the games . It may have been a while since we last bowled together , but he still remembers that he won more often than not . We signed the children up for free bowling this summer . They can have two free games each day . There was an option for the adults to pay for a discounted bowling pass for the same length of time . So our whole family is going to be bowling this summer . I even bought myself a cheap pair of bowling shoes and ball off craigslist . My next mission is to purchase a pair of bowling shoes for my son . Then we will really be saving a lot of money by not paying for shoe rentals . We got to the bowling lane today about 2 p . m . and the parking lot was empty . I was really concerned that the lanes were closed . Then I looked at the hours . At first I looked at the wrong date and for a moment was convinced they were closed . However my oldest had stepped on the magic self opening doors and found his way in . He asked the man behind the counter if they were open and it was happily announced that they were . It was a ghost town in the lanes . We were the only customers there and I felt bad that we had coupons for free bowling . Well , I had to pay for his shoes so they would make some money off us . Money , Yikes I had left my purse at home . I dreaded the thought of getting the kids in the car for a side trip home and back to fetch my forgotten purse . The man behind the counter came to my rescue by allowing me to use the phone . He even sold us pop knowing that I didn 't have the money , and that my husband was bringing it to me . P took off one shoe and put on a bowling shoe took a step or two and did the same with the other foot . I know this because his sneakers were left in a trail . If he had more feet than two there would have been a long line of sneakers behind him . B was allowed to bowl in her shoes because her feet were too small for the rental shoes . Now I put my new slightly used bowling shoes on and P wouldn 't believe that they were bowling shoes because they looked like sneakers . Only when I showed him the soles of the shoes did he see the difference , The game started and he was so excited that he felt that he should help his sister . OF course he is helping her because he wants to bowl more . Watching the two of them bowling in unison was adorable . If only they could work that well together more often . She let him help for the first few frames but then she wanted to do it herself . This was almost as entertaining as both of them bowling together . She would run up to the lane , per her brother 's instructions . Then stop and gently place the ball on the ground centered on the lane and push . Then came the wait . The long eternal wait for the ball to get to the pins . At first she managed to get gutter balls which is an accomplishment because we were using bumpers . Better yet was when the ball went so slow that it started going in reverse . I had never seen that before . P had his own unique style to his bowling . He would run up to the lane and launch the ball up and out . It wasn 't a roll as much as it was a throw . The sound made me cringe . It sounded like the ball would break through the lane with a huge crash . He would often slide and fall on his butt . Even with his odd way of bowling he still managed to get better scores than both me and B . I am blaming my low score on the new bowling ball . I kept getting my fingers stuck in the holes . There was actually a popping sound that was made when I released the ball . So I am going to have to have them re - drilled at some point this summer . The ball return also really liked my ball . It would get almost up to the ball holder but not quite . You could see it inside of the hole almost all the way up but not quite . So I had to use a second ball ( with better finger holes ) to get my ball to pop out of the ball return . We bowled our two games and then the kids suckered me into buying them an ice cream treat . We had a nice afternoon and are looking forward to many more days like today . Luckily the lanes started getting more bowlers by the time we left so it made paying the $ 2 . 50 total easier for me . We are planning on going back on Thursday before we see Walking With Dinosaurs . Bowling in the afternoon will give us some family fun this summer . I overhear my children playing today . They are playing school and my son is the teacher . " Class today we are going to learn the difference between 1 and - 1 . 1 is one number above zero and - 1 is one number under zero . " Wow he is just finishing first grade . I know I didn 't learn about negative numbers this early when I went to school . He then continued on to 2 and - 2 . He really seems to understand the concept and I love that he is trying to explain it to my four year old . Next he announces that it is time for science . He then draws on the board a science experiment they did in school a couple months ago when they made clouds in a jar . I posted the picture above . The jar has water in it at the bottom and a metal ( pink ) lid . On top of the lid are two ( blue ) ice cubes . Inside the jar you can see a cloud forming . Now they are having recess in the back yard . Then of course it is lunch time ( actually dinner , but who is counting ) . He is excited that I am going back to school to be a teacher . I remember playing teacher as a child and my younger brother or my dolls were my students . The cycle is repeating and it makes my day . My mom called me tonight and offered my family a dream come true . Okay it may not be a huge dream but it is a dream none the less . She is taking us to see " Walking With Dinosaurs " . As soon as I heard that it was coming to my area I have been trying to justify the cost . After Dennis lost his job I just put the thought out of my mind . It was so hard to see the commercials and her the pleas of the children to go see the show . Tonight I got to tell them that we are going . I don 't know which day yet or what time , but hey our schedule is pretty open right now . It also gives us something to look forward to . Now I have to use the time between now and when we go to prepare the kids for loud large dinosaurs . How do you prepare them for something that you haven 't even experienced ? I expect that we will be doing laps around the arena a few times . Tonight after bedtime I was watching television when I heard my daughter scream and go hysterical . I thought she was hurt really bad . I of course went to her right away , she sounded so scared and I could see her face looked more scared than hurt . Often after bedtime they feign being hurt to get our attention . This was no act . She latches on to me and holds on real tight . She then announces that she is going to die . Okay now I need to find out what is going on and I ask her why she thinks that she is going to die . She finally manages to tell this story to me in between screams and sobs . Earlier in the day she hid her chocolate milk so P wouldn 't drink it . While I was watching TV in my bedroom she snuck out of her room and got her milk out of it 's hiding place . She drank some because she is thirsty and the milk is very warm . Well , she has heard us talk about warm milk going bad , and how spoiled food can make us very sick . So when she drank the milk and it was warm she panicked and figured that she was going to die . Oh was she so upset and scared . It took me a while to finally understand what happened and then to finally calm her down . She held onto me so tight . This really effected her . She finally settled down and went to bed . I bet she never hides her chocolate milk again . Today like always I opened up my son 's backpack when he got home from school . I pulled out his folder and since it is the end of the year I never know what I will find in it . Yesterday it was his art smock ( daddy 's old t - shirt ) today it was his yearbook and two awards that he earned . He has been in this school for two years and has not earned any of these awards before . I had know about them but I guess I had forgotten about them because he just never won them during any other month . The awards are given out every months and there are two or three different kinds . I however didn 't know they also had awards for academics . The first one I saw was pink ( you would think they would have found a different color since pink is associated with girls or girly things ) and said he had outstanding achievement in science ( mommy 's favorite school subject ) . Last month he has a science test that he had a perfect score on . Of course one of the topics the test covered was basic astronomy , another of mommy 's favorites . The second one was a Citizenship award - for being a good role model for other students at the school . I am ashamed to say that the thought of my son getting this award never crossed my mind . Though now that he has earned it I am very proud of him . He is a good role model . That is definitely worthy of an award . I can only assume the meds helped him earn these . He can pay attention better at school so his academics has improved . Other children have seen the change in his behavior . I know the teachers and Principal have noticed the difference in his behavior . I have the certificates ( and his yearbook ) in a safe place right now . I will add them to his school scrapbook . These are definitely memories I want to save . How come whenever I try to do something to improve our family he goes ballistic ? This week I found a website that will give you one free copy of your credit report a year . I have always wanted to see mine and try to clean it up . I have made money mistakes and some were so long ago that I just don 't remember who , when , where and how much any more . I have two children and in the future I would like to be able to better provide for them . I want to be able to get a decent job . I just want to better myself . So I was all excited that I finally had a way to get my credit report . I went online and printed it out and saw that most of the items on it were so small and I can get them paid off relatively quickly . So I tell him my plan . He wants to be reckless with his 501k and withdrawal it all . He wants to buy a car , maybe two . He doesn 't even have a job . That money was supposed to be for our future , not our present . We are having an argument because I ( the unresponsible one with money according to him ) would like to use about $ 1000 . 00 to get things paid off on my credit report . He ( according to him the one who is better with money ) wants to buy a two cars and sell my car to recoup some of the money . I think I just may go crazy this time . Of course neither one of us is flexible once we know the other one has a different plan . So we will butt heads about this . I can 't even think of a happy medium between us . It 's not like he can buy half a car . Whenever I do something major to improve myself he gets this pigheaded . Maybe he is afraid I will improve myself out of this marriage . That may actually come to pass if he keeps pushing me away . So now I am sitting here with a sore throat from yelling and a tear in my eye because it seems like we keep moving backwards . I am getting ready to go out for the afternoon and can only hope that he and I will both calm down and be able to talk about this instead of screaming at each other , All I can do right now is take deep breaths to calm down and remove myself from his vicinity . Somehow we wiPosted by A few months ago I discovered that AMC had Sensory Friendly movies for autistic children . I had never taken my son to the indoor movie theaters . We had been to the Drive - In movies which allow him the freedom to move around and make noise and he always managed to get a look at the projector room while we are there . The regular theater where people get upset if you whisper though I had never had the courage to take him there . He can 't watch a tv show without getting up and moving around the room flapping his wings . So when I found that AMC had this type of movie I was excited . Though my excitement was short lived . There were no movies near us that participated in the program . So I called our local AMC theater . I posted to my mommy groups to have people call the theater to encourage their participation in the program . I emailed my friends and family to encourage them to do the same . I emailed AMC and I even emailed the local theater to try to get them to participate in it . I did all I could to try to get the program here . Then this week I found out that they finally introduced the program in our area . Today my son and I walked in the theater and bought our tickets for UP . He wanted popcorn and pop , so I of course caved and spent the obscene amount of money for the traditional movie snacks . He was skipping next to me and flapping his arms because he was so excited . This was special Mommy and son time and he knew it . He was so excited he almost went into the wrong theater . We found the theater and I was pleased to see a fair amount of people in it . We sat in seats near the front of the theater and waited for the movie to begin . We chatted with the family behind us . Like us it was the first time she was able to take her son to the movies and they were so excited that they now could . The move started and the lights stayed on , the sound wasn 't deafening , the air conditioner wasn 't even making it as cold as it usually is . The best part was it wasn 't abnormally quiet . I actually found the noise from the audience pleasant to listen to while the movie was playing . It made it feel more homey . P at first couldn 't care less about the movie . He turned around watched where the movie was coming from . Half way through the movie a little boy came rolling down the aisle to the front of the theater and got up to do it again . Other children were starting to roam around and walk up to the screen . They were not in the way and they would look straight up at the base of the screen . Of course my son eventually joined in . He would pace back and forth between us and the screen flapping his wings and just as happy as he could be . Finally he got the courage to ask me if he could walk to the back of the theater to stand below the projection booth . He was comparing the views I think . He would watch from the back , from our seat and then right at the base of the screen . He would never be able to do this while going to a regular movie screening . I had a huge smile on my face because I could tell how happy he was . I would go between watching the movie , which was a pretty good movie , to watching him . I loved that he was enjoying himself at the movies and when I told him that Ice Age was playing next month and we could go back he was even more excited . On the way out of the theater we ran into the manager and thank him for having the sensory friendly films . I don 't know if my phone calls or emails had anything to do with the program coming here , so I will just think they did . Once a month P and I will have a date to go to the movies and lunch , our special time together . When your child needs extra help you do whatever you can to get them that help . My son needs help in school . He has asperger 's disorder . He is oversensitive to sound and touch , many tastes and smells . Often in a conversation when he is excited or making a point he will get so loud that he is yelling . He misses many social cues and in the month or so that he has been out of speech his articulation has noticeably slipped . Asperger 's falls under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorders . The difference is he is highly verbal and smart . Though I disagree with the latter . I have known several people with autism that were very smart . I go to his school district to get services for him that will help him in school . He is six weeks behind in his homework . Not because he doesn 't know how to do it , not because we don 't make him do it . He is behind because of the physical and mental struggle to get it done . We do it differently than the teacher is the largest part of it . Change is often met with resistance . When I ask for a way for him to get help in this school for doing his homework I am met with resistance . I am told the resource room is not a homework club . The meeting today was hard for me . Maybe because I pick up on other peoples emotions . Empathy sometimes gets the better of me . The emotions in the room were intense . Was it because we wanted him evaluated by the Committee on Special Education . He has had testing here and there but once we pulled it all together we could see holes . He did have an OT evaluation but not a sensory study . Whether he gets an IEP or a 504 doesn 't really matter to me as long as he gets support . I don 't care if he is to smart for special ed . That is part of having asperger 's He said a sentence before he was five months old . I am not worried about that . I don 't want him lost in the system like I was . I was tested for learning disabilities in third grade . I was borderline and no one bothered to check on me again . In sixth grade I was struggling with math and spelling . I couldn 't even get two or Posted by Tomorrow is the day I finally have a meeting about getting an IEP or 504 plan for my son . Because he has a neurological condition I am pushing for an IEP . The district is of course wanting a 504 . I admit I am still fuzzy on the difference . Sometimes I am so sure I get the differences and other times it is just a bunch of mixed up words . I am so grateful that I have and advocate going to the meeting who can help me understand what is going on and to make sure P gets a good education . I met with the educational advocate yesterday and I waled out of that three hour meeting ready to go . If only I could have had the meeting with the 504 committee then I would have done great . Now as reread my notes I am wondering why I wrote this or that and why is that word circled . It is amazing how much a difference a day makes . I got a phone call from the school psychologist he wanted the meeting to be earlier in the day . I have to admit he seemed a bit thrown off when I mentioned I had an advocate coming to ht meeting so it depended on her schedule . To be honest I was a bit annoyed by the request . It is less than 24 hours until the meeting . Just because I am a stay at home mom doesn 't mean I don 't have set plans . Of course I don 't . The plans I have revolve around the 504 meeting and are flexible . I am just to accommodating . This is my first step into the realm of special education . Last year I was told that he was to smart for special education and I let that comment fester for over a year . I know he needs accommodations , I just am unsure of what they are and how to get them . That is why I called the educational advocate . Still I am worried about tomorrow . I hope I don 't let them push me into a plan I don 't want or understand . I have been told to watch out for the school district , make sure the advocate doesn 't push to hard for things he doesn 't need . Watch out for this and watch out for that . I have prepared as best I can , or did I . Could I have done more homework and preparation ? Should I have called the advocate sooner ? How will all of this affect him ? Tomorrow is such a big day . I hope I don 't blow it . Adults who grow up with a disability that is undiagnosed find ways to adapt . That adaption might be loudness when they talk or yelling when they feel attacked or vulnerable . I learned that from my son 's education advocate . It helps me understand my husband better than ever before . Tonight yet again we had a conflict . I knew I had not done what I was accused of . He yelled and of course I rose to the bait and yelled back . I yelled back ! Had I just gone to the computer and looked at the screen before I reacted the argument wouldn 't have occurred . Had I walked to my computer and looked up the transaction before I reacted the argument would not have occurred . I cannot throw all the blame at him for our arguments . Eventually he did calm down and understood what happened and finally did apologize to me . It was my reaction to his action that led to this argument . Though his reaction was very accusatory and was designed as an attack . I need to stop taking the bait . So how do you learn to not take the bait ? How do I stop myself from reacting ? That has been how we have been with each other for such a long time that we seem on autopilot when we argue . I am going to have to relearn some behaviors to try to keep the peace . I am finding that I have two choices . I can walk away from the marriage or I can try to adapt . Since I have been looking at this as a person adapting to a handicap I find that I can start to adapt and work on improving our marriage . The handicap can be called ADHD or Hyperactivity , asperger 's or even Bob . It really doesn 't matter what it is called . Since I have been approaching our marriage with this disability kept in mind things have improved . I have put a lot of effort into it , I know I will have to put more effort in to improve it more . We are talking more , we are analyzing how we interact and we are learning to spend time together again . Hopefully in the near future we can start acting more like a married couple and less like brother and sister . Last night an amazing thing happened . We started to argue with each other and somehow we started talking . The argument started and it just became a conversation . We both discussed how we can improve our marriage rather than destroy it . The one thing I did differently is I came out of my room and went into the living room . I walked down our hallway intent on what I wasn 't sure . When I got into the living room the conversation was starting to get louder and instead of retreating or falling into the usual pattern of tearing into each other . I think I got frustrated and sat down on the couch . Once I was on the couch we just started to talk . He believes that because now he is going to get more sleep he will not snap at me as easily . I have noticed that our worse argument usually happen when he had six ten hour days in a row . Our worse argument ever was when he had to work thirteen days in a row . I feel though that I must point put that he and I are still awake . So I am not sure if the sleep will help because its sleep that we are not doing . The conversation was long . It lasted for at least an hour or two . The only reason it ended was I was falling asleep and went to bed . I again told him the two things he needs to concentrate on is to woo me again and show me respect . One problem is he just doesn 't remember how to be romantic . Once upon a time I had a 3x5 card file of things that I found romantic . I wrote them out so he could have a reference of things I liked so he would have ideas of what to do . I think I will start doing that again When we dated we had these long conversations all the time . He would do special things for me to surprise me . He used to be more romantic . I probably was as well . Since I can barely stand to be in the same room with him now I know I must be pulling away and more abrasive towards him . Not a good base for romance . So how do we get back to romance ? I truly believe if we could have the spark back that we had when we first together we could improve our marriage and be a better couple and better parents . I watch other couples and I see the twinkles in their eyes . I hear them laughing with each other . I want the romance back ! Today just wasn 't a good day . I tried to spend time with my husband . I thought it would be a good idea . I was wrong . He has had a bad few days , as have I . Today he wanted to buy rollerblades for our son . I thought that would be a bad idea . I wanted to save our money since no one in our house has a job right now . We were at odds with each other from the moment we got in the car to shop for the rollerblades . He wanted to buy a $ 50 . 00 pair , I was sure we could find them cheaper . Then he pulled the quality card . I hate when he assumes all lower priced items are poor quality . I admit it I got irritated way to fast . The day was going downhill fast . I just wanted to try a few different places and he was assuming the quality would be bad and so he wanted the $ 50 . 00 pair . So we managed to go to a few different stores and we finally compromised on a $ 30 . 00 pair . Still I was in a bad mood and we were snipping and sniping at each other . Somehow we have to learn to disagree with each other and not attack each other while we disagree . I just don 't know how to do it . One of the problems today was I forgot to take one of my meds . I think if I had taken it I could have controlled my emotions better . I can feel myself snapping and I know I ned to withdrawal from the situation we are in . I am learning to walk away before I make it worse . Now If I could get him to understand how counterproductive swearing at me when he is irritated at me is we might be able to make some headway to improving our relationship . Today I flat out told him two things he has to work on to improve our marriage . He has to woo me . I miss romance . He also has to respect me . When he is upset at me he is mean to me . He shows me no respect with his words or actions . He claims he doesn 't feel punished by our in house separation . I just want him to want to be with me again enough to change his behavior towards me . For over a decade he could be civil with me and make me weak in the knees . I just want more good days than bad ones . Is that too much to ask ? How come it always seems like when one bad thing happens another one seems to follow quickly on its heals . Yesterday Dennis lost his job and today the brakes on my car failed . At least I managed to steer the car away from the possible accident I was sure would happen . I was driving home from a couple errands I had to run when I saw the car in front of me stop . I stepped on the brake and my foot went down to the floor . Nothing happened ! I saw the car in front of me getting much closer and all I could think about was my daughter in the back seat . I didn 't want her hurt . In a split second I saw a way to swerve to the right and around the quickly approaching car in front of me . The tires of my car screeched and finally my car came to a rest , next to but well in front of the back of the car that was originally in front of me . Had I not been able to swerve around it I would have certainly collided with it . When I tried to drive and stop the car again I noticed that the brakes just were not working correctly . Luckily I was near the garage we take our cars to get repaired . I slowly made my way to the garage and Dennis came to meet me . I guess it was a good thing that he wasn 't working today . Now I know from the mechanic that the brake line was so corroded that it broke open . The second one was pretty bad too and also needed to be replaced . I have no idea why but Dennis only authorized the repair of the broken one . I had to explain to him that I wasn 't going to drive a car that could have the brakes fail while I was driving and that both brake lines would have to be replaced . He eventually saw the wisdom in replacing both lines . So the repair will cost $ 500 . 00 and we are so thankful for that severance package . We will manage to get through the summer . He will eventually get another job . I just wish we could catch a break and have something good happen to us soon . I am tired of being under the rain clouds . Something good did happen today . My baby girl had her graduation from nursery school . She was so proud of herself too . Please click on the title to see a video clip . Brace yourself there will be lots of photos , I am one of those mommies that takes photos of almost everything . The graduation started with the typical graduation march . The children walked into the room one at a time and most of them were all smiles . B did her typical smile with head tilted . Oh she is just too cute ! They did the Pledge of Allegiance . The flag was small and off to the side so some of the kids were facing one direction , others faced a different way and then others were looking at a different place . I totally understand , I had a hard time finding the flag . In fact most of the parents were looking at the graduates and I might have been one of the few facing the flag . I guess Cub Scouts is rubbing off on me . Her teacher read a beautiful poem called the ABC Farewell . The children had sound - effects or songs to sing at certain points of the poem . This was the best part , some children would sing , some would do the motions . They skipped a letter and had to go back . It was priceless . The children had songs specifically for Daddy and Mommy and the best was the Pizza Song . They all really enjoyed singing that song and they had the hand motions down pretty well too . She received her diploma from her beloved teacher , she even shook her teachers hand when she was handed the diploma . I really don 't think it sank in that she was not going to see her friends again or her teachers either . She is really attached to all three of her teachers and loves going to school so much . Next week will be interesting . Maybe it will help with Daddy being home more , Her teachers gave her a bucket , sidewalk chalk and bubbles as a gift and I received a great yearbook style scrapbook . It is a nice review of the year and lets me see some things I missed like Thanksgiving and St . Patrick 's Day . Next year she starts pre - Kindergarten at our local elementary school . She knows she will be going to the same school as her big brother and she is all excited about that . Posted by Today my husband was laid off ( Laid of with a severance package is just a nice way to say fired even though you did nothing to deserve it . ) from his job of almost 10 years . He says he knew it was coming but was afraid to tell me . I was not prepared at all for it . The day just seems like an endless day of worry right now . I should count my blessings . He was offered a decent severance package that should get us through the next few months . He also has a lead on another job , so I can hope that this is just a bump in the road . Eventually this too will pass and hopefully he can find a job that is even better than the one he had . There are days I find myself just loving being a mommy . At bedtime I snuggle with each child individually and talk about the days events . Somedays they snuggle more than other 's . Today was a snugly day . Oh I treasure those days ! I read to my daughter and she interacts with me and the book . She snuggles up next to me and gives me a huge hug . She always tells me the best thing about her day is going to school . I wonder how she will react next week when it sinks in that she will not see her teacher again . My son is next . Usually he barely interacts with me at bedtime . The day takes its toll on him and he has no attention span by bedtime . Sometimes though he picks a book for me to read and actually pays attention . We snuggle and looked through a catalog and found things he wants for his birthday . Sometimes we have such a good time looking through the catalog that I almost don 't want to send him to bed . Almost ! Oh these special nights where the world is just me and my children . I could just disappear into a world like that . To bad it doesn 't last . Once we send them to bed the restlessness is now all we can focus on . The many tries they use to get our attention . The excuses they come up with . The banging , crying and sometimes screaming drive us up the wall . Often there is laughter and giggles that just won 't stop . We also have our share of monsters , luckily I have monster repellant at hand . Sometimes those pesky imaginary friends come to visit . Then there are the times the cat has invaded , through a wide open door that the children refuse to close . The excuses the children come up with show that they are much to smart . I am never surprised by whatever concoction they come up with to explain why they are not going to sleep . Then of course those rare nights where they both just fall asleep quickly . We usually are surprised by those nights . Oh and we treasure them . Those are the nights when mommy and daddy can snuggle and cuddle . Those are the nights the wine comes out and a tv show that we both enjoy is shared . Those are the nights when we can reconnect and bond again . Those are the nights that work to repair our togetherness . Unfortunately tonight is not one of those nights . If it 's not one thing its another . This week has been so depressing . We are broke . I mean digging in the couch hoping to find a few pennies to put gas in our cars broke . Luckily we have food and have paid all our bills . Payday is coming up so this is temporary , well at east until the day before the next payday . I really want pop . I admit it I have an addiction to the bubbly nectar that comes in many size containers . I haven had any for three days now . I am craving it as I type this . We don 't use credit cards , and try to pay cash for everything . Many times we have to pass on things we want because we just can 't afford them . Someday I will go back to work full - time and it will be easier then . But now we live paycheck to paycheck and still try to find activities we can afford that the kids will enjoy . We thought that our daughter would love soccer . She has been begging to play soccer for over a year . We told her that she could when she was four . When she turned four she wanted us to sign her up right then and there . We somehow managed to get her to wait until the Spring League started in our city . When I told her I had signed her up to be on a team with her brother she was jumping up and down . We took her out for her precious pink soccer socks and shin pads and she smiled so much I thought her checks would hurt . Then she played her first game , it was cold and she was unsure and she would have nothing to do with it . She played only when daddy was holding her hand . Today was practice and we thought she would be more sure of herself and practice like before . No such luck . She was lying down and rolling al over the field and would try to hide when the coach talked to her . It pains me to say that my first reaction was to think of the money we spent for her to be on the soccer team and of course for those fancy pink socks . I felt so bad as soon as the thought went through my mind . I have to say that she still was having fun and the coach was so good with her , not pushing to much and not making her feel bad because she wasn 't participating . If you didn 't know she was on the team you would think she was a sibling of one of the players on the team who was having a blast just rolling around the field . She did go back to participating at the end of practice . I wish I didn 't have the thought of wasted money during practice . I wish my family had a schedule that would allow me to look for part time work . When I think his schedule is consistent enough that I can get a job around it they go and change his hours and make it harder for me to get a job . I have had to turn down two jobs so far because the hours wouldn 't work with his schedule . So we are broke and searching for pennies . We return pop bottles to get snacks for the kids so they don 't know how bad it is . We struggle to get by and sometimes I don ; t know if we will . I will sign my daughter up for Irish Step Dance lessons this summer and hope she likes that more than soccer . I dream of my next bottle of pop and hope we can at least buy a pizza this weekend . I am a Mommy . All my life that is what I wanted to be . I also am an elementary school teacher . At the moment I am a substitute teacher . I may not have my own classroom but I care about every one of my students like I would if I was their regular teacher . I recently left my husband . What started as a great marriage fell apart over the years into an emotional abusive relationship from him to me . The more independent I got the meaner he got . Finally among a family crisis he decided to leave the country to go to a sporting event . I had an opportunity to leave and I took it . So starts another new beginning for me . |
Last night I stayed up a bit past my self assigned bedtime finishing my book . I 've been reading this great one called Life of the Trail . It 's actually the first in a series of eight , which tell the stories of trails in the Canadian Rockies . I love all of it ! The history , photographs ( both from the archives , and the authors own ) , and the authors own stories , notes , and comments . It was a very good read , and I look forward to reading the rest . Oh , and I forgot to mention the series in penned by my own amazing grandfather , and mum ! When I woke up this morning , it was another cold and rainy day . I think I much prefer cold and snowy over cold and rainy . But regular rain is much better than freezing rain ! When I got out of bed I had a nice warm shower , then sat down to breakfast . I got myself a nice bowl of yogurt and honey , and a frozen chocolate croissant . I think I like them like that as much as I do thawed ! Next I wrote my journal from yesterday . I had just been too tired to do it when I got home last night . I took a break to watch Massan with Catherine , then typed the journal up . When I had finished that , I got the stuff I had bought yesterday , and started sorting it out . I made several treat bags as part of it . I actually really like making stuff like that , where 's it like an assembly line . After I finished my job , the rest of the morning was pretty uneventful . I wanted to go outside to do parkour , but it was raining , so instead I did a workout , and practiced Japanese . For lunch we had okonomiyaki . It was just as amazing as before , and probably the last time I 'll eat it in Japan . Although I didn 't realize it at the time . After the main course , I had an apple , and Catherine and I drank herbal tea while talking to each other . We had a good conversation , although part of it included ghosts and paranormal activity . I was somewhat freaked out for the rest of the day , and ended up having a ( rare for me ) scary dream . Not a nightmare , but about a creepy ghost coming into the house because the shoes at the doorway went straight and pointed outwards ( towards the door ) . I think that it was actually a tv show I was watching in my dream , then I reached to it in my dream by straightening our shoes . But I don 't remember if there was actually a ghost in our house in the dream . It was confusing . Afterwards I had a bit of time to watch videos before picking Ayana up . No parkour along the way this time , umbrellas creat significant drag ! when Ayana and I got home , she had just a little bit of time before going to Hanamaru . I stayed home with Atsushi to do some writing while Catherine dropped her off . Shortly after Catherine returned Hoshino San came over for his lesson . As usual , the three of us had a good conversation . Tomorrow I have my last tai chi with him , and a lunch . I 'm looking forward to it ! While Catherine picked Ayana up from her lesson , I did my architecture . I got a bit of work done , but the I think I 'd like to wait to talk to Johnny about some things . And besides , Catherine was back right fairly quickly , along with Ayana and Yatchan . Yatchan seemed in really good spirits , and had even bought cake for us . He was very funny , and I had a good evening . Catherine had been cooking all day , so I got to enjoy one of the dishes that I 'd been smelling so much . It was a daikon soup with ginger and meat , and it was splendid . All three of us liked it . Catherine also prepared the pizza that we 'd bought at Costco that had been in the freezer . It had so much cheese , and even salami ! I loved it . We took a break to do the dishes , and then we had the cake . I ended up finishing both Catherine 's , and Ayana 's cakes . As well as mine . All three were astounding ! Thanks Yatchan ! Well , sadly it wasn 't a great sleep last night , but it was enough . When my alarm went off , I shut it down then had my shower . Yatchan didn 't have to go to work until a bit later this morning , so he stayed at home while Catherine took Ayana to the tennis courts , allowing me to go back to bed . Of course I didn 't sleep , but it was a good rest . For breakfast I had two English muffins ( which Catherine had prepared , so they were properly toasted ) spread with jam . It was super tasty . By the time I finished it was already eight , so Catherine and I watched Massan . It was an interesting episode since a fair bit of it was in English . of course the main character is English , but we 've only heard her speak a few words in the last . This time she was being a translator in a business meeting between a Japanese guy and a Scottish guy . After the show I got my blogging finished . It took a little while , but this time I was more careful so I didn 't have to rewrite it ! I did a little bit of reading in my Japanese journal , then Catherine , Atsushi , and I went to Jusco . It rained on and off all day , so it was a good day for shopping . I would 've like to have bought all of my presents earlier , but oh well . It 's done now ! Catherine had some work to do as well , and she had Atsushi . We had been planning on shuffling him back and forth between us , but he just sat in his shopping cart car and played on the iPad happily . It took a few hours , and I needed Catherine 's help at some points , but I got everything done . Catherine got a good chunk of her work done too . We took a bit of a break at Starbucks , and I got an iced hot chocolate , and a cup of cinnamon bun bits with the white , sweet cinnamon bun stuff . Yes , it was as good as it sounds . Catherine and I both had shopping to do at the grocery store , so we went together and Catherine helped me out . I bought a ton of food . We both used the self checkout , and I helped with both bags . We did my bag first , and set in beside the machine . Then after we finished Catherine 's I helped Atsushi put away his basket , and we set off . I completely forgot about my bag . Adding further distraction , someone dropped some of their groceries and Catherine had to chase them down to return them . A bit later in the day I wondered where my bag was , then saw Catherine with hers and thought it was mine . It wasn 't until we were putting stuff into the car that Catherine realized we had forgotten it . She ran back downstairs , and a few minutes later returned . With the bag . We were both so happy , because it had been expensive ! She said it was one of those " Only in Japan " moments . The clerks had seen we 'd forgotten it , put it out of the way , and returned it to Catherine without even asking for a receipt . Thank goodness they put it away ! Catherine said it was Karma ; she had given the other woman her dropped groceries , so someone have us ours . When we got home I had a bowl of persimmon apple sauce , finishing it off , and a chikuwa . Chukuwa are a tube of some sort of fish that 's eaten as a snack . I quite like them . Then I picked Ayana up from the gorilla . Catherine had gotten her a beautiful Christmas decoration for her desk , so she was really happy . After that , I wrote a thank you note to the family who 's house we had went to after our lunch at the fishing restaurant . Catherine had made a really nice card with pictures , so we both wrote on it . After that I did some Japanese practice before Reiko came to pick me up . While there , I got her help translating a thank you note I was writing for Yuta 's school . We had curry and rice with Keito for supper , and the three of us watched parkour videos . After that Reiko gave me an envelope . Inside was a really nice card from all of the people who had come to Sagami . And a gift of money . Reiko said they 'd wanted to get me a gift , but then thought to give me money instead . That way I could use it for souvenirs , or my house , or whatever . I didn 't expect that , and I 'm so thankful ! What great people . Volleyball was great . Unfortunately the other boy was too shy to come , but even so there were seven other women so we had proper teams . Today it was super fun . I 'm not exactly sure why , but there was much more laughing , joyful camaraderie , and funny mistakes that everyone laughed about . For instance , once Reiko got hit ( lightly ) in the head with a serve from our own team . And a couple times I dove for the ball and ended up sliding across the floor on my chest , arms outstretched . Or once I got knocked to the ground by the ball . It was awesome . Maybe it was because the more serious men weren 't there … At the end of the game everyone gave me one of the volleyballs , that way I can play at home ! It was a great day . I fell asleep around 12 : 30 last night , so unfortunately I got less than eight hours of sleep when my alarm woke me up at eight . In fact when it first went off I thought I was just getting a text message , and ignored it for a moment . But thankfully I remembered that I had actually set it , and I got up and had a shower . I thought I had turned the alarm off , but it must 've just snoozed it , because Yatchan told me it was going off when I got out of the shower . For pre - breakfast I had a mikkan while I worked on my journal . I 'd been way too tired to do it last night , but I wasn 't able to finish it before breakfast this morning . Yatchan made us delicious sausages , and eggs , and we had yogurt too . I also tried this tasty thing called Yakult , which is some sort of milky , bacteria drink . It does the same thing as yogurt . After breakfast we all got dressed up . I wore my burgundy dress shirt , and a pair of jeans ( Catherine had given me a pair since all of mine were ripped . I wore them last night too ) . Everyone else was fancier , but I was good enough . In Japan the ages 7 - 5 - 3 are very important ( 3 and 7 for girls , 5 for boys ) . And at those ages there are special pictures that are taken , often wearing traditional kimonos . There are also special prayers at the shrine , giving thanks for brining the child into the world , keeping them alive and healthy , and asking that they have a long life . Well , Ayana ( and Atsushi , Catherine , and Yatchan ) had already had the pictures taken , but we had to go back to the studio to pick them up . All of them were beautiful , Thw whole family ! Not only were we going to pick up the pictures though , the studio was doing her hair , makeup , and kimono again . I did a little bit of writing while we waited , but the tables they had were too low to write comfortably on , and it was also uncomfortable to hold my iPad on my lap . So I didn 't do very much . Once Ayana was done , we carefully got into the car ( not wanting to mess up her kimono ) , and drove to a shrine . We went to the rabbit shrine , which I 've never been in before , but is actually really close to the tea house that I went to a while ago . At the gates I had the craziest dejavu . It 's something that often happens to me , but this time it was double or triple dejavu ! As in , I felt like it had happened several times . But I knew it couldn 't be , since I 'd never been at the rabbit shrine before … But after that , we continued into the shrine and it was fine . It was super beautiful . It 's a fair bit bigger than the shrine by our house , with a lot more to it than the actual shrine . I don 't know what everything was , but it was all gorgeous . When we entered the shrine we had to wash our hands at a fountain . Usually the fountain is shaped like a dragon , but here it was a rabbit ! After registering we proceeded right into the shrine part of the shrine . Usually when you pray you 're on the outside , but we went right inside . We had to wait a little while , but then us and one other family went right in . Ayana and the other children kneeled at the front ( we were in a fairly small tatami room ) , and the families kneeled just behind them . In front of us there was a small altar . In fact it looked sort of similar to a Christian altar . There was a table , then behind it another table against a wall . Everything was symmetrical , and it was really nice . I wish I could 've taken a picture , but Catherine and I assumed that we shouldn 't . The priest looked sort of similar to an Anglican too . He had a really nice green kimono , it sort of looked like a cope that dad has . He was wearing a black hat as well , but it wasn 't very much like a bishops . Anyways , during the ceremony there was a fair bit of bowing , some clapping , and at one point the priest waved a stick over us , and it had lots of strands of white paper tied to it . At the end , the children each got symbolic gifts . A long , thin candy to symbolize healthy growth andWhile I wasn 't able to take any pictures in the place where the ceremony happened , I took lots of pictures elsewhere . There was this one place where the ground was covered in golden leaves , and there were these two huge gate - like trees . It was awesome . In fact there were tons of trees , and a pond with a rabbit fountain . I would 've liked to stick around and check things out , but we had to head home . On our way we saw a gorgeous white dog running around in the middle of a busy intersection . It nearly got hit a couple times , but no one did anything to get it away ! There were tons of pedestrians , and even a few people in uniform ( they were some sort bike watchers , but still ) and no one tried to do anything . They just walked right by and continued in their way while the dog ran around confusedly . Catherine said it was very Japanese for no one to try to do anything . When we got home we just picked up lunch from McDonalds . I got a Big Mac , but it made me realize something . I 'll admit it , I like the taste ( I even think Japanese McDonalds tastes better ) , but it 's mostly empty calories … The food has a lot of calories in it , but it doesn 't fill me up so much . So after my set from the store , I had some mochi with cheese on top . After I finished I was working on my blogging , and Eriko came over . Earlier in the day Ayana had went around to meet the neighbours in her kimono , so Eriko had a little gift for her . And a gift for me too . A beautiful set of seventy two coloured pencils . Eriko is such a great person , and I 'm really thankful ! The rest of the afternoon was pretty uneventful . I reviewed in my Japanese textbook , did some blogging , and got in fifteen minutes of parkour . After that we were out for an hour and a half . We dropped Catherine off at Kompao for Shigedi and Yasuhiro 's lesson . Then the rest of us dropped off Ayana 's kimono at the studio ( which is quite a ways away ) . On the way we played Japanese car games , like " What words start with shi ( し ) . " Then we had to name as many words starting with that letter as we could . We also played a little game where someone said a word , then the next person had to say one ending with the last letter of the previous word . For example ねこ ( cat ) , then こども ( children ) , and on and on . It 's meant mostly as study time for Atsushi , but it was great study for me too . And his vocabulary is much bigger than mine ! Before picking Catherine up , we stopped for a bit of shopping . I stayed in the car with sleeping Atsushi . We had to get some ingredients for Catherine to make Okonomiyaki . It was amazing ! And the smell was almost way too good while Catherine was cooking , I could barely stand it ! I realized that Yatchan 's casual wear was almost the same as my fancy . He was wearing jeans , and a green shirt that other than the colour was nearly identical to mine ! But Catherine said I looked very nice today too . After supper I helped with the dishes , got ready for bed , and hoped for a good sleep . Taking advantage of it being the weekend , I went to bed late and woke up at nine . Catherine , Yatchan , and the kids had already gone off to Jusco to pick up Ayana 's birthday present , a bicycle ! I wasn 't quite sure what to have for breakfast , so I ended up just eating a couple mikkans because I didn 't want to try my luck with the microwave . That tided me over until lunch . In the time between , I was actually fairly productive . I blogged my journal entry , was about to publish it , then lost it due to my own stupidity . So I had to rewrite it ! But that 's ok . Afterwards I went upstairs , and did a nice long workout . I sort of wanted to go to the park after that , but I wasn 't sure if I should without anyone home . I have a key to lock up , but if I was ever to get hurt it 's better for someone else to be at home . Because if I yell , they 'll probably look out the kitchen window and be able to see me . So I didn 't go . Instead I took a shower , then worked in my Japanese journal . I was able to read all the entries without a problem . When everyone got back I got to check out Ayana 's new bike . She had picked it by herself , and everyone thinks it was a good choice . It 's blue , with a nice big seat , bell , light , basket , kickstand , and tire lock . Pretty fancy ! Apparently though , the salesperson wasn 't very helpful , and first gave them a bigger , more expensive bike . Even though it wasn 't what they had ordered . They 'd even gone through all of the warranties , insurance , and were all paid up before Catherine and Yatchan noticed something was off . So they had to go through the whole process all over again ! I 'm glad I was at home . But anyways , when they got home I sort of scrounged myself a lunch . they had eaten at Jusco since Atsushi had been hungry . So I microwaved myself an English muffin and put a " Spicy Pepper Medley " on it . I think it 's actually meant for steaks and stuff , but it was pretty good . That obviously wasn 't enough to fill me up though , so I had a bowl of fruit sauce , some chocolates that Catherine 's friend had brought , and eventually mochi with cheese on top . Which was all very good , of course . The afternoon was pretty slow for me , although a bit stressful . In the evening we were all going to a party at Sagami ( the name of the restaurant ) , and lots of people were coming to say bye . So I wanted to have a bit of a speech prepared . I figured out what I wanted to say , then thought of the Japanese , then cross checked the English and Japanese with google translate . Eventually I got everything sorted , but I got Yatchan to check it out as well . He said everything was right , but we changed two things so that they sounded more natural . I also figured out some questions that I would ask a priest , if I get the chance . But only in English . Since I was a bit nervous about the party ( maybe I am getting more introverted ) , I mostly just hung around , and watched parkour videos . I did do a teeny bit of review in my Japanese textbook , but nothing serious . The party itself was ( or course ) very fun . And there were tons of people there ! Reiko , Ayako , Sayoko , Machiko , Eriko , Kimie , Nogumi , most of their husbands , and most of their children too . I even got to meet two new kids . One boy who 's the same age as me , and a girl who 's a bit older . In fact the boy who 's my age is going to come to volleyball with Reiko and I on Tuesday night . One of the women ( I believe it was Kimie ) has a daughter in junior high who goes to the same school as Yuta , and she said that she found out about me going to the school even before Catherine or I said anything . Even though her daughter didn 't see me , she knew that I was going to be there . I found that pretty funny . Kimie said I was famous ! And I was very impressed , because she was able to tell me in English ( she 's one of Catherine 's students ) . The food was good too . There were several dishes on the tables , including deep fried chicken , and other deep fried meat , a delicious salad , a type of noodle ( that I was unfortunately not able to try , as apparently it 's an allergen . But I believe they 're just buckwheat noodles so I would 've been ok . But better safe than sorry ) , and another great looking salad that we weren 't sure if it had nuts on it . There were also these amazing cucumbers that both Catherine and I really liked . I think they just have vinegar , but they 're really good . At one point , Ayana came around with a notebook and took everyone 's ice cream order , which she then preceded to pass along to the waitresses . The ice cream turned out to be really good ! There was lots to drink too , and I tried lots of types of juice and soft drinks . I got to talk to pretty much everyone , including a really good ( Japanese and English ) conversation with Hideo . I 'm pretty pleased that we were able to carry on a conversation ! But he 's a great guy , and not afraid to try to talk , even with very limited English , and the understanding of my limited Japanese . " Communication . " He often says , meaning that facial expressions , eye contact , etc , are often just as important as the words . At the beginning of the evening Catherine made a short speech , and at the end it was my turn . Despite preparing I was really nervous , but it went ok . I stumbled a few times , and once I almost forgot a word ( Yatchan whispered it to me just as I remembered ) , but at the end everyone understood , and even cheered . I 'm so glad that I got to see those people at least one more time , but it was sort of sad as well . When we got home I was super tired . But once I watched some videos , and read for a while , I found it really hard to get to sleep ! But eventually I did , and I slept well . What a great day , and especially a good party . Well , I only have seven days left in Japan . It feels like I 've been here forever , and at the same time no time at all . I 'm already getting sad about leaving but I can 't wait to see my family , and friends . Or my pets ! Unfortunately I probably won 't be able to talk to a priest ( one of the things I wanted to do it Japan ) , because this season is very busy for them . But there 's still some hope , and we 're still looking . This morning was pretty much spent in bed for me . I woke up around nine thirty , then watched parkour videos for the next hour and a half . When I did get out of bed I had a mikkan , two kiwis , and a bowl of this amazing persimmon apple sauce Catherine had made . It had lots of both of the fruits , cinnamon , sugar , allspice , butter , and a bit of apple juice . And it was just incredible ! Catherine was playing with the kids in the living room , so I did my blogging . When I had finished Ayana and I shared a couple of Pocky sticks . Basically they 're small , thin , cookie tubes with chocolate on the outside an inside . Sounds pretty good right ? After eating a couple , I jumped on my bike and headed to Dōman Park . Since it 's the weekend it was a lot busier than usual , but it was still fun , and I training in several spots . I 'm a bit discouraged with my sideflip right now , they 're not going quite how I want them too . So I mostly worked on those , and roundoff backtucks . Near the end I worked a bit on J - step moves , then a baseball team started practicing right in front of me . But it was time to go anyways . It was really hot today , so when I got home I threw all my sweaty clothes into the laundry and jumped in the shower . When I got out I did my devotional , and a couple of light exercises . It was already three , but I hadn 't had lunch yet . In fact all I 'd had today was fruit , two chocolate sticks , water , and fruit tea . So I was pretty hungry . I ended up having another bowl of fruit sauce , chips , and salsa . Which was satisfying . When I finished I got out my Japanese journal and read a few entries out loud . Then I grabbed a pen and wrote one . I don 't think it 's quite right ( I 'm sure not everything is right ! ) , so I guess Ayako will have two to correct the next time I see her ! I . Really glad she 's able to do that for me . After that I started talking to a couple friends online . They were both having troubles , so it didn 't end up being very relaxing for me … . Before supper I had a mochi , and worked on my story . During that time I noticed that both of my friends were having bad days , Ayana was really grumpy , and Catherine had a headache and just wasn 't feeling great . I wondered jokingly to myself if it was the full moon or something , then just for fun I checked the calendar , and it was a new moon . When there is no moon , and thus no light from the sun being reflected off of it . What an interesting coincidence … . And if that wasn 't strange enough , today Catherine was supposed to have a friend who had moved to Canada ( from Japan ) come visit , but he didn 't show up . Yatchans was supposed to be meeting with him later too , and Catherine just didn 't know what was going on . She said , " I wish someone would call me . " And I kid you not , as soon as the words were out of her mouth her phone started ringing . And it was her friend . He ended up coming for a short visit not long after that , and then when Catherine came back from taking him to the station , we had supper . Despite being a bit of a mishmash , it was delicious . We finished off the stew from a few nights ago , Catherine made a lettuce salad with spicy shrimp , and we each had a bowl of the persimmon apple sauce . It was really good , and actually a really good day . Even if I didn 't really do much ! Christopher P . S . I had to write this post twice , because the first time I wrote it I was going to cut and paste it into a different editor to add the photos ( that 's just how I have to do it ) , but I accidentally copied something else on top of that , so everything was lost … . But I rewrote it , so here it is . P . P . S . Photos : views from the top of the hill that borders Dōman Park ( towards Tokyo I believe ) . Stray cats at the park . The awesome train track I made for Atsushi yesterday . 22 I think that today was a pretty good day . After my shower I had a bowl of yogurt and granola , followed by a chocolate croissant . And a kiwi later in the morning . After breakfast Catherine and I took Ayana to the tennis courts . Yatchan had the day off work , so he could stay home with Atsushi . When Cat and I got back all four of us watched Massan . After the show was over I did my devotional , and posted on my blog . I also did a bit of architecture . Catherine had a lesson with Ayako , and Maseko a bit later on the morning , but I was out for a good portion of the lesson time . I was on a mission at Rogers . I jogged there , then had to find apple juice , ginger , and cinnamon . The cinnamon proved to be the hardest of the lot to find , but I did eventually . As I was searching for it , I stumbled upon a tiny coke , which I ended up buying . Mainly just because it was cute . On the way home I realized that I should probably not jog , as it was shaking it up in my backpack . So I just waited a while before drinking it when I got home . While I waited for it to decarbonate a bit , I listened in on the lesson , and did some work on my iPad . Ayako was her by now , and she had something for me from the school teacher . It was a newsletter about my visit , that everyone in the class had gotten , as well as a folder with all the pictures he had taken . Only I was lucky enough to get that though ! I 'm really glad I 've got those pictures , and great memories ! When it was ready , I drank my coke on the front steps . After that I decided to go to the shrine park for some training . I practiced mostly the same things as last time I was there , but this time I worked a bit more on vaults , and precision jumps . I have this huge 16 foot gap from tire to tire that I want to cross . I can 't quite make the whole jump yet , only 14 ′ or so , and not onto the tire . But it was still exhilarating , and it felt like I was flying ! When I got back inside I chilled out for a little while , then had lunch . I ate two mochis , dipped on ponzu with sugar in it . Yatchan told me it was really good , and he hadn 't been joking . I also had a bowl of last night 's stew , and a persimmon that Catherine cut up for me . I don 't have persimmon very often , so I don 't know how to cut them up ! But now I do . I had a fair bit to eat , but I still had that slightly unsatisfied , snacky feeling . So I ended up eating several shortbread cookies throughout the day . Lunch was quite late , so I just had half an hour or so before picking Ayana up from school . During that time I mostly watched parkour videos , then on my way to and from picking her up I did some parkour . Actually , when I was on my way there , I stopped outside the rehabilitation centre on the corner of the street . There were two middle aged Japanese ladies , and two gorgeous black labs . I couldn 't help myself , because they looked almost exactly like shadow , just bigger than the last time I saw her . So given how long I 've been away , they 're probably a similar size . So of course my heart melted . After a quick hello to the owners , I started petting one of the dog 's head . After a few moments of that it suddenly stood up and gently put it 's front paws on my chest . I said hello to it and kept petting it . Usually a dog doing that to me ( more so when I was younger , but even now a bit ) wouldn 't have been too well received . But this dog was so much like my own that I was fine with it . After a couple seconds of petting , it went back down , and I continued on my way . It wasn 't much , but for me it was really meaningful . When we got home I only had a little bit of time before Yatchan took Ayana and Catherine to their various things tonight and I watched Atsushi . So instead of starting anything , I just lay down . When the others left , Atsushi and I played trains together in the tatami room . I have to say that I think I made a pretty sweet track for us . When Yatchan got home I again only had a bit of time , so I worked out , and then watched videos for a couple minutes . Atsushi was still playing with his trains , but I decided to plug in Ayana 's electric keyboard and make some music . I don 't know how to play piano , so at first it was just me hitting some random melodies , and random bass lines ( separately ) until I hit a few notes consecutively and realized they were the first three notes of " Do your ear hang low " . After that I was hooked , and spent the rest of the time while the others were gone learning the song . I had no music , only the tune in my head , but I managed to learn it by ear . I guess the lessons from my music teacher , and all the help from dad have been paying off in my ability to learn by ear . Of course I 'm not playing it perfectly , but it sounds pretty close . Just before the troops returned , the doorbell rang . Thinking it might be them , I answered it . But it wasn 't them , it was Catherine 's organic produce boxes . I think I handled it pretty well , even if I wasn 't always sure what the delivery man was saying , and we got all the food sorted out without a hitch . For super we had a fish ( from the delivery ) that not only is delicious , but is high in omega - 3 and very good for you . I also had a bowl of stew on couscous , and these amazing sandwiches . During her morning lesson , Catherine had been notified of a great way to eat persimmons . On top of bread with cheese melted onto it . Catherine tried it out with English muffins , the persimmon , and cheese , all put into the microwave . And they were just incredible ! I wish we could 've had more ! I 'm sure glad she tried it , even though it sounds sort of crazy . Well , even though today was pretty laid back , tomorrow is Saturday and the whole day is empty for me . I 'm pretty tired , so I 'm hoping to sleep in lots . Then maybe go to Dōman park in the afternoon ! When I got out of the shower I took Ayana to the tennis courts . On my way home , the woman whom I sometimes talk to gave me a bag of persimmons for our house ! That was very nice of her , and they look and feel delicious . Catherine and I both prefer them crispy . After giving them over to Catherine , we sat down to watch Massan . I quite like the show , it 's entertaining , and interesting for me as well . When the show was over I Skyped Rowan and Robin for a while , then wrote my blog . When I finished I did my devotionals , and watched parkour videos until 10 : 50 . Just before Hoshino San came over , I realized I hadn 't really had anything to eat , so I had a bagel as we biked to tai chi . Even with a sweater on , it was pretty cold . The lesson was great though . Like usual we stretched for half an hour before really starting . After the parkour on Tuesday it felt really nice . As we went through the movements during the lesson , I noticed that after four classes or so , I was already starting to remember certain parts , and get stronger and more flexible in certain areas . It was nice . I also noticed an improvement with the fan , especially since someone gave me some pointers . At break time , someone had brought persimmons . I guess fall is persimmon season , so it 's best to eat them when they 're fresh ! and these ones were very good too . I realized that next week is my last lesson , which is sort of sad … When I got home I had a plate of last nights leftover for lunch . And it was just as good as yesterday , although the sweet potatoes weren 't as crispy . Catherine brought out a bag of shortbread cookies we had bought from Costco , and we snacked on them during the afternoon . I have to say , they 're very good . After eating I went upstairs and watched several parkour videos , did some push - ups , and worked on my story a bit . Around three Hoshino San came by to take me to Pingpong . It was raining , so instead of biking we carpooled with a few other women . At the community centre ( we actually use the same room for Pingpong as we do for tai chi ) , there were about 7 or 8 of us , and I played with everybody . It was really a blast ! And I 'm pretty sure people weren 't going easy on me this time . When I got home Catherine was back from her parent teacher interviews at Ayana 's school , which had went great . Unfortunately she had had to walk home in the rain since she gave her umbrella to Ayana earlier . But she was very happy with the results of the interview . It was a little while until supper when I got home , so I practiced Japanese . Catherine was making an amazing smelling stew . It had chicken , sweet potatoes , garlic , onions , thyme , a turnip - type vegetable , and leafy greens . It was incredible , hearty , and filling , as well as delicious ! After supper Catherine and I tackled the dishes , then I began my bedtime routine . It was a bit delayed since I was planning on staying downstairs for a while for when the post office rang the doorbell . But they ended up coming sooner than expected , so Catherine was still up when they came . Afterwards I went upstairs and to bed . I was really tired after today , but it was still nice to read before sleeping . I 'm really enjoying my book ! |
You have found my journal of living as a gimped redneck . Here you will find my thoughts and notions . Please feel free to comment on anything you find worthy of feedback or discussion When I was around five years old , I had this Tonka Tractor . I loved that little tractor . It was a Christmas present that year and for about six month 's I had rolled that thing all over our yard doing all kinds of imaginary work . On one occasion I had been playing with it in the drive way and being a kid became distracted and left it there . About an hour later my Mama had to run to town and in the car we piled . In backing out , we all felt the tire hit something and fearing it was our cat , we all piled out to see . What I saw horrified me . It was my Tonka tractor smashed into pieces ; not even Daddy could fix it . On that day I wept . Still five , my sister had rescued a baby chicken from the local hatchery and she and I ( the baby chicken ) quickly became the best of friends ; I named her Jackie . My relationship with Jackie was a secret as I didn 't want my siblings to know that she and I were close for fear that they might become better friends with her . As she grew I had managed to teach her to follow me around , fly up to my outstretched arm 's , and sit on my shoulder so I could pretend that I was a pirate and Jackie was my parrot . It was our secret relationship and nobody could steal it from us because nobody knew it existed . One day me , Jackie , and Daddy were in the yard when he told me to go fetch him something . When I returned , there she was , flopping around the yard with blood going everywhere . I ran up and saw her head in Daddy 's hand and at that moment , I felt as if I had died . Daddy , thinking I was just upset because I had never witnessed anything being killed before , sent me into the house . In short order Daddy had dressed and Mama was frying her up for supper . When supper finally came , Jackie was served up on a yellow platter for all of our dining pleasure . Daddy offered the prayer and everyone started filling their plates . Mama gave me a leg and I finally lost it . I wept like there was no tomorrow . Daddy then asked what was the matter with me . I unloaded . I told him that Jackie walked with me , she would fly to me , and that she played pirate with me ; she was the parrot . She was my friend . Hearing this , Daddy looked down and apologized . He then told everyone to just stop as he left the table . He returned with a box and gathered her from each plate and asked us all to follow him out back where he conducted a funeral for my friend Jackie . He prayed and asked God to forgive him and asked that I would be able to do the same . We buried her and we all wept together . At ten years of age , my parents had bought a bike for me from the neighbors . It was the coolest bike any kid could ever want . It was green metallic with chrome fender 's . Had a sissy bar , high - boy handlebars and a banana seat . Just flat out cool , and every kid in the neighborhood new it ! Later that summer , while riding around a corner our neighbor , Old Man Vanderpool hit me . I was just bruised , but my bike didn 't survive the ordeal . The frame , forks , and front tire were twisted into a mess . Old Man Vanderpool never even saw me as he pulled his 67 ' Pontiac Tempest into his drive . Dragging my bike the block back home was one of the longest treks I had known up to that time in my life . Due to the fact that I could only drag it about ten feet before I would have to stop and rest , I had plenty of time to consider what had happened . How would I tell my parents ? Then as if drawn by some invisible magnet , every kid in the neighorhood appeared to see the spectacle of my twisted bike . Some would ask what had happened and I couldn 't even look up for fear that they might see me cry . When I finally got home , Daddy came out the door and saw me and my bike . He asked if I was okay and I nodded that I was . He then picked up my bike with one hand , and with the other led me out back . He sat the bike down and continued with me to the back of the house where nobody could see . He picked me up and told me it was okay to cry , and I did . When I was eleven , Mama and Daddy brought home a puppy that we named Happy . He quickly grew into the best dog any kid could ever wish for . He was a black cocker spaniel - poodle cross and was the kind of dog that had the wisdom of years , even as a puppy . For almost five years , Happy was always there to play when I wanted , and was content to just sit patiently by my side when I didn 't feel like playing . He had this insight that let him know when you were sad and could always cheer me up . . . he did this for the whole family . He was the last to say goodbye to Daddy as he left for work , and the first and most excited to greet him when he got home . None of us kid 's could leave the house without Happy tagging along to protect us . That 's just how he was . He never dug through the trash , nor chased a cat or car . He would always go up and greet anyone he saw during his adventures around the block . Everybody in the neighborhood knew and liked Happy . He simply was that kind of dog . . . a good dog . One morning Daddy poked his head in the door after walking out to leave for work and asked if anyone had seen Happy . Someone said that they had the night before . Daddy said , " well . . . he 's probably out runnin ' around , " and left for work . At school that same morning , Tommy , my friend whole lived a block up on the highway , came up to me and said we had to talk . I thought it strange as boy 's just don 't , " have to talk . " He took me aside in the hallway as we waited to go to class and when I looked him in the face I knew something was wrong . He then told me that Happy was dead . I said no . . . he 's not . He said yes he was , " we saw the trash truck run over him . " I told him that it was just probably some other black dog . He said , " no , it was Happy . We saw it was him as the trash man stopped , picked him up and threw him in the back of the truck . " I said , " no , it was some other dog . " The whole day I tried to tell myself that it wasn 't Happy , but inside I knew it probably was , yet I continued to hope . When I got home I nervously walked around looking for him . I was too scared to call out for fear that he would not come . After about a half hour of hoping against hope , I realized that Happy was no more . I finally just sat under the maple tree in the back yard and refused to cry . Just sitting and looking at nothing . After a short spell I heard the rumble of Daddy 's truck and felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach . I knew how much he loved Happy and I knew what was coming . He called out to Happy . Four or five times he called as he circled the house . As he walked up he asked if I knew where he was and I looked up and lost it . He knew as he sit and wept with me . We loved that good dog . For a good spell the sad things in life just seemed to take time off . I grew up , went to school , found good work and finally was blessed with a good wife . Life truly had become good and I had an appreciation for being blessed . About a year into our marriage , I received a call at work from my Father - in - law who told me that my wife was on the way to the ER . He didn 't know what was wrong but told me to meet him there . We beat her there and time just stopped . When she got there she was having sever pain in her abdomen and it was discovered that she was pregnant . PREGNANT ! It hit me like nothing else in life had ever hit me before . I was going to be a Father . Instantly life changed . There was a new meaning for my existence and I liked it . After the exam my wife got some pain meds and I just sat with her in a whole new world of potential and the hope it held . All we had to do was wait for the Dr 's to fix her and life would be good . When the doctor did come in , he explained that my wife was having an ectopic pregnancy , which meant little to me . I listened and finally asked what the procedure was to fix things . He explained that the baby couldn 't be saved . . . at that point , it wasn 't really a baby anyway . In just a few hours I had feared for my wife 's life , celebrated that she would be okay , rejoiced over being a father , and finally told that my baby would not live . I was just numb inside as I tried to be strong for my wife . I really needed to talk to Daddy , but it had to wait . . . I had responsibilities . After I got my wife home and settled , I managed to visit Daddy . I told him all that had happened . All the fear and all the hope . How I was almost a Daddy . He then shared a time in his life I had little knowledge of . His first wife and he had two son 's . The eldest was born with heart problems and had received many surgeries to preserve him . He shared how he feared losing his little boy . He then went on to tell about losing his first wife to cancer . How he held her as she passed and how his world had died . Again he spoke about loss . With a smile he told me of my brother Harold , whom I had never met . How he was a good boy . Always helpful and always had a smile . . . even when nobody was looking . He was just good . He then went on to tell me of someone running up to the house and yelling that Harold had drowned . . . they couldn 't find him . Daddy had run down to the pond and pulled his son from the water and held him . In his bedroom , me and Daddy held each other and wept for and with each other . A year later my wife gave birth to our son Samuel . I still held a place for our first child , but Sam had a place all his own and life was good . He and Daddy were best buddies . They had such the relationship . They loved playing games and one of Sam 's favorites was to sneak up on Daddy and scare him . Daddy had a huge heart , but it was tired , and when Sam would do this , Daddy would almost fall over . After a couple of minutes Daddy would recover and they would just laugh and go on having fun . Daddy always had a candy bar hid just for Sam ; didn 't matter that we were trying to limit his sugar . . . A few more years and pregnancy visited our home again . We had decided to deliver her at home and when the time came , I soon began to question our decision . Labor with this child lasted for almost 12 hours . I prayed and pleaded with God for help . I tried to bargain with Him . I promised to be a better husband and father . I honestly don 't remember what all I did deal for , but know that I surely have not been able to live up to the promises made in desperation that night . When the baby finally was being delivered her cord was wrapped tightly around her neck and we were in trouble . Again I prayed and when we went to try to loosen the cord , it just gave way and we unwrapped it . She was then quickly delivered . As I held this child , along with her mother , we wept for joy . God had delivered Josie to us that day . Josie was a peculiar baby . . . very particular . She wouldn 't let anyone but her mother and I hold her . Anybody else touch her and she would scream . She did allow one other person to hold her though . It was Daddy . They had a connection . I have never seen a newborn laugh and interact like that before or sense . A couple of months later Daddy fell ill and was taken to the hospital . The normal routine was for the Dr 's to call in the family to say goodbye and we would all gather and pray . He would always be back home in a week or so . This time when we went up to pray it was different . I just knew and so did he . Not this time . That week seemed to last a decade . As he went down over time , we seemed to do the same . It was just so . . . just not real . During this week though , I had toughened myself for the time that was coming . Daddy had raised me to understand and take security in life and death . I knew what he believed and believed what he knew . We were both ready . Then he died . As ready as I was . . . I wept , and wept , and wept . My best friend , the guardian of my secrets , my Daddy was gone . The one I needed to hold me , the only one who could hold me was no longer there . Up to the day we buried him I wept . That night I walked out to the woods beside my house and prayed . I asked God why he had taken my support ? The answer . . . It was time to stand up and be the man my Father had trained me to be . I wept no more for him . . . now I rejoice in being able to have had him for the time I did . The scariest thing for me was in realizing that I was at the top of the hill . I then realized something about my Father . I knew him to be a very strong man . Nothing could scare him . . . now I know the truth . After Daddy passed , Josie almost instantly decided that she didn 't need to scream when somebody wanted to hold her . She was happy for anyone and everyone to hold her . It was like the time she had during the life of my daddy was set aside for him . . . the rest could wait . We went on to have two more beautiful girl 's , Aubrey Grace and Katrina Elizabeth , both born at home . All went well and I had little cause for sadness or fear . Time passes and the normal struggles of life progressed as all of life does . Finally the reason for all this writing . In raising a family , sometimes it 's easy for a child to feel misunderstood and unappreciated in the teen years . My son Samuel is there and the other night he had spoken harshly to his younger sister and I wasted little time reminding him that he was a gentleman and was expected to act as such . When suppertime rolled around I called him up and there was no reply . My wife goes down to his room then comes back up asking if I knew where he was . I said he probably went out to the woods to think , like he often does . She went out the back and hollered for him to come up and usually he 's there in a few minutes . Not this time . She calls him a few more times and comes back in with a scared look saying that she can 't find him . I asked if she had called Bandaid our dog who 's usually good at barking and letting us know their whereabouts . She had and there was no answer . I then decided to go get them . Usually I will just walk to the back field and call them and they will come . This night I slipped on a light jacket and walked out and called . No answer from either of them . Then I started to get a bit scared . It was starting to get dark and it was getting cold fast , with a forecast calling for temps below freezing . I go back in and get a light and head out ; I didn 't think to put on a warm jacket . We live on the top of a mountain surrounded by many rocky gulley 's , which I know that Sam loves to climb down into . I quickly made my way to the gully that is the closest and it hit me . Daddy holding Harold after pulling him from the pond . I climbed my way down into the gully with a very bad vision in my head of my son laying hurt . . . or worse . Suddenly I knew the fear of my father . I wept and plead with God to let my little boy be okay . He wasn 't there . I assured myself that Sam would be okay . He 's good in the wood 's and Bandaid was with him . He 'll be okay . Still . . . that vision wouldn 't leave me . I spent the next hour zig - zagging my way back and forth across the hill 's and gulley 's . There was no moon and the night quickly became black . As I worked my way down the mountain my flashlight decided go dim so I mostly felt my way ; saving the light in the case I would have a desperate need for it later . I would turn it on long enough to plot a path down into the gulley 's and then back off . I could feel my way back up . I finally quit calling out to Sam and focused on Bandaid as I now knew something was wrong , and of the two of them , the dog would be the one to hear me first . After a good spell I found myself on a clear hilltop and seeing shadow 's all around I hit the light and find myself in the middle of a herd of cattle . It then hit me . My effort was futile and the wood 's were too big . It was too dark and getting colder by the minute . I have never felt so little in all my life . Right there in the middle of a herd of cattle I stopped and knew I was done . I prayed , but this time I didn 't try to bargain or make any deals . I just wept and asked God to save my little boy . All I could see was him as he scared Daddy so many times . How they would laugh and laugh after Daddy recovered from the fright . I just sit and wept for a short spell . I then got up and started walking . Not really knowing exactly where I was going I just walked silently until I remembered to call out to Bandaid . It was then that I heard a distant bark . I called out more and he barked back . I left the field and ran into the woods in the direction I thought he was . I would call and his reply would get stronger as I tripped and bounced off trees . When I knew he was close I hit the flashlight and he was standing on the edge of the woods waiting and barking . He wouldn 't come to me and I knew something was wrong . I looked around and couldn 't find Sam . I told bandaid to find Sam and he would run ahead about fifty feet and start barking so I could catch up . That dog led me through another field , across a gulley and more wood until we came to the farthest clearing behind our house and stopped . I told him to find Sam and he would run and return to me . He wasn 't sure where Sam was I start yelling out for Sam as I made my way across the field . Finally I heard a faint , " Dad . " At that , Bandaid knew where he was and took me directly to him . I found him trying to make his way back to the house . I asked him if he was okay and he said , " yeah . " I then grabbed him and stood there and wept . I wept for joy . My boy was alive and I have never been so grateful in all my life . I just held him for a spell until he said , " Dad . . . I 'm kinda cold . Can we go home ? " When we finally got back to the house he found a family that was all weeping for joy that he was alive . It was an experience that I hope he never forgets . He saw that night that he is of much value to his family and took a step in the direction of being a man . What had happened was that instead of just going to the edge of the gulley and sitting like he normally does , he just walked until he found a far gulley and decided to sit there and think . Due to no moon , the dark fell faster than he expected and he found himself in an unfamiliar place with no reference point . Our rule is that if you get lost in the woods , just stay put and I will find you . The problem he found was that he knew I wouldn 't think he would be that far out . Then it started getting cold and he didn 't have his warm coat on , so he decided that it would be better to look for a way out than just sit there and freeze . While wondering around he heard the train , which runs due east of our house and he then knew that he needed to walk away from it in order to find his way home . He was on his way home when I found him and would have made it even if I hadn 't found him first . That 's Sam & Bandaid in the picture at the top . . This last week we celebrated our daughter Aubrey Grace 's birthday as she turned eleven . We did the normal birthday stuff ; cake , candles , presents , song & a birthday spanking . For Aubrey , the party was just family ( she really doesn 't like much fanfare or spotlight ) and went just as she wished . When it came time to open the gifts she was so excited every time she got something she really wanted . When she opened the utility gifts such as a hairbrush , clothing etc . , she was just as excited . When she opened the gift her younger sister made her , which was a picture made with crayon and copy paper , she seemed to be more excited for it than anything else . What I love about Aubrey is her concern and feeling for those around her . She has developed this value for time and effort beyond her years . It meant so much to her that Katie had taken the time and effort to make something just for her . Something that no other person in the world can have . The attention of her little sister . I can honestly say that I know no other person in the world who understands that life is more than any object . Life to her is in work , not the achievement , and in this , she has achieved much wisdom and grace at such an early age . Happy Birthday Aubrey ! I 'm so proud that you are my daughter ( yes , God does bless us ) We have seen more than a decade of thinking global . A time when the singular person or community was set aside in an effort to bring the world together in one harmonious ball of humanity . Where a conscious attitude of my actions would make a positive influence on my neighbor on the other side of the globe . A time of sharing wealth with those of us who are in a lesser stance of financial life and being . We have shared our work with the rest of society . As we step down in the world of business and manufacturing , our brethren in less advanced places have found the work we have allowed them . We have chosen to protect wildlife and the rainforest ' sWe have fought for democracy while decrying our own atrocity of intervention . We will not judge any other people or nation . We have removed the bridle from all forms of media . We will accept anything . Has it worked ? |
18 September . - - I drove at once to Hillingham and arrived early . Keeping my cab at the gate , I went up the avenue alone . I knocked gently and rang as quietly as possible , for I feared to disturb Lucy or her mother , and hoped to only bring a servant to the door . After a while , finding no response , I knocked and rang again , still no answer . I cursed the laziness of the servants that they should lie abed at such an hour , for it was now ten o ' clock , and so rang and knocked again , but more impatiently , but still without response . Hitherto I had blamed only the servants , but now a terrible fear began to assail me . Was this desolation but another link in the chain of doom which seemed drawing tight round us ? Was it indeed a house of death to which I had come , too late ? I know that minutes , even seconds of delay , might mean hours of danger to Lucy , if she had had again one of those frightful relapses , and I went round the house to try if I could find by chance an entry anywhere . I could find no means of ingress . Every window and door was fastened and locked , and I returned baffled to the porch . As I did so , I heard the rapid pit - pat of a swiftly driven horse 's feet . They stopped at the gate , and a few seconds later I met Van Helsing running up the avenue . When he saw me , he gasped out , " Then it was you , and just arrived . How is she ? Are we too late ? Did you not get my telegram ? " I answered as quickly and coherently as I could that I had only got his telegram early in the morning , and had not a minute in coming here , and that I could not make any one in the house hear me . He paused and raised his hat as he said solemnly , " Then I fear we are too late . God 's will be done ! " With his usual recuperative energy , he went on , " Come . If there be no way open to get in , we must make one . Time is all in all to us now . " We went round to the back of the house , where there was a kitchen window . The Professor took a small surgical saw from his case , and handing it to me , pointed to the iron bars which guarded the window . I attacked them at once and had very soon cut through three of them . Then with a long , thin knife we pushed back the fastening of the sashes and opened the window . I helped the Professor in , and followed him . There was no one in the kitchen or in the servants ' rooms , which were close at hand . We tried all the rooms as we went along , and in the dining room , dimly lit by rays of light through the shutters , found four servant women lying on the floor . There was no need to think them dead , for their stertorous breathing and the acrid smell of laudanum in the room left no doubt as to their condition . Van Helsing and I looked at each other , and as we moved away he said , " We can attend to them later . " Then we ascended to Lucy 's room . For an instant or two we paused at the door to listen , but there was no sound that we could hear . With white faces and trembling hands , we opened the door gently , and entered the room . How shall I describe what we saw ? On the bed lay two women , Lucy and her mother . The latter lay farthest in , and she was covered with a white sheet , the edge of which had been blown back by the drought through the broken window , showing the drawn , white , face , with a look of terror fixed upon it . By her side lay Lucy , with face white and still more drawn . The flowers which had been round her neck we found upon her mother 's bosom , and her throat was bare , showing the two little wounds which we had noticed before , but looking horribly white and mangled . Without a word the Professor bent over the bed , his head almost touching poor Lucy 's breast . Then he gave a quick turn of his head , as of one who listens , and leaping to his feet , he cried out to me , " It is not yet too late ! Quick ! Quick ! Bring the brandy ! " I flew downstairs and returned with it , taking care to smell and taste it , lest it , too , were drugged like the decanter of sherry which I found on the table . The maids were still breathing , but more restlessly , and I fancied that the narcotic was wearing off . I did not stay to make sure , but returned to Van Helsing . He rubbed the brandy , as on another occasion , on her lips and gums and on her wrists and the palms of her hands . He said to me , " I can do this , all that can be at the present . You go wake those maids . Flick them in the face with a wet towel , and flick them hard . Make them get heat and fire and a warm bath . This poor soul is nearly as cold as that beside her . She will need be heated before we can do anything more . " The others were dazed at first , but as remembrance came back to them they cried and sobbed in a hysterical manner . I was stern with them , however , and would not let them talk . I told them that one life was bad enough to lose , and if they delayed they would sacrifice Miss Lucy . So , sobbing and crying they went about their way , half clad as they were , and prepared fire and water . Fortunately , the kitchen and boiler fires were still alive , and there was no lack of hot water . We got a bath and carried Lucy out as she was and placed her in it . Whilst we were busy chafing her limbs there was a knock at the hall door . One of the maids ran off , hurried on some more clothes , and opened it . Then she returned and whispered to us that there was a gentleman who had come with a message from Mr . Holmwood . I bade her simply tell him that he must wait , for we could see no one now . She went away with the message , and , engrossed with our work , I clean forgot all about him . I never saw in all my experience the Professor work in such deadly earnest . I knew , as he knew , that it was a stand - up fight with death , and in a pause told him so . He answered me in a way that I did not understand , but with the sternest look that his face could wear . Presently we both began to be conscious that the heat was beginning to be of some effect . Lucy 's heart beat a trifle more audibly to the stethoscope , and her lungs had a perceptible movement . Van Helsing 's face almost beamed , and as we lifted her from the bath and rolled her in a hot sheet to dry her he said to me , " The first gain is ours ! Check to the King ! " We took Lucy into another room , which had by now been prepared , and laid her in bed and forced a few drops of brandy down her throat . I noticed that Van Helsing tied a soft silk handkerchief round her throat . She was still unconscious , and was quite as bad as , if not worse than , we had ever seen her . " We must consult as to what is to be done , " he said as we descended the stairs . In the hall he opened the dining room door , and we passed in , he closing the door carefully behind him . The shutters had been opened , but the blinds were already down , with that obedience to the etiquette of death which the British woman of the lower classes always rigidly observes . The room was , therefore , dimly dark . It was , however , light enough for our purposes . Van Helsing 's sternness was somewhat relieved by a look of perplexity . He was evidently torturing his mind about something , so I waited for an instant , and he spoke . " What are we to do now ? Where are we to turn for help ? We must have another transfusion of blood , and that soon , or that poor girl 's life won 't be worth an hour 's purchase . You are exhausted already . I am exhausted too . I fear to trust those women , even if they would have courage to submit . What are we to do for some one who will open his veins for her ? " He handed me a telegram . - - ' Have not heard from Seward for three days , and am terribly anxious . Cannot leave . Father still in same condition . Send me word how Lucy is . Do not delay . - - Holmwood . ' Van Helsing strode forward , and took his hand , looking him straight in the eyes as he said , " A brave man 's blood is the best thing on this earth when a woman is in trouble . You 're a man and no mistake . Well , the devil may work against us for all he 's worth , but God sends us men when we want them . " Once again we went through that ghastly operation . I have not the heart to go through with the details . Lucy had got a terrible shock and it told on her more than before , for though plenty of blood went into her veins , her body did not respond to the treatment as well as on the other occasions . Her struggle back into life was something frightful to see and hear . However , the action of both heart and lungs improved , and Van Helsing made a sub - cutaneous injection of morphia , as before , and with good effect . Her faint became a profound slumber . The Professor watched whilst I went downstairs with Quincey Morris , and sent one of the maids to pay off one of the cabmen who were waiting . I left Quincey lying down after having a glass of wine , and told the cook to get ready a good breakfast . Then a thought struck me , and I went back to the room where Lucy now was . When I came softly in , I found Van Helsing with a sheet or two of note paper in his hand . He had evidently read it , and was thinking it over as he sat with his hand to his brow . There was a look of grim satisfaction in his face , as of one who has had a doubt solved . He handed me the paper saying only , " It dropped from Lucy 's breast when we carried her to the bath . " When I had read it , I stook looking at the Professor , and after a pause asked him , " In God 's name , what does it all mean ? Was she , or is she , mad , or what sort of horrible danger is it ? " I was so bewildered that I did not know what to say more . Van Helsing put out his hand and took the paper , saying , " Do not trouble about it now . Forget if for the present . You shall know and understand it all in good time , but it will be later . And now what is it that you came to me to say ? " This brought me back to fact , and I was all myself again . " I came to speak about the certificate of death . If we do not act properly and wisely , there may be an inquest , and that paper would have to be produced . I am in hopes that we need have no inquest , for if we had it would surely kill poor Lucy , if nothing else did . I know , and you know , and the other doctor who attended her knows , that Mrs . Westenra had disease of the heart , and we can certify that she died of it . Let us fill up the certificate at once , and I shall take it myself to the registrar and go on to the undertaker . " " Good , oh my friend John ! Well thought of ! Truly Miss Lucy , if she be sad in the foes that beset her , is at least happy in the friends thatlove her . One , two , three , all open their veins for her , besides one old man . Ah , yes , I know , friend John . I am not blind ! I love you all the more for it ! Now go . " In the hall I met Quincey Morris , with a telegram for Arthur telling him that Mrs . Westenra was dead , that Lucy also had been ill , but was now going on better , and that Van Helsing and I were with her . I told him where I was going , and he hurried me out , but as I was going said , " When you come back , Jack , may I have two words with you all to ourselves ? " I nodded in reply and went out . I found no difficulty about the registration , and arranged with the local undertaker to come up in the evening to measure for the coffin and to make arrangements . When I got back Quincey was waiting for me . I told him I would see him as soon as I knew about Lucy , and went up to her room . She was still sleeping , and the Professor seemingly had not moved from his seat at her side . From his putting his finger to his lips , I gathered that he expected her to wake before long and was afraid of fore - stalling nature . So I went down to Quincey and took him into the breakfast room , where the blinds were not drawn down , and which was a little more cheerful , or rather less cheerless , than the other rooms . When we were alone , he said to me , " Jack Seward , I don 't want to shove myself in anywhere where I 've no right to be , but this is no ordinary case . You know I loved that girl and wanted to marry her , but although that 's all past and gone , I can 't help feeling anxious about her all the same . What is it that 's wrong with her ? The Dutchman , and a fine old fellow is is , I can see that , said that time you two came into the room , that you must have another transfusion of blood , and that both you and he were exhausted . Now I know well that you medical men speak in camera , and that a man must not expect to know what they consult about in private . But this is no common matter , and whatever it is , I have done my part . Is not that so ? " " And I guess Art was in it too . When I saw him four days ago down at his own place he looked queer . I have not seen anything pulled down so quick since I was on the Pampas and had a mare that I was fond of go to grass all in a night . One of those big bats that they call vampires had got at her in the night , and what with his gorge and the vein left open , there wasn 't enough blood in her to let her stand up , and I had to put a bullet through her as she lay . Jack , if you may tell me without betraying confidence , Arthur was the first , is not that so ? " As he spoke the poor fellow looked terribly anxious . He was in a torture of suspense regarding the woman he loved , and his utter ignorance of the terrible mystery which seemed to surround her intensified his pain . His very heart was bleeding , and it took all the manhood of him , and there was a royal lot of it , too , to keep him from breaking down . I paused before answering , for I felt that I must not betray anything which the Professor wished kept secret , but already he knew so much , and guessed so much , that there could be no reason for not answering , so I answered in the same phrase . " Ten days ! Then I guess , Jack Seward , that that poor pretty creature that we all love has had put into her veins within that time the blood of four strong men . Man alive , her whole body wouldn 't hold it . " Then coming close to me , he spoke in a fierce half - whisper . " What took it out ? " I shook my head . " That , " I said , " is the crux . Van Helsing is simply frantic about it , and I am at my wits ' end . I can 't even hazard a guess . There has been a series of little circumstances which have thrown out all our calculations as to Lucy being properly watched . But these shall not occur again . Here we stay until all be well , or ill . " Quincey held out his hand . " Count me in , " he said . " You and the Dutchman will tell me what to do , and I 'll do it . " When she woke late in the afternoon , Lucy 's first movement was to feel in her breast , and to my surprise , produced the paper which Van Helsing had given me to read . The careful Professor had replaced it where it had come from , lest on waking she should be alarmed . Her eyes then lit on Van Helsing and on me too , and gladdened . Then she looked round the room , and seeing where she was , shuddered . She gave a loud cry , and put her poor thin hands before her pale face . We both understood what was meant , that she had realized to the full her mother 's death . So we tried what we could to comfort her . Doubtless sympathy eased her somewhat , but she was very low in thought and spirit , and wept silently and weakly for a long time . We told her that either or both of us would now remain with her all the time , and that seemed to comfort her . Towards dusk she fell into a doze . Here a very odd thing occurred . Whilst still asleep she took the paper from her breast and tore it in two . Van Helsing stepped over and took the pieces from her . All the same , however , she went on with the action of tearing , as though the material were still in her hands . Finally she lifted her hands and opened them as though scattering the fragments . Van Helsing seemed surprised , and his brows gathered as if in thought , but he said nothing . 19 September . - - All last night she slept fitfully , being always afraid to sleep , and something weaker when she woke from it . The Professor and I took in turns to watch , and we never left her for a moment unattended . Quincey Morris said nothing about his intention , but I knew that all night long he patrolled round and round the house . When the day came , its searching light showed the ravages in poor Lucy 's strength . She was hardly able to turn her head , and the little nourishment which she could take seemed to do her no good . At times she slept , and both Van Helsing and I noticed the difference in her , between sleeping and waking . Whilst asleep she looked stronger , although more haggard , and her breathing was softer . Her open mouth showed the pale gums drawn back from the teeth , which looked positively longer and sharper than usual . When she woke the softness of her eyes evidently changed the expression , for she looked her own self , although a dying one . In the afternoon she asked for Arthur , and we telegraphed for him . Quincey went off to meet him at the station . When he arrived it was nearly six o ' clock , and the sun was setting full and warm , and the red light streamed in through the window and gave more color to the pale cheeks . When he saw her , Arthur was simply choking with emotion , and none of us could speak . In the hours that had passed , the fits of sleep , or the comatose condition that passed for it , had grown more frequent , so that the pauses when conversation was possible were shortened . Arthur 's presence , however , seemed to act as a stimulant . She rallied a little , and spoke to him more brightly than she had done since we arrived . He too pulled himself together , and spoke as cheerily as he could , so that the best was made of everything . It is now nearly one o ' clock , and he and Van Helsing are sitting with her . I am to relieve them in a quarter of an hour , and I am entering this on Lucy 's phonograph . Until six o ' clock they are to try to rest . I fear that tomorrow will end our watching , for the shock has been too great . The poor child cannot rally . God help us all . " It seems an age since I heard from you , or indeed since I wrote . You will pardon me , I know , for all my faults when you have read all my budget of news . Well , I got my husband back all right . When we arrived at Exeter there was a carriage waiting for us , and in it , though he had an attack of gout , Mr . Hawkins . He took us to his house , where there were rooms for us all nice and comfortable , and we dined together . After dinner Mr . Hawkins said , " ' My dears , I want to drink your health and prosperity , and may every blessing attend you both . I know you both from children , and have , with love and pride , seen you grow up . Now I want you to make your home here with me . I have left to me neither chick nor child . All are gone , and in my will I have left you everything . ' I cried , Lucy dear , as Jonathan and the old man clasped hands . Our evening was a very , very happy one . " So here we are , installed in this beautiful old house , and from both my bedroom and the drawing room I can see the great elms of the cathedral close , with their great black stems standing out against the old yellow stone of the cathedral , and I can hear the rooks overhead cawing and cawing and chattering and chattering and gossiping all day , after the manner of rooks - - and humans . I am busy , I need not tell you , arranging things and housekeeping . Jonathan and Mr . Hawkins are busy all day , for now that Jonathan is a partner , Mr . Hawkins wants to tell him all about the clients . " How is your dear mother getting on ? I wish I could run up to town for a day or two to see you , dear , but I , dare not go yet , with so much on my shoulders , and Jonathan wants looking after still . He is beginning to put some flesh on his bones again , but he was terribly weakened by the long illness . Even now he sometimes starts out of his sleep in a sudden way and awakes all trembling until I can coax him back to his usual placidity . However , thank God , these occasions grow less frequent as the days go on , and they will in time pass away altogether , I trust . And now I have told you my news , let me ask yours . When are you to be married , and where , and who is to perform the ceremony , and what are you to wear , and is it to be a public or private wedding ? Tell me all about it , dear , tell me all about everything , for there is nothing which interests you which will not be dear to me . Jonathan asks me to send his ' respectful duty ' , but I do not think that is good enough from the junior partner of the important firm Hawkins & Harker . And so , as you love me , and he loves me , and I love you with all the moods and tenses of the verb , I send you simply his ' love ' instead . Goodbye , my dearest Lucy , and blessings on you . " Yours , Mina Harker " In accordance with your wishes , I enclose report of the conditions of everything left in my charge . With regard to patient , Renfield , there is more to say . He has had another outbreak , which might have had a dreadful ending , but which , as it fortunately happened , was unattended with any unhappy results . This afternoon a carrier 's cart with two men made a call at the empty house whose grounds abut on ours , the house to which , you will remember , the patient twice ran away . The men stopped at our gate to ask the porter their way , as they were strangers . " I was myself looking out of the study window , having a smoke after dinner , and saw one of them come up to the house . As he passed the window of Renfield 's room , the patient began to rate him from within , and called him all the foul names he could lay his tongue to . The man , who seemed a decent fellow enough , contented himself by telling him to ' shut up for a foul - mouthed beggar ' , whereon our man accused him of robbing him and wanting to murder him and said that he would hinder him if he were to swing for it . I opened the window and signed to the man not to notice , so he contented himself after looking the place over and making up his mind as to what kind of place he had got to by saying , ' Lor ' bless yer , sir , I wouldn 't mind what was said to me in a bloomin ' madhouse . I pity ye and the guv ' nor for havin ' to live in the house with a wild beast like that . ' " Then he asked his way civilly enough , and I told him where the gate of the empty house was . He went away followed by threats and curses and revilings from our man . I went down to see if I could make out any cause for his anger , since he is usually such a well - behaved man , and except his violent fits nothing of the kind had ever occurred . I found him , to my astonishment , quite composed and most genial in his manner . I tried to get him to talk of the incident , but he blandly asked me questions as to what I meant , and led me to believe that he was completely oblivious of the affair . It was , I am sorry to say , however , only another instance of his cunning , for within half an hour I heard of him again . This time he had broken out through the window of his room , and was running down the avenue . I called to the attendants to follow me , and ran after him , for I feared he was intent on some mischief . My fear was justified when I saw the same cart which had passed before coming down the road , having on it some great wooden boxes . The men were wiping their foreheads , and were flushed in the face , as if with violent exercise . Before I could get up to him , the patient rushed at them , and pulling one of them off the cart , began to knock his head against the ground . If I had not seized him just at the moment , I believe he would have killed the man there and then . The other fellow jumped down and struck him over the head with the butt end of his heavy whip . It was a horrible blow , but he did not seem to mind it , but seized him also , and struggled with the three of us , pulling us to and fro as if we were kittens . You know I am no lightweight , and the others were both burly men . At first he was silent in his fighting , but as we began to master him , and the attendants were putting a strait waistcoat on him , he began to shout , ' I 'll frustrate them ! They shan 't rob me ! They shan 't murder me by inches ! I 'll fight for my Lord and Master ! ' and all sorts of similar incoherent ravings . It was with very considerable difficulty that they got " The two carriers were at first loud in their threats of actions for damages , and promised to rain all the penalties of the law on us . Their threats were , however , mingled with some sort of indirect apology for the defeat of the two of them by a feeble madman . They said that if it had not been for the way their strength had been spent in carrying and raising the heavy boxes to the cart they would have made short work of him . They gave as another reason for their defeat the extraordinary state of drouth to which they had been reduced by the dusty nature of their occupation and the reprehensible distance from the scene of their labors of any place of public entertainment . I quite understood their drift , and after a stiff glass of strong grog , or rather more of the same , and with each a sovereign in hand , they made light of the attack , and swore that they would encounter a worse madman any day for the pleasure of meeting so ' bloomin ' good a bloke ' as your correspondent . I took their names and addresses , in case they might be needed . They are as follows : Jack Smollet , of Dudding 's Rents , King George 's Road , Great Walworth , and Thomas Snelling , Peter Farley 's Row , Guide Court , Bethnal Green . They are both in the employment of Harris & Sons , Moving and Shipment Company , Orange Master 's Yard , Soho . " Such a sad blow has befallen us . Mr . Hawkins has died very suddenly . Some may not think it so sad for us , but we had both come to so love him that it really seems as though we had lost a father . I never knew either father or mother , so that the dear old man 's death is a real blow to me . Jonathan is greatly distressed . It is not only that he feels sorrow , deep sorrow , for the dear , good man who has befriended him all his life , and now at the end has treated him like his own son and left him a fortune which to people of our modest bringing up is wealth beyond the dream of avarice , but Jonathan feels it on another account . He says the amount of responsibility which it puts upon him makes him nervous . He begins to doubt himself . I try to cheer him up , and my belief in him helps him to have a belief in himself . But it is here that the grave shock that he experienced tells upon him the most . Oh , it is too hard that a sweet , simple , noble , strong nature such as his , a nature which enabled him by our dear , good friend 's aid to rise from clerk to master in a few years , should be so injured that the very essence of its strength is gone . Forgive me , dear , if I worry you with my troubles in the midst of your own happiness , but Lucy dear , I must tell someone , for the strain of keeping up a brave and cheerful appearance to Jonathan tries me , and I have no one here that I can confide in . I dread coming up to London , as we must do that day after tomorrow , for poor Mr . Hawkins left in his will that he was to be buried in the grave with his father . As there are no relations at all , Jonathan will have to be chief mourner . I shall try to run over to see you , dearest , if only for a few minutes . Forgive me for troubling you . With all blessings , 20 September . - - Only resolution and habit can let me make an entry tonight . I am too miserable , too low spirited , too sick of the world and all in it , including life itself , that I would not care if I heard this moment the flapping of the wings of the angel of death . And he has been flapping those grim wings to some purpose of late , Lucy 's mother and Arthur 's father , and now . . . Let me get on with my work . I duly relieved Van Helsing in his watch over Lucy . We wanted Arthur to go to rest also , but he refused at first . It was only when I told him that we should want him to help us during the day , and that we must not all break down for want of rest , lest Lucy should suffer , that he agreed to go . Van Helsing was very kind to him . " Come , my child , " he said . " Come with me . You are sick and weak , and have had much sorrow and much mental pain , as well as that tax on your strength that we know of . You must not be alone , for to be alone is to be full of fears and alarms . Come to the drawing room , where there is a big fire , and there are two sofas . You shall lie on one , and I on the other , and our sympathy will be comfort to each other , even though we do not speak , and even if we sleep . " Arthur went off with him , casting back a longing look on Lucy 's face , which lay in her pillow , almost whiter than the lawn . She lay quite still , and I looked around the room to see that all was as it should be . I could see that the Professor had carried out in this room , as in the other , his purpose of using the garlic . The whole of the window sashes reeked with it , and round Lucy 's neck , over the silk handkerchief which Van Helsing made her keep on , was a rough chaplet of the same odorous flowers . Lucy was breathing somewhat stertorously , and her face was at its worst , for the open mouth showed the pale gums . Her teeth , in the dim , uncertain light , seemed longer and sharper than they had been in the morning . In particular , by some trick of the light , the canine teeth looked longer and sharper than the rest . I sat down beside her , and presently she moved uneasily . At the same moment there came a sort of dull flapping or buffeting at the window . I went over to it softly , and peeped out by the corner of the blind . There was a full moonlight , and I could see that the noise was made by a great bat , which wheeled around , doubtless attracted by the light , although so dim , and every now and again struck the window with its wings . When I came back to my seat , I found that Lucy had moved slightly , and had torn away the garlic flowers from her throat . I replaced them as well as I could , and sat watching her . Presently she woke , and I gave her food , as Van Helsing had prescribed . She took but a little , and that languidly . There did not seem to be with her now the unconscious struggle for life and strength that had hitherto so marked her illness . It struck me as curious that the moment she became conscious she pressed the garlic flowers close to her . It was certainly odd that whenever she got into that lethargic state , with the stertorous breathing , she put the flowers from her , but that when she waked she clutched them close , There was no possibility of making amy mistake about this , for in the long hours that followed , she had many spells of sleeping and waking and repeated both actions many times . At six o ' clock Van Helsing came to relieve me . Arthur had then fallen into a doze , and he mercifully let him sleep on . When he saw Lucy 's face I could hear the sissing indraw of breath , and he said to me in a sharp whisper . " Draw up the blind . I want light ! " Then he bent down , and , with his face almost touching Lucy 's , examined her carefully . He removed the flowers and lifted the silk handkerchief from her throat . As he did so he started back and I could hear his ejaculation , " Mein Gott ! " as it was smothered in his throat . I bent over and looked , too , and as I noticed some queer chill came over me . The wounds on the throat had absolutely disappeared . For fully five minutes Van Helsing stood looking at her , with his face at its sternest . Then he turned to me and said calmly , " She is dying . It will not be long now . It will be much difference , mark me , whether she dies conscious or in her sleep . Wake that poor boy , and let him come and see the last . He trusts us , and we have promised him . " I went to the dining room and waked him . He was dazed for a moment , but when he saw the sunlight streaming in through the edges of the shutters he thought he was late , and expressed his fear . I assured him that Lucy was still asleep , but told him as gently as i could that both Van Helsing and I feared that the end was near . He covered his face with his hands , and slid down on his knees by the sofa , where he remained , perhaps a minute , with his head buried , praying , whilst his shoulders shook with grief . I took him by the hand and raised him up . " Come , " I said , " my dear old fellow , summon all your fortitude . It will be best and easiest for her . " When we came into Lucy 's room I could see that Van Helsing had , with his usual forethought , been putting matters straight and making everything look as pleasing as possible . He had even brushed Lucy 's hair , so that it lay on the pillow in its usual sunny ripples . When we came into the room she opened her eyes , and seeing him , whispered softly , " Arthur ! Oh , my love , I am so glad you have come ! " He was stooping to kiss her , when Van Helsing motioned him back . " No , " he whispered , " not yet ! Hold her hand , it will comfort her more . " So Arthur took her hand and knelt beside her , and she looked her best , with all the soft lines matching the angelic beauty of her eyes . Then gradually her eyes closed , and she sank to sleep . For a little bit her breast heaved softly , and her breath came and went like a tired child 's . And then insensibly there came the strange change which I had noticed in the night . Her breathing grew stertorous , the mouth opened , and the pale gums , drawn back , made the teeth look longer and sharper than ever . In a sort of sleepwaking , vague , unconscious way she opened her eyes , which were now dull and hard at once , and said in a soft , voluptuous voice , such as I had never heard from her lips , " Arthur ! Oh , my love , I am so glad you have come ! Kiss me ! " Arthur bent eagerly over to kiss her , but at that instant Van Helsing , who , like me , had been startled by her voice , swooped upon him , and catching him by the neck with both hands , dragged him back with a fury of strength which I never thought he could have possessed , and actually hurled him almost across the room . " Not on your life ! " he said , " not for your living soul and hers ! " And he stood between them like a lion at bay . I kept my eyes fixed on Lucy , as did Van Helsing , and we saw a spasm as of rage flit like a shadow over her face . The sharp teeth clamped together . Then her eyes closed , and she breathed heavily . Very shortly after she opened her eyes in all their softness , and putting out her poor , pale , thin hand , took Van Helsing 's great brown one , drawing it close to her , she kissed it . " My true friend , " she said , in a faint voice , but with untellable pathos , " My true friend , and his ! Oh , guard him , and give me peace ! " I went back to the room , and found Van Helsing looking at poor Lucy , and his face was sterner than eve . Some change had come over her body . Death had given back part of her beauty , for her brow and cheeks had recovered some of their flowing lines . Even the lips had lost their deadly pallor . It was as if the blood , no longer needed for the working of the heart , had gone to make the harshness of death as little rude as might be . |
Also this week we are also very excited about next week . Week 30 of Great Hites . Let Everyone know that it is a special week and that we are trying to get an many people as possible to come out and write next week . Maybe I will even get a guest voice or two . Anyone ! ? ! Anyone ! ? ! Alvin positioned the speakers to face the first recorder , then faced the second recorder opposite the first one . He hooked up the mike , then positioned the single chair in front of it . The room was empty otherwise . Alvin proceeded with the recording : The door opened and Joan Minskey walked in . " I 'm having a problem with the recording equipment . Can you please help me ? " " Sure , no problem . " Alvin stopped the recorder , rewinded the tape and went over to the faculty 's state of the art recording studio . This new equipment was supposed to be the best in the field , but the students kept complaining and for some reason , they always came to him for help , not that he minded though , he loved helping out , but sometimes it was an inconvenience . He locked the room and went over to help her . By the time he finished , he had a class to deliver , so he didn 't get back to the room until much later . He repositioned the two recorders and the speaker and started the recording again : The door opened and Ian Tablenkov walked in . " Can you help me ? I 'm having some problems with this composition . Something about the meaning of those harmonies is not quite right . " Alvin sighed . It looked like he wasn 't going to finished this recording now , so he locked the room and went over to help his students . He decided to come back later , after everyone left and record this in peace . Being the head of the faculty meant that he had a few privileges , including the possession of the keys to the faculty . When he returned later , it was already getting dark . He opened the doors to the faculty , went over to the room and unlocked it . He positioned the recorders and the speakers once again , set down on the single chair and pressed the recording button : Alex was a bright man , more than his years would indicate . In his early twenties , his business acumen allowed him to acquire several prime pieces of real estate . He started with less that $ 25 in his checking account . The art of negotiation was not lost to Alex . His older brothers , James and Joel , were hard workers . They were more conservative in their ambitions . All three of Stanley 's sons earned high honors at University . Their father Stanley said , " All three are good boys . Each has different strengths . James is the oldest and an honored teacher of science . Joel was the wild one , and we worried a bit about his future . He fell in love with aircraft and now is a design engineer for Lockheed - Martin . And Alex … " Stanley lowered his gaze as his voice began a slight tremble , " Alex is . Was the proverbial tempest in a tea pot . You never quite know what he would do next . " Alex exercised his whims of thrill seeking . Sports car racing , marathons , snowmobiles in the winter , and speedboats in the summer - all brought laughter to his life . Early into his thirtieth year , just two days after New Year 's Day , a snowmobile accident took his life . The minister stood at the front of the church , amazed at the hundreds that came to the services . At least a dozen of Alex 's friends rose to speak of his life . His life - long friend , confidant , and intimate brother - confessor rose for his turn to speak . Bob had a smile on his face . " I cannot be sad today . Alex packed all of his living into his few years on earth . I expected to give this speech as best man on his wedding day . " Bob paused for a moment . A strong gust of wind blew the church 's doors open . For a January day in this Canadian town , the wind smelled of spring and carried a warm greeting as it circled the church . Bob said , " Just like Alex ! He storms into this room and takes over center stage . This is one great celebration , one party that he did not want to miss . " Captain Roderick stormed onto the bridge . As much as he could storm in low gravity . It was not as if he had to float around . They were accelerating at a substantial rate so there was some gravity on the ship which meant that at least he was standing upright , but not enough to go stomping unless he wanted to go flying into the ceiling . The worst thing that he could think of was being angry and having to take it laying down , as you floated around a ship in micro gravity . Most of his senior staff , with the exception of his first officer , was on this shift so he was pretty sure that the culprit had to be there . But as he looked around the room there were a few sheepish grins but no one was coming forward . That was fine , if that was the way they wanted to play it , he could play it cool as well . Of course they would choose the youngest as their scape goat . They all knew he had a soft spot for new members on the space corp . Well not today . " Ensign , " this was it he was going to let it all come out . He did almost feel sorry for the fresh faced ensign , " I want to know why you posted my birthday in the galley , the posting of … " He never finished the sentence . A Minute of FailureBY Guy David Emma knitted the sweater silently . She always knitted when she was stressed out . It helped her calm down and think clearly , and thinking was what she did best . It was her skill , and the one she relied on . She had high hopes and thinking was the way of making them into a reality . The problem ahead was not an easy one , though working at home meant she had an army of like - minded thinkers at her finger tips . All she had to do was to go on - line and ask someone , but she was a stubborn one . She had to solve her own problems herself . It was the only way she would be able to quit her day job , by doing all of this by herself . This has made her a lone wolf , and she liked it that way , no one to distract her from her goals . She fixed up the glasses on her nose bridge , a sub - conscious gesture done absent mindedly , then she put down her knitting and headed for her computer . The HTML danced in front of her eyes , refusing to untangle . Bits of CSS and PHP where flawlessly intertwined within . Other bits where connected from the outside . It was obviously a work of art , neatly knitted pieces of code , some functioning on a local level , some more universal in nature and some surviving into other pages . It was a work Emma was especially proud of , yet again , that particular web page had failed to load for a minute every time . It was exactly a minute , no more and no less . It was as punctuate as the coffee she took every day at 7 AM , and the bus she took for work at 8 AM . She knew her day job was a necessary condition on the way for something better , and she knew that something better was right in front of her , if only she could find the cause for that failure . She looked at her half knitted sweater . A small ant was crawling on it . She looked at the ant , then she looked at her code . Suddenly she could see it . It was like an ant crawling inside her code , contaminating it and keeping it from functioning properly . She could see it clearly now , and she could see the solution . She shook the ant out of her knitting and set to work on the code . She fixed a bit here , which made another flaw apparent , so she fixed that too . It was a little like lying . You told a lie here , so you had to support it with another lie there , only coding was more finite . It was contained in a much smaller world , so it was manageable . Finally , the page was fixed and worked flawlessly . Another level in her goal was achieved . Quitting her day job was one step nearer . She smiled at her little victory and went back to her knitting . She had allot more to think about . How did this happen ? I am a nice well adjusted person , I vacation in Baja , or Aspen or the Adirondacks as I see fit . I live in a nice one bedroom apartment in a tony neighborhood . I don 't drive by choice , finding it too complicated to keep a car in the city . How did I find myself a candidate for a minivan ? I thought I knew you . It started benignly enough , a cup of coffee , then an art opening ; there were a few things in common , and it grew . You learned about the past relationships , the baggage in tow ; I met your kids . It didn 't seem like too much to deal with . A weekend to the coast seems reasonable , and you got me that really nice birthday gift ; we were still in the realm of having a good time . A few years pass , things are comfortable ; I know what to expect : Alternate weekends and holidays . Plenty of time to do your own thing , my own thing , you have a change of clothes in the closet in case you spend the night . I have a toothbrush at your house . This groove feels right ; I 've even go to the school plays and last month helped pick out the new puppy . You bring a small box to dinner , filled with sparkle , shattering the dream . It wasn 't supposed to go this far ? I was only looking for something to occupy my time after work . You 're a nice person , and I go along with it , not ready for the tears , yours or mine , that will happen when I break up with you . You dirty dog ! You tricked me ! You made me pick a date , and promised it would be a small ceremony , not a big deal , nothing would change . Liar . But you ARE an affable liar , and I think I can forgive you . The more I consider it , makes me realize it is more fun to cook dinner together , and discuss bad art films . My heart must have been paying more attention than my mind . But I still want to go to Baja without the kids in tow . What are the costs of victory ? What are the costs of defeat ? Kings and presidents , despots and dictators , kind leaders ( even cruel leaders ) struggle with these decisions . When a leader commits to war , monetary costs can be calculated . Ships , arms , supplies ; all can be assigned a value . The unanswered question is how do you value human life ? Is that even possible ? A leader that decides to go to war makes the valuation that the lives of his soldiers are worth the price of victory . Those leaders sit in buildings of the state , well insulated from the dangers his citizens will face . They steal away the time to make these deep decisions . They pray that they possess the wisdom to make the correct judgment . Generals command their troops to battle . Away from the front lines , they feel the weight of sacrifice much closer than the leader . Generals are insulated from the immediate smells of gun powder and death . His decisions may be based on moving small pieces on a map of a battle ground . He may have precious little time to contemplate his strategy . Manning the front lines is an amazing experience . Young leaders , younger soldiers , are all wide eyed and a bit frightened . They huddle in wait to repel the next attack or for the orders to charge forward . It is action and reaction , a " hurry up and wait " time . Fear is good . It keeps soldiers alert . A strange thing happens when there remains no reasonable chance for survival . Fear wanes , a calmness and purpose rise to the forefront of the mind . Soldiers perform their tasks to the limits of their ability . Soldiers follow orders . Some will die trying to achieve victory . Alas , they may have but a single moment to contemplate success or failure . Time travel is supposed to be for one of two things . First you could go back in time and fix something so that it would turn out better . You could go back and ask that pretty girl out with more confidence . You could make sure that your dog does not get hit by that car , that your parents don 't get divorced , or your sister does not get that really bad dye job right before her big date . Or you can go into the future to learn something of what will come , the out come of sporting event , the names of all your children , who will be your best friend in twenty years time , or even so that you could steel something from the future , pretend to invent it and make millions . Either way it is about gaming the system . Either , fixing your mistakes or fixing it so that you don 't make the mistakes in the first place . The problem is that there are a number of way that this can back fire on you . Look at all the time travel stories , you have that guy that wanted to get back to 1985 , first of all why would you want to go back then , but second he tried to win a sports , and what happened the bad guy got the book , and almost erased his whole family . Or what about the little kid , he wanted to go back and figure out who his mom was so that she would not give him up for adoption , when he had a very bright future ahead of him , that would have screwed everything up . And what about those guys that tried to go back and get the whales ? They nearly got caught because one guy didn 't know how to use a computer and another one couldn 't find the navy ships . The point is that it takes very little to screw up the whole time line and then there is often so much damage that you can end everything , and I do mean everything . And if you don 't think that anything like this can happen to you , I am here to tell you that it can . Forty years ago I invented a time machine . No I am not crazy , I really invented a time machine , and it worked too . Now I can see by the look on your face that you don 't believe me but just listen while I tell you what happenedDownload GreatHites # 27 In the 1950 's , canines were as free as sparrows to roam our small town , following only their will and whim . They indeed were living the American dream . Maybe that 's why I could never trust my yellow dog , Queenie . She enjoyed her role as a free spirit , heading hither and yon , with no apparent plan in mind . She became my dog , my responsibility , when my older brothers and sisters lost interest . Oh , I brushed and petted her , even bathed her when she allowed me to catch her . My hugs and pats were sincere , but she only endured the rite , not enjoy it . Food and water were always at the ready . I tossed that gnarled , saliva - drenched stick that she insisted on chasing . Part of her game was to retrieve the stick , and then feign anger with growls and a show of teeth when I reached for it . The care given did not earn her protection . That old mutt never seemed to be around when I needed her . When that Watson kid started to beat on me , that old dog was always running in the wrong direction . Will I forever hate that Watson kid ? Jeff Thompson was the first to go off to war . Some country in Southeast Asia needed help . Time moves slowly for a boy in a small town . It seemed that Jeff was gone forever . Six years after his departure , Jeff returned home . He immediately went to the local bar and got drunk . No one saw the fight begin between that Watson kid and the returning soldier . Jeff proceeded to knock the snot out of the Watson boy . He never did approve of bullies . I glanced with admiration toward my new hero . Jeff showed the effects of drink . His eyes were a bit glassy , his stance a bit wobbly . He smiled at me with the grin of a Cheshire cat . Was he a cat person ? Probably not . That was my dog , Queenie , that followed Jeff home . You know the legend of the werewolf . How he hunts at night for his victim , and can turn from man to beast to man again . The stories are true , you know . They are out there , and they hunt by the light of the moon . But there is a creature that is more dangerous that the werewolf , they are the werecats . These Creatures come , not during the night , but during the full light of day to hunt their prey . The are very cunning , those fully turned take the form of ordinary house cats and take up residence with the cat people . Download Great Hites 26 " So ? Why not Atlantis , Larry ? Hundreds of thousands of people have found Mount Olympus , most notably the Greeks . It 's an actual mountain in Greece you know . Sue rebuffed him from the next cubical over , not even bothering to get up . " Alright , I 'll bite . " I said entering his cubical . As expected it was a dizzying array of posters , drawings and fantasy character figures . They were everywhere : on the desk , on top of his test systems , on the keyboard tray , even on the phone and his monitors . " Yes , yes , I needed them to look at the maps and satellite images . Look here . " he said pointing to the center of the display on the left . " Right , let me zoom out a bit so you can get an idea of where they are . " He grabbed the mouse and scrolled out so that we could see the whole land mass . It was , of course , Greece . Then he zoomed back in . " Here , do you see that ? " he said circling a spot on the map with his finger . " It looks like a mountain , just like all the rest around it . " I liked Larry . He was a good guy , and despite his fascination with the fantasy world , he was a brilliant technician but I was beginning to regret this trip to Larry Land . " Look at the peaks around it . Do any of them look like that ? In fact , have you ever seen a peak that looked that perfect except in drawings ? " " Now watch this . " He changed the angle of the view so that we were about 45 degrees from the ground . " Look , look , do you see it ? " " My God ! " On the screen all the other mountains had flattened out as in most two dimension pictures , but the shadow stood up straight , an almost perfect cone . " Wow ! That is really cool . I wonder what that is ? It has got to be some kind of software glitch . " " No , it 's not . I tried it on this other program too . See ? " He switched applications and there it was again . " The last one uses fly over views from aircraft , this one uses satellite photos . " " Yeah maybe . " He didn 't say anything to anyone for the rest of the day , and when I left late that night he was still in his cubical . I sneaked a quick peek as I walked past toward the door , and he had both images up on the left display and a number documents up on his other one that didn 't look like the code that he was supposed to be working on . " More posters Larry ? " Mike asked laughing . Larry , as usual , ignored him . He walked past and sat down in his cubical . I could hear him tearing the tape off the tube and pulling out its contents . I tired to ignore him . If it were new posters , putting them up would be an all morning affair and I had things to do . I couldn 't get sucked into it . Three new systems were going live in a week and I needed to make sure that the databases would actually work when the customers started making their queries . " I was right ! " Larry screamed twenty minutes later . " I was right , I was right ! See , come look at this Rob ! " despite the need to get the systems out I was more than a little interested . The Greek myths were something that had always interested me and , well , I really needed a break after the morning I was having . Sue and Mike both gave me sidelong glances and Dave , our boss , gave me a look that told me that I would be working overtime if those databases were not up and running . " Look ! " he said pointing . On his desk were a dozen or so maps of different types and one huge blowup of a satellite image . " I had a friend of mine at NASA get this for me . I owe him about three cases of booze for it but it will be worth it . " " Come on , " he insisted pointing at the image . I looked closer . It was a picture of the same spot he had shown me last week . The lighting was different but the shadow still stood exactly as it did before . " All myths have their roots in some fact . In ancient times no mortal could find it unless the gods wanted you to . I think this is one of those things . " " Because you can 't hide from photography . The eye you can fool , but not film . And , " he said smiling a little , " I think that maybe they want to be found or at least one of them does . " I sat back in the extra chair in his cubical . It was then that I noticed that Larry 's office had changed . There were none of the normal posters of his fantasy world . In their place were maps of every sort of the area around Mt Olympus . On some of them he had drawn in the cone with red pen . There were maps of ancient Greece , with clear overlays of the modern map . There were genealogy charts that followed all of the gods and goddess . He had taken the system roll - out schedule off his white board and replaced it with lists of supplies , travel plans , flight numbers and hotel names . " I have been digging up everything I could on this in the last couple of weeks , and not just on the Internet . I have done some serious book work on this as well . I have found some really great stuff . " " Forget that , this is huge . What if we could find our way into the home of the gods ? Think of the things we could ask them . " " Is that all you can think about ? Look at this . " He picked up a book about the stealing of fire from the gods . " This talks about how it only happened because Prometheus , one of the gods , wanted it to . Think about what it could mean . " " I don 't know what I 'll find , but I 'm going to find something . But right now I 've got to go talk to Dave about some time off . " With that he got up and walked out of his cubical and headed towards Dave 's office . " I quit ! Can you believe it ? They would not give me the time off when I have found something this big . Dave said something about after the roll - out . But what if this thing disappears , what if this is a short time offer . What if it is only one god that wants to be found , like I think it might be , and the others find out about it and close the door . We can 't wait . We have to get over there now and check this thing out . " " Wait a minute Larry . I can 't go . I have a job to do . We both do . We are grown men , we can 't just go running off on a wild goose chase . " " You too ? Damn narrow minded people , can 't even see past the end of your noses . You sound just like the rest of them ! " was all that I got from him as he pushed past me and walked out . " Rob , " I looked up to see Dave standing at my desk . " I hate to have to do this to you but it is going to be hard on all of us . Larry quit this morning , as I am sure you know , so we are going to have to divvy up his roll - out responsibilities . " Dave always had this way of whining that made my skin want to crawl . It was only worse when he wanted to give you bad news . It was as if he picked the most annoying voice to deliver the most annoying news . " Something about finding Mt . Olympus and that he needed time off . I told him some time after the roll - out was completed , but he insisted that it had to be today . When I told him that was not possible , he quit . Just like that . So like I said , we are going to need to you do some over time . " there was that voice again . " Rob , screw all of that . Listen to me . This is huge . I 've found it ! The entrance to Mt . Olympus . I bought you a plane ticket . I need someone here to help me document this . You are the most detailed person I know . You have to come here . I mean , it is nothing like I expected . It is more than I ever imagined ! " " Larry , hang on a second . What ? There is no way . What about Dave ? " I was still half asleep and having a hard time understanding him . " Rob , I promise that you will not regret this . Listen , the ticket will be delivered to you first thing in the morning . I have to go . " The line went dead . I lay in bed for a long time , not able to get back to sleep . Half of me was cursing Larry for waking me up , half of me dying to see what he had found . I had to admit even with everything I had been through in the last few weeks , I was interested . I had been since the first day he had shown me . I did not quite know if I should believe him , but it was certainly interesting . Besides , although he was a bit odd with all the fantasy things , Larry was not one to really make something like this up . He always did his homework . For a long time I could not decide what to do , but in the end practicality won out . If this ticket did show up in the morning I would just throw it away and go on like the phone call had never happened . Larry would have to find someone else . " I have been here since five , Sue . " I was beyond aggravated with this line of questioning , and so made my way to my desk trying not to hear her last comment . She was the kind of person that always had to get the last word in . I had no more than sat down at my desk when my phone rang . I looked at the caller ID and was both relieved and concerned that it was an internal call . That meant that the customer was not having a problem with their newly rolled out system , but it could very well be Dave with a complaint that the customer had taken over my head . When I got to the front desk , Dave was standing there and he didn 't look happy . Apparently Mary had called him right after she got off the phone with me . Or maybe right before . One look at the delivery guy , and decided it must have been before . Mary and Dave looked like a firing squad . " What is this all about , who is it from ? " I had not looked at who it was from but I knew it was from Larry . " Rob ? Who is it from ? " Now he was getting on my nerves . " You are not supposed to be getting mail at the office . It is a distraction . Hand it over and it will be on my desk when you are ready to go home . " Who did Dave think he was ? Wasn 't it illegal for him to take my mail ? I would have to look it up when I got back to my desk . " You know , I never really understood that . You think that grown men and women are going to be distracted by getting mail ? We are not three - year - olds Dave . " " I am not a three - year - old , " I said raising my voice a bit so that everyone else could hear . " This is total bull . You have no right to take my mail where ever I get it delivered . I have given ten years of loyal service to this company , and you want to treat me like I am a child . Fine ! You want the letter , take it . " I held it above me head waving it slightly . Dave reached for it but came about six inches short . I smiled at him and walked past him into my cubical . I picked up my jacket and keys with my free hand and pushed past him again . A few minutes later I sat with my head on the steering wheel , my heart pounding and hands shaking . What was I going to do now ? I was on my way home to get my resume up to date , when I remembered the letter . It was sitting on the seat next to me . I felt like it was calling to me , tempting me to open it . I didn 't even want the damn letter and now I had quit my job over it . " What was I thinking ? I wonder if it is too late to go back in . " Still the letter was calling me . I reached over and opened it . Inside was a set of plane tickets , a thousand dollars in cash and a note . The tickets are for a 2 : 30 flight so you will have to hurry once you get this . Don 't worry about packing . If you need any clothes or anything you can use the money in the envelope . I will pick you up at the Athens Airport . " Now what ? " I had his money . I was glad that I had not run the entire letter through the shredder or given it to Dave . " But , now what ? " This morning I found Larry standing in our hotel room . His towel still wrapped around him , a set of maps in one hand and a slice of bread and lox in the other . He didn 't notice me for a few moments . " We are in the Olympic national park , south of Mt . Olympus . Here , let me show you . " He carried the map to the table with the coffee pot spreading it out . " Here is Mt Olympus . It is about 2917 meters tall . Now here is the GPS unit I bought . See , it has the ability to save previous locations so you can find your way back . Now I know that it is accurate to about one hundred feet . See , the latitude , longitude and elevation of this place is here , and this is what the GPS shows . " " That would be because we 're one floor up . Last week , I climbed up to the highest point on the map , here . " He pointed first to the map and then to the GPS the numbers all matched . " Then using this enlargement of a satellite photo I found this trail right here . " He said pointing to a thin white line on the photo . " Rob , listen to me . When I was up there as soon as I found the trail , everything around me seemed to be shrouded in mist . At first I didn 't really notice it , but the further I went the denser it became . " " I thought so too , but then when I turned around I had a really hard time going back down the path . There were even parts I felt like I was going up again , and I can promise you that when I was going up there were no downhill parts . It was like I kept getting turned around , but the GPS unit said I was going the right way . And here is the kicker : as soon as I was back down at 2917 meters , no mist , no cloud , nothing . " " Larry , I 'm here . You have given me some pretty hard evidence , but I want to see it for myself before I totally agree . " I could not believe the words that were coming out of my mouth . " Good . This morning after we get dressed , we 'll go into town and get outfitted with some supplies . It is a two day hike to the top . You will be glad of all those times I dragged you to the climbing gym with me . " " Hang on a second Larry , " I sat on a near by rock and caught my breath . " Larry , I had a thought . What if we get up in the mist like you did and we can 't find our way out ? " " That is why we have the extra supplies . They should last us a few days at least , and longer if we get really lost . But I don 't think we will get that lost . We have the GPS unit , and can just keep following it until it eventually leads us out . " Everything will be fine . You 'll see Rob . Ah , here it is ! " He was pointing to a little worn spot in the rock . " This is it , just like I told you ! Now we just follow this a little ways and we are in . Ready ? " " Okay Larry , end of the rope . I will go back and untie it . You wait here and tie your end off , " I said a few minutes later . I picked my way along the path and as Larry had said at points the path seemed to go up and down , even though when we had come in it was most certainly all uphill . When I finally made my way back down to the base the fog had indeed cleared . I untied the rope and made my way back up the rope , winding it up , as I went so that it would not get snagged on anything . " You know something weird ? " Larry said breaking the long silence . " When you were walking away , you went down the path , but there were times that I watched the rope , go way up like you were going up hill . Just like a told you . " " I will go back this time . You look a little wiped out . " Larry said when we reached again reached the end of the rope . It had taken us longer this time as the path had begun to wind and we had to find places to loop the rope so that we would be able to follow it back if we needed to . " Thanks , " I said as I watched him walk back in the direction we had come . In truth I was more than a little tired . I tied my end to the nearest rock and sat down on it . " Why did you come ? It has been so long . " The voice said . The voice was soft and sweet and definitely not Larry 's . Then I heard something moving nearby and it sounded like a big animal , but it was coming from a different direction than the voice . " Who 's there ? " I said , no longer able to hide the fear in my own voice . There was no answer . I yelled for Larry again . " You mean we can 't leave ? " No answer , but now I saw something moving in the mist . " I am not going on with out the rope , " I said to Larry . In a couple of minutes I found the end of the rope . I untied it , turned around to go back and bumped into something . It was softer than rock , but just as solid . I backed away and felt something brush against me . After what seemed like an eternity the voice spoke again , " You cannot return to your friend . He has passed beyond you . " This time it had more firmness than before , but it was still soft . " What does that mean ? " There was no answer . " Hey , what does that mean ? What have you done with him ? " Then I felt a huge body pressing against me . It was covered in hair and more than a match for me . " Wait ! " I yelled , but it did no good . The beast was forcing me down the path . I screamed for Larry until my voice was gone , but the beast never faltered and soon I stood alone on the top of the mountain . The air was clear and I could see all around me . That was three years ago . I have written down every detail of what happened to us , thought it will make little difference as no one will believe it . I have tried many times since then to go back , but each and every time I did the beast was there . I heard from Larry only one more time . I returned to the mountain ten days after our first encounter . This time the beast was accompanied by a smaller creature . It appeared to be a sprite of the kind that Larry used to keep on his desk . It did not speak , but handed me a small scrap of paper . Mason Thompson was the town elder . No one alive knew exactly when he arrived from England . Tales had him arriving by tall sailing ship , by a great ocean steamer , even by a dirigible from pre - war Germany . 1890 land records showed that a Mr . Mason Thompson , then age 40 , purchased property and settled in the town of Parker , Arizona . The private man once taught school . Many of his students went on to good universities . Few found fault with Mr . Thompson or his teaching methods . When he folded up his bifocals and retired from teaching , he spent many a day rocking peacefully on his front porch . He kept his home up well . He never married , remaining content to spend his time alone . On occasion , Mason would spirit away to his secret fishing hole . Time moved forward to the year 1940 . The townsmen wanted to treat Mr . Thompson upon his 90th birthday . Thompson was now feeble , carefully , slowly moving with a gait that suited his advanced years . The good townspeople planned a magnificent trip for their elder . A short flight to New York was easy enough . He seemed quite pleased with the adventure . The elder slept well as a larger craft propelled the travelers on their way to England . They completed the journey by traveling by train from Heathrow Airport to London proper . He was to meet with people he had left behind so many years before . " It 's him ! " exclaimed the oldest lady in the mob . With axe handles and thatched ropes , the angry mob hauled away the old man . " Finally got you , you savage ! There is no statute of limitations on murder ! Killing all of those women - what were you thinking of , Jack ? " " Last day on the job and what happens ? I get a called to go down to the beach . Something big has washed up , " I said to my wife over the cell phone . As I neared the beach I could see that a crowd had gathered . But I could not see what they were looking at . The Highway Patrolman that called me was standing a little ways off trying to get them to disperse but not having much luck . " Well , I had better show you . Come on down to the waters edge with me . " We walked to the edge of the water and I could see that there was indeed something very large , sticking up out of the surf . " Very old to be sure . With a bow line like that is has to be a World War two boat . And look at those torpedo doors . And in such wonderful condition , how is that possible ? Son you really should have called the Navy for some thing like this , I deal with animals , you know whales and other large sea creatures . " " Well just look . " He pulled me to one side so I could see the boat in profile . There attached the to rear end of the submarine was the largest Colossal squid I had ever seen . It enveloped the whole rear end . And more to the point it was a live . " Where is the witness ? " He led me over to a young girl of about twenty , sitting near his patrol car . She sat with tears streaming down her face staring out at the beached submarine . " Diane , this is the man I told you I was going to call . Can you tell him what you saw . " She shook her head and started to sob . " You need to tell Mr . Barnwell here what you saw so that we can help those people . " She nodded then and sniffed several times before beginning . " That boat , just came crashing out of the water . Then one of the holes opened up . I could hear men shouting , then one of them got out and ran across the boat and tried to jump into the water , he was not very fast , he looked old . But then that monster grabbed him . It picked him up and smashed him against the deck . " " Thank you Diane . You just relax now , " I said . We walked a little ways away before I spoke again . " Did she say she had heard men shouting . " " I am not sure yet . " I waited until he had moved the girl away from the car and then started working the radio . I didn 't know what frequencies they used in world war two subs but , i figured it was worth a shot . I switched it to the universal guard frequency . " We hear you . " Came back a very scratchy voice . " We do not have much power to transmit so please listen close . This is the U . S . S . May . We have found the lost city of Atlantis , but when we tried to return , we were told we could not . Ten days ago , myself and half of my crew were able to escape . MyXO and the other half stayed behind to buy us the time we needed to escape . " He paused and I waited wondering if they had run out of power . " Yesterday we were within site of land , but their guardian caught us . We have been trying to fight it off , but with no luck . We were finally able to beach ourselves here . You need to know that Atlantis is real , It 's people are nearly human like us , but they have incredible life spans . " " The creature is tearing the ship apart . It will try to kill us all to keep the secret . " The Transmission broke up then to the sounds of chaos both inside and out . I could see the creature moving then , and it was huge . Nearly the size of the sub herself . " Listen , " the voice came again trembling now . " Please say goodbye to our families … We are going to launch a torpedo that has letters from everyone inside . " The was a terrible scream of metal as one of the beast 's arms wrapped around the sail and began to rip it off . " Do not try to find Atlantis . They are a good people but they will kill to protect their secret . " " Captain , Captain . " I yelled into the microphone . But there was no response . A few seconds later a torpedo ran a ground , near the crowd of on lookers . They scattered thinking the thing might explode . Then a giant air bubble escaped to the surface . Several men tried to swim to shore , but the creature made short work of them . grabbing them and dragging them back under . Today three years later , I delivered the last of the letters to family members of the officers and crew of the U . S . S . May . Very few have believed my story , even fewer believed the letters that I had given them . This time , however , the captain 's widow believed me . She cried as she read the letter from her husband , and just like the night it happened I did too . The boat house stood silently on the edge of the lake . It was a very simple structure , with nothing inside . It 's only reason for being was to shelter the fisherman 's boat , who had died long before Jonathan had risen to the throne of the kingdom . This much he had learned from the men he had sent here last night to check it out . They had reported that there was no place to hide , no place to conceal a weapon , just an open room , with a small dock around the inner rim . His watchers had been there since before sun up and had seen no one leave or enter , and they had cleared the surroundings . And Yet he was afraid . He could admit that , and he had good reason to be . Marcus the captain of his royal guard , and been taken hostage by these monsters . A man who was many times more capable of defending himself than he was . Even though they had grown up together , and Marcus had trained him . It had been his job to run the country , and he had fallen out of practice of defending himself . Something he was not proud of , but it was the facts of life . It was one fact that right now he wished could be altered . Two nights before , he had received the letter . Come to the boat house alone , or you will not see Marcus again . Even through his elation that Marcus was alive , he had been afraid . Though at that point it was more of a nagging at the back of his mind afraid , now it was a full bodied terror that gripped him . It had been almost a year since Marcus had been captured and they had given up all hope that he was still alive . Especially since the killers had taken to not only murdering the victims but leaving little more than a bloody mess behind . It was time now , he knew that he would have to go forward , that he would have to enter the boat house . Three of his men were to be on the roof of the boat house in case something happened . He could not see them from where he was standing but that might have been because of the slope of the roof , or the fading light . But they were among his best men , all trained by Marcus himself so he knew that he had little to worry about . " Oh come now , you would not want to spoil the surprise , like our friends here did . " As he said this three bodies dropped into the water . The king hurried to the edge to look in and saw the nearly unrecognizable forms of his guards who had been stationed on the roof . Had it not been for their uniforms he would not have known for sure . " I told you to come alone ! " The voice was angry now . " You had people prowling around here all day , you are lucky that it was only these three that paid the price for your arrogance , but I am sure you feel it was a worthy cause for them to die . You value the lives of your servants so . " " Oh come now you called off the search for your friend long ago . There was no body , there was nothing , and yet you called off the search , and he was your the man you called best friend . What can these men have meant to you . " " How you can be that insensitive . How you can feel nothing . Because , as my hero , " his tone was mocking now , " I figure you might have some advice to give . " He walked full into view now and Jonathan saw the wreck of a man that his friend had become . So many times he had walked this road and so many times he had come upon , battle tanks , damaged planes and dead bodies of men who had fought for freedom from the Nazis . But the war was over , and there was nothing or anyone to worry about . Nothing but the black smog of the burnt gun powder , that came of the guns . It was as if he James Henry Jr . was the last person thing alive . james walked the road for many miles until he stumbled on a device that looked oddly like a rock , but he could not be sure . he pushed a button and ZAP ! James found himself in the same place that he started from , only it looked newer . There were skyscrapers as tall a hundred suburban houses put together . Oh well it must me my imagination . He moved on . The place that he called home was up ahead . It was a really a building that had been destroyed by bombs during the war . He soon came to a building that looked like his , but it was some how different , in a way that he could not put his finger on . It had been repaired of course and painted white , had doors of glass , but there was more to it than that . He looked down at his shoes . His clothes were different . A man rushed out of the building , and said quickly , " The meeting was suposed to be started already . But because you were late , we were late to start . " " But , but , " James said . " No buts , " said the man who had come out of the building . " Lets go , " he said pulling his arm . " Ouch ! " James said . " My name is James Henry . " " No matter , " said the man . " let go , " said James " I came from the year 1945 . What year is this ? " " This is 2010 , " said the man urgently pulling on his arm . " I come from the year 1920 , but still they don 't believe me . " " But I … " he was hauled on to an elevator . he thought , I wonder if I will ever get home . They entered the meeting room , and greeting them was a jumble of noise . " Welcome to the meeting , " the man at the head of the table said . " My name is Phil Smith . Sit down and enjoy one of our doughnuts , and some coffee . " James found a seat and happily enjoyed a Boston cream , one of his favorites , it hit the spot because he was starving . When the meeting ended he left the building and he immediately found the time remote , and pushed the button on it . ZAP ! The Beamer office building rose majestically over San Francisco 's skyline . The owners insisted that recycled steel beams be used in construction . Bright steel and blackened glass captured the bright September day 's light . It was 9 : 00 a . m . A thousand workers were there this Tuesday . FLOOR 74 . Hal sat at his desk , searching for a clue to solve that elusive program problem . His mind drifted toward his stray thoughts . His eyes slowly , quietly closed . FLOOR 35 . Alice was a good manager , perhaps with too much dedication to her people . Promoted to the job she always wanted , her task was now to cut the staff by ten per cent . Tears fell as she reviewed the hefty list before her . She lowered her head to the desk , cried , then dozed off . LOBBY LEVEL . Sammy O ' Neal was not an educated man . He knew how to work hard and his bosses were pleased . After an hour 's fight with an ancient floor buffer , Sammy stopped for a short rest . He sat heavily into a wooden chair , slowly pouring his coffee . He slept peacefully . First was heard a low and constant rumble . Was this an earthquake ? Was the city falling into the ocean ? " Geeez Susan , I 'm sorry I was late , " Neil said walking to her office . She signaled for him to close the door . " The directions that they gave out on Friday were horrible and I got lost . But I was only fifteen minutes late , I didn 't think that warranted a closed door meeting . " " Come on Neil , you know that is not what this is about . I wanted to show off my new office . " She stood and spread her arms " Look I can 't touch both walls at the same time . " " It is pretty big . " " And look at this view , " She said turning around to face the window . " How is your office ? " " Not as nice as this one , but much better than that rat hole they had me in in our old place . " They watched the ducks in the pond out the windows for a few minutes . " Neil , since you have a guilty conscience I do have a problem for you to work on . " " Susan , you know my work load . " " It is not a big deal , just something I want you to look into when you have a few spare moments . " " Alright , so what is this little project you want me to do ? " " Simple , my desk lamp is missing . " " Oh come on Susan … " " Now wait a minute , " She interrupted his protest . " It is not the only thing . The C . E . O 's favorite coffee cup , and a few other people have reported things missing . " " You know those things could have just been lost in the move . " " Well that is where this starts to get weird , they were all here yesterday when the management team and I moved in . I talked to the Custodian this morning , and he said that the things might be in the mine . I don 't have the slightest clue what he is talking about , and well , I know you are into the weird stuff . " " You know just because I have a suit of armor and go to the renaissance festivals , does not really make me into the weird stuff , but fine . What is it you want me to do ? " " Simple , talk to the custodian , find out what he is talking about and get our stuff back . " " Fine . Sounds like fun . " The phone rang and he showed himself out of the office . He made his way b * * * * * " Neil I need you to come into my office . " Susan 's voice came from his phone , but instead of her normal calm , it had a definite edge to it . " Be right there . " " Come quick ! " He set the phone down and walked over to her office in time to hear Susan 's scream . The scene in the office was utter chaos . Paper and furniture were everywhere . The cord of the desk lamp was tangled around Susan 's neck and her face was beginning to turn red . " Help me ! ' she choked . " Mine . " " What ? " " Help me ! Help me get this thing off me . " She scratched at the cord . " Mine ! " " Who said that ? " He looked around for who or what was pulling on the other end of the lamp and strangling his boss . " Mine ! Mine ! " He managed the get his pocket knife out and cut the cord . " What the heck is going on here ? " " The lamp , it started to fall off my desk , " she said through shallow gasps . " I tried to grab it , but then the cord got wrapped around my neck . " " Did you hear that ? " " What ? " " The voice , it kept saying , mine . " " What are you talking about ? " " Never mind I better go check on Bill . " He rushed out of her office and down the hall to the executive suite . Bill 's receptions smiled a greeting until he rushed past her . " Wait you can 't go in … " That was all she got out before he opened the door . Bill was laying face up on the floor with a mark the shape of a coffee cup on his forehead . The cup lay broken on the floor next to him . " Mine , " the voice sobbed . " Mine , mine , mine . " * * * * * Neil walked out next to the stretcher with Susan on it . As the walked across the lobby , Bob came up to them . " I told you to leave it alone . She has got one heck of a temper . And being two she thinks everything belongs to her . " " Mine , " Neil whispered . " I am sorry for your loss Brent , but it will do your kind no good for you to die uselessly , " He said compassionately . He was right of course , even if Brent hated to admit it . It would be beyond useless for him to add his life to the billions that had already been lost . " Yeah . " Brent said with a snort . There was a long silence after that until he finally ask the question he had wanted to ask for over a year . " Why did they do it Crag ? " " But they had come to us . They wanted to know more about us , then , then this . " He swept his arms wide in either direction to show the utter destruction . JERRY By Anima Zabaleta Find more from her at zabbadabba . com Jerry knew what was what in the world . Needing employment after high school , he started working construction sites . First as a laborer , then as a concrete form builder , and finally as a carpenter . Jerry had wanted to go college , but when Mary got pregnant , that dream folded , and a 6 day work week became the norm . One day , while cleaning up the job site , he came across a neon green tape measure . He placed it in the roll - around toolbox , thinking that the guy who lost it would have a better chance of finding it there . And there the tape sat for months . January rolled around , and the studs needed to be laid out on the fourth floor . At least it was inside work , and Jerry wasn 't having to run the dry wall crew . Good thing too , because he was on a regular diet of Ibuprofen and cigarettes . Much more heavy lifting and he 'd be done for . " Dammit , not what I need today ; the sparkys will be here to run the electrical tomorrow , and we got to get these walls done . Is that goofy green tape still in the job box ? Go get it , and while you 're there , grab me a few Tums . " Jerry and his apprentice started to lay out the new walls , and everything was normal ' til just before break . The apprentice pulled the tape , walking to the projected corner . Jerry watched the numbers , then called out - " Ho … " Double checking the tape , though , he didn 't see numbers , but rather a message : Your girls will marry well . " What the … " " Come on , let 's eat . " he said , mostly to cover for the strange feeling he was starting to have . He hadn 't really seen that , had he ? " I 'll be ok after break " 30 minutes raced by . Jerry still felt odd , but the walls weren 't going to build themselves , He sent his apprentice out again . And again there was a note : Mary will be ok . Every dimension , there was another reassuring fragment . The house is paid for . The girls will go to college . Your investments are sound . But his anxiety continued to mount , and he was starting to sweat . One last wall and they 'd be done . Jerry dreaded looking down . You did a good job . You measured up . Jerry jerked the taped as he collapsed . Now the green tape too , was broken , and wouldn 't recoil . * * * * * * The Measure of a man . By Jeffrey Hite " When I joined the priesthood this is not something that I expected to be doing . " Father George Mathews told the interviewer . " I mean there are not many Priests in space , Really there is not much call for them , but I guess I fit the bill . " " Yes , I thought it was rather odd myself when I got the request to interview you . I didn 't realize it was going to be a very long distance conversation . But there are many people here on earth that know about you and want to know more about what you do . So can you tell us more that about ? " " Most people that work in space are not much on religion . There is a large gap that normally exists , it is almost like you can believe in the science that powers your ship or you can believe in God . I see no reason why there is not room for both . God created the universe and everything in it , even the science that powers your space ship . This is the first half of my message . The second half of my message is helping those who feel called to the faith , but feel that they don 't measure up . Out here with the great vastness of the universe it is very easy to feel very insignificant in the grand scheme of things . There is more to it than that , but those are the two basic concepts . " He paused the recording then thought about his answer . It was going to take more than two hours for him to get the next question , so he tried to anticipate the questions that might be asked in response to his answers . " There are other things that I do of course . My normal job is to travel along the trade routes , from the inner solar system to the moons of Jupiter and Saturn , and the stations in the middle . As I near a ship or station or base , I hail them , let them know who I am and ask to come aboard . As part of that , I try to say Mass and hear the confessions of any one who is interested . Some times I am welcomed and some times I am not . In those places I try not to over stay my welcome , but normally when they hear that I am a priest I am at least granted access to board , and offered a meal . " " Thank you Captain you are kind . My ship suits me fine , but I appreciate your hospitality . You have no one on board that would like to talk to a priest ? " " Fine but , keep your religion to yourself , or you will be taking your food in a to go bag . Are we clear ? " This was a pretty typical response for a nonreligious . " Well … I can understand that . Our engineer says that you have only the most rudimentary communications " He said leading the way to the galley . " They suit my needs . I have found that it is not what you have , but what you possess inside that counts . " " Oh I see , well yeah I can see that , but it does help to have things around you that make the trip easier to deal with . I mean , when we want to talk to , earth or any of the other space ports we have video and holographic capabilities , and then there is the whole video library that we can view , everything that comes out , in any of the major media outlets we have in a few hours . We all have the latest in sound quality in our cabins . I even found a sound dampening method that prevents the other crew members from having to hear each other , even when they are in adjoining cabins . " " Oh they have com units if they want to talk to each other , but most of the time , they are either on duty or in their own cabins enjoying the modern amenities . Those can take the place of just about anything . " The rest of the meal was spent on small talk , and news from the inner system . The captain had shown him all of the fancy gadgets that made life better for him , and how they had revolutionize the lives of the space traveler . I had been a dizzying experience . For a long time after that meeting he had thought about the possibilities of the upgrades he could make to his ship . He certainly had the money . His monthly stipend from the Vatican had sat mostly untouched since he left earth ten years before . He had no need for the money here . Maybe it was time to update a little bit . But the he remembered something . When he had been a child on earth , the parish priest , had given a homily one Sunday that , had led him into the religious life in the first place . It had been about another priest that had missed the point . He had collected names and titles and many many objects that meant a great deal to him , but none of them , not a one , brought him closer to God . He started the recording again , " My primary job here in space is to help others remember that , just because we have the heavens laid out before us , that does not put us on equal footing with God . And no matter what miracles of science , titles or great ships or even fleets we collect , none of of that can bring us any closer . All we need in this life , is inside ourselves . I try to help people understand that , try to get them to use that as their yard stick , when they prepare to measure the value of their lives . " He transmitted the message then . That should answer just about all of their questions he thought . The Measure of a Man by Jeffrey Hite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - Noncommercial - No Derivative Works 3 . 0 United States License . Based on a work at greathite . blogspot . com . " All we have been through is this wild story you have told us . You have not told us why you were trying to break into the space center or what you were going to do there . " The Major leaned in closely and spoke in a quiet voice . " Look I told you . I was out in the desert about a week ago . At least I think it was a week ago . What year did you say it was ? " " Alright so , I was out there and the next thing I knew the stars kind of winked out . Not one at a time or anything , but all at once . At first I thought I was dreaming but then I heard them talking to me . " " The voice changed them some how it became , well , different . So I looked and the face that was looking back at me was not at all human . I can 't really describe it other than to say that it was not human . " " You do not need to worry , we mean you no harm . But we must warn you . There are things outside the safety of your planet that you are not ready for . " " You must tell them to stop exploring outer space . We will return when you are ready . We would have come sooner when you first launched yourselves into space , but we did not think you would try so soon and it is a very long journey from our home . " " They said ask Glenn what he saw if you want proof . " I screamed as they grabbed my arms . " They said he would have been the first one high enough to see it . " 3 . I have kids ( lots ) and I talk about them too . 4 . I am an author and an editor , you will see some of that here . CycleProGo - An App Review Rules For Dating , A Guide For Teenage Boys . - A Response of Sorts - With Updates The Spray Cheese Legacy Cheap Astronomy245 . 2 Snippet _ Fermi Paradox - 20 June 2017245 . 1 . Snippet _ Velocity Addition ( formula ) - 12 June 2017245 . SISS Episode 24 , DNA in space - 4 June 2017 Unknown FeedAn error has occurred ; the feed is probably down . Try again later . 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Hi , my name is Courtney . I 'm trying to live my life , but , no one said that it was easy . I make mistakes like any other person . I 've always had an interest in writing , so here goes ! : ) My parents had to make an emergency business trip to Las Vegas and left just a few hours ago . I had begged them to take me with them , but they absolutely refused . I just wanted to get away from Beachside for a couple of days . They were only going to be gone until Monday night , what is so bad about missing one day of school ? I felt an overwhelming need to escape . I stared at my phone , not knowing who to call . I couldn 't call Haylie , she slapped me . I couldn 't call Adam , he was respecting my wishes to be left alone . I didn 't want to call Henry , I would spill every horrible secret that Haylie had to make him stop loving her . Justin and Sarah were completely out of the question , they both work Friday nights . I took a deep breath and clicked the call button . I got an answer on the first ring . " Hey , Taylor , " I said . " I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight . " " Of course , Court , " he said . I could practically see him smiling though the phone . " I 'll be over at your house in ten . " I don 't know what possessed me to call Taylor . We 're friendly with each other . I think it was because I was lonely and there was no one else around to comfort me . I 'd have to admit , I was actually surprised to see him riding onto my driveway in his Harley . He parked his bike , took off his helmet and sat down next to me on the porch . I 'm not going to lie , Taylor looked really hot in his white t - shirt , jeans , and leather jacket . I had little butterflies in my stomach . " Hey , stranger , " he said , smiling . He noticed that I was shivering a little . " You look cold . " He took off his jacket and draped it over my shoulders . I smiled . I had forgotten how sweet Taylor could be . " Thanks , " I said , grateful for his jacket . " It 's nice to see you . " " It 's nice to see you too , Court , " he said , sincerely . He was silent for a minute . " So , are you going to tell me what 's wrong ? " I shook my head no . I didn 't want to talk about it . I didn 't want to talk about it to Brittany and I definitely don 't want to talk about it to Taylor . " I really don 't want to talk about it , " Jayjay0jt Hey , guys ! It 's another Friday ! How has your week been ? I 'm super excited about Monday ! I start school ! ( Yes , you guys might think I 'm crazy , but I 've gone through a month and a half of crazy mostly non - productive behavior . ) I 'm really not excited about buying books . Who decided to make books so expensive ? On the bright side , I needed a book that cost $ 122 in the bookstore ( for a USED copy ! ) , but was only $ 25 with shipping on half . com . I swear , half . com is going to be my best friend ! = ] Onto a more interesting subject : MOVIES ! Has anyone seen any good movies lately ? The last movie I saw was New Moon ( and I LOVED it ! I 'm a Team Taylor fan now - my boyfriend just rolls his eyes everytime Taylor 's name comes up , unless it 's Taylor Swift ) . I 'm planning on seeing Valentine 's Day . It seems interesting that they have so many well known actors in the movie that I 'm willing to check it out . I heard Avatar was EXTREMELY good . Do you guys have any reccommendations on any movies in theaters right now or just any movie in general ? Feel free to comment below or start a random conversation with me . I would really enjoy it ! : ) The next few days passed without any incident . It was really awkward seeing Logan in class , but he had enough sense to sit in the front of the class and not his usual seat besides me . The entire school knew that he had cheated on me and that I had broken up with him . Today , he tried to talk to me as I walked out of class . " Court , can I talk to you ? " Logan asked , trying to catch up to me . I quickened my pace . He grabbed my arm and I turned around . " Don 't you dare touch me , Logan ! " I yelled , yanking my arm away . I caught the attention of a few students . They were eagerly waiting to see what would happen next . " We have nothing to talk about . I want you to stay away from me . " I quickly walked away and tried to ignore the stares . Brittany caught up to me after my next class and was nagging at me to talk to Adam . " If you don 't do it soon , you 're going to explode and make the situation worse , " she told me . I knew that she was right , but I didn 't want to confront him . I was done with confrontations . I had confronted Adam and I had confronted Logan ( twice ) . I was just tired and emotionally drained . Strangely enough , I didn 't miss Logan at all . Maybe I was still in shock . I told him that I loved him for the short time we 've been together . But , if I had truly loved him , shouldn 't I be extremely depressed , whining , crying , spreading rumors about Haylie - having the exact same reaction that Farrah did when Taylor cheated on her ? Then , it hit me . I was never truly in love with Logan in the first place . I still think about Farrah from time to time . I wondered how she was . I wondered if she was over the whole Taylor incident . I wondered how long it took for her to get over it . I never thought about how she felt , I had only thought about being with Taylor . I couldn 't believe how selfish I was . I wonder if I could ever forgive Haylie for what she 's done . I made my way to the cafeteria and got a sandwich to eat . I walked out to the quad and found an empty bench . I took out my physiology book and started to read about neurons . I stopped readPosted by Adam gave me a ride home . He didn 't want my parents to get worried about me . I gave him a hug and waved bye to him as he drove off . I used my key and opened the door . I took a peek inside . The house seemed quiet , I don 't think my parents were awake yet . I tiptoed inside and tried to make as little sound as possible , making my way up to my room . They were probably mad at me because I didn 't call them and tell them I was staying out ( although , I don 't know how I could have given them notice , I don 't want to have explain what had happened between Adam and I to my parents ) . " Where were you ? " I jumped 3 feet in the air . I turned around . " Britt , don 't do that ! " I told her . I clutched my heart as I tried to return to my normal heart rate . I can see the headline on the front page : " 17 - year - old California Girl Dies From Heart Attack " . " Sorry , but you really had me worried ! " she said . " Let 's go into your room and talk . " I nodded and followed her into my room . I closed the door shut on my way in . " What happened last night ? " she asked me , curiously . I tell my sister everything , I couldn 't keep this from her - it was too big . It took me 20 minutes to explain to her what had happened between Logan and Haylie , everything between Adam and I , and the whole situation of Adam lying to me about Haylie doing drugs and me confronting her about it . " Did you ever confront him about lying to you ? " " No ! I 'm such a coward ! " I exclaimed to her . " I can 't go and confront Adam . " " You confronted Haylie about her doing drugs , " she said . She used finger quotes when she said " doing drugs " . " Yeah , but I was furious with her , " I said . " I think you should be furious with Adam for lying to you because - " The doorbell rang , interrupting her . She sighed . " I 'll get it . Mom and Dad left early to go to the office and do paperwork . " She went downstairs to answer the door . I decided to change out of the clothes I slept in last night and take a nice , long shower - erasing all traces of what I did last night . I didn 't need my parents freaking out even more - to have them cPosted by * Sorry this is late , I could have sworn it posted ! Again , sorry for the delay * It was as if time had froze . I didn 't know what to make of the situation . My best friend told me that he loved me and not in the " I love you , buddy " way , but in the romantic " I love you " way . He had put me on the spot . I sat there , trying to figure out if I felt the same way about him - or could I even feel the same way about him . We 've known each other since preschool and we know everything about each other . I feel that one of the best parts of a relationship is the " honeymoon stage " where they find out everything about each other and they think the other one 's quirks are adorable . But with Adam and I , we know what irritates the other . We know all about each other 's past ( well , at least , I do now ) and we 've hung out so many times over the years . We 'll be like an old married couple . I tried to picture us together - going out to dinner , seeing a movie , taking a walk around the park near my house , talking for hours on end until we fell asleep on each other . I can see that happening , only because we 've done all of those things together . What if I say yes and we end up breaking up ? I 'll lose him forever . But , on the other side of the coin , if I say no , he could decide that he never wants to speak to me again and I 'll lose him forever . I don 't think I could lose Adam . " Court , " he whispered , softly . It broke me out of my train of thought . " What are you thinking ? " He looked at me , his eyes pleading . I took a deep breath , I knew what I was going to do . I looked into his eyes and tried to make this as clear as possible . " Adam listen , we 've been friends for a long time and I love you dearly , " I said . " But really , Adam , I don 't love you romatically . I 'm sorry . " He looked as if his heart was broken into a million pieces . " I understand , " he said . " You didn 't let me finish , " I told him . " I 'm willing to give us a try if we use baby steps and maybe one day I 'll fall in love with you . " He lit up like a little boy on his birthday . " Court , you really don 't know how haPosted by Hey guys ! I want to start this Friday off by thanking you guys for reading my blog . I enjoy reading your comments , even though I 've been really horrible about replying and I 'm sorry for that . I 'm going to try to work on commenting on the comments . So , I 'd like to jump in and ask you guys for your advice . Are men hard to shop for ? My boyfriend 's birthday is coming up next month and I have no clue what to get him . Of course , when I asked him what he wants , he asks for world peace . A couple of days later , he asked for pajama pants . What do you get for your significant other or a male friend ? I find it extremely difficult to shop for someone , often copping out and buying them a gift card to their favorite store or Starbucks or something . He asked for pajama pants , but I don 't think that 's a very " birthdayish " gift from a girlfriend . I feel like it 's a gift that his grandma would give him . Last year , I got him a gift card to a sports shop so he could put it towards a tennis racket . It 's a running joke that I own 1 / 4 of the tennis racket right now and when we 're married I 'll own half . Sorry about all of the rambling . I 'm experimenting with sleep patterns . I heard somewhere that if a person stays up for 3 days straight that they start to hallucinate ( which I think would be pretty cool to experience , psychologically ) . The longest I 've gone so far is 26 / 27 hours straight . My body betrayed me and I fell asleep watching House . Sorry , I 'm getting sidetracked . I should rap this up before I fall asleep . So , please post any comments / responses / chitchat you have and I 'll respond in the afternoon . Happy Friday , guys . I was stunned . I mean . . . I thought that there was someone - anyone - who had slept with him . I knew he wasn 't a ladies ' man but he had some good qualities to him . I thought he had gotten girls . He was talking to this one girl named Ann ? . . Amy ? . . or was it Ashley ? Well , he was talking / getting serious with her last year . I had stopped inquiring about her when Adam told me it was none of my business . But , I never thought that he was . . a . . virgin . We must have sat there in silence for about 20 minutes before Adam cleared his throat . " So , yeah , " he said . " Yeah , " I said , softly . " I thought you were really seriously with . . . " I trailed off . I couldn 't remember her name . Why couldn 't I remember her name ? I remembered that she was petite with warm layered brown hair . She was a animal 's rights activist . She would have been perfect , except for her overbite . But , she made Adam happy , at least for a little while . " Amanda ? " he asked me . He shook his head . " No , Mandi and I weren 't serious . " I was genuinely curious of why it didn 't work out between them . I felt like I needed a distraction from what had happened last night . I needed to think about something else - anything other than trying to recall any details with Adam . " What happened ? " I asked him , stomaching the nauseous feeling I still had . I didn 't want to throw up all over the living room . I tried to look as natural as possible . " Nothing much , " he said . " She wanted to get serious and be committed after a couple of months , but I didn 't feel like we made a good couple . I felt trapped . She just wasn 't the girl for me . " " Oh , " I said . " No other girl can compare to you , " he said , softly . He took my hand in his and looked into my eyes . " Court , I 've been in love with you since I first laid eyes on you . I 've been your friend all of these years . I 've been here through good times and bad times . I just wish you 'd give me a chance . You deserve better than Logan . You deserve better than Taylor . Please , just give me a chance and I promise I would never hurt you . Court , I love you . " I slowly turned around and smiled weakly . " I - I - I was just leaving , " I stuttered nervously . I couldn 't even look him in the eye . I was too ashamed of what we had done . I was so disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen . " We need to talk about this , Court , " he said , calmly . " Don 't bolt on me . " I couldn 't say anything . All I wanted to do was run - run as far away from Adam as I can . I didn 't want to face him . I didn 't want to talk . But , I owe him that much - a talk . I opened my mouth to speak , but nothing came out . Instead , I nodded . " Let me get dressed , " he said , a little embarrassed . He opened his mouth to say something , but immediately closed it . I knew that he was going to make a joke , but had second thoughts . " I 'll meet you downstairs ? " I nodded and went downstairs into the living room . I sat down , tapping my fingers nervously on the coffee table . My fingers grew tired of the extensive tapping and I proceeded to bite my fingernails . It was a bad habit and I don 't do it unless I 'm extremely nervous . It felt like an eternity had passed when Adam finally came downstairs . He came and sat down in front of me . I was still trying to avoid eye contact with him . " Are you hungry ? " he asked , worried . " I can make you something . Let me get you some orange juice . " I shook my head . I could tell that he was just as nervous as I was . I knew that he cared about our friendship as much as I did . I was too nauseous to even think about eating anything . All I wanted to do was to go home and take a long shower . I wanted to wash off all remains of him . I wanted no trace of him left on my skin . The faster this conversation gets started , the faster I can get out of here . " Since you 're not speaking , I guess I 'll do the talking then , " he said . He took a deep breath . " I don 't think we used protection . Do you - are you - can you - " " No , I 'm on the pill , " I said , trying to reassure him . " Don 't worry . " He visibly relaxed a little . " If you are - if you do - " he said , a little awkwardly . " You know I 'm here for you a hundred percent , right ? " " Yeah , " I saidPosted by I woke up the next morning with a hangover . I groaned . My head was killing me . What happened last night ? I remembered that Logan had cancelled another date . Then I went over to Haylie 's house to hang out with her only to find her canoodling with Logan and learned about their secret relationship . Then everything started to get hazy . The last thing I remember , was taking a shot . I knew better than to drink . I only did it out of spite and anger . Angry at Logan and Haylie for betraying me . Angry at Logan for not breaking up with me . Angry at Haylie for throwing out our friendship . Angry that I couldn 't see this coming . I opened one eye . The room was extremely bright . I groaned again . I closed my eye . I felt awful . I tried to recall more information about last night , but I couldn 't remember anything after the shot . Wait . . It took me a minute to realize where I was . It took me another minute to realize I had no clothes on . Oh no . Please no . I didn 't . I didn 't do what I think I did . I turned my head and saw a naked Adam . I quickly looked away . I did . I did have sex with him . OMG . I have to get out of here ! I can 't be here when he wakes up ! I was in panic mode . I can 't believe I was this stupid . I can 't believe that I slept with Adam . I can 't believe I messed up our friendship . I 'm stupid ! Stupid ! Stupid ! I threw away 12 years of friendship . How are we supposed to get past this ? I carefully slipped out of Adam 's bed , trying not to wake up him . I tried to locate my clothes , they were scattered all over the room . Omg , my parents ! They must have been worried ! Where 's my phone ? I quickly got dressed and scavenged for my phone . I looked everywhere . I managed to find it under the bed . I checked my messages . There was a message from Brittany . Didn 't know where you were . Told Mom and Dad you were spending the night at Adam 's . The color drained from my face . She didn 't know how accurate she was . I almost bursted into tears . I had already lost one best friend , now I 'm going to lose another . This is all my fault . I fixed my hair and Posted by Hola , guys ! How was your week ? Do you guys have any weekend plans ? I 've been meaning to ask you guys for recommendations for places to travel . It can be as far away or as close , I 'd love to hear about your travel experience . I got back from San Diego on Monday . It was a blast for the most part . I 'd have to say that the zoo was the best part . The most memorable experience I had was feeding Silver the giraffe . If you get a chance to visit San Diego , they offer giraffe feeding on Saturdays and Sundays between 12pm and 1pm . It 's $ 5 for 3 dog treat looking biscuits . Apparently , giraffes love that stuff . Also , they have panda viewings ! The two sister pandas are available pretty much the whole day , but the new baby panda is only available from 9am to 11 : 30am ( everyday , I think ) . I only caught a glimpse of the baby panda ( it fell off a tree and ran to its ' mama for comfort ) , but it was adorable ! The rest of my trip was not so interesting , but I think I 've learned alot about myself . Honestly , I don 't think that I could endure living in dorms or in an apartment with 4 other girls . Does anyone have any input about this ? I feel like I 'm crazy for saying this . Well , that about wraps it up . Please remember to comment on your recommended places to travel or even a place that you want to travel to one day . It 'll be much appriciated ! Happy Friday ! Oh my god . I couldn 't believe it . Logan cheated on me with Haylie . How did that happen ? I didn 't know how long I had been wandering aimlessly . I did the only thing I could think of , I called Adam . He answered on the first ring . " I need you , " I told him . " Hold on , I 'll be right there . " he said . " Where are you ? " I wasn 't sure where I was . I was pretty sure that I was in one of the backroads . It was really dark , so I continued walking until I saw a street sign . I relayed the information back to Adam . " I 'll be there in a little bit , " he said , softly . Ever since we were little , Adam has been there for me . I remember back in 2nd grade when Jimmy Damon had hit me in the face with the kickball . I was really upset because I knew that he had done it on purpose . He was irritated at me because I wouldn 't give him my cookie . He had been picking on me for the past week and I couldn 't put up with it anymore . I was completely bawling . Adam was there to comfort me . Adam had gotten into a fight with Jimmy on the playground . Imagine two little scrawny kids going at each other . There was a lot of tackling and yanking with a lot of shouting . Adam got elbowed in the nose and ended up with a bloody nose . The teachers broke up the fight and Adam was suspended for 5 days . Although he had never said it out loud , I knew he had gotten into that fight for me . I had really appriciated him for it . I heard tires screeching . I looked up and recognized Adam 's car . The car screeched to a stop and drivers ' door flung opened . Adam came rushing over to me . " You must me freezing , Courtney ! " he exclaimed . He ripped off his jacket and wrapped it around me . He had gotten here in less than 5 minutes . He must have broken a few laws to get here that fast . He lived about 15 minutes away . " I don 't want to be here right now . " I said , shakily . " Ok , we can drive around , " he said . He opened the passenger door for me . I climbed in and put the seatbeat on . I sat in his car as he circled the neighborhood next to where he lived . He didn 't say a word to me . He didn 't ask questionPosted by * I really made a mistake and I think the best way to resolve the confusion that some people are having is to keep this post up . I honestly thought that I caught it early enough so that no one had read this , but to those who have already read it , I 'm really sorry that this is repetitive . So , fast forward a couple of weeks . I 'm really sorry , guys : ( * I threw my phone onto the bed . I couldn 't believe that he had cancelled on me again . It was the third time this week . I was so irritated with him . I knew that he had to work so he could buy another car . That was understandable , but he has been called in to work so many times that I 'm starting to miss my boyfriend . He has been working everyday this week . I decided that since I was all dressed up , I would go over to Haylie 's house to have a girl 's night and to have that much needed talk . I grabbed my coat and made my way over to Haylie 's house . I tried to blow off some steam by walking . I was starting to feel like I came second to his job . It seemed like the coffeeshop was more important to him than I was . I was starting to feel like we moved too fast in our relationship and that our spark was dying . Our phone conversations lasted for less than 3 minutes , sometimes they were just 30 second calls . We talked about the same things over and over again , talking about the past . In a single phone conversation , we said " I love you " about 15 times because we have nothing else to say . I don 't know if Logan felt the same way I did . I arrived at Haylie 's house . I was going to use my key to open the door when I spotted Logan sitting in the living room . I thought he was at work , why was he at Haylie 's house ? I hid behind the bush that was in front of the window . The window was slightly open and I could hear everything that was going on inside . I took a little peek inside . I saw Haylie walk into the living room . She was carrying two mugs and handed one to Logan . " Thanks , babe , " he said . " I love you . " I thought my ears were playing tricks on me . Did Logan just say " I love you " to Haylie ? Haylie saPosted by " Logan , what are you doing here ? " I asked him . " I don 't want to see you . " Adam had slinked away and hid around the corner , motioning that he will be here if I needed him . I knew that he wanted to kick Logan out of his house , but I think that he knows that we have to talk . " I came here to apologize to you , babe , " he told me . He looked sincerely sorry . " I don 't know what came over me and I promise that it will never happen again . I 'm sorry that I ruined our anniversary , Court . " I was silent . I loved that he cared enough to come here and apologize to me . It just showed that he is remorseful about what he did . I was kind of scared now . If he could snap once , he could snap again . I don 't want this to happen over and over again . " Do you love me ? " I asked him . " Yes , I do , " he said , quickly . " Then here 's the deal , " I said . " I 'm not ready to take the next step with you right now . I 'll let you know when I 'm ready . Right now , I need some time to clear my head . I don 't want this to keep happening again and again . " " I completely understand that you don 't want to see me right now , " he told me . " I feel horrible for ruining our anniversary . Please let me make it up to you . Please ? So you don 't hate me ? " He looked like a little boy begging his parents for a new toy . I was heartbroken . I loved him and I didn 't like seeing him like this . I don 't hate him . He made a mistake and I think I should give him another chance . People make mistakes . I sighed . " I don 't hate you , " I said . " You can make it up to me . " His smile said everything . It was adorable how much a couple of words could make him so happy . I really hoped that I made the right decision . " Great , " he said , grinning . " How about now ? " I shrugged . " Why not ? " I said , smiling weakly . I could see Adam 's disapproving stare as we left his house . I was bombarded by texts and phone calls by Logan . He kept telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me . I don 't know why he wasn 't getting my hint . I was trying to ignore him , but I kept getting a text message every 2 minutes . I was started to get so annoyed that I turned my phone off . I sighed . My first instinct was to go over to Haylie 's house and tell her everything that happened , but I can 't do that . We 're not speaking . I really don 't want to talk to her . I have a feeling why she got into drugs , but I really have no proof . I don 't think I could move past this fact , so I 'm going to be a coward and just avoid her . I settled for Adam . I went over to his house . He invited me into his house and I settled into the kitchen as he made me a cup of tea . I told him everything that happened between Logan and I . " I 'm going to kill him ! " Adam shouted , enraged by Logan 's actions . " Did he hurt you ? " " No , you can 't ! " I protested . " He didn 't hurt me . He loves me . " " Do you hear yourself ? " he asked me . " You 're defending a guy who pushed himself onto you . If you hadn 't left , who knows what would have happened ? You sound like one of those girls who stay with their abusive boyfriends . You 're not staying with him , are you ? " That was a good question . I really didn 't know whether or not I wanted to stay with him because of what happened . I do love him , but I don 't want this to happen over and over again . Adam had a point , I shouldn 't be defending Logan . " I don 't know , " I admitted . The doorbell rang and Adam went to answer the door . I heard voices talking and then a yell . The next thing I knew , Logan was bursting through the kitchen door . " Court , I 'm sorry ! " he said . Hey guys ! Happy New Year ! I just realized that my last week 's Fast - Talking Friday didn 't post . Oh well , it wasn 't anything important . It was just about my Vancouver trip . I 'll just give a recap . Ducks eat chicken . Canadian rockies are pretty . The McDonalds there is SO much better here ! It snowed when I was there ! Sorry if that didn 't make any sense , I 'm hyper off of too much soda ! I 'm currently in San Diego . I have been bored out of my mind for the last two days because my friend that I 'm staying with is having a major freak out about Physics . Her apartmentmates are super cool ! I don 't know why she has problems with them . But , I 've been on facebook playing Restaurant City for the last two days . It 's such a great game ! I 've also been watching Gilmore Girls too . It just sucks because my boyfriend has been whining . He really wants me to come home . He doesn 't see the point in my trip because I haven 't done anything constructive for a couple of days . But , I 've learned a couple of things . 1 ) The quarter system is WAY too intense for me . 2 ) The weather in San Diego is really nice . 3 ) NY cheesecake frozen yogurt is delicious . 4 ) DO NOT become an engineering major at UCSD5 ) Having an apartment is really nice . How was your guys ' week ? What did you guys do for New Years and for the holidays ? I asked this in my non - posted Fast - Talking Friday last week . ( Sorry if you guys are sick of answering these questions ! ) Have a GREAT weekend ! = ] Oh , last thing ! Sorry guys , I accidently set a post for today because it 's further along in the story , so when you click on the link , it won 't show anything . I didn 't catch it until now . Sorry for my mistake ! Logan and I made it to our two month anniversery . I wasn 't really excited about it . I didn 't want to go to out to eat . I was too worn out from all the stress lately and Logan knew that . He was sweet enough to understand . He had decided to have us stay in his house . I had to go home after school to change into something nice for Logan . I couldn 't find anything in my closet that was special enough for the occasion . I ended up borrowing a cute pink dress from Brittany . I paired it with a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings that I got for my 16th birthday and a pair of black heels . Logan came and picked me up in his dad 's car . I went outside and he opened the passenger door for me . He 's such a sweetheart . Before I knew it , we were at his house . He welcomed me inside and lit the candles that he had placed in the dining room . " Hang on , let me get the food ready , " he said as he was sitting me down . " Ok , honey , " I said , smiling . He left , leaving me alone in the dining room . It was silent in his house . The only noises I heard were the noises that were coming from his kitchen . I didn 't know what to do with my hands and I kept fidgeting with my phone . I finally just stood up and went into the kitchen to see if Logan needed help . I popped my head into the kitchen . " Do you need any help ? " He looked up , surprised to see me . " No , go back in the dining room , " he said . " I want it to be a surprise . " I sat back down on the chair and continued to fidget with my phone . He came out 10 minutes later with our dinner . He had made salad , lasagna , baked potato , and a cheesecake . He is such an amazing chef . We took our time eating our dinner , talking to each other about the most randomest things . After dinner , we retreated to the living room to watch a movie . He popped in the movie 50 First Dates and we snuggled on the couch . We started kissing and things got a little hot and heavy . His hand was inching his way up my dress . I pushed his hand away . " No , Logan , I don 't want to , " I told him . He kissed my neck . " Come on , Court , " he whispered into my ear . Posted by After the whole kitchen incident , the dinner went by relatively smoothly . I devoured almost all of the deviled eggs and shrimp cocktail . Mrs . Smith made the best deviled eggs and shrimp cocktail . It was really an enjoyable dinner . We retreated to the living room to watch a movie to kill time before the countdown . I caught Adam 's eye and pointed upstairs to his room . He nodded and slipped away quietly . I did the same a couple of minutes later . I snuck up the stairs and went into his room . " What 's up ? " he asked me . " Your mom thinks we 're dating , " I told him , bluntly . I didn 't want to sugarcoat this situation . I was quite frankly tired of all of the drama . I feel like it 's slowly killing me on the inside . It was depressing to think about , yet deal with my drama and everyone else 's drama . " Oh , that , " he said , shrugging . I started to get angry . How could he just shake it off as if it was nothing ? How long has she been thinking that we 've been dating ? Why does she think this ? Honestly , I 've never had feelings for Adam . Never in all the years that I 've known him . He 's a nice guy , but I really don 't see myself with him . I know everything about him - all of his deepest darkest secrets and his fears . I really find it ridiculous that people can 't comprehend that guys and girls can be just friends . " Oh , that ? " I asked , angrily . " Yes , that ! " He sighed . He knew that I was going to explode on him . He knows me just as well as I know him . " My mom is crazy , " he said . " You know that . " " Yeah , but - " I started to say . " No buts , " he said . " She 's been assuming that we 've been dating since we were freshmen . " " And you did nothing to convince her otherwise ? " I asked him , shocked . " Believe me , I 've tried , " he said , smirking . " Who wants to date you ? " I playfully pushed him . " Shut up , " I said , smiling . " You 'd love to date me . " He made a face at me . " Right , " he said , laughing . New Years Day came and there was good news . Uncle Mark was becoming more and more responsive . He still couldn 't speak to us , but he could mouth words to us . He could move his hands and fingers more fluently than before . With each day the color in his face came back , he was no longer a sickly pale color . Even though he still couldn 't eat and drink , I was extremely relieved that he was recovering so well . The big problem is : he couldn 't move his legs . He was doing well for a person who 's been in the hospital for over 2 weeks and hopefully they will transfer him to a closer hospital . My mom felt that he was healthy enough that we could leave the hospital and celebrate New Years . Our New Year 's tradition was to go over and have dinner at Adam 's house and watch the countdown in New York . It was a big tradition of ours since we were little kids . After the long drive back , I immediately went to charge my phone . I hadn 't brought my charger and I had conserved as much battery as I could . Sadly , my phone had eventually died . I realized that I had numerous text messages and missed calls . They were from Haylie , Logan , Justin , Sarah , and Henry asking if I was ok , telling me how worried they were about me , and sending good thoughts to Uncle Mark . I texted Logan back to make plans for our two month anniversary . I smiled . I didn 't know that they cared this much about me . I guess when bad times come to one of us , we all band together . That sounded really cheesy , I know . It 's true . Taylor even came up to the hospital to visit Uncle Mark . I don 't even think Uncle Mark has met Taylor , but it was a really kind gesture . I think this friends thing is going to work . I quickly took a shower . I changed into a red dress and slipped on my favorite pair of black pumps . New Years was one of my favorite times of the year . I loved saying " out with the old and in with the new " . I finished curling my hair and went downstairs to wait for the rest of my family . 20 minutes later , we were on our way to Adam 's house . We were each dressed up for the dinner Posted by Hey guys . I am so sorry ! I completely passed out from exaustion from the trip and I have yet to pack for San Diego . I promise to have the post up tomorrow . I hope you guys understand . Hi , everyone ! This blog is a fictional blog . The posting schedule is on Mondays , Wednesdays , and Thursdays . Fridays are Fast - Talking Fridays , a day where you guys can get to know me better . And ! ! On Tuesdays , there will be a weekly poll that 's just for fun ! I am 100 % committed to sticking to this schedule . I will let you guys know ASAP if something will conflict with the posting schedule . I apologize in advance if something comes up . Three rules to the blog : 1 ) Everyone is entitled to their own opinion . 2 ) NO personal attacks on other commenters . 3 ) Please express your complaints if you are not satisfied with the blog in any way shape or form . I would love to hear what I 'm doing right and what I 'm doing wrong . : ) If you don 't feel comfortable commenting in the comments area , you can email me at jayjay0jt @ yahoo . com . Thank you for taking the time out of your day just to read my blog . You have no idea how much I really appreciate it ! As always , have a muy bueno day ! : ) - J ' et I would really appreciate it if you could take a minute out of your busy schedules to sign this petition . Basically , it is a petition to stop countries from killing whales . The Whaleman Foundation is a really good cause that I strongly support and we 're short on signatures on the petition . Please and thank you ! |
I found this little poem in a really old , well loved poetry book for children I have had since childhood . I think it belonged to my mother when she was a girl or maybe even her mother . The pages are all torn , it has no cover any longer , but I remember reading this and reading this when I was a girl . I memorized James Whitcomb Riley 's " Little Orhant Annie " from this book . Yes , it was spelled Orphant . I guard it with my life as I love this book . Who knows what will happen to it when I die , but I hope it ends up in the hands of some child who will love it as much as I have . March is almost over . It 's gone as quickly as all the other months go . Like a whisper or a breath and it 's gone . So many people I know had birthdays this month . A great month to be born , I 'd say . So many celebrations of life . Because isn 't it great to be born and live in this life ? No matter the trouble , the problems , the fears , the worries , there is still so much to be thankful for and so many beautiful things in this world that we should not dwell on those things which worry us or make us angry . Life is too short . I see young people so immersed in anger and rebellion when they could be accomplishing so many wonderful things . The chicks are growing and some of them can fly up to their roost now . This is either Linda or Marilyn . This is little Mary Foster . She has a hurt leg and I am wondering if I am going to have to nurse her like I did the Rhode Island Red I did a few years ago , giving her spa baths and laying her out in the sun . We shall see , but she is so cute . This is little Shannon the smallest of the peeps . David and I are wondering if she got in the wrong group of chicks at the store as we thought she was a Buff Orpington , but she is not colored like our other Buffs are . Hmmmmm . Did something strange happen in the chicken house ? The one on the right lives on a farm in Iowa and she use to run their quilt shop out of an old chicken coop on her farm . I went there once and it was the cutest shop . I met Mary and she was so nice and friendly . I read her blog now . It 's called , Country Threads Chicken Scratch . She raises a lot of animals and dog sits for people . Go there and see some of her quilt projects . One year I made this particular quilt , but instead of squares between the chickens , I made fried eggs and put them on the quilt . Out of fabric , of course ! I took it to the county fair and got a blue ribbon on it . I will show it to you next time if I can dig it out of my pile of quilts . Or should I say , piles of quilts . I have always wanted to make this quilt . It 's called Use it up , Wear it out , Make it do , Or do without . I like the idea of it and when I make it , I will add some things I cannot do without . My first pair of socks developed holes on the heels so I knitted up some patches and sewed them on . Now I think they would be cute if I put patches all over them . In all different colors . Leave a reply I live such an exciting life . I sometimes can 't stand myself it 's so exciting . My heart rate gets up to almost 70 beats a minute most days , my life is so exciting . Here is what has been going on that is so exciting in my world . Of course , socks . I am having entirely too much fun knitting up little socks for little boys in leftover yarn from other sock projects . These knit together so quickly . I am still astounded I can actually knit socks now . Exciting . Train watching . They are working on the tracks in front of our house . See that big pile of gravel ? They dumped several loads of gravel to put on the tracks . David and I spent some time sitting on our front porch watching them dump these three carloads of gravel . Exciting . In another year there is going to be up to twenty trains a day going by our house . They are trying to fix the rails and crossings to get ready for the heavy train traffic . Molly howls every time a train goes by . She will be howling every hour on the hour once the train traffic picks up . Fun times . Not so exciting . I know there is an honorary Porch Sitting Society somewhere out there in the world , but David and I have formed our own private Porch Sitting Society with David as president and myself as vice president . Membership is open to any friend or family member who wants to join us on our porch . People who like to sit and watch the world go by . Conversation not mandatory , but welcome . We had our first meeting last week . Some friends brought pizza , but it was too chilly to eat out on the porch so we ate inside , but we still called it the Porch Society meeting ! We plan to have them all Spring , Summer and Fall . Exciting . Baking . I love to bake . David enjoyed this pineapple upside down cake . I don 't like it so he had it pretty much to himself . I had made a chocolate chip applesauce cake last weekend , but we had grandsons over and it didn 't last long and I made another one today for a funeral dinner . I still don 't have any cake to eat . Exciting . Not the funeral so much . Watching sunsets . I have noticed several people have posted beautiful sunsets on Facebook recently . We have had some gorgeous ones . If you never look out and see a sunset or sunrise , you are really missing something . Exciting . God 's wonderful creation for all to see . No charge . And last , but certainly not least , I have been in a cleaning mood lately . Early Spring fever I think since the weather has been Spring like the last week or so . My shop has been neglected and with the dogs spending so much time in it this winter , it just needed a good cleaning . I also want to paint it sometime this year so I started removing fabric from the shelves , taking it off the boards and washing and ironing it all . I 've been working on it for a couple of days . Ironing for hours . I don 't mind ironing , but not so much at a time . Finally finished it all today . I have been watching Victoria on PBS the past few weeks and got to wondering about who had to iron all those yards and yards of fabric that were in those Victorian ladies ' dresses . The Queen had her own laundresses and ironers , I am sure , but the common folk had to do their own ironing . No dry cleaners back then . No wash and wear . Mostly cottons , silks and linens . It would be like me ironing yards of fabric all the time . Folded and folded fabric until my arms ached . But , it 's done now and I am excited about it . Talked to our contractor today about replacing the rest of our windows in our house . We have been doing that for years now , it seems , because there are so many windows in this old house . Only four more to go . We also are gutting the upstairs bathroom that hasn 't been remodeled since the 1950 's and putting in new dry wall , tile , toilet , a new cabinet , sink and faucets . I 'm not looking forward to the mess , but am excited at finally getting it done . The last room in our house to be remodeled . Thirty - nine years of working on this old house . Exciting . Hope your life is as exciting as mine . Bye . Leave a reply Well , the blizzard I was hoping would hit us in January never appeared . In fact , we had the warmest January in years and February is turning out to be warm also . Today it was 67 degrees out . It smelled like Spring . We sat on our front porch and watched the Sandhill cranes flying above us heading toward Camp Atterbury where they will rest . They have a distinctive call as they fly and David heard them before we saw them . Trill your tongue against the roof of your mouth and that is kind of what they sound like . We saw two flocks today , but there will be several more . I wanted January to last for a long time . It seems it 's the only month we are not super busy . A time to get things done inside before Spring . I have knitted three pairs of sock , made one quilt and completed another since Christmas . I also made a couple of new pillows last week from some leftover patchwork fabric I found . These are socks I knit for David . No , they do not match exactly because this yarn did not have a repeating stripe , but he likes them . He has to wear blue jeans and navy shirts to work at Ralph Lauren so these socks will go with his outfit . Oh , I forgot I made this pillow also . It came in a kit for a small wall hanging , but I wanted a pillow out of it . I really love it . It was so much fun to make and I 'm thinking an entire quilt made with this pattern would be cute . The skies have been so blue . You can see the Snow Moon peeking between the branches of this tree . Last night it was full and so bright . They say we had a lunar eclipse which we missed and a comet was supposed to pass close to earth . We didn 't see that either . I saw the moon early this morning from our bedroom window and it was so beautiful . There is something about a full moon that lifts my spirits , know that there is a God and makes me feel at one with Him . He set the moon to guard the night , lift the tides and light our way . The sun was shining on her this particular day and she looked absolutely beautiful . A shiny coat , a broad chest and that little white patch . OOOOh , she is so cute . David has been working with her as she likes to bite his feet so I told him to keep treats with him and when she starts to bite his shoe , stop , tell her to sit and then give her a treat . He also has been playing fetch with her and she seems to be breaking the habit of biting on him . He has been sorely tested by this dog I will have to admit . She has been slightly more rambunctious than any of our other dogs have been . She has the sweetness of a Labrador , but the playfulness of a Boxer and sometimes the two don 't mix well . We think she is more Boxer than Labrador . But how can you be angry with her when she has chewed up one more thing , when you look out and see her with her chin on her chair fast asleep ? Kind of like naughty children . They look so sweet when they are asleep ! Can 't believe February is almost half over already . This year is speeding along . One season following the other in quick succession . Hope your year is going well . Happy Valentine 's Day . Bye . Leave a reply This last week has been a productive week for me . I had all kinds of energy and put it to good use . I made an entire quilt for Valentine 's Day . I haven 't been quilting much since I discovered the joy of knitting socks . I have become as much a yarn fanatic as I am a fabric fanatic . I just received more yarn a few days ago and already have two pairs of socks almost knitted . It took a lot of pins to pin it together , but nothing like a king size quilt takes which takes hundreds and I have to crawl around on my hands and knees on the floor to pin it . I have asked ( begged ) David to build me an extra big table for my shop on which I could lay a king sized quilt to be pinned . He says he will do it this Summer . I am planning on doing some remodeling in my shop , painting and moving things , so Summer would be a good time to get a new table . Looks like a porcupine , doesn 't it ? And speaking of animals . We had crescent rolls for dinner last night and one looked very much like an animal . Using up some of my yarn , I have knitted some patchwork socks . These look a little wonky right now because I haven 't blocked them , but I do love how they turned out . Notice , I say , " love " a lot . We kids use to say to each other in school , " Well , if you love it so much , why don 't you marry it ? " Yes , we did say that to each other . I still say it once in a while . We ( David ) finished the puzzle . I liked working on the colored pieces , but when we got to the white pieces I left them all to David . He 's like a little dog with a bone when he has a project like this to complete . He would sit at this for hours looking for pieces . Kept him out of trouble . I must find another puzzle to do . From Maine lobsters , which , by the way , true story , I never ate one lobster in Maine when we were there . Something I have always regretted . Maybe if we drive to Nova Scotia like we want to , we will go through Maine again and I will eat lobster . Michigan cherries . If you ever get the chance to be in Traverse City during the cherry festival , do it . It is so much fun . David and I honeymooned in Traverse City during the festival . Got stopped by a policeman for running a red light . Ate a lot of Burger Chef hamburgers . Anyone remember Burger Chef ? The Burger Chef in Traverse City had hamburger buns that tasted like homemade and we ate them every , single day while there . There were some awesome French fries at the festival , too . We watched otters play in the downtown zoo . I doubt it is still there . We have a road named after our family in Traverse City . Craig Road . At one time only Craigs lived on it , but I don 't think that 's the case now . We slept on David 's uncle 's boat one night and watched fireworks on the bay . I have very fond memories of Michigan , and Traverse City especially . Mount Rushmore . We have been there a couple of times . The last time we were there they had a special program for veterans and asked all the veterans to come up on stage . I was so proud to see David up there as they sang patriotic songs . Love Mount Rushmore . Texas blue bonnets . We were in Texas , Fredericksburg , a little over a year ago . The blue bonnets weren 't blooming then , but I think it would be a sight to see . While in Fredericksburg at Wildseed Farms I bought this poster . It has a lot of different butterflies on it . I am going to Hobby Lobby this week and see if I can get it framed . I 've been moving it around and worry that it will get torn or damaged . I have a wall just waiting for it . The puzzle even had a rooster on it . Chickens seem to follow me everywhere . Speaking of chickens , a friend came up to me in church last Sunday with a big bag and handed it to me and said , " Enjoy . " I was so excited , I looked inside and there was a box and I ripped it open and here is what was inside . A chicken night light . OMIGOSH ! ! ! ! I love it . It now has a place of honor in my kitchen where I can see it every single day . Thank you , Nancy . It was so sweet of you . It looks reddish in this picture , but it is more yellow . I am working on it . It 's supposed to be a wall hanging , but I am going to make a pillow . I will show it to you after it is done . We have been having a few Spring like days . The ground smells like Spring and the buds look ready to burst , which I hope they don 't do as we will have more freezing temperatures . This is a bud on a little lilac bush . A bud on one on my magnolia trees . I just planted this one last Spring . We have an older one that was planted before we built our new porch . It will have lots of blossoms on it this Spring . One year when our oldest son was in kindergarten , the school had a science fair , so I took him outside and we collected branches from different flowering bushes and shrubs and put them in jars of water to watch them burst into bloom . Our son showed all these branches at the science fair and got a blue ribbon . Now I am going to tell you a deep , dark secret about myself . Since I let it all hang out here ( although there are some things I will never tell since my children read this blog . ) I do not like to dust . Really hate it , actually . We live in this old one hundred year old house that seems to produce dust in bushel baskets . I do try to keep a clean house , but every once in a while I find a spot that makes me say to myself , " What happened here ? " For the last couple of weeks when I ran the dryer , I kept smelling something like it was hot . And I noticed that the laundry / bathroom seemed to always need dusting . Then when I was taking a shower I noticed this huge cobweb on the wall and said to myself , " What in the world ! " Then I decided to check behind the dryer and found that the pipe that runs to the outside and sends the lint away was disconnected from the dryer . I told David about it and he said , " Oh , yeah , I noticed that a few days ago . " What ! ? ! ? ! ? Well , just suffice it to say I wasn 't happy about the situation . So , I spent most of a morning cleaning out from behind the dryer , washing the floor and baseboards , cleaning the walls and wiping down the dryer . Then when David got home he brought in the shop vac and finished cleaning behind the washer and I washed the floor behind it and the walls . Found several Decon boxes under there and a Terro bottle . Terro kills ants by the way . David also found one of my paintbrushes . Anyway , I think we dodged a tragedy here because lint is very flammable and who knows what would have happened if the dryer had overheated . So I thank God for watching over us . We have had a couple of near misses through the years that could have turned into tragedies like the time the furnace man came to clean our furnace and the chimney where the gases went up through was so clogged with dirt and leaves that he told us we were lucky we had not all died from carbon monoxide poisoning . We had not lived in the house very long before that and didn 't even know the flue had to be cleaned out inThis little dresser has been in hiding in the bathroom and I brought it out where it can be seen and I like it very much . The new tiled shower will be on the opposite wall from this . We hope to remodel our upstairs bathroom which was put in in the 1950 ″ s we think . New sink and cabinets . I love the tub in there . It is almost long enough for me to lie down in . Well , I have rambled on long enough . Looking forward to the presidential inauguration this Friday . So glad we live in a country where we can change leaders without too much distress . By the way , that policeman who stopped us for running a red light while we were on our honeymoon , just gave us a warning after we told him we had just gotten married . Thank you Mr . Peaceman . Appreciate you didn 't give two stupid kids a ticket that day . Bye . There really ought to be a name for the week between Christmas and New Year 's . I mean , you just spent weeks in a wild scramble to decorate , buy gifts , wrap the gifts , plan a special meal , attend a Christmas cantanta , do some partying if you are so inclined and then Christmas comes and all the gifts are opened , the family comes , the family goes and in a few hours , it 's over . I spent the day after coming down from a complete high . Nothing to hurry to get done . No cleaning to do . No where to go . Ahh , sweet , sweet nothingness . Sleep in , read , knit just for the enjoyment . Work on a new little project I was chomping at the bits to start before Christmas . But I still felt a little lost . Like something was missing . The week of nothingness . I just wish Christmas had lasted longer . And all the tv has is reruns . Glad we have Netflix , but we finished the final show in the series of Longmire , which had quickly become my favorite show on television . I understand there will be a sixth season of it so will have to wait until it comes on Netflix . If you haven 't seen it and like good stories , good acting , handsome men and the west , you will love it . Lou Diamond Phillips is in it and he 's a hunk and the star , Robert Taylor isn 't bad either . ( Hope David doesn 't read this ! ) If we didn 't have Netflix , we probably would not watch much tv . I am trying to cut back and do more reading . I 've put several books on my Kindle . Does anyone else who has Kindle feel like they read faster than when reading from a book ? I feel like I fly through books now . I got Kindle Unlimited because I was buying so many books . Now I can read as many as I want for the price of one book . There is an author I discovered , George Mahood , who has written books about things he has done like bicycle from the bottom tip of England to the top tip of Scotland with no money , no bicycle and no clothes , except the shorts he had on . No bicycle , you ask ? You will have to read the book . He and a friend did it in three weeks with absolutely no money in their pockWe are the grandparents of four brand new golden retriever puppies . Our daughter 's dog had them on my grandson 's , her son 's birthday . What a gift . We haven 't seen them yet , but hope to see them this week . I will get some pictures to show you . Now that the new year is here , I am planning . One of the things that makes life worth living , is to have something to look forward to . I read that somewhere . Someone to love , something to do and something to look forward to . I have been blest all my life with all three . I am always planning . I have known friends who were still making plans on their deathbed . I think that is the human condition . We make plans . Of course , life almost never goes as we plan it which is what makes it so interesting . This Christmas almost everyone got socks that I had hand knitted . It became a running joke as each person opened a package and there were socks . My youngest grandson looked at me with a worried look and said , " Grandma , I hope I 'm not getting socks ! " He didn 't . All the younger boys got train sets this year . And Nerf guns with plenty of Nerf bullets . Once you have worn hand knitted sock , you never want to go back to store bought . They are warm and comfy and stretchy . One year I bought a couple of pair of socks from the Ralph Lauren store that were really cute , but when I got them home , they had absolutely no stretch in them . I could barely get them over my heels . Sad , too , because they were really , really cute . I have no trouble getting hand knit socks on and off . I hope they last longer than store bought socks also . David and I spent a quiet New Year 's Eve . We went to an Italian restaurant and ate dinner . That night while watching one of the New Year 's shows I suddenly got hungry for pancakes . " I 'll make some , " David said . And he did . With strawberry preserves and whipped topping . Yum . What better way to end one year and start the next . I just said we were having breakfast extra early . The project I have worked on this week were these little trees Patchwork pines . Tattered Trees . They are the creation of Ann Wood , a blogger I just discovered who makes the cutest things out of used things , paper machine and anything she can find . She provided the pattern for these for free . I , of course , could not make just one and ended up with a little forest of them . Besides all the other things going on , we had three birthdays in December and on Christmas day we celebrated our youngest grandson 's eighth birthday . It 's hard for me to think he is already this old . Just seems he was born and he 's half grown almost . I ordered this from the Current catalog months ago and we said we 'd wait until after Christmas to start it . It is really a fun and interesting puzzle to do . Not sure about the marijuana leaves on it , but some states have legalized it . Even though I was a teen and a college student in the sixties , I can honestly say I have never tried marijuana and don 't plan to start . I have always been careful about the drugs that go into my body . I don 't like taking aspirins too well , but will if necessary . Spread out on two tables . David is really the puzzle maker in our house . I get impatient and frustrated after a while and have to leave . David will sit for hours working on it and he is not intimidated by all the white pieces in this puzzle . Well , we don 't know what this year will bring . Just living it one day at a time and trying to enjoy every moment . I hope January goes really slow . We will have a presidential inauguration and David 's birthday on the same day . That will be fun . This is the year I am going to start walking again I was up to five miles a day a couple of years ago and then I hurt both my legs at different times and it was hard to walk a mile without pain , so , this is the year I am going to try to get back to walking again . I will start slow with a mile or so and work up from there . I will keep you posted and maybe you would like to start this journey with me . After all , a journey begins with just one step . Bye . I get up lazily every morning . That 's what you can do after you are retired after decades of working and raising children . It 's been really cold here and getting out of my warm heated bed is so hard to do . I make coffee and pour some peppermint creamer in it and light the cedar candle . After Christmas , I just may plan one day to spend in bed and read and sleep . Like that will really happen . I all of a sudden decided today I needed to go through all the magazines I have collected through the years . Don 't judge me . I have magazines from the 1970 's and still love looking through them . Magazines were much better years ago . A lot more reading in them and less ads and pictures . Now they are all ads ( mostly drug ads ) and pictures with very little reading to do . I remember when Good Housekeeping had several stories in them every month . I don 't know why I felt this was something I needed to do , but I found satisfaction in it . I find magazines that set me off on my love of antiques . The décor in our house seems to have evolved through the years depending on what the magazines had in them . Playing with these two . I have a gun that shoots tennis balls and they would play chase the ball all day as long as I have treats for them . See how alert they are ? I have treats in my hand . And last but not least . I found a new blog by a woman who creates wonderful things out of fabric , paper mache , and found objects . I will write about her blog sometime . Anyway , she made these really cute little trees and provided a pattern and directions for them , so , of course , I had to stop everything I was doing to try to make a few of them . I will show you after they are finished . They don 't look like much now , but trust me , they will look cute , I hope . Her name is Ann Wood if you would like to check out her blog . She has a pattern for hens on nests that I plan to get and make . All this makes me so happy . Of course none of this is what I should be doing , but I feel free and easy and probably won 't really get to work finishing up everything until Friday . Christmas will come whether I get it all done or not . I want to enjoy every single day . Leave a reply David and I celebrated our forty - eight wedding anniversary this past week . We decided to take a whole week from weekend to weekend to celebrate . It 's been a long week . We wanted to go antiquing , but most of the antique stores we went to were either closed or more like junk sales than antiques . We wanted to go to a Daylily farm and it rained cats and dogs on us . In fact , it rained almost the entire week . We did manage to get to Olive Garden for dinner which was very good . But it was still all good . When you have been married to the same man for almost your entire life , you don 't expect fireworks all the time , but we did do fireworks one night in our driveway with some old firecrackers and bottle rockets . There were people shooting off fireworks all around us . Some people don 't like this time of year because of all the fireworks , but I love it . We have had a lot of fireworks in our marriage . Some good . Some bad . As we looked back on our life together , we both feel it 's been a pretty good life . When I said , " I do , " I meant it and still do . We did get to Streamcliff Farm again and had lunch with our older son and his friend . I managed not to buy any flowers this time , but I was tempted . I don 't know what they feed their plants , but all the flowers are huge . The first day we went there , it was raining , as I said . This lady was out in a garden picking off the dead blooms . She had a bucket full . There were several roosters and they were all crowing up a storm . I love hearing roosters crow . When we went to the Virgin Islands , chickens roamed all over and you could hear the roosters crowing . It was such a pleasant sound to me . It sounds like country . It wasn 't all play however . Our rhubarb just keeps on growing and we keep on picking it . I have made two batches of strawberry rhubarb jam . The first batch was eaten up almost instantly . We had company and there was a teen - age boy who really , really liked this . We went through a couple of jars at that meal . His / her day was not going as planned . David took it over to the woods across the street from us . Hope it doesn 't find its way back . Remember when I went to see Susan Branch at a book signing in Cincinnati ? Her husband was handing out seeds from their wisteria vine that grows at their house . I planted the seeds and now I have two of these . All different sizes . That little sock . That 's my daughter 's size . She has very tiny feet . In fact , her next pair I have to make a little bit smaller . She wears children 's socks . She certainly doesn 't take after me in that respect . I 've got me a lot of sock loving happening in my future . Yippee ! I never thought I would ever get the hang of knitting socks , but now that I have , it 's really very simple . Of course , anything is once you know how to do it ! Speaking of gardens . My garden is not doing too shabby . These are some daylilies I have had for years and divided and planted all over the yard . I got the first ones at a grocery store . I love my Summer garden . Every year it surprises me . When Winter gets here , I will think I will never see this again and then , it happens like a miracle every single year . I wish my mother could see my garden . She loved her garden too . Perhaps she can see it , but then , she 's in the most beautiful garden imaginable as I type . Leave a reply I don 't think David and I thought very much about retirement when we were younger . We were just trying to make a living and raise our three children and keep food on the table . I always heard that retirement was the time when one could kick back and relax . Do some traveling . People picture Grandmas and Grandpas sitting on the porch , Grandma with knitting in her hands . Well , a little of that happens around here , but we evidently didn 't get the message about how to behave when retired . It seems we are busier than ever . Work just as hard and the days go by much , much more quickly . Here it is , June already . Where did May go ? I spend most of my days outside in the garden or taking care of the chickens and playing with the dogs . Between laundry , cooking , cleaning , and other household chores , I keep pretty busy . I don 't know how our ancestors did it without all the labor saving devices we have now . My great - great - great grandmother had to heat the water for the laundry , wash everything on a washboard , hang the clothes outside , weather permitting , iron all the clothes and by the time she was done with that , it was time to start all over . She did this while raising a garden , canning enough food to get the family through the winter , cooking every single meal , and raising a family . Whew . I get tired just thinking about it . I can stick a load of clothes in the washer , go outside , and when I come in , the clothes are washed . It almost seems like a miracle to me . But I see miracles in a lot of things . Not all that long ago if you had leftovers , you had to get out pans and heat them on the stove and then you would have all the pans to wash afterward . Now , with the microwave , we can fill up a plate with leftovers , heat it for a few minutes and have a good , hot meal , almost as good as the original you cooked before . Miracle . See that pie safe in the background ? I took that step ladder there and climbed up to see if it needed dusting on top . Well , since I haven 't dusted up there in years , I found a dust storm up there . I was a little amazed , thinking I kept a pretty clean house and there was such a dusty place almost right over my nose . I took everything off it , washed what I could to include several American flags I had in a can . I scrubbed the top three times until I felt like it was clean enough . Now it 's good for another ten years ! I reckon if I looked hard enough , I could find several dusty places in my house , but I 'm not going to look too hard . The thing about dust . It will always be there . It won 't go away on its own . I read one time that we could have the dust from the first Adam 's body in our dust bunnies under our beds because dust travels all over the world . Maybe I have Moses under my bed or maybe Christopher Columbus . If so , they will be quite safe there as I don 't like to dust all that much unless I really feel like it . We had sixteen people here for dinner the other day and the kids all played in the pool . I love having lots of kids in the pool . They had so much fun . Besides that , they stir up all the stuff on the bottom of the pool and that actually helps to clean it . And the water definitely was stirred . David and I have eaten at a couple of different restaurants lately . One was called Stone 's Family Restaurant in Mihousen . The food was so - so , but it was worth the trip to eat the fried biscuits and apple butter . We could have made a meal out of those . The restaurant is in this little off the beaten path town time has forgot . We drove several back roads to get there and the scenery was so pretty . I don 't think any place is prettier than Indiana in Summer . The other one was in the little town of Vernon . Vernon hosts a town wide garage sale every Labor Day weekend . There are yard sales all the way along the highway to Vernon . We went one year and there was just about everything for sale , plus there were vendors selling their wares . We have eaten at this restaurant before . Really good food . This is what it looks like on the outside . Nothing special , but I don 't think I have ever had as good fish as I did there . It was done to perfection . Not greasy and not fishy tasting . We ate there on the way back from this place . Streamcliff Farm . A nursery , winery that was having a flower sale . I was not going to buy anymore flowers this year . But … . . I bought several perennials and a rhubarb plant . By the way , our rhubarb has done wonderfully this year . I have several packages of it frozen so that in the middle of the winter , we can have rhubarb pie and think of Spring . This is what I have been doing today . David is replacing the fence boards along one side of our back yard so I decided to stain them . There will be hundreds . Today I stained forty some . He went and bought some more and some more stain , so guess what I will be doing tomorrow . Just so they won 't think I have forgotten them , here 's the puppers . Always watching for me to come out . Playmate , come out and play with me , and bring your dollies three , climb up the apple tree . Look down the rain barrel , slide down the cellar door . And we 'll be jolly friends , forevermore . My mother use to sing that song to me . Hope you are having a wonderful Summer ( or Winter in some parts of our world . ) Soon the longest day will come and the days will start to shorten again . It never changes . Bye . Leave a reply I love making things . Mostly sewn things . It was my goal years ago to have at least one hundred quilts before I died . Well , with having a quilt shop and making so many display projects , with family loving quilts too , and with going to auctions for years , I finally accrued , created and found at least one hundred quilts . I don 't own all of them . Many of them have been sold or given as gifts . All my grandchildren have at least two quilts I made especially for them . I have made quilts for charities , for church projects and for Samaritan 's purse . I wish I could see all the quilts I have made in one big pile . I have quilts for every season . Quilts are on every bed , on both couches , on every chair and hanging on walls . I have a big box of unfinished quilts in my shop . I have one quilt on my sewing machine in the process of being quilted . But …… . . a new obsession has taken over my life . At the beginning of the year I read Lucy 's blog , Attic 24 , where she was learning how to knit socks . She made it sound so appealing , I immediately ordered the Minwick Mum 's Sockalong book that took you step by step through the sock knitting process . At first , it was all Greek to me . I read it over and over . Tried knitting socks . Tore more socks out than I care to mention . Learned that tearing out your knitting stitches was called " frogging . " Dropped stitch after stitch . Knitted more ribbing and sock legs . Learned how much fun knitting the heel flap is . Found out turning the heel was easier than I ever could have imagined , picked up stitches even when I wasn 't entirely sure what I was doing . Knit the gusset and finally decreased the toes . Decreasing the toes is when everything usually fell apart because the book said I had to use double pointed needled to do it . Then , the other day I just went ahead and decreased the toe stitches on my little circular needle . No dropped stitches and easy as can be . I can 't tell you how many times I would get to the toes , dropped three or four stitches and tear out the whole sock . But , I didn 't give up and have finally found what works for me . Now , my quilt is still sitting on the sewing machine waiting to be completed . I hardly look at my fabric even though I have a purse needing to be finished and material for a skirt . Now I surf the web looking for yarn companies and drool over yarn like I would drool over fabric . I have several circular needles , sock blockers , and other knitting paraphernalia . I have looked up my old knitting books from the seventies when I knitted sweaters , booties and hats for my children . I have baby things on my mind . I even ordered yarn for a baby project . And there are no babies ahead in my family . At least I don 't think so . I have finished two pair of socks and have two more pair almost done . Today I ordered more yarn . For four more pair ! I think this obsession is going to stay with me for a time . David has had to listen to me when I could not get it into my head how to knit socks . He kept encouraging me and said I would figure it all out and he was right . One day it all just clicked . The fear was gone . Now the socks glide off my needles with ease . Oh , I still drop the occasional stitch , but with a small crochet hook , I usually can pick it up . I wish I could explain to you how euphoric I feel that I finally figured it all out . It was like a dark cloud of doubt that was hanging over my head just went " poof " one day . The lesson I took from this is " never give up . " And I didn 't . Despite several attempts that went all wrong , I now know how to knit socks . Now I am looking at fancier socks like ones with cables or other designs . I 'm hoping I can knit socks for gifts . I am sure you are tired of reading about my sock obsession . David says when I decide to do something , I jump in feet first and start swimming and don 't stop . When I start making things , like purses , quilts or dolls , I never stop at one . I make a dozen or more . Now I probably won 't stop knitting socks . EVER . I love the process and the finished product . But , enough about socks , although I could talk about them all day ! We have been doing some things other than me sock knitting and David helping me wind the yarn . I am trying to start my walking regimen again . I was up to walking five miles a day a year or so ago and then I hurt my right leg and then by the time it was feeling better , I tore a ligament in my left leg that has taken months to repair . I just noticed the other day my leg didn 't feel stiff any longer and I wasn 't walking with a limp . Molly is bound and determined to run into that leg every time I go out in the yard with her . She loves to play and takes it that I want to play with her every time I go out the back door . Many times I will play with her , but when I don 't , she follows me as close as she can and then she and Belle get into a tussle right behind me and sometimes slam into my legs . I 've taken to carrying a rake and holding it behind me so they won 't hit me . I really don 't want to have a sore leg all summer . Well , it 's almost Summer now and it still sits on our porch . I tried covering it with a quilt , but it kept getting blown off . Every time I passed it , Santa was looking at me and creeping me out . David and I could not lift it because it was made from really heavy wood . I had no place to store it anyway , so ………… Now , it 's suitable for year round and I can decorate it at Christmas with tiny lights and a wreath , so I am happy with it . And we don 't have to move it . It also provides a nice place for the UPS man or the FedX man to leave packages out of the weather and off the floor . So it 's a win - win for me . I don 't get up very early any more . For the first decades of our marriage we had to get up for work or to get the kids up for school . The alarm rang at 5 : 30 most mornings . Lately , I have been sleeping until 9 : 00 or later . One day David worked until 11 : 00 a . m . and when he came home , I was still asleep . You see , I love staying up late , but I really love the early morning so one of them had to go . Today , I woke up at 4 : 30 , laid awake and said my prayers until 5 : 30 and decided to get up . It 's amazing how many things you can get done before 8 : 00 if you get up early . I did a load of wash , did all my ironing and knitted half a sock . This getting up early seems to be a good thing . Now I have the whole day to do other things . I have been missing some beautiful sunrises . The hummingbirds were out feeding and the birds were waking up . It was glorious . Still don 't know if I will give up my late nights . I love to knit and read in the evenings and the time just gets away from me . And last but not least . Two years ago when our new porch was being built , I saved some of the concrete pieces from it and planted flowers in them . I had this one plant I didn 't know what it was and it stayed green all Summer and all Winter . But it never bloomed . I watched it all last Summer and it didn 't do anything . Just some green leaves . This Spring I looked at it and thought to myself if it didn 't produce anything this year , I was going to tear it out . Well , I am so glad I was patient with it because it is now my header picture . Leave a reply I was a flower child long before it became popular . Not the kind of flower child who did drugs or danced naked in the fields at Woodstock . My mother grew beautiful flowers in her garden and every year I helped her gather the seeds for next year 's flowers . She also loved African violets and my father made her a little window greenhouse in the kitchen where she grew some of the most beautiful African violets . She could have won prizes for her flowers , but she grew them just because she loved them . In the Summer my daddy would put me in the car with a few buckets and a shovel and we would drive down to the river where daddy would dig up sand and put it in the buckets to take back home to put in my sand pile . While he was doing that , I was pulling up flowers ( weeds ) to take home and plant in my sand pile . They didn 't last long , of course , but for a short time I had my very own garden . I was always looking at the flower catalogs Mother would get . I would go with her to the greenhouse where she purchased flowers for her porch boxes . The man who owned the greenhouse knew my mother by name as she was a regular customer and came back every year . I loved walking down the rows of flowers and choosing the ones I liked in my mind . My Mother would buy a flat of flowers and bring them home and plant her porch boxes . I can 't remember a time she didn 't have porch boxes planted when I lived at home . Now I have gardens of my own and can plant whatever I want . I still love going to a greenhouse and looking at all the flowers . I love the smell inside a greenhouse . The smell of fresh dirt and flowers is the best scent in the world . Wish they could make a perfume of it . I probably already smell like that about every day in the Spring when I am outdoors planting and digging and dividing the flower clumps . Today I finally got everything planted , I think , although I did see a corner in my kitchen garden that has only one flower planted there . We cut down a redbud tree last year and I haven 't filled in the space yet , evidently . Time to buy more flowers ! Irises ! One of my favorite flowers because you can 't kill them and they multiply year after year without you doing anything at all . I told a friend of mine I even mowed my irises down in the Autumn and she thought I was crazy . But , I do , and every year , they come up bigger and better than ever . One of my favorites . One day a couple of years ago , a man stopped by our house and asked if he could have a start of these irises , so I dug up one for him and asked him if he had any flowers he would like to share . He did ! He brought me some lilac bushes and I planted them and one of them is doing well . These are becoming one of my favorite flowers now . Digitalis or Foxgloves . They reseed themselves and are biennials so I should have some every year . I have planted their seed everywhere and bought more plants , too . You see , I am making my garden self sustaining so that one day , when or if I cannot plant or work in it anymore , the flowers will take care of themselves . One of David 's mother 's rosebushes . It is doing so well now . For a while , I thought I had killed it , but with loving care , it has come back and has a lot of blooms . The roses smell just like roses should smell . I have two of these bushes . I feel so blessed . Another reason I can never leave this house . I have too many flowers from family members that grow all around my garden . I think of those people every year when the flowers bloom . Flowers like David 's grandmother 's sixty year old clematis , her snowball bushes , my mother 's day lilies and these roses . It 's a family garden for sure . These poppies were started from Grandma Henley 's ( David 's grandma ) garden . She had a beautiful garden behind her house and these grew profusely . I remember her squatting in her garden , her knees up to her ears , weeding the flowers until she was almost ninety years old . She also grew the best rhubarb behind her outhouse ! Speaking of peonies , they are starting to bloom now . They are my very favorite flower . They are beautiful and smell wonderful . The only thing is , they just don 't last long enough . I have become obsessed with sock knitting now that I kind of understand the process . I still don 't like the double pointed needles at the end when decreasing the toe . That is when everything goes all wrong all at once if I don 't pay special care or I get interrupted . Which is why I only try to knit them when David is at work . I am trying to figure out another way to decrease the toes . Every sock has been an experiment in knitting . I have purchased several circular needles so that I could have different socks going at all times . I just ordered more needles and sock blockers . This hobby is becoming expensive ! Now , I drool over yarn like I have drooled over fabric for years . There are so many yarn companies and so many beautiful yarns to choose from . I hadn 't been in my shop for weeks because of the sock making , but today I went out and started a new purse . I wish I could tell you where I got this pattern . I got it online and I have made so many purses from this pattern . Several people carry my purses . I call this one my garden purse . Hope you are enjoying these wonderful May days . They are going by so quickly . I wish I could wrap one day up and take it out in the middle of the Winter and enjoy it once again . |
One night , I was working at Sanger Harris , and I had two men come into the Record Dept . One was kind of tall and the other one was short . The tall man asked me if we had the 8 - track tape for " American Graffiti " . I said yes . He had a very thick accent . The shorter man spoke only French and was saying something to the tall man , who then told me in English . Unbeknownst to the shorter man , I spoke fluent French , so I knew what the man was saying . He said some very rude things about me , including calling me a " peasant " . I rang up the tape , and then turned to the shorter man , who was Pierre Cardin . I told him in French that I thanked him for his purchase , and that I was not a peasant . His face turned red . The taller man 's face turned red . Cardin then apologized in English . He may have thought of himself as a big shot , but I brought him back down to size . Thanks to high school and college French . A call went out for anyone interested to be a movie extra for a film being made in Dallas at the Cotton Bowl . The time was Sunday afternoon , and I went . It was cold and rainy , but a few thousand people showed up . The weather was so bad that they decided not to do much filming , but they did give us nachos , which was the first time I had ever had that dish . The movie they were making was called " Semi - Tough " . It starred Burt Reynolds , Kris Kristofferson , Jill Clayburgh , Robert Preston , Carl Weathers , Richard Masur , Norm Alden , and more . Since the weather was so bad , they shot a few scenes of football players sloshing around on the field . The rest of the time , they brought in the stuntmen to put on a show for the crowd . They had guys jumping out of helicopters into pads . Hal Needham did a lot of the stunts . Since the weather was not cooperating , they told us that anyone who wanted to come back on Monday could and would be filmed . My school was on winter break , so I said I would be back . The next day , not as many people came back . Maybe enough to fill up one end of the stands . They introduced Burt Reynolds . He was a big star and had a security entourage around him . Kris Kristofferson was much more approachable . He was just coming off of " A Star Is Born " , but he hadn 't let it go to his head . The Assistant Director was named David Sosna . His job was to be in charge of the extras . Dave was a cool guy . He went on to work with John Landis on several of his films like " The Blues Brothers " and " Trading Places " . Dave was a practical joker , and he did several things to lighten the mood , because there was a lot of waiting around . The film was set in Miami , but they filmed almost everything in Dallas . Since it was supposed to be Miami , we had to wear short - sleeved shirts . It was very cold in the stadium , so when they were ready to shoot a scene , we had to take off our coats and look like we were hot . Another trick I learned was how to cheer . They said that everyone born between January and June cheer for one team , and everyone born from July to December cheer for the other team . That way , there were some standing while others were sitting and vice versa . We figured out that we wanted to get as much camera time as we could , so there were many of us who changed our birthdays , and we stood up a lot . They caught on to our trick and told us that if we didn 't follow directions that we would have to leave . Because it had rained , the areas of the stadium closest to the field had ankle - deep water accumulated down there . Anyone who sat there had the best chance to get on camera , and also got very wet feet . I was there for a week . The crowd dwindled down each day until there was about twenty of us . In order to look like there was a crowd behind the sidelines , they would move us into the shot . When it was time for the next shot , we would all move to that spot behind the players . It made it look like a full stadium after editing . One of the scenes was for the Super Bowl . We were there cheering away . When the movie came out in widescreen , I made a startling discovery . The cameraman did not frame us too well , and you can see empty seats on either side of us . The football teams were made up of stuntmen and professional players from the Houston Oilers and the Dallas Cowboys . There was one Oiler player who was about 6 ' 9 " tall . He was very big . Dave told us that he wanted us to play a joke on this guy , so we were to cross the field from one side to the other . As each of us passed this guy , we were to hit him in the back . So , we did . The guy was not very pleased with Dave 's joke . But , we were following the direction . In the end , we didn 't get paid much money , but they fed us , and we got to be around the stars and players . Except for Burt Reynolds . We saw him , but that was all . One interesting side note . The film was directed by Michael Ritchie . He later directed " The Bad News Bears " . That film was written by Bill Lancaster , who was Burt 's son . During the auditions for " The Midnight Man " , I had gotten to know Bill , and he recommended me to his father who was directing that film , which is how I got that part . Small world . I have never seen " Star Wars " . I have never seen any of the sequels , prequels , or quells ( whatever they are ) . It isn 't that I don 't like action movies or sci - fi movies . I do . But , I have no desire to see anything " Star Wars " . Why , you ask ? It comes from an experience I had , when I worked for Sanger Harris Department Store in Ft . Worth . The movie had just come out , and there were a lot of action figures and other toys connected to the movie . I worked near the Toy Dept . We kept selling out of everything " Star Wars " . We couldn 't keep them in the store , especially the action figures . It wasn 't just us . They were selling out everywhere . We couldn 't possibly have enough for everybody . So , I would have children ( mostly boys ) and their mothers come into the store looking for the figures . I would tell them we had sold out . The kids would raise a fuss , and I had some kick me in my shins . The mothers would get upset , and cuss me out . I didn 't really blame them . They had probably been all over town to try and get these toys , but they took it out on me . I got so turned off by their responses to me that I vowed never to see any of the movies . I guess it sounds a little extreme on my part , but that was my response to their abuse . I have had friends tell me that I should see " Star Wars " anyway . They tell me it is a very good movie . I guess it is , but I do have principles . Years later , I was at home and watching TV . I was flipping the channels and found a movie to watch . It was pretty good . I had seen about ten minutes of it , when it went to a commercial . The announcer said , " We 'll be back to Star Wars in just a minute . " I was horrified . I had actually seen a portion of the movie . But , I immediately turned it off . I couldn 't risk having flashbacks of the bruises on my legs from pouting children . Or , hearing words coming out of women 's mouths that they shouldn 't have said . I have even been threatened by a friend that he is going to tie me down and force me to watch the movie . Never . I was rushing home late one afternoon from work in 1977 . I loved to drive fast . There was a misty rain , and the roads were slick . I was on the freeway and hit the off ramp a little too fast . I hit the brakes , but they locked up and I started sliding . There was a Lincoln in front of me , which was stopped at the light . There was nothing I could do but watch my car slide into the back of it . That was a horrible feeling . I wasn 't injured except for bruised knees from hitting the dash . I got out of my car , and apologized profusely to the people in the Lincoln . They said it was okay , and we both pulled around the corner from the ramp . Their car had a broken taillight . My car was bashed in big time . The front wheel on the passenger side was messed up . The radiator had moved further toward the windshield . The police came had decided that weather was the cause , so I wasn 't cited . I got back to school , as it wasn 't far from the wreck . The next day , I called the Ford dealership and asked them to tow my car to it . Then , I called my insurance company who told me I should have called them first , because they wouldn 't pay for the card being at the Ford place . It wasn 't recognized by the insurance company as an authorized service place . I did not know how to deal with the insurance folks except screaming and crying , but they wouldn 't budge . The Ford folks told me that the work was going to have to be somewhat specialized , and they could do it better than just a willy - nilly body shop , but I could not afford to get it fixed without the insurance . I asked the Ford guys if they could work on it , while I dealt with the insurance , and they said no , so my car sat at the Ford place for a week . Meanwhile , they did give me a rental car from my insurance . It was a Ford LTD , which seemed like driving a tank compared to my car . The front end was so long that I felt like I had to brake a half of a block before stopping at a light . I called my father in SC to ask him what I should do . He called our insurance rep , who got on the phone with the company , and said a few choice words with them . The insurance company decided to pay for the repair on my car at the dealership , and I had some money leftover afterwards that I used to buy a TV for my dorm room . By the way , it cost $ 600 to fix my car , and 50 cents to fix the Lincoln . For a long time after that experience , I was very nervous driving in the rain , and I tried to avoid it as much as possible . My car was never the same after that accident . Posted by Around February 1977 , a new mall was being built in Ft . Worth called Hulen Mall . An upscale department store was going to open in that mall called Sanger - Harris . I needed a part - time job to help pay for seminary , so I went out there to see if I could get a job . The fact that I had retail experience made me a good fit for the store , and I was hired to work 4pm - 8pm Monday through Friday . Sanger - Harris was just a step down from Neiman - Marcus . The store had a lot of expensive things , and then merchandise that regular people could afford , too . I was hired to work in the Home area , and specifically Books and Records . I also sold Stationery , Luggage , Toys , Sporting Goods , Candy , and Fabrics . Everything about the store was great . We even had celebrities come to the store to make personal appearances . George Hamilton . James Beard . Playboy playmate Hope Olsson . Just to name a few . On Saturdays , someone would play the grand piano in the center of the store , or we would have a choir come in . It was a classy place . My fellow employees were also very nice people - - Mrs . Miller , Gert , Ron , Don , Charles , Maria , and Kare were my favorites . I just had the best time working there , and it was really fun . I even would stay after it was my time to get off . I would clock out and continue working . I came in on my days off to work . My supervisors would have to make me leave and sometimes drag me out of the door . I just couldn 't stay away . In the Book Department , we would have authors come in for book signings . One Christmas , I was able to give my family autographed books from famous authors . Our Record Department was rather unique . Due to our employees ( me included ) , we sold more records than any other department store in the Dallas / Ft . Worth Metroplex , and our Record Department was in the top three record stores in sales in Ft . Worth . That was a huge accomplishment . We sold albums , 8 - tracks , and cassettes . I already knew the rock artists , but I had to learn about country music . Especially Bob Wills & The Texas Playboys . They were are number one best seller . I then started to listen to everything . Once , I had a customer come in and ask me for the record with a train whistle in it . I knew that was Willie Nelson , so I got good at identifying songs . We also got the best display items for the department , because of our high sales . One in particular was a life - size Steve Martin standee . It promoted two of his comedy albums . When the promotion was over , I took the standee . My distributor was not happy , but I got it anyway . I still have it , and I think it is the only one in existence . I also got some promo albums and tapes from working there , and one was of David Bowie . I really loved his music , even though I had never heard him before . I worked at Sangers for almost 3 years , even going full - time after graduating from seminary . I stayed in Ft . Worth an extra year to be with my friends . So much more to talk about that store , and I will in future stories . Posted by It was the 4th of July weekend in 1976 . Everyone was geared up for the Bicentennial . On that Friday , I ate in the seminary cafeteria . For dessert , I had pineapple upside down cake . A few hours later , I started to feel a little queasy , so I went to the 3rd floor bathroom in the dorm . Most of the dorm 's residents had left for the holiday weekend . I had nausea . I don 't want to sound too gross here , but just to say I stayed in the bathroom all night . I had food poisoning , probably from the eggs in the cake . I was the sickest I had ever been . I couldn 't keep anything down . That Saturday morning , I mustered up enough energy to walk from the dorm to the infirmary and found it was closed for the holiday . I suppose anyone reading this would wonder why I didn 't go to the emergency room of a hospital . I don 't know why other than I was so sick I couldn 't think straight . I spent all day Saturday in the bathroom until I passed out from lack of sleep and energy . Sunday was the 4th of July , and I had made it a point to go to church . Somehow , I managed to pull myself together and got to church . I was so weak that I could barely stand up . I had to pull myself up from the pew just to stand . After church , I went back to the dorm and continued being sick . Now came Monday . There were no classes on Monday . I proved to myself that I could drive in the condition I was in , so I drove over to the mall to get to a drug store . I bought a bottle of Pepto Bismol and went out to my car . I sat in my car and drank the entire bottle in the parking lot . Now , I do not suggest that someone do this for food poisoning , but it worked for me . I was able to eat some crackers and drink some soda . I got back to some normality and was able to go back to class the next day . I have a very high metabolism , and I have a hard time putting on weight . Until 2008 , I weighed the same thing I weighed in 8th grade , which was 115 lbs . ( I weigh more now ) I am not suggesting than someone who wants to lose weight should try food poisoning . It is not fun . Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary ( SWBTS ) was where I chose to get my Master 's Degree , so that I could teach Theatre at Anderson College . That was my plan . That was my goal . The school was in Ft . Worth , Texas . I arrived there around May 20th to begin my studies , which started that summer school . This was the same school where my parents met some 40 years before and fell in love . I had something of an advantage , because most of the teachers and staff knew my father and many were his old friends . I had known many of them too growing up . It was the perfect place to attend . One of the things I had to learn very fast was the Mexican cuisine . No Del Taco . This was the real thing . A friend of mine , also from South Carolina , went to a nearby Jack - in - the - Box and wanted a pickle . He got a jalapeno pepper , not knowing what it was , and his mouth burned for days . It may sound strange , but one of the things we were told in orientation was to never make fun of the Hispanic people . Like not to yell out " Immigration " in a crowded theatre . That would have the same reaction as yelling out " Fire " . You would have a stampede . The seminary environment was special . When seeing me coming down the sidewalk , another male would address me as " brother " . It was strange at first , but I got used to it eventually . For single students that wanted to live on campus , there was Ft . Worth Hall for the men and Barnard Hall for the women . I lived in room 235 in Ft . Worth Hall . It was a single room with paint peeling off of the walls . I had two closets , a desk , and a sink . The bathroom and showers were down the hall . I brought several posters with me , which adorned my walls . We had an open house , and my dorm room was picked as the coolest in the dorm because of all of the posters . I wanted to study to teach Christian Theatre , but there was not a major in that , so I helped them develop a course load for that , and I was the first Communications major at that school . My main teacher was Paula Brooks , who was the mother of the later PGA golfer Mark Brooks . More on him later . Paula and I put together a major using Public Speaking , Acting , TV & Radio , and other courses . I also took courses in Education and Psychology . The teachers would talk about church work , and I would mentally substitute the word " church " with " college " . I also had to take some Bible courses , and a couple of music courses . The Bible courses were very hard . I wasn 't much for learning the Greek word for anything in the Bible , but I muddled through it . In one of the music courses , I learned to direct a choir and how to pick out notes on a piano . If you givePosted by As written earlier , my goal in life after graduating from college was to get my Master 's degree so that I could teach Theatre at Anderson College or some other Christian school . In order to do that , I decided on going to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth , TX . Why not go to a university that had an MFA program ? Both of my parents went there , and I was a legacy . Also , I felt that God was calling me there . I saved up my money from working at Belk , and I got a car . It got to be May , 1976 . I quit my job at Belk , even though they wanted me to stay . I loaded up my car with my records , stereo , clothes , and started my journey to Ft . Worth . I had a map from AAA of the optimum route . It was a little over 1000 miles to get there . My car had a radio , but I brought along an 8 - track tape player that ran on batteries . I had to replace them each day on my trip , because the player ate the batteries . I was not in any hurry to get out there , as this was the first trip that I would drive by myself for a long distance , so I decided to break it up . I left Columbia with the love of my parents and drove as far as Selma , AL . I actually wanted to stop in Montgomery at a motel , but I got in the wrong lane on the bypass and found myself on the road to Selma . I had not been there since 1968 , when my parents and I were on our way to Houston , TX . I remembered we stopped at a restaurant and heard that Otis Redding had died . I found a motel on the outskirts of town to stop for the night . The motel had in - room movies playing on the TV . I had never seen that before . That was cool . I stayed there on subsequent trips . My back hurt from all of that driving , but I got up the next morning and continued my journey . When I got to Mississippi , I found that I - 20 was a little different . There were flowers along the highway , and the color of the asphalt changed in increments . I figured it was their way of keeping one from falling asleep with the monotony on the road . I think more states should do that . I drove across the state , and my back was killing me , so I stopped in Vicksburg for the next night . My motel was near the Civil War battlefield , so I had a relaxing time walking around there , and being near the river . Old Man River . The mighty Mississip . The next day , I got up more rested to continue on . I drove through my home state of Louisiana on my way to Texas . I got to Shreveport and noticed something quite weird . There were lush forests on the Louisiana side , but crossing over into Texas was quite different . There were no lush forests . There was flat land with no trees except for shrubs . It was as though I had gone into another world . I had . I drove on a very boring stretch of I - 20 that didn 't want to seem to end . Mile after mile of nothing . I finally had to stop . I saw a sign that said Tyler and motels , so I exited the highway and drove some more , before finding Tyler , TX . I stopped for the night at a Ramada . Apparently , there was some festival in town , so the only room they had was under the bandstand of their ballroom . All I wanted was a bed . I took it , but I didn 't get much sleep that night . I got up the next morning and headed onto Ft . Worth . When I got to Dallas , I had Janis Joplin blaring on the tape player . There was a bridge that curved over a highway . I was looking at the skyline and jamming to the music , and I wasn 't paying attention to where I was going . I almost crashed off of the bridge along the curve . That woke me up . I finally got to Ft . Worth and the seminary . After unpacking , I wanted to go downtown to check out the city . I saw a crowd standing on the street , so I wanted to see what was going on . The crowd was standing across from a bank , and there were a lot of policemen around there . It looked like there had been a robbery . Then , I found out what was really going on . A man had walked into the bank with a shotgun . He killed his girlfriend , who was a teller . He then shot himself in the head with the gun . His body was lying on the floor of the bank with a sheet over it , and a blood spot where his head had been . The tourist folders never talked about crime in Ft . Worth . My first day was welcomed to this sight . Welcome to Ft . Worth . I was working at Belk downtown one Saturday . I had parked off of Assembly Street . When I got out of work to head home , I went to my car and started driving on Washington Street heading toward Sumter . When I got to the corner of Washington and Sumter , the light turned red . On one side of the corner was the old Richland County courthouse . On the opposite side was a parking lot . As was my custom , when I stopped at a light , I would look in my rear view mirror to see if anyone was behind me . I looked , and there was a two - door car , maybe a Firebird , behind me with two men in the car . All of a sudden , several police officers rushed the car behind me . Some had pistols and others had shotguns . Some wore plain clothes and others had uniforms . I watched in shock as these officers pointed their guns at the two men and ordered them not to move . I was asking myself what I should do . It was obvious that the police had used my car and me to block the men from escaping . They had also controlled the traffic light , which was still red . On the other hand , if there was going to be any shooting , I didn 't want to get caught in the crossfire , so I had to make a decision . If I got out of the way of the situation , I would be breaking the law by running the red light . So , I waited until I felt that the situation was stable . I then turned right from the left lane through the red light and went around the block . I wanted to see this takedown , but not be in it . I rode around the block . It took no more than three minutes to get around the block , even though I was still shaking from what I had seen . When I got around the block , the car was gone . The police had loaded the car into a trailer . The two men were gone , along with all of the police . Everything was back to normal . There was an article in the paper the next day about a big - time drug arrest that had taken place the day before , and I guess that it what I witnessed . The arrest was very well coordinated . Some people may say that it could have been a movie being filmed . There were no cameras . This was real . Posted by As I wrote earlier , I was working full - time at Belk , after getting out of college , so that I could get a car and afford my graduate school . I know that some people get their first car while in high school , but my parents could not handle that financially . I had to wait . My Mother let me drive her car . At first , it was a 1956 Dodge . It was black and white with fins . I learned to drive with that car . It had push buttons on the dash , and the steering wheel was as big as a bus . She then got a 1967 Plymouth Valiant , which would be her car for the rest of her driving life . It was a good car . Years later , she would get offers from mechanics to buy the car from her , as it had become an antique . I worked hard to be able to afford my first real car . My father and I went shopping for my car at Dick Smith Datsun , and I found the perfect car . It was a 1973 Ford Maverick with low miles . It was an olive green . I remember my father asking the salesman if he would let his son or daughter drive this car to Texas and back . He said yes , so I bought it . It cost $ 2000 used . It had bench seats , automatic transmission ( a must ) , and a radio . It was a two - door sedan . I loved it . I had a friend who had a Maverick , and she liked hers , so I knew this was the car for me . I had that car for the time I was out in Texas . I will talk about that more later . Needless to say , I didn 't have to borrow my Mother 's car anymore , which was a good thing . I was walking downtown during my lunch hour in the Spring of 1976 and happened on a record store across from USC . It was just a hole in the wall , and it was easy to miss . I went inside and my life changed again . As I have written before , I love music . Especially The Beatles . I love going to concerts . By this time , I had seen Elton John , The Carpenters , Canned Heat , Goose Creek Symphony , Climax , Lester Flatt , Atlanta Rhythm Section , Mountain , Gene Cotton , and more . For me , live music was the best . Most of the songs were longer than were on record . So , when I walked into this record store called Tunes and Things . I found a new avenue to enjoy live shows - - bootlegs . I really didn 't know what bootlegs were . They were secret recordings of shows or unauthorized releases . I bought two records that day . One was a concert by Elton John , and the other was BBC radio songs of The Beatles . The quality wasn 't the best , but it was something not everyone had . This discovery started me on a quest to find more of these rare albums . I bought a bunch . I had a huge selection of bootleg Beatles , Rolling Stones , Elton John , Bob Dylan , and many more . I also found that there were collectors from around the world who had stuff too , so I began trading cassette and videotapes with them . At one point , I had the second largest Beatle video collection in the world . It was documented as such . Years later , Desmond Morris found out that I had a TV show featuring him and John Lennon . He wanted a copy . I sent it to him in London , and he sent me several of his books , which he autographed for me . Record Collecting became a serious hobby for me . At one point , my records alone were valued over $ 100 , 000 . I have since sold a lot of them , but I still have a few things . Check out eBay for " wdurst " . You may find something there . I branched out to other collectibles including books , posters , autographs , and memorabilia . I always have wanted to open a store in town , but have never been able to for financial reasons . Maybe one day . If Oprah would send me the $ 50 , 000 I asked for several years ago . . . And just to be clear , I don 't sell bootlegs . That would be illegal . One day , as I was working at Belk , an old friend of mine from Bankers Trust came into the store . He asked me to come to see him during my lunch hour . His office was only three blocks up Main Street . When I got to his office , he laid out a job proposal to me . Their operations office was out on Rivermont Rd . near the zoo . They wanted me to oversee the computer operations for the bank . In 1975 , computers were very big and took up an entire floor . He told me that he knew I was very smart and could do the job easily . I asked him what floor housed the computer , and he said it was in the basement . Strange as it may seem , I wanted to have a job where there was a window , so that I could see outside . The basement had no windows . I turned down his offer . In looking back on this decision , I would have been on the ground floor ( no pun intended ) of computers , and I would probably be a millionaire now had I taken the job . One of those regrets in life that I really don 't regret . When I graduated from college , I was going to go to graduate school to get my Master 's so that I could teach Theatre in a Christian school . I had been promised that I could come back to Anderson College to teach . The Academic Dean had made that promise to me . He said that all I needed to do was to get a graduate degree , so that was my goal . I decided to go to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Ft . Worth , TX to get that degree . It was the same school where my father and mother had gone , which would make me a legacy , but I needed a car to get there , as well as money to live there , so I took a job at Belk . The Belk Department Store was in downtown Columbia on Main St . It had been there since the 1930 's . Everyone knew Belk . In the 1990 's , it was torn down and the Columbia Art Museum and a bank sit there now . When Belk was there , they had big display windows , and three floors of merchandise . I got a full - time job there selling Books and Luggage . I loved books , but I didn 't know much about luggage , except for what I owned . So , I began to learn about the subject . Selling the books was easy . I learned that Romance Novels sold the best to women . They just ate that stuff up . I also learned that I had a knack for displaying books . One of the books that we got was one by Billy Graham . Our display person wanted us to show it as a mountain with a peak at the top . I thought differently . After having the mountain , and it wasn 't selling , I changed the display by making the books to form a cross on the table . It sold like hotcakes . It was all about how to present it , and the display people let me do my thing after that . Luggage was a little different . You had to display that by size ( big to small ) . So , I got the bright idea to put the most colorful luggage on the front to attract attention . It worked . There were a few perks to working in that area . About every month , we had a recall of some books by the manufacturers . Mostly paperbacks . You didn 't have to return the whole book , but rather tear off the covers and send them back for credit . We were supposed to throw away the books , after we tore off the covers , but I kept a few for myself . At one point , about a third of the books in my collection were missing covers . Of course , some of my co - workers got what they wanted , mostly Romance Novels . Another perk was that my supervisor gave me the opportunity to work with vendors about what to buy for my department , especially Luggage . We had two stockrooms that used to be window displays that had been sealed up . They weren 't very big . I really didn 't have much of a concept as to how big Luggage boxes would be . American Tourister and Samsonite each had big sales twice a year . I talked to the rep and ordered 200 assorted pieces of each . When the boxes came , I had to put them into the stockrooms . It was quite a challenge . But , we sold all of the bags , and I found I had a knack for selling Luggage . That came in handy later in life . American Tourister had a color they called " Plum " , but it was really purple . It was hideous , but that color was our best seller . Belk and an independent luggage store were the only two stores that really had any selection in Luggage . We blew them out of the water . I also learned a lot about customers . One man came in the store one Saturday who looked like Jed Clampett . He was dirty . He told me that he wanted something nice for his wife . I went to the cheap stuff , and he pulled out a wad of cash and bought the most expensive piece we had . It turned out that he was a farmer and had been to the market and sold all of his produce . I learned never to judge one by what they were wearing . Another man came in one day and picked up an attache case and started walking toward the door without paying . I stopped him in the Men 's Department and asked him what he was doing . He looked at me , and asked what I was talking about . I pointed to the bag , and he gave it back to me . It turned out he had dementia , and didn 't know what he was doing . I also had interesting customers . One man came in and told me that he was Elvis Presley 's sergeant in Germany , and he showed me pictures of the two of them . I had two girls , who worked with me part - time . Their names were Gail and BJ . They were both high school students . Gail was a very hard worker . BJ wasn 't as much , but I began a friendship with BJ that lasted 20 years . I will write about her more later . I stayed with Belk for a year , until it was time to move to Ft . Worth . They were sorry to see me go , because I had created a lot of sales for them , but it was time . When I graduated from Anderson College , I was all - everything . I had gotten several awards and honors . It wasn 't quite the same at PC . Yes , I was quite successful in the Theatre area . Yes , I was quite known in the student government area . Yes , I was quite read with my columns in the school newspaper . But , not everything was quite good . As I wrote before , I had to change faculty advisors between my junior and senior year , because my first advisor went on sabbatical , and my second advisor was just not really interested in that role . I guess I trusted him too much , because I didn 't keep up with the hours I needed to graduate . I was too busy partying to keep up with such things . About a week before graduation , I got a message to come see the registrar . She had been going over my file and found that I was three hours short from the needed hours to graduate . I needed a class in Art . I had already taken Sculpture , which I thought was enough , but apparently I needed something like Art History , too . The Registrar told me that the Administration didn 't want me to hang around for another semester , so she gave me a paper to sign . PC would let me graduate 3 hours short , if I didn 't tell anyone . So , I signed the paper , and the Registrar signed the paper . She gave me a copy , and she kept a copy . I could graduate . So , what did I do as my final dig at the Administration ? I walked over to the student newspaper office , and told my friend , the editor , what had just transpired . The last issue of the paper came out with the headline : " Registrar Makes Deal With Student " . The Administration hated me for this jab , but there was nothing they could do . They had signed the paper . When graduation day came , I was waiting to file into the auditorium and standing next to the newspaper editor . My best friend . We had gotten a copy of the program and were looking for our names . We didn 't see them . Panic set in . Did the Administration decide not to honor their deal ? Was the editor being punished for publishing the deal in the paper ? What were we going to do ? How would I explain it to my parents and grandmother who had come to the graduation ? There were several minutes of various emotions , and then we realized that we were looking at the Bachelor of Science page , and we were both graduation with a Bachelor of Arts degree . One more page over , and there were our names . How do you spell relief ? G - R - A - D - U - A - T - E . I think the speaker that day was the Secretary of Commerce , who had been a PC graduate several years before . I have no idea what he spoke about , but I guess it had something to do with going out and making a name for yourself . Either that or good luck . I never told my parents or grandmother about my near - death experience that morning . We just went to the park to have my picture taken with my sculpture ( The Monster ) . I was a college graduate . The world was my oyster . If you have read any of my previous posts , you will see that I loved to make phony phone calls . You also have to remember that these were before Caller ID , so the person on the other end might have to accept that the call was legit . There were a few dorm rooms that had phones . These phones were paid for by those who lived in the rooms , so not everybody had a phone . On the weekend after the final exams and before graduation , most of the guys in the dorms had left for the weekend . Nothing was going on at campus . Everything was pretty much shut down . About the only things opened were the dorms and the library . So , what do you get when you mix liquor , 4 guys , 3 days , and a phone ? Trouble . We went looking for a room , which was unlocked and had a phone . We found one . The occupants had gone home for the weekend . So , Friday night was when we started . It ended on Sunday . We went on constantly calling everywhere . While 2 guys were calling , 2 other guys were sleeping . One of our group spoke fluent French , and he called the Sorbonne in Paris to register for classes . We called China to ask to speak to the Leader of the Country . We didn 't get through , but we did talk to some folks in Vietnam . In my British accent , I called the Israeli Embassy and told them that the British government didn 't like their citizens being mistreated in Israel , and if they didn 't stop , that meant war between Great Britain and Israel . I got as far as the ambassador 's secretary , before I hung up . We also did some domestic pranks . We found that if you call the local numbers for hotels , instead of the 800 numbers , that they will believe you more . So , we called hotels in Honolulu to book their ballrooms for wedding receptions . Now , I should say here that I do not condone our actions , nor do I suggest how one can make phony phone calls . This is just a story what we did in 1975 . There are many calls that we made , which I don 't remember , because I was drunk . We even went to the school library and got pages out of phone books to call them . I do remember just calling people at random and to ask them what the weather was like where they were . While one of the pranksters and I were standing in line for graduation practice the following weekend , the guy whose phone we used came up to us in a panic . He said that the school wasn 't going to let him graduate until he paid his phone bill . He said the bill was $ 1500 , and it came in a box . We looked shocked , and didn 't tell him it was us . We just told him that if he could prove he wasn 't at school , when these calls were made , then he wouldn 't have to pay them . He said his father was going to kill him . He kept rambling about not knowing anyone in Paris or Vietnam . I hope his father didn 't kill him . SoPosted by As you probably know by now , I love the movies . From an early age , I have had a love for the movies . Now , you have to keep in mind that videos didn 't come out until I was in my 20 's , so I had to go to a theatre to see a movie back in the day . When I was in Anderson , they had at least three movie theatres in town , not to mention drive - ins . I saw just about every movie that came to town . I even went to a drive - in a couple of times . I saw all kinds of movies , but my favorites were the ones with action and people getting shot or beat up . So , when I went to PC , I found that Clinton only had one movie theatre , which wasn 't going to be enough for my movie fix . Besides , the theatre in Clinton showed only G and PG films . They liked to pride themselves on being the only theatre in the Southeast to not show R rated films . Most of those films had people getting shot or beat up . Laurens was only 8 miles away from Clinton , and they had two movie theatres . The downtown one showed a lot of movies to my liking , including karate movies . So , I would take the bus over to Laurens to go to the movies . The other theatre there showed more eclectic movies , so they were a nice change to the " B " movies that were in the downtown theatre . One night , I had gone to see a karate movie , which got out late , and I missed the last bus back to Clinton . So , I decided to walk back to school . It was only 8 miles . It was dark , and I got to an intersection that I thought would take me toward Clinton . I kept walking a couple of miles and saw a sign to Greenwood . I was going in the wrong direction . 8 miles was turning into 12 miles , because I had to double back . When I finally got on the right road , I was trying to avoid cars hitting me . Now , it was close to midnight . I was about a mile out of town , when a car stopped and asked if I wanted a ride . I said yes and got into this souped - up car . He took me back to school . My feet ached for days . I got the bright idea of borrowing a bicycle to ride to Laurens , since I didn 't want to miss another bus . I also got a map of the county to look for a back road to Laurens . I found this farm road that was a straight shot , so I set out on that road . I had gotten a little ways down it through farmland , when some wild dogs attacked me . I tried to shoo them away , but they were more interested in me . I turned around and went back to Clinton , and they gave up chasing me , so I never got to bike to Laurens . Greenville and Spartanburg were about 40 miles away , and they had lots more theatres . There was a girl in school named Susan , and she had a car . I told her that I had a doctor 's appointment in Greenville for my bad knees , so she let me borrow her car . I drove to Greenville and went to the movies . I didn 't have a doctor 's appointment . In fact , I didn 't know any doctors in Greenville . She was kind of gullible . I then found excuses to go to drive - ins up there , because the appointment ran long , and it got dark , so I would return her car later . She finally caught on to my ruse , and she cut off the car from me . So , I went back to the movies in Clinton . G and PG . Very little killing and getting beat up . Ugh . My summer job in 1974 was working at Bankers Trust in Columbia . I had worked there during the summer of 1972 in the parking lot , but I got upgraded to an inside job in the vault , which was located in the basement of the bank . . My official title was " Assistant Vault Comptroller " , but that just meant that I had to watch the vault when the Comptroller was away . My duties were pretty mundane . I rolled the coins with a machine that kept breaking down . Twice a day , we had to balance the vault with the money inside . Also , I had to open the vault for those folks needing to look at their safety deposit boxes , or those from the Trust Department needing to look at some stock certificates . I also had to take money up to the tellers , or remove money from their drawers , if it got too much . My last duty was to change the film in the cameras that watched the bank lobby . One thing about the vault was that there was no AC , and it got stuffy down there , so I took advantage of any opportunity to go upstairs and get some fresh air . Another thing about the vault was that there was a lot of down time , so I read books and listened to a cassette player they allowed me to bring . I was able to keep any weird coins I found like foreign money , as long as I replaced them with good coins . A cool thing about the work was that I got two hours off for lunch , because the bank was closed between 1 and 3 . There was a movie theatre nearby , and I would go to see the movies during lunch . Most of the time , I would get in during the middle of the picture , so I would have to wait until the next showing to see the beginning of the movie to figure out what was going on . I spent the first two weeks there trying to figure out how to rob the bank and get away with it . Since the vault was audited twice a day , that meant that it would have to be done quickly . I figured that 10 men with shotguns could do it , but then they would have to rush to the airport and get a flight out of the country . Since Columbia didn 't have any international flights , that would make it more difficult . I gave up on that idea . Another job I had was to carry large checks from one bank to another . The checks couldn 't be cashed by just anybody , as most of them were State checks , but I often times would walk down the street with millions of dollars in my pocket , and no one knew . I also became insensitive to money . I once was walking down the street , when I saw $ 10 on the sidewalk . I walked over it . A guy next to me picked it up and asked why I didn 't . I told him that it wasn 't my money . That philosophy worked well later for me , when I worked in retail . As one of my jobs was changing the film , I had to do it in the dark in a closet . This was before videotape , so the film was 8mm film , which could not be exposed to light . I had a hard time doing this , so I would crack the door just a little to see . By doing this , I exposed the film and ruined it . I 'm glad we weren 't robbed during my tenure there , because the film would not have been much use . Toward the end of the summer , we were moving our bank two blocks away to a larger building . One of my duties was to prepare the files to move . Wells Fargo came to take the files and stock certificates to the bank , and I was responsible for seeing they got to the truck . It was only a few feet from the front door of the bank to the truck , but I had to make sure they got out okay . Another joy I had was to haul a safe to the new bank . The safe was only about 4 ft . tall , but it was made of steel and iron . They gave me a hand truck to do this job . When I got to the corner , I had to take a running start to be able to cross the street , and pray cars would stop . Thankfully , they did . It was very heavy . The offices were cleared out . One man and I were charged with going through all of the offices and make sure everything had been taken . We got to an office that had a phone still hooked up , so I decided to try a prank . I had the phone number to The White House in Washington , and I called . I told them that I was with Strom Thurmond 's office in Columbia and wanted to get an appointment with the President ( Ford ) . I was transferred to several secretaries , until I got the Congressional Appointments secretary . She asked me why Thurmond wanted an appointment with Ford , since the two of them were traveling that day together to Chicago . I made up an excuse that the Columbia office can 't coordinate Thurmond 's schedule with his Washington office . I didn 't know that they were tracing the call . I got scared and hung up . A few mins . later , my co - worker came into the room I had been in , and the phone rang . He picked it up and said , " This ain 't Strom Thurmond 's office . This is a bank . " I was afraid I was going to get arrested , but I was thankful that was my last day working for the bank . I never talked to the Secret Service about that . I hope the statute of limitations has run out on prank calls to The White House . I had a lot of encounters with famous people at PC . Most were brought in as lecturers , but some were artists . The artists included the Atlanta Rhythm Section , Lester Flatt , Mac Wiseman , and Uncle John 's Band . The lecturers included Alex Haley , Reg Murphy , Edna Rostow , and James Dickey . Alex Haley had just published " Roots " . He was a little stuck - up but interesting to talk to . Reg Murphy was the publisher of the Atlanta Constitution newspaper and had been kidnapped at one point . He was easy to talk to . I guess he liked talking with anybody after his ordeal . Edna Rostow was a trip . She and her husband were influential in American foreign policy during the 60 's . She came to one of our convocations , and was supposed to only speak 30 minutes . Apparently , she had forgotten her watch , because 30 minutes went to an hour , and an hour went to 90 minutes . During her rambling , some of the students in the audience developed coughing fits to try and get her to stop speaking . Then , there was a contest by some students to see who could win in drink can races by rolling the cans down the auditorium and through the seats . She kept on talking . Some students pulled out books and started to read them . After about 90 minutes , she stopped and said " Well , I guess I 've talked long enough . " She got a rousing cheer and a standing ovation . She thought it was for her . We were just glad it was over . James Dickey came to our Modern Poetry class for a lecture . He was pretty famous for " Deliverance " , as well as for all of his poetry . I got to sit next to him at lunch , because I had known him from when I was in high school , and my senior English teacher was a good friend of his , and she introduced me to him . He knew I wrote poetry , and he gave me some great advice on the subject . Jim had been drinking that morning , which he did a lot of in those days , and his breath knocked me over at lunch . I ran into him again , when I lived in Ft . Worth , as he spoke at TCU . We caught up on old times . I later went to his memorial at USC after he died . I miss JimPosted by I went to PC to study serious Drama work . In between my Junior and Senior years , my Drama professor went on sabbatical , and the school brought in a temporary teacher named Skelley Warren . Skelley was really more into the technical aspects of the Theatre like Lights , Sounds , Sets , etc . His expertise in directing actors was a bit different , but I learned a lot from him . One thing was that he would stand on my left during rehearsals and yell things into my ear to try and break my concentration . Some people couldn 't do it , but I was pretty good in ignoring him . It taught me a lot about how to focus . In the Spring of 1975 , it was announced that we would be doing a musical . The Theatre Dept . was to combine with the Music Dept . to do this musical . Even the Art Dept . was going to contribute to the production . The idea didn 't sit well with us serious actors , but we had to go along with it . It was also announced that they would have open auditions for anyone on campus who wanted to participate . We all thought that the key roles would be done by the acting students , and any crowd scenes would be done by other students . The musical chosen was " A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum " . It had a large cast . So , the auditions were held in the school auditorium on campus , where we would do the play . I was up for the part of one of the leads , who was a slave . It was the same role played by Zero Mostel in the movie . During my audition , I was to be called by my master , and I got the bright idea to wear knee pads under my pants and come in sliding on stage on my knees from 10 feet away from the master . The first time that I did it was well received by the others there , since no one knew what I was going to do . Everybody laughed . The idea came to me , and it wasn 't in the script . So , they asked me to do it again . This time , I got up more speed backstage and then slid further on my knees . They loved it . Just to see how I would do in another part , I auditioned for the role of the old father , which was played by Buster Keaton in the movie . I just half - heartily did that audition , because I knew I had the slave role sown up . When the announcement of the roles came out , I got the old man named Erronius , and a guy with no experience got the lead slave role . I was not pleased . After all , I was a Theatre major . I was in the Drama fraternity . I had been told I had a lot of talent . And , I got cast in a supporting role . As it turned out , most of the real actors had supporting roles . That didn 't sit too well with us either . During rehearsals , we had to do it in sections , because the cast was so big . Skelley 's wife was into Yoga , so she was in charge of getting us to exercise and get into shape for this musical . There was a lot of physical stuff that we had to do . She taught us that doing exercise would help us be loose for our work . One of the hardest exercises was to lay on your back and try to get your legs to bend over your head , so that your toes touched the floor behind you . Some were better than others with this feat , and I was about to go about 3 / 4 of the way . She also had us roll our shoulders , and dance around . There was some dancing that we had to do in the musical , so she taught us the steps . Most of us didn 't have much coordination , but we learned . We also got some vocal coaching from the Music Dept . , since we had to sing in front of the audience . Thankfully , I only had to do a brief solo in the opening number , and the rest was choral work . When we go to the performances , it was pretty tight . The main slave took the business that I had done in auditions of sliding across the stage . The audience howled . It was my idea . They doused me with baby powder to make it look like dust , because I had to run around the 7 hills of Rome , and I ran through the stage at very strange times during the play . The powder caused breathing problems for me , and it made it very slippery backstage . One actor slipped and fell backstage and hurt his knee . He carried on , because he was a trooper . During a dress rehearsal , they brought it some students from a special needs school to see the play . They laughed at everything , even the stuff that wasn 't funny . We knew where the laughs should be , but we were able to use that experience to expect the unexpected . Our reviews were nothing short than amazing . One told me that she had seen the musical on Broadway , and ours was better . We took numerous curtain calls . It was a great success . It may not have been a serious work . We had an orchestra that did good . All of the actors , even those with little or no experience , did well . It was the hardest I had ever worked on a production , and it paid off . As I wrote previously , the PC Dean of Students and I didn 't get along . Dean Ivey wanted everything to be the status quo , and I wanted to shake things up . He had a dog , which was a beautiful brown Labrador . One afternoon , I was walking across the campus , and his dog began to follow me . They say that dogs are very instinctive as to who likes them , and I petted his dog . The Lab followed me into my dorm and started up the four flights to my room . I had to tell the dog that he couldn 't come with me , and the dog looked puzzled . Apparently , I was more of a friend to him than his master . Maybe his master didn 't show the attention to him , but I did . I am really not a dog person , but this dog was special . He belonged to Dean Ivey . I saw the dog several times after that , and he was always nice to me . Dean Ivey had a house along a street across from campus . It was behind the student building and across the tennis courts . One night , some friends and I decided to play a trick on Dean Ivey . We called a tow truck company in Clinton and pretended it was Dean Ivey calling . The fake Dean said that there was a car parked in his driveway , and he didn 't know whose it was , but he wanted it towed away " NOW ! " . It was around 2am . We sat in the bleachers across from the tennis courts and watched what followed . The tow truck came and hooked up the car to take away . As he was hauling off the car , Dean Ivey came running out of his house wearing his pajamas , and yelling " Wait , that 's my car ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " It was very funny . Dean Ivey got his car back , and as far as I know , he never found out who did it . It could have been a fraternity prank . He had more enemies than just me . My friends and I had the most fun that night . Ivey is not on Earth any more , so sorry Ben ( wherever you are ) . In order to fulfill my degree in Fine Arts , I had to take courses in music and art . My Music Appreciation course was awful . I really didn 't care about having to identify classical pieces , so I didn 't do very well in that course . I did get to go to Rock Hill to hear the NY Philharmonic at Winthrop as part of the course , but we were almost killed coming back , when our driver ( and professor ) fell asleep at the wheel , and we came within inches of crashing into a bridge . My art class was Sculpture . I can 't draw worth a lick , so Sculpture seemed to be my only option . Our class was commissioned by the town of Clinton to come up with sculptures for a park . They wanted sculptures that would be functional for kids to play on , as well as being somethings that folks could look at and appreciate . In addition to the artwork , we were also supposed to design playground equipment that would be nice to look at . So , we got to work . I helped design a swing set , which was made out of logs . It looked kind of rustic . Then , I had to come up with an idea for a sculpture . I just couldn 't think of anything . I knew that it had to be something that kids could play on . I had an idea about that , but how could I make it appealing to the masses ? The teacher was putting pressure on us to come up with ideas . The time was growing short . I got frustrated and threw a ball of clay down on my table and stuck a knife through the middle . The teacher saw it and said that my concept was great . I thought he was either drunk or high or both , but I went with his critique . I developed a model of a large ball that sat flat on the ground . There was a center hole that went through the length of the piece , and a side ledge , which kids could use to climb up on the piece . It was our assignment to design the sculptures . The next semester 's goal was to build them from our designs . So , during the Spring of 1975 , my sculpture was built . They took wood and chicken wire to make the foundation , and then they poured concrete over the top . Kids could climb on it and slide down through the middle . It was called " The Monster " because of its size . It stood a little over six feet tall . It was also about seven feet wide . To me , it looked like a big blob of cement , but I guess art is in the eye of the beholder . The Monster stood in that park for several years . In the mid - 1980 's , it was dismantled , because some teenagers were spray painting obscenities on the sides . My swing set has remained , but The Monster is no more . I was sitting in class at PC one morning . The class was on the 3rd floor of the three - story classroom building . We were watching a movie . All of a sudden , the power went off , and we heard a freight train outside the window . Our teacher told everyone to get on the floor . He knew what it was . I didn 't . After a short time , ( it felt longer than it actually was ) the " train " was gone and everyone started getting up off of the floor . The teacher asked us if we were okay , and everyone said yes . We slowly walked outside , fearing what we would see . I looked around and saw the buildings seemed to be okay . I did see a tree that was next to my dorm was gone . I went to my dorm room and saw that a tree next to my window was gone . My room overlooked the football field , and I saw that the tornado had taken out all of the light poles about halfway up . I realized what had happened . The tornado had taken the tree on one side of my dorm ; skipped over the building ; and then taken the tree on the other side of my dorm before going across the field . If it had gone through my dorm , it would have gone straight through my room . The tornado also tore through some homes on the other side of the football field , but thankfully no one was seriously hurt . The fact that it happened in the Spring meant that football season was over , so they had time to repair the light poles . It was pretty scary , but we were also thankful that it wasn 't worse . That was the first of three tornadoes that I have been in . I will write about the other two later . The fact is that it DOES sound like a freight train . Three tornadoes in my lifetime are three too many . I pray that I will never be in a fourth . The quality of our Theatre work at PC spread past the confines of the school . We were invited to an Alcohol Symposium on Fripp Island attended by educators and people who worked with substance abusers to present the theme of the conference in a dramatic way . They gave us the theme in advance , and I helped write it . There were five of us that went to the conference . Our skit was based on a family dealing with the crisis of young people drinking , and the parents also drinking , but not knowing where the kids got their behavior to drink . The theme was on alcohol prevention . So , we went to this resort on Fripp Island in South Carolina . We got lost a couple of times going down there , but we made it in time for the Friday night opening . The conference went from Friday night to Sunday morning . Our presentation was very well received . The leader of the conference suggested that we sit in on the discussion groups , because he wanted us to come up with a summary skit of the conference . The main speaker at the conference was a Canadian professor named Wilson Bryan Key . He taught media at a university in Toronto . He had written a book called " Subliminal Seduction " . His theory was that advertisers place subliminal things in their ads that make you want to buy the product . For example , he showed a picture of ice cubes from a drink , and the advertisers and painted in two polar bears mating in the ice . He said that your brain saw things subconsciously that you didn 't realize you were seeing , which would cause you to react in a way that the advertisers wanted you to react without knowing why . Another example was the $ 5 bill . Supposedly , the government etched the word " sex " in Lincoln 's beard , which would make you want to like the bill more . Now , I have to say that much of his theory sounded a bit like paranoia , but some of what he said actually made sense . You might want to check out the book to see for yourself . Anyway , this was a meeting for those people on the front lines of trying to get young people not to drink . After the conference each night , many of the participants went to the bar at the resort for drinks . They also bought liquor and drank in their rooms . These folks would put their trash cans out to be picked up , and they were full of bottles and cans . It brought to mind the old adage - - Do as I say , not as I do . I know there is a school of thought that one must experience things before they can help others , but this was not so much experiencing the drinking as much as experiencing the hangover the next morning . On Sunday morning , we presented our summary skit for the conference . It was basically the same one we did Friday night with a few changes . The resort was pretty nice . There were several things that we wanted to take as souvenirs . Towels , sheets , silverware , candle centerpieces from the restaurant , napkins glasses , whatever wasn 't nailed down . We tried for the TV 's , but they were screwed to the wall , and we didn 't bring any screwdrivers . I got two candles , two glasses , a towel , and some silverware . I had the things wrapped in the towel . When we got back to PC , I was walking in the dorm with my loot , and I tripped on the step . I dropped my stuff on the cement floor , and the glasses and one candle broke . I was able to save one candle and the silverware . I guess that was my punishment . On Monday , our teacher got a call from the resort . They asked about all the stuff that was missing . We denied taking anything , but they knew we had stolen the stuff . PC was not asked back the following year for the conference . Sorry , guys . You may remember I time when there were downtown department stores . This was before malls got popular and the downtown area became a ghost town . So , around Christmas , 1974 I was hired as a stock boy for the Toy Department in our downtown Belk Department Store . It was just a Christmas job before going back to PC for the Spring semester . Officially , my job was to restock the toy shelves during the Christmas rush . I worked with 2 other people . Belk sat on the corner of Main and Hampton Streets , which is where the art museum is now along with a bank . Other stores downtown included Davison 's , Penney 's , Haltiwanger 's , Tapp 's , and one or two more . Belk was the biggest . It had four floors , although only three were for selling to customers . The fourth floor had offices , a restaurant , and stock rooms . Our toy stockroom was on the fourth floor . Near the back of the stockroom was an opening with a metal slide that connected to the stockroom behind Toys on the third floor . The concept was to slide the toys from the fourth floor to someone on the third floor to restock the department . It was a good concept , since the third floor stockroom couldn 't hold many toys . We were told that we couldn 't slide down the slide between floors , but we did anyway . After all , one had to have fun . There was a lot of downtime during the day , so I would go out onto the floor and help customers find stuff . It also got busy , when a sales associate would leave the register to go help someone , so I learned how to run the register , and rang up stuff for other associates . One in particular - - Cathy . She was nice , and I had a crush on her . Her sales started going through the roof , because I would ring stuff on her number . She didn 't find out until I was about to leave the job . My supervisor got mad at me , because I wasn 't supposed to ring stuff up , but then I thought that it meant more money for the store , because customers might leave mad because I couldn 't help them . That was the start of my thinking that the customer was the most important part of the equation . My supervisor wanted me to just stock toys , but there were just so many toys we could put on the fixtures . I would return to Belk after graduation from PC to work a year , while saving money for my next adventure . I will write about that later , but for now just to say that retail during Christmas is not very fun . Be kind to thosPosted by As you know , if you have been reading this blog , one of my most successful ventures in Theatre was at Anderson College doing " The Breaking of Bread " . If you don 't know , you may want to read about it , but if you are too lazy , this play was a one - act that we did at AC and in surrounding churches . It was about two soldiers in the Civil War , one Union and one Confederate , encountering one another with wanting to kill each other and then becoming friends . It is a powerful play , and one we thought was jinxed , because someone got hurt or something went wrong during each performance . So , my first directing venture was at Presbyterian College in 1974 . I was required to direct a one - act play , and I chose " The Breaking of Bread " . After all , I was familiar with the piece , and it would be easy to direct it . I immediately found a problem with it . The Klan was very apparent in Laurens County at that time . If I did a Civil War play about two soldiers coming together , there might be problems , so I rewrote the play . Instead of it taking place during the Civil War , I changed it to World War III . Instead of two soldiers from the US , I changed them to one from America and the other from England . Yes , England and America were at war against one another . And , there had been a nuclear war that had wiped out everyone except these last two guys . Our casting went okay . I cast a guy from the Theatre Dept . to play the American . I brought in a guy from outside the department to play the British soldier . We had a month of rehearsals , and everything was going great . Then the jinx raised its head . One afternoon rehearsal , about a week before opening night , the actor playing the British soldier said a line that I thought was funny , so I laughed . He thought I was laughing at him . I was laughing at his character . He got mad and stormed off of the stage . He said I insulted him . I tried to coax him back , but he quit . What was I going to do ? I was going to be graded on this play . The other actor suggested a guy he had seen , who he thought could play the role of the British soldier . I was desperate , so I saw him , and he was perfect for the role . I had a flashback to the time I did the lead in " Up the Down Staircase " at Anderson with two days to cram for the role . This new actor had to do the same thing . Once again though , one has a great advantage in the Theatre that the audience does not have the scripts in front of them to know if a mistake was made . Everything went off without a hitch , and the audience liked my play . One thing about the Theatre that you should know is that the audience sees the finished product . Thank goPosted by One of my favorite TV shows is " Whose Line is it Anyway ? " . It is an improvisation show . It does not use scripts , and the actors come up with scenes from suggestions that the moderator gives or by those in the audience . One very successful franchises for improv is Second City . If you are not familiar with them , they have been around a long time , and many SNL cast members have come from there . In 1974 - 75 at PC , I was required to direct two productions . I am going to talk about the second one first . My second was an Improvisational workshop . Back then , not many people knew about improv . So , the workshop was part entertainment and part educational . I assembled some actors from PC who knew how to do improv and we worked a couple of weeks beforehand on some techniques . We only did one performance for PC . We had promoted it all over campus , but only a few people showed up , and most of them were Psychology or Theatre students . We had a good time , though . I have been accused of being a trend - setter for one thing or another . I like to think that I introduced people to something back then who now take the form of Theatre for granted . Posted by Toward the end of the Fall semester at PC in 1974 , I was cast in the lead role for a play called " Where Did We Go Wrong ? " It was a Christmas - themed play about the 4th Wise Man , and his goal to make money on souvenirs at the birth of Jesus . He was consumed with the commercialization of Christmas . We didn 't have much in the way of props . One of the funnier moments in the play was when he invents a car , because he hates camels . We used 4 stools to represent the inside of the car , and much of the action was mimed . It was hard to work out some stuff like everyone leaning to the left or right when making turns in the car . The play had a lot of funny moments , but the end was very serious . We did a preview performance of the play at our theatre , and then we took it on the road . We went to 2 churches in Clinton , and both were well received . We then set out for Atlanta . Our first performance was at the North Decatur Presbyterian Church . All went well . Our second performance in Atlanta was at the Druid Hills Presbyterian Church . As I wrote in an earlier blog , I had been introduced to alcohol at PC . It had been about a year since my first taste , and now I was a seasoned professional . Earlier in that day , before the performance that night , I went with some friends to a bar at the top of our hotel in Atlanta . I drank several Vodka Collins . If you ever hear a drunk say that they can handle it , don 't believe them . We got to the church , and I could barely stand up . Thankfully , much of the play required me to sit , so I didn 't fall down . However , one very scary thing happened . I did all of my lines perfect . My characterization was great . My acting was great . The scary thing came after the play . People came backstage and told me it was the best performance they had ever seen . They were comparing me to Olivier and DeNiro . They were telling me that I was the best actor . Others in the cast were fawning over me . I couldn 't remember a thing about what I had done on stage . I had basically performed the lines on auto - pilot . One of the actors told me that he could tell I was " different " , but he couldn 't put his finger on what it was . I was drunk . Because it was due to vodka , no one smelled it on my breath . I only wished I could remember how great I was . Never again did I ever perform either drunk or stoned . I never wanted to forget that I was good . That may sound egotistical , but I know I was the best . I still had a problem with alcohol for years later , but never on stage again . That one was scary . I loved that play . It is one of my personal favorites of all I have done over the years . If you can find it , you may want to look into doing it in your church . Just don 't have anyone drink before you do it . I have seen a lot of movies in my life . I guess you could say that I am a movie buff . I haven 't seen every movie , but I would estimate that the movies I have seen are in the thousands . There are some movies that I want to see , but haven 't for some reason . In the Fall of 1974 , one of those movies I had not seen was something called " Dead Heat on a Merry - Go - Round " . PC was showing that movie for students one night , and I thought it was a great chance to see it . The room was only sparsely filled . It was me and some football players with their girlfriends . I wanted to watch the movie . They came to cut - up . They had water pistols and some might have been drunk . They caused such a ruckus that I couldn 't hear the film . I got mad and left . As I have talked about before , I had a place in the school newspaper for my letters to the editor . They were something of a staple for the paper . When I didn 't write using my name , I used a pseudonym . No one was supposed to know that the fake name was me , except for the editor and asst . editor . I turned in a letter criticizing the football team and its players . The letter questioned the IQ of the players . It was pretty bad . I used the pseudonym . It was printed the next week . The football team at PC was revered . Not because they won games , because they didn 't win many , but because sports was the number - one draw to the school , and they made a lot of money for the school . No one dared criticize the players or coaches . After the letter was published , the coaches and players wanted to know who wrote it . The editor said he wasn 't going to say . Apparently , the asst . editor spilled the beans . The team had a meeting and decided to put a " contract " out on my life . Word came to me that I could go to class or meals without retribution , but any other time that I was outside , there would be trouble . And there was . One person taped the paper to my dorm room door and set it on fire . It burned a bit of my door , but someone put the fire out before it got worse . Someone threw a lit firecracker under my door , while I was sleeping . It got so bad that I wrote a letter to the security dept . , asking them to insure my safety . They didn 't do anything . I guess they sided with the team . I also wrote letters to both the administration and the coach in which I denied writing the letter to the editor . That didn 't seem to work either . So , I left school for a week . I went to Greenville and stayed with a couple of friends , hoping all of this would blow over . I missed two mid - term exams in Shakespeare and Modern Poetry . I ended up failing both classes . I came back to school and wrote a letter of apology to the coach . I admitted that I wrote the letter . They had another team meeting and called off the " contract " , but there was a condition . I was to attend all home games , and they would assign a seat for me in the stands . If they didn 't see me sitting there , the retribution would start up again . So , I agreed to the " punishment " of sitting in the stands , and watching PC lose , but it was worth it to get on with my life . The letters continued after that ordeal , but I was much more careful what I wrote . Freedom of the Press can be dangerous . I proved that . Toward the end of my Junior year at PC , I was invited to join Alpha Psi Omega Honor Dramatic Fraternity . One had to accrue points from being in or working on plays . I was already a member of Delta Psi Omega from my work at Anderson College , and those points transferred to PC . At that time , I was the only person in South Carolina to hold both memberships . I guess that was a big deal . Everyone had heard about the initiation into Alpha Psi . We heard about the ritual , and how hard it was . Each person had to memorize a passage from a work by Shakespeare , and it had to do something with the Theatre . I chose a part of " Hamlet " . I crammed and memorized it , but I have never been a fan of Shakespeare , because his language is very difficult to learn . They had the initiation at night , and we had to stand outside until our name was called to enter the Black Magic Theatre . I was sweating bullets , as every candidate was . We had heard that if we messed up the soliloquy , that we would be rejected . My name was called , and I entered the dark theatre . There was a small light on the Alpha Psi members seated behind a table . They made it seem very scary . Imagine a haunted house . That was the ambiance . I was more nervous about something than I had ever been before . They asked me to perform my passage . I guess I did okay , but I really don 't remember . I was too scared . They preyed on your emotion . After I finished , they all gave critiques . They were very cruel . Then the vote came , and I was unanimously voted in . I found out later that everyone got in that were nominated , and the critiques were all an act . The next year , I got to sit behind that table and do the same thing to those candidates that had been done to me the year before . After that night of initiation , they put a star beside my name in all of the programs noting that I was a member of Alpha Psi Omega , and I was included on a special page in my Senior yearbook . It turned out to be a big deal . In between the Theatre and my others classes , I was heavily involved in social change . It stemmed from my work in the anti - war movement and human rights . At PC , it was a little easier to do these things , because much of the student body was more liberal than those at Anderson . Our school newspaper was " The Blue Stocking " . It was a play on our school team , which was the " Blue Hose " . It wasn 't until much later that I knew what that meant . The editor of the paper was a friend named Eddie . He and I shared positions on what needed to be changed at PC . The list was somewhat long and changed from time to time , but it all centered around the administration and their seemingly lack of caring for the students . Their philosophy more had to do with money and pleasing the Trustees . I didn 't have a regular column in the paper , but Eddie did give me space for an almost weekly Letter to the Editor spot . My letters were sometimes angry and sometimes thoughtful . It got to the point that several students told me that I was the voice that they didn 't have before . Others got tired of my rants . The administration saw it as a thorn in their side . Some of my letters dealt with trying to get co - ed visitation in the dorms . Others were more political in nature about current events . I know that some students read my letter first before reading anything else in the paper . I became a fixture for the good ( and bad ) . In the Spring of 1974 , it became time for those interested in running for president of the student body to sign up . I was urged to run . There were five candidates . Two dropped out early on in the campaign . The ones left were Millie , Howard and me . Millie had the backing of the administration . Howard was much more liberal than me and had the hippie backing . I had the backing of the jocks , fraternities , and pretty much everyone else . We all had to make a speech in convocation to introduce ourselves and tell what our platforms were going to be . Millie spoke on staying the course . Howard basically promised everything short of having co - ed dorms . I gave a rousing speech about the evils of the administration . The Dean of Students was a ex - Army man named Dean Ivey . He and I were at each others ' throats all the time . I really think he hated me , and I didn 't like him . During my speech , I saw him sitting in the balcony of the auditorium by himself . I had a line in the speech that the administration sat in " their Ivey . . I mean Ivory Towers " . I looked directly at him , and he looked very sternly back at me . The audience erupted in laughter . If Dean Ivey had a gun on him , I don 't think I would be here today . His face turned purple . So , between our speeches and the election , there was a week to campaign . It was generally thought that I had the election won . The night before the voting , Millie called me in my dorm and told me that she was going to drop out . I deserved to win , she said . She told me that she was scared , and felt she wasn 't qualified , but that I was the most qualified . I tried to calm her down , but also I thanked her . She said that if there was a run - off between me and her , she would endorse me . Neither one of us thought Howard had much of a chance . The next day , the voting began . At the end of the day , it was announced that Howard and Millie had the most votes , and there would be a run - off . I couldn 't believe the outcome . Neither could the other two . The run - off happened the next day , and Millie won . Upon further investigation , we heard that I got the most votes the first time , but the administration decided I was not to win . In the run - off , Howard got the most votes , but he didn 't win . Millie won . I was given a pretty good position though of being on the Student Affairs Committee , which was comprised of students and faculty as a liaison between the students and the administration . We discussed the needs of the school and how we could get the Trustees on board with us . I also had a seat on the Student Assembly representing the independent students ( those not in any other groups on campus ) . I am actually glad I didn 't get the presidency of the student body , as it gave me more time to party , but I continued my letters . One got me in serious trouble . More on that later . In the Spring of 1974 , I was given an acting role with the Black Magic Players at PC . I had done a couple of behind the scenes jobs on previous plays , but it was now time to shine . The play was " The Birthday Party " by Harold Pinter . I played a Jewish man named Goldberg , who was not a good guy . I had to learn to do a Jewish accent , which I think I pulled off . The play was in the round , which meant that one couldn 't stand in one spot for very long . I had to be careful , because I could easily hit someone 's foot in the audience sitting on the front row . I did that a couple of times , but you just had to stay in character and ignore the audience . The play was very serious and dark . It required me to drink and smoke on stage . My Mother remarked afterwards that it was strange seeing me smoke a cigarette . She didn 't know that I had been smoking for years , so I tried to lie to her and tell her that I didn 't inhale . I blew into the cigarette to make the tip glow . I don 't think she bought my story . There are a few tricks that I learned while working at PC . One was that if you have a mirror on stage , spray it with hair spray and the lights won 't reflect into the audience , but the reflection of the person will show . Another was to put a small film of water in an ashtray , so one could put out a cigarette without the lingering smoke distracting the scene . In one scene , we had to drink Scotch . Of course , it would not be the real thing . During rehearsals , we had just used water to pretend before opening night . The director sent someone to the liquor store to get a real bottle of Scotch for opening night . The prop person was to empty the Scotch bottle and replace it with tea . He did that , but he didn 't wash out the bottle before putting in the tea . No one was told what had been done . When we went to drink the Scotch , it was tea - flavored Scotch . It was quite a surprise . The subsequent performances just had tea . The cast " explained " ( yelled ) at the prop guy afterwards about his mistake . Another scene , toward the end of the play , required a boy to blow into Goldberg 's mouth to restore him from his exhaustion . The boy was played by a high school senior and brother of one of our actors . He and I were both uncomfortable about this scene and the homosexual undertones . In rehearsals , we couldn 't stop laughing . We were both embarrassed , but when I would laugh , he would laugh . When he laughed , I laughed . We just couldn 't get through the scene without laughing , and it was a very serious scene . It got to the point that we had to do something to get through it without laughing . So , the director suggested for each of us not to look into the eyes of the other , but rather pick a point on the forehead of the other and stare at that during the scene . The suggestion worked , because we knew we had to get through it . I also asked the boy to use mouthwash before blowing into my mouth . That helped . A couple of times , our eyes started to tear up , because we were holding in the laughter . It made for a more convincing scene . My acting was well received , and I finally showed the others that I had talent . The next two roles that I had required me to play old men in those . More on that later . I have been introduced to a lot of famous people , but this story is not about any of those . I have also tried to be as honest as possible with my stories , and this one will be no different . I only ask that you don 't think any less of me after reading it . And , if you put it into the context of my life during college and beyond , then it might make more sense . So , here goes . My Mother once told me that I have an addictive personality . Little did she know how much of that was true . When I was around 14 , I discovered cigarettes . I would ride my bike over to Flora and find half - smoked cigarettes in the parking lot . Students would go out to their cars between classes to smoke , but they couldn 't finish them , so they threw them on the ground . I would find those and smoke the rest . I know that wasn 't too sanitary , but it was still a kick . I also would look for cars in neighborhoods with cigarette packs on the dashboards . If the cars were unlocked , I stole the packs . My favorites were Salems and Winstons . I smoked off and on until 1984 . For a time in college , I smoked those small cigars . I could buy those legally . They made me look cool . When I got to college , I discovered a few more things . First was cocaine laced snuff . They would put cocaine in snuff flavored with strawberry or cherry . I didn 't do that much , but it did give me a rush . The downside was that I got nosebleeds . One was so severe in my Sophomore year that it looked like the horse head scene from " The Godfather " . After that incident , I didn 't do it any more . The other things I discovered in my Sophomore year was speed and downers . When I would do plays , the play would usually go until around 11pm . I would take legal speed called " No - Doz " . This stuff was pure caffeine , and it was designed to keep you awake . The normal dose was one pill . Usually , I would take two . Yes , it kept me awake , but then I needed something to sleep , so I took sleeping pills . This was a regular habit . Often , I would wake up the next morning and have a headache , so I would have to take aspirin - - a lot of aspirin . That did a number on my stomach . I had this routine for several years , when doing plays . I had to stop it , when I started drinking . The only alcohol I had was the wine in Rome , which was covered earlier . When I got to PC , alcohol was more prevalent . One night , I went with some friends to a forest outside of Clinton , and I had my first taste of beer . I didn 't like the taste , so someone told me to think of it as " banana juice " . I know that sounds gross , but it worked . During my Senior year , I drank a lot of beer . One night , I drank 22 beers over a three - hour period . I passed out for two days . I went to a fraternity party and got very drunk . I pinched a girl 's butt with ice tongs , and she told me that she had problems sitting down for a week . I also discovered daiquiris in Atlanta during this time . I liked those and Tom Collins mostly . Anything with Vodka was the best , since it didn 't smell on my breath . I will address the Atlanta trip later , at least what I can remember of it . Alcohol was a part of my life until around 2000 . I can 't have any alcohol now without getting sick . During that trip to the forest , I was also introduced to Marijuana . I didn 't feel anything at first . No buzz . I tried it again in Atlanta and really got stoned . So much so that I went for a walk one night and found myself floating down the sidewalk . The last time I did grass was 1981 . Another drug during this time was LSD . I think I only did two hits of that , but it caused me to have flashbacks for many years afterwards . Thankfully , the flashbacks never happened while I was driving . They would come every three months . Then every six months . Then every nine months . I haven 't had any for about five years . I hope I have outgrown them . I never did Heroin . I had two friends die from overdoses during high school , so I had no desire to do that . So , I had several introductions to things over a period of about 7 years . Some remained longer than others . If you look at the time frame , most of the stuff I did was during my hippie years . Most were more acceptable back then , even if much was illegal . When I reached 21 , I could legally go into a liquor store , but by then it was anti - climaPosted by Elton John did a concert in 1973 at the University of Georgia . He was promoting his LP " Goodbye Yellow Brick Road " . My friend Jimmy offered to take me to UGa on his way to Atlanta , so I could go to the show . When I got there , the only tickets left were General Admission seats for $ 2 each . My seat was behind a column in the balcony . I had to peer around the column to see anything , but just being there was great . Elton had his piano draped in a cloth surrounded by lights , which made it look like the piano glowed . He wore big glasses and had a flashy costume . His band of Nigel , Davey and Dee were great . At the end of the night , he got Gregg Allman to do the encore with him , and they did " Midnight Rider " together . It was a magical night . I saw Elton again in Columbia in 1980 at the Carolina Coliseum . A lot had happened to be since that show 7 years earlier . I was drinking more and doing drugs . I am guessing that the show in 1980 was good . I remember little bits of it , but a lot of marijuana was being passed around , as well as beer . Some guy brought some binoculars , and I got to see Elton and Nigel making faces at one another while they were playing . He was there to promote " Little Jeannie " . I really don 't think a concert is any better when one is stoned or drunk or both . Unless maybe the Grateful Dead , but I never saw them in concert , at least not all of them . I have been to a lot of concerts over my life , and I will discuss them later . I have been drunk , stoned and sober at various shows . I prefer to be sober , because then I can remember the shows better and enjoy the music more . To each his own . |
Good evening everyone . How are you doing this beautiful evening ? My night has been going okay so far . I went this morning to the diagnostics office and had the CT Scan of my stomach hernia which I call my alien baby and will be seeing my doctor on Wednesday to get the results and what the course of action will be . I am concerned as to what it is doing or how they plan to address it . It causes me to have constant nausea , I can 't lay on my stomach without pain , and whenever I eat something it hurts . I can only hope for the best . I have spent the better part of today regrouping myself and getting my goals , deadlines , and schedules revamped for more efficiency . I am taking some of my short stories and compiling them into an e - book as a freebie . I am getting ready to send it to the editor this week and have been doing my first round of editing on it as well . I know some of you may not have gotten a chance to read them on their sites so I am putting the best ones together in a free e - book . I am still working on my book " The Battle for Joshua " and should , fingers crossed , have the first draft done by the end of next week . I get so caught up in the story that chapters become more than ten pages each . I am rather enjoying writing it and look forward to sharing it with everyone . It will be a full - length novel and you should enjoy reading it as it keeps my attention while writing it . Look for it soon , but I will keep you updated . Hello , Everyone . I do apologize for my absence but I have found myself stuck inside the storyline of the book that I am currently writing . When I sit down to begin writing I fall into the story like I am there in it and disappear from reality . Plus , I have found myself adding more to each chapter not to fluff it up but more of the story itself . Currently , the book is a little over twenty - five thousand words and I still have approximately six more chapters to go , so this book will be a full - length novel and can 't wait to release it . I hope everyone who gets it will enjoy it as much as I have writing it . Here is a rough draft teaser of chapter one : It was dark and all you could feel was heat and hearing the screaming of lost souls . Every tunnel seems to go on forever with rooms every one - hundred feet . Within these rooms , there were souls being tormented by demons . Every now and then you would see a demon fleeting past you and even some that seemed to be whispering in your ear in the dark . This was a dismal place to be and with a quick thought a torture chamber . Some of the rooms you could see flames as the floor while souls hung by their hands over it . They 're screaming and pleading for their lives as each demon has a turn at whipping them or dropping them enough to scorch their feet . This was one place no one should be subject to . You can see the souls of the elderly crying as they are shown how their family is being tormented amongst the living . In one of the cave - like rooms sits a small humped over gargoyle - like creature with long , white hair , long claws , and solid black eyes . He looks to be an older demon with facial features of wrinkles and sagging skin . His name is Gusion the discerner of past , present , and future . He sits inside an inverted hexagram on the floor while what looks like meditating . He sits for hours discerning the future of souls and the past of souls arriving in Hades . One could say he is a receiving center for prisoners who arrive and sorts through them to see which prison or fate they should have or be sent to . He makes marks on the floor as he sees , like taking notes . Gusion is one of the demons who report to the king of Hades , Asmodeus , on his findings . Asmodeus is an arch demon and the evilest demon in Hades . He is the king under Lucifer which makes the final decisions of all legions . Almost as a general of armies . He is a large dark - orange skinned beast with red eyes under large black eyebrows . He has large fanged teeth and two spiraled horns that stand straight up from his head . One day , Gusion had a vision of the future . It is so disturbing to him that he becomes restless and agitated . After sitting for a few hours to make sure what he is seeing is true , he gets up and hurries to find Asmodeus . He searches every hole and room looking for the arch demon . He finally finds him in one of the thousand rooms torturing a soul to the extreme . Asmodeus finds pleasure and relaxation while he is tormenting . Gusion hates to disturb him but the information he must give is detrimental to the future of Hades . He stands there for a few minutes watching Asmodeus trying to figure out how to tell him and what kind of reaction he will get off the news . He finally sees that Asmodeus is done with the lost soul and informs him he needs a word with the king . Asmodeus walks out of the room with Gusion on his heels blabbing away of his news . He hears nothing as he walks to his throne room and informs Gusion that he does not listen to matters until he is relaxing on his throne . Gusion agrees and shuts up while following his king . They walk down many tunnels of heat and darkness until coming to the throne room of fire . Once seated on his throne , he calls for his beloved hounds of Hell for some attention . Two very large black dogs with flaming red eyes enter the room and sit at the feet of their master . Asmodeus reaches down and begins petting them before telling Gusion to speak of his concern . Gusion begins trembling as he hesitantly starts talking . He tells Asmodeus of his discerning of the future of Hades . A human child will be born that will have the power to destroy the entrance to Hades and the Abyss forever . It has been shown to him the child and as he reaches sixteen earth years old he will defeat us in battle and close the entrance . With this information , Asmodeus becomes enraged and steps off his throne pacing back and forth . He begins ranting and throwing up of his hands which make his pets tremble and quietly leave the room . He turns to Gusion yelling at him as to why he didn 't say something earlier . Gusion stepping out on a limb informs Asmodeus that he was trying to tell him as they walked through the tunnels . Thinking that Gusion is becoming insubordinate , he wipes his hand against Gusion sending him across the room . Gusion gets up and tries pleading with Asmodeus for mercy . Asmodeus sits back on his throne made of brimstone and begins thinking to himself before asking Gusion where this child will be located . Gusion humbly informs him that his sight does not show locations , only of events that have happened , are happening , and ones that will happen . No location has been shown and the only thing he knows it that the child will be born to a young couple with no Christian beliefs . Asmodeus agrees that this information will make destroying this child easier . It is told that plans must be made to kill the child 's mother before he is born . Locating the family will be difficult but they must be swift before Gabriel and the other angels find out . Asmodeus sends for Vassago to come to him and will give him the job of locating the child 's parents . Vassago is demon prince who discovers things lost or hidden . He will make finding the child quicker . He is a medium - sized gargoyle figure with yellow eyes and the commander of twenty - six legions . He has been under Asmodeus for centuries and always completes his task . Vassago enters the throne room bowing before his king . He asks why his King has sent for him ? He was training his legions for combat , stealth , and deception when called for . Asmodeus informs him that he has a task for him of the greatest importance . He tells Vassago of Gusion 's vision which is very disturbing to all involved . Asmodeus sends Vassago to search out the young couple and to report his findings back to him . Vassago agrees and is sent off to search out the parents on earth . He begins his search from one end of the earth and makes his way across the planet searching for any young couple that is pregnant with the destined child . Meanwhile , Eremiel , who is the great angel that rules over the entrance to Hades and the Abyss , overhears of the plans to search out a child with a great destiny ahead of him . He then sends word to Gabriel , who is a higher angel in the heavens . Gabriel wears a white robe , has curly long blond hair , blue eyes with a long blond beard . He is one of the elders that carries a staff of blessing . Gabriel takes this information and does some research of his own to find out more about this child . He seeks out knowledge from the council as to who this child is or will be . The council debates and looks to the foreseers to explain why this child is important . After much time , they reconvene to inform Gabriel of the destiny of this certain child . That he will be a warrior among angels and the destroyer of evil . Now having found out why Asmodeus wants to kill this child , Gabriel needs to make some tough decisions concerning the welfare of this child . Being that he will be born to atheistic parents , it will be hard to confront them concerning the safety and welfare of their child . If they do not believe in angels or demons , then it will be hard to appear to them and inform them of how important their child will be . Gabriel then calls for Diniel who is a younger but experienced angel on the safety and protection of infants . Diniel comes before Gabriel and listens as he translates the destiny and importance of how this child needs to be protected . Diniel works well with children since they pretty much can see angels and demons because of their purity in spirit . He has a young angelic face , short brown hair , brown eyes , and wears a lavender colored robe . Diniel and Gabriel set down a plan of action to protect the family from any undue harm . The family needs to be protected from demon attacks which could jeopardize the child 's life . Diniel then sets out to search for the parents to put a hedge of protection around them . He is to guard them night and day until the birth of the child . Diniel is aware that Asmodeus has sent Vassago out to find the child as well and that he should be prepared in case of unintentional contact with the demon . Vassago is much stronger than Diniel and he does not want any confrontation with him unless it is necessary . His mission is to find the parents and protect them . Now Diniel and Vassago both are out on the earth searching out a young couple who will have a child of importance . Each is searching high and low , from couple to couple looking for the parents of the special child . The fate of Hades and the Abyss rest in the survival or death of this child . Remember , this is just a first rough draft and I will be adding some more to it and making it the best it can be . I hope it grips your curiosity to read more ? I will be doing the first round of editing this week and revising to specifications . Well , I need to get going before it gets too late . I wish everyone a great night and a blessed day tomorrow . Good morning everyone ! I do apologize for not being here lately , but we had an offer from my cousin to move into her house while working on our own house so that we are not living in a garage . It took us two days to move stuff by car but we are getting it done . We are having to refinish the bedroom floor so that we can move into the bedroom but for now we are sleeping in the livingroom , but WE ARE INDOORS , YAY ! I am still currently working on next book which looks like it will be a full - length novel but will be a freebie to all subscribers to the newsletter . I am actually working on three books at one time which are going to be freebies in three different genres . I am pushing right along . My husband cleaned out a year 's worth of trash from my cousin 's garage in exchange for a 1991 ford explorer which will be our second vehicle that will be used for our nonprofit helping the homeless and needy families . Hello , everyone . It is such a beautiful day outside . It is sunny with some clouds and that is because the wind is blowing the storm clouds in , but it is still beautiful . It sure does beat the cold and freezing temperatures , the rain , and the snow . I am ready for Spring . I didn 't get to bed until around four this morning and my husband woke me up around noon just so he could go back to bed . 🙂 I am sitting here drinking some ice tea because it was too hot and humid when I woke up to drink any coffee . My motivation is picking up a little and I have some projects to complete here today before sitting down comfortably to write . I am feeling pretty good right now and my energy is getting better , still a little congested but it will go away eventually . I am excited about getting some short stories posted today on my blog sites and finishing my note organization to begin writing the second book on Monday . There is just so much research and information going into this second book and that is mostly the reason for it taking so long to begin writing . It will be a novel and not a novella . Today I have a garage to clean out and organize , a tent to straighten up , I need to put some ice and water bottles in the cooler , and a rabbit to feed . 🙂 I guess I should also add cleaning out the car to that list as well . As much as I would just love to sit here and write , I can not resolve to forget about my other responsibilities . When we were living in a house the first thing I did every day after coffee was to clean the house and take care of feeding the dogs before doing anything else . That was my routine because I could not get comfortable until the house was clean and smelling good . I have been up and down all night and finally decided to stay up at 6 : 30 am . I feel pretty good this morning except for the sharp stabbing pain in my left shoulder blade but other than that I am wide awake and ready to start my day . I made some changes to my daily schedule to incorporate more time for book writing as to get more done . So many novels in my mind that it distracts me so I write the ideas down to come back to them later . I will be creating a video later today for my crowdfunding project to assist me with funding for my book expenses since disability doesn 't go a long way . My dream is to get some books published and sold so that I can get off of disability and be able to pay all of our bills . The car is almost fixed now so that we can go over to our house to finish fixing it up so that we can move in and get out of this tent . Our plan is to pay off some debt in order to buy this property , so I need to make some side money for that through my book sales . Well , it is time to get to writing and finishing my first cup of coffee . I wish everyone a blessed day ! Good morning everyone ! Sorry I have not posted in a few days . I have been sick and having anxiety attacks every time I turn around . But I 'm back and full of stories , novels , and hope for a brighter future . I want to thank everyone who has visited my site and enjoyed my short stories . It is a pleasure to write and have it enjoyed by others . So , let me get to work and give you more of me . Have a great day ! It was September two thousand and fourteen in a small town called Acworth which is in the lower part of New Hampshire . It had the population of eight hundred and ninety - one with a total area a little more than thirty - nine square miles . It is so beautiful here and sat just outside of Claremont , New Hampshire . It was almost time for fall and the leaves turning pretty reds , oranges , and yellows . Being September you could smell the scent of fall in the air . The thought of the holidays coming , families getting together , pumpkin pies cooling in the kitchen , and the busiest time of the year for most restaurants . The biggest restaurant in the town had a waitress named Emily who was twenty - eight years old , single , about five foot seven , with blonde wavy hair and green eyes . She was their best waitress and made the most in tips . You couldn 't beat that bubbly personality she carried and was always polite and respectful to the customers . She had been saving up her money to get out of her sister 's house and into her own place . She worked long hours and made quite a few friends with the customers . The restaurant had a lot of regulars who always came in and sat in Emily 's section of the restaurant . If they had a bad day Emily was always their to cheer them up and make them smile . She warmed everyone 's heart and melted the most hardened men who came in . Emily was a great waitress and on this one particular night she was unaware that she would meet her one true love . The one she has been waiting for all her life . Sure Emily has had a couple of boyfriends here and there but none tickled her fancy or was even into the types of things she was . Emily loved hiking , drawing , sunsets , picnics , and her dog Stubborn . That was his name due to him being so hardheaded that he had to have things his way and didn 't care for a lot of her boyfriends . He was a five - year old yellow Labrador and he was her baby . Emily came to work that night and while she was tending tables she noticed a gentleman walk into the restaurant . He was tall and a bit muscular , had dark brown hair and amazingly blue eyes . She noticed he was clean - shaven except for his goatee which was dark and well - trimmed . He was wearing a nice gray suit which made him look very distinguishing . Emily was captivated by him and noticed he was being seated in the section next to hers . She started questioning the waitress who ran that section that night , asking what she knew about him . The waitress looked at her and knew right away that Emily was infatuated with him . She told Emily she would at least get his name . After taking him his coffee and chatting a bit with him , the waitress came back over and told Emily his name was Stephen . Emily smiled and started lightly muttering his name over and over again and lost track of her work . She couldn 't keep her eyes off of him and noticed he would catch a glimpse of her as well . By the time Emily finished her tables and looked over to the next section , she noticed he was gone . She rushed over to the waitress and asked where he went . She told her that he left for the evening but did ask for Emily 's name . The waitress had told him her name and Emily disappointed by his leaving sulked for rest of the night . It isn 't often that a nicely dressed man in a suit dines in her restaurant and she thought she would never see him again . A couple of nights later when it was pretty slow in the restaurant , Emily was in the back doing some cleaning when she heard her named called from out front . As she entered the dining area she looked over and noticed Stephen sitting in her section . She politely went over and offered her services to him . Stephen smiled and asked if she would join him for some coffee . Emily feeling flushed agreed to get him some coffee but with her being on the clock she couldn 't join him . She did however let him know that when she took her break she would come sit with him then . He agreed and patiently waited for her to take her break . While Emily worked she kept noticing him staring at her and made sure he had a full cup of coffee until her break . Once she clocked out and took her break , Emily walked over with a soda in hand and gently sat down with him at his table . They struck up quite a good conversation and telling each other about their hobbies and interests . They both had similar interests and Emily even told him about Stubborn . At the end of Emily 's break he quickly asked her what time she got off and if it would be okay if he met her after work . She agreed to meet up with him and told him to be there at eleven o ' clock . After that he finished his coffee and got up to leave . Standing up and fixing his suit he walked over to the door and looked back at Emily smiling . When she went over to clean his table she noticed he left her a twenty - dollar tip and a note on the napkin thanking her for her conversation during her break . Emily put the money into her apron pocket and placed the napkin against her heart and smiled . She felt so appreciated that night . Emily rushed through her duties so that when eleven o ' clock came she would be ready to leave . She cleaned all of her tables , washed up the dishes , and restocked all the condiments when she looked up and noticed it was eleven o ' clock exactly . She went in the back and clocked out and headed for the door . When she got outside she looked around but never saw Stephen waiting for her . Her heart dropped and there was nearly a tear in her eye when a black Chrysler three hundred pulled up in front of her . The window started down until Emily could see it was Stephen . He looked at her and smiled while her heart melted that he showed up . She got into the car and they drove around for a little bit talking and laughing . Emily had not had so much fun until that night . They parked somewhere secluded and Stephen turned off the ignition . Emily asked if he was alright and Stephen just smiled . He stated that he was tired of driving and just wanted his full attention on her conversation . He was very intrigued by Emily . They sat for what seemed to be hours talking , laughing , and getting to know one another until she remembered Stubborn was at home and probably needed to go out . Emily asked Stephen if he could take her home so she could tend to Stubborn . He politely said of course and started the car . He drove her home and Emily invited him to come in but he politely rejected the offer stating that it was too soon to invade on her privacy . She agreed and thanked him for the conversation and for taking her home . Emily walked up to the steps and looked back watching Stephen drive off before being met at the door by Stubborn . Emily couldn 't get into the door and grab his leash before Stubborn ran out the front door almost knocking her over . She grabbed his leash and ran after him to find him hiking his leg on her rose bushes . She attached him to his leash and he started to run pulling her with him as he made his way around the yard pacing back and forth looking for a place to do his business . Once he was done doing his business he made his way back to the front door and inside before Emily released the leash from her hand . She waited until he got settled before attempting to take off his leash . Emily went into the kitchen and grabbed a scoop of his favorite dog food and placed it in his dish . Stubborn heard the rattling of the dog food bag and came running , sliding across the floor and passing up his dish before stopping to return to it . She watched smiling as her faithful dog mauled his food before retiring to her room where she got changed for bed . Emily climbed into bed and covered up before Stubborn came in and jumped on the bed laying next to her . She fell asleep smiling with the thought of Stephen in her mind and petting her lovable dog . The next morning . Emily woke up and went to the front porch to pick up her newspaper where she found a dozen , long - stemmed red roses with a note thanking her for last night . She picked them up and put them to her nose smelling the aromatic scent that reminded her of her time spent with Stephen the night before . She nonchalantly walked back inside and carefully put them in a vase that was given to her by her mother who passed away a few years back . Arranging them , Emily placed the vase of red roses in the middle of her dining room table where she could look upon them as she had her coffee and read the newspaper . Soon it was time to take Stubborn for his walk before Emily had to get ready for work . She grabbed the leash and here came Stubborn running and almost pouncing on her excited to go for his walk . She attached the leash and they headed out the door heading for his favorite park . You could say that they walked to the park but really Stubborn pretty much drug her to the park . Once there , they walked around and he hiked his leg to almost everything and did his business a few times before it was time to go . Stubborn didn 't want to leave when a couple of female dogs entered the park . Emily did all she could to pull him from the park and head home . Once getting home and inside , Emily unleashed Stubborn and went to her bedroom to get changed for work . She was still smiling and feeling flushed with the thoughts of Stephen in her mind . She jumped into the shower and got herself clean before putting her waitress uniform on . Then , noticing the time , she hurried to put her shoes on , kissed Stubborn , and out the door she went . She only lived a few streets over from the restaurant , but it seemed to take forever to get there on some days . Upon arriving at the restaurant , Emily noticed that business was booming this evening . She hurried inside and clocked in to find Stephen sitting in her section reading the menu . One of the waitresses came over to Emily and told her that he specifically requested to be seated in Emily 's section . Emily checked her hair and grabbed a pad and walked over to him asking if he was ready to order . He looked up at her with those blue eyes and smiled while placing his order . Emily thanked him for the roses while taking his order to the cook . After taking his order to him and asking him if he needed anything else , Stephen asked her again if she was free after work . Emily looked at him almost confused when he stated that he wanted to get to know her better since he enjoyed her conversation so much the night before . Emily was flattered and agreed to meet him again after work . After doing her cleaning and restocking , Emily sat down to count her tips when she looked up to see Stephen standing at the door . She grabbed her money and stuffed it into her pockets including another twenty - dollar tip from Stephen . She got up and walked over to the door and told him she will be right there . Emily turned around and headed for the back of the restaurant where she clocked out and got her coat . She met Stephen outside and this time he suggested they go for a walk to which Emily agreed . As they walked Emily could feel the chill of the night air . Stephen noticing and taking off his jacket and wrapping it around her . They came across an all night movie theater where they decided to get in from the cold night and watch a movie . After the movie and two buckets of popcorn , Stephen decided to walk Emily home . He walked her to the door at the top of the steps and noticed this Labrador staring out the window , it was Stubborn . Emily knew she had to get him out to do his business so she asked Stephen to stay on the porch and out - of - the - way of the door . Emily walked in and grabbed Stubborn 's leash and was able to get it on him before he shot out the front door . Stephen watched as the dog took Emily for a walk hiking his leg to almost everything he came into contact with before running towards Stephen . Emily announced that he was coming and for Stephen to brace himself . Stubborn ran right up to Stephen and did the most odd thing to Emily . Stubborn actually sat down and let Stephen pet him and he gave a few licks to Stephen 's face . At that moment he was this lovable dog to a man and Emily had never seen this in him . Stubborn hated all men no matter who they were , even the pizza man got knocked down delivering my pizza . There it was Stephen and Stubborn getting along with each other which brought tears to Emily 's eyes . From that moment on Emily knew that this was the man she needed to be with . After spending some time with Stubborn outside , Emily asked Stephen again if he would like to come in . To her surprise he agreed to come in . They walked in and into the living room with Stubborn right behind them . Stephen sat down on the couch as Emily went to make some hot tea for the two of them . When she returned there was Stephen on the couch with Stubborn laying across his lap . Emily just chuckled a little and then apologized for his behavior . Stephen told her it was alright that he loved dogs , but just didn 't have one of his own . Emily was amazed how everything was going . It was as if she hung on to every word Stephen spoke . Their eyes gazing at each other and the little whimsical laughs . To Emily this was everything she could have possibly wanted in a man . After hours of talking , laughing , and playing with Stubborn , it was getting late so Stephen bid hid goodbye and placed a kiss on Emily 's cheek . She walked him to the door and after a soft goodbye from her lips , they met his . His hands caressing the sides of her face while kissing her soft lips . Emily felt chills run down her spine that made her tremble . As his lips parted hers their eyes met and for the first time in Emily 's life she exhaled slowly from his kiss . This was the night for Emily to remember always . Stephen slowly walked out the door and bid her a good night . The next morning , Emily 's sister Carly came into the kitchen for coffee and noticed that Emily was in a daze . She asked Emily if she was okay and Emily just shook her head smiling . Carly was now intrigued with what was up with Emily . They sat down together and over coffee Emily told her of Stephen . Carly was now on the edge of her chair with excitement of who this man could be that puts Emily in such a flutter . Emily knew in her heart this was the man she should spend her life with . Later that day , which was Emily 's day off , the telephone rang and Carly answered it . She heard this man on the line who politely asked to speak to her sister Emily . Carly wanted to ask some questions but knew that it wasn 't her place to pry into Emily 's love life , so she called for Emily announcing that she had a phone call . Emily was just stepping out of a hot shower and wrapped in a towel to go answer the phone . When she answered and heard his voice , Emily felt those same chills that made her tremble . Stephen was asking her out yet again . Now Emily was wondering what the catch was that this man wanted to see her almost every night , so she agreed to go out with him . This time Carly made herself available to meet this mystery man who wants to date her sister . Emily was getting ready upstairs when the doorbell rang . Carly got up to answer the door but Stubborn beat her to it . As she opened the door Stubborn was trying to get outside to meet his new friend . Once opened there was Stephen kneeling down to greet Stubborn with a few good pats asking where his mommy was . As Stephen stood up Carly met his entrancing blue eyes and told him Emily would be down in a few minutes . She asked him inside and told him to make himself to home while waiting for Emily to get ready . Stephen went over to the couch with Stubborn on his heels . He sat down and Stubborn jumped up on the couch and sat right beside Stephen . He could feel the hot sweaty breath of Stubborn who sat panting in his ear , so he wrapped his arm around Stubborn and started petting him profusely . While Stephen was hanging out with Stephen , Emily was met at the base of the stairs by Carly . Carly looked her deep into her eyes and told her that Stephen was a keeper and to hold onto him . Emily just smiled as she walked into the room where Stephen and Stubborn were sharing some quality time together . Stephen stood up and kissed Emily 's cheek as he grabbed her hand . He knelt down onto one knee and brought out this extravagant one carat diamond ring . He looked up at her and stated that they have only known each other a few days but that he believed in love at first sight . Emily was awe - struck by the ring and the fact that Stephen was proposing to her after only a few dates . Stephen stated that he loved her and couldn 't stop thinking about her . He was willing to share his whole life with her if she was willing to give him a chance . Emily was in shock and Carly standing right behind her nudging her to go for it . Emily melted , smiled , and said yes to Stephen 's proposal . That made Stephen a very happy man , so happy that he swooped her up into his arms and planted the most sensual kiss on her lips . She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him right back . Carly standing there with Stubborn in tears of joy that her baby sister was getting married . After putting Emily back onto her feet , she turned and met Carly with tears and a big hug . Once she stopped crying for a minute , Emily told her that she had to help her start planning a wedding , but Stephen intervened by saying that he wanted to get married right away so they could begin their lives together . Emily agreed and made arrangements to go to the courthouse and get married in front of the justice of the peace . Once the girls were dressed and ready to go , they both followed Stephen out the door and down to his car which was parked out front . Stephen then opened the doors for both ladies because he was such a gentleman and then helped them inside . He ran around to the other side and opened the door to get in . He started the car and they were off to see the justice of the peace . Once at the courthouse , both girls went into the bathroom to check their hair and makeup before proceeding . They met Stephen at the door of the justice of the peace and proceeded to enter together . There they were in love and wanting to make it official . Carly stood next to her sister in tears of joy for the happy couple . Once the ceremony was finished and the justice of the peace announced you may kiss your bride , Stephen turned to Emily and told her thank you for making him the happiest man on earth before sensually kissing her lips . They had finally done it and were very happy with their decision . Stephen escorted both ladies back to his car and drove back to Emily 's house to get a change of clothing and to drop off Emily 's sister Carly . Once Emily was ready with a suitcase in hand , the two then proceeded to walk out the door and back to Stephen 's car to start their new life together . Emily turned back to Carly and asked her to please take care of Stubborn for her until she returns which Carly happily agreed too . Stephen and Emily were off to start their life together and first it would be a short but romantic honeymoon . They went to Claremont , New Hampshire to a nice hotel and got a room . Stephen went inside , paid for their room , and then came back out to swoop up his bride and carried Emily to their room . Once inside , Stephen pulled Emily close to him and kissed her ever so gently . His hands caressing her body as his lips adored hers . Emily then said she needed to get a shower and cleaned up for their romantic night . Stephen decided to take advantage of her shower by going to a nearby store to get some snacks and refreshments , so he kissed his new bride and told her he would be back soon as he walked out of the door . Emily had taken a long hot shower while admiring her wedding ring . She couldn 't believe it , she finally got married . She was so happy that she began to cry tears of joy again . When she composed herself , she stepped out of the shower to towel off and get dressed . She noticed that Stephen had been gone a lot longer than expected and started to worry a bit . After putting her clothes on she went and stood by the window watching for Stephen to appear . Emily wasn 't standing there long when she heard the sirens of police cars and an ambulance about a block away . She couldn 't see anything but was still worried about Stephen . After about fifteen minutes and still no Stephen , she went outside to occupy her mind to see what had happened a block away . As she got to the street , she saw a couple of police cars and not one but two ambulances . She noticed that there had been a car accident and noticed how one of the cars looked like Stephens . She started to panic and wander closer to the scene . There he was , laying on the ground with a blanket covering his body and paramedics on their way over to him . Emily started screaming and panicking while running over to her new husband . The police officers had stopped her trying to get to him so the paramedics could help him . She looked over their shoulders crying out to him while they held her back . She watched as they picked him up on a stretcher and took him to one of the nearby ambulances . She followed them while looking over to the other person who was driving the other car . He seemed to be intoxicated but showed no remorse for what he caused . The police officers had told Emily that her husband was struck by another car with a driver who was highly intoxicated and they needed to rush him to the hospital . The paramedics allowed her to ride with her husband to the hospital . Once at the hospital , they took Stephen into the trauma bay where Emily wasn 't allowed to go . As Emily cried she made it to a phone to call Carly to meet her at the hospital . Carly was on her way to be at her sister 's side . Emily still in shock as she paced back and forth down the hallway when Carly rushed in . Emily collapsed into Carly 's arms crying out that Stephen can 't die . Carly held her and kept telling her it was going to be alright . Stephen would pull through Carly kept saying while staring through the door window where they worked on Stephen 's injuries . After hours of waiting and crying , a doctor finally came out to the girls and informed Emily that her husband had slipped into a coma . Emily then collapsed once more to the floor crying for her husband . Carly right there with her for comfort . The two girls could not believe what had happened and the doctor informed them that they were moving him to a private room where they could sit with him . Carly helped Emily to her feet as they followed the nurse to his room where she immediately went to his bedside and clutched his hand inside hers . The tears fell down her cheeks as she looked down upon her husband 's lifeless body . Emily looked at Carly and asked why did this have to happen . Carly had no answers for her . They had not even been married for twenty - four hours before he ended up in a coma . Life support was the only thing keeping him alive . His body was giving up on him from enduring so much trauma . Day after day , night after night , Emily sat at his bedside reading and talking to him . Emily holds up a picture of Stubborn and tells Stephen that Stubborn misses him and wants him to wake up and come home . Stephen lays their lifeless and still . Emily stays by his side and holds his hand every waking moment just to be with him . The doctor informed Emily that it is good to talk to him and that he could possibly hear her voice . She never gave up on him and believed with her whole heart that he will come back and open his eyes . Carly would bring her sister food because she refused to leave his side even to eat . Carly was starting to worry for her sister . Fourteen days had passed and the doctors informed Emily she would have to make the decision to take him off life support . Stephen was at the point where he now had no brain activity and was virtually brain - dead . With this news Emily collapsed again crying and grabbing his hand harder , but she knew it would not help him anymore . Emily would have to accept the fact that Stephen was not coming back to her . She turned to Carly asking for her help in making this decision . Carly told Emily it was for the best to let him go in peace . Emily refused for days to give up on Stephen but finally came to the realization that he was in fact already gone and would not return . She called the doctors in and told them she was ready to sign the papers . The nurse brought them in and handed them to Emily who was crying tears all over the paperwork . Finally she signed her name on the dotted line taking her husband off life support . After about fifteen minutes the nurses came in to turn off the machines with Emily holding her husband 's hand crying . They turned off the machines and pulled the breathing tube from his mouth and Emily heard his heart beating on its own . She leaned down to kiss his lips and felt his lips twitch as if kissing her back before the noise of his heart flat lining . Stephen was gone and Carly there to take her sister home . The funeral was sweet and Emily did not know how well liked Stephen was or how many friends he had until that day . She put his body into the ground with Stubborn leashed and at her side . Tears running down both girls faces as they say their last goodbye . Emily went home and refused to see anyone or go to work because of her mourning and grief . Carly started to worry about her as Emily would not even speak to her own sister for days on end . A few days after the funeral , a knock came to the door . It was a man in a brown suit with a black briefcase looking for Emily . Carly went upstairs to get Emily and bring her back down . They sat on the couch and the gentleman asked Emily to sign some papers . When Emily asked what this was all about , the gentleman answered her saying that Stephen had signed over his estate , belongings , and an insurance policy of one million dollars . When Emily asked how this could happen when he was in a coma the day we were married . The gentleman answered her by saying that this was all taken care of that morning of his marriage proposal to which he was already aware of . Emily looked at Carly and then back down to the papers where she was now worth four and a half million dollars . Carly was excited for her sister but Emily wasn 't as excited . She looked at her sister and stated that all the money in the world would not amount to that last kiss . My name is Brandi Payne and I have created this blog to announce my new endeavor of becoming a published author . I am 46 years old and I have plenty of books and stories inside my head . I am creating this blog to build my platform and to get feedback on my writings . I would love to share with the world all of the adventures that are just sitting here waiting to meet you . I have already written a children 's picture book for which I have submitted to Literary Agents for representation . I will be posting some of my writings as well as short stories here for you to read and please comment on . I love the feedback and it would help to make me a better writer . Should you have any ideas for a book please submit those in your comments . I have had experience in blog writing for previous employers and also storytelling . Please share your thoughts and enjoy my writing . |
cheating , exhibitionism , first times , masturbation , pussy licking , shaving , slut wifeMy name is Karla and I 'm thirty years old and in my second marriage . My new husband David is purchasing a larger sailboat . We intend to do some cruising and he has a lot of free time and we would perhaps go on some lengthy trips . I had never learned to swim and at my age found myself enrolled in swimming lessons . I 'm fine with boats just never learned to swim . The idea is for me to learn at least enough to save myself and the fact I love water helps make it interesting for me . I was going three times per week to the club where David had a membership that offered afternoon classes and it was sort of nice that most of the people there were ladies . They were almost all much older then me but I knew a lot of them from the various clubs so I was comfortable . I had bought a couple of semi bikini two piece bathing suits . I modelled them in front of the mirror when I got home and didn 't really care for what first hit my eyes . I have long black hair past my shoulders and of course I have the same below and just a little too much of it was poking out around the edges of that narrow strip style of bottom . I decided to take care of that right away as my lessons started the next day . I went in the shower and let the water run on me as I soaped my tummy and pubic area until the jet black hair was laying down and almost looked like ringlets . I got a good lather with some soft lotion soap that would be easy on my skin . I took the razor that I use under my arms , clicked a new blade in it and started around the outer edges . I trimmed from the outside in until it was smooth and there was only a strip left . I shaved between my legs all the way along and worked at getting it even . I was left with a trimmed strip that barely even covered the centre part of my private area . I turned on the water and used the hand held to flush the bits of hair down the drain and then turned the warm spray on me and rinsed myself . I was a bit tender with slight razor bu ( more … ) at work , BDSM , cum eaters , domination , exhibitionism , masturbationSurprisingly one of my most interesting sexual experiences began with a sales competition at work . Three months prior to the experience I am about to share we set up a new sales team at our office comprised of three women . Up until that point my co - worker Matt and I had done all of the outside sales for the regional office of a large computer systems company . The new team , who we referred to as the girls , included Lisa , Marie and Jennifer . They are all in their early 30 's , unattached and are really cool . They all had a great attitude and worked hard and played hard . Each of them had some industry experience ; they got along like life - long buddies and were proving to be quite a good sales team . Although as far as Matt and I were concerned they couldn 't hold a candle to us . In January the company set up a little competition between our team and the girls ' team . Besides a nice bonus , the winners would get a trip to Jamaica . The competition would last for a quarter and even though the girls had us out numbered we felt we had a sure thing . We had the major accounts and knew the market . By the end of the first week in March we were $ 200 , 000 ahead of the girls and decided to invite them to happy hour to gloat a bit . We grabbed a big booth at a bar near the office and when the waitress arrived Matt and I ordered a beer . Lisa said , " Yes beers all around and 5 shots of tequila . " After our third round of beers and shots the girls were getting pretty rowdy and we were doing a good job of rubbing in our $ 200K lead . Then Jennifer stood up and said , " big deal , we 're going to kick your ass . " " Yeh right , " I responded . " Ok big guy , " said Marie " let 's sweeten the pot … if we win , you two guys will be our slaves for an evening , if you win we 're yours . " Matt and I were both dumb struck . " What 's the matter super salesmen , cat got your tongue ? " said Jennifer . I looked at Matt and said , " they 're nuts , " then I turned to the girls and to ( more … ) exhibitionism , fingers , first times , fucking , outdoorsLisa had always been the shy type , the kind who would rather sit at home with a good book or video than go out on a Friday night . The kind that was never prone to being spontaneous of taking more chances than was absolutely necessary in life . And so as she walked down the nude beach , towel in hand , minus all of her clothes , feeling very vulnerable , she wondered what on earth gave her such an idea in the first place . This was the most daring thing she had done since high school , and had only decided to visit this nude beach on her holiday after her best friend gave her a lecture on how she should do more to try an enjoy life , and take a few chances instead of sitting at home on her computer all day , or visiting her local library or sci - fi club . However , walking down this beach filled with people wearing only their birthday suits , and noticing the glares of men who were finding it hard to keep their bodies under control after seeing her beautiful figure , she had stretched her nerves to the very limit , and she quickly made her way to the south end of the beach and past the rock cliffs , where she had been told by her friend Kelly that few people went , and that Lisa would be safe there is she was feeling too threatened . She found a spot in the sand under the shade of a rock formation , and settled down on her beach towel with a good book after making sure every inch of her fair skin was well covered with sunscreen . The last thing she wanted was sunburn , especially on her breasts , which she thought would be quite unpleasant , and was not about to find out how it felt for herself . She stretched out her legs and wiggled the sand out from between her toes , taking a final look around to make sure no one was near before she allowed herself to relax in her naked form . Lisa hated to admit to herself that the sensation of wearing nothing in a public place was exciting her very much , and she couldn 't help the fact that her nipples were stiffening , and every now and again when a c ( more … ) Big tits , blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , exhibitionism , slut wifeOne night , when my wife Peggy and I were making out and she had my cock in her hand and I played with her clit , she asked me about my buddies , the guys I played basketball with . They always make a big deal about her breasts whenever she comes to the games , or goes out with us afterward for beers . They tease her unmercifully . " Do they act like that with every girl ? " she asked , trying not to be too curious . " No , " I said . " They just go nuts over your boobs . They 're always asking what they 're like and stuff . " " Really ? " she said , her hand quickening on my cock . " Why ? " I asked . She blushed and hid her face against my chest . " I have this fantasy sometimes … " " Tell me . " " I go to the game and then afterwards , you guys take me someplace and I get drunk and you make me strip in front of your friends … and they masturbate while they look at my breasts . " The thought of her flashing those fabulous jugs in front of my buddies did give me kind of thrill . I knew the guys would go nuts if something like that happened . And the more I thought about it , the more it turned me on . I knew it would give her a thrill to show off her tits like that and I 'd been bragging for a long time how great they were to my buddies . Hmmm . About a week later , we had another game at the park and we won by a couple of points . Afterward , since it was Al 's birthday , we went to his house to celebrate . Peggy went with us , of course and Al made a pitcher of " Zombies " for everybody . It wasn 't long before we were all feeling pretty good , especially Peggy , who never drinks much . Somehow she had managed to down two of those damn things and was fairly plastered . You can always tell when my wife is drunk , she gets this " fuck me " look in her eyes that drives guys nuts . We were still wearing our shorts and t - shirts which by now we 're pretty rank so we ditched the shirts . As the evening wore on , somebody , Al , I think wanted a picture of the team wearing just thei ( more … ) anal sex , big black cocks , bisexual , blowjobs , cuckold , cum eaters , exhibitionism , Fetish , groupsex , pussy licking , slut wife , swingersI 'm a shy , introvert , smaller - than - average endowed husband with a beautiful , extrovert , larger - than - average busted wife . We had fantasized for years about bringing other people into our sex life before we actually took the plunge . We decided that we would attend a swingers club in a neighboring town that a friend of Shelley 's had told her about . When we arrived at the club , the host introduced himself as Leo , a Latin looking guy wearing shorts and a muscle shirt . Leo immediately ignored me and , grabbing Cynthia by the arm , gave her the grand tour of the premises while I followed along behind . We walked down a corridor to a door marked " Gang - Bang Room " . The floor was upholstered and looked like one large mattress . There were also several raised benches , a circular bench in the center and mirrors on the ceiling . " Every Friday night is gang - bang night " , said Leo . " We allow single guys in and they , along with several of our male staff , show a lucky gal the time of her life . " " We 're more interested in swinging with another couple " I said . Leo shrugged and we went back into the corridor . He then showed us through another door with a large sign on it that read " Hot Wife Room " . The room had gray stone walls , high ceilings , and a large round red cushioned bench centered between two large mirrors . There were doors on each side of the mirrors but he did not offer to show us what was behind them . He explained that we were in luck that since it was Saturday , it was " Hot Wife Night " and looking at Cynthia he said that he hoped to see us later . He then pointed us to the locker room and told us to shower and put on the robes that we would find in each locker . Cynthia looked at me and asked if I was sure that I wanted to go through with this . I responded that I would if she would and gave her a quick kiss . With that she went into the Ladies locker room and I went into the M ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionism , first times , groupsex , slut wifeMy name is Randy , my wife is Jill . This story is how we made our lives exciting and probably saved our marriage . We had been married almost 8 yrs now and our sex life was dull at best . Jill was not very open about sex and sometimes she even acted as if it were dirty and disgusting . When I tried to talk about it and give her ideas , to get her to open up a bit , she would get mad and accuse me of not loving her the way she was . One day she was shopping at the mall and she saw a young woman being followed be several young men . She noticed that every now and then , the girl would stop and bend over or raise a leg or stretch across something . When she did this it would expose the slit between her legs . My wife , being just a little naive , confronted the young lady and said , " every time you bend over , your female parts are being exposed to all . " The young girl replied , " That is the whole idea . " Jill was astonished and asked , " What do you mean , you are doing that on purpose . " The girl responded , " It makes me hot to know other men are looking at me . " Jill just stood there for a few minutes and thought about it . At first she thought , how can anyone be turned on by something like that ? But as she was thinking about it she felt her pussy starting to get wet as it started to throb . Not something she was familiar with . Now Jill was a very attractive woman in her mid thirties . She was tall with very long legs . Her breasts were large and shapely . Her only problem was she was so conservative about her body . Even though she kept her body hidden she still turned a lot of heads . Jill started following this girl around the mall and watched . The more she watched the hotter she became . She found herself getting so worked up watching the young men watched the girl expose herself , that she had to leave and go home . Luckily for me I was home when she arrived . She had hardly set her purse down when she said , " I want you to fuck me right now " and she headed to the ( more … ) cheating , cum eaters , exhibitionism , first times , slut wifeI have to share this experience . I have always been turned on by the idea of wife sharing . My wife is very cute and small , and for some reason I am turned on when men give her that look . We expected these thoughts and ideas to remain fantasy . Tabbi was asked to dance once at a bachelor party . She of course refused , but I think it flattered her . She certainly made me hard when she told me about the proposal . We have teased with the idea since , but she always said that she could not do anything like that . Older men around the yacht club are always flirting with her . She dismisses this as cute and flattering . They are always polite and respectful as they shoot compliments at her . She thinks they are only only being nice . This is true , but she does not know about a particular serious offer from one older gentleman in his early sixties . He offered a nice sum if she would simply spend a little time on his boat and entertain him privately . He only wanted her parading around in a swimsuit for a little while . I wanted her to do it for free , but I did not expect her to do it . She was always too modest publicly . She is thirty years old , five feet , and 101 pounds . Therefore , everyone thinks she is even younger . Her bottom has a great shape that anyone can 't help but to notice . She keeps her toes perfectly painted and her pussy almost completely shaved during the summer . This makes swimsuits say you need to fuck me . Other than a little fantasy about what if she had danced at the bachelor party , I always assumed that she would never go through with anything sexual outside of our marriage except maybe a little teasing . She has teased a little when she was in the mood , but I never say any indications that she would ever do anything moreShe enjoys posing for me to take sexy pictures . These were usually tasteful nudes and never pornographic . We finally decided to have a professional photographer do a shoot with her in our home . I was a little surprised but extremely excited ( more … ) blowjobs , exhibitionism , first times , fucking , groupsexI had heard stories about secret , underground parties held at a house off campus . Supposedly , they were the wildest parties you could imagine . According to the rumors , there was all kinds of crazy stuff going on there . I was very curious to find out first hand . One day I heard through the grapevine that one of these parties was going down that weekend . I had to be there ! The only problem was I had no idea if it was true , or if they 'd even let strangers in . Well , I figured there was only one way to find out . I decided I 'd have the best chance to get in if I looked sexy . I put on my tightest pair of jeans . They were cut so low that you 'd be able to see my pubic hair if I didn 't shave myself nearly bald . I also wore a tight , skimpy tank top that barely held my braless 36C breasts . If I bent over , they just about spilled out the top . I finished my hair and makeup and looked in the mirror . I thought I looked damn good . Good enough that any guy would probably let me into the party . I got to the house and saw a few cars . The driveway was long , and the house was set back from the road , so I couldn 't see what was going on . As I walked up the driveway I heard music playing and figured it was the right place . I was a little nervous , but went and knocked on the door anyway , not sure what I 'd say when it was answered . " Damn , hello sexy ! " said the handsome guy that quickly opened the door and stepped outside closing it behind him as he checked out my body , obviously focusing on my breasts . He was tall , probably 6 ' 2 ″ or so and looked like he had a great body . His facial features were incredible . He had a strong jaw line , great lips , and beautiful blue eyes . And he had very trendy , longish shaggy hair . " Hello sexy yourself , " I answered . " So you want to get into our party ? " he asked " Absolutely , " I smiled . " I hear they 're the best parties around campus ! " " Yeah , they definitely are , " he laughed . " But do you know what our parties are like ? " " W ( more … ) anal sex , cheating , exhibitionism , familyWe had been in and out of the pool most of the day , and Andre , Elizabeth 's boyfriend , and I were relaxing in the hot tub . Mom had taken the kids earlier to play miniature golf , and were not due back for a couple of hours still . My husband Michael and Elizabeth came out onto the patio , having changed out of their bathing suits . " How does pizza sound ? " asked Michael . " Good by me ! " said Andre enthusiastically . " Alright then . I 'm not familiar with this area , so Beth is going to come with me . Anything else we need to get while we are out ? " " More beer ! " Andre said again , with a smile . " I want some more Diet Coke , " I said , " and mushrooms on my pizza . " We called out a few more things , and the two of them left . Andre hopped out and walked over to the cooler , picking out fresh soda and asked if I wanted one , which I did . I watched his wet suit cling to his bum as he leaned over the cooler and for a minute fantasized about seeing him naked . Beth had told me a number of times about was sex with him was like , and I was envious . Michael is great , but we 've been together for 15 years now , and things have settled into their ways . As Andre headed back to the hot tub , I caught myself staring at the suit that clung to his manhood and wondered what it would be like fully erect and in my hand . My nipples grew erect through the thin fabric of my light blue one piece , and I considered slipping lower in the water to hide them , but decided to let Andre see them . He put the drinks down on the edge of the tub and slipped in , moving to the other side of me and sitting down on the little bench , our hips touching . He reached across me for his drink , his hand and forearm sliding across my ample breasts ( all 40DD of them ) and he definitely felt my hard nips running along his arm . As he drew his arm back , he pretended ( badly I should add ) to twist to look at something over his shoulder , purposely pressing his arm harder into my breasts as he did so . I let it go , letting him have the ( more … ) cheating , exhibitionism , public sex , slut wifeI woke with the sun shining through my bedroom window and smiled . My wife , Hayley and I had discussed going to Cobbler 's , our favourite nude beach , that day , but a weather report the night before had said it might rain . It was , however , ' perfect beach weather ' , as they say . Hayley was already up . I got up too and walked downstairs to the bathroom . Hayley was in there having a shower . I walked in and had a piss , then turned to watch her . Hayley and I have been married for three years . One of the first things that had attracted me to her was that she was , like me , an exhibitionist ( in fact , on the night that I met her in a bar , I had been watching her dancing when I saw that she had let her blouse fall open so that her tits were hanging out ) . She loved posing for nude photos ( some of which I had posted on the net ) and when I told her that I liked going to nude beaches , she told me she had never been to one but was keen to see what it was like . She loved it , of course . Hayley is 32 years old , and while I 'm biased , I think she 's gorgeous . She has long , red hair , a wide , sensuous mouth , blue eyes and pale skin dusted with freckles on her face , arms , legs and the top of her chest . She is of slender build , but has large , slightly pendulous breasts with pale pink nipples . Her pussy is naturally covered with a mass of curly red pubes , but she usually has it shaved , especially when she plans on going nude in public , so that her slit can be more easily seen . Hayley had just finished washing her hair . " Don 't forget to shave , " I said . " You want to do the honors ? " she asked . " My pleasure , " I said , picking up my razor from beside the washbasin . Hayley stood with one foot on the raised side of the shower , and rubbed a bar of soap over her crotch . I knelt down in front of her . There was about a week 's growth of red stubble on it which I carefully shaved away , pressing my thumb over her slit towards the end of the operations so as not to cut her puffy labia . When sh ( more … ) anal sex , blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionism , fucking , outdoors , public sex , pussy licking , slut wifeLast month my wife and I had the most exhilarating sexual experience of our marriage . The couple next door and invited us and one of my co - workers to a day on their new pontoon boat on a large lake near our North Carolina home . The neighbors , Ted and Susan , had meet Craig my co - worker and his wife Lacie at one of our backyard barbeques and us three couple hit it off quite well . Theresa and I , as well as Ted and Susan , are in our early forties , both with two kids each , while Craig and Lacie are about ten years younger and childless . Theresa and Susan are both about the same size , and though heavier than in their youth , both are still well proportioned and still quite attractive ; the good looking MILF of legend . Theresa is 5 ' 4 ″ , about 135 # , and wears a very full 34C bra . Both women wear the hair just off their shoulders in fashionable but practical hair cuts . Lacie , having not bore any children , still had her youthful figure ; about 5 ' 5 ″ and maybe 110 # . Her breasts looked to be more of a perky 34B and it was all capped by the most angelic face to grace an adult woman . Craig had confided to me that is was all show ; there was nothing angelic about Lacie . We met at the lake and after bringing our supplies aboard off we went . The lake is very large man - made and because it is used as an area water supple there are no homes along the shoreline . It is especially irregular in shape with many coves and bays all surrounded by forest . The plan was to cruise for awhile and then find an unoccupied cove for swimming and a cookout on the party boat 's built in gas grill . As we cruised in and out of the various inlets , we three guys hung to the back of the boat under the roof that covered the rear section of the boat and the ladies went to the front to catch the sun on the uncovered part . As we started off we stripped down to our swim suits . Ted and I in our boxer type and Craig , after some kidding by Lacie , took his shorts off ( more … ) exhibitionism , public sex , slut wife " You asked for it you little cum slut , " he growled in my ear , pulling me back by the hair , pushing himself hard into me . He was right . No doubt . Once again I had brought it all on myself . It started innocently enough . Dress shopping . I am sitting on the fundraising committee for the symphony . Chair this year actually , and he is quite proud of me . But it has been a lot of work . Our final event of the season is coming up soon and I need the perfect dress since I will be recognized . I know that how I present myself at these events is a direct reflection on him so I do try hard . So he agreed to go dress shopping with me to pick the perfect dress . We were in a little upscale boutique downtown with a few dresses to try on when I picked up a slinky little number , something I would never wear . Black silk cut down to the belly button with a few rhinestones and a slit almost to the hip . Very sexy . Very revealing . I held it in front of me and sashayed in front of him provocatively , teasing . " What do you think ? " I asked with a grin . He frowned . " Oh , come on , " I said moving to him , tilting my head up towards him bringing my lips dangerously close to his hear , purring in a sultry voice . " You don 't want the world to see what a little slut your wife can be ? " anal sex , blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , exhibitionism , groupsex , slut wifeI found her cum stained panties in the dirty laundry . They were still wet and gooey , and that could only mean one thing . My wife had fucked my younger brother . They were at the store buying supplies for the weekend and had just returned . She must have ditched the panties in the hamper when she went to pee . I don 't really blame my brother . After all , my wife is 105 pounds of pure sex poured into a 5 ' 2 ″ frame . Her tits stretch the limits of the T - shirts and halters she wears and are firm enough to hold their shape nicely when she goes braless . She has a small waist and full hips with strong but shapely thighs and an ass to die for . In a pair of tight shorts and a low cut halter Joanne is a walking wet dream . It is not just her body that is sexy . She has curly blond hair that falls over her shoulders , green eyes with long lashes , high cheekbones , full lips , white teeth and a small upturned nose . She loves to flirt and has a natural " I want to fuck " look in her eyes . My bother , being only 18 , did not have a chance . I can visualize how it must have happened . Joanne pulled off the road after flirting shamelessly until he was drooling with lust for her hot body . She had on the same sexy short skirt and tight top that she wore to work . She climbed into his lap and told him how she needed his cock inside her that very second or she was going to die . She often used the same words with me . She didn 't even take off her panties . I knew Joanne was a sexual powder keg when we married , but I was willing to take the risk . She was by far the hottest fuck I had ever experienced , and that included some pretty wild parties in college . I knew I couldn 't keep her caged , but figured that what I didn 't know wouldn 't hurt me as long as she really loved me . She would be discreet . Finding her cum stained panties was a revelation . I was so turned on by the thought of Joanne riding my brother 's cock that I fucked her three times that night and once the nex ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionism , fingers , groupsex , slut wifeShe was hurrying around to put the finishing touches on the house . She had only a couple hours more ' til her husband would be home and he would expect all to be in readiness . It would be even more than he expected . Quickly glancing around to be sure she hadn 't forgotten to do anything , she grabbed her purse and dashed out the door , jumping in her car and heading for downtown . So little time , so much to do . She first stopped at the costume shop and collected the costume she had reserved earlier by phone , examining it to be sure that everything was there … every little detail must be perfect . It was just what she had asked for , even to the little lacy cap to perch on her short hair . Then she headed to the supermarket and picked up the beer her husband had requested and some snack and dip ingredients . Next the liquor store next door to purchase bourbon and scotch for those who might want them and a bottle of HER favorite red wine . Once safely back in the house with her purchases properly stowed away , she went to the bedroom and started the water running for a lovely bath … just enough time to make herself beautiful before her husband arrived . After relaxing for a few minutes in the warm water to which she had added her favorite herbal concoction , she emerged , toweled herself dry and applied perfume to the points all over her body which would give off the scent to best advantage . Then she wrapped herself in a huge toweling robe and went downstairs to greet her husband with his favorite light supper . Yes , this was the night of his weekly poker party and it was his turn again to host the party . He had told her that this time , he didn 't want her to hide herself away upstairs but instead she was to remain in evidence and serve his friends with drinks and snacks as they played . This wasn 't the norm for these events , but tonight he wanted to do something a little different . Just as she finished re - checking everything to be sure all that was needed was a ( more … ) big black cocks , blowjobs , cheating , cum eaters , exhibitionism , fucking , girls kissing , groupsex , lap dance , slut wife , stripperMy wife Katie and her friends had made few trips to the male strip club over the years . Once for a 40th birthday party , once for a bachelorette party and stuff like that . I usually would stay up and wait for her and we would fuck like rabbits when she got home . With this not being a regular occurrence , I never really thought anything of it , other than our fuck sessions were usually a little more aggressive . One of her best friends got promoted at her work and was getting transferred to another state . Just so happened that the strip club had some special all male show coming up , so the girls planned their only gig this year . As there were prepping and planning I would hear them giggle and say things that I couldn 't hear . They must have been remembering some previous trips as they seemed a little extra excited with this one . A couple days later , some of the girls and husbands came over for the Sunday football games . We guys got to talking about the girls upcoming trip and I said that I wouldn 't mind being a fly on the wall at the club on strip night . Dan turned and said " All you have to do is call and tell them you want the husband special . " " The husband special ? What 's that ? " I asked . " Well , if you want to be a fly on the wall , that 's almost what you 'll be . " One of them replied . " Trust me ; YOU will get more for your money than THEY will . Just be prepared because some things you see may surprise you . " They both laughed and I wondered what that meant but was afraid to ask . My mind roamed trying to think of what I might see , but I guess I will just have to give it a shot and find out first hand . Strip night came up very fast and Katie was busy getting dressed and prepped . She did not wear anything special , just some tight jeans and a v - neck pull over sweater . Sure the sweater was a little tight , but that 's the kind of stuff she wore all the time . The girls all met at our Dessert With The Neighbors blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionism , slut wife , swingersJan didn 't know Carol very well . Of course she had seen Carol around the neighborhood some , and they ran into each other at the grocery sometimes . But they really weren 't friends , just acquaintances . Jan had heard things about Carol and her husband Rob . One of the neighborhood rumors was that the couple went to some pretty wild parties , but Jan wasn 't sure she believed it . As far as she knew they were just another middle - aged couple . That 's why Jan was surprised when she found Carol on her doorstep that morning . " Hi , " Carol said . Sorry to bother you , but I just got a flat tire . I wonder if I could use your phone to call Triple A . " " Sure , " Jan said , noticing the car in front of their house which seemed to be listing to one side . It was pouring down rain , and Jan understood why Carol hadn 't walked the two blocks to her own house to call . " Come on in and get dry . There 's a phone in the kitchen you can use . " " Thanks . I don 't want to get your carpet all wet , though . " " No problem , just take off your shoes and you 'll be okay . " While Carol was calling , Jan went and got a towel for Carol to dry off with . " Thanks , Carol said when she got off the phone . " They can 't get here for at least an hour . Maybe I 'll try to get home and come back . " " Don 't go out there , " Jan told her . " I 've got some fresh coffee . Just sit down and wait here . " " I don 't want to be a bother . " " Don 't worry about it . I 've been cleaning all morning and was looking for an excuse to sit down awhile myself . Make yourself comfortable . " The two women sat and talked about neighborhood stuff for a while . Jan was pleasantly surprised at how they had so many interests in common . They were both crafters and both did a lot of sewing . It turned out they had plenty to talk about . Then Carol mentioned how her husband Rob worked a lot of nights . He had a janitorial service that cleaned offices in the evenings . Carol said that Rob wasn 't working that night ( more … ) anal sex , cheating , exhibitionism , voyeurThe flight back to Boston was only half full that night . We filed into the cabin and went through the usual routines of cramming more luggage than was technically permitted into the overhead compartments and under the seats . With so few people , however , there was plenty of space for everyone as well as all their belongings . I moved towards the back of the plane , away from most everyone else , and took a seat in the last aisle , by the window . I like to watch the nightlights of the cities below me . I find it 's hard to sleep in planes , no matter the hour or how tired I am . Rest , I do , but sleep never really comes . The passengers spread out over the plane , taking up all the available space , most everyone finding a row to themselves so they could curl up across the seats and sleep through the flight . I envied them , knowing I would arrive at Logan with red - rimmed eyes . Shortly after I took my seat and began pulling out my laptop to look over some project specs I had been working on , a young couple settled into the seats across the aisle . I 'd noticed them briefly in the waiting area , her especially . She had an easy , confident air about her - the way she carried herself as she moved between the fastened - down rows of chrome and vinyl airport chairs , casually pulling her suitcase behind her . Her wheat - coloured hair hung in soft waves just over her lightly tanned shoulders , and she had a broad , full smile , its spread matched only by the natural swell of her hips . Her body was full and lush , and she exuded a carefree sensuality you couldn 't help but admire . Making love to a woman like that would be like rocking in the belly of a small boat over salty ocean waves . Her eyes were nearly golden , with darker flecks ; I 'd noticed them when we stood near to one another at the check - in counter . A tiger 's eye hung about her throat on a narrow leather cord , and I remember thinking how much that suited her - a tiger 's eye , for a tigress of a woman . Her companion maintained a close dist ( more … ) at work , blowjobs , exhibitionism , first times , older younger , pussy licking " We 'll just pick you up at your apartment at 7 : 30 , " the woman 's voice on the phone instructed me , " And that 's all there is to it , Tonia ! " " OK , " I chuckled , " See you then . " The woman on the phone was Ruth , the wife of my boss , Dick . I guess Dick had said something to her about the mood I 've been in at work lately and that I said I was going to get really wiped out at our party tonight . Ruth said she was concerned about me driving . They live about three miles from me so it wasn 't going to be too far out of their way . The office staff had dwindled all afternoon . When Ruth called at a little after four , I was the only one left . I knew I 'd have to work until five because there was a possibility that someone from our largest customer 's office might call and my boss didn 't want to make a big deal about us closing early . He knew I could handle anything that came up . I sat at my desk , daydreaming about the dress I 'd found on the Internet . The black dress looks almost like a slip . It has spaghetti straps that criss - cross in the back , which is bare from the waist up . It 's at least three inches above my knees and has a short slit up each side . I can 't wear a bra under it so the firm nipples on my smallish breasts , become very noticeable . Dick calls me a brat because I love to tease him by wearing short skirts or something else , sexy , to work . I know the other men watch me too , but he 's so much fun to tease . I still wasn 't sure if I had enough nerve to wear the dress , though . Time flew by and soon I was looking at myself in the full length mirror in my bedroom , " I don 't know if you should wear this … " I kept turning around and looking at how naughty my little 95 pound , five foot two and a half inch body looked in this silky dress . It was too late to change . The doorbell rang and I scampered down the hall and opened it . " Just need to grab a jacket and my coat , " I turned quickly . " Wait a minute ! " Dick cal ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionism , fucking , masturbationThe house was empty , or so it seemed . Tom took off his jacket and hung it over the back of a chair in the living room . He went to the kitchen and took a beer from the fridge . Opening it , he took a long swig and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand . " Ah … the weekend . Let the good times roll ! " he thought to himself . He started to climb the stairs of the house , taking off his tie with his free hand . He took another swig of his beer , and heard what sounded like a moan . He stopped on the stairs and turned around . Seeing no one , he shrugged his shoulders and continued up the stairs . He arrived at the landing and again heard the noise , louder this time . He looked around and again saw no one . He walked towards the master bedroom , passing by the au pairs door . He noticed that it was slightly ajar , and then heard another moan . He stopped and listened . The house was silent accept for the occasional moan . He wanted to know where it was coming from . Another moan , or was it more of a grunt ? He knew where it was coming from this time . Tom crept up to the au pairs door , and slowly eased it open . The site that met his eyes caused his heart to beat faster . There , lying on her bed , naked as the days she was born , was Sylvie , the au pair . Her eyes were closed . Her left hand was feeling her right breast , pinching her nipple . Her right hand was wrapped around the end of a vibrator that she was busy plunging in and out of her pussy . Tom watched mesmerized by her display . Her breathing was becoming more urgent and her thrusting was getting faster . Her hand was a blur as she thrust the fake penis in and out of her with speed . Tom could feel his own sense of arousal . He looked down and could see the bulge forming at the front of his trousers . He returned his attentions back to Sylvie . She stopped tweaking her nipple and ran her hand down her body . She started to feverishly rub her clitoris whilst still keeping the momentum of her thrusting . She started to thrash her head about . ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionismI am currently dating a graduate student who attends my school named Eric . Things had been going really well and our sex life has been amazing . Over the past few weeks however , he has been hinting and joking that he wants to have a three - way with me and one of his friends . When he first brought it up , I joked back " Oh yeah , which one of your friends ? " and he answered back " I don 't care honey , any one of them ! " It has usually come up when we are fooling around right before sex and I wasn 't sure if he was serious or not . Some of his friends are cute , all of them are older ( in their late 20 's and early 30 's ) and I found myself thinking about it a little bit . Since Eric is older and in grad school , he doesn 't know about my past " history " as someone who likes to have fun . After a few weeks , he began to bring up the subject of a three - way more and more , and although I was secretly thinking about trying it , I continued to tell him that it was out of the question . It seemed that the more out of the question I made it seem , the more he joked about it . His 30th birthday was coming up on October 27th , right before Halloween , and he told me that his friends were going to throw him a private party at his friend Todd 's apartment and that I couldn 't come . " It 's just for the guys " he said . Well , a few days before Eric 's birthday , we were out a bar with Eric and his friends . Eric got up to go to the bar to get some drinks . His friend Todd reached for his wallet to get some money to give to Eric when I saw a card fall out of his wallet . I saw a picture of a woman on the card so I reached down and snatched it up . In bright pink letters it said " Tina 's Dancers & Escorts . " It had phone numbers and a picture of a cheap looking stripper . I looked at Todd and he flushed bright red as I handed him back the card and smiled . " Lonely Todd ? " I said jokingly . He flushed even brighter red and quickly put it back in his wallet . Eric and the other guys were busy handling ( more … ) exhibitionism , fingers , lesbianFinally , we were going to visit Australia . For years my wife and I had been planning this trip . We 'd promised ourselves that one day we would go " down under . " Now at last we were on our way . For Christmas my parents had given us two first - class tickets on QANTAS , the Australian airline . From Los Angels it was a 14 - hour flight , so the first class seats were very welcome . I turned and looked at Lynne as she sat next to me . For 35 she was looking fine . Her long brown hair hung down to her waist and her full high breasts still showed no sign of sag . We indulged in the complimentary Champagne and enjoyed the delicious food , not giving any thought to the poor souls back in economy . After dinner we ordered another bottle of wine and sat back to enjoy the movie . On first class you have individual screens and a selection of movies and Lynne and I both decided to watch " Eyes Wide Shut . " This turned out to be very sexy in parts and by the end of the film I was sporting a large hard - on . I noticed that Lynne was squirming in her seat and decided to try to feel her up . We both had blankets over us and slowly I slid my hand over beneath her blanket and started to run my fingers up her thigh . Lynne immediately grabbed my wrist . " Stop that , someone will see us , " she whispered . " Don 't worry about it , " I said . " First class is practically empty . No - one will notice . " Lynne reluctantly released my wrist and I continued to slide my fingers up underneath the short skirt she was wearing . Soon my fingers came in contact with the strip of cotton of her panties and I gradually eased my fingers under the leg band and started rubbing her pussy . By now Lynne was moving around in her seat and her movements must have caught the attention of our stewardess . I looked up to see a beautiful blonde in QANTAS uniform standing by Lynne 's seat . She could see the outline of my hand as it pushed back and forth between Lynne 's legs and by now the was a definite smell of pussy in the air as Lynne reacted t ( more … ) anal sex , exhibitionism , groupsex , slut wife " That was a lovely meal , " Suzy said to me , looking up from her beer . " Did you notice that waiter ? He kept trying to look down your dress every time he got near the table . " We were sitting in the beer garden outside a pub not far from the restaurant . We had spent the night with friends after missing the last train following a dinner party at their house and decided to have an early lunch before getting the train home . " I can 't say I noticed . Were you getting jealous ? " Suzy asked me , playfully rubbing her leg against mine . " No , no . Maybe he was just staring because not many women wear evening dress in the afternoon . " " Maybe I should take it off . Would you like that ? " Suzy asked . She stood up , seductively placing her hands on her hips and raising the dress slightly . She raised her eyebrows at me , then laughed out loud . " Maybe later . I 'm just going to the Ladies Room to check I 'm not showing more than I should be . Did you see where it is when you bought the drinks ? " " Yeah . It 's just by the door as you go in . " " Thanks . Be sure to wait for me , won 't you . , " she grinned at me , knowing I 'd wait forever . I turned to watch her go . She really did look sexy in the dress . It was bright red , very short and daringly low cut at the front . Wearing matching stiletto heels , her full breasts and shapely ass stuck out in all the right ways . All the men at the party last night were drinking her in with their eyes , and I knew she was enjoying the attention . I wondered if she was lying about not noticing the way the waiter was looking at her . When Suzy returned from the toilet I noticed that she seemed very flushed . She rarely drinks in the afternoon and we had polished off two bottles of wine before we had even finished the meal , so we were both more than a little tipsy even before coming to the pub for a beer . " Are you feeling all right ? " I asked her . For a second she just stared at me , her mouth open , not seeming to register what I was saying , then sh ( more … ) anal sex , blowjobs , exhibitionism , first times , groupsex , slut wifeMy wife and I had been married for almost 8 years when this little incident occurred . As the years have gone by , our sex life has progressed and grown richer . I have made sure of that by asking about her fantasies , then fulfilling them the best I can . We include spanking , mild bondage , domination and submission into our sexual repertory . But I always felt that she was holding out on me ; that there was one fantasy that she would not share with me . After much prodding she admitted that she was obsessed with the idea of being fucked by more than one guy . I was not surprised . My wife Jennifer ( the names have been changed to protect the naughty ) is a very sexual person . Her body screams sex . She is petite , with dark hair , green eyes , large breasts for her size and a large round ass ; God , I love to spank that ass , but I digress . Months went by and I made no mention of it . Then we went on our vacation to Florida , staying at a small hotel near the beach . My wife loves the beach . On the third day , while we were on the beach , two young men set up camp next to our towel . They looked to me to be about 18 or 19 years old , average looking , not jocks nor geeks , just average guys . I should know , I was one of them at their age . I got laid every once in a while , but mostly I just jerked off . The interesting thing about them was their contrast , one guy was shorter with dark hair , the other fair - haired and over six foot . Jennifer quickly started a conversation with them which surprised me and gave me an idea . We learned that they were freshmen at the local college . As Jennifer talked , she asked me to rub some sunscreen on her . Although it seemed to me that she had plenty of sunscreen on , I did as she asked . As we chatted with Mark , the blond , and Ray , the shorter one , I spread lotion all over my wife 's front side paying special attention to the exposed tops of her ample breasts . I could see the guys steal glances at her tits . She turned over and I did the same to her ba ( more … ) anal sex , at school , exhibitionism , older younger , spankingProfessor Daren was sweating . Karla had come to class dressed completely inappropriately again , and he was having the worst time trying to hide the tent in his pants . Second row back , the flirty redhead was leaning forward , as if completely interested in everything he was saying . Really , however , the curvy college freshman was giving him a great view down her button up shirt … under which she was wearing nothing , as he could attest to . He wondered if she 'd given her high school teachers this much trouble or if it was just him . A younger professor , Daren was about 35 years old , 6 ' 1 ″ with shortly clipped brown hair . Attractive and very young for his position , his classes on abnormal psychology were a favorite for females . Especially now when the topic had moved into sexual abnormalities and fetishes . When he 'd first taken the position he hadn 't realized how full of females his classes could get , he tended to try to get through this section as quickly as possible , not wanting to discuss sexual fetishes too deeply in class . For as much as he knew he had to hide it , he had his own fetish … probably part of the reason he 'd become a professor rather than a teacher . He was entranced with the schoolgirl image , the Catholic schoolgirl gone wrong and needed a spanking . For years he 'd been picturing himself having to administer punishment to some nubile young girl , turning her ass red with a paddle . Just thinking about it made him hard … not that that could hurt now , he was already at full mast just from looking down Karla 's shirt at her perky , round , pale white breasts . Gorgeous things that they were . Fortunately , he 'd been doing these lectures for long enough that his mouth could run on the familiar words without his brain being behind it . Otherwise he 'd probably be in front of this class just stuttering like a fool . He 'd had brazen girls in his classes before , wanting to ask him out for a date , trying to do " extra credit " , but none were Softball Slut blowjobs , exhibitionism , fingers , groupsex , swingersThis happened two years ago . My wife and I have been married for 12 years and at 35 , she still is as hot as when we married . During the summer on Fridays when I would come home from working the second shift , my neighbors Pam and Tom would have the fire going and the drinks flowing . So by the time I would come home , everyone would be in a happy mood . So it was no surprise when Kristy called me at work to say that she would be at Pam 's helping her making party food ( it was Tom 's turn to host his softball teams after game party ) I said OK , but don 't have too much fun until I get home . She just laughed and said it will be hard when all the young men are there . When I got home the party was going strong , I gave the group a quick Hi and said that I will be right over . I didn 't see Kristy outside but when I got inside I could hear voices coming from the Kitchen and I herd Kristy say slow down we have all night . So I backed up a little so that I could make a louder entrance . Kristy then came out with a tray of ice and cups and a young man who she introduced as Eric . We said are hellos and he took the stuff out to the party . She was wearing her shortest cutoff jeans and her halter - top which I could see was without bra . I could she that she was already a little tipsy and I told her she looked sexy and what she meant we have all night to Eric . She just looked at the floor and said , you heard that ! That 's when she told me how she had told Pam about how I would like to see her fucked by other guys . Pam said since it was close to my birthday she would ask Tom to see if he could set it up with some of his friends from softball . She just looked at me and asked if I was mad ? I just gave her a squeeze and a kiss and said no just surprised but very excited . I asked her if she could at least hold off until I return from my shower , she just ran out the door saying she will try . When I got outside Pam and Kristy were on the deck dancing with 4 guys , Tom was over by the bar wit ( more … ) |
This is a blog about my neurotic adventures in motherhood . In addition , this is a blog where you will also read what I am most passionate about ; adoption , bullying , people with special needs . Come get to know the real me . Like they say , don 't judge a book by it 's cover . Yes , it is ! Okay , I will first make it very clear that I love my husband and I care very much about him . But , he definitely peeves me at times . Many times . Maybe all the time . I try to not be so hard on him but gee , will it ever be possible for him to have the kids bathed , in their pajamas , toys picked up , teeth brushed , and in bed before I come home AFTER 8 : 30 on Tuesday and Thursday nights ? Today was another busy day . I had a doctor appointment this morning after which I ran a couple of errands with Ben . Then came home and fed Ben lunch and hung out for another hour and half until it was time to pick up Jackie from school early . I then had to take Jackie to St . Louis for her neurology appointment . We did not get out of there until nearly 5 : 00 PM . Traffic was heavy and we didn 't arrive back home until 5 : 45 . I had just a few minutes to get Jackie ready for soccer practice which started at 6 : 00 . I left instructions for Tim on what to cook for dinner . When I brought Jackie back home at 7 : 00 , Tim was successful with dinner preparations . Score ! On the drive back home from Jackie 's neurology appointment , Ben fell asleep . That was around 5 : 30 . Tim had brought Ben in from the car and laid him on the couch where Ben continued to snooze . I figured he would probably wake up before I brought Jackie home from soccer practice . So , I was surprised that Ben was still asleep when we got back home at 7 : 00 . I quickly got Jackie a plate of spaghetti and some broccoli then I quickly changed into my workout clothes for Zumba which starts at 7 : 30 . Which Tim knows about because I go every Tuesday and Thursday at the same time . Every week . Every Tuesday and Thursday . At 7 : 30 . You get the hint . It doesn 't change unless I have something that comes up . But that hardly happens because I have to have my Zumba fix . So before I head out the door , I exchanged a few words with Jackie and told her goodnight . I told Tim that I 'll see him later . As I headed out ( by this time it is 7 : 10 ) , I thought , " hmm , maybe I should have woken Ben up . " But then I thought common sense would tell Tim to wake Ben up before too long . I got to Zumba and it was a great and fun class tonight . It 's always fun but tonight was especially fun because people just got the giggles over some of the moves . I got home about 8 : 50 and the first thing I notice as I drive up to the house is the light streaming through Jackie 's bedroom window . Now why should that be a big surprise ? I walked in but all was quiet so I thought perhaps the kids were indeed in their rooms just being quiet until they fall asleep . But bliss ended immediately when Tim announced that the kids were still awake . O - kay . Where ? In our room . Were they ready for bed , with teeth brushed ? Nope . So , I immediately go in my room and since the kids ignored my request to get off of my bed and go get ready for bed , I turned the TV off . To my surprise , there were not protests . Very unusual . I got Ben changed into his night clothes , brushed his teeth , and put him to bed . Then my attention was turned to Jackie . Surprisingly , she didn 't stall too much tonight . During all of this , the mister continued to veg in his chair in front of the TV and with his laptop in front of him . I could feel my anger rising but I managed to stay calm while I got the kids ready for bed . Just as I go the last kid into her bed , the mister came in and asked what he should do . What ? ! Why ask now ? He had nearly 2 hours to make sure the kids would at least be ready for bed by the time I arrived back home from the Y . Why bother now ? I told him everything was taken care and then proceeded to ask him why he didn 't have the kids already prepared for bed ? His response ? He didn 't know I was gone . Now , that is unbelievable . He didn 't know I was gone ? It is Tuesday night . I left immediately after bringing Jackie home from soccer practice . This is a routine thing . Tuesday and Thursday nights at 7 : 30 . Every week . And ? I even said " see you later . " So what was different about tonight ? Not sure . Maybe mister was out of his routine when he was assigned to prepare dinner tonight . Ha . Well , after I finished with the kids , I proceeded to the kitchen to clean up the big mess in there . Then I noticed it . A plate with untouched food on it that belonged to Ben . So I asked Tim if Ben ate anything at all for dinner . His response ? No , because Ben didn 't wake up until close to 8 : 00 . Eight o ' clock ? ! I knew I should have gone ahead and woken him up before I left , instead of counting on common sense . Because now ? Now I am sitting here , at 10 : 30 PM , with a little boy who won 't go to sleep and who is still going strong . And everyone else ? Well , everyone except me and little boy ? They 're all asleep . Something Little Boy would already be doing had he not been allowed to sleep until 8 : 00 . Grrrr . I wanted to write about a Jackie funny last Friday but got caught up in other things . Then I just plain forgot that I didn 't post it until today . Actually , this story started last Wednesday . Last Thursday morning while we were waiting for the school bus , Jackie confided in me that she and her friend , B , got into trouble the previous day ( Wednesday ) . I couldn 't believe my ears . Did she not learn her lesson from the red note that she received the previous Monday ? So I asked what happened . I couldn 't quite understand everything because the bus showed up just as Jackie was telling me the story . But what I did understand was that she and B had gone on bathroom break and were doing something with the paper towels and water . Knowing that I had a meeting later that day at the school , I figured I would ask Jackie 's teacher about it . So later that afternoon , I went to the school for Jackie 's IEP meeting . I asked Mrs . G about the incident from the previous day and she immediately started to laugh . Apparently , Jackie and B went on bathroom break as scheduled but when they were taking a longer time than usual to come out of the bathroom , the attending teacher went in and discovered both of the girls making " sand " castles out of the wet paper towels . Mrs . G told me that Jackie 's expression , upon seeing the other teacher , was priceless and without words said " I 've been busted again . " So the girls were sent to their classroom . No red note was sent home , though , so I guess all was forgiven . Or perhaps it was because the troublemaker kids were not involved therefore allowing the teacher to just give a yellow warning . I mentioned this to Tim that evening but apparently it was old news to him because Jackie had confided in him that night after the incident . The rest of the IEP meeting went well . Jackie is on target and actually advanced in certain areas academically . Jackie primarily has an IEP in place to ensure that she receives additional physical therapy at school . Plus , the speech therapist is going to do some remediation with Jackie for some minor speech issues . Other than that , Jackie has become quite the social butterfly and is very well - liked by not only fellow students , but by staff . So Friday , Jackie came home and as soon as she came in the door and I asked for her backpack , Jackie said that she got another red note . Now she did not appear distraught , in fact , she was quite the opposite . So one part of me thought , " yeah , right , she 's kidding me . " But the other part of me was " What ! ? Did she not learn her lesson after being so heartbroken over that first red letter ? So of course , I reacted with surprise and dismay . And as soon as I asked Jackie what happened and why , she responded with " I was just playing , Mommy . " No wonder she was in such a good mood . She had a plan . And it worked . That little twerp nearly got me . And she isn 't even 6 years old , yet . I don 't know where she got that humor but I certainly hope that it doesn 't get her into trouble at school . Posted by We missed church this morning . All because of clothes . Or the dislike of clothes . Jackie is a very difficult child to please , especially when it comes to outfit choices . Even now that she 's older , she has a hand in picking out some of her clothes but still , she often decides that she doesn 't want to wear that when it comes time to wear it . I love my daughter so much and because I love her so much , I want her to look her best , to wear cute & pretty clothes , to have enough clothing that she will never have to wear something multiple days in a row . Unfortunately , ( or maybe , fortunately ? ) , Jackie 's closet is bursting at the seams with cute , pretty , adorable clothes . All kinds of clothing . Very nice clothing . I buy most of the kids ' clothing on sale or clearance and then others have been given to my kids . Jackie 's friend , A , recently gave Jackie a huge bag full of Gymboree clothes . All Gymboree ! Now that 's nice . I want Jackie to look nice when she goes to school , church , friends ' homes , wherever . I still help Jackie pick out matching outfits because she still has not gotten the hang of matching appropriately . If left to her own devices , Jackie will pick out an outfit and proclaim she matches because she picked out everything purple . Yep , purple shirt with flowers , purple pants with plaid pattern , purple striped socks . Now that 's a sight for poor eyes , for sure . And yes , Jackie has dressed herself in this fashion which I immediately corrected . Mean mommy , I know . Now the night before school , Jackie and I usually pick out an outfit for her to wear the next day . And usually , the next morning when she wakes up , Jackie will balk at the previously chosen outfit . And usually , Jackie dawdles around until it 's nearly time to go to the bus stop , hence leaving very little time to pick out another outfit . So , Jackie is often sent onto the school bus in tears because she doesn 't want to wear those clothes . GAH ! This morning is no exception . Well , actually , it did escalate to a whole new level . And especially so , because the rest of us were already dressed and just about ready to go out the door for church . Jackie had another major meltdown , all because she didn 't want to wear the dress and leggings I had laid out . It 's cold this morning , so I picked out a cute long - sleeved dress with leggings since Jackie said that she wanted something to keep her legs warm . No problem , right ? Wrong ! Jackie kept whining about the chosen outfit while the rest of us were getting dressed and ready to go . Jackie kept up until I finally told her to pick out something else . I didn 't care at this point what she picked out . Just go pick out something and get dressed so we could go . Oh no , she proceeded to meltdown saying that she wanted to wear the dress . Then why the hell was she crying the entire time she should have been putting the dress on ? That 's just Jackie . She has to find SOMETHING to cry about , every day , every morning , especially when time is of the essence . So , it escalated to the point that Tim finally just picked Jackie up , carried her to her bedroom , and closed the door . Of course , Jackie 's meltdown just escalated . I finally made the decision that since Jackie never seems happy with our clothing choices , I will just make life much more simpler by taking all of those beautiful , cute , adorable clothes out of her closet and give them away . So many of them still have tags on them . So , that 's exactly what I did . I pulled all of the clothes out of Jackie 's closet and placed them in piles . I 'm going to try to take the newer stuff back to the stores and get refunds . I 'm going to give all of A 's Gymboree clothes back to A 's mother so that she can give them to another little girl who will truly appreciate them . Then the rest , I will either give them to somebody who truly needs them and will appreciate such nice clothes or I will save them for the next consignment sale . Hopefully , I 'll be able to recoup some of my money so I can go buy myself some new clothes . Now that I 've lost weight and gotten back into shape , I do need some new clothes that actually fit me . Jackie 's life will now be simplified with a choice of just 7 outfits throughout the week . And it will be her choice of what to wear each day . And I don 't give a damn if they match or not . As long as I can somehow make the child happy so that we can all be at peace and not war at every morning . I 'm just over it now . And I need to just continue to let it go . And if Jackie mismatches herself , then I 'll just try my best to look away . Now THAT , will be hard . I know I shouldn 't get so uptight when it comes to clothing Jackie . I understand , though , why it 's so important for me . I know I shouldn 't let things carry over to my children but I just want my children to have what I didn 't have as a child . It 's apparent by looking in my daughter 's closet that I do have a problem with clothes . It all stems from not having adequate clothing during my own childhood . Mother never liked to buy me clothes . In fact , she counted on others to give me hand - me - downs . I pretty much grew up on hand - me - downs . And for those who provided that , I really appreciate that . But unfortunately , it got to a point where I was rarely given any hand - me - downs . Now Mother had no problem buying clothes for her son since he didn 't have anybody to give him hand - me - downs . I should make it clear that looking back , many people thought we were poor when in actuality we were not poor . We were by no means rich but we were NOT poor , either . Mother was just cheap and her husband was an alcoholic who probably drank away a lot of his income . Starting around 3rd - 4th grade I started to become an object of ridicule at school and my clothing only made things worse . I was teased horribly for my name , for my coke - bottle thick glasses , for being so skinny , and for my clothes . I was just downright ugly . Not only was I ridiculed by other students , but also by a handful of teachers . Anyway , back to the clothing issue . I remember at the beginning of 8th grade , I had NO clothes , except for a pair of shorts and a couple of shirts , that were appropriate for wearing to school . School was getting ready to start and I remember being at a store with Mother , something like a Family Dollar store , and literally begging Mother to buy me a couple of pairs of pants there that were really cheap . She finally broke down and bought them for me but she did not do so happily . I felt guilty for making her buy me some clothes but I had nothing to wear to school . Mother always complained that I had expensive taste . Yeah right . How could I have expensThings have changed over the years , of course , and Mother doesn 't seem to have a problem buying things for me . But still to this day , I always have a twinge of guilt when Mother does do something for me . I don 't want my kids to have such a guilt complex . That 's probably one reason that I probably go overboard in the clothes department . Maybe , just maybe , one day Jackie will appreciate that . In the meantime , her life will hopefully be simplified with a minimal choice of outfits to wear . I remember last year when Mother was visiting . On our way to the airport for her to go back home , Mother commented that she didn 't know what to do for Jackie since she has plenty of clothes . I commented back that she 's probably never seen a little girl 's closet so full of cute and pretty clothes before . That was a mistake because she immediately became defensive and started talking about how she sacrificed so much so she could buy me some really cute outfits . Too bad that she didn 't realize that she was just dreaming at the time because I sure as hell do not remember her sacrificing SO much for me . In fact , I was always left to feel like I was such a burden , which I 'm sure I was to so many people . My kids will know that their basic needs will always be met with no hesitation . And my kids will always know that they are not burdens . As challenging of a child Jackie is , I do love her and she will know that she is not a burden . Jackie is a challenge but we really do treasure her . Whew , blogging is so therapeutic . Okay , now if anybody truly needs some clothing , I have size 4 & 5 girls . Otherwise , I am going to just place them in the next consignment sale and return the huge bag of Gymboree clothes to A 's mom . Okay , I realize a lot of people are offended when they see little children on leashes . I use one for my son and I don 't give a crap about what people think anymore . It 's my way of having a little more control over my son and helping him to be more safe . The type of leash that I use is a backpack type with a stuff monkey . It harnesses in the front of the child 's body and it has a " tail ' aka leash attached to the backpack . Ben likes his , he thinks it 's cool , and he and his sister like to play and pretend that one is walking the other . Sort of like puppy , er , monkey . I was a little self - conscious about using it at first but then I had to consider what would be best , Ben 's safety or my dislike for attention . Ben 's safety comes first , of course . And you know what ? Most people think it 's actually cute when my son is wearing his out in public . That makes me feel much better about using it . At least I 'm not using a dog leash with a collar around my son 's neck . Now that ? Is just plain wrong . For many reasons with choking being a huge concern . Which brings me to my post today . I went to the commissary this afternoon to buy a few items . Since I knew I wouldn 't need a grocery cart with which I could strap Ben into the seat , I put Ben 's harness on him and off we went inside the store . We were just a few feet inside the store when this kind lady came up to me with a huge smile and commented how cute Ben 's leash was . Then she proceeded to share with me that when her son was little , they didn 't have those type of cute kid leashes so she bought a harness at the pet store to use on her son . I caught my self before my jaw dropped . I just politely said " Thank goodness times have changed " and I was left with this horrible mental image of her son with a dog harness around his body . I was left wondering how she even got a dog harness to fit comfortably around her son . Think about it , most dogs are barrel - chested and dog harnesses are made to accommodate that . Plus , dog contours are different from human boy ( and girl ) contours . Hmm , I wonder what size the lady got for her son ? Posted by Well , after a good streak of no - cry mornings before school , Jackie is back at it . I don 't know if it 's related to yesterday 's ordeal . But even so , I have a very difficult time being compassionate when Jackie cries over trivial stuff . Like this morning . This morning started out fine . I woke to Jackie laying on the floor of my bedroom , probably waiting for me to wake up . As soon as she noticed I was awake , she wanted her breakfast . I had her go change her clothes while I got her breakfast together . Everything was fine until it was time to finish getting dressed for school . Last night , we had together picked out an outfit which consisted of a cute sundress and shorts to wear underneath . Jackie decided this morning that she did not want to wear that outfit and started to cry . Well , it was 5 minutes before we needed to be at the bus stop and I told her she had no choice but to wear this outfit . " I want to wear real clothes " , she said . Real clothes ? ! Seriously ? ! Was she not already wearing real clothes ? Then she said that she wasn 't going to church and those were church clothes . Whatever . I had no clue that dresses were for church ONLY . Well , too bad . There was no time to decide on a different outfit . It takes Jackie a half hour to decide what she would like to wear and then dress into said outfit . She is just a slow - moving child . She pokes along . So no , I was not giving in to her . We had to go before she missed the bus . So , like her usual crying self , the water works continued all the way to the bus stop and even as she got onto the bus . Gee , those people at the bus stop are probably thinking that I beat the crap out of Jackie . And I have difficulty being compassionate toward her during these episodes . Ben , bless his heart , stepped in for me and as soon as he saw the bus coming around the corner , Ben ran up to his sister to give her a hug . She pushed him away . Ben was not accepting that and insisted on hugging his sister . He was being so sweet . I gently told Jackie to let her brother give her a hug before she got on the bus . So she just stood there and let him embrace her . She did not reciprocate but that 's okay . She got on the bus , red - eyed and slightly disheveled , and as the bus took off , she looked out the window at me so sadly . Is my heart starting to harden ? BeSamantha Jackie got her first red note today . Red notes are not good . I got Jackie off to school this morning and in a good mood . No meltdowns , no crying , although I had to prod Jackie to move more quickly . Ben and I hung out at home until noon when I had a personal training session at the Y . My day was incredibly busy from that point on . Jackie 's school dismisses at 3 : 00 so Ben and I got there a little bit early to wait for Jackie to be dismissed . Once school was dismissed , the doors opened and kids started to file out and wait in groups for their rides . Ben and I spotted Jackie right away but as soon as Jackie came through the door , I knew something was wrong . Her little friend , B , appeared to be holding on to Jackie in an effort to comfort her . As soon as Jackie saw me , she just started sobbing . I immediately got down to her level and comforted her and asked her what happened . Jackie was so upset that she couldn 't even clearly tell me what happened . Her friend , B , tried to explain . All I kept hearing was that she " got a red light . " Now I should explain that the Kindergarten teachers use a green , yellow , and red light system for the kids ' behavior during school . Jackie 's teacher puts a sticker chart on the students ' folders . Each box represents each day of school . So , if the student exhibited good behavior all day , s / he gets a green mark . If a student had to be warned , a yellow mark . If a student continued to violate rules , then a red mark is issued . So , I immediately looked at the front of Jackie 's folder but there was no mark . Jackie was still inconsolable and kept saying something about the " red light . " Then I realized that she wasn 't saying " light " at all . She was saying something about a red NOTE . So , I looked inside the folder and there it was , a red note explaining the reason for the red note . Apparently , Jackie and 2 other children ran from water fountain to water fountain to drink water while they were supposed to be on bathroom break . I got Jackie and Ben into the car . While in the car on the way home , I asked Jackie to tell me exactly what happened . She told me what happened and even included the names of those involved . I have no clue who these children are but I was pretty sure that Jackie was not the leader . She is definitely not a leader type and is more of a follower . It was obvious that Jackie was very , very upset because she caSamantha I need help . Well , actually , I 'm not the one needing help personally . I 'm trying to help a precious soul find a new home . Okay , here goes . I 'm trying not to be judgmental about this family but I just hate , hate , HATE when people don 't keep their commitments when it comes to helpless members of the family . As most of you know , I coach a soccer team of 5 - year olds . The mother of one of the boys on my team , I 'll call her J , is getting ready to have her 5th baby any day now . The family is military and they have orders to PCS to Alaska mid - October . In addition to the soon - to - be 5 kids , the family currently includes 3 dogs and 2 cats . Well , at least , for the next couple of weeks . Two of the dogs will be going back to a rescue organization here where they originally came from . I 'm not sure what is happening to the cats . But the third dog is a blond lab . The family brought him back from Germany when they came back stateside a few years ago . The dog is 7 years old now . He is a great dog and was raised with kids . He is great with the kids . J told me that the family is going to have this precious dog put to sleep because they won 't be able to take him to Alaska due to the move . And unfortunately , the dog is in early stage of heartworm ( very treatable ! and preventable ! ) and if they take him to the pound , he would be put to sleep , anyway . They brought this dog over from Germany ! And now they are going to dispose of him ! Because there won 't be room in the family minivan for the move to Alaska . Now , I understand that with 5 kids and a minivan towing a small trailer , space will be severely limited . Especially when traveling from this area cross country and through Canada before reaching Alaska . Ten days is a long time with kids to travel in this way . But there are other options available to keep this dog as part of the family . I realize airfare for a pet can be expensive but with advance planning , one might be able to find a deal on airfare . There are also pet transporters available . But , I 'm trying not to judge and I do understand this family 's situation . But this dog 's situation still disturbs me . I personally would do everything within my power If I didn 't already have 2 dogs , I would take this dog , no problem . I 've always wanted a blond lab but I refuse to purchase a dog from a breeder as there are so many other dogs in shelters in need of permanent homes . I admit that I do have a full - breed mini Aussie but he was a rescue . Our other dog is just 100 % mongrel . Okay , so I am now asking for help in finding a home for this precious lab . I am also willing to financially assist with the expense of treating the heartworms . Since we are by no means rich , one way that I am hoping to raise funds for this dog is to sell Avon . I have an Avon account through which I order items for myself and just a couple of friends . Needless to say , I don 't make any money from Avon right now . But , if anybody is interested in buying anything from Avon , I will donate all the proceeds to the care of this dog . I want to help him find a home where he can continue to provide the unconditional love that he has provided to his current family for the last 7 years . Or even better ( or maybe not ? ) , perhaps I can raise enough funds to send him via airliner to Alaska after the family arrives and gets settled . Then whatever funds are leftover can be used for the heartworm treatment . I know the family loves their animals and I 'm sure they 're feeling overwhelmed right now , especially with the arrival of a newborn coupled with moving preparations . I wish they had planned better for the welfare of their pets in case of a situation like this . The packers are going to be packing up the family belongings in just a couple of weeks . Please , anyone who is reading this , help me help this precious dog . It would be great for this dog to be able to live out the remainder of his life in a loving home where he can return the love unconditionally . I 've never felt comfortable asking for help but when it comes to animals and children ( especially those with special needs ) , I have a real passion for these causes . Please help me spread the word about this beautiful blond lab . Posted by I just had to share this story from one of my favorite websites , www . peopleofwalmart . com . It just about made me pee my pants from laughing so hard . Okay , this is copied and pasted so if there are spelling / grammar mistakes , they aren 't mine . Dog Food Diet " While waiting in line at my local Wal - Mart with a 50lbs bag of dog food , I had a woman ask me if I was going to feed my dogs . Now I 'm a big fan of " here 's your sign " so this is how I responded … " No actually I 'm on the dog food diet , you just carry around a small bag of dog food and any time you get hungry you eat a handful . Works great , last time I lost 30lbs , but I ended up in the hospital for a week . " By now everyone else in line is listening including the woman who asked the stupid question and I knew she was about to ask another one . I had to hold back laughter when she said " OMG , what happened ? Did you get sick from all the dog food ? " Without cracking a smile I responded , " Nope , I was sitting in the road licking myself when I got hit by a car . " Everyone in line busted out laughing and the woman stormed off . I have to add though , I didn 't make up the story myself I heard it on a comedy show and had to use it when the oppurtunity prosented itself . " It was a beautiful night for a run so I took Dumb Dog for another run tonight . Dumb Dog did much better than the first time . However , Dumb Dog did try to chase a frog but I was able to get her back on track right away . Then Dumb Dog tried to trip me when Dumb Dog tried to go see a baby in a stroller . Thankfully , I was able to save myself from flying onto the sidewalk . So , not too bad for Dumb Dog tonight with just 2 incidents . There 's hope for Dumb Dog after all . So today , I did not get to the gym at all . And I 'm in the " feeling fat " mood . The day started and ended well after several stressful days dealing with my daughter so I was very grateful for that and didn 't feel too bad about not making it to the gym . After all , I had a very busy day with getting my hair cut and re - highlighted , paying the 2nd installment of real estate taxes that were due today without penalty , going to the rental for a re - inspection , working on my stuff for this weekend 's recycled kids sale . I had to get dinner cooked for the family , clean up , then I went to singing practice . I really , really wanted to get to the gym to go running , at least . Since I was unable to fit that into my schedule , I decided to go for a run this evening . With the dog . The dog that I was considering running with in a fundraiser for a pet rescue organization . So , I got the bright idea that I should take Lucy , the dog , running around the neighborhood . It was already dark so I thought great idea , she can train for this race alongside me while at the same time , she 'll be my protector while I run in the dark . So , I got the leash and Lucy started turning circles in excitement . I should have taken this as a sign . But no , I knew she needed some practice for this upcoming race . So , we head out the door and I was immediately jerked forward by the dumb dog trying to catch a rabbit that was hanging around the front yard . So back inside we went for the prong collar . Of course , being the pessimist that Tim is , he suggested that the prong collar WOULD NOT work with Lucy . Oh , yeah ? So , I set out to prove him wrong . Lucy and I head back out . Now I should say that I usually start out with a fast walk to warm up before running . That 's without a dog in tow . Not tonight . The dumb dog and I took off running right away and not by my choice . I finally got Lucy reigned in and we went back to a fast walk , well , maybe a little faster than a fast walk . More like near - running . Lucy then started her zig - zagging pattern . She had to sniff one side of the sidewalk and immediately move to the other side , then back to the other side . And it wasn 't a slow pace , either . The dog was running while doing this zig - zag craziness . Then I tripped . On the dog . We got just one block from the house and I probably tripped at least 5 times over the dumb dog and I was beginning to doubt that I would make it home unscathed . Finally , we got around the cul - de - sac a block from the house and finally , I got Lucy under control . Well , I thought I did until Lucy suddenly lurched into her zip - zag fast trot again . GAH ! And I tripped . Again . I re - wrapped the leash around my hand once more and made it just a little tighter . I was beginning to think Tim may be right about the prong collar not working on Lucy . Lucy seemed oblivious to the darn thing . Finally , it seemed that I finally broke through to the dumb dog . She was finally running alongside me in a straight pattern . After several more yards I finally breathed a sigh of relief . Tim was wrong and I was right . The prong collar is working . Finally . We were going at a good pace until Lucy got the leash caught around her leg . Twice . That should not have happened by the way I had the leash wrapped and the tightness of it . So , while continuing to move , I quickly unwrapped the leash and we continued on our way . And doing good . Until . . . Lucy started growling which startled me . Then I realized the culprit . Tomorrow is trash day and most of the neighbors had their trash sitting curbside . Lucy was growling at somebody 's black trash bag . A trash bag ! Dumb dog . I just pulled her along and continued on our run . When I came upon the back cul - de - sac , one of the neighbors had all of their cars blocking the sidewalk so Lucy and I ran onto the pavement and immediately after passing those cars , we ran back upon the sidewalk . Well , at least , I did . I don 't know where Lucy thought she was going but I know that I almost flipped over the dumb dog . We got back onto the sidewalk and everything seemed to finally go smoothly for nearly the rest of the way home . Finally , the dumb dog was getting it . She might be race material after all . Toward the end of our run , though , I was pretty much pulling Lucy along . At least she wasn 't zig - zagging me along . In fact , Lucy was acting like she was going to die from exertion . Finally , we made it back home and Lucy couldn 't get inside the house quick enough . She immediately went to her water bowl and sucked the water down . Not sure if Lucy is really cut out for this but as dumb as the idea is , I 'm willing to give her another try . The prong collar did work . After several minutes , that is . Now I need to figure out how to get the dumb dog to quit tripping me . And to all my fellow animal lovers , I really do love my animals . and we take good care of them . However , Lucy really is not the brightest candle on the cake . You know that book , " Marley & Me " ? You should read it . I 'll get to that in a moment but first , I want to say that yesterday afternoon ended up being a much better day and it even extended through this morning . After I got Jackie off to school , Ben had his speech therapy appointment . After Ben 's therapist left , I headed out with Ben to the YMCA to work out a little bit . I ran although I seemed to struggle with my breathing a little bit . I walked a little more afterward then made my way downstairs where I worked some on the weights and treadmill . From there , Ben and I headed home where we just hung out until it was time to meet Jackie at the bus stop . As soon as Ben saw the bus coming around the corner , he ran toward the curb with his arms open wide to greet his sister . It was the cutest thing . As soon as Jackie got off the bus , Ben embraced his sister and hugged her tight . It was just so precious and warmed my heart and it helped to take away the sadness and guilt that I had been feeling since the morning . The bus driver was so touched by my childrens ' actions and kept saying " how cute , how sweet , how precious . " It really was precious and I wish I had my phone ready to take a picture . We got back to the house where Jackie immediately grabbed Ben 's bin full of Little People and dumped them . Ugh , I thought for sure that Jackie was still upset from that morning . I 'm not sure why Jackie did that . I asked Jackie to pick them up whereupon she called Ben to come help her . I told her no way was that happening as she very clearly was the only guilty party in dumping the bin . And it was no accident ; it was very intentional . But after threatening to take away certain toys , Jackie picked up the Little People and put them back in the bin . Then I had her sit next to me so we could go over her day at school . Jackie told me about computer lab and lunch . Then she told me that she had to watch everyone while they played a game . She said Mrs . G said " Jackie , go sit down and watch because you 're not paying attention . " Whoa ! Jackie in trouble ? Now Jackie may be a handful around us but sheOkay , so back to how the day went . I took Jackie to soccer practice in the evening . Since I am one of the coaches on Jackie 's team , Jackie tends to whine to me a little more when she doesn 't get the ball enough or get her turn at something as often as she would like . That 's one of the things that I don 't like about coaching Jackie 's team . But Jackie did a great job working with her teammates and at turn - taking . I was proud of her . After practice , I got the kids home and gave Tim instructions about bedtime routine before I headed out to my Zumba class . I really needed Zumba last night and it was a great workout . We have a new instructor for Tuesday nights and she is very good . Between all of the Zumba classes I 've taken , I 've experienced 4 different instructors . S is pretty close in comparison to M , they 're both high energy and fast - paced and I get the best Zumba workouts with both of these ladies . After I got home from Zumba ( close to 9pm ) , I was not pleased to see that Jackie was still up . At least she was dressed for bed On the other hand , Ben wasn 't even near ready for bed and it was 9 : 00 ! Is it too much to ask for certain somebody to complete ALL duties as a parent for the couple of nights that I go to the gym ? So , I immediately got Jackie into her room to pick out today 's school outfit and then into bed . She was pleasant and didn 't fight me at all . Whew , thank god for that . Then I set to work on getting Ben ready and he balked and ran from me . I just threw my hands up and told Tim that it was his turn . It took awhile but Tim finally got Ben in bed . This morning , I got a late start as I didn 't hear my alarm . I have my alarm set on my cell phone and I did not realize that my phone had been set to mute . Fortunately , I woke up right before 7 : 30 with 20 minutes to spare to get Jackie up , dressed , fed , and out to the bus stop . Jackie was in a great mood the entire time . No crying , hallelujah ! I quickly put on some clean clothes and put my hair up in a clip , at least , what little hair I have . I knew it didn 't look good but I didn 't time to beautify . As we 're walking down the driveway to head to the bus stop , Jackie said " Mommy , your hair looks funny . " And kids are brutally honest . It looked bad , actually it looked scary with pieces of hair sticking up in all different directions . Of course , this made me feel a little more self - conscious about standing with the other parents . Thankfully , I didn 't have the BO or stink breath to go along with the skank hair . Jackie got on the bus cry - free for the first time since started Kindergarten . This morning has Jackie ( and me ) in such a good mood that I momentarily considered that I should over - sleep until 7 : 30 every day . But , nah , it 's just a tad stressful when you have just 15 - 20 minutes to get a child out of bed , dressed , fed , and out the door for school . After Jackie got off to school , I took Ben to the sitter 's house . I went to my hair appointment after which I went to pay our second installment of our property taxes due today without penalty . I got Ben from the sitter 's house and now we 're just hanging out at home until Jackie gets home from school . I 'm enjoying this rare moment of free time with no appointments , no errands , just nothing . Nice ! I must admit this morning that the excitement of having my daughter home from Florida was short - lived , extremely short - lived . It has been nothing but a cryfest and screamfest since Jackie 's been home . And I am at my whit 's end with it . This morning actually started out just fine . Jackie woke up , got dressed for school , ate breakfast . Everything was going smoothly . Until . . . I brushed her hair and she wanted a barrette . So I get a barrette and place it in her hair . She takes it out and goes to the bathroom and starts crying while she 's brushing her hair . The hair that I had already brushed and put a barrette in . What the heck , now , is she crying for ? Well , now she 's crying because she wants long hair and she wants it now . Grrr , a month ago she wanted to get her hair cut short again . So it got cut short . Nothing makes this child happy . NOTHING ! This has been a daily occurrence . She can wake up as happy as ever , eat breakfast , get ready for school , but then . . . something happens , no matter how minor , to set the child off into a crying frenzy . I don 't believe we have even made it to the bus stop without crying . She cries because she doesn 't want to wear her AFO or splint , she cries because I didn 't put enough milk in her cereal , she cries because she doesn 't want to wear the clothes ( clothes she picked out the night before with my help ) , she cries over something that happened last week , she cries because she really didn 't want the shower the night before , she cries because the dog looked at her funny . GAH ! ! ! ! ! She finds a reason to cry and I am sick , sick , sick , of it all ! For once , I would like to walk the child to the bus stop without crying going on in the background . What is it with this child ? I 've asked her about school . She loves it . Is anybody mean to her ? No , not since the 2 hitting incidents a couple of weeks ago . Does she like the bus ? Yes , she loves the bus and doesn 't ever want me to take her to school or pick her up . Is her teacher mean ? No , she loves her teacher . I 'm just at a loss and frustrated with this daily routine of crying for no real reason . This morning , I walked her to the bus stop , crying again . Over wanting long hair . She did not let up the entire time we waited for the bus . I finally had to just walk away a few yards away to get away from the her noise . No worries , as she was always in my line of vision and there were also a couple of other parents there . I just can 't figure the child out . Finally , the bus came ( not soon enough ) and Jackie got onto the bus and sat down . I could see her looking through the window at me with a scowl . I feel somewhat guilty and on the verge of tears for not sending her off with the usual hug and kiss . But I 'm just so frustrated . She has been in constant meltdown mode since she came home from Florida yesterday . And apparently , there were also issues with her behavior while she was in Florida . The child just is not happy . Perhaps it 's time to consider professional help for her ? Is she really becoming that much more aware , at her age , that she is a little different than her peers ? And it 's affecting her self - esteem ? I know she is very much aware that her left foot is different and she points it out to others . But if she 's embarrassed , then why does she point out her foot ? And she is becoming more aware that not every kid her age goes to therapies , wears AFOs or wrist splints , or limps . Could this be part of Jackie 's problem ? Now , Jackie has always been a crier . She 's been a challenge from day one of her life . But , gee , what is the deal with her lately ? Now that she 's getting older and should be getting out of the daily crying phase , she is now on the prowl for something to cry about . She must keep up her daily ritual of crying . I 'm frustrated . I couldn 't wait for that bus to show up this morning so that I could have a somewhat quiet day . Hopefully , Ben will be pleasant today so we can run errands after his speech therapy . And I need to get a work - out in sometime after 3 days of nothing . Maybe I 'm the one with the problem . Posted by Gah ! I 've had a headache pretty much all weekend and I believe it 's resulting from my shoulder pain . I woke up very , very early Sunday morning to a raging headache and my shoulder was in a huge knot and very painful and difficult to move . I took some painkillers and surprisingly , I was able to get up and get me and Ben ready to meet my best friend at her church . After church , I came home and rested since I was still in pain . But by early evening , I felt better , enough so that I met my best friend for a nice walk . After walking , I took Ben to the park playground . When it was time to leave , Ben went into a meltdown , one more violent than I have ever seen . He kicked the back of the passenger seat , he writhed in his car seat , he was throwing his little toys at me from the back seat , he was screaming at the top of his lungs . Now Ben has a temper but wow , I 've never seen him that angry . That was THE WORST meltdown that I have witnessed from Ben . I 'm not even sure I would classify it as a meltdown . It was violent . And he 's just 2 1 / 2 years old . The only thing that seemed to make him quit screaming for a moment was when I rolled down his window . So , I made it home in one piece without yelling at Ben and immediately after getting Ben out of his seat , I put him back into his stroller and took him for another nice walk around my subdivision . The walk seemed to calm Ben down tremendously and he played nicely with the neighbor girl while I mowed the front lawn . But then bedtime came around and the meltdown process began again . Ugghhh , When I woke up this morning , I woke up to more shoulder pain , another headache but mild , and one of my hands was stiff and painful , the type of pain when you 're deficient in potassium . I was really looking forward to my little girl coming home today and that helped to get my mind off of the pain . My friend came by for a little bit , then I did a little cleaning around the house . Mother called me around 11 : 00 to let me know that she got Tim and Jackie to the airport and they should be en - route to Birmingham by then . Then she " warned " me that Jackie was very active this morning . Then when she took Jackie to the bathroom before getting on the plane , Jackie insisted on being independent . Apparently , Mother still wanted to help and when she smacked Jackie on the bum , Jackie had a mini meltdown . Then she ran from the bathroom toward her daddy and yelled " Mimi hit me , Mimi hit me . " Ugghh . I didn 't really know what to think except that I was feeling a little guilty because Tim was going to be dealing with a sassy kid by himself . Around noon , Tim called to tell me that the plane landed in Birmingham and that it was going to be delayed for nearly an hour before departing for St . Louis . I could tell that he was stressed . When I asked what was going on , he explained that since there was going to be a longer layover , he and Jackie went to the Pizza Hut at the airport . The line was incredibly long but Jackie insisted on pizza . So they made their way , finally , to the front of the line only to be told that there was just one cheese pizza left . They both wanted cheese so Tim told Jackie that they would have to share the pizza . When they sat down to eat , Jackie started screaming that she did not want to share and that she wanted to eat all of the pizza . Tim nor I like attention drawn to us so he just threw his hands up and just let Jackie have her way . Jackie ended up not eating all of the pizza after all and since she had her hands all over it , Tim just threw it away . My solution to that situation would have been to just box up thSince I knew that Tim would be hungry by the time he landed in St . Louis , I went through a White Castle drive - thru close by the airport before going to pick Tim and Jackie up . I think he was glad that I thought of him in that way . He was famished . Jackie seemed happy to see me and especially her brother . We got home and I thought all was well . But not even 15 minutes later , Jackie went into another all out meltdown . Over what ? A coloring book . Ben got ahold of one of the 233 ( insert sarcasm here ) coloring books that her Mimi gave her while in Florida and Jackie did not want to share . Again . It seems that Jackie had a problem sharing with her cousin all weekend and now it was carrying over to her brother . I explained to Jackie that since she got so many coloring books from her grandmother , she needed to share with Ben . That was not going over with her . So , the coloring book went into time out . Finally , the kids started playing together nicely with their zhuzhu hamsters that Mother got them . And I was able to get dinner finished and served . I accidentally dumped Jackie 's plate onto the floor . Then Ben dumped just about a half can of Parmesan cheese onto his plate . I got everything cleaned up and got Jackie ready to go to a friend 's house for a little bit . Before I left for the friend 's house , I called our new tenants to let them know that Tim was home and ready to take care of the 2 minor issues that were pending inspection from our township . There was no answer so I left a message for them to call me back . While visiting K , I kept my phone close by in case the tenants called me . After leaving K 's house , Jackie and I headed back home but halfway home , Jackie went into another meltdown . Why ? Because I wouldn 't turn up the stereo volume full blast . It was already loud enough for me and I have more hearing loss than Jackie does . So , no , I was not turning it up more . Finally , I just turned off the stereo and Jackie screamed and kicked the back of my seat and the door the rest of the way home . I got home and since she continued her meltdown , Tim put Jackie into her room . Since I knew the tenants were expecting the repairs tonight , once I got home and while Jackie was melting down , I stepped outside and called them again and left another message . Well , a few minutes later , I received a call from my friend , N , saying that she had received a voice mail from me but that it must have been meant for somebody else and since it sounded important , she called to let me know . I felt like such a dufus although I can laugh about it now . I just didn 't double check the number that I was dialing . N lives in a neighboring state and the new tenants are originally from the same state as N and from the same are code as N . So when I picked the wrong number from my cell phone , I just looked at the area code , not the entire number . Oops , I was wondering why the tenants weren 't calling me back . So , I got ahold of the tenants and explained to them my mistake . They just laughed and we decided to just take care of everything tomorrow . Jackie finally calmed down enough to come out of her room and get a shower . She didn 't even fight going to bed . Wow ! I thought for certain that the night would end with another of Jackie 's meltdowns . But she pleasantly surprised me for the first time today . Ben , on the other hand , fought bedtime again . Here 's hoping for a better tomorrow , pain free shoulder and pleasant children . And in case of meltdowns , may I successfully employ another day of no yelling . I am pleased with myself that I was able to keep my cool amidst all the storms today . Tonight ended on a great note after a bad day . I 've talked about bullying in previous blogs and I 've talked about how the bullying affected me and still affects me to this day . The social network , Facebook , has brought about healing in some ways . Recently , actually months ago , I accepted a friend request from a former fellow student from my years in Swansboro , NC . At first , I was reluctant to accept her because I was a little leery . Leery because this person was one of the meanest people to me during our school years together . We started out as next - door neighbors and even though we occasionally played together , she was still often very unkind toward me . I never understood why as all I ever wanted to do was be her friend . After several years of us being neighbors , N 's parents bought some acreage in another neighborhood and they moved , although we still attended the same school . At school , N was just as mean as ever toward me and I tried to avoid her . I thought she was well - liked by the other students but looking back now , it was more like everyone was nice to her to stay on her good side . But I was nice to her , too , and she was still mean to me . So what was the difference ? I know now thanks to Facebook . And I 'm grateful for Facebook that we are friends again . Friends for real this time . Recently , I received a note from N apologizing for the things she did to me during our childhood . She explained why she treated me the way she did . It really had little to do with me and it had a lot to do with how she felt about herself . It was easy to pick on me . I was touched and it brought me to tears . It meant the world that she was apologizing and I knew she was sincere . We exchanged numbers so that we could talk and soon after that , I had a voice message on my cell phone from N . I was so sorry that I missed her call as I was really looking forward to talking to her . I knew she was going to start back to work this week so I waited until the weekend . I was going to call her tonight but she beat me to it and called me while I was getting a few groceries . I promised to call her as soon as I arrived back home . Although I felt awkward at first , it was so wonderful talking to her . We talked a little it about our families and what our parents are up to . One thing I remember about her parents is that they always seemed so nice to us , although I never really got to know them too well . Unfortunately , N 's mother has passed . Before we finished our call , N again apologized for treating me the way she did . I 'm just so proud of how N has turned out . She has a beautiful family and she enjoys her job working with children . I 'm looking forward to talking again with her in the near future and possibly even one day pay a visit as we live less than a day 's drive apart from each other . It really made my evening to be back in touch with N who has turned into a wonderful person who genuinely cares about people . Oh , and she loves McD 's sweet tea like me ! N , thanks for looking me up . I really look forward to growing our friendship , in a great way . And thanks for the nice comments about my family and for the encouragement . You really are a beautiful person . , inside and out . Posted by My husband has often told me that I have a guilt complex . For a long time , this offended me . Why did he think I have such a guilt complex ? I never understood then , but I realize now that he 's right . I do have a guilt complex . I feel guilty for anything that ever happens , even if it does not involve me or even if I am doing something to defend my rights . As I reflect back on my life , I realize that I took the blame way too many times for things that I had nothing to do with , all because I wanted to keep peace and make people happy . But you know what ? It 's about time that I quit taking on other people 's crap and start looking out for myself . I think this behavior started at a very young age at home and at school . And I can now understand some of the reasons why I have such a guilt complex . I don 't talk about a certain individual much because I have no relationship with that person , who also happens to be my parents ' son . And there are reasons why I have no relationship with him . He violated me in every way you can think of . He stole from me and denied it . He would do something in disobedience and blame me . He caused a lot of tension in the household due to his behavior . Unfortunately , despite all the threats from the parents , he still got away with too much . If he got in trouble , we both were often punished . So , it was no surprise that even outside the home , I was looked at with suspicion . I remember being a part of this girls ' group at a church that I attended and as I got a little older , there were a few fundraisers that I was not allowed to participate . Why ? Because I had a brother who stole and lied and cheated . Which meant that I was a guilty party , too , since I was not allowed to be like the other girls and take stuff home to sell . That hurt . A lot . And of course , I carried the guilt of someone else 's transgressions . Again . I remember as a very young adult , not even a year out of high school , one of my aunts had a very large house from which she rented out one of the rooms . I was looking to move out of the parents ' house because their son kept snooping through my room and stealing from . Even after I put a lock on my door , this person still found a way to get into my room . I had no privacy whatsoever and no way to protect my belongings . I was fed up with him getting away such crap . So , I asked this aunt with the big house , if I could rent a room from her as I not yet able to afford my very own place . Her reasoning for denying me ? You got it , my parents ' son . She learned a hard lesson , she said . So again , I was blamed for his trangressions . And it wasn 't even as if he and I were so close that I would have invited him over to steal . To show how clPosted by Yes , today is a beautiful day . Not too hot and the sun is out after 2 days of rain . Ben and I slept in a little bit before starting our day . The day started with an appointment with the personal trainer . It was quite a workout but unfortunately , my shoulder started giving me a little bit of trouble . I suffered an impinged shoulder earlier last year and I went to several months of physical therapy . It helped but my shoulder occasionally will pop like crazy . I got through today 's workout okay but I 'm sure I 'll feel a little pain tomorrow . That 's okay , though , because no pain , no gain , right ? After I was finished with the workout , I got Ben out of the playcenter so we could run a few errands . Oh , what a beautiful day to run errands . The weather was perfect , no rain , not too hot , a little windy . Perfect weather for driving with the windows down and the moonroof open . Our first stop was home where I grabbed the mail , the keys to the rental house , and my list of things I needed to purchase for the rental house . From home , Ben and I headed to Walmart where I encountered several idiot drivers . Drivers who like to just stop in the middle of the road and just sit there while traffic piled up behind with no way to get around because said driver is blocking the way out . Then driver decides to inch his way forward until he decides to come to a complete stop again until finally , 3 minutes later , his passenger decides to take her time , another 3 minutes , to get out of the car . Grrr . Thankfully , said driver had moved up just enough for me to turn right into an aisle where I encountered yet another idiot driver who tried to ram me head - on . What is it with people who think they are entitled to an entire acre of pavement so that nobody else can get around . But , then I remember , this is Walmart . What else should I expect . I finally made my way around to the far edge of the parking lot where nobody could mess with me and Ben and I went inside to take care of business . We got what we needed , including padded mailing envelopes , and since Ben was so good throughout the store , I rewarded him with a gross Walmart donut . We went back home so I could some other stuff ready to mail . Mother had sent a big box of stuff a few days ago for the kids . There was a variety of stuff from clothes , school supplies , a couple of small toys . There were also several articles of clothing that inadvertently was mailed to us that should have gone to Mother 's other grandkids . So , I had to get that stuff ready to ship to those grandkids . Once I got everything done , we headed to the Downtown Belleville post office where I also had a certified lettSamantha This morning after Ben 's speech therapy , I had to take Ben to get the first of 2 blood tests . We had to to go the Scott AFB lab for the FISH test . The other chromosome test will be performed at a children 's hospital in St . Louis . Ben and I arrived at the lab for the FISH test . Apparently , there was some confusion at the lab about which bodily fluid was to be tested . The original form from the pediatrician 's office ( not the developmental pediatrician who originally ordered the test ) stated the FISH test was for amniotic fluid . Amniotic fluid ? ! What the heck ? This is a 2 - year old boy , not a pregnant female , who is being tested . Ugh , I just don 't understand why the peds office couldn 't just approve both of the tests to be performed at the children 's hospital . So , we had to wait for the correction to be done . Then there was confusion about which tube to collect the blood in . Gah ! Finally , the confusion about everything was settled and Ben was called to the back to get his blood drawn . I thought for certain that I was going to be in for a fight and was hoping that all this personal training that I 've been doing would pay off . Because the boy is strong and does NOT like to be held down for anything . So , after verifying my ID and patient information , the lab technicians got to work trying to find a good vein . They helped me position Ben in my lap with my legs crossing over his and me holding his free arm across his body . Ben balked at this at first but then when he saw the needle , he immediately went still and just watched while I looked away . The lab technician pierced Ben 's skin and he did NOT even flinch . Whoa , I had to look to see for myself that the needle was in Ben 's arm . I was just so proud of Ben . Unfortunately , the technician could not get the needle into his vein so she removed it and decided to let the other technician try on the other arm . By this point , Ben was starting to get slightly agitated but when the needle went into his other arm , he again went still and just stared . Ben just blew me away with how Posted by Jackie did very well on her first plane trip . Tim called me when they landed in Charlotte on Tuesday evening and said that Jackie did well after an initial freak - out . Upon landing in Charlotte , Jackie 's ears started to hurt and Tim said that Jackie started to freak out a little but he gave her the gummy bears and some gum and that seemed to help calm her . Then while they waited for the next flight , Tim treated Jackie to Pizza Hut . By the time they finally arrived in Tampa , Jackie had fallen asleep and even slept through the landing part . I was so proud of Jackie that she did so well . My parents were at the airport to greet Tim and Jackie . The parents took Jackie home with them to spend a few days while Tim went to stay at his mother 's house . I was so worried about how Jackie would react when she woke up the next morning but there was no need to worry after all . When I finally got ahold of Mother yesterday , she told me that when Jackie woke up , she laid there for a moment , then reached over and patted her Mimi 's face ( Mother ) and then asked " are you awake . " That 's just like Jackie . Funny . I sure do miss my little girl . She got to eat a fun , sugary breakfast of cocoa puff cereal and cinnamon roll yogurt ( sounds gross ) . Mother said she ate it all . Of course , I 'm the mean mommy because I rarely buy the sweet , sugary breakfast stuff here . My kids are so deprived at home . Mother had physical therapy that morning and Jackie went with her since her Poppy went golfing . When I finally talked to Jackie , she seemed happy and like she was really enjoying being with her Mimi . She also told on her Daddy that he left her gum on the plane . Bad Daddy ! How dare he leave her gum behind . But I 'm not surprised as that is just a regular occurrence with Tim . That 's one reason that I didn 't pack any of Jackie 's really nice clothes for fear that half of it would get lost or left behind . Sorry , Tim ! Ben must be recovered from his traumatic experience of being left behind . He and I had a very nice day together . Now we 're getting ready to face more trauma in just a little while when I take him to get the first of 2 chromosome blood tests . I 'll update about that later . I am a socially inept mother of 2 beautiful , but high maintenance children . Both of them have special needs that they receive various treatments for . My children are my life . They give me a purpose for living . I am trying to count on a most high being to get me through this journey called life because this life " ain 't " for sissies . I don 't give good first impressions but if you take the time to get to know the real me , then you might have a friend in me . I am passionate about adoption , people with special needs , bullying awareness , animals . I am also crazy about Zumba . Zumba helped to change my life nearly 3 years ago by helping me get out of the deep pit of depression and to help me lose weight and get fit . View my complete profile |
My father , Samson Corliss , died a week before I was seventeen years old . I am now eighteen . Father never showed me the affection as many men do toward their sons . Love was never mentioned . No hugs or anything such as that . Did I miss the affection ? Not really . There was some affection in the family as I was growing up , but his affection was all for my mother . Father occasionally hugged her long and hard . Usually , just before he chased her into the bedroom . Mom would hug me and I hugged her back . This was only in front of one or more of her friends . However , there was never anything loving in our feeling for each other and I knew her hugs were just for show . Mom would bring me out for a photo - op . She collected women friends by the dozen while my father was otherwise occupied . There seemed to be always an attractive older woman around the house for my hormones to focus on . Father was a registered investment advisor and his interests were split unevenly between his job and my mother . His work took precedence . I believe he started teaching me about what he did before I reached kindergarten . By the time I was a thirteen - year - old , I could hold an intelligent conversation about money , with not only my father , but his peers and clients as well . Did Father demand that I learn his job and follow his footsteps ? Not at all , but I had been with him so much , I knew the mechanics if I did not know the actual investments . When I turned fifteen he said to me , " Son , I want you to use this knowledge about money as a fall back position during your lifetime . You will be going to college in a few years . I will be well enough off financially to educate you so you can take up any endeavor you choose to follow . The arts or whatever , but it is a good idea for a person to have a way to make money if he has to . " We held many conversations how money is used . He had an extensive client base and advised them in investing in different companies . " You buy stock and you actually own part of that company . You should not stop there . You need to be involved as well . Take an interest in every one of your investments and especially those who are in charge . Always know something about the men who run the company and who make the decisions . Go to the corporate elections and vote . Collectively , this is the main control the investors have . " This may have sounded somewhat pompous , but it was sage advice . It did seem a little pointless to me if you had $ 10 , 000 invested in a billion dollar corporation . The only way to protect your investment was to sell your stock if the corporation did not do well or buy more when it did . If that corporation was doing well , you might double your money in seven to ten years . I wondered though , as it seemed so impersonal . As I got older , I had my own ideas about investing if and when I was able to make my own investments . I had decided by the time father died , I would do it differently than he did . I knew if I waited long enough , the right opportunity would present itself . Father died from something he ate . Hamburg to be exact . Three others died eating the meat from the same source . Thirty - seven also became ill . We did not find out what caused father 's death until after he was interred . Fortunately , he was the person to have his papers in order , so life went on for my mother and me . Father took care of mother with the exception of her having a bed partner . I knew without anyone saying so , that part of their life had dwindled in the later years . Mother was calm . " Don 't bother yourself about it , Cecil . I will find another partner after a decent period of mourning . Your father and I had often discussed about what we would do if one of us died prematurely . He would have told you the same as I have if he had eaten the fish and I had ordered the beef . " You , of course , are named in his will , and you will also inherit a portion of his estate due you as a minor and dependent child . You are going to be a very well - to - do young man in a year . Do you have any plans ? Understand I am not prying , for we have not been close . You are much like your father and I was never involved in his work . " You were much in Samson 's company and I am sure he was giving you advice about money and how to acquire it . He did not discuss with me what he thought you should do with your life when you come of age . I suppose now that I am directly responsible for your upbringing , I should hold conversations with you so I can advise you . " It was difficult for me to talk with my mother and have a normal , warm conversation with her . We talked , but the conversations were often stilted . You might hear this from anyone . " Mother , Father did nicely in preparing me for life even though it was cut short by his untimely demise . I am well versed in the use of capital , of which I will shortly have the management . I intend to follow a slightly different path than he did , although the same principles apply . " " No , not at this time . I have not finalized them yet . After all , I will not have any capital to invest until I am eighteen . By that time I may go on at a different tangent than what I 'm planning now . " " That you can do . In a way , I have led a somewhat sheltered existence . I need to be comfortable around your many friends . I know they are mostly female , but still they need advice the same as men do . May I have the pleasure of being your escort to some of your functions ? I need to get to know people . This is of course , until you find a new mate for yourself . I believe I can promise not to embarrass you . " Mother was an intelligent person . She wondered out loud , " There must be a different reason than what you have given me ? Do you mind telling me what it is ? " I looked into her eyes and decided I could trust her . " Mother , most of your friends appear well - to - do . At least everyone thinks so . I know differently about some of them . From what I have heard from listening , some are right on the brink of losing everything . No one pays attention to a mere boy so your friends talk when they think I am not paying attention . They all have assets though , and all need their money invested to return to solvency and more . Father gave me the expertise to manage money . If I follow in his footsteps , I will need to deal with people such as your friends . " " No mother , I 'm as honest as father was . It is just that as young as I am , I need to break into your circle of older friends . They will look on me as still a youth and I will need their trust long before I handle any of their assets . I can do that if they can see that I treat you with respect and deference . " Again , mother paused . I am sure she thought much of her friends . Could she trust me ? Blood being thicker than water , she almost had to bow to my wishes . Had she looked at her son closely before this ? Did she know me , or was I just an entity that came down for breakfast and said good morning . This time she did examine me . I was tall , broad - shouldered and had dark brown wavy hair . The pimple stage had disappeared from my face two years ago . My voice was deep and melodic . I could see in her eyes the moment when my mother decided she might like to have her son for an escort . When I smiled it was then she said , " Okay Cecil , I have a semi - formal dinner tonight . You may escort me . Wear something dark as this is my first public appearance since your father passed . " Sharon Corliss ' friends and close acquaintances became mine that night . I was often the only male at these functions of mother 's . The women soon realized that I had more to say on several different subjects than just answering a question about how I was doing in school . I engaged mother 's friends in conversation and made myself as charming as possible . You might say I was doing research using these women as subjects . It was not long before they forgot how young I was and I could make point and counterpoint when discussing their problems . Remember now , I was still seventeen at this time . I did not play sports and I could not sing . I had played in a band in middle school , but found this did not hold much interest for me . No one could call me a nerd , but I did find my lessons easy . I spent my spare time reading newspapers , i . e . ( Wall Street Journal ) and listening to commentary on the TV ( Public Broadcasting Station ) . These friends of my mother 's were now of a different interest area to obtain knowledge . For a long while , there were five women in the group and all were close friends . There were two widows like mother , one divorced , one woman who had never married , and one I could not catalog . I could not catalog that odd one because she had dropped out of the circle of friends shortly before father died . She had been my favorite and I did miss her . All were aged about forty , a year or two either side of it , and yes they were all attractive , but in different ways . It took me a few months of meeting these women at various times to sort them into their own individual lives . I knew how they lived , their problems , their hopes , and yes , their dreams . Strange for a seventeen - year - old to be thinking like this ? Of course , but then my father had given me an analytical way of looking at situations and at people . I had already decided what my life was going to be . In a few months , I was going to be of age and have at my disposal funds to implement what I had chosen to make of my own life . I was aware that my mother was planning a bash for me after high school graduation . I had even seen the speech she was going to give about how she was relinquishing her responsibilities and how I would now be on my own . I also knew she would be commanding me to appear with a date . She was hoping I would pick a girl that would impress her friends . Did I know any young woman that would fill this role ? Of course I did . The girls I associated with were in some ways much like me with an agenda outside what was the norm . They had planned their future in life just the same as I had . One girl , Roma Sadowski , was of Gypsy heritage . She aspired to become an actress . Whether she would , I had no idea . She had flashing dark features with sparkling black eyes . She was a sultry , beautiful girl , but poor . Roma was from a group of disenfranchised people for not only years , but for centuries . She showed intelligence and her goal was to become an outstanding actress . Actually , in a way I bought her . I induced her to become my date by handing her money to go to a studio and provide a portfolio of different poses of herself . She could use this when applying for an open casting call . I also purchased what she would wear for the evening . When she left the beauty parlor , her good looks were enhanced . I chose Roma mainly because , although I did these things and she was a friend of sorts , she claimed to be gay . I did not want any romantic entanglements at this early stage of my life . I suppose mother 's friends had typecast me as a mama 's boy just because I had been my mother 's sole escort for the past year . That was not the case . Mother had indicated early on that she would find another mate . This graduation party was for me to go from student to man . I even moved that same day from my old room in the upstairs , to a two - bedroom apartment in the rear that had been servant 's quarters in bygone days . This apartment had its own entrance and I could come and go as I chose . The day of the dinner , I asked of my mother , " I want the seating arrangement to reflect one empty chair on your right . I am relinquishing my role as escort to someone whom you know slightly . He was one of father 's older friends and just for the evening , he will take my place . It is appropriate that I dance the first dance with you . However , I feel I should have the last dance with my date . " " That is thoughtful of you , Cecil . It will show my friends the success I have had in raising you after Samson passed away . It will prove I was up to the task . " I smiled to myself thinking , my father taught me much , but did not do much in the raising , even though I was constantly with him . Mother took credit for guiding me the last year , but I believe I did more about it than she . Did I mind ? No , I was well pleased about the position I found myself in at eighteen . The man I chose to replace me as mother 's escort , Pat Herkimer , was a few years older than she was . He had a reputation as a ladies ' man . This was my party turning me from boy to man . It also was my mother 's first date after taking off her widow 's apparel . He peered over his glasses at me when I approached him , " What have you in mind , son ? " " Mother has a large appetite for life . This was somewhat curtailed by my father 's dedication to his life 's work . She has substituted this lack of his attention by gathering a bunch of lonely women to her . She has felt like she was one of them . It is time she moved on . With your reputation as a ladies ' man , you can do it if anyone can . However , I must warn you , if you want to get very far with her , you will have to give up smoking cigars . She hates them . " " I will keep that in mind . Do not worry yourself about it . I 'll deal with that in my own way . " ( He did . I saw my mother light a cigar of her own less than a month later . ) I guess the four other women had scraped the bottom of the barrel for escorts . I will not embarrass them by naming any of them . Pat Herkimer and I carried the party and made it enjoyable for the women . Roma , my date , did her part by struggling through at least one dance with each of the other men . Mother led me aside as Roma was dancing with one of the other men . " Cecil , your date is a most charming young lady . Have you known her long ? " " Not possible . I believe she will be going far in her chosen field . I doubt I will be included . My life will be right here in this city . " I related this conversation to Roma during our next dance . " Cecil , please don 't tell your mother this is all an act for me , but I do feel comfortable in the role you have cast me . It is too bad I do not have the money to go to acting school . I could reach my goal so much sooner . I am in a touring stage company this summer . Maybe something will come of that . " " I would like that . You do know I will not be getting into bed with you . I like you a lot , but I can 't consider it . " Roma fulfilled her role admirably , she coming off as a sophisticated young woman a few years older than I . This solidified my mind about my date and I thought she just might make it as an actress . I would finance her quest to become an actress if it was called for . This is what I intended proposing to her . The evening wound down . Several of my mother 's friends had had enough and left early . Pat and mother were now constantly in each other 's arms . I was dividing my time between Roma and Constance Williams , mother 's closest friend . Constance 's date was a small , dumpy looking man about Constance 's height , named Georgy Cameron . This was a man who worked for her . I asked her about him . " He works for me in my knitting shop . He is a confirmed bachelor and a real nice person . We will not be working together much longer I am afraid , as I 'm just about bankrupt . You know my husband was sick for a long time . I loved my husband very much and his sickness drained the resources from my store . Cindy and I are hardly getting by . I guess I will have to give up and go out on the street and sell my body . " She paused and then laughed . " That is a sure way to starve . Look at my body , I am so skinny no one would buy it . I do get so horny though I could scream . " Again , she paused . " You don 't need to hear this , and I don 't know why I 'm telling you that much about me . I am just worried and lonely . You are such a nice young man and Sharon is my dear friend . " " That 's fine . If you would like , I could stop in for coffee sometime and listen some more . I am at loose ends now that school is completed and I might suggest something . Shall I come to your shop or to your home ? " " You really wouldn 't mind ? " I shook my head , no . " Come to my home this coming Wednesday about seven and let me cry about my life . Who knows I may get an inspiration how to improve things for myself . Cindy will not be there and I can let my hair down . Now you had better go grab your lovely date from Pat Herkimer . He is a ladies ' man and looks on any woman as a possible conquest . I do wish he was my date instead of Sharon 's . " She giggled and pushed me away . Roma noticed how quiet I was during the last dance . I replied , " It is nothing . After some research , though , it may turn into something more . Mother is leaving so let 's go along home . I will go by your place so you can get whatever you need . " " Thank you , Cecil . It will only take me a minute . " Roma lived in the poor part of the city . She lived with her mother who was seldom at home , being a leader of her neighborhood . I did not ask about Roma 's situation , as I did not want to make her uncomfortable . I did know more than I let on about her home life and it was not good . I could not help but do a bit of research on any subject , person or investment . I had devoted some time to Roma after we became friendly . We arrived at my apartment and I showed her the guest room . " You may want to take off your party clothes . I 'm going to change into something comfortable myself . " Twenty minutes later , we both entered the small sitting room that the apartment afforded . Roma had on a dress I had seen several times at school . It was quite faded . " No thank you . There has been too much alcohol in my family . I had an older brother who died driving drunk . I have never had a father that I can remember . I do not need a crutch of any form . If I make it as an actress , I 'll want to know what I 'm doing every minute of the day . " " If you can stick to that , you will be so far above your contemporaries . Alcohol and drugs can destroy your focus . Let 's discuss your future just a little . What are your intentions ? Be specific , because I 'm interested . " " I don 't have definite plans . The goal I am reaching for is to be an actress . Not just any actress , but an excellent one . You must know that I do not have a way to get there and reach the level of skill I hope to attain . I know it is going to take a lot of training and I do not know how I am going to pay for it . I 'm hoping to pick up a sponsor this summer that will help me while I 'm touring with the stage company . " " I 'm hoping the sponsor , if I find one , will be a woman . If it is not , I suppose I will have to settle for a man . I will just remind myself that I 'm playing a role . Actresses do that . It will be something I won 't enjoy , but if it furthers my career I can do it . " " I think I have faith that you will succeed in reaching your goals . I would like to invest in your future . Roma , I have just come of age . I have inherited some money and I think you will be a good risk . Listen to this , what if I paid your tuition and paid some of your board and room ? Would you give up a portion of your future income in return for my investing in this future you are going to have ? " " No sex . I want you to have the chance to be the best that you can be . If you do find what you need in a different sponsor , I will just be your backup . I will support you for two years . What my return on my investment would be ? I am thinking ten percent of all your future earnings after you graduate from acting school . You will be paying an agent at some point and they get fifteen percent . That will leave you seventy - five percent , which will be adequate if you are a success . " " Of course . You will not begin acting school until fall . For now , you should apply for admittance to some reputable institutions . If you are accepted , then will be the time to take me up on my offer . In the meantime , why don 't you stay here and use this address . " " Think nothing of it . I am just protecting my investment . Hey , it is late and I am tired . I 'll see you in the morning . Do you drink coffee ? " " There is a good kitchenette here and it should fulfill what we need to feed ourselves . I have coffee , but we need to go shopping . We will take care of that tomorrow . Goodnight , Roma . " I lay in bed thinking before I went to sleep . Most people would think I was crazy to advance money to someone who on the surface had so little prospects . Father had always said to research the stock you anticipated investing in thoroughly . Sometimes you had to go with your gut feeling . He cited Microsoft and Apple as examples . I did what I could in researching Roma . Her school marks were in the 96 percentile . She certainly was not boy crazy and she kept her proclivity for the same sex contained and hidden . What she had for a home life was terrible , but it did not seem to deter her from her goal of becoming an actress . She certainly did well in the school dramas where she usually had the lead in female roles . Her drama coach and the teachers who had produced the plays had only good things to say about her and she took direction well . Her beauty was such that I knew if she had the chance , the public would take her to heart as the new American darling . She was my friend and I wanted her to succeed . I also could afford to lose the money I invested if not all panned out . Father had also impressed on me not to buy something if you could not afford to lose it . I went for fresh bagels before Roma was up . When she smelled the coffee , she came and sat at the small table in the nook . She had on a ratty old robe , tied tightly around her . I poured coffee . " Good morning , Cecil . I slept well and had heavenly dreams last night . Oh , bagels , my favorite food . " I had chosen a pineapple cream cheese spread and she enjoyed that . We set about deciding what we would need for groceries . Neither of us proved to be big eaters and had no trouble making up a list . There was nothing exotic for food on the list , just healthy . When we went to the grocery , we chose a half chicken to roast in the oven for our dinner . We did not stock very much to eat , as Roma would be joining her stage company within a week . Roma began rehearsals before school let out . One play was stage ready , one was in rehearsals , and the third in their repertoire was being read now . Roma was to be the understudy for two of the female leads . I am sure as dedicated as she was , if anything happened to the lead , she would be ready . We had cucumber sandwiches for lunch and then later in the afternoon Roma went about preparing dinner . It was my mother at the door just before we sat down at the table . I was alone in the kitchen . " Cecil , I could smell food cooking . I finally realized it was coming from your apartment . I won 't interrupt . " " No , I 'm the same age . Maybe Cecil neglected to tell you , but I am aspiring to become an actress . I was playing a role last night . Actually I am a few days younger than he is . " " Not in the sense that you suggest . However , I do love him for what he is doing for me . He is helping me with my career . I am staying here this week and then I am going on the road . I belong to a stage company . We are showcasing one play before we leave . May I get you a ticket for Friday night ? " " I 'm sorry , but I have other plans . I am sure you will do well . I say this remembering how you pulled off looking so mature last night . " " Please join us . " Over dinner , we conversed . " Mother , tell me what you thought of your escort of last evening for dinner and dancing . " Mother flushed bright red at mention of Pat Herkimer . " Cecil , I thoroughly enjoyed myself . In fact , Pat has asked me for a date . He claims he always admired me while I was married to your father . He also tells me when you approached him to be my escort , it was like a dream come true for him . " " That 's fine . You should begin to go out . After all , you are a relatively young woman . Your past and its responsibilities to me are now behind you . You can take up living again . " Mother looked from Roma to me . I answered , " Mother , we are just friends . I 'm helping Roma over a rough spot in her life that is all . " Roma explained just a little more . " Mrs . Corliss , Cecil is opening a door for me that I couldn 't open alone . I have a partial scholarship and he is helping with the remainder . I love him for that , and he is not asking for more . We are so young , we feel it is too early for any kind of relationship . " " I think that is so wise . Young people today seem to want everything immediately . " Mother did not stay long and Roma excused herself to study her lines . I wrote up at Roma 's request , what she and I had agreed to , not really knowing if it would hold up in a court of law . I admit I was taking her on faith , but I did believe she would follow through . I complied with her wishes when she told me to write it down . I could still hear her practicing her lines as I shut the door to my bedroom . Roma had breakfast prepared when I came out of my room in the morning . " Cecil I could concentrate so well last night . I can remember my lines better when thoughts of my home life do not intrude . I 'll be ready for Thursday night 's final rehearsal in plenty of time . " I smiled at how happy Roma was . I dropped her off at the playhouse and pressed cab fare into her hand for her ride home . She said she did not know what time , but that was okay with me . I went by Constance 's knitting shop to see what her situation was . She was not there , just her date of Saturday evening . I asked Georgy to show me around and explain things to me . The store was definitely lacking in inventory and had space for 70 % more stock than at present . There was another room off the main shop that was used for storage . It was now empty . What impressed me was the location of the store . It was a small separate building close to a shopping mall . Leaving there , I went to another shop across town and looked around , asking many of the same questions as I had of Constance 's clerk . There was a young woman with colored hair for an employee . She was chewing and snapping her gum waiting on the customers . I could see her appearance turned the older patrons off . Next , I went into an appliance store and asked questions about sewing machines and knitting machines . The manager in that place was very helpful . By noon I was home perusing the Internet , searching for prices on the various items I had inquired about . I also made several phone calls to get a sense of what these same items would cost at wholesale . Tuesday I worked up a proposal for Constance . During this time , I barely saw Roma , as she was very involved in her acting . I did make sure there was salad and sandwich materials for her to have when she came home from the playhouse . I did sit with her and drive her there after we had coffee and bagels in the morning . Wednesday evening I knocked on Constance 's door presenting myself at the time we had agreed . " Cecil , I can 't believe you came to listen to me tell you my troubles . Come in . I had hopes you would , so I do have soda on hand . " Connie went to the refrigerator and got me a Pepsi . I began the conversation . " So tell me in detail what your problems are . I think I can guess most of them and I have a few observations . I did go into your shop on Monday and talk with Georgy for a few minutes . " " I am . I do not have enough stock to sell to make ends meet . The profit on the stock I have will not go far . I am behind on my lease of the building . I even have a hard time buying groceries for Cindy and myself . She would like to have friends in for a sleepover , but I can 't afford to do that , as I can 't afford snacks . She is good and understands , but I hate to deny her . She volunteers afternoons in the shop without pay and that bothers me having to ask her . " " I 'd estimate it at about $ 30 , 000 , but I doubt I could sell it for that . It was worth at least $ 55 , 000 before my husband became ill . I need $ 15 , 000 to bring my stock level up to where I can make a profit . I have almost $ 4 , 000 in back bills on top of that , so I need $ 20 , 000 to survive . " " I would . I have some money to invest . I think I could get a good return on my money . Better than the 1 . 5 % that it is drawing now . " " Very much so . I have some figures we can go over . Understand that I will be in this to make my money work and generate a good return on my investment . From what I have seen , you are a good manager besides being the owner . I imagine Georgy is due for a raise . We will have to advertise just as if someone new purchased the business . That will be to make the public aware you are expanding and have an exceptionally full inventory . " " No . I only want half of the business . I will give you $ 30 , 000 for half interest . I will also invest another $ 30 , 000 in a new line of inventory . This is to be paid back out of the future profits , plus 6 % interest . There are a couple other things I would like you to listen to and I will present them if you agree to my purchasing half the business . " Connie and I both agreed to this proposal and skipped to what else I wanted . She was anxious to see what else I had in mind . " What other things are you talking about ? " " Let 's sign the papers on the business first . I had a lawyer draw them up this morning . They are just as I said . I am not about to con a woman who is a widow , but I do have a couple of stipulations . This is just so I can learn the business while working in the store for a month or so . After all , I am the half owner and should know it all . This will be for just a short period and then I will resign from the store . Also I want to stipulate that I remain as your silent partner . " I looked directly into Connie 's face . " Yes , but this is strictly personal and you don 't have to agree to any of what I am proposing . You said at the party last week that you were , and I quote , ' horny as hell . ' I would very much like to capitalize on that situation . You see I am still a virgin . I would like to change that . I would like to hire you to educate me in the ways of sex and I am willing to pay for the education . " " It would if you looked at it in that context . Looking at it as if you were teaching , say English , and your students were willing and tried hard and were dedicated , would you categorize that teacher a whore ? She gets paid . " " You wouldn 't have to . Cindy had a college fund that you had to drain to pay for your husband 's illness . I heard you tell my mother how it bothered you . I would replace it with a like amount . You wouldn 't have to even know about it . " " I could be convinced we never had this conversation . " There was a long pause . Connie moved around as if she was uncomfortable . Maybe she was . I awaited the outcome . " Christ Cecil , who are you ? I am doing everything you want me too . Yes , and if you could know how I feel right now , you would know I am anticipating becoming your teacher . Cindy will not be home . Do you want to start your lessons tonight ? " " I 'm in your hands , Ms . Williams . " I used the Ms . rather than Mrs . to delineate her widowed situation and show her that I felt her attractive as a person and as a teacher . Was I too subtle ? I did not think so when I received a broad smile and she took my hand to lead me to the room that had a bed . This became my classroom . I arrived home a much different person just as Roma was pouring coffee . She thought I was still in my room sleeping in and was getting ready to rouse me . She examined my face . " It is about time . By the looks of your face , you have found there is a way to find a little more joy in life . Congratulations . " " Thank you . I think I had better plan to take a taxi . I 'll call for one . " There was a smirk on Roma 's face as she closed the door when the cab honked for her . I was almost too tired to notice . I did meet Connie 's daughter , Cindy , when I started hanging out in the store Friday morning . She was a pretty girl , more so than her mother had ever been . Connie came up to me Saturday before closing . " Cecil , you are showing much interest in the store 's operation . Would you like to work here ? I have secured some financing to increase my inventory . I feel I am able to hire a new clerk now as we will soon be busy . " This conversation was all for Georgy and Cindy 's benefit as Connie and I had agreed what tack we would take beforehand . I declared I thought I would like to come to work here . She continued , " Will you stay over a little while tonight and I will show some more of how we keep track of our inventory , ordering of new , etc . We may even be able to sell to other stores at a discount . Our profit will be smaller , but should be more stable . " He was disappointed , but Connie was the boss . I suspected he also was in love with her . " As you wish , Connie . " When Connie locked the door after the last customer and Georgy left , we were immediately in a clinch . " Christ Cecil , you have been like a disease to me and I have caught it . You do not know how hard it has been to act normal around you . I 'm on fire , and I need you to put it out . " Sex this night was a little more difficult as we had no bed , but we were able to make do . Connie declared , " I 'm ordering a daybed Monday . It should be set up by next weekend . By the way , Cindy is going to be absent from home both Tuesday and Thursday this coming week . Does that give you any ideas ? " Last Wednesday night was behind me . I felt more confident and Connie certainly was an excellent teacher . Yes , and I could read her feelings and adjust to what she wanted . She deserved from me to give my all . I owned half her company now didn 't I ? " I was feeling a little constricted on Monday . Georgy caught me once for a minute when there were no customers . " You didn 't work yesterday . How come ? We do a lot of our sales on Sunday . " " I wish I had one . I do not know as I really mind . To tell the truth , I like it when she and I are here alone . " " God no , she would fire me for being presumptuous . That is not admitting that I do love her , of course . Look at me , I am overweight and kind of dumpy looking . She 'd laugh me right out the door if I spoke up . " " Maybe you don 't have to come right out and tell her . Do it by making suggestions on how to improve the store . I am going to be moving on in a few weeks . There will have to be someone to replace me . The store will need even one more clerk soon after that if the business picks up as I think it will . " Ask Connie to make you the store manager . Make some suggestions about buying more advertising . You know what works . Look around , see if the store needs new counters or equipment , and point that out . She has financing available . " In the meantime , start watching your diet . Go to the gym . Practice some new dance steps so when you ask her for a date you can wow her on the floor . That would be one way to get to hold her in your arms . Don 't forget to ask for a kiss when you take her home . " " I can 't do that . You did not know her husband . He was tall and well proportioned . I am most certainly the opposite of him . There is no chance for me . " " Don 't sell yourself short as far as Connie is concerned . She is now older and less pretty from caring for her husband . Her chances of finding love are diminished greatly . She tells me she has secured unlimited financing to rebuild her business . Step in and help build the business with her . I would say you have an excellent chance with her . " " Make her . Become more of a take - charge kind of person . Say , I know what would be a good beginning . Demand in front of her that I address you as George instead of Georgy . Soon she will as well . " " I am far too young for her , and she is aware of how her friends would look at her if she took up with someone as young as me . Besides , I do not plan to work here very long . I 'll leave the playing field wide open for you . " " You can do it . I have faith in you . Now remember , demand in front of Connie that I address you as George . She will be in soon , so don 't hesitate for long . " An hour later , we put this little ploy into play , and Connie looked at George with some surprise , but did not say anything . As the shop closed for the day , she said , " Good night George , business has been better hasn 't it ? More like it used to be . " Tuesday night Connie and I only paid attention to why we were meeting . We did not mention the business , because we were too busy . I was staying with Connie for a shorter session every time we met . That was fine with me . I was working everyday and I was planning more investments . When I was with Connie , I was involved with her to the exclusion of everything else . Connie whispered to me before I left the shop that she wanted to talk to me concerning the business when we met in the evening . This would be the fourth time we had met . I do believe I had the basics of how to perform in the bedroom down pretty well . No , I did not consider myself an expert , but Connie was loudly exclaiming her pleasure . We started out fast and furious and soon were both satiated . Connie said , " Cecil , I have been so long without a lover , this has been total pleasure for me . How long are you going to want lessons from me ? " " Damn it Cecil , if you were a little older I would go after you for a husband . You certainly are mature beyond your years , but if I did , my friends would disown me . I 'm thinking of your mother , of course . " " Connie , I do love you , but as a friend for a friend . Let 's leave it at that . We both have gained something from our meetings . " Connie kissed me soundly and made a date to meet on Monday of next week . " Cecil , George came to me and asked to be made the manager of the store . He said I was working too hard and he wanted to relieve me of some of the more mundane details . What do you think ? " " George seems more forceful , somehow . I asked him to stay over tonight , but he claimed he had an appointment at the gym down the street . Was that your suggestion as well ? " " Yes . Remember , I have purchased one - half of the business . When customers come in , they look to see what the clerks are like . I figured George would help the business if he acted more in charge . He has a good mind and can explain the new knitting machines better than anyone else except you . You won 't be present all of the time . " " Maybe . Also , remember I am very young and I am a little worried if my investments are going to do well . It was just a thought that is all . " " I do believe you are on track to succeed in life . Now , I have taught you about sex . Let me show you about love . I am going to miss you terribly you know when you leave . Stay another two hours , if you can 't stay the night . " I did stay for a few more hours . I was not aware of this at the time , but staying later this night was to have consequences . I slept late in the morning , as I did not have to be at the store until afternoon . I realized I could smell coffee so Roma must be here . I was right as she was sitting in the kitchenette . " Good morning , Cecil , another one of those nights ? " " I 'm sorry . I was not prying and I certainly do not want any details . I was making small talk . I said that instead of commenting on how tired you looked . " " That is okay . I am just not awake yet . I need coffee . Thanks for brewing some . " I said this as I was pouring a mug full . " So , what are you doing home ? How are your fellow actors doing ? " " The troupe is doing great . I am home working on the third play while the tour goes on . I now have the part of a major supporting role . I will be going for rehearsals every day for the next week . Two weeks from tomorrow we open downtown at the playhouse . " Roma was excited . She paused and then said , " Cecil , I want to thank you for making this all possible for me . " " You have done much more than you realize . I have a decent place to call home . You are not hitting on me all of the time . I run into that constantly . My mom is doing better because I am not living with her . She wants to be a good mom , but she feels so guilty when I am around because she hates for me to see what she has become . She does not realize that I love her no matter what . " " I know you would , but she won 't leave her neighborhood . Actually , she is the neighborhood . Cecil , what do you know about the Roma people ? Actually , I 'm sure you know I 'm speaking of Gypsies . " " You are so right . Actually , they are like the American Indians in one respect . If they can gain something for nothing or put something over on somebody , it makes them looked up to by their peers . Money as such does not mean too much to most of us . We do have leaders among us and some of them are rich . The rest of us rarely see any benefits . We all are expected to contribute , though . " " I will be expected to . What would really raise me in the people 's estimation is to use you for my education and then not pay you back . So be warned . " Roma smiled disarmingly . " No , I will play it straight with you . I will tell you why . Mama is a princess , but only a small one . She sees both sides of our people . She is tired of people looking down on us and the filth and squalor we live in . She says we are just a bunch of beggars , panhandlers and worse . Our people are believed to have as high , or a higher percentage of crooks as any other ethnic group . She wants me to break the chain . She and I act as if we are estranged , but I will tell you that is not the case at all . I love her and she loves me . " " You can 't , not now anyway . Maybe someday in the future . Cecil , I looked at my mail when I got here last evening . I have acceptance at two different schools of acting . I have to make a decision which one to choose . Both are well reputed . One is more expensive than the other . " I broke in , " Expense is of no consideration . If it is the one in New York , you should choose that one . I have been checking out living quarters close to all three schools where you applied . In New York , there is a room in a house near the school . A widow who was a friend of my father 's lives there . I stayed in it a few times when her husband was alive . She would love to have a young woman using it . She was thrilled that I remembered staying there when I was younger . It was at her suggestion when I was inquiring about finding you a place to stay . " I grinned , " I 'm just protecting my investment . When you get a day off , we will go to New York and you can tour the school and I will have you meet her . " Tears were in Roma 's eyes when she thanked me . Cindy Williams started work full time for her mother in the knitting shop on the next Monday . She was going to be a real beauty as she matured . Connie told me Cindy took after her father 's side of the family . Where we had been friendly at first , now suddenly Cindy acted as if she hated me . Never did she have a civil word for me . Connie soon realized there was friction between the two of us . She spoke to her daughter about it . " Cindy , I can 't help how you feel , but you will treat him with respect while he is here . He has already given his notice and will be here only two more weeks . I warn you that he is always welcome anytime , so dispel the thought of ever seeing the last of him . " George was puzzled hearing how Cindy felt toward me . " I can 't understand it . The girl has always been so sweet to everyone and even you at first . " " Don 't worry about it . I 'll stay away from her as much as I can . " Connie apologized how her daughter 's dislike of me had manifested itself . This marred my last tryst with Connie . " Connie , she isn 't here with us . For tonight , please put it out of your mind . I want to make our last time together enjoyable . " " I guess you are right . Cecil , you must know I love you , but I know that continuing this part of our relationship would be unwise . We do have to meet occasionally to discuss business , though . " " I know and that is what I was thinking . " She paused before saying , " George asked me for a date for this Saturday . I put him off , but I 'm going to tell him yes . " She looked at me . " Connie , I 'm going to be a little bit jealous , but George is certainly more suited to you than I am . I have not been able to ask you out on a date because of our age difference . Convention should not dictate , but it does . That is sad . " " I know , but in this case it is the best for both of us . " We snuggled together for a nap . I was home by two in the morning . I knew I was going to miss my teacher ! I liked the lessons , too . |
When Anya woke up she was surprised to find she had company . It took her a moment to remember what had happened the night before . Sherdan was fast asleep beside her and she didn 't want to wake him . She grinned as she thought of what people might say if they saw the two of them in that moment . It looked like they had done more than sleep beside each other . Her body still hurt in a lot of different places but she was also thankful . The worst two and a half days of her life so far were over . She was a little angry at Sherdan but God wanted her here until she had seen the prophecy . The first few days she had been in Sherdan 's house were a little blurry . She remembered the doctor and how nice he was , and seeing Sherdan at meal times but the rest was a sleepy haze . There was no way of knowing how long she was going to be here but she felt calm and peaceful . She 'd had a few nightmares in the last few days but they were soon stopped by praying . At the moment she felt strangely safe . She didn 't like being alone so much , however and very quietly settled back down beside Sherdan . While she waited she studied his peaceful features . It had been a pleasant change to talk to him rather than argue . Anya prayed for him . He had told her about the drug he 'd made and that he planned to follow his science experiment wherever it led . She knew he disapproved of her faith , but liked how peaceful she was . At this particular moment in time he appeared the most peaceful . " It 's okay . I did too . I think it 's the first time I 've shared my bed with someone since I was five . " " I 'm honoured to be the first . " Sherdan grinned . Anya blushed again . " I 've got to go , do you want breakfast ? " She looked away . She was starving but couldn 't give in at the last minute . Sherdan got up and went to the door . He left her and she sighed . All his barriers had come back up this morning . For a little while he had let her beneath his cool calculated exterior and told her about himself . Sherdan was a very intelligent man and extremely logical . He connected two different things very quickly and had a great deal of intuition . It was a shame he had such loose morales . Anya wandered slowly around the room . Her toes were the only part of her still bandaged but every other wound was healing well . She thought it was pretty impressive considering how little she had eaten , although she had rested plenty to try and make up for it . When it came time for lunch she curled up on the bed again . She didn 't want Sherdan to see how much better she was just yet . He brought her a tray of food as usual . She sighed and opened her mouth to tell him she wouldn 't eat but as he put the tray on the bed beside her she noticed there were also two books . She gasped . " You are right . You 're going to be here a while . As long as I want you here in fact . I figured there wouldn 't ever be anyone else you can tell . " " You 're welcome . Now I have a lot of preparations to make , this evening is a big evening . I will leave you to your reading . " Anya grabbed both books as she beamed . She tucked the Bible under her pillow and flicked open the second . There , in Sherdan 's handwriting , was the prophecy . She glanced over it , checking it was authentic and then tucked into the plate of food . She then sat back and let her food digest for a bit . It had been so long since her last meal that her stomach hurt . She sighed ; her mission for God was almost complete . Sherdan had a little bounce to his walk as he made his way down the steps . It had made sense to let her see the prophecy and start eating . He wanted her to stick around for a long time and she really wouldn 't be telling anyone else . In less than twelve hours any chance of her ever escaping would be drastically reduced . He went straight to his security guards . They confirmed that all the preparations for the evening were complete and Sherdan went over to his command bunker . All the changes would need to be coordinated from one place and all the residents informed . Today was the first step for his organisation to act as a separate entity and was a day Sherdan had been looking forward to for many years . Hitchin had predicted it and now it was coming to pass . Their plans would pick up pace from this moment and there would be no stopping them . Everyone waited for Sherdan in the command bunker and greeted him when he joined them . There was a tense silence before he gave his first few orders . The visible changes would need to be deployed in a quick and orderly manner . As progress was made a buzz of excitement grew and continued to grow until Sherdan picked up the microphone and addressed everyone within the organisation . " Hello everyone , may I have your attention for a moment ? I have promised all of you a better future where you are all valued . This evening we take the next step in that future . Tonight we will be putting up barriers on every road and path into our land . No one will be allowed in unless invited by us . For the next while we would ask that all residents also stay within those barriers to minimise the workload of the guards and security . Congratulations everyone ! " " All teams move into position . In a few minutes we 'll be going into action , " the commander , Graham , said into his radio . The security teams were all heading up the changes and policing the barriers . To start with there would just be simple road blocks and signs but they had all the resources needed for much more secure blocks if necessary . Sherdan smiled and sat listening as everything he had planned was executed . The teams all placed their barriers and signs with quick efficiency . The only hiccup was a car that had driven onto their land as a cut through before any barriers had been placed and needed to be let out at the other end . Thankfully it was late on boxing day and not many people were out on the roads . The following day would be a different story . It was a working day and he had closed off a lot of roads . This day had been in planning a long time , however , and Sherdan had made sure no major roads were closed off . He wanted to make a point , not start a disagreement . Of course , the many extra abilities helped . Each one was unique and fitted in well . There was one woman who could turn plants , fruits and vegetables that were decaying back into perfectly healthy food again . One initiate could control the weather within a small range although he still needed a little more practice . Sometimes it hailed when he tried to make it rain . When Sherdan had satisfied himself that everything was going according to plan he decide to take a walk back to his home with a few detours around the land . No sooner had he left the compound than he was approached by a resident . The man shook Sherdan 's hand and had a large grin on his face . " That 's a wonderful ability . I 'm sure it will be very useful over the next few weeks and months . Only three days ago I think , in an email I was given , I was informed that there were concerns over keeping the winter greenhouse hot enough . I will reply and inform the lady of your ability . " Everywhere he went he was stopped by people wanting to congratulate him or offer their support . The general air of excitement buzzed around the entire area . To add to the fun , just as he began to head back to his own house the first few flakes of snow fell . He smiled and radioed for his car so he could return to Anya and a late supper together . By Jess This is another Matt Damon film I watched recently . I kinda like the actor and figured this one might be worth watching , especially after finding out the makers also made the ocean 's films . I really liked those . I was slightly missled by the trailor for this film . The trailor played on all the comedic aspects of the film while the film itself was a little more serious . It was still funny , don 't get me wrong but there was a serious underlying tone that took away from the full comedy . Over a lot of the film there was the main character 's thoughts . These were often quite random and bizarre . I wasn 't sure it would be something that worked through the whole film but actually I found them to be a great insight into the chracter . It was a bit like the advantage of reading a book in knowing what the character thinks but in film form . The plot itself was based on a true story though the makers had evidently embelished some points and took great delight in telling us so . This film is definitely a case for the statement that the truth is stranger than fiction . It was really a very strange story but also very compelling . In terms of Matt Damon I think this was possibly one of his best roles yet . It was brilliant to see him doing something other than bourne - alikes . It was getting a little old to keep seeing him cast in this stereotype . I know he did bourne well but this was a very different role and he also did a good job . The actor has gone up in my estimation thanks to this . If he keeps it up he just might hit my favourite list . Over the last few months I 've noticed an increased amount of comments both here and on places like facebook when I link to my blogs and I 'm really not complaining . It 's nice that you 're all reading and saying stuff back . I have noticed though that you 're all male . I 've only ever had two comments from a female over the lifetime of my blogging that I might be able to consider from a regular reader . I have to admit I 'm completely baffled by this . I at first thought that maybe the females were just lurking and not commenting so asked a few females of my acquaintance whether they were reading the blog so far they have all said no , admittedly I don 't have many females in my general friendship group . I 'm not particularly feminine at the best of times and grew up with three brothers so didn 't spend much time as a child playing with dolls or make up . I do wonder if it 's maybe a more male thing to go reading other peoples blogs , however . More of the males I know have blogs . In fact until recently I didn 't know any females at all with one . Maybe men just prefer the not so in your face way to express themselves and get to know other people where as women prefer face to face interaction . So what do my readers think ? Is it me and my style that isn 't engaging the females or is it blogs in general ? Either way any suggestions to get more female readers ? Sugar 's Dance is my newly released novel set in the Twin Ports of Lake Superior . It 's a journey of grief , forgiveness and love in a romance suspense genre . The protagonist , Sugar , is at a point in her life where she can no longer keep pretending that she isn 't hurting from an accident that took her family and left her with deep physical and emotional loss . She knows that she has to figure out a way to move forward with her life emotionally before she is lost to the overwhelming sadness . The story opens as she sits on her front porch swing sipping coffee trying to put her jumbled thoughts in order . She had just spent the summer with a couple that had come to stay at her lodge for their wedding and she was missing them . Her brother arrives and in the blink of an eye she is thrown into a protected witness type situation with her new bodyguard , which is not something that she is comfortable with . She is being hunted by a drug lord who kidnapped his daughter and son - in - law ( the couple who stayed with her for the summer ) who were actually protected witnesses of the state . She must find the information that he wants and get through the anniversary of her parent 's deaths without falling apart . Her bodygaurd , Agent Walsh , holds her on the dance floor he quickly sees that this case is going to be anything but simple . As he works with her to track down the information he also breaks down her emotional walls and finds out what she 's really hiding . When her brother is kidnapped and her life is in danger will she find the strength to save them both ? I 'm not really sure if it 's a quirk , but I don 't write in order of chapters . I write scenes and then form the book around the scenes . In Sugar 's Dance I wrote the bridge scene first and that was the inspiration for the rest of the book . As I write the second book , Sugar 's Song , I am finding myself doing the same . The big scenes are telling the story , but the smaller scenes are developing because of the bigger scenes . The character provides the initial spark and the scene provides the flame . When I wrote the first scene of Sugar 's Dance I was already friends with Sugar , but I needed that one thing that fueled her and made her into the flame . When I drove across the Blatnik Bridge that spans Lake Superior for the first time I heard the match strike . It was that " a ha ! " moment for me . It was the first scene I wrote in Sugar 's Dance , even though the reader doesn 't come across it for a few chapters . I just finished that " a ha ! " scene in the next book of the series , Sugar 's Song , and I can tell you that again the reader isn 't going to come across it for a good way into the book , but it sparked off the whole adventure . I have a special love for the protagonist Sugar . Like Sugar , I love coffee and ballroom dancing ! She is also passionate about the things that she believes in like organ donation and family . Sugar is her own person , but a lot of my life experiences are entwined in her character . I can relate to her on a very real level because we both have physical disabilities that have shaped our lives . I am a below knee amputee and Sugar is , well , let 's just say you will have to read the book to find out what they are ! Her brother Jesse is someone I can relate to as well . In the story her brother ( who is actually not her brother ) is someone who would do anything to help her through this time that she is going through . He is deeply protective of her as well as very supportive of her . They have the kind of relationship where they can just be themselves with each other , the good , the bad and the ugly and would do anything for each other . As I developed his character my brother was playing through my mind and my relationship with him . We live far apart but we both know that if one of us needed something we 'd be there in a heartbeat . My brother is a lot like Jesse in that he 's tough and all manly on the outside , but when it comes to the women in his life he is tender and understanding . Characters are very important to me . You can have the best plot line in the world , but if the reader can 't relate to the character , if the character isn 't believable , then it 's useless . The characters in Sugar 's Dance came very easily . They were like old friends , people that I have known my whole life . The fun part is revealing who they are throughout the book and once in a while throwing something in the reader doesn 't expect or showing some side of them that suddenly makes the reader go " a ha ! " I love to build my characters and my kids love to help me build my characters . We have a lot of ' sessions ' talking about the characters and how they are going to progress or for the new characters who they are going to be and what makes them tick . The other day my husband even told me he had a great idea for the villain in my new book ! For me character development is the best part of being a writer . I honestly don 't remember when I started writing . I have always loved books and I loved how words went together and how you could start off with a clean sheet of paper and as you wrote your pencil became duller and duller , but when you finished you had something that could make someone feel happy , sad , lonely or angry . My parents always had us at the library and reading and exploring and so I think my interest came from holding a book in my hand and saying " Someday my name is going to be on one of these . " When my son was born we always called him Spaghedward and I wrote my first official book when he was about two . It 's called Spaghetti Eddie and it 's a children 's book . I haven 't published it because I need to find an illustrator , but that was my first kind of foray into writing as an adult . I write now because I enjoy it . I enjoy sitting down and telling a story that can raise so many emotions throughout the course of the book . I enjoy the character development the most and how with each turn of the page the reader gets deeper and deeper into that character 's life and what makes them tick . I hear from the readers that Sugar 's Dance keeps them up at night with the " one more page " syndrome . When I hear that then I know that I did my job of drawing the reader into her life as they walk along with her on the journey . I think reading is the only way to become a good writer . Writing is one of those things where they can teach you the fundamentals in school of how it SHOULD be done , but that doesn 't mean that 's how it HAS to be done . I still needed to read all the different genres and really figure out how the words go together and to use combinations of words and punctuation to imply tone and get across to the reader exactly what those characters are feeling . I had great teachers all through my school career who started us journaling and just let us write free and really encouraged us . Some kids hated it , but for me it was a good way to let my imagination be free . So reading definitely influenced me as a writer and shaped who I am as a writer . As mentioned I am working on the second book in the series called Sugar 's Song . We are going to get to know one of the minor characters a lot more , but I can 't say much more than that because it will give away a lot from the first book . It will also take place in the Duluth / Cloquet area and there will be some fun tie - ins from the first book . I have a third planned as well , but that one will deviate a little in location . By Jess Sherdan slept very well that night . Things had not gone amazingly with Anya but he had all the time he wanted with her . She would remain his prisoner as long as he wanted . He beamed when he thought of all the new applicants . The lady processing them , Janet , had asked for some more help . He had assigned her another worker who had a very special ability of being able to work out what was and wasn 't true in written words . It wouldn 't make their job go too much quicker but it would help . His first task of the new day was planning his next move . He already had an idea of what it would be , as he did for many years to come . There were always new situations and scenarios to be taken into account , however . Planning for the future was a constant mix of preparation and adjustment . He went to see Anya again while he ate lunch but she slept through all the time he could spare to wait . He grew concerned when he noticed that she still hadn 't eaten anything . It was now her fourth day in his compound without food . He thought there might be something in the man 's sweat that separated things . If so they would have their water problem solved . They would be able to recycle all of their waste water . Of course , they would only need to do as much as they required to supplement the supply they already had and at the moment their supply was enough . " Hello , " she said when she saw him . She looked better than she had the day before . Her eye wasn 't so puffy and swollen and she had washed her hair . He smiled at her and came over . " I won 't eat again until I 've seen that prophecy . " Sherdan sat down again . She didn 't stop looking at him . Nothing this girl said ever seemed to be normal to him . He wasn 't used to being surprised by anyone . " Don 't be . It means I can lock young women in bedrooms without the complication of explaining myself to a relative . Only four people know you are here and one of those is your doctor . " She nodded , taking in the implied meaning . He was surprised how calm she remained . Other than her insistence to see the prophecy she hadn 't shown any sign of objection . He 'd half expected her to attempt to break the door down . Their conversation didn 't go any further as the doctor arrived to do another check up . He changed all Anya 's bandages and checked over her bruises . He was pleased with her progress , although he reiterated to Sherdan that she needed clothes . The following morning when Sherdan took her breakfast she again refused to eat and asked to see the prophecy . He said no . Lunch was the same , and dinner . When Sherdan reminded her she hadn 't eaten in five days she looked thoughtful . They had found that the people living here were generally happier if they could get involved with the future of the organisation . A sense of belonging in their new family and life was important . Hitchin and Sherdan spent a long time discussing where abilities could be useful to make sure people could be involved . " Jeremy , so good to see you . How is your daughter ? Did she get her degree result reviewed ? " Sherdan asked politely . Jeremy , the chief of police shook his hand . " Fantastic . I did hope it would all get resolved . " Sherdan smiled . He had arranged it . The lecturer had managed to find the young woman some extra marks and the employer had gone to school with Sherdan . " What does it matter if I see ? I 'm locked in this room and you 've told me that I 'll never leave . What would be the harm in showing me ? " Sherdan didn 't reply but walked over to the window . " No , He won 't let me die . He 'll either keep me alive or tell me I can stop fasting . " Sherdan looked at her again . She was so calm but evidently very tired . He didn 't understand her faith . After a pause she looked away . As soon as Sherdan had left Anya he went to his security team . Nathan was at the desk . Sherdan passed on Anya 's request for her own clothes and asked him to find out her address and fetch all of the clothes in her house . He wasn 't going to tell her that he 'd done as she asked , just show up with them one day . Sherdan hadn 't noticed the date and had forgotten all about Christmas . He would have to remind Hitchin that they had agreed to spend the day together . He also promptly informed the guards that they could have the day off as well . By the end of the afternoon Sherdan had approved a total of two hundred more people for the program and added almost another thousand to the waiting list . All the preparations for the next stage of his plan were ready and would go into action before the twenty - seventh . Hitchin had been reminded to come for Christmas dinner and Anya 's clothes had been fetched . It was Christmas eve and he knew of no where he wanted to spend it more than in Anya 's company . He took her dinner and her clothes . She thanked him for the clothes and he begged her to eat with him . She refused . Sherdan lost his temper . Sherdan glared at her but she sat at the top of the four poster bed calmly waiting . He picked up her dinner tray and left the room with it slamming the door as he did . He turned the key with a lot more fervour than was needed . Anya was so stubborn and difficult to talk to . He wanted to get to know her and she didn 't want to talk about anything but the stupid prophecy . Sherdan caught himself in the middle of his thought . He had never been so sure he wanted to get closer to somebody and this surprised him . He had no idea what was different about this girl . He didn 't love her . He hardly knew her . When he had finished tidying up the kitchen he went through to his study to have a nightcap before sleeping . He noticed Anya crying on the TV monitor as soon as he was in the room . He sat and watched her cry herself to sleep while he drank his brandy . Christmas day dawned bright and sunny . There wasn 't any snow although they had already had some earlier in the winter . Sherdan had been up less than half an hour when Hitchin arrived , giving Sherdan no time to see Anya . He was soon talking to Hitchin about some of his issues , although he was guarded in what he said . Without being able to explain why , he didn 't want his friend to think Anya meant more than she did . He didn 't tell Hitchin that much about her although he did talk about her dream . " It is possible she had some purpose in our plans somewhere but I wouldn 't worry yourself about her . She is locked here right where you want her . She won 't be leaving . Don 't fret if she 's uncooperative now . She 'll come around in time , " Hitchin reassured him . They spent the rest of the day together amiably chatting and hardly noticed the time go by . Hitchin was the only person he spent large quantities of time with . They talked for so long that it was almost midnight by the time Sherdan was left alone . Anya had been forgotten about and unvisited all day . He rushed up the stairs to see if she was still awake , forgetting to check the security camera first . He turned the key quietly and opened the door with as little noise as he could manage to not disturb her if she had already fallen asleep . He was pleased to find her wide awake and standing at the window staring at the night outside . " I was watching for snow , " she said as if that explained everything . Sherdan just nodded . " I haven 't ever had a white Christmas so I pray for one every year . There 's not really anything left of today though . " Sherdan still didn 't say anything . She hadn 't moved from the window and he took the time to admire her . She was wearing some black jeans and a loose fitting smock top . She looked a little hippy with her bare feet . " Did you have a good Christmas ? " she asked , giving him her full attention at last . He nodded and walked further into the room . She sat down on the edge of the bed . " I think that can be arranged , " Sherdan smiled . She hadn 't asked to see the prophecy and had actually said something conversational . Hitchin was right . Time would achieve everything he wanted and she would live here on his land for the rest of her life if he wanted her to . She moved over on the bed to make room for him . He smiled and sat down beside her . She soon struck up a conversation with him about past Christmas memories and hopes for the new year . Over the next couple of hours they talked of everything from politics to money and careers . They were almost polar opposites in everything . He was a scientist , she an artist . She had a large family , he had hardly any . It 's really not a book for the fainthearted . It 's very long and in a very traditional english style ( it was written about 200 years ago ) . I have to admit I struggled through the first third or so of the book wondering how on earth something so wordy and in places a little dull managed to make it out of a publishing house . It 's very different to the standard of books we have now . Most people would be very bored with the overwhelming amounts of description ( I skim read a lot of those paragraphs ) and a little bored with the slow pace of the plot too . However , the book painted it 's characters wonderfully and is by far it 's saving grace . Every person was so detailed and well suggested that by the time I 'd laboured through the first few chapters I was actually keenly interested in what was going to happen . I 'm not sure I 'd have been so desirous to find out if Edmond Dantes found his happiness had I seen the film but I hadn 't and it definitely meant I was hooked . I have to admit I got to the end and my favourite character was rather unexpected . I decided I liked a little greek slave called Haidee the best but I won 't say anymore than that . She was delightful but to say more would give the plot away . I bought one of these when they were first released back in December . Since then I 've been logging my payments . Here 's the dates and amounts so far . I know there are two anomoly weeks . The really really low one just after christmas day and then the really high one the week after . On average they are still higher than normal . I imagine not many people play in the time running up to christmas and as there is a yearly event in the game during the following week I Imagine it accounts for the high right after ( and I 'd assume the two weeks affect each other in terms of economics stuff as well ) . I know that seems a long time away but it 's not too bad at all and I 've noticed that Entropia has more players than it did 3 months ago , something that seems to be increasing steadily as well . On top of that over half the deeds have now sold which fits my initial predictions that they will all be gone by 6 months . As they run out as long as demand holds the deeds will still be worth a $ 100 or so to pass on to another player and may even go up in value if demand continues after they 've sold . When researching my first novel I discovered that I really enjoyed research . I am fortunate that my local library has a wealth of research material . With the aid of the internet I was able to discover other great sources of research material , particularly book stores that carry out - of - print books and specialty books . Initially I was inspired by friends and family who asked me to write stories or poems for them . As I grew older the challenge of writing a novel appealed to me more and more . As the story grew I felt myself wanting to write more and more . My friends and family still inspire me , but now there is a huge new audience to write for , and share my work with . I recently published a collection of short stories on Amazon called " The Groovy Red Camera and other stories " . This is a collection of 9 short stories that I have written over the years . I continue to write short stories as ideas come to me and plan to publish other collections in the future . I still prefer paper books , though I am reading more and more on the Kindle . When I travel and use a Kindle I can bring many books ; the weight and volume of a Kindle is a small fraction of the three or four paper books I would normally travel with and is an undeniable advantage . However , I still enjoy the feel of paper between my fingers , the smell of a paperback novel , and all the wonderful memories that come along with paper books . It will be some time before I switch completely over to ebooks , but I can see demand for paper books dwindling slowly as time goes on . I have recently hired an editor to edit my first novel , which I plan to publish through CreateSpace as a paper back . The success of that endeavour will determine if I continue to publish both ebooks and paper books in the future , but I see ebooks ( and ereaders ) becoming more and more popular every day . I strongly suspect that ebooks will eventually replace paper books , at least for popular fiction , the way that digital cameras replaced film cameras . I would have to answer this with not a book but a series of books ; the Brother Cadfael series , by Ellis Peters . I started reading these books years ago , quite by chance , after seeing a made for TV movie on A & E channel based on one of the books in the series . After reading the first one I madly read through the remainder . In fact I have read every one of the books at least twice . These novels captured me from the first page , and instilled in me a love for the historical mystery , and a desire to write historical novels of my own . My novels are primarily fact based , tempered , of course , with artistic license . Readers of historical novels want to be entertained and , to a certain degree , educated or informed . There is a very real attraction for many readers ( myself included ) to immerse themselves in that other time and other world for a little while . My short stories tend to be more fictional . With my short stories I let my imagination wander a bit , artistically speaking , and explore some of the elements of pure story telling . My primary goal when writing short stories is entertaining the reader . By Jess Sherdan bit his lip as he sat in his car . Despite the driver breaking the speed limit it didn 't seem fast enough . Horrible images of what might be happening to Anya flashed through his head . He had to stop her being tortured . No matter why she was there he just couldn 't let it go on any longer . He had never felt so sure of anything . As soon as the car had stopped Sherdan rushed into the main compound . He didn 't stop to speak to security but ran straight by them and through the door . Anya 's cell had been deliberately placed near the heart of the building , almost as secure as the command room . Less than five minutes later he arrived at the right room . Four of his security team were outside . They stopped their heated argument when they saw Sherdan approach . He instantly recognised the guard who had been about to rape her and relief washed over him . " Let me in to see her , " he snapped before he had even reached them . Only one guard responded and rushed to unlock the door for him . Anya cowered in the far corner . She was reasonably calm but tear tracks could plainly be seen on her grimy face . " Get me a chair and turn off the camera feed into here , " Sherdan commanded . He was obeyed without question . Anya gulped , obviously expecting more of the same . The second they were alone together he sat down . He couldn 't look at her . She was so close to him and so helpless . He felt like a monster but his pride wouldn 't let her see his remorse . " Hello Anya Price , " he said , when he had managed to get his emotions under control . She looked shocked at the mention of his name but she didn 't speak or move from her position in the corner . He couldn 't blame her . " How do you know about my prophecy ? " he asked , admitting it existed for the first time . She didn 't respond at first . After a few minutes she stopped hugging herself quite so tightly . She cleared her throat and winced . Sherdan waited , not wanting to frighten her further . " I dreamt of you in a big mahogany panelled room ; one wall was filled with books . The opposite had a large fireplace built of Bath stone . You got up and went to the bookshelf third from the right . You took what I think was the sixth book from the left , on the fourth shelf from the bottom . " She closed her eyes as she said it . " You won 't speak of the prophecy or anything related to it to anyone else in my program . Is that clear ? " He looked at her properly for the first time since being in the room . She nodded . He got up and went over to her , keeping his eyes fixed on her face . Neither of them spoke or even looked at each other as Sherdan knocked on the door to the cell . They were both let out to the open mouths of all four guards . Shock soon turned to anger on Jack 's face . Sherdan felt Anya cling tighter to him as he walked past the men who had tortured her for almost three days . Anya 's eyes were closed before he had walked around to the other side of the car . He knew she would sleep for a while now her ordeal was over . He watched her sleep until they reached his house and then carried her inside . She didn 't stir as he took her to the bedroom beside his and she remained asleep the entire time the doctor examined her . Sherdan then locked her into her room . The doctor had hopes that she would recover over time with no serious scarring or permanent injury . There would always be marks around her toes , ankles , and wrists but it would be minimal and fade over time . It would hardly be noticeable after a year or so . Psychologically there was no way to say for sure how long it would take her to recover , if she would ever completely do so . The doctor hadn 't said the last part but Sherdan didn 't need him to . The only relief to the overwhelming guilt he felt was what he had managed to prevent . Until Hitchin had given him the prophecy he had never believed in anything spiritual . People existed because the planet supported life . Slowly he had seen parts of the prophecy come true but there was no mention of this girl in it . He had no idea where she featured , but he would keep her locked where he wanted her until he could find out . When Sherdan 's breakfast arrived he informed his maid that the spare room was occupied and locked to only be accessed by himself . He also informed her that there would be two for each meal and he would take his guests meals to them . If the maid was puzzled by any of this she didn 't show it . As soon as he had eaten he went to see his security guards . Nathan and Matthew had already knocked off , leaving him with the guards on the morning shift ; Ed and Julie . They nodded acknowledgement of him . " I 'm going to be spending the rest of the day in the room with Miss Price . I want to continue questioning her when she wakes , " he lied . He really wanted to make sure she didn 't wake alone in a strange place . " Please have any messages passed to me there but don 't let anyone disturb me unless it 's urgent . " Wasting no more time , he fetched his laptop from his study along with its power supply and walked up the two flights of stairs to the top floor . There were only two bedrooms on this floor , his and the one now occupied by Anya . Both had en - suite bathrooms and were separated by the hallway . He quietly turned the key in the lock and went into her room . She was still fast asleep and he watched her peaceful breathing , mesmerised . Only her matted , bloody hair and the purple bruise on one eye gave any indication that her life wasn 't perfect . Sherdan sat down on the arm chair facing her bed and propped his computer on his knees . Until now he had been distracted from his duties but he needed to return to them . There would be applications to go through and more plans to be made as well as an update on Hitchin 's next test batch . With any luck he would already be seeing some good results . When Sherdan had finished replying to all the important emails he checked the central database of all the applicants so far . For each person applying Sherdan had people running a family , criminal and government employment check . The information was then uploaded along with their CV and application form for him to look over . There were already over a hundred people in the database . He smiled . This was much higher than he expected and could potentially mean there were many more people who had sent CV 's . They wouldn 't be uploaded for him to see until the other checks were done . With only two people working on it they must have put every waking hour into the task since his interview . The remaining fifteen were being rejected although none of them would be informed of that . They would be told the same as the sixty - five on the waiting list . They would all be asked to wait until a place was available . Of the fifteen rejected , two were above sixty and probably wouldn 't survive the drug treatment . Three were foreign and hardly spoke English . One had been a political activist for communism during their university years ; someone who believed in equality wasn 't what Sherdan wanted . Five had worked for the government in some capacity and could never be trusted in the next few stages of the organisations development . The final four had too much criminal activity and would look bad if reporters snooped at his accepted lists . Bad press now wouldn 't be useful . If things changed they would be bumped up to the waiting list . Before Sherdan could start anything else his maid knocked at the door . She had brought lunch up . He thanked her but didn 't let her see inside the room . Anya stirred at the noise but didn 't wake up . She continued to sleep all afternoon missing both lunch and dinner . The only time Sherdan left her side was to visit the bathroom . Hitchin had no news to report yet so Sherdan continued processing applications while he waited . Not long before the doctor was due to check up on her Anya finally opened her eyes . She immediately focused on Sherdan and tried to sit up . " Thank you , " she said slowly . It looked like it hurt to talk . He sat on the edge of the bed but got up again when she pulled away , creasing her face up with pain again . " Don 't keep moving . You need to lay still , " Sherdan implored , " I 'm not going to hurt you . " He put his hands up to show his actions would match up with his words as he sat down again . Her eyes never left him and they were tinted with fear . " I am here for only one reason : to read that prophecy , " Her eyes blazed . She was angry at him . " As soon as I am well enough to move I shall continue searching for it . " " No you will not . You may have been upgraded to more comfortable accommodation but you are still my prisoner , and , until I have the answers I wish for from you , you will remain that way , " he hissed . Inwardly he protested , this wasn 't how he had wanted their conversation to progress . He 'd wanted gratitude and polite conversation . He 'd wanted some idea of where she fit into his future , not hostility and threats . Thankfully the doctor arrived . Either because she remembered her promise or because she was too tired to argue Anya didn 't mention the prophecy . Sherdan sat back down in his chair and allowed the doctor access to her . James was pleased she was awake and discussed all her differing ailments with her at length . He made her wiggle all her fingers and checked her wrists for permanent damage since she could now tell him what hurt and felt numb . He then did the same with her feet . Anya expressed concern about her nails growing back but it was too early to tell for sure . She then waved off his attention to her face . Very little damage had been done in that regard . " Sir , I think Miss Price would like some privacy . Would you mind stepping outside ? " Before James had finished speaking Sherdan had got up and walked over to the window , putting his back to them both . James shrugged at Anya who reluctantly let him pull the covers back . " I think there might be a fractured rib , it 's hard to tell . You 're covered in bruises from the last three days . I should know for sure in a day or two . " He helped her roll over so he could see her back . It wasn 't as bad as her front . Her bonds had prevented many blows reaching her central back . It was a blessing . Her spine was mostly untouched as were her kidneys . Both would have been badly damaged by the blows that had landed elsewhere . " One last thing , I 've brought some pain killers with me . They should help you rest . " He stretched his hand towards the briefcase he had left by the door . It opened on it 's own and a small packet of pills flew out of it and into his hand . She gasped in shock . He smiled but continued as if nothing had happened . " She didn 't know about the drug and it 's abilities , " he snapped at the doctor . James ' face went white . " Leave us and come back tomorrow evening . " Sherdan didn 't wait for a response but went back into Anya 's room and slammed the door behind him . She looked frightened . He stared at her and paused , losing himself in the depths of emotion in her big brown eyes . " It is the best kept secret of this facility . No one who has taken it is allowed to leave the area and until I disclose it , the world will never know about it , " Anya frowned . " That now includes you . You will not be allowed to leave here . " " No , not ever . Now , I have work to do and you need rest . I shall see you in the morning . All the windows and doors will be locked and even if you did manage to break out in your state , there are patrols and guards enough to bring you back . Goodnight Miss Price . " With Matt Damon being in it I have to admit I expected something very bourne like but really didn 't find much that the two films had in common . Matt Damon did a semi reasonable job of being a different character and I adored the girl he fell in love with . She had a quirky impulsive sense of humour that made her very endearing and for me was about all that saved the film . Now don 't get me wrong I enjoyed the film . It kept me entertained but I was dissapointed with how little they touched on the idea they presented . The film had a very interesting idea and premise but they explored very little of it by following just how it affected these two people . |
Agent Tate looked down at his watch and stood up . All four teenagers looked in between each other , not sure of what to think of his actions . Was it a good or bad action ? How were they doing ? What was going on ? None of them could be completely sure . " I 've got to step outside for a few minutes . You 'll be allowed a bathroom break . " And with that , Agent Tate walked out of the room . A soldier walked in moments after he walked in and politely offered to escort anybody to the bathroom . The change in demeanor of the soldiers surprised Julia . They had been nothing but rude and forceful only just yesterday . Something wasn 't quite right . It could have just been Julia , but she swore she saw him glare directly at Rachel . She knew what he was doing . Adam was giving Luke the chance to talk to her alone - which is something she wanted more than anything in the world , just not today . Not now . Not after what happened . Not after that awkward moment that screwed up their relationship and put their future in jeopardy . It was unavoidable . And she hated it . " Are you really putting me in this position right now ? Like I haven 't got enough pressure on my shoulders right now ! " Julia shook her head , trying to be subtle enough for Luke not to notice . Adam smirked , knowing exactly what he was doing . The small room with the one table seemed even smaller , despite the loss of people . The room felt colder and it had nothing to do with the air conditioner . Julia looked down at her lap , avoiding Luke 's gaze . Her right shoulder felt the weight of the sling pushing down on it , the strap digging into her skin . She took a shaky breath and reached with her left arm and tried to reach up to adjust the shoulder . The pain in her arm made it difficult to reach far enough to adjust the strap . Before she could say anything else , Luke closed the small gap between them and kissed her gently on the lips . For those few brief seconds , everything disappeared in Julia 's mind . All she thought about was him . The good memories , that is . She remembered the reasons she had fallen in love with him in the first place . He pulled back just a few inches and placed his hand on her cheek , his thumb stroking it slowly and gently . " We 'll get through this Jules . " His whisper was soft and sweet , like the cherry on top of a sundae . He had that effect on her . She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and it took all of her willpower to push them down . " You know that 's not what I want to talk about , " she whispered back . She could hear the shakiness in her voice . " What we need to talk about . " " I 'm not taking it back Jules . Yes , it was bad timing . Yes , I know I shouldn 't have shoved that on you at that moment . But I … I don 't regret it . " Luke shook his head and took her hands in his . She regretted her words immediately . A heavy burden ? Inside her mind , she was banging her head on the table . " I don 't think of it that way , Jules . I … " He took a deep breath and gripped her hands a little tighter . " Something changed in London Jules . I … I had that light bulb moment that they always have in the movies . I realized that my life … it … it meant nothing without you in it . I realized that it didn 't matter when I saw you next , but I made my choice then and there that I was going to marry you someday . And … and I had to say something to let you know how I feel before I let you slip away . " Luke leaned in a little bit closer . " I don 't ever intend on letting you slip away from me ever again , Jules . Not ever . And someday in the future you and I are gonna get married and everything will be perfect but today … " Luke smiled , despite the fact that he was close to tears himself - mostly from the pain in his leg , but he wasn 't going to let her know that . He pushed the tears away . " Today … I want to make the commitment . " Julia froze . Luke hates commitments . He 's horrible at them . It 's the reason why their relationship had a rocky start in the first place . It 's why she was worried he was going to leave their mission at any second . He just didn 't do commitments . " I want you to know that I will always be there for you every hour of every day . And that I 'm gonna love you every second that I 'm breathing and with every beat of my heart . I - " " Stop , " Julia closed her eyes . " Please . " Luke watched her intently as she gathered her thoughts . So many things to say . She knew they were pressed for time . Agent Tate , Adam or Rachel could walk in at any moment . This could be their last chance to talk alone . She would be stupid to believe no one was listening in or watching through the security camera perched in the corner of the room , but at this moment it was just her and Luke . Julia searched his eyes for any sign of doubt . If there was even the slightest hint of doubt , she could say no . She could push him away . She could not have to deal with this . She wouldn 't have to worry about hurting him . She could go through with the plan knowing that he would be able to move on someday and marry thereal girl of his dreams . That tiny bit of doubt would make what she had to do easier . But she couldn 't find anything but love . True , unconditional love . Damn , she cursed inside her mind . Julia swallowed back the guilt and the deceit and the lies and let a tear escape down her cheek . It was Julia who closed the gap this time , pressing her lips against his . She didn 't want to make it too passionate or he would know something was up . It was gentle , kind , loving and purely magical . If her life were a cheesy movie , fireworks would be going off in the background . She knew these kisses had to stop , or she wouldn 't be able to do what she knew had to be done , but she couldn 't help it . Luke kissed her on the tip of her nose . " Right . I don 't want to rush you sweetheart , I just want you to know that I am committed to us . " Luke 's hand snaked around her shoulders , resting lightly on top of her right shoulder . " I … " Her moment to tell him the truth came . But why couldn 't she do it ? Why couldn 't she tell him what was coming ? Why couldn 't she tell him the real reason she turned him down before ? Julia grabbed Luke 's free hand with her left hand and gripped it with all her might . " Things … things are only going to get worse . " A few more tears fell down her cheeks . She didn 't bother to wipe them away and neither did Luke . A tingling sensation spread through her leg as a tear fell onto her skin right where her jeans had been torn . Julia assumed it was a result of her fight with Maddie , even though she still couldn 't remember it . Despite the strange feeling , Julia didn 't shutter . She leaned forward and kissed Luke 's cheek , lingering there after she did so . " But now is not the time to be talking about the future , " she whispered into his ear . " Let 's focus on making it out alive for right now . " She kissed him once more on the cheek , this time quickly . " We have the rest of our lives to figure out what we want to do but we have to make decisions about our situation we 're in now or we 're going to die . " Adam and Rachel walked in and sat down . Julia adjusted the strap on her sling once more , her left hand shaking as she did so . The four sat in silence for a few moments , waiting for Agent Tate to reappear . Underneath the table , Luke 's hand found Julia 's free one . He gently squeezed it , attempting to give her a boost of confidence . It wasn 't working . He didn 't know what was coming . He didn 't know the heartache headed their way . He didn 't know what she had done . The family resemblance to Julia was uncanny . They both had the same brown hair and electric blue eyes . He was a few inches older than her and had this old aura around him . Spending a lot of time in the past did that to a person , as the four teenagers had found over the past four years . At the mention of her aunt , Julia cringed . Luke 's grip on her hand grew tighter . The silence created a dangerous ambiance for the four teenagers . Anything they said could lead to their conviction , and later their execution . They had to tread carefully . " I 'm here to help , and I 'm doing my best to get you four out of here , but they 've got some serious evidence against you . " Dustin leaned forward on the table with his elbows . " It 's pretty damning . " " Dustin , is there any chance at all that we might get out of this alive ? " Julia asked quietly . She felt the eyes of her three friends on her , but she couldn 't look their way . Dustin would be able to find away out , if there was one to find . She nodded , knowing exactly what he was saying . With great risks and sacrifices comes great rewards . If they were to save the world , they would have to sacrifice a lot . For Julia , it would be the life she knew and love . " What does that mean ? " Rachel asked , obviously frustrated with the secrets . " What else do we have to sacrifice ? We 've already given up so much already ! " Dustin reached and grabbed her hand , patting it lightly as if she were a child . " I know my dear . I know . But it would risk putting all of you in even more danger . We can 't have that happen before Maddie strikes back . If you all are stuck here , you won 't be able to save us . " " Then be light on details . You don 't know him that well . " Dustin leaned back in his chair . " He 's as mysterious as Evan . " Luke 's face scrunched up in anger . Rachel didn 't seem to know what Dustin was talking about . Adam , on the other hand , seemed to understand . Adam had always been suspicious of Evan for reasons unknown to Julia . After her first semester at the University of Virginia , she wasn 't questioning him for a minute . " Be wary of what you say . Agent Tate isn 't the only one listening . She is too , " he whispered into her ear . " We 'll talk soon about what has to be done . " He let go of her and waved to the others as he walked out of the room . Julia slowly sat back down in her chair and Luke draped his arm on the back of her chair . " Is it just me or does that guy get more mysterious after every visit ? " Luke asked the group . Rachel shrugged . Adam had his eyes closed and was tapping his fingers on his thigh . Julia knew this look all too well : he was trying to figure things out . Julia did nothing but stare at the chair in which her uncle had just occupied , not wanting to explain things to Adam if he figured things out before Agent Tate came back . Luke and Rachel talked around them , but Julia blocked all of it out . That is until Rachel spoke up . Adam opened his eyes and turned to face Julia . " Is it one of your injuries ? Do you need a doctor ? " His eyes revealed nothing . If he had solved the puzzle , he wasn 't ready to talk about it yet . " Are you sure ? " Rachel asked . Julia could see the concern on her friend 's face . She wanted so badly to tell them what was coming . To vent . To get their opinions . But she couldn 't . Dustin reminded her of that . Agent Tate burst through the door and sat back down , straightening his suit . He picked up his pen and started tapping it nervously against the piece of paper . Julia didn 't think to look at it while he was gone , and he didn 't care . " You got it dude , " Jonathon smirked as he turned on his heel . His job was to find a quick way out of the city and hurry back . If things didn 't work out the way they wanted , they needed a quick escape . Jonathon , the time - traveling genius friend of theirs , headed toward the Mayan city . His dark brown hair , darkened over the years they had known him , and his electric blue eyes gave him somewhat of a resemblance to Julia . He never stayed in one time period too long for reasons he never explained . The guy was more mystery than anything else and he liked it that way . Better to keep everything secret than to complicate things with the truth . Falling into line with him was Candy , his girlfriend of two years . It was surprising how she had lost most of the baby weight in three months . Training for this very day was quite the work - out . Her bleach blonde hair pulled up in a high pony tail without a hair out of place . Her slick black suit hugged her tiny figure but did not hide the old aura surrounding her . Being born in the 1820 's and living in the 2100 's for the past few years does that to a person . There was no telling where her three - month old son Michael was right now . Jonathon slipped his hand in hers as they walked down the pathway back toward the city . Julia smiled . She couldn 't help it . Their love story was so beautiful . Any girl had the right to be jealous of the two . As they walked away , Julia turned to Lynn , who gave her a hug . A strange occurrence all on its own . Her black hair was pulled back in a braid similar to the one Julia saw Jennifer Lawrence sport in the Hunger Games movie earlier in the year . Her darker skin and calculating grey eyes gave her the Indian warrior princess look . Lynn was one of the fiercest fighters Julia had ever known and she was glad to have her on their side , and as a friend . Next was Rachel , who pulled Julia into a tight hug . " You come back to me , okay ? " She whispered into her ear . Rachel 's curly , recently dyed strawberry blonde hair was falling out of her loose ponytail . Her brown eyes were holding back tears . Julia held on to her best friend for a little while longer before letting go . Every extra second delayed the inevitable . Rachel nodded before composing herself . Julia 's best friend then followed Lynn around the base of the pyramid . Their goal was to find anyone who might spoil their plan and keep them occupied before they did so . " Let 's do this thing ! " Luke said enthusiastically , even thought he knew none of them were excited about what was about to happen . He looked to his left and saw Julia and Adam giving him a weird looks . " Oh , come on ! Somebody 's got to be optimistic ! " All three stared up at the long staircase . Julia took both Luke and Adam 's hands as they ascended the staircase . With swords on their belts , they felt like warriors heading off to war for the first time . But in reality , they had been at war for four long years and this battle was the ending point . Someone was going to surrender tonight - hopefully not them . Once they got to the top , Adam gave Julia a hug . " You can do this . I believe in you , " he whispered into her ear . His black hair and blue eyes covered by black glasses making him look like a major nerd , but Julia thought it was cute . He got his smarts and his looks from his mother , making Julia wonder if he had inherited anything from the mysterious birth father of his . At first , Julia only stared into his hypnotizing green eyes . His blonde hair was a little messy today . Last night , he had spent the night in her dorm room . He had kissed her goodnight and then plopped on the futon . In the middle of the night , the recurring nightmare came back , as it did when she thought of her old , lost childhood friend . Scared of sleep , she crawled onto the futon with him and he held her tight , as he had done numerous times before . Nothing had happened , of course , but she had finally gotten sleep after hearing his encouraging , loving words whispered softly to her . Luke pulled Julia into a hug before she could ruin the moment by talking . " The little nerd 's got a point for once . " Luke whispered to her . " I love you Jules , you know that right ? " She nodded . Her body was starting to tremble with fear . There was no turning back now . Luke kissed her on the forehead and started to walk around the wall in the opposite direction of Adam , according to the plan . After rounding the corner , he stood still . The only movement he made was his right hand running through his blonde hair . The girl he loved was about to fight to the death . I should be used to this by now , he thought to himself . But I 'm not . He took his sword out from his belt and held it out in front of him . He continued to walk along the wall when he got a tap on his shoulder . He turned around as fast as he could , ready to strike with his sword . " Luke ! It 's me ! " Julia blurted out . The sword was two inches from her throat . After realizing the error of his ways , Luke lowered the sword and put it back in his belt . " Because it 's you Jules ! " He took a step closer . " You 've got to believe in yourself . All of us do , so why can 't you ? " " I … I just have a feeling that it 's not me . I 'm not cut out for this . If I go in there , I 'm going to fail . Just like Evan said ! And failing in this situation means … means … death . " " Yes ! " He put his hands on her shoulders . " You 've got to believe it Jules ! You 've got to go in there and kill that horrible aunt of yours and end all her crap ! " " Now that 's not the Jules I know ! The Jules I 've known since birth has got more courage and more strength than anybody I know ! She 's … she 's the girl that I fell in love with . " He paused . After hesitating , he reached down into his right sock and pulled out a ring . " I came back to the States a day early to surprise you . " He paused , but only for a second . " But you were all upset and I felt like this would be the last thing you would want at the moment . And then we came here … " " Uh … yeah . " He smirked to himself looking at the ring and all the happy years it was going to bring them . He sighed . He shook his head , coming back to his senses . " But that doesn 't mean anything now . I don 't know why I pulled that out , I 'm sorry . I guess I just … wanted you to know that I had it … " He shook his head , feeling more idiotic than ever , and reached back down to put the ring in his sock . " Yeah Jules . " A smile grew on his face . " I love you . All I 've done since I left for England was think of you . All that I 've ever done is think of you . " " Jules , you 're beating yourself up for no reason . " He took one of her hands and placed it on his heart . He placed his hand on top of hers , immediately making her face heat up . " I knew in my heart that you were the girl for me and that someday it 'd be official . My time in London showed me that I can 't wait anymore . " He moved a hair off of her face and tucked it behind her ear . " But we 've got to get through today first . You 're going to come back after this , Jules . You 're going to come out of there with the ninth piece and the world 's not going to end and all that crap . " Julia took a few deep breaths and looked as if she could punch someone in the face any second . It wouldn 't have mattered if she had punched him , he wouldn 't have felt it . That 's how numb he felt at her rejection . No , not a rejection , it was worse than that . After a few tense moments , she closed the gap between them and kissed him passionately . To him , it felt like a goodbye kiss , like she was preparing for the worst . But he knew that she would make it back . How come she couldn 't see that ? She saw her dad . The memories flashed by like a montage sequence in a movie . It started with him trying to help her shoot a basketball back when she was five and ended with the last time she ever saw him alive . " You played great tonight , Julie Ju . You could be in the pro 's someday if you keep it up . I 'll see you at home , okay ? Have fun with your friends . Love you sweetie . " A hug and a kiss on the cheek later and she would never seen him again . She saw her mother . She saw her trying to force Julia into a dress for church when she was a little girl . She saw the pile of tissues on her bed after learning of Julia 's father 's death . She saw her in the kitchen cooking after school , like she did every day they had lived in Boston . She saw how happy she was on her second wedding day , holding hands with her new step - father Frank . When was the last time she had talked to her mother ? It seemed like ages . She saw her friends . Adam doing homework . Rachel on the sidelines cheering on the football team . Three months pregnant Candy laughing so hard at one of Luke 's lame jokes while camping that one time . Lynn showing her the pictures of her family for the first time . And then she saw Luke . Luke : the boy she grew up with . Her best friend since birth . The boy who fell for her back in ninth grade . The boy who had risked everything that was important to him to help out with the Warpers - not that he had a choice . The man he had turned into over the past four years . The man she had fallen in love with . Julia opened her eyes . She wasn 't doing this for herself . She was doing this for them . She had to . Her father was already dead . Others would follow if she didn 't succeed today , including herself . Julia took one step into the room and saw her aunt standing right across from her . Her dark brown - almost black - curly hair was draped over her shoulders . She was dressed for a fight : slick , black pants , low - cut , skin - tight , long - sleeved black shirt . In Julia 's opinion , she looked like Scarlett Johansson in the Avengers - minus the red hair . Her blue eyes reminded Julia of a stormy sea . The electric look in her eyes had slowly faded over the past four years - she was losing her power and strength . Julia was hoping to take advantage of that . " Oh darling ! " Her aunt 's British accent echoed throughout the room . " I thought you would never show up ! Let 's not waste any time ! " Julia 's eyes fluttered open at the sound of someone yelling . She noticed Luke leaning back in a chair next to her bed . Rachel and Adam were pacing back and forth in the small hospital room . Rachel was crying . Adam looked like he hadn 't slept in a week . Luke looked furious . Luke even had that angry undertone to his voice . Whatever they were talking about was seriously ticking him off . The pain of all of her injuries was coming to Julia in a slow steady stream . It took all of her energy to keep her eyes open and stay conscious . Whatever had happened to her while fighting Maddie must have been brutal . She only wished could remember what had happened . The last thing she remembered was walking into the temple . Maybe she didn 't want to know . Maybe her brain was doing her a favor by erasing those memories . Time would only tell . " Adam , you know everything ! " Luke continued . " How do we get the heck out of this ! There 's got to be someone we can talk to ! " Luke whisper - yelled at Adam . Julia saw how none of them had noticed she was awake . She must not have been out that long . Maybe they were all still mad about what happened back at the Mayan pyramid . It seemed like it was only seconds ago … " I 'm thinking ! I 'm thinking ! " Adam stopped pacing and glared at Luke . " There 's not a single way that things ends up good for us ! We can 't tell these guys no ! We can 't lie either ! They know everything ! " Julia 's vision finally cleared completely . She saw that all three of her friends had bandages , stitches and scars all over their body . Adam even had a cast on his right wrist . Julia could only assume she looked just as bad , but most likely worse since she was the only one in a hospital bed hooked up to machines . " W - w - who knows everything ? " Julia barely croaked out . Her voice silenced a room of three people complaining , crying and freaking out over something Julia was still in the dark about . " Unlike you Luke , I can 't sleep forever . " A smile grew on Luke 's face at her sarcastic remark . He was just happy she was alive . " How long was I asleep ? " " And the FBI is trying to nail us for terrorism , " Adam whispered while shaking his head . He was now at the foot of the hospital bed . Rachel was sitting in a chair by the door wiping tears off her cheeks . " They claim what we 've been doing qualifies as ' crimes against humanity . ' If we get convicted , we 're all going to be executed . " " I still can 't believe this . We saved the world and now the world wants us dead ! Are they going to release our story into the public ? Nobody would believe it . " Luke asked Adam as he got up to check the blinds to see if anyone was on the other side of the door . Julia couldn 't see what was going on outside from where the bed was positioned . " No , the FBI won 't do that . If the public doesn 't know time travel exists , they 're not going to come out now and tell them . We need some kind of proof that what we did was good for humanity and fast . Otherwise we 're all dead . " " I don 't want to be executed ! " Rachel burst out into more tears and Adam put his arm over her shoulders , holding her close . " We just went through hell and back and the FBI is making us go back ! " The tears were making her words hard to decipher . Luckily , Julia had become pretty good at understanding her while crying . " My dad already hates me enough . I 'm practically dead to him now . He 's probably burning pictures of me at home as we speak . " It was at that moment that the door almost came flying off its hinges . Three soldiers with big guns came rushing in , pointing the guns at each of the teenagers . Once they decided it was secure , a man in a tuxedo came in and directed one of the soldiers to fix the door and stand guard . Tuxedo Man stood at the foot of the bed and glared down at Julia . Luke nodded and tried to help Julia sit up , but she waved him off . Despite the pain , she was not going to look weak . She cringed every second . Something had to be broken or bruised in her stomach area . " I 'm not the leader . " Julia surprised herself with the amount of courage in her voice . On the inside she was trembling with fear . This FBI guy was pretty scary looking as it was . " Oh , dear . What a shame . " He pointed a finger at one of the soldiers who readied his gun . Click . Tuxedo Man moved as close to Julia as the hospital bed would allow . " DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH ME JULIA ! " He moved back a little and straightened his tie , composing himself . " Just tell us why you did it and we might lighten your sentence . " " How can you lighten an execution sentence ? Make it less painful ? " Luke murmured from the other side of the bed . One of the soldiers seized him while the other pointed his loaded gun straight at his chest . " I … I don 't know what you 're talking about . C - c - could you at least tell me what 's going on ? I just woke up . " Julia tried to keep the shakiness out of her voice , but it wasn 't working . Seeing Luke being held at gunpoint was not exactly the morale boosting sight she was hoping for . " I 'm referring to your little time travel stunt Julia . " Tuxedo Man sat down in a chair . He seemed calm and relaxed , which was out of place in this tense ambiance . " That classifies as crimes against humanity and leaning towards terrorism . My branch of the FBI has sent me to bring you four into custody . " " How does time - traveling count as a crime against humanity ? We didn 't mess with anything . History still played out the same way . What 's the problem ? " " We didn 't leave any trace of anything strange happening . No one wrote of us , no pictures were taken , nothing . You can look all you want but everything is the same . We didn 't get to pick when or where we went . The book did that for us . " Julia threw up her hands in frustration . " Like I know ! " She immediately regretted her decision due to the searing pain in both arms . " I 've been unconscious for five days ! " " We didn 't get it back before we came back from our last little escapade , " Adam added calmly . Julia knew it was his way of giving her some more information of the situation at hand . Maybe he knew Julia didn 't remember what happened at the top of the Mayan temple . If anyone was going to figure it out , it would have been him . " I am telling you the truth , " Julia snapped . She took a deep breath to calm herself down . " Yes , theoretically anyone could have it . But the last place I saw it , it was at my house . I 'm sure you 've already checked there . Heck , Maddie might even have it . " Adam wanted to hit his head onto the window and Julia knew it . Her exhaustion , pain and amnesia wasn 't helping her think clearly right now . This conversation needed to stop now . If it didn 't , something wasn 't going to go their way and they were going to end up dead . " That 's not an answer . " Tuxedo Man stood up and walked over to the soldier holding Luke . " We can easily kill your friend Luke here . He 's disposable to us in this investigation . You 're the leader , Miss Holbrook . You 're the only one that the FBI currently needs . Your sidekick over here won 't be necessary . " Julia noticed Adam roll his eyes out of the corner of her eyes . She glanced his direction and rolled his eyes some more . They won 't , he mouthed to her . Luke fought against the soldier , muttering something incoherent . The soldier holding him kneed the back of his knee , causing Luke to falter . The soldier holding the gun to his chest pushed it closer , but did not shoot - thankfully . Julia felt anger boiling inside of her , despite Adam 's warning . Luke was anything but disposable . Luke was her childhood friend . They grew up together in a small town outside of Atlanta . When they were seven , Luke 's father got transferred to Seattle and Julia thought she was never going to see her best friend again . Luckily in the 7th grade , both Julia and Luke 's fathers got transferred to Boston , reuniting them for the first time in years . Over the years , they had fallen in love . Julia knew Luke was the man she was going to marry some day , despite the fact that she had turned him down . He just had bad timing , that 's all . The pressure got to you , she reminded herself . She couldn 't imagine life without him . Julia couldn 't think of a single way he was disposable . He was strong , funny , great - looking , good with a sword and a gun , caring , compassionate , loyal … the list went on and on . Julia couldn 't think of one good memory that didn 't have him involved in some way . He was her whole life . She couldn 't , and wouldn 't , get him killed . Never ever . " I don 't know , " Julia said quietly , staring at Luke . He was staring back . " We were forced back here for some reason . I honestly have no clue where she is . " The next few moments were critical . Julia answered as honestly as she could . She didn 't know if Luke , Adam or Rachel had seen Maddie while she was knocked out - they hadn 't given her enough time to ask . But Tuxedo Man didn 't know that . If she hadn 't convinced him that she was telling the truth , Luke would be killed . " Fine . Take them to the car . We 're heading to base . " Tuxedo Man stood up and moved to exit the room . " I 'll make arrangements for her . " He looked right at Julia , looked her over , as if searching for more information , and walked out of the room . " Base ? " Adam asked . One of the soldiers came over , grabbed him by the arm and forced him out of the room . " Let go of me ! You can 't take me anywhere ! " The soldier guarding the door and the other remaining soldier grabbed Luke and Rachel , respectively , and pushed them out the door . Luke gave her a longing look , as if he wanted to fight the soldier , but knew it wasn 't the smart idea . That 'd be the first time he ever did that , she thought to herself . Luke wasn 't exactly known for making smart decisions , especially when it came to fighting . Julia didn 't know what to do now that everyone was out of the room . Where was her mom ? What about Frank ? What about her friends ' parents and siblings ? Which hospital was she in ? Nothing in the room gave her any indication of what was going on . Julia slowly removed the blanket covering her from the waist down and saw many gashes . Some had bandages , some had stitches , others were already scarring over . Her left arm was wrapped tightly . The sword made one final cut into Julia 's left arm . Even though the cut was just one of many - and certainly not the most painful - Julia still screamed out in pain . " Had enough yet dearie ? " Maddie yelled out . Julia took a second to compose herself and then straightened , with her sword in her right hand . " Do you see the last piece ? " Julia watched as her aunt 's facial expression turned sour . " Then no . " She was glad that her memory was slowly starting to come back to her , even if it was in pieces . She had a broken right wrist - the neon green cast poking out through the sling was a dead giveaway . She pulled up the hospital gown a little , revealing her stomach , and saw a huge bandage wrapped around her entire waist . There was a thick pad of gauze taped to her forehead . There were many scratches and scars that looked like claw marks . Her brown hair was obviously tangled and a huge mess . It had been pulled back into a random ponytail with a rubber band - probably something that a nurse had done before a surgery . Her blue eyes had lost the fire in them . They looked dull and weary . Two frightened nurses came into the room with a wheelchair and started unhooking Julia from all the machines . One of the nurses picked Julia up and placed her in the wheelchair . Together the two nurses pushed her all the way down the hallway , into the elevator , down to floor one and out the exit door . During the whole journey , Julia saw nobody . There wasn 't a single person in sight in this hospital . Only emergency lights were on to light the way . Julia was half expecting to see the exit doors have " Don 't Open Dead Inside " written on there . They went through the exit doors - no Walking Dead reference written on the wall , unfortunately - and stepped out onto a loading dock . Two soldiers came over and helped the nurses load the wheelchair into the back of a military truck , strapping it in so that it would not roll around during the drive . The nurses gave the soldiers a few instructions before they shut the door and hurried into the hospital . " The FBI does what it wants , " Adam mumbled . He was sitting on the floor across from her wheelchair with his legs pulled up to his chin . " Imagine the power these guys have . " Adam sure had a knack for thinking their possible demise was mind - blowingly awesome . This wasn 't the first time . Luke , despite the fact that the girls had gotten used to Adam 's geeky side , still punched him in the arm . " Dude ! This is not the time to be impressed ! We 're getting out sorry butts killed FOR SAVING THE FREAKIN ' WORLD I MIGHT ADD ! " " We didn 't exactly save the world yet , and they can 't hear you Luke , so shut up . " Rachel snapped . She had been sitting quietly in the corner , finally done with the tears . " Let 's just see if we can make a case for them not to kill us . We didn 't do anything wrong . " " They seem to think that the time - traveling thing is a threat to humanity . That 's interesting … " Adam said as he looked at the ground . The look in his eyes told Julia he was trying to do some weird , strange , large calculation in his head . " We 've just got to prove that we 're from this time period . They can see our birth certificates ! " Luke stood up , trying to get a seat across from Julia so that he could register her response . A bump in the road caused him to fall down into her lap , crushing her . He looked at her and saw that she was trying so hard not to cry from the pain . His eyes went wide . " Jules , I 'm so , so , so , so sorry . Are you okay ? " " No , " Adam shook his head , oblivious to the fact that Luke had just sat on Julia . " They 'll think we faked them . That 's easy to do . " " Why on earth would it be good to fake a birth certificate now Luke ? Why ? That 's about the dumbest thing I 've heard you say in a long time ! " " WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP ? " Julia yelled with every last ounce of energy she had left in her . She caught her breath and continued , all three of her friends staring at her in awe . " Stop … just … stop . " " That 's a heck of a story we 've got to tell , " Luke said in a reminiscing tone of voice . " It started over four years ago . A lot has happened in that time . " Luke grabbed Julia 's hand , giving it a light squeeze . Something had changed between them now . Of all the things she wanted to forget , her reaction was at the top of the list . He had proposed and she had denied him . Not only that , but she had humiliated him in the process . " That 'll buy us enough time to figure out what 's going on and how to stop it . I … I could tell every little detail . It would last days , maybe even weeks . It might just get us out of this mess . " " But do we want them to know everything that happened ? Every single detail ? " Adam paused , glancing at Rachel for a slight second . Julia figured she was the only one who noticed . " Is telling them everything going to be worth it ? " " What choice do we have ? " Luke grabbed Julia 's hand again . She held on tight , as if letting go meant losing him . She had already turned down his proposal . Julia let go of his hand and put it in her lap . She looked down at her hands to avoid the confused look Luke was probably giving her . It was the second time she had let go of his hand in a matter of minutes . He didn 't know what was going on and he didn 't like it . " We tell them everything and we might have a chance at walking away without a scratch . " Rachel looked at all three and giggled . " Well … no more scratches . " Julia let out a little laugh and then winced in pain . " So it 's settled then . Once we get to ' the base ' we tell them our story . Every . Last . Detail . " Upon arriving at the base , Julia , Luke , Adam and Rachel were all escorted to a tiny cell . Luke didn 't know how old the place was , but the prison cell they were in didn 't look like it had been used since his great - grandfather was a little kid . There were two small bunks - no doubt smaller than a twin - sized bed - and just enough space to fit another one . Since they had gotten there in the middle of the night , Rachel , Adam and Julia had all decided sleep was the best option . Rachel took the top bunk and fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow . Adam fell asleep curled up on the cold floor , using his jacket as a blanket . He couldn 't help but feel like he had failed Julia . He couldn 't do anything to save her . She was supposed to be the one to save them . She had saved their butts so many times . Luke wanted to be her knight in shining armor for once . Maybe if I hadn 't popped the question , Julia wouldn 't have been distracted and might have beaten Maddie . And then we wouldn 't even be in this mess . Those FBI jerks wouldn 't be preparing to kill us and Jules wouldn 't be in the position she 's in . Luke couldn 't help but wonder what his life would have been like if he had never signed up with the Warpers . No double life . No imprisonment . No time - traveling . But that also meant no friendship with Adam , no forgiveness from Rachel , no falling in love with Julia . Did the costs outweigh the benefits in this situation ? We 're in the process of saving the world . Where 's our parade ? Where 's our money and instant fame ? This is dumb . And mostly my fault . " Bad dream , huh ? " He asked her jokingly , but so quiet he questioned whether or not she heard him . Julia turned her head and nodded , rubbing her head where she had been hit . Julia closed her eyes , picturing the memory in her head . " She told me that if I didn 't do something for her someone I loved would die … but … but I didn 't finish it in time and … and … " Julia paused . A tear made its way down her cheek . " Well , you know what happened . " Luke wanted to grab her hand , stroke her cheek , anything . But something had changed between them . The fact that she wouldn 't hold hands with him on the truck ride to this hellhole was proof enough . He restrained himself . He knew immediately she was leaving a lot of details out . He also knew that she wasn 't telling him for a reason . He decided not to push . He was already on thin ice with her . " Don 't worry about it Julia . It was just a dream . She 's not going to kill anybody else . We 'll get to her before that happens . " Luke fell into temptations and slowly moved a hair off of her forehead . " I 'm not going to let her hurt you anymore . " " I don 't remember that . " Her eyes focused back on the bottom of the top bunk , avoiding eye contact with him . " The last thing I remember was starting the fight with Maddie . " Luke didn 't know what to say . He didn 't understand medical stuff . Adam would have some theory about brains and what not . Luke , on the other hand , just said the only thing he could think of . " Oh . That 's … interesting . " " Yeah . Gave me a heart attack too . " Julia smiled . " You stood up , said something , then fainted . Adam thinks you probably would have died if I hadn 't caught you . " " Adam ' bout killed us with his crazy driving to the hospital . Rachel called all of our parents . Once we got there , Adam tried to tell the doctors exactly what to do and he almost got kicked out of the hospital all together . " " Yeah , his annoying self at its best . You were in surgery all through the night . Your mom and Frank came by and spent the night at the hospital . Rachel 's dad came and picked her up and he was super pissed . Adam had to go to the airport to pick up his mom . " " Julia , " Luke reached for her hand , despite what his brain was telling him . " After what I said and you almost dying and then seeing you faint … I … I just couldn 't handle it . I 'm the reason all of this happened the way that it did . I wanted to find some way to make it up to you , but I couldn 't do anything if you didn 't wake up . So … I decided I was going to stay until you woke up . It … it was the least I could do . " " You thought everything that happened was your fault ? Luke … you 're all wrong . " Julia squeezed his hand . " Everything was going to go to hell , whether you were involved or not . " She smirked and he relaxed a little . " You had nothing to do with that . Don 't beat yourself up over it . " " But I can 't help but think that it was my fault . " He lowered his voice to a barely audible whisper . " That proposal was a mistake . I shouldn 't have done that . " " If we make it out of here alive , we can talk about what we both said . But right now that doesn 't matter . " Julia took a deep breath . " What … what happened next ? " " Oh yeah . That 's an understatement . Frank kept asking me weird questions . " Luke cleared his throat again , preparing his ' Frank ' accent . It was really a French accent , since Frank was born in France , but Luke insisted on calling it the Frank accent , after Julia 's step - father , naturally . " Like : how is college going ? Are you going to follow your father into professional baseball ? How many kids do you want to have ? Are you going to marry Julia soon or when you 're fifty ? " " Yeah … he 's one interesting step - dad . " Luke wallowed in the silence for a few seconds before continuing . " So after two days of just sitting around , Rachel came to visit . She was in tears and had a huge suitcase full of stuff with her . " " Her dad kicked her out . Told her that she could keep everything she could fit in that huge suitcase of hers . With the pregnancy scare and her coming clean about everything - " " And then Adam came back with his mom , before taking her to the hotel . Adam and Rachel had some intense conversation and I think they 're back on again , but I 'm not sure . When Adam came back from the hotel , he looked a little freaked . It was weird . " " I think so . " Luke 's eyebrows scrunched in confusion . Nobody in the world could keep up with that relationship . " So it was dinner on the fourth day when the FBI showed up . They had the entire hospital on lockdown . They came in , explained our situation , but they said they wouldn 't take us anywhere until they talked to you . So we were basically quarantined in your room until you woke up the next day . " " Are you doing okay ? " She asked him quietly . " Your left leg doesn 't look too good . I noticed a limp of some kind in the walk from the truck to here . " She motioned in the general direction of his leg . " Oh , that 's nothing . I just hurt my knee pretty badly . I 'm okay , I 've been walking on it for some time now . " " And I lived to tell the tale ! " Julia smiled with what she thought was a clever saying . If she had some kind of alcohol to drink , it would be the perfect reference to a movie - one that Luke couldn 't remember the name to right now . Luke patted her hand with his . " I 'm just glad you 're okay . I don 't know what I would have done if you had died . " He didn 't want to leave her side . He wanted to stay with her . Crawl into the bed and wrap an arm around her . Kiss her on the forehead and whisper " I love you . " The door to the room shut , giving the room an eerie sense of finality . This was it . This was their chance to convince them that they 're not terrorists . " Agent Tate . " Agent Tate pointed his pen at each person as he guessed their names . " And you are Rachel Cannon , Adam Washington , Luke Madden and Julia Holbrook . " " Good . Now that we all know each other . Who wants to start with your story ? I 'm sure you 'd like to make me sympathize with you … blah , blah , blah . " He rolled his eyes . " I can assure you it won 't work , but I am required to listen to you by executive order . " " Where do you want us to start ? " Rachel asked , changing the subject . Her newfound courage that had been gone just hours before surprised Julia , but she loved it . When Rachel was super confident and courageous , things went well for them . It was a good sign , whether Rachel was acting or not . " Thanks , " Julia muttered under her breath . She straightened up in her chair , looked straight at Agent Tate and cleared her throat . " It all started on my fifteenth birthday . " So I 'm working on editing chapter 2 right now . Comments are very much appreciated . I 'd love some feedback on this ! Thanks again for reading ! Have a great week ! Hey guys ! So I know I haven 't posted in over a year … but I 'm coming back for real this time . I 've got so many cool ideas and I 've got some more time to actually do this ! So here 's a little heads up about this post . I 've started to write a story . I don 't care if it ever gets past this blog , but I want to finish it . This is the prologue and the first chapter will be up soon , with chapter 2 on the way ( whenever I finish editing it ) . If you don 't read it , fine . If you read it and hate it , fine . If you read it and love it , fine . I 'm just putting it out there for those of you who like reading new stories . Coming up in weeks to come is a new thing I 've decided to do . It 's going to be looking through Disney movies and giving you the rundown … doing all the things you see other people do , but I 'm throwing my 2 cents into the ring because I consider myself and Disney fanatic . Ranking songs , talking about plot ( and pointing out plot holes ) , talking about the sequels , all kinds of stuff . So … for you fellow Disney fans , that 's coming ! I hope you guys enjoy ! Here 's the prologue to my story that I 'm writing … the name is still in the works , but I 'll let you know when I decide I 'll let you know . Right now , it 'll be under the category of " Story . " Thanks in advance to those who read this ! It means a lot ! And the real revival of " The City Never Sleeps at Night " is coming ! I mean it this time ! " Go away Evan ! " Julia yelled back at Evan through her tears . She couldn 't believe that she had put up with him and his stupid antics for this long . He had been trying to break her for the entire semester . At the mention of his self - proclaimed nemesis , Evan snapped . " Don 't you dare walk away from me like that ! " He grabbed her arm as she walked away , twirling her around and pulled her in close . So close that their faces were almost touching . " Do you think your ' friends ' would want to know your dirty little secret ? " " Let go of my arm ! " She struggled against his grasp , wanting to get a million miles away from Evan right now . She knew running from her problems never worked , but it sure would have made her feel better at the current moment . " You will not get me to do anything . " Julia could feel her anger radiating off of her . " Who do you think I am ? I 've had enough of this ! " " I 'm tired of the blackmail Evan ! I can 't do this ! It 's hurting more people than just me ! I want my life back ! " " LET ME GO ! " She stared into his brown eyes , noticing every orange speck . Each speck glowed with anger . " Or I 'll scream rape . " " We 're in the middle of a college campus … it 'd be real easy for somebody to call campus police . " A smile danced on her face for a brief second . " You know me , Evan . I never back down from a dare . " " And you won 't be far behind . " For a brief moment , she believed him , but she didn 't dare say anything or change her facial expression . She would rather get punched in the face repeatedly than make him think he had the upper hand in their conversation . " Think about that before you scream , " he taunted . " You have no proof . " She got out of Evan 's hold and took off running down the sidewalk . She had to get away . Luckily , he didn 't follow her . " You sure about that Holbrook ? " He called out after her . She shuttered at the thought that he might actually have evidence . What seemed as a noble mission at first now seemed to become her biggest regret . You didn 't do anything wrong , she kept telling herself . He doesn 't have evidence . There 's nothing wrong with what you chose . Two dribbles . Line up the shot . Release . That was the ninth one missed in a row . Julia had a game in two days and she couldn 't make her free throws anymore . Coach is gonna be ticked , she thought to herself . Julia was currently standing on the free throw line on the court of the University of Virginia 's basketball arena . The head coach of the women 's team had given all of the girls keys that gave them access to the court since the dorms didn 't have any decent courts nearby . With all the stuff that had been going on to her this semester , the basketball arena had become Julia 's sanctuary . She turned around to see none other than Luke Madden standing there in a red London 2012 Olympics t - shirt with a black jacket and faded blue jeans . He was pretending to hold a microphone as if he was the announcer analyzing her game - something he frequently did when they would play one - on - one back in high school . He had short blonde hair with hypnotizing green eyes and towered over her at six - foot one . Her heart did a little dance upon seeing him . " Luke ? " She couldn 't contain her excitement any longer . She dropped the basketball and ran into his arms . He picked her up and spun her around in the air , like one sees in the romantic movies . " Don 't act too excited to see me ! " He joked as he set her back on the ground . She noticed how his arms held her only inches from him , but she didn 't care . She loved it this way . It was things like this that she had missed . " Oh , who needs school ? " He smirked at her . Luke had one of those smiles that could melt even the coldest of hearts . " The real question is what 's going on to make you miss your free throws ? " " You only miss free throws when something 's bothering you . " He used a finger to gently push her chin up so that she would have no choice but to meet his eyes . " So what 's up with my favorite girl ? " She lowered her eyes to his chest out of shame . " I just needed to clear my head . I figured this would be the best place to do so . " " It is . I mean , come on ! This is an awesome basketball arena ! " He let go of Julia and walked over to the basketball rack and picked up a ball . " But just because you play college ball , doesn 't mean you 're better than me . " " But your brother is an Olympic gold medalist , Luke ! I 'm sure that was worth it . " She walked over toward him , still keeping a sizable distance between them . " You 're gonna have to tell me all about that , by the way . " She dribbled the ball in place , not making eye contact with him . She looked up for just a second to pass the ball back to him . " It 's something dumb . You wouldn 't care . " " That 's not true and you know it . " He passed it to her and walked over to the bench . He patted the seat next to him , signaling her to come sit by him . She hesitated before walking over there . After sitting down , Julia put her head in her hands . She didn 't want to look at Luke - not while telling him this . She peeked through her fingers and noticed a tiny " JRH " carved into the floor directly beneath her seat . She cringed and shook her head , trying to focus on the task at hand . " Wasn 't he our quarterback in high school ? " Luke knew the answer to the question . He knew all about Evan . They were once best friends , before they had that huge fight . Luke couldn 't stand how obnoxious he had become - and the fact that the two of them had been pining after Julia at the same time . The competition destroyed their friendship , but in Luke 's mind , it was for the better . The only things Luke ever heard from Evan now - a - days was him bragging about how great his life was . To say it was annoying would be an understatement in Luke 's mind . Julia couldn 't believe he still had that watch after everything that had happened . It had broken a long time ago . Little did she know , Luke kept wearing it because it reminded him of her . During his time in England , he needed every little reminder he could get . Julia glared at him . " You just want to win a bet , don 't you ? You 're still not over the fact that you never beat me on a bet ! " Julia started to laugh , but Luke cut her off . " WHAT ? " Luke 's facial expression went from playful and caring to full of rage faster than one can blink . " Did he hurt you ? ' Cause if he did I swear I 'll - " " I know what you 're thinking but hear me out first . " She could tell he didn 't want to talk . She knew he wanted to find Evan and pound his face in , but she had to tell him the whole story first - even if it was going to make him mad in the process . " Like what ? " Luke perked up , a smile growing on his face . " He found out you actually liked the Jonas Brothers back in the day ? I can understand how that can be humiliating for you . " " I thought your life as boring and completely pointless without me there . " Julia normally would have laughed . His overconfident self really did make her feel better . Focus Julia , focus . " Oh my gosh you killed him and didn 't tell me ! I knew you were a secret bad - a ! " She elbowed him . " Sorry ! Sorry ! Sorry ! Tell me Jules . " She glared at him . " If it 's something that you don 't want to say , you don 't have to . " " Of course I didn 't kill him ! " She took a deep breath . " I need to get this off my chest . " She started staring at the ground - at the " JRH " to be more exact . She knew this was going to be hard to say . " We were playing along the old creek not too far away from my house with that old , broken bridge , remember that one ? " Luke nodded . They had spent a lot of time there as kids before he had moved away in 3rd grade . " Well one day we went out there and the bridge had mysteriously been fixed . It wasn 't perfect , but it wasn 't broken anymore . He asked me if I would dare him to cross it and before I could answer he started going across . " Julia 's voice started to break . " It … it looked so safe and stable but I was ready to turn any second just in case he fell . But he never did , which surprised me more than him . He made it to the other side and turned around and cheered me on , so of course I started going . " It was obviously safe . I looked down to watch every step I made . Once I got to the other side , I … I looked up and he was there … but someone in … in a black cape came around and grabbed him and threw him to the side . He … or … she , I still don 't know … told me to go back home and not to tell anybody what I saw . He … he … was … shaking his head at me , telling me not to go … but … but … " Luke squeezed her hand . " What did you do ? " His voice was so soothing , something that had developed over the years . It was amazing to think that just four years ago he was self - absorbed and a egotistic ladies - man . Anyone that met him now would probably never believe the person he used to be . " No … at least I don 't think so … the memory 's a little fuzzy after that . " She took a deep breath . " They say sometimes we make ourselves forget traumatic experiences from our childhood . " " Luke , " Julia was trembling with fear now . She felt exposed . Vulnerable . She hated this feeling . " I was a scared , little kid . I didn 't know what to do . " " Of course it is ! " Julia wiped away tears from her eyes before they could escape to her cheeks . " It 's all my fault he was kidnapped ! I should have gotten help . I could have called the police and told them what I saw … who I saw . I could have done something … anything . I 'm basically responsible for his death . " " Because … because … I was afraid the person with the black cape would come after me . " Julia put her head in her hands . " I was so scared . " Another minute of silence . Julia glanced over at Luke . " Want to know the weirdest part ? " Luke nodded . " The memory seems more like a dream than anything . A nightmare , really . It just doesn 't seem real . I can 't even remember the boy 's name . " Luke watched her as she wiped away the last of the tears . He wanted to pull her into a hug and hold her until the tears were long gone , but he refrained . He would later wonder why that was . " He wanted me to do something for him , but wouldn 't say what until I agreed . I never did , so he continued to threaten me by saying he was going to call the police and have me arrested . He said he had enough evidence to get me convicted and sent to jail … for whatever crime he thought I had committed . " " So let me guess , you don 't want anything to do with me now ? " The tears had gotten the best of Julia again . Keeping everything bottled inside for so long was a good idea until this very moment . The floodgates had been opened and she wiped the tears off as fast as she could . " Now that I might be sent to jail for kidnapping and possibly murder … and whatever charge we 'd get for the other thing - " " No , of course not Jules ! " He turned to face her and wiped a tear of her cheek with his thumb . " You were a scared , little kid . I would have done the same thing . " " Why would I want to be in the same bed as you ? I don 't even like you . " Luke said as he stood up . He walked over to the basketball rack . Julia followed him over there and he handed her a ball . " Now made a dang free throw so we can leave . " Julia walked over to the free throw line . She was well aware of Luke 's presence a few feet behind her . It was almost as if time slowed after Julia let go of the ball . All the grief , regret , guilt and bad thoughts over the past ten years were attached to that ball . The second she let go of it , she felt immediately better . He pushed back just far enough to kiss her on the lips . It was a long , romantic , passionate kiss . He had waited so long to do this . He was determined to make it count . " I lied earlier . " He confessed to her in between kisses . " I like you a lot . " They both laughed and kissed some more . Boy have I missed this , Luke thought to himself . So there it is ! Let me know what you think ! I 'm up for criticism . Actually , I welcome it ! If you really liked it and want to get a hold of it faster , I have a separate blog up on wordpress just for this story , but I 'll be putting it up on here too . The website is : http : / / vanhabersham . wordpress . com / if you want to get it there . |
Agent Tate looked down at his watch and stood up . All four teenagers looked in between each other , not sure of what to think of his actions . Was it a good or bad action ? How were they doing ? What was going on ? None of them could be completely sure . " I 've got to step outside for a few minutes . You 'll be allowed a bathroom break . " And with that , Agent Tate walked out of the room . A soldier walked in moments after he walked in and politely offered to escort anybody to the bathroom . The change in demeanor of the soldiers surprised Julia . They had been nothing but rude and forceful only just yesterday . Something wasn 't quite right . It could have just been Julia , but she swore she saw him glare directly at Rachel . She knew what he was doing . Adam was giving Luke the chance to talk to her alone - which is something she wanted more than anything in the world , just not today . Not now . Not after what happened . Not after that awkward moment that screwed up their relationship and put their future in jeopardy . It was unavoidable . And she hated it . " Are you really putting me in this position right now ? Like I haven 't got enough pressure on my shoulders right now ! " Julia shook her head , trying to be subtle enough for Luke not to notice . Adam smirked , knowing exactly what he was doing . The small room with the one table seemed even smaller , despite the loss of people . The room felt colder and it had nothing to do with the air conditioner . Julia looked down at her lap , avoiding Luke 's gaze . Her right shoulder felt the weight of the sling pushing down on it , the strap digging into her skin . She took a shaky breath and reached with her left arm and tried to reach up to adjust the shoulder . The pain in her arm made it difficult to reach far enough to adjust the strap . Before she could say anything else , Luke closed the small gap between them and kissed her gently on the lips . For those few brief seconds , everything disappeared in Julia 's mind . All she thought about was him . The good memories , that is . She remembered the reasons she had fallen in love with him in the first place . He pulled back just a few inches and placed his hand on her cheek , his thumb stroking it slowly and gently . " We 'll get through this Jules . " His whisper was soft and sweet , like the cherry on top of a sundae . He had that effect on her . She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and it took all of her willpower to push them down . " You know that 's not what I want to talk about , " she whispered back . She could hear the shakiness in her voice . " What we need to talk about . " " I 'm not taking it back Jules . Yes , it was bad timing . Yes , I know I shouldn 't have shoved that on you at that moment . But I … I don 't regret it . " Luke shook his head and took her hands in his . She regretted her words immediately . A heavy burden ? Inside her mind , she was banging her head on the table . " I don 't think of it that way , Jules . I … " He took a deep breath and gripped her hands a little tighter . " Something changed in London Jules . I … I had that light bulb moment that they always have in the movies . I realized that my life … it … it meant nothing without you in it . I realized that it didn 't matter when I saw you next , but I made my choice then and there that I was going to marry you someday . And … and I had to say something to let you know how I feel before I let you slip away . " Luke leaned in a little bit closer . " I don 't ever intend on letting you slip away from me ever again , Jules . Not ever . And someday in the future you and I are gonna get married and everything will be perfect but today … " Luke smiled , despite the fact that he was close to tears himself - mostly from the pain in his leg , but he wasn 't going to let her know that . He pushed the tears away . " Today … I want to make the commitment . " Julia froze . Luke hates commitments . He 's horrible at them . It 's the reason why their relationship had a rocky start in the first place . It 's why she was worried he was going to leave their mission at any second . He just didn 't do commitments . " I want you to know that I will always be there for you every hour of every day . And that I 'm gonna love you every second that I 'm breathing and with every beat of my heart . I - " " Stop , " Julia closed her eyes . " Please . " Luke watched her intently as she gathered her thoughts . So many things to say . She knew they were pressed for time . Agent Tate , Adam or Rachel could walk in at any moment . This could be their last chance to talk alone . She would be stupid to believe no one was listening in or watching through the security camera perched in the corner of the room , but at this moment it was just her and Luke . Julia searched his eyes for any sign of doubt . If there was even the slightest hint of doubt , she could say no . She could push him away . She could not have to deal with this . She wouldn 't have to worry about hurting him . She could go through with the plan knowing that he would be able to move on someday and marry thereal girl of his dreams . That tiny bit of doubt would make what she had to do easier . But she couldn 't find anything but love . True , unconditional love . Damn , she cursed inside her mind . Julia swallowed back the guilt and the deceit and the lies and let a tear escape down her cheek . It was Julia who closed the gap this time , pressing her lips against his . She didn 't want to make it too passionate or he would know something was up . It was gentle , kind , loving and purely magical . If her life were a cheesy movie , fireworks would be going off in the background . She knew these kisses had to stop , or she wouldn 't be able to do what she knew had to be done , but she couldn 't help it . Luke kissed her on the tip of her nose . " Right . I don 't want to rush you sweetheart , I just want you to know that I am committed to us . " Luke 's hand snaked around her shoulders , resting lightly on top of her right shoulder . " I … " Her moment to tell him the truth came . But why couldn 't she do it ? Why couldn 't she tell him what was coming ? Why couldn 't she tell him the real reason she turned him down before ? Julia grabbed Luke 's free hand with her left hand and gripped it with all her might . " Things … things are only going to get worse . " A few more tears fell down her cheeks . She didn 't bother to wipe them away and neither did Luke . A tingling sensation spread through her leg as a tear fell onto her skin right where her jeans had been torn . Julia assumed it was a result of her fight with Maddie , even though she still couldn 't remember it . Despite the strange feeling , Julia didn 't shutter . She leaned forward and kissed Luke 's cheek , lingering there after she did so . " But now is not the time to be talking about the future , " she whispered into his ear . " Let 's focus on making it out alive for right now . " She kissed him once more on the cheek , this time quickly . " We have the rest of our lives to figure out what we want to do but we have to make decisions about our situation we 're in now or we 're going to die . " Adam and Rachel walked in and sat down . Julia adjusted the strap on her sling once more , her left hand shaking as she did so . The four sat in silence for a few moments , waiting for Agent Tate to reappear . Underneath the table , Luke 's hand found Julia 's free one . He gently squeezed it , attempting to give her a boost of confidence . It wasn 't working . He didn 't know what was coming . He didn 't know the heartache headed their way . He didn 't know what she had done . The family resemblance to Julia was uncanny . They both had the same brown hair and electric blue eyes . He was a few inches older than her and had this old aura around him . Spending a lot of time in the past did that to a person , as the four teenagers had found over the past four years . At the mention of her aunt , Julia cringed . Luke 's grip on her hand grew tighter . The silence created a dangerous ambiance for the four teenagers . Anything they said could lead to their conviction , and later their execution . They had to tread carefully . " I 'm here to help , and I 'm doing my best to get you four out of here , but they 've got some serious evidence against you . " Dustin leaned forward on the table with his elbows . " It 's pretty damning . " " Dustin , is there any chance at all that we might get out of this alive ? " Julia asked quietly . She felt the eyes of her three friends on her , but she couldn 't look their way . Dustin would be able to find away out , if there was one to find . She nodded , knowing exactly what he was saying . With great risks and sacrifices comes great rewards . If they were to save the world , they would have to sacrifice a lot . For Julia , it would be the life she knew and love . " What does that mean ? " Rachel asked , obviously frustrated with the secrets . " What else do we have to sacrifice ? We 've already given up so much already ! " Dustin reached and grabbed her hand , patting it lightly as if she were a child . " I know my dear . I know . But it would risk putting all of you in even more danger . We can 't have that happen before Maddie strikes back . If you all are stuck here , you won 't be able to save us . " " Then be light on details . You don 't know him that well . " Dustin leaned back in his chair . " He 's as mysterious as Evan . " Luke 's face scrunched up in anger . Rachel didn 't seem to know what Dustin was talking about . Adam , on the other hand , seemed to understand . Adam had always been suspicious of Evan for reasons unknown to Julia . After her first semester at the University of Virginia , she wasn 't questioning him for a minute . " Be wary of what you say . Agent Tate isn 't the only one listening . She is too , " he whispered into her ear . " We 'll talk soon about what has to be done . " He let go of her and waved to the others as he walked out of the room . Julia slowly sat back down in her chair and Luke draped his arm on the back of her chair . " Is it just me or does that guy get more mysterious after every visit ? " Luke asked the group . Rachel shrugged . Adam had his eyes closed and was tapping his fingers on his thigh . Julia knew this look all too well : he was trying to figure things out . Julia did nothing but stare at the chair in which her uncle had just occupied , not wanting to explain things to Adam if he figured things out before Agent Tate came back . Luke and Rachel talked around them , but Julia blocked all of it out . That is until Rachel spoke up . Adam opened his eyes and turned to face Julia . " Is it one of your injuries ? Do you need a doctor ? " His eyes revealed nothing . If he had solved the puzzle , he wasn 't ready to talk about it yet . " Are you sure ? " Rachel asked . Julia could see the concern on her friend 's face . She wanted so badly to tell them what was coming . To vent . To get their opinions . But she couldn 't . Dustin reminded her of that . Agent Tate burst through the door and sat back down , straightening his suit . He picked up his pen and started tapping it nervously against the piece of paper . Julia didn 't think to look at it while he was gone , and he didn 't care . " You got it dude , " Jonathon smirked as he turned on his heel . His job was to find a quick way out of the city and hurry back . If things didn 't work out the way they wanted , they needed a quick escape . Jonathon , the time - traveling genius friend of theirs , headed toward the Mayan city . His dark brown hair , darkened over the years they had known him , and his electric blue eyes gave him somewhat of a resemblance to Julia . He never stayed in one time period too long for reasons he never explained . The guy was more mystery than anything else and he liked it that way . Better to keep everything secret than to complicate things with the truth . Falling into line with him was Candy , his girlfriend of two years . It was surprising how she had lost most of the baby weight in three months . Training for this very day was quite the work - out . Her bleach blonde hair pulled up in a high pony tail without a hair out of place . Her slick black suit hugged her tiny figure but did not hide the old aura surrounding her . Being born in the 1820 's and living in the 2100 's for the past few years does that to a person . There was no telling where her three - month old son Michael was right now . Jonathon slipped his hand in hers as they walked down the pathway back toward the city . Julia smiled . She couldn 't help it . Their love story was so beautiful . Any girl had the right to be jealous of the two . As they walked away , Julia turned to Lynn , who gave her a hug . A strange occurrence all on its own . Her black hair was pulled back in a braid similar to the one Julia saw Jennifer Lawrence sport in the Hunger Games movie earlier in the year . Her darker skin and calculating grey eyes gave her the Indian warrior princess look . Lynn was one of the fiercest fighters Julia had ever known and she was glad to have her on their side , and as a friend . Next was Rachel , who pulled Julia into a tight hug . " You come back to me , okay ? " She whispered into her ear . Rachel 's curly , recently dyed strawberry blonde hair was falling out of her loose ponytail . Her brown eyes were holding back tears . Julia held on to her best friend for a little while longer before letting go . Every extra second delayed the inevitable . Rachel nodded before composing herself . Julia 's best friend then followed Lynn around the base of the pyramid . Their goal was to find anyone who might spoil their plan and keep them occupied before they did so . " Let 's do this thing ! " Luke said enthusiastically , even thought he knew none of them were excited about what was about to happen . He looked to his left and saw Julia and Adam giving him a weird looks . " Oh , come on ! Somebody 's got to be optimistic ! " All three stared up at the long staircase . Julia took both Luke and Adam 's hands as they ascended the staircase . With swords on their belts , they felt like warriors heading off to war for the first time . But in reality , they had been at war for four long years and this battle was the ending point . Someone was going to surrender tonight - hopefully not them . Once they got to the top , Adam gave Julia a hug . " You can do this . I believe in you , " he whispered into her ear . His black hair and blue eyes covered by black glasses making him look like a major nerd , but Julia thought it was cute . He got his smarts and his looks from his mother , making Julia wonder if he had inherited anything from the mysterious birth father of his . At first , Julia only stared into his hypnotizing green eyes . His blonde hair was a little messy today . Last night , he had spent the night in her dorm room . He had kissed her goodnight and then plopped on the futon . In the middle of the night , the recurring nightmare came back , as it did when she thought of her old , lost childhood friend . Scared of sleep , she crawled onto the futon with him and he held her tight , as he had done numerous times before . Nothing had happened , of course , but she had finally gotten sleep after hearing his encouraging , loving words whispered softly to her . Luke pulled Julia into a hug before she could ruin the moment by talking . " The little nerd 's got a point for once . " Luke whispered to her . " I love you Jules , you know that right ? " She nodded . Her body was starting to tremble with fear . There was no turning back now . Luke kissed her on the forehead and started to walk around the wall in the opposite direction of Adam , according to the plan . After rounding the corner , he stood still . The only movement he made was his right hand running through his blonde hair . The girl he loved was about to fight to the death . I should be used to this by now , he thought to himself . But I 'm not . He took his sword out from his belt and held it out in front of him . He continued to walk along the wall when he got a tap on his shoulder . He turned around as fast as he could , ready to strike with his sword . " Luke ! It 's me ! " Julia blurted out . The sword was two inches from her throat . After realizing the error of his ways , Luke lowered the sword and put it back in his belt . " Because it 's you Jules ! " He took a step closer . " You 've got to believe in yourself . All of us do , so why can 't you ? " " I … I just have a feeling that it 's not me . I 'm not cut out for this . If I go in there , I 'm going to fail . Just like Evan said ! And failing in this situation means … means … death . " " Yes ! " He put his hands on her shoulders . " You 've got to believe it Jules ! You 've got to go in there and kill that horrible aunt of yours and end all her crap ! " " Now that 's not the Jules I know ! The Jules I 've known since birth has got more courage and more strength than anybody I know ! She 's … she 's the girl that I fell in love with . " He paused . After hesitating , he reached down into his right sock and pulled out a ring . " I came back to the States a day early to surprise you . " He paused , but only for a second . " But you were all upset and I felt like this would be the last thing you would want at the moment . And then we came here … " " Uh … yeah . " He smirked to himself looking at the ring and all the happy years it was going to bring them . He sighed . He shook his head , coming back to his senses . " But that doesn 't mean anything now . I don 't know why I pulled that out , I 'm sorry . I guess I just … wanted you to know that I had it … " He shook his head , feeling more idiotic than ever , and reached back down to put the ring in his sock . " Yeah Jules . " A smile grew on his face . " I love you . All I 've done since I left for England was think of you . All that I 've ever done is think of you . " " Jules , you 're beating yourself up for no reason . " He took one of her hands and placed it on his heart . He placed his hand on top of hers , immediately making her face heat up . " I knew in my heart that you were the girl for me and that someday it 'd be official . My time in London showed me that I can 't wait anymore . " He moved a hair off of her face and tucked it behind her ear . " But we 've got to get through today first . You 're going to come back after this , Jules . You 're going to come out of there with the ninth piece and the world 's not going to end and all that crap . " Julia took a few deep breaths and looked as if she could punch someone in the face any second . It wouldn 't have mattered if she had punched him , he wouldn 't have felt it . That 's how numb he felt at her rejection . No , not a rejection , it was worse than that . After a few tense moments , she closed the gap between them and kissed him passionately . To him , it felt like a goodbye kiss , like she was preparing for the worst . But he knew that she would make it back . How come she couldn 't see that ? She saw her dad . The memories flashed by like a montage sequence in a movie . It started with him trying to help her shoot a basketball back when she was five and ended with the last time she ever saw him alive . " You played great tonight , Julie Ju . You could be in the pro 's someday if you keep it up . I 'll see you at home , okay ? Have fun with your friends . Love you sweetie . " A hug and a kiss on the cheek later and she would never seen him again . She saw her mother . She saw her trying to force Julia into a dress for church when she was a little girl . She saw the pile of tissues on her bed after learning of Julia 's father 's death . She saw her in the kitchen cooking after school , like she did every day they had lived in Boston . She saw how happy she was on her second wedding day , holding hands with her new step - father Frank . When was the last time she had talked to her mother ? It seemed like ages . She saw her friends . Adam doing homework . Rachel on the sidelines cheering on the football team . Three months pregnant Candy laughing so hard at one of Luke 's lame jokes while camping that one time . Lynn showing her the pictures of her family for the first time . And then she saw Luke . Luke : the boy she grew up with . Her best friend since birth . The boy who fell for her back in ninth grade . The boy who had risked everything that was important to him to help out with the Warpers - not that he had a choice . The man he had turned into over the past four years . The man she had fallen in love with . Julia opened her eyes . She wasn 't doing this for herself . She was doing this for them . She had to . Her father was already dead . Others would follow if she didn 't succeed today , including herself . Julia took one step into the room and saw her aunt standing right across from her . Her dark brown - almost black - curly hair was draped over her shoulders . She was dressed for a fight : slick , black pants , low - cut , skin - tight , long - sleeved black shirt . In Julia 's opinion , she looked like Scarlett Johansson in the Avengers - minus the red hair . Her blue eyes reminded Julia of a stormy sea . The electric look in her eyes had slowly faded over the past four years - she was losing her power and strength . Julia was hoping to take advantage of that . " Oh darling ! " Her aunt 's British accent echoed throughout the room . " I thought you would never show up ! Let 's not waste any time ! " Julia 's eyes fluttered open at the sound of someone yelling . She noticed Luke leaning back in a chair next to her bed . Rachel and Adam were pacing back and forth in the small hospital room . Rachel was crying . Adam looked like he hadn 't slept in a week . Luke looked furious . Luke even had that angry undertone to his voice . Whatever they were talking about was seriously ticking him off . The pain of all of her injuries was coming to Julia in a slow steady stream . It took all of her energy to keep her eyes open and stay conscious . Whatever had happened to her while fighting Maddie must have been brutal . She only wished could remember what had happened . The last thing she remembered was walking into the temple . Maybe she didn 't want to know . Maybe her brain was doing her a favor by erasing those memories . Time would only tell . " Adam , you know everything ! " Luke continued . " How do we get the heck out of this ! There 's got to be someone we can talk to ! " Luke whisper - yelled at Adam . Julia saw how none of them had noticed she was awake . She must not have been out that long . Maybe they were all still mad about what happened back at the Mayan pyramid . It seemed like it was only seconds ago … " I 'm thinking ! I 'm thinking ! " Adam stopped pacing and glared at Luke . " There 's not a single way that things ends up good for us ! We can 't tell these guys no ! We can 't lie either ! They know everything ! " Julia 's vision finally cleared completely . She saw that all three of her friends had bandages , stitches and scars all over their body . Adam even had a cast on his right wrist . Julia could only assume she looked just as bad , but most likely worse since she was the only one in a hospital bed hooked up to machines . " W - w - who knows everything ? " Julia barely croaked out . Her voice silenced a room of three people complaining , crying and freaking out over something Julia was still in the dark about . " Unlike you Luke , I can 't sleep forever . " A smile grew on Luke 's face at her sarcastic remark . He was just happy she was alive . " How long was I asleep ? " " And the FBI is trying to nail us for terrorism , " Adam whispered while shaking his head . He was now at the foot of the hospital bed . Rachel was sitting in a chair by the door wiping tears off her cheeks . " They claim what we 've been doing qualifies as ' crimes against humanity . ' If we get convicted , we 're all going to be executed . " " I still can 't believe this . We saved the world and now the world wants us dead ! Are they going to release our story into the public ? Nobody would believe it . " Luke asked Adam as he got up to check the blinds to see if anyone was on the other side of the door . Julia couldn 't see what was going on outside from where the bed was positioned . " No , the FBI won 't do that . If the public doesn 't know time travel exists , they 're not going to come out now and tell them . We need some kind of proof that what we did was good for humanity and fast . Otherwise we 're all dead . " " I don 't want to be executed ! " Rachel burst out into more tears and Adam put his arm over her shoulders , holding her close . " We just went through hell and back and the FBI is making us go back ! " The tears were making her words hard to decipher . Luckily , Julia had become pretty good at understanding her while crying . " My dad already hates me enough . I 'm practically dead to him now . He 's probably burning pictures of me at home as we speak . " It was at that moment that the door almost came flying off its hinges . Three soldiers with big guns came rushing in , pointing the guns at each of the teenagers . Once they decided it was secure , a man in a tuxedo came in and directed one of the soldiers to fix the door and stand guard . Tuxedo Man stood at the foot of the bed and glared down at Julia . Luke nodded and tried to help Julia sit up , but she waved him off . Despite the pain , she was not going to look weak . She cringed every second . Something had to be broken or bruised in her stomach area . " I 'm not the leader . " Julia surprised herself with the amount of courage in her voice . On the inside she was trembling with fear . This FBI guy was pretty scary looking as it was . " Oh , dear . What a shame . " He pointed a finger at one of the soldiers who readied his gun . Click . Tuxedo Man moved as close to Julia as the hospital bed would allow . " DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH ME JULIA ! " He moved back a little and straightened his tie , composing himself . " Just tell us why you did it and we might lighten your sentence . " " How can you lighten an execution sentence ? Make it less painful ? " Luke murmured from the other side of the bed . One of the soldiers seized him while the other pointed his loaded gun straight at his chest . " I … I don 't know what you 're talking about . C - c - could you at least tell me what 's going on ? I just woke up . " Julia tried to keep the shakiness out of her voice , but it wasn 't working . Seeing Luke being held at gunpoint was not exactly the morale boosting sight she was hoping for . " I 'm referring to your little time travel stunt Julia . " Tuxedo Man sat down in a chair . He seemed calm and relaxed , which was out of place in this tense ambiance . " That classifies as crimes against humanity and leaning towards terrorism . My branch of the FBI has sent me to bring you four into custody . " " How does time - traveling count as a crime against humanity ? We didn 't mess with anything . History still played out the same way . What 's the problem ? " " We didn 't leave any trace of anything strange happening . No one wrote of us , no pictures were taken , nothing . You can look all you want but everything is the same . We didn 't get to pick when or where we went . The book did that for us . " Julia threw up her hands in frustration . " Like I know ! " She immediately regretted her decision due to the searing pain in both arms . " I 've been unconscious for five days ! " " We didn 't get it back before we came back from our last little escapade , " Adam added calmly . Julia knew it was his way of giving her some more information of the situation at hand . Maybe he knew Julia didn 't remember what happened at the top of the Mayan temple . If anyone was going to figure it out , it would have been him . " I am telling you the truth , " Julia snapped . She took a deep breath to calm herself down . " Yes , theoretically anyone could have it . But the last place I saw it , it was at my house . I 'm sure you 've already checked there . Heck , Maddie might even have it . " Adam wanted to hit his head onto the window and Julia knew it . Her exhaustion , pain and amnesia wasn 't helping her think clearly right now . This conversation needed to stop now . If it didn 't , something wasn 't going to go their way and they were going to end up dead . " That 's not an answer . " Tuxedo Man stood up and walked over to the soldier holding Luke . " We can easily kill your friend Luke here . He 's disposable to us in this investigation . You 're the leader , Miss Holbrook . You 're the only one that the FBI currently needs . Your sidekick over here won 't be necessary . " Julia noticed Adam roll his eyes out of the corner of her eyes . She glanced his direction and rolled his eyes some more . They won 't , he mouthed to her . Luke fought against the soldier , muttering something incoherent . The soldier holding him kneed the back of his knee , causing Luke to falter . The soldier holding the gun to his chest pushed it closer , but did not shoot - thankfully . Julia felt anger boiling inside of her , despite Adam 's warning . Luke was anything but disposable . Luke was her childhood friend . They grew up together in a small town outside of Atlanta . When they were seven , Luke 's father got transferred to Seattle and Julia thought she was never going to see her best friend again . Luckily in the 7th grade , both Julia and Luke 's fathers got transferred to Boston , reuniting them for the first time in years . Over the years , they had fallen in love . Julia knew Luke was the man she was going to marry some day , despite the fact that she had turned him down . He just had bad timing , that 's all . The pressure got to you , she reminded herself . She couldn 't imagine life without him . Julia couldn 't think of a single way he was disposable . He was strong , funny , great - looking , good with a sword and a gun , caring , compassionate , loyal … the list went on and on . Julia couldn 't think of one good memory that didn 't have him involved in some way . He was her whole life . She couldn 't , and wouldn 't , get him killed . Never ever . " I don 't know , " Julia said quietly , staring at Luke . He was staring back . " We were forced back here for some reason . I honestly have no clue where she is . " The next few moments were critical . Julia answered as honestly as she could . She didn 't know if Luke , Adam or Rachel had seen Maddie while she was knocked out - they hadn 't given her enough time to ask . But Tuxedo Man didn 't know that . If she hadn 't convinced him that she was telling the truth , Luke would be killed . " Fine . Take them to the car . We 're heading to base . " Tuxedo Man stood up and moved to exit the room . " I 'll make arrangements for her . " He looked right at Julia , looked her over , as if searching for more information , and walked out of the room . " Base ? " Adam asked . One of the soldiers came over , grabbed him by the arm and forced him out of the room . " Let go of me ! You can 't take me anywhere ! " The soldier guarding the door and the other remaining soldier grabbed Luke and Rachel , respectively , and pushed them out the door . Luke gave her a longing look , as if he wanted to fight the soldier , but knew it wasn 't the smart idea . That 'd be the first time he ever did that , she thought to herself . Luke wasn 't exactly known for making smart decisions , especially when it came to fighting . Julia didn 't know what to do now that everyone was out of the room . Where was her mom ? What about Frank ? What about her friends ' parents and siblings ? Which hospital was she in ? Nothing in the room gave her any indication of what was going on . Julia slowly removed the blanket covering her from the waist down and saw many gashes . Some had bandages , some had stitches , others were already scarring over . Her left arm was wrapped tightly . The sword made one final cut into Julia 's left arm . Even though the cut was just one of many - and certainly not the most painful - Julia still screamed out in pain . " Had enough yet dearie ? " Maddie yelled out . Julia took a second to compose herself and then straightened , with her sword in her right hand . " Do you see the last piece ? " Julia watched as her aunt 's facial expression turned sour . " Then no . " She was glad that her memory was slowly starting to come back to her , even if it was in pieces . She had a broken right wrist - the neon green cast poking out through the sling was a dead giveaway . She pulled up the hospital gown a little , revealing her stomach , and saw a huge bandage wrapped around her entire waist . There was a thick pad of gauze taped to her forehead . There were many scratches and scars that looked like claw marks . Her brown hair was obviously tangled and a huge mess . It had been pulled back into a random ponytail with a rubber band - probably something that a nurse had done before a surgery . Her blue eyes had lost the fire in them . They looked dull and weary . Two frightened nurses came into the room with a wheelchair and started unhooking Julia from all the machines . One of the nurses picked Julia up and placed her in the wheelchair . Together the two nurses pushed her all the way down the hallway , into the elevator , down to floor one and out the exit door . During the whole journey , Julia saw nobody . There wasn 't a single person in sight in this hospital . Only emergency lights were on to light the way . Julia was half expecting to see the exit doors have " Don 't Open Dead Inside " written on there . They went through the exit doors - no Walking Dead reference written on the wall , unfortunately - and stepped out onto a loading dock . Two soldiers came over and helped the nurses load the wheelchair into the back of a military truck , strapping it in so that it would not roll around during the drive . The nurses gave the soldiers a few instructions before they shut the door and hurried into the hospital . " The FBI does what it wants , " Adam mumbled . He was sitting on the floor across from her wheelchair with his legs pulled up to his chin . " Imagine the power these guys have . " Adam sure had a knack for thinking their possible demise was mind - blowingly awesome . This wasn 't the first time . Luke , despite the fact that the girls had gotten used to Adam 's geeky side , still punched him in the arm . " Dude ! This is not the time to be impressed ! We 're getting out sorry butts killed FOR SAVING THE FREAKIN ' WORLD I MIGHT ADD ! " " We didn 't exactly save the world yet , and they can 't hear you Luke , so shut up . " Rachel snapped . She had been sitting quietly in the corner , finally done with the tears . " Let 's just see if we can make a case for them not to kill us . We didn 't do anything wrong . " " They seem to think that the time - traveling thing is a threat to humanity . That 's interesting … " Adam said as he looked at the ground . The look in his eyes told Julia he was trying to do some weird , strange , large calculation in his head . " We 've just got to prove that we 're from this time period . They can see our birth certificates ! " Luke stood up , trying to get a seat across from Julia so that he could register her response . A bump in the road caused him to fall down into her lap , crushing her . He looked at her and saw that she was trying so hard not to cry from the pain . His eyes went wide . " Jules , I 'm so , so , so , so sorry . Are you okay ? " " No , " Adam shook his head , oblivious to the fact that Luke had just sat on Julia . " They 'll think we faked them . That 's easy to do . " " Why on earth would it be good to fake a birth certificate now Luke ? Why ? That 's about the dumbest thing I 've heard you say in a long time ! " " WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP ? " Julia yelled with every last ounce of energy she had left in her . She caught her breath and continued , all three of her friends staring at her in awe . " Stop … just … stop . " " That 's a heck of a story we 've got to tell , " Luke said in a reminiscing tone of voice . " It started over four years ago . A lot has happened in that time . " Luke grabbed Julia 's hand , giving it a light squeeze . Something had changed between them now . Of all the things she wanted to forget , her reaction was at the top of the list . He had proposed and she had denied him . Not only that , but she had humiliated him in the process . " That 'll buy us enough time to figure out what 's going on and how to stop it . I … I could tell every little detail . It would last days , maybe even weeks . It might just get us out of this mess . " " But do we want them to know everything that happened ? Every single detail ? " Adam paused , glancing at Rachel for a slight second . Julia figured she was the only one who noticed . " Is telling them everything going to be worth it ? " " What choice do we have ? " Luke grabbed Julia 's hand again . She held on tight , as if letting go meant losing him . She had already turned down his proposal . Julia let go of his hand and put it in her lap . She looked down at her hands to avoid the confused look Luke was probably giving her . It was the second time she had let go of his hand in a matter of minutes . He didn 't know what was going on and he didn 't like it . " We tell them everything and we might have a chance at walking away without a scratch . " Rachel looked at all three and giggled . " Well … no more scratches . " Julia let out a little laugh and then winced in pain . " So it 's settled then . Once we get to ' the base ' we tell them our story . Every . Last . Detail . " Upon arriving at the base , Julia , Luke , Adam and Rachel were all escorted to a tiny cell . Luke didn 't know how old the place was , but the prison cell they were in didn 't look like it had been used since his great - grandfather was a little kid . There were two small bunks - no doubt smaller than a twin - sized bed - and just enough space to fit another one . Since they had gotten there in the middle of the night , Rachel , Adam and Julia had all decided sleep was the best option . Rachel took the top bunk and fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow . Adam fell asleep curled up on the cold floor , using his jacket as a blanket . He couldn 't help but feel like he had failed Julia . He couldn 't do anything to save her . She was supposed to be the one to save them . She had saved their butts so many times . Luke wanted to be her knight in shining armor for once . Maybe if I hadn 't popped the question , Julia wouldn 't have been distracted and might have beaten Maddie . And then we wouldn 't even be in this mess . Those FBI jerks wouldn 't be preparing to kill us and Jules wouldn 't be in the position she 's in . Luke couldn 't help but wonder what his life would have been like if he had never signed up with the Warpers . No double life . No imprisonment . No time - traveling . But that also meant no friendship with Adam , no forgiveness from Rachel , no falling in love with Julia . Did the costs outweigh the benefits in this situation ? We 're in the process of saving the world . Where 's our parade ? Where 's our money and instant fame ? This is dumb . And mostly my fault . " Bad dream , huh ? " He asked her jokingly , but so quiet he questioned whether or not she heard him . Julia turned her head and nodded , rubbing her head where she had been hit . Julia closed her eyes , picturing the memory in her head . " She told me that if I didn 't do something for her someone I loved would die … but … but I didn 't finish it in time and … and … " Julia paused . A tear made its way down her cheek . " Well , you know what happened . " Luke wanted to grab her hand , stroke her cheek , anything . But something had changed between them . The fact that she wouldn 't hold hands with him on the truck ride to this hellhole was proof enough . He restrained himself . He knew immediately she was leaving a lot of details out . He also knew that she wasn 't telling him for a reason . He decided not to push . He was already on thin ice with her . " Don 't worry about it Julia . It was just a dream . She 's not going to kill anybody else . We 'll get to her before that happens . " Luke fell into temptations and slowly moved a hair off of her forehead . " I 'm not going to let her hurt you anymore . " " I don 't remember that . " Her eyes focused back on the bottom of the top bunk , avoiding eye contact with him . " The last thing I remember was starting the fight with Maddie . " Luke didn 't know what to say . He didn 't understand medical stuff . Adam would have some theory about brains and what not . Luke , on the other hand , just said the only thing he could think of . " Oh . That 's … interesting . " " Yeah . Gave me a heart attack too . " Julia smiled . " You stood up , said something , then fainted . Adam thinks you probably would have died if I hadn 't caught you . " " Adam ' bout killed us with his crazy driving to the hospital . Rachel called all of our parents . Once we got there , Adam tried to tell the doctors exactly what to do and he almost got kicked out of the hospital all together . " " Yeah , his annoying self at its best . You were in surgery all through the night . Your mom and Frank came by and spent the night at the hospital . Rachel 's dad came and picked her up and he was super pissed . Adam had to go to the airport to pick up his mom . " " Julia , " Luke reached for her hand , despite what his brain was telling him . " After what I said and you almost dying and then seeing you faint … I … I just couldn 't handle it . I 'm the reason all of this happened the way that it did . I wanted to find some way to make it up to you , but I couldn 't do anything if you didn 't wake up . So … I decided I was going to stay until you woke up . It … it was the least I could do . " " You thought everything that happened was your fault ? Luke … you 're all wrong . " Julia squeezed his hand . " Everything was going to go to hell , whether you were involved or not . " She smirked and he relaxed a little . " You had nothing to do with that . Don 't beat yourself up over it . " " But I can 't help but think that it was my fault . " He lowered his voice to a barely audible whisper . " That proposal was a mistake . I shouldn 't have done that . " " If we make it out of here alive , we can talk about what we both said . But right now that doesn 't matter . " Julia took a deep breath . " What … what happened next ? " " Oh yeah . That 's an understatement . Frank kept asking me weird questions . " Luke cleared his throat again , preparing his ' Frank ' accent . It was really a French accent , since Frank was born in France , but Luke insisted on calling it the Frank accent , after Julia 's step - father , naturally . " Like : how is college going ? Are you going to follow your father into professional baseball ? How many kids do you want to have ? Are you going to marry Julia soon or when you 're fifty ? " " Yeah … he 's one interesting step - dad . " Luke wallowed in the silence for a few seconds before continuing . " So after two days of just sitting around , Rachel came to visit . She was in tears and had a huge suitcase full of stuff with her . " " Her dad kicked her out . Told her that she could keep everything she could fit in that huge suitcase of hers . With the pregnancy scare and her coming clean about everything - " " And then Adam came back with his mom , before taking her to the hotel . Adam and Rachel had some intense conversation and I think they 're back on again , but I 'm not sure . When Adam came back from the hotel , he looked a little freaked . It was weird . " " I think so . " Luke 's eyebrows scrunched in confusion . Nobody in the world could keep up with that relationship . " So it was dinner on the fourth day when the FBI showed up . They had the entire hospital on lockdown . They came in , explained our situation , but they said they wouldn 't take us anywhere until they talked to you . So we were basically quarantined in your room until you woke up the next day . " " Are you doing okay ? " She asked him quietly . " Your left leg doesn 't look too good . I noticed a limp of some kind in the walk from the truck to here . " She motioned in the general direction of his leg . " Oh , that 's nothing . I just hurt my knee pretty badly . I 'm okay , I 've been walking on it for some time now . " " And I lived to tell the tale ! " Julia smiled with what she thought was a clever saying . If she had some kind of alcohol to drink , it would be the perfect reference to a movie - one that Luke couldn 't remember the name to right now . Luke patted her hand with his . " I 'm just glad you 're okay . I don 't know what I would have done if you had died . " He didn 't want to leave her side . He wanted to stay with her . Crawl into the bed and wrap an arm around her . Kiss her on the forehead and whisper " I love you . " The door to the room shut , giving the room an eerie sense of finality . This was it . This was their chance to convince them that they 're not terrorists . " Agent Tate . " Agent Tate pointed his pen at each person as he guessed their names . " And you are Rachel Cannon , Adam Washington , Luke Madden and Julia Holbrook . " " Good . Now that we all know each other . Who wants to start with your story ? I 'm sure you 'd like to make me sympathize with you … blah , blah , blah . " He rolled his eyes . " I can assure you it won 't work , but I am required to listen to you by executive order . " " Where do you want us to start ? " Rachel asked , changing the subject . Her newfound courage that had been gone just hours before surprised Julia , but she loved it . When Rachel was super confident and courageous , things went well for them . It was a good sign , whether Rachel was acting or not . " Thanks , " Julia muttered under her breath . She straightened up in her chair , looked straight at Agent Tate and cleared her throat . " It all started on my fifteenth birthday . " So I 'm working on editing chapter 2 right now . Comments are very much appreciated . I 'd love some feedback on this ! Thanks again for reading ! Have a great week ! Hey guys ! So I know I haven 't posted in over a year … but I 'm coming back for real this time . I 've got so many cool ideas and I 've got some more time to actually do this ! So here 's a little heads up about this post . I 've started to write a story . I don 't care if it ever gets past this blog , but I want to finish it . This is the prologue and the first chapter will be up soon , with chapter 2 on the way ( whenever I finish editing it ) . If you don 't read it , fine . If you read it and hate it , fine . If you read it and love it , fine . I 'm just putting it out there for those of you who like reading new stories . Coming up in weeks to come is a new thing I 've decided to do . It 's going to be looking through Disney movies and giving you the rundown … doing all the things you see other people do , but I 'm throwing my 2 cents into the ring because I consider myself and Disney fanatic . Ranking songs , talking about plot ( and pointing out plot holes ) , talking about the sequels , all kinds of stuff . So … for you fellow Disney fans , that 's coming ! I hope you guys enjoy ! Here 's the prologue to my story that I 'm writing … the name is still in the works , but I 'll let you know when I decide I 'll let you know . Right now , it 'll be under the category of " Story . " Thanks in advance to those who read this ! It means a lot ! And the real revival of " The City Never Sleeps at Night " is coming ! I mean it this time ! " Go away Evan ! " Julia yelled back at Evan through her tears . She couldn 't believe that she had put up with him and his stupid antics for this long . He had been trying to break her for the entire semester . At the mention of his self - proclaimed nemesis , Evan snapped . " Don 't you dare walk away from me like that ! " He grabbed her arm as she walked away , twirling her around and pulled her in close . So close that their faces were almost touching . " Do you think your ' friends ' would want to know your dirty little secret ? " " Let go of my arm ! " She struggled against his grasp , wanting to get a million miles away from Evan right now . She knew running from her problems never worked , but it sure would have made her feel better at the current moment . " You will not get me to do anything . " Julia could feel her anger radiating off of her . " Who do you think I am ? I 've had enough of this ! " " I 'm tired of the blackmail Evan ! I can 't do this ! It 's hurting more people than just me ! I want my life back ! " " LET ME GO ! " She stared into his brown eyes , noticing every orange speck . Each speck glowed with anger . " Or I 'll scream rape . " " We 're in the middle of a college campus … it 'd be real easy for somebody to call campus police . " A smile danced on her face for a brief second . " You know me , Evan . I never back down from a dare . " " And you won 't be far behind . " For a brief moment , she believed him , but she didn 't dare say anything or change her facial expression . She would rather get punched in the face repeatedly than make him think he had the upper hand in their conversation . " Think about that before you scream , " he taunted . " You have no proof . " She got out of Evan 's hold and took off running down the sidewalk . She had to get away . Luckily , he didn 't follow her . " You sure about that Holbrook ? " He called out after her . She shuttered at the thought that he might actually have evidence . What seemed as a noble mission at first now seemed to become her biggest regret . You didn 't do anything wrong , she kept telling herself . He doesn 't have evidence . There 's nothing wrong with what you chose . Two dribbles . Line up the shot . Release . That was the ninth one missed in a row . Julia had a game in two days and she couldn 't make her free throws anymore . Coach is gonna be ticked , she thought to herself . Julia was currently standing on the free throw line on the court of the University of Virginia 's basketball arena . The head coach of the women 's team had given all of the girls keys that gave them access to the court since the dorms didn 't have any decent courts nearby . With all the stuff that had been going on to her this semester , the basketball arena had become Julia 's sanctuary . She turned around to see none other than Luke Madden standing there in a red London 2012 Olympics t - shirt with a black jacket and faded blue jeans . He was pretending to hold a microphone as if he was the announcer analyzing her game - something he frequently did when they would play one - on - one back in high school . He had short blonde hair with hypnotizing green eyes and towered over her at six - foot one . Her heart did a little dance upon seeing him . " Luke ? " She couldn 't contain her excitement any longer . She dropped the basketball and ran into his arms . He picked her up and spun her around in the air , like one sees in the romantic movies . " Don 't act too excited to see me ! " He joked as he set her back on the ground . She noticed how his arms held her only inches from him , but she didn 't care . She loved it this way . It was things like this that she had missed . " Oh , who needs school ? " He smirked at her . Luke had one of those smiles that could melt even the coldest of hearts . " The real question is what 's going on to make you miss your free throws ? " " You only miss free throws when something 's bothering you . " He used a finger to gently push her chin up so that she would have no choice but to meet his eyes . " So what 's up with my favorite girl ? " She lowered her eyes to his chest out of shame . " I just needed to clear my head . I figured this would be the best place to do so . " " It is . I mean , come on ! This is an awesome basketball arena ! " He let go of Julia and walked over to the basketball rack and picked up a ball . " But just because you play college ball , doesn 't mean you 're better than me . " " But your brother is an Olympic gold medalist , Luke ! I 'm sure that was worth it . " She walked over toward him , still keeping a sizable distance between them . " You 're gonna have to tell me all about that , by the way . " She dribbled the ball in place , not making eye contact with him . She looked up for just a second to pass the ball back to him . " It 's something dumb . You wouldn 't care . " " That 's not true and you know it . " He passed it to her and walked over to the bench . He patted the seat next to him , signaling her to come sit by him . She hesitated before walking over there . After sitting down , Julia put her head in her hands . She didn 't want to look at Luke - not while telling him this . She peeked through her fingers and noticed a tiny " JRH " carved into the floor directly beneath her seat . She cringed and shook her head , trying to focus on the task at hand . " Wasn 't he our quarterback in high school ? " Luke knew the answer to the question . He knew all about Evan . They were once best friends , before they had that huge fight . Luke couldn 't stand how obnoxious he had become - and the fact that the two of them had been pining after Julia at the same time . The competition destroyed their friendship , but in Luke 's mind , it was for the better . The only things Luke ever heard from Evan now - a - days was him bragging about how great his life was . To say it was annoying would be an understatement in Luke 's mind . Julia couldn 't believe he still had that watch after everything that had happened . It had broken a long time ago . Little did she know , Luke kept wearing it because it reminded him of her . During his time in England , he needed every little reminder he could get . Julia glared at him . " You just want to win a bet , don 't you ? You 're still not over the fact that you never beat me on a bet ! " Julia started to laugh , but Luke cut her off . " WHAT ? " Luke 's facial expression went from playful and caring to full of rage faster than one can blink . " Did he hurt you ? ' Cause if he did I swear I 'll - " " I know what you 're thinking but hear me out first . " She could tell he didn 't want to talk . She knew he wanted to find Evan and pound his face in , but she had to tell him the whole story first - even if it was going to make him mad in the process . " Like what ? " Luke perked up , a smile growing on his face . " He found out you actually liked the Jonas Brothers back in the day ? I can understand how that can be humiliating for you . " " I thought your life as boring and completely pointless without me there . " Julia normally would have laughed . His overconfident self really did make her feel better . Focus Julia , focus . " Oh my gosh you killed him and didn 't tell me ! I knew you were a secret bad - a ! " She elbowed him . " Sorry ! Sorry ! Sorry ! Tell me Jules . " She glared at him . " If it 's something that you don 't want to say , you don 't have to . " " Of course I didn 't kill him ! " She took a deep breath . " I need to get this off my chest . " She started staring at the ground - at the " JRH " to be more exact . She knew this was going to be hard to say . " We were playing along the old creek not too far away from my house with that old , broken bridge , remember that one ? " Luke nodded . They had spent a lot of time there as kids before he had moved away in 3rd grade . " Well one day we went out there and the bridge had mysteriously been fixed . It wasn 't perfect , but it wasn 't broken anymore . He asked me if I would dare him to cross it and before I could answer he started going across . " Julia 's voice started to break . " It … it looked so safe and stable but I was ready to turn any second just in case he fell . But he never did , which surprised me more than him . He made it to the other side and turned around and cheered me on , so of course I started going . " It was obviously safe . I looked down to watch every step I made . Once I got to the other side , I … I looked up and he was there … but someone in … in a black cape came around and grabbed him and threw him to the side . He … or … she , I still don 't know … told me to go back home and not to tell anybody what I saw . He … he … was … shaking his head at me , telling me not to go … but … but … " Luke squeezed her hand . " What did you do ? " His voice was so soothing , something that had developed over the years . It was amazing to think that just four years ago he was self - absorbed and a egotistic ladies - man . Anyone that met him now would probably never believe the person he used to be . " No … at least I don 't think so … the memory 's a little fuzzy after that . " She took a deep breath . " They say sometimes we make ourselves forget traumatic experiences from our childhood . " " Luke , " Julia was trembling with fear now . She felt exposed . Vulnerable . She hated this feeling . " I was a scared , little kid . I didn 't know what to do . " " Of course it is ! " Julia wiped away tears from her eyes before they could escape to her cheeks . " It 's all my fault he was kidnapped ! I should have gotten help . I could have called the police and told them what I saw … who I saw . I could have done something … anything . I 'm basically responsible for his death . " " Because … because … I was afraid the person with the black cape would come after me . " Julia put her head in her hands . " I was so scared . " Another minute of silence . Julia glanced over at Luke . " Want to know the weirdest part ? " Luke nodded . " The memory seems more like a dream than anything . A nightmare , really . It just doesn 't seem real . I can 't even remember the boy 's name . " Luke watched her as she wiped away the last of the tears . He wanted to pull her into a hug and hold her until the tears were long gone , but he refrained . He would later wonder why that was . " He wanted me to do something for him , but wouldn 't say what until I agreed . I never did , so he continued to threaten me by saying he was going to call the police and have me arrested . He said he had enough evidence to get me convicted and sent to jail … for whatever crime he thought I had committed . " " So let me guess , you don 't want anything to do with me now ? " The tears had gotten the best of Julia again . Keeping everything bottled inside for so long was a good idea until this very moment . The floodgates had been opened and she wiped the tears off as fast as she could . " Now that I might be sent to jail for kidnapping and possibly murder … and whatever charge we 'd get for the other thing - " " No , of course not Jules ! " He turned to face her and wiped a tear of her cheek with his thumb . " You were a scared , little kid . I would have done the same thing . " " Why would I want to be in the same bed as you ? I don 't even like you . " Luke said as he stood up . He walked over to the basketball rack . Julia followed him over there and he handed her a ball . " Now made a dang free throw so we can leave . " Julia walked over to the free throw line . She was well aware of Luke 's presence a few feet behind her . It was almost as if time slowed after Julia let go of the ball . All the grief , regret , guilt and bad thoughts over the past ten years were attached to that ball . The second she let go of it , she felt immediately better . He pushed back just far enough to kiss her on the lips . It was a long , romantic , passionate kiss . He had waited so long to do this . He was determined to make it count . " I lied earlier . " He confessed to her in between kisses . " I like you a lot . " They both laughed and kissed some more . Boy have I missed this , Luke thought to himself . So there it is ! Let me know what you think ! I 'm up for criticism . Actually , I welcome it ! If you really liked it and want to get a hold of it faster , I have a separate blog up on wordpress just for this story , but I 'll be putting it up on here too . The website is : http : / / vanhabersham . wordpress . com / if you want to get it there . |
Agent Tate looked down at his watch and stood up . All four teenagers looked in between each other , not sure of what to think of his actions . Was it a good or bad action ? How were they doing ? What was going on ? None of them could be completely sure . " I 've got to step outside for a few minutes . You 'll be allowed a bathroom break . " And with that , Agent Tate walked out of the room . A soldier walked in moments after he walked in and politely offered to escort anybody to the bathroom . The change in demeanor of the soldiers surprised Julia . They had been nothing but rude and forceful only just yesterday . Something wasn 't quite right . It could have just been Julia , but she swore she saw him glare directly at Rachel . She knew what he was doing . Adam was giving Luke the chance to talk to her alone - which is something she wanted more than anything in the world , just not today . Not now . Not after what happened . Not after that awkward moment that screwed up their relationship and put their future in jeopardy . It was unavoidable . And she hated it . " Are you really putting me in this position right now ? Like I haven 't got enough pressure on my shoulders right now ! " Julia shook her head , trying to be subtle enough for Luke not to notice . Adam smirked , knowing exactly what he was doing . The small room with the one table seemed even smaller , despite the loss of people . The room felt colder and it had nothing to do with the air conditioner . Julia looked down at her lap , avoiding Luke 's gaze . Her right shoulder felt the weight of the sling pushing down on it , the strap digging into her skin . She took a shaky breath and reached with her left arm and tried to reach up to adjust the shoulder . The pain in her arm made it difficult to reach far enough to adjust the strap . Before she could say anything else , Luke closed the small gap between them and kissed her gently on the lips . For those few brief seconds , everything disappeared in Julia 's mind . All she thought about was him . The good memories , that is . She remembered the reasons she had fallen in love with him in the first place . He pulled back just a few inches and placed his hand on her cheek , his thumb stroking it slowly and gently . " We 'll get through this Jules . " His whisper was soft and sweet , like the cherry on top of a sundae . He had that effect on her . She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and it took all of her willpower to push them down . " You know that 's not what I want to talk about , " she whispered back . She could hear the shakiness in her voice . " What we need to talk about . " " I 'm not taking it back Jules . Yes , it was bad timing . Yes , I know I shouldn 't have shoved that on you at that moment . But I … I don 't regret it . " Luke shook his head and took her hands in his . She regretted her words immediately . A heavy burden ? Inside her mind , she was banging her head on the table . " I don 't think of it that way , Jules . I … " He took a deep breath and gripped her hands a little tighter . " Something changed in London Jules . I … I had that light bulb moment that they always have in the movies . I realized that my life … it … it meant nothing without you in it . I realized that it didn 't matter when I saw you next , but I made my choice then and there that I was going to marry you someday . And … and I had to say something to let you know how I feel before I let you slip away . " Luke leaned in a little bit closer . " I don 't ever intend on letting you slip away from me ever again , Jules . Not ever . And someday in the future you and I are gonna get married and everything will be perfect but today … " Luke smiled , despite the fact that he was close to tears himself - mostly from the pain in his leg , but he wasn 't going to let her know that . He pushed the tears away . " Today … I want to make the commitment . " Julia froze . Luke hates commitments . He 's horrible at them . It 's the reason why their relationship had a rocky start in the first place . It 's why she was worried he was going to leave their mission at any second . He just didn 't do commitments . " I want you to know that I will always be there for you every hour of every day . And that I 'm gonna love you every second that I 'm breathing and with every beat of my heart . I - " " Stop , " Julia closed her eyes . " Please . " Luke watched her intently as she gathered her thoughts . So many things to say . She knew they were pressed for time . Agent Tate , Adam or Rachel could walk in at any moment . This could be their last chance to talk alone . She would be stupid to believe no one was listening in or watching through the security camera perched in the corner of the room , but at this moment it was just her and Luke . Julia searched his eyes for any sign of doubt . If there was even the slightest hint of doubt , she could say no . She could push him away . She could not have to deal with this . She wouldn 't have to worry about hurting him . She could go through with the plan knowing that he would be able to move on someday and marry thereal girl of his dreams . That tiny bit of doubt would make what she had to do easier . But she couldn 't find anything but love . True , unconditional love . Damn , she cursed inside her mind . Julia swallowed back the guilt and the deceit and the lies and let a tear escape down her cheek . It was Julia who closed the gap this time , pressing her lips against his . She didn 't want to make it too passionate or he would know something was up . It was gentle , kind , loving and purely magical . If her life were a cheesy movie , fireworks would be going off in the background . She knew these kisses had to stop , or she wouldn 't be able to do what she knew had to be done , but she couldn 't help it . Luke kissed her on the tip of her nose . " Right . I don 't want to rush you sweetheart , I just want you to know that I am committed to us . " Luke 's hand snaked around her shoulders , resting lightly on top of her right shoulder . " I … " Her moment to tell him the truth came . But why couldn 't she do it ? Why couldn 't she tell him what was coming ? Why couldn 't she tell him the real reason she turned him down before ? Julia grabbed Luke 's free hand with her left hand and gripped it with all her might . " Things … things are only going to get worse . " A few more tears fell down her cheeks . She didn 't bother to wipe them away and neither did Luke . A tingling sensation spread through her leg as a tear fell onto her skin right where her jeans had been torn . Julia assumed it was a result of her fight with Maddie , even though she still couldn 't remember it . Despite the strange feeling , Julia didn 't shutter . She leaned forward and kissed Luke 's cheek , lingering there after she did so . " But now is not the time to be talking about the future , " she whispered into his ear . " Let 's focus on making it out alive for right now . " She kissed him once more on the cheek , this time quickly . " We have the rest of our lives to figure out what we want to do but we have to make decisions about our situation we 're in now or we 're going to die . " Adam and Rachel walked in and sat down . Julia adjusted the strap on her sling once more , her left hand shaking as she did so . The four sat in silence for a few moments , waiting for Agent Tate to reappear . Underneath the table , Luke 's hand found Julia 's free one . He gently squeezed it , attempting to give her a boost of confidence . It wasn 't working . He didn 't know what was coming . He didn 't know the heartache headed their way . He didn 't know what she had done . The family resemblance to Julia was uncanny . They both had the same brown hair and electric blue eyes . He was a few inches older than her and had this old aura around him . Spending a lot of time in the past did that to a person , as the four teenagers had found over the past four years . At the mention of her aunt , Julia cringed . Luke 's grip on her hand grew tighter . The silence created a dangerous ambiance for the four teenagers . Anything they said could lead to their conviction , and later their execution . They had to tread carefully . " I 'm here to help , and I 'm doing my best to get you four out of here , but they 've got some serious evidence against you . " Dustin leaned forward on the table with his elbows . " It 's pretty damning . " " Dustin , is there any chance at all that we might get out of this alive ? " Julia asked quietly . She felt the eyes of her three friends on her , but she couldn 't look their way . Dustin would be able to find away out , if there was one to find . She nodded , knowing exactly what he was saying . With great risks and sacrifices comes great rewards . If they were to save the world , they would have to sacrifice a lot . For Julia , it would be the life she knew and love . " What does that mean ? " Rachel asked , obviously frustrated with the secrets . " What else do we have to sacrifice ? We 've already given up so much already ! " Dustin reached and grabbed her hand , patting it lightly as if she were a child . " I know my dear . I know . But it would risk putting all of you in even more danger . We can 't have that happen before Maddie strikes back . If you all are stuck here , you won 't be able to save us . " " Then be light on details . You don 't know him that well . " Dustin leaned back in his chair . " He 's as mysterious as Evan . " Luke 's face scrunched up in anger . Rachel didn 't seem to know what Dustin was talking about . Adam , on the other hand , seemed to understand . Adam had always been suspicious of Evan for reasons unknown to Julia . After her first semester at the University of Virginia , she wasn 't questioning him for a minute . " Be wary of what you say . Agent Tate isn 't the only one listening . She is too , " he whispered into her ear . " We 'll talk soon about what has to be done . " He let go of her and waved to the others as he walked out of the room . Julia slowly sat back down in her chair and Luke draped his arm on the back of her chair . " Is it just me or does that guy get more mysterious after every visit ? " Luke asked the group . Rachel shrugged . Adam had his eyes closed and was tapping his fingers on his thigh . Julia knew this look all too well : he was trying to figure things out . Julia did nothing but stare at the chair in which her uncle had just occupied , not wanting to explain things to Adam if he figured things out before Agent Tate came back . Luke and Rachel talked around them , but Julia blocked all of it out . That is until Rachel spoke up . Adam opened his eyes and turned to face Julia . " Is it one of your injuries ? Do you need a doctor ? " His eyes revealed nothing . If he had solved the puzzle , he wasn 't ready to talk about it yet . " Are you sure ? " Rachel asked . Julia could see the concern on her friend 's face . She wanted so badly to tell them what was coming . To vent . To get their opinions . But she couldn 't . Dustin reminded her of that . Agent Tate burst through the door and sat back down , straightening his suit . He picked up his pen and started tapping it nervously against the piece of paper . Julia didn 't think to look at it while he was gone , and he didn 't care . " You got it dude , " Jonathon smirked as he turned on his heel . His job was to find a quick way out of the city and hurry back . If things didn 't work out the way they wanted , they needed a quick escape . Jonathon , the time - traveling genius friend of theirs , headed toward the Mayan city . His dark brown hair , darkened over the years they had known him , and his electric blue eyes gave him somewhat of a resemblance to Julia . He never stayed in one time period too long for reasons he never explained . The guy was more mystery than anything else and he liked it that way . Better to keep everything secret than to complicate things with the truth . Falling into line with him was Candy , his girlfriend of two years . It was surprising how she had lost most of the baby weight in three months . Training for this very day was quite the work - out . Her bleach blonde hair pulled up in a high pony tail without a hair out of place . Her slick black suit hugged her tiny figure but did not hide the old aura surrounding her . Being born in the 1820 's and living in the 2100 's for the past few years does that to a person . There was no telling where her three - month old son Michael was right now . Jonathon slipped his hand in hers as they walked down the pathway back toward the city . Julia smiled . She couldn 't help it . Their love story was so beautiful . Any girl had the right to be jealous of the two . As they walked away , Julia turned to Lynn , who gave her a hug . A strange occurrence all on its own . Her black hair was pulled back in a braid similar to the one Julia saw Jennifer Lawrence sport in the Hunger Games movie earlier in the year . Her darker skin and calculating grey eyes gave her the Indian warrior princess look . Lynn was one of the fiercest fighters Julia had ever known and she was glad to have her on their side , and as a friend . Next was Rachel , who pulled Julia into a tight hug . " You come back to me , okay ? " She whispered into her ear . Rachel 's curly , recently dyed strawberry blonde hair was falling out of her loose ponytail . Her brown eyes were holding back tears . Julia held on to her best friend for a little while longer before letting go . Every extra second delayed the inevitable . Rachel nodded before composing herself . Julia 's best friend then followed Lynn around the base of the pyramid . Their goal was to find anyone who might spoil their plan and keep them occupied before they did so . " Let 's do this thing ! " Luke said enthusiastically , even thought he knew none of them were excited about what was about to happen . He looked to his left and saw Julia and Adam giving him a weird looks . " Oh , come on ! Somebody 's got to be optimistic ! " All three stared up at the long staircase . Julia took both Luke and Adam 's hands as they ascended the staircase . With swords on their belts , they felt like warriors heading off to war for the first time . But in reality , they had been at war for four long years and this battle was the ending point . Someone was going to surrender tonight - hopefully not them . Once they got to the top , Adam gave Julia a hug . " You can do this . I believe in you , " he whispered into her ear . His black hair and blue eyes covered by black glasses making him look like a major nerd , but Julia thought it was cute . He got his smarts and his looks from his mother , making Julia wonder if he had inherited anything from the mysterious birth father of his . At first , Julia only stared into his hypnotizing green eyes . His blonde hair was a little messy today . Last night , he had spent the night in her dorm room . He had kissed her goodnight and then plopped on the futon . In the middle of the night , the recurring nightmare came back , as it did when she thought of her old , lost childhood friend . Scared of sleep , she crawled onto the futon with him and he held her tight , as he had done numerous times before . Nothing had happened , of course , but she had finally gotten sleep after hearing his encouraging , loving words whispered softly to her . Luke pulled Julia into a hug before she could ruin the moment by talking . " The little nerd 's got a point for once . " Luke whispered to her . " I love you Jules , you know that right ? " She nodded . Her body was starting to tremble with fear . There was no turning back now . Luke kissed her on the forehead and started to walk around the wall in the opposite direction of Adam , according to the plan . After rounding the corner , he stood still . The only movement he made was his right hand running through his blonde hair . The girl he loved was about to fight to the death . I should be used to this by now , he thought to himself . But I 'm not . He took his sword out from his belt and held it out in front of him . He continued to walk along the wall when he got a tap on his shoulder . He turned around as fast as he could , ready to strike with his sword . " Luke ! It 's me ! " Julia blurted out . The sword was two inches from her throat . After realizing the error of his ways , Luke lowered the sword and put it back in his belt . " Because it 's you Jules ! " He took a step closer . " You 've got to believe in yourself . All of us do , so why can 't you ? " " I … I just have a feeling that it 's not me . I 'm not cut out for this . If I go in there , I 'm going to fail . Just like Evan said ! And failing in this situation means … means … death . " " Yes ! " He put his hands on her shoulders . " You 've got to believe it Jules ! You 've got to go in there and kill that horrible aunt of yours and end all her crap ! " " Now that 's not the Jules I know ! The Jules I 've known since birth has got more courage and more strength than anybody I know ! She 's … she 's the girl that I fell in love with . " He paused . After hesitating , he reached down into his right sock and pulled out a ring . " I came back to the States a day early to surprise you . " He paused , but only for a second . " But you were all upset and I felt like this would be the last thing you would want at the moment . And then we came here … " " Uh … yeah . " He smirked to himself looking at the ring and all the happy years it was going to bring them . He sighed . He shook his head , coming back to his senses . " But that doesn 't mean anything now . I don 't know why I pulled that out , I 'm sorry . I guess I just … wanted you to know that I had it … " He shook his head , feeling more idiotic than ever , and reached back down to put the ring in his sock . " Yeah Jules . " A smile grew on his face . " I love you . All I 've done since I left for England was think of you . All that I 've ever done is think of you . " " Jules , you 're beating yourself up for no reason . " He took one of her hands and placed it on his heart . He placed his hand on top of hers , immediately making her face heat up . " I knew in my heart that you were the girl for me and that someday it 'd be official . My time in London showed me that I can 't wait anymore . " He moved a hair off of her face and tucked it behind her ear . " But we 've got to get through today first . You 're going to come back after this , Jules . You 're going to come out of there with the ninth piece and the world 's not going to end and all that crap . " Julia took a few deep breaths and looked as if she could punch someone in the face any second . It wouldn 't have mattered if she had punched him , he wouldn 't have felt it . That 's how numb he felt at her rejection . No , not a rejection , it was worse than that . After a few tense moments , she closed the gap between them and kissed him passionately . To him , it felt like a goodbye kiss , like she was preparing for the worst . But he knew that she would make it back . How come she couldn 't see that ? She saw her dad . The memories flashed by like a montage sequence in a movie . It started with him trying to help her shoot a basketball back when she was five and ended with the last time she ever saw him alive . " You played great tonight , Julie Ju . You could be in the pro 's someday if you keep it up . I 'll see you at home , okay ? Have fun with your friends . Love you sweetie . " A hug and a kiss on the cheek later and she would never seen him again . She saw her mother . She saw her trying to force Julia into a dress for church when she was a little girl . She saw the pile of tissues on her bed after learning of Julia 's father 's death . She saw her in the kitchen cooking after school , like she did every day they had lived in Boston . She saw how happy she was on her second wedding day , holding hands with her new step - father Frank . When was the last time she had talked to her mother ? It seemed like ages . She saw her friends . Adam doing homework . Rachel on the sidelines cheering on the football team . Three months pregnant Candy laughing so hard at one of Luke 's lame jokes while camping that one time . Lynn showing her the pictures of her family for the first time . And then she saw Luke . Luke : the boy she grew up with . Her best friend since birth . The boy who fell for her back in ninth grade . The boy who had risked everything that was important to him to help out with the Warpers - not that he had a choice . The man he had turned into over the past four years . The man she had fallen in love with . Julia opened her eyes . She wasn 't doing this for herself . She was doing this for them . She had to . Her father was already dead . Others would follow if she didn 't succeed today , including herself . Julia took one step into the room and saw her aunt standing right across from her . Her dark brown - almost black - curly hair was draped over her shoulders . She was dressed for a fight : slick , black pants , low - cut , skin - tight , long - sleeved black shirt . In Julia 's opinion , she looked like Scarlett Johansson in the Avengers - minus the red hair . Her blue eyes reminded Julia of a stormy sea . The electric look in her eyes had slowly faded over the past four years - she was losing her power and strength . Julia was hoping to take advantage of that . " Oh darling ! " Her aunt 's British accent echoed throughout the room . " I thought you would never show up ! Let 's not waste any time ! " Julia 's eyes fluttered open at the sound of someone yelling . She noticed Luke leaning back in a chair next to her bed . Rachel and Adam were pacing back and forth in the small hospital room . Rachel was crying . Adam looked like he hadn 't slept in a week . Luke looked furious . Luke even had that angry undertone to his voice . Whatever they were talking about was seriously ticking him off . The pain of all of her injuries was coming to Julia in a slow steady stream . It took all of her energy to keep her eyes open and stay conscious . Whatever had happened to her while fighting Maddie must have been brutal . She only wished could remember what had happened . The last thing she remembered was walking into the temple . Maybe she didn 't want to know . Maybe her brain was doing her a favor by erasing those memories . Time would only tell . " Adam , you know everything ! " Luke continued . " How do we get the heck out of this ! There 's got to be someone we can talk to ! " Luke whisper - yelled at Adam . Julia saw how none of them had noticed she was awake . She must not have been out that long . Maybe they were all still mad about what happened back at the Mayan pyramid . It seemed like it was only seconds ago … " I 'm thinking ! I 'm thinking ! " Adam stopped pacing and glared at Luke . " There 's not a single way that things ends up good for us ! We can 't tell these guys no ! We can 't lie either ! They know everything ! " Julia 's vision finally cleared completely . She saw that all three of her friends had bandages , stitches and scars all over their body . Adam even had a cast on his right wrist . Julia could only assume she looked just as bad , but most likely worse since she was the only one in a hospital bed hooked up to machines . " W - w - who knows everything ? " Julia barely croaked out . Her voice silenced a room of three people complaining , crying and freaking out over something Julia was still in the dark about . " Unlike you Luke , I can 't sleep forever . " A smile grew on Luke 's face at her sarcastic remark . He was just happy she was alive . " How long was I asleep ? " " And the FBI is trying to nail us for terrorism , " Adam whispered while shaking his head . He was now at the foot of the hospital bed . Rachel was sitting in a chair by the door wiping tears off her cheeks . " They claim what we 've been doing qualifies as ' crimes against humanity . ' If we get convicted , we 're all going to be executed . " " I still can 't believe this . We saved the world and now the world wants us dead ! Are they going to release our story into the public ? Nobody would believe it . " Luke asked Adam as he got up to check the blinds to see if anyone was on the other side of the door . Julia couldn 't see what was going on outside from where the bed was positioned . " No , the FBI won 't do that . If the public doesn 't know time travel exists , they 're not going to come out now and tell them . We need some kind of proof that what we did was good for humanity and fast . Otherwise we 're all dead . " " I don 't want to be executed ! " Rachel burst out into more tears and Adam put his arm over her shoulders , holding her close . " We just went through hell and back and the FBI is making us go back ! " The tears were making her words hard to decipher . Luckily , Julia had become pretty good at understanding her while crying . " My dad already hates me enough . I 'm practically dead to him now . He 's probably burning pictures of me at home as we speak . " It was at that moment that the door almost came flying off its hinges . Three soldiers with big guns came rushing in , pointing the guns at each of the teenagers . Once they decided it was secure , a man in a tuxedo came in and directed one of the soldiers to fix the door and stand guard . Tuxedo Man stood at the foot of the bed and glared down at Julia . Luke nodded and tried to help Julia sit up , but she waved him off . Despite the pain , she was not going to look weak . She cringed every second . Something had to be broken or bruised in her stomach area . " I 'm not the leader . " Julia surprised herself with the amount of courage in her voice . On the inside she was trembling with fear . This FBI guy was pretty scary looking as it was . " Oh , dear . What a shame . " He pointed a finger at one of the soldiers who readied his gun . Click . Tuxedo Man moved as close to Julia as the hospital bed would allow . " DO NOT PLAY GAMES WITH ME JULIA ! " He moved back a little and straightened his tie , composing himself . " Just tell us why you did it and we might lighten your sentence . " " How can you lighten an execution sentence ? Make it less painful ? " Luke murmured from the other side of the bed . One of the soldiers seized him while the other pointed his loaded gun straight at his chest . " I … I don 't know what you 're talking about . C - c - could you at least tell me what 's going on ? I just woke up . " Julia tried to keep the shakiness out of her voice , but it wasn 't working . Seeing Luke being held at gunpoint was not exactly the morale boosting sight she was hoping for . " I 'm referring to your little time travel stunt Julia . " Tuxedo Man sat down in a chair . He seemed calm and relaxed , which was out of place in this tense ambiance . " That classifies as crimes against humanity and leaning towards terrorism . My branch of the FBI has sent me to bring you four into custody . " " How does time - traveling count as a crime against humanity ? We didn 't mess with anything . History still played out the same way . What 's the problem ? " " We didn 't leave any trace of anything strange happening . No one wrote of us , no pictures were taken , nothing . You can look all you want but everything is the same . We didn 't get to pick when or where we went . The book did that for us . " Julia threw up her hands in frustration . " Like I know ! " She immediately regretted her decision due to the searing pain in both arms . " I 've been unconscious for five days ! " " We didn 't get it back before we came back from our last little escapade , " Adam added calmly . Julia knew it was his way of giving her some more information of the situation at hand . Maybe he knew Julia didn 't remember what happened at the top of the Mayan temple . If anyone was going to figure it out , it would have been him . " I am telling you the truth , " Julia snapped . She took a deep breath to calm herself down . " Yes , theoretically anyone could have it . But the last place I saw it , it was at my house . I 'm sure you 've already checked there . Heck , Maddie might even have it . " Adam wanted to hit his head onto the window and Julia knew it . Her exhaustion , pain and amnesia wasn 't helping her think clearly right now . This conversation needed to stop now . If it didn 't , something wasn 't going to go their way and they were going to end up dead . " That 's not an answer . " Tuxedo Man stood up and walked over to the soldier holding Luke . " We can easily kill your friend Luke here . He 's disposable to us in this investigation . You 're the leader , Miss Holbrook . You 're the only one that the FBI currently needs . Your sidekick over here won 't be necessary . " Julia noticed Adam roll his eyes out of the corner of her eyes . She glanced his direction and rolled his eyes some more . They won 't , he mouthed to her . Luke fought against the soldier , muttering something incoherent . The soldier holding him kneed the back of his knee , causing Luke to falter . The soldier holding the gun to his chest pushed it closer , but did not shoot - thankfully . Julia felt anger boiling inside of her , despite Adam 's warning . Luke was anything but disposable . Luke was her childhood friend . They grew up together in a small town outside of Atlanta . When they were seven , Luke 's father got transferred to Seattle and Julia thought she was never going to see her best friend again . Luckily in the 7th grade , both Julia and Luke 's fathers got transferred to Boston , reuniting them for the first time in years . Over the years , they had fallen in love . Julia knew Luke was the man she was going to marry some day , despite the fact that she had turned him down . He just had bad timing , that 's all . The pressure got to you , she reminded herself . She couldn 't imagine life without him . Julia couldn 't think of a single way he was disposable . He was strong , funny , great - looking , good with a sword and a gun , caring , compassionate , loyal … the list went on and on . Julia couldn 't think of one good memory that didn 't have him involved in some way . He was her whole life . She couldn 't , and wouldn 't , get him killed . Never ever . " I don 't know , " Julia said quietly , staring at Luke . He was staring back . " We were forced back here for some reason . I honestly have no clue where she is . " The next few moments were critical . Julia answered as honestly as she could . She didn 't know if Luke , Adam or Rachel had seen Maddie while she was knocked out - they hadn 't given her enough time to ask . But Tuxedo Man didn 't know that . If she hadn 't convinced him that she was telling the truth , Luke would be killed . " Fine . Take them to the car . We 're heading to base . " Tuxedo Man stood up and moved to exit the room . " I 'll make arrangements for her . " He looked right at Julia , looked her over , as if searching for more information , and walked out of the room . " Base ? " Adam asked . One of the soldiers came over , grabbed him by the arm and forced him out of the room . " Let go of me ! You can 't take me anywhere ! " The soldier guarding the door and the other remaining soldier grabbed Luke and Rachel , respectively , and pushed them out the door . Luke gave her a longing look , as if he wanted to fight the soldier , but knew it wasn 't the smart idea . That 'd be the first time he ever did that , she thought to herself . Luke wasn 't exactly known for making smart decisions , especially when it came to fighting . Julia didn 't know what to do now that everyone was out of the room . Where was her mom ? What about Frank ? What about her friends ' parents and siblings ? Which hospital was she in ? Nothing in the room gave her any indication of what was going on . Julia slowly removed the blanket covering her from the waist down and saw many gashes . Some had bandages , some had stitches , others were already scarring over . Her left arm was wrapped tightly . The sword made one final cut into Julia 's left arm . Even though the cut was just one of many - and certainly not the most painful - Julia still screamed out in pain . " Had enough yet dearie ? " Maddie yelled out . Julia took a second to compose herself and then straightened , with her sword in her right hand . " Do you see the last piece ? " Julia watched as her aunt 's facial expression turned sour . " Then no . " She was glad that her memory was slowly starting to come back to her , even if it was in pieces . She had a broken right wrist - the neon green cast poking out through the sling was a dead giveaway . She pulled up the hospital gown a little , revealing her stomach , and saw a huge bandage wrapped around her entire waist . There was a thick pad of gauze taped to her forehead . There were many scratches and scars that looked like claw marks . Her brown hair was obviously tangled and a huge mess . It had been pulled back into a random ponytail with a rubber band - probably something that a nurse had done before a surgery . Her blue eyes had lost the fire in them . They looked dull and weary . Two frightened nurses came into the room with a wheelchair and started unhooking Julia from all the machines . One of the nurses picked Julia up and placed her in the wheelchair . Together the two nurses pushed her all the way down the hallway , into the elevator , down to floor one and out the exit door . During the whole journey , Julia saw nobody . There wasn 't a single person in sight in this hospital . Only emergency lights were on to light the way . Julia was half expecting to see the exit doors have " Don 't Open Dead Inside " written on there . They went through the exit doors - no Walking Dead reference written on the wall , unfortunately - and stepped out onto a loading dock . Two soldiers came over and helped the nurses load the wheelchair into the back of a military truck , strapping it in so that it would not roll around during the drive . The nurses gave the soldiers a few instructions before they shut the door and hurried into the hospital . " The FBI does what it wants , " Adam mumbled . He was sitting on the floor across from her wheelchair with his legs pulled up to his chin . " Imagine the power these guys have . " Adam sure had a knack for thinking their possible demise was mind - blowingly awesome . This wasn 't the first time . Luke , despite the fact that the girls had gotten used to Adam 's geeky side , still punched him in the arm . " Dude ! This is not the time to be impressed ! We 're getting out sorry butts killed FOR SAVING THE FREAKIN ' WORLD I MIGHT ADD ! " " We didn 't exactly save the world yet , and they can 't hear you Luke , so shut up . " Rachel snapped . She had been sitting quietly in the corner , finally done with the tears . " Let 's just see if we can make a case for them not to kill us . We didn 't do anything wrong . " " They seem to think that the time - traveling thing is a threat to humanity . That 's interesting … " Adam said as he looked at the ground . The look in his eyes told Julia he was trying to do some weird , strange , large calculation in his head . " We 've just got to prove that we 're from this time period . They can see our birth certificates ! " Luke stood up , trying to get a seat across from Julia so that he could register her response . A bump in the road caused him to fall down into her lap , crushing her . He looked at her and saw that she was trying so hard not to cry from the pain . His eyes went wide . " Jules , I 'm so , so , so , so sorry . Are you okay ? " " No , " Adam shook his head , oblivious to the fact that Luke had just sat on Julia . " They 'll think we faked them . That 's easy to do . " " Why on earth would it be good to fake a birth certificate now Luke ? Why ? That 's about the dumbest thing I 've heard you say in a long time ! " " WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP ? " Julia yelled with every last ounce of energy she had left in her . She caught her breath and continued , all three of her friends staring at her in awe . " Stop … just … stop . " " That 's a heck of a story we 've got to tell , " Luke said in a reminiscing tone of voice . " It started over four years ago . A lot has happened in that time . " Luke grabbed Julia 's hand , giving it a light squeeze . Something had changed between them now . Of all the things she wanted to forget , her reaction was at the top of the list . He had proposed and she had denied him . Not only that , but she had humiliated him in the process . " That 'll buy us enough time to figure out what 's going on and how to stop it . I … I could tell every little detail . It would last days , maybe even weeks . It might just get us out of this mess . " " But do we want them to know everything that happened ? Every single detail ? " Adam paused , glancing at Rachel for a slight second . Julia figured she was the only one who noticed . " Is telling them everything going to be worth it ? " " What choice do we have ? " Luke grabbed Julia 's hand again . She held on tight , as if letting go meant losing him . She had already turned down his proposal . Julia let go of his hand and put it in her lap . She looked down at her hands to avoid the confused look Luke was probably giving her . It was the second time she had let go of his hand in a matter of minutes . He didn 't know what was going on and he didn 't like it . " We tell them everything and we might have a chance at walking away without a scratch . " Rachel looked at all three and giggled . " Well … no more scratches . " Julia let out a little laugh and then winced in pain . " So it 's settled then . Once we get to ' the base ' we tell them our story . Every . Last . Detail . " Upon arriving at the base , Julia , Luke , Adam and Rachel were all escorted to a tiny cell . Luke didn 't know how old the place was , but the prison cell they were in didn 't look like it had been used since his great - grandfather was a little kid . There were two small bunks - no doubt smaller than a twin - sized bed - and just enough space to fit another one . Since they had gotten there in the middle of the night , Rachel , Adam and Julia had all decided sleep was the best option . Rachel took the top bunk and fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow . Adam fell asleep curled up on the cold floor , using his jacket as a blanket . He couldn 't help but feel like he had failed Julia . He couldn 't do anything to save her . She was supposed to be the one to save them . She had saved their butts so many times . Luke wanted to be her knight in shining armor for once . Maybe if I hadn 't popped the question , Julia wouldn 't have been distracted and might have beaten Maddie . And then we wouldn 't even be in this mess . Those FBI jerks wouldn 't be preparing to kill us and Jules wouldn 't be in the position she 's in . Luke couldn 't help but wonder what his life would have been like if he had never signed up with the Warpers . No double life . No imprisonment . No time - traveling . But that also meant no friendship with Adam , no forgiveness from Rachel , no falling in love with Julia . Did the costs outweigh the benefits in this situation ? We 're in the process of saving the world . Where 's our parade ? Where 's our money and instant fame ? This is dumb . And mostly my fault . " Bad dream , huh ? " He asked her jokingly , but so quiet he questioned whether or not she heard him . Julia turned her head and nodded , rubbing her head where she had been hit . Julia closed her eyes , picturing the memory in her head . " She told me that if I didn 't do something for her someone I loved would die … but … but I didn 't finish it in time and … and … " Julia paused . A tear made its way down her cheek . " Well , you know what happened . " Luke wanted to grab her hand , stroke her cheek , anything . But something had changed between them . The fact that she wouldn 't hold hands with him on the truck ride to this hellhole was proof enough . He restrained himself . He knew immediately she was leaving a lot of details out . He also knew that she wasn 't telling him for a reason . He decided not to push . He was already on thin ice with her . " Don 't worry about it Julia . It was just a dream . She 's not going to kill anybody else . We 'll get to her before that happens . " Luke fell into temptations and slowly moved a hair off of her forehead . " I 'm not going to let her hurt you anymore . " " I don 't remember that . " Her eyes focused back on the bottom of the top bunk , avoiding eye contact with him . " The last thing I remember was starting the fight with Maddie . " Luke didn 't know what to say . He didn 't understand medical stuff . Adam would have some theory about brains and what not . Luke , on the other hand , just said the only thing he could think of . " Oh . That 's … interesting . " " Yeah . Gave me a heart attack too . " Julia smiled . " You stood up , said something , then fainted . Adam thinks you probably would have died if I hadn 't caught you . " " Adam ' bout killed us with his crazy driving to the hospital . Rachel called all of our parents . Once we got there , Adam tried to tell the doctors exactly what to do and he almost got kicked out of the hospital all together . " " Yeah , his annoying self at its best . You were in surgery all through the night . Your mom and Frank came by and spent the night at the hospital . Rachel 's dad came and picked her up and he was super pissed . Adam had to go to the airport to pick up his mom . " " Julia , " Luke reached for her hand , despite what his brain was telling him . " After what I said and you almost dying and then seeing you faint … I … I just couldn 't handle it . I 'm the reason all of this happened the way that it did . I wanted to find some way to make it up to you , but I couldn 't do anything if you didn 't wake up . So … I decided I was going to stay until you woke up . It … it was the least I could do . " " You thought everything that happened was your fault ? Luke … you 're all wrong . " Julia squeezed his hand . " Everything was going to go to hell , whether you were involved or not . " She smirked and he relaxed a little . " You had nothing to do with that . Don 't beat yourself up over it . " " But I can 't help but think that it was my fault . " He lowered his voice to a barely audible whisper . " That proposal was a mistake . I shouldn 't have done that . " " If we make it out of here alive , we can talk about what we both said . But right now that doesn 't matter . " Julia took a deep breath . " What … what happened next ? " " Oh yeah . That 's an understatement . Frank kept asking me weird questions . " Luke cleared his throat again , preparing his ' Frank ' accent . It was really a French accent , since Frank was born in France , but Luke insisted on calling it the Frank accent , after Julia 's step - father , naturally . " Like : how is college going ? Are you going to follow your father into professional baseball ? How many kids do you want to have ? Are you going to marry Julia soon or when you 're fifty ? " " Yeah … he 's one interesting step - dad . " Luke wallowed in the silence for a few seconds before continuing . " So after two days of just sitting around , Rachel came to visit . She was in tears and had a huge suitcase full of stuff with her . " " Her dad kicked her out . Told her that she could keep everything she could fit in that huge suitcase of hers . With the pregnancy scare and her coming clean about everything - " " And then Adam came back with his mom , before taking her to the hotel . Adam and Rachel had some intense conversation and I think they 're back on again , but I 'm not sure . When Adam came back from the hotel , he looked a little freaked . It was weird . " " I think so . " Luke 's eyebrows scrunched in confusion . Nobody in the world could keep up with that relationship . " So it was dinner on the fourth day when the FBI showed up . They had the entire hospital on lockdown . They came in , explained our situation , but they said they wouldn 't take us anywhere until they talked to you . So we were basically quarantined in your room until you woke up the next day . " " Are you doing okay ? " She asked him quietly . " Your left leg doesn 't look too good . I noticed a limp of some kind in the walk from the truck to here . " She motioned in the general direction of his leg . " Oh , that 's nothing . I just hurt my knee pretty badly . I 'm okay , I 've been walking on it for some time now . " " And I lived to tell the tale ! " Julia smiled with what she thought was a clever saying . If she had some kind of alcohol to drink , it would be the perfect reference to a movie - one that Luke couldn 't remember the name to right now . Luke patted her hand with his . " I 'm just glad you 're okay . I don 't know what I would have done if you had died . " He didn 't want to leave her side . He wanted to stay with her . Crawl into the bed and wrap an arm around her . Kiss her on the forehead and whisper " I love you . " The door to the room shut , giving the room an eerie sense of finality . This was it . This was their chance to convince them that they 're not terrorists . " Agent Tate . " Agent Tate pointed his pen at each person as he guessed their names . " And you are Rachel Cannon , Adam Washington , Luke Madden and Julia Holbrook . " " Good . Now that we all know each other . Who wants to start with your story ? I 'm sure you 'd like to make me sympathize with you … blah , blah , blah . " He rolled his eyes . " I can assure you it won 't work , but I am required to listen to you by executive order . " " Where do you want us to start ? " Rachel asked , changing the subject . Her newfound courage that had been gone just hours before surprised Julia , but she loved it . When Rachel was super confident and courageous , things went well for them . It was a good sign , whether Rachel was acting or not . " Thanks , " Julia muttered under her breath . She straightened up in her chair , looked straight at Agent Tate and cleared her throat . " It all started on my fifteenth birthday . " So I 'm working on editing chapter 2 right now . Comments are very much appreciated . I 'd love some feedback on this ! Thanks again for reading ! Have a great week ! Hey guys ! So I know I haven 't posted in over a year … but I 'm coming back for real this time . I 've got so many cool ideas and I 've got some more time to actually do this ! So here 's a little heads up about this post . I 've started to write a story . I don 't care if it ever gets past this blog , but I want to finish it . This is the prologue and the first chapter will be up soon , with chapter 2 on the way ( whenever I finish editing it ) . If you don 't read it , fine . If you read it and hate it , fine . If you read it and love it , fine . I 'm just putting it out there for those of you who like reading new stories . Coming up in weeks to come is a new thing I 've decided to do . It 's going to be looking through Disney movies and giving you the rundown … doing all the things you see other people do , but I 'm throwing my 2 cents into the ring because I consider myself and Disney fanatic . Ranking songs , talking about plot ( and pointing out plot holes ) , talking about the sequels , all kinds of stuff . So … for you fellow Disney fans , that 's coming ! I hope you guys enjoy ! Here 's the prologue to my story that I 'm writing … the name is still in the works , but I 'll let you know when I decide I 'll let you know . Right now , it 'll be under the category of " Story . " Thanks in advance to those who read this ! It means a lot ! And the real revival of " The City Never Sleeps at Night " is coming ! I mean it this time ! " Go away Evan ! " Julia yelled back at Evan through her tears . She couldn 't believe that she had put up with him and his stupid antics for this long . He had been trying to break her for the entire semester . At the mention of his self - proclaimed nemesis , Evan snapped . " Don 't you dare walk away from me like that ! " He grabbed her arm as she walked away , twirling her around and pulled her in close . So close that their faces were almost touching . " Do you think your ' friends ' would want to know your dirty little secret ? " " Let go of my arm ! " She struggled against his grasp , wanting to get a million miles away from Evan right now . She knew running from her problems never worked , but it sure would have made her feel better at the current moment . " You will not get me to do anything . " Julia could feel her anger radiating off of her . " Who do you think I am ? I 've had enough of this ! " " I 'm tired of the blackmail Evan ! I can 't do this ! It 's hurting more people than just me ! I want my life back ! " " LET ME GO ! " She stared into his brown eyes , noticing every orange speck . Each speck glowed with anger . " Or I 'll scream rape . " " We 're in the middle of a college campus … it 'd be real easy for somebody to call campus police . " A smile danced on her face for a brief second . " You know me , Evan . I never back down from a dare . " " And you won 't be far behind . " For a brief moment , she believed him , but she didn 't dare say anything or change her facial expression . She would rather get punched in the face repeatedly than make him think he had the upper hand in their conversation . " Think about that before you scream , " he taunted . " You have no proof . " She got out of Evan 's hold and took off running down the sidewalk . She had to get away . Luckily , he didn 't follow her . " You sure about that Holbrook ? " He called out after her . She shuttered at the thought that he might actually have evidence . What seemed as a noble mission at first now seemed to become her biggest regret . You didn 't do anything wrong , she kept telling herself . He doesn 't have evidence . There 's nothing wrong with what you chose . Two dribbles . Line up the shot . Release . That was the ninth one missed in a row . Julia had a game in two days and she couldn 't make her free throws anymore . Coach is gonna be ticked , she thought to herself . Julia was currently standing on the free throw line on the court of the University of Virginia 's basketball arena . The head coach of the women 's team had given all of the girls keys that gave them access to the court since the dorms didn 't have any decent courts nearby . With all the stuff that had been going on to her this semester , the basketball arena had become Julia 's sanctuary . She turned around to see none other than Luke Madden standing there in a red London 2012 Olympics t - shirt with a black jacket and faded blue jeans . He was pretending to hold a microphone as if he was the announcer analyzing her game - something he frequently did when they would play one - on - one back in high school . He had short blonde hair with hypnotizing green eyes and towered over her at six - foot one . Her heart did a little dance upon seeing him . " Luke ? " She couldn 't contain her excitement any longer . She dropped the basketball and ran into his arms . He picked her up and spun her around in the air , like one sees in the romantic movies . " Don 't act too excited to see me ! " He joked as he set her back on the ground . She noticed how his arms held her only inches from him , but she didn 't care . She loved it this way . It was things like this that she had missed . " Oh , who needs school ? " He smirked at her . Luke had one of those smiles that could melt even the coldest of hearts . " The real question is what 's going on to make you miss your free throws ? " " You only miss free throws when something 's bothering you . " He used a finger to gently push her chin up so that she would have no choice but to meet his eyes . " So what 's up with my favorite girl ? " She lowered her eyes to his chest out of shame . " I just needed to clear my head . I figured this would be the best place to do so . " " It is . I mean , come on ! This is an awesome basketball arena ! " He let go of Julia and walked over to the basketball rack and picked up a ball . " But just because you play college ball , doesn 't mean you 're better than me . " " But your brother is an Olympic gold medalist , Luke ! I 'm sure that was worth it . " She walked over toward him , still keeping a sizable distance between them . " You 're gonna have to tell me all about that , by the way . " She dribbled the ball in place , not making eye contact with him . She looked up for just a second to pass the ball back to him . " It 's something dumb . You wouldn 't care . " " That 's not true and you know it . " He passed it to her and walked over to the bench . He patted the seat next to him , signaling her to come sit by him . She hesitated before walking over there . After sitting down , Julia put her head in her hands . She didn 't want to look at Luke - not while telling him this . She peeked through her fingers and noticed a tiny " JRH " carved into the floor directly beneath her seat . She cringed and shook her head , trying to focus on the task at hand . " Wasn 't he our quarterback in high school ? " Luke knew the answer to the question . He knew all about Evan . They were once best friends , before they had that huge fight . Luke couldn 't stand how obnoxious he had become - and the fact that the two of them had been pining after Julia at the same time . The competition destroyed their friendship , but in Luke 's mind , it was for the better . The only things Luke ever heard from Evan now - a - days was him bragging about how great his life was . To say it was annoying would be an understatement in Luke 's mind . Julia couldn 't believe he still had that watch after everything that had happened . It had broken a long time ago . Little did she know , Luke kept wearing it because it reminded him of her . During his time in England , he needed every little reminder he could get . Julia glared at him . " You just want to win a bet , don 't you ? You 're still not over the fact that you never beat me on a bet ! " Julia started to laugh , but Luke cut her off . " WHAT ? " Luke 's facial expression went from playful and caring to full of rage faster than one can blink . " Did he hurt you ? ' Cause if he did I swear I 'll - " " I know what you 're thinking but hear me out first . " She could tell he didn 't want to talk . She knew he wanted to find Evan and pound his face in , but she had to tell him the whole story first - even if it was going to make him mad in the process . " Like what ? " Luke perked up , a smile growing on his face . " He found out you actually liked the Jonas Brothers back in the day ? I can understand how that can be humiliating for you . " " I thought your life as boring and completely pointless without me there . " Julia normally would have laughed . His overconfident self really did make her feel better . Focus Julia , focus . " Oh my gosh you killed him and didn 't tell me ! I knew you were a secret bad - a ! " She elbowed him . " Sorry ! Sorry ! Sorry ! Tell me Jules . " She glared at him . " If it 's something that you don 't want to say , you don 't have to . " " Of course I didn 't kill him ! " She took a deep breath . " I need to get this off my chest . " She started staring at the ground - at the " JRH " to be more exact . She knew this was going to be hard to say . " We were playing along the old creek not too far away from my house with that old , broken bridge , remember that one ? " Luke nodded . They had spent a lot of time there as kids before he had moved away in 3rd grade . " Well one day we went out there and the bridge had mysteriously been fixed . It wasn 't perfect , but it wasn 't broken anymore . He asked me if I would dare him to cross it and before I could answer he started going across . " Julia 's voice started to break . " It … it looked so safe and stable but I was ready to turn any second just in case he fell . But he never did , which surprised me more than him . He made it to the other side and turned around and cheered me on , so of course I started going . " It was obviously safe . I looked down to watch every step I made . Once I got to the other side , I … I looked up and he was there … but someone in … in a black cape came around and grabbed him and threw him to the side . He … or … she , I still don 't know … told me to go back home and not to tell anybody what I saw . He … he … was … shaking his head at me , telling me not to go … but … but … " Luke squeezed her hand . " What did you do ? " His voice was so soothing , something that had developed over the years . It was amazing to think that just four years ago he was self - absorbed and a egotistic ladies - man . Anyone that met him now would probably never believe the person he used to be . " No … at least I don 't think so … the memory 's a little fuzzy after that . " She took a deep breath . " They say sometimes we make ourselves forget traumatic experiences from our childhood . " " Luke , " Julia was trembling with fear now . She felt exposed . Vulnerable . She hated this feeling . " I was a scared , little kid . I didn 't know what to do . " " Of course it is ! " Julia wiped away tears from her eyes before they could escape to her cheeks . " It 's all my fault he was kidnapped ! I should have gotten help . I could have called the police and told them what I saw … who I saw . I could have done something … anything . I 'm basically responsible for his death . " " Because … because … I was afraid the person with the black cape would come after me . " Julia put her head in her hands . " I was so scared . " Another minute of silence . Julia glanced over at Luke . " Want to know the weirdest part ? " Luke nodded . " The memory seems more like a dream than anything . A nightmare , really . It just doesn 't seem real . I can 't even remember the boy 's name . " Luke watched her as she wiped away the last of the tears . He wanted to pull her into a hug and hold her until the tears were long gone , but he refrained . He would later wonder why that was . " He wanted me to do something for him , but wouldn 't say what until I agreed . I never did , so he continued to threaten me by saying he was going to call the police and have me arrested . He said he had enough evidence to get me convicted and sent to jail … for whatever crime he thought I had committed . " " So let me guess , you don 't want anything to do with me now ? " The tears had gotten the best of Julia again . Keeping everything bottled inside for so long was a good idea until this very moment . The floodgates had been opened and she wiped the tears off as fast as she could . " Now that I might be sent to jail for kidnapping and possibly murder … and whatever charge we 'd get for the other thing - " " No , of course not Jules ! " He turned to face her and wiped a tear of her cheek with his thumb . " You were a scared , little kid . I would have done the same thing . " " Why would I want to be in the same bed as you ? I don 't even like you . " Luke said as he stood up . He walked over to the basketball rack . Julia followed him over there and he handed her a ball . " Now made a dang free throw so we can leave . " Julia walked over to the free throw line . She was well aware of Luke 's presence a few feet behind her . It was almost as if time slowed after Julia let go of the ball . All the grief , regret , guilt and bad thoughts over the past ten years were attached to that ball . The second she let go of it , she felt immediately better . He pushed back just far enough to kiss her on the lips . It was a long , romantic , passionate kiss . He had waited so long to do this . He was determined to make it count . " I lied earlier . " He confessed to her in between kisses . " I like you a lot . " They both laughed and kissed some more . Boy have I missed this , Luke thought to himself . So there it is ! Let me know what you think ! I 'm up for criticism . Actually , I welcome it ! If you really liked it and want to get a hold of it faster , I have a separate blog up on wordpress just for this story , but I 'll be putting it up on here too . The website is : http : / / vanhabersham . wordpress . com / if you want to get it there . |
A few days ago I drove home from Grand Marais . It was past 8 p . m . when I rolled into town . I had this feeling that I should go see Barry so I drove to his care center . I grabbed a bottle of wine out of my car that had one serving of wine left in it . Once again I thought he was dead when I walked in . He was in his hospital gown , and it was pulled way up so you could see the diaper he wears . He now weighs just 104 pounds and the diaper is so big that it could be wrapped around him twice . His eyes were open . I looked at his chest as I always do now and I didn 't think it was moving . I thought to myself : this is the day Barry has gone to heaven . But as he always does when I pull up the chair to sit , he woke up very startled to see me . I pulled his gown down , unable to look at those skinny legs starting to kick again . I sat down , poured myself that small glass of wine , held his hand and tried hard to imagine what we might be doing if Barry didn 't have this horrible FTD . I could not think about anything else except being stuck in this place and wanting to head back up north as fast I could . It is easier to imagine what could have been , what should have been when I am not at the care center . Barry fell back to sleep . I finished the wine and drove back to my apartment to unpack , wait and try to imagine what might have been - or what will be . Last week I babysat my granddaughters while their dad was in England and their mom busy with her school conferences . My goal as a parent was to always keep my kids busy so they would take long naps and I could get some work done . I can 't sit still and like to stay busy , so it just works out . On this day of babysitting , my goal to keep my granddaughters busy . We began the day at YoYo Donuts because grandma badly needed a donut . The girls knew immediately what donut they wanted . One had a pumpkin donut and the other a yellow one ! Each ate half of their donut and were soon running circles around the donut shop . When Charlotte started to jog in place shaking her arms and head , I knew it was time to go the park . We drove to Lone Lake , one of my favorite parks , just a block or two from the donut shop . I used to bring Barry there when he was first diagnosed with FTD . We had a few picnics at the park because I wanted to get him out of the house . But Barry was not happy to be away from his TV and waffles back then . I soon gave up trying to get him out . The girls were wild and couldn 't wait to explore the park , slides and swings . We hiked and looked for fish in the lake . We even found some cool mushrooms . I tried to sit on a bench and watch the girls run and climb but they yelled , " Grandma catch me , Grandma push me on the swing . " As I crawled slowly through a tiny tunnel on my 63 - year - old knees , I thought how lucky I am . When the girls started to tire , it was time to go see Grandpa Barry . Charlotte asked , " Are we seeing the Grandpa in the bed ? " Wow that made me feel sad . That is all they know about this Grandpa . Part of me doesn 't want to bring them there . I want to protect them from it all . I don 't want them to see their Grandpa lying in a bed with diapers on . But that is not fair to Barry . I have no idea what he thinks when he sees these two beautiful little girls but if he gets any joy from them at all , it is worth bringing them . The girls got their second wind when we arrived at Barry 's room . They ran down the hall to play the piano . They wanted a cup of water from the dispenser , multiple cups . When they got tired of that , they ran down the hall until they came face - to - face with a very old woman who had full and wide grey hair and one eye . She wanted to hold them and said in a very loud voice with her arms stretched out , " Come here ! Come here ! " Suddenly I had two , quiet little girls who wanted to be held . We went back to Barry 's room and I had them sit quietly in two chairs while I gave Barry some water . They watched quietly until Charlotte got up and walked over to rub Barry 's arm . She did it a couple of times . That was huge connection for a four - year - old to make . I saw Barry looking closely at her . I hope he felt a little love from her and , most of all , that he knows he is not alone and is loved . We soon had to leave because Lilly was tired and both girls were hungry . After lunch , I put them to bed . They both slept a long time and so did I . 9 Comments ↓ Got a call from Barry 's care center about his yearly flu shot . Last year they guilted me into letting him have the shot . This year I am standing my ground . I said no to the vaccine . Barry never leaves his bed so who can he infect ? Every day is a constant test of my will as I try hard to guide Barry along as FTD takes over his entire body . I really hate thinking about all this but I have to because it is my job as his wife . Resuming my daily care center visits with Barry is harder than I thought it would be . I live in a state of denial while I am up north . I think about Barry all the time while I 'm away , but then I head off on a hike and lose myself for a few hours looking for neat stuff growing out of the forest floor . But when I return and look into the face of FTD every day , I have a hard time doing anything productive after sitting with Barry for an hour or two . I feel so bad for him and at the same time lonely for the north woods . Barry now weighs 109 pounds but still moves a lot in his bed . He holds his feet a few inches up and kicks them back and forth . I try to hold his hand , but after a bit , he reaches for something near his head and I don 't understand what he is trying to do . He looks like a very sick old man . One day his entire floor of patients seemed a bit off . One guy down the hall was swearing loudly and an old lady was asking for help and her mother . ( Poor thing . ) I blame it on the full moon . I received a message from Barry 's hospice nurse a few days ago telling me she noticed that Barry stops breathing while asleep . She figures maybe he always had sleep apnea ; and she is right . For years and years Barry snored loudly and would gasp for air countless times during the night . I complained and begged and pleaded for him to have a sleep test done but he stubbornly refused to admit he had a problem . So I continued to kick and nudge him all night long and listen for that snort that meant he was breathing again . I did that until I moved into an empty bedroom in our house when FTD was starting to take over his frontal lobe . He is too far gone now for me to say , " See , I told you so ! " Dang it . I went to his room the other day and he was asleep so I quietly watched him for a long time . His mouth had that sucked - in look of no teeth , although he has teeth . It is just that he is so thin . I watched as his chest stopped moving , then a few seconds later he gasped for air . Then again no breathing and a gasp . As I sat there , I thought maybe today is the day he will stop gasping for air and that beautiful full moon will guide him up to heaven . But then as Barry stopped breathing once again , the swearing guy down the hall shouted " Fuck You " really loud . Barry gasped for air and was startled awake . He looked over at me and then started kicking his legs and moving his arms - as a guy with FTD does . How did I get here ? Four years ago I was struggling to get through the day . My entire world and the life I thought I would be living was over because of my husband 's FTD . Those of you that follow my blog have read about my increasing interest in mushrooms this past summer . But this new passion actually started a year ago last September when I discovered a lobster mushroom . I guess it was also about that time that I stopped looking back on all I had lost and started looking forward to what my life might look like someday . Now a year later I am a new person , a new Nancy that I am still getting get to know . I took a mushroom identification class in August . For five hours I sat spellbound , learning about some species of mushrooms that would be coming in late summer and autumn . I was armed with new knowledge and ready to get back up north to hike . It 's really weird because I am not usually a person filled with the need to learn new things . I used to be pretty happy to just spend my days drawing , using my imagination and wandering around the woods without a plan . But I am different person now and I hike with a plan . I choose a route in the forest that has certain trees where I might find the mushroom I am looking for . In the mushroom class , I told one of the instructors about my becoming hooked last summer on trying to find the lobster mushroom . He told me the lobster is the gateway drug that gets people hooked on mushroom hunting . That 's mushroom hunters ' humor . Funny thing is that the more I have learned about the lobster mushroom , the more I realize that perhaps I am so interested in them because they remind of the FTD in my husband Barry 's brain . A lobster mushroom is a fungus that takes over other mushrooms , even ones that are not edible , and turns them into prized edible specimens . As I learned about it , I kept thinking of Barry 's brain being taken over and totally changed . The old Barry is gone and in his place is a new Barry with FTD surrounding his frontal lobe . It is just like a little white mushroom in the forest being taken over by lobster fungus that turns it brilliant orange in color , making it hard to miss as you hike in the woods . This summer while Barry lies waiting to die but not succeeding yet , I wander the woods and make new friends . A man I met up north who also took the mushroom class came by my place with a new GPS device for me . It was a gift from him and his wife so I would stop getting lost in the woods . What nice people I am meeting this summer . The GPS device helps me find my way in the woods and trusting the new Nancy helps me find my way through this new chapter of my life . During the class , we learned about the lion 's mane or pompom mushroom . It usually grows high in trees that are rotted or decayed . I listened carefully as the instructor told us that this mushroom has medical uses for dementia and Alzheimer 's disease . Too late for Barry , I thought , but not for me . I left the class and headed up north , determined to find this species . I hiked for a few days , then by chance on a beautiful trail stopped to catch my breath and looked up . There , attached to an old rotted birch tree , were at least five bunches of the lion 's mane . I could not believe it . I shouted " YES " out loud , but I was alone except for a few crows hanging around . I found a long stick , but even by jumping up I could not reach the lowest bunch . I tried In the morning , I hiked about 45 minutes to the dead tree and realized it was too far to hike carrying a ladder . Then I discovered there was no need for a ladder when I spied a rotted tree blown down by a light wind laying on the side of the trail with most of the lion 's mane still attached . Some of the mushroom was scattered right in the middle of the trail and I was able togather a huge bag full . " What luck , " I said out loud to those crows still hanging around . It was lucky that I found the downed tree , but the success depended on my determination and taking the time to hike back there and check it out . I feel the new person I am becoming is more confident and , best of all , hopeful as I head into this new chapter of my life . Later I shared the lion 's mane mushroom as a pizza topping with some friends . It was delicious . Today I will head out hiking again . I won 't get lost . I know what I am looking for in the forest and , best of all , I am learning that this new Nancy is going to make it after all . Today I got a call from the care center where Barry lies in bed day after day . The nurse only calls when something is wrong . I am up north staying at the little cabin that I am renting for two months this summer . I was just home for a week and Barry seemed to be stable , so I headed north once again to write . The call came as I headed into town to get a donut , another delaying tactic as I try to write . My heart stopped when I saw who the caller was . I let it go into voicemail because I really didn 't want to hear the news from a live person . So this would be the day Barry has died , I thought to myself . A beautiful late summer day with me so far away from him . I stopped and listened to the message as tourists , mostly couples , holding hands on a romantic getaway walked around me . I looked out at the lake and listened to the nurse tell me that Barry had fallen but was not hurt in any way . He went on to say that Barry had actually gotten out of bed and tried to walk into the hallway . He grabbed the door handle , falling slowly down on his back while the door slammed shut . The sound startled the nurses who ran to his room . Barry was lying on the floor , looking confused but unhurt in any way . The nurse said that everyone was surprised that Barry found a way to get out of bed . I was shocked that Barry , weighing just 111 pounds , had found the strength to walk on his own . He is all bones and lose skin with little effective muscle after two years in a bed . In the end , the nurse said all was fine and if I needed to talk more about it , he would be in all day . I stood on this beautiful morning feeling sad and so confused . Was Barry looking for me ? Does he wonder if I have left him for good ? Does he wonder if I do not care anymore ? Should I go home ? Should I sit by his bed until he dies ? There is no guidebook for this journey . No rules . No one to tell me what to do . I can 't get over some of the twists and turns that have occurred along this journey with my husband Barry and his FTD . I am no longer surprised when " serendipity " suddenly appears out of the blue . I remember a few weeks ago when Barry 's nurse told me that I should not stop feeding him because he is not quite finished here on earth . The nurse added that I also am not done learning from Barry and this journey . His words were powerful and I have continued to have Barry fed , when he can swallow . Late this spring , my niece Sally asked if I would speak to a class at Southview Junior High School where she helps out each week . It is a special education program with the great name of ASPIRE . When the teacher asked if I would give a talk , I explained that I charge for speaking engagements . I still feel guilty even after all these years about charging schools for a talk ; but it is how I make a living . The teacher emailed back , saying that they did not have any money for a speaker . So that was that . But a few days later she emailed to say a parent had stepped forward to pay for me to come . I felt pretty guilty again , but a few weeks later I went to speak at the school . It was a fun morning . There was lots of excitement as I taught the students how to draw my characters . A couple of the guys really , really liked drawing and kept telling me so ! I loved it because the kids were so happy and enthusiastic . I also was really proud to see Sally maturing into such a caring young woman . A few days later , school was out for summer vacation and I was on to other things , like visiting Barry at his care center each day . As I visited the care center on a lovely summer day , I felt crabby and irritated as I walked by two young men waiting outside the care center front door . As I passed , I heard one say , " That looks just like Nancy Carlson . " I turned around and said , " I am Nancy Carlson ! " I then noticed the teacher and that one of the boys was wearing a Southview Junior High shirt . I remembered them both from that class visit . Sam especially liked drawing and when I was done speaking to his class , he said , " I am going to be an author and illustrator just like you Nancy Carlson ! " Turns out that Sam and Ryan worked during the summer at the care center each morning . They might do a craft , read the sports page to a resident or help with simple exercises . They also do a little cleaning . Wow . Serendipity showed up again . Both boys were so happy to help each day at the care center and their joy made me feel better about being there as well . So now I seek out the boys and take time to visit with them when I visit Barry . Each day they are thrilled with just about everything . They don 't see the place as sad and depressing . They love their work and feel proud . The feeling of pride is a good thing for all of us to experience . I still don 't love the place , but I am kind of proud that I am surviving this journey . Sam and Ryan 's happy spirits rub off on me each time I see them and I feel better about being there . I guess Barry 's nurse was right when he said that I still have more to learn . Thank you Sam and Ryan for teaching me the lesson of finding some joy in each day ! Today as I hiked higher and higher on the Superior Hiking Trail , another memory popped into my mind . This is what I find so interesting about hiking : the brain brings up things when you least expect them . I couldn 't just space - out and hike . My brain had me remember a fall day back when I was a waitress working nights . I was riding my bike back home in the early morning dressed in my waitress uniform that was filthy after a night of serving hot fudge sundaes and greasy burgers to drunks . My apron pockets were heavy with tips . It had been a busy night . I was tired . There was a guy I had seen the last few mornings standing at the bus stop as I rode by . He always tried to talk to me : " Just coming home ? " " Where do you work ? " I always just rode by , irritated at this stranger bugging me so early in the morning . Later I met that same guy at the YMCA . By then I had traded in my waitress uniform for a swimsuit and my WSI certificate . I was a lifeguard and this irritating guy from the bus stop corner ended up swimming each day at my YMCA . Believe it or not , that same guy later became my husband . I had not thought about the bus stop story until that moment on the trail . I wondered why it was in my brain now . What was I supposed to learn from that memory ? Maybe I was meant to just enjoy the memory from those early days . I now think that Barry and I were destined to meet and live this journey together . I am up north hiking once again , trying hard , as a party of one , to hike the complete Superior Hiking Trail , which is rated as one of the top ten hiking trails in the country . My plan is to finish the Superior Hiking Trail sometime this year . I rented a small cabin in the area for a few weeks in July and August , with trips back to Minneapolis to see Barry and teach some classes . I hiked today about four hours , going two hours in from Cascade River State Park toward the Caribou Trail . As I hiked , I thought about the class I teach to adults who want to write and illustrate a picture book . It was a glorious day and this trail was a challenge . At one point , the trail ascended and I thought I would never get to the top . I really don 't mind going up ; it 's the going down I don 't like on my 62 - year - old knees . As usual along the way , I looked for edible mushrooms . Yesterday , I found some chanterelles that ended up sautéed and in my eggs . In addition to hiking , I am writing a book about this journey Barry and I are on with FTD . But I have to admit that I am hiking more than writing at this point . Right now hiking and writing are the only plans I have as I wait to see what comes next . As I admired the gorgeous view from the trail , my phone rang . I was surprised to get a signal . I struggled to find my phone in my backpack , but by the time I did , the call went to voice mail . Whenever my phone rings , I worry that the call is about Barry . I could barely hear the message from the Hospice nurse . My heart stopped . Was Barry dead ? I played it again . But it was the same message as always : Barry was visited by the nurse . He was in bed and tried to talk . No change and to call if I had any questions . I was surprised by how panicky I felt when I could not clearly hear the message . I am waiting for the call that Barry has died . It 's a call I know is coming , but I still felt very nervous listening to the message . I hadn 't really been thinking about Barry at all on this hike . But now as I looked down the huge cliff , guilt overcame me again as I imagined Barry back at the care center while I hiked on this beautiful day . In any event , I hiked on , going higher and longer as I tried to put that call behind me . But I couldn 't get it out of my mind , so I hiked down ( painfully ) , drove back to the little rented cabin and got to work . If I am going to be away for a couple of weeks while Barry lies waiting in the care center , I better damn produce something . And that is exactly what I did on this beautiful July day . I am up north writing this because I really need some uninterrupted time to concentrate on turning my blog into a memoir . I have this week off between teaching classes and some speaking engagements this summer , so I packed up my stuff and drove to Grand Marais . I also want to finish the Superior Hiking Trail . I completed the last half of the trail to the Canadian border , but still have the section from Grand Marais to Jay Cooke State Park to go . It is a long way because I am really doing it twice . I am hiking alone so I drive to a trailhead , walk a couple of hours into a campground , then backtrack to my car . The next day I will drive to another trailhead and hike to that same campground but from the other direction . There is a Superior Hiking Trail pickup service , but I actually like seeing the trail from both directions . Plus with my lack of a sense of direction , this is a great way not to get lost . I am renting a little place in town and it is perfect . I hike each morning then go back to write and draw . It dawns on me as I sit eating lunch in a huge field overlooking Lake Superior that I can work anywhere now . This wasn 't always the case . Back when we were a growing family , we always looked for homes where I could work . It was important to Barry that I have a good work space . I , too , felt that I needed the perfect spot to create . The space needed natural light , quiet and it needed to be away from all the family hubbub . I preferred to have my studio at home because before bed I loved to take a look at what I worked on that day . I would either be pleased with a picture or , sometimes , I knew that a piece would need work the next day . But that is a lifetime ago , before FTD entered our lives . In the past five years , I have worked in all sorts of places . For example , not too long ago , I worked in a basement with no natural light and my mom ironing right next to me as I tried to draw . I have worked in a warehouse space where my son worked and in a room next to a " massage therapist " who did a lot more than massage backs . I also created a work space at my friend 's house every time I watched her dogs for a week or two . I succeeded in all these places and now realize that I really don 't need a fancy space . I just need ideas and a bit of quiet . After my hike I drive to the little cabin and begin to write on my laptop . Tonight I will sit on the couch , turn on the radio and doodle away . It is good to know that no matter where I go and where I might live someday , I will find a way to create . It 's just what I do . Amid loss , Minn . author Nancy Carlson still makes children 's books . Writer and illustrator Nancy Carlson recently read from her new children 's book , called " Sometimes You Barf , " at Red Balloon Books in St . Paul . Read More at the Star Tribune |
At 9 a . m . on the 29th day of May , we stopped by our favorite produce stand at Holden Beach . The Old Farmall thermometer read 84 degrees in the shade . There was a fair breeze blowing but not enough to cut the thick humidity that hung in the air that felt like it could drown a man if he took too deep of a breath . The shed that was built onto the back of the family run business was large and airy and served two purposes - a shelter from the rain , and shade from the hot , scorching sun that draws crowds to the Carolina beaches . The first of the corn crops had come in from the fields surrounding the shed , and the first of many corn shuckings was already taking place . The old men shucking the corn had been here many times before . They had adopted their own carefree method of pulling back the husks , snapping them off at the base , and running their calloused hands down the length of the ear getting most of the fine silks off with one swoop . Instead of a production line , each man did his own ear of corn from start to finish . A production line would have hastened the process but it was not the way of these men . They savored each moment of the shucking - enjoying the feel of the ears of the first crop . They were in no hurry and walked away from time to time to have a smoke or wait on a customer . As I observed them from a distance , my mind wandered back to the hot , humid summer days of my youth and the three old men I stood beside getting produce ready for the market day after day . Back to a time when I could hear my Daddy 's voice through the groggy depths of worry - free sleep that you 're only privileged to have when you are young and clueless . " Your Mama 's got breakfast ready - time to get up " . I didn 't even have to look at the old clock on my nightstand . I knew that the little hand was on five and the big hand was on six - the exact same position of the hands I saw six days out of every week of my summer vacation . Daddy would let me sleep for about ten more minutes , much like my alarm clock does now , but when I heard " Snap to it " , I knew my day had begun . 5 : 30 was a much too early wake - up call during my teen years during the mid - 1960 's , especially since I had stayed up half the night writing poetry and listening to the sweet sounds of WABC New York radio station - 770 on my radio dial . It was nothing but static during the day , but when those hot , cloudless summer nights rolled around in the sunny South , it was clear as a bell . Songs by the Beatles , Roy Orbison , the Supremes , Martha and the Vandellas , the Drifters , Dave Clark Five , Dusty Springfield , the Temptations , and so many more were carried in on sound waves that drifted into my bedroom window on butterfly wings - or so it seemed . Half asleep , I would drag myself into the kitchen . Breakfast was as big as the day 's work ahead of us - bacon , eggs , grits - unless Mama happened to be on one of her many diets and then it would be oatmeal . The hot , homemade biscuits hit the table about the same time that my elbows did and a biscuit was the first thing I grabbed . As I was eyeing the homemade jellies and jams , Mama was eyeing me . Wait until you 've cleaned that plate before you open that jelly jar , she would warn . Daddy was already cutting big chunks of " hoop " cheese and was melting mine in his cup of coffee because years earlier an accidental cheese drop in his steaming coffee cup made it 's way to my plate and I had begged for it ever since . Not a care in the world did I have back then . All the cares rested on the shoulders of my mom and dad who had me seven years after their bumper crop of two boys and four girls . I was the last left at home . It was always Daddy at the head of the table , Grandpa on the other end , with me and Mom on opposite sides . Daddy and Mama gave up a lot when Grandpa moved in , including their bedroom , but Daddy never gave up his seat at the head of the table . After breakfast , the three old men and I would don long - sleeved shirts , stack our buckets in the back of the pickup truck and ride out to the fields to gather whatever crop was in season . The three old men consisted of my Daddy , a neighboring farmer , and the another neighbor who liked to pick up a few dollars in the morning while he was sober in order to purchase the whiskey he would drink ' til dark . His wife , who cleaned houses in order for them to survive , would not let him have any of her hard earned cash to " liquor up " , as she liked to call it . We called them Mr . Mack and Miss Jane ( not their real names ) , a heartbroken couple who had lost their little girl in an accident during the late 1940 's . Adding to Miss Jane 's heartbreak was the loss of her husband 's spirit to alcohol at about the same time . The first crops to come off were the squash , those prolific little buggers that seemed to double their size overnight . I 'm pretty sure if you sat and watched them for a while , they would grow right before your eyes . The long - sleeves we wore were to protect our arms from the prickly plants . After the picking was done , the squash were put in large tubs of water and gently washed and stacked in bushel baskets ready for market . The green beans , lima beans and corn all had their day in the sun and when those crops were over , it was time to start all over again with the second crop of squash - an endless cycle it seemed . I sometimes resented my early morning wake - up call when all my friends were sleeping until mid - morning during their summer vacations , but I knew it was the way of life for a farmer 's child and even then , I was perceptive enough to know how much I was needed and I 'm pretty sure that I welcomed the start of the new school year with a little more enthusiasm than my other friends . Summers were not all work , though . There were breaks in the crops and I was never deprived play time and a social life with my friends . It was a good life that seemed to move at a snail 's pace back then . And for a moment this weekend , watching the men under the shed at the produce stand , I longed for the days of standing side by side with those three old men from my youth - savoring each moment of shucking corn . The mundane things we take for granted are really quite interesting when you see them through the eyes of a good writer . A lot of the writing advice I 've read recently tells you to " show " the reader versus " tell " the reader what is happening in the life of your characters . Instead of " It was a hot and windy day on the beach " , how about " Beads of sweat were dripping from Jack 's face as he tried to run through the soft sand that kept sucking his feet under with each step . The gust of wind that had lifted his beach umbrella from the sand had also taken his hat and he was torn between chasing the $ 50 Panama that made him look super cool or the cheap umbrella that was heading straight for the bikini clad girls on the beach blanket . The bikini 's won out . " Did I " show " you that it was a hot and windy day at the beach ? Or did I just lead you on a wild goose chase with a beach umbrella . Either way , you 've got to admit it was a little more descriptive , don 't you think ? Louis L ' Amour drew pictures with his words about the old West and if you 've never heard of Louis L ' Amour , you 've never had the pleasure of actually smelling a campfire burning through the pages of a book - of seeing firsthand the cold hatred in the eyes of a gunslinger facing the honest , hardworking cowboy who just happens to be a fast drawing good old boy . You 've never felt how the " bad guy " feels when the first bullet hits him in the chest and you can see his body lurch with the impact of the bullet and watch as his life blood goes out of him . The late Mr . L ' Amour showed his readers how it felt to be a cowboy , how to savor the smells , how to enjoy the scenery , and how to live and die a cowboy . He was a master of showing , not telling . And yes , I 'm a closet reader of Western novels . Who would 've believed it of me ? My late brother , Joe , got me started reading these books . He had the whole collection and he had read them all at least a dozen times . While I was helping to take care of Joe during one of his many rounds of cancer and chemo treatments , I picked up one of the books and started reading . I was hooked . Joe was an ex - Marine and a cowboy at heart . He fought a good fight up until the very end - just like one of the many characters he liked to read about . Cancer was the bad guy - and the bad guy won . I can just picture Joe up there in heaven right now with Mr . L ' Amour , re - living the cowboy days and telling a tall tale or two . Louis L ' Amour was born in 1908 and died in 1988 . He was the author of 126 books and I 've read all but a handful - twice . This weekend I picked up four that I haven 't read from The Bookworm , a unique little new and used book store at Holden Beach . I will have some fine reading this week , but will get little else done since I can 't seem to put his books down once I 've started . I can already smell those campfires burning . And here 's one of his lessons about life that may come in handy sometime - better not stare at the campfire or your eyes won 't be able to focus on your enemy when he comes riding up on his brown sorrel horse with his six - guns a ' flaming . That 's something we all need to know . " A book is less important for what it says than for what it makes you think . " - Louis L ' Amour ( Education of a Wandering Man ) Posted by As I was checking my blog statistics this week , I noticed I had been getting hundreds of hits from countries all over the world on a blog post I wrote over a month ago . It was titled A nip in the air and life is good . They all came from google searches . The places these searches were originating were from the following : California - ( not a foreign country , but seems so sometimes ) { apologies to my CA viewers , lol } Would someone please enlighten me on what these countries have in common in searching for something in the title of A nip in the air and life is good ? I have had other blog posts that have had lots of hits from Google , but they were searches that I could understand . The Royal Wedding Disney Comparison blog got over a thousand google hits and Olive will be an overnight web sensation got over 700 , but those had popular search keywords . This one has me stumped . Is it something offensive ? Is it something trendy ? Please comment if you know why . I 'll be waiting for an answer . As we made our way to Holden Beach this weekend , we decided to detour to Myrtle Beach to pick up a car carrier that Henry had loaned out . Little did we know that we were headed right in the middle of the 2011 Bike Week of Myrtle Beach . This is the week where once a year , thousands of motorcyclists converge on this popular coastal area called the Grand Strand . This year , over 200 , 000 bikers were expected to attend this event , and I think we saw 190 , 000 of them judging by the traffic jams we kept getting into . 2011 is Myrtle Beach 's sixty - seventh year of hosting this event . Can you imagine what some of those bikes looked like back in the 1940 's . Here 's a photo of a 1940 Harley - Davidson Knucklehead that I found . Nice , isn 't it ? We saw all ages and shapes of people riding - from clean cut to not so clean cut . And the clothes they were wearing ? The men 's clothing didn 't vary a lot - most had on Harley T - shirts but the women 's clothing was a wide assortment ranging from Bikini Babe to Soccer Mom . And a few with pretty much nothing but body paint . I may have to grow my hair a little longer and get a tatoo on my shoulder - Henry will also need long hair , a beard and a tatoo or two - but we 've got a year to get prepared . Can 't you just see us now ? Who knows , it might be fun ! I didn 't mean to re - post this - I tried to edit it , but apparently when I edit and then publish , it brings it up on my followers dashboard . " She doesn 't have sense enough to come in out of the rain . " All of my life , I 've heard this phrase used to describe someone who is lacking common sense . And have you ever thought about how often the word " rain " is used as an idiom . For instance : As usual , I 'm rambling from my original intentions of this post which was meant to be about chickens who do not have sense enough to come in out of the rain . We have all kinds of shelters for our animals including a doghouse , an open lawn mower shed and a hen house . But the chickens use none of the above when it rains . The bantams usually ride out the rain under our boat which is sitting covered in the back yard , but Olive - she 's another story . During all of the rainstorms we 've had this week , she has sit them out under the big kitchen bay window which doesn 't provide nearly enough shelter . After seeing her thoroughly drenched yesterday , I had had enough . In the middle of pouring rain , I put on a rain jacket , grabbed her up along with baby Rube and took her to the small enclosed coop that we have for when we order " day old " birds from the hatchery . It has a light to keep them warm and is safe , comfy and dry . For a large bird like Olive , it can be a little claustrophobic , but it will keep her and the chick dry . It 's still chilly this morning , so I 'm leaving them there with plenty of food and water until it warms up a little . For the moment , she 's found her " place in the sun " . Olive would be really upset if she knew that I was showing you how totally ridiculous she looks with a wet head , but it 's so funny , I can 't help myself . Notice how baby Rube is never over a foot away from her side - she 's perched upon the brick border to the right of the screen . Rube is well camouflaged - blending in with the dead grass & leaves . They 're such an unlikely little pair , but they love each other . Maybe after she has adjusted to motherhood , she 'll have sense enough to come in out of the rain , but I don 't think so . And if you had seen me out in the rain yesterday while it was " raining cats and dogs " , cleaning the little pen and gathering the two of them up , you would have said the same about me - and you would be " right as rain " . And if you didn 't see me , would you like to take a " rain check " ? Olive - having a bad hair day Plastic surgeon , cosmetic surgeon - call them what you may , but today I sat in the office of one . Sure , all of us have thought about turning back the hands of time with a nip here and a tuck there , haven 't we ? Most of us won 't actually do it , but if we 're honest with ourselves , we 've thought about it - which brings me to why I was sitting in Dr . Pillai 's office today at Ballantyne . During a routine checkup a few weeks ago , my doctor noticed a small bump on my forehead that he wanted me to have looked at . And please , no jokes - I 've already suffered at the hands of my husband these last few weeks by being called knot - head - but it 's all in fun . He 's just paying me back for calling him that a few times over the years . Do you know you can learn a lot of cool stuff sitting in a cosmetic surgeon 's office ? Everyone seems to want to talk " before " and " after " . Some even have pictures . I assured them I was just there for the knot on my head and they seemed disappointed . I could see their skepticism - " sure " , they were thinking , " she 's getting that saggy neck lifted and probably a little botox around the eyes , and look at those droopy eyelids - surely she 's having something done about that " . " I hope it 's not melanoma " , one sweet little lady told me . I told her my doctor thought it was just a basal cell carcinoma and she seemed happy enough . When Dr . Pillai walked in , I could imagine that I saw a huge grim spread across his face . Aha , he thought , I can make lots of money off this one ! But he didn 't blink an eye when I showed him the bump on my head and he agreed with my doctor thinking it was a simple skin cancer . As he reached for the door to go out , I called him back . " Umm , I was just wondering " , I said . He came back and sat down . " Since I 'm here anyway . . . . . . " " Yes ? " , he said . I started pointing out my 62 year old features , asking him what would be involved with this and that and could he give me a ballpark figure on what something like that would cost . He started explaining the procedures and starting pointing out things that I didn 't even know I had - my poor vision does have it 's advantages sometimes . There would be an incision under my chin to pull some of those muscles back together , a little liposuction at the jawline , more incisions behind my ears for a little lift . And all this for a mere $ 5000 plus hospital expenses . " OK " , I said , " you 've given me something to think about . I 'll come back when I win the lottery " . I really didn 't say the last thing about the lottery , but I could tell he knew what I was thinking - he didn 't look very optimistic . You know , I don 't suppose that 's a lot of money for shaving a few years off your face , but I could think of so many better things I could do with that money . It 's not like we 're rich or anything , and just have that much laying around in a sock drawer . So , for now I 'll take comfort in the fact that all my friends are aging right along with me , and heck , I might even lose some of them if I suddenly looked 10 years younger that they do . And , oh yeah , I would have to show restaurants my driver 's license to get a senior citizens discount . And , poor Henry would have to explain why he robbed the cradle when he married me . You have to think about all those things , you know ? For now , I 'll just frequent the cosmetic counter and hope for the best ! But Dr . Pillae , if I ever win that lottery , I 'll be back . Sunday afternoons were simple during my growing up years . My mother started cooking Sunday lunch before we left for Sunday School and when we came home from the worship service , it was in the oven to be warmed and ready to eat . It was always a huge meal with at least three vegetables , meat , homemade biscuits and mouth watering desserts . Then dishes were washed and another tablecloth put over the food to be devoured again for supper . No refrigeration was required back in those days - we didn 't know any better , but we never got sick . After dessert , my dad and my grandpa would take a nap and my mom and I would each settle down with a good book . This didn 't usually last too long because there was always company dropping in . It was usually extended family or friends . Sometimes they would stay for dinner which only required lifting the tablecloth off and setting the table . Sometimes it was warmed over and sometimes it was eaten cold - there 's nothing like cold fried chicken - especially the kind Mama made . But the thing I remember most is how relaxing it all was - no rushing to go places - just a quiet , still Sunday afternoon that seemed to go on forever . Don 't we wish we had more of those kind of days ? Not many people rest on Sunday afternoons anymore . Young families try to pack in entertainment for their kids when all they really need is a time to rest and be ready for Monday . It 's quiet here this afternoon . We had a big ol ' Sunday lunch today . We 're both being lazy since clearing the table - and leftovers WERE put in the refrigerator - our systems are no longer accustomed to eating food that has set out all day . We 've both been reading and playing around on the computer . I found this picture a little bit ago that I had stored on Snapfish . I gathered these roses last Fall at the end of the season . The rosebushes had pushed themselves into a frenzy all summer producing thousands of blooms , but now it was their time to rest . I cut a fresh bouquet and put them in this old antique planter so I could enjoy them for a little while longer before the coming frost . The quiet beauty of the roses reminded me of this Bible verse from Psalms : I 've always taken that verse to mean to surrender , let go - that God is in control , not ourselves . What a comforting thought for a restful and quiet Sunday afternoon . The reverie will be broken in a little while when I prepare for a church meeting at four p . m . ; but for the moment , I will " be still " . Posted by ILook at the color similarities ! Isn 't that amazing . I think Prince Andrew 's daughter 's are pretty girls but their choice of dresses / hats are strange . Maybe they were trying to embarrass their grandmother , the queen , for snubbing their mother - just a thought . What a bummer Blogger has been for the last two days . I couldn 't access my dashboard - I couldn 't post anything and my last post showing Olive and Rube having a bite to eat totally disappeared . Almost immediately after I shared it on Facebook , it was gone and everyone got this message - " Sorry , the page you were looking for in the blog As life happens . . does not exist . " So here goes again . Olive has been a great Mommy despite the fact that she 's not the biological mother of little Rube . One of our little bantam hens laid an egg in Olive 's nest . I was worried that none of Olive 's eggs were fertile - but lo and behold , that one little egg finally hatched after dear Olive sat on it for 27 days . She was finally a mommy - just in time for Mother 's Day . Olive is quite generous - she 's very good at chopping up bugs and other tasty morsels for little Rube . She even gives her first choice at the chicken food that I scatter for them twice a day , but in this video she was anything BUT generous with the chick . A slice of bread is Olive 's very favorite dish in the world . Look how slick she is at hiding the bread so Rube can 't find it . She just flips it right out of the way before Rube can get a good look at it . She would probably make a good pickpocket with that poker face of hers . The noise you hear in the background are those incessant cicada 's . We were unfortunate this spring with their arrival after a thirteen year hiatus . At least we know that we 'll have another thirteen of peace and quiet before they " bug " us again . Hope you enjoyed the video . The gas lantern provided ample light this morning as we prepared coffee in an old campfire percolator style coffee pot over our gas range . For once , I was grateful for Henry 's obsessive collection of vintage kitchen and camping gadgets . I admit , I 've not been very supportive of his collection in the past because there 's no room for it except in my laundry room where it takes up space that I could use for . . . well , you know . . . . laundry stuff . But I wasn 't complaining as the coffee perked this morning . A series of severe wind and thunder storms wreaked havoc through our community last night and made for a sleepless night - taking power lines down and leaving us in total darkness except for the vivid flashes of lightening . It was very frightening . At one point during the relentless wind , our roof seemed likely to lift straight up off the house . Upstairs , the attic 's knee wall doors that weren 't latched blew wide open . The sounds of snapping tree limbs made us think that one of our many backyard trees would topple over on the house at any time . As I rambled around upstairs in the dark , droplets of water starting falling on my head near the dormer window - I could only imagine what awaited me in the morning . At the first hint of light , we walked outside . First on the list was to check on the animals . I knew that the cat and dog had shelter . Most of the chickens sleep in the trees , so I was hoping they hadn 't blown away - they hadn 't . The Polish Hen , Olive , and baby chick Rube have been sleeping outside in the thick shrubbery under the eaves at the corner of the house since Rube hatched out a little over a week ago . They were the ones I was worried about . I took the lantern outside lifting up the shrubs trying to find my girls . She wasn 't in her usual place . Getting thoroughly soaked by the wet shrubs , I rambled about until I finally saw Olive . Her Elvis pouf hairstyle was wet and totally flat on top of her head , but her feathers are good at shedding water so her body was relatively dry . I called her to come out and here comes little peeper Rube sticking her head out from under mommy 's protective wings - they were both fine . The overhanging bay window had provided a good shelter from the storm . Now it was time to survey the damage . Power outages were widespread because trees were across lines everywhere . The majestic old oak trees in the community that had withstood Hurricane Hugo in 1989 could not withstand another storm . Most of the ones lining Old Hickory , our main street , were haphazardly toppled over with their large roots up in the air . One of the large oaks in front of our church lay precariously leaned against another . Pine trees were snapped off like toothpicks . Up the road a bit , the oldest house in our community dating back into the 1700 's had a huge tree lying across it 's front porch . Our daughter 's new house had the screen ripped right off her back porch and trees down everywhere . Our neighborhood looked like a war zone . Our own backyard was spared - only a jumble of large tree limbs were down . Although frightening for us , our storm was nothing compared to the wide path of destruction from the tornadoes in our neighboring states a few weeks ago . And the fear we may have felt paled in comparison to those knowing that their homes were being blown apart with their families inside . My heart goes out to those families as their lives will never be the same . Our neighbors are all fine . . . . . . our blessings are many . Trees can be replanted , houses can be repaired , but the life of someone you love is irreplaceable . I join my neighbors in giving thanks to God for protecting our families and providing us a shelter from the storm . p . s . and that cup of coffee this morning was mighty fine ! As you see , I 'm a little late with the naming of Olive 's new baby chick . I had planned to do it on Mother 's Day but got a little sidetracked . Ever so often Mother 's Day will hit me like a ton of bricks as you can see by my recent posts . Spending a lot of time with Olive and baby today has been an exciting change of pace . It 's comical to see how small the chick is compared to Olive - she gets a little clumsy with it . Today she stepped on one of it 's little feet and didn 't realize it . The chick pulled and pulled trying to get her foot out . I was afraid she was going to pull one of her toes off - the toes are so tiny and fragile . She 's not eating and drinking as well as I thought she should . I bought some special chick starter food , but they pellets are still too big . I finally took my food processor and ground them up even smaller . We 've been giving Olive some of our overpopulated cicadas that are making so much noise and driving us crazy . Olive will tear the cicada into little pieces for the baby chick . Today it was carrying around a cicada leg in it 's beak - so hopefully it will get all it needs . The cicada leg was almost as big as the chick . But enough of this - I need to get down to what you 've all been waiting for . Baby chick finally has a name . The names you all submitted were all cute and funny . The poll is in and the winner is . . . . . drum roll , please . . . . . uh , oh , it was a tie . Ruben / Ruby . . . . and Will / Willow . . . . tied for 1st place , followed closely by Bille / Billy and Cinco . The plan was if it turned out to be a tie , my fourteen year old granddaughter would get to be the tie - breaker but when I asked her to break the tie , she had come up with an entirely different name - Basil - you know , like Olive Oil and Basil . No fair , Chloe - you 're not following the rules of the game . " Well , I want it to be Basil " , she said , as obstinate as most fourteen year old girls will be . Too bad , so sad - so , I decided that I would be the tie - breaker since it is my chick . I liked Will / Willow but finally decided on Ruben / Ruby because it 's a strong name for an amazing little chick - and also because it makes good blogging sense . The day to day adventures of " Raising Ruben " would make for a good read , don 't you think ? So , it 's Rube for now - and thanks to my blogging friend , thisisme , for suggesting it . Posted by It was a typical Monday morning in the office of an elementary school - phone 's ringing off the hook , teachers in and out of the office , parents calling wanting to know why the bus was late . I picked up the phone as it rang again , but this time it was of a different nature . " Bus 19 has been in a bus accident " , the man on the other end told me . " I 've called the highway patrol , but get the principal out here as soon as possible " . My heart dropped . The dreaded news that all school administrators hope to never hear . " How are the kids " , I said . " Are there any injuries ? " " The kids are upset but there doesn 't appear to be any serious injuries , " the other voice said . Relief filled me upon hearing his words , but his next words saddened me . " The driver of the other car is dead " . I was hoping the children hadn 't seen this as I prepared for a barrage of phone calls and informed the principal who rushed to the scene of the accident . A few of the children were being sent to the hospital for bumps and bruises , but I had to arrange for another bus to pick up the remaining children to bring back to the school . The office was a flurry of activity and I was alone trying to take care of it all . Everyone was filled with sadness that a life had been lost . When the driver of the bus picking up the remaining children came back into the office , I stopped for a moment and asked her if she knew who the other driver was . She didn 't . But as she described the car and the khaki farm clothing that the man was wearing , I became light - headed , my heart was heavy and my knees buckled leaving me in a heap on the floor . She had just described my father . It was May 9 , 1988 - the day after Mother 's day . Today is May 8 , 2011 - Mother 's Day . Mother 's Day also fell on May 8th in 1988 and on less than a handful of May the 8th 's since . I remember that year well . My girls were thirteen and nineteen and I had been hearing sounds of pots and pans and laughter as I lay in bed trying to catch a few more winks of sleep . Ahh , the sweet sounds of breakfast in the making . The phone rang and I picked it up on the second ring knowing who was on the other end . Mother 's Day was a lonely , sentimental day for my Dad , having lost my mother , his wife of sixty years three years earlier - the mother of his seven children - his best friend . " Good morning , Daddy " , I said , without even waiting for him to say anything . He laughed , thinking it was funny that he didn 't have to identify himself . " Can you come over and help me pick your mother 's peonies to put on her grave this morning ? " . " Sure " , I said , " can I wait until I have breakfast ? " , but knowing full well what he would say . " Come on now , if you don 't mind . You can eat breakfast later " . At eighty - five , Dad had earned the right to ask pretty much what he pleased . I quickly dressed , told the kids to put breakfast on hold and drove the mile to my Dad 's farm . As we cut the peony stems , we talked about mom and how much we missed her . We talked about her love of flowers and how she especially loved peonies and enjoyed sharing the tubers each Fall with her friends so they could enjoy their own come Spring . I arranged them with other greenery in a large metal flower basket that Dad had saved from Mom 's funeral flowers . They did look lovely as we placed them on Mom 's grave at our church a few minutes later . Dad and I shared a few tears as we held hands and prayed over Mother 's grave , all the while imagining her smiling down at us from heaven . A couple of hours later we all sat in the family church pew and shared worship together . Daddy gave my girls their customary juicy fruit chewing gum and a kiss , and then turned to give me a kiss and wish me a happy Mother 's Day as we left church . " Girls , be good to your mother " , he said . That was the last kiss I ever received from my Dad . He was killed in a car accident the next day , May 9 , 1988 . Mother 's Day always holds bittersweet memories for me . A day when I celebrate my memories of my beautiful mother and a day that I mourn the loss of my sweet Daddy . A few month 's back , I found my youngest daughter 's first Bible on a bookshelf in the library . I opened it up and tucked away in it 's pages was a piece of cellophane with something flattened inside . It was labeled " the last piece of chewing gum Grandpa Carter gave me " . My girls had loved their grandpa with all their heart . I left it where it was , closed the Bible back up , and cried - wishing we could all hold his hand and pray one last time . But then I smiled as I imagined the two of them , holding hands in heaven still sharing the love they had here on earth for over sixty years . Happy Mother 's Day Mom . . . . and Daddy , please take good care of your best friend . Tomorrow 's Mother 's Day and Olive wants to thank all of you for following her twenty seven days leading to her happy event - the hatching of her baby chick . Olive is a Polish Hen and the chick she hatched is an American Bantam and I can already tell they have a problem . There 's a language barrier , but they 're working on it . Also , bantams are about 1 / 3 the size of Polish Hens so the chick is so tiny that Olive has trouble finding it sometimes . It doesn 't help that Polish Hens have that wild and crazy hairdo and those feathers prevent them from seeing well . I am going to trim her bangs this week . But , all in all , they 're handling their differences well and Olive is trying to be a good mother . It 's time to name the baby and since everyone has been so great about following her story , I 've had my readers nominate some names and we 're going to vote . It there 's a tie , my granddaughter , Chloe will be the tiebreaker since Olive was her chicken in the beginning . Since we don 't know the sex of baby chick , the requirements for the name nominations are that the name can be for either girl or boy . Will / WillowChicken Licken ' Bring it on , ladies . We don 't want this little guy to be nameless for Mother 's Day . Leave your comments here or on Facebook . Thanks for the votes ! Love this name game - so many good ideas , it 's going to be hard for all of you to make a decision on Olive 's baby 's name . Olive is taking motherhood very seriously . All of our animals and chickens intermingle with one another . It 's like one happy little neighborhood until today . Earlier today , I was trying to show a neighbor the baby chick and Cello the cat was just doing what cats do - being curious about the little peeping noise coming out from under Olive . Normally Olive would do nothing if Cello got too close , but today he got a little too close for comfort and man , he was in for a surprise . Too bad I never have that flip video when I need it . She jumped straight up about 2 feet , made her feathers look like an eagles wingspan and flew into flogging him with feet and beak . Cello narrowly escaped with his tail intact . He dashed under the car and stayed there until he thought it was safe to come out . Poor Cello - he must of thought he had a run - in with Sarah Palin a Mama Grizzly . I remember so well being the target of a mother hen once when I was a child . It only takes once and you 've learned your lesson well . We lived on a farm and our fenced pasture had a gate between the barn and the granary ( a storehouse for grain ) . To keep from having to open the gate and risk letting the cows out , my dad had built a narrow open gate off to one side - sort of like a maze that 's small enough for a person to wind through , but too narrow for the cows , horses and mules to get out . I was winding myself through the maze when I had a run - in with Henny Penny who thought the sky was falling on top of her baby chicks . I was stuck - she wouldn 't let me in or out . Everywhere I tried to go there were wings flapping , beaks biting and chicken feet flipping . My meek and mild nephew who was a year younger than I , exhibited a rare moment of boldness and ran her away with a stick . He 'll always be my hero . Later , as Daddy cleaned my bloody little legs up , I told him there were chickens everywhere fighting me . It sure seemed that way - so I can feel Cello 's pain . He 's been keeping his distance for the rest of the day . So far the name nominations are as follows : I 'll leave the " contest " ( tongue in cheek ) open through tonight for nominations and tomorrow , I 'll post all the names for a vote . For those of my friends who don 't like to sign up and comment on the blog ( which I haven 't yet decided why ) , you can leave your suggestions and votes on Facebook . Here 's another sneak peak at Olive as she 's covering the little chick - still preferring the bushes and ivy versus the fenced in chicken run . I think she feels safer close to the house . What better time of the year for a hatchling ! Olive is the proud mother of one baby chick . Today , after waiting twenty - seven days for her eggs to hatch , we finally moved her so we could discard the eggs . Much to our surprise , when we picked her up , a just - hatched baby chick came scurrying out from under her . We were delighted - we had given up hope that any would hatch . We discarded all the other eggs because it was apparent they would not hatch . You see , Olive 's own eggs were not fertile , but a small bantam had layed one egg in her nest . It 's a long story on why Olive will have nothing to do with the roosters . In a nutshell , she had an abusive spouse ( rooster ) of her own kind . We got rid of him when we found Olive with lots of injuries from one of his abusive moods . But now , she is one proud little mama strutting around fluffing her feathers . She bit me once , but then decided to trust me . It 's definitely not her biological chick , but don 't tell her - she thinks it is . All of you get the exclusive opportunity to see the first photos of the little celebrity . I 'll let you guys pick her name . Or it may be a boy - it 's hard to tell until they 're a lot older . We named Olive so that if she turned out to be a boy , she would be Oliver . So pick a name that can be a boy or girl or one that can be easily converted . When I get a list of names , either on Facebook , blog or email , I 'll list them all , and we 'll vote . P . S . I thought about naming her after a student years ago that we had at the elementary school where I worked . Her name was Amiracle . I asked mom if she had been a preemie or had some health issues that made her name her that . I shouldn 't have asked . . . . should have just assumed that was the case . She told me that she named her Amiracle because she got pregnant without ever . . . . well , you get the picture . This is an absolutely true story . Please - some of my school friends . . . . Jill - where are you ? Please verify that this is true or everyone will think I 'm making this up . And comment on the blog site , not just on Facebook . I 'll leave you on that note . . Have a great day . What a beautiful start to a beautiful day ! I love watching the sun rise . It filters in and out of the trees across the street above my neighbor 's beautiful old home - a home that over a century later is still occupied by members of the family that built it . We had quite a nip in the air this morning - 37 degrees when I checked the thermometer outside the door . But we 're not touching our thermostat . It 's been turned off for almost a month now with only a brief round of air conditioning to get the humidity out of the air on those 80 plus degree days . It 's funny how the sun shining on pretty leafy trees and green grass outside makes 37 degree days in the Spring feel different than the 37 degree days in the brown , leafless days of winter . The cicada 's are still molting , flying into the trees and singing - if you want to call the noise they 're making singing - sounds more like a car needing a fan belt change . Olive is still broody - sitting those eggs that won 't hatch - I haven 't had the heart or the time to pick her up and dispose of the eggs - plus I 'm not looking forward to a good chicken flogging when I do . She 's rather moody along with being broody when it comes to that nest of eggs . The bantam hen is doing a good job of raising her chicks that were born at Easter - it 's fun watching them come running when she signals food or danger and more fun to watch as they snuggle under her wings when nap time comes . Olive checked them out one day last week - I wonder if she felt a little envious ? Henry still has his Easter Egg car lot which I 'll post some pictures of later . A great little hobby that has made him a little extra spending $ $ . Grandchildren are doing wonderful in school . Chloe is a South Carolina Junior Scholar - which is a big honor for 8th graders . Jake has been on the straight A honor roll his whole freshman year in high school and Genevieve has also been a straight A honor roll student in third grade . Makes a grandma proud ! Life is good ! As I was enjoying my new " writing place " today , I thought I would take a moment to share a few updates on recent posts . First is my new place to write . I put a computer stand and our extra PC in the small sunroom that we had recently decorated in a " fishing lodge " theme for Henry . It 's a wonderful place to write . It has a beautiful view of green trees and a bird feeder right out the window - hopefully it will inspire me to get something on paper . Olive came out briefly today to eat and drink water . Before I could get to her nest , she ran back as fast as her little feet would take her and settled down . I was hoping to at least " candle " some of the eggs and see if there 's a little chick in any of them . Next update is the cicadas . Remember how I said that 13 years ago , people would get out of their car and look under the hood thinking that the cicada noise was a fan belt problem . Today we had our first stop on the corner . Henry was outside and walked down while the man was looking under the hood . He asked him what was wrong and he told Henry that his truck was making a gosh - awful noise . Henry filled him in on the cicada story and away he went happy that his truck was OK . Sadly , I don 't have anything to report on the ghostly bicycle rider . We plan to go back down soon and I 'm going to stop at houses nearby and ask if they 've ever seen the apparition . I 'm just downright curious ! A small bantam hen and her little Easter chicks . They were born the day after Easter . I wish I had found her eggs and put one under Olive . Hope you enjoyed the backyard show . I wish all of our yard looked like this . I did some " selective " photography and left the junky areas out . I love flowers - they brighten the world . Olive seems depressed . She has been sitting on her eggs for exactly 21 days today and none have hatched . I wrote about Olive , my Polish Hen about three weeks ago . She had become broody , which in the world of chickens means she had started sitting on her eggs determined to hatch them . We had been gone for a few days and had not gathered her eggs so she decided to sit them . The only problem is that we don 't have a rooster her size so her eggs are not fertile . Olive is a very aloof bird , and she won 't have anything to do with the two bantam roosters we have . As a matter of fact , Olive doesn 't like any of the other chickens and the feeling is mutual . She thinks that she is the Queen and they are far beneath her . I should have taken her off the nest and got rid of the eggs , but there were a couple of bantam eggs also in the nest and I hoped that at least one of those would hatch to satisfy her maternal yearnings . Polish hens rarely go broody . If it weren 't for hatcheries incubating them , they would indeed be rare birds . Now , what do I do ? She has sat on those eggs faithfully , only getting up about every fourth day to eat , drink and poop - and then right back to the eggs she goes She is actually very obsessed with the whole business of sitting on the eggs - it 's like she 's in a trance . Poor Olive . Will she just give up if they don 't hatch ? Or will she sit on them forever thinking they will ? I suppose I need to find a hen that has been sitting on her eggs about the same amount of time as Olive and steal some of her eggs . Got any ideas ? ? ? |
Yesterday was an ordinary day . I was at a Media and Public Relations Summit during the day . I met new people , I checked blogs , I emailed . I went to the Recurrent Loss and Infertility support group at night . But all day , I felt good . I thought about Jacob . I touched my necklace a little more often than I usually do , but I didn 't have any moments of just being sad . There were 3 of us at the support meeting at night , the leader and another babyloss Mom , D , who is struggling with fertility . D said that I look good , better than they have seen me ( I met them in April ) and I told them that that day was the closest thing to a good day that I have had since May 30 , 2010 . I almost felt like my old self and I have forgotten what that feels like . I think sometime in the past 3 - 5 weeks , I 've reached acceptance . I realized that I no longer fight against it anymore , that I haven 't even thought about acceptance in the past few weeks . It just happened and I didn 't know it . Maybe it was Jacob 's first birthday passing . We have also passed the one year anniversary of the day he was buried , so all the firsts are done . Maybe it is because I am hopeful for this cycle . I feel like there is a chance it might actually work this time and I might be pregnant now . The hope has definitely helped me lately . I 'll know a week from Friday . All this being said , Jacob is still on my mind most of the time . I still sleep with his blanket , I still talk to him in my head and I still look at his picture every day . I still think of how old he should be and how different our lives should be . Today I saw 2 mom 's in the bookstore pushing their babies in their strollers and I was jealous . I should be going out with my Mom friends with our babies . He will always , always be missing . I think of my 2 nephews and of how close in age they should all be . Ben just turned 3 . Jacob should be 8 . 5 months and Daniel is almost 2 months old . They would have grown up together , they would have known each other so well . When I see Ben and Daniel , I imagine Jacob there too and how they would all be interacting . I had a breakthrough last week . Laurie dropped by with Ben and Daniel for a visit . Ben was eating berries and needed his face washed . Laurie asked if I wanted to wash his face or hold the baby while she did it . Because I 'm being ridiculously careful about lifting anything , I said I would hold the baby . He stared at me and I stared at him . I 've known him since he was 3 hours old , yet I was a new face because I haven 't held him much yet . I spoke to him like I used to speak to babies . But I didn 't cry . I didn 't feel like crying either . I thought of Jacob the whole time , wondering what it would have been like to hold him in my arms , but I still didn 't cry , even after they left . On Jacob 's first birthday , Ted spent some time on the computer and then surprised me with a slideshow of the time we had with Jacob and the year after his birth , set to the Irie version of Tears in Heaven . I loved it and we watched it a few times that day ( and I cried each time , of course ) . It gave me the idea to do a video that I could post here . This morning we went to the infertility clinic ( where we got good news and bad news ) . Then we went by my good friend 's shop and we had a really good talk . I always feel better after seeing her . Then we went to downtown Oakville and went to the garden . The flowers had been planted , the tree trimmed and it was beautiful . We both said that we don 't feel the heavy , heavy sadness that we often feel when going there . Then I felt guilty about that and worried that Jacob would somehow know and feel bad . Ted pointed out that I was at the garden , so he would know that I still care even if I wasn 't crying and feeling devastated while there . Then we went to a store that I 've been wanting to go to for awhile and found this : Just before she called , she was sitting with Ben and holding him and saying that she remembers when he was a little baby . Ben started talking and said that Jacob is up in the sky , way way up in the sky . I think he said it twice . He said something about playing so she asked Ben if he ever plays with Jacob and Ben said no , not really just with everyone . I also hope that Jacob will come to Ben somehow and Ben will tell us about it . I could tell that Laurie was just about to cry when she told me this and that made me happy too , to know that she misses Jacob . I know she does , it is just nice to hear it sometimes . I felt so good and I talked to Jacob in my head a little . Even if Ben didn 't see anything just then that made him talk about Jacob , I love that he was thinking about him . I think I talked to Ben a few weeks ago about Jacob being in Heaven , which is in the sky . Laurie said that she has told him that in the past , but she hadn 't mentioned Jacob to him all day . It was totally out of the blue . We got home and I just had to go over , so Ted and I got changed and walked to their house . I told Laurie how happy I was with what happened and how happy it made me that she was emotional about it too . I felt so good that I wanted to hold the baby , so I did . I thought of Jacob while I was holding him , of course , and of August and Cub , but I wasn 't overwhelmed with sadness . Yesterday I had a moment of feeling like my old self . We were going for our usual evening walk and it happened and then it left , but it was nice . I told Ted that I had felt like my old self for a few seconds and he was glad and said that it has been a long time . It has . I often forget what I was like before he died . That girl seems so distant , like someone I knew once years ago . I had a big cry at work yesterday , the first big one at work in awhile . Missing him and the hopelessness just became too much and I had to go to my designated crying room to let it out . The morning was just a tough one . Today was better , but I was really busy all morning , so that helped . We got home tonight and I just had no energy . Ted and I were outside doing some yardwork and I could tell that he was feeling the same way . We went in after awhile and Ted said that he is really sad , just really sad and he didn 't know why he felt so bad just then . We talked for awhile and I said that we have just had such a terrible year , I think sometimes we are too hard on ourselves and think that we should be better than we are . I haven 't had a good day since he died . Not one . I 've had good moments , but over a year without a single happy day seems like such a long time . I know a good day will happen when it happens and I 'm not really trying to have one , I just wonder if I ever will again . Ted 's grief has been worse over the past few months than it was in the early months , when he had to be strong for me . I 've read over and over again how common that is , and that it can take up to 3 years for a Mom to really come to terms with what has happened . Another thing I 've been struggling with is being grateful and happy for everything I have , but still feeling empty and sad . I have everything that I had before Jacob died and I was happy then . Now I have those things , and more ( some amazing friends , a house ) , but a huge piece is missing . I was telling Ted this the other day and he said that our lives are like a puzzle . It is a beautiful puzzle and it is almost complete , but a really important piece is missing . I 've been thinking of that analogy alot since then . The puzzle was so close to being completed . We had the puzzle piece in our hands , but then we just . . . . lost it . We look at the puzzle and , for the most part , focus on the missing piece . That piece will always be noticeably missing , but one day , more often than not , we will look atMy friend Leslie wrote a post today ( here ) on her blog that describes so well how I feel : But then I think about my emotions and how the outside world may or may not perceive me . Am I truly happy when I find a reason to smile ? Am I feeling any lighter about this entire journey ? Do I recognize my own reflection ? Am I balancing my emotions between the three living C 's and their youngest brother , whom they never got to meet ? Has time helped anything ? Am I finding ways to see the beauty in the life that I now lead , and to sense the endless ways that I have been blanketed in love and light ? Well , most often the answer to it all is ' No . Yes . Sometimes ' . Some days I actually do marvel at the beauty of the rain , the flutter of a butterfly 's wings or the smell of summer at the beach , but there is still a great deal of pain , anger and resentment that can easily wash into almost any picture of serenity . There is a very blurred grey line that snarls itself between grief and peace . . and it 's a line I walk every day . Some days are easier than others , but in the end everything is different in this world where he is not alive with me . One of my fellow BLM 's ( and I have just spent an hour trying to search and remember exactly who said this so please let me know if it is you so that I can link back to your beautifully worded post ) * * ETA I now have the link . . please read Emily 's beautiful post here * * explained that while individually we may be ok , it is not ok that our babies died . Although , I do feel like there is a past to be mourned . Jacob lived and then he died . Although he never took a breath of air and he only lived inside me , he still lived and , therefore , has a past . Posted by A lot of the time , I feel like I am treading water in the deep end of a pool . It is exhausting . Everyday is a struggle in some way . Somedays , I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water and I constantly feel like I am danger of going under . I felt this way constantly in the early days after losing Jacob . Survival was a constant battle . I have minutes , hours and days when it still is . I 've had moments of it today . Sometimes I just want a break from the darkness and sadness that is always lurking . I just want a truly good day . I can 't bring them back , no matter how much I grieve and how sad I am , so I tell myself that I should just be happy . Just recently , I have moments of feeling ready to rejoin the world , but when it comes to actually doing it , I can 't . I don 't know how . The inner turmoil isn 't always terrible and eating at me the way it used too . But at least once a day , and usually several times a day , I see something or think of something . I see a pregnant woman ( in person , on TV or in a magazine ) or a baby boy just about the age Jacob should be , I have a flashback or I think of the baby that should be kicking inside me right now . I see a mother and her son and I watch them interact and wonder what it would have been like . It 's times like those that I feel myself weaken . I feel my head going below the surface of the water and struggling for breath . Sometimes I fight to get my head above water , depending on where I am . But if I 'm alone , I give up the fight and I sink deep into the abyss and let all of the pain rise to the surface . I scream silently and I hate the universe for letting my babies die , I feel anger that comes and goes quickly in waves and then the overwhelming sadness takes over and I don 't think that I will ever be able to take a breath of air again and feel content , much less happy . One thing that helped was that I knew I wasn 't alone in the deep water , in the struggle . I know that I 'm still not alone , but it is starting to feel that way more and more . I didn 't and don 't want other people to have a reason to be there , but they do and they are and there is alot of comfort from sharing your suffering with others . Alot of the people who were with me have moved to the shallow end with occasional visits to the deep end . As they announce their pregnancies , have ultrasounds that reveal beautiful , moving babies , as they have new pregnancy symptoms , as they can rub their bellies and feel kicks and hear heartbeats and they start to feel the elusive happiness , it just makes me sadder that I 'm not pregnant and having all of those experiences . I want to know that everything is OK in their world ( and I can 't tear myself away from reading about them . . . . I am happy for them ) , that they won 't need to come back to the deep water because of another loss , but it is painful to see their happiness and not have it myself . It is painful to see them all together , in the new club of babyloss pregnant women . I feel left behind . They have been through hell too , but they don 't have to tread water as much as I do , or so it seems from my perspective . I know they have other battles because I have been pregnant after losing Jacob . I know what the fear feels like that something bad will happen again , and the effort not to make baby loss Mom 's who aren 't pregnant again feel bad . I know how torn they feel between being happy for the life growing within them and sad for the little one they lost . It isn 't an easy road . I know they still make trips back to the deep end . I 've felt those worries . But I know from experience that it is better to stay there . Being in the deep end once was bad enough . Moving to the shallow end was a nice break . Being sent back to the deep end was terrible . I wonder how many times I will be sent back . Will I ever get pregnant again and move to the shallow water ? Will I get to stay there ? Will anyone still be there with me ? Once they have their living babies , they leave the water . They are still within view , so I can see what that life would be like . Some come back from time to time , and some more than others . I am happy for all of the baby loss Mom 's who are currently pregnant and / or who have given birth . I just want to be one of them . Right after Jacob was born , I just felt sure that I would either have another baby by his first birthday or be in my third trimester . It could have been either , but I lost again and again . And now my cycle is weird again and hope is very low somedays . I had been dreading this day for so long . It seemed so scary . I made some plans for the day , but nothing too detailed . I didn 't feel capable of that . I went to bed on May 31st wearing the pink shirt I wore while in labour . I wore it once or twice last June , but not since then . I woke up just before 6am . My labour with Jacob got really bad around 6am , and worse and worse until 9am , when he was born . I lay in bed for 2 hours reliving it . I lay on my side and remembered doing that since that was my position during most of the labour . I pictured the room , I pictured the people in it . I could have had a huge cry , but I held it in , partly because I felt like I would never stop and partly because I didn 't want to wake Ted up . Three letters from me . I wrote one of them and will post it soon . The other two I found online . One is a letter ' from ' a baby and the other is about the new normal . A list of tips for them to do in the hospital . I explained the 2 blankets , told them to spend as much time with their baby as they want , bath the baby , open the baby 's eyes , take pictures ( even if they aren 't sure they want to ) . At 9am , I lit a candle for Jacob in the living room . We have used this candle many times ( it is a beeswax candle , so it lasts for 120 hours or so ) . I lit it , watched to make sure it was lit and went to sit on the couch with Ted . Within seconds the candle extinguished and we got our sign . The same thing happened on Jacob 's due date . We have lit the candle many times in between and it has never done that since his due date . I finished the box and we got ready to go to the hospital . I was nervous about going , but I wanted to . I was hoping that my nurse Patrice , and the nurse that I talked to for awhile when Laurie 's baby was born , would be there . We parked on a side street and walked over . The same walk we have done before , under much harder circumstances . I only saw the back of one pregnant woman the whole time we were there . We headed into Labour and Delivery and walked down the hall . Then Laura came out of a room . I said her name and she recognized me and we hugged . I explained that it was Jacob 's birthday and we brought in a box to donate to the next family . She said that was really nice , opened the box and had a look through . I told her she could read the letters if she wanted to , in case they needed to know what they were handing out . She said she didn 't need to . She did read the list of things to do and said how good it was . I said that I could bring in more if she wanted me too and she does . Then I looked down the hall and Patrice was standing there . She saw me , we smiled and waved to each other and she came over quickly and gave me her usual bear hug . Ted hasn 't seen her since the day Jacob was born . He reached out to shake her hand . She pushed his hand aside and gave him a huge hug too . I explained why we were there . She said how great I look ( if she is comparing it to how I looked when Jacob was born , I 'm sure I do ! ) . We talked for awhile and I told Laura that I was thinking of her and Grant on May 11th , the day her baby died several years ago . They asked how I was doing with my sisters baby and I said that it has been hard , but it is getting easier , although I 've only held him about 3 times and she only lives down the street . I knew that Laura works on the folders with pamphlets on local bereavement groups , exercising after delivery and how to stop milk etc . I told her the information was really helpful and that I 'd like to contribute to them if I could . I brought out the Faces of Loss postcards and Laura and Patrice were really interested . Patrice said that a box had been donated the other day with the same postcard and the same style of box . I said that it was from my friend Jackie and I told them more about the website and how it works . I told them how nice Jane , another nurse , had been when Jackie brought in the box . How it was the best reaction Jackie had ever received when donating a box and Patrice said she thinks that the nurses at OTMH are just a bit better at these things than at other places . They both said that they love Jane and that she had a loss also , her 21 year old son . I think they said it was a boating accident in May 2008 . I said that is when Jackie lost her son . Laura said that it was her last morning on L & D as she was moving over to scheduling . I kept thinking that Jacob must have had something to do with it all . . . . that she was still working there when we came in , that both she and Patrice were there . I would like to have seen Sylvia too , who was there when Jacob was delivered , but I haven 't seen her since and I felt bad asking for her . . . as if seeing the two of them wasn 't enough . Laura said that I have to tell her when I am pregnant again , that she really wants to know . I told her how Dr . C can 't find anything wrong with me , but has put me on baby aspirin and I will be on progesterone when I am pregnant , just as she said I should be . Before we left , I asked her how I can get a hold of her to let her know and she started to say an email address , but then looked at Patrice and said that it wouldn 't work . Patrice had asked me earThey asked what we were doing next . I asked if they know the church downtown , which they did , and I said that he is buried in the garden beside it and we are going to go there to blow bubbles and family will be coming there in the afternoon and at night . Laura said to blow some for Grant too and I said I would . I said that I also have the business - sized cards from the Faces of Loss website and I could give those if they want to put them in the boxes . They said sure , so I took them out of my purse ( and they joked about how much my purse held ) and they took me into storage - type room that had a table / tray so I could write my name and number on them . Patrice said that it looks like I have done a lot of work in the baby loss area since my loss and helped a lot of people and it probably helps me too . I said that I have , that it does and that it feels like I am doing something for Jacob when I do it too . Patrice was always great at including Ted . She asked if I have any resources for men and I said that I have come across some blogs and I can send them to her if she would like and she wants me to do that . She asked Ted what he has done and he said that he got a tattoo and showed it to them . They both loved it . Patrice grabbed his arm and ran her fingers over Jacob 's name . Ted said the feet are the same size that Jacob 's were and they loved that . I told them how the tattoo just raises up for some reason from time to time and we like to think it is a sign . Then Ted told me to show them my tattoo , which I did and they loved and I said how it just aches sometimes for no reason and we said how that is a sign too . I also told them about the candle that morning . Patrice said she was sorry that she wasn 't able to spend more time with me last time I was there . They had a lot of patients that day , but they didn 't on Jacob 's birthday , which was great for me . I think there was only one room occupied . I asked Laura about the possibility of any pictures having been taken of Jacob and she went to look around . I said to Patrice that I at the sign last year , and particularly the line that said " Never leave your I realized when we left the garden that we hadn 't said goodbye to Jacob , so Ted and I went back and Ted spoke and told him how much we miss him , love him . . . . how so many people do . I cried through that . I cried all the way home . We stopped at the mall for something and I cried through the mall . I stared at the ground to avoid seeing babies and pregnant woman , and to hide my tears . I called 2 friends when I got home . I cried through the first call as I told her what happened . I was more collected by the second call . I also chatted with a friend on Facebook and told her everything . I opened the gift I had received weeks ago from Allison for Jacob 's birthday . I can 't believe that I was able to control myself long enough not to open it when I received it . Both items are perfect , the wrapping was beautiful and the card was beautiful . While I was on the phone , Ted was on the couch with the laptop . He took the headphones out at one point and I heard the song he was listening to " Tears in Heaven " . He later told me that he was able to work through his emotions while listening to that . It brought on the tears and gave him the release he needed . I feel bad that I didn 't realize it at the time , but I feel like he needed to do it on his own . Later on , he got on the computer and started working on something . Eventually he called me over to see and he had started a folder of different pictures over the past year and set it to " Tears in Heaven " . Not the Eric Clapton version , but another one . Normally I don 't like remakes , but I liked this one . There were a few pictures of June 1 last year and the pain is all over our faces . I 'll post it here soon . Lindsay and Jessie came to Oakville last night . We picked them up shortly after 7 . They came to my side of the car , reached in the window at the same time and hugged me . Then they did the same to Ted . It was so cute . They got in the car and told us about something funny on the GO Train ( a guy handing out AA batteries to everyone because the place he works was just going to throw them out even though they are still good ) . I told them about what happened that afternoon and they had heard a version of the events and we compared , but they agreed with me . We got to the garden and blew more bubbles for Jacob . We discovered that just using dish detergent and some water makes excellent bubbles . It was much more peaceful there last night as I wasn 't so emotional . Still sad , but not sobbing . Ted suggested that we do pictures when we are all jumping at the same time . And I thought it was fun . And it felt good . It doesn 't always have to be sadness and longing . I knew that before , of course , but it was nice just to have fun . We want to celebrate his life too . We always made sure that we were spaced a certain amount apart so that Jacob 's rose would be showing . After the garden , we went to Kelsey 's for dinner . We didn 't know until the end , but Lindsay and Jessie treated us , which was so nice . I felt bad about ordering an appetizer when we found out though . It was nice sitting there and just talking and having a good time . It was after 9 : 30 when we left . Jessie gave us a beautiful card that said she is thinking of all we had and didn 't have with Jacob and that , although his birthday is important , we don 't need an anniversary to make us remember him , as they do all the time . I started crying of course . I just love the messages she writes . I love that she remembers him so often . She gave us this beautiful glass container and suggested that we put some dirt from the garden where he is buried in it . I don 't know that I ever would have thought of that , but I LOVE it . We are going to go and get some soon . We drove them to Kipling so that they wouldn 't have to take the GO train . I had some flashbacks on the way . Last year , we went back to the hospital the night of June 1 to see Jacob again and so that Lindsay could see him as she had just gotten in from New York . We went to Laurie 's after because I was scared to go home . We ordered pizza . I ate some and started to fall asleep on the couch since I had been up since early Monday morning , it was late Tuesday night and , of course , had been through hell . We left and drove Jessie home to Toronto , along the same highway , and I was almost falling asleep the whole way . I was tired last night too , from all the crying mostly , and I had flashbacks . I sponsored 5 Laken 's Bear 's for Jacob 's birthday as well . I met Laken 's Mom last summer , we emailed alot and she helped me heal . She has started a wonderful project in her baby girl 's memory that will bring so many family 's comfort . There are so many people that did nice things for Jacob for his birthday . I don 't think I can ever thank them all enough . I don 't think I 've mentioned on here yet that my friend Elaine ( Blaine 's Mom ) started an event on Facebook for Jacob 's birthday . I wouldn 't have started one myself , which she knew , so she asked if she could . I have received so many supportive comments and some pictures with Jacob 's name on it there , and on my personal Facebook profile . Elaine also sent me a book about angels , which I have been enjoying reading . We have received cards , gifts , messages and love . People lit candles in their homes for our boy . And we are very grateful . All of the messages of love for Jacob have touched me more than I can ever possibly express . It still seems impossible that a year has gone by since we have him in our arms . Everything was so dark this time last year and I couldn 't see 2 days ahead , much less a year . It was a terrible year . Losing Jacob was hard enough , but we have been knocked down with 2 more losses and now it seems , some fertility issues . But we have made it . Well , your first birthday has come and is almost over . It still seems impossible to believe . I was in the room where you were born today . It has so much significance to me , but it is also just a room . Everything looked the same as it did the day I walked into it knowing that you were gone . I couldn 't figure out what it was about the room until just now , but now I realize that it seems as if time has stood still in that room . It made me ache even more for the time we had with you in there , both while you were still inside me and after you were born . In spite of how painful the last year has been , I would live it all over again if I only had more time with you . So many people expressed their love for you , me and your Dad yesterday and today . It has been so comforting . I want to write all about it , but I am very tired , emotionally and physically , and don 't feel like I can do it all justice right now . The love and support has been overwhelming . If I hadn 't had you , I don 't know if I would ever have realized how much , and how many , people care . I am grateful for everything about you . I am grateful for the months we had together . I 'm grateful for your kicks . I 'm grateful for seeing you so active on the ultrasounds . I 'm grateful for every single picture we have of you . I 'm grateful for the overwhelming happiness you gave us . I had never known anything like it before you and I will never know it again . That happiness belongs to you . I saw babies and toddlers and preschoolers today . How I wish we had had that time with you . Every little experience that you have with a child . We miss it all . We think of you every day . We imagine what you would look like , what you would be doing , how much you would be making us laugh . I live with my husband near Toronto , Ontario . Our son Jacob was stillborn on June 1 , 2010 . We miss him everyday . We were fortunate to get pregnant again quickly , but I have miscarried 3 times since losing Jacob . August was miscarried on August 20 , 2010 at 5 weeks . Cub was miscarried on November 27 , 2010 at 10 weeks . We lost twins girls , Madeline and Emma Grace , at 11 weeks on August 30 , 2011 . We miss all of the babies that we have lost and what could have been . We welcomed our rainbow baby , Emily on on August 15 , 2012 . She has brought us so much joy and happiness . |
Ask For the Nations Ministries was founded by Jody and Stephanie Roscoe for the purpose of bringing the Gospel of Jesus Christ to unreached people groups among the Nations . AFN is an extension of the local church into the Nations , sharing the love of Jesus by meeting the physical and spiritual needs of people . The Roscoe Family is currently preparing for life and ministry in Ghana , West Africa . We went to the school today . Daughter got to go to class for awhile . She really liked it . The kids met the other kids . They were shy , but then I would be , too , if a million kids wanted to touch me . They would swarm around them and pet their hair and try and hold their hands . We tried to play games and interact , but it didn 't really work . All the kids wanted to do was swarm us and touch us . This afternoon we tried skype with mom and dad . No luck . Our internet connection just isn 't strong enough . We can hear them perfectly , but they can 't hear us , and the call keeps getting dropped . Very disappointing . We will try again in the morning . Maybe we will have better luck then . Dinner was very interesting . It was a spinage fish casserole thing . Quite strange . Didn 't taste bad , though . Son really wanted to go out and play with Cobi . He was down to just the bites of the spinage thing . Jody said , you gotta eat it . He downed it without us telling him again . Praise God ! Maybe we are getting somewhere . Today we took the day off to rest and prepare for Sunday . After breakfast , Dad , who stayed up until 1 am their time waiting on us and I tried skype . No success again . L I could tell he was disappointed and upset about that . Perhaps it will work at the church or an internet café . I know this is hard , and skype would make it just a little bit easier . For dinner we had peanut butter soup . So good . We didn 't have fu fu with it , thank God . It was rice . It would be perfect if it was all chicken with no skin and no fish ! AND if they would cut back the peppers to about none ! Regular breakfast again , oatmeal , eggs , bread , tea . After breakfast we went back to our house . We don 't really know what to do around here half the time social wise . Do we hang out , or what ? So , we just go home . We 'll figure it out eventually . After awhile , we went and looked for bikes for the kids . We didn 't end up finding anything within what we were willing to pay . We did go back down town , and we waited on Frank , forever ! ! Pastor Frank bought Son a cucumber . He was so excited . . They are available here , but not a part of Ghanaian 's diets . Coby had never had one . He was afraid to try it . He ate his whole slice , but didn 't ask for more . He said he liked it but I am not sure . Daughter got two slices and Son at the rest . It was fun to see the roles reversed ! Our first Sunday here ! After a slow week , I am ready for some action . We headed first to a smaller church that is in Kumasi , but further out . We have met the pastor before last time we were here . Jody preached there , and the pastor interpreted for him . He preached on dreams and persuing them . The church was only half done . I asked Frank how long it had been like that and he said many years . Daughter and Son both went to kids church . Daughter went first , and Son went when he became too wrestless in church . They both liked it and had a good time . Kids church was outside under a tree . After offering there , we went to Christ the King Palace . I was to preach there . They took 4 offerings . The first was tithes and offering , then a worship offering , then an offering to God , and finally tithes - - - like for members or people with giving records . They bring it up in their record book . I 'm telling you , that is the way to do it ! I spoke on purpose and being created on purpose . Frank interpreted for me . It went good , other than the kids acting up ! But what can you expect . It was hot and boring and they couldn 't even understand what was going on ! Today we went to the school . We were told we would teach TODAY ! Eeek ! I was to teach JR high English ( 4th grade ) and Jody was to teach Math , algebra and Religion and Morals . I was to teach on paragraphs . Ok , I can handle that . While waiting , the kids went out a few times , to face the kids . You can only do it for a few moments at a time because they want to maul the kids . They are just so excited to touch them and be their friends . At one point the head master came over with her stick and said , go away or I will beat you . Boy did those kids run ! Here at lunch time kids bring their bowl or some sort of container and a spoon ( sometimes ) from home . Lunch is served at the school . No brown bagging it . They ate up … whatever it was … . My class was first . It went well . I was nervous , but after I got going , it was a piece of cake , and the kids really seemed to enjoy it . For dinner it was left over fish . Daughter loves fish , but not fish skin ( never has ) . We picked as much of the skin off as we could , but she still was not being cooperative . Then she took a big bite and choked on a bone . I think it was more because she was throwing a fit and upset than anything else . She gagged it all up . I took her to the bathroom , cleaned her up , gave her a pep talk , and she came out and ate it all like a champ . I was so proud of her . Back to the school today . Jody is teaching math again . He was supposed to teach at 8 but read his schedule wrong , so they changed it to 10 : 30 . I received our itinerary for the rest of our time here . We are speaking tonight , wednesay , and Friday . We were supposed to travel somewhere this weekend , but it isn 't going to happen , don 't know why . ( side note : our Wednesday and Friday meetings were cancelled ) They showed me a list of pastors and asked if I could set up a website for the school . After discussing it for about 20 minutes I then realized that what they wanted was email addresses , not a new website . The ' tech ' guy showed me how to get on with Franks computer , but for whatever reason the connection in his office doesn 't work . So I used the one in the assistant 's office . His computer is SO SLOW , so I set it up on mine to see if it would be faster ( and to see if skype would work ) . It was so much faster on my computer , but skype still didn 't work . Sad . L I was able to look at the pictures katie sent , so that was cool . Not long after I got all set up , it was time to go home , so I will have to finish tomorrow . We went home and took a nap again . We headed over for dinner about 4 , and made it just in the to watch the inauguration . Then we had dinner and headed off to our meeting . We got there at 7 and the pastor said he thought that we were coming last week , so no one was coming to see us . We waited to see who showed up . Only 3 people , so Frank decided we would go and we would reschedule . On our way to church he had said that after church he had 2 places to go the DR and somewhere else . We headed to the DR 's house , and got stuck in traffic for what seemed like forever . It was probably at least 30 minutes . Finally , the DR 's house . We were there for about 45 minutes . Then we left and wend to some other person 's house . I have no idea who they were or why we went there so late ( got there at 9 ) . I guess it was just a house call . They gave the kids a soda , and opened up what looked like a champaing bottle for us ( and they had champain glasses ) . Jody and I just looked at each other . Had we been on our own we probably would have just drank it to be polite , but we know that frank says Christians do not drink in Ghana , so what are we to do ? When it was given to us we both smelled it and it didn 't smell like alcohol , and the he tasted it . Whew , we were safe , just sparkling fruit juice . Day thirteen Back to the school today , jody is to teach Religion and Morals . I set up all the email addresses , about 15 . I also got our banking info and posted a blog . All of this at home would have taken about 30 minutes . Here it took me 3 hours ! ! I was more than aggravated . After I was done , we went home to rest again . I am about as rested as I can be ! We were supposed to speak tonight , but it was canceled . After our rest , we went to the university to go to the ATM . On our way home , we passed the church school bus . By the smell you could tell that something was wrong . The clutch went out . Frank said it was 200 to fix it . But what they really needed was a new bus , which is about 3000 . Back to the school today , but not until this afternoon . So , we hung out at the house . Frank told Jody he could drive us to school . So he did ! Cecilia had to come , because she had somewhere to be . We dropped her off at the seamstress . Jody had to drive down a very narrow roadway to do so , then he had to turn around , and ran over someone 's fabric that was drying on the ground . Actually he parked on it as he waited for Cecilia until someone told him he was on it . I taught English again today . I finished the lesson on paragraphs and then we did irregular plural nouns . For the last 20 mintues of class we talked of America and took pictures . They had all sorts of questions about Obama and wanted to know if I voted for him . Of course all they really know about him is that he is part Kenyan , black and the president of America , so he is a mega hero in their eyes . I told them that no I did not vote for him . He is not from my political party , and he and I have opposite political views . VERY OPPOSITE ! ! ! I asked them what they thought of Americans and the first thing they all said was that we were rich . Oh , don 't I wish ! But truly , we are rich in comparison . In comparison , the poorest American is richer than the average Ghanaian . Friday . Jody taught this morning , religion and morals , and while he did that I tested all of the email addresses and taught George ( Frank 's assistant ) how to use them . That took awhile . If he has such a time , I can 't imagine how they are going to teach all the pastors . After Jody 's class , we went home . Jody drove us again today . The car wouldn 't start when we went to leave , the kids had to give us a push . Jody has never jumpstarted a car that way , but it was no problem . Dinner was yam and lamb stew . It was so good ! Tasted almost like mom 's stew . After dinner , we sat outside with Frank and talked while the kids played soccer . I saw a huge beetle / cockroach looking bug and called the kids over to take a look . It was big ; the size of a quarter . While they were looking at it , it flew up and touched Daughter 's dress . They all screamed , but she freaked . She hit her clothes and hair and then jumped into my arms . It was so funny ! The little kitten saw the bug and attacked it and ate it . It took Daughter a good 5 minutes to calm down . I talked to frank about wages . The min wage is 2 cedi 's a day . That is for gov workers . They bribe people to get things done so they will make more money . He says it 's quite corrupt . Other trades make more money . Like a mason . He makes about 10 cedis a day , which is considered very good . A maid who does not live with you would make about 5 cedis a day . That is not the best , considering that she has to pay about 2 cedis to get to your home . One that lives with you would make about 3 . While we were talking , I noticed that Daughter is laying down in the small pile of sand / dirt ( for building ) that they have been playing in , making ' snow angels ' . I was not so happy about that . She came over and was filthy . Her hair was gray she was so dirty . Not long after that , we went home . I gave her a bath and had to wash her hair 2 times and condition it once . It was nasty . Oh , the things that girl does when she gets into her own world ! As we are settling down , I noticed that Son isn 't looking so great . I took his temp , and it was 101 . 7 . I gave him some Tylenol , and he went to bed . He said his head hurt , too . " Like a bone is broken " . And he is stuffed up . I hope he feels better in the morning ! Saturday . Son had a fitful night , and in turn so did we . He seems to feel much better today , but we are going to take it easy just in case . Jody talked to Frank , who called his DR ( the one we visited , Isaac ) , who told us to be on the safe side , get Son some malaria medicine . It is available over the counter . Even though they are on anti malaria , it is not 100 % . Jody went with frank to get it , which means many detours along the way . He took 100 cedis with him , since we had no idea how much it was . It was 4 cedis . Day seventeen , Sunday . Well , it seems that Son is back to his old self . But Jody was up all night . He was " running " as they call it . It was either the bean soup or the pineapple that he ate right before bed . Well it is Sunday , so off we go , good bad or indifferent . We are at his house by 7 , so we can leave by 7 : 30 . We leave at 8 : 15 . We are going to a town about 30 miles out of Kumasi to preach and look at a dam sight . We are going to meet a chief . Frank asks if we have anything to give . We don 't ( I should have remembered that ! ) He says we will give him an envelope instead ( i . e . money ) . Jody is not feeling well , but is going to go anyway . Off we set , of course stopping several times along the way . George , Frank 's assistant is with us , and so we are nice and snug . Daughter is now feeling bad , so she is in the back laying down . Our first stop is the church , but we don 't get out . We pick up another person . Now there are 9 in the car . We are going to meet the chief . We get there , and greet the queen / chief mother ( very important person ) then the chief , then a few other guys . We shake all of their hands . They shake all of ours , after we are seated . Frank tells them why were are there ( to help the people , possible dam ) . The chief gives us his blessing and his support and says that he will write a decree saying that if he passes then the next chief must give us his support , too . This is the youngest chief I have met . He looks to be in his 20s . He is actually 35 . Just recently have chiefs been young , as they are not looking at wisdom in age so much anymore . The chief speaks through a spokesman , which is funny . The spokesman stands up , and the chief talks , looking at him . But the spokesman doesn 't say what he says to you . You just respond to the spokesman . Jody spoke to the chief , but used his left hand to gesture . Not something you do , which we didn 't know . Thankfully Ghanaians are very gracious . After our meeting , we took pictures , and then off to the church . The service was long , but good . Daughter was burning up the whole time . I felt so bad for her . They brought her some crackers and coke to make her feel better . Jody wasn 't doing so hot either . He preached , but I could tell he wasn 't feeling good . He had to go to the bathroom outside in the woods , twice . Gross . After church , we met with the church leaders . We were going to look at the dam sight but didn 't . We will come back to do that . Jody was happy , since he felt so bad . So , then we are on our way … or not . We go to the pastors house for lunch . Rice with fish ( I am pretty sure that Ghanaians put fish in EVERYTHING ) . Daughter said her tummy hurt and she needed to go potty . The wife takes us to the potty . It is a cement square with a hole . I figure you sit on the square , but you don 't You get up on it and squat . I was going to help Daughter , but the wife insisted . Daughter wasn 't getting the whole squat thing , so the lady sat her on a small bucket , like they would use for a child to potty train . . Daughter sat there for a minute and couldn 't go . I don 't blame her . I don 't think I could have either . So after a bit she got up . Son did good on eating . They gave him a huge bowl of rice , which I was not expecting him to eat , but he ate like 5 bites without complaining or whining , which was good . On home we go , and yes . We stopped several times . We were about 10 minutes from home , but stuck in traffic , when Jody suddenly stuck his head out the window . At first I thought someone grabbed him or something , but no , he was throwing up . The looks on people 's faces was priceless . One guy told frank to pull over because he was puking . I guess you don 't do that on the street . You pull over to a bush . Poor Jody , I felt so bad for him . Finally , we are home . It 's 4 o ' clock . Frank insists we eat something for dinner so he is going to make tomato soup . Sounds good , but I am sure it is not campbells . The kids all slept in the car on the way home , so they watched a movie while Jody slept . Daughter still has a temp , but seems to be feeling better . Well , Daughter , Son and Jody all had to go " running " before we settled down , and to put a cherry on top of the day , our water is not working . I think the plumber was here working on something , and forgot to turn the water back on . Dinner was in fact tomato soup , homemade . And it tasted quite good , except for the fish floating in it . Again , they put fish in everything ! Our baked beans , our rice , any sauce even if it has another meat has some fish in it too , our soup , EVERYTHING ! Enough with the fish already ! ! Finally , we have water . Jody flushed the toilet ( the whole bathroom and hall smelled so bad ! ) . And I gave Son a bath . Then into bed we all go . It has been a long day . So , I was so busy running around getting all the last minute preparations done that I didn 't even have a chance to write and say we are on our way . But we are here , and in one piece . I don 't know how often I will get to post , but I will as often as I can . You may find this quite detailed . I am journaling our whole experience while writing for the blog at the same time . I will try and cut uninteresting stuff out for you guys , depending on how much time I have to devote to editing . We are finally here . It was a very long flight , but everything went smoothly . The only small glitch was in Amsterdam they made us check two of our carry on 's I think they thought they were mine . It was all of the kids stuff . Yes , I freaked out a bit , but then again I usually do when things are out of my control . Everything made it to Ghana unharmed . Thank you LORD ! You are faithful . I was telling Jenn that I always pray over my luggage , and have never lost a piece or had one delayed . I said I think it 's because God knows it is more than I could handle . J We were the last ones through immigration , so we had to wait forever . We got all our bags . Including all our carry - ons we had 15 bags total . 2 of give - away stuff , 1 of food , 1 of bedding and towels , and then the rest were our regular stuff . I may have over packed on everything but the clothes but only time will tell . You just can 't run down to Wal Mart to get something if you forget it . You most likely will find it but will take all day and pay twice as much . One guard / worker helped us all the way to our car - unrequested ( our car was in the parking lot across the street , so we had to cross the street with all our luggage ) . Then came along 8 other men to help us . Again , unrequested . Thankfully Pastor and Cecilia were there . We got everything in , and between Frank and us only paid out about $ 4 . 00 for the unasked for help . We went right to our hotel . It is very nice . They had wireless internet , and gave me the code , but for whatever reason , I could not connect anyway . Bummer . We tired our cell phone , and they work like a charm . Better watch it or we could run up a bill real quick ! We were very tired , but so gross , too . So , we all took showers , cold of course , and after a snack , all of us got into the one king size bed . Note … . Son not liking the cold shower . The kids were out cold within seconds . It took Jody and I a bit longer , as it was really only noonish our time . Son and Jody woke up at 4am . I woke up shortly after , and then Daughter . Yeah , our clocks are a bit screwed up . The kids played , I tried to get the internet to work , and Jody tried to get back to sleep . Finally , breakfast time . Breakfast is included in the hotel room , so off we go , We order boiled eggs , sausage ( for a little extra money ) , pancakes and OJ and Coffee . No pancakes today , and no OJ . Pineapple juice instead and toast instead . Out comes the sausage … . errr . . uh … hot dog . Yeah , that 's right a hot dog . And , get this … the menu said 2 . 50 for sausage ( 2 . 5 cedi 's is the same as 2 . 5 dollars . Which for a Ghanaian is a lot ) We didn 't know that meant per sausage , we thought per serving , which we ordered two of . They brought us 4 ' sausages ' and it cost us 12 dollars ! ! Back to the room to wait for Frank , and take a nap . When he arrived the kids were sound asleep ( actually we were , too ) . We were going to wake them up and leave , but Frank said , No , let them sleep . We will come back at noon . So , we all went back to sleep until noon . When he came back we reloaded the luggage . We had all of our luggage ( 15 pieces ) in the back of his land rover / Mitsubishi Montero - like car . Then , in the back seat was all 4 of us , and in front was Cecilia and Frank . The kids think it is so neat that they don 't have car seats or seat belt . Off to Kumasi we went . We stopped at a Judge 's house that Frank knows , used to be a pastor I believe for lunch . Yams ( white like potato ) and some red spicy fish sauce and boiled eggs was served . Daughter was a champ . She ate almost all of her food , and she was given quite a lot . Son at least tried it , and ate some of a boiled egg . After lunch , we drove 51 / 2 hours without ever getting out of the car . We could have , but we just wanted to get it over with . The kids weren 't complaining , so we might as well take advantage of it . A full 46 hours after we left for the airport in Portland , we arrived in Kumasi . During the trip the kids just took it all in . They love it when they see someone carrying something on their head , and every goat , cow , chicken , dog and lizard deserved to be noted . Along the way , we pulled over and frank bought stuff . Kinda cool to do all your grocery shopping without getting out of your car ! When we got to their house , Frank said he was going to put us in the guest house ( which we thought was the house on their property , but he was actually referring to the retreat center ) , but that cecilia thought we might get lonely , and so we were going to stay in their house . They were also worried that we would not feel safe . We went to look at the retreat center , and the kids stayed with Cecilia . Bad idea . When we got back , Daughter said I had a bloody nose . I said ok . You alright ? Yeah . Well then Cecilia told me that Son punched her . I looked at him and he was on the verge of tears . He covered his eyes and buried his head . I told him It was OK , and we would deal with it later . Daughter said she swallowed the blood and that it still tasted yucky , but she said she didn 't cry ( she really is a tuff girl when it comes down to it . ) Then Rice and some HOT red stuff and chicken . Again , Daughter was a champ . She ate everything on her plate . Son really struggled . He was tired , hungry , and it was just not good . Then Frank said would you like some chocolate milk ? He said yes , and then when he found out that mean hot chocolate , he fell to pieces . There was no returning . We took him to our room , and gave him some of our American snacks . I am so glad I decided to pack them . They are a God - send . We told them only one a day , but this day we let them have three . They deserved it . They had been thought a lot . Then it was bath time , and again a cold shower . Son was not so happy about that . He cried and cried . Daughter , the pleaser , of course loved it . Son pretty much cried the rest of the night , and said I want to go home . He had both Mommy and Daddy in tears . We know this is a huge adjustment for them , and we wish we could make it easier . Today is Sunday . We were going to take the day off , Frank told us to , but then when we went to breakfast he said they are expecting you be ready to go at 9 . Then when we were about 5 minutes from the church he said , which one of you is going to share ? Uh … thanks for he heads up . What 's that verse about being ready in and out of season ? Yeah , so not ready . Jody and I both ended up sharing just a little bit . Daughter and Son sat with Coby ( Frank 's grandson ) . In the congregation while we sat on the platform . They were pretty good … . except that they kept playing with their water bottles . They started out with one and were fighting over it , so I went and gave them mine , so they each had one . Then they kept putting it on their heads . Finally Jody went and took them away . Two minutes later they had another one from the " water lady " . During worship I saw something dart across the stage toward me . I stepped forward , and looked back to see a lizard ( a good size one , body about 6 in ) running toward me . It passed me and Frank and another guy trapped it and shooed it out the door . The kids thought that was awesome and both agreed that Papa would have screamed . Frank said another lady that was here did scream really loud when the same thing happened to her . During church , the kids were starting to act up , so I went down to sit with them . Daughter said she had to go to the bathroom . I told her to hold it . She really had to go so after awhile , I got Jody 's attention ( Son had fallen asleep on me ) and he took her . He said an African lady had to show her how to squat and go on the ground . All I know is that when she came back in I asked , did you go ? She said yes . I said , in a toilet ? She said NO ( with big eyes ) . I just started laughing . OK , so this morning , we were woken up by some strange noise . Sounded sort of like a cow , but not quite . I thought it might be an elephant … in my very dazed sleepy state … . and I also thought the white sand / cement outside was snow … yeah I was out of it . It eventually woke up Son , and so we were all up at 5am . A few minutes later , we hear a cow bell and singing … not a great way to start your day . And then that noise again . It turns out there is this group that each Sunday get up early and run and sing . No one likes it . The noise was a trumpet . Oatmeal and eggs for breakfast and fried plantains . Son loves oatmeal , but wouldn 't touch it . It was not the same consistency , so he was not going for it . Neither of them liked the plantains . I don 't blame them . After church , we went to a convenience store with three fast - food restaurants in it . A pizza place , a grilled chicken place , and a fried chicken place . We went there to get Malachi some fries . They also had a play structure just like McDonalds . By this point , Son and Daughter both had finally warmed up to Coby , and they played together the rest of the day . When we got home we had peanut butter soup . YUM ! ! Of course Son didn 't really like it . We ate it Ghanaian style … with our hands . Kids thought that was fun , but not for very long , and they wanted their spoons and forks back . One thing I have noticed , it that things are more expensive than they were last time we were here . Bread is 2 . 50 fan ice is . 50 and pop is . 40 Last time fan ice was like 5 cents , and bread was a dollar . Pop was . 25 cents . Frank says that they raised the minimum wage from 1 cedi to 2 cedis , and right after they experienced some major inflation . Hmmmmm … . . sounds familiar … . . We definitely have to be more careful with our money , as it will not go as far as it used to . In actuality , cost of living in regards to food , gas , and utilities , is quite comparable with home , it is only slightly less . Makes you wonder how they can make it on 2 dollars a day and we struggle with 8 and up per hour ! Typical African day . We have sat around waiting . Which drives me nuts ! I 've got to put a book or bible or something in my bag . Frank had a court date today . We were supposed to be over for breakfast at 7 : 30 , but we all woke up late ! We were 30 minutes late . After a while , we went on a walk to the fueling station which has a food mart . It is less than a mile away . We were on our way by ourselves when Rev . Bismak saw us . He was on his way to town , so he escorted us to the store . He held Son 's hand the whole way , which I think freaked him out , because he grabbed my hand and wouldn 't let go . Ghanaians are very touchy , and it is hard to get used to . After our walk we came back and sat in front of the fan . After a while we started school , then Frank showed up , and we went over for lunch . It was a really good lunch chips ( fried yams … sort of like fries ) , fish , and baked beans . Loved it . Best meal so far . We spoke with frank for a bit , I went out to check on the kids , who were playing outside with Coby . Jody came out , and we walked through the house they are building . It is HUGE . Went back to frank , but He was gone . We were supposed to go to town . We waited and waited … . finally coby went inside and when we asked him if he had seen his Grandpa , he said he was sleeping . So we came back home . The kids and coby are playing outside , and here we sit . I want to talk with the ladies more . Esi is our ' maid ' and her sister helps , too . I don 't know the etiquette . They are almost always working , so do I and speak with them while they work ? Would it be rude if I helped ? I want to build relationships and be culturally relational , but I am not sure how . Everyone serves us here , weather we ask or not . Ghanaians are very hospitable to their visitors , and it is pretty obvious that we are visitors . They want to serve us , and denying their service is offensive . Many act this way towards their leaders ( aka Bishop , as we are getting used to calling him ) as well . It makes it hard to relate , at least in my American culture brain . Here I want to serve them and they are serving me . I asked Frank at what point do we stop being visitors . He said , when we move here , people will show us the ways and then we will be on our own , but this time , we are visitors . Two months doesn 't seem like a visit , but I guess that lengthy of visits is probably normal . After awhile , we went back over to Bishop 's house . We sat around . The kids fed the goats and tried to pet the goats , but Coby scared them away . We ate dinner . White rice and some red fish sauce . It was actually pretty good . Little spicy , but good . Son ate the rice but we had to force him to eat it … . even though it was plain rice . He wanted to just be a pain . We did what has become our regular nightly routine . Baths for everyone , tidy up the room , pb and j sandwich for the kids , prayer , and then bed for the kids . Jody and I go out to our sitting area and read . Tonight , Collin , Cobi 's Dad , came to sit with us . It was a challenging conversation . He speaks little English , so it was hard . He is so very nice . I wish we could talk with him more easily . He is about to be a dad again , Laura , his wife , Frank 's daughter is about to have a baby . I asked him if he was going to watch and , with big eyes , said , " No , no , no , no ! " He laughed when we told him the dads almost always watch and cut the umbilical cord in America . Collin is a legal clerk . He wants to be a lawyer and will be going back to school soon . He has 4 more years to go . He is 35 . His brother is a judge ( the one we ate lunch at his house on Saturday ) . His brother also owns the little store across from our place . His younger brother runs it . This afternoon , we went to the little store for a soda . You have to drink your soda there , because they want the glass back . They have to pay if they don 't return all of the glasses to the manufacturer . So we are sitting and drinking our sodas listening to Snoop Dogg cuss up a storm . That 's right … f this and f that . Thank goodness the kids don 't know what naughty words are … at least yet . See , neither do the Ghanaians ( at least the ones that don 't speak it well ) so they don 't think twice about it . Today was as eventful as yesterday was uneventful . After breakfast , we went to town to get a wireless card and cell phone and a fridge , and about a million other things . We were in the car for about six hours . Stopping here and there and everywhere . It was us four , frank , Cecilia , and Esi . Tried to talk to Esi , nothing . Frank says she is very shy . We got the fridge , and a garbage can , and an extension cord , a bunch of food ( Cecilia got ) , a blender for Cecilia , and I think that 's it . All of it in the car with all of us … . and right before we get home , we have to pick up their granddaughter , Crystabell ( about13 ) from school . She got in the car , too . While in town , we went out to lunch . We had a " continental " lunch , chicken and chips ( fries ) . Frank , Cecilia and Esi had fufu . Lunch was expensive . 44 cedis ( about 40 dollars ) for all of us ! Geesh ! Our first stop in town was the internet place . Now mind you , we have made about 10 stops prior to this . It seems we can 't go 2 miles without stopping somewhere . One of which was to buy us water . 10 bags of 25 baggies of water for 10 cedis . Each bag is about 16 oz . Not too shabby . It is going to cost 220 cedis ( about 200 dollars ) to get it set up . ( expensive , but worth it if it means contact with the outside world ) I said we want to do it , but I need more Cedis first . Off we go to get cedis . But we don 't . We go to lunch . Then after lunch , we go to get a cell phone . We ( meaning frank ) barter for awhile . We finally decide on an old school nokia for 25 cedis … about 22 dollars . It is used ( they almost all are ) , but will serve its purpose . Then we go to a few other stores , look at some fridges , exchange some money , and then we finally get in the car and head back to the internet place . We get there and find out that you have to bring the computer in . It will have to wait until tomorrow . Then we stop to get a fridge . We looked at several places ( when I say places I mean sides of the road ) , and decided , or rather Cecilia decided on a Frigidaire with a freezer . It was 100 cedis , about 82 dollars . It is a really nice half fridge , and it works great . We get back in the car , and head to an onion market . Yeah , all onions all day . It smelled very strong . Tons of onion stands , but all from the same truck . Like how does anyone make money ? Too much competition . Anyway , an old man came up to the window and asked Jody if he could marry his daughter , so he could go to the USA . He said a bunch more , but that is all we got . We get some onions . On we go . We stopped and got yams . We stopped and got peppers . We stopped and got a watermelon . We stopped and got bread . We stopped and bought a blender . We stopped and got a fan ice . We stopped and got an extension cord . We stopped at what seemed like every seamstress ( Cecilia sells dresses ) in Kumasi . We left the house at like 10 : 30 and got back at 6 : 30 . It was a long day in the car . Son slept half the time on Jody . Daughter was next to me with a garbage can on her lap . Esi was in the back with the fridge and all of our groceries . We were beat after such a long day in the car . So not long after dinner we headed back to our room . Unfortunately it wasn 't right to bed for a little MR . that had a nap ! Grr … He was up until 11pm ! After breakfast we went to our room for a bit and did some school . Then we walked to the store and bought ketchup and ice cream and pop . We went a different way this time and found a little strip of shops ( i . e . booths ) . It is an easy walk , but part of it is uphill , not so fun . After that we had lunch , the same as a few days before , fish and chips ( fried yams ) . The chips are very close to fires , especially with ketchup . Son didn 't agree . He said they tasted funny . At 2 we were to go to the internet place . Well , when we went to get into the car , we knew we were in for it - - - Cecilia was coming with us ! ! Sure enough , we stopped several places on our way to the ATM . Then we went to the Internet place . They had a bit of difficulty because of my firewall . Once I disabled that it worked right away . I really have no idea what was going on , but it got working . 220 cedis later we have the internet … . . well , sort of . We had to buy some minutes . We got those . OK . Mission accomplished . Now , back into the car … oh , no ! We are headed back down town ! I have no idea what for , but we waited on Cecilia for a long time . While waiting we had a coconut each . Coconut milk is not that great - sort of like sugar water , and coconuts must be eaten more raw here or something , because they are slimy . Not hard like the ones you buy in the store . Anyway , they are gross . Son , of course would have none of that . While waiting we did see a lady with a whole pallet of toilet paper on her head . That was pretty cool . OK , we are on our way … . stop . Fan Ice wholesale . Stop again , some building materials . Several more stops and seamstresses , finally home . Two things I have learned from our two days in the car . DO NOT say you would like to get something , don 't even act interested . If you do , you will most certainly be doing it right then , and prolonging your trip . Secondly , you hardly ever get out of your car to do anything . You just honk or call out , and they come to you . That is sort of nice . We get home and dinner is ready . Rice , Spaghetti noodles , and red sauce . It was good , but spicy . Son is eating better if we only give him two bites worth of the foreign stuff . He doesn 't fight as much on the regular stuff . Also , Coby has been eating with us , and that really seems to be helping . We serve an awesome God who is able to supply all our needs . Today He was my pill multiplier . : - ) The kids are taking anti malaria medication . It is not cheap . Their insurance covers it at no charge , which is awesome , but here is the clincher . . . they will only cover 2 pills a month per kid . They are supposed to take half a pill each week , so 2 pills is a month 's worth . And you cannot fill it until 28 days have passed . It 's kind of hard to fill a prescription while you 're in another country . So I bought 4 more pills , which cost $ 50 . 00 like I said , not cheap stuff ! That would get them through the trip and when we get home I can refill it for free to cover the 4 weeks after that they are supposed to take it . Well , tonight I am looking at the calendar , and I realize that I am a week short . I need one more pill . I have one bottle left to open . It 's supposed to have 4 pills in it . I pray , God , please , please provide another pill . We need one more pill . There were 5 pills in the bottle . Sure , some may say the DR mis - counted , or slipped in an extra for good measure . NO ! MY GOD , MY JEHOVAH , HE made provision for us ! He put that pill there . . . . don 't know what means He used , and it doesn 't matter . What matters is His Word is true . I just love miracles ! God is awesome . My husband , Jody , and I have felt God 's call to the Nations of West Africa for a long time . We thought we would be serving as full time missionaries as soon as we graduated Bible college . . . nearly 10 years ago ! God has taken us on an incredible journey . One that has included two beautiful blessings . We are closer to our dream of serving in West Africa than ever before . In the mean time , we are apart of a great church family . My hubby works hard , so that I be home with our kids and homeschool . |
The funeral was arranged for the next succeeding day , so that Lucy and her mother might be buried together . I attended to all the ghastly formalities , and the urbane undertaker proved that his staff was afflicted , or blessed , with something of his own obsequious suavity . Even the woman who performed the last offices for the dead remarked to me , in a confidential , brother - professional way , when she had come out from the death chamber , " She makes a very beautiful corpse , sir . It 's quite a privilege to attend on her . It 's not too much to say that she will do credit to our establishment ! " I noticed that Van Helsing never kept far away . This was possible from the disordered state of things in the household . There were no relatives at hand , and as Arthur had to be back the next day to attend at his father 's funeral , we were unable to notify any one who should have been bidden . Under the circumstances , Van Helsing and I took it upon ourselves to examine papers , etc . He insisted upon looking over Lucy 's papers himself . I asked him why , for I feared that he , being a foreigner , might not be quite aware of English legal requirements , and so might in ignorance make some unnecessary trouble . He answered me , " I know , I know . You forget that I am a lawyer as well as a doctor . But this is not altogether for the law . You knew that , when you avoided the coroner . I have more than him to avoid . There may be papers more , such as this . " " When you find anything of the solicitor who is for the late Mrs . Westenra , seal all her papers , and write him tonight . For me , I watch here in the room and in Miss Lucy 's old room all night , and I myself search for what may be . It is not well that her very thoughts go into the hands of strangers . " I went on with my part of the work , and in another half hour had found the name and address of Mrs . Westenra 's solicitor and had written to him . All the poor lady 's papers were in order . Explicit directions regarding the place of burial were given . I had hardly sealed the letter , when , to my surprise , Van Helsing walked into the room , saying , To which he replied , " I did not look for any specific thing . I only hoped to find , and find I have , all that there was , only some letters and a few memoranda , and a diary new begun . But I have them here , and we shall for the present say nothing of them . I shall see that poor lad tomorrow evening , and , with his sanction , I shall use some . " When we had finished the work in hand , he said to me , " And now , friend John , I think we may to bed . We want sleep , both you and I , and rest to recuperate . Tomorrow we shall have much to do , but for the tonight there is no need of us . Alas ! " Before turning in we went to look at poor Lucy . The undertaker had certainly done his work well , for the room was turned into a small chapelle ardente . There was a wilderness of beautiful white flowers , and death was made as little repulsive as might be . The end of the winding sheet was laid over the face . When the Professor bent over and turned it gently back , we both started at the beauty before us . The tall wax candles showing a sufficient light to note it well . All Lucy 's loveliness had come back to her in death , and the hours that had passed , instead of leaving traces of ' decay 's effacing fingers ' , had but restored the beauty of life , till positively I could not believe my eyes that I was looking at a corpse . The Professor looked sternly grave . He had not loved her as I had , and there was no need for tears in his eyes . He said to me , " Remain till I return , " and left the room . He came back with a handful of wild garlic from the box waiting in the hall , but which had not been opened , and placed the flowers amongst the others on and around the bed . Then he took from his neck , inside his collar , a little gold crucifix , and placed it over the mouth . He restored the sheet to its place , and we came away . " Yes and no . I want to operate , but not what you think . Let me tell you now , but not a word to another . I want to cut off her head and take out her heart . Ah ! You a surgeon , and so shocked ! You , whom I have seen with no tremble of hand or heart , do operations of life and death that make the rest shudder . Oh , but I must not forget , my dear friend John , that you loved her , and I have not forgotten it for is I that shall operate , and you must not help . I would like to do it tonight , but for Arthur I must not . He will be free after his father 's funeral tomorrow , and he will want to see her , to see it . Then , when she is coffined ready for the next day , you and I shall come when all sleep . We shall unscrew the coffin lid , and shall do our operation , and then replace all , so that none know , save we alone . " " But why do it at all ? The girl is dead . Why mutilate her poor body without need ? And if there is no necessity for a post - mortem and nothing to gain by it , no good to her , to us , to science , to human knowledge , why do it ? Without such it is monstrous . " For answer he put his hand on my shoulder , and said , with infinite tenderness , " Friend John , I pity your poor bleeding heart , and I love you the more because it does so bleed . If I could , I would take on myself the burden that you do bear . But there are things that you know not , but that you shall know , and bless me for knowing , though they are not pleasant things . John , my child , you have been my friend now many years , and yet did you ever know me to do any without good cause ? I may err , I am but man , but I believe in all I do . Was it not for these causes that you send for me when the great trouble came ? Yes ! Were you not amazed , nay horrified , when I would not let Arthur kiss his love , though she was dying , and snatched him away by all my strength ? Yes ! And yet you saw how she thanked me , with her so beautiful dying eyes , her voice , too , so weak , and she kiss my rough old hand and bless me ? Yes ! And did you not hear me swear promise to her , that so she closed her eyes grateful ? Yes ! " Well , I have good reason now for all I want to do . You have for many years trust me . You have believe me weeks past , when there be things so strange that you might have well doubt . Believe me yet a little , friend John . If you trust me not , then I must tell what I think , and that is not perhaps well . And if I work , as work I shall , no matter trust or no trust , without my friend trust in me , I work with heavy heart and feel , oh so lonely when I want all help and courage that may be ! " He paused a moment and went on solemnly , " Friend John , there are strange and terrible days before us . Let us not be two , but one , that so we work to a good end . Will you not have faith in me ? " I took his hand , and promised him . I held my door open as he went away , and watched him go to his room and close the door . As I stood without moving , I saw one of the maids pass silently along the passage , she had her back to me , so did not see me , and go into the room where Lucy lay . The sight touched me . Devotion is so rare , and we are so grateful to those who show it unasked to those we love . Here was a poor girl putting aside the terrors which she naturally had of death to go watch alone by the bier of the mistress whom she loved , so that the poor clay might not be lonely till laid to eternal rest . I must have slept long and soundly , for it was broad daylight when Van Helsing waked me by coming into my room . He came over to my bedside and said , " You need not trouble about the knives . We shall not do it . " " Because I get it back from the worthless wretch who stole it , from the woman who robbed the dead and the living . Her punishment will surely come , but not through me . She knew not altogether what she did , and thus unknowing , she only stole . Now we must wait . " He went away on the word , leaving me with a new mystery to think of , a new puzzle to grapple with . The forenoon was a dreary time , but at noon the solicitor came , Mr . Marquand , of Wholeman , Sons , Marquand & Lidderdale . He was very genial and very appreciative of what we had done , and took off our hands all cares as to details . During lunch he told us that Mrs . Westenra had for some time expected sudden death from her heart , and had put her affairs in absolute order . He informed us that , with the exception of a certain entailed property of Lucy 's father which now , in default of direct issue , went back to a distant branch of the family , the whole estate , real and personal , was left absolutely to Arthur Holmwood . When he had told us so much he went on , " Frankly we did our best to prevent such a testamentary disposition , and pointed out certain contingencies that might leave her daughter either penniless or not so free as she should be to act regarding a matrimonial alliance . Indeed , we pressed the matter so far that we almost came into collision , for she asked us if we were or were not prepared to carry out her wishes . Of course , we had then no alternative but to accept . We were right in principle , and ninety - nine times out of a hundred we should have proved , by the logic of events , the accuracy of our judgment . " Frankly , however , I must admit that in this case any other form of disposition would have rendered impossible the carrying out of her wishes . For by her predeceasing her daughter the latter would have come into possession of the property , and , even had she only survived her mother by five minutes , her property would , in case there were no will , and a will was a practical impossibility in such a case , have been treated at her decease as under intestacy . In which case Lord Godalming , though so dear a friend , would have had no claim in the world . And the inheritors , being remote , would not be likely to abandon their just rights , for sentimental reasons regarding an entire stranger . I assure you , my dear sirs , I am rejoiced at the result , perfectly rejoiced . " He did not remain long , but said he would look in later in the day and see Lord Godalming . His coming , however , had been a certain comfort to us , since it assured us that we should not have to dread hostile criticism as to any of our acts . Arthur was expected at five o ' clock , so a little before that time we visited the death chamber . It was so in very truth , for now both mother and daughter lay in it . The undertaker , true to his craft , had made the best display he could of his goods , and there was a mortuary air about the place that lowered our spirits at once . Poor fellow ! He looked desperately sad and broken . Even his stalwart manhood seemed to have shrunk somewhat under the strain of his much - tried emotions . He had , I knew , been very genuinely and devotedly attached to his father , and to lose him , and at such a time , was a bitter blow to him . With me he was warm as ever , and to Van Helsing he was sweetly courteous . But I could not help seeing that there was some constraint with him . The professor noticed it too , and motioned me to bring him upstairs . I did so , and left him at the door of the room , as I felt he would like to be quite alone with her , but he took my arm and led me in , saying huskily , " You loved her too , old fellow . She told me all about it , and there was no friend had a closer place in her heart than you . I don 't know how to thank you for all you have done for her . I can 't think yet . . . " Here he suddenly broke down , and threw his arms round my shoulders and laid his head on my breast , crying , " Oh , Jack ! Jack ! What shall I do ? The whole of life seems gone from me all at once , and there is nothing in the wide world for me to live for . " I comforted him as well as I could . In such cases men do not need much expression . A grip of the hand , the tightening of an arm over the shoulder , a sob in unison , are expressions of sympathy dear to a man 's heart . I stood still and silent till his sobs died away , and then I said softly to him , " Come and look at her . " Together we moved over to the bed , and I lifted the lawn from her face . God ! How beautiful she was . Every hour seemed to be enhancing her loveliness . It frightened and amazed me somewhat . And as for Arthur , he fell to trembling , and finally was shaken with doubt as with an ague . At last , after a long pause , he said to me in a faint whisper , " Jack , is she really dead ? " I assured him sadly that it was so , and went on to suggest , for I felt that such a horrible doubt should not have life for a moment longer than I could help , that it often happened that after death faces become softened and even resolved into their youthful beauty , that this was especially so when death had been preceded by any acute or prolonged suffering . I seemed to quite do away with any doubt , and after kneeling beside the couch for a while and looking at her lovingly and long , he turned aside . I told him that that must be goodbye , as the coffin had to be prepared , so he went back and took her dead hand in his and kissed it , and bent over and kissed her forehead . He came away , fondly looking back over his shoulder at her as he came . I left him in the drawing room , and told Van Helsing that he had said goodbye , so the latter went to the kitchen to tell the undertaker 's men to proceed with the preperations and to screw up the coffin . When he came out of the room again I told him of Arthur 's question , and he replied , " I am not surprised . Just now I doubted for a moment myself ! " " No , no , not that , for God 's sake ! Not yet at any rate . Forgive me , sir . I did not mean to speak offensively . It is only because my loss is so recent . " Arthur held out his hand , and took the old man 's warmly . " Call me what you will , " he said . " I hope I may always have the title of a friend . And let me say that I am at a loss for words to thank you for your goodness to my poor dear . " He paused a moment , and went on , " I know that she understood your goodness even better than I do . And if I was rude or in any way wanting at that time you acted so , you remember , " - - the Professor nodded - - " You must forgive me . " He answered with a grave kindness , " I know it was hard for you to quite trust me then , for to trust such violence needs to understand , and I take it that you do not , that you cannot , trust me now , for you do not yet understand . And there may be more times when I shall want you to trust when you cannot , and may not , and must not yet understand . But the time will come when your trust shall be whole and complete in me , and when you shall understand as though the sunlight himself shone through . Then you shall bless me from first to last for your own sake , and for the sake of others , and for her dear sake to whom I swore to protect . " " And indeed , indeed , sir , " said Arthur warmly . " I shall in all ways trust you . I know and believe you have a very noble heart , and you are Jack 's friend , and you were hers . You shall do what you like . " " And as it is all yours , you have a right to deal with it as you will . I want you to give me permission to read all Miss Lucy 's papers and letters . Believe me , it is no idle curiosity . I have a motive of which , be sure , she would have approved . I have them all here . I took them before we knew that all was yours , so that no strange hand might touch them , no strange eye look through words into her soul . I shall keep them , if I may . Even you may not see them yet , but I shall keep them safe . No word shall be lost , and in the good time I shall give them back to you . It is a hard thing that I ask , but you will do it , will you not , for Lucy 's sake ? " Arthur spoke out heartily , like his old self , " Dr . Van Helsing , you may do what you will . I feel that in saying this I am doing what my dear one would have approved . I shall not trouble you with questions till the time comes . " The old Professor stood up as he said solemnly , " And you are right . There will be pain for us all , but it will not be all pain , nor will this pain be the last . We and you too , you most of all , dear boy , will have to pass through the bitter water before we reach the sweet . But we must be brave of heart and unselfish , and do our duty , and all will be well ! " I slept on a sofa in Arthur 's room that night . Van Helsing did not go to bed at all . He went to and fro , as if patroling the house , and was never out of sight of the room where Lucy lay in her coffin , strewn with the wild garlic flowers , which sent through the odor of lily and rose , a heavy , overpowering smell into the night . 22 September . - - In the train to Exeter . Jonathan sleeping . It seems only yesterday that the last entry was made , and yet how much between then , in Whitby and all the world before me , Jonathan away and no news of him , and now , married to Jonathan , Jonathan a solicitor , a partner , rich , master of his business , Mr . Hawkins dead and buried , and Jonathan with another attack that may harm him . Some day he may ask me about it . Down it all goes . I am rusty in my shorthand , see what unexpected prosperity does for us , so it may be as well to freshen it up again with an exercise anyhow . The service was very simple and very solemn . There were only ourselves and the servants there , one or two old friends of his from Exeter , his London agent , and a gentleman representing Sir John Paxton , the President of the Incorporated Law Society . Jonathan and I stood hand in hand , and we felt that our best and dearest friend was gone from us . We came back to town quietly , taking a bus to Hyde Park Corner . Jonathan thought it would interest me to go into the Row for a while , so we sat down . But there were very few people there , and it was sad - looking and desolate to see so many empty chairs . It made us think of the empty chair at home . So we got up and walked down Piccadilly . Jonathan was holding me by the arm , the way he used to in the old days before I went to school . I felt it very improper , for you can 't go on for some years teaching etiquette and decorum to other girls without the pedantry of it biting into yourself a bit . But it was Jonathan , and he was my husband , and we didn 't know anybody who saw us , and we didn 't care if they did , so on we walked . I was looking at a very beautiful girl , in a big cart - wheel hat , sitting in a victoria outside Guiliano 's , when I felt Jonathan clutch my arm so tight that he hurt me , and he said under his breath , " My God ! " He was very pale , and his eyes seemed bulging out as , half in terror and half in amazement , he gazed at a tall , thin man , with a beaky nose and black moustache and pointed beard , who was also observing the pretty girl . He was looking at her so hard that he did not see either of us , and so I had a good view of him . His face was not a good face . It was hard , and cruel , and sensual , and big white teeth , that looked all the whiter because his lips were so red , were pointed like an animal 's . Jonathan kept staring at him , till I was afraid he would notice . I feared he might take it ill , he looked so fierce and nasty . I asked Jonathan why he was disturbed , and he answered , evidently thinking that I knew as much about it as he did , " Do you see who it is ? " " No , dear , " I said . " I don 't know him , who is it ? " His answer seemed to shock and thrill me , for it was said as if he did not know that it was me , Mina , to whom he was speaking . " It is the man himself ! " The poor dear was evidently terrified at something , very greatly terrified . I do believe that if he had not had me to lean on and to support him he would have sunk down . He kept staring . A man came out of the shop with a small parcel , and gave it to the lady , who then drove off . Th e dark man kept his eyes fixed on her , and when the carriage moved up Piccadilly he followed in the same direction , and hailed a hansom . Jonathan kept looking after him , and said , as if to himself , " I believe it is the Count , but he has grown young . My God , if this be so ! Oh , my God ! My God ! If only I knew ! If only I knew ! " He was distressing himself so much that I feared to keep his mind on the subject by asking him any questions , so I remained silent . I drew away quietly , and he , holding my arm , came easily . We walked a little further , and then went in and sat for a while in the Green Park . It was a hot day for autumn , and there was a comfortable seat in a shady place . After a few minutes ' staring at nothing , Jonathan 's eyes closed , and he went quickly into a sleep , with his head on my shoulder . I thought it was the best thing for him , so did not disturb him . In about twenty minutes he woke up , and said to me quite cheerfully , " Why , Mina , have I been asleep ! Oh , do forgive me for being so rude . Come , and we 'll have a cup of tea somewhere . " He had evidently forgotten all about the dark stranger , as in his illness he had forgotten all that this episode had reminded him of . I don 't like this lapsing into forgetfulness . It may make or continue some injury to the brain . I must not ask him , for fear I shall do more harm than good , but I must somehow learn the facts of his journey abroad . The time is come , I fear , when I must open the parcel , and know what is written . Oh , Jonathan , you will , I know , forgive me if I do wrong , but it is for your own dear sake . Later . - - A sad home - coming in every way , the house empty of the dear soul who was so good to us . Jonathan still pale and dizzy under a slight relapse of his malady , and now a telegram from Van Helsing , whoever he may be . " You will be grieved to hear that Mrs . Westenra died five days ago , and that Lucy died the day before yesterday . They were both buried today . " Oh , what a wealth of sorrow in a few words ! Poor Mrs . Westenra ! Poor Lucy ! Gone , gone , never to return to us ! And poor , poor Arthur , to have lost such a sweetness out of his life ! God help us all to bear our troubles . 22 September . - - It is all over . Arthur has gone back to Ring , and has taken Quincey Morris with him . What a fine fellow is Quincey ! I believe in my heart of hearts that he suffered as much about Lucy 's death as any of us , but he bore himself through it like a moral Viking . If America can go on breeding men like that , she will be a power in the world indeed . Van Helsing is lying down , having a rest preparatory to his journey . He goes to Amsterdam tonight , but says he returns tomorrow night , that he only wants to make some arrangements which can only be made personally . He is to stop with me then , if he can . He says he has work to do in London which may take him some time . Poor old fellow ! I fear that the strain of the past week has broken down even his iron strength . All the time of the burial he was , I could see , putting some terrible restraint on himself . When it was all over , we were standing beside Arthur , who , poor fellow , was speaking of his part in the operation where his blood had been transfused to his Lucy 's veins . I could see Van Helsing 's face grow white and purple by turns . Arthur was saying that he felt since then as if they two had been really married , and that she was his wife in the sight of God . None of us said a word of the other operations , and none of us ever shall . Arthur and Quincey went away together to the station , and Van Helsing and I came on here . The moment we were alone in the carriage he gave way to a regular fit of hysterics . He has denied to me since that it was hysterics , and insisted that it was only his sense of humor asserting itself under very terrible conditions . He laughed till he cried , and I had to draw down the blinds lest any one should see us and misjudge . And then he cried , till he laughed again , and laughed and cried together , just as a woman does . I tried to be stern with him , as one is to a woman under the circumstances , but it had no effect . Men and women are so different in manifestations of nervous strength or weakness ! Then when his face grew grave and stern agai " Ah , you don 't comprehend , friend John . Do not think that I am not sad , though I laugh . See , I have cried even when the laugh did choke me . But no more think that I am all sorry when I cry , for the laugh he come just the same . Keep it always with you that laughter who knock at your door and say , ' May I come in ? ' is not true laughter . No ! He is a king , and he come when and how he like . He ask no person , he choose no time of suitability . He say , ' I am here . ' Behold , in example I grieve my heart out for that so sweet young girl . I give my blood for her , though I am old and worn . I give my time , my skill , my sleep . I let my other sufferers want that she may have all . And yet I can laugh at her very grave , laugh when the clay from the spade of the sexton drop upon her coffin and say ' Thud , thud ! ' to my heart , till it send back the blood from my cheek . My heart bleed for that poor boy , that dear boy , so of the age of mine own boy had I been so blessed that he live , and with his hair and eyes the same . " There , you know now why I love him so . And yet when he say things that touch my husband - heart to the quick , and make my father - heart yearn to him as to no other man , not even you , friend John , for we are more level in experiences than father and son , yet even at such a moment King Laugh he come to me and shout and bellow in my ear , ' Here I am ! Here I am ! ' till the blood come dance back and bring some of the sunshine that he carry with him to my cheek . Oh , friend John , it is a strange world , a sad world , a world full of miseries , and woes , and troubles . And yet when King Laugh come , he make them all dance to the tune he play . Bleeding hearts , and dry bones of the churchyard , and tears that burn as they fall , all dance together to the music that he make with that smileless mouth of him . And believe me , friend John , that he is good to come , and kind . Ah , we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us different ways . Then tears come , and like the rain on the ropes , they brace us up , until perhaps the strain become too great , and we break . But King Laugh he come like the sunshine , and he ease off the strain again , and we bear to go on with our labor , what it may be . " " Oh , it was the grim irony of it all , this so lovely lady garlanded with flowers , that looked so fair as life , till one by one we wondered if she were truly dead , she laid in that so fine marble house in that lonely churchyard , where rest so many of her kin , laid there with the mother who loved her , and whom she loved , and that sacred bell going " Toll ! Toll ! Toll ! ' so sad and slow , and those holy men , with the white garments of the angel , pretending to read books , and yet all the time their eyes never on the page , and all of us with the bowed head . And all for what ? She is dead , so ! Is it not ? " " Well , for the life of me , Professor , " I said , " I can 't see anything to laugh at in all that . Why , your expression makes it a harder puzzle than before . But even if the burial service was comic , what about poor Art and his trouble ? Why his heart was simply breaking . " " Quite so . But there was a difficulty , friend John . If so that , then what about the others ? Ho , ho ! Then this so sweet maid is a polyandrist , and me , with my poor wife dead to me , but alive by Church 's law , though no wits , all gone , even I , who am faithful husband to this now - no - wife , am bigamist . " " I don 't see where the joke comes in there either ! " I said , and I did not feel particularly pleased with him for saying such things . He laid his hand on my arm , and said , " Friend John , forgive me if I pain . I showed not my feeling to others when it would wound , but only to you , my old friend , whom I can trust . If you could have looked into my heart then when I want to laugh , if you could have done so when the laugh arrived , if you could do so now , when King Laugh have pack up his crown , and all that is to him , for he go far , far away from me , and for a long , long time , maybe you would perhaps pity me the most of all . " The neighborhood of Hampstead is just at present exercised with a series of events which seem to run on lines parallel to those of what was known to the writers of headlines and " The Kensington Horror , " or " The Stabbing Woman , " or " The Woman in Black . " During the past two or three days several cases have occurred of young children straying from home or neglecting to return from their playing on the Heath . In all these cases the children were too young to give any properly intelligible account of themselves , but the consensus of their excuses is that they had been with a " bloofer lady . " It has always been late in the evening when they have been missed , and on two occasions the children have not been found until early in the following morning . It is generally supposed in the neighborhood that , as the first child missed gave as his reason for being away that a " bloofer lady " had asked him to come for a walk , the others had picked up the phrase and used it as occasion served . This is the more natural as the favorite game of the little ones at present is luring each other away by wiles . A correspondent writes us that to see some of the tiny tots pretending to be the " bloofer lady " is supremely funny . Some of our caricaturists might , he says , take a lesson in the irony of grotesque by comparing the reality and the picture . It is only in accordance with general principles of human nature that the " bloofer lady " should be the popular role at these al fresco performances . Our correspondent naively says that even Ellen Terry could not be so winningly attractive as some of these grubby - faced little children pretend , and even imagine themselves , to be . There is , however , possibly a serious side to the question , for some of the children , indeed all who have been missed at night , have been slightly torn or wounded in the throat . The wounds seem such as might be made by a rat or a small dog , and although of not much importance individually , would tend to show that whatever animal inflicts them has a system or method of its own . The police of the division have been instructed to keep a sharp lookout for straying children , especially when very young , in and around Hampstead Heath , and for any stray dog which may be about . We have just received intelligence that another child , missed last night , was only discovered late in the morning under a furze bush at the Shooter 's Hill side of Hampstead Heath , which is perhaps , less frequented than the other parts . It has the same tiny wound in the throat as has been noticed in other cases . It was terribly weak , and looked quite emaciated . It too , when partially restored , had the common story to tell of being lured away by the " bloofer lady " . |
To those of you unfamiliar with our story , we adopted our little guy from Guatemala . We started the process of adoption maybe three years before he came home with us . It was a journey full of lots of prayer . . . worthy of telling in itself . But , for now , I shall skip to the part at the END of that adoption chapter . . . . where we actually got to travel to Guatemala to bring our son home . We first received his photo and information in February of 2005 and he came home with us at the end of May in 2007 , just after his 4th birthday . Here is the diary I kept on my laptop while we were in Guatemala . Some of the days and times don 't quite line up . I don 't know what happened except that I was a little distracted while I was writing it . I use " blog names " for my friends and family , to keep our privacy safe . The Jedi is my husband . Sweetling is our little girl , who had just turned 9 . Mango , Telephone , and Christopher Robin are all good friends of mine . Speckle , who is mentioned by name several times , is Sweetling 's stuffed leopard . Sunday , May 27 … . 6 : 16 am ( local time ) We got up last night at 12 : 10 pm , got the car loaded up , had a light breakfast , picked up a sleeping Sweetling , and were on the road by 1 : 15 am . The Jedi remarked that we we 're on the road with people who hadn 't yet gone to bed . We arrived at the Columbus airport at maybe 3 : 20 am . Woke the Sweetling , got her shoes on , and unloaded the car . I must at this point comment on what a wonderful image the Sweetling made . I wished that we had the camera out and accessible , but knew that the Jedi wasn 't going to tolerate a camera delay after we were all set . Sweetling had on black leggings , a pink tied dyed shirt , her neon green crocs with all their jibbetz . Her hair fell loose to just past her shoulders . Around her neck was the strap to her black passport wallet , which hung just at her waist level . Her pink , purple , and yellow " school time " backpack was over both shoulders , filled with activities for the plane rides . Since we had three pieces of luggage to be checked , Sweetling was responsible for pulling one of the pieces through the airport . We decided that it was a suitcase pet . Under her arm , Speckle the Leopard was tucked . ( Sweetling decided that we could remember where we had parked , 3C , because their were three of us and Speckle " sees " steak . ) On the way to the garage elevator , I made an excited comment about being on our way . Sweetling added that we were on our way to bring E - - - - home . Then she added , " But I 'll still be part of the family . " The Jedi repeatedly set off the metal detectors going through the security check point . It was finally determined , after he had walked back and forth and had the wand passed over him multiple times , that he just had a really high iron content in his blood . The extra time allowed me and Sweetling to get our shoes back on , get our passports back around our necks , repack the laptop , etc . Plane rides and connecting flights all went really smoothly . Sweetling , who is afraid of heights , was really worried and nervous about the plane ride . I sat by the window during our first take off . Sweetling sat in the middle , and the Jedi sat on the aisle . By the time we had reached our cruising altitude of 38 , 000 feet and the captain had taken off the seatbelt light , the glimpses Sweetling saw through the plane window made her want to get up to look out the window directly . As soon as she was allowed to unbuckle and get out of her seat , she climbed across Mommy to peer out . Immediately , she decided that she really really really wanted to sit next to the window after all . Being in a plane was SOOO cool . Again , the desire to have the camera was made known . She really wanted to take a picture of the sunrise from above the clouds to show all her friends . It was truly a beautiful sight . But alas , the camera was in the briefcase in the overhead compartment and the Jedi in the aisle sleep was trying to snooze a little to make up for two nights of 3 - 4 hours of interrupted sleep . ( We did take one picture of Sweetling in the Houston airport in front of the planes at the terminal . ) The clouds were too thick as we flew over Mexico to let us see the countryside , but again , the view from above the clouds was still spectacular . We didn 't get a glimpse of the ground until we started our final descent into Guatemala . Then , Sweetling and I were both eagerly peering out the plane window , with Sweetling in the window seat . Flying down through the clouds was really cool . The clouds were thick , but not so thick that we were in total white out for the entire descent . Instead , we got to glimpse clouds at eye level through a slight haze . As we emerged from the haze , I was trying to catch sight of Guatemala . A shape became visible . Slowly my brain resolved what my eyes were seeing as the haze cleared . A mountain ! I had been under the impression that Guatemala 's geography was as such : Guatemala on the east and west touches the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans . The land near the coast is lowlands of tropical rain forests ( this is true ) . Then the land begins to rise ( also true ) into mountainous county ( yes indeed ) . But I thought that the middle of Guatemala was a high , rolling plateau of grasslands . It totally isn 't . The middle of Guatemala looks like the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee … a little . There are tree covered slopes of pine , but most of the mountainsides are used for croplands and are somewhat terraced and patchwork looking from above . Guatemala City itself , at least the part we could see near the airport , is arranged in clusters of streets and buildings on one slope , and another cluster on the slope next to it , then another little cluster … and so on . The plane fell lower yet , and I could see the details of the buildings in one of the clusters . Many of them are made out of cinderblock or concrete with what looked like corrugated steel roofs . But I know that was only one cluster , and I 'm eager to see more of the City later in the week . I have to head to breakfast now … . so later today I 'll post with the rest of the city , the our 45 minute drive through the countryside , the children 's home , and most importantly - - - the very , very special person who came on the ride to the airport to meet us ! ! ! ! ! I have to come up with a new blog name for him , because Energy doesn 't fit his personality . I was considering calling him Heartache , because my heart aches when I think about him … . . or Heartstrings , because he has such a firm grasp on mine already . A few weeks ago , I was talking with Mango and asking her what in the world I was supposed to do with a little * boy * . She said that daughters can be kindred spirits , but that little boys have little male souls that you just fall in love with . She was totally right . I have , in a sense , totally fallen in love with our little guy . ( Oh , and Mango - - - that secret fear I confessed on the phone the other day ? Totally invalid . From the moment I saw his first smile , I would know him anywhere , in any group of children . He is absolutely and forever imprinted on my heart . ) It 's naptime . We 've just spent half of the day with Our Little Guy . Right now he 's laying on the bottom bunk making quiet noises until ( in theory ) he falls asleep . Sweetling is on the top bunk with the book Prince Caspian , reading in the little bit of light squeezing in between the window frame and the curtain . The Jedi is reading Dolphin Digest . He 's got elven blood , so he has that low - light vision going for him . So , we got off the plane , went through immigrations and customs , exchanged some money , and headed down the hall . The center where Our Little Guy has been living is run by a husband - wife team ( who I 'll call Mr and Mrs D ) . Mr D was supposed to meet us at the airport . They got hung up in traffic , so weren 't immediately present . We went through the lobby , looking for them , and out to the main drop - off / pick - up curb to wait ( and to turn down several offers for a taxi ) . In just a few minutes , we were approached by a smiling , tawny - haired woman who identified herself as Mrs D . She might have said many other welcoming things … but I don 't remember any of them . All I heard was that " someone special " was waiting for us in the van . I didn 't know where the van was , but I was ready to step off the curb and head out into the triple lane of semi - parked traffic to find it . We got to the van , loaded luggage into the back , and then they opened the door . Sweetling and the Jedi climbed in first , and I got to sit on the bench near Our Little Guy . Two other little boys , that Mr and Mrs D are adopting , were also in the van for the ride . We smiled at Our Little Guy and he smiled at us , and my heart just melted . I vaguely remember reaching out to clasp his hand and he curled his fingers around mine . You know , I had been trying to prepare myself for a long period of adjustment , and I know that there will still be one . But , emotionally , I was prepared for Our Little Guy not to know or like us yet … and for us to not know him enough to love him personally . I was prepared , or I was trying to prepare myself , for the bonding to not happen right away . But it did . Oh for me it did . We drove … ok , I need to pause and describe Guatemalan traffic . I 'd say crazy , but that isn 't exactly right . Chaotic , but in a very laid - back way , is a better identification for Guatemalan traffic . There were three to four lanes of traffic on the main road . I say three to four , because the ' lanes ' were pretty fluid and dynamic . Traffic was pretty much bumper to bumper , and was moving along at a good pace . Cars , vans , mini - buses , and weird looking little vehicles , were moving down the street weaving in and out and between each other rather arbitrarily . I don 't remember any traffic lights … but that might just be my memory … and I had much more important things that my focus was on . We drove and Mrs D gave us a more complete story of Our Little Guy 's birth father and his life . We stopped for lunch at pizza hut , which apparently doesn 't have enough tomato sauce on it to trigger Our Little Guy 's allergies . He held my hand going from the van to the restaurant . J From there , we drove 45 minutes through the country side . Mrs D says you either driving up a hill or driving down a hill all the time in Guatemala . We were on the Pan American highway for most of our drive . I had a little giggle time with Our Little Guy . We turned off the highway and onto a dirt road , which is the main road to the village near where the children 's home is . Mrs D explained that the fields had just been planted . We 're at the very beginning of the rainy season . Right now , the fields look like ours do after a harvest . There were lots of tan and gold . Many of the fields were filled with a grid pattern of twisting posts . Mrs D explained that they were supports for beans and other vine crops . She also said that later in the rainy season , everything is lush and green . The fields went up and down the hillsides as if the slopes weren 't even there . We drove through a corner of the village nearest the home . Many of the houses , that I could glimpse , were constructed out of dried cornstalks . All of them had tall fences surrounding the houses and the yard . Half of the fences were made out of tall sticks with something woven between their bases and their tops ( similar in construction to a bamboo fence , and nearly as dense . ) Other fences were made out of corrugated tin slabs held in place by stakes . We saw a few animals , chickens , pigs , in the yards . We passed a horse or a mule laiden down with chopped wood and a pick up truck with its bed full of chopped wood . Two young women in long skirts of the traditional clothing rode on top of the pick up 's load . Mrs D said that in the villages of the country side , most of the women still wore the more traditional clothing styles . The children 's home is located on 17 and a half acres of land that the D 's purchased a few years ago . ( The D 's have lived and worked in Guatemala for 13 years now ) . It 's a complex of buildings constructed in stages over the last couple of years . The main house has two levels . The downstairs is a facility for older boys . The upstairs is the D 's residence . A second building is the team house , where we are now staying . It has a main kitchen / dining room and two large rooms on each side , each with an adjoining bathroom . Groups of college students or church work groups come down from the states in the summer and stay in the team house , so its meant to house many people at a time . The third building is another two story building . The ground floor is devoted to children who are HIV positive . The second story is for younger children , many of whom will go into an adoption program . A staff of nurses and nannies help care for all the children . I have not yet asked how many children are currently here … but I think that this is a fluid number anyway . ( The Jedi tells me that there are 30 children . ) Also on the complex is a fenced playground for the younger children , which was funded through Sunday school donations from three separate churches . The complex , like everything else I 've seen so far in Guatemala , sits on the side of a hill , so a lot of terracing and retaining walls has been put in . The building of the playground required bringing in a tractor to level and move dirt as well as the pouring of cement for the concrete retaining walls . Further up on the hill , a basket ball court for the older boys occupies an unusually flat space near the top of the rise . A large , large vegetable garden fills most of the gentle slope between the basketball court and the playground . When we pulled up , a team of older boys was out with shovels and pick axes finishing a ditch for a new waterline . The center 's newest upgrade has been the installation of a large water tower , also made possible by donations . The tower chlorinates the water , so we 've been blessed with drinkable water and functioning plumbing during our stay here . ( The Jedi spent some of his evening last night helping to get the waterpipe laid down , the joints sealed , and the thing hooked up . We had water when we woke up this morning . ) The shower head in our bathroom is electric , and it heats the water as its passing through the shower head . I 'm going to be trying that out this evening . We got introduced to the older boys , and Mr . D jumped down into the trench to help them . We went up to the main house with Mrs D to play with Our Little Guy in the room where he 's been living . The playtime went really well . It helped that one of the little boys the D 's are adopting was there and played with us as well . He was very outgoing and talkative , and I think that made the games easier for Our Little Guy to join in . Sweetling , meantime , really wanted to go play on the playground . The smaller children were out having their afternoon playtime , and Mrs D said she could go join them . One of the nannies was out supervising . So Sweetling ran off to go play . Our Little Guy is adorable . He has the best smile and the cutest giggle ever . We looked at books a little … and he loved any picture that had water in it . ( By the way , I was very clearly informed , by one of the other little boys in the van , that Our Little Guy likes Nemo . Out of the blue , his friend decided that this was the most important information for his new Mommy to know ) . Now , we had been introduced to Our Little Guy as Mommy and Daddy , and I had referred to myself as Mommy a few times ( " Can Mommy help you put on your shoes ? Hold Mommy 's hand . Would you like Mommy to pick you up to reach a book ? " ) Still , when the Jedi started a tickle war , I was both thrilled and surprised when Our Little Guy started calling out " Mommy , Mommy ! " Mommy , of course , saved the little giggling one , at which point he would run back to the Jedi to be tickled , so that he could yell for Mommy and get rescued again . After we had thoroughly wound the little boys up , Mrs D suggested we get our luggage moved to the team house and get settled in while she gave the boys a bath and got them ready for dinner . The Jedi lugged both the Big Honking suitcase as well as one of the other suitcases from the van , down a hill , over the ditch , and down a concrete flight of stairs . I put Sweetlings backpack on her , slug my back pack over my arm , and picked up the last suitcase . Mrs D grabbed Jedi 's briefcase and went to go unlock the team house for us . I got around the corner of the van and down the hill and stepped across the trench , then one of the older boys materialized to take the suitcase from me and carry it for me . I happily accepted his help . After dinner , everyone was exhausted . ( Well , everyone was exhausted well before dinner , actually ) . Sweetling was tired , the boys had missed their afternoon nap , the Jedi had been up since 10pm local time , and had only gotten a few hours asleep on the two nights prior to that . Even I was starting to come down off my adrenaline rush . So after dinner , we headed back to the team house to tuck Susan in . ( Oh , I almost forgot , Our Little Guy showed up for dinner in jammies and a superhero cape ) . We tucked Susan in , and of course , someone had to stay with her . I selflessly volunteered for that role . So , I brushed my teeth and hair and went to bed while the exhausted Jedi went out to dig trenches and lay and seal a pipe line . I don 't know when the Jedi got to bed ( cause I was so soundly asleep . ) After breakfast this morning , we brought Our Little Guy back to the team house with us for some family time with just us . We gave him his stuffed Nemo from Nana and Bapa , which he dearly loved . Sweetling gave him a birthday card from her to him . He loved both the card and the sticker covered envelope . I had brought a folding fabric frisbee , which I got out for us to play with together . At first , Our Little Guy didn 't move . The Jedi and Sweetling tossed the frisbee back and forth , and Our Little Guy watched and laughed . Then the Jedi tossed the frisbee to Our Little Guy , who giggled and was delighted . He was sitting cross - legged on the floor , and he threw the frisbee back from his self - appointed seat . We included him in the frisbee game like that for a while . I was sitting near him , and I one point , I stood up and asked him if he wanted to stand up and play . He shook his head no , and looked fearful for a moment , so I sat back down near him and said that was ok . And we played like that for a while . On one of the passes to him , the frisbee came near him , but landed a little ways away from him . Previously , I had been retrieving it and giving it to him , but this time I said it was ok , he should go get it . So he crawled across the floor to get the frisbee , crawled back , sat down , and threw the frisbee . Ok , at least now he was moving . He was still giggling and smiling , and having a great time , he was just a little uncertain about these new people . ( Yesterday was so long ago , you see ) . But crawling soon turned into standing and running and playing . As he seemed more comfortable , I got a little bit of video during our game . We played with a bouncy ball , we colored , we showed him his bed . We tucked Nemo in on his bed . We had a tickle session . ( The bed was base ) . Sweetling turned her bunk into a castle , and Speckle and Smudge and Blue were the brave knights who defended her . He tried to put his bouncy ball in the pouch that the folded frizbee goes into , so I got him a large ziplock bag and wrote his name on it ( first , middle , and last ) in large letters with a permanent marker . He loved this . He put his ball , his card , and his envelope in his bag and tucked it into a corner of his bed between his pillow and the post of the bunk bed . We had snack . We had a potty break ( during which I heard the toilet paper roll spinning around many , many , many more times than it should . ) Mommy rerolled the toilet paper and we washed hands . We had more tickling time . Our Little Guy was a dragon and chased Sweetling around the room . I got some more video . We played the Mommy save me game . We played the Sweetling save me game . We saved Sweetling from the Daddy tickler . We tumbled off the side of the bed and hit the floor * hard * . We weren 't phased by this because we are made of boy stuff . We accidentally cracked heads with Sweetling . We weren 't phased by this either , but we were really , really worried when Sweetling started crying . Sweetling got comforted by Mommy and Our Little Guy got comforted by Daddy . Then Sweetling gave him a hug and it was all better . Its now 3pm . Our Little Guy has been sound asleep for quite some time . The Jedi is also asleep . Sweetling is in the other room playing a make - believe game by herself . Mrs D told me she usually wakes the boys after an hour of sound sleep . But , she said , lately they 've been sleeping longer in the afternoon . They are getting over colds , and have needed the extra rest . So , here I am in the time old mother 's question … should I wake him now ? Or let him sleep ? If I wake him , will he be tired and cranky the rest of the afternoon ? If I don 't wake him , will he be able to sleep tonight ? And , when he does wake up , what will we do this afternoon ? Its three hours from now till dinner . That 's a lot of time to fill in a large , pretty bare room with only a few toys . Maybe we 'll play hide and seek J . Its raining outside , so we have to do indoor things . I am really looking forward to taking him swimming . If I take a picture of him all curled up on his bunk , will the flash wake him ? Two more notes … Guatemala is on the San Andreas fault line . Apparently there is an active volcano that 's visible from where we are on a clear day . You can see it steam and hear it let off gases and such . The Jedi says that he thinks he heard it this morning . ( We woke up just before 5am local time . We got dressed and ready for the day , and the Jedi went out to see if Mr D needed any more help on the water line project . The D 's weren 't up yet , so the Jedi stayed out and played with the two labs that live on the property . ) Second , the rain this afternoon started when I was writing this . It had been sprinkling since just before lunch , but as I was writing , there was this loud hammering on the roof . The Jedi and I went to the large bank of windows in the great room . It was a genuine torrential downpour going on outside . We got Sweetling to come see , but she wasn 't that interested and quickly returned to her book . Mr D said that during the rainy season , the kids pick large mushrooms that they use in spaghetti sauce . He says they don 't put any meat in the sauce then , the mushrooms are hefty enough on their own . I 'm all done adding the tag " local time " . We 're in Guatemala , all the time references are Guatemala time . You are all bright enough to remember that . Trying to blog at any time other than nap time was a pointless endeavor . Little Guy has been asleep for about an hour and a half now , but the Jedi was up at the main house working on Mr D 's computer , and he had the laptop with him . I don 't know how long I have till Little Guy wakes up . He loves to draw . We brought a doodle pad and a clip and color with us . He 's about filled the doodle pad in just a couple of days . I think we might be going through a doodle pad a week . Now granted , many of the pages are full of delighted scribbles , and I think once the novelty of being allowed to do nothing but scribble wears off , he 'll probably slow down in his consumption of paper . ( The children 's home has coloring books and crayons . I like both of those things … coloring within lines is a nice way to develop fine motor control and to exercise the muscles needed for writing later . But there 's another type of value to be had in just drawing and scribbling and making your own marks on totally blank paper . ) I also think that markers might not be something he 's used to being allowed free access to . He is thrilled with the markers . When he first used them , he got a little on his hand , and he held up his hand and pointed to show me . I told him that this was all right , this sort of thing happened , and we 'd wash his hands later . Since then I 've had to remind him not to draw on his hands just twice . He 's pretty interested in the fact that the marker will write on his hand , then wash off . He also likes to keep his things in a certain order . When he opens his clip and color - - - ok , pause and let me explain this . His clip and color is a flat blue case with a clipboard on one side . It opens up and has a plastic tray inside that stores markers , crayons , and colored pencils . So , when Little Guy opens his clip and color , which he can do all by himself , sometimes the crayons pop out of their tray . They don 't come out of the clip and color , they just come out of their little crayon slots . Eswin very carefully lines his crayons back up in their slots before he begins coloring . When he 's finished , he puts away all his materials and closes his clip and tray without being asked . He also really likes having his own things and is even pleased with the gallon Ziploc bag to keep them in . He puts all his stuff ( except the big Nemo ) , back in his bag . Sometimes he just sits there , takes his things out , and puts them back in again . ( Now , the children 's home has plenty of books and toys , so please don 't be under the impression that he has been lacking for play things and for stimulation . ) I think what fascinates him right now is that these are HIS things . He has * ownership * over them . I was a little concerned , and had told Sweetling , that it might take Our Little Guy a little while to understand the concept of his things and her things , because we thought all the children 's home toys are communal . But he has picked up immediately on this concept . He takes care of his things , he has respected Sweetling 's things , and he is still very good at sharing what there is only one of . We played Bed Dragon this morning . This game started because when Little Guy woke up , he was feeling a little insecure in the strange environment . We had established his bed as a ' safe place ' through our play yesterday . He got up to use the bathroom , but then went right back on his bed and sat there . Sweetling and the Jedi had been up for a while , and Sweetling decided to get out her ball and bounce it . Little Guy wasn 't really ready to leave the safe zone of his bed yet , but he seemed like he wanted to play . He got out his ball and played fetch with Sweetling for a while , throwing his ball off the bed , and giggling when Sweetling brought it back to him . A couple of times , the ball rolled towards my bed , and I would lean over to keep it from rolling under the bed . I rolled it back to Sweetling , who took it to Little Guy , who giggled . Once , I stopped it with my foot . Little Guy giggled and giggled , and jumped out of his bed to run across the room and retrieve his ball from under my feet . Then he ran back to his bed , squealing . Bed Dragon was born shortly after that and we made a game of Little Guy bouncing his ball to me , me holding it and roaring , and him running to retrieve it and then running back . After that , he seemed to be a lot more comfortable . ( Sweetling gave the game its name , and fed the bed dragon imaginary bed balls when the bed dragon 's captured ball was reclaimed . ) We had breakfast on our own today , then went up to the main house for lunch . After lunch , it was naptime . I was going to bring Sweetling and Little Guy back to the team house for Little Guy 's nap , and the Jedi was going to remain at the main house to work on Mr D 's computer . Sweetling and Little Guy and I went out the door and sat on the stoop to put our muddy shoes back on . Little Guy got his shoes on , stood up , and held my hand and Sweetling held my other hand . We went down one step , and Little Guy turned around and asked for Daddy . I told him that Daddy wasn 't coming now . He would be down later . Little Guy immediately sat down and pronounced " wait for Daddy . " I repeated that Daddy was coming later . Little Guy didn 't budge but responded " I wait for Daddy . " We compromised by going back in and getting a hug from Daddy , with the reassurance that Daddy would definitely come down in just a little bit . Little Guy is also enamored of Sweetling . He watches what she does , and tries his best to copy it . I had bought little 88 cent bags of plastic dinosaurs , one for each of them , for the return plane ride . But this morning before lunch , I decided to go ahead and get them out now . ( Once again , Little Guy was delighted to have his name written on the bag and the first letter of his name put on the foot of each dinosaur . ) Sweetling and Little Guy each sat down on the floor to play with their dinosaurs . Sweetling asked me which ones were the meat eaters . She held up ones she was uncertain of for me to maybe categorize them . Little Guy immediately held his up to me as well . I wasn 't too sure what some of Sweetling 's were , so I sent her to the Jedi . Little Guy immediately started bringing his over to the Jedi to be named as well . Sweetling put her dinosaurs in a circle . Little Guy put his dinosaurs in a circle . Sweetling put her dinosaurs in a line , Little Guy put his in a line . He loves watching Sweetling and then trying to do what she does . Sweetling , by the way , is a fantastic big sister . She has been very patient and understanding . And she 's been enduring a lot of change and abnormalities … from powdered milk to strange electric showers in cold bathrooms . I 've just been really impressed with her ability to go beyond just coping … but to cope while maintaining a pleasant attitude AND while doing everything she can to make Little Guy feel welcome and secure . She 's been amazing . Lastly , Our Little Guy likes to be carried . He likes to be tickled and hugged and snuggled . He likes to be near us ( even if he 's still a little uncertain when he first wakes up ) . After the children ( oooo … . the * children * ) had been playing with their dinosaurs for a while , and Sweetling had lost interest and was ready to move on , we asked them if they wanted to go outside to the playground . Little Guy was on the bed with me , dumping his dinosaurs into my hand , then holding his bag open for me to pour them back in , and repeating . We asked Little Guy if he wanted to go to the playground . He looked up at me and said " with you . " That was what was most important to the Little Guy . Playgrounds were fine , as long as it was " with you . " ( The plastic bag of dinosaurs also came along . ) I 've been awake since 3 : 30am ( once again , all the times are local times … and Guatemala is two hours later than Cincy ) . I laid there ; trying to fall asleep for 45 minutes , then gave up and decided to blog about yesterday . Right now , we 're in the Marriott in Guatemala City . The Jedi is asleep ( or at least dozing in and out . ) Sweetling is asleep next to Little Guy . Little Guy is asleep with his feet on Sweetling 's pillow and his head where his feet should be . Yesterday , after breakfast , the Jedi was lying on the bed with a child on either side of him . The game was , each child grabbed an arm and tried to hold it down while the Jedi raised his arm . This game was great fun . I knew what a difficult day it might be for the D 's to say goodbye to Little Guy and for Little Guy to leave the D 's … though I wasn 't sure if Little Guy would grasp that he was leaving the D 's permanently . Regardless , the day loomed before me with all its repercussions . I stepped out onto the back porch to pray alone . I leaned against the railing , looking at the distant mountains visible between the tall pine trees and prayed . Close to tears , I found myself repeating a Phillipians verse over and over again . " Do not be anxious for anything , but in everything , through prayers and petitions and with thanksgiving , present your requests to the Lord , and the peace of God , which transcends all understanding , will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus . " Then there was a tapping on the window behind me , and Little Guy was peering out . I opened the door and invited Little Guy out . We walked up and down the elevated porch that ran the length of the team house identifying pine needles , seeds , dead beetles , caddy flies in spiderwebs , bird droppings and other lovely things . I thought he might have great fun pushing all these things around with a broom and maybe knocking them off the edge of the porch . He did have great fun sweeping with a broom , but the railing of the porch had a bottom horizontal rail that was hindering the sweeping off part . So I grabbed a dustpan and we swept things into the dustpan and dumped that over the top of the rail . This was even better , because we discovered the seeds had ' wings ' on them and would helicopter down like a maple seed … and if the wind caught them they would fly away . This was absolutely wonderful and a great delight . " Fly fly ! " he cried and " Again , again ! " When it was time to leave , he said goodbye to Mrs D and to the two little boys he had been rooming with . He was all right with that … though he looked really troubled as Mr D was driving us away . ( I learned later that Mrs D had cried herself to sleep the night before . The D 's have been caring for Little Guy since he was 10 months old and Little Guy 's birth father was also a boy that they had taken in and raised in their home when he was younger . ) We went to Antigua for a few hours of shopping and sight seeing . Antigua sits near an active volcano called " Agua " … because it often holds a lake near its top . ( Some time ago , one side of the lake gave way and there was a massive mud slide that took out part of Antigua . I 'm not sure if there is still a lake there , or if the lake was lost after that . ) The roads in the historic section of Antigua ( which is where we went ) are the original cobblestones laid down in the 1700 's . Mr . D said any new construction in that district had to comply with the Spanish architectural style of the 1700 's so that it blended in with the rest of the district . Also , any new construction or any remodeling on existing construction , was not allowed to look too " new " . It all had to blend in with the existing dated architecture . And the effect was wonderful . Quaint little shops lined the street right across from the ruins of an original Spanish monastery , damaged by an earthquake in 1776 . Many of the houses and shops were organized around a central courtyard filled with lush plants ( we would catch glimpses of the courtyards through large open arches on the streets . ) The stucco buildings of the shops and homes were all in a rich , earth tone palette of terracotta , goldenrod , tans , browns , and muted greens and blues . It was just beautiful . Mr D told us about all of this as we were walking through the streets to the central park . There was some business he needed to do at the bank , but he invited us to hang out in the park near the fountain or to go into the cathedral that formed one side of the plaza . We walked through the wonderful park ( shady paths of original stone flanked by lush trees in islands of green , lined with many benches full of chatting people ) . Little Guy stared at the fountain for a while , but the fountain was in the center of the park , away from the cool shelter of the trees , and it was a really bright , sunny , hot morning . So we went into the cathedral , because I really wanted to see it . As we were heading up the steps of the cathedral ( whose front held niches filled with the original life sized statues of the saints ) , Little Guy noticed that Mr D was not with us . His eyes filled up with tears and he began making soft , quiet little crying sounds . The cathedral is still in use as a place of worship , and had several people throughout its interior sitting and praying , meditating , or just resting on its pews . We sat down on a pew in its cool interior where a breeze was coming in through the large open doors . I held Little Guy and comforted him , promising that Mr D was going to be right back , everything was ok , and Mommy loved him . He calmed down a little bit . Sweetling wanted to go back to the park , and I asked Little Guy if he wanted to go back to the fountain . He nodded his head . So out we went again . Sweetling and the Jedi sat a bench in the shade , and Little Guy and I sat at the edge of the fountain . ( which wasn 't a wide edge designed for sitting , but a curb and I low wrought iron fence with an edging of greenery between the fence and the fountain wall ) . I perched on the curb and Little Guy sat on my lap and watched the fountain for a while . When my feet started falling asleep , I asked Little Guy if he would walk around the fountain . He nodded . We stood up , but then I learned that Little Guy really wanted to walk * in * the fountain . I told him that we couldn 't do that , and showed him the fence , but suggested a second smaller fountain I had seen on the way through the park where he could reach the water . So we headed , with the Jedi and Sweetling , towards another fountain . And we found lots of pale indigo flower petals on the cobblestones near the fountain that would float . And then we found leaves … some of which would float . And then we found sticks . And we found a dog dropping , but Mommy told us that it wasn 't a stick . And we disinfected hands . And we had a great time finding lots of little things and throwing them in the fountain to see if they would float . And we didn 't even take much nThen we all headed to the market to shop . ( On the way , we stopped at Pollo something for lunch . Mr D had us order and talk with the servers to practice our pitiful Spanish skills . He chatted with them fluently and explained that we were trying to learn Spanish . They seemed greatly entertained by us . ) I had a great time at the market , and spent nearly all of our quetzals and some of our American dollars ( which the vendors were happy to take from us ) . I am not a good bargainer . In fact , I didn 't even try . Mr D would jump in and rescue me when he knew that I was about to pay way too much for something . He also told me that , at the market , where one is supposed to be price haggling , stopping at a stall and saying " ooooooo " was NOT the way to start . The Jedi bought a large Guatemalan flag for our church 's sanctuary and a small Guatemalan flag for the wall of Sweetling 's room . Little Guy has a new backpack , a stuffed animal friend , and three little terra cotta turtles . ( He also has a neat cross for the wall of his bedroom , but he 's not that interested in that . ) Sweetling has two pieces of jade to give to her two best friends that were mined from an ancient Mayan quarry and have traditionally been given as token of friendship ( meant to bring good fortune to both the giver and receiver when given in true friendship ) . She also has an elephant ( there were a lot of stuffed animals made in the bright , colorful weavings that Guatemala is famous for ) , a ceramic strawberry , and a handbag . I have a set of placemats . ( I was walking along the market , telling the Jedi that I wanted placemats , when a vendor heard me and popped out saying " Placemats ? Here Senora . " ) I also have a cool shoulder bag . When we got to the hotel , Mr D was dropping us off . Staff materialized with an umbrella to escort me and the children to under the awning . More staff materialized with a luggage cart to load up our suitcases . There is no such thing as self service in Guatemala . The gas stations are swarming with attendants … like two for every pump . The Pollo restaurant , which in the states would be a fast food , order it at the counter and take it to your seat , was a sit down and let us take your order . The Jedi was very careful when we were at the market to keep quetzals in smaller bills for tipping hotel staff when we arrived . Mr D dropped us off , and he said goodbye to the Little Guy in my arms . He gave the Little Guy a kiss , and had the Little Guy give him a kiss . As he walked back to his van , Little Guy just looked stricken . We headed into the hotel lobby , and there the crying began in earnest . Mommy rocked and walked and comforted and kissed and reassured , but I understood and I sympathized and the tears were running down my cheeks too . ( Little Guy had his face buried in my shoulder , so he didn 't see that ) . Little Guy cried all the way up to our room . Now , if I hadn 't spent the last few days with Little Guy so that I already knew him pretty well … I would never ever , ever had suggested to any other little boy who needed consoled that he could have a bath . But to Little Guy I said , " Would you like to play in the water in the tub ? " Little Guy stopped sobbing and nodded . I carried him into the bathroom where he wanted down . ( The Jedi tipped the bellhop and settled the suitcases in and helped the Sweetling settle in ) . Little Guy got down , and began undressing . I closed the bathroom door . For the next hour , Little Guy had water fun in the bathroom . I ran a regular bath , then we drained that and ran a bubble bath , then we drained that and ran water from the faucet to play under , then we put the stopper back in and filled the tub , then we drained that and ran the shower to play under , then we put the stopper back in and filled the tub . The dinosaurs came in and became Nemo characters . The dinosaurs played " going over a waterfall " … ( which is a great game usually played on the edge of a bed . ) We got out of the tub , got dried off , got lotionned , and put swim trunks on . After the bath play time , everything was all right again . We did in fact , head to the pool after snack time . More on that later . Its now 5 : 45 … and I need to get a shower to get ready for our embassy appointment this morning . Now I know swimming isn 't a spiritual gift , but let me tell you what a little fish Our Little Guy is . Mind you , he does love water , but the most water he had ever been in up to this time was a bathtub . Nevertheless , within a few minutes of being in the pool yesterday , he was nearly swimming on his own . We put Sweetling 's old " Safe T . Seal " floater on him , but that seemed to just unbalance him and he kept flipping over . ( The safe t seal is two buoyant pads that are held by lacing around the torso , one pad is held on the chest and stomach and one on the back . Little Guy was trying to swim horizontally in the water , and the buoyant one on his belly kept trying to turn him sideways . I think the device was meant more for floating upright and less for swimming . ) Since the Safe T . Seal was pretty much the opposite of helpful , we took it off . After that Little Guy would go paddling around with just a hand under his belly helping to keep him above the water line . Not that he had any fear of going under the water . Oh no . Little Guy loves to go under the water . He especially liked floating face down on the surface of the water , which he would do while only holding on to a hand . Then he 'd raise his face up and paddle when he needed air . We had two extremely minor tests of wills today , both right before nap when it was just Little Guy and me in the room . Little Guy was playing with his tiny turtles . I told him to keep them on the table so that they wouldn 't get lost . I looked back down at whatever I was doodling with , and he popped from the table to the bed and said " I didn 't keep them at the table . " Sure enough , there he was with the turtles in his hand , sitting on the bed , informing me that he hadn 't followed my direction . I repeated that the turtles had to stay on the table so that they didn 't get lost , and added that if the turtles got taken off the table , Mommy was going to take the turtles away . He said " ok " and scampered with the turtles back to the table . A few minutes later , after we had brushed teeth , he sat down outside the bathroom and said " no " when I said it was time for nap . I said , " yes " and reached down and took his arm . He stood up and went to the bed , and we tucked in for nap . Like I said , little tests . Just like sticking one 's toe in the water of a pool to see what the temperature is . Little Guy stuck his toe into the boundaries to see how much wiggle room he might have . The Jedi and Little Guy are both asleep . I 'm just now feeling the effects of being up at 3 : 30 , going to the embassy and sitting in a waiting room for two hours , then going swimming for another hour or so . Sweetling and I explored the hotel for a while , but we think we 've discovered everything of interest here . The executive lounge upstairs is supposed to have board games … . but I think that consists of a chess set displayed on a shelf . It has a tv , which is constantly tuned to a Spanish news channel . Really , now that the embassy appointment is over , I 'm ready to go home . We had been so careful to drink only bottled or purified water , to select carefully what we ate , to wash and disinfect hands . But Wednesday night , in the immortal words of Bill Cosby , I would not have been surprised if my shoes came out through my mouth and landed in the toilet bowl . I was miserably wretchedly stomach sick , a fate which was very closely followed by being miserably , wretchedly sick at my other end as well . A couple hours after I started vomiting , the Jedi was struck down as well . I say " struck down " , and you all are thinking it 's just me being melodramatic . No . No . Would that this were the case . No . We were struck down . By Thursday afternoon , despite having two doses of antibiotic in my system to counteract Montezuma 's infamous bacteria , I was still flat on my back in bed , managing only to stumble into the bathroom every now and then . Ok , that wasn 't totally accurate . I wasn 't flat on my back . I was curled in a pitiful ball around a pillow cause the cramps hurt so much . That 's more accurate . I vaguely remember talking to Sweetling about needing to be a " Little Mother " and take care of her new little brother for the day . A task which she did admirably . The Jedi and I took turns riding the elevator two floors up with the kids at meals and snack times so that they could grab food from the perpetual snack bar in the Executive Lounge of the hotel . They lived on muffins , fruit , and nuts that day . Praise God , Sweetling never caught it . The thing would have hospitalized her . Little Guy had had really loose BM 's for a day or two prior to this . The Jedi and I thought it was a diet change , but now we wonder if maybe he didn 't have something that was really mild for him , but slammed us . We started both Sweetling and Little Guy on an antibiotic just in case . By Friday , the Jedi and I had progressed of the Pedialyte cocktails . ( The restaurants in Guatemala often serve their soft drinks in glass bottles . The Jedi commented that he had really wanted to bring home a glass 7 - up bottle , but instead , we were brining home Spanish Pedialyte bottles . ) Friday morning , everyone got baths and showers and we got packed up . Down in the lobby with all our suitcases , Little Guy began stating that he didn 't want to go . The Jedi and I started talking to him about his cool new house , with his very own room with fish all on the walls and his own bed with a Nemo blanket . It was the Nemo blanket that saved the morning . On the shuttle on the way to the airport , Little Guy told the couple sitting near us all about his new house and his Nemo blanket . He had a great time pulling luggage through the airport , and was back to being excited and happy . Then we had to check the luggage , and the tears started . We explained that the luggage was coming with us , it just had to ride in the bottom of the airplane and that we 'd get it back when we got off the airplane . But Little Guy was just putting up with too much change . For most of the 10 hours of travel time , Little Guy was emotionally fragile . He would be doing fine , he would be happy and excited , and then the next minute he would be sad . Sweetling , poor thing , got sick halfway through the first flight . I couldn 't get to her over Little Guy , and couldn 't find a motion sickness bag in time . The flight attendant brought us a ton of paper towels and we cleaned Sweetling up as best we could . For the rest of the 10 hour journey , she never did fully recover , but stayed dizzy and nauseous . and miserable . So , between Little Guy being really overwhelmed by everything , Sweetling being motion sick , and the Jedi and I just barely back on our feet , the return trip was a pretty terrible ordeal all around . ( Little Guy likes * looking * at airplanes , but not the long flights . He also likes escalators . And he loves sending his back pack through the x - ray machine . In fact , trying to keep him from darting back through the metal detector while clutching his backpack and squealing " again again " was the biggest security checkpoint issue we faced . At Houston , Little Guy was officially processed through immigration and is now classified as a permanent resident . We have to repeat , yes repeat , the adoption process in the Ohio courts and file for citizenship status for him . Also at Houston , Sweetling got to visit the " Space Explorer " gift shop and bring home two souvenirs from there . Those were pretty much the up points of our trip . ) Our Columbus hotel was right by the airport . We went swimming this morning , and our pool was practically next door to a runway . I thought this was cool . Little Guy took one look at the planes and pronounced " All done airplanes . " We assured him that we were all done with the airplanes . After he was reassured that we weren 't doing any more transcontinental journeys by air , he enjoyed watching the airplanes too . Nana and Bapa came down from Canton and met us around noon . Little Guy did really , really well with their visit and even greeted them by saying " Papa , Nana , Papa , Nana . " I was concerned that with his lack of sleep and the ordeal of yesterday that he wouldn 't react well to meeting new people . But that wasn 't the case at all . Bapa wore his hat with Little Guy 's picture on it , and Little Guy got a big kick out of that . We played in the pool for a little while longer . Little Guy and Sweetling both got to show off all the cool things they could do in the water . Back in the hotel room , as I was getting changed , I heard Nana reassure Sweetling that Sweetling was her * only * granddaughter . We went out to lunch , and Sweetling held Nana 's hand on the way into the restaurant and sat by Nana at the restaurant . By the end of lunch , Little Guy was about asleep sitting up in his chair . We said goodbye to Nana and Bapa , and began the drive back to Cincinnati . Sweetling napped on the back seat of the van for a little bit , and is now playing a game with Speckle . Little Guy is still napping on the middle seat of the van . He wasn 't really sure about the prospect of a car ride , so I 'm very , very glad he 's napped through most of this one . For more stories about our Little Guy ( who is eventually renamed on my blog as Toa of Boy , please click here . |
Crochet Tutorial : Knee - High Socks Posted on March 4 , 2016 by marybeth _ 1962 @ hotmail Sometimes I see a photo and consider what it would take to design something into a crochet pattern based on just that - a photo . That is what inspired these floral pastel knee - socks . I was sent the s … Crochet Tutorial : Knee - High Socks Posted on March 4 , 2016 by marybeth _ 1962 @ hotmail Sometimes I see a photo and consider what it would take to design something into a crochet pattern based on just that - a photo . That is what inspired these floral pastel knee - socks . I was sent the s … Married at 18 … Posted on January 14 , 2016 by marybeth _ 1962 @ hotmail Right out of high school , June 28 , 1980 , I married Dave . Your wedding day should be joyous . For the most part it was . Dave was sick with ulcerative colitis . He was diagnosed with this his senior year of high school . The night of our wedding rehearsal he was sick and could not make it through practice . A good friend of mine who we asked to be a usher had to fill in for Dave . He made it through the ceremony the next day , but was sick during the dance . I had no idea what ulcerative colitis was and was not in any way prepared for what the next 7 years would have in store for us . My dad , of course could not be included on our day because my mom would never allow it . He had another wedding for us in Racine the week after . I wore my dress and Dave wore his tux . It was in held in my Aunt Gracie 's backyard . My dad 's family and some of his friends attended . It was very nice . The morning of the get together , I had to fight with Dave because he would not get out of bed to get ready . Everything seemed like a struggle . From my mom dictating that Sara could not be at the wedding , Dave being sick , my flowers not being paid for prior to the wedding and me having to ask the owner of the flower shop if I could pay for them afterward , to my new husband who was really not too motivated in life . I was always nervous . Compared to when my own daughters got married , I tried to be involved as much as they would allow . We would go dress shopping , I made flowers , we made favors , doing invitations was a family affair . I had none of that . I was pretty much on my own . Looking back at life today , I struggled at most of life to make things happen . And then the struggle became my normal life . And taking care of everyone but myself . We lived in a trailer house after we were married and Dave worked for a moving company . We did ok at first . Then he lost his job . He got sick , lost his job and his way in life . We weren 't married for very long and then things just went downhill . We bought a newer trailer and we lost the trailer . We moved what seemed like every year or more . We moved to Rothschild and rented an apartment and lived off the system when he was sick . When he wasn 't sick he drove semi . Sara was about 3 and I became pregnant . I was excited to have another baby even though our situation wasn 't ideal . I was about 5 months along when I had a miscarriage . It was horrible . Dave was home at the time and he took me to the hospital . He brought me home later that night and the next day he went back on the road . There I was at home with Sara and felt just horrible . My mother wasn 't speaking to me for whatever reason again and I needed some help . I called Dave 's mom and dad and they came and got Sara and I and took us back to their house in Athens . I was so cold ! I remember sitting on the big heat register that was between the living room and dining room wrapped in a blanket just trying to get warm . Dave 's mom went to work that afternoon and I was still not feeling the best . I called Joan and she picked us up and we went to her house for the day . He house was so warm and finally so was I . I think just being at her house , which was my home back in high school , was all I needed . She would continue to love me as a daughter for many years , until she passed away in 2015 . After a couple days I started to feel much better . I decided to apply for a job in a factory in Medford and I got hired . We moved back to Athens and I went to work . Dave continued to be sick on and off . And when he wasn 't sick , he was driving semi for someone in Merrill . I became pregnant with our second daughter , Erin . Everything seemed good for awhile and then Dave got really sick . He ended up having surgery . They removed his large intestine and he came home with a temporary colostomy . He absolutely hated the fact that he had the colostomy bag . On top of all this I had a police officer visiting me looking for information about Dave and his employer . He was being accused of embezzlement and I was pissed . I gave the officer his briefcase and Dave was mad that I did . This officer would call me at work to talk to me . He was actually very nice and I had no idea what Dave did on the road . Dave was actually arrested in his hospital bed and I could not visit him . I was so mad that I was afraid if I did visit I would pull every drain tube from his body . I was beside myself . I was totally lost . I had no direction . I was confused , scared , and alone . He came home and I had to help him with the colostomy bag , why I do not know . I continued to work fulltime , take care of Sara , kept an immaculate house , and again put myself last . Once the colostomy bag came off , he got an infection and they had to open the site and it had to heal from the inside out . This meant it needed to be packed everyday and yes I did that as well . And then we had to move ! I was as big as a house and we had to move . All I could find to rent was an old apartment above the hardware store . It was huge , three bedrooms , but it needed a cleaning . My mother did help me get it cleaned . We hired movers from the moving company Dave worked at earlier , as there were probably 20 steps to climb . Neither of us could do it , him just having surgery and me ready to pop any day . But we made the apartment home and this is here Erin was born . Dave continued to be sick but worked here and there . He went to trial for embezzlement and I had to be a witness . He was found guilty because of the way he took the money . But in the end it was proven that they actually owed him 80 bucks . It was exhausting ! It was stressful , and I was done ! We moved a few more times because of all this . I had had enough and I started getting a social life . I would throw darts and shoot pool as a sub . I sucked at both but I still went and had one heck of a time . Dave went his way and I went my way . When we were home all we did was argue . Things just fell apart , I did not trust him , and it was over . I started seeing a guy that I dated a long time ago , before Dave . We would meet up and I thought the dude cared about me . I thought wrong . But worse ! I got pregnant . All I could do was cry . And then I shut down . The same way I did when I was a kid living at home living with my mom and the pervert . I told Dave I was pregnant , and just that . I continued to work , stayed home all the time again , and just existed . I know Dave knew that this was not his baby but I never said a word . No one cared anyway is what I thought . And because no one cared , I knew I had to make it on my own . I just turned all feelings off . And the other guy ? Well he knew and never ever bothered to call , to see if I was ok , nothing . But that was ok because you see , no one ever did anyway . I guess I didn 't matter . My third daughter , Casey was born in October . I had her via C - section , like her sisters . Dave was in the hospital for six weeks and was still in the hospital when I had her . He watched through the delivery room doors as she was born . He accepted her as his own , no questions asked . Her sisters had lots of brown hair and she was a toe head ! Blonde as can be , but beautiful . Dave was discharged the day before me and the baby . He was still very sick and was almost airlifted to Mayo . The day after I came home , Dave and I and his parents drove to Mayo . Joan 's daughter kept the girls , all three of them . And we made the journey to Mayo for yet another surgery . Dave came out of surgery as well as expected . Again we needed to move ! ! So Joan 's daughter and her family had my girls , PLUS they moved me from our house to the new house . I came home to a new baby , a house full of boxes , and I had just had a C - section a week prior . My mother and my brother did come out to the new house and helped me get some what settled . Dave was still in the hospital and would not be back home for another week . Once he was home and healed he was back on the road . I did not return to work . I stayed home with the girls . I was in no way happy over the fact that he went back to driving a semi after the court issue . He would be gone for four to six weeks . He would come home only to argue , shower and leave . He was into things on the road that he should not have been into . One day he came into town , parked his semi and I pulled up behind him . I asked him just what the hell he thought he was doing and that 's when he threw a bag of cocaine at me . That was the end . I was more than done and we separated . I am not perfect . But my kids came first , I have zero tolerance for drugs , and I was not raising these girls with that life style . Dave was not around for a long time . He would see the girls intermittingly through out the years . After Sara married , and some years after , Dave came back to the area and later lived with Sara 's family . I was remarried to Geno by now and we had seen Dave at family functions for the grand kids . At first I was uncomfortable with this and actually a bit mad because how was I going to just stop in by Sara on a whim to see those grandkids ? After awhile I was ok with it . Geno and Dave would talk about stuff and occasionally I joined in . No way in hell would my kids ever feel the stress I used to feel as a kid growing up . There was no reason we could not be in the same room and get along . And we did . About 6 months before Dave passed away , he told me that he took full responsibility for what went wrong in our marriage . Now I didn 't know he was that sick at the time but I believe he knew . I stood by my three beautiful daughters the last six months of his life . I held his hand and he looked at me and said my name . Casey played classic rock from her IPhone as it laid on his pillow . Erin barely left that room . The three of them handled some tough decisions and Geno and I backed them all the way . He died with his sister in the room with him because I told the girls he would not leave this world with any of them in the room . They went home to shower and catch a nap and they got the call . His battle was over and he was free from illness and pain . I stood back and looked at those three girls and I beamed with pride because they handled this with grace and love and most of all respect . Geno and I are proud that we could be a part of this circle of life . We were allowed to stand by them , support them and close that circle without question . My Dad , My Best Friend Posted on January 10 , 2016 by marybeth _ 1962 @ hotmail My dad is my everything . We have a very close relationship . He lives in my hometown of Racine , about four hours from here . We talk a few times a week and our conversation is usually about what we made for supper , good movies to watch , and how Geno and the kids are doing . He is a full blooded Sicilian who loves to cook and is one of the best cooks I know . He has a wonderful sense of humor and all the grandkids , including my own love him . He loves to shop and is known to go shopping once a day . He is a vain man who likes to look nice . At one time I think he had three closets full of clothes . I remember him getting ready to go out , looking in the mirror , singing " Do ya , Do ya , Do ya wanna dance and hold my hand baby " lol . He is known by many and loved by all . My earliest memory of him is when we lived across the street from his parents . He was doing his hair in the bathroom , slicking it back like some cool dude . I was probably three . I also remember laying on the living room floor with my dad , watching TV and eating chips and dip and drinking Pepsi in a glass bottle . My parents divorced when I was seven years old . I had learned that my mom made it almost impossible for him to see us . Later in life , as I observed his dedication to his family , I am sure it was true . He most certainly would have been there . After my mom and step dad moved us up north we rarely saw my dad . Then one day is was brought to our attention that our step dad wanted to adopt us . And he did . Our last name changed and we wouldn 't see our dad for years . We were the talk of our school for awhile because no one there had ever known someone at our age to be adopted . I am not sure that any of us kids could tell you how we felt that day . It was just another evil act from our mother to be rid of our father . We never got to see him or the rest of our family that we were so close to anymore . Except a cousin on my dads side of the family that my mother stayed close to for awhile . I am sure for information about him . And my dads godparents who stopped in once or twice to see us . Later as an adult I realized that my mom sent our school pictures home with them so that they could give them to my grandparents . I saw a picture of my Nana opening the box with the school pictures in it . Why ? Why would my mom do this ? If we were not allowed to have contact with our family , then how come she could ? How manipulative and ill minded . One day when I was living with Joan , I was washing the kitchen floor and the phone rang . I answered the phone and it was my brother . He never called me . He called to tell me that dad had called . And I was like , " So , what did he want ? " My brother said , " No , our real dad called . He had heard that you were having some problems and that you had Sara and wanted to talk to you and see how you were . " I said " Oh my God . Mom would kill me . What should I do ? " My brother gave me our dads phone number and said " what 's it gonna hurt if you call him . " And so I did . It was in July of 1979 . Sara was 6 months old . Dave and I and Sara traveled to Wausau to the Holiday Inn where I would see my dad for the first time in quite a few years . I was so nervous . I knew my mom would absolutely kill me if she knew that I was seeing my dad . When we got to the Holiday Inn , there he was . A handsome man with dark hair and sideburns . Dressed in a nice shirt and dress pants . With him was my Nana , one of my most favorite people in the world . My godmother , Aunt Gracie who would become one of my best friends . My Aunt Bea and I think my Aunt Angie was there too . I apologize if I left anyone out . There were tears , many tears as we said our first hello 's . There were gift 's for Sara galore , and one was a little brown teddy bear from my dad , that played " This Old Man , He Played One " . I still have this bear . He is a little wore out now but he still plays that song . We visited for a couple hours and then they all came back to Joan 's house on the farm to see where I was living . And I am sure to make sure I was in a good place . After the visit they had no doubt that I was ok there . Joan put on a spread of food that one of my aunts would talk about for years . Especially the cool whip salad that she made . Joan could cook , and when people were there she could make a meal to die for . After we ate by Joan , my Nana gave Sara her bath . I remember her talking in Italian to her as she poured the baby powder on her . Nana loved babies . And I loved my Nana . After a bit , they all loaded up and went back home . The feeling I had seeing my dad that day has never left me . I still get all excited to see him walk into my house . There were times that he would surprise us and come over unannounced . When he is here we plan the meals and it is not unusual for him to bring half his kitchen along . Even bread crumbs ! Because you know we live in an area that doesn 't have bread crumbs , lol ! Of course we travel to Marshfield , Wausau or Medford to the grocery store . Or to our local IGA . We sometimes stop for a beer at the local bar where he has gotten to know a few people throughout the years . And we like to go out to eat . Our visits are mainly about food . As we eat dinner he wants to know what we should make for breakfast . The kids just laugh at him . And we usually try to get my brother and sisters over to the house for a family get together . Sometimes it works out and sometimes not everyone can make it . Its all good … no pressure from anyone . I have a lot of history with my dad . Dave and I would visit him quite often . We would go out to eat . We would go out dancing which was a blast ! We would go to one of my aunts houses . Again to eat ! lol After I divorced Dave I would go to Racine to Dad 's probably once a month . I would pack up my girls and we would drive down for the weekend . These weekends included lots of food , movies , visiting with cousins and aunts and uncles . I would not trade these memories for anything . When I met Geno I was living in Racine and staying with my dad . Geno called me out of the blue and it was so awesome to hear from someone from home . Even though I was home , at my dads , my real home was back up north . Eventually I started traveling back up north just about every weekend to spend time with Geno . At the end of the week I would leave after work and travel to Fenwood . The kids and I would spend the weekend with Geno . Not long after , I got a job up north and I moved in with Geno . My dad liked him and was probably ready to pay him to get rid of us , lol . Geno and I were eventually married October 23 , 1993 and my dad gave me away . He cried and I just melted . He was so proud . Dad even stayed with the girls while Geno and I went on our honeymoon . When we got back the following week he was walking out as we walked in . He was ready to go back to his life , lol . He did great with the kids and I think they enjoyed having gramps take care of them . I had one huge pile of laundry when I got home , but dad had all his clothes washed and ready to go . It was actually funny . The spring before Geno and I were married my dad agreed to adopt all four of his kids back . It was the first adult adoption in Racine County and maybe even in the State . It was the most beautiful day . All four of us kids , our kids , and my dad went to the courthouse and we got our last name back and a new birth certificate . The judge was so nice . And then Geno took us all out to eat to celebrate the most healing moment that us four kids so deserved . Every moment I get to spend with my dad is a gift . His love is unconditional and authentic . He has taught me a lot during the last thirty six years . I can call him anytime for advice , for a laugh , for a recipe , or just to tell him I miss him and love him . When I cry , my dad cries with me . When I call and brag about my kids and grand kids he gleams with me . He rarely speaks ill of anyone , unless they are republican , lol . He would go to the end of the world for any of us and I would do the same for him . He is a real gentleman and is never afraid to say I Love You or I 'm Sorry . He 's been my rock and I am so happy that I made that phone call way back then . Do You Hear Me Now ? Posted on January 8 , 2016 by marybeth _ 1962 @ hotmail April 17 , 1979 , a day I will never forget . It 's the day I was asked to leave home . I turned 17 on April 13 , 1979 . I had a 3 month old beautiful baby girl . Yes , my life was not perfect , but I was bound and determined to make this work . Again , I was not allowed to see Dave . I returned to school for the last few months of my junior year . But life at home was so up and down . My mom would say " I could tell you something . " And she just kept saying that . She just made me feel like this dirty person who had committed the most dreadful crime . Yes , I had a child out of wedlock . Yes , it is not what we choose for our children . But if your kid is making the best out of her circumstance , you would think a parent would stand by her child and help her succeed . Not in my life . Finally , one day I just burst out and said , " I could tell you something too ! " I 'll never forget it . I was upstairs in my room . And she said you go first . I told her , no ! you go first … because in my mind I was scared to death but I knew in my heart that it had to be told . And what I had to say would destroy the woman in front of me . What she had to tell me is her personal story , one she would have to share . And what she shared with me was in no way comparable to what I had to say . I felt her pain and I understood her a little more , but I did not have it in me to care . I did not deserve to be made to feel like a piece of dirt on a daily basis . I did not need to see her on the phone with Dave , and me not allowed to talk to him . I did not handle keeping score then and I do not tolerate it today . Then it was my turn . Scared to death and not knowing the right words , and hearing her rant , " I told you , now you tell me " , I blurted out " Your husband likes your kids more than you ! " It still feels awful to say those words . Dirty like a rape victim . She was crying , angry , more than angry . More like a raging animal . Everyone hid . She went screaming to her husband , flying from one end of the house to the other . And I am sure any mother would react the same , but not every mother would make the decisions she did . In my heart , I knew what I had just told her needed to be told . And quite frankly , this was never going to happen to Sara . I would kill ! A few days later , on April 17 , 1979 , I was sitting in the wooden rocking chair , rocking Sara . Tears falling non stop , trying to stay tough because I knew she was preparing to approach me . And that is when she came up to me and said , " You have to leave . " I could not believe it . All that ran through my mind is where the hell am I going to go with a new baby . A junior in high school . I did not even have a drivers license ! This is when I went to live with Joan and her family . They took me in and made feel like a person . She became my foster mom for legalities . I will never , ever forget the day we had to go to court for me to be placed in her home . She had bought me a mint green dress from K - Mart , ( the same mint green color I will always cherish ) , and I wore it to court . I actually wore this dress for my high school graduation . I needed to look respectable and not like the piece of trash I was made to feel like . I sat in the court room next to Joan , and my mom and step dad walked in together . They walked past me . And as my mom walked past me , she looked at me , stopped , and spit at me . She flipping SPIT at me . I was devastated . I went right back to feeling like the trash she made me out to be . She walked into court with the man that violated her children and spit at her daughter . As if I had committed this ungodly act ! I could not tell you what was said in the courtroom that day because I just sat there with tears falling out of my eyes . Of course , I was placed in Joanie 's care that day because that is where I went after . That was the day my heart actually broke , because my own mother didn 't care about what happened to her kids or what was going to happen to her daughter or grand daughter . It was all about her , and that was sick ! Up until I graduated from high school I stayed with Joan . There were a few times that I went back home to my mom 's to live but those times were short lived . Shit would start all over again and I would leave and go back to Joanie 's house . Joanie always , always told me " She is still your mom " and I would return expecting to be loved and accepted . But it never happened . It would never happen . As my mother told my siblings . " If he leaves ( the pervert ) then you won 't have pretty clothes to wear , or this house to live in . " So , instead I had to leave , with or without having had a baby I believe I would have had to leave . Sara 's birth had absolutely nothing to do with the reason I was not welcomed at my own home . It was easier to blame a daughter who had a baby out of wedlock than to look at what was really happening in that house . Through out the years I would hear that I asked for what happened to me . My heart would sink hearing that and I would get angry . I would get letters from my mom , even after I was married to Geno , that it was my fault that he , the pervert , molested me . Letters I still have ! I would try over and over again to have a relationship with my mom but it was never a healthy relationship . I would be left out of family functions , holidays and what not . I had destroyed her mirage of happiness and so she blamed me , and kicked me out of the house . And continued living with this sick man . For fourteen years after I told her what was happening , she choose to stay with him . The sick part is that her children would continue to try and love her because this was their mom . We went through life for those fourteen years numb and pretending . There was never a day any of us were disrespectful to our mother . We feared the rath of her ! There were times she would get drunk , smoke cigarettes and make you feel unworthy , and I speak for myself . It was like we ruined her life . But dammit there is not one mother on earth that does not know what is happening in their own house , even behind closed doors , unless they choose not to know ! Tell me now if you disagree , but if your kid is in their bedroom , with the door closed , do you , or do you not know what is going on in there ? For the most part you do . And if you disagree I will call you out on it myself . I guess what always bothered me the most is how blind society is . How the system failed children then and still does today . And how the hell a judge could remove me from the house of perverted sickness and keep my three siblings in it . Later in life , when I worked as a psychiatric technician and young kids who were victims of this sick act would be admitted , I would have a hard time with it . Especially when they were sent back home , to the same sick bastard that put them in a psychiatric unit . It made me furious to know that not much had changed and it was thirty plus years later . The guilt I felt and was made to feel ruined my soul . My perception of others was wrong many times . My self confidence depended on what I could do for others and how happy I could make others feel . The thought of self happiness never crossed my mind until later in life . I really tried to live life right but felt I was constantly judged . I never fit in . I made great friends who would include me in their holidays . But I was still alone . A unexplainable kind of loneliness . I always , always thought being heard would be healing . No one heard . No one that could make a difference would ever hear me . I even wrote to Oprah for pete sake ! lol And then I realized that being heard wasn 't it . And that making a difference would be up to me . I learned forgiveness was necessary but forgetting was impossible . You have to look at the things that happened but it is not necessary to speak of them . And by what I mean of speaking is that it is impossible for me to sit and tell someone the details of what happened . Four kids could not tell each other what was going on back then , but we knew by the pain in our faces . We knew , and I wish we would have run away . Called our dad to come and get us . But the fear of our mother was sometimes worse than the fear of the pervert . Do I miss my mom ? Yes . I will always long for the love of my mom but I don 't believe she can respect the boundries that have been set . Boundries that were set so we could move forward and try to live healthy lives . So that we could stop surviving and start living . The sickness of this world will never leave . It is up to us to decide what we can and can not tolerate to be healthy adults and to raise our children to be respectable people . All four of us kids have succeeded in being great parents and good people ourselves . We do not however deserve to hear that we are misunderstood . We get up each day , put one foot in front of the other and live just like the next guy . We all have a strong faith in God . We have become over achievers and have been our own worst enemy . But I can tell you this , we love others for who they are . We continue to feel like the lost four souls as far as family comes . We no longer really know our maternal side , and they have never really reached out to help us . Our paternal side on the other hand has been remarkable , loving , accepting and I for one love every minute I can spend with them . My dad is my everything . He may not have been able to be there then , but he is here now and I love him . He too was a victim of this craziness . But most of all , I love my brother and sisters . We have a relationship with each other that at times is invisible . We may not always see each other but know that we love each other . We always have laughter and silliness when we are together . As our own children grow and become adults and as we have become grandparents we just gleam with pride . It was up to each one of us to make it and we did ! You are my sunshine ! Posted on January 6 , 2016 by marybeth _ 1962 @ hotmail On 1 / 3 / 1979 I had a curly haired ( lots of hair ! ) beautiful , baby girl that I named Sara . As anyone who has their first baby , my life changed . Only I was 16 and unmarried and totally lost . Sara 's dad was 18 and had just graduated from high school . I didn 't tell anyone that I was pregnant until my 5th month and that is only because I had no choice as I was unable to physically hide it . What I feared most was my mom . Mostly because I would have disappointed her and also because I knew her reaction would not be good . I was right . They sent me to a foster home for pregnant girls in Lacrosse Wi . I hated it there . My roommate was 26 years old , pregnant and unsure what she was going to do now that she was pregnant . I found it odd at her age that she could not handle her situation . All I wanted was to be home where I wished I would be more accepted . I wanted to see Sara 's dad , Dave , but I was not allowed to . In order to bathe in this so called foster home I had to remove the soiled diapers that the foster mom would throw in the tub from her own child . There was no communication , not that I wanted to communicate . I walked around the city of Lacrosse in a daze . Then one night I took a babysitting job . I babysat for a inter racial little boy who was adorable . His mom told me that she adopted him and that his dad was a professional football player . My first thought , another adult who could not handle their situation . Unreal to me at the time . His parents left for the night and I just looked at this little guy who had the cutest , darkest eyes . After he was in bed I called my mom . When she answered the phone I simply told that if she did not come and get me I would find my own way home . I told her I could not stay there . I would not stay there . Before I called her I had called a family that I worked for that summer as a nanny to their two little boys and asked them if I could stay with them since I knew I wasn 't going to be welcomed back at my home with my own family . I told them I would continue to watch the boys at no charge because I really had no where to go . It was not a problem . So I told my mom this when I called her . I had to have a plan , because I knew in my heart I could not go home . In the next couple days , my mom and my stepdad came to get me . Only they were not alone . They had Dave with them . Really ! I thought I was never to see him again . Later when I thought about it , I knew for sure that when I told my mom if they did not come and get me , and that I would find my own way out of there , she probably thought I would call my real dad to get me out of there . Actually I think I would have . I knew if I called Dave he would be there . But if I did that he would be in such trouble . And if I called my real dad My mom would be so mad because we weren 't allowed to see him . So they came and got me and I stayed with the family I worked for that summer . I was tutored most of my sophomore year through their school district until I had this little girl . She was born via C - section because I was overdue . It was so cold outside . I remember the cars wouldn 't start and I actually changed my appointment because of the weather . Dave took me to the appointment and the C - section was scheduled for later that night . I called my mom and she was there for the birth . It was in the Wausau Hospital on Grand Ave . And I was in the maternity ward as they called it back then . There were three beds and my bed was closest to the door , I was in the hospital about nine days and it was nothing but turmoil . I was suppose to give Sara up for adoption and at Dave 's parents request it was to be handled through Lutheran Social Services because they had adopted all three of their own kids through this agency . I was not suppose to see Sara , but I needed to see her . She was beautiful . I just loved her . I held her for hours , just staring at her . I may have been only 16 , but I knew I could raise her . But I never said a word . My mom would visit and get so mad at me . I could see in her eyes that she adored this baby girl , but yet she was so mad . She was so frustrated when she would visit . The one day she stood in my doorway and just yelled at me . I was sobbing and if you have ever had abdominal surgery , sobbing is not easy . She finally left , and I looked at my roommate at the opposite side of the room and I could see she felt horrible at what had just happened . Later I found out she was a social worker and I believe to this day she had my back . The day before I was released my brother came to visit with my mom and stepdad . He looked at that baby and looked at my mom and he said to her , " Can 't she just bring her home ? " My mom looked at me and asked me if that 's what I wanted . I shook my head yes and I brought her home . I dressed Sara in the mint green and yellow baby clothes that I had bought for her , and wrapped her in the mint green and yellow comforter with a giraffe on it . To this day those two colors for newborns are special to me . And I brought her home , to my mom 's house . We had nothing for a baby at home . But it all came together real fast . Many people brought gifts . My girlfriends had a small gathering at my house and brought gifts . People were so kind and I was so happy that my baby girl and I were going to be accepted . Acceptance , something I would long for well into my forties . And the happiness wouldn 't last long . Life was not always good . I will write more on it later . Sara Jayne was my sunshine and still is . I believe in my heart she saved me . She defined me and gave me strength . Because of this innocent baby girl I was reunited with my Dad and his family . Because of this baby girl I grew into a woman who would get through many obstacles . And as this baby girl grew into one amazing woman herself . She continues to teach me things , and she has made me proud beyond words . Granted I have two other beautiful daughters and they are just as important to me and I have stories to share about them as well . But the story I share with Sara is like no other . My mom handled this situation the only way she knew how , or the way she was taught as I would learn later and it would all be validated . We all have a story and we all have to own our story . I believe until you own it , you will lie to yourself . And if you are not honest with yourself and your feelings , life will be a lie . My relationship with my mom is at a distance only because it is easier . Some people have the ability to let go , to grow . To be healthier . To figure themselves out without the conflict of others . It is not easy by no means . It is actually very sad . But as you continue to read my blog you will learn things about me that you probably never knew . |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . When my dad got really sick over Memorial Day weekend , I started to sleep in the living room - right outside his bedroom . That way if he needed me , I was right there . It was a little adjustment for Thunder , but he got into the routine . When my dad died , I decided to continue to help Maggie with the transition and since we had a hot spell , it was much cooler . The other night , something happened . I 'm not sure what , but all parties looked guilty . I heard Maggie jump up and run quickly . I don 't know if she was guarding me and Thunder got too close , if Thunder pounced at her , or maybe he sniffed her , woke her up and that caused the ruckus . Thunder was nervous the rest of the night , I had trouble sleeping and literally had nightmares of Thunder getting hurt by the dog . My room is on the top floor - up the metal , circular staircase . The stairs are not safe for any dog to climb - but particularly a clumsy one like Maggie . She falls going up the regular steps . I have it blocked so Thunder can go up , but Maggie cannot . I brought Thunder 's water dish upstairs , filled his dishes with dry food and made the bed . He was watching everything I did . I filled up Maggie 's Kong toy to help out . It was a nice feeling to bring up my pillows . Next step - I brought up Thunder . As typical , he sniffed around and went back downstairs . This is his routine if he isn 't real tired . I gave him some fresh can food downstairs to fill up his belly and brought him back up . It worked . He curled right up and fell asleep . I tried listening for the dog to make sure she didn 't get into trouble . I forgot how much louder the crickets were up in my room than downstairs , and I was actually straining me ears . It sounded like she was chewing her nylabone . I read for a while and went to sleep . Thunder slept with me the whole night , except when he went downstairs to eat every scrap of canned food I left for him . He ate some of the dry upstairs , too . He seemed so happy in the morning - filled with purrs . I then discovered that Maggie got into the only garbage that was available to her - from my bathroom . She ate some toilet paper tubes . Well , I can eliminate that problem . Let 's see what she gets into , tonight . Maybe this is why Thunder has lost some weight since the ordeal began . He may not be relaxing enough at night to eat his normal amount . He currently looks like a Siamese with long hair . He has always been a thin cat . He still seems healthy , and it isn 't unusual for him to lose weight I the summer heat , but I just don 't like him this thin . Maybe the dog situation at night was more of a stress than having other people in the house during the day ? I sure hope Maggie doesn 't get too destructive , so I can continue to sleep in my bedroom . I think it will be good for both Thunder and me . My mood was much happier this morning , too . Waking up in the living room was just a reminder of things I 'd rather forget . I really want to go forward in my life instead of dwelling on the sad times of the last few months . Please , Maggie , let this work . I decided it was time to ride Cole down the huge hill that is over by the show ring . I 'm sure you are shocked to know I haven 't done it yet , but that 's only because you haven 't seen the hill . It is a long , very steep hill . Combine that with the fact that Cole loved trying to trot down all hills , I was in no hurry to attempt it . I would just lead him , and click him for walking down like a gentleman . It was time to ride down . I had Ellen take Ranger first to encourage him to step slowly and carefully like Range . As he walked down , I periodically clicked him for good behavior . That also helped keep him from building momentum . At one point , I had to thread him between a deep rut and the hill on the edge of the trail . It was the only spot I was really worried about . As I guided him where I wanted him to step , he paid perfect attention and stepped right where I wanted him . The following week , we had an opportunity to work on a training project that we hadn 't touched since last fall - trotting up the hill leading to the barn . We are so close to home - literally right across the street - that horses tend to get worked up if you go faster than a walk . I like to work them on the hill at a trot and canter when we can 't cross the river at the bottom . With the drought this summer , we were able to cross most of the time . We finally got a good rain where we couldn 't , and I decided to take advantage of it . We had already ridden Cruiser and Ranger on it three times . We don 't trot up it with them , anymore , due to their age and Cruiser 's bowed tendon . There are level places that we do trot on . I took Cole on the hill with Ellen on foot . We rode down the hill , turned around and headed up - leaving Ellen behind . He seemed surprised at first when I asked him to trot . He trotted at a moderate , steady speed , and I was so pleased . I stopped him about two thirds of the way up . We walked out to the street , turned around and headed back . I clicked him for his first few steps back . They never want go down the hill again with home so close , so I figured I would reward him for doing it willingly . We made our way back to the bottom - trotting on the level parts . I had a feeling that the second trip wouldn 't go as smoothly , and I told Ellen so . I just thought that now that he knew what we were doing , he would get excited . I was right . As we trotted , he began to build speed . I tried to slow him down , but he decided it would be better to canter . That was at the halfway point . I was able to stop him after about 3 strides and immediately turned him around and headed all the way down to the bottom . I thought that was punishment enough . To test my theory , I asked him to trot up a third time . He was as good as the first time . I was either right , or he was tired from the work . Once again , we stopped at two thirds and walked to the top , turned around and headed down , again . My rule is that the last trip up must be at a walk . That way , they will learn that trotting and cantering on the hill means we are not going home . It has worked in the past . I used to trot Cruiser and Mingo right to the street . I want Cole to know that , too . I 'm sure we will have more high - river days to practice . I had one more opportunity to expand his training this weekend . There was a horse show at the show grounds . We like to ride up there each weekend , though we don 't usually ride right by the show ring unless we have a lot of time . Last fall , we did ride Cole to the edge of a show so he could look around and then left . He had a little temper tantrum just as we left , that time . The trail loops away from the show ring on one side , so we figured we would go that direction . He was doing really well until we neared a horse trailer parked right by the trail . There were no horses in it , but I didn 't realize that a person was . When she started banging things in it , Cole flew back and tried to spin . I stopped him and made him stand for a few moments . I then asked for a step forward . When he gave it to me , I clicked and treated . I repeated it a couple times until we went by . I was careful to only click brave behavior . If I clicked frightened behavior , it would teach him that that is what I wanted . We continued down the trail . On the other side of the loop , it goes right through the heart of the activity - the bleachers , viewing stand , loud speaker , pavilion , horses , horse trailers and people all over the place . He was fine . We would go a little , stop and let him look around and then go a little further . He was very interested in the goings on , but never got excited . He was so much easier than Cruiser … When we made it all the way around the loop , we trotted off to the main trail and headed home . It was a very positive experience - and probably the closest he will ever get to being in a show . We would much rather spend our time riding on the trails than hanging around a show ring all day . When times are tough , the tough get riding . There 's no staying home , moping about . That 's no way to feel better . Saddle time - that 's what 's needed . With the passing of my father , I just needed to ride . Ellen , my sister , and I met each other at the barn the following morning and headed out for a ride together with Cole and Ranger for the first time in over a month , and it felt good . There were moments that I actually forgot for a little bit . My sister and I also got to talk about what was going on , and that was good for us , too . We did it again the next day , too , but it was an even longer ride . Of course , when I got back each day , I went for a ride on Cruiser , too . Ellen caught up with us on the way home and walked with us - just like we used to . Things are starting to get back to normal . We went on a quick ride the following day on Cruiser and Ranger . We didn 't have time for Cole Train because we had to go to the wake . The ride made us stronger to face what was ahead . There wasn 't time on funeral day , but we were there the next day . It was my last bereavement day , and we had another terrific ride together . Then came the tough day . I went back to work . Work itself wasn 't the problem . The problem was that it was an ordinary day . I always called my father twice a day , and when those times came , the pain came with it . After work , I rushed out to the barn , saddled up Cole and headed out for a solo ride - no Ellen or Kevin . It was wonderful . Riding by myself meant I could go as fast as I liked without worrying about the other horses . As soon as I got to a good part of the trail , we were cantering away . I felt that I could canter faster than the grief . The more we cantered , the faster he went . It was as if he understood the urgency . Despite the speed , he still behaved . He slowed down when I asked him , and I was very pleased with him . The last section of the trail is all out in the open going along the street . I only cantered him there a few times in the in the past . It can be a little intimidating until you trust your horse . I decided I trusted him and just let him go as fast as he liked . I got far ahead of the grief that time . My heart just soared . I felt great . We reached the end , turned around and headed back at a trot . Even after the excitement and with the fact that we were trotting toward home , he behaved . He may have been tired . We did a combination of walking and trotting for the next 15 minutes , and then I decided it was time to cool off . It was a hot , humid evening up into the 80s , and he was quite sweaty . After about 5 minutes of walking , the sweat on his neck began to dry . I was very pleased that he was cooling so well after such a vigorous ride . I pushed him harder on this ride than I ever did before . Fifteen minutes later , when we got back to the barn , he was dry except under the saddle . I sponged him off and took Cruiser out for his quiet ride . The house is much quieter , now . It is just Thunder , Maggie and me . I told Thunder that we will probably have to adopt Maggie , because no one else wanted her . He immediately crouched down , wiggled and pounced her . I don 't think Thunder wants to adopt her at all . We cleaned out my dad 's room of all paper products so that she can stay in there instead of in a cage when I 'm gone . It has worked out , so far . She hasn 't destroyed a thing . I think she is safer to be locked away from Thunder . Maybe it is Thunder who has to be confined in the rest of the house for Maggie 's sake . Maggie seems to be somewhat needy , but Thunder is perfectly happy because he has his cat tower . They will adapt . I will adapt . Life goes on … One major development - since I have been using a tongue click with Maggie for grooming so much and a clicker click with Thunder , I can now work with Thunder and Maggie usually doesn 't even come in the room . It makes it much easier since she would distract Thunder . It is one of the main reason I stopped his training . Maggie kept getting in the way . It has been a couple of years since I have regularly worked with Thunder . I had him targeting through obstacles and jumping through a hoop . I didn 't hold it high - just high enough for him to hop . Upon restarting his training , it appears that he remembers targeting and sitting up , perfectly . We do that in the beginning to charge the clicker and then move to the hoop . I target him through it at a walk , and he got it the first day . The problem with Thunder is his little belly gets filled up , fast , and we might get 10 - 15 clicks at the most . I even break the treats in half , but he just quits when he is full . After about 5 sessions , I picked up the hoop , and he walked straight through it without any targetting ! I was so proud of the little guy . We did it 4 times - and then his belly was full . Maggie has her own hoop - much bigger . I cut them out of a cardboard box . The first few sessions were a disaster . She was afraid of the hoop and ran away . I was frustrated . I know that as a rescue dog , she has baggage , but seriously , was she beaten with a hoop ? I then decided to try her outside on the leash . It makes it a little tougher to coordinate - but I don 't trust her off leash - she runs off and won 't let me catch her . ( Rescue baggage , I 'm sure . ) Anyway , I sat on the ground and held the hoop in front of me . To get to me , she had to go through the hoop . She was hesitant , at first , but once she understood , she did great . I then changed to holding the hoop and having her walk through it - not to me . The leash was able to guide her . I got her stepping through in the same session . I then put aside the hoop , sat down on the ground and stuck my leg out and asked her to jump it . She knows the jump command , and figured it out quickly . I did lots of clicks for her . When I stood up and held out the hoop and said " jump , " she hopped through . Now we have had 3 sessions , and we are working on improving those two tricks . She will jump back and forth over my leg 3 times before a click . She is really good at that . She will hop through the hoop , but is having trouble getting her back legs through . I will keep it lower until she figures all of it . I may be clicking too soon , causing her to stop before she is through . So , it appears she isn 't dumb - just challenged . She has been enjoying her sessions quite a bit and gets very excited . I will keep up with it . Posted by This has been a very sad time in my family 's lives . My father 's cancer has gotten the better of him . He is very weak and hasn 't been able to walk in a month and a half . He lives in his bedroom - either on the bed or the recliner . Someone has to be with him all day . Since I live with him , I get the bulk of it . I am getting help from my sister and my brother 's family . He doesn 't want any outsiders helping him . We do have hospice assisting us . This has cut into my riding . I still ride , but less often and the rides are shorter . My time with my boyfriend is limited to riding together and when he visits me at my house . I don 't even get to see my sister enough . She is working weekends , now , so she can be on Dad Watch a couple days during the week . I take a couple vacation days every week , too , just to stay home . I do a lot of gardening , the dog is getting a better walks and I read . Thunder the Wonder Cat , loves having me home so much . He 's the only one happy with the situation . My sister and I have both learned to never take anything for granted , again . I never was one to do that in the first place , but now I realize that it applies to EVERYTHING . Our lives have been turned upside down . I have learned to appreciate any horse time I can get . I am even enjoying the chores at the barn more than ever . I like going to work , too , since I can 't go as often as before . But it is more than that . I have seen what has happened to my father . I have learned to appreciate walking , looking out the windows , eating a big meal , taking a shower and stepping outside the door . These are things he hasn 't been able to do . He took them for granted , too . As I walk down the driveway to get the paper in the morning , something that used to be his job , I look at all the lovely trees and I notice their beauty . I never paid attention to them , before . They were just the trees I saw every day . They look different to me now ; because I know the ability to see them could be gone , in an instant . I indulged myself . For Thunder 's birthday / anniversary , I bought him a cat tower . I ordered it from Petco . I really wanted it - and then they had a sale and the price came down . I couldn 't resist it any longer . It took only a week to ship , and I received it on Tuesday - the first day of Dad watch , so I was thrilled to have something fun to do . . Thunder was very interested when I was assembling it . Once it was done , I took it to the big picture window that overlooks the front yard . It took him 10 seconds to reach the top . He loves it ! Most of the day , he is either on it or close by keeping an eye on it . He watches the sunrise there - even though the window faces west . He purrs and purrs and purrs . On the second day , he showed me how he learned to sharpen his claws . This morning , he demonstrated going from the window sill to the top perch all in a single bound . My sister is on Dad watch today , while I am at work , and she said he has shown it to her many times and how he can climb in different ways . He is on it , now . He is one happy cat . We couldn 't cross the river on our ride last night - too high . I rode with a friend , Julie , who was on Kevin 's horse , Starry . We went up and down the hill 3 times . We trotted on the level parts . Starry didn 't see the point in it all . Cole thought trotting was great fun and Julie said that he was floating off the ground . Yes , Cole can truly trot . That was his extended trail trot . He has a bunch of trots , but that 's the one that just eats up the miles . It seemed like it would take only a few seconds and we would have to come back to a walk . It was so hot . I think I sweated gallons on that short ride . When I got back , I sponged Cole off and saddled up Cruiser . It was his turn . We did our 3 trips . He trotted like a normal horse on a hot day . Actually , I think the warm weather is doing him good . Sometimes his trot is a little stiff . It has been feeling better , lately . Also , he hasn 't been laying down so much in his stall . The old guy is feeling good . I still sweated gallons . My riding has been sporadic and abbreviated since we have been taking care of my Dad . I didn 't get out at all on Saturday , so my sister - in - law took pity on me and said she 'd start her shift a few hours early on Sunday so I could get a longer ride and be able to spend time with Kevin . I jumped at the chance . I took Cole up to the show ring trails . It is the first time since this whole thing started that I could ride somewhere different . It is only the second time I rode him there , alone . My sister and I usually go together . I did it once last fall , and he misbehaved . Well , he wasn 't a whole lot better this time . He was fine until we got up there , and then he got very hyper . Our trotting was very fast , which I don 't mind , but he broke into the canter countless times and wasn 't easy to bring back down . We got to the turnaround point before I knew it . Since he was so wound up , I opted to skip the trails out in the field and just go home . The bugs attacked , so I tried some trotting . He went very , very fast and I could hardly stop him . We took a break for him to settle down and then tried it again . He was steadier with his trotting , but when I wanted to stop , once again , he didn 't think it was a good idea . I 'm not used to this from Cole . He usually has a very good stop . I decided we would walk home from there . He was very hot and sweaty . He finally had a ride vigorous enough to tire him out . The walk home was uneventful and he behaved just fine . I sponged him off and then it was time for Cruise . We had an easy ride , and Kevin met us on foot . He said that since we had extra time , he had the urge for some Steak and Shake . We haven 't gone anywhere for dinner except a quick stop at Burger King for weeks . Steak and Shake it was . We ate too much , but it sure was good . I rode last night , too . this time , Kevin came with me . we went on our usual ride , except skipped the part that puts us right by the street . There are too many idiots with fireworks this time of year , and they are worst in the evening . Starry and Cole were well behaved and we got some good cantering in . I then took Cruiser on another easy ride . I will ride tomorrow morning , but I can 't get out in time to ride with my sister . She goes in to work at 10 : 00 and I can 't get there before 9 : 30 . I really miss my rides with her . Kevin will be there , though . I will stay at home with Dad for the 4th of July . I don 't mind missing the fireworks , but I will miss Kevin . He has been great through this crisis by riding with me when he can , taking care of my horses when I can 't get there and visiting me when I can 't get away , but I sure do miss going out with him . July 5th is our 16th anniversary of our first unofficial date . Posted by A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
Sure that Kane was asleep , Adam had stealthily taken his rifle and a canteen . He had not gotten far before he was surprised by Kane and forced at gunpoint back to the camp . Kane had sneered at him and questioned whether he still thought he was the better man . It had galled Adam to be tied with the cords that had been used on the mule . The stench of the dead animal still wafted across the camp . They could have eaten the animal , but at rifle point , Kane had refused to let him butcher the animal for the meat . Instead they had meager amounts of beans that required they use the precious water they had left . Then Kane stood there and poured out the sand from the canteen . The words had been so shocking that Adam had nothing to say . How could the man be so blasé about words that meant they both would die here in this hellhole ? Kane loved his games though so Adam wondered what this next game must be . Kane was clean - shaved every morning . Adam knew there was some way that he was doing that but had no idea how he managed it . Kane had given Adam part of a broken razor blade . It was far too small to be a weapon , but with some seepage in the cave , Adam was able to scrape away most of his beard each day . He couldn 't get a close shave without hurting himself though so he knew he must look as scruffy as any desert rat . He used some of the seepage to wet his face for that and each day wiped away as much of the grime as his filthy clothing would allow . He smelled awful and found his own stench nearly unbearable . He had scraped out depressions in the rock at the base of each place where the water seeped out of the rocks inside the cave . He didn 't know if Kane knew that , but it was the only water he would have now , and it wasn 't nearly enough . He knew he was already dehydrated , and probably had three days or less to live in this heat . He hardly sweated at all as his skin was hot and dry most of the time . The only relief was at night , and now he would be hard pressed to get any sleep at all in this position . He looked up to see Kane watching him . " I don 't play games , Mr . Cartwright . This is life . You may not recognize it because everything has always been done for you . Now you have to do things for yourself and you don 't know how . " Such a ridiculous line of conversation didn 't deserve a response . Adam had already proved to the man that he knew how to work . Kane knew that Adam had callouses on his hands from hard work , muscles from hard work , and when Adam 's shirt had torn open , he had seen scars Adam had from injuries incurred defending himself and his family . None of that had made any difference in the man 's opinions . He was so enveloped in self - pity and jealousy that he could not see reality . Dropping his chin against his chest , Adam closed his eyes and attempted to sleep . He couldn 't . He was cold . His muscles cramped , and his mind would not let him rest . He kept coming back to the question of what game Kane was playing . Then a second question started to nag at him . He wondered what he should do the next day for he was surely going to die . Therefore , the question for him was actually in black and white . He could stay here until he died in captivity being used as a beast of burden and worked as a slave , or he could walk out of camp the next morning . Kane would likely shoot him in the back if he did , but then he would die a free man . Neither option was a good one . Adam began to weigh the pluses and minuses of each one . If he left , it would be on his own terms . He would be free and a man . His life would be short . However , it would be meaningless . His family would never know how his life ended . His body would never be found . If his family was still looking for him , he would have given them three less days to find him and rescue him . It went against his principles to give up on life . So it came down to the other option . If he stayed , he had to contend with Kane and his taunting and his abuse . Adam had no doubt that the abuse would now get worse . He had been hit a few times , but now he expected that would occur more often . Whenever his back was turned , there would be an opportunity for Kane to strike him . No matter how hard he tried to avoid it , there would be times when Kane was behind him . Sometimes Kane was stealthy too and came up behind him while he was working . Adam had learned to set traps to make that more difficult . However bound as he was now , Kane could strike him at will . So far , he had not been struck in the head and none of the blows had done serious damage but that could change . But if he could tolerate the abuse , he could give his family three more days to find him . He could have three more days of life . Where there was life , there was hope . Wasn 't there ? He saw the first signs of dawn then and would have cried except he was too dehydrated for tears . All that came were a few wrenching breaths from deep within him . From his bedroll , Kane had observed Adam since he had been tied to the post of the lean - to . He could almost imagine the man 's thoughts . He had expected him to break long before this . He thought that when he untied him , he would run at the first chance . Having tied him like that though , he knew Adam 's leg muscles wouldn 't cooperate . He would make him pay for the attempt though . He would make him pay dearly for trying to run again . He smiled in anticipation of teaching this man another lesson in humility that he thought he needed to learn . He waited until the first rays of the sun came over the mountains and then moved toward Adam and untied his hands but not before he slammed the butt of the rifle into his shoulder to wake him . " Wake up , Cartwright , you lazy good - for - nothing . First you show you 're not trustworthy by trying to run off , and now you show how lazy you are by trying to sleep when there 's work to be done . Now I 'll untie your hands and you untie your feet . Don 't try to run or I 'll have to punish you for that . Last night you got off easy , but that won 't happen again . Now get into the mine and get to work . " Those words infuriated Adam as they were meant to do . He stood too fast and his leg muscles protested with cramps . He fell which was exactly what Kane had expected and wanted . He moved in and kicked Adam in the back of his thighs sending him face forward into the sand . A well placed kick then had Adam balled up and writhing in pain . He saw Kane 's boots then as the man stood in front of him . " You 'll learn to obey orders without questioning them . Like any animal , brute force seems to be the only thing you understand . Gelding you might have helped , but it 's probably too late for that to do any good . " The boots left then stomping away , and slowly Adam regained his senses as the pain subsided . He was able to get to his knees and then was about to stand when Kane emerged from the mine . He walked back to the lean - to and sat at the table in the shade . He gestured toward the mine entrance and Adam slowly made his way there . He walked inside finding some relief from the heat inside the cave . He went to where he had made depressions to collect water from the seepage in the mine and found that Kane had urinated into them . He went from one to another and each one was fouled . He dropped to his knees in frustration and anger . He did want to kill him then . His minute supply of water was gone . He would have no more for hours at least . Once more , he was ready to give up but found that he couldn 't . He went to each depression and filled it with dirt and painstakingly scraped the foul mud out until each depression was as clean as he could make it . Then he moved to the far end of the mine and laid down on his back . He rested there for at least an hour doing nothing . He smiled as he thought about it . What was Kane going to do about it ? Kill him ? He started laughing then and couldn 't stop . The whole situation was becoming so ludicrous that no one would ever believe it . He was in hell and it was so absurdly crazy and awful , that is was funny . He laughed hysterically until he began to cry . Finally exhausted , he lay on his side and fell asleep . He would not wake for several hours . His body was weakening even if his will to survive was still strong , and his spirit was as yet unbroken . Outside the mine , sitting at his table and munching on dried strips of mule meat , Kane heard him . He had not realized how close to breaking Adam was . He thought perhaps he would be ready to kill him within a day or two . Both of their hells would soon be over . Kane was fairly sure that Adam would soon be ready to kill him . Because he was a decent man , he knew that Adam would not be able to live with himself once he had done that , but he wouldn 't have to live long with the knowledge that Kane had forced him to kill . The desert would kill him soon enough . Kane thought he should probably be sure to hide the rest of this mule jerky though . He had made it well out of sight of Adam who had no idea that Kane had done it while he had been working away in the mine . Kane had led him to believe that the mule had rotted away and been ravaged by scavengers without realizing that Kane had been one of the scavengers . It had been difficult to keep the damn birds and the beasts away from the meat drying in the sun , but he had managed to salvage enough of it to keep himself strong . The lack of water though was a problem even for him . He had only two canteens left . One was buried for an emergency and the other he sipped from very sparingly . Adam was going to get none . Dehydration was going to help drive him to the desperation that Kane needed him to have to make him kill because Kane lacked the ability to kill himself . He had tried but found over and over again that he could not do it . He railed on Adam for lack of perseverance and fortitude , but he knew he lacked these things in himself and hated the strength he saw in the man he was tormenting . His only consolation was that it would soon be over . He would be dead at Adam 's hand within two days , three at the most . He was sure of it . He would be right . Adam would be wrong , and he would die knowing that Kane had proved himself the better man . Kane smiled in appreciation of his own cleverness . When Adam awoke , he was cold , and that surprised him at first . He hadn 't been cold in so long . But he hadn 't been working and he had been lying on the stone floor . He was dehydrated and exhausted . The combination made him cold . By the angle of the light coming into the mine tunnel , he guessed it was already afternoon . He would go outside into the sun to get warm but then Kane would be haranguing him endlessly . The sun would warm him but also probably take what little energy he had left . He decided to do some work that he could do to help himself . He hollowed out more depressions to collect water at places where water seeped in even the tiniest trickles that he had thought too little to bother with originally . Now those drops were too precious to ignore . He lay down and lapped up the water that had collected in the depressions that he had cleaned out that morning . He probably got no more than a few ounces but at least his tongue no longer stuck to the roof of his mouth . Then he worked out a plan for how he might prevent Kane from soiling his water supply the next morning or at least he made it difficult for him to do it . It took most of the afternoon to cut pieces of wood to protect each of the depressions in the rock that he had made . Satisfied with his work , as it neared sundown , he went out to deal with Kane because it was the only way he could get the blanket that he needed to sleep because otherwise he would be too cold to sleep . Kane greeted him as soon as he exited the mine . He was sitting at the exit with the rifle propped over his knee . " What am I going to do with you , Mr . Cartwright ? You proved yourself to be untrustworthy , and despite my discipline of you this morning for your laziness , your sloth was most evident today . Tomorrow you will have a chance to redeem yourself , but you will need to work very hard to do so . " " I have been working very hard for you . I fulfilled my bargain and you did not keep your agreement with me . You are the one who should be redeeming himself . Where is your honor ? " " My honor is in showing you how to be a gentleman instead of an animal , but you have not shown the slightest inclination in that regard . Perhaps tomorrow you will be more inclined to try to make a step up . Now I 'm tired and need to sleep . You interrupted my rest last night , so it 's time to tie you again . Sit at that post and tie your feet together as you did last night . " Moving reluctantly to the post , Adam sat on the low stool and pulled the smelly red blanket around his shoulders . It was still warmed by the heat of the day and felt good as it transferred its warmth to his sore shoulders and back . Despite all his discomfort , he had to smile just a little at the small comfort it gave him . Kane however was dismayed by the smile for it meant that Adam wasn 't as beaten down as he had hoped . It meant that there was still too much spirit left inside of the man . Kane 's great fear at this point was that Adam might physically collapse before his spirit was broken . If that happened , he would not kill Kane . That meant that Kane would die broken and defeated with nothing to show for his life . He wanted this last victory . He felt he had to have it . He had to destroy Adam , had to prove he was the better man in order to feel vindicated , to feel that his life had meant something . In a moment of mental clarity , he wondered if that meant that he was mentally unbalanced by his quest for riches that had consumed him but dismissed the thought almost as soon as he had it . He had these rational thoughts on occasion . He did as he always did when that happened . He ignored them . The last man who had been in this camp had broken long before this Cartwright , but he had killed himself instead of killing Kane . He was determined that he would not make that mistake again . This time he made sure that his actions would make Cartwright hate him enough to direct his anger into wanting to kill him . He hoped it would be very soon . He thought that his actions tonight and the next morning might be enough to propel the man to action . As Adam put his hands behind the pole to be tied , Kane smiled . The next step was an important one . When he finished tying his hands , he pulled the blanket away . Jerking forward , Adam would have stood if he could . He was furious . He spit the next words out . " Who 's the animal now ? You wouldn 't treat a dog the way you treat me . You give me no food and no water . You obviously have some source of both that you 're not sharing . You took away the only source of water that I had and did it in the most foul way . You sat out here today and did nothing . You 're the lazy one . You emulate the worst of men in human history who sat and watched human misery and did nothing to alleviate it . You are a vile and despicable man . " In a calm voice that infuriated Adam even more , Kane spoke to Adam with the rifle trained on Adam 's chest as if he were a wild beast who might yet escape . " You have another trait of the beast . You cannot control yourself . You need to be restrained and trained like any wild and dangerous brute . That is why you must be tied and guarded like any savage and unpredictable animal . " " Oh , I 'm sure you have convinced yourself of that . The self - righteous conceited well - born always do that to justify the breaks they have . Just as you have . But you 'll get none of that here . Here , you 'll have to earn what you get , and you haven 't earned much . Now , if you would be so kind as to be quiet , I need to get some sleep . Having to guard you against your excesses of behavior has exhausted me . I need some sleep , and it is cold tonight . I want the warmth and comfort of my bedroll which I have earned . " Leaving Adam to seethe in frustration and fury , Kane smirked in darkness and laid his rifle beside his bedroll . Kane rather dramatically checked the cylinder of his pistol and the barrel to make sure they were clear and working smoothly before replacing the pistol in his holster and laying back and pulling the blanket over his shoulders . He could almost feel the heat of Adam 's glare on his back and felt almost a bit of regret that Adam would not sleep and would likely spend a very uncomfortable night shivering in the cold desert air . It was worse than that for Adam was so angry and frustrated that he continually worked at the ropes trying to free himself until his wrists were bloody , but it was to no avail . The ropes were too tight and strong . In the early light of dawn , Kane found the knot still damp with blood and again felt a momentary pang of regret that lasted only as long as it took for Adam to sneer and lambast him for his behavior . With a frown , Adam stood slowly letting his cramped muscles gradually loosen . He had learned a painful lesson the morning before and didn 't want to repeat it . Kane smirked and Adam wanted to hit him but refrained . Instead he walked with as much dignity as he could muster on stiff legs and with a sore back . He went into the mine and drank the few ounces of water that had collected overnight . Then he went to the spot that Kane had said was the place where the vein of gold was hiding . It was where he had shored up the walls and ceiling as well as he could . He had to drill the holes for the dynamite just a bit deeper and then he could blast . He had to chip away more of the rock before he could do it though so that was the morning 's work . He worked slowly and deliberately and knew that his strength was deserting him . He had not felt that weak for a very long time . He carried out several loads of rocks , and each time , he was mocked by Kane . When he carried out the fourth small load which was the most that he could manage , he fell . With his head down in weary exhaustion , Adam didn 't have the strength to respond to the taunt . He wanted to lay there and close his eyes and never open them again . Then he heard three shots . He was at first shocked and then his heart knew . His father and brothers hadn 't given up . They were still looking for him . He struggled to his feet and ran as well as he could toward the rocks at the edge of the camp . If only he could get to higher ground , then perhaps he could yell or wave his arms and maybe they could hear him or see him . Hope surged through him once more . As he climbed desperately , Kane grabbed him and jerked him backwards . Without any strength left to fight him , he fell backwards and his head hit the hard packed sand . It stunned him and he lay there dazed and unable to respond . He heard almost as if in a dream the calls of his father . Then another and even louder voice called his name . " Adam . " That was Hoss . He heard through but couldn 't respond . Those calls would haunt him for days and in his dreams and daydreams . He wanted so much to answer . Kane knelt beside Adam and listened to the calls . For the first time , he felt remorse for what he was doing . This man had a family who loved him . They were searching for him and wanted him back with them . It wasn 't just Adam who was going to be lost by this . Those men who were out there searching were going to lose too . Kane felt some guilt for that . He knew that he shouldn 't be doing what he was doing but no longer saw another way to end the drama that he had started . If he called out to those men , he would end his days in prison , or even worse , he might be placed in an institution . He could not endure either of those . He nodded a bit then . He believed that sacrifices had to be made . In his mind , the loss of one life or two lives here should not make that much difference in the world . No one would miss him . He couldn 't see that the loss of Adam Cartwright could make much difference in the future of the world so to his mind , it really didn 't matter what happened here in the desert . He rationalized away his momentary remorse and waited for Adam to awaken . It took quite some time . Finally it was nearly nighttime so Kane simply pulled the red smelly blanket across Adam and left him there where he had fallen . If Adam awakened and killed him , then the drama had reached its resolution . If he didn 't , then he soon would . The climax of the drama was nearing . Kane could feel it . For most of the next morning , Adam chiseled holes into the wall of the mine . By early afternoon , he set charges . He was amazed that with everything that had happened , Kane trusted him with dynamite . Then he realized as he was setting the charges that Kane probably wanted him to build a bomb or find a way to use the dynamite to kill him . Adam wouldn 't do it . When he lost his temper with Kane , he had momentary lapses when he wanted to kill the man for what he was doing , but his innate nature reasserted itself each time and stopped him from acting on those impulses . He would not be driven to kill . He told himself over and over that he would not let Kane win , and then berated himself for letting Kane pull him into the game . It was not a game . He would not let himself think of this as a game . It was his life , and Kane was taking it away from him day - by - day for some crazy motive that Adam was beginning to suspect was a desire to die by Adam 's hand . Well Adam was just as determined that it wasn 't going to work . He would likely die out here , but he was resolute in his determination to stick to his principles and beliefs no matter how badly he was treated and how physically weak he became . As he worked , he nearly cried when he remembered hearing his father 's voice calling his name and realizing that was probably the last time he would hear it . He had heard Hoss ' voice one time too . He could vaguely recall hearing those voices as he lay there unable to respond too stunned to move and then he had passed into unconsciousness from shock , from injury , and from exhaustion compounded by dehydration . When he awoke that morning , he was surprised to find the blanket over him . It had helped him stay warm during the night and he had slept soundly for probably fourteen hours or so . He was still tired and weak . He was guessing that he hadn 't had a proper meal now in about a week . He hadn 't had a full ration of water in four days . There were times when he thought he saw Kane in the mine and he wasn 't there . There were times when he thought heard voices and turned and no one was there . These hallucinations were becoming more frequent and more real . It was especially distressing to Adam with his rational and logical nature to realize that his physical body was robbing him of his mental abilities and sanity . He didn 't know what he would do if he lost those and that frightened him . He might do what Kane wanted without even knowing that he was doing it . While he still had the ability to work out a solution , he decided that today was the last day . He would blast this hole and that was it . It would be the gold that Kane claimed was here or it would expose the sham that he had orchestrated for his crazy game . One way or the other , Adam was walking out of this camp when he was done . If Kane killed him , then it was on Kane 's head . If he didn 't , then the desert would kill him . His family was out there somewhere . It was improbable that they were close enough for a rescue , but he would not stay in this camp for another night . He hammered harder then and the holes were finished . He stuffed the dynamite into the holes the way he had been taught to do it setting the primer cord just so and making sure the caps were properly positioned . When all was ready , he took the matches and lit the primer cord before rushing to the mine entrance and praying as he ran that he would not trip nor fall . In his mind , he was a bit amused at himself wanting to be sure to live at that moment when he fully expected to die within a day or two . When he exited the mine , he saw Kane sitting under the lean - to at his table as he usually was and relaxing in the shade . Adam took cover just before the blasts sent dust billowing from the mine entrance . First with a rebellious stance and then with as cocky a strut as he could manage under the circumstances , Adam moved back into the mine . He cleared rock away for an hour and found only more rock . There was nothing but more rock where he had blasted . His shoring had held but it was for no good purpose . He had labored for weeks to build shoring to blast rock away that had been shielding only more rock . Outside , Kane knew the moment had arrived . He took the cartridges out of the pistol and loaded the rifle . He took the cylinder out of the pistol and threw it in one direction and the rest of the pistol in another . The rifle was now fully loaded . He would engage Cartwright in the last game , a game in which he fully expected to lose and die . Then Cartwright could walk off into the desert knowing that Kane was the better man . Kane smirked then as he thought about how Cartwright would be wracked with self - loathing and self - recrimination even as his body succumbed to the desert as it leached the spirit out of him even as the moisture his body needed evaporated from him and the heat beat him down into the sand . He had thought he would feel a greater sense of triumph at this moment but all he did feel was a sense of relief that it was finally almost over . He would be released from the miserable failure of existence that his life had become . He almost cringed when he saw Adam emerge from the mine . There was more but he knew that the kill - or - be killed game that Kane had wanted him to play had offended him on some deep level that infuriated him beyond his ability to explain . When he had realized that Kane had held back food and water torturing him when they could both have been rescued , he had exploded in fury . He had attacked Kane then and nearly killed him as Kane had wanted all along . He knew then that was what the man had wanted . He had wanted to drive Adam to the point where he would lose all sense of decency and kill Kane . It had almost worked . He had his hands around the man 's throat and was strangling the life out of him when those words had stopped him . Unable to accept that , Adam had released Kane in shock at what he had almost done . He had found it almost unbelievable that he had done what he had done . He smashed the rifle , grabbed the food and water , and ran to the desert to escape Kane and the fate that Kane had tried to make him accept except Kane had taunted him saying that he was doing exactly what those two outlaws had done to him and that Kane had still won . He had to go back . He couldn 't leave him there to die no matter what he had done . His principles , his basic decency , and everything his father had ever taught him wouldn 't let him do it . He trudged back to the camp . It took him some time , but the poles from the shoring of the mine , the dirty tarp and ropes from the lean - to , and the ropes from the mule made a decent travois . He looked at the meager supplies of food and water and had an extremely difficult decision to make . If he gave any water to Kane , he would not have enough to survive pulling the man through the desert and they would both die . If he drank the water , he could have a chance albeit a slim one of pulling that travois out of the desert . Kane had been drinking water until that day . Adam decided that he would have to try to survive three days without water , and Adam would drink what was in the canteen and try to get the two of them out of the desert . He smiled grimly at the prospect which wasn 't at all optimistic before he lifted the harness for the travois . With his plan made , he slept then until it was dark , and began the trek out . He walked all night and most of the next day until it was too hot . He rested then in the shade of some large rocks and ate some of the food . He waited there until late afternoon when he began the trek again . He did that again the second day . On the third day , he didn 't stop because he had run out of water and because he was no longer thinking rationally nor able to form any cohesive thought about anything . He simply walked because he had been walking . If he had been sitting , he would have continued sitting . Over and over again , he heard his father 's voice . He wished he could hear again in reality instead of just in his mind . He heard Hoss too . " Adam . " He wondered why he didn 't hear Joe . He remembered that he was supposed to meet Joe at Signal Rock in three days . Joe was probably really angry with him for being late . He laughed when he thought about that . He was so late this time that it made up for every time Joe had been late and then some . He laughed again . He laughed too much and started to lose the harness for the travois . He stumbled then and began to fall to his knees . He knew he shouldn 't . He knew he would never be able to get up again if he fell . He didn 't want to die out here . He wanted so much to live but it was so hard . He didn 't hear his father 's voice nor even realize he was there until he was grabbed and held for a moment . He felt hands holding him up and then he collapsed . He didn 't have to be strong any more . He didn 't have to keep fighting . He could let his father and his brothers hold him up . They didn 't though . They let him fall and caught him . He heard Joe then as he held the canteen to his lips . He heard Hoss ' voice and he heard his father 's voice . It was too much . He was so joyful that he started laughing and he tried to explain but it all came out so jumbled and then he started crying and couldn 't stop . He didn 't know what was wrong with him but he felt his father 's arms wrap around him and that made the crying worse . He heard Hoss say he had been dragging a dead man and he couldn 't stop crying then . It was all so awful . He didn 't know how he would ever explain this to his family . He didn 't know how he could ever get them to understand . For what seemed like hours but was more likely fifteen minutes , Adam was held and given water until he finally was able to stop crying long enough to be moved to shade . Hoss buried the man on the travois who likely had been dead for a day or two already . Joe went to get more water and was back within a few hours . They cooked up a light broth and waited for it to cool before getting Adam to eat it . He was ravenous at first but only had a spoonful before claiming he had enough . Ben insisted that he have another and then another , but then that was all he would have . As the night went on , every fifteen minutes or so , Ben insisted that Adam have water or more of the broth . He knew that dehydration effects were the most dangerous at this point and that Adam was not yet safe from them . They had to get as much fluid into him as they could . They continued that through the night until about midnight when Adam fell into a sleep so deep that he could not be roused . Ben told Hoss and Joe that they would let him sleep for three or four hours before they would try to wake him again . When they did , they began the whole routine again . At dawn , Joe left to go rent a wagon because it was clear that Adam would not be able to ride any distance . Hoss and Ben stayed with him to care for him and protect him . Joe headed to the livery stable where Cochise was recovering hoping not only to get a wagon but also to get Cochise and as many other supplies as he could . If he was successful , they would be able to head directly to the Ponderosa . Sitting by Adam 's side in the shade of a small tree , Hoss addressed his father as Adam slept . " You know how he is . He needs a bath and clean clothes . He 'll feel more like his own self then . " " We don 't have enough water to bathe him . When he wakes , I want to wash those abrasions on his wrists . Someone had him tied . Those are infected and have to be washed and bandaged . I want to do it when we can explain to him what we 're doing . I would have done it yesterday , but it was impossible to talk with him . He was out of his mind with the heat and everything that had happened to him . Causing him any more pain was out of the question . I 'm hoping when he wakes up this time , that we can talk to him and that he 'll understand what we 're saying . I pray that my son will look back at me out of those eyes and not the desperate man I saw yesterday . " " I know . I can see that my brother went through some kind of hell out there like Joe said . Somebody held him against his will and forced him to work . I can see that . His hands is all blistered and calloused like he worked like a slave from sunup to sundown . He looks like he lost twenty pounds or more too . He must not a been fed much . Pa , I just don 't know what makes a man do what they done to him . You reckon he escaped somehow with that other man ? " " No , I mean he didn 't have the wounds on his wrists , and his clothing was cleaner and not torn like Adam 's . He didn 't have the blisters on his hands either . I saw that when you pulled him from the travois while I was holding Adam . He looked to be in better condition like he hadn 't been working like Adam had been . " " Yeah , I saw that before I buried him . I looked him over to see what killed him and there was no sign of nothing . There was nothing on him to say who he was neither . None of it makes no sense , does it ? Wonder why was Adam trying to drag him outta that desert ? " On the bedroll beneath the tree , Adam was listening to them talk . Ben saw the furrow between his son 's eyebrows deepen . He drew his finger across his throat to signal Hoss to cut that conversation short and inclined his head toward Adam . Hoss looked over and apparently saw the same sign that his father had seen which now included a slight frown . Adam was thinking about what he had heard them say . He didn 't have good answers for their questions and didn 't want to have to explain the whole thing yet until he had more time to think about it . From the start , he had made mistakes in judgment and behavior which were going to be difficult for him to admit . He had been suckered into a deal with Kane that he never should have made . He didn 't notice the warning signs until it was too late . He should have bolted from Kane 's camp when he still had the strength to do so and before Kane expected him to do it . He had made mistake after mistake . He should have lured Kane into the mine and overpowered him when he still had the strength to do it . He wondered if he had been too arrogant , too proud and if that had led him to make the most serious mistakes of all that nearly led to his death . He knew too that he still might die . He knew that despite all the fluids his family had given him , he had not urinated and that was a worrisome thing . His body might have shut down and might not start up again . It was amazing that such a simple thing might make the difference between living and dying but there it was . He would likely know very soon . He had made his mistakes and his choices so the result would be his fault whichever way it went , but he felt bad knowing that if he died , his family would feel guilt . He didn 't know how he could alleviate that , but decided that he had to try . He would do his best to explain enough so that they would know that if he died , it was his own damn fault . But Adam was weak so he had to try to figure out how to tell the story without making it so complicated that he got into the games that Kane had played with his mind confusing him and implementing his diabolical plan to break his spirit and his will until he killed Kane before perishing himself . It had come very close to working out just as Kane had intended . He thought about it quite a lot and fell asleep again before he had a chance to say anything but not before Hoss and his father had tipped the canteen up to his lips several times and had gotten him to take several more ounces of fluid each time . They knew too that somehow his kidneys and his liver had to be coaxed into functioning once more or he would die . Around noon , Adam awoke again and Ben tried to coax him to eat some stew but couldn 't . Adam had no appetite . He did drink a little but even that was difficult for him , but he was more than willing to let Hoss strip the filthy clothing from him and burn it . Most of the stench disappeared with the burning clothing . Hoss used the Indian method of bathing in the desert using some of the plants to softly wipe away the grime . Ben had a spare shirt and pants that were too large but at least they gave Adam something clean to wear . Hoss and Ben cleaned Adam 's wrists and hands with some of the water and carefully wrapped them in soft cloth to protect them from dirt and dust . Using the damp cloths , Ben wiped Adam 's face cleaning it thoroughly for the first time in weeks . Doing those things made Adam feel better but he didn 't talk much , and Ben and Hoss felt they shouldn 't press him for explanations . As he rested after they cleaned him up , he felt an urge that he hadn 't felt in days . Hoss helped him stand so that he could try and he had a thin stream of brown that struck the sand . It wasn 't a healthy sign but it was a beginning . After that , Adam was thirsty and did accept a few spoonfuls of stew . Hoss smiled at his father . By that evening , they were sure that Adam would survive . He made two more trips to the bushes before they turned in for the night , and in the middle of the night , he reached out to Hoss once more . By late the next afternoon when Joe arrived with the wagon and supplies , Adam was able to stand by himself and move the short distance to the bushes to relieve himself . He drank often and ate small amounts of food . It wasn 't enough to offset what he had lost , but he was slowly getting used to eating food again . Joe was relieved to see that Adam was alive , but had hoped to see him looking better than he was . He wasn 't talking except to ask for what he needed and found it very difficult to look at any member of his family . Joe like his father and Hoss took that the wrong way . " He can 't blame us for not finding him sooner . We had no way of knowing he was being held captive by someone . Even if we did , we didn 't know where to look . " " I suppose so , Joe , but I guess ifn you was the one being held like that and thinkin ' on dying out there and getting all desperate and all , you might wonder where the heck your family was . Ya gotta remember too that he wasn 't all right in the head . He didn 't have enough food and water and he was near worked to death . " " I know . I feel bad about that , but I can see that Pa is feeling awful bad about how Adam is right now . You think we can leave for home in the morning ? " " I don 't see why not . Adam is up and around some now . He 's eating a little and he can take care of what he needs to take care of . The sooner we can get home now , the better . " " Well , at least he should be more comfortable now . I brought a keg of water , soap , two towels , some clean clothes , and as much food as I could get . There 's even a thin mattress rolled up in the back . " Smiling with the praise , Joe walked to where Adam was sitting silently next to the small fire . Ben stood and greeted Joe happy to see him and relieved that he was back safely . He had not wanted to have to send him out on such a mission so soon after having had to search for one lost son , but he was very pleased that he had completed his task so successfully . " Thank you , Joe . I heard what you told Hoss about what you were able to get . I 'm glad that everything worked out so well . " Joe raised an eyebrow wondering if his father had heard the earlier part of the exchange because then Adam had likely heard it too . He had forgotten how easily sound carried out in the desert . Ben pursed his lips and nodded slightly and looked at Adam whose head was down as it usually was . Joe sighed knowing that he had said things that had likely hurt his brother . He hadn 't meant to do that . It had only been his frustration that had caused him to vent a bit . He moved toward Adam and went down on one knee . " Adam , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean those things . It 's just that I 'm kind of frustrated . It was a tough few weeks worrying about you and thinking that maybe we would never find you . I tried so hard to find you , and then I had to wire Pa and Hoss to come help me . We tried and tried , but we couldn 't find you . I was so scared about that . Please forgive me for saying anything that might have hurt your feelings . I know none of this was your fault . " Adam looked up then and Joe was shocked to see that he was crying again . When Adam reached out for Joe , Joe naturally leaned in to hug his older brother . In a raspy voice , Adam choked out his confession . " Oh , Joe , none of this was your fault . I know that . It was all my fault . I made so many mistakes . I was a fool . I never should have shot my mouth off in Eastgate . I never should have left you . I shouldn 't have come out here alone especially with all that money . Then when I got robbed , I walked and walked and finally stumbled into Kane 's camp . I had no idea what I was getting myself into . When he said I could work for three days , and he would give me that mule to use , I should have known it was a trap . When he didn 't hold up his end of the bargain , I should have left . I should have found a way out before it got so bad that I was too weak to fight back . Oh , Joe , I heard Pa calling my name . Then I heard Hoss . I tried to call back . I did , but he knocked me down and then I passed out . When I woke up , it was the next day , and I never heard you calling again . I lost you and I thought I was lost , and it was all my fault . When you found me , I thought it was a dream . I didn 't know it was you , and I was so ashamed of the stupid fool that I had been . How can you stand being around me ? I 'm such a fool , such a stupid fool . " Shaking with heart - rending sobs , Adam leaned into Joe and let the pain of the previous weeks out . It was a catharsis that he needed . Joe held him even as he looked to his father for some guidance . He wasn 't sure what he should do . Ben came and knelt beside the two brothers putting his arms around both of them reassuring both that he loved them . He let Joe know that he was doing all that he could do , and let Adam know that he had his father 's love . As Adam 's sobs slowly diminished , Joe let him sit up and back . Then of course he responded as only Joe could . " Now you got my shirt all wet . I 'll need to put on a clean dry one before we get to the next town . I don 't want any pretty girls to see me in this one . " " Adam , every man on this earth has made mistakes . I know that I have . You can tell us more about what happened when you 're ready to talk about it , but I know my son , and I know that I am proud of him and I love him as much now as I ever did . You survived an ordeal that would have killed most men . You love your family , and you tried to save that man no matter what he did . You need to find a way to forgive yourself for whatever you think it is that you think you did that was wrong . We love you . I love you . Nothing will ever change that . Now , we need to fix ourselves a good meal , and get some rest . Tomorrow , we 're heading toward home . " Ben 's healing words began the process to bring Adam back to them , but it was a long process . He couldn 't forgive himself so easily . His standards for behavior had been set very high , and he judged other men by them as well . He found himself lacking in many ways and had to evaluate his behavior in each instance to see how he could have acted differently and what the likely results would have been . Finally , he determined that the only true mistake had been splitting up in Eastgate . Had he stayed there with Joe , none of the other mistakes would have occurred . Once he made that decision , the rest of the decisions followed an inexorable path toward near disaster . There didn 't seem to be a way out of the morass once he rode out of town alone . He and Hoss talked about what he had done in Eastgate and determined that they ought to find a better way to carry money in the future . Hoss was the one who provided the most silent support for him being there when he needed someone by his side as he thought or when he needed a hand on his shoulder or simply someone to reach out to touch as he struggled on the trail at night with his dreams and awoke drenched in sweat . Hoss was the one who made sure his bedroll was close enough to Adam so that he could reach out and touch him if he needed it . Adam of course complained a little about the snoring , but they knew he didn 't mind that much because it meant he knew that Hoss was close enough if he needed him . As they rode home , Adam reclined in the back of the wagon spending much of each afternoon sleeping the first two days . They found a nice spring on the second day which allowed all of them to bathe and shave , but of course Adam was the one who needed it the most . He reclined in the pool for a long time as his father washed his hair and helped him shave . He washed himself , and when he needed to get out , Hoss helped him . Then Hoss and Ben cleaned and bandaged his wrists once more . Before they left , they washed all their clothing too so they had clean clothing for the rest of the trip . It was the third day before Adam climbed up on the seat beside his father and began having some limited conversations about his ordeal explaining bits and pieces of it alternating with long periods of quiet contemplation . Ben had to try to piece together those pieces until he began to understand the situation in which Adam had been ensnared . It made him angry and he wished that somehow he could exact some justice from Kane , but the man was already dead . Kane had gotten his wish , but not in the way he had wanted it . He had failed to force Adam into committing a grievous wrong and dying a broken man , but he had come so very close to achieving his goal that Ben wondered if Adam would ever completely recover from the ordeal . On the fourth night when they were nearing the Ponderosa , it was a question by Hoss that got Adam talking more about what happened . " Adam , you were the one who done all the work . You were the one who didn 't get enough food and not enough water . You were the one who got hurt . Why were you dragging him through the desert ? Seems to me that he should have been pulling you on that travois . " It was the question that had been troubling Hoss as well as Ben and Joe because it made the least sense of everything that they knew . Adam paused before answering because it opened up the whole convoluted labyrinth of lies in which he had been trapped by Kane . He still didn 't understand all of it , and didn 't know how to explain all of it to his family , but he trusted them and thought that perhaps they could help him to understand it if anyone could . He decided to be straightforward and tell them what he could and hope that they could help him work out the intricacies of the perplexing mess in which he had been trapped . " You know that he told me that if I worked for him that I could take the mule and we could leave . You know that was a lie . He never intended to let me leave . What he intended was for me to kill him . He kept asking me if I was ready to kill him . He asked me early on if I thought I was a civilized man and if I thought a civilized man could be forced to kill a man . We talked about the murder case in Eastgate . His supposition was that any man could be driven to kill . He tried to do that to me . He did everything he could to try to break me physically and to break my spirit . He came close to doing it too . When I found out that he had water and food that he had hidden away , I was furious . He wanted to play a game over it . He wanted to make it a game of kill or be killed . I 'm assuming he thought I would win because I was so desperate for food and water that I would kill to get it . We were supposed to fight over a rifle with the winner shooting the loser . I refused to play . I attacked him and I was strangling him when I realized what I was doing was exactly what he wanted me to do , what he told me he could make me do . He said he won . I knew what he meant . I let him go and smashed that rifle to bits and then I grabbed the water and the food and left . " That had been so emotionally taxing that Adam had to pause . He dropped his head into his hands and took deep breaths shuddering as he did so . The campfire threw flickering light against him as Ben reached for him grasping his bicep with one hand and massaging his back with the other . After a few moments , Adam sighed and waited for the question he expected . " He yelled out that I was no better than those men that left me in the desert to die . He said that he still won . I was still killing him . I went back . When I did , he started laughing and then crying . He collapsed . I was the one who should have been collapsing but he was the one who fell apart . He laid there and said nothing and did nothing . I suppose a doctor might be able to tell you what happened to him . I don 't know . His eyes were open , he was breathing , and everything seemed normal enough , but it was like his mind was gone . He never moved on his own again and never said another word . He never even blinked his eyes again . I figured I would try to pull him out of the desert , and if it worked , doctors could take a look at him . He didn 't make it , but I don 't think he wanted to make it either . Can a person will themselves to die ? " Unable to understand why any living being would want to die when they could live , Hoss asked what he thought to be a logical question . " Why would he want to die ? All he had to do was to share the food and water with you and the two of you could a made it out of that desert alive . " " We could have but that was never what he wanted . Once he said to me that he thought that I was delivered to him . I wondered what he meant , but now I think I know . He wanted me to kill him and in that twisted mind of his , he thought I had been sent to him to do it . All he had to do was force me into the situation so that I would . He also told me once that he had failed before but he wouldn 't fail with me . My guess is that he tried with someone else and it didn 't work . He must have perfected his method and thought he would be able to make me kill him . " Joe snapped his fingers then getting everyone 's attention . " The man who kept Cochise and had Sport . The man who sold me the wagon and the supplies . He said there was a crazy old desert rat out there . Said he had a partner but the partner up and disappeared sometime in the past year . I bet he killed him . He said the crazy one always had a strange look in his eyes like a wolf sizing you up for dinner . He didn 't like him coming around . Said he hadn 't been there in months though . " " It makes sense . There were two sets of plates , cups , utensils . Two sets of blankets , bed rolls , canteens . Two chairs for the table . It did seem odd for one prospector to have that out there . " " I couldn 't let him turn me into an animal . I had to be true to myself and be a decent man . Hoss , could you let a man die when you had a chance to save him ? " " At that point , he didn 't give me any reason to abandon him . He lay there and did nothing . Once he stopped crying , he did nothing at all . I loaded him onto that travois and he never even moved . Maybe he was hurt too much from what I did , but I suppose there 's no way that I can ever know . " " I don 't know , Adam . I looked him over before I buried him . I couldn 't find any reason for him to be dead . I figured he must a been sick or something . Now I 'm guessing it must a been that thing you said . He made himself die out there cause he didn 't want to live . It 's a strange thing , ain 't it ? " The whole conversation was sobering , but it was cleansing for Adam . He had thought that he wouldn 't be able to tell his family so much . He had told them far more already than he thought he would ever be able to tell them . They didn 't judge him but tried to understand his predicament . He loved them more than he ever had knowing how they had searched for him and how they had offered him their unquestioning support when he had needed it so desperately . He knew there were some difficult times ahead but had more confidence now that he could lean on them for the help he needed . If Adam had been in better condition , they could have been home the next day . However , at the pace they were moving , it was going to be at least another full day before they could arrive at their home . It didn 't matter too much to Ben or to Hoss and Joe but Adam was feeling guilty about holding them up . He knew he had kept them away from the ranch and necessary work for weeks already , and Joe had been away for well over a month with the work they had done on the drive down to Eastgate . He knew they were doing all they could to help him , but he began to feel guilty about that too because he was needing so much of their time and their effort . Hoss of course set him straight on that as he moped around in the morning . " I know how you are , you know . I know that you 're thinking it ain 't right that you 're getting all this attention and that we 're taking the time away from the ranch to help you . I want you to remember what you done for me and what you done for Joe and for Pa whenever we needed your time and your attention . Don 't you be getting all high and mighty thinking you get to do that for us but we don 't get to do right by you when it 's our turn to help . " Ready to be angry at being chastised by his younger but much larger brother , Adam listened and heard the concern and the love in his words . He dropped his head and nodded . Hoss put a hand on his shoulder . " Didn 't mean to make ya feel bad . Just wanted you to remember that we 're all in this together . We do for each other , ya hear ? " " Ya want to try riding for a bit today ? That ornery horse of yours would like as not want to gallop on over the hills if ya gave him his head , but we 're heading up a steep grade this morning . He 'll have to behave himself . It 'd be a good time to test out your riding for a bit . Take some pressure off Pa too letting him concentrate on driving the wagon up that grade . " So another step occurred in Adam 's healing as he rode for over an hour that morning before taking his spot beside his father in the wagon once they made it up the grade and had a more level ride for the rest of the day . Hoss and Joe rode behind the wagon and gave each other satisfied looks . Adam seemed more himself that day and they hoped that meant the worst was over . Very late that afternoon , it was clear that it would be dark before they would reach the ranch house . They could stop at a line shack and continue on the next morning . With a familiar little crooked smile , Adam looked at his father when that suggestion was made . " I 'm not doing anything . I can lay down in the back if I get too tired to sit . If you can do it at your age , I can manage . " Without turning around , Ben knew that Hoss and Joe were grinning behind him . The gibe about his age was exactly the kind of thing that Adam would have said before all of this happened . He responded as he would have before too . " I could do this at your age and I can do this at my age . I could do this twenty years from now . You just watch me do this . " Ben snapped the reins causing Adam to grab the side of the seat to hang on . He kept smiling though . It felt good to do something so normal and have such a normal reaction to it . Ben 's heart rate was probably double though as he did it and Adam grabbed for a handhold . He knew he had to do it but it scared him . Once they were moving and Adam leaned against him , he relaxed . He also slowed the team to a more normal pace and everyone relaxed . When they reached the ranch house , Hoss was there to help Adam from the wagon and then Ben walked beside him as he walked to the house on his own but a bit unsteadily . They moved into the house and directly to a chair without wiping their boot or brushing any of the trail dust from their clothing . Hop Sing was there to chastise them but he stopped midsentence when he realized Adam 's condition . Then he welcomed Adam home before scurrying off to the kitchen with a promise to be right back . He kept his promise with a cup of tea , and a plate of two biscuits with ham and a fresh baked cookie . " Hop Sing , thank you . This is just right . I 'm very tired . I think I 'll go to bed as soon as I finish this but the rest of the family would certainly appreciate a good meal . They haven 't had anything except beans and bacon for several days now . " Hop Sing noticed the bandages around Adam 's wrists , the weight loss , that he was wearing Mr . Ben 's clothing , and the haunted look yet about his eyes , but he said nothing . He knew he would find out soon enough . For now , he would accept what Mr . Adam said . He nodded and headed back to the kitchen to fix a good meal for his family . Savoring every bite of his small sandwiches , Adam ate slowly . He sipped his tea and was eating his cookie when Hoss and Joe came in after tending to the horses . Hoss smelled the scent of ham in the air . Hop Sing came out then with a second cup of tea for Adam . " This help you sleep . Drink it all . Then you can go up to your bed . I keep your room ready for you return . " " No more ham . You get beef stew left over from dinner . " Hoss ' shoulders slumped and Hop Sing couldn 't help himself and grinned . " And fresh pork chops frying up right now with fried apples . " The interchange brought a slight smile to Adam 's face but not the grin that would have been more of a relief to his family . They watched as he finished his meal and quietly bid them good night and slowly climbed the stairs to go to bed . Adam had rarely ever shed any tears and to have him break down sobbing twice in the past week , to have him so weak , and now to have him so devoid of his usual sense of humor was worrisome . When Hop Sing called the three men to dinner in a much more subdued voice than normal , it fit the somber tone of the evening . Hoss was very hungry but found the food didn 't taste as good as he thought it would . " We 'll give him time to heal . He 'll tell us more of what happened to him out there but I think we already know most of it . He 'll come to terms with it in his own way . I 'd like Doctor Martin to take a look at him but you know what he 'll say about that . We need supplies so in a couple of days , I 'll head to town and I think I 'll stop in and see Paul and talk to him about what I know and see what he can tell me . Maybe he can shed some light on what we know so far and what we should do . Meanwhile , we shouldn 't expect too much of Adam . Let 's be careful around him and not do anything to upset him . " When Ben made that trip to town , Paul wasn 't in . He was out seeing to a patient , and Ben didn 't get to see him for another week . By then , Adam was physically stronger but Ben kept him around the house doing light chores and helping with the books and contracts . He was reluctant to let him do anything that took him away from the ranch house . Adam was getting edgy and short with everyone that Ben took as evidence that his recovery was not going well . On his next trip to town , he made a point of tracking down Paul and finally was able to sit down with him for an extended conversation detailing everything that had happened up to the last few days on the ranch and Adam 's sour disposition . " Well , first of all , I think I can answer your question about Mr . Kane . No , I don 't think that Adam imagined any of that . I believe it could have happened exactly as he described it to you . In the War , that kind of thing happened to many men . It even happens out here sometimes to men who are caught in a battle with Indians . There 's no name for the condition yet , but men sometimes ended up like that after a fight or a battle . We don 't know why . They 're in a stupor and do not respond at all sometimes . Sometimes they die if they can 't be coaxed to eat and drink . In the situation in which Adam had to contend , it 's not a surprise that the man died . As for Adam and why he 's in such a sour mood , your efforts to treat him so well and protect him are well intentioned but probably not the best method of getting him back to normal . You 're not treating him normally so he can 't feel normal . He needs to be treated like the old Adam to feel like the old Adam . If he 's physically healthy again , you need to trust him and let him do what he did before . " " You 're afraid for him . He suffered so much and you 're afraid because you don 't want him to suffer again . Ben , you can tell him that , but don 't let it stop him from living his life . Let him go . You 're hurting him by trying too hard to protect him . He won 't hurt you by fighting you on this after you rescued him . He 's too grateful to do that , but at the same time , he can 't help lashing out at the ties that bind him . Adam has always been very independent . It has gotten him into trouble at times , but he needs that freedom . Give that back to him . Kane took it away from him . If he 's going to heal , he needs that piece of himself back again . " " Ben , I know that may sound odd to you , but yes , that 's exactly what I 'm saying . Hoss and Joe will watch out for him . You know they will , but they won 't be the mother hen that you are . He 'll be more comfortable working with them and that will let him relax back into his more natural role in the family . " Ben thanked Paul for the advice and thought about it on the ride home suffering through a rain shower on the way . It was needed but like the advice he had gotten from Paul , it was a bit difficult to take under the circumstances . On the ranch , it was much the same with his three sons . Hoss and Joe had been trying to do some branding which became impossible with the rain . They told the men to keep rounding up cows and calves but then to take a break for the rest of the afternoon until the rain let up . They would try to finish the branding the next day but knew it would be a long hard day . When they rode into the yard of the ranch house , they found that Adam was standing in the shelter of the forge instead of fixing the corral gate and the horse trough . Joe dismounted and immediately began complaining . " No , he gave me those two things on top of a list of about ten other things that he already had . I haven 't been able to get to most of them because of the rain or because he isn 't back yet with the supplies I need . And who put you in charge of me anyway ? " " It isn 't you . " Adam had walked up to Joe and was ready to fight . That much was clear . It seemed equally clear that Joe was in a mood to trade punches if it came down to that . " Like what ? Like a normal person ? Why is that , Hoss ? You think he can 't talk to me like a man any more ? " Adam turned his attention to Hoss who had bent down to wash mud from his hands under the hand pump . " Don 't turn away from me . " So Hoss let Adam go and he fell halfway into the horse trough getting as wet as Hoss was . Joe began to giggle , and Adam stood up as Hoss stood wondering if he should be worried or if he could laugh . Adam slapped him on the shoulder and began laughing so Hoss laughed in response . " Joseph ! " Joe turned to his father but saw Adam pick up a clump of mud and prepare to throw it . Joe ducked and Adam 's mudball hit Ben . Ben put his hands on his hips and glared at Adam for just a moment , bent down and picked up a clump of mud , whirled and fired it at Joe shocking his youngest and sending Adam and Hoss into fits of laughter as they leaned on each other releasing some of the tension that had built up over the past week . Then the great mudball fight , that was talked about for many years in the family , was on . By the time it was over , there were grins that showed white teeth but little else that was clean in any of the faces . Hop Sing came out on the porch to tell them not to come anywhere near ' his ' house in that condition . They laughed and one - by - one stepped into the horse trough to rinse the worst of the mud from their clothing and their bodies and then stripped on the front porch walking into the washroom of the house in their longjohns except for Joe and Adam who weren 't wearing any to take baths . Later that night sitting in front of the fireplace after Hoss and Joe had gone to bed , Adam was staring into the fireplace . Ben put down his newspaper . " Tomorrow , I thought you could help Hoss and Joe with the branding . Then next week , we have that small drive to Reno . I thought that you and Hoss could handle it because Joe has a horse contract to finish for the Army . When you get back , we need some trees marked up at the timber camp . It won 't take more than a week or so . How does that sound ? " " I was thinking about what Kane kept asking me out there . He wanted to know if I thought I was a better man than him . That doesn 't matter though . What I realize is that crucible out there made me face things in myself that I needed to face , and made me forge a new relationship with my family that I know can never be broken no matter where I am . It was a terrible experience , but I 'm a better man because of it . " " You were a good man before , and you 're a good man now . I 'm proud of you , son . I 'm glad to have you home again . " Catatonia is a condition marked by changes in muscle tone or activity associated with a large number of serious mental and physical illnesses but most often is associated with violent schizophrenia . In catatonic stupor the individual experiences a deficit of motor activity that can render him / her motionless . In catatonic stupor , motor activity may be reduced to zero with the person making no response to any stimuli . Even today , the cause of catatonia is unknown although there are a number of successful treatments . The name of the condition was first used in 1874 although it was described well before that in a number of medical journals and in the United States especially in the treatment of soldiers in the Civil War . May 13 , 2017 at 5 : 12 pm Your writing is just incredible . The description is so wonderful . You never take a short cut and fill in every detail . Always so intense . Your writing is always worth the read . May 13 , 2017 at 9 : 40 pm Thank you so much . The Crucible was so intense but left so many questions unanswered . It needed a sequel and I did my best to provide one . September 17 , 2015 at 5 : 15 pm Thank you so much . This was a story I wanted to write for some time and should have written , but I guess waiting helped the ideas develop more . SO many viewers have had questions about The Crucible and have writers have addressed the issues . I 'm very glad you liked my effort to answer some of the questions left unanswered by the episode . September 1 , 2015 at 11 : 23 pm Thank you so much . There were questions about that episode that had bugged me for years , and I decided to answer them . I 'm glad you liked the results . Reply Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Time limit is exhausted . Please reload CAPTCHA . This website is officially licensed by Bonanza Ventures . The name BONANZA is a registered trademark of Bonanza Ventures and is used with permission . Bonanza Ventures is not responsible for the content of this web site , and any opinions expressed are the opinions of individuals and not Bonanza Ventures . Read More |
Dear Mom , Here we are right now sitting downstairs on this New Years Eve watching Animal Planet 's Too Cute ! Puppies . Today was definitely different from yesterday . We got up and had breakfast . I went back to relax a little , then got up . I wanted to go to the grocery store to get some sparkling grape juice . We always celebrate with that . When I told you I was thinking of going out , you asked if you could come because you didn 't want to just stay at home . Of course I was planning on you coming with me . Then I also prepared myself for the next question . . . you of course asked if Bella could come . So we all got ready and got in the car . I went to get ice cream , which was buy one get one free . Then I ran into my friend Diane . We have known each other since I was in Elementary , you also know the family well , but when I mentioned to you that I saw her you didn 't remember her . She was there shopping with her two gorgeous kids . We talked for a little bit , then her little 3 year old started getting a little restless , so we wished each other a Happy New Year and both went to finish our shopping . I found the sparkling grape juice and they were 2 for $ 6 , so of course I HAD to get two ! Then I just thought I would look at the cereal , I don 't normally get it from the grocery store because it 's too expensive . But they had my favorite , Special K with chocolate bits , for 2 for $ 5 ! Yay ! Then I finally went to go check out . There were a lot of people in the store , but I went to self checkout and didn 't have to wait long at all . When I got back to the car , I teased you that your people were in the store buying up the black eyed peas and collard greens . You just gave me a look , but I reminded you that when pappy was alive that was what you always did . We went one other place , then headed back home . I had cereal and you had your peanut butter and jelly sandwich . You went to get your bath and get your pj 's on , and I went to play with the Wii . You came down a little later to watch me . We had a few good laughs then . You kept saying that you Posted by What a day ! It started fine . I got up , took Bella out , got clothes out on the curb for Hartsprings , got back in bed for a little bit , then we got up and had breakfast . Just as we were finishing up , the homemaker / companion came . I was just about to wash the dishes , but she offered to do it , which was nice . You ended up going into your room somehow , so when she was done , I ended up getting stuck listening to her talk for just about 2 hours straight ! This is only her third day here , and she is very nice , but all she has seemed to do each time is talk . . . lots ! ! You kept looking in the kitchen from your room and waving at me . I think you were trying to get me to tell her to leave . You even came in at one point and said , " OK , come on , Stacey , we need to go . " Then you winked at me . I asked you where we were going to go , you said you didn 't know , but we always went somewhere . The only thing is we couldn 't just leave , she was here for you ! That 's when I started to struggle . I was dying in the kitchen , trying to hold Bella as she kept squirming trying to get to the homemaker , or at least just keep her eyes on her . She was whimpering and panting and constantly moving , and the homemaker was just constantly talking , and then you were in your room waving and looking into the kitchen . I was pretty much ready to scream . I tried to tell you to come in the kitchen , but you wouldn 't , but you were still getting impatient . Then there was a little reprieve when there was a knock at the door . When I went to answer it , it was one of your old friend , Bea , who came to see you . I wasn 't sure if you would remember her . I told you to come into the kitchen because a friend was here to see you . You came in and I asked if you remembered her , your eyes brightened and you said you did . You gave her and her sister or friend . . . not quite sure , a hug . Then you invited them to come sit in the living room . She asked if you remembered her sisters , again you said you did , and she told you they were out in the car . You told her to have them come in . She wePosted by Today is pappy 's birthday . He would have been 78 . I don 't think you remembered at all , but I didn 't want to bring it up because I didn 't want you to be more sad . You have seemed pretty sad lately at some points . It breaks my heart to see you that way . But I have been very sad , too this holiday season . It 's just hard not to really be able to share it with you . Christmas night we did sit in the living room for a little while with the tree lit and Bella in between us , just enjoying some time together , and talking a little about pappy . You said you were thinking of him and were sad . I told you , as I have told you many other times , it was OK to cry . I was . I just rested my head on your shoulder , and we sat that way for a while . I gave you a kiss on the cheek and told you how much I loved you . I can 't help but wonder sometimes what things would be like if he were still here . And not only just if he were here , but if he were here and healthy . He wasn 't healthy before he passed away , but before the leukemia and diabetes took over his body he was the strongest , most healthy man I knew . He probably could have lived to a good age . How different would things be ? Would the cars and care of the cars be different / better ? Would the house inside and out look different ? Would things that are broken already be fixed ? Would you even be suffering with this disease if he were still here ? Would you be struggling as much getting around , or would you have been spending time with him , getting out , walking and talking with people , still active ? Would you still have been teaching Sunday School ? One thing I know would have been different . . . . we definitely NEVER would have had our sweet little Bella . Pappy would never have allowed that ! You wouldn 't have either , but you were a little easier to convince than he ever would have been . It is hard to have him gone , especially around this time of year . So many memories and thoughts going through my mind . But he wasn 't well , he was sick and getting very weak . It was breaking my heart how weak he seemPosted by We had a wonderful Christmas yesterday ! There was so much that we did that I will share later , but right now I just had to post this ! I loved watching you and Bella open your gifts , it made me smile so much ! I was taking pictures and decided to take a couple of videos , too . This is my favorite memory from yesterday , and I am so glad I got it on video . Bella had opened one of her gifts and was having a great time with it . As we were watching her , some jazzy song came on the Holiday music channel we were listening too , and the result was this great video . You are probably going to be so embarrassed that I am showing this , but it is too cute ! I hope anyone who sees it will enjoy it as much as I do ! I love this ! ! ! ! And I love you ! Dear Mom , Yes , we celebrated Bella 's birthday yesterday . We got her cake from Leaps and Bones , which makes wonderful goodies for dogs . They use all natural ingredients . I love that place . Bella loves their goodies , and oddly enough . . . so do you ! Her cake was I think carob and some other ingredients , then had frosting on top and some type of seeds spread around the side . I cut the cake into pieces , so I could give Bella small pieces each night the next few nights . We had our dessert with her . As we were cleaning up , I noticed your mouth was full again . I asked what you were eating , I thought you had already finished your ice cream and cupcake . Of course you had , that 's why we were cleaning up . So you apparently figured you would also give Bella 's cake a try and stuffed one of the pieces in your mouth . Wow , now I have to have a new plan of action when I get things from Leaps and Bones . You ate one of her apple turnovers a couple of months ago and now you were eating her cake . I 'll have to buy a couple and be sure to at least hide one for Bella if you 're going to eat them from her . You were definitely enjoying it ! I guess that 's what grandma 's do sometimes . At least it 's healthy . : ) Love you ! Dear Mom , Don 't get confused , I know just 3 days ago I had 3 years and counting as the title . Well , that was for how long Bella has been with us / our family . But the 7 years is the number of years our sweet Bella has been alive . Yes , she is 7 years old today . We had a nice day ! We went to Evergreen Walk . We had to head to Leaps and Bones so we could get Bella 's cake for her birthday . She loves the wonderful things they have at that store and she loves their cakes . We walked around a bit , but not long after you were ready to go back to the car . We walked back and made sure you got in , then Bella and I did some more walking . I couldn 't get her to stop . She loves being there , walking around , seeing the people , going into some of the stores , enjoying the smells , and getting noticed . There were a few people that wanted to pet her , and she indulged them each for a few seconds a piece . She really just wanted to be roaming around sniffing everything . She was having a great time and did not want to get back in the car yet . Finally I was able to get her to come back to the car and we were able to head home . Not long after we got home , your brother , Junie came over to see you . Bella loved that , she was able to sit on his lap the entire time , getting more spoiled than she already is . And of course she was very unhappy when he had to leave . After my class tonight , we sang to Bella and gave her part of her cake . We had ice cream and cupcakes to join in the celebration with her . She was definitely spoiled today , but isn 't that pretty much how it is everyday ? I think so ! Fun times ! Good memories ! Love you ! Dear Mom , You gave me a bit of a rough time tonight . I know I shouldn 't take it the wrong way , but I wasn 't very happy with you . We had a great day , enjoying some time at the mall . I knew you would like to get out and you could sit and watch people while I did a little shopping . I found a place near the little train that kids can ride and across the way from Santa . I figured you would enjoy sitting and watching those things . I got a couple of things for you , then came back to get you . We went across the way to look at the new cupcake bakery . I had to get some for us ! You wanted the princess one with pink frosting . We walked a little more , then I let you sit again , as I checked out another place . We finally got ready to go , I asked you if you wanted to eat out or get something and bring it home . You said you just wanted to bring something home . It was after 3 at that time , so that was fine . I figured we could go to Sonics . I had some coupons , but when I got in the car and looked for them , I realized I had taken them out because Uncle Cephus was working on the car . So I had taken some things out of it . I was disappointed , but still just decided to just go there . Foolishly when I got there I not only got our meals , but for some odd reason also decided to get ice cream sundaes for us . We already had the cupcakes and didn 't need the ice cream , but I ordered it . We got home and ate . We had our ice cream sundaes right after so they wouldn 't melt or get too hard in the freezer . We enjoyed it . But it was only a bit after 4 when we ate , so I knew you would end up wanting something else later . You have been eating a lot lately . At about 7 : 30 when I was in the living room trying to get a little nap in , you were in there too , but you woke me up by saying you were going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich . I should have just let you do that , but I wanted you to have something healthier . I told you you could / should have the rest of the roasted veggies I had made the other day . You really liked them ! I put them in the ovenPosted by Dear Mom , 3 years ago today I was a very excited girl ! I had a surprise for you that you had no clue about . . . that at the time you would not have wanted to have a clue about . You would not have been very happy with me if you knew the surprise I had coming for us . I went to school for the half day before Christmas break . We were going to be having our Christmas Around the World party in our classroom and exchange gifts . I had another gift that I was waiting for and truly looking forward to . . . a gift that I had actually waited 20 + years for . At one point during the party I heard that my gift was going to be coming . One of the Sr . High girls told me she was coming in with it . I went to meet her in the hallway because I was so excited to see . . . not it , but her ! Her name was Bella and she was the most precious , sweet , and adorable 4 year old Maltese ever . I started tearing up when I saw her . I couldn 't believe I actually , FINALLY had a dog . It wasn 't just the fact that we now had a dog , but also the fact that we got her 11 months to the day after pappy had passed away . That was such a special , neat blessing . I finished up at school and went to Petco to get a few things . . . and if I am going to be honest . . . to kinda show her off . I have always wanted to do that . : ) Then it was home to introduce her to you . I was quite nervous to bring her home , because you do not like animals at all and have always told me never to bring a dog into the house . You and pappy never allowed anything other than fish or newts , and then as I started teaching you didn 't mind the gerbils I brought home . I guess as long as it was in a tank of some kind you were OK . Well , I brought her home and you looked at her and wondered whose dog she was . I told you she was ours , but you didn 't really believe me , you thought I was joking and that I was just dog sitting for her like I have done for other dogs . I told you that someone wanted us to have her and she was ours and showed you all of her things that I had with me . You didn 't seem too thrilled , but didn 't saPosted by Dear Mom , I was home with you on Wednesday because I was going to be taking you to an appointment with one of your cancer doctors . I was so excited for the chance to sleep in a little . We had breakfast and I got ready . We left the house probably around quarter to eleven , so we would have plenty of time to get there . We got to the hospital at about 11 : 05 or a little after . I went to go into the parking area , but the gate was closed and it wouldn 't open . So , I had to back up and go around to the front where I could let you off and find a place to park , or have the valet guys park the car . I definitely was not going to leave you , but I also did not have any change to pay the valet . I had to wait a while for one of them to come back so I could ask about the parking . One finally did come back and I asked about the gated parking place . I told him that this was where I had been told to park , instead of in the parking garage , because it was closer in that lot . I don 't think he really understood everything I was asking or trying to say , but he told me to go ahead and he controlled the gate to go up when we got there . I got through , but the parking lot was so crowded . I had to be very careful and finally found a place near the end of the lot to park . By this time we were almost late , if not already late . I got to the desk and told them you had an appointment to see Dr . Davis . The lady at the desk then told me I was at the wrong place . . . ugh . I felt awful , you had walked all that way and now you were having to walk back again . I was also a bit stressed at this point because we were definitely late now . We got back in the car , carefully drove out of that lot and went down the street . At first I missed the right driveway , had to turn around and get back to the right one . There were no close places and we weren 't in our car so I didn 't have your handicapped tag . When we got in the office it was quite full , and there were no chairs together . One nice lady switched her seat so mom and I could sit together . The nice thing is they aPosted by Dear Mom , I 'm still getting used to this disease and how it affects you . Sometimes I think I am getting it down some , then something new or different comes up and I realize I really have no clue . . . at all . I 'm still learning , though . I realized this on Sunday morning when you were getting ready for church . You were putting on the same outfit that you wear around the house everyday . You have worn that to church lately , and it 's not a problem , but today we were also going to another church to celebrate my cousin , your nephew , Terry 's ordination as a deacon . We would be seeing much of our family later . I knew you would want to look nice for this special occasion . I decided to try to help you choose something a little nicer to put on , not because I cared if you wore the other outfit , but I knew you would be more comfortable , and you would probably give me a hard time later if I hadn 't chosen something nice for you . Here 's the part where I 'm still learning . I pulled out two different outfits for you to decide which one you wanted to wear . There was a nice red sweater with a red , white , and black skirt . I wasn 't sure if you would want to wear that skirt because it was chillier out and the skirt wasn 't that heavy . So , I also took out a nice black and white jumper with a pretty black and white sweater with a scarf to match . I put the two outfits out for you and told you you could choose which one you wanted to wear . You mentioned maybe wearing the jumper and black and white sweater . I told you that was fine . I was heading back to my room to get ready for church myself . Before I left you asked me what you should wear . I again told you and showed you the two choices . I was in my room getting ready and you called me to come help you . You asked if you should wear the red sweater . I told you that you could and you asked if you were supposed to wear it with the jumper . I told you you could , but that I had taken out the black and white sweater to go with it . So then you thought of wearing the skirt that I chose with that sweater . Posted by Dear Mom , Oh what a night , and it has nothing to do with late December back in ' 63 . Earlier this evening we went to go see your nephew , my cousin , be ordained as a deacon in his church . Many of the family were there , his mom , uncle and sisters from Georgia even came up to be a part of this . It was a nice service , but we didn 't get to stay for all of it because I had to go back to my church to be a part of a Christmas singspiration we were having . I tried to get you to come over to the church with me . I thought you might like just sitting and singing Christmas hymns and songs and having some cookies and hot chocolate . Plus my little kids that I have in my Pee Wee 's class were going to be singing 3 songs and I thought you would enjoy hearing them . I couldn 't quite convince you to come , you wanted to get home to Bella . So , I had to bring you home and then head right over to the church . I made sure you got into the house safely , but left so Bella wouldn 't see me . I knew she would get too excited if she did . I checked to see that you were in with the door shut before I took off . I made it to church in plenty of time . I helped get the pastor 's boys set up downstairs at a table , while their mom brought the little sister to the nursery . I sat with them and waited until Pastor and Megan came down , then stayed at the same table with them . We sang a couple Christmas hymns , then the Pee Wees went up to sing their three songs . They were so cute and did a great job . My only regret was not taking video or having someone else take a video of them as I had planned . They were so adorable , though ! One of the songs Pastor wanted to be sure the whole sang was " Jingle Bells " , so we sang " Jingle Bells " and Mr . Glenn had everyone take out their car keys to be the jingling bell sound ! There was more special music from our Youth Director and his wife and the choir . Pastor Tom read the Christmas story to the kids that were there , while they sat on the floor around him . It was so sweet ! We sang many wonderful songs . It was so sweet to sing thPosted by Dear Mom , This past Saturday we went to Hometown Buffet for breakfast with the family . We do that sometimes , but I wasn 't quite sure what the occasion was this time . We got there and got in the long line with Uncle Cephus and Auntie Ann . I was worried about you standing in that line for a while and kept checking to see if you wanted to go sit down . Some of the family had already gotten there and had saved some tables . Of course you said you were fine and did not want to go sit down . So , I just kept a close eye on you to make sure you would be fine . Not long after standing there I heard someone calling to Uncle Cephus from behind us in line . I turned around to see my cousin Lou standing there , I was so surprised ! ! It didn 't really faze you at all , but she is from Georgia , and we had no idea she was here . So were Auntie Alberta and Uncle George , your brother and sister - in - law , and a couple of other cousins . As I turned around to see them all , it brought tears to my eyes ! Dad 's brother is 88 and his sister is 87 , the last time we saw them was at the family reunion a couple of years ago in Georgia . So much has changed since then . I think you did sort of recognize them , but not enough to be as excited and shocked as I was . I was just so glad to see them . I made sure to get some pictures , because who knows what will change before the next time we see them . A little later some of Auntie Alberta 's grandchildren and great grandchildren also came in . We took up about 8 or 9 tables with the family and that wasn 't even close to being all of them . It was great to see all of pappy 's siblings that are still alive together again . It was so special . You ate very well and did seem to enjoy yourself . And of course , after you were done with your breakfast , you were ready to have your ice cream . So . . . . I made sure to get you some . So you were set . What a great time ! Auntie Alberta with her sister - in - law Doris , and brother - in - law and sister Cephus and AnnFamilyCousin Debbie with her great nieceCousin Lou with her granddaughterCousinsYouPosted by Dear Mom , It 's Christmas time again . I can 't believe it 's here again , I love this time of year ! I must say it 's been a little hard this year , really missing pappy so much more this year for some reason , and having you be even a little more different than even last year . But you definitely have this childlike innocence and excitement . I decided to do what I did last year , by putting the old Christmas tree upstairs , while I kept our new one downstairs , since that 's the one we put the presents under . So , right after Thanksgiving , I pretty much just dragged the old tree upstairs and put it in the living room . It is one of those pre - lit trees , so I just added a few ornaments to it . I hadn 't even finished putting ornaments on it yet . But you have been raving about that tree ! You sit in the living room and just praise me for doing such a great job on the tree . You ask me how I got all the lights put on it and I tell you they already came on the tree , which seems to impress you even more . You tell me you didn 't know that , but of course you do since you were there when we chose it years ago . I almost think if you knew how you would call the local station to have them come over and check out our amazing tree . You keep talking about people coming over so they can see it . You even told your sister who is from Virginia , that she needs to come see the tree . That would be a long trip to see a pre - lit , slightly crooked , barely decorated tree , that has bare spots from where I haven 't or haven 't been able to fluff it back out so it looks full ! But I 'm very glad you like it so much . Sometimes you just sit in the living room to enjoy it . I did finally buy some different blinged - out ornaments to put on the tree . So , it 's sort of getting there , but if you love it . . . . well that 's good enough for me . I decorated the tree downstairs a little more to my liking . Since it is another pre - lit tree , but this one with white lights , I can find neat colors to decorate with . A friend from church decorated her tree in purple this year , she recently bePosted by Dear Mom , It has been pretty rough lately . I think I 'm just tired and run down . The running around has definitely started again . And you have become a bit more clingy , which for some reason has become hard for me . Whether it 's coming into the living room while I am trying to get a little nap in , to " talk " to me . Or whether it 's coming downstairs to sit for a little while with me while I try to relax , get on the computer , and watch some TV . It usually doesn 't last long because you love your Hallmark channel and I am usually watching something else that you get tired of sooner or later . But while you 're down here I am not able to write these notes to you , or other things because I can 't use the computer . You have been wanting to go with me more if I am going someplace or getting something quickly , you want to come at least just sit in the car . So , maybe it 's just losing a little of that independence that I was used to having that is hard for me . I also think part of it is emotions . This year for some reason , more than the past couple of years , I have really been missing pappy . Last week , during Thanksgiving break , I was playing bowling on the Wii , and I did a certain move that reminded me of him . You know that was his game and he was great at it . He would do this little move to the side and kinda let out a little " oohh " , as he hoped to make a spare . That 's what I did . Lou Rawls came on the radio singing a Christmas song the other night and I choked up remembering how everyone used to say pappy looked like him . I heard Ray Charles singing " The Spirit of Christmas " , again it brought me to tears . The first time I heard that song , I have to say , I kinda didn 't like it and made fun of it . But the other night I just enjoyed his distinctive voice , and the sweet message of the song . It reminded me of when I was little and pappy gave me his 8 - track player and one of the 8 - track tapes was Ray Charles , and my favorite song was " Sittin ' on the Dock of the Bay " . Such memories . I have heard some other Christmas songs talking of Posted by Dear Mom , Happy Thanksgiving ! Yes , can you believe it ? It 's already Thanksgiving ! Of course you have been watching the Hallmark Channel all the time and they have been doing all Christmas shows , so you thought it was already over . This morning as we ate breakfast and watched the Thanksgiving Day Parade , you probably asked me 5 or 6 times if it was Thanksgiving . So , 5 or 6 times I told you yes , yes it is Thanksgiving . We enjoyed our breakfast of cereal , egg sandwich , and even a piece of cream cheese filled braided bread . We both really enjoyed it , and both snuck a little extra piece after . We relaxed for a little bit , then got ready to go meet Auntie Ann and Uncle Cephus at Hometown Buffet . We got there about the same time as cousin Karen , and Uncle Cephus , Auntie Ann , and Yvonne were already inside the door waiting for us . We went in and were surprised that the line was as long as it was . The place was pretty crowded . You weren 't feeling up to walking around and just wanted me to get your food for you . You ate well ! You had chicken , lasagna , sweet potatoes , macaroni and cheese , and a roll . When you finished that plate , I asked you if you wanted something else and you said a little something . So for your second round you had a slice of pizza and a cinnamon roll . Although I 'm not the biggest fan of Hometown Buffet , I was just glad to eat some things that I liked . Since I 'm not the biggest turkey eater . I had pizza , lasagna , fish , sweet potatoes , french fries , and a roll . On my second round , I had more fish , and some tortillas with meat , cheese , pico de gallo and corn and onions on top . By then , I was pretty full . You said you were too , but must have mentioned 2 or 3 times that you wanted your ice cream ! You are so funny ! No matter how full you are you have to have your ice cream . I got you ice cream and some apple strudel . I had the cherry pie with some ice cream . By then we were definitely stuffed . We had such a great time with the family . . . so many laughs ! At one point in the meal you were getting a little warm , I Posted by Dear Mom , You truly are amazing ! Thursday and we were still in the dark and in the cold house , but you were still doing fine . The other day that we didn 't go to Evergreen Walk was Friday . My friend Sharan invited us to come over again . This time they were going to be home . I figured you wouldn 't mind since we had already been over there once . You sort of remembered the house . Sharan was so great ! She also invited me to bring over any laundry that we might have . That was a huge blessing , since I had been having you wear double pj 's , when you had an accident that was two pairs of pj 's that had to go in the laundry . Thank goodness , I think you only had two accidents , but I didn 't know what I was going to do if you had any more . I was trying to figure out what I was going to do about laundry . How silly of me to worry , when the Lord already knew what we needed , and had it taken care of . It was also great because Thursday late afternoon you had another type of accident that we kept contained as much as possible . It didn 't get on your clothes , but since you had been keeping your gloves on those got messed up . The only other things that were affected were the bathroom rugs . It was rough for me to handle , but I was able to somehow handle it with the Lord 's help . He was so good . So what a blessing to be able to do laundry on Friday ! We brought Bella with us again , and her children kept Bella entertained while we took our showers . After our showers , we still had to wait for the clothes , so we were able to sit , relax , watch TV , and fellowship with Sharan . Her daughter made us some hot chocolate . You loved it . . . loved it so much that they made you another cup . After that cup you had the nerve to ask me if I had finished mine , I told you you could have it . You tried to pretend that you didn 't , but it didn 't take much convincing for you to drink the rest of mine . Hey , as long as you were happy . : ) Saturday and Sunday were a little more of the same . The only thing that was different was that when we came home from Evergreen Walk oPosted by Dear Mom , The power outage from Storm Alfred lasted longer than we could have ever imagined ! Yet , you wanted to stay home and not go anywhere else . Your sister and brother were concerned that it was too cold for you to stay home . But we enjoyed more days like Monday . Almost every day that week we went to Evergreen Walk to get warm and walk around . It was so great to see you get out and walk , to see you getting some sun , to see you engaging with people ! The only days we didn 't go to Evergreen Walk were Wednesday and Friday . On those days we went to my friend Sharan 's house . She invited us over to be able to take showers . Wednesday they weren 't home and just let us have the house to shower . Even though they weren 't home , they have a new kitty Chloe who was . We brought Bella with us and when she saw Chloe , she just wanted to get at her . It was pretty funny ! I 'm sure we looked a sight as we went into their house . I had Bella on the leash , a bag with our bath things in it , a lawn chair , and then I was helping you with your cane try to get up the stairs to this house . I brought the lawn chair because at home you have a bath chair . You don 't stand for long and you can 't get all the way down in the tub , so . . . . lawn chair . So thankful the Lord helped me think of that ! We got wonderful hot showers , then were getting dressed to be ready to go . The bathroom was getting too hot and crowded for me . So , I took Bella out to sit in the hallway while you finished getting ready . Well , Chloe had come to check on us and see what we were doing . She was in a clothes basket , and when she saw Bella straining to get near her , she jumped up and tried to take a swipe at her . I had to laugh , she was letting Bella know she wasn 't going to be intimidated by her . I opened the door so you could watch them too . We got some good laughs and entertainment watching them . You went to sit out in the hall to wait for me as I cleaned the bathroom . When I looked back out in the hallway at you , you somehow ended up with both Bella and Chloe on your lap , it wPosted by Dear Mom , I have to take a little side track from Storm Alfred , because I don 't want to forget this . Last week we were traveling to Auntie Ann and Uncle Cephus ' house . While on the highway , we were listening to a Christian song on the radio . The lady in the song was singing a song where it repeated words such as , enfold me , refresh me , uphold me , embrace me , and a few other things like that . After hearing her repeat those words a few times you looked over at me and said with such a serious face , " She 's asking for so much ! " I burst out laughing , you started laughing really hard . You said , " Well she is ! " Hahaha That was just so classic and you really shocked me by coming out with that . . . laughed so hard ! Oh you make me laugh . . . and I love that ! I love you ! Dear Mom , I know I already talked about this a little , but there were so many other neat memories I wanted to share . The craziness that started October 29 lasted for a much longer time than we could have ever expected . It was a crazy snow storm that came , with lots of wet , heavy snow , and wind , which brought down many branches , but many trees as well . We didn 't realize that until we started driving around more that week . As I said , Sunday , I had to go get gas for the car so I could keep my cellphone charged , since that was our only source of communication . I didn 't even consider what a big deal that was to get gas , until I got into the line . There were only about two cars in front of me , but one of the cars had about 5 gas containers that they also needed to fill . Thankfully there were people with this lady to help her fill the containers at another pump . As I was waiting , one of the gas attendants told another one to wave people on because there was no more gas . That worried me a little , but when I got up there I was able to fill my tank . That was truly the Lord . The next order of business was to find something for us to eat . Since there were so many cars in the area , I knew that most places such as McDonald 's or Panera or even Bertucci 's for that matter , would have long lines . So the Lord brought to mind Whole Foods grocery store that was right across the street . I went to their hot bar and got two take - out containers for us , as well as some Gelato , got right into a checkout line , and was soon headed back home . Monday came and I thought we needed to get out of the cold house . We took Bella and headed back to the town where I got the gas just the day before . Boy were we surprised to see so much traffic ! We could barely get down that street . People going by on the opposite side were slowing down to warn that there was no gas at any of the three gas stations . I couldn 't believe it ! I finally went down a side street and headed back in the direction of our town . I knew there was no place to go in our town because ourPosted by Dear Mom , I thought that last weekend was crazy , well that was nothing compared to what the next weekend would be . The weekend of October 29 was quite the interesting weekend . We were surprised , pleasantly , on Saturday morning to some men from your church coming over to the house . I had just gotten a text that they would be coming so we hurriedly got out of bed , got dressed and went to go have our breakfast . Soon after they came over and started taking care of some of the things that needed fixing around the house . They checked the washing machine , which had been spewing water all over and found that there was a little hole in the bottom of the tub . They took that washing machine out and brought a good , working one that had been just sitting in the church 's shed for months . They nailed the falling drain pipe back in it 's proper place . They pulled up all the wet carpet from the laundry room and threw it away . They turned off the outside faucet that had been constantly dripping so much it was almost running . They were such a blessing to us ! As they left , I had a plan of trying to get to the mall quickly before this supposed snow storm came . On my way to the mall , sleet started coming down . That made me nervous , because the weather forecasters were saying this could be a rough storm . So plans changed . . . instead of the mall , I ended up just going to the Chinese Restaurant near the mall to get some food and Bubble Tea for us . When I left the Chinese Restaurant and saw the coating of snow on my car , I knew I had made the right decision . The wet , heavy snow continued through the night and was coming down pretty hard . At about 4 : 30 or 5 that night our lights went out . I got the flashlights , lanterns , and candles out . We had plenty of light to see by . We hung out together in the living room , listening to talk radio and watching the flashing of some transformers , as well as some lightning . We even heard some snow thunder as we were sitting there . I made sure you were all bundled up in a couple pairs of pj 's , some gloves , a bPosted by Dear Mom , I just had to write this quick note to you . I have some other things to share , but I will get back to those things another time . Yesterday and today I was able to be home with you and Bella . I was pretty much just hoping to get some rest those two days . But yesterday you wanted to go somewhere to get something to eat . We did that so much last week ( which is one of the " other things " that I need to share ) . I didn 't want to spend a lot , but I also didn 't want to just get fast food . I needed to go to a store in Newington , so I decided to go to Joey Garlic 's to get a pizza . That way , we would have enough food for dinner last night and lunch and dinner for today . I also got some fried dough for us . We both love that ! You got so used to having Bella go with us everywhere last week , so you expected her to go yesterday . It was pretty much a pain for me , but you were satisfied . Thankfully we did get to enjoy the pizza for our meals yesterday and today . We enjoyed the fried dough last night . Today , I knew we couldn 't really go anywhere because the homemaker / companion from Keep Me Home was supposed to be coming around 10 in the morning . I was hoping to get to the mall to get our nails done , but that didn 't happen . The lady never came , so I figured she wasn 't going to be coming , but around 1 she did show up . I was looking forward to meeting her because I asked for her to come . She came a couple of weeks ago to fill in for the other lady , and when I got home it was the first time I heard you speak positively about having a companion come . You seemed to like her , and you said she came into the room to spend time sitting with you and Bella . That was such a relief for me to hear , it made me so happy . I finally got to meet Roberta and she was great with you and Bella , and was very personable . I liked her too ! She did a great job cleaning , then went into the room to spend a little time with you . The company said that she has other clients , so she may not be able to be the new one to come over often . But they said they wouPosted by Dear Mom , We 're sitting in the dark for the sixth day after the storm . Can 't write much because I need to save my cellphone battery . I 'll have lots to share about our adventures this week when our electricity gets restored . Love you ! Glad we 're having a fun week together ! Dear Mom , It has been a crazy few days , it was definitely a crazy weekend . Friday , I went to school as normal and had a pretty good day . We had a field trip with the first and second grade to the pumpkin patch . It was nice . I came home after to give you your supper before I had to go back out . I didn 't want to tell you I had to go back out because I know you like to have me home . So , I waited until you asked me if I had to go back out . I told you I did and that I would be back later . I had been asked a week or two ago to help with the Red Eye Night that the teens at church were having . I just couldn 't tell them no , they were told that there were probably going to be lots of teens there , and they really needed chaperones to help . As you were eating I told you I had to go back out for a little bit , but not to worry about taking Bella out because I would be back to do that . I headed over to the church and I must say , there were quite a few teens already there . Little did we know there would be almost 60 teens that would show up that night . Though , I hated leaving you , I was kind of glad I offered to help out . Once most of the teens were there we started the progressive dinner in the fellowship hall . There was a yummy salad . Then after they were done , there was a delicious white chili that the youth director 's wife made . That was very popular . Not long after that there was ice cream with yummy toppings . As we cleaned up the tables the kids went over to the chairs set up in the middle to get ready for the message by Evangelist Garraway . When we were done cleaning we went over to listen as well . It was a great message and 2 boys made professions of salvation . It was a precious time . They were then getting ready to head to laser tag . I left to come back home to take Bella out and give you your medicine and to put you and Bella to bed . Once again I was struck with the dilemma of how to tell you I was going back out . But I knew I couldn 't just leave because you would hear the door and wonder what I was doing . So , after youPosted by Dear Mom , Earlier this week we heard a news story that really got my attention . There was a silver alert issued for a 68 year old man , Ronald Masci , who had gone out for his daily walk . Two hours later when he had not returned home , his wife called the police to tell them he hadn 't . The reason it really got my attention is because Mr . Masci had dementia . Of course now anytime I hear of anything with dementia or Alzheimer 's it makes my ears perk up because it just seems so close to home now . The wife and people from the community said that every day he go for a walk , it was just part of his normal daily routine . I know how important keeping same routines is . Once I heard this I started praying that he would be found , and soon . I was concerned because the weather has gotten cooler now and the next day was supposed to be really rainy and cool . I prayed that he would be found before all of this cold rain came . The police went out looking for him , along with many people from the community . He was well known in the community . That was an encouraging thing because at least many people knew just who they were looking for . All week I have been following this story and praying for Mr . Masci to be found and for his family to have peace . Today I read a status update from our local news station stating that they found him and police were not giving many details . I wasn 't quite sure if they meant alive or dead the way it was written . I was hoping it meant they found him alive and well . But as I read some comments under the status I soon found out that people from the town had gotten reports that his remains were found . Not long after , the local news station put an updated status saying that his remains were found by police dogs . My heart just broke , it brought me to tears . Right away I prayed for his family . I can 't imagine what they must be going through . We didn 't talk about it . I knew you wouldn 't have remembered the story anyway . Plus , I don 't think you realize how close to home this hits for me . I often pray that you willPosted by Dear Mom , Some of our conversations have been interesting lately . You are struggling more finding the right words to express what you are trying to say . We have been able to laugh about it thankfully , so it 's kind of fitting to try to go back to remember some of the fun things you 've said lately . While we were at physical therapy , the therapist was telling you how you need to stretch out your hamstrings because they are so tight , as she is working you out to stretch them , you breathlessly ask , " What are my hamstands anyway ? " I couldn 't help but to laugh , that of course made you laugh , which in turn made the therapist laugh . We were all pretty giggly girls for a little while ! Then you were in the bathroom and something fell and banged , so I opened the door to check on you to see if you were OK . You looked at me and said , " It was just my corn that fell . . . " " Your what , mom ? " " Wait , I mean my cane . " Again , I had to giggle a little bit , which seems to get you laughing as well . The other night when I brought Bella to bed there was a show about cute puppies and babies . I had to ooh and aah because there were some super cute puppies and babies , as I did , I guess I was driving you a little crazy , you looked at me and said , " Get a grape ! " ( supposed to be " Get a grip . " ) Right away after that one we both started laughing extremely hard . It got to the point that you had to get out of bed to go to the bathroom again . That made us both laugh even more . I 'm so glad we can laugh and smile about these things . I know those moments of not being able to find the right words can be frustrating . So , it 's important for me to keep things light . Other times we 're not cracking up necessarily , but you will be trying to say something , and I 'll just try to figure out what you are trying to say or what you are talking about . I read in an Alzheimer 's article that that 's the best thing that I can do . Sometimes I want to try to make you figure it out , I think it 's because I secretly hope it will maybe help " fix " you . Slowly , I 'm coming to terms thPosted by Dear Mom , Today I was able to be home with you and Bella . It was Columbus Day , so I had the day off . We had a pretty chill day , I was pretty tired . We had a good breakfast together . The homemaker / companion came and I took Bella on a little walk to calm her down , since as you have said this companion doesn 't seem to be too keen on her . When we came back I went downstairs to play the Wii . You actually came downstairs , you even stood behind me and tried to join me . You were pretty active for not getting around so well lately ! Of course after a short while you were in the chair just watching , but still you surprised me . I had to take you to physical therapy again . I was sort of waiting to see if you would say something about the bookstore again , you didn 't , but you did look to see the cars in the parking lot . We got to your physical therapy and you did a terrific job . I know you get tired and you hurt , but you keep trying , you made me proud again . We had some good laughs while you were working with the therapist . She was telling you that you needed to stretch your hamstrings more . You asked her , " What are my hamstands ? " . I had to laugh and then you did , and once I got composed enough to tell her she laughed as well , but said she has heard all kinds of things from people that had no idea what she was talking about . Then at one point she was asking you to do a certain exercise and you told her she was so pretty that you would try to do that for her . You were so cute ! After physical therapy we had to go to CVS to pick up your prescriptions . As we pulled in the parking space that 's when you really put a smile on my face . There were some old hymns playing on the radio , " I Surrender All " came on and you started singing it , you remembered the words . I left the car on , went in and got your meds , when I came out you were humming another song . Another song came on and you started singing the alto part to that song . I asked you if you remembered the title and you did and told me , of course , I don 't remember it now . : ) Then when Posted by Dear Mom , Here we are in a new week . After the craziness that was last week , I guess I did have to wonder a little bit what would be in store for this one . Saturday was a wonderful day that I got to spend at an Iron Sharpens Iron Women 's Conference . One of my friends had a free ticket and invited me to go . I was a little hesitant because . . . . well . . . it 's Saturday , my sacred day for sleeping in and relaxing especially after a crazy week . I was hoping to just go hang out at the Berlin Fair or maybe get up to the Big E since it didn 't happen on Friday . For some reason ( the Lord , I 'm sure ) I felt that I needed to try to get up and go to this . This meant getting up not much later than I do for school . I was meeting the ladies I was going with at 8 . Thankfully it was at the church right up the street , only about 3 minutes away ! Well , I did it , I got up , got Bella taken care of , got you taken care of with breakfast , got myself ready to go for a day of refreshment . I left the house around quarter to 8 and got there before 8 . I was there all day until 5 . I checked on you and Bella at one point , calling to make sure you were OK . You said you were . I hadn 't even planned to stay that long , but it was so good I wanted to . I 'm glad I did . It definitely was refreshing ! Sunday came and once again you didn 't want to go to church , that just makes me so sad ! I went to mine and was blessed for going . Monday came and when I checked my calendar I noticed that you had physical therapy at 6 that night . . . ugh . I was just hoping to get home , maybe take a nap and relax . Well , when I told you , you were not happy either because you said you weren 't planning on going out that night . Well , that was an obvious statement . . . you never plan to go out much anymore at night or in the day for that matter . So , I had to bribe you a little bit by telling you that we would go get something to eat while we were out . Well , that put a big smile on your face and next thing I know you are in your room getting your sneakers on . We didn 't have to leave for about anoPosted by Dear Mom , There were some interesting times this week . Tuesday night I decided to thoroughly cleaned the whole bathroom , because it just wasn 't smelling as clean as I would like . I put the towels and washcloths in the hamper , cleaned the tub well , your bath chair , the walls , the towel rack , the toilet , the sink , and the mirror , then emptied the garbage can with your wet Depends . I was on a mission , had to get that stale smell out . I felt much better once I did ! After working up a sweat , but getting all of that done , I was ready to go downstairs to relax . I was actually really looking forward to making some silk flower arrangements and wreaths for the Berlin Fair . My friend encouraged me to do some , I have done wreaths before and some of my art work , but since I 'm not taking art anymore , those are things that I like to do . Plus , you get money if you get ribbons . As I was on my way downstairs , I hear you call me as you often do now . It gets to me a little because usually it 's just to show me the scars on your arms and legs which I have seen plenty , or to show me how swollen your feet are , which I have already seen as well . This time it was much different than I expected . You told me that you had an accident , and made a mess . This was a poop accident . There was poop on your gown , your housecoat , your underwear ( because you still wear underwear even though you wear Depends ) , your slippers , the toilet seat and all over your bottom . I wasn 't sure I knew how to handle that , but somehow I did . I took your housecoat and robe off , got the socks , and then the underwear that you had put in the sink to try to rinse them out . I put all of those things in the hamper . I brought them downstairs and put them in the washer . I went back to check on you , you were still sitting on the toilet . I asked you if you wanted to take another bath and you said yes . I ran the bath water , as you got up you noticed the seat was a mess , so I gave you two washcloths , one for the toilet seat , the other for your bath . You used the one to clean off thePosted by I am a third grade teacher at a small Christian school . I LOVE teaching ! ! ! I still live in the same house I grew up in . I was taking care of my mother who had Alzheimer 's disease . The Lord took her home to be with Him August 10 , 2012 . It was not easy , but I 'm just so thankful the Lord allowed me to be home with her and take care of her to the very end . I have a wonderful little dog Bella , who has been a lifesaver ! I strive to seek the Lord 's will for my life , and pray that I always will . That 's the best place to be ! |
Jan29 Yesterday I wasn 't doing very well and I was in a terrible amount of pain . Normally I would be able to push the button on my IV pain meds and then I would feel a little bit better . When I push that button it gives me a whole hours worth of pain meds all at once . I know that I have a nurse coming this morning to set up a new IV bag so I figured I would just wait for her to come and tell her that my pain button wasn 't working for the extra pain meds . I guess it was about 9pm last night when everything on my IV meds quit working at all . The only pain meds that I take are in that bag so I hadn 't been getting pain meds for hours before I knew what was happening and I had to call my nurse late last night to ask her to come to my house right away and fix it . She was yawning when I was telling her on the phone what was happening , but she came right over . I told her that I was really sorry that I had called her at home after she had worked all day but she made me feel better about calling her . I like my nurse … she understands what the pain can do to people . She ended up having to take the needle out of my port and insert a new needle and luckily the new one flushed perfectly . I was in so much pain by the time that she had it working right again that I actually felt the pain meds go into my body , normally I wouldn 't feel the pain meds at all . I asked her why that would happen and she said that I was moving around too much . I hardly do anything at all and now just taking a bath is a big deal . I don 't know how I can do less that I already do . I think I 'll spend my time watching a movie this morning so I don 't try to clean anything because I know I 'll hurt myself if I do . I do have a box of M & Ms and a pot of fresh coffee to comfort me . My best friend Daine was here for days doing dishes and cleaning my floors so I think that just watching her do all the work that she did was what hurt me . I did probably do one or two things without realizing I was doing anything at all because she was doing so much . I don 't know how she has put up with me for twenty seven years ( I think ) , but she 's the only reason that my house looks as good as it does . Thank you Daine ! I hope you 're coming back soon , but for visiting or watching a movie or something . Nov24 I 'm still really sick from changing my pain meds and I 've been trying to sleep as much as I could , but I keep waking up every two hours in pain . I know that I 'll be better soon but when you 're in this much pain it 's really difficult to be patient about it . Rick and Mom took care of Thanksgiving and I pretty much just tried to stay out - of - the - way . I guess it 's better than last year when they had to bring me dinner in the hospital . I 'm trying to look on the bright side … but it isn 't very easy right now . I 'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired . I feel like I can 't do a damn thing anymore without having to pay for it for days afterwords . I wanted so badly to have the house looking nice for my family to come here for Thanksgiving dinner , and I didn 't do that much , at least not enough to put me in the shape I 've been in since then . My whole body hurts , and I know that some of that is from switching my meds , but just for one day I would like to feel healthy . I was looking forward to getting the last check from worker 's comp so we could pay for the bills far enough ahead for Rick to start getting a paycheck . Because Rick had been released to go back to work we expected a final check from worker 's comp , but it was nowhere near what we thought it would be . I honestly have no clue how we 're going to get through the next month . Rick is out right now trying to find a job that he can manage without hurting himself anymore than he already has , but we didn 't know that he was going to be cut off like he was . On the bright side , now we can settle the claim for the personal injury , and hopefully it will at least cover all the bills . I 'm not even thinking about buying Christmas presents anymore . I 'm more concerned with just getting by . I don 't even have the heart to put up the tree . I had planned to put it up days ago , but I could barely move so I figured I would just wait until I was feeling better . So much for feeling better . I know Rick will get hired on quickly with all the experience he has under his belt . I just can 't believe that all this shit happens to us . I 'm starting to feel like the universe has it out for me . With any luck at all we might get the settlement money from the accident before Christmas . But with our luck the attorney 's fees will be more than the settlement . Just another case of truth being stranger than fiction . Rick told me not to worry and that everything would work out fine , but at this point I 'm having a really hard time not worrying . I probably shouldn 't have put all of this in my blog , but I 'm stressing about it and this is how I process everything . I hope nobody reading this was looking for a happy post . I just found out about the worker 's comp check ( or lack there of ) so maybe I 'll be in a better mood later , but right now I don 't think I could take anymore bad news . I 'm all out of sunshine ! I think that considering my situation I need and upside down pink tree … it seems so appropriate . Nov21 Even though Rick has been in a tizzy about getting his pc to work again I really didn 't want to miss out on my morning posts , luckily my lovely daughter suggested that I use the laptop that we gave her last year for Christmas to be able to write my posts with . Jesse can be a huge pain in the ass sometimes , but she also is the single most kind and generous person I 've ever known . When we bought her this laptop we also bought two others for Justin and Ashley . And because we aren 't rich , we went to a reconditioned laptop store and were able to get all three , with new cases for less that we would have paid for one brand new one . All three kids were happy though because we had been telling them that there might not be any presents under the tree at all because we were hurting so badly financially . Rick would sell a kidney to be able to give our kids what they want for Christmas , but as they get older the presents seem to get more expensive … go figure . So this year Rick and my mother want to have the holiday family get - together at our house . I tried to get out of it because I would have to go over my house with a fine tooth comb just so that I 'm not embarrassed to have family here . Don 't get me wrong , they would probably not give a shit what my house looked like … it 's all me . I did manage to get the entire downstairs cleaned to my satisfaction , and then I spent the whole day yesterday trying to nurse the pain I had caused myself by doing things like reaching up with a swiffer duster while standing on one leg with nothing to hold on to just to clean my ceiling fan . Every time I touched the damn thing it started spinning around . Jesse and her best friend were told that they had to clean Jesse 's bathroom and the downstairs bathroom before I would give them the car keys to take all their friends skating . I still have to do a little more on the bathroom that Jesse ' cleaned ' , but at least she tried . She hates to clean . This morning when the pharmacy opens I have to go and pick up my new meds . I haven 't taken this particular kind in years , but I do remember that one of the reasons that I didn 't want to keep taking them before was because they gave me way too much energy . Rick would have to demand that I sit in the recliner and take a break after six straight hours of doing chores . Now with as much as I need more energy just to do simple things , I 'm hoping that it will work better for me this time . I do remember that it worked great for pain though so I can 't wait to see what happens . Rick also told me yesterday that he wants to put up our Christmas tree today . I guess he wanted to have the house decorated before the family comes over . Last year he didn 't help at all , Diane and I had to do it ourselves while Rick watched TV pr played his games . To be honest I really don 't remember because I had my hands full of lights that someone had just thrown into a box . I am curious to see what decorations we have left . Every year more seem to hit the void . My favorites are the ones that my kids made for me when they were just old enough to be able to write their own names on them . I think everyone I know has at least one tiny little popsicle stick snow sled with glitter on it , and a red ribbon to hold it to a tree branch . So today while Rick starts digging out all the Christmas decorations , I 'll be sitting in the middle of them all trying to figure out which lights are still in good working condition . I 'll gently pick out the broken balls ans play where 's waldo to find enough extension cords to be able to plug everything in . I really don 't enjoy the process … but I love having the tree all lit up in the evenings leading up to Christmas . I also have a green and white wreath that hangs on my front door , this is the closest one to mine that I could find a picture of … except that my front doors are white so it looks really pretty . Happy holidays everyone . cin Nov19 I am unwillingly going to take a vacation for a little while , just until I can either get my computer fixed or find a nice cheap used one that will do what I need it to do … which isn 't very much really . Normally , I write a post every morning while I have my coffee and M & Ms , but I think that I 'm going to have to take a break for a little while . Not that I want to … because I really don 't . I just don 't have a choice . Not too long ago , I caught the cord of my head - set on the front of my wheelchair , I didn 't realize that I was tangled up in it before I started to back away from my desk and saw that my computer tower was slowly tipping over . It literally looked like is was falling in slow motion so I didn 't panic and try to catch it , I thought that if I did that I might do more harm than good . So , I held the cord to the head - set and tried to let the tower down as slowly as possible . Even when the tower made its way all the way to the floor it didn 't make much of a sound at all , and nothing looked damaged at all … not even the head - set cord had anything wrong with it . I went to refill my coffee , which was what I was trying to do to begin with , and I came back to write my morning post . Everything was going along as usual until I realized that I was hearing a very loud beep coming from the computer tower . I had no clue wait is was , and after writing a few more lines I decided that I might have shaken something lose in the tower and that I should just save my blog post for later and re - start the computer . I shut it down and tried to restart it … but something went very wrong . I must have done something really bad for it to not even be able to start Windows . I begged my husband , although he didn 't want to do this at all , to open the tower and just look to see if there was anything obvious … like a loose wire , or something unplugged that he could just fix and I could get back to my writing . Nothing found , and he gave up . My little brother knows pretty much everything about computers , but he has a very demanding job as well as a family with two little kids , so you can see why I wouldn 't want to ask him to check out my problem . I didn 't want him to feel obligated and possibly miss out on anything important . Rick did ask Jason if he could take a look at it , and I was given very bad news about my little computer friend . When it tipped over , the hard drive was running … now I can 't fix it . It 's going to have to have a new hard drive installed , or I 'll have to find a very cheap pc . I love my computer . It isn 't anything expensive or difficult to use , it 's an e - machine . I don 't ever do anything but write my blog posts , check my fb , and talk to some other women with breast cancer online . I have no need for anything fancy , actually I think a fancy computer would simply be wasted on me . I just need to find a way to fix my sad little broken pc . I 'll look around and price some hard drives , hopefully because of the holidays they will be on sale somewhere . So , I 've been using Rick 's gaming pc every morning , I usually wake up three or four hours before he does , so that I don 't get in his way . No problem there . Jesse has been needing to use Rick 's pc too lately to look for a job ( she didn 't like the ones she had , too much drama ) but she stays up late at night and now Rick has things on his computer that he doesn 't want there ( no , it 's not porn or anything vulgar ) . I told him if he didn 't want anyone on his pc when he isn 't awake then he should change the password . He changed the password right before he went to bed ( the night before last ) , and when he woke up he had no clue what he had changed it to . We 've tried everything to reset the password , the computer , and even called the manufacture . They said that all they can do is send him a disk in the mail that should help him fix the problem . I don 't think I 'll ever agree to use his computer again . Somehow , even though I was asleep when he changed the password , it 's still all my fault . And everyone else 's fault too . He 's very , very touchy about his gaming pc because he waited years to be able to have one . I totally get why he 's so upset about all of this right now . But I did find out that he now remembers changing the password to one that I could easily remember … but he never told me what it was ? Hmmm Nov17 I never have been one to make a big deal about Christmas … but Rick waits all year for it so I try to go along with whatever he wants to do . We did get some very exciting news yesterday that is going to make the holidays much happier for my family . We didn 't win the lottery or anything like that , but we did find out that our lives are about to start getting back to normal if all goes well from here on out . After Rick was hit by a car while unloading his truck at work we had to get a lot of lawyers involved . Three different firms have been helping with getting him the compensation that he deserves , as well as all the medical treatments that he 's had to have for the past few years . A few days ago we found out that worker 's comp wanted him to go back to work and they also agreed that he has a permanent partial disability that will limit what kind of work he 'll be able to do for the rest of his life . I know that I mentioned in an earlier post that Rick thought he might like to go back to working in management of a telemarketing company , and he also wants to work some place where he can put to good use all the experience that he has from being in a truck . Now he 's able to start actually going on interviews . Yesterday his own Dr agreed that Rick is able to start working again , as long as he starts off only working part - time with limitations . We were told that for the first six months he 'll have to also go to physical therapy and have massage therapy to help with the pain of getting used to a work setting . What was funny was that both when the nurse walked in , and then also when the Dr came in , they both came straight to me , took my hand , and asked how I was doing . Rick finally said something after the Dr did it too . Sorry babe , but I 'm just more important . jk 😉 We really thought that this was going to be a very sad Christmas because we simply won 't have any way to go and get any gifts for our kids … let alone all the rest of the family and friends that we would normally get a gift for . It 's not that we ever were rich , far from it , but we always managed to find a way to give a little something to everyone . The year before last my mother and I spent two weeks straight baking every kind of cookie we could think of for the family , and everyone else we could think of also received a nice dish of assorted goodies . Chocolate dipped pretzels were the easiest to make so I loved doing those . Mom likes to make candy so we also had a few hundred home - made peanut butter cups … a lot of those ended up at my house because they 're Rick 's favorite . But , last year we didn 't have enough money to buy all the ingredients to make as much as the year before , not to mention that I spent most of November and December in the hospital having surgeries , so I couldn 't help mom bake . I was released from the hospital after my mastectomy late on Christmas day . I missed all the good stuff . Rick did bring me a tiny little Christmas tree in the hospital with a few of my gifts from the family to put under the tree , so I know that I wasn 't forgotten … but it 's never the same as being home with the family . The nurses wanted to know if he had a single brother . I doubt that I 'll be able to do much , if any , shopping this year , but I do have the knowledge that everything can and will start getting back to normal . I don 't have a clue how long we 'll have to wait for the lawyers to finish with all the final details , it usually takes another six months to find out what the end result will be . But in the mean time , Rick can get back to having somewhat of a normal life again . I love having the house to myself when he 's working , and I know that working makes him feel so much better about himself . None of this was in any way his fault , and I feel bad for him that he 's had to go through any of it . So this year Christmas , although it won 't be back to normal just yet , will be a time when we can at least be happy about life again . All the endless medical crap with both of us has definitely taken a huge toll on all of us , but now we have something to look forward to again . It 's been a long time since I could think about anything in the future and he happy about it . This year we have a Grand Daughter coming , Rick will be working again , and hopefully in a few months we can start slowly paying back all the family that 's been helping us , and if we play our cards right we might even be able to find a few small gifts for under the Christmas tree . This is the one that Rick wants to put up this year . He thinks that he can cut a branch of of out front patio tree and put his favorite little blue ball on it too . For the past twenty five years Rick has managed to hide a blue ball somewhere on the tree , no matter what colors I use for the rest of the decorations . He says it 's ' special " to him . I think it 's funny . Justin and Ashley made it to NC , where Rick 's little sister lives , and they 'll be staying there with her for a little while so that they can find new jobs and save enough money to get their own place after the baby comes . I do wish they had moved back to Arizona , but I know that they will be in good hands with Rachael . She always has done her best to help out all of her nieces and nephews when she could . She takes after her father in that way and many others . He was a great man . Rick is hoping that we 'll be able to go and see our Grand Daughter when she 's born , but I don 't know if we 'll be able to just yet . Like I said , it could be a very long time before we see a penny from him being hurt . But at least we know that this whole bull shit legal thing will be over soon . I just hope that I 'm feeling well enough to travel that far . I walked a long way yesterday on my crutches to Rick 's Dr and now I 'm paying for it this morning … . but it was a well wort it trip . Nov14 So , yesterday afternoon I was out side on the patio talking to Rick about his appointment Thursday with the lawyers , and I asked him what the date was . I never do know what day of the week it is and most of the time I can 't remember what day of the month it is either . He told me the date and I suddenly remembered that I had something to do . I looked in my purse for any appointment cards and found on from my pain center with a time of 1 : 45 yesterday afternoon . I called my mom and asked her to take me , because my car needs to have repairs done , which I can 't afford right now , and she made sure that I was there on time . Thank God for mom . I waited longer than usual in the exam room for the PA to come in , but I didn 't mind because he always spends a lot of time talking to me so I just figured that he was talking to someone else ( I could hear him in the next room ) and he would be in as soon as he could . When he came in he sat next to me and said " How are you doing ? " I said " shitty , how about you ? " He said the same thing , " shitty " . He wanted to know why I wasn 't doing well and I told him about how I thought that I was starting to have problems in my arm . I did have a lot of lymph nodes taken out when I had my breast amputated ( I think the word mastectomy doesn 't do it justice ) , twenty - eight the last time and eight the first time . Even one being taken out can cause you to have a lot of pain and swelling in your arm . I haven 't had any trouble with it in this past year so I 'm not convinced that it isn 't the tumor in my arm pit pushing on things that are causing pain all the way into my hand . I watched for any swelling or anything like this before , but I never saw anything . And , I 've usually been able to get relief from the pain pills after I healed from each surgery . I 'm a little worried that this is only the beginning of the problems with my arm . Anyway , the PA wanted to change my meds ( which he does every so often ) and scribbled for a while on some paper , trying to figure out the correct amount of the other pain meds to equal what I was already on . I would have needed a calculator for all those math problems . After a while he gave up and went to go to the back office to speak to my Dr and ask him what he thought should be written . When the PA came back he was laughing . I asked him what was going on and he , still laughing , said that some Dr had called my Dr and told him that I didn 't have breast cancer … that he thought that it was a misdiagnosis . I wish I was a fly on the wall for that conversation . When I was first diagnosed and still had all the tumors in my body I had to be admitted to the hospital for pain . I insisted after almost a week that they call in my own pain Dr because he already knew me and I trusted him . They refused until I started screaming in pain , and I also sent my husband across the street to the Dr 's office to tell him personally that I needed him and why . My own Dr showed up in my hospital room at about eight pm when he was on his way home for the night . When he came in he sat down held my hand and put his head in my lap and cried . He told me that no matter what happens he 'll be there to see me through this . I believed him then and I still believe in him now . He chewed out the hospital staff and changed the meds I was on and I was able to go home two days later . If he hadn 't come in to help me I don 't know how long I would have been there . I don 't have a clue what Dr would have called him unless it was the Medical Director at the hospice that I was in a few months ago who wanted me to have more scans and tests to prove what my prognosis was after I had my surgery . They do have to make sure that you qualify to be in hospice so I know why they wanted more proof . But , if they would have told me at the time what they were looking for I could have had the reports from the Cardio Thoracic surgeon and the pathology reports sent to them . I didn 't know then that they didn 't have everything . I haven 't seen an Oncologist for about eight months now because I didn 't have any reason to go to one . I wasn 't having chemo and I didn 't know that I would need to be continually getting tested for something that doesn 't go away on its own . I made all of my choices clear to all my Dr . s and I figured that they would all talk to each other when they needed information . Anyway , my own Dr knew better than to believe that it was all a mistake and thought that the one who had called him and told him that it was all a misunderstanding was an idiot . I 'm very glad now that I insisted on having my own Dr come to the hospital because he saw for himself that there was no mistake and that I simply wasn 't going along with all the usual treatments for IDC . Some people ( including Dr . s ) think if I 'm not doing chemo and radiation that I must not have cancer . It only it were . I did ask my PCP to get me a referral for another Oncologist so that there wouldn 't be anymore questions about my prognosis . Just incase I need proof from now on . So now I start the new meds next week , I know that I 've taken them before but I don 't remember if I had any problems with taking them . Hopefully it 'll help me without giving me any more issues to deal with . Nov13 I 've been waiting , and not patiently I might add , to find out what my grandchild is going to be , and I just got off the phone with my son and his fiance . It 's a little girl ! YAY ! ! 🙂 I had a feeling that it was a girl , but I didn 't want to tell everyone that and then be wrong . I figured that I would just wait and see . I love the idea of having a baby girl in the family . I do think that boys are easier to take care of , but it 's more fun to shop for a little girl . I was also told that the baby is to have my middle name , which I think is wonderful . Rose was the middle name of not just me , but also my great - grandmother , my aunt , my cousin 's little girl and probably a few more people on my dad 's side of my family that I 'm not remembering right now . I don 't know for sure how the first name will be spelled so I won 't try to spell it because I don 't want to get in trouble for doing that . I have a feeling that this baby will have two wonderful parents tripping over themselves to make her happy … always a good thing in my book . Congratulations Justin and Ashley . Rick has started making sugar cookies for us . Not for the holidays , just to snack on . I can 't remember a time in his life when he made cookies . I 'm always the one who does all the baking , and every once in a while he would help me out a little , but for him to suddenly start baking took me by surprise . For his first attempt he did very well . I think they were as good , if not better , than the ones my mother and I make every year around Christmas . It can be very tricky to have a sugar cookie come out well . They weren 't dry and were perfectly baked ( I did help with baking them ) , and I have to admit that I did eat most of them when he wasn 't looking . He wants to make another batch today , he wanted to do it last night but I talked him into waiting until the kitchen was cleaned so that he didn 't end up with a huge mess right before bedtime . I guess I 'll have to get up soon and start getting the kitchen ready for him to play in . He does have a habit of leaving flour trails every time he does anything where flour is involved in one of his kitchen projects . I do have a few chores that I plan on tackling , and I 've had my coffee and M & Ms already . My mom bought me a sharing size bag of M & Ms , but I have no intention of sharing them . I 'll share anything else in the world … but I can 't give up my sugar . I swear sugar is an addiction , probably one of the best kind of addictions for someone to have . I still have to call Jesse 's Dr to find out why he didn 't call in her meds yesterday , her throat is still healing very slowly so she still has some infection in there that needs continued antibiotics . I really hope that having the surgery will keep her from ever having anymore infections . I think she 's had enough of them to last her a lifetime . It 's very quiet in the house this morning , so I 'm enjoying it very much . So far today I 've only seen Rick and the animals , Jess and Abraham are still sleeping . He 's the little boy that she 's been co - raising ever since he was born . He has to be the biggest three - year old I 've ever seen , and he calls me Grandma Cindy , which makes it easier for me to have a little kid around . I normally don 't like having kids in the house because they move too fast for me and make too much noise … not to mention the messes they can make before you have time to stop them . But Abraham has become a part of the family and now I 'm more used to having him here since Jess came back home . I know Rick just loves him to death , especially because they think very much alike . Rick freely admits to thinking along the same lines as a three - year old . We only have him over once in a while but he sure does take over the house when he 's here . I don 't have any idea how it happened but this young man looks exactly like my daughter … even more than he looks like his parents . I went a very long time without any little ones around me , but it 's looking like I need to get used to the idea that my kids have grown into being parents themselves . I hope that I 've done a good enough job for them to be able to do a good job too . Hopefully I can help them to make better choices than I did . I didn 't have a clue how to raise a child back then , and I flat - out refused to take anyone 's advice on how to raise my kids . I so wish that I had taken some of that advise because it would have made my kids lives so much better . I don 't want to over - step my boundaries so I 'll have to be careful about making sure my advice is welcome before I go giving my opinion . Anyone who knows me at all will understand how that might be difficult for me to do . Wish me luck . |
I have been at my job , because I have one . A nice , fancy job that comes with health insurance . I work all the time now , like a real , live grown - up . And this is nice , in it 's own way . But there are some things I miss . 1 . Sleeping until noon , or taking a nap if I am extra tired . 2 . Deciding when I work , if I work , and what my work entails ( this is what you do when you are your own boss ) . 3 . Knitting time , and the weekly knitting meet - up at the KenapocoMocha . 4 . Going to the KenapocoMocha at all . 5 . Unrestricted Darcy time . 6 . Getting and watching the television shows I can 't get on my TV ( accursed digital conversion ) 7 . Spending time with friends whenever I ( or they ) feel like it . I think all ( or at least the majority ) of those things are parts of life that change as we all get older and more mature . But I don 't want to be that mature . I want to be a big kid my whole life , because life is more fun that way , which you can see when you look at my parents . Apple cores and all , being a big kid is much more fun than being a boring old person who wakes up at the same time every day and has no time for any fun at all . I want fun time . So I am going to have to get used to having less sleep . Because I am not quitting the fun . Instead I will keep myself a big kid by reading all the books in the kids section , perhaps several times . That 's the plan right now . I 'll let you know if it works . In the meantime , I am knitting La Digitessa for real . I have one sock completed and am turning the heel on the second one . It is truly beautiful and makes me happy on many levels . I will take pictures and show you all when both are done . I will almost certainly end up wearing them to work , even if they clash with something , and with them both easily visible in some kind of mary jane shoe . Even if I have to buy special shoes to do it . Also , I have broken down and purchased a season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer , a show so ridiculous that it makes me laugh hysterically and uncontrollably . Both are things I need right now . And I got a later season for more hPosted by Becky actually spent some time with us today . But first , you must all understand what happened before this . We ran into Becky the other day , the day when Jen and I went to Biaggi 's for tasty food and also went shopping but were disappointed to find that we had nothing to buy or even look at when at the mall . Becky was buying a nice new shiny sweeper . It had a thing for pet hair , and a thing that came out and dusted while sucking up all the little cobweb thingies that were around . She was with Joe , her husband , the man who stole her from us , her friends , who love her and want her time and attention . Becky . Come on . We stopped and talked with her . It was nice . We told her that we missed her and that it wasn 't fair that we couldn 't spend time with her . Joe actually came out and said he didn 't have a problem with it . He didn 't have a problem with it . Becky , come ON . Two years has passed since we have had Becky . Two years . So we tried to get Joe to go home and Becky to come with us , just for a bit . But Becky wanted to go home and play with her new sweeper , which she did . Becky , COME ON . We did manage to get her to agree to an evening with us , today , March 21 . We would get dinner , we said . She agreed . She wrote it down in her little book . I saw her . So March 20 rolled around and Jennifer called me . She said that she had gotten a message from Becky that she could not come on March 21 because she had to work . Meanwhile , Jennifer had to work through the evening on Friday night , and all day on Saturday . She also had to work on her Master 's degree on Sunday , writing a paper . Not to mention all the other things that she has to do , like buying food or dusting or even sleeping . Becky said she had to work during the day , and could not come . She was bailing on us , and when Jen called her and tried to ask , she couldn 't reach Becky . And she called me and was upset , and she talked about how hard it was to thing that we are losing Becky , which we do not want . Friends are forever . We are not petty high school kids . We are forever , like a faPosted by Just over a week ago , Mom went up to see her dad for his birthday . He turned 86 , and I celebrated from here ( not here , in the car but here in central Indiana ) while everyone else took him to dinner and cheered Grandpa on . Grandpa is pretty healthy for his age . His legs bother him ( arthritis ) but the only other problem is that his kidneys aren 't keeping up with the amount of liquid he takes in . Which is a lot . Grandpa is never without water , usually in the same yellow plastic cup he has had since I was born , a cup Gran urged him to get rid of , a cup he still retains . We ( not to mention the doctor ) warned Grandpa that he needs to cut the amount of salt he takes in . Grandpa doesn 't use a lot of salt , so he though this was no big deal . But he is an older man who lives alone , except for his cat , and he doesn 't do much cooking . The thing he doesn 't get , or doesn 't care about , is that his new favorite meal is packed with so much salt it alone could kill a person - - and that 's when you start off healthy . This is not to say the thing is not okay in moderation , but Grandpa never does anything in moderation . He likes Progresso soup . Saltier than Campbell 's , which is very salty , Progresso comes in such flavors as Split Pea with Ham , Traditional Chicken Noodle , and Beef Vegetable . Grandpa has packed his pantry with these and other flavors , all of which he bought on sale . When the store didn 't have his flavors , he got rain checks and came back . Soon , Grandpa ran out of room in the pantry upstairs , so he started filling up the cabinets in the basement , which are now packed too . Mom , on her recent visit , was handed a coupon from the big grocery store nearby for Progresso soup . Mom was secretly satisfied to find there to be no more of his flavors , so she hit the knit shop nearby and went back home . Grandpa then was disappointed . But Mom called me and found that I could do with two skeins of the half - off sock yarn ( I mean , come on - - half off ? ) so she told her dad she was going back to the shop before it closed . She was presented again witPosted by Jennifer and I want to announce to the world the incumbent 2nd anniversary of Becky 's Marriage . This means that it will , in a few short weeks , be two years since she has done anything with the two of us without her ball and chain . Since there have only been three occasions in that span when the three of us have spent time together with Joe , we know there is a problem . We used to see each other at least twice a week , maybe more . So , Becky , get with the program and spend some time with your girl friends . We live longer . I gave Jennifer the task of selecting the topic of this blog , as she is sitting next to me at the moment and I can 't readily think of anything to write on my own . We 're waiting , Jennifer . Think faster . " Any other time , I would think : " I want Laura to write about that , I want Laura to write about that . ' " Jennifer says , sitting here on the couch in her apartment as we watch an episode of Ghost Hunters neither of us are paying any attention to . Andy is divulging too much information to Jennifer , and she is getting a bit freaked out , causing her to not think of a blog topic fast enough to suit me . Therefore , I am writing everything that comes out of her mouth . And what is happening in the room right now . Like how Jen is humming . Humming , humming , okay , there - - she stopped . She did recommend my writing about how I should write about how we were Piggy Partners . So , Jen and I , once upon a time , were Piggy Partners . We cut up a fetal pig together , culminating in our using the small intestine as a jump rope and the boys in front of us , Keith and Brook , cutting Keith 's hand so badly that he had to seek emergency medical attention . I was secretly satisfied that this happened , because both of them were unpleasant , especially Keith , who liked to preach his right - wing ( ignorant , in this case ) viewpoints to the class at the drop of a hat . I tried to take out the brain and it just ended up being extremely disgusting , the only nasty part of the experience . I even grossed myself out , when I thought that I should keep going , when I knew I should stop the horror show . Did I mention someone put the leg of a dissection subject on the door handle of our freshman English teacher 's door ? She was odd and kind of deserved it for some of the freaky things she did when we were in school . Like when the chem class made fake smells ( strawberry , peach , etc . ) and one of them smelled like peach vomit , leading to a class member to vomit on himself and the desk and the horrible stench of both the fake smell and his vomit spreading throughout the high schoolPosted by All businesses want in our part of Indiana is accountants . The more , the better . If you aren 't an accountant , that 's okay - - they 'll hire you to pretend you are and you can learn on the job . I hate math . I can 't even do it . The other day Mom and I spent ten minutes trying to figure out how much money our dinner had cost us per portion . The chicken was $ 5 . for 3 breasts which I pounded out and divided into ten cutlets . Mom said it was 20 cents . I looked at her blankly , unable to compute . Mom corrected herself , saying it must have been $ 2 . Then I said , " No , that 's way too much . " Paul laughed at us hysterically and we never did figure it out for real , though I lean toward the 20 cent per cutlet math thing , because that is at least closer . I 've been offered jobs doing payroll , computing sales figures , or just plain crunching numbers . It seems that companies think that a college degree means that you know everything , not just what you majored in . I had to create my own job , working for myself , in order to work at anything but numbers or fast food . I have a liberal arts degree . Would you like fries with that ? Anyway . The other week I was in the Wabash library , writing a blog . I saw that they had applications out - - they don 't give them away unless they have an opening . So I filled one out and turned it back in the next day with my resume and a cover letter . Days passed . I waited , hoping , and watched my family members depart for various parts of the world . I went in for an interview . I met with the children 's librarians , neither of whom had many questions for me , and the whole process took about 20 minutes . That seemed unusual to me , but I had a good vibe . They told me I would know this week if I had the job . Today , I got the call . I am now Employed . Hooray ! I will pick out YA books , order them , plan special events , and have health insurance . I will also be maintaining their YA blog , hopefully even starting a children 's one . I am excited . Especially because I mostly still read young adult fantasy . I start next Monday . Wish me luck . Five minutes ago , maybe a bit before , I moved my right hand too rapidly in an attempt to pick up my Manchester Mocha , resulting in the toppling over of my coffee cup . The contents shot out , spraying all over the table and floor , narrowly missing my knitting . It also missed my laptop entirely , although my power cord ( not attached to a power source or the computer at the time ) was drenched . I perceive no damage . I then had the terror - filled moment of : MUST CONTROL MESS - - MUST PREVENT SPREAD ! Mercifully , the man Jen and I admire as the Ideal Father - Figure had just walked into the shop . He got me a towel , made sure my computer was okay , and made me feel better . See , Jen ? Good guy . We called it . We both knew . I scrubbed the floor , I scrubbed the table , and I scrubbed my power cord . Now it seems dry and non - sticky , meaning that I fixed my own mess , and the poor overworked girl at the counter didn 't need to come and rescue me . I also provided the rest of the shop with entertainment . They all came and asked me about my computer , condoled with me , and were just plain friendly . All it took was the first man breaking the ice . He is an awesome guy . You can see him at the far right of the frame in this picture , taken Valentine 's Day at the concert held here . He is the older gentleman behind the disembodied hands . This experience taught me two important things : always get a cup with a lid when working on your computer , and spillage happens , there is no need for guilt or freaking out unless something irreparable is damaged , like a laptop you can 't backup or afford to replace . I am now taking deep breaths and letting the adrenaline ( more powerful than the three shots of espresso in my coffee that were reduced to one in the spill could ever be ) wear off at its natural pace . I can 't take myself anywhere . 1 . There are no blog posts . 2 . I can 't find out who sang a song I like . 3 . I can 't read the blogs I like . 4 . I can 't look at pictures of my new " nephew " who just joined us in the real world . 5 . There is no way for me to see if the world outside has ended due to war , flood , or Miley Cyrus ' feuds with musicians with talent . ( IT ' S MILEY ! ) Jen will get that last bit . 6 . I have no way to explain to the world that my internet is down , and that I 'm not just being a jerk or taking a blog break . 7 . I can 't complain to all of you about being sick , not liking being sick , or wishing I was not sick or that I could be healed . 8 . I can 't tell you all that Dad has set off from Guatemala and is traveling to the USA . But now that I , Kleenex in tow , have gone to MC to drop Paul off , I have the opportunity to go to the coffee shop and tell you all the stuff you have missed . Like Dillon , my " nephew " being born - - he was ! And how he was born just in time , because he had fluid in ( or around - - Grandpa isn 't a reliable source ) his lungs . And how he is staying in the hospital for a few days in the Neo - Natal ICU because he is making way too much insulin to counter my diabetic cousin 's lack thereof . Or that he is okay now ! And coming home tomorrow or Monday ! Hooray for Dillon ! I am twice an " aunt " now . I will post tons of pictures when I get to see him , after the newborn puffiness goes away , because babies aren 't cute to non - family members until then . And Dad is in Chicago right now . If he was on his own , I would tell him to swing by the hospital and pay his great - nephew a visit . But he is with tons of overworked folk , so I won 't . Now , I will sign off and let you know these might be infrequent for a few days , until Comteck gets into gear and fixes whatever their problem is . Beside the obvious ( speed ) . Darcy has been so miserable . First she got skunked , then she had Dad leave , then Mom took off for her dad 's . This is what she did for the first two days Mom was up north . She just curled up and moped . It took a lot of work for me to convince her to have fun , and I finally pulled it off after the flood . Monday morning , I slithered on the ground , capping the pipe , and something clicked in Darcy 's brain : Laura can be fun , even if Mom is far away ! She rescued sticks , watched me make a fool of myself , and had a good time . We were playing in the yard , and I decided we needed pictures of the flood and what we had survived . I thought it might be fun to get a few pictures of my girl . So Darcy had a photo shoot . This is how most pictures of Darcy turn out . She moves through the frame so fast that I can 't snap a picture fast enough . I thought it might be a good idea to pose the pictures better . Candids don 't work with a happy dog . So I urged her to sit down and stay still , looking at me . . . and she did . Originally my feet were in this picture , so I took some more . She was unhappy to have to stay still , so I went down to her level . She came back later , inside the house , and kept nose - bumping me . I was holding the camera . . . And I captured the Darcy Stare , the look she gives us when she wants something . This look was a walk . Which she got . This one was a treat . Which she also got . She doesn 't need teased hair or freaky make - up to look beautiful . I really love my girl . Thanks for humoring me . This is the progression of the flood . I thought you who live away from the river might like to see . The steps before : The steps after : My pipe , which I capped , in my awesomeness . Behold : The pipe after : Yeah . It 's gone . The middle part of our lawn before , close up ( This is a small amount of water , just about a couple of feet above the bottom part ) : The middle part after : Yes , this is for you , Jen . You know I only skipped one day . That happens , sometimes . I was always going to take weekends off . Well , Jen , something happened today that will make you very happy . Not to mention how happy it makes me - - even my family . How amazing , to think that this was possible ! Paul called me about an hour ago with the most exciting and fantastic news . MY BROTHER IS QUITTING WORLD OF WARCRAFT ! This is amazing . I can 't believe it . He is selling his account , which could get him the big bucks . But the best part is that we as a family will be able to talk to Paul about something other than his Druid , his Druid 's gear , raiding , forums , his Druid 's new flying mount ( like , a bird of some kind that takes you places , it isn 't dirty ) , and so forth . We can talk about the news . Paul will leave campus because he won 't be raiding on the weekends . This is wonderful . He can have a Real Life . Or he will just find a different video game to fill his time . He could get a girlfriend . Or he will find a different video game to fill his time . He could get a fun job in his environmental field . Or he will find a different video game to fill his time . Jennifer , he could even come and hang out with us on the weekends ! Or he will find a different video game to fill his time . Which do you think is more likely ? I know which one I think it will be . I wish it wasn 't . But you can 't always get what you want . At any rate , it is a bit of news to fill my day and a blog for Jennifer that she will find ( hopefully ) as exciting as I do . I woke up this morning and found an expanse of fast moving water outside my front door . This isn 't out of the ordinary , because we live right next to a river . It just got a lot bigger overnight . Some people would have been frightened by all of this , but I know what step it made it to when I was a kid and we were sure we would have to flee . We didn 't have to then , and I knew we weren 't going to have any real problems due to this flood . I was just annoyed . Because I knew I was going to have to do something I didn 't want to do . . . Our family has a freaky white pipe that leads out from the house . If this pipe is submerged in water , all kinds of bad things happen , including the flooding of our basement . I had a flood on my hands , and there was only one thing I could do . Clad in my pajamas , my fuzzy robe , Uggs , and my dad 's over - sized and super - warm coat , I decided I had to cap the pipe , for our safety . Our meaning mine and the pets . I went into the garage , and got the long curved section of pipe . Then I took the lid portion , and put it on the curved part . I took both and went out to the " dry " creek where the pipe lives . The ground was all mud and nastiness , and I couldn 't reach the pipe from the safe part . So I half - slid , half - climbed down to the pipe . Putting one foot on each of the two rocks on either side of the pipe , I reached out and managed to put the lid on . After , I found that the pipe , though attached , failed to cling well , as it slid forward and then leaned sideways . Crap . I decided it was okay . I would be just fine . I climbed back up , then looked down and pondered the fact that water was still rising . It could at any moment rise far enough to liberate the cap from the pipe and take it far enough away that I could no longer use it . Or replace it . And I didn 't want that . So I went back down . Meanwhile Darcy decided this wasn 't very safe . She knew the thing I was doing was important , and I had to do it . Otherwise I wouldn 't be acting so stupid . So she came down next to me , and she came down and rescued a stick , just likePosted by Jennifer and I decided that the fine weather we are having here in Indiana was just the excuse we needed to go out and have a good time . We traveled to Fort Wayne only to discover we had no idea what to do with ourselves . So we wandered from store to store , bought some Wallflowers from Bath and Bodyworks to make Jen 's house smell lovely . Then , with no other ideas of how to spend our time ( we don 't want to buy any new clothes just because we can 't fit into the old ones - - winter inactivity - - so we refuse to ) we went to Biaggi 's . Jennifer whipped out her camera as we sat there , discovered it to have no juice , and , despondent , was about to give up when I handed her mine . So here is what happens when Jen tells me to be serious : And here is what happens when I take the camera away from her : Doesn 't Jen look like she belongs in a painting by Raphael in this last one ? The Madonna and Child ? Only with a camera and not a baby ? And this is what happens when I give it back : Jennifer likes the last one , I was supposed to be sad / angry to see the bill . Finally , we ended up at Walmart , where we discovered a long , lost friend , Becky , the final member of our three - some of friends that became a two - some when Becky got married and left Jen and I by ourselves . We miss her ! We managed to get her to agree to girl - time , March 21 . Let 's see if it happens . . . We finally managed to get rid of Dad last night , after which Mom announced that she too would be hitting the road . . . today . She is now gone too , off to see her dad , who has just turned 86 . Happy birthday to my grandpa , who will never read this post or understand what we are talking about when we try to explain it to him ! I love him . So , now , I am a lone girl out in the country all by myself , with only my sporadic network TV and my dial - up internet to comfort me . Oh , and my dog . And my cat . And Paul . But as Paul has often said , in case of an attack , if I were with him , there would only end up being two victims instead of one , since he would not be able to defend me or himself . I laughed at him , and Paul told me I just needed to remember that I didn 't have to outrun my attacker , just my brother . Now that is sibling love . Because I am a much faster runner than Paul is , and I don 't run bent over double , as he does for some reason . So unless I have to pass through a doorway , or between two trees , I will outrun them both easily . But if I do have to run between those things , I will end up slamming one or both of my shoulders so badly , I will no longer be able to continue . Just like what happens to me every morning and evening as I walk in and out of my room . But I am moving at a much slower pace when I hit the door frame those times . I am now trying to find ways to fill my life with something that does not include eating throughout this weekend . Today . . . I ate . And will continue to do so as I watch my Friday Night TV choices , including How Many Dresses ( Ghost Whisperer ) and Numbers ( Numb3rs ) . I will watch them with a carton of Chicken and Mushroom from the Great Wall , and Paul will be nearby with his Chicken and Nothing , over white rice ( He doesn 't eat vegetables , like Jay Leno but without the talk show ) . Paul will inhale his meal , then leave me in my corner where I will wait a half hour , then begin searching for more food that I could eat , because I might be hungry in a little while so I should eat something before that so I won ' Posted by Or , Let 's Try This AgainLast night , at 10 p . m . , we ( Dad ) became tired of waiting for 11 to roll around . We ( Dad ) wanted to get a snack before Departure Time , and since Dad was exhausted and dropped his sandwich on the kitchen floor at home , it had to be fast food . I drove , both of my parents were tired already and I knew that all the time I spent with Jennifer has reprogramed my brain to allow me to stay up and remain good to drive for far longer than either of my parents . We loaded into the Taurus , noticed we needed gas , and set of for Warsaw . Where we live , gas stations close early . We knew that we would need to make it all the way to Warsaw before we found one that stayed open after nine . The only problem with that is the Taurus ' messed up gas gauge . You see , as we drive along , it looks like we are peachy keen in the gas department until the sticky meter decides the car needs gas , now . At that point , the meter drops fast . As it rockets toward the " E " the little gas pump light goes on , and we know the car means business . But we weren 't there yet . I drove , playing fun music for my unappreciative father , and we all made it to Warsaw , passing sneaky deer and the wafting scent of Darcy 's best friends ( the skunk population of our area ) . Mom and Dad then chimed in with directions to the fast food area with the restaurants most likely to be open . That was because every time I set foot in Warsaw , I get lost . Badly too , and each time I end up calling Dad because I am nearly late for an appointment or because I didn 't know there were so many Zimmer buildings in Warsaw ( or the world at large ) . Dad took so long making a fast food decision this time that I ended up proving my driving skills by circling the same convoluted parking lot for ten minutes . We got sandwiches , and I then announced that we were out of gas . Yes , the little gauge had become unstuck as I turned around and around between Hardees and Arbys , as Dad changed his mind again and again . The sad part of that was , there were no open gas stations on that side of Warsaw . Posted by Tonight was quite possibly that . Nothing this good has ever happened to me before , and I mean nothing . I can 't believe it really happened . I am still laughing , off and on . At first I laughed so hard I had an asthma episode - - that takes some doing . Let me just say , the trip to drop Dad off took an unexpected and hysterical turn last night ( tonight ? ) and I 'm not talking about the fifteen minutes we all spent in the car with the bass turned up really loud listening to club music and dancing in our chairs . That was just filler . I will fill you in completely tomorrow , for now I will just give you Dad 's reaction . I told him this event would be the one thing everyone on the Guatemala trip talked about for at least the first few days of the trip , only falling to second if something more hilarious were to happen . " That 's unlikely , " Dad muttered back to me , forcibly repressing the shame of what had just occurred . I then consoled him , saying that it would all wear off soon and he would undoubtedly be the first person to laugh about it and repeat it again and again . . . " Yeah , in about a decade , " Dad replied . I think Dad is working hard right now to forget what happened to him . He is pushing the memory far , far back into his mind where it will fester as a mental illness long into senility . The poor man was laughed at by Mom and I alone for a good hour , and that doesn 't include the time Paul was on the phone making fun of him too . I said , as Dad walked out of his bedroom yesterday . Instead of being angry like you would think a person would be if their daughter said something like that to them , he laughed . You see , Dad is getting out of my country . He is going to Guatemala . He used to do this annually on my birthday , as a way of subtly telling me how much I mean to him , but he switched to the winter when Mom put her foot down and told him she was sick of him coming home between trips just long enough for her to wash , iron , fold , and pack his clothing . I can see how that would get on someones nerves . So Dad is leaving tonight , having just finished giving a funeral service moments ago ( he prepared it over the last three days , because he is good like that . He works fast ) . And I , his daughter , get the immense pleasure of driving him to Warsaw and hurling his luggage onto the ground in the parking lot outside of Hands of Hope . Then , when he gets out to retrieve it , I get to drive away at high speeds , laughing as he fades into the distance in my rear view mirror . That will make up for all the times he forgot me , not to mention all the times he abandoned Paul , after school or church functions . In your face , old man . Dad and I have a special relationship . When he had his second heart thing , the one that might have but might not have been a heart attack , I spent an hour in the hospital with him as we exchanged insults back and forth . We are cruel to each other beyond reason , and we both think it is hilarious . I call him a fat old man and he calls me a snot - nosed teenager , though I have left teen - dom behind and he is only getting older . I untie his shoes ; he eats my cookies without permission . We laugh hysterically as we do this , and onlookers think we have the most messed up , deranged relationship on the face of the planet . His church friends , at the hospital with him years ago , thought I was being terrible to him as I made fun of how his heart rate changed with the topic of conversation . I told him I wouldn 't be happy until his pulse sped up when I walked Posted by My nasty dreams have come to an end , everyone . I am very happy . Friday night I had another horrible dream , involving people hiding in my house and injecting my family members with sedatives so that they could do horrible Saw - like things to us , despite the fact that I never watched any of those movies and don 't know what happens in them . The dream culminated with me walking into my parents room as I searched for them ( so we could escape ) only to be captured and drugged myself . It was unpleasant . Saturday ( the day of two trips to Kokomo ) I got a new pillow . This is the best pillow of my life . I used to think I had good pillows . . . I was wrong . This is a Rich Person pillow , marked down to a Poor Girl 's price ( from $ 50 . to $ 10 . I can afford that ) . Not only have the nightmares stopped , due to my dispelling the bad karma of my old Alpha pillow ( I sleep on three , in a stack so I can breathe , and they have an order they go in . . . I 'm not weird ) , the kink in my neck has gone from my life , and I am finally happy . I have a sad , small little life , with some yarn for color . In the saga of my cell phone , I have had many defeats . Sitting in the Lounge one day , a friend of mine took my phone , connected it with some cord to his laptop ( Apple , go figure ) and gave me a random song he thought I would like . I think he did this because our music tastes are similar and because he had a rough day and knew how happy random tech victories make me . So I thought , " That didn 't look too hard . I can do this . " I had purchased my cell phone mere months earlier . I didn 't know what kind of a battle I had in store . I plugged in my phone with its cord . My computer , an older PC , said " No thanks , not without a driver . " I found a driver , downloaded it ( a two day task on dial - up ) and it DID NOT WORK . My computer wanted software . I found that on several websites , for more than I paid for my phone in the first place . All I wanted was the X - Files theme . I wanted my telephone to ring and make me want to defend myself with " terminal intensity . " As if I even could . But it would have been nice to delude myself . A year passed . I got my laptop . Then I tried again , and failed again . In this time , I endured other problems with my phone than just the ringtone . I would have been happy with almost anything other than what I had . But no , that could not be so . I had to cringe each time my phone rang with its obnoxious , freaky ringtone ( the only one on the phone I could endure at all ) . Finally , I learned of the Great Internet Lie , and got a ringtone . It was a lame one , a song that Ellen dances to , that I got just to get rid of the old ringtone . Okay , it was " Just Dance " by Lady Ga - Ga . I know . You don 't have to say it . And you 're right . I am an Iron & Wine type of girl ; I don 't know what I was thinking . But while waiting for Paul to come down two flights of stairs so I could drive him to the grocery store , it happened . I found my song , the X - Files theme song , on the cell phone 's internet . And I got it . And now , my phone rings and I think , " The truth is out there . . . " It 's really too bad that I don 't get that many phone calls . Laura is young , feels old , and recently learned she had a reason to get out of gym class all through her lifetime , but missed out . She still wants a lollipop after she gets a shot and believes food will complete her even if she has to cook it herself . This is probably why she has taken up running . She reads too much , sleeps too little , and never leaves the house without yarn ( money is another story ) . It is no secret that I like things organized . I used to alphabetize all my CDs , when CDs were a thing . Now I have my books sorted according . . . |
I 've decided to close my 2008 Dream Journal thread and start fresh with a new one . My dream recall became quite bad near the end , but I 'm going to work hard to get it back to previous levels . For this reason , the first few pages will likely contain many , many fragments , as I 'll be recording every stupid thing I remember to try to improve . Also , if I edited a page later , I will do nothing but correct typos unless I put an " EDIT " at the top for further explanation . Anyway , its hard to believe it 's been a year already . I will keep the same system as my last journal , so that : Last night I slept in short bursts , so I only remember fragments . But hey , that 's better than nothing . Friday 1 / 2 / 09 Dream Fragments Fragment 1 : I was watching some band play a song in a magic store . I do not remember how it went , but what struck me as really odd was that one of the drums was coated in like a metal " sandpaper " type of material . I kept wondering if the drummer would rub his hands raw eventually . Fragment 2 : I was driving the family car , even though I should only get my permit in a couple weeks . I was also alone , so even if I had a permit it would be illegal . . . I was driving alright down a familiar street and had to go take a left turn . I noticed there was no actual left turn lane , but it was a small road so I just went as much to the left as possible in my direction , and finding nobody around turned left . I took a little turn , and made sure to look out for kids playing . I didn 't see any until I almost passed them , and was scared that I wouldn 't notice them . Then I got out of the car , and started towards a house where my mom takes care of a baby for money . Still didn 't recall much but the basics . At least I 'm trying for the new year though . It feels so weird being on page 1 instead of page 10 . The dreams I recalled aren 't particularly interesting unfortunately . I separated my fragments today because I know they had a ton more than I remember , and don 't feel right being thrown together . Saturday 1 / 3 / 09 Cycling in New York City In this short dream I started out walking in a place I understood to be New York City . Details are hazy , but it was a sunny day , and I was taken back by the complete lack of other pedestrians and drivers . It was like the city was empty . I walked into a building and met a woman , whom I asked if I could rent a bicycle from . Quickly then I realized that New York wasn 't the best place for riding a bicycle , and said to her , " Nevermind , this place isn 't great for cycling . " She answered back , " Yeah , you should just walk around New York City . " I walked out of the building . Distorted World Map Unsurprisingly , I started this dream looking at a map of the world . I instantly noticed that the U . S . was far , far too big , and was drawn very rectangular and colored in like it 's flag . I didn 't think much of this matter , because I was distracted by an interesting toy . Basically , there were these plastic balls with four magnets stuck around their sides . The magnets on other plastic balls were not attracted to each other , but there were tiny metal balls which they would stick to . This made it so that if you had enough of both and put them into a container , they would end up sticking together automatically and take the container 's shape . I had a heart shaped container and tested it out . In this fragment , there was a baby I understood to be my cousin in the house , and also a lot of marbles laying around . I frantically was picking them all off the floor so he wouldn 't swallow them . Dream Fragment : Call of Duty World at War and Fallout 3 Combination In this game I understood myself to be playing CODWaW , but the combat was a lot like Fallout 3 . I shot some enemies , but they didn 't die and all ran away . Then I got onto a rooftop and hid behind some plant that was growing there and tried to snipe . It occurred to me that I must be playing online , and that this was an excellent map , having false memories about a village I had passed in the game . Finally , my first ' proper ' dream of the year . It was pretty alright , although maybe a little too realistic for my liking . Don 't give up on me yet , I 'll have interesting dreams again sooner or later . Sunday 1 / 4 / 09 My 25 Cent Box of Tools I started this dream in the house of one of my relatives that lives in Los Angeles in reality . For some reason , because I had a girlfriend in the dream I had inherited the whole house , which a paper I got revealed was worth $ 700 , 000 when houses were at their peak in price . My mom , however , was angered that I didn 't get more , and I didn 't understand why you 'd want more than a house . Soon , I forgot about this , because I was given a box of tools my relatives told me they had bought for 25 cents . Opening it up , I found many knifes ( some fold able , some not ) , a lighter , and this computer that functioned as a pedometer and a cyclocomputer . The instructions for it had pictures of what it could be used for , which is how I knew , because I didn 't feel like reading it . My mom and I then removed some knives from the toolbox because I understood we were going on a plane , and these items wouldn 't be allowed on the plane , and I wanted to take the toolbox with me to hunt through it some more . Then the dream skipped and I was at airport security , and they took some superglue I had in my box of tools . When the dream skipped and I was on the plane , I wanted to buy some food . Luckily for me , there was a mini restaurant in the plane . The lady at the register told me a meal cost a whopping $ 39 , before adding that a grilled cheese sandwich was only 300 - something cents . That I could spare . A man next to the lady took a straw full of liquid cheese , sucked out the cheese , and stuffed it into a cup full of the stuff . I was pretty disgusted , but took the cup anyway , exchanging the straw for a new one . What was this , some do it yourself grilled cheese sandwich , I wondered . I began to talk to my mom about it , and she said she 'd get me bread . Then I noticed something funny ; airport security had taken my super gLast edited by Yosemine ; 01 - 18 - 2009 at 06 : 19 PM . Briefly , I rode my bicycle in this dream , and walked up a steep hill . It was a place where in real life cars drive dangerously close to the curb , so I prefer to walk my bike on the dirt strip next to it . When I got to the top , a man in a white car signaled me to go , and I walked into the street for a second before going on the strip . Long story short , eventually I found that my back tire was flat . I somehow met up with my dad , and my bicycle morphed into some weird moped , which he drifted around " to get the dirt off . " Then I noticed my front tire was flat too . I don 't understand the connection , but then my dream switched to some even more boring mall where I was looking for my friends . I actually recalled a dream from last night . The past couple nights I did recall " dreams " as in , I recalled how I felt in the dream , if you know what I mean , but not what the dream was about . My dream from last night also wasn 't very interesting ( boring dreams this year ? ) , but still , a dream 's a dream . Friday 1 / 9 / 09 Railway Pedestrian Crossing The furthest back I can remember is leaving the house with my mom , shoeless . I wanted to go back for my shoes , but my mom said it was too late . The place we walked was slanted to the right , and very narrow . I thought to myself that it was a " rather stupid bike path . " Soon it widened and became a gravel road . Out of nowhere , a mechanical arm gate swung down and stopped me from going farther . I noticed my big toe ( in black socks ) , was inside a loop that was apparently a moving part in the mechanism . I quickly took my toe out , and considered myself very lucky to have caught myself before the arm went back up ; my toe could have been crushed . I looked forward and saw a rectangular metal sheet slide across a my field of view , as if to hide the train that was supposedly coming . The arm lifted and we kept walking . My recall becomes hazy at this point , but there was a funny conversation about my brother patting people on the back , and how it was becoming excessive . During this conversation , I was walking towards a place that evidently was a bakery . Outside it I saw a girl staring at a chocolate " funnel " cake , as if debating whether it was worth eating the mysterious thing that God - knows - who had left behind . Inside the bakery there were some really great looking cakes . I looked at the prices ; they were fairly reasonable at $ 2 . 99 for a decent sized mini - cake . Then , all of a sudden , the store took a change and the focus of the whole store became alarm clocks ! I remembered how I don 't really like my alarm clock , and wanted to buy a new one . There was this massive calculator / alarm clock / laptop mix I saw at the bottom , but I promptly woke up . . . a minute before the alarm rings . So short , but I keep thinking of it so I had to edit it in . In this dream , I was listening to music , but my mind kept telling me there was something different about it . For a moment I understood what it was ( something about the beats ) , but I can 't recall it now , and I 'm left wondering if it was something significant , or silly dream logic . Knowing me , I 'm rooting for the latter . I had tons of dreams and dream fragments last night , but I 'm having trouble recalling them . In fact , now I only remember one . . . I set an alarm at 4 : 50 to WILD , stupidly not realizing I set it to 4 : 50 PM instead of 4 : 50 AM . I 'll try again tonight . Saturday 1 / 10 / 09 Sand Overhang In the beginning of this very short dream , I was riding my bicycle down a long hill . I was on the sidewalk , and felt bad about it because there were a lot of pedestrians , but cars were driving within inches of the curb so I didn 't want to go in the street . When I got to the bottom of the hill , I just crossed the street and started to go up on the opposite side . I thought I 'd just go in the street since apparently this side looked safe . I chickened out and got on the sidewalk again soon when cars were passing way , way too close for comfort . Then , the sidewalk took a crazy turn to the right . I saw another cyclist completely ignore the turn and continue to go straight , because the sidewalk just looped back eventually . I felt stupid for not realizing I could do this , but being an interesting detour I didn 't care much . In the end I got to an interesting place ; there was a completely flat and hard dirt ground ( in the middle of a very urban area ) , and right next to it was this " sand mountain " which seemed to have a core of rock , but was covered in a foot or so of sand . Interested , I looked up to the top ; it was a slope of maybe 45 degrees , and there were people up there looking over the edge . I started to ascend the mountain , but the sun was directly in my eyes . I did reach the top , but unfortunately I didn 't get to look over the edge because I the dream scene shifted and I was in a weird airplane ride , but I could rewind what I was seeing . All I remember is that it was dark , and I think there was some magic involved . Last night I finally remembered a dream , because I made sure to go to bed early to increase those chances . It 's not very interesting either ( I 'm wondering whether this year 's dream will be nothing but boring ) , but it 's a step in the right direction . It was also a dream where I was basically fully conscious and aware of my choices , which I like . I also had this years dream sign : a bicycle , and last years : riding a bus , and all time : running slow . Wednesday 1 / 14 / 09 Bicycle on the Bus I 'm starting to wonder whether all my dreams this year will involve my bicycle ( dream sign if anything , I should start reality checking when I see it ) . In the beginning , details are vague and I can only remember being among a group of friends and discussing whether riding a bicycle could be considered exercise . I got mad because they all seemed to think that someone could bike forever and never get tired , hence biking was only for lazy people , and I left . Somewhere along the way I boarded a bus ( still with my bicycle ) , though if I really did this or if the scene switched I don 't know . I looked out the window and passed a bicycle shop . I saluted the people inside , just to confuse them . When I got off the bus , I realized I had never taken my bicycle ! I also noticed I had a geometry book in my arms , which was pretty heavy . I started to run to catch the bus , but the book was slowing me down and inhibiting my arm movements . I " sprinted , " really hardly moving faster than a jog speed , no matter how I tried . I found that running backwards , I 'd actually run significantly faster , but felt like I was going to fall , so I switched back . Finally I hit the end of this long road , which overall had taken me through a small city arranged in grid form . I entered a tunnel on my right , and saw police describing some crash that happened between buses , and how they took out all the stuff on the bus and put it into a room . I examined the room , hoping to find my bike , but to no success . I did find a nice lawn chair , which I subsequently " remembered " I had left on the bus also . What I was doing with a lawn chair and a bike on a bus is anyone 's guess . An older couple told me it was their chair , and on second examination I decided they were right , and gave it back . I supposed my bus wasn 't involved in the crash and started to keep going around the block , hoping to find my bus ( or maybe have it find me ) . Eventually I reached this shed I wanted to go through , which had the title of a children 's story and required me to go all the way around tIn this fragment we had a ten foot trampoline in " our " backyard , though it looked very different . I also seemed to have a pet , because there was a massive animal cage next to it . I checked out Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming for the second time in order to try to motivate me to have lucid dreams . I read it just before falling asleep , and am happy to report that it gave me that " eerie " and " unexplored " feeling again I used to have when I first joined . No , I didn 't lucid dream , but I remember one dream . It had some interesting parts , but unfortunately my dreams this year as still seemingly dull . Thursday 1 / 15 / 09 Those sights are off . . . The first part of this dream I remember was when I saw my two aunts that apparently had come to visit all the way from Israel . I was really happy and hugged both . Honestly though , something wasn 't right about the hugs , and I tried to resist admitting that to myself , because if I was in denial about what was happening I could enjoy this while it lasted . Almost like I blocked out lucidity . The scene skipped and I was leaving school . I saw a huge guy start to warn me about the people around me , saying that they were dangerous and that I was too skinny and weak to be messing with them . I had to agree with that second part , but I didn 't notice anyone dangerous . Besides , at my school I 'm on everybody 's good side or on no side of them at all , what harm could come ? Actually , none really . I simply walked to my bike as usual ( there 's the bicycle again ) to open the lock and ride home . It was then that I noticed that I had locked up my bicycle in two pieces . One was the body frame and back wheel , and the other was the front wheel and handlebars . I had never recalled my bike being able to come apart , much less in this way , but I didn 't question that much when I noticed both my front and back wheels were almost flat . I decided I 'd ride it home anyway , and then , finally , my dream started getting a little weird . The first thing I noticed was a line of people , single file and stretching back hundreds upon hundreds of feet , all waiting to cross the road . Also , there was a point where about half the line crossed the road , and those that remained did not advance to the crosswalk but just stayed in the same position . This went on for a while , until someone near the back shouted " move up ! " which they were all happy to oblige to . " What a bunch of idiots , " I thought , as I started climbing up playground equipment which was just there . I passed a few people , not paying much attention , until I noticed I was carrying a BB gun . I intuitively knew my sights were off , and so hitting any far target would prove to be useless . When I got off the Extra Comments I felt like writing extra about this somewhat uneventful dream ; mostly about my bicycle . I think it is interesting that I 've been having so many dreams involving it lately . Granted , I ride my bicycle to and from school every day , but people ride their cars to and from work every day and may rarely dream of them . I think that one reason is that , literally , for my whole life this bicycle existed . I rode on the back of it on an attachable seat as a baby , inherited it when I was around ten , and obsessively rode it around basically every major ( and almost every minor ) road within an eight mile radius . Of course then , I would be deeply attached to it . However , though I used to dream of my bicycle before , it was never on a nightly basis . I 'm left wondering if it is my very wonder of why I keep dreaming of my bicycle , that results in dreams of my bicycle ! At any rate , I have now adopted a " see bicycle , do a reality check , " attitude toward my bike in hope that perhaps I can milk the opportunity for all it 's worth . Secondly , I am interested in the way I was about to shoot people for no apparent reason . It is kind of eerie to think that I simply had a gun , and seeing people in the distance , wanted to shoot them . Obviously , there 's a lot of dream logic involved , but what I find most weird is that I had nothing against those figures in the background to begin with . I 've noticed this with many guns in my dreams ; it 's like I just know that this isn 't real . When I was shot in this dream , it wasn 't dramatic or anything . I knew the guy would shoot me , I looked into the barrel , and without fear at all waited to be shot . When my vision faded to black I wasn 't alarmed in the slightest either . Anyway , I thought that was interesting . Well , I 've decided if I want to get serious , I have to record everything I remember , even if that means fragments of fragments . I know last nights dreams were interesting , but I can 't remember then , so let 's record what I know . Friday 1 / 16 / 09 Dream Fragment : Monopoly I had one fragment where I was in a third person point of view , and I saw a group of three people standing around behind a little kitchen island . They had a Monopoly board set up , that looked as if all had just stopped mid - game , and someone counting his Monopoly money . Also was a younger person , maybe twelve , that started to pour an orange liquid into a cup , but the liquid seemed to fill up an invisible cup above the other cup . The child 's father came and " zapped " the cup magically , both changing the color of the liquid from orange to yellow , and making the invisible cup , well , vanish . All the liquid then poured into the cup below . Since magic is only an illusion , I only thought , " nice trick . " Dream Flashbacks Dream flashbacks are shorter than fragments ; they are just little flashes of emotion , or the gist of what I was doing . I had one of these last night . ~ The area around me is a light grey , and I have to get up to higher ground . The need to get up to higher ground is not really for my safety , but because I think I will have some technical tests run up there . I guess in a way my prayers for more interesting dreams have been answered with a dream full of pure creepiness last night . I didn 't get lucid in any of my dreams ( I woke up many times either not remembering a thing , or only a fragment ) , and can only remember two dreams that I had later in the morning . My second one is funny , because even while in the dream I was convinced it was a video game . Saturday 1 / 17 / 09 Spontaneous Combustion This dream was messed up . I was sitting with my dad , and we went to YouTube . We saw a list of videos , and we clicked on one of this fat girl , which being quite a normal thing wasn 't distrubing in the slightest . Then we clicked a link and got to the next video . The video was dark and filled my entire view . It had this old lady standing in front of a sheet of glass . I was a little scared because of the darkness , and the lack of color , but then she moved aside a little and I saw something a little worse . . . On a bed behind her were these two skeletons ( or people so skinny they make me look obese , and I 'm 5 ' 7 and 112 pounds ) , having sex on the bed . That may sound funny now ; it is funny now , but you can imagine how much that disturbed me in the dream . We switched to a second screen , this one was only a picture . My dad laughed , and said , " Spontaneous combustion . " I could now see that one girl in the middle of getting up from a lying position was literally on fire , and it wasn 't hard to see that she was screaming . " How the hell do you think this is funny ? " I yelled at my dad , scared now that apparently spontaneous combustion was real . Finally the dream took a funnier turn to things . It was an Ebay advertisement selling a " Giant Mango . " It had a description which read something like , " It used to eat people , but by means of a button it will now only eat fruits , " showing the mango next to another mango it was about to eat . I laughed at this obviously fake advertisement , especially at the way that the " giant " mango was simply a normal mango with a picture taken up close to the camera lens against a large table . This sound is phenomenal ! In the beginning of this dream , I saw my brother playing what I understood to be a Medal of Honor game . I " remembered " the part he was at , in which a ridiculous amount of helicopters seemed interested only in killing him . My brother would shoot maybe one or two shots and the helicopter would go down . " How do you do that ? " I asked him , but didn 't get an answer . Soon enough , I started to mesh iWhy , oh why ? In this dream I was almost lucid ; so close I actually was considering myself lucid though I hadn 't quite rounded the curve into true lucidity . Then what has to happen ? A really hot , hardly dressed girl comes along , distracting me from my goal of becoming lucid . I 'll let you all figure out the rest . . . I tried more WILDing with no success . It seems I always fall into a non conscious sleep , then wake up just fifteen minutes later if I try . Last night I remembered one fairly long and weird dream . You can tell I 've been playing too many video games lately , because once again I occasionally thought I was playing one . However , by thinking it 's a video game , at least I 'm recognizing that what is happening is not real , so I 'm getting closer to lucidity . Sunday 1 / 18 / 09 The Evil of an Organized " Google " In the beginning of this dream , I was going to go to sleep in my bed like normal ( in fact , now that I think of it , there 's a good chance this was after a failed WILD ) . Then , as I was dozing off , three girls came in . They weren 't like the normal kind , these ones had muscles . Huge muscles . Let 's just say that I didn 't try to mess with them as they took my bed for themselves . I now saw , in third person , that me and a two other guys that were supposed to be my friends , were trying to fall asleep on the carpet , but the roof was leaking so much it was like it was raining indoors . We had to go find a new place to sleep . We got out through the window , two stories up . It was not raining , but I didn 't notice this in the dream . We held onto a windowsill , feet dangling over a pretty large fall . Then , we moved to the left , even having to " hop " over from one windowsill to another . My friends ran down into the next building , but I could see my mom in the window . I couldn 't let her see me running away ( and apparently I wasn 't going to tell her that my bed was stolen either ) . I got down into some plants , making sure to stay low and in the shadows , because the light from inside was illuminating quite a bit of my hiding spot . I barely lifted my head to look at her , and when she turned away from the window I instantly took off and ran . I was disappointed to see that the way I was running was lit up with a very bright , florescent light , but I didn 't my best to keep low and in the darker areas . When I got into the next building , I saw my best friend 's mom . I think there was a scene change , because I was back in my room with the girls again . I realized I still had not slept a bit . I looked out the window , and almost instantly the dark gave way to a pretty , orange / yellow light . I had to climb from the window sill apparently , but now instead of two stories high , I seem to have been three , maybe even four stories up . I once again " hopped " to another windowsill , and noticed I had no other choice than to drop ( or use the stairs in the houseShare This night , Sean999 , thedreawmingwolfess , and I all met up in LD Chat here at 3 : 00 AM PST in for a WBTB . Unfortunately , neither I nor thedreamingwolfess got lucid , but I don 't know about Sean . I did recall two fragments , and one dream though . They weren 't anything special this time . Monday 1 / 19 / 09 Crappy Track Team In the beginning of this dream , my parents said we had to move to Israel . I 'd have to learn to read and write in Hebrew , make all new friends , etc . Instead of that , it seems that I soon moved schools locally . Since I switched schools , I needed to switch track teams as well . It did feel a little weird that I 'd be competing against people from a former school , but I could accept that . Eventually I was basically in the track class , which had very few people . We were practicing in an enclosed room , and a coach told us to run a distance which probably doesn 't even equate to 25 meters . After doing that , I went back to the mentality that I was in Israel and never going to see my friends again , but in came two of my friends . I was so happy to see him , I hugged him , even teared up a bit , which sounds dumb now , but the dream gave me a very convincing feeling that I 'd never see my friends again . After that , everyone on the track team lined up in a spiral that continued inside the room . The spiral would change elevation , with the lowest point being the center of the spiral . And so , boringly , I waited in line . Eventually I realized that I hated this . Practicing track indoors ? This was ridiculous . The sound of the air conditioner was overpowering , but it was still hot and sweaty . I had some false memories of our outdoor track . Not to mention , even though a couple of my friends were here , they were only visiting , plus I 'd not see my other friends . I decided to call my mom to pick me up because I hated it so much . I found a phone ( and noted that the spiral was packed all the way to the center with hundreds of sweaty people ) , and tried to remember the number . It was slightly tough in my dream to recall a real telephone number , but in the end I recalled our home number , and ended up dialing a mix between our home and my mom 's cell number . Close enough . I then heard a voice through the phone which sounded like a live operator . He was blabbering about every single thing the phone was doing , like " attempting connection " and then toldFragment 1 : It is night time . I see a guy hanging on the ceiling and he has shards of a mirror hanging all around him , like a gillie suit . Soon I see my friend , who said something about video game prices . " Personally , " I said , " I find the concept of a $ 60 video game slightly ridiculous . " Something weird happened last night . I set my alarm for 3 : 50 , but I don 't remember waking up at 3 : 50 . Likewise , when I woke up naturally at 4 : 47 , the button for the alarm was still set , indicating that it should have still been active . Another funny thing that happened is that when I awoke at four and recorded one of my dreams , my dad walked in to investigate why there was light in my room , and scared the crap out of me ! As for the dreams , they were short , but weird enough to satisfy me . Tuesday 1 / 20 / 09 Illusions of Lucidity The beginning of this dream was really boring . I had just beaten Mass Effect , and the ending was about these yellow , roll up , fibers that were supposedly evil being able to heal any spaceships . All the fibers later became pigeons . I held one of the pigeons , and really liked him . Then , I believe I did the nose reality check . I noticed I could breath , and knew that I must be dreaming . However , though I knew this , I didn 't recognize the true meaning of a dream , just that I could do whatever I want . I wasn 't really lucid . After that , I plunged into the ocean below to explore . Being an early dream , I can 't remember much of this part . I remember seeing signs everywhere to signify which species of fish lived where , and I did see some coral reefs and schools of fish . I then thought that I 'd like to see a tropical reef , because the ones I was at were lacking in color . The dream then ended , or I just awoke . Medical Bloodsucking Technically , this is short enough to be a fragment , but it 's odd enough for me to promote it to dream . I started off normally ; filling out papers and doing work in school . My teacher came by , and collected my papers . I said I hadn 't finished them all , but he was pleased with what I had . Then I met my driving instructor . Don 't even ask me what it was , but I was all of a sudden convinced I needed a blood transfusion , and fast . My driving instructor took the role of a doctor , and sat me down in another room . He pricked me with a long needle ( which unfortunately was a very realistic feeling ) , and I saw my blood flow into a machine . Then , my instruction started sucking up all my blood through the other end . Nearly every bit of it started flowing out my body ! Why wasn 't I dizzy , I should be dizzy , were my thoughts . I was then hit with a wave of total exhaustion . Somehow , I still trusted my " doctor " and tried to give into it . It would be easier if I wasn 't conscious . The feeling reminded me a lot of a successful WILD . My instructor took a syringe and injected some new blood through the same vein . I instantly felt better . " Do you think I 'll be able to bike home ? " I asked . " You shouldn 't have a problem , " he answered . I walked outside and started wondering about whether it was worse to die consciously or unconsciously . After that experience , I decided I 'd rather die consciously , though I couldn 't really figure out why . Unplugging the Pool This dream began with me seeing an advertisement for a van we could buy . One of the points was " It even has a working carburetor ! " I 'd hope so . A second later I was inside the vehicle in the passenger seat , but now it was long as a bus . My mom was complaining that the maximum speed was only 40 mph . I had a false memory of learning that the car could get 40 mpg . The fact that a bus could get 40 mpg was pretty impressive in my mind . My mom floored the bus as if to prove her point , and I only felt the tiniest tinge of acceleration . Soon we got to a windy road , and my mom said something like , " I hate this thing on Craigslist , " with Craigslist meaning the road itself . When we reached the end of the road , we got to some beach . There were many people ; one yelled out some random things directed at my sister , but others seemed content just walking around or sitting down . One girl caught my eye ( she was like perfect ) , but I didn 't get to look long because we took a turn into a parking lot and went into an indoor pool . Though we were at the beach , I was too curious to miss seeing what it was like inside . The first thing I was met with was a realization ; I had no goggles . My eyes are very sensitive to the chlorine , so I needed to find some quick . Luckily there was a nice looking pair just off to the side . I started toward them , but a little kid got there before I did . I was sure they weren 't his , and so I was somewhat pissed off , because they were just what I needed . I went into the pool anyway , and very quickly began to drift off to the other side of the pool . The current was surprisingly strong , and I couldn 't fight it . I tried to grab a wall , but it was too far . Luckily , I soon found that the current had changed to just a small , lazy circle , so I 'd always get back to where I started . I got out for a moment , and when I came back into the pool , there was no water at all . Unlike some dreams , noticed this right away , and noticed that a massive , bathtub like plug was unplugged from a drainage hole in the pool . I also saw the sFragment 1 : I played Burnout on my PSP right before I went to bed , so I 'm not surprised . In this dream , I was just playing Burnout on my PSP , understanding that it was Burnout Legends . Fragment 2 : I was sitting with my friends enclosed by a fence on all sides . We were supposed to leave the area , but didn 't feel like it . Soon I noticed these yellow strands floating in midair , understanding them to be launchers that could make us fly for short times in the air . Fragment 3 : This was a longer fragment . At first I just felt by my ears , and was very surprised to find that I had two < a href = http : / / www . lockz . com / Keyless _ Locks - Keyless _ Dial _ Padlock . jpg > locks < / a > hanging on my ear by the looped portion . I felt them around for a while . . . surely they weren 't there before . Did I need them to go with my braces ? I checked around . Nobody else had any locks on their ears . I unlocked both by chance of a random combination , and went to check the mirror after removing both of the locks . Instead of just holes , it was as if my ears were torn a lot , and I unhappily studied the large tear . I think I 've dreamt of years in a bad way for two days in a row is because I have a painful zit inside my ear , on the side that I sleep on . Ugh , school 's started again after a nice four day weekend . Naturally my recall fell again . I find that waking myself up at 3 : 00 really helps recall wise , but I don 't do that on school days when I wake up at 5 : 50 . Wednesday 1 / 21 / 09 Dream Fragments Fragment 2 : I wanted to boil water , and my brother showed me an odd machine that would do it . I flipped my cup over for no reason . Then I started singing they song from Aladdin " You Ain 't Never had a Friend Like Me . " That same recall thing happens to me - odd . As well as having that 4 - day weekend . ^__^ You have pretty good recall , though , otherwise . : ] I think your dreams are really interesting . Thanks wolfess . That didn 't happen to me last night though . I woke up on the hour of every hour , so naturally a couple of those times I brought dreams back into the waking world with me . They weren 't the most interesting I 've had , but it isn 't like they were boring or anything . Thursday 1 / 22 / 09 Avi Wins the Lottery This dream began with me in my World History class . It seems as though I was given an assignment to color the desks . I didn 't understand why the teachers would want me to ruin their desks , but I obliged . At first it was just colored pencils . I would color just random spots on the table , but the pencils were dull in both ways ; bland colors and flat ends . I went to go get something that was a little more lively , and found a yellow marker . As I walked back , a sitting girl rolled up her shirt and showed me her belly , then asked " Will you color my tummy ? " When I got back to the table , my marker was now a large crayon . When I drew on the desk it left a huge , rubbery mark that I scratched off . I asked the teacher if she still wanted me to color with it , and she didn 't have a problem . Me and a girl I know from track last year kept on coloring for a bit , until the teacher turned on a projector with a gray screen , save some little click - able words ( assumingly through an attached computer ) . One of these words read " HOF . " I had a false memory of having taken this program home and finding nothing of interest , then telling my teacher . She gave me a quizzical look , perplexed by why I had not figured out I had to click " HOF , " which currently I thought was something random I had installed onto the program at my house . When she clicked on it a video started . At first it was nothing more than a kid ( that was sitting next to me in the class ) blabbering random thing after random thing , in a surprisingly deep voice . At one point the video scene changed and he came out dressed as a girl ( fake boobs and all ) , but retained his deep voice . It was over so fast I couldn 't tell if I had just imagined it . Well . . . on the second thought , I had just imagined it ; it 's a dream . Eventually I joined this scene , and found myself in a theater . I really can 't remember anything from in this theater , because I added in a lot of " memory " later on in the dream . At any rate , eventually I was driving in a car and discovered that my dad 's friend , Avi ( who wasIn this dream I started on the side of the most large road in my town at nightfall . Around me were a group of people I slightly know , including a kid that always says my name when he passes me . I looked at him for a second , and his real life friend snuck up behind him and gave him a push right into the road . My first impulse was to run right to him in hope of pulling him out of the street before it was too late , but mid run I suddenly stopped for a reason I still don 't understand ( it 's like the dream just forced me to stop ) , and I saw a car hit his leg , which launched his body up by the force of the leg 's sudden lurch . He then spun about 200 degrees and landed on the sidewalk with his injured leg in a rather awkward position . Other than that he looked to be good ; I assumed only his leg had broken . I ran over to him , me and another guy lifted him up for no reason really , but that I wasn 't thinking straight in my dream . I stupidly held his legs , but since I didn 't notice this , obviously " he " didn 't either , so I wasn 't luckily wasn 't subjected to screams of pain . We carried him a little until I saw his mother and father come down and they took him away . I stood on the sidewalk , facing the road a bit , now fully taking in what had just happened . VIP Elevator More a memory of a memory in the beginning , I started presumably riding my bicycle and making a left turn . I know it was a very bright and cheery day , and I seem to remember a whole bunch of white seeping in between the tree leaves . I then sort of filed through a variety of neighborhood , the one I remember most reminding me of London , and there was quite a bit of trash on the ground ( mostly old paper or plastic bags ) . I soon reached a " tower , " or at least I understood it to be a tower . From what I can salvage from my memory , it was totally black , yet inviting , and it brought to mind a castle , but retained the image of a massive house . There was a rectangular , silver plaque on it , which was the name of a company that built it . When I entered , I came to see what looked like an enormous black piston centralized in the building ; it was really an elevator . I went inside the elevator and saw people I " remembered " were famous actors , and even England 's own queen ( but she was in a wheelchair ) . Feeling out of place , I exited the elevator . The last thing I remember is having my dad explain that this building was in Texas . I saw a video of it , and noticed that above the castle like base there was an exceedingly long pole extending out the top . I assumed that was the elevator 's path to a circular balcony at the top , but my dad explained it was actually an elevator for cars . " You 'd only find this stuff in Texas , " I said . Dream Fragment : Burnout In this dream , at first I was walking around a large , square , lunch area at school with two girls . I liked one of them , but I didn 't really know why . She liked me back too , and we just kept walking around and around . We eventually both ended up inside a class room against the front wall . I remember something about my teacher wanting me to write with " chalk " though he really meant the white board . The girl and I stood by the wall , and started to give a presentation about nothing . Someone asked a question , and I joked that she should throw paper at him . Everybody laughed , though awake I can 't see the humor . Then , the scene changed and I was getting up from a desk . A substitute teacher outside told us , " I won 't allow you to speak of your ' crushes ' or people you like , " right before we all filed out to lunch . I saw my real teacher pass by , who asked what the substitute was like . I said she was " a little weird . " Then , I kept looking for that same girl I had walked around with earlier , but couldn 't find her . Eventually a guy I know pulled me to the side , and told me to watch what he was going to do . He dropped a blue Gusher fruit snack , then stepped on it . " Did you hear the sound it made ? " he asked , " Those were sound waves ! " Needless to say I wasn 't very impressed . Dream Fragments Fragment 1 : I was watching Wall - E , but it was different . The camera panned over a company , and I heard two men talking in the background . Fragment 2 : This fragment was something about escaping from some sort of machine that lay on the ground . Ummm , thanks for the comment , but please keep on - topic in this thread . Anyway , last night I had only one major dream I remember , but quite possibly the longest series of false awakenings known to man - with a nice twist to the whole ordeal . Saturday 1 / 24 / 08 Ella 's Dream Hostages My God , what can I say about this one . I had attempted a WILD , but had failed multiple times . I decided to just give up and go to sleep normally . When I passed into a dream , I actually dreamt I had fallen out of bed . I could hear my parents yelling downstairs about my sister having " scarlet fever . " She had a fever of 212 ( the boiling point of water ) ! That , of course , was impossible . But I also felt a little funny as I always do in false awakenings . I was probably sick too , I reasoned . I can 't even remember what happened next . At first there was something about cars . I would enter a car , " wake up " in my bed , enter another car , " wake up " in my bed , saw a hot wheels car move , " woke up " in my bed . It was insane ; probably about five or so false awakenings before I caught on . I was still convinced I was awake . I needed to go to my computer now . Now the same thing happened . Every time I sat in my seat , I 'd " wake up " in my bed once more . I did this , I 'd guess , eight times , before I caught on once more . That final time I had gotten to a site where it looked like I had posted a question about whether it was normal . Someone wrote , " Well , you could try passing it off as a ghostly experience . " My dream logic took over ; ghosts could be the only cause . So now , back in my bed , I heard the voice of a ghost I knew was named Ella . She said that she was holding twenty of my dreams hostage ! What is odd , is that I was still thinking I was awake , even though I accepted I 'd be having more false awakenings . The cycle continued ; I 'd get up to go to my computer , and end up in my bed again . Again , and again , and again . I had had enough ! I wanted to wake up for real . The next false awakening , I was convinced I had done that . I looked over to my dream journal , and saw that I had recorded every single false awakening . I especially noticed I had written " Ella " down . In fact . . . a little blurb popped up on the top right of my vision . It said I still had eleven dreams held hostage . Interestingly , I didn 't have anything against Ella . I was fairly sIn this dream I started off riding my dad 's motorcycle on the freeway . The memory brings up multiple reminders of the color tan . We kept going , but soon I noticed I wasn 't holding on to my dad 's belt ; I was holding on to the two handles at the back of the motorcycle ! I could fall very easily . I would never consider I was dreaming , because I told myself , in waking life , that when on the motorcycle even if I was 99 percent sure I was dreaming , until the thing started to fly I wasn 't convinced for safety reasons . My dad yelled at me to let go of the back and hold on to him . There really was not much we could do ; a change in speed would make it harder . I fell forward onto him , and was relieved to find I made it . The scene changed and my dad and I were on top of some huge pillars , a few hundred feet in the air , and we understood there to be a Toys R Us below . We wanted to go in , not really knowing why , but of course being on the pillars sort of limited us . Then I saw a massive shopping cart , tall as the pillars , very close to me . There were even enormous plastic bags inside of it , with nothing in them . That was my ticket down . I jumped , rather fearlessly , to the bags , hoping they 'd absorb the shock of the fall . Luckily for me , they did . Then , I entered a plot about walking around the inside of the building I had mysteriously entered looking for a Spanish class . There were some monkey bars which I swung on for a bit ( it was funny to find them inside a building ) , then we ( my mom and I ) continued . The room we entered had a video running . The professor in the room was also in the video , and it showed him in some slapstick comedy video where he punched an older man with a long beard in the face . My mom and I didn 't understand what this had to do with Spanish . The video just kept getting crazier , but I forgot in what way this was . Yeah , I know , that was the purpose of the ' off topic ' smiley . I didn 't mean to be off topic or anything . . . but it happened anyways . Besides , your sig does say . . . " All comments are welcome ! " XD Anyways , back to the ON topic - ness . You had , what , a thousand FA 's ? It 's kind of funny how you got on the computer . So , how many dreams are still hostage ? Do you know what it meant that your dreams were " being held hostage " ? ? Because I don 't really understand . . . Hah , good point , I did say all comments are welcome . Yesterday I responded to a thread about video games and dreaming , and came to the conclusion that if you dream of being in a video game , it is probably hard to become lucid since you 'll accept mostly anything that will happen , and dream logic will stop you from realizing that you can 't be " in " a video game . Naturally , last night my dream was all about this . I had another dream about a " sex machine . " That shall remain private , thank you very much . Sunday 1 / 25 / 09 DramaViews In the beginning , I remember being in a dark room with a rectangular , semi - transparent screen in front of me . Other than being semi - transparent , it functioned like a normal television screen , and I was about to play a video game so there were lots of images and numbers littering the screen . Except in one spot on the lower right . The spot was completely clear , and directly behind this screen was a normal television , about fifteen feet back , which filled in the clear spot . Personally , I could not find any logical reason it would be like this , so I simply accepted it . Then , as usual , I became part of the video game I was playing . The embarrassing thing was that I was supposedly playing Tomb Raider , and didn 't notice that I could not take the role of Laura Croft directly because I 'm a guy . Still , without changing in physical appearance , I was Laura Croft . I got into a normal looking room , which was well lighted , and explored it a little . In a closet on the left I discovered several rolls of tape , including both duct and electric tape . That could come in handy . I picked them up , and noticed that they did not vanish in my hand ( which would mean it would pass on to " inventory " in a game ) . It was a shame , but I couldn 't really expect everything to be usable in a video game . Then the scene switched and I was on Dream Views . There was a huge thread full of newcomers complaining about a whole bunch of normal members . Some I remember right now are Xox , Daniel Danciu , and , of course , me . In fact , I was in every complain on the page . " Yosemine is so annoying , " " Yosemine is so naive , " and so on were all over their posts . I was about to post a smart - ass reply , but the dream ended . Last night I remembered two short , but vivid dreams . I also noted that I woke up naturally at 4 : 24 and 6 : 03 ( which really is about 90 minutes apart , but could be a coincidence ) . Monday 1 / 26 / 09 The City Helicopter In the beginning of this dream I was in the family car , and my dad was driving on a train track . The tracks seemed old fashioned , but I knew that there were only new trains that used them , and I could see about three side by side on the dusty ground . I was starting to get scared a train would come while we were on the track , but the scene changed slightly and I was now alone and waiting for one of the trains . The concrete boarding area had the usual " DO NOT PASS " yellow line , but it was drawn very far back from the edge . In the dream , this told me the trains here passed very fast , and the turbulence they created was strong . I was a little afraid , and sat behind some boxes , as far from the line as I could go . I 'm unaware of how the scene switched , but I was not walking along the dirt ground , right next to another train track . It was extremely hot , and I could really feel it . I had the suspicion I was in Texas . Next to me , I saw a tree , and below it , an inviting , absolutely black , shadow . I sat in it and looked over to the train track . I now ' remembered ' my parents wanted me to meet them in a place in Texas that began with a " T . " I however couldn 't remember the name . I started to sing a bit , since I was alone and had nothing to do , and noticed my voice had a realistic southern accent to it . I talked to myself a little more , amused by my suddenly new accent . A tiny train came along ; it was maybe the size of a bed and had cute little rounded edges . The door opened up and I sat down in one of two metallic seats . I remembered that I didn 't exactly know where I was going . I asked the driver if I could borrow his phone to call my mom , and he gave it to me no questions asked . As soon as I opened it I saw a GPS map , and a dot for a city named " taherra , " written just like that without a capital letter . I then noticed there was another kid inside with me ; he had slightly darker skin and was sitting in the second seat right beside me . The poor driver had to control the train on his knees ! Very quickly , the train changed form , I started this dream next to the boy 's locker room at my school , yet I was convinced I was in Egypt . As I looked up into the sky , I saw faces in the clouds , perfectly formed and smooth as if sculpted out of marble . Still , they retained a certain puff to them ; they were without a doubt ordinary clouds other than the shape . There were three of them . It was amazing , and I stared up at them for a while . I then realized that clouds don 't stay the same shape forever , and without thinking whipped out a camera . The camera was silver and very thin , and through the display it seemed like it was a good one . I aimed at one of the faces that was just barely peeking out through the clouds below it ; it was my first priority because the clouds below would mask it first . I zoomed in to it , and snapped a great picture . When I took down the camera , I noticed that the faces were gone , and all that was left of them were the natural looking , cotton ball clouds that are common . I was glad I got a picture while I could . The next time I looked at the picture , it was not of a cloud , but of a real Asian girl , maybe twenty . I accepted this very quickly ; the face in the clouds was that of a real person . The girl had somehow become a cloud , and was now back to being a normal person . I started to see how it was done in a video , and heard that the girl found she could pass through fences , but I awoke . All I can say is that your dreams could be almost as weird as mine . ; D Nah , probably weirder . . . er , those I can remember , anyways . >.> ; I found that the Cloud Girl one was pretty interesting . Keep updating . I 'll probably stop commenting . XD Crap recall . The night before last I did remember a dream , but since it involved my balls exploding . . . well I skipped on the recording . I remember a fragment from last night . Wednesday 1 / 28 / 09 Dream Fragment : Lightning Me , my driving instructor , and a group of kids were all on top of a hill . It was getting dark , and a storm started up . There was lightning everywhere . I saw on a 3D map where the lightning would hit , and it just kept getting closer to us . |
I 'll give her points . I 'm a huge fan of the Dusk series . That is to say I 'm a huge closet fan . I wouldn 't be caught dead reading one in public , but who doesn 't want to fall in love with a gorgeous guy who 's going to live forever and cater only to your every need ? That said I 'm not an idiot . I realize vampires aren 't real . " Oh well . You won 't be needing these then , " she said . She laid a paper - clipped packet down on my bed and left without saying anything else . " I 'm still not going ! " I yelled , more for effect than any sort of real threat . I 'm barely sixteen . I mean I can drive around , but - and I say this with so much regret - there 's no way I could live out of my car . The packet and I had a standoff for a while , but they won eventually , as my mother knew they would . When I scanned the first page , I laughed a little because they were printouts from a website . My mother , the Betty Crocker who can barely work a cellphone , managed to go online and print information from about six different websites . Color me impressed . Once I had thrown away all the pages that were just Web ads , I started to read the bulk of the material . Apparently we were moving to a town called Terrace Park . Terrace Park , Indiana . A few of the more detail - oriented pages included a map for those of us who don 't know what Google Earth is . Terrace Park , Indiana , is located in Knox county about twenty minutes from the Illinois border to the west and about an hour and a half from the Kentucky border to the south . And it has a vampire . I 'll try and give you the abbreviated version . In the 1800s , a village in southern Indiana had a series of unexplained deaths . Each victim was found completely exsanguinated - drained of blood , definitely had to look that one up . At first wolves got the blame for the attacks , but according to legend , the true answer was more devious . Indiana had a vampire problem . Well , one anyway . The villagers called him Ivaylo - the Wolf . Then in 1843 the legend takes a decidedly literary turn . An earthquake struck . This village , which is now Terrace Park , was decimated . The earthquake 's intensity even caused the White River to split . The village of Terrace Park was now situated in between two branches of the same river . Popular lore states that a vampire cannot cross running water . This was a problem for both the surviving villagers and Ivaylo . The remaining few couldn 't leave ; the river was too high . The vampire couldn 't leave . Ever . Apparently a village elder struck a deal with the Wolf and the decision was this : the villagers would feed the vampire if he promised to harm no one who lived in between the rivers . Blah , blah , blah , a hundred and so years later the promise is still kept . So that 's pretty cool . I mean Ivaylo 's no Ambrose Singleton - the vampire from Dusk in case you live under a rock . What are the odds that an old vampire nicknamed the Wolf is going to want to pamper me with poetry and angst ? Nil . But my mom still scores points for trying . The events leading up to the move aren 't particularly noteworthy , so I 'll spare you the details . Suffice it to say we made it to Terrace Park in one piece . I figured I 'd ride out the next few days before I had to restart school . I asked mom why we couldn 't wait until after Christmas , but I guess my dad was in high demand . How was my dad in high demand in the middle of nowhere , you ask ? Corn . Across the river from where I 'm now living , they have this grain plant that turns corn into alcohol or something . Basically our dependence on foreign oil is responsible for my life being turned around . But back to just hanging out in my room . That first night , the very first night we 're there , Dad tells me we have to go have dinner with his boss and asks me to please look respectable . I wore the lowest cut top I own . I mean , hey , it looks good , and if I can embarrass my dad in the process , well that might just go a little way toward us being even . Spoiler Alert : This plan backfires . Coming up with no suitable retort I said , " No , sir , " and continued into the house , my parents making excuses for my behavior already . I kept walking in because I thought that 's what I was supposed to do , and then I run straight into the most gorgeous guy I 've ever seen in real life . I mean I don 't want to sound like a complete fangirl here , but we 're talking Ambrose Singleton 's werewolf nemesis , Isaac Sable . Aside from the boy standing in front of me not being any part Indiana - and I doubt werewolf either - he looked just like what I imagined Isaac would look like . Tall , dark , athletic , he definitely had it all . " No shit ! " Yes . I cursed right in front of my dad 's new boss . I managed to almost recover , explaining that I had been trying to guess his name before she told me and I got a little overzealous when I found out I was right . And boy does it get worse . I must have looked mortified , and if I didn 't look mortified then , I did when I saw Isaac looking at me with this grin . ( Sure it was a cute grin , but I really , really didn 't want to blush any more . ) I just nodded , hoping that I gave a sufficient evil eye to my mother . To my credit , I finally caught a break by saying , " I 'd be on board with either of them . " In fact , I got quite a laugh out of that line , and if I wasn 't mistaken , I think I even got a wink from Isaac . Maddie : 1 ; Awkward Dinner : 50 . Mr . Adams then told me about this group called " The Consortium of the Curious . " ( I know , lame name , but bear with me . ) He said that if I liked vampires I should go to their next meeting . Apparently they were going after Ivaylo . Really the only other thing to note about that dinner is that afterward , before I left , Isaac cornered me on the way out and said , " You really shouldn 't go to that thing . It 's just a few nerds . You should come out with me . There 's a party on Friday . I have a feeling you 'd rather me introduce you to people than my dad . " I guess a hundred years from now if you 're reading this you 'd probably want to know a little about me because here I am on the verge of committing social suicide . You 'd probably be asking yourself whether or not I actually am a nerd . At my old school , I was a jock . Sort of . I play soccer . But my old school was huge . I was popular ; don 't get me wrong , but I still had a small group of friends . Bottom line : I am a nerd , but I like sports too . You can see my dilemma already . Because I did decide to go to that meeting and no one showed . There I am in Mr . Adams room , and it 's empty . I panicked for a second because I thought maybe I just had the wrong room . I started to leave when Mr . Adams comes running in . He 's out of breath , and I can tell something is wrong . Then he told me that the leader of the group , a boy named Michael , slipped into some kind of coma . He was in the hospital . He offered to drive me over . He said that the whole group - I sort of wish they 'd stop calling themselves a group because when one of them is down for the count it 's really just a trio - was over in Michael 's room . He changed my mind . " Listen , I know this is a strange position for you to be in , " he said , " but the thing is , they don 't have a lot of friends here at school . I 'm not going to twist your arm or anything , but I really think you should go . I 'm going to swing by on my way home . You could follow me in your car . I 'll introduce you . " He paused . Thought about something for a moment and said , " To be honest , they could use someone like you . " When we arrived at the hospital , only two people were in Michael 's room . The boy was slightly chubby , but in that football linebacker kinda way ; the girl was cute , but you could tell she didn 't notice . And at some point , we 'll have to do something about that skirt . It 's not ugly or anything , but I 'll let her wear it again when she 's forty . I learned that this was Tyler and Karen . Half of the Consortium . Ben , who Karen had said in a defensive but not unfriendly way was her boyfriend , had taken Michael 's parents to the cafeteria . Apparently eating hadn 't been on the agenda . Mr . Adams made the introductions and left ; Karen eyed me suspiciously ; and Tyler eyed me . Don 't worry . It was cuter than it was creepy . And at that moment , I had no idea what I was doing there . In my haste to be polite , and to be perfectly frank ignore the elephant in the room , I hadn 't even looked at the ringleader yet . And maybe I shouldn 't have . Lying there in that hospital bed was Ambrose Singleton or how I imagined him to be - slightly tall , fair - skinned but not in that sickly way , dark brown hair , and skinny , but again the healthy kind . I imagined his blue eyes trapped behind his eyelids , begging to open . This wasn 't love at first sight ; I think that takes two , and it wasn 't lust as I 'm not sure my hormones are ready for that sort of hyperdrive just yet . This was good old infatuation . I like to think of it as one - sided puppy love at first sight , but that 's a mouthful . My heart sank when I saw the flowers by his bed . I made small talk with the other two , while as stealthfully as possible walking toward them . Wouldn 't it figure ? Ambrose in the flesh and he 's eternally queer . Not only that , his boyfriend must be the sweetest boy ever because the card had a poem . I 'm pretty sure I 'll never forget what it said : I felt weird just standing there . I felt weirder because this was like some reverse Sleeping Beauty . Once the thought of leaning over and kissing him to complete the wake up process entered my mind I asked Tyler , " Do you think I should leave ? " My heart did one of those verbs that are used to describe bird 's wings . Take your pick . I couldn 't say anything . Tyler answered for me . " What 's the big deal ? " he said . Karen had texted him from the car and asked him to wait . He got into the backseat with Karen . His arms glistened with sweat . The car seemed , all at once , to smell better . An Adidas cologne lingered in the air , but only a hint . Ben wasn 't one to make the common mistake of over spraying . " Let me get this straight , " Ben said . " You guys think that whatever happened to the cow happened to this guy in the paper . You 're basing that off of a vision Michael and Tyler saw in the woods when we were fourteen ? " Everyone nodded , and had they been standing they all would have collectively bowed their heads and kicked imaginary cans . " Cool , " he said finally . " It 's at least better than going to those haunted houses Mikey finds . Those weirdos are nuts . How are we going to find the body ? " Michael gave Tyler directions to Japheth 's house . Japheth lived out on rural route 450 - the opposite side of town from the Willis farm , though the terrain all looked the same . Once outside of Terrace Park all one was likely to see was corn , soy beans , or pasture . The house sat right off the road . Michael had only been there once , and the house itself was not anything like what he would have imagined . It was small , and sad . Michael figured that Japheth would live in some sort of mystery manor paid for by Barnabas 's fortune . Japheth had explained that when his mother died , his father didn 't want to leave the house and his grandfather had insisted on moving in . The situation led to three men living in a two bedroom house . That sort of thing worked for sitcoms ; in real life , however , it just wasn 't that funny . A finger tapped the passenger side window . No one screamed , but everyone tensed up . Michael rolled down the window and a black - clad Japheth stuck his head in . " You didn 't tell me you were bringing backup . " " Just came back from the morgue , darling , " Japheth said . He smiled and then a strange look appeared on his face , not unlike the kind cops get on TV shows when they realize that someone very dangerous has infiltrated a group . " I 'm going to need to speak with Micky alone . " Japheth opened the passenger door , grabbed Michael by the arm , and escorted him out of the car . As Michael kicked the door shut with his foot , he heard Ben ask , " Did he just call him Micky ? " Japheth led Michael to the back of his house . A pair of motion - sensored lights illuminated the backyard . Michael felt like an escaped con . " Did you just call me Micky ? " Michael asked . " Yeah . Sounds better , " Japheth said and hurried Michael around a shed . The flood lights left a large shadow and Japheth pushed Michael into it . " Listen , we 're friends and all , but I gotta say , you 're starting to waltz into my territory . You handle ghosts and aliens . I take the criminals . That 's the deal . " Michael hadn 't been aware of any deal . Michael wasn 't sure how much he should tell Japheth . He liked him and didn 't want Japheth to think he was invading his turf . So he lied . " We 're teenagers . There 's a dead body . We want to see it . Plus there 's a legend that says it 's easier to communicate with the spirit of a person who was killed violently . " The interrogation had flipped , and Michael knew that he had gained the upper hand . He 'd never seen Japheth this territorial over anything . In fact , Michael wouldn 't have even thought Japheth capable of jealousy . " That 's classified , " Japheth said . He then tried deflecting . " Okay , listen , I can get you into the morgue , but if you 're caught , you can 't implicate me . This never happened . " Japheth handed Michael a cigarette and outlined the inner workings of Terrace Park General . " Shift change at the hospital is at eleven thirty . You 'll want to get there around midnight . There 's only one security guard on the weeknights , and he pretty much stays near the ER . There 's a side door where nurses go outside to smoke . It requires a keycard . " Japheth handed him a small plastic rectangle the size of a credit card . " This will get you in that door . Once inside , make a left and you 'll be in the lobby . There will be a night nurse on duty . She 's your only obstacle because the elevator to the morgue is right behind her desk and to the left . I 'm not even going to suggest you do what me and my grandpa did to get by that person because I don 't think it would work again in a million years . Let 's just say if the hospital catches someone else trying to let a dozen cats in the lobby , they 'll know something 's up . You 'll have to figure something out . " Michael paused , relishing the moment where he knew more about something than Japheth . " Listen . I really appreciate what you 're doing for me , so let me do something for you . " Michael told Japheth about the cow and where to find it . " I don 't know if the two are connected , but I 'd be willing to bet they are . Your dad 's not likely to hear about the cow because Mr . Willis keeps to himself , and I 'm sure this isn 't his first dead cow . You know how it is out in the country ; they aren 't likely to report that kind of thing . They 'll just tell each other and keep rifles on the porch . " On the way back to the car , Michael realized he smelled like smoke . He had always taken great care to not smoke at any time before he was going to see one of his friends . They didn 't know he 'd picked up the habit , and he really wanted it to stay that way . He reached into his pocket and pulled out a stick of gum for just such an emergency . He could blame the smell of his clothes on Japheth , but he wasn 't too keen on pinning the smell on his breath to the same culprit . Terrace Park General boasted itself as the largest hospital in the county . At eight stories , it was the second - largest building in the city . The first was a bank on main . It was also the second - widest compound in the city at just over three blocks . The first was Terrace Park High thanks to the basketball gym built in the twenties . The other thing that TPG held second place for was healthcare . The general consensus was if you were going to get sick , you better do it across the river . The Consortium held its impromptu meeting in the visitor 's parking lot on the south side of what the nurses were fond of calling " the Campus . " The parking lot sat behind the hospital , opposite the emergency room . Michael laid out the plan , explained about the keycard , and made sure everyone had alibis . The group as a whole hadn 't snuck out together since the night Karen and Ben disappeared . Michael and Ben told their parents they were going to be at Tyler 's house working on a school project . Tyler 's mom had promised to run interference as long as they brought back a picture . Karen told them she was covered but hedged when they tried to ask her how . After a few minutes , they let it go , and Michael explained the kink in the plan . " The only problem is , " he said , " is that there 's some sort of desk clerk in the main lobby . That main doors are closed , but they still have someone monitor the phone and help family members that have to stay overnight . Japheth said the elevator to the morgue is right behind the desk . I thought maybe one of us could call and distract whoever it is . " " No , " Michael said . " All he said was that shift change was at eleven thirty . " He glanced at the car 's dash . " Which is right about now . " A girl in her mid - twenties cat - walked up the steps of Terrace Park General . She had in ear buds , and she marched right along . " Oh my god ! It 's Handy Candy . " Tyler yelled . Candy Anderson , nicknamed " Handy " by some cruel , though not inaccurate seniors , graduated from Terrace Park High six years earlier . Her nickname , like everything else about her , was a double entendre . The G - rated version involved her always handing out personal belongings to help those less fortunate than herself . Essentially she was a people person . The non - Disney version still involved her being a people person , but it largely went unsaid . Candy had wanted to be a nurse , and after graduating , selected a community college in nearby Vincennes . She flunked out her first semester . Not wanting to completely back down on her dreams , she decided she could still help people and work at the hospital . Now she pointed people where they needed to go and answered the phone . Ben lifted his arm and inspected the muscle . Ben pretended he 'd never noticed , as if his arms surprised him . Michael had noticed one afternoon when Karen draped one of her arm 's through Ben 's . Her arm looked petite in comparison . In fact , Michael had thought at the time that Karen 's arms looked much like his own - skinny and pale . He had his dad buy him some weights that night . The four of them got out of the car and walked up to a side entrance . Michael held the keycard up to a black rectangle next the door , and a clicking sound snapped somewhere inside the frame . Michael eased the door open slowly . The secondary entrance was set back across the lobby from the main entrance . Most of the lights in the foyer were out , but a few remained on for anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves in a hospital lobby at midnight . " Okay , " Michael whispered , " Ben , you make your way around the lobby so it looks like you 're coming from the inside . We 'll wait here until you distract her . Whenever you can get free , meet us downstairs . Japheth said we won 't have any company once we 're on the basement floor . " Ben nodded and crept off . The remainder of the group watched as Ben made it successfully around the lobby and then started heading back toward the reception area . Halfway to his destination he yelled , " Candy ! Is that you ? " From where they were standing they couldn 't hear her response , but Michael thought that it may have been because she responded in one of those wavelengths that were so high - pitched only dogs could hear them . After the introductions were finished , Candy and Ben talked at a much more reasonable level , but nothing could be heard . All they could see was the flashing of pearly white smiles from both parties . After about a minute , Candy got up from her seat and began to approach Ben . She gave him a hug , which was lasting a beat too long , and caused Karen to blush . Michael worried what was going to happen next and was surprised to discover Karen grabbing his hand , interlacing her fingers with his , and saying , " Come on . " As they passed the two huggers , Karen shot Ben a look that no boy wants to be on the receiving end of , no matter how big his biceps are . Ben made matters worse by gripping Candy tighter , but the look on his face indicated that he was only doing it so she couldn 't turn around . There was a smile on his face that said , " Tyler made me . " The door opened onto a hallway that looked like it belonged in a slasher pic and not a hospital . The overhead lights hadn 't been changed since the seventies , and they hummed with the cadence of a bug zapper . At intervals that were not quite regular , one would flicker like it had caught a fat mosquito . There lingered in the air a scent of lemon disinfectant tinged with dirty mop water . Across the hall , they could see their destination . There wasn 't a giant sign that said , " Welcome to the Morgue , " but there was a bank of walls with small doors to push the dead into . The hurried off the elevator , the atmosphere having no effect on the excitement of seeing their first dead body . Michael and Karen had already been touched by death before . For Karen , it was her parents . They 'd died in a car accident an hour after a New Year 's Eve party . The funeral was held , and the caskets were never opened . As silently as they could , they pulled the cart out of the wall . There was a sheet over the body . Michael rhetorically asked , " Ready ? " and gently pulled the sheet off the head . It was the man from the woods . Michael stood there wanting desperately to continue pulling to see if the body was missing its organs like the vision he and Tyler shared , but he froze , waiting for the body to talk . Suddenly , a noise came from the hall and they all automatically crouched though they hid behind nothing . They waited there hunched over until they were sure it was clear . Then Ben appeared at the door . They didn 't say anything , but Tyler motioned for Ben to come over and see . Michael woke up on the sandbar at Lucky Point . His head hurting , and his pulse racing . Confused , he picked himself up off the ground , shook loose some of the grains trapped in the wrinkles of his clothes , and looked up at the sky . Immediately he knew something was wrong . He couldn 't remember the hospital , the hollow man , Handy Candy , any of it , but something bothered him about the sky . He stared , willing the answer to come to him . " It 's beautiful , isn 't it ? " The voice was behind him . The question sounded innocent , but the intonation was off as if the thing he were looking at wasn 't beautiful at all . " Why is everything orange ? " Michael asked . He turned around , but no one was behind him . He looked back to the sky and realized what was bothering him . The sky itself burned orange like it does at sunset . Only in every direction he could see the dome above was the color of a dreamsicle . Michael turned around again . An old woman stood on the other end of the sandbar , nearer to the river than Michael . Her wiry gray hair sprung out of her head at wild angles . Michael thought of Medusa , and then tried hard not to think of Medusa . " See what ? " He asked . " Everything , " she said , and the heavens burst . A million points of light streaked across the sky . The woman pointed and as she did a large meteor hovered overhead . She said , " Moros is coming . " The old woman dropped her arm and watched him for a minute . " The bringer of fate , " she said . She walked closer to him , and Michael could see that her eyes were a pale blue . She must be blind , Michael thought and the thought made him feel safe ; it made him feel as though he could hide from her if he needed to . His sudden courage shattered when she reached out and grabbed his wrist as if she knew right where he was . " Do you know what the other boy did when I told him about Moros ? " She didn 't wait for an answer . " He cried . The two of you are cowards . You call yourself an ' archivist ' and yet you don 't know Moros ? " She laughed again , a mad cackling sound . She reached a finger out , poked Michael 's stomach , and said , " I 'm looking forward to opening you up and seeing what I can see . " She released Michael 's wrist and reached into a pouch that was hanging off of her shoulders . She pulled out a long - bladed knife and plunged it into Michael 's chest . He started to scream , but no sound would come ; he wanted to pass out from the pain , and realized nothing hurt . Michael existed in a period of darkness , only hearing words . " Moros is coming , " " bringer of fate , " and " the four will fail . " He thought about his friends . Wondered where they were . He remembered Karen saying the old woman she 'd seen had warned that they couldn 't stop her , and now this , " the four will fail . " Amidst his brain earnestly trying to find out what all of it meant , he became aware of new voices : Slowly he opened his eyes . The dim lights of the hospital room still seared his retinas . But he could see Tyler standing at the foot of his bed . There was a girl next to him . A small blonde girl . Skipping any pleasantries Tyler went straight to the point , " Mickey , meet the Consortium 's newest member . Her name 's Maddie . " He said the last part as if he were proud of remembering . New member ? Michael thought . He wasn 't sure what was happening . He wasn 't even sure he was really awake , but the thought of having five members overshadowed all other questions that danced in his mind . He said , " Good , we need you , " and fell back asleep . " Potato , potato , " she said with the requisite pronunciations . Before Michael could say anything else she said , " I 'm not going back to Lucky Point . Our little group can go wherever you want , but Lucky Point is off limits . " She was about to say something else , but Mr . Adams had brought the class to order . Today , they were going over the periodic table . Chemistry wasn 't exactly in Michael Ridge 's wheelhouse , and apparently remedial chemistry was just as bad . While Tyler and Ben learned about the mysteries of the physical universe in AP Chemistry , Michael had to suffer through the realization that even the lowest level of this particular physical science was above him . Michael spent the entirety of the class trying to figure how to convince her to go check out the cow . After that fateful night two years ago , Michael became obsessed with the paranormal . He had even formed a club " The Consortium of the Curious . " Printed its newsletter out of his basement . At present the club only had four members , counting himself , and the newsletter had a readership of five , the Consortium members themselves and Tyler 's mom . The group only had two rules : ( 1 ) They would investigate any odd occurrences that happened in - or , now that they had driver 's licenses , around - Terrace Park , and ( 2 ) they wouldn 't step foot in Lucky Point again . When the bylaws were being created , Michael wanted to point out that all the weird stuff in Terrace Park happened at Lucky Point , but he held his tongue . And with results . The Consortium had , in two years , visited nine haunted houses , investigated fourteen UFO sightings , and interviewed one man who claimed to have been abducted by aliens . This fall they planned to take on the legend of Ivaylo , but Michael 's interests didn 't favor vampires , they were exclusive to aliens , and the cow was winning . Karen sent a glare toward Michael as if the edict had been his fault . He threw his arms up in a gesture of surprise to indicate this wasn 't his doing . The two of them walked up to the elongated desk at the front of the room . The desk itself was elevated as if Mr . Adams were a judge and was about to give his ruling . " Miss Fletcher , I 'm not interested in explanations . What I am interested in , however , is what the two of you are going to do about it . " Mr . Adams continued , " I know chemistry isn 't for everyone , but honestly , it 's not the worst . How are you doing in math ? " " I 'll tell you how you 're doing in math . You 're both passing . After I spoke with your other teachers , I find out that you 're at least passing in all your other classes , and in some of them , you 're doing better than that . What is it about my class that the two of you find so uninspiring ? " Michael supposed it was a fair question . He had no trouble in any of his other classes , and come to think of it , he wasn 't entirely aware he had been doing so poorly in this one . In fact , Mr . Adams was one of his favorite teachers . " I think , " Mr . Adams said amid Karen 's mumbling , " I think some extra credit is in order . I want you both to write a five page essay on a topic of your choosing . I 'm not out to punish either of you ; I know you 're good kids , but I don 't know what else to do at this point . I 'll make it easy on you . All you have to do is use the scientific method , and I 'll look the other way if it isn 't exactly related to chemistry . Lord help us if either of you decide to become chemists anyway . I 'll even let you do it on one of your ghost hunting sessions as long as you use science . None of that pseudo - stuff , okay ? " " I 'll save you the trip . There is absolutely no way I 'm going anywhere near a dead cow . I 'll repeat my sophomore year first . " She looked at him and must have felt pity because then she said , " I 'll think about it . " Michael nodded , and Mrs . Schneider went on with her lesson on poetry . Today , she lectured about William Blake . His interest piqued when the teacher said something about the Proverbs of Hell , and one line : " The weak in courage is strong in cunning . " The tiny aphorism made him think about himself or at least think about himself in a way he would like others to think about him . Tyler and Ben both had sports , football and baseball respectively . Michael only had his mind , and if Mr . Adams 's science class told him anything , it was that he wasn 't going pro any time soon . " Thanks for the tip , " Michael mumbled once he was relatively sure Ben couldn 't hear him . Michael realized that as they were getting older , his other friends ' interests were shying away from the paranormal . Tyler had football . Ben now picked up tennis on top of baseball . Michael , however , became more concerned when he realized that Ben was turning into a genuine , all - American , preppy athlete . Once the girls caught on , Karen was going to be constantly jealous , and Michael wasn 't looking forward to that . The National Guard had an armory two blocks from the school . The building was situated against a slope that led up to the Terrace Park golf course . The armory stood three stories , but the top one was the only level that peeked over the hill . Michael moved quickly around the side of the building . A tiny alleyway was formed on the west facing side of the building between the wall and the hill . He had a meeting scheduled . " Do you have the money ? " A boy roughly Michael 's age asked . He was dressed in a black jacket and wore a T - shirt that said , " If you 've ever slept with someone with writer 's block , you may be at risk . " Michael could see his own scowl off the kid 's Foster Grants . Japheth Brown was hand 's down the weirdest kid at Terrace Park High , though if pressed Michael wouldn 't be able to tell you why and that in itself was part of the problem . Japheth 's grandfather , Barnabas was a mystery writer of some acclaim . He 'd written something like seventy books , and his grandson planned to carry on the tradition . The only problem was he spent most of his time plotting and reenacting his own scenes that when it came time to actually write them , most of the spirit was lost . Michael had once even volunteered to help him with one of his drafts . He never volunteered again . " What 's new ? " Japheth asked taking a long drag . Michael decided he must be half in and half out of character and decided not to comment on the sheer volume of smoke the sixteen year old had just consumed . Without coughing . " Nah , I can 't . I 'm on the climactic scene of the novel I 'm working on . I think it 's the best one yet . " Without warning , Japheth sat on the ground - Indian - style - and pressed the tips of his fingers under his chin . Then he shut his eyes . He sat like that for a moment , and Michael didn 't bother him ; he wanted to finish his cigarette , and he had to admit he wondered where this was going . After a few more minutes Japheth said , " I suppose it would be silly not to . " And that was it . Michael didn 't even get to ask a follow up question before Japheth shot back to his feet and bid farewell to Michael . Literally . After he was a few feet away , Japheth turned and said , " Hey , what 's the index today ? " Dinner was waiting for him at home . " Your father and I have already eaten , " his mother said . She didn 't seem angry about it , but something was off . Then he remembered it was Thursday , which meant his father would be out at Woody 's . He always ate and ran on the nights he met the guys for beer . His mother looked at him for a moment as if she were going to say more , but instead , she kissed him on the forehead and went off to her room . A half an hour went by and then he heard a car pulling up . He ran down the stairs to let Tyler in . He opened the door . Karen stood with her arms across her chest wearing a different skirt from the one she had on at school . " Michael explained that his grandpa and Don Willis grew up together . Michael figured it best to just go over there and tell the truth . His version of the truth : they wanted to see the cow for a school project . They drove out to the farm , and on the way they passed Lucky Point . They hadn 't been back since that night two years ago . Michael figured it was fear , but Tyler wasn 't afraid of much , and in his presence Michael figured he 'd probably do just about anything . But they hadn 't been back all the same . Michael swore he saw Karen shiver . He asked if she was cold , but she just said , " no , " and looked away . They pulled into Don Willis 's driveway at about quarter passed eight . Michael told Tyler it would be best if they went after dinner , but before dark . The September evenings still held more daylight in Indiana , but would soon be replaced by the early sunsets of winter . " I thought so , " he said , " I suspect you kids are here to see the cow . She 's around back in the field . Go out about fifty yards or so . Look for scavengers . " " Yeah , " Tyler said . " I didn 't think we were really going to get to see it . I figured they 'd have taken it by now . " They only had to walk about thirty more feet to find the animal . Though there weren 't any scavengers to guide them . The ominous lump stood out like a boil on the skin of the field . The cow had been slit open from its neck to its stomach . " Stem to stern , " Michael 's grandpa would have said . The most striking feature , however , was that all of the internal organs were missing as if someone had hollowed the poor thing out . Michael 's grandfather had told him some animals killed the cow , but seeing it firsthand , he immediately knew that wasn 't the case . This was an actual cattle mutilation . Michael had read about them before . Supposedly aliens came down and mutilated any number of animals , though they seemed to have a certain proclivity for cows . The first time he had read about it he decided it didn 't make any sense , but he later conceded that neither did UFOs taking people , so maybe there was a secret agenda after all . The problem was this cow looked exactly like the man he and Tyler had seen in the woods two years ago , and it wasn 't aliens who had done that . He didn 't think so anyway . " How about we tell you in the car because I don 't want to repeat our previous experience , " Tyler said and pointed toward the horizon . The sun was making its slow descent ; the sky had already turned a hazy purple and there was a chill in the air . Way out in the distance , a figure stood like the one the two boys had chased before . This time too far away to tell if it was the same man or just someone looking to see the dead thing in the field . They walked back to Tyler 's car trying not to break out into a run . They periodically looked back to see if the figure moved . Or disappeared . By the time they got to the car , the dusk had taken over , and they couldn 't see the phantom , whether he was there or not . Michael said , " You know that day in the woods you won 't talk about ? I might know what happened . But it 's weird , " he paused , thinking about how to proceed . " Karen , I 've never asked you to talk about what happened that night , but if any of this rings a bell , will you please just tell me ? " " The day after you and Ben went missing I had to go over to your aunt 's house with a detective from the police station . He was mostly nice , but I think that 's just because he knows my mom pretty well . He knows me pretty well too I guess . Anyway , the prevailing theory , as I 'm sure you 'll remember was that the two of you had run off . We were only fourteen , but I guess when it comes to boys and girls , it 's never too early to start worrying . The problem was they were looking in the wrong places . " Tyler and I got together the next day , and we joined the search . It wasn 't until we saw a cow in one of the fields that I remembered the bone you were teasing Karen with . All at once , everything seemed to make sense - the bone , the woods , and most importantly the story about the Indians . I had this crazy idea that if the Indians had been around to hunt , there certainly must be bodies somewhere . So I thought , what if it wasn 't a cow bone after all , what if we desecrated some sort of burial ground . " " Fine , " Tyler said , " there are two things wrong with the story . And for my contribution , I 'd like to point out that I know what a cow bone looks like . The bone came from a cow . " " I know that . She 's in the backseat , " Tyler 's eyes widened , " you aren 't telling me it 's not them are you . Like they came back different . " " No , " he said . " Ben and Karen came back , and everyone in town pretended nothing happened . Hell , we pretended nothing happened . What I haven 't ever told you is that I went back to Lucky Point after the search ended the first day . It was still light out , so it didn 't seem that intimidating . I would have invited you along , Tyler , but I thought you 'd think I was crazy . Or at least , the kind of crazy that isn 't normal for me . " At first , I thought I was crazy , too . I snuck out of the house while the whole town was looking for a couple of kids who went missing , and here I was going to the one place I already told the police they didn 't need to look . I 'll admit I had my doubts . Then I saw Karen 's suitcase . It was right there in the spot she had made earlier . Right there . I couldn 't believe it . I ran over to it . Felt it . I hoped touching it would make everything seem real . " You put the bone in Karen 's case . They left . The woods wanted it back . " For a minute Tyler thought Michael was going to say , " the wood 's gets what it wants , " but he didn 't . " I 'll admit , " Tyler said , " I 'm intrigued , but you honestly want me to believe we desecrated an Indian burial ground and as punishment , a band of ghost Indians stole two of our friends . Friends who by the way had already left . If these ghosts of yours wanted to take anyone , they should have taken us . " " You 've never said anything at all , " Tyler said . Michael told Karen the story about the gutted man . He conceded that the presence of the talking corpse had never really fit together with the Indian burial ground theory , but he had remained optimistic . After all , his friends did show up when he 'd thrown the ghosts a bone . She didn 't say anything for a while . A few times it looked like she might , but something was conflicting her . She finally said , " I don 't want to talk about it . " " After Ben and I left , we made it about halfway home when Ben decided it would be a good idea to go back . He convinced me that you and Tyler were secretly going to stay behind , and we were going to scare you . I wanted payback after the whole bone thing . " The woods lit up , and I mean bright , like Fourth of July bright . I look up in the sky and there is this asteroid thing going through the sky . At first , I think it 's going to hit us . I imagine the entire woods just exploding . I may have screamed at that point ; I really don 't remember . Then it stopped . In midair . Just stopped . I turn around to see what Ben thinks is going on . You know how he likes astronomy and all , and he 's gone . Ben 's gone , and there 's a freaking meteor just hanging out above my head . I 'm not sure what to do at this point . I mean who would be , right ? All I can think of in that moment is that I have to get home . So I start to run away . She paused . She wiped something out of her eyes . " The only problem is every time I run I end up back in that clearing where we were hanging out earlier . " Here I am . Fourteen years old . The guy who 's supposed to walk me home has disappeared ; I can 't seem to find my way out of the forest even though it 's not that big ; and there 's this shooting star mocking me in the sky . And that 's when I saw her . She was an old woman , probably in her seventies . She wore this gray dress . Lord knows what kind of fabric it was . The thing looked like scrub brushes sewn together . Her hair hung down past her shoulders . Reminded me of dreadlocks . That woman 's poor hair probably hadn 't been washed since the Depression . I almost felt bad for her . Living out there all by herself . I 'm sure she doesn 't have running water as sure as I know she 's never heard of conditioner . " More what ? No , she said , ' you can 't stop me . ' I didn 't even know I 'd been trying . That 's when I blacked out and woke up on that sandbar with Ben . You know the rest from there . " Michael had an uneasy feeling she was leaving something out . He didn 't blame her though , he left the part about seeing her out too . He hoped growing up wasn 't going to continue to be a series of leaving things out to your friends . He wondered what it would be like if more and more of his life was left out of conversation . At some point , you wouldn 't know who you were anymore , he figured . " I have no idea . Ben didn 't see any of it . He can 't remember anything from that night . Now do you see why it was easier just letting people think we ran off together ? Sure , some people think we 're delinquents , but how would I explain what happened ? I wanted to just forget it all . Pretend it never happened . Then when I got home today I found this . " She handed Michael a folded up newspaper . He opened it up to the front page . There was a headline : Man Killed in Animal Attack . The story went on to describe how an as of yet unidentified man had been attacked in Knox County , which was across the river from Terrace Park . There were no details other than the fact he 'd been savagely attacked and that his body had been found on the same sandbar where they found Ben and Karen . There was a photo of him with a caption urging readers to come forward with any information on the identity of the individual . The face stared back at Michael from the paper , and Michael could hear the words again Tyger ! Tyger ! burning bright , in the forests of the night . " I just want everyone to forget about that night , and now this is bringing it back up . I mean our names are even mentioned in the article , and we don 't have anything to do with it . That 's why I decided to come with you tonight . If something is going on , it involves us . And if everyone in this redneck town is going to be in my business , I 'd really like to know what my freaking business is . " She paused . " Michael , what 's wrong ? " Michael 's head filled with questions . Who was that man ? Who was the woman Karen saw in the woods ? For a whole year he 'd contented himself on what two of his best friends were basically calling the silliest - but maybe not inaccurate - theory of the century , and he had to admit , after saying it out loud twice , it was beginning to sound a little far - fetched . He thought about it for a moment . " It makes sense . They 're saying he was attacked . " Michael had another thought , " And the cow ! The cow suffered from some sort of attack too . No animal did that . You guy 's both realize that right . An animal doesn 't hollow out another animal that precisely . " The thought they might be able to prove Ivaylo 's existence sent shivers down his spine . The fact it didn 't explain the shooting star , the old woman , and whatever Moros was didn 't seem to bother him . He pictured the headline for the Consortium 's newsletter now : Ivaylo Hunts Again . Tyler brought him back down to earth . " You 're forgetting something . Ivaylo can 't leave Terrace Park . Remember vampires and the running water thing . " " I say we call an emergency meeting of the Consortium tonight . The article says that the man was attacked by an animal , but that 's what they said about the cow . We need to find the body . " |
Introduction : This is not a " cute hot teen and her well - hung boyfriend have wild sex in eighteen different positions in two thousand words or less " kind of story . It wil take a while to read , since it 's all here in one installment . It 's a dark tale , but one I hope you like . Constructive criticisms , please . I was driving home from college for Christmas break . My sophomore year had been , so far , pretty boring . I had broken up with my girlfriend from freshman year shortly after summer break had begun , because I caught her cheating with her old high - school flame . I worked hard all summer , trying to save up enough money to pay some of my tuition and costs for my sophomore year , so I had pretty much had no life over the summer . When I had gotten back to campus at the end of August , I applied myself very hard to my studies , and really didn 't socialize much . I made no time in my schedule to pursue a campus romance , partially because I had been hurt so deeply by my experience the previous year . I had really only tried to approach one girl , a sophomore who came from the city only a few miles from my home town . She had pledged the snooty rich girl 's sorority . Tara was polite enough to me at first , until she found out that I had worked as a mechanic at a small garage in my home town for a year between high school and college to save enough money to go to college . She learned that I was the only son of a dirt - poor family , while her mother was chief of neurosurgery at a well - known research hospital and her father was senior partner in a powerful corporate law practice . Both parents came from old money , so Tara had been raised in the lap of luxury . Basically , she was a spoiled brat who never had , and probably never would , understand hard work and hard times . She was beautiful , 5 ' 6 " , blonde , slender , with what I guessed were C - cup tits , a tight little ass , and a come - fuck - me smile . She had initially seemed attracted to me , until she found out about my pedigree . Then she would only talk to me in the one class we shared . AnothIt started to snow as I was packing for my hundred - mile trip home . I wasn 't really that worried , since I knew that my old rust - bucket Chevy 4X4 pickup was mechanically sound and I had mounted four good used snow tires on it before I had left for school in August . Even when the radio station I was listening to announced that the main highway I was planning to use for part of my trip had been closed due to a massive pile - up , I figured I would be OK , since I knew the back roads I could use to get home . I settled in for a long , slow drive . After about an hour of crawling along in what was turning into near - blizzard conditions , I saw a car ahead of me . The emergency flashers were on . I quickly realized that the car had skidded off the road and had crashed into a large tree . There was a lot of front - end damage . I put on my own four - way flashers and parked behind it . I zipped up my insulated hunter coveralls and put on my warm hunting cap and got out of the truck . As I approached the car , a new BMW coupe , I could see the driver was still inside . I walked up to the driver 's window and knocked on it . The driver opened the window an inch or two . It was Tara . " Daddy said it has all - wheel drive . It has all the latest driver aids , including a built - in GPS system . That 's how I knew the route through this god - forsaken wilderness when they closed the interstate . Oh , shit , Daddy 's going to kill me when he finds out I wrecked my car . I wish I still had my Cadillac Escalade that he and Mom gave me for a graduation present . " " My left hand hurts like a bitch . I think I sprained my thumb , and part of my hand burns like fire . I guess that 's from the airbag . The engine won 't start , the climate control is only blowing cold air , and I 'm getting really cold . My cell doesn 't get any reception out here in the boonies . What am I going to do ? " " I 'm not riding with you in that piece of shit . I 'd rather wait here . You go home , and call my family , so Daddy can send out the gardener to get me . Oh , wait , do you actually have a telephone in your family shack ? " she sneered . " Tara , " I said . " At the beginning of the semester , when I first met you , I thought I could have real feelings for you . I 'm actually glad you snubbed me when you found out I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth . I 'm embarrassed to admit that I didn 't see at first what a miserable , snobby little bitch you are . That being said , I still feel obligated to help you . Not because I 'm the least bit attracted to you anymore , but simply because you are a fellow human . No amount of money is going to keep you from freezing to death if I leave you here , so you might as well gather your designer purse and get you blueblood ass in my truck so I can get you home before Mommy and Daddy have drunk all the vintage scotch and eaten all the caviar they probably have waiting for their little princess . " " God , you 're insufferable ! You don 't know anything about me . And you 're way too poor and ignorant to ever be able to comprehend how I live , " Tara hissed . " Stop being a bitch and face reality , Tara ! You 're going to suffer hypothermia and frostbite , if not worse , if you don 't come with me right now . Hell , I 'm dressed for the weather and I 'm getting cold out here . You must get out of that car and get in my truck now so I can get us out of here . There 's already a foot of snow and the wind is picking up . If we don 't leave soon , it 's going to be hard for my truck to get through the drifts . Then were both fucked ! " " Oh fine , " she sighed , sullenly . She tried to open her door . It unlatched , but it wouldn 't open . " Why can 't I get out of the car , " she asked , suddenly looking panicked . I wiped snow off the seam between the fender and the door . " The fender 's crushed around the door , and it looks like you have enough frame damage on this side that we won 't be able to get the door open . You 'll have to get out the passenger 's side . " I walked around the back of the car to help to pull her out , only to find that the other door was wedged against a tree that was at least a foot in diameter . I went back to Tara 's window . " You 're not getting out that way , either . I have a crowbar in the truck . I 'm going to get it and try to pry your door open . If that doesn 't work , I can break the windshield and you can crawl out that way . " At that moment , we heard a vehicle approaching from the other direction . It was an old Jeep wagon . When it got next to us , I could see that it had huge mud tires and a high suspension . The entire under - carriage was at least 18 " off the ground . This rig would be able to get through almost anything , I thought . The driver and his passenger got out . They were both huge . The driver looked to be about thirty - five years old , roughly 6 ' 3 " and over 300 pounds . He had a beer belly , but still looked like he was mostly muscle . The passenger looked a little younger , but he was taller and could have been close to 400 pounds . They both looked like pro wrestlers who had degenerated into grizzled mountain men . They were dressed for the outdoors in old , ratty hunting gear . I didn 't like the look of them , and Tara seemed actually repulsed . " Man , " the driver said , approaching Tara 's car . " Somebody really fucked up their purty little furrin car . Oh , pardon my French , little lady , " he laughed , showing his brown , broken teeth . " And pardon my manners . I 'm Zeke , and this here 's my kid brother , Merle . I call him Ox , ' cuz he 's that strong and that dumb . Ain 't you , Ox ? " " That 's better , " Zeke said . " Looks like you kids need a little help . What 's your name , boy ? " he said , addressing me . " I can 't , " she said . " The doors won 't open , but my friend had everything under control . He has tools in his truck to get me out , and then he 's going to drive me home . " " Oh , missy , I don 't think that 's how it 's going to work out . The road the way you was going is blocked by a downed tree . This here old Jeep was able to crawl over it , but your boyfriend 's pick - up would never clear it . You 're just going to have to come to our cabin to warm up until this storm lets up . Ox , help this pretty young thing get her door open . " Ox walked over to the car , grabbed the door handle and pulled . I could actually see the sheet metal of the door bow out as he pulled the handle . Suddenly the handle ripped out of the door , and Ox landed on his butt in the snow . Zeke roared with laughter . " They don 't make ' em like they used to , do they ? Ox , get off your stupid ass and grab the door frame . " Ox did as he was told , wedging his huge hands into the space between the body of the car and the frame of the unlatched door . He started to pull on the door and , incredibly , it began to open . I couldn 't believe my eyes . This beast was actually bending the sheet metal that was crushed around the front edge of the door . The bent hinges were groaning , and the door was moving . I 've seen rescue crews , using hydraulic jaws , struggle to do what this giant was doing with his hands . In only a few seconds , the door was open wide . " You 're right , I was rude , " Tara said , her voice trembling . " Thank you very much for helping me . I do appreciate it . But we really can 't stay . Seth will drive us home . " " I told you before , missy , the road 's blocked ahead . You ain 't goin ' that way . I know these woods real good , and with the wind and the condition of some of them trees back the way you came , I reckon you won 't get far that way either . Just be real nice and let us take you to our cabin . We got plenty of firewood and grub , and some of the best moonshine you ever tasted to help you warm up . We 'll have a regular party . " " You just don 't get it , do you sweetie ? See , me and Ox don 't get to see many fine women around here . We 're gonna go to the cabin and have us some real fun . " You 'd like to spend some time with this here pretty girl wouldn 't you , Ox ? " Zeke said leering at Tara and grinning his broken - toothed grin . Now , I 'm a pretty strong guy myself . I stand 6 ' 1 " , and weigh 225 . I was a varsity tackle in high school , I do a lot of manual labor , I lift weights , I 've never backed off from a fight , and I 've won every one I was involved in since kindergarten . Still , I knew this wouldn 't end well . " You 're scaring her , and I don 't like what you 're saying either , " I said . " You really don 't know when to shut up , do you , wimp ? " Zeke said , his putrid breath in my face . " I guess I gotta show you . " With that , he lunged at me and grabbed me in a bear hug . With no effort at all , he picked me up and threw me against Tara 's car . My head hit the rear window frame hard . As I blacked out , I heard Tara scream . The next thing I knew , Zeke had thrown a cup of water in my face . I sputtered awake , and realized I was tied to a chair in the brothers ' filthy cabin . There was a fire roaring in the huge fireplace . Tara was tied to a chair next to me . Zeke grabbed my hair and pulled me to look at him . " Sorry I had to knock you out , kid , but you just wasn 't cooperatin ' and you was gettin ' real annoyin ' . I thought you might like to join our little party , but I guess you 're just gonna have to sit there and watch the fun . We 're gonna keep you real comfortable , though . The fire 's makin ' it nice and cozy in here , and Ox is cookin ' up some real nice grub for all of us . I 'm gonna go help him . When dinner 's ready , we 'll untie you so you and the pretty one here can get your bellies nice and full . I 'd be happy to share some of that fine moonshine with you , then we 'll get the real party started . " He checked the ropes holding Tara and me to the chairs . " Now don 't go nowhere , hear ? " He belly - laughed , pleased with his own joke , and left the room . Tara said , " I thought you 'd never wake up ! Seth , you have to get us out of here . I 'm terrified . I think Zeke is planning to rape me ! Do something ! " " I don 't know , Seth . Think of something , please . I 'm begging you . You have to save me , " she cried , miserably . I had long since convinced myself that I didn 't like this girl , but seeing her so terrified and helpless touched me deeply . I also realized that these two Neanderthals probably weren 't going to just rape Tara and then let us go so we could report it to the authorities . I didn 't know exactly where we were , but I knew the area fairly well from hunting here when I was in high school . If they threw us out into the storm , we would probably freeze to death before we got help , and if they kept us here , they would probably kill us both . " I was knocked out when Zeke threw me against your car . The last thing I remember was hearing you scream , and the next thing I knew we were sitting here tied up . You have to tell me everything that happened while I was unconscious . Try to remember every detail . Maybe something will help us to plan our escape . " Tara wiped her eyes with trembling hands and forced herself to breath deeply , trying to gather herself . " OK , I 'm trying to replay the whole thing in my mind . Let me get it all in order . " Sounding a little calmer now , Tara said , " OK . The scream you heard was from me watching Zeke pick you up and throw you like a rag doll . Then Ox dragged me out of the car and held me in a bear hug so tight I thought he was going to crush me to death . He picked me up and kissed me . I thought I was going to vomit in his mouth . Then he put me down and held me tightly , but not painfully . I couldn 't have escaped him , but he wasn 't hurting me . He put one finger under my chin and raised my face to look at him . He smiled at me with a vacant look and told me he thought I was pretty . Then he apologized to me for scaring me and for Zeke having hurt you , since he thought you seemed like a nice guy . He said Zeke was mean , and that he thought Zeke was crazy . Zeke was busy tying you up and making room in the back of the Jeep to put you in , so he wasn 't paying any attention to us . It dawned on me that he was actually afraid of Zeke . " I asked him if Zeke was mean to him . He said Zeke was always mean and that he didn 't like it . I started to get the idea that if I was nice to him , I might be able to actually get him on our side . " I gave him a sympathetic look and said , ' What do you do then ? Do you tell him to stop ? Do you tell him how you feel ? ' " He said , ' Oh no , Miss Tara , I couldn 't do that . He 'd be even meaner to me . He 'd hit me . Zeke 's a real bad man and he can get real mad . Once , he killed a man who was hunting near our cabin . He just sneaked up behind him , and kicked him real hard . The man dropped his rifle and fell . Zeke rolled him over , sat on his chest and looked at the man right in the eye . He told him no one hunts on this land but us . Then he took the man 's hunting knife and slit his throat . Zeke made me bury the man in the woods . He didn 't have to do that to the man , Miss Tara . He 's just mean and crazy . ' " Ox thought a moment and said , ' I don 't think he 'd kill me . He likes to have me do stuff for him . I think he likes to have me around to do all his dirty work for him . ' " I said to him , ' Then just tell him off when he 's mean to you . If he hits you , hit him back . You 're a big , muscular guy . If he really decides to make a fight out of it , I know you could beat the shit out of him . I know it would be hard for you , since I can tell you 're a really nice guy , but you have to stand up for yourself . ' " Ox just looked at me and said , ' Do you really think I 'm nice ? I really like it when you say things like that to me . I really like you , Miss Tara . ' " Tara continued , " By that time , Zeke had finished loading you and the rest of his stuff into the wagon . He looked over at us and yelled , ' What the fuck are you doing standing there and talking , retard ? Get the bitch in the back seat with you and don 't let her try anything . It 's time to get home and start our party . ' Then he laughed that cruel laugh of his . " I think we drove about two miles to get to this cabin . Zeke had the radio on listening to some hick station and wasn 't paying any attention to Ox and me in the back seat . Ox was hanging on to me so I couldn 't move , but he was being really gentle . I said to him , ' Just remember what we talked about . You 're a nice guy , Merle , and you shouldn 't let him be mean to you or anyone else anymore . ' " I put on my best kind smile and said , ' Merle is a nice name . It fits you . It sounds strong , but kind , just like you are . Ox is just the name Zeke uses to make fun of you and to be mean to you . ' She replied , " I feel really sorry for him . When I was in high school my Mom made me do volunteer work at the children 's hospital that is affiliated with her hospital . Some of kids were brain - damaged from birth or childhood trauma . They functioned on a really low level , but in some way , I really got to like them . Merle reminds me of them . A lot of those kids are going to grow up to be like him . Plus , we can use any ally we can come up with at this point . " Tara said , " I don 't think that will work . The snow must be almost a foot and a half deep by now , and the wind is really strong . I can 't walk that far without freezing to death . Zeke was probably right about your truck not being able to get far on these roads . His Jeep had to struggle to get over some downed trees to get here . This is a really bad storm , Seth . " I was starting to get hopeful . " If we can get out of the cabin , I can try to hot - wire Zeke 's Jeep . I 've had to hot wire cars before to get them to the shop . " Zeke bellowed as he came into the room , " Grub 's ready ! " He was carrying a big kettle . Ox was behind him with four dirty , mismatched bowls , some spoons , and a big jug . " My kid brother here may be dumb as a stone , but he 's a real good cook . This here 's venison stew . We hunt or grow most of our own food up here . About the only time we leave these woods is to sell our moonshine and hides and go into the village about ten miles down the road to buy the stuff we can 't get ourselves . That 's where we was comin ' from when we found you . Ain 't that right , stupid ? " Zeke said , glancing at his brother . " Well , " Zeke said , " I guess you two kids ain 't gonna be able to eat if you 're tied up over there . Ox , carry them over to the table and untie their hands . Don 't untie anything else though . I ain 't sure they have the manners to accept our hospitality . And just to be sure we understand each other , I think I 'll just get my old six - shooter here to keep me company . He walked over to a shelf and picked up a gun , checked the chambers , and stuck in his belt . Ox came over to us and untied our hands . When he leaned over Tara , she whispered to him , " Don 't let him be mean to you , Merle . Remember what we talked about . " When we were positioned at the table , Zeke started serving heaping bowls of the stew . Tara said , " I 'm really not hungry . I don 't want any . " " Now see , that 's just what I was talking about . Your manners ain 't so good . We took you in from that storm , got your wet coats and boots off you , thawed you out in front of this nice fire , and cooked you up a nice meal . " He pulled his gun out and pointed it at her . " Now you be a nice little girl and say you 're sorry to my brother here . He worked hard to make this stew for you . " " Oh do you now ? That 's so cute . I bet you 'll like her a lot better when you 're gettin ' sloppy seconds from her after I finish fuckin ' her brains out , " Zeke laughed . He turned and looked at me and his ugly smile disappeared . " Don 't you get no dumb ideas , kid . Me and my brother are gonna have a lot of fun with this little sweetie over here , and you ain 't gonna do nuthin ' to stop it . If you 're a good boy , though , I 'll let you watch . I bet she looks real nice when she 's taking a real man 's cock in her . " " OK , " Zeke said . " Eat up . Ox , you and me are gonna need some energy so we can fuck her all night , and little blondie here is gonna need some good grub in her to have the strength to cum as much as she will getting ' screwed by two real men . You , too , kid , fill that belly of yours . We aim to please our guests . " The stew actually was very good . I was surprised at how much I was able to eat , being scared half shitless by what had already happened to us and by what might happen later . Even Tara managed to eat . I hoped she had realized that she would need her strength to be able to survive whatever was coming . Zeke soon started taking swigs out of the jug . " Damn , Ox , this may be the best batch of moonshine you 've made yet . Have some ! " Tara took the jug and took a tiny sip . She sputtered and choked , and her face got bright red . When she recovered , she gasped , " My God , that stuff is strong . It tastes like gasoline ! " Zeke roared with laughter . " Yeah , it 's a little stronger than the fine wines and double - malt aged scotch you 're probably used to drinkin ' . But I tell you , honey , it 's damn good shit . " He grabbed the jug back from her and took a long pull . I honestly didn 't know how he could do it . We had all finished eating . Zeke got up and took the kettle back into the kitchen . When he came back out , he grabbed our bowls and took them out too . Ox nodded , but said , " Not like he can be when 's he 's hittin ' the moonshine hard . Don 't do nuthin ' to piss him off . That 's why I ain 't drinkin ' much . I gotta have my wits about me if he decides to hurt you two . " Zeke came back and flopped in his chair . " Everyone needs an after dinner drink before we get to the best part of the party , namely fuckin ' the shit out of this purty little college girl here . Ox , you 'd best have another drink or two . You too , girl . You 're gonna get laid here , and you wanna be nice and loosened up so you can really enjoy it . Boy , you ain 't gonna get your rocks off , but you might as well get drunk ! " Zeke took another big swallow from the jug and passed it to his brother . He was leering at Tara when Ox took the jug , so he didn 't see that Ox tilted the jug , but didn 't actually drink . Ox passed the jug to me with a wink , so I did the same thing he had done . I made sure to make a face when I set the jug down , to look like I had just swallowed a big gulp of the strong drink . " Ox , " Zeke said , " we 're gonna do her here on the floor in front of the fireplace . Real romantic - like . " He put the jug in front of Tara . Feed her some of that stuff and tie up the kid here . Turn his chair so he has a real good view . I gotta piss . " As Zeke was getting up , Tara picked up the jug . Zeke grinned at her and turned away . Tara did the same thing Ox and I had just done , not actually drinking . She then made the same choking and hacking sounds she had made before . " Good girl , " Zeke yelled as he left the room . Ox came over to me . " I gotta tie you up Seth , but I ain 't makin ' the knots tight . You should be able to work them loose in a couple of minutes . Just don 't let Zeke see you . " Zeke was back in no time . " It 's stopped snowing and the wind 's died down some . If anyone needs to use the facilities , there 's a privy out back . It 's damn cold out there , though , so you can just use the bucket near the back door like I did . Don 't get any foolish notions . One of us will take you there and make sure you just do your business and come back . Ox untied Tara and helped her out of her chair . Zeke pulled a chair next to me and sat down . He gave me his evil , ugly smile and said , " How good do know this girl , kid ? Ever fuck her ? " " Well you ain 't gonna fuck her tonight , neither , but you 're gonna see a hell of a show . Time to strip for us baby , " he called to Tara . " Do it real nice and sexy slow . I wanna get a real good look at you before I decide whether I 'm gonna fuck your pussy , your ass , or your mouth first . " Tara just stood there in the middle of the room . She was crying again . It broke my heart . Ox was standing near her with his head down . Fat lot of help he is , I thought to myself . How can I stop this ? " Why the fuck not , moron ? " Sooner or later I 'm gonna kill both of them . Are you so damn simple that you think I 'm gonna let them walk out of here and go tell the sheriff what we did to them ? Hell no , I 'm gonna shoot him now if she don 't get naked . If she starts actin ' like she 's in the party mood she should be in , I 'll be as good as my word and let him watch while we fuck her . When we 're done with her , I 'll shoot both of them . We 'll throw ' em outside so they don 't stink up the place , and when the snow melts some , you 'll bury ' em . " " That 's the party sprit ! " Zeke gave me an evil smile and said to me , " Here 's your chance to see some fine pussy , kid . Seems like the least I can do for you before you die . " He still had the gun against my head . " Do it nice and slow girl . And dance for me while you strip , like one of them high - class show girls . " Zeke looked at me again and said , " This is gonna be real nice ! " Tara started swaying her hips and forced a smile at Zeke . She slowly lifted her sweater , showing her smooth , flat tummy . She turned her back to us and stuck her pretty ass out at us as she pulled her sweater over her head and tossed it away from her . Then she turned to face us again , covering the cups of her lacy bra with her hands . Tara slowly slipper her hands off her bra - covered breasts and rubbed slowly and sensuously down her belly and back up her sides . She pulled her bra straps off her shoulders and slowly lowered the bra until it was barely covering her nipples . She turned away from us again and , while grinding her hips , unclasped her bra and tossed it on top of her sweater . She turned around again with her hands hiding her breasts . She began massaging them and licking her lips . Then she put her hands on her hips , exposing what I have to say were the nicest boobs I had seen in a long time . She started thrusting her pelvis at us and tweaking and pinching her nipples until they were very erect . Zeke let out a long , low whistle and turned to me . " Hot damn , boy ! Look at them tits ! Nice and firm , big enough to look real womanly , but not big enough to sag . Tell me them jugs don 't give you a hard on , kid ? " He was cackling and slapping his knee , but he still had the gun at my head . Ox had started looking at her too . It was obvious he like what he saw , but he looked really upset at the same time . " That 's enough , Zeke . Don 't make her get naked . " " Oh fuck you , retard , " Zeke said , still laughing . If you ain 't man enough to fuck her , I 'll do it for you ! Loose those pants , girl ! On with the show ! " Tara looked at me hard and started slowly rubbing her wrists . I couldn 't figure out what she was doing at first , but then I realized that she wanted me to untie herself . Her slow striptease was meant to give me the time to get myself loose . I nodded slowly at her and she flashed me a big smile . Zeke thought it was meant for him . Tara un - buttoned her jeans and started to work them down her hips . When she got them down far enough that we could see the top of her thong , she turned around again . She slowly worked them down , exposing the most beautiful tight ass I had ever seen . Sensuously slowly , she lowered them to the floor and kicked them over with the rest of her clothes . She stayed bent over and made a big show of shaking her ass in our direction . Poor Ox was standing there , trying not too look at her , but failing miserably . Zeke , meanwhile , was practically wiggling out of his chair . He was stroking himself through his pants . Even though he still had his gun pointed at my head , he was too engrossed in the show to notice that I was making slow progress on the rope tying my hands behind me . Tara turned back toward us and started rubbing her hands up and down her body . She played with her tits some more , making her pretty little nipples hard again . Zeke didn 't seem to notice , but she was staring at me the whole time . She kept this up for a minute or so , then stuck put two fingers of her one hand in her mouth and started sucking on them , closing her eyes and tilting her head back like she was getting really hot . Then she looked in our direction again and slid her fingers under the top of her lacy little thong . She was playing with herself , which was driving Zeke wild . I have to admit I had trouble concentrating on getting my hands loose , because I was totally turned on , too . It really seemed like the show was for my benefit . Too bad I doubted that I would live to do anything more than look at her . Tara was panting and moaning now . Whether she was actually excited , or was just a good actress , I couldn 't tell . She pulled her fingers back out of her thong and plunged them deep in her mouth , sucking on them . Then she turned around again and slipped the thong off and added it to rest of her clothes . Zeke and I could clearly see her pussy lips between the backs of her thighs . She turned back to us with her hands hiding her sex . Not letting us really see , she started to finger herself . In different circumstances , I probably would have cum in my pants . Instead , I forced myself to concentrate on my ropes . Tara moved her one hand up to fondle and twist her nipples , finally allowing us to see her plunging two fingers into her clean - shaven pussy . Zeke had finally had enough . He undid his pants and pulled out a huge , dripping cock and started rubbing it hard . " My God , baby I 'm gonna fuck you until the sun comes up , " he said . He laid his gun on the table and walked over to her . " Don 't you dare touch her ! " Ox yelled . " I ain 't gonna let you do it . " Never looking away from Tara , Zeke back - handed Ox so hard he knocked him to the floor . He walked up to Tara and grabbed her by the hair , tilting her head down . " See this baby ? " he growled . This cock is for you . I 'm gonna fuck all your holes , twice if I can manage it . Hell , I ain 't gonna have to shoot you when I 'm done . I 'm just gonna fuck you to death ! " He let go of her hair and moved a step backward to her could stare at her . Ox was struggling to his feet , obviously stunned by Zeke having knocked him down . " Stay away from her Zeke . I 'm warnin ' you . If you try to rape her , I 'm gonna kill you . " " You ain 't gonna do shit , " Zeke snapped at him , and punched him hard in the mouth . Ox dropped to the floor again , blood pouring from his mouth . Then Zeke grabbed Tara and started grinding himself against her , mauling her tits with his huge , filthy hands . " Get ready to get tore up , you little slut . You 're gonna find out what a real man 's cock feels like . I was desperate . I still hadn 't freed my hands and I was going crazy . If only I could get a hand free , I would grab that gun and empty it into that animal . Zeke pushed Tara to the floor and dropped on top of her . He was kissing her with his disgusting mouth and cramming one of his fat fingers inside her . " Do you like that bitch ? Is it making you hot ? Wait until you fell this ! " He raised himself off of her , grabbed his monstrous cock , and started rubbing it against her outer pussy lips . Tara was hysterical , screaming and crying . Just as Zeke was about to enter her , Ox sat up . He grabbed a piece of firewood and smashed it against the back of Zeke 's head . Zeke let out a howl of pain and rage and rolled off of Tara . She scrambled to her feet and ran over to me . " You 're dead , motherfucker ! " Zeke roared at Ox and lunged at him . They grappled on the floor , punching and trying to strangle each other . Even though Ox was bigger , stronger , and younger than his brother , he was having trouble beating him . I was starting to doubt that Ox was going to be able to overpower his brother , which meant that Tara and I were as good as dead . " My hands , Tara , my hands ! " I said to her . I had to get that gun ! The brothers were still beating the shit out of each other , grunting like two gorillas fighting to the death . Suddenly , Zeke bit Ox on the ear , tearing it half way off . Ox screamed in pain . This gave Zeke the opportunity to get to his feet . He grabbed the fireplace poker and stood over Ox , letting him see it . Ox looked at Zeke with mortal fear in his eyes . Then he looked at Tara . " I 'm sorry Miss Tara . I 'm so sorry . I did what you said , but I wasn 't good enough . I love you , Miss Tara . Zeke laughed at Ox , and then plunged the fireplace poker deep into Ox 's chest . Ox grabbed the poker and looked like he was going to try to pull it out . Blood was spurting from his chest around the shaft of the poker . Ox went limp and was still . Zeke was obviously injured . He turned unsteadily toward the table and looked at me with crazed rage on his bloody face . " You 're next , wimp . You die right here , right now . " " I don 't think so , you son a bitch . " Tara had finally gotten my hands free , although my ankles were still tied to the chair . I was pointing the gun at Zeke . He threw his head back and laughed a maniacal laugh . " You don 't have the balls , kid . " He started to move toward me . I shot him in the shoulder . He roared like a wounded bear , but didn 't go down . Instead , he used his good arm to rip the poker out of Ox 's body and started moving toward me . " Fuck you , college boy ! " Zeke spat at me and continued moving toward me . I shot him in the leg . This time , Zeke fell over on his back , a few feet away from me . Tara untied my legs and I stood up , moving a safe distance from him , still pointing the gun at him . " Last chance , Zeke , I said . " Zeke glowered at me , screaming obscenities . Never , taking my eyes off the monster on the floor , I said . " Tara , get dressed . Put on your coat and boots and bring me mine . We 're out of here . " She quickly got dressed and brought me my heavy outerwear . I said to her , " Do you know how to shoot a gun ? Cover him while I get dressed . If he moves , shoot him until he stops . " " You kids still ain 't gonna get out of here . There 's too much snow and too many trees down . I know these woods like the back of my hand . If you ain 't froze to death , I 'll hunt you down and rip you apart with my bare hands . This time it was Tara who laughed . She still holding the gun , she grabbed the jug of moonshine . She threw it on the floor , smashing it . Then she took a kerosene lantern off a shelf , opened it , and dumped the contents all over Zeke . " Zeke , " she said , " you 're going to die here . Shooting is too good for you , so I 'm going to prepare you for the fires of Hell you 'll spend eternity in . Seth , get the Jeep started . The floor slopes a little toward the fireplace and I want to make sure the fuel is flowing in the right direction . " Stunned , I opened the door and went to the Jeep . It started right up . I was glad to see that it had almost a full tank of gas . I looked back to see Tara walking out the door and closing it behind her . As the opened the door to the Jeep , I could here Zeke bellowing with rage and fear . Suddenly his voice changed to screams as a strong light appeared in the window . Tara closed the car door and said , " Drive . " Read 91770 times | |
Thank you and geez , sorry if that sounds like the beginning of a suicide note , it 's not . In fact it 's the opposite , this is a hey I 'm here and thank you for being with me and for all that you give to me and make me feel even though that sounds kind of corny , annoying , " I 'm on my life journey , choosing my path " crap sort of note . I 'm not going to make any resolutions except to say there will be changes this year and some will actually stick . I 'm posting a few of the posts I had the most fun writing and I highly recommend reading these when you have a hundred other things you should be doing , because that 's the same place I was when I wrote them . I feel like Charles Dickens must have been driving around his old neighborhood , visiting relatives , reviewing his past , bemoaning his present and considering his future when he wrote A Christmas Carol . Does that sound obvious ? I mean , of course he was ! He was sleeping on the old mattress he peed on as a kid . He was 13 . He was 9 . He was 23 . He was smelling the smells , walking the walk , talking the talk . He was crying , laughing and popping a boner all within a five minute period . Do you think that 's weird ? Check out this guy : Old Charlie pulled this guy out of his own head to share with us . Is there a scarier motherfucker in the history of all literature ? Come on . When else would such a character make an appearance than jingley - jangley , hippity happity , merry old Christmas with the very people who represent everything that you are and are not , so help you god . I 'm telling you : he was at his childhood home , with a pile of unwrapped gifts he bought after standing in a sweaty , halitosis plagued line only a few hours earlier ; he had turned his phone off so he wouldn 't have to talk to anyone ; eaten dinner with the same people who had changed his diaper as an infant and the new ones who would be changing it again in about 30 years , and then gone to bed at 7 : 30 because he was " jet - lagged " , when this guy showed up in the doorway and tried to set him straight . Forget about artistic creations , Charles was a reporter ! Last night Harry wanted to go see Santa . He is nine and has been mulling over this for some time . He still believes , but Darla told him he 's too old to sit on Santa 's lap , and there are kids at school who have told him Santa isn 't real , so he feels a little self - conscious . Mo believed until she was 13 , I think , when she wrote him a letter saying she had been told he didn 't exist but she still loved him and believed in him and could he please just leave some proof . Dar loves the idea of Santa but can 't help reasoning : Who can fly around the world in a sleigh with reindeer in one night ? ? So we went to see Santa . The only other kids in line were two infants and a three year old on a leash . " See Harry ? " , Dar shrugged and held her hands up . I shot her a glare , while Harry walked away with his hands in his pockets and his head down . I started to walk back to Santa 's throne , but he didn 't follow . I looked over at Darla who was trying on sunglasses at the Kiosk and looking in the mirror , turning her head this way and that . I walked over closer . Dar ! I whispered . She turned her head slowly towards me like I was an annoying paparazzi . Go tell Harry you 'll come say hi to Santa with him . Be nice , I said . I walked over to Santa . As far as Santas go , this guy was the top of the line : real white beard , little chubby , twinkle in the eye . He was sitting by himself . Santa ? I whispered and he looked over at me . I actually got a little nervous myself . The guy 's a superstar . " My boy 's feeling a little shy . He really wants to see you but he 's worried he might be too old . " Where is he ? He got up out of his chair . Dar was walking him over ; she had her arm flung around him like they were buddies back in Nam . I pointed with my thumb . Harry ? He said and waved him over . Hi Harry . Come here , lad . He leaned on the white fence that divided his little area . I thought maybe in real life he might be a farmer , or a plumber . His voice was high , a little strained . He definitely did some sort of physical labor . " I can see that . Your mother told me you are . Come here a second , son . " He let Harry in through the gate and put his arm around him and walked over to the throne . They were talking but I couldn 't hear because the photographer came over and began trying to talk me into a series of photos for 46 . 99 . I shook my head and he said , Just a meet and greet ? Yeah , just a meet and greet , I said . I was trying to see around him to catch what Santa was saying , but by the time he moved , Harry was walking back towards me with a coloring book in his hands . His head was up and he was practically laughing . He could barely speak . MOM ! , this from Harry . Dar is still asleep with her mouth open . If Mo was here , and if she had a loaded gun by her bed , she would 've picked it up and shot me in the forehead without opening her eyes . " Thank you and have a beautiful day " . Seriously ? I love you so much , don 't you know that ? We had such amazing times years ago . I was obsessed with you , with everything about you . I thought about you all the time . I couldn 't sleep because of you . I wanted you around the clock . But , you know , I 'm older now , I 'm tired . I need to clear my head a little . Can 't you understand that ? I don 't like it when you sneak up on me , and I don 't like it when you 're in my face 24 / 7 . I just really need you to back the fuck off . I 'm sorry , I hate myself for saying that , but come on baby , it 's too much . I can 't take it . You 're stressing me out . You 're stressing me out so badly and we 're getting into some really bad patterns that I 'm not sure we can get out of . ( sigh ) I want you , I do , I want to be able to be a good person for you , giving and loving and happy , but you just gotta let me get there on my own , you gotta stop pushing me . Have faith . Isn 't that what you like to say ? Believe . It 'll be good I promise . At first I thought this was a photo of some miniature dollhouse thing , but then I read about it and realized the brown back - drop is flood water and it was shot from a helicopter . Of this picture , the photographer , Thomas Peter , said " The order we take for granted is a mere illusion in the face of nature 's caprices " . As someone who lives in earthquake country , all I can say is : Shit . The summer I was 11 , I stayed with my brother Pete and cousins in a cabin the size of a barn , in the middle of the woods , in Ashaway , Rhode Island , 20 minutes from the ocean . Before that we all stayed in my grandparents house half a mile down a dirt road , but by then my grandfather decided enough was enough and we needed to get the hell out . Of course he didn 't put it like that ; he made it sound like it was not only a privilege , but it was a magical vacation in a land far away . Which it was . No one said : What if they burn the place down , or get attacked by wolves , or meet up with a bevy of pedophiles on the prowl ? Or at least if they did , the answer would have been : so be it . Basically they sent us away with a flashlight and a canteen , and told us to scream really loud if we saw the man with the ax . During the rest of the year we all lived in apartments in the city ; some of our parents smoked weed , were divorced , divorcing , dead or not around . We argued and got bored and sulked and ganged up on each other , but we also told stories and played music and pretended we were in a castle in Vietnam . We weren 't scared or worried or allergic to anything . All we could think was how lucky we were . the tools I was giving / given . Adios ! Fare thee well ! Discover something about yourself that you never knew before and don 't come back until you do ! ( slam ) I 'm not a cleaner . I usually put it off until my only options are to either deal with it or set fire to the whole shebang and walk away . I mean , I straighten and tidy . I shove things into drawers and closets and dump all kinds of things straight into the trash , but I 'm too busy or tired for more than that . Still , I 'm always amazed at how good the world , and life in general , feels when things are sparkling and clear and organized . I feel like it bleeds off onto me somehow and makes me a better person , an upstanding citizen who is responsible and disciplined and on the road to success . On a side note , it 's strange how I have been getting into a lot of fights lately , both real and imagined . I feel agitated and annoyed and chafed . Everything feels like a shove . I was at the grocery store the other night , Harry and I went in for a second to get a movie , and when we got out , there was a note written on a napkin on my windshield . " You hit our car the other day when you were parking . A witness saw . My husband wants to press charges . But I don 't . Please contact me blablabla " . I thought Press charges ? Press motherfucking charges ? Because I bumped your car while I was parking ? I 'll go back there right now with a fucking bat ! See the way my face is right now : screwed up and pissed off ? Kind of a " Are you kid - - What ? . . I 'll fuckin . . . " ? That 's a picture of me getting my button pushed . When I say I 've been getting into a lot of fights lately , this is what I 'm talking about . Okay , back to the scene . I looked around the parking lot and didn 't see anyone slinking off . I thought , have you been following me ? It 's dark out , how did you even know my car ? I did bump that car . I was parking on a hill ! What do you think bumpers are for ? Sneaking behind me while I 'm with my son ? Why didn 't you just wait by my car so we could have a conversation like two humans . Go ahead , press charges . The cops will have a good laugh . Then they 'll get pissed that you 're wasting their time . One thing that happens when I am cleaning , or doing anything physical really , is that my mind rests . It doesn 't shut off exactly , but it gets to a place where thoughts drop in randomly and out of the blue . I wish I could say that while I am cleaning I go through my personal inventory and examine it carefully , sorting through what needs to be addressed and coming up with solutions that are pleasing and satisfactory to all . I like to think , oh I 'm crossing paths with this particular person for this particular reason and it 's going to lead to something good or , I understand that other person , why she did what she did , and I needed to have this experience to help me understand this , that and the other about myself . But it doesn 't work that way , especially when you are scraping poop off of porcelain . There are no sudden awakenings or brilliant insights ; you 've just got to get it done . This time the thought that dropped in out of the blue was this : are you a soldier or are you a prisoner ? Are you going to be mature and efficient , respectful and thorough , courageous and above all , honest ? Or are you going to be disgusted and hateful , angry and insufferable and blame the crusty brown smears on everyone else ? Posted by My dog Lester has a brain the size of a pistachio . Without the shell . Sometimes when I am working , I look down and slightly to my right and he 's staring at me with his eyes glazed and unblinking like someone who has been hypnotized . Then there 's the underbite . Isn 't an underbite always a sign that your parents were brother and sister ? There 's also his passive willingness to let Darla dress him up in wigs and baseball caps or to let Harry put a tube sock on his head . He just sits there and lets them . It could also mean that he is a superior being , possibly a genius . So far above all living creatures that nothing disturbs him . Not even a tuba played near his head while he sleeps . Maybe he is meditative , thoughtful , accepting of all . Yes , cover my head with a bucket and have a chuckle , I am filled only with love . Daisy is a pleaser . The moment I open my eyes in the morning , she is sitting up and looking at me . What do you need ? What can I do ? How can I help ? This can be annoying . Nobody likes a kiss ass . Or desperation . But she smiles too . It 's more like a grimace and a snarl . It 's curious , this smile . It keeps you guessing . It simultaneously makes you laugh and feel uncomfortable . I hate cats but of course I have one ( inherited from Mo ) and of course I love him most of all . Why ? He 's mother fucking Leroy that 's why . He seems friendly and like he cares about you , and then he shreds your arm with his nails and teeth . Shreds . I have seen him cause more than one adult to cry . He doesn 't care about you or the goddam horse you rode in on , so step OFF . Friends of my friend 's sons : Grace and The Carnivore . Boston , Mass . 2013 To listen to the whole album , click on Out of Context . I read something over the weekend about a guy who had Thanksgiving by himself . He was saying that even though he tried to prepare himself for it being just another Thursday , even though he wasn 't a big fan of the holiday to begin with , he still had a hard time not feeling depleted by it . He went to a movie and all he could think about was how sad it was that he was the lone guy in the theater . " The distance between gratitude and self - pity " , he wrote , " is miniscule " . That stuck with me , and I think it 's true , but it also led me to the idea how self - pity can make an appearance when you 're in a group of people too , especially a group you are related to . You don 't need a day locked up in solitairy to figure that one out . Holidays are weird , you have more than the usual conflicts going on : joy and love are next to rage and guilt . Annoyance ? Pull up a chair ! Empathy and grace ? Right here between shame and regret . And pass the stuffing ! The negatives are there , as usual right on time , but they don 't need to be indulged ; I mean , they can 't really be ignored , but pay close attention instead to the moments . Think about seeing your mother dance to Benny Goodman with your grandmother ; or secretly giving the cat a piece of turkey and watching her trot off with it like she just won a prize ; or reading a text from a friend who writes about hiking in the mountains : " Walks in the snow where the flakes come down so huge and lightly whole lifetimes pass until they fall " . Think about that . I found this link of historical photos that have been colorized and it made me think of a few things . First it made me think of how all the photos in history books should be both black and white , because they look beautiful , and color , because it makes the past seem less far away , less strange , and less like it will ever happen again . That guy up above , Charlie Chaplin , made me think of the history of entertainers . It used to be that performers : actors , clowns , singers , dancers were the mouth - breathing , tongue - chewing fringe people ( as my long - lost cousin Holiday lovingly refers to our ancestors ) . Never mind that he 's beautiful , that 's just the luck of the draw , look at Charlie 's big head / little body ! He 's a perfect example of that type of impoverished , inbred oddball . Entertainers : we loved , worshiped and elevated them and forgot that they were just hillbillies who had sex with teenagers . It doesn 't seem fair that we judge them so harshly . I 'm still plowing through 50 shades ( yeah I said plowing ) and still wondering what is wrong with the world . Every time I think I can 't take it , fuck this and the goddam horse ( stallion with flowing mane ) it rode in on , I then think how did this happen ? What are these readers thinking ? Are we just desperate for titillation that we are willing to put up with this . By now we all know that the main guy character is a perfectly gorgeous billionaire with a huge dick , but did you know that he also walks around with his shirt on and no pants . Just a shirt PEOPLE . Come on ! He also . Talks . Like . This . With . Periods . Between . Each . Word . " That . Was . Incredible " . Like a valley girl , oh . my . ga . . . Like a val girl one minute , and then this gem : You smell divine . You smell divine , he says ! ! ! What 's he going to say next : two snaps and a twist ? Oh Hey . The morning after the first bang , the girl wakes up to the beautiful sound of . . . ( no , not a loud fart and pee hitting the toilet water . " Stay there babe and roll over and pull up your nighty because I 'm coming right back " ) , she wakes up to the sound of Bach ( pronounced with German accent ) on a beautiful grand piano . She walks out , still a little glazed , and there 's our man , fully nude of course , playing the piano . Is that not ridiculous to some people ? Who are these readers ? Who gets through this and then says I love this so much I 'm going to read book 2 , 3 and 4 ? No one that 's having sex with a real human being . The last time I was in New Orleans , Mo and I were walking around and invariably we 'd see a group of people , sometimes 3 , sometimes more , just hanging out close together , a little shifty eyed but otherwise not communicating ; maybe their hands were in their pockets , maybe one held a beer or a bottle in a brown bag . They 'd get even more still as we approached but they didn 't turn their heads . That 's a situation , Mo would say . I mean we saw this , in one variety or another , all day long . Various situations . Any minute , something was about to bump it into the category of serious situation . Or maybe the serious situation had just happened . It wasn 't always clear . Anyway , last night I went to see a friend read from his novel at a bookstore downtown in the city . The bookstore used to be a bank that had those old vaults with 3 foot thick doors . The floors were wood in parts and there was a balcony and and columns and chandeliers made out of old wheels . I 'm pretty sure that back in the old days , various crimes had taken place in there , maybe a shoot - out , maybe a suicide . It just felt like a stage set for a situation . I don 't usually listen to this kind of music . Living in a hipster part of town I 've had just about all the banjo playing / foot stomping / hand clapping music a person can tolerate . But this was different . I just got sucked right in and taken somewhere else . I don 't know if it was the bank , or the vaults , or my mood , or just the spirits in the room but I listened to him play and I saw the whole story . I saw a guy wake up in bed with a pretty girl he met the night before , I saw him jump into his pants while she was still sleeping and grab his hat on the way out . I saw him trot down the road on a sunny day until he met up with his pal leaning against a tree . I saw the pal hand him a gun . I saw them hop two horses and ride to the bank . I saw them walk in , raise their guns and shoot the security guard . I saw them jump the desk , and I saw the teller holding his hands up . I saw them step into the vault and come out a few bundles of cash in white sacks and I saw them run out . I saw that their horses were gone so they just had to run . I saw the whole situation and then I saw the history of that situation , how the two met and their whole lives up until that very day . It 's raining today which means there 's a lockdown on the whole city . Everyone panics and no one knows what to do . Bomb Sirens go off . People who dare to drive go 5mph with their hazards on . Wireless networks shut down or only work sporadically . We 're all forced to sit inside and stare at each other , build a fire or make hot chocolate , stay under the blankets . It 's fantastic . I played lacrosse in high school . This wasn 't really a special achievement since at my school everyone had to play a team sport . Still , just as a quick aside , I have recently realized the importance of team sports . Now , finally , light - years later , I get it : the team , a group of people working together , depending on each other , communication without words , all that . Why didn 't our gym teacher just say that to begin with ? Miss Guilfillan , Miss Yarnell , in your kilts and your kneesocks , your whistles and windbreakers , why didn 't you just tell us : Okay okay ladies , hustle up ! Everybody in . You know all this ? The teamwork , the practice , the skills , the goals , the winning and losing and how you deal with it ? It 's a metaphor people . It 's a goddam , motherfucking metaphor . All right ? LET ' S GO ! ! ( I don 't know why I just made Miss Guilfillan sound like Samuel L . Jackson ) . Yeah . I played lacrosse . The first year I played goalie . I didn 't really want to , but I did . Even in my formative years I was the person to volunteer when no one else would . I wasn 't very good . I was too small and I did not like having balls thrown at my head ( insert crude joke here ) but I didn 't mind being alone and I was the only volunteer . In a few weeks I was on the varsity team . I remember my mantra was Let 's get this over with . Everyone did their best to keep the ball at the other end of the field which was fine with me because it gave me time to daydream and watch the sideline activity . At this time , there was a new teacher at school , Mr . Driscoll . We didn 't have many male teachers then , I went to an all girls school , so he was a superstar celebrity . Handsome in that preppy / half - ugly / long teeth / short upper lip way , he loved all the attention , and made sure to make regular appearances at lunch , sporting events and school dances . And now introducing for your learning pleasure , the fabulous , the fantastic , the one and only Mr . . . . Jim . . . . Driscoll ! I didn 't buy it . There was something creepy about him , not in a dangerous pedophile way , just in an ex - jock teaching at a small private school way . He sniffed and crossed his arms before speaking . He was sarcastic . He used big vocabulary words . He taught philosophy . Once at one of our last games he put his hands around his mouth and yelled Get Lewis out of there . She 's a sieve ! At first I heard my name and thought he was cheering me on but then I realized the word he used was Sieve . Sieve ! The guy was trash talking a 14 year old . Me ! With a fancy word ! And I had volunteered ! I was sitting on the sunporch with Nana . I had been crying and she was tending to me . Actually she was blindfolding me , but she was patient and loving . " Bend your head forward my darling , " she said it softly and it sounded like ma - dullie . " That 's it , there you go " . I could smell her perfume and Salem cigarettes and , for once , I wasn 't worried about anything . She had a small pillowcase that she had filled with random objects and she took my hand and guided it inside , " No peeking , " she said . I held the object and circled my fingers around it . I knew what it was but I didn 't want the game to go by quickly so I kept touching it . " A shell ? " I said finally . I could hear her sifting her fingers through the bag . I could hear the loud ticking clock and a lawnmower outside down the big hill . " Why isn 't my Dad coming ? " I asked her . " I know my sweetie " she put her arm around me . I couldn 't see much with the blindfold on except for a line across the bottom , wood floor , rug , my knees . Nana pulled me closer to her and rested her chin on the top of my head . She took a deep breath , and after a while I pulled away slowly . " Here , you want to try another one ? " she said . She handed me a shoe horn . I knew what it was right away but I held onto it . 50 Shades of I have been trying to read 50 Shades of Grey for nearly two months now . I 'm doing some research . Really . I 'm not embarrassed to say I read crap . Anyone who knows me will vouch for this : my crap to decent ratio is about 2 : 1 . I seek it out . I like it . But this thing . Two lines in and all I can think is : I 'm out . I 've read the sex parts , I know my buttons will get pushed , but ugh , what I have to go through to get there . My Gram used to read books like this . She had stacks ( stacks ! ) next to her bed . This was back in the day when Fabio was on the cover so it was easier to make fun of . It didn 't come all at once . It took a very long time . First I had a skirmish with the English department and then all the other departments . Pretty soon something had to be done . The first signs were cordialities on the part of the headmaster . He was never nice to anybody unless he was a football star , or hadn 't paid his tuition or was going to be expelled . That 's how I knew . He called me down to his office with the carved chairs arranged in a semicircle and the brocade curtains resting against the vacant windows . All about him were pictures of people who had got scholarships at Harvard . He asked me to sit down . " But Charles , " he said , " you know the scholastic standard of this school is very high and we have to drop people when their work becomes unsatisfactory . " I told him I knew that also . Then he said a lot of things about the traditions , and the elms , and the magnificent military heritage from our West Point founder . It was very nice outside of his room . He had his window pushed open halfway and one could see the lawns pulling down to the road behind the trees and the bushes . The gravy - colored curtains were too heavy to move about in the wind , but some papers shifted around on his desk . In a little while I got up and walked out . He turned and started to work again . I went back to my next class . The next day was very brilliant and the peach branches were full against the dry sky , I could hear people talking and a phonograph playing . The sounds came through the peach blossoms and crossed the room . I lay in bed and thought about a great many things . My dreams had been thick . I remembered two converging hills , some dry apple trees and a broken blue egg cup . That is all I could remember . Through the cloudy trees I could see the protrusion of the new tower . It was going to be a beautiful new tower and it was going to cost a great deal of money . Some thought of buying new books for the library instead of putting up a tower , but no one would see the books . People would be able to see the tower five miles off when the leaves were off the trees . It would be done by fall . When I went into the building the headmaster 's secretary was standing in the corridor . She was a nice sort of person with brown funnels of hair furrowed about a round head . She smiled . I guess she must have known . Every morning we went up into the black chapel . The brisk headmaster was there . Sometimes he had a member of the faculty with him . Sometimes it was a stranger . He introduced the stranger , whose speech was always the same . In the spring life is like a baseball game , in the fall it is like football . That is what the speaker always said . The hall is damp and ugly with skylights that rattle in the rain . The seats are hard and you have to hold a hymnbook in your lap . The hymnbook often slips off and that is embarrassing . On Memorial Day they have the best speaker . They have a mayor or a Governor . Sometimes they have a Governor 's second . There is very little preference . The Governor will tell us what a magnificent country we have . He will tell us to beware of the Red menace . He will want to tell us that the goddam foreigners should have gone home a hell of a long time ago . That they should have stayed in their own goddam countries if they didn 't like ours . He will not dare say this though . If they have a mayor the speech will be longer . He will tell us that our country is beautiful and young and strong . That the War is over , but that if there is another war we must fight . He will tell us that war is a masculine trait that has brought present civilization to its fine condition . Then he will leave us and help stout women place lilacs on graves . He will tell them the same thing . One Memorial Day they could not get a Governor or a mayor . There was a colonel in the same village who had been to war and who had a chest thick with medals . They asked him to speak . Of course he said he would like to speak . He was a thin colonel with a soft nose that rested quietly on his face . He was nervous and pushed his wedding ring about his thin finger . When he was introduced he looked at the audience sitting in the uncomfortable chairs . There was silence and the dropping of hymnbooks like the water spouts in the aftermath of a heavy rain . He spoke softly and quickly . He spoke of war and what he had seen . Then he had to stop . He stopped and looked at the boys . They were staring at their boots . He thought of the empty rooms in the other buildings . He thought of the rectangles of empty desks . He thought of the curtains on the stage and the four Windsor chairs behind him . Then he started to speak again . He spoke as quickly as he could . He said war was bad . He said that there would never be another war . That he himself should stop it if he could . He swore . He looked at the young faces . They were all very clean . The boys ' knees were crossed and their soft pants hung loosely . He thought of the empty desks and began to whimper . The people sat very still . Some of them felt tight as though they wanted to giggle . Everybody looked serious as the clock struck . It was time for another class . It took the school several weeks to get over all this . Nobody said anything , but the colonel was never asked again . If they could not get a Governor or a mayor they could get someone besides a colonel . They made sure of that . I have been having a few glitches with the blog posts that are sent out , but I think it will be back to normal today , sorry if you have not been getting the emails . I haven 't actually sent too many new ones out because I got stuck on writing this one about all these fights I 've been getting into the past two months . I realized something . I 'm always fighting . What 's worse is that most of the fights are imaginary and passive . Like this one : What the hell did people used to do before there was antibacterial gel at the supermarket ? I was wondering this while I watched some woman slather it up to her elbows and then onto her child 's tiny dimpled hands . As if that wasn 't enough , then she squirted a load onto the handle of the shopping cart , and rubbed it in like she was a crack - whore giving it a five - dollar hand job . She knew what she was doing , this gal . And she was smiling ! Smiling as if to say , I am taking control of my life , I will never allow germs , bacteria or possible bits of fecal matter to enter my world and cause me , or my precious family members , to get flulike symptoms . I have to say , it was mesmerizing . The whole procedure was so strange and wrong and oddly titillating , I wanted to drop to the ground and roll around like an old , happy dog on top of a dead squirrel . Instead I gave her a self - righteous glare : Seriously woman ? You think you 've got it all under control ? Everything all clean and perfect ? Well it 's not ! You 're going to get sick , you 're going to get germs , you 're going to get golden , oozing infections just like the rest of us , only yours will be worse because they will be rare anti - bacterial - gel mutations . " Now go buy your organic produce , YOU FREAK ! " And I let my glare follow her all the way into the store . I have about 45 minutes each morning to write something and usually most of the writing happens in the last 15 minutes . If nothing has happened after 30 minutes , I start looking through old posts that I never finished / started to see if anything has come to me yet . I have one called 15 Things Successful People Do Every Day that has been blank for two years now . I 'm going to try to add one or two things a day just as an exercise for myself . 4 . Be kind ( see now , hold on , I 'm not sure successful people are kind , I mean generally speaking . What do you think ? ) When I was 9 , I used to take the bus from my apartment building to the train station , get on a train , ride it out to the suburbs , get off at my stop , and walk 1 / 2 mile to my school . It didn 't seem strange at the time . In fact I did it every day for almost 2 years . My brother Pete , age 8 , was usually with me the first half of the way and then there were a few other kids who got on the train at various stops . We 'd walk in a sort of staggered single file to the school . We wore uniforms : white button down shirt , green tunic with a belt , green knee socks , green blazer or sweater . I kept my hair in braids or else just hanging down , straight and stringy . I didn 't carry a back - pack , no one did then ; I carried my books and lunch in a canvas bag that was kind of like an electricians bag , which I sometimes held on my back like Santa . No one ever told me to only walk in well - lit areas where there were a lot of people . No one told me to avoid weird freaks or scream loud if anyone came towards me inappropriately ( I didn 't even know what that meant ) . No one told me not to get into the back of someone 's van or told me not to wait in front of the XXX movie theater at 17th and Market after dark . I think I knew not to speak to strangers or accept candy . I think I knew to cross at the cross walk and look both ways . But that was it . I never even had money . The times we did get some change , never a dollar , we 'd immediately go to Parvin 's pharmacy and buy pixie sticks , tootsie pops and sour cream and onion potato chips . All for 50 cents . In other parts of the world there was a war , civil rights protestors were getting sprayed with fire hoses , 18 year olds were allowed to vote , women were standing up for themselves . Our older brothers and sisters were dropping acid and using words like fuck and no way and far - out in their every day lingo . Some of our parents were having key parties or getting divorced or smoking pot . Others were having parties at the country club or playing golf . A few of our parents were doing all of those things . What was the big deal about sending a 3rd grader on an hour long journey to school by himself every day . He knew where he was going . There 's a new kind of funeral . I say new , but I really mean green . I say funeral but I really mean just the burying part . I 'm not sure whose idea it was , this green funeral , but basically they wrap the dead body in an old sheet - - a shroud I think they called it , to make it formal - - dump him in a deep hole , and call it a day . Someone said in small towns where there is less space they bury the bodies standing up . They lower the body in a 10 foot hole and then just kick the dirt back over . Rest in Peace . I know it 's just a body , but it doesn 't seem very restful . Both sets of my grandparents had a clock in their house that made noise . Don and Mary had a clock on the mantle that Don had built himself , it had loud ticks and chimed on the hour . If you were walking through the room you might not notice the loud ticks until they would stop . You 'd stop too and take in the full silence , maybe feeling something was slightly off but not knowing what . . . Then you 'd resume and the clock would begin to tick again . Don and Lillian had a huge grandfather clock that went off every 15 minutes : a loud , full orchestration of gongs and jangling chains . It played a quarter of the song each time , so that when it got to the hour it was such a huge deal and was so long and interruptive you had to stop talking if you were in the same room . And this is how we lived ! Every fifteen minutes it was as though someone yanked you up out of your comfortable chair , slapped you twice across the face , kneed you in the stomach , grabbed a handful of hair and knocked you into a wall . And we barely acknowledged it . - I remember the first day that I met her . I remember standing back stage by the curtain when we were in a show together . I remember the bar down the street from her old house and meeting in the driveway at my mom 's house late one night . I remember the 8 foot bear she bought my daughter knowing we had to take a plane that day . I remember going to a weird country fair in Connecticut and that her boyfriend turned olive green after going on a ride . And that even though he was really sick and shaken and even a little bit frightened , we both openly laughed at him . I get emails a couple times a month from this company called Imogene and Willie and I rarely open them , and in fact said to myself what is this crap cluttering up my inbox and then I watched this video again and remembered . Two hundred dollars is a lot of money for a pair of jeans until you realize that you will have them for the rest of your life . I liked their story . I make a face like this one a few times a day . Not because I 'm horrified . But because I 'm trying to read something without my glasses . What is it about pulling the mouth down that helps a person see better ? Another odd thing I do happens when I am driving and replaying a recent conversation in my head . While I 'm thinking about what was said , I make the facial expressions of both the person I was talking to and myself . You don 't have to tell me this is what insane people do . A few years ago my friend Holiday visited the isle of Lewis off the coast of Scotland and discovered we were related . Not only that , but our ancestors were ( as she put it ) " inbred , mouth breathing , tongue chewers " . My first thought was , YAY we 're related ! and my second thought was " Well , obviously I was your queen because I still carry the name " . Don 't think I overlooked that our ancestors were feeble - minded nut jobs ; we had our own ISLAND , people . We were a strong and hearty lot ! We survived hideously cold and wet and dark conditions for six months out of the year ! I am from royalty . And after thousands of years I had been reunited with my sister / wife / mother / servant ! I have 3 children , 7 parents and am the oldest of 10 kids who did not grow up in the same house . I talk to dogs , people in line , and occasionally to myself . Sometimes I feel like I am part of a walking carnival . |
Rosella had , by today 's standards , a poor education . What little she gathered , she basically foisted upon herself . She lost her mother at the age of nine and her father at 13 . After she became an orphan , Rosella gained additional education only because she demanded it , with little encouragement from those around her . She joined the workforce as a nanny when she was about 16 . My apologies for the run - on paragraphs and sometimes awkward construction found within this document . I have attempted to preserve the original text whenever possible . Also brace yourself for social stereotypes , stigma - inspired references , and the mild bigotry and class separation that was prevalent at the time . This is December 1943 . I will begin by saying that I , Rosella Rabinski , was born in Liberty Township in Knox County , Ohio . It was just over the line of Clinton Township , three miles west of Mount Vernon , on January 5 , 1861 . I was born in a double - hewed log cabin , with two rooms downstairs and a double fireplace . The room on the west had two windows and was plastered . The kitchen on the east had one window , two outside doors , a stairway , and a door leading to the front room . We lived there for some time . It was zero weather when I was born , I heard them say . Today the temperature is 36 degrees above . In those days there were , of course , no automobiles and very few buggies . We had no paved roads . Some people had so - called spring wagons . Often , the roads were almost impassable . I can remember when the mud was so deep that it came nearly up to the hubs of wagon wheels and up to horses ' knees . Now , in 1943 , one seldom sees horses and wagons on the roads - and most roads are paved . Back then we had sleds and sleighs and the young people would put a string of bells on their horses when they went sleigh riding . Those bells could be heard for a mile . Hearses for children were drawn by white horses . However , those were happier times than today . Later there was built what we called a surrey , with two seats and a covered top . About forty years ago , they began to build automobiles . The first one I saw was used by our mail carrier . It was built like a high - wheeled buggy - but had a motor , of course . It has been handed down to me that there was a German , Lewis Bricker ( the name in some localities was Praker , I have been told ) , who married Elizabeth Calvert , the daughter of Cecil Calvert ( an Englishman who was much opposed to his daughter marrying a German ) . But they seemed to get along well . Elizabeth was said to have driven a team of horses to Philadelphia with loads of grain and provisions . The couple reared a large family and accumulated a fortune . Two of their sons , John and Jacob , married two Koonsman girls . Jacob married Elizabeth Koonsman and , in 1808 , John married Barbara Koonsman ( my grandmother ) . Lewis Bricker migrated from Pennsylvania to Liberty Township in Knox County , Ohio and bought several 100 - acre tracts of land from the government ( beginning in what is known as the Liberty Township east line , three miles west of Mount Vernon ) . John Bricker and Barbara had one daughter , Rebecca , who was born in 1809 . This was before they moved from Pennsylvania to Ohio in covered wagons in 1810 . The new land of Ohio was heavily wooded - none of it cleared . Not even was there a road laid out . Some of the Bricker sons and daughters came to Ohio and settled on this land , building cabins of rough logs . These houses were like a song I 've heard : They had " clapboard roofs and puncheon floors [ 1 ] , a crack for a window and a quilt for a door . " The clapboard roofs were split out of logs about four feet long . They had small trees and saplings put up for rafters . Then poles were put across them to lay the clapboards on , and poles over the clapboards to hold them down . The cracks between the logs were filled with pieces of wood and clay plaster to keep out the cold . To collect the logs , they had what they called " log rollings " where they would burn felled trees . There were some Indians around then , and some were savage . They killed a family not far from where Chesterville , Ohio , now is . The people near Mount Vernon built a block house to protect them from the Indians . There were also some wild animals - bears , panthers , and plenty of wolves . I remember hearing my folks say that a catamount , or wild cat , came into our upstairs , leaving our house by running down the stairs and out a side door . My grandmother , Barbara Koonsman , was born in Washington County , Pennsylvania , in 1789 . She came from a family of six children ( three boys and three girls ) . Her brothers were Jesse , George , and Daniel ; her sisters were Nancy and Elizabeth . John Bricker made a trip now and then back to Pennsylvania by horseback . Once he took with him some maple syrup in saddle bags . Some trip , was it not for a horse ! He stopped at a tavern to stay the night and took his saddle bags upstairs to his room . He didn 't sleep much that night , as he thought several times that he heard somebody on the stairs . He would raise up in the bed to let the supposed thief know that he wasn 't asleep . Apparently somebody thought that he had something valuable in the saddle bags . Another man went the same trip on horseback , and when he was on his way , his horse became lame . He stopped at a blacksmith shop to have his horse examined ; it had a wire around its foot above the hoof . The blacksmith said , " You better examine your gun " ; the traveler did and found the chambers filled with ashes ! He re - loaded it and went on his way . He came to a woods where a man , all blacked up , came out and waylayed him . The traveler said he would shoot , but the robber only laughed because he thought the traveler had a gun full of ashes . But , to his amazement , the traveler shot real bullets ! And the robber was the tavern keeper ! As time went on , John Bricker and Barbara had more children , making a total of six ( three boys and three girls ) . First there was the eldest , Rebecca ( who was born in Pennsylvania in 1809 ) ; next a boy , George ; then the third , Aaron ; then Mary ; then another son , Solomon ; and finally , Sarah ( the baby of the family , who married a Higbee ) . When Rebecca was only twelve years old , John Bricker died of tuberculosis , leaving Barbara ( my grandmother ) with six small children . There have been many changes since my grandmother , Barbara Koonsman - Bricker - Rush , came to Knox County in Ohio . I am now 83 years old , but I can remember that there was a big two - story building called the Market House where people came with their wagons full of produce . They drove onto the Public Square ( also called Monument Square ) , unhitched their horses , turned them to the back of their wagons , and fed them . Some people lived upstairs in the Market House . I remember an old man named McGrady who had a shoe shop there . He lived in a large brick house on Mulberry Street ( second house from Chestnut street , on the west side ) . Later his daughter lived there . And then her adopted son , Charles Blair . Now those buildings are gone and the Mount Vernon Post Office stands on the corner of Mulberry and High Streets , on the northwest corner . On the northwest corner of the Public Square , there was a restaurant at which one could get a good meal for 15 ₵ . One night it burned down . Now the whole block is built of brick . As Christmas is near ( it is now December 20 , 1943 ) , I will tell you , these people had a real Santa . A man would come around with nuts and cakes . He would say , " Will you pray ? " and they all knelt . Then he would scatter nuts and cakes to see them go after them . We think we have hard times , but let me tell you : They had no stoves as we know them today . Instead , they had what was a fireplace built of flat stones , plastered up with clay . In this fireplace was placed , lengthwise , an iron rod . On this rod were hooks called trunnels , on which they hung their iron kettles and tea kettles . When they fried meat , they pulled some coals out on the hearth and set their iron skillet on these coals , as well as their coffee pots . They also had what they called " Dutch ovens " in which they baked their bread . These were approximately 12 inches in diameter and six inches tall , with legs about two inches long and an iron lid . When their bread was light enough to bake , they scraped coals of fire out of the hearth , placed the Dutch oven on them , and put coals of fire on the lid . Yum ! Yum ! Was that bread good ! Maybe you think I don 't know ! ( My step - grandmother had an oven and baked to please me . ) People also had clay ovens in their yards that were big enough to bake six loaves of bread or pies at the same time . They would build a fire in these clay ovens and let it burn down to coals , raking the coals out and putting their bread and pies in to bake . I remember that when I was small , after the Civil War , there were quite a few tramps ( or " beggars , " as they were called in those days ) running around the country . One day mother and I were alone when one came to our house . Our dog didn 't like tramps ; he would meet them before they could get to the door . The tramp went first to one door , then to the other . But our dog " Old Bull " met him there and the tramp finally went away . One evening , while my father and I were at my Grandmother 's , a tramp came to our house ( which was nearby ) . There was a hogshead [ 2 ] in the yard , with a pig in it . We surmised that he thought we were in it . We watched him until he left , then my father went home . A man ( whose name I can 't recall now ) went out hunting and was belated . A bear had overtaken him and he had crawled up a sapling , which bent down with his weight . The bear stood on its hind legs and reached the man , but he kicked it 's nose until it bled . Some of his friends went out to hunt for him and found him there . When John Bricker ( my grandmother 's first husband , but not my grandfather ) , was boiling down maple syrup , wolves would come so near he could see their eyes . But they were afraid of fire and did not come close . One night , my grandmother heard them outside and said she guessed they got our sheep - but the sheep were safe . One day an Indian came to their door , asking for bread . Barbara ran out past him , leaving two small children in the house alone . But , as she said she had no bread , the Indian went away . Now , as I said , I was born in the year 1861 , and I remember seeing the soldiers that came home in their blue suits . The men from the North went to the South and burned buildings and destroyed properties . I heard a Northern Army soldier tell me how they took pianos , tore them up , and made bunks out of them . A woman told me there was a band of Negroes that went forth to kill the white people . One Negro woman wanted to save her mistress . She had on a full skirt , which she spread over her mistress until the men had passed . There were good slaveholders and bad slaveholders , just like some men are good and some are bad today . I think those slaves could have been bought and freed . Then there would have been no bloodshed . The Northern soldiers drew pensions , some who said they never carried a gun . Did the Southern soldiers get pensions ? No ! But the South had to pay a part of these pensions . Even our northern states were affected by the war and farmers couldn 't get much for their livestock and produce . Eggs brought six and eight cents a dozen ; hogs four cents a pound ; butter eight cents a pound ; a good - sized chicken twenty cents . It was several years before times improved . An example of men 's cruelty to animals : I heard it said that a man somewhere in West Virginia struck his horse on its head with a shovel . The horse kicked the man in the stomach and killed him . I think he got what was coming to him . As I said previously , when Rebecca was only twelve years old , her father , John Bricker , took tuberculosis and died ( on May 9 , 1821 ) . This left her mother with six little children , including Rebecca . In 1826 , Grandmother was married to Peter Rush , who had been a bloomer by trade ( a bloomer was a furnace and forge in which wrought iron blooms were made directly from ore ) . He lived on a farm near Bloomfield , in Morrow County , Ohio . She went to live with him there . They had two boys : Jeremiah , who was born on May 1 , 1827 ; and Ananias ( my father ) , who was born on September 4 , 1833 . Soon thereafter , they moved to my grandmother 's farm west of Mount Vernon , where another son , Andrew Miller , was born on June 4 , 1843 . My father was reared in the same house ( a log cabin ) in which I was born . Andrew Miller , his youngest brother , was also born in that cabin , and they lived there until they were grown . Then they built a frame house in the same yard , which still stands today ( 1943 ) and is nearly 100 years old . My grandfather , Peter Rush , was a soldier in the War of 1812 . The Commissioner of Pensions states : " Peter Rush served from August 28 , 1812 , to October 31 , 1812 , as a private in the Company commanded by Captain Jacob Young and John Greer of the Ohio Militia . In 1855 he was 77 years of age and a resident of Knox County . He received the B . L . Warrants 35620 - 120 - 55 and 15980 - 40 - 50 . " My father , Ananias Rush , on January 11 , 1860 , married Martha Ann Roop , a twin ( who was born on March 31 , 1834 ) of Margaret Roop - and moved back into the original log cabin . On January 5 , 1861 , a daughter was born to them , which , of course , was I . My father and mother did not live in this log cabin long . Father 's oldest brother , who had lived about a half mile west , on Grandmother 's farm , moved to Illinois and we moved into his house . Another brother , Jeremiah , had moved to a place just west of Richwood , Ohio . Besides her twin sister Margaret , my mother had six brothers and three sisters : Frederick , born March 18 , 1819 ; Peter , born March 31 , 1824 ; John , born November 28 , 1831 ; Jacob , born June 19 , 1836 ; Michael , born May 23 , 1839 ; George , born August 13 , 1842 ; Elizabeth , born August 31 , 1821 ; Catherine , born September 15 , 1826 ; and Mary , born April 14 , 1829 . My grandfather , on my mother 's side , was John Roop , who was born July 18 , 1787 and died October 22 , 1859 . My grandmother was Catherine Meyers , who was born October 30 , 1797 and died July 29 , 1857 . They were married on January 29 , 1818 . My Uncle Jerry 's wife , at Richwood , complained of ague , so my grandmother wanted my father to go to Richwood and move them back to Knox County . Father and Mother started for Richwood one afternoon in a wagon with a team of horses . I , of course , went with them . We went the first day as far as the home of Filo Pruner , a brother of Uncle Jerry 's wife , near Sparta , Ohio . We stayed the night at his home . Then Filo , my father , my mother , and I started out the next morning for Uncle Jerry 's . My father and Filo each drove a team hitched to a " big wagon . " We took dinner with us and ate it at Whetstone River Bridge , an old covered bridge . We forded the Scioto River , as there was no bridge then where we had to cross ( they were just building one ) . The water was so deep that it nearly came up to the wagon bed . We arrived at Uncle Jerry 's about sundown ; I think we stayed two nights and a day before starting back home . I remember it rained nearly all the way home , and the cover we had for protection from the rain was only two bed sheets . I was six years old and I remember that trip like it was yesterday . Mother and I and two of Uncle Jerry 's girls , Dicy and Emma , rode in one covered wagon . The two men , Father , Filo Pruner , and Uncle Jerry 's oldest son , Arnold , rode in the Pruner wagon . We brought back with us some of their household furniture - a cupboard in one wagon and a bureau in the other . Uncle Jerry and Aunt Lavina then had a baby girl named Barbara ( named after my grandmother ) . Barbara was born on March 25 , 1867 . At the time of this writing , she is 76 years old . The boy who came with us from Richwood , Arnold - born on July 28 , 1856 - is now 87 years old . They both live in Pasadena , California . As soon as Uncle Jerry 's family was able to travel , they loaded the rest of their belongings into his wagon and came back home to Knox County . They moved into a cabin near Grandmother 's until they could get another house . Uncle Jerry 's brother had a house and some land . As soon as his brother 's house was empty , they moved into it . While living there , they had a baby boy , Raymond ( making five boys and five girls ) . That last baby boy was later a Methodist preacher , but is now retired , being 74 years of age . Another son , Benton , lived in Oakland , California . Only these four of the ten children are living at this time . When I was about six years old , I started to school . My first teacher was a young man by the name of William Bricker . He taught three months , then took a vacation . Viola Bricker then taught three months , beginning the first of June and continuing through August . Then no more school until December , January , and February . No teacher taught more than three or four months at a time . Manda Hagerty taught one summer and Mother visited the school . I remember different teachers . Miss Hagerty had " red " hair . When my mother was very ill , I was not sent to school . But the winter she died , a young man by the name of Russell Robertson taught at the Bedell School where I attended . He was studying medicine at the time , in the winter of 1869 and 1870 . As I said , I went to school only part of the time . There were about 75 pupils in the school . The teacher boarded with the Sylvester Pratt family . One day , while he was gone for his dinner , the boys decided to shut the teacher out . There was no lock on the door , so they braced some of the benches against it and wouldn 't let him in . This was all because they wanted him to treat , it being Christmas time . Dr . Robertson taught two terms at this school and turned out to be a fine doctor . After he began practicing medicine , I went to him when I needed a doctor 's services . Once he told me that , when I was his pupil , I was so timid that he was afraid to say anything to me . He died the summer before I was married . My grandmother , Barbara Koonsman - Bricker - Rush , was the mother of nine children , the six born to her and John Bricker , and the three born to her and Peter Rush . Her husband , Peter , had six children by his former wife ( three boys whose names I recall were James , John , and William ; two of the girls were named Mary and Margaret ) . I do not recall the names of the other girls . By the time Peter and Barbara 's children were nearly grown , the fields had been cleared so they could raise crops on them . My grandfather Peter Rush had a loom and my Aunt Rebecca learned to weave cloth . They raised flax , and of this flax , they took the straw and hackled it : Made it into thread and wove it into linen sheets and other articles . They raised sheep and had their wool carded [ 3 ] and spun into yarn . They knit their own stockings and made flannel . They also made what they called Lincy Woolcy [ 4 ] for men 's clothes . The warp was linen and the filling was wool . I have told you that I was an only child . I guess my mother and father sort of spoiled me . Mother always took me to church and I would sing and think I was as big as anyone . I had several cousins to play with , one who was nearly three years older than I . We each had our dolls and played house . There was a woods near my cousin 's home . We would go there , mark out a floor plan , and cover the supposed floor with different kinds of moss . I remember that place when I was almost grown . At my home , we played " in the shade of the apple trees . " I also remember playing " keeping store . " In our house was a large chimney . Outside the chimney was olay burned red that we used for sugar . I once had a family of four gray kittens which we dressed up one day . My Mother decided to get rid of them and took them away , but brought me a blue and white cat instead . My mother always had poor health , but when she became seriously ill , we sometimes had a " hired girl " ( what maids were called in my early days ) . Sometimes my father did the housework with my help , and my Aunt baked our bread and also helped out ( as did some of my mother 's nieces ) . I remember that one time I wanted chicken to eat . Mother told me , " You can have one if you can kill it . " I was about eight years old . I caught a chicken and took a corn cutter and cut its head off . I then scaled and picked it . I can 't remember the rest , but presume my father cooked it . I also remember that one time we were out of bread and I said I could make biscuits if Mother would tell me how . Father put some flour in a pan and I made the biscuits . I remember what a time I had getting the dough off my hands . When Father would be in the fields working , I would go to the milk house and skim the milk and feed the calf - while my mother was sick in bed . I also had to do other things , such as sweep the floors and make the beds . Playtime was over for me . Mother kept getting worse . Hannah Meeker stayed with us until after Mother died and we held her funeral . It was in a home where my father 's half - brother , Uncle George Bricker , had lived before he went to Illinois to live that my mother died on the 8th of January , 1870 . I was nine years old on the 5th of January . My mother was laid to rest in an old family burying ground and was the last one to be buried in it . My father and I then went to live with my Grandmother . In a year - and - a - half ( sometime in the last of June , 1871 ) , my father remarried , this time to Delia Ann Lewis . They lived in the home with her father and mother . A year later , a baby boy , George Franklin , was born to them . The Lewises had a beautiful eight - room home , six rooms downstairs and two rooms upstairs , and there were beautiful pine trees in the yard . There were two springs of cold water and a spring house with water running through it . All went well at first , but later clouds began to gather and that beautiful house wasn 't a happy home . Before my father married the second time , I spent a lot of my time in the field with him , sometimes riding a horse to help him plow corn . I wonder that I hadn 't been killed . My Aunt Rebecca was always saying , " You will get her killed . " Once I slid down over a horse 's head . Another time the horse was tied to the limb of a tree ; the horse went under the tree and raked me off behind his heels . Another time I was riding home to dinner when our dog ran out of some bushes and frightened the horse , which jumped and threw me off . I thought every bone in my body had been broken , but I got up and walked home . I also spent much of my time fishing . There was a stream of water called Armstrong Run . There was a big sycamore log on one side of the Run and a deep hole was washed out beside it . There I sat for hours catching fish . I remember once seeing how many I could catch . I caught fifty minnows , some about as long as my fingers ( about three inches ) . When I was older , and when my Grandmother was sick , I would lean over that sycamore log and snare the bigger fish , called Suckers . I 'd take them home and they would fry them for Grandmother . I could have drowned and they never would have known where I was . On December 11 , 1873 , my father died with pneumonia , leaving Delia Ann with a baby boy eighteen months old . Then , in about eighteen months , Delia Ann 's father died , leaving no man around to help keep the place beautiful . Two weeks before his death , my father came to my Grandmother 's and took me to where he lived , with the Lewises . We then traveled to Friendship Church , from which we proceeded back to his home . In the evening , he took me nearly home to Grandmother 's . That was the last time I saw him until the day before he died . I think he had a premonition that his time was short on this earth , for he talked to me until I nearly cried . He told me he wanted me to be good to Grandmother and Aunt Rebecca . He turned and looked at me and said , " I can 't do much for you now as long as John Lewis [ his father - in - law ] lives , " then he went back to their home . About two weeks later my cousin Arnold Rush said to me , " Did you know your pa is awful bad sick ? " That was the first I had heard of his being ill . The next day my Aunt Sarah Higby went with me to see my father . He was as bad sick as he could be and still be alive . Then he said to me , " You will not have a father here much longer , but be a good girl and you will have a father in heaven . " He died the next evening . My father was laid to rest in what was known as Liberty Chapel Cemetery . How well I remember : My Uncle Miller Rush took Grandmother , Aunt Rebecca Bricker , Aunt Mag Rush ( his wife ) , and me in his wagon to the funeral . Ben Lewis took Pap 's horses ( I called my father " Pap " ) to his wagon and took Delia Ann , her father and mother , and little George Franklin , to the funeral . George Franklin was only one - and - a - half years old ( he never remembered his father ; he was reared by his mother and grandmother Lewis ) . On the day of the funeral , the roads were muddy and the mud was deep . When they went to put my father 's casket in the grave , there was so much water in it that they dipped it out with a bucket before they could lower the casket . But he wasn 't there : His spirit had gone to its giver and his body had gone to " Old Mother Earth . " My father 's death hastened the death of my grandmother , who passed on May 10 , 1874 , at about 85 . I was left then with only my Aunt Rebecca . The coming fall , Aunt Rebecca and I went to the home of her daughter ( my cousin ) , Rose Thayer , where I lived most of the time until I was about sixteen years old . Many were the times my grandmother would look out the window toward the way my father always came and say , " Oh , will I never see my son come anymore ? " Father 's mother , my dear old grandmother , tried to make up to me for the loss of my mother , but nothing and nobody can fill a mother 's place . As I said , it was about eighteen months after Father died that Delia Ann 's father died . By that time , I was practically a grown woman . I often went to see Delia Ann and my half - brother , George Franklin . They were always glad to see me . One night Grandmother Lewis fell down the cellar steps , broke her hip , and wasn 't able to walk again for a long time - except by pushing a chair ahead of her . When I lived with my old aunt and said anything about wanting books , she would say , " When I went to school , if they had an English reader and a spelling book , that was all they needed . " My mother being sick so much , I was neglected . I was sent to school until I was ten years old - with nothing but a McGuffy spelling book . One of the neighbor girls asked the teacher , Joan Phillips , if she didn 't think I could have a first reader . She said , " I will see . " She had me read a piece from my spelling book and said , " Yes , I guess you can have a first reader . " I was overjoyed . I went home , told my father , and got the reader . When I look back over the years , I wonder , " Is it really me ? " , like the old woman who got her petticoats cut off . I didn 't have a first reader very long until I got a second reader , then next I was ready for the third reader . I was eleven then . We had left some chickens at our old house . They had laid some eggs there and hatched some chickens , which had grown to a size large enough to sell . One day I decided to take my old dog and catch some of these chickens and send them to town to get myself a third reader and spelling book . My dear cousin , Rose Thayer ( the one called " Grandma " ) , took those chickens to town and got my books for me . You now wonder about where my other books came from . Well , dear " Grandma " Thayer lent me an arithmetic book , a neighbor girl another book , and so on . This neighbor girl , Clara Newell , was instrumental in helping me get my first reader , and also got me into what we called the Lower School ( a school that took up after my school , the Bedell School , was out ) . The Lower School had a sweet little teacher by the name of Ella Rogers , who lived with her grandfather , Henry Pratt . Her mother was also dead . It was she who taught me to write . She had me get some foolscap paper [ 5 ] and she made me a copy . It was there that I got my first lessons in penmanship . I am not the best scribe now , but , like the speed in which I learned to read , I soon learned to write pretty well . I went from the third to the fourth reader , then to the fifth reader - but no farther . I never was the best in arithmetic , but can make out . As I said , with no one to encourage me ( and as I didn 't have the books that I wanted ) , I quit school and didn 't go much after I was thirteen years old . Now children have an armful of books . When I was sixteen , I was small for my age . People didn 't think I could do much work . They would say they didn 't think I ever would be very big . I wanted so much to grow and get big like the other children . I seemed to be healthy enough , but I had slept with my grandmother when she was somewhere in her eighties and on the downward road . Therefore , it has been suggested that perhaps I was stunted . After she died , I didn 't live with old people and I started to grow . By the time I was twenty years of age , I was as big as most other girls , but people never thought I was as old as I was . I didn 't keep company with the opposite sex as early as some others did . As I said previously , after my grandmother 's death , my Aunt Rebecca and I went to live with my cousin Rose Thayer . She lived close to a woods where there were maple sugar trees . I decided to tap some of these trees . I put crocks and a jar beside the trees to catch the sugar water . I put an iron kettle on a pole , built a fire under it , boiled the water down , and made some maple sugar . I had made enough maple sugar that , when sold , brought enough to get me a dress and a belt . Then I got an awful headache and felt like my brains were flopping up and down . The next morning I was broken out with measles . That stopped my sugar - making . Cousin Rose and Aunt Rebecca had to give me their " cure - all . " They got some spicewood and made some tea . And what else do you think they put in the spicewood tea ? Sheep " nannies " ( sheep manure ) . They knew I wouldn 't drink it if I knew what was in it , so I was not told until after I got well . However , as you know , it didn 't kill me . I don 't know if I ever had the mumps . I remember my cousin Olive Rush was once where they had mumps . We heard people say to rub your neck on a hog trough and you wouldn 't get the mumps . We both rubbed our necks on a hog trough and we didn 't get the mumps . But I may have had them before that . I had been exposed at different times later and never got them . In connection with the making of maple sugar , I am reminded that , when I was seven or eight years old ( or perhaps younger ) , there was a sugar camp on my grandmother 's farm . Uncle Miller Rush tapped the trees . He took a ¾ " bit and bored holes in the trees and drove two spoils in the holes he had bored . Spoils were made of alders with one side shaved off and the pith pushed out . The sap ( or sugar water ) ran out of those trees , through the spoils , and down into a trough that had been made from a piece of a butternut tree . It was hewed out and made into a trough . The water was then carried from these troughs in buckets and put into barrels . It was then put in 18 or 20 - gallon kettles which were placed over a furnace made of stones and clay . These kettles were hung on so - called trunnels made from wood . These trunnels were made with a forked end , with one end cut off and hooked over a pole . The sugar water was then boiled down to a syrup , keeping a big fire under the kettles . When the syrup reached a certain consistency , it was strained . If syrup was wanted for table use , it was taken off the fire before it got thick enough for sugar . When sugar was made , the syrup was boiled down real thick . It was then stirred with a large wooden paddle until it got crumbly . Grandmother had what they called a wooden cask , which held four or five gallons . I remember getting sugar out of that cask . I just heard on the radio somebody talking about making a cake . I remember one of my first cakes . My step - mother had made a cake and , after she put it in the oven and it began to rise , she stirred it down . I told her I would make a cake for her . I was about twelve years old then . I made a cake and it wasn 't so bad . Today , as I proceed with this history , it is January 8 , 1944 , and just 74 years ago today my mother died . I was nine years old . I look back and see the many changes . Father had a sleigh for traveling when snow was on the ground . In the summer , he would hitch two horses to a spring wagon . Sometimes he would hitch the horses to a " big wagon . " I did not have a home like other girls . I would go places and do housework for people until they didn 't need me any longer . They would say , " I guess we don 't need you any longer , " then take me to my aunt 's or my uncle 's ( my Uncle George Bricker 's ) . An old gentleman by the name of Hatcher had heard of me and he came to see if I wouldn 't come and live with them . I was just past fifteen . I went and stayed there five days . Mrs . Hatcher was eighty years old and was an old maid when she married . She was very queer and all the time when she would lie down , she would groan like this : aah , haa , aah , haa . So much that I couldn 't ' stand to hear her , so I told them I was needed at home . They gave me 50 ₵ . In the meantime , Nicholas Darling came for me to go to their house , as his wife wasn 't very well . They had no children . There was just Nicholas and his wife . She had been another " old maid , " as queer as one gets . But for all that , she was good to me in her way . She paid me $ 1 . 00 a week , but I had most of the work to do except baking . ( Remember , girls didn 't get wages then like they do now . ) I lived in their home about five months , then came back to my cousin Rose Thayer 's and Aunt Rebecca 's . Later Mr . Darling came after me again , but I stayed there only two weeks , as his wife didn 't want to pay me what the work was worth . When he told her what he was to pay me ( $ 1 . 50 a week ) , she said she wouldn 't have asked for my services , so I said I would go home . Then she wanted me to stay , but I was hurt by her saying what she did . I walked some distance , to Fredericktown , Ohio , where my cousin Mary Thayer was working . I was thinking I could get her to go home with me on the train , but she refused , as she was expecting her friend Charley Hatten . Her mother , cousin Rose , had learned about Charley Hatten and sent Mary 's brother Elias to bring her home . When she told my cousin Rose and my Aunt Rebecca about my wanting to come home , they sent Whit Higby after me . He came with two horses , one with a side saddle for me to ride . The Darlings didn 't like my leaving , but such was life for me . Someone would come and say , " Can I get you to help us for a week or two ? " - till they got their work done - then I would pack my clothes and go back home until somebody else wanted me . When I was about 22 years of age , I went to work for a family by the name of Anderson . Mrs . Anderson was a nice woman . She told me they once had a " hired girl " by the name of Frye and how Mr . Anderson and his hired hand had hauled water for their livestock in a barrel and had put her in the barrel . One would hold her and the other would drive . While I was there , they got a new baby . When Mrs . Anderson was in bed and I passed Mr . Anderson on going out to milk the cow , he pulled me down on his lap . There was a table close by with some books on it . I got off his lap , took one of those books , and threw it at him - hitting him in the mouth . Was he mad ! I got out the door as fast as I could , but he sent his boot after me . He didn 't like me after that , but there was no love lost between us . I decided to leave them and go back home to my cousin 's . I wasn 't home yet when our neighbor , Mrs . Charlie Blaire , wanted me . I went . And what a difference ! I didn 't have nearly the work to do - and I felt right at home with them . They had two little girls that liked me and I liked them . They would argue over which one would sleep with me . I was there eight weeks and they paid me the same wages as the Darlings did . After that I was a regular visitor in their home . When I went there , the little girls didn 't want me to leave and their mother always wanted me to stay . They were more like my own people than neighbors . The two Blair girls , Lottie and Nellie , grew to be young ladies . But the eldest , Lottie , incurred tuberculosis and died . This , naturally , nearly broke her parents ' hearts , as well as the hearts of her grandparents . The younger girl , Nellie , got married to a school teacher by the name of Charles Body . Before these two girls were grown , a son was born , named Herbert ( and a badly spoiled child he was ) . Then another girl named Mary . Nellie and Charles Body had one little girl when Lottie died . The Blairs were good Christian people . Early in life they had parties at their home , as they had a big house . My cousin and I were always invited to these parties - oyster suppers , and so forth . Later , when I worked away farther from home , I didn 't visit them so often . I was at their home after I was married , then they left the farm and moved to Mt . Vernon . We were living in Mt . Vernon at the same time . I worked for Deacon Travis for , I think , fourteen weeks . They paid me $ 2 . 00 a week . Later I went to Curtis Grubb 's for two weeks and it was from them that the James Ramsey 's heard about me . I went to the Ramsey 's and could have stayed there , but the Leonards offered me $ 2 . 00 a week , so I was there six months , after which I returned to the Ramsey 's . From the Ramsey 's I went to work for a family by the name of Banning . They owned a flour mill and lived in Mount Vernon . Mrs . Banning was a nice person , but had never done much work . They had a little boy , William , who was three years old . William would walk up to anybody who came in the house and say , " I will spit in your face . " His father wouldn 't permit his mother to correct him . One day he said to me , " I will spit in your face . " I said , " If you do , I will wash your mouth out with soap . He said , " Wash my mouth . " I picked up a cloth and washed his mouth . He cried and his mother came in and wanted to know what was the matter . I told her and she said , " Well , Willie , I can 't blame Ella . " Later she told me that had broken Willie of this bad habit . ( I told him about this when he was grown . ) Mrs . Banning said , when she showed me her diamonds , that she wouldn 't show them to other girls she had had . The father , mother , and this son have all gone to their rewards . The Bannings paid me only $ 2 . 00 a week and I left there after six weeks . There was too much work for this money . I was always treated with great respect except by one old lady , a Mrs . McIntire . Mrs . McIntire had two girls who always wanted to be near me when I was there . Mrs . McIntire had a sick mother and the preacher and his wife came to see her and were going to have prayer . She asked her daughters to come into the room , but they wouldn 't go in without me . Then I asked to enter the room to have prayer , and Mrs . McIntire made a remark that humiliated me . I also went to Levi Braddock 's and was there six weeks when I decided to quit and made the excuse that I was needed at home . Then I decided I would go and be a chamber maid at the Gambier School for Girls . But before I was ready to leave , John White came for me to work for them . It was from there that your daddy started keeping company with me . As I have said , I quit school at sixteen and , as I wasn 't left with much of this life 's goods , I went out to make my living amongst strangers . I was 23 years of age when I went to live with the Ramsey family , who had one child , a boy nine years old . They were grand people and Mrs . Ramsey was like a mother to me . Their names were James and Almeda . It was about seven years from the time I went to live with them until I was married . On February 2 , 1891 , your father and I moved onto the Peter Allerding farm - where we lived for three years . On this farm , David Harold was born on April 23 , 1892 and Cecile May on October 6 , 1893 . We then moved onto the Ramsey farm , where Irene Elizabeth was born on January 30 , 1895 . We then bought a farm of 70 acres , known as the Dave Travis farm , which is between the two Delaware roads , about seven miles west of Mount Vernon . We moved to this farm on April 1 , 1895 . On July 30 , 1896 , Floyd Jacob Bryan was born . On May 25 , 1898 , twins , George Andrew and Rose Anna , were born . And on September 23 , 1900 , Mildred Marie was born . All on the Travis farm . In recalling the past , when we lived on the Allerding farm , near the Ramsey 's , I went to town in a cart , driving a horse we called Jack . At the Ramsey place I passed some boys , among whom was " Do Do " Ringwalt . He reached over with a whip and hit Jack ( a colt your daddy had brought from home ) , who started to run . " Do Do " was a mental case . When we lived on the Ramsey place , Daddy hitched up a horse named Dandy - a colt Grandfather White had given him - and we went out to look for hogs . When we got as far as the Lewis place , some boys in an old shop scared Dandy . The horse started to run and turned the cart over on its side , where I was sitting , throwing me between the side of the cart and the wheel . I was dragged until Dandy got loose from the cart . But Daddy held on and Dandy made a sled of him , pulling him by just the lines . Daddy lost the skin off his little finger and I had a fractured rib . And were we muddy ! But we were lucky not to be worse off . Daddy kept Dandy until the fall of 1900 when Mildred was born , then sold him and bought a mare we named Rock ( to raise colts ) . The first colt was a horse I named Captola . She had Queen and then Belle . Queen and Belle were our team when we later lived in Mt . Vernon . Daddy bought a mate for Captola , which we named Morgue ( after the man by the name of Morgan from whom we purchased him ) . Daddy sold this team to make the final payment on a house we had bought in Mount Vernon , on Sandusky St . Incidentally , the man who bought this team was blown to pieces by nitroglycerine - a sad ending . But not the horses he had bought from us , Cap and Morgue . When we left the Ramsey farm and moved onto our own farm between the two Delaware roads - the David Travis farm - Irene was two months old . I couldn 't help much , but as soon as I could wrap up the children and take them to the barn , I would leave them in the " entry " while I did the milking and feeding . Sometimes your father would take a load of hogs to town in the afternoon , getting home at night . I would take the lantern , go out to meet him , and stay with him until he had his horses put in the barn . I did this until the children got big enough to do it . As I said , I always went to the barn and put feed in the boxes for the horses when your Daddy was gone . When we were on our farm , I mowed hay , raked hay , loaded hay , cut corn , and hauled in corn . Why did I do it ? To get ahead and have something for my children . I was just thinking how you children used to go to meet your Daddy when you would see him coming up the road from town toward home . He would stop and let you in the wagon and almost always have a sack of candy for you . But longest joys don 't last forever . As I said , your Daddy would occasionally go to town in the afternoon , then seldom got home until late at night . You children would be in bed , but I always stayed up and got his supper and took the lantern and held it for him until he got his horse unhitched . I remember that one time I was holding the lantern when " Old Rock " jumped at me . ( She was very mean about biting people . ) I started backward and couldn 't stop until I fell down . One time I rode the mowing machine to cut clover for seed , with Mildred on my lap a part of the time . Once , when all the children were at school , I said to your Daddy , " You harness the horses and , when I get my work done , I will hitch them up and haul in a load of corn . " Then he would drive it to the house and unload it while I got dinner . Just remembering and living life over again ! Having a family , there was work for all . One day I sent Irene and Floyd to the potato patch to dig some potatoes . Irene was about five years old and Floyd eighteen months younger . I heard Floyd cry . He had bent over to pick up some potatoes and , when Irene went to dig some more , she struck just in time to hit him on the nose . When he came to the house , his nose was bleeding and the right nostril was closed by the hoe hitting it - a thing that should have been taken care of by a doctor . But your Daddy wasn 't one to have a doctor for " little things . " When Mildred was three years old , I wanted to go to see my Aunt Margaret Smith ( my mother 's twin sister ) , who lived in Hebron , Ohio ( near Newark ) . We had a field of small corn , which your Daddy said was so short he dreaded cutting it . I said , " If you will take me to see Aunt Margaret , I will help cut the corn . " I helped out on that and another field . We got a neighbor to stay with the children and drove " Old Rock , " hitched to a buggy , to Hebron . I think we stayed about three days . I have prayed that the Lord might spare my life to make my son Harold a home , for it seems no one in the family wants to keep him in theirs . He has an ungovernable temper and some think he should be put in a home for the feeble - minded . However , he is not one who could be called " silly . " At times , he seems as bright as other people . When he went to school , he didn 't learn like the others did , but he can read and can tell a lot of what he learned in history . The children all went to school , and Cecile and Irene passed the Boxwell examination ( required before entrance to a high school ) . But where were they going to stay while in school ? One day we were driving up Sandusky Street in Mount Vernon and noticed a house for sale . It was the home where my cousin Emma Rush - Secord had lived . Your Daddy went to see the administrator , a Dr . Wagner , and bought the place . When school began in the fall , we moved the two girls down into some of the rooms of this house which were unoccupied . Then we moved from the farm to this house the first of April , 1910 , when Cecile and Irene were still in high school . Four of the others went to grammar school there . Cecile decided to quit high school and got a job in a dry goods store and then got married . But Irene continued in high school for three more years . We them moved back to the farm , leaving Cecile and Irene at the home in Mt . Vernon . Later George entered high school . Cecile married Frank Koletka on August 18 , 1913 . On October 20 , 1914 , a baby girl , Rose Marie , was born . They soon went to live in Huntington , West Virginia , where her husband 's people lived . Then they had a son , Jack . Irene also married and had a baby girl , Anita . Cecile got work in a dry goods store in Huntington and asked Irene , who had given up housekeeping , to come down to Huntington to keep house for her - which she did . When Anita was a year old , Irene saw an ad in a newspaper for a stenographer . She answered it and got the job . Then she sent for my last girl , Mildred , who went to Huntington ( leaving me all alone with their father and two boys , Harold and Floyd George ) . In the meantime , Rose married . When we moved into our own home . The house was larger and newer than where we had rented . It had a shingle roof on the main part . But your daddy thought a slate roof would last longer , so he decided to put a slate roof on it . He , my half - brother Franklin , and Charles Hatten ( my cousin Mary Hatten 's husband ) put the roof on . One day later , George ( who was too young to go to school ) , put wood in the heating stove in the dining room ( a stove we called the " parlor cook stove " ) . It was dry rail wood . The chimney was built on two wood planks . They caught fire . The fire was making good headway when Cecile and Irene discovered there was a large hole burning in the ceiling . Your father was at the far end of the farm . I sent two of the children to him , two to our neighbors ( the Myerses ) , and put a 15 - foot ladder up on the house . I screamed " fire " as loudly as I could . The neighbors came running and said they could have heard me for two miles . Your daddy went up on the house and said " We will have to cut a hole in the roof . " He did and found the fire was going up the rafters . If he hadn 't , the main part of the house would have been on fire . This was the fall , when men were getting ready to sow their wheat . Thus , the house just stood there as it was , with nothing done to the flue or roof . Night after night , I would look up at that flue and see if there was any fire there . After Daddy got his wheat sowed , Charles Hatten helped him tear the roof off the dining room , build a bedroom on the south of the dining room , move the pantry from the south to the east of the dining room , and raze the kitchen and move it to the south . The door , which was formerly on the outside of the house , now led to the pantry . The door which had been the south outside door to the dining room now went into the bedroom . Then we made stairs to the basement out of what was our long sitting room on the southwest corner of the dining room , and made a back stairs leading from the downstairs bedroom . The roof over the dining room was razed and we made a bedroom over the dining room . An outside entrance to the basement was also built . This was all done in the fall of 1903 , when Mildred was three years old . When we were married fifteen years , we had a crystal wedding anniversary . Two preachers were there , Rev . McBroom and Rev . Warren Bedell . Rev . Bedell was a schoolmate and friend of my father . There were about 100 people present . We set a table in the front yard , had a 10 - gallon can of ice cream , plenty of cake , and a whole stalk of bananas . The party was not to get presents , but to get our friends together ( although we received some very nice crystalware ; I still have some pieces left ) . There have been many changes since then . Those two ministers and their wives have gone to their reward and only a few of the others are left . My children are all grown and married - except Harold . Some of their children have married and now have children . Daddy 's mother died in the fall of 1896 . Your daddy did his father 's farming until his father died in the fall of 1898 . Your daddy 's father wanted he and his brother David to take over the place , but his daughters Jennie McKinstry , Mary Doty , and Sarah Lacey went to court and took the estate out of the administrator 's hands . It was then sold by the Sheriff and Judge Wayt bid on it . He tried to settle with your daddy 's brother , John White , but he couldn 't get him to agree to anything . Judge Wayt came out from Mt . Vernon on two different days . He ate dinner with us the first day and said he would eat the next day with John , but that John was so cross , he came back and ate dinner with us the second day . Later , Ransom Yaokum sold Daddy eighty acres from his farm to the north of ours . Later a man who owned what was called " the McIntire land " sold him fifty acres . Daddy came home from town the evening after he had bought the fifty acre tract and said , " I did something bad today . " I said , " What did you do ? " He replied , " I bought the fifty acres over there " ( making us 206 acres ) . The first year we owned this fifty acres , I think we must have harvested 200 bushels of wheat off that place . The next year Daddy , with the children 's help , put up seven big ricks of hay off the same field . The children rode the horses and dragged in the shocks . Elder McBroom helped him that year . We all worked and saved . I can remember that , after we were married and during the presidency of Grover Cleveland , we sold hogs for three cents a pound . Later that year , we got seven cents a pound . When I was a child , and after the Civil War , muslin was 15 ₵ and 20 ₵ a yard . I remember that I got muslin later for 6 ₵ and 8 ₵ a yard , and once I bought calico for 3 ₵ a yard . Later , when the South began to rebuild and raised more cotton , prices came down to where calico and prints that had sold for 25 ₵ came down to 10 ₵ and 12 - 1 / 2 ₵ . Woolens sold at $ 1 . 00 , $ 1 . 50 , and $ 2 . 00 a yard , and there was not much that we could afford to buy ( the effect of the Civil War ) . Times finally got better and farmers were paid some better prices , but not until the last twenty - five years did farmers get better prices for what they produced . But , really , these were the good old " wagon " days , before the automobile . Fewer people were killed . Your father was the youngest of eleven children and is the only surviving member at this date . His sister , Anna , died two years ago , the 13th of January . We were married fifty - three years on November 26 , 1943 . At the time of this writing , I am in Huntington , West Virginia , with my daughter Irene . I will be 83 years old on January 5 , 1944 . I don 't amount to much - only keep Irene company . My daughter , Rose Anna ( Riley ) is at our place , keeping the home fires burning . Your father is quite feeble for his years and not as able to work as I am . Until the file became corrupted during my final edit . I had to not only repeat the editing , but also re - type all of the words . Every last one of them . |
She shushed him , aiming her binoculars left as the helicopter turned . Evan had been flying her for almost two hours now , a much longer excursion than usual . It was easy to understand his frustration . Still , Pamela hadn 't gotten a good triangulation . The elephants were traveling northeast , and the birds were flying southeast , but where would their paths cross ? " What about the fish ? " Evan asked . It might 've been a joke . The helicopter was so loud , Pamela couldn 't even be sure if she 'd heard him correctly . " Plenty of aquatic life have tracking tags , " she answered . " Marine biologists love those things . We can ask them later . " It was almost a good enough angle for her to take out her camera and snap a photograph . It would 've been marvelous , and their boss would 've loved it , but they had to stay focused . There wasn 't time to get the camera set up and wait for a perfect shot , not with Evan in this mood . Pamela aimed eastward . They were far from any cities , hanging over northeastern Egypt . There was sparse foliage , and there was hardly any color but beige to be seen . They were all going somewhere . It was clear to everyone in the world . It started quietly , only noticed by a handful of researchers , noticing migration patterns changing . Some animals shifted course , going due east , others going due west . Even the sea creatures , like the whales and the fish , all suddenly changed course . The birds stop flying south for the winter . The salmon stopped returning to the rivers . They were all going the wrong way . Other people started to notice too . There weren 't so many mosquitoes out anymore . There weren 't so many ants , or flies , or bees . One by one , families found that their cats and dogs had escaped from their houses , sprinting off without any clear reason . Birds went wild , breaking free form their cages . Hamsters tried to squeeze between the bars , break free . Fish leapt out of their aquariums only to dry out and die on the hardwood floor . The scientists worked together , comparing data , and the military donated some vehicles to watch over the bizarre migrations , and everybody seemed to cooperate thanks to this strange , inexplicable phenomenon . Everything else in the world simply … stopped . No more wars . No more politics . No more economics . It was captivating . " Here 's what gets me , " he said , his words almost completely lost under the helicopter 's propellers . " If all of the animals are going to the same place at the same time by sheer instinct , oftentimes even land - designed animals leaping into an ocean and drowning because the stupid things can 't swim , why aren 't humans captured by that same instinct ? We 're animals too , aren 't we ? " That made Pamela lower her binoculars . She chewed on her lip as she thought . " We 're following the animals . Seems like we 're winding up at the same place anyway , doesn 't it ? Maybe the others are doing the same thing , just following each other . " Evan was gawking through the front windshield searching for what she saw . It was very faint , but she knew . There was a massive circle of animals , all standing around one specific point . As they flew in closer , Pamela could tell that they weren 't the first ones to arrive . There were a couple of other helicopters landed on the uneven terrain , not a long distance off . And there were tire tracks , and sounds of commotion , and cars , and vans , and it was an incredible sight to see . " I don 't know about you , but I get the sense that these animals aren 't going to move for anything . They came all this way to get scared off by a couple of pesky people ? I don 't think so . " Nonetheless , Evan seemed to see the sense of it and started to bring the helicopter downward . " Researchers like ourselves , " he guessed . " Or maybe locals around the area . We 're not the only ones who noticed the stampede . It 's all over the news . " As the ground grew closer , there were more people visible than she 'd imagined . Hundreds had gotten here before them . Pamela couldn 't help but feel a twinge of annoyance that they were far from the first to find the location . By the time they 'd landed and packed up their gear , four more vans had driven up and parked , one of which belonged to a news team . It only made her more anxious . It didn 't seem right , all of these wild animals being gaped at like they were in a zoo . Then again , she 'd shown up to gape at them as well . " Show ? " Pamela said back to him . It wasn 't the right term at all . These people had no respect . Before long , this really was going to turn into a stampede , and nobody would be grinning then . The man took of his sunglasses , squinting . " The show . You haven 't got the news , have you ? With you flying around the past hour or so , must 've missed it . " He grinned again . " This place is sacred . The birthplace of all life . Mankind started here , and I suppose every other animal did too . And now there 's a new one . " Pamela didn 't understand . Everything she knew about evolution and adaptation was flickering through her brain , but she contained herself . " A new animal , " she stated . The man pointed . " It 'll appear right in the center of that ring . Instinct brought the others back home to watch . S ' pose it brought you two as well . " Little Timmy was just about to leave for school . He had his backpack , his Batman lunchbox , and his lucky socks . Little Timmy was just walking out the door when his mother called to him , " Little Timmy , did you comb your hair today ? " Little Timmy 's hair was not satisfied by this response . " But I hate being messy and unruly ! I 'm going to eat your head off unless you comb me this instant ! " " Oh please don 't be angry ! " Little Timmy protested . " I didn 't bring a comb with me , and I 'd rather not be late for school ! " But it was too late . Little Timmy 's messy and unruly hair started eating away at his scalp . He let out a cry of pain , dropped his Batman lunchbox , and ran around in circles screaming . Now his head was really starting to hurt , so Little Timmy ran to the butcher 's store . He ran through the door and cried , " Help ! Help ! I need a haircut fast ! " By now he was sure that his brain was being nibbled at , so Little Timmy ran to the old witch on the hill . He ran through the door and cried , " Help ! Help ! I need a haircut fast ! " Now he was quite certain that his cerebellum was being swallowed , which he thought was pretty far down his head , so Little Timmy ran to the master swordsman 's house . He ran through the door and cried , " Help ! Help ! I need a haircut fast ! " The master swordsman said , " Ah ! Thou hath a mighty wounded scalp , I dare say ! I shall see what I can do . " So he sat Little Timmy upon the dead body of a fallen foe and got out his finest blade . " Ah , this hath not gone well , " the master swordsman said . " My finest blade hath been swallowed . I shall be banished by the king for losing my sword . " " Ah , " the master swordsman said . " Thou hath been spared , for I hath borrowed this fine , fine chainsaw from the butcher not a moment ago . " He held up a familiar chainsaw that was as big as Little Timmy 's entire body . Now he wasn 't sure if he even had a nose the hair had eaten so much of his head , so Little Timmy ran all the way back home . He ran through the door and cried , " Help ! Help ! I need a haircut fast ! " " Ah , yes ! A comb at last ! " the hair cheered , and Little Timmy 's mother carefully combed his hair . " I feel so much less messy and unruly now ! " the hair said , and it spit out the rest of Little Timmy 's head right back into place . The plane had been catapulted into deep space at an incredible velocity . The force was so powerful that every passenger was immediately knocked out . It took ten minutes for the acceleration to slow , and for the plane to to stop spinning so rapidly . It took a lot of effort to rouse the pilot . His eyes were bloodshot when he opened them . The force of the explosion had caused serious damage to his brain , though he didn 't know it yet . His head had also slammed into the console repeatedly . " Crashed ? " the pilot gurgled . " No , we 're in the air , " the copilot said . He looked out at the blackness again . " At least … I think we are . " For a moment he thought that they were deep underwater , but the plane wouldn 't withstand being submerged . He was reminded of his night flights . The copilot grappled with the controls , lightly maneuvering them , though he found that nothing he did could change the plane 's course . According to the monitors , they were spinning . Spinning ? How could that be ? The copilot unbuckled his seatbelt , and that was when he realized something that he should have when he 'd first woken up . He had been too dazed to notice , but he wasn 't completely situated in his seat . In fact , the moment that he unbuckled , his body started to rise upwards . Space . Hm . The pilot thought it over . There was no feasible way to locate Earth , if it was still out there at all . Which meant that this plane would never reach solid ground again . It was a disturbing thought , but as a pilot , he had trained himself to think objectively in a crisis . While most crashes happened while the plane was still on the ground , the pilot had experienced his fair share of close - calls in the air . Throughout his career , he 'd had to make four emergency landings during cross - continental flights , either due to inclement weather or due to faulty equipment . The copilot was not able to think so objectively . He was leaving the cockpit to investigate what had become of the passengers . However , he had only made it halfway to the door before panic set in . No gravity meant many of the plane 's controls would fail . The engines could move them forward , but it would be difficult to counteract the spin that the plane was currently experiencing . For example , if they were never going to land the plane , then that meant there was a limited amount of food . Furthermore , there was an even more limited amount of air . None of them were clear on the specifics , but they were correct in believing that the oxygen was leaking out of their plane at an alarming rate . Normally they would all have about two and a half hours to live . Fortunately , or perhaps unfortunately , several passengers had died from the massive explosion and sudden increase of velocity , and none of them were taking in oxygen . This saved the rest of the passengers approximately half an hour . In most situations that involved such a level of anxiety , the mayhem would escalate and some sort of brawl would break out . That 's what the intention was , at least . Several passengers were going to storm into the cockpit and attempt to commandeer the plane for themselves , because obvious the pilots had been flying them in the very wrong direction . Luckily for the copilot and the slightly brain - damaged pilot , the passengers didn 't get that far , as the lack of gravity made it much harder to maneuver than they 'd expected . Moving without gravity is one thing , but moving through a group of flailing people , all of whom are panicking , was much different . These were not the only humans left in existence . Four other airplanes had survived the explosion of Earth , with surprisingly few casualties . At the time , seven people had been aboard the International Space Station , and they had the highest chance of survival . Unfortunately , every single one of them happened to be male , so while they would last the longest , they would not be able to reproduce and save the species . The copilot did eventually make his way out to greet the passengers . He was unable to calm anybody , because he wasn 't especially calm himself . Fights kept breaking out as people flew around the cabin , crashing into each other and throwing fists . The fights never lasted very long , as they were surprisingly exhausting , but another fight would break out only moments later on the other end of the plane . " Yes , we 're from out of town , " Richard said . His fiancé was clutching his arm . He sensed that she was getting nervous , but now wasn 't the time to mention it . The burly man stood from behind his desk . " Desk " wasn 't the precise word for it . It was a block of wood , to be more accurate . Everything in the cabin was made out of wood . It did resemble an office , just a little , but Richard wouldn 't have known were it not for the sign . As the man passed the light to Richard , Richard noticed the thick leather gloves on the man 's hands . They were the sort of gloves that would strangle somebody in a movie . Richard shivered , considering how cold it would be in the forest . The moment that they stepped out of the office , his fiancé grabbed his arm again . What was she so worried about ? They 'd looked at all of the pictures online before they 'd driven all the way out here . It wasn 't that creepy . The burly man held his flashlight at his waist , already turning it on . It seemed unnecessary , yet they were only a minute 's walk into the trees when Richard felt he needed to turn his light on as well . The canopy was thick , leaving thin beams of light , beams that were too far apart . It was unnatural . " The trees are strong here , " the burly man said loudly . His voice should have echoed , but the sound was muffled by the thick air . " These trees grow taller and faster than any in recorded history . This place was noted by the pioneers since as early as 1740 . " As they walked , it got somehow darker . Richard 's fiancé tightened her grip , and he could feel her breath getting heavier . He was tempted to ask the man to slow down , but didn 't intend to interrupt . " But it 's the carvings ! " the man went on . " That 's what really draws people here today . They didn 't start appearing until a little over sixty years ago . Very peculiar . Very peculiar indeed . " " The carvings were first sighted by my grandfather . He 's the man who set up shop here , giving tours . Been passed down the family ever since . " Richard searched between the trees with his flashlight , hunting for a carving . They had only been walking for three or four minutes , but their car felt like it was miles away . He threw a glance to his fiancé , who seemed to be calming down as she got adjusted , but Richard frowned when he thought that he could see her breath . Was it really so cold ? How was that possible ? Again , he shivered . " Here we are ! " the burly man announced . The light settled on a wooden pole in front of them . But as Richard grew closer , he saw that it was anything but a pole . The wooden carving was about five feet tall . It was perfect and precise . It was the shape of a woman , with wide eyes and an open mouth . She looked like she 'd been startled by something . " Hm , " the man said . He swung his light around in a full circle , searching . " Usually this is the second one we find . Must 've passed the other . " Richard stepped forward . He felt his fiancé 's arm fall away from his . His pressed the flashlight up against the face of the carving . The detail was incredible . It was as if the woman had been full and alive only a moment ago . The man shrugged emphatically . " That 's the great mystery of it . I 've seen a lot of wood carvings in my day , and nothing as intricate as this . " His leather gloves tightened on his flashlight , and he cleared his throat . " Take as long as you like , but there 's plenty more to see . " " Alright . " The burly man aimed his light deeper into the trees . " This way then . " He paused , then nodded . " Yes , yes , this way . " They had only gone a short distance before they found another one . This carving was a tall man , his arms thrust out as if he 'd been sprinting . " It 's amazing , " Richard admitted . He reached out his free hand and ran his fingers along the hair . Then he felt the face , the cold face . The man took a few steps back , giving him some room . Richard hardly noticed , entranced . There was some magic inside of the wood , and he couldn 't look away . His hand kept moving over the surface , trying to imagine what kind of person was capable of carving this . How long had it taken ? How many were out here in this forest ? " What 's funny is that it isn 't sap at all . Should be , but it 's over ninety percent water . " He laughed a deep laugh . " Like they 're crying almost . " The burly man tucked his flashlight under his arm and rubbed his leather gloves together , huffing out the cold air sharply . " Alright , " the man said . " You go that way . I 'll check over there . " The man disappeared into the dark so fast the Richard was sure he 'd vanished into thin air . Shaking his head , Richard took cautious steps forward , waving the light around wildly . " Ashley ! Ashley ! " It was impossible that she had gotten so far that she couldn 't hear him . Then again , he 'd noticed how the thick air seemed to muffle sound . There was something wrong with this forest . Something very wrong . He was a person who liked routine . He craved routine , to be more precise . Every morning he woke up , went to work , had lunch at the same café , and went home . Kevin worked at a grocery store , working the checkout line on weekday mornings . Mornings were easy . The movements were so repetitive , the swiping of the barcodes , the sorting through the register … For hours at a time , Kevin could live with his eyes closed . He didn 't need to think . It wasn 't that he didn 't like thinking , he just never had much of anything worth thinking about . After work , he went to the café . Everybody there knew him . It was a run by a family , the mom , the dad , the three daughters . They would share some small talk , but they weren 't precisely friends . There was somebody new in the café that day . Kevin knew all of the lunchtime regulars . It was a young boy , probably still a student . He was sitting at the table next to Kevin 's , examining a crinkled white envelope . Kevin was eating a tuna salad sandwich . He almost always got the tuna salad sandwich on weekends . Mondays , Wednesdays , and Fridays were typically days for grilled cheese sandwiches , while the Tuesdays and Thursdays were for bacon cheeseburgers . The only reason that he would ever break from this tradition was if the café had run out of ingredients for his preferred meal . Often when he came in , he wouldn 't have to bother ordering . One of the daughters would simply gesture to a seat and bring out the day 's lunch . The boy tilted his head , as if searching for something on Kevin 's face . " Can I ask you a favor ? It won 't be any trouble . " " Kevin , " Kevin said , reaching out a hand and shaking his . He did it automatically , feeling that he had no choice . " I 've never seen you here . " " I don 't live in town , " the boy told him , shrugging slightly . His eyes were on the envelope too . " I 'm from a couple cities over . " His smile grew . " I don 't quite know , to be completely honest . This morning I stole my dad 's motorcycle , and I started riding down the highway . No direction , no destination . " Kevin studied his face . Bryan 's tone seemed politely cheerful , but there was still an ounce of disappointment hidden behind it all . " Why did you leave ? " Kevin asked . " A few years ago , my mom was in the hospital , sick . The docs gave her a one in ten chance of living . " He flapped the envelope again , the paper crinkling . " My mom always liked handwritten letters . She said there was something nostalgic about them , something … melancholic . " The word sounded strange coming from his mouth . Bryan looked at it again , as if he hadn 't realized he was holding it . " My dad didn 't like to visit her in the hospital . I wanted to go alone , so I could talk to her without him looming in the back of the room , listening and judging … " He sighed deeply . " About a week after we last visited , my mom sent this letter . But she was dead before the letter arrived . " Again , Bryan flapped the envelope against his palm . " My dad never saw the letter . I got it out of the mail , and I hid it in my room . " He sneered . " My dad didn 't deserve to see it , didn 't deserve to know her last words . " His face fell a moment later , like a deflating balloon . " I didn 't deserve to read it either . So I never opened it . " Bryan looked away , his gaze on anything but the envelope . " I don 't know , really . I had a fight with my dad last night . Not a big fight , or at least no bigger than any of the others . But I was done with him . It was the last time . So I left , and the only reason I stopped here was because the bike was running out of gas . " Bryan smiled , puffing air out of his nose . " You 're somebody . As long as it 's not me or my father , I don 't care who reads that letter . " Kevin picked it up . He 'd expected it to feel special , have a certain weight to it , but it was just crinkled paper . He didn 't want it . It was difficult to say precisely why , but it seemed that this letter wasn 't meant to be read . " Do you have any idea what it says ? " " I have no idea . I keep thinking about the kind of ink she used . Black ink ? Red ink ? Blue ink ? Maybe it was written with a pencil . Maybe it 's written in perfect calligraphy . Maybe it 's meaningless scribbles , a desperate message from a dying mind . Maybe the pages are blank , one last crazy joke to infuriate my father . " He shook his head . " I have no idea . And I have no intention of finding out . " Kevin stared at the paper , at the address on the front . The address was typed onto a sticker , likely printed off by the hospital . There really was no way of knowing what sort of ink had been used . You couldn 't see through the paper . " The town on the address , " Kevin said . " You really have come a long way . " The boy returned to his table , eating the rest of his meal quickly . He was finished within a matter of minutes . He stood up , paid at the register , thanked the staff , and left . Kevin could hear the motorcycle revving outside . Kevin wanted to open the envelope right there , right that instant . But something held him back . After he ate his lunch , he brought the envelope home , but still he didn 't open it . He decided to sleep on it , and save it for tomorrow . She always marveled at the mere idea of them . A pathway , arcing through the sky , crossing the water . And it was a miracle that they could be built at all , somehow placing those supports so deep in the river , somehow holding all of that weight for decades . It was when she was little , when she was ten , that she found her love . She had snuck out of home , told her parents she was going to her friend 's place up the street . And she went all the way out to the main street , and she went all the way out to the bridge that crossed the river into downtown . She 'd brought all the money that she 'd saved up , and she went to a music store to buy the new Muse album . And then she had a couple dollars left over , so she got herself an ice cream cone . And on the way home , she crossed back over that bridge , and there was a man there , standing at the edge . He had been looking out at the river , staring out to the bay . Must 've been new in the city . He should 've looked sad , but he looked impressed , but about what , she didn 't know . What was it about bridges that she loved so much ? It wasn 't anything particular . It was the possibilities . It was the aesthetic . It was the power . She never talked about it . It was her secret love . One time when she was a freshman , she was taking the bus home , and she saw them fixing the bridge on the far other end of town . She got out and watched , from her own bridge , the bridge where she 'd seen the man fall . They had these boats , and they had all these big trucks . She 'd waited there for hours , watching , until the sun was going down . Her parents got mad at her for disappearing , and she didn 't want to say what she 'd been doing . She wanted to build . She drew maps . She learned the physics , and the weight distribution . She watched shows . She saw books once , at the library , but she didn 't dare check them out . She wanted nothing more than to get a boat and sail under the bridges , see them from below , see them from an angle that nobody ever thought to look from . She rarely thought about that jumping man . And she knew that she shouldn 't , but she wanted to see somebody else , watch somebody else fall . One night , when the whole house was asleep , she gotten onto her mom 's computer and watched videos of people jumping , but most of them were jumping from buildings , and it just wasn 't the same . There was something about standing over the center of the river , standing where the arc is the highest , and falling straight into the middle . The symmetry was unbearable . Some bridges had a smell to them . She 'd gone to the coast once , on vacation . There was this big bridge they 'd crossed over , on the way into the hills , for a hike . And she could smell the bridge , like the sea , and she could almost see the barnacles clinging to the legs . She wanted to climb down and touch them , to feel them . Sometimes she thought that she felt a little bit too much , that her emotions could never be tamed when she needed it most . Bridges could never be moved . They were impossibly sturdy , fighting gravity , fighting the waves , fighting the water that tried to whittle them away . When she thought about that day , she almost never thought about the man who jumped . She thought about the ice cream . A scoop of raspberry and a scoop of vanilla , with hazelnuts sprinkled on top . Only a dollar eighty . She 'd never found that place again , or maybe they 'd just upped the prices . It was the cold and the wind , or maybe it was the stillness . She didn 't know . She didn 't know why she loved the bridges . She had so many guesses , but none of them tasted right in her mouth . Not that she 'd ever say them aloud . Mom brought a brochure home once , from some city she 'd traveled too , and it had a wide , majestic bridge on the front . The brochure went missing , hidden under a bed . What do normal teenagers hide under their beds ? Money ? Liquor ? Certainly not brochures . But some nights , she took it out from under her bed , and she touched the cover , wanted to touch the concrete , touch the steel . Hear the traffic going by . Taste that ice cream again , a scoop of raspberry and a scoop of vanilla , with hazelnuts sprinkled on top . She 'd forgotten the man 's face . She 'd forgotten it a long time ago . Maybe she 'd never remembered it at all . But she remembered the look he 'd given her . The smile . The look of wonder as he stared down the river , into the bay . The grace with which he 'd climbed up onto the railing . Dr . Eloise Verde stepped closer to the cell , her fingernails sliding down the glass . The Being was almost impossible to see , nothing more than a shadow . " I can barely see it . But I think I can hear it . " " You don 't hear it , " Harvard told her . " It 's not an auditory sensation . Purely a mental one . But this isn 't what I wanted to show you . We 've found something better . " Mrs . Harvard was a tall , broad - shouldered woman . Her hair was cut short , and her posture was so impeccable that she looked almost uncanny when she took her long strides forward . Had she not become a physicist , it would have been easy to picture her as an athlete , perhaps a swimmer . Harvard kept moving at a brisk pace , barely giving Dr . Verde a chance to glance in the other rooms . Most of them were apparently unoccupied cells , glass boxes that showed no traces of having ever been touched , perfect cubes . Other cells were used to store equipment . It was difficult to be certain what precisely Verde was looking at when she only had a chance to spare a glance . They were deep underground . Deep , deep underground . Nothing came in without authorization . Nothing got out without authorization . Nothing so much as made a sound without authorization . Dr . Verde was a well - respected neuroscientist . It hadn 't been her first paper on hallucinations , but it was the first to look at such a granular level , how individual neurons within the human brain would light up for no reason whatsoever . Pure randomness . Brains make mistakes all the time , and they don 't have to have a cause . " Every day , people are deceived , " Harvard had said , only moments after Verde had entered the facility . " Every day , every second , an idea pops into somebody 's head , and there is no traceable origin . Not traceable with modern technology , of course . What caught my attention in your paper , Dr . Verde , was the search for an external event that caused these hallucinations . Ah ! But they are not hallucinations . By definition , a hallucination must not have an external cause . " " The cause can 't be internal , " Verde had told her . " I 've spent over a decade searching . That was why I looked towards radio waves , or x - rays . There must be something imperceptible that influences us . " Still , after exploring this place for over an hour and a half , she felt as though she couldn 't believe what she was seeing , if she was really seeing anything at all . Struggling to keep step with Mrs . Harvard , Verde kept glancing back and forth , back and forth , rubbing her left thumb over her right wrist like she always did when she was anxious . But she wasn 't anxious . Was she ? " They don 't like us very much , I 'm afraid , " Harvard said . " You can see how they move closer . They can 't see us . They have no eyes . But they can sense . And I 'm sure that they are frustrated , unable to touch us with their foul breath . " " We don 't know . But they 've been following us for generations , giving us little sparks of ideas , fractions of a thought , guiding us towards some greater purpose . Sometimes people listen . Sometimes people don 't . For all we know , they 've been pushing us down a path since the dawn of time , convincing the first men to use tools , convincing the monkeys to get down from the trees , convincing the ancient sea creatures to try walking on land … " Mrs . Harvard 's voice faded , as though she 'd been struck by nostalgia . Yet still , her pace down the hall was unwavering and strict . " The first step was to detect them , to bring them into a tangible form . The Beings are tricky , on a plane of existence that we hadn 't even considered before . But we tracked them down . Yes , we found them . " She was smug . " Once you know how something works , you know how it breaks . I 'm sure you can tell that these cells aren 't made of ordinary glass , and if you were to step inside , you would feel the vibrations of our security system , pulsating out a frequency that keeps them at bay . " With a click of the heels , Mrs . Harvard stopped walking and spun to the left , suddenly standing perfectly still . " This is what I wanted to show you . This is the greatest sample we 've ever captured . " The shadow had a shape . It had arms , legs , a head . It was like the shadow of a person , but it had a form , three dimensions . And it was only a few inches away , on the other side of the glass . " This Being is different somehow , " Harvard said boldly . " It was a trick to catch , I can tell you that . And , oh , what I would give to get it to speak again . " She shook her head , tightening her lips . " We had it in captivity for only a few hours before we heard it . All of us . Everybody in the facility , even the folks all the way upstairs . I know that ' speak ' isn 't the precise word . It spoke to us with thoughts , and the same words entered all of our minds . " Dr . Verde 's mouth had gone dry . " What were the words ? " Out of the corner of her eye , it was watching her intently , shimmering like ripples in a pond . " It means that they are here by choice , " Harvard answered . " Don 't you see ? These shapeless creatures … They whisper into our ears , giving us ideas , guiding us along . If they can communicate with us , even from within their cells … " Her eyes moved to the floor . " I 'll wager that these Beings could escape whenever they wanted to . " |
Have you ever been told that you think too much ? Lucky you if you have , but don 't worry if you haven 't , you can still read The Inkling . At The Inkling you can look forward to weekly installments of our serial " The Inklings " , weekly solutions to your problems by The Spark , finding out how one lucky person went at our monthly challenge and feature articles every two months On Monday it was Beth 's turn to spend the day at Ousman 's place . Her father left her at the front door on his way to work and when Beth nervously rang the doorbell Mamadou was the first to open it . Beth seemed shy . She struggled to explain to Mamadou who she was and what she was doing there . Fortunately Ousman was up and soon came to rescue Beth . He took her to the kitchen to make her a cup of peppermint tea . Binta had told Mamadou that she had a week of holiday and was going to be looking after Ousman while Mamadou started helping Rose and Festus with the renovations . When Mamadou was more settled into helping with the renovations Binta would go back to work and Mamadou would have to take Ousman with him for the rest of the school holidays . Binta thought this was only fair - it wasn 't as if Mamadou was being paid to help Rose and Festus . Besides , it was possible that Ousman might even be a bit helpful . But now the plan had changed and Binta couldn 't take a week off . Beth looked frightened when she heard about the change of plan . She 'd been imagining that she and Ousman would spend a lazy day doing puzzles and playing chess . She didn 't want to go to Rose 's place with Mamadou because she didn 't know Rose or Mamadou and had no idea what it would be like . Beth watched as Mamadou took a handful of fruit and nut mix from a glass jar and put them into his pocket . It comforted Mamadou to take a snack with him like that because it reminded him of when he was a boy and his Mum had put peanuts into his pocket before she sent him out to go shopping . Then Mamadou filled three water bottles and put them into a bag . " Let 's go " said Mamadou to Beth and Ousman and so Beth followed Ousman and Mamadou out the front door and up the street . The trio was about halfway to Rose 's house when a galah flew down and landed on the fence next to the footpath . Ousman stopped and looked at the galah , then smiled and said ' hello ' to it . Beth thought this was a bit strange but the galah seemed to think it was perfectly normal and it hopped onto Ousman 's shoulder . Mamadou remembered the fruit and nuts mix in his pocket so he took out some sunflower seeds and put them in Ousman 's hand . Ousman held his hand out like a plate for the galah and the galah ate the seeds thoughfully . While the galah was still eating , a man came out of his front gate . When he noticed the galah he walked over , told them his name was Stan , and said to the galah " Back again are you ? " . Then Stan told Ousman , Beth and Mamadou how the galah had turned up in his backyard a week ago . " I thought she was a pet who 'd escaped so I took her to the vet , but all the vet could tell me was that she was a female and because she has no microchip or leg - bands she could be wild . So I took her to the park and let her go . " Mamadou looked at Ousman , who was looking lovingly at the galah as it sat on his forearm . Mamadou could tell that it was going to be hard to separate the two . Beth seemed to like the galah too , but was a bit scared . " Will it bite me if I try to pat it ? " she asked Stan . Zikpi had been at Rose 's place for half an hour . She 'd been instructing Rose and Festus on how they had to try to ignore the film crew - to not look at the camera or microphone and to only acknowledge her when she had told them she was going to be in the shot . When Zikpi went out the front to help the film crew unpack the van she saw Mamadou and the kids ( and the galah ) approaching . Then Rose got two more cups out of the cupboard and Festus poured everyone a cup of tea while Rose explained the work plan for the day . They were going to start by demolishing the garage . It had corrugated iron walls and a tiled roof on a wooden frame . The iron and tiles were in pretty good condition but some of the wooden frame had started to rot . At Mamadou 's insistence they were to take care when they demolished it so as many materials as possible could be reused . By this time all the tea cups were empty so it was time to go outside and get started . " Did you get all that ? " Zikpi asked the film crew . She had started to think that this renovation would be the most interesting one she 'd filmed . " Ok . You kids can take these wrenches and start taking the sheets of metal off this wall - make sure you put gloves on first though " instructed Rose as she pointed to the garage wall that faced the house . Then Rose and Mamadou started moving the pieces of scaffolding that had been dropped off in the driveway by one of Festus ' friends . While this was happening Festus sat on a chair and watched . He thought it wasn 't really necessary to put up scaffolding just to remove the tiles from the garage roof , but Rose had insisted . She didn 't want any more injuries to happen during the renovation . Ousman thought he and Beth looked funny in their giant gloves as they struggled clumsily with the wrenches . At first they didn 't even know which way to turn the screws to loosen them but Festus was able to give them instructions . Soon they were moving quite quickly and began to have races to see who could undo a row of screws the fastest . Aminata made herself useful by picking up any screws that were dropped on the ground and putting them in a pile under Festus 's chair By firstinklings After returning from Fanta 's house D ' arby felt as if his brain capacity had grown , but he knew it was probably just that he no longer had to worry about where he was going to live . He suspected it would be more ' normal ' for him to be worrying about whether he would like to live with Fanta and her sisters and whether the household would still be harmonious after he and John moved in , but instead D ' arby was glad there was such a comfortable option . He wondered why anyone would choose to the cruel rental market if they had someone they could share with instead . After John left to open the restaurant D ' arby decided that instead of working on his thesis he 'd indulge in an afternoon of thinking about other stuff . He cleared the table and got out some scrap paper , pens and a couple of textas he 'd found lying around . D ' arby was busy drawing complicated diagrams of money flows when the phone rang . It was Fanta , inviting D ' arby and John to dinner the following night . D ' arby wrote a note to John about dinner at Fanta 's and stuck it on the fridge . Then D ' arby got back to thinking , and drawing , and more thinking . It was as if he 'd connected his brain to an invisible network - thoughts kept pouring into his head and he had trouble getting them onto paper at the same pace as they arrived . By the time it started to get dark D ' arby had covered all his scrap paper in notes and diagrams , but more importantly he had changed his mind about lots of things . D ' arby put down his pen and took a few deep breaths . He was feeling really tired suddenly but also scared that he 'd lose his notes again , so he gathered up all the pieces of paper , put them into his backpack and set out to uni to scan and copy them . When D ' arby got to his building at uni he thought it seemed darker than normal . He opened the front door using his swipe card and when he got inside he realized that all the lights were out except for the emergency lighting . D ' arby hoped that didn 't mean there had been a power cut because he really wanted to be able to use the photocopier . As D ' arby walked upstairs to the photocopy room he thought he heard a door opening and closing , which comforted him . He didn 't want to be the only person in the building . D ' arby opened the door to the photocopy room and was pleased to see that the photocopier had power . He got out his pages of notes and spent a bit of time getting them into order and making them into a nice square pile . Then D ' arby put the pile of notes into the automatic feeder , entered his pin number and instructed the photocopier to make a copy of them . The copier seemed to be taking much longer than usual to copy each page and D ' arby became impatient . He also realized his bladder was full . D ' arby didn 't want to leave his notes unprotected in the photocopy room while he went to the toilet , not just because he was scared someone might take his notes while he was away but because he didn 't want someone to wander in and see that he was using the photocopier for stuff that wasn 't directly related to his thesis , so D ' arby stayed where he was and tried to relax by taking long and slow breaths as he waited . By the time the copier had spat out copies of all the pages D ' arby was feeling much calmer , but still needed to go to the toilet . D ' arby gathered the pages together again , put them into the automatic feeder , instructed the photocopier to scan them and copy the file onto his USB drive then pressed ' Start ' . Scanning seemed to be taking a long time too . D ' arby looked at the photocopier screen and saw that scanning was only 10 % complete . D ' arby felt a little bit more secure now he had a copy of his notes in his hands and so he decided he would go to the toilet while the photocopier finished scanning the originals - taking the photocopies with him as a precaution . When D ' arby got back to the photocopy room the scanning had finished . D ' arby gathered up the originals and put them into his bag , along with the photocopies . He was about to walk out of the photocopy room when he remembered his USB drive . He went to unplug it from the photocopier but found that it wasn 't there . He looked down at the floor to see if it had fallen out but couldn 't see it . " I must have forgotten to plug the USB drive in " though D ' arby . So he got his notes out of his bag , put them back into the automatic feeder of the photocopier and looked in the front pocket of his bag for a USB drive . The one he found was black with a green stripe . As D ' arby plugged the USB drive into the photocopier he was thinking about the green stripe on the USB drive because he was fairly certain his USB drive had a red stripe . D ' arby watched as every page of his notes was scanned onto the USB drive , then carefully packed his notes and USB drive into his backpack and walked downstairs . As D ' arby left the building he scanned the park on his left and noticed a figure standing under a lamp post in the middle of the park . D ' arby knew his eyesight wasn 't good enough to make out much detail from that distance , especially when it was dark , but he couldn 't help thinking that it looked like Guitarman was standing there , smiling at him . D ' arby thought about going over to see if his was right , but it would mean walking in the wrong direction and D ' arby was scared of what it would mean if he was right . So instead D ' arby gave a faint smile in the direction of to the person who could have been Guitarman and turned away towards home . By firstinklings On Sunday afternoon Mamadou carefully cleaned the tools he 'd been using and put them back in the giant garden shed . The back door of the house was open and he could hear Binta and Rose talking in the kitchen . They were discussing details of the renovation plans . It was hard work to get things happening in the right order . Before Mamadou went inside he had a look at the garden . He had made good progress . The wall was gone and the pond had been dug . The stream was taking shape too . During the week Mamadou would have to help Rose and Festus with the house renovations but next weekend he 'd be able to get back to the garden and he 'd probably be able to finish the stream and waterfall . Then the fun would really start because he 'd be able to start planting . Mamadou made a mental note to remember to work out how the water pump for the waterfall would work , and then he went inside . He was feeling pretty tired by now and hoped Binta was ready to go home . Rose and Binta were sitting at the kitchen table and had just poured cups of tea from a large pot . Mamadou was too tired to think much about who Beth was . He wouldn 't have minded some tea but he was scared to sit down . He thought if he sat down he might not feel like getting up again . He needed to get home and have a shower before he fell asleep . " I might walk home . I need to have a shower " said Mamadou . Then he realized he was really hungry too and so he added " I 'll make something for dinner " . After a shower Mamadou felt re - energised and got to work in the kitchen . Half an hour later dinner was ready . He looked at the time . It was a little bit too early for dinner so Mamadou washed the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen benches . He was so hungry by then that he didn 't care if it was rude to eat before Binta and Ousman got home . He decided to take advantage of their absence by eating dinner in front of the TV and sat down on the sofa with the remote control in one hand and his dinner in the other . The usual channel Binta watched had lawn bowls on so Mamadou changed the channel . The next channel he looked at had a movie that looked interesting so he started watching , but pretty soon there was an ad break . Mamadou watched incredulously as a special cleaning substance that cleans dishwasher drain pipes was advertised . He shook his head and wondered who would be stupid enough to think they need the inside of drain pipes to be sparkling clean . Mamadou was disappointed by the stupidity of what he was watching . He thought of all the people in the world who longed for what he was enjoying right now - good health , good food , a comfortable home and time to relax . How disappointing to think that when the people who were lucky enough to have what most people wanted spent their time relaxing their brains were assaulted by claims that they needed to fix an unending series of imaginary problems before they could really be successful ( and happy ) . By firstinklings On Sunday morning Fanta and her sisters were having a late breakfast when the doorbell rang . It was Syafika . She burst in talking about how she didn 't know what to do about Anthony because he 'd told her to call him but wasn 't answering the phone . Fanta asked Syafika to sit down at the table and poured her some tea . " Let 's try now " said Fanta . Fanta dialed Anthony 's number and put the phone to Syafika 's ear . It rang a couple of times then a robotic voice announced that the number had been disconnected and that they should check the number and dial again . " I don 't understand ! " said Syafika . " He told me call him when I got home from the conference yesterday , so I did but there was no answer . There was no answer any time I called yesterday afternoon or evening . And now the number is disconnected ! How am I supposed to contact him now ? " This calmed Syafika down a bit . It was true . Anthony had disappeared from her life a couple of times before and she always ended up bumping into him again . " I don 't think rents will go down very soon " said Fanta . " But at the same time it seems ridiculous to have to spend so much money . That 's more than I pay for my mortgage . Why don 't you rent my spare rooms instead . You can have them for the same rent you pay now . " And so it was decided that John and D ' arby would stop looking for flats and when they had to move , they 'd move in with Fanta . Everyone felt happy with this decision , except Syafika . She felt left out , but she was still too absorbed with Anthony to sulk about it . D ' arby sighed and said " I don 't know why . Maybe I 've just never met anyone I wanted to have a romantic relationship with " . D ' arby didn 't like the incredulous looks he was getting and decided he wanted to leave . He looked at his watch then said " I need to go and work on my thesis now " . " I hope you get the job ! I think this application should get you the job . I think it is better than the one I did when I got my job " said Syafika . " I think someone from Human Resources goes through all the applications and removes any that aren 't complete . If there are still too many they probably have to pick out the ones they think best meet the selection criteria . Then they give the shortlisted ones to a panel and the panel interivews people and decides who is best . " said Syafika . " Not sure . Christine probably … and one other person from the team . They have to have someone from another team too - three people altogether , or at least there were three people on the panel when I applied . " By firstinklings When D ' arby got home he found a pile of papers sitting on the table . There were leaflets with descriptions of flats available in the area and some rental application forms . D ' arby looked at the leaflets and became alarmed by how high the rents were . Then he noticed that one of the rental application forms had been partially filled in . John 's handwriting was quite child - like and some words had capital letters in the middle of them . But what struck D ' arby the most was John 's birthdate - according to the form his birthday was 1st January , which would have been a week ago . D ' arby felt bad that he had never thought to ask when John 's birthday was and now he 'd missed celebrating it . Then he wondered why Fanta hadn 't done anything to celebrate John 's birthday either . D ' arby set his alarm for 1am because he wanted to discuss the effectiveness of his pills with John when John got home from work , but D ' arby needn 't have set the alarm . There was no way D ' arby was going to be able to sleep when there were important questions he needed answers to . D ' arby had almost made up his mind that his pills didn 't actually do anything , but because that was such a disappointing conclusion to make he kept going over the evidence again and again , hoping that he 'd missed something that would allow him to change the conclusion . Most of D ' arby 's thinking focused on when John and Andrew had taken the pills because both had changed behavior as soon as they took the pills . D ' arby had taken this instant change to be evidence that his pills worked but now that he knew that Andrew knew D ' arby had put pills in his coffee D ' arby needed to consider that maybe John and Andrew had only changed because they knew they were taking pills and so expected to change . What also distinguished the cases of John and Andrew was that they were both in stressful situations at the same time ( John thought he 'd been poisoned and Andrew thought his wife had run off to live with hippies ) . D ' arby realized that he wouldn 't have been accosted by John if John hadn 't been near rock - bottom and D ' arby wouldn 't have spiked Andrew 's coffee if he hadn 't felt Andrew needed it . So maybe it was the situation that made John and Andrew change , and not the pills . If he was able to temporarily accept that his pills didn 't work then D ' arby still had other questions to answer . Like why they didn 't work - was his initial idea wrong or was it the execution that was wrong ? Would the pills work if the production process was tweaked or had D ' arby misunderstood how they would affect the brain ? Was it worth doing more work on the pills , or was the risk of being caught too high , and the chance of success too low ? At 1am John was still walking home . D ' arby got out of bed when his alarm went off and went to watch the street from the living room window . As D ' arby waited for John he realized something that cheered him up - people can change without pills ! It was one of those revelations that seem enormous if they are had in the middle of the night or when you are tired . In the morning D ' arby would realise that his night - time realization was nothing new and that triggering change was probably just as hard as coming up with pills that make people change , but for now D ' arby was happy because he thought he 'd made real progress . It was only when D ' arby saw John coming down the street that D ' arby realized what this new information meant for John . It meant that John hadn 't been magically cured by pills . It meant that there was no permanent change in John - nothing to stop him from going back to his old ways . " I 'm fine " answered D ' arby . " I just wanted to say how sorry I am that we missed your birthday last week . I saw your birthdate on that application form on the table . " " Don 't worry about my birthday . I don 't like to celebrate getting older so I don 't tell anyone when my birthday is . Do you want to know about the flats I saw ? " asked John . " First I looked at a place that cost the same as this one , but there was such a long queue of people looking at it that I had to wait half an hour to get inside . While I was waiting one of the neighbours came out of their flat and told me not to move in to the building because the ceiling always leaks and everything goes mouldy . When I eventually got inside I looked up and saw that the living room ceiling was covered with black mould and there was water dripping in one corner . It didn 't seem to put other people off though and when everyone else took an application form I got scared and asked for one too . " " Sort of " said John . " The second place I looked at cost 30 % more than this one , and from the outside the block looked ok , but the Real Estate agent didn 't turn up . I know it wasn 't that I made a mistake about the time because there were about 10 other people waiting too . Afterwards I walked to the office to ask what had happened and they said the place had already been leased " " I was a nice place , but nothing special , really just similar to this one . One bedroom , quiet street , small block . And for double the rent we pay now . " " I do make more money than that every week , but there wouldn 't be much left over . We 'd go from ' comfortable ' to ' struggling ' I reckon " said John . " I took an application form though . The agent said to get it in by Monday lunchtime " . " I think we should talk to Fanta tomorrow " said D ' arby . " She might be able to tell us whether we should wait and look for something better or take what we can before rents go up even more . It will also give us an opportunity to joke about moving in with her " . By firstinklings On Saturday morning Mamadou woke when the birds did . Then he had to wait hours until it was a suitable hour to disturb Rose - now that Zikpi had filmed the ' before ' shots Mamadou was allowed to start working on the garden . He filled in the time it took for the sun to rise above the roof of the neighbouring house by drinking tea and drawing pictures of a waterfall and plants . Ousman and Binta weren 't going to come with Mamadou to help this time . They were busy doing mathematics . Mamadou was happy that Ousman was so clever and that Binta worked so hard to help him , but he also felt uneasy . How was he going to fit into their lives ? When Mamadou arrived at Rose 's house she and Festus were busy discussing the house plans . When Mamadou remarked that Rose looked much happier than she had the day before Rose explained that it was due to the magic of having a nice long sleep and waking up to find the house sparkling clean and tidy . Festus was struggling to move around the house on crutches , but he also seemed much happier . When Rose opened the door of the garden shed Mamadou was amazed to find that it was larger and better equipped than some of the houses he 'd lived in . There was a window , a sink and power points , a small fridge and an assortment of garden machinery and tools , bottles of fuel and oil , bags of different kinds of manure and potting mix . There was even a small table and chair . " Wow ! It 's good enough to live in - can I ? " said Mamadou . Rose and Festus laughed but Mamadou had only half been joking . He could see where you could hang a hammock from the ceiling and thought it would be great to be able to spend all night and day in the garden . " I don 't need plants yet . I need to do some digging and shaping of the ground first " said Mamadou . He unrolled the garden plan and showed Rose where the stream that took water from the house to the pond was going to go . He also showed her the water feature in the middle of the pond . " You will need tonnes of rocks for the water feature , won 't you ? I can organize a delivery . They can put them on pallets and unload them from the truck using a forklift " said Rose . The conference officially ended after lunch on Saturday but Syafika left at morning tea time . She was anxious to get home to see how her Mum and Dad were going . When she arrived at home she was relieved to hear laughing from inside the house . Rose and Festus were trying to make a nice lunch because they thought it was important that Mamadou had something nice to eat after all the digging he 'd been doing , but then Rose had burnt the curry and Festus had dropped the salad on the floor . Syafika was happy that her parents seemed happy , and now that she had one less thing to worry about she remembered that she was supposed to call Anthony . So after greeting her parents she took her bags to her room and picked up the phone . She realized that she was breathing too fast and took some long slow breaths to try to calm down . Then she carefully dialed Anthony 's number . It rang , and rang and rang . Nobody answered and there was no option to leave a message . Syafika was disappointed but then realized that perhaps Anthony hadn 't been expecting her to call that early . She decided to try again after lunch and went to the kitchen to see if she could help her parents rescue some of the food . There was only 30 minutes between the end of the talks for the day and the start of the conference dinner so Syafika rushed back to her room . She wanted to have a bath , or at least a shower , before the dinner and make sure she looked her best . When Syafika opened the door to her room she saw a folded piece of paper on the floor - someone had slid a note under the door . As soon as she saw the handwriting on the note she knew it was from Anthony . Syafika was disappointed but also a bit relieved . She carefully copied Anthony 's phone number into her address book before folding the note up and putting it in her wallet . Then she went and had a bath and worried about having to call Anthony when she got home . Thinking of home made her remember about Zikpi . She quickly finished her bath so she could call Rose before dinner . Syafika felt sad when she heard that and almost started to cry herself . How dare stupid Zikpi barge in and make Rose cry ! And how awful of India for making it all happen in the first place . But Syafika didn 't have time to say those things . It was time for her to go to the conference dinner . She asked Ousman to let Rose know she 'd called and that she 'd be home tomorrow afternoon , then said goodbye and walked to the conference hall . The hall had been set up nicely for dinner . There were long rows of tables set with white table cloths , cutlery , plates and sparkling glasses . There were candles burning and the overhead lights had been turned down low . Syafika was happy with the lighting . She knew that candle - light was flattering . Then she remembered that Anthony wasn 't going to be there and felt disappointed . All she could hope was that there was something nice to eat and that she didn 't have to sit next to someone annoying . |
I think its SUPER important to have a project when you lose a child . After my last post I was flooded with messages and love from so many people , and I just want you all to know how much it means to hear from you . I also was asked how I 'm healing through home decorating , and I realized that I should probably explain . When Juliet died I was an Esthetician . Some people can go back to their jobs after a great loss , but I just couldn 't . I didn 't want to see anyone , I didn 't want anyone to ask me how I was doing , and I didn 't want to have to look anyone in the eye because I knew I would burst into tears . Instead of going back to work I just laid in bed and cried . FOR MONTHS . In my mind moving into this house was going to be the answer to EVERYTHING . We moved in and it kept me busy painting , but my daughter was still gone , and I was more depressed than ever . I thought the house would solve a lot for me , but the realization that it hadn 't made me even more depressed than before . Here 's the thing - While I believe strongly in having a project , you can 't actually start to heal until you get your mind right . I learned that the hard way . By hard way I mean that I let myself get so low that one night I drank several glasses of wine , swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills , and ended up in the hospital . TALK ABOUT A WAKE UP CALL . Depression is a really scary thing . It can be deadly . It was for my daughter , and it almost was for me . But I had a family . While I was so depressed from my grief all I could think about was how they would be better off without me . I wasn 't fun anymore . I didn 't smile anymore . I didn 't get out of bed anymore . Who wants to be around someone like that ? All I wanted was to be with Juliet because I missed her soooo much . I realized while in the hospital what a huge toll my depression was taking on my family , and that I needed to figure it out or I would lose them . So I started taking an antidepressant that also helped with anxiety . I know that medication is not for everyone , but for me it changed my life . I was getting out of bed , showering , and even starting to smile for the first time in a really long time . Back to having a project . Like I said before in order to heal you must first get your mind right and in order to do that , you have to be able to get out of bed . So step 1 … check . I think it 's important to have a positive outlet . You have all these thoughts and feelings inside , and they can consume you like they did me . Its a scary place to be . By having a project you have a reason to get out of bed in the morning . You have something productive and positive to focus all that energy on . You also have something to concentrate on other than death , which isn 't exactly the best thing to focus on . For me , my positive outlet is designing and decorating my house . Its something I absolutely love to do . It brings me joy , happiness , and a sense of pride … It also gives me something to talk about other than losing my child . For my friend Dan who recently lost his daughter to suicide , it 's a boat . He got a run down boat for next to nothing , and him and his other children are working on it together . When it is all done they are going to name it Elaina , after his daughter . Both of Juliet 's grandmothers started purple flower gardens because purple was her favorite color . My point is - find something you love and do it . A house , a boat , a camper , a car , a garden … . WHATEVER ! In life you get back what you put into it . If you chose to lay in bed rather that helping yourself like I did then don 't expect life to get any better . Because it doesn 't . If you build , grow , create , or fix something then that positive energy will come back to you . Maybe not over night , but it will . Juliet was a bright light to all who knew her . She was just as beautiful inside as she was on the outside . When she walked into a room all eyes were on her . She was smart . No common sense at all , but she was very intelligent , and was set to graduate a year early . She always made people laugh . Whether she was making pterodactyl noises , crawling around like the grudge , dramatically falling everywhere , or just making jokes in general , she was the type of girl that everyone loved and wanted to be around . But she didn 't love herself . Juliet lost her dad to cancer . They didn 't have a very good relationship , and even though my mom and I encouraged her to make amends with him , she was very strong willed and refused to do so before his death . I don 't know if she had regrets , or how his death even effected her . She definitely wasn 't the type to open up about her feelings , but I do know that she had a huge heart , so it had to weigh on her . If I had to guess I 'd say it bothered her a lot . About a year after her dad died Juliet tried to commit suicide . I was at work when I got a phone call from Mike saying that Maddy , Juliets sister , had called him in a panic to tell him that Juliet posted a picture online of a bunch of pills saying that she was gonna end it all . I left immediately . I got home from work and ran to the house . Juliet was sitting at the table pale and confused . I started yelling at her to go pack a bag and I helped her up the stairs to get ready . I just stared at her in shock , a million questions going through my head . I grabbed her bag and Mike and I helped her to the car . I took her straight to the emergency room , and we slept there until they could find a bed in a psych unit for her to be transferred to . She stayed in the psych unit for about a week . It was the week of Mothers Day . Spending Mothers Day in a psych unit with your child isn 't exactly what any mother dreams of . I cried and begged her not to ever do it again . She promised me she wouldn 't . It was a promise she wouldn 't keep . It was bike week in Ocean City Maryland . Mike and I were on our way back , having taken a much needed weekend break . My mom had stayed at our house with Justice and Juliet . We got back , unpacked , and picked up some Chinese takeout . Juliet was grounded at the time and not allowed out of her room until she apologized . I 'm the type of mom who cant stay mad long . I love on my kids even when they are in trouble , and I like to keep the peace . Mike always told me that I gave in too soon and I needed to learn how to stick to my guns . Justice wanted to get Juliet for dinner , but Mike said " No " . I was trying really hard to " stick to my guns " , so I just kept quiet , even though I really wanted her to eat with us . We finished dinner and I put Juliet 's in the fridge in case she got hungry later . I put Justice to bed around 8 : 30 and went downstairs to watch TV with Mike . About 20 minutes had past when I got an alert on my phone that Juliet was on Twitter . Juliet wasn 't allowed on social media because of a bad choice she had made with it back in May . That bad choice was what lead to her attempting suicide the week of Mothers Day , and going on Twitter was the reason she was currently grounded . She wasn 't even supposed to have a phone , we had taken hers from her two weeks ago when we grounded her . Mike and I went upstairs to her room . I was so upset . I just wanted her to be happy , healthy , and make good choices , and most of all I wanted her to not be grounded anymore so I could spend time with her and hear her laugh . I busted through her door asked her where the phone was . She looked at me with a look in her eyes I had never seen before . Juliet had big , bright blue eyes , but when she looked at me they were black and empty , and her face was pale . It scared me . Later I asked Mike about it , and he said he saw the same thing . She told me she didn 't have a phone , and I yelled at her for lying to me . She handed me the phone and I told her I was gonna have her liscense suspended . What else could I do ? She was already grounded . I stomped downstairs heartbroken that she let me down , even more that she let herself down . The phone had a passcode and Mike and I sat there for a minute trying to figure it out . We were just about to give up and go ask her what it was when we heard a " POP " . There was an old TV in the hallway , and I thought maybe Juliet had kicked it , or that she was upstairs breaking things because she was mad . I sent Mike upstairs to see what was going on . I sat there for a minute not understanding what was going on . I dialed 911 and ran up the stairs . By the time I got to Juliet 's room I was talking to the 911 operator . I could smell gun powder and saw the gun on Juliet 's dresser . I handed the phone to Mike and ran to were Juliet was sitting on her bed . In my mind her and Mike were playing a joke on me . She was sitting up , leaning on her headboard , hands in her lap , and the gun was across the room . How could she have shot herself if the gun was across the room ? I held her hand . I didn 't see any blood . I heard a gurgling in her throat and she moaned . That 's when it hit me . The police got there first . They questioned Mike and I and ask if one of us had done it . I found out that the gun was on the dresser because Mike took it out of her hand so she wouldn 't shoot herself again . The EMT 's arrived and as they carried her down the stairs to the ambulance I saw it . The giant whole in my beautiful little girls temple . I 'll never get that picture out of my head for the rest of my life . I wasn 't allowed to ride with her in the ambulance , because the police had more questions . After about half an hour of questioning I began to panic . " I need to go to the hospital , my daughter is dying ! " The police kept telling me no but finally I told them I was going and I didn 't care what they said . One very nice officer offered to drive me . On the ride there I calmed down a little . The officer told me that his nephew had shot himself too . I asked him if he lived , he told me no , he didn 't . I asked if he thought my daughter would be ok , he told me I should probably prepare myself . I remember the finality of what he said , and how it made me realize that I was probably going to have to say goodbye . I got to the hospital and was met by my mom and her husband . They took me back to Juliet 's room where she was hooked up to a ventilator . Her head was bandaged , and her eye was swollen with blood . Every time she took a breath her teeth made a tapping sound on the ventilator tube in her mouth . The doctor came in . I asked him if she was going to be ok and he told me I needed to decide if I wanted to stop life support . The bullet went into her temple and out the other side . They gave her blood transfusions , but they couldn 't give her anymore and eventually her heart would just stop pumping . Mike was still at the house being questioned by the police when I called him . " I need you to come to the hospital now , I 'm going to pull the plug . " " What do you mean you 're going to pull the plug ? She 's not gonna be ok ? " he was crying , and I was still in shock . When something like this happens you just believe that everything is gonna be ok . You tell yourself it is , because reality is too hard to face . Your brain shuts down and you do everything on auto pilot , so having to understand that your child is gonna die is not exactly something your brain is ready to comprehend . Mike got to the hospital around the same time as Juliet 's paternal grandparents , stepmom , sister , and her sisters mom , and the 9 of us stood around her bed as the nurse cut off her life support . " how long does it usually take after cutting life support for someone to die ? " I asked the nurse " It varies from patient to patient but usually anywhere up to 2 hours . " Two hours is a long time to watch and wait for your child to die . Seven hours is even longer . That 's how long I was at the hospital waiting . Seven hours . It would be the longest seven hours of my life . The nurse said the reason it took so long was because she was strong and healthy and young . I thought maybe it was because she changed her mind . Mike said it was because she was a fighter . Juliet told me once that she had no friends . I would rattle off names of people and she would shake her head and tell me that no one ever wanted to hang out with her . The day of her funeral around seven hundred people showed up . People got up and told stories of how Juliet was there for them , how she stuck up for them against bullies , how she befriended them when no one else would . They told me how she changed their life and helped them to believe in themselves , and how she was someone they could always talk to and get advice from . We released purple balloons after her service , and they all went up in different ways and then came together in the shape of a heart . Her last " I love you " . I 'm glad that we all got to witness that because it let us know that wherever she is , she 's ok . This post contains affiliate links which means I may earn a small commission when something is purchased . For our full disclosure policy please click here . When we first found our house it was only a few months after my daughters death . I had my mind set on decorating the third bedroom for her . Yes you read that right , I was gonna design a bedroom for someone who would never get to see it . I was actually very excited about it . The thing about losing a child is that you literally LOSE YOUR MIND . Imagine a beautiful glass vase filled with water . The vase represents a parent and the water inside represents all the parents emotions , sanity , self worth , and reasoning . When you lose a child its like taking a sledge hammer to the glass vase . All the stuff that was nice and neat and tidy inside is flung in every different direction because the glass is shattered . As a mother I was broken in a million pieces , desperately trying to put myself back together . The rational part of me had splattered all over the place , along with any sort of reason . It 's been two and a half years , and I 'm still picking up the pieces . This is the only picture I have from before but you get the picture … . it was boring . White walls , beige carpet , and builders grade lighting . So I got to work ! First I painted … . here 's that exact same spot only with paint , and a picture I scored from Home Goods Next I applied these gold dots that I bought from amazon to the wall at random . I put them on opposite corners of the side walls . I love the way they turned out , randomly beautiful ! After I was finished painting and sticking my little dots to the wall I unpacked my new vanity that I pieced together from Ikea . I bought 2 sets of Alex drawers and a Linnmon table top . In case you are wondering " Why does she have a makeup vanity in her office ? " it 's because my full time job is as a freelance makeup artist , but that 's a whole other post in itself . Next I set up 2 Ikea Lack shelves on either side to put all my little nick nacks on . Last but not least I set up my lighted make up mirror that I bought off Etsy , and the mister hung a new light fixture for me that I bought at Home Goods for about $ 30 ! Here 's the final product , what do you think ? Mikes dream dog was a male blue pitbull . He literally talked about it ALL THE TIME . I also literally said " no " ALL THE TIME . We already had 2 dogs and 2 cats . I fed the dogs , took them out , fed the cats , cleaned their litter box , and the LAST thing I wanted was another animal to take care of ! He harassed me for years and every time it was a big fat " NO " . No way in hell . The summer that Juliet died she won Justice a big stuffed dog at the beach on one of those games where you shoot a water gun at a bulls - eye and race to the top . He hasn 't put the dog down since . He sleeps with it every night , takes it to friends houses , and it sits on the sofa with him when he watches TV . Around the one year mark of Juliet 's death I was on Facebook scrolling through my news feed when I saw a picture of the CUTEST puppy I have EVER seen . I immediately clicked on the picture to get a closer look . The puppy belonged to one of Juliet 's friends and his name was Mason . I began obsessing over Mason , checking Kaitlyn 's Facebook daily hoping to catch a glimpse of him . I woke Mike up one night to show him a picture she had just posted . " Isn 't he the cutest puppy ! ? ! " I asked him , to which he responded " Yes , but you said we cant get another dog " . Did I mention that Mason was a blue pitbull puppy ? What was wrong with me ? Why was I obsessing over this dog ? What was it about him that drew me in over and over . I don 't even want another dog . It was the week of Juliet 's 18th birthday . Mike was out of town on business , and I was bored out of my mind when my phone dinged with a message . I opened the message to find that it was from my friend Rebecca who helps run a group called Help Find Sophie . HFS is a local Facebook group that helps find missing dogs by sharing their picture on Facebook . They also foster and rehome dogs , and Rebecca and her family fostered one of my dogs for us when Juliet died . Rebecca messaged me and proceeded to tell me about a girl by the name of Kaitlyn 's whose boyfriend had broken up with her and kicked her and her dog out . Kaitlyn couldn 't keep the dog where she was staying and she had to surrender it to HFS . She was very upset , and Rebecca saw that we were mutual Facebook friends so could I please message Kaitlyn to reassure her that Mason was in good hands , and that HSF would find a good home for him . I SERIOUSLY could not believe what I was reading . I immediately called Rebecca . " I ' LL TAKE MASON ! " The words were out of my mouth before I could even process what I was saying . " Maybe you should talk it over with Mike first ? " Rebecca suggested . At least one of us was thinking straight . " Ok , your right , I 'll talk to Mike . " Rebecca thought it would be a good for us to take Mason because Kaitlyn knew who I was and that he would be in a good home . I just needed to convince Mike . No problem , right ? I text Mike a picture of Mason that said " isn 't this puppy so cute ? " to which his response was " Awww he 's adorable " to which I replied " Good because I 'm adopting him . " As soon as my finger hit send my phone rang . It was Mike . Haha . Based on all the things that happened the way they did I came to the conclusion that Mason was Juliet 's birthday gift to Justice . This was my argument when Mike called . I 'm pretty sure he thought I was crazy , but when I laid it all out for him he agreed to talk about it when he got home from his trip . That was as good as a " yes " to me . The rest as they say was history . He came into our lives and brought nothing but love and snuggles . He licks Justices tears away , makes me laugh when I 'm sad , and plays tug - o - war with Mike . He is a gentle giant , wrestling with Justice , playing endlessly with our yorkie , the cat even loves him . Whenever I am sad Mason always cheers me up . He licks , snuggles , smiles , and loves like no dog I have ever known . He has filled places in all of our hearts that were empty from grief . He became a best friend to my son , and a family member to us all . I can 't imagine our lives with out him , and I 'm positive that he was sent to us by Juliet . He came into a family that was broken and lost , and he made us whole again . I have never loved an animal as much as i love this dog . None of us have . Are you ready for Christmas ? Is anyone ever really done ? Every time I think I 'm done I find myself brake checking the car behind me and whipping it into some store for a last minute gift . NEVER FAILS . I LOVE , LOVE , LOVE , giving gifts . Juliet 's last Christmas I worked my butt off bar tending for extra present money . I picked up extra shifts whenever they were available , and I told all my bar guests that I was trying to make that Christmas the BEST EVER for my family . There had never been so many presents under the tree as there were that year . I 'm not sure why that Christmas was so important to me , or why I felt the need to make it the BEST EVER , but I just had a nagging feeling that I needed to make it special … make it unforgettable . That year was also Juliet 's first Christmas since her dad passed away , so I created a Facebook event called " A Christmas Card Shower for Juliet " . I invited all my friends and family and the idea behind it was to have everyone send Juliet a Christmas card to help ease the pain of not having her dad . Our local news station even interviewed us and we got to explain what we were doing ! Juliet got over 200 cards from across the United States and around the world . People we didn 't know and people we did know . People who had lost a parent and wrote her heartfelt messages of encouragement . An entire class wrote her as a school project and drew her pictures . It was absolutely AMAZING ! She ran home from the bus stop everyday to check the mail and we would sit down and read the cards together . I really miss that Christmas . Christmas is bittersweet when you 've lost a child . Juliet used to always wake my son up early Christmas morning and they would creep into our room at the crack of dawn with such excitement that you couldn 't help but be excited with them . I wake Justice up now . I try to get excited , and I sneak into his room and wake him up at the crack of dawn . Its not the same though . NOTHINGS THE SAME . I still love Christmas , but not like I used to . I smile and watch my son open his gifts . I help him put together his Lego set , or play his new video game with him , but when I 'm alone I cry . I wonder what I would have gotten her this year , or if she would have liked it . I wonder what college she would be home from and if she would have brought a boy home with her . Its only been 2 . 5 years since she died , so maybe it gets easier . I don 't know , but that 's what I 'm praying for . Did you lose a child ? Do you do anything special in their memory for Christmas ? If so I would love to hear about it ! The dining room is LITERALLY the only room of the house that is finished … but lets be SERIOUS , is any room ever REALLY done ? I painted , redid the floors , and changed out the lighting . Some day I would LOVE to add wainscoting and crown moulding , as well as get a pretty area rug , and a new dining table . The table we have now is just too wide , and you have to shimmy past it . Now I 'm not one to complain ( I love watching Mike do the shimmy ) , but its just not practical . LOOK at that WOOD ! Its everywhere ! It looks like a forest threw up in my dining room ! They even bought the matching curtains ! Just looking at it makes me shake my head . While this ensemble may work for some people , it DEFINATELY wasn 't working for me ! The wall to the right is a tan accent wall , you can read more about my love ( insert sarcasm ) for accent walls here . Goodbye accent wall ! One down 5 , 697 , 846 to go ! Next I changed out the lighting , because lets be honest , that builders grade light is NOT doing anything for the space ! I searched and searched , and I finally found the most amazing light … . The kind of light dreams are made of . You know in the movies when the heavens open up and the angels all sing in chorus ? When I found this light that 's what happened . The best part was that it was UNDER $ 100 ! ! ! It took about an hour to install and assemble . I love the way the light shines through the crystals . I get SOOOO many compliments on it , and when we first put it in I had to have it on at all times . Mike put it on a dimmer switch which I absolutely love ! This chandelier looks like a spent A TON of money on it ( but I didn 't ) . You can buy yours here . Lastly it was time to do the floors ( which is a whole other post in itself ) . After a long hard battle ( that included tears ) , we finally agreed on floors from PERGO . The color we chose was Riverbend Oak . I am obsessed with these floors ! They are a wide plank laminate that looks just like barn wood ! I love the look of grey floors , but its a trend , and just like all trends it wont look good forever . I love these floors because they are a warm color with grey veining . They are GORGEOUS ! Anyway I will go into all the details about it in a later post . Here is a pic of the final product . . You might also like . . . 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We are miles away from the stage we were at in Cale 's recovery , I 'd say even 6 months ago . So much has changed and is different . One thing that is constant is every day I love him more . How it happens ? I have no idea . I 'm able to look at him daily with new love , new devotion , and a new heart . The Lord is good , isn 't He ? I spent some time with a friend this afternoon that I haven 't seen in a couple years . She is a friend that I have always looked up to and respected . When I was younger , her and her two sisters were my role models ; they were the vision of godly women and still are ! I was able to sit and listen to her share about her and her fiancé 's story . Beautiful ! I loved listening and soaking up every detail . Not too long into to her sharing , a familiar feeling tugged at the corners of my heart ; an unwelcomed reminder that the sweet stuff she was sharing about her fiancé , I didn 't have anymore . I know many of you reading know exactly what I 'm describing . We as humans desire what we don 't have , or can 't have . A boyfriend , husband , baby , house , car , degree , money , and the list goes on . While Cale was deployed , this same feeling would show itself every time I would see a couple holding hands and being sweet with each other - I missed Cale and wanted to be able to hold his hand . After the accident , I would experience it again - other patients were making progress and oh how I wanted it for Cale as well ! Now of course like I 've shared about my whole baby ordeal , yep , then too ! While my friend shared today and told me about all the sweet little things about her adorable relationship , I was overjoyed for her and loved getting to hear it , but at the same time , I was reminded how Cale is unable to do sweet little things for me now . He has always been really great at special surprises to make me smile . Once while we were dating he knew that red Skittles were my favorite , so out of a huge bag , he picked all the red ones out and gave me just them . One Valentine 's Day he searched and searched for a box of all dark chocolate . He would leave me notes , and sometimes just a smiley face ; all of it was so perfect . Well , anyways , I fully enjoyed my time and when I walked in the door at home , Mama quickly shouted at me to close my eyes . She had stayed with Cale while I went to coffee , so I was a little nervous of why I needed to close my eyes . Did something break ? She grabbed my hand and led me to the dining room . I was then told to open my eyes . Standing there looking extremely handsome ; Cale was holding flowers for me ! Mama asked what he was going to tell me and the first thing he said was , " Happy Birthday ! " Mama said , " No , not birthday . What were you going to tell her ? " With some cueing he finally said , " Surprise ! I love you ! " Ok , so , I wasn 't really sad and all bummed out after my visit . I actually really did have a great time and loved every minute ! I did for a short time think about what I miss , and as always that can be hard , but those flowers … I needed them . The Lord knew . They were exactly what I needed . Mama said that they walked in the store and there were so many beautiful flowers . She asked Cale if he wanted to get me some and he of course said yes . She said he looked at all of them before choosing the ones he picked . : ) We 've had a great day ! Cale slept in so that gave me time to get some stuff done around the house . I 'm sure I could have been more productive on the cleaning part , but I took the " less is more " seriously this morning . ; ) Instead , I made some really super yummy homemade salsa ! Mmm ! A few more randoms , but I 'd have to say the salsa that I made and was able to enjoy with lunch was the best part … other than when I walked in the room a little later and Cale was just waking up . I ended up climbing back in bed with him and cuddled for a bit . I love moments like that ! We just smiled at each other and giggled at the blankets tickling our noses . Perfect . Tonight was PT . Last night my manly husband did 25 minutes on the elliptical , which was a HUGE deal ! He jumped ( well carefully climbed ! ) back on tonight and did 30 minutes ! ! ! He topped his best time just in one day ! Oh yeah ! " The LORD your God is with you , the Mighty Warrior who saves . He will take great delight in you ; in his love he will no longer rebuke you , but will rejoice over you with singing . " - Zephaniah 3 : 17 After opening my eyes yesterday morning , I checked my phone to see the time and also had a text waiting for me . It was from my friend Hannah , " I 'm so excited for today ! I feel like healing is on the air today for Caleb and he can just breathe it in ! That God will just be working on him today ; all through him ! Jesus already paid the price ! I kept getting goose bumps as I prayed for him ! " Is that not the message to wake up to or what ? ! I was pumped instantly and got out of bed with a little more bounce to my step . I had some good time with the Lord and one of the verses I read was 2 Corinthians 5 : 17 - This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person . The old life is gone ; a new life has begun ! Before I read the verse , I had read out of the devotional I 'm working my way through Jesus Calling . Part of it read : Do not fear change , for I am making you a new creation , with old things passing away and new things continually on the horizon . When you cling to old ways and sameness , you resist My work within you . I want you to embrace all that I am doing in your life , finding your security in Me alone . It all begins with me getting super pumped from the text . I was ready to take on the day ! Then , I read about not fearing change and not clinging to the " old ways and sameness " rather embrace the work that is being done right now . I 'm just about on the edge of the couch by this point . I 'm already praying as I 'm reading saying , " Yes ! Yes Lord . I want to let go of what 's behind and with full force embrace the new ! " Then I read 2 Corinthians and have gone from the edge of the couch to standing . The picture of Cale 's old life had been left in the car and then Jesus was there walking with His arm around Cale ; never leaving as Cale has battled his way through . He is a new creation . Even though this verse is talking very much about our spiritual condition , I felt a deep comfort from the words that Paul spoke , " The old life is gone ; a new life has begun " Jesus is the bridge that we have to the new . Cale is able to still have life - and new life and because of what has been done , Jesus is walking with Cale along the way with the Holy Spirit ! I 'm not sure that this is coming out the way that I mean for it to come out . Sorry if it doesn 't quite make sense ! When I started praying , I was crying while at the same time praying with such boldness for Cale and this " new life . " I started praying for more healing and miracles and the word " today " kept coming out over and over . " Today ! Today ! Today ! " My prayer and worship time lingered on as I went about with sweeping and mopping . I couldn 't get today out of my mind . When I went back and read Hannah 's text , I noticed that she also had said " today " a couple times . Maybe that 's where it was coming from , I 'm not sure , but I 'd have to say that God did some good work in Cale yesterday ! It may have not been all visible to the eye , but I 'm choosing to believe it happened ! Right before the RS showed up , I had mentioned to him that it was almost therapy . He had been relaxing on our bed with Basil while I was looking for some paper work . His response to me was , " I 'm feeling lazy . " Haha ! Don 't we ALL have those days ? ! When Robin did get there , I reminded Cale what he wanted to tell her and he did . It ended up being perfect because he had an eye appointment at 1 , so Robin wanted to make it a light session so that he wouldn 't be too worn out for vision therapy . They ended up playing Crazy 8 's the entire time ! She did say that they had some good talking time . : ) For his appointment , the doctor worked on a lot more testing to see if prism is a good choice and what prescription is going to be best . It 's quite the challenge trying to get it right for him because if he 's using his right eye , they want that to continue , but to get his left eye forced to not neglect , then he ends up not using the right eye . I might have this a bit mixed up ( this whole post seems to be all mixed up ! ) , but hopefully you get the point . ; ) His ophthalmologist is really amazing ! We are so blessed to still have it covered for now ! This is with his left eye patched and forcing his right eye to work . Most times now he has both eyes opened unless he 's tired or it 's a stressful situation . Well , so far at all three appointments , he won 't keep his right eye open ! She pulled out the good ol ' pirate patch . 1 ) I stopped at the store to pick up some groceries . He has gone with me the last few times and has been doing great ! His tolerance is definitely built up from even just a couple weeks ago . It helps so much being able to take him along instead of find time that someone is here with him and I can go quickly . The trips are still quick , but they always have had to be when he 's along ! 2 ) When we were at his appointment yesterday , it was the end and Cale had hit his point of no return . The doctor asked if he had any questions and rather than just say no , he said , " Yes , can I leave now ? " That was such a big deal ! ! When she said yes he could go , he walked over to the door and left . While we finished discussing the plan , he stayed right by the door waiting . Awesome . 3 ) Do you remember me telling you about how I don 't realize it gets so hot in the house and Cale will usually be dripping with sweat before I think to turn the air on ? Well , yesterday afternoon while he was playing cards with the RS he said , " Kathleen , I 'm hot . " I turned on the air and he gave me a thumbs up ! It 's a huge deal that he was able to express what he needed and remember my name all at the same time ! 4 ) Last night after he took his nighttime meds , he said he didn 't fill good . When I asked him what was up , he said , " There are too many different things in my stomach . " Wow ! He 's not normally able to describe whatever it is that is making him feel bad . He had just had two different glasses of stuff to drink , so I 'm sure that was right ! Again , it 's so HUGE for him to be able to express how he 's feeling or what his needs are ! Today for OT we went to the animal shelter . Cale went with his speech and OT last week , but I didn 't go with . I was set to go today though ! Cale walked a lab mix puppy named Brindy . We gave him the leash and took his cane . Even with all of her pulling , he was able to ( for the most part ! ) keep her with him AND keep his balance ! Once we were home , the OT even said that he walked almost double what he was able to do the last time ! After the walk , we took Brindy back inside and then walked around looking at all the other animals . Cale was tired afterwards , but he was able to keep going ! Tonight was PT and we weren 't quite sure what to do . I was racking my brain and Carley had also been thinking hard . It ended up being Cale who made the final decision . Cale jumped on the elliptical and I rode the bike . The goal tonight was 20 minutes which was 5 more than what he 's been able to do so far . Not only did he do 20 minutes , but he also did 5 more on top of that ! ! He did 25 minutes ! ! ! Of course , because he kept going meant I had to also ! Yikes ! He worked so hard ! We have the bike facing the mirrors so when Cale is on it he can see how he leans to the left . I kept watching his face and could tell he was really trying his hardest . He finally stopped and said he was done . 1 ) Cale 's appetite . Not only is it really hard to get him to eat anything healthy , he 's not eating hardly anything at all ! Even junk food ! Last night we had been given some good size homegrown tomatoes ( Oh so good ! ) and tonight we had grilled tomatoes with lemon and oregano . It was super tasty ! Cale had just the tomato and after that said he was full . I 'm still trying to figure out what this guy will eat ! ! It 's so off and on and inconsistent ! 2 ) For continued progress with the troubling cognitive stuff . It 's just tough stuff ! We 've been making some great gains … so exciting and I don 't want it to stop ! 3 ) New pathways ! We want his brain working and causing itself to find new pathways to relearn . What 's the best ways to get him to engage ? What are the things that are getting his brain stimulated ? What is it that gets the memory fired up ? 4 ) His physical strength would continue ! He 's so mobile and is able to do so much , but it seems he still has a lot up against him . 5 ) Endurance - right now everything he does still takes so much out of him . Just being around people and listening to talking wipes him out . 6 ) Awareness - it 's coming more and more every day ! This is really good , but along with the good comes several more twist and turns in the journey … 7 ) Memory ! Cale 's brain injury affected his long term and short term . Things from the past are scattered and confusing and his ability to make new memory has been a challenge . We 've seen progress in both ( PRAISE GOD ! ) and I know we haven 't seen the end of it ! 8 ) Cale would be able to have his own relationship with the Lord and not just through me . That God would grow him , strengthen him , and raise him up to me the godly man that he was created to be . Thank you for praying ! ! Every day I learn of someone else that has a blog ! I just really had no idea before this one was started what they even were ! ! Now I know that there are a lot of blogs out there that are probably full of a lot more exciting things then the day to day stuff of our life . Thank you so much for taking your time ( and I know we 're all busy ! ) to read about us ; to care enough to know what the details of our lives are . It 's a blessing . I don 't ever count it as a small thing when I hear that you read . It has honestly been such a vital chunk of encouragement every step through this . Thank you . Thank you so much . Just one more cool thing to add , do you see the picture above ? Cale helped me do it ! Totally ! In fact , he took the pictures , chose the edit colors , chose the words to say and even where to place them ! He did almost the entire thing ! ! ! That is pretty stinkin ' awesome if you ask me ! Just saying … This weekend has been spent with family . Yesterday we went to Kathy 's house and had a BBQ with yummy food and then all of us went swimming . His Aunt and cousin are here visiting , and his sister and niece and nephews joined us , so it was extra special ! Cale didn 't love the pool , but he was in for a short time and had a smile . We got him on the floatie where he looked quite comfy . This evening we joined in on a prayer time for a lady at our church . She 's about to head for China on Friday along with a group she hasn 't met yet . They 're going with Show Hope the organization put together by Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife Mary Beth . You can read more by clicking here . Now we 're in bed and ready for a new week ! I 'm excited for all that 's ahead ! I just know more good things are coming ! ! : ) To start off this lovely post , I 'm going to tell a rather gross story . Sorry . WARNING - skip ahead if you have a weak stomach . Thursday night we went to bad as usual drifting off into a night filled with dreams . Around 4am , I started to hear Basil move around a lot . Our room is always scorching hot at night so I figured he was just uncomfortable from the heat . I know I was . After about 30 minutes of Basil moving around , I hear a really terrible sound . Once my brain was able to connect the dots the sound was not just terrible - but terrifying . You see , it wasn 't the sound of my sweet dog urinating ( which would have been bad enough ) ; it was out a different side . Oh . My . Goodness . Yes , there in the dark of the night in a desert like bedroom , my dog poops . Not just a normal poop either . The next few minutes went something like you would see out of a sitcom . I was trying not to wake Cale up even more by turning on lights , but I had to get Basil outside and clean up the horrid pile of … uh … while my eyes and mental status didn 't seem to want to cooperate . Cale was being a huge help by letting me know every other minute that it still smelt really bad . In fact , the yelling continued as he covered his face in my pillow and his . When the mess was cleaned up and I climbed back in bed , he still had my pillow ; and made it clear that he desperately needed it . Its fair week and I love ( really LOVE ) going on all the rides ! I have been going back and forth on how to take Cale , whether I should take Cale , or if it was just a really bad idea still . After lots of thinking and back and forth on my end , Rachel suggested breaking up the days . We wanted to ride rides , but then the next day we could walk around and go to the Rodeo - perfect ! So , Thursday I went with Rachel , Sarah , Joe and Beth to tackle all the excitement each ride had to offer . We had a blast , but Rachel and Sarah both had to stop early because of their stomachs . I could have kept going , but to be honest , I really needed water . My head had started to not feel great and it wasn 't like we didn 't take water breaks . We 're just getting old ! Haha ! While I was at the fair screaming and laughing uncontrollably , Cale was at home working hard in PT . Mama said he did the elliptical and a whole bunch of arm / back exercises . I haven 't talked to Carley to hear all about it , but at least Mama had good news to report ! Yesterday we had such a good day together . The morning we took things slow because he didn 't have therapy until 2 . I had gotten up with Basil and then while Cale was still sleeping I watched part of a movie that was so awesome . I wasn 't able to finish it yet because Cale woke up , but I 'll share more about it later . So encouraging ! Once he was up we both got ready for the day and then hung out . We worked on some word finding and opposites , but it seemed a bit challenging for him which meant it didn 't take long for him to want to be done . We took a little break playing cards and then I grabbed a book that I had been given while we were in Palo Alto and worked with him . It 's for a toddler who is just starting to talk so I wasn 't sure how he would take it now , but I asked if he would just work with me for a bit and then we could play more cards and he did it very willingly . Some words took a lot to figure out , but for the most part he went through them very quickly ! The nice thing about the book is that all the words are single and spaced all over the page so it doesn 't strain his vision as much . Like I promised , after reading we played more cards . Cale had asked what game I wanted to play ( knowing that he wanted me to pick Crazy 8 's ) , I then suggested Go Fish and Cale said no . I said War and again he said no , but this time he added , " I 'm not three years old ! " We played Crazy 8 's . : ) I 'm not sure if I 've written about this lately or not , so I 'm just gonna say I haven 't . Lately I see little windows of Cale being even more aware , more alert , more … um … adult ? I had started seeing this when we were in NC still and he was having just little tiny windows of being more aware and awake at that time . I remember that slowly I was seeing those windows of time grow and grow and eventually in CA , those windows had become all the time . A man that I had met in CA and talked to just recently about this had also compared it to opening a curtain . It 's open a little and then will close and then open a little more until one day it 'll be open all the time . Exactly . I 've been seeing chunks of time that Cale is more with things ( still trying to figure out how to describe this to you … ) and then it 'll be gone . Those times are starting to get longer and though still very short , the times that he 's really there - in the moment - showing more of " himself " have been so deep and profound . It 's AMAZING ! For therapy yesterday we went to a Neuro Resource center in Richland just to check it out and see what they had to offer . The lady was talking about all the different books and resources they had specific to TBI . Not too long went by and I could feel Cale getting upset . When I asked him if he was ok he said , " No . I want to leave . " That was a point I knew we needed to quickly excuse ourselves , so I checked out a book and video and off we went . Once we were in the car ( the curtain was open ) I asked Cale if he was mad . He said he wasn 't mad , he was sad . Jamie then took over the conversation trying to pull as much out of Cale in the brief moment we were going to have with his awareness there . He said that it made him sad that he was in a hospital . Jamie asked what he wanted to be able to do again and Cale 's reply brought tears to my eyes . He said , " live . " She then talked to him about how we 're working for that . He responded in agreement that he is working so hard . The awareness he had that he was an adult that had been injured and that he was indeed working hard every day because work needed to be done was incredible . Have Joe be in a wheelchair too ! It worked perfectly ! Even at the house when I grabbed the wheelchair , Cale was asking why and saying no , but there were absolutely no issues once there with both of them in one ! Mike was the muscles for the night and did all the pushing . That was so nice with all the bumps and rocks all over ! Cale loved the animals ! He wanted to pet every one of them . He was also saying hello to each one and Mike said at one point a little boy told Cale that they don 't talk . I guess Cale quickly replied that he knew that ! ; ) After walking around for a while checking out all the animals it was time to eat . Cale at that point was done . He was hot , there was a lot of noise and it all just kind of hit him . So , he didn 't touch any of his food . Of course , when Vernon brought the elephant ear , he had to have some of that ! Haha ! The elephant ear brought enough change and distraction that we were able to keep him in the fun and headed to the rodeo ! Mike and Beth walked with us to the gate and Mike had been pushing him the whole way . When we got to the gate I took over and we said good byes . There was an edge to pavement that I had to get Cale over and at first was struggling so the Police Officer asked if I needed help . I quickly ( without thinking ) replied , " I 'm ok , I just have to use my guns … uh … um … muscles ! " It might not have been such an awkward moment if I would have just left it at guns and kept walking , but as soon as I said it and realized I was saying guns to the officer , I started to try to cover it up . Oh my ! I get myself in these situations way - too - often ! Haha ! And , yes , I was red - beat red . Shortly after the accident happened , I was looking at the date and knew that Cale was going to appreciate the date ! 02 - 10 - 2010 He 's a number guy and things like that he always gets a kick out of ! In fact , after we started dating he was fascinated by my birthday being 1 / 2 , we started dating 5 / 10 , and his birthday is 9 / 18 . Not only are they all half of each other , they are all 4 months apart from each other . When we married on 3 / 17 he said we messed everything up . Anyways , I knew the numbers in the date of the accident would be taken as something really neat . So far , the fascination hasn 't been there like I had pictured back in ICU . Last night we were talking about the accident and Cale asked when and where . These are two questions that he asks every time the accident is brought up because he doesn 't believe that it did happen . Well , when I talk him the date , he started laughing and said , " Oh wow ! " I typed it up really big so he could see all the numbers and then he started pointing to it and laughing . It was so fun and in a simple way it warmed my heart . Now it 's time for us to get on with all the fun of today ! Wait ! What kind of blog would I have if I didn 't include these two rock stars ? ! Today was a step ( a really close step ! ) to meeting one of our birthday goals ! His OT is so encouraging and positive with everything that we try with him . I 'm impressed with the way that she pushes him to get his brain to work . The first time she had taken him driving , she said we wanted his brain to start working , so we needed to put it in a position that it had to work . Well , weaning me out of the shower hasn 't been going so great because he does still need some help , but mostly because Cale gets scared . Well , my last conversation about the shower with her , she said try getting in with him and then right back out . Set up a reason of why I would need to leave and just see if he can do it . Even though I was a bit nervous , that 's exactly what I did this morning . I got in first and then helped him in , but then right away I said I needed to get out and just left him with direction of what he needed to do . This is HUGE ! ! ! HUGE ! It 's so exciting ! ! We 're still working to get him fully independent , but today was a very large step in that direction ! : ) After his shower I was telling him how proud I was of him and how great he did , his reply , " I hated it . It was dumb and boring . " Haha ! Oh man … Cale has discovered the stairs in our house over the last two weeks . Unlike the shower , the stairs are not a good thing . I 've caught him going down three times now on his own ! He doesn 't understand why it 's not a great idea and sees absolutely no problem in the slightest . It 's really not safe for him to do them all by himself . I thought about putting up a baby gate , but then I fear that he would just try to climb over because he 's tall enough . I 'm not sure how to solve this problem ! He 's just stretching me and possibly causing gray hair to come at an early age ! Yikes ! On another good note … he has been very helpful lately ! He 's offered a couple times in the last few days if I needed help or he just tries to do it himself . We 've slowly been working on him carrying a dish from each meal to the sink . This causes him to use his cane a little less and to balance more . It also helps me out ! : ) The other night , I had been busy in the kitchen with Mama while he was finishing up dinner . Without realizing at first , Cale had cleared all of his dishes ( on his own ! ! ) from the table ! I didn 't ask or say anything about it ! He also had to make several trips because he can only carry one dish at a time . Last night he took his cup into the kitchen after he was done with it . I had the dishwasher open so that I could load his cup and start it . Well , instead of just setting his cup on the counter or putting it in the sink , he tried to load it on his own ! It was glass and because of balance , coordination , and how the dishes were already fitted in the dishwasher , it almost broke , but that didn 't matter . It was so awesome that he was really trying to help ! Good stuff ! This afternoon was OT . We 're still working with him on driving . He has to really focus on scanning on his left side because that area seems to be what is forgotten . He 's doing amazing ! Every time we go he 's getting better and better ! Today the OT gave him an option after a while to keep going or be done and he chose to keep going . A little later she asked again and he said keep going . Finally on the third time after he worked so hard , he let us know he was done . That in itself is awesome because we 've all really been trying to work with Cale to let us know he 's done or needs a break rather than having a meltdown or explosion . It 's a new thing for him to have to relearn his limits . When we turned on our road , Teresa pulled over and had Cale drive down the street and pull into the driveway ! I know that felt so good for him ! The smile spread across his face could have lit up NYC ! Shortly after OT it was time for PT . We had an earlier session then we usually do . We had been trying to do swimming as much as possible , but Cale quickly needed to move on from that . Carley has been trying to mix it up again , but it 's hard finding things that are working for him . I asked Cale today if he had an idea for PT and he said to go for a walk . Starbucks is close by and we 've walked there before in therapy , so I suggested to go there again . At first he agreed , but it didn 't take too long before he decided he would rather walk to McDonalds . I was thinking the walk was going to be way too far , even though we live pretty close ( terrible in every way ! ) . His PT was up for the idea and Cale was up for the challenge so we went ! He was definitely tired by the time we made it to our destination and the walk back was a struggle , but he made it ! ! ! ! ! I 'm so proud of him because that was so far for him ! As you 've been reading , I 'm back into baby craving . It 's been something so strong on my heart and I 've spent a ton of time praying about it . Cale and I have had several conversations and well , I just want it so badly and yet at times it seems so far away . A few things have been pointed out to me while reading scripture and through the conversations with Cale at night . I know God 's timing is perfect and whether it 's waiting for another couple years or if it happens next month , it needs to be not just when I think it 's the perfect time . So , while at McDonalds , I was talking to Carley about all of it . She encouraged me that a baby could actually be a really great thing for Cale and help him to feel that purpose again and give him something to work for . We also talked about how much more that would put on me . After a long conversation about it , we left McDonalds and pass the parking lot on the grass area where we were crossing there was a tiny pair of pink shoes just sitting there ! I of course immediately was questioning the Lord … ! Cale stopped and was poking them with his cane . I was trying to figure out what he was doing but then he hooked the shoe with his cane and lifted it up , stuck it in his pocket and said , " I 'm keeping it . " He then went to pick up the second one . Carley asked if it was for his baby someday and he said , " Yep . For our baby someday . " This moment brought tears to my eyes ! I think if I wouldn 't have been so confused at first by what he was doing , I might have completely lost it right there in the parking lot . It was such a sweet thing for him to do . We gave Basil a much needed bath tonight . I 've been talking about doing it for weeks and still haven 't taken the time to actually do it . Cale and I went outside to sit for a bit and decided it was a good time . I had Cale help hold the leash and then the hose . We got a little wet , but for the most part I think it was a success ! Side notes … I am not a fan of the air conditioner . Sometimes it gets so hot that for a period of time it is needed , but for the most part I don 't love it . One of the bummers about summer is that every building you go into has the temperature cold enough for penguins to survive . I have sweaters with me in restaurants or I freeze ! At home Mama always says that I 'm making her melt because I just don 't realize that it 's hot . Today Cale was sitting at the table and when I walked over to him , he had sweat dripping down his forehead ! I took that as the clue to turn the air on ! The sad part is that it 's not the first time that I 've made my pour husband sweat before noticing it was hot in the house ! Uh … Oops ! Cale 's PT heard on the radio that Adam Sandler and Owen Wilson are here in town filming a movie ! ! ! Here of all places … crazy . They were at the fair today , but I couldn 't get over there with Cale . I 'm going to be on the hunt and if I just so happen to see them … there will be pictures ! I repeat - there will be pictures ! Posted by " I love the LORD , for he heard my voice ; he heard my cry for mercy . Because he turned his ear to me , I will call on him as long as I live . " - Psalm 116 : 1 - 2 We attempted half of a shower yesterday where I had stepped out and let him finish up . I kept peeking in to make sure he was ok and my ears were perked up waiting to hear him slip so that I could somehow manage to slide in and save his fall . It 's so hard not to worry about him falling ! He 's doing really well with trying to walk without his cane ; in fact , I 'm quite impressed with how hard he 's working at it . He still loses his balance and needs help sometimes , but he 's really trying . He also gets tired even quicker than when he 's using it , but his endurance is still building even with the cane . It was so easy to push him while confined in hospital walls , because IF something happened , help was always right there . My nerves are rattled whenever he 's walking on his own ; the fear of a fall is so very close . It 's no surprise that him being behind the driver 's seat is a bit … um … crazy ! I still can 't believe he 's driving ! He skipped the step of a driving simulator and got right behind the wheel . My heart races and we 're only in the parking lot ! I 'm not sure that he 'll ever be able to drive on the actual road ( although I 'm not holding back from believing it could happen ! ! ) , BUT once again , the thought brings me to a moment of an anxiety attack . Yikes … yep , my stomach just did a flop . I don 't mean to sound like a worry wart , an over - protective wife , or an unthankful daughter of Christ … I am just being reminded that whether I 'm there or not - God is . I 'm having to surrender my fears , which all boil to the road aleady traveled with almost losing Cale , and knowing that it 's not me in control of every situation - it 's the Lord . Has anyone else experienced anything like this ? ! I know I 'm not the only one out there ! Haha ! Tonight I 'm praising God for the mighty work that he is doing in Cale . It 's nerve - racking , but oh so exciting ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I 'm going to continue to push him while my knees continue to have marks from the floor . : ) Many , LORD my God , are the wonders you have done , the things you planned for us . None can compare with you ; were I to speak and tell of your deeds , they would be too many to declare . Psalm 40 : 5 I had met a woman while in Palo Alto whose daughter had TBI . It wasn 't as severe as Cale 's brain injury and the daughter was much younger which helped as far as healing . She had to go through the hospital and relearning everything just as my husband has . Last winter , the woman had talked with me about how it 's easy to love them ( our brain injured family member ) when they love us back and when their attitudes are easy to deal with . It 's when they get angry and they fight us that the real challenge begins . She then proceeded to encourage me for when that time came . At that point , I can honestly say that where Cale was at and how joyful he constantly was , that I didn 't think I would have to deal with any of that . It was just hard to imagine . As all of you have read , I 've had to deal with it . I 've had to listen to him tell me that I 'm mean and he doesn 't love me . I 've had to hear him tell me he doesn 't want to be married to me anymore . Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine , according to his power that is at work within us , to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations , for ever and ever ! Amen . - Ephesians 3 : 20 - 21 Yes , it has been one of those days . Not all of it , but there have been times today that I can 100 % know without a single doubt that it was because of Jesus that I handled a conversation with Cale like I did . There 's just no other explanation that fits - at all . I 've also had some thinking time today and couldn 't help but think about the accident and ( once again ) how everything was so quickly changed . What is it that I truly miss ? What is it that causes my heart to weep even when there are no tears that ride the trail down my cheeks ? What do I miss that I can 't have anymore ? What 's so different ? A list that has to do with what I don 't have anymore . It was a list of things that I miss because it 's what I received from our marriage ; from life . Cale can 't help me physically like he used to . He can 't love me intimately like he once was able . He can 't be solid for my emotions like he has always been . He can 't provide for me the way I counted on . He can 't ease the mental stress of important decisions or financial choices like I counted on him for . He can 't lead me spiritually like I had felt so blessed to have before . But he said to me , " My grace is sufficient for you , for my power is made perfect in weakness . " Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses , so that Christ 's power may rest on me . - 2 Corinthians 12 : 9 Cale was trialed at home for 30 minutes by himself ! The UPS guy came and delivered a package and Cale didn 't open the door ! ! When I asked him about his time at home alone he said , " It was boring . I needed you . " Before the accident we loved watching Family Feud together . In the beginning of the show , we would both find something to slap ( not each other ! ) and try to be the first to call out an answer to whatever the question was and then we 'd play along to the show , both trying to guess top answers . We never had cable while married , so this fun usually happened if we were visiting someone that had cable , on a trip and staying in a hotel , or right before the accident while staying at our friend 's house . In Palo Alto we played it a few times in group therapy and also had fun with it . Tonight we laid in bed and watched two ( what is it called ? Shows ? ) shows of it . Cale came up with some pretty funny answers . One of the questions was , " What do angry women throw at their husbands ? " Cale 's two guesses were , " gloves " and " balloons " apparently he envisioned me throwing soft stuff ! : ) We started watching Jurassic Park after that , but the TV we had already watched was already on the too much side for Cale ! I would have kept watching it while he fell asleep , but that is one of the movies that scare me . I just can 't watch it by myself ! Thank you for letting me share my heart with you tonight . I needed it . 1 ) I love my husband . More and more every day I 'm learning of how God loves Cale way more than I could ever love him ; more than I can fathom . To know that there is a love like that for my husband brings comfort on so many levels . 2 ) Cale and I went to a beautiful wedding on Saturday . At one point I looked at Cale and said , " This is the same church that we were married in . " Cale said , " Really ? " I replied to this … " yep ! Twice ! " I suggested we do it again since we like weddings so much . ; ) Just kidding ! 3 ) Last night we laid on our bed cuddling and had a good time talking . Cale isn 't so great with conversations , but last night I would say we really had a good one ! I 'm starting to see this more and more … bits by bits . 5 ) I miss the hospital . Is that totally weird ? I miss the simpleness of it . Yes , it was a hard time in our life and had moments of loneliness , but it was simple . I was with Cale and that was life . Every day was so focused on his progress . I love being home ( don 't get me wrong ! ) but , with home comes taking care of the house , business of life , bills , back to real life responsibility that wasn 't there during the hospital . Again , ( just in case you think I need to be admitted to a crazy house ) I DO LOVE BEING HOME ! 6 ) Everywhere in my house that is too high to reach - never gets dusted . 7 ) I don 't like driving . I never have , Cale has always been the one to drive me places . I look forward to the day that he gets to drive outside of the parking lot . . . or do I ? Not totally sure yet . 10 ) I adore my babies that I 'm going to have one day . I haven 't met them yet , I have no idea when I will , but I 'm already crazy about them ! Lately I can 't stop thinking about my tummy growing … one day ! 11 ) We were sitting in church today and we had just started to dig into scripture . For the first time , Cale grabbed a Bible from the pew and opened it ; searching for the correct page . He ended up finding the right area and then his mom helped him find the right verses . Too many letters and words though , so he put it away . It was incredible to watch him though ! Praise God ! 12 ) I never want to get to a point in my life where suddenly I can 't be me and I pretend to be someone else ; someone that people would rather I be . I wouldn 't last … the real me comes out all too quickly . That 's the way it should be ! The real me ! 13 ) When we 've been going to Cale 's doctor 's appointments lately we start out with each of us reading a magazine . Cale flips through and looks at all the pictures and when he 's done , we play cards . Whenever he sees a woman with a low cut shirt or a swim suit on , he covers his eyes and flips the page . : ) 14 ) I constantly have to remind myself that this life is not about me . It 's not about my feelings , my wants , my desires , and my needs . What is so fascinating to me is that even though that 's not what it 's about , God cares . I really believe he does . Cale did awesome . This time Teresa brought along cones and had Cale weave around them . She first put them pretty close together and made it tight , but Cale still did super great ! The whole time he 's driving he keeps a big smile ! Our friend Zita came to watch which made it extra fun to share the moment with her . She pulled her white van over and was able to get a front seat view to a miracle in motion . Later this afternoon Cale had another vision appointment . The doctor today looked at the health of Cale 's eyes and whether prescription was going to help at all . It was another successful appointment ! I received a text today from Nikki my sister - in - law that said while she had been reading her Bible this morning ; she felt the Lord had laid a verse on her heart for Cale . I wanted to share because I think it 's so good ! But for you who fear my name , the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings . And you will go free , leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture . - Malachi 4 : 2 It was an awesome day . Cale had an ophthalmology appointment and he did great ! He worked so hard to do everything the doctor asked , tolerated conversation being spoken about him , and kept a really good attitude the entire time . Everything she usually would have done today would have been in one session , but for Cale we 're breaking it up into 3 . She did several tests and asked a ton of questions . Hopefully this is going to help a ton with Cale 's gait when he walks , his confidence , concentration , and so much more . His vision effects so much that I wouldn 't just automatically think of . The doctor is amazing . I was over the top impressed with how well she worked with Cale and all of her knowledge dealing with TBI . Crazy excited about this ! While we were sitting in the office waiting for the doctor , Cale was starting to get bored . He pulled the face thing over and started playing with it ! I had to snap a quick picture before letting him know I didn 't think playing with such an expensive piece of equipment was a very good idea ! We have been on the go ! I think I 'm really feeling it because of today , and at this moment I can hardly remember yesterday ! Haha . . . oh dear sleep is calling my name ! Let me think . . . Oh yes ! Yesterday I had a couple phone appointments . One of them was a conference call with all of his therapists . It 's so different from the days where I dreaded and was always nervous about these meetings . Now , they 're all full of excitement ! Some really good news that I received was that we were accepted to continue this program until November 11 ! This is HUGE ! ! ! ! His therapy program was supposed to end on the 24th this next week , but now we 'll have it for a few more months . Yay ! I 'm super excited , but I can 't say Cale feels the same way . ; ) The other phone appointment was Cale 's doc . We had been discussing the possibility of weaning Cale off the seizure meds , but after consulting with the neurologist , it looks like we 're going to have to wait for about a 1 . 5 years . I did request to have his med option looked at . Right now he 's on two different seizure meds and takes 5 very large pills twice a day and 3 of those pills in the afternoon as well . That 's not including his anti - depressant . Within the next couple months we 'll be heading back to Seattle to meet with the neurologist and get everything figured out ! I was also VERY spoiled with a pedicure yesterday . September invited me to join her and treated me to what I have to say was the best pedicure I 've ever had ! ! It included some really good massage , hot stones , mud mask , and then the normal stuff on top . It was so nice and great to get some girly time in too ! : ) The day was finished with PT . We have been wanting to try mini golf with Cale all summer and it just hasn 't happened . We finally gave it a shot and it started out good , but didn 't take long to go downhill . Cale needs success and trying to mini golf didn 't offer that so easily . Although , to brag a little , he actually made a hole in one on the last hole we played ! ! It was so cool ! Then , the last hole ( 19th ) they have it set up that if you make a hole in one then you get a free game . . . and he did ! I think we had made it to the 7th hole before he was done and wanted to leave , so we just skipped ahead to the end . I 'm glad we gave it a try and hopefully next time will be better ! Today started out really relaxing . Basil woke me up at 6am and then I started the day with house stuff and watering the flowers ( I love all my flowers ! ) outside . After waking myself up with the " chores " I spent some time with the Lord . This morning I listened to a sermon that was done last year at our church in NY . I was so encouraged and challenged by the end of it . God 's word is so powerful and when you put a group of people together that are living it . . . whoa . It 's so awesome to see what 's being done through an extremeley amazing body of believers there . I can 't wait until Cale and I can get back to visit ! I was planning on soon , but after looking at tickets , well , ouch ! We 'll get it figured out and back there soon ( hopefully ! ) . Around 9 : 30am , I crawled back into bed with my sleepy husband . I had heard him up a little before that , but when I walked in the room , he was out ! I love getting to cuddle and hold each other , so I let myself take extra time this morning . Everything felt handled for the rest of the house and the only therapy was this evening . I ended up falling back asleep until 11am ! ! ! ! Cale was still snoozing right along with me ! I couldn 't believe it . The ONLY reason I even woke up was from a phone call . Around 8 : 30 I had called the doctor and left a message about needing to bring Cale in . Well , the nurse called back and when I explained the situation , she said , " can you be here in 15 minutes ? " Uh . . . Oh my ! The two of us had bed head and stinky breath , but I quickly jumped out of bed and told Cale we had to go ! We brushed teeth and smoothed hair and out we went . That was the start to a day of on the go ! The rest of the day I was in and out of the house so much . Most times I was out longer than in . It wasn 't a bad day , just draining . One of the errands was a trip to the grocery store . It was completely different today than it has ever been . A couple times I had to step back and process how great Cale was doing ! It started with him being very willing to go with me . That was already a surprise and I knew that he must not remember what he was getting himself into . Next was him being excited to push the cart . . . interesting . THEN , he proceeded to pick things out that he wanted ( all junk ) , try to name some fruit ( wasn 't able to get any right , but he tried ! ) , keep a good attitude and didn 't once complain of being tired or bored . At the point that we were heading to check out , I was thinking about how I couldn 't believe what a good trip it was , but then , but then it happened - after that long trip around the store , Cale took control . See , I 'm a recipe junkie . I don 't ever get to make all the recipes I want to because Cale won 't eat them and sometimes to a point making two meals all the time is a waste . I can 't help myself when I 'm in the checkout line and there are all of these magazines that are packed full of really super yummy recipes that are waiting for me to make and eat . So , we get up there and my first reaction is to start looking through one . As soon as the lady in front of us moved up , Cale moved from around the front of the cart to the side where I was standing and asked me to move ! He then grabbed one thing after the other and placed it on the belt to be sent to the cashier . Incredible ! I thought someone was going to have to shovel up my jaw that was stuck to the floor at that point . He also has an infected ingrown toe nail that will have to be taken care of - poor guy ! We 've been watching his toe not sure of what it was , but it has just gotten worse . Even though he hates going to the doctor , I knew I needed to . It ended up eating away half our day , but it was so worth going . Now we can get him healed up ! He had PT again tonight , but this time we stayed inside and worked on the elliptical , bike , and some stretch bands . I thought because of the long day and how he was acting that it was going to be a really light session and short , but he ended up working SO hard ! He impressed me by far ! Now he 's next to me sleeping : ) He said to me earlier today that he was crazy in love with me . . . don 't women just need to hear that from their husbands ? I know I needed it today ! He couldn 't remember my name just a short time before that , but none of that matters and goes out the window when he follows it with statements like that ! Posted by Yesterday Cale was at the table eating breakfast and I was in the other room . He called for me and when I came to the table he said , " I choked . " I responded with a stream of questions , " are you ok ? " " You 're choking ? " " Can you breathe ? " To which he responded , " Choked . That 's in the past . " Saturday night we were lying in bed and heard sirens . As we always try to do , we prayed for everyone involved . It was quiet for a minute or two and then Cale broke the silence with , " I 'm sad . " When I asked why he was sad , he said , " Someone 's hurt . " Last night as we were getting settled for bed , once again the discussion of having a baby came up . I don 't remember exactly how the conversation played out , but at one point Cale said that he knew why we couldn 't have one right now . I asked what he meant and he said because he couldn 't take care of a baby . At that point I turned and faced and asked again what he way saying . This simple conversation became a big moment when Cale replied , " I 'm hurt . " My heart broke and was overjoyed at the same time . He said he was hurt ! This is the first time that he has on his own recognized that he is hurt ! I responded to him by saying , " I think even though you 're hurt that you 're going to make a really great daddy ( whenever it 's time ) . " He of course agreed ! Cale came back about 11 : 15 last night with a huge smile spread across his face . He had a blast at the races ! Before he left , I had told him that I was going to expect a really big fat kiss when he came home . He immediately replied , " Like this ? " and then proceeded to give me a very big sweet kiss . I told him that 's exactly what I was wanting . Well , after he was home and inside , I motioned for him to come to me and with a grin he said , " Oh yeah ! I like this ! " and then came to me giving me my big fat kiss ! He remembered ! ! ! ! It was so exciting because I hadn 't said anything more about it ! Not to mention I enjoyed it ! ; ) I liked him being wound up because we were able to have some awesome discussions . I really can 't describe all the changes that have been taking place other than its incredible . It 's amazing ; simply amazing . He 's been talking and putting his thoughts into words so much the last week . It blesses my heart listening to him and being able to talk with him . Last night was , I would say the closest to feeling like pre - accident that we 've had yet . We were yet again talking about having a baby and what that would look like . I talked with him about how I might get really sick at first and then he 'd have to take care of me if I was throwing up . He said , " I 'm not sure I 'm ready to do that . I 'm not ready to have you throw up on me . " Haha ! I did say that I would try my hardest not to throw up on him … : ) We also laughed and he asked questions . It felt so good ! Man . It 's just so crazy . I wish I could somehow capture all these moments on video so that you could see and be a part of it . I guess that just means ya 'll are going to have to come hang out with us ! After church today , we had lunch with Theresa are old AW2 and her boyfriend . They 're heading to England soon , so this was goodbye . I honestly had to hold back tears ! I have grown to love and really respect her . It 's going to be sad when we have to make our trips to Seattle and won 't be able to call and meet up with her for lunch or just coffee . I 'm really excited for her though and I know she has a super great opportunity ahead . Not too long after that , we went to Cale 's moms house and had Mike and Rachel over to swim ! They came to town for the weekend and even though this morning started out cold , it ended up being perfect for swimming ! We also met up with Joe and Beth after and had some evening fun with all of us . It was so great to spend time with all of them ! With summer so busy , we haven 't gotten to see much of their faces … had so much fun ! Now we 're tired . You 've all read how I love how God has taken something ( the accident ) so ugly and sad , and turned it into something so beautiful . This thought constantly makes me smile and blows my socks off . Today a song was shared with me that was exactly about that very thing … awesome . I totally love it ! I had a glorious time of worship while doing my devotions . After I wrapped it up and started cleaning up stuff , I kept the music going on my ipod . For some reason it was just extra powerful ! I didn 't even want to wake Cale up because that meant I 'd have to take the headphones off . It 's so hard not to get frustrated with him and react in an annoyed manner when we have the very same struggles / conversations over and over . Of course , for him it 's the first time … I really have to catch myself and work on my attitude in these situations . I know that I can 't be perfect all the time , but it 's not about me being able to hold everything together ; it 's about loving Cale and putting myself in a place that I can look at him and love him through God 's eyes ; the way that God loves him . It 's hard for me to understand and put myself in his shoes because I remember a conversation from an hour ago . I remember that we have things on the schedule ( I sometimes mess the times up … ) . I remember if I had eaten that day or if I had talked to someone . He forgets it all . When I did wake him up , his first words were , " the day is ruined . " Haha ! I prayed with him and even though he wasn 't super excited , we managed to get him ready for the day . He was suddenly very unimpressed about going to swim class . He said it was dumb and he didn 't know those people . While there , I thought we were going to have a couple explosions , but he made it through the whole class . I 'm not sure what Monday we 'll bring … ! After class , the rest of the day was much smoother . We actually had a great day together . He had a speech session that I sat in on . Here is some of what he worked on … He did so good being able to name things ! There were some that I didn 't write down that he wasn 't able to get . Most of them he at least gave some kind of guess ! Right after speech , Cale was super tired . He went to the room to take a nap and a special visitor stopped by . She 's one of my friends from all the way back in 5th grade and she now has 2 sweet kiddos . The youngest is 5 months . She didn 't want to be out of her Mama 's arms , but she did let me feed her … and I loved it . Major . It felt so right , so natural , so woooonderful ! Last night I went to the women 's craft night that a bunch of ladies at church put on . I had a project that I don 't have much time for and enjoyed so much getting to hang out with all of them ! It was full of heart sharing , laughter , and crafts ! : ) I ended up staying way longer than I had planned and only left when I did because I had received a text at 11 : 30 from Emily that Cale was still awake because he was waiting for me to get home ! By the time I did get home , the light was on and he had fallen asleep fully dressed and in a very weird position . I will never get tired of crawling in bed next to him and cuddling up to drift away to dreams . It 's a true treasure that I get to do that with him for the rest of our lives . I love him so much . Today he had psych and we went to the Humane Society . We 've wanted to go and see about volunteer information . After today I think we 'll just have to go a lot and build his tolerance and endurance . We left because he was tired and shortly after we were home , he said , " bed . " I decided since we didn 't have anything else on the agenda to cuddle up next to him , and of course Basil had to join us ! I found myself at 3pm today next to my sleeping Boy and Basil . : ) It was so sweet and one of those picture perfect moments . This evening Cale left to have guy time and went to watch some car races . He was really excited when he woke up and I told him where he was going and with who . He even asked if his hair looked ok ! I gave him the camera to take lots of pictures . I said , " You can 't lose it ok ? " and his reply was , " I try really hard not to . " Awww ! Haha ! I just love him and love that he 's talking so much more ! So … that was a no go . I 've been working on details for Cale 's birthday party coming up . I 've been sharing things with him even though I know he doesn 't care what bowls I use or what the spoons look like , but I love so much getting to share it all with him . He 's being really sweet about it too . I 'm excited ! Posted by This morning Basil woke me up at 5 : 15am to go outside . Cale had no therapy today , so I had already told him I was going to let him sleep in . Well , after letting Basil outside , I decided to head back to bed myself ! I ended up sleeping until about 8 and Cale stayed in bed for another hour after that . It was so nice to take the day slow . After we were up and going we took a trip to Aqua Tropics ; a pet store close by . I used to go there when I was a little girl with my dad and while Cale and I were dating we would go in and just walk around . I haven 't been in in several years and while out driving yesterday I saw the sign and thought Cale would probably love going ! Emily has been staying with us and decided to come along . We saw all kind of animals / creatures and had a blast ! When we finished up , Cale was tired ! It took a lot out of him , but he tolerated everything and enjoyed it ! I thought he was going to want to rest once home , but instead I cooked him up some lunch . Then again thinking he would want to lie down , but he still said he didn 't need to . So , we went to the church and he did his drum lesson with Sonny . Usually I would drop him off and then he 'd walk back with Sonny , but today I wanted to see how he did . The sessions right now are 15 - 20 minutes so it 's not much time away anyways . I loved getting to watch Cale drum ! When we 're practicing at home , it 's so different than seeing him try so hard with Sonny sitting there . I was really impressed ! Here are a couple videos of part of the session … After getting back home , I was sure he was ready to take a nap , but again he said no ! I had him make the choice of elliptical or the bike and then I took the other . This system seems to be working good to get him more motivated . He just needs someone else working out with him - and that 's what I need too ! He was sweating and done after 7 minutes so we sat outside on the shade to cool off . It was nice sitting next to him and relaxing . We talked about what we had done so far for the day and then what our plans for the rest of the night were going to be . I love our deck and all the flowers . Each hospital we were at had an area outside with places to sit and always had lots of flowers . I remember sitting in the garden at Palo Alto thinking about how amazing it would be if I could take that area home with me . Well , I wasn 't able to do that , BUT I 've tried to recreate a similar place that 's outside where I can get fresh air and rest . Please continue to be praying for Cale 's memory . Things get pretty interesting around here because things happen that he doesn 't remember and then he thinks I 'm lying ! For instance , a couple that we know spoiled him the other night and dropped off some Mt . Dew . Now , pretty much I don 't keep it in the house - at all . Since it was a gift I 've been letting him drink some here and there . Today with his lunch he drank a whole can , but about an hour later he wanted Mt . Dew . When I told him he had already had some , he didn 't believe me ! He honestly thought I was lying to him . This happens over so many things ! I end up looking like a liar quite often and this makes him upset at me . Tonight we played a new game that is tough , but is so good for him . He has to work with colors and pattern . We ended up having to cheat a little , but that was ok ! : ) |
One of the strange things about Universe City is how it resembles , say , Kigali . Or Nairobi . Some East African city . Ok , it doesn 't resemble it specifically , because the houses here are not behind walls , and they are winterized and such . It 's just that there are these little dirt lanes , in some places , and extra little rooms pieced together out of scraps dangling off of houses and , most of all , I think , there are office buildings that look like the tropics : they have outdoor walkways around them ( despite the unending rain and , last week , the inch of snow I found on my car in the morning ) , and they have rows of doors facing out that lead to small offices . The offices tend , though , to be for random things that would not survive in a less hippie town . There are innumerable chiropractors , and massage therapists , and nutritionists , and naturalists , and acupuncturists , and therapists , and they all just open their little tiny offices and make a living , apparently . How , I do not know . This is pretty much a hippie town , up and down . When he heard that I was moving here , F . said , " You are going to love the hippies . Get ready to be hugged all the time . The hippies will just up and hug you . " and I scowled and said , " I don 't like being hugged by people I don 't know . " Fortunately , no one has tried to hug me at random yet . Whew . In the middle of FIGHT class , I realized that I didn 't feel all that great . I felt kind of like someone had punched me in the stomach and I might barf , except that no one had punched me in the stomach . So that was unpleasant . When my stomach is iffy , I pretty much only want to eat cereal . I really like cereal . In college , I ate Lucky Charms three times a day in the dining hall . In law school one time , I felt sick - ish and so I ate cereal and then I actually did barf . ( Surmise : it was the milk . ) Today I was smarter and had my evening cereal with a new gallon of milk . Let it not be said that I learn nothing from my mistakes . Then I ate some chocolate and felt sick again . Perhaps I ought just to go to bed . Some days you just can 't win . I went to the K . s ' church by myself , because everyone else was leading a retreat / at a school meeting / studying / elsewhere . It was strange to sit there without any one of the pieces that normally connects me to the people in that sanctuary , and yet I have been there so many times that I felt safe and familiar there . I was the only person clapping for Go Tell It on the Mountain , though . I am really not sure how anyone can possibly get through that song without clapping . It seems just totally wrong . This is what comes of Dutch - American churches . On the drive home , there were accidents and bottlenecks , and it seemed that half the state or more was driving down the one single highway . Slowly . I drove lurchingly ( stop - and - go traffic is the one time when a manual transmission is not a boon ) , and A . and I talked about life and boys and the impossibility of not caring too much . Frosting cookies by yourself is boring . I miss my sister as I sit at the counter frosting endless supplies of cookies . I inevitably mix up some horrible color that wastes a whole lot of color and powdered sugar and then feel obligated to use it to frost cookies because it would be wasteful otherwise . That is how I ended up with purple cookies today . " Easter cookies are fine for Christmas , " N . said , watching me try to make the color slightly less spring - like . ( It didn 't work . ) Every year , I use these silver ball decorations from the K . s ' cupboard on the cookies . They are tasty and pretty , but I 'm not completely certain that I 'm not poisoning myself and everyone else who eats them . I think they date to approximately 1976 , and I 'm sure food safety standards were different then . Oh , well . Pretty ! . . . We went ice skating , A . and S . and I . A . used to ice skate in school , and I went a few times when I was a kid with my Uncle Ed , and S . said she has gone maybe two or three times . It came back to me pretty quickly , and I tucked myself forward ( falling on butt = bad ) and swung my arms and managed to stay upright . I even enjoyed it , when I wasn 't trying to avoid slicing off the fingers of small children who tumbled directly in front of me . & # ^ $ family skate time . Once again , it is early the next day before I get here , or to bed . We went to my favorite Ethiopian restaurant tonight , but I was too full from Christmas cookie dough to do it justice . Still , it was delicious . I miss that , in Universe City . There is no Ethiopian restaurant there , and even if there was one , it very likely wouldn 't be as good . Few places are . Then we sat around at a pub playing hearts and telephone pictionary . I lost at hearts , dramatically , but it possibly would have been less dramatically if certain people had not cheated . In the grocery store this morning , I caught a smell of candles , spicy ones all mixed together , and it was almost exactly the smell of the box that T . decorated to send with me to Rwanda . I kept all my precious little luxuries in there , including nice - smelling candles , and still , if I open that box at my parents ' house , it smells exactly like that . My friend S . posted a photo of my house in Rwanda online , and I commented how much I miss it . It seems abandoned , she said . We should buy it ! And oh , I want to buy it . It 's too bad I would be buying a house I could never afford to visit . It 's kind of one or the other , right now . But I miss it . Does it count as the 25th if I am still awake for the sleep - wake - sleep cycle of the 25th ? I am going to say yes , mostly because if I don 't say yes I will likely give up on the rest of the month , and that would be sad . I was , frankly , having too much fun even to think about writing anything today , as I always do when I spend holidays with the K . s . The big event today was the Punkin Chunkin , which we watched between rounds of card games . I think A . , my friend who I invited along to Gone West , was slightly horrified by the way we all raced over to the tv to watch the throwing of the pumpkins and then when a commercial started we all raced back to the table to get in one quick round of cards , and then we all raced back to the tv and told our scores to N . while glued to the next set of catapults throwing pumpkins across a field in Delaware . Weird , yes , but sometimes participating in the weirdness is the greater part of happiness . I am behind on a thank you that I really need to say . My Aunt Lisa , back when I was living in my converted garage in Universe City , sent me a Happy Honda card , with a gift card for fuel inside . ( Happy Honda ! It was the cutest card ever . ) So thank you , Aunt Lisa . Your card made me smile in the middle of packing , which is a great accomplishment indeed . I loved it ! The night before I moved my stuff to Universe City , I put my p @ ndora station on Patty Griffin , and I haven 't moved it since . In the car , I listen to country , these days . I don 't feel up for anything more . The Top 40 stations feel so harsh . I flip to them occasionally and then shudder and flip away , because I can 't handle yet another song about , I don 't even know , girls in bikini tops and Daisy Dukes or whatever else Top 40 songs are about these days . I find the country music world reassuring right now , even though I am bothered by the all - whiteness of it , because it is full of people who do what they say they will do , people who fall in love and stay that way , even when their hearts are broken . Or maybe that isn 't even it . Maybe it is that it idealizes doing what you say you will do and falling in love and staying that way . Is it weird to say that it seems like the Top 40 songs skew younger ? So many of the songs seem to forever be stuck at the college - age post - modern ideal of nightclubs and drinking and looking hot and getting laid , and it just makes me tired . I deal with the craziness every day at work , and I just moved , and I feel this craving for stability and affection , for friendship and truth . And so I keep listening to music that I don 't like so much musically for the sake of the feeling it evokes , the same feeling that I get sitting down to dinner at my parents ' house , with the kiddos underfoot , the same feeling that I get looking around at a group of good friends who I have known for a while , the same feeling that I get swapping pieces of the newspaper at the kitchen island at the K . 's house : the feeling of having a place to belong . I 've been taking FIGHT class for over two months now , and I still hurt sometimes when I get done . It seems that they devise ways to use new muscles each week . And then there is the fact that I just get hurt a lot , regardless of what I 'm doing , but worse when I 'm fighting . Currently , I have a jammed thumb , a sprained toe , and a growing , painful puddle of blood under the skin on the top of my foot . I feel like a real martial arts person . Back in Gone West , there was this girl who I saw once a week at a Farmers ' Market who very frequently would have a black eye or two . At first I worried about her , that she was in an abusive relationship , but then eventually A . and I figured out that she must do some martial art and just get punched a lot during sparring . I am not quite at that point yet . . . . One of the things I least like about blogging is blogging about blogging , but I am about to do it . After posting yesterday , I realized that I have posted very nearly that same post over and over . I repeat myself a lot . It 's still true , though . I am here . I am trying to live each day here . But I have not , and probably never will , fully let go of there . I miss it . Someday , hopefully not too far away , I will be there again , for a short time or long . I invited myself along to dinner with N . 's classmates , and they were all the sort of cool , interesting people that I wish I had around me all the time . I need to meet more cool people in Universe City , so my normal life can be filled with evenings like this . One of them actually turned out to be a lawyer who several other lawyers had told me I should track down : he has worked in Liberia . And so , today , I met N . and J . for lunch , and N . and I watched J . 's photos and videos of Liberia . " That 's my whole childhood , " I said , as a man on the screen called people to attention and started speaking , " sitting there listening to speeches . " The faces in the photos were familiar . No , I don 't know them , most of them , but they look familiar , like someone I could have passed on the street growing up , or the last time I was in Monrovia . " What about you ? " J . asked . " Do you miss it ? Do you want to go back to Africa ? " " I 'm fine until I see something like that , " I said , " and then I want to go back . " Sometimes , some moments , the fact that I am not there , that half of my home is 6977 miles and more away from here burns into me . How can I live this way ? How can I be happy without at least traveling back there ? I feel trapped by my interesting job and my comfortable house . They keep me here , when there are so many places that I haven 't yet been . There are so very many interesting places to live , so why am I here ? " Sometimes I miss it so much that I even catch myself missing Southern Sudan , " I said , and grinned at N . " N . heard those stories right after I came back , so he knows what a huge step that is . " " Uh , yes . It definitely is . " N . said . He probably remembers an evening that was almost completely full of me telling stories about the worst of my experience in Southern Sudan , those days when I wanted to go home every night and then every morning I would wake up to sunlight and think maybe I could survive another day , only to spend the next evening cursing myself for not having yet booked a flight out of there . We sat there in a crummy little ChPosted by My roommate M . has a tiny little dog . He doesn 't live here all the time , but when he is here he runs around on his tiny paws and curls up on my lap like a cat , and then he tries to lick my face and I have to push him away . I sat in front of the happy light for an hour today , but it was not enough . It still gets dark too early , and light too late . I am not as adventurous as I seem , as I have mentioned many a time , but today I tried something new : sushi with raw fish . Normally ( and by normally , I mean : the other three times I 've gotten sushi ) , I get the veggie stuff . Sweet potato , yum . Today , though , I had to get over it . It 's fine to be all vegetarian when you are meeting a group of new people - " I 'm vegeTARian " - or other vegetarian people , but N . is down from Gone West for a training and sometimes you just have to woman up and try something new . " Because you know the other people won 't mock you over it quite as badly ? " N . said . " I don 't like white sauces , " I told him over the smoked salmon / cream cheese / avocado rolls , " but sometimes you just have to trust that even if you don 't like one ingredient , a culture puts the flavors together for a reason . " And they were delicious . I am still learning this town , and today I happened upon a whole new part of it just by missing my turn into the gas / petrol station and trying to drive around the block but the block turned out to be really really big and then suddenly I saw a street sign and the name on it was one that I had heard but never before located . The pieces are coming together . I remember how , when I first moved to Gone West , I had all these little snapshots in my head of different streets and restaurants , but they didn 't fit together . Sometimes , years later , standing on a corner , I would look down a street and remember that I had seen that view before , long ago , before I knew how it fit with the rest of my city , and I would think of how familiar it all is now , a big grid in my head full of sunny spots and favorite shops . I had coffee again today at the place where I sat with my mom before my first interview for this job . We shared a burrito at that table over by the door , and she asked me possible interview questions . I changed into my interview suit in that bathroom where now I run to wash my hands before I touch my coffee . Now that coffee shop is across the street from a building where I go almost every day for work . It is no longer the center of the town , the way it felt before my interviews , but just ancillary to the places I go all the time . It hit me today , all - of - a - sudden ( that should really be a word of its own , because it wants to be said faster than the rest of the sentence - what ? doesn 't everyone hear the words in their head as they write them ? ) , that I need to start using the happy light . It 's later this year than it hit me last year , maybe because this has been a long , sunny fall , but there it was , today : I need the happy light . Last year , it arrived at the end of October , the week before I left for Vietnam . One day , everything was just Too Much . Today , the same . I had three conversations in a row that were frustrating , and suddenly I wanted to put my head down and give up , and it wasn 't until later , driving home after FIGHT class , that I realized why I wanted to give up , why everything was just Too Much . Happy light , I welcome you . FIGHT class , though , was as amazing as always . I think FIGHT class might be the best part of my week . Admittedly , the instructors have been working us extra hard lately , and I start to wonder if my allergist was right about the asthma ( another fake disease ! ) . " I call this the gift that keeps on giving ! " one of the instructors said . " Now through Christmas , I am going to give you the gift of hard work . " We were not exactly leaping for joy , although we did do a lot of leaping . FIGHT instructors think it is fun to have someone grab your leg , pull it up to waist level and hit you with their other hand while you hop and try to block their blows . Normal people disagree . Nonetheless , that class is one of my favorite things . I feel so strong and not - helpless after I 'm done , because the same things keep repeating and so , after a few months of class , I find that disarming someone with a gun to my head is almost natural , even though I 've never done it before . Last week , I was practicing disarming the instructor , and I kept not even getting to the stage where you snap the gun out of the person 's hand , because it practically flew out of his hand and into mine just from the way I pulled him off balance . That made no sense if you don ' Posted by I get ridiculously attached to things . I mean , ridiculously . Here is how ridiculously : I am delaying going to goodwill to donate things , because one of the things I need to donate is a bar stool that I originally bought at goodwill that I have been using as a bedside table . Yes , the top of it is too small . Yes , things fall off of it all the time . And yes , I feel guilty about getting rid of it . Even more ridiculously : I have this box that I used two , maybe three times , going back and forth to Rwanda , and then again moving to Gone West . It is one of the boxes that my organization sold : the perfect dimensions to maximize your luggage allowance . It has my name and Michigan address on it , and my sister 's name and Michigan address , and my name and Rwanda address , and my name and Gone West address , and I cannot bear to get rid of it . I am now clinging to cardboard boxes because they have some meaning to me . I think they have medication for this . Now I live in a tree house . It is not built in one single tree , merely among them . When I look out the windows , I am amongst treetops . As I left my house yesterday , there was a wild turkey crossing the road . This morning , a row of pheasants was parading down the sidewalk . And it still only takes ten minutes to drive to work . I was actually eager to get home tonight . Not just because I was severely hypoglycemic to the point where the road was blurring , although that helped ( ffoooood ) , but because I wanted to be here , in the quiet open spaciousness of my living room , snuggled in a blanket , listening to the quiet . It felt like coming home , not just escaping the rest of the world . I also am surrounded by unpacked boxes , and I should be at work right now . Sleeeeeep . I can 't remember what a whole night of sleep feels like . The last time I moved , in August , I was almost completely ready to go when N . and S . arrived at my 4th floor studio . The boxes were packed , and the gooey chocolate birthday cake was on the counter . The only thing left was taking the bed apart . The single flaw was the elevator : it took us many , many trips down the elevator and through the parking garage to get everything into the truck and trailer . When everything was loaded up , we drove two hours down the highway and took everything out in under thirty minutes . We had plenty of time to eat cake and stop at the go - karts on the way back . ( N . and S . raced around the track , while my car . . . putted . Slowly . I could not get it to speed up , even with the pedal to the floor while S . and N . lapped me . Near the end , it went slower and slower and started sputtering . I think it was out of fuel . ) This time , all was chaos when A . and M . arrived at my tiny used - to - be - a - garage apartment . Virtually nothing was packed , but there was a sour cream coffee cake on the counter . We made trek after trek with M . 's mom 's truck , and even more with just the cars . We took the bed apart , again , and tried to stuff the dresser into the trunk of an aged Honda . We carried boxes jammed with random objects that tilted off precariously as we walked . It 's almost done , though . I have a bed set up here , and the cleaning started there , and A . and I got a movie and sprawled out in the living room , the new living room , the one that has enough space to move and breathe and have guests . Guests ! Come on over ! It isn 't that I don 't know how to drive on roads filled with things other than cars . I do . In Rwanda , the roads are filled with cows and chukudus and bikes and kids and goats and old people leaning on canes . Someone told me once that the government had told the people that the roads were for all of them , not just for the cars . ( I don 't know if that was a true story . ) I was just fine in Rwanda , sharing the road . I only had two leeeettle incidents in two years . In one of them , I was making a right - hand turn in Kigali ( without checking for pedestrians on the sidewalks approaching the corner ) when a lady stepped out into the street ( without looking - she was on a mobile phone ) , and walked into the side of my truck . She was fine , if startled , and a friend of mine who spoke Kinyarwanda happened to be on the opposite corner , and he translated for us , and we both went about our business . This could have happened anywhere . The other incident was early in my time in Rwanda , before I knew what to do in a crisis . I was in Kibuye , heading home above the beach market , when two goats jumped off the little cliff on the side of the road and - I am not kidding - threw themselves in front of my truck . It was like they did it on purpose . One of them died on impact , and one of them stumbled to its feet and limped off the road . I stopped the truck , even though I had heard all these horror stories about what can happen when you kill an animal ( ok , the examples in those horror stories were cows : different ) . What else was I supposed to do ? We were the equivalent of three blocks from my house . It 's not like these people didn 't know me . I came to their market every Friday . Also , it was just a goat . " 20 , 000 FRw , " the owner told me , and I laughed . " I buy goats for my work , " I said . " I know how much a goat costs , and it is not 20 , 000 FRw . " I called my coworker in Kibuye , who arrived to bargain down the price of the goat , and then my boss in Kigali . " Get a police report , " he told me . I was a little worried about going to the police station ( what if thePosted by One of the guys sitting at the counter pulled out a stool for me , and I sat down between people I didn 't know . The shop was a tiny , golden oasis in a day of rain . All six of us at the counter chatted over our tea , almost involuntarily , because we were all sitting as close to one another as good friends . I held my warm mug in my hands , eschewing milk and sugar for once . It seemed wrong , somehow , in a shop where the owner hand - selects daily teas and steeps it to perfection before handing it to you , to amend the tea in any way . We lingered , strangers bound by the warm drinks in our hands and the article about sleep in the National Geographic , reluctant to venture back outside to errands and headlights . Apparently I am not allergic to this state . At least , not to anything they test for in the usual panel . We will just say that I am " unique " and leave it at that . Oh , except mold . I am allergic to one kind of mold . But ! I can get a dog . I can get a cat . I can take the * & & ^#%#&#($&#^ # allergen cover off my bed . ( Mom ! This is the nightmarish thing that makes my bed so stinking hot . Rest of you : no , really . You just lie in that bed and sweat , even when you are cold . Comes from lying on plastic . ) Here is what the doctor tells you when you are not allergic to things : apparently , your runny nose / headaches / itchy eyes / itchy throat / post - nasal drip / sneezing / coughing / wheezing / feeling like death are coming from air irritants rather than allergens . I don 't mean to get picky , but I have a question . What the . . . ? Your body is not producing an immune response to things , but you still feel like & # ^ $ because the irritants , what , sit on your mucus membranes and cause , um , an immune response ? I give up . I almost cried when she told me that I 'm not allergic to things because now there is NO HOPE . I CANNOT BE FIXED . I will just feel awful , and tired , and awful . Forever . I have been surviving on cereal again . It 's been a long time since I 've survived on cereal , but after a day of work and FIGHT class and grocery shopping sometimes I am too tired to get off the couch , too tired to think of what I might possibly prepare to eat that requires more than shaking some cereal into a bowl and pouring milk over top . ( When I got back from Gone West , the milk in my fridge had gone bad . Instead of running to the store - I was too tired - I made some milk out of milk powder in a Nalgene . ) ( Are the members of my family the only people who call it milk powder ? I said that to someone , and they didn 't know what I was talking about until I called it " powdered milk . " ) ( I grew up on powdered milk reconstituted into milk , but I do not at all like the skim milk stuff they sell in stores here . The brand name , full cream stuff they sell all over the rest of the world is so very much better . ) ( Tonight , I was supposed to 1 . move some things and 2 . buy a flax seed . I have done neither , and now I cannot , because I took excedrin PM and it contains the active ingredient in dramamine . The good news is that I will not feel motion sick while , um , sleeping . The bad news is that I cannot drive anywhere , lest I fall asleep at the wheel . ) ( I tried to pry a flax seed out of the microwaveable pillow I have that I used to tuck around my feet when I had a microwave that could warm it up , but the pillow was too well sewn together . ) ( I was supposed to buy a flax seed so they could allergy test me for it tomorrow . ) ( The unmedicated allergies in anticipation of the testing might very possibly be why I am so tired that I am resorting to surviving on cereal . I wish my body would stop thinking that this state is a disease it needs to kill off . ) I moved the first few boxes into my new apartment last night . It was strange to be starting a move all over again . I was so settled in my shoebox in Gone West , and I expected to be similarly settled here , but only three months later I am packing again . It 's good . I am crunched in this tiny apartment that was once a garage . I wander around my new apartment with the three bedrooms and the spacious living room and imagine how it will be to have space enough to add a bookshelf or closets enough to put the broom away . And I need to have people around , I know that . It was lovely last week to arrive at the K . s to noise and TV and people . And yet . When I moved to Gone West , I knew that I needed to live alone . I had been living in team housing in Southern Sudan , and I couldn 't bear the idea of sharing living space with someone else . I 'm ready to share an apartment again , I think , but I have gotten very used to living alone . I like having people around , but I also like living alone , and change is scary . So I went to my first NBA game . It was nice , except for the 9 - year - olds on the dance team dancing to songs about rocking your body , which made me want to screech and throw myself between them and the camera for the jumbo - tron , because seriously , you are 9 . There should be no rocking of the body , let alone rocking of the body magnified on a huge screen . I was horrified . I watched the game , but you really go to a sporting event to chat and watch the people , right ? I mean , that 's what women do . This is possibly why men should go to sporting events with men and women should go with women . Now it is raining , hard , just in time for my drive back to Universe City . After six years without a car , I 'm not exactly the most confident driver ( " You are so jumpy ! " S . says when she rides with me ) , and I hate driving in the dark and rain . Still , it 's hard to leave the friendly warmth of the K . 's living room for the 100 freeway miles to Universe City , and so I delay , even though it means that I will have to drive in the dark . I finally learned how to turn on the gas fireplace . It turns out all you have to do it flip a switch , and even I can manage that . I was afraid there was some trick involving an ignition and a clicking noise . Aren 't there some gas fireplaces that have those ? I distinctly remember shivering in T . 's parents ' back porch , fighting with the gas fireplace on so we would not turn into popsicles when we got out of the hot tub in the winter . But this one turns on instantly , in a whoosh of orange flame , and I have a crocheted blanket over my legs and there is a blue jay in the bird feeder outside the window . The sky is cloudy . I can 't tell if it has rained or will rain or no such thing - this is Gone West , and here rain falls slow and gentle , almost more a crystallized fog than actual raindrops . In the next yard , a man is working under the hood of his Volvo . I am thinking about a nap , even though I 've done nothing today but wake up and eat breakfast . . . . Last night , we went rollerskating with the junior high kids . I tried to remember how to skate , and then how to explain the motion to a 13 - year old who had never before skated . " Step , a little , and push out , " I said . Her legs went flying in all directions , and I could only soften her fall , not hold her up . I am not that strong nor that steady on skates . I tried to tell her to lean forward , like a speed skater . You don 't see them flailing backwards like all of us . It was fun , though , to skate in the big loop . Rollerskating is the same as ever . The same young teenagers circled one another , like they did when I was thirteen . The same little kids clung to the edges and their parents . The same awkward grownups infringed on the fun and / or the misery . Except now , the grownups are us . Me . Placeholder : It 's late , and I want to sleep , not blog . Also , to T : HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! ! ! ( Even though your birthday is already over in MI , and I am too late to say it in real - time chat due to having been in a computer - less training all day . xoxo . ) I went back to my old job today , and everything was the same except that someone else was sitting at my desk and doing my job . It was strange . I felt like I could slot myself right back in , if I removed the new person sitting where I should be . Then I went to visit A . , and we walked around her neighborhood with F . in a sling . When you are carrying a baby ( particularly if the baby is 1 . happy or 2 . sleeping ) , people look at the baby with the same kindness that they look at adorable puppies . I remember once in New York , when I was carrying Baby T . , how two women said scathing things about how young I was to have a child after I passed them . ( I was 26 . ) Now people look at me as if it 's natural that I have a small person strapped to my chest . Meanwhile , my allergist decided that I need to take a week off zyrtec so that I can have allergy tests next week . I am not enjoying my un - medicated week . My head hurts . Here in Gone West , I am staying with the K . s . It is remarkably nice - I had forgotten how nice - to live among people . It 's nice to have noise in the house , and to smell food cooking , and to sit down at dinner together . It 's nice to have a place to go home , warm and bright . I walked around downtown Gone West City today , through the familiar busy streets , and I kept thinking that yes , I like Universe City , but I really do like Gone West more . It didn 't hurt that the sun was out , and the streets were bustling ( Universe City streets do not bustle ) , and I stopped at my favorite food and coffee places . I went into an office where everyone knew me , and we went out to Ethiopian , where the owner said , " Hey ! Did they send you back ? " Hrmph . I miss this town . My tire got fixed , though . Also , I lost a game of darts quite dramatically . When I got back to Universe City on Sunday night , my tire was making strange flopping noises . ( It is , by the way , a brand new tire . ) I ignored the flopping noises , because there didn 't seem to be much I could do in the dark of night . Monday morning , I looked at the flat . Then I called my dad . Then I ditched the car and rode my bike to work . At lunch , I rode home , called my dad , changed the tire , took the car in , got the tire looked at , and went back to work . ( Classic quote from my dad when I worried about how long I had driving on a flat tire : " That car is so light , it probably doesn 't matter . " ) The tire store said that there was no leak , but they had checked the seal , and everything should be fine . Tell that to the ten PSI the tire had lost by halfway back up the road to Gone West City . And why don 't fuel stations sell air pressure gauges ? I am seriously considering buying a new tire , even though this one still has the little hairs on it . It 's really not worth the multiple fuel stations required to find a functional air machine , nor the fretting when the car bumbles around on the horrible grooved cement : is it the road , or is it the car ? One never knows . I did it again : I carved a pumpkin and I forgot how quickly they go bad . When I left for the weekend , I left my carved pumpkin sitting proudly on a chair . I came back to find that it had just . . . crumpled in the middle , like a fallen souffle . The top was still perfectly round , but the sides had gotten substantially shorter . The pumpkin was about 2 / 3 its original height . The dripping goo was mostly contained ( I carried the entire chair out to the trash very , very carefully , tipped the pumpkin into the trash , and then washed the seat off when I brought the chair back inside ) , but my flipflop was under the chair and when I put it on this evening it was sticky . Ew . |
A Difficult Farewell Posted on June 28 , 2013 by Kathi Ann Photography - Sacramento Area Pet Photographer Life has been hectic and busy . A number of things have been going on in my life and some I hope to write about . This post was written about 3 weeks ago when our Lab was put down due to failing health . It was a very painful decision that took two weeks to decide , although we have known for some months before that the day was getting close . I did not post it at the time as it was too painful and my grief over her loss was too great . I still get teary just thinking about Jenny , but it is getting better . I mean , how do you not grieve over the loss of a much loved member of your family . So it is that I am finally able to post this in honor of Jenny . She is still loved and greatly missed . Thanks for your understanding and allowing this dog lover to open her heart a little with words . It is raw , painful and hard . Saying good bye to a much loved companion of over 13 years . Yes , Jenny , our beautiful , sweet , yellow Labrador Retriever . I use her full breed title , so often calling her a Lab , but for today she deserves the entire thing . One sometimes wonders how do you come to the decision to put a dog down ? Do we try to hang onto them for our sake or is it merciful to let them go before they are in too much pain . So often we know in our heart that the time has come but we can 't let go . We need one more day or week or hopefully a month with them . We hope against hope that they will improve and maybe , just maybe we will get another year of their time . It may seem selfish , but it is love that won 't let them go until it is all too clear that the time has come . So it was with Jenny . Jenny was the second of the two Labs that we had . She was sweet and beautiful . Actually , she was one of the prettiest yellow labs I have ever seen . She came from good breeding , hunting stock , but we just loved her as a family pet . We seldom took her with us where people did not stop and comment on her looks . She had beautiful confirmation for a Lab . No skinny tail , the perfect height and those eyes that could melt any heart . And her ears . I loved her ears . Soft as velvet . She knew tricks . She could bark at a command of the hand , twirl , sit , " high 5 " and lay down . All taught to her by her actual owner , my daughter Claire . They were a pair . Jenny sleeping with Claire on her bed from a pup , taking up most of the full size bed that Claire slept in when she lived at home . She loved to play ball and every Christmas Claire would buy and wrap presents for her , putting them under the tree . For years she would get a new collar and squeak toys for it was a holiday for the dogs too . They were part of our family . I know that one day we , as a family , will be able to look back and talk about Jenny and her funny ways . Her little quirks , her sweet nature and how much we miss her . But , for now , it is only through tears that we can speak her name . I only hope that she knew , in some way , how much we loved her and will miss her . She enriched our lives in a way nothing else could . Other dogs will come into our lives but there will never be one that can take her place . She was one of a kind . So it is with great difficulty that we said our farewell and pray that one day we will see her again in heaven , tail wagging , no arthritis and a healthy body . That is how I want to remember her . Just as she was when I would look out the windows on the back of our house and see her , swimming , all alone in the pool , that I am sure she believed was built just for her . And , just as merciful as God is , I remembered this morning that last night in Texas there was a rainbow at about the time of Jenny 's passing in California . Yes , God was taking care of you , sweet Jenny , and giving me a sign again , that all was going to be okay . For not one sparrow falls without His knowing . Jenny , I will forever miss you , sweet girl . I 'll see you again , in heaven . Texas vs The Emerald City Posted on May 1 , 2013 by Kathi Ann Photography - Sacramento Area Pet Photographer " Oh Toto look ! It 's the Emerald City . It is so beautiful and we are almost there ! " Dorothy begins to walk faster and faster , almost at a run . She , with her little dog Toto running along side of her . She had walked so far , feeling lost and frightened yet here , just as she crested the hill , she saw before her what appeared to be a sanctuary . The Emerald City . Okay , so this is not exactly how the scene plays in the Wizard of Oz , but it is how I imagined it yesterday morning . I have been , once again , in Texas . The Houston area to be exact , and for this non - city girl , it can sometimes be a challenge . I have had a difficult time finding places to walk that are safe . Just when I think I have found such a place I am warned by someone that it is not a good place for me to walk . So , it comes to an end . There is a walking / biking trail that I have found that runs along the back side of a community college that is just down the street from Dale 's new apartment . Zoey and I have been walking a portion of this path . The path is on a slight rise with a drainage canal on one side and the road for the college parking lot on the other . There are trees along the path in most of the section where I walk , a dirt path and green grass on the sides . For the most part it is very pleasant . However , there is one part in the path where the college grounds stop but the path continues . At this point there is an area that is overgrown with all kinds of brush and scrubby trees . Next to that is a structure that is fenced with a high wooden fence and after that I can not tell what lies beyond . Something scary and dangerous I am sure and I hear the warnings of locals telling me " it is not safe " . The drainage canal continues on the opposite side and that is open with high power line towers running as far as the eye can see . But inside all that growth on the other side of the path …………… . . well , who knows what is lurking inside ! So , I always stop just before that point and turn around going back to safer territory . I turn , walking away with a little frustration because I want to go further , adding more " mileage " to my walk , but fear stops me . I turn from the unknown and return to what is known and where I feel it to be safe . Yesterday mid morning I was feeling a bit braver than usual and decided I would walk just a little beyond the scary part and see how that felt . Zoey , my trusted walking companion , was with me and we ventured on . To my surprise as I got just a little into the " scary zone " I could see what appeared to be concrete walks . Then as I came over a little rise and around a bend there it was ! I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz , or how she must have felt when they first saw the Emerald City . For what I saw was not scary at all ! In fact the scary part only lasted a very short distance ! It was the unknown that was scary . As I rounded the bend the dirt path became concrete , really nice concrete , with grass on either side and just as I got to the rise there it was . A really nice large pond with houses around one side . A concrete walking path went completely around the pond and I estimated that if I walk the concrete path it will add another mile to my walk . How nice to walk around a large pond that is well cared for , has some water fowl to see and a nice even path for me to walk or jog on . I was thrilled , excited and thankful . Today I went back to that spot and walked the pond , this time with my camera . The part of the path that had been so scary was not scary at all for I knew what was waiting ahead for me . And I thought …………………………… We are so afraid to do or go where it is not comfortable , where we can not see around the bend . It is scary and often times friends and well meaning people warn us that it is not safe , don 't venture beyond what we know or our self talk tells us to play it safe . So , we get to a certain part in our life and then we turn around and stay there . It is " safe " , or so we think . We stay where it is comfortable , secure and predictable when all along if we had ventured out just a little bit further , hung on a little bit longer , we would have had something so much more . Something so much better and bigger than what we had imagined . And , I wondered how many times have I given up when just beyond my reach , at that moment , there was something really great for me to grasp if I had just gone a little further . I do believe that God gives us more than one opportunity to take the best that He wants for us . That He can bring it back around in different ways for us to grab hold when we are ready . Sometimes we have to take a different route to get there but He will eventually get us to the right place . And how thankful I am for another life lesson that I can ponder and hopefully grow from . Green Moths , Texas and Me Posted on April 16 , 2013 by Kathi Ann Photography - Sacramento Area Pet Photographer " Kathi , you need to get your camera and come see this " , Dale calls out to me as the house is waking up from a night 's sleep . I do just that , as I have learned that when I hear that phrase , I am usually in for something good , a visual gift . To my delight on one of the screens of the screened in porch at his parent 's house was a beautiful , Texas size , green moth . I clicked away , filling numerous frames on my digital card . Going back into the house , I was delighted with my morning discovery , or should I say Dale 's morning discovery . There is a silent " thanks God for that treat " as I set my camera on the kitchen counter and poured my first cup of coffee . Later in the day I decided to look at the pictures of the moth . Settling on one to edit , I went to work . There was not much to do ; a little cropping , sharpening , and I darken the background . Then words …… . . I wanted to add some words . I settled on " With brave wings she flies " . This morning I ventured out on a walk before getting consumed with the day . Enjoying the morning sounds of country living is one of my favorite things . In the distance a rooster crows , horses ' whinny , and the cows across the street are busy grazing with cow Egrets fast on their heels . The sun is peaking in and out of the clouds and Zoey , our faithful Boxer , is zig - zagging in front of me to gather in the smorgasbord of smells . Today I let her do as she pleases , not making her " heel " as we walk . Another silent " thank you Lord for this morning " goes up to the heavens . My mind goes to the picture of the moth and I think about woman I know . A close girlfriend who is struggling with some decisions that she knows will have a great impact on her life . I imagine she is fearful of the unknown . With brave wings she flies . I have a daughter , my baby , who is currently studying overseas in a foreign country . She went knowing no one and with little command of the language . With brave wings she flies . My mind then goes to my oldest daughter who is a new teacher . She is working hard to teach children that are sometimes hard to teach . They can be disrespectful , parents difficult , and she works long hours after school is out . She works weekends , has events in the evening to attend for her students , travels for competitions with " her kids " , and often spends her own money , from a meager paycheck , to buy things for her classroom . With brave wings she flies . There is my daughter - in - law who is , along with my son , raising my first and only grandchild . As with most toddlers she consumes nearly every minute of her mother 's time . Their house is small , really small , yet I never hear them complain . My daughter - in - law is completing her final semester of college and is often doing homework or studying for tests around nap and play times . With brave wings she flies . I think too of lady friends that I know who had husbands . Those husbands decided they no longer wanted them for their wives and left . They have struggled to make a way for themselves after being married for several decades . Entering the world of singles at the age of 50 or more can be difficult and trying to support themselves can be stressful and hard . I know , I am one of them . With brave wings they fly . The moth I photographed did not have smooth edges on its wings . They were jagged and a little worn . I imagine those tender , delicate wings were scared from battles fought yet it did not diminish its beauty . That is how it is with the woman mentioned above . They are each beautiful , and the battles that life throws their way only makes them more beautiful . I hope the same can be said for me . Loosing Ones Life to Gain Posted on February 26 , 2013 by Kathi Ann Photography - Sacramento Area Pet Photographer So Jacob was left alone , and a man wrestled with him till daybreak . When the man saw that he could not overpower him , he touched the socket of Jacob 's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man . Then the man said , " Let me go , for it is daybreak . " The past four years I have been in school , the school of life . It has been an intense program , accelerated by life events , each causing me to feel I have little control over the outcome . So I wrestle . It is hard to let go . I sat at lunch recently with a couple of girlfriends . We had not seen each other for some time , one I had not seen for probably over a year . It was good to see them and it felt like " old times " . It was comfortable , like putting on an old sweater and memories of our friendship rushed in to my mind . I love these ladies and I love that we have a history . We were playing catch - up . So much has happened in each of our lives over the past 5 years . Our children are grown or nearly grown , each pursuing their educational dreams . We are older , aches and pains come and go , Cancer was beaten and a marriage saved . One marriage ended ……… . mine . As we rushed to ask our questions of one another , ever on a time limit , we touched on the subject of our spiritual lives . Each of us are Christians , each different in our walk but supportive just the same . Each journey different . " I have had a hard time with God , I really am not sure just what all I believe anymore " , I share with my friends . I am openly honest , the mask is off for a time . Suzanne looks at me and I see in her eyes that she is saddened by my statement or perhaps it is because she has been there and knows the struggle is hard . She knows the pain of it ? " I went through so much with the divorce and saw so much go against me , I just don 't know " , I finish my thought . Tears rush to my eyes and I hear my voice change a bit . Ugh , I don 't want to go there , I am able to squash them down and move to a different subject . I have always had a very tender heart for God and it pains even me to question his goodness toward me . It was just about five , maybe six years ago and Suzanne had shared with me that she had cancer and we hugged each other and cried . Through our tears I shared with her how God loved her , that he wanted to have her come to him with her questions , hurts and sorrows . That He wanted to have a personal relationship with her . She was not sure , it had been some time since she had felt close to Him , I continued to assure her of his love . Fast forward to me a few years later . I am the one who questions when my world is rocked by a 30 year marriage that abruptly came to an end , and I wonder . I wonder why , why would God allow this . Yes , inside myself I know the answer , I guess I just want a better one , something different . We each are given free will and my ex husband certainly had the free will to choose the life that he chose . He chose to leave the family that he and I had created , he wanted a different life . It was hard , really hard . I remember in the early part of our divorce proceedings feeling as though I would not survive the pain of infidelity , court battles and attorneys . I wondered what did I do to deserve all this pain . Pruning is painful , I now know . I see it all as pruning to make me better , stronger and hopefully bring me the life that is better for me . For all that I am thankful and in nearly every way my life is so much better now . But I still engage in this wrestling match . It is easy for me to see God working in other people 's lives . I see how He has blessed and cared for my daughters since their Dad left . They have been awarded scholarships and grants to help pay for college , jobs have come to help pay for extra expenses . People have come along side to encourage and help guide , filling the gap . Again , I am forever thankful . For me God often seems silent . Yes , He has taken care of me . It may not have been in the way I would have liked for in many cases it did not come without a struggle and a certain amount of stress or pain . But is it because of my attitude and expectations ? How I think things should be or look ? How that help would come ? Did I put God in a safe " box " ? In the early days of my divorce I spent hours reading my Bible , looking for answers . It was the thing that kept me " going " , waking up each day and putting forth the effort to build a new life . I felt some of those answers came and certainly strength was given . I recently read a blog written by a woman who reminded me that God tells us in the Bible that to " gain our life we must first lose it " . Matthew 16 : 25 . For me it meant that I gave up nearly all . Everything that I had hoped and dreamed for was taken in a two - year period , shattered before my eyes and what pride I had was gone . However , as painful as that may have been , it made room for new dreams and perhaps these dreams are richer and deeper than the previous . Maybe , just maybe , these dreams come from a more real me . For certainly I am older and hopefully wiser . And , I recently came to the conclusion that wrestling may actually be a good thing . For by a willingness to wrestle , I am still alive spiritually . I think it is okay to ask , maybe even demand answers to life 's questions . After all , God is big enough to deal with them . I may not get the answers when I want them …… the wrestling …… . or I may not like the answer …… but when the answer comes it may cause me to see some things more clearly . And , in God 's goodness toward me , I know from experience that He will only give me answers as I can handle them , and the information will only come as I can digest it . I imagine God sitting in an overstuffed chair next to the fireplace in my living room . There is a crackling fire that warms the room and he quietly waits . It is here that I bring Him my heap of broken dreams , tears and yes …… my pride . I lay it at his feet and looking into my eyes he says , " now Child , now we can start over . The wrestling can stop . We can finish what has already begun , your wonderful new life " . My birthday , which was on Valentine 's Day , came and went . A wonderful day that Dale made very special for me . I was pampered in ways that happened very seldom in the past and I loved it . My kids always worked hard to make it special for me but now they are grown and have spouses or " loves " of there own . I don 't want them to spend Valentine 's Day with me when they have newer loves to do special things for . So , having Dale in my life to make me feel loved and cherished was amazing . He has a special way of doing that for me . Every girl should be so blessed ! We have begun to make frequent visits to a small lake near my home . It is a community lake with an abundance of water foul , turtles and birds . There is a one mile walking path around the lake and we often walk the path , me with my camera , ready to stop for anything I see that might be of interest . About a month ago we visited and to our surprise there were 5 white swans on the lake . I was extremely excited and snapped pictures until my card was full . A couple of weeks later when we visited the swans were gone and I was greatly disappointed . However , I knew that they would most likely not stay long but would be migrating to a distant location . A few days ago we ventured out to the lake again . With great surprise and excitement we saw 3 of the 5 swans were on the lake . They put on quite a show of flapping their wings , grooming and chasing off some Canadian Geese . I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning as I clicked away , once again until my card was full and Dale waited patiently for me . He is a good man as most people are quite bored with photographers as they photograph things that they like . The lake was a flurry with activity as mating season seemed to be in full swing . How appropriate for a month that is marketed as the month for love . Funny . Since yesterday was busy we decided this afternoon to go back to the lake . Dale worked all morning and I was working outside getting things tidy before we leave again for Texas in a few weeks . At Dale 's suggestion we stopped and purchased a deli sandwich and a bottle of wine and headed out to the lake . He told me perhaps we would see the swans again and I could take more pictures of those magnificent birds . He would sit on one of the park benches and be happy for me to wander as long as I needed . I packed up two wine glasses , an opener , grabbed my camera which already had my zoom lens on it , and off we went . I was excited and happy to be getting back to the lake with my favorite guy . Once there , we found a great spot that was near the water 's edge and private . While Dale opened the bottle of wine and poured us each a glass I unwrapped our sandwich , splitting it in half and handing him his portion . We talked and ate and felt the warm sun reach deep into our bones . What a perfect afternoon . There were some geese in the water very close to us , three turtles sunbathing on some rocks in the water and a very interesting bird that flew in to rest on the waters edge . I grabbed my camera and turning it on as I picked it up I saw in the lower right corner where it tells me how many pictures I have left , was a big " E " . This meant EMPTY . I had forgotten to put a card in my camera ! ! ! Talk about irritated with myself ! I had taken some pictures earlier in the morning and taken the card out to look at the pictures on my computer . I had not replaced the card and seldom take my camera bag with me when I am only going to the lake . Ugh ! I decided to walk around the lake . Dale chose to stay behind . He is in a wheel chair for another month while his legs heal from a fall and it is a lot of work for him to wheel around the lake . I decided to take the walk alone . As it always is , I saw things that I would have loved to have had my camera for . Not having the weight of my camera in my hand felt odd and I fancied myself as an addict not having the drug that they needed . Reaching the far end of the lake , two Canadian Geese flew over me , so close that it seemed if I had reached up and taken a little jump I might have touched them . Click … . . my minds camera takes pictures , one right after the other and all I have are mental pictures of how they looked . About 20 steps further two more Canadian geese flew over me , this time just a bit higher and my minds lens opens and closes again , wishing I had a card in my head to record the sight . I have never had large birds fly so close to me . It was as if the sight was a gift for just me , not to be shared , and I am thankful . It is amazing to me how nature can bring so much calm and peace to ones soul . I arrive back at my starting point where Dale is patiently waiting , telling him of the geese and other sights that I saw . We gather our things and head back home . Tomorrow is another day and he suggests that we try again tomorrow . The one good thing is the swans were not there today , if that is any consolation . Tomorrow is another day and we will try again . This time , I will be taking not one , but two cards for my camera ! Posted in Uncategorized | Are Those Candles or a Blow Torch on that Cake ? Posted on February 7 , 2013 by Kathi Ann Photography - Sacramento Area Pet Photographer This month , February , is our BIG birthday month . Dale , my two daughters , and I all have birthdays in February . They are even different weeks so we are pretty much celebrating a birthday every week . When my kids were young , I would leave the dining room decorated for birthdays all month . I mean , what was the point of decorating every week ! As the crepe paper streamers would start to sag and droop I would just move the tape up the wall to take up the slack . I might refresh the balloons hanging from the middle of the light fixture as by the end of the month they were often starting to look a little deflated and wrinkled . Funny memory . There was also the birthday tradition for the kids of buying one helium balloon for each year of age . The balloons were tied to their chair at the dinner table . That was a fun tradition until they started to become teenagers and I decided I would rather spend $ 15 . 00 on something that was not going to be gone in a day or two . So , for anyone thinking that it might be a fun tradition to start , I suggest you add a cap to the number of years . Maybe tell your kids if they get too many balloons on their chair they will lift off and fly away ! But tell them that while they are still young and believe everything you say ! My birthday happens to fall on Valentine 's Day . Ugh ! Now , not only is there the " Ahhh , you are a Valentine 's baby ! " , nearly every time I show my driver 's license , but I have also heard " You must have been a sweet baby " . Well , of course I was ! ! ! ( smile ) And , to top it off I have always had to share my birthday with a holiday . For those of you who also share your birthday with a holiday you know what I mean . You always seem to miss out on one or the other . I do have some very fond memories of birthdays past . When I was young I remember having a few birthday cakes that were in the shape of a heart . My mom always bought a bakery cake for our birthdays . I grew up in a fairly poor environment , although I didn 't realize then how much we actually lacked money . So , a store - bought cake was really special . Back when I was a kid , birthday parties were pretty simple . There were no jump houses , no crafts were made and no clowns visited . It was cake , ice cream and a few games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey . I really don 't remember having any kid parties but my 87 - year - old mother has some pictures to prove I did so I guess they actually happened . As I became an adult and had children , yes there was a wedding in there , my kids kind of took on the role of making mom ( me ) feel special on her day . My son Kyle was responsible for breakfast , Lora , my youngest had the job of fixing lunch and Claire , my oldest daughter / middle child had the responsibility of dinner . Back then , Claire was my little cook and she was great at it from an early age . Lunch usually consisted of canned soup and a sandwich as Lora was young and that was what she could manage with some help from her siblings , Kyle was outstanding with fixing eggs . But my most special memory of my kids preparing for my day was when I was able to spend the entire day , at their insistence , working on a scrapbook that I was making . It was back in the day when I was doing such things and time for crafty activities was precious and often hard to find . The thought of having an entire day to sit and work on a project was heaven ! Another birthday that was really special was shortly after we moved to a house on acreage . My cousin had loaned us one of his horses for a short time . Sadly , she was so homesick for him that we had to send her back . However , in the short time we had her we fell in love with Dottabar . We were very sad at her departure and that year on my birthday the kids made me a birthday cake decorating it with a little plastic horse from Kyle 's Cowboys and Indians set , complete with plastic fencing and " Happy Birthday " written on the top of the cake . Last year was also really wonderful . Dale took me to Carmel for the week - end and we relished in the beautiful scenery , climbed on the rocks at the oceans ' edge and took lots of pictures of waves and tide pools . We even went down to the beach at nearly dark just to take pictures of the waves at night . It was wonderful . No one told me about the aches and pains that often accompany age and the frustration of not being able to do some of the things I used to do , like back bends and Chinese somersaults . Okay , it has been a VERY long time since I could do either of those things but I still remember being able to do them when a kid ! But , I like to believe that with age also comes a supply of contentment . There are so many things I no longer desire to own or be responsible for and relationships are more important to me than ever before . Just yesterday I was out in my vegetable garden weeding , or trying to weed . I had my grand - daughter with me , who just turned 1 . My grand - daughter , son and daughter - in - law . She is walking and is quite Miss Independence . At one time I might have found it frustrating but now it is cute , her busyness to explore and how often she would fall , little hands trying to brush off the dirt and on she would go . Concerned for her safety I decided to leave the garden and go for a walk with her on the property . She will not hold my hand as we walk so instead I held onto the hood of her sweatshirt . We would stop often as she would find little treasures to pick up off the ground , be it a leaf or a little stick that had fallen out of the near by oak tree . She would make her little sounds of surprise as she would take a closer look and then her feet would get busy again , moving in another direction . I am not sure I would have had the patience 27 years ago when so many other chores were left to be done . I 'm glad I no longer feel the need to be so productive but enjoy being productive in a different kind of way . And to those who don 't have birthdays on the 14th , Happy Valentine 's Day . I hope you are able to spend it with those you love or make it a special day for someone you know . Posted in Uncategorized | It all started about two and a half years ago . Around that time I was going through a confusing time . I had come through a very difficult and painful divorce , was healing well , but life was still hard . There were things in my life that I was not happy with and I wondered when it would ever feel " normal " again . Yes , I was discovering a new normal and was anxious to get everything in its place . But , it actually goes back several years before that , now that I think about it . One afternoon , the day before my oldest daughter was about to leave for college , we were out running errands wrapping things up for her to leave . She began attending the local community college at 16 , graduating high school early , and at nearly 19 she was heading out to attend a university some 500 miles from home . My heart was sad and heavy . This was my first of three children to move so far from the nest . Claire and I were out and it was a stormy , rainy afternoon . We had made a stop and as she was getting into the car , I happened to look over my shoulder out the driver 's side window . There , to my surprise , was a very large brilliant rainbow that seemed to be right over us and coming out of no where . The sun was not shinning but was behind dark rain clouds , yet there was this huge rainbow that was so bright it nearly took my breath away . As I pointed it out to Claire I felt in my heart that it was a message from God that " everything was going to be okay " . I felt a peace that I did not understand . It did not remove my sadness over my baby girl leaving home but I knew it was the right thing for her and it would all be okay . Now , we fast forward to the beginning of this blog . To the time after my divorce . Yes , again , I was wondering about life , about my life . Things were not moving along as I had wanted or thought it should . I was in a home that I had recently moved in to after selling the family home , and I was sad , frustrated and wondering where God was in all that was going on . I was taking a shower and had my head back rinsing my hair . The hot water pouring down on me was soothing and I hoped it would wash away the confusion that seemed to fill my head . My eyes were closed and I remember standing under the shower head wishing the hot water would never stop and asking God when this time would be over , would my life ever be better ? Bringing my head forward and opening my eyes , there on the shower wall that I was facing , was a little rainbow . To say I was surprised is an understatement ! I quickly looked around the shower and saw that there was not just one little rainbow in the shower but three . I opened the glass door to look outside the shower , looking to see if there were rainbows anywhere else in the bathroom , but there were none . Just in the shower , where I was ! And , the rainbows The next day I was again in my bathroom . This time at the sink applying my make - up , getting ready for the day . I looked down to remove something from my make - up bag when there in my sink was another rainbow . A big smile came to my face and I looked around to see if there was a rainbow anywhere else in the bathroom . No , again it was only where I was . This time there were no rainbows in the shower , only in my sink . This repeated itself the next day , however , this time on a wall in the bathroom . Three days in a row as if God had to remind me over and over that all was going to be well . I suppose sometimes I can be hard - headed . Other times big and bold . I have seen them in the clouds on my way to the airport when I was sad to leave the man in my life , or while I am in the air on an airplane flying back to California from Texas . Even on the airport floor while waiting for my ride home . I have seen them while on a walk and usually while I was thinking and trying to get answers to something about my life . There were rainbows all over the floor and a wall in the veterinarians office one morning while we were there with Zoey our Boxer . Most recently I was flying back from Texas with Dale . He had been in an unfortunate accident and we were flying back to California to spend part of his recuperating time at my home . The trip had been good but long and difficult . He is in a wheel chair for another two months and we were lugging back too much luggage , were tired , and we still had a car to rent and a two - hour drive before being home . Looking out the window of the train that was taking us from the airport terminal to the building where we were to rent a car was a big rainbow . I pointed it out and with a smile said to Dale , " look " . He smiled too and we both felt we were on the right road . This rainbow thing has been infectious to some degree . Recently on Facebook my youngest daughter who is out of the country attending college , wrote on my wall , " saw a rainbow today and thought of you " . It made my heart smile . Yes , even while she is now so far from home , I am still getting the message that all is well . I believe there are signs everywhere for each of us . Sometimes they are bold and " in your face " . Other times they are but a whisper . We are often too busy to notice but if we are still and willing to linger a while , we may see or hear them . Here is to the stillness that we all need and the hope we may find there . |
" Looks like slim pickings tonight , " Alan commented on Wednesday night . Professor came in , but he didn 't stay long . Amy , Sarah , and Tommy were there . Jacob came in the gym a little bit after Professor had left . Art came in for a minute and looked around . The crowd is always low right before a new session starts . The Spring session begins on Monday . I keep hearing that people can 't sign up online because it 's full . But that doesn 't necessarily mean there 's going be a full house next week . Alan told everyone on Monday that he 's going to have to get tough on people who come in and out but never sign up for the session . The video clip above features Alan and Jacob during their first round of sparring . In one of the later rounds , I thought both men were going to flip over the ropes . Jacob and Alan were locked in a clinch , and both of them leaned on the top ropes . I was in the ring with Jacob before Alan was . Alan kept telling me to go for Jacob 's head . Afterwards , I asked Jacob , " How tall are you ? " " About 5 ' 11 , " he answered . " Alan , how am I going to hit someone who 's 5 ' 11 in the head ? " I said . Alan told me something I hadn 't noticed before . When I go in to do the body shots - - and I got a lot in on Jacob - - I don 't protect my head . That would explain a lot , especially when I had those three fights with Meg , and I took all those head shots . Amy told me earlier that Sarah , who arrived later in the evening , probably wouldn 't spar because she 's wants to give her nose a chance to heal . My nose still feels a little sore , too . However , Sarah is working with a lot more common sense than I do when it comes to sparring . I did tell Amy that there are times , rare as they are , when I don 't spar : a ) if I had been knocked out during a previous sparring session or bout and b ) if I really feel out of sorts that particular day . Feeling out of sorts includes having a bad cold or flu ( although I 've made exceptions for those sometimes ) , but more often , it 's just a rundown feeling , a sign that my body has had enough for the moment . I was telling Alan about the time my mother threatened to put a beat down on my Dad 's third wife . After I told it , I thought , " He must be thinking , ah ha ! That 's where she gets that fighting drive from ! " My late dad had a temper , but Ma 's temper wasn 't fun to deal with , either . Most of the time , she 'd do a slow burn . The late comedic actor Paul Lynde was a master at the slow burn , usually accompanied by grumbling insults . That 's what Ma does . But when she really got fired up about something . . . sigh . All I have to say is , Dad 's third wife should have thanked me for being in - between her and Ma that day , and if something had gone down , I would have put my bets on my mother . Alan said that his eye took a hit during sparring on Monday , and he couldn 't remember if it had been his boss Paul who did the deed or me . " Me ? It couldn 't have been me ! Little old me ? " I joked . Alan smiled , " Well , it is what it is . " Posted by Brandy had said she would probably take a little time off from the gym , and she wasn 't there Monday night . The only other woman in attendance besides me was Amy who normally doesn 't spar . Professor , both guys named Paul , Art , and Igor was in attendance . I had barely started dialing the combination of the lock on my locker when Igor started bugging me about putting his watch inside . Once again , I grumbled , asking him why doesn 't he just leave the watch at home . I don 't know why I bothered wasting my breath . Young Paul and Alan sparred for a few rounds , and it looked like a wrestling match . I kept saying , " Break ! Break ! " Alan later explained to Paul : " You kept pushing me back , but I kept holding on . It was just using up energy . " Alan caught Paul with some shots that caused the younger man to double over a couple of times . Paul also took a knee at one point . Paul came out , and I got in . Igor was mumbling about his watch because he wanted to go . I made him wait for it . I 'd been used to sparring Brandy , Melinda and Sarah for so long that I forgot how to approach Alan . I threw some wild punches that turned me around and had me falling up against the ropes . I got him with an overhand right once , but that was about the only good punch I was able to get in . Alan backed me up into a corner with a series of straight punches and uppercuts . I grabbed his arms to stop the onslaught . Alan got up against ropes at another moment and got me with a kidney shot . I fell to the canvas , going , " Ohh ! " Alan helped me back up , and we continued with the round . Another kidney shot a few minutes later caught me off guard . Thankfully , the bell rang not too long after that . Alan and Young Paul got in another round , but with less wrestling this time . But Paul was hit on the back of his neck , and that round ended quickly . Alan told him , " I didn 't hit you that hard . " I was watching from ringside , holding my side and giving Alan a dubious look . He always says he doesn 't hit hard . Sometimes , I think Alan doesn 't know his own strength . I know I don 't have the time , even when I think I 'm pulling punches . I still remember being surprised after seeing how Ben 's face was battered and bruised after he and I sparred several years ago . I couldn 't believe that I had hurt him like that . My niece Jalissa came with me to the gym not long after that happened . Mort , who was still going there at the time , told her , " Your aunt kicked that guy 's ass ! " Speaking of Mort , I ran into him sometime late last week . He 's doing well , working and finishing up his degree in graphic design . Mort was proud to hear how JJ had dropped a guy with a left hook during his most recent professional fight . Mort showed me a picture of his daughter , a cute little three - year - old . The photo above is of my old Master 's boxing license . There are no fights recorded in it . I got it back in 2003 , several months after I started going to the Loyola Park gym . Steve , the former coach , tried to get fights for me , but none happened , not even a Park District fight . While at the Golden Gloves last Friday , Mary turned to me and asked , " Don 't you wish you had a fight here ? " " I wish every year , " I sighed . When I first got that license , Master 's Boxing matches were still included in the Chicago Golden Gloves . They 're not anymore . I always tell people , " Medical issues don 't prevent me from being a coach . " The photo above is of my latest coach 's license . It 's time for me to attend another clinic , but they 're not held often enough or close to where I can get to them easily . I really enjoyed the last clinic I attended out in Harvey , Illinois . Boxing lost another legend , this time Bert Randolph Sugar . As I write this , the TV is on in the background , tuned to ESPN Classic 's " Ringside " . The episode is " Mike Tyson 's Greatest Hits , Pt . 2 " , and Brian Kenny , Teddy Atlas , and Mr . Sugar are analyzing Tyson 's career . I liked Sugar , because he was so knowledgeable about the sport . I had a chance to meet him once when he came to Chicago to sit at an amateur match . I believe JJ participated in that event . It was late spring / early summer , but I was laid up at home with a cold . My former boss , Les , was always too hard - headed to just stay at home when he got sick . You know , one of those people who think the whole damn office will fall apart because they 're not there . Les would come to work and infect the whole office . It never failed ; I would catch whatever he had , then I 'd be out on my back for two to three days . Then a few years later , I missed out on still having a full - time job because Les decided to resign , which caused a restructuring of the department we were in . Instead of being irritated with Les , perhaps I should thank him the next time I see him . He provided me with a lot of motivation over the years to go hard on the heavy bags after having to spend a lot of eight hour ( and more ) days with him . Posted by I got to the tournament at Gordon Tech High School early on Friday , around 5 : 30 PM . I finally caught up with Rita and got a sticker placed in my coach 's passbook . I was very appreciative of her doing that for me . Before that took place , Rita talked with a young lady who was wearing a pink sweatsuit . She looked familiar . Later , I learned that she was Brandy 's opponent . Barry was there early also with Eric , who had won his prelim match previously . Eric was going to face an opponent in the semi - finals . Eric 's fight was the eighth one of the evening , and Brandy 's fight took place after his . A couple of rounds before , Alan held the pads for Brandy . I asked if he was going to be okay doing that since his hand is still on the mend . " I might start off with the pads , and have you finish up with them , " he told me . In the end , Alan held the pads the entire time , catching Brandy on the right side of her face a few times . " Keep your hands up , " I said . Alan had her doing hooks . " If you hit with those hooks , you 'll knock her out , " Alan said . The picture above is another taken during the time Alan was warming up Brandy . The guy in the shot is Bill , who is the boxing coach at Hamlin . " Meg 's got several women down there to spar with , " Bill told me . Meg is the woman I fought and lost to three times . He also told me that there 's a woman who 's a plus - size model sparring down at his gym . " You should come down there and get some sparring in , " Bill said . I need to go , because I need the practice and the exercise . I told Bill that I would try to make it down to his gym soon . Percy was working the glove table , as usual . He made jokes with both Brandy and Alan when they went to have her wraps checked . Alan picked up a pair of gloves . " If you pick up some gloves again , you and I are going to get into it , " Percy said . Alan said , " I got Hillari here for backup . " " Oops , I forgot , " Percy said , laughing . Brandy couldn 't use her own headgear because it wasn 't regulation . Fortunately , other headgear was available . Alan and I tucked her hair underneath the headgear . Eric hung in there with his opponent , but the hand of the other guy - Javier from Rumi Maki Gym - was raised in victory . No sooner than Eric came out of the ring , Alan , Brandy , and myself walked up to the ring . Dr . Dave , the referee , came over to our corner and gave Brandy a list of instructions . Rita was in the other corner with Vanessa , who fought out of DLG . It was all action from the ringing of the first bell . Basically , Brandy never let up on Vanessa . But that 's not to say that Vanessa was just taking the punches . She was firing back . Vanessa would back Brandy up on the ropes ; Brandy would rally back and set loose a series of punches on her . Brandy caught Vanessa with a straight jab to her face . Vanessa had a grimace on her face , and took a moment to answer Brandy 's punch . Every time it looked like Vanessa was getting the best of the situation , Brandy would push herself to keep swinging . Alan was yelling , " Stay on her ! " each time Brandy would overwhelm Vanessa with punches . I was going to be quiet , like I usually am when I work someone 's corner . But after awhile , I was yelling , " Go ! Go ! Go ! " The crowd was really into their match . They were clapping and cheering , and a big roar would go up at the end of each round . Nick later told us that the crowd was on the edge of their seats . " The people sitting near her dad and I were cheering Brandy on . They were really surprised to learn that was her first fight , " he said . Before the beginning of the third round , Alan told Brandy , " This is your fucking fight ! You can do this ! " Later , Brandy said she was surprised at Alan cursing in the corner . I 've heard him say similar stuff to Professor , Kenny , Carlos , John , and myself in - between rounds of fights . Both Brandy and Vanessa were tired in the third round , but that did not stop either of them from continuing to throw punches . Brandy showed a lot of heart as she kept advancing towards Vanessa . At one point , she had Vanessa in the corner and was pounding on her . The crowd was going wild . When the fight ended , the crowd gave both women a standing ovation . I gave Vanessa a hug when she came over to our corner . " Great fight ! " I said to her . Rita gave a thumbs up when I looked in her direction , and I waved to her . I also waved to Alan R . who was judging from the other side of the ring . The fight was close . The winner was Vanessa . Brandy had no hard feelings . But she was amazed at the damage she took . There was a scratch on her shoulder , probably from Vanessa 's glove rubbing across it . Brandy also slipped and fell during the second round , so there were bruises on her other arm . Under her chin was a bruise , and her bottom lip suffered damaged too . Johnny the promoter shook Alan 's hand and declared , " That was the best fight of the night . " He wasn 't the only one who said that . Most of the people who I talked to and who congratulated Brandy thought she should have won . Alan said Brandy might be declared to be the fighter of the night . We didn 't stick around to see if that came true . Alan went home , and the rest of us went out to eat . Nick , Brandy , Gerry ( Brandy 's dad ) , myself and Sarah went to a bar a few miles away . It was the first time I 'd had a beer in about ten years . I 'm allergic to beer ( the wheat hops mess with my sinuses ) , but I felt the occasion called for a beer . It had been on my mind for some time to have one , anyway . I had a shot of whiskey , and I was amazed how smoothly it went down . I hadn 't had a shot since . . . wow , it must have been nearly thirty years ago . I 've never been that much of a drinker . We talked about the match , and about boxing in general . Then we left the bar and went to a Mexican restaurant down the street for something to eat . Brandy 's father said he was a little concerned about her being in the ring , but when he saw how she was taking care of business , he felt better . Both he and Nick were proud of Brandy 's performance . So was I . Now I can 't wait for the park district tournaments to begin this summer . Brandy could get a lot of fights . Alan had something to do at his day job , so he didn 't get to the gym until after 8 : 00 PM . In the meantime , Professor gave Brandy extra pointers on how to handle herself against her opponent this Friday . He worked with her in the ring . Neither Leon nor Emmanuel came in the gym Wednesday night . Emmanuel had a legit excuse - - he had to work late . I don 't know what happened with Leon . I had my camera ready to take video of their sparring session , too . None of the other guys in the gym , including Art , Tommy and Ray , sparred . Jacob 's back . He 's no longer taking his online classes . It 's not that he couldn 't do it - Jacob 's a smart guy - but it was a lot of work to master the terminology he had to know . So he 's able to train again in the gym . Brandy sparred with Sarah for a few rounds . I took a picture , and seeing how it didn 't look right , I deleted it . Unfortunately , I accidently deleted several other pictures and some videos . I should have taken the camera in to the drug store to download the pictures on CD awhile ago , but I decided to wait . Fortunately , some of the pictures made onto prior blog entries , so I 'll just copy them from there . I also sparred with Brandy . As usual , both Sarah and I took our lumps from Brandy . Sarah 's nose was bloodied up a little , and I took a few shots in the mouth . Brandy threw a left , and instead of slipping right to avoid it , I slipped to the left . Her fist caught me in the chest . That quickly taught me the importance of knowing which way to move . Sarah , Brandy and I did a burn out on the heavy bag afterwards . When I get tired of throwing straight punches when it 's my turn on the bag , I throw hooks instead . I sure wish I could throw hooks in the ring as good as people say I throw them onto the bag . Ray was telling the guys , " Hillari is really throwing those hooks . It 's all in how she uses her hips . " The guys encouraged Brandy to hit the bag as hard as she could . Indeed , they all were giving Brandy a lot of advice to use during her upcoming bout . Alan mentioned me bringing along my chest protector on Friday to the Gloves . " But I don 't want to wear it , " Brandy said . Alan told her she may need it just in case . I was thinking about the wild punches I saw her opponent throw on that YouTube video . Perhaps the chest protector will help ward off the effects of some of those punches . Looks like my coach 's license problem will be solved . When I show up at the Gloves on Friday , Rita told me to find her and she 'll take care of it . I 'm glad because I didn 't want to not be able to work Brandy 's corner because I didn 't have the license in hand . Posted by There was a nice crowd in the gym on Monday : Professor , Brandy , Amy , Sarah , Emmanuel , Israel , the two Pauls ( Alan 's boss at his day job and the other Paul who 's been in a few sessions before ) , Ray and Leon . It took me awhile to get focused and get into the workout . A helpful government worker told me today that since I 'm single and childfree , I can 't expect any help in the way of resources . If you 've been reading this for awhile , you know I was laid off four years ago this month , and have been underemployed every since . Fortunately , I was raised mostly by a woman who was a kid during the Great Depression , and I learned a little about making dollars stretch . But stretching only goes so far before things start to fray and break . I forced myself to tone down my sarcasm this morning while talking to the government worker . Having worked a few decades ago in government office , I know sarcasm doesn 't work with government employees , neither does screaming and yelling . I could have gone to work this morning instead of wasting my time answering a bunch of questions that wasn 't going to help me get anywhere . I had to keep my mind on the fact that I would be in the gym later in the day , and I could take out my frustrations on the equipment . The ladies were at it again as Brandy , Sarah , and myself took turns sparring each other . I sparred one round with Sarah , and two rounds with Brandy . Emmanuel was watching Brandy closely . " She 's got to get in there and mix it up with Sarah , " he said , and I agreed . Then Brandy threw punches that backed Sarah up in the corner a few times . Alan was waiting ringside with a towel , because Sarah 's nose was bloodied up again . Ray was impressed with Brandy . " I remember when she first came in here , and I was showing her footwork in the corner . Now she 's in the Gloves , man , " he was telling some of the other guys . " I 'm proud of her . It 's like I 'm sending a niece off to college ! " Leon arrived in the middle of the evening . But good natured joking around turned into an argument after Leon sparred with Emmanuel . Leon accused Emmanuel of taking advantage in the ring and sucker punching him . I didn 't see what happened at the end of their sparring session . Israel was holding the heavy bag for me , and I was concentrating on getting shots off . But I heard some uproar coming out of the ring . Alan and Ray tried to be the voices of reason . " Come on , man , show sportsmanship ! " Ray kept saying to Leon . Emmanuel didn 't really lose his cool much , but Leon was going on and on . Roland , an 8th grader I 'm acquainted with , and a friend of his came in the gym before the sparring ended , and they stuck around for the debate that followed . Leon told Emmanuel he would be back in on Wednesday to show who 's the better man in the ring . " Hillari , are you going to bring your camera ? Good , because I want you to record it , " Leon said to me . The situation reminded me of Leon fussing with Ray a few months ago over whether or not Leon had been hit or slipped during their sparring session . Ray shook his head after Leon left . " He always does this , " he said . I had the TV on this morning to check the weather , and I landed on the Antennae TV channel . I was surprised to catch a " Mr . Magoo " short . I hadn 't seen that cartoon in years . As I was laughing at the character 's antics , I thought , " I 'm going to stop complaining about how nearsighted I am . " The running joke of that cartoon was that Mr . Magoo is extremely nearsighted and not aware that he badly needed glasses . Because of his eyesight , the fellow was not aware of whom he was really around and where he was at , which at times was very dangerous . The short I saw had Mr . Magoo thinking he was at Rutgers for a college reunion , but he was actually at a zoo . Speaking of eyesight , this morning Brandy said she would not wear her contacts while competing . Alan told her that she needs to get used to not wearing them in the gym , so she can learn how to gauge the distance of her opponent . I can see well enough without my glasses to see an opponent in front of me , as well as see the incoming punches . But everything 's still blurry , so I have to pay close attention . Alan sparred with Brandy for a couple of rounds . He told her that she had to " get mean " with her opponents . He got her several times with shots to the stomach . She got in a few good jabs and straight rights on him . I noticed that he was getting her with a lot of rights to her head because Brandy wasn 't protecting her head enough on that side . After their last round , Alan joked to me that he had softened her up for me . If he did , it wasn 't by much . I took some rough jabs on my mouth a couple of times . The second time could have easily been a knockout . I backed up stunned and stumbling , but I managed to shake the effects off to keep going . Brandy 's hooks are very good ; a right hook got me in my left temple , and my brain whirled around for a moment before I regained composure . We sparred for three rounds . " Do you like Saturday morning workouts ? " he asked me after all the sparring was over . " Yes , I do . If I don 't have much to do on Saturdays , I 'll lay in the bed until noon or one o ' clock . Then I 'll fuss at myself because I didn 't get a lot done . This helps me get out of bed , " I told him . Brandy and I did a burn - out on the bags , but I could only do one round . Last week , my right arm was bothering me . This week , my left arm was acting funny . Alan , as seen in the picture above , held the bag for Brandy as she did a second round of burn - out . Basically , we have Monday and Wednesday to practice before the Gloves this upcoming Friday . I still don 't have my coach 's license . Maybe I should have signed up online instead of renewing it in person . But I don 't think it would have made much of a difference . I believe Alan signed up online , and he was delayed in receiving his . But at least he got it . Mine is floating somewhere . My allergies were bugging me big time on Wednesday . Paulette dropped me off at Walgreens , and I picked up some allergy meds that worked a little too well . Before I went inside the apartment , I talked with Ginny , a neighbor of mine from across the street . " Hillari , you 're nuts , " she laughed , when I told her about the hit I had taken from Brandy on Monday . In a more concerned tone , she told me that I shouldn 't spar on that evening . Ginny 's old enough to be my mother . " Remember , " she grinned , " I 'm your elder , so you have to listen to me ! " I dropped off to sleep when I got home , and when I woke up , it was way after the time I should have left for the gym . I hustled down there and arrived ten minutes late . " There she is , " Alan said when I stumbled in . " We were worried about you , " Brandy said . I warmed up on the speed bag , and knew instantly that I was in no shape to spar Wednesday evening . The allergy meds left me groggy , null , and void . I wasn 't focusing well . Fortunately , Professor worked with Brandy . Next , Sarah and Brandy sparred . I was moving very slow , and not doing much of a workout , so I stayed close to ringside to watch . The still photo below is from Brandy and Sarah 's sparring session . Alan kept telling Brandy to stay on Sarah each time she got on the inside . Brandy has to do that against her opponent next Friday , because from the clips we saw on her , Brandy 's opponent is a bit aggressive . Alan asked Tommy again if he wanted to get in on the sparring with the girls . He grinned as he told Alan , " Give me five months ! " Sarah and Brandy had just finished sparring , and Tommy told Professor and Israel , " See why I don 't get into the ring with the women ? They 're rough ! " Alan added , " Yeah , they bang each other when they 're in there . " I called Bob again , as suggested by Alan , to see about getting my coach 's license faster . Bob told me that the licences had been given out at the time people signed up for them . I told him that I had been told mine would be mailed before the start of the Golden Gloves . To double check , just in case my mind had a senior moment ( like it 's been doing from time to time since menopause started ) , I looked in the place in my apartment where I usually keep my boxing licences . It wasn 't there . Bob told me he would look into it . I laid in bed all day long on Sunday , missing church because I felt run down . I didn 't go to work Monday morning because I still didn 't feel any better . I laid in the bed for most of the day , got up to rant about various things on Facebook , and ate a little . After awhile , I felt well enough to go to the gym . But maybe I should have reconsidered . I 'll explain in a minute . Professor brought a buddy of his named Israel to the gym with him . Brandy came in not long afterwards , followed by Alan and his boss at his day job , Paul . Amy and Sarah were also in attendance . Joe , the guy whom Leon led to believe that Leon was a coach down at the gym , came in briefly . He had his gloves , and he hit the speed bag for one round . I overheard him asking Alan about signing up again he left . I thought it was odd that Joe did such a brief workout . Earlier , Brandy sent me a YouTube clip of the woman who 'll be her opponent at the Gloves . I was a bit concerned to learn that her opponent is a Muay Thai fighter . The clip was of a bout she had out in Hoffman Estates . Like a lot of Muay Thai , kickboxing , and MMA fighters , her punches were not very strong . She was throwing a lot of wild punches , tiring out easily , and clinching a lot . Her opponent knocked her down with kicks three or four times , indicating that the woman 's balance may not be that great . The woman lost that fight . Alan saw the clip via Sarah 's cell phone . " Brandy 's got to get in on her right away and dig with her punches , " he said . Brandy and I suited up for sparring after a few rounds of loosening up by shadow boxing and bag work . As soon as the bell rang , Brandy was on me like white on rice . I tried to keep the action in the middle , but I got pushed back to the ropes several times . I didn 't time - - or throw - - my overhand rights correctly , and Brandy telegraphed them . When I was inside a few times , I was able to get off a series of hooks to the body , but not for long , as Brandy danced out of the line of fire . I thought I was covering up well , even though I caught a few to my nose and left eye . How wrong I was . Brandy came in with a right . Israel later said it was a right uppercut . Bam ! Her fist got me on the chin . I stepped back , thinking I would shake it off . Instead , I fell face forward onto the canvas . " I 'm sorry ! " I heard Brandy say from a distance . " Are you okay ? " Alan said from his spot ringside . I put my hands under my head and rested on them . " I 'm fine , " I said , as I closed my eyes . " Just stay there , " Alan ordered . A moment later , Alan was helping me to my fe t . Brandy looked on in sho k . " That 's how you have to fight when you 're in the ring , " he told h r . " That 's exactly how you have to punch your opponent , " I said , while trying to get my balance on shaky le s . The round wasn 't over yet , but Alan told me to come out of the ring for the rest of the eveni g . I took my gear off and sat on a stool in front of my locker for a couple of roun s . Alan kept asking me throughout the rest of the evening if I felt ok y . I wondered for a minute if the hit I took was payback for not going to church and not going to wo Sarah suited up and got into the ring with Brandy next . Brandy bloodied Sarah 's nose up , not once but three times . I forgot to mention that the last time they sparred , Sarah 's nose was bleeding , too . I was amazed because Sarah is much taller than both Brandy and I . Brandy had to reach up to do that damage . Alan was very pleased with both Brandy and Sarah 's work in the ring . Professor had Israel , Brandy , and Paul in the ring throwing around the medicine ball . When someone missed catching it , they first had to do push ups in between . Then Professor had them doing burpees which are much harder to do . We finished up doing burn outs on the heavy bags for two rounds . Alan tried to get everybody to do a third round and everybody said , " No ! " Some of us were dead tired afterwards . I didn 't look at my face before leaving the gym , so I checked it when I got home . Didn 't notice any damage . My bottom lip was dry , and I thought I felt a lump on it . As soon as I touched it , my lip bled . That may have been a delayed reaction to the punch I took earlier . I pressed a piece of toilet paper to the cut , then sighed , as I realized I would have to order in again because there 's wasn 't much food in the ' fridge . Posted by After Alan dropped me off near my apartment this morning , I went to get breakfast because I hadn 't eaten yet . While reading the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly , I saw that " Tennessee Tuxedo and His Tales " , a cartoon I watched on Saturday mornings in 1963 ( yes , I told my age again ) , has finally been released on DVD . It was a struggle to crawl out of bed early this morning , something I had no problem doing when I was a kid . The three major networks started the cartoons on Saturday at 6 : 00 AM . I was planted in front of the TV in my pajamas with a bowl of cereal in my hands until noon . I fought with my younger sister and brother about what we were going to watch . I usually won . I miss those days . I still find it outrageous that NBC now runs an extra edition of the " Today " show on Saturdays in place of cartoons . If we were back in the 1960s and early 1970s , I would have been whining this morning , " But I 'll miss my cartoons ! " while on my way to the gym . But truthfully , I needed the extra workout as much as Brandy needed the extra practice . Brandy and I were outside the field house doors when Mary opened up . Mary was surprised to see me . " I usually don 't see you here today , " she said . I explained that Alan was coming in to open the gym . He had thought about doing a workout alongside us , but then he figured in that he had to go to temple afterwards . Brandy had gone to the Golden Gloves this past Thursday to check out the scene . She made some very good observations about the fighters who competed . " Some were standing there slumped down in the middle of the first round . I knew they had already lost . Others were waiting to get one good punch in to end the fight instead of throwing enough punches , " she said . She enjoyed her time down there that night . Brandy discovered that there are only four women signed up in her weight class . All she has to do is win her first fight , then the second one will the one for the championship . Alan smiled , " We 're in ! They can give us the belt now . " We were in the gym for a little over an hour . Brandy and I sparred for three good rounds . I was popped in the stomach a few times . The first time I took such a hit , I went " oof ! " , doubled over a little , and stepped back and away . " When somebody has that reaction after taking that type of a hit , " Alan told Brandy , " stay on them . " I rushed Brandy with a mix of punches , and twice she grabbed my arms to stop me . " That was the first time I saw you grab someone twice , " Alan told her . There was a few times when I rushed forward , and Brandy let me get too close . " It 's based on points , so you can 't let someone get too many hits in . Grab her to stop them , " Alan instructed . After the second round , Alan asked who was sighing after the bell rang . " It was probably the old woman , " I said , referring to me . Brandy and I worked the heavy bags after sparring , then we did a burn out for two rounds . My right arm was crying after the first round of that , but I pushed on through the second round . Still haven 't received my new coach 's passbook yet . But I 'm assuming the fire I lit under the post office yesterday worked because I did receive my other mail . Late Thursday afternoon , a postal carrier had the nerve to tell another neighbor and I that she would not deliver mail on Friday , and maybe not Saturday either . Workmen in my apartment building are remodeling the front lobby . Conditions aren 't dangerous enough to prevent anyone from walking through the lobby . Plus , the mailboxes have now been moved right next to the front door . The postal carrier doesn 't have to come that far into the building anymore to deliver mail . What , was she worried about dust getting on her clothes ? I resented the fact that the postal carrier felt they could make a judgement call about whether or not to deliver property that belongs to me . I sent an email to the post office , put in a call to them , and informed the building 's management company . Posted by Amy , Brandy , myself , Melinda , and Sarah were in the gym Wednesday evening . Outside of Alan , the only other guys were Igor ( who left early as usual ) and Tommy . A woman who planned to sign up for the Spring session in April was at the front desk when I came in . Gilberto told me that he had showed her the gym the day before , probably when Barry and the youths were there . She took another look and stayed around awhile to observe what went on . Brandy and I gave her information about the class . I emphasized that sparring was an option , not a requirement . I make a point of doing that especially when women come in , because most of them usually say they do not want to engage in contact . She said she was only interested in the workout . Hopefully , she 'll return in a few weeks . Alan sparred with Brandy for three rounds , and the coach was up to his usual tricks . He backed her against the ropes and I called out to her , " Hold him ! " so Brandy could slow down his momentum . It 's not easy , as Alan is taller ( as are most of the men in the gym ) than all of the women , and he has a longer reach . He caught her with something , and one of her contacts fell out . " Can you see without them ? " I asked , and she shook her head no . I sparred with Brandy , Sarah , and Melinda for a total of five rounds . I hadn 't sparred for that many rounds in a long time . The last time was with Keith , and it 's been a few years since he was attending the gym on a regular basis . Melinda said that she doesn 't block shots to her body well , but I didn 't get many in . She would leap away most times when I tried to get them in . Sarah and I went light for the most part . My last round with Brandy was the third one we had together that night . Alan kept admonishing her to keep her hands up and to throw her punches fully out and with force . I threw a right hook that connected hard . I could hear Tommy going , " Whoa ! " Brandy answered my hook with several hard straight punches and hooks . " Now you 're fighting back ! " Alan told her . Then the round turned into a mini war that lasted practically up until the last bell rang . I got backed up into the ropes by a barrage of punches from Brandy . After overcoming being overwhelmed for a moment , I came back with another series of hard hooks and an overhand right that got another surprised reaction out of Tommy . Brandy kept coming forward with a never - ending flurry of straight punches . The more I spar with Brandy , the more I feel confident that she will effectively take on her opponents at the Golden Gloves . It was just Brandy , Amy , myself , Tommy , and of course , Alan , in the gym last night . A guy named Joe who knows Leon came in briefly to check the place out . Joe said that Leon gave him the impression that he was a coach there . Alan and I chuckled and shook our heads . Brandy and I sparred for four rounds . Whenever I stepped in and put pressure on by throwing flurries of punches , Alan would intruct her , " fight back ! " , which she did . Brandy has to watch out for that , because that 's exactly how many of the women she will face at the Golden Gloves will operate . I had to check myself for throwing too many right hooks to the body too often . Brandy saw those punches coming , and nine times out of ten , she quickly avoided them . I put too much energy into throwing those hooks , and I would turn myself around and get off balance . I do that too much while throwing straight rights , as well . Then I 'm open , and it 's easy for someone to step in , pop me , and step back out . When I got home later , I noticed the same spots that Brandy usually catches me - - the sides and the ribs - - were hurting again . They still feel that way today . I groaned as I poured myself a cup of cider in the Pastor 's office this morning . I don 't feel the effects of the punch she landed dead in the middle of my torso - - yet . That was a good solid punch . If she catches her opponents with that one , they will have no choice but to back up . If Brandy really times that punch right , they 'll be on one knee on the canvas . I didn 't go down , but I did fold over for a minute . Brandy is now at her exact weight for the Golden Gloves . She did admit to eating several donuts and some chocolate earlier in the day . Donuts and sweet rolls were my breakfast of choice back in the day . I often wish I could go back to that . Alan suggested that she not eat that stuff . " I had a Shamrock Shake during lunch , " I confessed . " Well , you 're not trying to make weight for the Gloves , " he said . " But you should yell at me anyway for having a shake because of my diabetes , " I said . Alan gave me a look . " Yeah , you have to watch out for that , " he said . Alan brought up the conversation about me applying for a coach 's job again last night . I 'll have to craft a good cover letter to plead my case to the Chicago Park District , as well as to private boxing gyms in the area . That would be a great job for me , even if it was only part - time . I 've been trying to figure out a way to make money in boxing for awhile . Of course , I couldn 't do it via being a fighter ; I often wish I started boxing when I was sixteen , as opposed to being darn near 40 years old . But there are other positions to be had in boxing , and coaching is one of them . Running a web site about it is another , which is another angle I 've been pursuing . Some who read this blog have wondered , " You 're always mentioning the church you attend / work at and the fact that the pastor 's not exactly a fan of boxing . . . who is he and what does he look like ? " Earlier today , I tried to sneak and take a photo of Pastor Bolander , but he slipped out of the way . Needless to say , that picture didn 't look right . " I don 't want to take any pictures until I 've lost some pounds , " he said . " Pastor , you sound just like some women who say they want to lose weight before they 'll join a gym , " I laughed . " Amen , sister ! " he chuckled ( and he made sure I deleted that picture , LOL ) . But he did tell me that I could use a Christmas portrait of him , his wife Virginia , and their bundle of energy , Isaac ( otherwise known as Bam Bam ) , on the blog . |
I already posted part one and you can find that post here . As I said in the last post , Momma and I thought it would be fun to go to supposedly haunted places and take pictures / videos . We 're not saying ghosts exist and we 're not saying they don 't . That is for you to decide . We only went because Halloween is coming up and we had nothing else to do . All I could find was that a nine year old little boy died in the park on a summer day , from an accidental fall , so the park was dedicated to him . People say that you can specifically hear him in the forest around the park but he 's never been seen . We couldn 't go over there because of all the wasps . In the video , it 's basically Mom and I goofing off . For the record , when I was on the monkey bars , I had already been hanging from them before she took the video and kind of swinging back and forth . I must have grabbed them the wrong way during the video because they tore up my hands ( the left one so bad , blood was almost drawn ) as you can see by the second picture of hands ( the first was Mom 's ) . The house was actually on the same street as the park , maybe about half a mile apart . We noticed it on the way and thought it was really creepy looking . On the way back , I saw a for sale sign , and we decided to go up and check it out . As much searching as I did , I found basically nothing on the history of the house . It 's in a good neighborhood ( unless you count a shitton of thefts good , because there are a lot of thefts there ) and it 's pricing was an average of the houses around it . I could not find good details on the inside though . I found everything from two bedrooms to five bedrooms and one bathroom to two bathrooms . The only other thing I found , was that it was built in the 60 's . Mom didn 't join me on the porch because a roach ran out , fell of the step , and landed on it 's head . I didn 't see it so it must have been close to the bushes . That 's the scariest thing I 've found , history wise and everything . You know what ? Still looks like a horror movie house . We got lost on the way to the mill . We 're pretty sure that we never found it , just the water tower to it . What matched the address was just an empty lot . The history of the mill is very simple . It was built in 1891 and burned down in 1991 . It is supposedly haunted by a man who died cleaning the smoke stacks shortly after it was built and by a homeless man who lived there before the mill burned down . People claim to hear them walking around , especially at night . To be more clear about the whole cop thing , we had been driving around that neighborhood for about five minutes , just going in circles , before the video even started . It 's the type of neighborhood with crazy neighborhood watch who will call the cops on weird vehicles driving around . Not only that , but the cop was following us around . We kept seeing him randomly through the streets . Mom said since she had money in her pocket , she would have been arrested for trying to buy drugs , and since I was in a dress , I would have been a hooker . My mom called me a hooker . Awesome . For Halloween , Momma and I thought it would be fun to go to some supposedly haunted places and take pictures and videos . We 're not saying ghosts exist and we 're not saying they don 't . You guys get to be the judge of that and tell me what you think . We did it for fun , because Halloween is coming up and it 's my favorite holiday . And also , because we had nothing else to do . The first place we were , is a supposedly haunted playground , right across from a cemetery . I didn 't do a very good job getting the bird 's eye view of it , because there were several families in and out of the park . Basically , the parking lot is up on a hill above the playground about 15 - 25 feet , maybe more . There is plain , open space , where we took nearly all of the pictures that is surrounded by cliffs that were really fucking huge and the woods . Going down the concrete steps , there was the playground straight in front and an area where I took some pictures ( right before the first video ) . Imagine a tall waterfall and falls into a small circular pond . Now take the water away and let it get over grown with grass and trees and stuff . That 's what it looks like . I did keep finding were stories about how the playground was destroyed in 2007 , literally over night , to increase the area of the cemetery . Apparently , people were pissed the fuck off because they had to rebuild it , with new equipment . That is what has been proven . I honestly have no idea if any of the legends are true or not . I know what I 've been told , but that doesn 't make it true , so I 'm just repeating the stories for ya 'll . Some of the legends are that the children from the cemetery are the ones who haunt the playground . Some people say that children were abducted in the 1960 's and their bodies were found at the playground while others say children were abducted from the playground in the 1980 's . One person even told me that a fourteen year old boy was climbing on the cliffs and fell to his death . The park closes an hour after sundown but people still go and say that it is most active between 10 : 00pm and 3 : 00am . There have been actual reports of children laughing , swings moving on their own , orbs of light captured in pictures ( especially around the slide ) . Supposedly , some people who professionally investigate this kind of stuff went to the park and caught a picture of a little girl , but the link that was supposed to take me to the picture didn 't work . It was unreasonably cold while we were in the playground but that 's probably because we had just left the heated car and it was really windy . Some of my pictures were blurry because my camera kept acting up and not wanting to take pictures . I did play on the swings and Momma took a video on my camera , but honestly , it just disappeared . We don 't know why it didn 't save . And finally , in the last area of pictures and in the first video , I talk about growling up the cliff and in the trees . There was a guy with a really huge dog that walked in the cemetery and he might live in a house right there , but honestly , I have no idea . We weren 't going to get close enough to see because getting mauled by a giant dog doesn 't sound fun . The original two acres of land were donated in 1822 . It as over one hundred acres of land ( both donated and sold to the city by many people ) and has over 80 , 000 burials ( though there are so many unmarked graves , nobody can be certain ) . The oldest part of the cemetery is so old , that there are many illegible tombstones and the earliest one that can be read is of an infant girl in 1820 . The same man who sold the first original land , expanded the land , to include two acres that his family is buried on . There indications that the land was used as a burial ground before it was given to the city . The dates are also uncertain because of how old the tombstones are and the dates inscribed on them . Supposedly , at one of the mausoleums , an older woman sits in a rocking chair . We found a few mausoleums and many above ground tombs , but nothing really weird happened . We walked it one end from the other ( though we did stop at one point because my legs were still tingly and my knees still hurt from when I fell and I had to retie my shoes ) . We couldn 't find the Civil War soldiers though , but we probably walked passed them without realizing it or completely missed them , since that 's a lot of land to cover . We have another birthday to celebrate ! Damn I 've done a lot of birthday posts lately . But today is Mercedes ' 23rd birthday ! Considering she told everyone on Facebook that she 's " turning old today " , I thought I might just use that as the title since I 'm creative like that . That would make a wonderful birthday present for her and she totally deserves it , so you can call in those donations at 1 - 800 - Fix - The - Monster - In - Law . I know , it 's a long number , I 'm sorry . But it will totally be worth it since she has to deal with her on her birthday . You could probably also donate alcohol to Mercedes and her husband , but you 'll have to talk to them about it . Anyways , Mercedes , I wish I were there to celebrate your birthday with you and to keep the bitch in law off your back for at least today . I hope she doesn 't stop you from having a good birthday but I 'll make it up to you either way . Maybe I 'll buy you that monkey you want . Or a stuffed one since I don 't know where to buy a real monkey . Before you read this , please note that I am not proof reading this ( lol like I ever do ) and that I am on some pretty heavy medication and have a concussion and am using Mom 's work computer so I 'm not used to this keyboard . You 'll have to excuse the extra stupidity but I swear all this happened . But you should read it because it 's fucking crazy . It started off early last week . I don 't remember the day exactly , but I remember having a hard time with the post about my nineteenth birthday because I was feeling really sick . Nausea , headache , stomachache , exhaustion , sore throat . . . But I wasn 't actually sick . It went on like this for two days . I think . It might have been three , but I don 't remember . Wednesday night , while I was writing about my kitten and fucked up dreams ( and then posting it after midnight ) , my computer was running it 's weekly virus scan . Let me explain how this works . I used Defender Pro before I got internet on my laptop ( I hooked up to free wifi before people put passwords on it ) but then we actually had to pay for internet and Norton came with it . Eventually , about four months ago , Defender Pro expired and when I tried to buy more , it wouldn 't download . Since I had Norton , I was only pissed about spending the extra money but didn 't think anything of it . Then on Thursday morning , when the scan finally finished , it said I had two Trojan viruses . Normally , the scan could get rid of them . Except that it won 't when it 's expired ; it 'll just find them . Any comments I have left on your blogs since then , have been from my phone . I 'm using Mom 's work computer for this post because her boss gave me permission and isn 't here , and I need to stay awake . Anything from Twitter or Facebook ( for those few of you who have me on there ) has all been from my phone . This is the first time I 've been on the computer so I 'm sorry about typos and all that shit but the screen is really tiny on my phone . Momma called the computer fixer people to pick up my laptop and we 're on the waiting list , but we don 't know when they 'll be able to fix it . Later on Thursday , I discovered that one of my ear piercings ( which I had for over a year and only left the earring out for three days ) had closed up . While I was pissed about that , my " Godmother " called and said that I had an interview at 2 PM the next day where I 've been trying to get a job for the past couple months ( but I had to be 19 and then they waited almost a whole month to call back - turns out they lost my application ) . Fuck . But also yay . Friday , Momma and I followed Mr Fix - It to the restaurant for my interview . Since I can 't drive , Mom needs to know where I 'll be so that I can have three different rides . I 'm supposed to stay on Mr Fix - It 's schedule since he lives down the road from me and he 's their favorite person ever , but if he gets sick or I have to trade shifts or pick up a shift or whatever , I need an extra back - up ride . So we went . The interview went great . I had to fill out a new application and I was supposed to talk to a different manager instead of the owner ( like last time ) but that manager never showed up . So I talked to the lady manager , after waiting for nearly an hour . She barely looked over my application and then told me I needed to get the uniform and what to get exactly and then shook my hand and said , " Welcome aboard . I 'm not the trainer so I 'll call you when I know when training will start next week . " Momma and I left , since Mr Fix - It had to start work . We went to the store and got the belt and socks I needed , since they were right there where we could easily get to it without looking . We also got other stuff but I can 't remember what . I do know that we went to the bank . Then we went out to eat ; both because were celebrating that I got a job and we didn 't want to cook . By the time we got back home , I had to drive because it was dark ( on a super curvy road I 've never driven before and I 've never driven in the dark - but hey , I didn 't swerve ) . Let me explain . . . The Big Dog is roughly 115 - 120 pounds . I have no idea how much I weigh . Most people are guessing 120ish . Last time I was on a scale , it was somewhere between 130 - 140 . He is almost as big as I am in height and weight . His chain outside is a logging chain 3 / 4 inches thick because he broke everything smaller . As I was bending down to plug the lamp back it , he jumped onto the couch . I got knocked in the head and the world went fuzzy and dark for a minute , but I caught myself before I fell . If any of you have had a legit glycemic crash when you 're about to pass out but catch yourself , you 'll know what I 'm talking about . If not , it was something like in the movies when there 's an explosion and it gets blurry and stuff . That was around 6 : 30 ( almost exactly three hours after the interview ) . After that , my head was still hurting and things were a little blurry , but I tried to ignore it . I even took a shower and ate and stuff . But around the time Momma was going to bed , between 11 and 12 , things started to get worse fast . I couldn 't focus my eyes . It was as blurry as when I was hit in the head . I saw in triple vision . I thought I was going to throw up . It was hard to think and even a little hard to speak . So we called Shorty to take me to the emergency room since Mom is night blind and she was drunk . On the way out to the car , I had almost no balance and I was so dizzy and things were spinning so much , I bumped my head getting into the car . Which kind of defeated the purpose , but we got there eventually . On the way , I sent Sissi and Wolfy texts to tell them I was going to the ER , but I don 't remember what I told them . I don 't think I was very clear and I remember a lot of typos . Getting out of the car , when we finally got there , the security guard put me in a wheelchair because I couldn 't really keep myself up anymore . Some nurse dude tried to make me fill out my paper work . First of all , I 've never filled out my own emergency room paperwork before . That 's something I 'm still learning . Secondly , I was there for a head injury . I almost forgot how to spell my name and I could barely see what I was writing . . But eventually Mom was able to empty her pockets and come through and fill things out for me . A lady nurse with pretty hair hooked me up to a machine to check my heart and pulse and stuff . Then she asked a bunch of questions but I think Mom had to answer most of them . I remember not knowing my weight and her asking if I was depressed ( Mom said no , I tried to correct her but I think they discussed it more before deciding to put " not diagnosed ; experiences depression episodes " or something like that ) and then Mom reminding me I have Sissi , and " a loving boyfriend " , and Brother and I smiled a bunch . We ended up in a room and they made me put on a hospital gown . Mom had to help me . The nurses left and Shorty closed her eyes , but I couldn 't dress myself . Then they had me pee in a cup for a pregnancy test ( and also for drugs and alcohol but they don 't tell you that ) . Mom got pissed and decided to tell the entire hospital it 's not possible for me to be pregnant and for some reason , I thought that was one of the funniest things ever . I laid down and almost blacked out . Then the nurse hooked me back up to a heart monitor . By throwing the gown up and putting her hands up the gown . ( To anyone in the hospital I flashed , I 'm really sorry . I didn 't know she was going to do that and it scared the fucking shit out of me . To my boyfriend , blame the nurse because that was really stupid and bitchy of her . To the nurse , fuck you for that . ) Then I don 't remember a lot . There were a lot more questions and a lot were the same but it was a different nurse . I had a hard time focusing and I don 't remember much . I think I was a bit more lucid because I was laying down but I remember even less about this part . I do know that I was absolutely fucking terrified . Mom went and got water and I was pretty mean about , " Don 't drink my water " but only because she had been drinking and ew . Nurses basically left me alone and I was shaking a lot . The heart monitor was kind of fascinating . And I remember practically losing my mind wanting to text Wolfy and Sissi . Mom and Shorty made me laugh some . After being there for hours , they shined lights in my eyes and then told me they thought it was a mild concussion . I remember that part pretty clearly . The doctor was standing over me . He held out one hand and said , " Some concussions can turn you into a vegetable , where you 'll never really wake up and you 're unable to do anything " then he held the other hand about six inches away and said , " Some concussions will make you a little dizzy and give you a headache " then he moved the first hand towards the second hand but left about an inch of space and said , " I think you 're closer to the mild version but we 're going to do a catscan to make sure nothing is serious . " And so , I got a catscan . The guy who pushed the bed went really fast and even with the rails up , I thought I was going to throw up and fall over . I couldn 't remember if a catscan was just a head thing or if it was a full body thing , so I asked if it was bad that I 'm claustrophobic He told me no , it 's okay , because as long as I stay still for a minute then it 'll be over and it 's only my head and I can still see . I had to get myself onto the table and lay down . They strapped me down around my stomach , which honestly didn 't help the whole claustrophobic thing , and my head went into the machine . It moved over me a few times with really bright lights and sounded like a plane taking off . All I remember doing was praying because I was shaking so badly , that it honestly looked like I was having a seizure . Then it was over and he took me back to my room . I was still shaking a bit by the time we got back to the room but the doctor said that the test results were good . Nothing was seriously wrong , just a pretty bad bump to the head . He also told me he was going to put me on two medications . One medication is twice a day for seven days to prevent inflammation and the other is a mix of two medications and caffeine for the pain , which I take every four hours as needed until I run out ( there are 20 pills ) . Let me tell you this , these medications are mother fucking strong . After what felt like forever , I was finally released at 4 something in the morning . After all the drama with Mom getting pissed for them wanting to make sure I 'm not knocked up , they left it in the room and never tested it . Which kind of pissed me off because that was not an easy task to pull off when I couldn 't even stand up right . They made me walk out even though Mom ( with her screwed up neck ) was supporting me , but she 's also like 100 pounds . Or 15 pounds . I 'm not really sure . Then the security guards asked how I was . Shorty tried to make me go in the elevator to get to the car , that she had parked after dropping me at the entrance . I started crying and refused . So she went and got the car and left us there . They protected my head when I got in the car and we got home around 4 : 30 . Saturday , we went to get my prescriptions at WalMart and I found out that they don 't sell nose rings at that one ( I wanted a clear / silver one instead of a purple one ) which kinda sucked because I saw one before with the stone shaped like a little butterfly and it was awesome . We went to lunch afterwards so I could take it and she told the owner ( who escorted us to our table and helped me avoid stairs ) that I had " a concussion by dog " and then told me and him that I 'm the " Concussionator " . We went and found out that the piercers at the tattoo place weren 't there ( we were out and I was already in pain , I decided why not ) . Things got really confusing and foggy after that . I know we went and bought dinner and people kept glaring at me because I was falling so much . We went to Sonic and Mom bought ice and told the lady who works there about me . She saw a picture of The Big Dog and freaked out like " THAT IS A REALLY BIG ACCIDENT " and I thought that was fucking hilarious . Then we went back to the park . I think I may have been in and out of consciousness because there are a lot of missing pieces , but we stopped by and saw Shorty and I told her I owe her a hug and there was a lot of hysterical laughter . Then we saw our neighbor outside who owes me money for watching his dog and wants me to watch her again this weekend and I was like , " Well I 'll watch her if you actually pay me " and that was pretty bitchy . Turns out he got confused and didn 't know he owed me money . Oops . Then we went home and I think I passed out . At one point , I woke up for a while and took a shower . Momma gave me shower rules . Keep the water temperature evened out . Don 't flip my hair to put in the conditioner . Don 't shave my legs . I was allowed to use a lightsaber but I don 't even have one and I don 't really understand the movies anyways . The shower went fine but when I was sitting down to get into bed , I managed to wack my head again . Figures . It hurt like a mother fucker . Sunday , I was a little less . . . drugged . Momma told me that the lady manager called Saturday night and wanted me to start Sunday , but Mom just said I was sleeping and we didn 't have time to get my uniforms yet ( all true ) , so I 'm scheduled for Thursday through Saturday instead . But we had to get my uniforms on her day off so we did . It took us three different stores to get everything and I 'm almost certain that anyone who wants to start working there must have to take out a loan on their house just to get the clothes , but we managed to get it done . The lady at the shoe store was asking why I kept falling so we told her and she thought it was hilarious until she realized we were serious . Then everyone within a 30 foot radius told me to wear the no - slip shoes out so I wouldn 't hit my head again . In the last store , we had to get in an elevator to go downstairs . I prefer stairs or an escalator , or an elevator I can see out of . But we were stuck in a tiny one that I couldn 't see anything . So I almost had a panic attack . Then we had to get back in it to go upstairs . Both trips knocked me so off balance that I thought I needed a wheelchair again . The tattoo shop was open and the piercers were there so we went inside and had the same lady from last year ( who did my second ear lobe piercings and my nose ) redo my closed up piercing ( which hurt more than the first time ) and put a matching earring in the other ear since I don 't know how to change that type of earring . We also bought a silvery / clear nose ring and had her put it in my nose ( which hurt more than actually getting it pierced ) . Here is a link of earrings similar to mine . It has a little ball on both sides though and you have to take one off to get it through the piercing hole . We went out to Chinese after that and everyone kept glaring at me . I 'm not even kidding . I took another pain pill and people kept looking at me like I was like the devil incarnate or something . I don 't know why . I was nice to everyone even though I didn 't speak unless I had to . I didn 't even walk much ; I had Mom do it because carrying hot soup while heavily medicated with a nasty concussion isn 't a good thing to do . Then we went home and I don 't remember too much after that . I took a shower and kept hitting my ears . They were both sore and it seemed to be the target of a lot of pain . My nose was pretty sore too but I was smarter about that . Then I braided my hair so it wouldn 't get all tangled in the hoops . This morning , Mom woke me up and we went to her work . She called the computer people . I think I already said that . A lot of people ask how I am and I answer with , " Last week or in general ? " and tell them I 'm fine in general but this last week has sucked . Mostly I 'm just trying to stay awake and I 'm using her boss 's computer to write this post , but with permission . Hopefully I 'll have my laptop back Thursday but if not , I 'll use a prewritten post . I should be fine to work on Thursday , but I still have to take at least one of the medications to prevent any swelling or whatever . Oh , and instead of being a waitress like I applied for , she 's starting me as a hostess ( person who leads you to your table and takes your drink order ) and a runner ( person who brings food to the table when the place is too busy and the waitress / waiter can 't ) . That way I can learn the restaurant and the dishes , while still in training and learning and stuff . If you write a post , I 'll eventually comment , but probably only if the link is on Twitter and it 'll be from my phone until my laptop is fixed so sorry about that . P . S . I will probably have split shifts at the restaurant and that means I need books . If you don 't want to buy them for me , you can at least suggest some for me . And I know there are ebooks from my lovely writer bloggy friends , but I don 't have anything to read that on and I 'm not going to lug my laptop around . So it has to be published in paperback . Because I 'm too cheap for hardback . This is going to be a sort of weird post , even for me . I know what I want to say , but I don 't really know how to go about it , so I guess I 'll just start off explaining how I got the Kitten . . . Well , maybe a little more history before that so you can see the full picture . On March 6th last year ( I actually wrote about this somewhere else so it has the date ) , an outdoor cat that Mom used to have , had babies in our cabinet . She had miscarried before and we didn 't even know she was pregnant , because she didn 't gain any weight . She had four of them and seemed to be staying with them , so we were glad . The next day , the mom cat wanted to go outside , so we let her out so she could go to the bathroom . But hours passed and she didn 't come inside . We called her , we saw her , but she just didn 't want to come in . By the time we got to her , we found that she didn 't have any milk . Momma checked on the babies and found that two of the four had died . There is an emergency vet clinic that stays open all night , but we didn 't know where it was . We got a box and some towels , and put the babies in it . Momma is night blind and I didn 't even have a permit yet , but we went looking anyways . We jacked up the heat because the kittens were cold and eventually , we found a clinic as they were closing . The vet told us that the two babies had a 90 % chance of dying that night , unless we could feed them ( every 15 minutes for the first night ; 30 the next night ) and get them warm . He asked if we wanted to just put them down but I said no , I would take care of them . So I did . I stayed up until Momma got up for work . We even named them ; Thud ( because my other cat fucking threw him because she thought he was a toy and that was the noise he made ) and Rambo ( because part of his tail was missing and he was a little fighter ) . I was up the entire night and Wolfy kept me company so I wouldn 't fall asleep . Every fifteen minutes , I got them to eat . Every hour or so , I would heat up a sock of rice to warm them up . ( We didn 't have any bottles or heating pads , so we improvised . ) Momma took them to work and a tenant helped her care for them all day . Thud didn 't make it through the day . That night , I took over my shift again and made it until about 3 in the morning . I noticed Rambo was struggling to breath some and I tried to warm him up , I tried to see if he was thirsty . He took his last breath in my hands and I completely lost my shit . I broke down like you wouldn 't believe . I was a mess for days . Some where in the middle of October of last year , some little kids brought a kitten to our house . They said they found her in the middle of the road , but it 's far more likely they found her litter and were able to catch her , then didn 't know what to do with them . Everyone knows we take in animals to help them , even if we don 't keep them , so they were sent to us . At first , Momma told them to just put her by the bowl of cat food outside . Then Momma saw her and that she was so tiny and weak , she couldn 't even stand . She took the kitten from the kids and passed her to me . " What do you want to do with her ? " Honestly , I wanted to keep her because she was so damn cute , but at the same time , I was terrified . What if I failed her too ? I can 't tell you how absolutely terrifying that was . But I told Momma to go to Petsmart to get some kitten milk and wet food , since she was about three weeks old . That little shit refused to sleep in a box or even sit there from the moment I got her . She cried and cried and cried until I picked her up . She only slept on me , which caused me paranoia in my sleep so that I would wake up every time I moved or she moved so I wouldn 't lay on her . The second night , she got down on her own to go to the bathroom and I had a panic attack for the next twenty minutes until I found her . We repeated that process for the next two weeks . Every time she cried to get back to me , I woke up and picked her up . If I wanted to shower or even go to the bathroom , she would follow me and cry the entire time until I picked her up . I spent the first week feeding her every hour , day and night . This involved me forcing a syringe into her mouth and making her drink kitten formula ( which had to be heated up ) , until she started doing it on her own . It was a slow process and I was always scared that she might choke on it . But eventually , she started eating the wet food ( which involved her throwing her whole face in the can and slurping it up ) and gaining weight . I have her trained better than most people have their dogs ( or kids ) trained . Momma only taught her that apparently , my name is " Mommy " to her . The Kitten learned this . Mom thinks it 's funny to go out in public and loudly announce , " Yeah , Rachel has to get back to her baby / daughter . " This has earned me many angry looks . I didn 't get to celebrate Halloween last year because I couldn 't leave her alone . Now , I don 't really mind . She survived and that 's what matters . She still acts a lot like when I first got her , but something has changed . Now , she tries to run outside every chance she gets . We have to lock her up in a cage if we even think about opening the door , because she 'll run out . I 've spent many hours hunting her down to bring her back inside . She 's still very little and a damn daredevil , so I will not let her outside . She runs right to the road and we have too many mean kids , animals , and traffic for her to go outside . She is now actually trained to go into the cage for treats but given the chance , she 'll go outside . In the dream I had last night , I was at my grandparent 's house and I brought The Kitten with me . I honestly don 't know why . I kept telling them , if they were going to open the door , they had to tell me because I had to hold onto her so she wouldn 't get out . Grandpa didn 't listen and even though I was sure I had locked The Kitten in my room ( or rather , the room I was staying in ) she suddenly ran by me and almost got through the fence . Grandpa barely caught her and I jumped awake , before automatically checking to see where The Kitten was and if she was okay . A few weeks ago , I had a nightmare where she got out here . Momma and I went racing after her in the middle of the night , but Mom got there first . A car had crashed and when I asked about The Kitten , everyone told me that the driver had hit her on purpose . I was so distraught , I kept telling him to go to Hell and that I wanted to kill him . I literally woke myself up crying . Of course , The Kitten was actually fine , but it was all I could think about . Before you think I 'm too crazy , she 's not the only one who I 've had dreams like this about . My dad has been the star of quite a few . In a few , he was dead . In one , the first one , he was a vegetable ( not like a carrot ; more like laying in a hospital bed with no brain activity ) and that woke me up crying . He was still overseas , so I raced to the computer and sent him an email to see if he was okay . He replied within a few hours and he was just fine . One of my friends , who will be known as Brainiac because he 's too damn smart , has been in a couple of them . I don 't remember his very clearly though . All I woke up knowing , is I had a nightmare and that I needed to check on him right away . Pawpaw was in one , maybe two . He may have been in one with Daddy . I don 't really remember , but again , I woke up crying . I 'm sure there have been others but I don 't remember at the moment . I don 't really know why I wrote this post . I know I 'm not the only one who 's had dreams like that and I know it 's not a really happy , funny post . I guess I just wanted to write it because now The Kitten is a year old and the dream was so fresh on my mind and it 's been a while since I really wrote a post that didn 't involve ( as Brother calls it ) me and my crazy antics . Unless this counts as crazy antics . I 'll have to ask . Sissi stayed up until midnight with me and freaked out , telling me happy birthday and that she loves me and misses me and stuff . Right after that , Wolfy texted and told me happy birthday and he called not long after that . Then Brother told me as well . I even woke up to find that I had a Tweet from Kianwi , telling me happy birthday and that she hoped I had fun . The actual celebration started off with Mom and I walking to her office . That 's where she set everything up so I wouldn 't see it and where my " Godmother " was waiting for us . On the way there , two of the neighborhood kids were there and told me happy birthday and thought I was turning seventeen , not nineteen . Then we walked into the and it had a bunch of orange and black Halloween balloons and " HAPPY BIRTHDAY " banners hanging up . It was a total Disney theme ( the Halloween balloons could be Tim Burton 's Nightmare Before Christmas ) They sang happy birthday to me and Mom got me the first birthday cake I 've had since the birthday after we moved here . It was an ice cream cake with The Lion King on it . All done without a single stencil . When I tried to cut it , it was so frozen from a layer of peanut butter , that I actually cut my finger with the dull side of the knife . Momma bought spray glitter and that only resulted in a glitter fight , in which I won . I got the can away from her and sprayed her hair and ass ( which is why she was called " Sparkle Butt " and " Glitter Ass " that day ) . I never actually got sprayed with it but I was still sparkly later . I got my presents from Momma while we were eating the cake and the mailman came in to tell me happy birthday , since he talks to Mom basically every day . Grandma texted to tell me happy birthday but promised to call later . After that , we didn 't have anything else to do so we went back to the outdoor mall , but stopped at WalMart first . Momma told me to go pick out another movie for my birthday and the guy who works there that Mom is kind of friends ( who I actually mentioned during the post of most simple surgery ever that literally almost killed me ) with started asking about what we were up to and stuff . Then he told me happy birthday and said he hoped I had a good day and to not get into any trouble . He also told me not to go out drinking . Um , what ? Some little old lady basically said the same thing , except didn 't accuse me of causing trouble and stood up for me . I guess not all old people hate me ? After that , Momma said she was hungry and that she wanted to go get some food at a restaurant in the outdoor mall . I was still full from the ice cream cake , but agreed anyways and we ended up in a sort of bowling alley / bar / restaurant . ( Which , by the way , we went bowling two weeks ago and they fucking close over night and that actually makes me sad because I liked that place because it wasn 't crowded and people were nice and what I 'm about to tell you . ) We didn 't know where we were allowed to be so Momma asked the guy who worked there and he told us we could sit anywhere . After that , we ordered our food and water and the guy came back , looked Mom dead straight in the eye , and said , " I 'm sorry , the rules have changed , you can sit here anymore . " And she totally fell for it . After a full week of attempting to prank me , karma kicked her ass . I thanked the dude like five times . ( He remembered us when we went bowling . ) They were having a party so the food took forever to come out and Mom was like , " Hey , that 's a mechanical bull . " And somehow , that turned into us walking across the bar / restaurant / thing area and me attempting to get onto said mechanical bull . Considering it went up to my shoulders and I had nothing to climb on , I failed miserably . Honestly , considering I was stepping on huge metal poles under a tarp and we probably weren 't supposed to be over there , that 's probably a good thing . While we were eating , my dad sent me a text that said , " Happy birthday my beautiful daughter , I love you " and then he sent the exact same thing to me in a message on Facebook . Remember when I was super pissed about him telling my mom how I had to go to college the week before my birthday and that he would probably forget my birthday ? Technically , he did remember it . Whether somebody reminded him or not , I don 't know . What I do know is that he couldn 't even pick up the phone to call his own kid for two minutes . What the hell kind of shit is that ? Fuck that . Anyways , after that , we ended up riding the carousal there again . We really should get a lot more strange looks than we do . Either the people there are really polite ( not likely since this weekend , when we discovered the bowling alley is closed , a bunch of girls around my age were giving me these " go die alone in a hole " glares under their 50 pounds of makeup ) or they think one of us is mentally disabled ( far more likely ) . Eventually , we ended up coming back to the park . I was driving the park and some guy ( who will further be known as Friend In White Truck or FIWT for short because that 's a lot to type ) flagged us down because there was a huge accidental water leak . He was trying to take an old trailer down for his friend and busted the line open . The next two hours were spent dealing with this : I also made friends with the dog in the pictures . Has anyone heard of a " leopard dog " ? Neither did I but apparently , that 's what he is . Either way , he 's mean and hates practically everyone but he tried to tackle me and kept trying to jump on me and lick me . It was pretty gross but also hilarious . He got off his chain and when I grabbed his collar ( ninja reflexes ! ) , I got a bunch of gross shit all over my hands . During the leak , we found out that the mentally disabled woman ( she was hit by a car a long time ago and it was so bad , I 'm not going to give details ) who is also into many bad , illegal things now picked a fight with some people and got pretty beaten up . So we had to get the cops out there and make sure that she was taken care of as well . ( She 's totally fine now and when she 's sober , she 's like the sweetest person ever . She actually saved somebody 's life the other day but that 's a story for another time . ) This post should end here , but to end the whole dad thing , I have the ending story . I changed my Facebook status to basically say " Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday , especially to all the jerks who forgot . If I can pick up a phone , why can 't you ? " That might be the direct quote ; I don 't remember . Anyways , he never said a word about it but Ashley , Mercedes , and a kind - of - ish friend apologized because they forgot / didn 't know . Never heard from Sis ( when I told her , she didn 't even apologize , wtf ) , anyone else from actual family , not a single one of my other friends . Strange thing is , I don 't even care , except that my dad couldn 't pick up a damn phone . P . S . I changed my relationship status on Facebook , right after my birthday . We had been keeping it a secret because my dad has his head so far up his ass that he 'll need a special surgeon to remove it , but after doing that , I was like " He has no right to be pissed off if he doesn 't even care about my birthday " . But mostly , I just didn 't want to hide it from anyone to begin with and I was looking for a good excuse that I can use against my dad if he starts shit up . " I don 't like him ! " " Well fuck you , you have no right to say anything if you can 't even call me on my birthday . " type of thing . P . S . # 2 Here 's a video of all the presents I got . I recorded this at like 3 am one night / morning , so I 'm sorry my brain died at a few points when there is complete silence and I forgot what I was going to say . I 'm stupid when I 'm tired . P . S . # 3 Despite my ranting and stuff , I really did have a good birthday . It 's literally the best birthday since I can remember . Shit happens but I 'm going to continue to focus on the good stuff about that birthday , rather than the negative . I actually made this video a couple weeks ago , so the whole " Last night " thing is pretty irrelevant . I don 't really know what to say . Just watch the video and join me in the confusion . Secondly , I just wanted to say that Sissi is doing great after her surgery . The hole in her heart was bigger than they thought , but they were still able to fix it . She went home the day after the surgery and looked fucking beautiful the day OF her surgery . She looked perfectly normal , maybe a little tired , but still . ( Which really , isn 't fair , because I looked like a zombie vampire on crack just from having my wisdom teeth removed . ) And she 's probably tired of hearing that , but seriously , what the fuck . There was a pirate costume I 've been trying to get for three years ( click the link to see it ; its REALLY cute ) . The first year , we didn 't have the money . The second , I tried it on and completely fell in love , but when we went back to get it ( after waiting for Mom 's paycheck ) , they were completely sold out . The third , there was nothing to do for Halloween and I couldn 't leave The Kitten home alone yet anyways . I told my boyfriend about that last year and he bought it for me as a Christmas present , so I could FINALLY wear it this year . The only other thing you have to know , is Brother is TALL . Like , he 's been over six feet since he was fourteen . He is a giant and we are all sure to make sure he knows that . When people jump out at me , I tend to hit . When people grab at me , I tend to hit . Basically anybody sneaking up on me or anything , like in " haunted houses " would result in me physically harming the person who did it . Not because I plan it , but because my reflexes suck . Or maybe they 're awesome . I guess it depends on perspective . Rachel : Extra crappy because that pirate costume that I 've been REALLY wanting to wear for THREE years , is in the closet . Wolfy got it for me last Christmas because he remembered me being all upset about doing absolutely nothing last year for Halloween . So I 'd feel horrible if I didn 't even get to wear it . I 'll have funny things for ya 'll next week , probably , but not today . I have plenty of funny shit to say but it 's just not going to come out at the moment . But , before you X out of the blog , please at least read this first half if you have agreed to participate in my project of getting bloggers to write about bullying . I just got an email ( well , actually I got it at like eight this morning , but I was still trying to sleep then ) from a lady who has agreed to write about bullying . She was trying to clarify the date of Anti Bullying Week . I stated that its from November 19th through November 23rd but she found the National Bullying Prevention Center website says October is Anti Bullying Month and October 10th is Unity Day . I 've been researching this since the middle of summer , to come up with the correct dates , and everything I 've found says it takes place in November . In my searches , the NBPC ( I don 't know what they call it but that is a really long name ) never even came up . Due to this , I 'm honestly not sure which are the correct dates now . Maybe they have a month , two different days , and a week . I really don 't know . Next year , I plan on doing this again ( and maybe a few more projects , like on suicide prevention and such - if you know of any , please tell me and I 'll most likely write something ) and I 'll be more careful about finding out the correct dates . For this year , I will still be doing my posting in November whether or not that is correct . I don 't have enough time to finish my research and posting in order to get it done in time this month and I know that a lot of you won 't be able to do that either . However , whether you post October 10th ( NBPC 's Unity Day ) or some time in November , I will still count it as part of my project . Send me your links at pertinax _ puella @ hotmail . com or Tweet them @ WhenALionSleeps so they will be posted on my blog , no matter if you post them some time in October or that week in November . If anyone else has any more questions , you can email me , Tweet me , or leave a comment and I will respond . On that subject , I would like to thank everyone who has agreed to participate in this project . I knew that I would have maybe three or four people agree , but I wasn 't expecting so many people . It 's my highest viewed post with over sixty views since Sunday at 11 : 30pm when I posted it half an hour early . It really means a lot that you 're all so willing to post about something and to take part in it . I doubt I would have gotten so many views or so many people to agree to take part on my own , if The Bloggess hadn 't Tweeted my link for me . Yeah . The Bloggess . Possibly the most famous blogger ever . Technically , I only spoke with Mary , her assistant / fairy godmother . The link was sent out on her secondary account @ TheGoodBloggess , where she posts links to charities and stuff that help people out . Because of her , 3000 + people saw it and two retweeted it to their couple hundred followers . How cool is that ? Anyways , onto an entirely different subject . I wasn 't planning on writing so much about that today and I would have rather waited until my next post , but that didn 't seem fair to you guys . I 'm still on serious subjects and this one is actually fucking terrifying for me . Most of you know about Sissi . She 's been my best friend of six years . As far as I 'm concerned , she 's my actual sister . When I talk about her , I very rarely say that she 's my friend . It 's always " My sister " or " My little sister " or " She 's my sister ' . You get the idea . A few months ago , she told me that she was going to the doctor because she 'd been having heart pains that were coming more often and she wanted to get it checked out . The doctor sent her to a city a few hours away for her to see a specialist . The specialist told her that she has a hole in her heart and they don 't actually know what 's causing the pain but she needs surgery to have the hole fixed . I was supposed to be there , but we didn 't have time to get the money together because we thought that she was having a presurgery appointment instead of the actual surgery . So , I 'm stuck three states away from my little sister while she 's having a fucking scary surgery . She 's having the surgery today and I 'm freaking out . It 's not a big surgery . She won 't have a massive scar and it 's supposed to be a pretty routine and short surgery . Without it , she could die . But it 's still heart surgery and that 's scary as hell . She 's having surgery at 6 : 45 in the morning today and I would really appreciate any prayers or good vibes or whatever you do , sent her way . I 'm sure she 'll appreciate it too , when she 's back at home and no longer drugged up so she can read this . I 'll talk to you when you 're out of the hospital tomorrow and aren 't all wacky from the anesthesia . Feel better and kick ass . I love you , Sissi . Also , I still want to see videos of you being all drugged up , because you know my stories from when I had my tooth surgery . Also also , I hope you like how I made all of your font orange , since its your favorite color . Also also also , don 't forget about Aunt Rachel 's Story Time . Instead of scarring a kid with Rock A Bye Baby , I 'll be telling my future nieces and nephews about their mommy 's heart surgery when she was sixteen . My name is Rachel . I 'm 23 years old . My boyfriend ( Wolfy ) and I live together with our one - eyed hamster , Cashew , and his little brother , Munchies . I 'm a smartass , I curse , and I have a weird sense of humor . |
I already posted part one and you can find that post here . As I said in the last post , Momma and I thought it would be fun to go to supposedly haunted places and take pictures / videos . We 're not saying ghosts exist and we 're not saying they don 't . That is for you to decide . We only went because Halloween is coming up and we had nothing else to do . All I could find was that a nine year old little boy died in the park on a summer day , from an accidental fall , so the park was dedicated to him . People say that you can specifically hear him in the forest around the park but he 's never been seen . We couldn 't go over there because of all the wasps . In the video , it 's basically Mom and I goofing off . For the record , when I was on the monkey bars , I had already been hanging from them before she took the video and kind of swinging back and forth . I must have grabbed them the wrong way during the video because they tore up my hands ( the left one so bad , blood was almost drawn ) as you can see by the second picture of hands ( the first was Mom 's ) . The house was actually on the same street as the park , maybe about half a mile apart . We noticed it on the way and thought it was really creepy looking . On the way back , I saw a for sale sign , and we decided to go up and check it out . As much searching as I did , I found basically nothing on the history of the house . It 's in a good neighborhood ( unless you count a shitton of thefts good , because there are a lot of thefts there ) and it 's pricing was an average of the houses around it . I could not find good details on the inside though . I found everything from two bedrooms to five bedrooms and one bathroom to two bathrooms . The only other thing I found , was that it was built in the 60 's . Mom didn 't join me on the porch because a roach ran out , fell of the step , and landed on it 's head . I didn 't see it so it must have been close to the bushes . That 's the scariest thing I 've found , history wise and everything . You know what ? Still looks like a horror movie house . We got lost on the way to the mill . We 're pretty sure that we never found it , just the water tower to it . What matched the address was just an empty lot . The history of the mill is very simple . It was built in 1891 and burned down in 1991 . It is supposedly haunted by a man who died cleaning the smoke stacks shortly after it was built and by a homeless man who lived there before the mill burned down . People claim to hear them walking around , especially at night . To be more clear about the whole cop thing , we had been driving around that neighborhood for about five minutes , just going in circles , before the video even started . It 's the type of neighborhood with crazy neighborhood watch who will call the cops on weird vehicles driving around . Not only that , but the cop was following us around . We kept seeing him randomly through the streets . Mom said since she had money in her pocket , she would have been arrested for trying to buy drugs , and since I was in a dress , I would have been a hooker . My mom called me a hooker . Awesome . For Halloween , Momma and I thought it would be fun to go to some supposedly haunted places and take pictures and videos . We 're not saying ghosts exist and we 're not saying they don 't . You guys get to be the judge of that and tell me what you think . We did it for fun , because Halloween is coming up and it 's my favorite holiday . And also , because we had nothing else to do . The first place we were , is a supposedly haunted playground , right across from a cemetery . I didn 't do a very good job getting the bird 's eye view of it , because there were several families in and out of the park . Basically , the parking lot is up on a hill above the playground about 15 - 25 feet , maybe more . There is plain , open space , where we took nearly all of the pictures that is surrounded by cliffs that were really fucking huge and the woods . Going down the concrete steps , there was the playground straight in front and an area where I took some pictures ( right before the first video ) . Imagine a tall waterfall and falls into a small circular pond . Now take the water away and let it get over grown with grass and trees and stuff . That 's what it looks like . I did keep finding were stories about how the playground was destroyed in 2007 , literally over night , to increase the area of the cemetery . Apparently , people were pissed the fuck off because they had to rebuild it , with new equipment . That is what has been proven . I honestly have no idea if any of the legends are true or not . I know what I 've been told , but that doesn 't make it true , so I 'm just repeating the stories for ya 'll . Some of the legends are that the children from the cemetery are the ones who haunt the playground . Some people say that children were abducted in the 1960 's and their bodies were found at the playground while others say children were abducted from the playground in the 1980 's . One person even told me that a fourteen year old boy was climbing on the cliffs and fell to his death . The park closes an hour after sundown but people still go and say that it is most active between 10 : 00pm and 3 : 00am . There have been actual reports of children laughing , swings moving on their own , orbs of light captured in pictures ( especially around the slide ) . Supposedly , some people who professionally investigate this kind of stuff went to the park and caught a picture of a little girl , but the link that was supposed to take me to the picture didn 't work . It was unreasonably cold while we were in the playground but that 's probably because we had just left the heated car and it was really windy . Some of my pictures were blurry because my camera kept acting up and not wanting to take pictures . I did play on the swings and Momma took a video on my camera , but honestly , it just disappeared . We don 't know why it didn 't save . And finally , in the last area of pictures and in the first video , I talk about growling up the cliff and in the trees . There was a guy with a really huge dog that walked in the cemetery and he might live in a house right there , but honestly , I have no idea . We weren 't going to get close enough to see because getting mauled by a giant dog doesn 't sound fun . The original two acres of land were donated in 1822 . It as over one hundred acres of land ( both donated and sold to the city by many people ) and has over 80 , 000 burials ( though there are so many unmarked graves , nobody can be certain ) . The oldest part of the cemetery is so old , that there are many illegible tombstones and the earliest one that can be read is of an infant girl in 1820 . The same man who sold the first original land , expanded the land , to include two acres that his family is buried on . There indications that the land was used as a burial ground before it was given to the city . The dates are also uncertain because of how old the tombstones are and the dates inscribed on them . Supposedly , at one of the mausoleums , an older woman sits in a rocking chair . We found a few mausoleums and many above ground tombs , but nothing really weird happened . We walked it one end from the other ( though we did stop at one point because my legs were still tingly and my knees still hurt from when I fell and I had to retie my shoes ) . We couldn 't find the Civil War soldiers though , but we probably walked passed them without realizing it or completely missed them , since that 's a lot of land to cover . We have another birthday to celebrate ! Damn I 've done a lot of birthday posts lately . But today is Mercedes ' 23rd birthday ! Considering she told everyone on Facebook that she 's " turning old today " , I thought I might just use that as the title since I 'm creative like that . That would make a wonderful birthday present for her and she totally deserves it , so you can call in those donations at 1 - 800 - Fix - The - Monster - In - Law . I know , it 's a long number , I 'm sorry . But it will totally be worth it since she has to deal with her on her birthday . You could probably also donate alcohol to Mercedes and her husband , but you 'll have to talk to them about it . Anyways , Mercedes , I wish I were there to celebrate your birthday with you and to keep the bitch in law off your back for at least today . I hope she doesn 't stop you from having a good birthday but I 'll make it up to you either way . Maybe I 'll buy you that monkey you want . Or a stuffed one since I don 't know where to buy a real monkey . Before you read this , please note that I am not proof reading this ( lol like I ever do ) and that I am on some pretty heavy medication and have a concussion and am using Mom 's work computer so I 'm not used to this keyboard . You 'll have to excuse the extra stupidity but I swear all this happened . But you should read it because it 's fucking crazy . It started off early last week . I don 't remember the day exactly , but I remember having a hard time with the post about my nineteenth birthday because I was feeling really sick . Nausea , headache , stomachache , exhaustion , sore throat . . . But I wasn 't actually sick . It went on like this for two days . I think . It might have been three , but I don 't remember . Wednesday night , while I was writing about my kitten and fucked up dreams ( and then posting it after midnight ) , my computer was running it 's weekly virus scan . Let me explain how this works . I used Defender Pro before I got internet on my laptop ( I hooked up to free wifi before people put passwords on it ) but then we actually had to pay for internet and Norton came with it . Eventually , about four months ago , Defender Pro expired and when I tried to buy more , it wouldn 't download . Since I had Norton , I was only pissed about spending the extra money but didn 't think anything of it . Then on Thursday morning , when the scan finally finished , it said I had two Trojan viruses . Normally , the scan could get rid of them . Except that it won 't when it 's expired ; it 'll just find them . Any comments I have left on your blogs since then , have been from my phone . I 'm using Mom 's work computer for this post because her boss gave me permission and isn 't here , and I need to stay awake . Anything from Twitter or Facebook ( for those few of you who have me on there ) has all been from my phone . This is the first time I 've been on the computer so I 'm sorry about typos and all that shit but the screen is really tiny on my phone . Momma called the computer fixer people to pick up my laptop and we 're on the waiting list , but we don 't know when they 'll be able to fix it . Later on Thursday , I discovered that one of my ear piercings ( which I had for over a year and only left the earring out for three days ) had closed up . While I was pissed about that , my " Godmother " called and said that I had an interview at 2 PM the next day where I 've been trying to get a job for the past couple months ( but I had to be 19 and then they waited almost a whole month to call back - turns out they lost my application ) . Fuck . But also yay . Friday , Momma and I followed Mr Fix - It to the restaurant for my interview . Since I can 't drive , Mom needs to know where I 'll be so that I can have three different rides . I 'm supposed to stay on Mr Fix - It 's schedule since he lives down the road from me and he 's their favorite person ever , but if he gets sick or I have to trade shifts or pick up a shift or whatever , I need an extra back - up ride . So we went . The interview went great . I had to fill out a new application and I was supposed to talk to a different manager instead of the owner ( like last time ) but that manager never showed up . So I talked to the lady manager , after waiting for nearly an hour . She barely looked over my application and then told me I needed to get the uniform and what to get exactly and then shook my hand and said , " Welcome aboard . I 'm not the trainer so I 'll call you when I know when training will start next week . " Momma and I left , since Mr Fix - It had to start work . We went to the store and got the belt and socks I needed , since they were right there where we could easily get to it without looking . We also got other stuff but I can 't remember what . I do know that we went to the bank . Then we went out to eat ; both because were celebrating that I got a job and we didn 't want to cook . By the time we got back home , I had to drive because it was dark ( on a super curvy road I 've never driven before and I 've never driven in the dark - but hey , I didn 't swerve ) . Let me explain . . . The Big Dog is roughly 115 - 120 pounds . I have no idea how much I weigh . Most people are guessing 120ish . Last time I was on a scale , it was somewhere between 130 - 140 . He is almost as big as I am in height and weight . His chain outside is a logging chain 3 / 4 inches thick because he broke everything smaller . As I was bending down to plug the lamp back it , he jumped onto the couch . I got knocked in the head and the world went fuzzy and dark for a minute , but I caught myself before I fell . If any of you have had a legit glycemic crash when you 're about to pass out but catch yourself , you 'll know what I 'm talking about . If not , it was something like in the movies when there 's an explosion and it gets blurry and stuff . That was around 6 : 30 ( almost exactly three hours after the interview ) . After that , my head was still hurting and things were a little blurry , but I tried to ignore it . I even took a shower and ate and stuff . But around the time Momma was going to bed , between 11 and 12 , things started to get worse fast . I couldn 't focus my eyes . It was as blurry as when I was hit in the head . I saw in triple vision . I thought I was going to throw up . It was hard to think and even a little hard to speak . So we called Shorty to take me to the emergency room since Mom is night blind and she was drunk . On the way out to the car , I had almost no balance and I was so dizzy and things were spinning so much , I bumped my head getting into the car . Which kind of defeated the purpose , but we got there eventually . On the way , I sent Sissi and Wolfy texts to tell them I was going to the ER , but I don 't remember what I told them . I don 't think I was very clear and I remember a lot of typos . Getting out of the car , when we finally got there , the security guard put me in a wheelchair because I couldn 't really keep myself up anymore . Some nurse dude tried to make me fill out my paper work . First of all , I 've never filled out my own emergency room paperwork before . That 's something I 'm still learning . Secondly , I was there for a head injury . I almost forgot how to spell my name and I could barely see what I was writing . . But eventually Mom was able to empty her pockets and come through and fill things out for me . A lady nurse with pretty hair hooked me up to a machine to check my heart and pulse and stuff . Then she asked a bunch of questions but I think Mom had to answer most of them . I remember not knowing my weight and her asking if I was depressed ( Mom said no , I tried to correct her but I think they discussed it more before deciding to put " not diagnosed ; experiences depression episodes " or something like that ) and then Mom reminding me I have Sissi , and " a loving boyfriend " , and Brother and I smiled a bunch . We ended up in a room and they made me put on a hospital gown . Mom had to help me . The nurses left and Shorty closed her eyes , but I couldn 't dress myself . Then they had me pee in a cup for a pregnancy test ( and also for drugs and alcohol but they don 't tell you that ) . Mom got pissed and decided to tell the entire hospital it 's not possible for me to be pregnant and for some reason , I thought that was one of the funniest things ever . I laid down and almost blacked out . Then the nurse hooked me back up to a heart monitor . By throwing the gown up and putting her hands up the gown . ( To anyone in the hospital I flashed , I 'm really sorry . I didn 't know she was going to do that and it scared the fucking shit out of me . To my boyfriend , blame the nurse because that was really stupid and bitchy of her . To the nurse , fuck you for that . ) Then I don 't remember a lot . There were a lot more questions and a lot were the same but it was a different nurse . I had a hard time focusing and I don 't remember much . I think I was a bit more lucid because I was laying down but I remember even less about this part . I do know that I was absolutely fucking terrified . Mom went and got water and I was pretty mean about , " Don 't drink my water " but only because she had been drinking and ew . Nurses basically left me alone and I was shaking a lot . The heart monitor was kind of fascinating . And I remember practically losing my mind wanting to text Wolfy and Sissi . Mom and Shorty made me laugh some . After being there for hours , they shined lights in my eyes and then told me they thought it was a mild concussion . I remember that part pretty clearly . The doctor was standing over me . He held out one hand and said , " Some concussions can turn you into a vegetable , where you 'll never really wake up and you 're unable to do anything " then he held the other hand about six inches away and said , " Some concussions will make you a little dizzy and give you a headache " then he moved the first hand towards the second hand but left about an inch of space and said , " I think you 're closer to the mild version but we 're going to do a catscan to make sure nothing is serious . " And so , I got a catscan . The guy who pushed the bed went really fast and even with the rails up , I thought I was going to throw up and fall over . I couldn 't remember if a catscan was just a head thing or if it was a full body thing , so I asked if it was bad that I 'm claustrophobic He told me no , it 's okay , because as long as I stay still for a minute then it 'll be over and it 's only my head and I can still see . I had to get myself onto the table and lay down . They strapped me down around my stomach , which honestly didn 't help the whole claustrophobic thing , and my head went into the machine . It moved over me a few times with really bright lights and sounded like a plane taking off . All I remember doing was praying because I was shaking so badly , that it honestly looked like I was having a seizure . Then it was over and he took me back to my room . I was still shaking a bit by the time we got back to the room but the doctor said that the test results were good . Nothing was seriously wrong , just a pretty bad bump to the head . He also told me he was going to put me on two medications . One medication is twice a day for seven days to prevent inflammation and the other is a mix of two medications and caffeine for the pain , which I take every four hours as needed until I run out ( there are 20 pills ) . Let me tell you this , these medications are mother fucking strong . After what felt like forever , I was finally released at 4 something in the morning . After all the drama with Mom getting pissed for them wanting to make sure I 'm not knocked up , they left it in the room and never tested it . Which kind of pissed me off because that was not an easy task to pull off when I couldn 't even stand up right . They made me walk out even though Mom ( with her screwed up neck ) was supporting me , but she 's also like 100 pounds . Or 15 pounds . I 'm not really sure . Then the security guards asked how I was . Shorty tried to make me go in the elevator to get to the car , that she had parked after dropping me at the entrance . I started crying and refused . So she went and got the car and left us there . They protected my head when I got in the car and we got home around 4 : 30 . Saturday , we went to get my prescriptions at WalMart and I found out that they don 't sell nose rings at that one ( I wanted a clear / silver one instead of a purple one ) which kinda sucked because I saw one before with the stone shaped like a little butterfly and it was awesome . We went to lunch afterwards so I could take it and she told the owner ( who escorted us to our table and helped me avoid stairs ) that I had " a concussion by dog " and then told me and him that I 'm the " Concussionator " . We went and found out that the piercers at the tattoo place weren 't there ( we were out and I was already in pain , I decided why not ) . Things got really confusing and foggy after that . I know we went and bought dinner and people kept glaring at me because I was falling so much . We went to Sonic and Mom bought ice and told the lady who works there about me . She saw a picture of The Big Dog and freaked out like " THAT IS A REALLY BIG ACCIDENT " and I thought that was fucking hilarious . Then we went back to the park . I think I may have been in and out of consciousness because there are a lot of missing pieces , but we stopped by and saw Shorty and I told her I owe her a hug and there was a lot of hysterical laughter . Then we saw our neighbor outside who owes me money for watching his dog and wants me to watch her again this weekend and I was like , " Well I 'll watch her if you actually pay me " and that was pretty bitchy . Turns out he got confused and didn 't know he owed me money . Oops . Then we went home and I think I passed out . At one point , I woke up for a while and took a shower . Momma gave me shower rules . Keep the water temperature evened out . Don 't flip my hair to put in the conditioner . Don 't shave my legs . I was allowed to use a lightsaber but I don 't even have one and I don 't really understand the movies anyways . The shower went fine but when I was sitting down to get into bed , I managed to wack my head again . Figures . It hurt like a mother fucker . Sunday , I was a little less . . . drugged . Momma told me that the lady manager called Saturday night and wanted me to start Sunday , but Mom just said I was sleeping and we didn 't have time to get my uniforms yet ( all true ) , so I 'm scheduled for Thursday through Saturday instead . But we had to get my uniforms on her day off so we did . It took us three different stores to get everything and I 'm almost certain that anyone who wants to start working there must have to take out a loan on their house just to get the clothes , but we managed to get it done . The lady at the shoe store was asking why I kept falling so we told her and she thought it was hilarious until she realized we were serious . Then everyone within a 30 foot radius told me to wear the no - slip shoes out so I wouldn 't hit my head again . In the last store , we had to get in an elevator to go downstairs . I prefer stairs or an escalator , or an elevator I can see out of . But we were stuck in a tiny one that I couldn 't see anything . So I almost had a panic attack . Then we had to get back in it to go upstairs . Both trips knocked me so off balance that I thought I needed a wheelchair again . The tattoo shop was open and the piercers were there so we went inside and had the same lady from last year ( who did my second ear lobe piercings and my nose ) redo my closed up piercing ( which hurt more than the first time ) and put a matching earring in the other ear since I don 't know how to change that type of earring . We also bought a silvery / clear nose ring and had her put it in my nose ( which hurt more than actually getting it pierced ) . Here is a link of earrings similar to mine . It has a little ball on both sides though and you have to take one off to get it through the piercing hole . We went out to Chinese after that and everyone kept glaring at me . I 'm not even kidding . I took another pain pill and people kept looking at me like I was like the devil incarnate or something . I don 't know why . I was nice to everyone even though I didn 't speak unless I had to . I didn 't even walk much ; I had Mom do it because carrying hot soup while heavily medicated with a nasty concussion isn 't a good thing to do . Then we went home and I don 't remember too much after that . I took a shower and kept hitting my ears . They were both sore and it seemed to be the target of a lot of pain . My nose was pretty sore too but I was smarter about that . Then I braided my hair so it wouldn 't get all tangled in the hoops . This morning , Mom woke me up and we went to her work . She called the computer people . I think I already said that . A lot of people ask how I am and I answer with , " Last week or in general ? " and tell them I 'm fine in general but this last week has sucked . Mostly I 'm just trying to stay awake and I 'm using her boss 's computer to write this post , but with permission . Hopefully I 'll have my laptop back Thursday but if not , I 'll use a prewritten post . I should be fine to work on Thursday , but I still have to take at least one of the medications to prevent any swelling or whatever . Oh , and instead of being a waitress like I applied for , she 's starting me as a hostess ( person who leads you to your table and takes your drink order ) and a runner ( person who brings food to the table when the place is too busy and the waitress / waiter can 't ) . That way I can learn the restaurant and the dishes , while still in training and learning and stuff . If you write a post , I 'll eventually comment , but probably only if the link is on Twitter and it 'll be from my phone until my laptop is fixed so sorry about that . P . S . I will probably have split shifts at the restaurant and that means I need books . If you don 't want to buy them for me , you can at least suggest some for me . And I know there are ebooks from my lovely writer bloggy friends , but I don 't have anything to read that on and I 'm not going to lug my laptop around . So it has to be published in paperback . Because I 'm too cheap for hardback . This is going to be a sort of weird post , even for me . I know what I want to say , but I don 't really know how to go about it , so I guess I 'll just start off explaining how I got the Kitten . . . Well , maybe a little more history before that so you can see the full picture . On March 6th last year ( I actually wrote about this somewhere else so it has the date ) , an outdoor cat that Mom used to have , had babies in our cabinet . She had miscarried before and we didn 't even know she was pregnant , because she didn 't gain any weight . She had four of them and seemed to be staying with them , so we were glad . The next day , the mom cat wanted to go outside , so we let her out so she could go to the bathroom . But hours passed and she didn 't come inside . We called her , we saw her , but she just didn 't want to come in . By the time we got to her , we found that she didn 't have any milk . Momma checked on the babies and found that two of the four had died . There is an emergency vet clinic that stays open all night , but we didn 't know where it was . We got a box and some towels , and put the babies in it . Momma is night blind and I didn 't even have a permit yet , but we went looking anyways . We jacked up the heat because the kittens were cold and eventually , we found a clinic as they were closing . The vet told us that the two babies had a 90 % chance of dying that night , unless we could feed them ( every 15 minutes for the first night ; 30 the next night ) and get them warm . He asked if we wanted to just put them down but I said no , I would take care of them . So I did . I stayed up until Momma got up for work . We even named them ; Thud ( because my other cat fucking threw him because she thought he was a toy and that was the noise he made ) and Rambo ( because part of his tail was missing and he was a little fighter ) . I was up the entire night and Wolfy kept me company so I wouldn 't fall asleep . Every fifteen minutes , I got them to eat . Every hour or so , I would heat up a sock of rice to warm them up . ( We didn 't have any bottles or heating pads , so we improvised . ) Momma took them to work and a tenant helped her care for them all day . Thud didn 't make it through the day . That night , I took over my shift again and made it until about 3 in the morning . I noticed Rambo was struggling to breath some and I tried to warm him up , I tried to see if he was thirsty . He took his last breath in my hands and I completely lost my shit . I broke down like you wouldn 't believe . I was a mess for days . Some where in the middle of October of last year , some little kids brought a kitten to our house . They said they found her in the middle of the road , but it 's far more likely they found her litter and were able to catch her , then didn 't know what to do with them . Everyone knows we take in animals to help them , even if we don 't keep them , so they were sent to us . At first , Momma told them to just put her by the bowl of cat food outside . Then Momma saw her and that she was so tiny and weak , she couldn 't even stand . She took the kitten from the kids and passed her to me . " What do you want to do with her ? " Honestly , I wanted to keep her because she was so damn cute , but at the same time , I was terrified . What if I failed her too ? I can 't tell you how absolutely terrifying that was . But I told Momma to go to Petsmart to get some kitten milk and wet food , since she was about three weeks old . That little shit refused to sleep in a box or even sit there from the moment I got her . She cried and cried and cried until I picked her up . She only slept on me , which caused me paranoia in my sleep so that I would wake up every time I moved or she moved so I wouldn 't lay on her . The second night , she got down on her own to go to the bathroom and I had a panic attack for the next twenty minutes until I found her . We repeated that process for the next two weeks . Every time she cried to get back to me , I woke up and picked her up . If I wanted to shower or even go to the bathroom , she would follow me and cry the entire time until I picked her up . I spent the first week feeding her every hour , day and night . This involved me forcing a syringe into her mouth and making her drink kitten formula ( which had to be heated up ) , until she started doing it on her own . It was a slow process and I was always scared that she might choke on it . But eventually , she started eating the wet food ( which involved her throwing her whole face in the can and slurping it up ) and gaining weight . I have her trained better than most people have their dogs ( or kids ) trained . Momma only taught her that apparently , my name is " Mommy " to her . The Kitten learned this . Mom thinks it 's funny to go out in public and loudly announce , " Yeah , Rachel has to get back to her baby / daughter . " This has earned me many angry looks . I didn 't get to celebrate Halloween last year because I couldn 't leave her alone . Now , I don 't really mind . She survived and that 's what matters . She still acts a lot like when I first got her , but something has changed . Now , she tries to run outside every chance she gets . We have to lock her up in a cage if we even think about opening the door , because she 'll run out . I 've spent many hours hunting her down to bring her back inside . She 's still very little and a damn daredevil , so I will not let her outside . She runs right to the road and we have too many mean kids , animals , and traffic for her to go outside . She is now actually trained to go into the cage for treats but given the chance , she 'll go outside . In the dream I had last night , I was at my grandparent 's house and I brought The Kitten with me . I honestly don 't know why . I kept telling them , if they were going to open the door , they had to tell me because I had to hold onto her so she wouldn 't get out . Grandpa didn 't listen and even though I was sure I had locked The Kitten in my room ( or rather , the room I was staying in ) she suddenly ran by me and almost got through the fence . Grandpa barely caught her and I jumped awake , before automatically checking to see where The Kitten was and if she was okay . A few weeks ago , I had a nightmare where she got out here . Momma and I went racing after her in the middle of the night , but Mom got there first . A car had crashed and when I asked about The Kitten , everyone told me that the driver had hit her on purpose . I was so distraught , I kept telling him to go to Hell and that I wanted to kill him . I literally woke myself up crying . Of course , The Kitten was actually fine , but it was all I could think about . Before you think I 'm too crazy , she 's not the only one who I 've had dreams like this about . My dad has been the star of quite a few . In a few , he was dead . In one , the first one , he was a vegetable ( not like a carrot ; more like laying in a hospital bed with no brain activity ) and that woke me up crying . He was still overseas , so I raced to the computer and sent him an email to see if he was okay . He replied within a few hours and he was just fine . One of my friends , who will be known as Brainiac because he 's too damn smart , has been in a couple of them . I don 't remember his very clearly though . All I woke up knowing , is I had a nightmare and that I needed to check on him right away . Pawpaw was in one , maybe two . He may have been in one with Daddy . I don 't really remember , but again , I woke up crying . I 'm sure there have been others but I don 't remember at the moment . I don 't really know why I wrote this post . I know I 'm not the only one who 's had dreams like that and I know it 's not a really happy , funny post . I guess I just wanted to write it because now The Kitten is a year old and the dream was so fresh on my mind and it 's been a while since I really wrote a post that didn 't involve ( as Brother calls it ) me and my crazy antics . Unless this counts as crazy antics . I 'll have to ask . Sissi stayed up until midnight with me and freaked out , telling me happy birthday and that she loves me and misses me and stuff . Right after that , Wolfy texted and told me happy birthday and he called not long after that . Then Brother told me as well . I even woke up to find that I had a Tweet from Kianwi , telling me happy birthday and that she hoped I had fun . The actual celebration started off with Mom and I walking to her office . That 's where she set everything up so I wouldn 't see it and where my " Godmother " was waiting for us . On the way there , two of the neighborhood kids were there and told me happy birthday and thought I was turning seventeen , not nineteen . Then we walked into the and it had a bunch of orange and black Halloween balloons and " HAPPY BIRTHDAY " banners hanging up . It was a total Disney theme ( the Halloween balloons could be Tim Burton 's Nightmare Before Christmas ) They sang happy birthday to me and Mom got me the first birthday cake I 've had since the birthday after we moved here . It was an ice cream cake with The Lion King on it . All done without a single stencil . When I tried to cut it , it was so frozen from a layer of peanut butter , that I actually cut my finger with the dull side of the knife . Momma bought spray glitter and that only resulted in a glitter fight , in which I won . I got the can away from her and sprayed her hair and ass ( which is why she was called " Sparkle Butt " and " Glitter Ass " that day ) . I never actually got sprayed with it but I was still sparkly later . I got my presents from Momma while we were eating the cake and the mailman came in to tell me happy birthday , since he talks to Mom basically every day . Grandma texted to tell me happy birthday but promised to call later . After that , we didn 't have anything else to do so we went back to the outdoor mall , but stopped at WalMart first . Momma told me to go pick out another movie for my birthday and the guy who works there that Mom is kind of friends ( who I actually mentioned during the post of most simple surgery ever that literally almost killed me ) with started asking about what we were up to and stuff . Then he told me happy birthday and said he hoped I had a good day and to not get into any trouble . He also told me not to go out drinking . Um , what ? Some little old lady basically said the same thing , except didn 't accuse me of causing trouble and stood up for me . I guess not all old people hate me ? After that , Momma said she was hungry and that she wanted to go get some food at a restaurant in the outdoor mall . I was still full from the ice cream cake , but agreed anyways and we ended up in a sort of bowling alley / bar / restaurant . ( Which , by the way , we went bowling two weeks ago and they fucking close over night and that actually makes me sad because I liked that place because it wasn 't crowded and people were nice and what I 'm about to tell you . ) We didn 't know where we were allowed to be so Momma asked the guy who worked there and he told us we could sit anywhere . After that , we ordered our food and water and the guy came back , looked Mom dead straight in the eye , and said , " I 'm sorry , the rules have changed , you can sit here anymore . " And she totally fell for it . After a full week of attempting to prank me , karma kicked her ass . I thanked the dude like five times . ( He remembered us when we went bowling . ) They were having a party so the food took forever to come out and Mom was like , " Hey , that 's a mechanical bull . " And somehow , that turned into us walking across the bar / restaurant / thing area and me attempting to get onto said mechanical bull . Considering it went up to my shoulders and I had nothing to climb on , I failed miserably . Honestly , considering I was stepping on huge metal poles under a tarp and we probably weren 't supposed to be over there , that 's probably a good thing . While we were eating , my dad sent me a text that said , " Happy birthday my beautiful daughter , I love you " and then he sent the exact same thing to me in a message on Facebook . Remember when I was super pissed about him telling my mom how I had to go to college the week before my birthday and that he would probably forget my birthday ? Technically , he did remember it . Whether somebody reminded him or not , I don 't know . What I do know is that he couldn 't even pick up the phone to call his own kid for two minutes . What the hell kind of shit is that ? Fuck that . Anyways , after that , we ended up riding the carousal there again . We really should get a lot more strange looks than we do . Either the people there are really polite ( not likely since this weekend , when we discovered the bowling alley is closed , a bunch of girls around my age were giving me these " go die alone in a hole " glares under their 50 pounds of makeup ) or they think one of us is mentally disabled ( far more likely ) . Eventually , we ended up coming back to the park . I was driving the park and some guy ( who will further be known as Friend In White Truck or FIWT for short because that 's a lot to type ) flagged us down because there was a huge accidental water leak . He was trying to take an old trailer down for his friend and busted the line open . The next two hours were spent dealing with this : I also made friends with the dog in the pictures . Has anyone heard of a " leopard dog " ? Neither did I but apparently , that 's what he is . Either way , he 's mean and hates practically everyone but he tried to tackle me and kept trying to jump on me and lick me . It was pretty gross but also hilarious . He got off his chain and when I grabbed his collar ( ninja reflexes ! ) , I got a bunch of gross shit all over my hands . During the leak , we found out that the mentally disabled woman ( she was hit by a car a long time ago and it was so bad , I 'm not going to give details ) who is also into many bad , illegal things now picked a fight with some people and got pretty beaten up . So we had to get the cops out there and make sure that she was taken care of as well . ( She 's totally fine now and when she 's sober , she 's like the sweetest person ever . She actually saved somebody 's life the other day but that 's a story for another time . ) This post should end here , but to end the whole dad thing , I have the ending story . I changed my Facebook status to basically say " Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday , especially to all the jerks who forgot . If I can pick up a phone , why can 't you ? " That might be the direct quote ; I don 't remember . Anyways , he never said a word about it but Ashley , Mercedes , and a kind - of - ish friend apologized because they forgot / didn 't know . Never heard from Sis ( when I told her , she didn 't even apologize , wtf ) , anyone else from actual family , not a single one of my other friends . Strange thing is , I don 't even care , except that my dad couldn 't pick up a damn phone . P . S . I changed my relationship status on Facebook , right after my birthday . We had been keeping it a secret because my dad has his head so far up his ass that he 'll need a special surgeon to remove it , but after doing that , I was like " He has no right to be pissed off if he doesn 't even care about my birthday " . But mostly , I just didn 't want to hide it from anyone to begin with and I was looking for a good excuse that I can use against my dad if he starts shit up . " I don 't like him ! " " Well fuck you , you have no right to say anything if you can 't even call me on my birthday . " type of thing . P . S . # 2 Here 's a video of all the presents I got . I recorded this at like 3 am one night / morning , so I 'm sorry my brain died at a few points when there is complete silence and I forgot what I was going to say . I 'm stupid when I 'm tired . P . S . # 3 Despite my ranting and stuff , I really did have a good birthday . It 's literally the best birthday since I can remember . Shit happens but I 'm going to continue to focus on the good stuff about that birthday , rather than the negative . I actually made this video a couple weeks ago , so the whole " Last night " thing is pretty irrelevant . I don 't really know what to say . Just watch the video and join me in the confusion . Secondly , I just wanted to say that Sissi is doing great after her surgery . The hole in her heart was bigger than they thought , but they were still able to fix it . She went home the day after the surgery and looked fucking beautiful the day OF her surgery . She looked perfectly normal , maybe a little tired , but still . ( Which really , isn 't fair , because I looked like a zombie vampire on crack just from having my wisdom teeth removed . ) And she 's probably tired of hearing that , but seriously , what the fuck . There was a pirate costume I 've been trying to get for three years ( click the link to see it ; its REALLY cute ) . The first year , we didn 't have the money . The second , I tried it on and completely fell in love , but when we went back to get it ( after waiting for Mom 's paycheck ) , they were completely sold out . The third , there was nothing to do for Halloween and I couldn 't leave The Kitten home alone yet anyways . I told my boyfriend about that last year and he bought it for me as a Christmas present , so I could FINALLY wear it this year . The only other thing you have to know , is Brother is TALL . Like , he 's been over six feet since he was fourteen . He is a giant and we are all sure to make sure he knows that . When people jump out at me , I tend to hit . When people grab at me , I tend to hit . Basically anybody sneaking up on me or anything , like in " haunted houses " would result in me physically harming the person who did it . Not because I plan it , but because my reflexes suck . Or maybe they 're awesome . I guess it depends on perspective . Rachel : Extra crappy because that pirate costume that I 've been REALLY wanting to wear for THREE years , is in the closet . Wolfy got it for me last Christmas because he remembered me being all upset about doing absolutely nothing last year for Halloween . So I 'd feel horrible if I didn 't even get to wear it . I 'll have funny things for ya 'll next week , probably , but not today . I have plenty of funny shit to say but it 's just not going to come out at the moment . But , before you X out of the blog , please at least read this first half if you have agreed to participate in my project of getting bloggers to write about bullying . I just got an email ( well , actually I got it at like eight this morning , but I was still trying to sleep then ) from a lady who has agreed to write about bullying . She was trying to clarify the date of Anti Bullying Week . I stated that its from November 19th through November 23rd but she found the National Bullying Prevention Center website says October is Anti Bullying Month and October 10th is Unity Day . I 've been researching this since the middle of summer , to come up with the correct dates , and everything I 've found says it takes place in November . In my searches , the NBPC ( I don 't know what they call it but that is a really long name ) never even came up . Due to this , I 'm honestly not sure which are the correct dates now . Maybe they have a month , two different days , and a week . I really don 't know . Next year , I plan on doing this again ( and maybe a few more projects , like on suicide prevention and such - if you know of any , please tell me and I 'll most likely write something ) and I 'll be more careful about finding out the correct dates . For this year , I will still be doing my posting in November whether or not that is correct . I don 't have enough time to finish my research and posting in order to get it done in time this month and I know that a lot of you won 't be able to do that either . However , whether you post October 10th ( NBPC 's Unity Day ) or some time in November , I will still count it as part of my project . Send me your links at pertinax _ puella @ hotmail . com or Tweet them @ WhenALionSleeps so they will be posted on my blog , no matter if you post them some time in October or that week in November . If anyone else has any more questions , you can email me , Tweet me , or leave a comment and I will respond . On that subject , I would like to thank everyone who has agreed to participate in this project . I knew that I would have maybe three or four people agree , but I wasn 't expecting so many people . It 's my highest viewed post with over sixty views since Sunday at 11 : 30pm when I posted it half an hour early . It really means a lot that you 're all so willing to post about something and to take part in it . I doubt I would have gotten so many views or so many people to agree to take part on my own , if The Bloggess hadn 't Tweeted my link for me . Yeah . The Bloggess . Possibly the most famous blogger ever . Technically , I only spoke with Mary , her assistant / fairy godmother . The link was sent out on her secondary account @ TheGoodBloggess , where she posts links to charities and stuff that help people out . Because of her , 3000 + people saw it and two retweeted it to their couple hundred followers . How cool is that ? Anyways , onto an entirely different subject . I wasn 't planning on writing so much about that today and I would have rather waited until my next post , but that didn 't seem fair to you guys . I 'm still on serious subjects and this one is actually fucking terrifying for me . Most of you know about Sissi . She 's been my best friend of six years . As far as I 'm concerned , she 's my actual sister . When I talk about her , I very rarely say that she 's my friend . It 's always " My sister " or " My little sister " or " She 's my sister ' . You get the idea . A few months ago , she told me that she was going to the doctor because she 'd been having heart pains that were coming more often and she wanted to get it checked out . The doctor sent her to a city a few hours away for her to see a specialist . The specialist told her that she has a hole in her heart and they don 't actually know what 's causing the pain but she needs surgery to have the hole fixed . I was supposed to be there , but we didn 't have time to get the money together because we thought that she was having a presurgery appointment instead of the actual surgery . So , I 'm stuck three states away from my little sister while she 's having a fucking scary surgery . She 's having the surgery today and I 'm freaking out . It 's not a big surgery . She won 't have a massive scar and it 's supposed to be a pretty routine and short surgery . Without it , she could die . But it 's still heart surgery and that 's scary as hell . She 's having surgery at 6 : 45 in the morning today and I would really appreciate any prayers or good vibes or whatever you do , sent her way . I 'm sure she 'll appreciate it too , when she 's back at home and no longer drugged up so she can read this . I 'll talk to you when you 're out of the hospital tomorrow and aren 't all wacky from the anesthesia . Feel better and kick ass . I love you , Sissi . Also , I still want to see videos of you being all drugged up , because you know my stories from when I had my tooth surgery . Also also , I hope you like how I made all of your font orange , since its your favorite color . Also also also , don 't forget about Aunt Rachel 's Story Time . Instead of scarring a kid with Rock A Bye Baby , I 'll be telling my future nieces and nephews about their mommy 's heart surgery when she was sixteen . My name is Rachel . I 'm 23 years old . My boyfriend ( Wolfy ) and I live together with our one - eyed hamster , Cashew , and his little brother , Munchies . I 'm a smartass , I curse , and I have a weird sense of humor . |
I grew up in a busy fishing town at the edge of the sea . What I remember most is the smell of the place . I can recall it even now - briny , fishy , sweaty , acrid . The scent of wood fires and charcoal burning ; the oil and petrol from the boats ; salt water and rotting fish . Sometimes , after school , I would go to a small cove , away from the boats , just to have the sea to myself . I would dig my little toes into the wet sand , and just breathe it all in . The smell of the shore is , in fact , that of decay and death . It 's seaweed rotting on the sand ; small sea creatures - shellfish and crabs - wounded or dead on or under the rocks . Even the sea birds dined on death , feasting on carrion . But these aromas were familiar to me . It was the smell of my home . Up there , was the sweet smell of life . Of flowers and things green . Of birds and animals living in the forest . It was the organic smell of humus which is technically not alive , but from which life springs so abundantly , it 's hard to think of it as anything other than a living thing . The scent of the flowers - pink and orange and violet - was intoxicating ! They grew everywhere , springing up from the ground ; hanging from the trees ; climbing on vines up the walls of the houses . Like many of the other men , my father was a fisherman . One of the aromas I most associated with the shore , and which I loved the most , was his scent when he held me . When the smell of his manly body odor , fish , motor oil , and cigarettes tickled my nostrils , it meant I was safe . As most young girls , I was in love with my father . He was a handsome man , brown from the sun , with thick , black hair and straight white teeth . His strong arms could lift me up high and carry me all the way home . He went out to sea almost every day on his small wooden boat , painted white and blue . It had a motor in the back which was often in need of repair . He spent many hours working on it . Although fishing was the main industry in our area , there were few who had the money for a brand new motor . They all bought the best used equipment they could afford . That meant being a successful fisherman was not just knowing where to find or how to catch fish . It meant one also be good at repair ; to have an understanding of how a motor worked , how to fix it with whatever parts were available or that could be cobbled together , with old tools which were always on the verge of giving out . When a motor stopped , there was no time to waste , especially not out at sea . I knew it was not good when my father couldn 't be out on the water ; when he was stuck in port trying to make that old piece of machinery sputter to life . It meant a loss of income . This situation was inevitable for every boat owner . It was time loast which none could afford , yet , it was accepted that this was just how it was . The men used to say , " Just when you get ahead , you fall ten steps back . " Thinking philosophically instead of feeling sorry for themselves was another necessary requirement for being a fisherman . Still , as a child , I loved the days my father was stuck in the harbor . I was happy knowing he was safe , close to home where I could keep my eye on him or run to see him . It scare me to imagine him out there , with all the many unknown dangers . It was never far from my mind that the sea might take him and I would never see him again . My mother was as beautiful as my father was handsome . She had a stall in the market where she sold small sweets and savories , all of which she made herself ; some at home and some fresh on the spot . She was famous in town for her cooking . She 'd been in that stall since she was 16 . Since before I was born . Since before she met my father . It had belonged to her mother , and when she died , it fell to my mother to cook and sell , to help support her family . My mother 's sweets were so delicate , they would dissolve on the tongue . Some of her small pastries were so spicy , they could make a grown man cry . Her savories had such complex flavors , you could still taste them , mingling on your tongue even after you 'd swallowed . Most people didn 't take the time to really savor them , which was a pity . To them , they were just a quick bite to eat when they didn 't have time to stop and sit and have a proper meal . The shoppers , the other vendors , the workmen and women passing by , they all had a need of a her snacks , but only a few took the time to fully appreciate what an innovative cook she was . Everything she made - even for strangers , even for those who never gave her refined cooking a second thought - was made with love . But if people 's palates were not sophisticated enough to recognize her culinary genius , they certainly were able to taste the care and joy that went into each piece . My father and I both agreed that my mother was the prettiest woman in the town . She had big eyes and long lashes and skin the color of the sweet milk tea I loved to drink . She had long , dark hair which she wore in a single braid down her back . I , myself , wore two braids , which she plaited for me every morning and carefully combed them out every night before I went to bed . Then she would brush my hair , gently , as she sang to me or told me stories , relaxing me for bed . Some days , after my father came in from the sea and had unloaded his fish and had finished cleaning the boat , and tuning the motor , my mother would take me and my sister to meet him in the harbor . Mother would bring whatever snacks she had left over from the day , and together we would sit on the boat and talk about our day , as we watched the sun set over the ocean . We were happy and we loved each other . Every year , at the end of December , we celebrated a family tradition , the same as my mother had done as a child . There was an exchange of gifts . The year I turned eight , my special gift was a new pair of " big girl " shoes . They were shiny and black with a pink ribbon . I felt like a real lady in them . I couldn 't wait to show them off to my friends at school ! As was always the case with new shoes and new clothes , they were purchased a bit too large to give me time to grow into them . I pushed paper into the toes so they wouldn 't fall off . The next morning , on my way to school , I scanned the harbor . Most of the boats were already out to sea . Father 's was not there , which meant his motor was working that morning . I would worry about him until I saw him again in the evening . I stood there , fascinated . And then , suddenly , there was a wall of water so high and frightening it took my breath away even before it crashed over me . Instantly , I and everything else was under it . My new shoes were sucked off my feet . In those last seconds , before I drowned all I could think about was my lost shoes . By human standards , it was a great tragedy . So much loss of life . But it was a necessary correction which the universe must make from time to time . I do not understand the reasons . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! He is an adult man , a poor shepherd in ragged clothes , tending his flock . He sits on a rock , with his rifle close at hand . The terrain is bleak and mountainous . I know we are in the foothills of the Hindu Kush … Afghanistan or Pakistan perhaps . ] " I grew up with it , " he said , showing me his gun . " It was an extension of myself . It never left my side . I learned to shoot as a child and so I was an excellent marksman . When I was out with my herd , I was always scanning the horizon and the skies for predators - wolves , jackals . Even a hawk could take away a small lamb . " All well and good , I thought " aloud " to him , but this is not really a story . It 's just an image , and I might just be remembering that image from a photograph . I need more . He then " showed " me his small house - a typical low mud and brick hut . He told me he had four children , two boys and two girls . The girls were married and living with their husbands ' families . It is difficult enough to understand the feelings and the suffering and the pain and even the joy of your own neighbor . Sometimes , not even your own family member . Each human being is at the center of his or her own reality . The reality of others is completely abstract . You might as well be on completely different planets . Humans like to believe they are compassionate but they make so many exceptions , that they are not compassionate at all . There are always others - a group or a class or an ethnicity or a nation - for whom they make exceptions . " Yes , " they say , " compassion is good BUT those people … . " are this way or do that . They are somehow unworthy of compassion . People claim to want peace in the world as if it is the responsibility of nations or governments . But peace begins with compassion within ourselves . Each time we vilify others , even a neighbor or an old friend or a family member - even if we feel justified because they have done us grievous harm - we move the world one step further from peace . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! I started lying almost as soon as I was able to talk . My first true memory of this was as a child , maybe 3 or 4 . I was alone , happily entertaining myself . My mother called to me to ask what I was doing . I was playing with some toys , perfectly innocent and acceptable behavior . But something compelled me to tell her I was coloring and drawing . It wasn 't much of a lie . My mother didn 't care what I was doing , as long as I wasn 't getting into trouble or making a mess . But for me , it was the point when everything changed ; the moment when I asserted my independence ; took a stand of defiance . My play time was my domain . What was it her business how I spent it ? ( As long as I wasn 't getting into trouble or making a mess , of course . ) I felt the first frisson of rebellion ; of claiming something which was mine and mine alone . I liked how it felt . And so I continued . At that age , my lies were small and meaningless . I didn 't do bad things , such as steal then blame it others or deny my own complicity . I simply lied as a way of keeping a private space around myself ; keeping out the prying , controlling eyes of my mother . Sometimes , I 'd set things up just so I could tell a fib . For example , I 'd put a toy in my pocket and take it outside , but tell her I was going out to play with something else . There was no real point to this . It wouldn 't have mattered to her one way or the other , but it was secretly thrilling to me to have this way of keeping a part of me out of her reach ; to have her not know everything about me ; to carve out a tiny corner of privacy for myself in my childhood life where I had so little control . This continued and soon became a habit . When I got to school , I lied to my teachers and others in authority . They were the same kind of small white lies that meant nothing in the larger scheme of things , but it was already an addiction . It was my identity . To me , the lying created a bubble around me which nobody could permeate . It was a way of protecting myself from others , most especially those in authority . When I finished university , I worked at some really bad , low - paying , worthless jobs for a couple of years . I was lazy and didn 't care much about anything . I partied a lot with friends and was often hung over at work . I got fired often . ( And I lied to my bosses all the time ! ) I knew it would go against me to list all those pathetic jobs I 'd had ; to say honestly what I 'd been doing for the past few years . There wasn 't a single employer who would have given me a decent reference . And I couldn 't very well leave that period blank on my resume . Instead , I created a fiction that I 'd been traveling though India and Asia ; teaching in small villages here and there . There were not enough details for anyone to check up on me . Besides , it had nothing to do with the job I was applying for . Not as if they were going to attempt to locate some fictional grade school in India . I didn 't speak about my " travels " . I wasn 't as if I 'd been trying to impress my potential co - workers with my tales of adventure . Still , word got around , and from time to time I was called upon to answer a question or settle a bet . If I didn 't know the answer , I just made something up . Nobody seemed to notice or care . Back then , there weren 't too many ways of checking up on these things . I let them see me as they wished to see me . I let them project their own thoughts , desires , and expectations on me and didn 't correct them . I was happy to remain safe from their prying eyes . I was content to live inside my own head , with my own thoughts , in a domain that nobody could enter . I was such a facile liar , I had no tells - no give - away twitch or inappropriate smile . Perhaps that was because , for the most part , my lies were not particularly egregious . At least , that 's how they felt to me at the time . Nobody seemed to really care what I thought , anyway . Ultimately , of course , my lies isolated me . There was not a single person with whom I was completely honest . Nobody ever knew me as I really was . What began as defiance ended up a lifelong habit that made intimacy impossible . Addendum : This entity ( male energy , I think ) told me this story over the course of two days . As happens with some of these , I get images and emotions in drips and drabs during my everyday life . I can " feel " the story coming , wanting to get out , but it 's only when I sit down in a meditative state that they really come through in all their detail . Tonight I was meditating and he came to me again , but this time telling me his stories in greater detail . I could literally feel him as a small child in his room . In the middle of this meditation and channeling , however , I became distracted by other images which were also calling me strongly ( more on this later ) . And when I came back to The Liar , he scolded me ! " Pay attention , " he said . " I 'm trying to tell you my story ! " The meditation was very deep tonight . I was in a relaxed and open state . As The Liar was narrating to me , I saw another figure - the outline of a human form comprised of white light . It was standing at the end of a long corridor . Behind it , a doorway - also filled with white light . I didn 't want to go there yet . I was trying to focus on The Liar 's story since he was being so insistent . So , I went back to The Liar . And while he was talking , another unrelated spirit came into my head , with his own story . ( which I will tell in the next post ) The two of them battled for my attention , until I finally heard them both out to the end . When I crossed the threshold , I saw it was filled with thousands ( millions ? ) of other white light entities . I thought , " Wow ! So many stories here ! Each one , with something different to tell ! " I felt like the Barbara Walters of the afterlife , interviewing and writing about between - life spirits ! I felt very welcome there . Again I was told , come back any time . I felt a lot of souls wanting to reveal their lessons . I was not sleeping . I was not tripping . I was not hallucinating . Granted , I might have been " merely imagining " but then , who knows how " communicating with the other side " really works ? Or if it 's even real . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! I had my first drink when I was around ten . My parents were having a party and I sneaked out of my room and watched them through the bannister on the upstairs landing . The adults all seemed so much more sophisticated than they did when I saw them during the day . The women , in their little black dresses and high - heeled shoes . The bursts of laughter from various corners as people told jokes or funny stories or made a clever remark . I watched a neighbor slip a kiss to a man who wasn 't her husband . There was music playing , and the sound of ice clinking in glasses . People danced and snuggled on the couch . They were happy . I couldn 't wait to grow up and be part of that sophisticated world . It was late when the last guest left . My parents ignored the mess and went up to bed , leaving the cleanup for morning . Once they were in their room , I tiptoed downstairs . I could still smell the mingle of perfume , cigarette smoke and human pheromones . I picked up a glass that had an inch or so of some kind of liquor - I 'm not sure what it was . I sat on a high stool near the small bar in the corner of the living room and in my pajamas , imagined having a conversation with several sophisticated people at once . I imagined them all laughing at something witty I 'd just said . I picked up the glass and had a sip . The taste was awful but at the same time , it was as if a key had slipped into a lock and opened something inside my head . A rush of chemistry surged through my blood . I felt complete in a way I 'd never felt before . It was as if I 'd been missing this but only now just knew it . From that point on , to drink was both an act of pleasure and of defiance . I wanted it and I was not going to let any rules get in the way of my having it . I wondered what other secrets the grownups were keeping from me . It was around then that I stopped trusting what others told me about " good " and " bad . " Who decided which was which ? Why did I have to go along with the rest of the world , anyway ? I started the way many alcoholics do : I raided my parents ' liquor cabinet . I started at the back , with the weirder stuff that they rarely touched . By the time they got around to it , they would never remember how much had been left in the bottle . So it was crème de menthe , peach schnapps . Pretty awful stuff , especially straight up . From there , I moved up to the gin and vodka which I replaced by volume with water . If they noticed , I never found out . I was careful not to replace too much . I did the same with my friends ' parents ' liquor cabinets . Some of them had bottles I 'd never seen before in my parents ' bar . Foreign , unpronounceable names . Years and numbers , as if they were something special . They seemed exotic . I had a French teacher when I was 15 . By the end of the first week , I knew she was an alcoholic . I recognized the signs . I 'd see her around in the morning and she 'd seem normal , but by the time I sat in her class in the afternoon , she was already a bit drunk . She 'd slur her words ; lose track of her thoughts ; bob and weave a bit when she walked . I quickly figured out this meant she kept a bottle close at hand . I took it . I had no fear of being caught . I knew she would never , could never , report it stolen . Anyway , she was an adult . At worst , for her a missing bottle was an inconvenience and the loss of a some pocket money . I told myself I was doing a service to my fellow students - she 'd be sober for at least one afternoon 's classes . I knew she 'd replace it ; I knew she couldn 't be without . Several days later , I stole it again . It took her a week or so to realize someone was taking her desk bottle ; that she hadn 't just misplaced it or finished it and forgotten to buy more . When I went to look for it the next time , it wasn 't there . I figured she 'd hidden it somewhere else . She needed a few shots to get through the afternoon , and she needed easy access to it . It took me a couple of days to locate the new hiding place , and that was only because I didn 't have much time to search . It became a game . She would find a new spot , and I would look until I found it . ( It rarely took me more than a week . ) I drank and entertained myself for the entire school year playing cat and mouse with that one teacher . As I got older , I became more creative about finding ways to drink . I also started to know more people who were above legal drinking age . I was able to exchange favors - sexual and otherwise - for a bottle or two . By the time I was of drinking age myself , I 'd learned quite a few tricks about how to drink for free . Mainly , it helped to be funny and charming , to know a lot of good stories and jokes . That 's how one got invited to all the parties . And when you 're entertaining , people always want to ply you with liquor . I was The Drunk at every party . Sometimes , I was the only drunk guest . But I never got sappy or obnoxious . Even in my alcoholic haze , I never lost control . I was still able to be funny . Sure , I slurred my words and occasionally knocked things over , but I never vomited on anyone 's rug ( or in anyone 's bathroom , either , for that matter . ) I never said or did anything that was hurtful . I would often get very affectionate . Liquor made me happy ; it made me love the world and myself and all of mankind . Sometimes , I 'd lose track of others ' conversation and became confused about what they were talking about . I 'd make a comment about what I thought they were discussing when in fact I had missed the point entirely . In turn , they were confused by my remarks because to them they made no sense . Of course they made sense to me , based on what I believed they were talking about . I developed a reputation for saying these crazy , off - topic things . But they made people laugh , so they kept me around . I had a decent career which enabled me to support myself . Ultimately , however , it was always about the next drink . I never loved anyone or anything as much as I loved the feeling I got from liquor . I only dated other alcoholics because the sober ones always pushed me to quit . Yes , I was an alcoholic , but quite a functional one . I saw no need to stop something that gave me so much pleasure . But just because my life was relatively functional , didn 't mean there wasn 't damage - to my body , to my brain to my resistance . I got old , fast . The best thing that could have happened to me would have been a small car accident or a crazy drunken tirade in the wrong company or an arrest for some inebriated infraction . Any one of those might have served as a wake - up call . Instead I managed to live in the no - man 's land of functional alcoholism . I never fully acknowledged to myself how my craving for liquor was stronger than anything else inside me . My entire life , I chased chemical spirituality . I was beneath any true understanding or enlightenment . And that was the tragedy of my life . addendum : I should add that I , myself , do not drink nor have I ever . None of the people I knew growing up were like this . None of my adult friends are like this . This is definitely not coming from me ! ! ! Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! I believe in the redemptive power of love . It is the prism through which everything passes . It is the path along which the most important lessons are learned . Love turns you inward ; directs you to where the most important answers are . To love is to commit to working on everything that prevents us from becoming our best self . We commit to knowing our own true self , and when we have discovered it , all things become clear . The result is true intimacy - with ourselves , with each other , with the universe . I was a precocious child , adorable and smart as a whip . Things came easily to me . I mastered whatever was put before me quickly and perfectly . I could not understand why others struggled with things that came to me so naturally . I always aimed for perfection ( and usually achieved it ) because I loved being praised for my cleverness . It made me feel special and more important than everyone else . As I grew up , I become more and more accomplished at various things . I could do more in a day than anyone else I knew . I looked down upon those who could not complete tasks which to me were simple ; or solve problems when the solutions seemed obvious to me . I felt pity and contempt for the lazy , the ineffectual , those who did not have the capacity to do what needed to be done . I assumed that anyone who claimed not to be capable of these things was just being lazy or purposely obtuse . I had no patience or compassion for those who struggled with what ( to my mind at least ) should have been straight - forward tasks and easy - to - attain goals . I entered the business world and was extremely successful . It never occurred to me that I would be otherwise . I went over and above what others expected of me , always working hard to top what I 'd done before . I was driven , but the rewards were great . The downside was that I pushed others relentlessly . I expected them to value perfection as I did . If I asked someone to do something and the result did not meet my high standards , I would get angry or dismissive or even cruel . I had no use for imperfect people . Those who wanted to work with me and for me , knew what was expected of them . Failure , laziness , mistakes , miscalculations were not options . There was no place for laziness in a relationship . How difficult was it to get things right ? All they had to do was pay close attention , watch how I did it , and learn the right way . Wasn 't it better to do things the correctly than to make mistakes ? Wasn 't it better to be industrious than to be lazy ? My motto was " Properly not sloppily . " How convinced I was about this ! How sure I was right ; that my way was the best and only way . I worked myself relentlessly towards perfection in everything . I had no respect for the journeys of others . No compassion for their challenges . No empathy . No understanding of different values . And worst , no ability to feel or give unconditional love . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! I was just 27 . I had my whole life in front of me . I had a good job , career prospects , lots of friends . One night , I went into the city to meet a buddies for drinks . It was late when I left them to head home . I was a bit tipsy but not exactly drunk . A man on the street approached me , asking for directions . I stopped to help him . After that was a blur . I woke up groggy , bound with nylon rope , in the trunk of a car , bumping along very potholed roads . I had no idea where I was . Or why . Or how . It took a while for me to put it together , but he must have drugged me somehow . Maybe stuck me with something . I didn 't remember . Finally , we came to a stop . When he opened the trunk and pulled me out , we were in a garage … not a house garage but a commercial one , like a chop shop . I had no idea exactly where we were but my sense was that it was in a remote , industrial part of an outer boro , far from prying eyes and out of earshot of anyone who could help me . My captor was insane . That much was obvious . I was terrified . I knew I was going to die at his hands , but I didn 't know how , which terrified me more . He started with the tools for breaking apart cars , and took me apart slowly , methodically . He knew was he was doing . He took pleasure in my pain . As soon as I realized what was happening , I tried to will my soul out of my body , so I would die faster . It didn 't work as quickly as I prayed it would . When I passed across , as soon as I felt my soul leave my corporeal form , I was met by others ; other young men he 'd killed in the same way . New York has a serial killer but nobody knows it . He disposes of bodies so well , none of us were ever found . We are all still listed as mysteriously missing persons . Nobody suspects that all our disappearances are related ; the work of one man . Nobody is looking for a single killer . He is too clever for them . Our bodies are in the Gowanus Canal , but no one would ever think to look for us there . Even if they did , they would never find us . We are melted into the toxic soup . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! " Someday " became tomorrow . Tomorrow became next week . Next week became next year , until one by one , the windows closed for me on all my dreams . I never completely threw myself into any of those pursuits . In my heart of hearts , I never believed the things I most wanted were possible . I didn 't think I was good enough to deserve them . I didn 't believe I was clever enough to grab them and hold on to them , even if they were within reach . It was easier and safer to simply fantasize , and perhaps blame others , or circumstances , or even some completely unrelated flaw in myself for the unfulfillment of my dreams . I never started my own business , which I 'd always fantasized about . Instead , I stuck with my boring but reliable job until I finally retired . It was the safe choice but of course , how could I have ever achieved my dream until I 'd been willing to take a risk . Which I was not . I never traveled to all the exotic places I thought I wanted to go ; never explored the world . Truth was , I barely ventured out of my comfort zone . I never went to places where I didn 't understand the language . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to communicate ; that the food would be too strange for me to eat ; that I wouldn 't understand the money and end up being taken advantage of . I always wanted to learn to play a music instrument . Maybe piano . Perhaps guitar . In my fantasies , I was quite good . I would entertain my friends at parties . But in truth , I never took a lesson . Never stuck with anything long enough to even get past the most rudimentary familiarity with a chord or a scale . Most problematic of all , I never really found love . None of those other things would have mattered if I 'd given up those pursuits in exchange for another person 's happiness . But that was not the case . I had several long - term relationships , but the longest one lasted only about seven years . Never a lifetime commitment and all it entailed . Maybe I never met the right person . Maybe I was never ready for it . Maybe I was not open to it . Maybe it was simply not my destiny in that life . I still haven 't figured it out . I thought I loved a few of them , but looking back , while some relationships were emotionally intense , they were not really loving . I felt no deep commitment in any of them . I was content as long as things were going well , but as soon as things got rocky , I saw no point in sticking around . I 'm not even sure that more of a commitment on my part would have made any difference . Let 's face it . Sometimes , you just have to cut your losses . But then , sometimes , you have to see it out past the bad or inconvenient stuff and hope it turns a corner . I was never good at knowing which was which , nor very patient at waiting to see how it would turn out . Perhaps the right person might have inspired me to put it more of an effort . Perhaps I was the one who needed to be the inspiration . I never had children either . I always thought that , too , would just happen . But it never did . Never the right time . Never the right person . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! I was born in an unfortunate time . As a very young child , I was taught to walk quickly , keep my head down , never look strangers in the eye and certainly never to speak to them . I learned to blend into the background and make myself invisible . I was too small to completely understand what was going on , but I sensed enough to understand that the adults were deeply fearful . As things got worse and as I began to become more aware of what was happening around us , the fear took hold of me , too , like tentacles . It did not let go . I felt the panic everywhere ; it emanated from everyone . I could smell it in their sweat . I could sense it in the darting eyes , the furtive glances , and the hushed , secretive conversations which ended abruptly the moment they became aware I was in the room . Over time , I could feel it getting worse . Grownups started to disappear . Some neighbors - a father and son - went off to work in the morning and never came home . People said they saw them being taken away . My school friend 's mother went off alone to the market , never to return . At first , nobody could believe the truth because it was too terrible to comprehend . They could not believe that such a thing could happen to them , in modern times , in a modern country . This was not the middle ages ! Soldiers shot an old man in the middle of the street and kicked him as he lay bleeding to death . They laughed . This news sent chills , waves of nausea , horror , terror through the community . One night , the soldiers came to our building . We heard them calling in the street and ran to our places . They weren 't afraid of our hiding . They were on to our game . I could hear them , banging on doors , kicking them in , shooting off their guns . I heard screaming of people I knew . " Why ! ? Why are you doing this ? " they asked . " We 've done nothing wrong ! " they cried . It was like a mouse trying to reason with a hungry cat . I knew what was happening . I 'd seen it a few nights before , when they went to the building across the street . Shivering , terrified people in their pajamas stood outside in the cold , guarded by other soldiers with guns . But this night , I was in my place , huddled in a ball , trying not to sob or make any noise , though I was sure they could hear my heart pounding even in the street . I heard them come into our apartment . It was empty , or so it seemed . Maybe on spite for not finding anyone , or for fun , or out of pure evil or because they were too lazy to really look for us , they shot up our apartment . They laughed and fired bullets everywhere , as if they never had to worry about a lack of them . I found only my mother still alive . The soldiers ' bullets had penetrated the other hiding places and had killed my father , my brother and my grandmother . My mother wouldn 't let me look but I remember the blood dripping from my brother 's secret spot . That night , my mother packed up a small bag with some clothing , photos , whatever small valuables she had , and a enough food to take us only until the next day . She said a few prayers - it was the best we could do , because we could not bury our family properly - and we left . I had no idea where we were going . I don 't think she did either , but we both understood in our own way that remaining there was impossible . I remember walking for a long time . The next year or so was a blur to me . We moved all the time . We lived in hiding , like fugitives , like animals . Some people were kind . They gave us food and shelter , at great danger to themselves , but we were afraid to trust or endanger anyone too much . My mother learned about some people who might provide false documents for us , and we traveled to see them . It was a far and dangerous journey but we had no choice . We were among the lucky ones . We got the papers and my mother found a way for us to leave the country . I don 't know how she did it . She never spoke of it . When I brought up the subject , she closed down completely , overcome with such obvious sadness and pain , I quickly learned never to ask . It was a secret she took to her grave . I always suspected she gave herself to a man in exchange for this favor , and could not bear to think about the shame she felt at betraying my father . She did it for me . This I know . She would not have done it for herself , alone . We went on a boat , across the sea . And later , another boat , across an ocean . We started a new life in a new land . We assimilated as best we could , and had , by outside appearances , a normal life . My mother never remarried . She lived to 91 . The sorrow and fear never left her eyes . I think , until the day she died , she always expected them to come for her and her family again . I married and had children and tried my best not to transfer my lingering mistrust of strangers to them , my mistrust of life in general , nor my paranoia nor my deep sense of loss of the life I might have lived had my world not been turned upside down . I 'm not sure I succeeded very well . I think it was all well - embedded in my genes . Here is what I know : There is no such thing as permanence . The life you think you are living can be pulled out from under you at any time . You comfort yourself with the belief that although such atrocities might have happened in the past , they could never happen again . Humans can be so bitterly cruel to each other , it 's hard to comprehend they are of the same species . Without vigilance , life quickly becomes tragedy . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thank you always for your continued support . photo : Warsaw Ghetto Uprising Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Tomorrow morning is Ben 's surgery to remove the mole from his cheek . I was watching him play today , thinking he has no idea what is going to happen to him tomorrow . I feel bad for him , that he has to go through this , even though I know it is for the best . It makes me sad and I will be glad to get it over with . We have been praying about it and for Ben and that there will be no issues with the surgery and that the scar will be very small , etc . , for a while now . It 's hard to believe it 's already here . Time sure is flying by these days ( these days , with children keeping me busier than I ever imagined I would be : ) . We have to be at the hospital at 6 : 00am . I think the surgery starts at 7 : 00am , although I 'm not sure if that 's when they start preping him for surgery or if that is when the actual surgery starts . They said the actual surgery should only take about 10 or 12 minutes . They will first give him some gas to put him out and then they will insert his IV and intubate him and all that stuff . The doctor said that the hardest part for Ben will be when he is coming out of the anesthesia . He said that toddlers of this age always have a hard time with that , because they are confused and don 't like the feeling . From what I have heard , when he very first starts waking up , we may not be with him , which is a bummer . Hopefully we will be with him very soon after and he probably won 't remember much of it anyway , until he is more awake . My sister and mom are on their way here now . They are going to spend the night with us and take care of Nick while we are at the hospital tomorrow . I am so very thankful that we live so close to them , that my mom is doing better and that they are able to be with Nick while we are gone . I think Nick will be a bit uneasy because he has never been left by himself before . He has never been away from mommy , daddy and Ben , all at the same time before . He should do well with my sister and mom though . He knows them very well and feels very comfortable around them . He frequently asks about them when they are not here . He loves spending time with them and my sister is wonderful at playing with kids and entertaining them . She will make sure he is kept very busy , I 'm sure . I still hate it that I won 't be here when he wakes up . After my hospital adventure , I worry that he will think that I will be away for a long time again . I know I just have to turn this over to God and not worry or be anxious about it and everything will be fine . I am thinking that the doctor said something about 10 : 00 . . . . maybe that we would be done around that time or something . I could be wrong though . I will be glad to get it over with . . . . did I say that once already ? Have I told you how much I love these two little guys ? They are growing up way too fast . I think we will be dressing them up in their little costumes and taking them trick - or - treating to a couple of nearby houses this evening . It will be fun . We took the boys to their first ever dentist appointment today . My husband met us there and I was feeling kind of bad about asking him to do that . I mean , what stay at home mom asks her husband to go with her to take the kids to the dentist . But you know what ? I am so thankful that I did and that he was there . The office was a very nice , kid - friendly office . That was great . We really liked the ship decor and the toy and book selections . They have video games for older kids , a flat - panel TV screen attached to each dental chair and a very open layout . When it was our turn , someone came to the waiting room and called Ben and Nick . We all got up and went into the exam room . It is one large , open room with many exams chairs and the doors to the waiting room have windows so the parents can look in and see their kid . But we went in because we knew there was no way our little just - two - year - olds ( and Nick not even that yet ) would go in without us . I had been talking this up to the boys all morning , telling them how they would get to sit in the " big " chair and how the dentist would look at their teeth , etc , etc . Nick was all excited and jumped right up in the chair . They weren 't ready for him to be in the chair yet and he soon tired of it and the little cartoon playing on the attached flat - panel screen , he got down and wanted me to hold him . Soon after , the dentist came along and talked to my husband and I for a minute . Then he was ready to have Nick sit in the chair . I asked Nick if he wanted to sit in the chair and he emphatically shook his head no ( I was holding him at this point ) . I asked him a couple of times and he repeated the " no " head shake . I started to sit him in the chair and he clung to me , clearly getting ready to scream and cry and very afraid of the situation . Do you know what the dentist said ? He said " you 're just going to have to force him into the chair and hold his hands down " . I was shocked . I stood there in shock . Not knowing what to do next , I looked at my husband for guidance . He immediately said he would sit and hold him and he took Nick and sat down in the chair and kind of laid him back so the dentist could look into his mouth . They made it work and Nick was not too upset by this . The dentist spent all of about one minute , maybe , looking at Nick 's teeth and counting them and declared them fine . Ben was next and he was not as happy to lay in dad 's lap but , after a couple of seconds , he loosened up and was fine too . The dentist spent maybe an extra couple of seconds on Ben , because he fell yesterday and bloodied his upper lip and the gums just above one of his front teeth . He wants him to come back in 8 weeks to have it checked again and have an XRay . This is a pediatric dental office . When I was filling out the first - time paperwork , there was a question asking if the child had ever had a bad dental experience in the past . If my husband had not been there , all three of us would have had a very bad dental experience today . I could not believe that this man did not try to engage the kids or talk to them before examining them . He talked to them in the exact same voice that he used with us , not in the nice , funny - sweet kind of voice that our doctor always uses and the boys love . The ONLY thing he did that even remotely resembled what I would think of as a pediatric dental thing was that he asked them if they wanted to hold the little mirror that they use to look at teeth . Nick held it for a second but Ben did not want to . Oh , and they each got a toy but it wasn 't the dentist who gave it to them . Other than that , nothing . Completely nothing kid - friendly about this pediatric dentist whatsoever . I was just really shocked by this . This is definitely not what I had expected from a pediatric dentist . I kind of wondered because of what they had told me on the phone when I made the appointment ( thinking two barely two - year - olds might be willing to march into the exam room all by themselves and hop up into the chair ) but then they also said they just want to make sure their first visit is a good experience so I thought they would know how to make it a good experience for them . They certainly did not and we won 't be going back to this pediatric dentist anytime soon . I am sorely disappointed and really kind of outraged that this guy even calls himself a pediatric dentist . Maybe he was just having a bad day but this definitely did not meet my expectations . I have no idea what this two minute exam cost but , whatever it cost , it was too much . I was trying to get the boys to pose for a birthday picture for dad , to put in his new frame , with their hands in the " praying " position . They noticed this in a book recently and I explained it to them so they have been doing it lately when we pray . But it was a no - go , for the picture posing effort . Regardless of that , take a look at the bottom of N 's house shoes , for another example of my creative use of duct tape . They really enjoy playing with these aqua doodle toys that their Aunt D got them for their birthdays . They play with them every day . Now they are asking me to write letters on them . We are working on letters A through F now . Here is the pumpkin the dad carved . He did a great job . Next time , I will have to take pictures of the action . The boys really like the face , especially when it is lit . Unfortunately the light burnt out so we will have to buy a new one . We are using one of our night lights : ) . Don 't mind the bit of purple in pumpky 's face . Another picture of Ben . It looks like he is whistling . The boys both got hair cuts on Saturday evening and I got mine cut on Sunday morning , so we are all sporting new do 's . The dad cut them all so it was free : ) ! He is really doing a great job on the boys ' hair cuts these days . He has learned how to do it where it looks like it was done by a pro . He has been cutting my hair since before we were married . He always does a great job on mine and I love it that I am not paying someone $ 50 , or whatever the going rate is , to cut it these days . And one last picture of Nick , poking his face as Aunt D taught him to when he smiles . They are such cutie pootie 's but I was ready to clobber them this morning . It seems like behavior is a challenge on Mondays . On Friday Nick came into the kitchen , carrying a Mega - Blocks creation he had made , and told me " umbrella " . It actually looked more like a large " T " but I thought it was pretty creative for a less than 2 - year - old child and he was very excited about how he thought it looked like an umbrella . The dad drove up right around that time so Nick proudly showed him the umbrella too . Last night we were reading bedtime stories and Ben very clearly said " night night bear " . I think we are very close to starting two or three word sentences around here and pronunciation is improving rapidly . Did I mention that we had our last visit from SoonerStart ? We ended our participation in the program because the boys are on track and we didn 't want to use free state services that we don 't need . I thank the Lord , frequently , that they are doing as well as they are . What a blessing ! We left the boys in their class yesterday morning at church and they cried as usual . We stepped around the corner to listen and they stopped very quickly . I think they are actually very comfortable in that class . They were playing happily when we returned . We were asked to help out in the class during the second hour so we did that , rather than attend the church service . We had four children , in addition to our two . Our two boys and one other girl were about the same age and the other three were a bit younger . The youngest was a little 18 month old , spunky girl and there were three boys and three girls , including ours . It was fun to play with all of them and see their different personalities . When I was out and about the other day , I heard someone say " boys are wild " . I thought , " no they 're not . My boys are not wild " . Of course , we don 't have little girls in our house so we are more used to little boys and cannot make a good comparison . After watching their class at church , I must admit that our boys were a bit more " wild " than the little girls or even the younger boy in the class . It was somewhat of a revelation to us . I don 't mean wild in a bad way though . I think they are pretty well behaved , most of the time . Just that they made a bit more noise ( truck noises when pushing the trucks and buses around ) and they enjoyed knocking down blocks more than building them up . . . that sort of stuff . I love their boy noises and " wildness " . I am happy to say that I have even gotten to a point where I enjoy their messes , most of the time anyway . I enjoy seeing their toys scattered around the house . It is now part of our routine to pick up and clean up before nap time and bed time so I no longer stress about it . They are so good about helping . Ben was even helping us to clean up their classroom without us even asking him . It was very sweet . I think I also forgot to mention that we had a nice visit from some friends the other day . You regulars may remember me talking about another family , who lives within a couple of miles from us , who were also adopting two boys from Volgograd , Russia . She brought her two boys over for a visit and they are simply adorable . They are both kindergarten age and have been here for about 4 months now . They are doing so well , it was amazing to see . They are picking up the language very quickly . They are both happy little guys and seem to have no serious attachment issues . . . . lots of great eye contact , loved hugs and affection from their mom , etc . It was so nice to see and very nice to meet them . My two enjoyed watching them play , playing along with them and following and imitating them . I 'm sure we 'll be seeing more of them in the future . Big events this week are their dentist appointment tomorrow and Ben 's surgery on Thursday morning . I talked to the receptionist at the dentist office , asking how they do what they do for first time , 2 - year - old visitors . She said that someone will come to the waiting room and call their names and , if they will walk back there and do it by themselves , I can wait in the waiting room . ( yeah , right ) If not , I can go back with them and then , if they seem to be doing well , I can go back to the waiting room to wait . ( yeah , right ) If not , I can stay with them . She said they don 't really pressure them to do anything on their first visit . They just want it to be a good experience . I will be shocked if either of them will even sit in the chair without a bit of pressure . I would have thought they would have the child sit in mom 's lap in the chair , on the first visit , if the child would not get in the chair alone . We 'll see how it goes . Maybe they will surprise me . ( yeah , right ) We are having such a beautiful fall day today and we have enjoyed some time outside . The dad was raking and picking up branches , preparing to mow , while the boys ran around and played with sticks . It is amazing how long they can entertain themselves without any toys present anywhere . They love to run up and down small hills , over and over again , and a stick can provide loads of fun for a long period of time . Well , bummer . I keep getting an error message when I try to upload a picture . I 'll have to try again later . The dad has taken the boys with him to run errands so I should take advantage of this time to get a few things done . Didn 't mean to leave anyone hanging about the concern for Nick 's painful knee . After nap , he seemed to be walking a bit stiffly on his right leg for a little while , although he did not complain or seem to notice . After being up and around for a short while , he seemed perfectly fine and we did not see any issues the rest of the evening . My arm is really sore from that flu shot . I am hoping the boys are not feeling this in their leg , where they got their flu shot . I don 't remember it being this sore the last time I got it . I made a mistake in the last post . It was two years ago that I got the flu shot for the first time and also had the flu that January , for the first time . Last January we were in Russia : ) . We can 't remember if I took the flu shot last winter or not , although I am thinking I probably did . I have been a bit out of sorts this week . Even though it was my husband that took the trip to Vancouver , the boys and I have been a bit off schedule . I am thankful today is Friday and we are slowly getting back to normal . We have the first dentist appointment for the boys coming up on Tuesday and Ben 's surgery to remove the large mole on his face on Thursday . My sister will be coming to spend the night on Wednesday night , since we have to be at the hospital with Ben so early on Thursday . She will be taking care of Nick for us , which really helps a lot . The boys are not used to spending much time apart . We have recently been separating them to run errands but , other than that , they are always together and they really miss each other when they are apart . The only times they have been apart have been when they are with us . So this will be the first time that either of them have ever been left alone with anyone else . I am so relieved that my sister is able to be here to take care of Nick . She is so good with the boys and they really love her a lot . She is always playing with them and talking to them so I know she will do a great job of keeping Nick busy while we are gone . I still have not arranged for a babysitter so my husband and I could go out on a date . I really need to do that . I have great intentions but then something always seems to come up . . . . or maybe I am making excuses . The boys seems so out of sorts with my husband being gone and were so whiny and clingy after he got back , I didn 't think of trying to hire a babysitter for this weekend . And then , next weekend will be just after Ben has his surgery , so I don 't know that that will be a good time either . But I really need to move forward with this . I know I do . I know it would be good for my husband and I and it would also be good for the boys , in the long run . Sometime soon . The boys had their two - year check up this morning and it went very well . The three of us also got our flu shots . This is my second year to get one . Last year was my first year to get a flu shot and it was also the first year that I ever got the flu , funny enough . My doctor said I should get the shot though because my lung is probably still not 100 % recovered from the pneumonia I had recently . If I get the flu again this year , I 'm not going to be too excited about taking that shot again . I was changing Nick 's diaper , in preparation for nap time , and he suddenly started crying very hard , as if he was in pain . I asked him what was wrong and , at some point , he started saying " knee , knee " and pointing to his right knee . When he got up and started walking around , he would fall down , every time he put weight on his right leg . He was no longer crying about it but seemed a bit confused and kind of thought it was half - funny . After a while , he was bearing more weight on it , although keeping it more bent at the knee than normal and limping quite badly and falling into things . We went upstairs for nap time and he wanted to walk up the stairs holding the hand rail , which is the fun thing to do lately , although he can barely reach it well enough . He tried it for maybe one or two steps and realized he could not do it and wanted me to carry him up . Just outside the door to his room , he said " walk " so I put him down and he limped into his room . I am anxious to see how he is when he wakes up . Before changing his diaper , he and Ben had started fighting over a toy and he was trying to hit Ben on the head . So I pick him up and sat him in a nearby chair and talked to him about not hitting . He kept saying " car " because he wanted to get back down and play again but he had a dirty diaper so I told him we needed to change his diaper and I carried him to the living room . He was kicking his legs as I carried him but then he got down and ran over to get a book out of the book basket and then climbed up on the large ottoman for his diaper change . He seemed perfectly fine until , all of a sudden , he started crying and was clearly in pain . Hopefully he will be all better when he wakes up . The duct tape on the diaper has not failed us so far . As hard as it is for us to remove , I seriously doubt the little guys are going to find a way to take their diapers off again , although they still enjoy removing their clothing . The bummer of that is that we have to keep it warmer upstairs , which dries out sinuses and noses and stuff , while they are sleeping . It would be nice if I could find some PJ 's that they cannot remove . I will be going out shopping for them soon . If you know of any good brands that are difficult for them to take off , let me know . The duct tape usage saga continues . The pair of slippers that are more loose kept falling off . I had tried to use duct tape to hold some folded kleenex in the heel of the slippers , to make them fit more snugly but it just kept coming out . I ended up using duct tape to make a strap and then I taped the strap across the slipper , where it opens for the foot . Now we can still slip their foot in , under the strap , but the strap keeps the slipper from falling off . The slippers now look like very strange ballet slippers : ) . It is funny looking but it is working . The next time I have some time to run by Toys R Us , I will pick up another pair of the slippers that fit more snugly . Until then , the strange ballet version will have to do . We are also still struggling with the slipperiness of the slippers , as the stuff that I taped to the bottoms fall off after a period of time . For now , I just keep taping it back on . I may ended up just making my own slippers , completely out of duct tape : ) . ( just kidding ) Yesterday , my mom and sister came to visit , which was wonderful and we all enjoyed it so much . Mom was looking so much better , although her energy level is still very low and she is a bit slow in getting around . My sister had played with the boys for quite a while , we had had lunch and we took them upstairs to put them down for their naps . They played and played and played . . . . which should have been a huge clue to me , since they really should have been very tired . At some point , I decided I should go up and check on them , since maybe one of them had a poopy diaper that was keeping him awake . They had probably been upstairs about 20 minutes or so at this time . It was very dark in their room but , when I walked in , I could see something that did not quite fit in , laying in Nick 's crib . I turned on the light to see both boys sitting in their cribs without their pants or diapers . Nick had pooped and it was all over his sheet and both boys had peed on their sheets also . Needless to say , I was not a happy camper . I am very thankful that Nick at least stayed out of the poop . He had not played with it or even touched it at all , which was a relief . The clean up was pretty quick actually , so that was good . I put their diapers on , backwards this time , and put them back down for their nap . When we were getting them ready for bed last night , I realized there is not as much padding in the back of the diapers as in the front . Knowing this would not be ideal for nighttime , especially when they are already wetting through their diapers on a fairly regular basis , we decided we needed a different approach . My husband suggested duct tape so we gave that a try . We taped their diapers from one hip to the other , past the tabs on each side and across the front , with one long piece of tape . Hopefully it won 't be too hard to get them out of their diapers this morning but it will be hard enough to keep them from taking them off . I have heard them stirring this morning so I 'm sure they will be up soon and I will find out how well it worked . Has anyone else had these kinds of issues ? I 'm sure that having two in the same room contributes to the mischief but they love being together so much that I don 't want to separate them . I know of a mom who has twins girls who went through this and she had to clean up a couple of really bad messes , where they had played in it : ( . Yuck . Hopefully we have nipped this in the bud . Today is the husband 's birthday ! YAY ! ! ! ! AND he comes home today ! YAY ! ! He was not scheduled to arrive until around 10 : 30 pm , or something like that , but was able to change his flight and will now be arriving around 3 : 30 pm - ish . YAY ! ! We have really missed him and can 't wait to have him back . . . . although I have been a bit lax about cooking while he has been away , which I have enjoyed : ) . I still prepared meals for us , of course , but they were easier and faster meals with no prep work required ( soup out of the can , frozen chicken pot pies , etc . ) . The boys never complained though and I did some house cleaning and completed several lifebook pages so the week was not a total wash . As for the husband 's birthday , he is the HARDEST person to find a gift for of anyone I have ever known . He enjoys reading but hardly ever has time and , when he does have time to read , he spends it reading his medical magazines or an occasional article in one of our other magazines . The only times I have seen him really reading novels was when we were on our honeymoon and during our trips to Russia and , even then , he took along medical literature to read also ( not on our honeymoon , just on the trips to Russia ; ) . He is not crazy about music ; neither of us are the ipod type . We typically listen to one of the local Christian radio stations and children 's music . Recently we have started listening to famous composers , such as Mozart , during dinner . The friends we stayed with in Arizona do this and we really enjoyed it when we were visiting them . It makes for a very peaceful and relaxing meal . He enjoys working out , swimming at the health club , riding his bike and lifting weights . I have already gifted him everything I can think of in this department . He has asked for a nice stop watch but I know him well enough to know that he will have to pick it out himself . . . . it 's either that or I pick it out , he sends it back and picks out the one he really wanted . He has also wanted a new briefcase ( I think that was last year ) but , there again , he has to pick that out too . So , I bought him a really neat picture frame , for a picture of the boys , although I don 't have a good picture of the two of them together to put into it yet . It is really getting hard to take their picture these days . I really like the candid pics but they are not as easy to sneak up on and , as soon as they see the camera , they run up to me , wanting to see the pictures I have taken . They are really NOT into posing for a picture at all . I tried to get them to sit on the couch together yesterday but it was just not happening . I 'm sure I will get one eventually . For now , I put a picture of Dancer and Zoe into the frame : ) . ( those are our cats : ) . I already did the picture - of - the - boys - in - a - nice - frame thing for father 's day . He loved it but I 'm sure it 's going to get old very fast . I 've told him to make a list of things he would like to have so I could pick something off of the list and surprise him ( sort of ) and he intended to do this but has not . So , he 's getting another picture frame . Hopefully he won 't read this while he is at the Denver airport between flights today . In case he does , Honey , you are getting another picture frame : ) . Love ya ! We use duct tape much more often now that we have children . Just today I used it for taping some rubbery stuff to the bottoms of the boys ' slippers and also to the front wheel of the new , small big - wheel toy that I bought yesterday with birthday money from my brother . I also mentioned in an earlier post how I used duct tape for fixing noisy toys . It really is a multi - purpose product and I would be lost without it : ) . The boys have yet to learn how to pedal their tricycles . I 'm not sure what age kids normally learn this . Granted , they have not had a whole lot of opportunity to practice , which is why I used some of their birthday money to purchase the small big - wheel toy for the house . Plus , they have one ride on toy and I thought they would have more fun if they both had something to ride . Now if they could just learn to pedal . I had enough birthday money left over to buy the boys some slippers . Once we got home and I had put together the small big - wheel ( which was a feat in and of itself ) , it became clear very quickly that we had a traction problem with the wood floors . One would think that all of the dirt on the floors would help with the traction but I guess not ( just kidding - the floors are not that dirty but I do need to sweep : ) . The boys were slipping and sliding in their new little slippers , despite the little ( very little ) plastic dots on the bottoms that are meant to prevent slipping and sliding . Also with the small big - wheel toy , even if they got lucky and happened to push the pedals correctly or if I was helping them do it , they would be sitting still with the front wheel spinning on the floor , which gave very little incentive to try using the pedals again . After some thought about this traction problem and a trip to the grocery store for much needed groceries , I had my solution . I bought some non - slip , non - stick shelf lining . You know , that rubbery stuff that you cut to size and lay on the shelf and you don 't need sticky stuff for it to stay in place . I cut it to size and used the duct tape to make it stay in place . Now we have non - slipping , non - sliding slippers and the front wheel of the small big - wheel is also non - slipping and non - sliding . Thank you duct tape . Now I just have to get them to try pedaling again . Day three without the husband and we are all missing him but we are doing pretty well . Yesterday afternoon , I started feeling like I was coming down with a cold , or it may just be allergies acting up again . Either way , I was feeling a bit under the weather so it was more of a challenge for me to be patient and fun . We went outside in the afternoon and that helped to pass the time more quickly . Although , I should have skipped bath time yesterday evening , because it was just too much and none of us were happy . But we did bath time and I ended up feeling a bit guilty for being mean mommy yesterday evening . Things are better today . I still feel a bit under the weather , which is why I went to the grocery store first thing this morning . Experience says I may feel worse as the day wears on , rather than better and we were out of a bunch of stuff . I 'm glad I got that over with and I am resting ( and typing ) during nap time , so I am conserving my energy for this afternoon / evening . I had not planned to go to church today . I vacillated on this a couple of times but I have not been brave enough to take the boys to church without the husband yet . Nobody uses strollers at our church and there are lots of stairs , which makes stroller use difficult at best . I have this fear that one of the boys ( or both ) would decide to have a melt down and I would have a hard time getting them to where we were going and taking care of them both . I know , they are not getting any smaller and it is probably not going to get easier . I just need to bite the bullet and do it and say a lot of prayers and let God ( and other church members , if necessary ) help me . Maybe the next time I am on my own I will give it a try . We 'll see . In other news , Ben is now in the mode of asking " bye bye ? " every morning after breakfast . If I tell him no , we are not going bye bye , he is very sad . I can 't quite figure this out because the only place we have been lately has been to various stores and he really dislikes shopping , as I have mentioned before . We are gradually moving toward an afternoon nap , which is one of the reasons I have been running more errands in the mornings , hence Ben 's request to go bye bye every morning . Ben is also still on the hunt for spiders ( or " bibbies " , as he says - the first ' i ' is pronounced like the ' i ' in spiders ) and I frequently hear him clapping his hands , while saying " bibby , bibby " , because he thinks he sees a spider . Nick will usually join in with the clapping and sometimes with the " bibby " chant , even if he has no idea where the spider is . They are good teammates , those two . We have several key dates coming up . The Husband 's birthday is this week and Nick 's birthday is the second week of November . Within the next two weeks , the boys have their two year check up , their first dentist appointment and Ben has surgery to remove the mole on his face . Also , my mom is feeling better each day . She is definitely not back to normal yet but she continues to improve a bit each day , so that 's great news . Her energy level is still low , which she finds frustrating but her appetite is back , which is a good thing because her protein levels have been low . Overall , things are looking up with her recovery . Thanks again for your prayers . The husband left this morning for Vancouver so the boys and I are on our own until Tuesday evening . Today went very well . The boys have been behaving much better these days , mostly because I have been behaving much better these days : ) . I have been doing a lot more praying lately and it definitely changes my attitude for the better , not surprisingly . We are all having a lot of fun together and they really played well together today . At one point when they were playing together , Nick was laughing really hard . . . that full , belly laugh that is so funny . I was laughing at him laughing but I was busy preparing lunch for them so I 'm not sure what he and Ben were doing that was so funny . They are becoming more physical and are spending more time jumping and climbing . One of their favorite things to do now is to climb on top of the large ottoman / coffee table , lay on their bellies and then use their hands / arms to kind of crawl / slide off head first . They get such a kick out of this and they love to do it over and over . I took the boys to two stores today , looking for something specific for their lifebooks . I 'm working on them again and I really made some good progress today . I had the boys in their stroller in the first store and they got restless and started whining pretty quickly . Ben , in particular , has no patience for shopping whatsoever , regardless if it is the grocery store or any other kind of store . He frequently can be heard saying " bye bye ? " " bye bye ? " ( it gets louder and whinier the more he says it ) , as we are shopping , clearly indicating that he is ready to go . Oh , and bye bye now sounds like bye bye , rather than die die , which is the way they used to say it : ) . In the second store we went to , I put them in a cart . As soon as we entered through the door of the store , Ben started crying and pointing back towards the door . He wanted to go back out and he was crying as if someone had really hurt his feelings , rather than the angry kind of cry . It was downright sad . I never found what I was looking for but I ended up buying $ 23 of scrap booking stuff anyway . They have some of the cutest things . I am much better off staying out of those stores , which is my usual practice . So our first day without daddy went well , although we miss him , of course . I am wondering if they will start misbehaving more when they really start missing their dad . We 'll see . I am trying to make sure our days are full , busy and interesting and also that I spend a lot of time playing and reading to them . And hopefully I can also finish more pages in their lifebooks . I really had not planned to do Halloween with the boys this year . I just thought they are so young , they won 't really get it and all of the costumes I had seen seemed very expensive . Today we were at Target , clothes shopping for warm clothes for the upcoming cooler weather , and I happened to see that they had some cute costumes that were less expensive than any of the others I had seen . So , we have a change of plans . When we got home , the boys wanted to try them on ( with some encouragement from me : ) . They really enjoyed looking at themselves in the mirror in their costumes . Here is Aunt D with the boys . She was really great with them and they enjoyed her so much . She kept them one day , while the husband and I ran a couple of errands . They didn 't cry when we left or when we returned . Aunt D kept them busy when we were gone , taking them outside for a walk and playing in the back of her truck . They were happy little clams , which was wonderful . Here is a picture of Ben , looking at Aunt D 's albino dove . She has had this bird for umpteen years ( can 't remember exactly how long but it is something like 13 or 17 years ) . This is a very sweet bird and Ben loved putting his finger in the cage and letting the bird peck him . She has two other birds , a love bird and a parakeet . Here is Nick , trying to give the kitten a kiss . This kitten is absolutely adorable . It is a Ragdoll kitten and will get very large . We all had fun watching the kitty 's antics . Nick and Ben , blowing out their candle . It took them a little while . Neither of them had enough air coming out of their mouth to make it that far . I think Ben finally blew it out . Opening gifts . After the birthday party we had at my sister 's house , the boys completely understand the idea of presents and opening gifts . No help required . They are opening Veggie Tales DVDs , which will come in handy the next time we cut hair or make a long road trip . These are the made - for - travel aqua doodles that Aunt D got for the boys . They love them and so do we . The pen is filled with water and it has a wick - type thing for the tip , which allows just a bit of water to come out at a time when they are writing . The marks on the page evaporate over a short amount to time . These are wonderful , no - mess writing pads , great for travel and also around the house . I saw Nick trying to write on the floor with the " pen " yesterday and I just smiled : ) . The hardest part is keeping track of the pens . Nick put one under the rug the other day but I was watching . We didn 't do any sight - seeing while we were in Arizona on this trip . It was a trip to visit with friends and family . When the boys are a bit older , we will head up to the Grand Canyon , as I have yet to see it and have always wanted to . Today I put the boys down for their nap at the normal time . They played and played . I went up and checked on them , told them not to jump in their cribs and to go night night . They played and played . Finally I went into their room , only to find Nick in his diaper , having taken his shirt and shorts off , and Ben in his shirt and diaper , having taken his shorts off too . They were quite proud of themselves and had obviously had a fun time . By this time , it was time for lunch so I dressed them and fed them their lunch . Afterwards , I put them back to bed and quickly went to look for Nick 's Ya Ya . I was only gone for maybe 3 minutes for so and returned to find both boys once again without their shorts and Nick without his diaper . I put his diaper back on backwards so hopefully that won 't happen again . They are still sleeping and we are now in the middle of a really bad thunderstorm so I am signing off . Oh , one more thing . I talked to my mom yesterday evening and she sounded better . She seems to be getting a bit better and stronger every day . Thanks again for your prayers . The boys are now really into saying " uh oh " about everything . They drop something and say " uh oh " . They shove their milk over on the table ( on purpose - thankfully it has a lid and straw ) and say " uh oh " . They drop food on the floor , sometimes on purpose , and say " uh oh " . It is very cute to hear them say this but , I am quickly coming to the point where , when I hear an " uh oh " coming from the other room , I dread to see what I will find when I go to investigate . The other word that they have picked up on is " ouch " , since they have heard me say it a few times . It is amazing how many words they know now . We were looking at a book last night and Nick pointed to a picture of a campfire in the book and said " fire " . I was surprised to hear that one . Normally I am the one who knows more of their words and who knows when they learn a new word , since I am with them most of the time . They must have learned that one from their dad . In other news , things break ! Before we left for Arizona , my hair dryer decided to start blowing cold air only . When we returned from Arizona , our air conditioner decided to quit working . It was low on freon and the outside unit was frozen up . Also after we returned from Arizona , the shower in our master bath leaked . . . . badly . My husband ordered a new hairdryer for me . It is the same brand as the one I had , which I had purchased from the salon I went to when we lived in Houston . It is an expensive hair dryer but they last a long time , since they are designed for salons , and it blows very very hot hair , which I need to keep my hair from being frizzy . I think I wrote something in an earlier post about taking your hair dryer to Russia . I 'm not sure exactly what I said and I don 't have time to search for it but I do believe that is what killed my hair dryer . . . . too many trips to foreign countries . The converters will allow the hair dryer to work but the fan does not blow quite fast enough and it eventually takes it 's toll on the heating element . So , take a cheapy hair dryer to foreign countries . We paid an air conditioner company around $ 470 to come out on a Saturday and fix our air conditioner ( rip off ) . One week later , it quit working again . . . on a Friday afternoon ( the outside unit blew a fuse and now it won 't even turn on ) . So we spent the weekend without an air conditioner on the first floor of our house and we don 't have any windows that open on the first floor . Fortunately it was relatively cool outside this weekend . We kept the blinds shut and ran the ceiling fans and we were OK . Hopefully our normal air conditioner guy will make it out here today to help us out . My husband turned a fan on the tile in our master bath , where the water had soaked it . He re - caulked the shower and we thought we would be able to use it again in a day or two . A week later and we are still taking showers in our guest room bath . The discoloring on the tile , from being soaked underneath ( we have not seen any water ; it is underneath the shower / bath tub / floor ) , continued to spread even though we were not using the shower and we had a fan blowing on the tile . My husband had to take the front panel off of the adjoining garden tub . He soaked up as much water as possible ( there was lots of it back in there ) and we still have a fan blowing on it . The tile will have to be replaced , as it is permanently stained . We won 't be able to match it so we will have to replace all of the tile in the master bath . The good news is we never liked that tile anyway and had talked about replacing it . It has lots of stains and stuff on it . I think it was never sealed properly or something . Hopefully we will be able to start using our shower again soon but I am thankful we have another shower we can use in the meantime . It is kind of funny how several things have broken at the same time . As for the update on my mom , I was able to go see her yesterday . The boys stayed home with their dad and I was able to go by myself to see my mom . It was so good to see her . I have really missed her because she has not even felt like talking on the phone lately . She got out of the hospital on Friday and she is starting to feel a little bit better , although I think she still has a ways to go before she is back to her old self . She looked a bit frail and I could tell she was really tired when I left . My sister , her two kids and another niece was there for a little while to . It was nice to see everyone . Thanks for your prayers for my mom . She really needed lots of prayer on her behalf and I really appreciate them . It has been hard to see her go through all of this and I am happy that she is done with chemo and is moving towards recovery . It was especially nice to get to go by myself and take a break from mommy - hood for a bit . I was really needing a break . Last week was really hard . The boys have really been testing a lot since we have been back from Arizona . I have been a bit hormonal myself and that 's not such a great mix . I came back feeling very refreshed and ready to enjoy my two beautiful sons again : ) . Sometimes , a mom just needs a little break to put everything into perspective and even to miss everyone a little . It definitely put me into a better frame of mind , which is a much better way to start a new week . Also , church was wonderful yesterday . It was one of those days where our Bible study lesson , as well as the sermon , seemed to be exactly what I needed . God was definitely talking to me and helping me understand things better . I needed that so much and I felt at peace and had my joy of life back afterwards . So , all in all , Sunday was a very good day for me . Both boys scored very well on all of the areas of the evaluation . Their scores are not even close to being in the shaded areas , which would have indicated they are behind . They would have had a perfect score in Communication , except that they are not quite at the point where they are using two or more words together . However , she was very impressed at their large vocabulary and said we will most likely be seeing that within the next month or so . She said she saw many children this age who are not even close to having the vocabulary our little guys have and that amazed her , considering they listened to Russian for the first 15 or so months of their lives . I think it 's pretty incredibly also . Nick got a perfect score in gross motor skills and Ben had a perfect score in fine motor skills , which was kind of funny . I 'm not too surprised by that though because Ben tends to be more inclined to sit and do something for an extended period that requires fine motor skills , whereas Nick is more inclined to try running and jumping and such . The really neat thing about this though was that Ben was soooo far behind on motor skills in general when he came home and now he is really doing well . So that was all very reassuring and encouraging . I also talked to her a bit about discipline . She has already been there , done that with her kids which is great . The SoonerStart lady is wonderful but she is young and does not have children , which is a huge difference . I had been thinking about ending both programs because I think the boys are doing great and we don 't really need them . I really like Jackie though and she brings a lot of fun ideas for things I can do with the boys . So I think I am going to keep doing this once a month and maybe stop the SoonerStart program . Nick has to go in today for 2 shots , which will be his last until he is four years old , I think . I am really dreading it because he now understands what is going on and I know he is going to be very upset about it as soon as he sees where we are going . In the past , we would go into the " shot room " and we would sit there for a while , watching the " shot nurse " prepare all of the paperwork . This has always taken quite a while . I told my husband that , now that Nick understands and knows what to expect , we are not doing that anymore . We will not go into the room until she has the paperwork and shots ready so that we can get it over with right away . I am still dreading this . I really dislike shot days , although I am very thankful we have them and they serve a very important function . Still , they are not fun days . I woke up around 3 : 00 am this morning and could not go back to sleep . I prayed for my mom , for the boys , for wisdom in raising the boys and I tossed and turned , trying to go back to sleep . Finally I gave up , got out of bed and read my Bible for a little while , before eating breakfast while checking a few blogs . Mom is still in the hospital and , according to my sister , was a little bit better yesterday but not much . I am hoping and praying that today finds her feeling much better . I wish I could go visit her and that I could be of more help to my sister . I know we are encouraged to praise as we go through our trials and tribulations but it sure is hard to do sometimes . I just feel very sad about what my mom is going through and I miss her . I have also been struggling with the boys since we have been back from our trip . They both seem to have regressed in their behavior and I find it frustrating . My husband and I did some premarital counseling and I remember hearing that we tend to get frustrated or upset when our expectations are not met . That may sound simple but it 's funny that many times we don 't even realize that we had expectations to begin with and we may wonder why we are frustrated or upset . I expected that we would return from our trip and pick up where we left off . I did not expect to have so many behavior issues . Nick especially seems to be struggling and a bit insecure , which is surprising to me . I have noticed him sucking his thumb and holding his " Ya Ya " more than normal . He has been very clingy and has been throwing lots of fits about the smallest things . It 's times like this when I start second guessing everything I am doing . I become frustrated with myself ( and feel guilty ) for not being more patient and calm . I did a better job of this yesterday , after we returned from the pumpkin patch . Sometimes I think I do better after I have had some sunshine : ) . I know the boys need outside time too and I try to make sure they get a lot of it . Just after I posted the detailed post of our trip to Arizona , I remembered another significant thing we did . Before we left Tucson , we stopped by the resort where we were married . It was so beautiful . It is nestled into the landscape with beautiful mountains in the background and they had tons of flowers everywhere . We took a walk around and talked about our special day , almost three years ago now . The boys enjoyed the walk , although they missed the significance of it of course . My husband and I really enjoyed it though . It brought back a lot of very sweet memories . I 'm sorry that my first post ( We 're Back ) about the trip included mostly complaints about the flight delays and rental car issues . Overall , we had a really wonderful trip and enjoyed introducing our sons to everyone . Forewarning : This is going to be pretty detailed , as I want to document the boys ' first trip to visit their family in Arizona . We flew in to Phoenix , stopped by a friend 's house to pick up two borrowed pack - n - plays and then drove on to Tucson . It was pretty much a full day of traveling so we were all pretty tired when we got to Tucson . We stayed with my husband 's sister ( Aunt D ) , from Saturday through Wednesday morning and we drove back to Phoenix on Wednesday . We stopped by the Bible study class that my mother - in - law attended , prior to her passing almost two years ago . My husband knows many of the people in his mother 's class because he used to take her to church when he lived in Tucson . They really enjoyed getting to meet the boys and wanted to know how we and Aunt D were getting along . We stopped by the class where my husband attended when he lived in Tucson . I had also visited this class with him a few times when we returned to Tucson for visits . They had already started the class and we were not sure whether or not to interrupt but we did and they were so happy to see us . They asked us to sit down and wanted to hear the highlights of our adoption story . The best thing of all is that they prayed over our little family , some of the sweetest , most needed prayers we could have asked for . It was so touching and it really meant a lot to both of us . I cried and it still makes me tear up to think of it again . After that , we were able to catch up with the senior pastor between services . He was my husband 's pastor for many years and he also married us in Tucson almost three years ago . He was happy to see us and meet our sons and it was very nice to catch up with him again . That evening , we all went to Penny 's ( she is a travel agent and she planned our honeymoon to Australia and New Zealand for us : ) for a little get together she had planned for us . She had invited several friends over to her place for pizza and visiting , so we could catch up with lots of people at the same time . She had some really cute gifts for the boys that they loved , of course : ) . It also kept them busy for a while , although the thing that kept them busy longer was eating popcorn , for the very first time . They loved it . We had a wonderful time visiting with everyone and telling them about our adoption experience and how much our lives have changed . We had a short but nice visit with my husband 's nephew and his almost one - year old daughter . It was our first time to meet her so we took lots of pictures and really enjoyed finally getting to see her . We had lots of time to hang out with Aunt D and the boys loved her . She really knows how to entertain them and they took to her right away . We went out to run errands and they stayed with Aunt D . They did not cry when we left them nor when we returned . They had clearly had a wonderful time , getting to know their Aunt better . She took off work so she could spend more time with us . I am so happy they got to spend a lot of time getting to know her . It was a wonderful visit . Aunt D is crazy about animals ( in a very good way : ) . She currently has three birds , a very well - trained dog and a beautiful , adorable kitten ( that I had a hard time saying goodbye to : ) . The boys had the best time with all of the animals . It was especially fun to see them with a kitten , since our cats are older . I am still looking forward to the first time they get to play with a puppy , as they have yet to see a little puppy . I have lost track of when we did what in Tucson , after that first day but , one of the days we were there , we visited Connie . She has turned her house into an assisted living place and she runs it and takes care of 3 to 5 elderly people at a time normally . Connie is a very special person and it is clear she really cares about every patient who comes into her care . She took care of my mother - in - law , she came to our wedding and was also at my mother - in - law 's funeral . She is like family and it was special to be able to introduce our sons to her . She also likes animals and she has a chicken and some dogs that the boys enjoyed seeing . They also got to see their first rainbow , when we were standing in Connie 's backyard . They had seen one in one of their books and it was pretty well defined in the sky , so they knew what it was . Another first : ) . We stayed with friends in Phoenix . These are the same friends who were visiting us around the time I was getting out of the hospital due to the pneumonia . It was nice to see them again and we had a nice stay with them too , although we were only there Wednesday and Thursday night and then headed home first thing Friday morning . They have two children . The boys really enjoy playing with their kids and their kids really enjoy playing with the boys so that worked out well . We were also invited to dinner with some other friends of my husband . I had not met them yet but had heard a lot about them , so it was very nice to finally put faces with names . We really enjoyed that visit also and had a wonderful time visiting and eating delicious food . I was playing with the boys with the puzzles Ben got for his birthday . These puzzles are great for helping them learn their shapes . I asked Ben " where does the oval go " or something like that . I laughed as he looked under the table . This is another Melissa and Doug toy , made in the U . S . A . It comes with 5 of the puzzles seen in this picture but there are puzzles on both sides so there are really 10 puzzles in all , along with triangles , rectangles , squares , ovals and circles . They can do them all very well but they have a bit more difficulty with the triangles . When we were in Tucson at Aunt D 's house ( my husband 's sister ) , she had this very large spider hanging in her entry way ( pictured ) . When you clapped your hands , it would suddenly and quickly drop down on a string and then it would slowly climb it 's way back up . The boys really loved this thing , especially Ben . He was just a little scared of it so he wouldn 't go into the entry way ( this is a rare shot of him actually in the entry way , watching the spider climb back up but he didn 't do this often ) but would peak around the corner at it and then clap his hands , watch it fall and then he would run away , clapping his hands and yelling " spider " " spider " " spider " . The funny thing is that his pronunciation of spider was more like " bobby " , so it sounded more like " bobby " " bobby " " bobby " , all while he was clapping and laughing . We would tell Ben , " say spi " and he would say " pi " and then we would say " say der " and he would say " de " and then we would say " say spider " and he would say " bobby " , and he would say it really quickly . It was so funny . He was so into this thing that he would do this over and over and over again . . . . and he got as much joy and laughter out of doing it the 55th time as he did the very first time . It was very funny to watch . But then , another funny thing was that , at the Dallas / Ft Worth airport , we were sitting in an eating area and the boys kept saying " bobby " " bobby " , over and over again and they kept clapping their hands . Finally , I noticed and said " where ? " , " where is the spider ? " . They both pointed up . On the second floor , there was another eating area and above the entrance was this very large , round , black ball - looking thing and there were these lines coming out away from it ( looked like spider legs ) , all the way around it . It was just a decoration and was definitely not a spider but I could see how it looked like one to them . They were clapping their hands because they thought it would drop on the string , like the spider at Aunt D 's : ) . It was quite funny . This morning we met some other mom 's and kids at the pumpkin patch . My friend , Francie , went with me and was a huge help with the boys . We all had a very fun time and the weather was cooler this morning so it felt more Fall - ish . I love Fall ! ! The boys enjoyed climbing around on the hay . The is the first time they have ever worn jeans : ) . There were lots of school groups there so the boys watched the other kids climb around on the pumpkins . Nick looked like he really wanted to do that too and I tried to help him a little but he is still just a bit too little for that . They both enjoyed trying though . In this picture , Nick is clapping . I think he was clapping because he had climbed on a pumpkin a little bit or something . Whatever it was , he thought he had done something special . Neither of the boys were very into having their picture taken so it was really hard ( impossible ) to get one of them together . I tend to prefer the non - posed shots most of the time but I still like to get a few posed ones too because I have a harder time catching their faces in the non - posed shots . So this one of Ben was one of the rare posed shots . The boys now know what a pumpkin is and they also got to see many different types of gourds . I think they really liked the gourds the best and also the tiny pumpkins . My friend let them each pick one out to take home and I picked out a pumpkin for us to take home to carve . I am very excited about carving the pumpkin , as it will be a first for me too : ) . I 'm not sure how I missed that when I was growing up but we never did that at our house . There were lots of animals , including goats , cows , horses , ponies , donkeys , geese , pigs , some type of animal that looked like a very large jack rabbit ( but wasn 't ) , llamas and camels . The boys really enjoyed the animals . Ben kept letting the goats lick / suck on his finger and then he would pull it away real quick and laugh and laugh ( that 's what had just happened when I took this shot ) . It was cute . And this was my highlight of the day . Nick is always into trying anything and everything but Ben is normally a bit more unsure . Nick was very eager to ride the pony but Ben took off walking back towards the goats , shaking his head no . Francie stayed with Nick while I went after Ben and when he saw Nick was very happily sitting on his pony , he wanted to try it too . They both loved the pony ride and were very unhappy when it was over . Ben laughed during the ride and cried when he had to get off . It was so funny . We also went on a hay ride and the boys really enjoyed that a lot but I didn 't get a picture of it . Overall we had a very fun visit to the pumpkin patch . Unfortunately Nick fell asleep just before we got home so he was quite the grump ( an understatement ) between the car and his bed , with a stop for a snack on the way . This picture was taken on Monday , just before we went to Ben 's plastic surgeon appointment . I had to wear a cap because my hair was a mess ( broken hairdryer - another story ) so the boys wanted their caps too . They are too cute . I 'm rushing around this morning because we are headed to the pumpkin patch soon . I have been wanting to post and have a million things to post about , including lots of pictures , but have not had a lot of time since we returned from our trip . I have been jotting down some cute / funny stories about the boys that I want to share when I have more time . - We took Ben to the plastic surgeon on Monday and it looks like everyone agrees that the mole on his face should be removed . The surgeon said he could do it as soon as Thursday ( tomorrow ) but we could not do it that soon . My husband is already scheduled to see patients that day and we need to schedule something with my sister so she can take care of Nick while we are at the hospital with Ben . It looks like it is probably going to be November 1st . It is a very simple procedure . The surgeon said the actual surgery will only take about 10 or 12 minutes . They will give him gas to put him out and then they will insert the IV and intubate him , etc . His will be the first surgery of the day , since he will have to go without food and drink , which is not easy for a child this young . - My mom is in the hospital . She had her last chemo treatment on Tuesday , followed by the shot on Thursday . This is the shot that is suppose to keep her white blood cell count from dropping . As usual , her blood pressure has been very low but this time it is even lower than it has been , to the point that it did not register on the monitor when they took it at the hospital the other day . My sister took mom to the doctor on Monday and they gave her some fluids . She felt better but then when she woke up on Tuesday she was not feeling well again so my sister took her to the ER . Her blood pressure is very low , her white blood cell count is extremely low , which is very concerning , her potassium level is way too low , as is her hemoglobin level . She will most likely be there for several days . My sister is an RN and used to work at this hospital , which is good . She is also extremely protective of those she loves , when it comes to this type of situation so I know mom will be very well taken care of . Mom has also decided that she will not take the radiation treatment . She has had enough and she has heard too many horror stories of those who have taken the treatment for breast cancer and how they have been burned so badly that they ended up having serious issues for the rest of their life . When we put the boys to bed every night , at the end of our bedtime routine , we rub the boys ' backs . I rub Nick 's back and my husband rubs Ben 's back , or vice verse , for a little while and then we switch . We always tell them " mommy / daddy loves you " and " night night " . I always leave the room last . I stand in the doorway and blow kisses to them . They blow them back to me now but , in the beginning , I would say " blow me a kiss " . Then I say " night night " and they say it back to me . I used to have to tell them " say night night " , but not anymore . Then I say " love you " and they say that back to me now too . But last night was different . Last night was the first night that , while I was rubbing Ben 's back , he said " wub you " to me without me saying it first . It is likely that only a mommy or daddy would have understood it but it was very clear and very precious to me . Tonight was the second night he said this to me without prompting . We had a great time and had visits with my husband 's family and lots of friends . It was definitely a challenge , traveling with two toddlers . We got off to a great start with a 2 hour delay before ever leaving our city . We had just pulled away from the gate when they discovered that the intercom system was not working properly , so we sat there for two hours while they tried to fix it . We finally had to deplane with no idea of when / if it might be fixed and , while we were in the process of trying to book another flight , we were told to get back on . We took off soon after and the rest of the trip was uneventful . . . until we got to the rental car place . We rented two car seats . Only one car seat was in the car and it had not been installed . It took them a while to get another car seat for us . My husband had to install both of them and some of the parts were missing so he had quite the challenge . He persevered though and , although it took us quite a long time , we were finally on our way . I had the fun of trying to entertain two little boys who were quite tired of traveling by this time . Ensuring the boys had enough sleep was particularly difficult . At home , they normally sleep from 8 : 00 pm to 8 : 00 am and take a two to three hour nap . During our trip , they were going to bed around 10 : 00 pm ( despite our best intentions ) , waking up before 7 : 00 am most mornings ( much to our dismay ) and naps were hit or miss . A couple of days , when we were in Tucson , they had 3 hour naps , which they desperately needed , but most days they only had an hour or hour and a half , which did not put us in our happy place : ) . They really did pretty well , considering . . . . although the number of temper tantrums was definitely increasing as the week progressed . Ben officially turned 2 while we were gone . My sister - in - law had a birthday party for both of the boys and it was really sweet and fun . . and very cute . They had many firsts on this trip ; too many to keep track of but I 'll have to try to think of some of them and document them for when they are older . The morning of Ben 's birthday , he said " more " " oatmeal " . He paused between the two words but this was the closest either one has ever come to putting two words together to communicate something . I 'm not counting things like " big bear " or " Busy Busy Baby " ( a book ) because those kind of things they learned to say more as if they were one word . Both boys learned how to turn somersaults and have been practicing their new feat since we have been home . Both boys were very into waving to people and saying " hi " . When we walked down the aisles of the planes , Nick was waving to everyone and saying " hi " , as if they were in his personal fan club . It was quite funny . I have almost finished " The Well - Trained Mind " book . I really like the classical education philosophy but am also a bit overwhelmed by the amount of work . When I finish the book , I am going to go back and re - read the very beginning of it , where they focus on the birth - to - five - year - old crowd . That will put my focus back on the here and now and then I will just take it one day , week , year at a time . I found a very interesting and encouraging article on the HSLDA website today about a recent ( I think it 's recent ; can 't find a date on it ) study on home education . My husband and I were both amazed at the findings . If you are thinking of homeschooling , you might want to read this . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
In my last posting , I wrote that it had been a month since I blogged . . . . . . . and now it 's two months after that ! I don 't know where the time goes , but if anyone finds it can you send it back to me ? I 'd really appreciate it . I have lists EVERYWHERE ! Lists of what I 've sold . . . . lists of what I 've bought ( bookkeeping - wise ) , lists of names , lists of items to make , lists of items I have made , lists of things to buy to take to Florida , lists of things to buy in Florida , lists of things to bring back from Florida and of course , packing lists galore ! ! Some of my lists On Tuesday we went to a wonderful luncheon for a 50th Wedding Anniversary for a great couple who live here in Sandycove . There were 21 of us and it was really so nice to see everyone before we leave . 3 other couples are heading south too so that gave a lot of people an opportunity to say " so long " until the Spring . We were there for just over 2 hours . . . . . . I was joking with some of the people that I had to get home to see if I got an order in my email and they laughed . I got home and it wasn 't funny . . . . . . . . . . . I had FOUR ORDERS waiting for me ! ! ! Holy Cow , I have to leave in a week ! I have to get organized ! I have to pack ! I have to make : One Sock Monkey Hat , two Firefighter Helmets and a Hat and Bootie set . Okay , I can do this no problem ! Then I noticed that 3 of the 4 orders were for Halloween so I had to get them done immediately in order to get them in the mail on Thursday morning so that they 'd arrive in time ! Holy cow ! I sat myself down . . . took a deep breath . . . . then got back up again . . . . I 'd better check my yarn supply to make sure I have enough of the yarn I need to make these Hats / Helmets . Whew ! I had enough for the sock monkey hat and lots of red for the two helmets so everything was fine . . . . . . remain calm and start crocheting ! I thought I 'd make the Sock Monkey first because it is the most finicky with having to sew on the ears , mouth , eyes and make braids for the ear flaps . . . . . . good idea , get the hard one out of the way and then on to the helmets . I decided to multi - task so when I was making the Monkey , I checked the helmet order to see if there were any special instructions such as size and numbers for the shield . Uh oh ! Trouble . One of them wanted the helmet to be YELLOW . . . . . . . YELLOW ? Why yellow you say ? Dad is a Firefighter and his helmet is yellow so he 'd like it to match his real helmet so they can go out together on Halloween . . . . . . also would like to have his number " 31 " on his baby son 's helmet too so they would look alike . Aww , how sweet ! I turned to my retired Firefighter husband and enquired " honey ? What colour yellow would a yellow firefighter 's helmet be ? Would it be bright yellow , pale yellow , golden yellow ? " He said " I 've never seen a yellow firefighter 's helmet " . WHAT ? I finally finished the Sock Monkey Hat and by then it was getting really late , time to go to bed . No reply to my email yet . No sleep . Oh no ! I need to sleep so I can get up and make these and get them in the mail by Thursday at the latest ! No sleep , can 't stop thinking about the yellow helmet . I get up and Okay ! There is an email from " Dad " . . . . . . . . " sorry I don 't know what colour you would call it . . . . I didn 't realize there were different yellows " . . . . . . . . . my response " Please send me a picture of your helmet right away " . . . . . . . . . . . back to bed . . . . . . . . no sleep . I really want to help this guy and his son have a great halloween but I can 't sleep for thinking about the damn helmet ! Argh . I guess I finally fell asleep and when the morning came I jumped out of bed ( not really , I have bad knees and that would really hurt ) . . . . . I roll out of bed , walk to the living room , turn on the computer and there it is ! A picture of the yellow helmet ! Wonderful . . . . . . . . I have my breakfast . . . . and we make a run over to Michaels to get some yellow yarn . . . . . easy right ? Wrong ! They don 't have the right colour either ! . . . . . . . . . OH NO ! What the heck am I going to do , I don 't want to disappoint my customer or his precious little baby boy . I know , I 'll run over to Walmart and see if they have any ! " Marilyn ! ! " . . . . . my husband yells " I found some " . . . . . . I go over to the next aisle and there is a HUGE ball of the right colour of yellow yarn ! I 'm saved ! Holy crap it 's $ 9 . 99 plus tax ! I 'm only charging the guy $ 25 . 00 for the helmet . Oh well , it 's for a good cause . . . . . . . . . . . . so I buy it and we head back home . Next I start on the yellow one . I 've never used the yarn I bought before and I can only hope that it 's the same as the regular yarn . . . . . . . . I measure as I go along and everything is starting to come together , and it 's looking good ! Yahooooo ! Hours later I make the shield and start the numbering . . . . . why oh why can 't it be a zero ? Just a simple zero ? No , it 's a 31 . . . . . . . . going to take longer , of course . After dinner , I sew on the shield and stand back to look at it . . . . . . . . . . . . I 've done it ! And it looks great if I do say so myself . And all 3 items are going to get to their destinations in time for Halloween ! I 'm exhausted , but so happy , 3 more satisfied customers ! Now tomorrow I 'll do the hat and booties . . . . . . good night . . . . . . zzzzzzzzz . . . . . . . . . . I clicked on the picture and there they were ! I had stumbled by mistake onto my next crochet addiction / obsession / love : making baby booties , hats , beanies and diaper covers ! It was love at first sight ! The patterns for the all of booties were created by a woman named Elizabeth Alan , an air force wife from Tennessee , living in Maryland with her husband and 6 children . SIX ? Yes six , five girls and one boy . I loved her story and I ADORED her patterns . I immediately ordered one of her bootie patterns . She emailed it to me and I instantly started to make the bootie and it was so well written I was amazed ! I 'd never made anything closely resembling anything like a bootie and within 25 minutes I held this gorgeous little thing in my hand and held it up to the sky and said " Kunta Kinte " . . . . . . . well no , to be honest , I didn 't hold it up to the sky and say that , but I sure had a HUGE smile on my face . . . . . . . . and was totally addicted / obsessed / in love with these tiny little shoes . Next day , I ordered another one of her patterns and the next another and so on . Elizabeth and I emailed back and forth whenever I had any problem with the pattern . . . . even the tiniest problem and she was there within minutes . Not that the patterns were a a problem , just me doing things wrong . She has the patience of a saint ! All I could think was " how can this woman have 6 young children and be there for me whenever I need her ? " If she took like 2 hours to reply , she apologized for taking so long ! Imagine ! What a wonderful woman ! We have been stuck in a heat wave , as most of you know , for the past few days and yesterday was the hottest and muggiest day that I ever remember in Ontario . I 've certainly felt hotter and muggier days in Mexico , especially two years ago when we got to Bucerias on October 31st . For two weeks we could hardly breathe and the pool at our bungalows was under repair so we couldn 't even swim . I don 't swim in the ocean so I just kept taking cool showers and sat in front of the fans for relief . John toddled off to the pool by himself though . . . . . he loves the sun and can sit in it for hours and hours . He 's so tanned right now . . . . he looks so sexy ! Hmmmm maybe I should have gone to the pool with him . . . . can 't have all those ladies gawking at my man ! ha ! ha ! Go ahead ladies , enjoy the view . . . . . but remember . . . . . . . he comes home to me ! He contacted me through Classmates and I was thrilled to hear from him again . He was now a very successful painter , married for over 20 years and very happy and content with his life . This made me feel so good to know that the young part - time painter was now doing what he loved for a living . . . . . . plus teaching art classes . A few months later , we met for lunch in Markham . . . . . . . I was so nervous to see him again because I wasn 't that young , skinny blonde that I had been on our last meeting . . . . . some 50 - 60 pounds heavier , still blonde and wrinkled ! I didn 't know , but he was thinking the same thing about himself . He was never blonde , but you get what I mean . We sat and talked , gabbing about everything and everyone for over two hours and then he drove me back to the hospital . What a great reunion it was . We remain great friends to this day . . . . . email and Facebook mostly but just knowing that we are still friends , happily married to our respective spouses is such a good feeling . So very many people 's relationships fall apart and they never speak again . . . . . . . . our friendship makes me feel like this is the way it should be . Someone had showed her a simple Granny Square , which you just kept going around and around and around until it got to the size of blanket you wanted . So simple , so fast ! I tried my hand at it and found that it was indeed very simple and VERY fast . One year I found a pattern for a thigh - length crocheted coat . I made one for myself , one for my sister and then about 4 more for friends . Wish I still had that pattern . . . . . . . . . . As the years went on , I made all different patterns of Afghans for everyone I knew and they all loved them . If people wanted a particular colour , I simply asked them to buy the yarn and I would not charge anything for my time . See how much I love crocheting ? Fast forward to 2001 when I met my future husband John . I didn 't crochet much at this time because I was too busy doing other things ( wink , wink , nudge , nudge ) . Over time , we travelled to places such as the Dominican Republic and Mexico . We would either rent a car or hire a taxi for a day and travel off the resorts and into the " real " D . R . and Mexico and see the " real " people of those countries . I was always sad when we 'd see these " real " people , because they were so very poor it was heartbreaking . But I did notice one thing with each and every person we saw . . . . . . . . they always had a smile on their face ! Made me realize that even though they had what we perceive as " nothing " , they had the most important thing and that was family . . . . . . it was a beautilful realization ! After John and I got married in 2004 , I started to crochet once again . . . . . . I made many , many Afghans and blankets . . . . . . . . lots of happy friends and family later , I wanted to make something that was quick , easy and small so I could work through the summer without sweating with a heavy warm blanket on my lap . I started to make Granny Squares . . . . . . 4 " square . Then I would sew the squares together to make . . . . . BABY BLANKETS ! John and I retired in 2007 and the day after Christmas that year , we said goodbye to our friends and family and drove 5 days to Mexico . I had taken 10 or 12 baby blankets with me on that trip . When we got to the bungalows where we were staying for 3 months , I asked our landlady who was a Mexican married to a Canadian , if she knew anyone that would need a baby blanket for free . The town we were staying in was called Los Ayala , a very small town with dirt roads , no sidewalks , no streetlights , etc . We were living in " real " Mexico . Most of the people in that town were very poor but as I said , very happy . That day , there they were . . . . . 10 - 12 women , some with babies , some with big bellies soon to be babies . . . . . they were so grateful it thrilled me to no end . I thought there would maybe be 1 , 2 or 3 women , but there were as many women as there were blankets . Perfecto ! ( You may be wondering , why would babies in such a hot climate need blankets ? During the winter , when we Canadians and American love to travel to the warm south , the local people find it cool during the day and very cold at night , especially those who live up in the mountains away from the ocean . While we are in bathing suits sweating in the sun , some local people wear jeans and sweaters ! ) The following year , we changed locations and were living in Bucerias for 4 and 5 months at a time . Our landlady at these bungalows introduced me to a lady doctor who ran a free clinic in town . Our landlady had been donating the worn out sheets from the bungalows to the clinic to put on the stretchers for the patients so it would be a bit more sterile . I met Doctora Nilda and she told me through our landlady , that she was sending new mother 's with babies born at the clinic home with just a sheet to wrap the baby in . When I handed Doctora Nilda a huge pile of baby blankets , she started to cry and just repeat " Muchas Gracias Senora " . . . . . . . . . she was just thrilled for her patients . All , in all , I think I made and gave Dra . Nilda over 35 baby blankets . My heart was full . . . . . . . . . . my fingers were sore . . . . . . . . . . . . the babies were warm ! He was a speed walker , hope you know what that is . In 1929 , when he was 19 years old , he won the Toronto to Guelph speed walking race . Yes , he walked all the way from Toronto to Guelph and did it in the fastest time . Unfortunately later that year he was pole vaulting and had a bad accident , breaking his hip . He wore a body cast for months . He would never be a participant in sports again . In his spare time , away from his regular job as a Sheet Metal Worker , he was a sports trainer , for numerous sports teams , both baseball and hockey . He was not a doctor but he was the next best thing to it if someone got hurt on the field or the ice . And he was loved by " his boys " as he called the athletes he worked with . He was involved with The Toronto Maple Leafs of the old International Baseball League down at Maple Leaf Stadium which stood at the foot of Bathurst Street . They tore the stadium down years ago and there are town houses there now but the street is still called Stadium Row . He met all the great baseball players , coaches , scouts , etc . One of his best friends was Bob Prentice who was a scout for the Detroit Tigers and was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame . He was the trainer for The Toronto Maple Leafs Inter - county Baseball Team who play out of Christie Pits . When he died in 1971 , they honoured him by awarding " The Forbes Walkey Memorial Trophy " which goes , each year , to the MVP of the team . Over 40 years later , they still award the trophy to " his boys " . . . . . . . the guys weren 't even a twinkle in their mother 's eye when he was with the team but they are honoured to receive it just as if they knew him . Every once in a while we go down to Christie Pits to watch a game and soak up the memories from yesteryear . My Dad was also the trainer for several minor hockey teams over the years and would take Lynda and I along to some of the games . By the time she was 16 , Lynda had a boyfriend she was smitten with so she told my Dad she didn 't want to go to hockey games any more , but me being younger , I still went and loved it ! I would even get to sit in the dressing room ( after the players were dressed in their uniforms of course ) . . . . . and can still remember the noise and smells and excitement in the air ! In the Summer of 1959 , when I was 12 , my Mom and Dad told me we were going on a trip to North Bay for a long weekend baseball tournament and that Dad would be the team trainer . We didn 't have a car but we were going with the coach of the team . Mom , the coach 's wife and I sat in the back seat while Dad and the coach sat up front . Such a long drive . . . . . but I loved it and we would be staying in a motel which I had never done before ! Hours later , we pulled into the Motel in North Bay and the entire Motel had been reserved for the team . We had full run of the place ! It was late when we arrived , so I had to go to bed right away so I could get up early the next day to meet " the boys " . . . . . . . how I ever got to sleep is beyond me ! When morning came , the first thing we did was go to the motel restaurant for breakfast . This fellow was sitting by himself eating and asked Mom , Dad and I to join his table . Dad introduced him to me as Brian Cullen of The Toronto Maple Leafs ! Wow ! Other guys started to come in . . . . . . and as they did , they stopped at our table and introduced themselves to me and shook my hand ( I of course , didn 't know that this had all been pre - arranged the night before by my Dad ) . . . . . . . . Ed Chadwick , my favorite Leaf goalie , Carl Brewer and Bobby Baun ! I couldn 't believe my eyes ! The next fellow 's name was Cal Gardner , I didn 't know the name but my Dad quickly told me that Mr . Gardner plays for the Boston Bruins . . . . . . . What ? ? ? ? The last fellow from the Leaf 's to come up to me was . . . . . . . . . . . The Big " M " ! Frank Mahovlich ! I thought I had died and gone to heaven , he was EVERYONE 's favourite and he was holding on to my hand ! On Sunday morning , Dad asked me if I would like to go and watch some of the team play Golf . Cal Gardner had his two sons with him , and he would be looking after the three of us kids so Dad said it was okay to go while he and mom stayed back and rested at the motel . I heard a loud voice say " hey kid , wanna ride in my convertible to the golf course ? " I turned around and it was Bobby Baun in a beautiful , brand new red convertible . I picked my jaw up off the ground and walked over to the car and Bobby came around and opened the door for me as if I was his date ! I know I was only 12 but I felt so much older being in this gorgeous car with this good looking guy , scars and all ! Luckily my Dad was right there to get a picture of it ! Frank Mahovlich couldn 't play golf that day because his kid brother Peter was sick so he had to stay at the motel with him . I liked Peter too , he was a tall gangly kid and it would have been fun to hang around with him . The rest of weekend was spent watching baseball , buying souvenirs , eating and sitting in one of the motel rooms with all the guys ( and their girlfriends or wives ) . Whenever someone would start to tell an interesting story , my Dad , or one of the other guys , would send me to the store to buy something for them . I know now that they were most likely jokes not meant for my young ears . Before we left on Monday afternoon , I made sure that Dad got a picture of me with all of my favourite players . 52 years later I still have most of those pictures , although they are pretty worn out from showing them around . That weekend meant the world to me and that 's why I love the Original Six ! Happy Father 's Day Dad and thanks for the memories ! When I was 3 or 4 , I was walking up the street with my Mom , when a small dog jumped out of the bushes and bit me on the wrist . It didn 't break the skin , just a scratch , but it scared me badly . My mother tried to comfort me by telling me that she too had been bitten by a small dog of the same breed when she was a child . She hated that breed because of it . I won 't name the breed because I love all dogs and don 't want to tarnish any breed 's reputation because of something that happened so long ago . This was a real fear , a deep fear and it ruled my young , innocent life . Any dog , big or small was a monster out to get me . No - one could tell me that it was just a one - time thing , not all dogs bite , dogs are good , etc . etc . etc . I knew that they were all going to bite me no matter what anyone said . They told me if I act afraid , the dog will sense it . Well , the dogs were right , I was afraid , more than afraid I was terrified ! We got on one streetcar , then another , then yet another . When we got off at our final destination , we saw a huge sign that read " TORONTO HUMANE SOCIETY " . I , at 10 , didn 't know what that meant . We went inside this Toronto Humane Society place and were greeted by a man who showed us to a big room in the back . Suddenly we could hear dogs barking ! ! ! I was terrified ! My Dad told me that the dogs were in cages and they couldn 't get near me , no matter what . He promised . Crossed his heart and hoped to die if he wasn 't telling me the truth . Tears started to come to my eyes as we entered this huge room full of cages of dogs . Big dogs , little dogs , hairy dogs , smooth dogs . So many dogs I couldn 't believe my eyes . . . . . . and Dad had told the truth , they were all in cages and couldn 't hurt me even if they wanted to . We walked around and around to each and every cage and once I was used to them , Dad announced that we were here to buy one of them . Really ? I started to cheer up at the thought that maybe a dog of our own would like me and not be tempted to bite me ! Dad showed us one cage with 3 Beagle pups and said that we should pick one of them to take home . When we had been walking around , Lynda and I had spotted one dog that as soon as we got near him , he jumped up on the cage door and had asked us to take him home . We loved that little dog already . We showed this dog to Dad and he said " are you kidding ? That dog is ugly . These Beagles are beautfiul , pick one and we 'll take him home . " Lynda and I protested and said that we really , really wanted the ugly one because he had told us he wanted us by jumping up . The beagle pups had just curled up and gone to sleep . Our dog was wagging his tale and smiling ! Dad gave in . We went to the front and bought a collar and a leash and gave it to the man . Dad did the paperwork , paid for him and the man went back and brought out our dog with the collar and leash on ! When we got home , we shouted with joy " Mom , we have a puppy ! ! ! " Mom took one look at the little ugly dog and said " Oh My God , what is THAT ? " He had really wirey looking hair , sticking out all over the place , he was smelly and they had fed him so much he looked , as Mom said , like he had swallowed a football ! We took him to the bathroom , gave him a bath , combed and combed his hair . Dad was drying him with a towel and this little dog was so happy ! We put out his bowls of food and water and he found them and had a taste and then started to run through the house like a madman . We took him for walks , he peed on literally every bush and tree there was . Later that night , all 4 of us had on our pyjamas and housecoats and sat in the living room with our new best friend . We were trying to think of a name and Mom said she didn 't care what his name was , that dog was not coming near her . . . . . she still thought he was ugly . We thought he was beautiful . We decided that his name would either be Buddy or Chum . After much discussion , we settled on Chum . Chum had made a decision of his own and that was that he loved Mom . When she wasn 't expecting it , he jumped up in her lap . She looked shocked at this but started to laugh and said " well , I guess he 's not so bad " . Right after she said that , he made a little pee in her lap ! Mom wasn 't very pleased at all . My Dad said it was just that he was excited , took Chum and put him on his lap . . . . . yup , he peed on Dad too ! Lynda was next , you guessed it , pee . . . . . . . . my turn was last , where the heck did all this pee come from ? ? ? ? ? We laughed and laughed and Dad said he had marked his territory and that it meant that he loved us all . Mom wasn 't very happy as you can imagine with all this laundry to be done . We started to scrape the wallpaper off and found out that it wasn 't going to be very easy as it was not just one layer of wallpaper , there must have been at least FIVE layers ! If this was my Dad 's idea of a good time , we were in trouble . Lynda and Patsy soon discovered that their room was the same and they weren 't too happy either . After a few hours of this it was time for lunch . After lunch , Penny and Patsy announced that they really wanted to stay , but they had to go home . Lynda and I looked at each other and then looked at Dad and he said " it 's okay girls , I 'll help you with the walls . " He had been in yet another room and had made a lot more progress than we had . When he was finished , they looked amazing ! After he was done with the floors , he had to decide what to do with the walls . The artistic part of his brain told took over and he came up with an idea . He decided to put the same linoleum tiles on each and every wall , from floor to ceiling in every room except the kitchen and bathroom ! ! What ? ? ? ? My Mom was mortified at the thought of it , but there was just no stopping Dad when he got these ideas in his head . It took him a few weekends of working all day Saturdays and Sundays but he finished and there it was , just like he had said , floor to ceiling in each and every room . You couldn 't tell the floors from the walls ! But you know what ? It was easy to clean just as he had said , and since he did most of the cleaning ( remember I told you about Mom not being well ) . . . . . he would get out the mop and go from floor to wall with one swipe ! He was so proud of what he 'd done . Our new house was at 4 Emerson Avenue which wasn 't far , but it was on the other side of busy Bloor Street . Mom , Lynda and I easily made the 10 minute walk to our new house and on the way , we stopped at the Real Estate Office and picked up " The Key " ! To me it was a magic key because it would open the door to the rest of our lives ! We could eat popsicles or gum or anything else that our parents would allow ! Imagine ! We were so excited we ran through the house from front to back screaming with excitement . Mom told us we had to be quieter because ( we didn 't know ) there were tenants living in the apartment above us . That was one of the ways they were able to buy the house , having rent money to help with the payments . We quieted down as much as we could at 10 and 14 and waited for Dad and the moving truck . Not long after the truck arrived and Dad took control telling the moving men exactly where to put things . The house wasn 't very big and Lynda and I would share a bedroom but we didn 't care because we shared at Nanny 's house too . It seemed to take forever until the moving men were gone and we were left on our own . We put away as much as we could , Mom made sure that all beds were made first and then we went to a restaurant for dinner which was a very special thing ! I don 't remember much after that as I must have fallen fast asleep exhausted from all the excitement . I think I challenged her more than Lynda did . Like the time she came upstairs to use the washroom and saw me in the living room dancing around with one of my Mom 's cigarettes ! ! I think I was about 8 at the time . She was so upset and I felt so ashamed . She chose to deal with it in a way that would mean more to me than getting a spanking . She had a beautiful watch that had a blue sapphire on the part that winds the watch , and she stood Lynda and I in front of her and said that she was giving the watch to Lynda because she didn 't smoke . I was so upset I cried for hours . But , being the defiant one , I went back upstairs and at the first opportunity , danced around with another one of my Mom 's cigarettes , but made sure that the door was closed this time so I wouldn 't get caught ! And this time I actually puffed on it ! I sure showed her ! This morning I went off to the nursery in Barrie , and I bought a Double White French Lilac which I am going to plant in our backyard in her memory . I will call the Lilac " Elizabeth " , after Nanny . My sister and I didn 't have the greatest lives when we were young due to the fact that our mother was very ill during most of our childhood , our father was very strict and for a long time we lived with our paternal grandmother who was the strictest woman I have ever met . I guess we are grateful that she helped to raise us , but most of my memories of Nanny are not very pleasant . No abuse or anything like that , don 't get me wrong . Just so strict with everything . Example : my mother would go grocery shopping ( when she wasn 't in hospital ) and buy us popsicles which she would have to hide in the bottom of the grocery bag so that she could sneak them past Nanny on her way up to our part of the house on the second floor . Nanny didn 't believe in buying sweets like that for children . So , you get the idea . When I was 10 and my sister 14 , our Mom went out on her own and bought a small house . She had had enough of living with Nanny . Ever grateful for the help but wanting to raise her children herself , her own way . |
I forgot to mention that the judge had asked if we had something from America that he could have . He apparently collects things from international adoptions . Well , all I could think of was money and didn 't think that that would go over too well . Hubby was wearing his Heart of Scouting pin on his lapel so we gave that to him . Well , apparently he was very excited and loved it . So , for us , it was really cool to think that we left our Heart of Scouting - First Duty to God First - in the county of Ukraine in the hands of a court judge . . . cool huh ? ! ? It was COURT DAY ! ! ! Our Petition for Adoption was approved ! Yeah ! We now are the proud parents of 10 children . Oh my goodness , when I said that out loud it sounded so crazy . The day started early for us . Up at six , out before eight . There was a lot of waiting around in the car today . Waiting for this person or that one . After we picked up the inspector we picked up the boys at the orphanage . They looked very happy to be going to court . On the way to court the facilitators were trying to get our younger boy to remember our names . Up until this point he only really knew us as Mama and Papa . He had such a hard time . Funny thing was , the judge didn 't care if he knew our names or not . We were asked many , many , many questions mainly about finances and the many children we have . No surprise there . But , they seemed satisfied with our answers . The court room consisted of a raised platform with three large and sort of prestigious chairs with the Ukrainian symbol and colors on the wall behind that . This is where the judge sat in the middle and an advisor sat on either side of him . There was a general seating area which faced the judge where we sat and a slightly raised spot with a podium and microphone between the two for each of us to get up , face the judge and answer questions . As we stood there , to our left was the secretary , inspector and prosecutor . The judge read through the court papers asking us our names , etc . , and asked if all was correct . We were then asked to stand and state why we were there and what we were petitioning for . Then Hubby was up , front and center and answered questions from the judge , prosecutor and advisors . They grilled him on his business and finances and the children 's future education . He did very well and spoke with confidence . Then it was my turn and the focus was on the children 's education and how our biological children would mesh with the boys . Before I knew it an hour had passed . I suppose I was concentrating so hard on the translation of everything that my mind was constantly inAfter all questions were asked we were read many more things and then asked to wait while the judge and advisors left the room to deliberate . About twenty minutes or so later they came back in . We were asked to stand and again state that we were petitioning for the adoption of these two boys , to have their names changed , new birth certificates issued with us listed as the parents , for their birth cities to remain the same and to issue passports and visas to bring them home . Many more articles and things were read and then he said that the petition was granted . On the eleventh day following court , which is April 10th , the boys will be officially our children . Because the 10th is Sunday , Monday , April 11th , the boys will be able to be in our custody as our children . We have decided , due to a lot of running around and other things , that I will pick up the boys the day we leave Zap to go to Kiev which will hopefully be the 16th but as late as the 18th . We will see . Then we will spend a couple days in Kiev doing our US Embassy work and hopefully be home right before Easter . Today " K " and I moved into a new apartment with two rooms . We did this to share costs but mainly because this apartment had internet , or so we thought . From 8 to 10 : 30 tonight we had two Ukrainian strangers in our apartment messing up and then slightly undoing their mistakes and now we have internet … sort of . I sent Hubby off on the train tonight to Kiev and he will be on a plane back to the states by Saturday . I am really happy for him that he gets to go home … . at least one of us does and that makes me happy . The kids need one of us at home . I will miss him like crazy but I just can 't think about that right now . I should have someone with me until I leave for Kiev , whether it is " K " , Lucy , or one other mom , " R " , who is coming around the time " K " is leaving . I hope that none of us will be here alone . It should all work out okay though . Love you all ! ! ! Thanks for your prayers … keep them coming … . it 's working . I have to say foPictures - This is a picture of us outside the court house right after the hearing . . . the other two pictures were from the kids files taken several years ago . I think that they are so cute ! Today was an orphanage day . But , we can 't go to the orphanage until about 3 pm because the kids have classes . After a late morning at the apartment we met up with our Hubbyless friend " K " and wondered around the area . Believe it or not there are several second hand stores in Ukraine . The other day Hubby and I went in one that was close by . Okay , for those of you who think that DI smells , you haven 't smelled anything like what a second hand store smells like in Ukraine ! I just about gagged when I walked in ! Today we found a larger one that was really nice and didn 't smell bad . It was fun to look around . They have a section where the clothing items are not marked and they weigh them . So , you pay by weight . Other items , probably the better ones , are priced . We wondered around a bit more and went back to our apartment and made lunch . Then off to the orphanage . Today all the orphanage directors , about 45 they said ( don 't know if that is really accurate ) , were at our orphanage for a meeting . The teacher asked us to play with the kids upstairs rather than in the cantina . Remember , upstairs smells like dirty socks . And , seeing that they were keeping most of the younger kids inside , it smelled especially bad today . The sad thing is after about 15 minutes you don 't smell it anymore … . ahhh ! When we first arrived , one little boy , jshenya , ( not spelled that way but sounds that way ) grabbed me by the hand and took me upstairs to where our younger boy was . Before we knew it we were surrounded by kids . Every once in a while their teachers come in and make them go do something , then they come back . We played cards , made friendship bracelets and did puzzles . Of course , our younger boy and Hubby managed to escape outside for some soccer . We have got to get that kid on a team . The first questions out of both our boys today were , " When is court ? " Several of the kids have already gone to court and these kids just want out of there . Well , our court is officially tomorrow , Thursday , at 10 am . I am glad it is in the moOn our way to the train station we passed a dead rat , or should I say the size of a small dog rat , on the sidewalk . I took a picture of it but will not post it . I will have it in my album at home though . It was bigger and wider than Hubby 's size 13 shoes . Lucy , our Ukrainian friend , has told " K " and I that she will come back next week to stay with us and be with us while we are here alone in Ukraine . We are so happy about that . She is awesome , knows her way around , speaks the language , knows the missionaries well and she LOVES to go walking ! ! ! That makes me happy . I may joke about a lot of things we run into here , the sights , the sounds , the smells , but it really isn 't all that bad … . just different . Hubby leaves tomorrow night after court , will be in Kiev until Saturday morning when he flies out . I am grateful that he is headed home to be with our children . By the way , our youngest boy asked today if our whole family could come out here and be with him while we wait for everything to be done and he looked disappointed when I told him they couldn 't . Hopefully it was some consolation to him to know that the next time he sees Papa after tomorrow will be in America with his whole family . The boys are so excited to get this over with and so are we . Another day down . Tomorrow will be a big hurdle and the rest should be somewhat downhill , a rather long downhill . Thanks so much for your love and support . We miss you all ! These pictures were , for the most part , taken by the kids . It rained again today . We didn 't go to the orphanage today . We are trying to go every other day now . It saves on costs because the driver can be expensive . We went out for our daily walk and headed toward the outdoor market . Hubby really wanted some cookies that they sell there and it is a great place to buy candy to bring to the kids . It was raining pretty heavily by the time we got there so we had to buy an umbrella too . On our way there we saw three undercover cops handcuff and take some guy to a car . We are assuming they were the police but it 's hard to say . We stopped at the indoor market on the way home for some groceries and ran into family " F " with our friend whose husband left last night . We are making sure to keep her company because she is staying alone until Hubby leaves and then we will share an apartment . It was fun running into them at the market . We walked around with them and bought a Russian to English / English to Russian dictionary along with keyboard stickers for our computer at home . Hubby and I headed back home and watched a movie . We all met at our favorite café for dinner later . It was a fun adventure to get there because we took the bus for the first time . It wasn 't a real bus as you would think it was one of those oversized Mercedes ' Vans converted to a mini - bus . We had to stand in the center aisle and you couldn 't see out of the windows because of the moisture from so many people . Sounds delightful , doesn 't it . Luckily the " F " family as a Ukrainian friend with them so she helped us get off at our stop . Some of these pictures were taken on our walk there and the pictures of the apartments are the neighboring apartment buildings to us . Our current apartment is in the blue building . It is the one ( two windows ) that is on the second floor to the right of the front door if you were standing facing our building . We had a great dinner with the " H " family and their five children that flew in this week , the " C " family , the " F " family with their two children and frHubby and I , along with the Ukrainian friend walked home from the restaurant . It was about an hour or so walk but we needed it after that dinner . We were home by 9 : 15pm just as the fog rolled in . Walking to our apartment , especially at night , is like right out of a scary movie . It doesn 't look safe and it especially didn 't seem that way with the fog . Every night you can hear packs of stray dogs fighting . My friend said she witnessed that during the day once and it was an ugly sight . We feel safe enough , though . Another day down ! As always we miss you all so much . I will feel a little better when Hubby is home safe and sound with the kids . Once he is gone I will be able to stay with our friend . She should be here another week but at that point everyone will be heading back to the states . I should only be alone in Zap for just over one week and then I can get the boys and head to Kiev . I feel much more secure in Kiev . It 's all good and I am looking forward to the day when all this is a memory to share . Thanks for your love , support and comments . We love you all ! ! ! We went to the orphanage today . There were so many kids there today . There were so many teenagers that I had not seen before . We have gone there before and saw barely anyone but today they were coming out of the woodwork . When we got there our younger boy was upstairs . Classes had gotten out not that long ago and his class was cleaning their common room and their bedrooms . They were putting things away and making beds . Most of the older kids , including our older boy , were hanging out here and there . Of course , our younger boy went out to play soccer ( football ) with Dad but I didn 't want to freeze so I stayed inside with the other families and our older boy . We made friendship bracelets and talked for a while . I asked him if he had his English class today and he said yes . I asked him what he did in English and he said they watched a Russian television show . I asked how is that studying English ? He said he thinks his teacher just wanted to do her own thing and keep the kids busy . We didn 't stay too long at the orphanage today . First off , you start to run out of things to do with the kids . Secondly , one of the husbands had to take the night train back to Kiev and we had to go with them because we are sharing a van . She will be without her husband now until this is all done so as soon as my Hubby leaves , we will be sharing an apartment to make things easier and safer . We still seem on schedule for court on Thursday but that is not set in cement yet and could change . If it doesn 't change , Hubby will head out to Kiev Thursday night , spend Friday night in Kiev and to the airport Saturday . He , along with our friend , is not happy about leaving us here without them . We aren 't happy about it either but time will eventually go by and this will all be behind us . The weekdays are definitely easier than the weekends . I would love to post more pictures but it takes at least five or so minutes to download to the site so I am just posting this one today . We are in the cafeteria or cantina as they call it and we were sittinAnother day down . We are gearing up for court . We are praying that the judge will have a soft heart and we will be blessed with the words we need to answer questions . Thanks as always for thoughts and prayers . Thanks Garth for the update on our family . We ask the kids what they are doing and they didn 't mention any of that so it is nice to know what is really going on . Love to everyone ! ! ! Sunday is my favorite day of the week . They had daylight savings here last night so we jumped ahead an hour . I 'm all for jumping ahead in time right now . We walked to church today . It was a 45 minute walk downhill to get there , and , it was very cold this morning . We met one other couple and we walked together . I may have mentioned this before but there is a bridge ( or overpass ) that is very long that separates one side of Zap from the other . The bridge was built many years ago by children with little or next to no tools . Our old apartment was on the other side , in fact , right by church and our new apartment is way down on the other side . We walked down the street , toward the bridge , across the bridge , down several blocks , turn right for four or so blocks , turn left and enter at the door with the very large " Tide " box sign sticking out of the wall . The sidewalks are very wide but in very bad condition so every step is taken with caution , especially in heels , so you don 't fall and break your ankle . Some of the sidewalks are asphalt with many , many potholes and other parts are made with brick or cobble stone . It rained last night so there were a lot of puddles . When we got there we met the other family that brought their two children , I will call them the " F " family . We walked with the " S " couple and met one other man Mr . " D " with his adopted son . They are waiting to finish paperwork so he and his son can go home . There were three Elder missionaries there , two from Utah and one from southern California . They sat strategically around us and interpreted the meeting . On my way to Church I was thinking that I wouldn 't have much to say about today in the blog because we were just going to Church , but there is a lot to tell . The first wonderful thing I saw , of course after the large Tide box , was a picture of Christ at the top of the stairs . Now there are many pictures of Christ I have seen here but this was a familiar picture of Christ surrounded by children that I have seen in many ward buildings and in the distribution center . It was a welcomed sight , like coming home to something so familiar . The meeting of course started with an opening song , " Teach Me To Walk In The Light " . The words may have been different but the song meant so much to me to hear . The Branch President 's announcements included an upcoming service project and just the normal things you would hear . One man turned around when hearing the translations going on , smiled and gave us a thumbs up ! I thought that was cool . The first talk was by a Sister Missionary who is going home soon . She talked about going forward with faith and not fearing or doubting but trusting . The second speaker was one of the Elder missionaries from Murray who is going home in two months . He talked about love and faith . One thing he said that stood out to me , and I wrote it down , was that there is always room set aside in everyone 's heart where God is meant to reside . I just loved that . Three sister missionaries got up next and sang a hymn . I can 't remember which one but every hymn brought tears to my eyes . Of course before the talks the Sacrament was passed . As they recited the Sacrament prayers in Russian , I rWe were going to go to the other classes but instead we stayed in the " foyer " area and visited with the missionaries and had basically our own testimony meeting . The " S " couple and Mr . " D " had to leave so it was the " F " family and us and the missionaries . I love the Spirit of the missionaries . They were amazing to talk with . The Elders are actually in our building or the one next door so we may try to see them tomorrow on their Preparation Day . We walked the 45 minutes home , although it didn 't seem long , and talked about our life together with our family and children . It is a blessing to us to know how many of the people we care so much about are reading about our adventure here . We talked about our future together with our new family members and about how we need to do this , that and the other to make everything work out right . I feel very well aware right now of the challenges we will have in our future but I am optimistic of how things will work out . After all , I never thought we were capable of what we are doing right now and I know the Savior is our stability as we face each day here . I feel confident that if we stay focused , His strength , love and support will continue to be the stability that gets us through the next challenge . We love our family and friends so much . I love the gospel and I am grateful that I can be 5800 miles from all that I love and is comfortable to me and find the comfort of home at the doors of Tide box ! Today was a simple day . . . have to have those sometimes . We did not get up early , we just got up when we woke up . That was really nice . . . how often does that happen . I actually exercised today , just a little . This is the first time in two weeks and for those of you who know me you know that is not the norm . We showered and went out for a walk . We are staying just off Lenin Street so we walked 35 minutes up the street and then back down . We stopped at some stores on the way back . The clothes are so expensive here . Just a simple white nice blouse was like 70 to 80 dollars . It is so odd to me that the clothes are so expensive . The shoes too . We found a store that sells Vans shoes and they are way more expensive than at home . We have been told that people will save up their money and buy a really nice outfit and go without food all for the sake of style . I believe that because I have never seen so many skinny women in one place before . They are all dressed really nicely and wear fancy coats . They never take the coats off even inside the store . Then I have been told they go home , put away their nice clothes and put on their home outfit . They seem to wear the same one or two outfits always . Anyway . . . just interesting . After our walk we came home , made a quick lunch and then we were picked up to go to the orphanage . We shared a van with another couple which is helpful with costs . Hubby and I played soccer with 9 - 10 boys for about an hour and a half . They just love playing with him . . . . he is tons of fun ! We had found our younger boy first and we started to play outside with him . After yesterday 's little talk with the older one I was slightly reluctant to call him when I couldn 't find him . So I finally did and when he answered he said . . . " I want to be with you " . He found us right away and hung out with us the whole time we were there . Apparently he took our talk to heart . I was glad and relieved . I took a few pictures of us playing soccer but really can 't post the pictures until we solve our internet problems so it will have to wait . After soccer we put together some puzzles . Today we hung out in the cafeteria area and not upstairs so we were not surrounded by little kids . Our older boy liked this but I did miss the other children . Our friends were up their and they were smothered with kids . We did have that same boy from the other day hang out with us . He really likes us and insists on carry our bags and walking us to the car every day . He wants a family so badly and I wish we could bring him home too . I hope someone will come for this boy because he is the sweetest kid and loves to interact with us . He is 13 years old with slightly red hair and freckles and has no siblings if anyone is interested . I want to make a big poster and share his picture with everyone . . . but . . . I 'm not allowed . I received a lot of comments and some emails and we loved reading them . I enjoy reading your comments and emails as much as you all enjoy our blog . It 's great to hear from home . We decided to stay home from the orphanage tomorrow but we will go back and see the kids on Monday . It is hard to come up with activities everyday and we are going to take the day to recoup , go to church and gear up for what we are hoping to be the week of our court hearing . Posted by Today was a day spent with the kids . Nothing beats this . We did some typical kicking around town before heading to the orphanage . We went to an outdoor market and bought candy and goodies to pass out to the kids . When we got to the orphanage we went upstairs to the common room on the top floor . It smells like dirty socks up there . It gets worse when you have 20 to 30 kids running around without their shoes on ! It didn 't take long to get swarmed with children . There were four or five adults sitting on the floor playing different games like UNO , Old Maid and other games . Around each adult were six , seven or more kids . They LOVE to be played with . This is the best part of the trip next to , of course , the adoption . The kids want to play with your hair , hold your hand , carress your arm or something like that . They just want to be with you because they know you want to be with them . There are , of course , your favorites who track you down wherever you go and sit right by you . They get very defensive when other kids come by and want to play with you . This happened with our younger boy the first few days . I think he feels more secure about us now and is willing to share . It also happens with our older boy . If I decide to hang out with another teenager , he comes out of nowhere and joins in . Teenager are funny ! I mentioned in a comment back to my mom that I was able to have my first Mother / Son talk with our older boy today . We had to straighten out a few attitude issues . This is a delicate subject seeing that I am not really his mother yet . I used our interpreter and we had a serious heart to heart about feelings , attitude and respect . It went very well and solved the problem . I felt a lot of added help from the Spirit as I did this . It made a difference and honestly I think it helps that he understands my feelings and position in the family along with his soon to be father 's feelings and position . It also gave him a chance to feel as though he was able to express his feelings in a healthy way . More good news today … oPosted by We ran like crazy today . We were off the train at 6 : 45 am and straight to work . It was Hubby and I and our friends . We picked up the inspector and headed to the orphanage to our appointment with the director at 8 : 30 am . This appointment was for our younger boy and our friend 's youngest boy ( they are adopting three siblings ) . We had a great reunion again with our youngest . I posted a picture I took of how he holds Hubby 's hands every time he sees him . The boys wrote their letters , which took a little time because they have to write it just so and they are both younger . After that our facilitator had to take the papers and drive all over the place to be signed , notarized and who knows what else . There is still an issue with our youngest separation but should be worked out soon . Soon is the issue right now because Hubby 's flight depends on getting a court day at the beginning of next week . For work purposes we are hoping and praying for that so please help us with your prayers on that one . We played with some of the kids at the orphanage today . The younger kids love the game UNO . They are very sweet and fun to play with but they are very territorial . Our youngest gets really made at anyone who gets too close to Hubby and I . Our oldest was being a bit of a pill today and didn 't hang out with us much which was pretty annoying but as soon as we started hanging out with another boy his age he just happened to show up and join us . I am starting to feel the beginning of our next challenge in life and it doesn 't look like much fun . Life is full of trial doors closing and others opening up isn 't it ! We finally stopped running around at 6pm . We hadn 't eaten or drank much of anything all day . We were tired and hungry so we took our facilitator to dinner and then we went to our apartment . It is a very nice apartment with a kitchen stove that works and I heard it has a good shower . I am looking forward to that . We met our other friends at the store and went to their apartment for a visit then we walked home . I hope to skype our kids and go to bed . I miss home and I miss my family . I look forward to the end our journey but I am trying so hard to enjoy the ride . Love you all ! Did I mention how beautiful Kiev is ! We actually started our day early by Skyping our kids , that was great . We checked out of our apartment by noon and headed to a World War II museum . It was actually more than that . It was a huge outdoor plaza area with tanks , helicopters and other old military war pieces . I wish I could put the pictures on tonight but we are on the night train and we left our camera cord at an apartment in Zap . I can add pictures tomorrow night . There is a huge titanium statue of a woman about 300 feet or more on the top of the museum . She represents the Mother Country . She has both hands in the air , one holding a sword and the other holding a shield with the soviet symbols on it . It is magnificently huge and amazing . We were told that at one time the statue was leaning and they were afraid it was going to fall so they had to reinforce and fix her . They apparently have to do that every so often . When you look up at her you can see the blue sky and the white clouds moving , it is an awesome sight . At the base of the Mother Country statue is a museum all about the war . We didn 't go in there . In the center of the plaza are two tanks , one painted blue and one painted yellow . Yellow and blue are the colors of the Ukrainian flag . Blue represents clear , clean skies and no war and yellow represents the plentiful wheat . The two tanks face each other and the barrels of their guns are crossed . They are supposed to represent first peace in Ukraine and then peace in the whole world . Before reaching that museum you walk up a wide and beautiful plaza . There are two huge black stone statues on either side of the plaza with soldiers representing the 300 , 000 soldiers that were killed at that location in WWII when fighting against the German army . As you walk toward those statues , there are plaques with names of war heroes on them to honor the heroes of war . As you head out of the plaza you walk through what looks like an overpass . To me , this was the most amazing part of the day . The walls of the pass are lined with the same style black stone statues carved in the walls . They are of men , women and children of the war and of the holocaust . I felt the spirit so strongly as we walked through there . They had piped in music which those soldiers had sung as they went to war . You could see the stories and the suffering and the anguish on their faces and you just knew at that moment that no matter what our individual trials are in life , they are nothing compared to what those people experienced . It was powerful ! It brought tears to my eyes . You could feel those people and could only imagine the horrors they had to endure in their lives . I can 't wait to post the pictures for you all to see . We left there with such a feeling of awe . We were walking on the same grounds that so much of our ancestor 's history took place . I would like to take the boys back there before we bring them home . When we were out in Zap with them I was trying to take pictures of them by important monuments and things so they can look back to the country they were from and remember that they were a part of that land . After the museum we walked to the Lavra . The Lavra is a very old Church monastery . There is a museum and the underground caves where the tombs of the saints are . We only had time for one or the other so we chose the tombs . These are actual not buried tombs so you see the remains of these sacred saints . To many it is said that they have a healing power and people go there to receive healing and peace . The women must cover their heads with scarves and you take a candle with you because it is dark . We started down the narrow stairways . I got down the third stairway and it kept getting smaller and narrower . I started to feel like I couldn 't breathe . I kept thinking that the space would widen up but it didn 't . I told the others I couldn 't and Hubby and I turned around and went back up . By the time I got out I couldn 't breathe very well and my legs were shaking . Apparently I am claustrophobic . I really didn 't know that . Mom , you would not have liked it either ! Hubby and I sat outside and waited for the others . We sat on a park bench and watched two young boys feed the pigeons . It was peaceful there . When the others came out we had an hour to take the subway or as they call it , the metro back to the SDA to pick up our referral letters . We walked through a park with some more monuments and headed toward the metro . This particular metro holds the record for the farthest underground subway . It took three very long and very fast escalators to go down to the platform . I was not having issues with this because it was a nice open space , even though it was very underground . There was a train pulling out just as we got there and it was very , very , very fast ! There were so many people . Our guide told us we need to get on the train quickly because those doors will shut and that 's it . We squeezed on the next train . Hubby held on to an overhead bar and I held onto Hubby . Then we took off like a bullet . We got off at the next stop . We walked through areas that were like catacombs and they finally led to some escalators heading up . We really enjoyed going on the metro , it was fun ! We hightailed it to the SDA , got our letter ( the girl there was actually very friendly and personable today ) and we were done . We decided to have some authentic Ukrainian food , which by the way is excellent . We ate at kind of a posh restaurant and the food was wonderful . We were with one of the attorneys and he told us to make sure we used the bathroom and took our cameras with us . He said it was unusual . I was a bit nervous , you never know what to expect , but we went . It was really , really nice . Each stall was a little room with curtains on the door . The toilet seat was covered with a clear plastic cover and when you pushed the blue button the plastic cover revolved around until there was a new cover for you to sit on . It was quite upscale for the region . I will post of picture of that also . Dinner was great and we headed to the train station . We are now on the night train heading back to Zap . I will let you know how things go . I send my love to you all . I have found out that a couple of my kids are sick at home including my youngest . For thosePosted by We arrived this morning on the train from Zap to Kiev at 6 am . I really do enjoy the night train . We had first class again so we had two beds and it was almost smoke free . Every once in a while you smell someone smoking . Apparently that is better than second class though . We will also take first class back to Zap . It is worth it to pay extra for that . I don 't remember if I said it yesterday but we stayed up talking with our friends in our compartment and then we went right to sleep . The rocking of the train makes it easy to sleep but when the train stops , I always wake up . Doesn 't matter though , it 's a fun ride . We were taken right to our apartment . We are sharing an apartment with the other couple . It is a two bedroom , oh my goodness , beautiful apartment . It is all new inside . There is a washer and dryer ( don 't get too excited , they don 't work at all as well as those at home ) , a dish washer , new windows , floors and a big tub . Of course , just because Hubby and I carry a " your bathroom has to have something wrong with it " curse , the shower head is pathetic . But , at least you feel clean after a shower . The bedrooms are on opposite sides of the large apartment so it is pretty private . We have to climb eight flights of stairs to get to the apartment and it has a heavy door with many locks . One of the facilitator 's was helping us with the locks and we couldn 't get in . She tried , hubby tried , friend 's hubby tried and finally the door was opened from the inside by two men . No one , but us American 's anyway , thought that this was odd and we were told to go inside . We were later told that these were workmen in the apartment . We really have our doubts about that , but oh well . Like I said the apartment is incredible . Hubby and I took showers while the other couple went to bed . We then went out for a two hour walk and stopped at McDonald 's for pancakes ( really crepes with strawberry jam … YUM ) . I was so tired when we got back . We took a short nap and then got ready for our appointments . Can I just say Posted by We didn 't have to get up too early this morning . We made sure everything was packed pretty much because we were waiting to hear if we were heading to Kiev tonight . Hubby and I took a long walk up and down Lenin Street this morning . It is still pretty cold , especially when the wind blows . There were many more people out today because it is a work day . Although , we learned today that many of the smaller markets are not open on Mondays . We stopped at the regular market to get some bread and cheese for lunch . Our regular lunch and sometimes dinner consists of bread , cheese , maybe a kind of meat , not sure really what it is , nuts and of course , chocolate . Their chocolate is very good . There is one particular brand that Hubby even likes in the milk chocolate variety , which says a lot . We did try this one chocolate . It turned out to be filled chocolate and we were trying to figure out what the filling was . I said , oh my goodness , its liquor ! Needless to say , we threw that one out . No more filled chocolate . Did I tell you about our experience with Salmon flavored potato chips … . not good … . just saying ! We made it to the orphanage at about one . Our older boy was being a putz . He didn 't want to play games ; he didn 't want to do anything . Finally , we dragged him outside with the younger boy and some other boys and we played soccer , sorry , football . We played for over an hour and everyone , including our older boy , had a great time . I was goalie because I really can 't play and I kick and throw like a girl . The boys were very good . I have some pics on my phone of them playing . I will try to get them onto the computer . As I ran , one of the many , many times to get the ball , I thought about how I was in a foreign country playing at an orphanage . I was running and playing in the same yard my boys have spent several years playing in . It felt good . The yard had patches of dirt and an obvious soccer field with two goal posts . There is playground equipment for climbing on and but the rest is pretty dreary . The longer we played , We really had a great day playing with the kids . I gave the director the rest of the stuff that was donated to the orphanage . She said she would save it to give to the children as they had birthdays . They already have the soccer balls but the rest will be given over time . I thought that was a good idea . The kids are wonderful . Some of them are so small and it 's hard to think that they don 't have parents or families . I saved the gum and have been bringing a little each time to hand out . They love the gum . We had a great time with the kids . We are now on the night train to Kiev . We should have our second SDA appointment on Tuesday , if not Wednesday . If it goes as scheduled we will have our appointment Tuesday , pick up the letter Wednesday and back on the train Wednesday night . We have a first class ( don 't get too excited , it is not amazing or anything ) cabin next to our friends as they have an appointment when we do . We will share an apartment in Kiev with them and then we will get a new apartment in Zap when we get back . That 's a whole other story and I will tell you about it another time . We spent several hours together visiting , laughing and enjoying the evening and now it 's time to settle down for the night . I really enjoy watching outside as we chug our way along . Please keep us in your prayers as we cross all our little bridges . Each of the families here has little hurdles and issues to deal with and your prayers are felt and they help so much . We love you all so much and look forward to a grand reunion when we are all done . Today we were able to take the kids for the day and tour the area and other things . So instead of giving you the blow by blow of the day I want to fill you in on interesting things we have encountered here in Ukraine , just to give you a feel for what we are experiencing . As I have said before , this area especially , is very old . The buildings were built 60 - 70 years ago and were supposedly refurbished after WWII . The buildings look like they are falling apart . Apartment buildings are patched here and there with various building materials . The apartment buildings are rectangular and basically all look the same . Some more run down than others . There are light rail style buses and regular looking buses that are constantly running . Out the back side of our apartment is a train / light rail style train that runs probably every half hour or so . Those trains are older and the color of the former Soviet Union whereas the buses are the colors of the current Ukrainian flag . Most of the cars seem to be diesel and in this city most are not newer cars . There are still some newer cars . Most people here travel by bus and walking , lots of walking . Most of the buildings have stores or businesses on the bottom floor and living spaces on the upper floors . There are many clothes and shoe shops . The markets are small that are just in neighborhoods and there are the occasional large markets and they tend to sell clothing and other items . They have kiosk style booths here and there . They look like the snow cone buildings in Utah . The windows are wall to wall covered with the items they sell . This is called " fast food " . There are chips , soda , candy , cigarettes , beer and some have fruits and vegetables , including the dirt left on them from being pulled right out of the ground . These shacks are usually placed by bus stops . At some corners that are busy to cross there are underground passages that take you to the other side of the street . In the underground passages are shops that sell everything from food and drink to sleezy lingerie . HerPosted by We were told today that we could take the boys for the day as long as we had them back by 7pm . We thought we were being picked up at 11 : 15 am so we headed out at 10 : 00 for a walk and our driver pulled up . When we got to the orphanage some of the younger children were going to the circus . Our younger boy was supposed to go and I saw him right away with his coat on . He was so happy to see us and I asked if he was going to the circus . He said no he was going with us . I was relieved . He is so adorable ! We sat down with him for a while and waited for the other families to show up . We watched all the little kids bundle up and head out to the circus . I would say a dozen or so kids went . One of our families was able to go with them and they had a great time . They said it was like going on a school field trip . We headed out to McDonald 's to meet everyone . Well , McDonald 's is the place to be on Saturday . It was so crowded and you had to wait for a seat . They have a Ukrainian Hamburger on a wheat bun . Hubby had it and it was really good . They also had potato wedge seasoned fries . The boys had burgers and fries and I had a chicken , lettuce & tomato wrap . They have bottled water here . The most popular kind is water with gas , not just plain water . Water with gas is water with carbonation . When you go out to eat and ask for water , if you want regular water , you have to order water without gas . Hubby really likes it . I like to mix it with juice . All the families ate in the same restaurant , just not sitting near each other . After lunch we headed to the " market " . It is basically a flea market with items like purses , clothes , shoes , etc . Many have American name brands although they are probably all fakes . The quality of the stuff is not that good and our translator said that many of these items are cheaper in regular shops . We walked around for a while and then we headed to a nearby park with one other family . We shared a van with them . The sun may have been out but it was really cold . Our younger boy rode a horse in the park and then we saw some carnival style rides in the back of the park . When I looked back toward the horses I saw a camel being led around … weird ! One of the women in our group said the carnival rides looked like they were purchased from Lagoon in 1930 . They were rusted and old , but the kids didn 't care . They rode the bumper cars twice and the Ferris wheel once . We had cotton candy and popcorn and the boys and men played soccer for a while in the very muddy grass . We stayed as long as I could handle it but the cold got the best of us . We decided that in our last couple hours we would take the boys to our apartment and let the translator go home . We wanted to have some time with just them . At our apartment we talked with the internet translator and started a movie . We decided to go to pizza at a restaPosted by I don 't know what day it is anymore . But I do know that it was a good one ! We slept good again last night . Well , hubby always sleeps good . I have to admit it was hard to fall asleep because it was so wonderful to see the kids I couldn 't stop thinking about it . After we were up and dressed we went for a walk up and down the main street in Zap . It is not nearly as crowded as Kiev . It was cold , especially when the wind blew . It was great to get out for a walk though . We do not have internet in this apartment so we have to buy an aircard , which , by the way , you cannot video skype with . I haven 't talked to my kids at home since before we left Kiev . I miss them but I feel their prayers . Hubby and I got brave and went to the phone store , because they are everywhere . We found someone who spoke as much English as I speak Russian and managed to get this phone card and more minutes added to my phone . By the way , I can take incoming calls without taking minutes from my phone here , it just costs you there . So kids , you can call me if needed ! Anyway , our ride showed up to take us to the orphanage right after that . We have an amazing facilitator . She works from sun up to sun down without stopping for anything . I keep trying to get her to eat . We went and signed more papers and then were able to go the orphanage to see the kids . They were very happy to see us . We brought the soccer balls today and they loved them . We also brought some gum to pass out to everyone . They really enjoyed that also . There was us and four other couples upstairs in a gathering room and our kids were with us . Other kids were coming in to hang out and some would come and go . Some kids were playing with our ipods , games , phones and cameras and some were getting their nails done , some were playing cards . I felt like we were sitting in this family room just hanging out enjoying each other 's company . These children love to be loved . They are so sweet and so fun to be with . Time just went by so fast . The kids would come up and just start talking to you . Love iPosted by We just got internet and added our posts . We are at the orphanage and will post todays along with pics from the last two days when we have time later . Love you all ! I have to say again , last night 's train ride was really fun . As long as the train was moving it was easy to sleep . The movement of train seemed very soothing . We arrived at 6 : 42 am in city that starts with Z . We made it off the train quickly and easily and our facilitators and drivers were right there to greet us . Hubby and I were introduced to our facilitator who directed us to the parking lot and to our car . We managed to squeeze our luggage and ourselves into a little econo - box . We were supposed to be able to get to our apartment at 7 am but found out it wasn 't going to be ready till 8am . We stopped at McDonalds for breakfast and ran into another one of our friends with the two children there . After breakfast we headed to our apartment . Once inside , the apartment is nice but honestly the outside looks and feels like the slums of New York . We are happy here , though . We had maybe thirty minutes to shower and get dressed and run downstairs . On the way to the orphanage we had to stop at the inspector 's office to pick her up . There was a huge difference to Z town compared to the city of Kiev . People were not dressed to the hilt , they did not drive expensive cars and for the most part , they had more worn out looks to them and their expressions . It is a very poverty stricken looking community . There are little houses on the way to the orphanage that are barely holding together . There were many stray dogs running around and several people walking . Not nearly as many cars as in Kiev and the cars were definitely not high end like in Kiev . The people we saw looked more like the kind of people you would imagine seeing in this area . It definitely gave you the feel of a depressed community . Still , the people were very nice and friendly . I recognized the orphanage from pictures I had seen on the internet as we drove up to it . It was exciting to walk up to it . I couldn 't believe after all this time that we were going to be able to see the boys again . We walked in and headed for the director 's office . I recognized somePosted by We needed to be out of our apartment and our luggage to one of the other apartments by 9 am . So we were up early and headed out . All the couples luggage was stored at one apartment so we could share the cost for the day seeing that we would be heading out of Kiev tonight on the train . After dropping off our stuff , we headed out early to go do a session at the Kiev Temple . That was a wonderful experience . Hubby and I were asked to participate , if you know what I mean , and that was even more special . It was a temple experience from a whole different perspective seeing that we were the ones who spoke a different language . What a beautiful temple . We were supposed to make it back by 1 pm for a tour but we left the temple by 1 . We realized we didn 't have a ride back from the temple but managed , with the help of an English speaking temple worker , to get two cabs to take us back . We were all , meaning four couples and two children , hanging out in the one apartment until we went out for a short tour . We needed to get back to the SDA to pick up our referral letters . So , we took a short tour . Today was much colder . The sun was out but misleading , because when the wind blew it was very cold . We stopped off at the Pizza place across the road from the SDA and ordered a quick bite . It has become a hang out for us . We had to wait for an hour or so at the SDA but finally got our letter . We dashed back to the apartment to get our things together and head for the train station . I have to say a bit about our cab experiences . The drive to the temple was pretty good . But remember , the driver speaks Russian and we speak English and then he gets lost . Apparently cabs have a hard time getting to the temple . It is on the outskirts of Kiev . He said something , one of the men said something , it sounded like they understood each other , but they didn 't . A phone call fixed the problem . We went to fish for our seatbelts when we first got in and realized that the buckle part was way down in the crack of the seat and one of the women and I lookePosted by Well , I couldn 't sleep again last night . Fell asleep close to 5 am . I thought the night would never end . We skyped our kids before going to bed but our oldest wasn 't home so I promised to skype her at our time 8 am . Then , I couldn 't get skype to load . It took about an hour and then we were able to talk to her , that was nice . We were scheduled to be picked up for our appointment at 11 : 45 . Our appointment was at 12 : 00 . We made it there . It seems that office has been a revolving door for our group for the last two days . We met one of our friends coming out . The appointment took all of five minutes and we were done . It was only for our older boy because we get one appointment , have to take the overnight train to visit him with witnesses , take the overnight train back , go to another appointment , wait a day to pick up the letter , take the overnight train back again and visit the second boy . Then we should be able to stay there for a while . We will probably be the only family here when we come back . It should be fine . We really didn 't learn anything new from our appointment but they did show us the kids pictures when they were younger and that was great . They were so cute ! We all met at a pizza place accross from the office two different times today . We had pizza at lunch time and hot chocolate ( which is chocolate syrup in a cup ) and shared a strawberry filled crepe ( or pancake as they say ) . It was a great place to eat . Between the two times at the pizza place we drove to the notary . Can I just say that driving here is an experience all in itself . The streets are filled with very nice cars . . . audi 's , bmw 's , etc . . . but the driving is CRAZY ! We couldn 't find the seatbelts in the taxi . That guy could really drive though . I felt safer with him than I did with a woman who drove us . There are no lanes . . . there are no speed limits . . . . the horn is used very , very often . It really isn 't necessary to use it either . The light turns green and the cab driver immediately hits the horn . Now I know whose honking all those horns every night . Posted by This is the living room of the aparment . It is my favorite room . The ceilings in the apartment are 12 ft and very cool . This little table is in the kitchen . It is very quaint . This is the kitchen . It is very funcitonal . The bathroom . . . . Obviously ! Again , the bathroom . Our bedroom . 12 ft ceilings . The windows in the living room and the bedroom face the street . It is quite a busy street . The living room has the balcony that you can go out . We have sometimes stood out there talking to one of the other couples until they find us . This is a picture of the front door from the inside of the apartment . It has a massive amount of locks on it . This is the hallway that leads to our door . We are on the right hand side . I thought this was a cool picture . It kind of gives you a feel for the streets that we walked down all day . People are everywhere . This is a cool looking building . It is apartments on the upper floors and retail on the bottom floor . There are many like that . This is the side of the Golden Gate and this is a statue of a famous man . I heard about many today and couldn 't keep them straight . Obviously , he had something to do with the Golden Gate . Very busy street . You do have to be careful crossing the street . There does not appear to be any speed laws and you hear a lot of horns honking . This is the Great Golden Gate which was the city gate into Kiev . We thought this was a neat looking cafe . Another cool building . This is a picture of a famous founder of Kiev . His name is Bogdon . I took this picture for a special friend who knows someone even more special with that name ! Again , they park on the sidewalk . Really don 't know how they get out though . I really don 't want to know . I do know that if you want to total out your car for insurance money . . . . bring it to Kiev ! Department of Foreign affairs . This is a HUGE building . This is Andrew and I in front of St . Michaels which is to our left . This is St . Michael 's . It is very ornate and beautiful . Yesterday , well really Saturday and Sunday , felt like one very , very long day anPosted by I am a mother of 10 beautiful children and I am the wife of one very amazing man ! I love the outdoors and my favorite thing to do is walk and hike with my family . We recently adopted two boys from Ukraine and it has been the best thing our family has ever done . I love my life , my family , my Heavenly Father and my Savior and I am grateful for every one of them ! |
" Hi ! " Jessica screeched as I walked through her door with a bowl of guacamole in one hand and a bright pink towel in the other . She threw her arms around my neck with such a force that I almost dropped the guac . It was 7 : 30 , but she was clearly already intoxicated . Since Jessica wasn 't really a drinker , I figured she was nervous about this party . At the very least , it was a beautiful night to go swimming . Josh had a huge , in ground swimming pool . Justin had to stay at work late , so he wouldn 't be meeting us until 9 , which was probably for the best . It allowed for Darlene , Anna , and I to see how the situation with Josh went before bringing Justin into the mess . Worst case scenario , Josh went insane and we all met Justin for fro - yo near his apartment . Darlene and Anna were running a little late , but I refused to be anything but punctual so I arrived first on my own . I followed Jessica into the backyard , where Josh was shirtless , skimming the pool . " Hey , stranger , " he said with a smile . Josh was super friendly and even though Jessica told us all the crazy things he had done , I never saw any of it first hand . This made things less awkward when we did hang out . Darlene and Anna arrived about twenty minutes later and it seemed that there was no holding back Jessica from swimming . I decided if we all watched her , and stayed in the shallow end , she 'd be fine . The guac should 've absorbed some of the alcohol , right ? Josh sat near us with his feet in the water as we relaxed near the stairs of the pool . Jessica 's drunk splashing seemed to amuse everyone , even Josh who would have normally freaked out at such a display . Maybe he was changed . While I was optimistic , I saw Darlene roll her eyes several times when he would speak . When Josh got up to use the bathroom , I splashed Darlene . I dried off and picked up my phone . Justin had texted me that he couldn 't wait to meet us and asked if he needed to bring anything . As I began to write back , Josh walked out of the house . " Guys , look who decided to join us ! " he screamed across the yard . I looked up and saw Josh 's best friend , Andrew , strolling in behind him , still wearing his dress shirt , dress pants , and tie from work . Andrew and Josh were two years older than us , so when Andrew and I entertained a brief affair in high school , he completely crushed me by going off to college without even saying goodbye to me . I knew he wouldn 't want a long distance relationship , but the last night we were supposed to hang out , he completely ditched me . I put my phone down and turned to face the other guests . I suddenly felt self conscious in my bikini , even though I sprung for the push up top and the more conservative bottom . As I saw the girls getting out of the pool , I quickly pulled on my beach cover up . " Hey , Andrew , " I said with an awkward wave as him and Josh began to walk over to the seating area . The few times that I ran into Andrew since high school , I felt like I had something to prove to him . I always wanted to display a calm and collective demeanor , even though the little person in my head was having a panic attack . We were never anything , so it was silly for me to feel so weird around him , but still . " Hey , good to see you , " he said reaching in for a hug . Um , since when is Andrew a hugger ? I awkwardly half hugged him and kept a weak smile plastered on my face . There we stood . Darlene , Anna , drunk Jessica , Josh , Andrew , and I . But thank goodness for drunk Jessica who insisted we reenter the pool . " So , isn 't Josh so much better ? " she asked me as she splashed her hands . I swear she looked like a five year old learning to swim for the first time . The truth was Josh did seem fine , but he always seemed fine at first . I 'd believe he was ' changed ' when I saw them deal with their first argument . For now , I think he even won over Darlene . As they chatted , Darlene genuinely laughed at an animated story Josh was telling . I left work early on Tuesday , wearing my nicest blue button down blouse and black dress pants , to drive over to my university for a meeting with a professor in the psychology department . A few months ago , I submitted an application to be a graduate assistant at my school . I didn 't hear anything back before the school year ended , so I forgot about it , but Monday morning I received an email from the department saying that I would be awarded one for the upcoming Fall . I did a happy dance in my room that morning when I read the email . ( To be fair , it was a pretty pitiful dance since I hadn 't had my coffee yet , but I was truly excited ) . Not only would this help out a LOT with my tuition , but it would be great for me to gain experience in research and network with other people in academia . When I asked my boss to leave early so I could meet with Professor O ' Conner , he was extremely supportive . Even though Todd liked me as an employee , he didn 't want me there forever . He wanted me to continue with my education and ultimately see me succeed . I arrived at school and quickly checked my phone as I walked to the building . I had a single text from Justin reading , " Good luck today . . . Not that you need it ! : ) " Ever since we cleared the air over dinner , things seemed to be better than ever . We usually only text at night , once we were both home from work , which I felt was appropriate since I told him I wanted to take things slow . He didn 't seem as anxious about our situation anymore and I was glad to have some time during the day where I could kind of miss him . By the time I reached the third floor of the building , I was embarrassingly out of breathe . I had to take several seconds to catch my breathe before walking down the hallway to the professor 's office . I didn 't want him to think that my low physical endurance level meant that I was lazy . I reached Professor O ' Conner 's office and knocked on the slightly opened door . I heard a friendly voice call , " come in ! " I instantly felt tension release from my shoulders at the sound of the happy voice . This wasn 't really an interview since I already had the job . But if Professor O ' Conner didn 't like me for any reason or didn 't think my research interests matched his , he would be able to request a change . Even though that was unlikely , I had other concerns . I had a fear that he would be an extremely demanding professor , asking me to do ridiculous tasks that yielded few real world advantages . If he only gave me extremely stressful , time consuming tasks , all I would gain from the experience would be major headaches . I sat down on a brown leather couch he had facing his desk as we began to converse . He asked me about my research interests and told me a lot about his own research . I felt extremely comfortable talking to him . Some professors are very intimidating and can come off as condescending , but Dr . O ' Conner was a genuinely down to earth , caring professor . I told him about my interests in interpersonal relationship research and my hope to continue to the doctoral level . I left feeling great . I would continue to work at my present job for the rest of the summer and then cut down my hours for school in the Fall . I would be an assistant for the full year until I graduated . I took out my phone to call my mom when I saw a group message from Jessica . I was a little surprised to see the text . I didn 't really know if Jessica was serious about the pool party , or if Josh would even agree to have us over . Nevertheless , I would go and give Josh a chance to redeem himself . At the very least , we would get some wine out of the deal . And as much as I hate to admit it , I would like the opinions of my friends about Justin . After calling my mom and telling her that the meeting went amazing , I sent Justin a text about the meeting and asked him if he had plans for Thursday night . " Free as a bird ; ) , " he wrote back . I texted him the details before arriving at my car . I thankfully still had my gym clothes in the trunk . If Justin was going to see me in my bathing suit in two days , I needed to hit the treadmill hard . I forced myself to actually drive to the gym . Once I got there , I settled on a treadmill that provided me with the best view of TBS . I decided to do some interval running , since I was definitely not capable of running for more than a minute at a time in my present , potato chip loving state . After 30 minutes I decided to call it quits . As I walked out of the gym , sweating more than I care to admit , I saw that Darlene and Anna both confirmed that they would be coming to the pool party . Neither of them contributed any negativity to the message thread . Maybe the party wouldn 't be a complete disaster . I sent Justin a text a couple days after I had talked with my friends and we arranged to meet for dinner . He was free that night , so we decided to meet at the restaurant at 7 : 30 . Since that was only a couple hours away , I immediately began rummaging through my dresser drawer for a nice blouse . The choices all seemed so mundane . What color do you go with for a redo date ? Do you dress more modest or try to show him what he 's going to be missing if he doesn 't shape up ? I honestly didn 't know how I felt about Justin anymore , which made my clothing choice seem pretty secondary to another choice I would have to make by the end of the night . While I normally stick to my own wardrobe for most occasions , I decided to walk down the hall to my sister 's room . She is three years younger than me , so when she was in high school , I would always catch her coming home from school in my favorite skinny jeans or newest tank top . It infuriated me . As of recently , though , she reached an age where she can now afford to buy her own nice clothing . So , the tables have turned . Well , they 've evened out . I began looking through her dresser at various blouses when I realized that the restaurant Justin and I were meeting at was borderline fancy . My sister works part time in a financial office , so she has some pretty nice dresses . I settled on a casual dark purple one that complimented my figure , without being even remotely scandalous . I needed Justin to remain focused , but also wanted to look attractive . Obviously . " Hey there , " I said to Justin as I gently put my hand on his upper back . I decided that I was not going to come in with any negativity . I would continue to be upbeat , the same way I would be on any other date and especially how I would be on a second date with a guy I liked . " Hey , " Justin replied as he got off the bar stool and pulled me in for a big hug . Even though I was nervous for the date , I suddenly felt a sense of relief as he tightly gripped me for a few seconds . The warm embrace reminded me of how I felt before Justin seemed to go psycho . Justin grabbed his drink and we walked over to the hostess who was ready to seat us . Once we sat down , I started scanning the menu . The longer until the conversation started , the better . However , he seemed to have the opposite feeling . " Look , Caroline , " Justin started as he laced his fingers together on the table . " I didn 't mean to freak you out the other night . I just felt like I was getting played . I mean , who doesn 't get text messages , right ? " Justin cut me off , though . " I was actually talking to a buddy of mine the next day and it turns out he didn 't get any of my messages either . I went to the store and there was some sort of issue with it . So really , I 'm so sorry . That was 100 % my fault . " I nodded for a few seconds as I thought about what I wanted to say next . I looked up and saw the waiter bringing over waters . He asked if we were ready to order . " Do you want the spaghetti and meatballs you were planning on getting at the other place ? " Justin asked with a wink . It was kind of sweet that he remembered such a small and relatively insignificant detail from that night , even though I 've always found it annoying when a guy tries to order for a girl at a restaurant . Justin took a sip of his liquor . " Well , I 'm starting to , I don 't know , really like you , I guess . " He seemed so nervous , which oddly made me feel good . I wasn 't sure if I slept with him too soon , but apparently that only made him more concerned that I wasn 't going to take this serious . " And I don 't want to scare you away or make you hate me , " he continued . " I freaked out and I 'm just glad you 're giving me another chance . " I reached across the table and lightly ran my fingers over his . " I like you , too , Justin . " He looked up at me and the right side of his mouth curled into a smile . " Yeah , " I said as I leaned back in my chair . " Can we just , um , take things a little slower ? " I asked . I wanted to get to know Justin and I accepted his apology about the freak out , but I still wanted to proceed with some level of caution . I hesitated for a moment . I didn 't even know how this dinner would go so I hadn 't really thought about it . I figured it wouldn 't be a good idea , especially after I made it a point to take things slower . " No problem . I 'm not putting out anyway , " he said with a smile . " You 're not going to get the milk without buying the cow . " We both laughed . All seemed good in the world of Caroline and Justin . Considering my unbelievably unhealthy weekend ( Beer Olympics and Sunday dinner with the Italian side of my family ) , I attempted to flush out my system for the next few days . I was drinking a gallon of water a day and eating protein packed meals . I told myself I would continue the pattern all week . It is swimsuit season , after all . Wednesday afternoon , as I was consuming a dressing free salad , I received a text from Anna in the middle of my daily twitter check . She wanted to get together that night . Everyone else was free and I decided I deserved a cheat meal . I still hadn 't had a solid , quality gossip session with Darlene , Anna , and Jessica in months , and after the feeling fiasco that occurred the night of the Beer Olympics , I felt a desperate need for this . Wednesday night , we made our way to a restaurant in our town that had a special on sangria . Obviously , I was most looking forward to the sangria . I didn 't know if I wanted to tell my friends about my moment with Moose . Or my phone call with Justin for that matter . Justin had been texting me a lot , but I only responded sporadically to tell him I needed space . I wasn 't sure that I was completely done with him . I wanted to give him another chance , but I didn 't want to dive into something with a guy who could talk to me like that . We weren 't even dating yet ! We sat down in our booth and within minutes , we had a pitcher of sangria in front of us . Anna told us about a job interview she had . Darlene gave an animated recount of a fight she saw on the train . Jessica was abnormally quiet . Jessica opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself . Her eyes met with Darlene 's , and then with mine . She looked exhausted from arguing . She let out a sigh , finished the drink in front of her , and looked down at her hands . " I 've been hanging out with Josh . " Josh was Jessica 's toxic ex - boyfriend . I would even describe him as dangerous . He played mind games with her , using her affection for him as a weapon , drove past her house to make sure she was home , and even threatened to kill himself if she didn 't do what he wanted . Oh , and the crazy part is , he broke up with her . We were all super relieved when they were done , but we tried not to let her know that . " Yes , really , " Jessica responded . " And I knew you guys wouldn 't approve , but he 's been seeing a therapist and he hasn 't done anything crazy . I 'm just going to see how this goes . " Darlene and I made eye contact . We could not simply disapprove , because that could just push Jessica back into his arms . However , I definitely didn 't want to see her go down this road . At that moment , the waiter came over and set down our nachos and mozzarella sticks . He took a little too long and had a smile on his face the entire time . Read the table , dude . " Just keep us in the loop , okay ? " Darlene finally asked . " Think about why you thought we would disapprove and try to think about what kind of future you can have with him . " Jessica gave a weak smile for the first time that night . " You 're right , " she responded . " Do you guys want to maybe go in his pool this weekend ? You can see for yourself , he is so collected and normal . " I saw Anna almost choke on a mozzarella stick at the very mention of hanging out at Josh 's house . " Yeah , I 'd been down , " I responded . " Hey , speaking of crazy guys , " I began . I figured if we could accept that Jessica was talking to Josh , maybe my friends wouldn 't think Justin was that crazy . I told them the story about Justin 's phone call . As I retold it , I wasn 't sure how I still felt about the whole thing . I hoped for some guidance from my friends . Unfortunately , they weren 't very helpful . Jessica defended him , of course , while Darlene said I should change my phone number . ( As if , I 've had the same number since the tenth grade . It 's mine forever ) . Anna thought I should get dinner with him . After all , we never even had a real date . I figured it couldn 't hurt to give him one last chance . Maybe there was a reason he was in such a bad mood that night . Maybe he was just a jerk . Either way , I knew I wouldn 't have the closure I wanted if I just stopped seeing him all together . " Sounds like a plan , " I said with a smile . If anything , Justin would look like Gandhi next to Josh . Unless Jessica was right . Maybe Josh did change . Maybe not . I decided to leave my judgments for another day . " Can I come to your friend 's house ? " he asked . I remained silent for a second . I could hear the commotion outside along with a loud splash . Somebody either jumped or was pushed into Moose 's pool and I was extremely curious . I rolled my eyes , not that he could see . I liked having sex with Justin , the one time , but I would hardly say it was the ' orgasm of my life . ' Even if it was , how dare he throw the absence of sex in my face ! I was the female , after all . " Ok , whatever , " he responded . Wow , one night and already two ' whatevers . ' I was on my way to a hat trick ! For some reason , I actually began to feel a little bad and figured I should try to salvage the night in some way . As I opened my mouth to talk this out with him , I suddenly realized he was no longer on the other line . Rude . I walked outside and found that Anna was the one who jumped in the pool . She had worn a tank top and denim shorts to the party , which she was still fully wearing when I began hysterically laughing at the sight of her in the pool . I still don 't really know what motivated her to jump in , but when Moose and I made awkward eye contact , we just started laughing . It was like the conversation in his house never happened . After a grueling week at work and zero time in the sunny weather , I was happy Friday when Moose texted me . We hadn 't talked much since I saw him at the bar over the winter , but that wasn 't unusual since he went to school in Queens . He wanted to have everyone over for a Saturday afternoon ' Beer Olympics . ' I happily accepted . Justin and I had been talking all week but we hadn 't made plans to see each other . I like Justin but I 'm not sure if I 'm ready for a relationship . Unfortunately , since I slept with him , I fear my lady hormones will influence me if I spend too much time with him . For my own good , I kept myself busy with work and GRE prepping . He seemed busy , too , so it worked out . Saturday , the girls and I went to Moose 's house . My hair was braided , because I was ready to compete . We had the same number of guys and girls , so all the girls pulled guy names out of a hat to make teams . He came over to me and slung his arm around me . " Let 's kill ' em , " he said with a smile . Moose seemed so not his awkward self and I was loving it . Maybe things would stop being so weird between us . First , Moose had organized an intricate series of beer pong match ups . Of course , since I 'm really good at distracting the other team and Moose is amazing at sinking the last cup every game , we dominated here . On Long Island , if you don 't regularly play beer pong over the summer , you pretty much don 't exist . Next , we started playing land mines . Considering this game involves downing whole beers , I began to stubble after we made it through this round . I persistently clutched onto Moose to stable myself and he didn 't seem to mind . Moose and I were soon in the championship round . Anna walked over to me . " What 's going on between you two ? " she asked as her eyes practically jumped out of their sockets . I turned to him , completely oblivious to what he meant . " No , " I yelped , stomping my feet . " We 're so close to winning ! " Moose brushed my hair behind my shoulder . " I don 't care , " he said as he moved his face closer to mine . He was inches away from me , when we both stopped at the sound of my phone ringing . I 'm a pretty polite person and normally , I would ignore the call , but when I get drunk , I don 't always oblige by social norms . I felt a little uncomfortable in the car with Justin as we drove to his apartment from the restaurant . What was going through his mind ? Did he think I was a weirdo who couldn 't sit through a decent dinner without having some sort of anxiety attack ? I really didn 't want him to judge me but there was no way for me to explain myself without bringing up a conversation about exes . I was so not ready to go there . Justin didn 't say anything though . As soon as we walked into his studio apartment , he asked if I wanted a glass of wine . I was starving , since we did skipped dinner , but settled for wine . I couldn 't expect him to have something ready to eat since we weren 't even supposed to be coming back to his place . I sat down on his suede couch across from an old reclining chair . It was impressive enough that Justin lived on his own , since Long Island apartments are not cheap , so I didn 't expect him to have matching furniture either . My guess was that he took scraps from wherever he could . Justin brought over the wine and placed it in front of us on the cheap coffee table . He didn 't even give me a chance to take a sip before pushing my hair away from my face and passionately kissing me . I leaned back and put my hands around his neck . I don 't know what it was , but I already felt so comfortable around him . Justin began kissing my neck as I took a moment to comprehend what he just said . Is that what he thought ? Did he think that I wanted to jump his bones so bad that I couldn 't even sit through dinner ? If so , this worked as a great cover , but did I really want him thinking that ? Before I could further consider what this statement meant , Justin lifted me off the couch . I let out a playful yelp as he carried me to his bed . For the next half hour , nobody existed but me and Justin . Our movements flowed together the same way that our conversations did . I haven 't been intimate with anybody since Mike and it felt good to be reassured of the magic from a first time . Justin and I were nothing right now . We probably wouldn 't even be doing this for a few more dates if it weren 't for my dramatic desire to leave dinner . Afterwards , we cuddled for a while before I asked him to drive me home . My mind was racing as I wondered where we would go from here . Eek . Justin and I exchanged text messages for several days before arranging to get dinner last Friday night . We live about twenty minutes apart so I suggested a restaurant right in between us . You know , to show how chill and accommodating I am . I chose a nice , casual Italian restaurant . As I put on one of my favorite blouses ( it shows off my breasts in a non slutty way while flowing over my stomach to hide my post dinner bell ) , I tried not to put too much pressure on this date . I mean , it had been a long time since I met a nice guy and got to know him in a normal way , without any sort of baggage getting in the way . Even if Justin wasn 't Mr . Right , or even Mr . Right Now , I simply wanted to remember how exciting dating can be . I arrived at the restaurant and Justin was already sitting on the bench outside . He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek before leading me inside . There were a number of small tables inside a big , well - decorated room . It 's weird going on a first date as a millennial . Justin and I already knew so much about each other through texting and we became Facebook friends two days before . It felt like our fifth date . " So , how was your day ? " Justin awkwardly asked after the waiter brought over our menus . I was already craving spaghetti and meatballs , but the mouthwatering picture of them sealed the deal . I lost track of Justin 's story , but caught the end so I was able to play it off . I laughed before looking down and playing with my silverware . I felt terrified at the idea of Mike 's family seeing me across the restaurant , especially on a date . " Yeah , yeah , " I insisted . " Um , I 'm just not sure I 'm hungry anymore . I 'm sorry . " I began to blush . I felt bad but I would only further embarrass myself if I stuck around . I 'd continue to feel flustered and probably blow it with Justin for good . |
We got a lot of sun growing up . During the summer we 'd walk to the park to swim practice . I 'd take off my shoes and walk barefoot , dancing on the hot pavement to keep from burning my feet . Summer also brought warm rains and we 'd go out and splash in the puddles , glorying in the water pounding down from the sky . We 'd come back inside , shivering , and our mom would make us grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup . Everything grew there and the dirt was good earth , black and crumbly between my fingers . The fog , though , was my favorite . We lived near a freeway , so there was always noise . On a foggy morning , I 'd wake up to the noise muffled or even silent . I would lie in bed , holding myself still , willing the relative silence to continue . Eventually a car would drive by and I would get up to look at how closely the fog had encroached . Some days it was just a little foggy , enough to mask the Mormon temple on the hill . As the sun burned off the fog , the temple would reflect the light first . For a long time I thought that temple was a spaceship , and I think , perhaps , that watching the sun catch the tallest spire when the rest of the valley was still swathed in grey may have had something to do with that idea . Once in a while the fog would engulf my small world . I could barely see the houses across the street . The looming trees above them were mere hints , slightly darker shadows . The world was truly quiet then , or at least as quiet as I , a city girl , had ever experienced . The sky felt low , oppressive , overpowering , and I often wondered if the top story of the house would still be there if I went upstairs . I loved the muted world . I opened the window to feel the air , heavy with water , come in , and I could feel it flow down to my feet . If I left my hand outside long enough , beads would form , beautiful , but not reflecting anything because no light was bright enough to pierce the fog and pull colors from the droplets . April 11 , 2012December 5 , 2016 by wendryn She was sitting at the bar looking tired and lost . She was also quite attractive , though he was sure she didn 't feel particularly interesting right then . He knew he could change that , at least . He was good at that . Everyone seemed to think of him as a harmless old widow , but a surprising number ended up in bed with him . He smiled , remembering a few of his more interesting companions . The stool next to her was empty . He walked up to the bar a few seats away and began chatting with the bartender . He was here often enough that they conversed easily . The bartender was a young , handsome man who seemed amused by the considerably older man 's ability to coax women to bed . Both of them had standards ; neither would sleep with a married woman or even one just involved with someone else . They weren 't willing to hurt anyone , and , in a world of rakes and rogues , that gave them a place to begin a friendship . After a few minutes of light banter , the older gentleman looked over at the woman . " Hello , my dear . Would you mind if I sat next to you ? I 'm rather short on company tonight and you look like you could use someone to talk to . " She blinked up at him , surprised and a little wary . Her expression softened as she took in his appearance . He was at least seventy years old , quite dapper , and he had a kind face with many laugh lines . He looked comforting and comfortable . She did not enjoy people hitting on her , but he seemed genuinely interested in her company , not just her cleavage . " Sure , why not . " She smiled . " You should do that more often . It brings out the green of your eyes when they catch the light . May I buy you a drink , since I 'm taking up your time ? " " Um , sure , I guess . I 'll have a gin and tonic . " She sounded slightly wary now , suddenly not as sure as she had been that his intentions were honorable . Over the next two hours , she changed her opinion again . He really was a sweet old man . His wife had been dead for about ten years , but when he talked about her there was still joy and love in his voice and his face . They had been together for almost forty years , had three children , and had traveled extensively . She , in turn , told him about her breakup six months ago . She had not been happy , really , but she hadn 't expected him to cheat on her , either , and she was still recovering from that blow to her ego . She was a nurse and loved her work . Some days , like today , she was exhausted by the end of her shift . She worked hard and did well , but it was a difficult profession , especially since she did not have family or really close friends in the area . She had moved here five months ago , determined to start over and make a better life for herself , but it was not moving very quickly . She listened avidly to his travel stories and wished she could visit some of the exotic places he described . He did not ply her with drinks , but he paid whenever she asked for another . Near the end of the evening she switched to fruit juice so she could sober up and get home safely . Over the next two weeks , they saw each other three more times , always at the bar . After the third time , as their discussions carried on until closing , she impulsively asked if he would like to come over to continue talking . She did not have to work in the morning and the idea of going home to her empty apartment was suddenly too dreary to contemplate . He agreed and followed her home . She made hot chocolate and put together a plate of crackers , cheese , and cookies . He appreciated everything and was , as always , quite courtly . She enjoyed his company , his sometimes wicked sense of humor , and his intelligence , and she felt more comfortable around him than around any man she could think of . She told him all of this when she was tipsy enough to blurt out her innermost thoughts , then blushed furiously and muster that he could just ignore that . She leaned into him , smelling a whiff of pipe smoke and brandy . She snuggled closer as he began to rub her back . Non - sexually , she told herself , but it felt very good . It kept getting better , too . He took his time , making sure she was relaxed and happy . She looked up at him to ask if he was comfortable and found herself kissing him instead . This was not a bad thing , she decided , enjoying the kiss . Events continued to unfold at a relaxed pace , both of them enjoying sensations and feeling relaxed and happy . At one point she stopped and said , " I 'm sorry to ask this , but , well , can you get it up ? I know older men sometimes have a problem . " The next morning , as courtly as ever , he made a simple breakfast , ate with her , and then took his leave . They agreed to meet at the bar the next week . They discussed the previous night , agreed that it was enjoyable for both parties , and agreed that neither was looking for a relationship . They parted as friends , both happier for the dalliance . April 4 , 2012December 5 , 2016 by wendryn The idea of the social contract is that people have an agreement to form a society and be governed by the laws of that society . Another piece of this , though , is that people within the society agree to certain things between themselves . One of these things is how to deal with areas in which we have little or no expertise . Lawyers , doctors , scientists , or any profession which requires a high degree of study and specific knowledge fall into this category . We give them money and they provide us with the benefit of their knowledge . This one took everything . We had a contract , but he decided that he would charge us for a whole lot of little things that weren 't specified . They weren 't specifically excluded , either , though , so when I went to another one of his profession to ask , I was told that it was legal . Not ethical , but legal . We needed him , my wife and I . We needed his help and he cleaned us out , took our money to the bank , strung us along , and eventually said he couldn 't help us . He 'd listed a bunch of possibilities to start with , but when it came down to actually doing something , he never did . I 'd lay bets he laughed all the way to the bank . He took another pair of suckers , convinced us he was a good guy , that he knew what he was doing , and then he took our hope and smashed it . My wife is dead now . She killed herself when the last little bit of hope was extinguished . We had a future , even with this last hope gone , but she could not live without some hope in that arena . Maybe she wasn 't imaginative enough . I don 't know . All I know is that this person left us with nothing to try again , no way of making it better . We were bankrupt by the time he was done with us and we had nothing to show for it . Our savings , our house , everything , was gone , all in pursuit of the false hope he was selling . I 'm writing this letter because it 's time to make sure that he doesn 't take anything from anyone else ever again . I 'm sure he has hurt people before , and if I don 't do something , he 'll hurt others . Maybe this makes me despicable , too , but I have nothing to lose . He goes down , then I do , and it 's over . No one will miss me , I think . No family anymore , nothing left to hand out . The only thing I will leave is the lack of a person who takes advantage of people like us . I used to be a sniper . I can be one again . This man , this awful creature , this poor excuse for a human being , took everything from me . I 'm just returning the favor . " It was all of us ! I mean , we didn 't mean to . We didn 't want any of this to happen . We were just pushing buttons ! Who would be stupid enough to leave a real missile silo unguarded ? We thought it was a mock - up or something ! It was just a place Hank found , a tunnel , and we went in to explore . You aren 't supposed to leave dangerous things out like this ! We 're teenagers . We were just screwing around . We were doing what teenagers do , and we didn 't know it would hurt anybody . Honest . " He abruptly stopped talking and leaned his head on the wall . After a few moments , he added , " We didn 't know anyone would die . " The large military man sighed . The dog came from the back of the room and sat next to him , a large , hulking beast , a perfect match for the man . The four boys , seeing the dog , sat up a little straighter . The reality was less terrifying than any imagined creature . " You have loosed the dogs of war . You have killed off at least a third of the world 's population in one day , and another quarter , at least , will die from what comes afterwards . You have no idea of the number of lives you cut short because you were stupid children who wanted to push buttons . If I had my choice , I would feed you to my dog , but I doubt that would be accepted any more readily than your actions . That many people dead is a statistic . If I kill you four , however much you deserve it , people will hate me . You are four faces , four young , stupid , faces , on which their hopes and dreams can be pinned . " He sighed again . " You are going to spend the rest of your lives atoning for this mess . It was a stupid act that changed the world , and you are going to do your damnedest to make it better . " " Here 's the deal . I will not tell anyone what you did . At this point , they 're blaming anyone and everyone in power . No one will know it was you . Trust me on this ; you never want them to know . Everyone lost someone dear to them . Most people lost more than one . If they knew , they would tear you limb from limb , and I am not exaggerating . Do you understand ? " " If you only write when you 're inspired , you may be a fairly decent poet but you 'll never be a novelist because you 're going to have to make your word count and those words aren 't going to wait for whether you 're inspired or not . So , you have to write when you 're not inspired and you have to write the scenes that don 't inspire you … . . when people come to me and they say I want to be a writer , what should I do , I say you have to write . Sometimes they say , well I 'm already doing that what else should I do , and I say you have to finish things because that 's where you learn from . You learn by finishing things . " - Neil Gaiman There are days that I don 't want to write . Since Katja was born , there have been more days that I don 't want to write than days I do . There are a myriad of things to write about if I just look around a little , but I am tired . At the moment , it is 6 : 30 in the morning . I have been up since 4 : 45 , fed Katja and gotten her back to sleep , gone for a 1 . 5 mile run in 24 degree weather ( one of my toes went numb ! ) , and done dishes . All of those are things that I can write about . Katja 's contented snuggling when she finished her bottle , the streetlights making the frosty grass sparkle , coming home to a warm house , the satisfaction of creating order from chaos : each of these could be the beginning of something interesting , be it short or long . Each could provide a snippet of a novel , a scene of contentment or thoughtfulness , or a description of fighting for something , even something as small as wanting to be the best person possible for those you love . I think that writers suffer from a couple of problems when they are focused on trying to write . One is that they get so wrapped up in their writing that they forget to lift up their heads once in a while and look at the world . When I get particularly stymied , sometimes I will go someplace very busy . I will sit on a bench and watch people . I see how they interact with each other and wonder why . I look at how they dress , how they move , how they present themselves to the world . I think about what I might have in common with them and what I might not , what their day might be like , and why they react that way . I see kindness and cruelty , laughter and pain , and the stories start running in my head again . Sometimes it doesn 't take much . A brightly woven scarf on an otherwise very mousy person , for instance , or a small act of kindness , unexpected . The other problem I see is fear . We write for an audience , whether or not that is our primary goal . I write here because I need to sort out the world , but I know there are a few people who read it . I choose my words carefully ( or I try to , at least ) and I am very aware that I have an audience , even though it is small . That sometimes chokes my words . I sit down to write and I start thinking too much about what it might sound like to someone else . Once I 'm thinking about that , it is almost impossible for me to write anything . I think it sounds stupid or inane or that no one will get past the first paragraph without giving up in disgust . I had an English teacher who had us write a page in five minutes at the beginning of every class . We didn 't have to write anything in particular ; if all we wrote was one word or one sentence , that was fine . We just had to write . As we got better , as the year progressed , she began giving us topics , but we still got a good grade on the exercise if we filled a page . It seemed somewhat silly at the time , but it taught me that sometimes I just need to start writing , even if I don 't feel like there is anything to write about . I have been singing all my life . I am not amazing , but I 'm not bad . I enjoy singing . I don 't much like performing , though , for the same reason that writing is sometimes difficult . I do not like feeling judged . I doubt that anyone really does . There is a song that helps me a little , though , that I first heard on Sesame Street when I was fairly young and have loved ever since . It 's called Sing ( Sing a Song ) and it is , as far as I can tell , originally by the Carpenters . It doesn 't matter if these words are never read or if my music is never heard . I still need to write and I still need to sing . Both of these make my life fuller and more interesting , make me happier , make me pay more attention to the world . I believe that writers only run out of things to write about if they allow themselves to stop paying attention to what is going on around them or allow themselves to be controlled by fear . If you want to write , write . If you don 't feel inspired , look out the window , take a walk , take a break , and then sit down and write anyway . It won 't always be easy ; it often isn 't . Sometimes , though , the pieces you like least while you are writing them , those pieces that come from a complete lack of inspiration , can turn out to be quite good when you look at them again . Just sit down and write . Put words on paper or on a screen . Even if it 's just one word , over and over , it may develop into something more . For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week , Michael challenged me with " " I believe that writers run out of material , I really do . " - Brian Wilson " and I challenged Tara Roberts with " " I speak for the dead . " Don 't go the Orson Scott Card route , please . Make it scientific rather than psychological . " January 16 , 2012December 5 , 2016 by wendryn She sat in front of the simple mirror , running the boar - bristle brush through her ebon hair . She smiled as she thought fondly of her handsome fiancé for whom she waited with trembling excitement . Their love was deeper than the deepest ocean and , according to their families , they fit together like hand and glove . They had fallen in love at first sight , and today would be another full day spent together , a joyous meeting of the minds . Tomorrow they would be married , and her heart yearned for him . The door to her private bower was flung open with great force as he stumbled over the miniscule threshold . " My love ! " he exclaimed passionately as he landed on his well - formed knees . " At last we shall have time to truly know the bliss of each others ' company ! " She stood and extended a hand to help him up , her delicate sleeve sweeping the small table clear of all of the bottles and colorful jars . She had learned early to make sure to put caps back on bottles , so the mess was minor . In any case , she had more important things to consider . " Ah , darling ! How I have desperately awaited your arrival ! We have such pleasure to look forward to for the rest of our blessed lives . " She blushed and pulled away , but he pulled her to his manly chest and breathed in her intoxicating scent . She pushed futilely against his iron muscles . " We must not ! " she whispered . " Not until tomorrow ! " He reluctantly released his powerful hold , his fingers brushing her alabaster cheek . " I suppose you are right , " he said . They proceeded to the private nook in which the servants had set up an intimate repast . He pulled her chair out with a flourish that ended with the chair in pieces against a wall , and a servant quickly brought another . She sat down , flustered by his might . He settled across the small table from her . She picked up a succulent grape and reached across to place it into his inviting mouth . Her other arm knocked over the sturdy water pitcher . Both ignored the servant who put the replacement carafe on another table just out of reach . He bit the grape gently and pulled it out of her fingers , then leaned forward to kiss the delightful extremities . The garnet wine next to his well - turned elbow spilled in a flood over her ivory dress . She stood up quickly , tripped over her chair , and managed to sprawl in a way that left her looking radiantly mussed . A single , jewel - like tear crept down her fair skin . He gently picked her up , feeling her faint as he put her over his muscular shoulder . " You 'll be fine , beloved . " His gallant voice was ground between his teeth , but he was determined to take care of her as he had promised her family he would . January 3 , 2012December 5 , 2016 by wendryn Unfortunately , this guy I grew up with is now famous . He 's a star in the music world . I wish I had been nicer . Everyone who knew both of us knows that he holds a grudge and that I 'm the subject . He 's still angry . He makes it very clear in his latest video . I have to hear what 's in his head . I was the beautiful one . Not just in high school , but elementary school , too . I was the one that all the boys fell in love with . I was popular , the center of attention , a cheerleader , and not a very nice person . I 'm not very nice now , either , but I am seeing a little more of what other people see . If nothing else , I will try to be more careful just so this doesn 't happen again . He was the geek , the nerd , the guy no one wanted to be seen with . He was the person you went to if you needed help with your homework , but you never actually said hello to him in the hallway . We called him Urkel , if that makes it easier to imagine . He had a huge crush on me , and I ignored him . Every time he tried to do something nice , I would laugh at him . Sometimes I would even get other people to laugh , too . I mean , seriously . Why did he think I would pay attention to someone like him ? In the video he has me sweeping stairs at the end . That 's not true . I have a perfectly good job . I 'm a secretary for a really big company . I 'm good at my job , too , and I present a pretty face to the public , which always helps . People come in really angry about something , but they are always nice to me . I might not be very smart , but I am not as low as he shows me . He 's just being mean . I 'm trying to be nicer to those people , the unattractive ones . I try to at least pretend to listen to them , and I am getting better at turning down weird looking guys more gently . I don 't laugh at them anymore . I 'm engaged to a great guy who tells me I 'm beautiful every single day . He has a lot of money , too , so I might not have to work a lot longer . I am smart enough to get a good lawyer for a prenuptial agreement , though . I 'm not going to be dumped for someone younger and prettier when he gets tired of me . Famous guy I grew up with ? Fuck you , too . I 'll bet you aren 't nice to people now that you don 't have to be . December 13 , 2011December 5 , 2016 by wendryn " Your father traveled a lot . " She smiled . " In some ways , though , it seemed like he was here . He sent postcards and letters from everywhere he ended up , at least once a day , sometimes more . He was very involved even when he was across the country . Open a box ! " He pulled the top box from the pile and took off the lid . Four stacks of postcards were arranged to fit neatly . He picked up a small stack and flipped through them . " Welcome to Sunny California ! " proclaimed the first over a picture of the fog - shrouded Golden Gate Bridge . The other side was a chatty , cheerful note about tourists wearing shorts and obviously just - purchased sweaters . There was also a promise of chocolate , and he had a vivid memory of the dark , slightly bitter taste of the small pieces , carefully doled out to make them last . The next , a picture of pouring rain seen through the windshield of a car , had a different tone . " It 's been a long couple of weeks . I miss you both so much . I 'll be home soon after you get this and they 've promised at least a month with no travel . We can catch up and I 'll fix everything around the house . I can tuck Nate in every night , too . " He showed that one to his mother , and she teared up and sniffed , then smiled . " We were lucky that time . He didn 't have to ship out for six months . It was so nice to have that much time with him . " Her smile turned to a grin . " Well , except for his socks left all over the house . Small price to pay , though . " He reached back in and picked one at random . A picture of Hawaii from the air , with " The weather is here , wish you were beautiful " across the top . The back read , " Hi , darling . I can send this because I know you 'll laugh . You are the best part of my life , and I can imagine your smile as you read this . " He looked up and saw that his mother had gone back to sleep . He opened another box and settled in . When she woke up , they 'd go through more memories . She was in her last few days , and he wanted her to be as happy as possible . For all the times his father had been gone , he did make her happy . For the IndieInk Writing Challenge this week , Michael challenged me with " " The weather is here , I wish you were beautiful . " " and I challenged R . L . W . with " " We are , all of us , in the gutter … but some of us are looking at stars . " - Wil Wheaton " December 7 , 2011December 5 , 2016 by wendryn " Hey , kid . Sonora just broke a toe . You 're up tomorrow . Make sure you 're ready . " She called her family . " You have to come out . I know it 's a two hour drive , but I can comp your tickets , and I 'm playing the Sugar Plum Fairy . This is a huge step up for me . I 've been a snowflake for years , been the backup for Sugar Plum for the last two years , and this is my big break . I need to know you 'll be there . " She paused , listening , and then said " Oh , great ! I can 't wait to see you ! " Rehearsal time . She found her partner and they started to work . They 'd practiced it before , of course , but there was a new intensity now that he knew he 'd be on stage with her tomorrow . They danced well together , though , and after a few run - throughs they decided that it would be fine . She checked in with costuming , glad that she was the same size as Sonora . They had her try on the costume to make sure . It fit perfectly . She went out to the quiet , empty stage . The music played in her head as she practiced her solo parts , dressed as the Sugar Plum Fairy , spinning across the floor . Tomorrow she would be in full makeup , dancing with the whole company and the audience watching , but for the moment it was her time to feel the music and make sure there wasn 't a stumble or missed step . |
Some short stories and novellas . See list of subject categories to the right of the first story . Many of these stories have gay characters and themes ( other than the two obvious categories under ' Labels ' , Cinque Ports and Lewis also deal with gay subjects ) . My apologies for the errors . I am not good at proofing , and my frequent revisions leave scraps of earlier versions embedded in the posted text . Wednesday , 5 March 2008 This is a work of fiction . Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental . The characters are not real and the events depicted in this story did not happen and are not based on my life . The weekend following my encounter with Lewis , Peter and I stopped by the Gardner Street Bar to have supper . The waiter had just poured the first glasses of wine for us . Peter , as was his habit , was examining the other patrons . ' Who 's that with Lewis ? ' I turned around in my chair and followed the direction of Peter 's outstretched hand . ' Oh , his name 's Harry Castlemain . He 's the singer Ian and Craig were telling you about last night . ' Lewis and Harry were standing in the queue just inside the door . The rain had closed the patio area , and all the tables inside had quickly been taken . ' Oh , please don 't . I 'm not in the mood for Lewis tonight . ' But I spoke too late . Peter had already stood up and waved to attract Lewis 's attention . Lewis saw him immediately and grabbed Harry by the hand and began pulling him through the crowd , obviously happy to find a place to sit and people he knew to sit with . I wouldn 't be able to say which of those considerations ranked higher in his mind . Peter glanced down at me with a surprised look . ' Sorry , I should have checked first . You usually like being with Lewis . ' Peter often invited others to sit with us when we went out . He liked crowds of people around him . I seldom objected . It increased the number of people to talk with and gave us a subject for conversation when we were alone later . I shrugged and stood up to welcome Lewis and Harry . Lewis gave me an enthusiastic hug and kiss on the cheek . Peter got the usual squeeze on the arm and the full smile Lewis reserved for those he knew only slightly . Peter and I had been sitting opposite each other , and after I introduced Harry and Peter , I started to move to one of the chairs adjacent to Peter . Lewis stopped me and almost shoved me back into the chair I had been using . I ended up with Lewis on one side and Harry on the other . Just as we all said down again , the waiter brought the appetizer we had ordered . ' Oh , mussels . I love these . ' Lewis beamed at the waiter . Lewis wanted him to know that his thoughtfulness in supplying Lewis with food so quickly was appreciated . The waiter smiled back at Lewis and lisped , ' I love muscles myself , Sir . ' ' Gardner Street has the best mussels . ' That was an explanation for Harry . Even before the waiter finished putting the bowl on the table , Lewis had broken off a chunk of bread and was dipping it in the sauce . ' Do help yourself , Lewis . ' Peter often affected a dryly amused tone at Lewis 's expense , but I think he enjoyed Lewis 's company . He took his own plate and set it in front of Lewis just in time to keep the cloth from getting stained from the juice - laden piece of bread Lewis was lifting toward his mouth . ' Please bring two more plates and glasses . We 'd better have another order of mussels and then another bottle of wine . The same again , I think . ' The last was spoken to the waiter . ' Harry , you should try the mussels before the ravenous maw gobbles them all . Why don 't you give Harry your plate , Jonathan ? I hope you two will be able to join us for dinner . ' Peter ran a company in the Brighton area that provided computer animation services for television and advertising . He was used to giving orders and having them followed and could be rather imperious . I think that was why he was so fond of Lewis . He recognised someone with similar traits . Lewis nodded his thanks . ' This is perfect . We were just walking past , and I was telling Harry what a great place this is , and we stopped in just on the chance that we might be able to get a table without too long a wait , and here you are . ' ' Hmmm , they do indeed . ' Lewis directed one of his high - wattage smiles toward everyone around him . ' Jonathan told me you were in Brussels . ' Only the owner of a popular restaurant would regard the table we were seated at as large enough for four . We were forced close together . As Lewis and Peter discussed his trip to Brussels , Lewis extended his arm along the back of my chair and rubbed my neck just above the collar with the ball of his thumb . It was an oddly possessive gesture . I could see Peter 's eyes follow the progress of Lewis 's arm . The movement wasn 't lost on Harry either . Peter had more practice in hiding his emotions , however . Other than a slight flicker of his eyes and an amused lift of one corner of his mouth to indicate that he would have a question for me later , he betrayed no concern . A brief look of worry crossed Harry 's face . I must confess that I rather liked Harry 's reaction . If he didn 't feel secure in his relationship with Lewis yet , perhaps nothing had been settled yet . After Peter and Lewis had exhausted the subject of Brussels , with many asides from Lewis to Harry to explain Peter 's work , Peter commenced his cross - examination of Harry . He did this to anyone who piqued his interest at the first meeting . He was very skilled at getting people to talk about themselves without feeling embarrassed or challenged . He soon had Harry at ease and answering his questions confidently . This was actually my first opportunity to be with Harry , too . His résumé was quite impressive . The music schools he had won admittance to and his teachers were all first rate . Harry and I were the only ones to appreciate fully what it meant to have Martha Elborg accept one as a student , but both Peter and Lewis could see from my reaction that I was impressed by this news . ' I 've met her . She worked with my father in coaching the soloists for several of his productions . She 's noted for her skills in training singers to project emotion through their voices . I think the last time I spoke with her was during the preparations for my father 's stagings of Riders to the Sea and The Beggar 's Opera for the Dublin Summer Festival the year before he died . That would have been four years ago . ' ' Does she ? Well , they were close colleagues for many years . She and her husband often collaborated with my father . Thank you telling me that . ' I found myself touched by Harry 's remark . Most young singers and musicians rushed to tell me how great my parents were , as if they thought I were somehow ignorant of that fact . Many , however , seemed to feel that they needed to qualify their praise with judicious reservations about this or that aspect of my parents ' talents . Often their comments were addressed more to the audience than to me . Harry in contrast spoke rather quietly to me alone . Lewis chose that moment to ask Peter 's advice about video recorders , and the Gardner Street Bar was noisy enough that Peter and Lewis may not have heard our exchange clearly . Our food had arrived by that point , and we were eating . I nearly dropped my fork and knife when Lewis chose that moment to squeeze my knee . During the time we had been sitting there , his knee had brushed against mine several times and eventually came to rest against mine . I don 't know what game he was playing , but I was getting tired of it . ' Oh , this table is so small . Lewis , I must apologise for bumping into your leg so often . I 'll try not to step on your toes . ' My tone was sharp enough that Peter realised something was afoot . ' Let me move my chair closer to Harry . That will give you a bit more room , Lewis . ' Lewis grinned at me mischievously as he moved his chair a half - inch away . His knee returned to its previous position after a minute or so . This time he moved it up and down several times . If it had been anyone but Lewis , I would have suspected that the intent was to make me feel bad . A week earlier Lewis had told me that he couldn 't love me after we had spent half the night in bed together , and now I was trying to make polite conversation with his intended life - mate while he was playing footsie with me under the table . Lewis can be self - absorbed at times but he is not insensitive to the moods of those around him . One of the reasons he is so well liked is that he does understand what others are feeling . He may regard their feelings and needs as secondary to his own , but as long as he is satisfied and happy , he sees no problem in helping others feel the same . And he was happy that night . So I don 't think Lewis was trying to be cruel or to tease me . Peter and Harry did most of the talking that evening . Both Lewis and I were relatively quiet . Relations between him and Harry were , as far as I could judge , developing along the lines he wanted . Occasionally he would smile proudly when Harry made a good point , rather like a parent whose child has said something clever . The two of them exchanged private looks often enough to make it clear that they were becoming close . It was until we had left the restaurant that I had a chance to talk with Lewis alone . He and Harry were going on to one of the clubs , and Peter had offered to drop them off on the way . The pavement was crowded , and Peter and Harry had gotten ahead of us and were separated from us by several other pedestrians . ' Thank you for inviting us to share your table . ' ' I know that 's not true . In any case , I thank you . It was of nice of you to do that for Harry and me . ' I gave up trying to dissuade Lewis . He had made up his mind that I had fallen in with his schemes . My approval was apparently important enough to him that he took my denials as teasing . ' Harry ? He 's considerate of others , isn 't he ? That should make him a suitable partner for you . ' I thought it safer to move the subject away from Harry 's personality to a more neutral subject . ' He must be a very talented musician . He 's had an impressive schooling . Teachers at that level accept only the best pupils . They don 't waste their time with amateurs . ' ' I 'm quite jealous of your good fortune . How does someone with all your impediments end up with someone like Harry ? ' I tried to speak lightly but my voice must have held an edge . ' I 'm not angry , Lewis . A bit sad perhaps and feeling sorry for myself . But I 'll get over that . And you don 't need my approval . It 's clear that the two of you like each other . ' I tried to deflect the conversation again . ' I can see your future now . You 'll end up retiring together to Jersey to a sunset homes development and living out your golden years padding around in baggy beach shorts and brightly coloured shirts and rubber flip - flops . You 'll have a large collection of seashells gathered from your travels around the world . Every afternoon at five , you will mix a batch of exotic drinkies that you learned to make in Bora Bora and sit out on your patio surrounded by bougainvillea and crepe myrtle and play a rubber of bridge with the couple who owns the unit next door . ' ' What a depressing thought . Not the week 's vacation . I meant the retirement years . Elderly men with stringy legs and wiry white chest hair , walking the dog on the sand . ' ' It is rather awful to contemplate , isn 't it ? Well , we 're still a good many years away from that . ' I glanced over at Lewis . He was looking ahead of us and almost jigging down the street . He was well fed and content and full of energy and goodwill . When he became aware that I was watching him , he turned to me and smiled , radiantly . He is such a beautiful person . It 's hard not to be fond of him at moments like that . ' You were quiet tonight . ' Peter was attempting to pull back into the street after letting Lewis and Harry off . He was turned away from me , looking back over his shoulder into the lane of approaching traffic . The rain had stopped , but the street was still wet and the many lights of Kitchener Street were duplicated over and over again on every surface . ' What was going on between you and Lewis ? ' ' No , it wasn 't that . We were talking on the way to your car . He thought I was the one behind the invitation to share our table . It was his way of thanking me . ' ' Given your feelings for Lewis , I wondered if you weren 't the one who was jealous . I 'm taking you back to my place , by the way . Do you need to stop at your house first to get anything or take care of that cat of yours ? ' ' Is it that apparent ? And no , I have everything I need . Am I staying the night ? I need to get back early to feed Murphy before he tears the kitchen up trying to feed himself . ' ' I 'll see what I feel like after I finish . I may drive you back tonight when I am done . And yes , your feelings for Lewis have long been apparent , to everyone , I should imagine . I also had the definite impression that something has happened between you and Lewis . You were rather distant toward Harry at first . I could see that he was confused by your attitude . It 's hardly his fault that you 've have the hots for Lewis . You mustn 't let your unrequited feelings spill over onto Lewis 's dates . What are Lewis 's intentions toward Harry , do you know ? ' ' Why don 't you just tell me what happened ? It will save us both time . Why must you always try to provoke me by playing these stalling games . ' So I did . The recital took all of the three - quarters of an hour it took to drive to Peter 's place in the country . I began with the scene at Capers and progressed to Lewis 's early morning phone call and ended with his departure late Saturday morning . By the time I had finished relating the story to Peter , we had arrived at his house . He was seated in an armchair by the fireplace , sipping a glass of whisky and smoking a cigarette . I was standing beside him . As usual , he was dressed and I was naked . His left hand was stroking my body casually . He often treated me like a pet when we were alone . He would touch me frequently , sometimes just drawing the tips of his fingers lightly over the skin , sometimes massaging the muscles vigorously . Occasionally there would be a rougher contact . Or he would make me walk back and forth before him , displaying myself . Sometimes I had to kneel by the chair , and he would pat my head and neck . I would sit , roll over , heel , beg , all at his command and for his amusement . ' Oh , I didn 't mean a three - way . I meant that I would have liked to have watched the two of you . I wouldn 't have let Lewis know I was there . That would have made it more amusing . You would have known that the two of you were being watched . He would not have . I don 't suppose you taped it . ' ' What did he say when he saw the welts and bruises on your body ? It 's been almost two weeks now , and they are still visible . They must have been even more apparent last weekend . ' ' It was dark in the room . The curtains were pulled , but there was enough light coming in from outside that we could see , see well enough for what we were doing . We didn 't turn the lights on . He probably didn 't see them . In any case , Lewis didn 't devote much attention to inspecting my body . He was horny . He just wanted to get off . ' ' Can a simple orgasm still satisfy you , Jonathan ? A pity Lewis doesn 't know you as well as I do . It would be interesting to know how Lewis would react to the knowledge of just what the elegant , cultured , ever so preciously overeducated Jonathan Spenser likes to do . ' ' Meaning that I am . ' Peter took a long sip of his whisky and then looked at me analytically . ' As usual , you mislabel . The sadism is just a means of expressing a power relation . You invited me to use you and dominate you . It was our bargain . The more temperate means of doing so quickly paled . We had to resort to sharper means of satisfying your desire to be punished . Eventually , I suspect , your needs will outdistance even my willingness to accommodate them . Then you will have to move on and find someone else . Would you have told me about your encounter with Lewis if I hadn 't asked ? ' ' Well , if there are others , you must tell me about them . Promise me you will . ' I nodded . " Good . I may even arrange an encounter for you . I have other friends who would find pleasure in using you . We could do it here , and I could tape it or spy on you . Would you like to be a porno actor ? ' ' But those tapes are just for my own amusement . I could easily produce a professional - quality movie . You would need another name , however . " Jonathan Spenser " is too bland for the professional world . Unfortunately , you are getting too old to be a star in that world . So the film would have to be for limited release for gentlemen with refined tastes . I shall think about it . ' I didn 't respond . Peter continued to stroke my legs absentmindedly . He didn 't like to be interrupted while thinking . When he next spoke , he reverted to the subject of Lewis . ' I think you are misinterpreting what Lewis was doing last weekend . For whatever reason , Lewis is beginning to devote some thought to securing his comforts in the future . If this Harry is as talented as you say , his career promises to be successful . So he became a candidate . But look at it from Lewis 's standpoint . Among his many acquaintances , who else has as much money as you ? Who else leads an interesting life that takes him places Lewis would like to go ? Lewis is nothing if not calculating . He can be quite sensible and level - headed in assessing how to get what he wants . I imagine it was a short jump in Lewis 's thought processes from a promising young singer to the love child of a famous conductor and a famous singer , who already has what Lewis wants in plentiful supply . You are a few years older than Lewis , but not so much older that it would develop into a problem soon . Otherwise , Lewis might have picked me or someone like me . But the disparity in our ages probably led him to realise that I would reach the geriatric stage long before him and die on him , leaving him stranded past his prime and unable to attract anyone else . ' No , I think Lewis was trying you out last Saturday . Would you do or should he set his cap at Harry ? Lewis knows of your infatuation . He knew it would take little expenditure of his charms to convince you to set up housekeeping . I wonder in what respects you disappointed Lewis . Poor Jonathan . You must have felt so inadequate when you found that your love for Lewis was not sufficient to attract him . You might have had better success if you had offered to turn over all your worldly goods to him . ' ' Lewis is sometimes more perspicacious than I give him credit for . ' Peter drank the last of his whiskey and stared into the glass . ' Should I have another ? I think not . I am tired of the subject of Lewis for now . I will devote more thought to this situation later . Now it is time for you to amuse me in other ways . Go upstairs . Wait for me face down on the bed . ' He tossed the stub of the cigarette into the fireplace and stood up . When Peter finished shutting up his house and came upstairs , I was lying on the bed he kept for sex . That night , he cuffed me and chained my ankles and wrists to the bedposts . Sometimes he allowed me to be free . As usual , the act of tying me down was a sign that he would be rougher than usual . Peter was very skilled in pacing his torments . At first he just continued to stroke me . He seldom spoke during these sessions except to issue brief commands . I knew from experience that he wanted me to relax , to just lie there docilely . We had long passed the point where my struggles meant anything . He knew I wanted him to hurt me . I knew that I wanted him to hurt me . Attempting to resist him or pretending to be frightened would have been playacting . The first strokes of the crop against my buttocks were just taps . Peter drew the tip of the crop across my body , teasing me with it . The first strong blow surprised . Peter hit me with the palm of his hand with all his force . The sting of it forced the air out of my lungs and I cried out . Peter resumed hitting me with the riding crop , a little more forcefully than before , a little more frequently . Occasionally he would spank me with his hand again . Eventually he moved on to the belt and the paddle , and finally the tawse . He once made me watch a video he had made of one of these beatings . I was surprised how hard the blows were and how noisy they were and how loudly I cried out . I could recall none of that . There always came a point when the blows ceased to hurt , when I found myself anticipating them and raising my arse to receive them . There was no pain then , only mindless involvement in the now of the beating . No past , no future , just now . It drove everything else out of my mind . The violence brought me peace and serenity . It was not until a session had ceased that my body became aware of the pain again . It was only in the days that followed that I hurt . As usual , Peter made me get on my knees and suck him off . He grew larger as he reached the point of orgasm and repeatedly thrust his cock deep into my mouth , his hands clasping my head tightly against his groin and his breath coming in gasps . At the end , he ground his cock so hard into my mouth that the hair around his groin tore at my nose and mouth . He shouted as he came in my mouth . He usually did that only when he was very excited . He liked to pull himself out at the last minute and cum on my face . But this time I felt the hot spurts of his cum on the back of my throat . I swallowed automatically , without thought . He let his cock rest in my mouth for a few seconds . As it deflated slightly , I licked it clean for him . I remained kneeling on the floor beside the bed while he went into the bathroom . The shower ran for a time , and then he disappeared into his own bedroom . When he returned , he was dressed in street clothes . ' Get up on the bed . ' Peter usually became very tender and almost compassionate when he was finished . If he had come on my face or body , he would clean me up with a warm facecloth , sometimes even bathing me . As he did that night , he always checked my body for any open wounds and put antiseptic on them . He dressed me carefully to avoid causing me more pain . He was quite solicitous as he helped me into the car , even putting a pillow on the seat to cushion my now - tender rear a bit . During the half - hour it took to drive me home , Peter didn 't say much . When we reached my house . He shut the engine off to avoid disturbing the neighbours . He didn 't turn to face me as we spoke . The light from the streetlamp was cut off by the roof of the car and only his hands resting on the steering wheel and the lower part of his chest were lit . His profile was simply a darker area against the hedge opposite . ' Are we approaching the end of the affair ? ' It wasn 't until I thought about that night later that I realised that he was reverting to a subject he had raised earlier . Our ' contract ' specified that either of us could opt out at any time . We simply had to tell the other . There would be no discussion , no attempts to dissuade the partner . ' I have felt more and more lately that I am reaching the limits of my ability to satisfy your desire for cruelty . I wonder if I should move on to another person or find a less physical way to hurt you . That would be more of a challenge . ' Peter finally turned to look at me . ' Another of your verbal tricks . " If you wish " - that always leaves your wishes unstated , as if you had none and your only thought was to conform yourself to the other person . As if you were dependent on the other person to determine your behaviour . You always make the other person responsible for what happens . Perhaps I shall be so cruel as never to torture you again . To force you to make your own decisions . To confront your own desires and take steps to satisfy them . That way you couldn 't pretend that they didn 't exist . ' ' No , you have been using me to learn that . I am only an instrument of your will . And a sleepy instrument at that . We should say good - night . Have we ever kissed ? ' ' Perhaps that would be a good way to mark the new stage in our relationship . I wish to remain in touch . I want to know what is happening in your life . I may even intervene . We shall go out to dinner once a week or so and you will update me . ' Peter put a hand behind my head and pulled me closer . He started to kiss me and then drew back and laughed . ' No . Perhaps not . A handshake would be more appropriate , I think . ' Peter drove off even before I reached my door . Murphy was thumping against the other side , reproaching me for leaving him alone so long . I picked him up and carried him upstairs with me . I didn 't turn on the lights . I didn 't want to see myself in the mirror over the bathroom sink . ' I don 't know . It 's always been here as long as I can remember . The windows aren 't large enough to admit it . So it had to have been brought up the stairs . My father liked the light up here , and he thought walking up all those stairs was good exercise for his lungs . ' ' Someone told me that there is a firm called " Death Wish Piano Movers " in Boston in the States . It must have been someone like that . Are you expecting someone else ? ' Harry pointed to the table on which I had set out a carafe of coffee and three cups . ' Oh , this is just part of what was here when he died . We gave all the correspondence and his notes about productions to the Music Library at Goldsmiths College . He also had an enormous number of vinyl records . A lot of them were inscribed by the performers who gave them to him . Once I started replacing them with CDs , those went to Goldsmiths too . I kept the scores because I use them in my studies , but I 'll donate those when I 'm finished with them . ' ' Of course , that 's why you 're here . They 're arranged alphabetically by composer . It gets a bit haphazard after that , but they 're more or less grouped by genre - piano works , chamber music , operas . What are you working on now , besides the Mahler Eighth ? ' ' Oh , we 'll have a copy of those . Just a second . ' I headed down the appropriate aisle of shelving . Unfortunately the W 's were on the bottom shelf , and I had to get down on my hands and knees to search for the Wolf . ' What ? Oh that 's Murphy . He likes to sit on the window sills up here and watch the street . Ah , I found it . You 're in luck . My father marked this copy heavily . He must have worked on this with someone . ' When I emerged from between the rows of shelves , Harry was scratching Murphy behind the ears . To judge from Murphy 's response , Harry was a good petter . ' He won 't let you alone as long as you are willing to pet him . ' ' Murphy , get down . Harry doesn 't want you fussing at him . ' Actually I didn 't want Harry to pet Murphy . He had taken Lewis and now he was seducing my cat . ' It 's all right . I like cats . ' Murphy settled himself on Harry 's lap as Harry paged through the music until he found the piece he wanted . Murphy opened and closed his eyes at me . I had lived up to his standards in cat lovers . ' Oh , this is interesting . This is a very different reading of the line . ' Harry sung a phrase quietly . Murphy was about to fall asleep on Harry 's leg . At the first note , he sat up and looked at him fiercely and them jumped down and scurried from the room . ' Or I could play for you . Accompanying singers is my one musical talent . ' For the next hour or so , Harry sang . At first , before his voice had warmed up , he held back a bit , but after a while , he began using more of his voice . That night in Capers , he had sung in a popular style . Now he was using his trained voice . As is true of many musicians I have known and of all the great ones , his concentration on the music was intense and complete . What I hadn 't expected was how intelligent his singing was . Once he had absorbed how my father had envisioned the line , that became the basis for an emotional projection of the meaning . Sometimes he adopted my father 's version . At other times he adapted it . And at still other times he rejected it entirely . Making music under such circumstances can be a very intimate activity . It brings two people together in a project that involves minute adjustments to the other . When both singer and pianist are skilled , the collaboration can be marvellous . The results are so much greater than the individuals . Unfortunately I fell short . But even so , it was a very satisfying hour . We hadn 't been speaking much , just the occasional comment on the music , but it felt as if we had had a long and deeply personal conversation about important matters . I actually played better than I usually do , and that always feels good . I suppose that gave me a feeling of gratitude toward Harry . That and the illusion of intimacy may have led to what followed . When we finished , I somehow felt that Harry and I were far closer friends than we were and had known each other for a long time . Harry sat down next to me on the piano bench . I was still facing the keyboard , and he sat with his back to it . It brought us into an odd sort of propinquity . When either of us spoke , he turned his head to look at the other , who remained facing away from the speaker . I was the first to break the silence . ' This room is not large enough for your voice . Nor are my skills as an accompanist equal to your talents . ' ' There 's no need to be polite . You are too talented not to know how good you are and how mediocre I am . At best I am satisfactory . If you are planning to give song recitals , you will need someone with far greater abilities than I have . Or do you already have someone ? ' Harry shook his head no . ' I would like to give more recitals , though . It is one way to get stage experience . I 've only done a few local concerts , benefits mostly , to help raise money for the local church or some other charity . And the odd concert appearance here and there . I sometimes wonder if I shall ever do anything other than the annual Christmas appearance as the tenor in the Messiah in Lower Piddlington - supra - Mare or be the understudy for Rudolfo in the Sunderland Light Opera . ' ' Perhaps I can find someone for you . My mother uses Hans Kollner . I doubt that he is available , but I will ask her if she knows of someone . If she can 't recommend someone , there are other people I can ask . ' ' All of this . ' Harry gestured around the room . ' I 'm sorry , that 's a very personal question . It 's just that so many of the students I went to school with were children of musicians or came from very musical families . I didn 't . My mother had the radio on one day , and " Dance with Me " was playing . Do you remember that song ? I started singing along with it . Both my mother and my father came running in to see who was singing . I was six at the time . After that , I was trotted out whenever they wanted to amaze people . Whatever was the " top of the pops " that week was my specialty . I was a great hit in Burnham Market . The local choir director persuaded them to take me to a voice teacher in Cambridge when my voice changed and settled . It wasn 't until then that I ever met anyone more skilled than the church pianist . But I was always better than everyone I knew . Everyone thought I was special and raved about my talent . It wasn 't until much later that I found out how much I still had to learn . I can 't imagine what it would have be like to have been . . . ' Harry suddenly pulled himself up short and looked embarrassed . ' It 's an honest question . I was a disappointment to them . Better than average , not without some skills as a piano player , but not great , not at all in their league . I was exposed to a lot of music and know a lot about it . I think I have some understanding and feeling for it , enough to write about music and to teach others about it and to direct musicals . But , no , it was always apparent that I would never have their talents . My father forgave me my shortcomings . My mother has yet to do so . ' ' I have developed a thick hide . I don 't allow that or other things to bother me . Over the years I found that a lack of emotions is sometimes a good defence against those who are supposed to love us . I 'm sorry . That sounds bitter . Well , it is bitter . I should not have spoken so openly . We don 't know each other well enough for me to impose such knowledge on you . ' I forestalled him and changed the subject . ' You are very empathetic , aren 't you ? That must be good for your music but bad for your personal relationships . You see too much . ' Lewis , it was becoming apparent to me , had underestimated Harry . I took the book from the music stand and closed it . ' Here . I will make you a gift of the Wolf . You will get far more use out of it than I . And of course , you may come back . You are welcome at any time . I enjoyed accompanying you . I 'd like to do it again . And I like talking about music . Most people I know socially don 't know enough to really discuss it . ' ' You know , I don 't remember . I don 't think we were ever formally introduced . There was never a " Lewis Quinn , meet Jonathan Spenser . Jonathan Spenser , Lewis Quinn " moment . When Lewis got his job here , he just became part of the group of people I have drinks with in pubs . I don 't know who brought him the first time . He was just there , and everyone liked him . There was one evening we were the only ones left at the table . Maybe everyone else got up to dance or to use the loo , to get another round of drinks . But we started talking , and then we became friends . He didn 't have a car at that time , and I once drove him to his parents ' home . They asked me to stay to lunch , and then Lewis and I walked around a woods near their house for a couple of hours . It was a nice time . We talked a lot that day . ' That was the afternoon I fell in love with Lewis , although I didn 't tell Harry that . At one point , Lewis stopped and stood on the other side of a tree from me . He rested a forearm on a low - lying limb and then placed his chin on his arm . He didn 't say anything for a while . He just looked at me , his eyes gazing at me while I spoke . It was an oddly speculative sort of look . He examined me closely that day . After a while , he remarked that his parents would be wondering what had become of him and that I had better start back before the traffic got bad . We walked to my car . I drove off feeling almost a physical pain from being separated from him . I took the liberty of squeezing Harry 's forearm to reassure him . ' No . I hope you haven 't been worried about that . On that score you have absolutely no reason for concern . We 're just friends , good friends , but that 's all we are - friends . We went to bed once , but that was merely a mutual convenience . A form of joint masturbation . Why did you ask that ? Are you worried about your relationship with Lewis ? ' ' There isn 't a relationship yet . I think both Lewis and I are beginning to want one . But we 're not quite sure yet what kind of relationship it will turn out to be , and we 've been holding back . ' ' I can see that . He 's great fun . People like him a lot . Well , I like him a lot . He makes me happy . He makes me feel good about myself . Plus , he 's very sexy and attractive . It 's been very flattering to have someone like him interested in me . ' ' So what are you worried about then ? Just go for it and hope for the best . In any case , Lewis should be flattered that someone as sexy and attractive and talented as you is interested in him . ' ' Now you 're trying to flatter me . And you mustn 't do that . ' He looked at me rather sadly . ' What worries me is that I 've never really been in love with anyone before . I lived with someone for a few months , but after the first few weeks , it really wasn 't very intense . I liked Paul , but when he got a job in Leeds , we went out for one last , special dinner . We had sex . I don 't think we could say that we were making love by that point . But we both knew how to please the other . After we finished , he packed . And then in the morning he called a taxi and went to the train station . We said we would spend some weekends together , but we never did . We talked on the phone once or twice a week for the first few weeks , but then the time between calls got longer and longer . And now it 's been over a year since I last spoke to him . ' ' Yes . But I don 't know if he wants it or not . And I don 't think I 'm ready to risk a rejection . ' ' Not about you in particular . I know he wants to settle down . He talks about other couples , and he wants something like that . You know , despite his looks and the way he behaves sometimes , I think Lewis will be faithful once he finds someone . Once he decides it 's what he wants , he 'll set his mind on making the relationship work . And what about you ? Do you want a relationship ? Mr Right and all that . ' ' I don 't know . I guess I 'm like everyone else . I want Mr Right . But I also want a career as a serious singer , and you know what that means . Continual travel . Lots of work and hours and hours of practice . Memorizing parts . Especially for a younger singer , you have to go where the jobs are . You don 't have the luxury of picking and choosing the parts . It 's not the best time to form a relationship or keep one going . ' ' This room . Oh , not necessarily this particular room , but a room like this . A friend who can play the piano to accompany me while I sing and knows music so that we can talk about it . And Mr Right . It would be great if the accompanist were Mr Right , but I would settle for separate people . And a cat that likes music . ' ' Well , for now I can provide the room and the accompaniment . You are welcome to avail yourself of either or both at any time . Mr Right , you have to find for yourself . The cat - well good luck on that wish . ' ' He was very grateful to you , you know . When you stepped in and led everyone in singing " Happy Birthday " that night . It was a nice thing to do . ' ' You keep bringing the subject back to Lewis . Are you trying to play matchmaker ? This is really weird . I don 't think I 've ever had a conversation this personal with anyone , let alone someone I 've met only twice before . ' ' We have interests in common . You 're easy to talk with . I tend either to have intense friendships or to interact only on superficial levels . I 'm not good at anything in between . Not interested in them enough to try to be good enough at them , I suppose . And how many meetings does it take for a friendship to become intense ? ' ' I hope you will come back . I meant it when I said I would like to accompany you . You have a wonderful voice . And now unfortunately , I am going to have to chase you out . I 've an appointment up in London tonight , and I have to catch the 4 : 30 train . ' I walked Harry downstairs . As we were saying goodbye at the door , he asked if I had really meant it when I invited him back to sing again . I assured him that he was welcome at any time . I locked the door behind him and then stood in the window to watch him walk away . He had only gone a few steps when he turned around and looked back up at the house . When he saw me standing there , he smiled and waved at me . I didn 't really have an appointment in London . After Harry left , I called an acquaintance who lived in Chelsea and arranged to meet for dinner . I didn 't want to prolong that afternoon with Harry , but I didn 't want my excuse for sending him away to be a total lie either . That would have seemed a betrayal of him . Nor did I want to spend the evening alone . I felt that something new had entered my life , and I wanted to celebrate that , but I didn 't want to celebrate it with Harry . I needed to get out of the house , to get away from the scene of our meeting . The house felt too heavy and pregnant with significance , and suddenly too empty and dismal . I knew that if I stayed there , I would suffocate . I called a hotel near my friend 's flat and booked a room for the night . I needed a place that wasn 't familiar . I felt decidedly odd and I needed to think about that . I hardly slept at all that night . Even with the drapes pulled and the lights off , the hotel room was much brighter than I was used to . The pattern and shape of the light coming through the windows even felt different . It wasn 't as diffused . The corners of the room never became as dark as my bedroom . Then , too , it was noisier . I am accustomed to the sound of the wind blowing through the trees beside my house and in the small park in the centre of the road , but this was a very different sort of noise . The pillows were made of some plastic foam substance . They were too soft and offered no support for my head . Yet when I tried to fold them over to lend them some substance , they became like springs that insisted on returning to their original shape . I ended up lying on one side and holding one of the pillows against my body with my arms around it . I had tossed the duvet to one side . It lay heavily against my back , almost as if a person were cuddled up next to me . I couldn 't stop thinking about Harry . I replayed every second we had spent together , from those few seconds in Capers when Lewis introduced us to our dinner with Peter and Lewis to our meeting earlier . I repeated every word he said , examining it for significance . Had he meant more that the literal words ? Had he put a little bit more stress and emphasis on some words ? Admonitions to myself that I was behaving like an adolescent were of no use . Twenty times that night , I reminded myself that I really needed to get some sleep . But each attempt to clear my mind and relax and go to sleep was quickly interrupted by more thoughts of Harry . I wasn 't even conscious of willing Harry into my thoughts . I would focus on sleeping and then find myself a few seconds later reverting to something Harry had said . The first train back left at 6 : 10 . I was up and dressed and ready to leave the hotel at 4 : 00 . I took a taxi to the station and sat in the twenty - four - hour café there drinking weak stale coffee until it was time to leave . There were two messages on my answering machine when I got home . Harry had called to thank me and to say that he hoped to see me again soon , but that he had to go London for a few days to audition for another role and to rehearse the Mahler . Lewis called to tell me that Harry was going to be away for a few days and asked if we could meet . The machine is in the ground floor hallway next to the stairs . There is never any direct light in that area , and it always feels cold . The voices rang hollow . While they were speaking , I looked up between the flights of stairs . Motes of dust were moving in the beams of light that fell downward from the music room on the third floor . Murphy stuck his head over the edge of the stairs leading to the second floor and looked at me . He disappeared from view . I could hear him descending the stairs . Presently he appeared . He continued down the stairs without stopping and sauntered into the kitchen . I could hear him bumping against the door of the cupboard that held his tins of food . He was hungry . Nothing had changed in my absence . I had hoped that the house would have undergone a metamorphosis , that it would have become a different place . But I returned to the same place I had left . I always do , no matter how often I run away . Posted by |
My mom didn 't have a heart . She 'd given it away to my dad before I was born and when he left , he took it with him . I guess when I was young , I didn 't think about it . She wore high necked clothing to hide the gaping hole and I simply never noticed . People didn 't trust her . They would whisper that she wasn 't fit to have a daughter and I know she sometimes believed it . I couldn 't tell that she was ill , she just seemed less energetic than other people , but that made sense . She didn 't have a husband to share the burden , instead she was both provider and caregiver living two lives in the time allocated for just one . She didn 't tell anyone when the shadow grew . Inky black trails marked her skin around the hole and slowly it started to spread across her skin like new , black veins . I found out when I was about ten years old when she collapsed as she was walking home . When I pulled up her skirt to check for injuries , I saw it - a livid line twisting around her leg . Where it touched , the muscle had withered away . It was eating her . The house became my responsibility . I worked , doing errands around the village in exchange for small kindnesses . We got by . My mom never left her room ; the bed where she lay had a stagnant smell . Sometimes I 'd hear her crying at night . I always found that unfair . She 'd brought it on herself , she was the one who had given away her heart , but I hadn 't asked for any of this . I had to find food for us to live , to clean up after her when she was sick , to keep the house looking ok - and the person who should have taught me how to do all of this , the person who should have hugged me as I cried at night , the person who should have kept me safe , sat in the shadow of her misery doing nothing . " You 're such a good girl , " she said weakly . " I 'm so sorry . " She was crying , but I was tired . I 'd been doing odd jobs for people in the village all day , cleaning gardens or scraping pans in return for a little cash . I was exhausted and just wanted to be on my own , pretending I was nothing . I hated watching other girls my age talk about boys , giggling with their heads bent together . I wanted less than that even ; just to feel normal . Just to have a mother who could give me a hug at the end of the day and to henpeck me into focusing on the task at hand . I would swap ten years of my life to have a mother who berated me for seeing the wrong boy and who turned up to every recital I did . And she was the one crying . " Yes ! I hate this life , I hate always working , and it 's all your fault ! I hate not knowing if we 're going to have enough to eat , I hate hearing you cry all the time . I hate cleaning up your vomit and your shit ! " I turned to face her . " I didn 't ask for any of this , I didn 't ask to be born , I wish I never had been . I hate my life , and I hate you ! " I realised the shadow was in her eyes , crawling through the whites as I watched . I could see the tendrils spreading like smoke until they turned jet black . They looked empty . I left the room and slammed the door behind me . The next day she didn 't eat anything or talk at all - just stared with black eyes at the wall . The shadow had finally started to eat her soul . What if I had killed her ? I hadn 't meant it , not really , or at least not permanently . I 'd only meant it then . I had been tired , but I didn 't mean it now and I wanted my mom back . I didn 't know what to do , so I went to get the doctor . He came when I asked , but he moved slowly . I knew why he was reluctant to help , my mother was a lost cause ; everyone knew that . Still , he took a swig from his hip flask , pulled on a coat that smelt of cider and came to her . He followed the trail of the shadow down her neck and pulled her top down gently . Above her left breast was the hole . Around it was a circle of puckered scar tissue that twisted her skin in a way that made my stomach turn . There was a rib in the hole ; the white bone was the only thing that broke up the black shadow . As we stared , the shadow seemed to move a little , throbbing away in its cavity . That made me hesitate . Mom 's illness meant she couldn 't work , and I had to look after us both . We did not have money . I wore the same clothes day in , day out . We 'd both gone to bed hungry . We wore lots of jumpers so we didn 't have to spend money heating the house . But this was my mother 's life he was talking about : it didn 't matter if it was too much , I had to know and I had to try . " There is a story my mother told me when I was younger than you are now , " he said . " There was once a king who lost his heart to a wicked witch . Like your mom , he was left with a hole , and like your mom , he was going to die . But a clever doctor made the king a heart of gold . Now there 's a lot of myth to this story , yes , but what are fairy tales if not something to preserve knowledge ? Maybe there 's something to it . We could make your mom a heart . " " How much gold was it ? " I asked . Mom had a pair of gold earrings and a gold crucifix , but I doubted that was going to be enough for a heart . I could never afford such a pile of gold . My mom was going to die because I wasn 't as rich as a king . Now her life had a price tag on it and I couldn 't pay . No , I didn 't ! We lived off the charity of others so we never had anything to spare , yet people always seemed to be afraid we were receiving too much . They wondered how much of their money I had ferreted away for some secret selfish purpose . Their charity was not a gift just their expensive absolution . " Perhaps not . I guess we could try other metals , maybe we could try iron … I mean it does rust , but a rusty heart would be better than no heart . If you oiled it and cared for it , an iron heart might suffice . " I mentally compiled all the iron we owned . We had an iron pot , nails and screws , maybe a tool or two . I could find the iron . I took the pot and filled it with every nail we could find out of the house : the nails from the chairs , from the horseshoe above the door ( and the shoe ) and then from the doors and hinges . The doctor took it to a smith . He took my mom 's gold earrings that I 'd stolen as payment . I 'd have given him the cross too , but she always wore that and I didn 't want to to take it from her . The smith melted down the iron and , with the doctors strict supervision , crafted a metal heart . As soon as it had cooled , the doctor delivered it to me himself . He took the heart , and placed it in the hole . Using both hands , he connected it into the veins and flesh that hung there . " This is going to help , " the doctor assured her . But she kept screaming . He squeezed my arm and told me he would pop round in a few days to see how she was doing , and he left . She was still howling in pain when I tried to get to bed that night . I wondered why her throat hadn 't given out yet , wondered why the iron hurt her so much . I prayed she would get better . Mostly though , I prayed she would shut up . She did , in the early hours of the morning . My own heart was pulsating heavily in my chest . I was almost paralysed as I lay in my bed , trying to picture why my mom had stopped . She may have been better , or her throat may have become too sore , or she may have simply dropped off to sleep . Or she may be dead . I could picture her white corpse in the early morning light , black lines marring her flesh , and in her chest a useless piece of iron that had probably killed her . I had killed her . She was sitting up in her bed , staring at the door , waiting for me . I knew she was alive as she smiled when she saw me . Her hands were covered in blood , her fists closed in front of her . She opened her left hand and I saw the metal heart . For the rest of the night , I thought about the story the doctor told me . A king had been fixed with gold , but my mom couldn 't be fixed with iron . There was nothing the doctor could do , but I couldn 't give up now . My mom 's agony showed she 'd at least felt something for those hours . She 'd torn out her new heart rather than feel that intense pain , but maybe that was because of the iron . It was a cold , cruel metal after all . Maybe she needed a heart built of something purer , something worth more than even gold ? If the doctor didn 't know , then maybe the priest might . I managed to sleep then , feeling hope bloom inside me like a strong , safe hug . The next day I went to church . When the priest caught my eye , I wanted to pull away . He had a very flat look to his eyes , too dismissing to be judgemental . It wasn 't that everyone was beneath him , it was more that he knew how horrible he was and thought everyone else was just as twisted and as cruel as him . There was something about it that made you want to wash afterwards . " Father , it 's my mother . " I explained about the shadow in her eyes , about the hole in her chest , about the doctor who 'd failed to save her . Cautiously , I told him what my mother had said , feeling the grime building like a film of oil as his eyes glided over me . " Well child , I hope you have learnt a lesson . Doctors are only ever fumbling with stories and hearsay , repeating things that other people have said works . They are blind and too often try to fix the problem with the body without taking care of the soul . The body is vile and doomed to death and decay . It is our punishment for corrupting the perfect gift of the soul ; to watch ourselves rot whilst we live . " His skin was sallow , his teeth poked out of his gums at odd angles and he stank of sweat and puss . He accepted the rot as his divine punishment and so it clung to him lovingly . " She should never have given away the one God gave her . If she had given her heart to Him entirely , he would have granted her a piece of his perfect one in return , " he said . People were very good at telling me how things could have been ' if only . ' People find it easy to be right when they deal with the theoretical . " It is my place here on earth to tie souls to the fate of God . Your mother is possessed by this shadow . I shall tear it out and fill her with the blood of Jesus instead . " He grabbed a bottle of wine , some bread , and a rosary and I took him to my mom . " Father , what are you doing here ? " my mother said as she smoothed down her hair . He 'd never come to check on her before , but that was OK with her because she thought herself beneath God 's time . After all , any god worth following would know just how disgusting she was inside and so even the most forgiving God would make an exception of her . " Your daughter tells me you plan to commit the worst of sins . The sin of murder . You dare to speak for God and dictate who should live and who should not ? You dare to say God has made a mistake ? " The priest closed his eyes and muttered a prayer . " So be it . I am going to make you a heart out of the blood of Jesus . " He tore off her top , exposing her naked body . The priest pulled the stopper from the wine with his teeth and laughed as he poured it into her mouth and into the hole . I watched the shadow in her eyes grow blacker with each insult . As he spoke , the black coils on her body grew and thickened . The priest 's words poured into her ears and severed the tenuous threads of hope she 'd had that maybe , just maybe , God forgave people like her . The priest had broken that hope . " Get out ! Leave her alone ! Get out ! Get out ! " I threw a jug at him . He glowered at me , his face twisted with hatred . Mom lay on the bed . The sheets were stained red , as if the priest had stabbed her and left her in a pool of blood . She stared at the ceiling , no longer praying . Just . . . fading . Only God could give her a heart . She had given hers away , and a new one couldn 't be built for her , it couldn 't be prayed for . I don 't know how it took me so long to realise there was a way , only one way , I could save my mother . In our life , we only have one thing to give away - our heart . I stood and looked at the face of my imperfect , mortal mother , condemned for having loved the wrong man . I pushed my hand into my chest , forcing my fingers between the gap in my ribs , pushing through the skin and muscle . It was agonising . I felt like I was my mother all those years ago , when she split herself open for my dad . I pushed my finger through the moist , red mess and tore out my heart . I screamed for so long and so loud that time ceased , and that pain stretched back across my entire existence , maiming my childhood and blighting my future . After a bit of time , I have no idea how much or how little , I pulled my hand away and stared at the small fleshy lump beating in the palm of my hand . It was heavier than I thought it 'd be . It looked too big for a child but too small for a woman . It was pleasantly warm , and I liked the way it beat in a steady , reassuring rhythm . I placed my heart in the hole in my mothers chest . The shadow seemed to reach up to take it and the heart vanished into the blackness . Tiredness hit me , the world blurred and a grey fog started to approach the corners of my eyes . I fell asleep . When I woke up , my chest felt lighter . And it hurt a lot . I think it was the pain that woke me . When I opened my eyes I was in bed , and on either side stood the doctor and the priest . I went to sit up . " My daughter , " said my mother . She had been standing just outside of my view , leaning against the back wall of the room , looking out of the door as if watching for death . She moved when she spoke and I saw her . I looked at her face and was delighted to see love , concern , and happiness there . And two bright , blue eyes unblemished by shadows . She reached under her top and pulled out her heart from the hole in her skin and showed it to me . " Thank you , " she said . In her hand was half a heart , half of my heart . She quickly put it back . I reached into the hole in my own chest , the skin around the injury still raw and bleeding . My finger clenched around something small and fragile - the other half . I cried and she hugged me . For the first time in years , she held me safe in her arms and I knew I was loved . * * * The doctor warned us the shadow would come back , for both of us throughout our lives . But the two halves would grow , and maybe , just maybe , we 'd be able to overcome it . After all , when two people are beating with one heart , they always know they are loved . Alice Lawrence Alice Lawrence lives in Manchester UK , with an extensive horror film collection and enough books to build an igloo . This is her first published story and she 'd like to dedicate it to her mother , who never stopped believing in her . Thank you mum . Everyday at a quarter past two , he would arrive . Not a day had he missed . Neither the scorching heat nor the ferocious downpour of rain would deter him from visiting her in the garden . In the midst of cursing the sun for being too harsh on her whilst she waited or protecting her from every raindrop , he would whisper , " I will take you home . But not today , love . You are not ready yet . " She longed for him to take her to this place he called ' home . ' No one cared for her the way he did . His tender care had made her blossom into an exquisitely beautiful entity . He witnessed this everyday . He knew the care that vile man showered upon her was a selfish act . She was nothing more than a decorative trophy to him . Tormented by this question , he decided he would put an end to their rendezvous in the garden . He knew he would never be able to care for her the way that man did , as nature had crippled him . But he was a crafty being . People would say that it was an act of jealousy which had stemmed from his unrequited love for her . But they would be wrong . This was merely an instinct to protect her from that shallow man . Anusha VR is a Chartered Accountant and Company Secretary residing in India . She has a penchant for traveling and reading novels . Her short stories have appeared in several anthologies such as Monsoon Winds , Carol of the Spells , Spectral Book of Horror Stories among others . She wrapped her meager earnings in her veil and tied it in a knot . On her way home , she collected green salt rocks and tucked them in with the paper notes . She ground them in a mortar after dinner and coated a few grains of rice with the powder . Then she soaked a rag in mustard oil , wiped the thresholds of our windows and our hut 's door with it , and sprinkled the green grains over them . One year , the summer stretched out longer than it usually did . Sugandha made more money making extra trips to the well for water but the rigors of her work took a toll on her . She dozed off without touching her dinner of water and rice one evening . When she woke up , she cried out in horror , muttering all kinds of gibberish and knocking over our precious few belongings in search of the mortar . " And you can have a wedding ! " I squealed . " With new clothes and jewellery and food and dancing ! Why would you try to stop her from visiting us ? " Sugandha shook her head , performed the ritual and went to sleep . I lay awake beside her , dreaming about the blue - winged spirit with open eyes . Sugandha could be matched with a rich man for all she knew ; one that would shower us both with presents . Dreams led to dread . What if Sugandha 's deflections angered the spirit and she decided she didn 't want to help us at all ? A speck of silver light broke away from the brightest star overhead . It ballooned and bloomed into a familiar figure . There was a round gray head , a curved red beak and silver wings with a faint bluish hue . It dawned on me that it wasn 't growing , but coming closer , straight at me . Days passed without any signs of a suitor for Sugandha . I wondered if my nighttime encounter was just a dream . I didn 't know if Sugandha knew what I had done . If she did , she didn 't mention it . Cooling winds began kissing our baked skin , and grey clouds shielded our eyes from the sun 's unforgiving rays . Summer drew to an end . With no need for extra water anymore , the Foreman halved Sugandha 's wages . She came back home looking solemn one day and told me to pack my belongings . The Foreman had a sister in the city whose daughter needed a playmate and full - time attendant . She was sending me away . Sugandha 's composure threatened to crack . " What are you doing making such wishes for me ? " she scolded . " The only wish I ever had is that you 'll never see a future as a water bearer . " They had to be defied if we were to see a drop of the dignity we deserved . Defiance would spark anger but , so what ? I had plenty of rage of my own to retaliate with . I knew I had to make my sister 's wish come true . I know better now . Anjum Choudhury Anjum Choudhury grew up around and about South Asia and spent a short period outside the region in the Netherlands . She crossed the Atlantic and earned a Bachelor 's degree in Economics and Mathematics from Mount Holyoke College only to realize she wanted to be a writer . In 2016 , she published the pulp - adventure novella , " A Time to Tour Ghost City . " We picked up our suitcases and headed towards the old house . It was perfect , like something out of a Gothic romance novel , the kind I liked to snuggle up with on rainy October nights . Hank had booked it for our honeymoon , knowing it was my dream to stay in a house like this . I knew he would have preferred a honeymoon in Hawaii or Mexico , where we could have lain on the beach and tanned while we sipped our lemonade and basked in the heat . But I preferred dark , damp places with overgrown plants and creaky floors , and Hank loved giving me what I wanted , especially if it was a surprise . I hadn 't even known exactly where we were going till we stepped off the airplane in Boston . Then , in a frenzy of excitement , I demanded to know what was going on . And Hank had told me , of course . He never could hold out long against me . I smiled to myself . He was going to be like this all week , but I didn 't mind . I knew he was really bursting with pride at having managed to please me so completely . The house was perfect . The rooms were old and drafty , filled with just enough nooks , crannies and secret closets to make me feel like a child exploring her parents ' new home . There were several empty bedrooms that sent delightful little shivers down my spine , with shuttered windows looking out over a windy orchard , overgrown now and looking very spooky in the deepening twilight . There were no light switches in the upstairs bedrooms , only in the kitchen and the dining hall , as if someone had added them as an afterthought . A naked light bulb attached to a cord hung from the bathroom ceiling , and a lamp had been placed in the living room next to the faded sofa that looked to have been covered in deep red velvet in a former life . I gasped at the fireplace , laid in red brick with a tall chimney , and guarded by a tarnished black fire grate . " Don 't worry about that , " he reassured me . " It was a very good deal . Seems not many people wanted to spend the week in a dilapidated old house with no light switches or TV , though why that is , I can 't imagine . " " Are you going to make us sit at opposite ends ? " Hank asked me as I set the candles on the table and lit them . I laughed at him . " Not if you don 't want to . " " Oh , I suppose we have to , don 't we ? " he replied . " But we don 't have to call , right ? Can 't we just shoot them a quick email that says : we 're here , we 're alive , stay out of our business for a week ? " This should be interesting , I thought . I 've never emailed on a time machine . It did have internet access , so I signed in to my email and wrote a group letter to both sets of parents . " Hey , " I wrote . " Flight was smooth . We 're in Boston now , in a great old house Hank booked for us . See you when we get back . " I clicked " reply " and then the screen went black . " Man , " I kicked the computer desk , then sat in the silent darkness for a moment , relishing the stillness . Everything was so quiet , as if a muffler had been placed over the house . I got up , deciding my parents could wait for more news till next week , and headed for the stairs . " They should be . You know how creepy you look standing at the top of the stairs like that , in the dark ? I swear you 're going to turn into a vampire and eat my face off . " " Now , " he said . " The real reason I carried you up here - was so I could have the bathroom first ! " He grinned suddenly and darted into the bathroom , leaving me laughing on the bed . " We could share the bathroom , you know ! " I called out , half - jokingly , to the closed bathroom door . " We are married , after all . " I slid my legs over the side of the bed and stood up , savoring the sound of the branches knocking against the window outside . Deliciously creepy . I crouched down over my suitcase and took the opportunity to subtly check under the bed for monsters . But I needn 't have bothered - there was absolutely nothing under the bed . I wondered if that made me feel just a little disappointed , but I didn 't have time to ponder the question , because at that moment I heard the bathroom door open and saw Hank come out . " Come here , " he whispered with a half - grin , pulling me gently closer to him . It was the universal law of attraction that drew our lips together in the near darkness and when we met , it was a chemical reaction . In the radioactive aftermath , we fell asleep . " Mary Mottleton at the wedding . Just sitting there during the ceremony , next to Fred . The look in her black eyes would have killed a baby . She was so jealous . " " Oh , I know . I can 't help feeling sorry for her . Everyone knows she only married Fred because her family didn 't think she 'd get another proposal . Everyone is so afraid of ending up an old maid . I do not think it would be such an awful thing as everyone makes it out to be … But , still , it is better to be married , of course . " I smiled reluctantly , even though I still felt groggy . Hank 's habit of calling me " Stormcloud " had started one morning when he 'd called me Sunshine , and we 'd both decided the name didn 't fit . Eventually , Hank had settled on a nickname that was more akin to my morning mood . " Let 's stay here , " I said . " I want to explore the house some more . We can always go out tomorrow ; after all , we 're here for a week . " I darted away and crept as quietly as I could up the stairs . The bedroom on the left seemed to beckon to me . I had seen a little closet hidden in the corner of that room the day before , which I thought I could easily squeeze into and manage to elude Hank for a good while . I opened the door and stepped inside . It was tight , but sure enough , I fit . I closed my fingers around the handle and softly closed the door . From downstairs , I could still hear Hank 's voice counting off the numbers , " 17 … 18 … 19 … 20 . " I heard a chair scraping the floor . " Ready or not , here I come ! " I listened to the creaking of the downstairs floor , trying to gauge where he was . Finally , I heard someone coming up the stairs . I held my breath . The footsteps creaked along the hallway and turned aside into the bathroom . For a moment , everything was still . Beside me , someone was breathing . Startled , my heart started racing suddenly , then I calmed myself . Just your imagination , I tried to convince myself . This house is playing tricks on you . I listened as the footsteps padded back up the hall and into the neighboring bedroom . All at once , an unaccountable feeling of panic seized me . What if it 's not Hank who 's looking for me ? I suddenly felt that I did not want to be found , that I must conceal myself , at all costs , until the footsteps retreated . Stop it , I told myself . You 're getting all worked up over nothing . Still , something was wrong . " Found you ! " he exulted . I sprang forward into his arms , squeezing him to me . " Wow , " he said . " I take back what I said before . If this is the prize for winning , I can play hide and seek all day ! " I stepped back , hoping he wouldn 't notice my knees shaking . " Let 's go outside , " I said . He puzzled at me for a moment , then shrugged . " All right . " When we returned to the house , boots coated in mud and wet up to the knees , Hank told me to go upstairs and change . I put on my comfy jeans , woolen socks , and my favorite turtleneck , then looked in the mirror . I smiled ruefully . My hair was a mess , so tossed and tangled in the wind that it looked like birds had built their nests in it . I went into the bathroom , considered for a moment , then tied it back into a ponytail . I 'd mess with it tomorrow . When I came back downstairs , there was a fire crackling merrily in the hearth . I shivered and sat down on the floor in front of it , as close as I could get without scorching my legs . I rubbed my hands together and held them out towards the flames ; it felt wonderful . After a moment Hank came back in , two mugs of steaming chocolate in his hands . He sat down beside me on the floor , handing me one of the cups , which I took gratefully . " Thanks , " I told him after I had taken a sip . " For the fire , and the hot chocolate . It 's wonderful . " I gave him a kiss to show my appreciation . We found some old board games in one of the closets upstairs and sat by the fire pitting our wits against each other at Monopoly for several hours , until I landed on one of Hank 's properties with only 27 dollars to my name . Hank studied my situation . " It 's over ! " I cried melodramatically , tossing my paper money at him . " Take it ! Take it all , you money - hoarding scoundrel ! " I flung my remaining properties at him , then I picked up my two houses from the board and threw them in his face as well . " Want to go out to dinner ? " Hank asked . " I 'm a millionaire now so I can afford it . " He crinkled a $ 500 piece of Monopoly money in his hand . I got up off the floor and ran upstairs to get my coat from the hall closet . When I reached the landing I decided to grab a scarf as well , and darted into the bedroom . I crouched down beside the half - open suitcase that I hadn 't bothered to unpack . Suddenly I stopped . A sudden , unexpected gleam from under the bed had caught my eye . Before I could think about it , I reached my hand out and grabbed hold of what felt like a sturdy wooden pole . I pulled it out from under the bed and sat back with a soft thud . It was an axe . I shook myself and slid the axe back under the bed . It must have been there the night before . I just hadn 't seen it . Maybe it was some bizarre form of home security . Some people keep a gun under their bed . Why not an axe ? Anyway , we weren 't the first people to inhabit this house . The thought suddenly chilled me , and I grabbed my scarf and darted downstairs . " You just don 't understand these things , Fanny . You can 't be polite to a strange man . He 'll take it the wrong way . " " I told you , George , I adore the house . It is so wonderful that you had it built just for me . Everything is so beautiful , and it feels so good to know that it is all mine . " " Yes , yes , but what about the yard ? There are a lot of trees . Of course , I wanted to have them all chopped down before you came , but the house took longer than I thought it would . No matter , though , I 'll have the servants begin chopping them down tomorrow . " " Oh , no , don 't . I hate orchards . There was one behind our house and the neighbor boys used to chase me around in it till they had me cornered . They wouldn 't let me go till I kissed them . It was so dreadfully embarrassing . " The sun was streaming through the open window and a bird was singing loudly . I opened my eyes slowly and sat up . The morning sun cast gentle shadows across the wooden plank floor and over the bed frame . " In a moment , " I called back , sliding the blankets off and standing up with a yawn . Why was I so tired ? I staggered into the bathroom and stared groggily at my reflection . Without looking , I reached down and turned the knob on the sink , hoping the cold water would wake me up . I held my hands under it , still staring at myself in the mirror . The water was warm . It felt … strange . My head pounded . I jumped back from the sink , not knowing what to do with my hands as they dripped onto the floor . The sink kept pouring out blood , splashing against the white bowl and running down into the drain in a steady stream . I felt sick . Footsteps pounded up the stairs and a moment later Hank was standing beside me in the bathroom . " What the … " He reached out and turned off the faucet . The stream of blood thinned and was gone , leaving a red tinge on the previously white sink bowl . " Weird , " Hank observed . He turned to me . " Wait , don 't move , let me get you a rag . " He stuck his head in the shower closet and emerged with a towel , which he held out for me to wipe my hands on . When we returned home late that night , the morning 's incident had almost left my mind . The city of Boston was brimming with life , history , and beauty , and the dilemma over the haunted house had been pushed aside for the present . " Whew , I 'm beat , " Hank exclaimed as we entered through the creaky wooden door and flung ourselves down on the sofa . " Let 's call it a night , what do you say ? " " Sounds fine , " I said . My feet were sore from walking all day , and my eyelids were beginning to droop . A sudden blast of wind knocked the branches of the maple tree against the windows . Whenever Hank was physically uncomfortable , he would use as few words as possible . Though I had often pondered it , I still wasn 't sure why he did this . To conserve energy ? Because he wanted to focus on his miserableness and didn 't have enough brain space to form sentences at the same time ? I stumbled to the base of the stairs and carefully began climbing . I heard Hank getting up off the sofa to follow , and then the floor creaked under his big feet . Finally , I discovered that I was on the landing . " You get in bed , " I said to the darkness . " I 'm going to see if I can find some extra blankets . " My eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness as I cautiously stepped down the hallway and into one of the bedrooms . I found the closet , but there were no blankets in it , so I tried the next room . There was a faint glow coming from the far corner . I couldn 't scream ; I couldn 't even call to Hank . I just stood there , heart pounding against the inside of my chest like a drum mallet . I heard Hank reach the top of the stairs and stumble into the bedroom . There was a heavy creaking as he flung himself onto the bed . Two wild eyes , a thin , tight - lipped mouth , and sallow cheek - bones . She was skeletal and pale white ; long cloth smirched with brown and gray , folded up over the girdle with bony white legs and dirty feet . The sealed lips parted - grinning teeth . It rushed at me . I tried to run but fell instead , knocking my head against the hard floor , legs bending unnaturally beneath me . " Hey , what happened ? " " It 's fine , " he murmured . " Come to bed . We 'll talk about it when you wake up . " He went into the master bedroom . " I had the servants plant those trees just for you , so you could have your own apple orchard . And this is how I am thanked ! It is maddening ! " " Please , listen . I hate those trees ; every day I sit in the kitchen and look out at them , and they just stand there perfectly still , no breeze , and their trunks so solid . I just couldn 't stand it anymore . This morning I looked out at them , and they were laughing at me , and I went to the shed , and I grabbed the axe , and I hacked them all down . " " I think you are sick . It is this house ; it 's too gloomy . I 've put off clearing those trees out front , but I 'll have them cut as soon as possible now . And I 'll call mother ; she can come over every day and sit with you . " I yawned , pushed back my hair , and sat up . Apart from me , the room was empty . A creaking downstairs told me that Hank had been up for a good while . " But I did . It was a woman , in a long dress - I think she was crazy . She was upstairs in one of the bedrooms , looking through a trunk . " He was worried . Well , why shouldn 't he be ? Either there was a ghost in the house he had rented , or his wife was losing her mind . I stared out the side window as trees and buildings rushed by in a flash of green and brown , our momentum slicing through the middle of the landscape like a clean , sharp axe cut . How gratifying it would be to split the world down the middle with one perfect , calculated chop . Though he didn 't say anything , Hank must have been at least a little embarrassed during the tour . I only asked about three questions in every room , questions like , " Is this where she sat to write ? Which window was the one that she used to lower the basket from ? Which is the room she would hide in when guests came over ? " The tour guide was starting to get annoyed by the third room , but I didn 't care . Then the tour was over . I sighed . The cashier emerged and looked a little surprised that we were still there . " I noticed Orchard House is very old , " I said . What a stupid remark . " Do you know how long it 's been around for ? " " I knew I should have booked that flight to Hawaii , " Hank murmured under his breath . We reached the car in silence . Hank opened the door for me and I got in . I waited while he walked around to the other side and got situated behind the steering wheel . He sat there for a moment , not moving . Then he turned to me . " How could I have imagined something like that ? " my voice was rising . " I didn 't even know about the murder , but I saw the ghost of a young woman , in a white dress , and she looked insane . " He sighed again . " You 're right . It would be stupid . " He turned to fix me with serious eyes . " But I don 't want you to be scared . " The house was cold when we came back . I stepped inside the front door and took off my boots . A sudden gust of wind slammed the door shut behind me and I almost fell over . " On our honeymoon ? " I said , though sleeping in the master chamber filled me with a sense of dread I would never admit to him . " Of course not , we 'll sleep in the master bedroom again . It 's the biggest and the most comfortable . " All at once Hank grabbed my hand and lunged forward through the doorway . We ran , not wanting to stop and get stuck again , and jumped onto the bed . Then we ripped off the covers and dove under them . " Her eyes were always so dark , so cold - not like mine : blue as the sky on a winter 's day when the clouds part . Haha ! But the way she looked at me ! Ha ! Haha … ha … Ah . " I sat up slowly , feeling the cold seep into my bones . Slowly , so very slowly , I slid my legs over the side of the bed . Feeling my way , I slid down onto the floor and revolved to face the space under the bed . Listening all the time for the bathroom door , I reached my hand into the utter darkness and pulled out the wooden handle . With the silent , calculated movements of a cat , I sat back on my haunches and rested the axe on my knees . I ran my finger along the handle until I felt the cold metal of the head . Erin J . Kahn loves writing scary stories , but don 't let that fool you : she 's scared of the dark and still checks her bed for monsters . Her Poe - inspired short story " Annabelle Lee " has appeared in the Mighty Quill Books anthology Dead of Winter . In other news , she currently lives in New York City , where she works as a copywriter for a news and entertainment site . She also co - authors a literary and arts reviews blog at woodbtwntheworlds . blogspot . com . Madeline L . Stout started writing when she was a little girl and completed her first full - length novel at the age of 15 . Mostly , she loves creating fantasy worlds filled with beautiful creatures and strong heroines . When her husband insists she takes a break from writing , she enjoys reading and gaming . She started Fantasia Divinity to give back to the writing community and to help spread great stories . Madeline is the author of the children 's series Once Upon a Unicorn . Volume one will be available January 20th , 2017 . |
My mom didn 't have a heart . She 'd given it away to my dad before I was born and when he left , he took it with him . I guess when I was young , I didn 't think about it . She wore high necked clothing to hide the gaping hole and I simply never noticed . People didn 't trust her . They would whisper that she wasn 't fit to have a daughter and I know she sometimes believed it . I couldn 't tell that she was ill , she just seemed less energetic than other people , but that made sense . She didn 't have a husband to share the burden , instead she was both provider and caregiver living two lives in the time allocated for just one . She didn 't tell anyone when the shadow grew . Inky black trails marked her skin around the hole and slowly it started to spread across her skin like new , black veins . I found out when I was about ten years old when she collapsed as she was walking home . When I pulled up her skirt to check for injuries , I saw it - a livid line twisting around her leg . Where it touched , the muscle had withered away . It was eating her . The house became my responsibility . I worked , doing errands around the village in exchange for small kindnesses . We got by . My mom never left her room ; the bed where she lay had a stagnant smell . Sometimes I 'd hear her crying at night . I always found that unfair . She 'd brought it on herself , she was the one who had given away her heart , but I hadn 't asked for any of this . I had to find food for us to live , to clean up after her when she was sick , to keep the house looking ok - and the person who should have taught me how to do all of this , the person who should have hugged me as I cried at night , the person who should have kept me safe , sat in the shadow of her misery doing nothing . " You 're such a good girl , " she said weakly . " I 'm so sorry . " She was crying , but I was tired . I 'd been doing odd jobs for people in the village all day , cleaning gardens or scraping pans in return for a little cash . I was exhausted and just wanted to be on my own , pretending I was nothing . I hated watching other girls my age talk about boys , giggling with their heads bent together . I wanted less than that even ; just to feel normal . Just to have a mother who could give me a hug at the end of the day and to henpeck me into focusing on the task at hand . I would swap ten years of my life to have a mother who berated me for seeing the wrong boy and who turned up to every recital I did . And she was the one crying . " Yes ! I hate this life , I hate always working , and it 's all your fault ! I hate not knowing if we 're going to have enough to eat , I hate hearing you cry all the time . I hate cleaning up your vomit and your shit ! " I turned to face her . " I didn 't ask for any of this , I didn 't ask to be born , I wish I never had been . I hate my life , and I hate you ! " I realised the shadow was in her eyes , crawling through the whites as I watched . I could see the tendrils spreading like smoke until they turned jet black . They looked empty . I left the room and slammed the door behind me . The next day she didn 't eat anything or talk at all - just stared with black eyes at the wall . The shadow had finally started to eat her soul . What if I had killed her ? I hadn 't meant it , not really , or at least not permanently . I 'd only meant it then . I had been tired , but I didn 't mean it now and I wanted my mom back . I didn 't know what to do , so I went to get the doctor . He came when I asked , but he moved slowly . I knew why he was reluctant to help , my mother was a lost cause ; everyone knew that . Still , he took a swig from his hip flask , pulled on a coat that smelt of cider and came to her . He followed the trail of the shadow down her neck and pulled her top down gently . Above her left breast was the hole . Around it was a circle of puckered scar tissue that twisted her skin in a way that made my stomach turn . There was a rib in the hole ; the white bone was the only thing that broke up the black shadow . As we stared , the shadow seemed to move a little , throbbing away in its cavity . That made me hesitate . Mom 's illness meant she couldn 't work , and I had to look after us both . We did not have money . I wore the same clothes day in , day out . We 'd both gone to bed hungry . We wore lots of jumpers so we didn 't have to spend money heating the house . But this was my mother 's life he was talking about : it didn 't matter if it was too much , I had to know and I had to try . " There is a story my mother told me when I was younger than you are now , " he said . " There was once a king who lost his heart to a wicked witch . Like your mom , he was left with a hole , and like your mom , he was going to die . But a clever doctor made the king a heart of gold . Now there 's a lot of myth to this story , yes , but what are fairy tales if not something to preserve knowledge ? Maybe there 's something to it . We could make your mom a heart . " " How much gold was it ? " I asked . Mom had a pair of gold earrings and a gold crucifix , but I doubted that was going to be enough for a heart . I could never afford such a pile of gold . My mom was going to die because I wasn 't as rich as a king . Now her life had a price tag on it and I couldn 't pay . No , I didn 't ! We lived off the charity of others so we never had anything to spare , yet people always seemed to be afraid we were receiving too much . They wondered how much of their money I had ferreted away for some secret selfish purpose . Their charity was not a gift just their expensive absolution . " Perhaps not . I guess we could try other metals , maybe we could try iron … I mean it does rust , but a rusty heart would be better than no heart . If you oiled it and cared for it , an iron heart might suffice . " I mentally compiled all the iron we owned . We had an iron pot , nails and screws , maybe a tool or two . I could find the iron . I took the pot and filled it with every nail we could find out of the house : the nails from the chairs , from the horseshoe above the door ( and the shoe ) and then from the doors and hinges . The doctor took it to a smith . He took my mom 's gold earrings that I 'd stolen as payment . I 'd have given him the cross too , but she always wore that and I didn 't want to to take it from her . The smith melted down the iron and , with the doctors strict supervision , crafted a metal heart . As soon as it had cooled , the doctor delivered it to me himself . He took the heart , and placed it in the hole . Using both hands , he connected it into the veins and flesh that hung there . " This is going to help , " the doctor assured her . But she kept screaming . He squeezed my arm and told me he would pop round in a few days to see how she was doing , and he left . She was still howling in pain when I tried to get to bed that night . I wondered why her throat hadn 't given out yet , wondered why the iron hurt her so much . I prayed she would get better . Mostly though , I prayed she would shut up . She did , in the early hours of the morning . My own heart was pulsating heavily in my chest . I was almost paralysed as I lay in my bed , trying to picture why my mom had stopped . She may have been better , or her throat may have become too sore , or she may have simply dropped off to sleep . Or she may be dead . I could picture her white corpse in the early morning light , black lines marring her flesh , and in her chest a useless piece of iron that had probably killed her . I had killed her . She was sitting up in her bed , staring at the door , waiting for me . I knew she was alive as she smiled when she saw me . Her hands were covered in blood , her fists closed in front of her . She opened her left hand and I saw the metal heart . For the rest of the night , I thought about the story the doctor told me . A king had been fixed with gold , but my mom couldn 't be fixed with iron . There was nothing the doctor could do , but I couldn 't give up now . My mom 's agony showed she 'd at least felt something for those hours . She 'd torn out her new heart rather than feel that intense pain , but maybe that was because of the iron . It was a cold , cruel metal after all . Maybe she needed a heart built of something purer , something worth more than even gold ? If the doctor didn 't know , then maybe the priest might . I managed to sleep then , feeling hope bloom inside me like a strong , safe hug . The next day I went to church . When the priest caught my eye , I wanted to pull away . He had a very flat look to his eyes , too dismissing to be judgemental . It wasn 't that everyone was beneath him , it was more that he knew how horrible he was and thought everyone else was just as twisted and as cruel as him . There was something about it that made you want to wash afterwards . " Father , it 's my mother . " I explained about the shadow in her eyes , about the hole in her chest , about the doctor who 'd failed to save her . Cautiously , I told him what my mother had said , feeling the grime building like a film of oil as his eyes glided over me . " Well child , I hope you have learnt a lesson . Doctors are only ever fumbling with stories and hearsay , repeating things that other people have said works . They are blind and too often try to fix the problem with the body without taking care of the soul . The body is vile and doomed to death and decay . It is our punishment for corrupting the perfect gift of the soul ; to watch ourselves rot whilst we live . " His skin was sallow , his teeth poked out of his gums at odd angles and he stank of sweat and puss . He accepted the rot as his divine punishment and so it clung to him lovingly . " She should never have given away the one God gave her . If she had given her heart to Him entirely , he would have granted her a piece of his perfect one in return , " he said . People were very good at telling me how things could have been ' if only . ' People find it easy to be right when they deal with the theoretical . " It is my place here on earth to tie souls to the fate of God . Your mother is possessed by this shadow . I shall tear it out and fill her with the blood of Jesus instead . " He grabbed a bottle of wine , some bread , and a rosary and I took him to my mom . " Father , what are you doing here ? " my mother said as she smoothed down her hair . He 'd never come to check on her before , but that was OK with her because she thought herself beneath God 's time . After all , any god worth following would know just how disgusting she was inside and so even the most forgiving God would make an exception of her . " Your daughter tells me you plan to commit the worst of sins . The sin of murder . You dare to speak for God and dictate who should live and who should not ? You dare to say God has made a mistake ? " The priest closed his eyes and muttered a prayer . " So be it . I am going to make you a heart out of the blood of Jesus . " He tore off her top , exposing her naked body . The priest pulled the stopper from the wine with his teeth and laughed as he poured it into her mouth and into the hole . I watched the shadow in her eyes grow blacker with each insult . As he spoke , the black coils on her body grew and thickened . The priest 's words poured into her ears and severed the tenuous threads of hope she 'd had that maybe , just maybe , God forgave people like her . The priest had broken that hope . " Get out ! Leave her alone ! Get out ! Get out ! " I threw a jug at him . He glowered at me , his face twisted with hatred . Mom lay on the bed . The sheets were stained red , as if the priest had stabbed her and left her in a pool of blood . She stared at the ceiling , no longer praying . Just . . . fading . Only God could give her a heart . She had given hers away , and a new one couldn 't be built for her , it couldn 't be prayed for . I don 't know how it took me so long to realise there was a way , only one way , I could save my mother . In our life , we only have one thing to give away - our heart . I stood and looked at the face of my imperfect , mortal mother , condemned for having loved the wrong man . I pushed my hand into my chest , forcing my fingers between the gap in my ribs , pushing through the skin and muscle . It was agonising . I felt like I was my mother all those years ago , when she split herself open for my dad . I pushed my finger through the moist , red mess and tore out my heart . I screamed for so long and so loud that time ceased , and that pain stretched back across my entire existence , maiming my childhood and blighting my future . After a bit of time , I have no idea how much or how little , I pulled my hand away and stared at the small fleshy lump beating in the palm of my hand . It was heavier than I thought it 'd be . It looked too big for a child but too small for a woman . It was pleasantly warm , and I liked the way it beat in a steady , reassuring rhythm . I placed my heart in the hole in my mothers chest . The shadow seemed to reach up to take it and the heart vanished into the blackness . Tiredness hit me , the world blurred and a grey fog started to approach the corners of my eyes . I fell asleep . When I woke up , my chest felt lighter . And it hurt a lot . I think it was the pain that woke me . When I opened my eyes I was in bed , and on either side stood the doctor and the priest . I went to sit up . " My daughter , " said my mother . She had been standing just outside of my view , leaning against the back wall of the room , looking out of the door as if watching for death . She moved when she spoke and I saw her . I looked at her face and was delighted to see love , concern , and happiness there . And two bright , blue eyes unblemished by shadows . She reached under her top and pulled out her heart from the hole in her skin and showed it to me . " Thank you , " she said . In her hand was half a heart , half of my heart . She quickly put it back . I reached into the hole in my own chest , the skin around the injury still raw and bleeding . My finger clenched around something small and fragile - the other half . I cried and she hugged me . For the first time in years , she held me safe in her arms and I knew I was loved . * * * The doctor warned us the shadow would come back , for both of us throughout our lives . But the two halves would grow , and maybe , just maybe , we 'd be able to overcome it . After all , when two people are beating with one heart , they always know they are loved . Alice Lawrence Alice Lawrence lives in Manchester UK , with an extensive horror film collection and enough books to build an igloo . This is her first published story and she 'd like to dedicate it to her mother , who never stopped believing in her . Thank you mum . Everyday at a quarter past two , he would arrive . Not a day had he missed . Neither the scorching heat nor the ferocious downpour of rain would deter him from visiting her in the garden . In the midst of cursing the sun for being too harsh on her whilst she waited or protecting her from every raindrop , he would whisper , " I will take you home . But not today , love . You are not ready yet . " She longed for him to take her to this place he called ' home . ' No one cared for her the way he did . His tender care had made her blossom into an exquisitely beautiful entity . He witnessed this everyday . He knew the care that vile man showered upon her was a selfish act . She was nothing more than a decorative trophy to him . Tormented by this question , he decided he would put an end to their rendezvous in the garden . He knew he would never be able to care for her the way that man did , as nature had crippled him . But he was a crafty being . People would say that it was an act of jealousy which had stemmed from his unrequited love for her . But they would be wrong . This was merely an instinct to protect her from that shallow man . Anusha VR is a Chartered Accountant and Company Secretary residing in India . She has a penchant for traveling and reading novels . Her short stories have appeared in several anthologies such as Monsoon Winds , Carol of the Spells , Spectral Book of Horror Stories among others . She wrapped her meager earnings in her veil and tied it in a knot . On her way home , she collected green salt rocks and tucked them in with the paper notes . She ground them in a mortar after dinner and coated a few grains of rice with the powder . Then she soaked a rag in mustard oil , wiped the thresholds of our windows and our hut 's door with it , and sprinkled the green grains over them . One year , the summer stretched out longer than it usually did . Sugandha made more money making extra trips to the well for water but the rigors of her work took a toll on her . She dozed off without touching her dinner of water and rice one evening . When she woke up , she cried out in horror , muttering all kinds of gibberish and knocking over our precious few belongings in search of the mortar . " And you can have a wedding ! " I squealed . " With new clothes and jewellery and food and dancing ! Why would you try to stop her from visiting us ? " Sugandha shook her head , performed the ritual and went to sleep . I lay awake beside her , dreaming about the blue - winged spirit with open eyes . Sugandha could be matched with a rich man for all she knew ; one that would shower us both with presents . Dreams led to dread . What if Sugandha 's deflections angered the spirit and she decided she didn 't want to help us at all ? A speck of silver light broke away from the brightest star overhead . It ballooned and bloomed into a familiar figure . There was a round gray head , a curved red beak and silver wings with a faint bluish hue . It dawned on me that it wasn 't growing , but coming closer , straight at me . Days passed without any signs of a suitor for Sugandha . I wondered if my nighttime encounter was just a dream . I didn 't know if Sugandha knew what I had done . If she did , she didn 't mention it . Cooling winds began kissing our baked skin , and grey clouds shielded our eyes from the sun 's unforgiving rays . Summer drew to an end . With no need for extra water anymore , the Foreman halved Sugandha 's wages . She came back home looking solemn one day and told me to pack my belongings . The Foreman had a sister in the city whose daughter needed a playmate and full - time attendant . She was sending me away . Sugandha 's composure threatened to crack . " What are you doing making such wishes for me ? " she scolded . " The only wish I ever had is that you 'll never see a future as a water bearer . " They had to be defied if we were to see a drop of the dignity we deserved . Defiance would spark anger but , so what ? I had plenty of rage of my own to retaliate with . I knew I had to make my sister 's wish come true . I know better now . Anjum Choudhury Anjum Choudhury grew up around and about South Asia and spent a short period outside the region in the Netherlands . She crossed the Atlantic and earned a Bachelor 's degree in Economics and Mathematics from Mount Holyoke College only to realize she wanted to be a writer . In 2016 , she published the pulp - adventure novella , " A Time to Tour Ghost City . " We picked up our suitcases and headed towards the old house . It was perfect , like something out of a Gothic romance novel , the kind I liked to snuggle up with on rainy October nights . Hank had booked it for our honeymoon , knowing it was my dream to stay in a house like this . I knew he would have preferred a honeymoon in Hawaii or Mexico , where we could have lain on the beach and tanned while we sipped our lemonade and basked in the heat . But I preferred dark , damp places with overgrown plants and creaky floors , and Hank loved giving me what I wanted , especially if it was a surprise . I hadn 't even known exactly where we were going till we stepped off the airplane in Boston . Then , in a frenzy of excitement , I demanded to know what was going on . And Hank had told me , of course . He never could hold out long against me . I smiled to myself . He was going to be like this all week , but I didn 't mind . I knew he was really bursting with pride at having managed to please me so completely . The house was perfect . The rooms were old and drafty , filled with just enough nooks , crannies and secret closets to make me feel like a child exploring her parents ' new home . There were several empty bedrooms that sent delightful little shivers down my spine , with shuttered windows looking out over a windy orchard , overgrown now and looking very spooky in the deepening twilight . There were no light switches in the upstairs bedrooms , only in the kitchen and the dining hall , as if someone had added them as an afterthought . A naked light bulb attached to a cord hung from the bathroom ceiling , and a lamp had been placed in the living room next to the faded sofa that looked to have been covered in deep red velvet in a former life . I gasped at the fireplace , laid in red brick with a tall chimney , and guarded by a tarnished black fire grate . " Don 't worry about that , " he reassured me . " It was a very good deal . Seems not many people wanted to spend the week in a dilapidated old house with no light switches or TV , though why that is , I can 't imagine . " " Are you going to make us sit at opposite ends ? " Hank asked me as I set the candles on the table and lit them . I laughed at him . " Not if you don 't want to . " " Oh , I suppose we have to , don 't we ? " he replied . " But we don 't have to call , right ? Can 't we just shoot them a quick email that says : we 're here , we 're alive , stay out of our business for a week ? " This should be interesting , I thought . I 've never emailed on a time machine . It did have internet access , so I signed in to my email and wrote a group letter to both sets of parents . " Hey , " I wrote . " Flight was smooth . We 're in Boston now , in a great old house Hank booked for us . See you when we get back . " I clicked " reply " and then the screen went black . " Man , " I kicked the computer desk , then sat in the silent darkness for a moment , relishing the stillness . Everything was so quiet , as if a muffler had been placed over the house . I got up , deciding my parents could wait for more news till next week , and headed for the stairs . " They should be . You know how creepy you look standing at the top of the stairs like that , in the dark ? I swear you 're going to turn into a vampire and eat my face off . " " Now , " he said . " The real reason I carried you up here - was so I could have the bathroom first ! " He grinned suddenly and darted into the bathroom , leaving me laughing on the bed . " We could share the bathroom , you know ! " I called out , half - jokingly , to the closed bathroom door . " We are married , after all . " I slid my legs over the side of the bed and stood up , savoring the sound of the branches knocking against the window outside . Deliciously creepy . I crouched down over my suitcase and took the opportunity to subtly check under the bed for monsters . But I needn 't have bothered - there was absolutely nothing under the bed . I wondered if that made me feel just a little disappointed , but I didn 't have time to ponder the question , because at that moment I heard the bathroom door open and saw Hank come out . " Come here , " he whispered with a half - grin , pulling me gently closer to him . It was the universal law of attraction that drew our lips together in the near darkness and when we met , it was a chemical reaction . In the radioactive aftermath , we fell asleep . " Mary Mottleton at the wedding . Just sitting there during the ceremony , next to Fred . The look in her black eyes would have killed a baby . She was so jealous . " " Oh , I know . I can 't help feeling sorry for her . Everyone knows she only married Fred because her family didn 't think she 'd get another proposal . Everyone is so afraid of ending up an old maid . I do not think it would be such an awful thing as everyone makes it out to be … But , still , it is better to be married , of course . " I smiled reluctantly , even though I still felt groggy . Hank 's habit of calling me " Stormcloud " had started one morning when he 'd called me Sunshine , and we 'd both decided the name didn 't fit . Eventually , Hank had settled on a nickname that was more akin to my morning mood . " Let 's stay here , " I said . " I want to explore the house some more . We can always go out tomorrow ; after all , we 're here for a week . " I darted away and crept as quietly as I could up the stairs . The bedroom on the left seemed to beckon to me . I had seen a little closet hidden in the corner of that room the day before , which I thought I could easily squeeze into and manage to elude Hank for a good while . I opened the door and stepped inside . It was tight , but sure enough , I fit . I closed my fingers around the handle and softly closed the door . From downstairs , I could still hear Hank 's voice counting off the numbers , " 17 … 18 … 19 … 20 . " I heard a chair scraping the floor . " Ready or not , here I come ! " I listened to the creaking of the downstairs floor , trying to gauge where he was . Finally , I heard someone coming up the stairs . I held my breath . The footsteps creaked along the hallway and turned aside into the bathroom . For a moment , everything was still . Beside me , someone was breathing . Startled , my heart started racing suddenly , then I calmed myself . Just your imagination , I tried to convince myself . This house is playing tricks on you . I listened as the footsteps padded back up the hall and into the neighboring bedroom . All at once , an unaccountable feeling of panic seized me . What if it 's not Hank who 's looking for me ? I suddenly felt that I did not want to be found , that I must conceal myself , at all costs , until the footsteps retreated . Stop it , I told myself . You 're getting all worked up over nothing . Still , something was wrong . " Found you ! " he exulted . I sprang forward into his arms , squeezing him to me . " Wow , " he said . " I take back what I said before . If this is the prize for winning , I can play hide and seek all day ! " I stepped back , hoping he wouldn 't notice my knees shaking . " Let 's go outside , " I said . He puzzled at me for a moment , then shrugged . " All right . " When we returned to the house , boots coated in mud and wet up to the knees , Hank told me to go upstairs and change . I put on my comfy jeans , woolen socks , and my favorite turtleneck , then looked in the mirror . I smiled ruefully . My hair was a mess , so tossed and tangled in the wind that it looked like birds had built their nests in it . I went into the bathroom , considered for a moment , then tied it back into a ponytail . I 'd mess with it tomorrow . When I came back downstairs , there was a fire crackling merrily in the hearth . I shivered and sat down on the floor in front of it , as close as I could get without scorching my legs . I rubbed my hands together and held them out towards the flames ; it felt wonderful . After a moment Hank came back in , two mugs of steaming chocolate in his hands . He sat down beside me on the floor , handing me one of the cups , which I took gratefully . " Thanks , " I told him after I had taken a sip . " For the fire , and the hot chocolate . It 's wonderful . " I gave him a kiss to show my appreciation . We found some old board games in one of the closets upstairs and sat by the fire pitting our wits against each other at Monopoly for several hours , until I landed on one of Hank 's properties with only 27 dollars to my name . Hank studied my situation . " It 's over ! " I cried melodramatically , tossing my paper money at him . " Take it ! Take it all , you money - hoarding scoundrel ! " I flung my remaining properties at him , then I picked up my two houses from the board and threw them in his face as well . " Want to go out to dinner ? " Hank asked . " I 'm a millionaire now so I can afford it . " He crinkled a $ 500 piece of Monopoly money in his hand . I got up off the floor and ran upstairs to get my coat from the hall closet . When I reached the landing I decided to grab a scarf as well , and darted into the bedroom . I crouched down beside the half - open suitcase that I hadn 't bothered to unpack . Suddenly I stopped . A sudden , unexpected gleam from under the bed had caught my eye . Before I could think about it , I reached my hand out and grabbed hold of what felt like a sturdy wooden pole . I pulled it out from under the bed and sat back with a soft thud . It was an axe . I shook myself and slid the axe back under the bed . It must have been there the night before . I just hadn 't seen it . Maybe it was some bizarre form of home security . Some people keep a gun under their bed . Why not an axe ? Anyway , we weren 't the first people to inhabit this house . The thought suddenly chilled me , and I grabbed my scarf and darted downstairs . " You just don 't understand these things , Fanny . You can 't be polite to a strange man . He 'll take it the wrong way . " " I told you , George , I adore the house . It is so wonderful that you had it built just for me . Everything is so beautiful , and it feels so good to know that it is all mine . " " Yes , yes , but what about the yard ? There are a lot of trees . Of course , I wanted to have them all chopped down before you came , but the house took longer than I thought it would . No matter , though , I 'll have the servants begin chopping them down tomorrow . " " Oh , no , don 't . I hate orchards . There was one behind our house and the neighbor boys used to chase me around in it till they had me cornered . They wouldn 't let me go till I kissed them . It was so dreadfully embarrassing . " The sun was streaming through the open window and a bird was singing loudly . I opened my eyes slowly and sat up . The morning sun cast gentle shadows across the wooden plank floor and over the bed frame . " In a moment , " I called back , sliding the blankets off and standing up with a yawn . Why was I so tired ? I staggered into the bathroom and stared groggily at my reflection . Without looking , I reached down and turned the knob on the sink , hoping the cold water would wake me up . I held my hands under it , still staring at myself in the mirror . The water was warm . It felt … strange . My head pounded . I jumped back from the sink , not knowing what to do with my hands as they dripped onto the floor . The sink kept pouring out blood , splashing against the white bowl and running down into the drain in a steady stream . I felt sick . Footsteps pounded up the stairs and a moment later Hank was standing beside me in the bathroom . " What the … " He reached out and turned off the faucet . The stream of blood thinned and was gone , leaving a red tinge on the previously white sink bowl . " Weird , " Hank observed . He turned to me . " Wait , don 't move , let me get you a rag . " He stuck his head in the shower closet and emerged with a towel , which he held out for me to wipe my hands on . When we returned home late that night , the morning 's incident had almost left my mind . The city of Boston was brimming with life , history , and beauty , and the dilemma over the haunted house had been pushed aside for the present . " Whew , I 'm beat , " Hank exclaimed as we entered through the creaky wooden door and flung ourselves down on the sofa . " Let 's call it a night , what do you say ? " " Sounds fine , " I said . My feet were sore from walking all day , and my eyelids were beginning to droop . A sudden blast of wind knocked the branches of the maple tree against the windows . Whenever Hank was physically uncomfortable , he would use as few words as possible . Though I had often pondered it , I still wasn 't sure why he did this . To conserve energy ? Because he wanted to focus on his miserableness and didn 't have enough brain space to form sentences at the same time ? I stumbled to the base of the stairs and carefully began climbing . I heard Hank getting up off the sofa to follow , and then the floor creaked under his big feet . Finally , I discovered that I was on the landing . " You get in bed , " I said to the darkness . " I 'm going to see if I can find some extra blankets . " My eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness as I cautiously stepped down the hallway and into one of the bedrooms . I found the closet , but there were no blankets in it , so I tried the next room . There was a faint glow coming from the far corner . I couldn 't scream ; I couldn 't even call to Hank . I just stood there , heart pounding against the inside of my chest like a drum mallet . I heard Hank reach the top of the stairs and stumble into the bedroom . There was a heavy creaking as he flung himself onto the bed . Two wild eyes , a thin , tight - lipped mouth , and sallow cheek - bones . She was skeletal and pale white ; long cloth smirched with brown and gray , folded up over the girdle with bony white legs and dirty feet . The sealed lips parted - grinning teeth . It rushed at me . I tried to run but fell instead , knocking my head against the hard floor , legs bending unnaturally beneath me . " Hey , what happened ? " " It 's fine , " he murmured . " Come to bed . We 'll talk about it when you wake up . " He went into the master bedroom . " I had the servants plant those trees just for you , so you could have your own apple orchard . And this is how I am thanked ! It is maddening ! " " Please , listen . I hate those trees ; every day I sit in the kitchen and look out at them , and they just stand there perfectly still , no breeze , and their trunks so solid . I just couldn 't stand it anymore . This morning I looked out at them , and they were laughing at me , and I went to the shed , and I grabbed the axe , and I hacked them all down . " " I think you are sick . It is this house ; it 's too gloomy . I 've put off clearing those trees out front , but I 'll have them cut as soon as possible now . And I 'll call mother ; she can come over every day and sit with you . " I yawned , pushed back my hair , and sat up . Apart from me , the room was empty . A creaking downstairs told me that Hank had been up for a good while . " But I did . It was a woman , in a long dress - I think she was crazy . She was upstairs in one of the bedrooms , looking through a trunk . " He was worried . Well , why shouldn 't he be ? Either there was a ghost in the house he had rented , or his wife was losing her mind . I stared out the side window as trees and buildings rushed by in a flash of green and brown , our momentum slicing through the middle of the landscape like a clean , sharp axe cut . How gratifying it would be to split the world down the middle with one perfect , calculated chop . Though he didn 't say anything , Hank must have been at least a little embarrassed during the tour . I only asked about three questions in every room , questions like , " Is this where she sat to write ? Which window was the one that she used to lower the basket from ? Which is the room she would hide in when guests came over ? " The tour guide was starting to get annoyed by the third room , but I didn 't care . Then the tour was over . I sighed . The cashier emerged and looked a little surprised that we were still there . " I noticed Orchard House is very old , " I said . What a stupid remark . " Do you know how long it 's been around for ? " " I knew I should have booked that flight to Hawaii , " Hank murmured under his breath . We reached the car in silence . Hank opened the door for me and I got in . I waited while he walked around to the other side and got situated behind the steering wheel . He sat there for a moment , not moving . Then he turned to me . " How could I have imagined something like that ? " my voice was rising . " I didn 't even know about the murder , but I saw the ghost of a young woman , in a white dress , and she looked insane . " He sighed again . " You 're right . It would be stupid . " He turned to fix me with serious eyes . " But I don 't want you to be scared . " The house was cold when we came back . I stepped inside the front door and took off my boots . A sudden gust of wind slammed the door shut behind me and I almost fell over . " On our honeymoon ? " I said , though sleeping in the master chamber filled me with a sense of dread I would never admit to him . " Of course not , we 'll sleep in the master bedroom again . It 's the biggest and the most comfortable . " All at once Hank grabbed my hand and lunged forward through the doorway . We ran , not wanting to stop and get stuck again , and jumped onto the bed . Then we ripped off the covers and dove under them . " Her eyes were always so dark , so cold - not like mine : blue as the sky on a winter 's day when the clouds part . Haha ! But the way she looked at me ! Ha ! Haha … ha … Ah . " I sat up slowly , feeling the cold seep into my bones . Slowly , so very slowly , I slid my legs over the side of the bed . Feeling my way , I slid down onto the floor and revolved to face the space under the bed . Listening all the time for the bathroom door , I reached my hand into the utter darkness and pulled out the wooden handle . With the silent , calculated movements of a cat , I sat back on my haunches and rested the axe on my knees . I ran my finger along the handle until I felt the cold metal of the head . Erin J . Kahn loves writing scary stories , but don 't let that fool you : she 's scared of the dark and still checks her bed for monsters . Her Poe - inspired short story " Annabelle Lee " has appeared in the Mighty Quill Books anthology Dead of Winter . In other news , she currently lives in New York City , where she works as a copywriter for a news and entertainment site . She also co - authors a literary and arts reviews blog at woodbtwntheworlds . blogspot . com . Madeline L . Stout started writing when she was a little girl and completed her first full - length novel at the age of 15 . Mostly , she loves creating fantasy worlds filled with beautiful creatures and strong heroines . When her husband insists she takes a break from writing , she enjoys reading and gaming . She started Fantasia Divinity to give back to the writing community and to help spread great stories . Madeline is the author of the children 's series Once Upon a Unicorn . Volume one will be available January 20th , 2017 . |
The girls started winter break with colds . Unfortunately for them , this means that their winter break has been a series of early bed times and lots of medicine . I keep saying , " You cannot be sick . " Some day they will understand why I 've been so nutty about them getting over their illnesses . We have family members with significant health issues on both sides of the family . It would be very bad for them to end up with colds or the flu . I do realize that they can pick - up those germs anywhere , but I don 't want to be the one to spread it during a family Christmas party . Mom has had her share of medical issues the past six months . When she said that she didn 't want to host Christmas at her house , I guess no one was really surprised . Even though hosting it meant just watching us bring all the food and do all the work , she felt it was too much to have everyone at her house . Steve offered his house , so we agreed to move the celebration to his house . In some ways it was really the same . We all brought some food . We stuffed presents under his tree . We laughed a lot and ate way too much . Mom presided over presents from a new location , but it was still her party . We had a two additions to the festivities . Steve has two , gorgeous , full - bred , male German Shepards . At one point the blond twin was sprawled on the kitchen floor petting Buddy . I looked around for Zeus and didn 't see him at first . The second time I tried to find him , I saw his head on the brunette twin 's lap . Zeus was stretched out on the couch with his head in the brunette twin 's lap . Both girls were quite happy . It was funny to see these large dogs cuddling like stuffed animals . I was working when I heard the thump . It sounded like a large snow pack fell from the roof . The problem was that we haven 't had enough snow for that to happen . I looked in the house and didn 't see anything . When I went to put Holly on the tie - up , I saw a dead squirrel on the patio door ledge . I called Daddy and told him that we 'd probably find a dead or injured bird in the yard . I didn 't think a coyote left the squirrel , but I imagined that bird ran into the patio door before it dropped the squirrel . A few hours later I heard a strange sound near the patio doors . I looked out to see a huge bird attacking the squirrel . Holly heard it too and barked . The bird flew to the power lines in the backyard . When I say this bird was big , I mean too big to fit inside our Webber grill . Not that I wanted to cook it , but when I told people how big it was , that was the best way to describe it . The bird went back and forth between the patio door ledge and the wires for a while . I was tired of Holly barking , so I took a shovel to throw away the dead squirrel . The huge bird ( identified as a hawk by friends looking at the picture on social media ) , didn 't stop when I came on the patio . In fact , it just kept eating . I decided my plan wasn 't that wise and went back into the house . The bird finally left when the sun went down . Daddy came home and cleaned up what was left . As he walked into the house , he said there was a blood streak on the patio door . This made sense . A friend told me that she had the same thing happen at her house . She thought the hawks hit their prey against the patio door to stun or kill it . My fear right now is that the hawk thinks our patio is his new lunch table . If it happens again we 'll have to figure out how to change his dining reservation . This was a long , disgusting afternoon . I 'm not anxious to do it again any time soon . The band girls decided to do a Secret Santa gift exchange . They can spend $ 15 and have to bring their gifts to band class on December 22 . I asked the brunette twin how they were sharing gift ideas . She said , " We set up a Google doc so we could all add our gift ideas . This way your Secret Santa can look at what you want without giving it away that she is your Secret Santa . " The girls are what we call " digital natives " when we 're describing their demographic at work . They have never known a world without computers . I doubt it ever occurred to them that there was another way to share information outside of a Google doc . They used their resources to set - up a fun , friendly Secret Santa event . All 15 girls have just a few more days to buy their gifts and get them wrapped . I hope this is the beginning of a new Christmas tradition for these girls . What she doesn 't realize is a bun is basically my way of giving up . We 've had unusually bitter cold weather the past few days . I tried to fix my hair , but decided there was no point since I was just going to spend the day putting on and taking off my hat in between walking Holly . Still , I 'll take the compliment . Posted by Holly was barking like crazy when I heard the crash . Her tail wacked an ornament from the tree . It was a hard , direct hit to one of our glass ornaments . I thought we might get through the season without a broken ornament . We were so close . . . In the nearly 20 years that Daddy and I have been married , he has never willingly held my purse . I mean not for a second without making some crazy " it has cooties " kind of look on his face . You 'd think it was a poisonous object that would kill him . It 's a running joke between us . We 'll be out and I 'll spot some man holding a purse . I point out the man holding the purse every time . I mention that he looks like he is simply holding an object , rather than looking like it 's a bomb about to blow up . Daddy always smirks . We were at the Fifth Third Winter Wonderfest last weekend when the brunette twin tried to hand her father her purse . He looked at her like she was crazy . I didn 't see what she was trying to do , but I did see his face . I said , " What are you doing ? " She replied , " I 'm trying to give Daddy my purse before we go on the Tilt A Whirl . " I laughed and said , " Oh honey , he loves you a lot , but he doesn 't love you that much . " She seemed shocked that he wouldn 't hold her purse . I looked at him and rolled my eyes as he laughed . If nothing else , he is consistent . Our girls have a friend whose cousin is very sick . Spencer had cancer as a young child . He develop lung problems as a complication from the life - saving therapies . Spencer once attended the girls ' school , so everyone has been involved with fundraising , card writing and more . He doesn 't attend the school any more , but it would be hard to tell given how invested everyone has been with his health . This evening I saw a Facebook post from Spencer 's father . He said they received an organ match . The transport was on the way . Spencer would be in surgery shortly . The girls were so excited for Spencer . They couldn 't believe that organs matched . For so long the news was so bad that they had a hard time accepting good news . Of course , the fact that the lungs were on the way was only good news for one family . I don 't think they thought about the entire process . The generosity of one family in the middle of unbelievable grief was about to save Spencer 's life . We didn 't talk about it because I was too tired to start the conversation . Some day they will realize what happened to save Spencer 's life . For now , we 'll take the good news and celebrate , while still thanking the family who made it possible . After some additional conversations with the ENT , our insurance company and many friends , I decided to have my deviated septum fixed . The surgery , November 11 , was uneventful - - if you don 't count the nearly three hour delay . The finally wheeled me into the operating theater about the same time as I should have been going home if my surgery started on time . When I came home I really felt like I had been through a surgical procedure . I was tired , unsteady and a bit out of it . I slept badly as I adjusted to everything going on from my nasal pain to my anesthesia recovery . It all went as expected , though , with one exception . I thought I 'd have some bruising on my face . Maybe I 'd have a black eye or a random nose bruise . I thought there would be some outward sign of my procedure . I was thrilled that , other than some swelling , you couldn 't tell that I had been through surgery . The girls were great for the first few days , but last night left me wishing that I had some visible bruising . The girls don 't understand why I have restricted activities for a few weeks . When they look at me they don 't see any changes . As far as they are concerned , I 'm all back to normal . Of course this isn 't true . Surgery is surgery , even if you don 't see the work the ENT completed . I do have restricted activities for couple of weeks . The girls might not like it , but they are going to have to pick up more household chores until I get better . The fireworks were going off as I crawled into bed . Daddy woke up and said , " You 're kidding ? " No one was kidding . The fireworks celebrated the Chicago Cubs first World Series victory in 108 years . " You 're kidding " could have been everyone 's first thought throughout the World Series . The Cubs lost two games at home . They went into Cleveland behind 3 - 2 . They had to win three straight games to win the World Series . Even the local sportscasters started hedging their comments . They went from solid confidence to comments about how young the team was and how there would be other chances . When the Cubs won the first game in Cleveland we were happy that the team delayed Cleveland 's party . When the Cubs won Game 6 , we started thinking that they might actually win . As Chicagoans , there is always this little doubt when it comes to the Cubs . For 108 years fans waited to celebrate , year after year they were disappointed . It just seemed like this would be another disappointment . Right after school the blond twin asked if Erin and Ayanna could come over to watch Game 7 . The girls started planning their game party . Pizza , of course , would be the main course . They had Halloween candy and roasted pumpkin seeds for snacks . They rearranged the living room furniture so they could all gather around the television . It 's the smaller of our two televisions , but it 's the girls television . I invited them to watch in the family room on the bigger television . They declined . It was more about watching in their own space than seeing it on the big screen . I talked to Grammie before the game started . If my Dad was still alive , November 2 would have been their 59th wedding anniversary . I said it would have been a great anniversary present for Dad . He was one of many Cubs fans who waited his whole life for baseball success . During the World Series run lots of fans wrote notes on Wrigley Field 's Waveland Avenue wall about family members who died before they could watch the Cubs play in the World Series . The notes were touching , funny and sweet . I told Mom I wished I could have written a note for Dad . About 8 : 30 p . m . , Erin 's mom texted to say she was going to pick - up Erin at 9 : 00 p . m . I texted back that the game was in the 5th inning . I offered to bring Erin home at 10 : 00 p . m . since the game was moving along so quickly . I was sure it would be over by then . The Cubs were winning 5 - 3 . It was looking good . Of course , these are the Cubs , so nothing went smoothly . The Indians tied the game in the 8th inning at 6 to 6 . When the 9th inning ended in a tie , I told Erin and Ayanna it was time to go home . It was 11 : 00 p . m . When I walked back into the house the girls were in bed and Daddy was headed there . It started raining in Cleveland . The grounds crew covered the field . Since you never know how long a rain delay will last , Daddy decided it was time to call it a night . I stayed up a bit to clean up and check work . Before I knew it , the tarp was off and the teams were taking the field . The Cubs were up to bat so I settled in to watch . It sounds impossible now , but I was falling asleep . It was 11 : 30 p . m . Even the excitement couldn 't keep me from drifting off during commercials . When the Cubs took a two run lead , I knew I was going to be up until the end . When the game was at the bottom of the 10th with two outs , the ball cracked the bat . Kris Bryant grabbed it and threw it to Anthony Rizzo . Before the ball even got to first base , Bryant was celebrating . I held my breath . These were the Cubs on the precipice of winning the World Series . Surely something would go wrong . Suddenly the Cubs players were celebrating on the pitching mound . The team won after breaking the tie with two runs in the 10th inning , breaking 108 years of disappointment . The celebratory fireworks woke the blond twin . She said she knew the Cubs would win . The brunette twin said she heard the fireworks , but was too tired to wake up enough to talk to us . Daddy summed up the whole night with his " You 're kidding ? " What seemed so impossible was now done . The Cubs won the 2016 World Series . It was time to celebrate and # FlytheW . The brunette twin 's basketball team has been steadily improving . In a short time they have morphed into something resembling a coherent team . Their plays look coordinated and practiced . They cheer each other on like good team mates should . At the beginning of today 's game , the brunette twin took the ball put it into the air . The ball arched towards the basketball net and went in . She scored her first two points . We were thrilled . She smiled and ran to her position . She played the rest of the game smiling . After the game she made sure we all saw her score the first two points of her basketball career . She asked about the details since she hardly remembered scoring the basket . In the game 's rush , the brunette twin didn 't have an opportunity to savor her first two points . Not only did the brunette twin score her first points , the team won the game . We celebrated both victories and crossed our fingers that it was the first of many successes . Brunette Twin : " Nothing . I couldn 't do it . One girl on our team told another girl that she had nice shoes , though . She couldn 't do it either . " The brunette twin tried out for the 7th grade basketball game . It was the first time she tried for anything . She was so thrilled when she made first cuts . When she made second cuts , she couldn 't sleep . She screamed in the morning when she logged and learned she made the team . For the past two weeks it has been all basketball , all the time , in this house . She practices as often as possible . She talks strategy with Daddy . She comes home from basketball practice exhausted and exhilarated . When she made the team , Daddy said , " Well , you can 't teach tall . " He explained that they can teach her basketball skills , but they can 't make her taller . Given that she was both tall and athletic , she made the team despite her complete lack of basketball knowledge . The first home game today wasn 't stellar . The team was overwhelmed by the other team . The visitors had a sharp , organized team . Our girls looked like a team that had only played together for two weeks . Our girls lost big . Still , the brunette twin couldn 't stop talking about the game . She was giddy that she played in her first basketball game . She talked about what went right and what went wrong . She replayed different parts over and over again . Luckily for the brunette twin , the blond twin was suddenly a basketball expert . She was happy to tell her twin everything she did wrong and how to fix it . Eventually they settled into a conversation about the game , rather than a listing of the brunette twin 's flaws . The girls went to the basement immediately after finishing their homework to bounce the basketball and talk about tomorrow 's game . Today 's game was a loss , but they hoped for a win tomorrow . Posted by Blond Twin : " U - n - i - q - u - e . " Mommy : " Really ? You don 't think I know how to spell unique ? " The girls and a friend went to a local nine hole golf course to play a round on a nice , Fall afternoon . When they came out , they had lots of stories . My favorite shows that our little girls are growing up , but they still are little girls . The trio ended up playing between a foursome of high school boys from the local school golf team ( at least that 's what the clubhouse employee told us when we saw the boys ) and another group of boys . Not surprisingly , the boys noticed the trio . Their friend , Anna , is an adorable 12 year old with a huge smile . Our girls haven 't looked their age since they were in single digits . When I tell people they are 13 , people stop as if they have to process the information . The brunette twin is 5 ' 7 " while the blonde twin is 5 ' 5 " . Between their height and they way they hit the golf ball , it 's hard to believe they are only 13 years old . When the boys asked how old the trio was , Anna replied , " I 'm 12 . " They said , " We 're not talking to you . " The boys thought our girls were their age . I tried to explain to our girls that the high school boys were flirting with them . It was an awkward way to start a conversation , but the boys just wanted to talk . The girls were horrified that strange boys wanted to talk to them on the golf course . They just wanted to hang out with their friend and play golf . Despite their grown - up appearance , they are still little girls when it comes to flirting with boys . I only wish it would stay this way . Posted by The brunette twin really committed to being a vegetarian . She has learned to navigate a menu to find a decent meal no matter where we visit . Her friends support her vegetarian lifestyle without comment . At home , though , it 's a different story . We still battle with what constitutes a meal . I was standing at the freezer , moving things here and there , talking to Daddy when I said , " We need a vegetable . " I replied , " Nice try . You cannot just eat one type of vegetable . You need a variety . You are going to eat something besides your vegetarian chicken patty . " The girls turned 13 today . I can hardly believe it , even as I type the 1 and the 3 . The babies we worked so hard to have and wanted so desperately are teenagers . It seems surreal that we are here already . The big party was held a few weeks ago . Uncle Steve hosted a pool party for the girls ' friends and our family . We were a bit worried as it rained all morning . The forecast called for scattered showers throughout the evening . The weather held for the party . The girls invited ten friends for a bar - b - que and night swimming . Uncle Steve has a resort - like backyard . His large , L - shaped pool has a diving board , slide and basketball net . The girls kept themselves busy , only interacting with us when they needed something grilled . Otherwise they all kept themselves busy doing this or that or the other thing . We sat on the deck watching the Cubs game , listening to music and talking . It was a wonderful party . We started this morning with waffles to celebrate the big day . The girls went to school and cross country practice . They came home to a quick dinner followed by golf practice for the brunette twin . The blond twin stayed home to hang out with Erin , who shares their birthday . We ended the day at Grammie 's having ice cream and cupcakes . Grammie was still recovering from her shoulder surgery so we brought the party to her . The girls had a few gifts to open before coming home to do homework . It might have been a landmark birthday , but it was still a school night . One gift had a few pictures from our first night at the hospital . Daddy and I were smiling in every photo . We held a baby in every photo . It seemed like such a long time ago , even as it seemed like just yesterday . I cannot believe that our babies are 13 . It has been a magical journey so far . I can 't wait to see what the next years bring . Posted by For years now I have had a hard time breathing . Given the allergist 's long list of things I should avoid , I wasn 't surprised that it affected my breathing . Add to that the fact that I am a child of smoking 's golden age , when all adults smoked all the time , who could be surprised that I had a hard time breathing . Today I went to a new doctor . I decided it was time to see a new specialist shortly after I finished the antibiotics for yet another sinus infection . After a thorough exam , the ENT said , " How long have you had your deviated septum ? " I replied , " Huh ? My what ? " I knew nothing about a deviated septum other than the jokes about women having facial plastic surgery and claiming the bruises were from deviated septum surgery . I came home and immediately started researching . Sinus infections ? Trouble breathing ? Snoring ? Nose bleeds ? Facial pain ? I have or have had it all . It was as if the Wikipedia entry was written just for me . Now I know why these problems have followed me all these years . My problem has a name , which is just the first step . The second step is deciding what to do . I could just live with it . There 's no long - term issue with a deviated septum . It doesn 't get better ; it doesn 't get worse . I could have surgery to correct it . It 's something I will research once I get over my excitement . Yes , I know it sounds strange , but there was a definite relief feeling when the ENT put a name to my ongoing sinus problems . Posted by Oh , we know they are in the neighborhood . Sometimes we get up in the middle of the night to close the windows because the smell permeates every room . Once in a while my eyes tear up when I open them due to whatever floats in the air after a skunk sprays . My eyes burn because it is so strong . Yet , I kept walking towards the skunk . It dug around in an empty lot across the street from me . Holly kept smelling the grass , never even noticing the skunk . I stared at it like I was staring at a zoo exhibit . It wasn 't until we were directly across the street that I thought , " This is a really stupid idea . " Yep , I made it until I was directly across from the skunk before I thought it was a bad idea to walk by the animal . Holly and I picked up speed as we walked away . Luckily for us the skunk didn 't spray . It scurried into a drain pipe under an abandoned driveway . I was a few houses away when I changed our route back . It was raining lightly so I was going to walk back down the block as quickly as possible . Given how lucky we were that the skunk didn 't spray the first time we walked by , I wasn 't going to that chance twice . I might have been enchanted by the skunk the first time , but I 'd like to think that I wasn 't dumb enough to do the same thing again . Daddy and I both went to the University of Illinois at Urbana - Champaign . We still follow the team during football and basketball seasons . When the girls were little they had Illini cheerleader outfits , which doubled as Halloween costumes one year . It has been a long , long , long time since either of us attended a football game . We 've never attended a home game together , despite our many trips to visit family in the area . We did travel to New Orleans and Pasadena to watch the Fighting Illini lose two bowl games , though . This year our team somehow , some way managed to hire Lovie Smith as our new coach . It was a shocking hire as the Fighting Illini don 't normally reach that high when it comes to head coaches . We 've had some good coaches , but a big - name coach ? In Illini Orange ? We couldn 't believe it when the rumors came true . A few months ago an email showed up offering $ 10 tickets for the first home game . We bought four tickets and started planning . Daddy 's friends had a regular tailgating spot right near Aunt Debbie 's family tailgate . We bought the girls Illini temporary tattoos and Illini t - shirts . We were set . The girls were awed by the circus surrounding the football game . They attended the pre - game Marching Illini concert . They wandered between tailgate parties . They wore their Illini tattoos on their cheeks . We walked to the Armory to watch the Marching Illini parade into the stadium . We spent a lot of time on our walk to and from the Armory talking about college . We passed dorms and class buildings . We walked by Greek houses . They saw students who looked like them and students in crazy clothes . They wanted to know about classes and roommates . We were walking back to the tailgate when they finalized their four - person dorm room plans . The football game itself was exciting for them , even if they needed to have the rules and strategies explained . They were awed by the male cheerleaders doing push - ups every time the Illini scored , although they questioned why the female cheerleaders didn 't do push - ups . They were so excited when the band performed the half - time show . They had more fun than they imagined . After the game we went back to tailgate again . We asked the girls if they wanted to come back for another game . They said they wanted to come to the home opener again so they could do all the same stuff . We said , " Girls , they do this stuff every game . " They were hooked . We told them that we 'd come back to another game soon . Oh , and the Illini won - - and won big . I guess that breaks our streak of bringing bad luck to the team , so we 'll be back . Posted by Since the girls refuse to eat cereal for breakfast , they tend to eat a lot of toast . Usually they have toast with peanut butter and juice or milk . This morning when I came down , the brunette twin looked lost . She held the peanut butter jar in her hand and said , " It 's empty . " I asked if she looked in the pantry or downstairs for more . She said there wasn 't any in the pantry and she didn 't have time to go downstairs . Instead , she took a slice of bread from the package and put butter on it . She ate that while drinking a glass of water . Yes , she had bread , butter and water for breakfast . We had planned to go to Boston this summer , but then we decided we needed to do some house projects . We still wanted to get away for a few days so we started looking for some place within driving distance . We found a cute cabin in Lake Geneva at a reasonable price . We 've spent quite a bit of time up there , so we booked it . After a few discussions , we decided to take Holly with us . It was the first time we tried to vacation with her , so no one knew quite how it would turn out . The drive up to Lake Geneva went well . We stopped at an outlet mall so the girls could do some back to school shopping . About a dozen pairs of shoes later , we headed to Wind Point Lighthouse , perhaps my favorite place to relax . Holly enjoyed both stops . She was happy to be in the car , especially since Holly sat in her usually seat while the blond twin crammed herself into the tiny third row seat near all the luggage . When we arrived at the cabin , Holly was a little nervous . She 's nervous by nature , so we expected her to be nervous in a new place . The owner 's dog and Holly played in his backyard for a while before we took her to the cabin . Holly doesn 't like to walk on hardwood floors . She has fur in between her paw pads courtesy of the Great Pyrenees part of her DNA . She slips and slides a lot on hardwood floors . She stood on the entry throw rug until I threw a beach towel on the floor . She moved into the main room , sniffing all the way . It wasn 't long until the girls and Holly settled into their room to watch the Olympics . Holly stretched out on their bed like she owned the place . Since they let her take up most of the bed , it wasn 't hard to understand why she thought it was her bed . Traveling with Holly meant we had to adapt some of our normal routines . She came with us most places , even though this meant one person had to stand outside with her . When we ate at Gordy 's , we sat across the street at the picnic tables with Holly . We left her at home to eat at Daddy 's Maxwell 's . We were four days into the trip when we went to breakfast without her . She wasn 't happy , but she was settled enough that she didn 't cause any problems . We only had one problem , which came in the middle of our vacation . One of the most beautiful things to do in Lake Geneva is walk the lake shore path . All around Geneva Lake there is a public access path running in front of the beautiful summer homes . When we were at Gordy 's , I decided to walk the lake shore path back to Williams Bay . The sign said it was about two miles . It was a beautiful night . Daddy was taking the girls to the beach . I said we 'd meet them all there . The problem was I forgot to ask Holly if she wanted to walk . Within a few minutes it was clear that Holly was not happy to be separated from Daddy and the girls . She kept trying to pull me up every set of stairs or walkway to get back to them . I kept pulling her back to the shore path , but she wasn 't happy . The water lapping on the shore was soothing to me and terrifying to her . Holly spent the entire time with her ears back , jumping every time there was a strange sound . She didn 't want to cross the bridges or walk on the path . She finally got her wish to go back to Daddy and the girls about a mile into our walk . As I looked down to step onto a bridge , she tried to go up the adjacent stairs . I fell , scraping my leg and bruising my forearm . I tried to continue walking , but a few blocks later I called Daddy to come get us . I was really angry . Holly was so happy to see Daddy . For the rest of the trip she stayed as close to him as possible . She hardly let me hold her leash without getting very nervous . Overall I 'd say our first trip was a success , despite my injuries . I don 't know how much traveling Holly will do , though . The Dalmatian part of her personality is a bit too nervous to enjoy her time away from home . Posted by The phone rang late one evening while we were watching tv . When I answered , the voice said , " Shari , it 's Aunt Bonnie . We 're at Walgreen 's getting your Mom 's medicine . We just came back from the hospital . She 's going to be ok . " I reminded myself to breathe as I asked her what happened . She explained that Mom fell down Aunt Bonnie 's garage stairs . They took Mom to the emergency room . Mom broke her right shoulder . Immediately , I went back two years to the fall when Mom broke her left collarbone . Let 's just say it wasn 't so much fun that we wanted to repeat the experience , but we didn 't get to vote . We knew exactly what needed to be done . Within a few minutes I talked to Dave and Steve . We all had our tasks . We all knew what needed to be done . This time , though , it was going to be a bit harder as Mom broke her right hand , her dominate hand . When she broke her left collarbone she could still perform some tasks with her right hand . Now she was unable to do much with her left hand . She 'll adapt quickly , and so will we . I 'm crossing my fingers that we 're done using this experience , though . Two times is enough . Recently the girls spent the night at Aunt Sue - Sue 's with Brooke . The next night they all stayed at our house . As I was going to bed , we talked about the house rules . The girls giggled and said , " And no baking . " I don 't know what precipitated this rule , but it 's a good one . We added it to our house rules too . If nothing else , it makes the girls laugh every time we say it . Blond twin : " Yeah . We want to hang out but her parents won 't let her until you meet them . When we go to Uncle Steve 's tonight , please talk to her dad . Ask if we can hang out before school starts . " Mom : " I know her dad . I 've known him since he was your age . He was one of Uncle Dave 's best friends growing up . " Mom : " Why do you think Uncle Dave is Brooke 's godfather ? Why do you think they are at Uncle Dave and Aunt Sue - Sue 's house so often ? Did Brooke ask her dad about hanging out here ? " The brunette twin decided a few months ago that she wanted to become a vegetarian . It wasn 't a big surprise as she never ate much meat . There were a few things , like hamburgers and hot dogs , that she would eat so quickly you had to think about whether or not it was ever on her plate . Other things were a struggle . She balked at steak . She tolerated ham . She never considered fish . She asked one day if she could be vegetarian . I told her it was her choice . She could become vegetarian , but she had to keep dairy products and eggs in her diet . I could work with a vegetarian diet , but vegan was a whole level I wasn 't willing to take on . Slowly but surely we 're figuring out how to replace meat with meat substitutes . Some things have been easy . Vegetarianism is so common now that you can find veggie burgers and veggie chicken strips in every grocery store . The first time we looked for these items we went to a specialty store . Once we had a few favorites , we started looking in other grocery stores . From discount grocery stores to mass merchandise retailers , you can find options everywhere . There have been a few bumps . We have to keep track of her trace elements . We 've added a daily multi - vitamin to her morning . We watch to make sure the brunette twin adds some protein to every meal . We try to vary her protein so she 's not just eating peanut butter every day . The hardest part for the brunette twin is eating out . An amusement park trip was hard . She was with her band and wasn 't able to go from place to place looking for vegetarian options . She ate , but she was still hungry . Her default meal is a Caesar 's salad . It 's easy to find , although it 's not a truly balanced meal . As we tell friends and family they are often surprised . Grampa owned a butcher shop . How did his youngest granddaughter decide to eliminate meat from her diet ? Sometimes people wonder what they should feed the brunette twin . It 's a whole lot easier than it seems at first . The biggest problem we have is that the brunette twin doesn 't like a lot of fruits and vegetables . We keep telling her she can 't be a vegetarian who doesn 't like vegetables . We encourage her to keep trying new things as she creates her vegetarian life . It 's an adventure for all of us as we figure out the best ways to support her choice . Posted by As the girls get older , it seems like every activity has more and more paperwork . Lately I 've had the girls sit at the table to fill out as much as they can . Whenever they complain , I remind them that it 's not my job to put pen to paper to fill in the details they already know . They know their names , birth date , address , phone number and emergency contact information . They can answer basic questions about their health . They know their pediatrician 's phone number . There is no reason they can 't be responsible for some of their paperwork . I tell them that if they are going to be more responsible for their lives , they need to understand how much behind - the - scenes work going into their activities . They are pretty good about it , especially when they point out that the people reading the paperwork will probably be happier that their neat handwriting is on the forms . I would have protested , but they are correct . My handwriting is terrible . If that 's what it takes to get them to do the work , I 'll take it . Posted by I was driving the blond twin and Erin home from track camp when Erin started talking about her Mom 's career change . She explained that her Mom was studying math for hours on end . She paused before saying that her Mom wished that she hadn 't quit working when Erin and her sister were born . Or at least she wished that she had gone back to work sooner . We were talking about how hard it is to have just one income these days . Whether or not one person has a good income , jobs are not as stable as they once were . People end up changing jobs for reasons that have nothing to do with their job performance . We talked about how important it was for the girls to think about what they wanted to do since they needed to plan to work for their whole lives . I said that they might take time off when they have a baby , but they should plan to go back to work . The blond twin said , " Why can 't the men stay home ? " I smiled and said , " You are right . The men can stay home too . There 's no rule that says the woman has to stay home . " We then talked about a friend whose Father stays home with her while her Mom worked . Both her parents worked when she was little and then her Father was downsized out of his job . They made a family decision that he would stay home for a while . Now that their friend is a little older , Dad has gone back to work . He was talking about going back to school to change his career . The girls talked about all the things they wanted to do with their careers . They talked about how they would stay home with their babies for a while and their husbands could stay home for a while . It was so enlightening to realize that they live in a world where their futures are limited only by their imaginations . I 'm not naive about anything . I know it 's not as easy as just deciding and making it happen . There will always be obstacles in any plan . The first step , though , is to believe it can happen . I thought for a moment and texted back , " Sure . " It 's not that I really thought we needed fish , but these are carnival gold fish . If they lived a year that would be a long time . She really seemed to want the gold fish , so why not ? After the concert we picked up the girls at a friend 's house . They arrived at Caroline 's house not long before we did . The blond twin was giddy about her new fish . She bounced into the car with two gold fish in plastic bags , a plastic " starter " fish tank and a small container of fish food . We washed the fish tank and put the two fish into the clean water . She promised to take care of the fish and made plans as she went to bed . She woke up with even more plans . Later she told us about a girl at the festival who won a fish , promptly opened the bag so the fish fell to the ground and them stepped on the fish . The blond twin was horrified that the girl killed the fish . She said , " I rescued Thor and Loki so no one would be able to kill them . " She even put " rescued Thor and Loki " on her Random Acts of Kindness chart . She takes her actions very seriously . When she gets on my nerves ( oh , and today has been one of those days ) I want to remember that sweet , compassionate girl who wanted to save two gold fish . It 's that part of her personality that makes us proud of the young adult she 's becoming . Our town has a yearly festival . For $ 40 you can purchase a mega - band , which allows the wearer to go from ride to ride to ride for the full four days the festival is in town . Last year we thought about purchasing a mega - band , but never got around to it . This year we purchased them for both girls . The plan was for them to go to with friends by themselves . It was a step towards independence that they were anxious to take . As we planned the outings , the parents sorted the four nights so someone would be on - site . Of course we weren 't allowed to be seen with the girls , but someone would be there . We hosted two sleepovers , so the girls could continue the fun after the festival . There were girls and blankets and things everywhere . The first night I shut down the party early . Two girls were falling asleep as they told me how much they wanted to stay up all night . The next morning the girls woke up ready to have some fun . The second night I woke up about midnight to a barking dog . The girls decided to watch Life of Pi . Every time Holly saw an animal , she barked . The girls spent four nights hanging out with friends at the festival . They had a great time going on rides and eating junk food . They reveled in their new independence . Next year we 'll drop - off and pick - up without a formal schedule . The girls are already making plans . I walked into the brunette twin 's room to find her jumping on her bed . At this point we 're waiting for her new mattress to be delivered , so her " bed " was just a mattress on the floor . As soon as I saw her , I stopped and stared . On her bed was the " baby " quilt I made her . I never made a traditional baby quilt . I collected t - shirts from the time they were born until about second grade . I cute the most interesting designs and created a twin sized quilt mapping their baby days to early elementary school . Watching her jumping on it nearly stopped my heart . I actually couldn 't speak other than to yell at her to stop jumping . When she stopped I left the room . A while later when I recovered , I went back to her room . I told both girls that when I made their quilts , I wasn 't creating a blanket . I was creating a memory book for them to share with their children . One day I hoped that they would wrap their babies in the quilts and tell them stories about each t - shirt . The brunette twin seemed sad that she jumped on the quilt , but I 'm not sure she really understood my story . She seemed mostly upset that I was upset . Some day I hope they will look at the quilts and realize how much love went into making them . For now I 'll settle for keeping the girls from jumping on them . It 's a small victory that I hope will preserve the quilts for future generations . It was 2 : 30 a . m . when I dragged myself down the stairs into the basement . I found the girls and their friends playing " Beat the Parents " with the music blasting around them . They were laughing so hard they snorted and cried . It was wonderful . We promised them that they could have lots of sleepovers this summer . They started asking nearly as soon as we came back from Spring Break . It was nearly top of their summer activity list . They have been busy with other activities , so sleepovers just rose to the top of the list . The girls and their friends camp out in the basement with their sleeping bags and stuff . They come upstairs when they are hungry or need a bathroom . Otherwise they stay in the basement doing whatever middle school girls do . All we know is there is plenty of laughter floating through the vents . It seems that their sleepover plans are as much fun as they had hoped . I was looking for summer activities when I found the Great American Backyard Camp Out . This program encourages people to spend the night outside . Our Girl Scout troop loved the idea . The girls wanted to go tent camping , but I vetoed the idea . It wasn 't that I didn 't want to do it . The reality was I didn 't have time to complete all the extra training required to take the girls into the local forest preserves for a night . A backyard , though ? We were in . Between us we had everything we needed . One girl had a tent . Another had a screen house . We brought the bean bag game and s ' mores ingredients . Each family brought some food , lots of bug spray and glow - in - the - dark stuff . Jhanae 's father laughed at the idea that the girls thought they were camping in his backyard . He said as long as they had access to indoor plumbing it wasn 't really camping . He trained with the British military , though , so his standards were a big higher than the rest of us . Jhanae 's mother had a full activity schedule which culminated with a midnight movie . By the time the girls arrived they were bubbling with excitement . The build - up to sleeping outside rivaled any championship game . They started by putting up the tent and screen house . We watched them work together before we left them for the evening . The forecast called for a possible shower and sure enough we heard the rain start just before sunrise . It poured off and on for about an hour . When we the girls finally called about 11 : 00 a . m . for their pick - up , we found out that they hadn 't slept much . Of course , we didn 't expect them to sleep . I arrived to hear them in the backyard giggling . Other parents were there already . The girls were an energetic group for girls who hadn 't slept much . They told stories of night swimming , a midnight movie that lasted until 2 : 30 a . m . , waking up early when the rain started and playing games all night long . They had so much fun they couldn 't stop talking over each other . It might not have been deep woods camping , but it was a great experience for all six girls . They already asked if they could do it again next year . We agreed , as long as Jhanae 's parents agreed to host . None of us want to try to live up to their high standards . Posted by If there is one thing we 're good at now , it 's moving furniture . We 've moved tables , desks , cabinets , rugs and other items up and down and back again . So when the four of us moved the brunette twin 's new armoire upstairs we should have been coordinated like a well - oiled machine . Instead we looked like something from a situation comedy . We started and stopped and argued and shifted back and forth . The blond twin screamed when the cabinet pinched her fingers . The brunette twin jumped back just before the top hit her foot . We managed to push the cabinet so far to one side that Daddy was trapped against the wall . Despite it all , the armoire made it upstairs . We pushed it upright at the top and wiggled it into the brunette twin 's room . It went against the wall in a place of honor . I marveled at how we all worked together to get it done . The girls have grown into quite the little assistants . Not only are they able to help , they want to help . The blond twin was quite annoyed that Daddy asked the brunette twin to help before asking her . He thought the brunette twin would want to help because it was her armoire . The blond twin felt left out of the fun . If we were all going to move it upstairs , she wanted to be part of the action . They are still my babies , but they are also growing up to be capable young ladies . It 's a lovely development , even if it takes moving furniture to realize their growth . Among all the whining ( already ) about how bored they are , I reminded the girls that they were on summer vacation . I was still working every day . I told them that I would take them places when I had time , but for the most part my days stay the same . I repeated my first statement and kept driving . She silently fumed as she tried to figure out how to get her way . In the end , I went back to work and she went up to her room . Later she tried to use my words against me in an argument . I just smiled and said , " You 're right baby . " She fumed , but stopped arguing . I savored the momentary parenting win . They don 't come that often after all . The girls have been asking if they can start babysitting , so they were thrilled when a church family asked if they could start watching their twin boys . The girls were so excited to start . We decided that they would be " mother 's helpers " at first . They would watch the boys while their mom was home . Their job was to keep the boys busy so their mom could get some stuff done . They spent their first afternoon with the boys today . As I drove them to L & L 's house , we talked about some ways to keep the boys busy . We talked about what to do in an emergency . Even though Mrs . B was going to be home , the girls wanted to make sure they had all the details . They were so excited that they could hardly contain themselves as they knocked on the front door . L & L were equally excited . Mrs . B said that L asked when his " girlfriends " were coming over many times that morning . The boys couldn 't wait for the girls to come over . I left our girls with the boys , arranged a pick - up time with Mrs . B and headed home . Three hours later I picked up the girls . The boys did not want the girls to leave . They kept trying to get the girls to play one more game . They hugged the girls like they didn 't want to let go . It was clear that things had gone well . Mrs . B paid the girls and asked when they were going to come back . The girls couldn 't stop talking about their first day babysitting . It was a great way to start their working career . The brunette twin asked for her own room just before their 12th birthday . It took us a full year to convince the blond twin that it was a good idea . So , you can imagine our surprised reaction when the blond twin announced at dinner that she needed her privacy and her twin should bothering her . Being the good mom that I am , I laughed at her . The blond twin is a girl who can 't sit near you when you watch a movie . She has to touch you at all times . When we bought the girls ' bunk beds , we bought one with a double bed on the bottom because the blond twin always wanted to sleep with her twin . We often said the brunette twin should give Holly an extra treat daily as the dog slept with the blond twin most nights . This gave the brunette twin some space to herself . When the blond twin announced that she needed some space from the brunette twin , I secretly cheered . I adore how close they are , but I did worry that the blond twin 's need to be with her twin at all times would create problems for their relationship . As they grew it was more and more apparent that the brunette twin needed more down time than her sister . This caused some problems that they seemed to work out , but it was always clear that the brunette twin would have preferred a bit more time on the couch reading . The blond twin announcing that she wanted some space from her sister was a huge step for both of them . Now that they have their own spaces they are working out a new balance to their relationship . It 's great to see them grow their own wings , while still staying connected . Posted by Just before school let out we started finalizing the girls ' summer plans . We had to wait on a few school camp details before we could figure out what was happening when . Aunt Mary talked about having the girls come down to her house for a few days when we saw her during the band 's St . Louis trip . Aunt Mary jumped on the idea . We decided to meet at Ott 's for one final family meal before the original owner retired . We sat at the counter ( truly the best place to sit ) and when we finished lunch , the girls got into Aunt Mary 's new car and took off with Uncle Terry driving . By the time Daddy met them all in Springfield for the return hand - off , the girls had been spoiled , spoiled , spoiled by Aunt Mary and Uncle Terry . They went to Six Flags , ice skating , the movies and shopping . In true form , the girls wore their Chicago Blackhawks t - shirts while ice skating . They couldn 't resist the opportunity to troll St . Louis Blues fans . They had eaten way more fun foods than anyone would admit . They couldn 't stop talking about the cats . They had a wonderful time . I don 't know what the rest of the summer will bring , but visiting Aunt Mary and Uncle Terry will be a highlight . They are already talking about next year 's adventure . Posted by The renovation process is starting to take its toll . We 're tired of living in a used furniture store . We 're tired of figuring out what to do with the furniture we 're replacing . We 're tired of getting ready to really get the project underway . We were headed to a Girl Scout community service project when I yelled upstairs for the blond twin . The rest of the troop was waiting in our foyer . She was still getting ready . I said , " It 's time to go . Get down here . " She came down with her vest on , but no socks . I said , " You need socks . " She replied , " I cannot find my socks . " I hugged her and said , " You can wear my socks . " While we work to get rid of the furniture we don 't need and acquire the furniture we do , the girls ' stuff is in baskets and drawers all over the house . The blond twin 's stuff is in drawers in the living room and her laundry basket in her current bedroom . Later that day both girls packed a suitcase to go to Aunt Mary and Uncle Terry 's for a few days , they went from place to place looking for clothes . They started talking to themselves . " Where did I put my t - shirts ? " " Why can 't I find my pajamas ? " Eventually they managed to pack their suitcases . The good news is that when they come back their rooms will be ready for them to completely unpack the baskets and settle in . I know we can 't wait . I 'm sure they are just as ready . The big one was to DIY her furniture . She had a color scheme in mind . We searched garage sales , second hand stores and online sites until we found a cabinet for her room . It was an old armoire with some wear and tear . It was perfect for a DIY , furniture paining project . Yesterday she primed the armoire . She plotted her color scheme over and over again . She woke up this morning and spent most of the day painting in the garage . Some colors required two coats while others required three . She was meticulous , even using a cotton swab to paint corners . When she was done , it was beautiful . Uncle Dave came over to help move the old dresser down the stairs . The first thing he said when he saw her armoire was " Wow , it 's beautiful . " The second thing he said was " I don 't think it will fit up your staircase . " I nearly cried . Of all the things we thought about when it came to picking furniture , the size wasn 't on the list . We did a quick once - over when we saw things to decide if it would work or not . We did not measure anything . It would have fit up most staircases without a problem . Ours has a sharp turn as you go up . The first two stairs face South . The rest of the staircase heads East . We have had problems with the turn before . When we bought our Queen bed box springs we found a company that made one that came in two pieces . The manager told us it was a common problem in older houses . Uncle Dave was right . It did not fit up the stairs . He tried to get it into the basement , but it wouldn 't go down those stairs either . I was so upset . I couldn 't look at the brunette twin for fear I would cry , which was fine because she stared straight at the television , not reacting at all . She wouldn 't make eye contact with anyone . After Uncle Dave and Josh left , we watched the end of the movie . She sat next to me , saying over and over again that she wasn 't going to paint any more furniture . She said she was so proud of her work . It was her design and hers alone . My eyes welled up as I held her , but I managed not to cry . If she wasn 't going to cry , neither was I . About 30 minutes after she went to bed , the brunette twin came downstairs in tears . All her frustration and anger came out in a tear tidal wave . She cried until she was dry . We talked about finding a replacement for her next DIY project , but she wasn 't quite ready to discuss it yet . She was still mourning today 's lost project . Tomorrow might be better , but I 'd bet it will take a few days until she really wants to consider another project . When we get there , you can be certain it will be with a tape measure in hand . I won 't repeat my stupid mistake twice . The blond twin was so excited when she brought home the French horn . She couldn 't wait to try out the new instrument . Both girls went into the basement . A few minutes later I heard the French horn . A few minutes after that the brunette twin came up holding the French horn and announced that she was going to play it . The blond twin tried , but her braces made it hard to blow into the instrument . The brunette twin tried and fell in love . I mean she was head over heels for the French horn . I emailed their band teacher to ask her if the brunette twin could change instruments . She wasn 't thrilled as the brunette twin was a flute MVP this year . On the other hand , she really needed a French horn player . Rumor had it that the current French horn player was not a good player and was thinking about dropping out . The following days were filled with back and forth about the blond twin 's instrument . At one point she was moving to flute , which made me happy because we already own a flute . Their music teacher didn 't want her to move to flute as there were already ten flute players in the band . We went through multiple options before the blond twin and her teacher settled on trombone . In a few days we went from a flute and a clarinet to a French horn and a trombone . My head was spinning . The school gave us a French horn to use while the brunette twin played it . We need to trade in the clarinet for a trombone so the blond twin can learn it . I 'm hesitating , though , until the last school day . The way our musical merry - go - round has been spinning , we might end up with different instruments before school ends . The brunette twin won an MVP award at the band banquet . Her teacher commented on her hard work and progress when it comes to playing flute . She put the trophy on her dresser . She has been playing her flute regularly , often with a friend , to perfect her skills . She earned that MVP award . Imagine my surprise , then , when we were driving to piano practice and she announced , " I might change to the piccolo . " We talked about it for a few minutes . It turned out that her teacher ask two girls to consider changing to piccolo . You had to be good at flute as the instruments are similar . A few days later the blond twin announced that their band teacher asked her to consider changing to French horn . Their band teacher knew that she blond twin wasn 't really happy playing clarinet . The blond twin came home and started researching the French horn by watching YouTube videos . She decided she did want to try out to play the instrument . When Daddy and I talked about the changes , I did remind him that these instrument changes were happening just after we paid off the flute and clarinet . We were the proud owners of two instruments the girls might no longer need . We called the store recommended to us when we researched their flute and clarinet . Because the owners have been working with the local schools for decades , they shared some information that made us smile . If the girls switched instruments , the school will provide a piccolo and French horn . The school recognized that these are expensive instruments , so they don 't ask parents to purchase them . Just like that we stopped wondering how we were going to pay for two new instruments . The blond twin will decide if she 's going to change this week . The brunette twin won 't know until after summer band camp . In any case , it 's sure to be a noisy summer as the girls practice their instruments - - whether the new or the old . The girls came home with a birthday party invitation recently . Their friend 's party was on the same day as the brunette twin was supposed to go to see a musical production with the school choir . The brunette twin was mad . She really wanted to go to the party . I told her that she already committed to the school choir outing , so she was going to that . Then the blond twin pulled an Ace card . She said , " Mom , there are only a few girls coming . " It is one thing about having twins that I didn 't think about until they started going to birthday parties . Often parents will call to ask if the girls are both available on a certain date . They are planning a party for just a few kids . Our girls are often half the group invited . I thought that this was something that would change as they grew older , but just a couple weeks ago a friend 's mom called to check on a date and time . She was only planning to invite four girls . I talked to the brunette twin about commitments and why we might change this one . We contacted the choir teacher who said she could find other students to use the musical tickets . We called Heather 's mom to let her know both girls would be at the party . I 'm always conflicted when this happens . On the one hand I do think that once you make a commitment , you stick with it even when something better comes along . On the other hand , I 've heard enough stories about kids ' birthday parties where no one shows up that I don 't want to contribute to another one . It 's a balancing act that I hope we 're getting right , even when I 'm not sure which way is the right way . The girls are in track this year . The blond twin ran cross - country last Fall and loved it . She couldn 't wait for track to start this Spring . The brunette twin joined when she realized that many of her friends were joining . While the brunette twin enjoys track , the blond twin is obsessed with it . She comes home every day with story after story after story about her track adventures . She replays every moment of practice over and over and over again . Sometimes I ask her if anything else happened at school . After all , she is in the classroom for six hours a day . Most days she cannot recall a single event to share . Track , however , is an endless story source . She talks about it to the point where we have to limit track talk at the dinner table . If we do not put a limit on it , no one else will get a word in during the entire meal . I admit that her track obsession amazes me . I never thought she would enjoy track as much as she does . It 's wonderful to see her develop her own interests and pursue them , even if we have to hear the same stories about them over and over and over again . As the girls get older , they want to make more plans with friends . We have a pretty good idea of what their summer schedule looks like already , so we decided to have them put their activities into their devices . I told them that they would be able to look at their calendars to see if they were available or not before they made plans . Daddy was going to put the same information in his work calendar so he would know what was happening too . In my mind we 'd sit at the table , share information and leave . It wasn 't like they didn 't know they had these activities on the summer calendar . We discussed everything with them before committing . In reality , it was a whine - fest from nearly the moment we started . We made it two weeks into summer when they started complaining . Why does that start so early ? I don 't want to have two things on one day ? What do you mean it goes for two weeks ? They rolled their eyes , hit the table and sighed . It was miserable . I was so angry that I started using the measured , mechanical voice to impart information . At one point the blond twin told me to stop talking that way . She said she didn 't know why I was mad as it was their summer being ruined . Seriously , I couldn 't believe what was happening . I told the girls that they had 24 hours to tell me what activities to cancel or they had to stop complaining . Neither one wanted to cancel anything . At one point I thought I would lose my mind . They were whining like we were sending them to work underground in the coal mines for the summer . I realize this is a tween phase , but I despise it . The girls are not that busy this coming summer . They said they wanted more time just to hang out with friends , so that is what they have . There are weeks when they only have one activity scheduled for the entire week . The fun begins in three weeks as their last day of school is just before Memorial Day Weekend . I already know that we won 't be far into summer before they start complaining that they are bored . The good news is they have their schedule , so I can simply say , " Make plans with someone . " It 's sure to be my go - to line this summer . Posted by The blond twin came home last week so excited about a speech project . She and her partner were giving a demonstration speech . They decided to teach the class to make a goey paste , which they could change dramatically based upon a few tweaks . Yesterday I asked the blond twin about her project . She said they hadn 't done it - - again . I asked her why . She said , " We don 't have any corn starch . Her mom said she wouldn 't buy any for the assignment . " I stared at the wall for a minute until the urge to say , " Are you kidding me ? " passed . I managed to suppress my true opinion of that parent and say , " How much do you need ? " I could not believe a week had gone by before I found out that the other parent wasn 't going to buy the corn starch . Every day I asked the blond twin about the project . Either this was a new development or she just didn 't want to tell me earlier . In the end it didn 't matter because if the blond twin was going to complete her assignment , we were going to purchase the corn starch . At dinner I told Daddy that I would run to the store for corn starch . As long as I was going , we made a short list . I grabbed my purse and headed out . I don 't go to the grocery store often . Daddy does most of the grocery shopping as he has created a great system . I shop at a couple of specialty stores , but when it comes to ongoing grocery shopping , Daddy handles it . When I walked into the grocery store I barely made it through the produce section without finding new items . I was tempted to buy a few , but instead wrote down the names so I could figure out how to use them . I made it home with several bags filled with future meal ingredients and a gallon of milk . We had milk and warm cookies as a snack before sending the girls to bed . Daddy and I were on the couch watching a show when he said , " Where is the corn starch ? " My eyes went wide and he said , " You forgot . " In my defense , I reminded him that I did bring home the milk . After our show he went to the grocery store to get the corn starch . This morning I reminded the blond twin to take the corn starch . She put her backpack right next to it . About 30 minutes later I yelled up the stairs , " Girls , it is 7 : 15 . The bus comes at 7 : 17 . What are you doing up there ? " The brunette twin said , " Fixing our hair . " I said , " Remember , if you miss the bus , you are walking . " They ran downstairs , grabbed all their stuff and ran out the door . A friend recently had to walk to school after missing her bus . Since then , they take the " you will walk to school " threat very seriously . A few minutes later I was putting on my shoes when I glanced over and saw the corn starch . I simply sighed . I grabbed Holly 's leash , the corn starch and my car keys . A few minutes later I handed the corn starch to the school receptionist . I sat in the car texting the blond twin about the corn starch . She replied that she would get it . The irony , of course , was that I ended up at the school delivering the corn starch . I told the girls I would not take them to school , but I ended up there anyway . I hope the blond twin 's demonstration speech goes well . It was the most work of any assignment so far this year . |
Many years ago , many more now than it seems , America was swept up by invention . Everyone was looking for new things to manufacture , or for better ways to manufacture what they had . Yes , it was an exciting time , full of competition and partnership , feast and famine . Among the residents was a family who lived in New York . They were a family of twelve , packed into a house of two rooms , but they had what they needed and were happy . Among their children were two boys , Jeff and Skip . These two were only about a year apart , but were as different as night and day . Skip was an entrepreneur from the moment he had services to sell . He was very industrious and never seemed to stop working . Jeff , on the other hand , was a loafer . Wherever there was work to be done , you could find Jeff as far from it as he could be . Jeff could not always get away from work , what with his family being so large and needing to get so much done . As part of their chores , Skip and Jeff were asked to make the family peanut butter . Now , back then people didn 't just run to the store to buy their peanut butter like we do today , not the poor ones anyway , so it was the job of Jeff and Skip to make the peanut butter . They were to mix the ingredients , and then , by hand , smash every single peanut until it was a creamy goop that could be spread easily on to toast or apples , or whatever else goes well with peanut butter . You would think that Skip would be a little put off to have such a lazy partner , but you 'd be wrong . Skip loved peanut butter , and prided himself on coming up with one of the best recipes for it anyone had ever seen , in the neighborhood at least , and focused very hard on getting the right consistency of goop that would be the very best for eating . The fact that Jeff only helped a little didn 't even phase him . One day , a Tuesday as fate would have it , Jeff and Skip were making peanut butter ( well , to be accurate , Skip was making peanut butter and Jeff was taking a nap ) , when Skip suddenly remembered he had to go and paint a fence across town . He left the peanut butter to Jeff and went running . Not wanting to do more than he absolutely had to , Jeff sneaked out of the room and went to play with his friends . Both boys came home at just about the same time to see their mother taking a big spoonful of their half done peanut butter . Skip cried out in protest , but it was too late , that big wad of goopy stickiness had already past the lips , teeth , and gums . And so the rivalry was set . Jeff started making his own batch of peanut butter , or it should be said that he made Skip 's peanut butter and was too lazy to mash all the peanuts , and Skip made his own batch , and the two of them started selling the excess to people in their neighborhood . Jeff , because he made his peanut butter so sloppily , was able to pull off an order faster than any other peanut butter maker around , so people started calling him Jif , because he made his peanut butter in a ' jif . ' Skip could be seen running to make deliveries as fast as his little legs would carry him , so people started calling him Skippy . The two grew up to own their own peanut butter franchises . We know them now as Skippy and JIF . Jif made crunchy peanut butter while Skippy made creamy . After the incident with their mother , Jeff coined the well - known phrase " Choosy moms choose JIF . " To which , Skip tried to coin , " Moms who choose one child over another because of their swagger and good looks choose JIF . " Needless to say , Skip 's didn 't catch on real well , though neither are all together true . I 'm sure there are plenty of mothers who love all their children equally , and who let those children eat whatever they want , who also choose JIF , but whatever . The years went on and both Skip and Jeff passed away , selling their companies and leaving a great deal of money to their families . In their absence , savvy businessmen with no knowledge of the feud , realized that half of people like crunchy , and half like creamy , so they started making both . I 'm sure Skip is spinning in his grave . I doubt Jeff is , he was a lazy ass . Moral of the story : I am a creamy peanut butter lover , and people who like crunchy peanut butter often ask us creamy loving folk why we love creamy , to which we usually reply that we just think it tastes better , to which they have a witty comeback that goes something like , " Whatever it does . Crunchy tastes SO much better . " Which , how can you dispute that logic . But , if we were to dig a little deeper , I think we would find the true reason that we like creamy : We don 't like shoddy workmanship , and we know that crunchy is really just a half - assed attempt at peanut butter . Now , some of you will disagree . But , let 's look at the evidence . When someone does a sorry job , don 't they usually try to cover it up in some way , and then make smart people look dumb when the half done job is pointed out ? Look at what has happened to crunchy peanut butter . The companies want to do even less work , so they leave even more peanuts in , and to cover their laziness and keep us intelligent creamy lovers quiet , they name it EXTREME peanut butter , as if anyone who eats anything else is a wuss . Once again , smart people get bullied into silence . Of course , I 'm not saying that you have to like creamy peanut butter . By all means , eat crunchy , or chunky , or whatever it is you like to call it , just please , for all of us , stay out of the quality assurance industry , because you obviously don 't know how to do it . Have a nice day . * This story really has nothing to do with real events . We could say that any likeness to real events are coincidental , but that would imply that the writer actually did research , and tried to not make them be . What really needs to be said is that any likeness to real events are cause by sloth on the part of the writer , who didn 't feel like doing research . Really , I 'm sure this note was only needed by crunchy peanut butter lovers . . . Hey everyone ! I 'm going to wager a Buffalo Nickel ( a fairly rare U . S . coin ) that unless you are one of my facebook friends you thought that I didn 't blog on Thursday and Friday because I was telling my wife to keep breathing , and because I was taking care of a newborn . I might even go so far as to bet that you thought I was losing my mind because said newborn wouldn 't fall asleep . And you know what ? I 'd win that bet because on Thursday I was helping my buddy move and on Friday I was at a midwife 's appointment where my wife 's cervix was checked , we were told she 'd have a no stress test in a few days , and the topic of induction never came up . That 's right people , we are six days over the due date , and I 'm not to prideful to tell you that I 'm step closer to the edge , and I 'm about to break ( obscure Linkin Park reference anyone ? ) . I remember reading the What to Expect book about not getting too set on the ' due date ' because it never happened on that date and to think about it as more of a ballpark , and I also remember thinking how pathetic someone would have to be to get themselves set on that date , because we all know that babies come early , and babies come late . Well , I 'm pathetic . Maybe my hear wasn 't set on the Summer Solstice exactly , but I thought within the week might be nice . Oh , who am I kidding , I started losing it on two days late . And then , because I 'm part of my paternal family , I start to worry . We have a confirmed worry gene . . . well almost confirmed . I start thinking about umbilical cords , and amniotic fluid , and big babies coming out of small mommies , and I start Googling what the risks are of inducing , but all I can find are sites trying to calm parents whose doctors want to induce early . * deep breath * So , now my mind won 't stop having a make believe argument with the midwife about how the risks of not inducing greatly outweigh the risks of keeping the baby in longer , while refuting each of the few risks I 've found on the internet , while trying to hide from her that part of my reasons for having said argument aren 't because I fear for my wife 's and the child 's safety , but because I 'm really just anxious about getting the baby into the living , breathing part of life . Though the safety stuff is really a big part of it . maybe , eighty percent safety , twenty percent inpatient . Anyway , the non - stress test is tomorrow , I may just have that argument then . On the bright side , the place where we bought Mass Effect had a really good deal , so we bought Prince of Persia also ( the one where you have the claw hand ) , and both games are off the hook ( Vinny , that street slang was for you , and AC , the video games were for you ) . Have a nice day . Why do bad things happen in groups ? Well , I shouldn 't say bad . What happened was really just par for the course ( yep , a little Buddhism coming your way ) . We own a toilet , so it would make sense that said toilet would eventually break . We actually haven 't been able to use it for a couple of week because I 've been too busy / tired / lazy to fix it , and we have another , so there wasn 't a lot of pressure to do it . I fixed it pretty quickly , because the guy at Home Depot didn 't give us good info on how to reinstall toilets after installing tile ( for the record , the ' extender kits ' do not actually work , you just have to get three or four wax rings and play a stacking game ) . So , that went quickly enough . After fixing said toilet , I put the towels I 'd used in the washing machine and went to lay down for a bit , when my wife suddenly yelled that the washing machine was leaking . Sure enough , there was a puddle of water under the machine as it rhythmically bumped away . So , I quickly turned it off and called for towels as I tried to assess the problem . The hose where the water leaves had come loose , so , like an idiot , I pulled it out . Here 's a physics question for your final exam : Does gravity move gallons of water to a lower or higher geographical position ? If you said lower , you 'll know what happened when I pulled that hose from the bottom of my washing machine . I don 't know if I 've ever called for a bucket or tried to stop a hole with a towel faster in my whole life . We did finally get that fixed though , and our hearts calmed down until the next day . The shelf above our toilet has always been an issue . It 's one of the ones where you screw a piece of wood to your wall , and the shelf has a hole that fits that piece of wood , and you screw the shelf to the piece of wood . Those of you who have these probably know that if you don 't have a stud right where you want that shelf , the shelf will sag . Ours has sagged for as long as I 've known my wife , and just this week , it decided its lotion holding days were over because it sagged enough to make everything fall off of that . It was wrong about those days being over though , all we needed was a couple of brackets , a couple of screws , and a drill I got for our wedding and it was holding lotion again ( thanks to everyone who gave us money to Ace Hardware for our wedding , the drill has been used ) . Now , I don 't complain that this all happened . Part of owning a toilet , a washing machine , and a shelf is that each will eventually require maintenance . This was all part of the human existence . Though I would have been cool with them being spaced a bit farther from each other . Anyway , I 'm going to go and meditate on life now , and invite you to do the same . Have a nice day . When I was in high school , my friends and I found the movie Tombstone . We all fell in love with Val Kilmer 's character John " Doc " Holiday . In the movie he always seemed to know what to say , he spoke Latin , he never stopped drinking , and he was an amazing gun fighter , all while fighting tuberculosis . To say the least , we loved his lines , and his character . So , I bought Doc Holliday , by John Myers Myers , to my knowledge , one of very few books written on the man . I read it carefully , because the report was some incredible amount of my grade . I was amazed to find that Doc was all the movie said he was and more . He was a dentist before becoming a gambler , but because of his tuberculosis , he would often cough while working on patients , and as you can imagine , people weren 't big fans of their dentist coughing up a storm when he told them to open their mouths . So , when his doctor said he should move to a drier climate , he started wandering and gambling . When he was younger he had learned to shoot a gun , and found that gun play was important in gambling as well , so he really was the gunslinger the movie made him out to be . He was so good that he one time shot a man in the chest and was mad at himself for not hitting the head . He was also a drinker . The book said that his nerves were never really calm , even when he was a dentist , and so he 'd drink to steady them , and that never stopped until he died , though it wasn 't what killed him . He was , as the movie shows , very good friends with Wyatt Earp , though he wavered between the side of the law and the side of the outlaw much more than Wyatt . He was at Tombstone , and he was given a shotgun during the fight at the corral , though what the movie doesn 't show is that he hated the shotgun because it wasn 't as accurate as his pistols , and Wyatt gave him one in hopes he wouldn 't jump in to a fight as quickly with it as he would with pistols . He spent his life a gunslinger , a gambler , a drinker , and a southern gentleman , which is why his last words are so awesome . Just as the movie shows , he was in a hospital at the end of his life , because the tuberculosis had gotten the better of him . His last words really were " This is funny . " It makes sense that the movie has him looking at his feet , because it shows why he 'd say it . All his life he 'd been in situations where he should have died with his boots on , and yet , his actual dieing place was in a hospital , from a disease he 'd tried to ignore for years . I watched Tombstone last night and thought of what an amazing man he was . How I 'd read a book to find out the truth and found the truth to be just as amazing , if not better than the film . I thought about the choices he made and why he was remembered . I won 't say that I want a life like his . He had very few friends , and many enemies . But he was always in the middle of the action . He was willing to fight for things he thought were important , and he was willing to help a friend , both worthy of remembering . Just something I 've been thinking about lately . I hope both can be said of me when I die . Have a nice day . 3 . God is teaching me patience . Though I think my lesson is learned , so if He gave us the baby now I wouldn 't be any worse off . . . just sayin ' . First and foremost , I got an award . It is probably the most fitting award for me , as laid out by the giver of it : Antares Cryptos . Who , for all intents and purposes of the award , deserves it right back . So , there seemed to be no real rules with this , but to pass it on to other blogging geeks . I knew and loved the people AC gave it to , so all of you can say yours is from me too . But two more people who I think deserve this prestigious award are Kev D , who hasn 't written for a whole month now , but when he does it 's always nerdy fun stuff with words , and DBS who loves to take words at their root meaning and then mush them together to make a word that all of us need almost daily . So , here 's to both of you . You 're both great English nerds . My wife and I decided that we should go on a walk . . . which had nothing to do with trying to induce labor . . . much . We went with my sister in law and her husband , because she 's prego too and exercise is good . We got Subway sandwich 's and drove up a canyon near our home to a nice little path through the trees . It really is nice . On our way up , we stopped and rested on a rock near the trail . There was a nice breeze that made the spot just the right temperature . As we sat , we noticed a raven come and perch on what looked to be a branch that was much too small for it . We watched it for a while , and then noticed there was a nest near it . At first we thought it was the raven 's nest . Then , lightening quick , his beak flew into the nest and pulled out a tuft of feathers . That 's right ladies and gentlemen , we watched the raven grab a meal . . . from another bird 's nest . We then watch it fly away as three other birds flew after it pecking feverishly , but to no avail . The baby bird would be returning to the nest nevermore . My sister in law cried . My wife was extremely concerned . And my brother in law and I noticed how lucky we were . We saw something you only get to see on Animal Planet . Don 't get me wrong , I feel bad for the mommy and daddy birds , and the third one . . . the uncle bird maybe ? It would suck to have my kid ripped from my carefully made home and only be able to punch the huge assailant in the head while never getting my child back . And yet , it was still pretty cool to see it as a third person spectator . Needless to say , the two pregnant women did not want to stay in that spot anymore . So we continued on . On our way back from our destination , we were walking along , dodging worms that were hanging by thread from the trees over the path , when we heard a loud noise , and no more than thirty feet in front of us barreled a moose onto the path . It wasn 't big , about the size of a small horse , and it was very thin , you could see its ribs , but neither of those things made me want to stay near it . My wife tried to say that it couldn 't hurt us as much as a full grown moose , but I explained that hurting is a function with an end point , that end point being death . Both could get us there . Therefore , this horse sized moose could , in fact , hurt us as much as a full grown one . Luckily , we didn 't have to test my hypothesis . It walked down the path toward us for about ten feet , with us back peddling the whole way , until it got past a wooden fence , then it turned and walked into the pond . I 'd be lying if I said it didn 't scare me . After that though , we did finish our walk without incident . We seldom see anything on that trail , but this time , we were reminded that just behind the tree line lives wildlife . Scary , dog eat dog , trampling wildlife , that we need to respect . I feel like we 're just about as ready as we can be . We have bottles , binkis , booties , and blankets , and all the other stuff that I never knew we needed . We have the oh - crap - it 's - time bag , and a route all picked out . Two routes if the free way looks backed up . We have the phone number for the hospital and the midwife , and we know that it 's 3 to 5 minutes between pains she can 't talk through for an hour , then we take her in . Our parents are ready , our siblings are excited , and we are . . . well , we 're a cacophony of emotions . We 're really happy , and excited , and grateful , and nervous . We 've read " What to Expect , " but still aren 't sure what to expect , and it sounds like no one can really tell us exactly what to expect . " Every baby / labor / person / car seat is different , " they tell us . So , it seems there 's really no way to know what to expect , and so we wait . The waiting hasn 't been bad so far . I 've really been trying to psych myself up for a week after the due date , and then be surprised and happy if it comes early , but I don 't know how well that 's working . Again , I really can 't know until the time comes . A couple of women in our neighborhood had the exact same due date , one of them gave birth twelve days early , while the other gave birth a few days late . It 's as thought the due date doesn 't even really help us , except for the preparation part . And to be honest , it 's the preparation part that will probably kill me in the end . We have the room all picked out . Proudly displayed are our children 's books that we want to read to Baby J . In the crib is a giraffe that plays Twinkle Twinkle Little Star . In the Pack - n - Play is a stuffed Goofy in a onesie . It all makes me just a little more anxious to have the baby here . I 've done it to myself though , ya know ? When you 're preparing for Disneyland you put everything Disney out of your mind until the day of , so you don 't torture yourself with what you dream it will be like . I might as well have been wearing Mickey ears for the past couple of months . Every daydream is that of a son or a daughter . Every car ride is looking back at the car seat we already have installed , with a cooing infant going up the canyon , or to grandma 's , or to Wal - Mart for the very first time . It 's sleeping in , and knowing that I won 't be able to shortly because we 'll have an alarm that needs to be fed every two hours , and I think changed about that often . It 's the budgeting , and the saving , and the long talks about if we think we 're ready for person number three . And then , it was deciding that we were . And now , it 's the waiting . But , I might as well be happy about it . Every day the baby doesn 't come my excitement builds a little more . Soon , I have the feeling that every hour will build the excitement as well . I love him / her already guys . I love him / her and I don 't even know what gender he / she is . My first gaming experiences were probably before I can really remember . I 'm told that my dad had an original Nintendo and that he played Mario . . . I think . I honestly don 't remember playing it . I then remember when we got a Super Nintendo . I think it had been out for like three years before we got it . It took a lot of convincing , because my dad didn 't want us waisting all of our time on it , but we eventually got it on my birthday . I say ' on ' because my parents ' made it VERY clear that just because we got it on my birthday , it did not mean it was just mine . It had the Mario five pack , which meant the original one , the second and third ones , Yoshi 's Island , and one other one that escapes me now . . . I 'm sure it 'll come to me tonight after it 's messed with me all day . We also Primal Rage ( the giant apes and dinosaurs fighting game ) and Mortal Combat . I eventually bought a cowboy shooting game ( it was originally an arcade game ) and a hockey game ( not surprisingly ) . I played some , but not very often . I never really talked about what I played with anyone , because no one cared , and none of the games were really that impressive anyway . Then , we got computer games . My dad works with computers , so we were one of the first families on my street to get one , and we got a fast one , because my dad knew what made them fast . We started out with Real - Time Strategy games . That means you make and control an army that goes and tries to take out another army . Popular ones are War Craft and Star Craft . Then I learned about Diablo . It was a great Hack and Slash ( meaning you run through and hack and slash everything in your path ) with a great story . After much discussion my dad finally bought it . He ended up liking it too , and so started my love for story telling in gaming , though I didn 't understand just how much I would enjoy it yet . After that I got Baulder 's Gate and Final Fantasy 7 , both Role - Playing Games ( meaning you play the role of a character and it takes you through a story ) . And I enjoyed both . What I really didn 't understand was how much I enjoyed them . See , great video games are like choose your own ending books on crack . It gives a great story and leads you through it in a way that you become part of it . I really hadn 't played much up to this point . I did finish Diablo I and Baulder 's Gate , and I almost finished Final Fantasy 7 , but the length of the game turned out to be too much for me . And my love for gaming lay under the surface for years . It almost passed out of existence . Then , on a day that my live in infamy in my wife 's eyes forever , she let me buy an Xbox 360 . I honestly had not owned a console since the Super Nintendo . We had bought the Wii , but it was mostly for her . I was suddenly , and unexpectedly thrown into a world of gaming that I didn 't know existed . I found out that games were expensive , and because I have little money , I started doing my homework on games . I quickly found websites like Gamespot and ING that literally do nothing but talk about video games . They explain what makes one good , and why one really isnt ' worth the twenty bucks . I also found that other people commented on video games . They gave their input . And , as with music and movies , I was suddenly able to explain , in words , why I liked a game . I knew I liked Diablo I , I knew I liked Baulder 's Gate and Final Fantasy , but I didn 't know why . Gamespot in particular , gave me the ability . I now talk with people about games all the time . I explain that I like action / adventure games and RPG 's because they tend to have great stories . I say that Fall Out 3 worried me at first because it was a FPS ( First Person Shooter ) and I usually don 't like those , but the story and RPG elements were too great to overlook . It then led me to try Mass Effect , which I 'm really enjoying . I 'm able to see game footage of Dungeon Siege III and see the similarities between it and Diablo I and it makes me want to play it . And then , I look back at gaming fifteen years ago . I don 't want to say we 've ' come a long way , ' because I don 't know as we really have . We play a lot more now . We play because we want to talk to others about it . Games are made to satisfy very particular tastes , so you don 't have to spend a lot of money to find the games that will last long and keep you entertained , but I don 't know how much that 's necessarily great . What I do know though , is that it gives me something to think and dream about . It keeps my imagination active , and gives me a reason to talk to people . I won 't say Gaming is great , but I won 't say it 's horrible either . It 's been good to me so far . Have a nice day . My allergies were horrible again a couple of days ago . Here in Orem there 's a celebration we have called Summer Fest . It 's a carnival , a parade , and fireworks . We went with my mom to the fireworks and happened to sit right near three or four big pine trees . I 'm almost sure I 'm allergic to pollinating pines now . I could not stop sneezing . After they were over my wife and I went to Target to get me some allergy pills . We couldn 't get Claritin D because the pharmacy was closed , so I settled for some Benadryl with the decision to go back the next morning . Friends , I looked like a zombie the next morning . My eyes were blood shot , and it looked like I 'd been in a fight the day before . My mouth gaped open as I tried to breathe . It was horrible , and I needed drugs . I went back to Target , but forgot Kleenex , so my first order of business when I got there was to grab a box , rip it open , and start using it before purchasing it . They usually don 't care if you do this , but I would have done it even if they did , I simply couldn 't go without . After I had Kleenex in hand , I went to where you get the little paper that you take the pharmacy that says you want the drugs ( I guess because you can 't convey that to them in words . . . ) . So , I stagger up to the counter and hand the woman the slip of paper . It is for the generic version of Claritin D . She walks on back , looks on a shelf and then leans out saying , " I 'm sorry , we 're out of that . " She 's about to walk back to me , when I gasp , " Then get me some Claritin D . " I kid you not , I looked like a zombie , why she didn 't just grab the Claritin is beyond me . She then asks if I want the five pack of the fifteen . People , I am squinting through two puffy eyes and holding a Kleenex under them to catch the tears . Why did she think I would get better in five days ? So I told her the fifteen and she heads on back . I hand her the Kleenex and ask her to " Ring this up to . I had an emergency . " She rings up both and it comes to twenty something dollars . As I walk out of the store I notice that I paid eighteen dollars for fifteen days worth of Claritin D . At first I was a little annoyed , but then I realized why it was so much . My allergies had me by the balls . I was willing to pay way more than a dollar a day to support my delusion that they might loosen up if I fed them something . To be honest , I don 't know why they don 't charge more . My only thought is that then they 'd have another crazed group of people trying to break into pharmacies to try and get their Claritin fix . I know I would have that morning anyway . I would have been violent . But anyway , I got my Claritin and feel better enough to think eighteen dollars was worth it . My allergies have more or less let go of my testicles now , and I can function . I 'll just leave you with that little image . Have a nice day . It 's a dew covered morning out at Five Mile Pass . About an hour ago a young member of an LDS congregation bellowed as the leader explained that it was time to get in the truck and go out on their outing . The boy protested , but his protests fell on deaf ears , either because they didn 't care or his Banshee cry blew out there ear drums . All has been still , but oh , look there . The sun is just peeking over the horizon . It 's warming rays kiss the dust and the cave men 's dwelling . We may just get lucky enough to see . . . yes . One caveman unzips the dwelling and steps into the light . Notice the squinting eyes , the hunched back , and the protruding belly . Yes , this is a Paulus Needsmoresleepus . You 'll note the hair on his face , the sticks in his hair . Clearly related to humans , but severally under evolved . Yeah , camping was a blast . By the end we all smelled greatly of burning cedar and something else that would be difficult to define and none of us would probably want to . We did sleep next to a large group of boys and their fathers , one of which could not seem to stop crying , which was super fun at like four in the morning . I did feel a little bad for them when I noticed the gallon jugs of Tropicana on their folding tables , slowing soaking in the heat of our biscuits and gravy and hash browns that the wind was carrying perfectly over to them , but for the most part I just wished their leader would have let the poor boy sleep . In other news , I 'm taking the copy of my book my dad edited today and I 'll be compiling to start sending out to my other editors . I promised one I 'd email it before tomorrow , so I 'll have a lot of work to do today . I should be able to do it though . It 's really exciting seeing it all come together . And , as I said in what I 'm grateful for , my wife hasn 't yet had the baby . The ' due date ' is only eight days away though , so it 's getting close . I 'm really excited . Which is the most obvious thing to say ever . And on that happy note , I hope you have a good day . I am about to embark on an adventure . Well , not so much an adventure as a night spent with my high school buddies , cooking outside , talking around a fire , and sleeping in the same dwelling , but in separate beds . . . I 'm talking about The Quasi - Annual Friends ' Camping Trip ! The reason I say quasi is that we 've only done it one other year and while I REALLY want it to happen every year , I 'm not getting my hopes too high . Last year was awesome . We went to Fish Lake and camped for a few days . Shot some skeet , played a little D & D , cooked outside , and just caught up on everything . Basically , we did a bunch of manly stuff and felt great . My buddy got us some " No Wifies Allowed " t - shirts and away we went . This year is going to be a little more small scale because my wife is having a baby and I didn 't want to be gone too long in case she goes in to labor . My friends have been really cool about it , but shortening the trip for me was probably not something they intended to do . Anyway , we 're going out to Five Mile Pass ( I 've never camped there ) , but we hope to have a little cell coverage in case my wife has a surprise labor ( which I doubt ) and it 's close to home since we 'll only be gone an evening . Either way , it 'll still be a blast and we 'll still catch up just like we want to . By the end of the trip we 'll probably miss our wives again , but the fun will be too undeniable to not do it again next year ( I hope ) . James McAvoy . Is the name familiar ? I 'm sure to some of you it is , and you 're big fans and this post will leave you wondering if my wife ever lets me out . Well , for the rest of you , James McAvoy is Charles Xavier in X - Men First Class , which I saw last night . I really liked it , but as soon as I saw James , I was just a little annoyed . I knew I had seen him in another movie , but could not figure out which one . Even you McAvoy fans can relate to this right ? When you see someone in a movie and you can 't fully enjoy it because you know you 've seen them in something else , but can 't quiet put your finger on it . Well that 's where I was watching the new X - Men movie , which , in my opinion , is the best X - Men movie yet ( not counting Wolverine Origins ) . I expressed my concern to my wife , my sister in law , and her husband after the movie ended . I thought hard and all I could think was that he 'd been in Becoming Jane , or some other movie about that set of sisters . Which , by the way , James is in Becoming Jane . I just checked . But after such a bad ass performance in X - Men , I could hardly believe that I didn 't know him from something cooler . I apologize to all of you Jane fans , but that movie was boring . I love most cinema , but I honestly almost took a nap . Just like her books , about three fourths of the way through I started asking myself , " Who cares ? " Sorry , back on topic . So , I continued to think about what I 'd seen him in . I pictured him yelling , which I 'm quiet sure he never did in Becoming Jane . To say the least I was bugged all night . Even after I beat a boss that had sent me playing other games in frustration before , I still could not get my mind off of where I 'd seen James 's grimacing face . Then , around four in the morning , it suddenly hit me . He 's Tumnus in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe . I can 't fully describe the peace that came over me when I figured it out . I even woke up my wife , who humored me a little before going back to sleep . I 'll have to watch X - Men again so that I can fully enjoy it without the real world identity of James looming over my head . 1 . My wife washed the towels . Not that we don 't usually , I just love freshly washed towels . 2 . It 's my brother - in - law 's birthday , so we 're going to Tucano 's and seeing the new X - men movie . 3 . I finished the writing part of my book and have already found a few willing editors . Let me just start by saying that if you are one of my Facebook friends and you do what I explain today , please don 't be offended . I don 't mean to be mean , I just had to get it off my chest . I don 't like Facebook status updates that leave no real clue as to what the person is talking about . A good example is when a whole status post reads , " Awesome . " What is that ? What 's awesome ? Did you just see someone do something stupid and all you can think is ' awesome ' or did you just find out that you were given a large inheritance and we 'd all better start being ridiculously nice to you ? Your status update leaves us no clue . Then , even worse than ' Awesome , ' is ' Best day ever , ' or ' This is wonderful . ' Again , what 's wonderful ? Why is this the best day ever ? Then , we , as your true blue facebook friends must ask you what 's wonderful or why it 's been such a good day . Questions that seldom get answered , and even when they do we are left thinking , " Huh , that 's nice . They could have just written , ' My brother got married , this is the best day ever . ' Would it really have taken that much longer ? " To be honest , I seldom ask what these are about anymore . I figure that if there really is something interesting going on , I 'll eventually hear about it . I imagine it makes me a bad facebook friend , but I just don 't have the patience anymore . But even more annoying than those is " Today sucks , " Or " FML . " These are like ticking time bombs . I 'm afraid that the person who wrote this is someone I barely know and they are going to answer me with something like , " My husband just walked out after he found out I lost my job and our fifth child is on the way , taking his Xbox with him , not because he meant to , but because non - stop playing has fused it to his hand . " What do you say to that ? " I 'm sorry . You 're right , your day does suck . " But even more obnoxious than an answer is the " It 's personal . " Then why did you post ANYTHING about it on facebook ? Do you really think this is a Posted by 3 . Modern Medicine . That 's pretty much all inclusive . There are so many things that would have killed us fifty years ago that simply will not kill us now . Yay for life . So , as some of you may have noticed , I took yesterday off . I talked to my boss ( me ) and my other boss ( my wife ) , and told them it was my second anniversary and how my wife wanted to spend the day with me . The two of them talked it over and said that I could . Suckers . Yep , it was our second anniversary yesterday , which made me think a bunch of stuff . First off : Two years . The woman has put up with me for two years . I 've written about this before , so I won 't go into detail , but two years is one long ass time to deal with me . Talk about moxy ( from Night at the Museum II ) , talk about muchness ( Alice in Wonderland ) . If for no other reason than she can put up with me ( and it 's not ) , my wife is amazing . The day started with , let 's say , some difficulties . Namely , allergies . I took an allergy pill , but even with the pill , I still thought that I would get dehydrated from blowing my nose , and that my eyes would eventually be swept away by the rivers they were obviously holding back . I looked like every bit of water in my body was piling up and spilling out of my face . We 'll say it was dodgy . Well , some of you might not know this , but my wife loves eating out for breakfast . She likes fast food 's fake eggs and diners ' quaintness . We chose Kneaders . The workers probably thought I had the plague or something , but allowed us to order and didn 't complain when we chose a table that was far away from the rest of the customers and mostly out of sight . They even brought our food to our table . I think they were afraid I would suddenly explode and they 'd have to mop up if I walked around too much . On the way home we got gas ( because we were going to Salt Lake that night ) and got The Green Hornet from Redbox ( because , with my allergies , we weren 't going to do anything else ) . While walking from our car to our condo I noticed the wind pick up and watched what looked to be a big cloud of dust come wafting off a big pine tree in front of our house . Ladies and Gentlemen , I think I 'm allergic to pine trees pollinating . I almost cried . I was already hurting so much , and I 'd just seen my nemesis show its power , and I became afraid . I knew we had a big night planned , and a little pine tree procreation was not going to stop it from being awesome , so against recommendations on the bottle , I took another half allergy pill and drank lot of water to keep myself from turning into a raisin . We watched Green Hornet , it was really so - so . I doubt I 'll buy it . The big plans we had made were going to The Melting Pot for dinner . It 's a place that requires reservations and has a valet . To my knowledge , I 've never used either of those services before last night . It 's a fondue place that is designed to allow people time to sit and talk without the waiter being annoying and while enjoying great food . It did not disappoint . Our waiter , Ryan , was great . He answered all of questions without being snooty and was always quick to refill drinks - just what a waiter should be . The food was awesome , and my wife and I got a chance to talk . In our conversation I asked what her favorite part of being married has been ( talk about your loaded questions ) . She smiled and said there were lots of favorites , one of them being ' cuddling up close . ' It 's what normal people call cuddling . Not sure why we say this . I pressed her for another favorite , and while she thought I thought of mine , which was that I liked having someone there no matter what happened . Sure , my wife is beautiful , and fun , and cool , but when it comes right down to it , I know that my wife is going to be there for me , no matter what happens , and that 's really what I love most about her . She then said basically what I had been thinking . It was nice to know she depended on me too . Later , we talked about how I want so badly to take her to Switzerland . I know she would love the food , and the architecture , and the people , and the green grass , and the water ( it 's seriously everywhere , which for people from the desert , lookss pretty awesome ) . After we 'd talked about that for a while she looked at me and said , " That 's another favorite . I like sharing experiences with you . " I hadn 't thought of it , but I love that too . I love being married to my wife . Sure , we 're not always in sync , and sure , we don 't always agree , but it 's so nice when we do that it makes up for when we don 't . In my Marriage and Family Relations class my teacher asked us how we would define a successful marriage . After some deliberation about happiness , and fulfillment , and time spent together I came to the conclusion that a successful marriage is one where the end product is greater than the some of its parts . A marriage where each person is lifted because they are married . And I feel like , at least for the time being , my marriage is a success . I am a better person because I 'm with my wife , and my wife says the same thing , though it 's hard for me to believe . As Jack Johnson would say , " We 're better together . " 2 . My dad and mom went on a trip to Australia . I 'll miss not having them here , but my mom seldom does anything for herself , so I 'm really happy to see her take a trip and rest a bit . 3 . My dad took my ( mostly ) finished manuscript on the trip so he can start editing . All I lack is the concluding chapter and looking up a few more quotes . My wife and I bought some bacon about a week ago with the intention of making bacon , lettuce and tomato sandwiches . We decided not to buy the produce until we were sure we were going to make them so that it wouldn 't go bad . Last night , we decided that today was the day , and we went to the grocery store to buy the lettuce and the tomatoes . My wife went off to grab the lettuce and left me to choose the tomatoes . I 've picked out tomatoes all my life , so the choice was easy . I knew we didn 't want Roma 's because they weren 't good for that type of sandwich . The other choices were some orange looking ones , and some beautiful , medium sized red ones that were " fresh off the vine " - a new phenomenon here in the states that really just means that they are still on their vines and that they cost more . As I grabbed them , their sweet perfume wafted up and I couldn 't help but smile a little . That smell has meant so many things to me in my life , all of them wonderful . My wife caught up with me and I didn 't have much time to think about the scent , so I bagged them and we checked out . It wasn 't until we got home and I sat down in our " reading chair " that I smelled my fingers , which still smelled of the tomatoes , and had a moment to think about what all that smell meant to me . It turns out that there were three things that the smell reminded me of , all three of them people . The first person was Great Grandpa Paul . So many of my memories are of his garden . I remember thinking it was huge when I was younger , but looking at it now , it 's really just normal sized for anyone living in the country with some land . In his garden was usually corn , and a few other things , but it always had tomatoes . Beef Masters were his favorite . They grew in little bushes and he always fought off the dry heat of Arizona and parasites to ensure a good harvest . Some of my fondest memories are of the two of us watching water slowly run down each row , and smelling the tomatoes when we picked one or two . The second person was my dad . As I 've said before , my dad is a bit eccentric when he sets his mind to something , but he 's innovative as well . When we moved to ' the big city ' - which was really just Orem , but it seemed big - my dad got the idea that we needed a garden , but we had very little space for one . So , he learned how to make certain tomato breeds climb a piece of twine , so as to keep them off the ground and use what little gardening space we had . He liked Early Girls and Better Boys . They both climb and both produce quickly . My dad got them to grow so well that they stood taller than a full grown man , and the tomatoes were between a baseball and a softball , I 'm not exaggerating . I remember being outside in the summer time , helping my dad water them or picking some for dinner and the sweet aroma of the tomatoes filling , what felt like , every nook and cranny of my soul . I love summers and part of summers are tomatoes . The third and last person I thought of was my sister . She was always more involved with the garden than I was . I enjoyed watering and eating the tomatoes , fresh off the vine and still warm from the sun . She loved those things too , but she loved working at making things grow . So , my parents gave her some cherry tomato plants , and she went to work , having them climb a post next to the house . When the summer was over the plant was taller than the house and had some of the best cherry tomatoes you 've ever tasted . Every once and a while I 'd sneak one of them and if she caught me she 'd get mad because they were hers and I needed to ask if I was going to eat one . Mostly tomatoes make me think of happy times . Gardening , lazy summer days , or preparing for a nice meal with the freshest of produce . So , it was no wonder that Ridley 's " Fresh Off the Vine " tomatoes made me smile . They make me think of great people , and great times . I 'm an introvert . People I say that to are often very surprised . I talk a lot in classes . I have friends . I sing karaoke at family g . . . |
We are putting up our pool . The sides are up now , the side posts are fastened to the bottom rails . . . now we have to get more sand before we can put the liner in , which isn 't cool , because the sand place isn 't open on Sunday . I hope we don 't get strong wind and rain , or that pool is going to buckle . And it has been so much work ! Unrolling the side panel of a 27 ft . pool : almost impossible . It is so heavy ! Unrolling it and placing it into the bottom rail without taking any toes off any feet : we did it ! So what did I do today ? Walked in the morning , swept , cleaned under some living room furniture that I didn 't get to yesterday ( I don 't know why , but the living room just feel so much cleaner when I know it 's clean under the couches ) , did some laundry , helped with the pool , made dinner ( boneless chicken thighs baked in Buffalo hot sauce , chicken nugget strips baked with Sweet Baby Ray 's bbq sauce , frozen pizza , and leftover home - made pizza re - heated , green beans ) I only had a few thin strips of pizza , just a few tastes . Then I had some French bread croutons dipped in the Buffalo sauce , dang it they were so good . They keep busy all day . They dressed up in frilly dresses and danced and had a pretend wedding . Camille asked , " Mama , what does I Thee Wed mean ? " . They played outside in their Little Tikes houses , which they now want to paint , thanks to Martha , who posted some cool ideas on facebook : ) . They tried to ride their bikes , they played on the swingset . They helped put up the pool , minimally , but they romped around happily in the wet sand . Margaret went to play with and help with the twins and William . Joseph , Aaron , and Samuel have been working until late at night each day on a tiling job for a church fundraiser . Mirielle is working at the baseball game in the city . Only 8 kids were at the dinner table , and one of those is my niece Olivia . Did I mention that I love summer ? Just the unstructured hours to while away . The luxury of knowing that if we want to do something , we can . The dog is lying on the couch next to Paul , snoring , and the kitten is lying across my arms purring . He is the nicest little thing . Right now I am going to get up from my comfy chair and make some popcorn for some kids . Posted by Mali Rose came upon an accident yesterday , or rather was right behind one . The car in front of her was smashed into by a truck that took off immediately following the crash . The car rolled over and a boy was ejected . Mali saw the whole thing . She stopped and went to the boy , who was lying in a field . He wasn 't breathing . Mali has had one year of nursing school , so she did CPR . She saved this boy 's life . We hope . He had a head injury . . . she tried to hold tissues on his head to stop it . . . . she left when the ambulance got there , so we don 't know how he is , but I like to think she saved him . She called the police when she got home to make sure they got a description of the vehicle that left the scene of the accident . And that 's all I have time for this morning . I just got back from the pool , and have to wake Jonathan and take the truck for oil change and inspection . . . . Jonathan and I will have breakfast at the diner while we wait . Then off we go to pick up a bike for Charlotte Claire , from craigslist . This afternoon Paul and I are working at the baseball game . For years and years I was pregnant and nursing and busy and didn 't even consider giving blood . Paul has always been a regular donor , and Emily has done pretty well giving too . I have only done it once so far , in these years of relative calm , now that my youngest is five years old . . . . and it wasn 't too bad . Getting my fingers pricked to test for iron levels was the absolute worst part , although I wasn 't too big on climbing on to the unstable - feeling portable cot . Getting the needle in my arm was nothing compared to worrying about how I was going to get back up OFF that portable cot , which didn 't turn out to be that terrible . That day , Mirielle didn 't fare too well . We were all done giving blood , sitting happily at the after - snack table , choosing some animal crackers and juice , and I looked over at her . . . uh oh ! She was pretty gray . And , she was going down ! A nice nurse named Carlos came to save her , got her lying down and relaxing for a bit . It wasn 't really funny , but . . . Anyway , she is such a trooper , she still gives blood even though that sort of thing always happens to her . Today , she and Margaret are going with me to Paul 's work to donate . Margaret is only 16 , and hasn 't given before . She asked me what it was bad , and I said , " Margaret , I have had 17 kids . Giving blood is nothing . " ha . I explained that the first thing that 's done when one gets admitted to the hospital is that visit from phlebotomy . . . and that was always the least of my worries . Anyway , I told her it is no big deal . Just a little prick , and a few minutes to lie back and relax . I do try not to look though : ) Last night I took a nice long walk with two friends , which was really enjoyable . Talking and walking makes it go fast . This morning I made it to the pool again , too . Half an hour of swimming and treading water . Oh my goodness we had some fun yesterday . I was planning on going out and about , or oot and aboot , as Jonathan says . The little kids seemed to want to get out . . . but by the time I got ready to go , they were so happily playing , they decided not to go . Jon was playing cards with Evelyn , who is the world 's best babysitter ( she made them Ramen noodles for lunch ) . The little girls were totally engrossed in playing Barbies , their whole room was set up . So I went with Mirielle , Margaret , Kathryn , Suzanne , and cousin Olivia . First stop : Timmy Ho 's . I have decided I like iced coffee , so I ordered a large with sugar - free caramel and cream . By the time we ordered all six drinks , we were silly . The kid was handing Marg ( yeah , she was driving . That is a whole other story . ) the drinks as she passed them back to Mirielle with her other hand . . . she was saying to Mirielle , " um , come on , come on ! " , trying to get her to take the drinks quicker . . . the drive - through guy thought she was talking to him , it was too funny . Plus , I blew my straw wrapper at Margaret , well , in her general direction , it hit the drive - through window just as he was opening it again to give us another drink . That was also too funny . Margaret declared that we are never going there again , as we drove away laughing . Yeah , my 9th child is driving . She is an excellent driver . The last few times we went out , I hardly had to tell her anything , and best of all , here and there I would actually relax and forget to be scared for my life . 4 . Camille was up with the birds , all excited to show me how she can now play , " Hot Cross Buns " on the piano , while Charlotte Claire exclaimed that it was an easy song with just a few notes . The two of them have such a love / hate relationship , competitive but still friends . 5 . Jonathan and Charlotte Claire each lost a tooth the other day . They waited a few day for our forgetful toothfairy to get her act together . . . and when that toothfairy finally borrowed some dollars from Margaret ( they got $ 2 each , which is high , but the toothfairy felt guilty ) . . . . Miss Camille started trying to pull out a tooth . She really wants some money . 6 . The kids like saving money . Camille suggested to Char that they pool their money . She said , " With your $ 88 and my $ 14 , and the two dollars Mom owes you and the one dollar she owes me , we would have one hundred five dollars ! " I asked her how she figured that out , she said , " I used all my fingers and toes . " 7 . Camille told me this morning that there are two Gods . One that hears our prayers from the sky , and one that people say , " Oh my God ! " about . 8 . Last night I told the little girls a bedtime story about a little girl who didn 't get on the bus , she sneaked in the back door and climbed back in bed . Her mama didn 't know it , and left for the day . Little girl at home got out all the playdough , painted pictures and tacked them to the kitchen walls , put markers on all her dolls for make - up , trimmed up their hair , burned toast , dropped the gallon of milk , and flushed a hotdog that didn 't taste good not cooked , down the toilet which backed it up . . . . she tried to be a good girl and empty the kitty litter , but she tripped and dropped it into Mama 's chair . . . I was telling this story , and all of the sudden Camille burst into tears , sobbing and sobbing . She said she did not like that story , did not like that Mama had to clean up all those messes . It was too cute . I told her it wasn 't really true . . . . but she said , " It makes me sad , Mama ! " Okay , bit of truth here : sometimes these three youngest kids almost drive me crazy . They get silly and sillier , they make huge messes , they argue and bug each other , they fight and come crying to me about it . Jonathan is mostly the peacemaker , but he can get really really silly too . The two princesses are very slappy with each other , mostly Char slaps Camille , Camille gets brokenhearted . Admitting this by no means indicates that I love them any less . In fact , some of their fights are absolutely hilarious . I try not to intervene so much because I think Least Said Soonest Mended , plus it is normal sibling behavior and they usually figure things out . Although I do make the one who hit the other sit in a chair until there is an apology , and sometimes a bit longer if the apology is just so ingenuine and the child needs a few minutes to gather herself . Notice I said , " herself " . That 's because Jon doesn 't hit . He mostly gets mad when his sisters smack when eating , or lick their fingers . And sometimes they just think it is good fun to bug each other . Recreational bugging . Sonja and Jon are experts at it . Now , I know how fast kids grow up . In fact , I just told these three to , " stop bugging each other , just grow up ! " But I didn 't really mean it . I don 't want them to grow up too fast . Even if they are loud and crazy sometimes . Today I am going to get these guys to clean up their rooms a bit . . . then take them to Movie Night at church tonight . Aaron worked all day yesterday doing a tiling job for a fundraiser for church . He got home after 10 pm . He left again this morning , early . Sam worked all day at the school , then went and worked with Aaron , cutting tile and cleaning up . He had a long day , but was very positive about it . They will be working like that until the job is finished , hopefully this weekend . So I went to the pool this morning , yay . I am re - starting this healthy lifestyle , again , for the fiftieth time . But guess what ? It ain 't over ' til it 's over , and I am not giving up . I went from being 100 % serious to just mainPosted by Hot and humid . We packed up and went to the pool at our church for a few hours . I walked TWICE today , too . And , I ate good , all day long ! Now , one should by all rights lose at least fifty pounds for a day like today : ) I grilled 12 pounds of chicken breast tenders on the grill . They marinated overnight in garlic herb , so they were really yummy . Let 's see . I read some of my book when we got back from swimming . I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher , washed a few loads of clothes , swept the floor , listened to the little girls read . . . can you believe they can both read now ? Did I get to sleep in a bit ? ha . I had to bring Samuel over to the school for his first day of work at his summer job , doing school maintenance . He worked there last year and they liked him so much they hired him again . He had to be there by 7 : 00 . . . so I had to get up at 6 : 30 . Now , that wouldn 't be bad if I hadn 't woken up at 3 : 30 to use the bathroom then struggled for a few hours to fall back to sleep . I hate when that happens . My brain won 't shut off , and I toss and turn . Last night , for example , I thought of writing a book . . . and realized that my biggest fear , which is that it would end up in the dollar store , wouldn 't be the end of the world . I could actually make it a goal , then if it happened I would be happy . Yeah , stupid things like that . My younger kids are saving up their money . Camille was sitting with me yesterday , doing some thinking . She suggested to Charlotte Claire that they pool their money . She said , " With your $ 88 and my $ 14 and the dollar Mom owes me and the $ 2 she owes you , we would have one hundred five dollars ! " When I asked her how she figured that out , she said , " I used all my fingers and toes . " ( Char said NO WAY , btw . ) The four youngest have had two sleepover nights in a row , where they all sleep on the floor in Sonja 's room . They stay up too late being too silly , then get up too early and start being silly again . I promised Evelyn a trip to the library today , and I have to remember to pick Sam up at 3 : 00 . He has a bike that works well , but I thought I would drive him for the first few days . He knows how to drive , and is ready to get his license , but then he will have to have a vehicle to drive . So getting rides from mom and biking are good for now . It is only five - ish miles . Did I mention that I took my suit and towel and swam for half an hour after I dropped Sam off this morning ? It was lovely . Yesterday my mother - in - law had a picnic at her house and invited us over . We brought Suri , who pooped in her driveway first thing . After that she was good though : ) She stuck around , and was friendly enough although she thought it was her job to bark at everyone when they got there . Anyway , it was nice to see Paul 's sister and brothers and their spouses . And a few of the cousins . 12 of my kids made it over . They pretty much took up the whole living room ( it was raining out . ) The lil ' kids are playing with stuffed animals and the real kitten right now . They made a pile of bears and put the kitty on it , he just snuggled up and went to sleep . He is a nice sort of kitty , always purring and when I sit down , he comes walking across the living room with that intent look , purring , ready to jump up and snuggle under my chin . I didn 't even really want a kitten , but he sure is nice to have around . He has us laughing with his antics , the way he runs and leaps up and attacks Suri , who just puts her head on her paws and sighs . Sometimes Suri holds kitty down and washes him , just like a mama . Replacing our pool is not fun . It is one foot smaller than the old one , so we have had to clear up the sand and move the bricks that the posts will rest on . When I say , " we " , I mean " Paul " , of course . I helped clear the sand , but he has done most of the hard work . And it has been so hot out there ! The older boys are supposed to do the remaining bricks today , then we will be ready to unroll that pool and put it in the track . Sounds easy , ha , I know it won 't be . We do have plans for the summer . On July 4th , Benjamin Paul will be coming home on leave ! We can 't wait to see him , and to see Ashley and her baby bump ! We have to have that pool set up and filled by then ! I am also planning to take the kids to see the new Monster 's Inc . movie , and take them to the children 's museum , and to the nice beach on Lake Ontario , and camping . The shifting demographics in our home still puzzle me . It 's like we have all these adults and big people , big kids , and then just a few little ones . Little ones are game for anything , they are all happy just to go Bye - Bye . The older ones , not so much . So summer is different than it used to be . Smaller groups with different interests go here and there . Emily is taking Kathryn 15 , Evelyn 13 , and Suzanne 12 , camping this week , up to the Adirondacks . Joseph , Aaron , and Samuel are going camping this weekend up there . Paul and I have to be home this weekend as we are working at the ballgame on Friday night . Camille is now playing , " Hot Cross Buns " on the little keyboard and changing the words . Kitty is beating up Suri . Nope , never a dull moment . Posted by Today is rather quiet . The older kids are all at a church youth conference . Paul and I are here with Sonja , Jonathan , Char , and Camille . The kids took the old pool down , now we are preparing the sand and ground to put up the new one , which is a foot smaller across . I am taking a little break , not that I am doing too much to help . . . . I shoveled some sand , but mostly am watching Paul . I think it is time to go help again though . . . . When I woke up this morning , my first thought was that I needn 't get up ! It 's vacation ! I thought of going to the pool , I thought of going on a walk . . . then I decided I would go on the hike Mirielle was going on , take the little girls , and join the older kids on that hike . I was pretty happy with that decision , getting ready to leave the comfy bed to get ready , when Jonathan knocked on my bedroom door . He had the phone , and was saying , " My mom is right here . " I raised my brows , and he shook his head . He didn 't know who it was . Well , it was Mali 's supervisor from McDonalds , her summer job , calling to say that she had fainted at work and was taken by ambulance to the big hospital in the big city . . . okay . Time to get out of bed , time to change my plans . I packed fruit , almonds , granola bars quick , and grabbed some coffee and a water bottle . Off I went down the highway , hoping it was nothing , and trying not to be too bummed about the change in plans . Man plans , God laughs . Life happens . It isn 't doing what we like that makes us happy , but being thankful for all things no matter what , that makes us happy . So I had lots of to think about as I drove towards the hospital . I tried not to worry , but found myself gripping that steering wheel . I don 't care for city driving no matter what , and cruising towards the emergency department can make anyone nervous . She is fine . We aren 't sure why she fainted . Her heart does have an extra little beat , but she has had that all checked out thoroughly a few years back . Her sugar levels were fine , blood pressure a bit low , and oxygen levels at only 86 % . She just broke out in a sweat , and down she went . She has had a terrible work schedule , and probably hasn 't been eating so wonderfully healthy . So I am not going to worry about it , not too much anyway . I had to button my sweater all up when I stopped to get gas so the people at the gas station wouldn 't know I had ice cream . Home . . . lovely sunny day . Margaret was making cupcakes with the princesses . Yesterday , we went to the beach . Sunshine and cool - ish weather , just lovely . I do love summer . How have I managed to keep up with this blog for almost six years ? My pictures won 't load , my computer is being stupid . I spent too much time last night trying to put some up of Miss Camille , green and blue kitty , and me . We don 't know who colored the white on the kitty so beautifully , no one will take credit . Today is a strange day . First day of summer vacay , and when I got up to drive Margaret to her final state test , and the house was quiet . The younger kids spent the night at Emily 's house last night . . . . home from the pool , and Mirielle was here . Breakfast , coffee , computer time . . . but now I have to go pick Marg up from that test , and go to the store . We are almost out of milk , have no paper towels , ect ect ect . . . we are going to the beach today . I will remember my camera , and hopefully I can figure out why the pictures won 't go up , I am thinking my camera card is shot . Last night I had a dream that Paul and I arrived in Jamaica for a vacation , and I had forgotten my suitcase . He suggested that I approach all the ladies there who are about my size and ask them each for an article of clothing to get me through . Um . Nightmare . Today as I walked up the path into the rec . center to swim , a lady stopped me and asked how I was feeling . I thought perhaps she had mistaken me for someone else . I don 't know her , but have certainly seen her around town , we live in a small community . I told her I was fine , then she said I was looking fantastic , like a new person . Oh okay , she was meaning that I had lost weight and must feel much better . It was a good reminder not to take for granted how much better I feel than a few years ago , especially because I really am trying to lose more weight . Now , I have no job . I talked about working at the school , even considered working part time at Dunkin Donuts or something , just for the social aspect of it . But I didn 't . And guess what ? I haven 't been bored or lonely . . . and I haven 't even come close to running out of things to do . This morning , for example , has been busy . I got the kids off to their half day of school , put in a load of towels , cleaned up the kitchen , cleaned up the pee that Suri did right near where the kids play dollhouse . . . the dollhouse stuff was out , of course , but only two people and one of their couches went swimming , I went to the pool , picked Margaret up from her state test . Now I am eating my breakfast and having coffee , quickly , because I am picking the kids up in half an hour . We 'll be home for about an hour , just enough time to give them lunch , and then off I go to the small city for dentist appointments for three of us . I will stop at a grocery store to stock up on fruits and veggies , and we are running low on milk , again . I am not complaining . When someone asks me if I work , I just say , " No . " On the way to the pool this morning , I was thinking about being so busy all the time . I thought , " I need a break . I hate being so busy . I can 't take it any more . " Then I remembered one of my worst fears , which is that I will have a debilitating stroke some day and end up in a wheelchair , unable to do anything and being a burden on my family . Not that I have thought this out or been worried about it . . . . but when I think about that , I am thankful to be able to get in the van and run here and there . Thankful that I CAN come home and make dinner . Even with big thoughts of thankfulness , I will still find those little grumbles . Oh , they are there . rrr . But I will fight with all my heart to stay in thankfulness . The grass is always greener , and instead of longing for a day with not much going on , I will work to be happy , come what may . Posted by I can 't just say that today is Robert 's birthday . Because he didn 't really have a birth . And his birthday was supposed to be in September , not in June . The day he was born was the saddest day of my life . Birth is supposed to be wonderous . Holding that baby for the first time is supposed to make the whole experience worth it . That baby skin , the fuzzy little head , the little mouth that knows what it wants , the eyes of that baby looking at Mama like he just knows who she is . And those little feet , oh kissable feet . I always unwrapped those babies from their swaddling to look at those little toes . But ten years ago today , it was a different story . . . one I have told before , but cannot help remembering . On Friday the 13th of June back in 2003 , I had a routine appointment with the baby doc . I had noticed that the baby wasn 't kicking much , but it was still moving around , I thought . At any rate , I seriously didn 't notice anything unusual . Perhaps because Margaret was 6 , Kathryn was 5 , Evelyn 3 and a half , Suzanne was 2 , and Sonja Kathleen was 13 months old . I did have my hands full . ( Emily was graduating from high school that week , Abigail was 16 , Benjamin 14 , Mirielle 13 , Joseph 12 , Aaron 10 , Mali Rose 9 , and Sam was 7 ) . Anyway . The midwife didn 't get a heartbeat , and I somehow didn 't panic . She suggested a sonogram , and I just wasn 't too worried . But when she rolled that doppler around and had that serious face , I really started to get it . The doctor came in . He said it . He said , " I 'm sorry , but the baby is gone . He has died . " . Everything sort of shifted , changed , it couldn 't be true . I had to be alone and absorb it . I didn 't cry . The doctor suggested waiting until Monday to induce , he said it might be healing to come to terms with it first , that I could have a weekend to deal with it . I just agreed . Now , looking back , I think that was prolonging the agony , and honestly , walking around for those days just knowing that I had a dead baby inside me , it was too much . The doctor asked me if I was okay to drive , if I needed help getting home or if I should call someone . I said I was fine . I even stopped on the way home and had poor Abigail , who was with me on what was supposed to be a quick dr . visit and a shopping trip day , I had her run into the dollar store to get some treats for the kids . From the parking lot I called Kim and asked her to call people for me . Home . I had to tell Paul . I snagged him as he walked in from work , brought him into our room . Then I lost it . I decided right there not to pretend to be brave or strong . Just to cry , to make it okay for the kids to cry . I needed to be with them , and I couldn 't stop the tears , so I went into the living room and sat on the couch , and hugged them , and I cried . TheHe was right . They did . It was a hard summer , I stayed up all night with Benjamin and watched the Yankees , me who had never liked baseball . I was in a fog . As you probably know by now , Jonathan Robert was born the following year , on April 30th . There couldn 't have ever been a baby on earth more special and more welcome than him . He cried when he was born . So did we . Yesterday Benjamin texted me that Ashley hadn 't been feeling the baby move . Oh dear Lord , I couldn 't bear it . I didn 't want him to know how panicked I felt . Perhaps more so because I have been thinking so much about Robert lately , being this time of year and all . I told him to take her to the hospital and to be checked out . Then he texted me and said All Is Good , Baby Is Kicking . And I cried . Happy tears . Going through a loss like that is hard enough , but to imagine your child suffering a loss like that . . . And now I will go on with my day . Paul didn 't remember that today is Robert 's " birthday " , nor do the kids . That 's okay . I wish I didn 't remember , but I do . Posted by Okay . I want to quit my job and become a professional field trip chaperone . I don 't know why the day was so pleasant . It could have been the 70 degree low humidity day , full of sunshine and gentle breezes . It could have been that I rode there with my sister - in - law Kim , we sipped our coffees and the ride there went by too fast . But most likely it was because first graders are just so innocent still . The little girls in my group loved me . Seriously . They both wanted to hold my hand , and they trusted me . One of the girls was afraid of part of the zoo , where it is dark and the reptiles and fish are . She stopped dead in her tracks and said she didn 't want to go in there . So we didn 't . Later , after we saw the ellie - phants and tigers and wolves and penguins , I suggested she wait with one of the other moms while I took the rest of the group in the dark part . . . she decided she would come with us . She gripped my hand and she was not kidding about being hesitant . I encouraged her each step of the way , and told her I would stay right with her . . . . she did fine , and when we walked back out into the sunshine , I praised her to the skies for being so brave . She is a sweetheart . And guess what ? Her daddy is in jail : ( I was home for only a few hours when I had to leave again to volunteer at the baseball game concession stand . Let 's just say it was also too much fun . It was a beautiful night for baseball ! I didn 't get to watch much of the game , but the customers were mostly cheerful , and the people I worked with are some of the best people on this earth , my daughter Emily and my nieces Susan , ( and her husband Thomas ) , my niece Becky and my niece Audrey , and some other really good kids from our youth group at church . It isn 't really like working , although my knees kill after standing on that cement floor for all those hours . At ten - ish o ' clock at night , the stand closed and we were free to go . . . . I headed to the airport to pick up Paul . His flight was coming in at 11 : 30 . I had a bit of time to kill , so I went to one of my favorite places , a grocery store . Cherries and plums and chicken , and some treats for the kids . . . I wandered up and down the aisles of the mostly empty store , just thinking and looking forward to seeing Paul . However , there was a mom there who would have been almost hilarious if it wasn 't so sad , the way she was screeching at her two little girls . The little girls were skipping around and looking at things . They seemed to have a pattern . When the mom wanted them to come to her , she screamed that they better Come Here Right Now Or Else . Do You Want To Go Sit In The Car ? You Ain 't Coming With Me No More . Yous Can 't Behave Yourselves . Now , the interesting thing was that these girls were smiling and skipping , they weren 't in the least bit distressed about the way Mommy talked to them . Par for the course , I think . It was the way they worked . I found it fascinating . Miss Charlotte Claire with Camille . . . notice the nice purse Char has . . . it is mine . I didn 't get suspicious at all when she asked me if she could bring my purse out . Or when she insisted she hold it for the picture . Or when she wouldn 't give it to me on the way to the school for the graduation . Then the giggling started between those two girls . We Are Up To Something kind of giggling . So I asked for my purse , since they had it between them . I thought they were breaking the handles or sneaking gum . As Char handed it to me , she said , " We did something bad . " Yup , out popped the kitten . They brought that kitten in my purse , to kindergarten graduation . He waited in the car with the windows cracked , good thing it was a cool - ish evening . Camille with her cousin Sean , Tom 's youngest . The matching lavender was a total coincidence , but they certainly looked sweet together . Sean didn 't really want his picture taken though . . . . REALLY random , Samuel - my soldier son . He is all signed up for the Army . But he was just " playing " here . . . in Benjamin 's old uniform , playing with his airsoft gun . Aaron , 20 , wondering why I was snapping his picture . Joseph , 22 . He has the same shirt on as Aaron had in the pic I put up of him . I don 't know if I put any pictures here of Joe since he got this slick new hair cut . . . he looks like a different kid . Today I went to the small city all by myself . To the dollar store ( bags of pretzel M & M 's , 6 pack of NatureValley strawberry and oat granola bars , a collar for Suri , since she chewed up her old one . again . ) Then to the thrift store for half - off Wednesday . I found a few things to maybe sell on ebay . " The Divine Secrets Of The Ya - Ya Sisterhood " for Abigail to read when she has her knee surgery next month . Random stuff , lots of it , for only fifteen dollars : ) Then to the grocery store on the other side of town . . . they have Friendly 's ice cream for Buy Two Get Three Free . So five cartons of ice cream for ten bucks . Plus , they have ice cream bars / fudge bars for the same deal , with coupons on the boxes , so they were five boxes for 8 dollars . Just what we need , you might say . They also had fresh chicken thighs and drumsticks for 80 cents a pound . . . I also got some cherries and grapes and plums and peaches and a watermelon . And romaine and kitten chow and milk and frozen veggies . Tomorrow I shall go to the pool , pick Margaret up from her state test , then stay home . The three little ones are all sleeping in my room . It is so cozy to tuck them in then lie in my cozy bed and read from that , " Little House " book . Posted by It 's hard to get enough sleep around here for someone as nosey as me . I do not like to miss anything . So I stay up with the high school kids who are done with high school for the year , and the college kids who are done with college . They sleep in as long as they please , and I get up early to get the other kids ready for school . Today was a Running Around Day . From the pool to the 3rd grade picnic to driving to and from state tests to picking Sam up from his orientation for his summer job at the school . . . . busy . Dinner was good : roasted chicken , small potatoes with pepper and olive oil , zucchini , and broccoli . The oven was too high , or perhaps the chicken was just in there for too long , because it burned . But we ate it anyway , it tasted like chicken jerky . Since I am so nice , I am letting Jonathan , Charlotte Claire , and Camille sleep in my room tonight . They are all tucked in and quiet , I read two chapters of , " Little House On The Prairie " to them while they were all cuddled in . Then they said their prayers and we talked . . . Now the small kids are sleeping , and the older kids are home from the youth meeting . Mirielle has gone to town for a movie from Redbox . I can tell this is going to be a fun summer : ) Trying not to eat when these guys eat their fourth meal of the day is proving to be very difficult . There is cheese on chips being eaten , chocolate pizzelles , sandwiches . . . . and now the bag of peanut butter M & M 's . And the movie hasn 't even started yet . I think I will put a piece of mint gum in my mouth . rrr . I listed three things on ebay tonight , finally . We are fundraising for church . Never a dull moment , I tell you . Paul is very busy in Lousiana . He worked until midnight last night and is very busy tonight too . I guess he isn 't doing much sightseeing . Oh dang , now they have ice cream out . Samuel , Margaret , Kathryn , Aaron , and Mirielle . . . . . we went out and about today . As I picked out produce , I did hear one of the kids exclaim , " Donuts ! " yeah , the bakery is there right near the pears and carrots . It 's all I can smell when I enter the store , dang it . The donuts were on sale , so I said to go ahead and get some . I didn 't have one single bite . rrr . I LOVE donuts . This is me with my , " Why am I buying a coconut " face . I didn 't want to put this one up , since it is a pretty good shot of my tummy , but hey , it 's what I look like . Lots of work to do still . I have been going to that pool religiously , working out three days a week on top of that , walking when I can . . . . and TRYING to stop nibbling things I know I shouldn 't . Last night , movie night with the big kids : popcorn AND coconut M & M 's . ugh . After a very decent day , too . I just can 't handle it , my metabolism is shot , if I eat anything extra , pounds go on quickly . So . . . . I have my work cut out for me . The weather was perfect for a baseball game , I would rather have sat in the bleachers and watched . . . but we volunteer at the concession stand for our church . Kim and I managed to sneak away after the game for a little dinner out , and had a darned good time of it . But . When I got home and learned that Emily and Abigail , plus two of Sonja 's friends and one of Joseph 's friends came for dinner ( burgers on the grill , salad , fries , watermelon ) , I felt like I had really missed out . Paul made it to Louisiana , it was 98 degrees there when he got there . I miss him . More than I thought I would : ) Posted by Tomorrow will prob be too busy to write . . . I am taking Paul to the airport at 4 : 30 am . Then working at the baseball game concession stand in the afternoon . We sell deep - fried chicken tenders , chicken sandwiches , fries , fried dough . Beer . Soda . Candy , nuts . All the healthy stuff . We do it as a volunteer job for church , and it is kind of fun . My knees ache by the time the game is over , standing on a concrete floor does that to me . Our new swimming pool is still sitting there in the boxes in the driveway , 486 pounds of pool , not including the liner which shipped separately . Our old dead pool is still standing in the backyard waiting to be disassembled . Hopefully we can get moving on taking it down , then begin the daunting process of putting up the new one . Paul grilled burgers for dinner , and made a salad . I made three pepperoni pizzas . Dessert : a fireball for me . I LOVE them . I was tempted to eat some caramel creams , but decided to resist . I need to get that strong resistance back , the stuff I could have bottled and sold for a million bucks , way back when I first began this new lifestyle change . I realize that I have to stick to my guns , be strict with myself , say NO even when everyone else is saying yes . So I will be all by my lonesome in the parenting department for the week . In a way I hate when Paul leaves , but in a way I like it . I like leaving the light on and reading until I fall asleep . I like hogging the whole bed , yet I miss that he 's not there . I like feeling like we can just eat pancakes for dinner , but guess what , I don 't eat pancakes anymore . Anyway . He has to go pack , and I have to go to bed early so I can get up at four to drive him . Right now there are lots of kids up and about , eight in the living room right now . It is too busy to write . Jonathan is asking what " local " means . Is McDonald 's " local " ? , he is asking . I cannot write when it is busy in here . So bye for now . . . . Posted by I always knew the day would come when I would have to do my job , I just never knew exactly when that time would be . While deployed in Afghanistan , I was attached to the battalion mortar platoon as their medic . I am a medic , but as the Army goes I am infantry until something goes wrong . Finally came the day when I was tested . . As cynical as it sounds , I was looking forward to it happening . I had been training for over two years and I wanted to put my skills to work . I would 've liked for it to have been on a local national , or at least someone I didn 't know personally , but beggers can 't be choosers . At 5 am , we started walking . Sgt Reynolds and his squad took point . While making our way to the village , Sgt Reynolds found the first IED ( improvised explosive device ) of the day . He called it up on the radio . EOD ( explosive ordinance disposal ) moved to his position and blew the IED in place . We soon continued to push forward , and shortly after Sgt Reynolds found another IED , and then another . He found a total of four IEDs , and then it happened . I had climbed over a wall and was helping Pfc Dyal over that same wall . As the medic , I walked in the back with the platoon sergeant , SFC Harvel . Then I heard it . I knew the explosion hadn 't been trigged by EOD , therefore I knew it wasn 't good . Everything slowed down . In the distance I heard Pfc Chebahtah yell " Sgt Reynolds is hit , Sgt Reynolds is hit ! " . Immediately Sfc Harvel and I ran toward the front of our formation where Sgt Reynolds and his squad were . At the same time we were moving up front , the other three squads in my platoon faced off in different directions and started pulling security . Practice did make perfect . I made it about 10 meters away from Sgt Reynolds , and I could see his head poking out of the brush . He had been blown off the grape row . It was as if he was sitting on the side of it with his legs buried in the shrubs . Pfc Szaro grabbed my arm and I 'll never forget the look ; the definiton of shock on his 18 year old face as he yelled to me " You have to save him Doc ! " . That 's when reality hit , I had a job to do . My intention was to run directly to Sgt Reynolds , but Sfc Harvel grabbed me . Another member of my platoon cleared up to Sgt Reynolds first , to make sure there were no secondary IEDs . The only thing worse than one casualty is multiple casualties . Seconds seemed like hours , and the whole time Sgt Reynolds was screaming . Finally it was safe and I made my way up to him . Instinctively , he grabbed my arm and was yelling for medication , but that wasn 't first on my list of priorities , I had to stop the bleeding . I told him he was fine , and asked him where he was hurt . He responded with movement , and this I 'll never forget . Sgt Reynolds reached down , grabbed his left pant leg , and pulled up out of the brush a leg that had been blow apart and just looked at me . Where a shin and a boot should have been was a bloody leg and a heel . Training kicked in . I grabbed a tourniquet and tightened it as fast as I could around his quadricep . After , I gave him a fentanyl lollipop to help subdue the pain . Then , eight members of the platoon hoisted Sgt Reynolds up , and moved in back about 50 meters to where the landing zone was . It was remarkable to me how much muscle memory played a part in my treatment . I felt as if I was floating in the sky watching my body work . I quickly assessed the rest of his body for injuries , and found one . He had deep lacerations to his opposite thigh , so I applied a second tourniquet . During the whole process I was trying to keep him calm , despite his justified worries of how he would ever drive his truck or play baseball with his daughter again . Finally came the sound we had all been waiting for . The whipping of the rotars that announced the arrival of the helicopter . The dust filled our vision , and then disappeared , bringing to view a medevac bird waiting to bring Sgt Reynolds to safety . As quick as it had landed , it was loaded and in the sky again . After the tragedy , I , along with every other member of my platoon I 'm sure , wanted to sit and come to terms with what had just happened . That 's not how it works . We still had a job to do . We continued on with the mission , and cleared the rest of the village . We found three more IEDs , thankfully without any more incidents . We then made it back to our trucks , and successfully completed our mission . That was the day that I never wanted , but always , wanted to come . That 's the day that makes me thankful when I put on two shoes . Thankful when I wake up to work , even if it is 4 : 30 in the morning . Now I always have something I can look back on and be proud of . If I am feeling down , I just look at my hands and think to myself " these hands brought a father back home to his daughter " , and I start to feel better . Sgt Reynolds holds strong , and I think he just may be happier now than he was . He drives his truck , plays with his daughter , and sends me pictures of himself getting his leg " ran over " or " shut in a door " . That is inspiration at its finest , and it just goes to show me ; life is all about how you take it . Today is my favorite kind of day . Rainy . Cloudy . Chilly . Dark . I just want to go get in bed with a book . But . I am going to be good and go to the pool . Last night after the little kids were all tucked into bed , Aaron and Joseph proposed we open one of the bottles of wine we brought back from our little weekend away . Neither Mirielle nor Mali care for wine , but sat here talking with us , along with Evelyn and Samuel . We ended up eating some chocolate too . Midnight is too late to head off to bed when one has to get up at 6 : 30 to get kids off to school . I was in the middle of good dreams this morning ! Every time I closed my eyes again , I was dreaming again . Dang it was hard to get up . Even after I left my cozy bed and was in the bathroom , I was thinking that perhaps all the kids could skip school and I could get back in bed . Times like those , those spontaneous good times with the kids : totally worth being tired the next day . Twitter : I am not on it . My kids tweet things all the time . One of the things they tweet is , " sh $ t Mom says " , and I know when I say something stupid and one of them will grab their phone with a smirk on their face . . . one of the other things is , " first world probs " , which is as thought - provoking as it is funny . Having to get a new pool is a prime example . " we don 't have any bacon " , " my pictures take too long to load " , and " there are no good movies out " are pretty big problems too . Now life is busy . There are things to be done . We don 't have time to stop and smell the roses . To do so when there are things to be done would be irresponsible ! Anyway . This morning Miss Suri pooped in the living room again . Three lovely piles . ( Isn 't " pile " a disgusting word ? It certainly describes a small mountain of doggy poo perfectly , thought doesn 't it ? ) Anyway . The piles were little islands in the lake of pee she did . Sopping up the pee , cleaning up the islands , which I covered in , " Love My Carpet " first . Baby powder works well too . blah . Sorry , is this too much info ? Well , I finished up this very unwelcome task , all the while giving Miss Suri looks that kill , while she avoided eye - contact and shifted her head around on her paws . She KNOWS not to do this in the house . I think her tummy has been upset for a few days , or perhaps she isn 't ready to transition from puppy chow yet . Anyway . I get finished , and decide to check under one of the toy bins , and yup , there is another pile . Under the bin . How in the heck ? Now , I know it is futile to try to find out Who Put The Waffleblocks On The Dog Poop , it is like trying to find out Who Opened The Cookies or Who Left Their Socks On The Couch . NO ONE DID . so I won 't even ask . I just cleaned it up . It took like 25 minutes to get it all clean . . . . so much for my babies growing up and not having messes anymore . This birthday kitten of Suri 's ? He is wonderful . I call him , " Scoop " because I scoop him up off the floor like fifty times a day . He is irresistable . He purrs each and every single time I scoop him up . He is sitting with me right now , purring and purring . He is cuddly , and hilarious . He is definitely a people - kitty . He thinks Suri is his mother , which is really wierd . He actually tries to nurse from her . He totally latches on , I disconnect him and send him scooting on his way when I catch him , but Suri doesn 't care at all . So the college kids are done and have been here during the day , totally messing up my alone - ness . I don 't mind , but I find it hard to write when there is talking and coffee brewing and comings - and - goings . Mirielle accompanied me to the pool this morning . Our swim was cut short by the announcement that there would be a fire drill at ten o ' clock . I had to make sure I showered and got dressed before then . . . I couldn 't just go out in my suit and towel , my kids go to school there ! Anyway . I came home and tried the latest coffee : coconut . Not bad at all . I also toasted some unsweetened coconut with some sliced almonds , to go on my oats and peanutbutter . Super - yummy . I have to pick Samuel up from P . T . today . He is in the Army now , and has to work out with the Sgt . and other young kids who have signed up but not gone to boot camp yet , each and every Wednesday . Sam has his driving permit , but not his license yet . So to the small city I will go . My sis - in - law also has to go to the small city today , so we are planning to go together and stop at the thrift store for Half - Price Wednesday . She also has some coupons : ) Part of our new swimming pool arrived today in two boxes . Oh yay . Our dead one is being drained . Last night I watered some melons and squash with the water we are pumping out of it . When it is empty , we will just take it down and put the new one up . Sounds easy ! But . Our older kids signed up to work out at the church on Saturday , or at the baseball game Saturday afternoon . Paul and I can 't do it by ourselves ! Plus he has to be at the airport by like five a . m . on Sunday , he is going to Louisiana for a week for work . Plus , it is supposed to rain on Friday and Saturday . I am thinking our pool won 't be going up so quickly . . . . . Did I mention that Suzanne found a money - clip full of money in the Price - Chopper parking lot the other day ? She asked what we should do with it , and we all agreed to bring it in to the service desk in the store immediately . . . . after we did that , we all had lots of ideas of what we could have spent it on , but thought we did the right thing . I called the store later , and sure enough , a man called in and claimed it . We did the right thing , and it was a good example for the girls . Keeping something like that would not result in ME sleeping at night . I didn 't do my usual housework this morning because of the doggy - doo clean - up party I attended in the east end of the living room , so I have things to do this fine morn . I have no idea what is for dinner , although I can tell you what we had last night : I marinated some thinly sliced boneless pork in lemon pepper , added some Montreal steak seasoning , grilled it up outide . . . . steamed peas . . . and a pot of Kraft mac & cheese . I had like a tablespoon , and it was yum . I don 't even consider it food , seriously . But it was on special , three boxes for 99cents . Evelyn cooked those three boxes and the kids really really liked it . The three youngest kids came in from their rollerskating outing at the park with Emily , and the pot was empty . They had bagels , peas , and the pork chops for dinner : ) I always count the kids and figure out where they all are . Sometimes there are ten kids at the dinner table like last night , and I had to figure out where the other six were . ( Emily : park . Abigail : her house . Ben : WA in the Army . Jonathan : park with Em . Char : park with Em . Camille : park with Em . ) oops . So . . . there are things to do around here and they aren 't going to get done with me sitting here in the comfy chair with Scoop . Posted by Possibly re - vivable , but we threw in the towel and declared it dead . It has rusted through so the liner is peeking out in a few places . If we drain it , pull the liner out of the cracks , patch them up , where will it peek out next ? Will it end up like one of those pools that collapse on , " America 's Funniest Home Videos " ? We are not going to take that chance . Paul is ordering a new one today , I think . I spent a good part of yesterday researching and pricing pools online . The new one will be only 27 ft . around , the dead one is 28 . We got that pool 18 years ago . . . . the summer I turned 30 . I was 8 months pregnant for Samuel , our eighth child . Emily Anne was 10 , Abigail Marie 8 , Benjamin Paul 6 , Mirielle Joy 5 , Joseph Michael 4 , Aaron Royce 2 and a half , and Mali Rose was 16 months old . It was so exciting ! We were so eager to try it out , we got in before the ladder was secured . Paul held it in place . Well . He didn 't quite anticipate how hard it would be to hold it for me , being so big and preggie . . . . . I lost my balance and fell backwards off that ladder , landing with a thump , flat on my back . The wind was knocked out of me and I thought I was going to die . Then I thought of the baby and was scared to death . When I was able to get up , I called the dr . It was a Friday night , and he said just to sit tight , if the baby was still moving around then everything was probably fine . It was . Samuel was born just a few weeks later , all healthy and robust . Sitting in the shade enjoying the breeze . . . 93 degrees out , and humid . I was waiting for Paul . . . . he walked the almost two miles uphill to get the truck . . . I had walked down to the winefest , but was feeling awful . No , not too much wine , although I did taste some : ) I think it was the cinnamon bun , and the heat , maybe not enough water , but I felt awful . So I waited in the shade . . . took some " selfies " , mostly to see what my hair looked like . . I had started out with it down , and looking all nice , then it got so hot that I clipped it up . . . the dumpy bathroom at the park had nary a mirror in it , so I felt like it was sticking up everywhere . I asked Paul how my hair looked and he just said , " fine " . I sat under this nice maple tree . I was so very thankful that Paul was going up to our campsite and driving back for me . . . it was too hot for walking down highways and up hills . He is too nice . We got back to camp , and Paul suggested a walk up the falls . Now , this requires steps . Hundreds of steps . I already complained about these steps last year , but I will re - hash the pain . Stairs and steps and more steps . Anyway . . . we hiked the falls twice . On Saturday , then again Sunday morning . I have lots of mental baggage about doing things like this . I may be 60 + pounds lighter than I was a few years ago , but my mind hasn 't caught up with that yet sometimes . I had already walked too far on Saturday , I told myself . A hike ? But it was so hot out , and being near the falls is cool , and refreshing . And hot and sweaty . When we were done , I felt like I had run a marathon , whatever that feels like , I was totally drenched . I realized on the way down that I can do more than I think I can . Hundreds of steps , I tell you . Hundreds . We went to town for ice cream , and walked down Main street . I slept like a baby last night . A good baby , one like I never really had , the kind that just settles in and sleeps . In a tent , on an airmattress . So this morning , Paul says , " Let 's hike the other half of the falls . " Oh . Um . Sure . I would love to . But that niggling voice in the back of my mind started screaming how I could never do that ! No , too much , it said . We went . First we had our relaxing breakfast of scrambled eggs and sausage and coffee . . . . then packed up and said goodbye to our campsite . . . After our hike , we headed for day number two at the wine and food festival . It was slightly cooler today , 86 degrees . More breezy on the lake , so it felt better . There were less people there , too . We still had plenty of food tickets to use , so I had some homemade ice cream . Rum Raisin and Peppermint Patti , which was a chocolate - mint ice cream with Junior Mints in it . Oh heavenly yumminess . I had some wine samples , really liked the Rieslings , but some of the sweeter wines were good too , like the Niagra - so grape - y ! Anyway , we sat in the shade for a bit , and I told Paul I felt like I had died and went to heaven . Homemade ice cream , wine , being with him . He couldn 't taste any today because he had to drive , but we managed to pick out six bottles to buy and bring home . One kind is a rasberry - ish , and has to be had with chocolate , preferably dark chocolate . The winery rep actually handed out chocolate with the samples , and I knew I had to have that wine . Emily came over tonight after work , so we had some . . . she thought it was quite yummy too . So . . . . home to find out the kids had invited some boys from church over for dinner . All I wanted to do was put my feets up and unpack my bags and talk to the kids . . . but I grilled some steaks , Mirielle had ordered pizza , Aaron made a salad . It ended up being a really nice time . I missed my kids this weekend , but totally enjoyed the down - time , the time spent with Paul . Oh , how I love to just sit and think thoughts without being interrupted . I love to talk with Paul without being interrupted . I love to walk along holding his hand , and just enjoy being with him . It is still strange to fix just two plates of food ( he fixed mine this morning ) . But now we are back to reality . Back to Evelyn demanding a trip to the library . Suzanne needs undershirts . The little girls needed showers and stories and Sonja needed a lunch packed for her field trip tomorrow . And I need to get back on track with eating right . We packed our own food for the weekend , ate chicken and veggies for dinners , and eggs aSo . Back to eating right . No more wine , no more treats . I did get my exercise this weekend , but I think I negated it with all the yummies . But one only lives once , and I truly enjoyed it all . Tomorrow is another day , and tomorrow I will behave . And the sooner I get to bed , the happier I will be when it is time to get out of that bed in the morning . I am a stay at home mom with 16 kids , no twins , Army mom , wife to Paul ( still crazy about him ! ! ! ) . . . 8 kids are still at home . . . . the kids : Emily 31 , Abigail 30 , Benjamin 28 ( his wife Ashley and our granddaughter Anya 3 ) , Mariel 26 , Joseph 25 , Aaron 24 , MollyRose 22 ( and granddaughter Lydia , 1 ) , Samuel 21 , Margaret 20 ( and son - in - law Adrian ! ) , Kathryn 18 , Evelyn 17 , Suzanne 15 , Sonja 14 , Jonathan 12 , Charlotte Claire 10 , and Camille 9 . 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We are putting up our pool . The sides are up now , the side posts are fastened to the bottom rails . . . now we have to get more sand before we can put the liner in , which isn 't cool , because the sand place isn 't open on Sunday . I hope we don 't get strong wind and rain , or that pool is going to buckle . And it has been so much work ! Unrolling the side panel of a 27 ft . pool : almost impossible . It is so heavy ! Unrolling it and placing it into the bottom rail without taking any toes off any feet : we did it ! So what did I do today ? Walked in the morning , swept , cleaned under some living room furniture that I didn 't get to yesterday ( I don 't know why , but the living room just feel so much cleaner when I know it 's clean under the couches ) , did some laundry , helped with the pool , made dinner ( boneless chicken thighs baked in Buffalo hot sauce , chicken nugget strips baked with Sweet Baby Ray 's bbq sauce , frozen pizza , and leftover home - made pizza re - heated , green beans ) I only had a few thin strips of pizza , just a few tastes . Then I had some French bread croutons dipped in the Buffalo sauce , dang it they were so good . They keep busy all day . They dressed up in frilly dresses and danced and had a pretend wedding . Camille asked , " Mama , what does I Thee Wed mean ? " . They played outside in their Little Tikes houses , which they now want to paint , thanks to Martha , who posted some cool ideas on facebook : ) . They tried to ride their bikes , they played on the swingset . They helped put up the pool , minimally , but they romped around happily in the wet sand . Margaret went to play with and help with the twins and William . Joseph , Aaron , and Samuel have been working until late at night each day on a tiling job for a church fundraiser . Mirielle is working at the baseball game in the city . Only 8 kids were at the dinner table , and one of those is my niece Olivia . Did I mention that I love summer ? Just the unstructured hours to while away . The luxury of knowing that if we want to do something , we can . The dog is lying on the couch next to Paul , snoring , and the kitten is lying across my arms purring . He is the nicest little thing . Right now I am going to get up from my comfy chair and make some popcorn for some kids . Posted by Mali Rose came upon an accident yesterday , or rather was right behind one . The car in front of her was smashed into by a truck that took off immediately following the crash . The car rolled over and a boy was ejected . Mali saw the whole thing . She stopped and went to the boy , who was lying in a field . He wasn 't breathing . Mali has had one year of nursing school , so she did CPR . She saved this boy 's life . We hope . He had a head injury . . . she tried to hold tissues on his head to stop it . . . . she left when the ambulance got there , so we don 't know how he is , but I like to think she saved him . She called the police when she got home to make sure they got a description of the vehicle that left the scene of the accident . And that 's all I have time for this morning . I just got back from the pool , and have to wake Jonathan and take the truck for oil change and inspection . . . . Jonathan and I will have breakfast at the diner while we wait . Then off we go to pick up a bike for Charlotte Claire , from craigslist . This afternoon Paul and I are working at the baseball game . For years and years I was pregnant and nursing and busy and didn 't even consider giving blood . Paul has always been a regular donor , and Emily has done pretty well giving too . I have only done it once so far , in these years of relative calm , now that my youngest is five years old . . . . and it wasn 't too bad . Getting my fingers pricked to test for iron levels was the absolute worst part , although I wasn 't too big on climbing on to the unstable - feeling portable cot . Getting the needle in my arm was nothing compared to worrying about how I was going to get back up OFF that portable cot , which didn 't turn out to be that terrible . That day , Mirielle didn 't fare too well . We were all done giving blood , sitting happily at the after - snack table , choosing some animal crackers and juice , and I looked over at her . . . uh oh ! She was pretty gray . And , she was going down ! A nice nurse named Carlos came to save her , got her lying down and relaxing for a bit . It wasn 't really funny , but . . . Anyway , she is such a trooper , she still gives blood even though that sort of thing always happens to her . Today , she and Margaret are going with me to Paul 's work to donate . Margaret is only 16 , and hasn 't given before . She asked me what it was bad , and I said , " Margaret , I have had 17 kids . Giving blood is nothing . " ha . I explained that the first thing that 's done when one gets admitted to the hospital is that visit from phlebotomy . . . and that was always the least of my worries . Anyway , I told her it is no big deal . Just a little prick , and a few minutes to lie back and relax . I do try not to look though : ) Last night I took a nice long walk with two friends , which was really enjoyable . Talking and walking makes it go fast . This morning I made it to the pool again , too . Half an hour of swimming and treading water . Oh my goodness we had some fun yesterday . I was planning on going out and about , or oot and aboot , as Jonathan says . The little kids seemed to want to get out . . . but by the time I got ready to go , they were so happily playing , they decided not to go . Jon was playing cards with Evelyn , who is the world 's best babysitter ( she made them Ramen noodles for lunch ) . The little girls were totally engrossed in playing Barbies , their whole room was set up . So I went with Mirielle , Margaret , Kathryn , Suzanne , and cousin Olivia . First stop : Timmy Ho 's . I have decided I like iced coffee , so I ordered a large with sugar - free caramel and cream . By the time we ordered all six drinks , we were silly . The kid was handing Marg ( yeah , she was driving . That is a whole other story . ) the drinks as she passed them back to Mirielle with her other hand . . . she was saying to Mirielle , " um , come on , come on ! " , trying to get her to take the drinks quicker . . . the drive - through guy thought she was talking to him , it was too funny . Plus , I blew my straw wrapper at Margaret , well , in her general direction , it hit the drive - through window just as he was opening it again to give us another drink . That was also too funny . Margaret declared that we are never going there again , as we drove away laughing . Yeah , my 9th child is driving . She is an excellent driver . The last few times we went out , I hardly had to tell her anything , and best of all , here and there I would actually relax and forget to be scared for my life . 4 . Camille was up with the birds , all excited to show me how she can now play , " Hot Cross Buns " on the piano , while Charlotte Claire exclaimed that it was an easy song with just a few notes . The two of them have such a love / hate relationship , competitive but still friends . 5 . Jonathan and Charlotte Claire each lost a tooth the other day . They waited a few day for our forgetful toothfairy to get her act together . . . and when that toothfairy finally borrowed some dollars from Margaret ( they got $ 2 each , which is high , but the toothfairy felt guilty ) . . . . Miss Camille started trying to pull out a tooth . She really wants some money . 6 . The kids like saving money . Camille suggested to Char that they pool their money . She said , " With your $ 88 and my $ 14 , and the two dollars Mom owes you and the one dollar she owes me , we would have one hundred five dollars ! " I asked her how she figured that out , she said , " I used all my fingers and toes . " 7 . Camille told me this morning that there are two Gods . One that hears our prayers from the sky , and one that people say , " Oh my God ! " about . 8 . Last night I told the little girls a bedtime story about a little girl who didn 't get on the bus , she sneaked in the back door and climbed back in bed . Her mama didn 't know it , and left for the day . Little girl at home got out all the playdough , painted pictures and tacked them to the kitchen walls , put markers on all her dolls for make - up , trimmed up their hair , burned toast , dropped the gallon of milk , and flushed a hotdog that didn 't taste good not cooked , down the toilet which backed it up . . . . she tried to be a good girl and empty the kitty litter , but she tripped and dropped it into Mama 's chair . . . I was telling this story , and all of the sudden Camille burst into tears , sobbing and sobbing . She said she did not like that story , did not like that Mama had to clean up all those messes . It was too cute . I told her it wasn 't really true . . . . but she said , " It makes me sad , Mama ! " Okay , bit of truth here : sometimes these three youngest kids almost drive me crazy . They get silly and sillier , they make huge messes , they argue and bug each other , they fight and come crying to me about it . Jonathan is mostly the peacemaker , but he can get really really silly too . The two princesses are very slappy with each other , mostly Char slaps Camille , Camille gets brokenhearted . Admitting this by no means indicates that I love them any less . In fact , some of their fights are absolutely hilarious . I try not to intervene so much because I think Least Said Soonest Mended , plus it is normal sibling behavior and they usually figure things out . Although I do make the one who hit the other sit in a chair until there is an apology , and sometimes a bit longer if the apology is just so ingenuine and the child needs a few minutes to gather herself . Notice I said , " herself " . That 's because Jon doesn 't hit . He mostly gets mad when his sisters smack when eating , or lick their fingers . And sometimes they just think it is good fun to bug each other . Recreational bugging . Sonja and Jon are experts at it . Now , I know how fast kids grow up . In fact , I just told these three to , " stop bugging each other , just grow up ! " But I didn 't really mean it . I don 't want them to grow up too fast . Even if they are loud and crazy sometimes . Today I am going to get these guys to clean up their rooms a bit . . . then take them to Movie Night at church tonight . Aaron worked all day yesterday doing a tiling job for a fundraiser for church . He got home after 10 pm . He left again this morning , early . Sam worked all day at the school , then went and worked with Aaron , cutting tile and cleaning up . He had a long day , but was very positive about it . They will be working like that until the job is finished , hopefully this weekend . So I went to the pool this morning , yay . I am re - starting this healthy lifestyle , again , for the fiftieth time . But guess what ? It ain 't over ' til it 's over , and I am not giving up . I went from being 100 % serious to just mainPosted by Hot and humid . We packed up and went to the pool at our church for a few hours . I walked TWICE today , too . And , I ate good , all day long ! Now , one should by all rights lose at least fifty pounds for a day like today : ) I grilled 12 pounds of chicken breast tenders on the grill . They marinated overnight in garlic herb , so they were really yummy . Let 's see . I read some of my book when we got back from swimming . I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher , washed a few loads of clothes , swept the floor , listened to the little girls read . . . can you believe they can both read now ? Did I get to sleep in a bit ? ha . I had to bring Samuel over to the school for his first day of work at his summer job , doing school maintenance . He worked there last year and they liked him so much they hired him again . He had to be there by 7 : 00 . . . so I had to get up at 6 : 30 . Now , that wouldn 't be bad if I hadn 't woken up at 3 : 30 to use the bathroom then struggled for a few hours to fall back to sleep . I hate when that happens . My brain won 't shut off , and I toss and turn . Last night , for example , I thought of writing a book . . . and realized that my biggest fear , which is that it would end up in the dollar store , wouldn 't be the end of the world . I could actually make it a goal , then if it happened I would be happy . Yeah , stupid things like that . My younger kids are saving up their money . Camille was sitting with me yesterday , doing some thinking . She suggested to Charlotte Claire that they pool their money . She said , " With your $ 88 and my $ 14 and the dollar Mom owes me and the $ 2 she owes you , we would have one hundred five dollars ! " When I asked her how she figured that out , she said , " I used all my fingers and toes . " ( Char said NO WAY , btw . ) The four youngest have had two sleepover nights in a row , where they all sleep on the floor in Sonja 's room . They stay up too late being too silly , then get up too early and start being silly again . I promised Evelyn a trip to the library today , and I have to remember to pick Sam up at 3 : 00 . He has a bike that works well , but I thought I would drive him for the first few days . He knows how to drive , and is ready to get his license , but then he will have to have a vehicle to drive . So getting rides from mom and biking are good for now . It is only five - ish miles . Did I mention that I took my suit and towel and swam for half an hour after I dropped Sam off this morning ? It was lovely . Yesterday my mother - in - law had a picnic at her house and invited us over . We brought Suri , who pooped in her driveway first thing . After that she was good though : ) She stuck around , and was friendly enough although she thought it was her job to bark at everyone when they got there . Anyway , it was nice to see Paul 's sister and brothers and their spouses . And a few of the cousins . 12 of my kids made it over . They pretty much took up the whole living room ( it was raining out . ) The lil ' kids are playing with stuffed animals and the real kitten right now . They made a pile of bears and put the kitty on it , he just snuggled up and went to sleep . He is a nice sort of kitty , always purring and when I sit down , he comes walking across the living room with that intent look , purring , ready to jump up and snuggle under my chin . I didn 't even really want a kitten , but he sure is nice to have around . He has us laughing with his antics , the way he runs and leaps up and attacks Suri , who just puts her head on her paws and sighs . Sometimes Suri holds kitty down and washes him , just like a mama . Replacing our pool is not fun . It is one foot smaller than the old one , so we have had to clear up the sand and move the bricks that the posts will rest on . When I say , " we " , I mean " Paul " , of course . I helped clear the sand , but he has done most of the hard work . And it has been so hot out there ! The older boys are supposed to do the remaining bricks today , then we will be ready to unroll that pool and put it in the track . Sounds easy , ha , I know it won 't be . We do have plans for the summer . On July 4th , Benjamin Paul will be coming home on leave ! We can 't wait to see him , and to see Ashley and her baby bump ! We have to have that pool set up and filled by then ! I am also planning to take the kids to see the new Monster 's Inc . movie , and take them to the children 's museum , and to the nice beach on Lake Ontario , and camping . The shifting demographics in our home still puzzle me . It 's like we have all these adults and big people , big kids , and then just a few little ones . Little ones are game for anything , they are all happy just to go Bye - Bye . The older ones , not so much . So summer is different than it used to be . Smaller groups with different interests go here and there . Emily is taking Kathryn 15 , Evelyn 13 , and Suzanne 12 , camping this week , up to the Adirondacks . Joseph , Aaron , and Samuel are going camping this weekend up there . Paul and I have to be home this weekend as we are working at the ballgame on Friday night . Camille is now playing , " Hot Cross Buns " on the little keyboard and changing the words . Kitty is beating up Suri . Nope , never a dull moment . Posted by Today is rather quiet . The older kids are all at a church youth conference . Paul and I are here with Sonja , Jonathan , Char , and Camille . The kids took the old pool down , now we are preparing the sand and ground to put up the new one , which is a foot smaller across . I am taking a little break , not that I am doing too much to help . . . . I shoveled some sand , but mostly am watching Paul . I think it is time to go help again though . . . . When I woke up this morning , my first thought was that I needn 't get up ! It 's vacation ! I thought of going to the pool , I thought of going on a walk . . . then I decided I would go on the hike Mirielle was going on , take the little girls , and join the older kids on that hike . I was pretty happy with that decision , getting ready to leave the comfy bed to get ready , when Jonathan knocked on my bedroom door . He had the phone , and was saying , " My mom is right here . " I raised my brows , and he shook his head . He didn 't know who it was . Well , it was Mali 's supervisor from McDonalds , her summer job , calling to say that she had fainted at work and was taken by ambulance to the big hospital in the big city . . . okay . Time to get out of bed , time to change my plans . I packed fruit , almonds , granola bars quick , and grabbed some coffee and a water bottle . Off I went down the highway , hoping it was nothing , and trying not to be too bummed about the change in plans . Man plans , God laughs . Life happens . It isn 't doing what we like that makes us happy , but being thankful for all things no matter what , that makes us happy . So I had lots of to think about as I drove towards the hospital . I tried not to worry , but found myself gripping that steering wheel . I don 't care for city driving no matter what , and cruising towards the emergency department can make anyone nervous . She is fine . We aren 't sure why she fainted . Her heart does have an extra little beat , but she has had that all checked out thoroughly a few years back . Her sugar levels were fine , blood pressure a bit low , and oxygen levels at only 86 % . She just broke out in a sweat , and down she went . She has had a terrible work schedule , and probably hasn 't been eating so wonderfully healthy . So I am not going to worry about it , not too much anyway . I had to button my sweater all up when I stopped to get gas so the people at the gas station wouldn 't know I had ice cream . Home . . . lovely sunny day . Margaret was making cupcakes with the princesses . Yesterday , we went to the beach . Sunshine and cool - ish weather , just lovely . I do love summer . How have I managed to keep up with this blog for almost six years ? My pictures won 't load , my computer is being stupid . I spent too much time last night trying to put some up of Miss Camille , green and blue kitty , and me . We don 't know who colored the white on the kitty so beautifully , no one will take credit . Today is a strange day . First day of summer vacay , and when I got up to drive Margaret to her final state test , and the house was quiet . The younger kids spent the night at Emily 's house last night . . . . home from the pool , and Mirielle was here . Breakfast , coffee , computer time . . . but now I have to go pick Marg up from that test , and go to the store . We are almost out of milk , have no paper towels , ect ect ect . . . we are going to the beach today . I will remember my camera , and hopefully I can figure out why the pictures won 't go up , I am thinking my camera card is shot . Last night I had a dream that Paul and I arrived in Jamaica for a vacation , and I had forgotten my suitcase . He suggested that I approach all the ladies there who are about my size and ask them each for an article of clothing to get me through . Um . Nightmare . Today as I walked up the path into the rec . center to swim , a lady stopped me and asked how I was feeling . I thought perhaps she had mistaken me for someone else . I don 't know her , but have certainly seen her around town , we live in a small community . I told her I was fine , then she said I was looking fantastic , like a new person . Oh okay , she was meaning that I had lost weight and must feel much better . It was a good reminder not to take for granted how much better I feel than a few years ago , especially because I really am trying to lose more weight . Now , I have no job . I talked about working at the school , even considered working part time at Dunkin Donuts or something , just for the social aspect of it . But I didn 't . And guess what ? I haven 't been bored or lonely . . . and I haven 't even come close to running out of things to do . This morning , for example , has been busy . I got the kids off to their half day of school , put in a load of towels , cleaned up the kitchen , cleaned up the pee that Suri did right near where the kids play dollhouse . . . the dollhouse stuff was out , of course , but only two people and one of their couches went swimming , I went to the pool , picked Margaret up from her state test . Now I am eating my breakfast and having coffee , quickly , because I am picking the kids up in half an hour . We 'll be home for about an hour , just enough time to give them lunch , and then off I go to the small city for dentist appointments for three of us . I will stop at a grocery store to stock up on fruits and veggies , and we are running low on milk , again . I am not complaining . When someone asks me if I work , I just say , " No . " On the way to the pool this morning , I was thinking about being so busy all the time . I thought , " I need a break . I hate being so busy . I can 't take it any more . " Then I remembered one of my worst fears , which is that I will have a debilitating stroke some day and end up in a wheelchair , unable to do anything and being a burden on my family . Not that I have thought this out or been worried about it . . . . but when I think about that , I am thankful to be able to get in the van and run here and there . Thankful that I CAN come home and make dinner . Even with big thoughts of thankfulness , I will still find those little grumbles . Oh , they are there . rrr . But I will fight with all my heart to stay in thankfulness . The grass is always greener , and instead of longing for a day with not much going on , I will work to be happy , come what may . Posted by I can 't just say that today is Robert 's birthday . Because he didn 't really have a birth . And his birthday was supposed to be in September , not in June . The day he was born was the saddest day of my life . Birth is supposed to be wonderous . Holding that baby for the first time is supposed to make the whole experience worth it . That baby skin , the fuzzy little head , the little mouth that knows what it wants , the eyes of that baby looking at Mama like he just knows who she is . And those little feet , oh kissable feet . I always unwrapped those babies from their swaddling to look at those little toes . But ten years ago today , it was a different story . . . one I have told before , but cannot help remembering . On Friday the 13th of June back in 2003 , I had a routine appointment with the baby doc . I had noticed that the baby wasn 't kicking much , but it was still moving around , I thought . At any rate , I seriously didn 't notice anything unusual . Perhaps because Margaret was 6 , Kathryn was 5 , Evelyn 3 and a half , Suzanne was 2 , and Sonja Kathleen was 13 months old . I did have my hands full . ( Emily was graduating from high school that week , Abigail was 16 , Benjamin 14 , Mirielle 13 , Joseph 12 , Aaron 10 , Mali Rose 9 , and Sam was 7 ) . Anyway . The midwife didn 't get a heartbeat , and I somehow didn 't panic . She suggested a sonogram , and I just wasn 't too worried . But when she rolled that doppler around and had that serious face , I really started to get it . The doctor came in . He said it . He said , " I 'm sorry , but the baby is gone . He has died . " . Everything sort of shifted , changed , it couldn 't be true . I had to be alone and absorb it . I didn 't cry . The doctor suggested waiting until Monday to induce , he said it might be healing to come to terms with it first , that I could have a weekend to deal with it . I just agreed . Now , looking back , I think that was prolonging the agony , and honestly , walking around for those days just knowing that I had a dead baby inside me , it was too much . The doctor asked me if I was okay to drive , if I needed help getting home or if I should call someone . I said I was fine . I even stopped on the way home and had poor Abigail , who was with me on what was supposed to be a quick dr . visit and a shopping trip day , I had her run into the dollar store to get some treats for the kids . From the parking lot I called Kim and asked her to call people for me . Home . I had to tell Paul . I snagged him as he walked in from work , brought him into our room . Then I lost it . I decided right there not to pretend to be brave or strong . Just to cry , to make it okay for the kids to cry . I needed to be with them , and I couldn 't stop the tears , so I went into the living room and sat on the couch , and hugged them , and I cried . TheHe was right . They did . It was a hard summer , I stayed up all night with Benjamin and watched the Yankees , me who had never liked baseball . I was in a fog . As you probably know by now , Jonathan Robert was born the following year , on April 30th . There couldn 't have ever been a baby on earth more special and more welcome than him . He cried when he was born . So did we . Yesterday Benjamin texted me that Ashley hadn 't been feeling the baby move . Oh dear Lord , I couldn 't bear it . I didn 't want him to know how panicked I felt . Perhaps more so because I have been thinking so much about Robert lately , being this time of year and all . I told him to take her to the hospital and to be checked out . Then he texted me and said All Is Good , Baby Is Kicking . And I cried . Happy tears . Going through a loss like that is hard enough , but to imagine your child suffering a loss like that . . . And now I will go on with my day . Paul didn 't remember that today is Robert 's " birthday " , nor do the kids . That 's okay . I wish I didn 't remember , but I do . Posted by Okay . I want to quit my job and become a professional field trip chaperone . I don 't know why the day was so pleasant . It could have been the 70 degree low humidity day , full of sunshine and gentle breezes . It could have been that I rode there with my sister - in - law Kim , we sipped our coffees and the ride there went by too fast . But most likely it was because first graders are just so innocent still . The little girls in my group loved me . Seriously . They both wanted to hold my hand , and they trusted me . One of the girls was afraid of part of the zoo , where it is dark and the reptiles and fish are . She stopped dead in her tracks and said she didn 't want to go in there . So we didn 't . Later , after we saw the ellie - phants and tigers and wolves and penguins , I suggested she wait with one of the other moms while I took the rest of the group in the dark part . . . she decided she would come with us . She gripped my hand and she was not kidding about being hesitant . I encouraged her each step of the way , and told her I would stay right with her . . . . she did fine , and when we walked back out into the sunshine , I praised her to the skies for being so brave . She is a sweetheart . And guess what ? Her daddy is in jail : ( I was home for only a few hours when I had to leave again to volunteer at the baseball game concession stand . Let 's just say it was also too much fun . It was a beautiful night for baseball ! I didn 't get to watch much of the game , but the customers were mostly cheerful , and the people I worked with are some of the best people on this earth , my daughter Emily and my nieces Susan , ( and her husband Thomas ) , my niece Becky and my niece Audrey , and some other really good kids from our youth group at church . It isn 't really like working , although my knees kill after standing on that cement floor for all those hours . At ten - ish o ' clock at night , the stand closed and we were free to go . . . . I headed to the airport to pick up Paul . His flight was coming in at 11 : 30 . I had a bit of time to kill , so I went to one of my favorite places , a grocery store . Cherries and plums and chicken , and some treats for the kids . . . I wandered up and down the aisles of the mostly empty store , just thinking and looking forward to seeing Paul . However , there was a mom there who would have been almost hilarious if it wasn 't so sad , the way she was screeching at her two little girls . The little girls were skipping around and looking at things . They seemed to have a pattern . When the mom wanted them to come to her , she screamed that they better Come Here Right Now Or Else . Do You Want To Go Sit In The Car ? You Ain 't Coming With Me No More . Yous Can 't Behave Yourselves . Now , the interesting thing was that these girls were smiling and skipping , they weren 't in the least bit distressed about the way Mommy talked to them . Par for the course , I think . It was the way they worked . I found it fascinating . Miss Charlotte Claire with Camille . . . notice the nice purse Char has . . . it is mine . I didn 't get suspicious at all when she asked me if she could bring my purse out . Or when she insisted she hold it for the picture . Or when she wouldn 't give it to me on the way to the school for the graduation . Then the giggling started between those two girls . We Are Up To Something kind of giggling . So I asked for my purse , since they had it between them . I thought they were breaking the handles or sneaking gum . As Char handed it to me , she said , " We did something bad . " Yup , out popped the kitten . They brought that kitten in my purse , to kindergarten graduation . He waited in the car with the windows cracked , good thing it was a cool - ish evening . Camille with her cousin Sean , Tom 's youngest . The matching lavender was a total coincidence , but they certainly looked sweet together . Sean didn 't really want his picture taken though . . . . REALLY random , Samuel - my soldier son . He is all signed up for the Army . But he was just " playing " here . . . in Benjamin 's old uniform , playing with his airsoft gun . Aaron , 20 , wondering why I was snapping his picture . Joseph , 22 . He has the same shirt on as Aaron had in the pic I put up of him . I don 't know if I put any pictures here of Joe since he got this slick new hair cut . . . he looks like a different kid . Today I went to the small city all by myself . To the dollar store ( bags of pretzel M & M 's , 6 pack of NatureValley strawberry and oat granola bars , a collar for Suri , since she chewed up her old one . again . ) Then to the thrift store for half - off Wednesday . I found a few things to maybe sell on ebay . " The Divine Secrets Of The Ya - Ya Sisterhood " for Abigail to read when she has her knee surgery next month . Random stuff , lots of it , for only fifteen dollars : ) Then to the grocery store on the other side of town . . . they have Friendly 's ice cream for Buy Two Get Three Free . So five cartons of ice cream for ten bucks . Plus , they have ice cream bars / fudge bars for the same deal , with coupons on the boxes , so they were five boxes for 8 dollars . Just what we need , you might say . They also had fresh chicken thighs and drumsticks for 80 cents a pound . . . I also got some cherries and grapes and plums and peaches and a watermelon . And romaine and kitten chow and milk and frozen veggies . Tomorrow I shall go to the pool , pick Margaret up from her state test , then stay home . The three little ones are all sleeping in my room . It is so cozy to tuck them in then lie in my cozy bed and read from that , " Little House " book . Posted by It 's hard to get enough sleep around here for someone as nosey as me . I do not like to miss anything . So I stay up with the high school kids who are done with high school for the year , and the college kids who are done with college . They sleep in as long as they please , and I get up early to get the other kids ready for school . Today was a Running Around Day . From the pool to the 3rd grade picnic to driving to and from state tests to picking Sam up from his orientation for his summer job at the school . . . . busy . Dinner was good : roasted chicken , small potatoes with pepper and olive oil , zucchini , and broccoli . The oven was too high , or perhaps the chicken was just in there for too long , because it burned . But we ate it anyway , it tasted like chicken jerky . Since I am so nice , I am letting Jonathan , Charlotte Claire , and Camille sleep in my room tonight . They are all tucked in and quiet , I read two chapters of , " Little House On The Prairie " to them while they were all cuddled in . Then they said their prayers and we talked . . . Now the small kids are sleeping , and the older kids are home from the youth meeting . Mirielle has gone to town for a movie from Redbox . I can tell this is going to be a fun summer : ) Trying not to eat when these guys eat their fourth meal of the day is proving to be very difficult . There is cheese on chips being eaten , chocolate pizzelles , sandwiches . . . . and now the bag of peanut butter M & M 's . And the movie hasn 't even started yet . I think I will put a piece of mint gum in my mouth . rrr . I listed three things on ebay tonight , finally . We are fundraising for church . Never a dull moment , I tell you . Paul is very busy in Lousiana . He worked until midnight last night and is very busy tonight too . I guess he isn 't doing much sightseeing . Oh dang , now they have ice cream out . Samuel , Margaret , Kathryn , Aaron , and Mirielle . . . . . we went out and about today . As I picked out produce , I did hear one of the kids exclaim , " Donuts ! " yeah , the bakery is there right near the pears and carrots . It 's all I can smell when I enter the store , dang it . The donuts were on sale , so I said to go ahead and get some . I didn 't have one single bite . rrr . I LOVE donuts . This is me with my , " Why am I buying a coconut " face . I didn 't want to put this one up , since it is a pretty good shot of my tummy , but hey , it 's what I look like . Lots of work to do still . I have been going to that pool religiously , working out three days a week on top of that , walking when I can . . . . and TRYING to stop nibbling things I know I shouldn 't . Last night , movie night with the big kids : popcorn AND coconut M & M 's . ugh . After a very decent day , too . I just can 't handle it , my metabolism is shot , if I eat anything extra , pounds go on quickly . So . . . . I have my work cut out for me . The weather was perfect for a baseball game , I would rather have sat in the bleachers and watched . . . but we volunteer at the concession stand for our church . Kim and I managed to sneak away after the game for a little dinner out , and had a darned good time of it . But . When I got home and learned that Emily and Abigail , plus two of Sonja 's friends and one of Joseph 's friends came for dinner ( burgers on the grill , salad , fries , watermelon ) , I felt like I had really missed out . Paul made it to Louisiana , it was 98 degrees there when he got there . I miss him . More than I thought I would : ) Posted by Tomorrow will prob be too busy to write . . . I am taking Paul to the airport at 4 : 30 am . Then working at the baseball game concession stand in the afternoon . We sell deep - fried chicken tenders , chicken sandwiches , fries , fried dough . Beer . Soda . Candy , nuts . All the healthy stuff . We do it as a volunteer job for church , and it is kind of fun . My knees ache by the time the game is over , standing on a concrete floor does that to me . Our new swimming pool is still sitting there in the boxes in the driveway , 486 pounds of pool , not including the liner which shipped separately . Our old dead pool is still standing in the backyard waiting to be disassembled . Hopefully we can get moving on taking it down , then begin the daunting process of putting up the new one . Paul grilled burgers for dinner , and made a salad . I made three pepperoni pizzas . Dessert : a fireball for me . I LOVE them . I was tempted to eat some caramel creams , but decided to resist . I need to get that strong resistance back , the stuff I could have bottled and sold for a million bucks , way back when I first began this new lifestyle change . I realize that I have to stick to my guns , be strict with myself , say NO even when everyone else is saying yes . So I will be all by my lonesome in the parenting department for the week . In a way I hate when Paul leaves , but in a way I like it . I like leaving the light on and reading until I fall asleep . I like hogging the whole bed , yet I miss that he 's not there . I like feeling like we can just eat pancakes for dinner , but guess what , I don 't eat pancakes anymore . Anyway . He has to go pack , and I have to go to bed early so I can get up at four to drive him . Right now there are lots of kids up and about , eight in the living room right now . It is too busy to write . Jonathan is asking what " local " means . Is McDonald 's " local " ? , he is asking . I cannot write when it is busy in here . So bye for now . . . . Posted by I always knew the day would come when I would have to do my job , I just never knew exactly when that time would be . While deployed in Afghanistan , I was attached to the battalion mortar platoon as their medic . I am a medic , but as the Army goes I am infantry until something goes wrong . Finally came the day when I was tested . . As cynical as it sounds , I was looking forward to it happening . I had been training for over two years and I wanted to put my skills to work . I would 've liked for it to have been on a local national , or at least someone I didn 't know personally , but beggers can 't be choosers . At 5 am , we started walking . Sgt Reynolds and his squad took point . While making our way to the village , Sgt Reynolds found the first IED ( improvised explosive device ) of the day . He called it up on the radio . EOD ( explosive ordinance disposal ) moved to his position and blew the IED in place . We soon continued to push forward , and shortly after Sgt Reynolds found another IED , and then another . He found a total of four IEDs , and then it happened . I had climbed over a wall and was helping Pfc Dyal over that same wall . As the medic , I walked in the back with the platoon sergeant , SFC Harvel . Then I heard it . I knew the explosion hadn 't been trigged by EOD , therefore I knew it wasn 't good . Everything slowed down . In the distance I heard Pfc Chebahtah yell " Sgt Reynolds is hit , Sgt Reynolds is hit ! " . Immediately Sfc Harvel and I ran toward the front of our formation where Sgt Reynolds and his squad were . At the same time we were moving up front , the other three squads in my platoon faced off in different directions and started pulling security . Practice did make perfect . I made it about 10 meters away from Sgt Reynolds , and I could see his head poking out of the brush . He had been blown off the grape row . It was as if he was sitting on the side of it with his legs buried in the shrubs . Pfc Szaro grabbed my arm and I 'll never forget the look ; the definiton of shock on his 18 year old face as he yelled to me " You have to save him Doc ! " . That 's when reality hit , I had a job to do . My intention was to run directly to Sgt Reynolds , but Sfc Harvel grabbed me . Another member of my platoon cleared up to Sgt Reynolds first , to make sure there were no secondary IEDs . The only thing worse than one casualty is multiple casualties . Seconds seemed like hours , and the whole time Sgt Reynolds was screaming . Finally it was safe and I made my way up to him . Instinctively , he grabbed my arm and was yelling for medication , but that wasn 't first on my list of priorities , I had to stop the bleeding . I told him he was fine , and asked him where he was hurt . He responded with movement , and this I 'll never forget . Sgt Reynolds reached down , grabbed his left pant leg , and pulled up out of the brush a leg that had been blow apart and just looked at me . Where a shin and a boot should have been was a bloody leg and a heel . Training kicked in . I grabbed a tourniquet and tightened it as fast as I could around his quadricep . After , I gave him a fentanyl lollipop to help subdue the pain . Then , eight members of the platoon hoisted Sgt Reynolds up , and moved in back about 50 meters to where the landing zone was . It was remarkable to me how much muscle memory played a part in my treatment . I felt as if I was floating in the sky watching my body work . I quickly assessed the rest of his body for injuries , and found one . He had deep lacerations to his opposite thigh , so I applied a second tourniquet . During the whole process I was trying to keep him calm , despite his justified worries of how he would ever drive his truck or play baseball with his daughter again . Finally came the sound we had all been waiting for . The whipping of the rotars that announced the arrival of the helicopter . The dust filled our vision , and then disappeared , bringing to view a medevac bird waiting to bring Sgt Reynolds to safety . As quick as it had landed , it was loaded and in the sky again . After the tragedy , I , along with every other member of my platoon I 'm sure , wanted to sit and come to terms with what had just happened . That 's not how it works . We still had a job to do . We continued on with the mission , and cleared the rest of the village . We found three more IEDs , thankfully without any more incidents . We then made it back to our trucks , and successfully completed our mission . That was the day that I never wanted , but always , wanted to come . That 's the day that makes me thankful when I put on two shoes . Thankful when I wake up to work , even if it is 4 : 30 in the morning . Now I always have something I can look back on and be proud of . If I am feeling down , I just look at my hands and think to myself " these hands brought a father back home to his daughter " , and I start to feel better . Sgt Reynolds holds strong , and I think he just may be happier now than he was . He drives his truck , plays with his daughter , and sends me pictures of himself getting his leg " ran over " or " shut in a door " . That is inspiration at its finest , and it just goes to show me ; life is all about how you take it . Today is my favorite kind of day . Rainy . Cloudy . Chilly . Dark . I just want to go get in bed with a book . But . I am going to be good and go to the pool . Last night after the little kids were all tucked into bed , Aaron and Joseph proposed we open one of the bottles of wine we brought back from our little weekend away . Neither Mirielle nor Mali care for wine , but sat here talking with us , along with Evelyn and Samuel . We ended up eating some chocolate too . Midnight is too late to head off to bed when one has to get up at 6 : 30 to get kids off to school . I was in the middle of good dreams this morning ! Every time I closed my eyes again , I was dreaming again . Dang it was hard to get up . Even after I left my cozy bed and was in the bathroom , I was thinking that perhaps all the kids could skip school and I could get back in bed . Times like those , those spontaneous good times with the kids : totally worth being tired the next day . Twitter : I am not on it . My kids tweet things all the time . One of the things they tweet is , " sh $ t Mom says " , and I know when I say something stupid and one of them will grab their phone with a smirk on their face . . . one of the other things is , " first world probs " , which is as thought - provoking as it is funny . Having to get a new pool is a prime example . " we don 't have any bacon " , " my pictures take too long to load " , and " there are no good movies out " are pretty big problems too . Now life is busy . There are things to be done . We don 't have time to stop and smell the roses . To do so when there are things to be done would be irresponsible ! Anyway . This morning Miss Suri pooped in the living room again . Three lovely piles . ( Isn 't " pile " a disgusting word ? It certainly describes a small mountain of doggy poo perfectly , thought doesn 't it ? ) Anyway . The piles were little islands in the lake of pee she did . Sopping up the pee , cleaning up the islands , which I covered in , " Love My Carpet " first . Baby powder works well too . blah . Sorry , is this too much info ? Well , I finished up this very unwelcome task , all the while giving Miss Suri looks that kill , while she avoided eye - contact and shifted her head around on her paws . She KNOWS not to do this in the house . I think her tummy has been upset for a few days , or perhaps she isn 't ready to transition from puppy chow yet . Anyway . I get finished , and decide to check under one of the toy bins , and yup , there is another pile . Under the bin . How in the heck ? Now , I know it is futile to try to find out Who Put The Waffleblocks On The Dog Poop , it is like trying to find out Who Opened The Cookies or Who Left Their Socks On The Couch . NO ONE DID . so I won 't even ask . I just cleaned it up . It took like 25 minutes to get it all clean . . . . so much for my babies growing up and not having messes anymore . This birthday kitten of Suri 's ? He is wonderful . I call him , " Scoop " because I scoop him up off the floor like fifty times a day . He is irresistable . He purrs each and every single time I scoop him up . He is sitting with me right now , purring and purring . He is cuddly , and hilarious . He is definitely a people - kitty . He thinks Suri is his mother , which is really wierd . He actually tries to nurse from her . He totally latches on , I disconnect him and send him scooting on his way when I catch him , but Suri doesn 't care at all . So the college kids are done and have been here during the day , totally messing up my alone - ness . I don 't mind , but I find it hard to write when there is talking and coffee brewing and comings - and - goings . Mirielle accompanied me to the pool this morning . Our swim was cut short by the announcement that there would be a fire drill at ten o ' clock . I had to make sure I showered and got dressed before then . . . I couldn 't just go out in my suit and towel , my kids go to school there ! Anyway . I came home and tried the latest coffee : coconut . Not bad at all . I also toasted some unsweetened coconut with some sliced almonds , to go on my oats and peanutbutter . Super - yummy . I have to pick Samuel up from P . T . today . He is in the Army now , and has to work out with the Sgt . and other young kids who have signed up but not gone to boot camp yet , each and every Wednesday . Sam has his driving permit , but not his license yet . So to the small city I will go . My sis - in - law also has to go to the small city today , so we are planning to go together and stop at the thrift store for Half - Price Wednesday . She also has some coupons : ) Part of our new swimming pool arrived today in two boxes . Oh yay . Our dead one is being drained . Last night I watered some melons and squash with the water we are pumping out of it . When it is empty , we will just take it down and put the new one up . Sounds easy ! But . Our older kids signed up to work out at the church on Saturday , or at the baseball game Saturday afternoon . Paul and I can 't do it by ourselves ! Plus he has to be at the airport by like five a . m . on Sunday , he is going to Louisiana for a week for work . Plus , it is supposed to rain on Friday and Saturday . I am thinking our pool won 't be going up so quickly . . . . . Did I mention that Suzanne found a money - clip full of money in the Price - Chopper parking lot the other day ? She asked what we should do with it , and we all agreed to bring it in to the service desk in the store immediately . . . . after we did that , we all had lots of ideas of what we could have spent it on , but thought we did the right thing . I called the store later , and sure enough , a man called in and claimed it . We did the right thing , and it was a good example for the girls . Keeping something like that would not result in ME sleeping at night . I didn 't do my usual housework this morning because of the doggy - doo clean - up party I attended in the east end of the living room , so I have things to do this fine morn . I have no idea what is for dinner , although I can tell you what we had last night : I marinated some thinly sliced boneless pork in lemon pepper , added some Montreal steak seasoning , grilled it up outide . . . . steamed peas . . . and a pot of Kraft mac & cheese . I had like a tablespoon , and it was yum . I don 't even consider it food , seriously . But it was on special , three boxes for 99cents . Evelyn cooked those three boxes and the kids really really liked it . The three youngest kids came in from their rollerskating outing at the park with Emily , and the pot was empty . They had bagels , peas , and the pork chops for dinner : ) I always count the kids and figure out where they all are . Sometimes there are ten kids at the dinner table like last night , and I had to figure out where the other six were . ( Emily : park . Abigail : her house . Ben : WA in the Army . Jonathan : park with Em . Char : park with Em . Camille : park with Em . ) oops . So . . . there are things to do around here and they aren 't going to get done with me sitting here in the comfy chair with Scoop . Posted by Possibly re - vivable , but we threw in the towel and declared it dead . It has rusted through so the liner is peeking out in a few places . If we drain it , pull the liner out of the cracks , patch them up , where will it peek out next ? Will it end up like one of those pools that collapse on , " America 's Funniest Home Videos " ? We are not going to take that chance . Paul is ordering a new one today , I think . I spent a good part of yesterday researching and pricing pools online . The new one will be only 27 ft . around , the dead one is 28 . We got that pool 18 years ago . . . . the summer I turned 30 . I was 8 months pregnant for Samuel , our eighth child . Emily Anne was 10 , Abigail Marie 8 , Benjamin Paul 6 , Mirielle Joy 5 , Joseph Michael 4 , Aaron Royce 2 and a half , and Mali Rose was 16 months old . It was so exciting ! We were so eager to try it out , we got in before the ladder was secured . Paul held it in place . Well . He didn 't quite anticipate how hard it would be to hold it for me , being so big and preggie . . . . . I lost my balance and fell backwards off that ladder , landing with a thump , flat on my back . The wind was knocked out of me and I thought I was going to die . Then I thought of the baby and was scared to death . When I was able to get up , I called the dr . It was a Friday night , and he said just to sit tight , if the baby was still moving around then everything was probably fine . It was . Samuel was born just a few weeks later , all healthy and robust . Sitting in the shade enjoying the breeze . . . 93 degrees out , and humid . I was waiting for Paul . . . . he walked the almost two miles uphill to get the truck . . . I had walked down to the winefest , but was feeling awful . No , not too much wine , although I did taste some : ) I think it was the cinnamon bun , and the heat , maybe not enough water , but I felt awful . So I waited in the shade . . . took some " selfies " , mostly to see what my hair looked like . . I had started out with it down , and looking all nice , then it got so hot that I clipped it up . . . the dumpy bathroom at the park had nary a mirror in it , so I felt like it was sticking up everywhere . I asked Paul how my hair looked and he just said , " fine " . I sat under this nice maple tree . I was so very thankful that Paul was going up to our campsite and driving back for me . . . it was too hot for walking down highways and up hills . He is too nice . We got back to camp , and Paul suggested a walk up the falls . Now , this requires steps . Hundreds of steps . I already complained about these steps last year , but I will re - hash the pain . Stairs and steps and more steps . Anyway . . . we hiked the falls twice . On Saturday , then again Sunday morning . I have lots of mental baggage about doing things like this . I may be 60 + pounds lighter than I was a few years ago , but my mind hasn 't caught up with that yet sometimes . I had already walked too far on Saturday , I told myself . A hike ? But it was so hot out , and being near the falls is cool , and refreshing . And hot and sweaty . When we were done , I felt like I had run a marathon , whatever that feels like , I was totally drenched . I realized on the way down that I can do more than I think I can . Hundreds of steps , I tell you . Hundreds . We went to town for ice cream , and walked down Main street . I slept like a baby last night . A good baby , one like I never really had , the kind that just settles in and sleeps . In a tent , on an airmattress . So this morning , Paul says , " Let 's hike the other half of the falls . " Oh . Um . Sure . I would love to . But that niggling voice in the back of my mind started screaming how I could never do that ! No , too much , it said . We went . First we had our relaxing breakfast of scrambled eggs and sausage and coffee . . . . then packed up and said goodbye to our campsite . . . After our hike , we headed for day number two at the wine and food festival . It was slightly cooler today , 86 degrees . More breezy on the lake , so it felt better . There were less people there , too . We still had plenty of food tickets to use , so I had some homemade ice cream . Rum Raisin and Peppermint Patti , which was a chocolate - mint ice cream with Junior Mints in it . Oh heavenly yumminess . I had some wine samples , really liked the Rieslings , but some of the sweeter wines were good too , like the Niagra - so grape - y ! Anyway , we sat in the shade for a bit , and I told Paul I felt like I had died and went to heaven . Homemade ice cream , wine , being with him . He couldn 't taste any today because he had to drive , but we managed to pick out six bottles to buy and bring home . One kind is a rasberry - ish , and has to be had with chocolate , preferably dark chocolate . The winery rep actually handed out chocolate with the samples , and I knew I had to have that wine . Emily came over tonight after work , so we had some . . . she thought it was quite yummy too . So . . . . home to find out the kids had invited some boys from church over for dinner . All I wanted to do was put my feets up and unpack my bags and talk to the kids . . . but I grilled some steaks , Mirielle had ordered pizza , Aaron made a salad . It ended up being a really nice time . I missed my kids this weekend , but totally enjoyed the down - time , the time spent with Paul . Oh , how I love to just sit and think thoughts without being interrupted . I love to talk with Paul without being interrupted . I love to walk along holding his hand , and just enjoy being with him . It is still strange to fix just two plates of food ( he fixed mine this morning ) . But now we are back to reality . Back to Evelyn demanding a trip to the library . Suzanne needs undershirts . The little girls needed showers and stories and Sonja needed a lunch packed for her field trip tomorrow . And I need to get back on track with eating right . We packed our own food for the weekend , ate chicken and veggies for dinners , and eggs aSo . Back to eating right . No more wine , no more treats . I did get my exercise this weekend , but I think I negated it with all the yummies . But one only lives once , and I truly enjoyed it all . Tomorrow is another day , and tomorrow I will behave . And the sooner I get to bed , the happier I will be when it is time to get out of that bed in the morning . I am a stay at home mom with 16 kids , no twins , Army mom , wife to Paul ( still crazy about him ! ! ! ) . . . 8 kids are still at home . . . . the kids : Emily 31 , Abigail 30 , Benjamin 28 ( his wife Ashley and our granddaughter Anya 3 ) , Mariel 26 , Joseph 25 , Aaron 24 , MollyRose 22 ( and granddaughter Lydia , 1 ) , Samuel 21 , Margaret 20 ( and son - in - law Adrian ! ) , Kathryn 18 , Evelyn 17 , Suzanne 15 , Sonja 14 , Jonathan 12 , Charlotte Claire 10 , and Camille 9 . Help for life can be found at www . activechristianity . com , which is a great source of encouragement for me . View my complete profile |
You know the memes that make mention to how you would be willing to do anything for a friend ? I think it 's mildly entertaining how often people are willing to tag someone in one of those . But seriously , would you literally be willing to die for someone ? The answer is probably no . We live in such a self - absorbed culture . I promise I 'm not one of those types that deliberately has given up faith on humanity , but there has been a lot of it lost over time . I 've always tried to find the good in people , find the silver lining . But when it comes to the subject of Anna , I find it very difficult . If I were the facebooky - type person then maybe I would have once upon a time tagged Anna in those drastically overused memes of how I have her back no matter what - my ' ride or die bitch ' . But that was a long ago time . I wish I could go back to that , us being children , to us growing up together and maybe us never finding the descent - but I can 't go back in time . We met like most childhood best friends start out meeting - on a local playground , pre - kindergarten . My parents were delighted to see me socializing with someone my age as all my cousins were much older than me and I never really had anyone to play with . I was so happy to introduce her to my parents who were sitting on a bench off to the side of the playground equipment . I dragged Anna along to meet them and in turn she introduced me to her foster parents . In an excited rush she said , " I 'm not just ANY kid , I 'm a foster care kid ! " She was so pleased with herself in admitting this and at the time I had no clue what foster care meant . I turned to my parents and asked them if I could be a foster care kid too . Her foster parents and my folks got a good chuckle out of that . It wasn 't until I was much older did I hear the full story of how Anna came into the world . Her biological mother had been pressured into not having an abortion last minute by her overly religious family , she had been told adoption was best in preventing her own soul for being burnt in hell for all eternity . The small town we grew up in , well , everybody knew everybody , including their business . My aunt was a child protective services worker and handled Anna 's transfer into state custody , she was the one who actually later told me the story . Sometimes I think a life like Anna 's isn 't really a life worth living . Some people call abortion murder , especially where I live now in the grand ol ' state of Texas , and they say it like it is a bad thing . But I am here to tell you that even if you think of abortion as murder to an unborn child , maybe that ' murder ' before they see the light of day is the best thing that could ever happen to them . I truly think that would have been Anna 's case . After running into each other a few more times on the playground , my parents had discovered from her foster parents that Anna and the family actually lived fairly close by to my grandmother 's farm . The next thing I knew we were spending long weekends together out on the farm . Making mud pies and going on long adventures through the woods . Each day we spent together further solidified this tight bond between us , we felt inseparable as the years went on within our friendship . But that bond tightened even more when Anna started confiding in me the things that were happening at her house . I became scared to death of Mr . Evans through all of the horrible things Anna told me about him . I asked , then pleaded , and ultimately begged her every time she told me something new and atrocious had happened to her to let me tell my parents . As a child , I always knew my parents were understanding and I told her they could help keep her safe . But she would just cry more at the idea of this , telling me that Mr . Evans had told her that if anyone found out he would hurt her . At the age of 7 I understood this feeling of fear of backlash . I had been bullied on the school bus the year before , Brian Conner would pants me and then threaten me if I told anyone he would beat my face in . So I never said anything to anyone other than Anna . To me , it made ' sense ' why I shouldn 't tell an adult . I couldn 't tell you though how many sleepless nights since then I have spent feeling guilty on not ratting on Mr . Evans . Maybe Anna would have ended up so much differently if I had . Maybe I wouldn 't even be writing this right now if I had . The first weekend of summer break after the 3rd grade , Anna and I had our usual playdate scheduled to kick off the summer . She would always walk along a path that my parents had helped clear out in the woods from her house to my grandparents and I would always meet her there to walk with her the rest of the way back to my grandparent 's home so we could catch the Saturday morning cartoons together . We loved our little adventures across the farm , always made us feel like explorers . But this Saturday she didn 't show up on time . I checked my Wonder Woman watch and it was 10 : 13 AM . We were going to miss the hour - long Scooby Doo special if she didn 't hurry up . At 10 : 30 AM I became impatient and trudged back to the house as it began to rain . When I got back , my grandmother informed me that Mr . Evans had called and said that Anna was feeling ill and I wouldn 't be seeing her much this weekend . I asked my grandma why Mr . Evans had called - as he was not a socialite by any means and always made his wife do all the talking . She informed me Mrs . Evans was out of town . Anna had told me what happens when Mrs . Evans wasn 't around . Even the thought of Mr . Evans made me ill . But I accepted this as fact and decided to catch the last few minutes of the Scooby Doo episode that was still remaining until something outside the window caught my eye . A ghostly pale face with red swollen eyes was peering into the window . Red and damp hair matted to her forehead , there was Anna . She put a finger to her lips as if to tell me to be quiet and motioned for me to come outside . I quietly slipped on my rainboots and grabbed an umbrella . The lightning outside was beginning to pick up and I decided against the umbrella as it had a metal tip at the end . To prevent electrocution , I had thought . I discreetly made my way outside and this is when Anna went into a complete meltdown of hysteria . She was crying and sobbing and I couldn 't make out a single word she was trying to say . All I could understand was the panic and through the mixture of gibberish the words , " He … is … coming . " At 7 years old I began to feel something that no 7 year old should ever be forced into feeling , that I had to protect my friend because her life depended on it . I tried to reason with her that we could stay in the basement , that I could sneak her in , but she shook her head vigorously at that notion . " No , he will look here first and he will find me and hurt me and then hurt you too ! " This is when I first noticed the blood on her head . I made the ultimate decision to grab her by the hand and rush for the woods . Twenty years later and I still wish I had never made that decision . Now , keep in mind we thought we knew these woods like the back of our hand . For the past year , ever since my grandparents thought we were old enough to go adventuring on our own , we had explored every inch of it . Well , except past the graveyard . That was the deal we had made with my grandpa . He told me he had never even let my dad go back there when he was a kid , that it was forbidden . There was this story he had always told me about the graveyard . I thought it was about as fake as Santa Claus , but always kept my mouth shut when he told the story because he was such a great storyteller I never wanted to miss a word . He would always start off by explaining the rich history of Massachusetts , about the Salem Witch trials , and about my family 's hand in executing a few of those alleged witches too . And then he would start in to the story about the Jakobsons . The Jakobsons had owned the patch of land just behind the graveyards . The whole community believed they had been a family of witches , especially Bartholomew Jakobson . Bartholomew was noted to always have better luck with crops when compared to the locals in the area , and it was rumored he 'd made a deal with the devil . People solidified this thought especially after 1899 - the great drought of Massachusetts when no one could grow a damn thing yet he had a bounty . In the early 1900s , a lot of children began to disappear on their way to the local one - room schoolhouse , which was just a little bit further down from the Jakobson house . In earnest to save the community and the children and with all the rumors of Bartholomew Jakobson practicing witchcraft , it made absolute sense that Bartholomew was behind it all . When the locals reached his home with the expectation to hang him , he could not be found . It 's been said that no one has seen Bartholomew since and none of the children were ever found . So , the logic of a 7 - year - old who is harboring a fugitive was to find that schoolhouse . I had remembered my dad taking me there on the four - wheeler just the summer before . I knew two things for sure - that if Mr . Evans did come to my grandparents looking for Anna and they realized I was missing they would never think to find me there because I had solemnly promised never to go that far back in the woods and secondly it would keep us safe from more than just Mr . Evans but also the impending storm . Lightning crashed overhead as we stumbled through the chaos of branches whipping back and forth and the fierce rain . I was so confident I could find that little schoolhouse , I knew there was still an old path leading to it . But as we approached the graveyard my heart began to quicken . I could feel it in my throat as I stared across the small field of handmade headstones dating all the way back to the 1700s . My feet felt like they had been cast in concrete . I was not expecting there to be two paths behind the graveyard . One went left and the other went right . " What 's a matter ? " pleaded Anna . I could feel the desperation at the tip of her tongue . I had to figure this out . I had to . I knew in that moment Anna couldn 't be caught . I knew deep down inside things had gotten worse with Mr . Evans . I knew if she was caught it 'd be over , that Mr . Evans would never let her see me ever again and even if I couldn 't save her from him forever , the safety she felt in my grandparents ' home on the weekends was enough to help her survive the cruelty he put her through . " Screw it , " I said under my breath as I grabbed Anna 's hand as we ran down the path to our left . It 's funny , eerily ironic , how many choices in our life are just like this one , yes or no , right or wrong , left or right . For a long time , I had convinced myself that left had been the best option . These days though I 'm not up to the challenge of trying to lie to myself anymore . After running down the left path for what felt like forever we finally came across a clearing . The wind was howling at our heels and the rain stinging our eyes as we tried to keep them open to find the building . And then - " Over there ! " I saw the chipped white paint across the dilapidated boards that made up the building I remembered from the summer before . We raced towards it and as I grabbed for the door it opened on its own . I will never forget hearing that exhausting creek of rusted metal hinges grinding against one another to open itself , because it was loud enough I could hear it over the cracking of the storm above us . Without a second thought , we barged inside . There was a moment of shock for me as we stumbled in for two reasons . One , the ultimate feeling of calmness to finally be inside shelter from the storm . Two , instant fear because this was not the schoolhouse . The house looked as if it had been frozen in time . Dust carpeted the floors and our footsteps made it apparent no one had been inside for years , decades even . It had all the furnishings any house would , except subtract nearly a hundred years . " Is this the schoolhouse ? " Anna asked meekly , as if she already knew the answer . She had also heard grandpa 's stories and knew all too well where we were . With great disappointment , I shook my head . I peered around in disbelief at how of all places we had ended up here . There were old looking paintings on the wall , mostly discolored from the long amount of time spent hanging on the walls exposed to God only knows what . They were mostly of naked women with what I could only assume was the devil , dancing in various poses . It felt as if the devils in the pictures were peering right through my soul . I looked away quickly and my eye caught a table sitting in the corner of the room . It was a small table , only big enough for one person to eat a meal at . There was one chair sitting in front of it with a small piece of parchment leaned against the back of it . I walked over towards it . Anna began to cry . Frustrated and scared , I grabbed Anna by the shoulders . I could not figure this out on my own . " Anna , think with me . Safety in the descent . What does ' descent ' mean ? " She didn 't respond and began to wail . I was trying to use my context clues the best I could to figure out what descent would mean in this situation . As I turned my back to Anna to search for more clues , she uttered out a loud scream . I wheeled back around to see her clutching at her chest . She was hysterical and only knowing what I had observed in movies when someone is acting this way , I smacked her hard across the face . Her eyes slowly moved from the doorway across the room to meet my face . " Did you see him ? " I grabbed her by the arm and we bolted for the door she had pointed at . I had no clue what horrors existed beyond that door but it had to be better than Mr . Evans . It had to be . It was dark past the doorway , and by the minimum amount of lighting the house already had all I could make out was the first few rickety wooden steps . The smell of wet earth reached my nose pungently . Without a second to even rethink the situation , I slammed the door behind us as we descended the stairway . The stench of mold became ever denser with each step we took , but the storm began to sound farther and farther away . The complete darkness made me want to just crawl into a ball and give up , after all I was the mere age of 7 and had yet to outgrow the usage of my night light . I began to count the steps after the first few minutes of going down them , because it seemed to be an abnormal amount of steps for a staircase . By the time we reached the landing , I had counted 59 steps . Farther ahead I could see a small flame flickering shadows on the wall . As we approached it I realized it was actually two flames , two long and thin candles that looked freshly lit atop a wide table across from another door entrance . I could see Anna shake her head in the shadow of the light . " I dunno how to explain it . I think after you 've been through the stuff I 've been through you start to know when something feels safe . " The urge to turn around and run was so hard to fight in that moment . " No , I don 't . " Something did not feel right . I was prepared to take the scolding from my grandparents , the ass - beating from my own parents , and whatever the hell Mr . Evans may or may not have intended for me , but just not this . She giggled . " He wants us to take the key from the drawer . " Anna walked over to the table and opened a drawer I hadn 't noticed before . With her thin fingers , she took out a skeleton key and tried it on the door . It opened freely . " Let 's go . We 're safe in here ! " Now it was Anna 's turn to grab me by the arm . My legs felt like jello as everything inside of me told me not to go , not to enter , not to trust this or the man that only Anna could see , but begrudgingly I walked in with her beyond the door so as not to be left alone in this God forsaken room . Anna squealed in delight and began to run through the field . I was hesitant to join her but the beautiful blue sky and the sunlight urged me to join her . We played hide and seek among the tall stalks of sunflowers and my fear began to subside for a bit . But there was this small ache in my heart that told me this didn 't make sense . That this couldn 't be reality . That this was not right . It felt like we had been there for hours , I looked at my watch to confirm the time , but it had quit working . When I looked up in the sky to check the time of day like my grandpa had showed me how to do , the sun 's placement still looked like noon . " I 'm being serious . " It was the sternest voice I could pull off . A smile crossed her face . " Well , I 'm the one with the key to get us back out so I 'll say when we get to leave . " She stuck her tongue out at me in a playing gesture . " Fine . " She walked back over to the door that just magically stood in the middle of the field , the dark door with the skeleton key lock , and marched us back into reality . She placed the key back in the drawer where she had found it and before we marched up the stairs I was smart enough to grab one of the candles to light our way . She didn 't talk to me the entire way up the stairs and back into the decaying house . Once we walked out the door , I noticed two things : the rain had stopped and I felt like I was so hungry I could eat an entire cow . She shrugged her shoulders which I assumed met yes . We tore through the undergrowth of the trail all the way back and that was when something else became apparent - the ground wasn 't wet and soggy like it should have been after such a down pour the storm had brought . The farther we walked the weaker I felt , my stomach growling to an elemental roar . As we were coming up to the house I heard the bang of the backdoor and watched my grandparents and parents run towards us . I knew we had been gone for longer than we should have , I should have never made my grandparents or my folks worry about me for being gone for so many hours . They grabbed me up in their arms and started kissing on me all over , as if I was a long lost treasure that had been misplaced and then found . I noticed in that moment the look on Anna 's face . Even if Mr . and Mrs . Evans had been there in that moment , they still would have never given her the same treatment I was getting now . It was enough to make me feel guilty . I made up some story about being unconscious the entire time . No one believed me , but I preferred that to them thinking I was ' insane ' . Anna pleaded and prodded for me to collaborate with her story , but I couldn 't . I outright refused to do so . It was several months before I was even able to see Anna again . Both of our parents had been pretty harsh on us about the whole event . But the next time I did see her was a planned sleepover at my parent 's house . The Evans were not too keen on the idea of her visiting my grandparents anytime soon , no matter how much they profusely apologized over the incident . " It 's dangerous . Couldn 't you feel it ? Like something wasn 't right there , that place nearly killed us ! You heard the doctors ! We got sick because of that place , we can 't go back . Ever . " I found relief in that statement and fear at the same time . Relief was that it wasn 't just me that felt that place calling me , saying my name in my dreams , telling me to come back to be safe forever within the descent . But then there was that fear , that if it wasn 't just me experiencing it , then there was something much more sinister about that place than I had initially imagined . " Don 't you dare call me crazy . " Anna became very flustered . " That 's what everyone in town has been calling me and don 't you dare do it , don 't you dare . " She burst into tears and I found myself holding her and consoling her . That was the last time I seen Anna for a while . As school began back up , we ran into each other . Same homeroom class for the 4th grade and we sat right next to each other as if nothing had ever happened . We didn 't speak a word about the house or the old man or anything . And that was the way I liked it , because I had enough reminders in my sleep when it would call out to me , enticing me to come back . Well , things were okay for quite a while . I guess the abuse from Mr . Evans had quit happening after what my parents now call the event of us running away that summer , so there was no need for Anna to have a feeling of needing to escape . But near Christmas of 7th grade , something terrible happened . Anna 's adopted mother had died in a car accident . I think Mrs . Evans ' presence in the home was a protective barrier for Anna , because Mr . Evans would never hurt her when she was around . But now , well … all limits were off . Three weeks after her death and I found Anna knocking on my grandparent 's spare bedroom window at 3 AM . I guess she 'd overheard me telling someone I was staying there , because Anna and I weren 't allowed to talk much . What I thought I had confided in a friend that eventually became the news among everyone at school was that I was beginning to realize l could never find a boyfriend because , to be quite honest , I just couldn 't find them attractive . I had always known I had a ' thing ' for girls , and my parents were totally accepting of this . Anna 's religious nut of an adoptive father was not so much . She had been forbidden to even communicate with me until I found ' Jesus ' . I felt defeated . I wanted to challenge her , to give her all the reasons why this was a terrible idea , but at the same time I felt like I was at a loss of words . I knew nothing I could say would stop her , not really . " How long ? " I walked over to my purse and grabbing a cigarette I had stolen from my uncle 's pack earlier that night when he had come by to visit . " I dunno . Forever , maybe . " I choked on the first inhale from the smoke in surprise . " That place will fucking kill you , Anna . When you 're there you don 't understand time or experience hunger or - " " You act like that place is a fucking paradise . Do you realize if I hadn 't got us out of there when I did we could have died down there ? For fuck 's sake , you act like that old man was your friend - do you realize he 's not your friend ! He wants you there for - well , I don 't know - " I was stumped by that accusation . " No , that 's not what I meant , I meant … " I gave up in that single moment . There was no talking her out of this and who was I to judge that maybe it was safer on the other side of that door than at her own home . " Will you at least take a backpack with you ? Let me put some food in it for you and some water bottles ? " She contemplated this for a moment . " I don 't think things like that work down there . " She gave a slight frown , but then brightened back up to a new idea . " I think I can talk to you though . Something gives me the feeling that I can still talk to you . " She pointed to her forehead . " You 'll be hearing from me . Promise . I 'll have my people call your people . " She laughed , more so to herself , and started heading to the outskirts of the farm . I didn 't know if I would ever hear back from her again . And of course by the time people realized she was missing , they all came to me with questions as this was not the first time Anna Evans had become missing and the last time this happened I had been there . They asked old questions , questions I had refused to answer long ago . New questions about where would I suspect her to have went . I played dumb for a long time because I rationalized if she did turn back up and ever needed safety again , if I pointed them towards that old decrepit house she would never be able to go back there for safety . Her spot would be ruined and people would suspect that was where she had ran off to . But then came the nightmares . I guess this is what Anna meant about communication . I could hear her in my sleep screaming out my name . The first night , I figured it was a fluke . Second night , well it became more difficult to ignore . Third night , I was determined if I didn 't overcome my fear of that damn place then it may be the end for Anna . It has been 27 days since Anna had been seen by this point . I went during the day . I took the left hanging path . I came across the house . Went down the steps , even though I 'd sworn I 'd never do that again , and then I came to the door . Only one candle was lit now on the table , even though I didn 't need it with my handy dandy flashlight already in hand . I opened the drawer and found myself staring at the empty space . Duh . Of course . Anna had to have the fucking key on the other side . I was quite befuddled . I didn 't know what to do , but right at the moment I felt a strong ticking in my head . Like a blood vessel that wouldn 't quite calm down . I had never experienced an aneurism but I was pretty sure that was what was about to happen . But then I heard her , clear as day , in my own head . There 's a spare over the door frame . The beautiful field of sunflowers was still present . The sun felt warm against my skin , even though moments earlier I had been freezing as it was February in Massachusetts . It was what was wrong with Anna . She didn 't look like Anna anymore , her skull sunken in to the point she looked to be like a skeleton with the skin stretched over her bones . " Come play with us ! " she chirped , except her voice sounded dry and cracky . This is when I looked down at who 's hand she was holding . If I had thought Anna looked grotesquely thin , nothing matched this child . The only thing that made me aware that it was a little girl was by the dress it was wearing , it was practically a skeleton with small bits of flesh hanging off of bone . Where eyes should have been were spider nests and they began to hatch before my eyes . I hid Anna out at my grandparent 's house for a few days , as I was actually there for the purpose of housesitting while they were out of town . I kept her like a refugee and made sure she had plenty of water and food before I sent her on her own way . I begged and pleaded with her to never go back and she promised she wouldn 't . But we both knew it was a lie . I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek before she left . In last minute haste , I asked her to tell someone , an adult , the police , anyone , what Mr . Evans was doing to her . But that was when she threatened me . " You tell anyone and so help me God I will drag you back to the descent myself . I may even have my little friends help me . " I didn 't see Anna after that for years . Mr . Evans withdrew her from public school and as far as anyone knew she was being homeschooled . The nightmares of that place got worse . It wasn 't just calling for me to return , but was sending a little messenger of the girl I 'd seen holding Anna 's hand when I had found her . " Come play with me , and if you come back soon I may even let you finger me ! " The perversion of that child in my dreams led me to experimenting with caffeine pills and energy drinks . Anything to prevent me from closing my eyes long enough to avoid her visit in my dreams . Anna came up missing three or four more times over the course of the next few years , and of course I was questioned by the police every time . The questions were less in - depth each time . Like they had come to expect Anna to just go missing because she was some helpless kid who ran away all the time . Hell , the last cop who interviewed me didn 't even have her name right - they called her Emma . No one really cared about Anna anymore . But I 'd know each time before she went missing . I could feel her in my dreams . The dead children , yes - children , because more of them began to show up in the nightmares , wouldn 't be present . It would be her . I would reflect back on that time she told me she wasn 't the one who had called out to me in my dreams , but I really think it was . I think it was the sensible Anna , the one who knew deep down that the sunflowers she felt on her skin weren 't real . I didn 't know how she was able to break away from the place when she did all by herself , but she would always show back up after a few weeks or so . I 'd find this out from a cousin who worked at the local hospital in triage . She would come in dehydrated , half - starved , missing a tooth or something else extreme . They 'd doctor her up and send her back on her way . I was so confused why an adult didn 't come up with the idea that this was absolutely abnormal . Why didn 't anyone start to ask questions about the parenting Mr . Evans was providing . But at the same time , I was disgustingly relieved because I feared if someone did start asking those questions and poking around , Anna would think I was the one that ratted out Mr . Evans , and that then she would come after me . When I was 17 , my pops got offered a job in Texas . I was supposed to start my senior year at Logan County High School . My parents assumed I would be devastated about the move . In all actuality , I couldn 't have been more thrilled at putting distance between me and that fucking delipidated house . The dreams actually calmed down quite a bit after the move and I slowly began to put it all behind me , like it was a bad dream and I was just now waking up from it . I graduated from high school and then college - that 's where I met my lovely girlfriend . After living together for three years , I had actually started thinking about asking her if she wanted to tie the knot . But then , quite quickly , my past creeped back up on me in a way I had never expected . I got a call from my grandmother . She informed me that Anna was pregnant . I hadn 't even heard Anna 's name in so long for a moment I had trouble picturing who she even was . I inquired about the father of the child , but she said she was unaware . She said she wanted to make sure I knew in case I wanted to call her up and congratulate her . And that 's when I asked , " Grandma , is she still living with Mr . Evans ? " I became angry , so angry I wanted to scream at my grandmother on why in the ever living fuck would I congratulate Anna on conceiving a child from what must obviously had been a rape by her adoptive father . But then I stopped . Because I remembered . I remembered I was the only one aware of the incestuous relationship Mr . Evans had been perpetrating for the past 22 years . I didn 't call Anna . Mostly out of fear for myself . If that makes me a shitty person , so be it , but I was so afraid the nightmares would come back and my life was so fucking normal why would I want to go back to that . I did eventually call my grandma back and ask her to forward my cell number to Anna . Because truly at the end of the day I wanted her to know she could always call me , come to me , get away from him , something , anything other than the descent down the stairs . This went on for a few days before the guilt overcame my fear . I kissed my girlfriend goodbye and told her I 'd be back in a few days . I had no reason or desire to drag her into this . It was my fault in the first place so long ago . A part of me wants to reason with myself , to tell myself really if Mr . Evans had never been a fucking pedophile , none of this would have happened . But the guilt would always creep back up , I should have stopped it a long time ago , before it had ever gotten this far . It was 4 AM when I parked down the driveway from my grandparent 's house . Not wanting to spook them in the middle of the night and having not made them aware of my trip , I set off on foot across the farm with my pack on my shoulder . The closer I got to Jakobson house , the more paranoid I became . I 'm not sure if it was my mind playing tricks on me , but I could feel little hands pushing me on the back . Hands that were cold and felt like they belonged to small children . As I approached the house my apprehension felt worse than ever before . Every cell within my body was telling me to run , run for my life . But I knew I owed this to Anna . I went down the stairs , slowly . Something felt different this time . I don 't know how to explain it , but it was like the house knew I had an ulterior motive for being there . While going down the steps , one of them broke beneath my feet and I barely caught myself . I could feel the blood from the wooden splinters pooling in my socks . The stench of the wet earth smelled almost rotten . It was so strong I could taste it on my tongue . When I reached the landing , I looked over and as the same as before , I saw the one lit candle . But then , as if a gust of wind had rushed the room , it was extinguished . I bit my bottom lip and tried to count to ten , like all the therapists had told me to do , all the ones I had to see after leaving Massachusetts to work hard on forgetting this fucking place . With hands shaking , I pulled the flashlight from my pack and turned it on . Before me stood the older man Anna had told me about . He silently laughed at me with his mouth agape , his jaws opening wider than humanly possible and then he stopped suddenly and became very serious . " GET OUT OF MY HOUSE ! " The flashlight flew out of my hand and across the room . I heard the batteries fall out of it when it hit the floor . I was grounded to the spot , afraid to move , afraid to breathe , afraid to do anything - and that is when I heard her . You 're so close , please save us . Anna began to laugh . " You came after all ! " I grabbed for my pocket and pulled out my cigarette pack . I had quit smoking 7 years ago , it 's a terrible habit really , but I had bought a pack on my way back to Massachusetts . I grabbed the Bic that was hidden between cigarettes and shined it in the room . " Do you want to see the baby ? " Anna asked in a slurred voice . She was missing almost all of her top teeth now , I could see them surrounding her on the floor . I reflected back to what my grandmother had said about Anna being pregnant . The way she had described it she was only five months along . " Anna , sweetheart . The baby should still be in your tummy , right ? " I cooed to her in a voice as if she were a small child . Anna slowly and shaking , stood up to reveal her stomach . There was approximately an 8 inch by 5 inch gash revealing Anna 's insides . " No , silly . The baby has come early ! " She started laughing in a croaky voice that was not the Anna I knew . " Want to hold it ? " she asked as she twirled the other skeleton key between her fingers . She revealed to me in her free hand an alien - like figure , no bigger than her palm . Its tiny fist arm waved back and forth in a jutted movement . It wasn 't normal . I began to choke back the vomit that was lingering the back of my throat . " Not right now , Anna . I don 't feel good . " I had no clue what my plan was at that moment , but I knew I had to save Anna . " Well come on in and join us , Carissa . Bernie was just about to tell us a funny joke , weren 't you Bernie ? " Anna looked over to one of the skeletons hanging from the wall and then she looked back to me quickly . " Come stay a while . Give me that key and then you can hold the baby and I can shut the door and we can all stay a while and doesn 't the sun feel good and the baby and the key and doesn 't the sun feel good I love sunflower and the baby and doesn 't the sun feel good ? " Anna smiled at me with a toothless , gaping mouth . I looked down and realized I almost had both of my feet inside behind the door . I grabbed the original skeleton key from the hand she had been playing with it in and slammed the door behind me , locking it in place . The scream was eternally piercing into my soul as I began to cry . " I 'm so , so sorry Anna . I love you . " I reflected very briefly on the moment when I had realized somewhere at a gas station near the outskirts of Kentucky that I had accidently packed lighter fluid in my pack . It must have been left in the pack from our last hiking trip . I had chuckled to myself at the time at what an idiotic thing to accidently bring with me , how accidentally bringing an extra pair of panties would have been a better choice as I had forgotten to grab any at all before I left the house and at that moment had just realized it . " I 'll let you lick my cooter , just come back to us ! " Then there was Anna . " I thought you loved me , I thought you loved me , but you were jealous of my daddy 's dick weren 't you ? " They discovered a door that led to a basement that was far underneath the ground , almost like a bunker , and there it was discovered Anna 's body . The disturbing thing is , through testing of the oxygen in the bones it was found she had been dead long before the fire occurred . They are still ruling it is arson without homicide or manslaughter . On top of her bones , they found the skeletons of an additional 29 individuals . They are going through testing of these skeletons , but believe they are children that were reported missing at the beginning of the 1900s . As far as the nightmares , they happen from time to time . Mostly the screams from the fetus . And every once in a while , I can feel Anna calling in . She lets me know that she 's safe now . |
Again , because we went to bed so early , we got up pretty early as well . I 'm sure Hubby and I could sleep longer and get adjusted quicker , but C1 is the one waking up and getting us up at all hours of the night . 3am , 4am , he 's up and ready to go . We have been able to get him to at least be quiet and in bed until 6am until it 's a more reasonable time to get up and going for the day . Particularly since nothing is open for breakfast . Today has been a hard day for me . I 'm still not caught up on my sleep , everything around me is foreign , the smells are bad , everything feels at least a slight bit dirty . I simply just want to go home . I bawled again . I feel like I 'm trying , but I also understand that it 's only been 2 days , but I want to go home , bad . We knew Hubby came here to get some work done , and that he would be spending a few hours a day at the University office . We decided to join Hubby in the office today to see what it looked like and the surrounding area . I like the office . It feels , American . It feels comfortable . I think I 'd like to bring C1 's toys to the office , let him play while I blog , and spend the morning with Hubby there , and then go out and tour and shop when he is done with work . Also , I 'm quite afraid to go anywhere or do much of anything without Hubby around . I 'm so lost , and I don 't speak a lick of Chinese , and I don 't want to get C1 and myself lost . By early afternoon we 're done and ready to go . We grab some lunch at the Subway a few doors down , and head back to the apartment to let C1 nap to see if we can 't get him to sleep in the right time zone . Of course we all fell asleep , and didn 't get up until 6pm ! We went wondering out for some dinner and barely found anything open . Once we returned home there is a note on our door from management . Apparently they thought we were to check out that day and wondered why we hadn 't left yet . Well , the double booked our room , and make us move to another room . At first we were on the 3rd floor , and now we 're on the 11th floor . Quite frankly it feels less dirty and has a better view . We moved everything that night and were in bed by midnight ; only to have C1 wake us up at 4am . Again we convinced him to stay in bed or our bed until at least 6am . * This is a model of Hyde Park , Chicago . My house is in the upper left corner , I wish I could just transport there . You may notice the MSI on the right near the TV and the grey strip toward the bottom is the Midway . Here in Beijing , the big travel holiday isn 't Christmas like it is in America ; it 's the Lunar New Year . Many people leave the city for a while for the holiday . Since we were up at like 5am , we did all we could to entertain ourselves in our apartment , but you can only do that for so long . About 7am we ventured out to find breakfast . With a lot of people out of the city , just about nothing was open . We also still needed to go get a few supplies from the Walmart that was near our place . We walked toward the Walmart to see if we could find anything to eat . To our surprise the Walmart was open . We did our shopping , not really finding everything we hoped , and the Chinese brands are so much different . We had our breakfast , I cleaned the apartment to make myself feel good about it being clean and un - packed a bit to settle in . It wasn 't even noon yet , when we decided we needed to get out and do something touristy , as well as take advantage of the Lunar New Year celebrations happening while they were still happening . On our way out we stopped at the McDonalds for a light lunch . One woman came around the counter to say hello to C1 . She also called out all the other employees to see the cute blond boy . We 've got 3 - 5 employees surrounding C1 adoring him . As we then proceed to eat our lunch the first woman brings a small ice cream out for C1 , for free . We took the train to this festival / carnival and when we arrived , the train station was PACKED ! We had to push our way off the train , through crowds of people up to the street to find the festival . While there was a flow of people going the same direction as we were , we feared the festival was all done for the day because of the amount of people leaving the festival . I thought Chicago traffic was bad during events , but this was insane ! People over ruled the road and cars could barely move . Poor C1 was in and out of the stroller because with so many people we could hardly push a stroller through . He was really good about holding onto our hands . Hubby and I took turns holding him . And when we could we put him in the umbrella stroller and pushed our way through . To get into the festival it was only $ 1 . 40 ; that 's American Dollars . Super cheep . But once we got in , we noticed that the carnival games ( such as ring toss , pretty typical type games ) were more unreasonably higher priced . We stopped to watch a performance on a stage , but we couldn 't really see and I couldn 't understand what they were saying anyway . Standing there watching , just like everywhere we go , everyone looked at us , specifically C1 . One young couple even stopped and gave C1 a small stuffed dog . I 'm trying to teach C1 the two words I know in Chinese ; thank you and hello . At one point before we continued walking , I even caught a man pretending to take either a video or panoramic picture and plainly stopped to take a picture of me holding C1 ; I just smile and let them . We wondered around the festival and my favorite part is always the trinkets for sale . We stopped and got C1 a fun tri , noise making , pinwheel . As we wondered I saw nice fake flowers and thought it would be nice to get some for the apartment . As we wondered trying to find any flowers we found Hubby 's favorite part of a festival , food . Being pregnant , my Dr . recommended that I don 't eat the street food because we don 't know how well cooked it is . Hubby got some food to share with C1 ; I 'm sort of glad , because I 'm not very adventurous when it comes to strange food . The crowds were pretty heavy , but we made our way through and found some flowers . Not all the ones I liked that I saw others holding , but some . We stopped and I had Hubby go up to the booth to buy me some . C1 was in the stroller as we stood back waiting . By the time Hubby came back with the flowers I asked him to get , C1 was crying because his feet were cold . If people weren 't staring at him before they sure were now . As quick as we could we found a little quiet spot away from the crowd so I could put his gloves on his feet and then give him my gloves . In the proccess , a family with a little boy come over to say something to C1 , who is bawling because he 's cold and tired . Suddenly , I look up from helping my poor child , and there is an entire crowd around us watching the crying blond boy . The little boy and his family is trying to get a picture of the two kids together , and the crowd is only scaring C1 more and making him cry even more . Finally I get his gloves on his feet and his shoes back on , and I pick him up to hold him and take him away from the crowd to try to comfort him . I still wanted to look at all the trinkets for sale and find more flowers , but C1 wasn 't calming down , and wanted to go back to the apartment . We made our way back to the train station , poor C1 crying the whole way , people staring giving suggestions on how to help , wondering why he is crying . At the exit of the festival a man was trying to sell us a twisty drum , and kept putting the toy in C1 's hand , to get us to buy it for him . C1 was in the stroller at this point , and the salesman was so pushy about it , I just about walked away with the toy in C1 's hand because he wouldn 't take no for an answer . Because of the crowds , it took us about 45 minutes to get back onto the train . Once we got to the train and he was able to sit on my lap , C1 was able to calm down . A family , or multiple families , it was hard to tell , was sitting next to us , and the boy was trying to talk to C1 a bit . I tried to get C1 to say hello in Chinese to the boy , but like me , when he 's sad , he doesn 't talk very loud . Hubby heard the kids talking to the adults asking them why this boy wasn 't talking to them . ( Because remember , my Hubby is amazing and speaks several languages ) . One of the men with the kids pulled out his camera , so C1 and I leaned in and smiled to let them take pictures . Then the woman pulled out her phone to also take some pictures . Once we were off the train , I was holding C1 , and he was holding his new toys ; his stuffed dog that the young lady gave him , and a ball on a string toy . We went with the crowd ( lighter than at the festival ) , and headed toward the escalator toward the exit . C1 starting yelling , and I could feel that he had let go of his ball toy . I yelled at Hubby who is about to step onto the escalator , and we push out of the crowd back out to look for his ball . The exiting train crowd clears a bit , and I have a chance to look , but I didn 't see it anywhere . Ready to give up and let C1 learn his lesson of hanging on tight to his toys , I saw it at the base of the escalator . I ran to grab it and hop on , not even sure where Hubby is . Thankfully he was a few people behind me and followed . Again , a sad and crying boy because he almost lost his new toy . I too was quite tired and frustrated with how things are going . We got back to the apartment about 3pm and let C1 take a bit of a nap . Since we didn 't nap we had some noodles in a cup for dinner and all went to bed by 7pm . C1 enjoys flying on airplanes . Typically when we travel we are only on a 3 - 4 hour flight , and the only time he cries on these flights is when we are landing . As I try to gather our things to get off , he 's crying that he wants to go again . Sometimes we have a connecting flight , so I try to comfort him , that yes , we will go again , we just have to get on another airplane . When we were preparing to go to China the flight was the least of my worries . I knew that C1 could handle it or even enjoy it . As I always do , I over packed snacks and toys and entertainment for him . Especially since on international flights they provide meals and a TV for each seat . Also , I knew I would be getting up every hour to stretch my legs . Being 4 . 5 months pregnant and entertaining a 3 year old went well on our 13 hour flight . C1 won 't nap on a flight until he has seen all the excitement of the take off . Between us , he is the one who gets the window seat . Once we were up and going C1 and I cuddled up and took a good 2 hour nap . Daddy stayed up and watched his movie , good thing he didn 't fall asleep either , or we would have all missed the first meal . After that none of us napped for the rest of the flight . C1 had fun walking around with me doing stretches , dancing and exercising . 13 hours later , our flight was done , we were through customs in China and had found ourselves a taxi to take us to our apartment . First I knew China had relaxed rules on kids and car seats , and we actually decided to forgo bringing ours ; the only time we planned on being in a car from the apartment to the airport . Second , when I got into the taxi , I couldn 't find the seat belt for the middle seat , or the buckle for mine . Not that it wasn 't there , but all the seats were covered in a cloth and covered the belt buckles . To add on top of all this , the 15 - 20 min taxi ride turned into at least an hour ride because our apartment is hard to find . About 30 minutes into our taxi ride and completely worn out C1 is sad , ready to go home , and wants his milk ( which was put in the trunk ) , he turns to me and says , " Mommy , I 'm ready to ride the airplane " . MORE ? ! ? I think to myself . " You just rode the plane for 13 hours and you want more ? " After 3 phone calls from the taxi driver to the apartment building , we found where we needed to be and it 's only 6pm China time . We lugged our 3 suitcases , and 3 carry on bags up the elevator to the 3rd floor and walk into our new home for the next month . C1 is excited to be " home " , but I on the other hand start sobbing . It 's the size of a standard dining room , with a bathroom attached . It includes 2 beds , a " kitchen " and a bay window . The shower is as big as I am round and I feel like the whole place has a thin layer of yuck . By 7pm we dig out our pajamas and are asleep . Only to wake about midnight ready for a new day . All 3 of us were able go back to sleep until 3am , at which point we got up , fiddled around for a bit , and finally convinced C1 to go back to bed until about 6am . Of course nothing is open for breakfast and we haven 't had time to run to the store to get the bottled water or snack food we planned on getting . I am so excited to see C1 growing up . I don 't particularly miss the infant phase of his life , but I think later , I will miss these toddler years . I think this is my favorite time of life ages 2 - 4 . I can 't say for sure , because I 'm truly enjoying every stage of C1 's life . I think it was about his first birthday Hubby and I decided to do every other year a friend party and the other years a family party . Partly because we wanted to save money on so many parties . I enjoy hosting a good party and like to go all out , so I will be saving money by not doing it every year . For his First Birthday we invited Mommy and Daddy friends over for some cake , so that was the " family party " . For his Second Birthday we had a joint party with a friend who is only hours younger than C1 ; a big vehicles " friend party " . For his Third Birthday most of his friends had moved away the previous summer , so it made it a little easier to want a family party . It 's easy for me to change our ' rule ' and have a friend party every year , I love hosting parties . In the morning I surprised him with his floor covered in balloons . He and I have a love for balloons . He is almost always the first one awake and comes to wake us up . That morning before I hear his foot steps to our room I hear , " Mommy , I found balloons ! " He was so excited . Once he was awake we filled the rest of the balloons with the helium to float around the house . I had found on Groupon discount tickets for the Winter Wonderfest here in Chicago . Apparently they have this festival every year here , but this was the first I had ever heard of it . It 's a wonderful indoor festival with rides and bounce houses and ice skating . I bought tickets for all 3 of us and away we went on his birthday . All day C1 was in charge of what we did next . Sadly in my pregnant condition I didn 't get to ice skate with them , but C1 did very well for his first time . On his and Daddy 's second time around C1 started pulling Daddy toward the center of the rink instead of holding onto the side . They did a few bounce houses together . We decorated a sugar cookie . We rode the teacups . We even rode the little train twice . Once we rode everything C1 wanted at the Winter Wonderfest , we then headed to the Chicago Children 's Museum to validate our parking . Of course , we can 't go near the Children 's Museum without going in to play for a bit , and we played at a few of the exhibits before heading home . It was nice to finally have Daddy there to play with . Days earlier C1 and I started making a complicated cake . C1 loves helping me in the kitchen , and at one point when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said , " cake " . I showed him several images of cakes online and he picked out the one he wanted . He settled on a construction cake . After playing all morning , we went home to finish decorating his cake . I couldn 't leave well enough alone , and didn 't want a ton of cake just for 3 people , so I invited friends over to eat cake . No party , just cake and ice cream . I did get everyone a little construction hat to wear as a thank you for coming to eat our cake . We had 4 friends come over and it was perfect . The cake was sloppy , but it turned out great . * You love to help Mommy , except when it comes to cleaning up your toys . You help me with my chores and cooking . You get mad when I do your laundry , because you want to do it yourself . Ah , 2014 is here . Typically , like most of you I make new year goals , but this year I was realistic and didn 't make any . I am however making more of a conscietious effort to be just a little bit better and just do things . I do think about this poor blog every now and again , but alas I still never write . Now I just Instagram and call that good . Toward the end of January I thought , maybe I should write at least once a month about things we did . This way I can have more of a written explanation of things to put with my scrapbook , which I also neglect . So , it 's been a little over two weeks since we 've done the 3 day potty training . Going in I thought it would work , but I still had my reservations that my child wouldn 't catch on and kept our diapers , just in case . I didn 't have the right attitude completely . Hubby on the other hand probably wouldn 't have thought about potty training until our son was closer to 3 years old . He wasn 't opposed , but he thought it might be a bit too soon . Our son was 25 . 5 months old when I got around to potty training him , and it was a SUCCESS . Honestly I do think I could have done it sooner , I just didn 't think about it until after the holidays . A friend gifted us the e - book " 3 day potty training " . Honestly it wasn 't a whole lot different than what you read on blogs or on babycenter . com . Potty training is a learning process not only for the child , but I had to learn how C1 communicates to me . Honestly I didn 't understand at first and this created more accidents . C1 is slightly behind in his speech development and we have been working with a speech therapist . With this speech training , we have C1 repeat words back to us , and like most kids he will only repeat back the last word you say . So , when I would remind C1 to tell me if he needs to go potty , he would repeat back , " potty " . I thought he was just repeating back words , but it turns out , that was his way of telling me he needed to go . When I reminded him and he said nothing back , that was him saying he did not need to go . It worked like this for two and a half days . We would not get a spontaneous request to use the bathroom . Even toward the end of the third day I didn 't realize that C1 was telling me he had to go potty . A few weeks previous he learned to say our friends name " Bobby " , so i thought he was just saying the name . Wise Hubby figured out that " bobby " and " potty " sounded that same coming from him . So C1 knew he had to go potty , but we weren 't listening , he figured out to use sign language for potty , which he had learned a few months before from watching the " potty time " app . The end of the third day we had to leave the house , Hubby needed a ride to the airport . We left the house , not feeling confident that C1 was potty trained . We decided , since we were out we , I , would go fabric shopping and out to dinner with a friend . Once we got to the store I showed C1 where the potty was and reminded him to tell me if he needed to go . While at the store C1 told me without a reminder , that he needed to go potty , and then again at the restaurant . I was so proud . On the way home , something started to stink in the car . I thought that we had a poo accident in the car . We got home , and guess what . No accident ! Again , so proud . It was then that I was convinced that I had just potty trained C1 in 3 days . I knew we were never turning back to diapers . Day 4 was a church day , where I 'm not with him for 2 hours to remind him , and don 't know if he will tell another adult if he needs to go . Usually if your kid has an accident , they will find you so you can take care of it . Well I picked him up after the 2hours and his pants were wet . I think he had his accident close to the end of the 2 hours because I don 't think any of the adults watching the kids noticed that he had an accident . For the first week of being potty trained , he had one or less accidents a day . Some may not call that successful potty training , but I do . But keep in mind , that we also did the night time training , and the one or less a day includes night time . By week 2 of being potty trained he would say he needed to go potty , so we rushed him to the toilet and nothing would come out . This would repeat 3 or 4 times before he would poop in his underwear . I just think he had a hard time getting the poop out . This happened only a few times . Between day one and day two of training , C1 didn 't poop for almost a full day . Finally he told me he wanted a bath in the middle of the day , and as soon as he got in , he pooped , a big one . I think the warm water helped him relax . This was the first and only time he has went potty in the bath . * We never put him in a pull - up . We used underwear for naps and night from day 1 . I did have these pads from the hospital to put under him , so that if he did wet the bed , the sheets wouldn 't need changing . * I learned quick that public restrooms are awkward for children . This will be the only removable potty seat I will buy . I love it because it folds up flat to fit into my purse and I can use it on any toilet . I should have gotten the cars one , but Diego was the cheapest , and C1 doesn 't seem to care . Seat Found HERE . Night training I would say has taken a little longer . C1 still likes to have a drink before bed and it 's hard getting him off of that . I go to bed a few hours after C1 does , so just before I go to bed , I wake him up and have him go potty , and then put him back in bed . After two weeks of doing this , he has finally learned that it 's ok to get up to go potty . Two weeks after starting potty training , he will now get up on his own , wake us up and ask to go potty , then usually go back to bed . Sometimes he tries to prolong going to bed by saying he has to go potty , but all in all , I think he 's doing very well . The only " accidents " we have now is when he 's sitting on the toilet and his aim is not down , if you get my drift . It 's been a while , and I 've been pondering if and how I want to continue this blog . While it would be good for me to put all sorts of things on here about my family , or really our son , so that grandparents and such could keep up with our lives . I 've also put this website on my business cards and tag labels , so I 've thought about keeping it a craft type blog only . I 'd like to be one of the big craft bloggers out there , but really I don 't have enough to share something every day , I don 't create patterns ; which is why people follow craft blogs , for the free patterns and I 'm not really into taking that much time and effort into doing either of those two things . So , for now , I 'm just going to share about some things that have been on my mind lately , mostly about parenting in general . I should probably start with a general explanation of what I believe my parenting style is , but I 'm not going to . Maybe soon I 'll write that one . I will always include pictures , because I mostly look at the pictures on blogs anyway , and decide to read anything based on the pictures . Months ago , maybe six or so months ago , I started talking to C1 about the potty . We bought a special seat for out toilet that has a child size seat that is attached and is always there . { like this one here } Every now and again I would ask C1 if he wanted to use the potty . About a month ago , I sat him on the toilet for about an hour and he happened to go pee in the toilet . We celebrated , but I never pushed anything . I 'm not exactly sure why so many parents are afraid of potty training their child . Just like when I delivered C1 , I was waiting for the Dr . to tell me when to push even though I could tell my body was ready . I seem to be waiting for C1 to ask me to use the potty . I 'm totally ready to potty train him , and to have him out of diapers . I 'm not scared of the process , or the messes , I 'm simply waiting for him , waiting for the age . Initially I was hoping to have a second child by the time C1 turned 2 , so I had hoped to potty train C1 between 18 and 24 months . Hubby seems to think that kids potty train older and is a little resistant to do anything until closer to 3 years . I seem to want to have C1 do things at a younger age than Hubby does . Moving C1 out of his crib and into a bed is a similar story , but I 'll save that for another time . Since I had been thinking a ton about potty training , and C1 seems to understand how the whole thing works , he 's just not that interested or motivated to potty train . I decided , it 's time . We 're going to try the quick . For C1 , I think it will be better to do it as an all or nothing kind of thing instead of a gradual process . So , two days ago , C1 and I went to the store and got our stock for potty training . Here is what we got : Here is my game plan . I have cleared my schedule for 3 days so that I can focus on C1 and his potty needs . The new DVD 's will be to help entertain us during the day , and also because I wanted new movies . We 'll also have arts & crafts planned and games planned for us to do during the 3 days so I don 't go crazy being home bound for that long . We will eat our meals as normal , but we 'll add the salty snacks in between . We 'll have sippy cups all over the house so their is always a drink within reach . The snacks and extra drinks are to help produce more potty to be had during the day . During the 3 day period , C1 will be naked from the waist down , or all the way . I may put underwear on him , so he gets use to the feeling and learns the difference between underwear and a diaper . For every time C1 goes pee pee in the potty he will get a small prize ; a sticker , a single candy . We 'll put a sticker on his success chart for every time he goes pee pee . The chart I chose has 60 spaces to fill , once all the spaces are filled , I 'm thinking ( hoping ) C1 will be pretty well potty trained , our grand prize will be a trip to the zoo . For now we will teach him to go pee pee sitting down . POTTY CHART HERE For every time C1 goes poo poo in the potty he will get a sticker for his chart and one of the toys that he picked . Again , the sticker chart has 60 spaces on it , so he can earn up to 2 stickers for each bathroom visit to work toward going to the zoo . * As I write I 'm still researching different training methods , and have found a fun punch card and may go with that route and change my system a little . For each poo poo he makes , he 'll get a sticker and a punch . In the beginning I 'll use the 6 punch card . Once all 6 are punched , he 'll get a prize . Once he get 's the hang of it more , we 'll move up to the 12 punch in order to get a prize . POTTY CARD HERE During nap time and bed time we will be using the pull ups . I 'm not really that familiar with how dry he is when he wakes , so I 'll use these for sleep only and work on night training as I pay more attention to how wet things are when he wakes . I understand that during this 3 day period I need more patience than normal . I will make friends with my mop and my spot cleaner . We mostly have hard wood floors , but where he plays the most usually has rugs . During day 2 and day 3 we will venture outside to the park near our house for an hour . Possibly two , one hour long trips to the park on day 3 . When we go to the park he will wear his underwear . It 's February , so I don 't want to have nothing on under his pants . I 've learned from reading other blogs and websites to not ask about going potty , but to tell him it 's time to go potty . Or , rush him to the potty if he starts going on the floor . When their is an accident , I won 't get upset ; I will most likely say " oh , no . pee pee goes in the potty " . Then I will rush him to the bathroom where he can finish his business . We will not be buying or using a portable potty , or be allowing him to go potty in the living room . I understand why others might want to do this for the convenience . However , I don 't want C1 to think that it 's ok to go to the bathroom any where else but the bathroom , on the toilet . This is the game plan any way . My 3 day training is not planned for almost another week . I tend to get impatient once I set my mind on something . I also don 't want C1 to loose the excitement of the toys we just bought . I wouldn 't be surprised if I started earlier than my chosen 3 day , and then just really pushed it when my 3 day came . Simple Request If you know our family personally please do not comment with our names or any other personal information . I 'd like to keep this public , but still keep a sense of safety for our growing family . Thanks for reading about This Mom and her family . |
An agent found the third school for me , and it was exactly what I was looking for : it was a smaller school with only a few dozen students ( later expanded to over a hundred thanks to our efforts ) . It was in a town outside of the main city so I had to take a train and a few buses on my way over there , though there was a very simple train - bus route that I could have taken to get there much quicker , but I ended up discovering it on a later date . At this school , I was more free to do my own lessons as long as I followed the school 's basic rules , and I got to live in my own place instead of sharing a house with two pissy manwhores . This interview came at the very tail end of my days at the hostel , and I was almost flat broke . My tutoring had allowed me to stay afloat for as long as I did while I was without work , but by the time I got this interview , I had only about two or three hundred dollars left in my pocket . I worried somewhat about not getting a place with such a little amount of money , but I also wasn 't afraid to be homeless for a month until I got my first paycheck , so it didn 't bother me too much . Because of this , I didn 't actually take the train to the bus station like I was supposed to . After spiking my hair and dressing nicely , I left that day from the hostel several hours early so I could walk straight to the school and save myself some money . Unfortunately , I didn 't pay attention to the storm clouds above and left my umbrella back in my locker at the hostel . It started to drizzle , then sprinkle , then rain , and soon it was like the entire sky opened up to dump down an absolute ocean of rainwater . I was walking by a freeway onramp when the worst of the storm suddenly hit , and it was too late for my hair ; the gel washed out almost immediately , and I was left with a damp mess matted to my scalp . I couldn 't see it , but I knew it looked terrible . I ducked into a convenience store to ask directions to the train stop that had the bus that went to the school . The local girl , a real cutie , told me that I should take the train directly there and that the station was really close nearby . But since I had already walked so far , I decided to just keep walking , and told her that I didn 't have the money to take the train just yet ; I was on my way to an interview to get set up , and I just had to hold out a little longer . And then , this amazing girl smiled , reached into her pocket , and took out $ 2 and handed it to me . I didn 't know what to say except to politely refuse her offer and thank her a lot . I wish I had gotten her number to thank her with coffee or a fun time out later on , but I was such in a rush to get to the interview that I wasn 't thinking straight . I smiled my brightest smile at her , then headed back into the rain in the direction of the train stop I needed to get to . Completely drenched , I finally found my way to the station where I would have gotten off if I had taken the train , and soon found the bus to take me to my potentially new school . It was a humble , nice looking place on a side street , and it had a large gate out front leading into a tiny outdoor play area . There was only one window that allowed a look into one of the classrooms facing the street , and a sliding front door that opened into the office area where a few local women were waiting . I went in the door and met up with my soon - to - be new bosses . I absolutely nailed the interview . I had years of experience tutoring and being a TA , I was charming and confident , I had a working knowledge of the local language and I had all the right answers for all their questions . Natalie , my sub - boss , was a very cute girl , and I was starting to get really interested in her while I was doing the interview , but she soon let slip ( I don 't remember why ) that she had a boyfriend . I suddenly felt a tight clenching in my chest , but I 'll explain why in just a bit . One of the other questions they asked was if I had any special talents . I told them that I used to play a little guitar , but I didn 't know all that much . Natalie smiled and went downstairs to get an old acoustic that they had lying around , and offered it to me to play . It took a few seconds to tune the old instrument , but after I was done , I played a couple of chords and the breakdown from the Tristram Theme from Diablo , but that was about it . Finally , the big boss asked me what I wanted to do with my life , and I told her that I wanted to save up some money , get settled , then start donating to charity as soon as possible to give back for my excellent life . She smiled , but her body language told me that she didn 't believe me . Flashing forward a year later when my contract was up , she confirmed what I suspected , but then said , with no qualifications , that she at last believed what I said and knew what a good man I was . After a few more minutes , the interview was over , and bright smiles from everyone showed that I had gotten the job even before they had confirmed it by email a few days later . But just to clinch it , I noticed some students walking in during the interview to have a class , and when the interview was done , I asked if I could sit in on the class and see how they would like me to teach . About an hour later , I asked if I could do some vocabulary teaching for a while , and my new bosses let me do it for a few minutes . Finally , the kids went home , but I stuck around to help clean up and sort things out for the next day when the school opened again . All of that , plus my excellent interview , got me that job , and the apartment where I would spend some of the happiest days of my life . The clenching feeling I mentioned before came out full bore while I was heading back to the hostel , and for the next hour , I would have the angriest , worst time of my single life , and it was all my fault . For that brief time , I slipped back to the boy I was just a few years before . I walked through the night on that lonely street , thinking to myself that yet another girl was taken , and I would never date or have fun in my life , no matter where I went . I blamed God . I blamed myself . I blamed everyone in the world , and wrapped myself up in a comfortable anger as I continued my way back to the train station . I completely forgot about other awesome girls like Nell and May . I forgot about all the things I had seen , and all the progress I had made . I pushed all of this out of my mind for the entire hour , and even as I came across the train station , I simply passed it up to keep walking straight back to the hostel , which ended up being a ten or fifteen mile trip , because I wanted time to think . When the hour was up , I had calmed down . My optimism and confidence slowly returned , and I was back to living my life , shaken , but more or less content . The pivot that was my mental state was weighted far , far closer to happiness than the depression it was tilted towards during my high school and college days . It was simply a matter of waiting for the scale to tip automatically back to where it was supposed to be after something came along to shake me to my core . All of my work improving myself since I was 21 helped me to automatically settle myself and return to the greatness of being me , instead of defaulting to depression . It was pitch black by the time I crossed the bridge to the main city . I didn 't have a compass at that point , so I just wandered into a mechanic 's garage that was still open at the late hour and asked the gentlemen inside where northeast , and the street my hostel was on , were . They gave me a vague pointing in the direction I was supposed to go , and after thanking them , I wandered in that direction until I found an intersection that was familiar to me . A few minutes later , I was back in the hostel , showering and getting ready for bed . Just a day or two later , I said goodbye to the owner of the hostel and thanked her for everything she had done for me . Ken , May and everyone else I had known at the hostel were long gone , leaving me the only one of the original crew to pick up and find his new path in life . I called the elevator , took a last look at the place where I spent the best month of my life , smiled , then went downstairs to head out to my new apartment , and my new life . The last experience of Then and Now 42 picks up on my first night out , and my time as a working man with ample cash and time to follow his dreams . My bud and I overstayed our welcome at his aunt 's house by a week or two . She was starting to get tired of having us around ( and even said she was drinking to fall asleep at night ) , so we both knew it was time for us to head out . About a week after the deadline , and a week before we eventually left , my bud and I decided to split our house finding duties between the two of us : I would go to a pay - by - the - hour internet cafe to find a long list of phone numbers for apartments that needed to be rented , and my bud would call them all and find the place for us . It was very difficult for me , my language skill not being anywhere close to what it was a month later . In fact , I was really annoyed with my bud , because even though he was fluent in the language , he still expected me to find places on the net when I had little idea as to what the ads were saying . When I returned with the phone numbers , my annoyance turned to irritation when he basically put me on a complete blackout for an entire week as to whether he found us a place or not . I didn 't ask , assuming that if he said nothing , that it was good news and we would be leaving for a place together . But the night before we were ready to leave , when I asked him what was going on to make sure , he said he was going to move in with his grandmother in the main city , and that they didn 't have a place for me . I asked him about the numbers I gave him , and he said that none of the places were still free . I got really nervous , then asked him what I was supposed to do for housing . He just shrugged , and said no more . At the time , I assumed that because we were living together for over a month , I guess I had started to get on his nerves , and my bud was trying to punish me or something for bothering him . We slept , then woke up the next day with the morning sun shining through the window . I was still nervous as hell , but then he told me that he found a hostel for me to stay at while I looked for work . I told him that I didn 't have the finances to stay for more than a week or two and that I might end up homeless , then asked him if I could stay with him at his grandmother 's place . He flatly refused , saying that she was the one who was turning me away , and berated me for not finding more phone numbers . It was uncharacteristic of him to act like that , at least to me , but it was a harsh lesson well learned about never trusting other people with my life , and to always take proactive action for myself . Before we left his aunt 's place , we found a little lizard chilling on the wall of the room , which had been staying there for who knows how long . Both my bud and I tried to capture it with a plastic container to take it outside , but we had no luck , and just left it for his aunt to take care of . And finally , after giving his aunt the crystal sculpture that I had bought for her as a thank you for her hospitality , my bud and I were off to the train station . His father was there to meet us and we bought tickets on a train that headed straight to the main city , but it turned out that our luggage was going on a separate train . My bud , again , decided to let me work out the bag processing on my own with the local officials , but I had only a partial idea as to what to say . Luckily , there were some really nice foreigners there who spoke the local language impeccably , and they helped me to get everything set up . After chatting for a few minutes , I PSP 'd my way up to the main city with my bud and his dad , and then we were finally there . We took the subway to a stop that I don 't remember and walked among the tall buildings of the main city , and I was interested to see that while it seemed the same style as the city we had just come from , it still had little differences to make it special and unique : unlike my bud 's aunt 's town , the buildings were taller , and there were more signs advertising wares around . Also , there was a lot more bustle of people going to and fro , the streets were much wider , and while I had met approachable and friendly people where I had come from , this new place was full of quieter people who dressed more formally , but fashionably . After a few minutes walking in the heat , the three of us went to a steakhouse to have lunch . It was kind of sad because they served the steak in little pans shaped like cows . Still , although I never really liked steak , I had to admit that the meal was delicious . The sun was starting to set then , and my bud 's father left to take care of some business . Needing some supplies , my bud and I went to a local store nestled quietly among a line of quiet houses at the foot of some humble forested mountains , and went in to get some soap , shampoo and deodorant for our new abodes . Apparently , the market was only a few blocks away from the place my bud was going to stay at . As I passed through the checkout , I realized I didn 't have enough money to buy my stuff and a bag , because I was a few cents short . But out of nowhere , a smiling old lady appeared behind me and offered me not only enough money to buy a bag , but gave me her extra bag as well . I thanked her a bunch and packed up my new swag , flashed her a smile , then my bud and I went outside to get ready to take me to my new digs . It was a much needed show of graciousness for me when I was still pretty terrified about what was going to happen in my life from then on , and I 'm still grateful to that woman . A quick taxi ride later , my bud took me to the hostel where I would spend the greatest month of my life . I was really scared at the bottom floor , knowing my money was running out and I had to find work quickly , but I kept it all bottled up as my bud said goodbye . As he drove away in the taxi , that was the moment I started to really change myself , and I used this time of adversity to make myself as strong and happy as possible . Then and Now 5 describes this change so I 'll leave this post where it is , but there is one last thing I have to mention before I draw my experiences at my bud 's aunt 's place to a close : I couldn 't have been luckier that things worked out the way they did . My bud 's grandma is a shouting , abusive terror , and her caretaker and my bud received the brunt of it . At the same time , I was , for the first time in my life , a free man on his own , living in an excellent country surrounded by excellent people and adventure , and every day was another certainty to put a beaming smile on my face . Nell and I met up at the underground mall one day to look around , and got a really excellent lunch at one of the restaurants down there . We went in to get some delicious spiced meat soup , and brought in a bowl of ice cream that we bought and shared together . The lunch was so nice that we met up again a few days later to have dinner together at a little local restaurant outside of the main station . We ordered some breaded meat and started to talk about our college lives when the owner came up to get our completed order slip . I was wandering the main city one day , somewhere near the temple from Then and Now 18 , I think . I got myself lost and was walking around the city to see if I could find anything interesting . Most of what I saw was a wide and empty road that went past a thick tree line on one side , and a humble field on the other . I was out with Tina visiting a huge park area one dark night . It was a kind of dedication place to a local hero , and there were several huge arches welcoming visitors to wide fields of grass with a few cobbled streets leading between them , all the way to a massive set of stairs that led to a building that housed the hero 's statue . Tina and I didn 't go in that night , but I went there later during my 2012 vacation to see it more clearly . That night , I took some pictures with her , then we headed down some quiet , dark streets towards the main station . The trees hung tall over us , the roads were emptying out , and it felt like we were all alone in the city . On the way , she taught me how to say " hate " in a cute way , but it was kind of useless because only girls really used it . Still , I figured I could recognize it when I heard it , so I nicked it and tucked it away into my memory . After a long and peaceful walk , we were back at the main station , and Tina called a friend to find me the perfect bus that would take me directly back home . I was surprised , because I normally had to take two or three forms of transportation to get back . The ride was smooth , calm and easy , a perfect end to a gentle , easy night out with a good friend . Back at my bud 's aunt 's place , the both of us found it extremely easy to get lost . There were a lot of tall buildings around , especially where his aunt lived , so we often got lost wandering in the little lanes and alleys that went between them . As time went on we got better and better at navigating our town , but until we got the lay of the land , we had a clever way to find our way back to our place . There was a building there , much larger than any of the others and somewhat near the ocean , that would sometimes tower far above the other ones at the right angle . We used that thing as a compass many times to get to and from the shopping mall where I practiced my local language skill , and my bud went window shopping . I still remember that beacon of safety rising in the distance to offer us a way back home . We went into a mall next to it one day , and I went in to one of the stores to buy something . I don 't remember what it was , but I do remember getting up to the cashier and trying to use my neophyte skill at the local language to ask how much the item was . I ended up saying something incorrect like " How many money ? " Unfortunately , either this guy was shocked to see a foreigner speaking his language , or was just a little slow , because he just didn 't get it , even after I repeated myself and gestured to the item twice . My bud finally stepped up and said the correct phrase and the guy nodded in understanding to tell me the price , and I learned a new phrase for my own use . I still don 't know what that cashier was thinking . After I started dating my girlfriend , I was still meeting people through the week , some of them girls . This day was no different . One weekend , I met up with a local college girl to see a famous outdoor market with a huge seafood marketplace in the middle of it . We met up in the train station and she was easy to spot , because she was the only local with her eyes glued directly on me . She was an intimidating girl who hardly let me speak and didn 't seem interested in anything I had to say , making me wonder why she even bothered to ask me to hang out , but at least I got to have a little tour of the market I wanted to see . The fish bazaar had a huge , high roof and was packed to the gills with people eating nasty fish in every direction at tables strewn about the place . I was interested to see the swimming sea creatures in their water tanks before they were prepared to be eaten , but I had more fun outside walking through narrow alleys past dozens of non - seafood shops . We parted soon after , and a few days later , I got a strange email from my girlfriend . She told me that some girl I didn 't know had seen me out with the college girl , and recognized me from my internet profile . My profile at that point said that I was dating my girl , and I provided a link to her profile there , so this unknown girl used that link to email my girlfriend to warn her that I was cheating on her . She added to " be careful " because her last boyfriend was a foreigner , and he had two timed her . |
An agent found the third school for me , and it was exactly what I was looking for : it was a smaller school with only a few dozen students ( later expanded to over a hundred thanks to our efforts ) . It was in a town outside of the main city so I had to take a train and a few buses on my way over there , though there was a very simple train - bus route that I could have taken to get there much quicker , but I ended up discovering it on a later date . At this school , I was more free to do my own lessons as long as I followed the school 's basic rules , and I got to live in my own place instead of sharing a house with two pissy manwhores . This interview came at the very tail end of my days at the hostel , and I was almost flat broke . My tutoring had allowed me to stay afloat for as long as I did while I was without work , but by the time I got this interview , I had only about two or three hundred dollars left in my pocket . I worried somewhat about not getting a place with such a little amount of money , but I also wasn 't afraid to be homeless for a month until I got my first paycheck , so it didn 't bother me too much . Because of this , I didn 't actually take the train to the bus station like I was supposed to . After spiking my hair and dressing nicely , I left that day from the hostel several hours early so I could walk straight to the school and save myself some money . Unfortunately , I didn 't pay attention to the storm clouds above and left my umbrella back in my locker at the hostel . It started to drizzle , then sprinkle , then rain , and soon it was like the entire sky opened up to dump down an absolute ocean of rainwater . I was walking by a freeway onramp when the worst of the storm suddenly hit , and it was too late for my hair ; the gel washed out almost immediately , and I was left with a damp mess matted to my scalp . I couldn 't see it , but I knew it looked terrible . I ducked into a convenience store to ask directions to the train stop that had the bus that went to the school . The local girl , a real cutie , told me that I should take the train directly there and that the station was really close nearby . But since I had already walked so far , I decided to just keep walking , and told her that I didn 't have the money to take the train just yet ; I was on my way to an interview to get set up , and I just had to hold out a little longer . And then , this amazing girl smiled , reached into her pocket , and took out $ 2 and handed it to me . I didn 't know what to say except to politely refuse her offer and thank her a lot . I wish I had gotten her number to thank her with coffee or a fun time out later on , but I was such in a rush to get to the interview that I wasn 't thinking straight . I smiled my brightest smile at her , then headed back into the rain in the direction of the train stop I needed to get to . Completely drenched , I finally found my way to the station where I would have gotten off if I had taken the train , and soon found the bus to take me to my potentially new school . It was a humble , nice looking place on a side street , and it had a large gate out front leading into a tiny outdoor play area . There was only one window that allowed a look into one of the classrooms facing the street , and a sliding front door that opened into the office area where a few local women were waiting . I went in the door and met up with my soon - to - be new bosses . I absolutely nailed the interview . I had years of experience tutoring and being a TA , I was charming and confident , I had a working knowledge of the local language and I had all the right answers for all their questions . Natalie , my sub - boss , was a very cute girl , and I was starting to get really interested in her while I was doing the interview , but she soon let slip ( I don 't remember why ) that she had a boyfriend . I suddenly felt a tight clenching in my chest , but I 'll explain why in just a bit . One of the other questions they asked was if I had any special talents . I told them that I used to play a little guitar , but I didn 't know all that much . Natalie smiled and went downstairs to get an old acoustic that they had lying around , and offered it to me to play . It took a few seconds to tune the old instrument , but after I was done , I played a couple of chords and the breakdown from the Tristram Theme from Diablo , but that was about it . Finally , the big boss asked me what I wanted to do with my life , and I told her that I wanted to save up some money , get settled , then start donating to charity as soon as possible to give back for my excellent life . She smiled , but her body language told me that she didn 't believe me . Flashing forward a year later when my contract was up , she confirmed what I suspected , but then said , with no qualifications , that she at last believed what I said and knew what a good man I was . After a few more minutes , the interview was over , and bright smiles from everyone showed that I had gotten the job even before they had confirmed it by email a few days later . But just to clinch it , I noticed some students walking in during the interview to have a class , and when the interview was done , I asked if I could sit in on the class and see how they would like me to teach . About an hour later , I asked if I could do some vocabulary teaching for a while , and my new bosses let me do it for a few minutes . Finally , the kids went home , but I stuck around to help clean up and sort things out for the next day when the school opened again . All of that , plus my excellent interview , got me that job , and the apartment where I would spend some of the happiest days of my life . The clenching feeling I mentioned before came out full bore while I was heading back to the hostel , and for the next hour , I would have the angriest , worst time of my single life , and it was all my fault . For that brief time , I slipped back to the boy I was just a few years before . I walked through the night on that lonely street , thinking to myself that yet another girl was taken , and I would never date or have fun in my life , no matter where I went . I blamed God . I blamed myself . I blamed everyone in the world , and wrapped myself up in a comfortable anger as I continued my way back to the train station . I completely forgot about other awesome girls like Nell and May . I forgot about all the things I had seen , and all the progress I had made . I pushed all of this out of my mind for the entire hour , and even as I came across the train station , I simply passed it up to keep walking straight back to the hostel , which ended up being a ten or fifteen mile trip , because I wanted time to think . When the hour was up , I had calmed down . My optimism and confidence slowly returned , and I was back to living my life , shaken , but more or less content . The pivot that was my mental state was weighted far , far closer to happiness than the depression it was tilted towards during my high school and college days . It was simply a matter of waiting for the scale to tip automatically back to where it was supposed to be after something came along to shake me to my core . All of my work improving myself since I was 21 helped me to automatically settle myself and return to the greatness of being me , instead of defaulting to depression . It was pitch black by the time I crossed the bridge to the main city . I didn 't have a compass at that point , so I just wandered into a mechanic 's garage that was still open at the late hour and asked the gentlemen inside where northeast , and the street my hostel was on , were . They gave me a vague pointing in the direction I was supposed to go , and after thanking them , I wandered in that direction until I found an intersection that was familiar to me . A few minutes later , I was back in the hostel , showering and getting ready for bed . Just a day or two later , I said goodbye to the owner of the hostel and thanked her for everything she had done for me . Ken , May and everyone else I had known at the hostel were long gone , leaving me the only one of the original crew to pick up and find his new path in life . I called the elevator , took a last look at the place where I spent the best month of my life , smiled , then went downstairs to head out to my new apartment , and my new life . The last experience of Then and Now 42 picks up on my first night out , and my time as a working man with ample cash and time to follow his dreams . My bud and I overstayed our welcome at his aunt 's house by a week or two . She was starting to get tired of having us around ( and even said she was drinking to fall asleep at night ) , so we both knew it was time for us to head out . About a week after the deadline , and a week before we eventually left , my bud and I decided to split our house finding duties between the two of us : I would go to a pay - by - the - hour internet cafe to find a long list of phone numbers for apartments that needed to be rented , and my bud would call them all and find the place for us . It was very difficult for me , my language skill not being anywhere close to what it was a month later . In fact , I was really annoyed with my bud , because even though he was fluent in the language , he still expected me to find places on the net when I had little idea as to what the ads were saying . When I returned with the phone numbers , my annoyance turned to irritation when he basically put me on a complete blackout for an entire week as to whether he found us a place or not . I didn 't ask , assuming that if he said nothing , that it was good news and we would be leaving for a place together . But the night before we were ready to leave , when I asked him what was going on to make sure , he said he was going to move in with his grandmother in the main city , and that they didn 't have a place for me . I asked him about the numbers I gave him , and he said that none of the places were still free . I got really nervous , then asked him what I was supposed to do for housing . He just shrugged , and said no more . At the time , I assumed that because we were living together for over a month , I guess I had started to get on his nerves , and my bud was trying to punish me or something for bothering him . We slept , then woke up the next day with the morning sun shining through the window . I was still nervous as hell , but then he told me that he found a hostel for me to stay at while I looked for work . I told him that I didn 't have the finances to stay for more than a week or two and that I might end up homeless , then asked him if I could stay with him at his grandmother 's place . He flatly refused , saying that she was the one who was turning me away , and berated me for not finding more phone numbers . It was uncharacteristic of him to act like that , at least to me , but it was a harsh lesson well learned about never trusting other people with my life , and to always take proactive action for myself . Before we left his aunt 's place , we found a little lizard chilling on the wall of the room , which had been staying there for who knows how long . Both my bud and I tried to capture it with a plastic container to take it outside , but we had no luck , and just left it for his aunt to take care of . And finally , after giving his aunt the crystal sculpture that I had bought for her as a thank you for her hospitality , my bud and I were off to the train station . His father was there to meet us and we bought tickets on a train that headed straight to the main city , but it turned out that our luggage was going on a separate train . My bud , again , decided to let me work out the bag processing on my own with the local officials , but I had only a partial idea as to what to say . Luckily , there were some really nice foreigners there who spoke the local language impeccably , and they helped me to get everything set up . After chatting for a few minutes , I PSP 'd my way up to the main city with my bud and his dad , and then we were finally there . We took the subway to a stop that I don 't remember and walked among the tall buildings of the main city , and I was interested to see that while it seemed the same style as the city we had just come from , it still had little differences to make it special and unique : unlike my bud 's aunt 's town , the buildings were taller , and there were more signs advertising wares around . Also , there was a lot more bustle of people going to and fro , the streets were much wider , and while I had met approachable and friendly people where I had come from , this new place was full of quieter people who dressed more formally , but fashionably . After a few minutes walking in the heat , the three of us went to a steakhouse to have lunch . It was kind of sad because they served the steak in little pans shaped like cows . Still , although I never really liked steak , I had to admit that the meal was delicious . The sun was starting to set then , and my bud 's father left to take care of some business . Needing some supplies , my bud and I went to a local store nestled quietly among a line of quiet houses at the foot of some humble forested mountains , and went in to get some soap , shampoo and deodorant for our new abodes . Apparently , the market was only a few blocks away from the place my bud was going to stay at . As I passed through the checkout , I realized I didn 't have enough money to buy my stuff and a bag , because I was a few cents short . But out of nowhere , a smiling old lady appeared behind me and offered me not only enough money to buy a bag , but gave me her extra bag as well . I thanked her a bunch and packed up my new swag , flashed her a smile , then my bud and I went outside to get ready to take me to my new digs . It was a much needed show of graciousness for me when I was still pretty terrified about what was going to happen in my life from then on , and I 'm still grateful to that woman . A quick taxi ride later , my bud took me to the hostel where I would spend the greatest month of my life . I was really scared at the bottom floor , knowing my money was running out and I had to find work quickly , but I kept it all bottled up as my bud said goodbye . As he drove away in the taxi , that was the moment I started to really change myself , and I used this time of adversity to make myself as strong and happy as possible . Then and Now 5 describes this change so I 'll leave this post where it is , but there is one last thing I have to mention before I draw my experiences at my bud 's aunt 's place to a close : I couldn 't have been luckier that things worked out the way they did . My bud 's grandma is a shouting , abusive terror , and her caretaker and my bud received the brunt of it . At the same time , I was , for the first time in my life , a free man on his own , living in an excellent country surrounded by excellent people and adventure , and every day was another certainty to put a beaming smile on my face . Nell and I met up at the underground mall one day to look around , and got a really excellent lunch at one of the restaurants down there . We went in to get some delicious spiced meat soup , and brought in a bowl of ice cream that we bought and shared together . The lunch was so nice that we met up again a few days later to have dinner together at a little local restaurant outside of the main station . We ordered some breaded meat and started to talk about our college lives when the owner came up to get our completed order slip . I was wandering the main city one day , somewhere near the temple from Then and Now 18 , I think . I got myself lost and was walking around the city to see if I could find anything interesting . Most of what I saw was a wide and empty road that went past a thick tree line on one side , and a humble field on the other . I was out with Tina visiting a huge park area one dark night . It was a kind of dedication place to a local hero , and there were several huge arches welcoming visitors to wide fields of grass with a few cobbled streets leading between them , all the way to a massive set of stairs that led to a building that housed the hero 's statue . Tina and I didn 't go in that night , but I went there later during my 2012 vacation to see it more clearly . That night , I took some pictures with her , then we headed down some quiet , dark streets towards the main station . The trees hung tall over us , the roads were emptying out , and it felt like we were all alone in the city . On the way , she taught me how to say " hate " in a cute way , but it was kind of useless because only girls really used it . Still , I figured I could recognize it when I heard it , so I nicked it and tucked it away into my memory . After a long and peaceful walk , we were back at the main station , and Tina called a friend to find me the perfect bus that would take me directly back home . I was surprised , because I normally had to take two or three forms of transportation to get back . The ride was smooth , calm and easy , a perfect end to a gentle , easy night out with a good friend . Back at my bud 's aunt 's place , the both of us found it extremely easy to get lost . There were a lot of tall buildings around , especially where his aunt lived , so we often got lost wandering in the little lanes and alleys that went between them . As time went on we got better and better at navigating our town , but until we got the lay of the land , we had a clever way to find our way back to our place . There was a building there , much larger than any of the others and somewhat near the ocean , that would sometimes tower far above the other ones at the right angle . We used that thing as a compass many times to get to and from the shopping mall where I practiced my local language skill , and my bud went window shopping . I still remember that beacon of safety rising in the distance to offer us a way back home . We went into a mall next to it one day , and I went in to one of the stores to buy something . I don 't remember what it was , but I do remember getting up to the cashier and trying to use my neophyte skill at the local language to ask how much the item was . I ended up saying something incorrect like " How many money ? " Unfortunately , either this guy was shocked to see a foreigner speaking his language , or was just a little slow , because he just didn 't get it , even after I repeated myself and gestured to the item twice . My bud finally stepped up and said the correct phrase and the guy nodded in understanding to tell me the price , and I learned a new phrase for my own use . I still don 't know what that cashier was thinking . After I started dating my girlfriend , I was still meeting people through the week , some of them girls . This day was no different . One weekend , I met up with a local college girl to see a famous outdoor market with a huge seafood marketplace in the middle of it . We met up in the train station and she was easy to spot , because she was the only local with her eyes glued directly on me . She was an intimidating girl who hardly let me speak and didn 't seem interested in anything I had to say , making me wonder why she even bothered to ask me to hang out , but at least I got to have a little tour of the market I wanted to see . The fish bazaar had a huge , high roof and was packed to the gills with people eating nasty fish in every direction at tables strewn about the place . I was interested to see the swimming sea creatures in their water tanks before they were prepared to be eaten , but I had more fun outside walking through narrow alleys past dozens of non - seafood shops . We parted soon after , and a few days later , I got a strange email from my girlfriend . She told me that some girl I didn 't know had seen me out with the college girl , and recognized me from my internet profile . My profile at that point said that I was dating my girl , and I provided a link to her profile there , so this unknown girl used that link to email my girlfriend to warn her that I was cheating on her . She added to " be careful " because her last boyfriend was a foreigner , and he had two timed her . |
Make yourself happy and make the world a better place by doing kind things for strangers . It does not necessarily take any money , just a little time and effort . Pay it forward by helping others , and you will reap the rewards . Real Life Stories of Kindness This week , my husband has been away on business . I have an autistic daughter , and any time spent single - parenting is very stressful . On the second night being a temporary single parent , the doorbell rang in the evening , and when my younger son went to open it , there was a big bouquet of balloons there ! A dear friend from growing up had heard I was going to be going through a tough week , and sent them to me just as a booster . Kind acts like that make life worthwhile . One day in Cambridge I met an old , foreign lady who was buying chocolate for her grandsons in a sweet shop . She was ahead of me in the queue . She went to pay , then she found she had no cash , and the shop couldn 't accept credit cards . Disappointed , she had to leave the chocolate at the counter and go away . I was behind her , and I could see how sad she was . So I bought her chocolate , run out of the shop , and went to her . And I gave her the chocolate as a gift . Her eyes brightened up , in between embarrassment and joy , and she thanked me warmly . And I felt so good all the day . I was in a terrible auto accident three years ago . I lost control of my car while driving down a steep hill and flipped eight times and landed upright in a creek . It hurt . It hurt bad . I can still hear the sounds of screeching tires , breaking glass , and crunching metal . I was seriously injured and bleeding heavily . I managed to free myself from my vehicle , which was submerged in a creek and made up to the roadway . I tried without success to flag down several passing vehicles . Finally , I collasped and began to lose consciousness just as two complete strangers came to my rescue and called the authorities . I have never seen them since , but it confirmed in me that there are some people still willing to display acts of kindness with any promise of reward . When I was 19 years old , I was quite overweight , and I had set a personal goal to lose approximately 80 pounds over the 12 months . I started out doing a little bit of exercise and trying to eat healthy , but after just a few days , I found myself slipping back into my old habits . My brother , who has always been a big supporter of everything I have done or tried to do in my life , noticed me struggling with the process , and went out of his way to help me . He surprised me with a gym membership , and even went as far as cooking healthy meals for me . In no time , I could see the pounds starting to come off . Before I knew it , I was both slimmer and feeling much better mentally and physically . My brother didn 't have to help me , nor speak up about my struggles , but he did everything he could to help me achieve my goal , and that was one of the kindest , most generous experiences of my life to date . This incident occurred a few days ago . I was buying a ticket at the local railway station when two men came up to me and asked " where this train is headed to ? " i said i don 't know and they rushed to another guy with the same question . After some time those same men were standing behind me and were collecting every penny out of their pockets to buy a ticket suddenly some one told them this train does not goes to that city they were wishing for and their faces were like they were about to burst crying any moment . So i asked them what happened ? they then told me whole story that they were not from his city . They were brought here by a man that promised them to give a job . That man gave him a job but never payed him . All they were getting was food and nothing else . So after working for 3 months they decided that they would return their own home , so they sold their cell phone for money and were boarding this train and someone told this train won 't to their place . So i called my friends and asked them to look for their train on internet and told them their correct train . I felt very good after helping them somehow . As a twenty year old first time mother I still remember how useless , unorganized and naive I was , which started the very moment I brought my daughter home from the hospital . I felt there wasn 't enough time in the world to take care of her let alone trying to clean the house . I would sit and stare at the mess while feeding her and it drove me absolutely crazy . Now that my daughter and her friends are having children of their own , those memories are flooding back . Instead of sending flowers or gifts , I chose to send my house - cleaner over . Sometimes I do it while they are at the hospital , other times I wait until their spouse can get them out of the house for a few hours . I 've never told any of them I am behind it , but while most say they know it was me , I have never admitted it . Knowing what a sense of relief it brings them makes me tremendously happy . Ten years from now they may forget other gifts they got , bOne time I rode the bus to school , my mother had given me a $ 50 bill to pay for the bus ticket and some other stuff , I got to my stop and tried to pay with the money I had , but the driver said he had no spare change and I was gonna stay inside the bus until he drove me back to the place he picked me up from . He started yelling at me and being really rude about the whole thing , then this girl who was about my age , told the driver off , told him to stop being a jerk and so childish , paid for my ticket and pulled me out of the bus with her . It might seem like nothing but I thought it was so kind of her to worry when everybody else just stood there and looked at me like I was an awful person , and to be honest , if it had happened to somebody else , I wouldn 't have been so nice . When my family got evicted from our apartment when I was in high school due to my parents not being able to pay the rent , a friend of my mom 's allowed us to live in his apartment for the time being and helped us move there by driving our stuff there in his car . Later , he paid an over $ 1000 security payment for us to get us into the apartment next door . He received no personal benefit from all this , and also taught my parents to cook beef deliciously with oyster sauce while we were staying with him and gave us some cabinets for our new home . The same year as 9 / 11 , our house burnt down . It was late afternoon ; we stood outside and watched the flames and smoke , slowly dissolve all our happy memories , and plans of future events that were still to take place in our beautiful residence . The last thing on our mind was what our next step would be with two little girls and our cat . It started to rain , but too late , as the fire brigade had already killed the fire . I cried in my husband 's arms . Our neighbour , who lived up the street , was watching the whole debacle . He walked up to my husband and said , please collect your family , my wife has cooked dinner for you , and has made up the beds . You are most welcome to come and live with us until you have found alternative accommodation . We stayed with them for a week ; they helped us with everything , right down to clothes and toothpaste . I have always been eternally grateful for their compassion and genuine good nature to lend such a helping hand in our time of need . I remember one of my friends in school when we were in class 10 . His name was Ajit and I was not a very close friend until an incident earned him my respect and made him a very close friend to him . I remember returning home from school with him where we saw a helpless puppy on the road . It 's mother died in an accident since a dogs body was laid across the road . The puppy was all alone , its brothers and sisters had died of the cold harsh weather one by one . We used to see them everyday , and their number decreased day by day until only one was left . One day Ajit did not come to school and I went home alone and did not see the puppy . I thought it must have died too . The next day Ajit took me to his home , saying that it was a surprise . When I reached his home , I was welcomed with a soft bark . I saw the same puppy that was there on the street . Ajit had brought it home against the will of his parents and fed it and bathed it . Thanks to his show of kindness a life was saved . Today , the puppy has grown up to be a three year old dog named Jenny . And ever since that incident my respect towards Ajit has increased quite a lot . The show of kindness deeply moved me . In 2009 , while waiting for a bus to take me to school , I was involved in a motor accident . The woman driving lost control of the car and in an attempt to stop the vehicle , she swerved onto the curb and crushed my left foot . In excruciating pain , I was rushed to the hospital by strangers for first aid treatment . Eventually , I had to spend months receiving treatment and rehabilitation but throughout the period , I was encouraged by friends ( and even strangers ) who reached out to help me in innumerable ways . Luckily , I have since recovered and can never forget the little acts of kindness from random people that got me through those dark days . Since then I try to help at least one person every day . I have a friend whom I teaches the Bible with . His family are doing well in terms of financial stability but his father doesn 't want him to study the Bible . But he still continues to . Because of this , his father cast him out of the house and doesn 't provide for him anymore . I took him into our house , although we are not really as rich as his family is and referred him to the company where I 'm working . It turns out well because later on , he was able to provide for himself . Whilst backpacking around Europe i found myself in a sticky situation , all my belongings , wallet and clothes were stolen . All i had left was my passport and a plane ticket to my next destination . After telling one of the staff at the youth hostel i was staying in about my problem she offered to help me out . Together we found out how to wire money from my parents to my next city stop , she printed out a map of how to get to the place where i could pick it up . She called my next hostel and explained the situation arranging for me to check in but pay a day later when i had picked up the wired money . Then she searched lost property to find me a couple of t shirts and a pair of shorts to wear . I couldn 't believe her kindness . Just when i thought everything would be fine i realized i didn 't have any money to pay for the train to get to the airport . That 's when she gave me enough money to cover the ticket . To this day i am thankful for her kindness . Without her my trip would have been over . I returned to the hostel on my way home and returned the money she had lend me , she was pretty surprised ! This event restored my faith in human nature and I truly believe that most people out there are good . During my vehicle training I met one accident . The tempo hit my vehicle , and I fell down . The tempo wheels are running on my hand . After that I saw lot of blood bleeding from my hand . I unable to stand , because of blood loss . Lot of people around me . But nobody helps me . One person came near to me like a good Samaritan . He take me to his vehicle and he went to hospital . He admitted me and he is with me until my treatments are finished . I couldn 't forgot him . At that time he done lot of work to me . After my family members are arrived he handed over me to them and go away . I never forgot him . Love for Mother - I rely my actions from a verse I read from the Bible that we must give full love and respect to elders , widows and orphans . I pass on this practice to my children who have showed their affection and willingness to take of my 99 year mother who died just recently . I have 3 children 2 boys and a girl whom I raised with my mom . I told them about the verse that if you give love and respect to old people , widows and orphans , God will give you long and comfortable life . This training I have with them showed up when in the last 3 months of my mom � s life that she cannot stand up and do personal hygiene in the bathroom . I cannot imagine how they felt in times that they have to remove the body waste from her . This happens many times because she will even go to the bathroom in her bed at meal time and it my two sons who alternately quietly attend to clean her . Amazing that even when we bring back memories , they don 't have bad feelings on that hard time they have with their grandmother . It a testimony that I love to share to praise God . One fine morning when i was going to college , i was stuck in traffic which was heavy on that day . On the moment I saw a old aged couple . Unfortunatly both are blind are trying to cross the road . There are many people around waiting for their bus nobody was trying to help , my mind thought to help them without any delay . I reached them and held their hands and helped them in crossing that heavy and dangerous traffic . They thanked me and blessed me , I felt very happy for doing such a things . At present , I 'm unemployed and homeless . I live in a hotel . I belong to a networking group for unemployed people over the age of 50 . After I attend the weekly meeting , I went out to the parking lot and discovered I had a flat tire . The organization paid for my tire to be fixed , $ 240 . 00 . What a blessing and an act of kindness . I have a considerable mobility problem , and walk with 2 sticks . I recently learned to drive and get around in an adapted car . Last week , I took my 6 yr old daughter out for a hot chocolate after school . We got back to the car after dark , and she got in . As I slowly stepped out into the road to get into the drivers side , an elderly man appeared and grabbed me by the arm - thought I wanted to cross the road and was trying to see me across the street ! My car was running low on gas ( almost empty ) and I didn 't have any money . I went to a charitable organization 's office for help . It was located in a church . Unfortunately , when I got there , it was closed . A lady who volunteered at the church saw me walking away from the entrance and asked if I needed help . When I explained my situation , without hesitation , she took the last $ 10 in her wallet and gave it to me . I was not only shocked by the random act of kindness by a stranger , I was also humbled . I never like to ask people for help . I 'm always the one offering assistance . Now I know how it feels to be a recipient . What a wonderful feeling . I am a college student . And i have this friend . I admire him a lot . He 's smart and diligent . I don 't know what he is thinking . He is always encouraging me when i am down . Even if i debate his suggestion . He never ashamed to having foolish fiend like me . He always available for me to ask about something . Whereas , i don 't even worthy for him . Often , he treats me when i don 't have money . Even if he knows that i spend a lot of my money to buy cigarettes . And he hates cigarette much . I hope i can be a person like him . When I was 10 or 11 years old my family went camping at a military base that had camping sites for service members or family of service members . One day while camping my sister and I walked to the small general store they had near the campsite and tried to use the soda machine to buy a bottle of soda . The machine didn 't accept a dime we had though and didn 't return the money so we were short 10 cents . We asked an elderly woman if she would be willing to give us a dime and she graciously gave us three dimes . This is a story of my kindness for my neighbor . In the month of December we had planned a long holiday picnic . Everything was at the right place . I had done all the bookings for planes & hotels . Just two days before our picnic , the mother of my neighbor had a severe heart attack . She was admitted to the hospital & had to immediately undergo angiography . Then the doctor told him to do an angioplasty the very next day as there are many blockages . He needed around 150 , 000 INR immediately . He asked me about money . As I had already spent all the cash for hotel bookings & plane tickets , I am very short of cash . But that night I had decided to cancel picnic and help neighbor in terms of money . Next day I had canceled all hotel & plane bookings online . Till evening 75 , 000 INR get deposited in my bank account which I had handed over to my neighbor . Initially my family was upset with me , but later all of them supported my decision . I received the great blessings of my neighbor 's mother which are far more important for me than a picnic . Once i got late to the office and hurriedly walking in my street to cross the road because i was getting late to my office , if i go late then it will be LOP for me . So i was concentrating in walking while i was trying to cross the main road one blind lady who is very old hold my hand for a second . Then i thought she need my help and i called call taxi and drop her to her home . At that point of time i didn 't care about my office . Our province is notorious for terrible weather . Angry hurricanes to swirling snow and sleet - we pretty much get it all . And , as a poor and car - less student , sometimes the only option is to bundle up as best you can and face the outdoors . On one particular occasion , we had a terrible storm the evening before which left snow drifted 4 to 5 feet high near the roads . The side walks weren 't plowed , but regardless of the the difficulty we had to get to class . We were slipping and falling as we walked down the 4 lane road , desperately hoping not to slid under a wheel , whenOne day I am going to the market to buy some vegetables for my house use . I am walking through the road side . Suddenly I saw a lady and a child trying to cross the road . They are in middle of the road , a car comes very fast and hit the child . The child was seriously injured . That car gone fast . They did not try to save the child . A large crowd to watch that accident but no one try to save the child . The lady cried loudly , she requested everyone crowded there to help the child to the hospital . But no one try to help her . But I am trying to catch a vehicle , but no one stop vehicle . I call the Police . Police came , but time too late . The child is died . That incident hurt my mind every time . A friend of mine and my husband recently lost his mother . He was now an orphan as he alos lost his father many years ago . He does not have any sibling or close relatives . All the distant relatives showed their sympathy and got back in their own life . We , then decided to persuade him to move to the same city as ours . He then shifted his job from the old city and started staying in our city , in the same neighborhood . We now celebrate all festivals together , and recently planned his surprise birthday bash . We plan outings together and try to keep him happy so that he doe not miss a family . He is now seeing a girl and we are trying to get him married so that he can have a happy married life and form his family . It feels great to bring happiness and a smile to someone 's life - especially when a person has had so many traumatic experiences . It is 8 years back story . I had completed my higher study in Science and was in job immediately . The job was good and well paying . After working for sometime I felt an urge to change the job and applied for another job . There were 4 candidates for the job and after the interview we all came back to our homes . As expected I was selected due to my qualification and experience . It was mainly due to experience and the salary offered was also good . Company gave me 15 days time to join . We were very happyOne fine morning , I went to draw my money from an ATM that was opposite to my office . That was a busy morning road , held up with heavy traffic , which took nearly half an hour for me to cross the road . Almost when I reached the other side of the road , a lady in her 20 's was driving the vehicle . she came and crashed me with the vehicle and I fell down on the road . Luckily I was at the end of the road , so with light rashes , I somehow managed to get up . , But the lady fell down with the vehicle on the other side , where a car ran over her left leg . , She was screaming in pain , and thank god , she was not held up with a major injury . When i saw her crying with injury , I got panic and felt very sorry for her . By the meantime , there was a huge crowd , with traffic roaring . Immediately , within a fraction of second I lifted her and carried her to the nearby hospital and informed her parents and gave her some amount for further recovery . Till this moment , I am wondering , how I got the energy to lift her . Thank God , she had a minor air - crack and little bruises . I wished her a speedy recovery and came back to office . I have been living in this town for the last 45 years . Many ups and downs faced in these long years reels back like the tape rewinded . When i look back 5 years ago the events still linger in my mind and will be there till i am in grave . I rembember one summer morning , sounds and noise from the next door house which was vacant for the last 8 months . My children and my self quite eager to meet the newcomers and so the went to introduce ourselves to the new tenants . They were father and mother and 2 sons John and Harry . The boys were in their high school term , father was a worker in a factory near by and mother was a house maker . We continued to be good neighbours for a year and a half . Suddenly disaster and misfortune captured this family . John and Harry were told one day that there mother had gone insane and had been sent to lunatic asylum . The boys were now to leave under the custody of their father . This man was lesClick Here For Page 2 of Kindness Stories |
Introduction : Uncle Bob invites his niece Chrissy to be his ' date ' for a semi - formal event , and provides the dress . But she doesn 't have the right bra to wear with it . He takes her shopping , and gets a lot more than he bargained for in the process . Bra Shopping With Uncle Chrissy was happy to be spending the summer with her Uncle Bob . He was her favorite Uncle because he was always so happy to see her . He was nice , and funny and handsome too . Whenever he looked at her and gave her his special hugs , she always felt so special . When her mother had decided to go to Europe with her father to set up the new branch of his company , Chrissy had begged to be allowed to stay in the United States . Her father had estimated that it would take a year to get the new branch off the ground and making a profit . Chrissy didn 't want to go to a strange school in a foreign land . But they wouldn 't let her stay at home alone in the big old house . And , since Uncle Bob lived across town , She could keep an eye on the house and stay with him while he kept an eye on her . It was the perfect arrangement , assuming Uncle Bob would consent to being " babysitter " for a teenage girl . When his sister asked him , Bob had acted like it was a bummer , but had agreed to take his niece in . Secretly Bob was ecstatic . Chrissy was his favorite niece . She was beautiful , a good hugger , and intelligent too . Bob didn 't want to admit it to anyone , but he 'd had several excellent beat off sessions with her in mind after seeing her in a thin T shirt , or that little blue bikini she wore in the back yard to suntan in . So it was that Chrissy arrived at Bob 's house with two suitcases in tow , and a worn Teddy bear under her arm . Fran , her mother , told Bob that if she needed more clothes , they were in the house , and gave him a key . Then , with a quick kiss goodbye , and an admonishment to Bob to take good care of her baby , she was off . Bob had married his high school sweetheart right after school , and had lost her a year later in a terrible accident . He 'd been too devastated to re - enter the dating game and , other than his frequent beat off sessions , he 'd just done without sex in the ten years since then . Their original bedroom had been left just as it was and he 'd moved into a downstairs bedroom . There was another one down the hall , and he gave that one to Chrissy . It was summer , so there was no school . Bob conducted most of his business on the internet , so he didn 't have to go anywhere to work most days . He spent hours in front of the computer , while Chrissy spent hours working on her tan . Chrissy was dressed in her customary gym shorts and tank top . As she showed Bob how to read and interpret a recipe he leaned over and got a good look down the loose tank top . He sucked in his breath . Chrissy wasn 't wearing a bra . Her modest breasts were perfectly white where her bikini covered them , but the surrounding flesh was dark , almost brown . In the middle of each white area was a circle of pink , with a nice perky nipple perched on each one . Bob felt his cock begin to stiffen . He knew what his beat off fantasy would be tonight . He managed to get through the recipe , but had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom , where he pounded his meat and shot off in the stool so he could get his cock to go down . Then they ate what they 'd prepared . It was delicious , he decided , just like his cute niece . Later that night , while he was watching TV , Chrissy was taking a shower . When she got out she wrapped a towel around her long blond hair , and another around her torso . It covered her from chest to thigh and she thought nothing of walking into the living room to ask her Uncle where the body lotion was . He stared at her and didn 't answer . Bob was staring at the bottom of the towel , imagining that it was only about two inches from a juicy teenaged and probably virgin pussy . He finally snapped out of it . " Huh ? Oh . Uh yeah . I 'm fine . What was it you wanted ? " " Um , gosh . You know , I don 't even know if I have any . Would massage oil be the same thing ? There 's some of that up on Mary 's dressing table . " Chrissy looked uncomfortable . He shook his head . " Oh . Here . I 'll go with you . " He stood up and immediately turned around . His dick was stiff again , and it was making an obvious tent in his silk pajama bottoms . Quickly he snatched an afghan off the back of the couch , muttering " Let me just straighten this up . " and held it in front of him as he led the way to what he now called " Mary 's room . " When they got there the hinges squeaked as he opened the door . " Hmmm . I need to oil those " he said . " I don 't come in here much any more . " Chrissy was staring around at fashions and decorating that was ten years out of date . Bob walked over to the vanity and picked up a dusty bottle . He looked at the label . " Mad Jack 's Scented and Edible Massage Oil " he read out loud . Then he blushed as his niece turned . " What a funny name . Who would want to eat massage oil ? " She came and took it from his hands , turning over to read the contents . " This will do just fine " she said and rising on her tip toes , she hugged her Uncle . Chrissy stepped back , grabbing at the towel and lifted it to drape across her front . That exposed the now huge lump in the front of Bob 's PJs . Chrissy stared at the lump while Bob stared at Chrissy . Both pinked up in the face . Again , Bob said " Oh Shit ! " and his hands jerked to cover his erection . " Um . . . sorry " he said and he turned and fled downstairs to his bedroom . That night , when it came time for his cum to arc out onto the towel he 'd spread on his bed beside him , Bob had to get up . He 'd shot past the towel , and his spooge was all over the floor . The next morning , as they ate breakfast , neither of them could look at the other . They managed to get through breakfast and Bob went to the computer . He had a new email , inviting him to a party at the yacht club . He was invited to bring a date . He sat and tried to think of a woman he could invite , but he really didn 't know any he would like to take except some married women , and that wouldn 't go over . He found her on the lawn , beside the swimming pool . She was in that tiny bikini he liked so much , the one that was responsible for the super white skin around her pink nipples . He couldn 't look at her now without getting a boner , he thought in panic . " Chrissy , I 've been invited to a party . . . a fancy party . . . and I need a date . I don 't suppose you might be willing to go ? " She bounded up off the ground , her bikini - covered breasts bouncing delightfully . " I 'd LOVE to , Uncle Bob . That would be just too cool . What should I wear ? " Bob remembered a particular dress his wife had worn one time , a dress that had taken his breath away . It would still be on a hanger in her closet . He looked at Chrissy critically . She was about the same size . " Come with me " he said . Again , they found themselves in Mary 's room . He rummaged through the closet , looking for a deep blue long dress . There . In the back . He brought it out and held it up . " Let me try it on " she said , and she pulled it on over her bathing suit . It fit her like a glove , but the straps of her bikini showed . " Turn around " she said , and he did . The vanity mirror was right in front of him and he could see her clearly in it . She dropped the dress to her waist and undid her bikini top , dropping it to the floor . There again were her luscious tasty looking breasts . She pulled the dress back up . " OK , you can turn around now . " she said . It still fit her well , but something was missing . She noticed too . She faced the mirror and finally she put her hands on each side of her breasts and pushed them together , and up . Instantly she had cleavage and the dress looked much better . Bob 's hands were itching to take the place of hers . " Nonsense " he said . " You just need one of those Wonder Bras or something . " " But my bikini strap lines show too " she complained . This was true . Where the spaghetti strap that went around her neck was there was a thin white line . Bob 's head jerked . Mary HAD been over endowed in the breast department . She 'd been a 38DD and Chrissy must only be about a 36 C . Bob flushed at the idea Chrissy was assumed to be his girlfriend , but left . He noticed that Chrissy didn 't say anything either . When he got back , Chrissy and Janet , as he was now introduced to her , were the best of friends and there were items of lingerie draped everywhere . Janet stood up and took the dress , holding it out to examine . " Hmmmm , this is a beautiful gown . I think we might just be able to make this work . She took Chrissy and the dress into the back of the store . Bob , with nothing else to do , began to look at the items spread out in the waiting area . They hadn 't been there when he left , so Janet had obviously been showing them to Chrissy . He looked at the sizes and they were about what he 'd expect Chrissy to wear . Then he saw what some of them were and his dick started to get stiff again . There was a gold colored teddy that would go very well with Chrissy 's hair . It had a bra with it that had holes where the nipples would be , and with lace around those holes . The panties that went with it were so sheer as to be almost invisible . The jacket would come down only to the top of the hips , and was more to hide and expose the bra than to keep anyone warm . Any woman who wore this outfit was screaming " FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME " without saying a single word . There were more like this , about six or seven outfits in all , and all of them made to advertise a woman 's wares and cause a man to shoot in his pants . The aggregate message they sent was " I want to get pregnant , and I need some help please . " By the time Bob had examined them all , his cock was iron hard and his balls were tight and full . He was about to sit down to hide his erection when Janet waltzed out of the curtained back room . Janet grinned . " You dirty old man . You 're robbing the cradle for sure with little Chrissy , but she says she loves you and she sounds like she means it . And who am I to say you 're too old for her ? " She touched his arm and pointed at the seat . " Here , sit down before you get dizzy and faint . Chrissy 's ready . She called out Chrissy 's name . The curtain moved and his niece came out . It was a good thing he was seated , because he 'd have fallen over backward for sure . Something had been done to the dress to make the bust area smaller . Now Chrissy 's breasts bulged outward , with fully half of them exposed , almost to the nipples . He thought he saw a hint of pure white skin where the neckline finally stopped . It fit her like a glove . She twirled and he gulped as he saw nothing across her back but tanned soft skin . " I think he likes it " said Janet laughing . " And , Chrissy ? " She got Chrissy to stop twirling " The things you picked out passed the boner test with flying colors . " Chrissy blushed and Bob looked from one woman to the other helplessly as he tried to figure out what was going on . Janet assumed her professional sales person persona and gathered up the purchases . As she rang them up she said " I did the alterations for free once I got to know Chrissy . She 's a real darling . I only charged you for the materials for the built - in bra for the gown . But I 'm making some money on the rest . " Her chatter distracted Bob from looking at the final bill and Janet gladly accepted his credit card . She kept up the chatter until he sighed it . Then she leaned over and whispered " You 're a very very lucky man to have a girl like Chrissy . And you 're going to be a very very happy man later on tonight . " " Well , Janet helped . I mean she asked me some questions and all . I sort of let her believe you were my . . . boyfriend . I 'm sorry , but then she showed me some things . We talked about them a little . She sort of made suggestions and I thought they were good suggestions . I guess I thought the outfits were pretty . When I tried them on they made me feel . . . I don 't know . . . special . You know ? " Bob did not know . But if he understood her , Chrissy had just said that she 'd either chosen the items he 'd seen , or had agreed with Janet that they would be good for her to own . Just the thought of Chrissy in even one of those outfits made Bob 's prick leak cream in his pants . And she said she tried them ALL on . IF he was going to make it home with dry pants he 'd have to do something drastic . He told Chrissy to go on in and he 'd be in in a minute . He didn 't dare get out of the car the way he was . She 'd see for sure . He puttered around in the garage for a few minutes , practicing some yoga breathing , trying to relax . Finally his prick relented and fell to half hard . When he went in he smelled cooking . She 'd started without him . He went into the kitchen and saw bowls and ingredients spread all over the place . " It 's Lasagna tonight " she said cheerily and she commenced to tell him how to make it . They chatted as they ate and he helped clean up . He sat down after dinner to watch TV , but Chrissy said she was going to " go play with her new clothes . " It all came rushing back - his vision of her wearing the gold outfit , her pink nipples up thrust through the holes , begging to be sucked . He saw in his mind 's eye her reddish muffy through the translucent panties . He imagined her looking at him , wanting him . . . . letting him . He was hard as a rock in seconds . The TV show forgotten he got up and went to his own bedroom . He made it last , this beautiful fantasy , as he stroked his rigid cock , and let himself come close to cumming several times before , with a soft groan , he emptied his balls on a towel , this time making sure it all went in a big puddle there . He drifted off to sleep in the rosy afterglow of a good squirt and was sleeping quite soundly when Chrissy opened the door and came in to get her good night kiss . Chrissy gasped as she saw her naked uncle laid out on the bed . One leg was straight , and the other bent , his hands at his side . He snored lightly . There was a folded up towel beside him on the bed , by his hip . She stared at his penis , a dark wrinkled sausage lying sideways on a nest of brown hair . It was pointing at her . She couldn 't resist getting to see a real grown up penis up close . She 'd been in heat ever since his boner had pressed into her groin that night . She 'd felt it first , and when he stepped back she saw the tent . It was lots bigger than she 'd thought something like that would be . Now , there it was , right in front of her . She tip - toed over to the bed and bent over . She smelled something musky . . manly . Her eyes went to the towel and there , in one corner , was a raised puddle of something that looked a lot like pudding . It was thick and white . She shivered as she realized what it must be . She knew about masturbation , at least in theory . She often stroked herself in the shower , and sometimes in bed if she was too agitated to get to sleep . So that white stuff must have come from . . . his penis . Janet had said he was hard at the shop , when he saw the things she 'd chosen . Up to that point she 'd just tried them on for fun , but when she found out they gave her Uncle an erection , she decided she wanted them . For some reason she wanted to wear them . For him . She shivered and stared at his penis . It didn 't look very impressive . It was only about three or four inches long , and maybe as big around as a fat carrot . It had skin that covered the head almost completely , except for a tiny little circle of shiny darker looking skin underneath . That part had a little slit in the very tip . There was some of that milky looking stuff that had oozed out of that slit and had caught around the puckered edge of the circle of wrinkled skin . She thought back to health class . Foreskin ! That 's what they called that hood that covered the tip . At the base of this strange thing there was a round sack that she knew contained his balls . It too was shriveled up and looked almost limp . But inside that sac was where the stuff on the towel came from . Chrissy had been aghast , squealing " Ewwwwww " , but Angela swore that it tasted almost sweet and wasn 't nasty at all . And there , right in front of her , was some of that mysterious sperm . She touched the puddle with one finger . She opened her mouth and looked up . Then she lowered the string into her open mouth . She squeezed her eyes closed as it went past her vision . It hit her tongue and she closed her mouth on her finger , dragging it out . She couldn 't decide what to do next . Should she leave and spit it out ? She didn 't want to swallow it . Events overtook her , though , and her mouth filled up with saliva . Finally she allowed herself to taste it . Hmmmmmm . Nothing much , really . Maybe musky tasting , like the smell . But not bad . Uncle Bob rolled over and she fled out the door scared to death that he 'd wake up and find her looking at his naked body . She ran to her room , closed the door and jumped into bed . She was agitated . She couldn 't get to sleep . She knew what to do about that . She used the same finger that she 'd dipped in the sperm . The next morning Chrissy acted like nothing had happened , but she felt a thrill as she kissed her uncle goodbye as he went off to do some errands . She was very excited about getting to go to the party . It would be her first grown - up party . She planned on looking grown up . She spent most of the day taking care of her skin , and getting her hair just so . She did her nails and even painted her toenails like her mother did . Then she went over the dress , pressing it , making sure everything was perfect . She loved the feel of it as it cupped her naked breasts . For reasons she couldn 't quite explain she decided to wear the purple panties Janet had picked out for her . . . the naughty ones . . . with a hole between the legs . It made her shiver just thinking about wearing them . Bob called Chrissy around 3 : 00 PM to remind her that the party was that night . She told him she 'd be ready to go , but that he couldn 't see her until they were ready to leave . He got home at five , took a shower and put on his tux . When he was ready to go he knocked on her door . " Be right down " she yelled , and he went downstairs to wait by the door . She was gorgeous and she looked about twenty four , instead of the seventeen he knew she was . The dress fit her like a glove now . She twirled for him . Janet had done more than adjust the bust . The back plunged almost to the crack of her ass . Her entire tanned back was bare . It was one of those things that made a man think the dress might just fall off of her front any minute . With the dark blue of the dress he almost missed the band of the purple panties , just barely visible at the bottom of the back . " How do I look ? " she said , like a little girl . " Sweetheart , I 'm going to have to stop and buy a gun on the way . Otherwise every man in the place will be after you . " he said . " Yeah , but I can tell what color your panties are . " he tried not to smile as her mouth went to an ' O ' . She blushed and ran into the bathroom . Half a minute later she came back out . Now he COULD see the beginning of the crack of her ass . He looked more closely . She 'd shoved them down somehow . He couldn 't see them any more . He sure enjoyed trying , though . " All better . " he said and held out his arm . She turned and covered her smile with one slim hand . She was looking at his lap . When he glanced down he could see the same tent she was looking at . " I guess you pass the boner test . " he said ruefully . She wasn 't scandalized , like he thought she would be . She just giggled and took his arm . They both had a wonderful time at the party . Bob was proud as the other men at the party looked enviously at his date . She convinced them all she was at least twenty - five , and the women hated her . Several men asked her to dance , but she rebuffed them gently , saying she had hurt his feelings earlier and had promised to make it up to him by dancing only with him that night . And dance they did . He couldn 't believe that dress clung to her body when she danced to rock and roll tunes . And on the slow dances he held her close . She snuggled in , putting her arms around him . Several times he found his hands sliding up and down her naked back , his erection plainly digging into her stomach . Twice he apologized to her , but each time she said " Hush . . . just dance with me . " He almost had it under control when , during one slow dance he got carried away with the music and slid his hands down farther than he should have . They dipped into the back of the dress and he found himself holding two firm naked ass cheeks . She hadn 't shoved the panties down . She had taken them off ! " Uncle BOB ! ! " she whispered into his chest . He jerked his hands out , but the feel of her flesh remained in his mind . Her hands squeezed his butt and she giggled as his erection poked her again . " I 'm tired " she said softly . " Can we go home now ? " They didn 't speak on the way home . He was sure she was disgusted with him for being so blatantly turned on . For her part she had had a wonderful time and was just thinking about how nice it had been . They got home and he pulled off his tie . " Chrissy , I want to apologize . . . " " Not one word ! " she looked stern . She went to the stereo in the bookcase and began fiddling with the radio . Soft music came out and she came back to him . " Dance with me " she said . " One last dance . The perfect end to a perfect night . " Surprised and relieved , he took her in his arms again . They swayed and his hands were once again on her naked back . He couldn 't help it . His hands went lower . . . lower . . . lower . Her hands followed , ending up on his butt as she pulled his loins against hers . His hands slipped into the dress . Her butt cheeks were hot . . . soft . . . firm . She went " Hmmmmmmm " Then she pushed him away and said " I 'd better go get ready for bed . " She kissed him on the cheek and ran down the hall to her room . Bob stood there , aching with need . There was no way he 'd make things last tonight . He was going to blow his cork soon and probably twice before he would be able to get to sleep . She was one sweet piece . He made it to his room door and was about to go in when Chrissy stuck her head around her own slightly open door . " Uncle Bob ? " she said . Now what was that all about ? He didn 't want to be caught with the tux pants showing his hard on , so he slicked out of his monkey suit and threw it in a corner . He slid on a pair of gym shorts and got into bed . He laid his rod up along his stomach and pulled the sheet up over it , bunching it up a little to conceal his desire . He wished she 'd hurry up . He needed to beat off in the worst way . " You got me a new night gown " she said , with a great deal of dignity . " I wanted you to see it . Does it look OK ? " Bob stared , slack jawed . She still had her makeup on and her hair was still done up high on top of her head . She reached up , pulled some pins and her hair fell down around her shoulders . Her nipples looked stiff and swollen . They were dark , almost red . In fact , they were the exact same shade as her lipstick . He stared as she came closer and closer . Then she was standing right next to the bed . Her hand reached out slowly . She grasped the sheet and lifted it slightly . She pulled it down , exposing his shorts , exposing the tent in his shorts , exposing him for the pervert he was . Bob looked up at her confused . Her eyes looked smoky . Very slowly she slid the jacket off her shoulders and let it drop to the floor . Then , as he watched in a daze , she grasped the waistband of his shorts and began tugging them down . He reflexively lifted his hips and she gave a little sound as his rampant prick came into view . She kept going until the shorts were completely off . Without a word she tugged his legs apart . Her hand went to heft his balls , like she was weighing them . Then her fingers , light as silk , drifted along his exposed erection . It wasn 't lying down on his abdomen now . It had raised itself up to maybe a 30 degree angle . One finger slid gently over the tip and then she pulled that finger up in front of her eyes . There was a dollop of cream on it - precum . In abject amazement he watched as she put that finger in her mouth and sucked the white dollop off of it . She looked him in the eye . " I was afraid it wouldn 't be hard . . . that you wouldn 't find me . . . attractive . " She climbed up onto the bed and straddled his legs . With her legs spread he could see right through the sheer panties . What he saw were a pair of pussy lips . An animal sense overtook Bob . He couldn 't have told you how he did it , but he suddenly found himself on top of his niece , between her wide spread legs , the sheer gold panties dangling from one ankle . He didn 't remember doing it , but his prick was buried in her teen pussy . He couldn 't remember if she had been a virgin or not , if he had hurt her or not . All his senses were arrowed in to the feeling of hot , wet , pussy wrapped around his prick , and the feeling of stroking into that priceless pussy as her teenaged voice wailed in pleasure . Chrissy woke . It was dark . She still felt wrung out , and there was an odor in the air she wasn 't familiar with . It was the odor of sex , and it smelled good . She sensed , more than felt her Uncle 's body in the bed with her . Memory cascaded into her mind and she gasped at the remembrance . She 'd planned on something happening , but she hadn 't been prepared for the intensity of it all . There was a distant ache in her loins , a soreness of muscle , as if she 'd done too many sit - ups or something . She slid a hand down her naked stomach to where she 'd shaved all the hair off . It was still soft . And wet . And slippery . She smiled in the dark as she remembered how he 'd been mindless until he froze , growling . His penis , that same shriveled piece of sausage , had been deep inside her . Only it hadn 't been shriveled any more . It had transformed into something eight inches long and at the same time hard as rock and soft as a baby 's butt . Then he 'd given just a little push , like he was trying to get it even deeper and it had swelled . Then . . . warmth . . . and wetness . . . spurts of wet heat she could feel in her core . She 'd known instantly that it was his seed , flowing into her . She hadn 't actually meant to lose her virginity . Well , not this particular night , anyway . But once that pain was gone and the amazing overpowering feeling in her loins started , all that was thrown out . She knew right then that she wanted this wonderful thing in her again and again and again . And that was before her first actual orgasm . She smiled again and went back to sleep . She woke again and now it was getting light out . She had to pee , so she slipped out of bed without waking her Uncle . Then she took a quick shower and put on a robe . She was finishing up waffles , sausage and eggs when her Uncle stumbled into the kitchen , fresh out of the shower himself . He looked like he was in pain . She crossed her arms under her breasts . She knew guilt when she saw it . She didn 't feel guilty , and she didn 't want him feeling that way either . " The only thing I need to go out for today is linguini . We don 't have enough for lunch . " Chrissy went , pushed him against the back of the chair and swung a leg over his lap . In the process her robe gaped open and it was obvious she was naked beneath it . She sat , facing him , and tried not to squirm . It wasn 't a long passionate tongue swapping kiss . It was just the kiss of a woman who loves a man and wants him to know that . When she was done his eyes were round and he had a look of hope on his face . " Now , eat your breakfast before it gets cold . You need a good breakfast so you can get through the rest of the day . " She slipped off his lap and served him his plate . While he was eating she started for the doorway . " I need to get dressed . There 's something I want to do today . " " But I thought you said . . . " Bob let it die as he heard her feet hitting the squeaky boards in the hallway . He didn 't think he 'd ever understand women . He thought back to the night before . Bits and pieces of it were coming back to him . He kept examining his memory for looks of horror or hurt on his beautiful niece 's face , but they weren 't there , thank goodness . All he could remember were her arms pulling him closer , her hips slamming up at him and her warbles of ecstasy as she rolled from one orgasm into another . He had to control himself . What had happened was a fluke . She 'd apparently forgiven him . He mustn 't blow it now . He heard her coming back down the stairs . " You done yet ? " came her far - off question . She was grinning . " I don 't think I 'm actually pregnant yet . " she said softly . " Do you suppose you might find time today to help me with that ? " In fact , he helped her for the rest of the summer , even though by late August it was obvious that Chrissy was doing what women were made to do - carrying a baby . She loved this particular bun in this particular oven , because she loved its father . She wasn 't sure how it would all break out with her parents , but by the time they got back to the States the baby would have been born and be several months old . It would be a little late to " send it back " then . |
Introduction : Uncle Bob invites his niece Chrissy to be his ' date ' for a semi - formal event , and provides the dress . But she doesn 't have the right bra to wear with it . He takes her shopping , and gets a lot more than he bargained for in the process . Bra Shopping With Uncle Chrissy was happy to be spending the summer with her Uncle Bob . He was her favorite Uncle because he was always so happy to see her . He was nice , and funny and handsome too . Whenever he looked at her and gave her his special hugs , she always felt so special . When her mother had decided to go to Europe with her father to set up the new branch of his company , Chrissy had begged to be allowed to stay in the United States . Her father had estimated that it would take a year to get the new branch off the ground and making a profit . Chrissy didn 't want to go to a strange school in a foreign land . But they wouldn 't let her stay at home alone in the big old house . And , since Uncle Bob lived across town , She could keep an eye on the house and stay with him while he kept an eye on her . It was the perfect arrangement , assuming Uncle Bob would consent to being " babysitter " for a teenage girl . When his sister asked him , Bob had acted like it was a bummer , but had agreed to take his niece in . Secretly Bob was ecstatic . Chrissy was his favorite niece . She was beautiful , a good hugger , and intelligent too . Bob didn 't want to admit it to anyone , but he 'd had several excellent beat off sessions with her in mind after seeing her in a thin T shirt , or that little blue bikini she wore in the back yard to suntan in . So it was that Chrissy arrived at Bob 's house with two suitcases in tow , and a worn Teddy bear under her arm . Fran , her mother , told Bob that if she needed more clothes , they were in the house , and gave him a key . Then , with a quick kiss goodbye , and an admonishment to Bob to take good care of her baby , she was off . Bob had married his high school sweetheart right after school , and had lost her a year later in a terrible accident . He 'd been too devastated to re - enter the dating game and , other than his frequent beat off sessions , he 'd just done without sex in the ten years since then . Their original bedroom had been left just as it was and he 'd moved into a downstairs bedroom . There was another one down the hall , and he gave that one to Chrissy . It was summer , so there was no school . Bob conducted most of his business on the internet , so he didn 't have to go anywhere to work most days . He spent hours in front of the computer , while Chrissy spent hours working on her tan . Chrissy was dressed in her customary gym shorts and tank top . As she showed Bob how to read and interpret a recipe he leaned over and got a good look down the loose tank top . He sucked in his breath . Chrissy wasn 't wearing a bra . Her modest breasts were perfectly white where her bikini covered them , but the surrounding flesh was dark , almost brown . In the middle of each white area was a circle of pink , with a nice perky nipple perched on each one . Bob felt his cock begin to stiffen . He knew what his beat off fantasy would be tonight . He managed to get through the recipe , but had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom , where he pounded his meat and shot off in the stool so he could get his cock to go down . Then they ate what they 'd prepared . It was delicious , he decided , just like his cute niece . Later that night , while he was watching TV , Chrissy was taking a shower . When she got out she wrapped a towel around her long blond hair , and another around her torso . It covered her from chest to thigh and she thought nothing of walking into the living room to ask her Uncle where the body lotion was . He stared at her and didn 't answer . Bob was staring at the bottom of the towel , imagining that it was only about two inches from a juicy teenaged and probably virgin pussy . He finally snapped out of it . " Huh ? Oh . Uh yeah . I 'm fine . What was it you wanted ? " " Um , gosh . You know , I don 't even know if I have any . Would massage oil be the same thing ? There 's some of that up on Mary 's dressing table . " Chrissy looked uncomfortable . He shook his head . " Oh . Here . I 'll go with you . " He stood up and immediately turned around . His dick was stiff again , and it was making an obvious tent in his silk pajama bottoms . Quickly he snatched an afghan off the back of the couch , muttering " Let me just straighten this up . " and held it in front of him as he led the way to what he now called " Mary 's room . " When they got there the hinges squeaked as he opened the door . " Hmmm . I need to oil those " he said . " I don 't come in here much any more . " Chrissy was staring around at fashions and decorating that was ten years out of date . Bob walked over to the vanity and picked up a dusty bottle . He looked at the label . " Mad Jack 's Scented and Edible Massage Oil " he read out loud . Then he blushed as his niece turned . " What a funny name . Who would want to eat massage oil ? " She came and took it from his hands , turning over to read the contents . " This will do just fine " she said and rising on her tip toes , she hugged her Uncle . Chrissy stepped back , grabbing at the towel and lifted it to drape across her front . That exposed the now huge lump in the front of Bob 's PJs . Chrissy stared at the lump while Bob stared at Chrissy . Both pinked up in the face . Again , Bob said " Oh Shit ! " and his hands jerked to cover his erection . " Um . . . sorry " he said and he turned and fled downstairs to his bedroom . That night , when it came time for his cum to arc out onto the towel he 'd spread on his bed beside him , Bob had to get up . He 'd shot past the towel , and his spooge was all over the floor . The next morning , as they ate breakfast , neither of them could look at the other . They managed to get through breakfast and Bob went to the computer . He had a new email , inviting him to a party at the yacht club . He was invited to bring a date . He sat and tried to think of a woman he could invite , but he really didn 't know any he would like to take except some married women , and that wouldn 't go over . He found her on the lawn , beside the swimming pool . She was in that tiny bikini he liked so much , the one that was responsible for the super white skin around her pink nipples . He couldn 't look at her now without getting a boner , he thought in panic . " Chrissy , I 've been invited to a party . . . a fancy party . . . and I need a date . I don 't suppose you might be willing to go ? " She bounded up off the ground , her bikini - covered breasts bouncing delightfully . " I 'd LOVE to , Uncle Bob . That would be just too cool . What should I wear ? " Bob remembered a particular dress his wife had worn one time , a dress that had taken his breath away . It would still be on a hanger in her closet . He looked at Chrissy critically . She was about the same size . " Come with me " he said . Again , they found themselves in Mary 's room . He rummaged through the closet , looking for a deep blue long dress . There . In the back . He brought it out and held it up . " Let me try it on " she said , and she pulled it on over her bathing suit . It fit her like a glove , but the straps of her bikini showed . " Turn around " she said , and he did . The vanity mirror was right in front of him and he could see her clearly in it . She dropped the dress to her waist and undid her bikini top , dropping it to the floor . There again were her luscious tasty looking breasts . She pulled the dress back up . " OK , you can turn around now . " she said . It still fit her well , but something was missing . She noticed too . She faced the mirror and finally she put her hands on each side of her breasts and pushed them together , and up . Instantly she had cleavage and the dress looked much better . Bob 's hands were itching to take the place of hers . " Nonsense " he said . " You just need one of those Wonder Bras or something . " " But my bikini strap lines show too " she complained . This was true . Where the spaghetti strap that went around her neck was there was a thin white line . Bob 's head jerked . Mary HAD been over endowed in the breast department . She 'd been a 38DD and Chrissy must only be about a 36 C . Bob flushed at the idea Chrissy was assumed to be his girlfriend , but left . He noticed that Chrissy didn 't say anything either . When he got back , Chrissy and Janet , as he was now introduced to her , were the best of friends and there were items of lingerie draped everywhere . Janet stood up and took the dress , holding it out to examine . " Hmmmm , this is a beautiful gown . I think we might just be able to make this work . She took Chrissy and the dress into the back of the store . Bob , with nothing else to do , began to look at the items spread out in the waiting area . They hadn 't been there when he left , so Janet had obviously been showing them to Chrissy . He looked at the sizes and they were about what he 'd expect Chrissy to wear . Then he saw what some of them were and his dick started to get stiff again . There was a gold colored teddy that would go very well with Chrissy 's hair . It had a bra with it that had holes where the nipples would be , and with lace around those holes . The panties that went with it were so sheer as to be almost invisible . The jacket would come down only to the top of the hips , and was more to hide and expose the bra than to keep anyone warm . Any woman who wore this outfit was screaming " FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME " without saying a single word . There were more like this , about six or seven outfits in all , and all of them made to advertise a woman 's wares and cause a man to shoot in his pants . The aggregate message they sent was " I want to get pregnant , and I need some help please . " By the time Bob had examined them all , his cock was iron hard and his balls were tight and full . He was about to sit down to hide his erection when Janet waltzed out of the curtained back room . Janet grinned . " You dirty old man . You 're robbing the cradle for sure with little Chrissy , but she says she loves you and she sounds like she means it . And who am I to say you 're too old for her ? " She touched his arm and pointed at the seat . " Here , sit down before you get dizzy and faint . Chrissy 's ready . She called out Chrissy 's name . The curtain moved and his niece came out . It was a good thing he was seated , because he 'd have fallen over backward for sure . Something had been done to the dress to make the bust area smaller . Now Chrissy 's breasts bulged outward , with fully half of them exposed , almost to the nipples . He thought he saw a hint of pure white skin where the neckline finally stopped . It fit her like a glove . She twirled and he gulped as he saw nothing across her back but tanned soft skin . " I think he likes it " said Janet laughing . " And , Chrissy ? " She got Chrissy to stop twirling " The things you picked out passed the boner test with flying colors . " Chrissy blushed and Bob looked from one woman to the other helplessly as he tried to figure out what was going on . Janet assumed her professional sales person persona and gathered up the purchases . As she rang them up she said " I did the alterations for free once I got to know Chrissy . She 's a real darling . I only charged you for the materials for the built - in bra for the gown . But I 'm making some money on the rest . " Her chatter distracted Bob from looking at the final bill and Janet gladly accepted his credit card . She kept up the chatter until he sighed it . Then she leaned over and whispered " You 're a very very lucky man to have a girl like Chrissy . And you 're going to be a very very happy man later on tonight . " " Well , Janet helped . I mean she asked me some questions and all . I sort of let her believe you were my . . . boyfriend . I 'm sorry , but then she showed me some things . We talked about them a little . She sort of made suggestions and I thought they were good suggestions . I guess I thought the outfits were pretty . When I tried them on they made me feel . . . I don 't know . . . special . You know ? " Bob did not know . But if he understood her , Chrissy had just said that she 'd either chosen the items he 'd seen , or had agreed with Janet that they would be good for her to own . Just the thought of Chrissy in even one of those outfits made Bob 's prick leak cream in his pants . And she said she tried them ALL on . IF he was going to make it home with dry pants he 'd have to do something drastic . He told Chrissy to go on in and he 'd be in in a minute . He didn 't dare get out of the car the way he was . She 'd see for sure . He puttered around in the garage for a few minutes , practicing some yoga breathing , trying to relax . Finally his prick relented and fell to half hard . When he went in he smelled cooking . She 'd started without him . He went into the kitchen and saw bowls and ingredients spread all over the place . " It 's Lasagna tonight " she said cheerily and she commenced to tell him how to make it . They chatted as they ate and he helped clean up . He sat down after dinner to watch TV , but Chrissy said she was going to " go play with her new clothes . " It all came rushing back - his vision of her wearing the gold outfit , her pink nipples up thrust through the holes , begging to be sucked . He saw in his mind 's eye her reddish muffy through the translucent panties . He imagined her looking at him , wanting him . . . . letting him . He was hard as a rock in seconds . The TV show forgotten he got up and went to his own bedroom . He made it last , this beautiful fantasy , as he stroked his rigid cock , and let himself come close to cumming several times before , with a soft groan , he emptied his balls on a towel , this time making sure it all went in a big puddle there . He drifted off to sleep in the rosy afterglow of a good squirt and was sleeping quite soundly when Chrissy opened the door and came in to get her good night kiss . Chrissy gasped as she saw her naked uncle laid out on the bed . One leg was straight , and the other bent , his hands at his side . He snored lightly . There was a folded up towel beside him on the bed , by his hip . She stared at his penis , a dark wrinkled sausage lying sideways on a nest of brown hair . It was pointing at her . She couldn 't resist getting to see a real grown up penis up close . She 'd been in heat ever since his boner had pressed into her groin that night . She 'd felt it first , and when he stepped back she saw the tent . It was lots bigger than she 'd thought something like that would be . Now , there it was , right in front of her . She tip - toed over to the bed and bent over . She smelled something musky . . manly . Her eyes went to the towel and there , in one corner , was a raised puddle of something that looked a lot like pudding . It was thick and white . She shivered as she realized what it must be . She knew about masturbation , at least in theory . She often stroked herself in the shower , and sometimes in bed if she was too agitated to get to sleep . So that white stuff must have come from . . . his penis . Janet had said he was hard at the shop , when he saw the things she 'd chosen . Up to that point she 'd just tried them on for fun , but when she found out they gave her Uncle an erection , she decided she wanted them . For some reason she wanted to wear them . For him . She shivered and stared at his penis . It didn 't look very impressive . It was only about three or four inches long , and maybe as big around as a fat carrot . It had skin that covered the head almost completely , except for a tiny little circle of shiny darker looking skin underneath . That part had a little slit in the very tip . There was some of that milky looking stuff that had oozed out of that slit and had caught around the puckered edge of the circle of wrinkled skin . She thought back to health class . Foreskin ! That 's what they called that hood that covered the tip . At the base of this strange thing there was a round sack that she knew contained his balls . It too was shriveled up and looked almost limp . But inside that sac was where the stuff on the towel came from . Chrissy had been aghast , squealing " Ewwwwww " , but Angela swore that it tasted almost sweet and wasn 't nasty at all . And there , right in front of her , was some of that mysterious sperm . She touched the puddle with one finger . She opened her mouth and looked up . Then she lowered the string into her open mouth . She squeezed her eyes closed as it went past her vision . It hit her tongue and she closed her mouth on her finger , dragging it out . She couldn 't decide what to do next . Should she leave and spit it out ? She didn 't want to swallow it . Events overtook her , though , and her mouth filled up with saliva . Finally she allowed herself to taste it . Hmmmmmm . Nothing much , really . Maybe musky tasting , like the smell . But not bad . Uncle Bob rolled over and she fled out the door scared to death that he 'd wake up and find her looking at his naked body . She ran to her room , closed the door and jumped into bed . She was agitated . She couldn 't get to sleep . She knew what to do about that . She used the same finger that she 'd dipped in the sperm . The next morning Chrissy acted like nothing had happened , but she felt a thrill as she kissed her uncle goodbye as he went off to do some errands . She was very excited about getting to go to the party . It would be her first grown - up party . She planned on looking grown up . She spent most of the day taking care of her skin , and getting her hair just so . She did her nails and even painted her toenails like her mother did . Then she went over the dress , pressing it , making sure everything was perfect . She loved the feel of it as it cupped her naked breasts . For reasons she couldn 't quite explain she decided to wear the purple panties Janet had picked out for her . . . the naughty ones . . . with a hole between the legs . It made her shiver just thinking about wearing them . Bob called Chrissy around 3 : 00 PM to remind her that the party was that night . She told him she 'd be ready to go , but that he couldn 't see her until they were ready to leave . He got home at five , took a shower and put on his tux . When he was ready to go he knocked on her door . " Be right down " she yelled , and he went downstairs to wait by the door . She was gorgeous and she looked about twenty four , instead of the seventeen he knew she was . The dress fit her like a glove now . She twirled for him . Janet had done more than adjust the bust . The back plunged almost to the crack of her ass . Her entire tanned back was bare . It was one of those things that made a man think the dress might just fall off of her front any minute . With the dark blue of the dress he almost missed the band of the purple panties , just barely visible at the bottom of the back . " How do I look ? " she said , like a little girl . " Sweetheart , I 'm going to have to stop and buy a gun on the way . Otherwise every man in the place will be after you . " he said . " Yeah , but I can tell what color your panties are . " he tried not to smile as her mouth went to an ' O ' . She blushed and ran into the bathroom . Half a minute later she came back out . Now he COULD see the beginning of the crack of her ass . He looked more closely . She 'd shoved them down somehow . He couldn 't see them any more . He sure enjoyed trying , though . " All better . " he said and held out his arm . She turned and covered her smile with one slim hand . She was looking at his lap . When he glanced down he could see the same tent she was looking at . " I guess you pass the boner test . " he said ruefully . She wasn 't scandalized , like he thought she would be . She just giggled and took his arm . They both had a wonderful time at the party . Bob was proud as the other men at the party looked enviously at his date . She convinced them all she was at least twenty - five , and the women hated her . Several men asked her to dance , but she rebuffed them gently , saying she had hurt his feelings earlier and had promised to make it up to him by dancing only with him that night . And dance they did . He couldn 't believe that dress clung to her body when she danced to rock and roll tunes . And on the slow dances he held her close . She snuggled in , putting her arms around him . Several times he found his hands sliding up and down her naked back , his erection plainly digging into her stomach . Twice he apologized to her , but each time she said " Hush . . . just dance with me . " He almost had it under control when , during one slow dance he got carried away with the music and slid his hands down farther than he should have . They dipped into the back of the dress and he found himself holding two firm naked ass cheeks . She hadn 't shoved the panties down . She had taken them off ! " Uncle BOB ! ! " she whispered into his chest . He jerked his hands out , but the feel of her flesh remained in his mind . Her hands squeezed his butt and she giggled as his erection poked her again . " I 'm tired " she said softly . " Can we go home now ? " They didn 't speak on the way home . He was sure she was disgusted with him for being so blatantly turned on . For her part she had had a wonderful time and was just thinking about how nice it had been . They got home and he pulled off his tie . " Chrissy , I want to apologize . . . " " Not one word ! " she looked stern . She went to the stereo in the bookcase and began fiddling with the radio . Soft music came out and she came back to him . " Dance with me " she said . " One last dance . The perfect end to a perfect night . " Surprised and relieved , he took her in his arms again . They swayed and his hands were once again on her naked back . He couldn 't help it . His hands went lower . . . lower . . . lower . Her hands followed , ending up on his butt as she pulled his loins against hers . His hands slipped into the dress . Her butt cheeks were hot . . . soft . . . firm . She went " Hmmmmmmm " Then she pushed him away and said " I 'd better go get ready for bed . " She kissed him on the cheek and ran down the hall to her room . Bob stood there , aching with need . There was no way he 'd make things last tonight . He was going to blow his cork soon and probably twice before he would be able to get to sleep . She was one sweet piece . He made it to his room door and was about to go in when Chrissy stuck her head around her own slightly open door . " Uncle Bob ? " she said . Now what was that all about ? He didn 't want to be caught with the tux pants showing his hard on , so he slicked out of his monkey suit and threw it in a corner . He slid on a pair of gym shorts and got into bed . He laid his rod up along his stomach and pulled the sheet up over it , bunching it up a little to conceal his desire . He wished she 'd hurry up . He needed to beat off in the worst way . " You got me a new night gown " she said , with a great deal of dignity . " I wanted you to see it . Does it look OK ? " Bob stared , slack jawed . She still had her makeup on and her hair was still done up high on top of her head . She reached up , pulled some pins and her hair fell down around her shoulders . Her nipples looked stiff and swollen . They were dark , almost red . In fact , they were the exact same shade as her lipstick . He stared as she came closer and closer . Then she was standing right next to the bed . Her hand reached out slowly . She grasped the sheet and lifted it slightly . She pulled it down , exposing his shorts , exposing the tent in his shorts , exposing him for the pervert he was . Bob looked up at her confused . Her eyes looked smoky . Very slowly she slid the jacket off her shoulders and let it drop to the floor . Then , as he watched in a daze , she grasped the waistband of his shorts and began tugging them down . He reflexively lifted his hips and she gave a little sound as his rampant prick came into view . She kept going until the shorts were completely off . Without a word she tugged his legs apart . Her hand went to heft his balls , like she was weighing them . Then her fingers , light as silk , drifted along his exposed erection . It wasn 't lying down on his abdomen now . It had raised itself up to maybe a 30 degree angle . One finger slid gently over the tip and then she pulled that finger up in front of her eyes . There was a dollop of cream on it - precum . In abject amazement he watched as she put that finger in her mouth and sucked the white dollop off of it . She looked him in the eye . " I was afraid it wouldn 't be hard . . . that you wouldn 't find me . . . attractive . " She climbed up onto the bed and straddled his legs . With her legs spread he could see right through the sheer panties . What he saw were a pair of pussy lips . An animal sense overtook Bob . He couldn 't have told you how he did it , but he suddenly found himself on top of his niece , between her wide spread legs , the sheer gold panties dangling from one ankle . He didn 't remember doing it , but his prick was buried in her teen pussy . He couldn 't remember if she had been a virgin or not , if he had hurt her or not . All his senses were arrowed in to the feeling of hot , wet , pussy wrapped around his prick , and the feeling of stroking into that priceless pussy as her teenaged voice wailed in pleasure . Chrissy woke . It was dark . She still felt wrung out , and there was an odor in the air she wasn 't familiar with . It was the odor of sex , and it smelled good . She sensed , more than felt her Uncle 's body in the bed with her . Memory cascaded into her mind and she gasped at the remembrance . She 'd planned on something happening , but she hadn 't been prepared for the intensity of it all . There was a distant ache in her loins , a soreness of muscle , as if she 'd done too many sit - ups or something . She slid a hand down her naked stomach to where she 'd shaved all the hair off . It was still soft . And wet . And slippery . She smiled in the dark as she remembered how he 'd been mindless until he froze , growling . His penis , that same shriveled piece of sausage , had been deep inside her . Only it hadn 't been shriveled any more . It had transformed into something eight inches long and at the same time hard as rock and soft as a baby 's butt . Then he 'd given just a little push , like he was trying to get it even deeper and it had swelled . Then . . . warmth . . . and wetness . . . spurts of wet heat she could feel in her core . She 'd known instantly that it was his seed , flowing into her . She hadn 't actually meant to lose her virginity . Well , not this particular night , anyway . But once that pain was gone and the amazing overpowering feeling in her loins started , all that was thrown out . She knew right then that she wanted this wonderful thing in her again and again and again . And that was before her first actual orgasm . She smiled again and went back to sleep . She woke again and now it was getting light out . She had to pee , so she slipped out of bed without waking her Uncle . Then she took a quick shower and put on a robe . She was finishing up waffles , sausage and eggs when her Uncle stumbled into the kitchen , fresh out of the shower himself . He looked like he was in pain . She crossed her arms under her breasts . She knew guilt when she saw it . She didn 't feel guilty , and she didn 't want him feeling that way either . " The only thing I need to go out for today is linguini . We don 't have enough for lunch . " Chrissy went , pushed him against the back of the chair and swung a leg over his lap . In the process her robe gaped open and it was obvious she was naked beneath it . She sat , facing him , and tried not to squirm . It wasn 't a long passionate tongue swapping kiss . It was just the kiss of a woman who loves a man and wants him to know that . When she was done his eyes were round and he had a look of hope on his face . " Now , eat your breakfast before it gets cold . You need a good breakfast so you can get through the rest of the day . " She slipped off his lap and served him his plate . While he was eating she started for the doorway . " I need to get dressed . There 's something I want to do today . " " But I thought you said . . . " Bob let it die as he heard her feet hitting the squeaky boards in the hallway . He didn 't think he 'd ever understand women . He thought back to the night before . Bits and pieces of it were coming back to him . He kept examining his memory for looks of horror or hurt on his beautiful niece 's face , but they weren 't there , thank goodness . All he could remember were her arms pulling him closer , her hips slamming up at him and her warbles of ecstasy as she rolled from one orgasm into another . He had to control himself . What had happened was a fluke . She 'd apparently forgiven him . He mustn 't blow it now . He heard her coming back down the stairs . " You done yet ? " came her far - off question . She was grinning . " I don 't think I 'm actually pregnant yet . " she said softly . " Do you suppose you might find time today to help me with that ? " In fact , he helped her for the rest of the summer , even though by late August it was obvious that Chrissy was doing what women were made to do - carrying a baby . She loved this particular bun in this particular oven , because she loved its father . She wasn 't sure how it would all break out with her parents , but by the time they got back to the States the baby would have been born and be several months old . It would be a little late to " send it back " then . |
" Consider , if you will , what may be the most well - known and oft - copied works of a man named Henry Fuseli , scholar , man of the cloth , and painter of the different and disturbing . Like many artists , he sketched sometimes before mixing his pigments . The subject of our tale is a simple pencil drawing , perhaps a preliminary study for Fuseli 's " The Nightmare " paintings . Not many people showed up for the widow Collins ' sale that dank October day . The house was slated for demolition to allow construction of a new highway interchange . Apparently , her fight with the state to keep the place took too much out of the old woman . They found her in the parlor , hanging from a noose . Her suicide note was taped to an over - turned chair . The rats were well - fed by old Mrs . Collins . As the owner of " Carl 's Curiosities , " I sometimes act as " dollar man " at estates sales and auctions . I 'm the guy who pays a dollar for any lot the auctioneer can 't sell for more . There 's a lot of trash , but I also get vintage costume jewelry , antique dishes or photos , or clothing I can put together to sell as costumes . Often , there are things I can use around my apartment and store , like hardware and garbage bags . Fifty dollars spent on auction rejects usually buys at least that much in useable household or office supplies plus items I can sell for a tidy profit . The sign outside says , " Antiquities , Oddities , and Art From Around the Globe . " Some of my inventory fits that description , but a lot of it 's junk . The store is basically an indoor flea market . Some things the auction crew brought out of the Collins house smelled of death . I got stuck with all of that , a dollar added to my bill for every musty item of furniture , linens , or clothing tainted with corpse - stench . Many lots were cardboard boxes filled with God knew what . That was common with this type of sale . A worker would bring an over - stuffed carton to the auction block , and people bid based on what the auctioneer said and displayed of the contents . A helper brought a box to the auctioneer , sparking the usual frenetic monolog . " Okay ! What do we have here ? Looks like items from the bedroom ! Couple of sealed bottles of shampoo , some light bulbs , and a drawing ! Who wants it for fifty bucks ? Fifty ? It 's a pencil sketch , folks ! Looks old ! Frame it and hang it over the mantel ! Fifty ? C ' mon , folks ! Fifty ? Fifty ? Twenty - five ! They 're halogen bulbs ! None in the package , but they might work ! Ten bucks ! Gimme ten ! " I stopped at the landfill after the sale to get rid of things that smelled too bad to take back to my shop . Rufus met me at the dock . " Whoa , Carl ! What 'd them boys do ? Stuff what was left of that old witch in one o ' them boxes ? " " I got stuck with some real junk , Rufus . I wish I had a gas mask . The dust and mildew is bad enough without the rotting corpse smell . " " There were no pentagrams , chicken entrails , or skulls , so I doubt that . I think she was just a lonely , bitter old woman . Her husband shot himself in their bed years ago , you know . Living in that horrible old house where he died took its toll . " I drove back to the shop with the windows open . After a long shower , I went downstairs to unpack my treasures . There was some nice costume jewelry , bundles of old letters , unused packs of shoelaces and thumbtacks , and a few pieces of cutlery . Eventually , I got to the box with the light bulbs . One of the bulbs worked when I tested it in an ugly desk lamp I bought somewhere . Nice and bright . I re - arranged my desk so I could spread out the rest of the contents of the carton . At first , I was going to throw the drawing into a box of stuff going to the trash , but then I took a better look at it . The auctioneer was right . It was old , or at least , the paper the artist used looked old . The drawing itself was . . . odd . I dialed my phone . " It 's not a book . It 's a pencil sketch . Looks like a woman with a monkey sitting on her chest and a horse in the background . " " True , but you 're the one who knows paper . That 's what I 'm curious about . I think it could be pretty old . " " It looks like , ' Consideres hoc vel pati . Vos excipiam mortem . ' It 's Latin . I 'm pretty rusty . Let 's see . . . . " Frank rummaged through a messy bookcase behind his desk for a Latin - English dictionary . " Okay , a literal translation would be , ' Respect this , or suffer . You will welcome death . ' Sounds like a curse ! " An hour later , we agreed . The hand - writing on the back of my new find appeared to be by Mr . Collins , who shot himself some fifty years earlier . With some on - line searching , we found his obituary from the local newspaper . Mr . and Mrs . Collins were recluses . Mr . Collins was reported to have been " in ill health for some time " before he took his own life . His wife was outside with a zoning officer serving a complaint about the appearance of their property . They both heard the gunshot , and they found the body and the note together . The police and the coroner said it was a clear - cut suicide . " You met my grandpa , Carl . He was a brick - layer , but he was far from stupid . Maybe Collins was an old - school Catholic . " " One thing is certain . If it was Collins , he used old paper . If this is his work , it can 't even be eighty years old , since he 'd be ninety - three if he were still alive . This paper looks hand - made . The top and sides are straight , like they were cut with a knife and straight - edge , but the bottom looks like someone tore it from a bigger piece . This could be a lot older than eighty years . " " It seems familiar , like I saw the same theme in an art history book somewhere . Maybe it 's a sketch someone made before doing a painting . I 'll have to do some research , but I can 't shake the feeling that I 've seen this idea before . " " She couldn 't have changed much after he died . The whole place looked like it was stuck in the 1960s . The bedroom wallpaper still showed bloodstains . " " That 's creepy , Carl . She apparently never left the house after his funeral . They say she had her groceries delivered , but didn 't go outside . Why would she stay locked up in the house where her husband killed himself ? She even refused to move out when the state offered her a lot of money for the property . " " You could send it to the lab I use for non - destructive testing , but they 're expensive . I 'd hate to see you spend a lot of money on a sketch that isn 't worth anything . Since I live and breathe old books , I know enough to run some crude tests myself on just a piece from the edge down there where it 's torn . If you frame it , you 'll have to trim it anyway . " Hours later , I thought I should be hungry , but I wasn 't . In fact , my stomach didn 't feel right at all . My eyes and nose burned , probably from dust and mold on some of the things I was handling . When an ugly headache threatened to join my other discomforts , I went upstairs to bed , hoping to sleep through the worst of whatever bug I was catching . Before dawn , sirens woke me , fire trucks screaming past my building and stopping nearby . I opened my window and smelled smoke , so I got dressed and went downstairs to the sidewalk . Flames roared from a building in the next block . Frank 's store and his apartment above it were fully engulfed . I stood on the sidewalk , sick with grief , watching Frank 's funeral pyre . There was no point in hurrying back to my shop to open for the day . Fire equipment and hoses blocked the street . Being ill , and now trying to deal with this , I couldn 't face customers . Later that day , I was in my office in the back of the store , sorting through more of the treasures from the Collins sale and watching a report on the local news about the fire . " Officials have confirmed that a body was found in the ruins of the building . We have unsubstantiated reports indicating that arson is suspected in this tragic pre - dawn fire . " " I 'm Detective Joshua Hayes , and this is my partner , Detective Mario Bertoli . We 're with the Homicide Division . We 'd like to ask you a few questions , Mr . Singleton . " " Lead story on the local news , sir . The fire at Main Street Rare Books this morning was intentionally set . We believe it was the owner 's remains that were found inside . Until the coroner tells us he died of natural causes before the fire started , we 're treating this as an arson death , which means it 's a homicide . We understand you knew the owner , Frank Brown . " " Not at all , sir . If we did , Detective Bertoli would have read you your rights . We need help . Anything you can tell us could point us in the right direction . " " I was at his shop yesterday afternoon . He knew a lot about old paper . I bought something at the Collins auction I hoped he could help me identify . " Bertoli answered . " He hasn 't been seen since the fire . His car was in the parking lot . The coroner has his dental records . Members of our squad are reviewing security video from remote feeds at the company that monitored Brown 's alarm system and from neighboring businesses . We should be able to see who came and went from the building before the fire . " " No . Frank was well - liked . He kept a nice shop and helped his neighbors . He did volunteer remodeling work on slum homes and a church , for pity 's sake . " " We don 't understand either , sir , " Hayes said . " Everything we 've learned so far says Brown was a model citizen . That 's why we don 't understand why someone would kill him and burn down his shop . " " One of the points of origin for the fire was the ground floor room we understand Brown used for repairing and cleaning books . That 's where the body was found . Did he often go downstairs and work in the middle of the night ? " Bertoli asked . " No . Frank 's the most habit - driven guy I know . He goes to bed right after the eleven o ' clock news and needs his alarm clock to get up at seven . We joke about that . He can 't function on less than seven hours of sleep . He says he never wakes up in the middle of the night . That 's part of the reason he got that high - tech security system . He was afraid he 'd sleep through a break - in or a fire . " " Never . Those fumes can be very harmful to old books . Frank used all natural , water - soluble cleaners and glues . I don 't think any of that stuff burns . " " That 's one scenario . It 's possible he discovered the fire and was overcome . We 'll know more when we see the video from the security company . Does anyone else have keys to the building ? " They left soon afterward , each taking one of my business cards and giving me their own . " We are truly sorry for your loss , Mr . Singleton . We 'll keep you updated on anything we learn . " I displayed the " Closed " sign when I locked the door behind them . Upstairs in my kitchen , I poured a tall whiskey . This made no sense . Frank was one of the few people I considered a friend . We had known each other for decades . I spent as much time at his apartment as he did at mine . Now he was a " locked room " murder victim . I made dinner and picked at it . The whiskey calmed my nerves but soured my stomach , and my head started to pound again , worse than the night before . I went to bed and dreamed of musty old houses , the smell of death , and fire in the night . " We 'd like to show you some video , and it would be easier if you came to our office . Please believe , sir , we in no way suspect you of wrongdoing of any kind . We simply need your help understanding what we have . " A half hour later , I sat in a room in front of a large monitor . At home , I felt emotionally drained and tired but reasonably healthy . Now , I felt sick . Again I wondered how bad it would get . I didn 't want to be here , across town , talking about poor Frank 's death . " Skip ahead , Mario . Mr . Singleton , all cameras show no one entering or leaving the building until much later . There were a few pedestrians out front and some pizza shop customers in the back lot , but nothing involving the book store itself . Brown set his security system to remote - monitor all cameras at eleven thirty - four . Video from the drugstore shows the last light going off in his bedroom a few minutes later . " " Absolutely . He got that baseball cap for sponsoring a little - league team . He always wore it with the bill turned up , so you could see his face . It was clear when he was locking the door . " " Okay , we may ask you to sign a statement to that effect later , " Hayes said . " He 's getting in his car and leaving the parking lot . No further activity for well over an hour . Skip to the pizza cam at four twenty - one , Mario . " " They are , " Hayes answered . " He carries eight of them inside , two at a time . They appear to be five - gallon cans , full , considering how he lifts them . Each can would weigh about forty pounds , eighty per load . Brown 's medical records indicate he had a bad back , but he doesn 't seem to have any trouble . " Bertoli paused the video . " The last time he goes inside , it 's four twenty - five . His security system alerted the fire department at four twenty - seven , and the pizza shop cam shows fire at the same time . " The interior cameras showed the back door being opened from the outside . Frank appeared , carrying two cans , which he placed in the middle of the sales floor area of the store , caps off . He went back outside and came in with two more , one for each end wall of the front part of the building . The next two went in the open doorway to the stairwell that led upstairs . When he brought in the last two cans , he set them down to deadbolt the door and re - set the intrusion alarm . Then he carried the cans into his work room . Frank stood in the middle of the lake of gasoline with an odd smile on his face . He pulled a lighter from his pocket , kissed it , studied it for a few seconds , and flicked the wheel . Through the fireball , the camera showed Frank still holding the lighter as his skin blistered . Then the screen went black . Hayes said , " That 's when the alarm came in . Go to the outdoor cameras , Mario . Pizza cam , same time , four twenty - seven . We see fire in the windows , and at four twenty - eight , the drugstore cam shows the front windows blowing out on the ground floor and heavy fire upstairs . " " I don 't know . Sirens woke me . I smelled smoke , so I got dressed and ran down the street to see . The roof caved in soon after I got there , " I said , watching video of the inferno that had been Main Street Rare Books , my friend 's home and life . " Do you have any idea why Brown would do that ? We know the business was turning a profit , so arson for insurance doesn 't sound right , " Bertoli offered . " Besides , he had to know he 'd die , starting it that way . " " I never saw that expression on his face before . He looked like a madman . That 's what gets me . Frank and I have been close friends since high school . I know his moods . He was fine when I left . He wasn 't despondent or upset . He seemed excited about helping me get information about the drawing I bought . This doesn 't make sense . " After being violently ill in the restroom in the police station lobby , I struggled outside . I wasn 't sure I could drive , since my headache was so intense , but after I got in the car , I felt a little better . By the time I got back to my shop , I was well enough to shower and change clothes . Instead of opening for business , I got out my tools to begin work on the shelves I wanted to build . Falling asleep wasn 't easy . The images from those videos haunted me - watching your best friend burn himself to death doesn 't lead to a restful night . Through my pounding headache , I tried to think in the darkness . What happened ? Why did he get up in the middle of the night and commit suicide by self - immolation ? Why the crazy smile ? What drives a man to that ? In the shower the next morning , I promised myself to try to carry on as though Frank 's death hadn 't happened . I could make myself as crazy as he must have been by worrying about it , so I convinced myself to let it go . I 'd never understand what he did . It was time to get to work . I spent the entire day unpacking and pricing the rest of my purchases from the auction . Along with a lot of trash , I found a number of license plates from the 1940 's , a few pieces of decent silver , a mint - condition yearbook from the local high school with both the Collins ' senior pictures , and some nice old jewelry . Not a bad haul . I would get over two thousand dollars for this stuff . Still , the drawing might be the big find . It seemed special , maybe valuable . I cleared an area on my desk and carefully spread out my sketch so I could study it . It was beautiful , powerful , its bold lines and careful shading making it seem alive . Suddenly , I was confused . The monkey - thing had pointed ears and an ugly scowl , hateful eyes glaring toward the corner where Frank had taken his sample . Odd . I could have sworn it was staring directly at the viewer before . Ridiculous . Stress , grief , and oncoming illness explained everything . The awfulness of the scene matched my mood , almost cheered me up . If my drawing didn 't turn out to be worth much , I 'd frame it and hang it over the mantel , like the auctioneer said . I spun around in my chair , annoyed at the interruption , even though it was my old friend Marge . I always enjoyed her company on slow days in the store . Marge was the woman everyone thought I was going to marry when I got out of high school . We both knew it was a stupid idea , so we promised each other to be friends . Sometimes , she helped me out in the shop , or invited me to dinner with her husband Bob and their kids . Marge wanted to look at some old record albums I had on display , so I helped her sort through them . By the time she made her choice , my head hurt . " I want some of that coffee . I 'm getting a headache . Caffeine sometimes helps . " We went in the office and sat down . Marge opened our coffees , now cool enough to drink , and we talked about Frank . She told me more or less what was in the newspaper . Frank Brown died in an apparent arson fire that destroyed his shop . She speculated on who would have done such a horrible thing to a guy as nice as Frank . " I did okay . I got some clothes I can sell for Halloween costumes . There was silverware in a few of the boxes I got as dollar man , enough to complete a nice service I already have of the same pattern , and some old license plates that are in decent shape . " " Not sure yet . Frank thought it was pretty old , so I was going to do some research to see what I could learn about it . I have a feeling I 've seen this picture before , or something like it . It 's really pretty , isn 't it ? " " I don 't know that I 'd call it pretty , " Marge said , standing up to get a better look at it . " It 's well done , but that 's not a pretty scene . I mean , look at the face on that thing ! It looks like some sort of demon . " She leaned over to point at the monkey - like creature , spilling her half - full coffee cup . I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I snatched my drawing away from the advancing flood . I was almost too late , but only a small part of the edge got wet . " You stupid clumsy bitch ! " I screamed , frantically blotting at the tiny stain . It cleaned up easily , but I was still furious . " What the hell is wrong with you ? " " Carl , what the hell is wrong with you ? I 'm sorry , but aren 't you over - reacting a little ? Look at it . It 's fine . " " I 'm sorry , Carl , I really am . You 're right , I was clumsy . At least I didn 't get coffee on your computer . " " Computers can be replaced ! The drawing can 't ! It 's important . I have to protect it . " I inspected the sketch again , and when I couldn 't find any damage , I felt myself calming down . " Carl , I heard a rumor that Frank started the fire . One of my neighbors is a fireman , and his wife told me he smelled gasoline when he first got there , like there must have been a lot of it . She also said all the doors were locked from the inside . Why would he have gas in there ? " " I wish I knew . It 's not a rumor . The police were here , asking about Frank , and they showed me security video that proves Frank did it . He brought the gasoline into the store in the middle of the night and intentionally lit the fire . " When Marge left , I was almost glad . I 've known her as long as I knew Frank , and I 've always enjoyed her company , so I wondered why I was happier alone . Maybe it was guilt about snapping at her . At least my headache was gone . A few more customers interrupted my day of researching my treasure . Along with the other things I wrote down , I made a note to look into different bulbs for the lighting in the display area of my store . Colors didn 't look quite right out there , and it seemed like the light hurt my eyes . Every time I was in the sales area for a long time , my temples started to throb . I was very glad to hang out my " Closed " sign . I wanted to learn more about the artist whose work this sketch may have been . Customers spending a few dollars were a distraction from spending time on the thing that might change my life . The synthesized bells in the tower of the church up the street struck twelve midnight . No wonder I was exhausted . I went to bed without eating , hoping I might feel better in the morning if I let my system calm down . " She 's dead , Carl . What am I going to do ? The kids are still in bed . My mother came over to watch them while I went with the police . She 'd dead ! " He didn 't even try to stifle his wails this time . " I don 't know . She said she didn 't feel well when we went to bed . I woke up when I heard her car in the middle of the night . I have no idea where she was going . Now she 's dead ! " " She was speeding , and the cops were chasing her . She ran cars off the road , and then she got on the freeway going the wrong direction . They said she was going over a hundred miles an hour when she veered off the pavement and into a bridge abutment . Why , Carl ? Why would my baby do that ? " In the shower , I broke down . I had lost a second life - long friend before the memorial service for the first . No wonder I felt like hell . I forced myself to eat breakfast , even though I didn 't feel like it . Before I was halfway to Bob and Marge 's place , I pulled off the road , my stomach cramping painfully as it emptied itself on the ground . My head pounded again , my joints ached , and I felt feverish and weak . Bob and the kids needed me , but they didn 't need me to make them sick . I turned around and headed home . By the time I locked my car , I felt like I might live . It was late enough in the morning that I thought the kids would be up and Bob would probably be home . His mom answered the phone . " Mrs . Fitzgerald , it 's Carl Singleton . Bob called me . I 'm so sorry about Marge . I told Bob I 'd come over to help you , but I 'm really sick . " " That 's all right , Carl , " she said . " You concentrate on getting better . I can hold down the fort . I did it before when Marge was sick . You know I used to babysit Frank , don 't you ? I watched you kids grow up . Maybe Frank 's death was God preparing me for this . " I didn 't open the shop . Instead , I went upstairs and crawled back in bed . I couldn 't sleep , so I went downstairs with some ginger ale to study my drawing . I felt half decent after an hour or two of studying nuances of the artist 's work I hadn 't noticed before , comparing it to renditions I found of similar subject matter . None of them were the same , although they contained the same elements - a sprawled - out woman , a demon , and a horse with bulging , blind - looking eyes . Oddly , in my drawing , it seemed the horse wasn 't focused on the viewer , though I thought it looked that way before . Now , the horse appeared to be glaring off to one side , toward the slightly puckered edge dampened by Marge 's spilled coffee . My memory was playing tricks on me , not surprising , considering what I had experienced in the last two days . At least , sitting there with my drawing , I felt halfway healthy , thrilled with what I learned . My sketch was a definitely a preliminary study by Henry Fuseli for his " Nightmare " series . That or a damn good forgery . I was deeply immersed in an article on art forgery when the buzzer on the front door of the shop went off . Damn it ! What do they think a sign that says " CLOSED " in big black letters means ? No ! I wasn 't going to answer . I had more important things to do . I needed to stay right here , learning more about my wonderful drawing . The shop phone rang , but I let the answering machine get it . Then it was my apartment line , and finally my cell . I forced myself not to yell when I answered . " What do you want , Detective Bertoli ? " " Are you current on your shots ? I don 't know what I have . I keep thinking it 's the flu , but the symptoms come and go . " " No . Zero blood alcohol , but she broke into a liquor store and a drugstore . We found a large amount of sleeping pills , a pack of razor blades , and some broken wine bottles in the wreckage . " " From what we know , Mrs . Fitzgerald wouldn 't do a lot of the things she did this morning . She broke into a liquor store . The owner saw her and confronted her , but she threw a bottle at him and sped away . He got her license number and called it in . The pursuit started when she hit a police car responding to the drugstore alarm . This was a woman who never even had a parking ticket . " " That 's crazy . Marge was a careful driver . I would have trusted her with my car any time . When she was a drinker , she never drove . " " Carl , this is important . You went to school with her . Did she drive fast then ? The units chasing her said she drove like a pro , knocking cars out of the way like a stunt driver . Maybe she just never got caught driving recklessly . " " No . Marge was a total safety nut . Always had to have the best tires , changed her wiper blades before she needed to , never exceeded the speed limit , wouldn 't start the car until everyone fastened their seat - belt , the whole bit . " " Her seat - belt was buckled behind her . Cars like hers chime the whole time you have the key on if you don 't buckle the driver 's belt , so people who insist on not wearing one have to buckle it and sit on it . You would think someone like Mrs . Fitzgerald would be the last one to do that . " " Unless she wanted to die . Maybe Marge was afraid she wouldn 't get the chance to swallow those pills with that wine or cut an artery . A high speed run into a concrete bridge was her fall - back plan . " " No . She stopped by here yesterday afternoon . We quarreled , something we haven 't done since we dated in high school , but it wasn 't anything you kill yourself over . " " Big shock there . I feel like hell . I can 't keep anything down . I thought I was running a fever this morning when I tried to drive to Bob 's house after he called me . I got so sick I had to turn around and come home . I have a headache a lot of the time . I feel like crying or smashing things , and I 'm so damn weak . The only thing that 's keeping me sane right now , I think , is researching the drawing I bought at the Collins sale . " " Sure . It 's beautiful . I 'm so lucky I found it in a box of trash I got from the sale . " Carefully , I spread it out on my desk . " Look . Isn 't it amazing ? Every time I look at it , I see more detail . " Bertoli stood next to me , studying it . " The demon or incubus or whatever that thing is and the horse look like they 're staring right through me . Do you think this is holy water or poison ? " he asked , pointing at a bottle on a table near the woman 's bed , something I hadn 't noticed before . Bertoli stepped back from my desk . " I should be going . We promised to tell you anything we found out about the fire , and I thought I owed you the truth about Mrs . Fitzgerald , too . I 'll pray for them . " Without another word , he left my office , fumbled in his pocket for something , and opened the front door . He stood outside , watching me lock up , and then walked away . I saw what he pulled from his pocket - his rosary . I went back to my office and studied the drawing again against prints I made of the completed paintings . Their composition was different from the sketch , though they were obviously all inspired by the same power . Even though the paintings added color to help tell their story to the viewer , I decided I liked my pencil sketch better . The incubus was the focal point . He seemed much larger than before . The damn phone rang again . It was Bob . What was I supposed to say to him ? I finally shut the ringer off . I didn 't feel like I was dying , for a change , so I decided to rummage around in my kitchen . I headed for the stairs , but then realized I could work on my research about the drawing while I ate , so I carefully carried it and my laptop upstairs and set up shop at the kitchen table . Canned soup never tasted so good . Mindful of the risk of spilling something on my sketch , I ate standing up at the counter . An hour after I finished the soup , I knew it wasn 't enough . My stomach felt good , and it clamored for more . I worked a little longer , and then made myself a proper early dinner . I ate quickly , running back and forth between the counter and the table , chewing while I searched for more information about the artist and his work . After doing the dishes , I moved my base of operations to the sofa . With my sketch carefully laid out on the coffee table , I went back to work , although my eyes were constantly drawn to the drawing instead of the computer . When I stopped to watch the eleven o ' clock news , I dozed off . I woke up sometime in the middle of the night , took my off shoes , and stretched out more comfortably . Light from the street - lamp let me see my treasure again before I closed my eyes . The incubus ' facial expression had calmed into a cruel grin . I slept soundly . In the morning , I felt better than I had in days , well - rested , and ready to get to the bottom of the mystery of my beautiful sketch . Ignoring my empty stomach , I carried things down to the office , and typed up everything I had learned about this amazing piece of art . Stopping frequently to examine it for inspiration , I found myself wondering if I would ever sell it , no matter what it turned out to be worth . Besides , how would I prove its value ? I wasn 't about to mail it off to some lab . I didn 't want it out of my sight that long . By early afternoon , I decided I should make something to eat . I went up to the kitchen , but before I could open the refrigerator , I was attacked by a vicious headache and sudden stomach upset , the combination I knew all too well . I grabbed the bucket I kept under the sink , and stumbled weakly downstairs . After an hour or two , I felt amazingly better and quite hungry , so I decided to get a pizza from the shop across the parking lot from the remains of Frank 's store . Less than fifty feet from my door , the nausea hit . The ache I felt in my joints the day before was nothing compared to the grinding agony of every movement I made stumbling back to my shop . As I fumbled with the keys , I cursed myself , wondering why a man as sick as I was would think about pizza . After an hour of resting my sweaty head on my desk , I felt a lot better , ready to resume my web - searching . I looked at the sketch again , and was startled to see that the incubus now appeared to be beckoning to me . I tried to blame it on the stress and horror of the last few days . A tiny part of me knew what I thought I saw was impossible , but my love for the drawing insisted that I was making it all up . The headline story in the evening paper that day was about Frank . His parents had posted a sizable reward for information that might lead to the arrest and conviction of his killer . They refused to believe Frank killed himself . His memorial service was scheduled for the next morning . Sick or not , I had to go . I was weak with exhaustion and hunger . I started up the steps to make dinner , but the pain in my joints , head , and gut made it impossible . Afraid of passing out and falling down the stairs , I stumbled back to the desk and flopped in my chair . My cell phone woke me . Early afternoon sun streamed through the shades on my office windows . I had missed my best friend 's funeral . The phone sounded its alert for a new voicemail . " Carl , it 's Bob . I 'm worried about you , man . Why weren 't you at Frank 's service ? He was your best friend , wasn 't he ? Are you okay ? I haven 't heard from you since I called you about Marge . We 're having a small thing for her tomorrow morning at ten . It would mean a lot to the kids and me if you were there . I think Marge would want that too . Please call me . " I started to call him back , but then stopped . What was I going to say ? " Hey , buddy , sorry I didn 't go to the funeral for my life - long friend who went nuts and roasted himself alive . I 'll be sure to come and cry with you over your lovely wife - turned - criminal , who intentionally splattered herself against a concrete wall . " Who was I kidding ? I knew I couldn 't go to Marge 's service . Even though I felt half alive at the moment , I knew I 'd be too sick to even get in my car . Since I had no intention of opening the shop , I gathered my power saw , hammer , and nails , and resumed work on my shelf - building project . My head was killing me , so I stopped and got some aspirin and a cup of water from the bathroom next to my office and sat at my desk to examine my drawing again . Odd . For just an instant , I thought it looked like the incubus was covering its pointy ears , almost as though the scream of my saw was too loud for it . I was lost in thought about that when I heard the accursed buzzer on my front door . Someone started knocking on the back door of my shop , hammering incessantly on it . I struggled to my feet and looked through the peephole . Bertoli again . I unlocked the door , opened it , and shuffled back to my desk . " You saw the paper , didn 't you ? How was I supposed to face Frank 's parents ? It sounds like they don 't know the truth about how he died . " " We told them Frank started the fire , but they don 't believe us . The mayor won 't let us show them the video from inside the shop , so they 're convinced we 're wrong about the cause of his death . They 're threatening a lawsuit against the city , since we 're calling it a suicide . " " I slept right through it . I fell asleep here at my desk . Maybe I even passed out . I don 't know . I 'm so weak and tired . I tried to go upstairs to bed last night , but I couldn 't do it . " " Of course not . I know you 've had a rough couple of days , between being sick and all the horror you 've gone through . Maybe you should see a doctor . " " Right now , it 's the only good thing I have . I 'm positive it 's the work of an eighteenth century artist named Henry Fuseli . He made preliminary sketches for some of his paintings . My treasure is a study for ' The Nightmare , ' series , probably his most famous work . Look . " " You 're probably right . Carl . The horse looks crazy in all of them , just like it does on your sketch , and the incubus is glaring at the viewer , almost like he 's challenging us to take the woman away from him . He looks very possessive . " " You 're an idiot . If you can 't see why this work is so important , if you can 't appreciate the beauty of it , you could at least keep your dumb cop opinion to yourself . I 'm busy . It 's time for you to leave . " Bertoli rose and headed for the door . " Bob asked me to call him back if I got to speak to you . Should I tell him to expect you at Marge 's funeral tomorrow ? " I flopped in my chair again and lost myself in the strange and wonderful beauty of my sketch . How could he be so insensitive ? Bertoli was as bad as Frank and Marge , not respecting my precious and inspired piece of art . As bad as Frank and Marge . Yes , that was why I didn 't like him . At least he hadn 't done anything to actually harm my treasure . If he had , I might have killed him myself , I thought , staring lovingly at the life - like detail of the gift given to me . I turned the paper over , remembering Frank 's translation of the Latin inscription on the back : " Respect this , or suffer . You will welcome death . " Frank and Marge hadn 't shown the proper respect to my precious drawing , damaging it with their carelessness . Then they killed themselves . Well , good . Cretins like them didn 't deserve to live . I turned the drawing over again . The incubus smiled at me . The grin seemed genuine , almost conspiratorial . We shared a secret . He knew I understood the responsibility for his safety lay in my hands . Following links in a new search , I learned more about incubi - fascinating creatures , all about need and taking . Legend and fiction concentrated on their sexuality , but they took more than the honor of their prey . Souls were their life - blood . They drained a victim of their strength and consumed the remaining husk of their humanity . Satan 's worker - bees , their purpose was to transfer mortals to their Master in Hell . The logic of it was insanely beautiful . That 's what Fuseli 's sketch represented . Like a bee , the incubus would lash out to defend itself . It didn 't physically kill its enemies . It made them do it themselves . In Fuseli 's day , much of Christianity believed suicide was the express route to Hell . My printouts fit in my laptop case , making it easy to take the drawing upstairs with me when the sun set . I thawed a left - over Easter dinner and ate walking back and forth from my plate on the counter to my drawing and computer on the table . When I was sure the exhaust fan would keep the moisture under control , I set up a tray in the bathroom door , showering for the first time in days . Clearing my nightstand afterward , I smoothed a fresh pillow where the street - lamp would allow me to see my drawing . In the morning , I chose some clean clothes , and took everything downstairs after breakfast . The sketch looked perfect , carefully propped on the shelf behind the cash register . Maybe it was the contrast of Bertoli 's black and white rendering with the hodgepodge of colors in my store , but somehow , the lighting looked better . After a quick dust and polish of my inventory , I got to work on my shop windows . Careful buying throughout the year gave me some " killer " ideas for last - minute upgrades to my Halloween display . A few customers came in and bought things I was going to use , but the addition of one of Collins ' Elvis - on - velvet atrocities made my windows perfect . I hung my blood - red curtains after waiting on the last customer of the night . Instead of my usual closed sign , I wrote on a chalkboard , " You need what I have for Halloween . See you at dawn . " The pizza shop down the street delivered in thirty minutes . I devoured the huge antipasto , planning to re - heat the pizza after I closed Halloween night . With a long day ahead of me , I managed to get everything upstairs . In the shower , I figured out how to build a proper and safe place for my treasure . I drew it on my laptop between bites of my pre - dawn breakfast , and I had everything ready to build my little shrine by the time I opened my curtains and unlocked the door . Two stamp collectors bought complete costumes for themselves and their girlfriends , helped me re - sort the Collins envelopes , and then bought most of them for more than I had planned to ask . I sold some Asian rugs I planned to throw away at the end of the year . By evening , collectors and college kids had cleaned out my windows so I could set up my winter display . Re - heated pizza is always a favorite . After dinner , we went downstairs . My measurements would work . The reason for my continued existence would have a proper place to live . Four hours and one blood blister later , the shrine was ready for paint . Carefully , I picked up the drawing to wave any dust from it . At the top of the steps , I nearly collapsed with pain . Why ? Now what ? Under the light at the kitchen table , I saw it . The gorilla - sized creature dominated the emaciated woman beneath it , and the horse reared up to be able to see over the hunched back of the enraged demon . Both glared at the tiny bloodstain on the upper edge where my injured right ring finger had touched it . " I think so . Yeah . " Hayes said . " How does a right - handed man make such a clean cut though his own right arm with a circular saw ? " " Carl Singleton was a skeptic . He dealt in realities , relics , and artifacts . He didn 't appreciate the power art can have over a man 's soul , especially in The Night Gallery . " Read 76464 times | |
Snatch and grab . Natalie shoved open the door to the Golden Anchor Inn . That was the plan . Snatch and grab . Be gone before anyone knew different . The bell above the door clanked . Natalie stopped moving when she saw the inside of the place . Organized clutter . A mechanical toy with looping metal tubes sat beside a glass reception area that looked like a repurposed display case , and that was only the start . Everywhere she looked she saw something else . A painting , a sign nailed to the wall and behind the desk , a hutch held a whole collection that would take her hours to sort through all by itself . And this was just the entryway . She found it doubtful that the rest of the place would suddenly turn into sterile empty hallways like a lot of hotels . Human , hardly a surprise there , almost as tall as her with dark hair . On the younger side of thirty . He flushed like so many men did when they saw her and smiled widely . " Hi there , can I help you ? " " Well , um , okay then . Let 's just take a look here . " He fumbled with the computer sitting on the registration desk . " Yes , I can get you that room . How long do you plan on ? " Natalie handed them over and relaxed . This could work . She 'd just spend a few days , hopefully not a week , and get to know the place and the people . This man , for instance . With a little conversation she would probably be able to find out what new acquisitions had been added to the collection . Not quite a snatch and grab but close enough . She had to get the artifact back before the week was out or there would be Hell to pay . " I haven 't had the pleasure . " She straightened as he opened the swinging door to the reception area . " I 'm looking forward to it . " " Well , let me show you around . " Kane eased around her with charming nervousness . Most men reacted but he was positively blushing . So cute . This might be fun . He glanced at her small purse . " Do you have any bags ? " " I 'll bring them in later . " Safer for everyone concerned that way . Kane walked a few steps ahead and gestured at the shelves of DVDs in the corner before the hallway turned . " If you want to watch anything just let us know . " A movie - theater style popcorn maker sat between two shelves of DVDs . She inhaled deeply . Butter and salted popcorn , but nothing else . It didn 't seem likely that the artifact would be disguised as a popcorn maker but she couldn 't be too careful . He hurried around the corner . Natalie smiled . She 'd actually managed to scare the poor man . Maybe she 'd better turn it down a notch . Then she saw the large room at the end of the hallway and nearly snarled . Kane turned into a side hallway with a glass - paned door but she kept going . Natalie didn 't move . Objects covered every space surface of the dining room . A whole entire boat hung upside down from the ceiling . A bicycle , flags and a propeller and that was only for starters . More items hung on the walls and any one of them could be the artifact she sought . That damn sprite must be laughing in his grave right now at the thought of it . The truth stone had worked before it drained the sprite of his life , the artifact had to be here somewhere , but damn him again ! If she had time to track down a necromancer and rip the sprite out of his grave she 'd do it , but there wasn 't time . A few days , no more than that . Natalie sighed and followed him . The hallway continued the yard sale decor that she 'd already seen . A bookcase filled with books cluttered the hallway . Books ! Did she have to look at each one ? Kane stopped in front of one of the doors . He pointed up at a small brass plaque . " This is the Sick Bay , that 's just what we call it . All the rooms have names . " He held up keys . " The rounded one opens the back door , if you 're out after eight we lock the front . The triangle one opens this door . Kane used the door and pushed it open , walked in and held the door for her . Natalie walked in . Boats . Paintings of boats hung on each wall along with an obnoxiously large pelican and a psychedelic crab . More books , enough to make her weep , and an enormously tacky sea - shell framed mirror above a small sink and microwave . Natalie held out her hand and made herself smile again even though she really wanted to break something . Maybe that model 18th century ship ? " It 's fine . Really . Thank you so much . " He dropped the keys into her palm . A brief push of power and no answering surge from the keys . That would have been two easy . Natalie curled her fingers around the keys and resisted the urge to melt them on the spot . Two objects down , who knew how many to go ? " No thanks . " Natalie slid a hand into her small red purse and came out with a folded five between two fingers . She held it out . " Thanks again . " He left the room and she gave him points for not breaking into a run immediately . Natalie shut the door and turned around , leaning back against the wood . She looked around the room again . There wasn 't even a theme to the place , except an overall nautical feel . But a seashell mirror frame ? And then one of the paintings on the wall was of two penguins in a snowstorm . At least it looked like that to her and the smaller of the two penguins looked pissed . The other looked scared . It brought to mind a movie she 'd seen once , or television miniseries , by that man that always made Hades laugh . She could just hear the smaller penguin . Natalie sighed . Best get started . Clear this room and then , assuming it wasn 't that easy , she could get settled in and start checking out the rest of the place . She reached out and ran red fingernails across the seashell mirror frame . A brief push of power and nothing . One more object down . She skipped the microwave . The sprite could have disguised the Hell key as any object but not functioning machines . The first painting of a fishing boat at dock ? No . After a tedious inventory - particularly going through the three shelves of books - of the Sick Bay Natalie felt like breaking something so she went out into the hall and out the back door . She stalked out onto the wood porch and out into the gravel parking lot at the back of the hotel . The cool ocean air helped . She bit her lip again almost hard enough to draw blood with her fangs . She took a deep breath and pressed her lips together . She had to be patient , this was going to take time . Hopefully she 'd have the time , as far as she knew Hades might not even know yet about the key . If she had her way he never would . She walked across the lot to her cherry red VW New Beetle to get her luggage out . She flipped up the logo on the back , unlocked the hatch and pulled out her single black suitcase . She shut the hatch and turned around . A man stood up on the second floor balcony , leaning on the rail watching her . Handsome , with a strong jaw line and longish dirty brown hair hanging around his face . Nice broad , muscular shoulders and large hands loosely folded together . He wore jeans and a flannel shirt like any Northwest woodsman , but with his looks he 'd be better in a tux . Very James Bond . Of course James Bond didn 't normally go around barefoot either , and this guy was . He didn 't look away when she saw him but continued gazing at her . Was that a bit of a smile on his lips ? Of course from that angle he was getting a good look at her cleavage . Natalie titled her head . Natalie shifted her focus and really looked . He still looked as handsome as ever but his hair moved as if blown by a never - ending wind and from his massive shoulders wide white wings flexed and settled against his back . Nephilim ! He laughed again and once more she heard the sound of thunder in his laugh . " If we fight here , succubus , it will make it more difficult to find what you seek . It will draw attention . " Natalie answered his laugh with one of her own . Did he hear the echoes in her voice ? People moaning ? Crying out in pleasure and pain ? " A minor inconvenience if it means getting rid of you ! " He vaulted over the railing in one instant smooth motion . He fell to Earth and landed lightly on his bare feet as if the gravel didn 't bother him at all . Natalie raised her hands , falling back into a fighting stance . He shook his head and walked towards her with one hand outstretched . Natalie relaxed just slightly . She took his hand . His grip was strong , warm , and firm . He shook without squeezing too hard or holding her hand as if it would break . He held her hand just a second longer than necessary before letting go . " It 's better than exposure if we fight and this way we cover the place twice as fast . Have you seen the inside ? With two of us clearing objects - " " I get it . " Natalie looked up into his eyes colored like storm clouds . " Okay . I 'll take everything on the first floor including the cabins . " Peter shook his head . " We split those too . You can have this row , on this side of the lot , I 'll take the other and the second floor of the main building . All we have to do is stay out of the other 's area and we won 't have a problem . If the key is in your section you take it . " Or she could always take it from him after he left the hotel . Technically that wouldn 't be breaking the deal . He had to know that , which meant he 'd be planning the same thing . " Okay . " Natalie held out her hand . Peter took her hand again . Natalie brought up her left and lightly stroked the back of his hand . " This is going to be so great ! " Natalie let go . She made a shooing motion with her hands . " Go on then , you stay on your side of the hotel , and I 'll stay on mine . " " Right . Oh , except I do get to come down to the dining room for breakfast . I 've heard that they make a fabulous breakfast here . " Natalie gave him her sweetest smile . He answered with a small wave then turned and walked away underneath the balcony above , turned and started up the wood stairs leading up . Natalie picked up her bag and headed back to her room . Once back in the Sick Bay she carried her bag to the bedroom and dropped her bag on the queen - sized bed . There was a second door leading out of the bedroom into the hallway . She unzipped the bag and flipped the heavy lid open . Silver blades caught the light as the lid dropped down to the bed . She ran her finger along the biggest of the knives , one that almost qualified as a short sword with an elegant blade that widened out before narrowing down to a point . There was a clutch of throwing knives , and four narrow forearm blades . With a nephilim in the hotel it was time to change . If she found the artifact Peter would try to take it , and in all fairness , she 'd already decided to take it back from him if he found it . She needed to be ready . Natalie reached back , undid the short zipper at the small of her back and then pulled the red dress off her shoulders . It slid down her skin into a puddle around her feet . She stepped out and took off her heels . She glanced at the curtains just to make sure they were open and stretched her arms above her head , arching her back . Kane was walking past through the garden outside . He glanced at the window and stopped as if she 'd put up a wall . Not looking at him , she lowered hands and ran them down across her bare breasts and down her stomach until her nails slid just beneath the top of her red lace panties . In the corner of her eye she saw a blushing Kane hurry away . Chuckling softly , Natalie bent over and picked up the dress . She shook it straight and carefully folded it . After this Kane would tell her anything she wanted to know . She wasn 't heartless . She didn 't need to take it any farther . She had a job to do and didn 't mind using her charms to get it done but she wasn 't entirely her father 's daughter . She had no interest in Kane 's destruction . The worst thing she 'd leave him with was an image he could fantasize about on lonely nights . She put the red dress down on the bed . She took out a black polyamide top with a very low black lace V across the front and a back slit and pulled that on . Then she took out custom black leather wrist sheaths and strapped those to her arms . She added two of the long forearm knives . Black lace stockings , garters and then a pleated black skirt that hung just above her knee and gave her plenty of freedom to move . The skirt also had small hidden sheaths on the back to hold two throwing knives on each side . Over the top she put on a black double front evening coat that covered the wrist sheaths but with enough room at the wrists to give her easy access . The sleeves ended in black lace cuffs . Last of all she took out her black knee - high boots and pulled those on . Better . She took her cosmetics bag over to the sink and wash area and turned on the light . Not too bad . She switched to a darker , blood red lipstick and a few touch ups . The tip of her left ear stuck out of her hair . A little shake hid the tip again . Natalie smiled . Much better . She preferred having the knives with her instead of sitting in her suitcase . She put away the red dress and heels then zipped up the bag . The charm promised a nasty jolt for anyone , except her , trying to open it . Now she could start taking a look for the artifact . No time to waste . She picked up her purse , dropped in her room keys , and headed out of the Sick Bay . When she got out of the room she started right at the back door . A small round painting of a pelican hung on the wall . One finger and a brief push , that 's all it took to confirm it wasn 't the artifact . Another one down . The long dark hallway of tedium stretched out before her . Nothing to do but take them one at a time . The sprite 's spell hid the artifact too well for her to sense it any other way . Natalie stretched up on her tiptoes trying to reach the canoe hanging from the hallway ceiling . Too high . She didn 't sense anyone close , glanced behind her to make sure there wasn 't someone outside the door , and jumped up . Her fingers brushed the worn wood frame of the canoe . Nothing . She landed lightly . She 'd gotten through two thirds of the hallway when she reached the first book case . Five shelves , full of books . She 'd never been in a hotel with so many books ! She was on her fourth book when she heard footsteps and the door nearest the book case opened . A woman stepped out , middle - aged , a bit heavy , with graying hair . She wore bright blue sweats with white pin stripes and sneakers . She stopped when she saw Natalie standing in the hall and her eyes widened . " Oh , hello ? " " Fine . " The woman laughed nervously and gestured at the book shelves . " Looking for something to read ? The Anchor has so many great books . A lot of them are from other writers that stay here , they leave copies . " Natalie took her hand . " Natalie , romances are my favorite . I 've just been looking around , taking it all in . There 's so many fascinating things here . " Michelle beamed . " I know ! Isn 't it great ? I love it here . I usually try to come down the last week or so that when I 'm going to finish a novel . I get the one done and then start the next before I go home . " Michelle nodded , gave a little wave and then turned and walked down the hallway . Natalie waited until she went out the back door and then she walked over to Michelle 's room . She gripped the knob and gave a push to the lock . It clicked free . She opened the door and walked in . No time to be shy . The room had just as many possible artifacts as the Sick Bay . She probably wouldn 't get a better chance to clear a room . She went to work . Natalie left Michelle 's room , easing the door closed behind her as she checked the hallway . Nobody around to see her coming out of the wrong room . Michelle 's room had proved just as fruitless as her own . The same sort of decor , all unique items , but a general aquatic theme . Seascape paintings on the walls , another model ship and a boat wheel with rich dark wood and a clock in the center . A second clock in the bedroom was embedded in the heart of a gray piece of driftwood . And of course there were books . Three more shelves of books that Natalie had to go through , one at a time . It wasn 't as easy as it might have sounded to go through a room , touch and push each object . The sprite could have hidden the artifact anywhere , as anything . She returned to the bookshelf outside Michelle 's room and touched the next spine . No . The next . No . At this rate she 'd need a tall latte soon just to ward off the headache . She finished checking the books before Michelle returned and continued down the hall . An oar strapped to the wall , no . A painting of a 1940 's nurse pin - up , no . Natalie reached the end of the hall . Nothing in this wing , unless it was in one of the other two rooms on the ground floor . She turned right - no way was she going to face that dining room now - and ran her fingers across a picture of Marilyn Monroe . Not the artifact . The DVD shelves were just ahead and she couldn 't stand the thought of having to touch every one . The popcorn machine gave off a rich , warm , salty buttered popcorn smell . Someone had just made a new batch . She needed an edge . Something to give her a step up over Peter . No one was down by the service desk . Just past the desk the stairs went up four steps and then turned and went up towards the back of the building . The hallway between the DVDs and the desk was full of potential artifacts . Chairs , a lamp , pictures and objects on the wall , an aquarium with a bamboo stand - all of it taunting her . If she could only look and see the truth , but she couldn 't . Natalie walked to the service desk and tapped her fingernails on the top of the glass case . On the left , behind the counter a beaded curtain hung in the entrance . Not at all like other hotels , but she 'd grant it a certain charm . More if she wasn 't trying to find the artifact among all of this stuff . She noticed a small plastic box with a button in the center sitting on top a scrap of paper with the words scrawled , " Press for service . " She heard footsteps behind the beaded curtain . A large green vase on the case was filled with peppermints . She picked one out , touching the vase with her other hand . Nope . Not that either . A woman appeared on the other side of the curtain . Not a pretty woman , with limp brown hair tied back in a pony - tail . She smiled and that brightened up her face considerably . Not pretty , but not unattractive either . She looked up at Natalie . Natalie had hoped that Kane would be around but the poor man was probably hiding out somewhere . " I 've been admiring the decor . I 've never been here before . There 's so much to see . " " I found out about the place from a friend of mind that stayed here a couple weeks back . Short , dark hair , thin ? He 's kind of a nervous guy but very clever . " Natalie smiled , careful not to show bare her fangs . She hadn 't known what name the sprite used when he stayed here . " Yes . He said I should come check out the place . " " That 's nice of him . He seemed sweet , quiet . Sat alone at breakfast but then we had a bunch of writers here that week . He might have felt out of place . " " He 's shy , " Natalie said . She leaned forward slightly . " He said that he left a piece here , something for your collection . Have you seen it ? " Paige laughed . " No , Kane helps out but no way is he the boss . No , that 'd be Brian . But he 's not around right now . " " That 's too bad . I was hoping that he could show me what Mark left . Sometimes Mark borrows things that don 't belong to him , a bad habit , and I 'd hate to think that the hotel 's reputation might be tarnished by buying stolen property . " " Yep . I 'll tell Brian about your concern . I 'm sure he 'll be happy to talk to you about anything Mark might have left . " " Sorry , you probably have a lot to do . Just one thing , you 've been so helpful . Where can a girl go for good coffee around here ? " Natalie looked around at the front hallway . Later . She 'd come back and check everything here after she had a decent latte . And who knew ? Maybe Brian would be around and could take her straight to the artifact . The Country Cup turned out to be farther down the hill than Natalie had expected to walk in heels but the tall latte made it all worthwhile . She walked back up the hill towards the Anchor enjoying the hot beverage . Chilly wind blew her hair around in her face . The whole city stretched along highway 101 , sandwiched between the highway and the ocean on one side and trees and hills on the other . There was probably more to the city back away from the highway but clearly the whole place centered on that stretch of blacktop . Traffic rushed past in both directions full of fat vacationers in RVs . A bicyclist with bright red panniers shot down the hill past her . She approved of his color choice but why would anyone choose to travel like that and arrive everywhere dirty and sweaty ? Natalie made it back to the Anchor with her latte still half full . She took her time coming across the parking lot to the main building . There were plenty of decorations out along the rows of cabins that needed to be checked . Oars , ropes , floats and life preservers , and not one of them was the artifact . Not the wood cutouts of crabs and dolphins painted like they belonged in a nursery school . Or the bicycle chained up front . Not the mannequin holding the welcome sign on one side of the porch . Above the entryway hung a golden anchor , out of reach for the moment , but she 'd check it later . Nothing she touched responded . She went through the door again and reached up to touch the bell above the door . Nope . No one was around in the front area . Natalie didn 't hesitate . She went to the swinging door to the area behind the welcome desk and reached over to flip the latch up and step through . The hutch behind the case was full of objects . Plates painted with images of lighthouses , someone 's lost key ring , a tall silver and black thermos . Natalie ran her fingers across each of them . Push after push and nothing . She heard footsteps upstairs but it didn 't sound like anyone coming down the stairs . She kept going . It didn 't take hours to check everything in and on the hutch but it felt like hours had passed . She sipped her latte and wished she had another . Her head pounded . She didn 't normally have to use her power so much . All of those little pushes were building up to a really annoying headache . Natalie felt a little jolt in her nerves but it never so much as reached her little finger . Nothing to let Peter know that he had startled her . She turned around smoothly . Peter stood on the other side of the swinging door as if he 'd just come downstairs . Without making a single one of the wooden steps squeak . Damn angel - spawn , he 'd done it just to sneak up on her . " Sure beats the alternative , " Peter said . He walked around to the front of the counter . Natalie rotated to keep facing him . " You know if the staff see you back there , they might not be too happy . " Peter chuckled . " I 'm sure you can . Listen , Natalie , you know you don 't actually have to do this whole thing ? I mean working for Hades . " " You 're like me , you 've got a parent from Hell . Literally in your case , but you 've also got a human parent . You 're just as free as any person that walks the face of this planet to make your own choices . You can fight back . " " I 'm not above earning a few favors , " Peter said . " Getting this key would be like getting a get out of jail free card . I could use that . " " Yeah , well , you don 't know anything . I don 't have a choice . I 'm not free and I suggest that you get out of my way and stay away . " " Dinner . You do eat , so why don 't we go have dinner ? Get out of this place with me for an hour or two . Have something to eat and just take a break . " Natalie laughed . " Oh , you 're hilarious . Did you actually think that 'd work ? What ? You get me out of the here and then have some of your friends scout out the first floor ? I don 't think so . " Peter straightened . " That wasn 't it at all . I thought we might have a nice time . You might find we have a lot in common . " He walked back around the counter , reached the steps and bounded up the first three steps . Then he was gone . Natalie heard someone coming from the other side of the beaded curtain . She opened the swinging door and stepped through . She was around the counter when Paige pushed through the beaded curtain . " Just let me know which one you have and then you can take it back to your room . We 'd prefer that you only take one at a time . If we 're not around , just leave a note . " Right . Natalie turned around and walked down to the shelves . She drained the last of her latte . She should have bought two . Oh well , best get it over with . Natalie shut the Sick Bay door and peeled off her boots . She dropped them beside the door . She still had her stockings on but the feel of the floor against her mostly bare feet made her think of Peter . The nephilim was taunting her . Asking he out to dinner , who does that ? He was the offspring of an angel and a human woman , and her father was an incubus . It wasn 't as if she had a choice in any of this . Natalie grinned . Right , if she could talk to Brian then she 'd be asking essentially the same thing . Give me the artifact and I 'll go away . Natalie put her right arm over her eyes . Yet when she did she saw Peter jumping down from the balcony , all that power , casually showing off . His bare feet landing so lightly on the ground . The way he left the top buttons of his shirt undone , just giving a hint of a smooth muscled chest . Natalie sat up . She clenched her hands , fingers pressing into the smooth leather couch . She was just frustrated , in part because of the fruitless search . Going through the DVDs had been like one of Hades ' tortures . Touch and push , over and over again and not in a good way . And that was the other problem . She hadn 't had a good touch and push in days . Her father was an incubus and her mother a nymphomaniac , she had needs that demanded a certain satisfaction . But she 'd promised herself not to let that drive her . She was in control and right now she didn 't have time to go mess around . She 'd cleared the main hallways but that left the dining room , full of artifacts , the rest of the rooms on this floor and the cabins outside . She just needed to make friends and influence people . After she took a short cat nap . She didn 't like sleeping long stretches , naps worked for her . She got up from the couch and headed into the bedroom . She shucked the evening coat and draped it over the foot board . She laid down and closed her eyes . Her hand reached down and ran along the edge of the skirt . A little solo touch and push might not be a bad idea , it 'd help calm her nerves and make it easier to nap . Her nails slid beneath the edge of the skirt when a reddish light appeared through her eyelids . She heard a rough , familiar chuckle . Natalie opened her eyes and rolled over up onto one elbow to look at the mirror above the wash area . Not a mirror at the moment , but what looked like a window into a dark room of polished black stone and dark chains . The light looked like moonlight but had no definable source . It came from everywhere and nowhere . Right on the other side of the mirror - window stood a man with a handsome , if cruel face . He sneered at her and reached up to finger a nipple pierced by six silver barbs . Abaddon smiled , just enough to show a hint of the fangs filling his mouth . " I have my own interest in this . If you were to hand the artifact over to me I 'd be very grateful . " A familiar look entered Abaddon 's eyes , that look that said you had a man 's attention . It was like hunger but fiercer . Natalie ran her hand past the end of the skirt and toyed with her garter belt , running a finger under the black lace edges . The light in the mirror started to dim . Abaddon turned away , then paused . He didn 't look back when he spoke . " We 'll pick this up another time . " Then the mirror was just a mirror and Natalie sat up and swung her legs off the bed . If Abaddon spoke the truth , and Hades was getting impatient - not something that stretched the imagination - then she needed to hurry up . It didn 't sound like she 'd have another week to wrap this up after all . No matter what deadlines Hades originally set . She grabbed her coat and pulled it on as she headed back to the sitting room . She picked up her boots and pulled them back on before heading out of the Sick Bay . It was time to stop being shy . In the hall she knocked on the door across the hall from her room . She listened and didn 't hear any sounds coming from the room . She knocked again and still didn 't get an answer . Fine . She pushed at the lock and was rewarded by the door opening . Natalie stepped inside and quickly closed the door behind her . A quick glance suggested that the room was vacant . Nothing in the sitting room looked like it was left by a guest . She went to work despite the headache and the monotony of checking each object in the room . She 'd just finished the sitting room when she heard a key in the lock . Natalie crossed quickly to the door and turned the nob , opening it up . Kane stepped back , blinking in surprise . An older gray - haired couple was with him . Natalie stepped out close to Kane . She reached out and tapped a nail on one of the buttons on his shirt . " Sorry , I didn 't mean to startle you folks . Can you believe it ? I got all turned around and went into the wrong room ! " Natalie gave them all a bright smile and locked eyes with the older gentleman . His pale skin flushed . " I 'm right over there , across the hall . If you 'll excuse me ? " Natalie walked past , her fingers grazing Kane 's arm , and went to her room . She pulled out her key and used it to open the door . She went on in but left the door open so that she could see out into the hallway . She heard Kane stammering as he showed the couple their room . She picked a book at random off the shelf and sat down on the leather couch . She stretched her legs out and crossed them at the ankle as she opened the book , a novel called Family , Pack . Werewolves . Cute . Across the hall Kane finished up answering the couples ' questions and then came out the door , pulling it closed behind him . Natalie closed the book , keeping her finger in to mark her page . " I 'm so sorry , Kane . I don 't know how I got turned around . " Natalie leaned forward . " It 's wonderful ! I 've been going around looking at everything . I 'll admit , I was confused how things had changed in my room , and my stuff was gone , but then I figured it out . I felt so stupid ! " " You 're sweet . " Natalie tilted her head . " I don 't suppose you have any recommendations on where a girl might get something to eat for dinner around here ? " Natalie set the book down and rose smoothly from the couch . She walked right up to Kane . He was already blushing again but he also didn 't move away . Points for that . She leaned deeply into his space , looking right into his eyes . " Paige told me that Brian might have gotten something from my friend Mark . But I haven 't seen Brian around today . Do you have any idea what it was ? Knowing Mark , he might have stolen it and I wouldn 't want to see this wonderful place get in trouble . " Kane shook his head quickly . " I d - don 't know . Brian handles all of that stuff . B - but he does have a guy doing appraisals upstairs . " Kane lifted a hand and then headed away down the hall . The door across the hallway opened up and the older man looked out into the hall . Natalie looked at him and gave the tiniest pout . He ducked back into the room and shut the door . Natalie laughed and walked out into the hall , closing her door behind her . Peter , no wonder that sneaky nephilim had suggested the bargain . He already had the artifact , he just had to identify it and stash it until her time ran out . With her out of the picture then he could take the key and be gone . No one would be the wiser . Except that now she knew . She headed out the back door . From there she went up the wide wood steps . She stepped lightly , glad for the leather boots instead of her heels . She could move silently in this outfit . The wind caught her hair and the evening jacket and blew them out behind her . Dark gray clouds filled the sky in all directions . A real storm was brewing . Tiny drops misted her cheeks and clung to her eyelashes . She reached the deck and moved quickly around the corner to the second floor back door . It wasn 't closed entirely . She pulled it open and stepped inside . Another long hallway with throw rugs on the floor and a couple book cases on the walls . It was poorly lit , but she saw easily in the dark , preferred it to bright artificial lights . Two rooms down the hallway was an open room and a few lamps that cast golden light on the wood paneled walls . From this end she could see some rundown couches and chairs that would have looked at home on a curb with a cardboard " Free " sign . Natalie shook her head and started walking down the hallway . All of her senses were alert . The first two rooms were closed . She heard muffled music coming from one and some sexy giggles . She felt the energy through the door . Illicit and tempting , just the sort of thing that appealed to her . Two people who probably shouldn 't be hooking up were together in that room . Intriguing , but not her business right now . She kept going until she reached the room ahead . Furniture all around the sides of the room . A young woman sat back in an over - stuffed leather chair with a netbook on her lap . Her fingers flew along the keys . Nice bone structure , bleached blond hair , and a body thin from not eating enough . She looked up and her eyes widened when she saw Natalie . A hint of color came to the woman 's cheeks . She pointed down the hallway past the room . " Last I saw he was down there , across from the kitchen . " Natalie walked on , feeling the woman 's eyes on her as she left . She passed an open door to a meeting room with a long table at the center , then the stairs leading back down to the first floor and the reception desk . On the other side an open doorway led to a kitchen area with a bar and a seating booth and across from that was another room with a table piled high with all sorts of objects . Lamps and paintings and sculptures and other things and sitting at the head of the table was Peter turning an orange glass float ball in his hands . She wanted to draw one of the long knives from her wrist sheaths and cut the smile from his face . She wanted him afraid and in pain , or begging her for a touch . Either would work but right now he didn 't have either of those expressions on his face . He looked smug . Peter gentle sat down the float . He didn 't try to get up . He just put his hands on the arms of the chair . " Why would you think that ? " Now Peter did rise , slowly , and slid the chair back . He stood relaxed with his hands at his sides . " And if I tell you I don 't have it ? " She could taste the lie on her lips like kissing someone who hadn 't brushed their teeth recently . She shook her head . " I know you 're lying . It doesn 't belong to you , just hand it over now . " " Natalie , before we go down this road , just listen to me . We don 't have to turn it over . If we keep it we can use it to bargain for our freedom . " " No , Peter , we can 't . If I don 't turn it over they 're going to send Abaddon to drag me to Hell . Thank you , but I 'd rather serve on Earth . I 've worked hard to get this position and I 'm not about to risk it . I do what they tell me . " Peter shook his head . " I 'd like a chance at a life on Earth first . I can do so much good here and that 's not possible in Heaven . It sounds great , it is great , but I can 't make a difference there . We could make a difference together . " Natalie felt a cool calm spread throughout her mind . She couldn 't solve Peter 's problems . She could stay out of Abaddon 's dark room . She reached into her sleeves and drew the knives . Peter moved so fast he was a blur . She moved too and slashed out with her knives . He blocked with his arm and the blow almost numbed her wrist . She kept the knife and pressed her attack . Peter was faster . He stayed away from the blades and one of his long legs swept up to kick at her side . He got behind her in that second . His hands grabbed her coat and he spun , throwing her up across the table . Natalie hit the wall and the impact stunned her . She fell to the floor just managing not to land on her own blades . Peter grabbed the table and tipped it over . She covered her head as everything on the table rained down on her and the table hit with a loud bang right in front of her face . The glass float shattered around her , a lamp broke on her left . A heavy iron - work sign hit her shoulder hard enough to cause an ache . Natalie shook off everything and rose up still holding her knives . Peter wasn 't in the room . She jumped the table and ran out of the room just in time to see Peter disappearing down the stairs . She ran after him . As she skipped down the stairs three at a time she heard the front door bell ring . She hit the landing before the stairs turned and then jumped the rest of the way down . The front door was swinging shut . " Last chance , Natalie . Join me . We don 't have to be slaves to them . We work together , use it to bargain our freedom on Earth . " Peter ran at her . She ran at him and she was armed . Before they came together Peter jumped . No , he flew . She looked and saw those massive wings sweep down . The wind blew her hair back . He flew straight at the golden anchor hanging above the entryway . Peter ripped the golden anchor free from the building . The wind from his wings blew all around her . A light flared and she smelled sulfur and the anchor melted away until all he held was a twisted black iron key . It hurt to even look at the key , like looking into a bright light , but this was dark . Foul , and covered with barbs . The knife sunk into his forearm . Peter gasped . The key fell from fingers bloodied by the barbs . More blood dripped from the wound . Then he fell . He landed heavily and rolled . Peter grimaced and pulled her other knife from his arm . He cast it aside at her feet . Then he pressed his good hand over the wound . He looked at her with sad eyes . Above them a bright light appeared behind the clouds , like the sun breaking through , but Peter was right . It wasn 't the sun . Natalie backed away from him up onto the Anchor 's porch . She reached the door and sunlight shone down from the sky all around him . He shielded his eyes and looked up . The light brightened . She looked away , shield her eyes with her arm . Then the light vanished . Natalie lowered her arm and Peter was just gone . The parking lot was empty and a faint drizzle was falling from the sky . Natalie turned and went back to her room . She cleaned her knife and put it back in the wrist sheath . From her bag she took out an iron box . She opened it up and laid the key inside . The lid closed with a click . The whole box started glowing as if red hot and heated from within . Tendrils of sulfur - smelling smoke rose into the air and then the whole box flared brighter . She heard a pop and it was just gone . The smoke faded . Natalie looked in the mirror that was only a mirror right now and fixed her lipstick and hair . Then she went into the other room and settled back onto the couch . She picked up the book she 'd looked at earlier . Her muscles ached from the fight , but that would pass . She still had time until seven . She didn 't need to keep the date with Kane , but a nice dinner , with a nice man ? That sounded like Heaven on Earth right now . This story is the 29th weekly short story release , written in September 2010 . I originally released this that December as an e - book under my pen name " Tennessee Hicks , " until I took it down to consolidate everything under my name . My fellow Oregon coast workshop attendees may recognize the setting for this story . Eventually I 'll do standard e - book releases when I am satisfied that I can create the cover art that I want for the books . In the meantime I 'm enjoying these weekly releases . Stories will remain until I get up the new e - book versions and at that point I 'll take the story down . If you 're interested in longer works , feel free to check out my novels through the links in the sidebar or on the Books page . Check back next week for another story . Next up is a science fiction story , People Love Rocketships . Writer and artist , Ryan M . Williams , author of more than twenty novels , writes across a range of genres including fantasy , science fiction , romance , paranormal , and mystery . He holds a Master of Arts from Seton Hill University in writing popular fiction . His short fiction has appeared in anthologies from Pocket Books , WMG Publishing , and in On Spec Magazine . He currently attends San Jose State University , pursuing a Master of Information and Library Science degree . View all posts by Ryan M . Williams Author Ryan M . WilliamsPosted on September 7 , 2015Categories Short StoryTags 2010Stories , Angels , Dark Fantasy , Fantasy , Nephilim Post navigation |
Time Won 't Let Me Go Posted on March 22 by mrjprice3 I couldn 't tell you when it happened , just when I began to notice it . It was a subtle nudge from my subconscious , telling me that the status quo was in flux . That the world had changed , and everything around me would be forever different . I fought it , denied it , for so long , pretending that things were as they had always been . Soon , I began to question it , and when I went to the world demanding answers , the world commanded that I look within . It provided me with nothing more , other than its smug silence , daring me to put the pieces together . So I did , assaulting the sublime with all the angst of a catcher in the rye . I searched for the source of this shift in balance , desperately trying to find my lost paradise . I refused to do as the world had suggested , looking without for the key to this quiet madness . Eventually , I realized such a quest would be ultimately fruitless , as I came to a very important conclusion . In all my raging against the machine , and with all my causeless rebellion , I had failed to see what was right before me the whole time . I had never noticed that as time washed over me , it also changed me . That with every breath I took , I was a slightly different person , and that as the world appeared to shift and evolve around me , in truth , it was simply my eyes that were changing . Perhaps it is simply the nature of the species to be in a constant state of change . In a way , it would be utterly impossible to remain the same , even from one day to the next . It is not necessarily big , monumental changes that occur , but little , unnoticeable , seemingly insignificant changes , and when those minute changes are viewed together , they paint a picture of a being that has no set reality , no set base . The greatest constant in life is change . You never cross the same river twice , because with every drop of water that flows , it carries something with it . It takes something away , it leaves something different behind . Every second that ticks by reveals a new creation . And somehow , I am still foolish enough to attempt to hold on , gripping my moments with brutal ferocity . Or attempting to , at least . Because , in the end , those moments are again like water : try as you might , you 'll never be able to grip them in your hand . At best , you can briefly hold them in your palm , watching as they slowly trickle away . Misery Business Posted on March 8 by mrjprice3 There is an old parable about a man who had a newborn son . When his son was born , all the townspeople came to his home to congratulate him on this wonderful event . The man calmly replied to them , " Who is to say if this is good or bad . " Some years later , when his son had become a man , he bought a horse . As his son was breaking in the horse , he fell off , breaking his leg . All the townspeople came and told the man how sorry they were that this horrible thing had happened . The man calmly replied to them , " Who is to say if this is good or bad . " Several weeks passed , and the man 's country went to war . Because his son was still very much wounded , the young man was not conscripted into the military , and therefore did not have to fight in the war . All the townspeople once again came and told the man how wonderful it was that he was able to keep his son , and once again , he told them " Who is to say if this is good or bad . " Life is full of miserable situations and moments . Many of our days are not good ones . Or at least they are not pleasurable ones . Perhaps misery is not bad . Not to say that miserable things are good , per se , but perhaps they are not inherently bad . I 've come to realize that much of life is about being a loser . Failing at things , having things not line up , being disappointed , and being used , abused , mistreated , and manipulated are simply part of the human experience . And it would seem that these experiences are more than plentiful . Difficult things happen all the time . You are going to be a loser more often than not . However , I have realized something else as well . It doesn 't matter how many of your days you wind up on the losing end , what matters is what you do with those winning days . Those few and precious moments where you win one , you have to make the most of those . You can have the crappiest decade , but that single day where things go right , if you capitalize on it , that can make all the difference . I don 't have much else to say . I know this seems like a giant storm cloud with a razor thin silver lining , but that 's life . You 've kinda gotta get over it . Because who is to say if this is good or bad . Who is to say if the next sunrise will bring you your big win ? Who is to say that any of this will matter in a year ? We All Are ; Act Accordingly Posted on February 27 by mrjprice3 So much time is spent preparing for some theoretical tomorrow . We spend our formative years in school preparing for college . We spend our college years preparing for the workplace . We spend our working years preparing for retirement . We spend our single days preparing for that perfect someone . We spend our coupled years preparing for children . We raise our children in preparation for them to move out , and when they do , we await what their lives hold . I have spent a quarter of a century preparing for things that may never come . I never graduated college , and the things I learned there prepared me for very little . I suppose looking ahead is better than looking behind all the time , but the same fatal error is made in either case . The present is the only thing that will ever belong to you . Tomorrow is a myth , and what has come before cannot be rewritten . There are benefits to looking back and learning from the past . It is wise to look forward and plan your next meal , or have an idea of how your bills are getting paid next month . However , spending your life fixated on an imaginary point in time is ludicrous . The future is fluid , and quite frankly , if you don 't take care of the here and now , there won 't be a future for you . You 'll waste every living second you have striving for some invisible finish line . It 's not about the destination that matters , it 's the journey and the paths you take to get there . People recite various versions of that old proverb as if were a mantra sometimes , but very few people really stop to think about the truth of it . The destination is pretty obvious ; there 's only one , and we all get there someday . We are on a one - way ride to the grave . The destination isn 't necessarily the prize ( but that brings religion into things , and I 'd rather not discuss that right now ; I only have so much time today . ) The journey you take is important . The scars you got from skinning your knees as a kid , those are important . That moment of bliss you have when you get that first wiff of your morning coffee on a brisk day , that 's important . The seemingly mundane thoughts and interactions you have on your way to work , while you 're at lunch , or when you 're out and about , every one of those things matters . Every moment is crucial , because you are never exactly the same person from one thought to the next , because every firing synapse changes you , refines you , just a little . The journey is worth experiencing in full detail . Watching the world and your understanding of it evolve over time is a fulfilling experience . Or at least it can be . It is important to take time to live in the now . You will never be here again . Sure , you might be sitting in that chair , at this time of day , wearing that shirt a thousand more times , but you , as you are , will never be exactly right here ever again . So why not take a look around . Maybe it 's not a memorable moment . Maybe it 's one you 'd rather forget . It doesn 't matter . The full spectrum should be experienced . How will you ever be able to say that you lived a full life if you refused to experience even one day in its fullness , whatever that might have been ? Be afraid , and learn to be brave . Be happy , and learn to be rational at the same time . Be sad , and learn to appreciate every breath that carries you through it . Be bored , and learn to not be so boring . Be ordinary , and learn to find the glory in the everyday things . Reaper , Chapter One Posted on February 21 by mrjprice3 To be honest , it 's unclear whether any of this actually happened . The stories that go along with our heroes fall into the gray space between history and legend , and rightfully so . It would appear that most legends have at least an ounce of truth to them , but no one is ever quite sure where the truth ends and the myth begins . Regardless , it makes for an interesting saga ; a modern myth , as it were . We begin our tale with a young man named Aaron Argent . Aaron was dark - haired , tall , and generally well built ( he had joined the swim team in high school after being cut from football tryouts for not being quite husky enough to play the line ) , but he wasn 't really one to stand out in a crowd . He seemed to have a constant far - off look in his eyes , giving him an air of mystery ; this was what his friend Alicia believed to be his best trait . When he graduated high school , he decided to take that far - off look to far - off places as a journalist . He had dreams of travelling the world , collecting and telling stories of distant lands and incredible adventures . His parents , while somewhat disappointed in their son 's choice of major , supported his decision to go to college . He applied all over the United States , and when the acceptance letters came in , he settled on a little school in North Carolina . Upon arrival at Dellamorte College , Aaron realized very quickly that he was going to need some sort of income in order to survive ; he had always known college life was a meager existence , but hadn 't realized just how meager until he arrived . He set out in search of employment that would work with his class schedule . As fate would have it , he saw a " help wanted " ad on a bulletin board for an overnight security job at a local funeral home . Admittedly a strange occupation , but he was in no position to be picky ; he dropped off his application in person , and since there were absolutely no other applicants , he was hired on the spot . When he arrived for work on the first night , the funeral director , Mr . Clive Lugosi , gave him a quick tour of the mortuary and a brief overview of his responsibilities . The funeral home itself was a rather ornate place ; it was a single - story building , with the three funeral parlors lined up just past the open lobby . The morticians ' offices were down a side hall that led to the back of the building , behind the parlors . Downstairs , the basement was a labyrinth of hallways , with rooms jutting off to the side at seemingly random junctures . Throughout this maze were scattered the more important rooms of interest ; the morgue ( where the coolers with the bodies were stored ) , the break room , the necessary facilities ( the " business essentials , " and Mr . Lugosi called them ) , and so on . " You see , Aaron , we are not really too concerned about people robbing us or breaking in . We are more focused on making sure the coolers stay at the correct temperature . That will be your main focus ; your rounds should bring you through the cooler room quite frequently . Now , occasionally we will have vandalism , with the local riff - raff spray painting the dumpsters and the side of the building … I believe they call it ' tagging ' these days . Simply having you here overnight should , however , help deter the hoodlums from sullying the appearance of this otherwise beautiful establishment . " " There 's no need to be so nervous , my boy . I hired you to do a job . Your opinion of this establishment won 't affect your paycheck . I would suggest , however , holding off on making any judgments about it until you get to know it a little better . She may surprise you . " " Well , I must be off . Here is your flashlight and the keys ; I will be back around sunrise . Please make yourself at home ; poke your head into any little nook you find curious . The more familiar you are with these halls , the better . " With that , Mr . Lugosi turned and left , and Aaron was on his own . As he proceeded to make his way through his rounds , he found himself downstairs in the morgue , where the bodies were stored before they were buried . The lights in the room were on , revealing a long row of coolers , some marked with the names of the deceased who rested within . Aaron checked the thermostats on the face of every cooler door , pausing to read the names of the deceased who rested inside . He imagined what their lives might have been like ; he wondered about the places they had travelled to , and what kind of stories they might have told him . Making his way to the end of the line , he found one of the cooler doors was open . Since none of the others were open , Aaron assumed that the door had been left open by accident , he reached down and closed it . When he turned back around , his heart jumped right into his throat . Standing before him was a man , seemingly in his early twenties , who was very clearly dead . The zombie smiled really wide and waved emphatically . Aaron , being the badass that he was , fainted dead away . When he awoke , he was in the break room in the basement , lying on a couch . He checked himself first for bite marks , and then for a bump somewhere on his head . " Man , what a crazy dream , " he thought . " I need to find a way to stay awake while I 'm working these overnight shifts . Funny … I don 't remember coming in here at all ; how did I get into the break room ? " Aaron sat up and looked around the room , searching for a clock , wondering how long he had been asleep . Not far from where he sat was the zombie from earlier , sitting at the table next to the vending machines , reading the newspaper . Noticing that Aaron was now awake , he gently set the paper down and introduced himself again , slowly enunciating every word . " Okay , let 's try this one more time : hello , my name is Kyle . It is very nice to meet you ; what is your name ? Gosh , I feel like I 'm in kindergarten , saying it like that … " Aaron went pale and almost fainted once more , but managed to just barely maintain consciousness this time . He jumped up and rushed out of the break room . Kyle watched him race out of the room and then picked up the newspaper . As Aaron ran down the hall , he could hear the zombie whistling to himself . It was somewhat confusing how calm the dead guy was , considering in all the movies he had seen on the topic , zombies tended to be angry and rather obsessed with consuming massive amounts of brain matter . Aaron didn 't let his confusion linger for very long , and soon found a janitor 's closet to hide in . He stayed there until the sun started to come up , at which point he cautiously poked his head out into the hallway . He didn 't see anything unusual , so he decided to finish his rounds . Finding nothing out of place and , more importantly , no dead people walking around , Aaron began to relax . He chalked it up to either sleep deprivation or a prank on the new guy , and finished up his shift with no further incidents . Mr . Lugosi arrived shortly after Aaron finished his final lap around the mortuary . He greeted the young man with a firm handshake . Mr . Lugosi nodded . " Good , good ; now , I am sure you are tired and need to grab a few winks of sleep before coming back tonight . You are coming back tonight , correct ? " Mr . Lugosi grinned . " I told you that this place had a certain charm to it . Once you walk through those doors , you 're hooked ; there 's no getting away from her . " The next night , Aaron showed up to work , having completely shoved aside the thoughts of what had occurred during his first shift . Some of the staff were still on their way out when he arrived , and he spent a few minutes shooting the breeze with a few of them as they gathered their things and made their way home for the night . When they were all gone , he locked the heavy front door and began his patrols . Even though he had convinced himself that what he had seen the night before was nothing more than his imagination running wild , he couldn 't help but feel a little anxious as he went about his duties . With every empty room he passed , he felt more and more at ease , and the fear that nibbled at the corners of his mind faded away . When he came to the cooler room , all the coolers were closed and everything was the way it should be ; nothing was out of place , no cooler doors sat open , and none of the dead appeared to be wandering around . He lingered there for a few minutes , entirely relieved that the events of the night before were not repeating themselves . Looking around one last time , he left the room and continued his rounds . Halfway through the night , Aaron walked down to the break room to take his lunch . Rounding the corner and stepping through the doorway , the image he saw froze him in place . Kneeling down in front of one of the vending machines was the dead guy from the night before , trying to fish out a candy bar that had gotten stuck as it fell . " Aaaaarrggghhh ! " Aaron yelled as he rushed towards the dead man and began clubbing him with the flashlight . In between hits , Kyle frantically tried to dislodge his hand from the snack machine . Kyle snorted . " I probably should ; I 'm gonna be feeling those welts for a couple of days . But no , I 'm not going to eat you . I 'm gonna eat my candy bar . " " Mmmmm … so good . Anyway , " he paused as he chewed and swallowed , then continued , " look , I 'm not trying to kill you , scare you , or cause any kind of trouble . I really just want someone to talk to . Most people , like you , flip their lids when I try to talk to them . Well , those who I CAN talk to . Not everyone can understand us dead folks ; the majority of people see us as mindless monsters who can only communicate in grunts and groans . " Kyle shook his head . " No … the term ' zombie ' carries such a dark , creepy connotation . Let 's call it what it is : I 'm dead . Also , before we go any further , let 's have a formal introduction . As I said yesterday , my name is Kyle . " Kyle finished his candy bar and shrugged . " Fair enough ; I 'm sure you 've got a lot of questions , so I 'll try to answer as many of them as I can . What 's the first one that comes to mind ? " Aaron shook his head slowly . " I 'm talking to a dead person … I feel like I 'm losing my mind . Well , I guess I 'm going to assume that this is really happening , and get down to the details . You said not everyone can understand you … how is it that I can ? " Kyle shrugged again . " I don 't know ; I guess some people can still see us for who we were before we died . I really don 't know why . And if you 're wondering , no , I don 't just walk up to every living being that comes along and strike up a conversation . We can sense when someone can understand us ; most of the time , at least . " " I can 't explain it … it 's just … an instinct . We just KNOW . It 's kind of like when you 're sleeping and you can feel someone staring at you . " " Eh , some of us . Most of the others play dead ; since none of us knows why we 're still here , things are less scary if you just stay in your cooler . Some of us get up and walk around , though , as you can see . " " Hmm . " Aaron sat and soaked in all the information for a few minutes , while Kyle got himself another candy bar . Aaron eyed Kyle as he ate . " I don 't have to eat to stay the way I am , but if I don 't eat , I get mighty hungry . I went three months without eating one time , and MAN was I getting a case of the grumblies . I mean , I was seriously craving anything I could put in my mouth at that point . " Kyle placed his hands behind his head and leaned back . " See , I don 't know . I don 't know what could ' kill ' me , as it were . I don 't have to eat , I don 't need to breathe , and I don 't need to sleep … I don 't really need anything . As for what could kill me , or at least make me ' more dead ' , I have no idea . I sure don 't want to find out . " " Water under the bridge , dude ; just keep that flashlight away from me . I 'm worried I might have a flashback and freak out . Maybe go hide in a janitor 's closet . " Kyle rolled his eyes . " Dude , you could not have made more noise . You sounded like a herd of elephants running around this place . I simply followed the noise for a while to make sure you didn 't hurt yourself during your little episode . " The two of them exited the break room , and the rest of the night went by violence - free , as Kyle followed Aaron around as they weaved their way through the hallways beneath the funeral home . They chatted about trivial things like sports and the weather ; Aaron had a lot more questions for Kyle , but he needed some time to digest what he had already learned , so they kept the conversation light until they parted ways . When dawn began to break , Kyle returned to his cooler . Kyle looked at Aaron with a bewildered expression . " Dude , I 'm dead , not a vampire ; the sunlight won 't kill me . I damn sure can 't just be up - and - at - em when everyone gets here , though . Can you imagine the pandemonium that would break out if other people saw me walking around this place ? Not everybody can understand me . They 'd flip out ; it would be like that scene in Frankenstein where the people from the neighboring village storm the castle with their torches and pitchforks . " " Yeah , people don 't take too kindly to a dead person walking around on his own . So , I 'm gonna head back to the cooler . Are you coming back tonight ? " With that , the two bumped fists and parted ways , with Kyle going off to his refrigerated hole in the wall , and Aaron to sleep for a while before his first class of the day . That night , when Aaron returned for his third shift , Mr . Lugosi called him into his office . The man quickly finished what he was working on , grabbed his coat and , as he prepared to leave , he had a short conversation with Aaron . " Yes , well , the reason I called you in here was to give you a bit of a warning ; don 't worry , you 're not in any trouble . It 's about the job itself , not your performance . Our business here is death , and I 'm sure that fact is never far from the front of your mind . Sometimes there are things that cannot be explained ; the eyes can play tricks on the mind in a place like this . So what I suppose I really want to say is that there is nothing to fear , and if there is anything unusual or if you run into any trouble , take note of it and feel free to contact me . " " Please , simply calling me Lugosi is fine ; I prefer it , actually . I 'm not really a fan of the ' Mr . ' title . But , I must away , as it were ; I must get home and tend to things there . And Aaron , I am serious about calling me if things get hairy . I don 't expect them to , but don 't worry about waking or bothering me . I am more than willing to help out when I am needed . " Aaron stood there a moment , quite puzzled by his exchange with Lugosi . He wasn 't sure if the mortician was trying to tell him that he knew about Kyle walking around the place at night , or if he was simply being accommodating . Shaking his head and walking away , he decided to ask Kyle about Lugosi when he went downstairs . Aaron quickly worked his way through the various funeral parlors on the main floor , and then went downstairs in search of Kyle . Aaron waved his hand nonchalantly . " Oh , yeah ; that won 't be a problem . There 's a casket set up in Parlor 3 . I 'm assuming that 's his ? " " Nothing crazy , I just got the feeling that he had more to say , but wasn 't able to talk about it for some reason . Almost like he knows that some of you guys get up and walk around when he 's not here . I don 't know , maybe I 'm just reading too much into it . What do you know about the guy ? " Kyle squinted and stretched . " Uh , not much , honestly . I 've never met him , so what I know about him came from his assistant , who died a few years back . She said he was a mortician somewhere else for a while before he came here . She said he 'd been here for about twenty years . Other than that , I don 't really know anything about him ; I don 't even know what the guy looks like . " " Twenty years ? No way … he doesn 't look that old . I mean , I guess he could be in his fifties or something . He looks really young to have that long of a history here , AND to have been a mortician somewhere else . " Kyle shrugged . " Some people figure out what they want to do early on in life . More power to ' em . Hey , shifting gears here , do you want to head upstairs and take a look at Derek 's casket ? " The two of them made their way up to Parlor 3 , which was empty except for the casket and an easel with a picture of Derek propped up on it . The two of them walked to the front , admired the portrait , and then took a quick look at the casket . Looking back at the picture , Aaron broke the silence . " You know , man , I 'm not sure . I 'm a big believer in the afterlife ; I kind of have to be , considering I got hit by a bus six years ago , and here I am . But when it comes to heaven and hell type stuff , I really have no idea . I certainly hope we don 't just sit in that box until we rot away . If that 's the case , I may have gotten the better end of the deal by getting stuck here . " Kyle smirked . " It 's okay , you can say it : how did I die ? Well , that 's a long - ish story . Maybe tomorrow night , muchacho . I have to hunt down Derek and make sure he 's doing alright , and then get the both of us back to our coolers . I 'll catch up with you tomorrow . " Kyle hopped up and clapped Aaron on the shoulder as he left . Aaron sat there quietly for a few minutes before leaving the parlor . He finished out his shift quietly , and when Lugosi arrived , he clocked out and went back to his apartment for a few hours of sleep . He didn 't have any classes until the afternoon , but he did have plans to grab lunch with Alicia . Alicia had been his best friend for as long as he could remember . When they had graduated high school , they decided that they wanted to go to the same college , and as luck would have it , they were both accepted at Dellamorte . Alicia was an interesting character , to say the least . Blonde hair and green eyes with a thin physique and perpetual sly smile , she was a very beautiful person . She was spunky and quirky , and had met Aaron when they were in first grade . She had stood up for him when he was getting bullied on the playground , and they had been friends ever since . Aaron had been her escape from the stresses of life for as long as they had known each other . She had been in and out of psychiatric care since she was eight . She claimed at the time that she had travelled to a far - away , colorful land full of talking animals , riddles , and a life - or - death poker game . Originally thinking that maybe she was having trouble differentiating between dreams and reality , her parents dismissed her . Over time , they grew concerned for her mental well - being , and had her assessed by a professional . The psychiatrists believed she was delusional schizophrenic , and that live - in treatment would best help someone with her advanced condition . She was subsequently committed and " re - immersed " into society several times over the years , and by the time she was in high school , she learned to keep her memories to herself . She was convinced that they were indeed memories and not dreams or imaginings . Most of her family and friends either avoided her or simply tolerated her , except for Aaron . Aaron always accepted her for who she was and didn 't care whether what she believed was real or fake ; he simply cared about Alicia . Considering his history with Alicia , Aaron decided to tell her about what had been happening at work while they ate . When they met up , they had a quick hug hello , and then they sat down for lunch . As they ate , Aaron told her everything ; he told her about freaking out the first night , about sitting down and talking to Kyle the second night , and about their most recent conversation . Alicia shook her head and popped a strawberry in her mouth . " No , I think it 's entirely possible . There are plenty of things we simply don 't know , don 't understand , or flat out refuse to believe to be true . It 's kind of arrogant to say that just because something has not happened to me that it is impossible for it to have happened to someone else . " Alicia shrugged . " I don 't know ; if you want , I can do some research on the undead . This can 't be the first time someone has talked to a dead person ; maybe I can find something written on the topic . " " If you wouldn 't mind , that would be great . I don 't know where you would LOOK for first - hand accounts of stuff like this , but your help would definitely be appreciated . It all still feels very surreal ; it 's so absurd . I can 't think of any way that this is actually happening . " Alicia smiled and replied , " I know what you mean . When people tell you something isn 't real for so long , and something happens to you that doesn 't fit inside that clean , little box , it can be jarring and uncomfortable . You know what you saw , but you don 't know who you can trust with that information . " Aaron smiled . He knew this was true ; she had followed him half way across the country just so they could still hang out together . He knew she would always have his back , and he would have hers . " I know , " she said cheerily . " In fact , there is very little I don 't know about you . But it 's getting to be about that time , so I should head off . I 'll let you know when I dig something up . " She stood quickly and mussed up his hair as she walked away . Aaron playfully pretended to be upset by this and quickly fixed his hair before heading off to class . Later that evening , Aaron picked up some ice cream and returned to the funeral home for his final night of work that week . When Lugosi and the last of the lingering staff left for the night , Aaron went downstairs and pulled Kyle from his cooler . " So … I 'm kinda curious , since you mentioned it last night . How did you wind up here ? And why have you been here for so long ? " " Well , about six years ago , I was a junior in college . I was having a really crappy year , as my girl had just dumped me , and my family and I weren 't on speaking terms . I hadn 't really talked to anyone I wasn 't in class with for quite a while . I had dived into my music to cope with everything that was going on , cuz I couldn 't just stop going to classes in order to deal with my mess . I had to make something of myself , or I would be a bum and a dropout for the rest of my life . I had bought these really awesome headphones , and I was trying them out . They were noise - cancelling , so I didn 't have to listen to anything that was going on around me ; all I heard was my music . I would throw them on , turn the music up loud , and just tune out the world around me ; it was my escape … from everything . " While I was jamming out one day , I went to cross a street . A bus must have whipped around the corner , because I didn 't see it when I stepped off the curb . I didn 't hear it because of the music , and it barreled right over me . I 'm assuming it killed me on impact , because I don 't remember being in any pain . I woke up here , feeling rather cold and hungry , but not uncomfortably so . I looked around , and I found I was in my cooler . I 'll be honest with you , I freaked out a little bit until I figured out I could open the cooler door from the inside . I climbed out , and on the counter I found my medical sheet . I noticed it because my name was on it in big black letters : Kyle Dieselberg , deceased . " I couldn 't believe it , because I was obviously still walking around and stuff . I thought it must have been a big mistake , and they simply thought I was dead . I flipped through the file , and what I saw was horrible . The bus had hit me crazy hard ; I had bled out on the street , broken a whole bunch of bones , and had a lot of intense internal damage . There was no mistaking the fact that I had died right there . " I was really confused , because it didn 't feel like I had broken any bones , and I felt like I was alive . I briefly wondered if I was a ghost , but then I remembered that I had climbed out of the cooler . I was still here , still somehow alive , but also dead . That said , I spent the next few days very confused . Days passed , then weeks , and with each passing day , I began to slowly figure this whole being dead thing out . " I finally summoned the courage to explore this place . At first , it was just this room , looking at all the names and looking through files . Then I ventured out further and further , until I found Lugosi 's office . I walked inside and found a stack of death certificates right there in the open . I looked through them , and found mine with a sticky - note attached . ' Unable to contact family . ' " That was probably the biggest blow of being dead . The funeral home had tried to contact my family , and my folks hadn 't even bothered to call them back . No one came to I . D . my body , no one came to sign my death certificate … they simply didn 't care that I had died . Over time , I think the funeral home forgot I was here , and I 've been in that cooler ever since . " Most people only stay here a week at the most , so the dead people like me , who could walk and talk and stuff , they were never here for very long . They always moved on . I tried to talk to another security guard once ; I could tell he understood me . My instincts were buzzing like crazy . When I walked up to him , he responded worse than you did ; he had a heart attack right in front of me . I accidentally scared the man to death . When they put him in a cooler , he pretended he was full - on dead . I knew he was faking it because when I pulled him out , every once in a while he would peek one of his eyes open to see if I was still around . " Anyway , after a while , I figured out that I couldn 't leave this place or my body would start to rot . As long as I stayed here , I would be fine , more or less as fresh as a rose . I 'll be here until this place burns to the ground , I guess . " " Still , I 'm sorry you had to be alone . This place would drive me nuts if I was here alone . I 'll make sure to come find you whenever I 'm working . I think it 's safe to say we 're buddies now ; I never leave a friend behind . " Kyle smiled a sad smile . " Thanks ; I really appreciate that . It 's been a lonely six years , to be honest . Kinda rough ; it 's nice to have someone here to talk to , even if it 's only when you 're working . " " No , no ; it 's fine . Like I told you yesterday , I don 't really know what happens . I mean , I 'm assuming it 's my soul that is keeping my body alive right now . I don 't know what happens to it after this stage though . I don 't know if there is a heaven or a hell or what ; I have no clue what comes next . It 's all still just as much a mystery to me as it is to you . " " I don 't know , man . I do know this for sure : this ice cream is the BOMB . I didn 't realize how much I missed it . Side note : are people still calling stuff ' the bomb ? ' " Aaron chuckled . " I 'm pretty sure they that phrase was retired long before your untimely demise . Anyway , just make me a list of your favorite foods ; I 'll start bringing some when I work . We 'll have lunch together . It 's a win - win ; I don 't have to hang out in this creepy place by myself all night , and you get to eat all your favorite foods . " For the rest of the night , they compiled a list of foods and local haunts that Kyle wanted to taste again . This took a surprising amount of time , as Aaron soon found out that Kyle was a fan of just about every restaurant in the surrounding area . As Kyle was climbing into his cooler , Aaron called out to him . " Oh ! I almost forgot ! My friend Alicia is doing some research on zombie lore and such ; I told her about you , and she was interested in helping us figure out what is going on . " The Prodigal Posted on February 21 by mrjprice3 The Prodigal walked across the street towards the club . A giant neon sign bathed the sidewalk in purple hues . DHARK was all it said . He chuckled to himself as he approached the door . Appropriately named , this place was by far the darkest place in town . The story went that it used to be an insane asylum back in the day , and the guy who bought it revamped it into the pit of debauchery that it was today . Why The Prodigal had ever walked inside that first night was beyond him , but ever since then , he had been hooked . The two of them shook hands as The Prodigal entered the club , and the doorman slipped two pills into his hand . Once inside , he popped them into his mouth and he swallowed . Maybe this time he would catch the hallucinations . Maybe this time the trip wouldn 't be so rough . Not that he minded too much ; in a strange way , he liked the misery the drug brought to mind . The main dance floor was packed , with couples dancing feverishly to the thumping bass and zipping synth sounds . On several platforms , scantily - clad women danced erotically , surrounded by men throwing money at their feet . Muliti - colored strobe lights flashed all around , seeming to dance with the crowd . The Prodigal made his way to the right , towards the bar . He needed to have a drink in his hand before the drug kicked in . The drug in particular was called R - Squared . It was something they made and distributed at Dhark exclusively . He didn 't know what the intended effect was , but he had suspicions that it intentionally made you think of all the things that made you want to drink . Not a bad business plan for a bar . About ten minutes after taking it , you felt euphoric . On top of the world . But that feeling didn 't last . And it was at this tipping point that The Prodigal now found himself . He took a deep breath . Let the games begin . He walked around the outskirts of the dance floor towards the stairs that led up to the second floor bar . His vision clouded for a moment , and sitting on the stairs in front of him sat a girl . She was in her mid twenties , her head down , and her jet - black hair covering her face . For a moment , he felt frozen ; his heart seemed to stop beating , and he couldn 't breathe . He knew this was just the beginning ; the girl in front of him could not be real , for several years ago , she had died in his arms . This was the drug ; it wasn 't the high that he was addicted to , it was the ability to interact with those he had lost , with his failures , shortcomings , and his regrets . The girl looked up , her hazel eyes glinting and shining in the shifting lights . She stared almost right through him , no emotion showing on her face . They looked at each other silently for a moment before she spoke . His name . A name he had long since forsaken . A name that brought to the forefront of his mind all the ways he had failed in his former life . Named after a king , and he had never lived up to it . He shook the thought from his head . She leaned back on the stairs and ran her hand through her hair . August 's heart fluttered as it always had whenever she did that . It was such a simple , ordinary thing , but to him , it was everything he had loved about her ; she was such a glorious , beautiful , strong woman , and she was completely unaware of it . The Prodigal knew she would never have really said these things to him . This was nothing more than his mind torturing him once more . Maybe this time he could direct the visions . Maybe tonight he could find peace , if he could just find the right words … " Erin … I 'm sorry . If I could go back and keep them from getting to you , I would . If I could take your place , I would . I wish I had been there sooner . " The girl inspected her fingernails . " Well , you were too late . And you let me die . You let them kill me . And then , you didn 't even avenge me . You could have hunted them , you could have obliterated the lot of them , and what did you do instead ? " The Prodigal stepped forward and outstretched his arms to touch her , and the vision faded in a sudden puff of smoke . In a moment , he had forgotten that none of this was real . He wiped his eyes and looked around , making sure no one had seen his display of weakness . He sniffed and ascended the stairs , ready to face the next vision . Upstairs , the music continued to pound , drumming its repetitive patterns into his ears . On the floor , he noticed a figure , mostly hidden by the dancing crowd . For brief seconds , he would catch a glimpse of a middle - aged man watching him , beckoning to him . He knew better than to obey the hallucinations , but he couldn 't help himself . How was he supposed to ignore his own father ? He followed the man across the floor , winding around the second floor , finally stopping by a false window . It was a wall - sized screen , displaying a digital image of some big city from decades ago . Lights flickered on and off , cars whizzed around on the streets , and if you looked closely enough , people milled around on the sidewalks . But it wasn 't real . Then again , neither was the man who had led August to it in the first place . Seeming to not have heard his son , the man continued . " You are a disgrace . You were a Knight of the Order , the pride of this family , at one point . You showed such potential , such promise . Now , you sicken me . You are a waste , less than a shadow of your former glory . I am ashamed to call you my son ; even saying the words puts a sour taste on my tongue . " August hung his head . He had this conversation every night . And every night it went the same way . It was a masochistic satisfaction for him , hearing , or at least thinking he was hearing , his father belittle and destroy him gave him some sick pleasure , like a good kind of pain . It stung , and it made him feel like less than human , but perhaps this was his perdition . This was the hell he must endure for the man he had become . The man laughed dryly . " Do you honestly think that they would have you back ? You , a drug - addicted , alcoholic , waste of life ? You , who begs on the street in the day for enough to eat and get high ? You , who has stooped so low as to lie and steal for your daily fix ? If they had any sense , they would shoot you on sight . You don 't let a sick dog back in the house , you put him out of his misery . " The man 's eyes flared with a hidden fire , his fury visible . " And then some , boy . If it were up to me , you would suffer like in the tales of old . You would be eaten alive every day , renewed every day only to suffer again . " The two of them stood silent for a moment , and just like the girl , the man disappeared in a swirling puff of smoke . The Prodigal looked once more at the screen , wondering what life would have been like in that time . Did those people have lives like his ? Or were they free from these deep - seated demons ? The world was so different back then ; he liked to think that it was a better , more hopeful place . He stumbled back to the bar and ordered another drink . He was definitely not himself . He had ceased to be August of Fyte a long time ago ; the vision of his father was right , he didn 't deserve even the air in his lungs . As he sipped his drink , he looked into a mirror across the bar . The sight disgusted him . " Well , not feeling up for conversation , I see . That 's fine . I think it 's just time to say some of these things out loud . All this stuff that you 're carrying around , all this weight that sits on your mind all the time , there 's a way to get rid of it . And I think you know what that is . " " When you left , you took very few things with you . Two things , actually . Now , why on earth would you bring your guns if you planned on never shooting another person ever again ? " " You never planned on shooting ANOTHER person . You are not another person . You aren 't even really a person anymore . You know how to end this . You know how to make all of this … " The reflection spun in his chair and motioned to the rest of the club , " stop . You know there 's a way to make all of this disappear . Peace is nothing more than a deep breath and a short squeeze away . " August snapped , and threw a punch at his reflection , which promptly disappeared . The motion threw him off balance , and he fell out of his chair , hitting his head hard on the floor . As he drifted out of consciousness , he heard his reflection laugh , and whisper , " Think about it … " Some time later , a girl dressed in leather skins walked up to him and nudged him with her toe . She sighed . " Auggie , what have you done ? " The Mystic knelt down and hefted him over her shoulder . " C ' mon , let 's go home . It 's time you end this crazy little vacation and get back to work . " She carried him down the stairs and out the front door . She knew it would be a hard road to recovery , but in the long run , it was better than the hell he had been living in . The Order had been looking for him for years . The world needed them now . All of them . Including Auggie . It was time for The Prodigal to return to his tribe . The demons that plagued him were nothing compared to the ones that plagued the rest of humanity since his disappearance . El Chupacabra Posted on February 18 by mrjprice3 The next day , the guys went out and tracked down a chupacabra . Now , chupacabras aren 't technically real beings ; what had happened was there was an imp had gotten loose in the living realm . When Aaron and Kyle had found him , he had taken off running , but not before releasing several mythical beasts to throw them off his trail . With the imp and all the other beasts having been captured ( and disposed of , in several cases ) , the only loose end that remained was this chupacabra . " Seriously , Aaron ? You can 't tell me that you wouldn 't feel like a total boss if we rolled up in a black , four - door muscle car , like on that one TV show . Oh ! Or a monster truck ! " " Yeah , buddy , I got it . However , not only are those things not street legal , it pretty much defeats the purpose of working in secret . We might as well advertise what we do for a living . " Aaron sighed . " I 'll look into getting a new vehicle if you promise to drop this whole monster truck idea . And we are NOT advertising . That 's just bad news , man ; people would flip out , and we 'd probably get arrested for the various crimes we have to commit in order to do our jobs . " The two of them hopped out of the car , with Kyle grabbing the hex bag from the back . The hex bag was a burlap sack that had been steeped in incantations in order to make it strong enough to hold most magical creatures . It came in very handy when they were apprehending some of the less - civilized beings that made their way into the human realm . Or , as in this case , creatures that only exist because some mischievous being conjured them as a distractionary technique . The guys walked into the woods , and Aaron pointed his cane into the trees . " Alright , find me my chupacabra , " he said . The crystal ball at the tip began to glow blue , and suddenly a small ball of blue light appeared in front of them . It hovered in the air for a second , before taking off further into the forest . " Let 's get this over with , " Aaron said as the two of them ran after the light . It zigged and zagged through the trees , with the boys following close behind . After several minutes , the light slowed down , and then stopped . When they caught up to it , they found themselves standing on the edge of a small clearing . In the middle of the clearing sat a small bear - like creature , which was picking through the remains of a dead deer . Kyle whistled sharply , and flapped the hex bag . The chupacabra looked up from its meal and began searching for the source of the sound . Kyle whistled again , for a second longer this time . The chupacabra turned their direction , and began sniffing the air . It slowly meandered towards them , stopping ten feet from them . It stood there , sniffing cautiously , looking through the trees for them . " Not yet ; if we can get it into the bag without shooting it , that would be ideal . It may not be a real being , but it 's real enough . I don 't want to be rough with it if we don 't have to be . " Kyle whistled once more , pulling some beef jerky from his pocket . He stepped forward slowly , holding the jerky out in front of him . The chupacabra saw him then , and slowly started walking towards him as well , pausing every few seconds to sniff the air again and look around . Eventually , it walked up close enough to snag the jerky from Kyle 's hand . Kyle reached out and petted its head . " Yes , dear ; just give me a moment to run down to the front room . " Aaron could hear Violet rushing on the other end of the phone . When she spoke again , she was slightly out of breath . Kyle stood up and shook out the hex bag . " Looks like it 's been taken care of . Yet another one bites the dust , my friend . " Kyle laughed . " Yeah , no kidding . I mean , we still have to call for help more than I 'd like to admit , but we always get the job done . " 121 People A Day Posted on February 18 by mrjprice3 No . Shut up and listen for a change . Listen to all the things you were too dense to pick up on , all the things you were too high and mighty to accept , and all the things you were too smart to pay attention to . Because it 's not about being sad . It 's about being fucking broken . It 's about knowing that you are expendable . That no one ever has and never will really need you around . If you were to die right this instant , you would simply be replaced by a better , much more stable person , and they would never even miss you . It 's about knowing that you can never say a god damned word to anyone else about what goes on inside your head because the people you trust are soooo much better than you , that they don 't care about your " existential problems . " That if you aren 't hungry , out of money , or in physical agony , they don 't really care . And the only reason they care when you are any of those things is because it makes them feel better about themselves to think that they were there for you in your " darkest times . " Like they have any idea what your dark times look like . Bitch , I wish I were just hungry . I wish my problems were tangible . You couldn 't handle a tenth of the turmoil I experience on a daily basis , so sit your self - righteous ass down . You have no idea what I 've been through . Do you know what it 's like to attend your mother 's funeral ? Or your father 's funeral ? Or to be beaten to a pulp on a daily basis and made to believe that you deserved it , because you were worthless , and didn 't deserve to live ? Or to watch your best friend get squashed like a bug by a garbage truck ? Or to be abandoned by everyone you cared about because those things messed you up so bad that you woke up screaming from the nightmares and the flashbacks ? I don 't need your pity . It is worthless to me . I don 't even need your understanding . It does nothing for me . What I need is a moment to simply reveal the demons that reside within my soul . For I ceased to be human long ago , and all this darkness that was poured into me has nowhere left to go but outward . I am nothing . Whatever value may have existed has long since been destroyed . I am not a person in the eyes of others . I am a project , some object to be " fixed . " Or I am a lesson , one to be pitied and studied . Or I am a toy , one to be yanked around , because , after all , if I am not a person , why treat me as if I am human ? I have become Frankenstein 's monster , an abhorrent beast , incapable of feeling and undeserving of any decency or respect . I didn 't always think this way . There was a time I considered myself almost human . But my own humanity was snuffed out , beaten down , and crushed , until the only thing left was this shell . This body . There is nothing left inside . So perhaps you are correct ; perhaps I am not worth anything . Perhaps I should just disappear , and stop belaboring those around me with my presence . Perhaps I should cut short my encumbering existence , releasing those bound to me . I am unnecessary , unwanted , and un - fucking - believably messed up . If I have lost everything else , I have not lost my sense of spite . I may have lost my will to live , but I will never lose my desire to stick it to the man . To prove that , regardless of the shit hand I have been dealt , I am still here , and I am a force to be reckoned with . I will never change the world . I will likely drift away , to some other town , state , or country where I am unknown . I will stay there until I come to this point again . And then , I will move on . I have no home , other than the very skin and bones I wear every day . And even then , I do not feel at home within myself . So I wander the globe , looking for some place I can call my own , some place I belong , knowing in my heart of hearts that no such place exists . I am a gypsy , destined to move as the wind , never in one place for very long . Even my thoughts meander with no real purpose , jumping from place to place , unable to settle . Not that this matters to you . In six months , I will have faded far from even the deepest corners of your memory , having been replaced by some new fad or face . THAT ' S what it 's about . At its core , this darkness you call depression is the numbing to all things human . It is the crushing understanding that everything about you is pointless , meaningless , and more than replaceable . I am not sad . I am not feeling " humdrum . " I am destroyed . I am worthless . There is no reason to continue . There is no way out . There are no options . Nothing , in the long run , will ever change . No , their mental state is not your fault . No , their circumstances are not under your control . But maybe have a heart . Maybe don 't be such an asshole all the time . Maybe remember that the world does not revolve around your pompous ass . Maybe remember that the sack of meat that you treat with such utter contempt is a human being . Maybe remember that all it takes is a smile , a greeting , a simple gesture , to make all the difference to someone else . There were studies done a long time ago about the effects of overcrowding on rats . The rats became hostile , depressed , and suicidal . But we are not rats . There may be 7 billion of us , but each of us can do something . Each of us has the potential to save a life , whether we know it or not . So stop being such a dick and just smile at someone . That may be all it takes . |
At last , the home equity loan is paid off , the money for our new kitchen is in the bank and Brad is already working on getting things going . I am so glad I don 't have to deal with THAT bank again for a loan . Mom still has her checking account there and we 'll probably just leave it . Yesterday I picked up the check and went to BECU to deposit it in our new checking account . I needed to have some money for Brad but they only gave me a very small bit , I can have more Monday and then by next Thursday it is all available . I got some temporary checks to use until the proper ones came . Feels so good to have it finally finished . Now it will be about 3 or 4 weeks of camping without a kitchen for a while - we can deal with that . I told Brad if there are times when it is better for me not to be here , just let me know and I will find somewhere to go . We do have lead paint and I know the floor of the basement is asbestos , so that may make a difference . That was my afternoon . My morning was my massage - Debye is so excited about how straight I have become and the amount of the heavy energy in my body that is now gone . I was definitely looking forward to this massage , such a wonderful part of my week . Towards the end of the massage when I was on my back , she was working my tummy and I began to feel a finger on each of my cheeks - at first I thought it was Debye , but she wasn 't that close . I had not felt that before and when we were finished , I asked her about it . She said someone else had come to work on me with her , she sometimes knows when it happens , but often she is focused on what she is doing and isn 't aware . She remembers one session when she was working on me and she could see a bearded man at the head of the table working on me but that was in a different lifetime and the person on the table was a young boy . When she told me that , I had an immediate picture in my mind of the man and the young boy in the room ; she said she thought it was in the 16th century . How cool is that ! I am finding I feel energy coming down through my crown chakra more and more these days . It is happening right now and I am not connecting to Source to call down my God Force energy . Sometimes I am now feeling a bit in my Third Eye and I have always felt so much in my Heart Chakra . She tells me I am becoming more and more aware . I love it , I send thanks and gratitude every time I feel it . Another time we were finished and I was writing her a check while she went to use the bathroom . She came out chuckling because she noticed another thing Spirit had done to let her know of its presence . She put on a new roll and I was the first to use it , then Debye did . She showed me that the top few layers had been pushed to one side - she knew it was straight the last time she went . She says they like to do things like that to let her know they are with her . She says they will pat her hair and she is delighted to have their presence . Today I went to see Mom in the morning - John and his crew are here taking out some stuff in the garden and Brad is meeting with the plumber here in the afternoon while Eddie goes to service his car . I brought some things Mom needed , like toothpaste , body lotion , kleenex and body wash - plus I tucked in 3 cookies for her . She was sitting in her wheel chair at the dining room table and was alert and doing well today . She was pleased with the cookies and we also talked about boats . She said something about seeing a boat go by with ladies ( no clue what she was talking about ) and I talked about the boat parade , our adventures with the Mukilteo hull and the Christmas ship . She remembered some of it and then I mentioned boats in Waterford during summers . Sometimes she talked about things but I couldn 't understand what she was saying , so I agreed with her . I was not sure about publishing the post about my Mom yesterday , it is such a personal thing for her and our family . I often wonder if it is a good idea to publish things so close to me and family - my sisters really are there to help me , I have asked their advice more than once . I get so close to it that it is hard for me to be objective . But I found I slept so well last night that I now realize I needed to express what was inside me . I am still taking it all in , but I am not scared about it - maybe it doesn 't feel real yet . I spoke to her doc on Tuesday afternoon and she wants to send Mom to an oncologist to see what options are available . Fortunately she doesn 't want to invasive and heavy duty stuff for this - she said we are not treating Mom 's breast cancer , we are treating Mom . She doesn 't think Mom would do very well in the hospital for surgery , so I 'm glad she isn 't hung ho for invasive measures . The appointment with the oncologist will probably be in about 2 or 3 weeks . I went to visit her yesterday and took my next door neighbor Delores with me . She and Bob are going to the canal house tomorrow and won 't be around much during the summer . So she brought some rhododendron blossoms to Mom . I was glad to see Mom was doing quite well , I really wasn 't surprised to see her in a wheel chair since her knees have been bothering her . So we had a good visit and I checked in with Judy on Saturday after the biopsy to see how things were going . Apparently Mom didn 't have any trouble with the incision , not even sure she remembers it . I haven 't said anything to Mom about breast cancer - I 'm not sure she would understand . She didn 't ask about results , so I didn 't say anything to her . I am very grateful to ElderPlace and the people there as well as Didi and Judy - I don 't have to do this all by myself . I have received a lot of support and encouragement from my sisters and my husband Ed , what a difference asking for help makes . This whole experience of Mom and her dementia , my broken ankle , finding an adult family home for her , applying for Medicaid , etc . has made me feel more confident and competent to deal with major things occurring . Adding to this is the letting go of all the negative programs and deciding to be who I am whatever anyone one says has also helped . I feel different , though I can 't really be specific ; just a difference . We went to pick up the check this morning , but realized it is tomorrow . Eddie wasn 't going to the archives this morning and decided not to go to the aviation conference , so he came to Breakfast Club with me . I was doing the 5 minute - I am now finding I concentrate on what I am doing and not wondering what Eddie is thinking of what I am doing . I think he sees a different me when he comes to Breakfast Club . Not a bad thing . We have put the remodel in motion , I will be getting the check for Brad to start buying materials . He is going to get a head start so that when the plumber and electrician start on the 10th , he will have done the demolition , put in a new back door and work on the pocket door . Brad is going to start doing that on the 3rd . It doesn 't quite seem real yet , but with check in hand it will . I am looking forward to my massage tomorrow morning and another good night 's sleep tonight . There is so much going on inside me , yet I can 't really describe it in detail . It just is . I have to admit , I don 't really like feeling I am running from thing to another , but the week was like that . Thursday was my massage and I was truly looking forward to it - especially after Wednesday . I was feeling a bit down and tired of all the stuff I have continued to carry around all these years . Debye told me all I have to do is let go - not sure I knew how to do it . So I set an intention of completely letting go and clearing all the programs and beliefs , all the things I was told I had to be and release them . What really surprised me was that I began to feel lighter after the sessions and it has continued since Thursday ; I can 't really remember what all that stuff was and I have no desire to bring them back . I began to realize that my authentic self didn 't fit with parents , friends and others - I had to suppress her because I believed there was something wrong . But I am long past deciding I have to live according to what someone else says is " proper " . If someone is not happy with me as I really am , it is their stuff , not mine . Imagine if I had been able to be this way decades ago , things certainly would have been different . However , I suspect I wouldn 't have been ready for it until now . What a difference after my massage ! I also knew that the biopsy on Friday would be more difficult , so I did the " show up and get out of the way " again . I received a call from the mortgage company , we could go in and sign the papers , wait 3 days to give us time if we decide to rescind it and it would go through . Eddie had taken Friday off to service his car but he had to postpone because of the closing and I was going with Mom after that . Friday was Happy Dance ! We went in and signed a whole lot of papers and were given copies for our records . I was surprised how calm and peaceful I felt ; usually I am scared when we have signed a lease or bought house - I wonder if I can live up to the terms . Strangely , I didn 't feel that way on Friday , in some ways it was a relief to finally have it closed . it has taken 6 months , once we stopped it while I dealt with Medicaid for Mom and then Fannie Mae decided there was a glitch so we had to wait a month . Now everyone has agreed we can go forward . I called our contractor to get things in motion . Then I had to go over to Mom 's to be there for the ride over as well as the biopsy . She definitely didn 't understand what was happening , so it was a good thing I went with her in the cabulance . It was interesting because the driver was Andre , he had picked us up in the afternoon on Wednesday . I told him I was so tired on Wednesday I didn 't feel like talking , so we had a lovely conversation on the way to Swedish . Mom was confused and didn 't really remember the friendly techs , but it worked out . I wasn 't sure how she was going to deal with the biopsy - I 've had to have it done so I knew what it would be . The biggest thing was for her to hold still and keep her arm up - she did do that but not without protest and some angry ( but in a very ladylike way ) words for the doc . They were going to take 2 samples , and after the second one she told them not to do it any more . I was on the other side of the bed talking to her and just being a calming influence . It was not easy for her - not so great for me either . It is one thing to be the one having it done , it is entirely different when it is happening to someone I love . I was so glad it was finished . We did the same Tri - Med route Friday too - though by the time I got home it was after 5 . 00 . When the Tri - Med driver arrived , it was Jean Pierre . He had taken me to an appointment with my surgeon . When I mentioned the other man in a wheelchair with his leg straight , he remembered . the man was in the front and I was in the back . so they had to put his foot between the two front seats and his wife rode in front . We had a lovely talk on the way back , at times Mom was sleeping - she had been through a lot the past two days . I gave Didi the instruction for her small incision and also the 2 ice packs for her to use . I am so glad Didi is a R . N . because I knew she was in good hands with Didi . It was so nice to arrive home to Eddie and the lovely roast chicken in the oven . Man , I was beat . They will have the results next week , then decide what to do . I hope there is more than one option . I just had a call from Dr . Rosen who did the biopsy - it is cancer . They are checking to see if it is estrogen related or not and all the results will be sent to Dr . Myre . I just called and left a message for Brenda to find out if I need to meet with the doc alone or with Mom . Dr . Rosen also let the True Center know and they will be calling me for an appointment with a surgeon . I want to check with Dr . Myre first to see what she suggests . I don 't want to have a lot of invasive procedures but I also want the best for Mom . I didn 't really think I would have to make these decisions . Last week was a crazy time for me . I wrote yesterday about the week before - last week had its own ups and downs - who knows what this week will bring . Monday I check my Soul Card reading and found these 2 cards : " Notice repetitious signs and your inner guidance , as this can yield valuable information . It 's not your imagination that Heaven is sending you signs and Divine guidance . Anytime you hear something three or more times , especially within a short amount of time period , it 's information worthy of your attention . " I have been noticing my higher self coming through more - I am not listening to ego quite as much and when she comes out , I thank her and tell her I choose something else . I feel there is something coming , not sure exactly what but it feels like something wonderful . I am rather impatient to find out what it is , the time for it is coming soon . I am amazed at how the cards reflect what is happening in my life . Always a good start to the week . I had my appointment with Dr . Cheryl for my adjustment - she has really helped my shoulder and neck so much . I was having some problem with my neck and she made such a difference , I could feel as if there were knots and she did a great job . It is amazing how she can give a wonderful back and neck rub while adjusting and aligning . I had the rest of the day to myself , so I came home and had some lunch before having a lie down . I find myself yawning and tired when I am finished with the adjustment . I wanted to write a post since I hadn 't for a bit , but the nap turned out to be the best thing for me at that moment . Tuesday turned out to be MY day - the one I missed the week before because of the computer . I slept for as long as I wanted , had a long hot shower - except it now isn 't quite as hot . This has been frustrating because it comes and goes , so I know something isn 't right . Eddie doesn 't seem to notice but I certainly do . There are times when I wondered if I was going nuts . Anyway , I just decided to do or not do whatever I felt like doing - nothing HAD to be done , just whatever came up for me . How lovely the day was for me . Wednesday was Breakfast Club and I talked to John the plumber about the hot water - he was at home Tuesday and if I had called , he would have come . So we arranged for Friday morning . Then I had to leave because I needed to be at Mom 's before 9 : 45 . She had an appointment to have a mammogram , as far as I know , the first one she has had . When we enrolled her in the ElderPlace program , they did a physical . There was a lump and they have been keeping an eye on it the past few months . It had gotten bigger so they decided to do the mammogram . I will admit to feeling very stressed about it , how she would do , how cooperative , etc . Then I decided I was looking at it in the negative , so I asked the Universe to create the solution with all the words , attitudes , actions , etc . and I would just show up and get out of the way . I will admit I was somewhat tense when I went , especially because she wasn 't sure what it was all about . The Tri - Med cabulance came and she ended up going to sleep on the way downtown . I decided to do the cabulance was to be there for Mom all the way as well as be a calming influence for her rather than just meet her at the office . All of the techs were really great , very helpful and friendly , very gentle with Mom . She wasn 't all that pleased about any of it , especially when it came to being the filling in a the sandwich . They had trouble with the side shots - by then she had had enough . So we went to another room so they could do an ultrasound . They told me they didn 't think it was benign , so they wanted her back for a biopsy . The appointment was made for Friday afternoon . Tri - Med came back and she slept most of the way back to her house . I was glad to get back in time for Eddie and me to go to our appointment at Apple . I fixed up my computer for the box in the morning and Eddie was going to put it together for me . He needed to learn to use it and I needed help with mine as well . We ended up changing techs in mid stream so we both learned a lot . I haven 't posted much lately , somehow Life happens while I am working on a post . I will say it took me a while to put together the post for Candy 's pictures - it was very hard to choose which ones to add . I have written about Monday and Tuesday two weeks ago - by Wednesday I was worn out from thinking about it all . Thinking about may not have been the smartest thing to do , but I know I tend to over analyze things , a habit I am working on to be in a more positive way . Wednesday I felt better after a good night 's sleep . I began to realize there was no feeling of satisfaction from yelling back at the guy - I thought I would feel I had been able to stand up for myself . Looks as if I have changed more than I had realized . Instead of satisfaction , it felt very uncomfortable and pointless . I wanted to be right and it looks as though he was more determined to be right . Besides , do I want to be right or happy ? I am hearing higher self 's voice more now rather than ego 's . I went to see Dr . Cheryl for my adjustment and she told me something that changed my perspective . In Aikido , they use momentum rather than brute force . If someone comes at you , instead of standing your ground and meeting it face on , they use the momentum of the person coming at you to deflect in another direction . It is one of those times when I have a general idea of what she means but not really a specific , real life example to make it more clear . I need to read about it so I can understand it better ; to come to the " I know that I know " point . In the afternoon we went to see Tom , our mortgage broker - to sign some papers - he usually has a thick pile for us . Then we had to wait for a closing date . Progress comes slowly on some things . Thursday I was due to meet a new friend from Linked In - she went to Burnley about the time I did . We were going to meet at 10 , then there was an appointment made for that time for Mom to be fitted for new shoes . So I asked Chris if she would mind changing to 11 : 30 or noon . That was fine with her . So I met Mom up at the Center so Scott could measure her feet . The shoes she is wearing are too tight for her because she has so much swelling in her ankles and feet . She sits most of the time and won 't put her feet up to drain the excess fluid , so we are hoping the new shoes will adjust to the amount of fluid . She was not all that anxious to have her feet measured or have new shoes - the old Yankee New Englander thrift coming out . It all worked out well and I was able to meet Chris for lunch in plenty of time . We talked about Burnley and she brought her portfolio with her . She has her own , rather whimsical style I like . Reminds me of fairies ad wood sprites . She brought me a card with one of her designs as a gift . she knew the instructors much better than I did , plus she is a working artist , chef and I don 't know what else . We laughed and had a great time , then she had to leave because she cooks for an Indian family and she had to go home and start preparing things to take over to their house . We definitely decided to meet again , she suggested going to her house and she will cook . So that will be fun . I was delighted to have my massage Friday morning - that time I didn 't say a whole lot and really enjoyed the massage . it felt like a very stressful week , though I was in a lot better frame of mind at the end of the week . We went to visit Mom on Saturday morning to wish her a Happy Mother 's Day with some flowers and chocolate . We only take a little bit now because she is so aware of it being there and she can 't go to sleep until she has eaten it all . I have been bringing 3 cookies for her at a time , otherwise she would devour the whole box . We went on Saturday because Eddie had to work on Mother 's Day at the Future of Flight . I went with him and wandered around a bit , then called my friend Charlotte around 2 . I wasn 't sure what she was doing because in the past she and her husband would go to church and then visit with their son and his wife and kids . Things are at sixes and sevens right now so I took a chance . She was delighted to hear from me , she said Ron was in bed with bronchitis and she was out doing a couple of things . So we met at a Hancock Fabrics to visit for an hour or so . I was sorry it was short , but I needed to be back at the Future of Flight when Eddie was ready to leave . I had the car so he wasn 't going anywhere without me . It had been a good day and we were both tired . It didn 't start to rain until we were leaving for home . Ain 't that the way of it ? The end to a stressful week but I realize as time goes by , I am realizing how much I am growing and learning . Some times it is uncomfortable , sometimes it is really cool . I decided my other sister Candy would have equal time with her photos . She has been living in Nashville quite a while , she went down there for her song writing . She has written songs herself and partnered with other song writers - it was the heyday of Music Ro and many , many publishers . Well , like the book publishing world , the music world had the bottom drop out and things are very different now . That gives us an idea of Nashville and Vanderbilt University , and some of the things Candy has been doing while she has been there . She has many things going on and has a book that is in the process with a new publisher - not only new to her but also new period . I am looking forward to hearing how that is going and what will happen next for her . Tuesday I was feeling down when I went to see my rheumatologist and have my infusion . I had good news , my blood work shows the sed rate and inflammation was down a bit - she said it would take about 3 - 6 months to really see the difference . I also said I was feeling a bit better , nowhere specific , just a general feeling better . She is quite pleased . She wants me to do a bone density scan when I see her in four weeks - so I do the scan , see her since she will have the results and then do my infusion . Another doctor day . It had been cloudy all morning , so it felt good to see a bit of the sun . I went over to see Mom when I was done at the Polyclinic to see her . I parked the car across the street , a bit on the grass , and the next thing I know , there 's a guy yelling at me to get off the grass - not just once or twice but many times - ranting in between . I was stunned by such unexpected shouting . I had not even had a chance to move in the car and I suddenly felt caught up in a childhood program . I am sick to death of being told what to do and there was a stubborn streak coming out in me . I moved the car not to where he told to , but against the fence of Mom 's house - a little passive aggressive mode . I felt powerless in that moment . I went in to see Mom and found she was sound asleep - for whatever reason , she didn 't sleep the night before and was making up for it , so I didn 't wake her . I told Didi what happened outside and she said he has a major alcohol problem and is like that with everyone . I wished I had had a comeback at the moment , I only thought of it when I was near the house . I told Didi I wished I had said " Blow it out your ear , a * * hole ! " but couldn 't think of it . She said he needs to be told that . What I did was as I left , I went by his car , rolled down the window and told him " Don 't you ever speak that way to me again ! " . He was ranting again and I told him to blow it out his ear and then I left . I realized he had a louder voice than I do , so I was not going to get the upper hand - I wanted that so much . As I drove away I found myself very upset and wanting to cry , I didn 't like the way I felt or behaved , that 's not how I want my being . I thought about it all the way home and realized ego was in there with her two cents , wanting the upper hand and being right . Well , Dr . Phil often asks people " Do you want to be right or happy ? " . I know she is protecting me and wanting to keep me safe - now I realized I needed to thank her for her care and tell her I choose something else . There was so much churning around in my mind and as a result , in my body as well . This is not the way I am becoming , it would have better for me to have sat in the car to center and ground myself and release the negative energy before going to see Mom . I brought that negative energy into the house and I have kept it in my body as well . I am beginning to realize what was happening - after the fact - and recognizing the programs and reactions that have been so automatic . I haven 't been very good company lately , such familiar programs and reactions but only recognizing them better and better . I have not done much of anything to change the situation and my response to it . I am definitely a work in progress as I continue to notice programs coming up and thank ego for sharing but I choose something else . I have been debating whether to publish this or not - there has certainly been something pushing me to write it out , that 's for sure . Does anyone really want to read about the past three days and the turmoil I have been feeling ? I decided to start with Monday because that was about the start of it and it has been uncomfortable up until today ( Wednesday ) . Not sure if there is a happy ending or just an ending . We have been having sunny warm weather in the 80 's and Monday was to be the warmest day . My calendar showed a free day so I decided this was going to be MY day , to do or not do whatever I felt like doing . I checked my Monday Morning Soul Card Reading and found this : " This card signifies that your Soul is crying for more freedom , especially as it involves your life purpose . Walk away from restrictions and be free ! Perhaps it 's time to take a break so that you can think clearly about your desires and available options . " Surrender . Relinquish control and allow Spirit to take over . You don 't need to do everything yourself . All is well . It is time to release any limiting patterns , emotional attachments , or inner and outer clutter . Surrendering doesn 't mean you 're yielding to a force outside of yourself . It means you 're allowing your Soul to take over . " Unfortunately it was not to be - Eddie got another Dept . of Justice virus demanding $ 300 within 48 and they would unlock his computer . If not , he would be prosecuted . No doubt a lot of other people have had this come up for them . this time we knew it was a scam , but I couldn 't get it to start in Safe Mode so I could do a system restore . I called Larry and he said it would be very expensive to fix it , though he sent me a site that has ways to do it . Unfortunately they all seem to have it go into Safe Mode - something I couldn 't get to . So I called Jon Palms from Breakfast Club , he is the computer guy in our club at the moment and others have been pleased with his work . So I called him and when he wasn 't able to help me over the phone , he came over to fix it . It took awhile but he found several viruses and took them all off as well as the DOJ one . then ran a deep scan which found 2 items to be removed . Now it is working properly . There is always a chance it will happen again so now Eddie is willing to look at a Mac laptop since there are fewer problems with viruses . He thinks they are too expensive , but I reminded him how much money we have spent fixing all the problems he has had with it . By the time Jon left , it was almost 2 - there went my day to myself . It really began to bug me because this happens quite often , it is my life that is put on hold , postponed or cancelled because Eddie or Mom needs something done . I am fed up with it . I said it to Eddie when he called the last time , he told me he owes me big time - you bet your a * * you do ! I was upset about it and in many ways fell into feeling sorry for myself and thinking of myself as a victim . It certainly was a familiar feeling , I have spent a lot of my life that way . After awhile , I began to think " I have been down this road so many times before but didn 't do anything about it " I then heard my higher self speaking , asking what I am going to do , this day has been a wake up call to begin doing what I enjoy , what I want learn and explore . I was still feeling a bit upset and didn 't say much that evening . My sister Ellen lives in Ocean Grove , N . J . and we were so grateful they did so well in Sandy , snowstorms , nor ' easter and hurricanes . I will admit to being very concerned , the worst that happened to them was no electricity for several days . Because she lives there , she has been taking pictures of the water , the town and flowers as they bloom . She recently sent a picture of her front yard , she has a green thumb . Ocean Grove is a pretty town , I visited Ellen on a trip to see people at my head office in N . J . and was glad to have some time to spend with Ellen and see where she lives . I so appreciate her pictures of the ocean - I am a water lover - as well as showing different parts of town . I would like to go back and see it again and spend time with Ellen . I seem to spend more time reading and commenting on other people 's blogs than I do writing my own . However , I have found some wonderful blogs and delightful people behind them . I so appreciate them and the 41 Followers I have now . WOW ! To me that is so cool and amazing . When I comment on other blogs , I learn about other people and check them out . I have also had people Like my posts and that is how I find them . What a fascinating place the world of blogs has been . When I first started , I wondered if anyone would be interested in reading about RA . There were people who also were interested in my Mom 's dementia , plus my every day subjects as well as metaphysical ones . I am so pleased to have 41 Followers , I so appreciate each and every one of them , as well as all the ones who have liked by blog posts . Some are in very interesting places and I have learned a lot about things and places I didn 't know anything about . When there are pictures posted , it really brings it home to me . Thank You all , it means the world to me . It has also helped me cope with things , and when I write about dementia , I receive comments that help , support and uplift me . As all the people who dealt with know , it is not easy and having people who have been through it say they understand , I know they do . That helps so much as well . There are so many lovely people out there . I am following blogs as well , some subjects I have no knowledge or experience with it . But although the situation is different , I have come to think over the years that there are some basic things we all share in living with and through a difficult situation . There is something therapeutic about writing down what is happening as well as thoughts and feelings . I find it helps clear it out for a while and I can see more objectively . A good cry also helps as well as throwing a tantrum . It is hard for me to throw a tantrum , I don 't have any experience because my parents were not willing to allow tantrums . Even a good cry is harder than it used to be - for some reason I know feel there is someone standing next to me watching their watch . It is as if there is a time limit and if I don 't get on the ball and start crying , time will be up for me . Where this came from I have no idea , but it does put a damper on things . Even better , publishing a post that is real , in many ways helps other people . I 've learned since my speaker days at the Connecticut Chapter of the Arthritis Foundation that I didn 't often know when I gave the basic facts ( along with my own stories ) who was being helped . Sometimes I would have someone come up and tell me and that was always gratifying . I often thought , it isn 't necessary to always know when I helped , otherwise I might get a swelled head ( childhood program ) and my attitude would change and be all about me . Then whatever it was that was working , wouldn 't any more . I liked getting the feedback , I knew the more I just put it in the hands of the Universe and I just showed up and got out of the way , the message would go to who needed it . I do my best to go on about my business and trust I am helping others . There are days when I want to write a post and can 't think of anything . Other days I have several ideas and don 't have time to write any of them down . Or if I written them down , when I go back to it , I can 't remember why I wrote it in the first place . Usually I can 't find the list because I have " put it away safely so I wouldn 't lose it " . There is a lot of that going around . I remember one day I was somewhere and I thought of questions to ask myself - I was smart enough to put it in the back of my pocket calendar . I have looked at it several times and wondered if anyone would really care . So I have it and and I 'm still undecided . I still find myself comparing my blog to others and feel it is lacking ( more childhood programs ) , the other blogs are better . I am now better at catching myself when that happens , though some still slip by me . It seems it has taken a long time for me to be aware - living in this time period there are so many more people , classes , etc . to help with all of it . So much to learn , so much to explore . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
A kind of hell that would haunt her forever . But now she 's put her past behind her - or so she thought . Garret Hensley never imagined he 'd be chasing the killer of the woman who 'd set him on the path of law enforcement . She 'd given him reason to believe in himself , to believe he could make a difference . And he suspected her giving heart was the reason her life had been cut so short . When the evidence leads him to Ashley Walker , he knows he has to ignore the feelings she stirs in him , because getting her to reveal the truth of her past is the key to finding a killer . Ashley Walker looked out over the surface of the lake to where her siblings floated on inner tubes , a slow smile spreading on her face . She pressed her feet to the sun - warmed wood of the dock and let the heat soak into her skin . The day was perfect . Emma was two beats away from pushing Sam to his limit with her nagging , but that was a fairly normal state of affairs . Emma micromanaged . That 's who she was . For the most part , all of the Walker siblings tuned her out when she got this way . " I 'm just saying , you could have handled it better . " Emma 's tone said there wasn 't any " just saying " about it . She flat - out thought she was right and she planned to make sure Sam knew it . Sam growled at her . When push came to shove , he 'd defend any of them to the end , but Emma walked all over his last nerve , then followed that up with a tap dance . " Carrie Ann knew damned well walking in that I wasn 't looking for a relationship . It 's not my problem she got buyer 's remorse afterward . If she didn 't want a one - night stand , she should have walked away the ten or so times I gave her the chance . " " She 's your secretary ! " The indignation in Emma 's voice carried clear across the water . Their other brother , Nathan , was busy working his inner tube behind Sam , whose head lolled back , eyes closed as he appeared to relax in the sun , despite the argument with Emma . No doubt that was egging Emma on even more . She hated nothing more than being ignored . Sam didn 't answer , and Ashley had to agree with Emma a little . Sleeping with his secretary had been a boneheaded move . The woman clearly had I want marriage and a family stamped on her forehead , and now Sam had to work with her every day . But men were idiots . That was nothing new . Ashley watched Nathan paddle , and knew he planned to dunk Sam . Nathan was the youngest of them all at twenty - two , and still the clown of the family . He also couldn 't help trying to defuse the argument . But he was underestimating Sam . Ashley knew better . Just because his eyes were closed didn 't mean you could take Sam out . You had to wait until that man was dead to the world asleep before trying a stunt like that . She pressed her lips together , biting them to keep from laughing as she watched Sam 's lips twitch the tiniest bit at the edges . Nathan paddled closer , using only the smallest movements of his hands to creep up on Sam . Emma seemed oblivious to Nathan 's actions . Sam turned suddenly and dove onto Nathan 's tube , taking them both under the water together , and drenching Emma with the resulting splash . Her sister Cora had been smart enough to paddle slightly upstream to get herself out of the way . Ashley knew she was the smartest of them all for not going into the water with the boys to begin with . She looked down at her tablet 's screen and smiled . In truth , she had other reasons for not joining in the fun today . She had her own party going on online and didn 't want to miss a second of it . The cover of her latest book looked so good , she wanted to cry . Her cover artist had nailed it - from the colors , to the fonts , to the picture of the couple , to the size of her pen name . The bulging biceps of the male model encircled the woman protectively , but she was no mouse . She held a gun comfortably by her side as if it were an extension of her body , perfectly representing the heroine Ashley had penned . She never authored a heroine who was content to simply sit back and let the hero do all the fighting . And in her latest book , the heroine was every bit as well - trained and tough as the hero . Cora was the only one who knew that Ashley was the person behind the pen name Leigh Dare . She hadn 't really planned to keep the secret from her family and friends for so long . At first , when she 'd decided to self - publish romantic suspense novels , she 'd been afraid the books wouldn 't sell . That she 'd be a failure . So it had seemed like a good idea to let that failure be a private thing . And then , when her books had taken off , she 'd been so stunned , she hadn 't known what to do . Cora , of course , had figured it out . Cora was as avid a reader of romance novels as Ashley was . She 'd read the books and spotted several phrases Ashley regularly used , and she 'd figured it out by the third book . Watching hundreds of people congratulate her on the Leigh Dare Facebook page on her release day was still a dream . It still shocked her that anyone wanted to read her books . The fact that they loved them enough to contact her was unbelievable . Then , as people read the book , they posted their favorite quotes , or came on to tell her they loved it so far . A few people had begun to tweet the links to their reviews . And those reviews raved about her latest hero and heroine . They loved the way Aiden Kane and Alexa Mayer played off one another . The way the sexual tension built until it exploded as they raced across the country , desperately trying to figure out who was trying to sabotage Dalton Chemical 's latest research project . Cora laughed . " Of course they do . The series is a huge hit , Ash . You 're really good . Freakishly good , as a matter of fact , " she said , pushing her feet lazily against the dock so that her tube bounced back and forth on the water . Ashley grinned . " I am , aren 't I ? " She could say that to her sister because Cora was one of the few people who knew Ashley really wasn 't as arrogant as her previous statement made her sound . Cora knew Ashley on a level no one else did . And she knew Ashley was incredibly humbled by her success in this new arena . Humbled and grateful beyond words , so she chose to go the tactless joke route instead . Ashley 's phone rang and she glanced at the screen before putting it back down . When Cora gave her that raised brow look that said fess up , Ashley rolled her eyes . They 'd always had a weird ability to communicate , even though they weren 't related by blood . When Ashley had first come to the Walkers as a foster child , she 'd hated Cora . Resented her . In fact , at one time or another , all of the Walker children had been so at odds , no one would have thought they 'd ever be as happy as they were now . " It 's Alice , " she mumbled . Mumbling was not at all like Ashley . She spoke loud and clear and put out whatever she was feeling or thinking for the world 's consumption . Without hesitation . Without censorship . But the recent calls from her former social worker , Alice Johnson - three of them in just as many days - made her want to close in on herself . Ashley pressed her lips together and nodded . " I just don 't want to revisit it this year , you know ? She hasn 't called the past few years , so I 'm not entirely sure that 's why she 's calling now , but I just , well , you know . " Cora did know . None of the Walker kids wanted to be reminded of the reasons they had become Walkers in the first place . Their pasts weren 't fun , by any means . But they were all happy to be Walkers now . Theirs was a family truly built on love . Blood , sweat , tears , and love . They celebrated that , having moved past their backgrounds , for the most part . But sometimes their former social workers thought about them around their " anniversary dates " and got in touch . Ashley was fairly sure they didn 't even do it consciously . They wouldn 't ever seek to hurt the kids they 'd helped . But as much as they were all grateful to the people who had helped them get out of the situations they 'd been in , they weren 't eager to revisit those times . Ashley laughed , with a glance to her siblings to be sure they were far enough away they didn 't overhear Cora . " Yeah , maybe you 're right . It 's probably not related to my anniversary date at all . I 'll call her , " she said , dismissing the alert on her phone that told her she had a new voicemail . " But not until we get back . I just want to relax for now . " She grabbed the reading glasses that sat near her Kindle - this pair hot pink with white temples - and shoved her feet back into her flip - flops . She stood and shaded her eyes , looking down at Cora , who still bobbed on the gentle waters of the lake . Emma and Sam still fought in the background , and she could hear Nathan joking around , trying to distract the pair . " It 's my turn to cook , " she said as she looked toward the lake house that was her family 's vacation home . It was only twenty minutes away from their home in Evers , Texas , and it was more a rustic cabin than lake house , with a kitchen , open common room , and two bedrooms , but it was all theirs . Their parents had the master bedroom and all five kids still bunked in the other bedroom , drawing straws over the two sets of bunk beds and one full bed that took up the entire floor space of the room . It wasn 't anything to brag about , but it was a treasured family haven . " Foil meals , " Ashley answered with a grin . She was the only one in her family who still stuck to the two meals she 'd learned how to make as a teen . Everyone else had managed to add to their repertoire , but she loved the comfort of the meals her mom had taught her to make . They were camping staples , and to her , camping staples were what their time at the lake house called for . Cora laughed and shoved off from the dock to rejoin the rest of their family floating several yards away . Ashley waved to the group and then headed up to the kitchen to start cooking . With any luck , her mom would be there and they could chat while Ashley got dinner going . Besides , her mom made a much better salad than Ashley did . Her siblings would be happier with dinner if her mom had a hand in it . Garret Hensley walked into the station house and tossed his gym bag onto the warped surface of his desk . The place didn 't exactly scream modern , and lately , he 'd felt a bit like his body was going the way of the station house . He kept in shape , so it wasn 't so much that as it was the lack of stimulation . The lack of anything other than work in his life . It wasn 't like he got out much or socialized with anyone who didn 't wear a badge or work in a crime lab . People who didn 't know the smell of a dead body or what it was like to chase down a junkie intent on slipping from your grasp . That hadn 't bothered him much in the past , but lately , he 'd begun to notice . Hensley had been one of six detective sergeants in the Branson Falls Criminal Investigations Division for five years . He loved the work , but his life was stagnant - empty , somehow . And for some unknown reason , he felt a hell of a lot older than his thirty - three years . He ran a hand down his face and looked around the bullpen at the desks of the other detectives and the two animal services officers who also shared the space . They all had the look of people who 'd been overworked and underpaid for far too long . Of men and women who 'd spent a few too many hours inside . Well , that wasn 't entirely true . The animal services officers had tans . At least he had kept his physique , Garret thought as he eyed the guts forming on the frames of two of the men taking up space at the desks across from him . He hit the gym or ran every morning without fail . He wouldn 't give in to the temptation to place his sleep over his physical fitness . Not when he 'd had to give up healthy eating due to the demands of a job that had him dining from a takeout bag at the drive - through more often than not . The least he could do each day was run the calories off , even when the job kept his sleeping hours to a minimum . There was a needling thought at the back of his mind that his life needed to change , but he pushed it aside . He 'd been doing this a long time . It was what he knew . The detectives of the CID covered crimes , from robbery , assault , up to homicide for Branson Falls and the surrounding towns for miles . They often had to drive an hour or more to investigate crimes on limited resources and a shoestring budget . It wasn 't a job someone did for money or luxuries . In fact , Garret wasn 't entirely sure why he did the job anymore . But that thought would have to wait . His captain stood in the doorway to his office , and barked , " Hensley ! " His standard call to action when they 'd caught a case . Garret 's partner , Doug Mann , wasn 't in the bullpen yet . He 'd get the info from the captain , then rustle up Doug and head out . Knowing Doug , the older man was probably in the can with his morning paper . Doug was pretty committed to his morning ritual . Another thing Garret was purposefully ignoring was Doug 's upcoming retirement . In six months he 'd be breaking in a new partner and saying goodbye to the man who 'd had his back in more ways than he could count for years . Garret was glad Sharp hadn 't looked up . He didn 't catch the way Garret 's body swayed at his words . A homicide at the apartment building where Garret grew up . The building where Alice Johnson - a woman who was more mother to him than his own had ever been - lived . He put a hand on the back of the chair in front of the desk and gripped it . Hard . " Got a number ? " Please not 207 . Please God . Even to know she was close to violence like that would be too much . But if it were her … No , that he couldn 't handle . God , please , no . Please . His hands gripped , squeezing the crap out of the back of the chair in an effort to - well , he didn 't know what . To ward off the blow ? How could he possibly do that ? There was no way to ward off what was coming . " Don 't you put that there , Evie . I told you , you keep your things in your room . Bill doesn 't want to look at your pictures . " Evie nodded at her mom and took the picture she 'd drawn in school that day off the refrigerator . She looked at the colors she 'd chosen again before folding it up and tucking it into her backpack . The cabin she and her mom had stayed in wasn 't purple , but she 'd drawn it that way anyway . Purple was better than brown . And she 'd put bright pink flowers around the outside of the cabin , even though those didn 't really exist either . Her version had a roof , too . One without holes . Her mom kept talking as she fussed at some papers on the kitchen table , shoving them into a folder like the ones Evie 's teacher used at school . Maybe her mother was going to be a teacher . She 'd never seen her with a folder like that before . That would be exciting . Her mother had worked jobs here and there , but never something as fun as being a teacher . Evie nodded . The smell of something good cooking made her stomach rumble , but she didn 't think her mother was going to give her any of it . She cooked for Bill , but that 's because her mom wanted that ring on her finger . Evie didn 't really know what that meant . If she wanted a ring so bad , maybe she should just go out and get a ring . But her mother seemed to want Bill 's ring . That ring must be special . At the sound of a car in the driveway , Evie grabbed her sandwich and her backpack and left the room before her mother could chase her out . She went to her bedroom and shut the door , but the thin wood wasn 't enough to keep the voices out . Bill was loud when he talked . " No , baby . It wasn 't expensive , I promise . There was a sale on the steaks and I used coupons . You sit , baby , and I 'll get your plate ready . " Her mother was using that weird , wispy voice she used when she talked to a man . Evie put her sandwich on her nightstand and dug out the apple she 'd gotten at school today . Her teacher brought Evie two pieces of fruit every day . One to eat at lunch and one for dinner . A plate clattered on the table downstairs , as though dropped instead of placed . Evie cover her ears against the sound of Bill 's taunting words as plates clattered and her mother 's wispy words floated out of the kitchen . The scrape of a chair . " Get under the table , and make it up to me . " Bill laughed and Evie wondered what was under the table that could help her mother make anything up to Bill . And why was that funny to him ? She tried not to listen , although she didn 't really know why . There was always something in Bill 's voice that scared Evie . She never minded that her mother didn 't want her near him . She wished they could go back to it just being the two of them . Her mother wasn 't any nicer when they were living in the old car they 'd once had , or staying out at the cabin , but at least it was just the two of them . She didn 't have to wonder if Bill would come home and throw things and yell . Her mother 's voice was muffled now but she still crooned in that weird voice . Then there was a bump as though something was hitting the underside of the table and Bill 's laughter came up the stairs . Evie took her apple and her sandwich and crawled into the closet , shutting the door . It was dark in there and that wasn 't fun , but it blocked the sound better . She almost couldn 't hear his laughter in here . It wasn 't happy laughter , somehow . It was mean . Evie didn 't understand it . Why laugh if you 're not happy ? " Thank you , Haddie ! Try to behave yourself over there , " Ashley called across the main room of the Evers Public Library . As the librarian , one would think she would encourage quiet whispers rather than friendly hollers across the room , but that hadn 't ever been her style . Her library was a place for people to gather and chat , visit , and even - gasp - hum as they perused the shelves for a new read . If they wanted quiet , they could use the reading room in the back . She 'd even instituted a monthly teen dance party in the library , despite the objections of the more traditional town leaders . On the third Friday of every month , the lights were dimmed over the stacks , the music came on , and the town 's teens could dance and party in a safe environment . When she was able to show that library usage had increased as a result , everyone in town had not only been on board , some even tried to claim credit for the idea . Ashley didn 't much care who took credit . She just wanted people to feel welcome . To see the library as the sanctuary she always felt it was . Growing up , no matter what foster home she was in , Ashley had always been able to find solace in the town library . She 'd learned early on that she just needed proof of residency and she could get a card . And getting that card meant losing herself in a world of fantasy and make - believe . A world where anything was possible . A world where none of the realities of her life could touch her . Hadeline Gertrude Gillman , otherwise known as Haddie , waved a hand in reply and gave a little " whoop - whoop " as she went out the front door with Sheriff John Davies on her arm . The action drew a laugh and headshake from Ashley . She wasn 't entirely sure of Haddie 's age , but the white hair with a pink tinge to it and the frail frame hinted at eighty - something . After volunteering in the library each morning , she would head on over to the senior center for a few hours . Today it was John 's turn to escort the older woman . Tomorrow , Lily Winn , the town 's new veterinarian , would walk Haddie over . Ashley glanced around the main room . A few patrons had their heads in newspapers or books , but no one looked like they 'd need her anytime soon . The Evers Bees - a group of women who sewed handmade quilts out of upcycled fabrics they then donated to families in need - were in the side room working away on their latest project . And another volunteer was shelving books on the far wall . Ashley stepped into her office behind the circulation desk and shut the door . She 'd be able to see anyone approach through the glass pane in the top half of the door , but for now , her priority was reaching Alice . She 'd felt guilty as soon as she 'd listened to Alice 's voicemail two days before . She should have listened to her messages before coming home from her weekend at the lake house . But she hadn 't . She 'd put Alice off and now felt awful . The woman 's last message had sounded … well … off . All she 'd said was that she needed Ashley to return her call , please , but there was something underlying her tone . Something in her voice that told Ashley there was more to this call than just hello or how are you . She hit Alice 's contact on her cell phone and listened to the phone ring once again . For two days she 'd tried to reach her , but Alice wasn 't answering her calls and she hadn 't returned them either . Could she be sick ? Ashley suddenly had an image of Alice hurt and needing help . She wasn 't a frail woman , by any means , but she did live on her own and she wasn 't exactly young . She wasn 't old either , though . If she had fallen or hurt herself in some way , would she have been able to get to the phone to call for help ? Ashley shook her head , trying to shake off the feeling of unease that swept over her . No . Alice was in good health the last time Ashley had seen her . That had been - oh , wow - that had been close to a year ago , she realized . She frowned and looked at the clock . In three hours , her part - time employee would be in and there would be two additional volunteers on site . That was the soonest she could slip away . She put her phone in her back pocket - something she normally didn 't do while at work - and stepped back out to the circulation desk . She would make the drive to Branson Falls this afternoon , just to be on the safe side . If nothing else , she could take Alice out to dinner . They were long overdue for a visit anyway . And at least she could put her mind at ease and be sure her old caseworker was all right . Make sure it was just her insane workload that was keeping her from returning Ashley 's calls . His partner looked on as the loser in front of them shrugged . Again . The man made Garret think of a squirrel , for some reason . Maybe it was the slightly bucked teeth or the somewhat fuzzy brown hair that seemed like a tail as it poofed out behind the man in a loose braid . What man braids his hair ? His partner returned the look . Doug had known right away who Alice was and why Garret had no business whatsoever being part of her murder investigation , much less heading it up . Luckily for Garret , they 'd been partners a long time . Doug knew there was no way in hell anyone would be able to drag Garret off this case . So he had kept his mouth shut with the captain , and here they were , trying to find out who would stab a woman like Alice Johnson to death . A woman who 'd never done anything but give of herself to those around her . A woman who hadn 't deserved the brutal end she 'd met three days before . And they had squat to go on . Alice appeared to have let her assailant in her home . There was no evidence anyone had tampered with the locks or forced their way in . In fact , the person seemed to have caught Alice off guard with the attack , because there was little evidence of a struggle . The teapot sat by the stove , filled with water . Two mugs stood ready with bags , waiting for her to pour the brew . She had been stabbed fourteen times with one of her own knives from the large wooden knife block that Garret had looked at over the years during meals in Alice 's home . The cuts had begun tentatively , but by the third slice , they showed evidence of a killer who had let loose and wasn 't showing restraint any longer . Defensive wounds had been limited to a gash on her right arm and a few cuts on her left hand , as though Alice had been slow to defend herself . As if shock or disbelief had delayed her reaction . Contrary to popular belief , thanks to crime shows on television , an assailant didn 't always leave fingerprints on any surface they touched . If the environmental conditions weren 't right , prints wouldn 't appear . If the assailant didn 't touch something just right , a print wasn 't going to show up clearly enough to run a match . And this person had had the wherewithal to wash the knife - handle , blade , and all - in Alice 's sink before leaving . Garret was hopeful the crime scene guys might turn up a bit of blood or skin cells in crevices of the handle that hadn 't been washed away , but that would take weeks . Months , maybe . Another common misconception perpetuated by cop shows was the twenty - four - to forty - eight - hour turnaround from the lab . That was a joke . " Can you remember anything else that seemed out of place that day ? " Doug asked the squirrel . They had asked this guy the question in various forms several times already . In fact , this was their second time canvasing the neighbors , so they 'd interviewed him before . But the key to solving cases often lay in interviews . Mind - numbingly boring interviews . You asked the same questions over and over . Open - ended questions , targeted questions , follow - up questions . You asked if there 's anyone else you should talk to . And you chased the leads . Followed them wherever they go . Because fingerprints and DNA analysis , as sexy as they were , took a long , long time . And most of the time , they weren 't going to be there . Garret moved next to the door and opened it . A striking woman - all long , black hair and glass - blue eyes - all but tumbled into the apartment . He scanned the hallway behind her as his arm shot out to catch hold of her . Nothing there . Nothing but the crime scene tape and evidence seal on the door of Alice 's apartment across the hall . He looked down at the fragile woman in his arms . No , that wasn 't right . She looked fragile at first glance , but she wasn 't . She shoved back and held herself stiffly in front of him , eying him and Doug with the suspicion worn only by someone who 'd dealt with the system . And then her face seemed to crumple as though she 'd made some connection she hadn 't wanted to . She shook her head at him , as if by denying what she was seeing , she could make it go away . He shouldn 't give out any information . But her wariness told him she 'd been one of Alice 's kids . And her current appearance - put together , well dressed , successful - told him Alice had gotten this one out . Out of what , he didn 't know , but it was clear at some point , this woman had gotten things together . He was drawn to her , felt horrible for what he knew she would need to learn . Because something told him the information about Alice 's death would hit her as hard as it had hit him . He was inclined to be gentler with her than he might have been with someone else , and it ate at him . Why would he want to be gentle with this woman he didn 't even know ? A woman who might very well have information that could help him solve this case ? " What 's your name , ma ' am ? " he asked , but she stepped away from him , one arm wrapping around her stomach , and he could see tears welling , ready to spill over . She backed toward the door and stood next to it as if she might flee . He allowed her the position . For now . " She got stabbed , " called out the not - very - helpful , likely stoned squirrel - man next to Doug . Garret would have rolled his eyes if he 'd had time . But he didn 't . He needed to grab hold of the Snow White look - alike in front of him as her knees seemed to buckle . She clung to his arm , her eyes wildly swiveling from his face to Doug 's . Now the tears did fall , as she looked for them to deny what the squirrel had said . Shit . Neither one of them was in a position to confirm or deny anything just yet . She was a completely unknown person walking into the middle of an ongoing and open investigation . He brought her over to the squirrel 's couch and lowered her onto the cushions . Kneeling before her , he placed a hand on her leg , mostly to draw her attention to him . To ground her as she continued to look like a trapped animal ready to strike out for her own safety . " Stabbed in her own kitchen , dude , " called the squirrel , as if trying to help . " We don 't even know if any of us are safe here . " He was not helping . " Doug , you wanna do something about that ? " Garret called out over his shoulder , not taking his eyes off Snow White . He heard Doug guide squirrel - man into his kitchen , where he knew his partner would keep him busy and see if he could get any more information out of him . He needed to get her name , but she was white as a sheet and her hands covered her mouth as she continued to whisper her chant of no . He was back to thinking she looked like a china doll who might break if handled the wrong way . Demanding to see identification probably wasn 't going to get him results . He 'd need to take another tack if he wanted to find out anything from her . And bam . The transformation from Snow White to Ice Queen was instantaneous and palpable . She turned cold , crystalline eyes on him . The eyes of someone who 'd learned as a kid you don 't talk to cops . Yeah , she was one of Alice 's kids . He 'd bet a few paychecks on that . Interesting way to ask the question . Not do you know who killed her ? or who did this ? No . She wanted to know if they had any suspects in custody . He was sure she wasn 't law enforcement . She didn 't carry herself the right way . Didn 't cover her six like a LEO would . But she wasn 't simply a citizen , either . Referring to Alice as Ms . Johnson gutted him . She wasn 't just a victim he was trying to find justice for . This was Alice . He didn 't know if it was the effect Snow White was having on him , or the fact that he was investigating Alice 's death , but he was off - balance . Way off - balance . " I haven 't seen her in almost a year . " She offered no further information . Simply answered the question he 'd asked . She used two fingers from each hand to swipe at the tears under her eyes and pulled herself together . He had a feeling she wouldn 't let him see her cry again . As though she 'd remembered where she was , and her barriers were now in place . She looked at him and ignored the question as to her identity . " She left me a voicemail the other day . A few , actually . But she didn 't answer when I tried to call her back . " She tried to hide her feelings . He could see it in the hard set of her face . But the anguish in her eyes and the way her voice cracked belied her cool veneer . He moved to sit beside her on the couch and held his pen ready to write as much as she 'd give him . As many details as he could get from her . If Alice was trying to reach this woman , maybe she was connected to what had happened in some way . " You know that Alice was a social worker ? " She paused while he nodded . " Well , social workers seem to think about their kids on big anniversaries , whether they realize they 're doing it or not . At least , Alice always did . For me , it was the anniversary of my adoption by the Walkers . Alice tended to call then , just to check in . " " I 'm afraid I can 't answer that question , Ms . Walker . " As much as I want to . He had no idea what her draw was . Why he wanted to tell her everything they knew . Hell , he wanted to unload and let her know all of his frustrations with the case . To let her know he was struggling to handle his feelings , to balance the need to remain professional with the need to bring the scumbag who had taken his friend from him to justice . " It 's an I can 't answer the question , " he said , giving her his most apologetic smile . The one that oozed charm and usually had women falling at his feet . She didn 't fall . She narrowed her eyes at him with a look that told him she had opinions about cops and they weren 't good . " Is there anyone you 'd like me to call for you , Ms . Walker ? Do you need help getting home ? " He was an idiot . He was asking because he wanted to know if she had a husband or boyfriend . Where the hell had that come from ? " Please contact me if you think of anything else , " he said , giving her the standard line as he walked her out of the squirrel 's apartment with Doug at his back . Her eyes fell to the door opposite them and she swallowed visibly . He watched her beat back tears , then kept his eyes on her as she walked away from him , her arms wrapped tightly around herself , head high . Ashley hadn 't been able to drive home from Alice 's apartment building . She drove around the corner before pulling over and breaking down . Then she 'd called Cora and tried to explain through choked sobs where she was . After ten minutes , she 'd gotten it out , and Cora and Nathan had driven the hour and a half to pick her up and drive her car home for her . What she was feeling was a combination of grief , guilt for not answering Alice 's calls , and horror at the fact that Alice had been so brutally murdered . But most of all , she was beginning to feel rage . Rage and anger that someone could take the life of a woman who was so good to so many people . Without Alice 's unconditional love and support , Ashley would be dead . She was sure of it . She would have killed herself if Alice hadn 't gotten her out of the situation she was in years before . Whether it was by burying herself in pills or a bottle , or achieved more directly , it would have happened . Alice had given her the chance at a life of love and security . A chance to be safe . It was something Ashley had known she 'd never be able to repay . But Alice never asked for anything in return . It was simply what she did . And standing by the gravesite two days later , watching as mourner after mourner walked up and placed a rose on her casket , Ashley knew Alice would be smiling down on them all . She would smile to see so many of her former kids here . Because Ashley had no doubt that 's what many of the people in attendance were . When you came from that world , you could spot its inhabitants , even after you 'd gotten out . There were people ranging in age from their teens to their late sixties . The older ones would be coworkers . But many of the younger people were the kids . Alice 's kids . Ashley looked around at the group and saw people from all walks of life . Artists , rebels , nerds , and jocks . People who clearly hadn 't fully escaped the life Alice had hoped they would . And those who looked like they 'd somehow found their way . Some held small babies in their arms , and Ashley could imagine Alice 's response to them . She 'd reach for all of them , to rub their tiny heads or run the back of a finger down a soft cheek . She felt him watching her long before she saw him . Garret Hensley , with his dark hair cut short and tight , clean - shaven face , and dark gray eyes . He looked like he needed about three days of sleep , and she wondered if he had anything to go on in Alice 's murder investigation . Probably not , she thought . If he was here , looking so haggard and worn , then he was looking for a thread to pull . He was hoping for a break . She looked at the crowd as people began to work their way back to their cars and wondered if the person who took Alice 's life was here . A shudder tore through her and she felt her father 's arm around her . She tilted her head and let it fall to his shoulder . She 'd been one of Alice 's luckiest kids . Not everyone landed in a family like the Walkers . Most didn 't . Her father squeezed her shoulders and she looked up at him . Her nose burned and her eyes filled once again with tears at the question . All of Frank Walker 's children were his " kiddos " , no matter their age . And she 'd never been as happy for that as she was today . She wasn 't alone , and that felt really good . Her mother came up alongside them as they turned toward the two cars the family had piled into for the ride here . Her siblings already waited by them . They 'd all come , even though Alice hadn 't been a part of their lives , for the most part . She didn 't need to turn around to know who was calling her . Her father 's arm tightened protectively , but she reassured him as she watched Detective Hensley walk toward her . His pace was brisk , like he thought she might turn and run any minute , and he wanted to be sure she didn 't get away . " I 'll meet you over by the cars , Mom and Dad . That 's the detective working on Alice 's case . I want to see if he has any updates . " Her mother and father exchanged a glance but Ashley squeezed her mother 's hand . " I 'll be fine . I 'll be just a minute . " They turned and left just as the detective caught up to her . She brushed her hair out of her eyes and tipped her head back to look up at him . The man wasn 't overly tall , but compared to her short frame , his five - foot - ten height caused her to look up . He was sturdily built and looked like he could take on a tank and come out the winner . " Ashley , I 'm glad I caught you . " He looked past her to where her parents and siblings were waiting , and his eyes held an unasked question . Ashley waved at them before turning back to Garret . " My family , " she said , the words reminding her that Alice had given her that . The greatest gift imaginable . One she 'd grown up thinking she would never have . That had been all Alice 's doing . " Nothing solid yet . A witness said they saw a small car parked in the lot that isn 't normally there . Could be something . Could be nothing . And small car isn 't going to get us anywhere . We 're still waiting on a few other things , but so far , there 's not much to go on . " She nodded and looked past the detective to where his partner waited for him . Dave , she thought . Or Doug , maybe ? She wasn 't sure . Now Garret Hensley , she remembered . And that bothered her . A lot . She shouldn 't be so focused on this man . He should be nothing more than the detective investigating Alice 's case to her . And yet , she found herself looking into his eyes and thinking they looked kinder than she 'd expected for a battered cop . And she wondered what had left the scar that cut a thin , white line through his upper lip . She wondered a whole lot of things she had no business wondering . He nodded , but his eyes assessed her and she felt uncomfortable in her skin . It wasn 't a feeling she was used to . Not as an adult . Not as Ashley Walker . As Ashley O ' Rourke , she 'd felt it often . But never as Ashley Walker . She felt as though he suspected her of something , though she couldn 't say why . She nodded as she backed away , aware of his eyes on her . Aware of an intensity in his gaze that made her uneasy . Did he look at everyone like that , or just her ? Ashley turned and walked into the embrace of her siblings and parents and had to fight the urge to turn back to see if Garret was still watching her . She needn 't have worried , of course . As soon as they were piled into the back of her parents ' car , Cora turned to her . Ashley took a deep breath and sat back as Cora drove them toward Pies and Pints a week after the funeral . She needed this . A night out with friends . She hadn 't felt like herself since she 'd found out about Alice and she hated that . She wanted to feel normal again . On the other hand , she felt guilty for wanting to feel normal when Alice wouldn 't feel anything ever again . Ugh . She shook off the feelings and slid her flip - flops off her feet , drawing one foot up under her . Today should be a happy day . Cora attempted an affronted tone . " What ? Nothing . " She actually had the nerve to go for a why would you think I was up to anything ? That 's pure silliness look and Ashley just stared back blandly at her . Cora was utterly unable to lie . She simply didn 't have the lying gene in her DNA . " Oh , fine . I just think it 's time for you to tell everyone about your books . You just made the USA Today bestseller list , for heaven 's sake . Why are you hiding something like that ? " " Because it 's your fault , really . I mean , who keeps it a secret that they 're publishing a book ? No , not a book . Many books . Many highly successful and now USA Today winning books . " And there was . A cake in the shape of a book . And all of Ashley 's family and friends were at Pies and Pints to celebrate . Ashley grinned as she took in their congratulations . Cora had long since given up trying to defend herself for leaking the information . She was now simply saying it was a sister 's prerogative to out an author , and she didn 't know what the fuss was about . Ashley was okay with it . Screw it . Who cared if Haddie , her mother , and many of the women her mother went to church with had read her books . Sex scenes and all . And the sex scenes were … well , they weren 't mild . They weren 't Fifty Shades and all that , but they were steamy . There was a hint of kink here and there . But whatever . She had never been one to shy away from attention , and she didn 't filter herself in person , so why would she ever think of filtering her voice as a writer ? Good grief . And when her mother whispered that she might read a few of the scenes to her father , Ashley covered her ears and threatened to annul the adoption , or whatever process one would seek when their adoptive parents became too horrifyingly embarrassing . What a shame to have to undo the adoption now after all this time . She did get a few good laughs out of the evening , though . Her brothers wanted to know who had taught her " those things " and they weren 't the least bit amused when Ashley insisted they 'd have to be more specific than " those things " if they wanted answers . Emma began to recount all of the ex - boyfriends Ashley had had in high school and hypothesized about which ones might have taught her which things . Cora found all of that hysterical and couldn 't stop laughing , especially when Ashley began to nod her head yes , or shake her head no vigorously at one name or another . She mentioned she might set up some readings at the library , making it a Couples ' Night Out kind of thing . That had gotten her father and brothers to spit beer and sputter , as her mother and sisters laughed harder . John Davies shook his head and grinned at Ashley before grabbing his wife , Katelyn , and saying something about writing their own love scenes at home . Ashley looked at the squat , red - brick building and suppressed the memories that tried to flood her . She hadn 't been in this building in years . Not since the day she 'd finally come to Alice and accepted help . And that was a day she didn 't want to relive for anything . But she would . Marlis . The woman 's name was Marlis , which Ashley had always found different , but sort of hypnotizing . She just hoped Marlis still worked here and that she might have some idea of what was going on with Alice 's case . Ashley smiled . That was the other thing Ashley always remembered about Marlis . She was paler than a ghost , with obvious Irish roots , but her manner of speaking didn 't match those roots at all . " Ashley Walker ! " the woman exclaimed before Ashley could tell her who she was . " Of course I know who you are , child . Of course . You one of Alice 's special ' uns . " Marlis laughed . " Of course she did , child . Alice knew everything . She always watched over her kids , even after they 's on their way in the world . " Maybe Alice had been calling her that weekend to congratulate her on her book release , just like Cora had said . It seemed more people had figured out her secret than Ashley realized . She smiled to herself , happy that Alice had known about her books . It seemed important somehow . " I just wanted to see if you knew if they 'd found out anything more about Alice 's murder , " Ashley said , forcing herself not to flinch at the word . " Do you have any idea what she was working on ? Any ideas the police might not have looked into ? " Ashley jumped and spun to face Garret Hensley . Good grief , was the man everywhere ? She ignored the fact that his button - down shirt stretched across his chest and biceps in a way that made her want to unbutton it pretty damned quick . She 'd have to remember that look for a future book . " You 're just coming to interview her coworkers now ? Are you kidding me ? The chances that Alice 's death are related to something with her job are something like - " Wow , she sucked at math . " - well , really , really high . And you 're just now coming to talk to the people she works with ? " Garret gave her that carefully bland look she was sure he practiced at home in front of the mirror , but she doubted he was happy with the criticism . What man ever was ? She squirmed . Damn it . " Well ? " she said , hands on hips and foot tapping because it was all she could think to do . When in doubt , dig a deeper hole . " Don 't you know that most police work relies on interviewing people ? Over and over . You interview anyone and everyone you can because DNA and fingerprints probably aren 't going to get you a suspect for a while , if ever . You 've got to do the leg work . " Garret again wondered why this woman seemed to know so much about police procedures as he tamped down the frustration that came with being told how to do his job . It was par for the course . No one ever thought cops were doing enough . She intrigued him , though . She spoke with apparent knowledge on the subject , but she wasn 't a cop . That much was clear . Even if he hadn 't run a background check on her , he would know that . She didn 't have the stance or demeanor of someone who walked the thin blue line . Maybe she had friends on the force ? As he studied her , Marlis handed him a stack of files . " I managed to narrow things down a bit for you , Garret . There were several files that were inactive on her desk , and a few that are just minor follow - ups . These are the cases that might cause the kind of hard feelings you asked about . " Ashley 's gasp was audible and her eyes went wide , but Garret wasn 't entirely sure her response was solely due to his words . If she was feeling half the heat arcing between their bodies that he was , her gasp could easily be a response to that . Or maybe she was feeling the same urge to rock her hips into his and press their bodies together . To see if he could find an ounce of relief from this insane drive to plunge into her . Holy hell . He stepped back , holding the file folders in front of him , praying it looked casual . If Ashley and Maris and the half - dozen other people around him caught on to the fact that he was hiding the hard - on of all hard - ons behind those folders , they didn 't let on . Thank God . " Since you seem to understand a great deal about the investigative process , " he said , narrowing his eyes on the woman before him , " I 'm sure you also realize these things take time . It 's not a TV show where everything is wrapped up in forty - five minutes . You want to tell me why it is you seem to know so much about how a murder investigation works , Ashley ? " " Stuff ? " Garret repeated , and let out a bark of laughter . " Since when do authors get things right ? They glorify everything for the sake of sales , not accuracy . " Ah , there she was again . The Ice Queen . No , wait , she looked more like fire than ice right now . Hands back to hips , an inch or so added to her diminutive frame , and that spark in her eyes . " Romantic suspense . I write romantic suspense . And I put a lot of time and effort into getting the details right . I check and double - check and talk to officers who know what they 're doing . They help me get the details right . For my last book , I had to talk to a detective , an explosives expert , a psychologist , a lawyer , a medical examiner , and an arson investigator . I don 't just write fluffy nonsense with facts I pull out of the air . I research . " She let her gaze run up and down his body , pausing noticeably on the part still covered by the file folders . From the look she affected , she found him wanting . But he didn 't buy it . Her breathing had shallowed slightly and the tiny lick of her lips hadn 't been intentional . She couldn 't hide her attraction to him . She said bodice rippers as though some might consider them a bad thing . Hell , he didn 't know what a bodice ripper was , but it sounded pretty good to him . Especially if the steamy parts were coming from her mind . He wanted in that mind . Now . He took a step back . He needed to get out of here and regroup . Big time . This woman did strange things to him and he wasn 't entirely comfortable with the notion . She didn 't just draw him in sexually , the way most beautiful women did . She drew him mind , body , and soul . On a level and with an intensity that was unsettling . " No . I guess not , " she said with a Cheshire Cat grin . And suddenly , she 'd turned the tables on him . She held that grin as she swept around him , called a goodbye to Marlis , and walked away . Again . Thank you ! BTW I 'm going to send you a few links to free books in a few days ! Watch your inbox : ) In the meantime , check out Her SEALed Fate , one of my favorite books for FREE : http : / / dl . bookfunnel . com / 6phd6oqbfm ( copy and paste into your browser ) . You 'll be able to download your book for Kindle , Nook , an iPad , iPhone , or computer . If you have problems , hit HELP and submit a help request . Damon and his people are super fast and awesome at helping people get their books . Just watch your inbox or spam folder for a reply ! I love you , you love me . . . we should keep in touch , don 't ya think ? p . s . There 's free goodies and stuff , too ! SUBSCRIBE ! |
Posted on March 7 , 2014 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Work In Progress , Writing Who works on Saturdays ? Me apparently . I unlock the door to the store and am immediately assaulted by the smell of new books and cinnamon rolls baking in the oven . Reads & Eats is a book store and café . Or a café that also sells books . Depends on how you look at it . My father opened the shop when he was in his late twenties . He had never planned on being a shop owner but when he was laid off his construction job he decided to go down another path . He took out a loan , bought an empty building downtown and spent the next year using his construction skills fixing it up , outside and in . When asked why he decided to turn it into a bookstore , he always said he hadn 't even realized that was what he planned to do until one day he started building shelves . And so Reads & Eats was born . Then one day a few months after he opened the shop , my mom wandered in looking for something new to read . She left with two new books , a free cup of coffee , and a date for that coming Friday . " I know , I know , " I say as I put my purse and jacket down behind the check - out counter . " I have nothing to do today so I figured I 'd go through the new shipment in back for a while . It 's a little unorganized . " I keep busy behind the registers until Joy , one of the assistant managers , arrives twenty minutes later to open the store . After some polite chitchat , I retreat to the backroom . I would much rather stay out on the sales floor , sit back in one of the arm chairs by the front window and enjoy one of Sarah 's cinnamon rolls , but the boxes really do have to be emptied and organized . I dust myself off and steer the book cart I 'd filled with new books out to the sales floor . There are a few people milling around the stacks , and a table in the corner of the café is occupied . The sight of people in the store always makes me smile . I look over and there is a guy standing beside my table . A really hot guy . He looks to be about my age or maybe a little older , green - eyed , scruffy , and tall . And he 's carrying a bag of books from the store . There 's nothing sexier than a reader … Except a reader who buys his books from Reads & Eats . " It is really good , " I say . " It 's the best thing I 've eaten all day . " The only thing I 've eat all day , but he doesn 't need to know that . " For how long ? " he asks . " The last time I was here it was run by an older guy . He told me he built the place himself . " Dan says . " He was nice . Used to talk about how he met his wife here . " Typical Dad . I laugh . " That 's my father . And I don 't think there are any customers who have ever managed to get in and out of this place without hearing a story . " I feel my cheeks redden and I nod . " Me in all my glory . When I was younger he used to use me as a prop for his stories . " I push my plate to the side . " He still tells the tale even now that he no longer runs this place . " Dan chuckles . " Well I didn 't mind . I was just killing time when I stopped in here for the first time . After that I stopped by every time I was in town . This place just feels so , " he searches for a word , " cozy . Comforting . " The store is cozy , and has always had the feel of someone 's home and not a business . The walls , though they can barely be seen behind all the book shelves , are light green and the floor grey carpet . There are floor - to - ceiling shelves on every wall , and more standing here and there in the middle of the shop , comfy arm chairs and low benches hidden among them for flipping through a book or magazine . The left side of the shop opens up into the café , with its brown walls , tiled floors and bistro styled tables . The whole shop is decoratively cluttered , framed pictures and paintings hang on every available space , and the wall behind the café cash register is a painted mural of the Reads & Eats storefront . I beam at his words . " Thank you . " I want to leap over the table and kiss him . I 'm proud of Reads the way a mother is proud of her child . Technically the store isn 't my child so much as an older sibling , but still . " So when was the last time you were here ? " " Oh , it 's been years , " Dan says . " I was 18 then and my girlfriend , now my ex , lives around here . I was waiting for her to get out of work and thought I would browse around . It kind of became a regular thing that year . I 'd stop in and get a coffee , maybe buy a book or two . But I haven 't been back here since . " My teasing tone brings a smirk to Dan 's face . " Not exactly . I went away to college . After my freshman year I leased an apartment and moved up there permanently . Ultimately , that 's what killed our relationship , though I don 't think we ever had a real chance . " " So are you moving back here now that you 're done with school ? " The more I talk with him the more I 'm sure he 's a few years older . None of the guys I know are this mature . " Oh ! I 'm so sorry , " Impulsively I place my hand on top of his and then remember that we are still practically strangers and wrap it back around my cup . " I can 't imagine what you 're going through . " Our table is silent and I feel guilty about the frown on Dan 's face . " You know what you need ? " I stand up . " You need one of Sarah 's cinnamon rolls . Wait right there . " " And they taste even better , " I say with a smile . I hand him a fork and dig into my roll . " When I was a kid there was nothing that made me happier than one of these cinnamon rolls . " I lick a glob of frosting off my thumb . " Nothing ever seems quite as bad once you 've had one . " Dan 's smile is back and we eat our rolls in a happy silence . I 'm glad I haven 't ruined his mood . When I 'm done I lean back and sip my coffee , watching Dan savor the last few bites of his cinnamon roll . I was wishing I 'd brought a thicker jacket with me as I hurried back to my dorm from the library , hugging my books to my chest . I could hear the faint bass of dance music and drunken laughter coming from the other buildings on campus . It was a Friday night and I spent all of it studying . But if I didn 't ace my calculus exam the following Monday I would probably end up having to re - take the class next semester . And the last thing I wanted was another semester of math . A leaf crunched somewhere behind me and I had to suppress the urge to run . A quick perusal of the walkway behind me confirmed that my jitters were unnecessary - the path was empty . I scolded myself for being so jumpy . The wind could have easily scraped the leaf across the walkway . I chalked it up to my nerves over my test and the late hour . I needed to sleep . I had literally spent the entire day holed up in the library . I picked up my pace and before I knew it my dorm building loomed up ahead of me . I pushed open the door to the lobby and sighed a breath of relief . I had made it back to my dorm in one piece ; my paranoia had been for nothing . But as I moved to take a step towards the stairs an arm wrapped around my waist and suddenly there was a white cloth pressed to my face . My shoulders ached . That was the first thing that registered when I woke up . The events of the night came back to me and I shivered with fear . My heart pounded mercilessly against my ribs and my cheeks were wet with tears . My mind was still fuzzy , and my body and head felt heavy . I couldn 't even tell if I was laying down or sitting . I took a few shaky breaths to gain composure . I needed to calm down . I opened my eyes , squinting against the bright light of the lamp above me . I was laying on a carpeted floor in a room somewhere , hands bound behind my back . My cheek itched from where it 'd been rubbed against the rug . I pushed myself up on to my knees with difficulty before looking around . The room had two windows , both with shades closed tight , a couch and a TV , and a kitchen area , lights dimmed . There were three shut doors , two behind me and one directly across from me that I was sure led to a bedroom . Have I been here before ? I tried to shake my still foggy brain into focus . I looked down . There was something about the carpet . It was burgundy . And scratchy . Old and burgundy and scratchy and ugly , just like the one I used to sit on at … at Johns . Oh God . My head shot back up , my gaze finding the fridge in the kitchen and the pictures scotch taped to its front . A picture of a girl sitting Indian style on a rug , this rug . A picture of me . No . My chest was tight , I couldn 't breathe . Please no . I squeezed my eyes shut tight . I couldn 't look at that familiar burgundy anymore . The door to the bedroom creaked open and heavy footfalls came toward me . I kept my eyes shut . I didn 't need to see who it is , didn 't want to see . Strong hands gripped my arms and pulled me up on to my feet . I stepped up onto the wooden surface and shut the door behind me . I couldn 't count how many times I had disappeared up here . It was my escape . My hideout . I sighed and walked up to the rail . The view up there really was spectacular . They say sailor 's wives would stand on these decks and scan the horizons , hoping to see their love sailing home . " Don 't just dismiss me , " she said behind me . " You think you 're so special , don 't you ? " I felt her step closer to me . " Everyone 's favorite little girl . It 's no wonder though , with that perfect little attitude of yours . So cheery and smart and just so damned cute . " She yanked on one of my curls . " I 'm so sick of your fucking superior attitude . You 're not better than me . I 'm my own person ! And I will not , " her fists clenched , " just be a mini version of you . I am so sick of constantly being compared to your flawless self . I don 't need to be anything like you . " I looked at my sister . Once again I marveled at all her anger . Where was all this coming from ? I had a flash of a giggly little girl , full of life . That was a long time ago , but still . My little sister was a stranger to me now . An angry stranger who seemed to blame me for whatever problems she thought her life had . " Is that what you think ? " I asked . " That I 'm prefect and everyone 's favorite and you have to be just like me ? Who ever said anything about you having to be like me ? " " It 's what they think . Mom , Grammy , " she paused , " even Dad thought that way . He loved you best . Everyone loves you best . " Angry tears were squeezing from her eyes , her voice steely . " You 're their perfect Iuliana . " " Bullshit . Don 't blame me for the way people treat you . Maybe if you smiled once in a while and stopped scowling , people would actually enjoy your company . " Now I was angry . " And don 't you dare say Dad didn 't love you . Or that he preferred me over you . That 's bullshit Althea . " I jabbed my finger at her . " You were the one who never wanted to come to lunch with us . You never wanted to stay over or answer his calls . You never wanted anything to do with him ! " Tears were welling up in my eyes . " You broke his heart every day . " I wiped my tears away and turned toward the ocean , trying to compose myself . Althea could never justify the way she treated our father , but I never knew she felt second best . That was an awful thing to feel . And I felt sorry for her . But the deck was empty . Below me I heard the deck door slam shut and I watched as Althea made her way through the grass down to the beach . I watched until her retreating figure disappeared and then went back downstairs to join the family , and say goodbye to my father . Posted on November 24 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing I want to right my wrongs . I want to fix things . I broke them and now I 'm trying to put the pieces back . The plane ride is smooth . The flight feels effort less . Like the metal body of the plane is weightless . We weren 't traveling in a machine , using power to get from point A to B , we were being carried by the air . I couldn 't help but picture those paper airplanes you make as a child . A white paper plane wafting through the air on a sunny summer afternoon . I go over everything I want to say . Every apology I need to make . Some I already wrote in the message I sent you , but there 's more , so much more to be said . The airport is busy . The plane empties and its temporary inhabitants clamor to grab their suitcases from the baggage return . Families , reunited , hug and laugh . People are greeting each other , and group by group leaving together . I sit down . There is no one here I recognize . But I 'm sure that there will be soon . I 'm sure you 'll come . So I wait . Posted on August 13 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing Sharp , angry knocks resounded through my sparsely furnished apartment and I groaned , burying my head under my pillow . I ignored them in the hope that whoever it was would get the hint and disappear in a timely manner . Who was pounding on my door at this time anyway ? The knocking ceased and I relaxed into my lumpy mattress . Just then a deafening crash boomed through my place as the door slammed back against the wall . I scrambled out of bedroom and came face to face with my landlord . Frankie Artworth was not the type of guy you would want to meet in a dark alley . He was a believer in the death penalty , an ex - linebacker , and probably an ex - convict of some kind . He just had that look to him . As I took in the sight of him in my apartment , I was filled with dread . This was not good . Frankie 's face was bright red , and a vein throbbed dangerously in his neck as he eyed me wildly . I stared at my slightly askew door for what felt like hours before it hit me : I was just evicted . I had twelve hours to pack up what little crap I had and leave . I sunk down onto my moth eaten couch and held my head in my hands . My life was a mess . I was a thirty year - old loser with no family , no job and now nowhere to live . Unless I could come up with the three thousand I owed Frankie in the next twelve hours … Yeah , I was screwed . I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn 't even realize I wasn 't alone until she cleared her throat . I looked up to see my girlfriend Crystal standing in the doorway . An impatient look marred her pretty face . " You really don 't listen to anything I say , do you ? " She scowled . " I 'm done with this Gerry ! I don 't want to live in this dirty , crappy apartment with you . I 'm leaving , and I 'm taking the car with me . " I picked up the worn silver key Crystal had thrown at me . She left me . And now I 'm a loser with no car as well . At least things couldn 't get any worse . My head snapped up at the gruff voice coming from my doorway . I groaned internally . Two beefy guys stood shoulder to shoulder , blocking any way in or out of my apartment . In front of them stood Scott , the guy I gambled with almost every weekend . Physically , Scott was nothing to be afraid of , but the two body guards he traveled with were . Scott sauntered into the room , the two beefcakes following him . " You know , I like you Gerry , I really do . But you have to understand , " he said , stopping in front of me , " that it 's just good business . " He snapped his fingers and I was violently hauled off the couch by beefcake number one . It happened too fast to react . I was on the floor and steel tipped shoes were coming in contact with my ribs , my back and stomach over and over , while a fist covered in blood , probably my own , pounded into my face repeatedly . All I could comprehend was the pain . There was so much pain . " Make sure you come by with my money sometime this week , yeah ? " I heard Scott call out as they walked out of my apartment . " It 's been lovely , Gerry . " I don 't know how long I laid there in the middle of my floor , blood from my nose pooled on the floor and gasps for air filling the space around me . I felt like I was dying . Then there were hands helping me up , hands that carried and dragged me to the couch , hands that held a cold wash cloth to my face and an icepack to my ribs . Had Crystal come back ? I cracked open a swollen eye . There was a pair of neon green eyes staring back . The sight was enough to shock me into a sitting position , and I ignored the pain in my body as I took in the man in front of me . " So wait , wait , wait . Hold on , you 're saying that you 're the Emerald Strike ? " I was propped up on my couch , an icepack to my ribs , and a tissue to my nose to stop the bleeding . " The superhero I made up as a boy ? " The man stood up straight and placed his fists on his hips . " That is true , son . I am the Emerald Strike ! Where there 's crime , my strike of justice will not be far behind ! " Insane . This man was insane . Maybe he had escaped from some sort of psych ward . Granted , his costume was close to what the Emerald Strike used to wear in my childhood sketches - dark green tights under a black , bullet - proof leotard , tall black leather combat boots , and an emerald colored cape with a lightning bolt down the middle - but that just made things even crazier . How had he found my old drawings ? How did he find me ? Startled , I sat up on the couch . The room around me was empty , my door was back on its hinges , and my ribs weren 't throbbing . I was about to thank my lucky stars that it was all a dream , when the old man came sweeping through the kitchen doorway , carrying a tray of food and a steaming cup of coffee . I groaned and laid back down on the couch . This could not seriously be happening . This old man could not seriously be in my house . He could not seriously think he was really a superhero , let alone the very superhero I made up as a kid . This was not seriously happening . " So , Gerry , I think we should get to know each other again . It 's been a long time . " He set the tray on the coffee table , and then the couch dipped as he sat down beside me . " You know me just as the Emerald Strike , " he said , " but you can call me Albert . Albert Walters . " " Help you get a job . Help you keep your apartment , even though it 's sort of crappy … Help you pay your gambling debt and get Crystal back . It 's a lot for one person to tackle . " Albert stopped and smiled at me . " But I 've always got your back Gerry . Let 's strike while there 's still time ! " One morning Gerry woke up in his apartment from a knocking on his door . It was his landlord , who told him he was evicting him and why . After the landlord left , a couple tough - looking men came in , beat him up , and told him he would be missing a finger if he didn 't pay money he owed from gambling . Then his girlfriend came to return his apartment key . He hadn 't had time to realize she had left him . Last , an elderly man in faded spandex appeared at his door , claiming to be a superhero Gerry had created when he was thirteen , and had come to rescue him from his difficulties . Posted on July 23 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing Leia hummed as she got out of her car . She was in a good mood . She had just worked an eight - hour shift at the bookstore one town over and now had a bag of new books sitting in her backseat . The job at the Baker Books was her favorite - she loathed cashiering at the local grocery store . Leia skipped happily up the front steps of the Stone residence , excited to hear about Eowyn 's doctor 's appointment . Leia sang softly as she unlocked her best friend 's front door , some upbeat pop song from the radio stuck in her head . " Eowyn ! " She called out as she stepped inside . Leia was greeted with silence . She shook her head and closed the front door behind her . The lazy girl had probably gone back to bed , or was trying to take a quick shower before Leia got there . Eowyn sat slumped against the wall behind the door , dressed in a pair of loose sweatpants and a bright - colored tee that hung loosely over her slightly swollen belly . Her honey brown hair was in disarray , down around her shoulders . Her wispy bangs fell into her brown eyes , whose green flecks would glint in the light like emeralds . Eyes that were wide open , their empty gaze on fixed on Leia . Leia reached down and touched a shaky hand to Eowyn 's face . Her hand jerked away when her fingertips met cold skin . A broken sob left Leia 's throat as she turned and ran from the room . Leia sat huddled in a blanket in the lobby of the police station . She had called 911 after she fled from Eowyn 's room and watched as the police studied the scene and as Eowyn 's body was taken away . She had been questioned relentlessly by the police . How could they get in touch with Miss Stones family ? Did you see anything out of place ? Is there anything missing ? She was taken back to the station from the scene . Leia had no idea how long she had been there . She vaguely remembered being told her mom would be there as soon as possible , and that her dad hadn 't been able to get away from work . She sat down wordlessly and pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders . The officer in front of her was giving his condolences , asking if she wanted something to drink . His name - tag said Officer Mack . Leia nodded and took a steadying breath , clutching the blanket even tighter . She looked down at the scratched metal surface of the table as she spoke . " I went straight to Eowyn 's after work . She had wanted me to come over after my shift so she could tell me something . Since she was expecting me , I let myself in when I got there . " Leia nodded . " I 've had one forever . Eowyn and her mother Sarah are practically fam - family . " Tears welled up in her eyes and Officer Mack gave her a sympathetic smile . She continued shakily . " I called her name and when no one answered I figured she was asleep or something and went upstairs to her room . " Leia paused , her voice falling to a whisper . " I went to open the door but it h - hit something . When I stepped around it I sa - " Leia closed her eyes . " I saw her . Her eyes were still open and when I touched her she was so cold . " She wiped away the tears that squeezed their way from under her lids . " That 's when I went downstairs and called 911 . " The officer nodded . After twenty years of being a cop it was still hard for him to be around death . " Did you touch anything in the room ? " " I overheard one of the officers asking if anyone found a cellphone . I guess that 's odd , " she said . " Eowyn always had her phone with her . " Leia looked questioningly at Officer Mack before answering . " It was a bit of a shock for him at first , but I mean , it was a shock to me too . A shock for all of us . " she said . " It wasn 't what either of them wanted , but he was coming around . " Officer Mack shrugged and stood up from the table . " That remains to be seen Miss Valenti . " He moved to the door and held it open for her . Leia couldn 't sleep . In the morning her eyes were red and swollen and she had dark bags under them . When she went downstairs to join her parents for breakfast , her mother , to Leia 's relief , immediately called the school to inform them her daughter would not be coming to class for the rest of the week . The only time Leia left the house that day was to visit Adam . She knew being allowed to see him was a long shot but she had to try anyways . Luckily the nice , young police officer she had met the day before ( whose name was Officer Pires ) was there and he agreed to let her see him . He led her to the room she had been questioned in the day before and told her to wait . " How are you doing in here ? " She asked him , though the answer was pretty obvious . Adam was pale , his clothes wrinkled from having slept in them . His eyes were red rimmed and he had deep bags under them . He looked horrible . Adam shrugged . " I 'm great , " he said sarcastically . But more seriously he added , " I 'm just trying to stay together . I don 't want to fall apart in here , you know ? But , " his voice broke , " God , I can 't believe she 's gone . " He moved to one of the empty chairs and collapsed into it . " They think I killed her . " " I just - I can 't believe it . How could anyone think that I would ever hurt her ? Kill her ? Kill m - my child ? " Adam hung his head . " I could never . " Leia had never been the type of person that asked for help . Her mother always told her she was too stubborn for her own good . But trying to find a murderer was more than Leia could do on her own . By the time she came to this conclusion it was well into the early hours in the morning , but she didn 't notice . Growing up , her cousin Dex had always had a knack for finding things out . It was impossible to keep a secret from him . Though he co - owned and helped his father run their family hardware store , Dex did " detective work " on the side . He called it his fun money . And she did . She told Dex the same story she gave the police , only adding in the recent activity . " I know Adam didn 't kill her , he couldn 't have . I don 't know what " forensic evidence " the police think they have , but it probably wouldn 't have been enough to hold him there on its own , " Leia said . " These small town police are grasping at straws . " Leia 's shoulders slumped . " I don 't know . Who would want to kill Eowyn ? You knew her . She was always so sweet . And with a baby coming … " He squeezed his cousin 's hand . " We 'll find out , okay ? Now let 's go talk to this , " he looked at the list , " Victoria person . " Victoria Fry was a bitch . But she was also Adam 's best friend . She lived near the middle school in the " upscale " part of town . The whole town was pretty nice , but the houses near the school were doubled in size and their owners twice as snobby . Dex had walked up behind Leia , and was standing on the front stoop with his hands casually stuffed in his pockets . He flashed Victoria a boyish grin that made his dimples stand out . " Hello to you too . " Tori 's smile faltered only a moment . " Well come in , both of you . " She ushered them inside . " What did you want to talk to me about ? " Not even Dex 's presence could stop the ugly sneer that came over Victoria 's face . " Eowyn ? Why the fuck would I want to talk about that little slut ? " " He has his whole life in front of him ! Fucking Harvard ! And that bitch , " Victoria spat , " is trying to trap him ! They 're only 18 for Christ 's sake . " " I - I was at my Aunt 's all day Saturday , " Victoria said softly . " You can ask my parents . She 's really dead ? " They spent the rest of the day questioning people , with no luck . Everyone had solid alibis and couldn 't supply no insight as to why anyone would want to murder Eowyn . By 7 o ' clock that night Leia was tired , disheartened , and out of suspects . Sarah turned toward her guest . " Baby , can you give me a few minutes ? " She flashed him a flirtatious smile and squeezed his arm . He smiled dopily at her before kissing her cheek and walking away toward the kitchen . Ms . Stone glanced behind her into the house . " I 'm doing fine , Leia . " She turned back the young girl on her porch . " Thanks for coming by . Have a nice night . " Your world turns upside down , then right side up , upside down and right again . The cage you 're in is pulling you in circles . It clanks and creaks and cracks and makes all sorts of unhealthy sounds as it propels you around and around . Laughter and screams and music are all around you , and from up high you can see the whole fair as you whirl through the air . All the lights all the people . The ride dips one more time and you 're no longer sure what 's up and where 's down . You squeeze your eyes shut . Posted on July 5 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing Birds tweet and twitter at each other from the trees overhead . They flit and hop from branch to branch . They seem very busy , and yet not busy at all . Everything out here is green . The grass , the trees , and the reflective surface of the pond I 'm sitting next to - all green . It 's nature at its finest . The Great Outdoors . It 's too loud . Every hour of the day there are crickets chirping , the leaves in the trees rustle with the wind , and the birds are singing at the top of their little lungs . I want to throw a rock at one of those flying jerks . Can 't I get some peace ? Isn 't that what this damn camping trip is for ? Where 's the traffic ? The sound of car horns and engines and sirens ? The murmur of my neighbors ' TVs or the shouting from the streets ? It 's much too quiet here . How can I possibly be expected to relax ? " Don 't you love this fresh air ? " he asks me . " Look at all that sky ! " he says to me . " This is wonderful ! " he exudes . I 'm convinced he 's lost it . Snapped . What does " fresh air " or the sky matter when my cell phone is dying ? When my allergies are acting up ? When there 's no running water ? When I feel like we are miles away from any form of civilization ? I don 't know what he was thinking , suggesting a camping trip . Or what I was thinking , agreeing to come out here with him . Maybe we 're both cracked . Now he 's talking about coming out here once a month . About maybe renting a house in the country . " Wouldn 't that be great ? " he questions , " think how relaxing it will be ! " I think I 'm going to pass out . Once a month . A house in the country . This camping trip , like our relationship , clearly needs to come to an end . Posted on June 29 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing I spoke . She was silent . My confession hung in the air between us . I just looked at her , waiting for something . Waiting for her to speak again , for her to make any sound at all . She was still . No sobs , no sniffles . Her shoulders didn 't quake and her lips didn 't tremble . She looked broken . Utterly broken . The urge to take her in my arms and soothe away the hurt was unbearable . I wanted to thumb away her tears and kiss her eyelids . I needed to do something . But her silence felt like an impassable barrier , a physical force stopping me from doing anything whatsoever . I watched helplessly as her eyes dripped rivers of hurt down her cheeks . The look in her eyes said no . She could always sense where my thoughts were going , always knew what I was thinking before I thought it . There was no fixing this . Her lips had no words for me , but her eyes said it all . Posted on June 20 , 2013 by Kyla Danica under Fiction , Short Story , Writing One of my first memories is of water . A wave roars against a pillar and water splashes up onto the wooden boards at our front door , the spray cool against my face and arms . I remember squealing with delight at the feeling and the twinkling sound of my mother 's laughter . Since the day I was born water has been a constant in my world . The air here perpetually smelled fresh and briny , and the taste of salt lingered on tongues . One could always hear the roar of the water , the splash of waves as they crashed against the thick wooden pillars that held the village above the surf , and the cry of the seagulls . The sounds were almost as musical as the harmonious speech of the villagers , the Omenai , whose words wove a dulcet melody in the air . The sun shone bright over the deep blue water that covered the entire surface of Omen . The only piece of land the world possessed was The Mountain in the east that towered over the immense village at its base . The Mountain stood tall and proud above the immense expanse of choppy water , almost as if it were the Guardian of all that its shadow reached . It seemed to burst out of the water without any indication of its origin and went up , up , up , until it ended in a snowy peak high in the clouds . High green grass swayed over most of it for the majority of the year , strong rooted trees rustled in the wind , shed their leaves , and offered shade , and the few animals the world had left inhabited the fields . Centuries ago , there had been villages in the low fields and the high reaches of the mountains as well as the stilted homes over the water . When the world suddenly found themselves with a depleted amount of land and more and more water every day , they ran to the mountain for protection . They built their homes out of reach of the surf and saved whatever they could . Earth became Omen and nothing was the same again . Though some folks still dwelled in the high grassed fields , the majority migrated down to the water once the ocean became steady . Now bridges of wood and rope branched out from docks at the base of The Mountain and stretched on for miles over the water . They were a network of paths that , to a new comer from the grasslands , may have seemed confusing , but were the villagers ' links to each other and to The Mountain itself . They connected house after house and all the platforms , swaying and creaking in the breeze even though they were sturdy in build . The tip top of The Mountain was a place that these days only few were allowed to see . It was a sacred place , heavy with importance and power - The home of The Elders . The Elders had been the voice of the people . They had been the law . The Elders of the east had ruled the villages in the shadow of the mountain , had protected the people and helped them lead healthy lives . Life under The Elders was organized . The men fished , or farmed , and kept an eye out for bridges that may need fixing . The women raised the children , were healers , and shop keepers . Everyone was treated the same under The Elders . Yes , everyone had different responsibilities , but they were necessary positions that kept the villages alive . Everyone in the east part of Omen got the same amount of yearly spending money from the government . It was what the villagers did with their money that separated classes , but they weren 't extreme in their differences . 20 years or so ago the Elders had been taken with an idea : what if they could find out what was under the wavy expanse ? The waters in which the villages rested over were deep , but shallow enough to build in . No one alive had ever seen Earth , what Omen was before . Curiosity as to what lie in the mysterious depths beyond the villages quickly spread through the east . The Elders wanted to expand , and the people were all for it . They trusted their leaders and lived happy lives . The Elders , however , were no more . They had been overturned by a bitter man who now ruled the east of Omen with an iron fist - Nicolai . His voice was jarring compared to the others in the villages , his discordant tone slicing through the air whenever he spoke . He did not believe in full equality as The Elders had and he did not approve of exploring the deep - sea or even living in stilted houses . Nicolai hated the water - He did not trust it . He warned us all of the danger . What if the water rose up against us , as it did in the days of old , and drowned us all ? Life on the water was no life at all , was what he preached . All talk and plans of exploring the water were put to a stop , and , slowly , Nicolai was forcing the people back onto the mountain . I was only a child when Nicolai came into power . I was too young to fully understand what was happening around me , why my mother didn 't seem as happy anymore , or why my brother had joined the guards . I didn 't understand where the cruel set lines around my father 's mouth had come from . I heard the whispers when I left our house at my mother 's side . Heard how parts of the outer town had collapsed , sturdy bridges just falling into the choppy , unforgiving water one night . Some whispered it was the new government . Others wondered aloud if the mountain truly was a safer place to live . My mother scoffed at those people , but she never joined in the whispers . I was too young to understand just how dangerous my world was becoming . |
By now , if you have read my earlier postings , you have met Ubi , and you know that he is a Cavachon . You also know that a Cavachon is the lucky offspring of Cavalier King Charles Spaniel , and a Bichon Frise . I say lucky because , well , just look at him . Look into his eyes . My neighbor gets credit for this picture . She dropped her keys and he started to eat them , but she got him to look up at her long enough to capture one of the best photos of him to date . Every time I look at it , and look at those eyes , tears come to mine . I am so blessed to have this guy in my life . He is teaching me so much about patience , tolerance and understanding . So far he has gone through several USB chargers for my phone , and two power supplies for my Microsoft Surface Pro 4 at $ 80 a piece . He has destroyed several of his toys in an explosion of fluff . He has peed and pooped all over the area rug and hardwood floor in my living room , but that 's ok . I purchased the rug just for him . It 's made of polypropylene . And yes , I can 't find half of my socks . I 'm sure they will turn up somewhere one I find his hiding place . I tried letting him sleep in bed with me , and at first that worked out just fine . But then he decided it was more fun to kiss me than go to sleep . I don 't mind him kissing me , but not when I 'm trying to fall asleep . So now I 'm putting him in his crate by my bed until he is a little older and learns that when the lights go out it 's time for bed . As you know , Ubi broke his leg . He healed spectacularly . To watch him run is a wonderful sight . He is so fast . We are in puppy class right now , and he is the smallest puppy in the room by far , but he doesn 't care . During play time he plays with the bigger boys and girls and loves it when he can get them to chase him . So what is it that I didn 't know until last night ? Well another neighbor was over with her dog , and Ubi was playing with her and the other dog , and me . Ubi is so friendly to everyone . He loves it when people visit . He runs up to them with so much enthusiasm . He is just so irresistible . I 'm very happy about this . I want a dog that people don 't have to be afraid of when the come in to my home . I really hope he stays this way . But there 's also a part of me that wants him to be attached to me more so than others . I want him to know that I am his caretaker , and that I am , well , his Daddy . But I figured , if he is friendly with everyone , I guess that 's good enough . At least I don 't have to worry about him biting anyone . But last night something happened and I knew . While we were playing , with my neighbor there , and the other dog there , and new bully sticks that the dogs were chewing on , I had to go upstairs to make sure the doors were closed , so the dogs didn 't get into anything up there . So I go upstairs , and I 'm closing the doors , and I turn around , and there was Ubi . No bully stick , neighbor and other dog downstairs , but there he was , looking up at me , seemingly with relief that I didn 't leave the house through some hidden exit in my bedroom . What did I know ? I think you know what I knew . So it 's almost 10 : 00 on a Tuesday evening , and I 'm not tired yet . I don 't want to watch TV . I don 't really have anything to do , hmmm … Oh ! I haven 't written in my blog in a while . Now first , I want to warn you , because I 'm about to talk about God . Not the traditional God that many people think of . I 'm not a Christian , and even though I 'm Jewish I still don 't believe that Jewish parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally . I 'm not even talking about an all powerful , omnicient being , that guides our every day lives . In fact , I 'm not talking about anything predefined . The word God is what we use to describe something that means different things to different people . I 'm going to use that word for brevity sake , but really what I mean is , higher power , and by that I mean anything that is more powerful than me . Myself and a friend . Together we are more powerful than me alone . Myself and a group of friends . Even better . Myself and a group of friends and loving family members . Or maybe it 's not people for you . Maybe it is the God of the Bible . The point is it doesn 't matter . What I 'm talking about is anything that you feel can help you when you need help , better than you can help yourself , or , anything that can help you help someone else better than you can help them yourself . For the rest of this reading , God = hire power . God has helped me a lot lately . When I found myself in my depression , just wanting to stay in my hole and not deal with the situation I was going through , some very loving , caring people in my life gave me some help that I needed . First , it was my family , and I didn 't really need to ask too hard for that help . All I needed to do was pick up the phone and say , this is what is happening , and the help was offered . My father and step - mother love me so unconditionally . Sometimes I can be the biggest baby about things , and sometimes there are things I 'm going through which they can 't possibly understand from my perspective , but they don 't care . They just love , and they show it by doing as much as they possibly can , whenever they are able . The problem is , they aren 't as able right now . My step - mother just had knee replacement surgery , and my father is going to have a heart valve transplant sometime very soon . But they were still there for me when I needed them , as much as they could be . However , this time , during a crisis I was going through and I 'm still going through they couldn 't offer as much as they 'd like to be able to , and that meant I needed to grow up just a little bit . That was very difficult for me at first . I wanted more care than they were able to give , and I finally had to face that fact after a week of hell , and a trip to the emergency room because I thought something was horribly wrong with my stomach or abdomen , or I had some other major medical issue going on , only to be diagnosed with constipation . That 's ok . You can laugh . That shit really hurt man ! Then , quite frankly , I started to pray to my higher power . Now , again , if I 'm sitting in my living room saying , " God , please , I need your strength here ! " , is anyone listening , or am I just affirming in my head , that I need help from something more than myself , and trying to work through how to get that help in my head . The weirdness is not in the asking . The weirdness is in the answers you get , and recognizing them . At this point it was another family member who came through for me . My aunt , who just lost her husband and my Uncle from cancer sent me an email one morning , asking me if I could help her with some computer problems . I told her about my situation , and how debilitating it was for me , and that all I could offer was to keep in touch because I thought it would be good for the both of us . I then asked her a question . How is she coping ? Because she 's pretty depressed right now too . She told me about how our grandmother used to make her make up her bed as soon as she got out of it , so she would at least have that to say she accomplished that day . So for some reason , I got out of bed , I not only made my bed , but I finally changed the sheets , putting clean ones on , and then I put the dirty ones in the washing machine along with some other laundry I needed to do . Then we chatted back and forth in email , and eventually she asked me a specific computer question , and it gave my mind something to do . At first I just explained what it could be , and pushed it back on her . But we kept chatting . Then I decided to do some searching online , and I was able to at least partially find the answer to her problem and help her get it more under control . I was still in a bad place , but my mindset had changed a bit . Frankly , having something to do made me feel less depressed . So we continued to chat , and I continued to pray . I also had to make some very tough decisions about some things in my life which I will talk about in another post some time . I started doing a few more , manageable tasks around the house . More laundry , wash the dishes , vacuum a little bit . And then I allowed myself to take a break because I had accomplished some things that I needed to accomplish . Another pretty much sleepless night went by , but I got up and took care of some things I needed do . I went to a doctor 's appointment . I had to take a cab there because of some other real ( more than constipation ) issues I 'm dealing with right now , but I went . I asked the doctor for help with some things and she went over and above to help me . Certainly a higher power there . Another sleepless night , still chatting with my aunt , still getting small , manageable tasks done , still praying . By the way , my prayers were pretty simple . " God , please help me to know what to do next . " This time the answer came to make some phone calls , and I did . I called very good friends . That was today . I had several phone conversations . Then I got a ride to another doctor 's appointment from one of those friends . Then I met my parents for lunch , and took care of some business that needed to be taken care of to make it easier for them to help me in ways that they could help me . Then I met another person and took care of some more business that needed to get taken care of . Then another friend picked me up , and we went to meet with some other friends . I got home at about 8 : 30 after a very full day . I made a few more phone calls . And now I 'm writing this . Will I sleep tonight . Who knows ? If my body needs sleep , I will sleep . It will eventually come , but it sure will come a lot faster if I 'm up and moving , and doing things and staying active . By the way , I meantioned more phone calls . Tomorrow is a very full day . Thursday will have some activity in the evening , and I can always think about how to do more between now and then , and then make some more phone calls . Oh , and I need to go grocery shopping . Luckily the grocery store is in the same shopping center where my condo is . I think I can manage a 3 block drive . I was told so by one of my advocating friends . . So now it 's midnight . I 'm not really sleepy , but I 'm tired , and that 's a good thing . I have to deal with chronic pain , and managing that is tough because it adds to the depression causing the sleep issues which adds to the depression and yes I did mean to say depression three times . But today was a good day . I was up , and active , and tomorrow and the next day will be the same . I 'm certainly not out of the woods here . I 've got a lot more to do to get back into life . Find a job for one , but I need to take care of myself first , and this one was a bit of a nose dive so I 've still got some climbing to do , but I 'm grateful , because I have help , from my higher power . As long as I ask for it , and am able to recognize it when it is presented , it will always be there . People , activity , things to think about . They are keeping me sane , at least for now . So it 's almost 10 : 00 on a Tuesday evening , and I 'm not tired yet . I don 't want to watch TV . I don 't really have anything to do , hmmm … Oh ! I haven 't written in my blog in a while . Now first , I want to warn you , because I 'm about to talk about God . Not the traditional God that many people think of . I 'm not a Christian , and even though I 'm Jewish I still don 't believe that Jewish parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally . I 'm not even talking about an all powerful , omnicient being , that guides our every day lives . In fact , I 'm not talking about anything predefined . The word God is what we use to describe something that means different things to different people . I 'm going to use that word for brevity sake , but really what I mean is , higher power , and by that I mean anything that is more powerful than me . Myself and a friend . Together we are more powerful than me alone . Myself and a group of friends . Even better . Myself and a group of friends and loving family members . Or maybe it 's not people for you . Maybe it is the God of the Bible . The point is it doesn 't matter . What I 'm talking about is anything that you feel can help you when you need help , better than you can help yourself , or , anything that can help you help someone else better than you can help them yourself . For the rest of this reading , God = hire power . God has helped me a lot lately . When I found myself in my depression , just wanting to stay in my hole and not deal with the situation I was going through , some very loving , caring people in my life gave me some help that I needed . First , it was my family , and I didn 't really need to ask too hard for that help . All I needed to do was pick up the phone and say , this is what is happening , and the help was offered . My father and step - mother love me so unconditionally . Sometimes I can be the biggest baby about things , and sometimes there are things I 'm going through which they can 't possibly understand from my perspective , but they don 't care . They just love , and they show it by doing as much as they possibly can , whenever they are able . The problem is , they aren 't as able right now . My step - mother just had knee replacement surgery , and my father is going to have a heart valve transplant sometime very soon . But they were still there for me when I needed them , as much as they could be . However , this time , during a crisis I was going through and I 'm still going through they couldn 't offer as much as they 'd like to be able to , and that meant I needed to grow up just a little bit . That was very difficult for me at first . I wanted more care than they were able to give , and I finally had to face that fact after a week of hell , and a trip to the emergency room because I thought something was horribly wrong with my stomach or abdomen , or I had some other major medical issue going on , only to be diagnosed with constipation . That 's ok . You can laugh . That shit really hurt man ! Then , quite frankly , I started to pray to my higher power . Now , again , if I 'm sitting in my living room saying , " God , please , I need your strength here ! " , is anyone listening , or am I just affirming in my head , that I need help from something more than myself , and trying to work through how to get that help in my head . The weirdness is not in the asking . The weirdness is in the answers you get , and recognizing them . At this point it was another family member who came through for me . My aunt , who just lost her husband and my Uncle from cancer sent me an email one morning , asking me if I could help her with some computer problems . I told her about my situation , and how debilitating it was for me , and that all I could offer was to keep in touch because I thought it would be good for the both of us . I then asked her a question . How is she coping ? Because she 's pretty depressed right now too . She told me about how our grandmother used to make her make up her bed as soon as she got out of it , so she would at least have that to say she accomplished that day . So for some reason , I got out of bed , I not only made my bed , but I finally changed the sheets , putting clean ones on , and then I put the dirty ones in the washing machine along with some other laundry I needed to do . Then we chatted back and forth in email , and eventually she asked me a specific computer question , and it gave my mind something to do . At first I just explained what it could be , and pushed it back on her . But we kept chatting . Then I decided to do some searching online , and I was able to at least partially find the answer to her problem and help her get it more under control . I was still in a bad place , but my mindset had changed a bit . Frankly , having something to do made me feel less depressed . So we continued to chat , and I continued to pray . I also had to make some very tough decisions about some things in my life which I will talk about in another post some time . I started doing a few more , manageable tasks around the house . More laundry , wash the dishes , vacuum a little bit . And then I allowed myself to take a break because I had accomplished some things that I needed to accomplish . Another pretty much sleepless night went by , but I got up and took care of some things I needed do . I went to a doctor 's appointment . I had to take a cab there because of some other real ( more than constipation ) issues I 'm dealing with right now , but I went . I asked the doctor for help with some things and she went over and above to help me . Certainly a higher power there . Another sleepless night , still chatting with my aunt , still getting small , manageable tasks done , still praying . By the way , my prayers were pretty simple . " God , please help me to know what to do next . " This time the answer came to make some phone calls , and I did . I called very good friends . That was today . I had several phone conversations . Then I got a ride to another doctor 's appointment from one of those friends . Then I met my parents for lunch , and took care of some business that needed to be taken care of to make it easier for them to help me in ways that they could help me . Then I met another person and took care of some more business that needed to get taken care of . Then another friend picked me up , and we went to meet with some other friends . I got home at about 8 : 30 after a very full day . I made a few more phone calls . And now I 'm writing this . Will I sleep tonight . Who knows ? If my body needs sleep , I will sleep . It will eventually come , but it sure will come a lot faster if I 'm up and moving , and doing things and staying active . By the way , I meantioned more phone calls . Tomorrow is a very full day . Thursday will have some activity in the evening , and I can always think about how to do more between now and then , and then make some more phone calls . Oh , and I need to go grocery shopping . Luckily the grocery store is in the same shopping center where my condo is . I think I can manage a 3 block drive . I was told so by one of my advocating friends . . So now it 's midnight . I 'm not really sleepy , but I 'm tired , and that 's a good thing . I have to deal with chronic pain , and managing that is tough because it adds to the depression causing the sleep issues which adds to the depression and yes I did mean to say depression three times . But today was a good day . I was up , and active , and tomorrow and the next day will be the same . I 'm certainly not out of the woods here . I 've got a lot more to do to get back into life . Find a job for one , but I need to take care of myself first , and this one was a bit of a nose dive so I 've still got some climbing to do , but I 'm grateful , because I have help , from my higher power . As long as I ask for it , and am able to recognize it when it is presented , it will always be there . People , activity , things to think about . They are keeping me sane , at least for now . Is he thinking , " This is the life ! My sister Seri , and my big retarded sister Jamaica who drools and pants a lot , and my Daddy and me . Things couldn 't get much better ! " Then I stop wondering what he is thinking , and I stop thinking , and just enjoy the moment , because I realize that is what he is doing . He 's just living in the moment , and for all of us , right in this moment , things are pretty good . So I thought I 'd share this special moment with whomever is reading this . I wish you many special moments in your life , today and every day . When you notice one , stop what you are doing , stop thinking , and do what Bene does . Just be ! If you don 't understand that one , don 't fret . I won 't be able to explain it to you so that you can feel the meaning of it in your heart in a few sentences in a blog . It 's something I 've come to understand over time , and I mean a lot of time . I used to think humility is what you felt when you drank all night , made a fool out of yourself , and had to be told the next day what you did to make a fool out of yourself because you didn 't remember . But people would give you that look . You know the one I 'm talking about . Or maybe you don 't . It was the look that said , " There he is ! That 's the guy that did that stuff last night ! " For someone like me who craves being the center of attention , it was certainly attention alright , but not exactly the attention I was looking for . Still , it was attention . And attention is attention . So if that 's the only way you know how to get it , then that 's what you keep doing , over and over and over , until , well , it doesn 't work for you anymore . Yep that was the kind of humility I knew . The kind that kept landing me in the same place over and over , wondering why I kept winding up in that place . It was a lack of balance , when you come right down to it . I had no idea how to get the attention I so desperately needed in a less self - destructive manner . So time after time I wound up humiliated . The way I delt with it was to just not be around people anymore . I decided that I needed to be alone for the rest of my life , and the way I was acting , I think a lot of people agreed with me . Well , that didn 't work so well either . Because then my only critic was me . I was really hard on myself . I still am . But at least when I was with other people who were as self - centered as I was I had some camaraderie in our self - centerdness . I eventually had to make some drastic changes in my life , and those changes have led me on the quest for perfect humility . Wait ? Ummmm … Like I said , if you don 't get it , you don 't get it . Keep reading anyway . It will all be OK . Humility , as I 've come to find out is something completely different than humiliation . With most problems in life , as the one I was speaking about above , I lacked a sense of balance . To quote a very good book , " I utterly lacked the ability to form a true partnership with another human being . " Don 't go looking in your bible folks . It 's a different good book . If you don 't know what book , and you want to know what book , send me an email . Anyway , it doesn 't really matter . That was my problem . I just didn 't know how to get along , with people , with work , with anything or anyone . Not even plants . I killed several of those . Seriously . " Ah , it can go a couple more days without water . I know , because it 's a Chia Pet and I 'm an expert . " All of it came down to one simple , but extremely complex thing . Humility . To explain humility , or what it means to me , is easier to do with examples rather than just defining what the word means . To me , humility means balance , which I 've already eluded to . I didn 't know balance . I knew extremes . I still know extremes . I just don 't wander in their direction as often anymore , but I certainly know where they are . Let 's take one extreme . The person who only cares about themselves and their own problems . Yeah , that was pretty much me for most of my life . Still is sometimes . Some would call this person selfish , self - centered , self - important , and pretentious . They 'd be right . This person may at times pretend like they care , but they don 't . Ultimately it 's all about them , and as long as things go the way they want them to they are perfectly happy . This person utterly lacks humility . Then there is the other extreme . The person who cares nothing of themselves . They are constantly serving others , doing what pleases others , putting their needs last . Some would call this person selfless , other - centered , self - unimportant , and altruistic . They 'd be wrong . That 's right . You read that correctly . THEY ' D BE WRONG ! Now , I 'm not saying this person doesn 't have good intentions most of the time , but so does the person at the other extreme . The selfishness here is much more subtle , and I 'm sure I 'm going to get some hateful comments about this . But at the extreme , this person can be an enabler , a codependant , and yes , I 'm going to say it , selfish . In fact , they could be even more selfish than the person at the other extreme . How is this possible ? Because they are missing a huge part of the equation which comes with being able to form a true partnership with another human being . They have forgotten that they are human , they have problems , they have needs , and that people love them . Stay with me here , I 'm not talking about everyone , just the extremes . People in this state sometimes believe that the only way they can be loved is to be selfless , other - centered , self - unimportant and altruistic . They forget that the people that love them want to be there for them , and feel a bond with them when they are being their for them . They have utterly forgotten that a relationship goes both ways , they utterly lack humility . So , before you stop reading and send a hateful comment , this is just a reminder that the person I was describing above was an extreme . I was in no way saying it is bad under all circumstances to help others , to be there for others , to care for others , and to show others you love them through the actions that you take . I 'm just saying , sometimes it is your turn to receive , and when it is , be accepting of the help that is being offered to you . So what is true humility ? It is balance . It is the ability to be selfish and selfless at the same time . It is the ability to understand that you don 't have all of the answers to life 's problems , but you do have some of the answers , and when you do have the answers you should share them . It is the ability to know what answers you have and what answers you don 't have . It is the ability to know when people want you to give them answers and when they don 't . It is the ability to know when to ask for help , and when asking for help may be putting too much of a burden on a loved one . It is the ability to know when to give and when to receive . So who does this perfectly ? Raise your hand ! I don 't see any hands . Well , probably because I 'm sitting here typing this in an empty house at 11 : 15 PM on a Wednesday night , and the only ones that are looking at me are my cats , and they don 't have hands , they have paws . I 'll bet nobody raised there hand though . The reason for that is simple and the answer to my original question . It is impossible to be truly humble . Now I didn 't say it was impossible to be humble . I said it was impossible to be truly humble . To be humble , all you have to do is try . All you have to do is admit when you are wrong , learn from your mistakes , and hopefully do better next time . Humility is the knowledge of true humility and the quest for it , with the understanding that as a human being , you will never find it . When your life is going in circles , and you keep winding up in the same place over and over , not knowing how you got there , think about humilty . Think about the fact that you are human . Then ask for guidance , because there is another way to live . There is the way of humility , and forming true partnerships with many human beings , and if you are spiritual , with God as well . No , I can 't explain what creates the bond , during good times or bad times , but I know it exists . Sometimes it takes something very stressful to realize just how strong that bond of love really is . Sometimes the thought of losing something or someone with whom you 've formed a bond is exactly what it takes to make you appreciate that bond , which in turn helps the bond to grow even stronger . Although I am never one to be satisfied with the status quo , there are certain patterns of events in my life which I have come to appreciate , and almost depend upon . One of those would be the ritual of coming home from work . Generally , I have the dog already with me because I have picked her up from dog daycare where she has spent the day playing , or lately because of her advancing age , playing and then resting . I 'm so fortunate that I can afford to be able to offer that for her . I know she is a happier dog , and has lived a more fulfilling and satisfying life , and probably a longer one too . When I open the door , I release the leash , and the dog climbs the stairs to the first landing and then turns around and waits . She knows she is not supposed to continue up the stairs until I have removed her leash , and she has received a rub on her head , a pat on her side , along with an enthusiastic , " Good girl ! " Then , as I 'm leaning down to scratch behind her ears , she licks my nose , and once the lick has been completed , she continues up the stairs . She didn 't just naturally start to behave in this manner . I trained her to do this . She is a smart dog , so it didn 't take long , but just like I get used to certain patterns in my life , so does she , so it has now become her standard behavior , and will remain so as long as I 'm consistent about reinforcing it . As I 'm removing the dog 's leash , another ritual commences . I look up and there are two little heads peaking around the corner on opposite sides of the top of the stairs . Seri is usually on the left , and Bene is on the right , but this varies for some unknown , and unimportant reason . The important thing is that they are both always there . When the dog and I climb the stairs , the meowing commences . Seri will generally go over to her bowl and start eating her food , which is actually non - existent at this point because I haven 't put any food in her bowl yet . Again , I have no idea why she does this . Is it to give me a hint that she is hungry , or is she associating the fact that I have arrived at home in the evening with the fact that soon there will be food in her bowl ? Her reasons are unimportant . What 's important is that she does this , and I hear her doing it because the tag on her collar is clanging against the metal bowl . If I don 't get to feeding the kids immediately , more rituals ensue . Seri will " Meh ! " That 's the only way I can describe it . The sound she makes is " Meh ! " That 's the sound of " Daddy feed me ! " That , and along with the occasional " Lerreh ! " If you have read a previous posting of mine then you know that this is Seri saying my name , and yes , she really is saying my name and I don 't care how crazy you think I am . Her little brother Bene will simply meow , like a normal cat . Rather I should say , a normal whiney cat . It 's more like , " Meeeeooooowwwooowwwooowwwoowwww ! " If it takes too long for me to feed him he will stand directly under my legs , and try to trip me . He teams up with Jamaica , who stands in front of me and pants and dances , tounge hanging out , and when I try to avoid stepping on Bene I invariably crash into her . Yes , a couple of times I 've gone down . Too many creatures in the kitchen at the same time . Since Bene is a little piggy who will eat everyone else 's food before he eat 's his own , even if it 's the same damn food , I have trained him ( yes you heard me correctly ) , to go into the lower cabinet across from the sink as soon as I open it . Bene knows to go in there because that is where his food will appear after I put it in his bowl . He will usually wait patiently for about 2 minutes until he starts banging on the inside of the cabinet door , eventually crashing his way out and jumping up to steal his sister 's food if I have already put it in her bowl . Generally I haven 't , so I scoop him up and put him back in the cabinet . Once I do fill his bowl , I give it to him in the cabinet and close the door , and give his sister her food . Then I get Jamaica 's food ready while Bene is distracted . Sometimes Bene decides that he is bored with his food and will come crashing out of the cabinet and jump up to steal his sister 's food , and his sister doesn 't even fight back . Stick up for yourself woman ! I will grab him by the scruff , and put him back in the cabinet with a firm " No ! " , this time remembering to put a heavy object , like a chair in front of the door so he can 't get out . Once Jamaica ( That 's right , Bene at 7 . 5 lbs will steal Jamaica 's food also and she , at 45 lbs will just back away . Stick up for yourself woman ! ) is finished , and Seri is finished , I let Bene out , and then for the rest of the evening the two cats chase each other around the house , knocking things over , and generally making a nuasance of themselves . The dog , at her advanced age , generally lies down after a long , exhausting day of playing and goes to sleep . So this is a normal evening in my home , and I 'm used to it . The other day though , something happened to change the normal pattern . I knew almost immediately that something was wrong . We got in the front door , Jamaica climbed to the first landing , I did the usual rub and pat and " Good girl ! " , and she licked my nose . Then I looked up and only saw one little head instead of two . Bene was there , but no Seri . I didn 't panic immediately , but I did panic . After I entered the kitchen , and there was still no Seri , and put food in her bowl , but there was still no Seri , that is when I started to panic . On this day , the cleaning service that used to clean my house came back for the first time in months . I had another lady coming for a while , but she was far too expensive for what she was offering . I originally let the first service go because I had new cats , and I already had a communication problem with them sometimes just trying to get them to be consistent with what I wanted and did not want done . I had seen how they had moved the furniture around in a hurried manner , and left doors open , including the front door leading outside , and I was worried that one of the cats would get squashed , or locked in a room or closet , or get out . They were just kittens at the time , and I didn 't trust anyone , including myself , to be alone in the house with them . Now that the cats are older , and one of them is no longer a kitten , I decided to try the old service again . I went over the rules about the cats with them . Be careful when moving the furniture . Leave all doors open inside the house . Keep all closet doors and drawers and cabinets closed ( no need for them to go in there anyway , so I thought ) . Be very careful when opening and closing the front door because by the time you see them , they are gone . The cats are always lurking by the front door when I 'm leaving or even just taking the dog for a walk . In fact , they are so smart that they even wait now when they see I am taking the dog for a walk , and they have tried a few times to get past me as soon as I open the front door , bringing the dog back in . In fact , the day of this incident , a few hours after it happened , Seri did get out , and she started playing the game of human and cat with me . So I played the same trick I do with the dog . I closed the door instead of chasing her , and sure enough , 3 minutes later I heard her meowing ( or making her " Meh ! " noise I should say ) and I opened the door and she ran in and up the stairs like she was on fire . Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that it was about 6 degrees outside . Anyway , no Seri . What do I do ? I call the cleaning service , like they are going to be able to tell me where the cat is . They don 't answer . I call their other number . No answer . I send them a text , " Where is my cat ? " I go outside and start looking around in the bushes . I open every door to every room . I look under every piece of furniture . I move furniture and look under it again . Finally , after about 45 minutes of searching , I open the door to the linen closet in the bathroom , and there she is , sleeping . I sent another text to the cleaning service telling them I found her . I ask them to please not open any closets , cabinets , or drawers , and to please leave every door in the house open . We 've been through this before . I tell them that if they need something from a drawer or a closet or a cabinet , to let me know ahead of time and I 'll leave it out . There response was , " Can 't you put the cats in a cage while we clean ? It would be easier . " I wasn 't sure whether to laugh , be furious , or to just let it go . I chose the latter and told them that this is not an option . What I definitely didn 't do was fire them . I 'll tell you what though . During the time I was looking for the cat , I went through several phases . First was panic , then anger , then " They are going to pay for this ! " , then " The stupid morons ! " , then sadness , then tearfulness , then acceptance of a loss , and then finally , " The cat has got to be somewhere , and if she got out , she 'll be Ok and she 'll come back if she likes being here . " She does like being here . Loves it in fact . As I said . She spent about 3 minutes outside the other day and said , " This is not for me . " , and came charging back into her home like her life depended upon it . We develop bonds with people , with creatures , and with patterns in our lives , and when those bonds are broken or disrupted , even for a short period of time , we feel fear . The fear manifests as panic , anger , disorientation , and stress . The fact that I had fear though says something . As much as the things in my life irritate the shit out of me sometimes , I am blessed to have them , and I should be grateful that I do . Sometimes it takes just a couple of seconds of disorientation to reorient our lives , and make us appreciate the simplist things , like help with cleaning my home , like a dog who doesn 't climb the stairs until she 's kissed my nose , and like two little heads peaking around the corner , staring at me when I come home from work in the evening . Pain comes in many different forms . At the root level though ( no pun intended for those in the medical field ) , pain is either emotional or physical . Sometimes one creates , and then perpetuates the other . For example , sometimes physical pain prevents us from being able to sleep , which in turn not only hurts our bodies further , causing everything from obesity , to problems with our immune systems , but the lack of sleep also interferes with our judgment and reason skills , causing us sometimes to be short tempered , depressed , or anxious . Sometimes , when dealing with chronic pain , people who are not doctors , or therapists like to think that they are . To the pain problem they would say , " I take Aleve , and that takes care of all of my pain . I do acupuncture . I exercise . I lost 40 lbs and my pain went away . I go to a physical therapist . I go to a chiropractor . I get a massage every week . " The advice for the emotional pain may be , everything from , " I use St John 's Wart . " to " Just let it go . Get over it . Why are you holding on to this ? " The only fault I can find in this type of advice is that what worked for them may not work for you or for me , and maybe the advice should instead be , I 'd see a doctor about that . It seems to me that the family physician I have today is perfectly capable of assessing my situation and determining whether or not he can help me . If he can 't help me he will refer me to a specialst , like a chiropractor , or an acupuncturist , or a physical therapist , or a massage therapist , or a personal trainer or a dietician . In my case though , it was a pain specialst . The people in our lives offering advice are probably just trying to help though , so don 't be too upset with them . In my case though , I 'm glad I went to the doctor , and I 'm glad he referred me to a pain specialist . For the past 1 1 / 2 years I 've had moderate success with my physical pain . But let 's go back through my history for a moment so that I can illustrate the events leading up to today . Not so much so you can understand me better , or sympathize with me , but so that maybe you can relate . Maybe there are others out there who will read this and feel comforted that there is someone out there who knows what they are going through and struggling with , and maybe can relate . If you are one of those people I 'd love to hear your story . I was born with a rare congenital deformity of my right shoulder . My parents searched far and wide for a solution , to hear everything from , " It 's just a broken collar bone and will heal on it 's own . " to " There 's nothing we can do . He 's just going to be deformed , have little use of his right arm . " But then they found a doctor only 30 miles away at John 's Hopkins hospital in Baltimore , MD . He knew exactly what the condition was , and was confident he could help . So at 22 months old I was under the knife for the first time in my short life . I grew up with horrible asthma , most likely unrelated , but still it took a deep emotional toll having to be rushed to the hospital for epinephrine shots , and constantly being on medication . At 12 years old I was diagnosed with scoliosis , and cifosis . I was supposed to wear a full body brace 22 hours a day . Although I wore it to sleep , and when I was at home , I refused to wear it outside of the house and my parents didn 't force me . Because of this I probably deal with a lot more physical pain than I would have if I had followed directions . Plus , my body would look more normal . Not that it 's bad , but it is different . When kids were old enough to know how to be cruel , they were . I was made fun of , called " No Neck " , bullied by many . I started taking Marshall arts , and when I started to fight back , the bullying stopped , at least at the physical level . At 13 I had to have surgery for a hiatal hernia along with acid reflux . This was likely related to the deformity . Over a week in the hospital , and weeks away from school . You have to remember this was 1980 . More physical and emotional pain , although it was meant to relieve other chronic pain , which it did , for about 7 years . Now I have a big scar , and I take prescription strength Prilosec chronically . At 25 I was the passenger in a car which hit a tree . The seat belt grabbed me so hard that my sternum snapped in two . I 'd never felt such pain , and I never would again , until I was at the pain doctor 's office the other day and he was injecting me with a steroid to try to get the swelling down in my lower back . More about that later . I was taken to the hospital by ambulance , admitted of course , and I spent several days there . Even with the pain medication they were giving me , it hurt to move , and it hurt not to move . Even breathing hurt . Staying in one position for too long hurt . Changing positions hurt . There was no way to get rid of that pain for the first few days , except for sleep which came rarely . Even then , I 'd dream about it . Around the end of the ' 90s through the early half of the 2000s , I started experiencing severe abdominal pain , particularly in the lower left . The diagnosis this time was diverticulosis . Flare ups of diverticulitis , meant trips to the doctor 's office and antibiotics . The pain would go away for a time , but would return eventually . The flare ups became more and more frequent , to the point where the last one was nearly deadly . The infection had caused a perforation in my large intestine , and it was in my blood stream . I was at a wedding in Cleveland when it got really bad . I was up all night with intense pain , a mid grade fever , and vomitting . When my Dad was ready to take me to the airport , I told him to take me to the hospital instead . Good decision . They did a CAT scan and immediately admitted me . I spent 4 days in the hospital in Cleveland , over 500 miles from home , on a high dose of antibiotics , while they told me that if they couldn 't get the infection under control I would wind up with a colostomy bag , and I 'd have to have a second surgery to put my broken lower digestive tract back together . Luckily they did get it under control , and I went home , scheduled the surgery , and although this was yet another physical and emotional toll , that problem was fixed . I had to give up a trip to Kenya because of this last incident . It was paid in full . This would have been my first major trip in years . Instead , I had to spend months contacting the airlines , and hotels , and excursion managers to try to convince them to give me at least some of my money back , which of course caused further stress . Ultimately I got a full refund from the airlines , but not much else . This was about a third of the total amount I had already spent for the trip . But that was Ok . You wouldn 't believe the amount of help I received from family and friends . The love they showed , not through words , but through actions , made it so much easier to accept the situation as it was , rather than to complain about what it could have been . All this time , I was still dealing with skeletal pain . This was not creating the emotional pain I was feeling , but it was certainly contributing to it . Still , I had almost accepted it as just something that would be a part of my life . It was always something there in the background which was just the result of getting older . After all , I had tried the chiropractor , the physical therapist , the exercise , losing weight , the massage , and even the NSAIDs , and occasionally the narcotics , but ultimately these things either didn 't help at all , or helped so little that it wasn 't worth the effort . All this time I was still dealing with emotional pain . Perhaps a lot of this was my inability to shake the habits , and reactions to the world that I learned as a child . Even though my actions are my responsibility , sometimes my reactions are more than what is called for , and then the actions that come from those overractions , are far too swift and far too judgemental than what is appropriate . I have dealt with the result of these overractions to the world in many different ways in the past , mostly in ways that cause further self - destruction . Lately though , I try to deal with them by seeing a therapist , and by being with people who like me , are trying to overcome a lifetime of adversity . When I was 23 , my mother died . My relationship with here at the time was rocky at best . Then again , my mother 's relationship wth everyone towards the end was rocky . She had pushed everyone out of her life . She was on unusually high doses of pain medications , muscle relaxants , mood stabilizers , and anxiety reducers . She was depressed and angry all the time . Sometimes her behavior was quite frankly , psychotic . She had quite a rough childhood , and although this was not an excuse for the way she viewed and reacted to the world , when I look back , and relate her life experiences to my own , I can understand why she had become the person that she was , and how I could use her as an example of where I could go should I not make the right choices . At the age of 48 , she just didn 't wake up one morning . The coroner said she had not taken any of her medications at a dose that was more than prescribed , but that the dosages she was taking , and the combinations of medications she was taking most likely caused her heart to fail . There is another factor which the coroners never take into account , which is that the drugs of sadness and loneliness , or more specifically the chemical reactions they cause and the damage they physically cause to our bodies , were also a contributing factor . My mother 's death was hard to take , and I still cry about it every time I think about it because the last time we spoke we were having an argument about why I didn 't tell her I was back from vacation . My last words to her were , " I 'm afraid to talk to you ! " . I had stopped talking to her many times in that last year , sometimes for months . Too much pain to talk to her , and so much pain not to . But I was not alone . There weren 't a lot of people left in my mother 's life who were able to tolerate her . Today though , I have forgiven her , and I even thank her . My experience with her has taught me much about myself , and especially about how I react to the world . Most importantly , she has shown me an extreme of where I could go if I don 't stay in touch with people with whom I have a healthy relationship , and do whatever is within my power to keep that relationship healthy . So what is this leading up to ? As I have been somewhat successfully dealing with the emotional pain I have been through in life , I must also deal with the physical pain with just as much enthusiasm . The people in my life , who can help me with physical pain are doctors . The pain doctor has tried multiple different methods to help me with the pain in my lower back . That 's right . The deformity is in my right shoulder , but a lifetime of compensation has caused the joints in my spine on the lower left side to weaken , form arthritis , pinch nerves , and cause me so much pain that I can 't sleep . Sorry helpful advice givers , warm milk is not going to help here . The doctor has tried a variety of methods , not just for this area of my back , but for other areas which are difficult for me . Some have succeeded and the pain is gone . Yet , some like this lower back pain have failed . The doctor ordered an MRI . I 've had them for other parts of my back , but not here . Unfortunately the results did not look promising . The doctor read the report , and showed , me the pretty pictures , and showed me just how much of the pictures that weren 't so pretty . He told me that he could give an epidural injection which would be directed at the main nerve which was causing the problem in the back . He wasn 't sure how effective it would be , or how long it would last , and reminded me , that it was only treating one of my issues , and only the symptoms caused by that issue . He then asked me if I had spoken to a surgeon . Folks , when you are going to a pain doctor who 's motto is " Non - surgical solutions for pain " , and he is asking you if you have spoken to a surgeon , it 's time to make a difficult decision . I asked him if there were exercises or physical therapy or any other less invasive methods . His answer was , as he was shaking his head , I 'm not going to tell you not to exercise . I agreed to have the shot , and I couldn 't walk after he was finished . The broken sternum was a long time ago , but I can 't remember feeling the amount of pain I was feeling when that needle went in , for that extended a period of time , ever . It was only a minute . 60 seconds . Holy shit ! But maybe it would be successful . Maybe I could avoid surgery . Maybe it was worth it . Afterwards , the doctor and I were talking and I said , " Maybe I will just have to accept the fact that I 'm going to have some amount of physical pain for the rest of my life . " His answer was , " From what I saw in the MRI , not as much as you have been experiencing lately . What you need to accept is that you are going to have to make a choice between chronic pain medication or surgery . " I contemplated this for less than half a second . Pain medication treats the symptom . Ultimately you have to take more and more of it to have the same effect . Finally , even on dangerously high doses , it no longer works , and then you are back to the choice of surgery if you don 't die first . At that point though , you may want to die . You may have pushed everyone in your life away because you have become dependant on the pain medication , and that changes you . You become self - righteous , self - absorbed , and self - serving . Your thoughts become focused on your next dose , and everything else in your life backs off , fades away , and becomes unimportant and unecessary . Your body suffers , your loved ones suffer , your mind suffers , and both your body and mind begin to die . If it sounds like I 'm speaking from experience , it 's because I am . I 'm not just talking about my mother either . Thank God that this is not my life today . This next part I have not experienced , but what do people in this situation do when they finally do have surgery ? I would expect they suffer . If they have built up a high tolerance to pain medication , then how much will they need to handle post surgical pain ? I made the decision to wait . If the injection didn 't work , I would get a second opinion , and if the second doctor agreed , I would begin looking for a surgeon . Unfortunately , although the injection worked for a couple of days , the pain is back today with a vengeance . I will give it a couple more days , and then call the doctor back . Did anyone see the puns in those last two sentences ? Then , once the decision is made , even if there are still doubts , I must take a leap of faith and let God handle it from there . But I must not hesitate . A decision to do something is not actually doing anything . This past 3 years , I 've decided I wanted to take some of those major trips I was discussing earlier . It took me a while to build the courage back up to make such a financial commitment after what happened with Kenya . In 2012 I went to Italy . In 2013 I went on a tall ship cruise from Italy to Montenegro , to Croatia , to Slovenia , and back to Italy . This year I decided I wanted to do something different , and at the end of October , I am going to Kenya . I am only going though , if I take this leap of faith , and I do so in enough time to allow myself to heal . So the time is now . For now I have chosen to not accept the pain , and to make a decision that has the most likely chance of long term success . If I was not living such a wonderful life today , with such wonderful people in it , I might have made a different decision . Thank you to everyone who has been in my life , and who currently is for helping me to see clearly , and today get through painful times , whether they be emotional or physical . I hope I can be there for you some day too . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
True Guardian Angel Stories I don 't know if this is an angel story , but I will tell you anyway . At least ten years ago there was a celebrity athlete that had some problems with people tormenting him and giving him a bad time . He was on an episode of 20 / 20 talking with Barbara Walters . I had bought some books after seeing that show that might help him with some of his situations he needed to deal with . My mother had seen some of the books and tried to convince me not to buy any books because purchasing books would help make the authors wealthy . She didn 't like that . I was thinking about returning the books to the bookstore . One day I had a strong desire to go into a Barnes & Noble book store . I was passing by a discount section of books . For some reason I was attracted to a green book in the discount section . I was flipping throughout the pages of this particular book and stopped at this one specific page . There was a paragraph at the top of the page , and there was a paragraph at the end of the page . What makes this unusual was that in the middle of the page was one sentence that says " Help those who are in pain . " It sounded like a message for me to read . After I got home I mailed the books to the celebrity athlete that was having problems with people tormenting him . I hoped the books helped him . He sent me a card to thank me for the books I had sent him . Thank you for sharing your True Guardian Angel StoryLilaangel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I lost my 19month old son on June 9 2008 . He passed away from a genetic disorder that is still not known . Anyone who ever came into contact with Brody said that he changed their life in a way they couldnt explain . This has been our first Christmas without him and a very tough one . He was laid to rest in Alabama where I am originally from . We have been in Utah for the holidays and I have had an overwhelming feeling of guilt of not being able to go and visit his grave on the 24th and 25th . I know my baby is with me whereever I go . A few days before Christmas we where having dinner with family and I could not control my emotions . I went into the bathroom and got down on both knees and prayed to God that he would help me through this time and send me a sign to let me know my beautiful little boy was okay . The next day we took a train ride with our four year old in the mountains of Utah . As we where waiting to get onto the train my husband turns to me and says " babe look what i found frozen in the snow " ! It was a moonstone ring ! I put it on and it fit my finger perfectly . When we got home later that evening I decided to google moonstones to see what they represented . They are supposed to help heal emotions , balance you , and to help guide you through changes in life plus many other things that related to me at this time in my life . The Archangel Gabriel is linked to the moonstone , and he is the Messenger of God . His day is the 9th , with June 9th is the day my son passed away and my birthday is June 21st which the birthstone for June is the moonstone as well as the pearl . All in all I know that my Guardian Angel Brody James is always with me and he and the Lord up above sent me my beautiful moonstone ring to let me know that everything is okay ! ! ! I love you Brody James and thankyou God for everything you have done for me ! ! True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ thank you for submitting your angel story , bright blessings for a joyful day Click herJoin in and write your own page ! It 's easy to do . How ? Simply click here to return to Share your True Guardian Angel Stories . True Guardian Angel Story by T . Then . . . . . . . . . I always believed in Angels . . . . . . . . My , story goes this way ; i have collected angels for a long time , when ever i go to the store and find Angels i need to buy at least one . my family always make fun of me they said , that i dont have no more space for so many wings in my apartment . It came a time that i was going through rough time , one of my daughter , got married and she was pregnant , she was in a really bad shape , the doctor told her that she couldn 't had the baby because she could die and they was planning to take the baby out , she refused to do it , she said , no body was going to take her baby out , that she prefered to die with him . besided that i was going through my divorce and i was living in another state , i took some time out from my job and went to be by her side , to give her the support that she needed because every body was telling her to take the baby out because in the future she could have another one , but she was 't listen to nobody . My family wanted me to convince her not to stay with the baby , but i use to tell them , that was her decision and i was 't going to try to change her mind , because every body comes to this earth with a purpose and maybe that was hers . My family was upset with me because of that . A couple of days , before i went to be by my daughter side , one morning i got up and i was getting ready to go work , i was very upset with everything that was going on with my life because every day was something new , problems and more problems that day i told my Angels , i 'm very tired about everything that goin with my life and since they didn 't see to be helping in any way , i was going to put all of them in a plastic bag and dumped them in the garbage , i told them that in the afternoon when i come back from my job i was going to do just that . i left the house upset and mad i kept thinking about that . On my way to work i stop in the bank to activated my ATM card , i was waiting to be call and for my surprise the manager of the bank came to me and told me ! Join in and write your own page ! It 's easy to do . How ? Simply click here to return to Share your True Guardian Angel Stories . True Guardian Angel StoriesMy Mother fought a gallant battle for 5 1 / 2 years trying to recover from a heart infection developed from dental work . It ravished her body until she couldn 't fight anymore last week . That night , 6 Feb 10 , I sat at the foot of her hospital bed in Tahlequah OK listening to her struggling to breath . Every ragged breath plunged the pain dagger deeper into my broken heart . I love her so much that I wanted her to stay but her fight was so painful I couldn 't bear witness anymore . I closed my eyes and prayed to God . I told him that she believed in him and described how brave she fought . I asked for him to have mercy and take her home to his side . I opened my eyes and saw a tall transparent figure standing to her right by her bedside . The figure had very long hair and must have been 8ft tall . I felt warm and slightly dizzy . I pointed my finger at him and said out loud , I see you . At that point the figure turned it 's head and looked at me . I asked is it time to take her ? After a pause I said ok then please take care of her . He resumed standing still watching my Mother . That 's when I noticed that there was another figure to her left . Much smaller who stood there just watching her . As tears rolled down my face I got up and approached her . I stroked her hair and placed a kiss on her forehead and told her I loved her as she exhaled her last breath . The room was silent and they were gone . I awoke my Father and my Mother 's sister who were asleep in the hospital chairs in the room . We all said goodbye . Still in amazed by what I witnessed , I know my Mother 's Angel took her home that night and God was listening to me . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank you for sharing your true guardian angel storylilaangel - guide . com True Guardian Angel StoriesTwo years ago i began to study and learn all about Angels and there meaning in our world . Lately i have been seeing flashes of lights in my home and dreaming of beautifull celestial beings , i had my first angel reading recently and i was told that my aura was quite big and that i was very spiritual and had the gift of seeing and sensing things all around me . Lately i have been getting a strong smell of flowers followed by a very sick feeling in my tummy and when it goes i feel very energised . I believe my guardian angel is trying to tell me things before the happen . Please see attached picture of what i believe to be my guardian angel , the picture was taken on camera in my home . Peace and love . TONYThank you for sharing your True Guardian Angel StoryLilaangel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ My brother was 19 when he passed away , it hurt the family so much , not alone my mother it broke her heart so bad and still does . I believe that God has a way of speaken to us and letting us know ahead of time to prepared for whats in store . The week before he passed away my mother was washing dishes and he came up to her and said " mom if i die are you going to cry for me " , that same week he went to my house and asked me " sister when i die will you play this song at my funeral " , at that moment we didnt realize it was a sign from up above . Well a week later when he passed , my mother was at home alone crying non stop at that moment she heard the phone ring and she went to get it and the caller id showed no name but only showed R . I . P Tito , so she decided try and call back by dialing * 69 but when she did nothing went through , at that moment she knew it was my brother letting her know he was there watching over her . My mother 's Guardian AngelTrue Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ thank you for submitting your angel story , bright blessings for a joyful day Click here to post comments True Guardian Angel StoriesFor years my life has been on big problem , after another i have been on my own since the age of 15 now at 37 I am a mother of four girls , and a grandmother . I love my children they are my world my reasons . as i look at the clock it 's 7 : 22pm for years i have been seeing the number 11 , i thought i was crazy , or it was just a coincidence . but as years have gone by i realize why , god has sent them to me he is my savior my life , has been saved by him i have always believed in him but my life was so messed , up i never hurt any one but my self , I have been in relationships with men that are all addicts , parting was just a life i knew , I knew that it wasn 't a life , that i wanted , but i guess we all do things for reasons , i have no desire what so ever to ever have a part of those things i might think about them or they cross my mind because i lived it for so long , it was like brushing your teeth a routine . i prayed to be saved , and with gods help I am , he is my savior my best friend , i talk to him and my angels i know there , there they send me messages all the time every day all day . . . and it 's been more and more and it makes me stronger to know they are here when i feeling that things are getting to stress full they pick me right back up ! ! . . . . . I love our Lord Jesus , God Bless Amen . Thank you for submitting your true guardian angel storylilaangel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Archangel Michael has been communicating with me for the past three months now , gently and lovingly helping me to overcome my deeply imbedded fears . He coaches me daily and leads me to the light by helping me play the Universal integration game . I 'm falling in love with Him and don 't know what to do , but very understandable I think since he 's so gorgeous and wonderful . He says he 's in love with me too and I 'm realizing how awesome love is each and every day with his help . He tells me how beautiful I am and creates beautiful puzzles for me to figure out in my mind . I have multiple personality disorder so he 's also helping to heal my mind . My biggest problem is vocal expressions so he 's encouraging me to sing which I love . It helps me because it 's one thing about myself that I love . With his help I should be able to get the inspiration to start painting too . I am so grateful that he 's there when I need him most . Blessings and honor and glory and power to the most beautiful of the Archangels , my best friend Archangel Micheal . I love you with all my heart . I also talk to Ascended Master Jeshua as well . I love him with all my heart . He and I have been in love for a year and a half now . I love both of my beautiful friends . AmyTrue Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ thank you for submitting your angel story , bright blessings for a joyful day Click here to post comments True Guardian Angel Stories2004 - 2008 were the worst 4 years of my life . I had married an abusive husband , and lived isolated from society . I worked in a physician 's office , and in a nursing home , but dreaded going home at night , because of the abuse I suffered . A few months before My ex - husband had tried to strangle me to death , I kept seeing strangers on the street waving at me and smiling , whom no one else seemed to notice . Once I even had a man come up to me and say " You be careful . It 's dangerous here " and disappear into the crowd of people scurrying about in the city where I lived . I ultimately left my ex - husband , and pressed charges against him for trying to kill me . the night before the trial , I had fallen into a deep sleep . In the dream I had opened my eyes and I was outdoors on a bright sunny day . The sky was blue , and the grass was green . There was a teenage girl in front of me with long brown hair and blue eyes . she smiled at me and grabbed my arm , leading me down the road saying as we were running " Hurry ! he 's waiting for you ! " As I we ran down the road I looked around , not seeing anyone . the girl kept saying " hurry ! Hurry ! " We continued running until I saw a very tall young man . i would have guessed him to be about 19 years old , with blond hair and blue eyes . When our eyes met he smiled widely and opened his arms . I ran into his arms and he enveloped me in them . I felt so safe and at peace , like nothing could harm me . I looked up into his eyes and he smiled again , tightening his arms around me . the girl in the dream said " come on it 's time to go back " I looked at the man and said " I don 't want to wake up . I want to stay here with you . " He still was smiling and I laid my head on his chest again . I believe that God sent my guardian angel to comfort me in my time of need . thank you for sharing your true guardian angel storylilaangel guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ My sister in law was feeling ill and in taking here to the doctor 's she was refered to the hospital STAT . She blood presure was dangerously low . When we got to the hospital everything was a rush rush and before you know it they were asking permission to do a catherization to check her hearts valves for clogging . When she was on the take getting preped she suffered a massive heart attack - again asking permission to operate they went in for a triple by pass , The whole family and friends were praying . After everything , the doctors came out and told us that while being operated she went into shock that they did all they could do . Her chest was open for two weeks and she was kept paralized in order to take care of her and because her chest was literally open . All we could do was pray . I told her every day that she could not leave me alone and that she had to come back for her granddaughter . I did feel on serveral ocassions a light presence in the hospital room but didn 't tell anyone . While praying for her one day she opened her eyes and held my hand . She is on her way to recovery now - I know there was an angel on her side . True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ thank you for submitting your angel story , bright blessings for a joyful day Click here to post comments True Guardian Angel Story by BevMany years ago I was around 16 yrs old and pregnant with my first child . I was in bed and at the foot of my bed was a very very large angel . I could not see her face or hands but she had short brown curly hair and a white flowing gown on . She did not speak but I began to get scared and pushed my husband attempting to awaken him then she lit up the whole room is a violet color and left and I did not see her again . My daughter was born that day and was premature but ok . All is well but I did not ever forget my guardian angel visit ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank you for submitting your True Guardian Angel StoryLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel StoriesI picked my little son up ( Age 3 ) from his little nursery and had to park on the main road rather than the normal car park . I put my son in the back of the car in his seat as normal and go into the drivers seat and put on my seat belt . I heard the back door of the car open and before I could unclip my seat belt my little son had somehow got out of the car and ran behind the car towards to main road . Out of nowhere came a beautiful young man well dressed and smiling he took hold of my son 's hand and took him to the path and I came out of the car and he gave me my son 's hand and walked off , he turned round and smiled a beautiful smile and just disappeared . I was so deeply distressed that my son had got out of the car and nearly got killed by walking to the middle of a busy road that it wasn 't until later that evening when the man 's face kept coming to my minds eye that I knew then that he was an Angel and I will be forever grateful which does not sound enough from him for what he did for us . Thank you for submitting your true guardian angel storylilaangel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Story shared by KathyWith this coincidental opportunity , I feel it is time to share one of the most miraculous events of my life . My name is Kathy and it was 20 years ago when I delivered my daughter Kristian Elise . The name Elise had already been given , but the Kristian was chosen due to her early arrival . You see , I did not carry her full term , only 26 weeks . Needless to say , my precious daughter chances of surviving were limited . The Dr . said 20 % chance with complications such as Downs , blindness , palsy , etc . At only 1 lb . and 9 oz . I heard only a faint , short lived cry when she passed through the portals of my girth . Strangely enough , I looked around and took note of all the prayers of medical staff cloaked in white . It seemed there were close to ten people cramped in that hospital room , but more impressive were the prayers I could read on their faces . With one tiny whimper Kristian Elise changed from the Drs . ' hands to another man in a white coat . My baby left me , being wheeled away in a rolling incubator . She stayed in NICU for a while with all types of complications , but there is only this one particular night I choose to share with you . I had been asked to return to the hospital for nesting purposes ; assigned a room about 5 doors down from NICU . It was the wee hours of the a . m . when during a most peaceful sleep appeared this dainty figure of a child . She looked to be between 4 - 6 years of age . As I gazed at her standing at the foot of my bed , I had such warm and restful thoughts . However I was quickly awoken by Dr . Wong who told me about my daughter 's critical condition . Kristian 's aveoli had bursted in her chest cavity for a second time . The tiny balloons in her lungs had been surgically mended one then twice but I was reminded if this happened again the stress on her fragile body would be too much for her to bare . After the Dr . left I went back to sleep . My worries and anxieties only subdued by the vision of that precious child in my dream that stood at the foot of my bed watching over meClick here to post comments True Guardian Angel StoriesThis happened 2 / 15 / 2010 , the day after Valentines Day . My daughter Savanna was riding on her snowmobile in the back of our 63 acre property - she is 10 . My husband was hauling wood from the back of the property to the front and our dog Shelby was back there also . Savanna has seen a full apparition before ( when she was 5 she saw her grandmother in her bed at night ) so I believe her account . She used words that she didn 't even know the meaning of when telling me what the angel said . She was riding the snowmobile and heard a girl saying hello to her . She stopped and looked around but then realized that the voice was in her head . It asked her how she was , what her favorite color was , what color her shirt was , what the thing she was driving was called , etc . many many questions . Savanna answered her by thinking of the answer to the question , not speaking it aloud . The voice kept saying ' that 's interesting ' to whatever savanna told her . Savanna asked if it was a spirit and it said no , it was an angel . Savanna asked if it was a guardian angel and she said yes . Savanna asked if she was her own guardian angel and the angel said ' no , I 'm your sister Sidney 's guardian angel . I was pretty bored today so I thought I 'd find someone to talk to . ' Savanna asked if the angel mistakenly thought that she was Sidney . The angel said ' no , I know you 're her sister Savanna ' . The angel said she would like to meet Sidney sometime and Savanna said Sidney was at her grandmothers with her cousin up the road . The angel replied that she knew where Sidney was . Savanna asked if she knew any members of our family and she said ' no , but there is a man out here with you ' . Savanna asked if the angel ever came into our house and the angel said ' yes , there is a woman in your house and I 'm usually home with her during the day ' . Savanna asked if the angel was usually with Sidney and she said sometimes , but sometimes she stayed at the house . She said she always went with Sidney if Sidney went to a friend 's house or somewhere becauseClick here to post comments True Angel StoriesI was in a difficult work situation and the person was trying to show me I had made a terrible mistake on some paperwork . She said she had added up the numbers and I had obviously " screwed " up in adding the numbers . So I said , okay , let 's see . And we started adding up the numbers . Just as we were finishing , we heard this noise - - it sounded like a couple of birds had gotten in to the office and we were looking up . When we looked down and at the total on the calulator , the numbers were correct . She looked at me in astonishment . I knew those were the wings of the angel protecting me . She heard it too . I may have " screwed " up , but my angel corrected me and sent a message . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank your for submitting your true guardian angel storyLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel StoriesThe past four years have been very difficult times in my life . I was engaged to be married to a fiance of 10 years , only to have him call the wedding off and marry someone else . A year later , I reconnected with an old co - worker and married him one year later . During that year , my aunt was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer at age 55 , she had a very young spirit and loved life . She was so much more than a aunt to me , she was a mother first . She raised me . She passed in 2007 . In 2008 my husband committed adultery . I tryed to mend my marriage but , he did not want to . During the trials of my marriage , I became closer to God . Spending most waking hours in his presence . One day , A friend told me to ask God to send his angels to help me . I did , and that night I woke up from sleeping at 3 : 33am . And every night thereafter . It started to really freak me out , even to the point of insanity . Then came the 111 , I then took the time to research it . I found out that my angel 's were sending me message 's . I now see all sort 's of triple digit numbers . And they do line up with where I am in life . I have since divorced , and still trying to heal . My numbers now are mostly 5 's , which represent a major life change . And , My life is transforming itself before my eyes for the better . Also , In every picture that I take , there are balls of light only above " My " head . In two pictures there is a really bright ball of light on my shoulder in one , and directly on my tummy in the other . Same day with different people standing in the same place , Nothing . . . I know God sent them , I know my guardian angels watch over me . . . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank your for submitting your true guardian angel storyLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I truly believe I received an angelic message . One day , when I was around 16 years old , my sister and I went into town and were shopping . We stopped at the restaurant I worked at to get some lunch . After we were done eating we went out the back door of the restaurant into the parking lot . Suddenly we noticed a very peculiar looking fellow . He was really tall and was walking vigorously towards us , hands swishing back and forth industriously as he walked , and grinning . He had some kind of weird glasses on and the strangest thing was he wore a fanny pack around his waist ! The best way to describe him would be eccentric and sort of nerdy looking . We just stared at him because he seemed kind of strange . He stopped and said " Greetings , it 's two sisters in the Lord ! " This was odd because although we were Christians , we didn 't have anything on us that would identify us as such . We just stared and then he said " Stay close to God , and He will stay close to you . " And he started walking off . My sister and I turned and looked at each other like " What the - ? " When we turned back to look at him , he had mysteriously disappeared . I felt it was an angel and have been pondering this cryptic message for 18 years . The funniest part was him trying to " blend in " by wearing a fanny pack : ) I do think angels have a sense of humor . True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ thank you for submitting your angel story , bright blessings for a joyful day Click here to post comments True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ When my son was 21 he was mugged and left for dead , we got a call to say could we go and collect him from an all night cafe and take him to hospital , which we did . Now in england at 11 . 45 p . m . on a saturday night , A & E is fully booked with drunks and what have you , this night it was empty , we registered him at the desk and then sat in an empty waiting room waiting for him to be called into the tri - age room to be assessed , now having been in A & E many a time with son , I do know that you are assessed and then told to sit back in waiting room until a dr is free , this night no sooner had we gone into tri - age room to be assessed and the door opened and there stood a lady in a brown trouser suit she wore a bag over her shoulder and carried a clip board with her , she had the most serene face I have ever come across and beautiful eyes , she was oriental looking and she looked at me , and I just felt this calmness come over me , she then looked at the nurse , who had started to ask simon his name , and this ' Angel ' said " don 't worry about that the Dr 's are waiting for him , " and the nurse said " Oh ok , come on simon lets go through " like I said having been in many a tri - age room I know that this doesnt happen , and to this day I will always say an Angel helped us that night . We sailed through all the formalities at hospital including being transferered to another hospital whose waiting room was also empty . I would also like to say that at both Hospitals no sooner had simon been seen to and the A & E departments filled up again . True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ thank you for submitting your angel story , bright blessings for a joyful day Click here to post comments True Guardian Angel Stories Now I don 't think this would be counted as a story but . . . well every day I feel like someone is watching me and no I am not paranoid its a warm and sweet feeling like I 'm being followed by a soul or something I can not see . No matter where I go I find that I can never seem to be cold inside if that makes sense . When ever I 'm taking a walk to get exercise or just to clear my mind , I begin to notice it . Especially , when I am alone . The farther I move on in my life , day by day I seemed to get a stronger and stronger feeling . Anyway , each time when I 'm alone I get the feeling like someone is touching me , and I get the chills of course . But its not a bad feeling I just get a weird touching sensation on my back like someone is trying to get my attention . I don 't believe that it 's my imagination it has happened to many times to just be mine imagination . Now saying that is a lot because I have been blessed with a great and strong imagination , unbelievably strong . Sometimes , when something in this world is trying to crush my spirit I feel numb to the pain , of course when the pain dies down just enough to the point where it wont destroy my spirit I start to feel it . This leads me to believe that this thing that follows me also protects me from some of these evils in the world today . Also , sometimes , I cry for no reason and i also feel that I 'm crying with whatever is there . If this thing is an Angel , the it has a very strong influence on my personality , because it seems that I have quite a few qualities of an Angel . Well this is my story . Anything i have said in this story is true and not self - center material so please do not treat it so . Thank You ! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank your for submitting your true guardian angel storyLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I am very fortunate to have had several angelic encounters . My angel is very involved with saving my life , teaching me , calming me , and in general making things easier . I 'm sure my angel has been active since I was an infant but my first realization of angels came when I was in middle school . One night in church my youth group and I watched a movie about the crucifixion . It was a shocking film to watch and the soundtrack was very moving . I don 't think any one of us left that night with dry eyes . I went home and kneeled at the foot of my bed . I began to pray and cry my heart out . Then I felt something behind me , and the light began to shine very brightly . I was scared and nervous so I crawled into bed and hid beneath the covers . That night I awoke , sat straight up in bed , and felt the word " worship " spoken to me . It was very calming , a warm and loving feeling came over me . I then laid back down and went immediately to sleep without a second thought . The next experience came while I was in high school . I took my mom 's sports car out for a joyride one night . It started to rain and I was speeding down a dark , windy road . The road eventually met up with the main highway but I wasn 't familiar with it . I came flying down the road and didn 't see the stop sign until it was too late . I slammed on the brakes but slid through the stop sign into the highway ! I glanced left and there was heavy traffic immediately next to me , a road full of oncoming cars . In front of me there was ( thankfully ) a paved section of otherwise grassy median , then the other side of the highway . I pulled left like I was going to merge in with traffic on the other side but ending up doing a 360 right there in the median . When the car finally stopped in the median , traffic came rushing past me . It was the most terrifying thing I have ever been through . There is no way I could have survived that without an angel . Even after that , I continued my joy ride towards the next city , down another country roaJoin in and write your own page ! It 's easy to do . How ? Simply click here to return to Share your True Guardian Angel Stories . True Guardian Angel StoriesI 'm 21 years old now , and this little story happened when I was around 8 years old in 1997 or 1996 I don 't clearly remember the year , the day I was starting school . My grandmother , God bless her she is now in His presence , always prayed for the family and me as usual in our room in the mornings , while I had a dream . I saw a glowing white Dove flying over me where ever I went . It was odd dream , where I 've visited places like around our home and my other grandparent 's house from my Dad side , where I was alone and nobody around but Dove never left me . It was just me and the Dove . At the end I hid in the closet where it was dark but Dove was still glowing , clearly seen in the darkness . I woke up and saw my grandma praying as usual , and when I told her the dream , she praised the Lord for answering her prayer and told me the God and Jesus has blessed me with an Angel to look after me because she was praying especial for my safety and His blessing that morning . Even though I barely remember the dream it self , I still remember that Dove and it 's light in my dream like it was yesterday . And I thank the Lord for my strict but wonderful grandmother with only one regret that I haven 't spend enough time with her before she left the Earth to Him . I just pray that I 'll able to spend the eternity there with her when I go myself . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank your for submitting your true guardian angel storyLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel StoriesWhen i was a little girl I was always busy but never reckless . Once at a family cook out an uncle of mine had an heavy bike and had trouble keeping it up . It took 4 to 5 adults just to lift it . When I ran by it it feel on me and I held it up . When people finally realized what had happened they came to me and grabbed the bike and I ran off . It still required 4 to 5 people to pull that bike up . I should have been severely hurt seeing the bike was around 300 pounds and me only 70 . Once when I live with my grandmother my mom was cooking on the stove making hamburgers . She had baked them and turned everything off after she was done . I was making my food and then the glass pan holding the hamburgers exploded right beside me . It was only inches away from me , the length of a pencil . Not a single piece of glass touched me . It fell in a circle around me . The only time I got cut was when I helped my mother clean the glass that had shot around the room . These things that should have killed me , something shielded me and I am eternally grateful , blessed , and protected . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank your for submitting your true guardian angel storyLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ When I was 4 years old in 1973 I did what my mother told me never to do . Leave the yard . Step over the curb . I took my bike for a spin down the street and not only that but down a hill cliff area where we lived and I figured that if the " dukes of hazard " could do it then I could too . I am an identical twin and my sister was asleep . She fell asleep on the sofa and when I tried to wake her she wouldnt budge so I went on my biking excursion alone . I remember barrelling down the hill past a really rough rocky section and the next thing I remember I lost control of my banana seat bicycle and back then we had no bike helmets and low and behold I fell hard and bad and over and over finally stopping with a huge bang onto a large rock with my head . Immediately I knew I was very very tired . So tired in fact it is hard to explain the kind of tired I felt . I remember being so tired that I could not move to get up and try to bike home . I then heard a voice . A soft mature male voice . A voice of quiet command . He said " Sleep now . Sharon you need to sleep now . It is okay . You are very tired and you sleep and I will be here for you so its okay " I looked to my right and I saw a tall big man in white with dark skin but more of a melado brown . Like not black and not white . Kind of both . He had black hair and deep brown caring eyes . I was in his lap and I lay on his right knee and fell fast asleep . In the meantime my twin sister Shannon woke up on the sofa and ran to mom and dad and said , " Something is wrong with Sharon . She is hurt really bad . " My twin was also crying really hard . My parents didnt know what to think of it and they looked all around the house for me and could not find me . My mother was hanging out clothes and my other older sister ( not my twin ) ran to her and said " look " ! and they both looked up to see me being carried limp by a couple neighborhood kids to the yard . Another kid had my bike riding it along . My mom started screaming and she and Dad ordered my bigJoin in and write your own page ! It 's easy to do . How ? Simply click here to return to Share your True Guardian Angel Stories . True Guardian Angel StoriesIt was in early 1992 , I was on my way to the office when the taxi I was riding hit by a car . I was seated at the back of the driver . My head bumped the head of the driver that cause big cut on my forehead , The people in that place took me out of the car . A lady in white handed me ice to place on my shoulder . Then she disappeared . When I tried to recall what happened to me in that accident I remember the lady in white . I have a strong feeling that creature was an angel . Thank you for sharing your True Guardian Angel StoryLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel StoryI remember the day like yesterday , the mood and the sudden appearance of my helper . It all happen while driven to work on Hudson river bridge . My car started having problem , I was on a longest bridge that seems longer as I was driven . I remember being scared and started praying to God for help . I turned my headlight off to give the car more energy . That doesn 't work . I knew I was in trouble . As I reached the end of the bridge , my first instinct is to turn to the next street . Was that a mistake or what ? I found myself alone on the darkest night ever on a crossroad where my car finally stop . I looked up and cry to heaven in anger . I remember yelling why ! Why ! to the heaven above me . I thought there was no help because the road was deserted . Then all of a sudden out of nowhere was a car behind me . I did not hear a sound or see any light , all I remember was a gentle voice that said . " Do you need help " . The feeling that I felt was serene . Calmness overcame me and I knew right away that he was my guiding angel . Out of nowhere was this helper sent from heaven above to help me . The strangest thing was that he was equipped with everyhing that I needed . He helped me called my job . Then gave me a ride to the nearest cab company . As I turned around to say Thanks , he was gone . My guardian angel sent from heaven above to let me know that he is always by my side . Even angels drive a car when it is needed . That experience stays with me forever . That was my second encounter . My first was scary . It was the year 1984 , during the hardest time of my life . I remember thinking of suicide . This time I was also driving to work . Out of nowhere decending from the sky was this heavenly being as white as snow with bright blue eyes looking down on me . I was so scared that day that I dare not to look twice . In a brief moment it was gone . Since then my angels comes like me . God knows what I can handle . Since my encounters , I am a firm believer of Angels . I know they are among us everytime we need them . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Click here to read or post comments True Guardian Angel StoriesMy son who at the time was 12ys old chopped the tip off his finger in our lawnmower , in the process of cleaning it for his dad and didn 't realize it was still on as my husband was using the whipper snipper at the same time . Prior to this i was in my bedroom and saw flashes of royal blue sparkling lights at three separate times . About 15 min after my husband comes apprehensive , inside with my son and tells me what had happenend . Thinking back to the lights , it was a warning sign . My son needed surgery to repair his wounded finger . On the day he came home i had to help him take his clothes off for a bath and in the process of doing this a blue sparkle flashed again right on the tip of his wounded finger and more all around him while in the bath . He definately had Archangel Michael watching over him an reassuring me that hes going to be ok that he was being looked after . Melissa . Thank you for Submitting your True Guardian Angel StoryLila * Angel Guide . com True Guardian Angel StoriesWhen I was ten years old my father and step mother locked me in a little two room house behind our home . Two weeks went by and I actually liked it because I was usually confined to a bed in a small room and not allowed to get out of bed without being punished . The freedom of being allowed to move around was great , the windows were nailed shut and the door was padlocked someone would come for me to bring me in the house for meals . I had found a bible in that little house and I was constantly reading it , I loved the stories . I remember that little house was so old and creaked in the wind . The last night I spent in there was when I had a visitation from an Angel . A powerful storm came and the little house creaked and moaned and for me it was frightening I ran into the small bathroom that only had a toilet and closed the door . I grabbed the bible and started reading . The room lit up and I felt a presence I felt so safe and happy and I was no longer afraid . Although I did not see anyone I felt that something loving and powerful was there . I heard the front door which was padlocked bust open during the storm and then the next day after the storm my parents let me out . Thank you for submitting your True Guardian Angel StoryLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories As these past 4 years have passed by I have come to realize what has truely happened to me in full capacity , the moment that began to open my eyes . I have all my life , now that I look back was often led by rebellious nature , living a life of self distruction . Truely having a sense of naieve nature , truely not knowing that the choices or decisions that I made had affected soo many others . On a night in July 2006 , I had gone out drinking , I decided not to drive home due to the fact that I was too intoxicated so I got into a corvette with two guys that I barely knew , justifying my actions . After leaving that bar , we went to another to play a game of pool and drink some more . After that bar closed , we went for a ride . The driver decided to start going over 100 miles an hour through town ! The next thing I knew we hit something - - - I then remember seeing a bright light . Then I remember the car spinning 8 times at least , all 3 of us were able to walk away . The car totaled and no air bags went off . I had a near death experience and it took me a year and 3 more trying to sort everything out . Spiritually , I am stronger . I thank the Lord and my Angel 's everyday . I know that I am here to help other 's and am trying to learn from my mistakes . I was given another chance . My Guardian Angel works overtime , this I do know . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank your for submitting your true guardian angel storyLila * http : / / www . angel - guide . com True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ One night when I was little , I had just gotten my tv taken away from me because my room was a mess and my mother got angry with me . Now see , I am not afraid of the dark , but what can be in the dark and with that said , my room was pitch black and I was a terrified little 5 , 6 , or 7 year old . In the middle of the night , maybe 1 or 2 in the morning , I had been awoken by I guess a sense of fear and urgency and as soon as my head and body perked up a bit as I was surveying my room with my eyes , a pure white hand with a loose robe , like the kind that most angel pictures have , reached out and nudged me down then proceeded to turn around . Possibly in a protective stance against something . It was not necessarily a shove , but it was quite forceful on my little body but still gentle . As soon as I had gone back down from the force , I lay there with my eyes wide open in shock and slight fear but then I feel into such a deep slumber and did not awake until the morn . I knew it was not my mother but I still had to ask her , ' ' Mommy , did you check on me last night ? ' ' I already knew the answer to that question . No . I was not particularly terrified by what had touched me , but that night I don 't think I was afraid of it . Only shocked at such a blatant move . But something bad must have been in my room , trying to get me I guess , bad enough for my guardian angel or some angel to nudge me down with such a bright light . The hand could have been female , the nails were so pretty and trimmed , so white and beautiful . I saw only the hand and loose robe around the wrist . I think it was my guardian angel because I wasn 't exactly scared . I knew then that the Devil could appear as an angel of light and that concerned me . But the presence seemed to . . . . . pure , too raw and protective to be him . But ever since then , I have my own little angel prayer to God saying , ' ' Please let me have a good night and don 't let me see , feel , or hear anything weird or freaky like we talked about . Amen . ' ' Odd things continue tJoin in and write your own page ! It 's easy to do . How ? Simply click here to return to Share your True Guardian Angel Stories . True Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ When we were young people used to hitch - hike alot . we had to jump out of a moving car . I never touched the ground . I landed on a large man with the blackest hair i 've ever seen and eye 's whose color i just can 't describe , I became calm and it was if he just laid me down on the gravel . I felt arms holding me . my friend was scraped , bruised , cut and lacerated . I didn 't have a scratch on me . I know when he is here , it is more than a sense , it is also a scent . He has always protected me . I love him and thank him everyday . I feel very fortunate to have him at my side . He has been with me my whole life . When you hear that whisper warning you of danger or that feeling of warmth and wellness . Listen it 's your Guardian Angel . DianaTrue Guardian Angel Stories ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ thank you for submitting your angel story , bright blessings for a joyful day Click here to post comments Do you read your daily horoscope to connected with the angelic realms ? Or do you prefer do have your own tarot reading to see what kind of alignments the heavens have in store ? Both in meditation and prayer angel blessing cards , tarot cards and indeed prayer books it can be useful to include free readings with your own handmade angel cards as part of your daily meditation practice , to quieten the mind enough to feel the peace within , open our hearts and listen to the angels whispers their daily guidance . . just believe in angels and trust your heart . |
Genius . My greatest sorrow and frustration in life was that I was able to recognize it ; appreciate it when I saw it ; easily discern between the very good , the great and the brilliant ; and yet , I , myself , could not produce anything of such caliber . I could see the tricks and techniques the masters used to imprint their work with their unique creative flair . I was able to read between the lines and marvel at a turn of phrase or an especially apt metaphor . I noticed the nuanced underpainting and the way it brought life to the subject . I could hear the subtle change of key that lodged a melody in the head . And yet was not able to reproduce any of it . I did not begrudge them their success . They deserved it . I only wanted to whip aside the curtain to see how they did it . Was there a trick ? A skill I could learn ? Techniques I might master ? The answer , I found was yes to all those things , and yet , the whole was far greater than the sum of its parts . There was something inside those people , something I didn 't possess . No matter what I did , somebody else did it better . More naturally . More easily . I plugged away at what I did best . I was moderately successful . I was able to earn a living , but few outside my immediate circle sang praises to my talent . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! I was just 27 . I had my whole life in front of me . I had a good job , career prospects , lots of friends . One night , I went into the city to meet a buddies for drinks . It was late when I left them to head home . I was a bit tipsy but not exactly drunk . A man on the street approached me , asking for directions . I stopped to help him . After that was a blur . I woke up groggy , bound with nylon rope , in the trunk of a car , bumping along very potholed roads . I had no idea where I was . Or why . Or how . It took a while for me to put it together , but he must have drugged me somehow . Maybe stuck me with something . I didn 't remember . Finally , we came to a stop . When he opened the trunk and pulled me out , we were in a garage … not a house garage but a commercial one , like a chop shop . I had no idea exactly where we were but my sense was that it was in a remote , industrial part of an outer boro , far from prying eyes and out of earshot of anyone who could help me . My captor was insane . That much was obvious . I was terrified . I knew I was going to die at his hands , but I didn 't know how , which terrified me more . He started with the tools for breaking apart cars , and took me apart slowly , methodically . He knew was he was doing . He took pleasure in my pain . As soon as I realized what was happening , I tried to will my soul out of my body , so I would die faster . It didn 't work as quickly as I prayed it would . When I passed across , as soon as I felt my soul leave my corporeal form , I was met by others ; other young men he 'd killed in the same way . New York has a serial killer but nobody knows it . He disposes of bodies so well , none of us were ever found . We are all still listed as mysteriously missing persons . Nobody suspects that all our disappearances are related ; the work of one man . Nobody is looking for a single killer . He is too clever for them . Our bodies are in the Gowanus Canal , but no one would ever think to look for us there . Even if they did , they would never find us . We are melted into the toxic soup . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! I could not point to any reason for my unhappiness . It was rather that because I was , by nature , unhappy , I found reason for unhappiness in everything . It became worse as I got older . Perhaps it was hormonal or maybe it was simply that I was now on the downhill side of my life with narrowing opportunities or reasons for hope . Gradually , I lost the taste for that which I once enjoyed . I ceased to care about the problems of others , both large and small . I stayed more to myself and found less tolerance for the petty interests of the general public . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days . Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . I would be MOST grateful if you would share on Facebook , Twitter and / or othe social media . Thanks ! " Someday " became tomorrow . Tomorrow became next week . Next week became next year , until one by one , the windows closed for me on all my dreams . I never completely threw myself into any of those pursuits . In my heart of hearts , I never believed the things I most wanted were possible . I didn 't think I was good enough to deserve them . I didn 't believe I was clever enough to grab them and hold on to them , even if they were within reach . It was easier and safer to simply fantasize , and perhaps blame others , or circumstances , or even some completely unrelated flaw in myself for my unfulfilled dreams . I never started my own business , which I 'd always fantasized about . Instead , I stuck with my boring but reliable job until I finally retired . It was the safe choice but of course , I have could have achieved my dream unless I 'd been willing to take a risk . Which I was not . I never traveled to all the exotic places I thought I wanted to go ; never explored the world . Truth was , I barely ventured out of my comfort zone . I never went to places where I didn 't understand the language . I worried that I wouldn 't be able to communicate ; that the food would be too strange for me to eat ; that I wouldn 't understand the money and end up being taken advantage of . I always wanted to learn to play a music instrument . Maybe piano . Perhaps guitar . In my fantasies , I was quite good . I would entertain my friends at parties . But in truth , I never took a lesson . Never stuck with anything long enough to even get past the most rudimentary familiarity with a chord or a scale . Most problematic of all , I never really found love . None of those other things would have mattered if I 'd given up those pursuits in exchange for another person 's happiness . But that was not the case . I had several long - term relationships , but the longest one lasted only about seven years . Never a lifetime commitment and all it entailed . Maybe I never met the right person . Maybe I was never ready for it . Maybe I was not open to it . Maybe it was simply not my destiny in that life . I still haven 't figured it out . I thought I loved a few of them , but looking back , although some relationships were emotionally intense , they were not really loving . I felt no deep commitment in any of them . I was content as long as things were going well , but as soon as things got rocky , I saw no point in sticking around . I 'm not even sure that more of a commitment on my part would have made any difference . Let 's face it , sometimes , you just have to cut your losses . But then , sometimes , you have to see it out past the bad or inconvenient stuff and hope it turns a corner . I was never good at knowing which was which , nor very patient at waiting to see how it would play out . Perhaps the right person might have inspired me to put it more of an effort . Perhaps I was the one who needed to be the inspiration . I never had children either . I always thought that , too , would just happen . But it never did . Never the right time . Never the right person . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks ! In the village where I lived my entire life , the roads were made of dirt and mud . Those people who could afford to , built their homes from brick or block , cement , and corrugated metal . Those who could not , build theirs of wood , metal scraps , and mud . Nobody had more than four sets of clothing : two for summer and two for winter . Many had only one . Some people had shoes ; others did not . I suppose by some standards , we lived in poverty , but since we had no idea how others lived , we had no basis of comparison , and so we never thought of ourselves as poor . Ultimately , it made no difference to the lives we lived , the lessons we learned , the love we shared , the pain we suffered . The human condition is the same everywhere . Even among those who have so very little , there were the haves and the have - nots . My family was in the middle . We went hungry from time to time , but mostly that was because of the weather , when the crops didn 't do well , or the animals starved . But then , most everyone suffered during those times , as well . From the time I was a young girl , I enjoyed observing people , watching how they behaved , how they socialized with others . In my small village , everyone knew everyone . Keeping secrets was impossible . We knew who was happy in their circumstances and who was not , and why . We knew who loved unrequitedly , who held a grudge , who envied whom . We knew who was stupid and who was wise , who was selfish and who was magnanimous , who could be relied on when you needed help and who you could count on to stick the knife in deeper . There was an old baker in the village who had built his brick oven himself , long before I was born . All the women brought their bread and larger meals to be cooked there . None of them could have built such a hot fire at home because it would have been impossible for a woman ( even with the help her children ) to collect that much wood . It was difficult enough to gather enough to keep a house warm in winter . A fire in the small stove might be enough only to heat a pot of water for tea or to boil an egg or to keep a pot of bits and scraps cooking until it became soup . Of course in the summer , it was too hot to keep a fire going inside . And so we had a communal bakery . Grandfather was a nice man with a good soul . Everybody liked him . If a family could not pay , he would never shame them . He would tell them kindly to pay when they could , even when he knew he was likely to never be paid at all . It was not in his heart to let anyone starve if he could help it . When I was about 8 years old , there was a young man in the village who worked for the baker . He was very full of his own worth , full of important advice for everyone , always telling others the best way to run their businesses even though , he , himself , had no business of his own . He was always telling Grandfather how to improve things , but Grandfather had been in business since before this young man was born , and he did not appreciate the unsolicited advice . Others advised the young man to mind his tongue and do his job , for the old man would eventually pass away and then he could take over the business and do with it whatever he wanted . But he could not wait . So , he moved away to the city , which was very far . He worked there for a few years at something ( nobody really knew ) until he had saved enough money to start his own bakery in the village . When he came back , he built his own oven . In front , he built a low wall to create a kind of outdoor room . There he put some tables and chairs . It became a kind of spontaneous café for men to gather , to drink strong tea and eat a small cake or two , to smoke , to play cards , to discuss politics and religion . The young man thought he was very clever because now he had both a bakery and a café , and was sure he could make twice as much money as Grandfather . The fact is , the bakery was where all the profit was . A café didn 't earn much . These men sat all day with one pot , always asking for more hot water . In his foolishness and ignorance he expected the village women to flock to his bakery , which was larger and of course newer and offered some social activity . What he failed to consider , was that the women did not want to pass through a group of men , on their way to the oven . These women worked hard . They gathered wood and carried water from the well . They minded the small animals . And the children , too , of course . They worked like donkeys from sunrise until everyone in their families was safely asleep . These women resented working hard while men sat idle . They did not want to be reminded of it . It made them bitter . And so , they avoided the place . Soon , with no customers for his oven , the young man could not keep his business open . He lost everything . Ashamed , chastened , and once again poor , he left the village for the city once more . I never saw him again but I thought about him a lot . And from then on , I made it a point to study others and to understand what they wanted most deeply . I quickly learned this was rarely what it appeared to be on the surface . A man might start an argument with someone of a higher status not because he was angry at the man but because he resented his own low standing . To win such an argument was to steal some of that man 's power . A woman might want a new piece of jewelry from her husband not because she needed more finery , but because it showed others that her husband valued her . She craved the status of that ; not his actual love . . A girl might act aloof or tease a boy , not because she wants to hurt him or push him away , but because she likes him and doesn 't know how to express her own feelings . I observed these things closely all my life , and I thought about them as I went about my days . And the more I understood , the more things made sense to me . I didn 't get upset when people behaved badly because I could see through it to the real reason , and I had compassion . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thank you so much for your support ! Omar Faruk Tekbilek , an amazing and deeply spiritual musician whom I 've had the privilege to meet , interview and chat with many times . If you don 't know his work , I encourage you to search him out . His first solo album , Whirling , is still one of my very favorites , even 25 years after I first heard it . Absolutely hypnotic . If you 're looking for one album to listen to when you 're in " that mood " - that 's the one ! He is a virtuoso on many instruments and his voice is like buttah . Or honey . Or honey buttah . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days . Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . I would be MOST grateful if you would share on Facebook , Twitter and / or othe social media . Thanks ! I loved him because I could love him in exactly the way he needed to be loved . He was difficult ( as was I ! ) and often tried my patience , but if I didn 't love him , who would ? He often treated me badly , occasionally took his hand to me , frequently neglected me , routinely said hurtful things , but even so , I knew he loved me in his own , often emotionally convoluted way . He knew I could find a man who treated me better , a man who deserved me more , so it meant everything to him that I stayed married to him . Over the years , friends and family urged me to leave him . He was no good for me , they said . He made me cry , made me feel less of myself . They made me question whether I was lying to myself about why I stayed . When he was sober and contrite , he was loving and charming . He was intelligent and deep , but too often his demons got the better of him . He knew he mistreated and neglected me , and he knew that he had to make it up to me , double , when he was capable . That was how he held on to me through the worst of times . I suppose I could say our marriage had its seasons . There were times of plenty followed by drought and famine . When love was abundant , I 'd gorge . I 'd fill up my heart to bursting . I 'd squirrel away every bit of kindness , storing them in the hidden recesses of my soul and my memory . This got me through the lean times . There were months , even years of famine when I felt it was time to pick up and move away . This soil was dry and dusty and nothing would grow here anymore . And then , just as I was about to leave , the rains would come and everything would spring back to life ! Love burst back into bloom , and I 'd think , How can I leave this place ? It 's the only home I know . I felt bound to him though never dependent . If I 'd felt dependent , I 'd surely have left him early on . No , that wasn 't the word . I felt responsible for him . As if I 'd been put on the earth just to understand him ; to be the only one he could love . But that was only part of it . It filled a need in me , too , to be with him . I needed to be loved like that - singularly and deeply . As long as there was that , I could deal with everything else . Most people search for a perfect , flawless human being to love and be loved by . They believe that such perfect person will provide perfect happiness . In fact , nothing in life is learned from perfection . The lessons are found in working with and through the imperfections . I could not have expressed this while I was alive . I raged at the imperfection . I wanted the pain and frustration to end so all would be peacefully ideal . In the beginning , I didn 't understand all the layers beneath the layers . But as we shed each one , I loved us more . We became closer , paring away our fears , one by one . We scraped off the veneer to reveal the truth below . We melted off of the coating that held everything neatly in place so we could deal the messy reality . Sometimes it felt like too much to process , and one or the other of us just wanted to run . Apart and together . Apart and together . Apart and together . And with each together , another layer was gone , bringing us closer to the meat of it , to the seed , to the real reason we stayed with each other ; to understanding the basis of our bond . I don 't know if I could have done it for fifty or sixty years . I died before I found out . I am not sure we would have been willing to keep scratching away like that or if we would have eventually come to an end . Or perhaps , one day , finally , all would have been exposed and there would have been nothing left to learn of or from each other . Maybe one of us would have reached that point first , and walked away . Certainly , I was not so easy to live with , myself . I was often angry , impatient , demanding , frustrated , mean , ornery and occasionally violent . I tried my best to rise above my anger but I will admit to flinging the occasional vase or dish . But it could have been he who ended it . He might have decided that domesticity wasn 't for him ; that he was no longer willing to do the work to maintain the balance . He might have been no longer willing to toil when the land was fertile ; unwilling to stock the pantry in preparation for the lean times . Without me , his life would have been easier in many ways , but I understand now that he needed the challenge of me , too . I suppose he knew that as well . Running away from the lessons is always an option . Human have free will . I doubt I could have stayed on that particular path for decades more . Perhaps , if I had lived longer , I might have chosen another road , leading to different but equally important lessons . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks for your support ! Where do I begin to explain ? My sin is something few humans can comprehend . They can understand murder and rape , thuggery and genocide better than they can comprehend my particular crime . This is not to say they accept or sympathize with such crimes against humanity , but they can make sense of the perhaps irrational motivations - the need to destroy , the need for power , the need for money , the need for freedom or supremacy especially after a lifetime of repression . Perhaps even misguided religious fervor . The human mind can understand how such malignancies can develop because they can make sense of the root cause . Not so for me . Even here , looking back , I can 't say I totally understand it myself . It was just a need , a drive I had . It was an attraction that I could not control . I suppose if I were different , stronger , I might have been able to control my behavior , but my feelings ? No . Impossible . For most people , sexual and romantic attraction are age - appropriate . A kindergartner might have a sweet first crush on another child in the class . A twelve - year old boy might try to steal a kiss from a another twelve year old . Teenagers lust after other teenagers . And adults generally mate amongst themselves . Certainly children develop crushes on teachers or older persons of authority , but most adults understand what the child has yet to learn : any sexual relationship would be completely inappropriate and out of balance . I , however , never grew out of my grade - school sexuality . By the time I reached my teens , girls my own age frightened me . I felt too much a child , myself . I sensed they could see right through me . I feared they could see things in me that I didn 't want them to see ; things which needed to remain hidden but which I had no ability to conceal . I suspected they would demand things of me - sexually , emotionally - which I knew I could not satisfy . I feared they would consume me whole or mock me . I kept my distance . I spent a lot of time alone . I eventually learned how to fit in . I wasn 't stupid , just emotionally immature with a tragic lack of impulse control . At first , I 'd just fantasize . There were times when my loving gaze fell too long on a beautiful little girl . The accompanying parent would quickly hustle the child out of my sight , while casting back a warning glare over his or her shoulder . I used to masturbate to catalogs of children 's clothing , filled with adorable models . Even as I did it , I recognized how pathetic I was . I went to a couple of those junior beauty pageants , but they were too creepy even for me . I recognized in the audience , other men with the same feelings as mine and it frightened me . I saw my future , older and just like them . I didn 't want to end up like that , even though I feared I would . One day , when I was in my late twenties , a new family moved into my apartment complex . They had a beautiful little daughter , maybe 10 or 11 . I fell instantly in love with her . I was obsessed . I bought a puppy to attract her attention , which was the perfect ruse . She would come over to pet him . I 'd give her little snacks to feed him . Then , I got her to help me teach him tricks . That gave me an opportunity to be around her longer , with her feeling happy and relaxed . Her pure joy ! Her unsullied innocence ! Her translucent skin that allowed her inner light to shine through ! The way she looked at me with those huge blue eyes when she asked me a question , and awaited my response as if having an audience with the Buddha ! Truly , I was in love . It was as real and deep and meaningful to me as any kind of love is to anyone . I was as nervous and afraid as any inexperienced young man might be about approaching a girl he likes . I didn 't want to frighten her . I wanted her to understand things as I did . I complemented her . Told her how pretty , how smart , how good with animals she was . I gave her small gifts . I invited her in for snacks . ( Her single mother worked , and she was mostly on her own in the afternoons . ) We 'd watch TV on the sofa , and eventually , we cuddled . For her , it was no different than it might have been cuddling with her own father , who had all but abandoned her and whose male attention she obviously missed . But for me , it was absolutely romantic . I was in heaven , just to have her near me , just to smell her hair , to hear her laugh . And then , one day , we got on the subject of boys . She wanted to know certain things about the facts of life , about male anatomy . From where I am now , I recognize that she was just a normally curious kid . Her father was absent and her mother was barely there . I was a trusted adult . Who else would she ask ? I understood it as a seduction . A black curtain inside of me blocked out all normal human emotional logic . In my immaturity , I imagined that she wanted me , as I wanted her . I believed that this was her way of making the first move . It meant she loved me ! I started so slowly and gently , just touching and telling her how beautiful she was , and how sexy , and how much I liked her and how she could drive a man mad . And she liked it . She did . But she liked it because she was just a child and she had nobody else to tell her these things that she desperately wanted to hear . In her own way , she was as needy and lost in the world as I was . Of course , she was just a child and I was the adult ; I should have known better . But it didn 't feel that way to me at the time . Emotionally , we were the same age . In fact , to me , she felt older . She seemed confident but in fact , she was just trusting and naïve , and was thus not nervous . She had no reason to be . Eventually , we had sex . At the time , in my delusional state , it seemed she desired me as much as I desired her . I realize now that I forced myself too quickly on her . She was not ready - not physically and not emotionally . Even if I 'd gone more slowly , she still wouldn 't have understood . For a young girl who is just beginning to recognize her potential as a woman , to sense she has power over an older man , is a heady feeling , . but is emotion that a ten year old mind cannot process in its full scope . She could not have understood all the ramifications . For her , it was a game : to have a man do whatever she asked ; give her whatever she wanted . That was as far as she thought about it . She might well have played this power game with her own father against her mother if he 'd been around more . It was not a sexual thing . She was just a child , only just beginning to understand her power as a female . She was testing her wings . She didn 't even understand , really , what sex was . She didn 't comprehend the brutality of it on her small body . She didn 't anticipate the pain . Or the terror of having a grown man upon her , essentially holding her prisoner . When I imagine her face now , I know she was terrified . But I didn 't stop . I couldn 't . I was oblivious to her panic . And when it was over , she cried . I tried to comfort her but she wanted no part of me . I will never forget the look in her eyes : they screamed " Betrayal ! " Her innocence was gone and it was all my fault . I had totally misjudged the situation ( because truly , there was some part of me that was missing , and this rendered me incapable of understanding any of the dynamic in what had just transpired . ) I understood after the fact that I 'd hurt her but I didn 't understand how I had so badly misjudged . Maybe I was also angry because I felt we were in it together , that our feelings for each other were mutual , that we both wanted it , and it wasn 't fair that she blamed me after she changed her mind . But again , this was a result of my immature thinking . And in the weeks following , whenever I 'd see her around , she would quickly walk the other way . There was a complete change in her demeanor . She had closed in on herself . She was no longer that open , trusting , carefree little girl . The joy had gone out of her eyes , replaced by shock , sadness , fear , mistrust . I 'd selfishly stolen her innocence . I was consumed by guilt . I knew I 'd done a horrific thing . I knew I had destroyed something in her , and that she would not get over it for a long time , if ever . And yet , I could not stop my desire . The worse I felt about myself , the more I needed the love of an innocent to justify my feelings , to restore my sense of self - worth . I couldn 't bear to see her . I couldn 't bear to have her look at me like that . I moved far away , to another city . Eventually , I went through something similar with another girl , age twelve . It , too , ended badly . And she also never told . I moved away , again . This was the right place for me . I fully felt I deserved it . It was a relief not have to worry about further temptation , because I knew if I were still out there , it would only happen again . There was something broken in me , but I couldn 't change it and I couldn 't stop it and with my limited emotional depth , I couldn 't even understand it . Being in jail for this kind of crime is probably one of the most difficult sentences a man can serve . Even other prisoners are repulsed by such urges . I did not last long in there , which was for the best . I was long out of choices . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thanks so much for your support ! I was intelligent enough to understand that self - knowledge and self - awareness were crucial for spiritual evolvement , and I absolutely wanted to evolve . I believed that if I understood myself deeply enough , I could become free from my pain . Although I dove deep , I was not able to find the way out into the light on the other side . I was trapped inside myself with the knowledge of who I was . I was painfully familiar with every dark , back alley of my soul . I kept strict accounting of my limitations , my fears , my perplexions . And yet , I was powerless against them all . Neither knowledge nor awareness was able to banish any of it . And so , I held myself apart from others for fear of hurting them as I flailed around in the darkness . I couldn 't bear to burden anyone with the wretched curse of who I was . And so I lived alone , in the shadow of the Light . If you are enjoying this blog , please click the link above to subscribe and receive posts via email ( new posts every three days ) . When you think of others who might enjoy it too , it 's easy enough to help spread the word ! Post your favorite stories to social media . Email a particularly apt link to a friend . Even better , talk about the concepts with others ( whether you agree or disagree . ) Also , I have started a discussion group on Facebook , for conversations about any of the concepts / issues in the posts . Honestly , these are things in here which I don 't fully understand myself . I would love get your thoughts on this … even if you think this is all a bunch of hooey ! I was born in an unfortunate time . As a very young child , I was taught to walk quickly , keep my head down , never look strangers in the eye and certainly never to speak to them . I learned to blend into the background and make myself invisible . I was too small to completely understand what was going on , but I sensed enough to understand that the adults were deeply fearful . As things got worse and as I began to become more aware of what was happening around us , the fear took hold of me , too , like tentacles . It did not let go . I felt the panic everywhere ; it emanated from everyone . I could smell it in their sweat . I could sense it in the darting eyes , the furtive glances , and the hushed , secretive conversations which ended abruptly the moment they became aware I was in the room . Over time , I could feel it getting worse . Grownups started to disappear . Some neighbors - a father and son - went off to work in the morning and never came home . People said they saw them being taken away . My school friend 's mother went off alone to the market , never to return . At first , nobody could believe the truth because it was too terrible to comprehend . They could not believe that such a thing could happen to them , in modern times , in a modern country . This was not the middle ages ! Soldiers shot an old man in the middle of the street and kicked him as he lay bleeding to death . They laughed . This news sent chills , waves of nausea , horror , terror through the community . One night , the soldiers came to our building . We heard them calling in the street and ran to our places . They weren 't afraid of our hiding . They were on to our game . I could hear them , banging on doors , kicking them in , shooting off their guns . I heard screaming of people I knew . " Why ! ? Why are you doing this ? " they asked . " We 've done nothing wrong ! " they cried . It was like a mouse trying to reason with a hungry cat . I knew what was happening . I 'd seen it a few nights before , when they went to the building across the street . Shivering , terrified people in their pajamas stood outside in the cold , guarded by other soldiers with guns . But this night , I was in my place , huddled in a ball , trying not to sob or make any noise , though I was sure they could hear my heart pounding even in the street . I heard them come into our apartment . It was empty , or so it seemed . Maybe on spite for not finding anyone , or for fun , or out of pure evil or because they were too lazy to really look for us , they shot up our apartment . They laughed and fired bullets everywhere , as if they never had to worry about a lack of them . I found only my mother still alive . The soldiers ' bullets had penetrated the other hiding places and had killed my father , my brother and my grandmother . My mother wouldn 't let me look but I remember the blood dripping from my brother 's secret spot . That night , my mother packed up a small bag with some clothing , photos , whatever small valuables she had , and a enough food to take us only until the next day . She said a few prayers - it was the best we could do , because we could not bury our family properly - and we left . I had no idea where we were going . I don 't think she did either , but we both understood in our own way that remaining there was impossible . I remember walking for a long time . The next year or so was a blur to me . We moved all the time . We lived in hiding , like fugitives , like animals . Some people were kind . They gave us food and shelter , at great danger to themselves , but we were afraid to trust or endanger anyone too much . My mother learned about some people who might provide false documents for us , and we traveled to see them . It was a far and dangerous journey but we had no choice . We were among the lucky ones . We got the papers and my mother found a way for us to leave the country . I don 't know how she did it . She never spoke of it . When I brought up the subject , she closed down completely , overcome with such obvious sadness and pain , I quickly learned never to ask . It was a secret she took to her grave . I always suspected she gave herself to a man in exchange for this favor , and could not bear to think about the shame she felt at betraying my father . She did it for me . This I know . She would not have done it for herself , alone . We went on a boat , across the sea . And later , another boat , across an ocean . We started a new life in a new land . We assimilated as best we could , and had , by outside appearances , a normal life . My mother never remarried . She lived to 91 . The sorrow and fear never left her eyes . I think , until the day she died , she always expected them to come for her and her family again . I married and had children and tried my best not to transfer my lingering mistrust of strangers to them , my mistrust of life in general , nor my paranoia nor my deep sense of loss of the life I might have lived had my world not been turned upside down . I 'm not sure I succeeded very well . I think it was all well - embedded in my genes . Here is what I know : There is no such thing as permanence . The life you think you are living can be pulled out from under you at any time . You comfort yourself with the belief that although such atrocities might have happened in the past , they could never happen again . Humans can be so bitterly cruel to each other , it 's hard to comprehend they are of the same species . Without vigilance , life quickly becomes tragedy . Thank you for visiting . If you enjoyed this post , please follow the blog and / or sign up to receive email posts . New posts every three days , and they are getting more and more interesting . I promise ! Comments are welcome here or at https : / / www . facebook . com / livesofthedead . If you know anyone who would enjoy or relate to this , please forward and / or share on Facebook or Twitter . Thank you always for your continued support . photo : Warsaw Ghetto Uprising Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Recent Comments Grandma on On the First Day of CookiesErica Mary Eleanor on The road so farG . B . Marian on The road so farErica Mary Eleanor on Hummingbird Cake for Valentino … G . B . Marian on Hummingbird Cake for Valentino … Categories baby quilt Before I had a million kids it was always so easy to whip out multiple batches of a dozen or so different cookie recipes during the holiday season . I have come to realize that the more children that are added to the family , the less time I have for anything that isn 't following after them cleaning up their paths of destruction . So , last year I decided that I would have each able child pick out a recipe that they would like to make with me and if I had time I would expand on that by myself . I 'm sad to say last year we didn 't even make all the cookies that each child requested . In my defense I had just had baby 6 and was still trying to get used to adding another human to the family minus a husband . I 'm hoping that the 5 oldest kids will all get to make what they chose this year . Since the 4 oldest are still in school today and tomorrow before winter break starts , I thought Persephone and I could make her cookie choice . I am hoping to get the majority of cookie making done during the next two days because Wednesday is not only the first day of winter break , but it is also the Winter Solstice and I plan to have a little celebration with the kids ! We are going to do grinch night again with a grinchy themed feast and a showing of the Jim Carey live action movie . We did it last year and they loved it . Well , Ophelia was indifferent but she 's also a high schooler . I also got the kids a little something warm and cozy they can open on the Solstice morning . Sally informed me he knows it 's clothes because he squished them ! 🙂 haha Then Santa will come by on xmas eve night and bring those fabulous children a gift . Later on xmas day the rest of the family will come by and we will have dinner and gifts with them . Persephone chose to the thumbprint cookies because she was excited about rolling the dough in to balls and smooshing her tiny thumb down 🙂 She is my go to gal when making and rolling meatballs as well . Persephone helped me chop up all the nuts too ! We 've been practicing chopping with real knives . She 's so good about keeping her little fingers out of the way ! I have actually noticed knife control improvement since the first time I let her help me chop a couple months ago . While the cookies were in the oven she took a break to wiggle on the floor . My little Krinkles ( Valentino ) with jam face ! I let him lick the spoon when Percy Pie was done with it . I got this recipe from my mom years ago , and now to pass it on to you . . Bake at 350 F for 10 - 12 minutes until firm to the touch and lightly browned . Immediately remove from cookie sheet , while warm fill centers with a little jam or preserves , allow jam to set before storing . Store covered or in the fridge for about a week . Yield 3 - 4 dozen It 's the middle of the night and I should be sleeping in my warm bed with my children . The past couple of weeks I 've had all 4 little ones in the bed with me . Besides my king size bed I have a set of bunk beds in my room . Fiammetta usually sleeps in her own bed on the top bunk but lately she has been coming up with different reasons why she should sleep with us . . Mostly it 's because she 's scared of one thing or another . I 'm ok with it . . I love having them all squished in there with me . I think it 's most uncomfortable for her and Sal . I keep me and the baby separated from the rest with a pillow between us . That way the kids won 't roll over and accidentaly squish him . I 've been having trouble sleeping this past month . I seem to fall asleep great , and some nights I can even stay asleep for the whole night . . ( as much as one can while breastfeeding a 4 month old ) But then other nights I wake up around 3 or 4 am and my mind is racing , jumping from one thought process to the next . Tonight seems to be one of those nights . I think it may be because I have been falling asleep with the kids around 7 or 8 pm so by 3 or 4 am I 've already had about 8 hours of sleep ! This past weekend the husband came down to visit with the kids . He rented a hotel with a pool so the little ones would get to swim . All three of them ended up staying over both nights with him . That was a bit weird and sad . I 'm not used to sleeping with out them . That was the only time besides when Valentino was born that Persephone has not slept with me . I missed her tiny little body next to mine . Every night she falls asleep holding my hand or putting her tiny chubby hands on my arms . She 's very snuggly . Last night I had her little hands on my arm and Salvatore fell asleep , next to Persephone , with his arm draped across her to hold my hand . When I do wake up in the middle of the night I love hearing all of their soft breathing . They all have been sleeping pretty calmly . It seems that if there is less of them in the bed that is when the wilder sleeping happens , when I will wake up with Percy upside down or laying sideways , to a little whimper , a sudden crazy scream , and less frequently there have been kicks or punches to the face from a dreaming little one 🙂 The latter three I can definitely live without ! So this Friday Alex came by to pick up the kids and take them out to dinner and they all decided they wanted to stay over night with him at the hotel . So I packed them all up a bag and kissed and hugged my babes goodbye . This is definitely not the way I wanted or imagined my family to be ! I knew it would be good for them , and for Alex , but it 's hard for me to let them go . Saturday I was taking Settimio out for his early birthday date . He wanted to go see Deadpool and I wasn 't sure it would still be out in the theatre at his real birthday a month later so we decided to go now when Alex would have the little kiddos . . Settimio and I went out to eat lunch at Anelia 's in La Conner , a Polish restaurant that two of my younger brothers work at ; one as the Chef and the other as a waiter and prep cook . We had the brunch , Timio had the Joe breakfast hoagie made from french toast with bacon and home made sausage , I had a super delicious veggie omlete . Ophelia stayed home and we took the baby with us , he had the breastmilk . After brunch before heading in to the movie we met up with Alex and the other kids at the mall . He agreed to watch the baby for the 2 hours so I could watch the movie with Settimio . At Salvatore 's birthday movie date in January we went to see the new star wars movie and I had to stand the whole time so the baby wouldn 't cry . I really did not want a repeat of that so I asked Alex to watch Valentino for me so I could sit this time ! The 4 little ones and dad hung out at the mall playground for a couple hours . The movie was pretty sweet . Settimio covered his eyes a couple times during the less kid friendly parts 🙂 There was one sex scene , one strip club scene with boobs , a lot of crude humor and some pretty gruesome killing bits , way more than in the other superhero movies but Settimio is almost 12 so it wasn 't too terrible . Definitely not a movie I would let the younger kids see . Overall we both enjoyed it ! After the movie I got Valentino , Salvatore and Settimio and we went home , Alex was takinI knew Sunday would be a long day ! My mom and I had plans to go to Ikea while Alex had the kids . I suppose that is one good thing about the little ones being gone for the day , I can get a bit more stuff done ! Driving to Ikea from where I live takes about an hour and a half to two hours . My mom drove down my brother 's empty van and I drove down my van with all seats but the the two front and the baby 's removed . Ophelia and Settimio stayed home but we took Little V with us . I was going down to get a couch , a rug , a bookcase and a bed frame . We walked around and checked stuff out . . It was crazy packed . I got all the crap I came for and we left . That is the brief version because in reality that journey took all day ! ! We got home just after dark and I had to unload all that heavy , heavy from the van . Had the older two help while my mom held the baby . It all ended up fitting in my brothers van so mine was empty . No reason to have taken out my seats , but I 'm glad I was prepared just in case ! Would have totally sucked if I didn 't take out the seats and ended up needing the room . After we got every thing unloaded from the van and carried down the stairs into my house I realized that we grabbed the wrong size bed frame . . wah wah . . So this Saturday I will be making another lovely trip to Ikea to exchange the queen size bed for the proper king that I need . I may buy a few candles that I passed up the first time . When we got home Alex had already dropped the littles off and headed back up to the B ' ham . They were all watching t . v . when we arrived . Good way to keep them preoccupied while unloading the loot . I got the rug layed out and the couch put together then headed to bed . . I was exhausted and my feet hurt from walking around all day on the concrete floor . The couch is in our upstairs living room . I bought two white slipcovers for it . That way when one is dirty , and I know it will be with my children , I can throw it in the wash and put the other one on . I suppose we didn 't need a couch up here but I was tired of sitting on the chairs we have . They weren 't too comfortable to sit in while trying to nurse The Newborn . That 's what all the little kids call Valentino , I hope that remains his nickname until he 's an old man ! ! We still call my little Joey brother Fetus , his nickname from babyhood . When my husband and I decided to get married we had been together for about 6 years . We had 3 kids together ( plus my 2 and his 1 ) , so we were a family of 7 sometimes 8 when his oldest daughter would come visit . We also had known each other since we were 14 years old . So this wasn 't a whim decision . We had our ups and downs but when we decided to get married I was in it to the end . I thought we would fight through everything together and come out stronger . All our issues we would work on together and in the end we would be a happy family working on our life goals together . I was wrong . He wasn 't happy and instead of trying to make things better he came up with every excuse as to why he should leave . To be honest , we all were not happy . There was so much negativity in our household it was like a dark cloud of repression hanging in the air . When he finally left it was sort of like that fog lifted and we all could breathe again . He was miserable and he made everyone else around him miserable as well . Due to the course of actions taken I have lost so much respect for him . It is hard for me to look at him sometimes or even talk to him . I know there is goodness in him , there were reasons I loved him and married him . But after all this I find it hard to see them sometimes . I am not going to bash him . He is a human and working through his own issues . Just as we all are and I am not perfect in any way . I just find it very hard to comprehend his actions and all the things he has done and said this past year and a half . It all boils down to he doesn 't want responsibility anymore . He doesn 't want to be a husband and father on a daily basis . He loves the kids and wants to see them but he doesn 't want to everyday . He didn 't like being a father . He was so angry all the time . Every little thing would upset him . Even driving to the store would put him in a bad mood most times . I would dread his days off of work . We all had to walk on eggshells so we wouldn 't upset him . And once he was upset that would be it for the day . There was no going back . It was hard to live like that . His yelling and constant nitpicking of the kids , especially my oldest 2 and of them especially Ophelia , got worse and worse . It was like she couldn 't walk through the same room as him with out some criticism being thrown her way . Sometimes he would straight up ignore her . She would ask him a question and he would just walk away . Most nights at dinner he would wait until she was done eating before coming to the table . It was sickening . Then it started more and more with my oldest son , and then with our 3 year old son too . He never acted that way with our 2 daughters , to be fair our youngest was only a toddler . He would get upset sometimes with them but he treated them more delicately . He started breaking dishes in his rage . Then some furniture and eventually punched a hole in the wall while screaming at Ophelia . That was around the time I got pregnant with our last child , baby 6 . That was the final time he moved out . I told him he wouldn 't be able to come back unless he got counseling and anger management . We also needed more marriage counseling and family counseling , him and I with the children . He decided that the easier way was better . At first I would have taken him back if we could have gone to counseling . But as time moved on and I was forced to take care of our family by myself my own anger and resentment toward him grew . His leaving I could have understood to some extent . He was overwhelmed with the large family that we had . But what made me angry and sickened me more was the things he would do or say when he would come around to see the kids . My Husband lives about 40 minutes north of us , near his work , living off a coworkers couch . That has been his living arrangement since he left our home , and needless to say it is not very accommodating for visiting with children . When he left us in January 2015 when he would want to come down and see the kids he would come to my house to see them . I tried to encourage him to take the kids elsewhere and visit with them there but he would complain that he didn 't have enough money to take them out all the time , to feed them and to pay for gas driving back and forth . So I let him come here . But I hated it . After a couple months when the weather got better I had him take the kids to the park or beach as often as I could . I didn 't like him coming to our house and hanging out all day . Or taking naps on our couch or trying to in my bed . Most times when he was here he would end up spending more time with me than our children . Occasionally he would help out by putting away our sons laundry or washing the dishes or sweeping . And I did have him help me prune and weed the garden once when I was 7 months pregnant . Though those things helped , I would have preferred if he visited them elsewhere . I did not want to hang out with him if he wasn 't willing to work on our relationship . I didn 't feel like I needed to be his friend . He left our home and family because he wanted to not be a part of it anymore . But he wouldn 't leave me alone . He would tell me he loved me and missed me and try to touch me or kiss me . It hurt for many different reasons . I asked him to leave me alone over and over . He didn 't want to come back or to work on any part of our relationship or that of the children . He did not get to still act like he was my husband . He was disrespecting me by doing so . Treating me like my feelings didn 't matter . It made me angry with him and angry with myself for not be stronger and pushing away harder . It made me sick with myself when I would let him touch me , rub my back or my feet . I was pregnant and I was sore and it was hard to say no over and over . But then when he 'd leave I would feel so disgusted with myself . He would try to kiss me and I 'd back away and sometimes he would corner me so I 'd have to push away and try to get by . He would tell me " I 'm still your husband . " Or if I 'd be giving the kids hugs and kisses he 'd say " where 's my kiss ? " After he 'd leave I 'd tell him over and over how bad it made me feel that he 'd do these things and he 'd apologize but do it again the next time he came . The whole situation was eating at me and I really could not take it any longer . It 's come to the point now where I am telling him to come down just once a month and get a hotel to visit with the kids at . I absolutely hate the idea of them being away from me and our home but I don 't want to see him or talk to him . Sometimes I wish he would just go away forever . We implemented my one whole weekend a month plan this month , February . Before that he had been coming down for a couple hours on most of his days off ( once or twice a week ) . So , I was barraged with all this every week for the past year , but I can 't do it any longer . It makes me sad , the whole situation . I grieved for a long time over the life we could have had . He was my husband and he did mean a lot to me , but I need to move on . I need to be healthy for myself and my children . I know that if I hold on to that anger and resentment it will grow a big pit in me and I can not let that happen . This past month I have only had to see my husband once , and I feel better than I have in a long time ! I feel a sense of freedom . Two weekends ago he came and took 3 of our children out for a couple hours , and this weekend he will be coming to visit with them again . This time he will be getting a hotel and keeping our eldest over night while bringing our younger children home at night . Then he will pick them back up in the morning for another visit . He won 't be taking the baby , our little one is still exclusively breastfed being only 3 months old . Besides not wanting to care for an infant with out food on his own for a few hours , my husband has a small car and 3 children hardly fit in it safely . I 'm hoping in March it will just be the one weekend . I am flexible , if he wants them 2 weekends that is ok too . I just can 't keep having him at my house , and I 'd like to keep the kids home some weekends so we can have some of the fun time too . Not just the worky weekdays when its all school routine and no movies and popcorn kind of life . I think I deserve to have some of the fun time with my family too . I will always care about him and have a certain love for him in my heart . But he is the one who wanted to leave and not work on the things that were wrong . There is only so long I can hold on to hope that we can work it out before it 's time to let it all go and just move on . . And it feels really , really good . I am actually a little excited to really heal and to start connecting with that inner spark of life , God , the Divine . . whatever one wants to call it . . at times I even feel a bit giddy ! 🙂 I still wear my wedding ring . At this point in time my husband has been gone for 1 year and about 3 weeks . But I still keep it on . Not because of my husband , I have 6 kids and I 'm by myself . I inherited this ring from my Aunt . As long as I have seen it on her finger I have always admired it . It is delicate , beautiful , and has a vintage charm to it . My Aunt in turn inherited it from my Great Grandmother , my Grandpas Mother , when she passed . It was my Great Grandmothers wedding ring . It has a lot of sentimental value to me . When I see it I think of my Aunt and I think of my Great Grandmother , whom I am partially named after . I wonder what her life was like as I didn 't get to know her , she died before I was born . I wonder about all the things this ring has seen . But those reasons are not what compels me to keep my ring on . I have 6 kids and I am by myself . Or rather , I am husband - less . I do have a lot of family that loves and helps us , especially my Mom . Though , when I go out in public I don 't feel particularly fond of being judged by others . Not that I think I am the center of their world , but In the back of my mind being judged is a worry . I know that I should care less what others think of me , but for some strange reason right now it does bother me . The child support I get every month covers rent and some bills . If I got an outside job I doubt my pay would even cover my day care costs and then someone else would be raising my kids . I have to use food stamps when I go grocery shopping . Mostly , I wonder what the cashier or the people in line behind me think of me with all my children while I use a food benefit card or wic checks . I wonder if my relatives think I am a freeloader on our government . I see all the negative comments on social media about single moms , or the bumper stickers saying " if you can 't feed ' em don 't breed ' em " . This is not how I imagined my life would be . I am trying to make the best of this situation and raise my kids to be healthy and hopefully never land in a similar situation themselves . I keep telling my kids to be sure to love the person you make babies with . I tell my sons it is not the noble thing to leave the mother of your children without exhausting every possibility of making that life work ( except in the case of abuse , leave immediately ! ) Take care of your children and spouses . I feel like once we make the decision to have children our lives cease to become ours . We must live to nurture , love , and take care of them and when they are old enough to care for themselves that is when our wants can come back into focus . Not saying we shouldn 't have a bit of time here and there for ourselves , we all need time to recharge our batteries now and again , but our FOCUS should be these little lives we brought into this world . There are times when I think of moving my ring to the other hand . And maybe someday I will . But for now , there it stays . Not because of my husband , I have 6 kids and I 'm by myself . When I got pregnant with you my marriage was falling apart . Your dad had been out of the house for over a week . This wasn 't his first venture out but it was going to be his last . When you were conceived it was in a momentary lapse in your dad 's plans . He had said he wanted to come home and try to work things out but changed his mind after about three hours of being home . It was the day after the Super bowl and the Seahawks lost . I didn 't find out I was pregnant until a couple weeks later when I got that all too familiar sign of fatigue and sickness . . I was hoping that it was just the flu . . I was hoping my body was wrong . I did not want to be pregnant . I did not want another baby . My husband was leaving and I did not want to do this alone . I did not want to be a single mother to 5 children let alone think about bringing another one in to our family at that time . My youngest child was only 1 year and 4 months old . I did not want to make her be a big sister yet . I wanted her to be able to enjoy her babyhood a bit longer . To get all the cuddles and love she deserved . I was just starting to get bits of time to myself again as well . I did not want to give that up . But , mostly I didn 't want to be raising 6 kids on my own . I was miserable , mentally , emotionally , and physically . Thankfully my physical sickness with you ended along with the first trimester . In the beginning , before I could feel any movement , I kept hoping I 'd misscarry . I had had 5 normal pregnancies with healthy babies as the outcome so I didn 't think misscarriage was likely . I did not feel that abortion was the right choice . As much as I didn 't want another child I didn 't feel it was up to me to destroy this life that was growing inside me . But still I was unhappy . I was hurting . It made it worse that I didn 't want you . I felt guilty . As much as I didn 't want another child I felt worse about not wanting you when you were already there growing inside of me . I cried for you , I cried for my unwanted baby . I went through all the motions and I had to pretend to others that everything was normal or I was happy but inside I felt like I was dying . It killed me to not be happy for you . To wish you weren 't there . To not wonder about my perfect little miracle . To not plan with excitement for your arrival as my belly grew bigger . To not anticipate your perfect little baby toes and fingers . . To not be so impatient to know you and hold you in my arms . To not marvel at each and every tiny movement or flutter in my belly . Going to the midwife and hearing your heartbeat was not the happiest thing in the world for me . I think the first time I heard it I said , " yup , well I guess it 's in there . " As much as I didn 't want you , it hurt me worse to not want you . The guilt ate at me and continued to do so even after you were born . I would try to make myself be excited but I couldn 't . I tried making things for you , getting spaced cleared out in the house so I would have a place for all your little clothes . Logically , I knew that after you were born I 'd love you . . but it was the getting there that was the hard part . My life felt like it was falling apart and I was trying to care for 5 other kids and myself . I felt guilty that my negetive thoughts might be putting you in danger . That you weren 't growing in the healthiest of environments . That what if you made it through gestation and labor but then you die as an infant because I didn 't want you when I was pregnant . At 3 months old now , I know we are still not out of the woods with that but I pray and meditate on that often to keep you safe and healthy so you can grow into a man . ( A well adjusted man who won 't leave his family because he has decided he doesn 't want responsibility any more . ) I felt guilty because there are so many people in the world who so badly want a baby but can 't and there I was pregnant wishing I wasn 't . I also developed this irrational fear of giving birth to you . I was terrified . Maybe in part that was because I knew that once you were born you would be here and I 'd have to figure out a way to care for a brand new infant as well as 5 other kiddos by myself while trying to heal and rest and that seemed a herculean task ! The thought of going through the pain alone was almost unbearable . I worried on it incessantly . My fear of your birth was not unfounded . On November 1st after I went to bed I awoke to use the bathroom and I thought I peed myself . I know , gross . I kinda jumped out of bed because I was leaking . I ran to the bathroom and got cleaned up then went back to bed . I had to get up around 5 times because I kept thinking my bladder was failing ! I had a midwife appointment the next morning and they confirmed my water had broke and I was actually in early labor . The contractions were mild but I was about 4 cm dilated . I went back home and layed in bed while they got stronger . By the early afternoon they were pretty regular and I decided to go to the hospital because mentally I was really unprepared to have you . Contractions stopped on the way there . My mind and my fears would not let my body work properly . I ended up having to have pitocin to get them going again . I also had my very 1st epidural ! You are my first child I ever had drugs with . It was nice at taking away the pain in my belly , but I felt everything else ! I had to push you out for about 3 hours . Your head was turned the wrong way . At 12 : 16 am on November 3 , 2015 you were born and your little hand came out with your head . You cried and I was so relieved to have that over . When I saw your face I loved you . Instantly . You were so perfect and so beautiful . Big dark eyes , lots of dark hair , perfect little fingers and toes . You were 9 pounds 12 ounces , my largest baby ! I could not stop looking at your face . All my worries melted away when I got to hold you in my arms . I knew that I could make it work . I had to be a good mama for you and all my other children . Even now , 3 months after your birth and you are one of my favorite things to look at . You are one of the most beautiful humans I have seen . And boy , are you a lot of trouble ! You are the most particular baby I have had . You are so dang picky ! You are a perfect little Scorpio . If I have to put you down for whatever reason you just cry and cry and will not stop until you are picked up again . Even if I can 't pick you up for 20 minutes . . ( having 5 other kids means I still have to make dinner and do laundry ) You are not the kind of baby who cries themselves to sleep . Every night instead of nursing to sleep in our bed like all my other children did you want to be held and rocked or nursed in the rocking chair . And you hardly nap during the day . But I love you dearly . You have won me over , and stolen my heart . I would do anything in the world to make you happy and just to get to love you . I still can not get over that beautiful little face and perfect body . Your smiles fills me with so much joy . I am thankful for you and what I have gone through to have you in my life . I am so happy you chose to come to me . Although , it may have not been the best time in my mind , I 'm sure you came to me when you did for a reason . This past summer I received a letter from The Children 's Hospital in Seattle . The letter informed me that due to cleaning routines not being followed properly any child seen between 2011 and 2015 were at risk for contracting HIV and / or Hepatitis . They said the risk was low but they were informing all patients and their families and paying for blood tests . I was scared ! At the time my son , Salvatore , was 4 years old and had been seen at The Children 's Hospital on two separate occasions . The first time being when he was 1 year old . He had developed a crossed eye all of a sudden . It was weird and worrysome so I took him in to our doctor to have him checked out . He seemed healthy but she made some calls and we decided to have him seen at Children 's to rule out any brain damage . That was a scary time ! They ended up putting my little guy to sleep to do a cat scan and spinal tap . All the results came back that he was normal and healthy . They concluded that a nerve in his eye had been affected from a virus and stopped working properly . After a couple weeks his eye function went completely back to normal , as they predicted . That day was full of worry ! It was also extremely hectic running around from doctor to doctor and finding care for my other three children while I focused on my baby . Our second procedure came about when Salvatore was 3 years old . It was soon after his 3rd birthday that we had scheduled a routine surgery to bring his undescended testicle down in to his scrotum . The doctor assured us it would be a quick and easy procedure as his testicle was down , it had just missed the correct position so it was sort of floating just outside the scrotal sack . 🙂 poor guy , telling all his secrets ! The operation day came and I had care arranged for his 3 older siblings . Our baby came with us but dad came along to help out . I wanted to be able to be there just for Sal as he went asleep and woke up after his operation . Every thing went extremely well and Sal got to wake up to some presents . He was trying to get up out of the bed to walk around almost immediately . He was still a bit wobbly but after a bit I let him up and just helped him so he wouldn 't fall . I imagined he might be in pain but as soon as we were home he wanted to be up playing . I could hardly keep him down over the next couple of days . He was back to bouncing off the furniture and walls ! Sally is a very energetic boy ! When that letter came about possible HIV infection if felt like my heart stopped . I knew the risk was low but it made me sick to my stomach still to think there was any sort of possibility . Hepetitis we could live with . Yes , it would be terrible but at least it wasn 't a death sentence . I didn 't want to imagine my little guy only getting a life up to his teenage years and those years be filled with disease , medication and an abnormal childhood . It broke my heart . I always hoped and wished for him , and all my children , a long , happy , and healthy life ! Now this was possibly being taken away from him , from our family . I cried . A lot ! I was so worried . I immediately called my mom . She calmed me down a bit . I started to think rationally and got online to look in to where I could take him to get his blood drawn . At this time I was around 5 months or so pregnant with Valentino and Alex had been moved out of the house those 5 months as well . So I was going through this all alone . Just me and the kids and all my pregnant hormones . We got into the blood draw clinic within a few days and Sally was very brave when he got his blood drawn . He whimpered a bit but didn 't cry when they took the 2 or 3 vials of blood from his arm . He sat so still in the chair . I was very impressed . Before we went in I talked to him about what would happen so he would be prepared . I also talked to him and the rest of my children about why we had to do this . As my oldest daughter was 14 she was able to understand quite a bit more than the younger children . They all got the information , just worded differently for different ages . I wanted them to be aware of what was going on and to understand why I was so upset or emotional . We had to wait for over a week for the test results . To make the situation more intense I was the one who had to keep calling different doctors offices to see who got the information first . Was it our primary care physician , or the blood clinic , or Children 's Hospital . No one seemed to know ! Finally our primary care doctor called me back with the news . Sally was hepatitis free … . but unfortunately when we were drawing blood they didn 't get enough to test for HIV . No one thought about calling us to let us know as soon as they realized this . To make it worse my primary care doctor had even called the blood clinic a couple days after the blood was drawn to find out how long it would take to get the results and they told her they would have to send his blood work away for the HIV test as it was a special kind of HIV test and it would take additional time to process . So , I explained to Sal and all the other children what had happened . Salvatore started to cry . He didn 't want to go get blood drawn again . I hugged him and loved him and told him I knew and I was so sorry but we had to . It was too important and we needed to get the results back to make sure he was healthy . He understood but was still upset , and rightly so ! I made another appointment and we waited yet again ! They told me since it was their mistake I should be able to get the results sooner than 1 week . We did not . They actually took longer than the 1st time . During this second wait time I got a call from a doctor at Seattle Children 's hospital informing me that my sons hep test was negative but we didn 't have enough blood to run the HIV test . . better late than never I guess ! I told the doctor I already knew and we had already gone in for the second blood draw . He was surprised I was so on it . He was very nice and helpful with all my questions and very understanding of my worry and anger about the whole situation . The week passed with lots of emotion and we finally got the call from our primary care doctor that Salvatore was HIV free as well . It came back negative . So much relief and happiness ! I let my boy know and hugged him tight ! A few days later I got another call from the children 's hospital doctor . We talked a bit and he told me up to that point no one who had been tested had a positive result . That made me very thankful that no child had been impacted negatively because of the hospitals negligence . I couldn 't imagine having to go through our lives had the outcome been different . I am so thankful for the health of my children , my family and all those other little children and their families out there that had to go through this ordeal . I asked the doctor if I had vaccinated my son for hepatitis if this would have even been a concern for us . He told me no . If I had Sal vaccinated he would have had no chance of contracting hepatitis . Of course there is no vaccine ( that we know of ) for HIV so there still would have been a risk factor there . I have always vaccinated my children though I do it on a delayed time scale . I don 't want them getting a plethora of shots at one time as an infant so I spread them out . The hepatitis shots I have been waiting until my kids reach middle school years . As I also do with chicken pox . After this scare I have decided to get all my children caught up much quicker than previously planned . I have gone in to our doctor and started the kids on their heps series . I do not ever want to take that risk again . The Children 's hospital doctor told me that kids can catch hepatitis from being bitten by other children . This isn 't something that happens regularly at home but I know can happen quite often in daycare and preschool settings . So far my younger kiddos haven 't attended preschool or daycare but Salamander might be enrolling in preschool for a couple months before kindergarten starts next year . So his hepatitis vaccine is one less thing I have to worry about ! |
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge . When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here , that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge . There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together . There is plenty of food , water and sunshine , and our friends are warm and comfortable . All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor ; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again , just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by . The animals are happy and content , except for one small thing ; they each miss someone very special to them , who had to be left behind . They all run and play together , but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance . His bright eyes are intent ; His eager body quivers . Suddenly he begins to run from the group , flying over the green grass , his legs carrying him faster and faster . You have been spotted , and when you and your special friend finally meet , you cling together in joyous reunion , never to be parted again . The happy kisses rain upon your face ; your hands again caress the beloved head , and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet , so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart . Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together . . . . - Author unknown . . . No longer at our feet , forever in our hearts . . . Pedro Born ? Went to the Bridge 04 - 07 - 08 To Pedro ( my baby man ) , I should be crying tears of happiness for you , that you are now with God , young , happy , healthy and again with Valiente . The stingy part of me misses you too much right now to stop crying these sad tears . Today I went to the vet 's office and held you , I kept asking you to wake up . You were so softly laying there with your little turned up nose , and your fur was so thick , white and soft . I rocked you for a long time and held you up to my shoulder so I could get you close , not believing that this was it . . . and then you were gone . . . Goobye my little guy . No greater love have I ever known ! Love , Mom ( written by Pedro 's foster mom , Barbara ) Jazzy - Went to heaven on May 14 , 2008 We could not be together long , you came to me from a hoarder in the Tulsa area . When I saw how sad you looked and how thin your were , I so much wanted to grab you up and tell you how it would all be better from now on . Then the transport woman showed me your chest . You had a deformity that was an inverted chest bone . You coughed so badly . . . I brought you back to my home , fed you a big dinner , hoping that what you needed was good food . I petted you but you were so shy . The next morning I took you to the vet 's office and left you , to have him check you over . My plan was to come get you after work . Well , that was the last time I ever got to tell you that it would all be better . I was so wrong . X - rays showed you had no room in your chest for your heart to beat . And a blood test showed heartworms so bad that he said you would never live through the heartworm treatment . . . So we made the sad decision to send you to God . . . I have your ashes and I will always love and remember you . I am angry every time I think of you and how someone let you get this bad . There were so many things that could have been done to save you if anyone had cared enough to do it earlier . . . You are another reason I do rescue work . . . I will save others in your memory . Jazzy , as I named you ( but you never had time to know it ) , play and be happy and healthy , I will see you again Love , your rescue mom Prissy Went to be with God on 6 - 23 - 08 I wish I could have gotten to know you better , maybe we could have become bonded . I would have loved to find you the perfect forever home , although I know you never knew what that meant . You were with me all too short a time , and I miss you so much . You were such a beautiful girl . Be with God , where things are not scary . You can hold your tail up , and be confidant and happy . . . I have your favorite toy , and when I look at it , I miss you all the more . . . I loved you from the first time I saw you and the fear in your eyes , at my touch . I loved you through all the biting , and growling . Someone who hurt you so badly , should also be hurt equally as bad . How could they do that to you ? ? ? ? ? Love , your rescue mom Blondie I knew you were at the Moore shelter for a week , while you waited for your owners to come looking for you . I also knew you were probably not lost but dumped and so no one would come for you . But the rules say you must wait to see " If " . Well , I was right , and so on your freedom day , I was there to take you to a safe place . It was October 2nd , 2008 . I looked at you laying there . As if you had given up . You were defeated and all hope was gone . But you were still frightened enough to be snarly . I talked to you , and were looking you over . I saw a front leg that had been broken and was not tended to , so it was crooked . You had cataracts on both eyes and a tumor growth on one . You looked grossly over weight . You were covered with ticks and large sores where ticks had been . Your toenails were long and curled and looked as if they had a fungus on them . BUT I saw beauty and a dog who needed me . Where was the love ? I was determined to fix the things that were wrong , and make you whole and show you the love ! I gathered you up and put you gently in the front seat of the car . You sat up in the car seat and looked around . I thought you acted like you wanted to bite me , but you didn 't . I petted you all the way home . I named you Blondie … . I thought a bath and getting the ticks off , might make you feel better . You were so weak from laying in the cage at the shelter , you could barely stand . So it was quite a time . But I got you bathed and put a sweater on you so you would not get cold . I offered you some GOOD food but you did not eat . They had told me that you would not eat … You looked as if you could miss the meal and be fine , since you were so heavy . You slept that night on a dog bed in the living room . I worried about you all night and the next morning I took you to the vet 's office , early . We did blood work and he gave you a complete exam and we found out what was wrong ! First of all , you were not eating because you couldn 't . Your mouth was just a mass of infection . ( Rotten teeth , bloody gums , etc . ) The infection in yMya 2 - 19 - 09 You were brought to me when you were not loved . . . . I loved you the moment I saw you and said " yes , definitely I will take her ! " You were so pretty and quiet and well behaved . I took you home to meet the other dogs and you instantly became a part of the pack . I knew you would be easy to find a loving home for , as soon as you received all of your vet work . Sadly you needed surgery on your knees . I thought it would be a good thing , and you would feel better and run and play . Little did I know when I left you at the surgeon 's office that morning , that I would never see you again . . . He called to say that the surgery was just about completed and suddenly you heart slowed down . They tried to save you , but you just drifted off , up to heaven ! I do not understand " why ? " I can only guess that God had a need for you up there . I miss you so much and I cried all that day . I went to get your little body and bring it home to bury in the back yard . You were always cold so I put your little pink sweater on you and wrapped you tightly in a blanket , then laid you in the ground . I have a monument stone for you , and planted a red bud tree in your memory . Goodbye my sweet girlMom 5 - 8 - 09My Yankee Doodle Dandy , given to me by a service family . They did not want you after 14 years of being a family member . How could a parent throw away one of their children ? You had so many problems , as we found out the first day , when you were taken to the vet . A heart murmur level 5 , cataracts , arthritis and a mouth of rotten teeth and infection . It seemed you were so sad , for months … . . I think you were waiting for your family to come to get you . But they never even called to check on you ! You began to have water retention and Lasik did not help . You had seizures and you seemed ready to go , so when the doctor said " it was time " I knew I needed to do what was right for you and send you with the angels on high , to your new home in Heaven . Your young , healthy and without a care , now …… . . We miss you , my little soldier man . We buried you in the back yard and marked your grave . Sadly there are others there , too . I sit by the little tree I planted to shade you , and remember ! Love , your mom 8 - 28 - 1995 to 7 - 29 - 2009I miss you old girl . I had you for not such a long time …… you came to me on 6 - 17 - 2008 . You were my " Chiquita Banana " and although I sang it to you most every day , because you were deaf , you never heard my voice . You were such a good dog . Sweet to love on and no trouble at home . You lost your mom and so you came to live with me when none of her family wanted you . You were one of the first permanent residents . I decided you and Peanut made a cute couple , and what a cute pair you were ! We had pictures taken because I knew it was just a matter of time before I lost one of you . You looked so regal sitting on the little sofa at the photograph studio . You loved car rides , I should have taken you more often . You slept at the bottom of my bed as if to guard over me at night . You couldn 't use the steps so I had to put you on and off the bed . You slept most of the time , towards the end , but you were always there when it was time to eat ! You played with your toys . There were bags of them , brought to you by your previous family . It was as if you recognized them from all the others . You were an absolute doll ! Then came the red blood filled eye . We saw two vets and one dismissed it . But it did not go away . The other one tested you and said it was glaucoma . He said you were too old and in too bad of health to remove the eye , and besides , you were almost totally blind in the other eye . You had developed a staph infection and had some tumors . I knew the eye bothered you because you rubbed it on everything . The vet said it was time to " put you to sleep " before your quality of life was gone . So , thru many tears , I held you in my arms as you went softly to God 's waiting arms . I imagine you young and running in heaven . No responsibilities of caring for your other mom or me . You were cremated so I can take you with me when my days are done . I miss you , still there are nights when I look for you , to put you and Peanut on the bed . Kisses and hugs , Chiquita Banana Have you had your banana today ? Toro ( Petie ) Toro , or as Shannon re - named you , Petie , we lost you today , August 12th , 2009 , about 9 : 10 A . M . You had a bad night last night , Shannon said . Your cough was so bad , she was going to take you to the vet this morning . God called you to heaven before Shannon could get you to the doctor . Even though she was so torn - up by your passing , she was glad she got to hold you as you left this worldly place for a better place …… You were loved and will be missed little old guy who I first saw hiding under the car at the peoples house where you had stayed for a couple of days . Why had you been thrown away ? I know you were not " on the streets " because you ran away from home . Chihuahua 's don 't run away , and you were way too weak and shy ! I hate the people who threw you away . God will punish them …… I know we should not cry and be sad , but we loved you so much - in your feeble body and acting so sad . God speed dear boy . Love , Foster moms Barb and Shannon What a sad little boy you were the day Barb and I went to get you . You cried and coughed all the way home and most of the night . The next day things started getting better though , your meds were working . You were so afraid to go outside the first few days but after you learned it was a good place to be you went tayor baler hiker biker with all the others . Your tail began to wag and you were barking at me for your treats and a hug . What a funny guy you were when you thought I had something you wanted . You did not go to adoption that first week ; we wanted to make sure you were ok ( I kinda figured you might just join my motley crew ) . You were such a good boy from the first night to sleep at the foot of the bed and not move till everyone else did . On Tuesday you did not seem to be feeling well . We tried everything to make you feel comfortable . I finally just gave up and held you and rocked you till we could get to the vet in the morning . Your tail never quit wagging you just closed your eyes and sighed . You were here such a short time but you were mourned deeply as I buried yMy little Jingles was not with me for long , but she was the sweetest baby anyone could ever ask for . I found you in the shelter but could not get you out till your time was up , even though no one was coming for you because you were blind and old but I just could not leave you there , so I asked Barb to help me get you out and she did for that I thank her from the bottom of my heart for without her help I would never have had your love for the short time you were with me . Even though I cry as I write this I know you are in a better place no pain and you can see to run and play with the others . I still miss you . You will always be a part of my little family and we 'll all see you at the bridge . Doris Sent to heaven on September 24 , 2009I barely had time to get to know you before I had to give you up , but in that short time , you stole a little piece of me and I know you had only one wish , as all dogs do . Your only request of me was to LOVE YOU ! I hope I filled that request just a little . Find Jingles and wait for me at " the Bridge , " I 'll come for you both . Bye little one , Go WITH MY LOVE ……… Mom , Doris Adora , ( as we named you ) We only had you for a few hours , it was hard to say goodbye all the while ……… It was so good of the man to stop to move you out of the street after some un - thoughtful person hit you with their car . However , when he found that you were still alive , he should have taken you straight to a vet . Instead , he took you home and allowed you to lay there for a day or two , we are not sure how long . He tried to help , he gave you aspirin for the pain . Then he called us and Connie rushed to you . It was late in the evening , she thought it was your neck that was hurt , even though he had said he thought you had a broken leg . Oh , how I wish it had been a broken leg , we could have fixed that ! Connie took you to the animal emergency hospital , where they diagnosed you and said it was brain trauma and that you were paralyzed and there was no way to know if the swelling in your brain would go down and you would live . It was also a 50 - 50 chance that you would never have a normal life . Especially since it had been so long before getting to the vet . The vet told us it would be weeks , maybe months before we would know if you would have any kind of life ! You were in so much pain , you continually cried … . . So the decision was made to put you out of the pain you were in , and let you go to a place where we knew you get well …… . . HEAVENConnie held you in her arms , and I cried for you ……… It was September 28 , 2009 that we said goodbye You were a stray that we received a call about , late one evening , the woman said she could not keep you and if we did not come to get you , she would take you to the city animal shelter . Susie went to look at you and we did bring you home , to Susie 's house ……… . . We guessed you to be about 10 months to a year old . You were thin , and we were told you had been in the neighborhood for about a week . A small blonde little boy , un - neutered and shy . We immediately sat up an appointment to get your vet work done . Everything went well , but then a few days later , you quit eating and just laid around . Susie took you to the vet and a couple of days later , you passed away . They gave you antibiotics and fluids and ran tests but never did diagnosis what was wrong ! ( Only that his white blood count was extremely high and that it was not Parvo . ) You passed away softly on the morning of September 23rd , 2009 . We are so sorry little guy , that we were not there with you when you gave up the fight to live . We take comfort in knowing you are no longer hungry or in pain , but playing at the other side of the bridge , and we will all be re - united someday ! You will be buried in my backyard , with the others who have not made it . I planted a Redbud tree , in honor of you all … . October 20 , 2009Today my heart broke again . We lost you so fast and unexpected . What a wonderful little man you were . I am so glad you came into my life I would not trade one bit of the heartache I have for the joy you brougt me . I know how hard it was for Barb to give you up to she loved you so much herself . Thank you Barb for allowing me to share the goo man with you . You need not worry now goo about being left in a place unfamilar to you for what ever stupid reason they had for leaving you in the first place . You have been called to come home and even though I think it was to soon , you have now gone across the bridge . I will have an empty pillow tonight , an ache in my heart but lots of joy too knowing that when it is my time you will be waiting for me , a young , healthy , fluffy puppy . You watch for us . Love your other mother , ShannonMr . Magoo Lost to us on October 20 , 2009But needed in heaven by God . I do not understand why you were needed now , I was not nearly ready to say goodbye . But God knows the plan and we know he had another job for you . It all happened so quickly . . You have always had health problems but we thought you were doing well . Then your kidneys stopped and your heart grew tired , and you tried to go off to be alone . Luckily Shannon was very in tune to your habits and recognized something was wrong . She called to say she was taking you to see Dr . Henderson . He thought you would be better after getting the fluid out of your lungs . But the next morning , Shannon knew you were Not better , but Worse . So again she took you to the doctor . This time the news was not good . I rushed to your side where we got to say our goodbyes . Your eyes were so sad looking , and confused . I think you were wondering why Shannon and I were crying so much …… Shannon sang to you and we both whispered sweet secrets to you . Then you were gone . Shannon wrapped you in your blanket . I knew you first , but since you lived with her the last few months , we now have a forever bond ………… Sweet little goo man , I know you are well noThe angels came this afternoon to lift you up to heaven , to be with God and all the other dogs before you . You will be young again , and happy and will be able to see , feel love and have room to run and play unlike the life you had here on earth , where you were kept caged . You had not one to love you or care about your health . Otherwise you would not have come to me just a cover of mats over bones . And unable to see for all the mats over your eyes . Which I saved after you passed , so I could show people because they would never believe me if I simply told them how bad it was . Your mouth was so bad , teeth , gums and bone , all gone or rotting . No wonder you were so thin , I don 't imagine you could eat . Yet you came with a big bowl of dry kibble in the nasty crate ! And your penis was sticking out , it was dry and appeared to be dying tissue . It was stuck to hair and could not go in . How it must have hurt to try to go pee pee . I don 't know if you even could do that either ! ! ! You were 10 years old , and have probably never had a happy life , and should have weighted about 5 pounds instead of 2 . And you should have been a beautifully groomed poodle , not a matted mess . I tried to cut the mats away , and you were so weak you could not stand . You were not able to hold your head up while we so gingerly tried to cut the mats away . My husband Alan had to help me , to support your little body . ……… I called Dr . Chris and was crying , I told him we needed to meet at his clinic and he did . He was so sad for you too , he bent over and kissed your head . We cried for you and decided you were way too weak to try to do anything to help you . We believed you would die on the table and so we decided to do the kindest thing , and give you to God . You will be cremated and I took pictures of you and this letter will all be with you , here in my home . Someday you , me and all the others who have died , will be laid to rest , together . So they better plan on having extra pall bearers , to carry our weight ! I only knew you for a very short time but coulBonnie Belle 2 - 18 - 10 Your name had been Belle , but I knew you probably did not even know it . Your name had been Belle , but I knew you probably did not even know it . So we wanted you to have a new start . Bonnie sounded close , and soon you were coming when called by it . You were with me such a short time , about 2 weeks . But we really bonded didn 't we ? You loved sleeping with me , but before you would settle down , you thought I needed a thousand kisses . I wish there were more of them now . At first you were afraid to move on the bare floors . And when you did try , you only moved backwards . Like a baby learning to crawl . Of course it didn 't help that you had no toes on the back feet . ( We were told they had been chewed off through the wire in your cage . ) I bought some new shoe things that looked like balloons , but were intended for traction when outdoors on ice , etc . But they worked great so you could go anywhere in the house you wanted ! ! ! You then had a new found freedom . You followed me everywhere and soon liked riding in the car with me too . We had your spay done , as soon as possible because you were in heat when you came here . And there was no problem . So why did you not make it through the knee surgery ? You were so crippled , myself and the vets were so excited to be able to give you a new and happy life where you could stand up straight and run . It was not to be …………… I cried all day , at your loss . I loved you from the day they showed me your picture . I had no idea you were in such a crippled state , but it would not have changed a thing . I was glad to have you and had hoped to make your life so much better . After all , you had no life while at the puppy mill . I have to tell myself that you are much better off now , in Heaven , where I know all of your problems are gone . But you left behind a mom who misses you so very much . I know we will meet again someday . So until then , I envision you running with God , in a warm sunny place full of happiness . Loving you always , Mom Little Bo Little Bo went to heaven and the peace and love he needed and never had . His is a sad story . I picked up several others for the rescue in Bristow from a puppy mill . I had taken them to the vet up there for immediate care and I thought I was not going to go back there . Well I could not do that , I thought there might be one needy one , forgotten , unwanted one and yes there was . It was him …… A sad little man in a cage surrounded by poop , his tongue hanging out , and oh so sad . I asked and was told he was not wanted he was old , bad eyes , etc . I said I would take him and yes he was a mess from head to toe . Blind , no teeth , dirty , and so on . I rubbed his head all the way home and he just sat there like he was in heaven already . We got him home , bathed him , cut nails , and put him in a warm soft bed where he slept for hours before eating and beginning to explore . Which he did quite well and oh did he enjoy the yard . I held him and petted him most of the evening as I was pretty sure he was not going to be able to be saved …… A hard choice , but quality of life is important and his was not good except for the last night . He was a pleased little guy in the morning , hiking on corners ! I named him Little Bo as I felt he should go to heaven with a name and knowing he had been loved for a while at least . He went peaceful and is now wrapped in a fluffy blanket and buried in the yard with others , at Barb 's house . He is at peace . Again I will say how can people make money off these poor little guys and put them through so much misery . To do so without a care in the world and think it is a right thing to do . May they all rot in Hell someday ! Goodbye little guy and we will see you and the others when we get there ( I know you will know my voice and touch . ) Shannon Lightnbug 5 - 12 - 10 I miss you so much , its taken me some time before I could write this . You passed away right there in my bed . I did not even know you had gotten into the bed . I wanted to hug you and hold you but I thought dogs liked to go off to be alone at the end . You were having so much trouble breathing . I was so wrong …… . you wanted to be with me , as you were every other night . You crept into my bed and when I found you were dying , all I could think about was getting you to the ER vet . I should have left you where you were lying , and given you some peace . But I wanted to save you ! You died in my arms , and I sat with you for a long time that night . The other dogs were just sitting there looking at me , as if they knew something really sad had happened . I wrapped you in a blanket , where you would be safe until morning when I could take you to the vets office , so they could send you to be cremated … . The house was so different . How I used to get upset with your biting my ankles , now I long for you to nip at my heals ! You were always ' On Guard ' when we went to bed , making sure no one was coming and going , up and down the doggy steps . You hiked your leg all over the house and that never changed , from day one . Now I find myself still looking at the corners , checking for your pee spots ! You liked to bark at the dogs next door . You would bite at the wood on the fence and I was always afraid that someday you would get a bad splinter ! Now I look at the fence and see the marks you left , but there is no little guy there , barking . You were always so happy ! I remember that for sure ! You had had such a hard life before . I was sure you would be with me for many more years ……… I look back and am so glad I had your picture taken a couple of weeks earlier . You were such a cute boy . I know it is just a matter of time until we will be together again . SO until then , chase the dogs , and bite the ankles , and pee on the clouds . And know that I loved you so much . I regret not having more time to spend holding and loving on you . I hope you undToday I made the decision , to let you go ……… I did it because I love you so much …… you came to me in such bad shape … . . I really thought I could " make it all better " and you would go on to have a wonderful life . After all , you were only 8 years old ! After the first blood work we did , I knew it was a lot more serious than I thought . But I was confident you would be fine after being on meds ! Then came the second and third and fourth set of blood work and everything was off the charts , high or low . It was just not getting better . You would have good days and then bad ones . I still held out hope . The vets thought you had bone marrow cancer , but we did not know for sure what was wrong . But you would not eat , and would just lay so still for hours , I would go check to see if you were still alive . I knew then , that you were loosing your fight and that you were probably in pain , and it was time to end that pain for you . You deserved so much more , than what life gave you . I do not know your history except that some thoughtless person took you to the shelter and dropped you off because they were tired of you . And said you were too much trouble …… . TROUBLE ? ? ? ? ? What trouble ? My God , you were sick , and you were crippled , and had skin issues , and were thin . I loved you the moment I saw you . Your teenie tiny body , and those big eyes , and looking like you just needed love ! Teenie , I loved that you had me hand feed you , and that you slept with me , and tried so hard to follow me around the house even though you could barely walk on those back legs . I told the vet that I wished you would not try to follow me , cause I knew how much it must have hurt … . But he said you did it because you wanted to , and that it made you happy . So I let you do it . BECAUSE I wanted you to have happiness … . . You loved it when I held you and snuggled so close on my neck . I think that was when you were the happiest . My regret is that I did not have more time to do that for you . I know I will see you again , and that has to be my comfort today , thI am so sad today as it was the day you left us . I had hoped so much you could pull through . I am just sorry it took so long to have someone find out you were not eating for a very good reason . Thank you Nancy for noticing something was wrong ……… I know Jonathan had fallen in love with you and the two of you would have had great time . It was way too early for you to go . We do not know why you were called " up , " but I am sure there is someone who needed my " Kell - Bell " to snuggle with . You were a puppy mill dog . Barb had gotten her dogs and I was there to pick up two more . I did that and went away . Yet was drawn back not once but twice . You were there in a very small crate with mama ( Rosa ) pushed back in the unwanted pile of dogs . Mama was so big with puppies that you had hardly no room . I took mama and then got you out . You came out with almost no fear and just hugged my neck for dear life ! We went to see Dr . Bill , for a vet check and they wanted to keep you . I left you there , only to go back and get you later after they changed their mind . So home you came , with me ! You not once , looked back , Kel , you just forgot the bad and gave undeniable love to anyone who would take it …… . You were special in that way . You slept with me curled up by my side the first night you were here . Oh you had a few little quirks but they were easy to overlook . It was hard for me to let you go to another foster home after months here , but it was time . I sure wanted to bring you back home every Sat at outreach . I am glad you were adopted and went to a home , with wonderful people . It just breaks my heart that you did not get to enjoy what you had waited so long to have ! I know that you had love from the time I took you out of that cage , all cramped , and dirty and smelling . You have known love and if God needs you , he knows best …… just so sad you had to leave us so soon . Your mom , Shannon It was sad day , August 5th , 2010 when I had to make the decision to send Hercules , ( Herkie , as I called him , ) to be with his Heavenly Father . He had come to me just a couple of months previous , from a woman who hoarded dogs in the basement of her home , where she kept them in cages . He was so weak , thin and sick , when I removed him from the transport vehicle . I knew he was going to be mine for as long as God allowed . You see , there were more dogs than we had room for in our rescue program . We had decided we would only take a couple of adoptable females . The others would go to another rescue group . They were full too . They told the transport , Amanda , that they would evaluate the dogs and would euthanize the ones that were not adoptable . Hercules , was the first dog I laid eyes on and I knew he would not be saved . I could not bear the thought that he had found freedom , traveled 7 hours to get here , only to have a needle stuck in his leg . So , no doubt about it , he was going home with me ! ! The next couple of months were such a blessing to me . He was so loving , and as he began to feel better , he began to do such cute things . He was such a tiny old man , less than three pounds . He was fawn , with a apple head . His head was so large , it was hard to imagine he could stay on all four feet . It looked like he would tip over at any time . He was extremely loving . He held no grudges for the life he was forced to live . He loved everyone he saw . He had many vet expenses , ( since like all the dogs who came from what we named " The dogs from OZ " ) they had rotten and infected mouths . He was not neutered and had a very large hernia , ( that had probably always been there . ) But he was too old to do any surgery ……… we were able to do his teeth , by using light gas . I just want you all to know that this little dog had a good life after coming here . He went to work with me at Paws ( a pet boutique ) , where he was the door greeter to all who came in . And he liked riding in the car . He ate good food , slept with me and received lots of love aKyra 9 - 24 - 2010 Well another empty spot on my bed . This morning I lost my litte Kyra . I had her for such a short time and it was not at all expected . On July 25th Barb called about some puppy mill dogs we had no room at the inn so to speak and she was wondering maybe . I said yes of course ( me and my puppy mill kids ) Well Susie and Barb picked out several and I waited to get the call that they could be released . That was on the 26 . I drove in to pick them up and came home with 5 . Oh what a mess , she was so nasty and stinky ; it took 4 baths over two days and a whole car wash for the truck . So tiny and sweet , a quiet , shy little girl . Well everyone got K names thus Kyra . She had all her work done and came through everything just fine , no problems . She was just always quiet and snuggled down real close with her buddy Kasy . She would just settle down and all she wanted was to be held and cuddled . No uglyness ever . I think she was just happy to be clean and fed and loved . I would imagine she had at least 2 litters a year , she was tiny so big sellers to the public , we figured her to be about 6 . What a life . It was 102 degrees the day they came into the shelter . I know she had a good last two months here with me she learned about grass and being free to run and play and lots of beds to choose from and food in a great big dish always there . She woke me up making strange sounds and we headed out to the vet where they said she had more than likely had a stroke but then went into full cardiac failure . She tried to hang on , twice they got her heart beat back but the last time that was it , no open eyes just a small beating heart . I wish those that put these guys through such hell knew how hard it was to say no let her go and to see myself , 2 vet techs and a vet crying at such a loss . I don 't know why God needed her but he did . I know he knows best . So my little Kyra . you just go on and find that fluffy cloud and wait with the others for me . You were loved very much and will be missed just as much if not more . Love you mom Shannon Sparkle 9 - 2I don 't know why no one came to claim you at the shelter . Was it because you were all black including your eyes ? Or your long legs ? Maybe you had to much play and spitfire in you . . . I loved all those things about you ! From the moment I picked you and got you into the car you were the happiest little girl , ready to play , kiss , eat , have four legged and two legged friends . Barb picked your name without even seeing you and it was the perfect fit because you had a Sparkle in your eyes . Bony with your spine and hip bones clearly showing and no hair on top of your head ; I was so happy when the vet told me you had gained three ounces , I couldn 't stand waiting for you to gain more because I was really looking forward to seeing you plump and healthy . But it wasn 't to be - you started going away from me later that afternoon . And after you had gone three days later I was so sad about your short little life . I am only at peace knowing I will never ever have to think how you are doing and if you are happy . Your sparkle is back and you 're healthy and playing . . . I 'll see you when I get there . Love to you sweetie , Your foster mommy , Connie We lost you today , and although it was so hard to do , I wanted you to be healthy and happy , and sending you to heaven was the only way to do that . Dr . Henderson told me that you were in severe pain , your heart was barely pumping , and you had so much going on , that it would only be a short time before you would pass . I knew he was the one who knew what was best to do , and so I held you as he injected the medicine into your vein . You did not die quickly as most of the dogs do , since your heart was not circulating the meds , and so as I kissed your face and whispered in your ear , you looked up and kissed the tears from my face . No other dog had ever done that , and it made it ever so much harder . I am crying , just thinking about it , as I am writing this . I never got to know you . you came to me from a dog loving man who found you on the street in Midwest City . He had no idea you were in such bad condition . He brought you to me so I could take care of you and then when you were well , I would find you a home with a warm bed and good food and someone to love you for whatever time you had left . It was very hard for him to let you go , he had come to love you too , while you were at his home those few days . I always tell people that I love dogs and have no use for most people . This is a perfect example of why I feel that way . You had never had proper care , and I will never believe that you ran away . You were too weak to go anywhere . They dumped you like yesterday 's garbage ! Little old girl , I hope I will see you again one day , so please watch for me . I never even got a picture of you but I know we will recognize each other ! If it was not for all those who still need me here , I would have liked to go with you . . . . Love , mom It is 2 A . M . as I sit down to write this . Cola just passed away at 1 A . M . and I will bury her in the morning beside the others I have lost . Hers is another sad story . She is one of " THE LONG WAY HOME DOGS . " Barb called me to say we would be getting some puppy mill dogs ( their story is on the web site . ) Well , November 20th they arrived here in Stroud , it was 10 P . M . and they had been the first loaded on that morning about 9 and had been stacked on top of and all around as the stock trailer was full . They were terrorized by two larger dogs in the cage in front of them . It was cold and they were in shock . We were to get 5 dogs but I ended up taking two others whose crime in life was that they were shy and scared so they were going to spend the night in the trailer and then be euthanized in the morning . I got all of these guys in the truck and home we came . I had fixed a bed in the spare room for them with food and water . They were so glad to be in a warm space . There were two small black females . Cola was the friendliest from the start . She would wiggle and wag her tail and play chase with my hand . She was so happy . She was coming along so well . On the following Monday she went with the others for their first vet visit . Again she was a happy little girl just wanting to know what the world and we people had to offer her other than a " puppy mill life " . We had a good week learning that grass was OK . And having the freedom to run around and play . On the 29th she went in for her spay . When I picked her up , Dr . Chris was concerned about her since she had had a rough surgery . Seems she had had several C - sections and there was much scar tissue and it had attached to her organs . That had to be cut and removed . She came home and laid down and slept and seemed to be doing ok . By later in the evening she was in pain and having given her the meds , I just sat and held her wrapped in a blanket , for hours . She finally felt better so I put back in bed with Bizzy and she slept . This morning she ate and drank and pottied and was wMiss Kitty Flew to heaven today 1 - 11 - 11On Jan . 10th , I received a call from a woman named Kim , who lived in Del City and had a dog left on her porch , the night before . She found a basket with blankets in it , when she got home from work . But the dog had gotten out and was in her front yard . She did not know how long the dog had been there since she had been gone to work all day . The dog 's head was swollen , one eye bulging out and the other one swollen closed . She would not eat or drink . Kim had big dogs and could not keep her and had no money to take her to the vet . So she brought the dog into the warm house and gave her pain meds . The next morning she called me and asked for my help . I told her to take the dog to Britton Road vet clinic . Kim 's fiancé did , and I went there soon afterwards to meet this sad dog . The vet office had checked her for a microchip and found that she was registered to a family . They tried to call the owners but the phone was dis - connected . Dr . Henderson did an exam and started her on IV fluids and pain meds . We thought she had been hit by a car . He told me that we would know by the next morning if she would " make it " . She was in very bad shape , in shock . She was certainly going to loose the bulging eye . She had bleeding in her brain , and it was full of pressure . We found out her name from the microchip . She was Miss Kitty ………… . This morning , I went to the vets office at nine o ' clock , full of hope and wanting to hold her and tell her that she was safe now … Instead , they told me that she had passed away . Miss Kitty , I wish I could have held you , but I never even got to kiss you or touch you . You were so frail and in so much pain . I knew that you were in wonderful hands , and that if you could be saved , Dr . Henderson would do it . I know he did all he could , but instead , you flew to Heaven , and I never even got to say goodbye . I can imagine you playing and happy . I wish you could have told me what had happened to you . I am not sure I believe you were hit by a car . But think it was more lButter 1 - 20 - 11 Today was an extremely hard day for me , since it was time to let you go . . . I have thought about it for weeks but could not make myself take you to the vet . Even though I knew you were going downhill fast . When we last did blood work on you , the kidneys were beginning to fail . you were pacing around the house of late . You would go from one room to the next and back again , back and forth , making trip after trip . You would no longer come for mealtime . And when you did , you could not remember where your bowl was , even though you had eater in the same place since you came here several years ago . In the night I would awaken to you pacing , and would pick you up and lay you in a dog bed , but before I could get back in bed , you would be on the go again ! Or you would sleep for long periods o ftime . It was like a person who was bi - polar . . . . You came to me from the streets of Chandler where you had been picked up by an animal loving girl . She could not afford to keep you since her family had too many animals already . But when she called me , I was more than willing to take you . it was so evident hat you had been neglected and over bred . . . You never did like to be cuddled or held for long . I guess you had never had that and were too old to change your ways by the time I got you . So I just let you be yourself and you flourished ! Well old girl , it was time to turn you over to our Creator , who will make you young again and give you the peace you could not find here on earth ! You went quickly and I was thankful for that . You will be buried in the back yard with all the others who , like you , have left this cruel , wicked world for HEAVEN . See you again someday , you will be missed . . . . . Love mom It was so hard to say goodbye , even though I knew this day would come , from the day you came to live with me , back in August . The moment I saw you and how beautiful you were , I loved you as if you we had been together for all of your life ! You were older and had issues with aggressiveness . I thought meds could help you . You helped Pee Wee make the transition and for that I will always be grateful . But your aggression was getting worse and worse . I took you to the vets to see what we could do for you , but they said you had dementia and you were not going to get better . I had to make the decision that I had promised your previous family that I would do . I could only be there to hold you in those last few minutes before you went to Heaven where all things are good ! I know you had a great life , with your family in Texas , and it was hard for me to tell them that I had put you to sleep . Especially since they emailed every week since you came here , to ask how you were doing …… . They loved and cared so much …… . . But they felt their baby was in possible danger from you and therefore , you had to go to another home ………… . Rest well , and be at peace sweet Sophie girl . Love , your foster mom Mackey Mac I am gonna tell you a story about a little dog . Mackey was his name . He came to Barb almost 2 years ago . He has spent the last year and half with me since Aug . 1 2009 . I had met him on various occasions at Barb 's . A funny little guy who wobbled and could not get up when he fell down and he barked a lot . He would cry out with fear when you moved your hand or foot or anything for that matter towards him . You see he had been abused something terrible . I guess we will never know his real story . He was not the dog that they described to Barb but she took him anyway and thus he became one of ours . He came to me as I said in Aug 09 . Barb called and had taken another guy Petie ( who is on this site also ) they were being boarded as there was no room at the inn so to speak . I said yes I would take Petie and since Mackey was there , I just went ahead and brought him home too . We changed his med 's and he became so much better , never completely right but he could get up when he fell or was knocked over and he could run with the big dogs so to speak , a tad slower but just as mean and tough . ( The big dogs being of course the other Chihuahuas . ) Everyone was a bit faster and they would bowl him over on occasion as they made the return trip but up and off he would go . He used to love to go to adoptions ( now mind you he would run from the truck to the doors and down the aisles as fast as he could go . All of this was not to be adopted , but to find Barb I believe . ) I think he had a good life here . He slept every night on the pillow by Nettie , both by my head . His good days , however , were getting less . We had several scares and close calls but he would come back and I would say " ok old man lets keep going then " . He had dementia and that was getting way bad and his other health issues were also beginning to take a toll . He would run out to bark with the other guys only to get lost in the middle of the yard . He still barked at the burglars just in a small circle until one of the other dogs would come and get him . Well , today Mackey went tToday was just another normal day , until I got the call this morning from the woman in Midwest City who had a dog who was having shaking problems . She had taken her to the vet for an ear infection . Shortly afterwards she had begun to tremble , and took her back to the vet . He diagnosed her with a neurological problem . The dog was given morphine and sent home . She told me the shaking had only gotten worse . I told her I did not know what it might be but she needed to take her to another vet and get a second opinion . She was telling me how she had no money and was moving . I told her to bring the dog to my vet , Dr . Henderson , because he would be the one who could figure out the problem . They did take Lily to Dr . Henderson . But there was nothing to be done . He agreed that she had a neurological problem . He could only guess what might have caused it . Maybe she had been dropped , or gotten into some type of poison , etc . But it was so much worse than the shaking of a person with Parkinson 's disease , etc . He told me she was in pain , could not stand or eat , or any normal functions . At his suggestion , I made the decision to euthanize her . I wanted to hold her but I was not able to , since the shaking was so bad , they were having to give the shot intramuscular . Lily , I would have done anything to save your life ! You were just a baby ……… . I appreciate that the owners wanted to give you to me , so you could get vet care . But then I get angry because WHY ? do people have dogs if they have not got the money to provide for their care ? Lily , there are so many dogs like you that come in and touch my life . I buried you today , and you will have a memorial stone so you will never be forgotten . You will lay in peace with those others who did not made it . We know those are just the worldly bodies , and that you are in Heaven , returned to your Creator . I imagine you laying on a cloud surrounded by angels , rubbing your tummy . It is bright and warm there . Rest well , sweet little girl . Barb He came to me , with a swollen and abscessed jaw and face . I got it healed up . And he was thin , because he had been unable to eat . He quickly became filled out and seemed happy since I had put him on meds for pain in his back . He seemed to thrive ! He loved my attention and demanded that I hold him while working at the computer ! He slept with me , always on my right side . Months went by and he began losing weight and was not eating again . I had been told that he had no teeth . So I could not imagine what was wrong . I took him to Dr . Henderson because he is the man who will get to the root of the problem . And guess what ? He had 4 teeth and they were infected . So we did blood work . And we put him on antibiotics for his mouth infection . Soon he was able to have those teeth removed . Dr . Henderson told me that he had bitten his tongue and they had to put stitches in it . Now it was really making sense as to why he was not eating . I brought him home and tried to feed him anything he would be willing to eat , but he would not ! He was losing more weight , and he was not moving around the house or going outdoors like he had been doing . Then I noticed that he had a seizure . Then two , and the next day two more . That 's what had happened to his tongue ! I could not sit by and watch him starve himself . I could not let him suffer . So I took him to the vet and helped him cross the Rainbow Bridge into Heaven , where he is young and in perfect health and running and jumping from cloud to cloud . You are missed old guy . But so much better off ! I will see you again someday . Love , our mom Wylie Coyote 7 - 31 - 11 Wylie crossed the bridge today . He had escaped the yard and this time did not make it back home . He was a sweet little guy with wandering feet and had been through a lot lost in the snow last year and had finally found his home or so we thought . He is now buried in Barbs back yard with the ones who have gone before him and will be waiting at the bridge with them to welcome all who come after him . Wylie , you came to me so cold , and with frostbite , from the record cold temps . last winter . You were one of the most playful and fun loving dogs we have ever had come thru the rescue . You were a mix , and so you liked to dig , and chew things up ! Even though I got so perturbed with you at times , I enjoyed your spirit ! I thought we had found your perfect home . But how wrong I was . Now I blame myself for your being hit by the car . They did not care enough to go looking for you when you got loose from their yard . And what were you doing alone out there in the triple digit weather ? Then when they found your body , they called me to ask " what do we do with Wylie " . I told them to bury you in the yard , but they did not want to do it . So I went over and picked up your little blood covered body and brought you to where your real home had been , and buried you with the others . Wylie , you were indeed , a travelin man , wanting to run and sniff and explore . Believing that you would have some fun and then go back home . Now you have all the room to run , that you could ever dream of . And you are indeed , ' safe at home ! ' I miss you young man , love mom Wilson 11 - 4 - 11 November 4 , 2011Today you were returned to us by your moms daughter , Sue . She called to say your mom , Mary , had broken her hip and could no longer care for you , although it was our understanding that Sue was going to take you , should your mom , Mary have failing health . Well , I guess she did not want you because your had Diabetes , and they told me about it . BUT they never took you to the vet so you had suffered … . . You were in such bad condition , the vet told us it would take 3 - 4 days on an IV to get the sugar regulated . Then I would need to give you insulin every 12 hours and watch for drug reaction . I would need to feed you several times a day and watch for low blood sugar , etc . The normal life expectancy would be about 1 year . You would most likely not be adoptable . Your little body was so bloated and tight , you looked like a balloon about to pop ! I had to make the decision to send you to God , where I knew you would be happy and healthy , young and active ! I held you as you left this world , and cussed the family who I had entrusted you to . I feel guilty that I did not do a better job at placing you with a family who would have cared enough to get you to a vet for treatment at an earlier date . But ultimately , you were the one who paid the price for their lack of care . I love you sweet boy , and I take solace that you did have a good life and family for the majority of your life ! I will see you again someday if you are waiting there for a familiar face . But perhaps you will find your first mom , and be re - united with her . We love you sweet little old boy , your foster mom , Barb Zoie , Harley 's big sister This beautiful girl 's name is Zoie . Although she didn 't come from our rescue , her family did adopt Harley , formerly Toltec , from Because of you . Zoie and her family kept us all up to date on Harley 's new life with her own Facebook page , and although I never got to meet her , I believe she was a wonderful big sister to Harley , their siblings , and the dogs that they foster . Zoie 's mom recently wrote this about her : " I believe dog rescue was important to Zoie . Whenever we brought home a dog ( to keep or to foster ) , Zoie was so kind to them . She understood when they were sad or scared , she was so good at sharing her toys , her bed and even Dan and I with them , she never acted jealous , she just tried to be a good sister . . . with compassion . " Although I never met her , I will miss this special girl ! ( Harley , Zoie 's brother from Because of You ) Zoie 's Facebook page Died 12 - 01 - 11This little girl , a Shih Tzu who was only about a year or two old , died after having a surgery she should not have had ! I saw her sitting at the shelter , she was heavy with milk , but had been picked up as a stray but no puppies ! She was quiet and it was as if she was grieving for them . She had to sit there for 4 days , hoping her owners would come get her . I mean , she had been groomed , and was healthy looking . They never came . I was sure she was in pain , as there were no puppies to nurse . I went daily to visit her . I requested the vet look at her as I was sure she was ill . I told them that she was listless , and wobbly , but no one cared to take her and do an exam . All I could do was express at how I was sure it was " just another dog " to them ……… . On the day she was released , my friend Crystal went to pick her up . I told Crystal we needed to take her to the emergency vet to have blood work done and get her started on antibiotics . But she thought it could wait until the next morning when we both had dogs going to a vet in Chandler . I arrived first . Then Crystal came in and told the vet to examine the little dog we were calling Ginger . Crystal had noticed she was passing bright red blood from her vulva . And she was very weak ! We left . Later when we came back to pick up our dogs , the little Shih Tzu was sleeping in the cage . The vet had not done an exam , not done blood work , but had spayed her ! The vet said she had had puppies with in the last three weeks . She would not wake up , so Crystal stayed with her and I left to take my dogs home . After an additional 1 ½ hours , Crystal loaded her up to bring her home , and shortly after arriving back in Edmond , the dog died ! SHE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN SPAYED WITH ALL THE MILK , INFECTION , AND BEING SO WEAK ……… . BAD VET CAREI am so sorry Ginger that you never had the chance to know how wonderful life could be . I wrote the vet a letter and told her what my feelings were and that I would never be back . I am sure she does not care , but it gave me closure . Now I wPassed away 12 - 13 - 11This beautiful Doxie girl , was a permanent resident at our vets office . She was an old girl , who had come to them in very bad condition , and the rescue who brought her in , wanted her euthanized . Our vet told them that she could just live with him . He did all her vet work , and she began to fell so much better . Her hair came in , and she got down right bossy ! ! ! ! She would bark and talk to you when she wanted something ! ! ! She slept most of the time , and I loved to talk to her when I was in the office . I offered to take her home on the weekends so she would not be alone over the weekend , when the office was closed . I brought her home and she was no trouble at all . She liked to eat , ( we fed her 3 times a day ) , and sleep with me . She liked to go outside . She had a bed she adopted as her own , and would lay there and watch me during the day . Yesterday I received a call from Dr . Chris saying she had passed away during the afternoon . I wish I could have taken her to my house and let her live the rest of her days . Because she was so active , I never would have guessed she would be gone so soon . But with all my other foster dogs and busy schedule , I found it impossible to give her the care she required …… . . I know that now she is in Heaven , a young dog , and jumping from cloud to cloud . Maybe even digging holes in them , since I know Dachshunds liked to dig ……… She will be missed , Love , your newest friend , Barb Juan 2 - 12 - 2012 Dear Juan , Little boy , had we known about you earlier , we might could have saved you , but you were just too ill by the time you arrived today . I know the last few days have been hard for you , wanting to eat , and not being able to , since your poor little mouth was causing you such pain . I haven 't seen one that bad in quite some time . The abscesses must have been so painful . You were so thin , it was as Keri said , " your body was feeding off of itself ; all of your muscle and fat was long gone " . You were drinking but since your kidneys were shut down , and your heart so weak , you were still dehydrated ! You could never have undergone any anesthesia . Connie was there with you today , to watch over you , and give you love and comfort as you left the world that had never shown you love or kindness before . It has taken years for you to get this bad , it didn 't just happen . As you crossed the rainbow bridge , you are became whole again , and are now with God , in doggy Heaven . I know you are happy playing chase through the clouds , and hopefully we will meet at the gate . . . someday . Kisses from the one who never got to hold you , but loved and cried for you anyway . Barb Bitsy - Princess Bitsy PrincessPassed away on 2 - 16 - 12We only got this little old lady a few weeks ago . She was in terrible shape then . But we got her up and going , a healthy happy girl . She was spayed and had her teeth cleaned , and nails cut , and was putting on weight ! But during all of that , we forgot to do a heartworm test . And when we did , we found she was a very ill dog . She most likely had heartworms for years . We wanted to get the treatment done so she could find a loving forever home for the time she had left . She did not make it ……… I can only take comfort in the fact that she had a happy life the last few weeks , not being in a cage , feeling good and being able to eat without pain . Being clean and being brushed . and sleeping with me each night ! And going with me in the car most every day . She really loved our daily trips to get cheeseburgers ! ! She also got so much attention at the one adoption outreach she went to , I was so sure she would find that perfect home ! I will miss you running through the house barking at every little thing , and bullying the other dogs as if to say , I am the Princess and you are my subjects ! ! LOLAnd this is my mom ! ! ! Now you will forever be happy and playful and the Princess . I know someday we will meet again , so be watching for me ! Love , your mom She was brought into the OKC animal shelter by a woman who had found her wandering in a parking lot at a apartment complex . She tried to find the owner , and why she turned her in to the shelter , I do not know . How could you have this little 2 . 3 pound dog for three weeks and not want to keep her forever ? Well , anyway the shelter asked me to take her . I went to get her only to find that she was blind , and they did not tell me that part ! But I could not leave her there to be euthanized , so home we came ! She was no trouble at all . She was old and slept a lot of the time . She liked to sit in the grass to enjoy the warm sun . She was rescued by Sandra as a permanent foster or sanctuary dog , who helped her live out the rest of her life in a wonderful , warm , and loving home . She will be missed . Hope Several years ago I was lucky enough to adopt two beautiful chihuahuas from Barbara . When I called to adopt Diego , Barbara asked if I would consider being a foster parent for another " special needs ' chihuahua named Hope . Hope and Diego came home with me and settled in like they owned the place . Within 24 hours I decided to formally adopt Hope as well . Hope was crippled and had a sad history like many do unfortunately . It is with a sad heart that I had to say goodbye to her today . Her crippled legs simply wouldnt work enough anymore to get her around . I know that her last years were happy and pampered and I want to thank Barbara and Because of You Chihuahua Rescue for trusting me wtih the care of Ms Hope . She brought me so much joy . Dear little Peanut , I received a call from your adoptive mom yesterday that you had passed away that morning , 06 - 13 - 12 . She said you were in her arms , wrapped in a favorite blanket …… She had told me not long ago that you were not doing well . So I knew it was coming …… . . I remember the day we brought you here from the Texas shelter . You were weak , and thin and I prayed you would hold on until we could get home and get you to a vet . You made it , and grew stronger , you had a lot of spunk about you ! You were so sweet and loving and it was so obvious that you had had a cruel life . You had been a breeder dog all of your life until you grew too old to breed , and then they did not need you anymore . You had scars from scrapes with other dogs , you had a broken nose from some thing , a long time ago . You were crippled , and had skin issues , just to name a few . You had no teeth and no lower jaw since you had no dental care and bad nutrition all those years . But you celebrated your new life ! You liked to " go " in the car , you showed the other dogs that even though you had no lower jaw or teeth , you were still the " top dog " , and they believed you ! LOLYou liked to eat , and you slept a lot of the time . You really liked going outside and barking at the neighbors ' dogs . I loved you so much , but then everyone else did , too . I wanted you to go to a home where you would get more attention , and Lynn offered that for you . She took such good care of you and you became her special boy . She was so proud of everything you did . She was like a bragging mom ! ! ! ! I know I miss you so much , but I know she 's missing you just as much ! I know I loved you , and know she did too . You made such a difference in all of the lives you touched , and hopefully you changed the way some people looked at pets , and the care they need , etc . I know you are young again and I hope you will recognize me when I get to the bridge , because I may not recognize you since I never saw you as a young man . Please watch for me , sweet boy . Love , your first mom This Betty Boop 10 - 17 - 12 Betty Boop came to us from Guthrie . She originally belonged to a breeder , who because of illness , moved from her home . But left the dogs outside in the yard . The 12 of them lived outside throughout the summer and the heat , with someone coming to throw food out to him and water them . They were covered with ticks , and several had Erlichea ( tick disease ) . Many of them were killed by wild things . The woman finally passed away and they were given to a friend . That woman called us and we went to get the dogs that were left ! The first trip we made , we took 6 . Then a week later we went back and picked up Betty Boop . She went to her foster home where she received all the love and kindness she wanted ! She was free in the house , had a large backyard to play in , quality food , and vet care . All was good with the world . Until she went to be spayed and have her teeth cleaned . Shortly after her surgery , she woke , but then quickly passed away . They tried to revive her but she was gone so fast ! Cindy , her foster mom and I rushed to the vet clinic to say our goodbyes . We wondered between us , " why ? " What could God possibly need with her in Heaven ? We were not ready to let her go . We wanted her to go live her life , as a " dog " , with all the good times life could offer ! ! To be someone 's Princess ! ! ! So , Betty , we are so happy that you had even a short time to be with us and treated as you should have always been . Your life ended all too soon . I know that you are in Heaven , healthy and young . I imagine you chasing balls through the clouds , pulling on Angels wings , and sleeping in God 's arms . Sleep well little girl , we are missing you so much ! Love Barb and CindyI want to add that I believe that when God closes one door , he opens another . When I got the call that you had passed , I was taking another dog that was a stray . She is only 4 - 5 months old , and needed our help . So I gave her part of your name , she is now Ava Boop . I took your sparkly collar and put on her . So though we lost you , she will have the life you did not get … Juan , I am so sorry that I made the decision to send you to be with God . ou seemed not have any quality of life . ou laid in your bed , and only got up to potty , which was in your bed , and then up the pee and eat the poop . would try to get you to go outside , but it seemed to scare you . ou even ate in your bed . nd with so many dogs here to care for , I had such little time for you . ou had a life of not knowing your name or being able to play with the other dogs . ou could not even get around the house , or find water on you own , etc . know that now you can see and hear all the wonderful sounds of Heaven . hings like wind , that is not scary anymore and the Angels singing . ou can see the ball and play catch with God . ou will not be thirsty or have to drag that heavy chain around like you were when I first got you . will be waiting to see you again when I come across the bridge into Heaven , and what a glorius day it will be ! hope you will know it is me ! ! ! Love and doggy kisses , Mama Barb Sugar Plum 2 - 14 - 13 My dearest Sugar Plum , today is suppose to be a day of love . I love you so much , but today I lost you to Heaven above . I knew you were dying , and prayed to God a few nights ago , to give you more time with me . I was not ready to give you up , and I believe he heard my prayers and answered them . You made it through the night . And to my surprise , you had a couple of pretty good days , and then last night you woke me with your low whimpering and I knew it was time to say goodbye . So this time I prayed that God would take you and end your pain . We made it thru the night , but this morning when you would not drink , and could not stand to potty , I knew the end was close . I had you only 2 ½ months , and I wanted you to know what love felt like . I wanted you to feel as good as was possible with all the twists and the crippled body , that you had lived with all of your life . It was not a good life , and the vets were amazed at how bad your little body was ! But with meds and quality food and supplements , you had put on some weight . Your hair filled in and the itching stopped . We cleaned your teeth so your mouth did not hurt . You could walk better , and seemed to enjoy your new found freedom outside a cage ! You loved riding in the car , and our stops at McDonalds for " doggy lunch " . You slept with me and were such a quiet little thing . You followed me around the house and loved going out into the front yard to explore . I don 't think anyone had ever held you or kissed you and at first it made you uncomfortable , but you grew to like both . And I liked doing it . Just a week ago we had your picture made , and I am so glad we did , because I want your picture on the wall so I can look at it and remember what a wonderful girl you were . I can only envision Heaven , but in my mind I see you a young healthy girl , playing with a gold ball and running ( like you never could here on earth , ) through the billowy clouds . I do not know if I will recognize you when I get to the " bridge " so please watch for me . I must stay here a while longer andMei Ling , 6 - 21 - 13 My dearest Mei Ling , you passed away on June 21st . 2013I found you almost gone to this world , and tried to get you to the vet but you passed away in my arms before we could get you there . I love you so much and was hoping for many more years with you . Especially since you had such a bad life before , you deserved to know humans could be good and life was not all about pain . . . . . . . . You never seemed to know your name or acknowledge that you heard me when I spoke to you , so I don 't know if you were deaf ( at times it seemed you could hear ) or you had never been spoken to so you did not understand . . . . . . . It was such a hot day , and I usually wrap the dogs in a nice blanket when they pass away , but for you , I put you in a pink pillow case . You really looked so nice in red , with your black and white hair . But I felt you would not mind pink , and it would be cooler . After I dug your grave , and laid you in it , I covered your little body with roses from the two bushes in the backyard . Then I prayed that God would welcome you into Heaven , make you whole again , and Angels would play with you . I know someday we will meet up again , so until then , you are buried outside my bedroom window , with a beautiful marker of red glass and a cross . I hung your collar on it . The pain you endured on earth is over and freedom has come . I love you more than you can ever know , and miss you so much . Love , mama Barb Tooty , you passed away on July 27 , 2013 . We had been to the emergency hospital just hours earlier . I was worried when I left that morning , because you did not want to eat your breakfast . You were laying in the sun , when I left to go to the hospital to see Alan . When I returned , you were laying on the patio , on your side , and when another one of the dogs walked close by , and you did not growl , I knew something was wrong . You had just been with me since the 18th . Your owner had given you and your companion , Bunny , to me because she thought you were not happy at her home . Bunny had been having seizures , but you seemed to be doing well . I knew you were older , 12 years young . And had a level 5 heart murmer , but thought you would be the one who adjusted to the new place . I was so wrong , I do not know if it was grief or your heart just gave out , but I will love and miss you forever . I really thought you would live , when we came home from the ER vet . But you died quietly in your bed during the night . I know you are in a better place , young and well . But for those of us who can not join you yet , it is a lonely place , without you ! I buried you in the back yard , under the Willow " memory " tree , with the others who I was not able to save . I go daily , to sit on the bench in the shade and listen to the wind chimes , and remember all of you . I have comfort knowing you have no more pain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Love , mama Barb Once , May 27 , 2015 We named him Once which is spanish for the number 11 . That 's what was tatooed in his ears ! so we know he belonged to a breeder operation . Then he found a home in the tulsa area , and I guess they no longer wanted him , so they set him out by the street in a crate , with a sign " adopt a chihuahua " . He had no food or water or shade ! a animal lover picked him up ! He was such a loving boy , happy and wagging his tail ! He did have a couple of special needs . first of alll , he was on heart meds and lasik daily and he could 't see very well . He had trama to one eye and was blind . The other eye had a cataract . . . . And lastly , he had sat in his own feces for so long and probably had fleas , so he chewed on himself until he has what is referred to a " elephant skin " on his bottom . But with all that , I still saw beauty in this little boy , and I loved him ! ! ! Momma Barb . Manny , Sept 28 , 2013 My little Manny . You left this earth on Sept . 28 , 2013 . You were not here with me for long . We got you from a rescue in Tulsa area . Then you lived with Connie until the rescue closed and you came here to join our group of old guys . You were one of the sweetest ones . You made me smile , just looking at your funny little body . You had a neck that was fused , and a hump in your back , so you carried your head down . Then you had the long legs , so you looked like a raccon . It was cute , but sad that you had gotten into such bad condition , obviously the hard life you had led . Of course we will never know what your history was , we were just glad to be able to give you lots of love in your later life . You liked to follow me around the house and were quite the talker . You demanded to sleep with me or you would have barked at me all night from the edge of the bed . Who could say no to anything you wanted , with those sad looking tiny eyes . HA It was just a few weeks ago when I noticed you had a loose canine tooth . I took you to the vet , and told him we had better do bloodwork and xrays before putting you under for the dental procedure . It was then that we found you had more than just an level 5 mummer . You had a large tumor pressing against your windpipe . Dr . Chris called me to say you would not be with us much longer . He took the tooth out using novacane because to put you under with anthestic would have surely killed you . You have always had a problem breathing but it had gotten so much worse , lately . And for several nights you cried and I knew it was time . Because I did not want you to suffer any more pain . I know you have gone to Heaven , and I know about the Rainbow Bridge , and I hope we will meet up again someday , but it could not come soon enough . I am left here to deal with the wickedness of the human race . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . how could anyone hurt one of the creatures that God made ? Manny , I loved you so much , and I will have your picture on the wall with the others who I have loved and lost . I will look at it often and rememMarkers from Rock On Custom Stone Engraving |
" Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
" Tomorrow we do this , let 's go over the plan one more time . " " I pretend to pass out . " The second man replied " No . First we make our presence as a young couple in love , enjoying a walk in the park . Then we sit at the bench on the opposite side of the playground facing away from the cameras . " Said the woman " You sure this is going to work . " " Of course this is going to work , her parents own five different houses in Brisbane , they own that office building downtown , both have bran new cars in addition to the mini - van . You know they got money and not frontin because the private school they take her to , that place is fifty thousand a year . " " That 's what I 'm saying . The police and everybody will be on us , fast . " The second man frantically said . " No they won 't , this is a black family . You know the police , special forces , the FBI , or whoever the hell they would think about calling wouldn 't give two shits about a missing little black kid , at the end of the day , no matter how much money they got , it 's still just a black kid and they don 't give a shit . And knowing this , the little fuckas parents will be more willing to cooperate with us than the police . All they will want is their little sweet spoiled bitch back , and if they give the money , that 's what they will get . Be , there , on , fucking , time , tomorrow , both of you . We can 't afford to fuck this up . It 's a lot on the line here . " " We got it you aint gotta be all like that . " " Whatever , don 't fuck this up . I 'll be waiting for you two tomorrow " The next day arrived and the pretend couple turned the corner that led them down the tree lined block to the park where their victim awaited . The woman pretended that the holding of her partner 's hand was more than show ; she even feigned a smile and raised it to faux laughter . This all was done in an effort to calm the nerves of her partner . His hand was hot and moist but firm . It reminded her of childhood summers in the swamps . She would sit on the hot and moist stones and watch as all the creatures did the things that swamp creatures did . Internally , she did not have any negative convictions about doing what she was about to do because she had perfected the mantra on herself that she would repeat to the parents ; " Do what we say and nothing will happen to her . " The park bench was empty , as it always was , as they had observed it being at this time for weeks now . He did not like her feeling and touching on him like this . Stephany was Winton 's woman , his brother 's girl , but this was all show . They had to make this all look good so nobody would suspect anything . He never could tell Winton that he did like her . He could never tell Stephany that he liked her , that was his brother 's girl and they were all that they ever had . After this though , Ernesto told himself , convinced himself that he would leave . He would take his share be out of their hair . They could start a family or whatever the hell they wanted to do and he could do the same . Stephany and his brother were ten years older than him so nothing would have ever happened any damn way . Stephany kissed his lips , which threw him off momentarily but then he remembered that the kiss was the signal , letting him know that the family were here . They watched as the little girl with pink barrettes and a gold necklace with little paw charm on it ran about with her big innocent smile to the swing set . She sat in the seat and grasped her ha " Somebody help him , somebody help ! " Winton could see them from the car . He saw Stephany kiss Ernesto . He saw them walk up and sit at the bench , right on time . He knew that the kiss was nothing , it was part of the plan , his plan ; it was all part of the act . The way Stephany kissed Ernesto , Winton knew she did it that way knowing that would piss him off and it would be nothing he could do about it . Winton told her that today was not the day but she was always fucking around like that . This was serious and there was no room for this bullshit , Winton thought to himself as he his brow tighten and his teeth clenched . Winton calmed his mind with a few quick breaths . He reminded himself that this is what she wanted . She wanted him to be mad and all pissed off over nothing , over bullshit . He knew her , if he confronted her about the way she kissed him , she would just play dumb and say , Winton thought to himself that he would show her and not even say anything at all . He would pretend as if the way Stephany kissed him was the way the plan was supposed to go . Winton refocused his attention away from his calming thoughts and plans to what he saw as an obvious ploy to antagonize him , to the already laid plan . Winton was dressed in a blue dresshirt he brought from Ross as well as a pair of khakis . He pressed them both till every edge was razor sharp and cemented them with starch . He complemented the outfit with a twenty dollar pair of shoes from payless . The crown of the outfit was the empty baby carrier . This outfit gave him the perfect costume . When he grabbed the girl and if she started to scream it would not look like a kidnapping . It would look as a little girl walking with her father and she was having a tantrum . She could kick , scream , cry , whatever anyone around would only see , and assume , father and daughter . While everyone was fawning and panicking over Stephany and Ernesto , the little girl was running around on the other side of the playground , away from all of the commotion , away from all the turmoil , away from anyone that might help her . Winton got out the car keeping one eye on the girl and one eye on the group of people huddled around Ernesto and Stephany . Winton focused his vision like a hawk swooping down upon a mouse in the middle of an open plain , yet making sure he kept his stride tamed to the mood of area . He reached out his hand and grabbed her . Winton said to her . For a moment it looked as if she considered it then in that same moment she took a deep inhale . Before she could exhale Winton injected her with the tranquilizer . He did not know what , exactly , it was but he had seen it knock out a six foot five , three hundred and twenty pound football player that owed money to the people that cared for him when he was younger . She was out cold and the breath that was intended for a scream was freed as a simple and silent breath . He put her over his shoulder and held her comfortingly as if he was caring for his sleeping daughter , not as the kidnapper he was . His heart still pounding and focusing on not looking as if anything out of the norm was happening he made it back to the car and put her in the car seat . Winton exhaled and from the track phone he sent a single text " done . " He then took the phone and dropped it in the 32 - ounce cup of water . The text was to let Stephany and Ernesto that he had her and they could finish . Ernesto felt the phone vibrate in the sewn pocket in his underwear , Stephany felt hers vibrate in her bra . Ernesto began to pretend to come around and jubilation filled the on lookers . The ambulance , under the order of Stephany , had not been called so when Ernesto feigned his weakened walk away from the park with one arm around Stephany , there was no attempt made to follow . They entered the bartstation not noticing that the family had been sniffing the air . They had all congregated looking down the street Winton had driven away . " It 's a man , he is the leader of the group , his adrenaline and testosterone levels are extremely high . They stink like the football player 's during a game . He had a shot before he came here . " The family returned to the street letting the air that was in the wind pass over them . The husband put his hands on his wife 's shoulders and began to message them . The son took off his glasses and cleaned each lens with his shirt . He placed them on his head and gave them a grimace then took them off and put them in his shirt pocket . " I figured as much . When we hunt , our senses heighten , become sharper than what they were in our human form . You might not need them after . When my grandfather took me on my first hunt , things were so much different than they are now . Hunts now are orchestrated , lavish events , some are even catered parties were children chase caged raised rabbits with no natural instinct , just as lost in the wild as the children hunting them . I don 't even remember the last time a human was justly hunted . This is very rare , something that you and your sister may never experience , at least not for another hundred years maybe . " Winton did not see any need to tie her up , locking her in the backroom should be enough . There was no way of her to get out . Even if she did find a way to get out , they were still in an abandon warehouse in West Oakland ; the little bitch has probably never known anything other than Morgan Hill so she would be lost out here . The obvious thing would be for Ernesto and Stephany to not to be seen together for the next couple of days and they were not to contact each other for the next couple of days either . This is what Ernesto and Stephany saw as logical but Winton showed them how that would lead the police and anybody else investigating the situation to make them suspects numbers one and two . Ernesto told them to make up some story that was simple enough for them to remember and go to the police and co - operate . Give them the fake story and be helpful and even volunteer for search efforts . This would make them able to file under the radar . It would also , for a time , let them know how far along the police were . The odd thing was after the first day , there was nothing . There was a story of the kidnapping on the news , once , and that was it . They said no one ever questioned them . They went in to the station and gave a statement and that was that , no on called for a follow up or anything . This threw Winton a bit off because he knew how rich these fuckers were and he knew this should make some waves , but there was none . Winton resolved that they may have actually been onto Ernesto and Stephany so he did contact them and told them to continue to play the role but to never to come to the warehouse just in case they were being followed . He thought maybe now these rich fucks would be reminded of how the system treats black folks . They had been born into money , now they would see what it 's like when to be black when your money and power can 't do shit for you . Seeing how they story only aired on one channel , one time , the media was showing the fuckers how a kidnapped little black girl means nothing compared to some hipstersIt was almost time for another injection , it was easier to keep her sedated . He didn 't have listen to her talk or cry . The craziness of it was that he had to dose her as if she was a grown man . The amount that should have worked on her did nothing . He ended up giving her more and more each time just to keep her knocked out . Stephany would have bitched and moaned about being , " careful " and how , " we " shouldn 't drug her at all , good that she wasn 't here . " Yeah , he says . " Stephany said lowering her voice and raising her eyebrow . " I hope so , I 'm not trying to go to jail over this shit . " " Yeah but we 've never done any shit like this . A gas station , the 7 / 11 , that bank , that was all bullshit compared to this , and we barely got away with those . And look how long the money from all of those lasted . " " Ok but Ernie , that was in the desert of bumfuck nowhere , the girl 's family is rich . I mean rich rich , not like somebody won the lotto rich or we own a restaurant rich . These people are the type of people that donate for political favor rich . They own malls and office buildings plural , rich . And they have been rich . Hell I bet they give the maid more money to spend on groceries for a day than what that bank sees in a week . " " I 'm sorry . I just feel bad for her , you know . She 's all alone and away from her family and she is probably scared out of her little mind . " " Steph you know how Winton is but he is a good guy . When we were kids he was more than a brother to me , at times he was more like my dad . When the time comes , you can count on him to be whatever is needed of him . " " You know your brother , he 's never been a 9 - 5 type of dude , Instead of getting a job he decides to do this shit . I 'm cool and all with that but how is that going to work with kids . How is that going to work when we 're old and shit . " " Thats what he says , and I know that is the plan but i just dont know sometimes Ernie . I love him so much and I just want to run off with him and live , have a bunch of kids , and be happy . I dont know if he wants that sometimes . " " Look " Ernesto said turning her face to him to show her the promise of his smile . " If you two ever have kids he will love them . And you know my brother , he has to be in charge , he has to be the boss , a 9 - 5 never has and never will work for him because there was always someone telling him : who , what , when , where , why , and how . You know he can 't deal with that . He can 't function like that . I think if he had been given different opportunities in life , born with some money , privilege , or a different skin color , he might have been a leader of industry but we can 't change what might have been . We can only work on what 's here and now . " The once happy and joyful family were now parked two blocks away down from another abandoned alley way and from another abandon warehouse from where their missing family member was being held captive . " I did , once , When I was about sixty . It is similar to hunting other large game but completely different as well . Humans see themselves as separate from nature so at first they become confused . Then , when they realize what is going on , they either become predator or prey . You never really know which one they will believe themselves to be . " " And that is partially why we do not purposely hunt humans anymore . " The mother chimed in " Humans are intoxicating . Everything about a human is almost a thousand fold stronger to us than any other prey . One human hunt is good because it connects us to our core , our primal and natural instincts and lets us feel what our ancestors felt . Any more than one human hunt however and . . . " " What , becoming a man , puberty , is a natural thing and when you are born of The Clan of Lemech things are far different if you were merely turned or from any of the other clans . Imagine being the age you are now and feeling all of the things you have felt your entire life only feeling them right now , for the very first time , and without anyone to tell you that it is ok and not being able to talk to anyone about it . That 's what it 's like to be turned . I would not wish that on anyone . Then the unnatural , turned ones have to learn to balance and control everything that you 've had your entire lives to deal with . Its takes the strongest of them a hundred years just to get to where you two are now and that 's even if they live that long . That is why there are so few old unnaturals , the temptation to hunt humans is too strong , and eventually the humans hunt them down . Some don 't even know what 's going on when changed , they are complete beast . Our ancestors learned this long ago and this is why , if we ever do hunt humans it is only for a just cause in which we can invoke vengeance . And it 's only when we have reached the age you two are now . " " He is a predator . " The son said . " He will fight until he cant fight anymore . Its was in his scent , I don 't know how to describe it . Why I know it , but from his scent , I could feel his emotions , I could smell the type of personality he . " " Don 't worry yourself lovely , " The father said kissing his wife 's forehead . " We will have her back in your arms before long , I promise it . This is something that they need to experience while they have the opportunity to do so . " " Yup , that way when we get the money I 'll leave a note saying where to find her . It will fuck them up too because they are expecting the girl to be with me but I told them no cops . So if a cop does rush me I tell them that if I don 't make it back with in a hour then the little bitch is dead . " " So what , fuck them . And what the fuck are they going to do about it anyway . If they try something I told Steph to shoot the little rich bitch . " " Fuck ! " Winton exclaimed in frustration . " Listen ok , I get there at one , scout the area and hang about and see who drops off the money and see if any cops set up shop . At three I pick up the money and by three - thirty I 'll text you guys . If I haven 't texted or contacted either one of you by three - fortyfive then Steph or you know what to do and get out of the state . If you can , get out of the country and try to get to Cuba . " Winton paused his speech , pulled out his wallet and handed Ernesto a key . " Remember back when I was working with Rony and them . " " Yeah it was me . " " I cant fucking believe you , you looked me in the eye and said it was not you . I told everybody it was not you . Even the police believed me when I said it wasn 't you . " " And that 's why I told you I didn 't do it . You cant lie for shit and I knew you would be the first place those fuckas would come to . I knew if you believed the truth was that I did not do it then you when they pressured you , there would be nothing for them to find because you did not know anything . " " Fuck Mina . Tony was going to kill her anyway , he found out about the abortion . Anyway , before we did him , we made him tell us where the money was . This dumb ass still living in the eighties had stashed a safe full of money in the floor board of his momma 's house and had another one stashed under the dog house in the back yard . Long story short , there is a storage place in Daly City . If shit goes bad get there , there is a trunk with Jordan boxes in them . There is money in the boxes . " " Ok baby , I know all that and get all that , you don 't have to sell it to me , I know it , I 'm the one that teaches Clan history , but they are our children . They have never hunted humans before . I was older than you before I hunted my first human . Lonnie and Tina are still young . They still have change pains . I 'm just worried that human prey , this soon , they might not be able to handle it . " " Bae , they have always been ahead , I did not stop having change pains till I was fifty . Tina in changed form is as advanced as someone twice her age and Lonnie barely show any signs that he has change pains and he 's showing signs that he might be able to change at will , at his age . I wasn 't able to have control over the change until I was forty - five . Just think of it , by the time he is either of our ages he might be able to actually shift . " " And if they are able to shift , what then " The mother said breaking through the father 's boastful retort . " They will be recruited . I don 't want that for them right now . " " They will be recruited because , like you said , they are showing signs of control and the possibility of being able to shift at their young age . Your grandfather was the only one in the last three hundred years that could control and will the change and he was younger them and he was way younger than us when he was able to shift . You and I are well over one hundred years old and we just recently started being able to shift . " Reaching over to stroke his dreadlocks and reaffirm his ego . " My point is that I want our children to be children . I want them to grow and be happy adults , before they are forced to serve . " " I know , I know , being in the service of the pack or the clan is a privilege and a great honor that not everyone gets . If they are recruited , I 'll be very proud of them , hell my mother and great grandmother served pack and the clan proudly so I get it , and I get that it could lead them to having a life that most do not have . All that we have we owe to the pack and the clan ; I even get that they could end up having a pack of their own one day , like your grandfather . Because of him being able to do the things that he was able to do he had already made and established his own pack and been named an elder even before he was our age . I understand that something like that hasn 't happen since times of old . I just worry that , if they are recruited and serve now , at their age , when they are our age , will they look back and be mad at us for pushing them into the service of the pack ? Will they resent us for not fighting for their right to be children . " " Where would any of us be without our balance instructors ? None of us would know how to shift and if we did figure it out we would not know how to come out of the shift . " The mother and wife smiled playfully and continued . " Or did I marry and old dog that believes balance teaching is woman 's work . " " No , no you didn 't . I am not my father or my uncles . I just want everything for them and for them to have every opportunity but it is their lives " the father paused reluctantly but contently . " and it will be their choice . " Lonnie , the son , Tina , the daughter , had already took off all their clothes . Tina folded hers in a neat pile and put them in a bag by a random shopping chart that was missing two of its four wheels and was rusted from years of neglect . Lonnie stuffed his in a duffel bag as would any typical male child in that prepubescent stage would have done . Lonnie sat in the lotus position and began to breathe deeply . He had learned when he was younger that the opposite of what everyone his age said was true , instead of pretending like the change did not hurt or trying to focus on something else one should embrace the pain . He found that instead of fighting the change , if he just let it happen and acknowledged it , the change not only happen faster but what pain there was , did not present as an issue anymore . It became almost like a headache that if he focused hard enough he could will away . What he had been trying lately was to will the change . It was something that they all said would not even be possible until he was much older . His balance instructor encouraged him to still try none the less . She warned him that the pain of willing a change is a thousand times worse than a normal change and that it one must have reached a solid state of mental balance to achieve a full willed change . She told him that one must be aware of thought and emotions and yet be able to transcend them as well to will the change . Lonnie figured if his parents and relatives could do it then he should be able to do it as well . It was a matter of moving the thoughts and emotions from their internal place to the external body in a fluid motion . A willful change should be easy as placing one foot in front of the other . In his meditations he could will his ears to change and even his claws to grow . The closer to the full moon he could will other parts of his body to change . During a full moon two months ago he was able to will his teeth to change . This , however was not satisfactory to him , he wanted to be able to do and be more , He wanted to be like his gTina laid down on the ground and attempted to relax . It , the change , hurt but she had grown use to it . It would happen and it would get easier every time but it still hurt . The worst part for her was the teeth . That always bothered her the most . Her mouth would still be sore the next day . Lonnie use to call her baby Tina but he stopped after the last fight they got into . When she was in changed form she was far more powerful than he was . Her senses were stronger and instincts more keen . Mom told her that it comes from her side of the family . Mom told her that there are stories that some of her ancestors were Ze ' evian . Since Ze ' evian women lead the packs , if they have one and the women are usually stronger than the males in changed form since their natural form is the changed form and not human . It made sense to Tina , she always felt more herself in changed form . She would yell , she would scream , and when the change was complete she would howl . She felt alive and an more intouch with everything around her . She loved being in her changed state and wished she could be in it all the time but she knew the stories and the dangers . Lonnie though he was special because change in silence . She did not care because he wasn 't half of what she was when changed . She knew that she saw better , ran faster , and jumped higher , so what he was heighten when human , who wants to be human any way . What mattered was what one could do , could be , when one was changed . After all we are not really humans anyway . What good was it to be a good or even exceptional human while being sub - par when changed . So what he did not feel the pain of the changed or could even will some of his change . What mattered was what they were when changed . " Naw , come on . " Winton said picking up his gun and a flashlight . " Ill go pray over this cup of water just in case its some vampires or demons and shit , like that one damn show you watch . We 'll go investigate and see the demon opossum fighting the ghost cat . " Winton kissed Stephany once , then once more , this time more passionately , more deliberately . A third kiss and Ernesto faded from the immediate recollection of Winton and Stephany . They were brought back by a loud crashing sound coming from outside the warehouse " See , now tell me that was some dogs or raccoons and shit . " Winton turned to Stephany as she was already approaching him . Stephany reached for his belt and unfurled it with one hand . Winton busied himself by pulling off Stephany 's Jacket and T - shirt after she had taken off her pants . He smiled when he found that she was not wearing a bra . He cupped one of her breasts as she jumped upon him and wrapped her legs around his waist . Winton exchanged more passionate kisses with her as she balanced and he held her close to him . His pants now around his ankles he skillfully made his way to the wall still cupping Stephany 's breast , still balancing her , still kissing her . Against the wall he pressed her back firmly and with the leverage he gained , hastily uncupped her breast and pulled down his underwear releasing his fully engorged , rigidly erect manhood . Moving Stephany 's panties to one side , he broke with the passion of the moment and slowly placed himself inside of her causing her eyes to roll in the back of her head , as they did every time he did in such a manner . He continued the unhurried gentle thrusts , slowly turning them into hard and pounding stabs that quickened . They exchanged mild bites in between rough kisses . She digging her nails into his back , he knowing himself and her timing made sure that he balanced what he knew to be pleasurably painful with what he knew he could truthfully give , thrust deeper and faster yet not out of rhythm with her . This ultimately , as it always had , caused them to both climax at the same time . When it was over , Winton pulled up his underwear and pants , sat on the couch and lit a blunt , took a two hits and passed it to Stephany as she also plopped down on the couch . She laid her head in his lap and exhaled the smoke into his face laughing . They passed the blunt back and forth between them till that was done as well . The both of them fully quenched in carnal desires Stephany began to drift off to sleep . Winton , not wanting to fall asleep first held off until he saw that Stephany was gone . Seeing that she was , and his eyelids pressing upon him to join her his mind shifted when and spoke his thought . " He prolly just went to the car . You know , it amazes me that after good sex and good weed your first thoughts are of your brother . " Stephany said playfully with her eyes still closed . " Shut up . " Winton responded in the same playful manner . He then stood up forcing Stephany off of him and onto her stomach . In a childish spiteful act of retaliation . Winton did not respond except by walking to the converted sink area of the room where his cigarettes lay on the table . He turned and gave her an manly flattered looked took one out , lit it , and put the pack back on the table . He walked past the door and opened the window . She was still sleeping and he considered putting the trank in her food next time . She not only took more than what she should have but she ate way more than what a little girl of her size should eat . " How is she doing ? " Sharply Winton said " If she is not conscious then the chances of her being able to see and then later recognize our faces or our voices is reduced . Shit I don 't want her to even be able to recognize this room let along know where she is and get some sort of bearing and try to run away . If by the off chance we run into her in the future , after this is all over , I don 't want her to be able to I D us . You gotta think about shit like that Steph . " " I 'm sorry Bae , I 'm just saying we have to think long term , especially with the money we 're going to get from this . If we do this right , we wont ever have to work for anyone else but ourselves for the rest of our lives . We can open our own business . " " Are they in our future ? What if I don 't want a business . What if all I want is to pop out fifteen kids and watch tv all day . " " So what you are really saying is because he is not a clone of you then something is wrong . He cant have his own thoughts , feelings , and desires hmm . His actions all have to make sense to your reasoning . " Stephany said in a more irritated tone than before . " It means " Stephany said as she rose from the couch putting her bra t - shirt and pants back on . " that I 'm going to check on Ernie . You really get o my nerves sometimes . " " And that 's the fucking problem . You so full of you and your own shit you cant see anything the fuck else . The earth doesn 't spin on an axis named Winton nor is Winton the center of perfection or the core of the universe . " " Oh my gawd , that shit . That shit right there . " Stephany said lividly " Ok , what the fuck ever just shut the fuck up and leave , or stay . I don 't care just shut up talking . " Winton responded not looking in her direction . Stephany grabbed a few cigarettes out of the pack and threw them back at the sink area . She rolled up the gate instead of using the door and tried to slam it down with emphasis but her intent was lost in her lack of physical strength . So to compensate she screamed Fuck you , lil bitch ! Stephany went around to the back of the warehouse . There was no dumpster on this side but there was no end to the abandoned trash . Old mattresses , wet and stained , giving shelter to rats and roaches . Tattered sofas missing cushions completed the set of debris . This and the two adjacent warehouses had been abandoned for so many years that the gate locks had rusted in place . These warehouses were in a part of West Oakland that had been abandoned for so long that the street lights either did not work or where stuck on red . You could stand in the middle of the street and scream at the top of your lungs , no one would hear you , no one would notice you but you . Stephany finished her cigarette and walked to where she saw Ernie had parked . Just like she thought , he was a sleep , with his mouth wide open just like a little kid 's . The closer she got to the car her large smile began to wane as she saw and heard he was not snoring . Her smile was completely erased as she saw that his chest was not moving up or down . She would not let her mind process what that meant , at least for right now . Stephany slowly drew close enough to see that Ernie 's tongue was gone and there was a cavern where his throat should have been . She then took in that all of his clothes were covered in blood . She inhaled to scream and as she did a blurred shadow from the corner of her eye hit her so hard that she fell to the ground , knocking the wind out of her . Another shadow came from the other direction and passed over her . Stephany tried to get up but her body would not respond . She tried to call out Winton 's name but her voice had no sound . She tried to scream again but her mouth was filling up with spit and she did not understand why the spit tasted like a moldy wet penny . She spit but shocking her more was the fact that the spit was blood . She went into full panic mode and tried to scream again but this time her throat felt cold on the inside . She processed now that somehow her throat had been cut and she was paralyzed . Stephany 's panic began to heighten as everything around her began to darken . Her eyelids were becoming too heavy and she just wanted to close them but she knew she could not do that , she knew she could not let that happen . She felt herself growing weaker as things grew darker . She then saw two giant dogs , bigger than grate Danes , almost the size of bears but looking more like wolves , jump in a single spring onto the roof . The second dog bear thing jumped on to the car then the roof . The darkness continued to grow from the corner of her eyes , claiming more and more of her sight but she kept her eyes open . With the last of her energy she again tried to call out to Winton but onlyWinton walked by the room again , peaking through the window , looking to confirm that she was still sleeping . It was a good thing he thought . If she wasn 't sleep , he might have to give her more . He had to dose her more today than any other day . He was worried that he might have given her too much today , but she seemed ok . Leaning against the wall he took another swig from the Jack Daniel 's bottle having abandoned the shot glass for a heavy based whiskey glass with ice . Later , after the little inhibition that he did have retreated , so did the need to follow any of societies conventions and he drank straight from the bottle being where he is now . The lights flickered momentarily which his mind registered but his drunken body did not care enough about to respond to . Winton walked back to the couch and reflexively turned on the television . He was too drunk to realize or even care that the television did not come on . The sound of glass shattering woke him from the sleep he had not known he had slipped into . He was still drunk so it did not register as being a big threat . Through his blurred vision he saw his cigarettes on the floor by the sink . He was too drunk to remember how they had got there . He was too drunk at this point to care and the fact he did acknowledge was that he did not care how they got there . What concerned him most was could he manage the walk to go get them without falling . Winton gathered enough sobriety to move his heavy corpse like body off the and collected enough of his fading senses to focus on the pack of cigarettes on the floor across the room . It did not take long before he had made his way to them and with his senses still loosely collected he managed to ignite one . The first inhale and subsequent exhale gave validation to what was seemed like an extreme mental and physical effort . This is when he noticed that the little girl was not moving . He looked in the window and prayed that it was just him being drunk and that she was not dead and still breathing because that would fuck up everything . In the event of her accidental death , he had a plan but that was one he did not want to have to go over , he had not told Steph or Ernie of that plan because things had seemed to be going so well with this one . Winton unlocked all the locks and rushed into the room , he threw off the covers and discovered that the little girl was not in the bed at all and was replaced by bits of broken glass from the window above . This had to be some bullshit he thought , that window was reinforced five inch thick glass and that window was same size of a two by four , there was no way she could have gotten out through it , and yet she was gone . Winton tore up the room looking for her then went back out tossing things everywhere . The brief flash that Steph might even do this as a joke only infuriated him more . She knew better than to do some petty shit like this , no matter how pissed she was , this was not funny . Winton saw that it had been an hour or so since Steph had left and even more since Ernie . This realization began to sober him even further , why hadn 't they come back , where were they . They would never betray him because they had just as much to lose as he did so something must have happen to them . Winton fully sober grabbed his gun and put a full clip in and released the safety . Maybe the family had hired someone and had given up on the police . If it was the FBI then they would have just killed him and there would be feds everywhere , this was private work . Winton slowly lifted the gate , letting his gun proceed him into the cold soundless night . If it had not been for the large full moon lording the night sky there would have been no light . The rustling of trash in the wind was the only sounds he heard . Winton went around the slowly approached the corner that lead to the alley letting his gun again lead . As he approached he though he saw a shadow behind him move and pointed his gun that way franticly , almost letting loose a shot or two . He didn 't because there was nothing there . When he fully turned around to the dark alley partially illuminated he saw Stephaney laying in a pool of blood . Winton slapped her face and pumped her chest attempting to revive her . He did a few rounds of cpr , breathing into her lungs and attempting to take her pulse but she was , and had been dead , what was left for him of her was the realization of it and her empty flesh . Shedding tears , and sniffling he knelt by her body momentarily then rose up and saw the Ernie in the car . He ran over to it only to see the same horrific sight that Stephany once beheld . The realization that his brother and his fiancé were dead was only allowed to hold court in his mind momentarily before Winton felt the wind behind him shift and before he could turn and see , he felt a pain on the back of his head and he faded out . " You had my baby drugged this whole time . " The father smiled balefully . " It crossed my mind , momentarily , that you knew whom , or rather what , you were dealing with and took proper precautions and had her chained down and locked somewhere reinforced . Then we get here and I see none of that . You simply would rather drug a kid than deal with one . Very clever and effective way dealing with a human , and very lucky for you . " Winton senses still attempting to fathom what was happening to him , what had happen to Stephany and Ernie , could not comprehend what he was seeing . The little bitch 's father sat in a chair , saying these things to him . It did not make any sense , why was he saying these words to him , why hadn 't he just killed me and get it over with . As his eyes and mind came to better cohesion , he saw the girl 's mother standing behind him and on either side of here with two creatures that looked like monsters . They both were covered in tooth , nail , muscle and hair standing at least seven or eight feet tall . Winton eyes widened and his sense focused on them . The father then rose from his chair and walked to the door along with his wife and the two beasts that Winton had to believe were some sort of werewolves , there was no other explanation . The wife placed a gun in his lap and they all exited the building . When they did the electronic handcuffs binding Winton to the chair came a loose . He responded by grabbing the gun without thought . Winton then heard a growl coming from the shadowy corner on the opposite of the room . Winton quickly jumped from his chair with the gun and fired a shot in that direction . Stepping out of the shadow was another creature again covered in tooth , muscle , hair , and nail . This one was smaller than the others and was on four legs , it was the size of a large mastiff . It walked slowly to the left growling , forcing Winton to walk away from the door to the room where he kept the little girl locked up . Winton finally at the door to the room stopped when this new beast stopped . He then realized he was going to die . His eye beheld in horror , around this beasts neck was a gold necklace with a small paw . He fired the gun again and again emptying the clip but it did nothing . When the clip was empty the little one pounced . I offer my own unique voice , my own vision . I think the saying goes that writers write because no one else can say what they have to say quite the way they have to say it . That is why I write , that is what I offer . |
Daughter was now in limbo . She was not eligible for adoption , and she couldn 't return to her birth mother . I remained her foster mother . The Case Manager hadn 't realized that they couldn 't re - file the case without coming up with new grounds . I think we were all exhausted from the long ordeal . I didn 't explore guardianship at this point . I was aware of Daughter 's precarious situation . My physician sent me for a TB test because of some blood work or something . I knew that if I were diagnosed with TB , Daughter would be moved to another foster home . I knew that if something happened to me , Daughter would lose my entire family . She had been warmly embraced as the first grandchild . The phone visits with birth mom continued . I enrolled Daughter in school ( a year late ) . I continued to struggle in a difficult ministry , while owning a home in a very bad neighborhood . We heard gun fire . The police helicopter circled overhead , and some nights I would see the search light through my bedroom window . Then came the miracle . One Sunday birth mother was looking in her Bible to pull out a picture Daughter had drawn for her . Her Bible opened to the story of Saul ordering a baby cut in two , with half given to each of two women claiming to be the mother . Birth mother decided it was a message from God , and she decided to voluntarily relinquish parental rights , making it possible for me to adopt Daughter . I was happy , relieved , amazed , you name it . It was the most wonderful gift Daughter and I could have received . Posted by Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from Daughter , who was with Case Manager . Daughter was obviously upset , and was crying . They put the call on speaker phone . Case Manager was confronting Daughter with everything wrong she 'd done at the new house . Apparently she 's been getting up at 6 : 00 a . m . and blasting her music , and has not always been cooperative with staff . I reminded Daughter again of the importance of respecting staff , and that she has both ear phones and ear buds for her music . Of course she wanted to die , and needed to leave right away , and . . . . Once she was done being dramatic , we were able to talk . She was embarrassed more than anything , and couldn 't figure out why the staff didn 't come to her with the problems instead of going to the Case Manager . I think she has a good point . . . . Eventually , the psychologist joined my crusade to get the visits stopped , they got the guardian ad litem to court , and the visits were stopped . Of course , I was still dragging Daughter to court as the hearing on termination of parental rights continued . When the hearing finally concluded , the judge delayed ruling . The speculation was that there was no money left for court appointed attorneys , and birth mom would need one if she decided to appeal the ruling . Finally , the order came down . Dad 's rights were terminated over both children ( the oldest was living with paternal grandmother , and was not part of the case ) . Mom 's rights were terminated over brother . They were not terminated over Daughter . By this time , the judge realized that Daughter could not be returned to mother , but he 'd already dismissed the case with prejudice . He suggested the possibility of long term guardianship be explored . Daughter continued to have a relationship with mother via phone and occasional visits ( she had moved to the other side of the state to be close to her family , so wasn 't in town very often for visits ) . I continued to be her foster mother , and nothing more was said about guardianship . As Daughter grew more verbal , she began to ask more questions . One night she confronted her birth mom with a series of memories , and after each one she said , " And what did you do . " The memories included a knife fight between the brothers and stepping on a nail on the steps . Birth mom was amazed she remembered the knife fight , as she couldn 't have been more than 18 months old when it took place . She also commented , " All she remembers are the bad things . " Interestingly , she didn 't confront her over the sexual of physical abuse . Of course , like many victims , she thought it was her fault . I remember the day she said to me , " Mom , I tried to be a good baby . I really did . I don 't understand why they hurt me that way . " The explanation I gave her as to why she couldn 't live with her birth family was quite simple : she deserved to be safe , and they hadn 't beeReverend Mom Last week took a heavy toll on me . I had 4 12 hour days , 5 evenings at the church , and was dealing with some challenging pastoral care situations . Last night I slept 10 hours . It helped . This week I 'm back to 3 evenings at the church . I 'm also beginning the countdown . I have one more class to teach on lay pastoral care giving . I have 2 more sermons to preach . Then I have a week in Nashville for the Festival of Homiletics . I 'm looking forward to that week away . I love serving this congregation , and things are going very well here . I 'm grateful that Daughter is now in a safe place . My life is much more flexible when I don 't have to work my schedule around her schedule . It 's also nice to have her closer , which makes it much easier to pick her up and drop her off . I do recognize , though , that I need to pace myself , or I will burn out . For now , though , I 'm grateful for 10 hours of sleep , a lighter week , and an upcoming break . Posted by This morning , as I was getting dressed , I called Daughter to come zip up my dress . She was delayed , and apologized , explaining that she was taking care of my laundry . I had done laundry yesterday , but had left many of the clean items piled in a laundry basket . On her own , she decided to fold them and put them away for me . She put my clothing items on my bed , and she put the linens away in the linen closet . She left the laundry basket empty . I don 't remember the last time it was empty . Yesterday she worked with me in the yard . I was edging , and asked her to sweep up after me . She hates sweeping . She did it all , and did a decent job . I like the young woman she is becoming . I realized this morning that it has been 7 years since she graduated from high school . I don 't know where the time has gone . She has come a very long way in the those seven years . I was talking to her Home Owner when I picked Daughter up yesterday . When I went to the car , I explained to Daughter that I had been sharing with her all my secrets for handling Daughter . She said , " Oh Mom , you don 't have to do that . HO understands me . " Today I have much for which I can give thanks . Posted by The county was trying to terminate parental rights over Daughter on the grounds that Birth Mom was psychologically unfit and that she had no bond with Daughter . The only problem was the attorney tried to get the psychological evaluation admitted into evidence without having the psychologist there to be questioned about it . So , dad 's attorney challenged it , and judge ruled it couldn 't be admitted . After the county rested the case , dad 's attorney asked to have it dismissed . The judge adjourned to consider the request , and came back and dismissed the case for termination of mom 's rights over Daughter with prejudice - - meaning it couldn 't be brought back . I was asking the psychologist Daughter was seeing ( who definitely wasn 't the best ) to get the visits with dad stopped . She couldn 't understand why I wanted to do that . Finally , she observed a visit . She noticed Daughter wouldn 't touch any of the things from the toy cupboard that had been out for that visit following the visit . Then she looked back over her notes , and realized that anytime Daughter had a visit , she regressed . She decided maybe it wasn 't good for Daughter to see him . So we went to court to stop the visits . But dad 's attorney didn 't want to consider such an important issue without the guardian ad litem present to give and opinion . So they went forward with the termination case while waiting to get the guardian ad litem to court to stop visits . I still don 't understand why it was more important to have the guardian there to stop visits than it was to terminate parental rights . I am convinced that for dad 's attorney , it was all a game . He did lots of things to delay and complicate things . While he was playing his games , I got to deal with the aftermath of each of Daughter 's visits to court . One day I testified that Daughter had asked me to kill her daddy . After I testified , dad 's attorney came out with a calendar , asking when dad could next see Daughter . I lost it . " I hope you can sleep tonight , because Daughter won 't sleep for the next two weeks . You keeReverend Mom These memories are hard , and are going to come in small chunks . It was a very traumatic time , and the memories still anger me . It was my first inside experience with our judicial system . It was during this period that I developed the conviction that we don 't have a justice system , we have a court system , and there is a huge difference . The case to terminate parental rights took over a year . We 'd have a day or two in court here , and then a month later another day . The court 's attorney was a political appointee and not very bright . That 's the kind characterization . Birth Mom had a court appointed attorney , who was going through the motions . Dad hired an attorney from the largest county in the state . He had previously worked representing the county in these cases , but had burned out on it and entered private practice . He knew all the ins and outs , and for him , it was a game . He was running circles around the county attorney , who was clueless . He started by sending Daughter a subpoena for every court date . Daughter was about 5 . She couldn 't put together complete sentences . She was in no way a reliable witness . Every court date , I 'd have to drag her over there to sit at the court house all day . He never called her to testify , and the county attorney was so dumb she never thought to have the judge rule that Daughter was not competent to testify and end the subpoenas . So once a month or so I 'd drag Daughter over to the court house and try to keep her entertained and quiet all day . Once a month or so Daughter would be forced to see all the people who has abused her , and would regress for the next several weeks as a result . Once a month or so the system would traumatize her one more time . Posted by I 'm going to have to talk to Daughter 's new house about communication . She tells them things , and doesn 't think they are listening . They say okay , but when they don 't immediately follow through , she thinks they aren 't listening . Today she was upset because she was running low on test strips , and the staff member said okay , but didn 't give her another bottle . I finally asked how many she had , and she had 5 . I pointed out that was enough to get her through the day , and she didn 't need to worry about it . If the staff member had simply said , " You have enough to get you through the day , and I 'll give you more when you need them , " Daughter would have been fine . Daughter is counting her pills now , and has had to point out she didn 't have all her pills a couple of times . This house is still far superior to the last one , but there are adjustments and frustrations . Posted by We have been working on recruiting volunteers to do some work in the office . When I arrived , we had volunteers who came in to fold the bulletins on Friday . Those two women died , so I 've recruited two new ones . Now we 've added a volunteer who comes in on Wednesday and Daughter comes in on Thursday . It has made a huge difference in our ability to get work done . We continue to find more things our volunteers can do . It 's nice - - people seem to be understanding that the office is often overwhelmed . We are planning to do some cleaning and reorganizing this summer . Hopefully with a slower pace , we will be able to accomplish that . After beginning the week with 3 12 hour days , my cold symptoms that turn up when I 'm over tired have reappeared . I 'm almost ready for Sunday , and hope to be ready before I take Daughter home tonight after choir . I 'm looking forward to doing some work in the yard tomorrow . We had some more snow today . I think everybody here is ready for spring to come and stay . It 's been cruelly teasing us . . . . Daughter 's first 3 years of school were exceedingly difficult . We did not live in a good neighborhood , and her school was rather chaotic . With her extreme PTSD , she found it very difficult . It was a major battle every morning to get her off to school . The school refused to believe there was a problem . When her PTSD was triggered , she 'd shut down . They saw her as a quiet , compliant student . They informed me that no child wants to go to school . She began cutting herself when she was in first grade . Her first therapist was not very helpful . She had done battle with a school before , and lost , so she was unwilling to go to battle again . I remember sitting in a meeting with the school psychologist in which she informed me Daughter was like her children , and they were all perfectly normal . I said , " Oh , do your children cut themselves on the fresh air return of the furnace because it 's the only sharp thing they can find in the house ? " She was horrified , " Of course not ! " Daughter did . They refused to acknowledge the problem . Part of the challenge was she still was having trouble communicating . She could now talk and form complete sentences , but she was unable to explain why she was so terrified of school . She became obsessed with the Power Rangers . I didn 't approve , and didn 't want her watching it , but then she began insisting she had to wear pink every day like Kimberly on the Power Rangers . I realized she was seeing them as capable of keeping themselves safe from monsters , and that identifying with Kimberly was making it a little easier to get her to school . With second grade came a new therapist and psychotic episodes . Her teacher was off sick , and the subs couldn 't control the class . A little boy mooned the class one day ( but Daughter couldn 't tell me ) . She was convinced there were snakes in her desk . She began poking herself with sharp pencils in school . We had her evaluated and an IEP meeting . The teacher insisted there was absolutely nothing wrong with the child , the problem was the parent . We set up a safety plan - - if she felt like injuring herself , she 'd go to the principal 's office . I began getting calls to come get her , she wasn 't safe . They still refused to acknowledge that it wasn 't working for her to be in the regular class room . The principal observed , and reported Daughter was quiet and well behaved . A special ed teacher observed , and reported Daughter looked terrified and didn 't seem to understand what was going on . Finally , we got an independent psychological evaluation . The psychiatrist wrote a letter , explaining that Daughter was having psychotic episodes . Sister took a day off from teaching her class of emotionally disturbed children to come and advocate for Daughter in a second meeting . Daughter insisted on being there to speak for herself . She informed them that there were snakes in her desk and monsters in the classroom and the teacher couldn 't keep her safe . The teacher scoffed , the independent psychologist informed her that for Daughter , those snakes and monsters were real . We finally got her into a smaller Reverend Mom Daughter claims she blacked out at her program yesterday . I was busy with a pastoral call , and didn 't get the phone message until long after the event . She was sobbing hysterically , saying nothing like that had ever happened to her before . They handled it well , remaining calm , and by evening she was fine . I haven 't even talked to her today - - just a few text messages . I think she is continuing to grieve the loss of her dreams . It 's not easy being Daughter . I 'll try to write more of her history tomorrow . This is a very busy week - - I 'm into my third 12 hour day in a row , so I 'm tired and don 't have the energy to write it now . Plus , I want to get as much work done as possible so I will have Friday off this week . I think I wrote everything I need to write for the newsletter today . I 'm doing premarital counseling with a couple tonight , but first I 'm going to go get some supper . I 'll take some work with me . It 's a good thing I love what I 'm doing so much . . . . Safety has always been very important to Daughter . She has special difficulties at night . Of course , one of her brothers testified in court that when she cried at night their dad would go in and backhand her . I 'm also pretty sure she was molested at night . For years , she sought a safe place to sleep , especially when other things were triggering her PTSD . She never wanted her bedroom door closed - - though she now sleeps with it closed . I remember the day she was throwing a tantrum . I picked her up to carry her into her bedroom and put her on her bed . When I started to close the door behind me , she panicked , holding up her hand and saying , " No ! No ! No ! " I told her she needed to stop crying then . It was a struggle for her , but she stopped . She did not want to be alone in her bedroom with the door closed . Once , when she was afraid of the monster in the closet , I asked her what the monster looked like . Her response was quick , " Daddy . " After watching the Start Trek episode Shore Leave , in which Dr . McCoy stands in front of a female crew member to protect her from a knight on a horse , she named my big teddy bear Dr . McCoy . She took him everywhere to protect her . She slept in her bed for a while , then she moved to her closet . She tried the guest room , then my closet . She slept on floor of my room . It finally reached the point where she couldn 't sleep unless she was literally sleeping on top of me . She wouldn 't go into the bathroom without me , and she wouldn 't take a bath . She would only take a shower if it was with me and I stood between her and the drain . She was afraid she would slip into the drain , where her brothers and father were waiting for her . She had also begun hearing voices . At age 7 , she went on her first anti - psychotic . For the first time in weeks I was able to shower alone . I couldn 't believe how good that felt . I hadn 't realized how stressful it was to have her next to me all the time . She no longer needed to be sleeping on top of me , which meant I slept better . For years stress would drive her to the floor next to me bed to sleep . I can 't imagine what it must be like not to feel safe in your bedroom or the bathroom , but that 's what her birth family had done to her . Posted by Daughter is now sleeping on the sofa in my study . A little while ago she was sobbing as though her heart were broken . She wants to be normal . She wants to live independently . It 's not fair that she was born with mental issues . She wants a real job . It looks like her life will be moving from group home to group home , and that 's not what she wants . So what prompted this ? I think the big thing was people asking her how she likes her new home . It got her to thinking about the things she doesn 't like about it . She doesn 't feel they are listening to her . She says they write things down , but never act on them . The owner has been promising to get her cable TV in her room , but hasn 't followed through yet . She feels like they are making empty promises , that she isn 't being heard . She saw this as another step towards independence , but she doesn 't see them doing anything to encourage her independence . She wants to be responsible for her own meds and insulin . I told her she needed to learn to be responsible with her money first . She doesn 't see how that can ever happen . It 's hard being Daughter . Very hard . She has escaped into sleep , I have too much to do to sleep . So I 'm looking at her and grieving for her . We will be heading to the nursing home for worship soon , and then I will drop her off and come back here to finish my preparations for the class I 'm teaching at 6 : 00 . Posted by Daughter gradually began to talk , and as she began to talk , I began to realize what all she 'd lived through . I remember one evening she was just in a bad mood . I finally asked her what was wrong . She said , " [ teen brother ] snake mouth . " I repeated it , and pondered . Suddenly it hit me . " Are you telling me that [ teen brother ] put his snake in your mouth ? " She was adamant , " Yes . " Then she waved her hand in front of her mouth . " Yucky . " Once she 'd told me and I 'd understood , her mood improved . I just felt sick . She talked about it several more times , once telling me that soap came out of it . I didn 't want to believe it , but it certainly did explain so much . She continued to have court - ordered visits with dad . I didn 't tell her in advance that I was taking her for a visit , because I didn 't want to distress her . I 'd tell her when we were on our way . One day as we headed to the visit she said to me , " Mommy , you killed my daddy . " As you can see , she had begun speaking in sentences , though it could still be challenging to figure out what she was talking about . I was horrified by her accusation , and assured her I hadn 't killed her daddy . She repeated this several times , and then she said , " Mommy , I want you to kill my daddy . " She was sitting in the front seat , and having said that , she reached across and grabbed my arm , wrapping herself around it . It took a very long time to get the visits stopped , and I 'll talk more about the court battles later . Posted by Thursday night I accidentally left my cell phone at the church . It had been a long day , and I was tired . Yesterday morning a friend and I went for a walk , leaving a little before 7 . Daughter had not yet called , and I didn 't think to call her . She knew I 'd forgotten my cell phone , and I knew there would be lots of messages from her on my voice mail when I got home . When I arrived home a little after 8 : 00 , she had left 3 messages . I was relieved , because she didn 't sound scared , just angry . Sometimes when she can 't reach me she convinces herself I 'm can 't answer the phone because something terrible has happened . I called her immediately , but she didn 't answer . I left her a voice mail explaining what had happened . When she called back , she was furious . The bus service that transports her to program didn 't have her on their list when they picked up her housemate . They called the bus service , and they had forgotten to put her name on the list . They didn 't have any buses available to pick her up . " I can 't handle being here all day ! You 've said yourself I can 't handle it ! " I tried to calm her down . I told her I was sorry they 'd messed up her schedule , and while it would be hard , I knew she could handle being at her house all day . I reminder her I 'd never said she couldn 't handle it , I had said it was hard for her to handle unstructured time . She was trying to reach the home owner to get her to take her to program . She didn 't want to miss program . It was her fun day . She went on until I told her I had to get to the church . On the way to the church , I stopped for gas . When I got to the church , Administrative Assistant ( who has a daughter with drama queen tendencies ) was smiling . " Daughter called here . She 's not happy . You are going to have a long day . " About that time , Daughter called again . She was still ranting and raving about how she couldn 't handle being home all day . I shared her frustration with the bus company , and reminded her of the variety of things she had that she could do at the house . I refused to go get heI suggested some ways she could keep busy . I got a subdued acknowledgement of what I 'd said . Administrative Assistant was still very amused . A little later Daughter called again . Home Owner was sending someone to take her to program . She 'd talked to the bus company , and they would bring her home . Daughter was happy . The day was saved . Posted by Birth Mom had Borderline Personality Disorder . She once told me that being a mom meant taking your child to the doctor 's office . She had a lot of appointments scheduled for Daughter . I was just taking care of her temporarily , so Birth Mom was involved with all the doctor 's appointments . It quickly became obvious they didn 't have much of a connection . I would pick Birth Mom up and transport them both to appointments . I tried to step back , as this was temporary , but Birth Mom wouldn 't hold her hand in the parking lot or do other things I considered appropriate to keep a young child safe . I remember one day when Birth Mom took Daughter back for a blood draw . Daughter came out , sobbing . Birth Mom was walking beside her , quite excited , " She 's just like me ! They have trouble finding my veins , too . " I was the one who comforted Daughter . Gradually she stopped calling all women mommy . I became mommy , and Birth Mom became " other mommy . " ( She now refers to her by her first name . ) She was having court ordered visits with Dad . I noticed that there was much regression following those visits . I will talk about the court battle to get those stopped in another post . I remember one day grandmother brought teenage brother and cousin over to visit her . Grandmother was trying to get her to say her cousin 's name , and Daughter would just repeat the last syllable . Grandmother began yelling at her . I finally stuck my head around the corner and said , " She can 't hear you . " Grandmother was surprised , and demanded to know how I knew . I said she had a severe hearing loss and would be getting a hearing aid soon . She stopped yelling at Daughter to say the name right . Once she got the hearing aid , she began to learn more words and talk more . It was slow going . I began to wonder if she would ever speak in sentences . There were times when her inability to communicate was very frustrating . One hard night I decided she needed to know what had happened to the rest of her family . I explained that none of them were living together . Teenage brother was with grandmother , Birth Mom and Dad lived apart , and her school age brother had a new family . I was rocking her , and at that news she sat up straight and looked at me . " [ Brother ] new family ? " I affirmed he was in a new family . Her face lit up , and she clapped her hands , cheering . I wondered what all had gone on in that home . Posted by When Daughter came to me , she was almost 3 years old . She didn 't talk , and wasn 't potty trained . Her hair was a short , tangled mess . The first Sunday I took her to church with her hair braided , one of the women came over and nodded approvingly . " Good , now her hair will grow . " Seeing my blank look , she explained , " We braid our hair to make it grow . " She was right , it did begin to grow . She was also diagnosed with a high pitch hearing loss . I remember when I brought her home with her loaner hearing aid . I put a video in for her to watch and went in to the kitchen to start supper . Then I realized she was too quiet . I went to see what she was doing , and she was standing in front of the TV , transfixed . The video had a female narrator , and I realized she was hearing it for the first time . It was amazing to watch her discover sounds . She began to drag out her s . I realized she was hearing it for the first time . She stopped saying " yeh " and started saying " yessss . " I couldn 't afford daycare , and until I was licensed , they couldn 't pay me for doing foster care . She went almost every where with me . I had a couple of people who 'd help out when I needed to go to the hospital or something . I quickly realized she was afraid of closed bedroom doors . Bedtime was hard , and a ritual began that continued for years : a story , a hymn , a prayer , and then the reassurances , " You 're safe here and nobody is going to hurt you . " It was years before I could walk by her bedroom without her waking up , terrified . There were nights when I sat rocking her and singing for hours . She quickly began calling me mommy . Then I realized she was calling all women mommy . All men were daddy or papa , depending on their age . It was a great day when I became the only person she called mommy . One day she fell asleep on the sofa in my study at the church . As I began to put her coat on her to go home , she woke up . " Come on , I 'm taking you home . " Silent tears began to roll down her cheeks . I was puzzled . " We need to go home and see the kitty cat . " Her face lit up . I realized in horror that she thought I had been referring to taking her back to her family . She was no longer standing with her back in the corner , observing , now she was greeting everyone in sight . The church I served was not in a good neighborhood . One winter day as I was getting ready to leave , I heard shouting outside . I was frustrated , because it would soon be dark and we needed Reverend Mom Daughter 's family were members of the first church I served . They were not super active , since they lived about 20 miles from the church . As an interracial couple , there weren 't many churches where they felt welcomed , and the church I was serving was multi - cultural . Her mother was so excited when she became pregnant . " I 'm going to give you your first baby to baptize ! " I first met Daughter while she was still in the hospital due to some complications related to her mother 's diabetes . Her mother was excited to finally have a daughter . They had a son in his early teens and a boy in 2nd grade . When Daughter was 2 , her mother called me one day . The younger boy had been beaten by his father the previous night , leaving bruises . She went to the school for help , and they helped her connect with the battered women 's shelter , where she moved with the 3 children . I made the drive over to visit her in the shelter . I remember Daughter , standing in the corner with her big eyes , watching everything that was going on . Her mother had given her an apple to eat . I was surprised she hadn 't cut it up for her . Over the next few months the family continued to disintegrate . They were in family counseling . I went over to visit one day , and was uncomfortable with the way the boys played with Daughter when they got home . I wondered if there was some sexual content there . I made sure they were still in family counseling . The older boy beat up the younger boy , necessitating separating him from the younger children and eventually hospitalizing him . He moved in with his paternal grandmother . Then one night in early March the mother called me . She 'd fallen and broken her shoulder . If I didn 't come get her kids " for the weekend " the county would come take them . I made some phone calls , and then headed over to get them . I dropped the boy off with a couple in the church , knowing I couldn 't handle him , as he was already getting in trouble with the law . I took Daughter home with me . I took them back so the boy could go to school Monday . Tuesday I was back over there to get Daughter again , as birth mom wasn 't coping . She 's been with me ever since . At first it was just temporary . Mom was going to get back on her feet and make a place for Daughter . I had no intention of becoming a parent . I was busy being a pastor . By the time I realized this wasn 't going to be short term , I was hooked . I became a licensed foster parent . Posted by 18 years ago today I officially adopted Daughter . It was the day after Easter , and family and friends were in town for the celebration . The judge usually handled adoptions in his chambers , but there were too many of us , so he cleared the court room so we could do it there . Our attorney forgot , even though she had two families there to finalize adoptions that morning . The bailiff called her and she got there , fortunately . Daughter was 8 years old and had lived with me for just over 5 years . She called me early this morning to wish me happy adoption day . She was crying as she sang this song to me . It has been a rough road . I 'm glad I didn 't know what I was getting into , because I would have decided I couldn 't do it . I do not regret adopting her . She has made me a better person and a better pastor . I think I 'm going to do a series of posts about the Daughter 's journey to me and our journey to adoption . Posted by Daughter called yesterday evening . They were out of syringes and couldn 't give her her long acting insulin . It seems the old house still has boxes of them , but didn 't turn them over . I wasn 't happy that they decided not to go get them last night . I also wasn 't happy that they didn 't realize until bedtime that they were out . I haven 't addressed this with the house . I don 't expect perfection . My hope is that they have learned from this , and it won 't happen again . Posted by There are lots of hurting people in the world . I spent some time listening to a woman who is dealing with the impact of mental illness in her family , including threats and completed suicide . We had a couple of people at the hospital today , and both are very difficult situations . Then I received a text alerting me about the events in Boston . I grieve . With all the pain , I wish we could learn to have compassion for one another . We are living in a society that promotes and celebrates hatred . Those who are different are seen as the enemy . We can show compassion for those who are hurting without fanning the flames of hatred . That is my prayer , that we discover the power of compassion for all God 's children . It 's been a long , good day . Friday I received an email asking whether I 'd consider doing a nonmember wedding . I responded with what I would charge , and told them that if they were still interested , they should come to worship , and if they liked my style , we 'd talk . I figured that would be the end of it . My experience is people think the minister and church should just donate their time . With premarital counseling , a wedding takes 7 - 8 hours of my time . So I was surprised when the response asked about when worship was , and pleased when the couple actually showed up in worship today . They were greeted very warmly by the congregation . I 'm meeting with them next Sunday at 1 : 00 . After worship , I took Daughter to lunch and then took her home . I went back to the church , where I had a 2 : 00 meeting . Following the meeting I started on next week 's bulletin . At 6 : 00 I taught a course on being a caring church . We have set up a system to turn much of the pastoral care over to members , and this class was part of it . This morning some members were talking with a woman who is caring for her husband with Alzheimer 's . The stress is taking a heavy toll on her , and tomorrow she 's going to the hospital for testing . They suspect she has an ulcer , probably caused by stress . This evening I received an email . Two of the class members tonight will be at the hospital with her tomorrow . This congregation truly does know how to love one another , and it 's wonderful to see them taking responsibility for this kind of care , freeing me up to focus on worship , teaching , and moving the congregation forward in exciting ways . Posted by So last night we began a new ministry , and I was there to support it - - over 5 hours on my day off . I was not involved in planning it , and I wanted to be there to greet the parents and the children , as half were not connected with the church . It was a wonderful opportunity to make connections . Plus , it was just plain fun . Tomorrow , we are beginning a new class to educate people on visiting and caring for hurting people . I 'm spending time today finalizing plans for the class . I didn 't have sufficient time this past week due to being out of the office so much . Some members are sponsoring an opportunity to try curling Monday evening - - after a church meeting I need to attend - - I think it begins at 9 : 00 and ends at 10 : 30 . . . . Even though I 'm delegating lots of things , there are times when it is hard to keep up with everything that is going on . A member was trying to convince me to come to the curling event I didn 't guarantee anything , but I will probably feel guilty if I don 't at least drop by . Today I 'm trying to get some things done around the house while finalizing plans for tomorrow . I 'm very grateful that Daughter is now living in a group home . It means I don 't have to impose this schedule on her . It also means I have the freedom to work more hours and do more things . I think an additional 24 hours a week would be helpful . I 'm flexible - - it could be in the form of an additional day , or it could be 3 1 / 2 hours added to each day . Even the ability to function well on 3 1 / 2 to 4 hours of sleep a night would help . Until the extra 24 hours appear , I 'm going to have to continue to prioritize carefully , delegating what I can and choosing carefully where I will become involved . Posted by We had our first Friday evening program for children tonight . Kids came for an evening that included music , a Bible story , craft , games , and piñata . Parents had the opportunity for a date night while we entertained the children . I was the story teller . I had so much fun , and I 'm so proud of my people . Half of the children who attended were not from the church . None of the children were ready to leave when their parents arrived to get them . I love spending time with children , and I haven 't had much opportunity here . Tonight I had plenty of time to do that , and it was so much fun . The workers were talking about ideas to make it even better next month . Our numbers weren 't huge this month , but I think that was good . It gave us an opportunity to test the program with a small group . I 'm confident it will grow . When all those kids go out and talk about how much fun they had , their friends will want to be a part of it . When the parents talk about how nice it was to have a date night , their friends will want to know more . It is wonderful to be a part of a congregation that is willing to try new ways of reaching out to the community . I am so blessed to be here . Daughter called and wanted to come help this evening . I told her maybe next time . . . . We 'll see . We had an all day regional church meeting on Tuesday . The regional church committee that I convene was scheduled to meet this afternoon . Last week I emailed the committee members ( 8 total ) , asking if they would be able to meet today and offering another option . This was the best day for the majority of the committee with all but one saying they would attend . I wasn 't thrilled about a day and a half on regional church stuff in one week , but I decided I would make it work . Yesterday 2 committee members cancelled out . This morning a third one did . Yes , I was frustrated . One of the four of us left attending had to take half a day of vacation to attend , so it wouldn 't have been fair to him to cancel the meeting . The four remaining committee members plus a staff person gathered this afternoon . None of us were on time . It was , however , a productive meeting . We have done more since I took over as convener last month than we 'd done in the previous year I 'd served on the committee . Hopefully people will realize the meetings are worth attending now . Of course , after all the time I 've been out of the office this week , I will be in the office tomorrow . Fortunately , that doesn 't happen too often . I had to drag Daughter to the meeting . Sister Best Friend was also going to be attending , so she texted Daughter last night to ask her if she 'd be willing to fold bulletins during the meeting . After finding out how many were involved , Daughter agreed to do the job . When she called me last night , she said , " One of your friends asked me to fold bulletins . How did they know to ask me ? " I told her the friend was Aunt SBF . She liked that she 'd get to see SBF today . She also saved SBF 's number to her contact list . SBF may end up regretting having sent a text to Daughter , giving her the cell phone number . I know Daughter has already sent her at least one text . Then again , she did get her bulletins folded . The other minister at the meeting was pondering what office work he could bring for Daughter next month . . . . Today I had another conversation with a member insisting they were moving south . Everybody is more than ready for spring . It has been very gray . We 've had winds and thunderstorms and lots of rain . We have snow in the forecast for Friday . I have some crocuses that have bloomed , but the daffodils and other spring flowers haven 't yet . This morning at breakfast a colleague said , " I vowed I wouldn 't complain this year . Last year our early warm up followed by more cold destroyed the fruit crop . So I 'm not going to complain that it 's still cold and gray . " She looked very tired as she said this . Daughter has had meltdowns the last two days . I walked through the grocery store this afternoon talking to her on my cell phone and trying to get her to calm own . She was terrified . The other woman in the house had a meltdown and threw things at her . She was genuinely worried about her safety there . I don 't think there 's anything wrong that some sunshine and warmer weather wouldn 't cure . I 've had several conversations recently with some or our returned snowbirds . I think they all wished they 'd stayed in the south longer this year . I actually look forward to complaining about the heat in a few months . . . . I 'm in the process of building raised garden beds in my garage , so my car has been sitting in my driveway . My house is close to the main road , and I know there are some people who check it out whenever they drive by . I explained I was building more raised garden beds . " Call when you need help putting the in the ground . " I knew that was coming , too . He and his wife helped me put them in last year . Once I get them built , they are too heavy for me to move around . This is a wonderful place to be . Posted by She doesn 't appreciate it when I refuse to get all uptight over her crises . She gets mad when I laugh . I told her last night that she should be grateful she has a TV and DVD / VCR in her room . I think she knew where that was headed , because she stopped complaining . Anyway , I 'm enjoying the fact that her crises are now so easy to dismiss . Yesterday I was explaining to a member that she 'd moved into a new group home . She objected . Her last place was a group home . This place is just home . I like that . Posted by A woman who buried her son in the fall was talking about how hard the first Easter was . Our college student nursery attendant is having an MRI this week . She is having symptoms consistent with MS . She hasn 't told her parents , as she doesn 't want them to worry . I hooked her up with a nurse and a woman who was diagnosed with MS 35 years ago - - when she was about the nursery attendant 's age . It was a God thing - - I had put our bag at a table downstairs , and NA sat down to eat there , not knowing we would be there . I mentioned the suicide of Rick Warren 's son in worship today . A man came to talk to me about baptism and heaven . I suspect he was thinking about his son , who committed suicide as a young adult . We had a good conversation - - I hope I addressed the sub - text of the conversation and gave him what he needed . A man came over and was talking about the frustration of not being able to do the yard work he 'd like to do because of back issues . A young woman in the congregation is going to see a specialist this week . She has melanoma on her leg , which was discovered last week . Daughter was eager to go home , so she 's back at her house . I considered doing some more work on my raised garden boxes today , but decided to relax , instead . I was up until midnight last night watching basketball . I 'm going to start some more seeds in the basement this afternoon and putter in the kitchen , but no construction projects today . Posted by I picked Daughter up this afternoon . Instead of a tub filled with all her medications , they gave me her meds for the rest of today and tomorrow morning . I like this . Her blood sugars have been excellent since she moved - - her morning numbers are a bit high , so I have to figure out how to address that , but the rest of the day her numbers are great . This house is going to be good for her . She has stopped calling insisting I rescue her . She told me when she heads out in the morning one of the staff members hugs her and tells her she loves her . Daughter said , " That makes me feel good . " We spend some time working in the backyard . Spring clean - up was complicated by 2 things : the removal of a large locust tree in November and the running of TV cable last month . They didn 't do a great job of picking up all the sticks when they cut down my tree . They also left a number of holes in the yard where large limbs fell . The people running the cable moved one of my compost bins , dumping the compost all over the garden . I returned it to its proper position and put the compost back in it today . I also raked up lots of sticks and some thatch , which Daughter put in the yard waste cans for me . I made nachos for supper , and Daughter loved them . For snack she agreed to try cottage cheese with pineapple - - and loved it . It 's been a good day . I didn 't work in the yard today , but I did start a spring project . I am constructing two more raised garden beds , and also trellises to tame my raspberries . So today I bought some more lumber and some paint . I spent the later afternoon and evening cutting lumber and painting it . It 's easier this year , because I know what I 'm doing . It also helps that I purchased a couple of saw horses . I 'm not sure when I 'll get them finished and in the ground . I suspect the ground is still frozen , which would make digging the holes for the posts a definite challenge . I have crocuses blooming now , but still no daffodils . It is supposed to get up to 58 tomorrow , so hopefully I can finish my spring clean up in the back yard . My 4 cans of yard waste got emptied yesterday . It was a long day , and I was delighted to discover when I got home ( after 9 : 00 ) that some kind soul had moved the cans from the curb to up next to my garage door . It certainly made it easier for me . I love spring , and am eager to spend more time working in the yard . A member of the church emailed me , seeking advice . She is considering moving to the southwest . I asked her how much of the desire to move was simply that it is the end of a long , gray winter . We 're going to get together for breakfast this week to talk about it more . Maybe we 'll have enough signs of spring by then that she 'll have decided she doesn 't want to move . . . . . Yesterday was Daughter 's first day of volunteering in the office . She shredded offering envelopes from 1994 and did some filing - - beginning with items from the end of October . There are plenty of things she can do around the office for the foreseeable future . There are too many things that don 't get done due to time constraints . I don 't think Daughter realized I meant it when I said she 'd have to work . She doesn 't like shredding , and has burned out the motors of shredders to prove her point . I gave her guidelines for her shredding yesterday - - no more than 3 envelopes at a time , and give the shredder a rest whenever it got hot . I also told her that if she burned out the motor , she would be buying a new shredder . She followed the guidelines and did well . We kept the box she emptied , and will refill it each week for her . At one point she got mad and went outside , but she came back in and returned to work . At the end of the day , she said we were like yo - yos . We asked for clarification , and she said we were going back and forth and up and down and doing lots of different things . A fairly accurate assessment . I was not feeling well yesterday , and spent much of the day coughing and blowing my nose . I took Daughter out for supper , and then we were back at the church for choir . I was glad to take her home last night . It was nice to be able to sleep in this morning . She 's always had to be ready for the bus at 6 : 30 when she stayed with me , so it was a treat . I 'm feeling better today after a good night 's sleep . I realized yesterday that I am once again over scheduled next week . I have all day Monday and Wednesday afternoon in the office next week . The rest of the time I will be away for various commitments . We got the bulletin done for the 14th yesterday , so that helps a bit . Overall , Daughter seems to be doing well at the new house . It certainly is more convenient for me . She wasn 't too happy about not being able to spend Thursday night with me , but I liked it . I 'll probably pick her up tomorrow afternoon and let her spend Reverend Mom Yesterday evening Daughter called , quite happy . " They know what they 're doing here . I 'm safe . " She went on to thank me for all I 've done for her . She told me she appreciated my support . I will keep remembering that phone call . I will need to remember that . What goes up , must come down - - or at least with Daughter that seems to be the way it is . This afternoon Daughter texted me to tell me she needs a new ipod by Friday . I replied that she 'd best start saving her money . Tonight she called to tell me she couldn 't stay at her house - - it 's hell . I asked what was wrong . She said the prayers before meals are too long . I didn 't drop everything to run over their and rescue her . In fact , I didn 't even show her any sympathy . I told her she 'd adjust . Posted by Yesterday evening I received the anticipated texts and phone calls demanding I come rescue her immediately . As she knew I would , I refused . I was in a meeting , so didn 't talk to her until it was over . As I anticipated , by then she was calmer . She was upset over " blood sugar issues . " Her blood sugar had ranged from 88 to 119 that day . Excellent blood sugars . I pointed out that those were extremely good blood sugars . She said , " I know , but I 'm not used to them . " Too true . She went to bed early , exhausted , and slept well . The bus service didn 't know they were supposed to pick up Daughter today , though it was set up several weeks ago . Daughter doesn 't have the punch card she needs to ride the bus , though she should have received it . . . . Those are minor bumps . I had a phone call this morning and a couple of texts this afternoon about getting her hair done . All in all , things seem to be going well for Daughter . It was a low key day in the office . Both Administrative Assistant and Treasurer were shocked to see me filling out the paperwork for my March mileage reimbursement . Treasurer was happy because the books balanced easily for March . We had a number of people drop by for various reasons . I wrote a bunch of birthday notes and several other notes . We figured out Sunday 's bulletin . I was delighted to discover I had most of what I needed from a pulpit exchange I did the Sunday after Easter two years ago . I 'll do some tweaking and reworking , but it will be an easy week in terms of worship prep . That 's good , as I have several meetings tomorrow and need to spend some time planning out the class that begins a week from Sunday . I 'm planning to host the young single women in the congregation for supper at my house some Friday night soon . I was going to do all the cooking , but decided instead to have a salad supper . I 'll ask everyone to bring their favorite salad . I 'll provide dessert and drinks . I think it will be fun . The oldest of the group emailed me today seeking advice . She said something about me being motherly . Once agaPosted by Daughter is safely ensconced at her new home . Four Guys and a Trailer had it done very quickly . Sorting through the meds and paperwork took a bit longer . Tidbits : Her old house wasn 't handling her meds properly . Insulin should be thrown out 30 days after it is opened . She had 9 unopened boxes of her long acting insulin . They had a 4 month supply of her patch . I could go on , but you get the idea . . . . The other woman at the new house is the daughter of a staff member at the old house . ( Does that say a lot or what ? ) There are lots of people having issues with billing with the pharmacy . In 9 years of running houses , the owner of the new home says no one has moved out . Daughter handled it well . There were some tears , she was showing some stress , but overall she did a fantastic job . When I got there this morning , she had removed the linens from her bed and stacked the mattress and box spring against the wall so it would be easier for the guys to remove the headboard and collapse the frame . I was impressed . The next few weeks will have challenges as everyone adjusts , but it will work out , and I 'm grateful . Posted by As I was driving home after dropping Daughter off yesterday evening , a praise song was running through my mind as I struggled with tears . I 'm glad the move day has arrived , I 'm glad there are possibilities for Daughter . We 've had many conversations as I 've sought to help Daughter with her stress . I 've tried to normalize her experience . She mentioned that she was just moving to a new room , and it didn 't feel right . I told her about the many different dorm rooms I lived in when I was a young adult . This helped her . For me , it added to the pain . I went to college at the normal age . At 27 , I had completed college , seminary , and was ordained . Daughter most likely will be moving from room to room her entire life . It 's not fair . It 's not the goal I had for her when she came to live with me 23 years ago . It 's not the dream she has for herself . It 's hard . Very hard . At what point do I kill her dreams and tell her it 's very unlikely she will ever be able to live independently and adopt a special needs child ( her stated goal ) ? So as I drove home last night , I sang on a song of praise , grateful for the resurrection , Daughter , time with Sister and Short Niece , and the fact that Daughter will be moving today . I struggled with my grief , grief over impossible dreams and unfair limits . I had mixed emotions . Daughter has called this morning , sobbing . " I accidentally snapped . " She is saying good bye to the people she has lived with and come to care for over the last 15 months . She knows she won 't see some of them again . She fears for their safety . Her fears are real , and reality based . I worry , too . Will she be able to advocate strongly enough for her self to assure her safety when I 'm no longer around . Time to get dressed and go walk through a difficult day with my beloved Daughter . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
The conventional wisdom is that when the market is good , you should just get a 30 - year fixed rate mortgage to take advantage of the low interest rates by locking them in . When we bought our house , the market was good . Not great , but good . Nevertheless , since we were buying just as I was going into the first year of 3 years of law school , we opted for the 5 - year ARM . Adjustable rate mortgages give you a fixed rate for the first few years , and then they vary each year after that . The rate is lower for the initial period . We figured we 'd probably sell our house once I was out of law school for two years , so the 5 - year ARM worked for us and got us a lower rate . Little did we know . I did a dual - degree program and took 4 years to finish school , and then we went to Alaska for 2 years . So our mortgage rate is adjusting this year , and we 're nowhere close to selling our house . I got the Notice of Intent to Change the Interest Rate on Adjustable Rate Mortgage from our bank today . Scary stuff , right ? Our rate is gonna go up like everyone fears , right ? I laughed out loud . Our rate is tied to the 1 Year US Treasury Security Weekly Average . Our initial ARM rate was 5 . 375 % . The new rate for this next year is 3 . 25 % . Our new mortgage payment is a fiver short of $ 300 . ( That 's down from $ 350 . ) We 'll keep paying the $ 400 we always pay , of course , but now that 'll be more money going towards our principal . ( As you probably surmised , Samara and I returned safely from Fairbanks . The flights were uneventful , we took most of the day off from work on Friday , Dillingham has turned green , I went hiking with Anthony , and then today we had dinner with Erin , Anthony and Saramay . Shaping up to be a good weekend so far , except for a little rain . ) First , some background . Samara is here in Fairbanks for training , and I just decided to come along with her so that we could spend some time together outside of Dillingham . We arrived in Fairbanks a few days early and did some shopping along with various touristy activities . When I asked people what we should do in Fairbanks , more than a few folks thought it would be a good idea to drive the couple hours down to Denali National Park and do some hiking . Samara and I had actually planned to do that , but she ended up getting sick on Tuesday . It just didn 't seem like such a good idea to take a really long drive when she wasn 't feeling well . There isn 't a bookstore in Dillingham , so we picked up a lot of new books when we first arrived in Fairbanks . One of the ones I picked out was Into the Wild , by Jon Krakauer . This is a true story about a young man from a good family , Chris McCandless , who took up a vagabond lifestyle , traveling around the United States . His ultimate destination was Alaska , where he ended up in Fairbanks . From there , he traveled down to a road outside Denali National Park called Stampede Trail . This road was built by mining companies in the 1960s . It 's a 50 mile road to nowhere , and about halfway down this road is an old city bus that was put out there to provide shelter for the miners using the road . Chris went out to the old bus alone and tried to live off the land . He arrived in the spring , and by the beginning of fall , his body was found by some moose hunters . He had starved to death , despite apparent success in hunting small game and gathering local roots and berries . The road on the right side is the highway to Denali National Park . Stampede Trail ( now known as Stampede Road ) goes west from the road , just north of Healy . Some important landmarks to note on the map are Eightmile Lake and the line indicating the end of the maintained road . There are a few rivers that cross the trail , and none have bridges . The abandoned bus is about 10 to 15 miles off the end of the maintained road . I didn 't honestly think I would make it all the way to the bus , but I figured that if I drove down there to do a little hiking , that it might be an interesting experience . So when Samara went to training at 8am this morning , I got in the car and drove down to the Stampede Trail . It 's a two hour drive , and I had to be back around 5pm , so that only left a couple hours for hiking each direction ( in and out ) of the trail . Stampede is paved for the first few miles . I noted my odometer and figured I 'd make it about 10 miles in before I had to park and walk the rest of the trail . The paving actually gave out after 4 miles or so , right after a little hippie commune / bed & breakfast called Earthsong . After that , it was all river - rock gravel . It 's beautiful country . Of course , I only made it to about the eight mile mark before the maintained road ended . ( You could probably guess that based on the name Eightmile Lake on the map . ) It went quickly from a two - car - wide gravel road to a single - car gravel road with large potholes filled with water . I stopped at a little pull - off right before the road went to a single - car width and parked . It was definitely a good choice to stop there . As you can see , our white rental car is not a four - wheel drive monster . I 'm pretty sure I wasn 't even supposed to take it off the paved road , but considering how many gravel parking lots there are in downtown Fairbanks , I don 't feel too bad about going down Stampede Road as far as I did . The backpack was on sale at Sierra Trading and it 's a great bag . Samara bought me the carabiner and carabiner - handled coffee cup that you see clipped on . I have a filtration water bottle and regular water bottle packed inside , along with lunch , a change of clothes and a jacket . The shotgun is a single - shot H & R 12 gauge . I packed buckshot and slugs for bear protection . That might seem a little silly to those of you sitting in your living rooms in the lower 48 , but I was hiking alone in an area where brown bears ( grizzlies ) and black bears are both abundant . ( In fact , that 's what a lot of people go to Denali to see . ) When Samara told someone at her conference today that I was hiking Stampede Trail , they expressed concern about bears . That made me feel even better that I made the investment in a shotgun . ( Which , by the way , was an amazingly good deal . Just over $ 100 for a gun that provides bear protection , and I can also take it duck or grouse hunting in Dillingham . ) As you can see , it was very muddy . I had to dodge around some pretty big puddles , some of which took up the entire trail . It was fairly easy hiking , though . I had almost expected the road to simply end and have to pick my way through the overgrowth . I was worried about actually being able to follow the old trail . I needn 't have worried . If I 'd had four - wheel drive or an ATV , I could have driven the entire route I took . I 'm no expert , but I believe this is a spruce grouse . It was skittish enough to run away if I approached too quickly or too closely . Nevertheless , I got within five feet of one of these guys . I should think it would be easy to take these guys with a shotgun using birdshot , or even a . 22 rifle . They 're the size of a small chicken , so they should have a decent amount of meat . Speaking of evidence of humans , I wasn 't the only one on the trail . After I 'd gone a little ways , a guy came down the trail behind me on a mountain bike . He surprised me , to be honest . He stopped and chatted for a minute . He had just moved up to Healy and was going to see how far down the trail he could bike . We discussed the relative merits of a shotgun versus pepper spray for bears . While I 'll spoil the end now and tell you that I didn 't see any bears ( or any large game at all ) , I 'd still rather have a shotgun in hand than pepper spray in my backpack if I were to come across a large brown bear . The other evidence of human activity on the trail was the ATV tracks that followed the entire course and the fire pits that I stumbled across somewhat regularly . There was also evidence that folks liked to camp down this trail . Someone had taken a home - made pickup camper and dropped it off into the woods . I saw a few of these . Just as in Dillingham , they 're turning from winter white to summer brown . They were skittish , but only if I approached quickly . The other small game I saw were a couple of squirrels . I 'm used to eastern gray squirrels . These guys were brown , and they were pissed off that I was in their territory . Both squirrels I saw chittered at me loudly and stood their ground until I was very close . I don 't know what this area was like when Chris McCandless walked in here in the early 1990s , but it 's hardly the most remote area of the Alaska bush any more . I guess it probably wasn 't that remote when he was here either . That 's one reason it 's so sad that he starved just 30 miles or less from a main highway . I don 't know if any of these bits of water were the ones marked on the map . In all honesty , since I didn 't reach the bus or any other definite landmark before turning back , I have no way of knowing how far I hiked . I did hike for 2 hours in , so assuming an average speed of 1 . 5 to 2 miles per hour , we can assume I made it 3 or 4 miles past the end of the maintained road . That should have gotten me past the first stream marked on the map and possibly to the Savage River . I know the rivers flow quite differently depending on the season , but I just don 't know if I really reached any of the ones that are actually on the map . There I encountered another angry squirrel . He surprised me , but not enough to need to use any buckshot on him . He sure was loud and angry , though . If he 'd had a shotgun , he probably would have used it on me . I had planned to hike until 1pm and then turn around . I passed the mountain biker coming back my direction , and he asked how far out I thought the abandoned bus was . Apparently he knew about Chris McCandless , and had wanted to see the bus . He didn 't get that far , though , and he was moving much faster than I was . Shortly after we parted ways again , I reached another stream crossing the trail . I had read online that this wasn 't a very beautiful hike and that Denali was a better choice . I disagree . Sure , there weren 't lots of mountains , but it was still a very pretty area . I think the locals would rather discourage people that are only interested in the area because of the bestselling book , but I think it 's worth the hike to see such a notable area . I took some pictures of a couple of piles of scat that I crossed on the trail , but Samara says scat isn 't very photogenic and that I shouldn 't post it . So I won 't . But my guess is that it was moose scat , and that it was old . On the way back up , I was glad I had turned around when I did . My right ankle started to get really sore and I was slowed down considerably . I did see another spruce grouse on the way out . The second set were bear , I think . They 're very faint , so it 's hard to tell . I 'll post them anyway , and you can decide for yourself . There are two tracks in that picture , running diagonally from bottom left to top right . You can see separate toe prints on each one . ( Ignore the obvious ATV tracks at the bottom right of the photo and concentrate on the fainter tracks in the middle . ) I compared those to some images online , and they certainly could be bear . I didn 't see any actual bears , though . Of course , between the mountain biker running the trail ahead of me and me yelling out " hey - yup " every few minutes , I hopefully scared off any large predators . I didn 't have any desire to see a bear up close and personal . It threatened to rain on me all day , but it never quite opened up . I was thankful for that . The clouds looked ugly a couple of times , though . I wore a jacket for the first hundred yards of the trail , but I stripped down to my t - shirt after that . My pack actually made my back sweat a lot , and the pace kept me warm enough , even though it was a cooler day . I wrote that note on the back of the author 's bio page from Into The Wild ( which I carried with me for the map it contained ) . If Chris McCandless had left a note like this for someone , perhaps he wouldn 't have died a mere 30 miles from help . Better safe than sorry . I wasn 't even off the Stampede Trail when Samara called me on our pre - paid cellphone . ( There was no cellphone service after the maintained road ended , so I left the phone in the car , but as soon as I hit the maintained road , I got service again . ) I left her know that I hadn 't died and was on my way back to Fairbanks . It was a smooth trip back , and I arrived by 5pm . I took a nice hot bath to soak my ankle and wash off all the 40 % DEET bug spray I was wearing . ( Mosquitos are killer here ! ) After that , we ate a nice dinner at Chili 's . ( I actually miss chain restaurants - I 'm definitely not ready to go " into the wild " for good . ) Tomorrow we catch a 6 : 15am flight back to Dillingham via Anchorage . We 've enjoyed our mini - vacation in Fairbanks , and I hope you 've enjoyed reading about it . Cross your fingers - we 're hoping that when we get back to Dillingham , it 'll be as green there as it was here in the interior . Then maybe you 'll get some hiking - related posts from Dillingham . Not much to report for Wednesday . Samara did her first day of Cultural Recognition blah - di - blah … whatever it was called . ( You know , her seminar on how not to be the white oppressor . ) She was gone from 8am until dinner . I ran around town and did a little shopping , but nothing too exciting to speak of . I did finish reading Into The Wild , about the guy that lived in a bus up here in the Alaska bush and died of starvation . Turns out that the bus he lived on isn 't far off the beaten path , and is between here and Denali . So while Samara is at her training tomorrow , I 'm going to drive down there and do a little hiking to see if I can find where the guy was living . It should make for an interesting blog post with some pictures . It will also let me try out some of my new hiking equipment . Monday was Day Two in Fairbanks . We didn 't end up seeing a movie on Sunday . We just did a little shopping instead . After we got back to the hotel , we realized that sleeping was going to be harder than Dillingham . The sun sets after 11 : 30pm here , and rises again around 4am . We never see the night . The bed at the Extended Stay was less than great . We both woke up Monday with hurting backs . We slept in for a while , then went out and had some breakfast . At Taco Bell . Well , we did get up late , and Taco Bell is something Samara really misses in Dillingham . After that , we drove around a bit and found a tattoo shop and salon right next to each other . Samara wanted me to get a haircut , so we stopped in there first . Since it was going to be a fifteen minute wait , we went next door and spoke to the guys at the tattoo shop . One of the guys there really admired my sleeve - Scott should be proud . He said it was the best work he 'd seen from outside his shop . Next activity for the day was a little canoeing down the Chena River . Chena River runs through downtown Fairbanks . We rented a canoe near Pioneer Park and paddled downstream to the Pump House restaurant , where the canoe rental folks picked us up . They said it would take at least two hours , but we were done in about an hour and a half . I guess we 're fast paddlers . After we did the canoeing thing , we decided to take a trip to Chena Hot Springs . This is about 60 miles up the road , through the Chena State Recreation Area . There 's a little resort there that has a hot springs . It costs $ 10 to swim all day . The drive was probably the nicest part . In fact , as we were driving through the Recreation Area , I saw my first up - close moose ! It was on the left side of the road , just grazing , and I saw some brown movement and slowed the car down . It took Samara a minute to get her camera out of her purse , so the best picture I got was of its rear end headed into the woods . The Chena Hot Springs Resort is at the end of the road . The very end . It seems to cater to the tourist crowd . From the signs , I 'd guess mostly Japanese tourists . The hot springs itself was nice . They had an indoor pool , two indoor hot tubs , one outdoor hot tub and a hot spring - fed rock pool . The hot spring pool itself was about 106 degrees . We couldn 't stay in it for very long . We called our friend Ricky , who went to college in Fairbanks , and asked him where we should eat for dinner . He recommended Brewster 's , but they turned out to be closed for Memorial Day . We went back to the hotel and got out the phone book . We decided we had to try the local barbeque place . It is advertised as the world 's northernmost southern barbeque . I suppose it is . It was pretty good food , as well . For the price , in fact , it couldn 't be beat . We had a lot of leftovers to take home with us . After dinner , we passed on the movie for a second time and did a little more shopping at Fred Meyer . We picked up a DVD to watch in our room . We made it about halfway through the movie before we both decided it was time to just zonk out . Either the light or the bed was worse the second night . Samara and I both had trouble sleeping , and she was pretty sick during the night . In fact , she didn 't feel well at all this morning . We had planned on taking Tuesday to drive down to Denali National Park , but the prospect of two or three hours in the car each way was just too much with Samara feeling bad . Instead , we started off with a trip to the northernmost Denny 's for breakfast . Every Denny 's is the same , let me tell you . This one wasn 't too great . After that , we checked out our new hotel , the Pike 's Landing Lodge . They told us we could check in after three o ' clock . So we decided to do a bit more shopping . We got some blackout curtains and dog treats for our friend Saramay . Then we decided that we 'd go ahead and watch a movie today . We saw the new Star Trek movie , which was pretty good . Not the best movie ever , mind you , but fairly entertaining . At that point , it was nearly three , so we went back to our new hotel . They really pissed Samara off , because she was sick , the room still wasn 't ready , and they walked off when she tried to ask about switching to a different room . So we took off for another hour and drove around Fairbanks . At 4 , we got back to our new hotel , and Samara talked to the manager . She was really apologetic , which helped Samara 's mood a bit . We got our room , which is actually a single - room cabin by the Chena River . It 's nice , and the curtains do a much better job of keeping the light out than they did at the Extended Stay motel . I left Samara taking a nap and went out for a stroll . There 's a little pen with baby ducks in it , called the Duck Hotel . They have a pen with a little pond , a little house , and a coin - operated feeder . I had some quarters to feed the ducks , but the machine was empty . I guess someone will feed them . Tonight we 'll probably try eating at Brewster 's for dinner , since they should be open . Tomorrow and Thursday , Samara has training all day . I 'll probably do some shopping around town and whatever else suits my fancy . Samara and I are vacationing in Fairbanks . We left Dillingham early this Sunday morning and arrived this afternoon in Fairbanks , in the Alaska interior . Samara has training here on Wednesday and Thursday , but until then , we 're just here to have fun . We both woke up early this morning , before our alarm . Anthony drove us to the airport , and we got there an hour early to check in . Samara always gets flagged by TSA for an extra security check . It really pisses her off , and we have no idea why it happens . So we had to stand there the extra few minutes while they called someone to clear her to fly . The flight from Dillingham was okay . We sat in the exit row right over the wing , and it 's a Saab turboprop plane , so there was a fair amount of buzzing vibration from the engines . They give you earplugs , if that gives you any idea what kind of flight it is . The plane sits three to a row - one on one side of the aisle , and two on the other . I got a window seat , and although I didn 't take any pictures , it was neat to get a bird 's eye view of Dillingham as we left . Samara bought us some new books while she was in Anchorage last week . I had already read one , and started the second before we left on our trip . I finished the second one on the Dillingham to Anchorage flight . That left me a little time to just stare around the plane . Honestly , flying on a Saab turboprop is kind of like taking a Greyhound bus with wings . They do provide in - flight service , though . Soda and bags of made - in - Alaska potato chips . We got into Anchorage and got off the plane fairly quickly . With these small planes , they just park you on the tarmac and you take the stairs down and walk across the asphalt to the airport . Once inside , we went straight for the baggage carousel . At Dillingham , they gave me both my boarding passes and checked my bags through to Fairbanks . Since Samara was flagged , she only got her boarding pass for her first flight , and they said her bag wasn 't checked through . So we were waiting for her bag in Anchorage , but it didn 't show up on the carousel . She asked the nice baggage ladies , who told her that she was checked through . Upstairs we went to the Alaska Airlines check - in and waited in line . My boarding pass said 12 : 25 was the flight to Fairbanks , and it was already after noon . I was worried we 'd miss our flight . Samara got her boarding pass for Fairbanks , though , and the girl said we had plenty of time . Turns out that it wasn 't departing until 1 : 10 , and didn 't load until 12 : 40 . We had to take off our shoes , pull out my laptop , take off our jackets , and Samara had to throw away some hand lotion so that we could go through security . PenAir is definitely our favorite airline . You don 't have to go through any security at all to get on their planes , either in Dillingham or Anchorage . But Alaska Air , you gotta go through the TSA folks . Samara was convinced that she would beep in the metal detector , but it was me who beeped . I had to go into a separate little glass cubicle and the guy patted down my baggy pants . Dunno what he thought he 'd find . I left my shoes off after that , and we cruised on down to the gate for our flight . Then we realized we had plenty of time , so I put my shoes back on and bought some magazines to read on the Ancohrage - Fairbanks flight . I got a Shooting Times and The Economist . Samara just laughed at me . The flight to Fairbanks was on a jet , which was more comfortable , quieter , and had lots more people . It probably took longer to load and unload the jet than we were actually in the air . The flight is less than an hour . We only got water or juice and a small bag of peanuts . Lame . PenAir is definitely better , even if you do have to wear ear plugs . Once in Fairbanks , we got our luggage pretty easily , and then Samara stood in line forever to get our Ford Fusion rental car . We drove out of the airport , and realized that we didn 't actually know where the hotel was . It 's the Extended Stay , and thankfully Fairbanks isn 't that big . We drove right by it . It 's right next to a Fred Meyer store . It 's not the nicest hotel ever , but it 's okay , and the small indoor pool does seem to be working . Also , we got it for $ 43 per night on Priceline . Not bad . After getting our stuff unloaded , we decided that 3pm was long enough to go with nothing to eat except airline food all day . We drove down the strip and found a Wendy 's . Besides the fast food Samara has flown into Dillingham on her trips , this is the first time I 've eaten fast food in 8 months . It was yummy . But they didn 't have air conditioning , and Fairbanks is hot compared to Dillingham . It 's almost 80 degrees here . After eating our lunch , we decided to drive down and explore some more . I can 't say much except that Fairbanks doesn 't seem to have a lot going on . Between the rental car and its strange new car smell , the flat terrain and strange city , I felt like I was in Oklahoma for some reason . It was like vacation flashback , or something . On our way back to our hotel , we stopped at Pioneer Park . This is a public park with free admission that was first set up for some kind of expo in the 60s . They have old cabins turned into museums and gift shops , as well as various restaurants and park stuff there . It was okay , but we didn 't finish the tiny cup . Then we walked around a bit more and went back to the car . On the way home , I stumbled onto the place I wanted to rent a canoe from . You can rent a canoe and go down the river here for a few hours and then they pick you up . It seems like a fun thing to do , and if the weather holds , we 'll probably do that tomorrow or Tuesday . We 're back at the hotel now , and Samara is napping away . I think flying takes it out of her . She had a headache and some nausea . We 're talking about taking in a movie tonight . The new Star Trek is out , and that seems like a good bet . It 's been 8 months since I 've seen a movie in a theater , too . Ginger , my boss asked me what Aaron and I were doing on Friday . I mentioned that I didn 't think we were doing anything so she wanted to know if we would go out to help her and her husband set their lines for their subsistence nets . I said that we would and we might be able to recruit Erin and Anthony to help . This whole week it has been raining on and off , which means that not only is everything wet and muddy , but it is also a bit chilly out . We head from Ginger 's house in caravan - style down to the beach to Ginger 's claim at about 8 : 30pm . ( It looked more like midday than late evening . ) In fact , we had four vehicles : Terry in his truck , Ginger and her daughter Aurora in her truck , me and Aaron and Ayla ( Ginger 's foster daughter 's younger sister ) in our Canyonero , and Erin and Anthony in their SUV . We drove down onto the beach , and then along the shore for about a mile until we got to the place where Ginger and Terry had staked their claim . Each family has a sign out at the shore that has their last name or family name on it so people will know where their plot of beach is . There 's no real legal claim to any area of beach , but people fish the same spot every year , so if you steal their spot , they get really upset . ( Aaron says there have even been court cases about it . ) Ginger had warned me that it was going to be muddy because they have to look for the ring that they tie the line to out in the bay at low tide , beyond the usual shore line . As it turns out , after the sandy / rocky beach , there is nothing but muck and I don 't have a pair of rainboots so I was wearing my snowboots with the lining out of them . Aaron figured they were water proof so they will work in a pinch . Bad idea . The boys get started right away with Terry , Ginger 's husband , looking for the ring thing out past the shoreline . Aaron says what they were looking for was an anchor that was buried deep in the beach , with a ring on top to feed the line through . It took a little while of walking up and down the muddy beach , staring at rocks before they spotted it . Erin , Ginger and I hang out on the beach . I think we were going to start a bonfire , but all the wood was so wet . Erin and I started wondering around on the beach and playing in the creek that fed in to the bay . Meanwhile the boys were hard at work , hammering in the stakes and bringing out the lines to the ring . Two stakes are crossed and pounded into the sand at the top of the beach . Then another two are crossed and sunk in about 50 feet away at the top of the beach . A line runs from one set of stakes down the beach to the ring at the anchor in the muck , then back up the beach to the other set of stakes . Later on , they 'll tie their net to the ropes out in the area where the tide comes in . Then the fish will swim by , get caught in the net , and they can use the pulley system to drag the net up onto the beach . While they were doing all the stake - pounding and searching for the anchor , I was busy getting stuck in the mud with my snow boots . I fell in to about my knee at one point . Erin had to help pull me out which made the boot , fall down to my ankle . This allowed water to pour in to my boot . So now , I am muddy , I have wet feet and I am stuck between the shore and the water . I decide to head back to shore and take off the cold wet socks . And that is where I stayed until the boys finished up . Aaron says the hardest part of the whole procedure was running the lines . He kept getting stuck in the mud . At one point , he had the drag a really long rope through the mud , pulling it through the ring they use as a pulley . Apparently when they have nets attached , they use a truck to pull the ropes , since they 're so heavy . But for setting out the lines without the net , they just sink their feet into the mud and pull . Overall , it was an interesting experience . We got to learn how the natives and local folks subsistence fish for salmon , and we realized that it definitely isn 't easy work . Ginger has invited us to help them subsistence fish this summer . Sounds like we 'll get to learn how to pull the nets in , clean and gut fish , and hang them to dry . All that and salmon isn 't even one of my favorite fish . Terry may also take Aaron along with him moose hunting this fall . I think Anthony may go too . They certainly proved to Terry that they aren 't afraid to do a little work . If they go moose hunting , they probably won 't be doing the shooting , but Terry wants help carrying the meat out of the woods after he shoots it . I had my last and final training for positive behavioral support last week . I am very thankful the training is over , but I will miss the monthly trips to Anchorage . This time I spent an extra day there with nothing to do , but go shopping and drive around . It was sunny and about 70 degrees while I was there . I was even wearing sandals the whole time . The snow was completely gone . Actually , the snow was gone last month and this time everything was green . There was green grass and leaves on the trees and the snow was slowly fading from the mountain tops . As it turns out , I really like Anchorage . It 's not a bad town . It 's easy to drive in . And it has all the wildlife and outdoorsy stuff that Alaska is known for while still having a mall and a large grocery store . If we decide to stay in Alaska , I think I would want to move to Anchorage . After my stay in Anchorage , I returned home to Dillingham . It was so cold when I stepped off the plane , I could see my breath . I was wearing flip flops and just a tank top with a cardigan over it . It was cold , rainy and brown . It 's hard to tell that spring is here other than the snow is gone . It was just so hard to leave the beautiful weather to come back to the mud and all the brown in Dillingham . I am very lucky that my job allows me to go outside Dillingham for trainings . For instance , I will be leaving on Sunday for Fairbanks . And since Aaron isn 't as lucky as I am about training , I talked him in to shelling out the money for him a ticket so he could go with me . YAY ! So this trip will be the first time Aaron has left Dillingham since we arrived back in August . He 's pretty excited about going out to eat , fountain sodas , movies and shopping . Plus we have about 3 extra days of nothing to do but sight - see around Fairbanks . We are planning to take a trip to Denali National Park and do other touristy things … but there will be more on that later this week . On Sunday , Samara went to Anchorage for a meeting . She was gone until today , Wednesday , and I missed her . She brought back goodies , though : blackout curtains , various and sundry bath and hygiene supplies , and some new books . Always good . I don 't have a lot of pictures to share with you today , so I 'll start off with the ones I do have . The bay is clear of ice now , so the barges have started rolling in . There 's a really nice place on the edge of the bluff , behind our apartment , where you can watch the bay . In the above picture , you can see the edge of the bluff , the retaining wall at the shore below , and a giant barge out in the bay . It 's hard to get a sense of the scale of the bay when it 's empty , or even when there 's ice in it . It takes a large boat like this to realize just how big the bay is . And a smaller boat - maybe a fishing tender or some kind of smaller barge ? I really don 't know . I 'm not very familiar with the different kinds of boats they use around here . I know that there are small fishing vessels , larger tender boats that take on fish that are caught by the smaller vessels , and then there are tugs and barges . I know a barge when I see one , because they 're covered with shipping containers . Well , except the one above , which is empty , because it already offloaded at Dillingham 's dock . It seems there was a fishing tender ( a vessel of the sort mentioned above that collates the catch of smaller vessels ) that was anchored in Togiak Bay . Many people come from around the world to work on fishing vessels . For instance , the clerk of court related to me that she has fished with many Russians . On this vessel in particular , there was a gentleman from Somalia . He had a bunkmate , of perhaps the same nationality , although I don 't know for sure . He and his bunkmate did not get along . As a result , this Somali gentleman threw his shoe at his bunkmate and threatened to kill him . Allegedly . In many nations , including Somalia apparently , it is a grave insult to throw a shoe at a person . The bunkmate was not pleased , and spoke to the skipper of this vessel . The skipper , no doubt concerned about keeping his crew happy , contacted the Alaska State Troopers and reported the assault . The Alaska State Troopers sent one of our local troopers over there in a chartered helicopter to pluck this gentleman from the boat and bring him to Dillingham to face the music . He was charged with assault in the fourth degree . ( That 's the lowest level of assault , reserved for placing someone in fear of imminent physical injury by words or deeds . ) Having lodged him in the local pokey , the trooper decided that his conduct was not exactly the crime of the century . He called up the local district attorney to see about having the charges dismissed . He figured that putting this guy on the next plane to Seattle would be sufficient to resolve the issue . The district attorney was out of town , convening a grand jury in Anchorage . He called the back - up DA , who refused to make that call without discussing it with the full - time DA . Left with no choice , the trooper contacted the courthouse , hoping to have this footwear - heaving miscreant arraigned before the magistrate . Ah , but there 's a rub . Have you guessed it yet ? Our Somali friend speaks no English . In fact , the folks down at our Dillingham jail didn 't know what language he spoke . Never fear , I thought , puffing out my chest . I have a degree in diplomacy ! I wikipedia 'd Somalia and learned that two languages were predominantly spoken there : Somali and Arabic . Aha ! I have a very good friend who is both a public defender in Kentucky and an Arabic speaker . He had taught me some Arabic phrases . ( Okay , mostly how to cuss , but I think my pronunciation is fair . ) I looked up a few phrases in Arabic on the internet , transcribed them phonetically , and went to the clerk 's office . The clerk got the jail on the phone , where I could hear the jailor asking our Somali pal what language he spoke in louder English , as if that would make him understand any better . The clerk got the jailor to put the defendant on the phone , and put it on speakerphone . I cleared my throat and gave it my best : " Hal tatakallum al - lughah al - arabiyah ? " " No , " he said . " Somali . " Okay . So he doesn 't speak Arabic . Well I don 't know a lick of Somali , that 's for sure . We hung up , but now at least we knew what kind of translator we needed . We got the AT & T language line paperwork out and called them up . Sure enough they had a Somali translator . Great ! We could arraign Mr . Fourth - Caliph Prophet . ( I won 't actually say his name , to protect the dubiously innocent . But he 's named after both the fourth Caliph and the Prophet , in that order . ) The trooper who helicoptered him off the boat brought him up the courthouse . We hooked up the translator on the overhead and the magistrate used every last bit of patience he had to wind his way through an extremely long version of a simple misdemeanor arraignment . When the magistrate first read the charges to Mr . Prophet , he broke down in tears and started sobbing . It was hard to watch . We learned that he had grown up as a nomad in Somalia . Considering that Somalia is a failed state with no government , I can only imagine what it was like to live there . He was likely worried that we were going to take him out back , shoot him with an AK47 and kick his body into a ditch . Once the magistrate explained all the rights he had under our justice system , he calmed down quite a bit . When asked for his position on bail , the trooper recommended that our Somali friend be released on his own recognizance and be allowed to travel to Seattle . If that happened , we 'd probably never see him again , and I 'm pretty sure the trooper knew that . I really don 't think he wanted to pursue the charges , but the district attorney just wasn 't around to sign off on dismissing the case . After the arraignment , we kept the translator on the line and the trooper used her services to try to discuss with the defendant how he might be able to travel to Seattle once he was released . This officer really went above and beyond to help out this guy . The magistrate didn 't actually just let the guy out of jail completely - he appointed the public defender agency to represent him , and required that they get an address in Seattle from him before he could be released . Unfortunately , the person that he thought he could stay with in Seattle told the attorney that they had never heard of the guy . So she couldn 't get him released from jail . And by the end of the day , we still hadn 't heard from the district attorney about whether the charges should be dismissed . Our Somali friend , therefore , is still in jail here , but I hope that he 'll be released by tomorrow . The final bit of news from this blog post is that I 'm finally going to get to do a little traveling . Samara just returned from Anchorage , but next week she has a training in Fairbanks . I 'm buying a ticket to go with her . Her flight , hotel , rental car and per diem are paid for . I just had to buy my ticket , essentially . It 's going to be nice to get out of Dillingham . Her training is Wednesday and Thursday , so she was originally going to be gone from Tuesday through Friday . We 're leaving on Sunday instead , and staying until Friday . We 'll get a hotel room or camp for the first two days , do some sightseeing and shopping , and just generally enjoy a little vacation . I 'm personally really looking forward to seeing some of Alaska outside of Dillingham . This was a somewhat exciting week . Our friends Erin and Anthony were out of town , so we were cat sitting . Their cat Atticus was very affectionate when we went over to visit him . It made us miss our own cats . On Tuesday , the alternative school had its graduation . Let me say that this was a pretty long graduation for just 10 students . I went , and I was proud of these students , some of who I knew , for graduating from high school . A lot of them had very difficult circumstances , and the alternative school gave them a chance to graduate despite difficult family situations or newborn children . It 's a great program . Graduations around here , though , are long affairs . Each graduate had a slide show of pictures accompanied by a song . They also had a lot of award certificates to hand out . It took forever ! Also , our pictures didn 't come out so great . Here 's a decent one of the graduates . In fact , Samara had to do some work late at SAFE this week , and she arrived home one evening with Shane in tow . He needed a ride out to his mother 's house at the end of Aleknagik ( Lake ) Road . She lives in a subdivision out by the lake . We like Shane , so we didn 't mind making the drive . Since we were out there , we stopped by the dock at Lake Aleknagik afterwards . It was around 9 : 30 , so the sun was starting to go down . At work at the courthouse , the phone system stopped working one day . When people dialed in , they got looped around in the initial message , and couldn 't hit zero to get the operator . ( Apparently dialing a direct extension worked , but no one knew to do that . ) We were scrambling around trying to get people on the phones for various hearings . The Clerk of Court , Tonya , talked to someone at Nushagak that said the phone system ought to work if we just shut it off and restarted it . So we did - Tonya and I went into the server closet and she switched off the phone system and then turned it back on . Turns out it wasn 't the phone system we rebooted . When we went out into the front office , the alarm system was going crazy . Tonya tried to reset it , but the red alarm light started flashing . She knew that meant that the police were getting our silent alarm . We just stood around and timed the police to see how long it would take them to respond . What we didn 't realize is that police dispatch was trying to call the courthouse to see if everything was okay , and wasn 't getting through because the phone system still wasn ' tworking . I go into the courtroom to mention the alarm to Theresa , and she makes some comment about the troopers showing up with guns drawn . I walk back out and the people in the front office are looking out the window saying that Police Chief Thompson is here . Tonya comes running out , and we both go outside . Chief Thompson has his vehicle parked sideways in the lot , and he 's behind it with his gun unholstered . Misty , Lori and Grant are waving to him from the window , and he is motioning for them to come outside . He assumed there was a real emergency , especially after we didn 't answer the phone . So Tonya and I tell him that it 's a false alarm and that our phone system is broken . He radios dispatch and tells them to stand down the troopers . We very nearly had all the police in town in our parking lot with their guns drawn . Thankfully , Chief Thompson understood and wasn 't mad about it . But it was a pretty interesting situation . The upside is that there 's a good police response time when our alarm goes off . That wasn 't the only thing going on at the courthouse this week , though . We also had a belated Law Day / Juror Appreciation Week celebration . We did a carwash for anyone who had ever served on a jury . Including our own cars , we probably only washed about a dozen cars . So there was a lot of standing around , talking . That 's ( left to right ) the judge , his assistant Theresa , Lori 's son Brett , Tonya , a tiny bit of Misty 's head , and Lori . It was pretty warm , but the wind was blowing pretty hard from the north as well . Our hoses and buckets stood dormant quite a bit . Today , Samara had training for new advocates at SAFE . I was supposed to be on call as a deputy magistrate this weekend , but because the training judge didn 't get the certification over to the presiding judge to sign off on the order appointing me , I had to have the judge cover my weekend instead . Samara planned to take the new advocates to the courthouse to watch arraignments , but the judge got lucky and there weren 't any arraignments this morning . Samara got me out of bed instead and I gave a little tour of the courthouse to the trainees . We discussed protective orders and what each courtroom was used for , and I think it was good for getting them familiar with the court system . I 'm sure I 'll be doing arraignments soon enough . Well , we think we did . You know those whales we 'd heard about , from the last blog post ? Well , we were looking out into the bay this evening and saw some weird movement in the water . You could tell it wasn 't wind or ice by the way it moved around and whatnot . Unfortunately , none of the ones closest to the shore showed in any spectacular way . But there were a few way out into the bay that would come far enough out of the water to see the entire body at the surface . It just looked like a white streak in the distance , but it moved against the current , unlike an ice floe . So it had to be whales . Of course , by whales , I guess I actually mean dolphins . Or whatever belugas are . They 're called beluga whales , but I think they 're more like dolphins . Our apartment complex 's fancy name is Beluga Bluffs , which also lends credence to the idea that what we 're seeing is belugas . So far , our Alaska animal - watching hasn 't been exactly fruitful . We both saw a small snow weasel ( " ermine " ) , I saw a moose at a very great distance , we 've seen some snow hares ( they 're turning brown for summer ) and now a glimpse of whales . It sure would be nice to see a moose or something large up close . |
Wow ! This is one crazy ride - this International Adoption thing ! ( and more often than not , my face has looked like Daniel 's in the above picture ! ! ) On November 22nd , we went to court and were told , " Markos is yours . " Awesome ! On November 28th , we heard rumors that there were troubles with licensing renewals of the orphanages in the Southern Region of Ethiopia . Very scary ! On December 1st , we received official word from our agency that there were , in fact , delays and that we would be affected , that nothing would be able to proceed with our adoption ( or most other people 's either ) until after license renewals were complete AT THE END OF DECEMBER ! Frustrating and upsetting ! On December 2nd , we heard news that another Holt families ' referred baby daughter got sick and passed away in Ethiopia before they had a chance to meet her or hold her . Heart - breaking ! This morning , we officially received word that the orphanage license had been renewed already ! ! So surprising and exciting ! Then , this afternoon , we heard from two Holt families that are just returning from their court dates . Both of their babies - - one boy and one girl - - were hospitalized while they were there and remain in the hospital . So sad for them ! This is why the waiting is exhausting . The ' ups ' and ' downs ' seem extreme when they 're all beyond your control , when there 's nothing you can do , and when you 're so far away . But our God is faithful and I 'm trying hard to trust Him more and more . To trust Him to care for Markos when we can 't . To trust Him to strengthen friends who are also on this journey when their ' downs ' come . To trust Him to work out every detail , to oversee the paperwork , to plan the perfect timing . To trust Him to grow my faith so that I can trust Him . In the ups and in the downs . Give thanks to the LORD , for he is good ; his love endures forever . Psalm 107 : 1 I am very , very frustrated right now . I know this is all in God 's time , I really do . And , I know that His timing is perfect . But , I am still very frustrated and trying hard to remain calm and not get too upset . When we were just home from Ethiopia , I received an email from another family who was in Ethiopia for court . She was asking for prayers because they did not pass court . Seems that there was some issue with the orphanages ' license expiring a few days before her court date . I felt terrible for the families that were affected because I just couldn 't imagine walking out of that court room and not having heard those words , " Markos is yours . " Now , information has finally made it 's way from Holt to all of us parents in process and here 's the deal . The intake orphanages that Holt uses ( they do not run the orphanages , they help to ' support ' them so as to avoid any conflicts of interest ) are primarily in the Southern region of Ethiopia . Their licenses were set to expire so they were in the process of renewing their license , however , the Southern region decided to do a mass internal audit of all the orphanages in the area and is refusing to renew any licenses until the process is complete . Holt assures us that they do not foresee any problems with the license renewal , it 's just a matter of time , waiting for the government to finish the audits . However , until the license is renewed , the judge is refusing to issue any court decrees . So , despite the fact that the orphanage still had a license when we went to court and the fact that the judge declared that Markos was ours , because it usually takes a week or so for the official decree to be issued , we are now stuck in the mess waiting along with all the other families . I know - I don 't get it either . As Eric said , " what part of ' Markos is yours ' don 't they understand ? " I just can 't believe that we received our referral on June 11th and we possibly won 't bring him home until February ! That 's 8 months ! I shouldn 't complain too much because I know there are families who went toPosted by Our first flight from Ethiopia to Frankfort , Germany was pretty uneventful . Eric and I were both starting to feel kind of rough , but we thought we were just tired . After all , we had left Ethiopia at 11 : 25 PM and landed in Frankfort very early in the morning . We had about a 4 hour lay - over , so we found the McDonalds that we had seen on the way over to ET and parked ourselves at a comfy table ( comfy might be a bit of an over - statement , but it was the best we could find ! ) . Eric played games on his phone and I journaled some about our trip . We were so confused from all the time changes , that we rarely knew what time it was during the entire trip . This stop was no exception . However , at one point , I went to walk around and looked at the departure board . The local time was listed so I knew that we had two hours left to wait . When I went back into McDonalds , Eric snapped out of his game - induced trance and said , " what time is it ? ! We still need to get our boarding passes . " I assured him that we had 2 hours , but he wasn 't convinced . He gathered up our stuff and started hustling us through the airport . As we hurried , an announcement came over the PA system that we needed to report to our gate . He was further convinced that he was right and we needed to hurry . I was confused ( and annoyed ) because I knew we had 2 hours . When we arrived at our gate , there was a line forming to get boarding passes , while FIVE extra security people were standing at a separate counter next to the line we were in . What in the world ? ! We were only about 10 people back in the line and it took us 50 minutes to get our boarding passes . When we were at the counter , they quizzed us about our bags and our trip . They got on the computer and tracked down exactly where our bags were . ( at least we knew THEY knew where they were ! ) While we were in that line , they continued to make announcements about the " extra document check " at our gate . Hmmmm . Eric has traveled internationally a LOT , and he said he has never seen that before . We listened as they grilled pIt seemed that there were a majority of people on the flight who were from other countries . There were two men who were traveling from some African nations who were really questioned . They were allowed on the flight , but were pulled aside again when we arrived in Canada . There was another man from Bosnia or Estonia - we were a little fuzzy by then . They really , really grilled that guy . They asked him about his English , he said he spoke whatever other language . They pulled out his papers and started asking him about the information on it , " what is this number ? " . " My driver 's license number " , the guy answered . " Read this to us , " they commanded . He seemed to struggle to read the information on his form , written in whatever other language . Another security person came over . The guy said something that I didn 't catch . They pulled out a piece of paper , " well , then , write the letter D " . On and on this went . We did not see him board the plane and did not see him again after we moved up and he was still being questioned . We were sitting in a 3 seat row . Of course , some guy we didn 't know had the aisle seat . Eric had the window seat and I was in the middle . He started to give me ' the look ' - - the ' uh oh , this isn 't going to be good ' look . Then , he started to sweat , then shiver . I kept looking at him and saying , " do you want out ? " , " are you sure ? " , " maybe you should go to the bathroom " . He just sat , motionless . Finally , when it was inevitable that he was going to throw up , we got out and just stood in the bulkhead area . Problem was that it was a BIG plane so there was still a whole big section of plane behind us and we were kind of ' on display ' where we were . Eric was standing there with a hoodie on , with the hood pulled up over his head and his barf bag in his hand , but there was always a line for the bathrooms and he didn 't want to just go in there and hang out waiting . I went back to talk to the stewardess to see if they would let us stand back there in the open area so he 'd at least have a little more privacy . On the way , a nice lady approached me ( no doubt having seen Eric standing there looking very ill ) and informed me that there was a bathroom in the back and it was open . Thank God ! It was right off the open area where I wanted to stand . The stewardess said that they were getting the drink carts ready to go out but as soon as they moved out of that area , we could stand there . Eric didn 't make it that long , but he went into that back bathroom and I squeezed into the corner so they could get their drink carts by . The stewardesses were very nice . They WERE concerned about the whole Africa / illness thing , but when I explained that he had eaten a steak , medium - rare , and that we were pretty sure that was the problem , they relaxed . She said that they are required to be on the look out for any communicable illnesses during the flight . She kept checking with us to see if we needed anything . I said , " do you have Diet Coke ? " . She laughed . They did ! yahoo ! FINALLY ! She said that she knew we were from America because us Americans love our pop . : - ) That we do ! She gave me a Ginger Ale for Eric . When I checked on him , he looked very bad . He was literally covered with big drops of sweat . I toweled him off and gave him a little bit of the Ginger Ale . This was going to be a LONG flight ! On the bright side , because I stood so much , my back didn 't hurt hardly at all on the way home and I didn 't even take any muscle relaxers ! I was so tired , I was afraid that if I did , I 'd pass out ! After Eric finally recovered a little , we ventured back to our seats . The rest of the flight was a little touch and go , as we hit turbulence ( of course ! ) for the last 20 minutes of the flight , just at the same time that they served dinner - - chicken fajita roll things that smelled . . . . BAD ! Poor Eric , every time a smell wafted his way , he 'd get a panicked look on his face and cover his face with his sweat hirt . Oy . We made it to Canada , had another layover , then made it home to Pittsburgh around dinner time that night . Eric didn 't get sick anymore until we were home . I started feeling rough and getting the shakes when we hit Canada , but I never got sick - - thank goodness ! We were both SO HAPPY to climb into our comfy bed that night ! ! The kids were at my parent 's house . Since their school district was still on strike , they were able to go down early for Thanksgiving . It was nice for Eric and I to have a night at home to recover and sleep before jumping back into life at home . We unpacked , repacked , and ran a few errands the next morning and hopped into the car to drive to Maryland to celebrate Thanksgiving . We had a LOT to be thankful for ! ! Because Jolie and her friend , Stephanie and Mike , and Eric and I were flying out that evening , after our shopping , we quickly returned to the guest house to pack up and get ready to go to dinner . We made arrangements to all go out to dinner one last time together to an Italian restaurant called Avanti . It would be rushed , but we could do it . It was a very nice restaurant . Very relaxing atmosphere . A large flat - screen TV hung on the wall above our table . There was a fire burning in a fireplace on it . Someone remarked , " oh look , they built a fire for us . " Funny . We ordered drinks and appetizers . It was hard to be in an Italian restaurant ordering pasta without getting a salad , but we were trying to heed the warnings about avoiding raw veggies that had been washed in the water . Unfortunately , Eric saw that Filet Mignon on the menu and decided not to heed Kendra 's friend 's advice to avoid the beef because it is NOT U . S . D . A . grade beef that we are used to eating . Not only did Eric fail to heed that warning , but he also ordered his steak his usual medium - rare . Oh boy . Our food was delicious . Eric 's steak was not bad , but he said it really didn 't taste like steak . Uh oh . We all laughed and talked about our families back home and about our adventures in Ethiopia . The portions of some of the meals were enormous . A few of the guys tried local beers . I enjoyed my Mirinda . ( again no Diet coke , * sigh * ) When the bill came , we again couldn 't refrain from doing the conversions to U . S . dollars . I think my meal cost a total of about $ 3 . Brian remarked that he could take his 401K now , and they could move to Ethiopia and live on it for the rest of their lives . We finished eating just in time for our driver to arrive to pick us up to take us back to the guest house to grab our bags and head to the airport . Things went well at the airport . Poor , sweet Jolie caused a hold up at the baggage check . Apparently , her Scrabble tiles looked dangerous on the x - ray . Plus , she had arrived in Ethiopia a week early and traveled south to explore heAside from that little hang - up , everything went well . We had some time , so I scoured the airport , still in search of a Diet Coke . We found a place that had Coke Light , but they were sold out . So , I got my last bottle of Mirinda to drink . When we were boarding our flight , somehow we got between an older gentleman and his wife . The wife was in front of me , the husband behind Eric . Eric said to him , " you can go ahead " , and he looked at Eric kind of funny , so Eric asked , " she is your wife , isn 't she ? " . The older guy joked , " I 've never seen her before in my life . " and Eric played along , " well , she looks like a nice lady . You should go up there and talk to her . " He asked , " you think ? " , and Eric said , " oh yea , she looks like you 'd have a lot in common . " At this point , the lady piped up and said , " yes , about 50 years worth ! " . We all laughed and began talking . They asked where we were from and why we were in Ethiopia . We told them of our adoptions . Then , we asked them where they were from and were surprised to hear that they were from Ethiopia now . But , they were returning to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with their family . Turns out that the man was a retired Orthopedic surgeon . When he retired , his friend contacted him asking for his help starting an Orthopedic practice in Ethiopia to serve the Ethiopian people . He agreed to go and help and ended up loving it there , so he and his wife packed up and moved to Ethiopia a year and a half prior . He told us of how he bought a car from the U . S . Embassy there and he now drives . His wife assured us that she does not ! He cleared loved what he was doing . He told us of how he was happy to see his family , but that he knew that he 'd only be there a few days before he couldn 't help but think , " I wonder what I 'm missing . I wonder what they 're doing there without me . " and every time he left , he couldn 't wait to get back ! So sweet . And , so understandable . It is so amazing how our God blesses us more than we can ever bless others ! As our friend Peter always says , " You can 't out - give God . " When we were finished eating lunch , we headed out again to do some more shopping . The driver took us to a row of shops near the post office . Traffic was a little worse ( if that 's possible ) . It was Monday . People were back to work and school was in session . Vans drove around loaded with sweet little children in their matching uniforms . Children walked down the streets in groups - - the lucky ones - - who got to attend school . We noticed that their " uniforms " seemed to be by age groups . The 7 / 8 year olds all wore a green sweater vest . The older kids all wore a red sweater , etc . They were all happy and skipping along . They knew they were blessed to be able to attend school . How I wish my children could see and understand how blessed they are ! ! At one particularly horrendous intersection , with cars , vans , and trucks going in all different directions , I was in the back row of seats in the van and out of the corner of my eye , I saw the very top of someone 's head , going out INTO the middle of traffic . My heart lurched and I exclaimed , " Is that a little kid ? ! " ( because it was so low to the ground that I thought it had to be a TINY little kid ! ) . Amanda looked out the side window , looked back with a devastated look on her face and replied , " No . It 's a crippled man . " We looked out the side window and were shocked . Never have I seen anything like it in my life . Both of his legs were completely bent , like he was squatting as low as he could , but they bent in a strange way so that he was walking on the sides of his feet , with his hands behind him - - like a sort of twisted crab walk . He was weaving his way through the crowded , crazy streets . It was heart - breaking and amazing at the same time . How had he survived to this age in that condition ? What caused his deformity ? Was it something easily treatable or correctable if he only lived someplace where he had access to medical care ? What strength of spirit drives someone in that condition , in that poverty , in that state of life to carry on , to go out and do whatever he can to survive ? ! There was , at times , amazing beauty - - trees covered with beautiful lavender blooms , exotic colorful blooms , smiles on faces that would light up a room . There was life ! But , there was also death , decay , and destitution - - a dead dog just laying in the middle of the sidewalk decaying , people laying and living on the streets , deformed and crippled men and women laying on the street corners begging to survive . I saw a woman laying asleep on the street with her bare breast hanging out of her shirt , her nursing baby sitting next to her awake and alone . The people were always beautiful though ! They had on rags , but they also had smiles on their faces and a twinkle in their eyes . Friends - men , women , boys , and young girls - were so loving to one another . Men embrace one another . They hold hands . Boys and teens walk with their arm slung around their pal next to them . I had read about it in my travel guide , but it was so heart - warming to see . A very conservative country - Ethiopia outlaws homosexuality . Men and women do not ever display romantic affection in public . But same gender affection is common . Friend to friend , brother to brother , sister to sister , they are close . They care for one another and love deeply . A true community . I saw so many grown men , dressed in tattered clothes , stop to have their shoes shined by the adolescent boys trying to earn money for food or for their families . I kept thinking that surely they didn 't really have the money to have their shoes shined , but I suspect that many of those men grew up doing the same for their families . They knew what those boys were facing and they wanted to help them . While we shopped at the row of stores , my other saddest experience in country occurred . A young boy , probably 8 or 9 years old , approached me and said , " shoe shine , miss ? " I said , " no thank you " and kept walking but he followed . " Please Miss . Please . Shoe shine ? " I looked around and it was crowded . There was a man selling maps on the streets , another 2 selling jewelry , another selling watches and hats . I couldn 't . If I did , they 'd all come . I couldn 't create another near incident ! " No thank you , honey . " He looked like he could cry . " please Miss , " he begged , " the other kids , they get to go to school . I no go to school . I have to do this . Please . No business today . " My insides were being shredded . I had to get away before I burst into tears . " I am so sorry , honey . No thank you . " I started to duck into the nearest store before I lost it , but not before he lowered his head and said , " it 's ok , Miss . God bless you . " Ugh . There it was . The final blow . I felt sick . I tried to get myself together . I fought back the tears and tried to catch my breath as I thought about how my sweet Markos , IF he survived , might have been doing this same thing in a few years in order to survive . Thankfully , when I left the store , the crowd had dissipated a little but he was still there . I quickly handed him a pack of peanut butter crackers . His eyes lit up just a tiny bit and he said , " thank you , Miss ! thank you ! " Oh , how I wish there was more that I could have done for that sweet one ! But again , once the word gets out that you have food , that you have money to spend , the beggars come from everywhere . Our driver had gone to round the remaining shoppers of our bunch up . When he was gone , the beggars surrounded the van . They begged . They pleaded . They put their hands in the windows , and after the windows were closed , they began to try to get them open . Quickly a man , dressed in all green , carrying a club came . He yelled at the children and the beggars . They scattered as he picked up a rock to throw at them . We don 't know if he was a policeman or a security guard for the shops , but he stayed with us until our driver returned . As we drove , we saw funny and marvelous things , too . All the men , especially , were amazed by the scaffolding that surrounded all the buildings under construction . It was bamboo poles tied together . As I have said before , there seemed to be no rules of the road at all . We saw hilarious things tied to the tops of cars or piled into the back of trucks . One of our favorite pictures of things piled onto the top of a vehicle . We also saw trucks filled to overflow with giant burlap sacks of potatoes and men just standing on top of them . We only saw one car seat for children in one car . ( it was probably some American visiting there ! ) And , I was surprised to see VW Beetles everywhere . At first , I was cracking myself up by hitting Eric and exclaiming , " red one ! " , " blue one ! " , etc . ( because our children insist on playing the ' punch buggy ' , ' slug bug ' , or whatever you call it , game ALL THE TIME , thereby driving us NUTS ! ) . I didn 't want him to miss them too much ! ; - ) But , after a while , there were so many that it just became annoying . I took a few pictures of some of them just so when I showed the kids the pictures , I could say " blue one ! " and hit them as they looked at the pictures . : - ) ha ha ! We also passed little shops all along the roads . And , we saw some open air type " markets " where people just spread their goods out on the side of the road on a blanket to sell them . We saw potatoes , tomatoes , tennis shoes , shirts , bags , just about everything you could imagine . But , I was glad that we didn 't shop there . Seemed far too chaotic for me ! Like our malls on Black Friday ! Ethiopia was definitely someplace where you saw everything . Shocking , devastating , beautiful , amazing , heart - breaking , heart - warming . . . . in the same day , in a matter of minutes , sometimes in the same moment ! It was exhausting , the most crazy emotional roller coaster you can imagine ! But , I can 't wait to go back . I wouldn 't have traded that time for anything ! After we all said goodbye to our darling children , the emotionally - drained bunch of us piled into that van again and headed out to lunch . We went to a coffee house called Kaldi 's . It was seriously the Ethiopian version of Starbucks - - except the coffees there cost about 50 cents ! : - ) We got burgers and fries . Not sure exactly what , but the burgers had some serious fillers in them . Something green . Maybe onions ? But , they were good . And the fries were great ! Still no Diet Coke for Eric or I , but I grew to like something called Mirinda . It was like Orange Fanta or Orange Crush . It was a somewhat subdued lunch . I think we were all hitting a wall of exhaustion - emotional and physical - plus we had just said goodbye to our kids for some unknown period of time . Could be 6 weeks . Could be 12 weeks . We have no idea when we 'll get to go back , but we 're hoping no later than January ( and still praying for a miracle December date ) . Our driver returned a while later to take us shopping . Our first stop was the Leprosy Hospital , work center , and gift shop . Oy ! So much for hitting an emotional wall ! The building was beautiful when we pulled up , but the second we stepped out of the van , the worst smell hit you . I heard later that the Leprosy Hospital is very close to Korah - the trash dump outside Addis where men , women , and children live - the outcasts of society . The Lepers . The sick . The disabled . ( for those who are interested , there are groups like Project 61 and Ordinary Hero who are working in Korah ) When we entered the work area , there was a man sitting outside ( you might be able to see him if you zoom in on the above picture ) . He has 2 partial fingers remaining on each hand . He smiled at us , and laughed and talked to his friend by his side while he worked . He was making beautiful rugs to sell . Inside the first room , there were 2 men using old - fashioned looms to weave beautiful fine linen . They had partial hands and partial feet as well . But , they worked non - stop and appeared to be very content . Further inside , there were four women . They talked amongst themselves while they worked spinning wool into thread . One of the women captured my attention . She was very old . She sat , hunched in the corner . She had no fingers or thumbs left on either hand - just a small indentation where her thumbs used to begin . She used them to hold the thread while she worked , happily chatting with her friends . All of these men and women . Lepers . The outcasts of society . Missing fingers , hands , feet . But Working . Content . Smiling . They were a true picture of JOY . Not happiness based on circumstances . Joy from something outside of themselves . They weren 't crying " oh , poor me " . They defied their physical condition . They weren 't claiming they couldn 't work . They were happy to have work ! They were beautiful . They were strong . They were smiling ! We were in awe of them . I wanted to take pictures because they were amazing , but I didn 't want them to misunderstand why I wanted to photograph them , so I didn 't . I did , however , find this slideshow online about the center , which contains pictures of many of the same people that we saw . We went into the gift shop there and decided that we would buy as many of the things there that we wanted to buy while we were in Ethiopia as we could , in order to help to support this amazing program . We ended up buying four beautiful scarves , and a gorgeous tablecloth with 8 matching linen napkins . The scarves are for Daniel , Mackenzie , Eric and I . The tablecloth will be put away to save as a wedding gift for Markos and his future wife . Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love , that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days . Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us , for as many years as we have seen trouble . May your deeds be shown to your servants , your splendor to their children . May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us ; establish the work of our hands for us - yes , establish the work of our hands . After court was over , our driver took us back to the guest house so we could all change clothes . Once we were all wearing something a little more comfortable , we again piled into the white van and drove to the care centers to say goodbye to our children . The driver dropped Eric and I off first at Care Center 3 . He blew the horn and the gates were opened for us . We started to walk into the court yard area just as Markos was being brought out of the care center building into the same area . He ran to us and gave me a big hug . ( ahhh , heaven ! ) Then , he leaned back to look me in the face and , with a big smile , said , " machina " . ( pronounced ma - key - na , Amharic for " car " ) . heehee . I told you he really loved that car ! Not sure if he was happy to see us or just happy to get that car back again ! But , either way , we didn 't care ! The three of us went into the same big empty room that we were in the previous day . We played with the balls , car and punching balloons again . But , first , we sat down with Markos and showed him the family album we made him with pictures of us and the kids , our house , our yard , his bedroom , and other extended family members . I tried to get him to repeat names , but he would just smile and nod his head . I attempted to say , in Amharic , things like " Markos bedroom " , " Markos brother " , " Markos sister " , " Markos family " , " Markos America " to try to make sure that he understood that we were , in fact , returning for him to take him to America . Mr . Independent insisted on holding the book himself and flipping the pages himself . Ai yi yi . Flashbacks of Daniel at that age are running through my head . . . When we finished looking through it ( at record speed ) , he tucked it under his arm and attempted to play while holding onto it . Once he realized this would be too difficult , he went over and hid it under the shelf of the TV stand in the corner . He would play for a while , then go over , sit against the wall and pull it out , look at a few pages , tuck it safely away again and play some more . We exchanged bracelets . If you don 't know what I 'm talking about , read it here . Then , a guy came in to install a new DVD player to the TV that was in the corner of the room . Markos was enthralled with watching the installation . People were in and out which was a little distracting . Then , nannies came in and pulled out large sheets of plastic and covered the floor . We weren 't sure what they were doing , until they started setting up 2 long rows of plastic tables and plastic chairs . It was LUNCHTIME and we were in the room in which the kids eat . Once they were finished setting up the tables and chairs , a nanny called Markos to come and wash his hands . We watched as all the kids lined up outside to wash their hands for lunch under a hose in the court yard . Markos was allowed to go first , so he quickly came running back in , ran to me , gave me a hug , and sat at the end of the row of chairs in front of me . Directly behind Markos was the cutest little girl , with the most darling little smile that you 've ever seen . She ran straight to Eric and gave him a big hug and sat in the row of chairs directly in front of Eric . So sweet . One by one all the kids filed in and filled the chairs . I counted 39 kids . The nannies were playing Barney ( in English ) on the TV and the kids were thrilled . We listened as one of the nannies gave the kids a lecture on not touching the new DVD player . I had to chuckle when she singled out a few kids ( mostly boys ) and tapped them on the head with a rolled up piece of paper in her hand and asked them if they understood . They all responded " ishi " ( OK / yes ) . Markos was one of those singled out for the extra warning , of course ! I was not surprised given his apparent love of all things electronic with buttons to push ! Once the lecture was over , the children all prayed together in Amharic . So , so sweet . Then , as they ended with a hearty " Amen ! " , the nannies began carrying in plates of injera covered with a pile of chopped up spinach - like stuff and a big pile of yellow lentil - like stuff . I was shocked at how much the children ate . They were each given a large , dinner - sized plate , completely covered with a piece of injera bigger than the plate , that was rolled up on the sides . As they finished the stuff on top , they were given more of the yellow stuff to eat with their remaining injera . Markos ate like a champ . As he ate , he would occasionally turn to me , smile , & put his hand out for me to squeeze . Of course , poor Eric was having his heart broken next to me because that little girl kept doing the same to him throughout the meal . I think if he could have snagged her up and taken her with us , he might have ! Sadly , in the middle of their meal , our driver came and knocked and the window and told us we had to leave . Our goodbye wasn 't what I would have wanted it to be . We pretty much were just able to kiss Markos ' head and hug him while he ate . No big squeezer hugs or tears - - just a rushed goodbye . Maybe it was better that way . We were all up , bright and early , ready for court . Thankfully , we woke up early because Eric had accidentally unplugged his phone and turned it off the night before in order to recharge our video - camera so we had no alarm ! I woke up so early that I actually managed to get some hot water ! YAHOO ! This was going to be a great day ! Hot water is very hard to come by , apparently . The first morning , Eric and I both got freezing cold showers - - very , very , very quick showers ! Makes my teeth chatter to think about how cold that first shower was ! I tried to tell Eric to get up quickly so he could possibly have some hot water the second morning , but nooooooo . . . . he had to sleep longer . Frigid shower for him ! We all dressed up , as we were instructed to do . We wore shoes that didn 't make a lot of noise , ( or , at least , we planned to tip - toe if we didn 't . ) : - ) We enjoyed another nice breakfast at the guest house before the Holt driver arrived to pick us up . Surprisingly , he was on time . ( We were warned ahead of time that Ethiopians aren 't in a rush and this is a rarity ! ) When we arrived at the court house , we sat in the van , waiting for the lawyer to arrive to walk in with us . While we waited , a few of our group ran across the street to buy a bottle of water . Eric asked one of them to buy him a Coke Light if they had it . They managed to find Coke , not Coke Light , but when they brought it , they reported , " I hope this is ok . They wanted to keep the bottle . " Turns out this wouldn 't be the first time this happened while we were there . Glass is worth more when it 's recycled than plastic , so the shopkeepers insisted on keeping the bottles when you bought a soda . They would pour it into an empty water bottle and give it to you or if you were in a restaurant , just keep it when you were finished . ( uh , yea , again , no wonder we got sick . ) But , when you need some caffeine , you need some caffeine - especially when you don 't drink coffee ! We were all very anxious and nervous about court . The Holt families were amongst the first to arrive . We filed into a waiting room surrounded by chairs and all sat on the side furthest from the door to the judge 's chambers . The room quickly filled with more people than chairs . While we waited , we saw a couple across the room . When a man approached and there were no chairs left , the husband said something to his wife ( who was dressed very conservatively , with a scarf covering her face ) and she quickly got off the chair and sat on the floor to give the chair to the man . Again , I thought , " hmmm . Now , there 's something you don 't see in America . " ( thank goodness ! ) ; - ) The first family was called . They were from another agency . In a matter of minutes , they exited the room and the next family ( from the same agency ) was called . As they passed , the entering family asked the exiting family , " well ? " , and the exiting lady replied , " I don 't know what the outcome was " as she shrugged her shoulders and looked concerned . This kind of freaked me out a little , as I have heard from nearly all Holt families that have attended court that the judge has always ended the hearing with " he / she is yours " . Was there some problem with this families case ? Did they NOT pass for some reason ? Was there a chance that we wouldn 't pass ? Was there a chance that we wouldn 't hear today and would have to wait to find out ? As I sat and contemplated such things , the second family was finished and happily exited the judge 's chambers with big smiles on their faces . " We passed " , they reported . They were the only two families from that agency , so the first family asked the attorney , " did we pass ? " . " She said that they are yours " , he replied . " oh , I didn 't hear her , " the woman answered with relief . In the meantime , the first Holt family was called . In what seemed like only seconds , Brian and Mariah returned to the waiting room with smiles on their faces . We all gathered around to ask our panicked questions - - " how was it ? " , " what did she ask ? " . . . . They reported that she only asked about 5 or 6 questions and that she really pretty much just wanted yes or no answers , that it wasn 't bad at all , that the worst part of the whole thing was that you could barely hear her . At first , I thought Brian was kidding , but he assured me that he was serious and that whoever hears the best , better sit as close as they can to the judge . Eric and I agreed that he hears better than I do so he would sit closest ( and just for the record , he might HEAR better than I do , but he definitely does not LISTEN better than I do ) ; - ) One by one , each Holt family returned to the waiting room with smiles and relief on their faces . Finally , Eric and I were called . We were the last Holt family of the day to be called . We went in and Eric sat closest to the judge . Brian wasn 't kidding ! When we first went in , I know the judge said something . I could see her lips moving , but I seriously didn 't hear a single peep . It was very fast and very painless - - just a few questions , all of which were on the list that the attorney had prepped us with . We gave our short answers and , after ensuring that we realized this was irrevocable and permanent , she stated , " Markos is yours . " We left the room and all the Holt families happily got up to leave . Brian informed us that he had timed us and we were only in the judge 's chambers for 72 seconds . So strange for all those months and months of paper - chasing and waiting and more paper - chasing and more waiting to culminate in 72 seconds ! As we filed outside and piled back into the van , Mariah asked if anyone sang . She was hoping for some praise songs . No one was willing to belt out some tunes alone , but the driver turned on the CD player in the van . And , we heard , " God is good all the time He put a song of praise in this heart of mine God is good all the time Through the darkest night , His light will shine God is good , God is good all the time . . . " After our sightseeing on Sunday morning , we returned to the guest house for some lunch - yummy little pizzas . . . lots of pizzas - and anxiously awaited the Holt driver picking us up for orientation and our first meeting with our children . He arrived around 2 : 15 or 2 : 30 and we all piled into the van . Our first stop was the Holt offices for orientation and a meeting with our attorney to prepare us for court . We were introduced to some of the people at Holt Ethiopia ( whose names I don 't have handy & can 't remember ) . We were given the do 's and don ' ts of meeting with our children . Do take all the pictures that you want of your own child . Do NOT take any photos of anyone else 's children . ( darn ) We also sat through a short presentation by Holt 's legal advisor . He gave us the run down of the do 's and don ' ts of court . He also gave us 2 pages of possible questions that we needed to be prepared to answer , and then 2 of the ladies from Holt went around and quizzed each family on the one page . ( oh , the pressure ! ) ; - ) Because it was a Sunday , and most of the staff were off work , we did not tour the Holt offices at this time . We got to get back into the vans and drive off to Care Center 2 - - the infant & younger children 's care center next to the Union Hotel . When we were first told this is where we were going , I asked if they had brought Markos to CC2 for our meeting , or if they 'd be taking us to CC3 - - the preschool care center . The lady from Holt informed me that I was mistaken and that Markos was at CC2 . Eric and I were a little worried , because we knew that he had previously NOT been at CC2 , so we thought he was moved again and the fewer transitions , the better for the kids . Upon arriving at CC2 , the lady from Holt talked with the head nanny who was there at the time and discovered that we were correct and that Markos was not , in fact , at CC2 . So , she called for a driver to take us to CC3 . While we waited , we have the privilege of seeing all the other families unite with their kiddos for the first time . What a beautiful thing to witness ! Only a few tears ( from the children ) , many more tears from the parents ! Of course , as we are not allowed to post pictures of our own kids , we also aren 't allowed to post pictures of others kids , so no pictures to show you . Since Eric and I didn 't have Markos yet , he was able to videotape the whole thing for the other families so that was nice . Such sweet , sweet unions . And , Jolie was adopting a little girl . She was the serious , thinker of the kids . She wasn 't upset and didn 't seem scared , she was just serious . She sat and stared for some time , just checking Jolie out . Very funny to watch . He was really adorable . A little shy when we first met up with him in the court yard area , but he warmed up quickly inside the room where we were playing . He loved the car we gave him and played with it almost the entire time ( or at least , ran around with it in his hand while he played with the balls & balloons ) . He was allowed to choose a friend to come and join us , so the 4 of us played for a few hours . It was a lot of fun . He is extremely curious & independent . He is an awesome kicker . After watching some of our videos , my dad was joking that the Steelers could really use him . There is just so much to tell , that I don 't know where to begin really . He laughed and talked to his friend , but he didn 't talk to us at all . He did seem to understand English a good bit , but we never heard him speak it . His friend , on the other hand , seemed to know a fair amount . In fact , his friend was so adorable and excited for Markos , that everytime someone would walk by the windows , he 'd yell out , " Markos America ! " . When the nannies would walk by and would see us with him and knew that we were his family , they would poke their heads in and congratulate him , kiss him , and hug him . The love between the nannies and the kids was so very obvious and beautiful . They brought Markos ' favorite nanny in to talk to us and answer any questions that we had . We also met with the pediatrician for a short time . We discovered that Markos had pneumonia a few months ago , but he 's finished the treatments now and is fully recovered . Aside from that , he is very healthy . After a few short hours , the Holt lady peeked her head in and told us it was time to go . She took Markos outside and talked to him . She explained that we were his family and that we were going to take him to America , but that we couldn 't take him yet , that we still had to do some paperwork and that we would come back to take him later . I hope he understood . We laughed because we had to go through some security to get into the restaurant , having our purses checked , etc . This was funny because to get into Ethiopia through customs and such , we weren 't asked a single question . Regardless , it was a lot of fun . We ordered the sampler platter ( I forget what they called it ) , and of course , some of the guys just HAD to try the goat so we got some of it , too . The entire time we ate , there were traditional Ethiopian singers and dancers on the stage in the middle of the restaurant . At one point , I recognized the music from a previous Holt families ' videos and knew it was a dance where the dancers come out into the audience & pull audience members to come up on stage and dance with them . Of course , I was shrinking back in my seat ( and thankful I was back in the back , near the corner ! ) . Eric thought he 'd be funny and he had his hand over Mariah 's head , pointing for the dancer to pick her . Instead the dancer came and tried to get Brian to do some weird shoulder dancing thing . He tried , but it just made the dancer ( and the rest of us ) laugh . I have it on video , but will spare Brian the humiliation . ( you can thank me later , Brian ) All in all , it was a wonderful , emotional , exhausting day . I don 't think too many of us had a hard time falling asleep after we returned to the guest house and hopped online for a few minutes ( when the computers would work ) . Tomorrow morning , COURT ! Eric and I have been married for 20 years . We have 3 beautiful children , Mackenzie , Daniel , and Markos . Markos was added to our family through international adoption from Ethiopia . This blog was started to allow friends and family to travel alongside us on our amazing journey to bring Markos home ! |
Leave a Comment » Among my fellow practitioners I was at the same spot at the same rush hour as I did every other 364 day , pan handling . I scraped my pan with my wooden spoon . Every other beggar was doing the same . The noise must have ratcheted up a few decibels the cop on the beat swiveled around to bark , " Beat it . " Seeing his sickly smile I said , " I found a rabbit foot this morning . A lucky day for me , Pennies from heaven , sure . " I told him to stick around . Poor fellow he beat a hasty retreat . Suddenly there was a bang ! ear splitting one at that . Pieces of people whatever left of them flying before their legs could catch up with them . What carnage ! what bedlam . Our pans were filled to brim with nails , ball bearings and iron rivets and what not . We beggars looked at the days earnings . No word was necessary . All that metal would fetch a couple of thousand pounds . No pennies from heaven . Who cares ? This king had two hundred wives , but none of them had borne a son to him . His subjects , seeing that he was becoming an old man , begged him to marry one of the spider 's daughters , as they always had plenty of children . But when the king saw the spider 's daughter he did not like her , as she was ugly , and the people said it was because her mother had had so many children at the same time . However , in order to please his people he married the ugly girl , and placed her among his other wives , but they all complained because she was so ugly , and said she could not live with them . The king , therefore , built her a separate house for herself , where she was given food and drink the same as the other wives . Every one jeered at her on account of her ugliness ; but she was not really ugly , but beautiful , as she was born with two skins , and at her birth her mother was made to promise that she should never remove the ugly skin until a certain time arrived save only during the night , and that she must put it on again before dawn . Now the king 's head wife knew this , and was very fearful lest the king should find it out and fall in love with the spider 's daughter ; so she went to a Ju Ju man and offered him two hundred rods to make a potion that would make the king forget altogether that the spider 's daughter was his wife . This the Ju Ju man finally consented to do , after much haggling over the price , for three hundred and fifty rods ; and he made up some " medicine , " which the head wife mixed with the king 's food . For some months this had the effect of making the king forget the spider 's daughter , and he used to pass quite close to her without recognising her in any way . When four months had elapsed and the king had not once sent for Adiaha ( for that was the name of the spider 's daughter ) , she began to get tired , and went back to her parents . Her father , the spider , then took her to another Ju Ju man , who , by making spells and casting lots , very soon discovered that it was the king 's head wife who had made the JuDirectly it was dark and all the lights were out she pulled off her ugly skin , and the king saw how beautiful she was , and was very pleased with her ; but when the cock crowed Adiaha pulled on her ugly skin again , and went back to her own house . The king 's head wife became more jealous than ever when Adiaha had a son ; so she went again to the Ju Ju man , and by giving him a large present induced him to give her some medicine which would make the king sick and forget his son . And the medicine would then make the king go to the Ju Ju man , who would tell him that it was his son who had made him sick , as he wanted to reign instead of his father . The Ju Ju man would also tell the king that if he wanted to recover he must throw his son away into the water . And the king , when he had taken the medicine , went to the Ju Ju man , who told him everything as had been arranged with the head wife . But at first the king did not want to destroy his son . Then his chief subjects begged him to throw his son away , and said that perhaps in a year 's time he might get another son . So the king at last agreed , and threw his son into the river , at which the mother grieved and cried bitterly . Then the head wife went again to the Ju Ju man and got more medicine , which made the king forget Adiaha for three years , during which time she was in mourning for her son . She then returned to her father , and he got some more medicine from his Ju Ju man , which Adiaha gave to the king . And the king knew her and called her to him again , and she lived with him as before . Now the Ju Ju who had helped Adiaha 's father , the spider , was a Water Ju Ju , and he was ready when the king threw his son into the water , and saved his life and took him home and kept him alive . And the boy grew up very strong . After a time Adiaha gave birth to a daughter , and her the jealous wife also persuaded the king to throw away . It took a longer time to persuade him , but at last he agreed , and threw his daughter into the water too , and forgot Adiaha again . But the Water Ju Ju was ready again , and when he had saved the little girl , he thought the time had arrived to punish the action of the jealous wife ; so he went about amongst the head young men and persuaded them to hold a wrestling match in the market - place every week . This was done , and the Water Ju Ju told the king 's son , who had become very strong , and was very like to his father in appearance , that he should go and wrestle , and that no one would be able to stand up before him . It was then arranged that there should be a grand wrestling match , to which all the strongest men in the country were invited , and the king promised to attend with his head wife . On the day of the match the Water Ju Ju told the king 's son that he need not be in the least afraid , and that his Ju Ju was so powerful , that even the strongest and best wrestlers in the country would not be able to stand up against him for even a few minutes . All the people of the country came to see the great contest , to the winner of which the king had promised to present prizes of cloth and money , and all the strongest men came . When they saw the king 's son , whom nobody knew , they laughed and said , " Who is this small boy ? He can have no chance against us . " But when they came to wrestle , they very soon found that they were no match for him . The boy was very strong indeed , beautifully made and good to look upon , and all the people were surprised to see how like he was to the king . After wrestling for the greater part of the day the king 's son was declared the winner , having thrown every one who had stood up against him ; in fact , some of his opponents had been badly hurt , and had their arms or ribs broken owing to the tremendous strength of the boy . After the match was over the king presented him with cloth and money , and invited him to dine with him in the evening . The boy gladly accepted his father 's invitation ; and after he had had a good wash in the river , put on his cloth and went up to the palace , where he found the head chiefs of the country and some of the king 's most favoured wives . They then sat down to their meal , and the king had his own son , whom he did not know , sitting next to him . On the other side of the boy sat the jealous wife , who had been the cause of all the trouble . All through the dinner this woman did her best to make friends with the boy , with whom she had fallen violently in love on account of his beautiful appearance , his strength , and his being the best wrestler in the country . The woman thought to herself , " I will have this boy as my husband , as my husband is now an old man and will surely soon die . " The boy , however , who was as wise as he was strong , was quite aware of everything the jealous woman had done , and although he pretended to be very flattered at the advances of the king 's head wife , he did not respond very readily , and went home as soon as he could . So the following morning the boy went to the king , who readily granted his request , and at once sent all round the country appointing a day for all the people to come in and hear the case tried . Then the boy went back to the Water Ju Ju , who told him to go to his mother and tell her who he was , and that when the day of the trial arrived , she was to take off her ugly skin and appear in all her beauty , for the time had come when she need no longer wear it . This the son did . When the day of trial arrived , Adiaha sat in a corner of the square , and nobody recognised the beautiful stranger as the spider 's daughter . Her son then sat down next to her , and brought his sister with him . Immediately his mother saw her she said - The king and his head wife then arrived and sat on their stones in the middle of the square , all the people saluting them with the usual greetings . The king then addressed the people , and said that he had called them together to hear a strong palaver at the request of the young man who had been the victor of the wrestling , and who had promised that if the case went against him he would offer up his life to the Egbo . The king also said that if , on the other hand , the case was decided in the boy 's favour , then the other party would be killed , even though it were himself or one of his wives ; whoever it was would have to take his or her place on the killing - stone and have their heads cut off by the Egbos . To this all the people agreed , and said they would like to hear what the young man had to say . The young man then walked round the square , and bowed to the king and the people , and asked the question , " Am I not worthy to be the son of any chief in the country ? " And all the people answered " Yes ! " The boy then brought his sister out into the middle , leading her by the hand . She was a beautiful girl and well made . When every one had looked at her he said , " Is not my sister worthy to be any chief 's daughter ? " And the people replied that she was worthy of being any one 's daughter , even the king 's . Then he called his mother Adiaha , and she came out , looking very beautiful with her best cloth and beads on , and all the people cheered , as they had never seen a finer woman . The boy then asked them , " Is this woman worthy of being the king 's wife ? " And a shout went up from every one present that she would be a proper wife for the king , and looked as if she would be the mother of plenty of fine healthy sons . When the king knew that the wrestler was his son he was very glad , and told the Egbos to take the jealous woman away , and punish her in accordance with their laws . The Egbos decided that the woman was a witch ; so they took her into the forest and tied her up to a stake , and gave her two hundred lashes with a whip made from hippopotamus hide , and then burnt her alive , so that she should not make any more trouble , and her ashes were thrown into the river . The king then embraced his wife and daughter , and told all the people that she , Adiaha , was his proper wife , and would be the queen for the future . That night the king gave a big feast to all his subjects , and told them how glad he was to get back his beautiful wife whom he had never known properly before , also his son who was stronger than all men , and his fine daughter . The feast continued for a hundred and sixty - six days ; and the king made a law that if any woman was found out getting medicine against her husband , she should be killed at once . Then the king built three new compounds , and placed many slaves in them , both men and women . One compound he gave to his wife , another to his son , and the third he gave to his daughter . They all lived together quite happily for some years until the king died , when his son came to the throne and ruled in his stead . There was once a king who was very powerful . He had great influence over the wild beasts and animals . Now the tortoise was looked upon as the wisest of all beasts and men . This king had a son named Ekpenyon , to whom he gave fifty young girls as wives , but the prince did not like any of them . The king was very angry at this , and made a law that if any man had a daughter who was finer than the prince 's wives , and who found favour in his son 's eyes , the girl herself and her father and mother should be killed . Now about this time the tortoise and his wife had a daughter who was very beautiful . The mother thought it was not safe to keep such a fine child , as the prince might fall in love with her , so she told her husband that her daughter ought to be killed and thrown away into the bush . The tortoise , however , was unwilling , and hid her until she was three years old . One day , when both the tortoise and his wife were away on their farm , the king 's son happened to be hunting near their house , and saw a bird perched on the top of the fence round the house . The bird was watching the little girl , and was so entranced with her beauty that he did not notice the prince coming . The prince shot the bird with his bow and arrow , and it dropped inside the fence , so the prince sent his servant to gather it . While the servant was looking for the bird he came across the little girl , and was so struck with her form , that he immediately returned to his master and told him what he had seen . The prince then broke down the fence and found the child , and fell in love with her at once . He stayed and talked with her for a long time , until at last she agreed to become his wife . He then went home , but concealed from his father the fact that he had fallen in love with the beautiful daughter of the tortoise . But the next morning he sent for the treasurer , and got sixty pieces of cloth and three hundred rods , and sent them to the tortoise . Then in the early afternoon he went down to the tortoise 's house , and told him that he wished to marry his daughter . The tortoise saw at once that what he had dreaded had come to pass , and that his life was in danger , so he told the prince that if the king knew , he would kill not only himself ( the tortoise ) , but also his wife and daughter . The prince replied that he would be killed himself before he allowed the tortoise and his wife and daughter to be killed . Eventually , after much argument , the tortoise consented , and agreed to hand his daughter to the prince as his wife when she arrived at the proper age . Then the prince went home and told his mother what he had done . She was in great distress at the thought that she would lose her son , of whom she was very proud , as she knew that when the king heard of his son 's disobedience he would kill him . However , the queen , although she knew how angry her husband would be , wanted her son to marry the girl he had fallen in love with , so she went to the tortoise and gave him some money , clothes , yams , and palm - oil as further dowry on her son 's behalf in order that the tortoise should not give his daughter to another man . For the next five years the prince was constantly with the tortoise 's daughter , whose name was Adet , and when she was about to be put in the fatting house , the prince told his father that he was going to take Adet as his wife . On hearing this the king was very angry , and sent word all round his kingdom that all people should come on a certain day to the market - place to hear the palaver . When the appointed day arrived the market - place was quite full of people , and the stones belonging to the king and queen were placed in the middle of the market - place . When the king and queen arrived all the people stood up and greeted them , and they then sat down on their stones . The king then told his attendants to bring the girl Adet before him . When she arrived the king was quite astonished at her beauty . He then told the people that he had sent for them to tell them that he was angry with his son for disobeying him and taking Adet as his wife without his knowledge , but that now he had seen her himself he had to acknowledge that she was very beautiful , and that his son had made a good choice . He would therefore forgive his son . When the people saw the girl they agreed that she was very fine and quite worthy of being the prince 's wife , and begged the king to cancel the law he had made altogether , and the king agreed ; and as the law had been made under the " Egbo " law , he sent for eight Egbos , and told them that the order was cancelled throughout his kingdom , and that for the future no one would be killed who had a daughter more beautiful than the prince 's wives , and gave the Egbos palm wine and money to remove the law , and sent them away . Then he declared that the tortoise 's daughter , Adet , should marry his son , and he made them marry the same day . A great feast was then given which lasted for fifty days , and the king killed five cows and gave all the people plenty of foo - foo and palm - oil chop , and placed a large number of pots of palm wine in the streets for the people to drink as they liked . The women brought a big play to the king 's compound , and there was singing and dancing kept up day and night during the whole time . The prince and his companions also played in the market square . When the feast was over the king gave half of his kingdom to the tortoise to rule over , and three hundred slaves to work on his farm . The prince also gave his father - in - law two hundred women and one hundred girls to work for him , so the tortoise became one of the richest men in the kingdom . The prince and his wife lived together for a good many years until the king died , when the prince ruled in his place . And all this shows that the tortoise is the wisest of all men and animals . Leave a Comment » We were camping in the oasis . My companions were asleep . An Arab , tall and white , went past me . He had been tending to his camels and was going to his sleeping place . I threw myself on my back into the grass . I wanted to sleep . I couldn 't . The howling of a jackal in the distance - I sat up straight again . And what had been so far away was suddenly close by . A swarming pack of jackals around me , their eyes flashing dull gold and going out , slender bodies moving in a quick , coordinated manner , as if they were being controlled by a whip . " I 'm the oldest jackal for miles around . I 'm happy I 'm still able to welcome you here . I had already almost given up hope , for we 've been waiting for you an infinitely long time . My mother waited , and her mother , and all her mothers , right back to the mother of all jackals . Believe me ! " " That surprises me , " I said , forgetting to light the pile of wood which lay ready to keep the jackals away with its smoke , " I 'm very surprised to hear that . I 've come from the high north merely by chance and am in the middle of a short trip . What do you want then , Jackal ? " " We know , " the oldest began , " that you come from the north . Our hope rests on that very point . In the north there is a way of understanding things which one cannot find here among the Arabs . You know , from their cool arrogance one cannot strike a spark of common sense . They kill animals to eat them , and they disregard rotting carcasses . " " You really are a stranger , " said the jackal . " Otherwise you would know that throughout the history of the world a jackal has never yet feared an Arab . Should we fear them ? Is it not misfortune enough that we have been cast out among such people ? " " Maybe - that could be , " I said . " I 'm not up to judging things which are so far removed from me . It seems to be a very old conflict - it 's probably in the blood and so perhaps will only end with blood . " " You are very clever " said the old jackal , and they all panted even more quickly , their lungs breathing rapidly , although they were standing still . A bitter smell streamed out of their open jaws - at times I could tolerate it only by clenching my teeth . " You are very clever . What you said corresponds to our ancient doctrine . So we take their blood , and the quarrel is over . " " You do not understand us , " he said , " a characteristic of human beings which has not disappeared , not even in the high north . We are not going to kill them . The Nile would not have enough water to wash us clean . The mere sight of their living bodies makes us run away immediately into cleaner air , into the desert , which , for that very reason , is our home . " " So what do you intend to do , " I asked . I wanted to stand up , but I couldn 't . Two young animals were holding me firmly from behind with their jaws biting into my jacket and shirt . I had to remain sitting . " They are holding your train , " said the old jackal seriously , by way of explanation , " a mark of respect . " " They should let me go , " I cried out , turning back and forth between the old one and the young ones . " Of course , they will , " said the old one , " if that 's what you want . But it will take a little while , for , as is our habit , they have dug their teeth in deep and must first let their jaws open gradually . Meanwhile , listen to our request . " " Your conduct has not made me particularly receptive to it , " I said . " Don 't make us pay for our clumsiness , " he said , and now for the first time he brought the plaintive tone of his natural voice to his assistance . " We are poor animals - all we have is our teeth . For everything we want to do - good and bad - the only thing available to us is our teeth . " " So what do you want ? " I asked , only slightly reassured . " Sir , " he cried out , and all the jackals howled . To me it sounded very remotely like a melody . " Sir , you should end the quarrel which divides the world in two . Our ancestors described a man like you as the one who will do it . We must be free of the Arabs - with air we can breathe , a view of the horizon around us clear of Arabs , no cries of pain from a sheep which an Arab has knifed , and every animal should die peacefully and be left undisturbed for us to drain it empty and clean it right down to the bones . Cleanliness - that 's what we want - nothing but cleanliness . " Now they were all crying and sobbing . " How can you bear it in this world , you noble heart and sweet entrails ? Dirt is their white ; dirt is their black ; their beards are horrible ; looking at the corner of their eyes makes one spit ; and if they lift their arms , hell opens up in their arm pits . And that 's why , sir , that 's why , my dear sir , with the help of your all - capable hands , with the help of your all - capable hands you must use these scissors to slit right through their throats . " He jerked his head , and in response a jackal came up carrying on its canine tooth a small pair of sewing scissors covered with old rust . " So , you too , sir , have seen and heard this spectacle , " said the Arab , laughing as cheerfully as the reticence of his race permitted . " So you know what the animals want , " I asked . " Of course , sir , " he said . " That 's common knowledge - as long as there are Arabs , these scissors wander through the deserts and will wander with us until the end of days . Every European is offered them for the great work ; every European is exactly the one who seems to them qualified to do it . These animals have an absurd hope . They 're idiots , real idiots . That 's why we 're fond of them . They are our dogs , finer than the ones you have . Now , watch this . In the night a camel died . I have had it brought here . " Four bearers came and threw the heavy carcass right in front of us . No sooner was it lying there than the jackals raised their voices . Every one of them crept forward , its body scraping the ground , as if drawn by an irresistible rope . They had forgotten the Arabs , forgotten their hatred . The presence of a powerfully stinking dead body wiped out everything and enchanted them . One of them was already hanging at the camel 's throat and with its first bite had found the artery . Like a small raging pump which - with a determination matched only by its hopelessness - seeks to put out an overpowering fire , every muscle of its body pulled and twitched in its place . Then right away all them were lying there on the corpse in a mountainous heap , working in the same way . Then the leader cracked his sharp whip powerfully all around above them . They raised their heads , half fainting in their intoxicated state , looked at the Arab standing in front of them , started to feel the whip now hitting their muzzles , jumped away , and ran back a distance . But the camel 's blood was already lying there in pools , stinking to heaven , and the body was torn wide open in several places . They could not resist . They were there again . The leader once more raised his whip . I grabbed his arm . " Sir , you are right , " he said . " We 'll leave them to their calling . Besides , it 's time to break camp . You 've seen them . Wonderful creatures , aren 't they ? And how they hate us ! " Leave a Comment » The Emperor - so they say - has sent a message , directly from his deathbed , to you alone , his pathetic subject , a tiny shadow which has taken refuge at the furthest distance from the imperial sun . He ordered the herald to kneel down beside his death bed and whispered the message to him . He thought it was so important that he had the herald repeat it back to him . He confirmed the accuracy of the verbal message by nodding his head . And in front of the entire crowd of those who have come to witness his death - all the obstructing walls have been broken down and all the great ones of his empire are standing in a circle on the broad and high soaring flights of stairs - in front of all of them he dispatched his herald . The messenger started off at once , a powerful , tireless man . Sticking one arm out and then another , he makes his way through the crowd . If he runs into resistance , he points to his breast where there is a sign of the sun . So he moves forward easily , unlike anyone else . But the crowd is so huge ; its dwelling places are infinite . If there were an open field , how he would fly along , and soon you would hear the marvelous pounding of his fist on your door . But instead of that , how futile are all his efforts . He is still forcing his way through the private rooms of the innermost palace . He will never win his way through . And if he did manage that , nothing would have been achieved . He would have to fight his way down the steps , and , if he managed to do that , nothing would have been achieved . He would have to stride through the courtyards , and after the courtyards the second palace encircling the first , and , then again , stairs and courtyards , and then , once again , a palace , and so on for thousands of years . And if he finally did burst through the outermost door - but that can never , never happen - the royal capital city , the centre of the world , is still there in front of him , piled high and full of sediment . No one pushes his way through here , certainly not with a message from a dead man . ButRead Full Post » In this sense , unfortunately , I cannot comply with your request . Almost five years separate me from my existence as an ape , a short time perhaps when measured by the calendar , but endlessly long to gallop through , as I have done , at times accompanied by splendid people , advice , applause , and orchestral music , but basically alone , since all those accompanying me held themselves back a long way from the barrier , in order to preserve the image . This achievement would have been impossible if I had stubbornly wished to hold onto my origin , onto the memories of my youth . Giving up that obstinacy was , in fact , the highest command that I gave myself . I , a free ape , submitted myself to this yoke . As a result , however , my memories have increasingly closed themselves off against me . If people had wanted it , at first the entire gateway which heaven builds over the earth would have been available to me for my journey back , but as my development was whipped onwards , the gate simultaneously grew lower and narrower all the time . I felt myself more comfortable and more enclosed in the world of human beings . The storm which blew me out of my past eased off . Today it is only a gentle breeze which cools my heels . And the distant hole through which it comes and through which I once came has become so small that , even if I had sufficient power and will to run back there , I would have to scrape the fur off my body in order to get through . Speaking frankly , as much as I like choosing metaphors for these things - speaking frankly : your experience as apes , gentlemen - to the extent that you have something of that sort behind you - cannot be more distant from you than mine is from me . But it tickles at the heels of everyone who walks here on earth , the small chimpanzee as well as the great Achilles . The first thing I learned was to give a handshake . The handshake displays candor . Today , when I stand at the pinnacle of my career , may I add to that first handshake also my candid words . For the Academy it will not provide anything essentially new and will fall far short of what people have asked of me and what with the best will I cannot speak about - but nonetheless it should demonstrate the direct line by which someone who was an ape was forced into the world of men , in which he established himself firmly . Yet I would certainly not permit myself to say even the trivial things which follow if I were not completely sure of myself and if my position on all the great music hall stages of the civilized world had not established itself unassailably . I come from the Gold Coast . For an account of how I was captured I rely on the reports of strangers . A hunting expedition from the firm of Hagenbeck - incidentally , since then I have already emptied a number of bottles of good red wine with the leader of that expedition - lay hidden in the bushes by the shore as I ran down in the evening in the middle of a band of apes for a drink . Someone fired a shot . I was the only one struck . I received two hits . One was in the cheek - that was superficial . But it left behind a large hairless red scar which earned me the name Red Peter - a revolting name , completely inappropriate , presumably something invented by an ape , as if the only difference between me and the recently deceased trained ape Peter , who was well known here and there , was the red patch on my cheek . But this is only by the way . The second shot hit me below the hip . It was serious . It 's the reason that today I still limp a little . Recently I read in an article by one of the ten thousand gossipers who vent their opinions about me in the newspapers that my ape nature is not yet entirely repressed . The proof is that when visitors come I take pleasure in pulling off my trousers to show the entry wound caused by this shot . That fellow should have each finger of his writing hand shot off one by one . So far as I am concerned , I may pull my trousers down in front of anyone I like . People will not find there anything other than well cared - for fur and the scar from - let us select here a precise word for a precise purpose , something that will not be misunderstood - the scar from a wicked shot . Everything is perfectly open ; there is nothing to hide . When it comes to a question of the truth , every great mind discards the most subtle refinements of manners . However , if that writer were to pull down his trousers when he gets a visitor , that would certainly produce a different sight , and I 'll take it as a sign of reason that he does not do that . But then he should get off my back with his delicate sensibilities . After those shots I woke up - and here my own memory gradually begins - in a cage between decks on the Hagenbeck steamship . It was no four - sided cage with bars , but only three walls fixed to a crate , so that the crate constituted the fourth wall . The whole thing was too low to stand upright and too narrow for sitting down . So I crouched with bent knees , which shook all the time , and since at first I probably did not wish to see anyone and wanted to remain constantly in the darkness , I turned towards the crate , while the bars of the cage cut into the flesh on my back . People consider such confinement of wild animals beneficial in the very first period of time , and today I cannot deny , on the basis of my own experience , that in a human sense that is , in fact , the case . But at that time I didn 't think about that . For the first time in my life I was without a way out - at least there was no direct way out . Right in front of me was the crate , its boards fitted closely together . Well , there was a gap running right between the boards . When I first discovered it , I welcomed it with a blissfully happy howl of ignorance . But this hole was not nearly big enough to stick my tail through , and all the power of an ape could not make it any bigger . According to what I was told later , I am supposed to have made remarkably little noise . From that people concluded that either I must soon die or , if I succeeded in surviving the first critical period , I would be very capable of being trained . I survived this period . Muffled sobbing , painfully searching out fleas , wearily licking a coconut , banging my skull against the wall of the crate , sticking out my tongue when anyone came near me - these were the first occupations in my new life . In all of them , however , there was only one feeling : no way out . Nowadays , of course , I can portray those ape - like feelings only with human words and , as a result , I misrepresent them . But even if I can no longer attain the old truth of the ape , at least it lies in the direction I have described - of that there is no doubt . Up until then I had had so many ways out , and now I no longer had one . I was tied down . If they had nailed me down , my freedom to move would not have been any less . And why ? If you scratch raw the flesh between your toes , you won 't find the reason . If you press your back against the bars of the cage until it almost slices you in two , you won 't find the reason . I had no way out , but I had to come up with one for myself . For without that I could not live . Always in front of that crate wall - I would inevitably have died a miserable death . But according to Hagenbeck , apes belong at the crate wall - well , that meant I would cease being an ape . A clear and beautiful train of thought , which I must have planned somehow with my belly , since apes think with their bellies . I 'm worried that people do not understand precisely what I mean by a way out . I use the word in its most common and fullest sense . I am deliberately not saying freedom . I do not mean this great feeling of freedom on all sides . As an ape , I perhaps recognized it , and I have met human beings who yearn for it . But as far as I am concerned , I did not demand freedom either then or today . Incidentally , among human beings people all too often are deceived by freedom . And since freedom is reckoned among the most sublime feelings , the corresponding disappointment is also among the most sublime . In the variety shows , before my entrance , I have often watched a pair of artists busy on trapezes high up in the roof . They swung themselves , they rocked back and forth , they jumped , they hung in each other 's arms , one held the other by the hair with his teeth . " That , too , is human freedom , " I thought , " self - controlled movement . " What a mockery of sacred nature ! At such a sight , no structure would stand up to the laughter of the apes . No , I didn 't want freedom . Only a way out - to the right or left or anywhere at all . I made no other demands , even if the way out should also be only an illusion . The demand was small ; the disappointment would not be any greater - to move on further , to move on further ! Only not to stand still with arms raised , pressed against a crate wall . Today I see clearly that without the greatest inner calm I would never have been able to get out . And , in fact , I probably owe everything that I have become to the calmness which came over me after the first days there on the ship . And , in turn , I owe that calmness to the people on the ship . They are good people , in spite of everything . Today I still enjoy remembering the clang of their heavy steps , which used to echo then in my half sleep . They had the habit of tackling everything extremely slowly . If one of them wanted to rub his eyes , he raised his hand as if it were a hanging weight . Their jokes were coarse but hearty . Their laughter was always mixed with a rasp which sounded dangerous but meant nothing . They always had something in their mouths to spit out , and they didn 't care where they spat . They always complained that my fleas sprung over onto them , but they were never seriously angry at me because of it . They understood well enough that fleas liked being in my fur and that fleas are jumpers . They learned to live with that . When they had no duties , sometimes a few of them sat down in a semi - circle around me . They didn 't speak much , but only made noises to each other and smoked their pipes , stretched out on the crates . They slapped their knees as soon as I made the slightest movement , and from time to time one of them would pick up a stick and tickle me where I liked it . If I were invited today to make a journey on that ship , I would certainly decline the invitation , but it 's equally certain that the memories I could dwell on of the time there between the decks would not be totally hateful . The calmness which I acquired in this circle of people prevented me above all from any attempt to escape . Looking at it nowadays , it seems to me as if I had at least sensed that I had to find a way out if I wanted to live , but that this way out could not be reached by escaping . I no longer know if escape was possible , but I think it was : for an ape it should always be possible to flee . With my present teeth I have to be careful even with the ordinary task of cracking a nut , but then I must have been able , over time , to succeed in chewing through the lock on the door . I didn 't do that . What would I have achieved by doing it ? No sooner would I have stuck my head out , than they would have captured me again and locked me up in an even worse cage . Or I could have taken refuge unnoticed among the other animals - say , the boa constrictors opposite me - and breathed my last in their embraces . Or I could have managed to steal way up to the deck and to jump overboard . Then I 'd have tossed back and forth on the ocean for a little while and would have drowned . Acts of despair . I did not think things through in such a human way , but under the influence of my surroundings conducted myself as if I had worked things out . I did not work things out , but I did observe things with complete tranquility . I saw these men going back and forth , always the same faces , the same movements . Often it seemed to me as if there was only one man . So the man or these men went undisturbed . A lofty purpose dawned on me . No one promised me that if I could become like them the cage would be removed . Such promises , apparently impossible to fulfill , are not made . But if one makes the fulfillment good , then later the promises appear precisely there where one had looked for them earlier without success . Now , these men in themselves were nothing which attracted me very much . If I had been a follower of that freedom I just mentioned , I would certainly have preferred the ocean to the way out displayed in the dull gaze of these men . But in any case , I observed them for a long time before I even thought about such things - in fact , the accumulated observations first pushed me in the proper direction . It was so easy to imitate these people . I could already spit on the first day . Then we used to spit in each other 's faces . The only difference was that I licked my face clean afterwards . They did not . Soon I was smoking a pipe like an old man , and if I then also pressed my thumb down into the bowl of the pipe , the entire area between decks cheered . Still , for a long time I did not understand the difference between an empty and a full pipe . I had the greatest difficulty with the bottle of alcohol . The smell was torture to me . I forced myself with all my power , but weeks went by before I could overcome my reaction . Curiously enough , the people took this inner struggle more seriously than anything else about me . In my memories I don 't distinguish the people , but there was one who always came back , alone or with comrades , day and night , at all hours . He 'd stand with the bottle in front of me and give me instructions . He did not understand me . He wanted to solve the riddle of my being . He used to uncork the bottle slowly and then look at me , in order to test if I had understood . I confess that I always looked at him with wildly over - eager attentiveness . No human teacher has ever found on the entire earthly globe such a student of human beings . After he 'd uncorked the bottle , he 'd raise it to his mouth . I 'd gaze at him , right into his throat . He would nod , pleased with me , and set the bottle to his lips . Delighted with my gradual understanding , I 'd squeal and scratch myself all over , wherever it was convenient . He was happy . He 'd set the bottle to his mouth and take a swallow . Impatient and desperate to emulate him , I would defecate over myself in my cage - and that again gave him great satisfaction . Then , holding the bottle at arm 's length and bringing it up once more with a swing , he 'd drink it down with one gulp , exaggerating his backward bending as a way of instructing me . Exhausted with so much great effort , I could no longer follow and would hang weakly onto the bars , while he ended the theoretical lesson by rubbing his belly and grinning . Now the practical exercises first began . Was I not already too tired out by the theoretical part ? Yes , indeed , far too weary . That 's part of my fate . Nonetheless , I 'd grab the proffered bottle as well as I could and uncork it trembling . Once I 'd managed to do that , a new energy would gradually take over . I lifted the bottle - with hardly any difference between me and the original - put it to my lips - and throw it away in disgust , in disgust , although it was empty and filled only with the smell , throw it with disgust onto the floor . To the sorrow of my teacher , to my own greater sorrow . And I still did not console him or myself when , after throwing away the bottle , I did not forget to give my belly a splendid rub and to grin as I do so . All too often , the lesson went that way . And to my teacher 's credit , he was not angry with me . Well , sometimes he held his burning pipe against my fur in some place or other which I could reach only with difficulty , until it began to burn . But then he would put it out himself with his huge good hand . He wasn 't angry with me . He realized that we were fighting on the same side against ape nature and that I had the more difficult part . It was certainly a victory for him and for me when one evening in front of a large circle of onlookers - perhaps it was a celebration , a gramophone was playing , an officer was wandering around among the people - when on this evening , at a moment when no one was watching , I grabbed a bottle of alcohol which had been inadvertently left standing in front of my cage , uncorked it just as I had been taught , amid the rising attention of the group , set it against my mouth and , without hesitating , with my mouth making no grimace , like an expert drinker , with my eyes rolling around , splashing the liquid in my throat , I really and truly drank the bottle empty , and then threw it away , no longer in despair , but like an artist . Well , I did forget to scratch my belly . But instead of that , because I couldn 't do anything else , because I had to , because my senses were roaring , I cried out a short and good " Hello ! " breaking out into human sounds . And with this cry I sprang into the community of human beings , and I felt its echo - " Just listen . He 's talking ! " - like a kiss on my entire sweat - soaked body . I 'll say it again : imitating human beings was not something which pleased me . I imitated them because I was looking for a way out , for no other reason . And even in that victory little was achieved . My voice immediately failed me again . It first came back months later . My distaste for the bottle of alcohol became even stronger . But at least my direction was given to me once and for all . When I was handed over in Hamburg to my first trainer , I soon realized the two possibilities open to me : the zoological garden or the music hall . I did not hesitate . I said to myself : use all your energy to get into the music hall . That is the way out . The zoological garden is only a new barred cage . If you go there , you 're lost . And I learned , gentlemen . Alas , one learns when one has to . One learns when one wants a way out . One learns ruthlessly . One supervises oneself with a whip and tears oneself apart at the slightest resistance . My ape nature ran off , head over heels , out of me , so that in the process my first teacher himself almost became an ape and soon had to give up training and be carried off to a mental hospital . Fortunately he was soon discharged again . And such progress ! The penetrating effects of the rays of knowledge from all sides on my awaking brain ! I don 't deny the fact - I was delighted with it . But I also confess that I did not overestimate it , not even then , even less today . With an effort which up to this point has never been repeated on earth , I have attained the average education of a European man . Perhaps that in itself would not amount to much , but it is something insofar as it helped me out of the cage and created this particular way out for me - the way out of human beings . There is an excellent German expression : to beat one 's way through the bushes . That I have done . I have beaten my way through the bushes . I had no other way , always assuming that freedom was not a choice . If I review my development and its goal up to this point , I do not complain , but I am not content . With my hands in my trouser pockets , the bottle of wine on the table , I half lie and half sit in my rocking chair and gaze out the window . If I have a visitor , I welcome him as is appropriate . My impresario sits in the parlor . If I ring , he comes and listens to what I have to say . In the evening I almost always have a performance , and I could hardly be more successful . When I come home late at night from banquets , from scientific societies , or from social gatherings in someone 's home , a small half - trained female chimpanzee is waiting for me , and I take my pleasure with her the way apes do . During the day I don 't want to see her , for she has in her gaze the madness of a bewildered trained animal . I 'm the only one who recognizes that , and I cannot bear it . On the whole , at any rate , I have achieved what I wished to achieve . You shouldn 't say it was not worth the effort . In any case , I don 't want any human being 's judgment . I only want to expand knowledge . I simply report . Even to you , esteemed gentlemen of the Academy , I have only made a report . Leave a Comment » Mio Strand is in the Province of Suruga . Its sand is yellow and fine , strewn with rose shells at the ebb tide . Its pine trees are ancient and they lean all one way , which is the way that the wild wind wills . Before Mio rolls the deep sea , and behind Mio rises Fuji , the most sacred , the mountain of mountains . Small marvel that the Strange People should come to Mio . Of the Strange People not much is known , even at Mio , though it is sure they come there . It seems they are shy indeed , more 's the pity . They come through the blue air , or across the mysterious paths of the sea . Their footprints are never , never seen upon the wet beach , for they tread too lightly . But sometimes in their dancing they sweep their robes upon the sand and leave it ribbed and ruffled ; so , often enough , it may be seen at Mio . This is not all . Once a fisherman of Mio set eyes upon a maiden of the Strange People , and talked with her and made her do his bidding . This is a true thing , and thus it came about . The fisherman was out in his boat all night . He cast his net here and he cast his net there , but he caught nothing at all for his pains . It may be believed that he grew weary enough before the morning . In the cold of the dawn he brought his boat to shore and set foot on Mio Strand , shivering . Then , so he says , a warm wind met him and blew through his garments and his hair , so that he flushed and glowed . The very sand was full of comfort to his chilly feet . Upon the warm wind a fragrance was borne , cedar and vervain , and the scent of a hundred flowers . Flowers dropped softly through the air like bright rain . The fisherman stretched out his hands and caught them , lotus and jessamine and pomegranate . And all the while sweet music sounded . " This is never Mio Strand , " cried the fisherman , bewildered , " where I have pulled my boat ashore a thousand times or flown kites upon a holiday . Alack , I fear me I have sailed to the Fortunate Isles unawares , or come unwilling to the Sea King 's garden ; or very like I am dead and never knew it , and this is Yomi . O Yomi , Land of Yomi , how like thou art to Mio Strand , my dear home ! " " Alas , alas ! " she cried , " my robe , my feather robe ! " Swifter than any arrow she sprang from the water , and sped , fleet of foot , along the wet sand . The White Children of the Foam followed at her flashing heels . Clad in the cloak of her long hair , she came up with the fisherman . " Farewell , Moon Fairy , " said the fisherman , and he made to take his way along Mio Strand . At that she snatched at the feather robe , but the fisherman held fast . The feathers fluttered out and dropped upon the sand . " I am a bird , a frail bird , A wounded bird with broken wings , I must die far from home , For the Five Woes are come upon me . The red flowers in my hair are faded ; My robe is made unclean ; Faintness comes upon me ; I cannot see - farewell , dear sight of my eyes ; I have lost joy . Oh , blessed flying clouds , and happy birds , And golden dust in the wind , And flying thoughts and flying prayers ! I have lost all joy . " " Softly , softly , " said the fisherman . " Not so fast . I will give you your robe if you will dance for me here on Mio Strand . " Now , when she had arrayed herself and flung back her hair , the Fairy began to dance upon the yellow sand . In and out of the feather robe crept her fairy feet . Slowly , softly , she went with folded wings and sang : " Oh , the gold and silver mountains of the Moon , And the sweet Singing Birds of Heaven ! They sing in the branches of the cinnamon tree , To entertain the thirty kings that are there . Fifteen kings in white garments , To reign for fifteen days . Fifteen kings in black garments , To reign for fifteen days . I hear the music of Heaven ; Away , away , I fly to Fairy Places . " The Fairy laughed . Her feet touched the waves of the sea ; her feet touched the grass and the flowers inshore . They touched the high branches of the pines and then the white clouds . Long , long he stood gazing up into the sky . At length he stooped and picked up a little feather from the shore , a grey dove 's feather . He smoothed it out with his finger and hid it in his girdle . |
This is too much for me to write . Maybe I 'm writing it for myself . Maybe if I write it down , I might actually believe everything that happened . Part of me still thinks none of it was real . I had to question everything I know . Me , an extremely logical person , having to doubt the very reality we know and experience everyday . Maybe after reading this , whoever you are , you will too . Most people can 't wait to go off to college . Everyone pretty much thinks it will be like a massive compilation of drinking and sex , at least most high - school kids who can 't wait to get out there and live life to the fullest tend to think so . For me it wasn 't like that . It was just an experience , something I would have to go through in order for my life to be where I wanted it to be in five years or so . It didn 't really matter to me if I would be partying all the time or not at all . The first year was kind of boring . I was very diligent with my studies , so I didn 't really have time to be cruising the bars picking up girls or whatever . I had met a few nice people , but no one out of the ordinary . The second year , I got a roommate and life got pretty interesting . His name was Zack , and he was nothing like the people I used to hang out with . Overall he gave the impression of a hippy , but not in the snobby repulsive way . He was a very warm person , and he was an enthusiast of life . Since I can remember he had been lecturing me about how mistaken I am for staying home often and studying most of the time . I 'll admit , he did convince me to try a lot of things I had never tried before , but just watching him live his life had a very positive impact on mine . He would come home with a smile everyday , telling me all about the new genre of music he discovered , or a new martial art he was learning , or all the customs and traditions of the amazing ancient race he was obsessed with that week . It gave me strength to think that it is possible for a person to be happy all the time , to see life in a positive perspective , no matter how bad it got . I think the reason he was so at peace was because of his meditation . I always thought meditation was straight up nonsense , and every good effect that it had on your life was purely a placebo effect . But Zack was very passionate about meditating . He would meditate at least two hours a day , and he would always tell me about all the amazing things he experienced during his visualizations . He would tell me he was flying with giant seagulls in the night sky , or that he was climbing palm trees with green monkeys on a tropical island . Really any crazy scenario that would look really cool in a movie . I never really took that part of Zack 's life seriously , but every day he grew more excited about his meditation . He would tell me that the experience got better and better , that he was able to see all those places he went to a lot clearer than he used to . He claimed he was able to visualize himself under a waterfall , and actually feel the water running down his body . He even said that after a point he didn 't even create the places he was going to . He would just " open the door to the other world " and the places would create themselves . As if they were already there . I knew he was fooling himself , but if it helped him there was nothing wrong with that . That 's what I used to think . Although it did bum me out sometimes when he went on and on about it . One day he was bragging about how good he was getting , and he said he wanted to try and visit an unhappy place for a change . A darker world , just to see what it was like , or if it was possible . It sounded so silly . Isn 't the whole point of meditation to feel at peace ? Why take your mind willingly to a dark and unsafe place ? Maybe he thought it would be some sort of adventure . He was always arrogant like that , willing to try the most insane stunts , just for the fun of it . I remember how hard I tried to convince him to cancel that bungee - jumping trip , but he wouldn 't listen . At least he was lucky enough to get out of all these stunts without a scratch . Maybe he was born for danger . I could never understand that , since I clearly wasn 't the same . We had lived half a year together and we had gotten really close . It was the beginning of spring when it all began . I returned home one day from class , casually expecting Zack 's joyful greeting . Instead I heard nothing . I figured he was out , since he did that a lot . I turned on the TV , and started to relax in the living room . After a couple of hours , he hadn 't called or anything , so I thought I 'd give him a call , just to make sure he was fine . I called him , and suddenly I heard something that got me worried . It was his ringtone . It was coming from his room . ' What the hell ? ' I thought . ' He never forgets his cellphone at home . ' I went in his room to find it ( to what end , I don 't even know ) , and when I walked in , I jumped up in shock . Again , no response . He was just sitting there quietly , like he did when he meditated , as if he hadn 't even noticed I was in the room . That had happened before , but this time , his eyes were open . Blank , calm expression on his face , and wide open eyes . What was this ? Some new level of meditation ? Visualizing without having to close your eyes ? I got closer , started shaking him and calling his name . Loudly . Loud enough for anyone asleep to wake up . Still nothing . He didn 't even flinch . His pulse was fine , he was breathing steadily , but no reaction to my callings . This had to be one of his lame jokes . " Fine , stay there , you zombie , " I said . " Just let me know when you plan to eat my brain . " I thought if he was kidding , he would stop if I ignored him . It worked when my brother played tricks on me like that when we were kids . But it didn 't . Night came , and Zack was still sitting in that same spot . He hadn 't moved an inch or said one word . I got really nervous . I started shaking him like crazy , slapping him , shouting his name loud enough for the neighbors to think we were killing each other . I got so mad , I punched him in the face , and his body fell to the side . That was the first time I saw him move . He simply picked himself up , really slow , without changing his numb expression , and got himself in the same position . I decided to leave him alone for the night , and if the next day he was still like that , I would call the doctor . I barely slept that night . I couldn 't help but imagine various supernatural explanations as to what was happening to Zack . But I tried to shake them all off , thinking that it was probably some kind of mental illness . The next day - not to my surprise - he was still like that . I tried to contact him a little bit , but as I expected it didn 't work . ' That 's it , ' I thought . ' I 'm calling the doctor . ' I had to help him in any way possible , and if this was the only way , I was willing to go through with it . The moment I picked up my phone , I heard something behind me . It was a silent growl . Low and consistent , but very intimidating . Like the sound a dog makes when he 's threatened . I turned around and I saw Zack , standing there just outside the room with the same expression on his face . The sound was coming from him . No response , just that threatening , continuous growl . I know what that sound meant . It gave the same feeling you get when you hear a cat hissing , or when you see a dog showing his teeth . It was a warning . A warning that I was doing something he wasn 't happy with . I was terrified , but an idiotic part of me wanted to confirm my feeling , so I did something I regret . I pressed a button on the phone . He let out a roar so heavy , so frightening , like the roar of a giant predator , and he came right at me . My reflexes worked so quickly that I jumped back on the couch and threw the phone to the other end of the room in one motion . When I threw it , he stopped . He didn 't even look at me . During that entire intense charge and that hellish roar , his expression remained the same , cold and blank , not even looking at me . It was as if - and I didn 't even want to think that at the time - Zack wasn 't the one who attacked me . After that he went back to his room , and sat in the same position . ' He knew I was calling the doctor . ' I thought . ' He knew and he didn 't like that . That means he knows I 'm there . That means he can hear me but he chooses not to interact with me . This is a mental illness . It HAS to be a mental illness . ' But as much as I tried to convince myself , deep down I knew . That roar , no matter how insane one could be , could not have been produced by a human . Two days went by , and things only got worse . Anytime I reached for the phone , or the door to go outside , I heard the growl . He didn 't want me to tell anyone about him . He would threaten me every time I tried to contact another living soul . Even when I sat on my computer , the moment I tried to log in to any social site , the growling would start . He hadn 't eaten or drunk anything since I found him like that . His eye sockets were turning darker , and his skin paler . His expression had also started to change from an expression of numbness to an expression of discomfort , as if he was sitting next to a very smelly person on the bus . Whatever I tried wouldn 't work . Begging him to talk to me , saying I was willing to do anything to help him , nothing . Then I remembered something I was trying to avoid . He had said a few days ago that he wanted to meditate to a darker place . It sounded crazy , but what if he had done it ? What if he went to a place that was so horrible it scarred him for life ? Or worse … What if he 's still there ? I had googled many mental illnesses , and none of the symptoms seemed to match Zack 's . I didn 't want to let my mind go there , but it was the only explanation that tied up all the loose ends . Except from the fact that meditation was crap to begin with . But what if I was wrong ? Then my thoughts were distracted by a sound . It was a scratching sound coming from Zack 's room . It sounded like a cat sharpening its claws on wooden furniture . My heart started pounding . I had to go see if he was ok . I slowly opened the door and looked inside , trembling with fear . And boy , was I right to tremble . Zack was sitting there , in the same position on the floor , only this time he was holding a pocket knife in his right hand , and he was carving on the wooden floor with great force . However the chilling part was his expression . His face had turned red , sweating all over , veins popping on his forehead , overall he looked like an athlete trying to lift weights of 100 tons . I rushed to his side , asking what was wrong , begging for him to let me help him , but he wouldn 't answer . He just kept carving the floor and looking like he was being tortured . Then I turned around and looked at what he was carving at the floor . I realized he was carving letters . My entire body went cold . I struggled for hours trying to comprehend what was happening and what I could do to fix it . I couldn 't call for help , for Zack would attack me . I couldn 't give him any medicine , because I didn 't know what the hell this " disease " was . And even if I knew , I doubt he would 've let me give him meds . Everything was starting to point at the scenario my mind was trying to avoid . Something had taken control of Zack . He had gone to a place he wasn 't supposed to go to , and he paid for that mistake . But there is something I knew for sure . Whatever was inside Zack , did not want me dead . It showed that it could have killed me anytime when it made Zack charge at me so violently . However , it never chose to attack me for no reason . Maybe it wanted something from me . Maybe Zack was somehow preventing it from attacking me . Or maybe it wanted me for when it was done with Zack . And I didn 't even wanna think about what " it " was doing with Zack , wherever he was . There were times when I thought I was being insane , that I had to stop all these crazy thoughts . But it was like a part of me knew they were true . Like a survival instinct telling me a predator was nearby . And that predator was disguised as my best friend . I was alive for a reason . I was supposed to do something . I knew what had to be done . I had to meditate . I had never meditated before , but I had heard enough from Zack to know exactly what I had to do in theory . However , the experience is always different than theory , so I was prepared to fail at least a couple of times . I went in my room , placed one of Zack 's big pillows on the floor , and sat in it in yoga position . First of all , I tried to clear my mind and relax , which wasn 't easy considering what I had witnessed and where I was planning to go . I tried a lot of techniques Zack had told me he would do when he was trying to clear his mind , like visualizing two red balls of energy that would merge into one , or a candle that would emit a circular red aura around its flame . After a while I felt completely numb , as if my mind and my body were no longer connected . I was in the right track . The next thing I was supposed to do was try to visualize the door that would take me to my safe space . But I knew that Zack was not at a safe space , so I had to visualize a door to a dark , mysterious realm . Now on the one hand , I had no idea how that place looked , but on the other , neither did Zack and he ended up there anyway . So there was a chance that if I just visualized myself heading to a dark place , I would manage to go where Zack had gone . I started to see a grey door , and I was slowly getting closer to it . I wasn 't sure if I was doing it right , until I heard the whispers . I couldn 't make them out . They were high pitched and they sounded as if they were produced by a thousand people . But it felt as if - or at least to my instincts felt as if - they were trying to lure me closer . I had to trust my instincts . They were the only weapon I had to help my friend . I went closer , and the door opened by itself as the whispers were getting louder . I walked into the darkness within … My eyes opened by themselves . For a moment I thought I had failed , since I had woken up , but after a few seconds , I knew I had succeeded . I was in my room , but it was different . Everything was darker , and the entire environment was in a dark blue color . There was a blue light coming from my window , even though it was night when I started meditating . I tried standing up , but it took more strength from me than it usually does . Even taking a few steps felt new , as if I was learning to swim . I walked into the living room . My footsteps echoed so deeply , it was like walking in the bottom of the ocean . The blue shades that surrounded me sure made it feel that way . I thought I could hear very faint whispers as I was heading to Zack 's room . For a second I even thought I heard the laughter of a child . I turned the knob and expected the worst as I was walking into Zack 's room . It was exactly like mine . Everything was dark blue , like I was in a fish tank . Zack wasn 't there , and also missing was the strange carving on the floor he had made earlier . But , on the wall next to his bed , there was something that was not in the room I knew . That was the place I had to go to . My instincts were shouting to walk away from that door . That 's how I knew I had to cross it . I would not let my friend suffer in there alone . I gathered all the courage I could and opened the door , and inside I saw darkness . Only darkness . Not even the floor of the adjacent room was visible . Maybe there was no floor . Maybe I was about to walk into a bottomless pit . Whatever awaited me in the darkness , I had to find out . For the sake of my friend . I stepped forward , into the void . For a minute it seemed like I had lost my senses . When I opened my eyes , it felt as if I had woken up from a thousand - year long sleep . I was in a hallway . It was dark , like the dark atmosphere in my home , but instead of blue everything here was in shades of red . Dark , threatening red , like the rooms photographers use to develop pictures . The hallway was narrow , and the walls were made of a disgusting material . It looked like wet sponges , but after some consideration , I figured it also resembled torn flesh . On both sides of the hallway were dark red doors , and it was so dark , I could not see what was in the end of the hallway . There was no window , lamp , or any light source whatsoever , so I could not figure out where that dark red light that enabled me to see was coming from . This place felt different . The place I was before , my home , was mysterious and maybe unsettling , but not like this one . This place was emitting an incredibly threatening aura . It made me feel that something did not want me there . Or the far worse scenario , that something did want me . Nevertheless , the fact that my senses were screaming at me to get the hell out of this place was my way of knowing I was on the right track . The door of darkness I walked through was still open behind me , so my plan was to find Zack and get him back at the door as quickly as I could . I started to walk across the hallway , and pressed my ear on the first door I walked past . I heard nothing , so I tried turning the doorknob . The second I touched it , I heard a loud breath from inside , as if someone had just woken up . It terrified me , but I had to try , so I spoke . It was a man 's voice . It did not resemble Zack 's at all , but it sounded terrified . Like he knew to expect the worst when someone knocked on his door . Again there was silence for a few seconds , but then the door slowly opened . Inside was a small pitch black room , with a small red candle burning in the middle . There were no furniture or windows , just the candle on the floor , and I could faintly see in the back of the room a figure of a man , curled up in the corner . It was too dark to make out any of his features . " This place is proof that humans can be as stupid as to destroy their own lives just to try something exciting , " he said , and I sensed he was starting to get angry . " We all came here by choice . Because we were fools . He did not seek us out , he did not hunt us , we came right into his arms . And why ? Because WHY NOT ? " he said , screaming the last two words . After a pause he continued . " Because some people are so irresponsible , they would try anything , because deep down they don 't believe it can hurt them . But it can . Oh believe me , we learned that much . " I noticed he was doing something to his left arm with his right one . It looked like he was scratching it , but he was doing it really intensely . " We all deserve to be here . There is no salvation for your friend . He came here by choice , and now he has become his latest toy . And he deserves it , like all of us . " This man was obviously a prisoner . I felt horrible thinking there were so many people who had made the same mistake as Zack , and for a moment I thought about trying to save him too . But I knew I was already in over my head . There was no guarantee I would manage to save my best friend from this place , let alone other people . Zack was a priority . I left and closed the door behind me . I continued walking down the hallway , not minding the other doors , figuring there were more prisoners in them . I knew Zack might have been a prisoner too , but the man mentioned Zack had become " his " latest toy , whoever " he " was . I figured maybe Zack was with him . Maybe I could find Zack by finding him . I walked past countless doors , hearing extremely unsettling noises from inside them , including screams and paranoid laughter . I didn 't even want to imagine what all these people were going through . Finally , I made it to the end of the hallway . Before me was a huge door . It looked like it was made of wax , but there were shapes on it that made me want to vomit . They were human parts . Hands , legs , spines , even complete faces were carved like sculptures on the wax door . They were so realistic . Especially the expressions on the faces . Complete and utter despair . I took a step closer holding my breath , knowing this was the place I was looking for . The door opened on its own . This room was different than the others . I could barely see , because there was a vivid red light flickering on and off constantly . The room was dead silent , and the only thing I could hear were my footsteps stepping on something crunchy . I looked at the floor and tried to make out what I was stepping on in the darkness . My heart froze . I could barely see them , but they were everywhere . Bones . I was cracking them with my footsteps . They were all over the floor . What in God 's name had happened in this place ? I walked a little closer inside , since the room appeared to be huge . I wanted to make as little noise as possible , since I had no idea who was in there with me . Then I saw it . I saw it and I regretted every step I had taken closer to this place . I regretted not taking all the opportunities I had to get the hell out of there . I could barely see it but it was standing at the left corner , its figure flickering along with the red light . It was twice as tall as me . Its skin made it look like a dehydrated corpse . You could see all the bones in its body . Its arms and legs were extremely long , with the arms reaching all the way to its feet . I could not see its face . It had dark , wet hair covering it , falling on its body , down to its waist . It wasn 't moving . It was just standing there in a bizarre position , its right hand reaching to the wall on its back , and its left hand reaching for something to its left . It didn 't look like it was even breathing . It looked so weak , but yet so terrifying . That had to be " him " . Maybe he hadn 't noticed me . Maybe he was asleep . I was trying not to move a muscle , not taking my eyes off him for a second . And then I heard a whisper from the other side of the room . " I can 't walk ! " he answered . " That 's why I tried to send you a message . I can 't move my body in here . He has almost sucked out all my energy . You have to get me out of here , please ! " I tried to walk as fast as I could without making any noise , always keeping my eyes on that creature . My heart was beating like crazy . He wasn 't moving a muscle . There was a part of me that wanted to believe he hadn 't noticed me , but I felt like he knew from the very first step I took into the darkness . Each step I took I thought , ' He 's gonna strike now . He 's gonna strike now . There 's no way he 'll let me get to Zack . ' But nothing happened . I actually made it to Zack , without that creature moving at all . I grabbed Zack and tried to pull him up . " Ouch ! Be careful , " he said . I looked at him and could barely see him through the flickering red light , but he was badly hurt . Huge pieces of flesh were missing from all over his body . It was like someone was skinning him alive , bit by bit every day . There was one particular wound on his cheek that made vomit come to my mouth , because his teeth were visible from the inside . But there was no time to feel sorry for him . I picked him up with all my strength , placing his arm around my neck and holding him from the waist . We were so close . We started walking and I looked back to see the sleeping creature . He wasn 't there . He was awake . He knew . He knew all along . Where did he go ? What was he going to do ? My mind was raging , when I heard the growl . The same growl Zack had made when I tried to call the doctor . It was coming from behind me . I looked at my friend in terror . He looked twice as terrified as me , and uttered one word . That moment I heard him scream and felt him slipping away from my arms in an instant . I tried to see through the vivid light . Zack was on the floor , screaming . A hand was grabbing his right ankle and pulling him . A long , lifeless , skinny hand . I acted as quickly as I could . I grabbed a bone off the floor , a broken arm of some sort , and violently jammed it into the fiend 's hand . He instantly let go of Zack 's foot , and we heard the roar Zack had made when he attacked me . The demonic roar that would make even the fiercest predator bow down begging for mercy . I picked up Zack as quickly as I could and bolted for the exit . We actually managed to escape the room and started running down the red hallway . " Save it for when we get home ! " I said while running . We were almost at the door of darkness . I had managed to save my friend . Hope sprung inside me as we were getting closer to salvation . It was grasping me violently and I heard the fiend 's roar . I felt like I was looking death right in the eyes . Zack reacted immediately and grabbed my arms , trying to pull me away from him . I could tell he was using every little strength he had . But it wasn 't enough . I could tell what was going to happen if Zack kept pulling . He would take us both . I knew what I had to do . I gathered all the strength I had … And kicked Zack as hard as I could in the chest . Zack fell on the door of darkness as the fiend kept pulling me away from him . I could see him falling in to the darkness as he screamed . What happened to me next , it 's best for your sake that you not know . I 've been here for a while and I 've managed to stay alive no matter what he did to me . I don 't think I will ever escape , but I think I 've figured out what he wants . I think he 's trying to steal someone 's soul so that he can cross over to our world . Everyone here has managed to resist him , resulting to their deaths . That 's how this place is growing bigger . He is using his victims , their very flesh and bone , to make this " dimension " grow . Somehow I managed to discover this humble piece of paper and this pencil . Maybe it was some kind of miracle . What I am hoping to do is try to send this paper to our world , using some kind of meditation technique . I 'll keep trying as long as I can still stand . If somehow this does get through to someone , I just wanted you to know this : There is something trying to get to us . All of us . And maybe the day will come when it succeeds . If that day comes , I hope there is someone out there who knows the truth . |
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